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file and check . When I got home , there was a message from the surgeon 's office , left at 11 : 00 a . m . , asking me to call them back . But they didn 't say anything about that phone call when I went to the surgeon 's office in the afternoon . So , I don 't know what that was all about . I shall call the surgeon 's office , tomorrow morning , in response to their call and to ask if anything was faxed over to them . If oncology appointment made ) . But , my goodness , it 's hard work , climbing this mountain and I 'm still at the very beginning , getting my mountain climbing permit and equipment stage ! ! Seems like those who could make the climb a little easier aren 't helping as much as they could . : ( I finished sewing the second Log Cabin Cross wall hanging , today . I learned from the " mistakes " of the previous wall hanging and added a border with the background fabric all around the central Cross , which makes it " float " better on the background . I also changed the design slightly and added another shading strip to the central Cross . Close Up The back of the wall hanging is a single , large piece of fabric ; cream colored with a pale pink all - over print . I have quilted it ( sewing machine ) very minimally - just an " in - the - ditch " outline quilting around the main center Cross . The Back This wall hanging , too , will be a Christmas gift for one of my friends . Once again , the entire wall hanging was made using fabric , batting , and thread I had on hand . So , a very frugal gift . Some of you might recognize that the fabric used for the outer most areas of the central Cross and for the binding is same as what I used for one of my front opening nightdresses . I 've plenty of leftovers from the other nightdresses I 've sewn for additional wall hangings . The botanical name is Murraya koenigii . The name in my language of birth ( Sinhalese ) is " karapincha " . But , in English , it is usually called " curry leaf " . We use the leaves as an herb in our cooking . Fresh leaves are best , but they may be used dried or frozen , as well . One doesn 't generally eat the leaves when added to a dish - they are removed after cooking . But , the leaves are sometimes shredded and cooked as a side dish of greens . Or made into a porridge , with rice , for breakfast . Earlier in the summer , the tree was full of sprays of white flowers . The bees love the nectar from the flowers . Later , the flowers turn into green berries , which gradually ripen and turn red and finally , a dark purple when fully ripe . Once ripe , the pulp of the berries is edible . However , the berries are not generally eaten as a fruit and there is a large seed in the center of the fruit , which is not edible . Today , I attended a Memorial Mass for one of the uncles in the extended family . One of my cousins and her daughter gave me a ride there and back , so I didn 't have to drive . It was truly nice to sit and relax while someone else drove . : ) One of my aunts had requested some leaves from a plant that we use in making curry . We call it " curry leaves " ; it is used in a similar manner as bay leaves . I have two curry leaf trees in my garden , so I picked a big bagful of leaves to take to my aunt . This is the same aunt who gave me two big bags of clothes , last week . In fact , I wore one of the skirts she gave , today , and she blessed me with another bag of clothes ( two shirts and three jackets ) . At the conclusion of the Mass , they sang , " Take My Hand , Precious Lord " , written by Thomas A . Dorsey . It has always been one of my favorite gospel songs . I have often sung it , but , today , there was a special poignancy in the words , for me . It was more than a song ; it was a prayer . After the Mass , members of the family and friends said the Rosary . Afterwards , we all went over to the home of the aunt whose late husband we were commemorating , to have lunch . It was nice to see some friends I don 't see all that often . After I came home , I video chatted with daughter , did a load of laundry , took a nap , watered the back garden , spoke on the phone with several friends and , watched a televised broadcast of the Pope 's visit to Philadelphia . It was another hot day ( 100 + F ) , but it cooled down in the evening . Tomorrow is supposed to be another hot day . Tomorrow , I need to water the front garden . Of course , she said " hill " , but I have a tendency to " make a mountain out of a molehill " , so , a mountain it is ! : D There is a 7 , 360 foot high mountain in my country of birth , Sri Lanka , known as Adam 's Peak , that is considered a sacred mountain , which pilgrims ( and tourists ) climb . One generally drives up part of the way and then , climbs the rest of the way . There are thousands of steps built into the side of the mountain to facilitate the climb . There is a rock formation near the top that has an indentation that resembles a large foot print ; according to the different traditions of four of the religions in the country ( Buddhist , Hindu , Christian , and Islam ) , the rock " foot print " is attributed to the Buddha , Shiva , St . Thomas , and Adam . Most people climb it at night , in order to reach the top just before sunrise in order to see the rising sun cast the shadow of the mountain on the surrounding landscape . I had always wanted to climb it , but never did . Now , I have the opportunity to climb it , in a manner of speaking , thanks to Bushlady 's comment about climbing a mountain . One step at a time , of course . So , today , I climbed another step , or two . I received yet another approved authorization in the mail , to make an appointment for a new patient visit . At least , that is what I think it is . There is a medical billing code on the authorization form , but no description . However , the internet is a wonderful resource . I did a search using the code and received a description ! It 's a type of " outpatient checking in " ! I presume they 'll take down my information and such . I 'll know more on Monday , when I plan to call and schedule the appointment . But it 's more evidence that my case is making its way through the system . I also made some other progress in other areas , as well . I filled out some paperwork pertaining to legal and financial matters . I will make appointments , next week , to go over those papers with my attorney and financial planner . I know some people worry about the time the medical matters are taking , but , I 'm using that time to attend to my legal and financial matters . I want to make sure everything is in place for my daughter before I go under the surgeon 's knife ! Just in case . One never knows how these things work , does one ? I also went to the bank during my morning break and transferred funds to my daughter 's account for her October rent and the plane ticket for her next flight home ( for my surgery ) . Yes , I know , there are other , more convenient ways to transfer funds than to go to the bank to do transactions in person . But , I got to walk a couple of blocks in the sunshine on my way to the bank and back ( fresh air , exercise ) and , when one of the bank customer service persons whom I 've interacted with over the years inquired after my health and I shared my news with her , she immediately gave me a hug and told me she will pray for me . Not that I expect her to actively pray for me , but , just the fact that she expressed that sentiment was sufficient . She helped me up one of the steps on the mountain . Later , during my lunch break , I stopped by the pharmacy . The pharmacist and I have become friends , too , simply because we 've interacted over the years . While she fills out my prescriptions and puts through my transactions , I 've talked to her about my daughter and inquired after her children , etc . She confided in me when her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer ; I confided in her when I was diagnosed . She has since asked me for my personal phone number and has called me , after work , on her own time , as a friend , not my pharmacist , to ask how my consultation with the surgeon went , etc . So , today , I picked up an item for daughter and updated my pharmacist friend , too . She 's another friend who is encouraging my climb up the mountain . Later in the afternoon , I went to the restroom and one of my co - workers was also there . We 've known each other for at least 25 years . I 've seen her daughter grow up from a little girl to being a mother of a little girl , herself ; my colleague has babysat my daughter when she was a little girl . So , when she asked me , casually , how I was , I didn 't give the usual , " I 'm fine , thank you ; how are you " , which is what I tell most of my co - workers ( the vast majority of my co - workers don 't know about my diagnosis ) . Instead , I told her about my diagnosis . She 's a single parent with an only child , herself . So , she immediately understood my concerns for my daughter . Plus , she had dealt with her own mother 's breast cancer diagnosis . She , too , gave me a hug and we both teared up . But I have another friend climbing the mountain with me . : ) This evening , I received an international phone call from my eldest half - brother . He 's a doctor . A Professor of Gynecology , actually . We have not always been close due to the rift between my mother and her step - children that I 've alluded to in earlier posts , and the fact that he 's 16 years older . But this illness seems to be drawing my half - siblings closer to me . Yesterday , my half - sister called to ask how I was , saying she 's been very worried about me and telling me to let her know if there 's anything she can do . I 've also received phone calls from my other surviving half - brother . ( Two of my half - brothers have already died . ) Family dynamics are interesting , isn 't it ? Today , I am grateful for : I went to my doctor 's appointment , this afternoon . We did the blood tests and the EKG . The doctor will put in the request for the X - ray . The doctor also adjusted the dosage / frequency of one of my hypertension medications , because it was causing my heart rate to be too slow ( 50 beats per minute ) . It 's the same medication she took me off of , once , and that caused my heart to race and my blood pressure to shoot sky high , and she put me back on it ! I currently take it once a day , ( at one time , I took it twice a day ! ) . But now , doctor wants me to take it once every other day . And monitor my heart rate and blood pressure to make sure everything stays under control . I am to call her , on Thursday of next week , to keep her updated . She wants my heart rate to increase to 60 beats per minute , prior to surgery . Doctor also checked for what I thought was a possible second lump , under my left arm ( the cancerous lump is on the right side ) . But she couldn 't feel it . So I don 't know what it is that I am thinking is another lump ! I guess I shall watch it and see . Most probably it 's a lump of fat ! I 've plenty of those all over my body ! : D After the doctor 's appointment , I went home . I put gas to the car , on the way , and then , went to the grocery store for milk , bread rolls , bananas , and cat food . There were frozen dinners on sale too , for $ 1 . 79 each ; I bought 3 of them to have on hand . Well now , it seems I was mistaken about when the first day of Fall was , this year ! I had always thought that the first day of Spring was on March 21 , the first day of Summer was on June 21 , the first day of Fall was on September 21 , and the first day of Winter was on December 21 . But , apparently , today , September 23 , is Fall Equinox , this year , and thus , the first day of Fall ! I learn something new every day ! Of course , with temperatures in the 90s ( forecast says triple digits tomorrow through Saturday ) , it feels more like Summer than Fall . Today , I went to the office and had a fairly productive day . I received my annual performance evaluation . We are evaluated on a number of categories ranging from quality and quantity of work products , timeliness , ability to work with others , initiative , amount of supervision and directions required , etc . I received all " excellent " and " outstanding " , along with written comments to support , so I am very happy with my annual performance evaluation . : ) I also met with our personnel liaison to inquire about the details of taking a medical leave of absence . I am entitled , under the Family and Medical Leave Act , to 12 weeks of unpaid medical leave with job protection and insurance coverage . However , I may take paid sick time and / or vacation time , instead of unpaid leave , and that 's probably what I will do . I 've tried to use my paid sick time sparingly , but I 've had to use some of it , already , for all the doctor 's appointments and tests . The other step forward was receiving the authorization approval notices for the surgery and related lymph node testing . I have all the paperwork in a file folder , but , this weekend , I will set up a binder , to reduce the risk of loose papers falling out . So , tomorrow , I will have my appointment with the doctor ( clinic called , today , to confirm appointment ) and hopefully receive the referrals for the pre - op tests . Then , once the tests are done , call the hospital to schedule the already - approved surgery . Definitely a step forward . clinic had called my office and left a message for me on Friday afternoon . Of course I didn 't go to work on Friday or Monday , so didn 't get the message until this morning ! The clinic has both my home number and the office number , but it seems that they never fail to call the house when I am at work and the office when I am at home ! I 'd give them my cell phone number , except I have an old , flip phone on which neither daughter nor I can figure out how to set up voice mail ! As a result , no one can leave me a message , which would not do . I was going to get myself a smart phone , last year , but changed my mind . Maybe I need to reconsider that decision . All the message said was to call them back , so , I called this morning . They have scheduled me for a doctor 's appointment on September 29 , presumably in response to the surgeon 's request for pre - op . tests . The appointment was not with my regular doctor , either , but one of the other doctors at the clinic . Which would have been OK , except I 've had a couple of bad experiences when I 've had them change doctors on me , with the new doctors wanting to change some of my medications which work , but are older versions which , unfortunately , cause my symptoms to get worse , not better ! But the 29th would not have worked , because the surgeon 's office note stated that they need the reports of the tests back by September 30th ! When I told them that , the girl making the appointments said that was the earliest day they could fit me in because the doctors were busy . She suggested that I call the surgeon and explain to him . I am generally rather laid back about these things . I know the clinic is busy and the staff is trying to do their best to accommodate everyone . I usually accept the appointment dates they give and don 't make a fuss about it . cancer was spreading while I waited for appointments . She then asked if I could hold for a minute and probably spoke with someone in the office ; when she came back on the phone , she asked if I could come in on Thursday afternoon for an appointment with my regular doctor . I said , " Yes " . It 's better than waiting till the 29th . Squeaky wheels do get oiled ! I don 't know why the doctor needs to see me before writing up the referrals for the tests required by the surgeon , but I suppose she is prohibited from writing referrals for tests without seeing the patient to prevent , or , at least minimize , accusations of medical malpractice and insurance fraud . I am assuming she will write up the referrals after she 's seen me and will put in the requests for authorization and then , once approved , I will be scheduled for those tests . It will take some time - probably at least another week , if not more . And then , there will be another few days ' of waiting before the X - ray is scheduled . The blood tests will probably be done right away at the clinic . I don 't know if I 'll have to go somewhere else for the EKG . So , as you can see , we are inching along . My mother used to say that slow and steady wins the race . This is certainly slow . Hopefully , it is steady , as well ! I 've a race against cancer to win ! : ) In other news : I left the iron plugged in and switched on low overnight , again ! Did that a couple of nights ago , too ! My goodness ! Fortunately , nothing happened , but that was a potentially dangerous thing to do ! I really , really need to be more mindful ! Between the fridge door being left ajar and the iron being left on , it 's easy to see I 've been distracted of late ! Today , I am grateful for : Happy first day of Fall ! It started out being another hot day , but , in the evening , the clouds moved in and it cooled down . We were hoping for rain , but the rain stayed to the south of us . I had taken the day off from work , today , because daughter was flying back to Berkeley , in the afternoon . We had a relaxed morning , then , I dropped her off at the airport . Came home and continued to sew on the 2nd wall hanging . I cut out the batting and the backing ; just need to sew on the binding . Later in the evening , I cleaned out the fridge , took the trash cans to the curb , and put water to the garden . I had been holding off watering , hoping for rain . Friday 's weather forecast had said there might be rain on Monday . But , according to today 's weather forecast , the anticipated rain would continue to stay to the south of us and there 's no rain in the forecast for the rest of the week . Had it rained , then , today 's post title could have been " Rainy Days and Mondays " . : ) And I wouldn 't have had to water the garden . Daughter arrived safely in Berkeley and made her way to her apartment by 4 : 00 p . m . She had a little time to relax , before going to her 5 : 30 p . m . class . Her class was supposed to end at 7 : 00 p . m . , but it ended at 8 : 00 p . m . ! She called me to say she was at the bus stop and then , again , when she got to her apartment . Then , we went on the computer and video chatted . Around 10 : 30 p . m . , I discovered that I had left the fridge door very slightly ajar after I cleaned it , earlier ! Oh , dear ! The inside of the fridge wasn 't even cool , let alone cold ! I turned the dial to make it colder and closed the door - hopefully , nothing spoiled . I can 't believe I did something silly like that , but , I guess I 've been a bit distracted , lately . Today , I am grateful for : Daughter needed to do more studies , so , we decided not to run any errands . Instead , she studied and I handwashed a sweater and two of the blouses my aunt had given me . Tried on all the clothes that aunt had sent me , and kept aside 7 skirts that were too snug for me to alter for daughter . I called aunt to thank her for the bag of clothes and she said she had more ! I told her she had given me plenty , but , if she had another couple of blouses with front openings , to set them aside for me to wear after surgery . She said she 'll check . I 'll be seeing her next Saturday , so , I can collect those blouses then . After that , I finished sewing the remaining two satin pillowcases . Then , washed , dried and ironed them . As I mentioned to my friend , for some reason , the song , " Nights in White Satin " by the Moody Blues keeps playing in my head ! : D My pillowcases are a light blue color , though , not white . In the evening , daughter went out to see a movie with two friends who are the daughters of a friend of mine . After the movie was over , I drove over to my friend 's house to pick up daughter and had a short visit with my friend . She gave me a jar of elderberry jam that she had bought from an Amish store on her recent visit to Ohio . I have not had elderberry jam , so I am looking forward to trying it on some toast for breakfast . On our way home , daughter and I stopped for an ice cream cone ! Nothing better than having ice cream cones on a warm summer evening with one 's daughter ! I did dishes and cleaned the litter box , and handwashed a few items in the morning , but other than that , I didn 't do any " work " ( cleaning , etc . ) It was way too hot to do anything ! At least , that 's my excuse ! Tomorrow ( Monday ) , daughter will go back to Berkeley . We will spend the morning together , then I 'll drive her to the airport . I 'm missing her already and she 's not left yet ! Another rather warm day , here , today . In the morning , I sewed one of the satin pillowcases . It was a bit experimental , as I decided to do French seams ( to minimize fraying ) and a French seams , for anyone who doesn 't know , are sewn twice , so that the cut edges of the fabric are enclosed , to minimize fraying . First , the seam is sewn with the right sides of the fabric facing outwards . Then , the item is turned inside out , and the seam is sewn again , so that the cut edges of the fabric are now inside the new seam . When the item is turned right side out , again , there should be a neat seam with no cut edges visible . It 's been a long time since I last sewed French seams , but they turned out OK ( I think ) . In the afternoon , daughter and I went to the big warehouse store to stock up on household items : toilet paper , paper towels , disinfectant wipes and spray , toilet cleaner , laundry detergent , soap , etc . Also , a big bag of cat food and flea prevention medications . In general , I do quarterly stocking up , buying different items during each stock up . But this time , I was also thinking ahead to when I 'd be undergoing treatment . Most probably , I won 't feel much like shopping , etc . , then , so I wanted to make sure I had enough of most household supplies to last me for a long time . I also bought a new phone set , since my old phone set was over 10 years old and the batteries wouldn 't recharge too well . I suppose I could have ordered new , replacement batteries , but the new phone set , with 3 handsets , cost $ 35 on sale , and was a good buy . The old phone set had two handsets , and I kept one in the hallway and one in the family room ( and would take it with me to the bedroom at night ) . The new one , with 3 handsets , means I have a phone in the hallway , one in the family room , and one on my bedside . I also bought two new bath towels for myself , on sale for $ 5 each . I had been wanting new bath towels for a few years , now , but have felt it was a total indulgence , since my old bath towels were perfectly adequate , even if they were too small to go around me completely . My old bath towels are about 12 years old , have some rust stains that won 't come off and had frayed along the edges ; I had sewn a strip of fabric along the edges to repair the fraying , but now the strips of fabric , themselves , were coming loose ! The newer towels are a bit bigger and I 'll be able to wrap myself completely in one of them . I still probably wouldn 't have bought them , except now , with my new health diagnosis , I am in the mood to pamper myself , a bit . : ) If not now , then , when ? Anyway , $ 10 for two new bath towels is an affordable luxury . I will not discard the old towels , though . I will mend them and continue to use them , as well . My friend who was to come to visit in the afternoon called to say she wasn 't feeling too well , so , her visit was postponed . Instead , I did a load of laundry , hung it up to dry and took a long nap in the afternoon . Guess I was tired . Later in the evening , I put away the laundry and did the dishes . Still later , one of my cousins called and came by to drop off a huge bag of clothes from one of my aunts . Aunt was going through her closet and blessed me with several items of clothing . Daughter has already picked out her favorites ( although they are too big for her ! Today , I am grateful for : In the afternoon , daughter and I met with my financial adviser to attend to some paperwork . I want to have everything in place for daughter , should anything happen to me . Afterwards , we stopped at another of our favorite bakeries to buy some treats . : ) After that , we went to the insurance office to add daughter back on my car insurance , so that she can drive me places , as needed , after treatment starts . Or drive herself places , such as the grocery store , when I am not up to it . I had put her on my car insurance when she first got her license , but then , took her off when she went up to Berkeley , as it was not needed ( she doesn 't have a car up there and doesn 't need to drive ) . But now , she might need to drive on future visits home , so , time to put her back on insurance . We received several discounts for her being a student away from home ( had to be studying at least 100 miles away and have no car at school ; had to show her student ID as proof of being a student away from home ) , a good student ( had to show proof that she 's carrying a full load of classes , her grades and GPA ) , and for having graduated with a science degree ( had to show proof of graduation ) . She also received a 1 year free membership in the Auto Club with my current membership . were the two most important items on my To Do list for today . I had a few other errands to run , too , but we were both feeling tired by then , so , we came home . The other errands can be done tomorrow . They include buying new phones ( cordless ) for the house ( the ones I have are over 10 years old and do not retain much of a charge - they run out of battery power after less than 10 minutes of use ! ) ; getting cat litter ; and doing a stock up from the warehouse store . We had just come home when a friend called , saying she had prepared food for us , please come and pick up ! Totally unexpected ! And such a blessing ! So , I picked a bagful of fresh curry leaves ( a type of culinary herb we use in making curries ; similar to bay leaves ) from a tree in my garden to take for her and daughter included a game to give to my friend 's daughter , and we went over . Visited for a bit , collected the food and came back home . Tomorrow , we 'll run the rest of our errands . I 've invited another friend of mine over in the afternoon , so we 'll pick her up , go to the fabric store ( they are having thread on sale and I need some white thread ; also , they are having quilt batting on sale for 40 % off and I need more batting for the Christmas gifts / Log Cabin Cross wall hangings I am planning to make ) , and enjoy having some company for tea . Today , I am grateful for : Today , I went to the office . My supervisor and colleagues were surprised to see me ; they thought I 'd take the day off to spend with daughter . But daughter had to work on - line from home as previously arranged with her job , so I knew she would be busy . Besides , I will be taking a day of vacation tomorrow and on Monday , too . During my morning break , I went down to the farmers market and bought some croissants ; an almond one for me and a chocolate one for daughter . During my lunch break , I went to the bank . And on my way home from work , I stopped at the library to return some books and to borrow a book I had placed on hold . It 's a book on breast cancer that someone had recommended to me . So I was able to run a couple of errands , as well . It was so lovely to come home and receive a hug from daughter ! It was so nice to have her make me a cup of tea ! I gave her the chocolate croissant I had bought for her and we talked about our day , and a few other things , just like we always do . Later , she did some of her studying ( she has a presentation project due on Monday evening , when she goes back , and a test later in the week ) while I went on - line for a bit and spoke with a friend who called . Dinner was leftovers from what my friend had prepared for us on Tuesday . I think she gave us so much food that there 's more left over for tomorrow , as well ! Tomorrow , I have made a couple of appointments to go with daughter to attend to a few things ; paperwork , etc . , so that things will be taken care of when I won 't feel like doing much after treatment starts ( I expect I shan 't feel too good once chemo starts ; been reading up possible side effects ; I just hope I won 't get any of the more severe side effects ) . Had a consultation with the surgeon , this morning . He wanted some additional tests , including blood work , EKG , and an X - ray , done prior to surgery . So , next step is getting all that done - it 'll be the usual round of paperwork with his office sending the request for additional tests to my doctor and she requesting referrals and authorization , etc . Probably won 't be scheduled for surgery for another 2 - 3 weeks . But that 's OK - it 's additional time for me to get my affairs in order . It was a good consultation . The surgeon was very reassuring . DD went with me . The surgery will be done on an out - patient basis ( no hospital stay ) . He will do what is known as an " open biopsy " which will consist of the removal of the tumor and surrounding tissue and several lymph nodes for testing to see if the cancer has spread . Results will be sent to the oncologist and treatment , including any additional surgery , will depend on results and what the oncologist has to say , but most probably will be chemo followed by radiation . Afterwards , daughter and I went to one of our favorite Japanese restaurants to have an early lunch . We stopped by one of our favorite bakeries for their raisin buns and had to wait for them to be taken out of the oven ! Nothing as good as freshly baked raisin buns , still warm from the oven ! Then , came home and we both took a long nap ! A friend of mine suggested some nightdresses that opened in the front would be convenient to wear after surgery , while recovering . They would be easier to put on ( wouldn 't have to raise my arms to slip them on over my head , although , from what I 've read , I 'll be required to do some exercises , post - op , that would involve raising my arms ! ) and would make changing the bandages / dressings easier , too . So , this weekend , I pulled out some fabric from The Stash and sewed them . They are nothing fancy and I didn 't use a commercial pattern . They look a bit like ankle - length dusters ! But they 'll serve the purpose . I still need to sew on the snaps on the white floral one ( I figured snaps would be easier to fasten than buttons ) . The fabric was given to me by one of my former neighbors , several years ago . Next up : some front - opening , loose fitting blouses to wear at home , after surgery , while recovering . And maybe some satin pillowcases . I read that satin pillowcases might help minimize hair loss - I don 't know how true that is , I 'm fully expecting to lose my hair after chemo starts , but satin pillowcases sound luxurious , don 't they ? And I do have some satin in The Stash ! Might as well use it ! In other news : It RAINED today ! Wooo Hoooo ! Woke up to a real , honest - to - goodness rain shower ! Of course , as it usually happens whenever it rains in any quantity , here , there were flash floods , flooded intersections , flooded freeways , accidents , snarled traffic , uprooted trees , etc . The morning commute was awful - it look me almost 2 1 / 2 hours to get to the office ( normally a 1 hour commute ) . But , it RAINED ! ( We are in a record - breaking 4 - year drought , so rain is very needed . ) I went to the pharmacy today to pick up my prescription refills , and for some unknown reason , I only had to pay for one of them ! And much less than what I normally pay , too ! They do say " don 't look a gift horse in the mouth " , but I questioned the pharmacist about it , but she said that 's how it showed up ! She didn 't know why . Maybe I 'll receive a bill in the mail , later ? Maybe the insurance plan made an adjustment ? Maybe they decided I deserved a break ? ! On my way home from work , I stopped by the grocery store to pick up more cat food , and a few other items : disinfectant wipes , air freshener , trash bags , 2 boxes of saltine type crackers ( salt - free tops ) , and some bananas . Afterwards , I stopped by a friend 's house , at her invitation , because she had prepared some dinner for me to take home ! She has told me not to worry about cooking when I have my treatments , that she will prepare food for me and send it to me through her husband , as she doesn 't drive . Have I mentioned that I am blessed to have such caring , compassionate , generous friends ? I also put some gas to the car , before I came home . Tonight , my daughter is coming home . I will go to pick her up in a short while ( she 's in the air as I type ) . Tomorrow morning , I have my consultation with the surgeon . I am a little scared , but I know I have all the thoughts and prayers of all my family and friends to hold me up . This is a nine - drawer bureau , which used to be my mother 's , which is in the 3rd bedroom ( also known as the guest room / crafts room / home office , but used mostly for storage ! ) . It is 5 ft . 3 in . in length , 15 in . deep and 28 in . in height . This is where the majority ( not all ) of my fabric stash is housed . It also doubles as a bed - side table for any overnight guests . I apologize in advance for the quality of the photos . I 'm taking them with my laptop , which doesn 't take the best quality photos . There is a big picture window above the bed and the wall behind is painted white . It 's not very clear in the photo , but the 3 drawers in the middle are slightly smaller than the drawers on either side . The measurements of the longer drawers on either side are 20 in . long ( side to side ) by 12 in . deep ( front to back ) and 5 in . high ( top to bottom ) . The middle drawers are 16 in . long and the same depth and height . The very top drawer on the left ( our left when looking at the photo ) , contains some of daughter 's clothing accessories . The next drawer below that , contains my velvets , silks , satins , gold and silver lamé , etc . These are mostly uncut lengths of fabric ( as opposed to remnants / scraps ) . Almost all of it was bought by my mother : The bottom drawer on the left contains my solid colored cottons / cotton blends ( mostly broadcloth , bought for $ 1 / yd . when on sale ) . Again , mostly new fabric , 1 - 4 yards in length . The rather fat piece of fabric at the very left is actually a twin - size bed sheet that was given to me , stored here , rather than in the linen closet , because I am planning to use it as a backing for a quilt . And an extra long piece of red broadcloth , since I need red for Christmas gifts . I like to store my fabric upright , like files in a file drawer , because then , I can see at a glance what I have and can remove a particular piece of fabric without making too much of a mess . Solid Colored Cottons The middle drawers , next . The very top one holds all the black fabric ( cottons , silks , satins , all mixed up ) . Most of these are large pieces of remnants , leftover from my mother 's sewing . And now the drawers on the right hand side , closest to the bed . The very top drawer is storage for non - sewing related items like daughter 's baby shoes ! And some picture frames . In addition to what 's stored in the bureau , I have flannel fabric stored in another drawer of a chest of drawers , along with daughter 's stash of polar fleece , and " home decor " / upholstery fabric stored in a suitcase ! : o All bought on deep sales . What an abundance ! All waiting until I have enough time to get to them , someday , when I retire ! Hopefully . I like storing the fabric stash in drawers because it keeps the visual clutter to a minimum and the dust ( and cat fur ! ) off the fabric and minimizes fading , too . Do you have a fabric stash ? If so , where do you keep it ? How have you organized your fabric stash ? Posted by I 've mentioned , in previous posts , a bit about my childhood . Very briefly , my mother had married a widower with 5 children ; 4 boys and 1 girl . I am my mother 's only child ; my father 's 6th child and 2nd daughter . My oldest half - brother was 16 years old and the youngest half - brother was 8 years old when I was born . So , I was definitely the baby sister . Spoilt and petted , teased and bullied , and bossed around . : ) My father died when I was 7 years old and things continued more or less the same for some time . But , eventually , things soured between my mother and her step children , especially after she met the person who would become her second husband . The household was dissolved after my half - sister married and left . It was a rather acrimonious dissolution . I was 10 years old . At the end of that year , 1966 , when I was 11 years old , my mother remarried and my dentist became my stepfather . That 's one way to cut down costs on braces , and so forth ! : D My mother and stepfather had no children together ; my stepfather always called me his daughter . 42 years ago , at the end of August , 1973 , my mother , stepfather , and I left the country of our birth ( Sri Lanka ) and journeyed forth . I was 17 years old , and had just completed my high school education . My mother , a teacher with certificates from Britain , who had recently retired after teaching for 25 years , had received a post to teach English in Taiwan . But , on our way to Taiwan , we visited relatives in Malaysia and Hong Kong . We visited more family while we were in Taiwan , as well . And I sat for a test known as Test of English as a Foreign Language ( TOEFL ) . English was technically my second language , but I 've been bilingual in my native language ( Sinhalese ) and English since I was a child . After my mother 's teaching job ended in Taiwan , we went back to Hong Kong , where she received another teaching position . While we were in Hong Kong , I sat for the London " O " ( Ordinary ) Level exams - similar to a high school exit exam . My parents ( mother and stepfather ) were planning to send me to Britain for my university studies . But my life 's journey has been steered by unseen forces . The most random of occurrences . One day , when we were in Hong Kong and my stepfather was out and about going about his business , it poured with rain . And he sought shelter from the rain by going into the nearest open doorway . Which happened to be the United States Information Services office ( I understand that the name has since changed to US Information Agency ) . My stepfather introduced himself to the person in charge there and during the course of the conversation , my stepfather had mentioned me . The director had asked what was I doing and when my stepfather had said I was to apply to a British university ( to follow in my father 's footsteps ) , had asked why not a university in the US ? He asked my stepfather to bring me along , so , the next day , we all went - my mother , my stepfather , and I . Apparently , a recruiting officer from the University of Wisconsin had just visited and they were looking for qualified applicants ! I was encouraged to apply and so , I did ! I still remember , on the way back to our apartment , my stepfather saying , " We 'll go home and discuss this " and my mother saying , very decisively , " She 's going " ! My stepfather and I looked at each other and knew that there was nothing left to discuss ! : D My mother was a very mild person , for the most part , but when she made up her mind , her word was law ! I stayed up late into the night filling out the forms and writing an essay as part of the application process . We delivered the forms the next day and they were faxed and the acceptance letter ( and a tuition waiver scholarship ! ) was faxed back . All I needed to do was go to the embassy to get my visa . Oh , and show US $ 2 , 000 in the bank as security ( plus money for the plane ticket , and room and board , etc . , which the scholarship didn 't cover ) . Had we been in Sri Lanka , where we had assets and my stepfather 's very successful dental practice , it might not have been a problem to find the funds . But we had left Sri Lanka at a time when we couldn 't take any of our assets with us , and were in a foreign country , where the only source of income we had was my mother 's salary as a teacher . $ 2 , 000 US was a fortune we didn 't have , with no time to raise it before our appointment at the embassy . But , my mother was a resourceful person ; she was determined her daughter was going to the US for her education . She took the only assets she had with her - her jewellery , her teaching certificates and contract . My student visa was granted based on what she had . Mother then pawned her jewellery to provide me with the additional $ 2 , 000 I needed to have on me to pay for the room and board , text books , etc . , and for my plane ticket . My mother sewed the cashier 's check inside my bra to make sure I didn 't lose it ! : D My aunt ( stepfather 's sister , who was also living in Hong Kong at the time ) withdrew from her savings to provide part of the funds for my expenses . I was 18 years old and taking my very first solo trip , going half way across the world , in the days before internet , video chats , emails , etc . Even an international phone call was going to be a very rare treat due to the cost . I sent weekly letters home . My stepfather saved each of my letters in a file folder - I found them all after he died . I still have them , although I have not re - read them . I had been in the US for two years before my parents immigrated . It took that long for their paperwork to go through . But once they immigrated , they sponsored me and I changed my visa status to resident alien , and , eventually , naturalized citizen . Wisconsin winters were too hard for my parents , so they moved to Florida , where I joined them after I graduated with my Bachelor 's degree . But Florida was too lonely , and so , we packed the car with all our belongings ( yes , at that time , all we owned fitted into our car ! ) and drove across the country to California , where we had family . That was 1978 . I went back to Wisconsin in 1980 to get my Master 's . There was no tuition - waiver scholarship , this time . I did my degree in 1 1 / 2 years and returned to California . I couldn 't find a job in my field for a few years , but , I accepted a clerical job and worked my way up . We moved from the single / studio apartment to a 2 - bedroom apartment and , later , I bought my house . My stepfather died in 1987 . My mother died in 2006 . In between , I got married , had my daughter , got divorced , etc . My marriage broke up even before my daughter was born , although the divorce wasn 't finalized until later ; through it all , my mother was my staunch support . So , today , I have reached this point in my journey . There have been times when I 've hurried along , looking forward to arriving at the destination , impatient to start living my life once I arrived ; and there have been times when I 've dawdled along , unwillingly , reluctantly , dreading what I might find at the end upon arrival . I don 't know where my journey will take me . Too often , I don 't see what 's ahead , it 's only when I look back that I can see where I have been . But I do know that I am being led along my journey and I 'm determined to appreciate the journey for what it is , no matter where I am being led . I hope to be a pleasant companion to others who might travel along with me for even part of the journey , and , leave them happy to have met me along their way . And if you 've read all this long post , thank you ! I hope your journeys will lead you along pleasant pathways to a place where you want to be . Here 's to pleasant journeys . I finished the Log Cabin Cross wall hanging , today ! After I added the dark blue border , I realized that I probably should have added another white strip along the two sides to separate the arms of the cross from the blue border . But I didn 't feel like unpicking and resewing , so , this one will stay as it is . I will make changes to others I plan to make . The back is a piece of pale grey and white fabric , which I had in the scrap stash . It 's not noticeable in the photo , but I sewed a " sleeve " or " pocket " like thing at the very top of the back , using a strip of the same fabric . A dowel or rod can be slipped through this " sleeve " for purposes of hanging the wall hanging . I used a piece of the polyester batting I have on hand to sandwich the wall hanging , and sewed around the inner cross and around the border to form a sort of " outline " quilting ( and to hold the batting in place ) . I am quite pleased with how it turned out . This was a very frugal gift because I used fabric in my stash and used what I had on hand . I didn 't have to purchase anything . And it used up several of the bigger pieces of fabric I had in the stash , so it reduced the stash , just a bit , as well . : ) Friday 's Blessings On Friday , I went to the office in the morning . There had been an accident on the freeway , only two exits before mine , and the two right lanes were closed and traffic backed up all the way to before where I get on . It took me nearly 1 1 / 2 hours to drive to work . But , I counted my blessings : the longer commute meant I had a longer time to listen to the cd of hymns I had playing - the Mormon Tabernacle Choir . It was also a blessing that I could arrive 30 minutes late to the office without worrying about it ( I just stayed 30 minutes later in the evening to make up for it . ) Later in the morning , I took some time off from work and went to the clinic to pick up a copy of my pathology report . I had meant to ask for a copy from the doctor , last Friday , but I forgot . So , today , I picked up a copy and read what it said . Then , since I had some questions to ask my doctor , I requested to see her . I didn 't have an appointment , and I had to wait about an hour until she had seen her other patients ( those with appointments ) , but that was OK - I sat in an air conditioned waiting room and relaxed . That hour of relaxing and waiting was a blessing , too . I asked the doctor ( she 's my primary care physician ) the questions I had to ask and then , asked her if she would speak to my daughter , as well . So , the doctor phoned my daughter while I sat in on the conversation and patiently answered my daughter 's questions and concerns , as well . And , believe me , daughter had a LOT of questions ! But , afterwards , daughter felt a lot better . She 's not as stressed as she was earlier , before she spoke to the doctor . Another blessing . The doctor 's office scales indicated that I have lost 4 lbs . during this week ! I knew that I had lost my appetite , but I hadn 't realized I had lost weight , as well . Since I am overweight , any weight loss is a good thing and a blessing . My blood pressure was a little elevated ( I am on medication for it ) , but , I suppose that was to be expected under the circumstances . I need to concentrate on relaxing and meditating , this weekend . My sugar levels were fine ( I 'm diabetic and on medications for that , too ) . Doctor clarified the procedures . I will go on Wednesday for a consultation with the surgeon . Once surgery is scheduled , I 'll go in to have a lumpectomy and they might also take sample lymph nodes for testing . I will also be referred to an oncologist who will study the results of the lumpectomy and do further tests as needed to determine the staging and treatment . My primary care physician will also be involved to treat all my other ailments . Good to know . I went back to the office for the afI had just come home when one of my nieces called from out of state . She lives on the east coast and has called and missed me twice , already , on previous occasions because of the time differences . Today , she sent me an email , and I told her I don 't get home until much later than she thought I did . There were several phone messages , too - each one a blessing as it indicated a friend or a loved one calling to inquire how I was . One of the phone calls was from a friend , asking if she could visit me in the evening . I called back and said , " Yes , of course " . Then , I returned the other phone calls , including one from my ( older ) half - sister . And received a call from one of my two surviving ( older ) half - brothers . My half - siblings and I have not had the closest of relationships , but , once upon a time , I was their baby sister . When something like this happens , I guess we feel more connected . Perhaps , this , too , is a blessing . The friend who called and asked if she could visit mentioned she was going to a craft store before coming to see me . So , I asked her to pick up a package of white pipe cleaners for me . Not for a craft project , but for Dancer cat . He loves to play with a pipe cleaner and I was all out of them . The other day , when he heard me open the craft supplies drawer where I usually keep the pipe cleaners ( I was looking for something else ) , he came running and sat by the drawer , hoping that I might toss him a pipe cleaner to play with . When my friend came over , with her husband and daughters , she brought , not only the pipe cleaners but also dinner ! What a blessing ! And my favorite fried chicken , coleslaw , mashed potatoes with gravy , and biscuits ! Her daughters video chatted with my daughter , so daughter , too , got to spend the evening in the virtual company of friends ! They left the leftovers for me , so now , I have tomorrow 's dinner in the fridge ! So , today has been a day filled with blessings . And I am grateful for each and everyone of them . How was your Friday ? Anyone else counting her blessings ? Today , I woke up to a beautiful sunrise . I turned on the altar lights , opened the doors and windows to let in the morning air , even though it was not too cool ( already almost 80F at 6 : 30 a . m ) , and turned on the sprinklers in the back garden to water it while I drank a cup of coffee . Then , I drove myself to the office . Later in the morning , I called my doctor , again , to ask about my referral . The nurse transferred me to the referral desk and the clerk there said he had just processed my referral . It was authorized , h has just faxed the information to the specialist , and he gave me the name , address , and phone number to call . I called the specialist 's office and made the appointment for next week . I took the first date and time they had available . But , daughter wants to attend the initial consultation with me , so , I might need to switch it for the next day , if possible . I shall call tomorrow to see if that can be done . If not , daughter will try to make it on the scheduled day . She has spoken with her professors and explained the situation to them and they are bending over backwards to try to accommodate her need to be with me . We are so grateful for how understanding they are . Today , I received some information and literature from my colleague who has been through a similar experience . I have spent most of the evening reading articles about what to expect , other people 's experiences , and post - operative care . So now , I am wondering how will I manage after I come home from the hospital . Daughter will be with me during the surgery , but she 'll have to go back to her classes . Even with helpful professors , there 's only so many lectures she can miss . Even if she comes home for the weekends , I 'll still be on my own during the week . Who will help me change the dressings , empty the drainage tubes , clean the cat 's litter box , etc . ? Family and friends will drive me to appointments ( I won 't be allowed to drive for 10 - 14 days after surgery ) , bring me meals , clean my house , wash my dishes , etc . But , can I also ask them to clean the litter box , too ? Will they be willing to change my dressing and clean my wound ? Will I be able to do it by myself ? The wound will be on my right side and I am right handed . So , today , I am full of doubts and some worries . Today , I will ask for more help from a Higher Power for help with the details of aftercare . Tomorrow , I might arrive at some solutions . |
Crystal Cove State Beach Cottages are a step back in time . The southern California beach , the temperatures and the adorable ' 50 's style houses make it my favorite vacation spot . We always feel like we have won the lottery when we 've been lucky enough to get a reservation . This is a picture of the house will be staying in for a week starting tomorrow . This place is so special that we have to share it with our dearest friends . When they are able to clear their schedule and come too , well , it is like winning the Mega Jackpot ! Posted by The other night we pulled up to a red light behind a mini - van . There was a DVD that hung from the ceiling playing a children 's movie . My first thought was , I wish we had those when the kids were little . Then I thought of all the special times that would have been lost . Since the kids were little , we played a game they called alligator ( it was actually navigator ) . Jim devised this game and I have to admit , sometimes I didn 't have the patience for it . The game designated one of the kids as the navigator . They were responsible for directing the driver to turn left or right . The driver had to obey - unless it was dangerous or illegal - think one way streets . I believe this migh be how they learned their right from their left . When they were very little , they would direct us within our neighborhood . Then home from the store or school . The boundaries got bigger as they grew , until they could direct us home from out of town . We also added more challenges , such as telling us ahead of time which streets we were going to take . Did we ever get lost or take a longer way home ? Absolutely . But that was part of the fun . Both kids knew the streets of Redding very well by the time they were in middle school . By the time they got their driver 's license they were confident out on their own . They were surprised that other teen drivers , born raised in the area , couldn 't find their way around . Our niece and nephew often stayed with us . A while back , our niece , now 30 years old , told us how she remembered playing ' alligator ' and how much fun she had riding in the car with us . It is nice to hear about pleasant memories from their childhood . I am glad we didn 't have a DVD . No one wants to be stuck on a cross country flight with a crying baby anymore than the baby 's mother does . So , I have to wonder , why would mother with a child under the age of five , board an airplane for a cross country flight with nothing to feed the child or entertain the child ? The cute little boy was not yet two years old . His mom looked about 20 . She brought her blackberry for her to use ( what else can they do besides make calls or email - neither allowed on our flight ) . But the little boy was just held in her lap - staring at the back of the seat in front of him . He became very fussy upon take off . Helllooo , didn 't she think that his poor little ears would pop and hurt . A bottle , a drink , yawning games , anything would have eased the discomfort . No , she just kept repeating , stop ! Stop ! I said stop ! He settled down some after the plane leveled . An hour into the trip he starts screaming - again . They are sitting on the isle seat ; I am directly across . No one is sitting next to them , but a business man is in the window seat . Mom tries to give child a drink of soda , he flings it out of her hand into the business man 's lap . The man has long since had headphones on . He jumps and to his credit , tries to help the mom get things cleaned up . At this point , the lady behind me passes the boy a little box of sugar pops cereal . The boy is delighted and takes one at time to eat . Mom puts the tray table down and he plays a couple of games with them , arranging them different ways over 45 minutes . Then they are gone . He gets fussy . He looks at mom and plays with her hair , which she doesn 't like . He tries banging his hands on the tray . That gets boring . I play peek - a - boo until he tires of that game . I dig in my purse . It has been a long time since I carried ' emergency toys ' in my purse . I find a little change purse , empty the change and put some Teddy Grams in it . After asking mom if it is okay to give it to him , he happily takes it . He is not as interested in the Teddy Grams as opening and closing it . It has a little clasp , that appaPosted by My airport experience flying back to Virginia was covered here . Adventures in flying - part 1 - Missing laptop , ishere . I pick up the story on our travel adventures on the way to the airport in Virginia . We did get the laptop and we were still on time for the flight . All of the sudden , tension gone , we break into uncontrollable laughter , tears are steaming down our faces . Each of us tried to replicate the sound Dennie made going in the window , to retrieve the laptop . Since Dennie was the one to " break in " to the condo for my forgotten laptop : I felt I owed her to make sure I didn 't cause a " stink " at airport security - this time . Dennie has always embarrassed easily . She is also a retired CHP officer so she follows the rules . She claimed the hassle with security going east was because I had the water bottle in the first place . Therefore , driving to the airport , I promised her I would not take a water bottle with me . The words were hardly out of my mouth when I reached in my coat pocket and realized I had a plastic bottle of diet coke . It was unopened . I really , really , wanted it for the long , 8 - hour cross country flight . I suggested since it was plastic , maybe I could just leave it in my coat pocket . I saw the muscles in her jaw twitch and it was still dark ! Remembering the sight of her hanging half in and half out the window , I promise I will throw away the coke too . After checking our bags , we went into the restroom where she watched me pour my soda down the sink and throw the bottle away - Sigh . We were approaching security when I remembered they insist on having laptops out of the bags . We stop so I could get the multi - zippered bag in the right direction , with the right zipper slightly opened for easy removal . A few feet closer and I reach in my purse and get out my boarding pass . We are almost there when I remembered to take out my driver 's license too . See , I say to her , I have everything ready and I won 't cause any trouble . She looked relieved . I am proud of myself , I am completely ready for a smooth pass throuPosted by I felt I had to respond to the " Dear J " column about memory loss on ttp : / / www . anewscafe . com / I have a unique perspective on the issue of memory loss becauseA ) As a medical social worker , I studied and worked with the elderly and terminal patients . B ) I went through this stage of life with my mother , father - in - law and mother - in - law , andC ) I currently have many of the same issues as a result of a stroke . Here are my suggestions : 1 ) Anyone can hold it together for a couple of hours . You need to spend at least a couple of days with the person to judge their functioning - preferably , not in their own home . We develop a system in our home , the familiarity and routine can mask a lot . Ever watch a blind person fly around their home , cooking and cleaning ? 2 ) Observe the person objectively , don 't think of them as your strong dad or mom , wife , husband , sister or brother . 3 ) Look for coping mechanisms they use to deal with diminished capacity , thing like : pads of paper everywhere to make notes or jog memory - especially with with phone numbers or information they once knew well . instructions or labels on how to operate household appliances , TV , etc less desire to go out or do things that were once pleasurable - movies , or social activities . not wanting to use the phone as much or passing it over to someone else in the home - ' here , dad wants to talk to you " using " catch phases " that fit a number of situations " that wouldn 't be bad now , would it ? " using humor to deflect or not directly answer a question . My dear father - in - law was so good humored , many things were missed . When asked by the doctor what brought him to the emergency room , he replied , " the ambulance " . Everyone in the room laughed , someone else filled in the medical issue and the doctor never ask him again . avoiding large crowds , loud environments , or a lot of things going on at once . The more stimulation , the less ability to function . abnormal fear of falling or taking avoidance of taking showers or baths . Letting other personal grooming slip getting angry over little things thDarcie I know this is ' Adventures in flying - part 1 ' - because I am writing this on the plane and more has happened since leaving the condo . Heading to the airport had a rocky start . We needed to leave by 5 : 00 A . M . I have short hair and usually don 't wear make - up , so I can go from bed to shower , to out the door , in 30 minutes or less . My sister , on the other hand , has longer , very thick hair that takes FOREVER to dry . She said she would need to get up at 3 : 30 A . M . to be able to leave by 5 : 00A . M . - the airport was 34 miles away and our flight left at 7 : 15 . The car in front of the window that saved usThings were going smoothly - at first . We both did a final check to make sure we had everything . We had packed the night before . I even remembered to call the office to let them know we were checking out very early . No problem , just leave the keys in the unit instead of dropping them in the box at the closed office . We manage to haul the wheeled luggage down the entry way stairs , bump , bump , bump . We were trying to be quiet in the dark , early morning , but it was nearly impossible . Until we remembered the upstairs neighbors had sounded like a heard of elephants all week , especially after 11 : 00 P . M . - that 's when we stopped worrying about the noise . While loading the luggage in the trunk of the car , I went down my mental list . Large suitcase , check . Smaller suitcase , check . Purse , check . Laptop , chh . . . , laptop . . . . . . laptop ? ? ! ! ! Dennie , do you have my laptop ? No ! Really ? Oh , crap ! Do you have a room key ? No , they told us to leave them in the room , remember ? Now , I 'm frantic . I would rather lose my purse than lose my laptop as I could replace the items in my purse easier . All week we had to be extra careful to make sure the front door was shut tightly as it had a tenancy not to click shut . I Crossed my fingers that maybe it didn 't close this time . I checked , but of course it was closed tighter than a bank vault . I yell to get in the car ! We go flying over the speed bumps trying to find SOMEONE , anyone , on the property . I suggest now isPosted by Visiting Williamsburg has been on my ' bucket list ' of things to do before I die . We have spent a week here without ever going out of the Colonial Triangle of Williamsburg , Yorktown and Jamestown . It is an incredible area and definitely worth the trip - especially for history buffs . One truly steps back in time to experience the sights , sounds and way of life . We rode this carriage around the Colony . There were scholars , weavers , blacksmiths , cobblers , shop keepers , farmers and every other occupation needed to run a community . It is time to step forward to the present and fly home . In Williamsburg , we found the Food for Thought Restaurant . We had spotted the ad for it in a visitor center publication . Drawn to the restaurant by its name , we decided to eat there when we saw it was voted " best new restaurant in Williamsburg . " We were seated in a room that had a glass window to the kitchen area . There were famous quotes and expressions painted on the walls . Pictures of Presidents and great statesmen hung throughout the dinning room and bar area . If patrons had trouble starting a conversation , they could pick a card from a stack on the table . Some cards had ' mind games ' - word or math puzzles . Others were prompts to open dialog , such as , who is your favorite actress and why ? My sister , Dennie , had talked about " cheesy grits " on the flight east . She claimed it was a local cuisine and we should try some while in Virginia . Does cheesy grits and cuisine belong in the same sentence ? Sorry Dennie . I , on the other hand , had been looking forward to crab cakes . Once seated , sweet potato corn bread and Parmesan cheese biscuits were placed on the table . While I did not think sweet potato corn bread sounded very good , I would like their recipe - I know it would be a new Thanksgiving tradition in our home . Dennie ordered her cheesy grits as a side to pot roast with sweet potato fries . I had a crab cake and selected broccoli and asparagus as my side dishes . My plate came with with a ramekin of ' southwest remoulade sauce . We both were very impressed with the food . Dennie said her pot roast and sweet potato fries were the best . She was not thrilled with the cheesy grits - preferring more cheddar flavor . I sampled them and thought they tasted like wall paper paste ( don 't ask how I know ) . I was thrilled with my selections . There was plenty of food and the price was only $ 8 . 95 per meal . Our server may have eyed us with suspicion when we first arrived as we took pictures of the sign outside before entering the restaurant . When he saw me taking a picture of the menu , I had to explain that my friends , Doni and Kelly , have FoodPosted by It was chilling walking the Revolutionary War battlefield in Yorktown today . Nearing the the edge of the York river , I saw two men painting a cannon . I asked if I could help paint . They looked around , then at each other - stunned . I immediately promised not to fling the paint or slop it onto metal pieces . Finally , the younger one , shrugged his shoulders and handed me his paint brush . Then , I asked the older man if he would take a picture for me . He agreed , probably thinking it would get me out of their hair faster . Note : There is a cannon ball stuck in the side of the brick house , between the two windows - It wasn 't me - honest ! We discovered a wonderful place in Williamsburg , totally by accident - President 's Park . The Park has 16 - 18 feet tall busts of every president ( but President Obama ) . The information about the presidents and the first ladies was amazing ! We both fell in love with this Park . Visiting the gift shop , I mentioned to my sister I could use some T - Shirts . The clerk overheard me . She had a whole barrel full that she couldn 't sell and was trying to dump . I took four . They will make good night shirts as we can 't bring ourselves to wear them in public ; ) Posted by I don 't know anyone that enjoys going through airport security . I tried to plan ahead and have my boarding pass and ID ready to show . I took off my shoes , put my purse and laptop bag in the square plastic tubs to be scanned . As I was walking through the metal detector , the screener asked if the black bag passing through the machine was my laptop . Yes . Then he asked about the brown purse . I identified the purse as mine . He opened my purse and pulled out a water bottle ( I had forgotten it was in there ) . He cited the rule of " only 3 ounces of liquid allowed . " The 12 ounce water bottle was probably three quarters full . I apologized and offered to drink it . Nope , not allowed . Can I pour it in the trash ? Nope , not on that side of the security belt . At that point , a young TSA agent stepped up and said he would walk me out ( the entire 6 feet ) to the ' other side ' where I could dispose of the water . So I follow the uniformed young man carrying my water - apparently I was not to touch it . Once through the gate , he handed me the bottle . I drink it down to less than an inch . I figured there wasn 't even 3 ounces left . Nope , still not good enough , even though it was less than 3 ounces , it was still in a 12 ounce container . Geez . But , the young man cheerily confides , if I empty it , I can keep the bottle and then fill it from the drinking fountain in sight - less than 4 feet away . I drink the rest of the water . One of the most frustrating and embarrassing residuals of the stroke is the inability to handle a lot of stimulation , frustration , or new information . The airport was crowded , hot , noisy and then ' all this ' ( in my logical mind it was not a big deal - however , in my post stroke ( PS ) brain it was overwhelming . Unfortunately , the PS brain was in control of the rest of my body . As I became more frustrated , I got more confused and my brain just shut down - like a computer in hibernation mode . Then , my vision started narrowing - leaving a pin hole of central vision . My wonderful new prism glasses were totally ineffective . All I coulPosted by In 1999 , I was a social worker . I was transporting a 10 year old foster child from Butte County to Shasta County . It was a beautiful spring day . At one point , he said it was getting warm in the car . I suggested he roll down the window . He looked at me puzzled and asked where the button was located . I explained I did not have power windows and he he would have to roll them down with the handle . His face lit up and he yelled , THAT ' S WHY THEY SAY ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS ! He had always wondered why they didn 't say push down the window . Every few minutes for the rest of the ride , he would repeat roll down the window and then giggle . My dad was a truck driver for over 30 years . He never cussed when I was growing up . After college , I was eager to have him see me as an adult . I can 't remember the subject we were discussing , but feeling like an equal , I said the word ' shit ' . Dad looked stunned . Then quietly , he said , " You just had something in your mouth I would never put in my hand . " Lesson Learned . Tomorrow I leave for Harrisburg , VA . My sister , a history buff , has always wanted to go and I have never been either . Several weeks back we bought our Southwest Airline tickets for $ 99 each way to Roanoke . Then we scored a two bedroom condo for $ 400 for the entire week . Throw in our $ 89 weekly , standard size , car rental and how could we not take advantage the opportunity ? By dividing the expenses , of the car rental and condo we could swing it . Of course , we have to eat , but because the condo is fully furnished - including the kitchen . - we will buy groceries for the week , which we would have had to do anyway . It sounds like a great adventure . So why am I so scared ? It will be the first time without my Service Dog , Bailey . I have not been on a long flight . Since the stroke , I have a number of issues that will make this trip an enormous challenge for me . I want to push the envelope . I have been working hard on my physical and mental abilities for over 3 years now . So why am I so terrified ? A family member recently said he was , " Busier than a hog on ice . " That got me thinking about some sayings I learned from my elders . Expressions such as , " Don 't go at it like you are killing snakes . " One grandparent had a saying that always made us kids snicker , " Slicker than snot on a door knob " Eeewwww . My dad would describe nicely painted cars , but without power , as being , " All show and no go . " When my mother worried about someone 's safety , dad would reply philosophically , " Some of them make it and some of them don 't ! " Most of my family would describe bargaining for something as " jewing them down " I was so embarrassed when a friend informed me the saying was racist . I had never connected Jews with that expression . I honestly thought it was a separate word . Thank God for good friends that speak up to educate . Dad often showed us creative ways to accomplish a task or make a repair . When asked how he knew that , he would reply , " It 's an old Indian trick . " I always wanted to meet his Indian friends as they had to be very smart ! Could that expression be offensive as well ? Old expressions came up again today , when talking with my sister . I asked if I woke her with the early morning phone call . She said no , she was waiting for the coffee to " percolate . " It was day 11 of Jim and Laura 's 19 day , cross - county , bike trip in Vietnam . Jim sent a short email asking me to cancel our credit and debit cards . He had " lost " his wallet . That was the entire message so I didn 't know if it had been lost or stolen . I did know there had to be more to the story . In a longer email , a few days later , Jim said he didn 't believe the wallet had been stolen . He remembered putting the wallet in his computer bag but it wasn 't there . A check of the suitcases and support truck didn 't produce it either . When Laura dropped Jim off at home , he said he had found the wallet in the suitcase when they were packing to leave . He swears both he and Laura looked there numerous times . Oh happy day . Jim did not have to replace his driver 's license or health insurance cards and all the other things he crammed into that little black , tri - fold piece of leather . The next morning , Jim couldn 't find his wallet - again . He remembers getting it out to pay the toll at the Bay Bridge on the way home from the airport . Since he crashed his bike , broke his clavicle , and cracked some ribs , moving was uncomfortable and he didn 't return the wallet to his pants pocket ; instead , he set it down on the console of Laura 's car . Jim called Laura and sure enough , she found the wallet in her car . Laura said she would drop it in the mail after work . The next morning , Laura calls and said she is so sorry - but she lost Jim 's wallet - yet again . She put it in her pocket , then rode her scooter to work . Instead of dropping it in the mail , she apparently dropped it on the road . She back tracked but didn 't find the elusive wallet . There must be a reason that wallet wants to runaway . Last night , we returned home to find a phone message from a women in Redding . She had found Jim 's wallet near her house when out walking . Now for the incredible part . . . . . She drove to our old house in Redding and tried to return it . Since we had moved , it took some sleuthing on the part of her family , but they found our phone number in Elk Grove . She wanted to returnPosted by It has always fascinated me how people remember things . I am a visual learner and my memory resembles slides in a mutimedia presentation . Where are the keys ? A picture of them , on the kitchen island , appears in my mind 's eye . What do we need at the store ? I visualize holding an empty container or throwing away the box . What is John 's number ? I see a video of the last time I called him - with a close up of the numbers . I used to have somewhat of a photographic memory . I could read the newspaper or a book and remember the exact location of text - particularly helpful in college . My sister laughed at the way I described ' filing ' information in my mind . Imagine a virtual Rolodex with tab headings , helpful hints , numbers , studies , trivia or dates . There was no end to my Rolodex - or so I thought . I feel betrayed by my mind . It is now smiliar to Swiss cheese . I recall stupid trivia but can 't remember something that happened to me this month . I can recite phone numbers from 30 years ago but can 't remember my current cell phone number - it 's a blank screen . I remember how I used to function and wish I didn 't . I have to admit to feeling very conflicted about being alone while Jim was on his adventure in Vietnam with our daughter . One minute I was excited about being on my own for the first time in my life , the next minute I was full of anxiety about being left alone and not knowing how I would function . That may sound extreme , but since my stroke , there are many ' activities of daily living ' ( as the medical profession calls them ) that can be a challenge for me . We had considered many alternatives for my safety , including , going to a relative 's or friend 's house or having someone come here ( thanks for all the gracious offers ) . I even thought about going on a cruise where meals , room , entertainment , even a doctor / medical clinic are available . Don 't laugh , there are some incredible deals for cruises as low as $ 42 per day ; a fraction of assistive living costs . I am so glad we moved to our retirement community when we did . The house is built for ' aging in place ' and has many of the safety features that I now appreciate - things like hand rails in the shower and taller toilets . When we first moved in , I could not believe how many beeps , tones , buzzes and alarms there were in our house . There would be a beep when a door opened . The stove beeps at setting changes or if left unattended . The dishwasher beeps . The refrigerator chimes if a door is ajar . The very sounds I thought I might find annoying were a comfort to me these last couple of weeks . I have always felt strong and in control of my life - until the stroke . I am trying desperately to regain that feeling . Daily , I do several hours of cognitive therapy ( which includes this blog ) . I had to put my ego aside to use whatever assistive devices make my life easier ; service dog , cane , prism glasses , tricycle for transportation , strangers kind offers of help , and handicapped public access features . Thank God for the American Disabilities Act ( ADA ) . I DID IT ! I stayed alone and enjoyed recovering more independence . I got to know my ( new ) self a little better and I didn 't burn the housPosted by This week , Uncle Jay answers a question about why newspapers are shutting down . Ahhh . . . . now I get it . I have mentioned Uncle Jay Explains the News in this blog before . You are missing a few chuckles per week if you have not clicked on this site . Uncle Jay Explains the News is located on the right hand side on A News Cafe . com 's home page - hint : it is in a blue box labeled " Fun and Games " There is a reason I have not bought Girl Scout cookies in decades . That is not to say I pass up the little entrepreneurs in front or Raley 's or close the door on the neighbor 's children or grand children . I will ask them about the cookie sale , then give them the money for a box or two - and tell them to keep the cookies . Trust me , it is a much better deal for us both . The last time I actually had a box of scout cookies , there were only three varieties ; apparently that has changed . The other night , neighbors came over for dinner and a card game . They were so sweet to bring a box of peanut butter patties ( how long have they offered that flavor ? ) . OMG , now I remember why just giving the scouts money and not getting the cookies is a good idea . I knew I shouldn 't have opened the box . Let me just say , having Girl Scout cookies and insomnia is not good ! I hate the phone to ring in the middle of the night . My heart sinks before I even answer it . This morning at 5 : 00 AM . It was Laura , our daughter who is on a bicycling trip through Vietnam with her dad . she is so good in that she said , " First , we are fine but we got to experience the Vietnam medical system . " Jim took a ' spill ' and fractured his collar bone according to her . He will need surgery and would I make an appointment with the doctor for when he gets home . No other details , she was borrowing a phone . She promised to email more . This is the email : Of course the Internet connection is really slow here so my message will have to be short ( there is a line for the only computer ) . Dad is doing fine but is in a little discomfort . We have pain meds for him and have a brace that keeps his shoulder immobilized . Fortunately there is a radiologist from Seattle on this trip and he confirmed what the doctor at the hospital said . We have the X - rays for Dad to take to his doctor . Ideally they would like to do surgery , but there shouldn 't be any harm in waiting until he gets home . Dad is adamant that we don 't go home early even though I have pressed him several times . Especially since at least for him riding is over for a couple of months although the doctor said he could do it one handed . However , his daughter will not allow that . Dad had x - rays , an exam , 2 braces , immobilization , and debridement all for the grand total of $ 40 . Our guide was amazed that I thought it would cost at least $ 1500 . Hope all is going well with you ! I hate not being with him , but it sounds like their adventure continues . . . . . I listened to a program that explained how the federal government is going to be releasing money so people can now go out and buy things on credit . I don 't understand . Isn 't that how we got in this mess to begin with - buying things we couldn 't afford and putting them on credit ? It was a brain exercise for me to listen to the entire program . But , I failed the exercise because by the end , I still didn 't get it . One would think in this economy that retailers would bend over backwards to make sales and keep customers happy . Unfortunately , sometimes the customer has to be the one to ask for service . We purchased a security screen for the front door . It had to be special ordered as the door is extra tall . We were told it would be in two weeks . Plenty of time before Jim left for Vietnam . The week before he left , I called . After checking the paperwork I was told it would be in " in two weeks " . Okay , I don 't believe they placed the order - but hey , it 's just a guess . We had arranged for the door to be installed but thought it would arrive in time for Jim to pick it up . When it finally came in , I explained I would have to have it delivered . We are talking 3 miles from the store to our house . I was told there would be a $ 79 . 00 delivery charge ! Shocked , I reminded them it was their installer doing the work . Couldn 't he just bring it out with him ? I asked . The customer service representative said , well that 's different , why didn 't I say say so in the first place ? In that case , it 's only a $ 50 . 00 delivery harge . Call me crazy , but I still think that is excessive for a 3 mile delivery . But wait , there 's more . While she is on the phone , she asks me to hold while she ' checks on something " . when she returns , she ststes there is a problem in that the person scheduled to install the door does not have a pick - up truck . So we are back up to $ 79 . 00 for delivery . I ask if I could I have a different installer ? No , Bubba covers our area . But she suggeests I come in and rent their truck for $ 20 . 00 per hour and pick it up myself . After explaining again that I was unable to drive , I finally aked for a supervisor . Guess what ? Maybe it was better to have it delivered than lose the sale , because the door was delivered - at no charge . The contractor was scheduled to come yesterday between 8 and noon to install the door . At 12 : 30 I call and was told he was ' running behind ' and would be out between 2 : 00 - 4 : 00 PM . At 4 : 30 he calls and said it would be closDarcie After a couple of months of new vision tests and studies at UC Davis , I finally received my prism glasses . The difference they make in my vision is nothing short of amazing . I was trying not to get too excited during the long two week wait from the time they were fitted to when they arrived at my doorstep . The doctor said they may even help with my balance - but they would take some time to get used to wearing . Since my stroke , my vision has been getting progressively worse . It was like the end scene of a cartoon where the screen narrows in a circle until it is completely black . Complete tunnel vision . There isn 't a problem with the health of my eyes , but rather , the way my brain encodes the information the eyes see . If it wasn 't for Bailey , I would not have been able to even get around . Now , the possibility that I might be able to get around without her is astounding to me . I am trying not to get ahead of myself but after wearing them for most of the day , I am so thankful and happy - I am walking around the house with a silly smile on my face ! The dogs think I am nuts , I keep getting up and walking around , inside outside , at the computer , at the sink . I could even drive again ! One of the strangest residuals from my stroke is having difficulty talking on the phone . The issue is the trouble connecting the voice with the person ; unless I talk with them frequently . Maybe it is because I lack the visual cue of seeing the other party . There was a commercial a while back about a lady that felt like her head was a balloon drifting away from her body with headache or cold . That is a good visual for how the voices sound - disconnected from an identifiable person and floating around without context . It is so frustrating not be able to make routine business calls . I know what I want , and how to say it , but when I get on the phone and reach the endless options of push one if you have your account number , push 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , etc . , I get so frustrated I am near tears . If I am successful in getting a real person , I am already so flustered , I have trouble articulating what I want to say . Plus , the voice on the other end is floating and doesn 't seem real to me . I have always been the one to make the phones calls and deal with the household business . But now I ask Jim to make calls and then tell him what I want him to say - because I usually have the background information . I know this makes him crazy as he knows it takes longer for me to give him the background information then to just make the call myself . But somehow , once I get on the phone , the floating voices makes my brain shut down . Intellectually , this is all very stupid . I can sit here calmly and think about what goes on in my head during a phone call . It would be nice if I could transfer that and not sound like a babbling idiot on the phone . |
In January of ' 09 , while we were making the decision whether or not Charlie should have the surgery , my 95 - year - old Baba ( grandmother ) , was debating whether to undergo laser eye surgery . While we were at lunch one day in the Forest Hill Village , she told me how her friends , who were mostly younger than her by a decade , were making such a " stink " about her upcoming surgery . They were saying things like , " Tillie you 're 95 , haven 't you SEEN enough ? " My Baba , who could easily pass for 75 , and was in better physical shape than most people I know , explained to them that she didn 't feel the need to sit around losing her eyesight , when modern day technology could fix it . She was still driving , going to movies , and reading books . These were all things that you needed your sight for . " If I were you , I wouldn 't even think twice about it , " I told her . Even though the surgery was risky due to my Baba 's age , the rest of my family agreed that she should have it done . My Baba ended up having the surgery and it went perfectly . She had recovered by the next day , and went to see a movie , a few days later . About a week later when I was on the phone with my friend from " The Centre , " stressing about Charlie and still unable to decide if he should have his surgery , my friend turned my attention back to my Baba . " I don 't mean to point out the obvious , " he said , " however , you guys are all freaking out about Charlie going under anesthetic , yet you were so gung ho on your 95 - year - old grandmother going under . " I laughed . My God , this guy was good . He continued , I presented that argument to my parents , and the next day the appointment for Charlie was made . " Charlie seriously owes me one , " my friend at " The Centre " said , when I told him we were going ahead with the surgery . " I saved his life . " My mother and I took Charlie back to Oakville to have his surgery , and once again when the technician came out to get him , I cried handing him over . We had been told that if Charlie made it through the surgery , his recovery would be slow . Since he was an older dog , it would take longer , but we should see improvement within a few weeks . The vet called later to say that the surgery had gone well and Charlie was recovering in ICU . He would need to stay in the hospital for at least three or four days , so that they could monitor him closely . Relieved that Charlie had made it through , I went about my day with a little more ease . The next morning my mother received another phone call from the vet , telling her that she could come pick up Charlie . He was ready to go home . " What ? ? ? What do you mean he 's ready ? " I asked my mother , when she called to say she was on her way to get him . It hadn 't even been 24 hours yet . Wasn 't he groggy and weak like they said he would be ? My mother said they had told her Charlie was doing great and clearly did not want to be in the cage anymore . He wanted to go home . They also asked what in the world she feeds him that he has so much strength ? She listed off his food , but I knew it was the wheatgrass . If I knew 16 years ago what I know now , I probably would have named him Popeye . A couple hours later , Charlie walked into my parent 's house , or should I say ran into my parent 's house . In a million years you would never have guessed that he was the same dog that I had carried out 24 hours earlier . " They said that he needs to be kept quiet , " my mother said , as Charlie chased Molly , my youngest Lhasa , down the hall . It was unbelievable , like magic . It 's now been almost a year since Charlie had surgery . Unfortunately , over the summer he developed arthritis in his back legs , and his movement has been deteriorating ever since . People say that a dog will somehow let you know when he 's ready to give up , or when it 's time . A month ago , after feeling totally exhausted from being up with him all night , for three nights in a row , I looked Charlie in his eyes to see if I could find that answer . Was it time for both of us to give up ? However , that night he happened to sleep through it , and by morning was back to his lively , happy , self . " It 's almost like he can sense that you 're about to pull the plug on him , so he tricks you into thinking he 's fine , " my friend at " The Centre " said . It was true , every time I thought the Charlie - party was ending , he would make a bigger comeback than Britney Spears . It was at that point , that I decided that I would know when Charlie was ready to go . It would be if he stopped eating , stopped wagging his tail , and no longer showed interest in Molly and Lucy . So far that has not happened . His vet , Dr . Krebs from the Willowdale Animal Hospital , said that Charlie wasn 't sleeping well because older dogs get confused and disoriented at night . She gave me a low dose of Valium to give him half an hour before he goes to sleep . I kid you not , when I say that the friggen pill had no effect on him , whatsoever . He must be the only creature on earth that is immune to Valium ! As well as getting him on a good sleep pattern , we also needed to try and get him to start walking better . According to Dr . Miller at the VEC , who you will later hear more about in regards to Lucy , Charlie was a good candidate for physiotherapy . He referred Charlie next door at the ARC Rehabilitation Services . My dog was going to get to go to physio , while I can barely afford an effing massage . Within no time , they had Charlie walking on the treadmill , in water . Currently he 's had three sessions and each time I 'm amazed not only at his progress , but how much he enjoys the session . It 's like watching a puppy playing . Last time I was there , his physiotherapist , Delita , told me how amazed she is by Charlie 's improvement . She said that his willingness to fight is a very a special quality . She thinks there 's hope that he will keep showing improvement . I am completely aware of how fortunate I have been to have this extraordinary spirit in my life for the past 16 years . Sometimes I believe that Charlie toughed it out this year because he knew how much I needed him to stick around for me . Although 2009 has taken a huge toll on my own spirit , through Charlie I have found the strength to never give up . You see , it doesn 't really matter where your inspiration comes from , as long as you have the courage to find it . Every time I look at Charlie or hug him , I know that I have to keep letting him fight the fight because he loves his life and is not ready to quit . I 'm realistic that he won 't last too much longer , but in the end at least I will know that I did the best I could to keep his magic alive . I know Joanne would have been proud . Love and Silver Linings There were two things that Joanne , the breeder , had made clear when I adopted Charlie . First , that she would always take her dogs back if it didn 't work out and second , that she actually preferred if we would board Charlie with her when we were out of town . She liked to still be involved in her dogs ' lives when possible . Joanne admitted to often having a hard time parting with the litters , hence why she always ended up keeping one or two from each one . This usually meant she had at least 12 - 15 dogs in her home at any given time . Her motto , there 's always room for one more , really held true . I liked knowing how well my dogs would be taken care of , so every time I went away , I would schlep up to Port Perry to leave Charlie , and eventually Lucy , at the LhasaPosa farm . It was well worth the drive to " Acton , " or so to speak . When we would go back to pick Charlie and Lucy up , Joanne would always tell us tales of the shenanigans the dogs had gotten into while we were away . One incident that happened to blow her mind and always sticks in mine , was when one day about seven of the dogs , including Charlie and Lucy , took off towards a big Church , down the road from the kennel . Joanne and her husband , John , went after them and when they finally reached the church , they realized there was a funeral going on right behind the building . Joanne felt terrible as she searched around the grounds looking for all the Lhasas . One of her neighbors happened to spot her and pointed her attention towards the front . Joanne looked and saw all of the dogs sitting quietly by the coffin . She was in such shock over how they had settled there , watching the procession , as if they had been invited guests . She told me how embarassed she had felt about the dogs interrupting the funeral , but afterwards , while John and her were gathering up all the dogs , one of the family members of the deceased came up to them to say thank you . She thought the doggy tribute to her father had been magical . Joanne smiled at her and said her life was filled with surprises , daily . We left Charlie and Lucy with Joanne and John for about five or six years , and then one day my mother called to make a plan to take them out there for Christmas break , and received the terrible news that Joanne had had a heart attack and passed away a few months earlier . John and their daughter were still running the business , but they were no longer able to board the dogs . Even as I write this , I have a lump in my throat thinking of the sadness I felt upon hearing of Joanne 's untimely death . She was such a special woman , who brought so much joy into peoples ' lives with the " He 's a remarkable dog , " the vet said . If that wasn 't foreshadowing what was to come , I don 't know what was . We decided to book the appointment for Charlie 's neck surgery . Although it was risky , due to his age and the uncertainty that the anesthetic would have on him , there was no other choice . I wanted him to be able live the rest of his life comfortably . A few weeks later , my mother took Charlie back to Oakville for his surgery . Within an hour and a half , she was home with Charlie and crying . In pre - surgery , they had discovered a large mass on Charlie 's liver . They believed it was cancer . I was devastated . At a follow up appointment for Charlie , a few days later , the vet explained that although they could not be 100 % certain if it was malignant or not , they needed to treat it like it was . The only way to know for sure would be to do a biopsy on it , however , if it was cancer , it would most likely bleed out instantly from the needle and Charlie would die . That had recently happened to the vet 's own dog . She also warned us that because of the aggressiveness of liver cancer in dogs , Charlie probably only had another six weeks to live . She said most likely he would bleed internally and die one day , without pain . Can you even imagine the anxiety I had every time I had to leave the house and think that I 'd be coming home to find my dog dead ? It was not a pleasant feeling . One of the many things Bambi had taught me a few years ago , was the health benefits that wheatgrass has on animals . She had told me that there was a man who had come up with his own blend of it , and used it to cure cancer in his wife . I immediately started ordering the blend for my dogs as a preventative . The main reason I did not believe Charlie actually had cancer was because of the many years I had been feeding him wheatgrass . Even after this dismal trip to the vet , I still believed in the wheatgrass , and upped the dosage for him . We also started taking Charlie to Rona , the naturopath vet at Secord Animal Hospital . She gave him aPosted by Recently , a friend told me that when she dies she wants to come back to this world as MY dog . Even though I 've heard it a handful of times throughout my life , I still laughed . It 's true ; my dogs receive better care than David Letterman 's assistants . I have never understood people that don 't like dogs . In fact when someone walks into a room and doesn 't get excited about a dog , I look closely at them to make sure they are not a cat . I got my first dog when I was six years old . Her name was Candy , and we named her that because she was as long as a piece of licorice . She reached her fourteenth birthday , before we had to put her down . She was too sick , had lost that glimmer in her eyes , and her will to live . Up to that point , I had never experienced a bigger tragedy . It was like losing a sibling , a child , and a best friend all at once . After that painful experience , I swore I would never get another one again . I didn 't have the strength to buy another tragedy . Their biggest fault , these darned creatures called dogs , is that they just don 't live long enough . The loneliness that I encountered in those first few months after Candy died was sadder than Mike Myers dying career . If you are a dog owner then you can understand how empty life can feel without one , no matter how fulfilled you are in other ways . In those months , I started stopping by pet stores and looking at puppies in the window . Sometimes I 'd cry , but sometimes I 'd ask to hold one , just to see if it felt right . It never did . I knew it was too soon . The first time I saw a Lhasa Apso was that following summer up at Camp Winnebago in Huntsville , Ontario . It was Visitor 's Day and one of my camper 's parents brought their new puppy up to show her . It was the first time since Candy died that I went absolutely bonkers over a dog . What was that ? An Ewok ? Gizmo , from the Gremlins ? It was the cutest thing I 'd ever seen in my life . As I lay on the grass playing with it , I looked up and asked my camper 's mother the number one question that I had : What was the breed 's lifespan ? She told me they lived to be between 15 and 18 years old , but the breeder had told her of many instances where they lived even longer . I knew my next dog was going to be a Lhasa Apso . I went home and researched Lhasa Apsos in books at the library . ( What was the Internet back then ? ) I learned that they were originally watchdogs from Tibet . They were bred in the Buddhist monasteries , and used to alert the monkMy parents came with me out to Port Perry and , upon arriving there , about fifteen Lhasa Apsos and a huge English Mastiff greeted us . The personalities these dogs had were amazing . It was as if they were little clowns . None of them looked exactly the same and their behavior was so comical that I couldn 't stop laughing . Choosing a puppy is almost like choosing a mate . In order for it to work there has to be something that instantly clicks . Let me tell you , as you will learn in future posts , I really have this dog choosing thing down to a tee … the mates ? Mmm … not so much ! I chose Charlie because , when I sat down with the litter of newborns , he was the one that puttered over to me , dropped face first in my hand , and fell asleep . Instant love . " Well that was easy , " I said . At the time Charlie was this salt and pepper color with dark black eyes . However , when I returned to pick him up a few weeks later , he had turned a chocolate brown with white paws and had these mesmerizing , bright emerald green eyes . " I don 't think this is Charlie , " I said to Joanne . She laughed and said that Lhasa Apsos change colors often , and he may turn many shades throughout his life . It 's part of what makes them so unique . She also told me that this dog was different from ones she had seen recently . His eyes were a very rare color and only once in a while did she see eyes in one of her pups that were so human like . It was almost as if you could see his soul through them . " This dog is going to be a fighter , you 'll see , " Joanne said . Over the past two years , no words have ever rang truer for me than those . Charlie is now almost sixteen years old , and tomorrow you will read about a story of strength and a will to live that I have never seen . This past year the amount of dog nar that I have had , has been out of control . My friends and family will attest to that . I will start with the story of Charlie , who a year and a half ago was given a medical prognosis of six weeks to live . Later on , as I continue to document my hellish year through my writing , you will also learn about the miracle of my other two Lhasa Apsos , Lucy and Molly . For now sit tight , and never let a day go by without appreciating the unconditional love of dogs , as they could be role models to all of us . During those wee hours of the morning , I lay in bed unable to sleep . I couldn 't stop thinking about that damn pill that I gave away at the party . My friend , who was probably sound asleep in her bed and anxiety free , was going to owe me big time . Finally , after puking twice , I managed to fall asleep with all three of my dogs lying in my bed . By morning the snow had stopped . I was up at 8 : 30 , but I couldn 't even go out to get a friggen coffee from Starbucks since my car was still at my friend 's condo , downtown . As soon as the clock hit 10 : 00 , I called my friend at " The Centre . " Seeing that it was my number on caller ID , he immediately tried to tell me something about his night . I interrupted him immediately . " Save it , because whatever you have to tell me is not going to Trump this , " I said . He let me speak . I immediately started bawling my eyes out , barely able to tell the story . First , I cried over my friends , who didn 't try and stop me from getting into K 's car . Next , I cried over not stopping myself from getting into K 's car . Finally , I cried over how guilty I felt for thinking that K was going to kill me , when it turned out he had stepped up to the plate like no one else ever had in my life . Right away , my friend at " The Centre " told me to stop crying about my friends . He said that at " The Centre " we don 't cry over people that don 't cry over us . So just stop . I still cried . Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! I stopped . Then I started again . No , stop ! I stopped . He told me to focus on how fortunate I am . He said this was the greatest Christmas story he 'd ever heard in his life . Better than anything he 'd ever seen on the big screen or TV . He told me that K had saved my Christmas ! " But I 'm Jewish , " I said . Whatever , that was only a minor detail in the grand scheme of things , my friend at " The Centre " told me . He was so excited to hear about everything K and I had talked about in the car . With great enthusiasm , I told him what I could remember about the conversation . " Oh and get this ! K is such a mensch , that after he dropped me off , he went to help a friend plow driveways , " I said , as if I was bragging about my own son . My friend at " The Centre " was especially interested about K being a personal trainer . He asked if I got any good workout tips from him ? " Of course not , " I laughed . " I thought the only exercise I 'd ever be doing again was in physio , for all my broken bones . " I told my friend that I was planning to buy K a Christmas present and we talked about things he might like . Then suddenly , my friend at " The Centre , " came up with what he thought I should write in the card . " Dear K . I hope you have a Merry Christmas , and p . s . thank you for not raping or killing me ! " That was how the laughter really started . I mean , because what it came down to was I had been extremely stupid . Getting into a stranger 's car was probably the most foolish thing I 'd ever done in my life . In most cases , all odds would have pointed to something terrible happening to me . You are so fucking lucky is what my friend at " The Centre " told me over and over . He said I had the most unbelievable luck in the world and that 's all it was , luck , just like the lottery . One in a billion win . I happened to win that night . He was very insistent that I keep in touch with K . He said he was even jealous of me now that I had my own personal bodyguard . I could call him whenever I wanted to get into a club , or if I needed any kind of help . He 'd probably give me free training sessions if I asked … I mean who in the world gets that sort of treatment from their kidnapper and rapist ? My friend at " The Centre " did an excellent job in helping me find the silver lining in all this and I hope he knows how much I appreciated it . Later that day I spoke to my friend the Naturopath doctor , Dr . Regan T . ( click here to book an appointment . ) After I told Dr . Regan T the story , she said she was going to call around to some of her friends from the " club scene . " She wanted to find out if anyone knew K . After all , he now knew where I lived and she wanted to make sure I would be safe . There 's something you should know about Dr . Regan T . Not only is she a fabulous Naturopath doctor ( click here if you happened to miss the link above ) , but she is fast and she is GOOD at getting the 411 on anything . I 've never known her to not be able to complete a mission . Within five minutes I received a text from her . " My friend knows K . He said he 's a great guy . " I sighed with relief . Thank God ! Not only did someone know him , but that person also thought K was great . It was completely crazy that Dr . Regan T was able to track down someone that knew him . I mean what are the chances ? Just as I was about to text her back , the humor in all this hit me and I started cracking up . I called her instead of texting . " Well OBVIOUSLY he 's a great guy , " I said , laughing . " I think I could be the reference for him on that one . " To this day , we still laugh over the urgency we had to find someone to confirm he was " great . " The next day , I texted K . It had now been over 24hours since the incident and I wanted to thank him and see how he was doing . He texted me back : " Don 't be silly . You don 't need to thank me . I should be the one thanking you for trusting me . It really meant a lot . " Gulp ! Was this guy for real ? He was grateful to me for trusting him ? Had he not sensed that I was a crazy , racist , non - trusting , filled with fear , psycho bitch ? I made another call to my friend at " The Centre . " He was speechless and strongly encouraged me to go and get my prescription filled . This situation could no longer be deciphered in my natural state . A couple days after Christmas , I stopped by Best Buy to pick up a gift card for K . I planned on taking it down to the club where he worked , to give it to him later on that evening , when the doors opened . I even had to turn down some of my friends who wanted to come with me so they could meet him , because I didn 't want K being hounded by his fan club . However , that didn 't stop my brother . As I was getting ready to go down to the club , my brother called to tell me not to bother going . He said he had taken the liberty to go over to the club himself because he also wanted to thank K . When he got there , another doorman told him that K no longer worked there anymore . Confused , I immediately texted K and asked what was up . He texted me back saying that he had quit his job to pursue full time personal training . He said that he had been so inspired by me on the ride home . He thought it was amazing that I had so bravely followed my dream and written a book . He said that he had felt stuck in that club world for too long and that my encouraging words had really helped him turn his life around . My faith in him was exactly the kick in the ass he needed to get on with his life . He was impressed by how chilled I was and that I really had my shit together . He ended it with , " I 'm so glad that we are friends now and hey , If you ever want any personal training sessions , let me know . I 'll give you some for free ! " So there it was , the conversation I couldn 't remember . In it , I had boosted his confidence to pursue a better career path , yet at the same time was thinking he was going to pull out a gun and shoot me at any moment . The way K had perceived that car ride and the way I did were completely different . I got out of that black SUV a complete disaster , feeling lucky to be alive . K drove home feeling so inspired by me that he quit his job and stepped up his life a few notches . Believe me , I couldn 't make this up if I tried . Life is just funny sometimes ! Thanks for reading and please learn from my mistake . Don 't EVER get into a car with a stranger . Unfortunately , there are not enough happy endings in these situations . I know how fortunate I was and am forever grateful for it . Love and Silver Linings As soon as the doors locked I knew I had made a huge mistake . Knowing I was trapped , I felt a wave of panic rush through me . I quickly searched through my purse for my ativan , remembering that I had given my last one to a girl friend , who was having a " crisis , " at the party . When I rehashed this story later on to my friend at " The Centre , " he actually scolded me by saying that no one gives away his or her LAST ativan , and that was even a bigger mistake than getting into the car . The stranger stopped the car at the red light and waited . The whole Paul Bernardo / Karla Homolka incident flashed through my memory for a few seconds , but my thoughts were interrupted when he asked me my name . " Andrea , " I said , with some hesitation . He told me his name was K . The light turned green but he didn 't move . I notice a small tube of hand lotion sitting in the cup holder beside me and hoped he wasn 't going to make me moisturize , " Silence of the Lambs " - style . " Is everything okay ? " I asked . He laughed and said that since I hadn 't told him where I live , he didn 't know where we were going . " You could just drive up Bathurst , " I suggested . He told me he knew a quicker way where he could avoid the icy hills . I stared out the window . I was thinking that if I just unlocked the door and jumped , I probably wouldn 't get too hurt . Since there was so much snow , I wouldn 't break that many bones . Plus , there were no cars around to hit me once I landed . As I was practicing the jump a few times in my head , K broke my focus by asking what I do for a living . I told him that I was a teacher on movie sets and then went on to explain what that was . I went on and gave him my whole sob story about how I was unhappy in the schools and this great opportunity came along . I thought this would make me seem more human to him . I also told K that I 'm an author . " My book is at Indigo and I did a lot of press for it . " He took his eyes off the road and stared at me for a moment . I imagined he was seeing a big steak in place of my head , like Wile E . Coyote did when he looked at the Road Runner . However , instead of clobbering me and making me his next meal , he told me he was pretty sure he had seen me on Entertainment Tonight Canada , and that was why I looked so familiar . I was shocked at his discovery . K turned onto the Don Valley and headed north . The snow was still coming down hard and the SUV was sliding back and forth in the lane . Just then K 's cell phone rang . " Shit , you still need me tonight ? " he asked the caller . He looked over at me , staring back at him . " Yeah I 'll be there . I just need to take care of something first . " Take care of something ? I looked at the screen on my own phone . Why hadn 't my friends called to check up on my yet ? Weren 't they worried at all ? Had they tried calling , but I had no reception ? I was freaking out inside and tried to take my mind off my inevitable death . I had no intention of giving K the impression that I was terrified . " So what else do you do , besides work at the club ? " I asked . K told me he was trying to move away from the whole club scene and was interested in becoming a full time personal trainer . He asked my opinion . Without a delay , I blurted out , " You should do it ! " Those were the last words I remembered about that particular conversation . Even though I remembered babbling away about following your dreams and bla bla bla , I got distracted when K reached into his pocket to pull something out . I thought it was going to be a gun . It was gum . He offered me a piece . I started to change my mind about K . Could he just be a nice guy that had come to my rescue on this snowy night ? We finally reached the 401 and headed west towards home . I sighed . K turned to me and admitted to me that if I hadn 't been so pretty , he probably wouldn 't have offered me a lift . That 's when I realized I had been so focused on him killing me ; I hadn 't even considered the possibility of getting raped . " Oh come on . You 're just saying that . You would have helped anyone in my situation . Right ? " I asked , laughing off his comment . He shrugged his shoulders and said maybe . As we passed the Leslie exit , K 's phone rang again . Same friend . He told him again that he would be there soon . " So where are you going after you take me home ? " I asked . K told me his friend had a snow plowing business and he needed help tonight because of how bad people 's driveways were . He was supposed to go there right after work , but now he was really late . I started apologizing , feeling guilty that I was making my future rapist late for work . Suddenly , K passed the Avenue Road exit . " You were supposed to get off there ! " I said , pointing to my neighborhood and freaking out . He apologized . He said he was busy thinking about our conversation a few minutes ago . I had no idea what conversation he was talking about . At this point I was so traumatized , I could barely remember how many children the Octomom had just given birth to . I directed him to my house from the Allen Road , going through all the side streets . We finally ended up in front of my house and I sat there paralyzed . I was unsure what to do . Cry ? Laugh ? Count my blessings ? I sat there thanking K over and over . He told me it was his pleasure and felt like he was the one who should be thanking me . Huh ? More confusion . He said for me to put his number in my phone and that maybe we could go for lunch one day . " I would love to ! " I said , excitedly punching his number into my cell . Was I the same psycho , who five minutes ago thought I would never eat lunch again ? I leaned over and gave K a huge hug goodbye . I felt my eyes tearing up as I realized this had been luckiest night of my life . As I got out of the car his last words to me were , " Andrea , if you ever need anything , you just call me . " I smiled . We had entered the car as strangers , but we were leaving as friends . ( Please stay tuned for the conclusion of this story . It is VERY special . Includes : the reaction of " The Centre , " The conversation with K that I did not remember having , and how I learned to laugh through this . I will post it tomorrow ) Posted by " Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends . " - - - - - - Shirley MacLaine Through the media , we are constantly instilled with the fear that strangers want to kill us . As children we believe that strangers are grotesque figures who want to lure us with candy and lock us in a tower . As we get older we learn to use our own discretion in figuring out the good strangers from the bad strangers . We take risks everyday speaking to these dangerous people who want to kill us . I was never one to follow the rule " don 't talk to strangers . " Sure my parents , like everyone else 's , tried to drill it into my head more times than Tiger Woods has cheated on his wife , but it just never stuck . In fact , I thought it was insane to walk around fearing other people just because I didn 't know them . How would things ever progress if we never spoke to anyone outside of our immediate circle of acquaintances ? So as someone who prides myself on trusting the right people , I have never discriminated against anyone new that I randomly meet . However , it is exactly a year ago that my faith and intuition were deeply challenged . Last year over Christmas vacation a close friend of mine from LA was in for a few days . I was excited to go with him and two other guy friends to a party at Bread and Circus , in Kensington Market . Now , if you happened to be in Toronto last winter , you will probably remember the excessive amount of snowstorms that fell in December . This was a particularly snowy night . I had volunteered to be the designated driver because I needed to be home by a certain time to give my oldest dog , Charlie , medication . My parents were on their usual three - week December holiday , and I was staying at their house taking care of my dogs . I would be lying if I told you that I did not drink at that party , because I did . After an awkward run in with " The LifeSucker , " who you will learn more about in later postings , I had a couple of drinks with my friends . By the time we returned to my car , a few hours later , I was sober enough to drive . It was around one in the morning and the snow was falling lightly , as we drove back to my friend 's condo . Once there , he invited me in to play a game of poker with the other guys , before I headed home . Without hesitation , I parked my car in the back alley behind his condo and joined them upstairs . For reasons that you will never know , we lost track of time and suddenly it was 3am . Noticing the snow coming down hard , I quickly grabbed my stuff , said goodbye to my friends , and rushed out the door . All I could think of was that I had to get home to Charlie . Once outside , the wind hit me in the face harder than " Jon and Kate Plus 8 's " breakup . Other than a black SUV parked beside me , there was not another car or person in sight . I quickly cleared the snow off my car while it was warming up inside . When I was ready to go , I put the car in reverse and proceeded to leave . However , my car would not move . I seemed to be stuck on something and my wheels spun every time I gave it gas . I tried rocking it out of the spot by moving my gear back and forth from reverse to drive . After fifteen minutes , when the car had still not budged an inch , I started to panic . Suddenly out of my passenger window I saw a large guy come running through the alley to the SUV beside me . I watched him clear off his car , and his dreadlocks turned quickly from black to white , as the snow fell heavily on his head . As he was about to get into his car , I realized he might be my only hope and quickly rolled down my window . " Hey , could you help me ? " I shouted . He came over and asked what was wrong . I told him that I was stuck and desperately needed to get home . He went and stood at the front of my car and tried to direct me out of the spot , t " Thanks , but I will just call my friends upstairs to come down and help , " I said . Within a few minutes two of my friends were downstairs and we all tried pushing . My tires continued to spin . The man told my friends about his offer to drive me home . " It 's okay , I will take a cab , " I said , interrupting him . My friends encouraged me to take the lift . Besides , where would I find a cab at this hour and in this awful weather ? I stood there for a moment looking at my guy friends . They were cold and wanted to go inside . I just wanted to get home . The guy assured us I 'd be safe . He tried to make himself sound more like a civilian by telling us he was a bouncer at a club down the road , however , it never occurred to any of us that he never told us his name . I finally realized it was up to me to make this decision , and I needed to do it quickly . I said goodbye to my friends and got into the car with this stranger , every parent 's biggest fear . I had no idea I was about to embark on a life changing journey . ( To be continued on Monday ) We have almost reached the final curtain of 2009 and let me ring it out by saying , " See ya later , you big jerk ! " As 2009 opened , millions of people worldwide saw their dreams come true when Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States . Even as a Canadian , I was ecstatic upon hearing the news that he had won . Hope and change were in the air , as well as the promise of making a fresh new start towards rebuilding our lives . For most people , myself included , the possibilities of being released from our traps through Obama 's message seemed endless . However , for me it quickly turned into a year of living dangerously . I 've started this blog because although I have had one of the most unpleasant years of my life , it has also been an enormous eye opener . The stories I have to tell are so outrageous that even as a writer I couldn 't have made them up if I tried . A close friend has been encouraging me for months to write a blog about my struggles and how I learned to turn negatives into positives , but I have been hesitant because I felt like it would be hard to have to relive things that happened . However , I 've finally decided to take the plunge . I am going full force to document the mixed - up incidents of 2009 because as nutty as things got , I learned how to tough it out by finding the silver lining each time I was knocked down . Next week I will write about the first event that started off my year from hell , but first I wanted to share with you my most valuable ingredient that got me through the year . It is what kept me from jumping head first into the Don River , other than the fact that I never would have drowned since I could almost double for Dara Torres these days . So how did I make it through 2009 in one piece ? Laughter . It 's the truth . I will never again underestimate the power of laughing . I had no idea how much humor can be found in bad situations . You probably don 't realize it either . Trust me it is there , and if you can 't find it , then it is crucial to surround yourself with peoSee you next week ! By day and often night , I work in the film industry in Toronto , Canada as an on - set teacher for child actors . I love my job and appreciate how lucky I am to be able to say that . I am also a writer and have two published books : " StarSitter " and the sequel " StarSitter : Thank God for You . " I am also in the midst of writing two screenplays and a third novel " StarSitter Goes to Japan . " When I 'm asked for advice about writing , I always encourage both kids and adults to start by drawing from their own experiences . Many people don 't realize they have stories worth telling . The past few years have not been easy for me as I have been constantly trying to pick myself up after suffering some big blows in my life . It has taught me how fragile life is and how in an instant your whole world can change , even for those who seem to be sailing through smoothly . My mission is to try and continue to find the silver linings within all the bad times I have experienced . I hope you will be inspired . |
In January of ' 09 , while we were making the decision whether or not Charlie should have the surgery , my 95 - year - old Baba ( grandmother ) , was debating whether to undergo laser eye surgery . While we were at lunch one day in the Forest Hill Village , she told me how her friends , who were mostly younger than her by a decade , were making such a " stink " about her upcoming surgery . They were saying things like , " Tillie you 're 95 , haven 't you SEEN enough ? " My Baba , who could easily pass for 75 , and was in better physical shape than most people I know , explained to them that she didn 't feel the need to sit around losing her eyesight , when modern day technology could fix it . She was still driving , going to movies , and reading books . These were all things that you needed your sight for . " If I were you , I wouldn 't even think twice about it , " I told her . Even though the surgery was risky due to my Baba 's age , the rest of my family agreed that she should have it done . My Baba ended up having the surgery and it went perfectly . She had recovered by the next day , and went to see a movie , a few days later . About a week later when I was on the phone with my friend from " The Centre , " stressing about Charlie and still unable to decide if he should have his surgery , my friend turned my attention back to my Baba . " I don 't mean to point out the obvious , " he said , " however , you guys are all freaking out about Charlie going under anesthetic , yet you were so gung ho on your 95 - year - old grandmother going under . " I laughed . My God , this guy was good . He continued , I presented that argument to my parents , and the next day the appointment for Charlie was made . " Charlie seriously owes me one , " my friend at " The Centre " said , when I told him we were going ahead with the surgery . " I saved his life . " My mother and I took Charlie back to Oakville to have his surgery , and once again when the technician came out to get him , I cried handing him over . We had been told that if Charlie made it through the surgery , his recovery would be slow . Since he was an older dog , it would take longer , but we should see improvement within a few weeks . The vet called later to say that the surgery had gone well and Charlie was recovering in ICU . He would need to stay in the hospital for at least three or four days , so that they could monitor him closely . Relieved that Charlie had made it through , I went about my day with a little more ease . The next morning my mother received another phone call from the vet , telling her that she could come pick up Charlie . He was ready to go home . " What ? ? ? What do you mean he 's ready ? " I asked my mother , when she called to say she was on her way to get him . It hadn 't even been 24 hours yet . Wasn 't he groggy and weak like they said he would be ? My mother said they had told her Charlie was doing great and clearly did not want to be in the cage anymore . He wanted to go home . They also asked what in the world she feeds him that he has so much strength ? She listed off his food , but I knew it was the wheatgrass . If I knew 16 years ago what I know now , I probably would have named him Popeye . A couple hours later , Charlie walked into my parent 's house , or should I say ran into my parent 's house . In a million years you would never have guessed that he was the same dog that I had carried out 24 hours earlier . " They said that he needs to be kept quiet , " my mother said , as Charlie chased Molly , my youngest Lhasa , down the hall . It was unbelievable , like magic . It 's now been almost a year since Charlie had surgery . Unfortunately , over the summer he developed arthritis in his back legs , and his movement has been deteriorating ever since . People say that a dog will somehow let you know when he 's ready to give up , or when it 's time . A month ago , after feeling totally exhausted from being up with him all night , for three nights in a row , I looked Charlie in his eyes to see if I could find that answer . Was it time for both of us to give up ? However , that night he happened to sleep through it , and by morning was back to his lively , happy , self . " It 's almost like he can sense that you 're about to pull the plug on him , so he tricks you into thinking he 's fine , " my friend at " The Centre " said . It was true , every time I thought the Charlie - party was ending , he would make a bigger comeback than Britney Spears . It was at that point , that I decided that I would know when Charlie was ready to go . It would be if he stopped eating , stopped wagging his tail , and no longer showed interest in Molly and Lucy . So far that has not happened . His vet , Dr . Krebs from the Willowdale Animal Hospital , said that Charlie wasn 't sleeping well because older dogs get confused and disoriented at night . She gave me a low dose of Valium to give him half an hour before he goes to sleep . I kid you not , when I say that the friggen pill had no effect on him , whatsoever . He must be the only creature on earth that is immune to Valium ! As well as getting him on a good sleep pattern , we also needed to try and get him to start walking better . According to Dr . Miller at the VEC , who you will later hear more about in regards to Lucy , Charlie was a good candidate for physiotherapy . He referred Charlie next door at the ARC Rehabilitation Services . My dog was going to get to go to physio , while I can barely afford an effing massage . Within no time , they had Charlie walking on the treadmill , in water . Currently he 's had three sessions and each time I 'm amazed not only at his progress , but how much he enjoys the session . It 's like watching a puppy playing . Last time I was there , his physiotherapist , Delita , told me how amazed she is by Charlie 's improvement . She said that his willingness to fight is a very a special quality . She thinks there 's hope that he will keep showing improvement . I am completely aware of how fortunate I have been to have this extraordinary spirit in my life for the past 16 years . Sometimes I believe that Charlie toughed it out this year because he knew how much I needed him to stick around for me . Although 2009 has taken a huge toll on my own spirit , through Charlie I have found the strength to never give up . You see , it doesn 't really matter where your inspiration comes from , as long as you have the courage to find it . Every time I look at Charlie or hug him , I know that I have to keep letting him fight the fight because he loves his life and is not ready to quit . I 'm realistic that he won 't last too much longer , but in the end at least I will know that I did the best I could to keep his magic alive . I know Joanne would have been proud . Love and Silver Linings There were two things that Joanne , the breeder , had made clear when I adopted Charlie . First , that she would always take her dogs back if it didn 't work out and second , that she actually preferred if we would board Charlie with her when we were out of town . She liked to still be involved in her dogs ' lives when possible . Joanne admitted to often having a hard time parting with the litters , hence why she always ended up keeping one or two from each one . This usually meant she had at least 12 - 15 dogs in her home at any given time . Her motto , there 's always room for one more , really held true . I liked knowing how well my dogs would be taken care of , so every time I went away , I would schlep up to Port Perry to leave Charlie , and eventually Lucy , at the LhasaPosa farm . It was well worth the drive to " Acton , " or so to speak . When we would go back to pick Charlie and Lucy up , Joanne would always tell us tales of the shenanigans the dogs had gotten into while we were away . One incident that happened to blow her mind and always sticks in mine , was when one day about seven of the dogs , including Charlie and Lucy , took off towards a big Church , down the road from the kennel . Joanne and her husband , John , went after them and when they finally reached the church , they realized there was a funeral going on right behind the building . Joanne felt terrible as she searched around the grounds looking for all the Lhasas . One of her neighbors happened to spot her and pointed her attention towards the front . Joanne looked and saw all of the dogs sitting quietly by the coffin . She was in such shock over how they had settled there , watching the procession , as if they had been invited guests . She told me how embarassed she had felt about the dogs interrupting the funeral , but afterwards , while John and her were gathering up all the dogs , one of the family members of the deceased came up to them to say thank you . She thought the doggy tribute to her father had been magical . Joanne smiled at her and said her life was filled with surprises , daily . We left Charlie and Lucy with Joanne and John for about five or six years , and then one day my mother called to make a plan to take them out there for Christmas break , and received the terrible news that Joanne had had a heart attack and passed away a few months earlier . John and their daughter were still running the business , but they were no longer able to board the dogs . Even as I write this , I have a lump in my throat thinking of the sadness I felt upon hearing of Joanne 's untimely death . She was such a special woman , who brought so much joy into peoples ' lives with the " He 's a remarkable dog , " the vet said . If that wasn 't foreshadowing what was to come , I don 't know what was . We decided to book the appointment for Charlie 's neck surgery . Although it was risky , due to his age and the uncertainty that the anesthetic would have on him , there was no other choice . I wanted him to be able live the rest of his life comfortably . A few weeks later , my mother took Charlie back to Oakville for his surgery . Within an hour and a half , she was home with Charlie and crying . In pre - surgery , they had discovered a large mass on Charlie 's liver . They believed it was cancer . I was devastated . At a follow up appointment for Charlie , a few days later , the vet explained that although they could not be 100 % certain if it was malignant or not , they needed to treat it like it was . The only way to know for sure would be to do a biopsy on it , however , if it was cancer , it would most likely bleed out instantly from the needle and Charlie would die . That had recently happened to the vet 's own dog . She also warned us that because of the aggressiveness of liver cancer in dogs , Charlie probably only had another six weeks to live . She said most likely he would bleed internally and die one day , without pain . Can you even imagine the anxiety I had every time I had to leave the house and think that I 'd be coming home to find my dog dead ? It was not a pleasant feeling . One of the many things Bambi had taught me a few years ago , was the health benefits that wheatgrass has on animals . She had told me that there was a man who had come up with his own blend of it , and used it to cure cancer in his wife . I immediately started ordering the blend for my dogs as a preventative . The main reason I did not believe Charlie actually had cancer was because of the many years I had been feeding him wheatgrass . Even after this dismal trip to the vet , I still believed in the wheatgrass , and upped the dosage for him . We also started taking Charlie to Rona , the naturopath vet at Secord Animal Hospital . She gave him aPosted by Recently , a friend told me that when she dies she wants to come back to this world as MY dog . Even though I 've heard it a handful of times throughout my life , I still laughed . It 's true ; my dogs receive better care than David Letterman 's assistants . I have never understood people that don 't like dogs . In fact when someone walks into a room and doesn 't get excited about a dog , I look closely at them to make sure they are not a cat . I got my first dog when I was six years old . Her name was Candy , and we named her that because she was as long as a piece of licorice . She reached her fourteenth birthday , before we had to put her down . She was too sick , had lost that glimmer in her eyes , and her will to live . Up to that point , I had never experienced a bigger tragedy . It was like losing a sibling , a child , and a best friend all at once . After that painful experience , I swore I would never get another one again . I didn 't have the strength to buy another tragedy . Their biggest fault , these darned creatures called dogs , is that they just don 't live long enough . The loneliness that I encountered in those first few months after Candy died was sadder than Mike Myers dying career . If you are a dog owner then you can understand how empty life can feel without one , no matter how fulfilled you are in other ways . In those months , I started stopping by pet stores and looking at puppies in the window . Sometimes I 'd cry , but sometimes I 'd ask to hold one , just to see if it felt right . It never did . I knew it was too soon . The first time I saw a Lhasa Apso was that following summer up at Camp Winnebago in Huntsville , Ontario . It was Visitor 's Day and one of my camper 's parents brought their new puppy up to show her . It was the first time since Candy died that I went absolutely bonkers over a dog . What was that ? An Ewok ? Gizmo , from the Gremlins ? It was the cutest thing I 'd ever seen in my life . As I lay on the grass playing with it , I looked up and asked my camper 's mother the number one question that I had : What was the breed 's lifespan ? She told me they lived to be between 15 and 18 years old , but the breeder had told her of many instances where they lived even longer . I knew my next dog was going to be a Lhasa Apso . I went home and researched Lhasa Apsos in books at the library . ( What was the Internet back then ? ) I learned that they were originally watchdogs from Tibet . They were bred in the Buddhist monasteries , and used to alert the monkMy parents came with me out to Port Perry and , upon arriving there , about fifteen Lhasa Apsos and a huge English Mastiff greeted us . The personalities these dogs had were amazing . It was as if they were little clowns . None of them looked exactly the same and their behavior was so comical that I couldn 't stop laughing . Choosing a puppy is almost like choosing a mate . In order for it to work there has to be something that instantly clicks . Let me tell you , as you will learn in future posts , I really have this dog choosing thing down to a tee … the mates ? Mmm … not so much ! I chose Charlie because , when I sat down with the litter of newborns , he was the one that puttered over to me , dropped face first in my hand , and fell asleep . Instant love . " Well that was easy , " I said . At the time Charlie was this salt and pepper color with dark black eyes . However , when I returned to pick him up a few weeks later , he had turned a chocolate brown with white paws and had these mesmerizing , bright emerald green eyes . " I don 't think this is Charlie , " I said to Joanne . She laughed and said that Lhasa Apsos change colors often , and he may turn many shades throughout his life . It 's part of what makes them so unique . She also told me that this dog was different from ones she had seen recently . His eyes were a very rare color and only once in a while did she see eyes in one of her pups that were so human like . It was almost as if you could see his soul through them . " This dog is going to be a fighter , you 'll see , " Joanne said . Over the past two years , no words have ever rang truer for me than those . Charlie is now almost sixteen years old , and tomorrow you will read about a story of strength and a will to live that I have never seen . This past year the amount of dog nar that I have had , has been out of control . My friends and family will attest to that . I will start with the story of Charlie , who a year and a half ago was given a medical prognosis of six weeks to live . Later on , as I continue to document my hellish year through my writing , you will also learn about the miracle of my other two Lhasa Apsos , Lucy and Molly . For now sit tight , and never let a day go by without appreciating the unconditional love of dogs , as they could be role models to all of us . During those wee hours of the morning , I lay in bed unable to sleep . I couldn 't stop thinking about that damn pill that I gave away at the party . My friend , who was probably sound asleep in her bed and anxiety free , was going to owe me big time . Finally , after puking twice , I managed to fall asleep with all three of my dogs lying in my bed . By morning the snow had stopped . I was up at 8 : 30 , but I couldn 't even go out to get a friggen coffee from Starbucks since my car was still at my friend 's condo , downtown . As soon as the clock hit 10 : 00 , I called my friend at " The Centre . " Seeing that it was my number on caller ID , he immediately tried to tell me something about his night . I interrupted him immediately . " Save it , because whatever you have to tell me is not going to Trump this , " I said . He let me speak . I immediately started bawling my eyes out , barely able to tell the story . First , I cried over my friends , who didn 't try and stop me from getting into K 's car . Next , I cried over not stopping myself from getting into K 's car . Finally , I cried over how guilty I felt for thinking that K was going to kill me , when it turned out he had stepped up to the plate like no one else ever had in my life . Right away , my friend at " The Centre " told me to stop crying about my friends . He said that at " The Centre " we don 't cry over people that don 't cry over us . So just stop . I still cried . Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! I stopped . Then I started again . No , stop ! I stopped . He told me to focus on how fortunate I am . He said this was the greatest Christmas story he 'd ever heard in his life . Better than anything he 'd ever seen on the big screen or TV . He told me that K had saved my Christmas ! " But I 'm Jewish , " I said . Whatever , that was only a minor detail in the grand scheme of things , my friend at " The Centre " told me . He was so excited to hear about everything K and I had talked about in the car . With great enthusiasm , I told him what I could remember about the conversation . " Oh and get this ! K is such a mensch , that after he dropped me off , he went to help a friend plow driveways , " I said , as if I was bragging about my own son . My friend at " The Centre " was especially interested about K being a personal trainer . He asked if I got any good workout tips from him ? " Of course not , " I laughed . " I thought the only exercise I 'd ever be doing again was in physio , for all my broken bones . " I told my friend that I was planning to buy K a Christmas present and we talked about things he might like . Then suddenly , my friend at " The Centre , " came up with what he thought I should write in the card . " Dear K . I hope you have a Merry Christmas , and p . s . thank you for not raping or killing me ! " That was how the laughter really started . I mean , because what it came down to was I had been extremely stupid . Getting into a stranger 's car was probably the most foolish thing I 'd ever done in my life . In most cases , all odds would have pointed to something terrible happening to me . You are so fucking lucky is what my friend at " The Centre " told me over and over . He said I had the most unbelievable luck in the world and that 's all it was , luck , just like the lottery . One in a billion win . I happened to win that night . He was very insistent that I keep in touch with K . He said he was even jealous of me now that I had my own personal bodyguard . I could call him whenever I wanted to get into a club , or if I needed any kind of help . He 'd probably give me free training sessions if I asked … I mean who in the world gets that sort of treatment from their kidnapper and rapist ? My friend at " The Centre " did an excellent job in helping me find the silver lining in all this and I hope he knows how much I appreciated it . Later that day I spoke to my friend the Naturopath doctor , Dr . Regan T . ( click here to book an appointment . ) After I told Dr . Regan T the story , she said she was going to call around to some of her friends from the " club scene . " She wanted to find out if anyone knew K . After all , he now knew where I lived and she wanted to make sure I would be safe . There 's something you should know about Dr . Regan T . Not only is she a fabulous Naturopath doctor ( click here if you happened to miss the link above ) , but she is fast and she is GOOD at getting the 411 on anything . I 've never known her to not be able to complete a mission . Within five minutes I received a text from her . " My friend knows K . He said he 's a great guy . " I sighed with relief . Thank God ! Not only did someone know him , but that person also thought K was great . It was completely crazy that Dr . Regan T was able to track down someone that knew him . I mean what are the chances ? Just as I was about to text her back , the humor in all this hit me and I started cracking up . I called her instead of texting . " Well OBVIOUSLY he 's a great guy , " I said , laughing . " I think I could be the reference for him on that one . " To this day , we still laugh over the urgency we had to find someone to confirm he was " great . " The next day , I texted K . It had now been over 24hours since the incident and I wanted to thank him and see how he was doing . He texted me back : " Don 't be silly . You don 't need to thank me . I should be the one thanking you for trusting me . It really meant a lot . " Gulp ! Was this guy for real ? He was grateful to me for trusting him ? Had he not sensed that I was a crazy , racist , non - trusting , filled with fear , psycho bitch ? I made another call to my friend at " The Centre . " He was speechless and strongly encouraged me to go and get my prescription filled . This situation could no longer be deciphered in my natural state . A couple days after Christmas , I stopped by Best Buy to pick up a gift card for K . I planned on taking it down to the club where he worked , to give it to him later on that evening , when the doors opened . I even had to turn down some of my friends who wanted to come with me so they could meet him , because I didn 't want K being hounded by his fan club . However , that didn 't stop my brother . As I was getting ready to go down to the club , my brother called to tell me not to bother going . He said he had taken the liberty to go over to the club himself because he also wanted to thank K . When he got there , another doorman told him that K no longer worked there anymore . Confused , I immediately texted K and asked what was up . He texted me back saying that he had quit his job to pursue full time personal training . He said that he had been so inspired by me on the ride home . He thought it was amazing that I had so bravely followed my dream and written a book . He said that he had felt stuck in that club world for too long and that my encouraging words had really helped him turn his life around . My faith in him was exactly the kick in the ass he needed to get on with his life . He was impressed by how chilled I was and that I really had my shit together . He ended it with , " I 'm so glad that we are friends now and hey , If you ever want any personal training sessions , let me know . I 'll give you some for free ! " So there it was , the conversation I couldn 't remember . In it , I had boosted his confidence to pursue a better career path , yet at the same time was thinking he was going to pull out a gun and shoot me at any moment . The way K had perceived that car ride and the way I did were completely different . I got out of that black SUV a complete disaster , feeling lucky to be alive . K drove home feeling so inspired by me that he quit his job and stepped up his life a few notches . Believe me , I couldn 't make this up if I tried . Life is just funny sometimes ! Thanks for reading and please learn from my mistake . Don 't EVER get into a car with a stranger . Unfortunately , there are not enough happy endings in these situations . I know how fortunate I was and am forever grateful for it . Love and Silver Linings As soon as the doors locked I knew I had made a huge mistake . Knowing I was trapped , I felt a wave of panic rush through me . I quickly searched through my purse for my ativan , remembering that I had given my last one to a girl friend , who was having a " crisis , " at the party . When I rehashed this story later on to my friend at " The Centre , " he actually scolded me by saying that no one gives away his or her LAST ativan , and that was even a bigger mistake than getting into the car . The stranger stopped the car at the red light and waited . The whole Paul Bernardo / Karla Homolka incident flashed through my memory for a few seconds , but my thoughts were interrupted when he asked me my name . " Andrea , " I said , with some hesitation . He told me his name was K . The light turned green but he didn 't move . I notice a small tube of hand lotion sitting in the cup holder beside me and hoped he wasn 't going to make me moisturize , " Silence of the Lambs " - style . " Is everything okay ? " I asked . He laughed and said that since I hadn 't told him where I live , he didn 't know where we were going . " You could just drive up Bathurst , " I suggested . He told me he knew a quicker way where he could avoid the icy hills . I stared out the window . I was thinking that if I just unlocked the door and jumped , I probably wouldn 't get too hurt . Since there was so much snow , I wouldn 't break that many bones . Plus , there were no cars around to hit me once I landed . As I was practicing the jump a few times in my head , K broke my focus by asking what I do for a living . I told him that I was a teacher on movie sets and then went on to explain what that was . I went on and gave him my whole sob story about how I was unhappy in the schools and this great opportunity came along . I thought this would make me seem more human to him . I also told K that I 'm an author . " My book is at Indigo and I did a lot of press for it . " He took his eyes off the road and stared at me for a moment . I imagined he was seeing a big steak in place of my head , like Wile E . Coyote did when he looked at the Road Runner . However , instead of clobbering me and making me his next meal , he told me he was pretty sure he had seen me on Entertainment Tonight Canada , and that was why I looked so familiar . I was shocked at his discovery . K turned onto the Don Valley and headed north . The snow was still coming down hard and the SUV was sliding back and forth in the lane . Just then K 's cell phone rang . " Shit , you still need me tonight ? " he asked the caller . He looked over at me , staring back at him . " Yeah I 'll be there . I just need to take care of something first . " Take care of something ? I looked at the screen on my own phone . Why hadn 't my friends called to check up on my yet ? Weren 't they worried at all ? Had they tried calling , but I had no reception ? I was freaking out inside and tried to take my mind off my inevitable death . I had no intention of giving K the impression that I was terrified . " So what else do you do , besides work at the club ? " I asked . K told me he was trying to move away from the whole club scene and was interested in becoming a full time personal trainer . He asked my opinion . Without a delay , I blurted out , " You should do it ! " Those were the last words I remembered about that particular conversation . Even though I remembered babbling away about following your dreams and bla bla bla , I got distracted when K reached into his pocket to pull something out . I thought it was going to be a gun . It was gum . He offered me a piece . I started to change my mind about K . Could he just be a nice guy that had come to my rescue on this snowy night ? We finally reached the 401 and headed west towards home . I sighed . K turned to me and admitted to me that if I hadn 't been so pretty , he probably wouldn 't have offered me a lift . That 's when I realized I had been so focused on him killing me ; I hadn 't even considered the possibility of getting raped . " Oh come on . You 're just saying that . You would have helped anyone in my situation . Right ? " I asked , laughing off his comment . He shrugged his shoulders and said maybe . As we passed the Leslie exit , K 's phone rang again . Same friend . He told him again that he would be there soon . " So where are you going after you take me home ? " I asked . K told me his friend had a snow plowing business and he needed help tonight because of how bad people 's driveways were . He was supposed to go there right after work , but now he was really late . I started apologizing , feeling guilty that I was making my future rapist late for work . Suddenly , K passed the Avenue Road exit . " You were supposed to get off there ! " I said , pointing to my neighborhood and freaking out . He apologized . He said he was busy thinking about our conversation a few minutes ago . I had no idea what conversation he was talking about . At this point I was so traumatized , I could barely remember how many children the Octomom had just given birth to . I directed him to my house from the Allen Road , going through all the side streets . We finally ended up in front of my house and I sat there paralyzed . I was unsure what to do . Cry ? Laugh ? Count my blessings ? I sat there thanking K over and over . He told me it was his pleasure and felt like he was the one who should be thanking me . Huh ? More confusion . He said for me to put his number in my phone and that maybe we could go for lunch one day . " I would love to ! " I said , excitedly punching his number into my cell . Was I the same psycho , who five minutes ago thought I would never eat lunch again ? I leaned over and gave K a huge hug goodbye . I felt my eyes tearing up as I realized this had been luckiest night of my life . As I got out of the car his last words to me were , " Andrea , if you ever need anything , you just call me . " I smiled . We had entered the car as strangers , but we were leaving as friends . ( Please stay tuned for the conclusion of this story . It is VERY special . Includes : the reaction of " The Centre , " The conversation with K that I did not remember having , and how I learned to laugh through this . I will post it tomorrow ) Posted by " Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends . " - - - - - - Shirley MacLaine Through the media , we are constantly instilled with the fear that strangers want to kill us . As children we believe that strangers are grotesque figures who want to lure us with candy and lock us in a tower . As we get older we learn to use our own discretion in figuring out the good strangers from the bad strangers . We take risks everyday speaking to these dangerous people who want to kill us . I was never one to follow the rule " don 't talk to strangers . " Sure my parents , like everyone else 's , tried to drill it into my head more times than Tiger Woods has cheated on his wife , but it just never stuck . In fact , I thought it was insane to walk around fearing other people just because I didn 't know them . How would things ever progress if we never spoke to anyone outside of our immediate circle of acquaintances ? So as someone who prides myself on trusting the right people , I have never discriminated against anyone new that I randomly meet . However , it is exactly a year ago that my faith and intuition were deeply challenged . Last year over Christmas vacation a close friend of mine from LA was in for a few days . I was excited to go with him and two other guy friends to a party at Bread and Circus , in Kensington Market . Now , if you happened to be in Toronto last winter , you will probably remember the excessive amount of snowstorms that fell in December . This was a particularly snowy night . I had volunteered to be the designated driver because I needed to be home by a certain time to give my oldest dog , Charlie , medication . My parents were on their usual three - week December holiday , and I was staying at their house taking care of my dogs . I would be lying if I told you that I did not drink at that party , because I did . After an awkward run in with " The LifeSucker , " who you will learn more about in later postings , I had a couple of drinks with my friends . By the time we returned to my car , a few hours later , I was sober enough to drive . It was around one in the morning and the snow was falling lightly , as we drove back to my friend 's condo . Once there , he invited me in to play a game of poker with the other guys , before I headed home . Without hesitation , I parked my car in the back alley behind his condo and joined them upstairs . For reasons that you will never know , we lost track of time and suddenly it was 3am . Noticing the snow coming down hard , I quickly grabbed my stuff , said goodbye to my friends , and rushed out the door . All I could think of was that I had to get home to Charlie . Once outside , the wind hit me in the face harder than " Jon and Kate Plus 8 's " breakup . Other than a black SUV parked beside me , there was not another car or person in sight . I quickly cleared the snow off my car while it was warming up inside . When I was ready to go , I put the car in reverse and proceeded to leave . However , my car would not move . I seemed to be stuck on something and my wheels spun every time I gave it gas . I tried rocking it out of the spot by moving my gear back and forth from reverse to drive . After fifteen minutes , when the car had still not budged an inch , I started to panic . Suddenly out of my passenger window I saw a large guy come running through the alley to the SUV beside me . I watched him clear off his car , and his dreadlocks turned quickly from black to white , as the snow fell heavily on his head . As he was about to get into his car , I realized he might be my only hope and quickly rolled down my window . " Hey , could you help me ? " I shouted . He came over and asked what was wrong . I told him that I was stuck and desperately needed to get home . He went and stood at the front of my car and tried to direct me out of the spot , t " Thanks , but I will just call my friends upstairs to come down and help , " I said . Within a few minutes two of my friends were downstairs and we all tried pushing . My tires continued to spin . The man told my friends about his offer to drive me home . " It 's okay , I will take a cab , " I said , interrupting him . My friends encouraged me to take the lift . Besides , where would I find a cab at this hour and in this awful weather ? I stood there for a moment looking at my guy friends . They were cold and wanted to go inside . I just wanted to get home . The guy assured us I 'd be safe . He tried to make himself sound more like a civilian by telling us he was a bouncer at a club down the road , however , it never occurred to any of us that he never told us his name . I finally realized it was up to me to make this decision , and I needed to do it quickly . I said goodbye to my friends and got into the car with this stranger , every parent 's biggest fear . I had no idea I was about to embark on a life changing journey . ( To be continued on Monday ) We have almost reached the final curtain of 2009 and let me ring it out by saying , " See ya later , you big jerk ! " As 2009 opened , millions of people worldwide saw their dreams come true when Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States . Even as a Canadian , I was ecstatic upon hearing the news that he had won . Hope and change were in the air , as well as the promise of making a fresh new start towards rebuilding our lives . For most people , myself included , the possibilities of being released from our traps through Obama 's message seemed endless . However , for me it quickly turned into a year of living dangerously . I 've started this blog because although I have had one of the most unpleasant years of my life , it has also been an enormous eye opener . The stories I have to tell are so outrageous that even as a writer I couldn 't have made them up if I tried . A close friend has been encouraging me for months to write a blog about my struggles and how I learned to turn negatives into positives , but I have been hesitant because I felt like it would be hard to have to relive things that happened . However , I 've finally decided to take the plunge . I am going full force to document the mixed - up incidents of 2009 because as nutty as things got , I learned how to tough it out by finding the silver lining each time I was knocked down . Next week I will write about the first event that started off my year from hell , but first I wanted to share with you my most valuable ingredient that got me through the year . It is what kept me from jumping head first into the Don River , other than the fact that I never would have drowned since I could almost double for Dara Torres these days . So how did I make it through 2009 in one piece ? Laughter . It 's the truth . I will never again underestimate the power of laughing . I had no idea how much humor can be found in bad situations . You probably don 't realize it either . Trust me it is there , and if you can 't find it , then it is crucial to surround yourself with peoSee you next week ! By day and often night , I work in the film industry in Toronto , Canada as an on - set teacher for child actors . I love my job and appreciate how lucky I am to be able to say that . I am also a writer and have two published books : " StarSitter " and the sequel " StarSitter : Thank God for You . " I am also in the midst of writing two screenplays and a third novel " StarSitter Goes to Japan . " When I 'm asked for advice about writing , I always encourage both kids and adults to start by drawing from their own experiences . Many people don 't realize they have stories worth telling . The past few years have not been easy for me as I have been constantly trying to pick myself up after suffering some big blows in my life . It has taught me how fragile life is and how in an instant your whole world can change , even for those who seem to be sailing through smoothly . My mission is to try and continue to find the silver linings within all the bad times I have experienced . I hope you will be inspired . |
We were fifteen . Zeke had found a huge underground vault , a crypt of old cars in the City , and he had dragged me out there to hold the lantern while he checked it out . I was supposed to be on the way to my Uncle Peter 's farm to help bring in the hay . " Zeke , don 't be crazy . Let 's get out of here . " The City was death , everybody knew that . I could feel the germs and the rads crawling across my skin . We were going to be dead in three days with huge welts all over our skin . Superstitious , I know . Zeke could always get me to do stuff I never would have done on my own . He would say something like , why don 't we go up and sit on the white highways ; and even though I thought it was a completely stupid idea , I would go . Or he would say , let 's go into Dead City and look for a car , and even though nobody 'd lived in The City since before the Cold , I would say all right , and we 'd go . The car looked to me like a crumbling wreck . It was a big Chevy , which Zeke pronounced " Shev - ee " like his father Frank . The tires were flat and rotted out , the paint job was webbed with cracks , and the stuff on the inside was all split and pitted . Zeke rolled out from beneath the car and grinned . " Don 't be such a little girl . The block 's intact . It 'll work . " " You 're crazy , " I said . The car looked nothing like the chariots they raced on the white highways , and I told him so . " Besides , how are you going to get it out of here ? " We 'd had to dig our way through rubble ourselves , and I saw no way to get this heap up to the surface . " Leave that to me , " he said . I should have known then that he was serious . There was no natural way to move that much rock out of the way , much less carry the car up . Two weeks later Zeke caught me as I was walking home from the schoolhouse . The palms of his hands were wrapped in rags . " Joey , boy . Tonight we should take a little trip . " Zeke was right , as usual . There was paint in the barn , some old cans of red that Grampa had mixed years ago . But I couldn 't take off with it until nightfall . The fire is always the center of the home . Father had built the chimney first , stone by stone , and the kitchen around it . As the children were born he had added small rooms that sprang off from the kitchen at odd angles , and after I 'd gotten big enough to help him we built the porch around the front door . Firstmother started her prayer that evening with the usual , " Thank you Jesus for the Summer Sun , " while Sara , my pop 's new young wife ( barely older than me ) , passed potatoes and a little mashed corn around the table . Pop took a potato and bit into it . Firstmother went through the entire list of crops we were hoping for , plus all of the sins me , my sisters , Pop , and most of all Sara had committed that week . She kept going until she saw that Sara was almost finished setting the table , and then Firstmother finished off the whole thing by saying , " and especially watch over our young Joseph , and protect him from the temptations that so beset a young man . " My sisters giggled ; then we all said " Amen . " Sara sat down gratefully . " Don 't talk back to me , boy . " Sara came back into the room carrying the salt bowl . My father was chewing intently , silently , as always . And Sara was worse than no help , a liability . It was time . I either had to stand up for Zeke or listen forever to everything Firstmother said . I looked her in the eye . " What 's the matter with Zeke , anyways ? " She stared back . " You know what 's the matter with Zeke . His father 's a drunk , a black magician , a road racer , a no - good consorter with demons - " Pop looked up . He kept chewing as he talked , red potatoes mashing between his teeth . His voice was quiet , like when he was explaining why he was going to hit you for not feeding the horses on time . " I said , Rachel , that enough was enough . Frank Landers has had his troubles . I don 't want any wife of mine continuing to add to them . " Firstmother was almost sputtering . " I will not have my son hanging around with the son of a demoner ! " She picked up her plate and stalked to the kitchen . Pop picked up another potato . My sisters stared moodily at their food . And even with her head bowed and her hair falling across her eyes , I could see the barest beginnings of a smile on Sara 's face . I was circling Zeke 's house to knock on his bedroom window when I saw lamplight seeping through the cracks of the old shed set away from the house . The door , usually chained shut , was busted open . Zeke was there , his back to me as he rummaged through some cabinets at the back of the shed . And there was something else . It was a Pontiac - one of the big cars they race down in Mexicana . It was painted almost all black , but in the flicker I could make out a spiderweb of silver lines . The tires were low , and there was some rust along the bottom of the driver 's side door , but overall it looked real good . " You 're late , " Zeke said when he turned around . " Here . Grab these . " He was holding up three dusty books , two cans of paint and a bucket of brushes in his bandaged hands . " C ' mon , whose car is this ? Is this your dad 's ? " There 'd been rumors about Zeke 's dad , Frank , ever since I was a kid . Everybody knew he was a drunk now , but every once in a while you 'd hear an adult say something about the magic , or a pro driver . Zeke pushed me and the buckets outside . He wound the chain up around the door handle and said , " Forget it . That car ain 't there , you understand ? " He turned to me , and in the moonlight I could barely make out a smile . The smile was always the end of the argument with Zeke . " Ready for a little hike ? " " Joey , " he said , " I 'm gonna race on the white highways . I 'm gonna win . Then I 'm going to Mexicana and I 'm gonna race the Brujo . " " That 's why you 're going to die . Messing with the demons and magic is serious stuff . I don 't even know why I 'm helping you . " He nudged me . " You haven 't figured that out , Joey ? Because you love this shit . You love being bad , breaking the rules , messing with magic . And if anything goes wrong , you can blame it on mean old Zeke . " Zeke started lighting lamps that had been placed in a circle around the car . I was conscious of Dead City surrounding us on all sides . I set my buckets on the ground and walked forward . " Nothing happened . " He studied a diagram on one page of the book . " Now get those cans of red over here . I want to prime it in red . " " Jesus Lord , I should have known it when I saw your hands . " I followed him around the circle . " What was it like ? Did it have wings ? Did it look like the Devil ? " " How the hell would I know what the Devil looks like ? " Zeke snapped the book shut and handed me a big brush . " Smooth , slow strokes , all over the hood . Don 't mess it up . " He set the books off to the side carefully . " Can 't you feel it ? " His voice sounded like he was speaking from under the ground . " There 's a lot of death here . A lot of power . " Death . Power . I was out of my depth . I didn 't ask any more questions . We worked silently for almost three hours . Two hours before dawn we put the cans and brushes beneath the car , doused the lamps , and walked home . Zeke whistled the whole way . One or two days a week for almost two months I made the trek out to the city with or for Zeke . He had stopped going to schoolhouse . He would stay awake for days , working on the car , talking about how he was going to take it on the circuit and blow everybody else away . I 'd bring him some food from home and he 'd barely look at it . Looking back , I know I could have done something to stop him . I could have hid the tools , or sabotaged the paint , or told my folks what we were doing . But Zeke was Zeke . And I couldn 't imagine any situation that Zeke couldn 't handle . Me , I was a different story . I was petrified Firstmother or Father would find out what I was up to . I would tell Zeke that I was absolutely never coming back out to the City . But Zeke would tell me he needed me to bring something out ; and , sure enough , that night I would climb out my window and head toward Dead City . Considering my nervousness and lack of confidence , I had amazing luck . Of all the times I sneaked out of the house to go help him , I was only caught once . It was mid - June and I was late coming back from the City . The sun was just starting to come up behind me . I was about to boost myself over the window ledge and start pretending to be asleep when Sara walked around the corner . What was she doing up this early ? She stared at me and I slowly dropped back to the ground . If she told Firstmother ( which she wouldn 't ) or Father ( which she probably would ) I was in big trouble . " That 's great , " I said . We stood there in silence for a while , me nervously watching the sun get bigger and brighter every minute . Finally she reached up and touched the top of my head . " You 'd better get inside now , Joseph . " She turned her back to me and walked around the corner again . I scrambled up the wall and dove into bed . A few minutes later Father came in to wake me up for the morning chores . At that time I 'd only seen one race on the white highways , between two cars on the pro circuit from Nevada . I 'd thought the cars were the most beautiful , terrible things in the world . But Zeke 's car , our car , surpassed them . Not in beauty . Even by lamplight , the lines on the Chevy did not look delicate ; the interior did not look padded and luxurious ; the wheels were not trimmed in gold like the circuit cars were . But for sheer terribleness , you couldn 't match Zeke 's Chevy . It was red , but a red shot through with yellow and white lines that , by lamplight , flickered and burned . I 'd asked Zeke how he did it . How did he know what design was needed , what pattern of lines and circles and rectangles was called for . Zeke said that every pattern on every car was exactly the same , but I said that was horse - hockey - I 'd seen the pro cars , and each design was as different from the other as strangers . As I entered the alley I could see that the Chevy was no less terrible by daylight . I could make out each line and shape , and as I looked I began to grasp the logic of their relationships . Each line bound one shape to another ; each shape froze the line in its path . There was no way to look past that design to the base red , and there was no path from the red out . Suddenly I realized that there was someone in the car behind the wheel ; nearly as quick I knew it was Frank . The door opened and he heaved himself out . He stumbled forward , then leaned against the hood . As I walked toward him he drew a flask and swallowed hard . " Joseph Peterson , " I said . I was ready to break and run if he got crazy . I 'd seen Frank drunk , but I 'd always stayed out of his way . So did Zeke . " Nothing ? C ' mere , boy . Look at this . " Cautiously I walked over . He traced one of the lines with his finger . The finger , and now I noticed the entire hand as well , was covered with pink scars . I looked at where he pointed . There was a small break in the paint . " That 's sloppy , boy , sloppy that could get you killed . That line 's useless , and if your Engine finds that break it 's gonna try to pop right out of there . " He pulled me around to the open driver 's door . " Look at that steerin ' wheel . " I did as I was told , but I was also trying to see if I could scoot over to the other door and get out before he could grab me again . " No no no . Look where your hands are . Put ' em at two o ' clock and ten . Now , see where the pattern stops to either sides of your hands ? Those are your channels , and if your hand 's not completely covering those blank spots when the blood 's flowing , the Engine 's gonna climb up into your lap and bite your head off . Then you go zombi . " " Nobody races with channels that big . Don 't you understand , boy ? It 's a two way street . You reach in , and it reaches you . " Suddenly a big bandaged hand reached in and hauled Frank out of the door . Zeke held him by the shirt collar and shouted at him . " What are doing here , old man ? What are you doing here ! " Zeke pushed Frank away from him . Frank stumbled backwards and fell to the ground . Zeke stalked off to the other side of the car . I was left looking at Frank . He wasn 't getting up . After half a minute I got out of the car and went to see if he was all right . " Can I give you a hand ? " I asked . His eyes focused on me . He shook his head and slowly levered himself up into a sitting position . After a while he eased himself up and walked stiff - leggedly out of the alley . He didn 't answer , or even look at me . He was flipping through one of his books again . And if I hadn 't known Zeke as well as I did , I would have sworn he looked like a boy about to cry . He slammed the book shut , picked up a brush , and began filling in the breaks in the lines of the pattern with quick , angry strokes . He left the channels on the steering wheel untouched . If the car was a cage , the Gateway pattern was the carrot to lure the Engine in . Zeke had drawn three blue circles on the ground , lined up in a row , each circle edge touching the edge of another circle . The biggest circle was around the car . The middle circle was smaller and laced with intersecting diagonal lines . The last circle was the smallest . Zeke was sitting in the center of that circle and painting in a complex double row of shapes and lines around the inside of the border . Zeke smiled . " I sit here , " he said , " and the demon pops up there . " The middle circle . " Then it becomes a test . Can I push it into the car or not . " I tried to imagine thousands of people living in these buildings , but I couldn 't do it . Where would all the food come from ? What did they do for a living , besides drive cars ? Zeke said , " All right . It 's time . " Zeke told me to douse the lanterns around the alley . Before the last of the light went out , though , I saw Zeke take off his bandages . The scabs on his palms that looked like black holes in his skin . I turned away and doused the last lamp . Moonlight glinted off something metallic in Zeke 's hands . I heard him gasp , and then I saw blotches of phosphorescent blood appear in the middle circle . Then the entire pattern flared into blue fire . After a minute the fire subsided to a glow that lit up the alley . Zeke sat in the center of his circle , hugging his knees , staring at the middle circle . The blotches were burning brighter now . I gazed from Zeke to the middle circle to the car . For the longest time nothing happened at all . I can 't tell you how the thing appeared , because I was looking at Zeke 's face when I heard it . It sounded like a huge downpour , or the center of a waterfall . Zeke gritted his teeth and grunted like he 'd been stabbed in the gut , and I flicked my eyes to the middle circle again . It was already there … … the most beautiful thing I 've ever seen . It swirled like a dust - devil , but a dust - devil made of light . It was not green , or red , or any other color , really . It simply was . I know that 's crazy . It spun toward Zeke , moaning like a tornado , and as it moved I saw the bright blotches rise up and become part of the whirlwind . It battered at Zeke 's circle , sparks flying as flakes of paint chipped off the ground and joined the spinning air . Zeke clenched his fist . Blood poured down his arms . The thing spun backwards ; then Zeke was on his feet , shouting at the top of his lungs . I couldn 't make out the words over the roar . After that it was over almost instantly . The whirlwind broke through the circle surrounding the car , then vanished . The circles and rectangles on the Chevy flared a moment and went dark . The blue circles on the ground faded . That 's when I realized Zeke was calling for help . I ran to him , picked the bandages off the ground , and began to wrap up his hands . There was so much blood I couldn 't tell where the wound was : but I cinched both bandages tight . Zeke 's hair was matted to his head with sweat . A smile was playing around his face . He stood up , holding me . Then he looked at the car and whooped for joy . The highways have always been here . They are cracked , and full of holes , and some whole sections of bridges have collapsed , You can still ride the white highways from one ocean to another , from Canuck to Mexicana . And if you 're a driver , you can race on them . The pro driver that first Saturday in August was a blond - haired guy from Appalachia who called himself the Bobcat and drove a blue and gold Ford . The local girls who 'd ditched their folks were pooling in the glow of his headlights like moths , jockeying to get closer to him . The boys were standing around in tight bunches outside the light , looking at the car . Everyone was very careful not to lean on the Bobcat 's car . We watched him from a ridge above the highways . Zeke had said he wanted to size up the competition . He snorted . " I 'm gonna bury this guy . " I wasn 't so sure . The Bobcat wasn 't famous on the circuit , but he was still a pro driver , and Zeke had never raced before . But Zeke was Zeke . And he was confident as hell . " Let 's go , " he said . I climbed in from the passenger side and Zeke slid in the other door . He planted his big hands on the steering wheel - completely covering the channels , I saw - and his face contorted into an angry sneer like he was wrestling the Engine for control . Finally he smiled . We shot down the ridge , the Engine growling like a caged bear , and popped through a hole in the railing . Zeke slid to a stop just behind Bobcat , his lights focusing on the blue Ford . The blond - haired driver looked at us for a moment . I thought I saw a little doubt in his face , but then he shrugged and turned back to the girls . Zeke was ready to jump out of the car and punch this guy . I looked at his wild red hair falling like a mane down his back and I said , " Don 't you know who this is , little Bobcat ? This the King of the Beasts , Zeke the Lion ! " " Two miles . You 're on . " Bobcat pushed the girls out of the way and climbed into his Ford . Zeke and I watched him pull the inserts out of the palms of his gloves , prick the exposed skin with a small knife , and then fit his hands over the channels . He called Lydia over to tie the thongs of his gloves to the steering wheel . " Like hell . Don 't you know you 're my lucky piece ? You ride with me ! " I got back in , scared but excited as all hell . The Bobcat started his Engine and the crowd backed away to the railings . Zeke tightened his grip on the wheel . Our Engine growled to life . Lydia Mitchum stripped off her green t - shirt and stood between our headlights . I couldn 't take my eyes off her breasts . " On my mark ! " she yelled , raising the shirt above her head . Zeke snarled under his breath . Lydia brought the green cloth down . " Go ! " I think I screamed most of the way down the track . And then I looked over at Zeke and saw that he was smiling . Maybe I should have realized then that I had no part in this , but with Zeke so confident and in control , I started to smile too . We beat the Ford to Busted Bridge by a quarter mile . The Bobcat was furious . " Who the hell are you ! ? What kind of Engine is that ? " he kept yelling . Zeke told him to keep his shitty car and go home . I left a note for my Father telling him I would be back for the harvest in October . Then I hopped out my window , a sack of clothes in my hand , and headed out across the fields to Zeke 's house . When I got there , Zeke was taking an axe to a tin contraption behind the shed . " What is that ? " I said . " His still . " He broke up the last of the tubing , dumped a big barrel of mash on the ground , and then tossed the axe into the field . " Maybe this will keep him alive ' til I get back , " he said . We drove the white highways , only getting off when the road was too ridden with holes or the bridges were out . Zeke the Lion became the new name on the circuit . " I refuse to lose , " he 'd say to me before each race . And he didn 't . We drove through Kintucky , Appalachia , Texas , Misery , taking on all challenges . We would sleep outside , or in the Chevy if it was raining . There were always girls at the races . A lot of times I would have to walk around for a couple of hours while Zeke was using the car . Or he would gather a bunch of kids around , slowly strip off his bandages , and tell them what it was like to drive one of the Engines . Zeke loved every minute of it . I spent every minute horny as hell , but the Driver magic didn 't seem to rub off on me . And Zeke was changing . By late August he was staying out later and later before each race . He 'd get roaring drunk and then shake me awake . He always wanted to talk . Most of the time it was racing : about the cars he 'd beaten , or was going to beat in the next town , and especially how he was going to take on the Brujo in Mexicana . But sometimes it was weirder stuff . " Joey , " he said to me one night in Texas , " the voice is getting louder . When I start a race , I can hear it screaming at me . It 's gettingin , Joey . " I asked what he meant but he only stared at his hands and mumbled again , " It 's getting in , I can feel it . " Then he took another slug of corn - gin . After a while he shambled off into the darkness . The Brujo was nothing like I expected . I first saw him standing near his big white Caddy , surrounded by a group of racers . He was talking in a loud high voice and when he laughed he sounded like an old woman . His face was fat , and he beamed at everyone around him like an idiot . When he saw Zeke and me step out of the Chevy he walked over . His body was as fat as his face , much too soft for an Engine driver 's . He held out a big gloved hand to me and smiled . Long leather thongs hung from the gloves . " I am Phil Mendez ! You must be Lucky Joe ! " That had gotten to be my name on the Circuit . We shook hands but his eyes were already on Zeke . Those eyes were flat , professional . His smile faded . " This is the Lion ? " Zeke was in bad shape . His skin was pale from blood loss , his hands were shaky , and his eyes were bloodshot . He hadn 't eaten well in days . And he was still drunk from a binge last night . " My friend , Zeke , " the Brujo said , " you aren 't well enough to shit on a rock . " The Brujo 's gaze swiveled back to me . " No race . Get him out of here . " " No ! " screamed Zeke , and he grabbed Mendez by the shirt . " You can 't chicken out on me , sucker . " Mendez looked at him coldly . I suddenly realized that the Brujo was an old man , maybe older than Frank . There was a few seconds of silence . Then the Brujo smiled . " Okay , little man . What kind of car you want to put up ? " Zeke let go of his shirt and Mendez looked over at the Chevy . He studied it for a moment and then looked at me . " You 're from up around Illini , aren 't you ? " I nodded . The Brujo shook his head sadly . " I thought so . I thought so . " He turned back to the circle of drivers waiting for him by the Caddy . " Okay , little man . You get your race . " We watched the Brujo take on three challengers that day , which was almost unheard of on the Circuit . Every time the Brujo 's big caddy beat someone to the two - mile marker Zeke would say , " I can take that . I can take it . " We were scheduled for the next morning . Racers and girls and local kids stopped by our car to wish Zeke luck tomorrow . Bottles were passed . Zeke wasn 't drinking that night , but for the first time I was . It tasted horrible . " I need an edge , " Zeke said to me after everyone had left . He passed me a bottle . " He 's got a bigger Engine in that Caddy . " I drained the last of the bottle . The world was spinning a little crazily and I just wanted to lie flat on the ground . I pulled my blankets out of the car . " Sleep on it , Zeke , " was the last thing I remember saying . As I climbed the embankment I could hear the Brujo 's Caddy starting up . Zeke was right , it was a much bigger Engine . I hopped over the rail in time to see Zeke easing the Chevy up to the line . I ran up to him , my bare feet smarting from the rubble on the highway . I looked at his hands . The bandages were off and blood was already running down his arms . The Channels in the steering wheel were nearly twice as big as they had been . His hands couldn 't cover the gaps . Zeke turned to me and smiled . " I 'm gonna bury this sucker , " he said . " Hop in , Joe . You 're my lucky piece . " " What ? " I turned around . I was between the Caddy and the Chevy . A big driver reached me and pulled me out of the way . The start girl raised the green flag . Since I was at the starting end of the track I didn 't see how it happened . Spectators at the far end said they saw the Brujo 's Caddy was ahead the whole way , until the ¾ mile marker . There the Chevy suddenly put on a burst of speed and passed the Caddy . Everyone agrees that the Chevy crossed the finish line first . Only a couple people said that they actually saw the Pattern blow , or that they saw a whirlwind of light spin into the cabin with Zeke . Even the Brujo , driving right behind him , said that he couldn 't be sure what happened . But everyone could hear that Engine roaring like the wind in their ears and screaming like a calf at the slaughter . I hitched my way across California , Arizona , and Mexicana . Some drivers wouldn 't stop for me , but the ones that did knew who I was and wanted to talk about Zeke 's race . Except for my last ride , Naomi . Was I ? Naomi was one of the few female drivers on the Circuit ; she was in her mid - thirties . They made fun of her off the highways . On the highways they tried their damnedest to beat her . " You should be , Lucky , you should be . I think women are going to dominate racing soon . " She must have seen my disbelief . " Oh no ? Tell me , Joey . What 's an Engine ? " " A demon ? An angry , vengeful spirit trapped in the pattern of a car . " She shut her eyes to consider this . We stayed perfectly on course . " That 's stupid … " I began , but then stopped . I remembered the beauty of the whirlwind spinning inside blue circles . " I give up . What is it ? " I snorted . " Think about it , Joey . If you trapped a creature , made it do what you wanted , whenever you wanted , and then destroyed it , wouldn 't you feel more comfortable calling the thing evil ? Torturing an ' angel ' would bring so much guilt to our manly drivers . " I remembered Zeke , the tracks of blood . " You don 't know what you 're talking about lady . I 've seen my friend … a guy , go zombi . That was no ' angel ' . " " Even an angel might go insane . " She gestured dismissively with one hand . " And you 're right , the name ' angel ' is meaningless . All names are meaningless . " I looked out the window and let the hot Texas wind blow tears off my face . Naomi drove on in silence . A long while later , when it was dark and we were half way into Kintucky , I only asked , " So why do women make better drivers ? " It was a late afternoon three days after she 'd picked me up when Naomi stopped the car and let me out near my father 's farm . She had driven the whole way without sleeping . The cold October wind whipped at my clothes , tugged at my bedroll . She smiled up at me . " Any time . Take care of yourself , now . And do me a favor ; stay away from the Engines . Fall in love , settle down and be a farmer . " She patted my hand with one scarred palm . " Good , " was all she said . Her eyes sparkled like no color at all . I watched her disappear before I turned my face to the wind and started down the embankment . I walked the two miles from the highway breathing in the familiar smells of harvest . The corn was only half cut , though , and we were only weeks away from snow . A knot of fear cinched tight in my stomach . I stepped up to the porch and pushed through the door . It was supper time . The family sat at the table , my Father at one end , Firstmother at the other , my two sisters and Sara in the middle . My place was empty . My sisters swiveled in their chairs as I walked in , then quickly turned back to the table and dropped their eyes . Sarah looked up , smiled slightly , and started to get up . Her belly was hugely round beneath her dress . I woke up just before dawn feeling warm and comfortable beneath the blanket . I could hear my Father moving around in the kitchen . It was time for chores , then school , and then maybe a walk with Zeke out to the City … . It suddenly felt very cold in the room . I pulled on my clothes and stepped out into the kitchen . The first light glowed through the frosted windows . First frost , and the crops not even half in . I heard the front door bang shut . I followed Father out into the yard . He was gazing at the husks glistening like a glassblower 's interpretation of corn . His back was stiff , straight . I stood next to him and stared into the fields . Father looked at me , his eyes squinted tight . " Ain 't there something you should be doing ? " He jerked his head toward the Lander 's place . " Get back here before noon or don 't come back . " In the daylight the house looked like a wreck . I stepped up onto the porch , boards creaking beneath my feet , and knocked on the door . It swung open . There was no answer . I knocked again , taking a step inside . " Mr . Landers ? " I said quietly . " Frank ? It 's me , Sam 's boy , Joseph . " I walked further into the house . The rooms were strewn with garbage , and there was a terrible stink from the kitchen . I found him in the back bedroom . At first I though he was dead . He was drunk . I pressed on . " Mr . Landers , Zeke was in an accident . " I told him what some of the spectators had said . I did not mention the tracks of blood . Finally Frank 's eyes opened again . " I know what happened . I felt it the minute he went . I guess you ain 't so lucky after all , huh ? Now get the hell out of my house . " I had been visiting Frank about once a week . We had talked about everything except Zeke , and racing . So in a way we 'd been talking about nothing at all . The snow was drifted up onto the porch . There were no lights on in the house . I went in , half expecting in each room to see Frank 's frozen body curled up in a corner . The house was nearly as cold as outside . He was not home . I thought he might be in the outhouse , so I went out the back door . Frank was working on the Pontiac . He was moving quickly , scrubbing the old black and silver paint off the car . He had already cleared most of the hood . When the frigid wind blasted in he turned to me with eyes that were clear and stone - cold sober . " Shut the damn door , " he said . " We 've got to talk , Lucky Joe . " Frank turned at the noise . He slammed the hood of the car down with a bang . He frowned . He looked completely calm , like the Brujo , or Naomi . I could make out the shiny grillwork , the headlights reflecting like cat 's eyes in the sun , the silver rectangle of windshield . The engine grew louder . The familiar patterns of the car were just becoming clear . Frank 's voice was rough . " We will . " He looked me in the eye . " How are you doing ? " " Shut up , son . " The car was suddenly there , bearing down on us . For a moment I thought it was going to run us down . At the last moment the car braked hard , went into a skid , and sprayed gravel at me and Frank . The car slid to a stop with the driver 's side door facing us . The engine wound down from a howl to a rumbling growl , and then was silenced . An ugly knot of fear tightened in my stomach . " Father , Son , Spirit , Lord … " I heard myself saying , and then shut my mouth . It was too late for prayers now , and I was certainly in no position to ask . The door swung wide , and I saw first one booted leg , then another touch the ground . The thing stood up to full height and stretched its arms toward us . It cocked its head sideways and leered at us with a mouth of rotted teeth . " Joey ! Poppa ! Good … to see you ! " " Poppa ! " The thing shut the car door , leaned against the hood . I almost gasped , the gesture was so like Zeke . The creature 's gaze swung toward me . " So , Joey . What do you and this … piece of shit … want ? " " Pink slips ? " It cocked his head . " But I have no … need for a car . " Then the thing smiled . " No . Not … a car . " It touched its chest in mock depreciation . " I need another … vehicle . " It pointed one long finger at me . Zeke 's finger . " This one wears thin . You are pink … and fresh . " For the first time its gaze fell on our car , parked behind us . It moved forward , its smell rushing before it . I felt bile burning at the back of my throat as it stepped past me . It looked cautiously at the blue circle painted around the car , then stepped over it . It held out one pale hand . " I know … everyone . " It slowly touched one finger to the silver pattern painted on the hood . The grotesque face curled into an expression of surprise when the lines did not burn . " It 's empty ! " I walked to our car . A silver ox was painted on the driver 's side door . Symbol of the farmer , Frank had said . On the other door , where the creature could see it clearly , was a silver lion . I sat down in the Pontiac , pulled the door shut , and placed my hands over the channels . A part of me wanted to cut my hands and shed some of my own blood in this race . I stared ahead through the windshield so as not to see the thing that wasn 't Zeke in the Chevy next to me . The Pontiac was surrounded by a pattern of blue paint drawn on white cement . Diagonal lines shot off from that pattern on the side opposite the Chevy and joined to another , smaller circle . Frank sat in that circle , holding a knife . He looked at me and nodded . I nodded to Frank . For a moment he looked at me . There was hope and fear in his eyes . He stared at the knife in his hand . With a quick movement he plunged it into his chest . The Pontiac bucked and flew forward . I did not scream . I could feel a steady heat , like a murderous calm , flowing up my arms from the channels . . The white highways stretched like a snake before us . There were two miles between us and Busted Bridge , and I had never really driven before . My Engine was untested , untamed . But it was effortless . The wheel would jerk in my hands and suddenly we 'd be skirting a pothole that I hadn 't even seen . Frank 's spirit gave itself up willingly , threw its entire being in the Pontiac 's engine . There was not even any need to conserve anything for a second race . Then a searing pain in my arms nearly made me jerk my hands from the wheel . I held on . I heard the creature scream as we passed it . We were almost to the edge of the City when the Chevy 's pattern blew . In my rear view mirror I could see blue flames explode from the pattern on the hood . The Chevy skewed sideways across the road . The car ground against the railing , spewing sparks , and then swerved back onto the lane . But it was not under control . The car began to spin , almost gracefully , creating bright red ovals on the white cement . The car crashed through the opposite railing . I yelled and slammed on the Pontiac 's brakes . I nearly lost control myself before I could turn the car around . As we approached the split railing of Busted Bridge I felt my arms go cold , and the Pontiac choked to a halt . I jumped out . Zeke was on fire . He fled from the Chevy in a stumbling half - run , and then dropped to his knees . He looked up with pain - filled eyes and saw me . Father died a year later . Firstmother crumpled up with grief and followed him into the grave in six months . Sara 's still a young woman , and she makes a good wife . My brothers and sisters that were her children have become my sons and daughters . Sara 's pregnant with the first of mine , and it looks like I won 't need a secondmother for many years . Unless Lydia Mitchum ever shows up here again . She ran off about six months back from the Preacher and the rumors have been coming by about her and some woman driver . I think of her - and her green shirt and her breasts - sometimes . But not too much . Father 's land is mine now . You can make a good living off it if you 're not afraid to work , and I know there will always be food on the table for the kids . I don 't race anymore . The farthest I want to travel is to the edge of my acres , and only as fast as the horse pulling the plow ahead of me . The other night I couldn 't sleep , so I eased out of bed quiet enough to not wake Sara . I walked over to the Landers ' place in the cool night air , and I stood on the porch of the dilapidated house . I could see the two gravestones on the hill , spaced just a few feet apart . I went around to the shed behind the house and unchained the doors . Moonlight spilled across the silver and black car . I rummaged around in the shed a while , looking at wrenches and brushes and rusted car parts . At one point I climbed behind the wheel and looked out through the windshield . I lightly touched the channels . The car was empty , completely empty . I stood near the back of the house . The shed burned for a long while . There must have been a big can of kerosene somewhere inside , because suddenly a whole side of the shed exploded out and the roof tumbled down . It was dawn before I got home . My house looked solid and clean in the growing light . Sara stepped out onto the porch as I walked up . She had a worried look on her face . I shook my head and touched her rounded belly beneath her gown . Sara said we would name him Joseph . " Nothing . " It was time for the morning chores , and from inside the house one of the children started crying . |
Author 's Notes : Soon after I learned the details of the events in Unending , I decided that I had to come up with a way to make a Daniel / Sam story out of it . I could have gone with an AU story , but that 's not what I wanted . Instead , I wanted to take the events as they happened and change a Daniel / Vala episode into a Daniel / Sam story . Since this is not an AU story , the Daniel / Vala content in the episode still happens in this fic , though it is mostly just referenced to rather than shown . In search of coffee , Cameron Mitchell entered the mess hall of the Odyssey . He went over to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup . As he did so , he noticed Daniel and Vala sitting at a table in the otherwise empty room . As he watched , Vala got up from her seat , leaned over , and gave Daniel a kiss . Then she left , greeting Cameron on the way out . Coffee mug in hand , the lieutenant colonel walked over to the archeologist , who was hard at work on something . Why the man insisted on continuing to work when they were all trapped forever in this time dilation field was something Cameron didn 't understand . " Yeah , you got that right . No missions or crises for you to butt heads over . " Cameron studied Daniel 's face , which was once again turned downward toward the papers . " So . . . you love her ? " Daniel sighed . " I care very much about Vala . It 's been good since we . . . got together . It had been a long time since I had a woman in my life like that , and it 's nice not - " He halted abruptly . Daniel began playing with his coffee mug , slowly spinning it . " I . . . I guess I love her , in a way . It 's not like it was with my wife . Sha 're was . . . . " His eyes looked off into the distance of the past . " I gave my whole heart to her . " Daniel 's angry eyes speared into him . " A long time , all right ? Are you happy now ? " He grabbed his papers and left the table , storming out of the mess hall . " Forget it , " Daniel snapped as he punched the button . The doors opened , and he stepped inside . Cameron followed him . Neither one of them spoke until they 'd reached the room Daniel had set up as his office . Cameron closed the door behind him . " So , how come you never did anything about it ? Because you 're teammates ? Sure , it might have caused some problems , but you 're a civilian , so - " Cameron fell silent , absorbing what he 'd just learned . So , Daniel was in love with Sam but was in a relationship with Vala , and Sam was in love with General O ' Neill but was never able to do anything about it because of the regs . What a mixed up mess . Cameron studied the man before him . " Okay , I 'm going to ask you a question , and I 'd appreciate it if you didn 't hit me . If you 're in love with Sam , why did you decide to get involved with Vala ? Is it because we 're stuck here ? " " No , " Daniel replied immediately . " I mean , no , that 's not the only reason . I was just . . . tired of being alone . I 've been thinking for a while now that it was time for me to move on , to just get Sam out of my mind like that and find someone I could be with . " He smiled very briefly . " I was actually going to start dating . " He waved his hands about , indicating the room . " Those plans sort of didn 't work out . " Cameron knew what Daniel was having a hard time saying . " She wanted you . Yeah , I got those vibes from her a long time ago . Couldn 't really miss it . " " Yes , for the most part . Like I said , I care about Vala very much , and I know that she feels the same . It 's worked out better than I 'd have thought it would . " " Because I could never hurt Vala like that . I couldn 't do that to her . " Daniel glared at Cameron with hard eyes . " You 're not to say a word of this to anyone , Mitchell . I mean it . If someone finds out - " The pilot lifted his hands . " Not a word of it will pass my lips . I swear . This ship is way too small for me to have an angry archeologist on a vendetta against me . " He got to his feet and headed for the door . He paused before opening it . " I know what it 's like not to be able to have the woman you love , Jackson . It hurts . " Daniel sighed , looking away across the room . " Yes , it does . " His eyes met Cameron 's . " But I 'm all right . Vala and I have a good thing , and it 's enough . " Fifty years . Daniel looked at all his friends , seeing the age on their faces . On those faces was also hope . If Sam succeeded , the past fifty years would be erased , and they would be free . Only Teal ' c would remember that those years ever happened . Of course , there was the chance that their freedom wouldn 't last for long before they all died , blown to smithereens . But they had all agreed that it was worth the risk . Daniel glanced at Vala , the woman he 'd been with for all these years . Their relationship had not always been easy . Even trapped on this ship , their personalities had still clashed from time to time . But , for the most part , it had been good , as good as it could ever hope to be between them . Daniel had given her as much of himself as he could . It had never been his whole heart , but it was all he could give . He had never told her he loved her , not wanting to speak a lie . Yes , he cared for her very much , but real love , love like what he 'd had with Sha 're , was a feeling that never grew in his heart for Vala . That part of his heart , the biggest part , still belonged to Sam . . . and always would . Daniel and Vala left the others , choosing to wait in private for the moment that the years spent on this ship would be rewound . The archeologist had decided that he needed to tell Vala that he had cared about her , that their life together had not happened only because of where they were . She wouldn 't remember , but he felt like he needed to say it anyway . This time , Daniel interrupted her . " I know . I know . " Yes , he did know . He knew that her feelings for him had always been deeper than his for her . She had never said so , perhaps because he had never uttered the words to her , but he knew that she loved him . Had she known that he did not return the emotion ? Perhaps she did , and that was the reason why she never brought up the subject . Perhaps it was the reason why she didn 't let him finish his statement . Cameron sauntered down the SGC corridor . Yesterday , they 'd returned from their first mission since the " Odyssey incident , " as he liked to call it , and he was yet again thinking about the fate SG - 1 and Landry had escaped . The thought of being trapped forever onboard the Odyssey in a time dilation field was not a pleasant one . He had to wonder what happened during those fifty years that , now , technically , never took place . They 'd all agreed not to ask Teal ' c about it , although every one of them was dying of curiosity . In fact , Vala was apparently having a lot of trouble with that . Whatever did happen , the pilot figured that it must have been excruciatingly boring . " Vala , I 've told you before that it wasn 't a date , " Daniel said , clearly aggravated . " It was just a dinner . That 's all . Two friends having dinner . " " Of course it was , dear Daniel . " There was a playful note in Vala 's voice . " So , how about another dinner that is not a date ? I promise that I won 't expect you to take me back to your place afterwards and make passionate love to me , although , if you change your mind about that , I certainly wouldn 't object . " Vala sighed . " What a shame . " There was the sound of a chair creaking . " Well , I 'd better go decide what I 'm going to wear . " " Why , hello there , " she greeted with a knowing smile . " Eavesdropping ? " She wagged her finger . " Shame on you . Well , if you will excuse me , I need to go make myself even more beautiful than I already am . " " You know what it 's supposed to mean . You told Vala that it 's just a dinner , but is it really ? I 'd have to be blind not to see that she wants more . " " No , although I can 't deny that I find her attractive . And , yes , you 're right . She 's made no secret of the fact that she wants more from me . I do care about her . " " And . . . I 've been thinking lately that maybe it 's time for me to finally find someone to be with . It 's been . . . a very long time . I 'm over forty , and I don 't want to be alone for the rest of my life . I 'm not saying that I want anything like that with Vala , but it 's not going to hurt to go out to dinner with her . " " So , you 're talking about getting back in the dating scene ? " Cameron straddled a chair . " Well , I 'd definitely say it 's about time . You 've been carrying that torch for your wife for a lot of years . " At that moment , Sam came walking in . " Hey . I was thinking that we could all go out for dinner tonight in celebration . We didn 't get the chance before this last mission . " " It 's not a date ! " Daniel snapped , more than a little anger in his voice . Cameron turned to him and saw that he really was angry . Then the archeologist 's expression changed , softening dramatically as he looked at Sam , a warm light in his eyes . " I 'm sorry , Sam . I 'd love to go out to dinner with everyone , but I did promise Vala that we could have dinner tonight , pretty much for the same reason , as a celebration . " Cameron was staring at Daniel in shock , intently studying the look on the man 's face and in his eyes . No . It couldn 't be . Sam ? Jackson had a thing for Sam ? At that moment , a plan popped into Cameron 's head . " Hey , I 've got an idea . How about if we make it a double date ? " He held up his hand as Daniel opened his mouth . " Yeah , I know . It 's not a date . What I mean is what if we all go out to that restaurant you 're planning on taking Vala to ? Hell , it 's been ages since I got all dressed up for a fancy dinner . " " Why don 't you go ask Vala what she thinks ? " Cameron suggested . " If she says she 'd rather not , then we 'll have our dinner together on another day . " Cameron watched him leave , hoping that this worked out . If he was right about Daniel 's feelings for Sam , this might resolve some things . If he was wrong , no harm done . Daniel headed down to the level with the personnel quarters . He knew that he shouldn 't be doing this . He knew that Vala was looking forward to a dinner just with him . He really should have said no . So why didn 't he ? Because he really liked the idea of having dinner with Sam , even if it wouldn 't be just the two of them . It had been quite a while since he had a meal out with her , even as part of a team dinner . And it would be a nice dinner at a good restaurant , not a casual meal at a steakhouse . Sam would be dressed up , and . . . . Daniel halted his steps . ' Dammit , why are you doing this to yourself ? There you were , just telling Mitchell that you were thinking about getting back into dating , to get a life , yet the second you have the opportunity to go out to a nice dinner with Sam - alone or otherwise - you forget all about your resolution to get over these feelings you have for her and find someone to spend what 's left of your life with . You know this can 't be any more than just a dinner with friends . Sam can never be anything more than a friend and teammate to you . ' For a long moment , Daniel stood unmoving , torn over what he should do . He 'd already told Sam and Mitchell that he would ask Vala about the dinner , so he shouldn 't go back on that . And it really wouldn 't hurt just to ask her . If she said no , then he 'd accept it and tell them that they 'd have to do the team dinner another day . " No , no . I 'm not canceling . It 's just that , uh , Sam was hoping that we could all have dinner together tonight , a team celebration . " " You still can . " Daniel blushed when he realized what he 'd just said . " I - I mean Mitchell suggested that we all go to that restaurant . Of course , I don 't even know if I can get reservations . We don 't have to if you don 't want to , Vala . I did promise you that we could go to dinner tonight . " " I see . " The woman studied Daniel 's expression for a moment longer . A brief flicker of disappointment passed over her features , then she smiled . " All right . That sounds like fun . " Vala smiled . " Of course I 'm sure , Daniel . I do admit that a dinner with just the two of us would be very nice , but we can do that another time , and this should be quite interesting . I 'm having a hard time imagining Teal ' c at a restaurant like that . " It turned out that Daniel and Vala would not get the opportunity . Teal ' c had been granted permission to go see Bra ' tac and Rya ' c for a short visit and to check up on how things were going with the Jaffa . So it would just be the four human members of SG - 1 going out to dinner that night . Daniel had managed to get a reservation for the same restaurant where he and Vala had their interrupted dinner several months ago . Hopefully , this time , they 'd actually get to eat . Daniel was now at home , looking through his closet , trying to decide which suit to wear . He pulled out the one he 'd bought a few months ago and hadn 't worn yet . The purchase had been at Sam 's suggestion . She 'd spotted the suit one day while passing a men 's store and apparently fell in love with it . She 'd mentioned it to Daniel , telling him he 'd look great in it . The next chance he got , he went to look at it . Fifteen minutes later , he was busy arranging for alterations to be made . Daniel knew that the only reason he bought it was that Sam liked it so well . It 's not like he needed another suit . He stroked the soft blue - grey material . But it was a very nice suit . An hour later , Daniel was dressed and heading for the SGC . He would be picking Vala up . The woman had been making noises about someone teaching her how to drive so that she could get a car , but the idea of Vala Mal Doran behind the wheel of an automobile was more than a little frightening , not to mention the thought of all the trouble she 'd get into if allowed to wander around in public alone . Just then , Sam arrived , and Daniel felt the breath whoosh right out of him . She was absolutely stunning . The black cocktail dress she wore was cut simply but in a way that accentuated her slender figure . Her hair was a soft mass of curls , her makeup done perfectly . " Really . " Vala studied the suit . " Yes , it is very nice . " She smiled at Daniel . " So , how many other things in your wardrobe were picked out by women , Daniel ? " The arrival of the waiter prevented any further comments on that subject . They ordered some wine and got busy deciding what they were going to get for dinner . Once their orders were taken , they all began to chat . Throughout the conversation , Daniel couldn 't stop himself from repeatedly glancing at Sam . She was always beautiful to him , but she was especially so tonight . Deep down inside , he wished that it was just the two of them here . Even if it wasn 't a date , it would still be wonderful . Daniel was not the only one who was aware of the direction his eyes kept taking . Cameron had noticed as well , and , judging by the look on Vala 's face , the pilot was sure she 'd also taken note of it . Oh , she was hiding it well , but she wasn 't looking quite as happy as she was earlier . Feeling a little sorry for her , Cameron struck up a one - on - one conversation with her . He had to wonder if Daniel and Sam even noticed since they were deep in a conversation of their own at that moment , most of which was going right over the pilot 's head . The food arrived , and everyone began to eat , although the two scientists kept right on talking between mouthfuls . Cameron had seen something like this before between the two of them , but that was at work when they were putting their heads together over a project . It appeared that they could be the same way outside of work as well . " Hey , don 't worry about it , " Cameron said . " Actually , it 's an educational experience . It 's interesting to find out that you two can be like this both at work and outside of work . " " Go off in our own world , " Sam finished . " General O ' Neill would always just stare at us or leave us alone to ' mind meld ' , as he once put it . " She smiled . " I remember the day Daniel and I met . We were in the . . . the map room , and we . . . well , I guess you could say we bonded while the colonel and Kawalsky just stood there and watched , not understanding a thing we said . " " Well , I 'd read his work , and I knew all about what he did for the , um , project . I could tell that he was brilliant , someone who could think outside the box . And I admired his courage for standing up for his beliefs . On top of that , Catherine had said lots of great things about him . " " Catherine Langford , " Sam replied . " She was in charge of the project for quite a while . In fact , she 's the one who pushed to get it started again after it was abandoned . " She sighed sadly . " I miss her . " Sam met Daniel 's eyes with a look of shared sorrow . She turned her hand over and curled her fingers around his , giving his hand a squeeze . When they turned back to the others , Daniel noticed an expression on Cameron 's face that he couldn 't read . Vala 's attention appeared to be on her food . " Well , we 'll have to do this again sometime and make sure Teal ' c can come , " Cameron responded . He turned to Vala . " Hey , I need to go back to the base for something . I 'd be happy to give you a lift , save Daniel here from having to make the trip . " " And don 't bother denying it , Jackson . I saw the way you looked at her tonight . You 're head over heels in love with that woman . And I 'm not the only one who noticed . " " Yes , Vala . I doubt that she 's going to be making any more moves on you after tonight . If she was as observant as me , she knows that your heart is already taken . " Cameron shrugged . " It 's your life , Jackson , but I think you 're making a mistake . I think it 's possible that Sam feels more for you than you believe she does . " Daniel looked at him sharply . " Wait a minute . You don 't really have something to do at the base , do you . You just said that so that Sam and I would be free to spend more time with each other . " " Bye , Cam , Vala , " Sam said . As they walked off , she turned to Daniel to see a little frown on his face . " What 's wrong ? Did you want to take Vala back ? I 'm sure that Cam would - " " Let 's not talk about that . It doesn 't matter . " Daniel gazed at Sam . He didn 't want the evening with her to end , especially now that it was just the two of them . " Um . . . would you like to go do something else ? " " My gosh . Has it ever . That 's really terrible , isn 't it ? So , what did you have in mind ? We can 't stay out too late . We both have to work tomorrow . " Sam gave Daniel some directions , and the two split up to go to their cars . With a feeling of excitement that he could not quash , Daniel followed the directions Sam had given him to a park . The place was deserted , of course , everyone having gone home hours ago . " Yes , it is . This isn 't the first time I 've been here at night . It 's especially nice in the summer , although there are sometimes other people around then . I like to come here to think . " They resumed walking . After a while , Sam linked her arm with Daniel 's . Enjoying the touch far more than he knew he should allow himself to , Daniel laid his hand over the one she now had on his forearm . " No . Don 't apologize . I know you did what you thought you had to . And , as strange as it may be since you have virtually no memory of that year , I think that your ascension helped you somehow , and I mean more than physically healing you . After you left , I thought a lot about that final year , and I realized that I 'd been blind to how unhappy you were . After you came back , you seemed more . . . content , or at least you did after you remembered the stuff about Erebus , and we saved Bra ' tac and Rya ' c . " " How true that is . " Sam laid her hand on his arm . " Thank you for the walk . It was . . . it was very nice . " She leaned forward and kissed Daniel 's cheek , which surprised the hell out of him . Daniel stared at her for a heart - stopping moment , then , before he could stop himself , he pressed his lips against hers . The sharp gasp from Sam was like a bucket of cold water on him . He took a quick step back . " Sam , I 'm so sorry . I shouldn 't have done that . I just . . . . " He backed up another step . " I 'm sorry . We . . . we should go home . " Cursing himself for what he 'd just done , Daniel went to the driver 's side of his car and opened it . But , before he could get in , a hand on his arm made him turn around . And then Sam 's mouth was on his . Daniel 's shock was burned away within a second . He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her flush against his body as his other hand tangled in the golden mass of her hair . There was no nervousness , no hesitation to the kiss . It was deep , and hungry , and shockingly intense . Daniel spun them around and pressed Sam up against his car . He heard her make a sound sort of like a whimper and thought he 'd hurt her , but then she grabbed onto him even tighter , grinding her hips against his . Daniel groaned and couldn 't stop his own hips from responding . He was very quickly approaching the point of no return , when he would find it impossible to stop . Recognizing that , he broke away from her lips . " God , Sam , " he rasped , breathing heavily . He stared into her eyes , feeling a little shell - shocked . " I didn 't think . . . . I thought you . . . . " He didn 't think it would have been possible , but that kiss was even more passionate than the last . Sam was ravishing his mouth , and he was doing likewise to hers . He didn 't realize that she had somehow unlocked the back door until it was open , and he was falling with her upon the back seat . Daniel moaned at the feeling of having Sam lying beneath him . He heard an answering moan from her . His hand went inside her coat to her hips and bottom , then slid down further . He soon came to bare skin and realized that her dress had hiked up . His hand slipped beneath it and traveled back up her body , making Sam gasp with pleasure . She began yanking at his suit jacket in an effort to get it off . His hands were shaking as he drove , and it was proving very difficult to keep his attention on the road . He and Sam were going to her place to make love . My God . This was actually happening . After nearly four years of wanting this so badly , it was really going to happen . Daniel didn 't question why or how he could have been so wrong about Sam . He didn 't want to question or analyze it . It was happening . It was real . That 's all that mattered . As he pulled up in front of Sam 's place , Daniel admitted to himself that he was scared . He was so afraid that something was going to happen to ruin this . More than that , he was afraid that , when morning came , Sam would decide that they 'd made a huge mistake . If that happened , it would break his heart . Five seconds after the door was shut behind them , Sam 's coat was on the floor and they were back in each other 's arms , kissing ravenously . Daniel lifted Sam up , and she wrapped her legs around him . Moments later , they were on the bed , Daniel 's steamed up glasses having come off somewhere along the way . This time , there was no struggle to get Daniel 's suit jacket off . It was on the floor within seconds , followed very shortly by his tie and shirt . He grabbed hold of the hem of Sam 's dress and pulled it upward . She lifted her body up to aid in its removal . Daniel 's gaze slid down Sam 's nearly naked body . " You 're so beautiful , " he whispered . He lowered his mouth to the soft swell of her breasts above her bra . Sam moaned and arched her back , the move a clear invitation for him to do more . Daniel slid his hand underneath the bra and scooped one of her breasts out of its lacy prison . He ran his tongue over the hardened nipple , tasting her for the first time . " Oh , God ! " Sam cried out . She grasped his head , pushing it closer to her breast . Knowing what she wanted , what he wanted , Daniel opened his mouth and took her in . She was making that half - whimpering , half - moaning sound again , rocking upward against him . He was now fully on top of her , her legs bracketing his hips . So lost in what he was doing , Daniel wasn 't even aware that Sam had been working on the fastening of his pants until her hand was suddenly inside . He cried out as she touched him . Her hand on him sent him over the edge of reason . He managed to get his pants and boxers off , his shoes already gone . Seconds later , Sam 's bra was off , followed by her panties . And then he was back on top of her , skin against skin , heat against heat . Very soon , Daniel reached the point where he couldn 't wait any longer . He pulled Sam 's head up and consumed her mouth as , with a quick movement , he plunged deep inside her . Their mutual cries were drowned within the caverns of each other 's mouths . Daniel had dreamed of many different ways that he 'd make love to Sam , but nothing could have prepared him for the wild , uncontrollable explosion of passion that consumed him upon feeling himself at last within her body . Taking this slowly would be out of the question . Fortunately , Sam seemed to be in the same condition . Their lovemaking was fast and intense , Sam matching him move for move , her soft cries and deep moans echoing in Daniel 's ears . Too many years had passed since the last time he was with a woman for him to have any hope of making it last , and , all too soon , he felt himself racing toward the edge . Wanting Sam to come with him , he reached between them to touch her , but there was no need . With a little scream , she suddenly began quaking in his arms , her whole body tightened around him . Feeling her reach her climax sent Daniel rocketing over the precipice with a cry of his own , coming so hard that his mind blacked out for a moment . They soon quieted . Daniel 's lips came down upon Sam 's in a long , slow , very thorough kiss that was probably a lot more possessive than he 'd intended . But he couldn 't help himself . Sam was his , for this night and , he prayed , for the rest of his life . As their lips separated , Daniel met Sam 's eyes . He brushed his fingertips across her cheek , looking for some sign of regret . In her eyes he saw only happiness and . . . . Daniel 's slowing heart began speeding back up . Could it really be or was he imagining it , hope creating an illusion of his greatest desire ? It was quite a while before their mouths separated . Daniel moved off Sam and lay down beside her . She turned and pulled him tight against her , her leg hooking over his thigh to bring him close from head to toe . They lay like that in silence for several minutes . Daniel couldn 't believe how happy he felt , how utterly , wonderfully happy . He 'd forgotten what it was like to feel like this . It had been so very long . Sam ran her hand up and down his back . " It was for a long time . I finally put those feelings away for good after he left for Washington , and I was in R & D . I knew that it was never going to happen between us , not even if he retired . The thing is that , during those months I was in Nevada , it wasn 't Jack that I missed the most ; it was you . I thought about you a lot . I looked forward to every one of your phone calls and emails . When Cam told me that you were in a coma , I almost panicked . I was all set to hop on the next available transport , but we were in the middle of a very delicate project , and my superiors refused to let me go . I was so pissed off that I came really close to resigning right then and there . " " I was tempted to go over their heads and contact General O ' Neill , but I learned that he was with the president . Then Cam called and said you were okay . But I didn 't really relax until you called and assured me that you really were all right . " Sam began running her fingers over Daniel 's chest , her gaze focused upon it . " But it wasn 't until after Vala came back from the Ori galaxy that I realized how I felt about you . I was really jealous of her . " " I know so . I was already having dreams and fantasies about us being together . I probably shouldn 't tell you this , but , when you were dressed in that leather outfit , it was really hard not to stare . " That made Daniel laugh outright . " I was having the same problem . And let 's just say that those leather pants were feeling even tighter than they normally would have . " Daniel met her gaze . " Sam , even if you 'd known , it wouldn 't have made a difference , except perhaps to put a strain on our friendship . You didn 't have those kinds of feelings for me back then . " " I don 't know . I can 't say that for sure . Maybe if I 'd known , I 'd have started thinking differently about you . " " I don 't want to think about ' maybes ' , Sam , or what might have been . " He caressed her cheek . " I have you now . Nothing else matters . " Daniel tilted her head up so that he could look into her eyes . " I don 't know what those fifty years on the Odyssey were like , what may have happened , but I do know what I want for the fifty years that have yet to happen . I want to spend them with you . " Despite the fact that neither one of them got very much sleep that night , both Daniel and Sam were feeling energized the next day . As soon as Cameron saw them , he knew that something big had happened . He managed to get Daniel alone a couple of hours later . " Oh ho ! Your love life , eh ? " Cameron grinned . " Well , well , well . I 'm glad to hear that you took my advice . " Daniel stared at him . " Aren 't you worried that Landry will make one of us leave SG - 1 ? I may be a civilian , but I doubt that the military will like the idea of teammates being involved with each other . " " Daniel , with the Ori threat still out there , there 's no way that they 'll make you leave SG - 1 , and I really don 't think they 'd want to kick Sam off either . They know how important the two of you are . Beside , I 'm betting that General O ' Neill will go to bat for you . " It turned out that Cameron was right . Though Landry wasn 't pleased at first , he came to accept Sam and Daniel 's new relationship . Jack , though initially surprised , didn 't have a problem with it and became their advocate , convincing the president that the change in their relationship wouldn 't interfere with their effectiveness on the team . He and Daniel had a long talk , during which Jack revealed that he 'd stopped feeling anything more than friendship for Sam years ago . Vala showed no surprise at all when she found out , which confirmed that she had , indeed , realized that Daniel was in love with Sam . She said very little about the whole thing , though she did congratulate them . Daniel had hoped that he was the only one to see the trace of sadness in her eyes , but the fact that Cameron paid a lot of attention to her for the rest of that day and seemed to go out of his way to make her laugh told Daniel that the Air Force pilot had seen the sorrow , too . Strangely , the one who appeared to be surprised the most was Teal ' c . When he returned to Earth to the news that Daniel and Sam were now a couple , he failed to hide the look of surprise that flashed across his face . Several times , Daniel caught the Jaffa staring at him , then looking at Vala . " There is a reason for my surprise , one of which you are unaware . Before I tell you this reason , I must ask you a question . What are your feelings for Vala Mal Doran ? " Teal ' c nodded . " What I am about to tell you may surprise you , then . When we were trapped onboard the Odyssey , you entered into a romantic relationship with Vala Mal Doran . That relationship survived throughout the duration of our imprisonment in the time dilation field . Based upon what I saw , I had believed that you were content in the relationship . " " Well , I am surprised , but not all that much . You see , Teal ' c , I was certain that Sam and I could never be together , that she could never feel that way about me . I never even dared to see if I might be wrong . A while ago , I finally decided that it was time for me to put my feelings for Sam away and find someone to share my life with . Vala . . . well , she has feelings for me . She 's , um , hit on me more than once . I 've always turned her down before , but maybe I finally decided to go for it . Considering how I was feeling at the time we left on the Odyssey , it wouldn 't surprise me if that was the case . " Daniel flushed . Talking with Teal ' c about sex was certainly not something he 'd ever have thought he 'd be doing . " Uh . . . I can 't say for sure since I have no memories of any of that , but , if it lasted fifty years , obviously , there was more to it than just the sex . Like I said , I care about Vala very much , and maybe , in time , I grew to love her in some way . I don 't know . What I am certain of is that , now that I have Sam , I could never want Vala like that . I could never love her like that . It wouldn 't be possible . " " I will tell no one , Daniel Jackson . Now that I know the truth of your feelings , I wish to offer blessings on your relationship with Colonel Carter . I have seen the great joy on your face and upon hers . In truth , it is a depth of happiness that I never saw during those years on the Odyssey . I hope that you and Colonel Carter will have at least as many years together as you had with Vala Mal Doran . " From his place on the recliner , Daniel watched the people in the living room , a secret smile on his face . Though most of them didn 't know it , today was a special day in more ways than one . Fifty years ago today , Daniel 's relationship with Sam , the love of his life , took that step beyond friendship and into what it came to be . In six months , they 'd be celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary . " Grandpa , grandpa ! Look ! " cried a little voice . Five - year - old Beth came running up and clambered onto Daniel 's lap . She showed him what was in her hand . " Wow , that 's a very pretty piece of milky quartz , sweetheart . You see that gold stuff ? That 's pyrite . It 's sometimes called Fool 's Gold . " " Okay . " Beth slid off Daniel 's lap and scampered over to Sam , who oohed and ahhed over the quartz , giving Daniel a smile over the child 's head . The smile filled him with joy , just as it always did . Fifty years , and his love for her had not dimmed even the slightest . These years had brought a lot of pain and heartache , but they had also brought a lot of happiness . Daniel smiled at the thought of his firstborn , as beautiful as her mother and equally as smart . Both of their kids had been blessed with well above average intelligence . David had equaled his father 's three PhD 's and was a valuable member of the Stargate Program , which was still running after all these years , though it had finally been made public and was now primarily used for the advancement of humankind , the way Daniel had always hoped it would someday be . Vala slapped his arm . " That 's not true . Our grandchildren are all angels . They 're just spirited . " She smiled . " They get that from me . " Daniel smiled at the show of affection . Their relationship had been a surprise to him when it happened . He 'd never have expected the two of them to get together . But , as far as he knew , they 'd been happy all these years . The fact that they were still together after forty - seven years of marriage must mean that they 'd done something right . Daniel rose from his chair and shook the young man 's hand . " Yes , we are . Being chosen as one of the students to go on that dig on Mydaria is something to be very proud of . Professor Stafford was selecting only the best and brightest . It 's a very important dig . " " Well , she 's going to miss you , " Sam responded . " It was the same way for us with your father . " She put her arm around Daniel 's waist , gazing at him lovingly . " But we wouldn 't have changed a thing . " Half an hour later , everyone was gathered in the big dining room , with Daniel seated at the head of the table . He got to his feet , his eyes scanning the faces before him . Into his mind 's eye came the faces of the people who were not there , friends and family lost or unable to attend : Mark , Sam 's brother , whose ill health had prevented him from coming , General Hammond and Landry , both of them passed on many years ago , Teal ' c , who had returned to the Jaffa , married Ishta , and became a leader to his people , and Jack , gone these eight years and whom Daniel still missed to this day . Every one of them was missed . But today was not a day for sorrow ; it was one for celebration . " Today , we 're here to celebrate Danny 's selection to participate in the Mydarian dig , " he said . " I can 't tell you how proud his grandmother and I are . We know that this is only one event in what we are sure will be an amazing and fulfilling life . " Daniel smiled . " There is something else about today that most of you do not know . " His eyes met those of his wife . " Fifty years ago today , Sam and I , after ten years of friendship , became more than friends and started a new life together . I can 't imagine any fifty years being happier or more fulfilling than these years I 've had with her and the family we created together . " Daniel picked up his glass of wine . " So , today , I 'd like to propose a toast to both my grandson , Danny , and to that day fifty years ago , the day that made this day possible . " Daniel looked over at Vala . " Yeah , pretty big . All I 'll say is that those years on the Odyssey apparently did bring some happiness to me . I had a better life than one would have expected under those circumstances . " His gaze went to Sam . " But these fifty years , they gave me everything I could possibly have wanted . I witnessed the end of the Ori . I saw the program made public and accepted by the world . My theories about the pyramids were publicly vindicated . " " Those things don 't matter . They 're not what 's important . " Daniel 's eyes returned to his wife , who was on the couch with their youngest grandchild in her lap . Cameron looked at Vala , who smiled back at him . " Me too . " He patted Daniel on the back . " Come on , old man . Let 's go dig us up a couple of beers and reminisce about the good old days , like men our age are supposed to do . Then you can tell me all about your plans for getting the Ancients to ascend you yet again when it 's finally your time to check out once and for all . " Stargate SG - 1 , its characters and all related entities are the property of Stargate SG - 1 Productions ( II ) Inc . , MGM Worldwide Television Productions Inc . , Double Secret Productions , Gekko Film Corp and Showtime Networks Inc / The SciFi Channel . No copyright infringement is intended . This website , its operators , and any content on this site relating to Stargate SG - 1 , its characters , or its distributors is not authorized by MGM , Stargate SG - 1 Productions ( II ) Inc . , or any personnel associated with Stargate SG - 1 . All fan fiction , original artwork and photographs on this Web site are protected under copyright law and are the property of their creators , who retain all rights . All rules governing the unauthorized usage of copyrighted materials apply . The fan fiction , original artwork and photographs on this Web site may not be copied in any way except as expressly allowed by the owner . They may not be copied , in whole or in part , for the purpose of publication in any manner or form without the written permission of the owner . This includes , but is not limited to , placement of the text or images on another Web site . The stories included on this site are not intended for commercial profit . |
Letitia lived in the same house where her grandmother and her great - grandmother had lived and died . Her own parents died when she was very young , and she had come there to live with her Great - aunt Peggy . Her Great - aunt Peggy was her grandfather 's sister , and was a very old woman . However , she was very active and bright , and good company for Letitia . That was fortunate , because there were no little girls of Letitia 's age nearer than a mile . The one maid - servant whom Aunt Peggy kept was older than she , and had chronic rheumatism in the right foot and left shoulder - blade , which affected her temper . Letitia 's Great - aunt Peggy used to play grace - hoops with her , and dominoes and checkers , and even dolls . Sometimes it was hard for Letitia to realize that she was not another little girl . Her Aunt Peggy was very kind to her and fond of her , and took care of her as well as her own mother could have done . Letitia had all the care and comforts and pleasant society that she really needed , but she was not a very contented little girl . She was naturally rather idle , and her Aunt Peggy , who was a wise old woman and believed thoroughly in the proverb about Satan and idle hands , would keep her always busy at something . If she were not playing , she had to sew or study or dust , or read a stent in a story - book . Letitia had very nice story - books , but she was not particularly fond of reading . She liked best of anything to sit quite idle , and plan what she would like to do if she could have her wish - and that her Aunt Peggy would not allow . Letitia was not satisfied with her dolls and little treasures . She wanted new ones . She wanted fine clothes like one little girl , and plenty of candy like another . When Letitia went to school she always came home more dissatisfied . She wanted her room newly furnished , and thought the furniture in the whole house very shabby . She disliked to rise so early in the morning . She did not like to take a walk every day , and besides everything else to make her discontented , there was the little green door , which she must never open and pass through . The house where Letitia lived was , of course , a very old one . It had a roof , saggy and mossy , gray shingles in the walls , lilac bushes half hiding the great windows , and a well - sweep in the yard . It was quite a large house , and there were sheds and a great barn attached to it , but they were all on the side . At the back of the house the fields stretched away for acres , and there were no outbuildings . The little green door was at the very back of the house , toward the fields , in a room opening out of the kitchen . It was called the cheese - room , because Letitia 's grandmother , who had made cheeses , had kept them there . She fancied she could smell cheese , though none had been there for years , and it was used now only for a lumber - room . She always sniffed hard for cheese , and then she eyed the little green door with wonder and longing . It was a small green door , scarcely higher than her head . A grown person could not have passed through without stooping almost double . It was very narrow , too , and no one who was not slender could have squeezed through it . In this door there was a little black keyhole , with no key in it , but it was always locked . Letitia knew that her Aunt Peggy kept the key in some very safe place , but she would never show it to her , nor unlock the door . Sometimes , when Aunt Peggy was not by , Letitia would tease the old maid - servant about the little green door , but she always seemed both cross and stupid , and gave her no satisfaction . She even seemed to think there was no little green door there ; but that was nonsense , because Letitia knew there was . Her curiosity grew greater and greater ; she took every chance she could get to steal into the cheese - room and shake the door softly , but it was always locked . She even tried to look through the key - hole , but she could see nothing . One thing puzzled her more than all , and that was that the little green door was on the inside of the house only , and not on the outside . When Letitia went out in the field behind the house , there was nothing but the blank wall to be seen . There was no sign of a door in it . But the cheese - room was certainly the last room in the house , and the little green door was in the rear wall . When Letitia asked her Great - aunt Peggy to explain that , she only got the same answer : Letitia studied the little green door more than she studied her lesson - books , but she never got any nearer the solution of the mystery , until one Sunday morning in January . It was a very cold day , and she had begged hard to stay home from church . Her Aunt Peggy and the maid - servant , old as they were , were going , but Letitia shivered and coughed a little and pleaded , and finally had her own way . After Aunt Peggy and the old servant , in their great cloaks and bonnets and fur tippets , had gone out of the yard and down the road , Letitia sat quiet for fifteen minutes or so , hunting in the Bible for easy texts ; then suddenly she thought of the little green door , and wondered , as she had done so many times before , if it could possibly be opened . She laid down her Bible and stole out through the kitchen to the cheese - room and tried the door . It was locked just as usual . " Oh , dear ! " sighed Letitia , and was ready to cry . It seemed to her that this little green door was the very worst of all her trials ; that she would rather open that and see what was beyond than have all the nice things she wanted and had to do without . She did not wait a minute . She was so naughty that she dared not wait for fear she should remember that she ought to be good . She ran out of the cheese - room , through the kitchen and sitting - room , to her aunt 's bedroom , and opened the bureau drawer , and then the satin - wood box . It contained some bits of old lace , an old brooch , a yellow letter , some other things which she did not examine , and , sure enough , a little black key on a green ribbon . Letitia had not a doubt that it was the key of the little green door . She trembled all over , she panted for breath , she was so frightened , but she did not hesitate . She took the key and ran back to the cheese - room . She did not stop to shut the satin - wood box or the bureau drawer . She was so cold and her hands shook so that she had some difficulty in fitting the key into the lock of the little green door ; but at last she succeeded , and turned it quite easily . Then , for a second , she hesitated ; she was almost afraid to open the door ; she put her hand on the latch and drew it back . It seemed to her , too , that she heard strange , alarming sounds on the other side . Finally , with a great effort of her will , she unlatched the little green door , and flung it open and ran out . Then she gave a scream of surprise and terror , and stood still staring . She did not dare stir nor breathe . She was not in the open fields which she had always seen behind the house . She was in the midst of a gloomy forest of trees so tall that she could just see the wintry sky through their tops . She was hemmed in , too , by a wide , hooping undergrowth of bushes and brambles , all stiff with snow . There was something dreadful and ghastly about this forest , which had the breathless odor of a cellar . And suddenly Letitia heard again those strange sounds she had heard before coming out , and she knew that they were savage whoops of Indians , just as she had read about them in her history - book , and she saw also dark forms skulking about behind the trees , as she had read . Letitia gasped . She could not believe her eyes . She ran out into the path and down it a little way , but there was no house . The dreadful yells sounded nearer . She looked wildly at the undergrowth beside the path , wondering if she could hide under that , when suddenly she heard a gun - shot and the tramp of a horse 's feet . She sprang aside just as a great horse , with a woman and two little girls on his back , came plunging down the bridle - path and passed her . Then there was another gun - shot , and a man , with a wide cape flying back like black wings , came rushing down the path . Letitia gave a little cry , and he heard her . " Who are you ? " he cried breathlessly . Then , without waiting for an answer , he caught her up and bore her along with him . " Don 't speak , " he panted in her ear . " The Indians are upon us , but we 're almost home ! " Letitia was so dazed that she scarcely knew what happened for the next few minutes . She saw there a pale - faced woman and three girls , one about her own age , two a little younger . She saw , to her great amazement , the horse tied in the corner . She saw that the door was of mighty thickness , and , moreover , hasped with iron and studded with great iron nails , so that some rattling blows that were rained upon it presently had no effect . She saw three guns set in loopholes in the walls , and the man , the woman , and the girl of her own age firing them , with great reports which made the house quake , while the younger girls raced from one to the other with powder and bullets . Still , she was not sure she saw right , it was all so strange . She stood back in a corner , out of the way , and waited , trembling , and at last the fierce yells outside died away , and the firing stopped . Then Letitia realized what she had not done before , that all the daylight was shut out of the house ; that they had for light only one tallow candle and a low hearth fire . It was very cold . Letitia began to shiver with cold as well as fear . Letitia gave a great jump . There was something very strange about this . Letitia Hopkins was a family name . Her grandmother , her father 's mother , had been Letitia Hopkins , and she had always heard that the name could be traced back in the same order for generations , as the Hopkinses had intermarried . She looked up , trembling , at the man who had saved her from the Indians . Letitia gasped . That settled it . Captain John Hopkins was her great - great - great - grandfather . Great - aunt Peggy had often told her about him . He had been a notable man in his day , among the first settlers , and many a story concerning him had come down to his descendants . A queer miniature of him , in a little gilt frame , hung in the best parlor , and Letitia had often looked at it . She had thought from the first that there was something familiar about the man 's face , and now she recognized the likeness to the miniature . Letitia looked up in the faces , all staring wonderingly at her , and all of them had that familiar look , though she had no miniature of the others . Suddenly she knew that it was a likeness to her own face which she recognized , and it was as if she saw herself in a looking - glass . She felt as if her head was turning round and round , and presently her feet began to follow the motion of her head , then strong arms caught her , or she would have fallen . When Letitia came to herself again , she was in a great feather bed , in the unfinished loft of the log - house . The wind blew in her face , a great star shone in her eyes . She thought at first she was out of doors . Then she heard a kind but commanding voice repeating : " Open your mouth , " and stared up wildly into her great - great - great - grandmother 's face , then around the strange little garret , lighted with a wisp of rag in a pewter dish of tallow , and the stars shining through the crack in the logs . Not a bit of furniture was there in the room , besides the bed and an oak chest . Some queer - looking garments hung about on pegs and swung in the draughts of the wind . It must have been snowing outside , for little piles of snow were scattered here and there about the room . Letitia went to sleep . There might have been something quieting to the nerves in the good physic . She was awakened a little later by her great - great - grandmother and her two great - great - aunts coming to bed . They were to sleep with her . There were only two beds in Captain John Hopkins 's house . Letitia had never slept four in a bed before . There was not much room . She had to turn herself about crosswise , and then her toes stuck into the icy air , unless she kept them well pulled up . But soon she fell asleep again . " Oh , it 's nothing but a catamount . Go to sleep again , " said her great - great - grandmother sleepily . Her great - great - aunt , Phyllis , the youngest of them all , laughed on the other side . Both the great - great - aunts were awake ; they all listened , scarcely breathing . The yells came again , but fainter ; then again , and fainter still . Letitia 's great - great - grandmother settled back in bed again . " Hasten and dress yourself , " said Goodwife Hopkins . " Here are some of Letitia 's garments I have laid out for you . Those which you wore here I have put away in the chest . They are too gay , and do not befit a sober , God - fearing damsel . " With that , Goodwife Hopkins descended to the room below , and Letitia dressed herself . It did not take her long . There was not much to put on beside a coarse wool petticoat and a straight little wool gown , rough yarn stockings , and such shoes as she had never seen . " I couldn 't run from Injuns in these , " thought Letitia miserably . When she got downstairs she discovered what the buzzing noise was . Her great - great - grandmother was spinning . Her great - great - aunt Candace was knitting , and little Phyllis was scouring the hearth . Goodwife Hopkins was preparing breakfast . " You must have been strangely brought up , " said Goodwife Hopkins . " Well , take this stocking and round out the toe . There will be just about time enough for that before breakfast . " Her great - great - grandmother and her great - great - aunts made shocked exclamations , and her great - great - great - grandmother looked at her with horror . " You have been brought up as one of the heathen , " said she . Then she produced a small book , and Letitia was bidden to seat herself upon a stool and learn the doctrine of predestination before breakfast . The kitchen was lighted only by one tallow candle and the firelight , for it was still far from dawn . Letitia drew her little stool close to the hearth , and bent anxiously over the fire - lit page . She committed to memory easily , and repeated the text like a frightened parrot when she was called upon . Letitia , having completed her task , was given her breakfast . It was only a portion of corn - meal porridge in a pewter plate . She had never had such a strange breakfast in her life , and she did not like corn - meal . She sat with it untasted before her . Letitia ate the porridge , every grain of it . After breakfast the serious work of the day began . Letitia had never known anything like it . She felt like a baby who had just come into a new world . She was ignorant of everything that these strange relatives knew . It made no difference that she knew some things which they did not , some advanced things . She could , for instance , crochet , if she could not knit . She could repeat the multiplication - table , if she did not know the doctrine of predestination ; she had also all the States of the Union by heart . But advanced knowledge is not of as much value in the past as past knowledge in the future . She could not crochet , because there was no crochet needles ; there were no States of the Union ; and it seemed doubtful if there was a multiplication - table , there was so little to multiply . So Letitia had set herself to acquiring the wisdom of her ancestors . She learned to card , and hetchel , and spin and weave . She learned to dye cloth , and make coarse garments , even for her great - great - great - grandfather , Captain John Hopkins . She knitted yarn stockings , she scoured brass and pewter , and , more than all , she learned the entire catechism . Letitia had never really known what work was . From long before dawn until long after dark , she toiled . She was not allowed to spend one idle moment . She had no chance to steal out and search for the little green door , even had she not been so afraid of wild beasts and Indians . She never went out of the house except on the Sabbath day . Then , in fair or foul weather , they all went to meeting , ten miles through the dense forest . Captain John Hopkins strode ahead , his gun over his shoulder . Goodwife Hopkins rode the gray horse , and the girls rode by turns , two at a time , clinging to the pillion at her back . Letitia was never allowed to wear her own pretty plain dress , with the velvet collar , even to meeting . " It would create a scandal in the sanctuary , " said Goodwife Hopkins . So Letitia went always in the queer little coarse and scanty gown , which seemed to her more like a bag than anything else ; and for outside wraps she had - of all things - a homespun blanket pinned over her head . Her great - great - grandmother and her great - great - aunts were all fitted out in a similar fashion . Goodwife Hopkins , however , had a great wadded hood and a fine red cloak . There was never any fire in the meeting - house , and the services lasted all day , with a short recess at noon , during which they went into a neighboring house , sat round the fire , warmed their half frozen feet , and ate cold corn - cakes and pan - cakes for luncheon . There were no pews in the meeting - house , nothing but hard benches without backs . If Letitia fidgetted , or fell asleep , the tithing - men rapped her . Letitia would never have been allowed to stay away from meeting , had she begged to do so , but she never did . She was afraid to stay alone in the house because of Indians . She grew more and more homesick as the days went on . They were all kind to her , and she became fond of them , especially of the great - great - grandmother of her own age , and the little great - great - aunts , but they seldom had any girlish sports together . Goodwife Hopkins kept them too busily at work . Once in a while , as a special treat , they were allowed to play bean - porridge - hot for fifteen minutes . They were not allowed to talk after they went to bed , and there was little opportunity for girlish confidences . However , there came a day at last when Captain Hopkins and his wife were called away to visit a sick neighbor , some twelve miles distant , and the four girls were left in charge of the house . At seven o ' clock the two younger went to bed , and Letitia and her great - great - grandmother remained up to wait for the return of their elders , as they had been instructed . Then it was that the little great - great - grandmother showed Letitia her treasures . She had only two , and was not often allowed to look at them , lest they wean her heart away from more serious things . They were kept in a secret drawer of the great chest for safety , and were nothing but a little silver snuff - box with a picture on the top , and a little flat glass bottle , about an inch and a half long . Letitia tried to count how many " greats " belonged to the ancestors who had first owned these treasures , but it made her dizzy . She had never told the story of the little green door to any of them . She had been afraid to , knowing how shocked they would be at her disobedience . Now , however , when the treasure was replaced , she was moved in confidence , and told her great - great - grandmother the story . " That is very strange , " said her great - great - grandmother , when Letitia had finished . " We have a little green door , too ; only ours is on the outside of the house , in the north wall . There 's a spruce tree growing close up against it that hides it , but it is there . Our parents have forbidden us to open it , too , and we have never disobeyed . " " I should never think of disobeying my parents , and opening the little green door , " remarked her great - great - grandmother , as she put back the key in the drawer . " I should think something dreadful would happen to me . I have heard it whispered that the door opened into the future . It would be dreadful to be all alone in the future , without one 's kins - folk . " After that there was silence between the two , and possibly also a little coldness . Letitia knitted and her great - great - grandmother knitted . Letitia also thought shrewdly . She had very little doubt that the key which she had just been shown might unlock another little green door , and admit her to her past which was her ancestors ' future , but she realized that it was beyond her courage , even if she had the opportunity , to take it , and use it provided she could find the second little green door . She had been so frightfully punished for disobedience , that she dared not risk a second attempt . Then too how could she tell whether the second little green door would admit her to her grandmother 's cheese - room ? She felt so dizzy over what had happened , that she was not even sure that two and two made four , and b - o - y spelt boy , although she had mastered such easy facts long ago . Letitia had arrived at the point wherein she did not know what she knew , and therefore , she resolved that she would not use that other little key with the green ribbon , if she had a chance . She shivered at the possibilities which it might involve . Suppose she were to open the second little green door and be precipitated head first into a future far from the one which had merged into the past , and be more at a loss than now . She might find the conditions of life even more impossible than in her great - great - great - grandfather 's log cabin with hostile Indians about . It might , as her great - great - grandmother Letitia had said , be much worse . So she knitted soberly , and the other Letitia knitted , and neither spoke , and there was not a sound except the crackling of the hearth fire and bubbling of water in a large iron pot which swung from the crane , until suddenly there was a frantic pounding at the door , and a sound as if somebody were hurled against it . Both Letitias started to their feet . Letitia turned pale , but her great - great - grandmother Letitia looked as usual . She approached the door , and spoke quite coolly . " Who may be without ? " said she . When Letitia turned around she saw a little boy of about her own age who looked strangely familiar to her . He was clad in homespun of a bright copperas color , and his hair was red , cut in a perfectly round rim over his forehead . He had big blue eyes , which were bulging with terror . He drew a sigh of relief as he looked at the two girls . " Yes , something , " agreed the boy . " It is a good knife . My father killed a big Injun and took it only last week . It is a scalping knife . " The boy straightened himself . He saw the other Letitia and his blue eyes were full of admiration and bravery . " Of course I know how , " said he . " Haven 't I killed ten wolves and aren 't their heads nailed to the outside of the meeting - house ? " Great - great - grandmother Letitia sniffed . " You are the greatest braggart in the Precinct , " said she . " Nary a wolf have you killed , and you ran because you heard a wild cat or a bear . Where are the Injuns , pray ? " Great - great - grandmother Letitia took up a musket decidedly . " Very well , " said she , " if you can handle a musket like a man , here be the chance . Take this musket , and I will take one , and Letitia will take one , and we will leave the door ajar , so we can dash in if hard - pressed , and we will keep watch lest father and mother be attacked unawares at the threshold . " " A pine knot , and Injuns around , and you with naught but a scalping knife ? ' Tis not bravery but tomfoolery , " said the elder Letitia . " I 'll warrant you stole out without the knowledge of Goodman Cephas Holbrook and Mistress Holbrook , and they having taken you in as they did and given you food and shelter , with nine of their own to care for , and not knowing of a certainty who you might be . " " It was out of the window in the lean - to you got , and ran away , " declared the elder Letitia severely . " You are not a boy to be trusted . You can remain here with Letitia , and I will stand guard a little way down the path ; and do not speak above a whisper , although I be sure there be none but catamounts to hear . " Letitia pondered . The name sounded very familiar to her , just as the boy 's face had looked . Then suddenly she remembered . " When I was a little girl , " she whispered , " not more than seven - I am going on ten now - I knew a little boy named Joe Peabody , and he was visiting his grandmother , Mrs . Joe Peabody . She lives about half a mile from my Aunt Peggy 's around the corner of the road . It is a big white house next to the graveyard . " " That was me , " said the boy . " At least , " he added in rather a dazed and hopeless tone , " I suppose it was , and I guess I remember you too . You had curls , and we went coasting down that long hill near Grandmother 's together . " " Since I have been here , " whispered the boy , " I haven 't been exactly sure who I was and that is the truth . The folks where I am staying are real good . They go to meeting all day Sunday and they don 't work Saturday nights , but I can 't understand it . We have to make all the things I have seen already made , for one thing . " " And Mr . Cephas Holbrook has just the name that my great - great - great - uncle on my mother 's side had , " said the boy , in a whisper so puzzled that it was fairly agonized . " Grandmother has told me about him . He had a battle with six Injuns and killed them all himself , and this Mr . Cephas Holbrook has done just that same thing . And he killed ten wolves and nailed their heads to the meeting - house . Say , " the boy continued confidentially , " those were the heads I meant , you know . " " Why , I came from Mr . Cephas Holbrook 's . It 's about ten miles away on that side . " The boy pointed in the dark . " I had to if I came at all . I don 't get any time to see my traps day - times . I have to work . I have to chop wood , and make wooden pegs . I never saw wooden pegs , till - till I came here . I have to work all day . Eliphalet Holbrook , he 's a boy about my size , got out of the window one night , when it was moonlight , and we set traps , and we haven 't either of us had a chance to look at them and see if we 've caught anything ; but to - night , I had a cold and they sent me to bed early and I whispered to Eliphalet , that I 'd see those traps ; and I had a pine knot , and I run and run , but I couldn 't find the traps . " " They say Injuns here . Then I heard them , and I run the rest of the way , and then I saw your light . Are you one of Captain John Hopkins ' children ? " Suddenly Letitia felt a hard little boy - hand clutch hers in the dark . The boy 's voice whispered forcibly in her ear . " Say , " said the voice , " did you - did you get here , I wonder , in some queer way just as I did ? " " Yes , it was a book . I didn 't know it at first . I thought it was just a wooden box up in Grandmother Peabody 's garret , and it was always locked , and Grandmother Peabody said I was never to ask any questions about it , and never to try to open it . I expect she was afraid I might try to pick the lock . Then I began to suspect that it was a book , and then I found the key . I stayed at home from meeting just like you , and I had a cold . My father had died , and I had come to live with Grandmother Peabody . " " I do , " said Josephus Peabody . " I ain 't afraid of anything that ain 't bigger and stronger than I am , honest , and I have killed one wolf my own self . That is true , but I didn 't kill the others . I told that because that other girl was turning up her nose so at me . But I don 't like to live here at all . I used to complain when I was Joe instead of Josephus , and had to learn lessons , and do errands . But this is worse than anything I ever dreamed about when I had the nightmare . " " That is the way I feel , " said Letitia soberly . " I used to complain , but I wouldn 't now . I 've been living back of complaints too long . " " There 's something I want to tell you that 's very queer , " whispered Josephus . " There is a wooden book just like the one in Mr . Holbrook 's house under the eaves in the lean - to , and I know where the key is . It is in the chest in the kitchen , in the till hidden under a lot of linen night - caps . " " That 's the way I feel . Otherwise we might both watch our chance and go through that wooden book in our lean - to , but we might find ourselves in Grandmother Peabody 's garret where I came from , and we might find ourselves in a place full of worse wild animals than there are here , and things worse than Injuns . And we might have to learn more than we 've learned here , and work harder , and I don 't feel as if I could stand that . " " Maybe , " whispered Letitia doubtfully , and then her Great - great - grandmother Letitia came back . " There isn 't a sign of an Injun here , " said she , " and I am ' most froze . I 'm going to start the fire , and you boy , you had better come too . You can sleep on the floor by the fire to - night and go home in the morning . Father and mother are coming . I heard their horses . Mother 's is a little lame , and favors one foot , and I know . They 're right here , and they 'll be cold , and I 've got to start up the fire . " Josephus flew about the kitchen dragging heavy logs , and poking the fire , and Letitia quite admired him , but her great - great - grandmother simply scolded . " You are a most unhandy boy , " said she . " You can have had little training in making hearth fires . " Josephus Peabody stayed all night and slept wrapped up in a homespun blanket beside the fire , but the next morning it was hardly daylight before Goodman Cephas Holbrook came for him . Cephas Holbrook was a very stern man , and he believed in the rod . Before Josephus left he had just one chance and he improved it . It was while Mr . Holbrook was partaking of a glass of something warm and spicy which Great - great - great - grandmother Letitia Hopkins mixed for him . It was a cordial of her own compounding and a good thing for the stomach on a bitter morning , and this morning was very bitter . " That is an evil thing , too , " said her father . " It is distrusting the Almighty to fear where is nothing to fear . A froward child , and I trust that Goodman Holbrook will not spare the rod . " Letitia was very sure that he would not , and she pitied poor Josephus Peabody with all her heart . She also pitied herself more than usual that day , for the cold was stinging , and she was put to hard tasks , and she felt forlorn at the thought that her little brother in the hardships of the Past might that very night strive to make his escape . Gradually her own resolve grew . She was horribly afraid , but she was also horribly homesick , and homesickness will urge to desperate deeds . That night , also , Captain John Hopkins and his wife went to visit the sick neighbor , and , after the younger sisters were in bed , Letitia was left alone with her great - great - grandmother , who was sleepy . Letitia did not talk ; she knitted , with a shrewd eye upon the elder Letitia , who presently fell fast asleep . Then Letitia rose softly , and laid down her knitting work . It might be her chance for nobody knew how long , and Josephus might even now be entering his book . She pulled off her shoes , tiptoed in her thick yarn stockings up to the loft , got her own clothes out of the chest , and put them on . The little great - great - aunts did not stir . Letitia blew a kiss to them . Then she tiptoed down , got the key out of the secret drawer , blew another farewell kiss to her sleeping great - great - grandmother and was out of the house . It was broad moonlight outside . She ran around to the north side of the house , and there was the little green door hidden under the low branches of the spruce tree . Letitia gave a sob of fear and thankfulness . She fitted the key in the lock , turned it , opened the door , and there she was back in her great - aunt 's cheese - room . " It doesn 't take as long to visit the past as it did to live in it , " replied her aunt . Then she sent Letitia to her room for the satin - wood box , and , when she had brought it , took out of it a little parcel , neatly folded in white paper , tied with a green ribbon . " Open it , " said she . They had a very nice dinner that day , and afterward had settled down for a quiet afternoon , Letitia feeling very happy , when there was a jingle of sleigh bells , and Aunt Peggy cried out . " Why , I declare , " said she , " if there isn 't Mrs . Joe Peabody with her little grandson driving over this cold day . She is a very smart old lady . " Mrs . Joe Peabody was a very pretty old lady when she was unwrapped from her black cloak and two shawls and fitch tippet and pumpkin hood , and seated in the big chair by the fire . Her white hair hung on either side of her face in rows of beautiful curls , and her eyes were blue as turquoises . Her grandson stood by her side , and she had a loving arm around him . " You remember my grandson Joe , don 't you , dear ? " she said to Letitia . " Two years ago you used to go coasting together . " They both ate pound cake and looked happily at each other . " I think , " said Joe presently , " that it would be better not to tell the other boys and girls about all this . Grandmother thinks so . " " Aunt Peggy does , too , " said Letitia . " They might think we made it all up , it is so queer . No , we will never tell anybody as long as we live . " p . 45 changed [ nailed their heads to the meeting - house . " Say , " the boy continued confidentially , " those were the heads I meant , you know . " ] to [ nailed their heads to the meeting - house . Say , " the boy continued confidentially , " those were the heads I meant , you know . " ] |
I 'm working on a new novel , and this time it is a sequel . This story has been a long time coming , but unfortunately as I 've come closer to NaNoWriMo time , my original inspirations have started to fade away . Now I 'm left with a vague sense of a character , and a setting I have only explored once . Serious , thoughtful , and adaptive . Those are the words I would use to describe Delilah , aka Dada to her friends . She was always going to be a priestess , a woman of the faith of Jua ( the primary god in the biggest religion in the setting ) , if her life allowed it . Some would call her manipulative . When she speaks to people , she twists her words to get the best result . Her life , since she was young , has been trying to get the world to bend her way . She doesn 't do it out of spite , it is just the best course of action , the way to get the world to work the smoothest . If you see someone angry , why not say what you have to say in the best tone to make sure they don 't take it out on you ? This is Dada 's life , and when talking one on one , she becomes anyone 's best friend . When speaking to a crowd , she can make their hearts sing . Unfortunately , when in an intimate group , needing to deal with a few individuals , she suffers as she bounces between different needs in the conversation . Unfortunately for their relationship , Dada is so focused on her religion that she puts her community and temple before her own home . To Dada , she is in love with god first , her temple second , and her mate , Hans , third . This is something she would never vocalize to Hans ( it wouldn 't make him feel good after all ) , but is a fact she holds true to herself . In fact , her love for god could be considered , unconventional even in the eyes of the greater faith . Dada had a fun past . In fact , she had wild years in college while she was still wondering if she would go through with her major . Drinking , partying , days away from her family household , and the occasional bout of drug usage . She put all of that in her past when she put on her vestments , and with the help of Hans 's family , they moved to a new neighborhood and started their lives fresh . Become It Don 't let it touch you . That 's what the old ladies always told us . Don 't let it catch you , don 't let it touch you . It didn 't matter how fast I ran , I could always hear the footsteps behind me . It was a thud and a splat , like a bag of wet garbage being dropped in succession . One after another , they came down again and again . In the pitch black of night , it was hard to keep my feet going one in front of the other . Staying upright was hard , keeping my eyes forward was harder . The street was empty . In this part of town it was all half - built shopping malls and empty lots . Only the occasional car lit up the roadside patch of dead - grass in front of me . When the street lit up , my heart would fill with hope , only to be flattened each time as 3am drivers sped right by . No one was going to see me die . They said it chose bad boys that became bad men . As a mother 's tale it was sound . You didn 't brush your teeth , you didn 't wipe your ass , it would come for you . We were supposed to fear it for life . It didn 't end with your trash chores , the absent father and the abuser could suffer as well . Except they never did , and then bad boys forget . It was close now , I could smell it . It was an odor like rotting eggs drowned in settled mud . I had to fight back the urge to gag . All I could do is push harder . The sound of another car approached . I made the decision , and split off into the road , almost falling to my face as I did . I ran to the middle of the street , and waved my arms as the bright lights of the car 's high beams centered on me . I saw it , before I closed my eyes . It was a silhouette then , the car lights turning it into a creature of shadows . Then I saw nothing , and my body clenched as I waited for the car to run me over . Did they not see it ? Were they blind , or was it invisible . Maybe I was just mad . Another footstep gave me no time to ask further questions . I ran across the street , passing into the lot of a public storage company . It was dark at this hour , with only one light hanging over the gate to the property . There were billions of bad men . Why would anyone think they were the one at risk ? There was an answer though , not one I wanted to recognize . It wasn 't just bad boys who were hunted , it was our bad boys . I thought I was one of billions , but I was one in a dozen , the few boys to survive and continue to be around . Of them , I was the worst . Melrose had a business , CJ was a pastor , Eddie was working two jobs to feed his twins . Then there was me . I slowed down . My breath came in desperate pants , my lungs were burning , my legs ached . It was a dead end . Some idiot thought having a U shape in the garages was a brilliant idea , and now there was nowhere else to go . Coughing , I shuffled to the deepest storage unit , and fought with the lock on it . I tried to ignore the whumps growing louder behind me , and the acrid smell that was filling my lungs with every breath . My eyes were watering , and I was covered in sweat . It was right behind me , I could feel a heat coming off of it . Did it want me to turn around and look at it ? It made a gurgling noise , the sound of a man 's last breath . The skin looked like green boils sliding down it in waves . It was wider and taller than any man , but still shaped like one . But unlike any man , the flesh was fluid , like an endless fountain of the bile and blood that it called a body , spilling in undulating waves . It kept coming , and the longer I looked , the more my stomach tried to crawl up my throat . It wasn 't fair . Melrose was running his dad 's business . CJ grew up in the church , his uncle cared for him , taught him until he had a congregation of his own . Eddie 's mom remarried after his dad died . I was just the child of another bad man , couldn 't it see that ? Didn 't it know I had nothing ? I had to take everything to even get as far as I did . The creature was shrinking as it poured itself over me . The weight built up around my legs and waist . It was a crushing and smothering sensation , the heat and mass . It was becoming hard to breath . No matter how much I fought against it , the force of the flow would just knock me back , pin me to the wall . There was no escaping it , that was what they said . Don 't let it touch you , don 't let it catch you . If it gets you , you become it . " I 'm sorry ! " I shouted into the night . Tears were burning my eyes , " I didn 't mean to hurt her , I 'm so sorry , don 't do this ! " I kept shouting it even as the terrible flesh built up around my neck , and I knew it would suffocate me . I was yelling , but I was thinking more . They were excuses , sure , but I thought of them as additions . I didn 't mean to hurt her , but she swung at me first . I 'm so sorry , but this ain 't my fault . Don 't do this , I don 't deserve it . When it first spilled down my throat , I wanted to retch . Not even that had enough force to counter the flow and the force . It kept coming , it filled me , the sweltering heat over my whole body . There was something inside its shrinking form . I blinked away my tears . It was a man , pale brown skin locked inside the fleeing bubbling mass . Tears were streaming down his face as he took in panicked breaths , the mass no longer choking him . His familiar eyes were locked on me as he cried , they were just like mine . They were my father 's eyes . The old ladies always told us , don 't let it touch you . Don 't let it catch you , or you will become it . It will imprison you , and you will become it . What , a saturday scene with a priest in it ? Surely Marshall is responding to the historic announcement yesterday ? Nope , I 'm just messing with a draft that happens to have a priest main character . Though I might talk about Friday later this week , my views on it aren 't really necessary . This is part of a sequel to a previous Nanowrimo . I don 't often do first person , mostly because I sort of throw words out in a mix of past and present tense , which comes out garbled . Either way , here we go . If any of the details of the religion itself throw you off , just remember it doesn 't matter . All of their eyes are locked on me . Some of them are powerful people , business owners , veterans , doctors , family heads . In their day to day life they are in charge , but in this moment , they all look to the pulpit and listen . I adjust my vestment with a hand , and scan the crowd . " I tell them , love isn 't a rose , not metaphorically or physically , with thorns and all . Though they never believe me , I tell them that if they want to feel the true warmth of Jua , they don 't need anything but the spirit he earned you , and defends for you . " The lecture was about being close to god . I spent the two nights before preparing it after the Wilt family kid came to me and asked if god and his mates loved him or not . There , out in the grass behind the temple , I fumbled . I could only tell him what I 'm sure his mother had told him before , ' rest assured , you are loved . ' " We must recognize the signs that are already there , " I said tilting my voice up , " We feel love every day of our lives . Love is that sickening feeling in your gut when someone is attacked , or in pain . It rips at your insides , keeps you up , boils your blood . That 's how I know I love this community , that 's how I know I love god . " They cheered as the sermon peaked , and I looked down to the front row among the clapping patrons . Hans was there , in a pressed suit with his well - trimmed hair , smiling up at me . I couldn 't help but grin back . " We can look to the stories , " I continued , bringing my voice back down , " I can tell you the line ; moon chapter 4 line 22 , clash chapter 1 line 10 . I can throw quotes at you all day but that won 't mean a thing unless you leave yourself open to seeing him , and loving him . Then you will know what he feels in return for everyone , and you will understand that you are loved . " The crowd turned to chanting , and I could hear old Eliza swooning in the back rows . It wasn 't just rhetoric , I could feel the fluttering in my stomach there in front of everyone . It felt like my body , chest outward , was radiating vital essence of the divine . I concluded , and they left row by row , stopping to hold hands , say passing words to each other , give a pat on the back . I Turned , and he smiled down , but it wasn 't the same smile as before . It was crafted , strained . It didn 't take long to see why . " Priestess , " He said with a level of mirth the statement didn 't need , " That 's exactly why I stopped in today . I 'm glad I did , that sermon was exquisite . You really are a touch of the divine , I felt infused by every word . " Compliments were the weapons of kings , both good and evil . There was no way to avoid them , so I let them wash over me , and took what good I could knowing the man in front of me . " Do you want to go to my office ? " I offered . I put a finger to side of my lips , and I saw the governor twitch as I did . The motion was instinctive , but I regretted it anyway . Even if he was so open to manipulating me , it didn 't do to manipulate him in return . That wasn 't my place , and never would be . " All ready to go , dear ? " Hans said when the governor was far enough away . He looked tired , even though he wasn 't the one who just finished talking for a few hours . I had a lot of planning to do . Important people would be in town , and I had a duty to fulfill . Not just to the community , and by that the governor as well , but to Jua himself . Sorry folks , I was in Canada last Saturday , so I forgot to post this . Well here it is now , a sort of culmination to the previous werewolf stories . It includes everyone 's favorite extra NPC , Lt . Spatz . Sixth Ranger There was a rustle in the bushes . It was more than just the wind , larger than some rabbit . People were moving , and people meant danger . They always do . A little girl popped into the clearing , chasing a grasshopper , wearing a small backpack and colorful boots with a cartoon character on the side . She looked around , and her eyes filled with wonder at the animal she saw lying there in the little den . A woman came into the clearing , wearing hiking gear and a larger pack than the child . She was dismissive at first , reaching for her daughter 's hand to pull her aside . Then she saw the wolf , and her whole body went rigid . She pulled the girl close , and tried to be still . He laid back down . Who did that lady think she was , calling him shaggy ? He looked at the sun , rising high in the air , and decided he needed to go . He rose once more , trotted through the underbrush , and continued down the hillsides until he could smell the indistinguishable scent of port - a - potties , hot dogs , and motor oil . His perspective rose , and he could feel his body twisting beneath his skin . Spatz pushed through a bush , and sat down on a bench at the edge of the park . He let out a sigh . There was relief there , he had to tell himself that . Somehow , life was a little better than before , if only a little . Then his phone started to vibrate out of control . It buzzed , and buzzed , and buzzed until he could pull the iPhone out of his pocket and check it . Five voicemails , at least fifteen texts , the phone stopped counting . He was going to look through the list of missed calls , but then Meredith began calling . He picked it up , leaned his head back , " Yes ? " He could tell she was stressed . Considering everything that was going on , he wasn 't surprised . She was trying to construct a new pack , pay respects to the old , and lead a war . He didn 't envy her . She was talking to someone else in the background . Spike ? The two new entries were still adjusting to how Meredith did business . To tell the truth , he trusted Cam and Mike more , and that 's saying a lot since he was sure Cam wanted to fight him . That tied Spatz ' stomach in a knot . If she was talking about Levi , she would say so , wouldn 't she ? Maybe , he knew Meredith kept secrets , who didn 't have secrets ? Still , he prided himself on having some idea what she was planning . It said , " Have werewolves ever thought of just , not wearing leather ? " Spatz tried to read it again , but it didn 't make any additional sense . Was he drinking ? Hopefully not . He walked in on the scene , and saw Chicago PD swarming everywhere . They were taking forensics , orders were being shouted back and forth . He sniffed , and the scents in the room made him want to pinch his nose . " What are you doing here , Lieutenant Spatz right ? " asked a Lieutenant from Chicago he saw now and again . The guy was tall , and a hard - ass , real territorial . Unfortunately , he had other loyalties that meant he wasn 't all that useful as a contact . He was waved into the hall , and Spatz could feel the air get thicker as they walked . They reached a staircase , and the Lieutenant pointed for him to walk down . They got to the bottom , and reached a room covered in tribal gear and chiminage . The walls and ground were painted in blood that stank of something strange . There were two more scents , ones Spatz couldn 't mistake for anything else . Later that morning he was at Naperville central . He was out back of the school , and Mike was attempting to do his best impersonation of a shadow on the wall . " They aren 't saying anything because they don 't know anything , " Spatz said , an arm against the wall , " But they can 't smell you on the knife Mike , I can . " Spatz flared his nostrils , " No , you 're not in trouble . But I know the knife is yours , and they are freaking out in there . You can 't have knives at school , I 'm pretty sure that is in the rulebook somewhere . " That was the ' I didn 't read the notebook ' shrug . Spatz let out a groan , and ran his hand down his face . His phone buzzed , and he pulled it out to check it . Mike started to walk away , and Spatz called out to him . The boy turned around . He hadn 't exactly done anything to anyone , and considering what all attacked them at the school in the past , it wasn 't the stupidest idea to have a knife . It was just dangerous , and illegal . Mike shook his head , and then went back inside . Spatz was pretty sure he saw a smirk there . A little later he was outside an ice cream parlor . She sat at the bench - table , and seemed oblivious to what he was asking . Then her face lit up , " Oh , yeah . So we weren 't able to catch him . Still , we looked up the crystals , and they were a bunch of hippy stuff , a lot of articles about clearing the mind and helping stress . The kind of stuff mom would probably use . Then Jennifer and Dick were talking about hunting down other shifters to see what they knew , and I tried to tell them that they wouldn 't know anything , but they just kept talking about finding them and hurting them . She is such a bitch . " Spatz nodded , and ignored his phone going off in his pocket . He was losing track of what she was talking about , but it seemed like she was interacting with the local Pure girl . If they recruited her , what would they do with her ? Most Pure would rather rip a Forsaken to shreds than use them for some scheme . " Then I started thinking about Leonard , and they might hurt him , and I started crying . So I tried to call him , and he wasn 't answering . With all this weird stuff going on , what if he is already hurt ? I would just die . " He had no idea who Leonard was . Did he forget , or was Leonard just not important ? " Oh my god , what if he is just ignoring me ? " Sylvia said , her eyes going wide , " Oh my god , that dick . I 'll punch him . Well , maybe not , he got beat up pretty bad the other month . Still , I told him I liked him , and he said he liked me too . I can 't believe him ! " Later that day he was in a counseling office with a young man named Jacob . Mundane as far as he could tell , the boy just decided to try to make a weapon at school during shop class and use it against another student . " No one is going to press charges today , " Spatz said , " Still , you need to ask yourself where you were going with this . I know it seems like this world is everything today , but trust me there is a whole big world out there , and attacking someone like that can - " Spatz took a deep breath , held a finger up , and then plucked his phone out . It was Levi . He silenced it , and put it back . " Do you have somewhere to be ? " The kid said , his voice hoarse from an earlier screaming match with the faculty . " No , " He said , " I 'm here . " Cam had his bag in hand , full of what Spatz had to guess was boxing gear . There were other kids with him , none of which Spatz recognized . Cam looked at them , and the others laughed before Cam jogged over to the window . As far as Spatz could tell , getting Cam to trust you was the hard part . How Levi had ever managed it was a mystery that Spatz had never figured out . Spatz didn 't want to call it trust issues , with the bit of the guy 's history that he knew , he was right to keep himself distant . Still , he had some friends right there , that 's better than before . " I don 't know if you 've been watching the news , " Cam said , " But a Black guy jumping into a police car , not the safest scenario . " Spatz started to laugh , but let it fall off . He wasn 't exactly sure how to respond to that one . Cam looked over his shoulder , and waved goodbye to the rest of his group . Spatz smirked , " Wild right ? Not all the time , no . It helps control the chaos . We can 't just jump at every fight that pops up , sometimes you need rules . The hunt is the game . It makes it like a soccer game , sets up the boundaries , and defines the players . " There was a little regret there . Spatz could hear it . That wasn 't Cam 's fight , maybe it wasn 't the best time to bring him in . He didn 't know what the shifters were doing , he didn 't feel the pressure to get revenge against the Pure . Cam didn 't get to finish his sentence , a mess of fur and screams hit the sidewalk next to them . It looked like it fell out of an abandoned apartment building . It rolled over , scrambled to its feet , stood up like a man . Spatz shrugged , " Beshilu are always around . Another werewolf thing . Father wolf couldn 't destroy them , so they spread around the world , getting their revenge on us for always hunting them . " He tried not to roll his eyes . He was drinking at a younger age , though beers instead of colorful cocktails . " You 're kind of extra grumpy today , " Levi said as he went into the motel room freezer and pulled out a small assortment of alcohol . She wasn 't , it already started . Spatz didn 't bother explaining that , he knew what Levi 's response would be . Still , shifters and werewolves didn 't always get along , and that is just how it was . He was risking a lot even being there . What if Levi was also working with the Pure ? What if that was why Sylvia was so close to Jennifer ? What if he was just being played , or lead into a trap . What would be his excuse to Meredith when she found out he put central Illinois at risk , over what ? He didn 't have time to be guilt - tripped . He put on his coat , and went to the door . " Call me tomorrow , " Spatz said as he opened the door . There , peeking from behind the clouds , the full moon . He could feel it , like the heat of the sun at high noon , burning against his skin . Another werewolf might give in to it , another werewolf might have looked for bloodshed , or at least some act of violence or passion . Spatz walked around to the back of the motel , and his body began to shift . He fell to all fours , and let out a howl that made the night tremble . This was his night , and he had a long run ahead of him . Meredith was silent on the other side of the line . " Fine , " She said , " Can you pick up the boy ? I want him to join us tonight , and he seems reluctant . " " Yes ma ' am , " Spatz said . Then she hung up , and Spatz let out all the air in his lungs . Another day , and more work ahead . I almost forgot to post fiction , on Saturday . What a travesty that would have been . Another Werewolf fiction , coming at you . This one featuring our group 's favorite little alpha in training , Sylvia . Sylvia walked out of the community center with her phone in hand . She waved goodbye to some of the kids , and then headed toward her car . It was the middle of the day now , she had the whole evening ahead of her . She could spend some of that heading back to her apartment on the Northside , or see what Kimiko was up to , or go on a run , or maybe Tessa wanted to chat . Jennifer 's hands came down on Sylvia 's wrist . She squeezed tight until the keys slipped free and fell to the concrete . When Sylvia looked up , Jennifer still had that same expression . " You 're in my territory , " Jennifer said , " I told you before . Your pack is gone , you gave up your claim . This is my pack 's land now . " Ever since they all broke up , Sylvia was the only one really left in town . Sure Mike and Cam came by to visit family , but then they were gone just as fast . Then Jennifer stuck her fat nose into everything . " You mean your dad 's pack ? " Sylvia said . She regretted it as soon as she said it . Unfortunately , the thought just popped up , and came out of her mouth . Jennifer was always so sensitive about everything . She was supposed to be evil , Sylvia had to be careful . She jumped into her car , and as Jennifer stood there brooding , she drove off into central Naperville . It was a nice day , the wind kept her cool , and she could relax . At least , it was close to relaxing . Every time she thought about it all , she got twisted up inside . It felt like she was going to puke , or cry , or both . She missed the past , which is weird because it included a lot of scary stuff , and nearly dying . Going to college was the last idea on her mind then , and here she was . That smell . It was like , dust , fungus , strange wood . She got out of her car , and walked around to the roadside . There was a small bit of woods there , and she knew if she followed it west , it would keep going until it hit a reserve . She looked both ways , and then covered her face with both hands before she started walking forward . There was the small snap and shift as her nose changed into a snout . She sniffed again , and got even more . This wasn 't normal , whatever it was . At the same time , it was a little familiar . When she was far enough from the road , she pulled out her phone and looked at it . She took a deep breath , stuffed it back in her pocket , and hunched forward . The ripple of the change went through her . It was a lot like shrinking , with the world rushing away from her , and finding yourself with a new perspective . Her paws were damp from the grass . She could feel her sharp teeth locked in place . She was free , loose , a full wolf . She shook her fur , walked in a circle , and then sniffed at the ground . Whatever it was , whoever , they had walked this way . She let out a small bark as she started to run . The wind rushed past her , the trees brushed against her . Occasionally , she stopped and sniffed again . Male , a little older than her , hurt ? It had the smells of the city , but not , a little too country . She charged forward again , sniffing at the air , feeling a change in the winds . Whoever it was , they were up ahead . It wasn 't the first time a strange scent popped up in Naperville . Hopefully this one wasn 't a rat - monster , or some weird spirit . Those kinds of things were hard to deal with , and sometimes she just had to leave them alone . It wasn 't like she was a pack all by herself . Well , she kind of was . When she got close , she felt something new . Her fur was standing on end , there was power here . Magic stuff , Tim 's stuff . She looked between the trees , There was a big boulder there , large enough to have a few other rocks in the same outcropping . It looked like someone had cleared it of trees once , maybe they used it as a little ritual circle , or just a campsight . There in front of it was a guy , cross - legged . He was sitting in a pattern dug in the grass , almost like a large symbol . She could hear it , he was whispering . The guy turned around . When their eyes met , for a moment , the guy wasn 't all there . It was like he was looking through her , his eyes just ornaments in his head . Then he shook his head , and started to fidget . he stood up and backed against the rock . He was a rabbit shifter . They met him before , trying to steal from one of those crazy spider - creatures . He almost died last time , and then he said he was never coming back . Except , now here he was . She remembered , he smelled hurt . Now that she looked at him , in his dirty jeans and some beat up shirt , he just looked like a hitchhiker . He didn 't seem hurt . Well , maybe a little twitchy , maybe he was emotionally hurt . Could she smell people 's depression ? She didn 't know if that was awesome or not . Sylvia turned , and saw that Jennifer was coming up behind her , with Dick Worth in tow . There was another boy there , younger even than Dick . Sylvia realized she didn 't know how big Jennifer 's pack was . Jeremy 's took a step away from the rock . He was sweating now . Last time Sylvia saw him , he was a jerk , but he at least kept his cool . Something changed , and she didn 't know what it was . Why was he so worried ? She could figure that out after she kicked Jennifer 's ass . They turned and looked at each other . There wasn 't anger there like last time , Jennifer looked concerned . She pointed to the weird stuff by the rock , and started to walk over . So far , Jennifer had only ambushed her twice in her life , not counting today . That was still a good track record . It was two to one now , but maybe she could get away if she really needed to . She walked over and kneeled by the little shrine Jeremy was building . " Maybe it is a ritual or something , " Sylvia said . Then she thought better of giving Jennifer any good ideas , " Wait , nevermind . It can 't be that right ? " Jennifer stood up , " So you don 't know anything then ? What about the others ? The little guy , Tim , maybe he could figure this out . " " That 's such a bad guy thing to do , " Sylvia said , " Just following someone into the woods . You don 't know what I was doing out here . Maybe I was jogging , or streaking . " " I know you 're just trying to help the city , " Jennifer said , " So I 'm being nice . I 'm not like my dad , I know when to put my teeth away . Still , if you stop being useful , I 'm putting you on a bus to Chicago . " She opened up a text message , " OMG , I sniffed something in NPville . You would be so proud . I nearly got killed , but it was weird , so I followed it . It was something strange , and I found Jeremy , or Jamal , whatever . He was there , and acting weird . Then guess who 1 of 2 " " Showed up ? Jennifer . She is such a bitch , but she wouldn 't fight me . I think she likes me . What if she was mad in love with me ? Wouldn 't that be weird , like a secret undying love ? I think she is good now , maybe . Whatever , her pack is helping . So I will figure it out , until you come back . Then you can help . 2 of 2 " I asked myself , ' why don 't I ever write anything surreal ? ' Besides being an odd question to ask yourself , it was also a bad time to ask myself . I have a lot of stuff I should be writing , so trying another project right now was a terrible idea . Still , I started a story , and here it is . Hold on to your butts . There was a knock at the door . Arty didn 't answer . He was looking at the painting on the wall of the hospital room . It took up a sizeable piece of the far wall . Men being mauled by lions , the browns in their faces distorted and lengthened as the beasts bit down on them . It was obviously a fake , who put a real painting in a hospital room ? The door cracked , and someone popped their head in . He couldn 't tell who , not until he heard the heavy footsteps on linoleum . They had a snap to them , each bootfall had emotional weight with them . It was Clark . Arty could see him now , pulling up a chair by the hospital bed . Carl was all shoulders , hunched forward , his eyes twisted up in sadness . Arty did this to him . He was different before . Taller , wider , brighter . Before Arty had to sit in hospital rooms , staring at paintings . Clark let his words hang in the air . He sniffled , and Arty could hear him squeezing his hat in his grip . It was painful , watching Clark sink into himself , become more tears and sobs than man . Back on the force , he was larger than life . He was always the man - of - action , could push Arty into doing anything . Now he had a leak he couldn 't plug . He was pouring over Arty 's sheets , occasional blinks stymying the flow . The old man had been stuck in the face , and he was letting it all out . Arty turned , his eyes focusing in on Clark . " It is your kind of case . Me , I don 't know what to do with it . You know how it is , if I can 't shake someone down , I 'm lost . " Clark laughed , but it didn 't stop the tears . This was interesting , it was something to do , anything besides sitting , waiting , listening . " Tell me everything , " Arty said . Clark shook his head , " I don 't know . Maybe I shouldn 't be bothering you with this . I don 't want you stuck with this . " He knew he couldn 't shake Clark . " Hell , " Clark said , " Whatever . You aren 't here for sappy stories . Plus I thought of you as soon as I walked in on the case . " ' You should have seen this place . It was beautiful , Victorian style , everything redone . Inside it was Oak everywhere , the floors , the cabinets , the walls . ' When he opened them again , he was in the doorway . A stairwell lead off into a black wall of shadow , one turn left into the sitting room , old oak bookshelves and tables . It was the sort of house you inherit , but keep in great condition . It was a house that had history . The kitchen was even better , all new installations , with nods to the past . Pictures hung from the walls , faceless people watching looking back at Arty as he walked through . ' There were signs of a struggle , but only inside . Blood smeared across the floor , pictures knocked from the wall . Then I saw her . She was your type Art . Her skin was as smooth as silk , curves in all the right places , that short black hair . Her make up made her look like a doll , those bright red lips , eyes bold against pale skin , shit . ' She walked into the room . She was wearing red , and had that slight smile when you meet eyes with someone for the first time . Her eyeliner pulled back to the side , like an imitation of some actresses Cleopatra . What was she doing here , in this room ? Why was she dressed so nice , was she going somewhere ? In a house like this , was this her lifestyle , wake up and dress to impress ? He needed to know more , he wanted to know her . He heard the pop . Her eyes went wide , and the dark hole drilled through her forehead . She didn 't gasp , didn 't cry out . She just collapsed backwards , struck the hardwood floor like a sack of meat . " Damnit , Clark , " Arty said , " Damn you . " ' I can 't figure it out . He didn 't drag her out there . The blood is her husband , dead upstairs . He dragged the fool to his bed . As far as forensics understands , Mr . Moon was dead first , then the monster came back , found her , and killed her with one shot . He didn 't take a thing , the house was intact , no locks broken . He came in , and sent a message , and the only man who knows what it is got the same damn treatment ! ' Arty looked away from Mrs . Moon . Clark was in the kitchen now , leaning over the bed . Arty walked over and put a hand on his shoulder . Clark put a hand out and grabbed Arty 's hand on the bed , his real hand , laid out with tubes sticking out of every hole they could find . To Arty it was a white mess , a hole he didn 't bother filling . It was the splotch he didn 't need to fill to see the puzzle complete . Clark 's chair screeched against the floor , " You be strong . I know you 'll come out of it buddy . You owe me a beer , remember ? " She leaned against the doorframe , her arms crossed across her chest . Mrs . Moon smiled at him , and then walked to the cabinets in the kitchen . She opened one , and pulled out two glasses . He pulled up a chair to his bed , and sat down . Something else was lingering on his mind , and he couldn 't lock it down . It was hard to figure out , especially when she was in the room . His eyes couldn 't help but follow her , the curve of her back , the twist of her fingers as she held both cups under the tap . A rumble shook the house . Arty looked around . The door Clark left through , it was dark outside the window . All the windows , they were black , he was alone here , with her . She put a glass down in front of him , and pulled up a seat on the opposite side of the table . There was a growl from outside the kitchen , like a tiger locked in a cage . He could feel it on the side of his face , as if it was right there . The sound of it made the house tremble , but still , he knew it wasn 't here yet . I GM a lot of tabletop roleplaying . Well , I used to do more , but now I get into it now and again . Two years ago I ran a game of White Wolf 's Werewolf : The Forsaken . A game that is typically about scary werewolves dealing with scarier werewolves and terrifying spirits . Instead , we morphed the game to be about high school kids who had to deal with spirits while worrying about who to take to prom . That game randomly stalled and ended in 2013 . I still talk with all of the players . So when it was brought up again , I decided to do something weird . I wrote some ' fanfiction ' of our game . It was argued that it isn 't fanfiction , because I wrote the story . Still , the primary characters are not mine , so to me , outright controlling them in a short story , is odd . Here is one of those stories now , about two years after the original plot . It was impossible to focus . There were chattering voices everywhere , new scents and sounds , but that wasn 't the worst part . It was the eyes . No matter where Mike looked , everyone was looking at them . A voice boomed at the end of the Chicago dive bar . It was some biker - looking guy with a beard that needed trimming and eyes that looked bloodshot . Mike had gathered just from the time in the room that he was important , probably lead a pack of his own . A few other men in biker jackets cheered as he started to talk . Mike put a finger up to shush him . For a brief moment he could actually feel Cam get angry . He didn 't know if that was some more strange magic stuff , or if he was just that used to Cam . " This is it ! " The man shouted , " This is the night we have waited for . This is when we take back blood for blood lost , and we show our ' cousins ' what it means to be a hunter . No cheap tricks , no games , no distractions . This will be war , and they will cry to the heavens for a general worth the battle they have called down on them . " The crowd erupted around them . Mike knew a little of what they were talking about , their battles with other werewolves , the ' war in Chicago ' . It kept encroaching on Naperville , it kept pushing their little ' pack ' , if it had ever been that , until everything fell apart . There were still a pair of eyes on him , and Mike found them at the front of the room . It was a woman he knew all too well . She was sitting in one chair of three set in a line , her legs crossed and her eyes focused down on Mike . " But this fight isn 't just ours , brothers , " The beard man said , " This is for all of us here in Chicago , that is what a war is . Our packs must stand together . That 's why tonight 's hunt belongs to the first to lose a Wolf - brother , Shifting - Winds . " Somehow Mike didn 't feel like his safety was her main concern . This felt like a recruitment drive . There was food , he was being paid pointless attention . If Spatz was in an army uniform , it would be like any other army recruiter he saw at school . Meredith cleared her throat , and a silence passed over the crowd . She narrowed her eyes and looked over the room . Mike had to admit , she commanded respect from her own . As far as he knew though , she also got a lot of her own killed . Long - claw , and wasn 't there another ? At least Levi never lost anyone . " I left Chicago for a reason , " Meredith started , " It was just over 10 years ago we were at each other 's throats . We didn 't care if it was Pure , or Uratha , we went for the throat . Chicago has a history , of cutting itself apart , and then crying in the pool of blood . We are both the criminal and the victim . Except that isn 't the story of the Forsaken , or the tribes of the moon . " " When Father Wolf fell , there was chaos , and there was blood . No one , not even his first born , could set this world straight . Then the Uratha answered that call , we became the soldiers in a world with no one to defend it ! " Though her voice raised , she stood stoic . Mike could feel the energy in the room rising . Whatever they felt about Meredith , the other werewolves cared about her words . " And when there is nothing left of them , when they are nothing but a pool of blood at our feet , we will see that it was tears of pain , but the cries of joy . Because we are not victims , and we are not criminals . Brothers and sisters , we are the Uratha ! " The crowd became a party . Beers flew off the wall , cheers started spontaneously , conversations started in every corner of the room . It seemed the speeches were over , this had to be the revels . " Eech - Dubya , " the guy responded . Another guy came behind him . They both looked like they lived a tougher life than Spatz or Meredith ever had , with clothing that belonged to South Chicago rather than the suburbs of Naperville . Tim was in the city , Mike knew that . He knew what the little spirit binder was hunting for . The question was , was he making progress ? He had no way to know , he was vague on text messages , and he never answered calls . Mike didn 't bother adding . Cam always did work as a good backup alpha . Mike wasn 't here because he needed someone 's protection , he was here because he needed to figure this whole situation out . Ever since he became a werewolf , everything was chaos . He couldn 't become some lycan - drifter . What did they call it , a ghost wolf ? With Cam here , at least he had someone to talk to . Mike was trying not to imagine Shannon , running around Garfield park , being hounded by wolves . The image was so vivid in his head , the sound of clamping teeth , the look on her face as a wolf brought her to the ground . He could practically taste it as the blow came down on her neck . A long while ago I asked myself , what would it be like if the usual formula of ' Christian Romance ' was flipped . The story of ' this person who isn 't right with god , suddenly meets someone who they love , but that person is too Christian to love them back until they are a proper Christian . ' I 've shared this story somewhere before I think , but while a short scene , I still find it interesting to look back at . I could see it the other way so easily , but this way would still be foreign / strange , and on TV , Beth would be the hero if it was the normal Christian story , but in this version she would be a villain . Beth looked at Shawn with one eyebrow up , and her whole body tilted away from . If there was ever a more blatant sign that you were supposed to lie to someone 's face , Shawn hadn 't seen it . His hands were out , cupped upwards in that ' I just got done spilling my guts to you ' pose , and now he was stuck there . His mouth hung open , his eyes seeking someplace to look besides her patronizing stare . Beth chuckled , and Shawn felt something he imagined was supposed to be relief . Instead , his stomach was still in a knot , and he was afraid she was going to hit him any moment . They came outside to get away from the little party inside , and now Shawn found himself looking back to see how the party was going . " Who isn 't raised that way ? " Beth said , kicking one of her long legs at the dirt in front of them , " We were Catholic for awhile , then my dad switched for some reason . Same bullshit though . " She smiled at him , gave him a wink , and Shawn 's only coherent thought was how beautiful blasphemy sounded coming out of her lips . " Which were you ? " She asked . He looked at the ground . In all the time he had known Beth , he had never seen this side of her . She always seemed like such a nice girl , wore a cross to school every day , helped on campus and even volunteered . He was excited to talk to her , and to be honest , get a chance to kiss her . Beth was his dream girl , spunky , but in control of herself , right without being self - righteous . " You okay ? " She asked , her eyes looking him over . Her face went plain , and she stared him in the eyes . His heart thumped , and he didn 't know where to look . Was that her kiss face ? Was that her angry face ? He didn 't know , " You do believe , don 't you ? " She said , " Admit it . " There were a lot of questions you usually didn 't have to answer in highschool , that was one of them . A wife was the last thing on his mind . Sure , he thought Beth was nice enough that maybe he could take her home to his family , a girlfriend he would be proud to show to everyone . That didn 't mean he wanted a wife . " No , " She snapped , " Christian boys don 't date , they search for servants . " While Shawn was willing to put up with a lot , there was a limit . He turned and faced off toward the yard , trying to cap the boiling sensation he felt in his gut . " Have you seen my mom ? She can 't take two steps without looking to my dad for approval on the second , " She began , " My mom wants me to find some nice boy , so he can help me settle down , so he can bring me closer to the lord . As if I want to be close to someone who requires a man for him to love me . " She shrugged , looking out over the little back yard with its playground and fence , " I know Christians can love each other . I 've seen it . I just don 't want that kind of love . " " Are you going to tell me now that they weren 't right with god ? That all their praying and sundays spent at church was done to the wrong beat ? Maybe you 'll say it was god 's plan ? Fuck your fairytale , I would rather have someone who loves me first . " Shawn dug his feet into the dirt . He wasn 't a pro at proselytizing , he knew enough scripture for his own relationship with god . He knew that it wasn 't his job to fix her parent 's relationship , but between him and Beth , that was something different . Since this is a month of editing , I 've put the Tri - star stories in my editing pool . In the meantime , I wrote this based on an idea while at work . Then Daredevil released , and I got distracted before finishing it . Viktor looked deep into the blue of her eyes . She looked back , her lips trembling at his mere proximity . His hand at her waist made her shiver , he could feel his hold on her heart , feel the pump of her blood despite so little contact . She didn 't fight , she couldn 't fight . The predator within him had her cornered there , at the edge of the party . Despite the music in the background , despite the small talk all around them , she was trapped in his world . All she could do is move closer , beg for his embrace , and hope he was merciful . What foolish words . She knew why she was here , and she knew what pain was in store for her . Still , she would dare ask for anything less than domination . His hand wrapped around her waist , and he pulled her in close . He could smell her now , feel her heat against his body . What before only the monster could sense , now the man could as well . Viktor 's mouth opened . A hiss escaped his lips as he bared his fangs . He held there for a moment , drank her in as she was , her innocent beauty , her unblemished skin , the virgin personified . His fangs sank in , and Deborah whimpered and squirmed in his arms . She put a hand over her neck . Her face was screwed up and red with some mix of what Viktor could only guess was anger and frustration , " Did you actually draw blood ? Am I bleeding ? Asshole . " Viktor tried to play it cool , but he could feel eyes on him . He put his back against the wall , pulled the black faux - leather close to his neck , and sneered . The low light would hide the fact that he was crimson red , and soon they would find something new to talk about . Viktor looked over and saw his ' friend ' . Wearing a black wifebeater and makeup that even Viktor found gaudy . Around his wrists were spiked bracelets , and whenever he chewed that bright bubblegum in his mouth you could see his fangs . Mostly online . It was easier to be Viktor there , where he could think about what he was going to say before he posted it . In person , he was always afraid Deborah was going to laugh at him . Instead , she usually laughed with him , let him goof up a little , even gave him leeway when he was trying to remember important character names . Damien , even in character , was an asshole . It wasn 't that he didn 't know when to back down , he just didn 't seem to care . He had almost been killed a few times before , mostly when he thought it would be funny to show his fangs to a prince , or pick a fight with an enforcer . " Come on , " Damien said , " I 've been with you how long ? We 've risen up the ranks together , you 've saved me countless times . Let Damien pay you back , that little doll is yours to have , Vic . She was just sitting on your plate , let me get her back on the fork . " " If she 's even still here , " He said . He felt deflated , beaten down first by Deborah , and now by Damien . It was hard to keep up the hardheaded confidence he knew Viktor should have . In 2013 I participated in NaNoWriMo , writing a small novel in 30 days . I also worked together with my other half to write short stories to be read alongside her NaNo . All of the stories were the origins of Circus folk in a mystical circus with some unusual members . This is the story of their resident juggler , Giorgio . That 's what Giorgio thought . Life hadn 't been easy so far , but he didn 't stress about it . He wasn 't that smart , and he knew it . School had never been easy for him , when he even bothered to go . His family had come to America with a hope that things would be different , that they could have a fresh life . Instead he spent his life hearing stories about the old country . He had a skill though , a talent . When it came to sports , Giorgio was a natural . It didn 't matter what he put his hands on , a baseball , a basketball , he could move it with such ease that it blew the minds of his family and friends . These are the bets he loved most . A free meal , and plenty of fun . He threw the first rock , began to pace it in the air , and soon the second rock , before the knife joined in . The other boys were in awe as it spun in the air , its blade gleaming , narrowly missing his palm each time it came down . He turned his face away . The other boys ran off , snickering as they went . He didn 't want to be yelled at , not for doing something he loved , not for being good at something . Giorgio retrieved his knife from the ground , balanced it in his hands . It was a pocket knife , his favorite , worn through years of service . Given to him by his father , before father left . It was an offer , a job . If he wanted , and the man always left him the choice , he could join their circus . Giorgio knew it was in town , saw the signs about the big top , saw the peak of the tents on his way to school . Giorgio went after school . He wasn 't that impressed with the carnival rides , and the loud vendors . It seemed like a place for children , and in his eyes , he was almost a man . He didn 't need cotton candy , or hot dogs . Giorgio looked at all the eyes on him , bulky mustached men and skinny acrobats . He swallowed , and began . His hands slid over the hilt of the blades , and one by one he launched them , juggled them in the air , and soon they were dancing above him like anything else . The people were watching him , and at first he thought he saw anger , frustration . Then , they burst into cheering , claps and shouting for him to go on . Giorgio smiled , and the blades went higher , twirling in the air . When he finished , the strongman smacked him on the back , and the juggler squeezed him in a hug . They smelled of barn straw and sweat , but they looked happy , and they made him happy . He stayed with them , listened to their music , tunes he had never heard , sometimes in languages he didn 't understand . They were unreal . " Where were you ? " Mary asked as Giorgio passed her . She grabbed him by the arm , tried to hold him in place . Giorgio would have none of it , and pulled himself free . The explanation was simple , but it did nothing to change his sister 's expression . She looked hurt , on top of her anger . They squeezed inside the house , and Giorgio sat down in a chair to take off his boots . Giorgio didn 't look at her . It was hard to ignore her , not to see something of his mother there . She was so concerned , but it never felt like concern for him . She was trying to keep him in place , make sure he became the new father of the house , with the same work , the same lack of control . She didn 't seem to understand , father was gone . " My talent . He says I am exceptional . He says I could be great in their circus , I would bring in great crowds and be happy there . " " Stupid , " She said , " Did you even think about us ? Did you think about your family ? You will be happy there , but what will they pay you ? How will we live , Giorgio ? You are being a stupid boy . " Even without his boots , he towered over her . Looking down she was exactly what she should have been , a child . Her wrist was small in his palm , flimsy . He had to concentrate to loosen his grip , and she pulled her arm free , held it in her opposite hand . Giorgio took a deep breath , " I want to be happy , Mary . Can 't you and mother come with me ? We can travel , see the world , and all of us will be happy . " Sports , running , juggling , these things were what his life was all about . Asking anyone , they would have told you the same . Giorgio loved to move , Giorgio had a natural talent . He thought of the other boys with talents , some were good with numbers , others were good at fixing things , these talents Giorgio could see going places . They would work , and their sisters would be happy , they wouldn 't fight in the dark . Giorgio sat back in the chair , looked around their house . It was tiny , full of pictures and gifts from family . It was home , but it didn 't make Giorgio feel welcome . The next days he spent with the circus folk , dancing , singing , playing . It was beautiful . The women were extraordinary , hair flowing as they span in circles . The men were free , they played instruments when they wanted , and their work looked like play . They would draw in crowds of people , show off their skills , and Giorgio would watch . One day , the juggler invited him over to join him . Giorgio had never juggled with someone else , but he wasn 't afraid now . He took his position , smiled to the crowd , people from his town and beyond . They surrounded them as the long knives were pulled out , they wowed the crowd as they tested the knives by cutting ropes , by digging them deep into wooden poles to show they were deadly . Then the juggler threw him his first knife , and without fail , Giorgio sent it right back to him , found the timing between them . The act created cries of awe from children . Then another man lit small torches , and threw them to the juggler . The number of objects doubled , but they still juggled them without fail , smiles on their faces , cheers from the crowd . The torches felt hot on Giorgio 's palms , the light was blinding , but it was a rush like he had never felt . " I want you for this circus , " The man said , " You don 't know what that means to me . We don 't hire just anybody , we only bring in family . If you come with us , you are one of us , and we will protect you as our own . You are something special Giorgio , and I don 't say that lightly . " Giorgio was afraid , but then he caught it , and he juggled it . The weight seemed light , as if it was fake . Giorgio felt silly for ever fearing it in the first place . " We can send your money home , " The man said as he watched Giorgio . He nodded to the strong man again , and another weight was thrown . This time Giorgio didn 't react , he caught it , added it to the whirling air show . " Your sister doesn 't know what is best for you , " The man said , " You don 't belong here . They will put you in some factory , or working on a farm . This is not your destiny , Giorgio . I 'm here in this city for you . " Giorgio stopped juggling , catching the balls in one hand , and the weights in the other . The dumbells , which seemed as light as air a moment before , regained the weight he feared they had before . At first Giorgio strained to carry them , then realized it was impossible , and dropped the weight to the ground where it crashed into the dirt . Giorgio returned home , and this time his sister didn 't bother to welcome him . He walked into their house , and she was in the kitchen , cleaning dishes . He sat down and took off his boots . The main thing on his mind was those weights . No matter how much he asked , no one would explain what happened . He tested them , and found they were as heavy as he expected , as were the other weights of the strongman . Still , when they were being juggled , they felt weightless . Was this what all circuses were like ? Was it just a trick they used ? Some special show business ? The man , he made it seem like it was Giorgio 's fault . How could that be ? All Giorgio knew was to play , to juggle , to enjoy himself . Sure , he had a talent , but it wasn 't something like that . " Thank you , " He said . Taking a knife , and digging into the simple plate of veggies and chicken . He could tell she was annoyed with him , but he didn 't bother to look up at her . " Everyone was worried , " She continued , " They wanted to know where my brother had gone . I told them , he wants to be carnival folk . He doesn 't care if his sister and mother starve . " " This isn 't how you act , " She said as she went back to the sink and scrubbed more dishes , " You 're acting like a spoiled child . You think only of your own dreams . You think I wouldn 't want to join the circus ? When we were younger , I dreamed of that all the time . Then things changed , because we got older . " " The man , " Giorgio began , " He says I can take everyone with me . We don 't have to worry about money . We can live with them , earn money , and be safe . " " And be circus freaks ? " She said , a crash of dishes accompanying her frustration , " Do you think mother wants to live like that ? Can 't we be normal people , brother ? Is that so difficult for you ? No childish tricks , no showboating , just working and living . " Mary 's eyes could have lit a pool of water on fire . She watched him leave the room , and head back to bed . Then Giorgio could hear her go back to washing dishes . They laughed and poked fun , but Giorgio didn 't listen . They were his friends , but at the same time they were never close . They were just the boys in his class , the same ones that were there every day , for him to play with , wrestle , juggle for . They were sometimes mean . They broke into laughter again , but now the bell rang . They had to head to class . Giorgio did what he always did , try to survive the session . He wasn 't bright , and he knew that , but he absorbed what he could . He could count , and he could write , and that suited him just fine . He knew some history , he knew some math , and that got him through tests when they asked . When the bell let them out into the yard , Giorgio stretched , and headed down to join the other boys . He saw a commotion , a circle of boys around a man . It was the strongman . The man saw him above the school boys , and waved . The kids were all crying out at him , shouting insults , throwing small rocks at him . He ignored them . When he finally made it through the crowd , the strongman reached down and grabbed him . Lifting Giorgio up in his arms , he was brought a few heads higher than the crowd . From up there , Giorgio could drown out the cries , ignore the pebbles being launched at them . A rock flew straight for the strongman 's head , and with one sweep of his arm , the strongman caught it . With a squeeze of his fist , the rock crumbled into smaller pebbles . The large man made an angry face , flaring his nostrils and twitching his mustache . The boys gasped , and all backed off . The circle became nasty in a way that Giorgio had never imagined before . It was almost like watching animals snapping at large food , wolves slobbering at the muzzle . Giorgio looked around him and saw exactly what he was afraid of , people with nothing to accomplish , sad people who didn 't know what to do with themselves . Were their lives so empty that they had to attack him for something as simple as wanting to juggle . They ran as well , and here Giorgio knew he was truly in trouble . There was no way to get away from them , not unless he was faster , could run longer . Maybe he could , but even then , what if they knew where he lived ? Would they stop at his door , or would they try to come inside ? What did they even want ? This was Mary 's doing . She was telling others about the circus , and it had angered his schoolyard buddies . It seemed strange she would go this far , but he didn 't need to look far for proof . The red in their eyes was something only Mary could create . She was good at moving people 's hearts with just her words . Maybe that was her talent . Giorgio imagined Mary telling the boys , spreading lies about the circus , about his new friends he enjoyed so much . Why else would they be so angry at the strongman ? The most dangerous thing about him was his odor , and his booming laughter . As he told her , she was trying to stop his happiness . He couldn 't take that anymore . Giorgio clenched his fist , and the boys came at him . Four on one wasn 't fair , no matter how much Giorgio liked to fight . It didn 't matter how many punches he threw , or how many he wrestled to the ground , if they had the numbers to surround him . When he got home , Mary was already sleep . He set his alarm clock , and laid down to go to sleep . His bruises kept him awake , each twist and turn sending a shooting pain through his ribs . Still , if he woke up early enough , he could pack up his things , and he could go to the circus . No matter how many people his sister sent , she couldn 't stop him from being happy . " Where do you think you 're going ? " She said , " Don 't you get it . Its over . Go relax , brother . There will be no more circus . " Giorgio grabbed her at the shoulder , and pushed her aside , pulling the door open to the bright morning sun . She was right that he was late , the circus would have packed up through the night , they were likely on their way already . He had to make it there before it was all gone , see if he could talk to someone . It didn 't matter what she thought . He had no other choice . If he stayed here now , Mary had made sure he had enemies at school , that his former playmates hated him , and his life would be miserable . Mary kept pace as he ran the trail . The road was ahead , right before the clearing where the tent had set up . He couldn 't see the tents . It made his eyes sting with tears , his feet felt heavy . He wanted to see some sign , any sign that they were still there . He could feel himself slowing though , giving up . Maybe she was right , there was no hope . He would have to live the life defined for him , some time in a factory , an eternity of misery , day by day . She ran into him , full run , and knocked him back . He heard the cry of a horn , and heard the screech of wheels . Then something heavy hit him in the chest . Across the street , he could see Mary , crying so hard that her face was red . She was being hugged , by his mother . When Giorgio looked , his mother turned her eyes to look at him . They were tired eyes , a dead stare that he only saw occasionally on weekends . It was a face that fed two kids , wearing an apron and a layer of dirt . There was a cheer among the circus folk , and the strongman pulled Giorgio up into the air . Though they were just somber , they were already full of happiness and song . The movement of their dancing caused a jolting pain through his chest , and Giorgio pulled up his shirt to see what the cause was . A handprint was across his chest , so large that he knew only one pair of hands that could make it . He looked to the wrecked truck in the road , and the saddened faces of the people he used to know . He never had a choice , he was born with a talent , and he was going to be happy . |
Samson Ridgewell tossed the basketball towards his friend Chance , who tossed it into the hoop before turning and grinning at Mel , the skinny purple haired girl that had been playing with them . " We won again ! " he taunted her . " It 's just because you guys are taller , " Mel said . " Don 't go thinking you 're hot shit . " Samson looked at his friends as they bickered . Chance was tall , almost six foot one , while Mel was a lot shorter , barely making the five foot mark . Samson himself was stuck awkwardly in the middle at just barely 5 ' 4 " . Every single boy he had ever met was taller than him . Maybe it was just the boys where he lived , but his size was one of his biggest insecurities . He passed fairly well as a boy , but he was a short and scrawny one , and that bothered him to no end . He shuffled over to the portable iPod speakers , which had been playing a mixture of Mindless Self Indulgence , The Features , and Against Me songs . They were all Samson 's favorite bands , but the iPod wasn 't his . The iPod belonged to Mel , who had bought it with her own money . They just had the same tastes . " New game ? " Samson asked . " Or are we done ? " He picked up the speakers and the iPod and passed them to Mel , nearly dropping them when he heard a voice come on over the loudspeakers that ran through the entire group home . " Samantha Ridgewell , please report to the headmistress 's office . " " Crap ! " Samson squeaked , his face going white at the sound of his birth name . " That family is coming to see me today and I completely forgot ! I have to - " he stopped and then looked towards his friends . " Help me ! " he pleaded desperately , looking down at his boyish clothes . " I 'm not ready and Mrs . Brighton will kill me if I go in there like this ! " He wasn 't even finished with his sentence when Mel grabbed his arm and pulled him from the gym and up the stairs toward his bedroom , nearly tripping over the pile of parts from Chance 's old , broken computer that Samson was trying to fix . She darted into his closet and dug around for a few seconds before throwing him a pair of skinny jeans and a light blue , feminine tank top . Samson sighed as he looked down at the clothes , but he picked them up and went into the attached bathroom to change . He pulled off the zip up hoodie and dark red t - shirt he had previously been wearing , and for a moment he stood and stared at himself in the mirror . Dark hair , not exactly long , but not short either . His eyes were a bright turquoise shade , and freckles were dotted across his nose . The femininity in his face made him look baby faced , and younger than his fifteen years . At least for a boy . is breasts were flattened down with ace bandages that he had wound around his chest . He knew that binding with ace bandages was dangerous , it had been known to constrict breathing and sometimes crack ribs , but Samson didn 't care . He hated his breasts . They gave him away as obviously being biologically female . He couldn 't afford a real binder , so if he cracked a rib using bandages , then so be it . He would rather have a cracked rib or two than have visible breasts . It wouldn 't matter after today . He wouldn 't be able to hide his breasts anymore . He was most likely being adopted by a family who didn 't know that he was anything but one hundred percent girl . He would have to dress and act like a girl with these people . It happened with every new family , and once he finally got comfortable enough to tell them tMel squeezed him tighter . " You 'll be fine , Samson . Just because the others tossed you out doesn 't mean this one will . And you can always call me whenever you need anything . " Samson didn 't say anything in response to her , and he eventually let go of her . Mel gently took one of his wrists and looked down at the scars that ran along his inner forearm . " Promise you won 't do anything like this again , " she murmured . " Please . " Samson sighed . " No promises . " Upon seeing the worried look on his friend 's face he said , " Okay , I 'm sorry , I promise . " They walked out of the bathroom and Samson glanced around the room . Chance passed him a few rubber bracelets . " Looking for these ? " he asked . One of the bracelets was a Mindless Self Indulgence bracelet , the other two were from Against Me and another band that Samson didn 't listen to all that much . They would do a decent job at hiding his scars though , so that was good . " Thanks , " Samson said , slipping the bracelets on . " And thanks for helping me pack , you guys . It means a lot . " " No problem , " Mel said , handing him his bag . " Oh , and , here . " She handed him a photo as she spoke . It was a picture from his last birthday , showing himself , Chance , Mel , and Jimmy Urine , the singer for one of their favorite bands , Mindless Self Indulgence . The concert tickets had been their birthday present to him . Meeting Jimmy had just been good luck . Samson opened his mouth to protest , because as far as he knew , this was the only picture any of them had from the occasion . " I got it copied , " Mel said , before he could speak . That one is yours . Come on , Chance and I will walk you downstairs . " Samson nodded , and they started walking down together . Samson wasn 't sure to be excited or afraid . On one hand , he would be with family , and called Samson by everyone , unlike his various foster homes . Nearly everyone , and always the adults , always called him Samantha , no matter how much he begged them not to . On the other hand , Samson knew nothing about these people . Maybe they were awful . He hoped not . He hoped that at least one of them would like him , and the rest at the very least tolerate him . He doubted that they would keep him . They would take him home , but they would likely bring him back . Nobody ever wanted him . His own mother haven 't wanted him . She had just left him on the front steps of the group home fifteen years ago and run off . He didn 't even know her name . Once the trio reached the bottom of the stairs , they said their goodbyes . Chance and Mel reminded Samson to call them , and he promised he would before separating off from them and starting down the hall . Samson quickened his pace and then met the irritated headmistress Mrs . Brighton , at the door to her office . " Late again , Samantha . " " My name is Samson , " Samson growled under his breath . He normally would have snapped at her , but he knew that now wasn 't the time . Mrs . Brighton shoved him into the room and Samson nearly tripped over himself as he stumbled in . " This is Samantha , " Mrs . Brighton introduced him to the couple and teenagers standing there . Samson smiled at them and then said " Just Sam is fine . " Mr . and Mrs . Crowe smiled brightly as they watched Sam stumble through the door . The couple stood side by side with Mr . Crowe 's arm around the Mrs . They looked like soemething out of a sitcom or TV show . Behind them was Ryan , the oldest . He was in a dress shirt as well as pants and looked more like a casual business man than a teacher . Despite the fact he didn 't technically live at the Crowe 's anymore he still wanted to meet his new sister . Standing beside the young man was a small girl of 9 , Sarah . She had shoulder length brown curly hair . Her smile was almost scary , but it befitted the child . The last person in the back was a taller boy . . . or so it seemed . Al was standing in the back more as an observer than anything . She was dressed in a large sweatshirt with an Against Me ! logo . Her hair was in a short bob that framed her face perfectly . She had a pair of beat up jeans as well as vans . With an almost bored look on her face , Al glanced towards Sam . " Hello Sam , " Ms . Crowe said taking a step closer to the girl . " You look beautiful , " she continued with a bright smile . Something about the woman was warm and welcoming . Unlike most adults , Mrs . Crowe had an approachable aura for teens and young adults . She was youthful looking as well as just straight up pretty . " My name 's Alexis . You can call me Alexis or Mrs . Crowe or whatever you feel comfortable with . This is David my husband . Ryan our oldest son . He 's a teacher . Sarah , she 's really excited about getting a new sister . And in the back is our Allyson . " Each gave their own nod to indicated who Alexis was talking about . Sarah was first to approach Sam . " You 're so pretty ! When we get home I 'll show you my room . It 's filled with unicorns and kitty cats and . . . " Alexis stopped the child before she could continue . Ryan stepped forward next . " Hello , Sam , " he started with a smile , " don 't worry , you 'll get used to the nonstop motor mouth . " He laughed slightly as Sarah pouted slightly . He was going to wait for Sam to reply , but an alarm went off . Ryan pulled out his phone and looked at the notification . Turning to his family , Ryan stated , " Sorry , I have to go . " Alexis smiled indicating that it was fine for him to leave . Lastly , Allyson went up to greet her new sister . " Hey , I 'm Allyson . Call me Al . . . it 's just easier , " she began with a smile . Her face was youthful , but her height made her seem much older . Already she was 5 ' 9 " at 16 . Technically she was still growing , but Al didn 't really care that much . Al looked down at Sam 's bracelets . " You like Against Me ! too ! ! ! " her tone immediately brightened as she reached for the girl 's wrist . Al 's eyes widened slightly when she noticed the scars , but she hid it quickly . With that same smile , Al continued , " Yeah , we 're sharing a room . . . Hope you don 't mind . Now it was Mr . Crowe 's turn . " Sam , it 's nice to meet you , " he began as he stood tall at 6 ' 3 " . Not only was he tall , but his presence was a bit overbearing . Despite this he had a fatherly aura . " The paper work is finished . The car 's parked outside . I 'll get your bags . " He picked up the small bag and led his family to the car . They piled in systematically . Sam was left a seat next to Sarah . " We 're going to have so much fun ! Al never does anything with me . She hates manicures ! Even sparkles ! ! ! Can you believe that ! " Sarah started in her room - filling voice . " Shut up , brat , " Al replied back sharply only to be looked at by her mother . " What ? She 's being a brat ! " Al defended , but instead was greeted by the ' mother ' look . That immediately shut her up . Mr . Crowe was the one to finally say something important , " It 's a bit of a drive . Hope you like Fleetwood Mac because that 's what I like . " He turned on the cd and started the car for the hour long drive . " Thank you , " Samson said quietly when the woman told him me looked beautiful . He knew it was a compliment , but it was a compliment that rattled him to his core . He didn 't want to be pretty . He wasn 't pretty . He was handsome . At least he wanted to be . He pushed his thoughts to the side and gave the woman a smile . " It 's nice to meet all of you . " These people actually seemed okay . Nice , even . He wanted to get out of here , and these people definitely seemed better than the ones who had taken him before . He had to laugh when the youngest girl bounced up to him , a giant , almost creepy grin on her little face . Her words grated on her too . Pretty . There was that word again . Pretty , beautiful , they were all the same . Her mouth was running a thousand miles a minute , and he could just barely understand her . " I would love to see your room , " he said . " I hope you 're right , " he said to Ryan when he said he would get used to Sarah 's quick speaking . He had to get used to things regarding his own speech . He had trained himself to speak lower to sound more boyish , and Ms . Brighton was always telling him to " Stop doing that thing with his voice . " He 'd never meant to speak so low . He 'd just done it involuntarily . Now he really would have to stop . He was surprised when the other girl spoke . Until she had opened her mouth he had actually thought she was a boy . He felt envy bubbling up inside of him . She couldnt be much older than he was and was already taller . Like passable male taller . Samson would give anything just for a growth spurt of a couple more inches . " I do like Against Me ! " he said , happy to have found somebody who liked the same music as he did . He saw her eyes widen when she saw his wrist , and he was quick to pull his hand away . " I don 't mind sharing a room , " he lied . " Anything to get out of here . " In reality he did mind . He didn 't want to be selfish or anything , and under normal circumstances he probably wouldn 't have cared . But his circumstances weren 't normal . Samson himself wasn 't normal and he knew that . Sharing a room meant he would have to be even more secretive than he had originally planned . But he simply grinned and followed the rest of the family outside . He could do this . He could last three years . He had to . " Thank you , " he said when David got his bag for him . He settled in the empty spot in the backseat next to Sarah and mentally groaned when she started talking again . " No , I cant believe that , " he said . In reality , he disliked those things probably more than Al did , but he didn 't want to hurt the girl 's feelings . The family just seemed to go along as the music played . It wasn 't long until Sarah burned herself out and dozed off to sleep . The entire family seemed grateful for that moment . As the car continued on , Ms . Crowe said , " We don 't live too far from the home . If you ever need something from there or anything just tell us . We 'd be more than happy to help . " She trailed off for a second before adding , " Oh , we have pets . Sarah has a bunny named Mr . Floppolopogus . Ryan 's dog , Albert , is a retriever who pretty much just lounges the entire day and Al has a cat . . . we call him Panther . He 's all black . Don 't worry they 're all rather friendly . We asked pior and Ms . Brighton said that you aren 't allergic to pets . Panther sleeps in Al 's room so you 'll be seeing a lot of him . " Al was plugged into her head phones as she dozed in and out of sleep for the duration of the ride . All the while , Mr . Crowe was humming along to the CD . When they got home the family got out . Al was one of the first . She hated long car rides . It took her a moment to catch her breath . Then she followed her mother to the door . Mr . Crowe got Sam 's bags and also carried Sarah into the house . For an older man , Mr . Crowe was rather strong . . . probably because he was a veteran . Ms . Crowe opened the door and ushered the family inside . Al went straight to her room leading Sam with her . " It 's near the back , " Al stated as they reached the most secluded room in the house . When the door opened a rather large room was revealed . There were two beds , each on the opposite side of the room . There were two separate dressers and one closet . The two would have to share a closet , but their dressers were apart . " I just have a few rules , " Al started as she took a seat on her bed , " don 't touch my homework , boards , or music without my permission . If you can do that we 'll get along fine . You can borrow any of my clothes without asking . I really don 't care . But from the looks of it , " Al looked Sam up and down , " you probably wouldn 't like them . " Al looked into Sam 's eyes and said , " I understand that you 've had a rough life . But that isn 't the solution . " Al was referencing the scars on Sam 's wrists . " I won 't tell anyone , but you have to stop , " Al realized that she was being a bit of a hypocrite . She sighed and continued rolling up her pant leg to reveal similar marks . Though they were much older , the similarities were there . " My mother died a few years back . I got depressed and life was hard . For me it was a way to deal with the pain physically instead of mentally . " She rolled down the pant leg and continued , " If you ever need to talk , just know I 'll always be willing to listen . " With that last statement Al smiled warmly and stood . " In this household just be yourself . Don 't hide anything and if you 're ashamed of it , you probably shouldn 't be carring it around on your own . So , just don 't wait up , " she finished before walking out of the room to give Sam some space . Samson grinned as Mrs . Crowe mentioned that they had pets . He loved animals , but they weren 't exactly common in the foster home . There had been some stray dogs and cats that had often wandered around outside the place . He and his friends had often left food out for them , not wanting the poor things to starve . Mrs . Brighton had caught them eventually and put a stop to that . To say that she had been pissed would be a huge understatement . " No , I 'm not allergic , " he said . " I love animals . I 've never gotten to have pets before aside from a couple of stray animals I used to feed . " When the car stopped , Sam got out and followed Al inside . The house seemed nice . Certainly nice than anywhere he had ever lived before . Most of the families who had tried him out hadn 't had places anywhere near this nice . " Nice place , " he commented , giving Mr . and Mrs . Crowe a small smile before darting off after Al in an attempt to keep up with the girl . He shuffled hesitantly into the secluded bedroom and set his bag down next to the door . " Don 't worry , " Samson said . " I won 't touch your stuff . I don 't have much , but I know I wouldn 't want anybody else touching my stuff either . " He looked down at himself when Al commented on his clothing . He had almost forgotten what he was wearing . " Oh , " he laughed . " I don 't usually dress like this at all . I only did it today because I was forced to . I usually dress more like you do . You can borrow my clothes sometimes if you want . I 'm more than happy to share if you are . " He knelt down and began taking his clothes out of his bag , leaving the roll of ace bandage in the bottom so that Al wouldn 't see it . He moved to put his clothing away in his dresser , looking up as Al commented on his scars , saying that she knew he had had a hard life . " Yeah , he said . " You don 't know the half of it . " And she didn 't . How could she ? She had never dealt with gender issues as far as he knew . His words to Mel went through his mind as Al spoke to him . No promises . He didn 't say this to her though . He couldn 't . He just nodded . " Thank you , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry about your mother . " And then she was gone . He was in the room alone . He finished putting away his things in complete silence , shoving the roll of bandages in the back of one of the the drawers and then went off to find Al or somebody else again . He wasn 't sure about the rest of them , but he definitely liked Al . Al wasn 't sure what to make of Sam . Obviously there was some really bad issues , but that was a given with foster kids . She walked out of the room and went into the kitchen where she found Mrs . Crowe making a few snacks . Al took a piece of cucumber before seeing that there was a message on her phone . Because they picked up Sam today , Mrs . Crowe made everyone leave their phones behind . She was being asked if she wanted to hang out with the guys . As usual they were probably going to do something either illegal or close to it . She just smiled at the thought . Even though she wanted to go , there was no way Al would be able to get out . She sighed and turned the phone off . Sarah had popped into Al 's room and smiled at Sam . " You can unpack later . Come with me , " Sarah was now pulling on Sam 's sleeve urging him to follow her to the room . " You have to meet Mr . Floppolopogus ! " Sarah 's room was pink and the epitome of an 8 year old 's pretty princess castle . Not only did her bed have a canopy , but it was covered with sparkles . There were stuffed animals galore . Sarah continued to talk , but this time it was about Al . " Allyson 's no fun . She hates my room . Why would a girl hate pink ? It 's just not normal . She looks like a guy . Not only that but she doesn 't go to mass with us every Sunday . " Mrs . Crowe got a call and decided to take it into the other room . On the other end was Mr . Warren , the principal . They were discussing how school would go . Sam would share two classes with Al and have Ryan as her teacher for another . The last class she 'd be on her own . The principal was making exceptions so Al could walk Sam to class . Unlike many schools , Sam wouldn 't have to introduce himself in front of the class . Instead he could just sit down and be like the other students . Thankfully they had started a new semester so it wouldn 't be that difficult for Sam to catch up . Seeing that her mother was gone , Al walked back to find Sarah talking to Sam again . " Beat it brat , " she said as she grabbed Sam 's hand . Dragging him back into Al 's room , Al ordered , " Get into something you can move in . We 're going to have some fun . " Al grabbed her backpack and threw her wallet into it along with her mouthpieces for brass instruments . She had a plan to get out of the house . " Don 't worry , I 'll snag some of the cookies MoMo 's making , " Al disappeared for a second to make sure that Mrs . Crowe was still talking on the phone . " Hurry up , " she instructed thinking of how they were going to make their escape . Samson had barely taken two steps out of the bedroom before Sarah poked her head around the corner and insisted that he meet her rabbit now and unpack later . The girl pulled on his sleeve and he put down his empty bag before following her to the bedroom . It looked exactly how he had expected it to ; pink , sparkly , and girlie as you could possibly get , with stuffed animals just about everywhere . He frowned at the child 's comments on Al . He liked Al . She seemed nice . " There are lots of girls who don 't like pink , " Samson said . " My friend Mel back at the foster home doesn 't like pink at all . She likes black a lot more . " " Lots of girls look like boys , " he explained . " And sometimes boys look like girls . There 's nothing wrong with that . If you think about it , nobody 's really normal . We 're all so different that there can 't really be a normal . " He didn 't say anything about Al 's not going to mass . Samson himself had only been to church a couple of times , forced to go by Mrs . Brighton . He could never really bring himself to believe any of the stuff he heard there . It all just sounded silly to him , and in all honestly , he couldn 't really believe that any sort of loving God would create him the way he was , with crippling dysphoria and without a family who loved him . He wasn 't sure what to say to Sarah , and breathed a sigh of relief when Al came and pulled him from Sarah 's room . They wound up back in Al 's bedroom , and she was telling him to change . Finally . He needed to get out of these clothes . He dug through his dresser until he found a pair of baggy jeans and a Mindless Self Indulgence t - shirt that was slightly too large on him . Good . It would make his breasts less obvious . It wasn 't binding , but it was better than nothing . " Yeah , I 'm hurrying , " he said as he scrambled to change his clothes . He slipped out of the room and over to Al again . " Where are we even going ? " he asked , slightly confused but still excited . Al smiled as she waved Sam on . " Come on , " she said as she moved through the house and out the back . If they got away now there 'd be nothing the Crowe 's could do about them . The house was rather ridiculous to get out of because of the wooden fence that surrounded it . Al knew how to get around everything though . Despite this , she was worried about Sam 's ability to keep up . When Al looked back to see where Sam was , she realized that Sam looked more like a guy . Well , she was much shorter than an average guy , but it wasn 't that much off . She smiled and looked back , " You look better in those clothes . . . But I think you could use a better bra . " She teased with a smile . " Don 't worry , we can find one later . " Al then found the opening in the fence and slipped through . Al walked quickly to get away from the suburbs . They were just a few miles from the main city anyways . " Hurry up , " she repeated moving faster than before . They had to cross a major highway , but it wasn 't that bad . When they reached the six lane street , Al stopped saying , " We aren 't that far . Just cross this highway and we 'll be in the city . Ever been to a jazz club ? " She smiled with a bit of mishiff thrown in . Back at home , Mrs . Crowe hung up the phone was was going to see what Sam and Al were up to , but noticed that Al 's phone was gone . She poked her head into Sarah 's room and asked , " Honey , have you seen Al and Sam ? " Already , Mrs . Crowe knew the answer . " They left about ten minutes ago , " Sarah replied as she brushed one of her doll 's hair . " I don 't know where they went , " she continued before holding up the doll . " Do you think she needs more more glitter ? " Sarah asked as she thought about the question herself . Samson hesitated for a moment , and then followed Al out the back door of the house . He felt a lot less anxious in the clothes he normally wore . There was the issue of his chest , but he figured he should be counting his blessings at this point . Being out of those girlie clothes was good enough for him , at least for now . He slipped through the opening in the fence and glanced around , taking his first real look at the place that surrounded him . He felt free . He was so happy to be out of the foster home , away from Mrs . Brighton 's poor treatment of him . He couldn 't be himself here , not really , but the less frills he found himself in , the happier he would be . " I feel better in them , " he said , grinning as Al spoke to him . " I 'm not a fan of the stuff I usually get forced to wear back at the home . It 's always too girlie , or at the very least way too tight . I like loose fitting stuff . I like being able to move around . " He just laughed when Al said that he could probably use a better bra . That was probably true . Mel 's bra fit him okay , but not as well as it could . He didn 't really care . He would much rather be binding than wearing a bra , and how well whatever bra he was forced to wear fit him had never really mattered much to him . He quickened his pace to keep up with Al . Damn his short legs . " Sorry ! " he apologized quickly , and then shook his head in answer to her question . " No , " he said . " At least I don 't think I have . I 've been to a couple of places for rock concerts and stuff , but other than that and school I never really got out a whole lot . Didn 't really help when the venue I used to go to shows at got torn down . " He frowned at the thought . The closing down of the place had left him mostly hiding away in his bedroom to avoid the taunts of the other children in the foster home . He never really had gone out much once the place had been torn down , and school had become even more of a living hell for him . He was happy to finally be out of the foster home , if only for a short while . Every family who had seemingly rescued him from that place had brought him back . He didn 't really think that these people would be any different , no matter how much he hoped they would be . Al just smiled as she replied , " It 's a lot of fun . Just don 't be too shy . We musicians like to talk . " As they made their way across the roadway , Al saw the mall to their left . " Hey let 's pop in for a second , " Al suggested as she moved towards the mall . Not only did Al have money , but she also had her credit card . Once inside the mall Al smiled and pulled Sam into a sporting goods store . Without saying anything , Al returned quickly with a sports bra . It was a small that looked as if it would provide ample coverage . " Try this on , " Al said as she held it out for Sam . She knew someone who was transgirl and Sam seemed to give off a similar vibe , despite being transguy . In a more hushed voice , Al continued , " I 'll see what I can do to get a proper binding , but for now this can work . " Al had considered being trans due to her affinity towards boy things . After a few months of trying to figure out what she was going to do , which included a lot of research , Al decided to stay a tomboy . It wasn 't that she didn 't like trans , but rather she was comfortable with her body . She didn 't completely understand what Sam was going through , but she had enough knowledge to know how to deal with the situation . With a smile , Al walked over to the changing room and waited for Sam to reappear . She hoped this would help with the insecurity thing . That was the one thing that Al didn 't have many of . . . insecurities . The only thing Al was really concerned with was her weight . When things got rough for her she often didn 't eat . At a time she weighed barely 100lbs . Labeled as an anorexic , Al tried her best to keep the weight on . This was something that she didn 't talk about . It was something that stayed between Alexis and herself . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
The journey continued . There were , as Trinelli expected , a number of times her healing skills were called upon . True to her word , Asphodel helped as much as she could . It was little enough , because the girl had not been trained in healing . She knew nothing at all . Not even the simplest remedies used by almost every housewife in the land . She had been brought up as a privileged daughter of one of the ruling families of Quantissarillishon . Although only minor royalty , she had not had to work , The result was that she knew little of how life would be for most people . She was fascinated by Trinelli 's healing , both the mundane and that which the goddess channelled through her priestess . ' Not much , really . We elves tend to worship Grillon , as the god of nature . We know a little of the others , but Grillon is our god , really . ' ' Well , Sylissa is the god of Life and Healing . She is the twin sister of Kalhera , god of Death . They are like two sides of one coin . Sylissa 's colour is white , as you can see from my robes , while Kalhera 's is black . ' The clerics of Sylissa were the doctors and nurses of the world , but they did not rely wholly on the power of the god to cure sickness and injury . No , they learned other ways too , such as herbs , and manipulation . They could set broken bones , although sometimes they would call upon Sylissa to help . ' You don 't have to . We have some lay people who help us . Why not come to the temple with me and see the Great Mother there . You can decide then what to do . ' All went well during her first year as a novice . Mother Caldo , the Great Mother of the temple praised the young elf , saying she thought she had great potential , and could rise through the ranks quickly . Mother Caldo told Asphodel that she could probably become a Great Mother herself , such was her potential in healing . ' There 's just one thing , though , ' Mother Caldo said one day , in conversation with one of the archbishops . She sighed . ' The girl is lacking in discipline . Sometimes she seems to think she knows better than her superiors . ' ' The consensus of this meeting was that we should try to eliminate evil from the world . The best way to do this , they said , is to refuse aid to those who perpetrate evil . The discussion , apparently , decided against the active persecution and killing , as this would make us as bad as them . The Most High of Sylissa , therefore , has decreed that we will not give aid or healing to such people . ' This cannot be right , she thought . Surely we are supposed to give healing to all comers , regardless of anything they might have done . At least , that 's what I understood I was promising when I took my vows . Asphodel looked at the woman who had helped her up and onto a seat . She was wearing white robes tied with a green sash . Asphodel knew this indicated the woman was a vicar and a cleric of Sylissa , the goddess of healing . The woman looked around forty years old and had a few grey hairs just beginning to appear in her dark hair . Her brown eyes had small laughter lines around them and she smiled at Asphodel . The cleric raised her eyebrows , then replied , ' To Bluehaven ultimately . We pass through a number of other towns though . First we go through several small villages in Erian before we get to the border with Grosmer . There aren 't any large towns between Frelli and Grosmer . ' Asphodel paused , then it all came out in a rush . She told the whole story from meeting Vass to him hitting her . Then her eyes filled with tears and she looked away . The other woman moved across to sit next to the girl . she put her arm around her and said , ' You made a mistake , yes , but we all make mistakes , especially when young . How much did you give the caravan leader ? ' ' But Vass saw which caravan I was on . He 'll get the next one and come after me , I know it . ' Her eyes darted around the wagon as though expecting to see Vass jump out from behind the cloth roof . The cleric patted her hand . ' Don 't worry about than for now , ' she said . ' We 'll sort something out . The next caravan in this direction isn 't for a couple of days . By the way , my name 's Trinelli . ' Trinelli followed the man to a wagon and went inside . Out of curiosity , Asphodel followed . She stood in the entrance to the covered wagon and watched as Trinelli placed her hands on the woman and prayed to Sylissa . The cleric 's head slumped forward . Asphodel watched as the sick woman 's colour began to return . Trinelli , at the same time , became paler . Asphodel almost thought she could see something flowing from Trinelli to the woman , but then she decided she was imagining it . ' Yes . When I - or any of us - heals someone , the goddess sends her power , but it also takes some of our life essence to work . That 's why we 're always tired after healing . ' ' I thought I saw something going from you to her , ' Asphodel said . ' I couldn 't have , though , could I ? What you give her is invisible . ' The caravan stopped for the night . The caravan leader came to Asphodel and told her that her money had only given her passage to the next village . The girl looked frightened . ' I have this ring . ' She reluctantly held out the ring she had picked up before leaving . ' It was my grandmother 's . I think it 's valuable . ' ' Well , she can 't have free passage . ' He shrugged . ' She has nothing else . Seems it 's the ring or she leaves next stop . ' ' I can 't let you pay for me , ' Asphodel protested . ' That 's a lot of money . When we get to a town , I 'll sell my ring and pay you back , I promise . ' ' You 'll do no such thing . If you want to pay me back you can help me when I go to heal people . People are always getting sick or hurt on these journeys . Your help will be worth more to me than coin . I 'm going to Bluehaven , to the temple there , so I paid enough for you to get there too . ' Has Asphodel has found a means to get far enough away from Vass ? How can she help a healer ? She 's been brought up as one of the privileged classes in Elven society . How can she help a healer when she has no idea of healing ? Asphodel held the ring tightly in her hand . Her mother had given it to her not long before she left Rindisillaron . It had been her grandmother 's ring and she felt an emotional attachment to it . Although elves lived long lives in comparison with humans , they did not , contrary to popular belief , live forever , nor were they immune from diseases that ravaged the world of Vimar . Her grandmother had succumbed to one of these diseases the previous year . She wanted Asphodel to have her engagement ring as a keepsake . Now , Asphodel clutched the ring as she wept for what she knew would never be . Vass had become addicted to the drugs and alcohol that his so - called friends had plied him with . He would never make the fortune he had promised her . All his money , and hers , had gone on his own addiction and not to selling the goods to others . She packed her few belongings and searched the apartment for anything she could sell , and for some food . She packed it all into the pack she had carried away from Quatissillaron when she and Vass had eloped . She paused to think for a moment before opening it again and taking out half of the food . She could not leave Vass with nothing . The few objects she had stuffed in , she left there . After all , Vass had plenty money with her jewellery . How he chose to use it was up to him . She blew her nose , looked round the apartment that now looked presentable after all her efforts and walked out of the door . She looked both ways along the street . A few people were going about their business , but they took no notice of a girl coming out of her apartment . Vass was nowhere in sight . Asphodel supposed he had gone to sell her jewellery . The jeweller 's shop was to the right , so she went left in the direction of her workplace . It was dark on the street and Asphodel felt a little afraid as she walked . Where could she go ? Perhaps her employer would allow her to spend the night there , then she could go and see if she could find a caravan going away from Frelli . If she could find her way to the caravanserai through the winding , spiral streets of the city . ' I need to get away , ' she said . ' I 'm sure Vass will try to find me . I need to go a long way away . I can 't go back to him . ' ' Of course you can 't , ' she said . ' Men who hit women never change . Oh , they say they 're sorry and perhaps they are , but then the drink and drugs will take over again and it will keep on happening . ' ' I still love him , ' said Asphodel , raising her tear - streaked face . ' I don 't know why , after what he 's done . Not only to me , but to others by selling them drugs . He started selling before he started taking them . I know if I saw him , and he asked me , I 'd go back to him . That 's why I need to get right away . ' The next morning , Krommel told one of his sons to escort Asphodel to the caravanserai . Asphodel was glad of his company and guidance as she knew she would never have found it on her own . It lay just inside the walls to the west . Which one to take ? There were several that looked ready to leave . suddenly , Asphodel saw , through the crowds , a familiar figure . Vass . He looked angry as he pushed people aside . His head turned this way and that , looking . How had he found out where she was ? Had Krommel told him ? No , her former employer wouldn 't have done , she was certain of that . Perhaps he just guessed . Then he spotted her . He reached into his pocket and gave something to a small figure . It was Krommel 's son . Vass had bribed the child into saying where he 'd taken her . She could not blame the child . No one had told him not to tell Vass . Once in the village , the pair found an inn where they booked a room for three nights . Vass said if there were work in this village they would see about finding a more permanent place to stay , if not , they would need to move on . After all , their money and Asphodel 's jewellery would not last for ever . ' Hmm . ' The old woman peered again at Asphodel , then said , ' I 'll have to believe you . I don 't know anything about elves so I can 't tell if you 're lying or not . ' She turned round and reached up to a box on a shelf behind her . She weighed out some of the herbs then reached for another box . From this one she added a different herb . She put them into a pestle and began mixing them together . They did not find any work in the village , and so they left after their second night at the inn . Vass thought they should go to Frelli , the capital of Erian . There would be more work there , he reasoned , and so they set off once again . ' So this is Frelli , ' Asphodel said , as they searched for an inn . ' I 'm not sure I like it very much . Not much in the way of trees is there . ' The pair found an inn , and the next morning set off to try to find work . Asphodel quickly found a scribe who was looking for someone who could read and write . His last clerk had left the previous week . Vass , on the other hand , found work more difficult to come by . He had no skills required by the businesses in Frelli . ' What ? Get myself filthy ? Darling , I don 't want to come home to you dirty . ' He lifted up a lock of her black hair and kissed it . ' I have more respect for you than to expect you to live with someone who 's dirty . ' Vass left again the following morning to look for work and for somewhere for them to live . After all they could not live at the inn . It would be far too expensive . Asphodel left soon afterwards to begin her new job at the scribe 's office . At the end of the day , she rushed back to the inn to tell Vass about her day . He told her he had not looked for a job that day , but had found them somewhere to live . He had put down a deposit and they could move in immediately . Vas put his arms round her and said , ' Asphodel , my darling , I daren 't wait . The place might have gone by the time you got home . There aren 't many places to rent in this city , you know . I had to make a decision straight away . ' Asphodel was appalled . It was in the poorest quarter of the city with rats running around in the filthy street . The apartment itself was one room . It had a filthy rug in the centre of the room and a sofa that looked as if it had been dragged in from the rubbish tip . It , too . was filthy . There was a greasy sink in one corner of the room , and a fireplace with an oven at the side . In the fireplace were ashes left from several fires . ' I suppose it won 't be too bad if I can get it clean . I 'll start now . It 's a good job we ate before we left the inn . I wouldn 't like to eat anything that had been cooked in here . ' Asphodel spent the evening cleaning . She did not get everything to her liking , but it was better than before . She killed at least two dozen cockroaches , and went out to buy mousetraps as she felt sure there must be mice there . A large cupboard stood next to the sink , and this she filled with cleaning products and then she cleaned out a small cupboard with a mesh front for food . The bed she could do little about , but she determined to wash the sheets the next day . They had access to a small garden at the back of the house and she thought she could wash the sheets before she went to work the next day and with any luck they would be dry when she got home . The mattress she could do little about that night , but decided that one of the first things she would do would be to go out and sell some of her jewellery and buy a new one . ' S - sorry , ' stammered Vass . ' I meeted , no , met , shome blokes in the tavern . ' He staggered . ' They shtold me all shorts of shtuff . Oh , I feel shick . ' The next weeks followed a similar pattern . Asphodel cleaned before and after work and Vass went out to meet his new friends . Each evening he came home drunk . Sometimes more , sometimes less . One evening Vass did not arrive home at all . Asphodel was at last satisfied with what she had done to the apartment and had been out and bought some flowers and put them on the table . she cooked a meal with what they could afford and waited for Vass to arrive . The meal got cold , then congealed . Asphodel threw it away . The night crept on and Asphodel fell asleep on a chair . She worried that Vass had gone somewhere else in Frelli and had got lost in the maze of streets . The layout of the city was confusing . It appeared to be straightforward , with the roads spiralling towards the castle , but in reality it was a maze . ' Asphodel , ' Vass said , taking her in his arms . ' You look awful . So tired . ' He ran a finger over her eyes . ' You mustn 't go to work today , but sleep to get your beauty back . ' ' I must , ' she told him . ' You 've no job and we need money . You 're spending what I earn drinking with your friends . ' Vass laughed . ' I 'm investing it , ' he replied . ' My friends can get me work . I need to keep on their good sides though , so I must drink with them . ' At first they passed through the forest Asphodel knew . she had not been far away from Quantissarillishon , but had played in the forest around as she grew up . She knew the little streams and the tall trees . She could tell Vass which ones were the best to climb and which were almost impossible . She laughed as she pointed out one where Liss had got stuck when he climbed up too high . He was there for several hours until his father came and helped him down . They held hands as they walked , and did not stop even to eat . Asphodel took out some food she had pilfered from her mother 's pantry and they ate as they walked . Vass said they needed to get as far away as possible . Although Asphodel 's parents were away for a few days , Vass was unsure how long Liss 's parents would wait before becoming anxious . Certaily they would not worry until after nightfall , but would they be anxious then when he did not return for the night . He suspected they would . After all , he was their responsibility while staying with them . ' We can stay here for the night , ' he said . ' We 'll need a fire , though . You get water from the stream while I gather wood . ' Asphodel sat down and watched with interest . After cutting the turf and setting it aside to replace after they had finished with the fire , Vass picked up a stone from a pile he had collected . They were fairly large and he built a ring around the hearth . He picked up some dry leaves and placed them in the centre of the hearth before laying some small twigs over the top or them . Once he had everything prepared , he took a small metal box from his pack . When he opened it , he removed , a piece of steel . and a small sharpened piece of flint which he struck against the steel . Inside the box was some tinder and when the sparks from the steel fell onto it , it began to smoulder . Vass then blew gently and , taking a wooden splint , he lit it and applied it to the dry leaves . Asphodel looked around the clearing , fear showing in her eyes . She had not thought of wild animals , but of course , there would be bears , wolves and wild boar at the least . She realised how unprepared she was for this adventure . ' We must take it in turns to watch it . It 's not like having a full night 's sleep , and we 'll be more tired tomorrow , but it 's necessary . I 'd let you sleep , but I need some too . ' Vass frowned . ' Surely you knew what would happen if you came away with me ? I want us to be married , but there 's no need to wait . We 're not in Quantisarillishon now . ' ' Oh , Vass , I 'm worried about the pregnancy thing . I know elves expect youngsters to experiment , and it 's not really frowned on , but illegitimacy is . We 're expected to make sure we don 't get pregnant . ' Asphodel 's eyes filled with tears that she quickly brushed away . She was not going to let Vass 's anger upset her . This was their first quarrel , and undoubtedly they would have many more over their long lifetimes . She would get used to it , she determined , and not let it get to her . After a while , she felt her eyes closing . She stood up and walked around the clearing , gathering some more wood to put on the fire as it seemed to her to be getting low . The walking cleared her head a little , and as she sat down again , Ullin , the silver moon , broke through the clouds above the clearing turning everything silvery . Asphodel smiled . Ullin was full , and seemed to be smiling . The next morning , when Asphodel woke , Vass was putting the fire out . He removed the stones by kicking them out of the way . They were still hot . Then Asphodel watched as he replaced the turf he had cut away . Soon it would be difficult to see anyone had lit a fire here . Was she ? She could turn back now . Perhaps her parents had not come home from Daisy 's yet . and would not know of her escapade If they did know they would be angry , yes . Very angry . She would undoubtedly be punished severely , but they would forgive her . Frishillondor was not too bad . He was quite good looking for a man her father 's age , and he seemed kind . She might get to love him , eventually . ' Then why wait for us to make love ? You know elves have few babies . We 're not a very fertile species , unlike humans . It would be very unlikely you would become pregnant before we could get married . ' Her grey eyes took on a steely glint . ' Unlikely isn 't impossible , Vass . My mother had two babies whereas most elves only have one . We are of House Royal , and you know there are twins in the Royal line . We are more fertile than most elves . I 'm not risking it . ' Vass relapsed into silence and they continued walking . Then he suddenly turned to her and said , ' You are a most stubborn girl , Aspholessaria . ' He softened his words with a smile and bent to kiss her gently . Three days passed as they walked through the forest . There had been no sign of pursuit , nor any dangers from the denizens of the forest , either . Vass had been right about the fire keeping wild beasts away . After these three days , the trees thinned and then they met a track leading westwards . They followed it and soon saw smoke rising from chimneys in a small human village . How will Asphodel and Vass 's relationship progress now they are in human lands ? Will their parents find them or will they get married and live happily ever after ? Come back on the first Tuesday of January to find out . Asphodel left the house , tears streaming down her face . She would go to Vass . He would have a solution to this . She could not , would not marry this man . He was old , in spite of what her father said . It was wrong to force someone to marry against their will . It was one thing if the two people both agreed to the arrangement , but she did not agree . She loved Vass . If she married Frishillondor she would never be able to see Vass again . she could not bear that thought . She ran down the path leading to where he was staying with his cousin , Liss . It so happened that the two young men were just leaving the house . Vass ran to Asphodel and took her in his arms . ' Vass , it 's terrible . Father has arranged a marriage for me with a man who himself is old enough to be my father . I told father I won 't marry him and ran out of the house . He 'll be so angry . He 'll make me marry Frishillondor , I just know it . ' ' Asphodel , I swear I won 't let this marriage go ahead . I love you and you love me . It 's right we should be together , and this marriage is all wrong . ' ' But what are we going to do ? I know we should be together , Vass , and somehow I 'll make sure we will be . I don 't know how , just yet , but whatever happens , I won 't marry this man . ' Asphodel 's tears had stopped . She clenched her fists pressed her lips together and looked up at Vass . She saw his smile and her heart beat faster . Yes , this was the right man for her , not Frishillondor . Liss shrugged . ' It might not be easy to persuade them . After all , they would be likely to agree with Asphodel 's parents , that it 's her duty to marry the man they choose for her . ' ' No , they won 't mind . In fact they won 't even know until Asphodel tells them . They 've gone away to stay with her sister for a few days . ' ' O - Oh , er . I don 't know . Daisy , that 's Dassirrola , my sister , is expecting a baby any day and I think they 'll stay until she 's had it . ' ' Oh , I understand that , ' said Liss 's mother . ' Your mother is so lucky having two of you . That 's rare in elvenkind . Most of us have to make do with one child . ' Vass almost broke out laughing , and Liss 's jaw nearly dropped to the floor . How easy it had turned out to be after all . No arguing a case for Asphodel to stay after all . His kind - hearted mother had done it for them . Once there , he took her hand and said , ' I hardly slept last night , darling . I was thinking and thinking how we can be together and I came to the conclusion there is only one way . We must run away . ' ' Not to anywhere in Rindissillaron . This is a big continent . We could go to Erian . They 'd not find us there . But we must go quickly . Your parents will be already looking for you . First they 'll think you stayed with Sissi and not worry , but this evening they 'll begin asking . It won 't take them long before they think of looking here . We should go tonight , or at the latest , tomorrow morning . ' ' Then we 'll go . I have a few jewels and a little money . If I can get them without my parents seeing me , then I will . We 'll need money . ' ' I 've a little money too . Not much , but I can work , and you can read and write so you can get a job as a scribe , I expect . We 'll get along just fine . ' Vass laughed . ' No , but we 're both intelligent people and we learned Elvish , didn 't we ? How hard can it be to learn Erian ? ' She wandered out into the city . She had an errand to do for her mother anyway , but she found her steps taking her towards where Linn lived . As she passed his house , the two young men came out . ' Asphodel , ' called Vass . ' I 'm so glad we 've seen you . Are you and Sissi going to Allimissoro 's tonight ? Liss and I are , and I 'd very much like it if you were there too . ' ' I don 't know , ' replied the girl . ' I 've not seen Sissi for a couple of days . I 'll go and ask her later , when I 've done the jobs mother wants me to do . ' Later , Sissi agreed to go to Allimissoro 's that evening to meet the two young men . Asphodel was still in confusion . Vass had said he would like it if they were there , but did he mean her , Sissi or both of them ? Later that evening , it became apparent that Vass 's interest was in Asphodel . He danced with her all evening and hardly took his eyes from her when he was not dancing . That evening he walked her home without the accompaniment of Sissi and Liss , who walked home separately . Half - way to Asphodel 's home , their hands touched . Asphodel 's stomach turned over again as Vass took her hand in his . They walked along in silence , each happy in the other 's company . The world around them had vanished . There was only Vass in the world as far as Asphodel was concerned . All too soon the walk ended and they stood outside Asphodel 's home . Vass put a fnger under Asphodel 's chin and lifted her face , then he bent his head to kiss her . When his lips met hers she thought she would faint with pleasure . Asphodel and Sissi 's visits to Allimissoro 's became more frequent over the next few months . She did not deliberately keep her relationship with Vass secret from her parents , but she just never bothered to tell them . It didn 't seem important they should know . She was engrossed in her growing relationship with Vass . That was all that seemed important to the girl . He was kind and attentive and always complemented her on how she looked . Soon the pair took to meeting other than at Allimissoro 's and took frequent walks in the land outside the city . If her mother thought anything , she assumed her daughter was out with Sissi somewhere . ' I have something to tell you , ' he said . ' You remember Frishillondor ? He came here not long ago , to eat with us as I had business with him and wanted to help it along . Well , it seems he was quite taken with you and he 's asked me for your hand in marriage . ' ' Yes , it 's quite a surprise , isn 't it ? And quite an honour too . Your mother is thrilled . He 's nearer in blood to the Elflord than even we are . His sister is the Elflord 's mother . Fancy that ! So of course I agreed immediately . ' ' Now , now , child , ' her father replied gently . ' He 's not so old . He 's younger than me . Anyway , I insist on this marriage . It 'll be a big boost to our family . All our businesses will benefit greatly with him as a sponsor . ' Things go from bad to worse when the Galvadi Empire develops a new technology to use against the shadow stalkers . Now Kado and Makari are more determined than ever to keep Auren away from their enemies , but Auren decides enough is enough and takes matters into her own hands . She turns herself over to the Galvadi to get close to Drevin and Makari has no choice but to play along . He is forced to either torture Auren to prove his loyalty or die knowing she will be tortured and enslaved anyway . Somehow they have to get close enough to Drevin to bring him down and put an end to the Galvadi 's tyranny once and for all . Renee Scattergood lives in Australia with her husband , Nathan , and daughter , Taiya . She has always been a fan of fantasy and was inspired to become a story - teller by George Lucas , but didn 't start considering writing down her stories until she reached her late twenties . Now she enjoys writing dark fantasy , and she 'd dabbling with paranormal thrillers under a pen name . Welcome back , Renee . I 'm so glad you can visit again . Tell us a bit about Shadow Stalker Book 2 . I 'm susre everyone will want to know what 's happening to Auren after Book 1 . Auren finally meets Shai , Kado 's daughter , but she is too weak from her months of torture to escape the reconciliation center . Makari takes over Shai 's cleansing sessions , but that means Auren will face daily torture again . To make things worse , Makari disappears and Auren is given a task that means taking the life of someone she loves . Makari has decided to stay with the Galvadi for Auren 's protection . Auren and Shai are on their own , and nature seems to be against them . After being seriously injured , Auren falls ill and it starts to look like they will never reach their meeting spot with Kado on the southern shore . Book 2 lives up to all the promises of Book 1 . Auren has to escape from the Galvadi , which she does with the help of the Emperor 's son , Makari . The two of them fell in love when he went to torture her . She discovers another young shadow stalker imprisoned and the two of them , with the help of Makari , plan their escape . It does not go according to plan , however and the dangers are still around her . Makari , too , has to face dangers of his own . Auren is a well - drawn heroine . She is realistic and has her faults as well as her good points . She feels fear and anxiety , just as anyone would in those circumstances . Ms Scattergood 's characterisation of all her characters is good . Both books are well worth a read and I can 't wait for the day book 3 is released . Renee Scattergood lives in Australia with her husband , Nathan , and daughter , Taiya . She has always been a fan of fantasy and was inspired to become a story - teller by George Lucas , but didn 't start considering writing down her stories until she reached her late twenties . Now she enjoys writing dark fantasy , and she 'd dabbling with paranormal thrillers under a pen name . There will be another visit by Renee on Tuesday 27th September when I 'll be reviewing Book 3 of the Shadow Stalker books . I won 't therefore be posting on that Tuesday as usual . I have work to do on the edited copy of The Wolf Pack my publisher has sent me . Look for my next post the following Tuesday , October 4th , when , as it 's the first Tuesday of October . I 'll be posting the next episode in Asphodel 's story . Today I am going to start telling you the story of Asphodel , whom you can find in The Wolf Pack . Book 1 of The Wolves of Vimar Series . You will have noticed I use her name a lot . I like her and the way she stands up for what she believes in , regardless of authority . This gets her into trouble quite a lot . ' I 'm meeting Syssillina , mother , ' she replied . ' There 's a new place opened across the other side of Quantisarillishon . It 's called Allimissoro 's and it 's supposed to be good . We 're going there to suss it out . ' ' I wish you 'd refrain from using those slang words , dear . So common . Don 't forget we 're related to the Elf Lord . ' ' My cousin , Gerralishirondo , went last night . He says it 's really good , ' said Syssillina as they trotted across the capital city of Rindissarillishan , the land of the elves . ' He says there were some elves there playing music , and everyone was up and dancing . ' The elves built their city of Quantisarillishon deep in the forest . Many who visited it for the first time did not think they had arrived . The elves built so the buildings looked part of the forest . Some of the buildings were even built into the trees themselves with knot holes as windows . Most of the walkways stretched from tree to tree and so to anyone not looking up it would seem there was nothing but forest . The girls trotted along these walkways passing residences and workshops until they arrived at a building that stretched over the branches of several large oaks . Music and laughter came from out of the open doors . The girls stopped and looked at each other . Lanterns wreathed the room and gave a festive air to the surroundings . Seats surrounded small tables , most of which had young elves sitting and chattering . In the centre of the room was a dance floor with a number of young folk dancing to the music . The girls looked around . Where could they sit ? Then Syssillina noticed an empty table close to the band . the girls made their way across to it and sat down to listen to the music . Syssillina went and got them fruit juice from the bar and they sat sipping their drinks . ' Isn 't that LLinisharrovno over there ? ' whispered Asphodel , naming a young man who had been at school with them . ' Who 's that with him ? I 've not seen him before . ' The other young man took another spare seat and smiled a handsome smile that made Asphodel 's stomach turn over . He had blue eyes and blonde hair . He was tall for an elf , being five foot ten and had the build of one who looked after his body and exercised regularly . ' Pleased to meet you . ' he said . ' I 'm new to Quantisarillishon . LLin has been showing me round . It 's a beautiful city , but it pales into insignificance next to the beauty of it 's girls . ' Vass was a wonderful dancer and Asphodel felt she had wings on her feet , he was so easy to dance with . When his hand touched hers , the butterflies began to dance in her stomach again , and she thought she would melt into his blue eyes . Her black hair flew round her head as he twisted and turned her in the dance . He lifted her up and swung her round and she gasped in surprise , which made him laugh . ' I think I 'll probably give it another go , ' answered her friend . ' I enjoyed myself tonight . The music was excellent and the drinks . They 've done wonders with the decor too . ' She thought of the way he had looked into her grey eyes when they danced and her stomach turned again . She thought one minute he liked her best , then the next she thought of how he had looked at Syssi and decided he liked Syssi best . With her thoughts in turmoil , Asphodel fell asleep . Aspholessaria ' I 'm meeting Syssillina , mother , ' she replied . ' There 's a new place opened across the other side of Quantisarillishon . It 's called Allimissoro 's and it 's supposed to be good . We 're going there to suss it out . ' ' I wish you 'd refrain from using those slang words , dear . So common . Don 't forget we 're related to the Elf Lord . ' ' My cousin , Gerralishirondo , went last night . He says it 's really good , ' said Syssillina as they trotted across the capital city of Rindissarillishan , the land of the elves . ' He says there were some elves there playing music , and everyone was up and dancing . ' The elves built their city of Quantisarillishon deep in the forest . Many who visited it for the first time did not think they had arrived . The elves built so the buildings looked part of the forest . Some of the buildings were even built into the trees themselves with knot holes as windows . Most of the walkways stretched from tree to tree and so to anyone not looking up it would seem there was nothing but forest . The girls trotted along these walkways passing residences and workshops until they arrived at a building that stretched over the branches of several large oaks . Music and laughter came from out of the open doors . The girls stopped and looked at each other . Lanterns wreathed the room and gave a festive air to the surroundings . Seats surrounded small tables , most of which had young elves sitting and chattering . In the centre of the room was a dance floor with a number of young folk dancing to the music . The girls looked around . Where could they sit ? Then Syssillina noticed an empty table close to the band . the girls made their way across to it and sat down to listen to the music . Syssillina went and got them fruit juice from the bar and they sat sipping their drinks . ' Isn 't that LLinisharrovno over there ? ' whispered Asphodel , naming a young man who had been at school with them . ' Who 's that with him ? I 've not seen him before . ' The other young man took another spare seat and smiled a handsome smile that made Asphodel 's stomach turn over . He had blue eyes and blonde hair . He was tall for an elf , being five foot ten and had the build of one who looked after his body and exercised regularly . ' Pleased to meet you . ' he said . ' I 'm new to Quantisarillishon . LLin has been showing me round . It 's a beautiful city , but it pales into insignificance next to the beauty of it 's girls . ' Vass was a wonderful dancer and Asphodel felt she had wings on her feet , he was so easy to dance with . When his hand touched hers , the butterflies began to dance in her stomach again , and she thought she would melt into his blue eyes . Her black hair flew round her head as he twisted and turned her in the dance . He lifted her up and swung her round and she gasped in surprise , which made him laugh . ' I think I 'll probably give it another go , ' answered her friend . ' I enjoyed myself tonight . The music was excellent and the drinks . They 've done wonders with the decor too . ' She thought of the way he had looked into her grey eyes when they danced and her stomach turned again . She thought one minute he liked her best , then the next she thought of how he had looked at Syssi and decided he liked Syssi best . With her thoughts in turmoil , Asphodel fell asleep . Aspholessaria ' I 'm meeting Syssillina , mother , ' she replied . ' There 's a new place opened across the other side of Quantisarillishon . It 's called Allimissoro 's and it 's supposed to be good . We 're going there to suss it out . ' ' I wish you 'd refrain from using those slang words , dear . So common . Don 't forget we 're related to the Elf Lord . ' ' My cousin , Gerralishirondo , went last night . He says it 's really good , ' said Syssillina as they trotted across the capital city of Rindissarillishan , the land of the elves . ' He says there were some elves there playing music , and everyone was up and dancing . ' The elves built their city of Quantisarillishon deep in the forest . Many who visited it for the first time did not think they had arrived . The elves built so the buildings looked part of the forest . Some of the buildings were even built into the trees themselves with knot holes as windows . Most of the walkways stretched from tree to tree and so to anyone not looking up it would seem there was nothing but forest . The girls trotted along these walkways passing residences and workshops until they arrived at a building that stretched over the branches of several large oaks . Music and laughter came from out of the open doors . The girls stopped and looked at each other . Lanterns wreathed the room and gave a festive air to the surroundings . Seats surrounded small tables , most of which had young elves sitting and chattering . In the centre of the room was a dance floor with a number of young folk dancing to the music . The girls looked around . Where could they sit ? Then Syssillina noticed an empty table close to the band . the girls made their way across to it and sat down to listen to the music . Syssillina went and got them fruit juice from the bar and they sat sipping their drinks . ' Isn 't that LLinisharrovno over there ? ' whispered Asphodel , naming a young man who had been at school with them . ' Who 's that with him ? I 've not seen him before . ' The other young man took another spare seat and smiled a handsome smile that made Asphodel 's stomach turn over . He had blue eyes and blonde hair . He was tall for an elf , being five foot ten and had the build of one who looked after his body and exercised regularly . ' Pleased to meet you . ' he said . ' I 'm new to Quantisarillishon . LLin has been showing me round . It 's a beautiful city , but it pales into insignificance next to the beauty of it 's girls . ' Vass was a wonderful dancer and Asphodel felt she had wings on her feet , he was so easy to dance with . When his hand touched hers , the butterflies began to dance in her stomach again , and she thought she would melt into his blue eyes . Her black hair flew round her head as he twisted and turned her in the dance . He lifted her up and swung her round and she gasped in surprise , which made him laugh . ' I think I 'll probably give it another go , ' answered her friend . ' I enjoyed myself tonight . The music was excellent and the drinks . They 've done wonders with the decor too . ' She thought of the way he had looked into her grey eyes when they danced and her stomach turned again . She thought one minute he liked her best , then the next she thought of how he had looked at Syssi and decided he liked Syssi best . With her thoughts in turmoil , Asphodel fell asleep . Please leave a comment about this story . I appreciate all feedback , good or bad . I can 't learn and improve if I don 't know what I 'm doing wrong . I was born and educated in the north west of England . I trained as a teacher in Manchester and taught in Salford , Lancashire , Hampshire and Croydon . I write fantasy novels currently . I also make cards , knit , crochet , tat , do cross stitch and paint . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . Privacy & Cookies : This site uses cookies from WordPress . com and selected partners . To find out more , as well as how to remove or block these , see here : Our Cookie Policy |
We accomplished far more this year than I ever imagined possible and I am totally in awe of how God has continued to provide for us . I know it was Him all along . I know He was the one to stir in your hearts , to urge you to pray , to urge you to give , to urge you to buy . Thank you for listening . Thank you for being a part of this amazing year . Thank you for taking this journey with us . When the year started , it started in chaos . Everything fell to pieces . I thought everything was over before it ever started . Be glad you weren 't in Uganda with me in the beginning . All I could do was cry . Not so much for me , even though I was hurt , but my heart broke for the boys . Over night they were almost homeless again and all I could do was watch . I didn 't have a home for them yet and because I put my trust in the wrong people , the boys were suffering . Well thankfully , God had a plan . I see it now . I couldn 't then , but I do now . All I can say is thank goodness I serve a God that catches me every time I screw up and loves these kids more than I can ever imagine . He provided a home , not once but twice . He provided people I could trust . He has provided . We started the year with 8 kids . We now have 21 . It has always been " just one more " . What difference will it make if we take just one more . It doesn 't make so much difference to us , but it makes a difference to him . So we always say yes . Looking back over the year , I have no idea how we have been able to take care of so many kids . Every month , I am stressed to the max about money . Every month , I feel like there isn 't going to be enough . But somehow we always manage . Somehow there is always enough . There have been a lot of lessons learned this year . About myself , about the boys , about faith , about God . There have been a lot of ups and downs this year too . A lot of worry and fear . But here we are , on the eve of a new year . We made it . All of the boys are in the home . They are all happy . They are all healing . I never dreamed any of this would be possible . I am looking forward to the new year . To seeing which " just one more " will be added . To seeing the men these boys are turning into . To seeing what else God has in store for us . Thank you for being here . Thank you for believing in us and what we are doing . Thank you for every prayer you have ever said for us . Thank you for every bead you have purchased . Thank you for caring about these boys . Thank you ! Last week , I sent money to Uganda so the boys could have a nice Christmas . It was their first Christmas in the home , so even though money has been super stretched , I stretched it even further . In Uganda , a lot of families go somewhere on Christmas . So they were going to get to have a chicken dinner ( they love chicken , but rarely have it because it is too expensive . ) and go to the botanical gardens and play . I also sent some money so they could each have a small gift . It was the equivalent of about $ 5 . I talked to the boys the day after and asked how Christmas was and what they did . The went to church , then to the slum , then to the beach ( the gardens increased their entrance fee too much ) . I asked why they went to the slum . I have never been prouder of these boys . Their hearts continue to amaze and humble me . I wish I could take credit . I wish I could say look what these boys have done because of me . These boys know what it is to live on the streets and fight through each day . They know what it is to sleep alone outside in the cold . They know what it is to have to choose between not eating or eating from the trash pile . They know what it is to watch another holiday go by with nothing . They know what it is to be arrested and beaten because they don 't have a family or a home . They know what it is to not be loved . They know what it is to watch other boys get a chance and be certain theirs is never coming . They know . There is a man that I always see at the farmer 's market . He is older , probably in his late 60s or 70s , and we never talked until recently . He asked me if I was a missionary and what I did in Uganda . After I told him , he said he wanted to help and handed me a $ 20 . Almost every time I have seen him since then , he has given me something . One time he stopped and talked more and told me he knew hunger and he knew cold . He was a prisoner of war . He knew . I didn 't have to teach the boys compassion . I didn 't have to teach them empathy . No one had to teach that man either . Their compassion comes from a place of not wanting anyone to suffer like they did . They didn 't give out of their plenty . They gave because they realized being a friend and easing someone else 's suffering is more important than anything they could ever purchase with that money . I know I have said it so many times , but it needs to be said again . I am so grateful to God for bringing these boys into my life . My life has been forever changed because of them . I don 't know how I got so lucky to have them in my life , but I promise you I am the lucky one . I could have chosen to walk away a long time ago , when things got difficult and didn 't go my way . But I am so thankful I listened . Listened to the plan He had for me . Listened to Him calling me to Uganda and urging me to take one more , just one more . Friends , we always have a choice . We don 't have to listen to His calling . The great thing about God is He loves us enough to give us the freedom to make our own choices . And He loves us enough to pick up the pieces when we go our own way and everything blows up in our faces . But I can tell you this , you will never know joy like the joy that comes from listening to Him . It is a joy that never goes away even when times are difficult . It is a joy that lets you smile even when everything is seemingly falling apart . A joy that never leaves you because you have seen God 's work first hand and know how lucky you are that He chose you to be a part of it . Of all the people in the world , He asked you . Shop our Etsy store and give a beautiful gift that changes many lives . The women get paid above market value and are able to take care of their families . The profits support the boys ' home . It helps pay school fees , buy food , pay rent , pay salaries for Ugandans . It really does give hope . It does change lives . Help our boys have an amazing Christmas . Contribute to Christmas dinner . $ 5 will buy one chicken and give the boys a rare treat that they love . Support a boy in someone else 's honor . It costs $ 150 per month per boy to run the home , so any amount will help . This will make sure the kids have a safe place to live , food in their bellies , and a chance at a future . School is starting again the end of January . School supplies aren 't cheap in Uganda either . Consider buying a backpack full of new pencils , pens , crayons , math set , and notebooks for one of the boys . For $ 20 a boy will be set for school for next term . Number one sport in Uganda ? ? ? ? SOCCER ! Help the boys have fun and play like kids should and get them a new soccer ball . $ 8 is all it takes . Want something bigger ? $ 400 will buy all food staples ( beans , rice , posho ) for the home for one month . You want to buy all the fruit and veggies and meat too ? Great ! Add an extra $ 150 . No one will go hungry . Or contribute any amount you want for this . Is education your thing ? Mine too . It changes lives and gives so many opportunities . Give a boy a chance and pay his school fees for a term , or 2 or 3 . $ 40 pays school fees for a boy for a term . Want them to have a safe place to live ? Contribute for rent . Rent is $ 550 per month . It gives us our own space , a compound where the boys can play safely , and most importantly AWAY from the slums . You will be helping to house 22 people , plus a cat . Are you in ? Go to the donate tab at the top and in the memo , indicate your gift choice and where you would like us to send the letter and photo . Got another great idea ? Most of all , I am thankful for a great God that is faithful and good . Time and time again in this journey , He has proven himself more faithful than I could ever imagine . There is always enough . We always seem to manage , have food , clothes , rent . When this world tries to bring us down , He remains the same . Always good , always faithful . When I am ready to give up , He picks me up and pushes me on . He gives the boys just the right words to remind me why I need to keep fighting . Why it is worth it . Yesterday was one of those days . I was talking to the boys on the phone and mostly they were telling me about their exams this week and how they want to go visit their families after exams are over . There are still a few boys that haven 't returned to their families yet . One boy , Jacob , hasn 't returned yet . He didn 't want to go the last 2 times the other boys went . He wasn 't ready and we didn 't push . The boys know that when they want , they can return to their families . So we waited . Yesterday , Jacob was telling me about his training and how much he likes it . He was happy for his new boots and for everything he was learning . He agreed it was a good choice for him and he thinks he will be happy to be a mechanic . He is changing . So are all of the boys . They are slowly becoming the men God created them to be . They are healing and accepting responsibility for their actions . And it is all thanks to God . Philippians 1 : 6 ( The Message ) Of course I realized it was a scam . I had gotten a lot of those emails before . I actually stopped using my Yahoo account because every day I would get a crazy number of those emails . $ 5 . 5 million dollars would change my life . It would change the boys lives and so many more . I didn 't dream of a mansion . I didn 't dream of a fancy car . I dreamed of Uganda . I dreamed of being reunited with kids that I miss so much it hurts . I dreamed of being able to tell other kids that they no longer had to sleep all alone on the streets or wonder where their next meal is coming from . I dreamed of telling people that they finally have a job and their kids can return to school . I dreamed of home . What would have happened if I would have answered that email ? They would have taken what little I do have and life would be a mess for me and the ones I love . Same thing happens when we don 't follow God 's plan for us . We so desperately want what we want sometimes and ignore what He tells us and life becomes a mess . We take the wrong job , hate every minute of it , our lives are miserable , but we insisted on taking it even though God showed us a different way . We get angry . But we didn 't listen . Whose fault is it ? At times , we get so caught up in what we want , we ignore Him and His perfect plans . We don 't wait on Him , we take things into our own hands . And every time , it ends up badly . I dreamed the other night about a project I eventually want to start . It was beautiful and I can 't wait until I finally can . But I know this isn 't the time and I still need to wait . His plan is perfect and when He is ready , it will all come together . Posted by Since the holiday season is quickly approaching , soon we are all going to be consumed with finding the perfect gift for everyone we know . This holiday season , I challenge you to find gifts that are beautiful and wonderful but also that give back . There are so many great companies out there that make great gifts and also pay their workers fair wages , have safe work environments , and are really making a difference in the communities where they work . One of my favorite new ( to me ) companies is Light Gives Heat , www . lightgivesheat . org . They work in Uganda and are doing amazing things with women in Jinja . They employ around ninety women making beautiful jewelry and bags . Check out this video about them , Of course the first thing I told him was time . We are so strict with it and it is really rude to be late , you can even get fired for it and in Uganda it is merely a suggestion . Nothing is ever on time . A friend ( David ) , that I met in Uganda when he was on a mission trip , just started a really cool business . The best part of his new business is he is using it as a way to support causes and organizations that he cares about . And we get to be the first ! For every SIR Case he sells , he is giving a portion to LOT 2545 to help us care for our boys and he is calling the project Beats for the Streets . Just love that name ! ! ! ! It is called SIR Case . " SIR CASE ( Suitcase In Rhythm ) is a modern day boom box . We take vintage cases and pair them with up - cycled speakers to create functional art . " Crossing the Rwandan border back into Uganda . It was in the middle of the night . It was really cold . I was so grateful for my rest in Rwanda , but so happy to be going home . There were no city lights , nothing to get in the way of gazing at the stars . I think that night I saw every start God ever made . It was breath taking . The first time any of the boys said I loved you . That day my fate was sealed . Seeing 8 of the most amazing kids I have ever known get to see their home for the first time . They ran around like maniacs like we were living in a mansion . They were so happy . I was so worried because it wasn 't very big and I thought they weren 't going to like it . But it was home and they loved it . Wandering the streets at night with good friends looking for new boys to tell about the programs . One night in particular we found a boy named Alex . He followed us instantly and decided to show us where all of the boys slept . He ran so quickly to check all of the hiding places , we were all laughing so much that night . The best was seeing some of those boys at programs the next day . Seeing David back in the slum after he had been arrested and had been missing for a long time . I thought I was going to never see him again . Also , finally being able to get Nelson out of prison . He was missing for the longest time before we could find him and then it took forever to get him out . Sitting at the beach , drinking soda and talking to friends while the kids played in the water knowing I had everything I ever wanted . And then laughing all the way home in the taxi because the boys were being outrageous as usual . The boys surprising me with the cutest little kitten . I don 't know how they found him or didn 't wake me up that night but in the morning when they did wake me up , seeing it at my door totally shocked me . He was the cutest kitten I had ever seen . So cute , someone stole him from us . : - ( Now on to the fun giveaway ! There will be 3 prizes , so potentially 3 winners . What will you win ? The contest is open until the end of Next Wednesday ( 10 / 17 ) . I will draw the winner and post it here next Thursday ! Make sure you leave me a comment here and let me know you are entering ! Recently , I went to someone for help . I thought that she was really nice , she seemed very supportive and interested in what is going on in Uganda , so I reached out to her . The last time we talked , she told me if there was anything that she could do to help I just needed to let her know . So I decided to send an email . I explained in my email where I was at , where I was struggling and asked if she could help . Well as you can imagine , I didn 't get a very positive response . Actually , I got a very hurtful and negative response . It would have been better for her to tell me she didn 't want to help but instead she made me feel terrible and like a failure . But I let it go and decided to meet with her anyway ( After she tore me apart in her email , she said we should meet and talk about some options . ) . I prayed that her heart would change . I prayed that God 's will would be done . I prayed that I would let go of my anger and hurt . It was one of the worst meetings of my life . Again I was told I wasn 't good enough . I was interrupted , belittled , told ridiculous things . But God 's will was done and for that I am grateful . I know without a doubt that God is in control of this whole process . I am very positive that He is leading my steps . I know he lead me to start the non profit . I know He gave me the name . I know He is in control . I don 't know why I am not back in Uganda yet , but I know He has a reason for it . I hate waiting , I hate missing the boys , I hate missing seeing them growing and changing . But I wait because I know His plans are far superior to mine and I can take rest in knowing I will be back in Uganda the day I am supposed to be . During this meeting from you know where , I stood up for myself and God 's plan for me . I told her I was very certain God lead me to start a non profit and not go with a mission agency . She continued to tell me that wasn 't good enough . Well eventually I shut down and stopped talking just so I could get out of there . When I did , I went home , prayed that God would just confirm what I am suppose to be doing . That if she was right , He would show me that I should go with a church instead . God used the mailman again ! ( I bet the mailman doesn 't even know that he continues to deliver God 's letters of confirmation to me . How he would be surprised ! ) Coincidence ? ( My next post is number 100 ! I can hardly believe that I have shared on here 100 times . It is amazing . Sometimes I go back and read old posts of when I first got to Uganda . . . Anyway , I have something special planed for number 100 . Stay tuned ! ) Growing up , I never remember a time that I didn 't believe in Jesus . I remember going to church with my mom and dad . I remember throwing temper tantrums because they wouldn 't take me to church with them . That is all before I turned 5 . Later , I would go to church with my grandma . I loved going to church . I loved Jesus and believed in him and His sacrifice for me . Then I grew up . I still loved Jesus . I still believed that He died to save me . I still believed that God was in control of my life and destiny but I stopped liking church . I stopped liking church because of the people I met that claimed to be Christians . I started to feel like they held these impossible standards to live up to all the while lying , cheating , stealing , or whatever . I started to feel like I didn 't want any part of that group . I didn 't want to be part of a group that made people feel so bad about themselves because they weren 't " good " enough . So I stopped going to church . I didn 't go to church for a long time . I felt that my relationship with God was between me and Him , not between me and a bunch of people that I thought were hypocrites . I was probably in my teens when I stopped going to church and didn 't go back to church until I was in my twenties . I still prayed , I still believed , I still loved Him . I didn 't go back to church until a friend invited me to hers . I felt at home there . I didn 't feel judged or like I wasn 't good enough . They reminded us and showed us that we are all sinners , we all make bad choices , we all make mistakes , but there is hope for us . I finally felt like I had found a church where it was ok to not be perfect and if we said we were perfect , obviously it was a lie . I felt like the church reached out to everyone . It wasn 't an exclusive group that you had to earn membership to . It restored my faith in the church and other Christians . It was at that church that my faith grew and I really gave my life over to God . I learned that if we really loved God we had to love His people . I learned that God is love . Plain and simple . God is love . And in order to be living for Him , you have to love His people . My point is that I think Christianity is failing because of us that claim to be Christians . I think so many people are put off by the church because of those of us , myself included , that say we love Jesus and then treat people badly . Because we get on our high horses ( a bit like I am doing now ) and point out others ' failures and faults , all the while not looking at our own . Please don 't think I am excluding myself from this group , because I know I am part of the problem . But my point is we can do better . We should do better . When people see me , the first thing I want them to see is Jesus . I want to be so in love with Him and His ways , that people don 't see me , they see Him . Some days I think I am kind of successful , but some days I know I fail . And I need to do better . Why am I saying all of this ? Because I am almost back to the point of my childhood where I have lost faith in the church and other people claiming to be Christians . Now , thankfully I am older and wiser than me as a teenager . I know there are amazing people out there , living their lives for their Savior and giving it all for Him everyday . I know that we are all sinners and are only saved by grace . I know that I am the biggest sinner of all and need to look at my own eye first . I know God loves me the same as he loves the drug dealer , prostitute , murderer , thief , ( continue to fill in the blank with whatever you want . It won 't change . ) I also know that part of loving God is having a community of believers to share life with ( Hence , why church is important ) . Most importantly , I know not to give up so easily this time . But what if I hadn 't grown in my faith ? What if I was new to the church ? What if I wasn 't sure if I believed in Jesus ? Do you think I would stick around ? Well things are changing with the boys almost daily . Things in Uganda seem to change all the time . We think one thing is going to happen and then it doesn 't . For instance ? I am so sad to report that the uncle was in Dan 's village all day looking for a school for him and none of the schools would take him . Their excuse ? It is the end of the year . It is super frustrating and ridiculous . We are paying for school , so it isn 't like the school isn 't going to benefit from him being there also . But mainly it is super annoying because that means that he is going to be just hanging out or doing odd jobs until the beginning of next year when a school said they would finally take him . Four more months of him doing nothing . Just another reminder that education is not a right in Uganda . It is a privilege and one that is being withheld from so many . Willy never came home after holiday . If you remember the post I wrote about him , you will remember that I said he would rather live in the village than with us . I was hoping for it too . Just not like this . Willy always stays until that last second before school starts to come back . I don 't really know why , but he does . So this time , when he was late coming back , we didn 't worry . The uncle tried calling the dad but never got through . When the day for school to start came and went , we still didn 't worry . It is a really bad habit in Uganda for a lot of kids to not go to school on the first day . The uncle kept trying to call , but never got through . Maybe 2 weeks after school started , the uncle finally reached someone ( his aunt . The dad still ignores his calls . ) . Turns out , his dad got really angry and ran his wife off . * * * Side note - We were considering that Willy should just be resettled and we would pay school fees while he stayed in the village with his dad . We were worried to do that because his dad is very sick and it is inevitable that he is going to die . It could be soon but there is no way to know . His health gets really bad and then he bounces back . If his dad died , we were worried about how the step mom would treat Willy . She has her biological children with Willy 's dad but the rest of Willy 's siblings ( same biological mom and dad ) have run away . So we wanted him to come home and we talk to him and his dad separately about it first . Since he ran his wife off , there is no one to take care of him , the house , or the business . So guess who has to do it ? ? ? YEP ! Willy . That means no school , no education , and who knows what will happen in the future . I am really hoping that Willy and his father are able to repair their relationship and Willy is happy staying in the village . I really hope that his dad will be kinder to him and value him more . Since his dad wants him , there is nothing we can do . We can 't prove abuse and I am not sure that his dad beats him . I think his dad is just really harsh and mean . I think that probably he is verbally abusive . But for now , all we can do is pray for Willy and his father and trust that the Lord will keep him safe . The good thing is if things become too unbearable for Willy , he knows where we live and knows he has a place with us always . In other news , the other boys are doing well and working hard this school term . Dunkan has his sights set on first place in his class . He continues to amaze me day after day . Ronald has started his training for boxing . It seems to have him in great spirits . That last few times I have spoken to him , he has been really happy . He says he is loving his training . It keeps him busy , which is what he really needs . We have finally began to look for garages for three of the boys to start training at . Jacob , Kansiime , and Davis will start training as soon as the uncle can find 3 separate garages for them to train at . They have all grown up so much recently and started to act more responsible and mature , so we decided that it was finally time . We have also found a woman that is a qualified counselor . We have yet to meet her but she was referred to us . The day the uncle had scheduled to meet , she had a family emergency . Things are well and moving on as you can see . I am still back in the US and so desperately want to be back in Uganda . I miss the kids more and more each day . Every time we talk the first thing they ask is when are you coming back . I never have an answer but I keep telling them soon . I would ask that you prayerfully consider helping make that a reality . There are 5 things you can do to help : Sponsor me ( Any amount per month or one time gift would be greatly appreciated . I have been so focused on fundraising for the home and the boys , I only have about 1 / 10 of what I need to live in Uganda . Again no amount is too small to make a difference . ) It seems like I have been in the US forever now and Uganda is still so far away ! It is humbling to talk to the kids and hear the changes that are happening and know that I am not part of it . Most of the kids are finally at a point where everyday they are changing . They are growing up and I can hear it in our phone conversations . I am so happy , overjoyed really , that they are finally getting it . It is also a tad bittersweet . Selfishly , I wish I was there to witness it . I know when I do finally get back , they will be different kids . The uncle , Steven , told me the other day that he was going to send some photos to me because I had taken so long without seeing the boys and I wouldn 't believe how grown they were starting to look . I believe it . I saw a photo of John not too long ago when he went back to his village for the first time . He was definitely starting to look like a young man , not the little boy I left in March . I feel like I am in a really weird place . Not just because I am in one location and desperately wanting to be in another . But mostly because I am in a really weird place spiritually . I am in a place where I am trusting and believing God for a miracle and at the same time angry at Him because I am missing so much . Every day that passes , I feel like I have missed something else of the boys ' lives . Because they came into my life at an older age , there are things that I will never know about them . And I feel like I am missing even more of their lives . Some days it is really hard not to be an emotional wreck . Some days , I feel like it is best to give up because it hurts too much to keep going and it isn 't making a difference anyway . But each day , I manage to keep it together for one more day . To tell myself that we will have the rest of our lives together . Deep down , I know it is worth it . I know they are worth it . I know HE is worth it . Despite me and my almost daily temper tantrums , I know He still loves me more than anything . I know He loves the boys more than I can even begin to . I know He wants what is best for us . I know His plan is far better than mine . I know He is working even though I don 't see it . And most of all , I know through it all , He is in control and He is the one taking care of those boys . I am just the lucky one that gets to tag along . Ibra is about 15 years old and is one of the boys in boarding school . He is in primary 4 and is really held back in school because he is not a very strong reader yet . It is kind of strange because his English is almost perfect . I don 't know where he learned English so well but he is a very clever kid . Ibra is short for Ibrahim . So as his name suggests , his family is muslim . From what I was told , he was living with his mom , was a bit stubborn , decided to run away , and stayed gone for around a year . During the year , he found Jesus , fell in love with Him , gave his life to Him , decided to go back home , and was rejected . His mom was not happy that he was now a Christian and told him he wasn 't welcome . So he came back to the streets . He joined a home for boys a little bit later but the boys in the home had to fend for themselves sometimes because the home was always underfunded . Ibra would go to a certain church a lot . He is very friendly and outspoken , so he made many friends there . He started to be a good leader and show he was really responsible . The leaders for another program for boys on the street recognized this and started to give him more responsibilities in the program . He was proving himself to be trustworthy and on fire for Jesus . A friend of mine realized this and how much potential he had . After speaking with his mom , she offered to put him in a really good Christian boarding school where he could catch up on his studies and continue to grow in his faith . When she left Uganda , I offered to continue to watch after Ibra . He still attends boarding school and stays in the home during the holidays . He is always kind and respectful . He loves to talk but at times talks to much . ( It has kind of gotten him in trouble at school . ) He loves to be helpful and will do whatever you ask of him . He is trustworthy and loves to pray . This last school holiday , he went back to his village and found his grandma . He stayed with her and helped around her house with daily chores . He also reconnected with a neighbor that he was really close to . He calls her mom also . We found out that his mom was actually in Kampala also . The day they tried to visit , they didn 't find her . We will help him to try and rebuild that relationship also . Ibra is a great kid and I know he is going to do great things in the future . Davis is a really special kid . I met him because he used to live at the house I stayed at when I was in Uganda the first time . He unfortunately kept making bad choices and kept running away . The last time he left , he was told if he left , he couldn 't come back . He left anyway . That happened when I was gone . When I got back to Uganda in January , I found him on the street . It seems with these boys , once they start running they don 't stop . As a result , most organizations put a limit on the number of times a boy can come back because usually they will just run again . The worst thing is , sometimes they will take other boys with them or steal things as they leave . A limit kind of makes them think about their plans to run again , but really if a boy has it in his mind to run , he will no matter who is around or what is done to stop him . That is what happened with Davis . I remember being home one time when he chose to run . We all tried to talk him down . It was the most intense of nights . When Davis was on the streets , he would stop by the house sometimes . One time he got really sick so we let him stay the night so he wouldn 't have to sleep outside . The next day he woke up and left . I really didn 't know what to do for Davis . He had a special place in my heart and it made me so sad to see him on the streets . In the other home , he was always really nice to me . He loved my dog so much . He would take her and bathe her . That was no small feat . She hated baths and would go no where near the shower room if she thought she was about to get a bath . She weighed 80 pounds and she definitely wasn 't doing anything she didn 't want . He was patient though and tried to trick her . When that failed , he would just pick her up . I think sometimes my dog was drier than Davis after her bath . It never stopped him though . He tried to befriend my cat too but she kind of hates everyone ( including me ) so he didn 't get very far with her . He kept trying though . I knew Davis had to want to be in the home for it to work . For a while he seemed very indifferent to it . He is a resourceful kid . I am sure for a while he felt like he was doing fine and liked his freedom . I found out that after I left , he had started staying with us more regularly . The uncle knew Davis from before and really loved him a lot too , so he ended up letting Davis stay with us . When I found out he was staying with us , I was really happy . So far things have been going well with Davis . He didn 't want to go back to school . He has never been crazy about it and really struggled . His English is pretty good but he struggles to read . He instead wants to be a mechanic . So for now , Davis is staying at home and learning English and Math better and soon we will start to look for a garage that will train him . I do remember thinking after I knew Joel for a while , he was different . He is older than most of the boys that were at programs . He is around 17 or so . Most of the boys his age didn 't come to programs but spent their days doing drugs and causing problems . Joel would be at programs and would always want to talk . His English is pretty good , so we never had any problems communicating . He would ask questions non - stop ! Things about the US , what I thought about Uganda , anything he thought of he asked . He told me his story . He said that he was working and his mom told him that he needed to move out . So he was giving her money to save for him each week . Well the time came for him to move out and his mom refused to give him the money . So he had to leave and with no money and no place to go , he ended up on the streets . He told me he found his way to Kivulu and saw the programs happening so he just joined in . I remember one time I found him in Kivulu and he looked terrible . His eye was swollen shut , his clothes were bloody , and he was in pain . He had been robbed and beaten . We took him to the hospital and got him treated . ( The doctor was so rude and yelled at me . Actually that happens almost every time I take a kid to the hospital . The doctors are just on power trips and I guess it makes them feel better . ) But Joel 's eye was swollen shut for a long time . It is amazing that there wasn 't permanent damage to it . Joel always cares about what he looks like . When he was on the street , he would pay someone in Kivulu to keep his clothes . Usually it was the man that washes the clothes and then he would pay extra . ( There are little shacks there that run like laundromats . You can take clothes to them and they will wash and iron them . He would pay extra to let them stay there until he needed them . ) Even now , he is always concerned about what he wears and how he looks . A while after meeting Joel , I started to wonder if we could put him in a vocational training program . He told me he had only completed first grade . So that wouldn 't be possible . Most vocational schools want the students to have completed at least the first 4 years of secondary school . Not helpful . Then Joel got an opportunity to have a job , but he refused it . That kind of changed Joel in my mind and everyone else 's , except one . I don 't blame Joel for refusing . Unfortunately , there is very much a culture of waiting for handouts in Uganda . Don 't get me wrong , SO MANY people work so hard EVERY SINGLE day ! They work hard without breaks or vacations and are barely making it by . But because of how aid was previously given ( just handed out with nothing required of the people ) many people prefer to sit and wait for handouts . I don 't blame people for this . It is what they have been conditioned to . It is difficult to change a culture that we helped to create , by we I mean foreigners . Now aid is changing and organizations are going to a more works based form of giving ( teach a trade , the person makes an item , and then gets paid . Essentially , jobs are created but it is still aid . ) . We have the same problems here . It isn 't just in Uganda . Anyway , back to Joel . . . So like many others , Joel had a sense of entitlement . He made an excuse and refused the job . He wanted a sponsor so he could go back to school and he preferred to wait on the streets until that could happen . Eventually , they kicked him out of programs because he was too old . So he started to stay where Tom and Julius were staying . He became really close with that uncle and another friend . She had always loved him and that is how Joel came to be a part of our family . When Julius and the other boys joined the home , Joel was living with them , so he came too . People told me I shouldn 't give him a chance but my friend loved him a lot and believed in him , so I did too . Everyone deserves a chance . Joel was difficult in the beginning . He missed the uncle he had been staying with and it was really difficult to connect with him . Since then , we have good days and bad , just like with any of the other kids . I know Joel belongs in our family and I am happy he is with us . I have learned so much from my time in Uganda and especially from the boys . So I am feeling like everything I need to know , I learned from boys on the street . Here are a few that came to mind . Hope you enjoy ! Everyone deserves a chance . No matter how wild , out of control , bad mannered , disrespectful , mean , hard , . . . , someone is , he deserves a chance . A lot of times , most of the time , he will surprise you . I can 't tell you how many times these boys have been written off as worthless , stupid , bad , unchangeable , incapable of love , undeserving of love , and incapable of amounting to anything . It isn 't true . They are changing before my eyes . They just need love , patience , and encouragement . Maybe that is all that person you are thinking of right now needs too . Love is enough . A lot of times , ok most times , I have no clue what I am doing . I don 't know if it will work , if it is a good idea , if it is crazy , or if it will make a difference . I say the wrong things to the kids all the time , we get angry at each other . Generally , we are a mess . It is one big trial and error . In complete chaos , what keeps us coming back ? Simple . LOVE . I love those kids more than anything and they know it . When we mess up , love helps us to apologize and forgive . It makes us want the best for us all . It heals our hurts . It helps us to put others first . When ever I am having a bad day , frustrated with everything , and ready to give up , I will hear one of their voices tell me they love me and it is enough . To know I am so undeserving of their love , but they give it freely keeps me going . It makes me know everything will be ok . We will be ok . Miracles happen . You don 't hear so much about modern day miracles . It seems like most people ( myself included ) feel like healings and miracles were left to the Bible . But , Jesus is still performing miracles and if you look , you will see them . I have witnessed transformations that I never thought could happen . Only explanation ? Miracle . We have been without food and money and not sure where we were going to get food for the next month . But we did . How ? Miracle . I have been praying asking God for confirmation . The doorbell rang seconds later with the mailman delivering my confirmation . Miracle . Boys whose families said they didn 't want them , have welcomed them home with open arms and happy celebrations . Miracle . God is still a God of miracles . Jesus still heals . He still performs miracles . You don 't know what has happened , so always be kind . When the boys are on the streets , you can imagine what has happened to them , but they rarely tell the truth . Maybe it is because they are ashamed , maybe because it is too painful to remember , maybe it is just because it is personal and they don 't want to share . Sometimes you can tell the kids are sad and heartbroken . SometimesKids are kids , everywhere . Just the other day , I was reading something about kids and thought , " Hey , the boys do that . " It dawned on me , kids are kids no matter where they live . They have good days and bad . Some days they never want to leave your side , others they want to be as far away as possible . They love to play and laugh and do silly things . They are imaginative , resourceful , and creative . They have an innocence to them , even when people have robbed them of it . They need love and affirmation and good role models . They need to be reassured of their place in this world and their worth . It doesn 't matter if I am talking about the boys in Uganda or in Antarctica , boys are boys . Kids are kids . Don 't judge what 's on the outside . When you look at a boy on the street , you see a dirty , scrappy little mess . Maybe shoes , maybe barefoot , mismatched and missized clothes . Probably covered in dirt , grease , or oil . Maybe high . On the outside , they look a mess . They look like you might want to cross the street or hold your purse and bags a little bit tighter if they are walking towards you . But on the inside . . . They can be some of the best kids you will ever meet in your life . So kind , so generous , so joyful , so loving . I can 't count how many times a boy insisted I share his one meal of the day with him , or the time a boy took off his shoe for an aunt because hers broke and he didn 't want her walking barefoot , or how they will help with anything you ask . It is true , you can 't judge a book by its cover . These kids have taught me to look deeper than what is on the outside . Tom was the first boy I chose to sponsor . He lived at the bead house with Julius and Jacob . He was a lot younger ( 11 or 12 ) so he wasn 't part of the program really . He helped make beads sometimes , but really the guy that managed the program ( uncle ) found him on the street and felt like he should bring him home . So Tom stayed around but there was no money to go to school . Right away , I noticed how bright Tom was . When I would go there to teach them , he paid a lot of attention and usually got the right answer . He was eager to learn . He was also very polite and well mannered . He did what he was told and rarely got in trouble . I saw so much potential in him . At the time , I still thought that I was only going to stay in Uganda for a year . I didn 't have extra money , but I felt like if I could only help one boy , he was a good candidate . So I made a deal . I agreed to pay school fees if the uncle would take care of everything else . We agreed he would continue to live with him , he would make sure he got to school each day , help with homework , and take care of all of the school supplies if I provided everything else . Tom went to school and tested for which grade he would be placed in . He could have been placed in fourth grade but he felt he would do better if he started in third . He was so happy to be in school and worked so hard . Each term , he was in the top 4 , sometimes even first . He scored almost perfect 100s every time . If he wasn 't first , he was so sad . Tom lost both of his parents . He was staying with an uncle before he came to the streets . I don 't know why he came to the streets but I don 't think he was there long before he was taken to the bead house . Last Fall / early winter , Tom decided that he wanted to go back to his village for a visit . We of course happily let him go . Turns out , his uncle was really happy to see him again and wanted him to live there again . He couldn 't provide school fees for Tom but he could provide everything else . So we all agreed it would be best for Tom to stay with his family and I just continue helping with school fees . Tom started primary 7 this year . He skipped a few grades and it has been a little bit difficult for him . He wanted to stay in class with his friends from the village . He is still working really hard though and does his best . Next year he will start secondary school . I am hoping that he performs well enough on his exam to get into one of the best secondary schools . He is a really smart kid and has a bright future ahead of him . At one point , he said he wanted to be a missionary or a pastor . I don 't know if that has changed , but what ever he chooses I know he will be great ! Julius never talks . Not like he can 't , he just doesn 't . I have said some boys are quiet before , but Julius makes them look like mega extroverts and the life of the party . I don 't think there is a major reason for him not to talk , I think he is just a really quiet person . He will chat every once in a while , but for the most part he prefers to listen to his music and be alone . I met Julius when I first got to Uganda . He was part of the paper bead making program with Jacob . After a while , he had saved up some money and decided he wanted to return to his village . He went back and we didn 't hear from him or see him for many months . And then one day he was back . He rejoined the bead program and life went back to normal for him . It turned out , his dad got angry at him and sent him away AGAIN ! and told him to never come back . When the bead program ended , Julius came home with us . It isn 't always easy with Julius because you never know if he is happy , angry , sad , etc . because he won 't talk about it . When we do group meetings , he prefers to stay in his room . When we have dinner , he wants to eat alone . He just likes to be alone . Julius goes to school and tries really hard . he was way behind when he started this year but because of his size , he 's 15 , they put him in primary 3 . He doesn 't speak English well and can 't read so he really struggles . He hasn 't given up though and keeps working at learning more and performing better . Eventually he will catch up . Julius has been back to his village 3 times now since he has joined the home . Twice were during school holidays and once was for his sister 's wedding . We are helping him to try and rebuild that relationship with his family . With time , I think old wounds will heal and they will continue to have happy reunions . I spoke to Julius on the phone the other day . It was a very rare occurrence . He wanted to tell me about his family and how happy they were to see him and see how he has been changing . He told me they also really wanted to meet me . I told him when I got back , we could go for a visit . I am happy that he is able to go back to visit his family and reconnect with them . With the short visits during the school holiday , all of the pressure is off of everyone and they can just reconnect and not have to worry about anything else . It is really good to be able to see the kids so happy about visiting their families again , especially the ones I never thought would go back . To be honest , I don 't really know John . He is one of the boys that has joined us after I left . For the way the other boys rallied to convince me to let him stay , I just knew he was going to be amazing . John was one of the boys that had been coming around the house for food after I left . When the other boys found out that we were moving , they insisted that I let John and David come with us . One boy , Ronald , even offered his spot in the home so John could have a chance . They told me he has a really hard time on the streets and suffered a lot before , it would be so unfair of me to leave without him . After I talked to him , I was convinced . So John moved with us . I know it is crazy , but I had peace about letting them both move with us even though I didn 't know them . I knew that God wanted him home with us . I think it was not long before he came to live with us that I saw a photo of him with a friend on Facebook . It made me laugh because he had put his name tag on his chin . I thought he looked like a nice and funny kid . I had no idea that he would be soon joining our family . I spoke to John on the phone the other day . While all of the other boys were angry at me and refusing to talk to me because they had gotten in trouble with me the day before , he happily took the opportunity to chat . It never fails , every time we talk , he always says thank you . He told me he was happy to be in the home , thanked me for sending him to school and helping him to see his family again . He is always so kind , grateful , and genuine . If I ask how the boys are or if there are any problems , I will never hear his name mentioned . He is really quiet , gets along with everyone and stays out of trouble . He works hard at school , helps around the home , and is overall a really good kid . He is so easy going , well behaved , and laid back I have to specifically ask about him to get an update . I wish I could tell you more about John . I wish I had the history with him that I have with some of the other boys , but actually having a future is better . He is safe now . He has hope . He has a future . And I am so lucky to get to be a part of it . Before I tell you about Joseph , you should read here . I am super excited and thankful to the girls at Darling Companion for featuring us today ! Make sure you check out the post about LOT 2545 and follow them to be continuously inspired . I have written about Joseph many times before but they are all under the name Brian . Brian is his nickname . How he got a normal name for a nickname , I may never know . Since it was a normal name , I never knew it was a nickname . The first time I found out was when we went to the hospital to get a rabies shot for him . He was out collecting scrap and was attacked by a dog . Just to be safe , we decided to take him to get the shot . It was at the government hospital so it was free and it couldn 't hurt him to have it . So off we went . When we got to registration , I asked him what his other name was . He answered in such a whisper , I had to ask him many times and then told him to speak up . That is when he told me his real name was Joseph and what his other name was . I was shocked . It seems like a lot of our encounters were after he was bitten by a dog . Another time , we were at camp for the boys on the street . He had bitten a few days before but was still on antibiotics . He was supposed to go back to the hospital to get another IV of antibiotics . I started to feel really bad at camp but no one else would take him to the clinic . I tried to hide my discomfort but by the end , I think he realized . That was the sickest I had ever been . By the time I walked into the house , I was crying and was in excruciating pain . I don 't know how I kept it together but I am sure it was only by the strength of God . I am glad that I was there for Joseph that day . It definitely helped us grow closer . Things weren 't always easy between us . There was a long period of time where he was just a ball of anger and refused to speak to me . I could say hi and he would walk past me as if I was invisible . The breakthrough came when a friend and I were fasting . You can read about it here . Joseph came into the home because he was attacked by a dog again . I felt like that was God telling me , Joseph has had enough , you need to act . So I asked the uncle to go and find him and bring him home . Hearing his giggles and squeals the first time we talked on the phone was the best . Since then , we have struggled . He has only been with us since May and he has already run away . He came back but just wasn 't ready for school , so he sat last term out . School has started again and he is going again but we aren 't sure he is ready . the thing is he is so young , maybe 12 or 13 , but he has been on the streets for so long . Maybe since he was 9 . He doesn 't remember what it means to be safe and issues come up because of that . He doesn 't remember what it means to be loved , so he lies and manipulates to get his way . He is hurting beyond anything I could ever imagine , even in my worst nightmares , and still wants to find comfort in drugs . I know deep down , under all of the hurt and heartbreak , there is a wonderful kid . It seems like he is too much right now , but I know he will change . He just needs lots of love and time . God has worked miracles in him before and I know that He will do it again . Soon his beautiful smile won 't just be a mask , but a reflection of his happiness and joy . Please pray for healing for Joseph and that his heart would settle and be softened . Please pray that God would work another miracle for Joseph and help him let go of his past and look to the future . Pray that Joseph would just let us in and let us love him . I moved to Uganda 3 years ago to check it out . I didn 't know what I would find or if I would like it , I just knew God was calling me . What I found was an amazing group of kids that have forever changed my heart . Now , my life is in Uganda working with " the least of these " and there is no where else I would rather be . |
Category : Digital diary Free to scratch When I was a kid , I was allergic to almost anything . Milk , wheat , animal hair , soap and I have the most sensitive skin on earth . I was not allowed to have any animals ( mainly cats ) because my skin would act up . I would get bad eczema all over my body , specifically around my neck , eye , and stomach area . I was so light skinned ( yellow - boned ) and the allergies would leave bright purple ( bruise - like ) marks on my body . One day I was playing in the courtyard , running around doing handstands . It was about 4 pm and while I was being mischievous , I saw a little black and white thing in the corner of my eye . When I peered around the corner , I saw the cutest little dog . She was lost and she was watching me being an idiot . I ran to her and rubbed her head and she loved it . I ran inside , got some food and water , and brought it to her . She ate , I rubbed her some more and then she ran away . The next day , like clockwork , she was back and the rest of the days thereafter , until my mother noticed me running to the gate with food and all excited . It was too late to chase her away because I lured her with food and love and I could keep her . I named her Doempie ( Doom - py ) and she was my responsibility . I bathed her , fed her , and played with her . She was my best friend and when she eventually fell pregnant , she gave birth to 5 puppies . I was ecstatic . I had so much love for her and for her babies but at the end , we could not keep them and made sure they got loving homes . Doempie was my best friend and I had her for 13 years . In 2009 , she was poisoned . I will never forget the day I found her little body ; I came home from school during exams and as I walked in my study room , I saw her , laying in a pool of her own vomit . I dropped my schoolbag , fell on my knees , and cried . While I had Doempie , I adopted 2 cats and had countless bunny rabbits and a guinea pig . I was still allergic but I knew what I wanted and no allergy would stand in my way . My first cat , Nala was killed by the neighbour 's Rottweiler and my second cat Ariel was hit by a Porsche . I cried for two hours , I was inconsolable ( for Ariel , Nala was an asshole ) . I had one bunny and my sister , Skye also had a bunny . We had no idea how active a bunny 's sex life was because , in a few months , we had a whole family of bunnies . Some ran away , one drowned and some were given away . In the end , I had so many pets , it was amazing . I am proud of myself because I was hungry for something I knew I couldn 't have , yet I went for it . I was itchy , full of eczema and allergy bruises but I was happy . Seeing my animals gave me such joy . Being able to pick them up , kiss and hug them was the most important thing to me . Showing love to them was the most important gift I could give . I knew that my mom would not buy me any pets but I knew I wanted them , so specialty was picking up strays , or just feeding random animals , hoping they would come back ( and it worked ) . During my life of growing up , I lost that hunger . I conformed to life and turned into a sheep , and I guess that is what happens in life and in general . I became a people pleaser . I absolutely hate disappointing people and would just say yes to anything and if I said no , I would feel so bad . I would apologise for anything , even though I would not be at fault and a few days ago , I realised this and I realised how tired I am of it . Yesterday , I just felt a sense of calm over me because I know that I am changing and I am so happy . I want to cry and it is so weird but I can now understand how this constant need of not disappointing people , left me disappointed and so hurt . The hungry , risk taking , rule breaking Megan was put away and now she is back . On the 25th of February 2017 , after my last class of the day , I walked over to the tram stop called Belli . A tram came within seconds of my arrival , packed so I waited for another one . But a man got out of the tram with 2 luggage bags and a cigarette in his mouth . The one big luggage bag was black and the other cheetah print . He was clumsy as his bags were heavy and thanked a lady he was speaking to inside the tram . The mysterious man , average height , dirty skin , salt & pepper hair stood straight , looked to his left and then his right ; that 's when he saw me . This mysterious man starts walking over to me and I feel questioned . He asked me if it was some specific Italian area to what I replied , " No , this is Belli " . He asked if I speak Italian , I said no , I speak English and understand bits and pieces of Italian . Then he carries on to ask about background and what I am doing in Rome . At first , I was defensive and closed off because it is easy for some Italian men to get the wrong impression . Yet , for some reason , I spoke to him about my background and my current studies . I felt relaxed and trusting in him , for some odd reason . I asked him about his life to which he responded : " My life is scary and I don 't want to scare you " For some reason I said : " Don 't worry , I don 't scare easily " ( Hello dumbass ) He looked at me , laughed and challenged my answer . Again … hello dumbass ! I laughed and thought to myself , why did you say that ? But I was curious and I needed to know his story . He said he was born in Italy ( I forgot the exact place ) and at age four , his parents moved back to New York City . He went to school , tried to find a job and when he didn 't succeed , he found a loophole . Easy money , no bosses … why not try heroin dealing ? He sold heroin among other drugs , such as cocaine as it was the most popular drugs to sell , especially to the wealthy elite . With the money , he made , he bought himself a nice apartment , nice furniture and a 9m for safety . One day , Julia did not contact him prior coming to his house and knocked on the door . When he looked through the peephole , he saw her standing there . Angry he opened the door and started yelling at her , asking her why she came without informing him beforehand . Just then , a mysterious man came from outside and shot at him . He shot him four times . He fell back and tumbled over his coffee table , bleeding and in pain . He then reached for his gun and blindly shot at the figure before him . A bullet hit the man 's heart through his stomach and died immediately . He spent 25 years in prison for murder and drug dealing . He completed his sentence and was a free man . He went on with his life , knowing that Julia snitched , he felt resentment but understood why she did it . I felt such deep heartache . Yes , he took the wrong path in life and he knew better , but he will never get a chance to fix his mistakes . He will never get a second chance and one day , he might die and no one will care . I realised how crucial it is to make the right decisions in life and to not find an easy way out . Life is hard and difficult and at times will be so unfair . I felt a sense of humility and empathy for him but I was happy that I didn 't brush him off . I am happy to have missed the other 3 trams ' that passed , just to hear his story . Author letscallhimnelsonCategories Digital diary , Travel , UncategorizedPosted on March 28 , 2017 The Chihuahua effect You know when you hear a small dog yap and yap and when you look at the situation , it is the smallest dog thinking he can take on a larger dog . But when that large dog had to stand in front of the small dog , it would run back to its owner , hiding , tail between its legs . That sums me up . Story time , I was on a bus on the way home from Termini station the one evening . I got on the bus I needed to be on and took a seat . While I waited , I put on my earphones and went on Pinterest to kill time . When I looked up again , the bus was sardined . The bus driver then got into the bus and we left . We drove down Via Nazionale and I looked out the window and watched the people as they shopped . Next moment , the bus driver made a sharp right turn and most of the people catapulted to one side . One woman grabbed my leg to find her balance and soon after apologized . I told her it is no problem and asked if she would like to have my seat , seeing that she was a bit older to which she said that she would be getting off at the next stop . Listening to my music and gazing out the window , I felt someone touching my leg again . I thought it was the same woman and brushed it off . The woman got off at the spot and after a while , I felt my leg being touched again but I could make out who it was as the bus was so full , so I pulled my leg further away from the aisle . This person was determined because my leg was being rubbed again . I tried to see who it was only to find an older man , about mid 50 's rubbing my leg . I was petrified because A ) My Italian is not good B ) I am a young woman on a bus at night C ) I am a foreigner ; would anyone help me ? I was not too close to my home , I can 't walk because it is dark out and all the busses are full as it was peak hour . At first , I thought , should I scream ? Should I be quiet ? So , after a few minutes of thinking how to approach this and formulate an understandable sentence , I flicked his hand off my leg and said * translated * Excuse me ? Stop it . Thinking he would stop or at least apologize but no , Hugh Hefner decides to spark up a conversation asking me where I am from . I look at him , fix my earphones and look out the window again . He taps my leg again , this time asking if he could take me out for dinner . Yes , I am a stranger , as they say , in this country and I do realize that many foreigners come and go into various countries , including Italy , for ulterior motives but what his right mind made him think that I wanted him ? I was properly clothed , I listened to music and I was in my own little bubble . Yes , I am not from here but that doesn 't give him the right to assume that I 'd magically be interested in him or the fact that this man , old enough to be my father , would think that I would accept his offer of dinner . I told him that I don 't understand him and to stop . Then he kept insisting that I was lying to which I answered , " Oh yeah , sure " then he tapped my leg again and I looked at him , deep down petrified and as loud as I could speak , I told him to stop it or I would phone the Carabinieri and I opened up my phone log . Magic ! I got the attention of the bus driver and a few patrons ( who took note at first and did nothing , as I thought ) He told me not to be like that and that we can be friends , so I start dialing 112 then he decided to get off . The bus driver yelled something in Italian to him as he got off and I just sat there , shaking , trying to figure out what just happened . I wanted to cry . As I arrived at my stop , I was about to get off and the bus driver asked if I was okay , to which I answered yes and I thanked him . I got off the bus and walked home as fast as I could , luckily my house was not too far from the stop . I then realized that after dark , I stay inside , unless I am with a few friends . Author letscallhimnelsonCategories Digital diary , UncategorizedPosted on January 31 , 2017Leave a comment Let 's talk empathy If you read my previous blog , you would notice how I express my empathy towards many things . Last week , I spent the day with my mother as she went to * Fabio 's house . He is an alcoholic and my mother goes to his house bi - weekly to check up on him and to see if he has enough food , clean clothes and so on . We drove for about 15 minutes to Matelica , through this beautiful small village between the mountains and I was in awe . So much beauty ! ! We pull up in a parking spot and walk a few meters to his house . The glass in the door , was broken ( apparently , Fabio felt depressed and smashed it ) My mother opens the door and there are about 15 very steep stairs that lead into his house , which we climbed while my short stumpy legs felt the pain and burn . As we reached the top , I noticed the strong smell of old cigarette smoke , sweat , dirty dishes and a hint of wine in the air . I casually walked to the window and opened it . My mother greeted Fabio , he is originally from Albania , moved to Italy a few years ago for work , very sweet guy . She introduces me to him and I say hi . The tall man standing in front of me had dirty hair , wrinkles along his eyes , stubble and has impaired vision in his left eye . He has been sleeping on the couch , too scared to sleep in his bedroom which is another flight of stairs up , due to the recent earthquakes . When he saw my mother , his face lit up . He had company for the next two hours . It was there , where I just wanted to go wait in the car and cry . Soon thereafter , my mom scolds him because on the kitchen table was an empty box of white wine , the sink was full of dirty dishes and the floor was dirty . She tells him to that he is capable of not living like a pig and to clean up after himself when he proceeds to laugh and say he knows . I decide to do something , so I start doing the dishes . He offers me a glass of wine , which I politely decline and smile . He asks me a few questions : how old am I ? Where am I from ? What do I do ? Which I tried to answer the best I could in Italian , while horribly butchering some phrases . I told him that I am studying communications and psychology when he tells me that doctors think he has schizophrenia and gave him calming drops to take when he starts ' acting up ' . He shows me the bottle , which is almost empty and explains that it doesn 't work and something about angels . I looked at him , quite puzzled and gave my best understanding nod . In the background , my mom was asking him what he ate ? When he took a bath ? How is he feeling and what has he been doing ? He answers her questions and while I was doing the dishes , I could see if his meal time version corresponds . He has been eating canned lentils with tomato pesto and pasta , most of the time and some egg and a bit of meat . My heart broke , just a little more . He jokes and tells my mother that the last time he took a bath was in August . My gullible mother looks at him in total shock and I start to giggle , he looks at me and laughs . He tells her that he is joking and that he took a proper bath two weeks ago … wait , what ? ! He looks at my mother and says , no one cares about him . Everyone is just using him . My mom reassured him that she cares , that is why she is there and people do care about him but he needs to stop drinking too . I looked at him , trying to muscle a convincing smile and he asks me for my name again . I give it to him and he completely butchered it . I told him to just call me , Meggie . For some reason , my Welsh name is very hard to pronounce . He then asked if I would like ice tea , I accept and that 's when he then got up and went to the shops to get us some iced tea . I looked up at my mother and just stared at her for a few seconds . I then proceed to tell her that I feel so sorry for the guy . Alcoholic or not , I feel so sad for him . From what I gathered , both his parents passed away and they meant a lot to him ( he has pictures of them on his wall unit ) and he has a brother who lives in the same village as him , but never visits . He was attacked by his own nephews , for money and landed in the hospital with severe damage to his head . Consequently , they are in prison but they only cared for his money and nothing else . He turns to alcohol because that is better than facing reality and while I don 't agree with his actions , I cannot help but feel sorry for him . Like heart wrenching , bad break - up bad . I tried to put myself in his shoes . He is depressed , an alcoholic , the most important people in his life are dead and his brother doesn 't care about him , his money yes . But not him . Did I mention that the only time his brothers ' family were interested in him , was when he was in the hospital , but just to find out if he was alive or not and how his life insurance payout works ? While I know that alcoholism is not the answer , I cannot get him out of my head . I cannot imagine being that alone in the world . I cannot imagine my family not actually caring about me and making it that obvious and I cannot switch off my empathy . My mom and I got into a debate , she also feels sorry for her but says there is no reason to turn to alcohol . I get it . I do , but put yourself in his shoes . He has no one , apart from the people that look after him , only for him to get his insurance money , because of his hospitalisation , but no one goes to his house to check up on him , make sure he eats or just sit and talk to him . If my mother didn 't agree to go to his house , twice a week , where would he be ? I also feel that , had the people ( other than my mother ) that " take care of him " invested 10 minutes of their time on him , they would rather put him in a rehabilitation center for his addiction and get a psychologist to talk to him . Find out what his issues are and carry on from there , I truly believe that he would get better . But dumping him in a house , giving him a weekly allowance to take care of himself will not work . He is not strong enough to stop and especially if he doesn 't have that support . Telling him to stop drinking , won 't work . It is like telling a dead heart to start beating . I do not feel like not going to his house again because I feel so horribly sad when I look into his eyes and see heartache and there is only so much I can say , but that would make me like the rest of the world . The life that we live in has become so greedy . Every man for himself and will only help if it benefits them . I hope that in the near future I could try to help him . I don 't believe that he should be given up on , he deserves a second chance . Author letscallhimnelsonCategories Digital diaryPosted on December 2 , 2016June 3 , 2017Leave a comment The chronicles of the introvert For years , I have struggled to openly and spontaneously talk to people . I always thought , ' there is something wrong with me ' or I am anti - social and so on . Most of my friends would say , " You are not an introvert , dude " , but I am and it is fine . I found the courage to sell or get rid of everything that I have and move . My one big inspiration was and still is , my little sister , Skye . She is the total opposite of me . When she says , she is doing something , she does it . She makes friends so easily and says whatever is on her heart . Because of her strong personality , a lot of people would say she is rude or too forward , but at least you always know where you stand with her and I admire that . Yes , I am introverted . That is okay . It is fine and it is part of my personality and I shouldn 't change that to conform to people 's expectations . I should embrace who I am because you cannot change who you are to please others . Too many people change themselves to please someone else , but what about you ? I am sensitive and have a lot of empathy towards people , towards animals , towards anything and that is a wonderful trait to have . I believe in love , not this " on show " stuff that we see online , but true meaningful ' till death do us part ' kind of love . I believe in equality for both man and woman , I believe animals should be loved and I believe that everyone deserves a second chance . When I was a few years younger , people would say hurtful things about me and I would put on a brave face and take it , however , almost every night I went to bed , crying my eyes out . In traffic on the way to and from work , I would cry . When I took a shower , I would cry . I hated crying in front of people , simply because I realised that ( some , not all ) people thrive on your failures , to feel happier about themselves . A lot of those people are still in my life because I don 't want to accept the fact that they are 100 % mean . A few years ago , I felt alone and relationships made it worse too . I met people who I know , truly cared for me , possibly loved too , but I was scared and pushed them away . I pushed them away . I was living an unhealthy lifestyle , internally . I had abandonment and trust issues and that is something that I had to work on , alone . No one knew this , except for me and because of my issues , more stories were spread about me . In my final year of school , I supposedly had two abortions . Was told that I would be a single mom by the age of nineteen , that I was childish and wouldn 't get too far in life . All those hurtful remarks broke me inside , bit by bit and I would cry and try to prove people wrong . But that is exactly the problem ! I shouldn 't be proving anything to anyone except for myself . I know who I am now , I know why I am the way I am . I walk around Rome or the school campus alone and it is not because I think I am superior , it is just who I am . I keep to myself and I am working on myself daily . I a pretty freaking proud of myself , too . Skye told me about the Four agreements to personal freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz and already , it has already helped me to feel more confident and at peace with myself . They are four small steps but they speak volumes and I am going to embrace it . Be impeccable with your word , speak with integrity . I am going to stop doubting myself and stop thinking that there is something wrong with me , but rather embrace who I am . Keep doing what I do and exude love , wherever I go . Forgive those who have hurt me and not dwell on the past . Don 't take anything personally . I don 't ever want to feel like a victim again . It is draining and tiring . Their words are a projection of who they are , not of who I am . Some people have their own internal problems and do not know how to cope with it , other than hurting others and that is okay . Never allow yourself to suffer under their tongue . Don 't make assumptions . Ask questions and express yourself , don 't ever think that you are not deserving because you are . Every person is . Like the famous proverb says , " To assume makes an ass of u and me . " Always do your best . Under any circumstance do your very best , whether you are feeling down and unmotivated . Your best could motivate someone else to do their best and so the chain will flow . With this you will stop judging yourself , abusing yourself and regretting the things you have accomplished . Whatever happened in your life , just let it go . Don 't hold onto it . On Thursday , the 20th of October I went to Termini station after my English lecture , bought a ticket and got on the train to Foligno , about a 2 - hour ride . I got into my mom 's car and we drove a further 45 minutes to Camerino in central Italy . When we arrived , we had supper , showered and watched a bit of TV before heading to bed . I spent the weekend , doing some homework and helping my mother at the hotel she works at . On Saturday , I felt so ill . I had a high fever and a very congested nose . I was sick and instead of heading back to Rome the following Monday , I stayed in Camerino and planned on staying in bed and resting until I felt better to head back to Rome ; however , my plans were about to receive a reality shake of note . On Wednesday , the 26th of October , I was laying on the couch watching Gilmore girls and Friends and while my focus was on the TV , I kept seeing a flashing light outside . For a brief second , I thought someone was on our property grounds but when I peered out the window , I found that it was raining and the flashing lights , were lightning . The thunder sounded off , powerful and loud and shook the earth a bit ; that 's when I felt an uneasy feeling in my gut . I had a very bad feeling , yes I still am afraid of thunder , but this was another feeling . I got up and ran to the door , screaming " No ! " " Nooo ! ! " I turned and turned the dial on the door as fast as I could and it eventually opened and I ran out . I was all alone at the house . My heart was pounding so fast and loud ; I was terrified . I peered through the open door and say my phone on the ground , I ran in , grabbed it and ran out again , dialed my mother and she was on the way . I stood outside in the cold wet rain , shaken and afraid for 10 minutes until I saw her car . We went back inside the house , thinking it was just an aftershock of the earthquake from August . My mom prepared pasta , we ate and I made tea . 21 : 18 - We watched the news and they were interviewing a seismologist , who confirmed that it was an aftershock and will likely not happen again . As soon as those words came from his lips , the lights went off . The quake was back , angrier and stronger than before . I ran towards the door , my mother followed . We could not see a thing , I heard plates and glasses breaking and I yelled out " Mooooom ! ! ! " , they door finally opened and we ran out . We could not see a thing , yet we ran . We stood still and listened to the earth move . The sound was stronger , almost like a pair of hair clippers chopping through someone 's hair , but more powerful , dangerous and louder . I thought the house would crumble . My mom was standing outside with the blanket we had over us and the iPad ; used as a source of light . After a huge debate , my mother ran in to get her car keys and ran out again . We got into her car and drove off . It was probably one of the hardest tasks that my mother had to endure as we were afraid . We followed cars to the university sports ground , not far from my mother 's house , which has now been converted to a shelter . I was still too paranoid and we slept in my mother 's car for 4 nights . The last night , we got cold and decided to have faith in the building and sleep there . A lot of the people have been evacuated to Civitanova and Porto Recanati for safety as there are no serious quakes there , only small tremors . Since the first quake in August , there are 15 000 people who are now homeless and living in shelters . These quakes are not done yet , we just had another one , 15 - minutes ago . The damage is surreal and it will keep getting worse until God knows when . I think the thing that gets the people the most is that they won 't be able to spend time together with their family , under one roof , opening Christmas presents together and sharing that warm meal . I think that is part of the reason why most people are so sad . It is sad and not expected but the most precious gift in life is life . Although we don 't have much anymore , we still have a life and that is something worth celebrating and being happy about . The power of rebuilding and working together , building new friendships and seeing the positive in the rubble of negativity . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . The main group had to discuss their plans to get Ryld fixed up . However , a battle still would need to take place involving the Orcs and the Goblins as the fight to dominate escalates . Gulbran returned to the frontlines to hopefully finish it and Jyn joined up . The army did fairly well fighting off a dragon that was ticked off about Gulbran 's group for trashing his domain . However , it didn 't stop there . They went on to fight the orcs themselves , but it seems it didn 't end very well after the first part of the Exchange . The group is now faced with more threats coming out as the demons come out of a portal who are all part of the Orcs side of factions . What will the group do ? * The group ( minus Gulbran ) eventually met up at the Temple of Ioun . Lumon finds out that the Temple asked for the Empire 's assistance , but the Empire didn 't help . So Lumon accepted the task that the Empire didn 't as long as they get the ring that is needed . Ryld AND Demon tried multiple times to steal the ring from the temple , but failed multiple times . Ryld was even caught so he is known . Rook was caught and handed over to some hobgoblins . The group brought Ailyth back . Chris gained an owl - companion type from the ice tower and Loralyth got it to speak elven completely . Rook was injured . She also gave up the name of Baba Yaga on finding a fix for Ryld 's issue . Under 2 conditions , the Nymph was allowed to live and its trees kept from being harmed . Condition 1 being that she had to provide details about the Gremlin King . Condition 2 being that she had to provide something unique from her or the area there . Chris met up with the elf who found several other elves . Ryld secretly managed to find Chris and catch up , but stayed hidden . While Chris talked with the elves , Chris learned they are part of the court of stars and that he earned their favor . The group began their adventure leaving Nightshade Keep . The journey was rather long when you consider Gulbran 's armor weighs him down considerably . They decided to spend the night near some open area by a murky swamp . Unfortunately , the group was caught in an area with a siren as it desperately tried to take the heroes down and work for her . Unfortunately for her , she was quickly defeated . The orcs that were with her on the other hand didn 't run off . The group made as quick work as possible , but one escaped as the other was taken down . After some rest , they managed to continue the journey and stopped by Cedarvale . Cedarvale though was under lockdown . The group tried to gain entry with Chris leading , but the guards laughed after his comments about being Yseult 's Knight . After revealing a small portion of his power to show mental images as he furthered tried to explain the truth , the guards assumed him to be a witch and captured him along with the rest of the group . However , Ryld had already left and snuck inside . After some time , Ryld managed to get a hold of Yseult to get the others out . Yseult revealed the current state of the witch 's domain that she knew . She also revealed that if she was to leave with the group to see what she can do to help , she would lose her title as Princess of Cedarvale . However , she felt she had to see for herself and joined the group regardless . As the characters traveled on to find their " friend " Cheska , they had to tread cautiously . As they got closer towards the source of the undead invasion , they were finding themselves more and more surrounded ! They did well to avoid as much as they could , but then they stumbled upon a town that was under attack . The group responded by helping the people , but unfortunately , so many were lost in the attack and more during the group 's attempted defense for the people . Only 2 villagers remained and were rescued . How it currently affects them or Yseult , is unknown . The villagers did direct them to a tower that had been getting more active . Will our heroes be able to take down Chevska ? The group arrived at the temple where the Avatar awaited them . The avatar talked with Ryld about his issue . It seems that Ryld has to deal with it himself despite his thoughts for the Raven Queen needing to step in . This disappointed him greatly . But … The group was found by some of the people from the City of Lanterns that was planning to destroy the avatar . The group fought their hardest , but alas , the group didn 't do so hot . Chris went down first and not too long after , so did most of the others . By the end of it , it was up to Lumon and Gulbran to stop the last creature from attacking the Avatar , but not even their might could stop it as it succeeding making its swipe and killing the Avatar . But the Raven Queen 's connection only let her spirit come out and say that he may have won the battle , but that it was far from over as they could never defeat her . As offer for the group , she used her power to open a portal for the living . Chris was still unconsious , so Brinna grabbed him . She tried to go through the portal , but alas , being as she is cursed as a vampire , she could not as the portal was meant for only the living to be in the world of the living . She gave Chris to Lumon and told him to give Chris a message . To tell him she loved him . Lumon agreed and carried Chris through the portal , while looking back only to see a piece of the temple 's rock crash in front of the portal . The group found themselves a little ways inside the territory that heads closer towards the city of the vampires . After Chris was healed up and told what had happened to Brinna , he was saddened , but managed to find a small resolve to continue on . They managed to get themselves heading over to Nightshade Keep . Upon arriving back , there was some joy for Chris at least that Roselily was waiting for them . She also told them a man came by to talk with the group . It turns out that man was a courier from Cedarvale on mission for Yseult . It seems the princess had to inform everyone that a witch and some body guard was raising the dead and causing havoc near the kingdoms . It was Cheska and the traitor to Gulbran 's organization , Durom . The group told the courier that they accepted and would be on their way . Brinna grabbed Chris while he was unconscious . Her attempt to bring both of them to the portal failed as she was not living anymore . So she handed Chris to Lumon and told him to tell Chris that she " loved him . " The group was trying to catch their breath after dealing with the threats of the guards when they broke out of prison . Rook in tow , panicking in general , was squaking about . After some frustrations being let out from the group , Rook was to answer for what he knows about the avatar . Unfortunately , his panicking was worsened by Ryld 's over intimidating stature in the situation . Suddenly , the group was spotted and the prison guards gave chase . Unfortunately , the group could not outrun the guards nor get out of the way and found themselves surrounded . After a brief fight , the group had to carry Gulbran out as Gulbran was practically incapacitated . Ryld had an idea and jumped at the chance to take Rook and go in the sewers to hide . While a decent idea than any other method currently available , it wasn 't the greatest . They hid in the sewers for a time . The group discussed options , but found themselves to just stick with resting in the sewers . Chris fixed up Rook 's wounds . Then Rook had to give his knowledge . To the surprise of the group though , he had no knowledge of where the avatar was ! It seems it was just a lie to earn him great respect . With the group moral 's almost lost , Chris told Rook that he needed to find a way to repent for it or Ryld would find a way to make it interesting to have Rook in the first place . Rook was quick to inform that he had an amulet that would find a way to the avatar . When he took it out , it seemed to be just an ordinary amulet . As soon as Chris took it , the amulet glowed with the information on how to unlock its abilities . Chris read out loud … After , the group contemplated and tried to make a plan to find out how to get what is needed for the amulet . And thus , the group set off … only to be stopped quickly by a gelatinous monster in the sewer . After making quick work with some minor cleaning , the group came up topside and went to work quickly on finding the gems . After everyone gathered information and Rook paying his debt to Ryld while Ryld got his money back from the person that mugged him earlier , they came back together and told of their findings . So first , the group went after the black gem . When they arrived at the store , unfortunately , they arrived just a tad too late as a necromancer bought all the gems the guy had in stock . After some tough negotiations , Ryld set off to find for the necromancer a fresh and valuable corpse . All Ryld did was track down and find the guy that mugged him … just to kill him in cold blood . He returned to the store , informing the necromancer of where to find his corpse and obtained the first gem . However , so much time was wasted , it questioned if the group would find the 2nd and 3rd gems ! For the second gem , the group arrived to a different store just to find that the specific type of gem they were looking for , a red one , was all sold out to a woman . When the group pleaded with the clerk about them needing it , she said that the woman wouldn 't be all that hard to find . Outside , a celebration was commencing . It seemed the person was making her appearance while showing off the gems adorned all over her outfit . Chris decided that he could possibly get the white gem and together with Brinna , left to find that white gem . While the others were contemplating on how to get a red gem from the dragon lady , Gulbran had a brilliant idea to use his new weapon 's gem that he obtained in the gauntlet as a replacement while hoping it the amulet wouldn 't make him lose his gem . And so , the group put the gems in just to find nothing happened . After playing with the amulet , they couldn 't get the amulet to do its magic . So they figured they needed to get what the writing said earlier , someone has to take their last breath as they die . After a … rather morbid idea from Chris of all people , the group set for a hospital under the suggestion of Lumon . When they arrived , there were many sick people . Some trying to be taken care of , others that apparently were of lower value were hardly taken care of even with priests there . They went off to find one when Chris found one first . A boy around his age who was dying . Chris was quickly saddened as he saw a bit of himself in that boy . And so Chris did what the boy was asking for . The help to pass him on to the Raven Queen . He only chanted a few words he learned from Brinna 's teachings . The boy smiled and Chris held the amulet above him . His last breath hit the amulet and then the amulet 's magic began to happen ! It seemed to show the way . Afterwards , with a tear in his eye , he spoke to himself uttering the words that the boy was safe in the Raven Queen 's hands . He turned to find people were not so caring on the idea of what he did , much less speaking the Raven Queen 's name . A battle commenced . Chris passed the guards and went after the one that told him it was forbidden to do what he did . The mage tried to subdue the boy , but was quickly pushed back and parished a horrible fate as the top of his exploded by Chris ' assault . Chris growled as he turned to help the others as they made quick work on the remaining guards of the hospital . After a difficult battle fought in blinding fog against a number of creatures possessing blindsight , the group has succeeded in rescuing the Kenku . However , Gulbran has been beaten nearly unconscious and it seems unlikely the group can struggle on any further without a place to recuperate . As the group is recent escapes from prison , that just might prove to be difficult . Chris had learned a little bit of healing arts from Kyrta . He was willing to learn . In the middle of all of that though , Brinna was continuing his martial training , forcing him to learn his weapons capabilities instead of just making them on the fly and hoping it works . A mysterious creature came into town and found Chris . For some reason , this creature took an interest in Chris , but for what means , only time will tell . Shortly after the meeting , Chris and Brinna left with this stranger . On return , Chris was looking unhappy with his eyes giving the look of someone whose seen more than a boy his age should . Brinna would be nearby of course to keep him well , but was quick to act on his defense when anyone said anything , but Chris would rather not talk about it . While the group was in a tavern , drinking and eating , Kyrta came to discuss something with the group . During the discussion , it was revealed that Ryld was doing a good job doing all he was asked in the name of the Raven Queen and better than any apprentice seen prior . After her discussion , it seems Ryld wanted to speak with her in private . While Ryld and Kyrta discussed outside of the tavern , Chris finally broke his silence to discuss with Gulbran about where Gulbran 's powers come from and how he knows how to properly use them and whether he considers it a gift or a curse . Gulbran seemed to encourage Chris by reminding him that it was up to him to discover that himself , but in general , it is what he decides to do with it . Chris nodded , finally breaking a smile for the first time since his return . However , that would soon be cut short as yelling would be heard from outside as Ryld and Kyrta 's " discussion " seemed to quickly get heated . When the others checked outside to see what was going on , Ryld falls to the ground , looking rather wounded and Kyrta panicking . The group tried quickly to help Ryld , but it seemed Ryld was quickly fading . Even Gulbran 's powers weren 't working . When Kyrta 's apprentice group arrived , they were hesitent on helping Ryld . Under Kyrta 's command with some help from Gulbran , they assisted . It seemed , that he was ill in a different manner . Something only Kyrta could possibly understand . She decided to do a technique , knowing how dangerous it would be and despite one of the apprentices objection to it , she went through with it . Kyrta slowly drifted off to silence … seemingly dead for a while . After some time , Kyrta and Ryld awoke , Kyrta being angry at Ryld . It seemed that Ryld had 2nd being within , slowly feeding off of him and trying to make its way out to be born through Ryld and possibly become the world 's destruction ! Ryld never revealed this fact before which is the cause of Kyrta 's disdain for him . Thus , she told him of his final night to stay , but afterwards , he must be banished from the city . She left angry and in tears , but Chris follows her . While Chris is with Kyrta , she breaks down in front of him , hugging him and pleading for his help to help Ryld . Chris accepted , telling her that they can do it no problems , while Gulbran is stepping into the scene . He begins to hear what they must do . In the mean time , Chris runs after Ryld . He ends up trying to surprise Ryld by jumping at him , though rather noisily . Ryld would have dodged , but for some random moment , Chris ' powers decided to bloom briefly as he disappears and reappears on Ryld 's back . After a rather amusing looking reaction on Ryld 's end , Chris explains , in his child - like behaviour , the plan on how to help Ryld . Ryld wasn 't intent at first to listening , but after the child spoke and told him that Chris is the key to Ryld 's hope , Ryld took an ear and reluctantly accepted . The next day , the group was ready to head off . Chris was eager to head out . Kyrta was waiting for them to arrive to open the portal to the shadowfell where the group would need to talk with the Avatar of the Raven Queen in the City of Lanterns . The group all nodded and they headed through . Unfortunately , no one realized that they left Roselily behind . While the group arrived safely , the shadowfell being dark as it is and very wholesome to the shadowy creatures , they headed off to find where they think the City of Lanterns should be according to the map . Although , the map should guide them , the travels in the shadowfell are much different from that of the real world . Off in the distance of where they started , they saw some figures with a light , but didn 't bother with them . When they arrived at what should be the location of the city , there was nothing . They were rather confused . Suddenly , Chris spoke . It seemed his crown detected some evil creatures , but nothing was visually seen . The group readied themselves , staring and looking around to make sure they weren 't about to be ambushed . Suddenly , the attack ! The creature decided to accept the agreement to take the group to the city of lanterns and was " kind " enough to explain that the shadowfell works differently and using a map is practically no good if you aren 't native to the shadowfell . When they arrive at the city , they find it bustling with people as it seems a celebration is happening . Someone welcomes them , explaining whats going on . They find there is hardly any issue and the avatar has since left the city as a new person took it over . The city has since been happy . However , the group worries as the lanterns seem to emanate a fragrance that is almost unnaturally good . At this though , they treat cautiously trying to find out what happened to the avatar . Will the group find out what happened to the avatar ? Will they learn what is going on in the city itself ? Will Ryld live through to see the Avatar before its too late ? Find out next time on Empire of Bane ! We awoke , ready to face the dangers . This time , that coin dragon thing will be beaten . I just wish I knew what it is we were looking for specifically . I still haven 't figured out why a single gauntlet will solve the problem of the witch . But oh well . We approached the mirror and I was about to go in when I almost forgot to say the password . " Transport Us ! " I called and the mirror let us in . The coins in the room created the dragon - like form . I had to focus , but a part of me wondered if a dragon would look anything like this . We went as hard and quick as possible to attack it . Coins hurt when its spinning around ! It didn 't take long , but we defeated it . Then a crown was found and a sword . It seemed easier than I thought it would be . I handed the crown to the princess and she put it on . For some reason , she was deemed unworthy . Unworthy for what , I don 't know . Just then , the dragon coined thing reformed ! It came and attacked the princess ! I tried to defend her and then … . It seemed dark . At some point I saw light once again . Maybe I was sleeping ? My head hurt . I saw the dragon still nearby and had to stop it . I grabbed the crown and put it on . A part of me hoped that maybe something needed to be said to stop the dragon from trying to attack her . I yelled at the dragon " I will not let you harm her ! " The crown said that I was worthy and gave me its power ! We assulted the dragon until it went dark again . I awoke with Brinna carrying me and Roselily helping treat my wounds . Yseult was back up and well . I was put on the ground for a bit to get healed . For some reason , the bruises didn 't hurt as much . When everyone was ready to go , we headed out . Still , Gully was not found . Maybe he is just a long distance away . All of a sudden , a small dragon lands on me and begins to speak with me . It seems he is the voice of the place and that is when I learn we were never looking for a gauntlet , but it was called a gauntlet . As in , a series of trials . Who knew that a gauntlet could also mean that ? He also said that Gully wasn 't killed , but he shouldn 't be too far . As we approach the water section of the dungeon , we find Gully being taken into the water . At first , I didn 't think it was Gully cause he had no armor . But when I pictured him with the armor , it made much sense . We tried to see if he could come out and not play with … whatever that giant thing was he was with . I looked into the water and realized that it was what was in the water that lurked around . And come to think of it , Gully came up for air , but immediately was brought back down . I think he was drowning . I actually couldn 't believe he was being beaten by water more than the monster . I went across the water and Riley prepared a rope . I stared at the creature and the crown just told me it was evil . It also told me how to use its power . So with an attempt , I forced the creature to stop playing with Gully . The thing wasn 't happy when it got out of it , but we left soon enough . With the princess nearby , Gully and her were talking over the witch situation . She was actually fine with the idea of giving up to the witch . I told her that she can 't and there should be a way out . I said to Gully that there is something he has to do . He told me there is nothing he can do , but there was something I can since it is now my job as her knight . I thought about that . Perhaps he is right … I need to protect her . So I was thinking the entire time on the way back what to do . I could just hit the witch with my created swords until she stopped fighting back . I suppose that makes me more offensive and kinda defies what Brinna taught me , but it needs to be done . I then realized that if I did so , Riley wouldn 't get his wish . Whatever that may be . So my idea was to wait , but still free the princess . In the process , maybe I could help that Kyrta - like girl in the witch 's house . When we arrived at the witch 's place , I hid behind Gully . The princess turned herself over to the ugly looking witch on her own ! It was making me angry at the idea . Riley demanded to have his reward … which was to get the Kyrta - like girl the entire time ! Well that was one person down . Once it was settled , we were about to leave . The witch was asking if we would want to join her in the ceremony , but it was refused . Once everyone was ready … I turned around and attacked her in the middle of her talking to herself ! 1 It caught her off - guard and the attack commenced . I kept up the assault as much as possible . She then managed to move me outside and moved herself at the same time rather quickly … like a teleport ! I then realized everyone was … near , yet not clear . And everyone seemed to not see me , but knew I was nearby . Some had a look of lostness about them . Though , it felt familiar here for some reason . During the battle , it seemed I kept coming out of this place and people could see me again , but then I wouldn 't see some others . It turned out that the witch was trying to control our minds with dreams . But knowing what she is doing and how to stop it was difficult . I managed to help back her into a corner . I hit her , but not hard enough . Gully did the same . The princess was rooting for me and I was trying not to fail her . But I was getting tired … more mentally than my regular body . I think it was exhausting me with making these weapons and using them while being in and out of a dream world . I had to end it quick . In my desperate attempt , I remembered seeing a weapon once when traveling with mom where it was on a long stick like a staff , but at the end , it had a blade attached . It seemed to give better reach , but I was never really interested in it . I figured I 'd try my best to re - create it as it wasn 't large like that giant sword was , but was indeed thinner overall . 2 I concentrated as I used the energy that was still in front of me … the energy that was in my spiked shield and my curved blade . I put them together and formed the weapon pictured in my mind . I quickly tried to attack the witch , but my attack missed . It was more difficult than I thought to just use it without really learning how to . I tried once more , but the witch just stepped over . The ground underneath her suddenly glowed and she laughed as she disappeared . She left . It was my fault and I felt sad . Maybe I should have learned how to use the weapon properly and maybe even learn what it is called . Gully agreed , but for now , I did well . I didn 't understand how I did well when the witch got away . Because that I confronted the witch , the princess was free to go . The witch left with injuries as well so it will take some time for her to do anything to the princess . Maybe I did the job at least . We left together with the princess and the Kyrta - like person named Kyra all happy . A good ways out , we got to the split part . The princess had to return to Cedarvale . I think I am supposed to go too being a knight , but I stared at Riley . He was obviously hurt and I couldn 't just leave him until he is at least great on his own . I told the Princess I couldn 't leave them behind and they need me anyways . She seemed to understand . With another kiss on my cheek , she waved at us and we all left . Gully told me I should take the princess as my " mate " and that I " could be a king . " Gully just smiled , staring at Brinna . " Ask your mother , " he said . I looked up at Brinna and she actually seemed intent on not answering , but stared at Gully almost like she would hit him … or maybe she thinking of taking some of his blood . I don 't know . I just wasn 't sure if I should ask at that moment . We arrived back in Nightshade Keep and brought Kyra in to Kyrta . I never seen Kyrta soo happy before ! She gathered the healers in the area to help treat some of our wounds . For now , we were told to rest until we were called upon again . What will happen next ! ? Time to find Yseult 's gauntlet . Can it truly help her ? And what will she do about the truth of her father ? Will her new knight help ? As we walked into the cave , Riley went ahead . I think he did his normal thing of checking around for us in his silent tone . However , it was dark . He is the only one that can see while in the darkness besides my mom . I need a light just to see . Good thing my weapon creation can make light ! Suddenly , a burst of powdery stuff came into the area . It stopped just short of me and the princess ! Gully got caught in the powder and it seemed to make him gag . Some fighting was heard , but we couldn 't see far . The princess held her breath and rushed in . Seeing as I couldn 't disappoint her after being declared her Knight , I rushed in after while holding my breath . When I came out , I was slightly surprised to see a Kobold ! I hadn 't seen one of them in a while ! But seeing that they were intent on hurting me and the princess , I went after in , swinging wildly . I don 't know what it was … it just felt different … like I was actually thinking less on what to do and more just doing it . Maybe this is what Brinna was saying all those times during the training about not thinking now , but thinking 3 steps ahead . Maybe , what she meant was you need to think of the end and just go what comes natural to get there , but let my body think what needs to be done . Focusing on the battle at hand , one of the kobolds went into the darkness and threw some sticky stuff at me . I didn 't have time to stop anyone else and I felt bad for letting the princess nearly take an attack . She was just as good at battle as when she fought in the mini castle she was in ! I had to match up . So when I cut myself free of the sticky stuff , I rushed down the hall area . I spotted a kobold , with weapons at the ready , dashed forward , saw a rope with some sign that said something like " put futt herr " and jumped around it to land on the other side . Then … for a brief second , I felt like I had no ground to put my feet on . I looked down and realized there was nothing there ! I fell and barely landed between a punch of spikes with thorn things . Some of it scraped me . It kinda itches , but I have to remain focused . I yelled for help . Soon , a rope came down . I came up to find that Gully threw the rope down . He yelled at me saying " Don 't rush off like that ! You 're gonna get yourself killed ! " I told him that I had good luck on my side . Just when I was thinking that the kiss may have been unlucky from the princess , he tries to jump across and fails badly . I hear a loud crush sound with metal bits tinging around the little pit followed by a loud " OWW ! " I then say " SEE ! It is good luck ! I didn 't get hurt like you did ! " Riley tried to jump across with the noose , but it couldn 't hold him as it broke . The princess jumped across and made it , but got hurt by some hooks attached to the ceiling ! As I had to get over there quickly , I backed up and jumped across to see these hooks that she was mentioning . I sliced off all the hooks on her and destroyed the area around her that had the hooks . Riley came back up , but then we kept getting fired by arrows somewhere beyond this little river . Riley could see and was responding , but I don 't know what was going on . I helped Gully up as payback for getting me out of the pit , but we had another issue . Once he got out , we had more of those hooks to deal with . I went over and realized with a flick of a switch , I could make all the hooks fall ! So I did and there was nothing more to deal with … on this side . I came over and saw some rope on the floor and this river . The river had something in it . So I used the moment to balance on the rope and just dance across the water like nothing . Normally , according to Riley , it wouldn 't hold anyone 's weight other than a Kobold 's . When I came across , I defeated one kobold , destroyed a cover point to reveal more kobolds , and got another kobold killed before it could get away . A voice came in our heads it seemed that called itself a watcher . This watcher had a slight high pitch to it in the background of his talking . We talked a bit . It seems that it was some kind of test . We were … well I thouht at the time , looking for the end of a gauntlet . I didn 't understand that we were looking for the end of the test we were going through , also called a gauntlet . Seemed touching Gully 's gauntlet was not " reaching the end of the gauntlet . " We went on to another room that had a wall and something on the other side . Riley went up and over . Soon , we didn 't hear anything . We called out for him and nothing was said . When Gully and I came up , I was shocked . Riley was on the floor with rats trying to eat him and some weird monster that looked like he was eating some of Riley 's money ! I yelled for the princess to say her words that seemed to heal people and get Riley back up . In the mean time , I jumped down and fought the rats . I was making quick work . Also , every time , the princess said something to me and it made me move quicker , slashing away at the rats ! Soon , I started feeling … like I was partly myself and partly not . I was moving to the point that everything was also slower , storming through . At one point , I almost didn 't even notice the princess joined me on the ground or Riley leaving the ground area . Once we got the monsters taken care of ( after it seemed to make the princess ' armor and weapon look like it was old , hardly used , and had too much water on it for a while ) , Riley seemed to make the door opened and get us into a new room . The voice told us these were electric traps and that each step could either go off and hit us or nothing would happen . Gully hopped over a couple of them , but a few went off and shocked him . He made it across . Riley decided to go next and try to figure out the rest from the spots that Gully found . He got hit hard with a shock that it brought him down . The princess went forward and used her words to bring him up . Together , they figured out having me walk on some of these floor pieces which were it and which weren 't . Thankfully , no more electrical traps happened , but I trust Riley not to let me get hurt . I was getting bored with calling the number the voice kept telling me . When we were on the other side , there were these strange stairs . They had words on each step . They said , in order from the closest step to us to the later steps : I was wondering if it meant one of those was true . Riley ordered Gully to go up and test . He starts moving and when he got to the third step , he vanished quickly with nothing left of him ! We stared at the stairs awaiting for something to happen . Nothing more happened . I asked " What happened ? " Riley said he poofed . The princess decided to fall to her knees and cry somewhat saying he died . I started to realize I was mentioning every situation where Gully nearly dropped and with me there , I kept telling him if he wants to die , then just die , but stop trying to live and just live . He kept struggling with that , but now that I think about it … he has been getting slightly better with living . Meh … we 'll see him again , I 'm sure . He is too annoying and somewhat a bully to keep down . Anyways , Riley went forward . He started to skip every 3rd step . While he was doing that , I was watching and looking at the steps he skipped . Part of me realized something . The steps he skipped actually is a message , but I never mentioned it to anyone . I figured they may have realized it on their own which was why Riley skipped the third step . Either that or he guessed because of Gully disappearing after stepping on the step that said " every " on it . When you read just the words Riley skipped , it said : When we went up to the next area , it seemed there were weapons with words on a wooden block piece by the weapons themselves . The weapons were a 2 things , each with a small blade at the end and a stick attachment … which was somewhat like a spear1 , a gauntlet with spikes on them , and a sword2 . The words however was weird . They read : I kept staring at the sword with the words . Out of all of them , It seemed to be strange for me . There was a door in the room . The princess asked me " What are you looking at , Chris ? " I kept mentioning that the words are … different on the sword than the others . I then wondered was the door unlocked . The princess went over to the door and I tried to stop her , thinking that maybe the door might be a trap . The door made some sort of face appear and said " Not without a password , you 're not . What is the password ? " That is when I stared back at the sword 's words and I was thinking " Password … ? " That is when it dawned on me why it was stranger than the others . The other 2 had the look that it was saying " This is Pa 's Hand Weapons . This is Pa 's Gauntlet . " And each following statement sounded like it was the name of Pa 's item . But the third one sounded like it was actually saying something . While words read " Pa 's Sword , " it really was saying when said out loud quickly " PasSword . " So when I separated out the name , Islet 's first off sounded like another name which couldn 't have been . When separated , it was Is Let 's . I guess the time with mom re - correcting me and learn about how words are … grammatically … the idea of the word " Let 's " being possessive just didn 't seem right . So looking at the word Laughter , I had to assume that the S in Let 's was actually belonging to the Laughter . Nice little game . And so , I called out : The door seemed to open . I was asked how I figured it out , but I simply told them that it was in the words and I showed them with my mind what it reads when you take away much of the parts that were pointless and separated out what needed to be done . They saw it and realized that it was a bit dumb not to see it then . When we went to the next room , there was a mirror and a word above the mirror . There was some very clean skeletons near these mirrors . The word above the mirror was spelled strange . I never saw it before . Mom didn 't even know what it was . It read : I stared at it for a while . Riley was looking over the skeletons at first . Then he was looking at the mirror . It seemed the mirror looked like it was a reflection of the room we were in , except we weren 't in the mirror and the mirror showed a pile of shiny coins and other treasures . I went back and I started to sound it out . I got to Try an is port I us … then I realized , all of the I 's were common in the pronounciation . I decided to take out the I 's and realized it said " Transport Us . " Just as I said it out loud , questioning why it would possibly be that word and hidden under those I 's , Riley poked the mirror with his crossbow bolt . He went through the mirror and was over there . Just as I asked what was happening , the shiny treasures decided to form up on its own to the shape of a dragon ! I came close to the mirror . The dragon came over and blasted all it could out on Riley . When the blast was finished , Riley was on the floor , injured badly . I had to get him out , so I reached into the mirror and managed to appear in the room . I then grabbed Riley and tried to grab him back out of the room . I manged to get back into the other room just before another blast happened . I yelled at the watcher that spoke to us earlier and asked if we could take a break . He said we could come and go as we please . So as we wait , we now wonder what will happen as we rest , treating the injuries we gained and possibly waiting for Gully to return . I 've been thinking though … is Gully really dead ? Its been a while . So we walked in to the Falcon Flight Tavern . There were many creatures in there . I even got to see a half bull , half man ! They actually do exist ! ! ! A dwarf and a human approached Ryld and me . I think they had an issue with me , but I am not entirely sure . Just then , the Dwarf looked at Riley and said " Its a drow ! " I didn 't understand what the fuss was about . Everyone in the bar got up and started fighting . I ducked under everyone . I saw there was a person in the back that wasn 't fighting with the others . I casually went over and even passed a beer bottle to some guy that was knocked down and looking at me asking for help . I don 't see a reason not to give it . Upon getting across , I sit with the guy and talk with him . He seemed cool , but didn 't want to be involved . I ended up asking about the princess . At the time , he seemed to not know for sure . Riley shortly came over and started talking . The guy seems to have wondered why I was here or Riley for that matter . I asked him if he knew where a group of rebelious people would be . He said I shouldn 't get involved with such type of people , but I told him that I wanted to see the princess and heard she is rebelious . At this point , the guy said that it was about time to " end this " and if he can excuse himself for a sec . Then , with just one sentence , he reveals that he is the captain of the guards and everyone better stop fighting or else . Everyone stopped , stared , got scared , and ran ! Some even jumped out the windows ! I was shocked to see how quickly they obeyed and ran in fear ! He was awesome ! Once the guy left with matters he had to take care of , Riley yelled at me for some strange reason . It seems it had to do with me talking about the princess . We followed the guard and he took a horse . He left quickly and the gate was open . Riley ran over and grabbed a horse from the nearby stables and without hesitation , left . Mom was about to leave with a horse , but as she was setting up , I wanted to make sure no one would come after us for some kind of payment to deal with . So I left a few coins in the bucket of the stable boy who was asleep the entire time . He is fine at being there . Obviously , he is tired . While on horses , we traveled , but the guards were chasing us ! I think they were mostly after Riley for taking the horse . Or having weapons … not sure which . We kept moving , but the guards were slowly catching up on their horses . We saw a group of wagons . I suddenly recognized that they were vistani I had seen in some camp sights during my time with the group that went missing ! They recognized me real fast and was kind to help me and my friends and my mother out . They hid us . I overheard them talking with the guards . It seems they told them that they saw many people come through , but they couldn 't find the ones they were looking for . I am not quite sure , but I think they were … bribed . He told them we went another direction and the guards left . They took us out of one of the caravans and told us we were safe . I thanked them , but it seems according to Brinna and Riley , we were in a hurry . I told the guy that if they should find the strong man that I still wanted to know how to pick up a large rock with no effort . We moved through the forests and shortly came across an … old building . The captain of the guards actually came to the building and got a bridge to come down and let him in . It then closed up . Everyone decided to wait . I was bored so I decided to take a nap . I looked around and realized that we left the metal man behind . I kinda wondered what happened to him … It was becoming early morning when I was awoken by Brinna due to them getting ready to figure out how to get through . Metal man suddenly met up with us ! I guess he has some sort of attachment to finding us or something . When he sat down , he had some writing on his back . I stared and looked at it … and started to laugh ! Now … I can 't remember what it said anymore … but it was funny at the time . Metal man wasn 't happy with the idea despite me trying not to actually tell him that something is on him . We went around and found a weak point in the wall . Riley climbed the wall and tried to sneak in . We started to hear sounds of battle and I was thinking Riley was in trouble . Metal man went over to the wall and bashed it open . I was honestly surprised that he could do that without hurting himself ! He went in and started attacking . I watched at first and realized that the person in shiney armor next to a camp fire was a gir - … . woman . She started to talk about how we were sent by the witch to take her away . I realized that she was the princess . In my mind , I was surprised . Aren 't princesses supposed to wear fancy looking dresses and look pretty ? Anyways , the metal man was telling her that while that is true , it was because her father didn 't repay his debt , much less win the love of her mother . She refused to believe that . Since metal man … was correct … I figured I had to help . I stared at her and concentrated … remembering how mom tried to talk to people in ther mind and make them come over . For a moment , I think I was in her mind . I showed her the images and explained the truth . I couldn 't keep it up for long though and I was quickly getting tired . Does Brinna always have that problem ? Soon , it seemed obvious that if I didn 't go in to stop the people attacking metal man that he was going to die . Seeing as he says he won 't die and is stubborn about it , I figured I should help . I came in and saw Riley was in trouble as well ! So I rushed at the people using bows and made some quick work . Some were dodging me though . Before long , I took them down , but one decided to cut me with his sword . I made him pay . I will not kill another unless they harm me first . Following mom 's rules about fighting others like myself : Fight in self defense , find a way out . If you can 't , its better to kill if they intend to kill you . Otherwise , harm them , but don 't kill them . Everyone here tried to harm me , except for the Captain of the guard and the lady . I stopped one with the bow from firing at Riley , went out the door and got stopped . He hurt me with his sword so I stabbed him . He was stopped . I went out and tried to help , but it seems the princess decided to … surrender . The captain I think didn 't understand he would lose as he seems confident in winning the battle . The princess got him to stop trying to fight and would offer herself freely to us if we let him go . She was going to cut her own throat ! Metal man agreed though … I didn 't get why . I didn 't think he would do such a thing . The princess talked about wanting to visit some place . Some place that had a gauntlet that she could use which was legendary . If she got that item , she would have a chance to fight the witch . I was fine with it , not really knowing what was going on . Her name was … Yseult . But then I asked her why is it that she is a princess , but not in a dress ? She told me that if she had brothers , perhaps she would be in a dress . But because she doesn 't , she had to learn to be tough while doing her duty . I remembered overhearing some people before about how a kiss from a princess is supposed to give you luck . So … I tried to ask confidently and if I could have a kiss . I quickly tried to explain that I heard it was good luck and I wanted to get such luck . It is better than any old looking sword or some clover . She said that she could , but normally , she only does so to knights . She asked if I wanted to be her knight . I said " sure ! " Although , I don 't think I would fit in the armor those knights would wear . Now that I think about it … I hope I don 't have to wear it . They seem to be rather heavy . Even Metal man 's armor makes sounds just by normal walking . The princess smiled . She then called my name and gave me … a title ! I am … We left and followed her . She was holding my hand and walking onward to the place of this gauntlet . She sure was kind , talking to me , asking me questions , telling abit about herself . Soon enough , we found the entrance to this cave . She said that this was the place . We headed up and got ready . I stood by Yseult … ready to defend her as a knight should do . I just ask myself though … Am I ready ? Note : These Adventure posts by zapoqx are done in the eyes of Chris . Read the character and it may explain many things . If grammer is wrong in anyway , 60 % of the time , blame Chris . 10 % of it , blame Brinna . The remaining , blame zapoqx . Some portions of the story may refer to NPCs that might be linked . If so , it may further explain certain elements of the story if it was outside the knowledge of Chris . We went through the swamps . Let me tell you , those swamps are a little sticky and hot . Being attacked by strange things and one with a stick that shot lightning and was short work . Although , that stick was cool , I tried to use it . It turns out that it fired something else . I decided not to keep it , but it seems Brinna does . I don 't know what mom wants to do with it though . Anywho , Riley ( Ryld ) obtained an orb . Brinna took it and managed to talk to some old lady on it . She apparently is a witch ! Though , mom and Gulbats ( Gulbran ) say that the witch would eat children . That is wrong ! Why would anyone want to eat a child ! So we kept on this path . On our way , we found a little girl who was strapped down on some block . I felt like she was one of those slaves they would kill . Gulbats goes off to save her first . I don 't understand him at all … not that I mind him saving the girl , just his reasoning with the city in … Nightshade Keep ? Yes . Anyways , to make his group take over the city by bribing them with an offer or take over the city by force ? Still makes me angry ! Back to the girl , as soon as Gulbats came over to her , some monster appears from the swamp ! It had many wavy legs and kept trying to attack us all with all these legs that picked up many swords ! We took it down and saved the girl , but those large bug things really sucked alot of blood out of me and Riley . I showed those bugs a thing or two . No one is allowed to take blood from me unless its Mom ! The little girl was named Roselily , like the flower ! She apparently was attacked by Orcs in her village and she had tried to escape , but was captured . She is with us now and is apparently a good cook ! I 'll tell you more about it later . Despite being small , she is actually 19 ! And here I thought she would be someone of my age . Oh well . We found the witch 's home . It … just didn 't seem like anyone could live in it . Built strange as if this thing could break apart with too much weight . Gulbats decided to go forward . I followed a little . He knocked and the door opened on its own . A voice was heard . It was old … and said a few strange things … creepy things . Something that apparently Elsa likes . Everyone else went inside except me and Roselily . I was not going in to some house that could possibly break apart or an old lady that said creepy stuff . After some time passed , I saw a person and a few creatures coming to the house . I was a bit scared and called for help . An old man , an ogre , a strange lizard man , and a human - like frog . Gulbats came out and saw these guys . He put himself in front of me as if ready to attack at any moment . They went inside and did nothing to me . Though , that big ogre seemed really dumb . Gulbats went inside and I remained outside . After a bit , I was a little bored . I decided to walts in and see what they were up to as well as take a peak at this witch . When I edged myself close to the corner of the room entrance , I saw the old witch . She was OLD and UGLY ! I was thinking I was better off remaining outside when I looked at the other room and saw a pixie trapped in a cage . I felt sad . No one should be held someplace they don 't want to be , like a slave . I sneaked over to try and open the cage . It was locked . As I 'm about to force that lock open , I jumped by the sound going on in the other room . I peered back just to see the ogre 's foot pointed up and the leg upward covered by parts of the house . Riley seemed to be straightening himself . I guess Riley took care of him . I return to the pixie cage and quickly open the lock … possibly by luck . The Pixie flies out of the cage . I turn around and realize the old man is looking at me . Before I could react and just as the guy seems ready to same something , the pixie seems to throw something at the guy . The guy doesn 't say anything about me . In fact , he seems to hate the witch and says it straight to her face . For a moment , I kinda like the guy . The witch didn 't appreciate it and turned him into a two - headed frog . I quickly check around and can 't find the pixie . As long as it is free … but why is there a person here that looks like Kyrta ? Maybe she has some sort of plan . I just didn 't think she would get here before us … but than again … why would she come at all if she sent us in the first place ? I exit the room and go back to the hall to keep watch of what is going on . It seems that the witch was going to try and give some people something . The human - like frog seemed to hop out of the room in a hurry and out of the house . Never noticed me . I turned back to the events . By this point , Riley and Gulbats take a taste of this brew . Something called the Nightmare brew . I somehow think its not a good idea to taste such a drink , but they did anyways . Oh , the lizard man also did too . All of a sudden , it seems they all were in pain and something seemed to be showing around them . Gulbats seems to be dragged into the water by some bear . I … am not surprised . The lizard man seems to be running away from a ghost of another lizard man ! Riley on the other hand was restrained on some object … trapped with things coming after him . Maybe I was wrong about Riley . Maybe he was once like me … Soon after , they all stopped . Gulbats was on the ground . The lizard man was also on the ground , but no where on his body seemed to show him breathing though . He was just … laying still . I guess he couldn 't handle seeing whatever he was afraid of . I guess those things really were their nightmares ! Riley managed to stay up through it all . Him and the Witch talked about stuff I didn 't really understand . Gulbats got up and was fully aware of his surroundings . He was caught up on what the witch and Riley were talking about . It seems that we need to get a princess . Why ? So that some " bargain " can be made . It seems Gulbats was thinking if a war was started by this group , his Empire needs slaves . I was angry about it , but held back . At least I now know what he is afraid of . After leaving the house , plans were made . We went off to the kingdom that this princess was located . On the way , it seems that the farms were in bad shape and any military person that saw Riley or Gulbats was immediately defensive and not welcomed . I find this wrong for Riley . Gulbats on the other hand , I don 't really care about . We found the kingdom , but the gates were closed and it was evening . Thinking that it may not be possible to get in with Gulbats and Riley . So me , Brinna , and Roselily were all heading in together since us 3 shouldn 't startle the guards . Inside , even at the current time , the city was busy and much more full . Apparently , the Inns were all full . Something was troubling these people . I asked around and it turns out that some orcs came and destroyed the farms and were … raiding … whatever that meant … everywhere . The King seems to be off gathering allies to help deal with the enemies . It is possible that the King may offer the princess as a reward for whatever Kingdom helps . However , the princess is a problem child … rebellious … something my mother once told me meaning usually never listens and goes their own way ignoring their parents and sometimes laws . I thought about it and decided to ask if there was other rebellious ones . It turns out that there was others . I think if she is rebellious , she is probably with them . So we will go after them ! The group came together in a forest during an attack on the city of Nightshade Keep . Gulbran , Paladin of Bane , and Ryld , a mysterious Drow who has his own agenda , ran into the battle first with 2 bears . They proved to be too tough for Gulbran , but the drow was making some progress . Chris entered the scene and attempted to fight to get them to back off . Soon , Lynnara joined up as well . Together , the bears were defeated , but one was killed while the other went back into the forest . The group found themselves meeting with a priestess of the Raven Queen named Kyrta . She was almost willing to talk with the Raven Queen for the group when a creepy little girl named Cheska showed up to demand the black fire of the Raven Queen and that the red plague would happen again if nothing is done . After the group defeated her minions and Cheska left , plans were made quickly to find Cheska . The group took a warforged as well as Gulbran 's companion Durom with them and set off to find Cheska . During their travel , they found Brinna and she was thankful to be reunited with her son , Chris . Brinna nearly persisted on not going with the group and taking Chris with her , but Chris was stricken with the Red Plague and made a promise to help the town . So Brinna reluctantly agreed to help . The group pressed on to find Cheska in her cave . In the middle of their battle , Cheska was almost defeated , but a sudden betrayal by Durom stopped her defeat . Thusly , she escaped . Brinna had an idea of how to cure the disease after seeing who was the one responsible for it , but it was to be dangerous . Chris had to cloak himself and was told to remain not seen . However , the red plague was getting worse and most members were not doing so well . Time was of the essence and they made haste . The group managed to come across a town Brinna was all too familiar with . The place seemed to be abundant with vampires . At the center was a mansion that held a powerful vampire master . The group infiltrated the town and the mansion , found the cure and battled their way out before the master appeared . They left the town quickly and each took a small bit of the cure potion . They returned to Nightshade Keep with the cure . Unfortunately , Nightshade Keep had a huge enough death toll before the cure could be brought back in time . Everyone still alive was saved , but it was still a price to pay . Everyone took some down time . Lynnara left to attend to some duties . Meanwhile , Gulbran returned with an army and coersed Kyrta that the army was needed . In doing so , the town would be protected by his empire , but the town must constantly be watched by a bunch of hobgoblins and must agree to their law . Many of the group members did not like this idea and were extremely unhappy with what Gulbran pulled , but there was nothing that could be done . Kyrta agreed . Kyrta sent the group off to find something deep in a forest . She told them that they 'd know what they were looking for when they 'd see it . So the group went off , taking Gulbran with them and traveled through the swamps . |
When I was about seven I remember being outside , at the end of our driveway . I can 't remember what I was doing , but I was probably riding some kind of vehicle , skateboard , big wheel , green machine , whatever . This older kid rode up on his bicycle and stopped . He smiled at me and said , " hey , hows it going ? " I smiled and said , " pretty good " He made some small talk , asked if my big wheel was really fast or something . And then he said , " catch you later " I remember that because it sounded so cool . And then he rode away . I don 't think I ever talked to him again . But I still remember it to this day . I can picture his face as I type this . Why ? Well for me it was this older kid , who was obviously really cool , and he took time to talk to me . It made me feel so good , I felt important . I remember smiling for a good long while . Just because someone said hello and took a moment to recognise my existence . I guess the question that comes to my mind now is : Do I do this for others now ? If a stupid minute out of my life , may make someone feel better , even a little . If for one moment they can feel validated , and acknowledged just by a smile and a hello , why don 't I do it more often ? Maybe the worlds not filled with impressionable seven years olds , but then again , maybe that seven year old is hidden in all of us . the rev Spent some time with a young man the other day . He has the word crib tattoo 'd on his face under his eye . He seemed rather excited about the fact that he had lost 3 kilos in the last eighteen months . And was very , very animated . He called to L who is probably the leader of our group that goes to the Lodge , put his arm around her and talked about how he was going to run away and marry her . I am pretty sure her husband would not approve of the plan . He started dancing to a particular song and insisted she dance a bit too , which she did . Then N and I spent about a half hour talking to him . He talked about how he liked it there , and that he knew he would get in a lot of trouble if he went back home . He told us of his sister and her pregnancy . I think he is excited to be an uncle . We compared tattoo 's , my Christ saves tattoo across my belly was admired and when I told him what it said , it must have stayed in his mind for a whole two seconds . N and I were then invited to go see the new stereo he had bought . It was a small boom box , and he immediately turned on some Tupac and turned it up really loud , to show us how great it sounded . It really was loud , but not so great sounding . We left after a few hours . I felt pretty melancholy for the rest of the day . Asking myself how we can make better relationships with these broken people . Maybe a movie night , maybe arranging some art lessons , maybe going to help clean some of the rooms . Or maybe I should just go pick up my friend , and go have a coffee , or see a movie . The programs are great , and might really be enjoyable to some , but ultimately it will be the relationships that matter . the rev Sunday morning our group gathered for our breakfast and worship . We had mushrooms , eggs , toast and bacon . Not a bad way to start the day . I shared a message I have been talking about in a few places . It was about the early church , the way they lived , the way they cared for one another , and their devotion to the apostle teaching , to each other , the the breaking of bread , and to prayer . Devotion is a strong word . How are we devoted to one another ? Devoted to the fellowship ? How does that actually work ? It would seem to me that we are often more devoted to the orgainization , than to each other . I for one believe the way forward in the church , and in the fight against poverty is to learn devotion to each other . The first church sold their belongings , rejected the materialism and consumerism of their day , and in so doing were free to care for others . Funny but this becomes attractional . People being generous , turning their backs on the world , actually loving each other , and caring for each other , well that sounds pretty good . Better than a hour and a half rock concert , motivational speaking session ! ! ! Well to me atleast . the rev I guess the old idea that if something is worth doing , its worth doing well can have lots of interesting twists and turns . The other day I was working at a long term shelter for homeless people . It is a pretty severe place with many of the people either heroin addicts or on the methadone program trying to stop being heroin addicts . There are a number of mentally ill people as well as some who have just gotten out of jail and are trying to get back into the flow of life . The hallways smell of urine , and unwashed people . Each floor has two bathroom and toilets for all of the occupents . Two floors , eighty people you do the math . I just started to go there on Fridays to give out coffee and tea . Its an opportunity to get to know some of the hurting in our own neighbor hood . As I was sitting in the room one guy began talking to us . He decided if he was gonna lie , he might as well go for it ! : ) Now as most good lies do his started with some truth , and then just went crazy . We couldn 't tell where the truth stopped and the lies began . And as I sat there listening to this pretty young man , who was a helicopter pilot , and didn 't drink , but while drunk rolled a personel carrier among other things , I found myself wondering why ? Why lie about soooo much ? Then I started thinking about myself . How much of my life , and my personna is a lie ? Do I try and make myself seem a little bit better , a little more humble , a little more self sacrificing ? And is it any different because it is more believable ? Atleast this guy had the balls to lie boldly . Perhaps the title of this little message is my title . I hope I can be a bit more honest , first with myself , and then with all of those I love . the liar At the UNOH conference I had another chat about how I could possibly be a cage fighter and a minister , and how could I possibly be a pacifist when I fight in the ring ? Well those are good questions , and to be honest , I do get tired of answering them , since ofcourse I have been asked them many times . I think I have come up with the best answer I can . I loved skateboarding . But I always got hurt when I skateboarded . Sometimes pretty severely . The weirdest thing is , I enjoyed skateboarding not because I got hurt , but because there was a risk of getting hurt . If you took away the risk , well , I just wouldn 't have any fun at all . I used to skateboard with Ray Barbie , who was at the time one of the top pro 's and a Christian , and a bunch of other Christian skate boarders . Someone would always bring up how great it would be in heaven . We could skate all we wanted and pull off the most insane tricks and we 'd never fall and get crunched . I couldn 't think of anything more boring . Well this is why I enjoy fighting . And my opponents are the same way . We enjoy the competition because of the risk , and that is why we both volountarily step in the ring to have a good time . I may not be able to live up to my values , but I would hope that even in the middle of a match if I began to take it peronally , or get angry , that I would forfeit and lose that match rather than strike someone in anger . There is something in me , and in many men I believe that is built for competition , for physical exertion and risk . I think we can follow this in a healthy way , loving each other along the way . Whether it is fighting , footy , or rugby , we get a chance to go out there and let that warrior nature come out , but within a framework that is not sinful . I love the guys I train with , I think as we wrestle and box with one another we are drawn closer , and grow together . There is a learning to get in touch with this part of us and accept it , and control it . Before this I could just deny this part of who I was , and therefore not be ready for the wild warrior maPosted by I love Daz , he is one of those amazing guys that lives as a very passionate , very male , very insane disciple of Jesus . He may not always say what you would expect , and will occasionally say things you don 't expect , but he always tells it like it is , in a powerfully simple way . He was talking this last weekend about sustainability . He talked about how the ideals are usually different from our reality , and the fact is we may never totally reach our ideals . When we start out in ministry we are often doing so with a lot of our own issues being the driving force , ie . our desire to feel good about helping people that get neglected or something of that nature . And we move on from there hopefully to become people that are commited to the task ie . committed to the poor . And hopefully we will move on to ministering out of our love for God . He talked about the pitfalls in each place . How we eventually find that we do not find ultimate fulfillment of our own ego in ministry . We will eventually see that the task will never be completed and that others quit and leave us alone . We cannot minister forever with these as the basis of what we do . But eventually we must move towards our love of God being the more important of these . Then he talked about these vultures : ) I didn 't hear where they were from , nor what kind they were , but they gave an interesting picture of Christian ministry . These birds would find a feed and gorge themselves to the point of not being able to move very well . They were not able to fly , but would run and flap their wings often just winding up stumbling and falling . But eventually the air would catch their wings just right and they would lift , as they flapped and stuggled eventually they would hit updrafts and they would wind up soaring to the heights with almost no effort , being carried on the wind . His point was this , we must wait on the Lord as we are exhausted from ministry , but it is not just standing still . We must move towards God , continuing to walk the walk . And then , somewhere in our struggles we bumPosted by One of the things Jackie told us was very impactful . She said the poor don 't need your money , they need you . Ofcourse they probably need both . But this is the problem many of those that don 't give use as a " proof " that it is hopeless . If we give money it will be eaten up by administration . It will be used up and wasted by the politicians . It will be spent on weapons , etc . Well some of those things may be true , however , the poor and the marginalized need more than money , they need you . My brother lived with a young racist skin head for about a year . The guy was a bit of a nutter , and I tried to help him grow out of his hate and anger a bit , but I wasn 't very successful . His Grandfather was a multi millionaire who really took a liking to my brother . He was talking to my brother one day and said , " these people think they should have my money , that it isn 't fair , well you know what ? If I gave them my money they would piss it away . In a few years they would be poor again " And though I would love to test his theory , it might be true in some instances . We only need to look at the gangster mc 's to see how often when we add a lot of money to certain situations that it doesn 't help , and can make it worse . But then what is our calling ? It seems to me that they not only need monetary help , but that they also need community , they need support , they need friends , they need examples . Josh McDowell once told me that what I needed to do in the midst of a generation of broken families ( the number one cause of poverty in the first world ) , was to love my wife and kids infront of as many people as I can , but especially the kids in my youth group . He said we might be the only real family they ever see , and they need to have an example to follow . I think I am saying the same thing . I can send my money , and I do . I can show up at the soup kitchen , and I have . But as long as I go home , in my nice comfortable neighborhood . As long as I am hidden from the people I say I care about . I am just perpetuating a system that keeps the poor , poor . It Posted by Been enjoying reading Acts again . At the end of Chapter four we find again that the early church lived in a form of voluntary communism . They didn 't consider their goods to be their own , but considered it all to be God 's and therefore , each others . They made sure needs were met , of everyone in their communities . Some were selling their homes and properties to help one another . It would appear from the text that others would use their homes to take in and care for those that needed that . One thing that is obvious , they considered it quite natural that following Jesus meant living in a way radically different from those around them . We live in a different age . I have a lawn mower that I only use once every two weeks in the summer , and once a month in the winter , but so does every one of my neighbors . why ? We not only live in houses by ourselves , but often have houses so that everyone has their own room , and we have bigger rooms for when we decide to be a part of others lives . We hear a message that God 's blessings means you have even more of this stuff . We even have " small houses " that we use just to store our stuff that won 't fit into our houses . We live in a different age , but do we have to live the same way ? I choose not tothe rev Haven 't been around much these last few days . Was at the UNOH surrender conference over the weekend , and then had a day away with the wife for our anniversary ( 17 years ) . But I am going to write some of my observations from this last weekend . Mick Duncan and Jackie Pullinger were the key speakers . Now Mick is someone I love listening to . He doesn 't sweeten it up . He doesn 't give you much in the way of comic relief . Nor does he shy away from the hard subjects . Brutally honest and direct . I love hearing from Mick , because when I do , I invariably hear from God as well . Mick and his wife Ruby went to live in the slums of Manilla for ten years . They lived in a little shack right in the middle of the filth and poverty . They went with their children as well . For ten years they were riddled with illness , with trials we can only imagine , and most tragically one of their children died . Ofcourse Mick has copped a lot of flack for this . And I won 't take the time to defend him here , nor would he want me to I belive . But he followed the call of God to minister to the poor , and he paid a heavy price . Mick 's second message really impacted me . He explained that he didn 't have a bunch of miraculous signs show him he was called to Manilla . He didn 't hear Gods voice from a clouds as a dove gently floated onto his shoulder . He didn 't receive a letter in the post signed the almighty . He saw the need . He felt God 's compassion , and he set out to meet that need . He put his hand up . He said here I am send me . He was moved with compassion and acted . Look my friends , I believe God leads and directs us . I believe God lights our path . But I also believe that God cannot steer a parked car . Until we get moving , put our hand up , do something , we are merely an inert object . And as much as God would point you in the correct direction unless you move , you will only be a car pointing a different way , but still parked , going no where . This world needs people to put their hand up . To say , I will respond . It requires two things , to see , and then to act . So oPosted by Peter and John were walking through the temple , and a crippled beggar starts doing what beggars do . Now this is the response I am challenged by : Peter looked straight at him , as did John . Then Peter said , " look at us " , so the man gave him his attention , expecting to get something from them . Now , I see beggars all the time . I am sure you do as well . But do you actually look them in the eye ? If they aren 't looking do you call their attention to your presence ? Do you take the time to actually acknowledge their humanity , to interact with them on a human level ? Sadly , sometimes I do not . Now Peter and John said , " we have no money , but we 'll give you what we can . " I believe they had already given him something , the knowledge that he was not invisible . But they gave him what they had to give , and then something amazing happened . Now I believe in miracles . I have seen some with my own two eyes , but I also have grown a bit of doubt about my ability to pull someone to their feet . But I wonder a few things about this passage : Do we look these people in the eye ? Can we legitmately say , " I have no money " And if we can , are we then absolved of responsiblity ? Or are we required to give what we do have ? Maybe we can see God working miraculously in our own lives if we take the time , and the faith , to follow the example of Peter and John . You know I don 't have any money , but how about some respect , and then how about some . . . ? What can I offer ? the rev Last night at the UNOH conference Jackie Pollinger was speaking , she then brought up one of her team who shared a prophecy . She then said , " all of you can do this " My heart started slamming in my chest . I got that God wants to talk to you feeling . I closed my eyes and tried to listen and I this is what I saw . I saw an island . It was kinda black and white and so reminded me a little of Alcatraz , probably from old movie scenes . But there were many bridges that went out to the island . It appeared to me that the Spirit of God was smashing the bridges . And then I saw people getting into the water and swimming towards the island . I asked the Lord what this meant , and this is what I believe He told me . We put the poor , the outcasts , the sinners , the different on an island . These may be ghettos , or mental hospitals , or just the cliques we force them into . Then we build bridges to these islands . These bridges are our programs . Then make us feel in contact , they make us feel like we are doing something , like we are meeting the needs . But the fact is , they keep these people on their islands and us off . We might visit them , but we are still alienated from them . The Spirit wants to take down these bridges so that we must climb into the water , make a commitment and a sacrifice and actually live with these people . This is the way of Jesus . the revAnd no I haven 't seen the motorcycle diaries , I have been told I just described a scene from it . I look forward to seeing it now . Well I moved in with my best friend , who is now my brother in law . My wife likes to point out that he is technically my step - brother in law . And I would pray for the kids of the black hole who were now certainly up to no good . I heard the two brothers moved in with the gal with three little boys . Could see that ending badly . My brother was staying with a girlfriend I believe . Tri Hawk moved home and Fingers was probably just bumming sleeps around town . It was probably about three months later I got a phone call from my brother . There had been a fire and Mohawk boy and Big Brother were trying to get ahold of me . A mattress had ignited at the house they were living with the three children , and all three of the children were in the hospital ICU , one was badly burned but stable , one could go either way , and the other wasn 't expected to make it through the night . I got ahold of Mohawk Boy and Big Brother , and the mother of the boys was begging me to come to the hospital . I was the only pastor these guys had ever known . So I show up , twenty years old , with my bible under my arm , and pretend to be a minister . I was the only person allowed in the room with the children besides mom and dad , ( who for now called a truce ) . I prayed for the little guys as hard as I knew how . I wasn 't allowed to touch them but I did my best imitation of laying on of hands , I had seen my pastor do it lots of times . And then I waited with the family , and my family . The kids of the black hole were all there , except fingers , who I think may have been in jail again . I talked seriously with the brothers , and they both asked if I would pray with them to recommit their lives to Jesus . I talked to the mother , who also asked to become a Christian . I talked to the grandparents , I talked to Mohawk Boy and Big Brothers parents . I even talked to my own brother , but he was still kinda weirded out over watching his big brother become some Jesus freak . I stayed at the hospital for the next day and night . The child they said wouldn 't make it through the night did , Posted by Well , as you can imagine things were not always calm around our place . Mohawk boy got his knife ring stuck into his finger and we couldn 't get it off , after punching a middle aged cowboy who thought these young punks would make for some good sport . Don 't even remember how we got it off . Big brother had his bi weekly paranoid sessions . Tri hawk decided to shave off his eyebrows . Fingers actually broke the only house rule , no one allowed on my bed . Not only did he break it , but he had some help breaking it ! We were visited by the police a number of occasions , usually when I wasn 't home . The reason was because the cops were unjustly persecuting my fair young friends . Or so they told me . One evening there was quite an uproar down stairs and I went out with the boys to see what was up . Some young gentleman was quite upset and was trying to get in a fight with mohawk boy , which would have been a mistake . I was trying to be the peace maker . One little obnoxious punk named Richard was trying to egg it on , and I told him with the authority only a two hundred pound former wrestler could muster to , " shut the hell up " , he did . Well this angry young man kept getting more and more insulting and aggresive . Mohawk boy took off his leather jacket which was his sign that he had had enough and was gonna beat this loud mouth to a pulp . I again stepped in the middle and was trying to broker peace . Then the loudmouth started in on me . I was getting angry , and , well to tell you the truth I was quite interested in impressing everyone with my fighting abilities . It must have shown on my face because he started jumping around , " you want some , I got some for you , I got some for you , I 'll shoot your ass , I 'll shoot your ass " Well I don 't know if he had a gun or not , but I smiled and told him he had better leave now and that I was sure the cops are on their way . He left , but the memory of that altercation didn 't . For days I relived it , only in my mind I shot a double leg , picked him up over my head , smashed him into the sidewalk and beat him tPosted by wanted to share this > TO MEET SUCH A MAN > I sat , with two friends , in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the town - square . The food and the company were both especially good that day . >> As we talked , my attention was drawn outside , across the street . There , walking into town , was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back . He was carrying a well - worn sign that read , " I will work for food . " My heart sank . >> I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him . Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief . We continued with our meal , but his image lingered in my mind . We finished our meal and went our separate ways . I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them . I glanced toward the town square , looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor . I was fearful , knowing that seeing him again would call for some response . I drove through town and saw nothing of him . I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car . >> Deep within me , the Spirit of God kept speaking to me : " Don 't go back to the office until you 've at least driven once more around the square . " >> Then , with some hesitancy , I headed back into town . As I turned the square 's third corner , I saw him . He was standing on the steps of the store front church , going through his sack . >> I stopped and looked , feeling both compelled to speak to him , yet wanting to drive on . The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God : an invitation to park . I pulled in , got out and approached the town 's newest visitor . >> " Looking for the pastor ? " I asked . > " Not really , " he replied , " just resting . " > " Have you eaten today ? " > " Oh , I ate something early this morning . " > " Would you like to have lunch with me ? " > " Do you have some work I could do for you ? " >> " No work , " I replied . " I commute here to work from the city , but I would like to take you to lunch . " > " Sure , " he replied with a smile . >> As he began to gather his things , I asked some surPosted by One of my favorite memories of the black hole was Thanksgiving . This was the first Thansgiving away from home for my brothers and I . We were used to the whole big dinner thing , with Turkey and Ham , sweet potatoes with marshmallow top , stuffing , potatoes and gravy , creamed greenbeans with crunchy onion topping , cranberry jelly with cream cheese topping , and pies . Lots and lots of pies . Pumpkin , mince , apple , cherry and pumpkin . It was always a very big deal to us . Still is for me . We had a Thansgiving dinner here in Australia with fifty of our friends turning up . I love thanksgiving . Well this year , my brothers and I , along with our new flatmates , decided to do our own thanksgiving . We would invite any of the other punks that didn 't have a place to go and we would do it right . We cooked a turkey in our over , might have been the first time we ever used it . We made sweet potatoes , mashed potatoes , and some chips : ) We bought pies , and bread , and another Thanksgiving tradition , sparkling apple juice . It was awesome . As I sat around the table , I was surrounded by mohowks , leather jackets , bald heads and piercings . I felt like I was one of the pilgrims having the first thanksgiving with the ( politically correct alert ) indiginous people of America . And I was especially pleased when they all politely bowed their heads for a prayer before we started . I think back and realize that there is something sacred about eating with others . I realize why the early church did so much eating together . We laughed , watched football on the tele , talked about other thanksgivings . You see we were all seperated from our family , so we became one ourselves , and it was an awesome time . I have many wonderful thanksgiving memories , but that one , probably impacted my life more than the others . I have since tried to always honor the memory of the Black Hole Thanksgiving , by inviting others to share our table . the rev There were two brothers among my brothers friends . They were an interesting pair . The youngest was one of those characters that you usually only see in the movies . He was young , charismatic , and very good looking . I know this is hard to believe , but he actually looked better with his black and white mohawk . Everywhere he went the girls all looked at him . Even the non punk rock girls , well , especially the non punk girls . He was the dream man , beautiful , and really bad . Their parents would hate him . The older brother was a good guy . Would get very paranoid when he was up too many days . And , well he was a bit jealous of his little brother . They both boxed when they were younger , and the younger was even the better boxer . It seemed to be very hard to live in his little brothers shadow , and he had a bit of anger over the whole thing . They both had a lot of anger over some other stuff too . See mom and dad went to a pentecostal church . And when these two would misbehave , as teenagers often do , their parents would take them to church and the elders would cast demons out of them . They preached a fire and brimstone version of pentecostal holiness at their church , and these boys bore the brunt of it . They didn 't care much for the church , but did seem to understand me , a bit . One time when the oldest had been up for about twelve days he went a little crazy . He had turned over the couch in the living room , and was hiding behind it with a pellet gun . He was screaming and shooting at anyone who tried to come in the housse . We didn 't know what to do , but eventually he ran into the bedroom and locked the door . He fell asleep for a few days and life returned to normal . Another time we were talking in the living room and I saw the older brother standing at the door watching his little brother . He seemed to be muttering to himself and getting angrier and angrier . The younger brother didn 't notice him . But all of a sudden the first born starts running across the room and at full run punches mohawk boy right in the face as hard as he coulPosted by Funny how people will do anything to get around the call of Jesus to sacrifice . They bend and twist and turn , first they are literalists , then they are not . They say , the bible says what it means and means what it says . Then they explain away everything that requires them to actually leave the place of comfort , and security and venture off into the crazy world of the Spirit . It 's like trying to get someone out of the spa , when its zero degrees outside . Well I must be honest , I am not the best at this myself . I try . I have sold most of what I owned and tried to follow , but I still like a bit of security . I want to still have a glass of wine that comes from a bottle once and a while . But atleast I am trying . Funny , the more I actually give up , the more I realise I got more in return . But not like the Copenhagen faith people tell you , I didn 't get more money , I got more joy . More love . More fulfillment . You know , the stuff that doesn 't really pay the rent . Jesus preached a downwardly mobile kingdom , where the greatest is the servant of all . And He actually left all and showed us what true sacrifice and humility means . We have in turn tried to create Jesus Claus who gives you everything you want if you are good enough , have enough faith , or plant enough seed . Well guess I will just end my hypocritical rant and put my bags in the mercedes so I can go to class . Oh , just incase you were wondering its twenty five years old , was loaned to us to use while we are here , and needs a bit of work . the rev I remember when I was twenty , my parents had moved up to Sacramento and I was living with two of my younger brothers in a two bedroom apartment . I had been a follower of Jesus for about a year and a half . My brothers friends were a ragged bunch of punk rockers . They had nick names like Fingers . They were probably not the best group of friends my brothers could have chosen . They lived in the basement of an abandoned house , sold and took drugs , and stole things to pay for it . At the time I didn 't realize that Jesus didn 't actually mean the things he said , and figured if they needed a place to stay , and I had a place to stay it was calling to offer them a place to stay . So now it was my two brothers , four of their friends , and myself , in a two bedroom apartment . They knew I was a Christian , they knew that was why I let them come live with us , and they tried their best to keep most of their truly immoral and illegal activities out of my eye sight . But let me tell you , the apartment . . . Well it didn 't smell too good . It was constantly a mess . There was always loud music , and loud people over . And to tell you the truth I did love it . I was quite fond of these punks , I was one when I was younger , and Jesus hadn 't completely taken the rebeliousness out of me yet . ( still hasn 't actually , I am glad to say ) Well this is a long story , and I hope you will stay with me through it all , but I thought I might start by describing the place to you . When you walked in the door there was a semi large room which held our couch , our tv and our stereo . At the back of it there was a bar that seperated the lounge room from the kitchen , and off to the side of the kitchen was a dining area where we had our table and chairs . On the stove in the kitchen was a giant pot of grease , that we would occasionally replace . There was a basket that went in the grease . And the walls all had a nice slippery coating of said grease . Our refridgerator was full of chips , frozen burritos , tater tots , fish sticks and anything else you could cook in a pot of greasePosted by I say this understanding that I may offend certain people and anger others , but I still think I need to say it . John Smith is an amazing guy . He is a hero to many within the Australian church , and well should be . From all I have heard of the guy , he seems worthy of the title legend . However , at the FORGE national summit , I had a bit of a problem with the address he gave . Let me first say that his address was perhaps one of the most inspirational , and well received of the weekend . I think I heard more comments about how moved they were by his message than any other message . This actually makes me a bit sad . Not sad that they like him , but sad that I missed it . Being involved with the planning and running of the conference I had much to do , and was forced to listen to John from the foyer , and watch on the big screen . After listening to the first thirty minutes , I simply found other things to keep me busy . If I was in the main hall I would not have walked out , but since my leaving would not upset anyone , I did leave . Why ? Well for the first thirty minutes every other sentence was a critique on George Bush , or the American military . Those that know me well , might be laughing as they read this , as they know , I have no great love for the president , nor the current hostilities around the world . And in truth I agreed with just about everything John said . My issue was not with the content , but the purpose of the message . I have talked to other Americans there , and all three of them were a bit embarassed and offended . Again , I understand that offending people is par for the course if you are going to " tell the truth " , but what was the purpose of this part of the message ? There was nothing for anyone in that room to do about it ! They could not vote George W out of office , they could not organize a march on the capital , they could not even call their local congresman . This message was spoken with no possible recourse . I believe this was inappropriate . The prophets of our day must stand , and take a hard line against the corruptionPosted by |
When I was about seven I remember being outside , at the end of our driveway . I can 't remember what I was doing , but I was probably riding some kind of vehicle , skateboard , big wheel , green machine , whatever . This older kid rode up on his bicycle and stopped . He smiled at me and said , " hey , hows it going ? " I smiled and said , " pretty good " He made some small talk , asked if my big wheel was really fast or something . And then he said , " catch you later " I remember that because it sounded so cool . And then he rode away . I don 't think I ever talked to him again . But I still remember it to this day . I can picture his face as I type this . Why ? Well for me it was this older kid , who was obviously really cool , and he took time to talk to me . It made me feel so good , I felt important . I remember smiling for a good long while . Just because someone said hello and took a moment to recognise my existence . I guess the question that comes to my mind now is : Do I do this for others now ? If a stupid minute out of my life , may make someone feel better , even a little . If for one moment they can feel validated , and acknowledged just by a smile and a hello , why don 't I do it more often ? Maybe the worlds not filled with impressionable seven years olds , but then again , maybe that seven year old is hidden in all of us . the rev Spent some time with a young man the other day . He has the word crib tattoo 'd on his face under his eye . He seemed rather excited about the fact that he had lost 3 kilos in the last eighteen months . And was very , very animated . He called to L who is probably the leader of our group that goes to the Lodge , put his arm around her and talked about how he was going to run away and marry her . I am pretty sure her husband would not approve of the plan . He started dancing to a particular song and insisted she dance a bit too , which she did . Then N and I spent about a half hour talking to him . He talked about how he liked it there , and that he knew he would get in a lot of trouble if he went back home . He told us of his sister and her pregnancy . I think he is excited to be an uncle . We compared tattoo 's , my Christ saves tattoo across my belly was admired and when I told him what it said , it must have stayed in his mind for a whole two seconds . N and I were then invited to go see the new stereo he had bought . It was a small boom box , and he immediately turned on some Tupac and turned it up really loud , to show us how great it sounded . It really was loud , but not so great sounding . We left after a few hours . I felt pretty melancholy for the rest of the day . Asking myself how we can make better relationships with these broken people . Maybe a movie night , maybe arranging some art lessons , maybe going to help clean some of the rooms . Or maybe I should just go pick up my friend , and go have a coffee , or see a movie . The programs are great , and might really be enjoyable to some , but ultimately it will be the relationships that matter . the rev Sunday morning our group gathered for our breakfast and worship . We had mushrooms , eggs , toast and bacon . Not a bad way to start the day . I shared a message I have been talking about in a few places . It was about the early church , the way they lived , the way they cared for one another , and their devotion to the apostle teaching , to each other , the the breaking of bread , and to prayer . Devotion is a strong word . How are we devoted to one another ? Devoted to the fellowship ? How does that actually work ? It would seem to me that we are often more devoted to the orgainization , than to each other . I for one believe the way forward in the church , and in the fight against poverty is to learn devotion to each other . The first church sold their belongings , rejected the materialism and consumerism of their day , and in so doing were free to care for others . Funny but this becomes attractional . People being generous , turning their backs on the world , actually loving each other , and caring for each other , well that sounds pretty good . Better than a hour and a half rock concert , motivational speaking session ! ! ! Well to me atleast . the rev I guess the old idea that if something is worth doing , its worth doing well can have lots of interesting twists and turns . The other day I was working at a long term shelter for homeless people . It is a pretty severe place with many of the people either heroin addicts or on the methadone program trying to stop being heroin addicts . There are a number of mentally ill people as well as some who have just gotten out of jail and are trying to get back into the flow of life . The hallways smell of urine , and unwashed people . Each floor has two bathroom and toilets for all of the occupents . Two floors , eighty people you do the math . I just started to go there on Fridays to give out coffee and tea . Its an opportunity to get to know some of the hurting in our own neighbor hood . As I was sitting in the room one guy began talking to us . He decided if he was gonna lie , he might as well go for it ! : ) Now as most good lies do his started with some truth , and then just went crazy . We couldn 't tell where the truth stopped and the lies began . And as I sat there listening to this pretty young man , who was a helicopter pilot , and didn 't drink , but while drunk rolled a personel carrier among other things , I found myself wondering why ? Why lie about soooo much ? Then I started thinking about myself . How much of my life , and my personna is a lie ? Do I try and make myself seem a little bit better , a little more humble , a little more self sacrificing ? And is it any different because it is more believable ? Atleast this guy had the balls to lie boldly . Perhaps the title of this little message is my title . I hope I can be a bit more honest , first with myself , and then with all of those I love . the liar At the UNOH conference I had another chat about how I could possibly be a cage fighter and a minister , and how could I possibly be a pacifist when I fight in the ring ? Well those are good questions , and to be honest , I do get tired of answering them , since ofcourse I have been asked them many times . I think I have come up with the best answer I can . I loved skateboarding . But I always got hurt when I skateboarded . Sometimes pretty severely . The weirdest thing is , I enjoyed skateboarding not because I got hurt , but because there was a risk of getting hurt . If you took away the risk , well , I just wouldn 't have any fun at all . I used to skateboard with Ray Barbie , who was at the time one of the top pro 's and a Christian , and a bunch of other Christian skate boarders . Someone would always bring up how great it would be in heaven . We could skate all we wanted and pull off the most insane tricks and we 'd never fall and get crunched . I couldn 't think of anything more boring . Well this is why I enjoy fighting . And my opponents are the same way . We enjoy the competition because of the risk , and that is why we both volountarily step in the ring to have a good time . I may not be able to live up to my values , but I would hope that even in the middle of a match if I began to take it peronally , or get angry , that I would forfeit and lose that match rather than strike someone in anger . There is something in me , and in many men I believe that is built for competition , for physical exertion and risk . I think we can follow this in a healthy way , loving each other along the way . Whether it is fighting , footy , or rugby , we get a chance to go out there and let that warrior nature come out , but within a framework that is not sinful . I love the guys I train with , I think as we wrestle and box with one another we are drawn closer , and grow together . There is a learning to get in touch with this part of us and accept it , and control it . Before this I could just deny this part of who I was , and therefore not be ready for the wild warrior maPosted by I love Daz , he is one of those amazing guys that lives as a very passionate , very male , very insane disciple of Jesus . He may not always say what you would expect , and will occasionally say things you don 't expect , but he always tells it like it is , in a powerfully simple way . He was talking this last weekend about sustainability . He talked about how the ideals are usually different from our reality , and the fact is we may never totally reach our ideals . When we start out in ministry we are often doing so with a lot of our own issues being the driving force , ie . our desire to feel good about helping people that get neglected or something of that nature . And we move on from there hopefully to become people that are commited to the task ie . committed to the poor . And hopefully we will move on to ministering out of our love for God . He talked about the pitfalls in each place . How we eventually find that we do not find ultimate fulfillment of our own ego in ministry . We will eventually see that the task will never be completed and that others quit and leave us alone . We cannot minister forever with these as the basis of what we do . But eventually we must move towards our love of God being the more important of these . Then he talked about these vultures : ) I didn 't hear where they were from , nor what kind they were , but they gave an interesting picture of Christian ministry . These birds would find a feed and gorge themselves to the point of not being able to move very well . They were not able to fly , but would run and flap their wings often just winding up stumbling and falling . But eventually the air would catch their wings just right and they would lift , as they flapped and stuggled eventually they would hit updrafts and they would wind up soaring to the heights with almost no effort , being carried on the wind . His point was this , we must wait on the Lord as we are exhausted from ministry , but it is not just standing still . We must move towards God , continuing to walk the walk . And then , somewhere in our struggles we bumPosted by One of the things Jackie told us was very impactful . She said the poor don 't need your money , they need you . Ofcourse they probably need both . But this is the problem many of those that don 't give use as a " proof " that it is hopeless . If we give money it will be eaten up by administration . It will be used up and wasted by the politicians . It will be spent on weapons , etc . Well some of those things may be true , however , the poor and the marginalized need more than money , they need you . My brother lived with a young racist skin head for about a year . The guy was a bit of a nutter , and I tried to help him grow out of his hate and anger a bit , but I wasn 't very successful . His Grandfather was a multi millionaire who really took a liking to my brother . He was talking to my brother one day and said , " these people think they should have my money , that it isn 't fair , well you know what ? If I gave them my money they would piss it away . In a few years they would be poor again " And though I would love to test his theory , it might be true in some instances . We only need to look at the gangster mc 's to see how often when we add a lot of money to certain situations that it doesn 't help , and can make it worse . But then what is our calling ? It seems to me that they not only need monetary help , but that they also need community , they need support , they need friends , they need examples . Josh McDowell once told me that what I needed to do in the midst of a generation of broken families ( the number one cause of poverty in the first world ) , was to love my wife and kids infront of as many people as I can , but especially the kids in my youth group . He said we might be the only real family they ever see , and they need to have an example to follow . I think I am saying the same thing . I can send my money , and I do . I can show up at the soup kitchen , and I have . But as long as I go home , in my nice comfortable neighborhood . As long as I am hidden from the people I say I care about . I am just perpetuating a system that keeps the poor , poor . It Posted by Been enjoying reading Acts again . At the end of Chapter four we find again that the early church lived in a form of voluntary communism . They didn 't consider their goods to be their own , but considered it all to be God 's and therefore , each others . They made sure needs were met , of everyone in their communities . Some were selling their homes and properties to help one another . It would appear from the text that others would use their homes to take in and care for those that needed that . One thing that is obvious , they considered it quite natural that following Jesus meant living in a way radically different from those around them . We live in a different age . I have a lawn mower that I only use once every two weeks in the summer , and once a month in the winter , but so does every one of my neighbors . why ? We not only live in houses by ourselves , but often have houses so that everyone has their own room , and we have bigger rooms for when we decide to be a part of others lives . We hear a message that God 's blessings means you have even more of this stuff . We even have " small houses " that we use just to store our stuff that won 't fit into our houses . We live in a different age , but do we have to live the same way ? I choose not tothe rev Haven 't been around much these last few days . Was at the UNOH surrender conference over the weekend , and then had a day away with the wife for our anniversary ( 17 years ) . But I am going to write some of my observations from this last weekend . Mick Duncan and Jackie Pullinger were the key speakers . Now Mick is someone I love listening to . He doesn 't sweeten it up . He doesn 't give you much in the way of comic relief . Nor does he shy away from the hard subjects . Brutally honest and direct . I love hearing from Mick , because when I do , I invariably hear from God as well . Mick and his wife Ruby went to live in the slums of Manilla for ten years . They lived in a little shack right in the middle of the filth and poverty . They went with their children as well . For ten years they were riddled with illness , with trials we can only imagine , and most tragically one of their children died . Ofcourse Mick has copped a lot of flack for this . And I won 't take the time to defend him here , nor would he want me to I belive . But he followed the call of God to minister to the poor , and he paid a heavy price . Mick 's second message really impacted me . He explained that he didn 't have a bunch of miraculous signs show him he was called to Manilla . He didn 't hear Gods voice from a clouds as a dove gently floated onto his shoulder . He didn 't receive a letter in the post signed the almighty . He saw the need . He felt God 's compassion , and he set out to meet that need . He put his hand up . He said here I am send me . He was moved with compassion and acted . Look my friends , I believe God leads and directs us . I believe God lights our path . But I also believe that God cannot steer a parked car . Until we get moving , put our hand up , do something , we are merely an inert object . And as much as God would point you in the correct direction unless you move , you will only be a car pointing a different way , but still parked , going no where . This world needs people to put their hand up . To say , I will respond . It requires two things , to see , and then to act . So oPosted by Peter and John were walking through the temple , and a crippled beggar starts doing what beggars do . Now this is the response I am challenged by : Peter looked straight at him , as did John . Then Peter said , " look at us " , so the man gave him his attention , expecting to get something from them . Now , I see beggars all the time . I am sure you do as well . But do you actually look them in the eye ? If they aren 't looking do you call their attention to your presence ? Do you take the time to actually acknowledge their humanity , to interact with them on a human level ? Sadly , sometimes I do not . Now Peter and John said , " we have no money , but we 'll give you what we can . " I believe they had already given him something , the knowledge that he was not invisible . But they gave him what they had to give , and then something amazing happened . Now I believe in miracles . I have seen some with my own two eyes , but I also have grown a bit of doubt about my ability to pull someone to their feet . But I wonder a few things about this passage : Do we look these people in the eye ? Can we legitmately say , " I have no money " And if we can , are we then absolved of responsiblity ? Or are we required to give what we do have ? Maybe we can see God working miraculously in our own lives if we take the time , and the faith , to follow the example of Peter and John . You know I don 't have any money , but how about some respect , and then how about some . . . ? What can I offer ? the rev Last night at the UNOH conference Jackie Pollinger was speaking , she then brought up one of her team who shared a prophecy . She then said , " all of you can do this " My heart started slamming in my chest . I got that God wants to talk to you feeling . I closed my eyes and tried to listen and I this is what I saw . I saw an island . It was kinda black and white and so reminded me a little of Alcatraz , probably from old movie scenes . But there were many bridges that went out to the island . It appeared to me that the Spirit of God was smashing the bridges . And then I saw people getting into the water and swimming towards the island . I asked the Lord what this meant , and this is what I believe He told me . We put the poor , the outcasts , the sinners , the different on an island . These may be ghettos , or mental hospitals , or just the cliques we force them into . Then we build bridges to these islands . These bridges are our programs . Then make us feel in contact , they make us feel like we are doing something , like we are meeting the needs . But the fact is , they keep these people on their islands and us off . We might visit them , but we are still alienated from them . The Spirit wants to take down these bridges so that we must climb into the water , make a commitment and a sacrifice and actually live with these people . This is the way of Jesus . the revAnd no I haven 't seen the motorcycle diaries , I have been told I just described a scene from it . I look forward to seeing it now . Well I moved in with my best friend , who is now my brother in law . My wife likes to point out that he is technically my step - brother in law . And I would pray for the kids of the black hole who were now certainly up to no good . I heard the two brothers moved in with the gal with three little boys . Could see that ending badly . My brother was staying with a girlfriend I believe . Tri Hawk moved home and Fingers was probably just bumming sleeps around town . It was probably about three months later I got a phone call from my brother . There had been a fire and Mohawk boy and Big Brother were trying to get ahold of me . A mattress had ignited at the house they were living with the three children , and all three of the children were in the hospital ICU , one was badly burned but stable , one could go either way , and the other wasn 't expected to make it through the night . I got ahold of Mohawk Boy and Big Brother , and the mother of the boys was begging me to come to the hospital . I was the only pastor these guys had ever known . So I show up , twenty years old , with my bible under my arm , and pretend to be a minister . I was the only person allowed in the room with the children besides mom and dad , ( who for now called a truce ) . I prayed for the little guys as hard as I knew how . I wasn 't allowed to touch them but I did my best imitation of laying on of hands , I had seen my pastor do it lots of times . And then I waited with the family , and my family . The kids of the black hole were all there , except fingers , who I think may have been in jail again . I talked seriously with the brothers , and they both asked if I would pray with them to recommit their lives to Jesus . I talked to the mother , who also asked to become a Christian . I talked to the grandparents , I talked to Mohawk Boy and Big Brothers parents . I even talked to my own brother , but he was still kinda weirded out over watching his big brother become some Jesus freak . I stayed at the hospital for the next day and night . The child they said wouldn 't make it through the night did , Posted by Well , as you can imagine things were not always calm around our place . Mohawk boy got his knife ring stuck into his finger and we couldn 't get it off , after punching a middle aged cowboy who thought these young punks would make for some good sport . Don 't even remember how we got it off . Big brother had his bi weekly paranoid sessions . Tri hawk decided to shave off his eyebrows . Fingers actually broke the only house rule , no one allowed on my bed . Not only did he break it , but he had some help breaking it ! We were visited by the police a number of occasions , usually when I wasn 't home . The reason was because the cops were unjustly persecuting my fair young friends . Or so they told me . One evening there was quite an uproar down stairs and I went out with the boys to see what was up . Some young gentleman was quite upset and was trying to get in a fight with mohawk boy , which would have been a mistake . I was trying to be the peace maker . One little obnoxious punk named Richard was trying to egg it on , and I told him with the authority only a two hundred pound former wrestler could muster to , " shut the hell up " , he did . Well this angry young man kept getting more and more insulting and aggresive . Mohawk boy took off his leather jacket which was his sign that he had had enough and was gonna beat this loud mouth to a pulp . I again stepped in the middle and was trying to broker peace . Then the loudmouth started in on me . I was getting angry , and , well to tell you the truth I was quite interested in impressing everyone with my fighting abilities . It must have shown on my face because he started jumping around , " you want some , I got some for you , I got some for you , I 'll shoot your ass , I 'll shoot your ass " Well I don 't know if he had a gun or not , but I smiled and told him he had better leave now and that I was sure the cops are on their way . He left , but the memory of that altercation didn 't . For days I relived it , only in my mind I shot a double leg , picked him up over my head , smashed him into the sidewalk and beat him tPosted by wanted to share this > TO MEET SUCH A MAN > I sat , with two friends , in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the town - square . The food and the company were both especially good that day . >> As we talked , my attention was drawn outside , across the street . There , walking into town , was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back . He was carrying a well - worn sign that read , " I will work for food . " My heart sank . >> I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him . Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief . We continued with our meal , but his image lingered in my mind . We finished our meal and went our separate ways . I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them . I glanced toward the town square , looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor . I was fearful , knowing that seeing him again would call for some response . I drove through town and saw nothing of him . I made some purchases at a store and got back in my car . >> Deep within me , the Spirit of God kept speaking to me : " Don 't go back to the office until you 've at least driven once more around the square . " >> Then , with some hesitancy , I headed back into town . As I turned the square 's third corner , I saw him . He was standing on the steps of the store front church , going through his sack . >> I stopped and looked , feeling both compelled to speak to him , yet wanting to drive on . The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God : an invitation to park . I pulled in , got out and approached the town 's newest visitor . >> " Looking for the pastor ? " I asked . > " Not really , " he replied , " just resting . " > " Have you eaten today ? " > " Oh , I ate something early this morning . " > " Would you like to have lunch with me ? " > " Do you have some work I could do for you ? " >> " No work , " I replied . " I commute here to work from the city , but I would like to take you to lunch . " > " Sure , " he replied with a smile . >> As he began to gather his things , I asked some surPosted by One of my favorite memories of the black hole was Thanksgiving . This was the first Thansgiving away from home for my brothers and I . We were used to the whole big dinner thing , with Turkey and Ham , sweet potatoes with marshmallow top , stuffing , potatoes and gravy , creamed greenbeans with crunchy onion topping , cranberry jelly with cream cheese topping , and pies . Lots and lots of pies . Pumpkin , mince , apple , cherry and pumpkin . It was always a very big deal to us . Still is for me . We had a Thansgiving dinner here in Australia with fifty of our friends turning up . I love thanksgiving . Well this year , my brothers and I , along with our new flatmates , decided to do our own thanksgiving . We would invite any of the other punks that didn 't have a place to go and we would do it right . We cooked a turkey in our over , might have been the first time we ever used it . We made sweet potatoes , mashed potatoes , and some chips : ) We bought pies , and bread , and another Thanksgiving tradition , sparkling apple juice . It was awesome . As I sat around the table , I was surrounded by mohowks , leather jackets , bald heads and piercings . I felt like I was one of the pilgrims having the first thanksgiving with the ( politically correct alert ) indiginous people of America . And I was especially pleased when they all politely bowed their heads for a prayer before we started . I think back and realize that there is something sacred about eating with others . I realize why the early church did so much eating together . We laughed , watched football on the tele , talked about other thanksgivings . You see we were all seperated from our family , so we became one ourselves , and it was an awesome time . I have many wonderful thanksgiving memories , but that one , probably impacted my life more than the others . I have since tried to always honor the memory of the Black Hole Thanksgiving , by inviting others to share our table . the rev There were two brothers among my brothers friends . They were an interesting pair . The youngest was one of those characters that you usually only see in the movies . He was young , charismatic , and very good looking . I know this is hard to believe , but he actually looked better with his black and white mohawk . Everywhere he went the girls all looked at him . Even the non punk rock girls , well , especially the non punk girls . He was the dream man , beautiful , and really bad . Their parents would hate him . The older brother was a good guy . Would get very paranoid when he was up too many days . And , well he was a bit jealous of his little brother . They both boxed when they were younger , and the younger was even the better boxer . It seemed to be very hard to live in his little brothers shadow , and he had a bit of anger over the whole thing . They both had a lot of anger over some other stuff too . See mom and dad went to a pentecostal church . And when these two would misbehave , as teenagers often do , their parents would take them to church and the elders would cast demons out of them . They preached a fire and brimstone version of pentecostal holiness at their church , and these boys bore the brunt of it . They didn 't care much for the church , but did seem to understand me , a bit . One time when the oldest had been up for about twelve days he went a little crazy . He had turned over the couch in the living room , and was hiding behind it with a pellet gun . He was screaming and shooting at anyone who tried to come in the housse . We didn 't know what to do , but eventually he ran into the bedroom and locked the door . He fell asleep for a few days and life returned to normal . Another time we were talking in the living room and I saw the older brother standing at the door watching his little brother . He seemed to be muttering to himself and getting angrier and angrier . The younger brother didn 't notice him . But all of a sudden the first born starts running across the room and at full run punches mohawk boy right in the face as hard as he coulPosted by Funny how people will do anything to get around the call of Jesus to sacrifice . They bend and twist and turn , first they are literalists , then they are not . They say , the bible says what it means and means what it says . Then they explain away everything that requires them to actually leave the place of comfort , and security and venture off into the crazy world of the Spirit . It 's like trying to get someone out of the spa , when its zero degrees outside . Well I must be honest , I am not the best at this myself . I try . I have sold most of what I owned and tried to follow , but I still like a bit of security . I want to still have a glass of wine that comes from a bottle once and a while . But atleast I am trying . Funny , the more I actually give up , the more I realise I got more in return . But not like the Copenhagen faith people tell you , I didn 't get more money , I got more joy . More love . More fulfillment . You know , the stuff that doesn 't really pay the rent . Jesus preached a downwardly mobile kingdom , where the greatest is the servant of all . And He actually left all and showed us what true sacrifice and humility means . We have in turn tried to create Jesus Claus who gives you everything you want if you are good enough , have enough faith , or plant enough seed . Well guess I will just end my hypocritical rant and put my bags in the mercedes so I can go to class . Oh , just incase you were wondering its twenty five years old , was loaned to us to use while we are here , and needs a bit of work . the rev I remember when I was twenty , my parents had moved up to Sacramento and I was living with two of my younger brothers in a two bedroom apartment . I had been a follower of Jesus for about a year and a half . My brothers friends were a ragged bunch of punk rockers . They had nick names like Fingers . They were probably not the best group of friends my brothers could have chosen . They lived in the basement of an abandoned house , sold and took drugs , and stole things to pay for it . At the time I didn 't realize that Jesus didn 't actually mean the things he said , and figured if they needed a place to stay , and I had a place to stay it was calling to offer them a place to stay . So now it was my two brothers , four of their friends , and myself , in a two bedroom apartment . They knew I was a Christian , they knew that was why I let them come live with us , and they tried their best to keep most of their truly immoral and illegal activities out of my eye sight . But let me tell you , the apartment . . . Well it didn 't smell too good . It was constantly a mess . There was always loud music , and loud people over . And to tell you the truth I did love it . I was quite fond of these punks , I was one when I was younger , and Jesus hadn 't completely taken the rebeliousness out of me yet . ( still hasn 't actually , I am glad to say ) Well this is a long story , and I hope you will stay with me through it all , but I thought I might start by describing the place to you . When you walked in the door there was a semi large room which held our couch , our tv and our stereo . At the back of it there was a bar that seperated the lounge room from the kitchen , and off to the side of the kitchen was a dining area where we had our table and chairs . On the stove in the kitchen was a giant pot of grease , that we would occasionally replace . There was a basket that went in the grease . And the walls all had a nice slippery coating of said grease . Our refridgerator was full of chips , frozen burritos , tater tots , fish sticks and anything else you could cook in a pot of greasePosted by I say this understanding that I may offend certain people and anger others , but I still think I need to say it . John Smith is an amazing guy . He is a hero to many within the Australian church , and well should be . From all I have heard of the guy , he seems worthy of the title legend . However , at the FORGE national summit , I had a bit of a problem with the address he gave . Let me first say that his address was perhaps one of the most inspirational , and well received of the weekend . I think I heard more comments about how moved they were by his message than any other message . This actually makes me a bit sad . Not sad that they like him , but sad that I missed it . Being involved with the planning and running of the conference I had much to do , and was forced to listen to John from the foyer , and watch on the big screen . After listening to the first thirty minutes , I simply found other things to keep me busy . If I was in the main hall I would not have walked out , but since my leaving would not upset anyone , I did leave . Why ? Well for the first thirty minutes every other sentence was a critique on George Bush , or the American military . Those that know me well , might be laughing as they read this , as they know , I have no great love for the president , nor the current hostilities around the world . And in truth I agreed with just about everything John said . My issue was not with the content , but the purpose of the message . I have talked to other Americans there , and all three of them were a bit embarassed and offended . Again , I understand that offending people is par for the course if you are going to " tell the truth " , but what was the purpose of this part of the message ? There was nothing for anyone in that room to do about it ! They could not vote George W out of office , they could not organize a march on the capital , they could not even call their local congresman . This message was spoken with no possible recourse . I believe this was inappropriate . The prophets of our day must stand , and take a hard line against the corruptionPosted by |
So far , I have no words to describe what this is . I don 't know yet , myself . WAIT ! Yes , I DO know ! This is my blog ! ! : ) I really like to cook . What makes it even better is when people I love like to EAT what I cook . I heard from a counselor one time that food does not equal love . Um - hmm . I think that 's when I stopped believing him . Okay , maybe it shouldn 't equal love , but for me , as for many of you , it surely does ! Kind of unfortunately for me , I live in a rapidly shrinking household . Once the fall semester begins , my husband and I will officially be " empty - nesters " . Our four children have gradually been leaving us to head off to college , and the two of us really don 't eat all that much . Even with our youngest daughter Rachel still at home , we don 't eat all that much . She has a very small appetite to go with her petite body , and while my husband has a large appetite , it is not always for the things I like to make . He goes for the low - fat , low - sugar , low - taste type of food , while I like to make good old fashioned FOOD ! So , a lot of my enthusiasm for cooking lavish meals is wasted . Until Michelle comes home for the summer . Michelle is a VERY enthusiastic eater . She is great to cook for , because almost everything I make , she can 't wait to eat ( unless it has mushrooms or clams in it ) . It makes it SOOO much fun to cook for someone who actually roars and attacks their food as if it is prey and they are a large and hungry dinosaur ! Michelle is working two jobs so that she can return to college in the fall . When Michelle gets home from her first job , which is very physical , she is hungry . However , she has been rushing off to her second job so quickly that she hardly has a chance to eat dinner ( just something scarfed down in the car ) and has been very hungry later on . What makes it worse for her is that at night she is a server at a popular restaurant chain that serves breakfast 24 - hours a day - - I HOPe you can figure out where I 'm talking about ! She has a particular favorite on the menu , and whenever someone orders it , she has confessed that she sometimes fantasizes about eating it on the way to their table . Thus far she has refrained , as she realizes this is not a good tip - getting practice and she likes to get good tips . She told me that last night she was ravenous , and a customer noticed her looking longingly at her food and commented on it . So , tonight while Michelle was in the shower cleaning off her cotton - field dirt from her day job , I decided to make Chocolate Chocolate - Chip Pancakes for her . She was so excited ! This is only the second time we have attempted this recipe , and since I have not actually eaten the restaurant version I don 't know if they are the same , but Michelle tells me they are similar . She ate four , along with four pieces of bacon ( nice to have a 20 - year - old metabolism , huh ? ) and should be able to look at any plate of food with detachment for the rest of the night ! In medium bowl , combine flour , cocoa , sugar , baking soda and salt . Add milk , egg , and oil . Whisk until well blended . Stir in chocolate chips . The batter may be slightly lumpy ( and not just from the chocolate chips ! ) . Heat griddle to medium - high . Once hot , pour about 1 / 4 cup of batter per pancake on griddle . Flip once batter is set around edges . Cook until baked through . Immediately after pancakes are cooked , sprinkle chocolate chips so they start to melt , then sprinkle with powdered sugar , top with whipped cream , and drizzle with chocolate syrup . Makes about 8 4 - inch pancakes . * Similar to IHOP Chocolate Chip Pancakes Warning : This dish is not suitable for diabetics , dieters , or most adults ! Eating too many can result in fatal levels of satisfaction and fullness . The faint of heart may not survive . Funny ( but true ! ) side story : One of Michelle 's customers of the young , male variety ordered these pancakes as well as a large omelet . He was with three friends , also guys , and when Michelle came around to see if any of them needed take - home boxes , he said he might need one for his pancakes - - he was getting pretty full . Both Michelle and one of his so - called friends called him a pansy , with Michelle asserting that she could eat them , and insinuating that his manhood was in question . The poor guy managed to choke them down , Michelle granted that he was indeed a man , and the four of them left her a great tip ! : ) One of my first memories is being with my mom . She tells me this happened when I was three , and it 's a little vague . I remember we went out on the porch to eat tacos , and I thought it was the coolest thing ever ! It 's funny , because the " porch " was one of those that is a concrete slab just big enough for the screen door to open out on to , with maybe three steps leading up to it . We put a TV tray out there and ate . Fun times ! Another memory comes from that same time period . My mom was taking me to preschool , and I was all excited because I had new slippers for nap time . I had the old ones on one side of me on the seat and the new ones on the other side . I remember that I was demanding that my mom look at my slippers on the seat next to me , and then suddenly we were being pulled over by a policeman . Sometime later I remember sitting and coloring in a courtroom next to my mother . It wasn 't until I was an adult that I found out that it wasn 't my fault that my mom got pulled over ! I had thought that I distracted her with my slippers . Turns out , the car she had bought from someone was stolen ( she didn 't know ! ) , and the policeman behind her had recognized it or something . Funny how children blame themselves for things ! Another car memory : I was sitting in the front seat ( no car seats back then ! ) and I remember that I loved to sit up front with my mother . I couldn 't see out , I was too small . The dashboard seemed so high and the glove box was at eye level for me . My mom and I were coming home from somewhere , and were close to home . She turned a corner , and my door swung open ! I fell out ! ( No seatbelt laws then , either ! ) Of course , my mother stopped and ran back and picked me up . I was fine , just a little scraped on the elbow , but there were no band - aids in the car , which I thought was too bad . The worst part of it , for me , was that I had to sit in the back seat after that , because that door stayed shut ! I think it was far worse for my mother , really . When I was five I began to live with my dad and step - mom . One of the neat things about where we lived for a while was the lemon tree in the back yard ( this was in California ) . I loved that lemon tree ! For one thing , sometimes my mama would let me pick a lemon and she would cut it in half and give me a bowl with a little sugar in the bottom and I would dip the lemon in the sugar and suck all the juice out . Mmm ! I still love lemonade . . . . Another great thing about the lemon tree was the slugs . Great huge fat ones lived in it , and I would find them and play with them . I liked to make grass houses and decorate them with flowers and put the slugs in them . Too bad the slugs did not appreciate my efforts ! And it 's also too bad that we have to grow up . There is no way you would catch me playing with slugs these days , but back then an afternoon with the slugs was always loads of fun ! ! The summer I was six , I managed to break my arm . I was playing with some friends and one of the boys had caps for a cap gun . We were pounding them with rocks to make them go off while sitting on a low wall . Once in a while , Randy , the lucky cap owner , would let me bang on one . He dropped a roll and I decided to jump down and be all helpful and get them for him ( maybe he would let me have some more ! ) but I neglected to remember that I was kneeling and one cannot jump well from that position . I launched myself into space after the caps ( it was only about three feet up from the ground ) and landed face first , and with my arm under me . My mama heard the shriek from inside and came running out . I remember that it was hard to get her to understand that it was not my face that hurt , even though it was pretty scratched up , but my arm . Finally she understood and we went to the hospital . When we came home , I was the proud owner of a cast . With the cast and my scratched up face and my missing teeth ( NOT a result of jumping off the wall - - I was just six ) I looked like a real troublemaker ! The best thing about it was my mama felt so bad she let me eat a whole can of Spaghettios instead of half a can - - which I could not finish , being only six ! I spent the summer keeping my cast out of water , which was really not fun , and got it off the first day of first grade , in the morning , so I was late for school . But I was sure happy to get that cast off ! ( That 's me on the first day of first grade , in the picture on the right , with my cast kind of hidden ! ) I had a really odd dream recently . I was with a girl who had just discovered she had awesome super powers , but who was really stupid . She could morph into a bird - like creature and fly , and also a sort of a dolphin . Some bad guys were after her , though , and I was trying to protect her . She kept leaping into the air and soaring around , or diving into the water to be a dolphin , laughing and squealing in a carefree manner , heedless of the danger that I felt lurking everywhere , and I was very nervous . Plus I had to go to prom . And I was going with a guy who was insisting on wearing a dress , so I was quite disturbed about that . I didn 't even like the guy ! My dream ended with me getting my prom dress off of a long rack of dresses ( it was a deep blue dress , and quite pretty ! ) and worrying about both the silly blonde girl and my date . Where do dreams like this come from ? It has been a very long time since I went to prom , and I don 't actually know anyone who can fly like a bird or swim like a dolphin . I mean , I don 't think I am a disturbed person in my waking life , just in my dreams ! When I was pregnant with my second child , I dreamed that I went to see my midwife for a check - up . She removed the baby ( it HURT ! ) , examined her , said , " Nope , not done yet " , and put her back in . I was crushed . She did end up arriving two weeks late , so maybe it was a sign ! Another set of bad dreams I had as a child were actually recurring nightmares . Have you ever had those ? I don 't recommend it ! In one , I was in the very back of our family 's teal Volkswagen Beetle ( we called that spot the " way - back " and I LOVED to ride back there - - this was before seatbelt laws ) . My mom and dad were in the front seats , and my dad was driving somewhere . We went up a LOOOOONG grassy hill , and they stopped at the house at the top . I was asleep ( yet totally aware ) , and so they got out and left me sleeping in the way - back . The car started rolling backwards down the hill , going faster and faster , and there was nothing I could do . That 's when I would wake up . Another nightmare was very strange . I was in the woods with my mom . We got to the edge of a large , newly paved area that was totally surrounded by trees , and she had to send me across to my dad , who was waiting on the other side . She put me on a magic carpet , which started flying me across the new asphalt , but only about a foot above the pavement . The problem was , there were tar sharks swimming in the asphalt , and they were trying to get me . Yes , TAR SHARKS ! I was rightfully terrified , with those tar sharks leaping and snapping and trying to eat me . Fortunately , I finally made it to the other side , although just barely . The magic carpet ran out of steam just about a foot past the paving and as I ran to my daddy , one lunged out of the tar onto shore , snapping at my heels . I was in the house where my family lived , and there was a witch who was coming to get me . My daddy and mama hid me in the way - back of the car ( see how important it was to me ? ) and covered me with a blanket . The witch didn 't find me that night , but later I was walking by her house , and fell into the drainage ditch that ran in front of it . I was swept down into a little room that was full of other children who had gotten caught there . It was a stark , square , white room , and there were probably around ten children in it . A couple of children were dead , and most were in an extreme state of emaciation . As I realized that there was no way out , I would wake up . On to other disturbing topics : Here is a picture of me in the protective gear that I SHOULD have worn for my lawn - mowing escapades last week . I tried to get my husband to pose , but he 's not into public humiliation . Anyway , I look pretty hot , right ? So , an amazing thing happened this weekend , one that hardly ever happens . My husband was out of town and both daughters ( the ones who are home for the summer ) were at work , so I had a Friday night by myself ! I did what any woman on her own would do . . . At first , everything went fine . I was making neat diagonal lines on our lawn out front , the mower was working well , and it was not unreasonably hot . However , I utilize the plod and trudge method of mowing , which takes a long time . I plod behind the mower for a few turns of the lawn , and then I disconnect the grass bagger and trudge over to the edge of the yard and dump it out . This is in contrast to my husband 's method , which is the sprinting method . He RUNS behind the mower , getting both his exercise and the chores done at the same time . One consequence is that he finishes in about 45 minutes and it takes me at least two hours . I would like to point out here that I go as fast as I can . It 's just that I am a less - than - svelte middle - aged woman , while my husband is in very good shape . He bicycles to work every day , and is the neighborhood champion at juggling a soccer ball . ( He can juggle the ball over 1000 times without missing ! ) Anyway , so my point is , it takes me a while . I had started in the evening , reasoning that the sun would not be so hot . I was right , since the sun went down when I had only done about a third of the lawn ! No problem , right ? My husband has this great headlamp that he wears while mowing in the dark , and it seems to work well for him , so I found the headlamp and went out to fearlessly finish conquering the lawn . Yeah , okay , I could see a little . There was a pale circle of light on the ground , and if I leaned forward I could kind of tell where I had last mowed . Still , it was not good . Things got trickier when I was on the side of the house , where there is not much grass because the trees block the sun . It had been a while since the last rain , and the ground was very dry . So it was dusty . Every time I mowed on that side , the dust was fairly overwhelming . It got really bad in one area , with dust so thick that I could not even see my little , pale , circle of light on the ground . It was like when it is very foggy and you turn on your high beams in the car . Yeah . It was like that . Only , I was not safely inside a car ! It finally dawned on me that there was WAY too much dust , so I turned off the mower and peered down at the bagger . Some of you more experienced people have already figured out what I saw . The bagger was only connected on one side , so the mower was mowing up dust and blowing it directly on ME ! Well . I fixed it , and things were much less dusty . Then I started noticing that the ground was sparkle - y . I could think of three explanations for this . My husband doesn 't seem to have these problems . He runs along , looking all cool in his head lamp and his hearing protection and his safety glasses . I probably looked pretty cool , too . Imagine a hunched over Pigpen , with a dust cloud flying around me . I know I must have been hunched over by how sore my shoulders were the next morning . Funny side story : One thing I never do anymore , is mow barefoot . I actually only did it once . Yes , I know I 'm supposed to wear shoes , but I have found a more compelling reason than safety ! One evening I was mowing as it was getting dark ( again ) , but I was nearly finished . I don 't like wearing shoes much in the summer , so I was mowing barefoot . Nearing the end of the job , I started going quickly so as to finish before it got too dark . As I walked very fast , not quite jogging , I mowed over a toad and then stepped on it . Really . It was terrible . Anyway , back to Friday . It got too dark . I realized I was probably mowing the same spot over and over again while missing other spots , so I went in . It had only been about an hour , but I was filthy , sweaty , and sore . The next day , I finished mowing . Since I was in the back yard and I was getting bored , I abandoned the mature , back and forth method and resorted to making designs in the grass . Not crazy designs , just squares , triangles , rectangles - - that kind of thing . It is very satisfying when mowing a large yard to finish small areas ! So , after a little more than another hour , I finished the last triangle ( yay ! ) and trudged to the edge of the yard to dump the final load of grass , put the mower away , and went inside . I got a drink of water and was thinking that maybe I should turn on the sprinklers when there was a roll of thunder . It had been sunny , but within five minutes of coming in , rain was absolutely pouring down . It was amazing ! I was sooo happy . I had mowed the lawn AND it was thoroughly watered ! Not trimmed , which is too bad because my husband really likes it trimmed , but I don 't trim . I have tried , but I don 't get along with the trimmer . The parts I trim just look like they need to be trimmed again , and I get frustrated . I figured he wouldn 't like coming home to ragged borders and an angry wife ! Kind of ruin the whole point , right ? I have been reading a few blogs lately , and enjoy it immensely , so I thought I would jump into the already overcrowded blog pool . Actually , it 's more like I am sticking my big toe in , to test the water , before I get totally wet . I might even wait a few days before clicking on the ominous " PUBLISH POST " button at the bottom of the page , so I can see if I will actually write more than one entry . I started following one blog , and it turned out to be the day the author stopped writing it . Figures . I have saved the link to that blog in my bookmarks toolbar , and click on it every once in a while , and it has not been updated for over two months . If I find that I have the same tendency , I think I will save us all a little frustration by just keeping this experiment to myself . How does one pick a name for their blog ? People seem to be able to come up with some nifty , imaginative names for their blogs . I might change this one . For one thing , it sounds a lot like the title that my daughter chose for her blog , and I don 't want her to think I have no imagination at all . However , I do have a good reason for picking this title . Like many young people , I began college directly after high school . At the beginning of my second semester , I met and fell in love with another student . We were married three days after the last final of my freshman year , and are living happily ever after . Okay , my story does go on after the wedding . To our delight ( and a little bit of surprise ! ) , I became pregnant three weeks after we were married . I attended one more semester of college , but did not feel like I could continue school and be a full - time mother , so I dropped out . Time passed and more babies were born , until we had four young children . After being subject more than once to the dreaded ( and RUDE ! ) query , " So , what do you DO all day ? " , I determined that I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree , so at least I would no longer be a college drop - out . Accordingly , the day our youngest began attending kindergarten , I started going to classes . I declared my major to be English , and really enjoyed the experience . I went part time , since I was also a full - time mother , and it took me nine ( yes , 9 ! ) years to complete my degree . During that time , I was often asked what I was going to do after graduation . I had no idea . It was suggested that I could teach . Hmmm , I suppose so . . . . I could get a Master 's Degree . . . . Hmmm . . . . I could go into business . . . . I decided what I REALLY wanted to do was to be the Sign Police in our town . You know , the person who gets to go around and correct the public signs that contain misspellings or bad grammar ? The problem is , as far as I can tell , no one is willing to pay for this kind of service . I have tried it in a very small way , on a volunteer basis , but the reception I have received was underwhelming . I mostly get puzzled looks , and the signs are never corrected . I tried this once when my husband and I went out for dinner at a fast food place . This is a rare occurrence for us , and usually a cause for much rejoicing , but in this case my pleasure was dimmed by the fact that the sign outside was advertising a " Smashed Potatoe . " I mentioned to the person who took our order that potato was misspelled , and received a blank look in response . The sign stayed that way for at least another week , until a new special was advertised . I contemplated driving a different way to avoid that restaurant , but it is right next to the store that I shop at the most . Another sign that drove me crazy was on the way to my children 's school . It was painted on the windows of a furniture store , and advertised their end of the year " clerance " sale in letters at least four feet high . I had to pass this store four times a day , and the sign was up for MONTHS . I wished I had the authority to arrest someone for murdering words - - or at least make them fix it ! I fantasized about it ! Sometimes there are glimmers of hope . I live in the South , in a state that is often maligned for its low level of education , but on a recent trip to a western state I noticed several highway signs that advised drivers to " Drive Safe . " Back in our home state , I was pleased to note the same type of sign admonishing us to " Drive Safely . " While I have been dithering about my true calling in life , it looks like someone else is already doing something about America 's grammar problem : |
So far , I have no words to describe what this is . I don 't know yet , myself . WAIT ! Yes , I DO know ! This is my blog ! ! : ) I really like to cook . What makes it even better is when people I love like to EAT what I cook . I heard from a counselor one time that food does not equal love . Um - hmm . I think that 's when I stopped believing him . Okay , maybe it shouldn 't equal love , but for me , as for many of you , it surely does ! Kind of unfortunately for me , I live in a rapidly shrinking household . Once the fall semester begins , my husband and I will officially be " empty - nesters " . Our four children have gradually been leaving us to head off to college , and the two of us really don 't eat all that much . Even with our youngest daughter Rachel still at home , we don 't eat all that much . She has a very small appetite to go with her petite body , and while my husband has a large appetite , it is not always for the things I like to make . He goes for the low - fat , low - sugar , low - taste type of food , while I like to make good old fashioned FOOD ! So , a lot of my enthusiasm for cooking lavish meals is wasted . Until Michelle comes home for the summer . Michelle is a VERY enthusiastic eater . She is great to cook for , because almost everything I make , she can 't wait to eat ( unless it has mushrooms or clams in it ) . It makes it SOOO much fun to cook for someone who actually roars and attacks their food as if it is prey and they are a large and hungry dinosaur ! Michelle is working two jobs so that she can return to college in the fall . When Michelle gets home from her first job , which is very physical , she is hungry . However , she has been rushing off to her second job so quickly that she hardly has a chance to eat dinner ( just something scarfed down in the car ) and has been very hungry later on . What makes it worse for her is that at night she is a server at a popular restaurant chain that serves breakfast 24 - hours a day - - I HOPe you can figure out where I 'm talking about ! She has a particular favorite on the menu , and whenever someone orders it , she has confessed that she sometimes fantasizes about eating it on the way to their table . Thus far she has refrained , as she realizes this is not a good tip - getting practice and she likes to get good tips . She told me that last night she was ravenous , and a customer noticed her looking longingly at her food and commented on it . So , tonight while Michelle was in the shower cleaning off her cotton - field dirt from her day job , I decided to make Chocolate Chocolate - Chip Pancakes for her . She was so excited ! This is only the second time we have attempted this recipe , and since I have not actually eaten the restaurant version I don 't know if they are the same , but Michelle tells me they are similar . She ate four , along with four pieces of bacon ( nice to have a 20 - year - old metabolism , huh ? ) and should be able to look at any plate of food with detachment for the rest of the night ! In medium bowl , combine flour , cocoa , sugar , baking soda and salt . Add milk , egg , and oil . Whisk until well blended . Stir in chocolate chips . The batter may be slightly lumpy ( and not just from the chocolate chips ! ) . Heat griddle to medium - high . Once hot , pour about 1 / 4 cup of batter per pancake on griddle . Flip once batter is set around edges . Cook until baked through . Immediately after pancakes are cooked , sprinkle chocolate chips so they start to melt , then sprinkle with powdered sugar , top with whipped cream , and drizzle with chocolate syrup . Makes about 8 4 - inch pancakes . * Similar to IHOP Chocolate Chip Pancakes Warning : This dish is not suitable for diabetics , dieters , or most adults ! Eating too many can result in fatal levels of satisfaction and fullness . The faint of heart may not survive . Funny ( but true ! ) side story : One of Michelle 's customers of the young , male variety ordered these pancakes as well as a large omelet . He was with three friends , also guys , and when Michelle came around to see if any of them needed take - home boxes , he said he might need one for his pancakes - - he was getting pretty full . Both Michelle and one of his so - called friends called him a pansy , with Michelle asserting that she could eat them , and insinuating that his manhood was in question . The poor guy managed to choke them down , Michelle granted that he was indeed a man , and the four of them left her a great tip ! : ) One of my first memories is being with my mom . She tells me this happened when I was three , and it 's a little vague . I remember we went out on the porch to eat tacos , and I thought it was the coolest thing ever ! It 's funny , because the " porch " was one of those that is a concrete slab just big enough for the screen door to open out on to , with maybe three steps leading up to it . We put a TV tray out there and ate . Fun times ! Another memory comes from that same time period . My mom was taking me to preschool , and I was all excited because I had new slippers for nap time . I had the old ones on one side of me on the seat and the new ones on the other side . I remember that I was demanding that my mom look at my slippers on the seat next to me , and then suddenly we were being pulled over by a policeman . Sometime later I remember sitting and coloring in a courtroom next to my mother . It wasn 't until I was an adult that I found out that it wasn 't my fault that my mom got pulled over ! I had thought that I distracted her with my slippers . Turns out , the car she had bought from someone was stolen ( she didn 't know ! ) , and the policeman behind her had recognized it or something . Funny how children blame themselves for things ! Another car memory : I was sitting in the front seat ( no car seats back then ! ) and I remember that I loved to sit up front with my mother . I couldn 't see out , I was too small . The dashboard seemed so high and the glove box was at eye level for me . My mom and I were coming home from somewhere , and were close to home . She turned a corner , and my door swung open ! I fell out ! ( No seatbelt laws then , either ! ) Of course , my mother stopped and ran back and picked me up . I was fine , just a little scraped on the elbow , but there were no band - aids in the car , which I thought was too bad . The worst part of it , for me , was that I had to sit in the back seat after that , because that door stayed shut ! I think it was far worse for my mother , really . When I was five I began to live with my dad and step - mom . One of the neat things about where we lived for a while was the lemon tree in the back yard ( this was in California ) . I loved that lemon tree ! For one thing , sometimes my mama would let me pick a lemon and she would cut it in half and give me a bowl with a little sugar in the bottom and I would dip the lemon in the sugar and suck all the juice out . Mmm ! I still love lemonade . . . . Another great thing about the lemon tree was the slugs . Great huge fat ones lived in it , and I would find them and play with them . I liked to make grass houses and decorate them with flowers and put the slugs in them . Too bad the slugs did not appreciate my efforts ! And it 's also too bad that we have to grow up . There is no way you would catch me playing with slugs these days , but back then an afternoon with the slugs was always loads of fun ! ! The summer I was six , I managed to break my arm . I was playing with some friends and one of the boys had caps for a cap gun . We were pounding them with rocks to make them go off while sitting on a low wall . Once in a while , Randy , the lucky cap owner , would let me bang on one . He dropped a roll and I decided to jump down and be all helpful and get them for him ( maybe he would let me have some more ! ) but I neglected to remember that I was kneeling and one cannot jump well from that position . I launched myself into space after the caps ( it was only about three feet up from the ground ) and landed face first , and with my arm under me . My mama heard the shriek from inside and came running out . I remember that it was hard to get her to understand that it was not my face that hurt , even though it was pretty scratched up , but my arm . Finally she understood and we went to the hospital . When we came home , I was the proud owner of a cast . With the cast and my scratched up face and my missing teeth ( NOT a result of jumping off the wall - - I was just six ) I looked like a real troublemaker ! The best thing about it was my mama felt so bad she let me eat a whole can of Spaghettios instead of half a can - - which I could not finish , being only six ! I spent the summer keeping my cast out of water , which was really not fun , and got it off the first day of first grade , in the morning , so I was late for school . But I was sure happy to get that cast off ! ( That 's me on the first day of first grade , in the picture on the right , with my cast kind of hidden ! ) I had a really odd dream recently . I was with a girl who had just discovered she had awesome super powers , but who was really stupid . She could morph into a bird - like creature and fly , and also a sort of a dolphin . Some bad guys were after her , though , and I was trying to protect her . She kept leaping into the air and soaring around , or diving into the water to be a dolphin , laughing and squealing in a carefree manner , heedless of the danger that I felt lurking everywhere , and I was very nervous . Plus I had to go to prom . And I was going with a guy who was insisting on wearing a dress , so I was quite disturbed about that . I didn 't even like the guy ! My dream ended with me getting my prom dress off of a long rack of dresses ( it was a deep blue dress , and quite pretty ! ) and worrying about both the silly blonde girl and my date . Where do dreams like this come from ? It has been a very long time since I went to prom , and I don 't actually know anyone who can fly like a bird or swim like a dolphin . I mean , I don 't think I am a disturbed person in my waking life , just in my dreams ! When I was pregnant with my second child , I dreamed that I went to see my midwife for a check - up . She removed the baby ( it HURT ! ) , examined her , said , " Nope , not done yet " , and put her back in . I was crushed . She did end up arriving two weeks late , so maybe it was a sign ! Another set of bad dreams I had as a child were actually recurring nightmares . Have you ever had those ? I don 't recommend it ! In one , I was in the very back of our family 's teal Volkswagen Beetle ( we called that spot the " way - back " and I LOVED to ride back there - - this was before seatbelt laws ) . My mom and dad were in the front seats , and my dad was driving somewhere . We went up a LOOOOONG grassy hill , and they stopped at the house at the top . I was asleep ( yet totally aware ) , and so they got out and left me sleeping in the way - back . The car started rolling backwards down the hill , going faster and faster , and there was nothing I could do . That 's when I would wake up . Another nightmare was very strange . I was in the woods with my mom . We got to the edge of a large , newly paved area that was totally surrounded by trees , and she had to send me across to my dad , who was waiting on the other side . She put me on a magic carpet , which started flying me across the new asphalt , but only about a foot above the pavement . The problem was , there were tar sharks swimming in the asphalt , and they were trying to get me . Yes , TAR SHARKS ! I was rightfully terrified , with those tar sharks leaping and snapping and trying to eat me . Fortunately , I finally made it to the other side , although just barely . The magic carpet ran out of steam just about a foot past the paving and as I ran to my daddy , one lunged out of the tar onto shore , snapping at my heels . I was in the house where my family lived , and there was a witch who was coming to get me . My daddy and mama hid me in the way - back of the car ( see how important it was to me ? ) and covered me with a blanket . The witch didn 't find me that night , but later I was walking by her house , and fell into the drainage ditch that ran in front of it . I was swept down into a little room that was full of other children who had gotten caught there . It was a stark , square , white room , and there were probably around ten children in it . A couple of children were dead , and most were in an extreme state of emaciation . As I realized that there was no way out , I would wake up . On to other disturbing topics : Here is a picture of me in the protective gear that I SHOULD have worn for my lawn - mowing escapades last week . I tried to get my husband to pose , but he 's not into public humiliation . Anyway , I look pretty hot , right ? So , an amazing thing happened this weekend , one that hardly ever happens . My husband was out of town and both daughters ( the ones who are home for the summer ) were at work , so I had a Friday night by myself ! I did what any woman on her own would do . . . At first , everything went fine . I was making neat diagonal lines on our lawn out front , the mower was working well , and it was not unreasonably hot . However , I utilize the plod and trudge method of mowing , which takes a long time . I plod behind the mower for a few turns of the lawn , and then I disconnect the grass bagger and trudge over to the edge of the yard and dump it out . This is in contrast to my husband 's method , which is the sprinting method . He RUNS behind the mower , getting both his exercise and the chores done at the same time . One consequence is that he finishes in about 45 minutes and it takes me at least two hours . I would like to point out here that I go as fast as I can . It 's just that I am a less - than - svelte middle - aged woman , while my husband is in very good shape . He bicycles to work every day , and is the neighborhood champion at juggling a soccer ball . ( He can juggle the ball over 1000 times without missing ! ) Anyway , so my point is , it takes me a while . I had started in the evening , reasoning that the sun would not be so hot . I was right , since the sun went down when I had only done about a third of the lawn ! No problem , right ? My husband has this great headlamp that he wears while mowing in the dark , and it seems to work well for him , so I found the headlamp and went out to fearlessly finish conquering the lawn . Yeah , okay , I could see a little . There was a pale circle of light on the ground , and if I leaned forward I could kind of tell where I had last mowed . Still , it was not good . Things got trickier when I was on the side of the house , where there is not much grass because the trees block the sun . It had been a while since the last rain , and the ground was very dry . So it was dusty . Every time I mowed on that side , the dust was fairly overwhelming . It got really bad in one area , with dust so thick that I could not even see my little , pale , circle of light on the ground . It was like when it is very foggy and you turn on your high beams in the car . Yeah . It was like that . Only , I was not safely inside a car ! It finally dawned on me that there was WAY too much dust , so I turned off the mower and peered down at the bagger . Some of you more experienced people have already figured out what I saw . The bagger was only connected on one side , so the mower was mowing up dust and blowing it directly on ME ! Well . I fixed it , and things were much less dusty . Then I started noticing that the ground was sparkle - y . I could think of three explanations for this . My husband doesn 't seem to have these problems . He runs along , looking all cool in his head lamp and his hearing protection and his safety glasses . I probably looked pretty cool , too . Imagine a hunched over Pigpen , with a dust cloud flying around me . I know I must have been hunched over by how sore my shoulders were the next morning . Funny side story : One thing I never do anymore , is mow barefoot . I actually only did it once . Yes , I know I 'm supposed to wear shoes , but I have found a more compelling reason than safety ! One evening I was mowing as it was getting dark ( again ) , but I was nearly finished . I don 't like wearing shoes much in the summer , so I was mowing barefoot . Nearing the end of the job , I started going quickly so as to finish before it got too dark . As I walked very fast , not quite jogging , I mowed over a toad and then stepped on it . Really . It was terrible . Anyway , back to Friday . It got too dark . I realized I was probably mowing the same spot over and over again while missing other spots , so I went in . It had only been about an hour , but I was filthy , sweaty , and sore . The next day , I finished mowing . Since I was in the back yard and I was getting bored , I abandoned the mature , back and forth method and resorted to making designs in the grass . Not crazy designs , just squares , triangles , rectangles - - that kind of thing . It is very satisfying when mowing a large yard to finish small areas ! So , after a little more than another hour , I finished the last triangle ( yay ! ) and trudged to the edge of the yard to dump the final load of grass , put the mower away , and went inside . I got a drink of water and was thinking that maybe I should turn on the sprinklers when there was a roll of thunder . It had been sunny , but within five minutes of coming in , rain was absolutely pouring down . It was amazing ! I was sooo happy . I had mowed the lawn AND it was thoroughly watered ! Not trimmed , which is too bad because my husband really likes it trimmed , but I don 't trim . I have tried , but I don 't get along with the trimmer . The parts I trim just look like they need to be trimmed again , and I get frustrated . I figured he wouldn 't like coming home to ragged borders and an angry wife ! Kind of ruin the whole point , right ? I have been reading a few blogs lately , and enjoy it immensely , so I thought I would jump into the already overcrowded blog pool . Actually , it 's more like I am sticking my big toe in , to test the water , before I get totally wet . I might even wait a few days before clicking on the ominous " PUBLISH POST " button at the bottom of the page , so I can see if I will actually write more than one entry . I started following one blog , and it turned out to be the day the author stopped writing it . Figures . I have saved the link to that blog in my bookmarks toolbar , and click on it every once in a while , and it has not been updated for over two months . If I find that I have the same tendency , I think I will save us all a little frustration by just keeping this experiment to myself . How does one pick a name for their blog ? People seem to be able to come up with some nifty , imaginative names for their blogs . I might change this one . For one thing , it sounds a lot like the title that my daughter chose for her blog , and I don 't want her to think I have no imagination at all . However , I do have a good reason for picking this title . Like many young people , I began college directly after high school . At the beginning of my second semester , I met and fell in love with another student . We were married three days after the last final of my freshman year , and are living happily ever after . Okay , my story does go on after the wedding . To our delight ( and a little bit of surprise ! ) , I became pregnant three weeks after we were married . I attended one more semester of college , but did not feel like I could continue school and be a full - time mother , so I dropped out . Time passed and more babies were born , until we had four young children . After being subject more than once to the dreaded ( and RUDE ! ) query , " So , what do you DO all day ? " , I determined that I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree , so at least I would no longer be a college drop - out . Accordingly , the day our youngest began attending kindergarten , I started going to classes . I declared my major to be English , and really enjoyed the experience . I went part time , since I was also a full - time mother , and it took me nine ( yes , 9 ! ) years to complete my degree . During that time , I was often asked what I was going to do after graduation . I had no idea . It was suggested that I could teach . Hmmm , I suppose so . . . . I could get a Master 's Degree . . . . Hmmm . . . . I could go into business . . . . I decided what I REALLY wanted to do was to be the Sign Police in our town . You know , the person who gets to go around and correct the public signs that contain misspellings or bad grammar ? The problem is , as far as I can tell , no one is willing to pay for this kind of service . I have tried it in a very small way , on a volunteer basis , but the reception I have received was underwhelming . I mostly get puzzled looks , and the signs are never corrected . I tried this once when my husband and I went out for dinner at a fast food place . This is a rare occurrence for us , and usually a cause for much rejoicing , but in this case my pleasure was dimmed by the fact that the sign outside was advertising a " Smashed Potatoe . " I mentioned to the person who took our order that potato was misspelled , and received a blank look in response . The sign stayed that way for at least another week , until a new special was advertised . I contemplated driving a different way to avoid that restaurant , but it is right next to the store that I shop at the most . Another sign that drove me crazy was on the way to my children 's school . It was painted on the windows of a furniture store , and advertised their end of the year " clerance " sale in letters at least four feet high . I had to pass this store four times a day , and the sign was up for MONTHS . I wished I had the authority to arrest someone for murdering words - - or at least make them fix it ! I fantasized about it ! Sometimes there are glimmers of hope . I live in the South , in a state that is often maligned for its low level of education , but on a recent trip to a western state I noticed several highway signs that advised drivers to " Drive Safe . " Back in our home state , I was pleased to note the same type of sign admonishing us to " Drive Safely . " While I have been dithering about my true calling in life , it looks like someone else is already doing something about America 's grammar problem : |
blog with her daughter Mara , who , many years ago , was a member of the Davis High Jazz Choir with Tom and David . Or maybe it was with Paul . Anyway , she was a lovely girl and , from following her posts on Facebook and Instagram , she has grown into a lovely woman and mother . Toni also contracted a chronic illness on a trip to Paris in 2001 , just 5 months after the birth of her granddaughter . They assumed it was a virus , but it just never went away . 16 years later she is still sick and the blog was written to answer questions and to share how they have coped with Toni 's illness for all these years . The skies around here are sometime so gorgeous I just have to stop and take it all in . When you add the profusion of blossoms at this time of year , it makes me happy to live in this area . The beauty of nature was enough that I was able to drag my mother out of Atriato go for a drive and out to lunch , and it was a joy to see how much enjoyment she got out of looking at the clouds and the blossoms . While her dementia slowly gets worse and worse , I am grateful that she has not had any major " spells " this month and that she has required no trips to the emergency room . I am also grateful that since we have put her on full assisted living she seems to be more " settled . " We may discuss the same thing over and over again , but she has not had a serious anxiety attack all month and she is spending more time sitting out in the hall outside the dining room , where she seems to recognize some of the people who pass by . I was nervous about having another young person come to live with us , especially someone who is the daughter of a friend and who would come into all of this chaos , but Caroline has proven to be a lovely young lady who has fit in here beautifully . She may go home and talk with her friends about the conditions under which she had to live , but she hasn 't so much as blinked at anything . Additionally , it has been fun having an excuse to go on tourist trips again . I always enjoyed them during our hosting years and it 's nice to have them back again though they are more exhausting than I remember them being 20 + years ago ! For some reason I am sleeping these days . I go to bed around midnight or earlier and , except for the 3 am . waking time , after which I go right back to sleep , I have been sleeping until 7 or so . This is almost NORMAL . Whoda thunk ? I never dreamed that a topical gel could make the difference of night and day to the pain in my back . Unless I forget to apply it 2x / day , it really helps . I told my doctor that it 's not perfect , but it 's about 80 % perfect . I still get occasional back pain , but it is so much less than it has been for years that I can 't believe it . Well , we 've known for several months that Compassion was going to have to close its centers in India and that I would lose my two kids there . It was not a big loss of Venkanna , though he was an excellent letter writer . But Anjali was the first of my sponsored kids and I have been writing to her for 9 years . I have watched her grow from a little girl into a young woman and looked forward to watching her continue her schooling and graduate before her sponsorship ended . Alas , the government of India has put an end to that dream . So India was something I expected . What I did not expect was that Brayan , the boy from Honduras we took on when I read a book about what kids go through trying to escape the terrible conditions in Honduras , would leave the program . I would love to know what happened . They say he just stopped coming . He was one of my best letter writers and alluded several times to the dangerous atmosphere near his home ( his grandmother , with whom he lived , would not let him o outside by himself , for example ) . This was precisely why I wanted to sponsor a boy in Honduras , knowing we could not do anything to improve conditions in the country , but we could perhaps make a difference in the life of one child . Jorleny is a 12 year old girl from Honduras . I had hoped to sponsor another boy , but when I saw her pictures , and saw that she was close to Brianna 's age , I decided to sponsor her . ( She 's in 4th grade ; Brianna is in 3rd . ) But I know that I am in for years of letters that say essentially " I am fine , how are you ? " and thank me for being a sponsor . He will be much older than this before , if ever , he actually writes something substantive . But he is cute . . . And Fred , from the Philippines , was about his age when I started writing to him and he has turned into a nice little letter writer , about five years later . Dilan likes to play soccer , as well as roll a ball and roll a hoop . Since he is Lacie 's age , it will be easier , I guess , to decide how to write to him , since I write to her all the time . He 's in kindergarten , so no idea what his school performance is going to be . As for our current in - house sponsored kid , the steak dinner for Caroline was a big hit last night and word from her mother is that she is enjoying her time here . She is getting ready to attend a fancy dress ball when she returns to Edinburgh , so she shopped on line for a dress here . She modeled two of the choices last night . Both were lovely but we both preferred the red one . Noticing that my mother was out of toilet paper yesterday , I went over today for lunch and to replenish her supply . Also , the spindle holding the roll was gone again . I think that when she finishes a roll and removes it , by the time she has thrown away the roll , she forgets what the spindle is for and throws it away . She seems to be doing OK with putting the TP on the bathroom counter , so there doesn 't seem to be any point to buying a replacement that she will just throw away . I came home and took a nap . I seem to find that after spending an hour or so at Atria , I need a nap to refresh . Then I got up to make chocolate chip cookies . Caroline was not feeling well after her ice cream indulgence of last night , with her friends , so I figured I 'd make something without milk in it for her for dessert tonight . Now I am marinating steak in the chimmichurri sauce her mother sent me the recipe for . It has been so long since I cooked a steak I hope I don 't screw it up ! Caroline reported that it had been a sad day for everyone at the vet hospital yesterday , as there were so many deaths . A cat she had treated several times for congestive heart failure finally died . A " lovely German shepherd " had cancer and died . And she wasn 't alone . She said everyone was having animals with problems that ultimately killed them . But at home there was Polly , who has finally accepted Caroline as an OK person . She still barks some , but it 's more the same bark she has for us : " You 're standing up so certainly you are going to feed me . " She will let Caroline take her into her lap , but she isn 't comfortable there , but then if I lifted her up and put her in my lap , she wouldn 't be happy either . Still , her love can be bought . My day was quiet . After the busy weekend , it was nice to have nothing to do . I had a dentist appointment in the late morning . It was a nothing appointment , just having a final crown put on , so it was more a chance to visit with Cindy . I was going to go to Atria for lunch but it was too late when I left Cindy 's , so I went shopping first , dropped food off at home , and then went to see my mother . She was sitting in the lobby outside the restaurant again and we had a quiet visit . Her " I don 't understand you so I 'll pick a topic " thing this time was my hair . Whenever she didn 't understand or follow what I was saying , she told me how pretty my hair was . The things she is most likely to focus on are hair ( loves mine , hates hers , loves anybody at Atria with white hair ) , her skin ( hates the brown spots because they make her look old ) , and shoes ( she tells me how pretty my Birkenstocks are every time I visit her . ) It 's nice that she uses how " pretty " things and people are . So much nicer than if she gripes about everything . She didn 't want to go to her apartment with me , so I went by myself to pick up her laundry . I have given up trying to explain to her the difference between clothes hamper , garbage , and Poise package . She has dirty laundry in each , and used pee pads in each . I have to go through all three receptacles carefully to be sure to get all the laundry and throw away the things that need to be thrown away . Berklee College of Music presents a musical theater writing concert each year . It 's a program Jeri helped create several years ago , teaching students how to write for musical theater , and actors learning how to write and perform for musical theater . She said it was a natural for the school , since the musicians especially , are likely to go on to playing for musical theater productions , since it is a common way for musicians to make music ( Jeri has been doing it for years ) . Over dinner at our Mexican daughter Marie 's restaurant in Elk Grove tonight , we reminisced about the year she lived with us while she was finishing high school and some of the weird things that went on . " You are not a normal family , " she laughed . I liked that ! It had been a very full day . My plan had been to leave the house at 10 : 30 so we would have lots of time for wine tasting in the Napa Valley , but it was actually 12 : 30 before we left Davis . We drove to Napa . . . We left quickly and decide to skip the " free " wineries close by and go to the Vincent Arroyo Winery at the far end of the valley , where we knew there was free tasting and a dog to play with . We had some problem getting there because a bridge was out and we had to find a way around the washout , but Walt finally did and we arrived at the winery . Vincent Arroyo is not one of your big brick edifices with caves in which to age wine , but it is free for tasting , the wine is good ( we bought 4 bottles of wine and a bottle of port , along with some thick balsamic vinegar ) , the tour was so comprehensive that I felt if we had $ 800 , 000 / acre to buy land we could probably start our own winery . And best of all there was Rosie , the winery dog , passionate about having people throw a tennis ball for her . There were eight wines and a bottle of Port for us to taste at Vincent Arroyo and the " tastes " were generous . They have two brands which are their own . One is named " Nameless " and the other is named " Bodega . " Nameless was a cat and Bodega was their chocolate lab We actually liked the Bodega and bought two bottles . Our guide told us it 's his favorite wine with steak , so steak is on the menu later this week . My knees were giving out , and I was also the designated driver , so I gave up tasting the rest of the wines and went outside to sit in rocking chairs made from old wine barrels . When the tour group went out to look at the vineyard and learn about pruning the vines , the tour guide asked first if I wanted him to bring me more wine . You won 't find that at V . Sattui , or any other big winery , After a leisurely dinner with more wine ( beer for Caroline ) , we finally had to leave . Marta had to get up for work in the morning and Caroline has to get up for her class . It was a white knuckle drive home for this designated driver as it was raining and I hate that part of the highway under the best of circumstances , so the combination of rain and dark made it just that much worse . It was a relief to arrive home safely . But what a fun day this " not normal " family had today ! I was an Erma Bombeck wannabe and wanted to see if I could produce a column - length entry every day . 6612 entries later , I think I proved I can , though nobody has come offering to publish it . Also , my friend Steve Schalchlin , who is on the record as something like the 4th person in the world to start an on - line journal , was an inspiration and I figured if 15 . Do you have any pets ? Two rescue dogs . Lizzie is a shaggy terrier mix and Polly is the Chihuahua mix that rules the house . 16 . Do you have siblings ? I don 't know how old I was when I realized I had a fabulous voice and hoped someone would discover me . We used to sing songs in our classroom when I was in grammar school and Sister would walk up and down the aisles , listening to each person as they sang . I always sang louder when she got to me so she could hear what a wonderful voice I had , but she never said anything . I learned about harmony from my cousin Peach . I remember the year when I spent time at her house and she taught me how to sing " You are my sunshine " and take the melody line while she sang the harmony part . . . or was it the other way around ? She had a beautiful voice . It was around 1955 . . . . I would have been 12 and still in grammar school . . . when I saw the movie Interrupted Melody , about Australian opera star Marjorie Lawrence and her struggle to regain her career after a bout of polio when I realized that my destiny was to be an opera singer . Night after night , as I stood in our flat 's pantry and washed the dinner dishes , I practiced scales , trying to hit ever higher notes until my mother begged me to stop . I didn 't realize until later that I was an alto , not a soprano , which was a disappointment . I loved hitting those high notes , When I got to high school , I joined the choir , of course , and sang all the time . By then I was comfortable being an alto and liked singing the alto line because I got to do the harmony . Throughout my life I couldn 't sing Christmas carols and not sing harmony , it 's so deeply engrained in my memory . But still nobody ever noticed that I had a particularly gifted voice . When I got to college and became a member of the Newman Club , I joined the choir . This was singing I loved because we did difficult music . Mozart , Beethoven , Palestrina . We rehearsed and then sang at Mass on Sunday . One year , our director , Jim White , decided we would concentrate on German hymns . I didn 't like that because I don 't know . . . . I just never liked the German language . I love Latin , Italian and French , but something about German just never appealed to me , and I found the language difficult to sing in , but I did it because it was the choir and I was part of the choir . I even got to be a quasi - soloist once . We were singing a 4 - part Mass and the alto soloist for some reason was not going to be available . Jim decided I could sing the solo , but felt my voice wasn 't strong enough , so chose someone else to sing with me . We were the " Benedictus girls " and it was fun to sing " solo , " even if it was only once . I loved that choir . It was the most challenging work I ever did and when Walt and I got married , as a gift , the choir sang a Mozart Mass for us , complete with orchestral accompaniment . That was amazing . After we got married and started having kids and attending Mass at our local church , I usually sang with the local choir . It was a succession of increasingly less demanding music . St . Jarlath had a pretty good choir which , while not as demanding as the Newman Hall choir had been , still did some pretty impressive stuff . When we moved to Davis , I joined the St . James choir for awhile , but the music was so simple and totally un - challenging that I eventually gave up out of boredom . I still enjoyed singing , though . I loved Christmas when the family would drive out to a tree farm , buy a tree , load it into the car and then sing Christmas carols on the drive back home , with me always singing the harmony . The Davis Comic Opera Co . also went caroling and we joined them a year or two . That was also fun , but didn 't last all that long . The last time I went Christmas caroling it was with Marta 's family when we walked around the neighborhood singing and playing kazoos . When I was with the Lamplighters , I even got an opportunity to sing opera - - sort of . Gilbert had an annual private sing - along . He and the Lamplighters orchestra , or which ever instrumentalists wanted to come ( usually most of them ) would get together just for fun to play music that they never got to play as professionals . He did all 9 Beethoven symphonies , for example , just to an empty theater with a handful of friends to listen . But when they did the 9th symphony , he invited more than a handful of people and then invited whoever wanted to sing " Ode to Joy " to come up on stage and sing it . My big chance ! Dumbest , most embarrassing thing I ever did . Here I was with a choir of professional singers , trying to sight - read Beethoven and Gilbert asked if they wanted to sing in English or in German and they agreed to sing in German . I stood next to one of the strongest altos , but trying to read the unfamiliar alto - line of the music and the words in German and sing harmony which I did not know was just ridiculous . I ended up mouthing the words and being quiet . Fortunately nobody ever mentioned it to me . I always played music in the car when I was driving alone and I was one of those folks who sang along with whatever was playing . But eventually I discovered audio books and those were my companions on car trips . I rarely had an opportunity to sing at all anywhere . So it was a shock to me the last time I took my mother to have lunch with her friends , a couple of years ago now , when I put on the playlist of music from the 40s and 50s that I had made for her . It was her favorite music and she was able to sing all the words to most of the songs all the way home - - about an hour or so . My shock was that I could not sing at all . My vocal range was about 3 - 4 notes and I could not sing higher or lower . It wasn 't that my voice cracked , it was that when I tried to sing something out of that range , there was just . . . nothing . I still can 't sing . My theory is that you really do lose it if you don 't use it . Sometimes I can sing a bit better than others , but we went to a memorial service the other day and again I could only hit the very few notes in the middle of the hymns we were singing . But she said that no , she would rather just sit there and watch people . And that 's what she does . She either sits in her apartment and looks out on this garden from there , or she sits in the lobby and looks out on the garden from here . Her brain processes more slowly now and you can 't point to moving things for her . There was a squirrel and by the time she had processed the world " squirrel " and that it was outside and that it was climbing up that tree , the squirrel was long gone and she missed it entirely . Likewise a cute little bird hopping around the patio right outside her window . I told her about Caroline and whenever I mentioned something about her , I had to explain again who she was , and when she couldn 't understand me at all , she would look past my head at the window in the dining room , on the opposite side of the building , interrupt me , and say " aren 't those trees beautiful ? " I did have to laugh , though . She is forever complaining about " all that junk " in her apartment , giving it a disgusted wave of her hand , so upset that things aren 't absolutely perfect . But while she sat in the chair today , looking at the trees coming into leaf and the trees that still have bare branches and she gave the same disgusted wave of her hand and said something like " but look at all that . . . . junk . " She 's also having more problems with word finding . After telling me how beautiful the leaves on the trees were , the last time she pointed them out to me , she couldn 't remember the word " leaf " or " tree " and just said " all that . . . . stuff . . . . is so beautiful . " But she 's happy . She 's healthy . And the only thing she complains about ( other than the messes she sees ) are the brown spots on her hands because people will think she 's old . I can 't really be unhappy about that . People marvel at how young she looks and she certainly looks younger than most 80 year olds in the building . Caroline seems to be settling into a routine . She had come here to take a course in neurology , but that didn 't work out , so she is in cardiology and came home the first day to announce she had listened to a hawk 's heart that day . She also fell in love with a puppy ( who had to go home at the end of the day ) . So it 's all going well . This weekend she is not on call , so we will go to Napa one day and somewhere else the other day . We also have a show Saturday night and will probably go to our Mexican daughter 's restaurant for dinner on Sunday night , if Ned is free . Did you know that March 23 is National Puppy Day ? We will not be celebrating , despite the fact that I miss " puppy breath " terribly . How I loved those days of raising , especially bottle - feeding , puppies . On the Internet you can find holidays for every day , some mainstream , some rather offbeat ( obviously the offbeat holidays are more fun ) . Today , ironically , is " Memory Day . " I had a visit with my mother to " celebrate . " Something I received from Compassion this morning says " Oct . 10 is Hug a Drummer Day . Have you ever hugged a drummer ? Of course you haven 't . At least not since the last time you did and they passed on the traditional three - pat - on - the - back routine and hammered out an over - enthusiastic paradiddle on you , right ? " Heck , I hug a drummer all the time ( Ned is a drummer ) so never say never . Not mainstream , but February 20 is " Hoodie - Hoo Day . " What the heck is that ? It is a day to chase away the winter blues , when people are supposed to go out at noon , wave their hands over their heads and chant " Hoodie - Hoo " ! I 'm sorry we all missed that one . The month of March is , among other things , National Peanut Month . I must lay in supplies for the rest of the month . And we just missed National Bubble Week , which was last week . Tomorrow should be fun , though . It 's National Goof - off Day . Of course for me every day is goof off day , ( just like every day is peanut butter day ) , so I don 't have to go out of my way to celebrate . I think I 'll skip Chocolate Covered Raisin day ( March 24 ) , since those aren 't my favorites , but I must remember to make waffles on Waffle Day , March 25 . The 26th and 27th are , respectively , National Spinach Day and National " Joe " day . One of my standard non - Blue Apron meals is " Joe Special , " which combines spinach and hamburger with eggs and parmesan cheese . I would make Joe Special , but since Caroline is lactose intolerant , maybe I 'll wait to do this until next year . April 7 is National Beer Day , which you probably need after the 6th , which is " plan your epitaph day , " which sounds a bit gruesome . I wonder how many epitaphs include beer in them . I 'll bet we have the only gravestone with the epitaph " FTS " ( which stands for F * * k this Sh * t , which both Paul and David would love if they knew it ) April 15 is Rubber Eraser Day , perhaps no coincidence that it is also the last day to submit your tax returns ( # 45 take note , please . . . . these returns are not under audit ) . In Great Britain they are called " rubbers , " which is the source of great hilarity when a British high school student attends an American school and asks for a rubber . They learn the difference pretty quickly , I think ! Be careful of your celebrations for this day , though . There is a controversy . Some say it 's April 15 and some say it is April 13 . Don 't want to offend anyone by celebrating on the wrong day . I must Celebrate April 17 , which is " blah , blah , blah day , " an actual copyrighted holiday . I felt it referred to the content of these journal entries , but actually it is a day is to do all of the projects and things that people have been nagging you to do . This may include quitting a habit , losing weight , or working on home projects . The list site includes a special flower for each day and a special recipe for the day and today 's recipe is for a baked blooming onion , which I guess helps make the day less " blah . " Some of the other interesting holidays to round out the month of April are : Newspaper Columnists day ( 18th ) , National Garlic Day ( 19th ) , World Penguin Day ( 25th ) , Hug an Australian Day ( 26th ) , and Hairstyle Appreciation Day ( 30th ) . We are just a national of celebrations and thanks to the internet , we can find a way to celebrate anything we want to celebrate . I may have to do this entry again to include May and June . . . . [ Hey ! I 'm feeling really good about myself yesterday . Someone on Facebook pointed out that since I had one ice cream made of purple sweet potatoes and one made from avocado , I really had two servings of vegetables . Yay me ! ] There is something to this " bonding " stuff . With birds , they imprint on the first figure they see ( I remember reading Konrad Lorenz book , on which the movie I 'll Fly Away was loosely based . He explained it all . ) . the movie Ned , Brianna and Lacie made last year . She was very impressed . I 'm not sure what she expected , but I am sure she was surprised at the level of professionalism you can achieve with a green screen , a movie camera , and two little kids . Ned has been down in Santa Barbara this week , working on a movie based on Harry Potter . I don 't know what is going to come of it , but it will probably take awhile . That post - production stuff takes time ( remember All that Jazz ? ) . We DID see the green screen in action , though . I was thinking of my father today . He was obsessed with Watergate and watched every minute of coverage he could see . He created all sorts of scrapbooks of newspaper articles to back up the thoughts he was having about Nixon I watched a lot of the coverage of the wiretapp [ sic ] hearing today . I 'm not quite obsessed with it , not like my father was with Watergate , but I watched an awful lot of it . It just made me feel dirty for our country . First of all , BLOTUS ( Biggest Liar of the United States ) is caught in another lie . Despite his faith in the " Talented Legal Mind , " of FOX 's Andrew Napolitano 's statement about wiretapping , lesser experts like the head of the FBI and national security assure the committee that there is We started yesterday with a visit to Sacramento 's Crocker Art Museum . I 've lived here 43 years and had never visited it , but I will definitely go again . Rooms like this are breathtaking The most impressive room did not allow photos , but it was an exhibit by photographers Ansel Adams and Canadian Leonard Frank , who went to the internment camps to take pictures of the Japanese there and record that whole black history of this country . The photos were very moving , but even more moving were the comments in the guest books ( 2 of them ) , many from students who had never heard this story ! Even I learned something - - I did not know that there were internment camps for Japanese in We were at the museum for about 3 hours and barely made a dent , but we left to go to dinner . I had planned for dinner in Old Sacramento , forgetting it was Sunday and it was so compacted you could hardly move , so we got outta there real quick - like and went to dinner at P . F . Chang 's ( yesterday 's Photo of the Day ) After that we went to Capital Stage , where we saw an excellent production of a play called Guards at the Taj by Rajif Joseph , which is not only very funny , but very dark and downright cruel . It 's two guys ( I call them the Odd Couple of 1648 ) who are tasked to guard the Taj Mahal the night before it 's unveiling . It starts very funny , but then it turns very dark when they find out what order the Emperor has for them . Following those orders ultimately destroys the two men . It 's a disturbing story , but so well done by the 2 actors that I gave it 4 ( out of 5 ) stars . Then home to sleep . In the morning we had a Skype call with Caroline 's parents , Jane and Stephen in Guernsey . Even brother Alexander , in London was brought in on the call . Ya gotta love modern technology . The last time we saw Jane she had no white hair - - now she 's gone all white ( and it 's quite becoming on her ) . It was nice to chat with her again . Makes Caroline seem almost like a grandchild ! By the time we got to the Golden Gate Bridge , the fog was so thick you couldn 't even SEE the bridge . I foolishly suggested we go up into the Marin headlands to see if you could see anything through the fog , but they have changed the road and NONE of the parking areas were available . They had all been made into resting areas for hikers with the road blocked off to cars . I looked up into the hills and lo and behold , it looked like Twin Peaks was in the clear , so we started driving up and up and up until we got to the top . And yes , it was clear . Caroline could see the Golden Gate Bridge from that height and of course I took the requisite " taking new person on a tour of San Francisco starting on Twin Peaks " photo . We then drove through Sausalito and out the other end , where we stopped at Dario 's Italian restaurant for dinner . Caroline slept most of the way home , and we stopped at CVS in Davis so she could get a couple of things she needs for the class . She has to be up at the crack of dawn to get to her orientation , so I hope she is able to sleep tonight Well . . . interesting day today . Caroline slept in quite late and I finally went off to the store around 10 , before she awoke , to get a corned beef . Before she arrived , she told me she was lactose intolerant and so I 'd purchased a quart of almond milk and used it to make blueberry muffins . They were delicious ! While they were gone , I went to Atria . Oh man . . . it was the worst day . She was in bed when I got there an when I woke her up she was disoriented and agitated . When I talked to her she made no sense and I thought for a minute she had had a stroke because one side of her mouth seemed to be drooping , though as she started to wake up and talk , it wasn 't drooping after all . But I don 't even know how to describe it . I was there about an hour and a half . And she kept talking about how much it hurt and she didn 't know what to do for the pain , but when I tried to press her for where exactly the pain was , she said that since I 'd been there the pain had stopped . She was totally fixated on the " pain " she was feeling and asked if I felt like I was trying to get my two heads together . She kept trying to figure out what was wrong and she didn 't want to sound like a complaining old woman so she didn 't want to let anybody know what was wrong with her . And then she fainted again . At first I thought she was being funny , but she fell hard against my chest and when I tried to talk to her , she didn 't respond . Then I thought she was dead , but I felt a pulse , so I shook her and called to her and she came out of it , disoriented like she always is . At a lull in the non - conversation we were having , I mentioned that Caroline was with us and said she was a veterinarian . Then all she could talk about is what she would find when she examined my mother . Didn 't even register that I was talking about an animal doctor . I was afraid to leave her , but we were just , by now , staring at each other . so I turned on the TV to see what was on and found the Catholic station which was showing a special on St . Patrick . . . all that green in Ireland I figured she would enjoy , and she did . She was even impressed at the thousands of tourists climbing Anyway , she did seem to be into it enough to enjoy it and so was calming down . When the show was over the next show was the Daily Mass and I figured that was something familiar enough and simple enough to follow that I could feel comfortable leaving her , so I did . I had not planned to go back tomorrow , but there is no way I can NOT go to check on her tomorrow . I got home to a message from Walt that he and Caroline were at the Irish pub having a libation in honor of St . Patrick . When they came home , Walt took a nap and then , after Jeopardy , I served my corned beef which , if I do say so , humbly , was one of the best corned beefs I have ever made . I cooked it in apple juice with the veggies and added the cabbage for the last half hour or so . Usually I eat my corned beef with catsup , but the flavor of this was so good I didn 't want to ruin it with anything like that . After dinner we sat around chatting . She 's such an interesting person and entertained us with stories of Fred , the orphan lamb who adopted her and how she had to wean him because the farmer didn 't have time to coddle him after she left . She also talked about some of the other places she had visited , including Kenya , where she worked with animals there . Well . . . she 's here . . She seems lovely . And she hasn 't run screaming from the house yet . I take that as a positive sign . I spent a bit of time finishing the closet cleaning and took about 9 or 10 boxes to the SPCA thrift store . The problem was that in cleaning out the closet , I found a lot of clothes that fit me that I had forgotten about . I now have a big mound on the dining room table in the living room that I have to find space for in the downstairs closet . Around 4 : 30 we headed off to the San Francisco airport to pick Caro up after her 7 : 30 arrival . It was the height of rush hour traffic , but Walt took the Golden Gate bridge , which had very little traffic going in our direction , and we got to the airport on time . He decided to park at the airport rather than wait for Caro to call us on her phone . Caro 's visit made me tackle projects that have been waiting for years to get done . . . and I did them . Maybe it will also prod me into going to get hearing aids I don 't think I understood 1 / 4 of what she said on the ride home , what with the combination of her soft voice , her British accent , and my hearing problems . Getting hearing aids would at least give me a fighting chance . Going to bed discouraged tonight . We worked all day , Walt much harder than I , and we got some stuff done , but not nearly what I 'd hoped to accomplish . Rob Rummel - Hudson wrote on Facebook today , " my car broke down within walking distance from home . I have to say , though . " Walking distance " feels a lot different at my age than it used to . " And Rob is considerably younger than I am . But that 's how I 'm feeling . . . . . discouraged that I wake up with all these plans for how much I will accomplish , and ending the day discouraged at how little I accomplished . That 's not to say I didn 't get anything accomplished . All of my laundry is folded and put away . ( You have no idea what a huge deal this is ! ) I also went up to Caroline ' room and got rid of a ton ( i . e . , 3 boxes and a bag ) of clothes I will never wear again . . . or ever . Some came from a big lot of " interim clothes " I bought on E - bay to wear when I was losing weight . The idea was that these would hold me until I reached my goal weight , but in reality I never reached the " interim clothes " weight so they have optimistically filled the drawers all these years . But Caroline 's impending arrival made me be realistic and they are now all packed up for the thrift store . I also threw away all the wire hangers , in my very best Joan Crawford fury , and now have only plastic hangers . . . . and enough hangers and room for Caroline . I have cleared away so many drawers and closet space you 'd think she was coming for six months instead of only two weeks . But it was all stuff that had to be done eventually , and stuff I have been putting off for many years . I had hoped that we could move the kitchen table back to where it belongs by dinner tonight , and I got all of the desks cleared out in preparation for moving them . I moved one very heavy bookcase outside and my back did not like that at all , but the desk we are going to move upstairs into the guest bedroom is so light I could do it myself . It was the desk Gilbert gave me for mother 's day one year . It was the only gift he ever gave me , and I definitely have made the most of it . but because of that , the desk top ( unpainted wood ) looks horrible so I went out to Office Max and got a desk calendar to cover up the years of abuse the desk has taken . But tonight was the night Walt does his " visitation " with our friend Malcolm . Malcolm 's wife doesn 't feel good about leaving him alone , so Walt and two other people go over and visit with him for a couple of hours so Natalie can go to her quilting group . I didn 't have all the desks cleaned off before he left and by the time he got home , it was too late to finish the restoration of the kitchen . I hope that picking her up works out . I have not seen a clear photo of her since she was about 5 and I don 't have a clue what she looks like . She ( or her mother ) called today , but I was not by my phone and didn 't get the call , and they did not call back . I tried sending a text to that number ( on Gibraltar ! ) but I don 't know if I can send international texts , and there was no reply , so I don 't know if it was received . She did answer but I don 't know what she meant when she said " Ok ! My number is + 4455501221 just to check I don 't need an international dialing code on the mobile number you have given me ? " Now did she mean for that question mark to be there and was I supposed to know if her phone works , or did she put the question mark in there when she meant to put a period , which would make more sense . ( That phone # , by the way , is not hers . They were giving out a phone number on NCIS - LA as I was typing and I used that one instead ! ) In the middle of all this " work " I was doing today , I went off to Atria to take my mother 's clean laundry to her . It was 3 p . m . She was not in her apartment , not in the chair where she often sits , not in the dining room . I didn 't know where she was , but figured she was OK . I waited for her for 30 minutes but she didn 't come and I wanted to get home to get back to the cleanup , so I left a note for her . I will be interested to see if the note is still there when I see her next . The last time I left a note , I left it on her hair and two days later it was still there and she had not moved it , which means she had not sat in that chair . I have the feeling she thought she wasn 't supposed to move the note . Today I put her little stuffed dog on top of the note and maybe she will read it this time , though all it said was that I couldn 't stay and would see her later . Oh , and by the way , we had the left over chicken pot pie for dinner tonight . That crust may have been a visual disaster , but it was , I have to admit , the most flaky crust I have ever made . Someone suggested that a change of brand of flour might be the cause of my crust fail lately . And I DID change flour to King Arthur Flour about five years ago which , as I think back on it , may have been when my problems started . Next time I buy flour , I 'll go back to Gold Medal and see if that makes a difference . Happy pi day . Well , technically it was yesterday , 3 / 14 . I decided to celebrate as many do on pi day . . . I baked a pie . I 've tried everything . I 've tried barely handling the dough at all , so that it retains all of the flakiness . I 've tried working it into a smooth ball . I 've tried refrigerating it and not refrigerating it . I 've rolled it ut on a floured bread board or between two pieces of waxed paper , or in one of those special bags where you put your dough , zip it up and then roll it out , or on a special Wilton 's pie crust pad , with the right sized circle marked for you . Jeri asked me some years ago for my pie recipe and I gave her this recipe and she has been making it unerringly ever since . I just don 't know how I lost the pie crust gene . But nevertheless I persist and when we next need a pie I will give it one more try . Caroline arrives tomorrow night and we might be ready for her . Not as ready as I thought we would be six months ago . With our usual efficiency , we have saved all the work for the last two days . In the process , I uncovered some lenses I have purchased for my old iPhone . Not very useful , but I did like this fisheye lens . Totally impractical , but kind of fun to try . The other lens was a close - up so close up that you have to almost be ON the item you want to photograph . I did get most of the stuff that has been piled where the kitchen table usually goes all emptied and stuff either tossed out or , believe it or not , finding a home in my office The furniture is still there . We haven 't figure out where to PUT it , exactly , so we still have no kitchen table , but I have hope that when we finish the chicken pot pie tomorrow night , we can both sit at the kitchen table . We may have to move the furniture out to the back yard . Now that rain seems to be over , it should be OK . Walt picked up the bike we are borrowing for her visit and I tried to contact our friend with the horse ranch , which Caroline would like to visit if there is time . She also wants to visit Sacramento 's Crocker Art Museum , which should be interesting . I have lived here 43 years and have never been in it ! And I 've arranged for tickets for her to the two shows I will be reviewing while she is here . As I have said many times , I am easily distractible , which is why this " straightening up " project is not happening . Yesterday I was going to Get Serious about it . But thefirst thing I picked up was a folder in which are a copies of letters I wrote to my friend Phil Dethlefsen in May and June of 1979 I don 't have a clue why only those two months . Phil 's partner was the Lamplighters leading tenor during those days and Phil and I got to be friends because he had a lot of health problems and it seemed like he was forever hospitalized , so I started writing to him . It evolved into my writing to him every day , sometimes more than once a day . Somewhere I probably have a big folder of many , many letters over the years , but this is just a handful of them . Phil is dead now , as is his partner . The friendship died in 1986 . Well , Phil 's partner killed it the week Gilbert died . Phil , whose last words to me were " don 't worry about him . I 'll take care of it " was never heard from again an I suspect that they even changed their phone number ( but I never tried to call it ) . It was ugly . . . ugly . . . ugly ( at one point Phil 's partner sent a message via a mutual friend that I shoud go f * * k myself ) and the most hateful thing that had ever happened to me until Peggy came along . But I digress . It was interesting reading through these old letters and gives a good picture of all the kids during that time . Jeri would have been 13 when I was writing , which would make Ned 12 and on down to David , who would have been 7 . Here are some of the things that kept me reading and not cleaning up . Ned is indeed a challenge but the one advantage of dealing with him over , say , dealing with Jeri is that with Ned there is never any question about when he is feeling upset , what he is feeling upset about , or whether or not you are getting through to him . With Jeri , she is so closed that you never know even IF she is unhappy about something . But Ned 's whole body scream it loud and clear and even if he shuts you out completely ( as he did yesterday when I wouldn 't take his side in the pitching debate ) you can still pretty accurately read his needs . Or a least it seems that way to me - - I suppose I have to wait until he grows up to know for sure if I 'm right . . . . . Ned and I just had our daily argument . This one even sillier than the others that we have . David and Tom are talking abut having a Kool - Aid stand this afternoon . David told Ned that he would have to buy Kool - aide and that they wouldn 't give him any . Ned came to me and said that it wasn 't fair because when he had a cool aide stand , he gave some to tom and David and they didn 't have to buy any . I told Ned that I wouldn 't talk abut it now because if we argued about it , which we would certainly do , we 'd just have to argue abut it again when / if the stand became a reality and I didn 't want two arguments in one day - - and that it was silly to argue about something that might not even happen . This was the basis for the argument which ended with his = me storming upstairs to go fold laundry and Ned slamming out of the house in a huff . I don 't know why we set each other so vehemently and so constantly . . . . Now that I think of it , Jeri and Seymour ( our dog ) are a lot alike . I was thinking of some way to compare Jeri to something and Seymour came to mind immediately . I watched my father yesterday . He was bound and determined to make friends with Seymour . Well , you just don 't do that to Seymour . You can 't talk to her , chirp at her , coo and cajole and expect her to warm up to you . You have to leave her alone and let her make her advances in her own time . Jeri is just the same . We very seldom have any physical affection between us - - Jeri just doesn 't like it . But I stopped attempting it long ago and that has had its rewards . Last night she was so terribly upset about the play being over and she came downstairs and sat in m lap for about 15 minutes crying and talking it out . She almost never does this , but when she does it 's very special - - and if you try to approach her on something like that , you just don 't get anywhere and you spoil the somewhat delicate balance that your relationship hangs upon . Strange how different kids are . There is quiet , reserved Jeri . Then we have volatile , bombastic Ned . Paul , Tom and David all fall in between , with David closer to Ned than anyone else . Tom requires a lot of love , a lot of physical affection and likes more than anything else to just sit here talking to me all afternoon . Paul neither requires nor shuns affection . It 's just something which happens or not , depending on the situation Of all the kids , he and I probably think the most alike and we have a nice chummy relationship . I wonder what they are all going to be like when they grow up . I wonder what David and Paul would have been like in their 40s . We 'll never know , but at the time of his death , Paul and I were still very close and the day he died he called on the phone , like he did every day , and asked me " do you think it 's weird that I call my mother every day ? " . I guess the one who has changed the most is Tom , who is too busy to sit and chat all afternoon , though he is still very physically affectionate and a real good guy . I watch him as a father and it makes me feel like I must have done something right because he 's the father I wish I had had . This " pie " is a cake with what looks like a lot of banana pudding piled on top of it , with two slices of banana and then faux whipped cream . The topping all slid off the cake before we could eat it . It was tasty , but it was not my idea of " pie " at all . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am ! |
You know , I shop in Goodwill a lot . I saw an adorable pair of clogs . Brown . I always wanted a pair of adorable clogs . I picked them up and saw that there were no signs of wear on the soles . These looked like brand new shoes . Did I mention that they were adorable ? I 've decided that I need to go shopping with other people . I need someone who can see past the whole " ooooh . . . clogs ! . . . I like clogs . . . " People who will say things like , " Well , yes , moron , but did ya ever stop to wonder why an adorable pair of shoes like that would wind up in a Goodwill ? Did you ever stop to wonder about why an adorable pair of shoes would show no sign of wear ? Did you ever stop to wonder if , maybe , just MAYBE , these might turn out to be the most deucedly uncomfortable shoes known to all mankind ? " I need someone who will say , " Hold on a minute right there , sistah ! Sit down and try those shoes on . You NEVER buy shoes without trying them on . " I do know this little factoid , but sometimes , when shoes are speaking to me , I forget about it . This brings me to another important point : My shopping friend will have to speak louder than shoes . I cannot tell you how many times I fallen under the spell of a pair of purty shoes simply because they look brand new . I just never seem to learn . Posted by It has been a busy time . I 'm doing the last minute cramming for my test . ( 3 days away , but who 's counting ? ) I 've reached the point where I 've stopped being anxious about it and am just wanting it done . Big things always tend to devolve to that . I find myself wearily looking at the thing close up and thinking , ' No matter what , at the end of the day , this will be behind me , and I 'll be glad for that . ' In the midst of all of this , I 've been helping Cara move , which was useful , because it gave me the fodder for my next column which I was able to sit down and tap out in an evening . I was feeling pretty good about it , and went to close it out , and somehow managed to click on ' don 't save changes , ' and lost the whole thing . It was the groan heard round the world . I wrote it again , while it was still fresh in my mind , and wound up staying up later than I wanted to . You know , we 've been having some wicked storms lately . Lots of tree damage . On the way to Cara 's , I saw a mobile home that had three large trees fall on it . That 's a bad day , there , when three trees fall on your home . We 've been lucky . We have two very massive trees in our back yard that we 've been contemplating . They keep the entire yard very dark , but they are ancient and huge , and they will cost a fortune to take down . Still , in violent weather , when they are thrashing and limbs are dropping off ( one landed , like a spear into the ground , and stood there at attention ) we find ourselves thinking once again , " What on earth should we do about those trees ? " Coming home from Cara 's , travelling due north through the center of Pennsylvania , the mountains go on and on until they turn into nothing more than the very distant blue hint of mountains extending on into infinity . It was breathtakingly beautiful to watch the far away storms from that perspective , giant jagged streaks of lightning shooting straight down into those blue mountain shadows . All around me , wherever I looked , I could see dark dramatic clouds and far off lightning . I loved that trip home . It got me to thinking about how I love to sit in my quiet house and listen to the rain trickling in the eave spouting , the hiss of a hard rain on the pavement . The rumbles of thunder . The sound of the wind . I haven 't had a radio in the car for some time now , and in the quiet , I have rediscovered the joy of small sounds . I have discovered the joy of listening , and hearing . That pleasure has extended outside my car , and into my home . I rarely turn on the television or the radio , preferring instead to hear the small sounds that have always been there , but somehow managed to get lost in the noise . The Amish regularly go by with their clip clopping horses and the rattle of wagon wheels , and I like that . It gives you a moment where you feel as if you shut your eyes , you might open them and discover yourself in another time . I like the sound of train whistles in the night . They give you a moment where you feel as if you shut your eyes , you might open them to discover yourself in another place . I like to lay in bed and hear the church bells downtown chime the hours through the open window even as my own clock in the hall chimes the hours as well . I must admit that happy synchronicity happens infrequently , because my clock has the habit of rushing on ahead , and I 'm always slowing it down . Usually , my clock in the hall chimes , and then a couple minutes later , the church bells sonorously intone their correction . I like the ticking of clocks . I don 't know why . I always have loved that sound even as a young girl . Maybe that 's the pleasure in it , the memory of other clocks in other places in other times . I have the keywound in the hall , but I also have a small key wound alarm clock in the bathroom . I lose track of time easily being a daydreamer , so I need a clock there , but I like getting ready for work with the ticking in the background , soothing me but keeping me mindful of the time as well . I like the sound of windchimes . I have a giant set of them that sound like churchbells . I have hung them on the back porch where the wind doesn 't stir them much , just enough to make them whisper to themselves , so that they sound like the echo of distant church bells . I found a small odd box at the Goodwill . I was intrigued with it . It has a magnet in the top of it , and it is filled with steel bb 's . You turn the box upside down , and the bb 's stick to the magnet . When you set it down , one by one , the bb 's drop onto some horizontal tubing and makes the tiniest chiming noise you ever heard . It took me a time to figure out its purpose , but when I did , I was plainly delighted with it , standing there with a silly smile on my face as I listened to it in the crowded store . I could not wait to show everyone at home , and for a buck ninety - nine , it seemed like an affordable luxury . ( For the record , everyone at home looked at me as if I were foolish . ) Yesterday , we had a string of violent weather . I was in a class and the lightning struck so close it looked as if it struck in the parking lot . Driving home , I could see that the wind had done a lot of damage . I got home and Cara was wild eyed . She got her new ( to her ) car the day Wednesday evening . She 's very proud of it . Power everthing , and a working air conditioner and CD player . Plus it is shiiiiiiiiii - ny . She decided that she did not want to pull it in our driveway , afraid that the little hump where the side walk is might cause her to scrape bottom a little , so it was along the street in front of our house when the storm hit . Much to Cara 's horror , a large branch fell from one of the big trees across the street on to a car , which sent Cara running hell bent for leather in the bucketing down rain screaming a little to move her car which was opposite the downed limb . The streets were flooded , so she drove it to the parking garage , where she parked it next to the two nicest cars she could find , a guarantee of sorts , since bad things do not happen to the well to do . She then ran the 10 blocks back home to make sure the house was secure . The power had gone out , and a window had blown in , but did not break , oddly enough . The basement was flooded , but we know that this will continue to be a problem until we get the new roof and rain gutters on this month . Cara did not know this little factoid and was quite upset . All 's well that ends well . No damage to the house , and her little blue car is just as perfect as it was when the storm began . Plus it was a perfect excuse to go out to dinner , grabbing the neighbor kid as we headed out . Just kind of strange that days after I wrote that last post , we find that one of our boys is trying to find a new apartment for his girlfriend . She liked her old apartment well enough , but they came home from the races to discover that the landlord ( who lives downstairs from them ) had shot his wife , who was lifeflighted out of town to a big medical center . Makes the fact that yesterday I witnessed what was almost certainly a drug deal happen right in the kiddy playground seem like nothing . That whole shooting in Aurora Colorado was just awful , wasn 't it ? Some folks went to a midnight ' Batman ' premiere , and somehow , 12 people end up dead . 58 wounded . The shooter was a gifted science student who inexplicably dropped out of college . He 'd been planning the whole thing for months , ordering ammo and explosives from the internet , stockpiling , purchasing weapons . I don 't get it . Like a great many other things that happen in this world , I don 't get this . How can someone do such a thing . But he did , and now there are grieving families , and traumatized victims , and funerals being planned , lives changed simply because a group of innocent people decided to go to a movie . The horror of this man 's actions cannot be ignored . It 's talked about endlessly , everywhere . The television . The radio . The internet . The newspaper . Magazines . No escaping it . This terrible awful thing happened . No matter how much reporting is done , though , the one thing that will never change is this : I don 't get it . I don 't understand his actions , his thinking . I don 't understand why he did what he did . I don 't understand what he thought his actions were going to achieve . But here 's something else I don 't get . I don 't get the mindset of people who live half a country away from this , breathlessly following every new update while mournfully pronouncing " It 's not even safe to go to the movies anymore , " as their little audience clucks and agrees about how dangerous our world is . What the hell ? ! ! ! The fact of the matter is this : This is not everyday life for most of America , thank God . It IS safe to go to the movies . Just that one awful day , in that one awful theater , something awful did happen , and believe you me , my heart breaks for those people and their families . But I don 't understand people who are so quick to take a catastrophe and make it their own , to personalize it , to turn it into their own life changing event . That 's just craziness , idle talk of the over dramatic . I just have no patience for people like this . We are perfectly capable of realistically watching the news , and accurately assessing a tragedy like that as a terrible thing that happened , something that is not likely to happen on a regular basis , but a truly horrific event for those involved . We might decide to do something to help those people . We can avoid fearmongering . We are intelligent people , aren 't we ? Aren 't we ? * crickets * Sometimes , people will say things in a comment that set me to thinking , and Laura Jane did it this time . She said , " One day you will overcome your thrifty self and spend a few dimes more on that kind of soap , and lather up in memory of your mom . " I spent the day pondering my thrifty self . Is there such a thing as being too thrifty ? I 'm a very practical person . I grew up in a family where self - indulgence was considered a shameful thing . I grew into a woman who did not have the opportunity to spend on herself . Money was very tight . The children came first . Now I am 55 , and I am in a strange place . I am at a place in my life where Tim and I are comfortable . We do not have to worry about every dime . We don 't worry about every dime . At work the other day , I listened to a woman explain that she works because she needs the paycheck , and for the first time , I realized that is not the reason that I work . It was quite a moment . Tim and I are not rich , not by any means , but we are comfortable . The reason that we are comfortable is due , in part , to the fact that we have been very careful stewards of whatever money we had . We were careful in our spending . We don 't buy new , for the most part . That has been the backbone of our financial success , and it never ceases to amaze me what people sell . They sell a perfectly good couch because they are going with a different look . Or they rip out a perfectly good kitchen because they want a new kitchen . They upgrade their cars when the cars are in perfectly good shape . And yes . When one bath soap is 20 cents cheaper than another , I buy the other soap . Being thrifty can be a bad thing , I suppose , but I really do have a good time with it . I stop into the op shop a couple times a week just to see what they have . I may not buy anything , but sometimes , I find quite remarkable things that are just what I needed . One of the things that I 've been needing for some time is a cushion set for my wicker furniture . ( Yes , it is the same black painted wicker furniture that was sitting in a yard with a free sign ) . I 've been loathe to spend $ 50 on cushioning , and so I haven 't . But I went into the Goodwill and was shocked to smitherines to discover just what I needed , a settee cushion and matching chair cushion . I have never seen such a thing in that store before , but there it was . For a total of less than $ 4 . I got what I 'd been looking for right along . I love the thrill of discoveries like that , and it was fun to find accessories to match the cushions because they were not the color that I 'd been looking for , and that required a few changes . Because I 'd only spent four dollars , I felt entitled to spend the extra for the accessories . Total price of that entire little reading nook ? About $ 35 , including the white 5 x 7 rug , the wicker furniture , the cushions , and the white paint we sprayed that old furniture with . I already had most of the pictures for the wall , and a friend , knowing that it was meant to be a quiet place to read to small children gave me another picture of a small boy in a big chair sitting in a large open room engrossed in a book . It was the perfect final touch . I love that little space . I 'm assembling the other rooms like that too , seeing things that will fit . The guest room upstairs is slowly coming together , each purchase bringing it closer to completion . Tim 's ' man cave ' is done , with the exception of maybe a buffalo skin rug for the floor . We 're still good naturedly arguing on that point . He 's excited about his buffalo head , and he wants the rest of him on the floor . Me ? I think they 're ugly , and can you even vacuum a buffalo hide ? We 've had a fun time , filling the house with things that we have searched out and bought carefully . Tim 's as involved in this process as I am , and it tickles me because I never would have guessed that he was like this . He is though . I realized it when he painted the kitchen three timeCara came home yesterday for a few hours . She 's just gotten her first ' very own ' apartment , a studio . She 's very careful about what she wants . Tim and I are giving her a desk for graduation , and she knows exactly what she wants . As soon as she actually finds one that meets her exacting standards , we will buy it for her . But we went out and did some shopping . Bought some rugs . A toothbrush holder . Got more ideas than stuff , actually . It was a fun afternoon . As she was leaving to head back , she went to drop something in the garbage . " What 's THIS ? ! ! ! " she exclaimed . " It 's a one dollar coupon for toilet paper ! THE GOOD TOILET PAPER ! ! " She was getting louder as she fished it out . " Gees , you people get your fancy house , and your fancy stuff , and suddenly you 're throwing away dollars in the trash can ! " It made me laugh . Thriftiness is a tool , one that has opened doors to things that I never would have dreamed possible . I suppose that it can be overdone , as Laura Jane pointed out . Thriftiness could suck the pleasure right out of life , but after thinking it through , I realized that I never have truely deprived myself . Sometimes I defer my small pleasures , but in the end , I lead a very pleasant life . Posted by According to the buzz on my facebook , the Westboro Baptist Church is planning to come and picket a military funeral here in Warren . This is unverified , since the funeral is not listed on their website , but I think that it is important to be there if you can , so that if they do show up , there is a solid wall of people between their hateful signs and the soldier 's family and friends . Posted by I studied and then I headed into the bathroom to take a shower . I reached into the shower , and got the water running . I was about to highstep into the clawfoot tub when I realized that I needed another bar of soap . When I went through the things at my mother 's house last month , I took her soap . Sounds funny , doesn 't it ? It was a brand I like , but when I buy it for myself , it is generally something I do to treat myself . It 's more expensive then the soap I usually buy . She had bought a six bar package of it . Two bars were missing . Impulsively , I took the package with the remaining four bars of soap . I 've been using that soap , and I 've been thinking of my mother . Today , when I realized that I needed to grab soap , I stepped back from that tub and reached for the shelf . When I grabbed that package of soap from the bin , I realized that there was one bar left . One . I stood holding it as the bathroom steamed up . I thought , " Mom bought this soap never dreaming that she would not live to use it up . " For some reason , that made me sad . I threw away the plastic wrapping that the six bars of soap came in , but I put the box with the last bar of soap back in the bin . I grabbed a bar of aloe soap , highstepped over the clawfoot tub , and took my shower . I don 't know if I can bring myself to use that last bar of soap . And for the life of me , I don 't know why . Mary and Danny came to visit , and we drafted Danny to help us wrassle the buffalo head to the wall . The poor thing had been lying on a reload table that had been hauled into the library for that very purpose . It 's been what ? Three months now ? and the reload table was showing every sign of becoming a permanent part of the decor . Mary and Danny are both hunters and have a home filled with taxidermied things . Mary was anxious for Danny to see the buffalo , because she thinks that it is pretty cool herself , and that gave us the perfect segueway . " Danny ! ! ! Old friend ! ! ! You can help us hang a buffalo ! ! ! " Danny is always up for the chance to do something he 's never done before , and lucky for us , he 'd never hung a buffalo , so he was enthusiastic . Kind of rare when you draft someone to help you and they 're enthusiastic too . It 's pretty cool when things work out , isn 't it ? In any case , we heave 'd and we ho 'd and Mary had to take a miss on all the entertainment being on postsurgical restrictions . She sat on the couch and supervised , and the buffalo was slowly moved into place . It 's been quite an ordeal because the darn thing is so heavy . The buffalo was hung before , and quickly unhung because it was evident that the hook was not sturdy enough . Tim then created his own hook out of rebar and reinforced that . He did some work on the actual back of the mount , where the blacksmithed metal hanger had given way . This time , the buffalo went up , and ( miracles of miracles ) he stayed there . We stood gazing at him , holding our collective breath a bit , but he showed no signs of wandering off . We heard no ominous sounds that the wall was about to give way . Emboldened , Danny reached up and plucked the curtain valance off his horn . Tim said , " I did that wrong . " I said , " What ? ! ! ! " Tim said , " Well , I centered the hook on the wall . I should have put the whole thing about a half foot to the right to account for the curtains . Long pause . Nobody said anything . We knew he was right , but the idea of wrassling that buffalo back down off the wall was a bit more than any of us was willing to think on at the moment . I also knew that if that head came down , it would be placed back on the reload table , and it would sit there for another several months , because Tim would have to remove his homemade hook , with all the reinforcement . He would have to patch the damage to the wall . He would have to paint the wall . He would have to reinstall the hook . He 's a busy man , and I hate to nag him because I know how hard he works , but still . Oh . . . still ! . . . I was darn sick of that table . In the end , he decided that we would leave it that way . For now . That 's the way he puts things . " For now . " It leaves his options open . We trooped back to the kitchen and had cold drinks . Danny was entertaining Tim with a story about how he had a groundhog in his yard , and they 've been doing quite a bit of damage to the garden , so he got excitedPosted by I 've been stressing a little over this upcoming certification exam . . . coming up August 2nd . I 'm studying for it , but I am tired of studying too . I want to do other stuff , * whine * but I 've spent too much money for to get signed up for this test to not take it . At work , I need to take a med - passing course that will allow me to work without direct supervision . Originally , this was planned for mid - August , but suddenly , they wanted it done ASAP . They need me to have that certification to move into my next postion , and now , I 'm taking this course next week . NEXT WEEK ! Before my big test , not after . There 's pre - requisites , everything 's top priority . ( * pant , pant , puff * ) Suddenly , everything is about books and studying , and . . . well . . . ACK ! ~ Just ACK ! This morning I got up stressing about the deadline on a column . No real ideas on what to write about , just a few half thought through notions . There on the front page of the paper was my inspiration . I sat down and wrote that column out in one hour . I believe that it was a record for me . Unexpectedly , I received the message that a sale for a Lane cedar chest had fallen through . I 'd put my name in line for the item , but never figured that I would get it . I leapt into the shower and left the house with wet hair . I got it . For $ 20 , believe it or not . I got home and sat down to study for my allotted two hours . It 's all the time that I had . I have to head out to meet a lady . I 'd made another on line purchase earlier in the week . Two of the coolest antique chairs that I 'd ever seen . $ 10 ea / $ 20 for the matched pair . I already know where I want to put them . I 'm working hard , but all that stress and pressure I felt has eased back from this morning . What I feel , instead , is . . . well . . . productive . I have begun taking pictures of the house , in full light . Unfortunately , right this minute , I don 't have time to assemble them into a post . You 've all been so patient . . . I hope you will give me two more weeks . Our county contains a number of small towns . Some of those towns have a great civic pride , and their people work very hard to promote the place that they live . Tim 's a preacher 's son , and when he was growing up , the church moved the ministers every couple of years , so Tim has lived around the western part of Pennsylvania , but the place that he calls home is the last place he lived as a boy . Sheffield is about 20 minutes from us , and it is one of those towns whose citizens are very proud to live where they live . It is a small town , and they graduate maybe 40 kids from their highschool every year . It is a place where people seem to have lived for years . One of the biggest events that they do is a benefit for the fireman . This thing has grown through the years getting bigger and bigger every year . The culmination of this benefit is a fireworks display that knocks the socks off of anything that I have ever seen in my life . We live in Warren , and they have a good July 4th display , but this show goes well beyond that . Tim and I rarely miss this , and this year we got there a bit later than usual . We still had time to sit on our blanket and people watch . I watched a rough looking tattooed biker guy carrying a huge ice cream in the semidark , his head turning this way and that in a confused way . He seemed to get his bearings , and strode off purposefully , his long hair flying behind him , to give that cone to a hugely pregnant woman sitting uncomfortably in a lawn chair . She smiled at him as she took it , and he knelt in front of her as she ate it , and they talked , and there was no one else there . I saw two men , Native American , probably brothers , sitting by each other , and they talked non - stop . I watched their long pony tails swish back and forth as their heads inclined to each other again and again . Never knew that men had so much to talk about . I saw an old bearded fellow asleep on a blanket , and his wife sat patiently , cross legged on the blanket . He woke up when the fireworks started , and their teenage boy came , and the three of them sat close . I saw a woman who used to come into the Tractor Supply all the time . She 'd come in a hour before we closed , and then proceed to try on every John Deere tee - shirt we had , asking our opinion on how she looked , how it fit her . We 'd have to tell her , every single visit , " We closed 15 minutes ago . . . " and every single visit she 'd answer . . . " Oh . I did not know you closed at 8 , " and then head to the register , taking her time , stopping to peruse the items on the promo table on her way . She sailed past carrying a blanket , with a man that I also saw regularly at the store , although I never saw the two of them together . He was carrying two lawn chairs and struggling a bit in the dark , stumbling . She stopped and looked back at him , and under her white cowboy hat , I could see that she was not happy . Her tone was sharp although I could not hear the words . Small children cried in frustration , tired from a long day of carnival rides , up past their bedtimes . Big children ran through the crowd . They 'd taken two or three of those glow in the dark necklaces and linked them together to make great big glow in the dark hoops that they were throwing like frisbees , trying to ' ring ' each other . There was the fireworks display , and once again , it was the best display I 'd ever seen , once again surpassing the fireworks display that I 'd seen the year before . The crowd applauded and whistled and cheered their appreciation . When it was done , Tim and I walked back to our car hand in hand so as not to lose each other in the crowd , and we watched a fellow on a motorized mobility scooter for the handicapped . He darted in and out of the heavy traffic . He had no lights , although Tim said he saw some small flash lights on the front . He managed to not get himself hit ( we 'd have read about it in the paper . ) Around us , up in the mountains and in town too , illegal fireworks continued to go off sporatically . People knew that the police were too preoccupied with traffic control right that very minute to do anything about them , and so they took full advantage . Debby I 've been studying for the certification test . Two hours a day is what I try to stick to . I 've been using a manual . It has 300 practice questions . I answer the questions , and if my answer is wrong , I look the topic up in one of my text books , and I summarize vitually everything about the topic . It is a time of memorizing the Rancho Los Alamos scale , the spinal cord injury information , what damage happens at what level , manual muscle testing scale . It is reading and writing about the complications of diabetes and cerebral palsy . What part of the brain controls what . Every day I open those books , and I get a little sickish , because there is so much in there . I am familiar with it , but how familiar do I have to be ? Most astonishingly , I find references to things that I must have studied , but don 't remember at all . I will be taking the test on August 2nd . We are given five hours to finish it . I have paid $ 500 . to take this exam , and if I fail it , I 'll have to wait 45 days , and then give them another $ 500 . I wasn 't too worried about it until I heard that a friend had failed it . Ack ! My heart dropped , because really , of all the people in the class , I figured she 'd be one of the ones who sailed on through it . Immediately , my brain went into " Oh MY GOD ! ! ! ! I 'm gonna fail this test , and I will be working my hind end off for nothing , and I 'll have to tell Tim that I need to take $ 500 MORE and then . . . " I went up and spent the day with a friend who 'd just had surgery . She was my scrabble partner during those dark cancer days . We spent a lot of time together then , and this was my chance to pay her back , at least in part . So we were playing scrabble and talking about God , and about our lives , and our husbands and our kids . We were talking about feelings . I told her about my test anxiety . She looked across the table at me and she said , " You always do that . " ( " Do what ? " ) and she said , " You always look at big thing and you say , ' I 'm going to fail , ' but you never do , and you 're not going to fail this . " I studied her . " Really ? " You see , my friend knows me better than anyone on this planet , even Tim , because believe you me , Tim does not want to talk about feeeeeeeeeelings . Her husband 's the same way , really . We are each other 's confidant , and we have been so since we were 12 years old . Now we are 55 . She smiled at my own doubt . Yesterday , I was studying , away , and I found myself feeling a little hopeful . Superstitiously , I thought , " Don 't get over - confident , " and tucked that away . I wonder sometimes if my own doubts are the key to my own success ? Oh , and although it means nothing , I beat my friend at scrabble that day , big time . I even had a seven letter word that fell on a triple word . She said to me , " You wouldn 't beat someone who felt like I do , would you ? " I laughed and said , " Don 't pull that on me , sistah ! I remember getting my butt bDebby I 'm studying for my certification exam for occupational therapy . I also have ( yet again ! ) another stuffy nose / sinus headache going on . Three times since I started this job . I have decided that it cannot be a cold . Tim never ' catches ' it . It must be allergies . So I have begun taking allergy medicine . I have become one with my neti pot . Which does not seem to be helping , at least not yet , although on the upside , I have not died from a fatal brain infection , which would make it harder to study for the certification exam , I imagine . In any case , I 've been wandering about the house trying to figure out what could be the cause of all this . Am I allergic to our house ? Am I allergic to something on my job site ? The majority of my co - workers are smokers , so it might be that . I don 't know , but I 'd sure like to find an effective way to get rid of these symptoms . Tuesday , I went to sit with my friend . She just had surgery , and was having a rough time . I cooked a turkey for them , with lemon and rosemary , something that they could pick at and have plenty of left overs from . She felt it was too much meat for the two of them , so I came home with part of the meat , and the carcass , which she did not want . She did not want it ! That amazed me . You can make excellent broth from a turkey carcass , and so to that end , I dropped it in the crockpot , and let it simmer . The very picture of domesticity , hey ? Rushing about , I managed to pour the hot broth into a freezer container . I then managed to drop the hot broth while moving the container to the freezer , which meant that I also had to manage to give the kitchen a thorough cleaning . Definately not on my list of things to do that day , but I did it anyways . Kudos to me and my thrifty nature . * rolls eyes * It is hard working with young girls , because they are a clique . Because their relationship to one another is far more important than clients . Because their lives are so very dramatic . Because it is all about being cool . Cool clothing . Cool haircuts . Cool shoes . Because they are so very excitable . Because once one is agitated , they all are agitated . I am 55 years old , and I . Am . Simply . Too . OLD . For . This . My hair is not cool . It is growing out , and for me that is a very life affirming decision . It means that I have stopped being so fearful of cancer 's return that I , once again , have long hair . Well . By ' long ' I mean longish . It 's getting there . It is at that awkward stage , so I keep it pinned up , mostly , and stray wisps escape because it is not THAT long yet . My shoes are not cool either . My shoes are comfortable . I need comfort . I am walking daily , walking LOTS , actually , getting my 10 , 000 steps in with no additional effort required . I walk to town . I walk virtually where ever I need to go . I don 't use my car for much more than to get to work and back . It would have never entered my mind that I 'd be able to do this . Last winter at the Tractor Supply , I was in agony at the end of a shift . Now I 'm walking all over the place . I 'm pretty amazed . I dress to be able to move and to bend , and to work . Jeans and a teeshirt are apparently not all that cool . My life is quiet . Tim and I don 't have arguments to disect at work . I wouldn 't anyway . Who knew THAT was not cool ? Last night , a client came to me and said , " Go for walk ? " I was speaking to someone else , and held my hand out to him , but he reached for my chin , and he turned my face towards him . " Go for walk ? " Yes . We went for a walk . Our second one of the night . I think that the fact that he is communicating with people is cool . Later I was rubbing lotion on the arms of another client . They say that he has the IQ of a nine month old baby . He screams . A lot . But I have discovered a lot about him . One thing is that he loves the sensation of lotion on his hands . That amaPosted by Our company has left , and our house is once again quiet . Tim is free to roam about the house in his tighty whities without fear of embarrassment . It was a fun time , though , having a housefull . The Fourth of July holiday is over and done with . I will tell you a secret , if you promise not to tell anyone . I am not a big fan of parades . I mean , the first hour is not bad , but our town 's parade can go on for a couple hours , and once it was nearly three hours long . I pretty much had to go to the parades because Cara was in the marching band , but now that she 's grown up , well , I could happily take a miss on the whole darn thing . But Tim likes the parade and he 'd happily sit there for a day , watching the parade and talking to people . ( He used to be quiet . He 's not so quiet these days . I think I fixed him . ) But , I digress . Because he loves the parade , I go . This year 's parade was AWESOME . Best parade ever . I run the risk of making local people mad at me , but the parade started , and we waited for it to reach us . I said , " Man , that sky looks dark . " However , Tim had it on good authority ( weather . com ) that it was not supposed to rain until later in the day . " No . It 's not going to rain , " saith the man , with great confidence . We watched the veterans march by . My friend Pauline said , " We 're veterans . We need to be up there . " And I said , " Um . What ? No . " But she 's a bit of a free spirit . So off she went to march in the parade . I envy her a little , her spontanaity , but still , I felt like it was important for someone to stay and hold down the sidewalk . And watch the sky . Those two things . Anyways , the firetrucks went by , and there ringing the bell on an antique one , was my friend Mr . R , in his Navy uniform . He 's nearly 100 years old and I am going to his house for dinner next Tuesday . Then came the marching band from Cara 's high school . We clapped and cheered , but the sky looked pretty ominous . " I never saw a white line like that in the sky , have you ? " I asked to my husband . I took note of his answer : " Gees . It 's not supposed to rain . " That did not sound so certain as his previous , " It 's not going to rain . " I heard the bagpipers , my favorite part , and then suddenly , the sky just opened up . We ran . There was thunder and lightning , and the rain bucketed down . I ran home . I was soaked to the skin . The parade lasted about 20 minutes , which was just about the perfect length for me . I saw everything I wanted to see . Best parade ever ! ( This is probably the part that will make the locals mad . ) We have a house full of company at the moment . . . a friend from North Carolina is in with her four teenagers . It 's been difficult for her to come home to visit with family , because her own family is so large , but we have the house for that , and so they come and stay with us , using our house for a launching pad , as they travel to visit her family members in the area . Yesterday , they were out visiting family and saying good bye to relatives who came in for the Fourth of July festivities and were headed back for home . Tim and I were busy too . A friend had surgery . Roofers were coming in to put a new roof on the old house up on the hill . Everyone was in and out . We just left the doors unlocked . I forget what a shock that is to city folks , but it works out well . The refrigerator is stocked , everyone just helps themselves , and the kids have their own bedrooms on the second and third floor . In any case , after a night of hospital visits ( we discovered another friend had broken her hip , so we made two visits ) , we went up to load up the old shingles to take to the dump . I ended up with ants in my pants , which is not nearly as funny as it sounds . I had to strip down and shake my pants out . They 'd crawled up inside my pant legs , scores of them . We came home after dark , and Pauline and her children were not home yet , so I went around upstairs insuring that windows were open and fans were running to bring the cool night air inside , and then we went to bed . I vaguely heard them come in , but was so tired that I dozed back off right away . . I woke up to see Tim 's shocked face in front of me as he stood there in his underwear . " I didn 't know Pauline came home last night . Her car is not in front of the house . " I lifted my head from the pillow , half awake . " I went upstairs to turn the fans off , " he said , mortified . " I opened her door and she was in bed . " " Was she awake ? " He sighed resignedly . " Yeeeeesssssss . . . . " I surveyed the state of his underwear and said , " Well , did she tell you that you really need to throw those out ? " Posted by A lot going on . Good things and bad things . A mixed bag , as always I guess . A few snippets : One of my clients is , for the most part , non - verbal . He does not respond except to swear , mostly , and I 've felt right along that he does not understand what he is saying . Still , when he is assigned to me , I take him for a walk whenever he asks . He ' helps me ' with the trash , closing the cupboard doors as I put away the dishes . I talk to him constantly , thanking him , praising him . I have noticed that he can dress himself without my assistance , and I tell him how proud I am of him . One of his goals is to interact more in a group setting , and that is a hard one , because he sits in his chair in the corner , and mumbles to himself , staring off into space . But yesterday , a cool thing happened . He helped me , and I told him how wonderful he was and he stopped , looked at me , and he gave me a quick and fleeting smile . It tickled me so much that I hugged him , and he stood like a tree . " Aw ! " I said . " Give me a hug , " and surprisingly , he did . I almost cried . Later , he came up to me and began to babble that he wanted to go for a walk . Never mind the fact that we 'd been for a walk four times already . I looked at him , and he reached out to touch my arm and stare at my face intently . By God ! He got his walk . I 'm excited by this , because I believe the first step to taking part in group activities is the awareness that there are people outside himself . Another snippet : We were at an antique store . We seldom buy , truly , but it is always good to see what is there , because sometimes we do see things that we want . We were walking out of the mall where we 'd gone to make a return , and I said to Tim , " Wanna stop in at The Attic ? " and he said , " Sure . " We blabbed to the owner as we usually do . She asked what we were looking for . I heard Tim say , " She has no idea what she 's looking for . " The woman disagreed , saying that she thought I knew exactly what I wanted . They were both half right . " In my defense , " I called out from the back of the store , " I mightA beloved family member has been ill . His death has been predicted before , but he 's always amazed us with his ability to bounce back . Still this last time , he 's been pretty ill , and hospice has been called . We went to see him , and he 's become skeletal , looking markedly different than he did in the Christmas photo right next to him . Tim took him a model of an antique engine , one that Tim recognized immediately . Uncle Herman has the same engine rebuilt and in his garage . It belonged to his father . Uncle Herman 's eyes grew distant as he thought of that engine out in his garage , how he 'd rescued it from the dump , pulled it home , got it running again . He touched the wheels on the model , turning them slowly , lost in memories . When we left , I gave him a hug , and he hugged me strongly and said , " I love you , " as he always does . He reached for Tim 's hand and gave it a shake , and said , " Come back again , Timmy , " calling my husband by his boyhood name . For some reason that made me tearful . It struck me that I may have received my last hug from him . By the time that we got to the car , I could not stop crying . The one thing that I know is that an old adage has been disproved . I 've often heard it said , " Only the good die young . " That is some bullshit . Uncle Herman is 94 , and he is one of the truly great people of this world . And I cry intermittently for the hour and a half home , hoping against hope , that he pulls another surprise comeback . Nothing would make me happier than that . Interesting snippet . I no longer go to our church . Our preacher is a Teapartier who believes Obama is a sign of the end times , predicted in Revelations . I get sick of hearing his philosophies . I did not come to church to hear his politics . I come to church to talk about God , and it seemed that when he made these statements , he was looking square at me , challenging me . I walked out the door , and told Tim that I was not going back . I felt bad , and it was a hard decision , but now that it is done , I don 't regret it . Yesterday , at church , Tim said he began to slam the president and democrats in general , and it happened . One of the leaders of our church interrupted , saying , " This is not the place for that , " and two other people spoke up to back his comment . The pastor was very surprised , and according to Tim , apologized on the spot , and changed the subject . He later began his sermon with another apology . I 'm proud of the people who spoke up in church . The only thing that would have made me happier would be if my husband had spoken up to add his support . I don 't go to church now , but Tim still does , every Sunday , which leaves the unspoken idea that I 'm the one who objects , not him . But all the same , it was very reassuring to see that I 'm not the only one that is troubled by this stuff . Posted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
You know , I shop in Goodwill a lot . I saw an adorable pair of clogs . Brown . I always wanted a pair of adorable clogs . I picked them up and saw that there were no signs of wear on the soles . These looked like brand new shoes . Did I mention that they were adorable ? I 've decided that I need to go shopping with other people . I need someone who can see past the whole " ooooh . . . clogs ! . . . I like clogs . . . " People who will say things like , " Well , yes , moron , but did ya ever stop to wonder why an adorable pair of shoes like that would wind up in a Goodwill ? Did you ever stop to wonder about why an adorable pair of shoes would show no sign of wear ? Did you ever stop to wonder if , maybe , just MAYBE , these might turn out to be the most deucedly uncomfortable shoes known to all mankind ? " I need someone who will say , " Hold on a minute right there , sistah ! Sit down and try those shoes on . You NEVER buy shoes without trying them on . " I do know this little factoid , but sometimes , when shoes are speaking to me , I forget about it . This brings me to another important point : My shopping friend will have to speak louder than shoes . I cannot tell you how many times I fallen under the spell of a pair of purty shoes simply because they look brand new . I just never seem to learn . Posted by It has been a busy time . I 'm doing the last minute cramming for my test . ( 3 days away , but who 's counting ? ) I 've reached the point where I 've stopped being anxious about it and am just wanting it done . Big things always tend to devolve to that . I find myself wearily looking at the thing close up and thinking , ' No matter what , at the end of the day , this will be behind me , and I 'll be glad for that . ' In the midst of all of this , I 've been helping Cara move , which was useful , because it gave me the fodder for my next column which I was able to sit down and tap out in an evening . I was feeling pretty good about it , and went to close it out , and somehow managed to click on ' don 't save changes , ' and lost the whole thing . It was the groan heard round the world . I wrote it again , while it was still fresh in my mind , and wound up staying up later than I wanted to . You know , we 've been having some wicked storms lately . Lots of tree damage . On the way to Cara 's , I saw a mobile home that had three large trees fall on it . That 's a bad day , there , when three trees fall on your home . We 've been lucky . We have two very massive trees in our back yard that we 've been contemplating . They keep the entire yard very dark , but they are ancient and huge , and they will cost a fortune to take down . Still , in violent weather , when they are thrashing and limbs are dropping off ( one landed , like a spear into the ground , and stood there at attention ) we find ourselves thinking once again , " What on earth should we do about those trees ? " Coming home from Cara 's , travelling due north through the center of Pennsylvania , the mountains go on and on until they turn into nothing more than the very distant blue hint of mountains extending on into infinity . It was breathtakingly beautiful to watch the far away storms from that perspective , giant jagged streaks of lightning shooting straight down into those blue mountain shadows . All around me , wherever I looked , I could see dark dramatic clouds and far off lightning . I loved that trip home . It got me to thinking about how I love to sit in my quiet house and listen to the rain trickling in the eave spouting , the hiss of a hard rain on the pavement . The rumbles of thunder . The sound of the wind . I haven 't had a radio in the car for some time now , and in the quiet , I have rediscovered the joy of small sounds . I have discovered the joy of listening , and hearing . That pleasure has extended outside my car , and into my home . I rarely turn on the television or the radio , preferring instead to hear the small sounds that have always been there , but somehow managed to get lost in the noise . The Amish regularly go by with their clip clopping horses and the rattle of wagon wheels , and I like that . It gives you a moment where you feel as if you shut your eyes , you might open them and discover yourself in another time . I like the sound of train whistles in the night . They give you a moment where you feel as if you shut your eyes , you might open them to discover yourself in another place . I like to lay in bed and hear the church bells downtown chime the hours through the open window even as my own clock in the hall chimes the hours as well . I must admit that happy synchronicity happens infrequently , because my clock has the habit of rushing on ahead , and I 'm always slowing it down . Usually , my clock in the hall chimes , and then a couple minutes later , the church bells sonorously intone their correction . I like the ticking of clocks . I don 't know why . I always have loved that sound even as a young girl . Maybe that 's the pleasure in it , the memory of other clocks in other places in other times . I have the keywound in the hall , but I also have a small key wound alarm clock in the bathroom . I lose track of time easily being a daydreamer , so I need a clock there , but I like getting ready for work with the ticking in the background , soothing me but keeping me mindful of the time as well . I like the sound of windchimes . I have a giant set of them that sound like churchbells . I have hung them on the back porch where the wind doesn 't stir them much , just enough to make them whisper to themselves , so that they sound like the echo of distant church bells . I found a small odd box at the Goodwill . I was intrigued with it . It has a magnet in the top of it , and it is filled with steel bb 's . You turn the box upside down , and the bb 's stick to the magnet . When you set it down , one by one , the bb 's drop onto some horizontal tubing and makes the tiniest chiming noise you ever heard . It took me a time to figure out its purpose , but when I did , I was plainly delighted with it , standing there with a silly smile on my face as I listened to it in the crowded store . I could not wait to show everyone at home , and for a buck ninety - nine , it seemed like an affordable luxury . ( For the record , everyone at home looked at me as if I were foolish . ) Yesterday , we had a string of violent weather . I was in a class and the lightning struck so close it looked as if it struck in the parking lot . Driving home , I could see that the wind had done a lot of damage . I got home and Cara was wild eyed . She got her new ( to her ) car the day Wednesday evening . She 's very proud of it . Power everthing , and a working air conditioner and CD player . Plus it is shiiiiiiiiii - ny . She decided that she did not want to pull it in our driveway , afraid that the little hump where the side walk is might cause her to scrape bottom a little , so it was along the street in front of our house when the storm hit . Much to Cara 's horror , a large branch fell from one of the big trees across the street on to a car , which sent Cara running hell bent for leather in the bucketing down rain screaming a little to move her car which was opposite the downed limb . The streets were flooded , so she drove it to the parking garage , where she parked it next to the two nicest cars she could find , a guarantee of sorts , since bad things do not happen to the well to do . She then ran the 10 blocks back home to make sure the house was secure . The power had gone out , and a window had blown in , but did not break , oddly enough . The basement was flooded , but we know that this will continue to be a problem until we get the new roof and rain gutters on this month . Cara did not know this little factoid and was quite upset . All 's well that ends well . No damage to the house , and her little blue car is just as perfect as it was when the storm began . Plus it was a perfect excuse to go out to dinner , grabbing the neighbor kid as we headed out . Just kind of strange that days after I wrote that last post , we find that one of our boys is trying to find a new apartment for his girlfriend . She liked her old apartment well enough , but they came home from the races to discover that the landlord ( who lives downstairs from them ) had shot his wife , who was lifeflighted out of town to a big medical center . Makes the fact that yesterday I witnessed what was almost certainly a drug deal happen right in the kiddy playground seem like nothing . That whole shooting in Aurora Colorado was just awful , wasn 't it ? Some folks went to a midnight ' Batman ' premiere , and somehow , 12 people end up dead . 58 wounded . The shooter was a gifted science student who inexplicably dropped out of college . He 'd been planning the whole thing for months , ordering ammo and explosives from the internet , stockpiling , purchasing weapons . I don 't get it . Like a great many other things that happen in this world , I don 't get this . How can someone do such a thing . But he did , and now there are grieving families , and traumatized victims , and funerals being planned , lives changed simply because a group of innocent people decided to go to a movie . The horror of this man 's actions cannot be ignored . It 's talked about endlessly , everywhere . The television . The radio . The internet . The newspaper . Magazines . No escaping it . This terrible awful thing happened . No matter how much reporting is done , though , the one thing that will never change is this : I don 't get it . I don 't understand his actions , his thinking . I don 't understand why he did what he did . I don 't understand what he thought his actions were going to achieve . But here 's something else I don 't get . I don 't get the mindset of people who live half a country away from this , breathlessly following every new update while mournfully pronouncing " It 's not even safe to go to the movies anymore , " as their little audience clucks and agrees about how dangerous our world is . What the hell ? ! ! ! The fact of the matter is this : This is not everyday life for most of America , thank God . It IS safe to go to the movies . Just that one awful day , in that one awful theater , something awful did happen , and believe you me , my heart breaks for those people and their families . But I don 't understand people who are so quick to take a catastrophe and make it their own , to personalize it , to turn it into their own life changing event . That 's just craziness , idle talk of the over dramatic . I just have no patience for people like this . We are perfectly capable of realistically watching the news , and accurately assessing a tragedy like that as a terrible thing that happened , something that is not likely to happen on a regular basis , but a truly horrific event for those involved . We might decide to do something to help those people . We can avoid fearmongering . We are intelligent people , aren 't we ? Aren 't we ? * crickets * Sometimes , people will say things in a comment that set me to thinking , and Laura Jane did it this time . She said , " One day you will overcome your thrifty self and spend a few dimes more on that kind of soap , and lather up in memory of your mom . " I spent the day pondering my thrifty self . Is there such a thing as being too thrifty ? I 'm a very practical person . I grew up in a family where self - indulgence was considered a shameful thing . I grew into a woman who did not have the opportunity to spend on herself . Money was very tight . The children came first . Now I am 55 , and I am in a strange place . I am at a place in my life where Tim and I are comfortable . We do not have to worry about every dime . We don 't worry about every dime . At work the other day , I listened to a woman explain that she works because she needs the paycheck , and for the first time , I realized that is not the reason that I work . It was quite a moment . Tim and I are not rich , not by any means , but we are comfortable . The reason that we are comfortable is due , in part , to the fact that we have been very careful stewards of whatever money we had . We were careful in our spending . We don 't buy new , for the most part . That has been the backbone of our financial success , and it never ceases to amaze me what people sell . They sell a perfectly good couch because they are going with a different look . Or they rip out a perfectly good kitchen because they want a new kitchen . They upgrade their cars when the cars are in perfectly good shape . And yes . When one bath soap is 20 cents cheaper than another , I buy the other soap . Being thrifty can be a bad thing , I suppose , but I really do have a good time with it . I stop into the op shop a couple times a week just to see what they have . I may not buy anything , but sometimes , I find quite remarkable things that are just what I needed . One of the things that I 've been needing for some time is a cushion set for my wicker furniture . ( Yes , it is the same black painted wicker furniture that was sitting in a yard with a free sign ) . I 've been loathe to spend $ 50 on cushioning , and so I haven 't . But I went into the Goodwill and was shocked to smitherines to discover just what I needed , a settee cushion and matching chair cushion . I have never seen such a thing in that store before , but there it was . For a total of less than $ 4 . I got what I 'd been looking for right along . I love the thrill of discoveries like that , and it was fun to find accessories to match the cushions because they were not the color that I 'd been looking for , and that required a few changes . Because I 'd only spent four dollars , I felt entitled to spend the extra for the accessories . Total price of that entire little reading nook ? About $ 35 , including the white 5 x 7 rug , the wicker furniture , the cushions , and the white paint we sprayed that old furniture with . I already had most of the pictures for the wall , and a friend , knowing that it was meant to be a quiet place to read to small children gave me another picture of a small boy in a big chair sitting in a large open room engrossed in a book . It was the perfect final touch . I love that little space . I 'm assembling the other rooms like that too , seeing things that will fit . The guest room upstairs is slowly coming together , each purchase bringing it closer to completion . Tim 's ' man cave ' is done , with the exception of maybe a buffalo skin rug for the floor . We 're still good naturedly arguing on that point . He 's excited about his buffalo head , and he wants the rest of him on the floor . Me ? I think they 're ugly , and can you even vacuum a buffalo hide ? We 've had a fun time , filling the house with things that we have searched out and bought carefully . Tim 's as involved in this process as I am , and it tickles me because I never would have guessed that he was like this . He is though . I realized it when he painted the kitchen three timeCara came home yesterday for a few hours . She 's just gotten her first ' very own ' apartment , a studio . She 's very careful about what she wants . Tim and I are giving her a desk for graduation , and she knows exactly what she wants . As soon as she actually finds one that meets her exacting standards , we will buy it for her . But we went out and did some shopping . Bought some rugs . A toothbrush holder . Got more ideas than stuff , actually . It was a fun afternoon . As she was leaving to head back , she went to drop something in the garbage . " What 's THIS ? ! ! ! " she exclaimed . " It 's a one dollar coupon for toilet paper ! THE GOOD TOILET PAPER ! ! " She was getting louder as she fished it out . " Gees , you people get your fancy house , and your fancy stuff , and suddenly you 're throwing away dollars in the trash can ! " It made me laugh . Thriftiness is a tool , one that has opened doors to things that I never would have dreamed possible . I suppose that it can be overdone , as Laura Jane pointed out . Thriftiness could suck the pleasure right out of life , but after thinking it through , I realized that I never have truely deprived myself . Sometimes I defer my small pleasures , but in the end , I lead a very pleasant life . Posted by According to the buzz on my facebook , the Westboro Baptist Church is planning to come and picket a military funeral here in Warren . This is unverified , since the funeral is not listed on their website , but I think that it is important to be there if you can , so that if they do show up , there is a solid wall of people between their hateful signs and the soldier 's family and friends . Posted by I studied and then I headed into the bathroom to take a shower . I reached into the shower , and got the water running . I was about to highstep into the clawfoot tub when I realized that I needed another bar of soap . When I went through the things at my mother 's house last month , I took her soap . Sounds funny , doesn 't it ? It was a brand I like , but when I buy it for myself , it is generally something I do to treat myself . It 's more expensive then the soap I usually buy . She had bought a six bar package of it . Two bars were missing . Impulsively , I took the package with the remaining four bars of soap . I 've been using that soap , and I 've been thinking of my mother . Today , when I realized that I needed to grab soap , I stepped back from that tub and reached for the shelf . When I grabbed that package of soap from the bin , I realized that there was one bar left . One . I stood holding it as the bathroom steamed up . I thought , " Mom bought this soap never dreaming that she would not live to use it up . " For some reason , that made me sad . I threw away the plastic wrapping that the six bars of soap came in , but I put the box with the last bar of soap back in the bin . I grabbed a bar of aloe soap , highstepped over the clawfoot tub , and took my shower . I don 't know if I can bring myself to use that last bar of soap . And for the life of me , I don 't know why . Mary and Danny came to visit , and we drafted Danny to help us wrassle the buffalo head to the wall . The poor thing had been lying on a reload table that had been hauled into the library for that very purpose . It 's been what ? Three months now ? and the reload table was showing every sign of becoming a permanent part of the decor . Mary and Danny are both hunters and have a home filled with taxidermied things . Mary was anxious for Danny to see the buffalo , because she thinks that it is pretty cool herself , and that gave us the perfect segueway . " Danny ! ! ! Old friend ! ! ! You can help us hang a buffalo ! ! ! " Danny is always up for the chance to do something he 's never done before , and lucky for us , he 'd never hung a buffalo , so he was enthusiastic . Kind of rare when you draft someone to help you and they 're enthusiastic too . It 's pretty cool when things work out , isn 't it ? In any case , we heave 'd and we ho 'd and Mary had to take a miss on all the entertainment being on postsurgical restrictions . She sat on the couch and supervised , and the buffalo was slowly moved into place . It 's been quite an ordeal because the darn thing is so heavy . The buffalo was hung before , and quickly unhung because it was evident that the hook was not sturdy enough . Tim then created his own hook out of rebar and reinforced that . He did some work on the actual back of the mount , where the blacksmithed metal hanger had given way . This time , the buffalo went up , and ( miracles of miracles ) he stayed there . We stood gazing at him , holding our collective breath a bit , but he showed no signs of wandering off . We heard no ominous sounds that the wall was about to give way . Emboldened , Danny reached up and plucked the curtain valance off his horn . Tim said , " I did that wrong . " I said , " What ? ! ! ! " Tim said , " Well , I centered the hook on the wall . I should have put the whole thing about a half foot to the right to account for the curtains . Long pause . Nobody said anything . We knew he was right , but the idea of wrassling that buffalo back down off the wall was a bit more than any of us was willing to think on at the moment . I also knew that if that head came down , it would be placed back on the reload table , and it would sit there for another several months , because Tim would have to remove his homemade hook , with all the reinforcement . He would have to patch the damage to the wall . He would have to paint the wall . He would have to reinstall the hook . He 's a busy man , and I hate to nag him because I know how hard he works , but still . Oh . . . still ! . . . I was darn sick of that table . In the end , he decided that we would leave it that way . For now . That 's the way he puts things . " For now . " It leaves his options open . We trooped back to the kitchen and had cold drinks . Danny was entertaining Tim with a story about how he had a groundhog in his yard , and they 've been doing quite a bit of damage to the garden , so he got excitedPosted by I 've been stressing a little over this upcoming certification exam . . . coming up August 2nd . I 'm studying for it , but I am tired of studying too . I want to do other stuff , * whine * but I 've spent too much money for to get signed up for this test to not take it . At work , I need to take a med - passing course that will allow me to work without direct supervision . Originally , this was planned for mid - August , but suddenly , they wanted it done ASAP . They need me to have that certification to move into my next postion , and now , I 'm taking this course next week . NEXT WEEK ! Before my big test , not after . There 's pre - requisites , everything 's top priority . ( * pant , pant , puff * ) Suddenly , everything is about books and studying , and . . . well . . . ACK ! ~ Just ACK ! This morning I got up stressing about the deadline on a column . No real ideas on what to write about , just a few half thought through notions . There on the front page of the paper was my inspiration . I sat down and wrote that column out in one hour . I believe that it was a record for me . Unexpectedly , I received the message that a sale for a Lane cedar chest had fallen through . I 'd put my name in line for the item , but never figured that I would get it . I leapt into the shower and left the house with wet hair . I got it . For $ 20 , believe it or not . I got home and sat down to study for my allotted two hours . It 's all the time that I had . I have to head out to meet a lady . I 'd made another on line purchase earlier in the week . Two of the coolest antique chairs that I 'd ever seen . $ 10 ea / $ 20 for the matched pair . I already know where I want to put them . I 'm working hard , but all that stress and pressure I felt has eased back from this morning . What I feel , instead , is . . . well . . . productive . I have begun taking pictures of the house , in full light . Unfortunately , right this minute , I don 't have time to assemble them into a post . You 've all been so patient . . . I hope you will give me two more weeks . Our county contains a number of small towns . Some of those towns have a great civic pride , and their people work very hard to promote the place that they live . Tim 's a preacher 's son , and when he was growing up , the church moved the ministers every couple of years , so Tim has lived around the western part of Pennsylvania , but the place that he calls home is the last place he lived as a boy . Sheffield is about 20 minutes from us , and it is one of those towns whose citizens are very proud to live where they live . It is a small town , and they graduate maybe 40 kids from their highschool every year . It is a place where people seem to have lived for years . One of the biggest events that they do is a benefit for the fireman . This thing has grown through the years getting bigger and bigger every year . The culmination of this benefit is a fireworks display that knocks the socks off of anything that I have ever seen in my life . We live in Warren , and they have a good July 4th display , but this show goes well beyond that . Tim and I rarely miss this , and this year we got there a bit later than usual . We still had time to sit on our blanket and people watch . I watched a rough looking tattooed biker guy carrying a huge ice cream in the semidark , his head turning this way and that in a confused way . He seemed to get his bearings , and strode off purposefully , his long hair flying behind him , to give that cone to a hugely pregnant woman sitting uncomfortably in a lawn chair . She smiled at him as she took it , and he knelt in front of her as she ate it , and they talked , and there was no one else there . I saw two men , Native American , probably brothers , sitting by each other , and they talked non - stop . I watched their long pony tails swish back and forth as their heads inclined to each other again and again . Never knew that men had so much to talk about . I saw an old bearded fellow asleep on a blanket , and his wife sat patiently , cross legged on the blanket . He woke up when the fireworks started , and their teenage boy came , and the three of them sat close . I saw a woman who used to come into the Tractor Supply all the time . She 'd come in a hour before we closed , and then proceed to try on every John Deere tee - shirt we had , asking our opinion on how she looked , how it fit her . We 'd have to tell her , every single visit , " We closed 15 minutes ago . . . " and every single visit she 'd answer . . . " Oh . I did not know you closed at 8 , " and then head to the register , taking her time , stopping to peruse the items on the promo table on her way . She sailed past carrying a blanket , with a man that I also saw regularly at the store , although I never saw the two of them together . He was carrying two lawn chairs and struggling a bit in the dark , stumbling . She stopped and looked back at him , and under her white cowboy hat , I could see that she was not happy . Her tone was sharp although I could not hear the words . Small children cried in frustration , tired from a long day of carnival rides , up past their bedtimes . Big children ran through the crowd . They 'd taken two or three of those glow in the dark necklaces and linked them together to make great big glow in the dark hoops that they were throwing like frisbees , trying to ' ring ' each other . There was the fireworks display , and once again , it was the best display I 'd ever seen , once again surpassing the fireworks display that I 'd seen the year before . The crowd applauded and whistled and cheered their appreciation . When it was done , Tim and I walked back to our car hand in hand so as not to lose each other in the crowd , and we watched a fellow on a motorized mobility scooter for the handicapped . He darted in and out of the heavy traffic . He had no lights , although Tim said he saw some small flash lights on the front . He managed to not get himself hit ( we 'd have read about it in the paper . ) Around us , up in the mountains and in town too , illegal fireworks continued to go off sporatically . People knew that the police were too preoccupied with traffic control right that very minute to do anything about them , and so they took full advantage . Debby I 've been studying for the certification test . Two hours a day is what I try to stick to . I 've been using a manual . It has 300 practice questions . I answer the questions , and if my answer is wrong , I look the topic up in one of my text books , and I summarize vitually everything about the topic . It is a time of memorizing the Rancho Los Alamos scale , the spinal cord injury information , what damage happens at what level , manual muscle testing scale . It is reading and writing about the complications of diabetes and cerebral palsy . What part of the brain controls what . Every day I open those books , and I get a little sickish , because there is so much in there . I am familiar with it , but how familiar do I have to be ? Most astonishingly , I find references to things that I must have studied , but don 't remember at all . I will be taking the test on August 2nd . We are given five hours to finish it . I have paid $ 500 . to take this exam , and if I fail it , I 'll have to wait 45 days , and then give them another $ 500 . I wasn 't too worried about it until I heard that a friend had failed it . Ack ! My heart dropped , because really , of all the people in the class , I figured she 'd be one of the ones who sailed on through it . Immediately , my brain went into " Oh MY GOD ! ! ! ! I 'm gonna fail this test , and I will be working my hind end off for nothing , and I 'll have to tell Tim that I need to take $ 500 MORE and then . . . " I went up and spent the day with a friend who 'd just had surgery . She was my scrabble partner during those dark cancer days . We spent a lot of time together then , and this was my chance to pay her back , at least in part . So we were playing scrabble and talking about God , and about our lives , and our husbands and our kids . We were talking about feelings . I told her about my test anxiety . She looked across the table at me and she said , " You always do that . " ( " Do what ? " ) and she said , " You always look at big thing and you say , ' I 'm going to fail , ' but you never do , and you 're not going to fail this . " I studied her . " Really ? " You see , my friend knows me better than anyone on this planet , even Tim , because believe you me , Tim does not want to talk about feeeeeeeeeelings . Her husband 's the same way , really . We are each other 's confidant , and we have been so since we were 12 years old . Now we are 55 . She smiled at my own doubt . Yesterday , I was studying , away , and I found myself feeling a little hopeful . Superstitiously , I thought , " Don 't get over - confident , " and tucked that away . I wonder sometimes if my own doubts are the key to my own success ? Oh , and although it means nothing , I beat my friend at scrabble that day , big time . I even had a seven letter word that fell on a triple word . She said to me , " You wouldn 't beat someone who felt like I do , would you ? " I laughed and said , " Don 't pull that on me , sistah ! I remember getting my butt bDebby I 'm studying for my certification exam for occupational therapy . I also have ( yet again ! ) another stuffy nose / sinus headache going on . Three times since I started this job . I have decided that it cannot be a cold . Tim never ' catches ' it . It must be allergies . So I have begun taking allergy medicine . I have become one with my neti pot . Which does not seem to be helping , at least not yet , although on the upside , I have not died from a fatal brain infection , which would make it harder to study for the certification exam , I imagine . In any case , I 've been wandering about the house trying to figure out what could be the cause of all this . Am I allergic to our house ? Am I allergic to something on my job site ? The majority of my co - workers are smokers , so it might be that . I don 't know , but I 'd sure like to find an effective way to get rid of these symptoms . Tuesday , I went to sit with my friend . She just had surgery , and was having a rough time . I cooked a turkey for them , with lemon and rosemary , something that they could pick at and have plenty of left overs from . She felt it was too much meat for the two of them , so I came home with part of the meat , and the carcass , which she did not want . She did not want it ! That amazed me . You can make excellent broth from a turkey carcass , and so to that end , I dropped it in the crockpot , and let it simmer . The very picture of domesticity , hey ? Rushing about , I managed to pour the hot broth into a freezer container . I then managed to drop the hot broth while moving the container to the freezer , which meant that I also had to manage to give the kitchen a thorough cleaning . Definately not on my list of things to do that day , but I did it anyways . Kudos to me and my thrifty nature . * rolls eyes * It is hard working with young girls , because they are a clique . Because their relationship to one another is far more important than clients . Because their lives are so very dramatic . Because it is all about being cool . Cool clothing . Cool haircuts . Cool shoes . Because they are so very excitable . Because once one is agitated , they all are agitated . I am 55 years old , and I . Am . Simply . Too . OLD . For . This . My hair is not cool . It is growing out , and for me that is a very life affirming decision . It means that I have stopped being so fearful of cancer 's return that I , once again , have long hair . Well . By ' long ' I mean longish . It 's getting there . It is at that awkward stage , so I keep it pinned up , mostly , and stray wisps escape because it is not THAT long yet . My shoes are not cool either . My shoes are comfortable . I need comfort . I am walking daily , walking LOTS , actually , getting my 10 , 000 steps in with no additional effort required . I walk to town . I walk virtually where ever I need to go . I don 't use my car for much more than to get to work and back . It would have never entered my mind that I 'd be able to do this . Last winter at the Tractor Supply , I was in agony at the end of a shift . Now I 'm walking all over the place . I 'm pretty amazed . I dress to be able to move and to bend , and to work . Jeans and a teeshirt are apparently not all that cool . My life is quiet . Tim and I don 't have arguments to disect at work . I wouldn 't anyway . Who knew THAT was not cool ? Last night , a client came to me and said , " Go for walk ? " I was speaking to someone else , and held my hand out to him , but he reached for my chin , and he turned my face towards him . " Go for walk ? " Yes . We went for a walk . Our second one of the night . I think that the fact that he is communicating with people is cool . Later I was rubbing lotion on the arms of another client . They say that he has the IQ of a nine month old baby . He screams . A lot . But I have discovered a lot about him . One thing is that he loves the sensation of lotion on his hands . That amaPosted by Our company has left , and our house is once again quiet . Tim is free to roam about the house in his tighty whities without fear of embarrassment . It was a fun time , though , having a housefull . The Fourth of July holiday is over and done with . I will tell you a secret , if you promise not to tell anyone . I am not a big fan of parades . I mean , the first hour is not bad , but our town 's parade can go on for a couple hours , and once it was nearly three hours long . I pretty much had to go to the parades because Cara was in the marching band , but now that she 's grown up , well , I could happily take a miss on the whole darn thing . But Tim likes the parade and he 'd happily sit there for a day , watching the parade and talking to people . ( He used to be quiet . He 's not so quiet these days . I think I fixed him . ) But , I digress . Because he loves the parade , I go . This year 's parade was AWESOME . Best parade ever . I run the risk of making local people mad at me , but the parade started , and we waited for it to reach us . I said , " Man , that sky looks dark . " However , Tim had it on good authority ( weather . com ) that it was not supposed to rain until later in the day . " No . It 's not going to rain , " saith the man , with great confidence . We watched the veterans march by . My friend Pauline said , " We 're veterans . We need to be up there . " And I said , " Um . What ? No . " But she 's a bit of a free spirit . So off she went to march in the parade . I envy her a little , her spontanaity , but still , I felt like it was important for someone to stay and hold down the sidewalk . And watch the sky . Those two things . Anyways , the firetrucks went by , and there ringing the bell on an antique one , was my friend Mr . R , in his Navy uniform . He 's nearly 100 years old and I am going to his house for dinner next Tuesday . Then came the marching band from Cara 's high school . We clapped and cheered , but the sky looked pretty ominous . " I never saw a white line like that in the sky , have you ? " I asked to my husband . I took note of his answer : " Gees . It 's not supposed to rain . " That did not sound so certain as his previous , " It 's not going to rain . " I heard the bagpipers , my favorite part , and then suddenly , the sky just opened up . We ran . There was thunder and lightning , and the rain bucketed down . I ran home . I was soaked to the skin . The parade lasted about 20 minutes , which was just about the perfect length for me . I saw everything I wanted to see . Best parade ever ! ( This is probably the part that will make the locals mad . ) We have a house full of company at the moment . . . a friend from North Carolina is in with her four teenagers . It 's been difficult for her to come home to visit with family , because her own family is so large , but we have the house for that , and so they come and stay with us , using our house for a launching pad , as they travel to visit her family members in the area . Yesterday , they were out visiting family and saying good bye to relatives who came in for the Fourth of July festivities and were headed back for home . Tim and I were busy too . A friend had surgery . Roofers were coming in to put a new roof on the old house up on the hill . Everyone was in and out . We just left the doors unlocked . I forget what a shock that is to city folks , but it works out well . The refrigerator is stocked , everyone just helps themselves , and the kids have their own bedrooms on the second and third floor . In any case , after a night of hospital visits ( we discovered another friend had broken her hip , so we made two visits ) , we went up to load up the old shingles to take to the dump . I ended up with ants in my pants , which is not nearly as funny as it sounds . I had to strip down and shake my pants out . They 'd crawled up inside my pant legs , scores of them . We came home after dark , and Pauline and her children were not home yet , so I went around upstairs insuring that windows were open and fans were running to bring the cool night air inside , and then we went to bed . I vaguely heard them come in , but was so tired that I dozed back off right away . . I woke up to see Tim 's shocked face in front of me as he stood there in his underwear . " I didn 't know Pauline came home last night . Her car is not in front of the house . " I lifted my head from the pillow , half awake . " I went upstairs to turn the fans off , " he said , mortified . " I opened her door and she was in bed . " " Was she awake ? " He sighed resignedly . " Yeeeeesssssss . . . . " I surveyed the state of his underwear and said , " Well , did she tell you that you really need to throw those out ? " Posted by A lot going on . Good things and bad things . A mixed bag , as always I guess . A few snippets : One of my clients is , for the most part , non - verbal . He does not respond except to swear , mostly , and I 've felt right along that he does not understand what he is saying . Still , when he is assigned to me , I take him for a walk whenever he asks . He ' helps me ' with the trash , closing the cupboard doors as I put away the dishes . I talk to him constantly , thanking him , praising him . I have noticed that he can dress himself without my assistance , and I tell him how proud I am of him . One of his goals is to interact more in a group setting , and that is a hard one , because he sits in his chair in the corner , and mumbles to himself , staring off into space . But yesterday , a cool thing happened . He helped me , and I told him how wonderful he was and he stopped , looked at me , and he gave me a quick and fleeting smile . It tickled me so much that I hugged him , and he stood like a tree . " Aw ! " I said . " Give me a hug , " and surprisingly , he did . I almost cried . Later , he came up to me and began to babble that he wanted to go for a walk . Never mind the fact that we 'd been for a walk four times already . I looked at him , and he reached out to touch my arm and stare at my face intently . By God ! He got his walk . I 'm excited by this , because I believe the first step to taking part in group activities is the awareness that there are people outside himself . Another snippet : We were at an antique store . We seldom buy , truly , but it is always good to see what is there , because sometimes we do see things that we want . We were walking out of the mall where we 'd gone to make a return , and I said to Tim , " Wanna stop in at The Attic ? " and he said , " Sure . " We blabbed to the owner as we usually do . She asked what we were looking for . I heard Tim say , " She has no idea what she 's looking for . " The woman disagreed , saying that she thought I knew exactly what I wanted . They were both half right . " In my defense , " I called out from the back of the store , " I mightA beloved family member has been ill . His death has been predicted before , but he 's always amazed us with his ability to bounce back . Still this last time , he 's been pretty ill , and hospice has been called . We went to see him , and he 's become skeletal , looking markedly different than he did in the Christmas photo right next to him . Tim took him a model of an antique engine , one that Tim recognized immediately . Uncle Herman has the same engine rebuilt and in his garage . It belonged to his father . Uncle Herman 's eyes grew distant as he thought of that engine out in his garage , how he 'd rescued it from the dump , pulled it home , got it running again . He touched the wheels on the model , turning them slowly , lost in memories . When we left , I gave him a hug , and he hugged me strongly and said , " I love you , " as he always does . He reached for Tim 's hand and gave it a shake , and said , " Come back again , Timmy , " calling my husband by his boyhood name . For some reason that made me tearful . It struck me that I may have received my last hug from him . By the time that we got to the car , I could not stop crying . The one thing that I know is that an old adage has been disproved . I 've often heard it said , " Only the good die young . " That is some bullshit . Uncle Herman is 94 , and he is one of the truly great people of this world . And I cry intermittently for the hour and a half home , hoping against hope , that he pulls another surprise comeback . Nothing would make me happier than that . Interesting snippet . I no longer go to our church . Our preacher is a Teapartier who believes Obama is a sign of the end times , predicted in Revelations . I get sick of hearing his philosophies . I did not come to church to hear his politics . I come to church to talk about God , and it seemed that when he made these statements , he was looking square at me , challenging me . I walked out the door , and told Tim that I was not going back . I felt bad , and it was a hard decision , but now that it is done , I don 't regret it . Yesterday , at church , Tim said he began to slam the president and democrats in general , and it happened . One of the leaders of our church interrupted , saying , " This is not the place for that , " and two other people spoke up to back his comment . The pastor was very surprised , and according to Tim , apologized on the spot , and changed the subject . He later began his sermon with another apology . I 'm proud of the people who spoke up in church . The only thing that would have made me happier would be if my husband had spoken up to add his support . I don 't go to church now , but Tim still does , every Sunday , which leaves the unspoken idea that I 'm the one who objects , not him . But all the same , it was very reassuring to see that I 'm not the only one that is troubled by this stuff . Posted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Will you venture all the way to the beginning ? Or maybe you 'll start with the next post ? Whichever you do - enjoy the story ! Feel free to comment and follow , all of it is appreciated . * * * * * * * * This one is pretty long - sorry about that . I just couldn 't find the right place to split this one up . So here it is , a long chapter filled with smiles , frowns , jealousy and pure happiness . Enjoy ! ALSO , don 't forget to go to the previous post and cast your vote for the heir of your choice ! * * * * * * * * One morning , just before sunrise , the family gathered around to celebrate Adelaide moving into elder - hood . She couldn 't say that she was ' ready ' , but she was willing to progress into her next stage of life . As she looked at her family , cheering for her , she thought about her first days in Sunset Valley . She had just moved there , young and alone , when she found Brian at the park for Logan 's birthday party . She had known from the moment she saw him , that she wanted to be with him , but he had just gone through a very hard time so she became a friend first . She waited until he was ready . Now , they were still here , still together , a son of their own , and still best friends . She had wondered before why he had never asked to marry her but she had also come to the conclusion , not long after , that he just wasn 't ready to be married again . He married once , a girl of his dreams , only to have her violently ripped from his grasp . She understood completely why he wouldn 't want to wed someone else , though she still dreamed of the day he would ask her . The sound of a party favor brought her out of her thoughts . Her eyes were a little misty from thinking but no one said anything . She bent down to blow her candles out and continue her life in a new age group . Hearing that from his mouth shocked Adelaide . She was very pleasantly surprised that he called her ' mom ' . " Logan . You 've never said that to me before . " " I know , but I should have . You 're the only mother I 've ever really known you know . " He glanced at his father with a small apologetic look , hoping he hadn 't hurt his feelings . Adelaide smiled , nearly crying . " Thanks Logan . " The family sat down and ate cake for breakfast and talked lightly of plans for the day . Logan would be leaving for work at the same time that David would be leaving for school . Emma walked Logan and David to the door and watched them both leave . She watched from the porch until David got on the bus , and Logan went into the building across the street , then she went to eat her breakfast . The day at work for Logan was mostly that - work . He worked on the firetruck , keeping that maintained as well as the alarm bells . Those had to be kept up just as much as the engine , and apparently Logan was the only one who would do it . It appeared to Logan as if he was the only one really working in this place . Agnes rarely did work , he always found her studying something and when there was an emergency she told everyone else what to do . Lauren kept everything clean so he couldn 't fault her for that , since that 's what she was hired for . She did seem interested in his stories returning from a fire , but never interested enough to go with him . The other two workers , he had forgotten their names , always slept or played Foosball upstairs . One of the other workers had very strange eyes and was always determined not to go outside until about sundown . Logan thought that odd , but didn 't dwell much on it . At home , Adelaide had decided to spend her day in the garden . At least most of the morning was dedicate to it . She had about ten plum trees growing , so it was basically an orchard , not a garden . Though this morning , she had planted about eight seeds that she couldn 't identify so she was excited to see what they would become . Brian spent his morning cleaning the house . It was one of his favorite things to do when there was no one else inside . No one to get in the way , or make a mess somewhere just after he had cleaned that room . He found a few balls that Emma had lost , and the dog was very happy when they were returned to her . David was at school trying to keep his attention on his schoolwork . He had fallen a little behind in his assignments , and homework , barely keeping his grades at a C + . Adelaide had spoken about this to him before , but he just couldn 't help it . It was hard to keep his mind on his work when all he wanted to do was play . Another reason for his falling behind in school , and his recent bleakness , was because Logan wasn 't around so much . He was an adult now with other responsibilities , and not as much time to play with his brother . David missed his Logan terribly . Logan was nearing the end of his shift , and there was nothing for him to do . He didn 't want to read since the books in the building were not that great and he had forgotten his own . The truck was done as was the alarm so he decided to play Foosball . No one else in the building was awake , so he played by himself . He had not had any emergencies to respond to this day and it was the first time since he had started his new job that he found himself to be bored . The Foosball table that he was using was on the third floor , which had many large windows . One of them had a good view of the park just behind the building . While Logan was playing , he saw that the park was quite busy . Apparently they had some kind of SimFest going , where people from the neighborhood could come and perform to the town . This gave them a great chance to get noticed by someone important , possibly even get hired on to a big gig or party . Logan planned on stopping by there after his shift was over , and hoped that it was still going . It would be fun to watch the show . When he was finally free to leave , Logan walked to the park to see if anyone was still there . There was only two women still remaining . Only one of the women was not busy , she was just sitting there at a picnic table . Logan went up to her and asked , " The show is over ? " She smiled at him , " Yes , it 's over for the night , but there will be another in just a few days . Did you want to perform ? We could always use new stars to keep the crowd cheering . " When this woman spoke , Logan 's attention was almost instantly diverted from his question . She had a very sexy and sure voice . He quickly studied the girl in front of him . She was definitely good looking . ' Great figure , ' Logan thought , ' She has pink highlights . Interesting , cute on her . I could date her . Maybe . . . ' " Uh , no . Not a performer . Actually , " Logan leaned a little closer and put a small smirk on his face , his tone of voice lowered an octave , " I 'm more into the dangerous jobs , saving peoples lives and such . " Logan could see that her curiosity was piqued . " I 'm a firefighter , and it 's not only people that I keep from danger either . I found a baby deer the other day surrounded by fire . " She did a little squeal of delight , then giggled . " Well that 's great , your a good guy for doing that . " She looked at him more closely . " What did you say your name was ? " He smiled . ' Excellent . She 's curious , seems like she could be interested in me too . ' He thought , then said , " Logan . Logan Fuller , it 's my pleasure . " ' This firefighter thing might be better for me than I thought . ' " Logan . I 'm Velina , the proprietor of the show earlier . Great to meet you . I don 't get to see many people that aren 't actors , or singers or someone trying to get attention . " She rolled her eyes a little at the last bit , then they both laughed . For a moment , though he wasn 't sure why , Logan thought of Lauren . He compared their laughter , the two women sounded very similar . " Yeah , I 'm sure . So I know what you do for work , what do you do for fun then ? " Logan inquired . " I don 't know . Whatever comes around I guess . Actually . I 'm kind of new in this town , and starving . A girl shouldn 't walk around alone at night , it 's pretty dangerous you know , not knowing where I 'm going and all . Can you show me to the nearest diner ? " She had found him quite attractive , and was trying to think of ways to keep him with her for just a little while longer . Her thinking was ; with him being a firefighter , a protector , a man like him would never let a woman eat on her own . She was right . " Oh , I 'll take you there . I 'm not busy . I 've got my truck right over there . " He pointed to the road . " Are you ready to go ? " " Just give me a moment to change . " She told him , then scampered off behind the stage , leaving Logan to his thoughts for a minute . " I would love your company , why don 't you get dinner too ? I 'll pay for mine though , thanks . " She had told him . They arrived at the diner in only a couple of minutes , since it was just a few blocks away . Logan was impressed to see that Velina wasn 't one of those woman who only got a salad to eat , and didn 't even finish all of it . She ate an the same size cheeseburger that he had , and fries on the side . The two of them also got a giant chocolate milkshake each . She even finished a few bites ahead of him . During their meal , they talked about anything that came up . Velina learned that Logan loved his new dog Emma , and that he had only been a firefighter for about a week . She also found that he could introduce her to the people she would need to know to become an actress . Though he wasn 't in the acting business , he was still a star and knew a lot of people . About her , Logan learned that she was Eco - friendly , just as he was . He also learned that she didn 't always pick up after herself , and she lived alone . She aspired to be the best actress ever , though has not yet started in that career track because she wasn 't sure how . He also found out that she had been adopted by her family , and both of her adoptive parents had now passed away . Logan took her home after dinner was over , he didn 't get out , but sat in his truck and watched until she was safely inside . He pulled away full of new emotions . ' That was the best , and most enlightening , dinner I 've ever had . I really enjoy her company , she 's awesome . Hope we can do that again . Soon . ' he was back at home before he knew it . When he went inside , the house was silent , Logan looked at the clock and was shocked to find it to be well after midnight . Quickly , he changed and got into bed . With all the thoughts of the night running through his head he didn 't not fall asleep fast , but when he did he slept great before he was up and out to work again . Logan remembered to bring his book to work the next day so he could have something to study . It was a book on mechanics . He and Agnes were both dedicating their work hours to learning . That morning , Emma was still asleep when Logan left , and she was not happy to find out that he was gone when she woke . After she had eaten her own breakfast , she decided to follow him to work to say her own good morning . Logan was surprised to see his dog walking into the study room , but he was delighted to see her . He closed his book and gave her some attention , smooching her dog lips and rubbing her belly . He made sure to hit her tickle spots and her favorite places to be scratched before sending her home . He couldn 't have here here if there was an emergency , in all the rush she could get hurt . When she left , he sat back down to read , finding that Agnes was no longer there . He had only been studying about ten more minutes when he got another surprise visitor - this one human . " Hi Logan . " Velina said as she walked in the door . Logan jerked his head up from his book startled . ' Wow , I love the way she talks , ' was the first thing the came to his mind , but he said , " Hey ! " Then he glanced around . " What are you doing here ? " He asked pleasantly surprised . Velina smiled , " I just realized that I didn 't get your number or anything . What if I wanted to see you again , or call you ? So I figured I 'd see if you were working today . I 'm glad to find that you are . " A small laugh escaped Logan 's lips before admitting that it was nice to see her , and that he had thought the same thing the night before . " Well I 'm glad you came then . Here . " He happily gave her his cellphone number , and entered hers into his phone right then . " I 'm nearly always available , call anytime . " " Thanks Logan . I will . Anyway , I have to go , busy woman you know . " She gave him another winning smile and touched his arm lightly before turning to leave . Velina looked over her shoulder as she was leaving , holding a very suspicious look on her face . She didn 't much like that woman already , and wondered how close the two of them were . ' Logan didn 't say anything about being in a relationship . I wonder . . ' she thought . ' Of course , it 's not like I have any claim on him , he 's not really in a relationship with me either . Yet . ' Velina sighed , ' I wish he was . ' In just the one evening they spent together , she had fallen hard for the firefighter . " How 's it going Lauren ? " Logan asked . " Busy today ? " Lauren and Logan had become near best friends over the past week that they had known each other . Logan felt very at ease with her , and even liked her to a degree that he would go out with her , if he didn 't think it would mess up the relationship they already had . Also , dating someone in his work - place could pose a problem , and a distraction . He didn 't think Agnes would appreciate if he diverted his attention to somewhere other than work . Logan and Lauren finished up work then left together to go eat . Logan got the truck from his own driveway , since he had walked to work and drove them . " You 're house is lovely from the outside . " Lauren complimented . " Maybe I 'll see inside one day . " She smiled at him . Lauren liked him a lot , and honestly wished that he would ask her on a date , but she wasn 't outgoing enough to ask him herself . She was working up to that though . To her , it was great to finally get some personal time in with him . They normally only talked during work . Logan didn 't hear her statement in anyway except ' I 'd love to see the inside of your house . ' He didn 't hear any indication of wanting to know him more personally . His mind was stuck on ' she 's my best friend , nothing more ' . " It 's pretty cool , I 'm sure you 'll be over someday . " He said through a little chuckle . They parked , got out of the truck and went into the restaurant . Little did they know , someone else was watching them . She didn 't follow them on purpose , she just happened to be in the same area when Logan and Lauren arrived there too . ' Wow , he moves on quick doesn 't he ? ' Velina pouted at herself . ' I didn 't give him something he wanted , so he went to her ? What a jerk . ' She paused in her thoughts , staring at the closed diner door . ' Well I guess I shouldn 't judge before I know . He didn 't seem like that type of guy . They are probably just friends . Right ? ' The thoughts in minds were a little different than the spoken words though . Lauren couldn 't get her mind off of how much she wanted to kiss him . ' I wonder what he 'd do if I just leaned over and planted a kiss right there on those great lips . Would he respond positively ? Would he never want to see me again ? ' She had been torturing herself with her own speculations . Logan mostly thought of Velina . What she might be doing at the time , or if she was thinking of him . ' Maybe if it 's not too late after dinner , I 'll give her a call . It 's almost the weekend , maybe I 'll ask her on a date . ' He glance up at Lauren at the same time she looked at him . ' Lauren is rather pretty , she 's got great eyes . what was it that stopped me from going out with her ? Well , it 's a little late now that I 'm interested in another woman anyway . ' Externally , dinner went without a hitch . The food was great , as was the company each of them were keeping . When the meal was over the two of them talked outside for a bit . Logan nodded . " Yeah , me too . Hey , dinner was great ! Thanks for the suggestion . I should be getting home though , it 's getting late . I 'll see you tomorrow okay ? " Logan gave her a friendly hug . Lauren felt every muscle in her body tense as he had leaned in toward her , she returned his hug while the inner voice screamed at her , ' Oh come on , just a slight turn of your head . ' She smelled his cologne , ' Kiss his cheek ! ' She fought the thoughts and pulled out of the hug . ' He would have probably just thought it a friendly peck anyway . ' She argued with herself . " Yeah , Logan , see you tomorrow then . " That night , not long after Logan got home . Another robber attempted a break - in at the Fuller home . Apparently the news had not gotten around the criminal world that you just can 't get away with it . Or perhaps it had , and they were each challenging themselves in turn . Adelaide was the first awake this time , and she wasted no time in dialing the cops . Brian had heard her frantic whispering , bringing him out of his own dreamworld . " Yes , the Fuller residence . " She said into the phone . " Thank you . " She hung up . " A robber , again , trying to break in ! " Brian was out of bed as quick as his tired bones would let him stand , and he was irritated . He stomped through the house cursing aloud . " Is this going to be a regular thing now ? Once a week someone tries to break in ? What , what is it ? Do we have something special they want ? " Logan heard his father 's outrage from his room , and joined him in going down the stairs . Though Adelaide was the first out , the cop and the Fuller men were only a few seconds behind her . Emma came as well , confused , yet alert . The policeman was the first to attack the robber , since she didn 't come quietly . Logan was again shocked to see that it was a woman , and not the same one as before . Brian slipped past the fight , to the other side of the hostile gathering . The cop was suddenly thrown to his butt onto the porch floor . He had lost . The criminal turned to run in the opposite direction when she ran right into Brian , jumping toward her for his turn in defending his home and family . Brian won that fight . It didn 't take long either , to throw her to the hardwood floor . He had an advantage , a weapon . A stake that he used for sculpting had been sitting on his dresser , and he grabbed it on his way down to confront the suspect . He didn 't think he would have to use it , thinking the police would have handled the culprit , but when that failed it sent Brian over the edge . Seeing that she was going to get away , he attacked the woman without thinking . He didn 't stab her anywhere fatal , and only left a scratch on her upper arm , but it was enough to distract her and stop the fight . Adelaide had been screaming her head off the whole time her beloved was fighting a criminal . She was not happy about it at all , she was even still yelling when the fight ended . Emma had her own thoughts on the whole event . She had never witnesses anything filled with such negative emotion and she wasn 't quite sure what to do with herself , so she emitted the same agitation as she felt from everyone else . Logan stared at his father in complete disbelief . Never in his life had he thought his dad capable of such an attack on another human being , he stood dumbfounded . The cop had covered his face with his hands in utter humiliation . An old man had beaten the robber , and he had failed . He was thoroughly embarrassed to be standing there and arrested the girl as quickly as he knew how , escorting her off the premises . The fight was over , and the police hauled the woman away . Logan approached Brian cautiously . " Wow . Dad . Wow . I can 't believe I just saw that . That was amazing , are you okay ? Were you hurt ? " Brian insisted that he was fine , a fire burning behind his eyes that he hadn 't felt in quite a long time , but it was dwindling to nothing now that the danger was over . He talked to his son , telling him again that he had not been harmed at all . Adelaide tried hard to listen to her guys talking , but she was feeling very faint . She stepped inside and get some water , but didn 't make it past the foyer . She collapsed right there in front of the bathroom . Only a few seconds went by before she woke again and stood up , still dizzy . " Addy ? What 's wrong ? Are you alright ? " Brian asked , suddenly anxious . He had not seen her pass out , but he had noticed the semi - vacant look in her eyes , and the slight reaction to pain . Not to mention she held her hand to her head . " What happened ? " " Brian , oh , I 'm so glad you 're okay , I was so worried about you ! Why did you do that ? I can 't believe it . You had me so scared . I thought I was going to loose you ! " Adelaide tried raising her voice to him , but every time she did , it cracked . She truly had been scared for his life . The two embraced while Brian assured her that he was okay . Brian pulled away from her . " Really , darling I 'm fine . Please don 't worry . But , " he paused , " this situation made me realize something . Something I can 't believe I hadn 't seen before . " " Addy , my love . I don 't want to die never having been married to you . I love you , and I always will . I want to get married . Right now , just you and me . Right here . What do you say ? Will you take me as your husband ? " Tears welled in her eyes as she heard him speak . She couldn 't fight them , there was no way . After the adrenaline rush outside , to this one indoors , she let the salty tears soak her cheeks . " Yes , oh yes , I will . I 've always wanted to . " Brian pulled out a ring that he happened to carry with him at all times , though he was sure it wouldn 't fit , he placed it on her finger . " Addy , I don 't know what to say exactly to demonstrate how strongly I feel for you . I love you just doesn 't seem to cover it . You are my world now , I know nothing else anymore . Be with me until the end of our days . I give you myself in that way , in every way . " Adelaide almost couldn 't speak through her tears of happiness . " Oh Brian , you don 't need to say anything . I know . I feel it , every time you look at me , or kiss me . Everything you need to say is there . I do , I do plan to spend every waking moment that I can by your side . For as long as we live . I love you more than any words can say . " The two of them , so much in love , shared a beautiful and lasting kiss that warmed their hearts and souls . When they separated , they just stood and stared at each other , studying one another for a long moment . Brian broke the silence they shared by getting little frisky with her , tickling her in places and trying to grope her at the same time as suggesting they finish off this wedding the proper way . Brian and Adelaide consummated their marriage long into the night . The next morning , they were more than thrilled to break the news to the children . Logan was very happy for them , and congratulated them many times . David didn 't really understand what the difference was , everything was still the same to him , but he smiled and said congratulations anyway because it 's what his big brother did . Later that morning , Brian and Addy went to the courthouse to sign the papers they needed to , and they also stopped at a jewelery store to buy her a wedding ring that fit , and a matching one for him . They called Dylan , Carla and Jennifer to spread the joyous news once more , and again they were congratulated . |
Sy 12 , 1018 - Sy 17 , 1018 This entry is part 23 of 27 in the series The Black IdolSimona felt like she was being pushed onto the beach . Gentle waves rolled over her slim figure . She sat up slowly and spat salty water , then took a deep breath . Simona rose on shaky legs and found she could stand without pain . A warm , gentle breeze quickly dried her wet clothing . She looked down on her body and noticed her tunic was torn and her arms and legs showed bruises and scratches . She reached up and touched her head , realizing her hair was tangled with seaweed . She pulled the seaweed out of her long , black hair and let it drop onto the sand . Looking up , she saw a group of people rushing toward her ; leading them was a woman with long , red hair . " Come , " Megan said , letting go of her embrace , and taking Simona by her hand . " The others want to see you , too . " She guided her toward the group of people who had been standing several paces away , waiting patiently . " Yes , father , and then there 's Mona , our little sister . You haven 't met her yet . " Megan interrupted with a big smile on her face . Simona woke from her dream . Never before had she seen her sister 's face so clearly in her mind . She longed for her dead twin . A throbbing pain distracted her from her heartache . Slowly , she lifted her hand , touched her hurting head , and realized a bandage had been wrapped around her forehead . She tried to push it off , but someone else 's hand stopped her . Simona felt a wooden cup placed at her lip and took a few sips . The warm liquid felt good running down her throat . She opened her mouth for more , but the woman denied her request . " You don 't recognize my voice ? I am May and you are at my inn , Spirit 's Haven . After the barge you were traveling on crashed into the causeway , your friend Kal pulled you out of the river and brought you here . " Simona tried to sit up . A wave of nausea overcame her and she had to lie back down . She heard footsteps coming nearer and then a door opened . " You can tell him that she is awake , " May said . Simona felt the heat from the stones May had tucked under her blankets . It made her sleepy and she relaxed . " Hush ! They 're swollen from your injury . I will put some more herbs on them to help reduce the swelling . Rebecca , one of the healers here in Dargon , should be here shortly . I sent for her when Kal brought you in , but if she 's helping at the causeway it might be a while longer . " Simona 's thoughts circled for a mene around what May had just said . Rebecca ? But Rebecca had been the healer in village where she grew up , and this was Dargon . Could she still be dreaming ? She briefly considered the throbbing ache in her head and decided that no dream could hurt that much . Her thoughts drifted back to Rebecca . She remembered fetching herbs for her sister Megan from the healer , years ago . The picture of Megan she had seen in her dream was now as clear in her mind as if her sister was standing next to her in a well - lit room . A small sigh escaped her . She felt tears welling up and her breathing hurt . " Simona , take another sip , " May said . Simona felt her head lifted gently and a cup placed at her lips . She swallowed a mouthful of the warm liquid . She heard the footsteps of several people entering the room . " Thank you for coming , " May said . " Simona fell overboard when the barge crashed into the causeway ; she was struck in the head by something . I think her wound may need some stitching . Were you at the causeway ? " " We were , " Lilike spoke up . " Part of the causeway fell into the river when a barge hit it . We 'd been helping people for several bells already when your girl found us . We were nearly done taking care of the wounded . I think all the people that fell in have been pulled out . " " Lilike ! " Rebecca chided her , " Don 't go spreading rumors ! Just because the man had only one arm doesn 't mean he 's the duke . " " I will take a look at that wound now , " Rebecca remarked . " I 'll be careful , but it 'll probably hurt a bit . " Simona felt cool hands unwrap the bandage on her head . As soon as the last part was removed she could feel something warm running down the right side of her face . She reached for it , but her hand was pushed away . " You will be fine , child , " Rebecca stated after finishing her examination . " The wound on your head will heal after Lilike places the stitches . She has excellent skills in sewing . When she 's done , we 'll replace the herbs on your eyes and you should be able to open them within a bell or so . The rest will take time . You will also need to be more careful now . I will give you a tea to drink to ease you through your pregnancy . You 're fortunate that you didn 't miscarry . " " What do you mean ? Pregnancy ? I 'm not pregnant , " Simona protested . " I can 't be ! " Simona heard someone giggle briefly ; it irritated her . " Child , I 've been a midwife longer than you have been alive . I know the signs . Just think back . When were you bleeding last ? " " It 's not my place , " Rebecca replied simply . " Let 's get that wound on your head taken care of . " Simona felt a piece of wood being placed between her lips . " Rebecca , when I was a little girl , I lived in a small settlement near where Kenna is now . I would go to our local healer to get herbs for my twin sister Megan . She used to get sick quite often when we were little . My mother 's name is Anna Molag and she was raising us without our father . Would you be that healer ? " " We searched for days and couldn 't find you . One evening , one of the men brought your ripped and bloodied dress back and we thought the wolves had gotten you . Your mother was in tears . And Megan , she was never the same afterwards . By Stevene ! Does your mother know you 're alive ? Does Megan know ? " " Mother knows . I found Megan about a year ago . She is no longer with us . " Simona swallowed hard . " Mother lives in Hawksbridge now . I spent the winter with her . I left her nearly two months ago . " " I 'm not sure , " Simona said quietly . " When we reached them , we found two men and a boy dead , and Megan barely alive . She was the one who told me where to find our mother . We sent their spirits on their way properly and then traveled on . I 'm sorry , but I don 't have better news , May . " " My uncle Ezra kidnapped and took me to my grandparents . He cut my hair and I had to pretend I was a boy . When my grandparents found out who I truly was , my uncle and I had to leave . He taught me the basics of reading and writing and handed me off to the teachers at the College of Bards . When I finally left there , it was to find my mother and Megan . And now I 'm looking for a mage named Anarr . He had promised to meet me at Spirit 's Haven . That was six days ago . Has he been here , May ? " " There is a curse on my family , and I need him to lift it . Anarr tried before , but didn 't have any luck . He promised to meet me here to try again . Please let me know the moment he shows up , " she begged . " I do , " Rebecca said . " Here are some herbs for her to help her heal . Just send for me , if you need further assistance . I need to go back to the causeway . The child of one of my clients is missing , and I want to help look for him . " " I will see Rebecca out and then send Kal up , " May said . " I 'll be back later with some soup for you . Now rest ! " " How could I have been so stupid ? " she thought . " I 'm pregnant and I didn 't even know it . What will Kal think of me ? " For a moment , Simona let the idea of her pregnancy sink in and then she felt the blood drain from her face . " By Stevene ! Kal ! The curse hasn 't been removed yet ! If I have this child and the curse is still there … " " No , " she moaned . " I don 't want to lose Kal ! I don 't want him to die when the baby is born , like my father did when Megan and I arrived . " Panic rose in Simona and her thoughts raced . " I need to find Anarr so he can try again . I have to tell him that I 'm pregnant . Maybe that 's why he couldn 't take the curse off . I have to find him ! " She pulled herself into a sitting position , fighting the wave of nausea that hit her . The herbs had fallen off her eyelids and she rubbed her eyes in hopes of clearing her blurred vision . " Where are my clothes ? " she mumbled , forcing her eyes open . She could only make out dark shapes in the dimly lit room . When she heard her door open she startled and pulled the blanket over her chest . " You need to lie down and rest . You were hurt and need to heal , " Kal told her . His voice made it clear that he wouldn 't take " no " for an answer . " I will find him for you , Mona , my love . You need to lie down and rest . " His gentle words and touch soothed her and she complied . Kal stayed next to Simona 's bedside until he was sure she was asleep . He had been quite afraid when the barge had crashed into the causeway and Simona had been flung overboard and into the water . She had been struck by a falling piece of debris from the causeway and then pulled under . He had jumped in after her and managed to rescue her . She had been unconscious , but breathing shallowly . Her forehead showed a gash , which was bleeding freely . Raneela , one of many healers at the site of the accident , had briefly examined Simona and told Kal that there were others more seriously injured that needed her attention . She had given him some bandages to put around Simona 's head and left without another word . He 'd had to stop several times along the way to let Simona vomit . When he had noticed that every time she 'd relieved her stomach her breathing had gotten easier , his panic had subsided . When Kal had reached the inn , May had recognized them both from their previous visit and given them a room . Now Simona was sleeping , and he was sure that something in May 's brew had helped that along . He would be able to go looking for Anarr without having to worry that Simona might get up and join the search . He regretted his promise to Simona to search for the mage . In his eyes , Anarr was a charlatan . Thrice the mage had attempted to lift the curse Simona believed lay upon her family , and thrice he had failed . " And he supposedly lifted the curse of Northern Hope ? " Kal thought as he got up and left Simona 's bedside . " I don 't care what his hired hand Edmond has to say about him . Who knows ? Anarr probably put the curse there in the first place and then played hero . And now I have to find him again ? " Kal let out a snort . He and Simona had first met Anarr in Northern Hope , after the mage had supposedly lifted the curse on the town . Anarr had said that the source of the curse had been a statue of the Beinisonian war god , Gow . He had claimed to have warded the statue , and the locals had thrown an enormous party in his honor . Kal had been skeptical , but Simona had approached the mage and had asked him to lift her curse . He had tried , and failed , but Simona had agreed to let him try again . So they had traveled to Dargon , by foot and then barge , along with Anarr ; a local man , Edmond , whom the mage had hired ; and the cursed statue . Anarr had departed during the barge trip , leaving the statue in Edmond 's care , and had agreed to meet them in Spirit 's Haven . The barge had arrived late , and crashed into the causeway . Kal had been too busy tending to Simona since then to think about the mage . Kal entered the main room . Only a handful of old men sat at a table , smoking a pipe they passed around . " May ? " he called out . " Good luck , " May said as Kal left the inn . Kal wasn 't sure whether she was being sarcastic or trying to get his spirits up . He assumed the latter . Kal heard the first bell of night and sighed . For the past two bells he 'd been wandering the streets of Dargon in an attempt to find Anarr . He had stopped at every inn he could find to see if the mage had found a room for the night elsewhere , but without success . Now , he stood at the entrance to the city , where the Street of Travellers crossed Merchant 's Way , in the vain hope of seeing Anarr arrive . Kal shivered in the cool night air . Along the way , he had tripped and fallen into a mud puddle . The fresh clothing May had loaned him was now mud - spattered and soaked through . He had not been alone in the puddle , though . While he had been climbing to his feet , a couple walking arm - in - arm had stumbled over him and fallen in as well . Kal shrugged . At least he was better off than the man he had seen fall from a rooftop into a pile of manure . Traffic on the Street of Travellers had dwindled as evening faded into night , and Kal was about to give up when he heard the pounding of hoof beats and the rattle of wheels . A carriage ! " Just like Anarr , " he thought , " to arrive in luxury . " Arms crossed , Kal waited for the carriage to arrive . His eyes were dazzled by a bright flash as a bolt of lightning shot down from the clear night sky . Kal blinked away spots of light as the thunder rumbled . When his vision cleared , he saw that the lightning bolt had struck an oak tree and split it in half and set part of it afire . Each half had dropped in a different direction , one smashing the carriage , the other crashing into the roof of a cottage , leaving a huge gap . The occupants , already in nightgowns , staggered into the street to look at the damage . Kal rushed forward , already convinced that Anarr was in the carriage . He imagined having to tell Simona that her mighty mage had been killed by a tree . If he hadn 't known how upset Simona would be , he would have laughed . He reached the carriage and saw that the coachman was dead . Muffled voices inside cried for help . Kal climbed onto the toppled carriage , shoved some branches aside and pulled the door open . He helped the occupants , bruised and stunned from their ordeal , climb out . Anarr was not among them . A bell later , Kal returned to the Spirit 's Haven covered in mud and soot , exhausted , and no wiser about Anarr 's location . He found his own clothes , cleaned and folded , waiting for him . Grateful to his host , he washed his face and hands , changed out of his filthy garments , and staggered off to bed . The crowing of a rooster woke Simona . She had dreamt of Megan again , the same dream as before . Carefully , she touched her head , felt the bandage , and remembered where she was . She opened her eyes . Weak sunlight illuminated the room . For a moment she stared at the ceiling , pleased that she could see again . Deciding it was time for her to get up and start searching for Anarr , she sat up and breathed a sigh of relief : her nausea was gone , and the pain , while still present , was bearable . " May took them yesterday to get them cleaned and mended , " Kal said and pulled himself to a sitting position . He rubbed his eyes . " I 'll go get them and bring some water . " When Kal returned , Simona took her clothes and the water jug and began to clean her face . Realizing that Kal was still in the room , she asked him to leave and then continued her morning ablutions . She applied her blue lip color with care , removed the bandage from her head , applied the salve , and then brushed her hair , making sure it covered the gash Lilike had stitched so carefully the previous day . As she smoothed her shirt over her stomach , she remembered Rebecca 's diagnosis . She was pregnant ! And that meant that Kal was in danger from her family 's curse . She had to find Anarr and hope the pregnancy was the reason that the mage had failed . If it was , would she have to end the pregnancy ? She shuddered at the thought , and then a realization struck her . If she couldn 't find the mage , she would certainly have to end the pregnancy . Simona knew that healers had herbs for such things , to be used when there was a danger to the mother . Could she convince Rebecca that this unborn child was a danger to the father ? Could she herself make the choice between the man she loved and his unborn child ? " It cannot come to that , " she said to herself . " We must find Anarr , and he must end this curse despite my pregnancy . " She took a deep breath to calm herself and left her room . " Yes , please , " Simona said , suddenly aware of her hunger . She ate everything May placed in front of her without speaking a word . When she felt satiated , she leaned back and momentarily closed her eyes . " We ? " Kal asked . " You need to rest . I 'll look for him . You stay here and wait for Anarr in case he arrives . " " I 'm feeling much better today , Kal . If Anarr arrives , May will ask him to stay . I need to get out and walk around . " Simona smiled at his concern . " Of course I will . Now , let 's get going . I want to try the barge docks first . Anarr might be there looking for word of us . " The third bell of the day chimed as Simona and Kal left Spirit 's Haven . They made their way through the streets of Dargon toward the barge docks . Anarr was nowhere to be seen when they arrived . Simona fought down a moment of panic at the thought that they might never find the mage . Simona thought for a moment . The barge docks were crowded , and they could have easily missed the mage in the press of bodies . " Now you stay here and look for him . If he 's not in the crowd now , he might show up , either on a barge or on foot . I 'm going to go check the inns . " " But Simona , I already checked every inn I could find . No one knew anything about Anarr . And you need to be back at Spirit 's Haven , resting . " Simona smiled . " Every inn you could find is not every inn there is , Kal . And just because no one told you anything doesn 't mean they didn 't know anything . I think the locals might be more inclined to talk to me . " She patted the bardic insignia on her belt as she finished speaking . " And I promise to rest if my head starts hurting too much . We 'll meet back at Spirit 's Haven at first bell of night . " Knowing that Kal would try to persuade her to let him come along , Simona spun on her heel without another word , the unsaid words still on his lips . Simona visited a number of inns that morning , but had no luck finding Anarr , or word of him . The only information about the mage that she was able to coax from the locals were legends : the same tales she had heard about him at the College of Bards when she was a student . The tavern keepers and their patrons were more interested in talking about the causeway disaster , and their own tales of woe . From a fall down a staircase , to spoiled beer , to a bird - dropping in the eye , Simona had to endure a litany of minor miseries . She was almost ready to give up in disgust when she came to the marketplace . It looked like someone had deliberately knocked down several of the stands . Fruits and vegetables were littered all over the street . Cracked eggs lay on the ground , the yolks forming a small yellow river around the shards of a once beautiful blue vase . A white blanket showed brown and red hoof prints and red stains from crushed tomatoes . Broken pottery and ripped cloth lay in the dirt . " Barney 's donkey , that 's what happened here . " The man wiped his face with his sleeve . " That cursed animal was pulling Barney 's cart when a wheel broke . That must have scared it , because it broke loose and went on a rampage when the reins broke . I tell you , I 've never seen a donkey buck , but this one did . " " Straight , but not much of an ending , " the man responded bitterly . " All I can do here is sweep up the pieces and fire up the kiln . If that cursed beast crosses your path , make sure you drive a knife through its heart . " Simona didn 't respond . Deep in thought , she made her way past the damaged section of the market . She intended to continue the search for Anarr , but if the locals didn 't know anything about the mage , she would ask about their recent misfortunes . After a perfunctory search for Anarr , Kal leaned against one of the pilings used for tying up ships , chewing on a greenstick , the dried shoot from a cherry tree . Kal knew the mage wouldn 't be there . He and Simona would probably never see the charlatan again . " Probably the best thing for her , " he thought . " Now maybe she 'll find a mage with real talent to remove her curse , instead of wasting her time with that arrogant ass . " With nothing better to do , Kal decided to watch the crowd in the hope of learning something about the city . He paid close attention to the conversations of the people in line and the barge masters . Most of the gossip was about the collapse of the causeway , who was injured , who was missing , and who had died . After a few bells , Kal decided that the people of Dargon were the clumsiest he 'd even seen . He had watched people run into each other and drop their loads , stumble over crates , and trip over their own feet . One man had even fallen off the pier , and two more oafs had fallen in trying to pull him out . He 'd watched two barges collide and listened as the pilots exchanged curses that almost made him blush . It made him wonder how this city had managed to repel the Beinisonian invaders . Some time after ninth bell , Kal decided to give up and return to Spirit 's Haven . He had just turned to leave when some angry shouts drew his attention . A burly man with a donkey cart had stepped out of the line for one of the barges and was shoving his way through the crowd . He forced his way to the front of the line , donkey and cart in tow . " That 's not enough , " the barge master shrugged his shoulders . " I 've plenty of people able to pay their way across to fill the barge . If you want on it , you have to pay more than someone else is willing to . " Kal noticed the man look around the crowd for someone to help , but it didn 't seem anyone would come to his aid . Kal knew the man had brought it on himself with his behavior , but he couldn 't watch him struggle any longer . He stepped forward and picked up the wheel . " I 'd best be getting back to his lordship . He 'll be mad that this didn 't get delivered , but as soon as he 's done yellin ' , I can get some dinner in my belly . Straight ? " " Straight ! Here , this should help , " Kal said . He stuck a stone into a slit at the end of the axle , and drove it in a bit further by pounding on it with another stone . As he did , he got a look at the load in the cart . It was empty , except for a single rucksack , which was tied down quite thoroughly . The sack was tattered , covered with stains , and had an unusual shape . Kal wondered what the duke was having delivered . Whatever it was , it had to be heavy for this man not to abandon his cart and pay the cheaper rate for a passenger on foot . Before he could speculate any further , the man 's heavy hand clapped onto his shoulder . " Straight . Pleased to meet ya , Kal . Name 's Rilk , and I think I owe ye a beer , but not tonight . Gotta get this back ' n take me tongue lashing . Maybe I 'll see ye again . " When Kal arrived , Simona was sitting at one of the tables in the common room , eating a bowl of stew . Kal 's stomach rumbled when he saw it . He pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down . " Not a bit , " she said , and the corner of her mouth turned down slightly . Kal felt like he had missed something . " He hasn 't shown up here , either . May 's been around all day . " " Didn 't . Lucky guess . " The corner of her mouth was turned up again , like she was amused , but her eyes were serious . " Anything else happen ? " " Straight ! These Dargoners sure are clumsy ! " Between bites of his stew , he started to her about all of the mishaps he had observed at the docks . Halfway through his story about the barge collision , she held up her hand . Kal wracked his brain . " Remind me ? No . I 've never seen anything like it . This place is worse than Northern Hope . I … " Kal trailed off as Simona began nodding . " That 's just what I thought , too , after I spend the day watching mishaps and listening to stories about them . Like Northern Hope , only worse . Remember what happened to us on the way to Northern Hope ? We lost half of our food . I slid down part of the mountain and got trapped and you injured your ankle . And remember what the people told us about their town ? That statue of Gow is here somewhere , and I bet it 's no longer warded . " Kal looked at Simona in surprise . " That would explain what I saw last night . I didn 't get a chance to tell you this morning . " He told her about the lightning bolt splitting the oak , and what happened afterward . Kal snorted . " Anarr ! That charlatan ! It 's his fault the statue is here in the first place . Let him deal with it . It 's probably at the bottom of the river , anyway . " Simona gasped . " The river ! Of course , it would have gone down during the crash . But how will we get it out ? It will take time , but I 'll have to convince someone to go down and look for it . How hard can it be to find a big black statue with rubies for eyes and a sword in his lap , even on the bottom of a river ? Wait ! What if it 's still in Edmond 's rucksack ? They 'd never spot it then . " Now it was Kal 's turn to gasp . The rucksack ! The strange shape in Rilk 's rucksack had been the sword on Gow 's lap . And the rucksack itself , less tattered and without the stains , was the same one that Edmond had used to carry the statue . " Simona ! It 's not in the river . I 've seen it ; I just didn 't know what I was looking at . " He proceeded to tell her about his encounter with Rilk . Simona shook her head . " I could , but we don 't know when he will arrive , and the guards will be busy dealing with all of these disasters , so I can 't ask them to wait with us . And if they haven 't experienced Northern Hope , they might not believe the story about the statue . Besides , if he 's up to no good , he might run when he sees the guards . Any delay will cause the statue to be in Dargon longer , and we can 't risk that . " " And leave all these people unprotected ? They don 't stand a chance . Didn 't you see what Northern Hope looked like ? And the statue was nearly a day 's travel away . Now the statue is in the middle of the city . Anarr isn 't here to ward it . We 're the only ones who can get it away from here , far away from here ! We have to ! " A gentle shake on her shoulder woke Simona . She opened her eyes and looked into Kal 's face . " Come on , it 's the ninth bell of night . Time to get up . " Simona nodded and Kal left the room . She took a moment to clear her head before getting up . She 'd been dreaming of Megan again , but she couldn 't remember the dream . Simona dressed quickly . She felt groggy , unaccustomed as she was to rising before sunrise . They had to get moving , though , if they wanted to get to the barge docks before Rilk . If her plan worked , they could get the statue safely away from the city , and return to look for Anarr and deal with her own curse . She wondered for a moment if the mage 's absence was her own back luck , inflicted by the statue . They arrived at the docks just before dawn , and Kal took up his position , leaning against the same piling as he had the previous day . After nearly a bell of anxious waiting , he spotted Rilk guiding his donkey down the street towards the docks . The animal was hitched to the same cart Kal had seen the day before , and in the cart was the same strangely - shaped sack . The donkey seemed to have a mind of his own and more than once Kal saw Rilk pulling on the reins to make the animal move forward . Kal waved to Simona and pointed at Rilk . The bard nodded and began moving toward the burly man . Kal watched as Simona crossed the street in front of Rilk , slipped , and fell down , letting out a scream . Kal ran towards the cart , but not to help her up ; Rilk was already placing her on her feet again . Instead he went to the cart and cut the rope that held the rucksack in place . Then he pulled out the stone that he had placed in the axle the day before , gave the wheel a shove toward the end of the axle , and ducked back out of sight before Rilk turned around . He watched as Simona limped away , and Rilk continued toward the waiting barges . Only a few people seemed to have bothered to see what had happened . He breathed a sigh of relief and followed the cart from a distance . Simona wasn 't far behind . " Why isn 't the wheel falling off ? " Kal wondered . A few tense moments passed before the wheel began to wobble . Then Rilk got in line for the ferry and had to wait while a passenger ahead of him tried to haggle over the price of passage . Kal was trying to figure out how to knock the wheel off without Rilk seeing him when the big man pulled the donkey 's reins once more as the line advanced . It was then that the wheel came loose and fell onto the cobblestone road . The wagon tipped sideways and the rucksack slid off . Rilk cursed and stared at his collapsed cart . Kal approached , picked up the wheel , and rolled it towards the wagon . Kal watched as Rilk placed the rucksack next to his feet , and lifted the cart . Kal took his time and carefully rolled the wheel into position . At the same time , he watched as Simona came closer , grabbed the rucksack with the statue in it , and headed towards the sailboat they had selected . She staggered under the statue 's weight . " I 'll catch her , " Kal said , as he dropped the wheel and ran after Simona . As soon as he reached her , he took the rucksack and ran the rest of the way . He dropped his heavy load into the boat and jumped in afterwards , closely followed by Simona . Moments later , the boat was away from the dock and headed towards the open ocean , leaving a screaming Rilk and dumbfounded people behind . " Straight ! It was close though . I thought the wheel would never fall off . " Kal said , having finally caught up with his breathing . " That statue is heavy ! Which direction should we go ? " " Sail north . It will take us away from any occupied land . We can just drop the statue into the ocean once we 're far enough away . " " North it is then , " Kal said and turned the tiller . He looked to the sky . " If the wind holds , we 'll be far away from Dargon in no time . " By nightfall , all Simona could see was water in every direction she looked . She could taste the salt in the air . She was thirsty , but had to limit her drinking . They had enough food , but the water cask had developed a leak and fully two - thirds of it had drained out before they noticed . She had little doubt that it was another effect of the statue 's curse . " Why don 't you lie down and sleep , Simona ? " Kal suggested . " There isn 't much you can do right now . The wind is holding . When I get tired , I 'll wake you . " " Thank you . " Simona tried to find a comfortable position and closed her eyes . The steady motion of the boat soon rocked her to sleep . When she opened her eyes again , dawn was breaking . " But you haven 't slept ! Kal , you need to sleep sometime . We 're going to be out here for a few days . When is the last time you saw another boat ? " Kal thought for a moment before replying . " It was a few bells ago , at least . Since then , I haven 't seen a single sail . It might be safe to say we 're away from the trading routes . " Simona shook her head . " ' Might be ' isn 't good enough , and we 'll have to make sure we 're a good distance away from the trade routes . Remember Northern Hope . The statue was over a day 's travel from the town and they were still plagued by the curse . We 're going to have to sail for at least another day before we drop it overboard , and you can 't stay awake that long . Show me how to sail this boat so you can get some sleep . " Kal showed her some basics of how to steer the boat , and reluctantly curled up to go to sleep , making her promise to wake him if she ran into any trouble . Simona listened carefully to his instruction . She 'd had little exposure to sailing in her life , but she knew that it was not as easy as it seemed , and a mistake on her part could cost them their lives . As Kal slept , Simona kept the ship on course . At first , she enjoyed the sight of the sun rising over the Valenfaer , the ocean breeze , and the salt spray upon her face . But the salt on her lips only reminded her of her increasing thirst . She took a sip from her water skin , but only a small one ; their water would have to last for two more days . She closed her eyes . Megan 's image was clear in her mind and she remembered what she had dreamed three days before : Megan had welcomed her home . Thoughts of Megan kept her mind occupied for several bells . Near midday , clouds began to gather , and Simona was grateful for relief from the sun 's rays . Through the afternoon , the wind picked up , while the clouds began to darken . Soon , large drops of rain began to fall individually . Simona leaned her head back , hoping for a drop to fall on her tongue . After a mene , one did , and she savored the cool moisture , thinking that at least the cursed statue could not deny her the simple pleasure of catching a raindrop on her tongue . She held out both hands to catch raindrops and when her hands were wet , she sipped up the water . Still , it was going to take more than a few scattered raindrops to replenish their water supply . As if in response to that thought , the rain began to fall in earnest . Simona enjoyed the feel of the drops upon her skin and caught a few more in her mouth before tying off the tiller and going to pull the top off their water cask so it could fill . As she returned to her place at the stern , Kal woke up . Kal looked up through the rain . " It might be more than that . Look , I 'd better take over for a while . Why don 't you get some rest ? " " Straight . But don 't let me sleep so long next time . " She rose and took a dipperful of water before finding a spot to sleep , using a blanket to keep the rain off . " Simona , wake up ! " Kal yelled and with a sigh of relief he saw she opened her eyes . " This is turning into a serious storm . I need you to move to the mast and secure yourself there . I don 't want you going overboard . " Simona complied . She grabbed her bag and the rucksack and sat with her back to the mast , looking at the sky . " Look at this Kal . Have you seen clouds move this fast before ? " " I don 't think that 'll work . It 's probably that cursed statue ! It 's drawing the storm towards us , or making it . Either way , if it gets much worse , we 'll capsize ! " With every passing mene , the wind got stronger and the sailboat was thrown back and forth between the waves . Kal had a difficult time holding on to the rudder and continuing to steer . More than once he feared that he and Simona would go overboard before they could complete their mission . He reefed in the sail before the wind could tear it to pieces , but he was hesitant to take it down completely and leave them to deal with the storm with no means of propulsion . " Hold on tight , " Kal screamed as a wave crashed onto the deck and soaked them both . As the water ran off , he noticed that Simona had one arm wrapped around the mast ; the other held the rucksack . Kal wanted to aid her , but couldn 't let go of the tiller . As the storm grew stronger , more and more waves crashed onto the deck and Kal found it more difficult to control the boat . " Throw the statue overboard , Simona . Drop it now ! " he yelled . " We 're about as far away from Dargon as we 'll get ! " Kal doubted that she 'd heard his words . A huge wave rolled over the rail . He heard the sound of breaking wood , and the deck lurched under his feet . As the water ran off and Kal was able to breathe again and open his eyes , he saw what he had heard just a moment before . The mast was gone , broken off about a foot above the deck . Simona and the rucksack were nowhere in sight . Only her bag , secured with her belt to the base of the mast , was still there . " Mona ! " Kal screamed , " Simona ! " His eyes searched the surface of the water for several menes , but he didn 't see her . Another wave crashed onto the deck and then , for just a moment , Kal saw her in the ocean . Her eyes were open , staring blankly , and her right arm flopped limply , seeming to wave . And then she was gone . As if to taunt him , another wave lifted Simona 's body briefly for him to see . She was even further away . Kal realized that she was dead and he had no chance of reaching her . Sobbing , he held onto the tiller , waiting for the storm to abate . Bells later the storm had run its course and clear skies were visible once again . Kal still hung on to the tiller . As he looked at the boat with its broken mast and missing oars , he gave up hope of making it back to shore on his own . He scanned the surface of the water as far as his eyes would allow , but nowhere was a ship in sight , nor did he see the island Simona had mentioned before she went overboard . " Mona ! " Kal screamed one last time , hoping for an answer , yet knowing there wouldn 't be one . He found it hard to breathe . Tears welled up in his eyes again . " I 've lost her , " he muttered , feeling hopeless . " I 've lost her forever ! " Dargon ThingsThings are Dargon - specific characters , places , or items unique to the world of Dargon . The Things below appear in this story . You may click on one to see its definition and the stories in which it appears : AnarrBarneyBeinisonBeinison PantheonbellBitCollege of BardsDargonEdmondEtrigan , RaphaelGowgreenstickHagan , MonaHawksbridgeKalanuKennaLilikeMeganmeneMerchant 's WayMolag , AnnaMolag , EzraMolag , SimonaNehru 's bloodNorthern HopeRebeccaRilkRoundS ' Dun , RaneelaSpirit 's HavenStevene , CephasstraightStreet of TravellersSyThystler , DarlaValenfaer Search Avatars by Sterling Adventures DargonZine is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution - NoDerivs - NonCommercial License . Reproduction of issues or any portions thereof for profit is forbidden . We welcome new readers and writers interested in joining the project . Please address all correspondence to [ dargon @ dargonzine . org ] . |
" Daycare " was not what I wanted to do when I made the decision to stay home from work with my boys . I knew that I was going to have to do something - I couldn 't go from being the bread winner to being the bread eater . I mean we wouldn 't have the $ 1200 . 00 a month childcare bills but we still needed a place to live ! I was thinking about part time jobs at Principal and Starbucks . There are 2 ends of the spectrum ! Then I thought - hmmm I wonder if Andy and Claudia would let me watch Miles . There , problem solved . Well , other people have gotten wind of my ' business ' and now I am having to turn people down ! ! ! I am a little lazy sometimes and I don 't know if I could handle a house full of children ! Anyway , I have decided to watch another little boy , Will . He is 6 days younger than Bennett and his mom is a teacher I used to work with at the Downtown School . He will be here on Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday of next week while his mom is in training and then start full time August 18th . I am so excited . They were here today for a play date and Will is just the sweetest little boy . I can 't wait to watch him and Bennett play together . What fun it will be ! The family I had to turn down was another teacher from the Downtown School . Her little boy Cole is 3 days older than Miles . It would have been like taking care of 2 sets of twins less than 9 months apart AND Harrison . Holy cow ! I know I could have done it and handled all of the work , I just worry that Harrison would have gotten the raw deal . In my experiences with in - home child cares , older children get told no more often and are left to their own devices more often because the younger children need more attention . This is so totally not true . Older children need just as much attention , just a different kind and I know how easy it would be to just sit Harrison in front of the TV to pacify him while I tended to the younger children . Anyway , Bennett has a horrible diaper rash . He has had diarrhea now for 2 days . At first I thought he had eaten too much watermelon and now I think heNarrated by I have a confession to make . Sometimes I swear . Not a lot and not anything totally vile , but the occasional swear word finds it 's way into my vocabulary . You know where this is going . Today while playing Cariboo , Harrison stuck his key in lock to open the door and he said " Nope , no ball . Damn It ! " I gave him my best , most serious mom stare and he said " Sorry , sorry . . . " And then he corrected himself and said " Maann . " I gave a quick " That was inappropriate " and we went on playing the game . But later I got a good chuckle out of the whole thing . He is growing leaps and bounds . He knew he was in trouble for saying something wrong and he dealt with it in the most perfect way . He didn 't get angry or mad or sad that he did something wrong , he just corrected it . Way to go , Harrison . Now , for all of you judging the way that I handled that - I don 't care if there was a better way . : ) I love kids . Miles was being a little figgity today . He wasn 't unhappy , just not comfortable . I held him , I put him on his belly , I put him on the couch , etc . He just wanted to sit . So I sat him ! Which led to Bennett wanting to sit and Harrison wanting a piece of the action as well . I love kids ! Honestly , who puts carpet in their kitchen ! ! ! Maybe you don 't all realize this , but I hate my kitchen . The cabinets are horrible , the stove is located in a place where I am sure someone will burn themselves just by walking by , the fridge is in the entryway and did I mention that it is carpeted ? ! ! ! Anyway , I dropped 4 eggs on the floor this morning and now there is another giant spot I am trying to get out . " Why don 't you redo the kitchen or even just the floor ? " Well , it 's so nice that you asked . First of all , MONEY and secondly the floor is uneven so it would need ripped out down to areas that I know nothing about . Someday , maybe . . . Not much going today . The weather was actually beautiful . We have been getting a lot of rain and it has been crazy humid but today was not so bad . The boys spent most of the day with Chris . He got the weed eater out this morning and Bennett went crazy bouncing up and down . Just like Harrison ! So they sat and watched Chris work for a long time . I went out to see what was going on and decided to pick a few weeks and Harrison yelled at me because ' Mooommm ! Dad has the weed eater out ! Don 't pick those ! ' He 's so helpful . Harrison , Bennett and I went to the Science Center last Saturday . It was pretty fun . Harrison is getting into the parts where you connect the fact that something he just did caused something else to react . This was very evident with the ball wall . He kept moving all of the parts and then putting a ball down the basket to see where it would go this time . It was great to watch . Bennett stuck to the basics . More WATER ! ! ! We also dug for dinosaur bones and saw a what I think was a T - Rex but it might have been a giganotosaurus . This is new since I was studying dinosaurs . Maybe I should keep up on things like this ! It might be important for a mom to know ! I have been trying to decide how to describe this book . It was a tough read . I think I started this book back in April and it does not usually take me that long to finish one book . The book begins and ends in the same place . Morrison does a great job thoroughly confusing you all of the way through the book and then ties up most of the loose ends in the last chapter . And I say most because she purposely leaves some facts out for you to imagine your own take on the story . This is a book that deals with the idea of utopia and the fact that in the end , utopia always gets shattered by the people who want it most . I do recommend this book to anyone who wants to be challenged by a book . Not your ideals or thoughts , just your reading comprehension ability ! Bennett has an obsession with dress up . He loves to put things on his head and neck and he is always trying to put on other peoples shoes . We actually have to be careful where we leave the laundry because I have caught Bennett ' wearing ' Chris ' underwear ( gross ) on his head before ! More often then not , Bennett is putting on hats . And the really funny thing is that he wears it for a couple of minutes and then takes it off and repositions it on his head . Fun stuff for a 15 month old ! When Harrison was born my mom got him a teddy bear blanket and the tag says " Hi ! My name is Billy . " Mom got James one as well and he was a puppy and his name was Rich ( I think ) . When Kaitlyn was born , Meredith 's mom got Kaitlyn Kami and she was a pastel colored bear . Well , when Bennett was born I knew that I wanted one for him just like Billy , Rich and Kami . I found Douglas . Douglas would not have been my first choice . He is white , for one thing . He is a puppy and has baby blue trim and again , is white . I didn 't really want a comfort item for Bennett that would get dingy after many washes , but so far it has held up really well . And Bennett LOVES Douglas . We don 't really let him bring Douglas out of his crib so the only time he gets to spend with him is in bed during naps and at night . Every time I lay him down he hands me Douglas and I have to say hello and give Douglas a hug and then snuggle him into Bennett 's neck . And if I don 't do that or forget , Bennett will remind me ! A couple weeks ago , while we were in Fort Dodge for Marc and Emily 's wedding it was soooo cute to watch Bennett walking around with Douglas . I can 't even describe why it was cute , it just was . The brand name for these is My Banky and they have the head and arms attached to a blanket and then the tail / body at the other end . They are so cute ! I even got Miles one when he was born - it 's name is Paddy and he is a frog ! Harrison had his 3rd day of Zoo Camp today . He has a blast at camp . He likes his teachers , especially Katelyn . We have talked a lot about his cousin Kaitlyn and his teacher Katelyn . And I guess there is another camper named Kaitlyn . Too fun . On Monday they got to feed the giraffes crackers and Harrison said the giraffe almost touched his hand with it 's tongue but didn 't . He also made a finger print snake . What he really couldn 't stop talking about was the ' tomingos . ' I love the way he says flamingos . It is so kidish and Harrison 's words are so not kidish most of the time . It makes me smile . On Tuesday he got to see the lions and tigers and monkeys . He told me all about how the one mama lion was sitting on a log and how the other mama lion was drinking water and walking around and how the Mufasa lion was walking around too but he wasn 't thirsty so he didn 't drink . And they didn 't get to see any cubs . It was so fun to listen to him tell me about his day . And he was so proud ! On that day he made a snake . When I came to pick him up he had a tube sock on his arm and it was decorated and had a tongue on it . He kept saying " Snakes say sssssssssss . " : ) Today when I came to pick him up he smiled really big and whispered " I have a secret ! " " We rode the traaaaiiin ! " How happy he was ! Every morning Harrison has been hesitant to go to Zoo Camp . I get the feeling that he thinks he is missing something by leaving the house . He never has any trouble with me leaving him at camp such as crying or carrying on , he just keeps saying that he wants to stay home . But , then he goes and has a wonderful time ! We will see what tomorrow brings . I have had a funny week so far with all kinds of kids . On Monday , Ian 's dad called and asked if it would be possible to watch him for the day . Ian is a school ager that I watch after school during the school year . He has some anger management issues that I won 't get into , but is an overall good kid . We had horrible storms the night before and were without power . I guess Ian 's camp was also with out poNarrated by So this afternoon , I got Miles out of bed and started changing his diaper , when I gasped and said , ' SHIT . ' What did I do to Miles ? My own kids get hurt enough . There , on Miles ' knee was blood . How did he get hurt and what was I going to tell Andy and Claudia ? ' Miles can 't crawl yet , but he has a skinned knee . ' This was my initial , 3 second reaction . After seconds 4 and 5 I realized that he had somehow gotten cherry jelly on his knee . THANK GOD ! I realize that someday Miles will inevitably get hurt under my watch , but not before he can even move ! Goodness sakes , cherry jelly ! On to other injuries - Harrison has the cutest habit . Sometimes Bennett wakes up before Harrison and then proceeds to wake Harrison up . Well , instead of coming out of their room , Harrison will get in bed with Bennett . Bennett is still in his crib so they will play in there for awhile and then I come in to get them and they are both standing up smiling and looking at me . It is too cute for words . Sometimes they are both jumping on the mattress . So cute . Anyway , Sunday , I had gotten Bennett out of the crib and was walking out the door while Harrison was climbing out of the crib onto the changing table . ( He does this , by himself , all of the time . ) Once he got to the changing table he must have lost his balance and he went head first onto the floor . All I heard was a big thump followed by silence , followed by a hurt scream . I put Bennett down and ran back into the bedroom and his forehead had already turned blue . Luckily , he only walked crooked for about an hour . And then , as if Bennett has not taken enough blows to the head already . . . on Monday my mom was coming out the front door to help me pick cherries and she said " He 'll be ok here won 't he ? " and I said yes . He has climbed down those front steps at least 100 times . I am not exaggerating . As soon as she got under the tree and started picking cherries , he summersaulted down the stairs . He ended up with his first puffy eye . He hit the side of the eye brow and scraped under the eye . Now you know whNarrated by So , it all started yesterday and I can 't even remember exactly why . Bennett had been told to stop doing something and to my surprise he sat down on the floor and banged his forehead into the carpet 4 times . I was amazed ! What was he doing ? ! I picked him up and comforted him and all was well . Since then it has happened at least 5 times and I was getting a little uncomfortable about the whole thing . I had called my dad this morning and he said " Been there , done that . " I guess he used to do that as a toddler . What ? ! I have been in the field of childcare for 7 years and I have not seen this . So , to the internet I went . To my surprise this is a diagnosed condition in children usually seen in ages 18 months to 3 years ( I knew he was ahead of his time ! ) . It is a comforting mechanism that children use . In Bennett 's case when he gets in trouble he bangs his head on the floor to take his mind off of the fact that he got in trouble . What a trip ! I consider myself a pretty with it parent but this has me amazed . He is purposely causing himself pain ! But , like most things that happen with children , this too will come to an end . No more comforting or paying attention to him when he head bangs . He will just have to get over it on his own . Poor little weirdo ! Harrison just asked me to throw something away for him and I said no . He asked why and I said , " Because I am busy . " I was unloading the dishwasher . He fired back " And I 'm not ? " in a totally adult , attitudish way . Lesson from this : answer with " Because it is not my garbage ! " I love a boy in a tuxedo ! Since Harrison was in Marc and Emily 's wedding last Saturday we needed to be there for the rehearsal and dinner on Friday night . Chris took the day off and we headed towards Fort Dodge at 12 : 00 pm to get a good start and hopefully have naps in the van on the way . After stopping to pick up the babysitter ( we brought Jessica along for the whole weekend . Brilliant ! ) , stopping for ice , stopping to pick up another tux shirt for Harrison , stopping for drinks and snacks , stopping to drop off the dog at mom and dad 's , going back to drop off cord adapters for the dvd player ( random ) , stopping in the street to talk to Randy , Great Gpa and Gma , we were finally on our way by about 2 : 30 pm . Holy cow ! ! ! We got to Fort Dodge around 3 : 30 pm and got checked into the hotel and then Nathan , Harrison , James and I went to the rehearsal . The boys did really well . They held hands and everything as they walked down the aisle . The whole experience would have been great except that the flower girl was a pistol . She got the boys all fired up and they were running around like chickens sans heads . Finally we were able to go to the dinner . Meredith , Jessica , the kids and I left early which ended up being a real bummer . I think I missed my only opportunity in life to drink off of my Uncle Randy 's dime . I guess the keg they got went dry and since there is naturally a bar attached Randy set up a tab . Damn my bad luck ! ! : ) The day of the wedding was a little chaotic for us . The wedding was at 1 : 30 pm but the boys had to be there at 9 : 30 am for pictures . Well - Nathan got out the door on time ( because he only got himself ready ! ) but Meredith , the boys and I were running a little behind . James was not having anything to do with his tux . And Harrison being the follower he has become was acting a little defiant as well . But finally we were on our way . We got there and they were running behind . Go figure ! With lots of candy filled bribery pictures went well . Then there was the waiting game . Waiting . Waiting . Waiting . The floweNarrated by So today it was off to the Union Park wadding pool . Now , before you ask - ' Are you crazy ? Three kids all by yourself ? ! ' I wasn 't supposed to be by myself . Meredith became ill and James was not wanting to get out of bed so the troops from Ames didn 't come down . I had already told Harrison about our plans for the day so I when I told him James wouldn 't be coming down , his little lip quivered and he cried . And then I told him we would stay home today , he sobbed . I was over come by his poor little heart . Getting there was easy . There is really never a problem getting children ready to go swimming . Out the door we went . Getting home was another issue . Wet suits and children who can not dress themselves was my biggest worry . But , fun was had by all and very little crying was witnessed . Harrison had a blast . He was the hardest to keep track of . He stayed by me really well , but still had the occasional run off to the deep end ( 1 1 / 2 feet ! ) . Harrison 's favorite part was the sprinkler 's . He loves running through them and watching all of the other kids do it made him want to do it more . When we first got there he would run in and then run back over to Miles and laugh in his face . Miles cracked up each time . Bennett took a little while to warm up to the idea of the sprinklers and he never really giggled with glee like Harrison but he did have a good time . A couple of months ago we put Bennett in the shower with Chris and he just went manic . His eyes got huge , he had trouble breathing and he just screamed hysterically . Well , not much has changed since then . He cries every time we turn the sprinkler on in the back yard . Today was better , but I think it will take some getting older before we can expect much more from him . Miles on the other hand would have been just like Harrison if he could have motated ! I put his feet in the water and BIG smile . I put his hand and arm in the sprinkler and BIG giggle . I wish someone could have taken his picture as I was holding him ! It was a fun time and when Chris got home tonight , Harrison toldNarrated by Miles can 't crawl yet ( he 's a little young ! ) so he just lays around , plays and rolls over . While he was lying on the floor today , Bennett came over and laid right down next to him . I was commenting on how cute they were and taking their picture when Harrison comes over and lays down . Can you believe I didn 't stage that ? ! Biker dudes ! Check out Harrison 's license plate . He got it from Nathan and Meredith last year and wanted to put it on his bike ! It was this hat or a John Deere one . I decided to make Andy happy with the Hawkeye ! Miles loves to go on walks . Oh - and I 've decided that he doesn 't need to be held all of the time but he does want attention all of the time . He loves it when Harrison is making funny faces at him . Giggle , giggle ! We were outside watering the new bushes and the conversation went like this . . . Harrison - " Is it going to rain tonight ? " Me - " No , I don 't think so . " Harrison - pause . . . " Are the dew fairies going to come and make the deck wet tonight ? " Me - " Probably so . " Harrison - pause . . . " Have you ever met a dew fairy ? " Me - " No , I haven 't . " Harrison - pause - thinking . . . " I have . " Me - " You have ? ! Where ? ! Harrison - " At the old house . " Me - " Are they nice ? " Harrison - " Yes , they are nice and friendly . And they live where the honey bees live . " Me - " Oh , I never knew that . " Harrison - " Yeah - I did . They are friendly to everybody even though the honey bees have stingers . The honey bees won 't hurt the dew fairies . " Me - " Oh . " Harrison - " Water the rock . That rock is big ! It 's as big as a wolf ! " So , the back story on dew fairies is this - my mom and Harrison were outside one morning a few weeks ago and Harrison was commenting on how wet the grass was . So my mom told him the dew fairies had been here and ever since then he would wake up and ask her about them . " Were the dew fairies here last night ? " I can 't believe that he said that he met them . And at our old house . That is hysterical ! What a kid ! And the story ended just about as quickly as it came about . Bennett can say go now . While he is waiting his turn to get onto the slide , he says ' Go , go , go , go , go ' and then when he gets to the top he stops . I think that means he knows what he is saying ! He is also saying it when Harrison is playing with him and he wants him to leave . Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ! ' And it is in a little angry voice . It is so cute . So Miles is doing this ' flying baby ' thing at my house today . He had his arms and legs all off the ground and was just looking around smiling . It is so cute . Claudia had to go back to work yesterday ( kids start on Thursday ) which is unlucky for her and very lucky for ME ! And of course , after I had him all day , he didn 't sleep all night ! I am such a bad babysitter . They are normally giving him 4 , 8 oz bottles a day . Well he had his 4th bottle at 3 : 30 pm at my house and then wouldn 't eat very much before he went to bed , soooo he woke up at 2 : 30 am hungry . Andy did mention that he had a very explosive poop and while Claudia was changing him ( at 2 : 30 am remember ) he decided he wasn 't done and it ended up on the walls ! Again , unlucky for Claudia , but maybe lucky for me as he already had his poop for the day ! ! ! Miles is great . He has turned into a pretty easy baby . He likes to play on the floor and goes to sleep on his own . He loves the Johnny Jump - Up ! Neither one of my kids ever liked to play in it but Miles just bounces up and down for almost 20 - 30 minutes before he gets tired of being in there . The only con about Miles is that he likes to be held a lot . But can you really call that a con ? : ) Oh - and Bennett keeps trying to pick Miles up . I haven 't completely figured this all out but Bennett will walk over to Miles on the floor and pull on his sides . Sometimes it is just his clothes and sometimes he gets ahold of his side and Miles kind of rolls a little . It is really cute . We will have to see if this continues . Hmmmm . 1 . Na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - na - BATMAN ! When Harrison was around 7 or 8 months he used to crack up every time I would sing the Batman song . His giggle was so infectious . 2 . Harrison and Chris are in the shower and Harrison asks what ' this ' is . Chris explains that it is mama 's foot file that she uses to rub her feet . Harrison says ' Oh , a foot file , I get it . ' I get it ? What 3 year old says ' I get it ' ? ! ! ! 3 . " We don 't say stupid . " Harrison would tell everyone this if they said the word stupid ( he still does sometimes ) . When Harrison was 2 he and a friend were calling things stupid and their teacher , Delila told them to stop and Harrison said " Stupid , Delila . " We were never sure if he knew what he was saying but it didn 't matter . He got a lecture and it stuck ! 4 . We went out to dinner at El Rodeo to tell my parents and my brother and his wife that we were pregnant with our second child . We had practiced with Harrison by asking him where the baby was . We assumed that everyone would think that he was talking about Meredith since she had recently shared her pregnancy news so we taught him to point at my belly . When we asked him where the baby was he lifted my shirt so high that I flashed everyone at the table ! 5 . When Bennett was 2 or 3 weeks old you decided he needed a taste of chocolate . I didn 't see it happen and it took awhile for me to piece it all together , but I did . Bennett was in the cradle and I went over to check on him and he had this black stuff coming up with his spit up . I was fairly concerned , but upon some further observation , he seemed to be fine . I don 't know what made me ask you , but I finally did . You said " I gave him a taste of my chocolate . He liked it . " And off you went with a smile . I will come back to this page as I know that I will think of or be reminded of more ! We went and visited a preschool today . I really like it . It is at a Presbyterian church and is TWR , 12 : 30 - 3 : 00 starting after Labor Day . Nap concerns me . The space looks great . The room is large and open . The playground is a little small , but they have 2 other options as well ; a gym type area that is huge compared to spaces I am used to and a full sized basketball gym that they can run around in . There are only 2 spots left so we are thinking about enrolling him . We were originally going to wait until January , but I am getting worried that there will not be any openings . And it would be nice for him to be in the same class all year long . He is in dire need of new friends . I can tell that is what he misses the most from Uncle Sam 's . And I miss that too . I miss him playing with friends . Being involved . I love staying home with my boys , but I loved childcare as well . There are sooo many benefits and socialization is just one . I can 't say enough about how much I loved Uncle Sam 's . The teachers were so good at making sure that the children were learning their ' academics ' within their normal play . Chris and I both loved it . If we do end up going here I hope that it is just as good or better . Harrison is continuing on his quest to be just like Bennett . It is almost to the point that we can 't take it . We are dutifully trying to let it run it 's course , but it is a challenge . Bennett just keeps getting cuter and that is a challenge as well . We are trying extra hard not to laugh or smile too much at Bennett while trying harder to laugh and smile at Harrison as a means to help Harrison get over his jealousy . Thank goodness it is a loving jealousy and not the other way around . I really don 't think I could handle that ! Chris is at work and the boys are in bed . I guess I will find a good book and settle in for the night . I really want to read Son of a Witch by Gregory Maguire but haven 't been able to find it for a price I am happy to pay . I have some short stories I have been wanting to read , but I also have a Stephen Ambrose bBeth Neipert Can you believe he does all of these cute smiles ? And his poor nose . He will be so mad when he brings his first girlfriend to the house . . . A visit from Gpa and Gma is always fun for the boys . Bennett 's obsession with Gpa continues and has led to an obsession of Gma for Harrison . He wanted her to play legos , play hide and seek , come see this , come see that . And I don 't think she minded ( she loves him ! ) but it had to of wore her out a bit . I was mentally exhausted from hearing him call her name over and over ! We went to the Farmer 's Market on Saturday morning . We can 't get enough of the food ! We had our normal Breakfast Burritos and Dutch Letters but added Breakfast Pizza and Egg Rolls to our plate . I like the breakfast pizza better than the burrito so I think we will get both from now on and share ! The boys got to ride on their first Farmer 's Market train ride . And I do mean boys . Isn 't Chris so cute ? ! Bennett is at an age where he thinks that getting to hold the wheel is the best thing since breast milk . He turns the wheel back and forth , back and forth while laughing . I did tell Harrison that I thought this might be the only week that the train was at the Farmer 's Market . This way we don 't have to ride it every week . Aren 't I an awful parent ? ! Gpa bought Harrison a new book at Barnes and Noble . I love that store ! Hours and hours I could spend there . The new book is called Cars and Trucks and Things That Go and is by Richard Scarry . It was cute in the store because he had picked it up walked with me to find someone who could help me find a book I was looking for . Well he had just sat down when a lady appeared to show me where the book was and he said ' Geez - I just sat down to read ! ' He was so frustrated ! When we got home , Gma and Harrison sat down to read . There is a character in the book that ' hides . ' His name is Goldbug and you have to find him on each page , kind of like Where 's Waldo . It was cute to hear Harrison say " Where are you , Goldbug ? ' Poor Bennett . We went to the Ames Fourth of July Parade today and he decided that his forehead and nose were not scraped up enough . He did a face dive into the street while trying to get out of a chair . My dad and I watched him go down and there was nothing we could do . He let out the initial scream and then didn 't breath for almost 10 seconds . I first noticed his non - breathing technique of dealing with pain when he got his first set of vaccines . I had to breath into his face to get him to breath again . Poor little bruiser . The parade was a lot of fun . It started at 11 : 00 am an we got there at 10 : 25 am or so and almost every space was filled . I couldn 't venture to guess how many people were there and what time they started showing up ! We finally found a spot and of course it was next to a bunch of 7 & 8 year old boys . My dad finally grabbed Bennett and went out to stand next to Harrison to run interference . The boys kept coming over and grabbing all of the candy ! It 's not like we need the candy but Harrison wasn 't getting to pick anything up because the older boys would grab it . Dad gave a strong arm and that kept them at bay for most of the parade . After the parade we went to Band Shell Park and grabbed some food . I got to have a gyro from the stand that we always ate at after going to the bars in college . Mmmmm . Mom waited in line for walking tacos for herself and Chris for almost 30 minutes . Right when she got there to place her order , they ran out of cooked meat ! She had to wait for them to cook more . What an ordeal ! Christopher 's parents came for a visit that evening . We grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and then Christopher went off to work . Greg , Pam , the boys and I cooked marshmallows and then went to see fireworks over at Raccoon River Park . We thought we would be smarter than most and stop short of the park on this hill where some others were setting up . This turned out to be an ok idea . We got to see the high fireworks but not the ones that were low . They ended up behind a carefully placed row of trees . HaNarrated by Money doesn 't make us happy , correct ? Well , can you all call and tell me that because currently , I don 't believe it ! I just read my cousin Tome 's blog and found out David Sedaris is coming to Des Moines . I would love go see him . I have read his books and listened to some of his essays . He is hysterical . So then I decided to look at the rest of the Civic Center 's lineup and it is fantastic this coming season . I am so going to Wicked and I really want to see Spamalot since I missed that last time and Rain since I missed that last time and Triple Espresso is coming back and Hairspray and Mamma Mia and The Color Purple and then The Velveteen Rabbit and The Musical Adventures of Flat Stanley for Harrison ! How can I possibly afford to go to all of these great works ? ! I need to find another job . : ( Thank you for listening to my pitty party . I feel better now ! So the cherry tree in the front yard is still a great hit . Today I was picking cherries so that mom can make cherry jelly when Bennett decided to come help . I was on the ladder and he wanted to come up as well . He would climb up the first rung and then go back down . Climb up again and then back down . Around the 5th time of doing this he decided to go for the 2nd rung . The ladder shook a little because I was reaching for a branch and I think he actually got a little scared . Down he went and he didn 't come back . He did , however , park himself below the ladder and must have had quite a sour treat . Look at the war paint ! This picture is even funnier because my niece , Kaitlyn does a funny face for the camera that looks just like this ! Chris asked Bennett to smile for the camera and Kaitlyn 's face came out ! How fun . As far as climbing goes , Bennett is on everything . He has ' found ' the child sized table and chairs and loves to sit at the table like a big boy . He reads books there and has his snack there . It is great ! He has also decided to climb up on adult size chairs with out the use of anything to help him . He hasn 't gotten back on the table but the chips and salsa episode a few months ago is still in our minds ( Bennett used his booster chair to climb upon the chair which he used to climb upon the table . He then sat in the middle of the kitchen table eating chips and salsa . He is quite a good dipper ! ) . He hasn 't figured out how to climb up onto the couch all by himself yet ; he still uses Maddie for that feat ! Today he fell down the front steps and scratched up his back and forehead . I am patiently waiting for the first ER visit . It can 't be far away ! I just asked Harrison what he liked doing today and he thought . . . " Mama , can you tell me what was ' citing for me today ? " Love that kid ! I am sorry to say that I can not recall the first time Harrison told me that I was the best mom he had ever met . I do know that he was drifting off to sleep when he first said it and I was so thankful that he didn 't see the tears come to my eyes . How sweet was he and how lucky was I ? He now tells me that I am the best mom he has ever met every now and again . Today he picked a moment where I was laughing at the great way that Bennett and Harrison were playing together . They were having such a good time when he came up and hugged me and told me again that I was the best mom he had ever met . I again felt privileged to be his mom and hugged him back tightly . After sharing this cute and endearing comment with my husband , mom and dad , I now wonder what will happen to me when he finds that ' best mom ' as I am just the best he has met ( so far ! ) . So to all of the moms that he has met so far ' HA ' and to all of the moms he has yet to meet , stay away ! : ) Harrison received lots of Legos for his 3rd birthday back in December and played with them continually until he lost interest around April . Now , the enjoyment of building blocks has resurfaced and it has brought to us ' The Blues . ' Yesterday , Harrison had built a tower . It was a tower so big that the top was actually about 2 feet above his head . Gma helped put the top on . He had built this same tower several times over the past few days and it was an unstable , wobbly thing that was prone to fall over at a whim . Well , Bennett happened by and suddenly there were Legos everywhere . For those of you who know my child fairly well , you know he has quite the temper . But not on this day . On this day he hung his head , shook a little and just said why with a quivering lip . As I carted Bennett off to another activity Harrison began his rebuilding process . It was during this process that I discovered Harrison 's talent with ' The Blues . ' It goes a little like this " Oh , I 'm so sad , sad , sad . Just so sad , sad . sad . Why am I so sad , sad , sad ? Just so sad , sad , sad . At this point my mom and I left the room so as not to disturb his poetics ( as we started laughing quite hard ! ) . I built a tower and Bennett knocked it down . Just so sad , sad , sad . Oh , I 'm so sad . sad , sad . Why did Bennett have to knock down my toooooooooower ? My toooooower . I 'm just so sad , sad , sad . I really need to start keeping the video camera in my pocket ! |
We were in the south , in the farming districts around Kandahar , and they grow tons of grapes there . They have little wood to make trellises , so they mount up clay to about 3 - 4 feet high . These make great bullet - stoppers , by the way . He had stolen a taxi in a nearby city and brought it to the village I was staying in . Unfortunately for him , the man he stole the taxi from , was from the village he brought it to ( I am not sure how he didn 't know this , as it seemed everyone knew everyone in the surrounding villages / cities ) . The villagers ganged up on him and stoned him in the street . Men , women and children all participated . Anyway , we break down the door , and Storm walks in first and gets shot immediately ( in the stomach ) . McLaughlin just sprays the inside of the house , but when he runs out of ammo , he drops his gun and just runs inside the hut . ( McLaughlin was a stupid hothead and was best friends with Storm so I think he went inside the hut to drag him out . ) Well , me and Romano were at the bottom of the staircase heading up to the hut ( we had ducked when the first round of fire broke out ) . Well now were hauling ass up the stairs after McLaughlin because he just charged into a house without his goddamn weapon . Well , we hear screaming and when we enter the house we see McLaughlin in hand to hand fight with this NVA soldier . We can 't shoot because him and McLaughlin are constantly shifting positions and we don 't want to shoot McLaughlin . Well he ends up pulling out his bayonet to stab the guy , but then he grabs on to McLaughlin 's throat . Then McLaughlin tries to stab him in the throat but just gets him in the shoulder and they both collapse . I still can 't shoot because McLaughlin is blocking my view . I can see the NVA soldier 's hangs gouging at McLaughlin 's eyes though . McLaughlin just starts stabbing like with so much rage and venom and is screaming like a madman . The NVA soldier is screaming too . By this time another group of guys had come into the hut with all the commotion . Well McLaughlin is just starts slashing the guys throat and face for a few seconds before the NVA soldier finally dies . McLaughlin keeps stabbing him though and hitting him and finally we guys have to pull him of this corpse that looks like a Jack the Ripper victim . His throat and face were practically cut open ; his chest was just tomato juice . Even I couldn 't look at it for more than a few seconds . I later slapped McLaughlin for being a fucking idiot and putting himself and other men in danger by charging into the house without a firearm . McLaughlin ended up being a total nutcase and I think that one killing really messed him up . He became way to violent and unpredictable and after 3 months he got a court martial for stabbing another soldier . Storm survived though he never came back to Vietnam . No idea what happened to either of them after Vietnam . " " I was doing security at a celebration for the Indianapolis Colts and was walking through an alley downtown when a guy who had jumped off of the pool deck of a hotel landed about five feet away from me . I stood in shock for a few seconds and then walked over to him . He had a compound fracture of his leg but it wasn 't gory at all , just a bit of bone sticking out of the skin . There was a small stream of blood going from his head towards the curb . Maybe 30 seconds later , a few policemen and my supervisor came running around the corner and took over . It affected me pretty badly for about 24 hours , but then the news broke that he was a child molester who jumped when the cops were closing in on him . The moment I heard that , I was fine . It was like it never happened … . Seeing it bothered me . It was weird how much less when I found out just who and what he was . I 've often wondered what that says about me … . I think it just dehumanized him for you , because he was clearly a monster . I had a strange fascination with death after that . I would have panic attacks and have what I believe were psychogenic seizures . I 'd just blackout when I thought about death too much . " " It was 9 / 11 / 16 . I was going to the airport to pick up my wife . As we pass one of the parking lots the car in front of me slams on its brakes . I throw up my arms like , wtf . At that point , my eight - year - old daughter says to me , ' Daddy , that plane just crashed . ' I look to my left and sure enough , a small plane was crashed in the parking lot 50 yards from us . I immediately pulled over and told my daughter to wait in the car . I bolted out and headed towards the crash . A handful of people were in the vicinity kind of in shock . I have some first responder training and felt like I had to help if I could . I was the first one to approach the crash . The plane was upside down and there was airplane fuel everywhere . Cars were smashed all around it . I foolishly stood in fuel as I assessed the situation . I 'm not proud of that . The first person I saw must have been the pilot . His upper body was dangling down and his lower half was trapped in the mangled metal . I yelled out to him , ' Can you hear me ? Do you need help ? ' No response . I moved the other side of the plane where I saw the second person . A woman , handcuffed , dangling much in the same way as the pilot . She was also dead . That day changed my life . I had always wondered how I would respond to something like that . One part of me is relieved I didn 't shy away . I went right up to the front line to help . The other part of me wonders what would have happened had a spark lit that fuel … " " Circa 2014 . Where I 'm from we celebrate St . Patrick 's Day pretty heavy here , a huge parade tons of drinking early in the morning , the whole nine yards . Well some friends and I met up around 4 blocks from where the parade started at about 11am usually the parade starts around 2PM . After we finished up the pre - game at my friend 's house we decided to catch the metro rail to the parade . Well where I 'm from St . Patty 's day is a huge drinking fest so the terminal was jam packed with drunk people waiting to get on , so we waited about a solid 15 minutes to catch a rather empty train . Skip forward about 20 minutes and we arrive at terminal B to arrive at the parade . We all get off the train and we see a group of about 10 EXTREMELY drunk people goofing around on the escalators . Running around goofing around when one of the kids says ' I 'm going to beat you guys to the bottom ! ' and jumps off of the escalator . I am confident the gentleman did not know how high the escalator actually was . long story short , it was about 30 - 40 feet high . The man fell head first . It was to this day the worst and most disgusting sound I have ever had the displeasure of hearing . A pool of blood surrounded the guy 's head . There was one security guard in the terminal frantic as could be calling for police and the group of friends was absolutely devastated . Screaming frantically the group of friends tried to approach the guy lying in his own pool of blood , the security guard assured the group of friends they didn 't want to see the guy in the condition he was in . I 'm 90 % sure the man died that day . I walked by the lifeless body on the way out of the terminal and the side of the man 's face looked rather flat against the ground . It was the worst thing I 've ever saw in my life . It ruined the rest of my friend groups day and we ended up heading home early all slightly buzzed instead of hammered as per usual . I have not attended the parade since … . This is something I will NEVER forget . Like I said it was the sound of his head smacking the ground over everything that is truly haunting . The sound of a sack of potatoes hitting the ground is probably the most accurate . " " Back at my first ever job at a dollar store in a not so good area of town , it was me and my night manager working the night shift and five minutes before closing , and locking the door ; two of our regular customers walked in to buy snacks for a movie night after they left we were gonna lock up count the drawers go home . Simple run of the mill night . It was the slowest day we ever had , as the customers were checking out another man walked in with a sweater wrapped around his head . My first thought was ' Wow he must be really hot in the 98 degree Texas night . ' And then he pushed his way to the front and the gun came up and was less than a foot from my face and he said ' Open the drawer . ' I took a step back said I don 't know how to ( I knew but I figured if I did it I outlived my usefulness and boom no more Tonito ) my manager tells him ' Don 't point it at him he doesn 't know how . ' She came round and opened hers with the guy following behind her . At this time one of the customers turned out to be a CHL holder drew on the robber and fired . If I didn 't duck 5 seconds before who knows what would 've happened . A small gunfight ensued . 30 seconds later when I got my hearing back I asked my manager ' What do we do now ? ' I got no response . I figured she was deaf from the shots . I asked again while moving closer . I saw red on the floor and her eyes closed . I tapped her to ask if she 's okay and she collapsed . Bullet hit her heart , ( come to find out it was the customer 's bullet that killed her ) and that was that . Less than 5 minutes before all of this we were talking about her first - year wedding anniversary and the gifts she was going to get her husband . It 's been six years I still have nightmares about it . Only good thing about this is that I found the job I love which led me to the woman I love . " " Walking home from school aged 12 . Some of the rougher lads in my year were forever roughing up this one lad , pure bullying like . On that day , they chased after him . I was a pretty geeky introvert and walking with my equally geeky friend so we 're just walking hoping the rougher tougher lads didn 't take exception to us . They chased him about a hundred yards ahead and sort of had him on the ground . Giving him a bad time like kicking and hitting . Not majorly beating his ass but must have been horrible for him . They got bored and let him go . He jumped up crying and ran off like a shot . Thinking it was done the rough lads swaggered off , when all of a sudden the lad they had beaten up came running down the road and launched a house brick at the group of them . It hit this one last straight in the head , and he dropped like a sack of potatoes . " I was standing in a gated smoking area at the back of a bar one Saturday night . I was smoking and talking to a friend and random people when out of the corner of my eye I could see two guys walking up from a parking lot outside of the gated area . I didn 't think too much about it because I was tipsy and no fights or aggressive behavior was occurring that night . When the two guys got to the gate , which was waist height , they climbed over and just stood there . At that time , I thought they were sneaking in to avoid the cover , then calmly one of them walked up to some guy in the crowd and shot him in the back of the head behind the ear . The only thing I could compare it to was a streaming blood fountain from the nose , mouth , and bullet exit ( maybe ) . They guy didn 't drop like the movies , it seemed like an eternity but was problem only a few seconds , he stood there with 80 's style special FX blood spraying the smoking area . EVERYONE ran , except for me . I was in complete shock and stood there eyes wide . I remembered going to put the cigarette in my mouth when I tasted something funny . I looked down and blood splatters were on my arm , shirt , and cigarette . " A friend and I had been mowing yards most of the day , we were in high school . He could buy beer . We stop at the store and I noticed a car parked on the side of the store . A man in the car was yelling at a woman inside the car . We got our beer and my friend lived three houses away and we sat on the porch cooling down having a beer . The car sped away from the store and went out of sight . In a couple of minutes it was back . The yelling continued . The woman got out of the car and the car sped away again . I thought that was strange . There was a side street that started right across from my friend 's porch . The car turns onto that street and stops on the wrong side of the street in front of a house set back from the street a little bit . The man in the car opens the door and steps out , he 's standing in between the car door and the seat yelling at the house now . He 's yelling in Spanish so I couldn 't understand what was being said . A man comes out of the house , he 's not saying anything back to the yelling man . the man turns around and goes back into the house . My friend and I think that 's the end . In about 20 seconds the guy comes back out , levels a 22 revolver at the man at the car , fires once , sees the man drop , and goes back into the house . My friend and I can 't believe what we just saw . We cautiously make our way over to the man lying in the street . No one comes to the house door so we check on the man at our feet . I stoop down and no pulse . He 's got one tiny hole in his temple . A tiny trickle of blood about two inches long runs out of the hole . That 's it he 's dead . No pulse , he 's not breathing , no moaning , just nothing . We sat there with him till the cops came . We said we heard the shot and saw the guy walk away into the house and that 's it . We didn 't say we saw it all . The man in the house admitted what he did . The cops let us leave and we went back to the porch . My friend understood Spanish . He told me that the parts he could hear were about infidelity . We finish our beer and watch what - newwayman " My dad was driving me home from school when I was 10 - ish . We were the front - most vehicle stopped at a red light when we saw a motorcycle turn into the intersection and get totally creamed by an oncoming Mack truck . Traffic stopped and people ran out of their cars to help him , but his motorcycle was pinned under the truck 's grill with him still on it . A squad car promptly showed up and one of the officers started waving traffic through the intersection , so we ended up leaving before we saw the ambulance arrive . " I was in Aruba vacationing in the summer of 95 . Chilling out at Eagle Beach . So I see a Seadoo with a kid at the controls and dad riding shotgun . They 're going at quite some speed and are looking and waving at mom who was standing next to me , filming them with a Handycam . So I see a speedboat slowly leaving shore and it 's evident he 's gonna cross paths with the Seadoo . I scream and wave at the Seadoo pointing ahead of them , but they still don 't look ahead . The boat ( about 20 feet with a huge outboard ) slams into reverse but a second later the Seadoo collides into its portside . The collision was so hard , the boat got lifted almost vertically in the water . Kid flew off the Seadoo and slammed his head / face into the boat . Mom 's screaming , probably filmed the whole accident . Next thing I know , the watersports rental guys jumped on wave runners and raced to the scene . They grabbed the kid by his life jacket and lifted him onto a wave runner and rushed back to shore . No regard for safeguarding his c - spine , but it was all out panic . They land right next to me and lay the boy on shore … . Unconscious , bleeding from both ears and his nose and he didn 't have a tooth in his mouth anymore . Dad came to shore on the other WaveRunner . The collision was so hard that his swimming trunks got ripped off his body . Dude 's standing there naked except for the life jacket and screaming desperately at his son to wake up . They finally lifted the kid on a lounge bed , pushed him in a pickup truck and rushed to the hospital . But to no avail . " Was in the back seat of a car going down the highway saw a small plane that I thought was dropping flares . He suddenly starts gaining altitude real quick and the cockpit engulfs in flames , engine stalled and it starts to fall real quick . Plane crashes into a field on the side of the freeway and theirs a huge ass fireball . Pulled over and a bunch of people ran over with fire extinguishers to try and stop the flames . Their looking for the pilot and couldn 't find him . Right after they say he 's not in the wreck we hear yelling and a flaming man falls a good distance from the wreck and splatters in the field . " My mom owned a little hole - in - the - wall restaurant when I was in high school , and I spent my weekends working there . Other than me , she had only two other employees - a young married couple , Hope and Jackson . After working with us for a year , Hope was diagnosed with stomach cancer and over the next few weeks we watched her waste away . She became emaciated when she could barely handle the pain of her all - liquid diet . It was like a battle between starvation and the cancer , as far as what was going to take her in the end . Hope insisted she keep working for my mom to take her mind off things , but eventually she was placed in hospice when she became too weak . One day while I was working with my mom , she got a call from Jackson who could say nothing , only sob into the phone . My mom closed up the place and we rushed to where Hope was in hospice . I thought she had died already , but when we got out of the car I realized I was wrong . We could hear her from the parking lot . Unearthly shrieks slapping their echoes against the surrounding brick . Hope screamed for two hours . She screamed until her voice was gone , and she still kept trying to scream - a raspy , hollow , breathy sound , like a death rattle that wouldn 't quit . Her eyes rolling , her gaunt face drawn tight against her skull and the veins in her neck straining from the force of her silent screams . Her bloody bile gathered at the corners of her mouth and ran down her chin and neck . I was horrified - I had never seen anything so terrible . They pumped her full of morphine but it didn 't seem to affect her . She screamed until the very end , out of her mind with the pain . After two hours , she was gone . We pulled into a station one morning , probably around 8 : 00am , and people were shuffling on . I was already seated and staring out the window at the opposite side of the tracks , where this older - middle aged woman was sitting on a bench . As I 'm watching , the lady stands up and starts walking onto the tracks . She gets to the inner track and stops . It 's difficult to describe really what I saw . It didn 't make sense to see a human body in so many pieces . I was studying anatomy at the time , and was able to identify bits of her lungs , intestines , arms , legs , jaw , eyes , etc . all spread out over a dozen or so meters , as well as innumerable chunks of fleshy God - knows - what . A moment later , our train started moving and we left the station . I went to class and but didn 't really talk much for the next week . I can still see that woman 's face like it was yesterday , both intact and spread out all over the tracks . " " When I was 19 I worked the graveyard shift at a gas station . We were located on a very busy street that was home to a lot of bars and clubs . On this particular evening one of my 3 of my friends stopped bought some donuts and stopped by to hang out with me . Shortly after 2 AM , we saw a crash . A huge Ford truck had t - boned a tiny four door sedan . Two of the four girls inside the car died instantly in the crash one was unconscious . We went outside , called 911 and tried to keep the other girl calm . Her screams are what haunt me to this day . She was begging her friend not to die , and would talk to her about random things only to realize after a couple of seconds that her friend was dead . She did this a couple of times and her screams were heartbreaking . The girl who hit them was trying to turn her car on to get away but a homeless man who I had befriended grabbed her out of her truck and kept her there . She was crying and begging the homeless man to let her go because she didn 't want to go to jail . It was the first time I 'd ever seen a dead body and for a couple of days I felt like I was floating . Like nothing really was happening to me , like I was just living but not really there . A couple of weeks later 1 of the 2 girls who survived came into the store to thank me and my friends for calling 911 so quickly and keeping her company . Apparently , they had just left a bar and the driver was the only one who hadn 't had a drink that night . They were celebrating , she had just secured a new job and was gonna be on a plane the next Monday to go to her new home . The girl who hit them was a 22 - year - old , she was drunk and speeding . I don 't know what kind of sentence she got but I told the officer that took my statement that she was trying to leave . I found the local newspaper article for the crash . I think maybe I may have just made up in my mind that they were instantly dead . I don 't remember a lot after the authorities got there but here 's the article . As proof I guess . " When I was younger , my grandfather was terminally ill . ( I don 't remember the illness because I was so young , and I don 't really talk to my family much anymore for certain reasons , so I haven 't asked ) But I distinctly remember his final day . He was in his death bed , completely calm . But then he started spasming wildly . My family heard the commotion and bolted to his room and began spouting prayers and religious banter as this was happening . I could see blood in his mouth so I think he started to regurgitate blood as well . After a minute or so , the spasm had stopped and he was gone . I held his lifeless hand , spoke my last words to him , and left the room . It was a very traumatizing experience , but I have healed since then . " " I was about 12 and I lived on a private road located off of a relatively busy road . My parents asked me to go get the mail which was located by the busy road . When I got down to the end of our private road I noticed a teenage boy ( 17ish ) walking . I quickly hid in the edge of the woods surrounding our private road because it wasn 't normal to see people walking by our road ( pretty rural area ) . I watched the boy stop and watch the cars passing by for a minute . Just as I was about to turn around and leave the boy jumped in front of a van . The van managed to stop miraculously and the boy screamed . The boy looked and quickly jumped in front of a semi coming in the next lane . I 'll never forget the sight of him getting run over . His clothes were all over the road and there was a ton of blood . His leg was basically detached from his body . I was young and wasn 't sure what to do so I just ran home and pretended I didn 't see anything . I felt really guilty because I felt like I should 've stopped him somehow . I blamed myself for being scared of a stranger and hiding in the woods . We were supposed to have dinner at my grandmas that night , but couldn 't because they shut down the road for aero med . The boy actually survived . He told everyone it was an accident and he was just trying to cross the road when walking home from a friend 's . Even if I hadn 't seen him jump , his story doesn 't make sense . There is no logical reason he would cross there at that part of the road . Everyone believed him though . They made this care page with updates that I followed for months . When they stopped updating that I started looking at his Facebook . He 's in a wheelchair now with brain damage . It took him years to fully recover . The whole experienced kind of fucked me up . I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder pretty soon after it happened , but I still haven 't talked about it with anyone ( I 'm 19 now ) . " Watched my grandfather fall 400 feet down Mount Hood . Treated him until I needed to call it off . I had been trained and certified as an Emergency Medical Responder and Advanced Wilderness First Aid , so I treated him like any other patient . But , no matter how much medical training I go through , I 'll never feel like I did enough . |
Log in short stories learning to fly April 30 , 2013 | Author Leslie For those of you who knew Trey and I kept three of our nieces over the weekend , I 'm sure you expected this blog post to be about that adventure . But that will have to wait : latest reports confirm that my sister and brother in - law have yet to get their surprise from the girls that we spent most of the weekend working on . I 'm so proud of the work they put into it , so I won 't ruin the surprise now ! So , in lieu of that story , I decided to share this one . Months and months ago , maybe even years , I had the most vivid and amazing dream . It was so vivid that upon first waking up , I wrote it down . Every now and then I would tweak it here and there . But mostly it 's turned into a very short story . Just a page long . And maybe one day I 'll use it as inspiration for a larger work , but for now , enjoy learning to fly : The witch doctor lived in the bottom of a valley , in the side of the mountain . Her entryway was shaded by shrubs and Spanish moss . She opened the door before I could knock . The woman was short and squat , a fair - skinned negress with freckles and short curly reddish hair . When she smiled with her mouth , her eyes rarely followed . We could hear bombs exploding in the near distance . She hurried me inside down a steep and endless flight of earthen stairs into the vast cavern that was her home and workspace . She gestured for me to sit in what resembled a dentist 's chair that swiveled . Excitement rippled through my body … excitement and sheer terror . But how could I not take this chance , how could I pass something like this up ? After I was seated , she strapped me in with thick leather belts around my chest , wrists and ankles . Then she pulled a large metal hood , much like an old - fashioned beauty salon 's hairdryer , over my head . The witch doctor told me to close my eyes and said if I didn 't look , it 'd only hurt for a moment . I squeezed my eyes tight and awaited pain . At first , it was a small needle prick on the top of each of my feet , close to my toes , right in the center . The needles grew larger with each prick , stabbing me so quickly , so mechanically , that I could not separate the pain each one caused . When the needles stopped , I was flung from the chair to land on the ground face down , the metal hood still on my head . A deep red heat radiated from the hood , pounding on the back of my head , hotter and hotter , redder and redder , for what felt like hours . When it stopped , the hood was raised and the room felt silent and empty . " Well , " she said , bored and waiting , " fly already . " I sat up slowly , praying that this time it had worked . Before , I flailed and flung my body but could only seem to hover for a few seconds . This time , I was determined to take flight . I slowly pushed myself up to sit , then shakily straightened my legs to stand . I clenched my arms tight by my side , my hands in locked fists . My feet shoulder width apart , I slowly bent my knees and pushed off from the ground as hard as I could , holding my breath and praying for success . And it happened , I took flight . I soared into the rafters , turning my head to change direction , avoiding the enormous crystal chandelier by inches . I spread my arms and swooped from side to side , high and low , exploring and reveling in my new ability . I laughed and screamed with joy . It was everything I hoped it would be . To feel the wind rushing by my face and feel my body , weightless , soaring though the air I breathed was nothing short of miraculous . I dipped and landed with a slide and a puff of dirt in the place from which I had risen . The witch doctor watched with detached amusement as I tried to simply levitate , face down , hovering a few feet over the ground . I wanted to know if I could soar to great heights and stay in one place to observe , to learn , to really see . But I couldn 't stay aloft for long , my balance eluded me and I dipped and swayed in all directions , only to land on all fours with a thud . I gathered myself up and tried again , this time leaning back as I slowly pushed my toes off the ground . I lay back in the air relaxed , as if swaying in an invisible hammock . I couldn 't quite control myself enough to hover in once place , but I didn 't rock and dip uncontrollably like I had when floating face down . I lay flat on my back in the air and drifted . " Why , " I asked her , " is it easier to float on your back than on your stomach ? It 's like just like floating in water . " I floated , unintentionally , right into her lap . And she laughed . The witch doctor let out the most delightful , infectious , comforting laugh and I knew right then that I had done what none of the others could . I alone was the girl who could fly . Posted in short stories | No Comments » lola July 8 , 2012 | Author Leslie Lola - Mae stood over her great aunt 's tea kettle waiting for the water to boil . It was extraordinarily hot for May : 92 ° . Aunt Leora thought " it 'd be nice if we all had some ice tea to sip on while we sit out here on the porch . " That was Lola - Mae 's chance to get away from the chattery gossip of her great aunt 's circle group from the First Baptist church . Lola had moved in with her aunt three months ago after Norman got married . Since then she 'd walked around in a daze . Her Aunt Leora was sure that she was in no condition to live by herself ; in fact , she hardly let Lola out of her sight for more than ten minutes . She was afraid that Lola would do something to hurt herself . Lola didn 't mind living with her aunt , she just couldn 't seem to understand why Norman never came to call on her anymore . It was the two year anniversary of their first date ; Lola wanted to surprise Norman with a romantic dinner in his office , since he told her he couldn 't get off work . She 'd spent half the afternoon making her famous potato salad ( first prize at the County Fair three years running ) , and cutting peanut butter and apple jelly sandwiches into little shapes : a star , a heart , a little man , a cow … anything she had a cookie cutter for , just the way Norman liked them . She wrapped up each of the sandwiches and put them in her basket , along with a Tupperware bowl of her potato salad and two Coca - Colas . On her way to the Pierce Insurance Firm , where Norman worked , Lola ran into her aunt . Aunt Leora walked with her as far as the First Baptist Church . They got there in just enough time to see Norman , in a tuxedo , helping Scarlet Hawthorne get her wedding dress to fit into his car . The guests were throwing rice and waving at the newlyweds . Lola dropped the picnic basket and let Aunt Leora take her home . Lola pulled a chair from the kitchen table to the cabinet . Just as she pulled up the skirt of her dress so that she could step up on the chair , there was a knock at the door . Lola smoothed the front of her dress carefully as she walked through the living room to the front door . " May I help you ? " she asked , trying to muffle the shock of being visited by an attractive stranger . People hardly ever ran into strangers in a small town like Robinson , Virginia . Most everyone there knew every one else , and no one new ever entered into the picture . His young form reminded Lola of all the handsome young men that had pursued her when she was that age . Now , after 32 years in the same town , Lola had given up on ever getting married . She had vowed to never love another man after Norman . " I didn 't want to interrupt your circle meetin ' . I won 't do it again ma ' am . " Aunt Leora released Lola 's arm at the meek apology and nodded . Lola peeked out the door to make sure that her aunt wasn 't watching . She quickly grabbed Tyler 's hand and they ran out the door . Tyler opened the door of his pale blue Ford pick - up truck and helped Lola inside . She smiled to herself as he walked around to the driver 's side of the truck . Crazy , I 'm crazy for feelin ' so lonely . I 'm crazy , crazy for feelin ' so blue . " I sure do love Miss Patsy Cline , " he said , as the first verse of Crazy came through the speakers . Lola hummed along with the radio and smiled at her successful getaway . When the truck hit the pothole at the end of the gravel driveway Lola bounced into the middle of the seat . She grabbed Tyler 's arm for support , and quickly apologized , though she let her hand rest a moment on his tanned skin before removing it . They turned left out of the drive and bounced down Waters Street toward the market . Lola wondered what Tyler was thinking , then promptly scolded herself for being attracted to a man so much younger than her . Why , when she was his age , he was still in grammar school . But he sure was handsome with those deep blue eyes that sucked you in like a vacuum , and his raven hair , and skin as dark and smooth as the leather of his boots . " Ma ' am , what kind of gentleman would I be if I let a lady go buy her own groceries ? Especially when I 'm the one who asked for the sugar . You jes ' wait right here and I 'll be back b ' fore y ' know it . " Tyler winked at her and got out of the truck . She watched him as he walked up the steps and into the store . What a nice young man , she thought to herself . After Tyler had entered the store , Lola turned to look out the passenger 's side window at the building across the street . Scarlet Hawthorne Pierce was carrying a picnic basket into the door of her new husband 's insurance office . As Norman greeted her at the door Scarlet pointed outside to the blue pickup truck . Lola pressed her nose to the window as Norman started walking toward her . Before Norman could cross the street , Tyler jumped in and immediately started the truck . He sped away from the store headed the opposite direction from which they had come . The abruptness of his driving snapped Lola 's face away from the window . It took her several minutes to realize that they were going the wrong way . " It 's a surprise , " he winked and slid his arm to rest along the back of the seat . Lola scooted closer to her escort and reached over her right shoulder to pull his arm around her . She hadn 't been away from her aunt this long in three months . Lola didn 't care where they were going , she was just happy to be going somewhere . She grinned to herself and pictured them running away together . Away from Aunt Leora and the circle group ladies ; away from Robinson , where everyone knew about what Norman had done to her ; away from Scarlet Hawthorne Pierce , who so willingly flaunted her new wedding ring ; and most of all , away from Norman . About ten miles out of town , Tyler pulled the truck over . Lola looked up at him , puzzled , but smiling at the adventure that was sure to come . Tyler walked around the back of the pick - up and grabbed a duffle bag out of the bed , he then opened Lola 's door and helped her out of the truck . She held his hand and followed him down a path through the woods . On impulse , Lola kissed him on the cheek and smiled . She closed her eyes and was turning around when she felt a sharp blow on the side of her head . Lola fell to the ground . Tyler Malone turned off the engine of his light blue pick up truck and scratched his head . He 'd been in Robinson for a week and a half and that was long enough for him to find out that Mrs . Leora Townsend was the only person in town who had a decent amount of money . After talking to a few of the locals , Tyler discovered that Mrs . Townsend 's family basically owned the small town . Her grandfather 's mining company was the sole income of Robinson for 50 years before the cotton mill opened up about ten miles east of there . Tyler also learned that Mrs . Townsend was very protective of her sister 's grand - daughter , Lola - Mae , who people say went crazy after her gentleman friend ran off and married the town hussy . All Tyler needed now was a reason to go by the house . Luckily there was a sign out in front of the First Baptist Church saying that the weekly circle meeting had been moved to Mrs . Leora Townsend 's house , he was sure he could come up with an excuse to drop in . Tyler eased out of his truck and made his way to the front door . He peeked through the window and saw a pretty blonde woman down the hallway pulling her skirt up to nearly mid - thigh . He knocked on the door just as she was about to step onto a chair that was beside the refrigerator . She was older than he originally thought . But there was no guarantee that this was the girl he was looking for . Tyler made up some excuse about picking up his grandmother from the circle meeting and she let him in . He willingly followed her to the kitchen where she offered him a cup of tea . The woman climbed up onto the chair and reached for the top shelf of the cupboard . Tyler noticed the muscles in her legs tense as she ascended to her tiptoes . Without a sound , he rose from his chair and touched the back of her leg . As he climbed up onto the chair beside her he forgot why he was there . He looked down into her wide blue eyes and would have forgotten his name if he hadn 't told her right then . It only took two words for him to remember why he was there : " I 'm Lola . " After he retrieved the cups she needed , Tyler lowered her to the floor . He had to think of a way to get her to leave with him , that is , without making a scene . As she took the other cups of tea to the back porch he poured them both a cup . One sip of his tea and the idea came to him . Not two minutes later the two were out the door and on their way to the market for a pound of sugar . Tyler sang along with the radio as they bounced down the dirt road toward the center of town . He liked the way Lola grabbed his arm every time they hit a bump . As he pulled up to the market Tyler made a point to park the truck facing away from the entrance . He figured he could make a little extra money inside and didn 't want Lola to witness anything . When he exited the truck he made sure Lola 's attention was elsewhere before he went inside . " I 'd ' ppreciate it if you 'd open up that there register and hand me what money y ' have , " Tyler grinned at the wide - eyed clerk . He began to clean out his fingernails with the knife as the clerk stared in disbelief . " I asked y ' awful nicely sir , now I 'd hate to hafta use this here blade to persuade y ' . " Tyler jumped back into the truck and started the engine with one swift motion . As he sped away from the store he kicked up enough dust to cause a man in the street to cough . Tyler turned around in his seat to make sure the man hadn 't seen anything . It took Lola a while to notice that he was going in the opposite direction from which they came . When she mentioned it Tyler lied and told her it was a surprise . He liked the way she trusted him so blindly . Roughly ten miles out of town Tyler pulled off the side of the road at a small path . He had hiked up there when he first got to Robinson and discovered an old abandoned cabin about a half hour 's walk from the road . Tyler got out of the truck and walked around back so he could grab some supplies . He picked up his bag ; filled with rope , a blindfold , and about a week 's worth of food ; and then opened the door for Lola and helped her out of the truck . Lola willingly grabbed his hand and he led her down the path . After about ten minutes worth of walking they came to a small clearing . Tyler supposed he 'd better at least blindfold her now , so in case she escaped once they got to the cabin she wouldn 't know where to go . Because she had been so trusting of him thus far , Tyler figured the easiest way to do this was to ask her to close her eyes for a " surprise " while he got the blindfold out of his bag . Lola kissed him on the cheek and smiled before closing her eyes . A twinge of guilt tugged at Tyler 's heart as he reached into his bag . Just as Lola 's eyes were closed , a man came up behind them and knocked Lola out with a rock the size of his fist . " Well , if yer s ' pposed to be chasin ' me , then why 'd you knock her over the head ? " Tyler barely had the question out of his mouth before the man charged at him with the rock . He didn 't have enough time to duck and was struck right between the eyes . Norman Pierce sat in his office impatiently awaiting his lunch . Since the day after he married Scarlet , she had brought him a picnic lunch every day at work at 12 : 30 on the dot . It was getting close to 1 : 00 and Norman was not a patient man . As he made his way down the hallway of his office he saw Scarlet coming up the walk outside . Usually she would give him a kiss hello , but today she was busy staring across the street . Norman squinted hard and walked toward the truck . Just as he was entering the street , a man came running out of the market , jumped into the truck and sped away . Norman coughed as he was surrounded by a cloud of dust left by the blue pickup . He stared hard at the truck , trying to figure out why Lola would be with this hoodlum . Norman began to dust himself off as he walked back toward the Pierce Insurance Firm . Just before he opened the door to his office he heard Mr . Peterson , the owner of the grocery store , screaming that he 'd been robbed . Norman wasted no time running inside to get his car keys . He was soon speeding down the road , not knowing what he 'd do if he caught up with them . Norman slammed his foot on the break the second he saw the light blue pickup truck on the side of the road . He jumped out of his car and looked around frantically for any trace of where that man took Lola . As soon as Norman found the path he began running as fast as he could . His heart was hammering at the inside of his chest ; if Scarlet 's father heard about this , Norman would be a dead man . He couldn 't quite figure out why he was chasing after Lola ; maybe he felt like he owed her something for marrying Scarlet . He wouldn 't have done that if Mr . Hawthorne hadn 't caught him banging her in the hayloft of the Hawthorne family barn . After that it was either marry Scarlet , or meet the end of her father 's shotgun . It was a short engagement : two weeks . Norman was too much of a coward to tell Lola what was happening , she had to find out from her aunt on the day of the ceremony . After that Lola was never quite herself . There were even rumors that she had tried to kill herself , but Norman didn 't want to believe that . Norman ran harder when he saw them ahead of him . The man was carrying a duffle bag , no doubt filled with stolen money or guns , or something else just as horrible . They stopped ahead of him in a clearing and Norman wasted no time , he picked up a rock the size of his fist , hid behind a tree about five feet away and waited for the perfect moment to attack . He heard the man tell Lola to close her eyes and he crept from behind the tree . To his shock and utter disgust Lola leaned forward and kissed the strange man . The blood rushed to Norman 's face and he angrily rushed forward and brought the rock down firmly on Lola 's skull . As she crumpled to the ground he stared accusingly at the man : the man who was with his Lola , the man who had the audacity to ask who he was . Norman 's heart sped up and he lunged forward . The rock in his hand landed squarely between the stranger 's eyes and the man fell to the ground . He kicked the outsider to make sure he wasn 't going to wake up and then crouched down beside Lola 's lifeless body . There was a gash across the left side of her forehead where Norman had hit her with the rock . He brushed a thick curl out of her face and lifted her shoulders . It took him a moment to get his balance , and when he did he threw Lola over his left shoulder and carried her back to his car . Norman opened the back door and easily slid Lola from his shoulder onto the back seat . He had to crawl in with her in order to scoot her back far enough so that her legs wouldn 't stick out the door . As he slid her body back towards the far door , Norman noticed that her dress had slithered up around her waste to expose her long slender legs . Norman placed his hand on Lola 's bare stomach and ran it down to stroke her thigh . He leaned down far enough to place his cheek on her naked abdomen and kissed her navel . His heart was pounding as Norman unfastened his pants and climbed on top of Lola 's unconscious body . Lola awoke an hour later on her Aunt Leora 's bed . Her head was throbbing and she couldn 't remember how she got there . She lay awake , blinking to clear her vision , for several minutes before her aunt entered the room carrying a water basin and a washcloth . " There 's my girl , I was getting worried about you , " Aunt Leora whispered . " You 've got quite a cut on your forehead there . Do you remember what happened to ya honey ? " " Tyler Malone . He was going to take me far away from here so I would never have to see Mr . and Mrs . Norman Delaney Pierce ever again . We were going to be happy and he was going to take care of me ! I want to see Tyler ! " Lola was getting angry by this point . " Shhh , hush now . Don 't get yourself all worked up . We 'll sort this out tomorrow , " Aunt Leora tried to soothe her niece . " Right now miss Lola - Mae , you need to get some rest . " After a few moments Norman started to leave the room . He took one last look back at Lola : she was grinning at him . He squinted his eyes to make sure he was seeing correctly . " I know what you did ! " She giggled in a singsong voice . " You thought I was asleep , " her eyes were widening . " I 'm gonna tell Miss Scarlet ! I 'm gonna tell them all what you did ! " A throaty laugh escaped from Lola 's lips . " Miss Scarlet 's gonna be mad at you ! " Lola couldn 't stop laughing . " I win , I win , I win , " she chanted over and over . Norman took deliberate steps as he approached the bed . Lola shrunk down in her sheets as if she was scared , but she kept laughing . She kept laughing as Norman picked up the pillow from beside her head . She even laughed as he lowered it over her face . Aunt Leora walked back in the room just as Norman was removing the pillow from Lola 's smiling face . Her mind went numb as she slowly walked downstairs and called the police . When they arrived Norman was laying beside Lola 's dead body crying and saying , " I 'm sorry " over and over . Posted in short stories | No Comments » grease audition July 8 , 2012 | Author Leslie I laughed as I popped the movie into the VCR . I had only had one audition before , but that time I knew what I was getting into . I had never even seen Grease before . Why had I let Sara talk me into this ? As I watched the characters on the screen , I was immediately drawn to Betty Rizzo . She dominated every scene . I knew that was the part I wanted . For the next few days I watched the movie over and over . Stockard Channing became my idol . I studied her voice , and her mannerisms , I wanted to be her . Once I got the idea of playing Rizzo into my head , I couldn 't let it go . For the audition I decided to sing " There Are Worse Things I Could Do . " I sang it everywhere I went . The words were permanently embedded in my mind . I even started touching the tip of my tongue to the front of my teeth when I smiled , just because Stockard Channing did it . I still do it sometimes . As the day of the audition neared , I began to develop a small head cold , which inevitably caused a frog to take up residence in my throat . I thought I was nervous about auditioning before … now I was terrified ! All the other girls auditioning for the part of Rizzo had at least some theatre experience ; not to mention that they all seemed to be in perfect health . In my eyes , I was the underdog by a long shot . I waited impatiently outside the auditorium doors 15 minutes before my audition time . My cough drop seemed to be dissolving too slowly . I was playing with the too - long sleeves of my navy blue sweater when the door opened and out popped the head of Mr . Michael Dove , the director . This man had the power to make me a queen or squash me like a bug . I accidentally swallowed what was left of my cough drop . By some miracle of God , the frog , who had made his home in my vocal chords , disappeared and my voice was restored . The music seemed to flow from my mouth as if the song was written solely for me to sing . I sang louder and more passionately that I had ever sung before . In that moment my heart lifted and I finally knew what truly made me happy . I wanted to sing forever . I could barely contain the sound coming from my mouth as the song came to an end . When I was finished , the doors at the back of the auditorium were flung open and I was greeted with exuberant applause from my fellow auditionees . Phase one was over . Two days later , Mr . Dove posted the call - backs list . I was thrilled when my name was on it . I scanned the list of the other names called back to read for the part of Rizzo just so I would know who my competition was . My heart stopped beating and sheer panic seized my body . There , on the list , only two names below my own , were the two words I was dreading : Vanessa Randazzo . Vanessa had been in musicals since she was old enough to talk . She had been in every play directed by Mr . Dove , she was best friends with his daughter , and to top it off , she 's ITALIAN ! Rizzo is Italian ! How could I possibly compete with all that ? When the day came for call - backs , all we had to do was read from the script . That narrowed it down to about three girls for the part of Rizzo from the 12 who made it to call - backs . On to Phase three . For second call - backs , we were to be prepared to sing any solo by our character . I was relieved when the song picked for the Rizzo auditionees was the song I sang for my audition . My second performance went well , though not so much as the first , I thought . I suppose the reason for that was the lack of adrenaline pulsing through my veins . A week passed before the cast list was posted . I hurried from my Latin class across campus to the chorus room praying for the part I wanted . As I neared the room , I could see the mob of people that had beat me to the door . I quickened my pace , anxious to see what they were seeing . Then , from out of the crowd , like an angel 's voice in the dark , I heard the most glorious words : I felt the most amazing sense of accomplishment . People I didn 't even know were congratulating me . I was dumbstruck . My eyes welled up with tears . I couldn 't stop grinning no matter how I tried . I was so proud of myself , not only for getting the part , but for finding my niche . The pair of formerly white bargain brand sneakers had belonged to Toby 's sister Jean before him , and their brother Alex before Jean . Toby hated the shoes . They were uncomfortable because the padding on the insides had worn thin with age and because they were only slightly too small . They were ugly , not only because they were old and worn , but because they were ugly shoes to begin with . They were so ugly and uncomfortable that Toby had trouble walking in them . The other kids in Toby 's class made fun of the shoes . It didn 't matter that they knew he couldn 't afford nicer shoes ; they made fun of Toby for wearing the shoes anyway . Toby glanced up from his sneakers to see a brand new red and black pair of cross - trainers dart across the playground . Oh , how Toby wished he were wearing those shoes . The boy in the cross - trainers was Randy Stone . Randy could run faster and jump higher than any other kid in the fifth grade . Randy , in his shiny new shoes , made fun of Toby 's hand - me - down bargain sneakers as he ran past him on his way to the basketball court , As Toby glared at Randy 's cross - trainers running and jumping on the basketball court , he heard the sharp clickity - clack of Ms . Goodman 's slide - on penny loafers . Ms . Goodman was the nicest teacher in the fifth grade and Toby was in her class . Toby stared hard down at her shoes . They were relatively new with only a few scuffs , and were the exact same brown as her eyes . In the right shoe there was a not - so - shiny penny peeking face up through the slit in the top of the leather . " I wear it because it 's my lucky penny . " Ms . Goodman smiled down at Toby , who was picking at the frays on his shoelaces . " And you can only have one lucky penny . So if I had a penny in each shoe then I would have one lucky penny and one unlucky penny , and that wouldn 't be very good , now would it ? " " For my eleventh birthday I had a beautiful party outside at the park . We played games , and ran races , we skipped rope , and there was even a clown who could make balloon animals ! Well , when it was time for me to blow out the candles on my cake and make my wish , a great gust of wind came up and all the candles went out . I was so upset about losing my birthday wish that I started to cry . When my best friend Margaret saw my distress , she came and took my hand and led me to the big fountain in the center of the park . She reached deep in her pocket and found a penny . Margaret said that I could make my birthday wish on that penny and throw it into the fountain , and if it landed heads up then my wish would come true ! " Ms . Goodman 's eyes grew wide at her remembrance . The children on the playground giggled and screamed as they went down the slide or skipped rope , or played basketball . She could tell that Toby wished the other kids would let him play with them . " Nothing . " Ms . Goodman said , matter - of - factly . " I didn 't want to waste that lucky wishing penny on anything silly , so I saved it . Now , I keep it in my loafers so I know where it is just in case I think of a really good wish . " The next day , when Toby arrived at school , Ms . Goodman told all the students to move all the desks away from the center of the room and to take off their shoes and put them against the wall . Then all the children sat in a circle . Ms . Goodman brought a big bowl full of water to the center of the room . " Okay class , " she began . " Today we 're going to play a game that will help us learn the new spelling words ! I 'm going to call you up one at a time and give you a word from our new vocabulary list . If you can spell your word correctly , then I will give you a penny to toss in this fountain and make a wish . " Ms . Goodman explained , pointing to the bowl of water . " Now , who wants to go first ? " Randy thought for a moment . " T - O - M - M - O - R - O - W . " Randy grinned at what he was sure was his success . Randy pouted as Ms . Goodman went around the room , quizzing the students and awarding pennies to those who spelled their words correctly . The students awarded pennies would squeeze their eyes tightly and toss their pennies into the bowl , no doubt wishing for some new toy or pet or superpower . Toby was the last student Ms . Goodman called on . Ms . Goodman smiled . " That was wonderful Toby ! " She reached in her pocket and pulled out her hand , empty . " Hmmm . I seem to have run out of pennies ! Let me see what I can find . " Ms . Goodman slowly stood up and walked across the room to her slide - on penny loafers and slipped out the penny from her right shoe . " Make a wish , Toby . " Ms . Goodman winked as she handed Toby her lucky penny . Toby furrowed his brow in confusion ; why would Ms . Goodman give up her birthday wishing penny so that he could wish for new sneakers ? He couldn 't understand it at all . Toby closed his eyes tight , made his wish , and tossed the penny into the bowl . It landed tails up . Ms . Goodman cringed and looked to see Toby 's reaction . Much to her surprise , he was smiling . Toby was grinning from ear to ear and he couldn 't stop . He smiled all day long . " I knew it was gonna land heads down . It 's your lucky penny , not mine , " Toby explained . " It wouldn 't be right for me to take your birthday wish ; so I wished for exactly the opposite of what I wanted . I figure , since my wish won 't come true then the penny is still good for you to make your wish . " Toby smiled up at his teacher . " But thank you for offering it to me anyway . That 's the nicest thing anyone 's ever done for me . " As Toby was walking home from school that day , he tripped over a curb and ripped the entire sole off his right sneaker . He stifled tears as he meandered through the trailer park to his home . His parents were arguing about something when he opened the door . Toby 's father grumbled as he turned off the television and snatched the plug from the wall . He fought against the foam packing to get the TV back in the box . Once he got the box sealed he picked it up and headed out the door . He dropped the TV into the bed of his dirty gray pick - up . He climbed into the driver 's side and , as he started the engine , yelled inside to his son , " Toby , you comin ' or what boy ? I cain 't buy yer shoes without ya ! " Posted in short stories | No Comments » " But words is little miracles , don 't ye know ? If you use ' em right , you can do anything with ' em . " ~ Donald Harington |
A final picture for you , of my childhood home . If you know 0ult0n Br0ad , it 's right opposite the park , although nowadays the yacht club building is fenced off , so you cannot stand opposite the house any more . The house has been divided into two and several houses have been built in the grounds , all with long thin gardens to preserve the building line . The photo was taken in winter , normally there was virginia creeper all over the house . My bedroom , which I shared with Wink as a child , was the one on the top right and was above our parents ' room and the drawing room was below that . The study was in the middle and the dining room on the left . The conservatory led off that . I remember it always being warm and steamy , with a plumbago and a nectarine against the back wall . The building to the left was the garage , a huge two - storeyed one ( there was a work bench upstairs , darlings , it wasn 't a multi - storey car park ) . I 'm not sure whether that was converted to a house or pulled down and rebuilt . The people who lived in the right - hand part invited us over about ten years ago . Very strange to go back again after so many years . They wanted to meet my mother , but I didn 't feel able to tell her about it . She so loved that house and would never return to the road after she sold it . Alex was born here , not in a room you can see from here but at the back of the house , in my father 's childhood night nursery . Only a week or two later , the Sage suggested I go with him to look at a house that his firm was auctioning the next day . It was , like this , a large Edwardian family home , and also a former Rectory . I walked in the door , turned left into the drawing room and , momentarily , staggered and gasped . " Can we buy it ? " Dears , thank you for your friendship over the past year . I hope you have fun tonight , whether partying or curling up in bed early or anything in between . We 're having a family get - together and I 'm just going out to buy ingredients and will spend most of the day cooking . It was not the childhood memories that upset me most the other day . It was the newspaper cuttings . And here they are - they enlarge quite readably - and you 'll see what I mean . I 've been thinking about my father a lot recently , as it happens , triggered by a photo of my baby grandson Hadrian , in whom I recognised my father 's smile and eyes . And then this . . . the second article was written by a reporter called G * * rge Sm * 11m * n - I saw him again as it happens , about three years ago at a Hindu wedding I went to in Lowestoft . I recognised him immediately and we had a lovely chat . You can see the shock and feeling of loss that went into the article , but it isn 't exaggerated , you know . It 's true . What I have felt a keen sense of loss for , during the past 42 ( nearly ) years is not the person described , of course , but the father I knew and loved , and what I 've so regretted is that I didn 't have the opportunity to reach maturity and get to know him as a person as well as my daddy . But reading these and other newspaper clippings , I 've realised that I 've spent much of my life , in particular the last 23 years , unknowingly trying to model myself on him . I 've always wondered , and increasingly so of late , why I have such a huge sense of duty , why I have to feel that I 'm contributing to * the community * ( whatever that means ) and why I feel that it is , outside my family , my purpose in life . I 'm not so unusual in that , of course , I know plenty of others , and many people do far more than I . Nor am I suggesting that it is because my father died relatively young that I have turned in that direction . I don 't feel I am proving myself to his memory or anything like that . I said that the past shapes you , but to be shaped is not necessarily to be scarred . I 'd probably have gone in much the same way , whatever happened . However , I do feel I 've learned something about myself in the last couple of days . And , although I was terribly upset when reading all the tributes , the account of his funeral and memorial service and so on , I hope I 'm going to find it a comfort as time goes on . So much love and respect . But such a loss . One never really gets over it , you know . Posted by A year or so later . Joepie ( pron . Yoopi ) , my Dutch au pair when I was 6 , and we remained friends with her and her sister ( who had been our au pair a year earlier ) for many years . We have more rooms in this house than we use , now that the family has grown up and left . There are two specifically , one which the Sage uses to put stuff in , every time it 's necessary for him to clear up all his chaos and one which I 've stored my late mother 's stuff , cleared from her place next door , where Al and his family live . Most of it was put in there about five years ago and I wasn 't able to deal with it . But in the last year , I 've started to , and now I 'm finishing the job . The intention is that the Sage will then take it over , go through all his boxes of stuff and sort it out . Indeed , I 'll believe it when I see it too , but I have stipulated that a box may not be taken in unless and until it has been gone through . I 'm getting a bit tetchy about this and have hardly a yearsworth of patience left . But in fact , the Sage 's room has to be cleared before that , as various things that he wants to do hinge on it . It didn 't start well when I went in to * my * room and found that boxes belonging to the Sage were lining the walls . Only yesterday , he was blaming my dilatoriness for him not being able to do his sorting out , and then I discovered that his junk was the problem more than mine . And here comes a Useful Tip for a tranquil marriage . Find out really annoying things when you 're on your own . Shout and complain , let rip all you want . Once you 've done it , you won 't have to again and you can be pleasant and constructive when your husband comes home . Nagging is counter - productive and deeply boring . Just listen to yourself , woman . No wonder a man switches off . So , having got angry and got over it , I went through various boxes . A lot of things could be thrown out / put for recycling , and old photos and papers were put on one side , mostly . But I kept coming upon things that I found very poignant . An old puzzle book with my father 's handwriting in . Old Christmas decorations from my childhood that I 'd assumed had been broken , but which my mother had carefully packed away , too fragile to use . The newspaper notice of my father 's death and a letter of thanks from his Oxford college , thanking my mother for a donation in his memory . Looking through more papers and photos tonight brought back more memories , and I 'll scan in some of the pictures tomorrow ( you might see some of them , darlings . Z the tomboy , and Z the bride , Z the little girl and Z 's school report . I was untidy , unsurprisingly ) . It 's better not to look back , you know . Memories , even of happy times , don 't make you happy . They just fill you with regret for what 's gone . Face forward , even if the best is behind you . The present and the future are what matter . The past shapes you , but you shape what is to come . The chicken , Elf / Eve / Pearl , has had a small run built for her . The Sage is feeding the others near her , so that they will get used to being with her and then he 'll let her out . The cocks will be brought along soon - either he 'll have to put them in a run or will have to enclose all of them for a few days , because we don 't want to risk them flying off and getting lost . But now it 's after midnight , and the post I originally wrote was so dull that I deleted it and started again , and there isn 't a thought in my head . So I 'm padding , darlings , with a few recent pictures . Then , some of the same area of the drive as work was in progress . I didn 't put up pictures as we went along , because they weren 't that interesting . And they still aren 't , come to that . But I 'm posting every day until the end of the year , whether I 've got anything to say or not . Posted by Moving swiftly on , darlings ( I 've shown yesterday 's effort to Wink , who is laughing like a drain ) . . . I was talking to Weeza the other day about her childhood Christmases . I may well have written about this before , she and I have discussed it , but I 'm not sure and I trust you 'll either have forgotten or will kindly put repetition down to my old age . I haven 't always been as laid back about Christmas preparations , as I am now . When my children were small , we started before December with the making of the Advent calendars . Then we made tree decorations during December . Our house ( we moved here when Ro was two , or rather the day before his second birthday ) had high ceilings and a big hall and we had a tree that went in the stairwell and could be as tall as the banisters on the landing , so it could take any number of decorations . At that time , we didn 't have much spare money and so the Sage and I made a lot of the children 's presents too . And then I did a whole lot of baking and so on , made cakes and puddings - went to loads of effort . When I was a child , you see , my mother worked for hours in the kitchen to prepare the Christmas meal . My sister and I had opened our stockings when we first woke up , and then that was it . No present opening until after lunch . You can see why I 'm so good at deferring gratification . I learned early . But in fact , never mind the presents , what I really wanted was all of us to be together , not to sit around quite bored for hours before a meal I wasn 't too bothered about - and , after the presents were opened , my mother disappeared again to clear away , and was gone for hours . No question of us all piling into the kitchen and sorting it out , I suspect she actually didn 't enjoy the whole occasion much and preferred to be on her own , leaving Wink and me with the old ladies she invited round for the day . Anyway , I always looked forward to Christmas and never learned from experience that it was going to be slightly disappointing . So things would be different with my children , I resolved . I scheduled in these breaks , when I downed kitchen tools and spent half an hour at a time with them and let them open some presents . Oh , another word here . The family would rock along sometime about noon and wanted us all to open presents together . So I had to compromise , just a couple of parcels at a time so the bulk were still there when my mum , stepdad and sister arrived . And then it was champagne at noon and presents were opened , never mind what needed to be done in the kitchen . There was one matter where my careful planning worked out though . I started buying early and amassed several items for each of them . There were no uncles , aunts or cousins , we didn 't greatly get into the way of exchanging presents with friends because no one had much spare money for them , so I made sure there was a good pile of parcels under the tree anyway . When I 'd got them all together , I spent a lot of time equalling them out . I made sure that the number was equal , so was the cost and even the approximate size . This was never remarked on , so I thought it was just me who knew - I don 't think I even mentioned it to the Sage , it was just what I did to be fair . But Weeza says now that she and Al always compared . Devious little brats . The Sage left for Yagnub , to go and wish various shopkeepers a happy Christmas , and to pick up the local paper that I 'd accidentally left at the greengrocer 's . A couple of minutes later , he was back again . " You won 't believe this , " he started ( I believe anything and everything where the Sage is concerned ) , " but I found a chicken wandering around in the road . " He was indeed holding a large chicken . He said that her crop was empty and he could feel her breastbone sharply , she was thin and hungry . She 's very tame , however and I found a large box - well , that wasn 't hard , I 'd just emptied it of wine bottles in the kitchen - and then gave her a cuddle while the Sage fetched her food and water . She wouldn 't feed from his hand , but started eating as soon as she was put in the box . Here she is , doing just that . We 'll keep her indoors for a few days while she regains strength , and put the word about that we have her in case her owners get in touch . If not , she has found a new home . She can have the run of the porch for now . Squiffany suggests that she be called Elf . The Sage wants to call her Pearl , it being the second name of his friend Frances ( her husband and son run Big Pinkie 's farm ) . I think that Christmas Eve is too obvious a name to pass up . But actually , I don 't really name chickens . I barely remember the names of my own family , calling every chicken by name - hell , choosing a name for each of them and remembering which one is which - is way beyond me . In other news . . . I trotted round the village calling on elderly friends in a Christmas cheer sort of way , and then I went to the Carol Service ( if we find another hen tomorrow , I suppose that will be her name ) where I swayed gently to the music as I played , as I realised part - way through . How undisciplined of me . I 've not done a lot else today . So , darlings , have a lovely Christmas , however you spend it . I love and appreciate you all very much . I feel great warmth from this blog , and I hope you will all be happy . I thought I 'd get on upstairs , and was cleaning the bathroom when there was a knock at the door . Not the bathroom door , the porch door . I scurried down and found Graham - Graham who has sheep , not Graham who has cows . After our chat , I never did go upstairs again , so the bedrooms are unfinished and I 've now been shoeless all day . This may not be unusual for many of you , but I always wear shoes about the house . Always except today , that is . Inevitably , I 've had to keep popping outside for one reason or another , so my feet have been quite cold and damp most of the day . I 'm attempting HTML line breaks , we shall see what happens . I only know the most basic HTML , I have to admit , just enough to inset a link , a hidden message , italics and so on , and I 've never found it a great shortcoming in life . But if I want to use the iPad for posts - and it certainly beats sitting in a cold study with just a candle for warmth ( we 're old - fashioned as far as heating is concerned and tend to put coats on ) - then maybe it 'll be necessary , although I have got symbols for bold , italics , strike through , link , photo and block quote . Not paragraphs . Enough of that , darlings , quite boring enough . So , I hope you are all set for a splendid weekend , and Christmas if you celebrate it . I 'm less set than I was , because I received my tax return from the accountant this morning . I have to admit , I was a bit disappointed . Having paid two years worth of tax last year , I thought it would be rather less this time around . However , apparently I still owe nine hundred and something from last year , have to pay upfront for the current year ( it 's being self - employed that does it ) and am , of course , having to pay tax on this year 's full income , whilst I have about £ 3 , 000 - worth of expenses to off - set , but that won 't be taken into account for another year . First world problems , hey . We shall not end on a low note , however . Least of all , me bleating because I 'm fortunate enough to have enough money to pay tax on . There is certainly some good news . The Sage wentPosted by I seem to have finished the shopping . Except to pick up the fruit and veg orders , of course . Such a luxury , to hand that in , not expecting to go in and put it together myself at 5am on Christmas Eve . Although the years that Alex was a shopkeeper were happy ones . What he wanted was a shop that sold things that people really needed , not the occasnal frippery . He 's enjoying being a postman now , though , with paid holidays and everything . Quite a luxury . I 'm with him there , I haven 't had a paid holiday since I was 19 years old and worked in Lowestoft Borough Library . The Sage has been self - employed since 1968 , so he 's in the same boat . But anyway , this is an achievement . I 've also written out my music for the carol service , and played it through . So , sad as it seems , I have no more excuses and seem to be on house - cleaning duty tomorrow . That this doesn 't happen often is apparent to the least observant visitor . Our last house , the ceilings were way up high , but even I can touch most of ours , which also means that the cobwebs are horribly visible . I don 't mind cobwebs , in fact , which seem to give a homely air to the place , but it 's when the develop dust bunnies of their own that it isn 't , perhaps , such a good look . I was going to tell you all sorts of things but I can 't remember now what they were . I had a nice chat this evening about chilli peppers , and have been promised some . The cows got out again , dammit , but Al suggested they went back to their field and they just trotted back , which reduced the drama of the occasion quite considerably . Maybe I 'll remember tomorrow what was more interesting than that about my day . In the meantime , darlings , rest assured that my life is more quiet and uneventful than yours is . The Sage phoned this morning when he 'd caught his train - he was driving down to Manningtree , because he 's planning to call on friends on the way home . He said he 'd call again during the day , but he hasn 't - at least , there 's no message . I was out for a while . Two whiles , in fact . This morning , I went to practise the carols with Andy for Christmas Eve . The instruments are a shade off key with each other . Just the least little bit , and there 's nothing I can do about it . You have to have a fairly good ear to be aware of it , I think , and with a churchful of people singing , I don 't think it 'll be noticed , so we 've agreed that he 'll do all the intros and I 'll come in with the singers . In the afternoon , I went shopping in Beccles , and have got everything for the children . Not much more to do now . I suppose I 'd better buy some food sooner or later . Still , we 're out for lunch on Sunday , and it 's not as if we want to eat more than usual , hey ? It 's turned very mild again . I was outside when the chickens started to go to roost . When it was so cold at the weekend , they were all piling into the hen house , but now they 're roosting in the trees instead . Only the old black granny ( who has a deformed foot so can 't jump ) is in the hut and she clucked at me when I shone a torch to check before closing the door . I 'm really pleased that my party invitation has received an enthusiastic response . Not from anyone who came last year , as yet , but there we go , maybe one can have too much of a good Z . Or maybe they are a bit too busy to read blogs at the moment . That 's got to be the answer , hasn 't it ? At the moment , a barbed wire fence is being put around the front field . For some years , it has been used to grow hay . Before that , our friend Sally used it to graze her sheep , when she used an electric fence . There are so many rabbits around that the hay crop isn 't that good , they clear a couple of largish areas in the field ( which is almost 4 acres , 1 1 / 2 hectares if you prefer ) , so the Sage has decided it might as well be grazed . Pinkie and Whisper can go on for the time being , but I think it will be good if sheep go on it again . Sheep are very good for the land . Sally doesn 't have hers any more because she has a full - time job in Norwich , but another friend has a couple of dozen and they could winter here next year . We do like having animals around . Which reminds me , I hope we are getting a couple of bantam cocks tomorrow . Johnny the farmer 's brother has them , and is looking for a good home . Of course , they may fight , in which case we 'll end up with one cock , but there 's enough space and enough girls for each to have their own little flock and keep their distance . So I hope , all being well , that we will have some chicks next year . I went to Norwich , but didn 't have too much luck with shopping . I did get things for Ro , so at least , if he doesn 't have time to choose a coat until after Christmas , at least I 'll have something to give him . I 'll go into Yagnub tomorrow for the rest , and failing success there , to Beccles . The Sage is off to London for the day . I 'm going to write out all my music for the carol service on Christmas Eve and go and have a practice with Andy . He 's playing the electronic organ , which he finds easier , with his vasculitis , and I 'll play the clarinet , except for one hymn where we both plan to play the organ . Only problem is , they are half a tone out from each other , so we need to try it out , him playing in E and me in F , to make sure we are okay together . If not , I 'm back on the clarinet . We 've had the gates sandblasted and repainted and they will be fetched back on Thursday , though I don 't suppose they will be put back in situ until after Christmas . Honestly , darlings , those of you who have been here before would hardly know the place . Come to the next blog party to be impressed and astonished . And those of you who haven 't visited , of course , because the Sage and I are quite astonishing in our own right . Or should that be rite ? Weeza doesn 't know quite how I manage it . Zerlina always sleeps for a long time here . Laast night , having gone to bed at 6 , she woke briefly for a drink and a visit to the bathroom about 9 . 30 and then slept right through until after 8 this morning . I 'd been awake for hours as usual and too lazy and tired to get up , which isn 't unusual , so I called to say hello and then we both stayed put for a while longer . We decorated tge the tree later . I wrapped presents last night . This had sunk me into a state of mild gloom . I don 't like doing that until I 'm ready - ie , until I 've bought all the presents . I nearly have , but there 's a notable Gus - shaped exception and I also haven 't bought anything much for Ro . He and Dora live in a tiny place and he hasn 't room fr anything more . Once they move to a house , he says dreamily , he 'll need lots of things , and for the garden too . . . I 've a feeling he 's building up to buy , don 't you think ? Anyway , a few other gaps under the tree , so I 'm going to have a final visit to Norwich tomorrow . A first and last visit , that is , Norwich shops can 't depend on me to stay in business , sad to say . I did feel oddly jagged , though , earlier in the day . Hard to think of a reason , decorating a small Christmas tree can 't have done it really , whatever I said in the last paragraph . In fact , my lack of enthusiasm was probably as a result of my mood rather than the cause of it . The local theatre 's pantomime has brought me out of it , however . Sitting in the back row and no one in front of me , there was nowhere to hide and we joined in with enthusiasm , once Zerlina had stopped being frightened of Abanazar . I 've just had a text from Dilly saying her two had enjoyed it so much they want to go again . Anyway , I 've sung , clapped , shouted ' it 's behind you " and so on , and am now gently dribbling ginger tea down my front - which was a bit of an accident , it was hotter than I thought it was going to be . Still , better than over the keyboard . A friend of ours who works in Aberdeen sends pictures of the scenery once in a while . This is today 's - what he saw when out walking yesterday . Almost makes up for living in Aberdeen , I suppose - not that I 've ever visited the place , but he misses East Angular . I 've added it to the desktop photo folder , which puts up one of around 250 every 15 minutes . I have a low boredom threshold and don 't care to look at the same picture for long . Well , not unless it 's someone really appealing , obv . ( It occurred to me that I hadn 't asked him , so have taken the picture down . Sorry ) Coincidentally , this one just popped up on the desktop , taken by me on Dartmoor a few years ago . The car behind me stopped too ( not as a result of my abrupt halt , darlings , I did pull properly off the road ) , but only I had a camera to hand and was able to snap them before they disappeared . No merit to the photo , and I suppose if you live in the area you see them constantly , but we rarely see any wild mammal bigger than a hedgehog here , so it pleased me . Gus in his pleather jacket looks as cool in real life as in the photo . It is too brilliant for words . All babies should have one . He loves to try and stand , which becomes quite tiring , holding him , after a while . He also enjoyed my singing " Teddy Bears ' Picnic " to him , and when I stopped jigging him about at the end he did a huge double - take when the room stopped spinning round , which was very entertaining to watch . The lunch went very well , and quite effortlessly for me . All I had to do was whip the cream for the trifle and lay the table , and Phil helped with that . Dilly said that lasagne is her favourite food , Hay ate it , carrots and broccoli with his fingers ( they 're bypassing much of the puréed food stage and just giving him bits of what they 're eating ) and everyone had second helpings , Squiffany thirds . A few minor mishaps , when no fewer than four people managed to spill drinks on the table , one of which overflowed into the Sage 's shoe ( luckily , Weeza was only drinking fizzy water ) . I was drinking wine and there was no slip between glass and lip . Zerlina asked to go to bed at five o ' clock , but I gave her some tea - she ate ham , olives , buttered water biscuits and leftover cold carrots , and a garlic clove and then a satsuma , and she was asleep by six fifteen . She just woke a few minutes ago , I gave her a drink , took her to the bathroom and straight back to bed . Tomorrow , the panto . Oh yes it . . . oh , I 've already said that , a couple of days ago . Anyway , the Sage suddenly decided he 'd like to come too . I was able to tell him that I knew there was one seat left in our row and it wasn 't likely to have been sold - who goes to the panto on their own ? - and he has secured it . Look loves , don 't think I 'm behaving totally out of character , but now I 'm going to go and wrap a few presents , and it isn 't even Christmas Eve . Thing is , the children roam all over the house and I don 't trust them not to find what 's hidden in boxes . If those things are wrapped and put under the tree ( which I 'm going to get them to decorate in the morning ) , they can shake and feel but not look inside the packages . Tim in the shop ( as far as I am concerned , there is only one shop in Yagnub and it sells fruit ' n ' veg ) told me this afternoon that Angela has died today . She was the town Mayor , in apparently robust health in May when she was elected , but ill - though still fighting - since the summer . We had all gathered , however , that it was only a matter of time . A lovely woman , anyone who met her both loved and respected her , she will be so greatly missed and the Sage and I , with her other friends , will miss her . A family lunch tomorrow . The Sage was intending to go target shooting with Ro in the morning and then on to an appointment in Ipswich . Then Ro cried off because he has a bad cold ( or man flu , how can one tell ? ) and now the Sage has cried off the appointment too . So , having planned lunch on the basis of no one being available to put things in the oven at specified times , it 's too late to change and I 'm all ready anyway . Lasagne and trifle , darlings . Sounds good to me . ZoëSent from my iPhone Okay , so now I know how he feels when he gets praised . I stared at my feet for a bit and , when everyone clapped , said " thank you - thank you - no , do stop ! It 's a pleasure . " And yes , it has been quite a year at the school and it would all have happened just as well if not for me . I didn 't make the difference , but I have given all the support I can and I 've done pretty well . The flowers are not undeserved , but they are unnecessary . Although the weather has become mild and wet - apparently much of the country has snow - there 's nothing like end of term to make the holiday spirit kick in . I 'm having lunch with two other governors at a nice pub in the next village where they have good food and a log fire , and then we 're going along to the informal pop concert at the school in the afternoon . Great fun , staff and students join in , governors don 't , fortunately . I 've realused I had completely forgotten two people I 'll be buying presents for . I knew about the other three I have yet to shop for . On hear . ( oh dear , that should have been ) . I have , however , biught tickets for the local pantomime for next Monday , which is part of my present to the children and Dilly . And also to Weeza , I should say , because I have not bought a ticket for her . The matter of wthether going to the panto is a treat . . . I just used Siri to set a reminder . I said please and thank you , of course , wouldn 't you ? I was a bit creeped out by his reply though . " Your satisfaction is all the thanks I need . " Look , Siri , that smacks of sarcasm . At Tim 's behest , typos will no longer be corrected on this blog , not until the end of the year . Or possibly just until Christmas because we may all be heartily tired of mt peculiar version of touch - typing by then . I did learn to touch - type though , at school . It was one of the most useful things I did learn ( I was largely self - taught , it wasn 't the most academically - minded school ) . I decided I couldn 't be bothered with French any longer , and declared I was giving it up . Now , what I will say about that school was that they were helpful . So they okayed my decision , but said I had to do something else instead , and was sent to the Business School over the road every week to learn to type . I came to my senses a couple of years later , took O and A Level in French , win / win there . Years later , I said to the Head at the village school that it would be very useful for the children to learn typing , as computer skills were just coming in . ' Oh , but it 'll all be voice recognition in a few years , they don 't need it . " I didn 't agree , but even the chairman of governors doesn 't rule in the classroom , so I didn 't pursue it . But in an office , everyone talking to their computer ? Hardly . Even if it were not for the problem of programming it to recognise your voice . Siri is pretty good , actually , but even so , he put down ' firk ' ( firk ? ) for church the other night . I am told that some people flirt with Siri or try to carry on conversations . Er , no . I 'm not that sort of a Z . I think that I managed that whole paragraph without a mistake . Not bad , for me . I hauled several pieces of beef out of the freezer this morning . Just slices , of braising and stewing steak . Al and Dilly buy from local farmers , but soon over - fill their own freezer and rely on ours . Only trouble is , after a few weeks , they forget about the meat . So it 's there for a long time . I 'll buy them some fresh to replace it . I diced and fried it from half - frozen because I was going out , and I suppose that had some effect , because the sauce had become thicker than I expected . It was just a basic beef casserole , onion , carrot , garlic , red wine , a tin of tomatoes and an Oxo cube ( I don 't qutie trust hte flaviur of frozen meat ) . But it was gorgeous . And there 's loads , I 'll probably freeze some . It 'll be useful when Wink is staying oer Christmas . I received a present from Texas . Thank you very much , LX . I shall enjoy getting to grips with cup and spoon measurements instead of ounces or grammes , and think of you every time I bake . It has been a full day if not a busy one . My friend from childhood , Charlotte , visited us - she last stayed back in February , but has been ill most of the year so , although we 've spoken on the phone , I haven 't seen her . She has moved here from Holland and now lives in the next town , a few miles away . The new boiler was installed yesterday , I paid the bill straight into Mourad 's account this morning . He and James , my tenant , are both happy . My bank account is straitened but not quite empty . I can still afford Christmas , especially as I just had a credit card bill today for only £ 14 . 13 . I am quite a frugal Z , on the whole , which is a rather dismal thing to be , I think . I 'm sure you all have a mental picture of me merrily shopping my way out of the recession . Those of you who visited us in May ( or at any other time ) would not believe the loveliness out in the drive . No weeds in the gravel , a good layer of new gravel and plenty of space to park any number of cars . It 's so spruce and tidy that it makes me slightly uncomfortable . Too perfect , you know ? I don 't really feel quite at ease * with perfection and prefer slight shabbiness and a few randomly scattered items that shouldn 't be there . Still , it 's only a matter of time and I will have my wish . I have every confidence . Darlings , it 's only half past ten but I didn 't get all the sleep I 'd have liked . I 'm going to bed soon . Sweet dreams . Yes , it has been fully and frankly discussed . Yes , thank you eBay , I have been able to retract the bid ( which had gone up to nearly £ 200 by then , so I might feel morally obliged to not disappoint the vendors by putting in another bid to bring it up to that . . . but not tonight , I 'm too cross ) and the Sage has promised to be more careful in future , and get me to do his bidding . Which I get so bored with , mind you . No , things are not totally harmonious in the Zedary . It 'll blow over , of course , it was a mistake and anyone can make mistakes , hey ? The day had been spent charmingly , with Dilly and Hay , and then at the church watching the Nativity play . Anyone who can resist the Christmas story has to be tired of life . You don 't have to believe it 's more than an allegory * to be touched and moved by it , especially when enacted by children . Two girls sang a duet at the Annunciation , while two other girls played the acting parts of Mary and the angel Gabriel . Their voices were beautiful , they are ten years old at most but sang clear and true . The final part of the drive is under way at last . The area outside Al and Dilly 's gate has been scraped down to leave room for gravel , which was then applied and there really is not much more to do , Another few loads of gravel , once other areas have been scraped free of weeds and levelled , and we 'll finally be done . And then we can move on to the next job . I 'd say it 's like the Firth of Forth bridge , but they completed the painting of that . We will never finish here . The prizegiving went very well . I 've probably said before , the school now goes with inviting ex - pupils who have achieved success in a particular field - it 's all about the encouragement of aspiration ( which is the good face of ambition ) . Lorna is a delightful girl and is doing impressively well in her field of media and marketing , and spoke well and entertainingly . I was competent . That 's what I 'm there for , I 'm not the main event but have to do a recap from the governors ' point of view and be appreciative . A few encouraging words are fine , but I need not to draw attention to myself , whilst not actually sending people to sleep . There 's been a lot happening this past year and I couldn 't seem to get my speech under 925 words , which I timed at 5 minutes , 15 seconds . When it came to it , we were in the Sports Hall and the acoustics aren 't marvellous , so I had to wait a bit for the sound to catch up , so it may well have taken nearer 6 minutes . Longer than I 'd wish , but no great problem . No , I wasn 't nervous , I had a bit of a flutter about an hour before , but that 's not out of the ordinary , and I actually don 't mind speaking to a few hundred people . Being short - sighted is an advantage there , I think . I 've been looking through the list of former guest speakers . Back in 1974 , we had John Ebdon . My favourite broadcaster ever , hooray . The next year was Margaret Thatcher . Let 's not get into politics please , I bet she was inspirational . Hammond Innes , Sue Ryder , Viscount Tonypandy - someone had some influence , to get that calibre of speaker . I remember Martin Bell , he was excellent , in his white suit . Louis de B . didn 't give a speech but read a short story , which was entertaining . I have told the story before , which doesn 't surprise me at all . Here and here . I 'd said , the previous day , that it was about the time of the anniversary of our engagement ( not now , but when the posts were written ) so that prompted me at the time . And , having joined Twitter a while ago but never used it , I have been prompted by Rog finding me there . Bring it on , darlings . If you use it , please let me know and I 'll follow you , or whatevs . I 'm not quite with it all yet . But I find half measures a bit dispiriting , so now I 've made a start I 'll use it . I 'll find a button to put on the side so you can find me too . I spent a couple of energetic hours in the garden this morning , which was a very good thing . For more than a week , I 've been mostly sitting down . And I 've hardly been sleeping , which is probably a consequence of that . It all looks a lot tidier now , although that 's a relative term . Those of you who have visited here know both that there 's a fair area around the house and that it was pretty scruffy to start with . This afternoon , the Sage was going to visit our dear friends Arthur and Avery . To my pleased surprise , he suggested I come along . Togetherness isn 't quite the Z and Sage way . I had a brilliant time - the Sage was sorting out his ID at the bank for a while , so left us - Arthur had never quite appreciated that he had been the witness of the Sage and I first getting together . . . can 't remember if I 've ever told that tale , but if not I 'll come back to it . . . but we had a very entertaining reminisce - and this carried on once the Sage returned . Then he produced a huge carrier bag containing three of the four pictures he bought at Bonhams on Thursday . I had asked to see them , but he said he had taken the main one to the restorer , and fobbed me off . I understood this afternoon why he had asked me . He wanted to unwrap them in front of other people . He had bought two watercolours and a charcoal drawing on a whim , unseen , and funked discussing it with me one to one . I have no idea why , I wouldn 't have grumbled , except to ask where they were to be hung . I don 't know why he wouldn 't show me the oil painting before restoration , or maybe just cleaning , either . I 've seen enough paintings to appreciate potential . If I 'm sounding a bit miffed , well I am . Not that he bought them , although why he has this compulsion is beyond me , nor that he 's secretive , because I 'm well used to that . It 's just because it rather detracted from a lovely afternoon with some of our oldest friends . In talking to A and A about that first meeting , I realised something that I 'd managed to forget . In May , we will have been married for 39 years . I 'd Posted by It wasn 't really a difficult day , it just felt like it for a while . The Sage had done a valuation and wanted me to type it up , and a couple of publications are to publish pictures from the sale so needed to be sent the photos , so I did all that , and then I took a break to read the paper , so I was in a relaxed frame of mind when I set off for the interviews . I think I will only have one more next week - unless it 's been held over until after Christmas , and I 'm quite glad of that . I 've not been involved with all of them by any means , only the more senior ones . I had my phone in my jacket pocket on silent , but felt the buzz when I had a call . So , when we had a few minutes ' break , I had a quick look and there was a message from the Sage . I rang him back and he wanted my signature . I had to say that I couldn 't possibly be available for an hour , but to come along after that . To cut a long story short ( and it was a long story , the whole thing took a couple of hours ) , he had slightly cocked up on the bank transfer front and mislaid a chequebook - or possibly a replacement hadn 't arrived and he needed me to help out because he 'd made out a fairly large cheque on an account that couldn 't cover it . This was easily dealt with because there was plenty in another account , except for two things - one , that we had to go to the next town because the bank in Yagnub closes in the afternoon , and two , that I next received a text from my tenant saying that the boiler had stopped working . Oh , and three , actually - I was in the middle of interviewing for a new head of faculty . I felt the tight band of stress around my head . Of course , it was all fine . We went and got the bank sorted out , and the teller was very helpful although there was some unfamiliar paperwork involved . Then I went and phoned the boiler chap and asked him to liaise with the tenant and get the boiler repaired . I texted the tenant , of course - as I had done , reassuringly , in the first instance . And the interviews were fine . And now it 's Friday night ( thank you , AQ , for telling me I 'd lost a day ) , and all I have to do over the weekend is get ready for Speech Day on Monday . It 'll be fine . What 's to go wrong ? PS Mourad the boiler man has just phoned . A new boiler is needed . £ 1 , 900 and something . Oh well . What was I saying about there being enough money in the bank ? Christmas at the Zedary might be a bit quiet . This evening , I went to the Winter Concert at the high school , which is where all the students taking individual music lessons perform , solo or in groups . If they are learning an instrument or singing , they are expected to join a band of some sort . There are several peripatetic instrumental tutors , but only one music teacher in school ( although we will be appointing another one for next September when we gain two extra year groups ) and she gives up nearly all her spare time , breaks and lunches , to open the music rooms for practice and extra tuition . What strikes you more than anything is the enthusiasm and love of music among those young people . It 's a complete delight and really heart - warming . We had some brilliant musicians in the past few years , who now have moved on , and there 's a bit of a gap , but it 's rapidly being filled . I was genuinely impressed by the ability of some of the pupils . There had been some boys with fine singing voices and now the Man Band has been replaced by the mixed - sex Rock Choir , with a majority of girls , and there are not so many classical instrumentalists at present , although they are coming along , but there are some amazing guitarists . One band , really quite stunningly good , is only Year 9 . I 'd assumed they were older , I wouldn 't have expected such ability or assurance from 13 - year - olds . A friend who works in Aberdeen texted me to say , first that he wasn 't able to get home from work because the roads were closed , then to say they had been opened , but he was being diverted because of floods . We had a sudden sharp downpour at about 6 . 30 and it 's still very windy , but nothing like the weather in Scotland and northern England . I haven 't seen the news tonight , I know there 's a lot of power lines down but I hope nothing worse . And now , I 'm having an early night . Not an early start in the morning which is good , I might get some washing on . And tomorrow , I must remember to post a picture of Gus . I 've got Weeza 's permission . It 's fabulous . Today has been absolutely splendid , my darlings . Not that it started so well . I woke around half past midnight , feeling overly warm ( and I 'm not old enough for the hot flush yet , dear hearts , so it wasn 't that ) and realised that the Sage had gone to sleep with the electric blanket on . I was too dopey to get up , so I edged to the far side and went back to sleep - and was woken at ten past one by the burglar alarm . Sadly , the Sage wasn 't . So I got up , checked for burglars , didn 't bother to check for a mouse or spider but turned the bloody thing off . I got back into bed , realised the sodding blanket was still on , got out and turned it off , which woke the Sage . I heard him fumble ( at the blanket controls , darlings , please get a grip ) and said tersely that I 'd already dealt with it . . . and played iAssociates and other fripperies for the next couple of hours . Things improved once I 'd slept and woken again . And then I went to visit Weeza and Gus - who was all smiley and gorgeous . . . well , so was Weeza I suppose . . . anyway , eventually she went to get Zerlina from pre - school and then I went into the city , as we say about here . Only , of course , with a glottal stop . I went down the ci ' ee to do some vital shopping . I do like the Chapelfield mall . I 'm not exactly a shopping mall woman , which won 't surprise you - more a corner shop girl - but it has a good feel to it . I didn 't know where to go , so went to the place that tells you , touched the screen appropriately , and a helpful young man appeared - as if by magic , my loves , like in Mr Benn - and asked if he could help . " Is there an O2 shop ? " I asked ( knowing there was , I 'd checked online ) . He looked pleased . " Just along there on the left , the shop before the Norwich and Peterborough . " " I need to get a key cut . " " That 'll be Timpsons , slightly further along on the left . " Darlings , I was dead impressed and told him so . I got my keys cut by Garth , who was charming and asked what my plans were for the day - no , not in a dodgy way , just conversation . I told him . The lady waiting to be served enthused about her iPhone . The girl at O2 was able to tell me my average phone , text and internet use , which was jolly useful , but they didn 't have iPhones in stock . So I toddled along to my second home . And I was welcomed , made to feel lovely by people who understand and have come home with a beautiful 32GB iPhone 4S , which is already making me happy . I was also happy to find that I can transfer the information on all my apps to it ( I 'd be gutted if I had to start Angry Birds from scratch ) and also keep it all on the old one - everything but the use of the phone itself - and that in due course I can pass it on to the Sage and he can dump his HTC ( or rather , sell it ) . So then , I took the new keys back to Weeza , checked they worked , gave her one and kept two for us ( I have got a key of hers but can 't find it right now ) and cuddled Gus and chatted happily to little z . And , by the way , I 'm so glad that Zerlina likes good food . She ate strong Cheddar , black olives and chorizo sausage for her lunch . She will never be wary about new tastes , and I think that 's jolly fine . That was a long day . We started interviewing at 11 . 15 , finished sometime after 3 and our deliberations lasted a very long time . They were good interviews , it was a hard choice . The Sage is in London at a picture sale today - I 'm not expecting him back until around 10 . I can 't be bothered to light the fire , so am sitting in the unheated study with my coat on . Yes , darlings , I know . I 'll light a few candles to warm myself by . I 've been too tired to move until now , but I 've just fetched myself a glass of wine and I 'll make some dinner in a few minutes . Toast and Marmite or an egg I expect . I had salmon and broccoli bake at school for lunch , it was jolly good and I won 't need much tonight . Poached egg is the most cooking I can face , anyway . Weeza put a brilliant photo of Gus on Facebook earlier , I 've asked if I may post it here . Highly amusing . Tomorrow , I 'll go to Norwich and see them . My phone contract is up next week and so I also need to sort out a new one . That 's as far as I have got in the planning stakes . I 'm sorry , those of you to whom I owe letters ( I think there are four of you , at least ) . I 'm not going to write them tonight either . I really have to switch my mind off for a bit . I 'm planning to watch a DVD and read a book . Simultaneously , of course . I can 't just watch tv , it isn 't possible . Darlings , if you are wondering why I really should skip a post once in a while , I think this shows it . Really , quite uninspired . All the same , it 's good to touch base with you . Does that make me needy ? Eek . Or too reliant on habit ? Worse . I don 't do routine . Posted by This evening , however , the Christingle service at the village church . I was put in charge of the microphones . Judicious turning up and down of volume , and playing a CD when required . I was right at the back of the church , and all the singing that happened seemed to be at the front . So , duty called and I swelled the volume at the back . I 'm no singer , you know . I can hold a tune , I suppose , but I 've got limited range ( I had a throat operation more than 25 years ago and have used that as an excuse for D to be my highest point , under protest , ever since ) and I can 't project a lot . My speaking voice , that 's different . I can boom across a crowded room , if necessary ( but only if , darlings ) . I can 't pretend to have a lot of interest in singing , personally . I prefer an instrument to speak for me - which probably means , to hide behind . My mother , who had a perfectly good voice , was very shy of using it in song , and that must have influenced me . But now , I am humble enough to show confidence , even when misplaced , and so sang aloud . Al and co came along - Hay was perfectly sweet and smiled at everyone until he finally fell asleep when the Christingles were lit and the lights turned off . The church was packed . It was lovely , even though I 'm not wildly happy about religious indoctrination for small children , you can 't count Christingle , any more than any other part of the Christmas story , in that vein . And that 's about all , my dears . Tomorrow , interviewing for an assistant SENCo . Six candidates . They all look good on paper . Another tricky one , then . Good luck , as I say at the start of each interview . It 's my job to ' put them at their ease ' . Me , darlings . Heh . Crikey , I 'm having a bit of a moment here . Being taken right back to when I was a tiny Z . And I was tiny too , a whopping great baby ( nine and a half pounds , darlings , you 'd never believe it ) and then I seem to have just stopped growing after a year or two and I was this little blonde thing whose clothes just hung on her . Do you remember , how mothers used to always dress their daughters alike ? I remember one particular red dress , we had one each . Mine lasted for years , and soon after that I grew into Wink 's , so there I was again . That dress marked my childhood . Anyway , that 's not what I came to write about . When I mentioned the Mole song the other day - I know , I was shocked to find how bad it was , there is nothing to redeem it at all , not even as a novelty - it reminded me of my first two musical loves of a popular nature . And so I looked them up . First , this ditty . I 'd have been two . I know what I liked , it was the marching rhythm , which would have appealed to a toddler , and it was also the lyrics . Lay down your arms and surrender to mine . I thought that was incredibly witty , such a clever play on words . But the this one was my next love . And , playing it . . . goodness , I 'm in heaven . I still absolutely adore it . I can 't manage any sort of critical evaluation , I 'm 1957 Z , in love with Perry Como all over again . I kept the record for years , until Weeza , as a very small child , callously chucked it on the ground , where it shattered , along with my heart . To be fair , this has been on her conscience for her whole life and she bought me an LP of his , some years ago . This was on the B side of the original , which is quite nice , but it 's Catch a Falling Star that will forever be Z 's song . * Sigh * We were going to Norwich today , to meet the Sage 's sister June , Weeza and family and Ro . However , I had a phone call from Dilly ( she and co weren 't coming because it was the school 's Christmas fair ) . There was a cow outside their bedroom window . O K . The Sage was out . I went out to investigate , and Whisper was there , quite calmly eating lawn . I should explain that it 's only Big Pinkie who has a name , the other cows now come with just a number . So we select a name for that season 's cows . Last year was Scarlet , this year is Whisper . I went and said hello and she showed the whites of her eyes in a mildly alarmed manner . Since she was near beehives , I didn 't want to worry her , so I gave her several pieces of apple and she calmed down . Cows like apple . Pinkie was bellowing worriedly for her to go back to the field , but Whisper showed no inclination to return . It was beyond me to drive her in the right direction single - handedly , so I left her to it until the Sage got home . And then Pinkie got out . Anyway , the Pinkster is a wise old cow and very placid , so the Sage and I pointed her in the direction of the gate and she went home . Whisper nearly did , but then veered off down the drive and ended up on the road . Fortunately , an oncoming car stopped her from turning towards the village and she went past the church and down the lane to the further end of her field . Pinkie was making quite a noise , anxious for her friend to return home . It took quite some time , but in the end , half a ton of cow jumped over a three - strand barbed wire fence and ended up right where she had come from . We mended the fence , shut the gate , washed our hands , jumped in the car and , thanks to a place in the car park being available right by the entrance , were in John Lewis by the restaurant right on time . This evening , we went to a quiz at the village hall . And we did pretty well , considering there was a round of 20 questions on Christmas hit tunes that we didn 't know , and came third . Guttingly , Al and Dilly 's team came second . And so , my darlings , to bed . An hour 's sleep last night and then a short doze in the morning does not do the Z wrinkles any good at all . I look positively wizened . I 've led something of a charmed life and have had hardly any mishaps . My sister , on the other hand , always seemed to be the unlucky one and has a number of scars . I can pretty well itemise mine . The first dates from the time I was picking roses for my mother , using scissors rather than secateurs . Unfortunately , I absent - mindedly left the index finger of my left hand just behind the stem of a rose and I nearly succeeded in cutting a sizeable chunk out of it . The scar hardly shows now , however , being hidden among the other creases of my knuckle . The second , I received in my early teens . I hated organised games . I 'm not a team player , frankly , and was less one then . I have little or no competitive spirit and was an independent little soul . If I were a child now , I 'd probably be tested for autism , so blinkered was I . I put it down , now , to shyness and short - sightedness . However , there was one unfortunate day when I actually made an effort in hockey - surely the ghastliest game known to schoolgirls , not least because of the short pleated navy skirts we had to wear , which made the slightest lass look hippy . I was short and small , but reasonably nippy , and I dived forwards - sadly , so did a tall girl called Leonarda ( I remember her surname , but it would hardly be fair to mention it here ) who probably lifted her hockey stick a shade high as I dived a shade low . . . my mouth got in the way . I was so polite , you know . I was taken off to be sorted out , blood streaming from my mouth , and left the premises at the end of the day with a thoroughly fat lip . I turned my head as my mother drove up and got in the car , so that I could tell her what had happened before she saw it and was horrified . I have a scar on my lip , but I doubt you 'd know it was there . I can feel the scar tissue , but sometimes can 't see it myself . Remarkably and thankfully , my tooth was completely undamaged . The worst other thing that happened to me in childhood was a sprained wrist . Honestly , I was either very careful or extremely lucky . Maybe the one goes with the other , but I give credit to my guardian angel . You may scoff all you like at any of my religious beliefs , but never say a word of doubt concerning him . He is there , literally . It 's not even a case of belief . It 's a fact . Nothing else ever went amiss with me until I was around thirty years old , and then I ran up against Thumper , as one of our rabbits was unimaginatively called . He was brown and a bit stroppy . I was feeding him in his hutch , put some food in his bowl , then reached to put the rest in , and he bit me . Little beast . I have one scar on my right hand where the lower incisors went in , and another long one where he raked down my hand with his top teeth . I smacked him and never fed him again without gloves on . That was it , you know , until I had my hip op . I did have an operation on my vocal cords , but there is minimal scarring there ( I wasn 't allowed to speak for weeks , darlings , can you imagine ? until it had healed ) and you 'd have to put your whole head in my mouth to look for it , and that would block out the light . On the other hand , I 've got a shedload of moles . The one under my right arm is known as the Mole that Lives in a Hole . Back in the day , my sister teased me about it and I was quite sensitive . Now , I 'm quite fond of it , only hoping it never turns squiffy . Here you go . Let it never be said that music in the ' 50s was anything but totally crap . Thank you , good friends , for your helpful comments . I love blogging and I don 't want to stop . Facebook is okay , but I just keep an eye on it and will never spend long with it , I like GooglePlus - the craic is brilliant ! - but it 's no substitute , and now both Fweng and Ro are pressing me towards Twitter because they like it and I trust the judgement of both , maybe I 'll start to use it - I have an account , but never have posted - but 140 ( or whatever ) characters ? Really , darling , I 'm not even into my stride . I said I 'd tell you a story . Honestly , darlings , what I 'll do for lovely eyes and curly hair . I was stopped by a salesman , who charmed me into buying expensive nail stuff - which of course I won 't use , my nails are rubbish and I sometimes bite them . I don 't habitually bite them any more , but they 're so weak that they break and then I do , sometimes for months . Sorry , I know I 've destroyed your good opinion of me and you love me no longer , but I have to tell the truth at whatever cost . Anyway , I 'm not telling you what it cost , but I 've got enough for three Christmas presents . But then he tried to flog me eye stuff . Actually , it 's damn good . I 've got this crease under my left eye . Not under the right . Well , I had . It 's almost vanished . And this is 36 hours post application . But I 'd said no , and keeping on trying to sell after I 'd said no . . . well , do I look like a pushover , darlings ? Pfft . You 're being silly . I am . . . so far . And then that 's it , and once I 've said no firmly , I don 't change my mind . So I did walk but , adorable as the boy was - oh my word , he was charming . Fortunately , I 'm not susceptible to the charms of boys , and he was certainly gay anyway . Too sweet not to be - but also too pushy not to annoy me in the end , though I didn 't show it . Tonight , I 'm a bit lonely . The Sage has gone away on a business trip . I had to leave the house at 8 . 30 this morning , so we said goodbye - I 'd applied lipstick and , inexplicably , he didn 't want it all over his face , so he kissed me and I kissed the air . And then I left , and I won 't see him again until Saturday afternoon . And I will get lonely . Mountain Goats . But I won 't come to a salty end . And , to clarify , I 'll keep on blogging daily right now . Until the end of the year , at least . And then , I might decide to miss a couple of days , or a week , or not blog if I have nothing to say . But I know that , for some of you , I 'm your daily soap opera . And I couldn 't love you more for it . I 'm immensely grateful , and I thank you . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
A final picture for you , of my childhood home . If you know 0ult0n Br0ad , it 's right opposite the park , although nowadays the yacht club building is fenced off , so you cannot stand opposite the house any more . The house has been divided into two and several houses have been built in the grounds , all with long thin gardens to preserve the building line . The photo was taken in winter , normally there was virginia creeper all over the house . My bedroom , which I shared with Wink as a child , was the one on the top right and was above our parents ' room and the drawing room was below that . The study was in the middle and the dining room on the left . The conservatory led off that . I remember it always being warm and steamy , with a plumbago and a nectarine against the back wall . The building to the left was the garage , a huge two - storeyed one ( there was a work bench upstairs , darlings , it wasn 't a multi - storey car park ) . I 'm not sure whether that was converted to a house or pulled down and rebuilt . The people who lived in the right - hand part invited us over about ten years ago . Very strange to go back again after so many years . They wanted to meet my mother , but I didn 't feel able to tell her about it . She so loved that house and would never return to the road after she sold it . Alex was born here , not in a room you can see from here but at the back of the house , in my father 's childhood night nursery . Only a week or two later , the Sage suggested I go with him to look at a house that his firm was auctioning the next day . It was , like this , a large Edwardian family home , and also a former Rectory . I walked in the door , turned left into the drawing room and , momentarily , staggered and gasped . " Can we buy it ? " Dears , thank you for your friendship over the past year . I hope you have fun tonight , whether partying or curling up in bed early or anything in between . We 're having a family get - together and I 'm just going out to buy ingredients and will spend most of the day cooking . It was not the childhood memories that upset me most the other day . It was the newspaper cuttings . And here they are - they enlarge quite readably - and you 'll see what I mean . I 've been thinking about my father a lot recently , as it happens , triggered by a photo of my baby grandson Hadrian , in whom I recognised my father 's smile and eyes . And then this . . . the second article was written by a reporter called G * * rge Sm * 11m * n - I saw him again as it happens , about three years ago at a Hindu wedding I went to in Lowestoft . I recognised him immediately and we had a lovely chat . You can see the shock and feeling of loss that went into the article , but it isn 't exaggerated , you know . It 's true . What I have felt a keen sense of loss for , during the past 42 ( nearly ) years is not the person described , of course , but the father I knew and loved , and what I 've so regretted is that I didn 't have the opportunity to reach maturity and get to know him as a person as well as my daddy . But reading these and other newspaper clippings , I 've realised that I 've spent much of my life , in particular the last 23 years , unknowingly trying to model myself on him . I 've always wondered , and increasingly so of late , why I have such a huge sense of duty , why I have to feel that I 'm contributing to * the community * ( whatever that means ) and why I feel that it is , outside my family , my purpose in life . I 'm not so unusual in that , of course , I know plenty of others , and many people do far more than I . Nor am I suggesting that it is because my father died relatively young that I have turned in that direction . I don 't feel I am proving myself to his memory or anything like that . I said that the past shapes you , but to be shaped is not necessarily to be scarred . I 'd probably have gone in much the same way , whatever happened . However , I do feel I 've learned something about myself in the last couple of days . And , although I was terribly upset when reading all the tributes , the account of his funeral and memorial service and so on , I hope I 'm going to find it a comfort as time goes on . So much love and respect . But such a loss . One never really gets over it , you know . Posted by A year or so later . Joepie ( pron . Yoopi ) , my Dutch au pair when I was 6 , and we remained friends with her and her sister ( who had been our au pair a year earlier ) for many years . We have more rooms in this house than we use , now that the family has grown up and left . There are two specifically , one which the Sage uses to put stuff in , every time it 's necessary for him to clear up all his chaos and one which I 've stored my late mother 's stuff , cleared from her place next door , where Al and his family live . Most of it was put in there about five years ago and I wasn 't able to deal with it . But in the last year , I 've started to , and now I 'm finishing the job . The intention is that the Sage will then take it over , go through all his boxes of stuff and sort it out . Indeed , I 'll believe it when I see it too , but I have stipulated that a box may not be taken in unless and until it has been gone through . I 'm getting a bit tetchy about this and have hardly a yearsworth of patience left . But in fact , the Sage 's room has to be cleared before that , as various things that he wants to do hinge on it . It didn 't start well when I went in to * my * room and found that boxes belonging to the Sage were lining the walls . Only yesterday , he was blaming my dilatoriness for him not being able to do his sorting out , and then I discovered that his junk was the problem more than mine . And here comes a Useful Tip for a tranquil marriage . Find out really annoying things when you 're on your own . Shout and complain , let rip all you want . Once you 've done it , you won 't have to again and you can be pleasant and constructive when your husband comes home . Nagging is counter - productive and deeply boring . Just listen to yourself , woman . No wonder a man switches off . So , having got angry and got over it , I went through various boxes . A lot of things could be thrown out / put for recycling , and old photos and papers were put on one side , mostly . But I kept coming upon things that I found very poignant . An old puzzle book with my father 's handwriting in . Old Christmas decorations from my childhood that I 'd assumed had been broken , but which my mother had carefully packed away , too fragile to use . The newspaper notice of my father 's death and a letter of thanks from his Oxford college , thanking my mother for a donation in his memory . Looking through more papers and photos tonight brought back more memories , and I 'll scan in some of the pictures tomorrow ( you might see some of them , darlings . Z the tomboy , and Z the bride , Z the little girl and Z 's school report . I was untidy , unsurprisingly ) . It 's better not to look back , you know . Memories , even of happy times , don 't make you happy . They just fill you with regret for what 's gone . Face forward , even if the best is behind you . The present and the future are what matter . The past shapes you , but you shape what is to come . The chicken , Elf / Eve / Pearl , has had a small run built for her . The Sage is feeding the others near her , so that they will get used to being with her and then he 'll let her out . The cocks will be brought along soon - either he 'll have to put them in a run or will have to enclose all of them for a few days , because we don 't want to risk them flying off and getting lost . But now it 's after midnight , and the post I originally wrote was so dull that I deleted it and started again , and there isn 't a thought in my head . So I 'm padding , darlings , with a few recent pictures . Then , some of the same area of the drive as work was in progress . I didn 't put up pictures as we went along , because they weren 't that interesting . And they still aren 't , come to that . But I 'm posting every day until the end of the year , whether I 've got anything to say or not . Posted by Moving swiftly on , darlings ( I 've shown yesterday 's effort to Wink , who is laughing like a drain ) . . . I was talking to Weeza the other day about her childhood Christmases . I may well have written about this before , she and I have discussed it , but I 'm not sure and I trust you 'll either have forgotten or will kindly put repetition down to my old age . I haven 't always been as laid back about Christmas preparations , as I am now . When my children were small , we started before December with the making of the Advent calendars . Then we made tree decorations during December . Our house ( we moved here when Ro was two , or rather the day before his second birthday ) had high ceilings and a big hall and we had a tree that went in the stairwell and could be as tall as the banisters on the landing , so it could take any number of decorations . At that time , we didn 't have much spare money and so the Sage and I made a lot of the children 's presents too . And then I did a whole lot of baking and so on , made cakes and puddings - went to loads of effort . When I was a child , you see , my mother worked for hours in the kitchen to prepare the Christmas meal . My sister and I had opened our stockings when we first woke up , and then that was it . No present opening until after lunch . You can see why I 'm so good at deferring gratification . I learned early . But in fact , never mind the presents , what I really wanted was all of us to be together , not to sit around quite bored for hours before a meal I wasn 't too bothered about - and , after the presents were opened , my mother disappeared again to clear away , and was gone for hours . No question of us all piling into the kitchen and sorting it out , I suspect she actually didn 't enjoy the whole occasion much and preferred to be on her own , leaving Wink and me with the old ladies she invited round for the day . Anyway , I always looked forward to Christmas and never learned from experience that it was going to be slightly disappointing . So things would be different with my children , I resolved . I scheduled in these breaks , when I downed kitchen tools and spent half an hour at a time with them and let them open some presents . Oh , another word here . The family would rock along sometime about noon and wanted us all to open presents together . So I had to compromise , just a couple of parcels at a time so the bulk were still there when my mum , stepdad and sister arrived . And then it was champagne at noon and presents were opened , never mind what needed to be done in the kitchen . There was one matter where my careful planning worked out though . I started buying early and amassed several items for each of them . There were no uncles , aunts or cousins , we didn 't greatly get into the way of exchanging presents with friends because no one had much spare money for them , so I made sure there was a good pile of parcels under the tree anyway . When I 'd got them all together , I spent a lot of time equalling them out . I made sure that the number was equal , so was the cost and even the approximate size . This was never remarked on , so I thought it was just me who knew - I don 't think I even mentioned it to the Sage , it was just what I did to be fair . But Weeza says now that she and Al always compared . Devious little brats . The Sage left for Yagnub , to go and wish various shopkeepers a happy Christmas , and to pick up the local paper that I 'd accidentally left at the greengrocer 's . A couple of minutes later , he was back again . " You won 't believe this , " he started ( I believe anything and everything where the Sage is concerned ) , " but I found a chicken wandering around in the road . " He was indeed holding a large chicken . He said that her crop was empty and he could feel her breastbone sharply , she was thin and hungry . She 's very tame , however and I found a large box - well , that wasn 't hard , I 'd just emptied it of wine bottles in the kitchen - and then gave her a cuddle while the Sage fetched her food and water . She wouldn 't feed from his hand , but started eating as soon as she was put in the box . Here she is , doing just that . We 'll keep her indoors for a few days while she regains strength , and put the word about that we have her in case her owners get in touch . If not , she has found a new home . She can have the run of the porch for now . Squiffany suggests that she be called Elf . The Sage wants to call her Pearl , it being the second name of his friend Frances ( her husband and son run Big Pinkie 's farm ) . I think that Christmas Eve is too obvious a name to pass up . But actually , I don 't really name chickens . I barely remember the names of my own family , calling every chicken by name - hell , choosing a name for each of them and remembering which one is which - is way beyond me . In other news . . . I trotted round the village calling on elderly friends in a Christmas cheer sort of way , and then I went to the Carol Service ( if we find another hen tomorrow , I suppose that will be her name ) where I swayed gently to the music as I played , as I realised part - way through . How undisciplined of me . I 've not done a lot else today . So , darlings , have a lovely Christmas , however you spend it . I love and appreciate you all very much . I feel great warmth from this blog , and I hope you will all be happy . I thought I 'd get on upstairs , and was cleaning the bathroom when there was a knock at the door . Not the bathroom door , the porch door . I scurried down and found Graham - Graham who has sheep , not Graham who has cows . After our chat , I never did go upstairs again , so the bedrooms are unfinished and I 've now been shoeless all day . This may not be unusual for many of you , but I always wear shoes about the house . Always except today , that is . Inevitably , I 've had to keep popping outside for one reason or another , so my feet have been quite cold and damp most of the day . I 'm attempting HTML line breaks , we shall see what happens . I only know the most basic HTML , I have to admit , just enough to inset a link , a hidden message , italics and so on , and I 've never found it a great shortcoming in life . But if I want to use the iPad for posts - and it certainly beats sitting in a cold study with just a candle for warmth ( we 're old - fashioned as far as heating is concerned and tend to put coats on ) - then maybe it 'll be necessary , although I have got symbols for bold , italics , strike through , link , photo and block quote . Not paragraphs . Enough of that , darlings , quite boring enough . So , I hope you are all set for a splendid weekend , and Christmas if you celebrate it . I 'm less set than I was , because I received my tax return from the accountant this morning . I have to admit , I was a bit disappointed . Having paid two years worth of tax last year , I thought it would be rather less this time around . However , apparently I still owe nine hundred and something from last year , have to pay upfront for the current year ( it 's being self - employed that does it ) and am , of course , having to pay tax on this year 's full income , whilst I have about £ 3 , 000 - worth of expenses to off - set , but that won 't be taken into account for another year . First world problems , hey . We shall not end on a low note , however . Least of all , me bleating because I 'm fortunate enough to have enough money to pay tax on . There is certainly some good news . The Sage wentPosted by I seem to have finished the shopping . Except to pick up the fruit and veg orders , of course . Such a luxury , to hand that in , not expecting to go in and put it together myself at 5am on Christmas Eve . Although the years that Alex was a shopkeeper were happy ones . What he wanted was a shop that sold things that people really needed , not the occasnal frippery . He 's enjoying being a postman now , though , with paid holidays and everything . Quite a luxury . I 'm with him there , I haven 't had a paid holiday since I was 19 years old and worked in Lowestoft Borough Library . The Sage has been self - employed since 1968 , so he 's in the same boat . But anyway , this is an achievement . I 've also written out my music for the carol service , and played it through . So , sad as it seems , I have no more excuses and seem to be on house - cleaning duty tomorrow . That this doesn 't happen often is apparent to the least observant visitor . Our last house , the ceilings were way up high , but even I can touch most of ours , which also means that the cobwebs are horribly visible . I don 't mind cobwebs , in fact , which seem to give a homely air to the place , but it 's when the develop dust bunnies of their own that it isn 't , perhaps , such a good look . I was going to tell you all sorts of things but I can 't remember now what they were . I had a nice chat this evening about chilli peppers , and have been promised some . The cows got out again , dammit , but Al suggested they went back to their field and they just trotted back , which reduced the drama of the occasion quite considerably . Maybe I 'll remember tomorrow what was more interesting than that about my day . In the meantime , darlings , rest assured that my life is more quiet and uneventful than yours is . The Sage phoned this morning when he 'd caught his train - he was driving down to Manningtree , because he 's planning to call on friends on the way home . He said he 'd call again during the day , but he hasn 't - at least , there 's no message . I was out for a while . Two whiles , in fact . This morning , I went to practise the carols with Andy for Christmas Eve . The instruments are a shade off key with each other . Just the least little bit , and there 's nothing I can do about it . You have to have a fairly good ear to be aware of it , I think , and with a churchful of people singing , I don 't think it 'll be noticed , so we 've agreed that he 'll do all the intros and I 'll come in with the singers . In the afternoon , I went shopping in Beccles , and have got everything for the children . Not much more to do now . I suppose I 'd better buy some food sooner or later . Still , we 're out for lunch on Sunday , and it 's not as if we want to eat more than usual , hey ? It 's turned very mild again . I was outside when the chickens started to go to roost . When it was so cold at the weekend , they were all piling into the hen house , but now they 're roosting in the trees instead . Only the old black granny ( who has a deformed foot so can 't jump ) is in the hut and she clucked at me when I shone a torch to check before closing the door . I 'm really pleased that my party invitation has received an enthusiastic response . Not from anyone who came last year , as yet , but there we go , maybe one can have too much of a good Z . Or maybe they are a bit too busy to read blogs at the moment . That 's got to be the answer , hasn 't it ? At the moment , a barbed wire fence is being put around the front field . For some years , it has been used to grow hay . Before that , our friend Sally used it to graze her sheep , when she used an electric fence . There are so many rabbits around that the hay crop isn 't that good , they clear a couple of largish areas in the field ( which is almost 4 acres , 1 1 / 2 hectares if you prefer ) , so the Sage has decided it might as well be grazed . Pinkie and Whisper can go on for the time being , but I think it will be good if sheep go on it again . Sheep are very good for the land . Sally doesn 't have hers any more because she has a full - time job in Norwich , but another friend has a couple of dozen and they could winter here next year . We do like having animals around . Which reminds me , I hope we are getting a couple of bantam cocks tomorrow . Johnny the farmer 's brother has them , and is looking for a good home . Of course , they may fight , in which case we 'll end up with one cock , but there 's enough space and enough girls for each to have their own little flock and keep their distance . So I hope , all being well , that we will have some chicks next year . I went to Norwich , but didn 't have too much luck with shopping . I did get things for Ro , so at least , if he doesn 't have time to choose a coat until after Christmas , at least I 'll have something to give him . I 'll go into Yagnub tomorrow for the rest , and failing success there , to Beccles . The Sage is off to London for the day . I 'm going to write out all my music for the carol service on Christmas Eve and go and have a practice with Andy . He 's playing the electronic organ , which he finds easier , with his vasculitis , and I 'll play the clarinet , except for one hymn where we both plan to play the organ . Only problem is , they are half a tone out from each other , so we need to try it out , him playing in E and me in F , to make sure we are okay together . If not , I 'm back on the clarinet . We 've had the gates sandblasted and repainted and they will be fetched back on Thursday , though I don 't suppose they will be put back in situ until after Christmas . Honestly , darlings , those of you who have been here before would hardly know the place . Come to the next blog party to be impressed and astonished . And those of you who haven 't visited , of course , because the Sage and I are quite astonishing in our own right . Or should that be rite ? Weeza doesn 't know quite how I manage it . Zerlina always sleeps for a long time here . Laast night , having gone to bed at 6 , she woke briefly for a drink and a visit to the bathroom about 9 . 30 and then slept right through until after 8 this morning . I 'd been awake for hours as usual and too lazy and tired to get up , which isn 't unusual , so I called to say hello and then we both stayed put for a while longer . We decorated tge the tree later . I wrapped presents last night . This had sunk me into a state of mild gloom . I don 't like doing that until I 'm ready - ie , until I 've bought all the presents . I nearly have , but there 's a notable Gus - shaped exception and I also haven 't bought anything much for Ro . He and Dora live in a tiny place and he hasn 't room fr anything more . Once they move to a house , he says dreamily , he 'll need lots of things , and for the garden too . . . I 've a feeling he 's building up to buy , don 't you think ? Anyway , a few other gaps under the tree , so I 'm going to have a final visit to Norwich tomorrow . A first and last visit , that is , Norwich shops can 't depend on me to stay in business , sad to say . I did feel oddly jagged , though , earlier in the day . Hard to think of a reason , decorating a small Christmas tree can 't have done it really , whatever I said in the last paragraph . In fact , my lack of enthusiasm was probably as a result of my mood rather than the cause of it . The local theatre 's pantomime has brought me out of it , however . Sitting in the back row and no one in front of me , there was nowhere to hide and we joined in with enthusiasm , once Zerlina had stopped being frightened of Abanazar . I 've just had a text from Dilly saying her two had enjoyed it so much they want to go again . Anyway , I 've sung , clapped , shouted ' it 's behind you " and so on , and am now gently dribbling ginger tea down my front - which was a bit of an accident , it was hotter than I thought it was going to be . Still , better than over the keyboard . A friend of ours who works in Aberdeen sends pictures of the scenery once in a while . This is today 's - what he saw when out walking yesterday . Almost makes up for living in Aberdeen , I suppose - not that I 've ever visited the place , but he misses East Angular . I 've added it to the desktop photo folder , which puts up one of around 250 every 15 minutes . I have a low boredom threshold and don 't care to look at the same picture for long . Well , not unless it 's someone really appealing , obv . ( It occurred to me that I hadn 't asked him , so have taken the picture down . Sorry ) Coincidentally , this one just popped up on the desktop , taken by me on Dartmoor a few years ago . The car behind me stopped too ( not as a result of my abrupt halt , darlings , I did pull properly off the road ) , but only I had a camera to hand and was able to snap them before they disappeared . No merit to the photo , and I suppose if you live in the area you see them constantly , but we rarely see any wild mammal bigger than a hedgehog here , so it pleased me . Gus in his pleather jacket looks as cool in real life as in the photo . It is too brilliant for words . All babies should have one . He loves to try and stand , which becomes quite tiring , holding him , after a while . He also enjoyed my singing " Teddy Bears ' Picnic " to him , and when I stopped jigging him about at the end he did a huge double - take when the room stopped spinning round , which was very entertaining to watch . The lunch went very well , and quite effortlessly for me . All I had to do was whip the cream for the trifle and lay the table , and Phil helped with that . Dilly said that lasagne is her favourite food , Hay ate it , carrots and broccoli with his fingers ( they 're bypassing much of the puréed food stage and just giving him bits of what they 're eating ) and everyone had second helpings , Squiffany thirds . A few minor mishaps , when no fewer than four people managed to spill drinks on the table , one of which overflowed into the Sage 's shoe ( luckily , Weeza was only drinking fizzy water ) . I was drinking wine and there was no slip between glass and lip . Zerlina asked to go to bed at five o ' clock , but I gave her some tea - she ate ham , olives , buttered water biscuits and leftover cold carrots , and a garlic clove and then a satsuma , and she was asleep by six fifteen . She just woke a few minutes ago , I gave her a drink , took her to the bathroom and straight back to bed . Tomorrow , the panto . Oh yes it . . . oh , I 've already said that , a couple of days ago . Anyway , the Sage suddenly decided he 'd like to come too . I was able to tell him that I knew there was one seat left in our row and it wasn 't likely to have been sold - who goes to the panto on their own ? - and he has secured it . Look loves , don 't think I 'm behaving totally out of character , but now I 'm going to go and wrap a few presents , and it isn 't even Christmas Eve . Thing is , the children roam all over the house and I don 't trust them not to find what 's hidden in boxes . If those things are wrapped and put under the tree ( which I 'm going to get them to decorate in the morning ) , they can shake and feel but not look inside the packages . Tim in the shop ( as far as I am concerned , there is only one shop in Yagnub and it sells fruit ' n ' veg ) told me this afternoon that Angela has died today . She was the town Mayor , in apparently robust health in May when she was elected , but ill - though still fighting - since the summer . We had all gathered , however , that it was only a matter of time . A lovely woman , anyone who met her both loved and respected her , she will be so greatly missed and the Sage and I , with her other friends , will miss her . A family lunch tomorrow . The Sage was intending to go target shooting with Ro in the morning and then on to an appointment in Ipswich . Then Ro cried off because he has a bad cold ( or man flu , how can one tell ? ) and now the Sage has cried off the appointment too . So , having planned lunch on the basis of no one being available to put things in the oven at specified times , it 's too late to change and I 'm all ready anyway . Lasagne and trifle , darlings . Sounds good to me . ZoëSent from my iPhone Okay , so now I know how he feels when he gets praised . I stared at my feet for a bit and , when everyone clapped , said " thank you - thank you - no , do stop ! It 's a pleasure . " And yes , it has been quite a year at the school and it would all have happened just as well if not for me . I didn 't make the difference , but I have given all the support I can and I 've done pretty well . The flowers are not undeserved , but they are unnecessary . Although the weather has become mild and wet - apparently much of the country has snow - there 's nothing like end of term to make the holiday spirit kick in . I 'm having lunch with two other governors at a nice pub in the next village where they have good food and a log fire , and then we 're going along to the informal pop concert at the school in the afternoon . Great fun , staff and students join in , governors don 't , fortunately . I 've realused I had completely forgotten two people I 'll be buying presents for . I knew about the other three I have yet to shop for . On hear . ( oh dear , that should have been ) . I have , however , biught tickets for the local pantomime for next Monday , which is part of my present to the children and Dilly . And also to Weeza , I should say , because I have not bought a ticket for her . The matter of wthether going to the panto is a treat . . . I just used Siri to set a reminder . I said please and thank you , of course , wouldn 't you ? I was a bit creeped out by his reply though . " Your satisfaction is all the thanks I need . " Look , Siri , that smacks of sarcasm . At Tim 's behest , typos will no longer be corrected on this blog , not until the end of the year . Or possibly just until Christmas because we may all be heartily tired of mt peculiar version of touch - typing by then . I did learn to touch - type though , at school . It was one of the most useful things I did learn ( I was largely self - taught , it wasn 't the most academically - minded school ) . I decided I couldn 't be bothered with French any longer , and declared I was giving it up . Now , what I will say about that school was that they were helpful . So they okayed my decision , but said I had to do something else instead , and was sent to the Business School over the road every week to learn to type . I came to my senses a couple of years later , took O and A Level in French , win / win there . Years later , I said to the Head at the village school that it would be very useful for the children to learn typing , as computer skills were just coming in . ' Oh , but it 'll all be voice recognition in a few years , they don 't need it . " I didn 't agree , but even the chairman of governors doesn 't rule in the classroom , so I didn 't pursue it . But in an office , everyone talking to their computer ? Hardly . Even if it were not for the problem of programming it to recognise your voice . Siri is pretty good , actually , but even so , he put down ' firk ' ( firk ? ) for church the other night . I am told that some people flirt with Siri or try to carry on conversations . Er , no . I 'm not that sort of a Z . I think that I managed that whole paragraph without a mistake . Not bad , for me . I hauled several pieces of beef out of the freezer this morning . Just slices , of braising and stewing steak . Al and Dilly buy from local farmers , but soon over - fill their own freezer and rely on ours . Only trouble is , after a few weeks , they forget about the meat . So it 's there for a long time . I 'll buy them some fresh to replace it . I diced and fried it from half - frozen because I was going out , and I suppose that had some effect , because the sauce had become thicker than I expected . It was just a basic beef casserole , onion , carrot , garlic , red wine , a tin of tomatoes and an Oxo cube ( I don 't qutie trust hte flaviur of frozen meat ) . But it was gorgeous . And there 's loads , I 'll probably freeze some . It 'll be useful when Wink is staying oer Christmas . I received a present from Texas . Thank you very much , LX . I shall enjoy getting to grips with cup and spoon measurements instead of ounces or grammes , and think of you every time I bake . It has been a full day if not a busy one . My friend from childhood , Charlotte , visited us - she last stayed back in February , but has been ill most of the year so , although we 've spoken on the phone , I haven 't seen her . She has moved here from Holland and now lives in the next town , a few miles away . The new boiler was installed yesterday , I paid the bill straight into Mourad 's account this morning . He and James , my tenant , are both happy . My bank account is straitened but not quite empty . I can still afford Christmas , especially as I just had a credit card bill today for only £ 14 . 13 . I am quite a frugal Z , on the whole , which is a rather dismal thing to be , I think . I 'm sure you all have a mental picture of me merrily shopping my way out of the recession . Those of you who visited us in May ( or at any other time ) would not believe the loveliness out in the drive . No weeds in the gravel , a good layer of new gravel and plenty of space to park any number of cars . It 's so spruce and tidy that it makes me slightly uncomfortable . Too perfect , you know ? I don 't really feel quite at ease * with perfection and prefer slight shabbiness and a few randomly scattered items that shouldn 't be there . Still , it 's only a matter of time and I will have my wish . I have every confidence . Darlings , it 's only half past ten but I didn 't get all the sleep I 'd have liked . I 'm going to bed soon . Sweet dreams . Yes , it has been fully and frankly discussed . Yes , thank you eBay , I have been able to retract the bid ( which had gone up to nearly £ 200 by then , so I might feel morally obliged to not disappoint the vendors by putting in another bid to bring it up to that . . . but not tonight , I 'm too cross ) and the Sage has promised to be more careful in future , and get me to do his bidding . Which I get so bored with , mind you . No , things are not totally harmonious in the Zedary . It 'll blow over , of course , it was a mistake and anyone can make mistakes , hey ? The day had been spent charmingly , with Dilly and Hay , and then at the church watching the Nativity play . Anyone who can resist the Christmas story has to be tired of life . You don 't have to believe it 's more than an allegory * to be touched and moved by it , especially when enacted by children . Two girls sang a duet at the Annunciation , while two other girls played the acting parts of Mary and the angel Gabriel . Their voices were beautiful , they are ten years old at most but sang clear and true . The final part of the drive is under way at last . The area outside Al and Dilly 's gate has been scraped down to leave room for gravel , which was then applied and there really is not much more to do , Another few loads of gravel , once other areas have been scraped free of weeds and levelled , and we 'll finally be done . And then we can move on to the next job . I 'd say it 's like the Firth of Forth bridge , but they completed the painting of that . We will never finish here . The prizegiving went very well . I 've probably said before , the school now goes with inviting ex - pupils who have achieved success in a particular field - it 's all about the encouragement of aspiration ( which is the good face of ambition ) . Lorna is a delightful girl and is doing impressively well in her field of media and marketing , and spoke well and entertainingly . I was competent . That 's what I 'm there for , I 'm not the main event but have to do a recap from the governors ' point of view and be appreciative . A few encouraging words are fine , but I need not to draw attention to myself , whilst not actually sending people to sleep . There 's been a lot happening this past year and I couldn 't seem to get my speech under 925 words , which I timed at 5 minutes , 15 seconds . When it came to it , we were in the Sports Hall and the acoustics aren 't marvellous , so I had to wait a bit for the sound to catch up , so it may well have taken nearer 6 minutes . Longer than I 'd wish , but no great problem . No , I wasn 't nervous , I had a bit of a flutter about an hour before , but that 's not out of the ordinary , and I actually don 't mind speaking to a few hundred people . Being short - sighted is an advantage there , I think . I 've been looking through the list of former guest speakers . Back in 1974 , we had John Ebdon . My favourite broadcaster ever , hooray . The next year was Margaret Thatcher . Let 's not get into politics please , I bet she was inspirational . Hammond Innes , Sue Ryder , Viscount Tonypandy - someone had some influence , to get that calibre of speaker . I remember Martin Bell , he was excellent , in his white suit . Louis de B . didn 't give a speech but read a short story , which was entertaining . I have told the story before , which doesn 't surprise me at all . Here and here . I 'd said , the previous day , that it was about the time of the anniversary of our engagement ( not now , but when the posts were written ) so that prompted me at the time . And , having joined Twitter a while ago but never used it , I have been prompted by Rog finding me there . Bring it on , darlings . If you use it , please let me know and I 'll follow you , or whatevs . I 'm not quite with it all yet . But I find half measures a bit dispiriting , so now I 've made a start I 'll use it . I 'll find a button to put on the side so you can find me too . I spent a couple of energetic hours in the garden this morning , which was a very good thing . For more than a week , I 've been mostly sitting down . And I 've hardly been sleeping , which is probably a consequence of that . It all looks a lot tidier now , although that 's a relative term . Those of you who have visited here know both that there 's a fair area around the house and that it was pretty scruffy to start with . This afternoon , the Sage was going to visit our dear friends Arthur and Avery . To my pleased surprise , he suggested I come along . Togetherness isn 't quite the Z and Sage way . I had a brilliant time - the Sage was sorting out his ID at the bank for a while , so left us - Arthur had never quite appreciated that he had been the witness of the Sage and I first getting together . . . can 't remember if I 've ever told that tale , but if not I 'll come back to it . . . but we had a very entertaining reminisce - and this carried on once the Sage returned . Then he produced a huge carrier bag containing three of the four pictures he bought at Bonhams on Thursday . I had asked to see them , but he said he had taken the main one to the restorer , and fobbed me off . I understood this afternoon why he had asked me . He wanted to unwrap them in front of other people . He had bought two watercolours and a charcoal drawing on a whim , unseen , and funked discussing it with me one to one . I have no idea why , I wouldn 't have grumbled , except to ask where they were to be hung . I don 't know why he wouldn 't show me the oil painting before restoration , or maybe just cleaning , either . I 've seen enough paintings to appreciate potential . If I 'm sounding a bit miffed , well I am . Not that he bought them , although why he has this compulsion is beyond me , nor that he 's secretive , because I 'm well used to that . It 's just because it rather detracted from a lovely afternoon with some of our oldest friends . In talking to A and A about that first meeting , I realised something that I 'd managed to forget . In May , we will have been married for 39 years . I 'd Posted by It wasn 't really a difficult day , it just felt like it for a while . The Sage had done a valuation and wanted me to type it up , and a couple of publications are to publish pictures from the sale so needed to be sent the photos , so I did all that , and then I took a break to read the paper , so I was in a relaxed frame of mind when I set off for the interviews . I think I will only have one more next week - unless it 's been held over until after Christmas , and I 'm quite glad of that . I 've not been involved with all of them by any means , only the more senior ones . I had my phone in my jacket pocket on silent , but felt the buzz when I had a call . So , when we had a few minutes ' break , I had a quick look and there was a message from the Sage . I rang him back and he wanted my signature . I had to say that I couldn 't possibly be available for an hour , but to come along after that . To cut a long story short ( and it was a long story , the whole thing took a couple of hours ) , he had slightly cocked up on the bank transfer front and mislaid a chequebook - or possibly a replacement hadn 't arrived and he needed me to help out because he 'd made out a fairly large cheque on an account that couldn 't cover it . This was easily dealt with because there was plenty in another account , except for two things - one , that we had to go to the next town because the bank in Yagnub closes in the afternoon , and two , that I next received a text from my tenant saying that the boiler had stopped working . Oh , and three , actually - I was in the middle of interviewing for a new head of faculty . I felt the tight band of stress around my head . Of course , it was all fine . We went and got the bank sorted out , and the teller was very helpful although there was some unfamiliar paperwork involved . Then I went and phoned the boiler chap and asked him to liaise with the tenant and get the boiler repaired . I texted the tenant , of course - as I had done , reassuringly , in the first instance . And the interviews were fine . And now it 's Friday night ( thank you , AQ , for telling me I 'd lost a day ) , and all I have to do over the weekend is get ready for Speech Day on Monday . It 'll be fine . What 's to go wrong ? PS Mourad the boiler man has just phoned . A new boiler is needed . £ 1 , 900 and something . Oh well . What was I saying about there being enough money in the bank ? Christmas at the Zedary might be a bit quiet . This evening , I went to the Winter Concert at the high school , which is where all the students taking individual music lessons perform , solo or in groups . If they are learning an instrument or singing , they are expected to join a band of some sort . There are several peripatetic instrumental tutors , but only one music teacher in school ( although we will be appointing another one for next September when we gain two extra year groups ) and she gives up nearly all her spare time , breaks and lunches , to open the music rooms for practice and extra tuition . What strikes you more than anything is the enthusiasm and love of music among those young people . It 's a complete delight and really heart - warming . We had some brilliant musicians in the past few years , who now have moved on , and there 's a bit of a gap , but it 's rapidly being filled . I was genuinely impressed by the ability of some of the pupils . There had been some boys with fine singing voices and now the Man Band has been replaced by the mixed - sex Rock Choir , with a majority of girls , and there are not so many classical instrumentalists at present , although they are coming along , but there are some amazing guitarists . One band , really quite stunningly good , is only Year 9 . I 'd assumed they were older , I wouldn 't have expected such ability or assurance from 13 - year - olds . A friend who works in Aberdeen texted me to say , first that he wasn 't able to get home from work because the roads were closed , then to say they had been opened , but he was being diverted because of floods . We had a sudden sharp downpour at about 6 . 30 and it 's still very windy , but nothing like the weather in Scotland and northern England . I haven 't seen the news tonight , I know there 's a lot of power lines down but I hope nothing worse . And now , I 'm having an early night . Not an early start in the morning which is good , I might get some washing on . And tomorrow , I must remember to post a picture of Gus . I 've got Weeza 's permission . It 's fabulous . Today has been absolutely splendid , my darlings . Not that it started so well . I woke around half past midnight , feeling overly warm ( and I 'm not old enough for the hot flush yet , dear hearts , so it wasn 't that ) and realised that the Sage had gone to sleep with the electric blanket on . I was too dopey to get up , so I edged to the far side and went back to sleep - and was woken at ten past one by the burglar alarm . Sadly , the Sage wasn 't . So I got up , checked for burglars , didn 't bother to check for a mouse or spider but turned the bloody thing off . I got back into bed , realised the sodding blanket was still on , got out and turned it off , which woke the Sage . I heard him fumble ( at the blanket controls , darlings , please get a grip ) and said tersely that I 'd already dealt with it . . . and played iAssociates and other fripperies for the next couple of hours . Things improved once I 'd slept and woken again . And then I went to visit Weeza and Gus - who was all smiley and gorgeous . . . well , so was Weeza I suppose . . . anyway , eventually she went to get Zerlina from pre - school and then I went into the city , as we say about here . Only , of course , with a glottal stop . I went down the ci ' ee to do some vital shopping . I do like the Chapelfield mall . I 'm not exactly a shopping mall woman , which won 't surprise you - more a corner shop girl - but it has a good feel to it . I didn 't know where to go , so went to the place that tells you , touched the screen appropriately , and a helpful young man appeared - as if by magic , my loves , like in Mr Benn - and asked if he could help . " Is there an O2 shop ? " I asked ( knowing there was , I 'd checked online ) . He looked pleased . " Just along there on the left , the shop before the Norwich and Peterborough . " " I need to get a key cut . " " That 'll be Timpsons , slightly further along on the left . " Darlings , I was dead impressed and told him so . I got my keys cut by Garth , who was charming and asked what my plans were for the day - no , not in a dodgy way , just conversation . I told him . The lady waiting to be served enthused about her iPhone . The girl at O2 was able to tell me my average phone , text and internet use , which was jolly useful , but they didn 't have iPhones in stock . So I toddled along to my second home . And I was welcomed , made to feel lovely by people who understand and have come home with a beautiful 32GB iPhone 4S , which is already making me happy . I was also happy to find that I can transfer the information on all my apps to it ( I 'd be gutted if I had to start Angry Birds from scratch ) and also keep it all on the old one - everything but the use of the phone itself - and that in due course I can pass it on to the Sage and he can dump his HTC ( or rather , sell it ) . So then , I took the new keys back to Weeza , checked they worked , gave her one and kept two for us ( I have got a key of hers but can 't find it right now ) and cuddled Gus and chatted happily to little z . And , by the way , I 'm so glad that Zerlina likes good food . She ate strong Cheddar , black olives and chorizo sausage for her lunch . She will never be wary about new tastes , and I think that 's jolly fine . That was a long day . We started interviewing at 11 . 15 , finished sometime after 3 and our deliberations lasted a very long time . They were good interviews , it was a hard choice . The Sage is in London at a picture sale today - I 'm not expecting him back until around 10 . I can 't be bothered to light the fire , so am sitting in the unheated study with my coat on . Yes , darlings , I know . I 'll light a few candles to warm myself by . I 've been too tired to move until now , but I 've just fetched myself a glass of wine and I 'll make some dinner in a few minutes . Toast and Marmite or an egg I expect . I had salmon and broccoli bake at school for lunch , it was jolly good and I won 't need much tonight . Poached egg is the most cooking I can face , anyway . Weeza put a brilliant photo of Gus on Facebook earlier , I 've asked if I may post it here . Highly amusing . Tomorrow , I 'll go to Norwich and see them . My phone contract is up next week and so I also need to sort out a new one . That 's as far as I have got in the planning stakes . I 'm sorry , those of you to whom I owe letters ( I think there are four of you , at least ) . I 'm not going to write them tonight either . I really have to switch my mind off for a bit . I 'm planning to watch a DVD and read a book . Simultaneously , of course . I can 't just watch tv , it isn 't possible . Darlings , if you are wondering why I really should skip a post once in a while , I think this shows it . Really , quite uninspired . All the same , it 's good to touch base with you . Does that make me needy ? Eek . Or too reliant on habit ? Worse . I don 't do routine . Posted by This evening , however , the Christingle service at the village church . I was put in charge of the microphones . Judicious turning up and down of volume , and playing a CD when required . I was right at the back of the church , and all the singing that happened seemed to be at the front . So , duty called and I swelled the volume at the back . I 'm no singer , you know . I can hold a tune , I suppose , but I 've got limited range ( I had a throat operation more than 25 years ago and have used that as an excuse for D to be my highest point , under protest , ever since ) and I can 't project a lot . My speaking voice , that 's different . I can boom across a crowded room , if necessary ( but only if , darlings ) . I can 't pretend to have a lot of interest in singing , personally . I prefer an instrument to speak for me - which probably means , to hide behind . My mother , who had a perfectly good voice , was very shy of using it in song , and that must have influenced me . But now , I am humble enough to show confidence , even when misplaced , and so sang aloud . Al and co came along - Hay was perfectly sweet and smiled at everyone until he finally fell asleep when the Christingles were lit and the lights turned off . The church was packed . It was lovely , even though I 'm not wildly happy about religious indoctrination for small children , you can 't count Christingle , any more than any other part of the Christmas story , in that vein . And that 's about all , my dears . Tomorrow , interviewing for an assistant SENCo . Six candidates . They all look good on paper . Another tricky one , then . Good luck , as I say at the start of each interview . It 's my job to ' put them at their ease ' . Me , darlings . Heh . Crikey , I 'm having a bit of a moment here . Being taken right back to when I was a tiny Z . And I was tiny too , a whopping great baby ( nine and a half pounds , darlings , you 'd never believe it ) and then I seem to have just stopped growing after a year or two and I was this little blonde thing whose clothes just hung on her . Do you remember , how mothers used to always dress their daughters alike ? I remember one particular red dress , we had one each . Mine lasted for years , and soon after that I grew into Wink 's , so there I was again . That dress marked my childhood . Anyway , that 's not what I came to write about . When I mentioned the Mole song the other day - I know , I was shocked to find how bad it was , there is nothing to redeem it at all , not even as a novelty - it reminded me of my first two musical loves of a popular nature . And so I looked them up . First , this ditty . I 'd have been two . I know what I liked , it was the marching rhythm , which would have appealed to a toddler , and it was also the lyrics . Lay down your arms and surrender to mine . I thought that was incredibly witty , such a clever play on words . But the this one was my next love . And , playing it . . . goodness , I 'm in heaven . I still absolutely adore it . I can 't manage any sort of critical evaluation , I 'm 1957 Z , in love with Perry Como all over again . I kept the record for years , until Weeza , as a very small child , callously chucked it on the ground , where it shattered , along with my heart . To be fair , this has been on her conscience for her whole life and she bought me an LP of his , some years ago . This was on the B side of the original , which is quite nice , but it 's Catch a Falling Star that will forever be Z 's song . * Sigh * We were going to Norwich today , to meet the Sage 's sister June , Weeza and family and Ro . However , I had a phone call from Dilly ( she and co weren 't coming because it was the school 's Christmas fair ) . There was a cow outside their bedroom window . O K . The Sage was out . I went out to investigate , and Whisper was there , quite calmly eating lawn . I should explain that it 's only Big Pinkie who has a name , the other cows now come with just a number . So we select a name for that season 's cows . Last year was Scarlet , this year is Whisper . I went and said hello and she showed the whites of her eyes in a mildly alarmed manner . Since she was near beehives , I didn 't want to worry her , so I gave her several pieces of apple and she calmed down . Cows like apple . Pinkie was bellowing worriedly for her to go back to the field , but Whisper showed no inclination to return . It was beyond me to drive her in the right direction single - handedly , so I left her to it until the Sage got home . And then Pinkie got out . Anyway , the Pinkster is a wise old cow and very placid , so the Sage and I pointed her in the direction of the gate and she went home . Whisper nearly did , but then veered off down the drive and ended up on the road . Fortunately , an oncoming car stopped her from turning towards the village and she went past the church and down the lane to the further end of her field . Pinkie was making quite a noise , anxious for her friend to return home . It took quite some time , but in the end , half a ton of cow jumped over a three - strand barbed wire fence and ended up right where she had come from . We mended the fence , shut the gate , washed our hands , jumped in the car and , thanks to a place in the car park being available right by the entrance , were in John Lewis by the restaurant right on time . This evening , we went to a quiz at the village hall . And we did pretty well , considering there was a round of 20 questions on Christmas hit tunes that we didn 't know , and came third . Guttingly , Al and Dilly 's team came second . And so , my darlings , to bed . An hour 's sleep last night and then a short doze in the morning does not do the Z wrinkles any good at all . I look positively wizened . I 've led something of a charmed life and have had hardly any mishaps . My sister , on the other hand , always seemed to be the unlucky one and has a number of scars . I can pretty well itemise mine . The first dates from the time I was picking roses for my mother , using scissors rather than secateurs . Unfortunately , I absent - mindedly left the index finger of my left hand just behind the stem of a rose and I nearly succeeded in cutting a sizeable chunk out of it . The scar hardly shows now , however , being hidden among the other creases of my knuckle . The second , I received in my early teens . I hated organised games . I 'm not a team player , frankly , and was less one then . I have little or no competitive spirit and was an independent little soul . If I were a child now , I 'd probably be tested for autism , so blinkered was I . I put it down , now , to shyness and short - sightedness . However , there was one unfortunate day when I actually made an effort in hockey - surely the ghastliest game known to schoolgirls , not least because of the short pleated navy skirts we had to wear , which made the slightest lass look hippy . I was short and small , but reasonably nippy , and I dived forwards - sadly , so did a tall girl called Leonarda ( I remember her surname , but it would hardly be fair to mention it here ) who probably lifted her hockey stick a shade high as I dived a shade low . . . my mouth got in the way . I was so polite , you know . I was taken off to be sorted out , blood streaming from my mouth , and left the premises at the end of the day with a thoroughly fat lip . I turned my head as my mother drove up and got in the car , so that I could tell her what had happened before she saw it and was horrified . I have a scar on my lip , but I doubt you 'd know it was there . I can feel the scar tissue , but sometimes can 't see it myself . Remarkably and thankfully , my tooth was completely undamaged . The worst other thing that happened to me in childhood was a sprained wrist . Honestly , I was either very careful or extremely lucky . Maybe the one goes with the other , but I give credit to my guardian angel . You may scoff all you like at any of my religious beliefs , but never say a word of doubt concerning him . He is there , literally . It 's not even a case of belief . It 's a fact . Nothing else ever went amiss with me until I was around thirty years old , and then I ran up against Thumper , as one of our rabbits was unimaginatively called . He was brown and a bit stroppy . I was feeding him in his hutch , put some food in his bowl , then reached to put the rest in , and he bit me . Little beast . I have one scar on my right hand where the lower incisors went in , and another long one where he raked down my hand with his top teeth . I smacked him and never fed him again without gloves on . That was it , you know , until I had my hip op . I did have an operation on my vocal cords , but there is minimal scarring there ( I wasn 't allowed to speak for weeks , darlings , can you imagine ? until it had healed ) and you 'd have to put your whole head in my mouth to look for it , and that would block out the light . On the other hand , I 've got a shedload of moles . The one under my right arm is known as the Mole that Lives in a Hole . Back in the day , my sister teased me about it and I was quite sensitive . Now , I 'm quite fond of it , only hoping it never turns squiffy . Here you go . Let it never be said that music in the ' 50s was anything but totally crap . Thank you , good friends , for your helpful comments . I love blogging and I don 't want to stop . Facebook is okay , but I just keep an eye on it and will never spend long with it , I like GooglePlus - the craic is brilliant ! - but it 's no substitute , and now both Fweng and Ro are pressing me towards Twitter because they like it and I trust the judgement of both , maybe I 'll start to use it - I have an account , but never have posted - but 140 ( or whatever ) characters ? Really , darling , I 'm not even into my stride . I said I 'd tell you a story . Honestly , darlings , what I 'll do for lovely eyes and curly hair . I was stopped by a salesman , who charmed me into buying expensive nail stuff - which of course I won 't use , my nails are rubbish and I sometimes bite them . I don 't habitually bite them any more , but they 're so weak that they break and then I do , sometimes for months . Sorry , I know I 've destroyed your good opinion of me and you love me no longer , but I have to tell the truth at whatever cost . Anyway , I 'm not telling you what it cost , but I 've got enough for three Christmas presents . But then he tried to flog me eye stuff . Actually , it 's damn good . I 've got this crease under my left eye . Not under the right . Well , I had . It 's almost vanished . And this is 36 hours post application . But I 'd said no , and keeping on trying to sell after I 'd said no . . . well , do I look like a pushover , darlings ? Pfft . You 're being silly . I am . . . so far . And then that 's it , and once I 've said no firmly , I don 't change my mind . So I did walk but , adorable as the boy was - oh my word , he was charming . Fortunately , I 'm not susceptible to the charms of boys , and he was certainly gay anyway . Too sweet not to be - but also too pushy not to annoy me in the end , though I didn 't show it . Tonight , I 'm a bit lonely . The Sage has gone away on a business trip . I had to leave the house at 8 . 30 this morning , so we said goodbye - I 'd applied lipstick and , inexplicably , he didn 't want it all over his face , so he kissed me and I kissed the air . And then I left , and I won 't see him again until Saturday afternoon . And I will get lonely . Mountain Goats . But I won 't come to a salty end . And , to clarify , I 'll keep on blogging daily right now . Until the end of the year , at least . And then , I might decide to miss a couple of days , or a week , or not blog if I have nothing to say . But I know that , for some of you , I 'm your daily soap opera . And I couldn 't love you more for it . I 'm immensely grateful , and I thank you . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
My parents were killed in a car accident when I was sixteen , so I moved in with my uncle . When I was eighteen I got a job at a lumber yard , and that is where I met my best friend , David . Not very long after that my uncle had a heart attack and died , leaving me alone with no relatives . I felt really lonely in my uncles big house ( he had left it to me since I was his nearest relative ) so I sold it and moved into a small apartment . I was still pretty lonely but at least I didn 't feel like I was being swallowed up by the emptiness of that big house . I really missed having a family , and I think that David knew that because he would tell me all about his . He talked the most about his little sister , Laura , and about how close they were . He said that when they were little they would get into trouble for playing tricks on their older sisters , Judy and Amanda . Apparently they didn 't have the same appreciation for jokes and teasing as David and Laura did . Laura wasn 't there because her older sister had just had a baby boy , and Laura was staying with her to help take care of her little neices and nephews . I was really disappointed since I had heard so much about her , and I had really been looking forward to meeting her . David must have seen how disappointed I was because when I left he walked me out to my car and said " Don 't worry , she 's coming home next Tuesday and I 'm planning on having Mom invite you back for dinner next weekend . " He gave me one of his big bear hugs and then I went home to my apartment . It felt so lonely after being with his family , and my apartment didn 't feel very homey . On Wednesday when I went to work David met me with a note from his mom , and it was an invitation to eat dinner with them on Friday . I looked at David , and he laughed at me . " She 'll be there , " he said , " And she 's cooking . You are in for a real southern meal . Don 't tell my mom that I said this , but Laura 's fried chicken is way better than Mom 's . " I sent a note home with David after work to tell his mom that I would be there Friday evening . I couldn 't wait ! It felt like the days would never go by before Friday came around . On Thursday David told me that his two older sisters were going to be there on Friday , too , so I would get to meet the whole family . That made me a little bit nervous , but I wouldn 't have admitted that to David for the world . He definitely would have teased me about that . The next morning when I woke up it was Friday , but of course that makes sense since the day before was Thursday . I was really excited and extremely nervous . Why am I so nervous ? ? ? I kept thinking to myself . This is ridiculous . I pulled into the driveway and put my car in park . I craned my neck , trying to look at my hair in the rear view mirror . I couldn 't get that one little curl on my forehead to comb back . It looked ridiculous . I realized that they were probably wondering what was taking me so long to get out of the car , so I pulled my seat belt off and opened my door . I really hoped that David or his mom would come to the door because if anyone else did ( anyone else as in Laura ) it would be awkward . I walked up the porch steps and across the deck of the two story house , but before I could knock the door was thrown open and Laura was standing there . She smiled at me , and it made me not feel as nervous anymore . I smiled back and said , " You must be Laura . " At that she looked slightly embarrassed , and I felt kind of silly . Then David came in and gave me one of his bear hugs . " How 's your throat ? " He asked me . Tha fellowship that night was wonderful , and it was so hard to tare myself away . I finally got up to leave at about 12 : 30 , but they wouldn 't let me go ' til I had promised to come back whenever I wanted . I made the promise and everybody seemed happy about it . David walked me out to my car , and Laura waved from the kitchen window . I waved back . David looked at me and said , " Well , what do you think about her ? " I got in the car and headed back to my apartment . It filt kind of lonely there after being part of a family for several hours . I sighed . " David was right ; it is wise to wait a while . . . " I read my Bible and prayed for an hour before going to bed . I asked God to give me wisdom , and asked Him to help me know for sure if Laura was the one for me . I also asked that if she wasn 't God would help me to be content , and ended as always with " Thy will be done . " Two or three weeks after I met Laura David invited me to gohome with him after work on Thursday , and stay ' til Monday morning when we went back to work . I was thrilled with the offer so I accepted . It was such a special time , just getting to know Laura and her parents better , and growing even closer to David . I started spending every other weekend with them like that , and after praying a lot I made the decision to join their reformed family - intigrated church . I even started calling Mr . and Mrs . Shey " dad " and " mom " . By this time I really felt like Laura was the one for me , but I hadn 't talked to her father yet . For some reason I felt kind of nervous . I finally decided to buck up and do it so on Friday , the 18th of August , I asked her dad if I could talk to him after dinner . I was so nervous that I was sweating really bad and I felt like I would buckle over when I stood up . " Dad ? " Man ! It felt so good to hear him call me " Son " . I had missed having a dad for nearly five years until I adopted Mr . Shey . " Sir , I would like to ask your permission to court your daughter , Laura . " It felt good to have it out . He laughed at me and said , " Her mother and I have known that this would come up sooner or later , and we are perfectly willing , as long as she is . I 'll ask her about it after you go to work on Monday , and we 'll make sure you know what the answer is when you come back Friday after next . " He gave me a bear hug , and I knew then that was where Jonathan got the habit . It was a good habit to have . It felt like years between then and the Friday after next ! I spent a lot of time on my knees , asking God to give me grace , strength , and peace . It was Wednesday , two days before I would go home with David and " learn my fate " so to speak . I was feeling pretty tired and my cough seemed to have gotten worse . I was starting to get irritated about it because since my attack of Chronich Bronchitis nearly two months ago I hadn 't stopped coughing . I was in the middle of a coughing fit right before lunch break when David walked up to me . " Jonathan , " he said " the boss just anounced that we get to go home early . It 's his anniversary tomorrow so we don 't have to be back ' til Monday . " " I will if you call your dad and make sure that it 's fine with him . But wait , before we do that we can go to my place and eat lunch . I think I have a couple of frozen pizzas in the freezer that we can have , if that sounds good to you . " He liked the idea so we took my car and drove to my apartment . While I put the pizzas in the oven David called his dad . He came into the kitchen after he hung up . " He said of course you could come on over , and it was silly to think that you would be in the way or anything . You are just like family ! He also said that Laura and Mom are excited about the extra time that they will get to spend with us . So I 'll watch the pizzas while you go pack your bag . " I gave David one of his bear hugs and ran into my room to pack my duffel bag . Every couple of minutes I peeped into the kitchen to make sure that David wasn 't burning the pizzas . I finished packing right when the timer I had set for them went off . We ate pretty quickly and then headed home to David 's house . I was feeling a little nervous about what Laura 's answer would be , and I think David knew because he kept up a stream of lively banter until we pulled into the driveway , and then he punched me in the arm and said , " Don 't ever forget that God has a plan to be worked out in everything . Everything . " We made our way up to the porch . Laura opened the door as usual and said , " Welcome , Jonathan ! Hey David ! Mom and I were thinking that we should celebrate the early holiday tonight . " " How does bowling sound ? " She looked from me to David , and from David to me . I smiled at her and she smiled back at me . " I 'll take that as a yes ? " " Yeah , I like it ! That 's great , David . Now I don 't have to worry about you punching me in the middle of the night when you 're having a nightmare . " We laughed and joked around with eachother while we changed out of our work clothes and into something a little nicer for the outing . Laura had decided that we would go to her favorite Chinese restaurant for supper , wich made the rest of us happy because it was also our favorite restaurant . David and I were secretly glad that she hadn 't picked a pizza place since we had just had pizza for lunch . We agreed that children are a blessing from God , and that using birth control is a sin . God comanded us to " be fruitful , and multiply " not to " have one or two kids and then stop " . Lots of people I knew in our own church didn 't agree with me on that subject , so I was glad to know that all of the Sheys did . " Sure I can ! I had a feeling that you would want my help so I got onto Laura 's Pinterest account and looked at her ' ring ' board . I memorized all of the ones that she liked the most . Thankfully she had them listed favorite to least favorite . " " Great ! " I said , " You don 't know how worried I was about finding the right one . Now I don 't have to worry very much about that anymore . I am planning on asking her tomorrow evening while we are all out walking . " " Okay . I 'll make sure that we walk a little bit too fast for y ' all or something . Do you want me to clue Mom and Dad in ? " The next morning we got up at seven and ate a quick breakfast of Laura 's homemade granola , and then headed off to the mall to start the search for the perfect engagement ring . We went to the stores in order of which one opened the earliest , and after five stores and nearly three hours of looking at rings without finding the right one , I was about ready to give up . I knew that having the " perfect ring " wasn 't the most important part of having a " perfect marriage " ( being a marriage founded on Christ ) but I wanted to get the one she wanted . We had one more store that we could look in before we would have to go to a different city , so David and I started praying that we would find the perfect ring in this store . " That 's the one ! " David pointed at a poster that was on the back wall of the store . Excited , I hurried over to the counter to ask the salesman if they had any of those rings in stock . " Do you have any other stores that carry the same ring ? " David was always the one that could think rationally in situations like this . But then , he wasn 't the one planning on asking someone to marry him in a couple of hours . It took us about an hour and fifteen minutes to get from Tryon to Leicester , but it was worth it to me to make sure that I got the engagement ring that was perfect for Laura . We got the ring and then headed back to Tryon to eat lunch , and on the way we stopped at a park - n - sell to look at a couple of cars . I didn 't find one that I liked , so we headed back to the house . Laura came out on the porch to meet us and ask if I had found a car that I liked . I told her no and tried to act a little bit discouraged . I guess it worked ' cause she said she was sorry and ran inside to get me some sweet tea . While I was drinking my sweet tea we ( we as in David Laura and I ) decided that we should play cards while waiting gor Mom and Dad to be ready to go on a walk . We played Uno attack for about forty - five minutes and the they were ready , so we headed off into the backyard to walk through the pines . Mom and Dad walked ahead of us until they were pretty far ahead . David Laura and I walked to gether until David ran ahead to look at " something " . I 'm not sure what the " something " was , but I 'm pretty sure that it was fictional . Laura and I talked for a minute or two and then paused . It felt awkward for a minute or two , and then I said , " Laura , our courtship has gone really well , and so far we have been on the same page in all of our questions . Do you have any more questions for me ? " She thought for a minute and then shook her head . " No , Jonathan , I can 't think of anything else . Do you have any more questions ? " I remember thinking how beautiful she was while I put the diamond ring on her finger ; beautiful on the inside and on the outside . We stood still for a moment while I prayed and asked God to bless our relationship together , and I asked that He would be glorified through our marriage . After I prayed Laura prayed and thanked God for bringing us together and asked Him to help all of the wedding plans to go smoothly . After we finished praying we ran to catch up with the others and tel them the news , which wasn 't really news to them since David had already clued them in . Everybody was really happy , and Laura and Mom were crying , but Laura said it was happy tears . Dad asked me if I knew where we were walking to , and when I said no , I didn 't , he said , " We are walking over to your new place , if you and Laura are willing to take it as an engagement gift from your dad . " Monday morning David and I left for work . On Thursday right before we got off of work Laura called and said that if I agreed , she and her parents thought that I should go home with David every weekend now instead of every other weekend so that we could work on wedding plans and house plans . I agreed that that would be wise , so before we headed home , David and I went to my apartment so I could pack a bag . On the way home I stopped at a flower shop and bought Laura a bouquet of red roses . Thankfully David didn 't see anything about that to tease me for , although he did grin at me when I pulled up to the shop . Laura really liked the roses , and ran to put them in water right away . In the evening we started calling building contractors , and then we called some more on Friday . We finally called a friend from church that had built his own house and had planned a couple other houses . He came over Saturday afternoon and we started some plans for the house . It took us about two or three weeks to get the house plans the way that we wanted them , and then we hired a building contractor to start the work . While we were working on the house I noticed that my cough was getting worse and I was starting to have chest pains a lot . I was also getting really tired and out of breath a lot , even when I was taking it easy . I was getting pretty concerned about it so I told Mom and asked her what I should do . She suggested that I go to a doctor and get my lungs checked , so I got an appointment on the upcoming Tuesday . I called my boss to ask for a half day off for the appointment , and he said that that was fine . At the appointment the doctor did some tests and asked me a lot of questions and decided to do a CT scan of my lungs . He told me to come back the next Tuesday for the results , and then I went to work . My boss said I could have the next Tuesday . On Tuesday morning I went back to the doctors office to get the results from the CT scan . The doctor looked really serious when I sat down in his office . " Mr . Howard , " he said , " you have lung cancer . " He told me that the cancer had spread outside of my lungs . He also told me a bunch of other stuff about what type I had , and what my life expectancy was , and then he gave me some papers before I left . I remember feeling like I was in a daze and I couldn 't really think straight for a few minutes . I got into my car and drove to a park so that I could walk around for awhile and try to clear my brain . I did a lot of thinking and praying , and then I went home to the Sheys to tell Mom what the results were . I talked to her in the kitchen for a while , and she cried when I had told her everything . She called upstairs to Laura and told her that I needed to talk to her . I remember that as she came down the stairs into the livingroom that she was humming the bridal march and that she looked very happy . She laughed as she came down the last couple of steps and then when she got to me she looked up into my face . I guess that she could tell that something was wrong because she suddenly got serious and said , " What 's up , Jonathan ? " We walked on side by side for a minute or two in silence while I tried to think of how I should tell her . Finally I decided to just tell her the truth , plain and simple . There really was no way to break it to her easily . " Listen , Laura . You don 't understand . I waited too long to go see why I wasn 't getting over my attack of Bronchitis and now it has developed into lung cancer . I have a type called bronchoalveolar cell carcinoma , and it 's terminal . " I thought for a minute or two before answering . Then I finally said , " Laura , I 'm not going to ask you to go through this with me . I 'm letting you out of the engagement . " After she stopped she lifted her head and looked me in the eye , and I will never forget what she said to me . She said , " No . It took two to make the engagement , and it will take two to break it . I love you . When I said I would marry you , I knew that marriage would be a sacrifice . I didn 't necessarily know that it would be this kind of sacrifice , but I knew it would be a sacrifice . Jonathan , even if it 's going to be terrible , and I might be scared , I 'm not gonna jump and run and leave you to suffer by yourself . " She swallowed another sob before she continued . " The Bible says , ' A greater love hath no man than this ; that he lay down his life for a friend . ' I love you so much , and I would give anything to suffer in your place . Please , Jonathan , please let me do this ! You didn 't answer my question . How long do we have ? " " Honey , don 't worry about anything . God has a plan for us , and even if we don 't see it or don 't understand it , it 's still perfect for us because it 's what God wants for us . He promised not to test us above our abilities , so that means that if it seems too hard it 's because we are depending on our own strength instead of God 's . So come on ! I 'll race ya to the mailbox ! " We went inside for supper and while we ate we talked over more wedding plans . After dinner we sat around talking for awhile and then I got up to head home . Before I left David came up to me and gave me one of his special bear hugs and said to me , " Jonathan , never choose to bear a burdan alone when there is someone who is more than willing to bear it with you . Laura has a strong faith and a loving nature , but even if she had been willing to let you bear this burdan on your own , I never would have been . I love you , brother , you mean a lot to me . And make sure that you come over good and early on Friday so that I can spend some time with you , too . " I had to choke back some tears before I could answer him . " Thanks , brother , " I said , " I love you too . And I 'll be sure to be here early on Friday , and if you would like me to , I will take you out to lunch on Friday so that we can have some one - on - one time . " Laura walked out to my car with me , and while we were walking out I said , " Thanks for all of the encouraging words today ; it gave me a whole different outlook on everything . Oh and thanks for that other thing , too . " I grinned at her , and she looked puzzled . She waved at me with her left hand , and the moonlight made her engagement ring sparkle . I caught my breath , thinking about how beautiful she was , and remembering what David had said about her : " a strong faith and a loving heart " . Yeah , she had faith alright ! She had a stronger faith than I had . I was a terrible " doubting Thomas " and I still am , but I think that is why God gave me Laura , because she makes up for my lack of faith with her abundance of faith . I spent all of my spare time in the next two days packing up my stuff and cleaning out the apartment , and on thursday we decided that I better not try to go to the Sheys as usual so that I could finish packing . I took David out to lunch on Thursday , and he spent the night with me . Before we went to bed I decided to call Laura , and if I remember correctly , this is how the conversation ran : " Regret what ? This phone call ? ' Cause I will regret it if you waste your time trying to talk me out of marrying you tomorrow . It won 't work ! I mean , trying to talk me out of marrying you tomorrow won 't work . So don 't even try it . " " No ! No way ! You are the most wonderful woman I have ever known . I love you so much that I can 't even begin to tell you . No words will explain it . I was just praying and thanking God for you before I called . Why would he pick such a wonderful woman for such a sinner like me ? It 's just mind - boggling . " " Wow . I had no idea that you thought of me like that . It 's so sweet to hear you say that . Hey , I want to apologize to you for being kinda take - over - ish about everything . It 's not my place to boss people around , you 're the boss . " " Of course I forgive you . But really , there 's nothing to forgive . You haven 't been bossy at all , except for when you said you would marry me when I tried to let you off , but if you hadn 't put your foot down there I don 't know what I would have done . " She laughed and then we kept on talking for awhile , and didn 't hang up until one in the morning . David and I stayed up talking until about three in the morning and then got up at 7 : 00 and headed over to the house . We got there at 7 : 30 , so Laura and I spent half an hour reading the Bible and praying together before the ceremony . At eight o ' clock Dad walked Laura down the staircase and gave her to me , and that was the first time that we held hands . At about 8 : 30 I kissed Laura for the first time , and then everybody went into the dining room to eat the wedding breakfast . After the breakfast Laura ran upstairs to put on a different dress , and then she threw her bouquet . A friend of hers from church named Lacey caught it , and I elbowed David in the ribs . " Is that the girl that you told me about last night ? " I hugged David , and then I went to hug Mom and Dad before Laura and I left for our short honeymoon . Because of my work we could only have until Monday morning . We had a wonderful honymoon at a small inn near the lake , and we came back Sunday morning for church . After church we went home to our own little house . While we were gone , David had gotten some friends from church to help with the finishing touches in our home , and when we went in there were gifts for us piled on the kitchen counter . Among them was a card from my boss , giving me the next week off , and a weeks worth of pay . That was probably the best gift that we had received . We felt so loved . All of our friends had remembered us with gifts and special notes , and we both cried over them all . We did a tour of the little house , holding hands the whole time . We spent that first week together taking long walks , and just talking and laughing . We started a tradition of having someone over for dinner every Friday , and we loved the fellowship . We still do . One evening when we had been married for two months , she met me at the front door with a white envelope in her hand . After I kissed her I asked her what she had in her hand , and she told me that I would have to catch her to find out . She took off runnimg into the house and I chased her all over it . I finally caught her when she tried to dive over our bed and held her down . I kissed her and then she handed the little white envelope to me . I opened it up and inside was a small piece of paper that said , " Happy Father 's Day ! " on it . I looked at Laura , slightly puzzled . " Is this some kind of a riddle ? Or wait . . . are you trying to tell me what I think you 're trying to tell me ? " " Aren 't you excited ? " She giggled like a twelve - year - old girl . This was one of the very happiest days of my life . We started planning how we would decorate our baby 's room , and painted it together . We had David and her parents over for dinner the next Friday and told them all about it . We were all so happy . And then I started getting even worse . I started feeling a lot more tired in the evenings , and I got to where I didn 't feel like eating much . My favorite thing to do in those next days was to sit on the porch swing with Laura , and hold her in my arms . I went into the hospital on the four - month anniversary of our wedding . Our church friends came to visit me a lot but I liked it best with just Laura , or with Laura and our family . I just wanted to be with the people that I really loved because I knew that I didn 't have much longer , and every second counted . I don 't remember a whole lot from when I was in the hospital because I was on a lot of meds and I slept a lot . I do remember that one day I was sleeping and in my dream God told me that He would see me someday , and that He loved me . I thought I was dying so I made myself wake up and tell Laura goodbye . I remember saying to her , " Laura , I love you so much . Never forget : ' a greater love hath no man . . . ' " and then I guess that I fell back asleep . I don 't remember a whole lot from the next day or two after I told Laura goodbye but I do remember that sometime after that they took me in for a CT scan , and then after that I woke up from a nap and heard Laura telling David something about a miracle and crying . I thought that I must have gotten worse , and then I fell asleep . About two weeks later I was rushed off for some type of surgery , I didn 't know what because I was to groggy to understand everything that Laura and the doctor were saying to me . I do clearly remember that right before I was rushed off for the surgery Laura kissed me . After the surgery Laura told me that there had been a miracle and that God had taken away the cancer that had been outside of my lungs , and the doctors had thought my case was critical enough for me to be high up on the list of people that were waiting on a lung transplant . She said that another miracle happened because I got a donor so soon after being put on the list . About one month after my surgery our son , Jonathan Russel , was born . Two months later David came into my hospital room and told me that he was engaged to Lacey , and asked me if I would be Best Man . Of course I said yes . I was so excited for him , and Laura was too . Lacey came the next day and asked Laura if she would be her matron of honor and she excepted . David and Lacey were planning on getting married about a month after I got out of the hospital so that I would be rested enough for the festivities . It was a beautiful wedding . I felt so honored to be standing next to David . Of course , I had always known that he would want me to be his Best man , just like he had always known that I would want him to be my best man . Just thought I had to say that I read this , and really enjoyed it . Is it based on any true courtship story ? I LOVED the last sentence . Loved , loved , loved ! : ) I WAS wondering if maybe you idealized courtship perhaps in a way that makes it sound like it is without very much struggles . I really believe that courting someone should allow some more time - time seemed to be going really fast . I also don 't think it 's also all about just " agreeing and asking all the right questions " . . . . that is just how I felt . I 'm not saying that you need to expand on their struggles in dating either . Because you don 't want to tell everything . Also another thing I noticed is that you mention some things that are controversial like " birth control " , and you just past by it so fast . Again , not to say to expand , but to ask WHO are you writing for ? Conservative homeschoolers associated with the " staying pure , skirts , etc " - is what I 'm feeling this is written for . But there 's a whole broader audience out there , and who will not understand or appreciate such topics just mentioned briefly and passed over . Especially in a short story , where there 's not much time . I would say keep it simple . And know who you want to be writing for . If you wanted to make a story on against using birth control or whatever , that 's a different story . I also saw alot of typos and grammar mistakes , but basic enough you should be able to find them yourself . I liked the beginning and understand the characters more . And seeing the other side of the story . Lucy Anne | Mon , 12 / 08 / 2014 Oh and the courtship is based loosely off of not only my sister 's courtship , but also a couple of my friends as well . : ) I 'm not saying that all courtships are easy and the same , I know some people that went through difficult courtships and failed courtships . But in my story the courtship was not the highlight , or the main focal point , so I breezed through it . If I wind up making it into a full book I will enlarge on it . Damaris Ann | Sat , 12 / 27 / 2014 |
I have not posted in a while . There are a couple of reason . Partly because I have been busy . Partly because not much has changed and I didn 't see the need to bore anyone further with my heart break . T and I have not seen very much of each other in the past month . Once . Maybe twice . We text a few times a day and we speak on the phone only about every third or fourth day . It 's too painful for me to talk to him sometimes . He tries to talk to me about things like nothing is wrong . I know that he missed me too and is putting on a brave face . I am not as good at putting on the brave face . I end most of the conversations upset . Sometimes with tears . We have talked about the posibility of going back to the way thing were . I asked T what would happen if his mother objected ? Would he abadon me or would he stand up for us . Would he tell his mom that we were a couple and this is what he wanted ? Last night I went to visit an old friend . Years ago I wrote about him . He was a guy who lived across the street from me . He came out and had an ugly divorce from his wife . After years of making poor and risky decisions , he now has a really good partner and a solid relationship . He has exactly the kind of a relationship that I want for myself . No , it is not perfect . I can see there are flaws . However , they deal with them together . Exactly the way these types of relationships should work . No one should have to deal with anything alone . I hung out with them for several hours . We talked a lot , mostly about normal stuff . Kids . Home improvement . Very little about my relationship with T or theirs . I did get to meet one of their moms . She lives in the house next door . She was very nice . Clearly she was accepting of her son AND his partner . There was no second thoughts . There was no reservations . It was just as natural as can be . I have not slept in weeks . I cannot concentrate on things . I find I am distracted often . When I am not focused on work or the immediate needs of the children , I am thinking of T . I picture him sitting around his dining room table with his family . Thy tell discuss talk about the day they have each have had . They laugh together at the funny stories . Today he and his sisters went a family friend . This friend has a young daughter ( less than one year old ) and they are meeting her for the first time . As I was flipping though Facebook today , there was T 's smiling at the baby . I did not expect to see him . T does not use Facebook ( he avoids technology stuff ) but his sister does and I am friends with her . I am empty inside . I was to see T . I want him to come and hold me . I want him to tell me , this was all just a big mistake . I want him to tell me that he loves me , and he never wants to be apart from me ever again , no mater what his mother or anyone else says . I want desperately to call him tonight . I want to tell him how much I love him . Tell him how much he means to me . But I am afraid , I will say something stupid or hurtful . For all the love I feel , I also feel hurt on a level I have never felt before . And it 's wake , a whole lot of anger . In some ways , I feel like a wounded animal . I guess maybe I am . I want to ask why , if he loves me as much as he says , would he put me though all this pain , just to keep his mother happy ? Why would he choose to destroy me just to keep the illusion of harmony in his house ? It 's almost as if he never really understood the depth of my love for him and therefore did not expect the level of pain that I would endure when I was forced to walk away . My head knows these are not fair questions , but my heart hurts so much , I know that my judgement is clouded . Others I have talked to tell me this will pass . They are people who have has many short term relationships in their lives . For them a long term relationship is measured in months . That is not me . For me they are measure in years . I dedicate myself . I focus on someone . I plan a life around them . In this case foolishly , because I was warned not to , but I did anyway . As the days pass the pain in my heart gets worse not better . I had hoped that sharp stabbing pain would have turned to a dull throbbing pain , but it has not . The blade continues to twist . I should be able to walk away . I should be able to say , " Fine . If he doesn 't want to be with me , I will find someone who does . " But I can 't . I get that I am lucky . I get that some people never find someone that really loves them . I have . Twice . First there was K . There there was T . K is re - married has how found her happiness . I was convinced that T was the one for me . I wanted him . He wanted me , or I thought that he did . But for whatever reason ( choose any of the ones I have offered ) that relationship I saw in my dreams slipped though my fingers . I am pissed about it . I need to be angry at someone . For most of the past few months my anger has alternated back and forth between T and his mother . One is too controlling and the other lacks the courage to stand up for himself . T and I have talked about this many times . Many times I nagged him . I told him what I thought he should do . I begged him to put our relationship before others . I whined and cried while I tried to convince him we would be happy together . Nothing worked . I allowed myself to engage in wishful thinking , well after I knew it was futile . I allowed myself to ignore T 's warning repeated warnings . I allowed myself to get to this point . This is my fault . It might make me feel better to blame T and his mother , but I need to focus the anger where it belongs . T is adapting himself to the reality that we are over . I am not adapting as well . We spoke on the phone tonight . He seemed OK . I was barely holding myself together . He says he is a survivor . ( I did briefly wonder why he could not be a survivor by dealing with any fallout that could come from being with me . I did not ask him about it . It really does not matter now . ) But I think that I have hit the bottom . I think I am at my lowest point . I don 't think the pain can get worse . I think I have a clear understanding of the situation . I know that all hope is really gone , I know why , and I know who to blame . Now I need to find a way to pull myself together and move on . Thank God I have a job keeps me busy and Children that take a lot of my time . If I had a lot of extra time on my hands I would go fucking crazy . As a side note . I deleted my Adam4Adam profile today . I was not getting any traction on it anyway . I need to take a break for a while and get my head on straight . Posted by After my last post , I have been thinking more . T and I have gotten together once and we have talked on the phone at least twice . We had a conversation the other day about a bird that changed my whole outlook . T is planning on opening another clinic location and he has been scouring Craigslist for people selling artwork cheaply so he can decorate the walls . During one of these sessions he noticed someone selling a parrot , with a cage for a very cheap price . He offered to buy it for me . I thought that was sweet and I would love to have a parrot . However , parrots need attention and since I am rarely home , I declined his offer . It 's the same reason I cannot have a dog . I just am not home enough to take proper care of an animal . The next day , he called me to chat . During the conversation I learned he was on his was to get the parrot . He was getting it for his mother . I was speechless . For her to treat him the way she does and then for him to reward her with gifts , was just stunning to me . If my mother was overbearing and controlling , I can see where I might go - with - the - flow , but I would sure as hell not be buying her random gifts . Especially a gift that would be sure to outlive her . And then it hit me . Maybe his mother was not abusive at all . Maybe she was not really a manipulator at all . What if this is really where T wanted to be all along ? T told me on day one , he would never be able to live with me , or anyone else . So , it 's not like I was not warned . But I think I had the reason all twisted around . Maybe it 's as simple as T is just happy there . Maybe T has lived with his family for so long he is happy there and does not want to leave . He does not really want to live with me at all . Yes , I know he loves me . I know he likes to have me come over to snuggle on the couch sometimes . He likes to have dinner out with me and sometimes we even see a movie . But he is happiest and most comfortable with his family . Maybe I completely mis - read the situation . I assumed that , like me , he want to leave the relationship he had been forced into while he was in the closet . I assumed he would want to come out , meet a man he liked , fall in love , and someday get married . I assumed he wanted that , because that is what I wanted so , of course , everyone else wanted that too , right ? I think I was sooo wrong . I am going to stop talking about T 's mother . I am going to stop taking about how our relationship could come back or be more if only she would ________ . I am going to to stop encouraging him to push back on her . Because the truth is , he probably likes his life right where he is . He is comfortable there , He is happy there . There are are a couple of reasons I do not simply walk away from T and end the pain . Not the least of which is , I am not convinced walking away would , in fact , end the pain . T will not like much of what I am going to write today . These things are on my mind , however , and I need to get them out . Sunne has figured me out . In directing comments toward T she said , " He still wants to see you because he still loves you and still hopes . " That really sums it up . I honestly don 't know why I still hope . He has told me it is not going to happen . But I think that because he has expressed frustration with his situation , there the tiniest morsel of hope . I feel like there is something there that if I can just nudge the right spot , he will see that he can change is situation . If he can see that I am the one who loves him and supports him for who he is . His mother is selfish . She does not accept him . She does not want him to be happy . Well , she wants him to be happy living his life as she want him to , but not as he wants for himself . , She manipulates him and his siblings with enough guilt so they stay in line . If one of them steps off the path she will complain about it to the others . The offending sibling gets the silent treatment . She tortures all of them if she does not get her way . T has it in his mind that somehow HE is responsible for the moods of this 70 + year old woman . He is not . She knows exactly what she is doing . T and his sisters are playing right into her hands . She gets what she wants and they live lonely miserable lives . As a parent myself , I can see her for what she is . I would never , NEVER do what she is doing to my children . That said , why don 't I just walk away ? In the past I have made the analogy that T is like a drug addict who has not yet hit rock bottom . He is in an unhealthy situation and , he has been in it for so long , it has become comfortable for him . He knows it is not right but he feels trapped . I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks . If he was a addict , I think I would find it a lot easier to walk away . I would leave him to his addiction knowing that he needed to hit rock bottom before he could get better and take his life back . If he were doing it to himself , I would let him work it out for himself . I was writing this , I changed my mind . He is not like an addict at all . He is a victim and that is why I am having such a hard time leaving him . Sub - consciously I think I always knew . Despite his age , and his mother age , she is abusive . I don 't know if she has been abusive to him his whole life , but certainly she has in the time I have known him . I 'll bet at least in the time since he came out of the closet . I will not be talking about this again . I think it is too personal and private . I will not be talking about any more specific behaviors or situations beyond what I have already mentioned . The only reason I am taking about it is to answer the question : Why don 't I just walk away ? Yes I love him , but you do not walk away from some one who is being victimized . ( Even if they will claim that they are not . ) Especially if that someone is someone you are deeply in love with . Will be able to save him ? I don 't know . Probably not . At the moment , he knows he needs saving , but is resisting all my efforts . I guess when he comes around , I want to be there for him . I want him to see that I was there . I was loyal to him , like he was loyal to me though my divorce . I want him to see that I am the one who loves the man on the inside . I don 't care what the people at church gossip about . I only care that my man is happy and feels the love I have for him . ALL OF HIM . Not just the parts of him that fit what I want him to be . Or the parts that make me look good to the rest of the " community " . This was his sage advice for me when I was doing something that was ultimately causing me grief . Usually the root cause boiled down to some sort of procrastination on my part . It was a stupid thing for him to say , but I knew what he meant . It was true then . It is true now . If you are doing something that is causing you pain or stress and you stop doing it , the pain will probably stop . I am sure it can be applied to my current situation . My brain gets it . While T and I are perfect together , we are incompatible in our life goals . The problem is , only my brain gives a shit about life goals . My brain knows the score . My brain has known for a long time this will just not work out in the long run . Not as long as T 's mother has the out - sized influence she does on his life to where she is a 3rd party in our relationship . My heart does not know about his mother . My heart only knows how happy I am when T and I are together . It only knows how it sings when I am being held in his arms . It only knows how it beats faster every time I see him smile , or when get a text message from him in the middle of the day . It just makes me happy beyond reason . All my heart can think about is the next time we will be together . Well , that is not all my heart can think about . It also thinks about the emptiness it feels when T is not around . When I go for 2 weeks without seeing him it aches for his touch . It longs for that connection that can only be filled by his physical presence . I 'm just not ready . I am not ready to let go . My heart is so desperately in love with him . I simply cannot imagine not having him to talk to . To be sure , the conflict between my heart and my brain is causing me pain , but I just am powerless to do anything about it . I have seen T be strong , direct , and pointed in difficult situations in his business life . I have been him be this way in other areas of his personal life when he felt disrespected . But he turns into a wilting flower where his parents or other family members are concerned . This is a situation where he has 100 % control . He has chosen this path and he could choose to correct it . He says he cannot change it , but that 's simply not true . He has chosen to maintain the current situation . He could choose to change it . I realize it would be a difficult choice , but it would be a choice . Yes , there would be some stress , as the others involved adjusted to his new assertiveness , ( rather than him just rolling over at the slightest growl ) , but in the long run , the pain would stop . The place where the hammer kept hitting would heal and it would feel so good . Anyway , it was a big ol ' waste of time . He was nice enough , but not a match for me . I 'm not going to spend any time writing about . Suffice it to say , I will not need to assign him a letter ( like " T " or " K " ) to talk about him in the blog . Thanks for the comments to yesterday 's posts . It 's nice to know there are at least 2 people who still are reading . I have some thoughts about what Sunne said . I am going to think about that some today write about it next . Part of the reason that K and I had a slow motion divorce is that I don 't like to burn bridges . Relationships with people are important to me and I look for ways to preserve those relationships as much as I can . I look for opportunities for compromises that can make things better . I want things to be better . Over the couple of months since T and I broke up ( as been 2 months already ? ) we have been talking a lot . We have seen each other a few times . I am not " over " him at all . I love him just as much now as I ever have . During this time we talk often about things including how our relationship went wrong . These talks ( re - hashings ) often end up with me beating him up about how keeping is mother happy is more important to him than keeping me happy . In the end we are both upset . One conversation last week we were both feeling lonely and we both agreed that sometimes we both wish things could go back to the way they were . But we also both knew that it would only be a matter of time before we were right back here . He made me an offer to spend more time with me . I asked about push back from his mother . I was surprised to find myself thinking about it . Let 's talk about it in person , I told him . Last week we got together for dinner and a movie . We had not discussed that conversation in the intervening time , but I had been thinking . His offer was not perfect . I was not everything I wanted , but it was the best he could do . I decided it was worth talking about . I knew my feelings for him were not fading . Maybe it could work . Maybe . . . Maybe this was the opportunity to restore the relationship that I was looking for . I am not going to get into the specifics to what happened that night . I am not going to invade his privacy that way . All I will say is my hopefulness turned into heartbreak . By the end of the night , it was clear that his fear was stronger than I have ever seen it in the entire time I have known him . It was clear that what is important to him and what is important to me is incompatible . It was clear that a reunion was not going to happen . It was clear it was over . As I drove away I knew the last hope of T and I spending our lives together evaporated . I think we will be able to be friends . I think in the back of our minds we always thought that we would come back to each other , we never really thought about moving on . Now we have to . Well , now I have to . I guess I have to let him do his moving on , on his own now . ( My chest got tight when I typed that . . . ) Both T and I have been trolling around some of the online sites where men meet . I have been using AdamAdam ( which is a meat market but it 's free ) . T has been using that and ManHunt . He tells me they have the same people on both sites , so I figured I would just stay with the free one . I poke around but I don 't write to many people . I don 't have to many people write to me either . Most of the people on that site are looking for hook ups and my profile says I am not really looking for that , so they don 't write to me . But one guy did a couple of weeks ago . He would write something , I would respond and then he would go quiet for a week . The I 'd hear from him again . This week I actually spoke to him on the phone and we agreed to meet tonight . T keeps asking me if I am " excited " to meet him . I am not . I want to meet him . I am hopeful I am going to make a new friend , but I am not thinking beyond that . It 's also possible I may not like him or he may not like me . So I am also preparing myself for rejection . Rob over at " Below The Radar " called it . " We 've seen this movie before . " he said . " Anyone want to to take bets on when they will get back together ? " So it it has been about a month . I suspect that most of you were thinking that this current break up had gone on long enough . I mean really , with as much as T and I love each other , and we do , how long could we stay apart ? Why would we need to do that , when we have all the love we need for each other right here , staring each other in the face . T will work on standing up for himself to his family and putting me first more . I will try to be more patient . He will push the envelope more and I will remember that his family harmony is important to him . We are so happy and comfortable when we are together , it 's just inconceivable that we cannot find a way to make it together as a couple . T told his mom , we broke up after more than 5 years together . She shrugged and never said another word about it . No one in the family he was so worried about upsetting , seems to notice or care that his relationship has been dissolved . T and I continue to talk often . He has made no mention he would be willing or able to change anything about this family situation to save our relationship . I remain unwilling to stand at the end of the line for his attention with almost no hope of us ever being truly together as partners . T revived his old profiles on Adam4Adam and ManHunt , using the same picture that caught my eye more than 5 years ago . He is getting a lot of people writing to him . He answers some . He almost met someone for lunch last week , but changed his mind and had lunch with his family instead . He says he really does not want to meet anyone now . I 'm sure that part of that is because of his feeling for me . The rest is a fear that he will be come attached to someone else and fall into the same trap with that person he fell into with me . I have been resistant to post any profiles anywhere . I just didn 't want to . My mind knows I should move on , but my heart is so in love still . K thinks I should do something to meet new people . T pushed me to put a profile out there . He things if I meet someone nice I will be happier . If I find someone to live with me . ( yeah , I know . He still does not really get it . . . ) Eventually I did it . I made up a fake profile on Adam4Adam last week just to look around . That site is such a meat market . It 's not a whole lot better than Craigslist for the most part . But it 's free . And T has be convinced that generally the same people are posted in both places anyway , so why not start there . I did not post a picture , but I use my honest stats . Some people wrote to me . A couple of hot young guys who turned out to be prostitutes . An older ( by " older " I mean my age ) gay guy who was cheating on his partner and wanted something on the side . And two " Bi Curious " guys cheating on their wives . NO NO NO . UGH ! ! ! Yesterday , I took a bunch of pictures of myself , posted a real profile , and deleted the old one . We 'll see what happens . T helped me pick a good picture and suggested good wording for my description . It was surreal really . ( . . . and too depressing for words . . . ) I did get one person who wrote to me from the the old fake profile who I told I was moving to a new one . He is about my age and based on the limited email conversations , he seems nice enough . I may be meeting him tomorrow after work for a drink . Possibly dinner . T seems to thinks I am going to have have sex with him . T may just be teasing me , but I 'm not sure . The last time we broke up and I went on a date ( I wrote about it here ) I remember it didn 't go that well . It was not horrible , but not great . The likelihood I will jump into the sack with anyone is pretty low . That is even making the assumption that I even like this guy when I meet him in person . He could turn out to be a jerk . Or maybe he is a nice guy that I am just not interested in . Or maybe I will like him , but not be interested in dating him . Either way , I am not going to fall for the first guy who is nice to me or is physically attractive . The bottom line is T and I are NOT back together . Every day that passes it become more clear that we are not going to be . Not ever . K and I have been divorced for almost 2 years and I still consider her mother , my mother - in - law . As far a mother - in - laws go , she is a pretty good one . From the very first day I met K , her mother ( Let 's call her " Mary " ) was nice to me . I get hugs when I see her . She remembers things going on in my life . When my dad was alive , but in poor health , she always asked him and prayed for him at church . She asked about my mom too . Mary is a excellent cook . She makes up recipes on the fly and they are ( almost ) always wonderful . She remember the ones I like and will make them when I come to visit . She does not know how to cook low fat . She makes real , old fashioned comfort food . She is pretty good with the kids . She is not perfect , but she makes a point to take them to movies when she sees them . She talks to the older ones and listens to what they have to say . When K told her parents I am gay and we were divorcing , Mary didn 't treat me any differently . As K and I went through our slow motion divorce , she was just a nice to me as she always was . The only difference is that now she would ask me about T . When K and AJ got married , T and I were invited . We sat at the table with K 's parents and sister . Mary made a point to talking to T quite a bit . She went out of her way to be nice to him , when she didn 't have to . It was really sweet . I cannot stand the woman . Every time I see her I want to punch her in the face . I want to scream , " WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM WOMAN ? ? ? ? " She treats K like shit . And I hate her for it . It really is that simple . I have been watching it for nearly 25 years . and it is always the same . I am not going into any details here , but it did not take me long to start seeing the things I didn 't like . I still see them today . In some respects they have gotten worse . AJ does not quite see them yet , but he will . Since they live far away , it will take him longer . He eventually he will see it . T 's mother is nice to me too . She is also a good cook . She likes getting me to try new Vietnamese foods . Honestly , I think T 's whole family really likes watching me try new things , well , new for me anyway . She remembers the things I like and when there are leftover will often pack them up and send home with me so I can have them the next day . ( Oddly enough , it never taste quite as good when I eat it at my house . ) Generally when I come into the house she smiles warmly , unless she is busy with something . Her English is not very good , but she sometimes will make an effort to talk to me directly . She is not used to speaking English at home and I can tell it not easy to pull the words from her memory . I appreciate the effort . She is trying to make me feel welcome in her home . Trying to draw in the outsider . It 's a nice gesture she did not have to do , but she does . I don 't like T 's mom either . Not one little bit . I don 't like the way she treats T . I think she is ruining T 's life and his chance at happiness . I think she is demanding that T live his life on her terms and not his . I think she says she want 's him to be happy , but really only if he can be happy doing what she wants him to do . Otherwise , he puts on a happy face and that 's good enough for her . T is a gay man . She cannot accept what that means . My heart breaks for T that he has to live in that prison . He hides in his work , his garden and his television . His house is beautiful . It 's still a prison . My heart breaks for his sister . So scared to come out even as an otherwise successful adult in her 40 's . She is very attractive , cute , smart , funny , and I 'm sure there are many women who would love to meet her . If only she were not stuck in her own prison . With her work and Korean soap operas as her only escape . I spend a lot of time with my kids . I make no apologies for that . I do not accept the premise that my responsibility to my children is analogous to T 's responsibilities to his parent 's and sisters . My children are , well , children . I am their father and they are dependent on me for all the things that children are depend on their fathers for when they are still children . The fact that I am gay and divorced from their mother changes nothing . The youngest person in T 's house is 40 . They are all adults who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves . In due course , my children will grow up and become less dependent on me . Eventually , they will become adults and move out on their own . Don 't take any of this to minimize how important T 's family is to him . They are very important . For the 35 + years he was in the closet , they were there for him . When he had some very dark days before I met him , they were there for him . When the communist took over Vietnam , they were there for him and got him ( and everyone else ) out . So , it 's not that I don 't appreciate where he is coming from . I 'm just saying that the needs of his parents and adult sisters are not the same as minor children . The last thing to consider is AJ . AJ lives in the same house as my kids . I need to be present enough and active enough in their lives to make sure the kids see me as not only their father but their dad . I do not want any of them ever coming to me asking what I think about them changing their last name to match AJ 's . So having said all that , is the time I spend with the children a choice ? It takes at lot of my time . It interferes with everything and it makes it much harder for me to do the things I want to do for myself . But is this really a choice ? I 'm not so sure it is . I suppose it is a consequence of the choice to have children , but I don 't think it 's a choice now . No more than going to work in the morning is a choice . I do make a choice to be accommodating to K 's schedule , but really I do that because , in the long run , it makes it better for the kids , and my relationship with them . But why do I have to go over to K 's all the time to be with them ? Why do I hang out there until 9 : 00 , 4 or 5 nights a week . Is because I just like to be around her ? Is it because of the free food at her house ? Is it because I am so used to doing what she says and making her a priority that I just do it ? Am I afraid of upsetting her ? Is it because the internet is faster at her house ? Nope . All of these are wrong . Well , actually her internet service is faster , but mine is fast enough . I think children need a consistent home . They need a home that is theirs where everything is familiar and feels like home . While my kids used to live in my house , my house is not that home any more . With my agreement , K has created that for them at her house . It is better for them and better for me for me to come to K 's house as often as I can to maintain my relationship with the kids as a ACTIVE and HANDS ON father . My house has a roommate living there . He is a nice enough guy and my kids like him , but he is not family . I don 't even consider him a friend . He is actually my third roommate ( fourth if you count the kid I had to throw out ) in the past 2 years . A parade of three strangers in my house is not exactly the stable home environment I want for my kids . I do not have a roommate because I am lonely , I need the rent money to help pay the mortgage . So what would happen if I had a real partner . What if T had offered to move in with me ? How would things be different ? I think things would be drastically different . T and I would have made a home there . We could make a home for the children there . The children could have that stable , familiar home there . Then the idea of having the kids stay with me every other week , or some other arrangement , a lot more plausible . You see ? Even though my current situation is that I am at K 's house most nights until late , that is not what I want long term . It 's just what I have to live with right now . I don 't just want a partner to come home to at night . I don 't just want a warm body to sleep with at night . If I had a partner to make a home with , make a life with , I would make make different choices about my situation . I would push K to change the way we share the custody of the kids . That would , of course , spark some conflict . K would not want to give up that time with the kids under her roof . There would be a consequence to that choice , but , I think it would be manageable . I 'm sure it would be worth it . If you have seen the link over to T 's blog you know that once again , T and I have changed our relationship status . We are not boyfriends / partners anymore . Some of the readers on his side have had some . . . well . . . . interesting comments . T posted his perceptions of what finally caused us to be over . I feel like I need to get some thought out so I am going to put them here , in no particular order . One of the things that K told me when we were going through our slow motion divorce , " Every choice has a consequence . " She is right . Choose to leave the marriage or stay . Either choice has a consequence . I could have continued to live in the closet or come out . Either choice has a consequence . T and I have made choices too . T has made a choice to put his family before me . It 's not cultural . He has four siblings who are married . They each put their spouses first , as they should . This does not mean that T does not love me . I know that he does . It does not make him a bad guy . He is a wonderful man . It just means he made a choice and that choice has a consequence . ( I will discuss this more in the next post . ) If he wanted to , he could have chosen to spend more time with me . I have never asked him to abandon his family . Choosing to spend more time with me , however , would have created conflict with his mother because she would not have approved . Conflict with his mother would have upset everyone else in his house . So choosing to spend more time with me or not , is a choice . Choices have consequences . I made a choice about what I want in my life . I liked being married . I liked that kind of a relationship . I have no interest in the " freedom " of the single life . But I also don 't just want someone waiting at home for me . I want someone to do things with me . K and I did everything together . We were a couple . If ever I was seen with out her , people would ask , " Where is K ? " T and I were not going to have that . We were not together enough . We were not a couple like that and it was not on the horizon . As my frustration grew with no end in sight , I made a choice that I could not continue this way forever . It was time for us to break up . That was a choice and that choice has a consequence . I don 't know if anyone expected me to feel a weight lifting off my shoulders now that I am " free " to seek what I want with someone else . Was I supposed to feel better ? I don 't . Not even a little . I think in some ways I feel worse . I didn 't want to be with just anyone . I wanted to be with T . I need to accept that it 's just not going to happen . That 's going to take some time . I have roommate . Well , a housemate really . Let 's call him " Fred " . I rent a room in my house to this guy . I met him randomly . He posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a room for himself and his dog . He is straight , older and not very attractive . He is , however , very gay - friendly . His dog is a beautiful 4 year old husky . She is a little high strung but otherwise well behaved . He actually has a pretty good deal . He pays a flat rent that includes everything . My mortgage is pretty reasonable so it 's a good deal for me too . Aside from the money , it 's a good deal for him , because he basically has use my whole house , except the other bedrooms . Over the past month I have been working a lot . Long hours at the office . When I am at K 's house , I am often working there . When I am at home , I sometimes work in the office I have set up in the extra bedroom across the hall from mine until 1 or 2 in the morning . The other day , I came home for about 5 minutes before heading out again . Fred was making dinner for himself . He was trying to make conversation as I was heading for the door . Normally I would stop and engage him , but today I was in a hurry . I drove away thinking about it . Between work and keeping track of my kids , it is very common for me to leave my house at 6 : 30am and not return until after 9 : 30pm . I guess I do work too much . But why not ? I mean , it 's not like I have any reason to go home , right ? There 's nothing there for me . It 's just a building where I keep my stuff . There is no one home who misses me . There is no one there who cares if I am there or not . There is nothing there to make it a home . I was talking to T last night . He is worried about my well being . He asked me if I wanted him to come a visit me on Wednesday and stay the night . My answer to that question is always the same . " Of course . I always want you to come . " " What would you like to do ? " he asked . " I don 't know . Anything is fine . " I said . " I guess I need to see what K 's work or school schedule is like . " " When she is done with school in December , it should be better , right ? " He asked . " HA ! " I chuckled . " It does not work that way . She works the hours she wants to and I adapt . I get whatever shit is left over . That 's just how it works . " Then I thought about that for a moment . " Damn it ! It 's just one more person who fucking puts me at the back of the line . I always get the scraps . " Is it so much to ask to have someone in my life who puts me first ? Where I am the first person they ask before they do something , rather than the last person ? Why can 't I have that ? Why is that soooo hard . I had a great time on vacation with my kid and seeing my family . I came back feeling energized . Over the past few weeks , something has changed . I have been feeling myself slipping into a depression . I feel alone . Isolated . I have had bad days here and there before , but this sustained melancholy is not a feeling I am used to . I like things that make sense . I like identifiable cause and effect . I can 't put my finger on anything that has changed significantly in my life to cause this . I 'm taking a new medication . I checked several sources online and none of them list depression as a side effect . I have been having a lot of stress at work lately . There is more work than I can do and I have been putting in a lot of extra hours . On the other hand , they have approved to hiring an assistant for me , which will help a lot . Also I have talked to several people in the head office , including higher up bosses and I know that I am highly respected and everyone is happy with my work . While I take some pride in that , there is no joy in it . My situation with T is unchanged . I am still hopeful that one day he will want to live with me . That he will suddenly come to realize his desire to be with me is stronger than his fear of any fallout and he will want us to be together like real partners , maybe even husbands . I know deep down , it 's really just wishful thinking on my part . It 's probably never going to happen . Definitely not while his parents are alive . ( They are both in excellent health for their age and I hope they stay that way . ) But this is not new . This is status quo for us . While it 's still frustrating , why should it be bothering me more now than any other time ? Tonight I am at K 's house . She is working over night at the hospital . AJ is gone this weekend moving his daughter into her college apartment . He took my older boys with him to help out . They will be back on Monday . It 's is cold here tonight . Not freezing cold , but cold for North Carolina in August . It has been raining all day . Dreary . Miserable . I can hear the kids in the next room . They are playing some online game on the X - box . It sounds like they are having fun . ( Honestly , I am just glad they are not fighting with each other . ) I am sitting in the TV room . The TV is off . The lights are off . There is light coming in from outside . It will start to get dark soon . I probably will not get up to turn on the lights . But just sit here in the dark . These are the times I wish I had T here to comfort me . I wish he was here to hold me so I could cry and get whatever this is inside me , out . I wish he would hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be OK and make me feel safe . To tell me I didn 't have to be alone anymore that I did not have to face whatever this is myself . But he is not here . He is at a wedding where he was invited to sing . I don 't know who 's wedding . A friend of his family I suppose . He is probably there with his sister and his parents . Honestly , I am not sure and I don 't think he told me . If he did , I don 't remember . I didn 't get invited anyway , so it 's doesn 't really matter , does it ? I have not written for a while because I have been on vacation . For the first time in my career , I took a 2 week vacation . And it was GREAT ! I live far away from most of my family , so this was one of those vacations where you go and visit them . I was prepared to drive , but my mother offered to buy airplane tickets for me and the kids . Taking 4 kids between 17 and 9 on an airplane ( with a connection ) with only one adult sounds like it could be a nightmare , but it wasn 't . The kids were great ! ! We flew up on a Thursday . K and AJ were leaving the next day and were going to visit his family in a neighboring state for a few day before meeting up with me and the kids . We would be in town together for five days before K and AJ started home with me and kids following two days later . So , basically on a nearly two week vacation , I would have the kids by myself 2 / 3 of the time . And even when K and I were in town together , the kids stayed with me and at my mothers house . K , meanwhile , drove to AJ 's parent 's house together without kids . They hung around there taking romantic lighthouse and wine tasting tours . It must have been nice for them to have that time together . Especially since their relationship has been some what strained . Now if any of this sounds like I am complaining , I 'm not . I have taken the kids on similar trips for the past few years on my own . It 's not nearly as difficult as you might think it is . Yes , there is the normal sibling squabbling , but that 's manageable for me . In fact , I was looking forward to this trip for weeks before we left . I knew we would have a great time . And we did ! ! There were 2 times when I made an off hand comment about how nice it was that K was having this alone time without the kids . Once to her sister when I was hanging out at her house . And another time to AJ when we were all at JCPenny getting family portraits done ( which is a blog post in itself ) . I said in a semi - joking manner as if I was jealous . These got back to K and she ASSUMED I was upset about being " stuck " with the kids while she got to be alone with AJ . She in turn got angry and defensive because she thought I was upset , which I wasn 't . In the middle of a family lunch she started to go off on me . It took me completely by surprise . She stopped before getting out of hand . We talked about it privately and I told her she had it all wrong . I was having a great trip and me and the kids were having a great time . Now the question , why did she assume I was upset ? Because if our places were reversed , she would be . If T and I were on vacation and she was with the kids all the time , there would be a heavy price to pay . If T and I stayed alone in a hotel and K had to sleep on an air mattress on the floor of her mother 's house with the kids , it would eat at her soul . If T and I were wine tasting and she was at Chuck E . Cheese , she would spend every minute seething about it , as if she were being abused in some way . " How nice that you get to ( insert wonderful thing here ) . . . " she would say with her special brand of sarcasm . For this trip , I did exactly nothing for myself . Everything revolved around what the kids wanted to do . What we did , where we slept , what we ate . Everything . I had wanted to visit an old college buddy , but that didn 't happen . There was no time for me to do it . But where K would have been resentful , I was delighted . Every time one of the kids said , " Thanks Dad for taking us ( insert wonderful thing here ) " I was happy . I was building memories with my kids that they would not forget . Years from now they will they will talk about the time dad took us to ( insert wonderful place here ) . That is important to me . The only touch of sadness I had during the trip , was this constant nagging that I wanted T to be there with me . I wanted him to be part of those memories too . Not just in my memory or his , but in my kids . I want them to stop thinking of him as Mr . T and just T . I wanted him to play in the surf with my daughter . I wanted to hear my youngest son yell , " T ! ! T ! ! WATCH ME DO A BACK FLIP ! ! " I wanted him to flop on my mother couch after the kids were all in bed . Exhausted , but the kind of exhausted feeling that comes from the superest , most funnest day ever . Where all we had the energy to do was look at each other and smile . I am gay man in his 40 's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman , who is still my very best friend . We have 4 children together . She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids . T : My ex - boyfriend . We were together from 2008 to 2013 . He is still an important person in my life . AJ : K 's new husband . They got married December 2011 . Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet . I believe , in good faith , that they are either public domain , or my non - commercial use falls under fair use guidelines . If , however , you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it , please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible |
AN old man and his nephew lived together in a forest . Their house had a partition through the middle and a door at each end . The uncle never entered the part occupied by his nephew , and all communication between the two was held by each hearing through the partition what the other said to himself . Each went in and out of his own part of the house when he liked , but neither ever crossed the threshold of the other part . After a time the nephew discovered his uncle 's true nature - - he was a man - eater . One day a woman came to the young man 's part of the house . The next morning the uncle said , " My nephew has two ways of breathing . " The young man , speaking to himself , said , " My uncle is mistaken , I am talking to myself . " " My nephew can 't deceive me , " said the old man . There are two persons in his part of the house . I am glad that game has come to him - - I am going hunting . " When his uncle had gone , the young man said to his wife , " My uncle knows that you are here , now you must do as I tell you . If you don 't he will kill and eat you . Three women have been here . He killed and ate each one of them , for they paid no heed to what I told them . Before I go away to hunt , I will bring wood and water and whatever you want , so you need not go out . If you go out , you are lost . My uncle will kill you . As soon as I leave the house he will come back . " The young man started off , but turned back and a second time warned his wife not to disobey him . The minute the nephew was out of sight in the forest , the uncle came to the door . The old man had the power of commanding things to be done and the person had to obey though they didn 't hear or see him . He said , " Let the woman come out ! " But the woman had power also . When he saw that she didn 't come out , he said , " Let the water she is cooking with boil away ! " The water boiled away , but the woman had a plenty more . The old man was angry , and said , " I will get her out in one way or another . " As the young man was coming home , he saw smoke rising from his part of the house . " All is well , " thought he . " My uncle has not been able to kill my wife . " When he went into the house he praised the woman for her obedience . That afternoon , about dusk , they heard the old man come into his part of the house and they knew that he hadn 't brought any game . He hunted only for people . He called out , " What luck has my nephew had to - day . " " I have had good luck , " answered the young man . The old man began to mutter to himself , to blame his nephew for hiding his uncle 's game . At last he said , " I will wait a while then I will have my own . " He heard two persons breathe and he was angry . Determined to have something to eat he pounded bones into bits , put the bits into a kettle , filled the kettle with water and hanging it over the fire made soup . The young man and his wife were silent . The man had decided to leave his uncle and his plans were laid . He had walked in circles around the house making each circle larger than the preceding one till he had a ring three days ' journey in circuit and now he told his wife what she must do . That night the uncle said , " I am going away for a while . I can find no game around here . " " Well , " answered the nephew , " hunters , go where they can find something to kill and they are often gone a long time . I am going farther myself . Game is getting scarce in our neighborhood . " The young man had power . He caused a house to appear in a place six days ' journey away , then he told his wife about the house , and said , " I have a brother there and I am going to send you to him . This brother is invisible . No stranger has ever seen him . Hitherto he has accompanied me , but now fie will aid you . " Putting his arrow on the bow string he drew it and sent the arrow to the East . That instant the call of a woodpecker was heard . The feathers on the arrow were from that bird , and all the way the arrow sang with the voice of a woodpecker . The young man could see the trail that the arrow left as it went through the air . He went back to the cabin , and waited . In three days his uncle came , but without game . Talking to himself he asked , " What luck has my nephew had ? " " Good luck , " said the young man . " I have a plenty to eat . " " I found nothing , " said the old man . " This hunting ground is barren , my eyes see no more game . But if I have no fresh meat I have bones . I 'll break them up and make soup . " Then the nephew heard his uncle breaking bones - - there was a terrible noise . At last the young man said , " My uncle makes too much noise . " " My nephew wouldn 't make less noise if he were in my place . I am trying to get something to eat . " And paying no attention to what his nephew said , the old man kept at work . The next morning , at daybreak , he said , " I am going hunting . I shall be gone three days . " " I am glad , " thought the young man , and as soon as his uncle was out of , sight he took the trail that he had made and followed it three days . Then he went directly toward his new cabin . Glancing up he saw the arrow 's trail , which looked like a rainbow in the sky . After a while he made a long leap and as he leaped he ran in the air , went up far above the forest and off on a level which was still in the air . The trail of the arrow was in the form of a rainbow and it seemed to roll up and dissolve in mist as the young man passed over it . It ended where the arrow had struck . In the cabin at the end of the trail he found his wife . The invisible brother saw the arrow when it struck the ground and burst . He saw the woman come out of the arrow and take her natural size . When she came into the house , he said to her , " I knew you were coming . By obedience to your husband you have been able to make this journey . No one has ever seen me before except my brother and he only two or three times . I know what will come from my uncle 's wrath . He will pursue , and , if possible , kill you . " The old man came home and began to talk to his nephew . When he received no answer he was very angry . He knew that his nephew was not at home , and going out he looked for his trail , struck it and found that the footprints were as old as his own , made three days before . Going back to the house he muttered , " I 'll follow him to - morrow . The world is small . He cannot escape me . I 'll follow him everywhere . " The invisible brother , though a great distance away , heard his uncle talking to himself , heard his threats , heard him say , " My daughter - in - law will never get out of my reach . I can go to the edge of the world very quickly . My nephew is trying to save her . He 'll not succeed . I 'll eat her flesh . " The next morning the old man set out . He followed his nephew 's footprints till night , then , looking up , saw that his own house was near , that he had been going around and around . He was angry , and said , " To - morrow I will get on the right trail . " As soon as daylight came , the old man started again . As he traveled he found that the trail was growing dim , but he kept on till midday , then he saw that he was near his own house . " Be it so ! " said he . " Though my nephew is possessed with the witchcraft of all the animals , I will have his wife 's flesh . " He followed the trail three days longer , then he reached the end of it and cried out , exultantly , " My daughter - in - law 's flesh is mine ! " Looking up in the air he saw his nephew 's trail . The trail of the arrow was gone , but the footprints of the nephew remained on the clouds . As the old man followed on the ground the trail that he saw in the air , he muttered to himself . The invisible brother heard his threats and the three started for a lake that was not far away . The woman took the lead ; the husband stepped in her footprints . When they came to the lake , the young man took a clam shell and threw it toward the opposite bank . Immediately the banks came together and the three stepped over . When they had crossed and the lake had again resumed its natural size they looked back but could scarcely see , at one look , 1 the bank they had left . The young man , thinking that when his uncle came to the lake he would be long in crossing , left his wife and went to hunt for game . The old man came to the lake and ran back and forth looking for a place to cross . At last he called out , " Daughter - in - law , Daughter - in - law , how did you cross the lake ? " And though the woman knew he wanted to kill her , she thought , " Why doesn 't he throw a clam shell ! " He caught her by the hair , and said , " I knew that I should eat your flesh . My nephew has no right to keep game from me . " With one blow he cut off the woman 's head . She had been left alone . The invisible brother was not there to warn her . The woman had twin boys . The old man hid the children in a hollow tree , together with the woman 's head , then putting the body on his back , he went to the lake , and picking up a clam shell threw it toward the opposite bank . The banks came together and he stepped over . As he looked back , he saw the lake spread out again . The young man thought that when near home he would see smoke rising from his cabin , but he did not . " My uncle 's words have come true , " thought he . " She forgot my warning . " He was lonesome and discouraged and he determined never to go back to his uncle 's house . While cooking supper , the young man had to go for water . As he stooped down to dip it up he heard a voice say , " Your uncle has killed me ! Your uncle has killed me ! " On looking around he saw that the willows were bespattered with blood , and he knew from the blood out of which the voice came that his wife had been killed . He had two proofs now , his uncle 's tracks and the speaking blood . The young man continued to hunt and as he had good luck he didn 't go again to the house across the lake . One day when he came from hunting he saw tracks around his fire , two little trails . Though he saw fresh tracks each evening he paid no attention to them . They looked like the tracks of a child but he thought that a little animal made them . At last he noticed that some of his meat was gone and that each day more and more disappeared . Then he resolved to catch the thief . Pieces of meat hung up to dry had been pulled down , dragged out of the house and then pulled along on the ground . The young man followed the trail till he came to a big log . The log , was hollow and the trail disappeared at the opening . He was sure that some animal lived in the tree . The next day he started off , as usual , but after going a short distance into the forest he stopped to watch his house . Soon he saw two little boys come out of the log and run toward the house . They went in and after a while came out dragging a piece of meat . When they reached the log they disappeared in the opening , pulling the meat in after them . The man thought , " To - morrow I will catch those children , " The next morning the young man went a short distance into the forest , hid and waited . The time seemed long , but at last the boys came from the log , ran to the house , went in and closed the door . The man hurried home , went into the house and fastened the door behind him . As soon as the children saw him , they began to cry . " Why do you cry ? " asked he , " I am your father . Don 't cry . " When they stopped crying , he asked , " How do you know that I am your father ? " One boy was a little larger than the other , and when the man questioned them he answered , " An old man killed our mother . He cut off her head and hid it in a hollow log and he put us in there too . Our mother 's head is in the tree now . " " What do you do with the meat you take from here ? " " We feed it to our mother . " " You must stay with me now , " said the father . He was kind to them and the boys were glad to stay . He made them playthings , bow and arrows and a ball and club . Whenever he went hunting , they carried meat to their mother . One day the larger boy said to his father , " My mother is hungry . " " Feed her , " said he . " Feed her all she will eat . We have a plenty of meat . You can take as much as you want . " Soon the man saw that the meat was disappearing very fast , faster than he could bring it in . He was frightened . One of the boys noticed this , and said , " My mother eats a great deal , we can 't carry her enough . " And he asked his father to go and see her . The man went to the log and looking in saw two great eyes in a skull . " What can we do ? " asked one of the boys . " I am afraid , " said the father , " that after she has eaten all the meat she will eat us . " " We must go to some place far away , " said the boys , " so that she will have to travel a long time to overtake us . We can 't feed her . She never gets enough , and we are tired . " The man knew that it would soon be impossible to satisfy the Head , so he said , " We will go away from here . You will start in the morning and travel till you come to a large village . My dogs will go with you as far as the village , then they will come back to help me . " The boys started and after they had gone quite a distance and were tired , the larger dog said to the larger boy , " Sit on my back . " Then the smaller dog said to the smaller boy , " Sit on my back . " The boys did as told . The dogs ran on swiftly . After a long time they came to a place where trees had been felled , then they said to the boys , " We are near a village . You must walk now . " The boys were unwilling to walk , but the dogs , shaking themselves as if they had just been in water , threw them off and told them to go to the village . The dogs turned then and went back to their master . The man knew that by going South he would find uncles who would help him , just such powerful men as his old uncle . When the dogs came back , they told their master that they would stay till the last meat was gone , but he must go , for as soon as the meat was eaten the Head would fly in the direction he took . They would delay it all they could , but he must travel fast for his life was in danger . The man started toward the South and went with great swiftness , for he was a fast runner . Two days after he left , one of the dogs overtook him , and said , " The meat is gone and the Head is trying to find the boys . It can follow as far as they walked but no farther . Be on your guard for it will find your trail . " The dog could see a great distance , it looked back , and said , " The Head is coming ! You have always said that no one could outrun you . The time has come when you must exert all your strength . " When the Head started , the dogs left behind did what they could to delay it . They bit it and when it turned to pursue them , they dodged into the ground . It went on and again they sprang at it and when it turned they again escaped into the ground . The trail of the Head could be seen plainly for the bark was gnawed from the trees where the dogs kept it back , delayed it and made it angry . All at once , far off in the West , one of the little boys said to the other , " Our father is in trouble , our mother is following him . " Soon a dog came up to the man , and said , " The Head is possessed of such power that we don 't know how to keep it back . We are doing what we can , but you must run with all your strength . " The man ran with all speed . Seeing a house he darted into it and called out to an old man sitting there , " Uncle , help me ! A terrible Head is following me to take my life ! " " I will help you all I can , " said the old man , " but hurry to the next house , your aunts live there ; they will help you . If I am killed , a dark cloud will go up to the sky . " That minute one of the dogs came to the man , and said , " Your uncle is dead . He was never beaten before . " When the Head had devoured the old man 's flesh , it rushed after the husband . The man ran as fast as he could . When almost exhausted , he saw a house , ran into it and called to the women sitting there , " Help me ! help me ! Something is following me to take my life ! " " Poor man , " said one of his aunts . " Hurry on . We will do what we can to delay the Head . Go to the next house . Your mother lives there . Maybe she can help you . " The man wasn 't out of sight of the house when he heard a great noise and heard his aunts call to their children to have courage . The Head flew into the house , and bit at everything it came in contact with . The women beat it with clubs . The man heard the blows fall on the skull . When he was half way to his mother 's house , all was still at his aunts ' house . Suddenly his invisible brother called out , " Run ! Run or we are lost ! " The invisible brother urged the man forward , pushed him and he seemed to run faster . The brother urged and pushed till they reached the house . Then the man cried , " Mother , help me , help me ! " " Poor Son , you are in great trouble , " said the mother . " Go on , we will do what we can . " The man hurried through the house . The Head came in as he went out . The dogs ran around the house and urged their master on . The mother called to her children , " Kill the Head if you can ! Fight with all your strength ! " They took their most poisonous weapons and began to strike the Head . One of the women stumbled and fell ; the Head devoured her in an instant . The old mother cautioned her children , telling them to be careful and make no misstep . The youngest girl , remembering there was bears ' oil in the house , thought she would boil it and see if she couldn 't kill the Head with boiling oil . While the Head was chasing the women through the house , the oil began to boil , then the girl seized the kettle and threw the oil onto the Head . It burned and killed the Head . ' Your brother is free , " said the mother . " We ought to have a game of ball . It is our duty to give thanks . The Head will be the ball . " She picked up the Head , carried it out and called in a loud voice , " Here , warriors , is a ball for you to play with . " Soon a great many people , with netted clubs in their hands , came and began to play ball . ( These players were animals that lived in the forest . ) The man saw them play with his wife 's head . Each one struggled to get the ball and in that way they wore it out . One of the dogs said to him , " Your wife is dead and you are safe . " When it said , " Your wife is dead , " the man 's strength left him , his arms dropped down , and he was very sad . " You are sorry , " said the invisible brother , " but I am glad . Why should you be sad ? She would have devoured you , if they had not killed her . Now there is no one to harm us . Our uncle will not trouble us again . " " Your children are living off in that direction , " said he , pointing to the West . " Go and find them . " So saying he turned and when the brother looked after him , he had disappeared . The man and his dogs traveled toward the West . When the dogs left the children they were near a house at the edge of a village . In that house lived an old woman and her granddaughter . One day when the girl was in the woods stooping down to pick up broken boughs , she heard voices . She listened and , as the wind came toward her , she discovered that they were the voices of children . She went home with her wood , told her grandmother that she had heard children crying , and asked her to come to the forest and listen . " It is a pleasure to know that there are children alive . They must be for us , " said the grandmother . " We will go and find them . " When they came to the place where the girl had heard the voices , she said , " Now listen ! " " True , " said the grandmother , " there are children in the woods . We must look everywhere till we find them . Maybe they are sent to us because we are alone . " The girl followed the sound , going in the direction from which the wind came , she could hear distinctly and she knew the sound came from near the ground . At last she came to where the boys were . They were apparently about a year old , one a little larger than the other and both were crying . The girl began to comfort the children , to tell them she would be their mother and be kind to them . While she was talking , her grandmother came . She pitied the children and ' said to them , " Stop crying . It is the will of the Great Spirit that you should be our children . I will be your grandmother and my granddaughter will be your mother . " " All we have we will give to you , " said the girl . " I will love you as your mother would . " The boys stopped crying and went home with the girl . Each boy had the little bow and arrow and ball club that his father had made for him . " We will take good care of these children , " said the grandmother . " There are many people in our village , but not a child . I have lived here a long time , but I have never seen a little child . " When the boys were old enough to hunt for birds , their grandmother gave them bows and arrows and they brought in a good deal of game . One day the larger boy called , " Grandmother , come and see what I have killed . It is covered with spots . It is over here in the weeds . " " Where is it ? Where is it ? " asked the grandmother . The boys led the way , but she could hardly keep in sight of them , the weeds were so high . On reaching the spot she found a fawn a few hours old . She carried the fawn home , and said to herself , " I am thankful that I have these children . They will be great hunters ; their game is getting larger . First they killed birds , now they have killed a fawn . " One day the larger boy said , " Our father is coming . " " I am afraid our father is dead , " answered the other boy . The grandmother overheard this and told the boys to go and hunt for birds , she was hungry for bird meat . The next day , while the children were out , a man came to the house . The invisible brother had told the man that when he came to the old woman 's house he must say , " Grandmother , I am glad to see you , " and to the girl , " Sister , I am glad to see you . " As the man went in , he saluted the old woman as Grandmother , and to the girl he said , Sister . One of the boys said to the other , " Our father has come ! " " I don 't think so , " said his brother , " Our father had dogs ; there are no dogs with this man . " To find out he raised the skin door a little and looking in he saw his father sitting there with his elbow on his knee and his face on his hand . " We must find the dogs , " said the larger boy . They followed their father 's tracks and they hadn 't gone far when they found that the dogs had run off in another direction . They tracked the dogs and toward night found them standing by a fallen tree . The dogs heard the children 's voices and ran to meet them . They were as glad to see the boys as the boys were to see them . " We must go home , " said the brothers , but they didn 't know the way . The dogs took the lead . It was late at night and very dark when they got home . When the boys didn 't come , the grandmother and granddaughter were frightened . They were waiting for daylight - to come so they could hunt for them . When they came , the grandmother asked , " Why did you stay so long and frighten us ? " |
It 's a girl ! Baby girl arrived a few hours after my last log update ! I really was in labor , so I will continue on describing my day . I posted the first half of labor day at about 2 : 15pm here ( Part 1 of labor day ) . After I did that , Fernando came upstairs and took a nap . I decided around 3 : 30ish that I wanted to take another nap . I was debating between napping and doing some sort of activity to speed up my labor , but the nap won , and I am glad of my choice . At around 4 : 30pm we were all talking about what our plans for the evening should be . I decided that it would be nice to just go to the hospital and see what the status of my cervix was . I wanted to know if I was still just 3cm , or if I was 4cm and could stay home until things got more intense , or if I was on the way to having a baby soon . At 5 : 00pm we started getting the kids ready to leave . We determined that a good plan of action would be to get everyone dinner close to the hospital , and then evaluate after dinner how I felt . We collected our last minute hospital bag items , and headed out the door around 5 : 30pm . During the drive , I had about 2 strong contractions . We got to Chick - Fil - A a bit before 6pm . I had another contraction right as we got out of the car , and I hugged Fernando . When we got inside Chick Fil A , I realized I could not eat . I saved tables while everyone ordered . During dinner I had a few contractions , and with one of them I said , " Ok , I need to go to the hospital . I don 't think I can stay here any longer . " Even though contractions were getting more intense and a bit more frequent , I remained until everyone was finished with dinner . I joked with Rebecca as we were leaving that if I 'd had the baby at Chick - Fil - A , maybe she would get free food for life . Fernando and I left the restaurant and Mom and Rebecca took the kids to our friends ' house , which was only a few blocks away . We arrived at the hospital and got buzzed in to the birth center . I said , " I 'm in labor and I just wanted to see if I needed to be admitted to the hospital yet . " I felt a little silly because I waltzed in to the birth center and I know I looked like I was not in labor . However , right when I was on my way to a triage room I did have a contraction and had to stop walking two feet from the door . We got settled in triage and the nurse determined I was 5 . 5 / 6cm . I wasn 't surprised or sad at the news , but I did have to ask to clarify if I needed to stay . The nurse laughed and said , " Oh yes , you are staying ! I 'm sorry if I didn 't explicitly mention that ! " I wasn 't sure how I felt about being admitted . In my mind , I was thinking about the fact that I had progressed about 3cm since my last appointment . With as slow as labor had been during the day , I was expecting to give birth the following day , Sunday , or even on Monday . The nurse also said that my midwife was on her way over . I felt kind of bad because I thought , " oh ! She doesn 't have to come quite yet ! I don 't want her to have to sit around waiting for me and my turtle - slow labor ! " We moved over to the birth room around 7 : 30pm . I was surprised that Mom and Rebecca hadn 't made it to the hospital yet , but I found out they stopped at the store on their way over ( ! ) . I remember thinking how big the birth room felt with just me and Fernando . We still hadn 't grabbed our suitcase and the lights were really dim . Mom and Rebecca arrived around 7 : 45pm , and our birth photographer arrived right after we got in to the birth room at about 7 : 35pm . It took me awhile to get the birth room to feel homey and comfortable . I determined that I liked having the lights pretty bright . Aunt Lori arrived a bit after 8pm with a coffee in hand for Fernando , and I was getting monitored from 8pm - 8 : 20pm . Right when Aunt Lori arrrived , we started talking about some family things that were happening , and in the middle of her narrative , I got a very intense contraction , and I think I cried - tears of joy from being overwhelmed from the story , not from the pain - but either way it was very hormonal . After that specific contraction , nothing was a game to me anymore . I officially entered intense labor mode , and my contractions picked up to very frequent . I remember during this time that I went to the bathroom a lot . For some reason , the bathroom is a strange place for me during labor . With Emmanuel , I had painful contractions every time I squatted to go to the bathroom . With this baby , I immediately had a contraction right when I entered the bathroom … it wasn 't even when I was going to the bathroom . All of my contractions by this time were felt in my pelvis and cervix . Every contraction by this time during this labor felt like those painful contractions I had with Emmanuel only during the time that I would go to the bathroom and squat . I tried to lay down on my sides and my back during this time , and I discovered that contractions were worse in those positions . My last laying down position that I tried was with a peanut between my knee around 8 : 40pm and as I laid down during that contraction and began putting the peaI was very desperate to find something to relieve the pain from the pubic / pelvis / cervical pain during contractions . I decided that standing up and leaning on something allowed me to survive the contractions , but I was very upset that nothing had improved how I felt during contractions . I didn 't want to just survive a contraction , I wanted to thrive during contractions ! I had never had such difficulty getting through contractions before . With Hadassah , my contractions were textbook typical , and I felt them in my stomach . With Emmanuel , they were a bit more difficult , as I felt them in my stomach , plus I had back pain , and I had severe pain when I squatted , so to avoid the severe pain , I avoided squatting ! With this baby , I didn 't even notice any discomfort in my stomach or back , I was just experiencing pure pain down below . I was thinking about the differences in my contractions a bit before 9pm when I remembered that I felt relief with Emmanuel once Fernando started doing counterpressure on my back . Some birthing knowledge came to me from the corner of my brain about other places to do counterpressure . I told Fernando to squeeze my hips … When he did that during a contraction , I felt my first bit of relief . I went from having quite unbarable contractions to being able to get through them . The counterpressure did not fully relieve my pain , but I was able to manage . At 9pm , the nurse came in to monitor the baby again . All I could think of was how I was not going to lay down . I did not care what they said ! Luckily , the nurse just asked me if I preferred to be monitored on a wireless device , and I said yes ! I labored standing up while being monitored , and contractions were coming very frequently . After I was done being monitored , I told the nurse I needed to get in the tub asap . Since contractions were difficult , the only thing left to do in my repertoire for dealing with contractions was a soak in the tub . The nurse went to prepare the tub while I labored . My midwife came to check me at 9 : 30pm , and I couldn 't believe I was only 8cm and she said the baby was at 0 station . I told her I wanted to go in the tub . The good news about being only 8cm was that I knew I could go in the tub , because if I had been 10cm I knew they wouldn 't let me in the tub . I looked at the nurse and midwife standing side by side as they told me how dilated I was , and they had a weird look on their face and told me I couldn 't get in the tub . They said that if I got in the tub I would have the baby in the tub ( which is against their liability rules ) . I looked at them , uncomprehendingly . I still had 2cm to dilate . How could I have the baby any time soon ? I was going to die if I had to keep laboring how I was laboring ! A little after 9 : 40pm , I got in the bed and started laboring on my hands and knees . I remember some time around this time , my midwife asked me if I thought I would birth on my hands in knees . I told her I probably was , but I didn 't really understand why she was making me decide so soon . At 9 : 45pm , my mom and sister started rubbing my back . I didn 't realize it at the time that Fernando wasn 't around - he had gone to the bathroom . They were actually doing a really good job , but at some moment I needed Fernando specifically during a contraction and I yelled out , " WHERE ' S FERNANDO ? ! ? ! ! ! ! ! ! " I was really annoyed to find out that he was in the bathroom ! At 9 : 55pm I felt like I wanted to start pushing . My midwife let me get through my contraction and she checked me and I was only 9cm dilated . I couldn 't believe I wasn 't 10cm , and I felt like there was no way I was going to make it through to the birth . From 10 : 00pm until about 10 : 15pm I was doing anything and everything I could to get through the contractions . I was counting , humming , and writhing . I was feeling a little tired being on my knees , and I realized that I had no choice since part of the bed had been removed . Rebecca came by my head and asked if I wanted my bag of waters broken . I said I wasn 't sure and I was so scared to get it done since my labor had been slow and I still wasn 't 10cm . I asked Jana in between contractions at about 10 : 15pm what breaking my waters would mean . She said it usually shortens labor by about 30 minutes . I wanted to die when I heard that I might have to endure more than 30 more minutes of labor , so I decided to have her do it after my following contraction . At 10 : 18pm Jana broke my water . I started really flipping out and the nurse firmly said to me , " Rachel , you are in control . " and I got myself under control . I immediately felt some slight relief , but I also immediately felt like pushing . After that contraction that happened when my midwife broke my water , I got a few minute break . With my next contraction , Jana told me not to push since I still wasn 't 10cm and had the cervical lip . She told me just push enough to take the edge off . I said , " baby is coming ! " I felt like baby was still far up but that I was having the productive pushing feelings . She checked me after that contraction and said , " Oh , yep ! You are ready to have the baby ! " I still wasn 't sure how long it would take to bring baby down , but after a contraction I could feel baby 's head start to come out . However , everyone said they couldn 't see anything , so I felt really far away from my goal . In another contraction I really needed to know specifically how my progress was going and I felt like no one was communicating clearly with me . I said , " WHAT IS GOING ON ? ! " and baby 's head was halfway out , but I didn 't realize it at the time . With the next push , I did realize that baby 's head was finally out . I felt relief in knowing that all I had to do was get the rest of the baby out . I had finished the most difficult part . On my next push , I expected it to be easier , but baby was not coming out ! I pushed with all my might and needed all the coaching from the nurse to push the rest of the baby out . She finally came out at 10 : 24pm , just minutes after I got my water broken . I discovered the reason pushing her body out was so difficult was because her fist was right next to her head . I just stood on my knees for a minute and I kept telling everyone I didn 't want to know if it was a boy or girl yet . I wanted to turn around and see my baby first and get comfortable . As I was looking at the wall , my chest felt really weird , like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me . I had to calm my body down before I could finally turn around . When I turned around and saw my baby , she was so dark ! I just thought , " Who are you ? ! How did you get in my womb ? " I couldn 't believe how dark she was ! I later realized that she looked black because of her lack of oxygen ! Now she is pretty pink looking ! They handed her to me and the blanket was around her bottom , and I opened it up and saw she was a girl ! After giving birth , it seems like a major thought that I always have is , " Oh ! That was so hard ! " It 's something that I kept repeating , and her birth was definitely the hardest of the three . I also remember thinking immediately that I would never be able to go through labor and delivery again , although a week later , I think I can do it ! Each little bundle of joy is worth any discomfort ! I woke up this morning around 5am . I don 't remember if I went pee or if I had a contraction that woke me . All I know is that I had three pretty intense contractions in a row and decided that maybe I should start timing my contractions and that maybe labor was starting . I looked at my phone and saw it was 5 : 33am . I waited for my next contraction . And waited . I gave up on waiting for a contraction and just relaxed in bed like I normally do . Finally at 6am I had another contraction . I didn 't grab my phone to time them , but I had 3 contractions in 15 minutes . I decided to get up to go pee again and tell mom that I was maybe in labor . As I was peeing , mom was carrying a crying Emmanuel up the stairs . I quickly wiped and noticed that I didn 't have a chunk of mucus plug , but I did have lots of mucus when I wiped , if that makes sense . It wasn 't a chunk , it was just like a lot of cervical fluid . A lot . I went to attend to my crying baby . Usually if he is crying in the morning , he says that he is so sad and it is because he wants mommy . But this morning he said he had an owie . Oh great . I latched him on and when I asked him where his owie was , he pointed to his ear . Oh brother . Not an ear infection ! I didn 't feed him for a super long time , and I don 't remember if I had any contractions while nursing him or not . I just remember he popped off suddenly ( I think he had overheard something enticing ) , and he said , " Mommy ! I 'm HAPPY ! " Sweet baby … I went to the bathroom at 7 : 15am , and I think at this point I still hadn 't explained to anyone that I thought I might be in labor . I saw that I was having a bloody show , and yelled out excitedly , " There 's blood ! ! ! ! ! I 'm in LABOR ! " Right as I was screaming , Rebecca came out of her room totally asleep , and I repeated my exciting news . The next few hours were quite humorous . I only had about 3 - 4 contractions an hour . I sat down after my excitement to drink another cup of coffee , and I was chided by mom and Beck for not rushing in to the shower first . I drudgingly abandoned my cup of coffee and showered first , since I was the priority person of the day . I spent a lot of time wandering around the house aimlessly while I was trying to get ready . I was trying to text my VIPs that I was in labor while getting ready and packing some of my last minute items in my suitcase . I knew I wasn 't ready to go to the hospital , but I knew I just needed to get ready and then spend the rest of the morning laboring . Rebecca and I had made appointments to get manicures and pedicures at 9 : 30am . I was planning on canceling the appointment , but then realized that with only a few contractions an hour , I had plenty of time to get my nails done . After we determined that we were going to keep our appointments , we rushed around looking for mom 's car keys … since we were unable to find them we took our van . We arrived at the nail salon 5 minutes late . There were 3 people working , and 3 customers already getting worked on , even though they had only been open for 5 minutes . I sheepishly mentioned that we were here for our 9 : 30am appointment , and sat down to wait our turn . I figured that they wouldn 't honor our appointments , but within two minutes we were in the pedicure chairs . It was nice to get that done , but I was a little bummed when I realized that I had only had 2 contractions in about 2 hours of the whole mani / pedi experience . We arrived home and ate lunch . I had a pickled egg and cereal ( for breakfast I 'd had 2 scrambled After lunch , I decided to get my double electric pump out and I pumped for 20 minutes . I only had one contraction during that whole time . After I finished , I put Emmanuel down for a nap , and I had one good contraction while he nursed . I decided that I did want to nap , and I thought , " Oh well if it makes the contractions even more spaced apart . " I felt pretty helpless that things weren 't really moving . I took about a 45 minute nap but got some really great contractions during that time . In an hour of time , I had 5 really strong contrations . I 've had maybe 2 or 3 since then , so I guess when I look at the numbers things are progressing , but it still seems very slow to me . I 'm not timing my contractions officially yet . I 'm just trying to count how many I have each hour . I am hoping that things pick up soon ! I do think that once they get going that it will almost be baby time ! As my last pre - labor log mentioned , I had a busy day on Tuesday . My mom was driving out to my house and had a 10 hour drive ahead of her . I woke up that morning and she had left me a voicemail saying she had ended up leaving at about 7am . I was a bit sad as she had told me she was hoping to leave by 6am . I talked to her on the phone at mid morning . I really wanted to chat more with her and help her pass the time while driving but since i was sick , my voice was shot and talking was pretty exhausting for me . I did say , " Well , I could probably go in to labor right now and you would probably still make it for the birth ! " At that time she was about 5 hours away . I did mounds of laundry , took care of Hadassah ( it takes so much longer to accomplish things with a toddler ! ) , and did general cleaning . I really just wanted to rest during Hadassah 's nap but I felt like I just could not spare the time . I was expecting mom around the 3 o ' clock hour and gave her a ring to check on her ETA . She was close , but about 45 minutes away . I was sitting on the couch during this short conversation , looking at the last pile of clothes that needed hung up . I just sat there and thought , " maybe I will just have to welcome mom to this instead of to a pristine house . However , I considered how I spent all day cleaning and how all my work would be in vain if she arrived to find this disorganized mess to greet her . I mustered up the last bit of energy I had and put every last thing in its place . I made a final call to mom and she was just a few miles away . She finally arrived a little after 4pm . We spent a few minutes greeting each other . Hadassah showed her some new tricks ( like walking ) , and then we sat down to eat . I was slow going in eating , as is customary when I am trying to keep Hadassah watered and fed , while reheating my food ten different times . I was just finishing up a second bowl of chile around 4 : 40 when I had a contraction . It felt like a Braxton Hicks contraction but slightly more intense than any I had before . I just stopped eating and talking , closed my eyes and bowed my head . I think mom was talking to me and didn 't realize what was going on . At the end of the contraction I explained that I was having a contraction . I think we joked about how funny and ironic it would be if I went in to labor right now . I kept eating and as my bowl was almost empty I had another contraction . When it was over we continued talking , and mom mentioned how she should probably unload the car before it got too dark , and just in case I did go in to labor that evening . She had brought out a bunch of meat and wanted to at least stick that in the freezer . She went out to the car to unload , I stayed with Hadassah and sat on the couch . I felt like I just needed to sit and relax . My back was really hurting from standing and cleaning all day , and as mentioned before , I was just exhausted . Hadassah was toddling around and walking in circles and chatting . I had another two contractions , and Hadassah for some reason wanted to be hanging all over me during the contractions . Dad called mom 's phone but mom obviously wasn 't able to answer , and then he called my phone immediately after . I told him I was having some contractions and that mom was unloading stuff in case I was starting labor . I texted Rebecca at 5 : 14pm and said , " mom 's here for 20 minutes and I start getting intense contractions . I just might be starting labor . Keep you posted . " To which she responded , " No way , how exciting . Does it hurt so good " to which I laughed out loud . I heard mom open the door to drop off some things and I was having another contraction with Hadassah hanging over me and I realized I am FOR SURE in labor , and needed mom to be finished unloading NOW so she could take Hadassah and I could relax . I yelled down to mom exactly all that and asked her to hurry . I watched Hadassah walk around and all I could think about was how badly she needed a bath . I was contemplating bathing her when I got another contraction and realized it would not be safe for me to bath her while I was in labor . Mom finished unloading whatever she needed to unload around 5 : 30 and I told her how I really wanted Hadassah to get a bath . So she did . I continued to have a few contractions and my stomach hurt badly . I went to the bathroom a few times while mom was bathing Hadassah and I had a very slight tinge of blood on the toilet paper . Here I realized that things were actually happening , and that once again I was for sure in labor ( I had to keep telling myself I WAS in labor because I wasn 't very convinced ) . Bath time was over , and I kept saying to mom , " I don 't know what to do ! " I was trying to problem solve . It was almost time for Hadassah to go to sleep . Did we put her down and then wake her in the middle of the night later to drop off at Mike and Amber 's ? I was rather sure I was in labor but felt that I might need to stay at home at least several more hours . Mom kept saying , " let 's just start with timing your contractions . " By a little bit before 6 I decided it would be best to get Hadassah to Mike and Amber 's house . I also asked mom , " maybe we should throw the suitcase in the car , just in case ? " and she said that was a very good idea . I called them and said we would probably be over in 45 minutes ( it takes about a half hour to drive there , so I was imagining it would only take 15 minutes to get ready to go ) . I had packed up most of the suitcase the week before , since there was a night I was so uncomfortable I could have bet money on the fact that I was going in to labor that night ( but I obviously did not ) . I had grossly underestimated how long it would take me to get out the door . Packing is one thing . Packing during contractions that ( I did time them ) were coming every 3 and a half to four minutes is another story . It took us an entire hour to get the final few things together and load up the car . We headed out the door at right about 7pm . I texted Fernando that we were dropping Hadassah off . I thought that maybe I should text my text - list of people that I was in labor , so I programmed the numbers in mom 's phone so she could easily text the list of people with updates later . I was nervous doing this task in between contractions , because I didn 't want to mess anyone 's number up ! During the drive I was debating whether we should end up going to the hospital or not after dropping Hadassah off . My wonderful mom , who was thinking much more clearly than I was , wisely said , " Why don 't we see how you feel after we drop off Hadassah ? " We quickly dropped Hadassah off . I used the bathroom and stayed in there until my next contraction passed . Mom and I went back out to the car and had a pow - wow . " What should I do ? " I thought . " Ok , " I told mom . " We are on the same side of town as the hospital . Why don 't we go , and they can at least check me if nothing else . " I felt really good about my decision . I realized that if I went home first and then back up to the hospital immediately , that would be an entire hour more , and it was already 7 : 40pm . I knew Fernando got off of work at 7 : 40 and would be able to answer the phone any moment . We basically drove right by his work as I was on the phone with him . I told him we were going to the hospital and that he should just go straight there , and that we would literally be arriving only a few minutes before he would . The timing seemed pretty perfect and it made me so happy . We arrived at the hospital at right about 8pm . I had called on the way over so they had my stuff ready to go . I got into the triage room and all I could think about was how much better I felt in the triage room compared to when I was in the triage room with Hadassah . With Hadassah I was writhing around and could not stay in the bed , and I kept making the monitors come off . This time , I was able to sit peacefully in the bed . My contractions also slowed down sitting there in the bed . I went to the bathroom , and every time I sat on the toilet I had a contraction which was really uncomfortable and had back labor . Fernando got to the triage room at about 8 : 15pm and mom had to leave . A nurse came in to check me and I was almost 7cm . I thought , " wow , that was easy ! " I asked Fernando if he had called off work for the next day , and he said he wanted to wait . I said , " what for ! ? " and he said he wanted to make sure we were staying . I was like , " honey , I know I look fine and happy , but I 'm 7 cm . It 's hard to believe , but we aren 't leaving here without a baby . " The nurse came in again and mentioned how she would call our midwife , Jana , but that she didn 't work on Tuesdays , so she might not be able to deliver me , and Dr . X . might be the one delivering me . I wanted to cry . I already hadn 't seen Jana since my 36 week appointment due to scheduling , and then some doctor that didn 't even work at her practice might deliver me ! However , I was arguing with myself and telling myself to relax , because Hadassah was also born on a Tuesday and Jana delivered her . And Jana has never been in the office on Tuesdays . Several minutes later the nurse came back in and informed me that Jana was going to be able to come in for my delivery . I was so happy ! ! ! We started the process of moving to the L & D room . I first went to the bathroom ( contraction ! ) and then went in the hall . Fernando was on the phone with someone ( I don 't know why he was talking on the phone while we were moving from one room to another ! ) and of course I had a contraction and just fell over on to the wall . We walked out of the triage area to find mom . As she was coming I plopped on to a chair for another contraction . We got in the L & D room probably around 8 : 45 or 9pm . We were sitting on the couch talking for a little while . I was so thirsty , so I was drinking a ton of water . I also could barely talk and my throat hurt a lot , so I got some tea . I threw my clothes on really quickly to take my last belly picture of my pregnancy and then got back in the gowns . I decided to write Emmanuel a little letter because I wanted him to know exactly how I was feeling hours away from his arrival . Probably around 9 : 30ish the nurse came in to hook me back up to the monitors . Around this time Jana came and she said she would come and check me around 10 : 15pm . I had some bad contractions in my back . With Hadassah my contractions were all in my front , and this time they were everywhere , including my back . I also felt some bad pain in my pelvis during some contractions . The nurse brought by a birthing ball around 10 and Jana also suggested I try hands and knees . Nothing felt comfortable at all and I decided I was much more comfortable laying on my right side during contractions . Jana came and checked me and I was about 9cm . By 10 : 30 I remember looking at the clock thinking that things were getting really intense . Mom predicted that the baby would be here by 11pm . I was thinking the baby probably wouldn 't be here until the next day . I mentioned something to Jana and she also thought the baby would be arriving before mid night . I don 't know why it was so hard for me to believe . Right at about 10 or 10 : 30 mom said , " hey , let 's Facetime Rebecca ! " which I thought was a cool idea . I was on the birthing ball at this point and mom and Rebecca were chatting . They were talking about their birth experiences and I don 't remember exactly what they were saying , but they were making Fernando laugh while he was giving me a massage during a bad contraction and that made me angry and I told them to shut up . I think that was the only mean moment I had during labor . The last part of labor is fuzzy according to exact times and sequences , but I 'll try my best to describe the last part of my labor . At around 10 : 30pm , I asked Jana about getting the bathtub ready . The nurse said there were lots of natural labors going on tonight , so she had to check to see if it was available , and also if it had been cleaned if it was in fact available . Fernando continued to massage my back while I had contractions and they were just getting less tolerable and less tolerable . Jana said she could make a hot pack for me , which felt good . It was during this time I also had intense pain in my pelvis in the front . Jana , at some point , also showed Fernando how to do counterpressure on my back , and she pushed on my sacrum . All I can say is that was the most relief I had felt in a long time ! I finally felt like I could manage during most of the contractions . At a little past 11pm I asked about the tub . Jana said the tub was available and was clean . I got pretty happy . But then Jana said she had to check to make sure I was not 10cm . If I was 10cm I couldn 't get in the tub . So , she checked me , and I was indeed 10cm . She suggested that I could get in the shower if I wanted to . I had a few more contractions in the bed and then headed to the shower . I was in the shower for several contractions . It didn 't feel great and I said , " I just want to be in the tub ! ! ! " in a very whiny voice , I am sure . I desperately asked Jana what else I could do to feel some relief , and she said , " besides having the baby , you could try bearing down . " I didn 't feel the need to push , but I decided to bear down on the next contraction . I felt a tiny bit of relief . I did that for two more contractions . On that second contraction I started feeling too hot in the shower and said , " I have to get out of here . " I got back on the bed in a somewhat hands and knees position and had a contraction . Once again , I decided to bear down to help with the discomfort and my water broke ( yay ! ) and Jana said it was clear ( phew ! ) . I immediately said , " uh - oh " because I knew this meant that things would get more intense , and I still was under the impression I was going to be in labor for hours . I put my head at the head of the bed and got on my hands and knees . With my next contraction I felt Emmanuel 's head starting to come out ! And WOW I felt it ! ( With Hadassah I didn 't really feel much during crowning and her coming out ) After the next contraction I thought his head has to be almost out , but it still wasn 't . I think it took probably two more contractions and then his head was out . Those were the longest and most intense minutes ever ! They felt like forever . I did indeed feel the need to get him out of there . It was a " bittersweet " feeling . I was thinking , " I don 't want to do this ! " but I knew the only exit was out ! During the pushing stage I realized my mom was still on FaceTime with my sister . I thought they had hung up an hour before . After his head was out , I knew that the hard work was over ! I just waited for the next contraction and got his shoulders out , and it was immediate relief ! They passed him through my legs and I turned around with the help of a nurse and snuggled my little boy ! I remember thinking he had much more hair than Hadassah had , which made my heartburn worth it . He also had really long and thick fingernails , and he had dry cracks all over him as if he were an overdue baby . He looked like a little old man ! And for some reason I thought he looked like a monkey . I also said he was furry ( maybe that is why I thought he looked like a monkey ) . Even though I felt way more with this birth , I barely even tore , and at 6 days post partum I have not had any swelling really and haven 't felt any pain ( except when I cough , since I am STILL sick ) . It didn 't take Jana very much time to sew me up at all ! I was so happy that Emmanuel did not have to go to the NICU like Hadassah did . It was such a sweeter experience to have my baby with me immediately after for several hours ! Now I have 8lb 2oz and 20 inches of sweetness to enjoy I did it . I actually did it . I just finished encapsulating my own placenta . While I was picking up the final ingredients last week for the process , I didn 't do it very enthusiastically . Nor did I think I would actually do it . Even when I was in the hospital I was having second thoughts about encapsulating my placenta . I mostly thought , " do I really want to do this right after having a baby ? " Then I thought of my lonely little placenta , sitting in the hospital freezer for a month , fully expecting to get picked up by me . Upon discharge , I asked the nurse about my placenta ( I actually almost did forget ) . She returned shortly with our doggy bag . I stuck the placenta in our fridge and was just dreading the whole process . I thought once again how maybe I wouldn 't do this , but then I wondered what I would do with my nice biohazard bag . Of course I could just throw it in the trash , but we have a horrible cat problem in our neighborhood and I knew they would get in to my placenta and eat it . Yuck . So I figured , if anyone is going to eat my placenta , it is me ! Not some gross cats . I started the process yesterday . It took awhile for me to get psyched up . I finally broke down with a typical post partum cry , weeping about how baby Emmanuel had only had one wet diaper for the day and how he was sleeping too much . I just cried and cried . I knew that was a good sign to get my booty moving on fixing up my placenta . The task at hand loomed before me and seemed so gigantic and overpowering . Step 1 , I washed my placenta . This would have been more pleasant had it not been so cold on my hands , and if I wasn 't having back and belly pain from my uterus contracting and returning to its original size . I can see why people hire other people to do this . Plus , you have to take in to account the grossness factor . I kept telling myself this was just like any other piece of meat ( with a membrane attached to it - ewww ! ) . I spent about 20 minutes washing out my placenta . Step 2 - I steamed my placenta . Once again , I 'm cooking up my placenta . Gag . I threw in ginger , lemon , and crushed dry chile peppers . It actually was pretty off hands to steam the placenta . I only had to flip it once . Step 3 - Slice and place placenta on a dehydrator . This part I was kind of okay with . The placenta looked more like a piece of cooked meat , but the membrane was still there , and there were some marbled looking pieces which looked disgusting . I actually threw away a fifth or so of the placenta ( including most of the membrane ) because I just thought it looked gross and wouldn 't dehydrate well . Step 4 - I stuck the pieces in the blender . I was afraid our blender wouldn 't make it in to a fine powder . But it did ! That was easy ! ! ! ! That is all . I got 59 pills out of my placenta , but as I mentioned above , I didn 't use quite all of my placenta . My midwife did mention right after Emmanuel was born that I had a good sized placenta . I think an average yield is 75 pills . I would definitely do this again . I am interested in seeing how I feel after taking the pills during this post partum period . It was a lot easier than I imagined ! For reference , here is a site I used to help me prepare the placenta . |
Jimmy Vaun , the terror of the ninth ward , shivered under the cheap wool blankets . Chatham kept heaping them on but it didn 't help . Jimmy 's teeth were still chatting so loudly he thought some of them might break . Jimmy wasn 't the first man Chatham had watched die , but he was certainly trying to be the worst . " Have to bribe for that , but there should be enough mon - " Jimmy stopped in a fit of coughing . Chatham put his hands around the man 's shoulders , feeling the burning hot skin . The coughing broke something inside Jimmy 's chest , and Chatham watched as he tried to get enough air to form words but couldn 't . Pity nearly overwhelmed him . " Not … your place . " Jimmy smiled , then coughed again for a long time . " Outdoors … thirsty … didn 't taste … " Again the coughing took him . " nothing . " " No one does . " Chatham repeated . Before Jimmy could answer another coughing fit took him , doubling his body , making the bed bounce . Chatham tried to hold him down , to keep the man still . Halfway through the coughing changed to a jerking , a twitching and then Chatham knew the man was dead . He laid the body back at the bed , and used his finger tips to close the eyes . A trickle of blood came out of Jimmy 's mouth . How many men had he left that way ? Bleeding from a busted lip or broken teeth ? Jimmy thought the surest way to win a fight was to be the one who started it . Music drifted up from the bar downstairs . Chatham should be there . He knew that . But this , this moment where life ended , it felt like it should be special , like someone would stop for it . No time though , he sighed , said a short prayer under his breath without really knowing he did it , and turned to the sideboard . The purple liquor bottle sack hid under a few good shirts , a velvet vest . Jimmy stole enough to look good and proper . He 'd be buried in that one , not the cheap night shirt he wore now . Chatham counted out the coins , nine sterling . Enough to bury him right , maybe another two besides if any little ones showed up asking for it . Chatham shook his head . " Gonna steal it , Chattie ? Bad idea . " The ghost 's warning didn 't come to him fast enough , and though Chatham moved to the side , the transparent fist still rocked his head back . " Jimmy ! " He shouted . The ghost didn 't respond , just kept moving forward , two fists flying . Chatham dodged some of the blows . " Stop ! " Chatham felt one strike his nose , the sickening crunch noise came just before the smell of his own blood filled his nostrils . It pushed sense back into his mind , and Chatham grabbed at the knife he always kept inside his waist . It flew into his hand , wanted to do its work . " Can 't kill me , Chattie , I 'm already dead . " Jimmy smiled a grin that half the ghosts in the ward would recognize as the last sight they saw . " And I 'm gonna settle some old debts . " The ghost advanced , moving with the grace of a man used to knife fighting . Chatham watched , feinted left , then right . Just a sudden cold cut slipped into his ribs , the pain of a ghostly weapon , he brought the blade up into the mid - section of the shade . Jimmy 's ribs weren 't there , but the knife punched a hole in the mist as if they were . " I 'm sorry , Jimmy , I truly am . " Chatham cut up the center of the soul , splitting it in two . He reached the jaw when Jimmy saw that there was this , not death but whatever it was , and tried to escape . But the knife knew better , once in it stayed in , until it came out of the top of Jimmy 's head . Split in half the ghost stumbled , trying to find a way to right itself . Instead , Chatham cut the head off , turning the smoky form into four pieces . They disappeared almost before his cut ended . " Sorry again , " Chatham said , but the soul of Jimmy Vaun , corrupt and sinful , had ceased to exist . It would never get to heaven , never go to hell . Outside of the small rented room above the bar , it was as if Jimmy Vaun had never been born at all . ( I 'm working hard on a young adult steampunk manuscript and haven 't been writing my usual short stores . Instead of ignoring my blog , I 'm posting excerpts . Today , how Chatham , the bar owner and all around tough guy handles ghosts . Read the others : Andra and Chatham meet , how Andra Deals with Ghosts . ) Andra could only nod . The specter hovered a foot off the ground , its arm stretching down as it pulled the dagger out again , then shoved it in , this time skewering the lord 's ear . He clutched at the pain there , and the ghostly knife slid out from palm and ear drum at once . Andra knew what came next , knew what she had to do . She hated it , but that didn 't matter . The ghost would go on stabbing until the lord fell over dead , then his ghost would find someone new to start stabbing or cutting or perhaps even beating . The cycle had to stop . She moved forward , and put her hand out , the fingers pressed together , her palm facing the warm brick walls of the great room . Ignoring the lord and his pain , she stepped forward , another foot and it would begin . Her feet hesitated , slippers barely scrapping the floor . A second 's hesitation and then she remembered what she did , how she earned her keep . The misty form felt hot on her skin , like opening the lid on a pot of boiling soup , but almost immediately the tingling in her flesh began . Pins and needles , she thought , like my hand 's fallen asleep , except that it hadn 't . Instead her magic was doing its job . The ghost looked at her , madness in its eyes . The old lord sinned greatly and with great pleasure . His ghost was much corrupted . She watched as the eyes , the flat black eyes of any ghost , flickered with some hidden knowledge . Their sins , she 'd been taught , they reviewed their sins as each one fell away , but no one knew for sure . The lord , the living one on the floor , stopped screaming to watch . She wondered what he thought of this , imagined it would change him , then knew better . It never changed any of the others , why him ? The steamy vapor that was his father became a softer fog , cooler now . The fog thinned , dissipating . Cleansed of his sins his spirit went on to rest . ( I 'm down the rabbit hole of writing with a young adult steampunk manuscript . While I 'm out of the loop I 'm posting excerpts instead of my usual short stories . The first : Andra and Chatham meet . Today , how Andra , the one with supernatural powers , purifies ghosts . ) I must apologize , profusely , for ignoring my blog in July . I 'm about 45K words into a manuscript I started back in September of 2011 . About then the business side of writing took up all my attention for a while . When that was done , the story escaped me . It was less than six thousand words , making me think that ( like so many things that start off well ) it wasn 't going to go anywhere . But then … I finished the mermaid manuscript in the beginning of April . I took up something else , but it never set me on fire . I found myself reading old manuscripts to see if anything sparked , and this one did . To make up for my long absence ( sorry again ) here 's an excerpt from the story . A few things to know about the world : it 's a steampunk setting , influenced by English society in the 1890s . There 's some technology but it 's not available to everyone . Like English society there are class levels . Andra works in a Manor House as a servant . While she has the ability to purify anything , from a ghost to a cup of water , with just the touch of her hand , she 's a servant and fairly low in the social structure . Still , she 's above Chatham , a bar owner from the very rough town the Manor House overlooks . This piece is their first meeting , written two years ago , and the thing that sparked my interest enough to start me writing on it again . " Shirt only goes to her elbows . " Chatham 's head shot up , the glass he 'd been polishing forgotten . " Says she 'd like a glass of water , and wants to know if anyone here has work for a Purity . " Chatham 's hand was already opening the piece of the bar , stepping outside it . Not this , not in his bar . Behind him Ginger laughed but Matthew just shook his head . He found the girl in a back booth , her body pressed up against the wall , her eyes wide . She sat wrong , with one arm pressed into the wood of the booth and the other on the table . Sure , it was safer , but that 's not how people sat in a booth . The wrongness of it stopped him for a moment , but then he noticed her arms . Slim , delicate wrists , soft looking light tan skin going up to the curl of her elbow , his eyes dragged themselves away from that female flesh and back to her face . " Can I help you ? " He demanded . Ginger might let her dress slip from her shoulders , and a few girls wore outgrown dresses that showed an inch or two of wrist , but this woman , her arms were bare from elbow to fingertip . Even a pair of gloves wouldn 't hide all that flesh . It should have been shameful , but Chatham found it tantalizing . It made him mad . " I … I was … that is , I hoped I could help you , " the girl stammered . He put her at fifteen , maybe sixteen . Though she could be twenty and passing for younger to help with her con . " Yes , exactly , you see I lately worked for the Manor House but my employment has come to an end . I 'm seeking a new a position , but until I find one - I 'm given to understand you have rooms to let , with sturdy locks ? " She raised her eyebrows . " Safety is my first concern . " " That 's none of your business , " she responded curtly . " I 'm able to barter my work for the room . A bar like this must go through gallons of water . I 'm sure that costs you a pretty penny , no doubt enough to cover my room and board until I make other arrangements . " He finished laughing and snorted at the thought , no one in Downriver could afford purified water . They all used cleansed water . It tasted like chemicals but no one got sick or died from it . " Yes , yes I am . " Andra leveled him with a firm gaze . He looked unscrupulous and beaten . She saw bruises rising along his face . This man , this bar , and these people , were all harsher than anything she 'd dealt with in her life . She wished for the safety of the Manor House , the strict regiments of rules and order that protected her there . Not that they 'd helped tonight , a small shudder ran through her at the memory and she forced herself to consider the present . Get someplace safe to sleep , some food , and then think about your dismal prospects for the future . " I 'm happy to prove my abilities to you . " She took a minute trying to get out of the booth , finally turning so her face was toward him but the rest of her toward the front . It was an awkward way to sit , and she wished she 'd felt secure enough to put her back to the bar . She hurried to catch up with the bartender , his red vest a spot of bright color in the bar . The other patrons wore browns , dirty whites , and the occasional blacks , blended together somehow in a uniform color she would call worn - out or washed out . The women even looked that way , their dressed faded to pale yellows , dusty blues , and watery pinks . Andra kept her eyes on the man , his dark brown hair and lanky frame just a head of her until he opened a back door of the bar and disappeared . Two steps outside she found him again , standing just beside the opened door . The light from the bar fell on a concave gutter . It ran down the alleyway with a rapid current , two feet wide and deep . Litter swirled as it moved past . A dead rat collided with the side of a broken jar then eventually moved farther down , into the darkness . " It comes from the river , see . " He pointed down the dark alleyway but Andra couldn 't see . She just nodded . " We keep it running but there 's the piss from the street and blood from the butchers . " He jerked his thumb to the two buildings next door . " Of course , the river 's not clean to start with . You ever been outdoors ? " " Sure , you haven 't . " His voice sounded like he didn 't believe her . " We get plenty of false Puritys around here . They know a little slight of hand , think a bit of bleach or a sanitizer packet slipped in where we can 't see it will make us believe them . Some people are gullible . They tend to die real quick though . The ones that make it through the sickness , they swear they won 't get taken in again . " " It 's the sleeves I guess , " the bartender went on as if he hadn 't heard her . " We got all kinds of whores , but they wear respectable dresses , even if they are lifting them in the alley . The sleeves are distracting . " " You want me to Purify , this ? " She pointed to the gutter water and squatted beside it . Closer to it , she saw it wasn 't so deep , maybe two feet , maybe one . " I want you to stay out my bar . " She heard the hate in his voice before she felt his boot on her back . It wasn 't a kick , just a shove . She lost her balance immediately , and went head deep into the water . She wanted to shout but stopped herself , clamping her mouth shut against the filthy water even as rage boiled up inside her . She heard the door to the bar slam closed as she put one arm in the water and propped herself up . Her hair had gotten the worst of it . Her shirt was wet but thankfully not soaking . Her skirt just splashed , but filthy with grime where it 'd hit the street . How dare he ! She offered a reasonable business agreement and he treated her like a criminal . The door behind her opened quietly , and the red haired girl stepped out , a glass in her hand . Andra thought for a second it was a peace offering , but no . The girl tipped the glass out , adding half a pint of beer to the mess of Andra 's hair . Pushed beyond her limits , Andra 's hand shot out and grabbed the girl tightly by the wrist . " Gladly . " Her other hand took the pint glass , then she dropped the girl 's hand . She reached and filled it with the toxic mess , catching some of the grit at the bottom . She pushed the girl aside and stormed back into the bar . " You ! " She slammed the glass of black - colored water down on the bar . He opened his mouth to protest , but she spoke before he got a word out . " Watch ! " She put her fingers into the glass and let the purifying begin . The process ended almost as soon as it started . She was used to gallons , not pints , to high cisterns and vats of soup , not one beer glass . Still , a collective gasp went up from the bar as the water swirled around her fingers . She moved them in a circle , creating a current to catch the flakes of chemicals and sediment . In the center of that swirl the sediment looked first dark black , darker than the rest of the water , and then white , as more and more of the foreign matter got trapped the swirl became bright white , and the rest of the water clean . Andra didn 't bother to roll her eyes , she grabbed the glass and put it to her lips , draining it until the last inch . When she saw the white sludge at the bottom coming toward her she dropped it back to the bar . The room exploded in cheers . " Done . " He nodded at her then gestured with both hands , bringing down the sounds of the bar . " You all heard her . She 's staying here . She needs work . " " I 'm … " She stopped , thinking about how the admission would change the way they viewed her . It was a chance she had to take . " I 'm outdoors , and I 'm not proud . I 'll barter or take whatever I can get for honest work . " He missed chocolate the most - the rich velvety smoothness across his tongue , missed the warmth of hot chocolate in the morning sitting by his bed in its chocolate service . In the beginning of his fall from grace , those first painful years without any food and barely any drink , it was easy to avoid his longing . There were so many other things to miss , a good steak or warm bread thick with butter . Later he realized above all else he missed chocolate . Just after the Germans became Huns but before they were Nazis , there came a new torment , chocolate mixed with nuts and raisins . A new taste he could never enjoy . By the end of World War II chocolate taunted him whenever he entered a corner market , from every restaurant menu , and at any hotel . Chocolate had been rare when he was alive . It was the drink of the rich , more expensive then wine . Today it littered the streets . People tried to give chocolate away for free . On any day he passed 5 or 6 delicious torments , luxuries he could not enjoy . Chocolates on his pillow at night , chocolate mixed with coffee for breakfast . That the offers were so off - handed , so casual , made it all the worse . To love a thing and see it treated as valueless when he could not enjoy it was to be cut in some small way . While he did not bleed , it still hurt . Once , his grief had come through and a street vendor said ' What , it 's just chocolate ? ' He left the man intact , shaking his head thinking ' he jests at scars that never felt the wound ' . He missed women too . Missed the desire a man could have for a woman and the way it felt to fulfill that most basic human need . He failed to understand the modern need to make sex something vulgar , something so wrong . He had watched pornography race from sensual enjoyment to extremes of degradation . He felt pity for any youth that could not be aroused by the hint of a breast or the curve of a thigh , who found pleasure instead in the most base of acts in domination or the destruction of feigned innocence . He wished he could understand this need for more and more brutal erotica but , he was dead . In the end , the dead never truly understand the living . He floated , it seemed , between the world he had once inhabited , a bustling city filled with men in suits and women in gloves , and the current world . Sometimes when he walked down a street he could remember so clearly the theater goers in their revelries and the homeless that were the ghosts . He had met others of his kind ; ones who had not fared so well , who saw only the ghosts , never the real people . He did not want to join them , yet when he passed the window of a chocolate shop , filled with golden boxes he could never again open and enjoy , he envied them . He had seen her then , standing in front of that window with its bright lettering spelling out the name of a long dead noble . Would a modern woman know the story behind name of Godiva ? Would she care ? A warm pool of chocolate sat inside a baptismal font , ripe strawberries fresh from prayers lined up by the side . Opposite them , coolly bathed in the grace of God and chocolate were lined their predecessors . The scene brought him to such rapture he nearly devoured the woman . Watching the reflection of her eyes in the glass , in that last moment before the thing inside him made him more beast then man , he saw himself . Her desire was as deep and as unfulfilled as his own . He felt a single emotion , a sudden clear drop of charity . It rushed through his soul and cleansed him of any need to eat . He turned to her . " Both , neither , I don 't know . " Her words came out in a rush while she shook her head . " I can 't afford any of them , and I don 't need the calories anyway . Thank God window shopping is free ! " She began to walk away . Salvation slipping through his fingers . " Wait ! I can afford it , but I can 't eat any of it . Let an old man buy you some chocolate . " She hesitated , skittish . He reached out his hand , suddenly sorry he wore gloves . " Please , it would really be my pleasure . " With the last , he let a touch of himself shine through his voice . She smiled and put her hand in his . " Oh ? " His voice held an amused lilt " I think you 'd be surprised . " They stepped out of the swirling snow into the bright warmth of the chocolate shop . Her name was Maggie . She was young , but old in her soul , a tenth of his age merely 28 . She had spent too much time doing without , helping someone else . They sat in a corner booth of a slightly battered diner . Between her and the wall where no one could steal them was a heap of golden boxes ; too many for such a small woman to carry , not enough to soothe the desires of an old man . They met week after week as the Christmas decorations lost their newness and the crowds became less kind despite the season . Maggie wore the same shabby coat turned gray from overuse . He bought boxes , gift towers , custom pounds and any other thing her eye rested on . He spoiled her only in this , only in chocolate . He never offered her money or even a meal . He only sat across from her in the diner as she opened the gold foil to slip a piece , furtive and delighted at once . He learned she lived alone . Her Mother , who had forbidden chocolate in their home , had recently died . She learned he spoke 7 languages , though some not very well . She watched him watch her eat but never asked why he didn 't or why he felt the need to shower her with chocolate . Perhaps he thought she suspected the answer and didn 't want to ruin the chocolate . Vampires had always been there . He remembered stories of them when he was young . Terrible hideous monsters who could not stand sunlight or the touch of the faithful . He wasn 't that kind . These were more open times , people wanted to meet vampires . People read vampire novels , dressed in vampire clothes , and danced at dark night clubs drinking wine they pretended was blood . He went to the clubs , he tried to understand them , but in the end he was still dead and they were all still living . People in New York , people all over the world acknowledged that vampires existed . Some of them would say ' you mean people who think they 're vampires ' and others would say ' they 've been here all along ' . For the first time in centuries he could tell someone what he was , tell them his real birthday or his whole name and not expect to be branded insane . Like most of the vampires , he didn 't like it . He would have rather lived in the shadows , rather lived a half life filled with lies and loneliness then to be loved but misunderstood . And to be misunderstood so badly ! How many times could he hear the same phrases ? Listen to the same mindless patter of " I know you think you feel but " or " I know you think you know everything but " as if someone else could crawl inside his mind and see what it really was to be him . Still , other vampires had made the decision . They had come out , made themselves something more than a horror movie staple , asked for a life when truly they had no right to one . He wondered what they thought to gain . Wondered what the few that had slipped into the spotlight really wanted . Perhaps they were young and hopeful , new to his world . Perhaps they were old and tired of the chase , running out of shadows big enough to hide them . There were only a handful of them after all . Two or three celebrity vampires , sitting on talk shows debating the correctness of the latest horror novel . He didn 't pay enough attention to the interviews to know if they lied . Did they ever claim to be able to turn into bats ? He would like to see one of them try . He would like to see one of them proven completely and horribly wrong . That way he could go back to hiding , seeking out the others like himself for quiet company when the loneliness got to long . Of all the decades in his long un - life , he preferred the ones without public acknowledgment the best . But Maggie . She might know , she might watch the television and lust after a demon lover . She might dream of a dark prince to save her from life . There was too the chance that she might know and be repulsed . Not find his fine yellow hair or his bright blue eyes enough to bare his cold touch . So for now he left this secret unsaid between them . All they had was chocolate but that was all he needed . He had a routine . It worked for him . At least , he grinned to himself , it had worked the last seven times . Two women , a pair of senior citizens , and four men - mostly truckers - it had worked for all of them . The pair of senior citizens were only a month ago , a loving older couple . Different from the singletons , he couldn 't take the passenger seat and sink his knife in his victim 's side , taking the wheel as they looked at him , shocked and suddenly dying . He 'd had to slice the wife 's throat and the husband jerked the wheel . So much blood , the windshield got coated with it , like it was raining red inside the car . He walked along the side of the highway , his breath starting to come out in white smoky puffs . He 'd have to stop for the winter soon . After Christmas it got too cold and there was no more charity left in anyone 's heart , no more softening at the sight of a hitchhiker . This would be the last time he followed the routine this year . The thought left him sad , and excited . A car slowed , a station wagon , a family car . His breath caught in his throat . Maybe that would be how he could survive the coming winter . Take three now , stock up . A giggle escaped his throat . He 'd stock up for winter . " Oh neat . " It was a stupid thing to say , but little Johnny worried him . He 'd been hoping for a car full of teens . Hoping for a bunch of girls . Now a six year old with chubby cheeks looked up at him . Dad locked the car door almost before it shut . Locked the predator inside , he smiled . The little boy wouldn 't be a problem . " Thought we couldn 't . " Dad nodded . It was a personal question , Dad should 've been upset or scared . The Predator hadn 't even thanked them for the ride yet . He turned toward the unnaturally still child , and studied it . Little Johnny did not blink . Sweat popped out on the Predator 's forehead , the hands that gripped the big knife felt clammy . He pulled it out , as Johnny watched , unblinking . His slid his knife into the child 's side , like going into butter instead of flesh . Didn 't hit anything hard , didn 't see the bright red blood . This was wrong . All wrong . " We 're lucky you came along . Our little boy needed his dinner , " Dad said . The father 's eyes never left the road , the Predator 's eyes couldn 't tear themselves from the knife , stuck so far into the boy 's side that he couldn 't get it out , couldn 't go for Mom 's throat or slash at Dad . Couldn 't protect himself . Timmy isn 't a bad boy . This is very clear in his mind . Momma asks him , now you don 't want to be a bad boy do you ? And he knows the answer is no . Really he doesn 't though . He wants to be good . But he can 't sleep . It isn 't summer but the sheets keep sticking to his skin . It 's just too hot . He thinks about the brook behind the house , and how much cooler he would be if he went swimming . He starts thinking about it after dark , well after dark , when Momma and Daddy have turned off the radio for the night . By the time they 're quiet all he can think of is the cool water . So he climbs out of bed , quietly . His plan is complete : a swim , a cooling dip , then back in bed . He has pictured every step with the clarity of any six year old . He will do this and no one will ever know . No one will call him a bad boy . Outside the world is not hot and Timmy 's plans explode like the poof of his breath in the air . How could the house be so hot and the outside so cold ? He doesn 't understand but he hops from one foot to the other , not making sense of it but still headed toward the brook . He has a vague notion of March and that maybe the wood stove made the house too hot . His mind is suddenly fuzzy , the clear plans of a second ago seem distant . He takes another step toward the brook and then he sees the light . A circle of bright yellow light coming toward him from just over the bank , a train he realizes . It pulls up to the other side of the brook as if there were train tracks there , perfectly silent . His mind springs to life , memorizing rivets and gears , watching the moonlight paint the black engine . Light splashes over passenger cars , people seated in fancy dress and plain clothes , all of them looking forward . Old men , young men , women and babies in another car , looking forward as if the train always ran through his backyard when he 's never seen it here before , but then , he knows in a way that even a six year old must know , that there isn 't another train like this , not anywhere . The engine comes to a halt with a shrill hiss of steam . He 's never imagined anything so fascinating , anything as magical and scary . A conductor leans out , a man in a fine black suit , formal with a brass watch fob looped over his modest belly . " Good evening , Timmy . Fancy a ride on the night train ? " The man has no accent , no hint of malice in his voice , and though Timmy knows he should be wary , the train beckons to him . " Well now , some people they ride for a long time , years and years and years . But a young man like yourself , I suspect you 'd ride just a little while . Just step into the brook , and I 'll get your hand from this side . " His hand comes out , clean with trimmed finger nails , it 's a trustworthy hand on a trustworthy man , but oddly Timmy doesn 't trust him . The faces in the windows turn to him , the heads moving in perfect unison , mouths dropping open . Their empty jaws seem too wide and somehow toothless . He 's asked the right question , but somehow they think wrong of him . He can feel the disapproval coming out of their black eyes . " Oh we 'd get you a pair . The train 's real good about that . " He chuckles at the end , like he 's just told a joke , but Timmy doesn 't think so . He doesn 't think any of this funny at all . He wants a ride , oh yes , but he doesn 't trust this fancy man and his opened mouth passengers . " Train 's got to go . " The conductor checks his regulator , a fine watch . Timmy can see the image on the outside , a train over shadowed by an hourglass . " Come on then , step into the brook Timmy and climb aboard . It 's the ride of a life time . " " No . " Timmy sweats now , his feet still cold on the ground . He wonders if a fever has come over him , he must get back inside to Momma . She 'll know what to do . And yet , the train , the pretty train he so wants to ride . He feels himself take a step to the brook , the frozen grass sharp on his bare feet . The pain brings him back to his senses , and he shakes his head , then turns and runs into the house , tears streaming down his face . He does not look back , does not see the conductor smile in a way that should be kindly , does not see the passengers turn to face forward again . The night train moves on , souls to collect , stops to make . There isn 't much call for steam engine operators in the world , theme parks , national parks , a handful of zoos . He 's lucky to have landed here , in Florida , where the cold doesn 't seep into his old bones the way it did that frosty March morning before he got so sick . The fever dream has never left him , the one where that big black locomotive came out of the darkness and he was so tempted to take a ride . Only here he is , in Florida , on a night that 's hotter than most of the summer days of his youth , and something woke him . Something he can 't quite place . He slides open the glass door to the patio , letting the humidity roll into the house . Shuts it , thinking of his wife and how uneasily she sleeps these days . The change is on her , and he worries about that . But still , it wasn 't what woke him . Something else , something familiar but not . Then he hears it again , the low whistle of an engine . All smoke and fire , a full head of steam . He knows the sound at once . Not an engine , but that engine . And there it is , in his backyard , despite the fence , without any tracks . A gleaming black piece of machinery steams to stop just ahead of him , leaving the place where the conductor stands just a few feet away . The engine purrs at him , like a seductive cat . He wants to run his hands over it but he knows they 'll burn . He 's had enough of those burns to remember the sting , but then how many trains run without tracks , in his backyard , after midnight , in Florida ? It 's all impossible so he reaches out to stroke the metal . There is no burn , no pain , heat yes , agony no . Then all at once he does . He remembers trains upon trains , drawing them with waxy crayons and polishing models . Every train he every drove , pushing the engines to their limits . None of them were ever this good , this enticing , and he 's proud that she likes him . His hand wraps around the metal bar , hangs on for a minute one foot on the yard , one on that first polished step . For a second he thinks of his wife , the grandchildren . Idly his mind turns to work and the things he meant to do tomorrow . Then his foot reaches off the ground , touching that next step . His pajamas change into engineer 's coveralls , heavy denim without the grease streaks and stains he expects . A pressed shirt , striped in white and light blue , comes over him and around his head a cap presses his hair down . Everything else is forgotten . Once upon a time a widow had three daughters . The first two were extravagant but the third was thrifty . While her sisters longed for fine things , the youngest daughter spent her time sewing dress scraps into elaborate quilts with her mother . When the time came for the sisters to be married , the first two daughters choose men who could buy them dresses of velvet and silk . The youngest daughter chose a man who would let her quilt with her mother . When her work was done for the day , the youngest daughter would return home to the sewing room and quilt as her mother sat rocking in a rocking chair . The two older sisters spent their time at parties and dances . They rarely came to visit their poor mother . One sad day the mother died and the girls gathered for the reading of her will . Each daughter was to receive one quilt , then the house would be sealed for a week . At the end of the week , the daughters could take whatever they wanted from the house . The youngest daughter was pleased to have a simple nine patch quilt that she and her mother had made together , but her two older sisters fumed . They didn 't want blankets made of rags . They threw their quilts down and marched off . The youngest daughter picked up the quilts and went home to cry for her mother . The older sisters plotted to sneak into the house before the week was up and take any money or jewelry they could find . The two waited until the darkest part of a very dark night to sneak inside . They searched and searched for jewelry and money , finally ending up in the sewing room . When one greedy sister opened their mother 's sewing box , the sewing scissors flew out cutting the girls ' dresses . Snip , snip , snip went the scissors , and down fell squares of velvet and diamonds of silk . Snip , snip , snip , the scissors went again and long strips of snowy white lace fell from their petticoats . The two sisters ran empty handed from the house wearing only rags . When it came time to claim their inheritance , the older sisters were too scared of the haunted scissors to enter . The youngest daughter couldn 't understand their fears . She went inside and up to the sewing room where she had spent so many hours working happily with her mother . There she found a quilt she had never seen before , it had elaborate wheels of velvet and silk , with borders of soft white lace and though the girl had never seen her mother work on it her mother 's initials were neatly stitched in the corner . " The house is kinda of different , " the real estate agent said . She sounded nervous , like maybe I wouldn 't be able to do my job . Renovating this house wouldn 't be easy , she 'd told me while she took me through the warren of rooms . " The old man that lived here was forever cementing over parts of the yard . " I verified the house was haunted after the second week . There was a cat I always saw out of the corner of my eye , then a little girl , about three , with long dark hair . There for a second and then gone . The way they do . The professor who owned the house turned the side yard into an office . I found the sewing machine after I knew about the haunting , neatly stored in an original wooden box . A gift from the 1950s , packaged up with everything but a bow . Strange that I 've worked with antiques for years and never found this one . Until , just after I realized the house was haunted , it shows up here , like the day was my very own private Christmas . " A lot of them probably , but I only need to know one . " She walked through the house like she knew her way , from room to room past all the cheap white walls he 'd put in by himself . I was ripping them down one by one , but so far no bodies . " You 're doing a lot of work on the place . " " Haven 't found anything though . " Except the sewing machine I 'd always tried to find , sitting there like a present . Maybe the house was giving it to me to say thanks for looking or maybe it was a bribe to stop . I hadn 't touched it . I 'm the type who insists on looking a gift horse in the mouth . " Don 't want to be , I just am . " But that didn 't satisfy her . I cleaned out ghosts but I didn 't like angry ones . " You look like a college girl , only a little out of date . And there haven 't been Pinkertons in this century . " " It 's a living . Find a house , clean it up , break down some walls , new paint . Ghosts drive the price way down , it 's easier to flip it when it 's clean . " I shook my head . " It 's not hard . All you have to do is find out their secret , speak it out loud , and they 're gone . It 's the power of the secret that binds them here , all of them . " " And the professor ? What 's his secret ? " She challenged me with it , like there was no way I could 've figured that out . " That he 's a murderer ? " " I 'll bring in a thumper . " She cocked her head at me confused . " It 's a device that thumps the ground , then sends out an ultra sound wave so you can see where the bones are . But you don 't need the bones only the secret . " " It 's never easy . There aren 't a lot of clues left behind but secrets will out . " The pump started to rattle in her anger , shaking like it was ready to break itself apart . That might not be a bad thing . " Besides there aren 't many secrets worth killing for . " " Oh that he was black , maybe , passing for white , or a woman , passing for a man . You could do that back then , as long as nobody found out . Someone always finds out . " " Don 't be cross , I do this all the time . " The pump exploded with a burst of steam loud enough that , as the only living person in the yard , I jumped . The ground split underneath it , and I saw the edges of a tin box . " This is the big reveal , " I told her , not bothering to look . The paper inside was a little damp and little moldy , a birth certificate . Huh . " Passing for a white and a man . The sewing machine should 've tipped me off . " " That 's how I got it , " she said but when I turned around she was already fading , washed away like dirt from bones . I looked down in the hole , and saw the hands first . The professor had killed her with the evidence she found , and then put the pump over top of her . Not a bad plan , worked for nearly six decades , but things like that don 't hold up against me , I 'm a ghost cleaner . Don 't want to be , but I am . She 's there in old family films , her tan legs kicking just a bit higher and straighter than all the other Aunts in a kick line . They 're laughing but something about her face , about Aunt Lucy 's face , as she dances is transcendent , even during a silly little fake dance , trying not to run into the BBQ grill while kids in swim suits run around them . She doesn 't see the backyard filled with family or smell the smoke . When she dances , Aunt Lucy sees something else , and it makes her smile wider than all the other Aunts . My father tells stories about her , and dancing is always in them . Walking to dance class in the snow carrying her dance shoes wrapped in newspaper in case they somehow fall into the wet slush . She danced in wet shoes once and ended up with dozens of tiny blisters . Dad broke them for her , with the sadistic glee that only a little brother can have . She went back to class the next day , moleskins on her feet and her shoes half dried . She danced through school and high school , danced with the boy she loved at prom . There are pictures of him , before he was Uncle Jimmy , with a goofy ruffled shirt under his prom tux . I wonder if she danced the night she left him , danced before she told him it was all over , that she loved dancing more than she loved him . Danced and then left on the train to New York City , with poor Jimmy standing by the platform saying he would wait forever . She ended up near Broadway in a shoebox of an apartment shared with three other girls . Dad saw her there , once , before he shipped out to Vietnam . She was so happy , he said , as if happiness was the saddest thing that could happen . So happy to dance in a little off Broadway show and wait for her big break . And then that big break happened , that audition that finally went right . She got the part . Giddy with it . Dancing not just on stage but in front of hundreds of people . So happy she sent Dad a telegram and called home to say she 'd get everyone tickets to come see her . Dancing on air on her way to the first rehearsal , where they showed her the door to the dressing room and she saw all those other women , and a few men here and there . Everyone getting naked together . And suddenly , she couldn 't do it . Couldn 't strip down in front of everyone and have some man she didn 't know help her into a costume . She 'd grown up in a small town that valued modesty . She just wanted to dance , not be naked in front of all those people . So she took the train home , and found Jimmy again . Made him Uncle Jimmy , and then made my cousins . She only danced in the backyard kick lines , and sometimes in the kitchen on Saturday nights when we kids were supposed to be asleep . She always looked happy when she danced , but I always wondered if she thought she 'd made the right choice . Happy wife and mother , modest to the end , or dancer on the stage , I always questioned if she picked the right one . I asked her once , about dancing , to see if she remembered everything my father did . Her voice was quick and unsentimental , " I went to New York once , but they made you change in a great big room , so that was that . " Then she did the dishes as if they were somehow more important than dancing . I looked down at my body thinking about the things I 'd been in life . Drug user . Occasional part time employee . Troubled daughter . Needy sister . High School drop out . Yeah , I 'd lived like a loser , and I died like one but I sure as heck was about to spend my afterlife like one . It was finally time to take charge of my life , except that it was my death . Well , you know . I 'd been shot . People in the movies get shot and they go to the hospital and everything is fine . Not me . I 'd been shot in front of my favorite bar , and now a crowd of people were standing around my body . I 'd been dead like a minute maybe , minute and a half tops , and one of them was just now calling an ambulance . Losers . I shook my head at all and tried to walk away , only I couldn 't I sort of floated . Two steps and I got the hang of it . Four steps and I stopped trying to walk and just sort of pushed myself forward . I went really fast . I guess that 's how the dead travel . I knew where I was going , my ex - boyfriend 's house . We 'd been broken up about three minutes longer than I 've been dead . It went like this : tell him it 's over , tell him why ( my good news ) , and then he drags me out of the bar and shots me . So yeah , Dave 's house was the first step on my post death review . " Angie ? Oh my god Angie ? " He looked all around but he didn 't see me . I guess ghosts don 't show up , but somehow he could hear me . I could work with that . " What the hell ? I 'm sober . This isn 't happening . " He repeated it like fifty - five times and each time I told him to give it back . Finally he broke . " Okay , okay take it ! Just leave me alone ! " He held the slip of paper out and I tried to grab for it . Too bad ghosts can 't move things . My hand just went through . " Take it to Alice . " " Take it to Alice or I 'll haunt you until the day you die , " I threatened . That did it . He was in his car before another minute passed . I willed myself back to our house , the place I shared with my parents and my sister . She was still eighteen and perfect . Always was , always would be . Well perfect anyway . Perfect little Alice . I 'd hated her a lot in life , but death brought me some wisdom . I was just sad we weren 't ever going to be close , be like the sisters you saw in movies . I got to her bedroom while Dave was still pulling in the driveway . It was a Thursday night , so she was studying . I 'd been out partying . Normally I 'd have given her hell about it , but being dead , I just gave it a smile . The doorbell rang and we went downstairs together , her walking , me floating . Dave held out the piece of a paper like a shield . " Here . Take this . It 's Angie 's she wants you to have it . " " She can 't okay ? Just take it , Alice , don 't give me a hard time . " He held the lottery ticket out to her and my sister didn 't even look at it . " A hard time ? You show up with whatever that is and say she can 't give it to me and I 'm not supposed to ask questions . What do you think you 're doing anyway ? " " He took my life . " I whispered it , but they both heard it . Alice looking right through me , right into the corner where I was standing and didn 't see me . " I want my life back ! " I shouted it at him , screamed at him , filled with a rage only the unforgiving dead can feel . I stepped forward , forgetting that I couldn 't touch him and slugged him . I 'd hit Dave before , just like he 'd hit me . Never in the middle class living room my mom loved , never in front of Alice , but yeah , I 'd decked him once or twice . This was a thousand times worse than that . I hit him with everything I had . He jerked . Just a little . It pissed me off , so I hit him more . " Stop ! I 'm sorry , okay Angie ? I 'm really sorry . I 'd take it back if I could . I mean it . I swear I didn 't mean to shoot you I just couldn 't help myself . Come on , Angie , ten million . You 'd have shot me over five . " I didn 't stop hitting him . I went lower , making him double over in pain . I went higher and he put his hands up to block me . The winning lotto ticket slipped to the floor . Now Alice did pick it up . " I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry okay . I 'd switch places with her if I could . I would . I swear to God I wish I could switch places with her . " I balled up my fist , ready to hit him again when a jolt of electricity came through my chest . It hurt . I blinked , but the pain in my chest stayed there . It hurt worse than getting shot . Worse than dying . But Dave was the one moaning now . Alice watched him for a second , then kicked him square in the chest , pushing him out the door . I heard my little sister dial 9 - 1 - 1 but underneath it I heard someone say clear . I looked at Alice , my winning lotto ticket in her hand , telling an operator to send the cops . Then I looked up and saw the bright lights of an operating room . My chest hurt , everything hurt , I was in a hospital , a bunch of people were working on me , but I was smiling . Smiling because I had a feeling Dave had traded places with me , and now that I had a second life I sure as hell wasn 't going to be a loser any more . |
Yup . We went to Australia . I 've wanted to go since I saw a video in world history class in Jr . high . It was one of the biggest positives to moving here , all the traveling we hope to do . We went to Cairns ( northern Australia ) for 4 days . ( I did this post over a period of time and the photos locked up so that 's why they are in a line and then a group . But I did it ! And these are just some of the photos from my phone . There 's still Brandon 's camera . ) Then we took a tour to the Cairns Tropical Zoo for the day . It was really cool ! Sophie found this kangaroo full of bags with food to feed the kangaroos . The workers were so nice and let the kids each have a bag for free . Instead of getting dropped off at our hotel we asked the bus driver if he would take us to the mall instead and we could walk back . Can you tell how excited Christopher was about seeing Target ? 🙂 Well , we were quickly disappointed because it 's not like the Targets in the states . it reminded me a little more of a Kmart . We left with nothing . Unfortunately it was a rainy day when we did this tour , so we didn 't get to see everything due to the clouds that hovered . The rain was the only downside to our trip . It only poured one day , but it drizzled the others . You can go into another building and see where they take care of the cocoons . I don 't know if you can see it , but on the bottom of the leaf is a HUGE caterpillar . These ladies swap out the leaves in the bottles and move the caterpillars to a new bunch to eat . Sophie and I on the glass bottom boat tour . We saw a ton of fish ! We also took a semi - submarine ride , but since you are sitting under the water no light can come through your window so it was harder to see very many fish . We decided to take a tour around Cairns . I felt bad because this was my idea and I think it was a little boring for the kids . But the sun finally came out and we had fun visiting with everyone on our bus . They were from all over , but the family we talked to the most was from New York and the daughter went to Vanderbuilt , but was doing a semester in New Zealand . How cool is that ? ? The cutest little beach area was the end of our tour . Just think Seaside in Australia . It was so windy at this point the waves were crazy rough ! Sophie was excited to see a wedding party taking photos . Get this , a guy we ended up talking to on our boat back from the Great Barrier Reef was in this wedding party ! We all laughed when we saw each other . We had a great trip and I still can 't believe we went . It was so short and kind of all planned at the last minute , but totally worth it . Next time we want to go for longer and visit Sydney . We 've been told you need at least 2 weeks to see Australia and enjoy it , but we didn 't have that ability this time . Can 't wait to go back ! ! Who would have thought that taking the time to write something once a month would be so hard to do ? I 've been putting off this post for a while ( ok , I know it 's only May 4th ) because we have too many photos to go through . Why so many ? Because we went to AUSTRALIA for spring break ( WHAT ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! I know . ) and I took about 125 photos with just my phone . Ugh . We are trying to put together a photo album with Shutterfly and it 's a little overwhelming . How I found time for blogging when the kids were smaller I will never know . Oh , it 's because I never cleaned my house . Ha ! Ok , sorry . Things are not slowing down and I keep thinking I will have more free time " next year " , but we all know that 's not true . I love my life and I wouldn 't change anything about it ! Ok , maybe one thing . More hours in the day . I have no idea when I will finish this post , but I will finish it . I 'm learning a lot more about quilting thanks to a quilting genius who also lives here in Guam . I took a class on how to copy a photograph and this was what I made . I haven 't sewn it together yet . It was so fun ! Sophie decided to paint ducks one day . This one was supposed to have red lips , but it looks like Duck Dynasty got a hole of it instead . She wanted to send it to my parents , but I didn 't think it was well , it 's just plain scary . Christopher 's class put on a 5 minute play one day after lunch so Brandon and I went to see it . I had no idea he was the main character ! We never even rehearsed at home ! And if anyone has met Christopher you know how shy he can be . ( Except when he 's playing with kids he knows . ) The kids were adorable and did a fantastic job ! They made all their masks and the set too . His teacher is wonderful and we are really going to miss her next year . We had some friends send us a message one day that they were trying to catch a hop to Guam and wondered if we were there and could see them . Are you kidding ? ! ? ! ? ! We were so over the moon excited and changed all of our plans for the week so we could hang out . We haven 't seen , or spoken to , each other in almost 3 years , but you know how you just see someone and it 's like old times ? That 's how it was with Rob and Sarah and the girls . The kids had a blast playing together . We took them to dinner at one of the few restaurants on the water . The sand is a little gross down there , but the view is beautiful at sunset . Sarah had bought some passion fruit before they left Japan and she gave some to us . It was so good ! You can 't eat a lot of it because it 's very tart and sweet , but it 's so unique that you just have to try it . This is the cute little packaging that apparently all fruit comes in when you shop in Japan . Kids watching a movie the night before our friends left . 😦 I can not tell you how much good it did for us to see familiar faces . Eglin was such a very special base for us and we miss those friends so much . We took them to Chamorro Village on Wednesday night . We had never been ourselves , but it was quite an experience . This is a coconut crab on a leash . You do NOT want to try to catch , touch , pet , get near one of these . Why ? Because they can crack open a coconut , therefore they can break your bones if they get a hold of you and will not let go . . Me next to a lizard . It was huge ! ! The dance floor with a live band . It was so cute seeing the older folks out there cutting a rug . The day our friends left my friend Joan and I took the kids to a waterpark here on the island . We had no idea what to expect , but it was perfect ! Christopher rode on everything , even the huge tall slide that I 've probably only done once in my life , but it was too fast and scary to do it again . He rode it 8 times . March was a busy month again . I 'm still trying to figure out how to balance after school activities and play dates and homework ( not that we have much ) and mostly dinners . Everything either starts or ends at 6 : 00 and I 've yet to have dinner just roll out onto the table . But we are still having fun and love living here . I guess the biggest thing that has happened is that we have decided to start the adoption process . We 've talked about doing it for years , but the time has never been right . The kids are super excited about it , ask questions about it and can 't wait to have another sibling . It 's precious ! ! Now , on to the photos for the month ( it put them backwards , so the first of the month is at the bottom and since there are 49 photos I 'm not starting over ) : I met some friends one morning to walk Sanders Slope . It is over 2 miles straight up . My extent of working out has been running a mile a couple times a week in a gym with a / c . And not every week . I was nervous about whether or not I would be able to do it since I would be pushing Sophie in a stroller . We did it , Sophie walked part of it herself and it was wonderful to get to visit with these sweet ladies . I was exhausted and sore the rest of the day and had some painful shin splints , but I hope to do it again next year when Sophie is in school all day so I don 't have to use a stroller . We went to the local flea market one Saturday morning . It was just like any other flea market you would go to , but dirtier . You could by anything from plants to fruits / vegetables to clothes to toys to bras . We didn 't buy anything , but now we know where to buy fish that are sometimes still moving in a bag , if we want one . The kids school had a Family Movie Night recently and they showed two different movies in two different rooms . Our kids wanted to see Wreck It Ralph , of course , and loved it . It was our third time seeing it . I was able to go on a field trip with Christopher 's class to the southern part of the island to learn about how the Chamorro people lived many years ago . It was so neat to learn how they made rope , got salt from the ocean water , used every single part of the coconut tree ( including the roots ) , cooked food , etc . We ate lunch outside by the water and then the kids played some games . I was so glad that I was able to go and have that time with him . Sophie has decided that she needs to learn how to read . The thing with her is that she decides when she wants to do things and we are never ready . She wants to do it now and doesn 't care if we aren 't . It 's great that she is so determined and wants things so badly , so we are just trying to take advantage of that and steer it in the right direction . Christopher and I had a date night after his birthday . He got money for his birthday and we drove down to the Navy base so he could go find some Lego Star Wars to spend it on . He also bought these two little planes . We ate in the food court because he couldn 't wait to get home to start putting together his Legos . Christopher reading to Sophie one night . They do have their moments of love . They are getting fewer and farther between , but at least they are still there . How I found Sophie sleeping one morning . This girl loves her sleep ! She doesn 't stop all day , but when she goes to bed at night she is out cold . The teen years are going to be tough . The kids school had Family Reading Night one Friday night and they loved it ! The 3rd grade acting group put on a skit and then teachers were in different rooms doing different things . Christopher 's teacher had a reading / drawing room and he helped read a story to everyone . It was so fun for us to go around and see all the things that go on at the school . Brandon finally found some good watermelon at the commissary . He bought two and we ate them at soccer practice . He and Sophie went back and bought 3 more . It was $ 20 for all these watermelons and I put them next to this bottle so you could see just how small they actually are . We had a friend , Lindsay , that was deployed here . We had her over for dinner on her birthday . The kids were so excited to buy her balloons and they each picked out a card for her . Of course they were kid cards . She was awesome and loved it ! Brandon filled up the kids pool one afternoon so they could splash around some . The base pool has so many rules it 's kind of annoying to even go . But it 's free and kills time so we go every now and then . I really thought I would post weekly . I guess making sure I post monthly is better than never posting at all ! It was another busy month around here . It 's great that the kids have an activity every day after school , since we have almost an entire day to kill when they get home , but sometimes it would be nice to just hang out and not have to leave . We took a few nights off this week because we were all just too tired . When your child who normally refuses to go to bed at night asks if he can go to bed before supper you know you need a night off . I have more photos to share , but they are on Brandon 's computer , so I will have to post those later . Enjoy ! On the way home from dance I caught a glimpse of this sign and my heart leaped because I thought for 2 seconds a Chick - fil - a had opened . Nope . What my van used to look like on Fridays . Ice cream treats from McDonalds ( bribe b / c we would leave straight from school and not get home until supper ) , bag of activites , ballet clothes , snacks / drinks . Now we take the back road and it saves us about 45 minutes of traveling time so we don 't have to bring as much stuff with us . Christopher made a sign for Lego Club one night . I finally got all my pieces of my quilt put together . I 've started sewing little white strips between them . I love it ! I woke up on my birthday to my favorite breakfast . My husband loves me more than I deserve ! ! He also planned a scavenger hunt for the kids and I so we could find my present . ( which I had no idea he 'd bought because we don 't let him go anywhere without us on the weekends . poor guy ! ) My gift , my new painting ! ! I love boats and paintings . This reminds me of my dad ( simple boat and red ) , my grandpa ( painting of a boat ) , days at the lake and living at the beach all in one painting . It makes me smile and is hanging right over my sewing machine . Their Christmas gift from Brandon 's sister also finally arrived . I felt awful because both times the gifts mentioned in this post made it all the way to Guam and were sent back to the States and had to be mailed again . Mail is a very sore subject here in Guam . Sophie decided one morning she was going to learn to write numbers larger than 0 - 9 . We were at the commissary and she had her notepad and wrote all the way up to 54 . BUT before she could write the next number , she had to find it somewhere on the shelf first . Her idea , not mine . I had to take a deep breath and go with it . It ended up being fun . This totally reminds me of when I was a kid . When we got back from dance we noticed that daddy was still at the office and it was 5 : 45 . We decided to kidnap him and bring him home . He had to make a phone call first and the kids entertained themselves with stamps and highlighters while we waited . Playing with the plastic bubbles that Aunt Amelia sent us . The kids loved these ! They are really cool , butstart to smell after a while , so I suggest taking it outside . Sophie made a sign for Fashion Club ( what ? ! ? ! ) one night . She kept asking me how to write letters and I couldn 't figure out what she was doing . She wouldn 't let me see it until she was finished . That is a picture of me on there . She even came up to me to see which brown marker matched my hair . Sophie loves to look at books before falling asleep at night . But she usually sets all of them on the floor when she 's done . This night she just couldn 't hang . I tried this post once today and I left the page thinking I could come back . You can 't . I think I had about 40 pics on here , with captions , too . Blasted ! January was a busy month for us since we have the kids signed up for a lot of activities ( when they get out of school at 2 : 15 , you need to kill 6 hours before bedtime , that means lots of boredom if you have nowhere to go ) so we spent that month trying to figure out how to make our new schedule work best . Here are photos . ( fingers crossed ! ! ) Christopher had to make a family tree for culture class . He kills me because he complains about projects / homework , but once he gets started he 's awesome ! He doesn 't want any help and has finally accepted that he will have work to do and to just do it sooner than later . ( Whew ! ) On the way to our first ballet class . She still goofs off a little , but really enjoys it . I will catch her practicing sometimes . Makes me so happy ! How I found the kids one night watching tv . I have to say that there was a pillow next to Sophie , but neither one of them bothered to move it . Love moments like this . We told them it was Sophie 's birthday so they brought her a treat and sang to her . She loved it ! ( Notice the hair that she cut in the front ? Just makes her hair poofier than normal now . ) Sophie was invited to a princess party and had so much fun ! It was the cutest little party with different stations for the kids to go play at . The mom even found huge blow up swords for the boys to play with . One thing Sophie was super , super excited about ? Having watermelon ! ! ! The fruit here is hit or miss , mostly miss , so this was a really big treat ! Christopher really wanted to get Sophie a scooter for her birthday . She loves it and they chase each other all over the place now . Christopher is crazy about Star Wars and made this with duct tape while playing outside one day . The kids didn 't have school one Friday and the weather was perfect so we scooted down to the playground and they chased each other on the basektball court for a while . We stayed there for over 2 hours . Have I mentioned how awesome the weather is here ? ? After ballet that afternoon we took the kids to Chuck E Cheese . It was the nicest / cleanest one we have ever been to ! The pizza wasn 't any good , but the kids didn 't care . This is where Christopher played for about 15 minutes . Family photos ! Playing around with the neighbors . This was the sunset one Saturday night . I took it with my phone , so just imagine it looking even prettier in person . Christopher decided he wanted to try cutting the grass . He did great , until he saw our next door neighbor playing kickball . Then it was play time again . I 'm going to be honest , I wasn 't expecting much this year . I 'm used to being around family , whether that means one or two grandparents or a house full of cousins . I was thinking that I was going to be really sad , lonely and feeling terrible for my poor husband having to put up with me feeling this way . The first two weeks of December were tough , but then I realized that it didn 't matter where we were or how many people were here , as long as the four of us are together it will be wonderful . Especially since we weren 't together last year . Brandon really wanted to spend Christmas afternoon at the beach and grill out . I wasn 't totally on board , but I wanted him to have his Christmas too . I may have pouted a little bit more , but this Christmas ended up being so very special and I wouldn 't have traded one second of it for anything . Brandon grew up spending most of his holidays without extended family since they were living overseas most of the time , so it was really special to get to see and experience the kind of Christmas he is used to . And the kids had just as much fun with it being the four of us as they do when we have everyone we know in the same room . Ok , enough talk , here 's the photos of our day together … . First we went to our friends , the Johnsons , house on Christmas Eve for a delicious dinner . Sophie was so cute and told me how to fix her hair and she had to have a necklace and a bracelet to wear too . She was also very excited to find out that Rachel had made pumpkin pie . Sophie loves going to their house because Rachel always finds some kind of craft that Sophie can make . She was very serious about her gingerbread house . Her buddy Ben - Ben was being his adorable self too . Ok , NOW we are on to Christmas morning . I 'll keep it short because there are a lot of photos . And I left some of them out too ! Daddy got a ukulele . Now to figure out how to play it . He tried tuning it , but it won 't hold a tune , so I 'm praying that it 's not broken . Brandon really wanted to get Christopher his own golf clubs . He thought C might enjoy it more if he had actual kid clubs instead of ones that were cut down to size . Christopher 's reaction was priceless ! ! ! ! He was even more excited than we thought he would be . At lunch we headed down to Gab Gab Beach on the Navy base . We had heard it was really nice and everyone was right . It 's my favorite beach so far . Mostly because you can park right next to the beach and palm trees line the water so we didn 't even need to put our tent up . And here 's the view of the van . I cranked up our Christmas music while Brandon grilled out next to the van and the kids ran around playing and dancing . This will definitely go down as one of my favorite Christmases . Brandon showing the kids the ribs and sausage we were having for lunch . I didn 't plan well at all , so we literally had ribs and sausage that Brandon bought . Ok , we also had doritos and cheetos . I forgot that I threw in an apple at the last minute . Probably should have eaten it because we felt pretty gross by bedtime since every meal we ate that day was either sausage or pork . On our way home we decided to stop at Two Lover 's Point . We didn 't realize that you had to pay to go up to the edge and we didn 't have any money , so we just peeked around the corner . This was the better of the views I could get . If we had waited a little later it probably would have been even better . Next time . Overall I would rate this as a wonderful Christmas . I thought I would really miss all the craziness and the chaos that usually occurs this time of year , but there was something so special about it being simple and quiet and just us . Merry Christmas from Guam ! We live on a wonderful street . Some run away from it , and we did when we heard about it , then we saw the house , saw the view and decided to embrace it . We also thought it might make living here a little more fun . We live on the street where everyone ( as in hundreds ) come to trick or treat and to see Christmas lights . Some have a theme and some don 't . Some pass out treats and some don 't . You are free to do as much or as little as you 'd like , but you know moving in that you have to participate . Since we moved here the week before Halloween we didn 't do anything except buy candy . And we had to rush to get Christmas together ( shipping takes FOREVER with Oriental Trading , the best place to buy bulk ) and the stores run out of decorations fairly quickly . I originally thought we 'd go with a winter wonderland theme because snowflakes , if we could find any , could stack easily and I loved white lights . But after talking with Brandon 's mom , she said , " Why don 't you use your kayak and go with a Hawaiian theme ? " Well , as soon as we heard that we were sold . We headed to Home Depot and couldn 't believe it when we found a pair of light up flamingos dressed for Christmas . We grabbed a blow up Santa and as many colored lights as we could . We searched online to see where we could get a lot of plastic flamingos and threw a couple more things in the online cart and had it shipped to my in - laws who then shipped it to us . It was a lot of work , mostly because we have never decorated the outside of our house before , but it was totally worth it and now we know what to do for next year and it won 't take nearly as long . I really wish the photos had turned out better , but the little flapping flamingos in the yard were awesome and also too small to show up in the whole picture . And Christmas lights just don 't photo well at night . You just have to take our word when we say the whole street looked amazing and the kids had a blast ! ! I can 't wait for next year ! ! And poor Brandon is probably dreading it , he worked SO hard For three days leading up to Rota Walk the wind was insane . It was steady at around 25 mph and never let up . The above photo is the same shot as the photo on the top of our blog . You can barely see the water in this one though . We normally have " sea air " leaving it 's mark on your car , but these few days it was worse . And you could see the direction the wind was blowing in because the front and right side of my van was so much dirtier than the rest of it . I had to clean my windshield just so I could see clearly to drive that day . The photo below also shows the strong winds because normally the palm trees are perfectly round on top . I was laughing when I came home because one of the trees had a branch that was wrapped around a light pole like it was hanging on for dear life . Here is the front of our house that night . It started raining about 2 hours before Rota Walk was supposed to start so everyone was nervous . The year before apparently it poured a LOT and thankfully this year it was much shorter . Here is the cutout that Brandon had made for people to take their photo in . And yes , Sophie looks like she 's falling out , but she 's heavy now ! I swear she has grown two inches since we got here ! One of the houses at the top of the street ( where the General and some other " more important than us " people live ) had a live nativity scene . Another house had Photo Booth there and so we could take some fun pics together as a family . The kids ( by that I mean Christopher ) got into it more than I thought they would . It was so fun ! Last week , Sophie 's preschool had their winter performance . Imagine 120 + preschoolers dressed as either a snowman , Christmas tree or a reindeer belting out about 6 - 7 carols . It was the cutest thing I have ever seen ! I got there early and parked myself on the front row . Then I went and grabbed Christopher out of his class so he could keep me company . And to help take pictures and video . Here 's Miss Priss dressed as a snowman . Her class had to wear a white shirt and denim bottom . The teachers had made these cute little hats with their names on them and they had a paper scarf to wear . He hat fell backwards in this pic , but it was the only one that didn 't show all the other kids and their names , which I thought the parents might appreciate . All I have left are videos and I 'm hoping to figure out how to post one on here . Seriously , the cutest thing you have ever seen ! ! Well , it 's Christmas Eve and we are trying to get the kids down , correction , Sophie . Christopher put himself to bed ! Goodnight and Merry Christmas ! ! ! ! I apologize for not posting in a couple of weeks . We 've been pretty busy . And I was sick one week . Nothing serious like the flu or anything , but I felt bad enough I didn 't want to do anything . I have a good bit of photos , but they are mostly of Sophie , since she 's who I 'm with most of the time , so it will look like I 'm playing favorites . Christopher just runs too much for me to get a picture of him . Here 's a little of what we have been doing ( in no particular order ) : Picking up packages at the post office . I hate that they won 't deliver to your house , but what can you do . I 'm a little annoyed with the post office right now because they have sent at least one package back and two are nowhere to be found . But we have had some wonderful surprises show up and the kids LOVE checking our box to find mail or help to carry the boxes to the car . No matter how big . ( I just found out the packages were sent different ways , so hoping that just means one way takes longer than the other . ) Trip to the commissary with Sophie . Those are almost always entertaining . I 've learned to become much more patient than I have ever been , of course allowing yourself 3 hours to get through the store AND going at 7 : 45 in the morning really helps . She almost always has a purse , we both have our sweater / sweatshirt and she MUST grab a newspaper when we leave . She loves that they have kid carts there so she can help me and thinks it 's funny that hers fills up before mine does . Sophie 's outfits are either really cute or really funny . She has several pairs of bloomers , most of which are little shorts , that she can wear under her skirts and dresses , but the kids still say they are panties . She hates this , so she has decided to wear leggings under everything . And they never match . I love it because my sister was the same way when she was little . They both need shorts so when they hang upside down from the monkey bars nobody sees their panties ! One day Christopher got out of school early ( they only had one full week in November if that tells you anything ) and it was a really windy day , so Sophie and I decided to take our bikes to pick him up . I walked mine and Christopher 's bikes and Sophie rode hers . He was SO excited ! Poor Sophie was a little tired on the way home , but we made it and hope to do it again another day . We went to the post office after school one afternoon and had 4 packages in the mail ! The kids were so super excited to see all the goodies that a sweet friend of mine had sent us . It was so awesome and exactly what we needed . Brandon worked REALLY hard getting our house ready for Rota Walk . Our street is named Rota and every year it where everyone comes to trick or treat and see Christmas lights . Having never really done either of these things before we thought it would be fun to dive into the madness we heard it could be . The walk is this weekend and we can 't wait ! I will post photos , but go ahead and know that Christmas lights don 't photo nearly as well as they look in person . We had a trial run last night and it 's going to be awesome ! ! Brandon and Sophie making a coffee cake one Saturday morning . I can 't tell you enough how much we have enjoyed Brandon 's new work schedule . It 's been so fun to have him around so much and I feel like I have my best friend back . It 's been 9 years since we 've spent this much time together . Last Saturday night we had Brandon 's office Christmas party . We had so much fun and they even had this awesome photographer there with all these props . Here we are with our friends , the Johnsons . And here 's Brandon and I at our table . I forgot to mention that they had a vintage theme . We were all trying to figure out what in the world to wear and how in the world to find it on this tiny island , but I think we pulled it off pretty well . Here 's our yard in the day time . I can 't get a good photo of the whole thing , you just have to see it in person . We have about 45 tiny flamingos with spinning wings staked into our yard . It 's loud when the wind gets blowing . One of my neighbors told me that it freaks her dog out every time she walks him in front of our house . We have been told how happy our yard makes everyone . Our sign on the wall says " Mele Kalikimaka from the Hemphills " . It 's Merry Christmas in Hawaiian . We love it . Well , that 's all I have for now . I apologize for them being a little out of order and for it taking so long to get them on here . I will try to do better next time . I also have some hilarious videos of the kids I want to post , but haven 't figured out how to do that yet . Belly aching laughter from those two ! We have had some great family moments lately and I 'm loving it ! I really thought I would have this post up sooner , but I kept putting it at the bottom of my list . We had a great , and very busy , Thanksgiving week here in Guam . We had three different meals to attend and I was so happy to be at each one . First , up this week was the movie Sophia the First finally coming on tv . All the tv shows come on the following night here . It 's a little confusing because they advertise the night it comes on in the States , but since we are ahead of you we have to wait for it to come on the next night . And I have to remember it 's on at the eastern time zone and not central . Which means I really have to think when it comes to recording . Then you throw in that the timer is slightly off so I have to adjust every recording so we don 't miss the beginning or end of a show … . . let 's just say I watch most things on hulu . Anyway , I tell you about this only because Sophie has been asking for a month if it 's time for Sophia the First to come on . I let her plan the menu for that night ( she asked for hot dogs and chicken , but I told her we could leave the hot dog part out ) and she wanted to make a cake … . and popcorn . Before she went to school that afternoon I let her help me make the cake . Sophie really loves corn on the cob , so we had that with our chicken . And since the kids had been studying about Thanksgiving / Native Americans , Christopher jumped at the chance to help get the corn ready . They were so serious ! Tuesday was the Thanksgiving feast at Sophie 's preschool . All the classes brought food to share , but first we went to Sophie 's class and they sang some songs for us . The girls were dressed as Pilgrims and the boys as Native Americans . They were so cute ! ! And as much as Sophie loves getting attention from others , when she is supposed to be up in front of a crowd , she freezes . It 's really funny ! ( What 's even funnier is the next day at our parent - teacher conference her teacher talked about how shy and quiet she is ! I about fell out of my chair . She was surprised to hear me say that she doesn 't stop talking at home unless she 's asleep . Funny girl ! ) She 's such a cutie and so proud of her daddy ! She wants him to take her to school , pick her up and stay home with her when she 's there . I think she would glue herself to his side if he would let her . This is the only picture I took on Thanksgiving day . Sophie has really been missing Alabama , especially her best buddy , Joshua . We were so happy to get to Skype with them that morning . The two of them giggled and chatted for about 20 minutes . They have such a special and precious friendship . I told her one day on the way to school that she can make new friends just like she is with Joshua , her response was , " No . There is only one Joshua and I want him . " Poor girl is having fun here , by sometimes I want to just pack it all up and take her back to her friend . Thankfully this week was much better . All she needs is time and a good Skype with her buddy every now and then . The day after Thanksgiving we went to the mall to see if we could find anything for Brandon and I to wear to his office Christmas party . The kids found this huge " marble works " thing in the middle of the mall . It used pool table balls and a basketball instead . I think we stood there for about 20 minutes just watching it go . We finally got the kids to go ride on the train . Funny , I know , making your kids go ride . They wanted to , we just had to remind them . Want to know how much it costs per kid to ride ? One dollar each . Yup ! We may not have much here in Guam , but we DO have $ 1 train rides at the mall ! 🙂 When we got home Brandon went to cut the grass and Sophie decided that she was going to sweep up the grass that was on the patio . She went inside to change her shoes and came out with her boots on . I love these boots . And they worked MUCH better with her outfit than her dress up high heels that she stomped around in all day . I 'm sorry , I don 't care who you are , but high heels with a denim skirt just don 't work . Saturday we decided to head down to the beach . We loaded the kayak on top of the van , grabbed all the buckets and shovels and chairs that we could and off we went . It was so nice to just sit and watch the kids play and Brandon to get to enjoy time in the water again . Nothing brings me more joy than you sit in the quiet and watch my family enjoying time outside . On Sunday after church we went to a different beach with our friends , the Johnsons . They have been wanting to take us to Ritidian Beach , but we just haven 't made it yet . It was a beautiful , but rough , drive . Potholes that almost made Brandon want to turn around and get his jeep . It was actually kind of funny to watch several cars drive over the road because you didn 't care about being on the right side , you just wanted to avoid the holes . But once we got past it , it was glorious . I still can 't believe that we live here sometimes . Brandon and I went for a walk with Sophie and Ben and when we came back the other boys had found a place under a tree to call their fort . Then my phone died . It was a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon ! Last week was the busiest week we have had since we moved here . Monday was a holiday and the school had parent / teacher conferences most of the week . Christopher went a full day on Tuesday , was out by 10 : 45 the rest of the week and Sophie didn 't have school at all ! I also had a Pampered Chef party , Bible study and MOPS three of those mornings with only about 45 minutes to kill before having to pick up Christopher . So , I honestly didn 't have time to do a post until now and didn 't think I had any photos to show you either . I should be going to bed , so this post may be happening over several days . It turns out that I did take a few pics with my phone so I will post those for you to see . Here goes ! At our MOPS meeting at the end of October , one of the moms told us about how her family makes a thankful tree every year . Her girls are now young teens and still make sure they do it every year . She even gave each of us a hand out explaining how she did it and had templates of pretty leaves we could trace . Of course I lost that piece of paper and so I had to wing it . I also only had a tiny window one day to cut it all out and enlisted Sophie to help me . The kids have had so much fun writing on their leaves ( which were hand - drawn , very loosely , but hey , leaves aren 't perfect in nature , so why should they be in my house ? ) and it 's so precious to hear the things they are thankful for . Sophie 's are a little more long winded than the rest of us ( more like a run on sentence than 1 - 2 words ) , but still just as sweet . Our laundry room is awesome and has tons of storage . I had bought some indoor / outdoor fabric several years ago thinking I would recover some chair cushions , but basically got scared and never did it . Little did I know that I would be thankful I was scared back then because I would need it now . There is a cubby in that awesome laundry room that I was able to cover with this fabric and I love it ! Of course when you squat down to take a photo at it 's level you realize that it looks like the mustache from The Lorax is in the pattern . Brandon and I laughed because you don 't think that standing up , but when you squat down we have Dr . Seuss in our laundry room . Last weekend I really wanted to go down to the Navy base to look around . Sophie broke her only pair of flip flops and we couldn 't find any at our base . We were told it was flip flop central down there . So off we went on Saturday afternoon and ended up finding two pairs of shoes for her and not much of anything else . Well , they actually have a lot more there than we do here , but since the kids were with us there was no way to get any Christmas bought without them knowing . We had told them that we would take them to see Wreck It Ralph too and so we grabbed an early dinner at the food court , tried to talk the kids into just going home because Brandon and I were so exhausted , but they really wanted to go . So we headed to the mall and went to the movie . The sign below was on the door into the mall . I thought it was really funny ! Most malls tell you no soliciting or skate boarding or smoking , etc . Not here ! Apparently it 's kind of like dip . But of course I had no clue . I 'm just glad the sign is there now that I know what a Betel nut is ! On Sunday we went to the BX and bought a new tv stand and desk . We really hoped to not need a tv stand and to find a used desk , seeing as how we left / sold both of those items at home ( the tv stand was too small anyway ) , but we had reached the point of not caring and bought them anyway . We spent the rest of the afternoon putting the tv stand together and I have to say , I 'm really glad we bought it . I love it ! Aren 't you glad when that happens ? We also were not happy with the kids rooms and Brandon would sneak off while I was working on the tv stand and took all the doors off their closets . I wasn 't sure how I would feel about everything being exposed , but he was so right ! It looked so much more open and since the kids don 't need to hang any of their clothes anyway ( well , Sophie has a few dresses , but not enough to matter ) their rooms feel so much bigger . So Monday we woke up and went to Kmart to see what we could find as far as storage for Christopher 's room . We found what we needed and went home and put it together . Their rooms aren 't finished yet , but we are basically down to just hanging stuff on the walls now . While we were working in the living room I heard something . The kids stole some of the foam from a box we 'd opened and shredded it . I heard the vacuum running and went to see what they were up to . This is what I found them doing . I can 't tell you enough how impressed I am with how clean Christopher is keeping his room . We have made a rule that toys stay in your rooms and it has to be picked up before going to bed . He even cleaned his room without me asking him to ! He always finds ways to impress me . I love him ! Here 's Christopher 's closet . It 's just an industrial shelf ( like we have in the storage shed ) and some baskets that collapse . We figured we could use the shelf in a garage when we move away and he already has a nice bookshelf . And the baskets just happened to be the right size and color . They are empty enough that there is room for more stuff too , which I love ! He has changed it up a little everywhere else , but the shelf was all I cared to show right now . And here 's a corner in Sophie 's room . She loves to play dress up , so I thought a little corner to do this in would be perfect . Again , we have changed things since I took this photo , her dresser is now on the opposite wall and the kitchen is where the dresser is . Like I said , it 's all still a work in progress . And why nothing has been hung up . We 've been told that everyone gets here and then never really unpacks for about 4 months . I refuse to wait that long . I also lose steam and don 't feel like unpacking anymore . But I can happily say that we are very close ! Sophie really wants to help in the kitchen . And she has become a very good little helper . She has always wanted to help , but wouldn 't stop talking long enough or listen and I was afraid she would get hurt so she was banned . But we have started trying again . We set some rules . Rule # 1 , she has to talk less . She knows she will be kicked out if she doesn 't listen because Mommy doesn 't want to start dinner all over OR have her get hurt . We wear our aprons and slide our little step stool all over the place . It has been a lot of fun for both of us to do this together . She also loves to go to the commissary ( base grocery store ) with me . They have littld kid carts and she usually fills hers up before I am half way through our shopping . It 's closed on Mondays , so sometimes we go after we take Christopher to school Tuesday morning . She has learned that it 's kind of chilly in there and makes sure that she brings a sweatshirt . We went yesterday and we spent about 15 minutes trying to figure out what to wear . We changed into comfy pants , t - shirt , sweater and a scarf we found a week ago that Grammie had made . She keeps asking when it 's going to get cold enough to need it . She is not happy that we only have warm weather here and keeps asking to go back to Alabama so she can see family and wear winter clothes . 😦 So we have started wearing it in the grocery store . I forgot to get a pic of her though . Here are some other ones that are just as cute . And just so you know , she picked these outfits out all by herself . |
When I 'm not crocheting my fingers to the bone , with mountains of yarn scraps surrounding my desk chair , the kid and I have been making weekly YouTube videos . Haven 't done too many natural hair videos lately because I 've been wearing a lot of hats to work . You know , slick advertising and what not ( and it 's working , YES ! ) . I used to sneak and do my videos when the kid was asleep , sometimes I even did them in the car . But when I realized that having the kid 's participation made for a better , more fun - filled video , I decided to include him . If he wasn 't feeling to honery of course ( which is hardly ever ) . He 's been addicted to getting his picture taken since he came into the world so making videos was just a natural progression . Of course , if he ever gets to the point where he doesn 't want to be bothered , I completely understand . Hey I can be funny and entertaining all by myself . I don 't need no cute little smart alek 4 year old to make my videos fantastic . . . Well , it wouldn 't be as much fun . So I 'm going to milk this for all it 's worth . LOL Hey , some people may think that I 'm taking advantage of my son and using his cute face and silly antics for my own personal gain . You know what I say to that ? Times is hard and the kid is going to have to get a job one day so he might as well figure out how to market his skills now . { crickets } It 's not like he 's really doing a whole lot . He 's just being himself , which would be great for ratings if we were on a real tv show . But as it stands , he takes some of the pressure off of me when I 'm attempting to make a not so boring show and tell type video for my crochet items . I got the Mirena about 4 years ago after having my son . Since then , my periods have been pretty much non - existent . I may spot for a day or two and that 's it until the next month . The last few weeks , I 've been experiencing a lot of fatigue and after my manager told me she had a dream that someone was pregnant , I made an appointment with the gynecologist . The last time she had a dream like that , I along with two of her nieces , were pregnant at the same time . I told the nurse and doctor that I wanted to make sure that the Mirena was still in place and that it was still working . They didn 't do a urine test and they didn 't draw blood . All they did was tell me my blood pressure was high , fondle around in my " you hoo " and do a pap smear for STDs . They told me I had a year to decide if I wanted another baby , if I wanted another Mirena or if I wanted to get my tubes tied . A week later , the spotting started and actually lasted an entire week . Like I said before , prior to going to the doctor , I 've been feeling all kinds of crazy . I 've been having a lot of headaches and my back hurt for about three days in a row . I 've been getting dizzy and my right eye felt like it was going to jump out of the socket the other day . I read a couple of articles about the odds of getting pregnant with the Mirena and came across numerous sites where women have gotten pregnant after having the Mirena for 3 months to 3 years . I tried to convince myself that I was just now experiencing side effects of the Mirena but I remember how I felt the last time I was pregnant and this feels nearly the same . Yesterday , the results from the Pap smear came in the mail saying that everything was fine but last night my lower abdomen started feeling heavy and that 's when my mental alarm went off . This morning I took a home pregnancy test and I wasn 't too surprised when " pregnant " popped up in the little window . Everyone has been telling me for years that my son needs a sibling and I have been turning my nose up at the thought . I can 't Posted by A friend of mine asked me to write down what I want from a relationship and what I think my role should be . After reading , he agreed with some of the points and STRONGLY disagreed with some of the others . I expected that , so I was only bent out of shape a little . I would like a man that I can share my feelings , ideas and interests with . I mean , I am not the type of person that just complains and whines about stuff for the heck of it . If I have a problem , I want to be able to talk to my man about it without him making me feel like its frivolous . I want my man to feel he can share whatever is on his mind with me as well . I 'm pretty open - minded . ( I 'll try my best to refrain from making any of my signature facial expressions as he bears his sole . ) I want my man and I to be each other 's # 1 fan . Whether laughing and joking or engaging in a serious discussion , I would like for both of us to be able to speak freely and honestly , yet respectfully . I am not a mind reader and I don 't expect my man to be one either . If we don 't let each other know our likes and dislikes we 'll probably end up with more sad or angry times than happy ones . Friendship / Quality Time I believe friendship is a very important part of a relationship . If I can barely stand to be around the guy or only want to be around him when I need something ( or want something ) what 's the point ? Going out and having a nice time is good , but as long as we can spend some kind of quality time together , I 'm happy . Sex is great ! ( I 'll get into more detail about that in a moment . ) Being talked softly to or touched gently ( or roughly , depending on my mood ) would bring me to climax a lot quicker than someone just ramming into me and saying " let me know when you get one " . ( More times than not , I end up lying to Mr . Wambam and pretending I got one but … anyway . ) I like kissing and being kissed . I like touching and being touched . I like hugging and being hugged . Well , you get the picture . I 'm touchy feely most of the time . And I like being around someone who treats me like he really wants me . Sex Like I mentioned before , sex is great . I like having sex . Some may call it being a freak or a nympho but of course women are usually branded negatively by those names . I don 't see anything wrong with a woman that has a big sexual appetite but hey that 's my opinion . I do realize that the older people get , the less their desire for sex becomes . Sometimes health issues make having sex nearly impossible . In my opinion , as long as the intimacy is there , my sexual appetite will be pretty much satisfied because there is definitely more than one way to get the job done . As the woman , I do believe that I should allow the man to be the man in the relationship . I would like to be given the opportunity to express my feelings about something but I do realize that the final decision should be the man 's . Even though this is my philosophy in my head , I have rarely had the opportunity to let this philosophy manifest within my relationships . Most men these days don 't know how to be men which made me have to step up and practically play both roles until I got fed up and called it quits . I believe in supporting my man but not to the point of taking care of him , unless he 's sick . I mean I don 't mind " helping a brother out " but when his needs attempt to outweigh my needs or the needs of my child that is definitely a " hold up , wait a minute " moment . I will respect my man both in public as well as in private . I do not believe in " busting folks out " in front of friends , family or complete strangers . I do try to do things to put a smile on my man 's face . I used to use the term " make him happy " but if he is not happy with himself , nothing I say or do will make him happy . Hopefully whatever I do for him will add to the happiness he already possesses . In conclusion … Sometimes I do have a smart mouth but that has come with age , as the result of the people that I have been around and my experiences . If I come across disrespectful that is not my intention . It is more of a defense mechanism . I spent too many years following the wrong people blindly ( and silently ) . With a little time , I can change my negative way of thinking and try to focus on developing a more positive outlook on relationships and life in general . I believe that I am a good woman who has just been hurt more times than I care to mention . I am not stupid . I can recognize a good man when I see him , even if I do have to overlook certain personality traits and deal with some things that I am not used to in order to reap the benefits of a relationship with that good man . Around this time last year , I was getting ready for NaNoWriMo . For those of you that don 't know , that 's an acronym that stands for National Novel Writing Month . I have several blog posts about it if you want to learn more . Anyway . . . I 'm not doing NaNo this year for a couple of reasons . Number one , I have three novels in progress in various stages of completion . One of them , I am ashamed to say , has been on my to do list since 2001 . Now I 've revamped it a number of times by changing the title and practically changing the whole story line to fit what I think someone would really want to read . Quintina Mitchell 's story , Her Leftovers , is the book that has plagued me for a decade . From the responses I 've been getting to the excerpts that I 've posted , I think I have a pretty good story , I 've just got to make up in my mind to just be done with it already and let the readers tell me if they like the whole thing . The other two works in progress are my NaNo projects from the two previous years . Sassy Johnson , the private detective and Cole Slaw , the bounty hunter , have been battling for attention the last couple of years . They both want me to finish their stories ASAP but I haven 't because well . . . I don 't know why . Probably because I keep going back to Her Leftovers . So if I can 't decide which one of these books to focus on , what 's the point of starting another one . Since I like all three main characters , the next book would probably be a part two to one of these projects . The next reason why I 'm not doing NaNo this year is because of my crafting business . It 's getting cold and everyone is hounding me about hats and scarves . I 've been getting a lot of orders for the jewelry too so my spare time is usually spent surrounded by beads or yarn . It 's tiring but I love it . You can check out some of my Youtube videos ( www . youtube . com / suzyquzy ) and the photos on my Facebook ( http : / / www . facebook . com / susienmccray ) page if you want to see the different items I have made . Speaking of YouTube , I have been trying to document my hair growth since I 've been natural . My hair is now longer than it was right before I started growing the relaxer out . My goal is to get it to the length and thickness that it was in high school . I 'm almost there , yayyy ! Maybe by next May I will have reached my goal , which will be the 2 year anniversary of being completely natural . Despite all of these things I 'm doing besides writing , I still think about writing . Writing was my first love and I will always go back to it ( Hence this blog post . ) One day I 'll slap myself upside the head and complete at least one of these books . If I do it before next October , I will definitely start prepping for NaNo . Boy Who can I talk to about adding more hours to my day ? Mary J . Blige is loving her man 25 / 8 ( 25 hours / 8 days a week ) so maybe I can get 29 / 12 . Just a thought . My friend , Dorothy , and I were walking down the aisle at work when we ran into two other coworkers . Ms . Paulette was decked out in her usual attire - - all purple everything . The lady that was with her , whose name I don 't know , had on an all white outfit . Dorothy told the lady in white that she looked nice and she responded , " Thanks . I figured I 'd go ahead and wear it one last time . " I smiled and nodded but I was thinking , huh ? The outfit didn 't look like it was too little and about to burst at the seams so what was she talking about . For the rest of the day I wondered about the " don 't wear white after Labor Day " tradition . I even asked some of my other co - workers what the big deal was . I mean I had heard about it all my life but I didn 't take it very seriously . Heck my grandmother forbade me to wear red because she said it was the devil or Jezebel - like or something . ( She would smack me with her cane if she could see this red fro on my head , but I digress . . . ) Sandra told me to just Google it so I did and found a number of sites that gave me a lot more info than I bargained for . It talked about people wearing white during the summer to keep cool but not in the winter because it wouldn 't keep them warm enough . They also mentioned that they didn 't want to mess up their white duds during the rainy and sometimes muddy months . As I continued to read , I happened across another reason . Back in the day , early 20th century , middle and upper class people used the " rule " to differentiate themselves from the poor underprivileged souls who weren 't worthy of being in their hoity - toity presence if they didn 't know about the only wearing white between the beginning of spring and Labor Day thing - a - ma - jig . This had to do with knowing which fork goes with which dish too but I don 't get that either . * shrug * Yes , I know , I haven 't blogged for a while . Please believe that I have not just been sitting around twiddling my thumbs . Before my addiction to social media , I was a very avid crafter . From crochet , to cross - stitch to working with foam sheets to scrapbooking , I never had a dull moment . Most recently , I took an interest in jewelry making . I have a few videos dedicated to it on my YouTube channel ( click the " I love YouTube " button to the left ) . Until the last few months , I wasn 't that into jewelry but a coworker of mine began selling beaded bracelets and earrings . I became one of her most loyal customers until I requested something that she didn 't have time to produce - - hoop earrings . Having been patient for several weeks I decided to buy some wire , tools and beads and made my own earrings . Now I never set out to start a business but I seem to be heading in that direction . Everything I wear to work , I get one or two or ten people that want the same or a similar item . So far I 've only been making custom jewerly that the customers request but I 'm probably going to start doing a feature item a week where I make at least six of one items to see how many people will buy it . . One thing I 'm going to have to learn is to not give everyone credit . I try to do POD ( pay on delivery ) but some folks don 't pay when I deliver . Yeah , I know everybody 's money is funny , but I don 't have the money to make stuff for free . I mean if it was for advertising purposes , and the person referred a few people to me , I could give them a free item every so often . Otherwise , I need my money honey . To avoid not receiving payment , I 'll just let people know when I have their items and tell them I 'll deliver it whenever they are ready for it . People with common sense know that means , " have my money ready " . I 'll see how this jewelry making thing pans out over the next couple of months . I plan to start making hats and scarves again for the winter . The last time I did that was maybe 6 or 7 years ago . I stopped because I was working two jobs and got overwhelmed with orders . Hopefully , I 'll be able to keep up with the demands this time . This is an exerpt from one of my three works in progress ( # WIP ) about a female bond enforcer by the name of Nicole Slawyer ( " Cole Slaw " for short ) . Let me know what you think of this story . I want kids but I 'm kinda afraid that I 'll break them . Not that I 'm a child abuser or anything , it 's just that kids always seem to get sick in my presence . I think it 's me because when I 'm around them and their parents , they are perfectly healthy . As soon as I get them home alone with me , their nose starts running ; they get a stomachache and / or throw up all over the place . This is so not an exaggeration . My godson , lil Ron , was the first kid I babysat when he was about 5 years old . His parents wanted some alone time . Baby Tina was at Ronald 's parents ' house , and I volunteered to watch Ron since he was bigger . They said it would be an all - nighter and they asked if I minded . Joe was out of town visiting some of his relatives that I didn 't like , so I welcomed the company . But now that I look back , he may have been getting down and dirty with his current boo , Paul , someplace . That 's another story for another day . " Of course I don 't mind . Go on , have a good time . But don 't make another one of these just yet okay . " I said . Meosha and Ronald just laughed . My feathered friend , Tipsy and I were able to keep Ron 's attention for about ten minutes before he burst into tears , begging for his mama . I tried to explain to him that he would be spending a little time with Auntie Cole and that he would see mama and daddy as soon as they came back to get him . His bottom lip shivered but he stopped crying . Anyway , I read the directions on the side of the bucket that explained how much dough you should scoop on the cookie sheet to make a regular sized cookie . If I followed the instructions I would be eating about 10 of those tiny cookies , so I decided to make bigger cookies . So instead of a dozen cookies , I made 4 big ones . Ron 's eyes were big as let him look at the cookies before sliding them into the oven . Apparently , Chef Meosha didn 't make cookies that big . Ron smiled and hugged my leg , and went in search of toys to play with until the cookies got done . I set the timer on the oven just in case I forgot that I was cooking , but the aroma coming from the oven filled the whole duplex . Even my neighbors from next door knocked on the door asking what I was cooking . It was always a major even when I turned on a stove . I guess my neighbors thought that someone in the family had died and I was making a dish for the repast . Meosha and my boo , Marcus , had me spoiled . That brought and even bigger look of concern . They had never seen me with a kid and probably didn 't think I could handle it . I assured them that everything was under control and they told me to knock on the door if I needed anything . Lil Ron and I sat at the kitchen table staring at the oven with our heads on our propped up hands . As soon as the timer went off we jumped up . I grabbed the oven - mitts and pulled out the mega - large chocolate cookies . I placed both of my cookies on my plate . Then I went to fridge , grabbed the half gallon of milk , and poured both of us a glass full . Lil Ron gobbled his cookie down quickly and was ready for the other before I was halfway through with my first one . I put the other one on his plate and he gobbled it down too . He drank all of his milk and sat there looking as if he wanted to attack me for mine . I gave him half of my second one . He sat back rubbing his stomach looking really satisfied . " You wanna watch cartoons ? " I asked him . He nodded his head vigorously . I had him settled on the couch watching a SpongeBob DVD that was in his bag . I was looking at my empty plate wanting to make more cookies but not wanting to share them with Lil Ron . About 30 minutes passed and then I heard retching coming from the living room . It was Lil Ron hacking and then hurling bits of chocolate chip cookie and milk all over the couch . And Ron did indeed look like he was blowing up all over the place . It took me a minute to jump into action and run to the closet and retrieve the mop bucket . Of course by the time I placed it in front of him , only yellow stomach acid was coming out . " Its okay , Auntie Cole . They were good going down . " Then he patted my face . I could feel the cookie gook residue that his little hands left on my cheek and wanted to hurl myself . When I went back to check on Lil Ron , he looked as if he was nodding off as he sat in the murky water . I called his name and he woke up . I already felt bad about giving him all of those cookies ; I was not about to let him drown in the tub . I helped Lil Ron dry off and put on pajamas . I laid him in the daybed in my office and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow . I never told Meosha and Ronald about Lil Ron getting sick . Apparently he hadn 't either because he and Tina spent the night with me a few more times over the years until they reached their teens . I guess they stopped wanting to eat junk food until they threw up . Which was great for me , I had to buy a new couch because the old one had faded from all of the washing . I have a habit of attracting men who are down on their luck : no job , no car , living with family or fresh out of jail . Everyone goes through hard times but I would like to date someone that 's not looking for someone to " help a brother out " . To get help with my dilemma , I sought advice from this lady that I follow on Twitter @ TheDatingTruth . According to her website , Miss Solomon offers practical dating advice that could make even the most clueless guy get a date . She is very straightforward when offering her opinion to help single men and women have better dating , networking and social experiences . Ask Questions - kids , career , living arrangements , convictions ? Find this out before you give your number . Its okay to judge it 's your life . Break ties with negativity . Happiness attracts the best people . When you 're happy it 's a magnetism few men resist - you 'll attract great men . I found a lot of truth ( pun intended ) in all of these tips , but I did have one question . If I 'm out somewhere and I meet a guy that I 'm interested in and who 's interested in me , but I don 't have time to ask him his whole life story , what 's wrong with giving him my number ? If I find out later that I don 't like him , I 'll just stop taking his calls . Should I just pass up the opportunity to meet a great guy ? Her response - " It 's not an opportunity if it 's someone you don 't want anyway . Missing out on a guy is like missing out on a sale . There will be another one and you 'll probably find something ( someone ) better anyway . " This is another installment to " Her Leftovers " , after the fight between Quintina and Tamesha . Quintina was sitting on the couch in the living room when Cortez made it home . He had a few bags of food and a bouquet of flowers in his hand that he struggled not to drop before heading to the kitchen . It was dark in the room so Cortez was startled when Quintina called out to him . " Hey baby , " Cortez said , turning to her . Quintina slapped Cortez across his eyes hard enough to blind him . He dropped everything to the floor and covered his face , " What the f . . . ? " Quintina grabbed the remote and pressed play . She turned the volume up . Cortez rubbed his eyes and squinted at the tv . His bloodshot eyes got big as goose eggs and then filled with tears . " Baby . . . " Quintina pulled her gun from the shoe box , pointed it at Cortez and cocked it . " You 've got 15 minutes . " He hurriedly gathered as much as he could stuff in a gym bag and left . After Cortez was gone , Quintina collapsed to the floor and began to sob . She had no idea what she would do next . The obvious choice was divorce but she wasn 't sure if she really wanted to be completely through with Cortez yet . She would give it some thought . Quintina moped around for about an hour then cleaned up all of the items that Cortez had dropped . Everything that was salvageable was stored away and the broken items were thrashed . The flowers were fine but she shoved them into the garbage disposal . She took a shower , got dressed in a flattering red dress and tried to camoflaug the bruises on her face . Satisfied with her results , she called SaLynne and asked her if she wanted to go out . I 've never played the nagging girlfriend role in any of my relationships . If I asked my boo to do something once or twice and he doesn 't do it , I do it myself or get someone else to do it . My patience is too short to keep begging someone to take out the garbage , cut the grass , wash the car , or pay the dang light bill . The nagging has come from the guys in my life . Well , mostly from one particular guy , I 'll call him Lee . He and I haven 't been in a real relationship since 1999 , but that hasn 't stopped him from bugging the HELL out of me for one reason or another . • " You work too much . " • " How come you don 't call me ? " • " How come you don 't come see me ? " The list goes on and on . Why ? Well , I guess I 've got that come back , LOL . But for real though , in 2008 , I made the mistake of telling Lee that I would marry him in December of 2012 . Now , the agreement was that he and I would have ourselves together by then . I was hoping to have my debt to income ratio down to at least 50 / 50 and hopefully have lost a significant amount of weight so I wouldn 't look like a whale walking down the aisle . He was supposed to have lived on his own for at least one year ( not with parents , siblings , cousins or smoking / drinking buddies ) . Lee should also have a better job that would allow him to at least be able to pay the rent while I handled the other bills . I would work on my cooking skills and he would limit his drinking . It is now May of 2011 , and I have not lost weight , I 've added more student loans to my pile and my cookbooks are collecting dust in the kitchen drawer ( Thank God for my daddy ) . Lee has no job , lives with his mom , and has acquired a drinking and driving charge which has his CDL license in jeopardy . Great couple huh ? Hell no . Time is ticking down and it doesn 't look like either one of us is going to be on point by the end of next year . I 've come to the realization that maybe it 's not time for me to get married or maybe he isn 't the right guy for me . Lee on the other hand makes it his business to at least call me , text me or Facebook me to ask if the wedding is still on and why I haven 't returned any of his calls . The last time he sent me a note , I told him that when I get off of work , that I don 't feel like talking to anybody and that I wish I could leave my son at daddy 's house all week and only see him on the weekends . Boy oh boy , all he could say was " ok " to that . Maybe he thinks I 'm having a nervous breakdown or something . At this point , I don 't really care what he thinks ; he really gets on my nerves so bad . If Lee finds a chick that can put up with him , heck I 'll pay for their wedding reception myself . I should probably tell him that to Who is or has been the nag in your relationship ? If it 's you , stop it , NOW ! ! Here 's part two of this story . Just like last week , this story has a lot of profanity in it . So if you 're sensitive about that you may want to steer clear , or read another post ( smile ) . All feedback is greatly appreciated . Once Quintina had put on her jeans and t - shirt , she shoved the shoe box under her arm , grabbed her purse in one hand and her keys in the other . She ran down the stairs and out the door . Quin , where are you going ? She thought . You know you are not supposed to be drinking and driving . Fuck that , this is not something that I 'm gonna let slide . " Hold on , goddammit , " Dalana yelled . When she opened the door and saw that it was Quintina , she just stepped back and let her in . " Quin , why are you looking all torn up on your birthday ? " " I 'm on a rampage . Call that Tamesha bitch . I got a few choice words that I want to say to her , " Quintina said throwing her purse and keys on the couch . She had left her gun in the car under the passenger seat . " The raunchy bitch sent me a tape of them . You remember when I told you that we had set the camcorder set up in the bedroom . " Quintina had started pacing back and forth across the room . Then she went into the kitchen and got one of Dalana 's coolers out of the refrigerator . " Yeah , I remember . Shit , those are some bold muthafuckas . See , this is your own damn fault . If you hadn 't have been letting Tez get away with all that shit , this would have never happened . They think that you 'll never do anything . " " Don 't start making excuses for that niggah . That 's what you always do . Whether he knew she was taping it or not , he still fucked her . " Quintina was standing in the doorway when Schrhonda and Tamesha arrived . Tamesha automatically got all up in Quintina 's face . She started bragging about how she had Quintina 's man wrapped around her little finger and how she can take Cortez from Quintina whenever she got ready . Quintina tried her best to keep her composure but she couldn 't maintain . She finally got fed up with all the bullshit that Tamesha was shooting off about and suddenly grabbed a handful of Tamesha 's hair and punched her in the face . Then she pushed her out the door and let her fall down the steps onto the concrete carport . After Tamesha had hit the ground , Quintina noticed that she had a big plug of her hair in her hand . She looked at Tamesha 's head and immediately noticed the patch where the hair had come from . Quintina almost started laughing before Tamesha stumbled to her feet , holding her head and cursing . " Bitch , you got me fucked up . " Then she punched Quintina in the mid - section , making her doubled over in pain . Tamesha began to rant and rave again while Quintina was trying to recover . She had all sorts of murderous thoughts going through her mind but couldn 't figure out how she could carry them out without it resulting in a 25 to life prison sentence . " Bitch , Cortez is my man first , hoe . If it wasn 't for your square ass , I would be Mrs . Cortez Robinson . But that 's alright though . I can still get the dick whenever I want it . You think that was the first time ? Oh no , honey . We have been fucking since day one . He came over my house the first night y ' all met at that basketball game . Yeah , he had you thinking there wasn 't anything between us . That 's just how we do it . Even though he acts hard he can 't live without this pussy . Now , what do you have to say about that ? " Quintina finally straightened up and looked Tamesha dead in the eyes . Tears partially impaired Quintina 's vision but she wiped them away . Quintina felt as if she were moving in slow motion . It was sort of like her body was moving by itself because it surprised even her when she rushed into Tamesha like a bull . When Tamesha hit the ground with a loud thump , she moaned in agony . Then Quintina straddled her and began to repeatedly pound her fists into Tamesha 's face . She talked to her in a surprisingly calm voice , almost scary . " You know what , hoe ? You can have that hoe - ish ass niggahs . I don 't need all this drama . I hope all the dick you 've been getting over the years has been worth this ass whipping . Both of you selfish motherfuckers deserve each other . " Quintina pounded until her arms got tired and her fists began to throb . Once on her feet , she coughed up a big blob of phlegm and spit it in Tamesha 's face . " I hope you two have a wonderful and fulfilling life together . " Then she began walking slowly towards her car . Before Quintina could reach her car door - SMACK , she arched her back in pain and turned around quickly . She saw that Dalana was holding Tamesha who had a bat in her hand . Tamesha didn 't say a word ; she just stared at Quintina through her swollen eyelids . Quintina remembered seeing the bat propped against the wall under the carport when she and Tamesha had come out of the house but was too distracted to worry about where it came from . She knew it hadn 't been there when she first arrived at Dalana 's house . Or was it ? She was too tired to figure it out . If you have no idea what a bugaboo is , let me explain . There was a guy that was interested in me but he called too much and he wanted to come over my house all the time and he would constantly asked me when we were going to have sex . The only " date " we went on was when we went down by the river . I sat in the car and he sat on the bank until a rat ran across his foot and made him drop his beer . He was ready to go home after that . I mean this guy was a 41 year old teenager . He would run back and forth from my house to his mom 's house three or four times a day talking about he was board . When I pulled into the driveway , he instantly came outside and walked across the street as if he was sitting right in front of the door or window waiting on me to get home . Sometimes he would be sitting on the porch or in his car watching my house . He said his mother told him that he smothers people and he asked me if I agreed . When I told him yes , he got all bent out of shape . Never in my life had I known a guy that constantly fished for compliments . Dude : " I 'm ugly ain 't it ? Don 't you think I 'm ugly ? " Me : " No , you 're not ugly . " Then he 'd turn around with his butt to me . Dude : " I 'm fine ain 't it ? My cousin said that all of the men in my family were fine . " In all actuality , he was ugly and he was not fine at all . He had hazel eyes but the bloodshot practically made his eyes look like two big brown blobs . Sometimes he would wear the same clothes two days in a row . He smelled like beer every day no matter what time it was . Even when he said that he had just gotten out of the shower , he smelled like beer . He was also a bum . He had no job and no prospects . Dude couldn 't go job hunting ( even if he wanted to ) because his license was suspended for a DUI . Plus he hadn 't paid the guy down the street for the car and I think he was afraid he would get pulled over and get the car taken . Every day he asked me or several of the other neighbors to buy him beer when his mama didn 't buy him any . Dude begged for money to add minutes to his cellphone . And I hear he tried to pay his phone bill with a check that he found in the car that the guy down the street gave him . ( Not sure how true that was but hey you never know . ) One day all I had was a bag of breaded chicken patties in my freezer , about six of them . He begged for those . And came back the next day asking me what I was cooking . Like I said , I put up with this for a week and a week only . I told him that THIS whatever THIS was wasn 't going to work because he required more of me than I could give . " What do you mean ? " he asked . I told him that the constant sex talk was getting on my nerves but it was so much more than that . Don 't get me wrong , if I had really been into him , honey child he wouldn 't have had to ask . But he already knew why I wasn 't that into him . I had told him several times throughout that week until I got tired . Then D started telling him he smelled like beer . It had nothing to do with him hearing me say it because I never said it around D . My son is very perceptive and not afraid to speak whatever is on his mind . Not a day passed that Dude didn 't ask me when I would have sex with him or why I was acting like I didn 't want him . It was so annoying . Everything about him annoyed me . His walk , the way he talked , his smell , the stupid things he said , foolishness all the way around . I had never in my life met a guy in his forties with so many strikes against him . And what 's sad is that he thought he was a catch . He really thought he had it going on with his drunk , no job having , begging , want to fine behind . I usually don 't write in third person but I decided to switch it up a little bit . I 'm revisiting a scene in " Her Leftovers " where Tamesha decides to let her presence be known . WARNING : There is quite a bit of swearing in this story . ~ Let me know what you think . All feedback is welcome . " I just wanted to look over these reports before I turned them in . I 'll be leaving after lunch . " Quintina 's attention was focused on the computer so she didn 't see what Craig was carrying until she looked up . " What 's that you got there ? " " Oh , the guy just dropped this off so I decided that I would bring it in for you . Cortez is so romantic , I wanna grow up and be just like him , " Craig said wiping away imaginary tears . Quintina played it cool until her boss walked out then she pulled the light blue bag with white letters on it to her and pulled out the white and blue tissue paper . Cortez must have gotten somebody to help him with this because he 's never took the time to find tissue to match the gift bag , she thought . When she had finally gotten all of the tissue unraveled , she found a video tape . I wonder what 's on it . Dalana did say that she told Cortez that I wanted him to learn how to strip for me ; maybe that 's what it is . When Quintina got home she ran straight to her bedroom so she could look at her present . She put the tape in the VCR and walked over to the nightstand and pushed play on the remote . At first she just saw Cortez laying on the bed smoking . That ain 't no cigarette , that 's a blunt , I 'm gonna kick his ass . Then she saw a dark skinned woman get in the bed with him . What the fuck ? They began kissing and touching each other . He turned the blunt around and put the lit end in his mouth and put his mouth to her nose and blew the smoke in . I can 't believe this shit . I need a drink . Quintina paused the foolery and went downstairs to the kitchen and pulled Cortez 's bottle of vodka out of the freezer . She got a Sprite out of the refrigerator and poured some of it into a plastic blue cup . She had intended on making her drink half liquor half soda but she decided to grab another cup and fill it to the rim with vodka . She took a swallow of her drink . It burned going down but it wasn 't nowhere near as uncomfortable as it would have been under normal circumstances . She was already on fire . When Quintina got back up to her room and restarted the tape , the first thing she saw was the woman get up and go over to her dresser and pick up the bottle of Motion Lotion that Quintina and Cortez used quite frequently . Quintina finally got a good look at the skeezer and realized that it was none other than , Tamesha . That bitch ! Tamesha got back into bed with Cortez and opened the bottle pouring some of the strawberry flavored lotion on her hand and rubbing it on his penis . Then Tamesha lowered her head and filled her mouth . I can 't believe they 're doing this in my house , in my bed . I want to kill them so bad , but neither one of them are worth going to jail over . Quintina had finished her drink when she noticed that there was music playing in the background on the tape . Then , as if right on cue , Tamesha pulled away from Cortez 's groin and walked over to the radio . She turned up the volume a few notches , looked at the camera , then sauntered over and turned her ass to the camera . No that bitch didn 't just jiggle her flabby ass butt cheeks in my face . She went over and climbed on top of Cortez , facing the camera so Quintina could see the expression on her face . … Still in love with … Quintina threw her cup toward the TV , barely missing the screen . " Our fucking wedding song ! Aw , it 's on now , " Quintina yelled out loud . She reached under the bed and pulled out the shoe box that she kept her loaded . 45 millimeter in and put it on the bed so she would remember to take it with her . But first she had to change into her beat down clothes . I guess my view of how a relationship should be is in between traditional and modern . I mean , every guy I date knows how to cook so we take turns doing that . As far as working and paying bills , I think we should do that together as well . I 've never had the desire to be a housewife , but I would have liked to stay at home with my son his first two years but I wasn 't in a position to do so because I 'm a single mother . I had a career before my son was born so I couldn 't just stop working , I didn 't have that big of a support team . My original plan was to be married before I had a child but that didn 't transpire , so I 'm making the best of it . Now I have one guy who seriously wants to marry me but he has no job and he lives with his mom . He 's never lived on his own , well let me clarify that . He 's had roommates , live - in girlfriends , a brother and cousins that he 's shared a place with . There was never a time when he was the only one responsible for taking care of all the bills . I have a problem with that . I 've worked continuously since my last two months in high school ( 17 years ago ) and I have lived on my own for more than half of that time . Yeah , it is hard out here for a sister but I do what I gotta do . Over the years , I 've found myself in relationships with guys that didn 't have a job when I met them but I got with them anyway thinking that maybe I could help them get on their feet . I learned the hard way that some guys really don 't want to work . They rather stay at home and keep the house clean and cook while the woman goes to work . This is where my traditional views come in . I do not consider a man the head of my household if he cannot pay the house note . Some women have a problem with allowing the man to make most of the decisions for the household , but I don 't if I believe that he will do what is best for the family . I mean , if we have been together for a while and the guy loses his job , I won 't kick him out because he has shown me that he wants to pull his weight . Of course , he ' sThese are my opinions but everyone is entitled to their own . Please share your views with me . My dad helped us move that next day . Once we got most of the furniture into the house , we all just sat around trying to catch our breath . I went in what was to be Darnell 's room , to think about what I had gotten myself into when Daddy walked in . Roshelle spent the night every Monday and Tuesday . Darnell would ask me to help her dry him off when he got out of the shower . I always refused . I already had to deal with the fact that my man was sleeping with another woman , in the very next room ; there was no way I was going to act like I was happy about it . I remember a couple of conversations Darnell and I had about his dream of marrying an older woman who was an ex - hooker . So , whenever I looked at Roshelle with spandex clung to her heavy - set body , I wondered why I was even there . I often took Darnell outside to talk about some of the things that made me uncomfortable . Like the love letters she left around the house . Especially one that went into graphic detail about how much she enjoyed performing oral sex on him ( I guess that 's why she didn 't bother to wear her false teeth that much ) . " Like it , like it , or dislike it . You can roll whenever you get ready , " he would say in response to my complaints . It was as if he didn 't even care if I was happy or not . It didn 't matter that he was only working part - time for a guy who threatened to fire him every week , when I 'd had two steady jobs for several years and I paid the majority of the bills . It didn 't matter that his family and friends loved me , but couldn 't stand Roshelle . It didn 't matter that I had stuck by him for his last three years in prison , and all she could do was write him letters for a year and a half . None of that mattered . He felt that he had tried to make other people happy for most of his life . I realized that I had been doing the same thing myself and I was sick of it . So one night , when he had returned from Roshelle 's house , I was in my room packing . When he walked into my bedroom , I snatched my car keys from him and put them in my pocket . " Don 't you ever snatch anything from me , " he growled . He raised his hand as if to strike me , but I hit him first . He pushed me down on the floor . I got back up and started taking my boxes to the car . I wanted to scream but I didn 't want to wake up his children . I wanted to tell him that I had wasted my time and money on him and that I hated him for putting me through all of that nonsense . It felt like I was going to have a heart attack and a stroke trying to hold in all of my emotions , but I made it through . I know it sounds foolish , but I still miss him sometimes , but not enough to go back . Darnell and Roshelle made me mad enough to kill , but I 'm not going to give up on finding a good guy . I just have to keep my eyes open . I have mixed feelings about people having their single friends and relatives around all the time when they are in a relationship or married . I mean , if a person is a cheater they are gonna cheat but I don 't want to give them opportunity to do it right under my nose . This sounds kind of crazy and paranoid but let me explain . This guy I know told me that he and his live - in girlfriend hardly ever have time for just them or just them and the kids . His girl always had her single sisters , cousins or girlfriends over to the house or Ty and she would go over one of the single lady 's houses . He said that at any given time , one of the ladies would bend over in front of him or make a big production of lifting up their blouses when they pull their pants up . One actually said , " He better not sit by me cause I might have to take him from you . " He finds it flattering in a way , but the subtle and outright advances also make Ty uncomfortable . He feels his girl brings him around her family & friends to rub the fact that she has a man in their faces . From what he 's told me about her , I 'm sure he 's right . I kind of laughed to myself thinking of him as a trophy boyfriend . I told him if he didn 't want to be around the ladies all the time that he should tell his girl . If he didn 't have the guts to tell her , I told him to just grin and bear it , making sure he kept his hands and other body parts to himself . I 'm a hugger , and this one guy that I lived with a while ago used to bring his friends over and I would hug them when they came in and when they left . I mean I hug folks at work all the time so it wasn 't because I wanted to do them , that 's just how I greet people that I 'm cool with . One day my boyfriend told me to stop hugging his friends because they might want to screw me . I looked at him like he was crazy because I didn 't know they thought of me in that way . To keep down confusion , I just said hello when they came in and went into my bedroom until they left . Of course then he said they thought I was acting anti - social so they started meeting at his brother 's place . * Shaking my head * When I was in my late teens and early twenties , I had friends that were married . They were ladies from my church that I used to like to be around because they told me stories about their lives before they became saved , sanctified and filled withI 've known a number of friends and relatives that have slept with their friends ' mates and it caused and still causes nothing but confusion . I mean , if you 're having a dinner party or some other type of get together , it 's cool to have people over to the house , whether single or married . I just don 't think that folks should just be camping out at your place like it 's a bachelor 's or bachelorette 's pad when you have a significant other . A year ago I was trying to adjust to Darnell being on the town instead of living in the prison he was in when I met him . You know how you look back and try to focus on what was good about a relationship ? Well , I 'm sorry to have to admit , I felt better when he was locked up than I did during the three months we lived together . The harder I tried to overlook the things he did , the more my patience wore thin . My name is Yolanda Reynolds . I thought that I would be married by the time I turned thirty , but Darnell Oliver not only wanted to be my everything , but everything to every woman he met who had a little change in her pocket and who was easily persuaded . Persuaded to do what ? Well , just about anything under the sun . He wanted his women doing everything , from stealing and selling clothes and jewelry to being a part of the oldest profession . Yeah , you know what I mean , prostitution . My former fiancé was a pimp and proud of it . I admit that I tried things his way for a while , but I guess I didn 't have much street value , so he didn 't try to make me quit my day job to pursue full fledge tricking . I thanked my Heavenly Father for making me fat , and for giving me the strength to leave him before Darnell had starved me to death and forced me to be a full - time whore , whether I liked it or not . Darnell 's mother , Darlene , and I worked together . She and I had been pretty good friends when she introduced me to her son . The first time I talked to him on the phone , Darlene and Darnell had called me on 3 - way . Darnell and I exchanged addresses and promised to write each other at least once every couple of weeks . His first letter was accompanied by a package the size of a toothpaste box . I , being the type of person who loved receiving gifts , unwrapped the light blue package . When I opened what was indeed a toothpaste box , I found a dozen fake miniature roses of assorted colors . Then I opened the letter which said that the roses were better than real ones because they would last forever . I thought that was sweet gesture . As I held the letter , it dawned on me : I had agreed to date a convicted felon on his seventh year of a ten year bid . After about two weeks of talking on the phone and exchanging letters , I was ready to meet Darnell face to face . I knew who Darnell was soon as he walked into the visitation room . I recognized him from the pictures of him around Darlene 's house . The guy who reached to hug his mother was a lot thinner than I expected . I had figured all guys gained weight when they went to the pen from lifting weights all day . He had a big gold - tooth smile on his face when he looked at me . As Darnell wrapped his small , but muscular , arms around me , I resisted the urge to touch his shoulder length jheri curl . At that point , I hadn 't known what he had done to get himself locked up , but when I looked at the one inch , perfectly manicured nails and snakeskin cowboy boots , pimping came to mind . To make up for the fact that he couldn 't see me on an everyday basis , he was the first man to remember my birthday every year . I sent him money and accepted his calls three times a day . He had friends that would give me money for the phone bill when I needed help . He sent me cards and little notes every Valentine 's and Christmas . He even sent me a mother 's day card and signed it , " My children 's mother to be . " I got to know his entire family including three of his children and their mother . They all made me feel like part of the family . No matter how often my friends looked at me and told me that I should have known better than to get mixed up with a convict , I didn 't listen . I didn 't even tell my dad that Darnell was locked up , because he would have been the very worst critic of all ; not just because I was his daughter and he wanted the best for me , but because he had done a decade in prison himself . He knew that everybody didn 't learn from their mistakes . There were a few times when I said to myself , " This is stupid , " and I wouldn 't go see Darnell or put money on his book . When he would call , I would instruct my roommate , Lolita , to tell him I wasn 't there . I sometimes went out with other guys to try to forget about Darnell , but then he would call on one of his friends 3 - way and tell me how much he missed me and that he would be there when I got through running around with all those " nothing - ass niggahs " . During one of those breakups , Darnell met Roshelle Price through one of the other inmates . Roshelle was ten years older than Darnell , which made her fifteen years older than I . She made her money as a hooker and a clothes booster . Why couldn 't I have left him alone then ? Because she ended up going to a federal prison and I didn 't considered her empty promises as a threat to the plans Darnell and I had made together . I didn 't take me long to realize how persistent she was . Darnell was out a whole week before I knew it , and the $ 900 he asked me to send to him , before his release had already been blown . His second night home , he screwed some girl in my bed while I was at work . I knew this because I saw an open condom package under my pillow . I should have packed my bags then , but I just told him when we moved out of his mom 's house , that I wanted my own room . We stayed with Darlene a month before we found a house . A number of blog ideas were flowing through my head the last couple of days - getting to know new people , backtracking with an ex … Not so unusual for me , I decided to go in a totally different direction . This doggone government shutdown is weighing heavily on my mind . I 'm usually not a political minded person , but this stuff right here is getting on my nerves . I work for the part of the federal government that some people love and some hate - IRS - and as you know THE DAY is fast approaching . This year we have until April 18 to file and / or pay our taxes . As an employee , this date as well as the last day of this month , are crucial times for getting work completed . If we are shut down for a couple days to a couple of weeks , we may or may not get paid once the budget is passed . That 's what 's bothering me . I appreciate my good government job which is why I 've been there for 14 years . As crazy as things get around there , I would love to have a few days off but being off without pay is not something I look forward to . I was 19 years old and had no idea I 'd be working for the government back in 1995 and 1996 , the last time the government shut down . The politicians say that was the reason why former President Clinton was elected to a second term . I don 't know how that had anything to do with the cost of tea in China but instead of the senators fighting over whether the shutdown will benefit the Democrats or the Republicans they need to come to my service center and talk with the so - called non - essential people who don 't make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year . Then they would see that what 's important is the fact that we could miss one or more pay checks . Depending on a person 's financial situation , that could cause a major problem when it comes to paying the bills for however long we are off . The National Treasury Employees Union ( NTEU ) reps passed out fliers at work giving us information on how to send our congressional representatives a message : " Just say ' NO ' to a government shutdown and severe budget cuts . " I 'm not sure if this will have any effect on Congress 's or President Obama 's decision , but I would like to think that it would . When we didn 't get our yearly raise and were told that we probably wouldn 't get one for another two or three years , I just shrugged and said , " Oh well " . I couldn 't miss any money that I never had . But I go to work every working day other than three vacation weeks out of the year , so I expect to get my regular paycheck . When the Democrats and the Republicans finish playing this game of chicken , we 'll see if the government will be shut down Friday evening . If I get furloughed , can y ' all let a sister hold something ? LOL just kidding , I 'm good . That 's what you get for having a baby by a young , dumb , white girl , I wanted to say but I didn 't . I was his wife and wives were supposed to be supportive , no matter nuts their husbands were . The fact that she was white really wasn 't a big deal to me because dumb came in all colors . " Now when I sue you for full custody you 're gonna say that I 'm being low down . Whatever . Gennifer , just drop his ear medicine off at mom 's house and I 'll go get it . " I sure the hell didn 't . I almost got locked up fooling around with that broad . I told her I was there for him before she got there and that I 'll be there when she was gone , so she got hot . Hell , it was the truth . Jarvis and I had known each other since ninth grade . We weren 't high school sweethearts or anything but we were good friends . If we had not lost contact a little after graduation , she would have never gotten into the picture . When he first told me about Gennifer , I figured they would get married but she turned out to be too crazy for him to handle , so he had to cut her loose . Unfortunately , she was pregnant when he 'd called it quits . I told him to try to make it work with her but he didn 't want to , saying that he should have been with me in the first place . So there I was , Mrs . Jarvis Anderson , aka Boo Boo the Fool , trying to make the best of a very awkward situation . " Okay . I wish you wouldn 't let her upset you so much , " I said handing the baby to him . I went to the living room closet to get our jackets . I put on mine and took Phillip from Jarvis , giving him his jacket as well . Jarvis watched me as I got Phillip ready . " Are you trying to put the moves on my boy ? " I just giggled and hugged Phillip to me . I was glad Jarvis was back to his old self again . He and I hardly ever argued , so it was unusual for me to see his bottom lip poked out . It was too bad that our good moods didn 't last long . Gennifer 's car was still in Mrs . Phyllis 's driveway when we pulled in front of the house . It looked as if Gennifer was getting ready to back out , but I 'm sure she made it her business to be there when Jarvis got there on purpose , hoping to get a few moments with him , without me around . Oops , her bad . Jarvis blew the horn to get her attention before he got out the car . As he walked over to her car , I could tell that old girl was getting ready to chew Jarvis out . I hoped he would keep his composure . " What do you want ? And why doesn 't your wife have my baby in the child seat ? Is she trying to kill him or what ? " she yelled loud enough for me to have heard her in our backyard six blocks away . When Jarvis looked back to see if I heard her , he saw me getting out of the passenger seat , so I could put Phillip in the back . As soon as I sat him down , he began to whine . " He needs his medicine , " I yelled to them . I picked Phillip up and again and walked over to Gennifer as she got out of her car . When I put the baby in her arms , he began to cry louder . By the time Mrs . Phyllis had let me in the house , the baby was on the verge of bursting a blood vessel and his face was almost as red as a tomato . " What 's wrong with that child ? He looks like he 's fighting for his life . Look how he 's clawing at that gal 's face . " I picked up the medicine bottle from the coffee table and went to stand behind Mrs . Phyllis as she stood at the door looking out . We both giggled when Gennifer thrust Phillip into Jarvis 's arms . Phillip calmed down and looked over his little shoulder at his mother . His small hand went up to his earlobe and began twisting and turning it . I took that as my cue to return outside and rescue both of my men from that woman , before things got any worse . I would be a much better mother than you , I wanted to say , but one look at the expression on Jarvis 's face said not to even go there . I took Phillip to the car and fastened him in the car seat . I handed him his sippy cup from his bag . He looked out of the window and watched his parents as he drank his juice . It was a good thing he wasn 't old enough to feel embarrassed by his mother . I envied his innocence . It was Phillip 's third birthday . Mrs . Phyllis and I were out in her backyard putting balloons and streamers on the wooden privacy fence . We were waiting for Gennifer to bring Phillip over so we would have him ready before his little daycare friends arrived . She was late , as usual . Jarvis had not made it either , but he had called to say he would have to work a little later . The party was well underway , when I received a phone call that I felt would send me to my maker . The police told me that Jarvis had been dropping off one of his coworkers , when a motorcycle got into his lane , coming down the wrong side of the street . Jarvis dodged the guy but ran right into a large tree that pretty much totaled his truck . My sweetie was unconscious . Once I had gotten myself together and sent everyone home , Gennifer and I got into the car . We rode in silence except for her crying . Mrs . Phyllis stayed at the house with Phillip . I drove because I was the more coherent one . I felt as if I had drunk a bottle of Novocain that made my whole body numb . I wanted to smack Gennifer , and put her out of the car , for all of her melodramatics , but I controlled the urge . I did feel sorry for her because she was alone , except for Phillip . I didn 't know much about her , but I did know that her attitude had a lot to do with her relationship status . The doctor didn 't want me to see Jarvis at first but when I got through cutting up sideways , they let me in . They wouldn 't let Gennifer come . I don 't think she would have been able to see him like that anyway . I nearly stopped breathing when I laid eye on him . One of his legs was up in a sling and his handsome brown face was covered with cuts and bruises . I dropped to my knees , and prayed until the nurse came to tell me it was time to go . When I explained Jarvis 's condition to Gennifer she cried twice as much as she had earlier . " What are Phillip and I going to do if something happens to Jarvis ? I can 't take care of him by myself . I know I give him a hard time about everything , but I still care about him . " " Gennifer , " I said putting my hand on her shoulder . She looked up at me . " No matter what happens , and Lord knows I hope he 'll be all right , but if something does happen to Jarvis , I 'll always be there for you and Phillip . " " No buts . When I married Jarvis , you and that little boy became my family too . I could never turn my back on you , no matter how crazy your ass is . " That girl was speechless for the first time since I 'd known her and it made me smile through the tears in my eyes . We sat there and held each other for a long time . I felt all of the animosity that had been between us melting away . Jarvis came out of his coma after a week and a half . When Gennifer and I went to pick him up , he did a double take . " What 's the business ? Y ' all must have gone crazy while I was half dead . " Who knew that Gennifer and I would have become friends ? She had hated me since day one . I really thought she would revert back to her old ways after a while , but she didn 't . I guess she finally understood that there was no reason for us to have any animosity against each other because Phillip was the most important person in all of our lives and that it was important for us to get along , for his sake . I discovered Marian Schembari through a YouTube interview done with her by Joanna Penn . After watching Marian 's videos and reading a few of her blog posts , I got to thinking about how my Twitter account looks to people . I 'm interested in a lot of things and sometimes I wonder if I turn folks off by tweeting about so many different subjects . Can any of you , or maybe Marian herself , let me know if I 'm harming my potential readership by being all over the place with my tweets ? In addition , my blog posts fall along the same lines . One day I 'm writing about a relationship and the next day I 'm writing about my decision to embrace the natural texture of my hair . I am a mother first and foremost . I 've held this title for nearly four years and I 'm still learning how to be a good mother . By no means am I perfect , but I 'm doing the best I know how and I hope my son appreciates it when he gets older . I talk about some of the outings we go on and some of the funny things he says in the course of a day . At times I even ask for advice concerning my child 's education or why he may be behaving in a certain way . Writing was a part of my life long before I became a mother . I write poetry , short stories , unfinished novels and of course blog posts . My desire to be a professional writer is the number one reason why I joined Twitter in the first place . I have met writers at various levels . From professionals to aspiring , from traditional published to self - published , from fiction to non - fiction and everything else in between . No matter what level the writer is on , I learn something from all of them on a regular basis through their blogs , YouTube videos and conversations with them on Twitter . Before I was a writer , I was a reader . Reading was my first love ( Some of the stuff I read as a youngster led to my first love with a boy but that 's another story . ) Many times I tweet links to blog posts that I find interesting or about a book or ebook that I 'm reading or have read and enjoyed . Things are always popping into my head , even in the middle of the night . Sometimes it 's a story idea or a lyric from a song that I can 't get out of my head . Sometimes I tweet these lyrics and sometimes I post a link to the video on YouTube . When something ways heavy on my mind , I write a blog post about it and link to it . ( Which is what I 'm going to do with this post ) . I didn 't even know there was a such thing as a natural hair community until I got on Twitter . I had been toying with the notion of growing my relaxer out but I really didn 't think much of it until I ran across a couple of tweets with the hashtag # naturalhair . When I clicked on it I saw a legion of nappy headed , curly haired , kinky haired African American women that had cut all of their hair off or were in the process of growing the chemically treated hair out and trimming it a little at a time . From joining and participating in this community , I have learned so much about my own hair . Sometimes , when the mood hits me , I even create and then link to my own YouTube videos . Most of the poems and stories I 've written over the years have dealt with relationships . Some of the relationships were really good and some were so bad that a person was on the verge of going to jail before they took anymore abuse from the other person . ( Been there , almost did that . ) Sometimes I pose questions to tweeps requesting their opinion on something I had been thinking about and that I plan to write about . Even though my son is the only family that actually lives in my household , I see my dad almost daily and my baby sister once a week . I encounter other members of my family a couple times a year . Sometimes it 's pleasant sometimes I vow not to see them for maybe two to three years the next go around . A lot of times I respond to family related tweets because I have been through or personally know of examples of similar situations . Last but definitely not least , I am addicted to social media . From Twitter to Facebook to YouTube and all of the blogs I can stand to read . Social media feeds my all of the previously mentioned items . If there is something going on in my life that I can 't explain , I Google it and get all kinds of answers as to why it happened and how it can be prevented from happening in the future . My dad thinks the internet is the devil but maybe if I told him I learned how to deal with his crazy antics from some of the things I read on the internet , he would sing a different tune . Well this is my spiel for today . Let me know if you think that I should narrow my range of subjects , if I should only tweet or blog about one thing or if you love my flighty - ness and think I 'm the best thing since sliced bread was invented . Please don 't lie to me . Seeing the assault , a man in another unit went to the conference room , where the managers were having a meeting . He told them what had happened and Mrs . Dandridge followed him back to the area . It took her and five other people to pull Precious , kicking and cursing , away from Brian 's balled up body . Tears covered her face and blood ran from the broken skin on her fists . She continued to yell obscenities as they led her to Mr . Bentley 's office . The company nurse came to get Brian . Some managers helped him into the wheelchair she had brought . As the nurse pushed Brian to her station , anyone who hadn 't witnessed the fight could clearly see the deep fingernail scratches covering his neck and face . They snickered and pointed at the patches missing from his already thinning gray hair . After being released from the hospital , Brian was told to stay home from work for at least a month . Brian had never been off of work for such a length of time but knew he needed to be . Crazy woman . If I were twenty years younger , I would 've shown that little bitch a thing or two . " I 'm going to ignore that because I know you don 't know any better . I took off of work for a while , told them that my deadbeat husband needed me . I 'll be there in half an hour . I have to pick up my rental . " " I doesn 't matter what you want . If I don 't help you , it will be on my conscious for eternity . And I try to think about you as least as possible . See ya in a few , " Sarah said , hanging up not bothering to wait for a response . Brian and his wife had been separated longer than they had been together . When he had returned home after the army kicked him out , his wife followed suit . Sarah was pregnant at the time , which should have been impossible due to the fact that Brian had been gone for a year . In a way , he had been ecstatic to be rid of her , but every now and then he wished he could have made things better between them . Brian hadn 't been in a serious relationship since Sarah . He had dated a few women here and there but soon grew tired of them . It was never the same as being with sweet Sarah , so he resolved to stop trying to replace her . He got lonely for a woman at times , but it was nothing a bottle of Jack Daniels and a little Vaseline or baby oil couldn 't cure . When he built his strength up , Brian crept downstairs to unlock the door so it would be open when Sarah got there . He was sitting in his recliner , in front of the living room television , when his estranged wife arrived , looking even more beautiful than Brian had remembered . Florida had been good to her . Brian tried to suppress his excitement at her being there , but when she began to speak , there was nothing to mask anymore . " Brian , when are you going to learn that you are the minority at Internal Revenue Service ? That place is ninety percent women , seventy percent black women , what were you thinking ? Don 't answer that , I forgot that thinking was never your forte . " " Brian , I 'm just trying to help you understand that you can 't keep doing people the way you do . What if that young woman had her boyfriend or brother kick your behind instead of doing it herself ? You could have been killed instead of just knocked around a little bit . " " Knocked around ? She did try to kill me with those witch boots of hers . You can see the imprints of them up and down my leg and thigh , " Brian whined , pulling up his pant leg . Sarah just shook her head and walked into the small kitchen . Brian could hear her running water in the sink preparing to clean the dishes he had left on the table since breakfast . Thanks , babe , he thought , smiling to himself . For the rest of Sarah 's stay , she and Brian got along quite well . He even began to entertain thoughts of reconciling with Sarah . He revealed his thoughts to her the day she was suppose to return to Florida . Brian returned to work the Monday after Sarah left . He hadn 't liked many of the things she said to him but he knew that she had been right . He also knew that he had been mostly to blame for their problems and subsequent separation . That meant he had a lot of changes to make , as far as his attitude , if he really wanted to win Sarah back . Brian also came to the realization that there would always be things he would dislike about the way things were done at his job . He wouldn 't be forced to just sit back and deal with it but he would have to go through the proper channels to get things resolved instead of being rude to his co - workers … in his new unit . This nearly brought tears to my eyes . Can you guys please help a sister out ? I got the Mirena about 4 years ago after having my son . Si . . . |
Fatty loved to eat . Yes he loved eating better than anything else in the world . hat was what made him so fat . nd that , too , was what led him into many adventures . Close by a swamp , which lay down in the valley , between Blue Mountain and Swift River , Fatty Coon lived with his mother and his brother and his two sisters . Among them all there was what grown people call a strong family resemblance , which is the same thing as saying that they all looked very much alike . T e tail of each one of them mother and children too had six black rings around it . Eac of them had a dark brown patch of fur across the face , like a mask . And what do you think ? each of them , even Fatty and his brother and his sisters , had a stiff , white moustache ! 0 - 005 Blackie was Fatty s brother for the mask on his face was just a little darker than the others . Fl ffy was one of Fatty s sisters , because her fur was just a little fluffier than the other children s . And utey was the other sister s name , because she was so quaint . Now , Fatty Coon was forever looking around for something to eat . He was never satisfied with what his mother brought home for him . No matter how big a dinner Mrs . Coon set before her family , as soon as he had finished eating his share Fatty would wipe his white moustache carefully for all the world like some old gentleman and hurry off in search of something more . Sometimes he went to the edge of the brook and tried to catch fish by hooking them out of the water with his sharp claws . Sometimes he went over to the swamp and hunted for duck among the tall reeds . And though he did not yet know how to catch a duck , he could always capture a frog or two ; and Fatty ate them as if he hadn t had a mouthful of food for days . To tell the truth , Fatty would eat almost anything he could get nuts , cherries , wild grapes , blackberries , bugs , small snakes , fish , chickens , honey there was no end to the different kinds of food he liked . H ate everything . A d he always wanted more . Is this all there is ? F tty Coon asked his mother one day . H had gobbled up every bit of the nice fish that Mrs . Coon had brought home for him . I was gone in no time at all . When Fatty Coon started off alone to find something more to eat , after finishing the fish that his mother had brought home for him , he did not know that he was going to have an adventure . He nosed about among the bushes and the tall grasses and caught a few bugs and a frog or two . But he didn t think that THAT was much . e didn t seem to have much luck , down on the ground . S he climbed a tall hemlock , to see if he could find a squirrel s nest , or some bird s eggs . " Fatty loved to climb trees . Up in the big hemlock he forgot , for a time , that he was still hungry . It was delightful to feel the branches swaying under him , and the bright sunshine was warm upon his back . He climbed almost to the very tip - top of the tree and wound himself around the straight stem . The thick , springy branches held him safely , and soon Fatty was fast asleep . Next to eating , Fatty loved sleeping . And now he had a good nap . Fatty Coon woke up at last , yawned , and slowly unwound himself from the stem of the tree . He was terribly hungry now . And he felt that he simply MUST find something to eat at once . Without going down to the ground , Fatty climbed over into the top of another big tree and his little beady , bright eyes began searching all the branches carefully . Pretty soon Fatty smiled . He smiled because he was pleased . And he was pleased because he saw exactly what he had been looking for . Not far below him was a big nest , built of sticks and lined with bark and moss . It was a crow s nest , Fatty decided , and he lost no time in slipping down to the crotch of the tree where the nest was perched . There were four white eggs in the nest the biggest crow s eggs Fatty had ever seen . A d he began to eat them hungrily . H s nose became smeared with egg , but he didn t mind that at all . He kept thinking how good the eggs tasted and how he wished there were more of them . There was a sudden rush through the branches of the tall tree . And Fatty Coon caught a hard blow on his head . He felt something sharp sink into his back , too . And he clutched at the edge of the nest to keep from falling . Fatty was surprised , to say the least , for he had never known crows to fight like that . And he was frightened , because his back hurt . He couldn t fight , because he was afraid he would fall if he let go of the nest . There was nothing to do but run home as fast as he could . Fatty tried to hurry ; but there was that bird , beating and clawing his back , and pulling him first one way and then another . He began to think he would never reach home . But at last he came to the old poplar where his mother lived . And soon , to his great joy , he reached the hole in the big branch ; and you may well believe that Fatty was glad to slip down into the darkness where his mother , and his brother Blackie , and Fluffy and Cutey his sisters , were all fast asleep . He was glad , because he knew that no crow could follow him down there . Ah , ha ! M s . Coon said . Don t you remember that crows eggs are a blueish green ? That must have been a goshawk s nest . And a goshawk is the fiercest of all the hawks there are . It s no wonder your back is clawed . Come h re and let me look at it . eHV @ Fatty Coon felt quite proud , as his mother examined the marks of the goshawk s cruel claws . nd he didn t feel half as sorry for himself as you might think , for he remembered how good the eggs had tasted . H only wished there had been a dozen of them . n After his adventure with the goshawk Fatty Coon did not go near the tree - tops for a long time . Whenever he left home he would crawl down the old poplar tree in which he lived ; and he wouldn t climb a single tree until he came home again . omehow , he felt safer on the ground . ou see , he hadn t forgotten the fright he had had , nor how the goshawk s claws had hurt his back . f It was just three days after his scare , to be exact , when Fatty Coon found himself on the bank of the creek which flowed slowly into Swift River . Fatty had been looking for frogs , but he had had no luck at all . To tell the truth , Fatty was a little too young to catch frogs easily , even when he found one ; and he was a good deal too fat , for he was so plump that he was not very spry . Now , Fatty was hiding behind some tall rushes , and his sharp little eyes were looking all about him , and his nose was twitching as he sniffed the air . He wished he might find a frog . But not one frog appeared . Fatty began to think that some other coon must have visited the creek just before him and caught them all . And then he forgot all about frogs . Yes ! Frogs passed completely out of Fatty Coon s mind . or whom should he spy but Mrs . Turtle ! e saw her little black head first , bobbing along through the water of the creek . he was swimming toward the bank where Fatty was hidden . nd pretty soon she pulled herself out of the water and waddled a short distance along the sand at the edge of the creek . Mrs . Turtle stopped then ; and for a few minutes she was very busy about something . First she dug a hole in the sand . And Fatty wondered what she was looking for . But he kept very quiet . And after a time Mrs . Turtle splashed into the creek again and paddled away . But before she left she scooped sand into the hole she had dug . Before she left the place she looked all around , as if to make sure that no one had seen her . And as she waddled slowly to the water Fatty could see that she was smiling as if she was very well pleased about something . She seemed to have a secret . Fatty Coon had grown very curious , as he watched Mrs . Turtle . And just as soon as she was out of sight he came out from his hiding place in the tall reeds and trotted down to the edge of the creek . He went straight to the spot where Mrs . Turtle had dug the hole and filled it up again . And Fatty was so eager to know what she had been doing that he began to dig in the very spot where Mrs . Turtle had dug before him . It took Fatty Coon only about six seconds to discover Mrs . Turtle s secret . or he did not have to paw away much of the sand before he came upon what do you suppose ? E gs ! T rtles eggs ! Tw nty - seven round , white eggs , which Mrs . Turtle had left there in the warm sand to hatch . TH T was why she looked all around to make sure that no one saw her . TH T was why she seemed so pleased . Fo Mrs . Turtle fully expected that after a time twenty - seven little turtles would hatch from those eggs just as chickens do and dig their way out of the sand . But it never happened that way at all . For as soon as he got over his surprise at seeing them , Fatty Coon began at once to eat those twenty - seven eggs . They were delicious . And as he finished the last one he couldn t help thinking how lucky he had been . Fatty Coon was very fond of squirrels . And you may think it strange when I tell you that not one of the squirrels anywhere around Blue Mountain was the least bit fond of Fatty Coon . But when I say that Fatty Coon was fond of squirrels , I mean that he liked to eat them . So of course you will understand now why the squirrels did not care for Fatty at all . In fact , they usually kept just as far away from him as they could . It was easy , in the daytime , for the squirrels to keep out of Fatty s way , when he wandered through the tree - tops , for the squirrels were much sprier than Fatty . ut at night ah ! that was a very different matter . F r Fatty Coon s eyes were even sharper in the dark than they were in the daylight ; but the poor squirrels were just as blind as you are when you are safely tucked in bed and the light is put out . r ! Fatty thought it great sport to hunt squirrels at night . Whenever he tried it he usually managed to get a good meal . And after he had almost forgotten about the fright the goshawk had given him in the tall hemlock he began to roam through the tree - tops every night in search of squirrels and sleeping birds . But a night came at last when Fatty was well punished for hunting squirrels . He had climbed half - way to the top of a big chestnut tree , when he spied a hole in the trunk . He rather thought that some squirrels lived inside that hole . And as he listened for a few seconds he could hear something moving about inside . Yes ! Fatty was sure that there was a squirrel in there probably several squirrels . Fatty Coon s eyes turned green . t was a way they had , whenever he was about to eat anything , or whenever he played with his brother Blackie , or Fluffy and Cutey , his sisters ; or whenever he was frightened . nd now Fatty was so sure that he was going to have a fine lunch that his eyes turned as green as a cat s . H reached a paw inside the hole and felt all around . WOW ! Fatty gave a cry ; and he pulled his paw out much faster than he had put it in . Something had given him a cruel dig . And in a jiffy Fatty saw what that something was . I was a grumpy old tramp coon , whom Fatty had never seen before . ; Ho , ho ! hat s a good one ! T at s a good joke ! The tramp coon laughed heartily . And then he scowled so fiercely that poor Fatty nearly tumbled out of the tree . Y u go home , he said to Fatty . And don t you let me catch you around here again . You hea ? > Yes , sir ! F tty said . A d home he went . A d you may be sure that he let THAT tree alone after that . H never went near it again . One day Fatty Coon was strolling along the brook which flowed not far from his home . He stopped now and then , to crouch close to the water s edge , in the hope of catching a fish . nd one time , when he lay quite still among the rocks , at the side of a deep pool , with his eyes searching the clear water , Fatty Coon suddenly saw something bright , all yellow and red , that lighted on the water right before him . t was a bug , or a huge fly . nd Fatty was very fond of bugs to eat , you know . S he lost no time . T e bright thing had scarcely settled on the water when Fatty reached out and seized it . H put it into his mouth , when the strangest thing happened . F tty felt himself pulled right over into the water . { He was surprised , for he never knew a bug or a fly to be so strong as that . Something pricked his cheek and Fatty thought that the bright thing had stung him . He tried to take it out of his mouth , and he was surprised again . Whatever the thing was , it seemed to be stuck fast in his mouth . And all the time Fatty was being dragged along through the water . He began to be frightened . And for the first time he noticed that there was a slender line which stretched from his mouth straight across the pool . As he looked along the line Fatty saw a man at the other end of it a man , standing on the other side of the brook ! nd he was pulling Fatty toward him as fast as he could . Do you wonder that Fatty Coon was frightened ? He jumped back as well as he could , in the water and tried to swim away . H s mouth hurt ; but he plunged and pulled just the same , and jerked his head and squirmed and wriggled and twisted . A d just as Fatty had almost given up hope of getting free , the gay - colored bug , or fly , or whatever it was , flew out of his mouth and took the line with it . A least , that was what Fatty Coon thought . A d he swam quickly to the bank and scampered into the bushes . Now , this was what really happened . Farmer Green had come up the brook to catch trout . On the end of his fish - line he had tied a make - believe fly , with a hook hidden under its red and yellow wings . He had stolen along the brook very quietly , so that he wouldn t frighten the fish . nd he had made so little noise that Fatty Coon never heard him at all . armer Green had not seen Fatty , crouched as he was among the stones . nd when Fatty reached out and grabbed the make - believe fly Farmer Green was even more surprised at what happened than Fatty himself . f the fish - hook hadn t worked loose from Fatty s mouth Farmer Green would have caught the queerest fish anybody ever caught , almost . Something seemed to amuse Farmer Green , as he watched Fatty dive into the bushes ; and he laughed loud and long . But Fatty Coon didn t laugh at all . is mouth was too sore ; and he was too frightened . ut he was very , very glad that the strange bug had flown away . Fatty was greatly excited . His little bright eyes turned green in the moonlight . He wondered what the surprise would be . And , as usual , he was very hungry . He walked close beside his mother , for he wanted to be the first to taste the surprise . You would think that he would have wanted his two sisters to taste it first , and his brother Blackie , too . But you must not forget that Fatty was greedy . And greedy people are not thoughtful of others . Fatty looked about him . They stood in a field grown high with tall stalks of some sort , which turned to green , ribbon - like leaves half way up from the ground . Fatty grunted . He was very impolite , you see . Well what is there to eat that s so fine ? he asked . T is stuff isn t good . It s like eating reeds . He had lready bitten into one of the stalks . P P What do you call that ? M s . Coon asked . S e showed Fatty a long roll of green that grew out of one of the stalks . p He did , did he ? M s . Coon said nothing more . S e stood up on her hind legs and pulled one of the tall stalks down until she could reach that long , green thing that grew there . I a jiffy she had torn it from its stalk . A d then she stripped the green covering off it . Try that ! said Mrs . Coon with a smile . hHV Of course it was Fatty who tasted it first . He took a good mouthful of the white kernels , and he was overjoyed . Such sweetness ! Such delicious , milky juice ! It was a moment that Fatty never forgot . It made Fatty Coon feel sad , just to think that there was that field full of corn , and that he could never eat all of it . But Fatty made up his mind that he would do the best he could . He would visit the cornfield every night and feast on those sweet , tender kernels . The very next night Fatty set out toward Farmer Green s . t was hardly dark . ut Fatty could not wait any longer . e could not even wait for his mother and his sisters and his brother . e hurried away alone . nd when he came in sight of the cornfield he felt better . e had been the least bit afraid that the corn might be gone . e thought that maybe Farmer Green had picked it , or that some of the forest people had eaten it all . ut there it was a forest of corn , waving and rustling in the moonlight as the breeze touched it . F tty felt very happy as he slipped through the rail - fence . n I wouldn t dare say how many ears of corn Fatty ate that night . nd he would have eaten more , too , if it hadn t been for just one thing . A dog barked . A d that spoiled Fatty s fun . Fo the dog was altogether too near for Fatty to feel safe . He even dropped the ear of corn he was gnawing and hurried toward the woods . i It was lucky for Fatty that he started when he did . For that dog was close behind him in no time . There was only one thing to do : Fatty knew that he must climb a tree at once . So he made for the nearest tree in sight a big , spreading oak , which stood all alone just beyond the fence . nd as Fatty crouched on a limb he felt safe enough , though the dog barked and whined , and leaped against the tree , and made a great fuss . Fatty looked down at the dog and scolded a little . He was not afraid . But it made him cross to be driven out of the cornfield . And he wished the dog would go away . But the dog it was Farmer Green s Spot the dog had no idea of leaving . He stayed right there and barked so loudly that it was not long before Farmer Green and his hired man came in sight . An with them was Johnnie Green and a little , young dog that had just been given to him . _ When Farmer Green saw Fatty he seemed disappointed . He s too young to bother with , he said . is skin s not worth much . We l go long and see what we can find . HV pc But Johnnie Green stayed behind . He wanted that young coon . And he intended to have him , too . Leaving the young dog to watch Fatty Coon , Johnnie went back to the farmhouse . After a while he appeared again with an axe over his shoulder . And when he began to chop away at the big oak , Fatty Coon felt very uneasy . Whenever Johnnie drove his axe into the tree , both the tree and Fatty shivered together . And Fatty began to wish he had stayed away from the cornfield . But not for long , because Johnnie Green soon gave up the idea of chopping down the big oak . The wood was so hard to cut , and the tree was so big , that Johnnie had not chopped long before he saw that it would take him all night to cut through it . He looked up longingly at Fatty Coon . And Johnnie started to climb the tree himself . But the higher he climbed , the higher Fatty climbed . And Johnnie knew that he could never catch that plump young coon in that way . At last Johnnie Green started off , calling his dog after him . And then Fatty Coon came down . But he did not go back to the cornfield . He decided that he had had adventures enough for one night . But Fatty had learned something at least he thought he had . or he made up his mind that once he climbed a tree , no man could reach him . REES COULD NOT BE CHOPPED DOWN ! hat was what Fatty believed . erhaps you will know , later , whether Fatty ever found out that he was mistaken . It was the very next night after old dog Spot had treed Fatty Coon in the big oak near the cornfield . They had finished their evening meal at Farmer Green s house . he cows were milked , the horses had been fed , the chickens had all gone to roost . nd Farmer Green looked up at the moon , rising from behind Blue Mountain . We ll go coon - hunting again to - night , he said to Johnnie and the hired man . he corn has brought the coons up from the swamp . We ll start as soon as it grows a little darker . Well after a while they set out for the cornfield . nd sure enough ! old Spot soon began to bark . He s treed ! said Farmer Green , pretty soon . And they all hurried over to the edge of the woods , where Spot had chased a coon up into a tall chestnut tree . In he moonlight they could see the coon quite plainly . A other little feller ! cried Farmer Green . I d clare , all the coons that come to the cornfield seem to be young ones . This o e s no bigger than the one we saw last night . p ; ৷aHV Now , although Farmer Green never guessed it , it was Fatty Coon who was up there in the tall chestnut . He had run almost to the woods this time , before he had to take to a tree . In fact , if Spot hadn t been quite so close to him Fatty could have reached the woods , and then he would have just jumped from one tree to another . ut there were no trees near enough the big chestnut for that . atty had to stay right there and wait for those men to pass on . e wasn t afraid . H felt perfectly safe in his big tree . A d he only smiled when Johnnie Green said to his father All right ! he said at last . I ll give you one more chance , Johnnie . But you ll have to see that this young coon doesn t kill any of my poultry . : How the chips did fly ! At the very first blow Fatty knew that this was an entirely different sort of chopping from that which Johnnie had attempted the night before . The great tree shook as if it knew that it would soon come crashing down upon the ground . And as for Fatty Coon , he could not see but that he must fall when the tree did . He , too , shivered and shook . And he wrapped himself all the way around a limb and hung on as tight as ever he could . Now , Farmer Green and his hired man had not chopped long before they stopped to breathe . They had not chopped long but oh ! what great , yawning holes they had made in the big chestnut ! rom the limb where he clung Fatty Coon looked down . he tree no longer shook . nd Fatty felt better at once . ou see , he thought that the men would go away , just as Johnnie had gone away the night before . ut they had no such idea at all . Now , if Fatty Coon was frightened before , you will believe that he was still more frightened when the big chestnut tree began to sag . Yes ! it began to lean toward the woods . Slowly , slowly it tipped . And Fatty was scared half out of his mind . He climbed to the very top of the tree , because he wanted to get just as far away from those men as he could . And there he waited . There was nothing else he could do . Yes ! he waited until that awful moment should come when the tree would go crashing down upon the ground . What was going to happen to him then ? Fatty wondered . And while he was wondering there sounded all at once a great snapping and splitting . And Fatty felt the tree falling , falling . He could hear Johnnie Green shouting . And he shut his eyes and held fast to his branch . Then came the crash . When Fatty Coon opened his eyes he expected to see Johnnie Green all ready to seize him . But to his great surprise he was still far above the ground . You see , Farmer Green had been mistaken . Either the big chestnut tree was taller than he had guessed , or the woods were nearer than he had thought . For instead of dropping upon the ground , Fatty s tree had fallen right against another tree on the edge of the woods . nd there it lay , half - tipped over , with its branches caught fast in the branches of that other tree . It was no wonder that Johnnie Green shouted . And he shouted still more loudly when he saw Fatty scramble out of the big chestnut and into the other tree , and out of that tree and into another , and then out of THAT tree . Fatty was going straight into the woods . It was no wonder that Johnnie Green shouted . For he had lost his pet coon . He had lost him before he ever had him . And he was sadly disappointed . One night Fatty Coon was strolling along the road that wound through the valley . He was in no hurry , for he had just left Farmer Green s apple orchard , where he had bolted all the apples he could possibly eat . he night was dark and though it was not very late , all the country people seemed to be in bed . here were no farmers driving along the road . atty had it all to himself . nd so he walked slowly homewards . t was then that the terrible monster almost caught him . This is how it all happened . There was a br - br - br - r - r - r in the air . Fatty really should have heard it long before he did . But he had eaten so many apples that he had begun to feel sleepy ; and his ears were not so sharp as they should have been . And when at last Fatty heard that br - r - r - r it was quite loud . He was startled . And he stopped right in the middle of the road to listen . Fatty had never heard such a sound before . The strange animal was on him before he knew it . Its glaring eyes blinded him . And if it had not screamed at him Fatty would never have escaped . It was the terrible screech of the monster which finally made Fatty jump . It was a frightful cry like six wildcats all wailing together . nd Fatty leaped to one side of the road just before the monster reached him . The great creature went past Fatty like the wind and tore on up the hill . He seemed to be running so fast that he could not stop . Fatty could hear him panting as he climbed the sharp rise of the road . Where s the nearest village , please ? the stranger asked . An after Farmer Green had told him the man drove his car on again . Fr m their tree - top Fatty and his mother watched the monster dash down the valley . Th y knew he had gone , because they could see the gleam of those awful eyes . nf The hunting was not very good . There were no birds eggs at all to be found in the trees . he river and the brook and the creek were all frozen over , so Fatty and his mother could not catch any fish . nd as for corn Farmer Green had long ago gathered the last ear of it . F tty wished that it was summertime . B t it only made him hungrier than ever , to think of all the good things to eat that summer brings . H was feeling very unhappy when his mother said to him sharply HV It was Johnnie Green ! He passed right underneath the tree where they were perched . And as Mrs . Coon peeped down at him she shuddered and shivered and shook so hard that Fatty couldn t help noticing it . His cap ! M s . Coon exclaimed . He is wearing a coon - skin cap ! Now do you wonder that she was upset ? D n t ever go near Farmer Green s house , she warned Fatty . You d n t want to be made into a cap , or a pair of gloves , or a coat , or anything like that , do you ? No , indeed , Mother ! F tty was quite sure that such an adventure wouldn t please him at all . An he told himself right then and there that he would never go anywhere near Farmer Green s house . We hall see how well Fatty remembered . That very afternoon Fatty Coon heard some very pleasant news . It was Jasper Jay who told him . Jasper Jay was a very noisy blue jay who lived in the neighborhood . He did not go south with most of the other birds when the cold weather came . He liked the winter and he was forever tearing about the woods , squalling and scolding at everybody . He was a very noisy fellow . Well ! when Fatty and his mother had reached home after their hunt , Fatty stayed out of doors . He climbed to the top of a tall pine tree nearby and stretched himself along a limb , to enjoy the sunshine , which felt very good upon his broad back . It was there that Jasper Jay found him and told him the pleasant news . And Fatty was very glad to hear the news , because he was still hungry . When Jasper Jay told Fatty Coon about Farmer Green s forty fat turkeys Fatty felt hungrier than ever . Oh ! I mustn t go near Farmer Green s house ! he said . My mother told me to keep away from there . . . . What ime did you say the turkeys go to roost ? RHV Oh ! they go to roost every night at sundown , Jasper Jay explained . And there they sit , up in the tree , all night long . Th y re fast asleep . And you would have no trouble at all in catching as many as you wanted . . . . But of course , if you re afraid why there s no use of MY talking about it . There s a plenty of other coons in these woods who d be glad to know about those turkeys . And mayb they d have the manners to say Thank you ! too . And with a h arse , sneering laugh Jasper Jay flew away . ^ Q [ K That was enough for Fatty . He made up his mind that he would show Jasper Jay that HE was not afraid . And he wanted a turkey to eat , too . He said nothing to his mother about Jasper s news . ut that very night , when the moon came up , and the lights in Farmer Green s house were all out , Fatty Coon went stealing across the fields . W When Fatty Coon came to Farmer Green s yard he had no trouble at all in finding the spreading oak . e could see the turkeys plainly where they dozed on the bare branches . nd in less time than it takes to tell it Fatty had climbed the tree . n the very lowest limb there was a row of four plump turkeys , all sound asleep . nd Fatty reached out and seized the nearest one . e seized the turkey by the neck , so that the big bird could not call out . ut Fatty was not quite quick enough . efore he could pull her off her perch the turkey began to flap her wings , and she struck the turkey next her , so that THAT turkey woke up and began to gobble and flap HER wings . hen the next turkey on the limb woke up . nd the first thing that Fatty Coon knew , every one of the thirty - nine turkeys that were left was going gobble - gob - gob - gob - gobble ! nd some of them went sailing off across the yard . ne of them lighted on top of the porch just outside Farmer Green s window and it seemed to Fatty that that one made the greatest racket of all . Farmer Green s window flew up ; and Farmer Green s voice called Spot ! Sp t ! Fat y Coon did not wait to hear anything more . He ropped the turkey he had seized and slipped down to the ground . And then he ran toward the woods as fast as he could go . 8 ; Farmer Green s dog Spot was barking now . nd Fatty wanted to climb one of the trees by the roadside . ut he remembered , the narrow escape he had had when the dog had treed him near the cornfield . o he never stopped until he reached the woods . hen he went nimbly up into the trees . nd while Spot was barking at the foot of the first tree he climbed , Fatty was travelling through the tree - tops toward home . Ha ! ha ! J sper Jay only laughed . A d he did not seem at all surprised that Fatty had fallen into trouble . T tell the truth , he was only sorry because Fatty had escaped . J sper Jay did not like Fatty Coon . A d he had told him about the forty fat turkeys because he hoped that Fatty would get caught if he tried to steal one of them . a For once Fatty Coon was not hungry . He had eaten so much of Farmer Green s corn that he felt as if he could not swallow another mouthful . e was strolling homewards through the woods when someone called to him . t was Jimmy Rabbit . All right ! said Fatty . I was not often that any of the smaller forest - people were willing to play with him , because generally Fatty couldn t help getting hungry and then he usually tried to eat his playmates . hat do you need me for ? Fatt asked , as he trudged along beside Jimmy Rabbit . cHV We need you for the barber s pole , Jimmy explained . ou can come inside the hollow tree and stick your tail out through a hole . It ill make a fine barber s pole though the stripes DO run the wrong way , to be sure . aHV Um yes ! Ji my Rabbit replied , though I must say it isn t one that I would care for myself But come along ! Ther may be people waiting to get their hair cut . jH Oh , that depends ! J mmy Rabbit said . Mr . Squirrel will pay us six cabbage leaves . Bu if we were to cut your hair we d have to ask more . We d want a dozen cabbage leaves , at least . Well , don t I get anything for the use of my tail ? Fa ty asked . He had already stuck it out through the hole ; and he had half a mind to pull it in again . I ll tell you what we ll do , Jimmy said . I you ll let us use your tail for the barber s pole , we ll cut your hair free . Isn t hat fair enough ? m PHV With that Jimmy Rabbit began . He clipped and snipped at Fatty s head , pausing now and then to see the effect . e smiled once in a while , behind Fatty s back , because Fatty certainly did look funny with his fur all ragged and uneven . Certainly of course ! Fa ty Coon answered . An pretty soon Fatty s long white moustache lay on the floor of the barber - shop . Fat y felt a bit uneasy as he looked down and saw his beautiful moustache lying at his feet . Y u haven t cut it too short , I hope , he said . It s the latest style , Mother , Fatty told her . t least , that s what Jimmy Rabbit says . He fe t the least bit uneasy again . Well ! you ARE a sight ! she exclaimed . It will be months before you look like my child again . I hall be ashamed to go anywhere with you . x d Fatty Coon felt very foolish . And there was just one thing that kept him from crying . And THAT was THIS : he made up his mind that when he played barber - shop with Jimmy Rabbit again he would get even with him . But when the next day came , Fatty couldn t find Jimmy Rabbit and his brother anywhere . hey kept out of sight . ut they had told all the other forest - people about the trick they had played on Fatty Coon . nd everywhere Fatty went he heard nothing but hoots and jeers and laughs . e felt very silly . nd he wished that he might meet Jimmy Rabbit and his brother . Although Fatty Coon never could get Jimmy Rabbit and his brother to play barber - shop with him again , Fatty saw no reason why he should not play the game without them . So one day he led his brother Blackie over to the old hollow sycamore . His sisters , Fluffy and Cutey , wanted to go too . But Fatty would not let them . Girls can t be barbers , he said . An of course they could find no answer to that . As soon as Fatty and Blackie reached the old sycamore I am sorry to say that a dispute arose . Each of them wanted to use his own tail for the barber s pole . hey couldn t both stick their tails through the hole in the tree at the same time . S they finally agreed to take turns . f Playing barber - shop wasn t so much fun as they had expected , because nobody would come near to get his hair cut . ou see , the smaller forest - people were all afraid to go inside that old sycamore where Fatty and Blackie were . here was no telling when the two brothers might get so hungry they would seize and eat a rabbit or a squirrel or a chipmunk . nd you know it isn t wise to run any such risk as that . Fatty offered to cut Blackie s hair . ut Blackie remembered what his mother had said when Fatty came home with his moustache gone and his head all rough and uneven . o Blackie wouldn t let Fatty touch him . B t HE offered to cut Fatty s hair what there was left of it . No , thank you ! said Fatty . I only get my hair cut once a month . Of ourse , he had never had his hair cut except that once , in his whole life . Now , since there was so little to do inside the hollow tree , Fatty and Blackie kept quarreling . Blackie would no sooner stick his tail through the hole in the side of the tree than Fatty would want HIS turn . And when Fatty had succeeded in squeezing HIS tail out through the opening Blackie would insist that Fatty s time was up . The words were hardly out of his mouth when he gave a sharp squeal , as if something hurt him . And he tried to pull his tail out of the hole . He wanted to get it out now . But alas ! it would not come ! It was caught fast ! And the harder Fatty pulled the more it hurt him . Oh , dear ! oh , dear ! he wailed . What shall I do ? Oh wh tever shall I do ? He egan to cry . And Blackie cried too . How Fatty wished that his mother was there to tell him what to do ! HV But he knew of no way to fetch her . Even if she were at home she could never hear him calling from inside the tree . So Fatty gave up all hope of her helping . The only answer that came was a low growl , which frightened Fatty and Blackie more than ever . And then , just as they both began to howl at the top of their voices Fatty s tail was suddenly freed . e was pulling on it so hard that he fell all in a heap on the floor of the barber - shop . nd that surprised him . Stop crying and come out both of you ! Fa ty and Blackie scrambled out of the hollow sycamore . Fa ty looked all around . Bu there was no bear to be seen anywhere no one but his mother . T There was no bear , Mrs . Coon told him . And it s lucky for you that there wasn t . I sa your tail sticking out of this tree and I thought I would teach you a lesson . Now , don t ever do such a foolish thing again . Just hink what a fix you would have been in if Johnnie Green had come along . He co ld have caught you just as easily as anything . bHV Fatty was much thinner than he had been in the fall . He had spent so much of the time sleeping that he had really eaten very little . And now he hardly knew himself as he looked at his sides . They no longer stuck out as they had once . After nosing about the swamp and the woods all the afternoon Fatty decided that there was no use in trying to get a meal there . The ground was covered with snow . And except for rabbit tracks and a few squirrels he could find nothing that even suggested food . An looking at those tracks only made him hungrier than ever . V For a few minutes Fatty thought deeply . And then he turned about and went straight toward Farmer Green s place . e waited behind the fence just beyond Farmer Green s house ; and when it began to grow dark he crept across the barnyard . H As Fatty passed a small , low building he noticed a delicious smell . And he stopped right there . He had gone far enough . The door was open a little way . And after one quick look all around to make sure there was nobody to see him Fatty slipped inside . g It was almost dark inside Farmer Green s smokehouse for that was what the small , low building was called . I was almost dark ; but Fatty could see just as well as you and I can see in the daytime . T ere was a long row of hams hung up in a line . U derneath them were white ashes , where Farmer Green had built wood fires , to smoke the hams . B t the fires were out , now ; and Fatty was in no danger of being burned . V The hams were what Fatty Coon had smelled . And the hams were what Fatty intended to eat . He decided that he would eat them all though of course he could never have done that at least , not in one night ; nor in a week , either . B t when it came to eating , Fatty s courage never failed him . He would have tried to eat an elephant , if he had had the chance . HV He stopped at the very first ham he came to . There was no sense in going any further . And Fatty dropped on top of the ham and in a twinkling he had torn off a big , delicious mouthful . Fatty could not eat fast enough . He wished he had two mouths he was so hungry . ut he did very well , with only ONE . n no time at all he had made a great hole in the ham . nd he had no idea of stopping . ut he did stop . e stopped very suddenly . or the first thing he knew , something threw him right down upon the floor . nd the ham fell on top of him and nearly knocked him senseless . He choked and spluttered ; for the ashes filled his mouth and his eyes , and his ears , too . For a moment he lay there on his back ; but soon he managed to kick the heavy ham off his stomach and then he felt a little better . But he was terribly frightened . And though his eyes smarted so he could hardly see , he sprang up and found the doorway . Fatty swallowed a whole mouthful of ashes as he dashed across the barnyard . And he never stopped running until he was almost home . He was puzzled . Try as he would , he couldn t decide what it was that had flung him upon the floor . nd when he told his mother about his adventure as he did a whole month later she didn t know exactly what had happened , either . iHV It was very simple . In his greedy haste Fatty had merely bitten through the cord that fastened the ham to the pole . And of course it had at once fallen , carrying Fatty with it ! After Fatty Coon played barber - shop with Jimmy Rabbit and his brother it was a long time before he met them again . But one day Fatty was wandering through the woods when he caught sight of Jimmy . Jimmy dodged behind a tree . And Fatty saw Jimmy s brother peep from behind another . ou see , his ears were so long that they stuck far beyond the tree , and Fatty couldn t help seeing them . Hello ! F tty called . I m glad to see you . And e told the truth , too . He h d been trying to find those two brothers for weeks , because he wanted to get even with them for cutting off his moustache . Jimm and his brother hopped out from behind their trees . > XH Hello ! said Jimmy . We were just looking for you . Pro ably he meant to say , We were just looking AT you . He wa somewhat upset by meeting Fatty ; for he knew that Fatty was angry with him . Well it does and it doesn t , Jimmy replied . I just stuck a brier into one of my eyes a few minutes ago and it hurt awful , then . But ou ll be perfectly safe , so long as you don t touch us . . dHV Fatty Coon was just the least bit alarmed . He really thought that there was something the matter with their eyes . You see , though the Rabbit brothers eyes were always pink ( for they were born that way ) , he had never noticed it before . o Fatty thought it would be safer not to go too near them . Oh , that s all right ! Ji my said . e can play , just the same . I l tell you what we ll play . We l play J We ll play robber . Y u ll like that , I know . An you can be the robber . Yo look like one , anyhow . CP That remark made Fatty Coon angry . And he wished that Jimmy hadn t the pink - eye . e would have liked to make an end of him right then and there . Of course , of course ! J mmy said hastily . It s your face , you know , That black patch covers your eyes just like a robber s mask . That s why we want you to be the robber . Fatty had slipped down his tree to the ground ; and now he looked down into the creek . It was just as Jimmy said . Fatty had never thought of it before , but the black patch of short fur across the upper part of his face made him look exactly like a robber . You wait right here , Jimmy ordered . Hide behind that tree . We ll go into the woods . And when we come back past this spot you jump out and say Hands up ! You derstand ? dH Fatty Coon did not see that wink . If he had , he wouldn t have waited there all the afternoon for those Rabbit brothers to return . hey never came back at all . nd they told everybody about the trick they had played on Fatty Coon . or a long time after that wherever Fatty went the forest - people called Robber ! after him . An Jasper Jay was the most annoying of all , because whenever he shouted Robber ! he always laughed so loudly and so long . His oarse screech echoed through the woods . And he worst of it was , everybody knew what he was laughing at . Wandering through the woods one day , Fatty Coon s bright eyes caught a strange gleam from something something that shone and glittered out of the green . F tty wanted to see what it was , though he hardly thought it was anything to eat . B t whenever he came upon something new he always wanted to examine it . S now Fatty hurried to see what the strange thing was . V It was the oddest thing he had ever found flat , round , and silvery ; and it hung in the air , under a tree , just over Fatty s head . F tty Coon looked carefully at the bright thing . H walked all around it , so he could see it from all sides . A d at last he thought he knew what it was . H made up his mind that it was the moon ! c He had often seen the moon up in the sky ; and here it was , just the same size exactly , hanging so low that he could have reached it with his paw . He saw nothing strange in that ; for he knew that the moon often touched the earth . Had he not seen it many a time , resting on the side of Blue Mountain ? One night he had asked his mother if he might go up on the mountain to play with the moon ; but she had only laughed . And here , at last , was the moon come to him ! Fatty was so excited that he ran home as fast as he could go , to tell his mother , and his brother Blackie , and Fluffy and Cutey , his sisters . Oh ! the moon ! the moon ! F tty shouted . H had run so fast that , being so plump , he was quite out of breath . A d that was all he could say . Yes I ve found it ! It s over in the woods just a little way from here ! he said . Big and round , and shiny ! Let s all go and bring it home ! CT 9 Well , well , well ! M s . Coon was puzzled . S e had never heard of the moon being found in those woods ; and she hardly knew what to think . Are you sure ? she asked . Oh , yes , Mother ! F tty could hardly wait , he was so eager to lead the way . A d with many a shake of the head , Mrs . Coon , with her family , started off to see the moon . There ! F tty cried , as they came in sight of the bright , round thing . There it is just as I told you ! And hey all set up a great shouting . V J All but Mrs . Coon . She wasn t quite sure , even yet , that Fatty had really found the moon . nd she walked close to the shining thing and peered at it . ut not too close ! rs . Coon didn t go too near it . A d she told her children quite sternly to stand back . I was well that she did ; for when Mrs . Coon took her eyes off Fatty s moon and looked at the ground beneath it well ! she jumped back so quickly that she knocked two of her children flat on the ground . 00 , A trap ! THAT was what Mrs . Coon saw right in front of her . And Farmer Green , or his boy , or whoever it was that set the trap , had hung that bright piece of TIN over the trap hoping that one of her family would see it and play with it and fall into the trap . es it was a mercy that Fatty hadn t begun knocking it about . Fo if he had he would have stepped right into the trap and it would have shut SNAP ! Jus like that . And there he would have been , caught fast . ze = It was no wonder that Mrs . Coon hurried her family away from that spot . And Fatty led them all home again . He couldn t get away from his moon fast enough . No ! hey won t touch this tree , his mother told him . t s an old tree , and hollow so they won t chop it down . It s nly the good sound trees that they ll take . k OHV So it is , my son ! t s a good tree for us . B t not for the loggers . T ey would have little use for it . Fatty Coon felt better when he heard that . And he had a good deal of fun , peeping down at the loggers and watching them work . But he took care that they should not see HIM . He knew what their bright axes could do . When night came Fatty had still more fun . When the loggers were asleep Fatty went to their camp in the woods beside the brook and he found many good things to eat . He did not know the names of all the goodies ; but he ate them just the same . He specially liked some potatoes which the careless cook had left in a pan near the open camp - fire . he fire was out . nd the pan rested on a stump close beside it . atty Coon climbed up and crawled right inside the pan . nd after he had had one taste of those potatoes he grew so excited they were so good that he tipped the pan off the stump and the potatoes rolled right into the ashes . 9 Fatty had jumped to one side , when the tin pan fell . It made a great clatter ; and he kept very still for a few moments , while he listened . But no one stirred . And then Fatty jumped plump into the ashes . WHEW ! He jumped out again as fast as he could ; for beneath the ashes there were plenty of hot coals . Fatty stood in them for not more than three seconds , but that was quite long enough . The bottoms of his feet burned as if a hundred hornets had stung them . He stood first on one foot and then on another . If you could have seen him you would have thought Fatty was dancing . And you might have laughed , because he looked funny . But Fatty Coon did not laugh . In fact , he came very near crying . And he did not wait to eat another mouthful . He limped along toward home . And it was several days before he stirred out of his mother s house again . e just lay in his bed and waited until his burns were well again . It was very hard . For Fatty did not like to think of all those good things to eat that he was missing . And he hoped the loggers would not go away before his feet were well again . When Fatty Coon s burned feet were well once more , the very first night he left his mother s house he went straight to the loggers camp . He did not wait long after dark , because he was afraid that some of his neighbors might have found that there were good things to eat about the camp . An Fatty wanted them all . To his delight , there were goodies almost without end . He nosed about , picking up potato peelings , and bits of bacon . And perhaps the best of all was a piece of cornbread , which Fatty fairly gobbled . And then he found a box half - full of something scraps that tasted like apples , only they were not round like apples , and they were quite dry , instead of being juicy . ut Fatty liked them ; and he ate them all , down to the smallest bit . He was thirsty , then . So he went down to the brook , which ran close by the camp . The loggers had cut a hole through the ice , so they could get water . And Fatty crept close to the edge of the hole and drank . He drank a great deal of water , because he was very thirsty . And when he had finished he sat down on the ice for a time . He did not care to stir about just then . And he did not think he would ever want anything to eat again . At last Fatty Coon rose to his feet . He felt very queer . There was a strange , tight feeling about his stomach . And his sides were no longer thin . They stuck out just as they had before winter came only more so . nd what alarmed Fatty was this : his sides seemed to be sticking out more and more all the time . Now , there was some printing on the outside of the box which held those queer , spongy , flat things . Of course , Fatty Coon could not read , so the printing did him no good at all . But if you had seen the box , and if you are old enough to read , you would have known that the printing said : Now , evaporated apples are nothing more or less than dried apples . The cook of the loggers camp used them to make apple pies . nd first , before making his pies , he always soaked them in water so they would swell . Now you see what made Fatty Coon feel so queer and uncomfortable . He had first eaten his dried apples . And then he had soaked them , by drinking out of the brook . It was no wonder that his sides stuck out , for the apples that he had bolted were swelling and puffing him out until he felt that he should burst . In fact , the wonder of it was that he was able to get through his mother s doorway , when he reached home . Poor Mrs . Coon was much worried all the rest of the night . But when morning came she knew that Fatty was out of danger . She knew it because of something he said . It was this : He followed the trail a little way . But he was very careful . He was always ready to scramble up a tree , in case he should suddenly see the strange animal or rather , in case the strange animal should see HIM . The great tracks led straight toward Farmer Green s house . nd Fatty did not want to go there . o he hurried home to ask his mother what he had found . rs . Coon listened to Fatty s story . Mrs . Coon was puzzled . And she was somewhat alarmed , too . She wanted to see those strange tracks herself . So she told her other children not to step a foot out of the house until she came back . And then she asked Fatty to run along and show her where he had come upon the monster s trail . Fatty Coon felt very important , as he led the way across the swamp and into the woods . It was not often that he could show his mother anything . And he was so proud that he almost forgot his fright . If the tracks are as big as you say they are , your eyes wouldn t have to be very sharp to see them , his mother told him . Mr . Coon never liked to hear her children boast . Sh knew that boasting is one of the most unpleasant things anyone can do . ; When did you hear him screech ? M s . Coon asked . This is the first you ve said about SCREECHING . Whe was it ? 3 < There they are ! F tty cried , a few minutes later . See , Mother ! Th y re even bigger than I said . He h ard a funny noise behind him , then . And hen Fatty Coon looked around he saw that his mother was actually holding her sides , she was laughing so hard . Snowshoes ! M s . Coon said . He was wearing snowshoes great frames made of thongs and sticks , to keep him from sinking into the snow . p So that was all there was to Fatty s monster . omehow , he was disappointed . ut he was very glad he had said nothing to Jasper Jay about his strange animal . or if he had , he knew he would never have heard the last of it . |
Having just been diagnosed with Ehlers - Dansol Syndrome , I am in need of an outlet to share my ups and downs . This may not be a daily blog , but I want to share . I am 34 yrs old and have been told I will live with chronic pain and chance of joint dislocation for the rest of my life . I have started a new blog . . . . . I will only post here if I am having EDS issues . Right now , I seem to be having more fun blogging about my boys and daily life here in our home . So , if you are following me . . . for fun or to see what is going on in my world . . . . . . . please go to the following blog and become a follower . I just wanted to post a quick update for all my family and friends who have been praying for Ben . I spoke with the cardiologist today . They got the results from the 24 hour heart monitor . He said that Ben 's heart rate is elevated , but it did fluctuate . The important thing is that it did change with activity . Ben 's little heart just runs like a hummingbird . His heart function is normal . The doctor would like me to take Ben to see the Heart Rate specialist in 3 months . I was told that Ben 's high heart rate is abnormal , but since he is doing better and it is a constant high we are not going to push the panic button now . BUT , it is not something we are just going to forget about either . So , we are going to monitor him for problems and see where we are in 3 months . We spent the weekend out in Holyoke , which usually triggers all the problems we have with Ben . ( We have actually debated not moving because of it . ) This time Ben was great . The rest of us are a little snotty , but not Ben . He is doing super . I think that after seeing the pulmonologist / allergist and getting his allergy medicine , we are doing much better . I am so happy to not be worrying about him after this trip . I am starting to feel better about Ben and all the health problems we have had this summer . I think we might be on the other side of this thing . Thank you all for your support and prayers . I fully believe in the power of prayer . Thank all of you and God for the wonderful outcome . Posted by I feel down right miserable . I have got some cold thing that is killing me . . . okay that is exaggeration . But , I am feeling pretty bad . I did manage to get through Ben 's Halloween party . It was awesome . He is going to be Tigger for Halloween . He loved it and was so cute for his party . He did great trick - or - treating in the school . But , he did get rather warm . . . his poor little cheeks turned run poor kid . I love my family , but I am ready to sleep . I can be a good Mom and Wife . I feel as if I have been swimming in a pool of syrup , keeping me from being who I want to be . My house is not in the best condition that it could be , but it is getting there . I have never been a great housekeeper . And , it has really bothered me . I have let it get out of hand at times and then don 't know where to start . A dear friend turned me onto Flylady . com and that has helped tremendously . It is a great guide to find a place to start . It has also helped me to start at one place and not feel like I have to do it all at one time . I now have a routine to keep the basics clean and I can keep going to get through the rest of the junk . It is going to be so nice to have my house clutter free by Christmas . It is also nice because when we do decide to move , it will be great to be able to pick up and move what I want to take and not move junk . I guess I am feeling pretty good because I got the boys to school on time ( fed and dressed well ) . . . . picked up a package from a friend . . . . put together a great dinner in the crockpot . . . . empty the dishwasher . . . . and start a load of laundry . All of this before 10AM . I am feeling pretty good about it . It also helps that everyone slept until time for the alarm to go off . Yeah . . . it was awesome . I am feeling great . . . . life is good . God is great and I give him thanks for all that he has given to me . It is nice to be our house again . We went to Holyoke for the weekend and it was eventful . We went and looked at houses . There is nothing out there that I would like to buy or live in . They all need a bit of work . I am so looking forward to moving as soon as we can , but I do not want to jump into a house that needs work . We still need to put our house on the market . . . . . and I was all for it , but now I am not so sure . I want to scream because I am so confused . I want to make sure that Ben is healthy . So , not only is that a problem , but I don 't want to jump into a house . I want to make sure it is something I want to live in for the rest of my life . I checked the price of our house on Zillow . . . . . WHAT ! ! ! ! ! It is way lower than I thought it would be these days . We went from a 3 bed 2 bath to a 5 bed 3 bath and our house has only appreciated $ 8 , 000 since we bought it . . . . and we put all that work into it . We might be able to get what we put into the basement , but nothing else . We have done so much to this house . How can this happen . . . . we have been here almost 6 years . I want to move out there to be near the family and friends . We really need the support with all that is going on in our lives . Ben could do worse there , but we do not know . I know that , for me , that it would be better for me . I can use all the help I can get . I have realized this weekend that things are harder for me than I thought . My hands are getting worse . My left hand feels like I have lost the padding on the first and middle finger . I am also having massive pain in my right thumb area . I know that I am really rambling and not sure what is what . Nothing makes sense right now . I want to move , I want to do what is right by my family , I want to be near our friends , I want to live in a house that I can live in for the rest of my life . Pastor reminded us today that we have what we have by the grace of God . God will watch over all of us and give us what he knows we need . I am giving this up to God and praying for some guidance . It started off well enough . I took the boys to school and came home to enjoy myself . I started on my cross stitch and something reminded me that I needed to call and get the windshield replaced . I called and got it set up . . . . then I was told I had a $ 250 deductible for the windshield . WHAT ! ! ! ! When I switched the insurance to USAA from State Farm , I was told that the windshield was covered under the glass coverage . I spent an hour arguing with them about it . Ended up I need the windshield replaced before we go to Holyoke tomorrow . It is so pitted that I can hardly see through it at dust . So , I filed a complaint / claim so I might be able to get the money back . I then remembered that I needed to call the Vision Insurance to make sure I was covered . I called and was told that there was no vision on Matt insurance . Insurance that we are paying through the nose for these days . I asked questions about the AOG 's policy and then was told that they do not have vision listed on the things that they are covered . I called the AOG and talked to Janice then . She said that she had just been on the phone with them earlier that day and the underwriting for the AOG insurance had not been completed yet . So , if I want to get my eyes checked and my new glasses , I have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed . Well , how the heck can I do that ? I just paid $ 250 to get the windshield fixed . . . . so , now the windshield will be new and pretty to look out , but I still won 't be able to see clearly because I do not have my glasses . I went and picked Ben up from school and we had lunch . After I put him down for a nap , the peds office called and let me know that I needed to take Ben in to get his blood work done today . I was told that the Quest office was the place to go for my insurance . So , after freaking out a minute about my 3 - yr old having to get blood drawn . I started to make and appt . . . . . I first thought about doing it after I picked Max up , but then decided that it might be more traumatic for Max to see it than to have it done . So , I made andSo , I am not sure if it is a good day because I handled it all without a major break or if it was a bad day because I had to handle all of it . So , we are home and the boys are tucked in bed sound asleep . It is nice to have a quiet night . I might be able to relax / release now . I took Ben to see the Cardiologist . It was so scary . The doctor was very nice so it was easier . He had an EKG before we saw the doc and he seemed pretty happy with it . We chatted for a few minutes and I gave him background and history . Freaked me out when doctor decided to do an ecocardiogram right away . We got to see his heart on the screen . From my lay person 's eye . . . . . it seems that it was doing all that it should . We were able to rule out EDS for him and masses or tumors . That is all good . Tonight and for the next 24 hours , Ben is wearing a heart monitor . It is a little creepy to see him walking around with this little box attached to him . It does not seem to be bothering him any . . . . . he ran around with Max tonight acting like nothing happened . It was kinda funny to see him keep stopping to move it up and then go again . Poor guy . I am happy we have ruled some things out , but it is not totally reassuring . There are so many other things it could be . The doctor thinks it could be a heart infection . He said that we are starting with the easy tests . . . it will be less traumatic for Ben . Which is great , but I wonder if it will get us to the end result soon enough . I know that we are ruling out the things that are easy to test for . . . that is great . . . . why can 't we test for it all ? We will most likely be getting blood drawn next week to check for infection , thyroid and a few other things . Wait and see . . . . . give it to the Lord and he will protect us . It is nice and chilly today . AND , I love it ! I did not turn the furnace on , but we did turn the fire place on this AM to warm up the main part of the house . Now , it is perfect . The boys are not so sure . . . . it is kinda gray and they really wanted to go outside and play . Good for them it will in the 70 's tomorrow and we will be out playing . We have the cardio appt today and I am nervous , but as my dad says . Don 't borrow trouble . It will all be okay , and if it is not , we will figure it all out together as a family . And , I mean all of the family . . . . Me , Matt , and all the parents on both sides . Everyone has been so supportive of all that is going on . Thanks guys . Matt is off doing his thing and both of the boys are at school . It is awesome to have some quiet time to myself . I am not running around shopping or having to do much . I am happily sitting her with my coffee , watching the Today show and writing . Yeah . . . . a few minutes to myself before the running of life starts again . So much for time to myself . Ben 's teacher called to let me know that Ben had pooped on the floor and stepped in it . I guess he was really upset . . . . so off I went . I know I just blogged about the Disney thing . But , damn , it really bothers me . Well , not the Disney thing exactly . I had and have so many plans . When Matt and I met , we talked about doing several things together . 1st - move to Holyoke 2 and 3 might be flipped . But , they are things we wanted to do . Matt is 6 years younger than me . . . . I knew that I would get old first , but I thought I would be able to have lots of fun / life with him before I got OLD . Now , I am not going to get mentally old , but physically before I thought . Really , Matt won 't even be 30 until next year . So , by the time he is 35 , he could be pushing his wife around in a wheel chair . Really ? It just does not seem fair . I love him so much and really wish / hope it is not like this . He deserves a full happy life . I do know that traveling is not high on his bucket list , but it is on mine . He would be very happy to move to Holyoke and never leave again . I am happy to go to Holyoke , but I still want to see so much more . I want to be able to walk through the castles in Ireland , swim in the ocean in Fiji , climb to the top of the Eiffel tower . I know that we are working hard to pay off our debt and I want that too . But , do I want that and put off traveling until we can pay cash with the possibility that I may not be in good enough physical condition to do it ? I am just not sure how I feel about it all . We will have all the debt paid off in a year or so . We are going to Disney no matter what . . . might take 18 months , but we might be able to pay all cash for the trip . But , then how long will I have to save to go somewhere else ? I am trying to be positive about my condition . . . . but I trying to be real about it too . Knowing the possibility of not being able to do it later , makes me sad . There are so many things I want to do . There are so many things I want to do . . . . BUT , I need to do them before I cannot . I do know that we will be in a better situation in a couple of years . . . . . I am hoping that once we hit that point we can take a major trip every 2 years . That is my plan . I have not told Matt yet , but that is my plan . I will convince him over time . He is so wonderful to me . . . I am sure he will not be hard to win over . I know that he does not totally understand how I feel or what is going on with my phPosted by So , as a family , we decided that we are going to Disney . Everyone is so excited . We are all looking forward to it . We have started a jar with money in it . We are going to save and save money until we get there . I took the boys to the bank with their change from their piggy banks . They were so proud to tell the teller we are saving for a trip to Disney . We bought the jar at Walmart and put pictures of the Disney characters on it . The boys decided that they were going to spend some of their on toys and put some in the jar . I am so proud of them . . . . they get that we are wanting to do something in the future and they can still get something now . It is awesome to see them learning to save . It is great that we are all saving BUT , dang , it is still expensive . I started looking around on line to see how much we would need to save . I decided that we want to stay in the park , get park hopper passes and the food plan . All of that including air fare is going to run the family $ 3500 . We would really like to pay off the CC before we go and don 't want to go into more debt to pay for it . Having said that , I really want to take the kids . It will most likely be about 18 months before any of that happens . Maybe longer . I want to go as soon as we can . I want to go sooner rather than later because I am not sure how I am going to do later in life . I already have so much pain on a daily basis . I know that I can over do it easily and it scares me . I am not taking pain meds at home ( at all ) . I think I may have to take it daily while we are there . I am really hoping that even though I do that I will be able to function mentally and enjoy the trip . Without meds , I am wondering if I can function physically . I am 35 and I don 't want to be in a wheelchair when we go to Disney . That does not seem like fun to me . I don 't want to take away from my boys enjoyment of the experience . Matt likes the idea of a wheelchair . . . . we will get to go to the front of the line and go first since I am a invalid . The whole idea sucks . . . . . . . I want to be able to go to Disney and enjoy it with my kids . I want to go now while I can , but I don 't want to put my family finances in jeopardy either . It is hard to decide what I should do . Being in pain and being sure that life will bring more pain ( maybe even worse ) , I want to live and enjoy what I can with my family while I can . What do I do ? ? ? Today is a good day . The basement is almost completely finished . BJ has been over finishing the drywall , painting and doing all the little odds and ends that need to be finished . I am truly hoping that by the middle of next week I will be able to have all the furniture back and everything organized . Since Matt has moved 90 % of the things from downstairs to the garage . I am hoping to get all the things put away and set up just the way I want it to be . I am going to be getting rid of things again . I know that I am going to get rid of some furniture that we really don 't need . I am really starting to work through , in my head , what I really want to move with me to Holyoke . I was really excited about getting the basement finished . . . . it is one more step closer to our goal of moving . Me , not good at waiting for things , I started looking for houses in Holyoke . There are two country homes I really want to look and buy . But , Matt is the cool calm on in our house and reminds me that we have to wait . Things are just not going to be totally in order for us to be doing something that drastic so soon . I am thinking that I will take the rest of the year to get the house all cleaned out and in order . I am hoping to put the house on the market in January . House sales are so slow that I think putting it on the market sooner would be better for us . If it sells before we are ready to move . . . . looks like apartment living for us . It would be tight quarters , but I don 't see why we could not do that . We can move things to Grandma 's house or to a storage unit if we need to . Might even save us some money and we could make good interest on what we get out of this house . It is really true that Max should finish out the school year here . I know what it was like to move schools during the school year and more than one time . So , I am going to sit tight and let Max and Ben finish the school year here . Hopefully , when we are ready the plan will be there . God has a plan for us and we will follow his lead . I just need to learn patience and that has never been my strong point . I have let my feelings get hurt , yet again . I belonged to a great meetup group . Most of my friends belong to the group . I have had a falling out with the organizer , but I did not do anything to get myself kicked out of the group . Too bad , that is what happened . I am sure that she will read this . And , I just don 't care at this point . I have said and will not say anything that is not true . I joined this group two years ago , or so . I made some really great friends in the group . I paid my dues like everyone else in March . It is suppose to be for a whole year . I know that I am being petty , but I want my $ 4 . I did nothing wrong according to the group rules . All I did was have a fight with the organizer . After the argument and falling out ( end of friendship too ) . . . . I kept my distance , but liked being part of the group . I made other friends in the group and would have liked to stay in . I was not bothering her or doing anything that would have upset her . Guess she just did not like me there and decided to kick me out . I am so sad that this happened . I am not upset that she and I are not friends anymore . . . . I am not truly upset about being kicked out of the group . I am upset that she took a connection away that I had with some friends . I thought the petiteness was over , but I guess I was wrong . This person has really hurt me and I have seen that people can be horrible . BUT , I am not going to let this one person put me out . I still think that people are generally good . I will continue to think that , despite some people . We did Ben 's allergy testing on Friday . It was not a bad experience . He only cried once . . . . it was about 1 / 2 way through and I think it just itched so bad he was upset . We sang another song and he calmed down . It was quiet an experience for Ben and me . They used marker and numbered Ben 's back according to the number of the allergen they were testing . They made little scratches with the liquid . There was a positive and negative . The positive , obviously , came up . . . . . but the cat scratch came up even more . Poor little guy is certainly allergic to cats . By the time it was all done , the cat scratch was as big as a half dollar . He also reacted to dog , feather , one kind of mold and corn pollen . He was a real trooper and got a huge bouncy ball for behaving . I asked them to check the corn pollen . I worry about moving to the farm with all his allergies . Some of his allergies can trigger his asthma . That is the only scary part about all of this . I asked the doctor his thoughts on moving out to the farm . Dr . Chaplan told me that as long as we live in Colorado or near by states , it won 't matter . He said that pollens can travel up to 200 miles , so even if we lived in a cement jungle , there could still be pollen and allergens . Therefore , the plan to move is still on . We now have a preventative program to keep Ben 's asthma and other breathing problems . We are doing Q - var twice a day and children 's chewable Singular at night . We have albuterol for any rescue times . Hopefully this will keep his breathing normal . Dr . Caplan thinks that we might be able to keep the allergies and asthma in check with the new plan . That would be so awesome . Now we are going to have to see what the cardiologist says . We had thought about going to Holyoke this weekend so I changed his appointment . We are now going on the 18th at 1 : 30 . We will have to see what happens . I am beginning to think that the heart rate was related to his breathing problems . We have been checking his sp02 and heart rate . Both seem to be more normal now . I am thinking that the littGod has his hands around Ben and will continue to protect him . Today was Max 's appointment with the Ortho doc . Dr . Seigel is so proud of Max . She said that his rate of healing is amazing . He is so far beyond what she expected . He will be ready to get his rods out before Christmas . Okay , so she said December or January and I begged for December because we have met our family cap for the year with the ins . Let them pay for it . We have paid plenty in premiums , so why not take advantage of the system , RIGHT ? Tomorrow is the beginning for Ben . We got to the allergist / pulmonologist . We will get his lungs looked at and then all the allergy testing . I am so not looking forward to that part . I cannot imagine all the pain the bugger is going to go through . I am pretty sure his is allergic to most everything . Scratch tests cannot be fun . . . . . can you imagine being 3 and not understanding what is going on ? I feel for him . I feel for me to have to comfort my baby all day tomorrow . It will be lots of movies and Mommy cuddle time . I am just praying that this testing does not trigger his asthma / breathing issues or his heart problem . If this truly is the cause of all of his problems , it could be an interesting visit . Think they have what is needed for someone to is severely allergic to something ? Surely they will be prepared for anything right ? What if he stops breathing because of something they do ? I am really terrified to start all this testing . . . . can you tell ? Monday is the cardiologist . I had the fleeting thought of going to visit Granna and Grandpa this weekend since we have a 3 day weekend , but then I remembered the dreaded cardio appt . I was really looking forward to unplugging and go away for a few days . It really was just a thought in my head . . . . never got a chance to mention it to anyone before I remembered the cardio appt . Me , I am just plodding along . I was suppose to do stamp club this weekend , but we were suppose to be getting the basement finished so I thought I would not be able get into my scrap room . Well , that did not happen . . . . . the guy who has suppose to be finishing the basement for over a year , has put me off again . He was suppose to be here Monday AM and showed up with a story about having a place to finish in Woodland Park . He said he would show up this morning and be able to get it finished this week . Ha Ha Ha . . . . he did not show up again and I have not heard from him . Pissed off is what I am becoming with the whole thing . So , that leaves me having changed my plans for him and now . . . . the basement is not done and I changed plans . Grrr . I do not have anything planned for the weekend now . Matt had a meeting Monday for wrestling , Tuesday for Drupal and now again tonight for wrestling . I know he has to do these things . . . . . but , I am starting to wonder what I am going to get to do . Scrapping at Bobbie 's is out since we are not talking anymore . I don 't want to go to Archivers because that costs money ( and I am trying to be on a spending freeze ) . Being on a spending freeze prevents me from doing a number of things . I could go to the basement and play in my scrap room , but that is not really a get away because the kids come down anyway . I am debating going back to weight watchers . . . . I have gained 10 pounds and none of my clothes fit now , but again , that costs money . SO , what is there for me to do and where . I am starting to feel really pent up , frustrated , scared and angry . And , unfortunately for the family , it comes out with me yelling at everyone for every little thing . I know what I am doing when I am doing it , but I am so in the moment that I just cannot stop myself some times . I am trying hard to just give it over to God , but it is harder than I thought . Knowing something and feeling something are two different things . . . . I totally get what my dear friend Shannon is going through now . I know that things will all work out andPosted by I have scheduled several of Ben 's appointments for the end of this week and the beginning of next . That leaves me in a waiting pattern . I am not very good at this part of the game . I am a right now type person . I know that about myself . . . . . this is killing me . I am horrible at waiting , but even worse at waiting to find out , what , if anything is wrong with my child . I am trying to keep life going as if nothing were wrong . . . . . Yesterday I went to the pumpkin patch with Ben and his preschool . It was so much fun . He got to pick a pumpkin for free . Catch was that he had to be able to carry it out of the patch by himself . He had an enormous amount of fun , but I could tell that towards the end he was struggling . He finally said that he just wanted to go home . I carried him for the end of the trip . He was good sport and had a good time while he felt well . Today we tried to keep things quiet . He did really well until lunch . Well , it was almost lunch time and he started to melt down . I brought him upstairs and he decided that he did not want to eat . He just went to bed and laid down . He slept for several hours and then never asked for lunch after that . It was sad . I know my child is not himself when he does not want to eat . After we picked Max up from school , he seemed okay . I did take him to swim lessons this afternoon . I want to keep his life a normal as possible . He loves doing it , so why take it away from him while he still can ? ? ? He did really well , but coughed a lot . He said that his chest hurt a little afterwards , but he was still smiling . I brought him home and fed him dinner . He seemed happy . . . . but with a raised heart rate . I put him to bed with a 124 heart rate . He was not doing anything . I just fed him and we watched tv . I am not sure why his heart rate was up so high . It makes me so nervous . Tomorrow I take Max to the pumpkin patch and Ben has preschool . Not much else going on . . . . let 's keep it that way . Thursday I take Max in for his arm appt and then we do allergies for Ben on Friday . Life is Good . . . . . God watches over us all . I have has several days to digest the idea of Ben being sick . I have known he was sick , but possibly needing serious care . I have taken the time to do some soul searching on the whole thing . And , I have come to several conclusions . My little boy is strong and he is a fighter . I do not think there is much that he cannot fight . He is such a happy little soul , even when he is not feeling well . He was in the ambulance with O2 and when the paramedic asked him how he was . . . . Ben said , " Great . " He is such a trooper . As I have been praying about this , I have been thinking about God not giving us any more than we can handle . I have been feeling very selfish about all of this . I keep thinking that God will not give ME more than I can handle . . . when , in reality , I should be thinking . . . . God will not give Ben anything he cannot handle . This is not happening to me . . . it is happening to Ben . While I feel the pain and want to protect my child . . . . Ben is the one who suffers . He is the one with the physical pain the hurts is little body . I feel pain . I feel the emotional pain of seeing my child hurting . I feel the pain of not knowing what is wrong with him . I feel the pain of all the possibilities of what may be hurting him . I feel at a loss as to why it is happening to my child . While I am feeling all of these things , I realize that those around me have had problems with their children too . We have dear friends who have gone through similar things with their little ones . I , now , understand ( or sort of ) how they must feel . With all the emotional pain I am going through , I finally understand how these brave parents must feel . I have had the several days of crying and hiding from the issue that I think I needed . Friday , I slept for 7 hours during the day and then yesterday , Matt let me sleep in until 10AM . I know that one way that I hide from things is to sleep . Sleeping means that I do not have to actually think about things . It is just blank time that I can waste without feeling . I have hidden from the world and now it is time to get out and be " normal " again . Yesterday I went to a class to learn to crochet . I had a great time and learned lots of fun things . I know enough now to be dangerous . I decided that I am making a blanket ( with the 3 stitches I know ) . I bought the yellow yarn with the intention of making it for my niece Maggie , but I have decided that it might just be for Ben . I think he can love on it and know how much Mommy loves him . It will always be a part of me that he can have with him . Sounds dumb , but it is making me feel better right now . Ben has been watching me work on it and he is really excited . I might finish it by Christmas with all the other projects I have to finish . In short , I have felt sorry for myself and that has passed . I have wanted to just think about anything else and that has passed . Now , I have turned it over to GOD . HE has a plan . GOD knows what he is doing and we will follow his plan . While I might not understand it all or know why things are the way they are , I am going to put it in HIS hands and let it go . I am going to enjoy every day that I have with my family and not let things get in the way . God has said , " Never will I leave you ; never will I forsake you . " So we say with confidence , " The Lord is my helper ; I will not be afraid . What can man do to me ? " So , it has been another long day . Ben was a sick monster most of the day . He seemed to get a bit better as the day went on . Unfortunately , that did not last long . My poor baby is just so sick and we cannot get a grasp on this whole thing . I took him back to the doctor today . Dr . Lee saw us and was not happy with us . She is feeling the same way I am these days . What the hell is going on ? She is just as frustrated and has gone over all the usual suspects for this problem . So , we are pulling out the heavy guns . In we bring : ENT , Cardio and Pulmonary . I am not happy about any of them , but if we have to do it , we have to do it . It scares the hell out of me to use the word Cardiologist in the same sentence with my son 's name . I really want to have a perfectly healthy baby . He has been so good this far . I know that we will get it all figured out , but it is scary as hell right now . SpO2 levels are in the low 90s but his heart rate is in the 140s . Where does this put me ? I am in a lot of pain these days , but my child comes first . I was feeling sorry for myself several months ago . Now , I am worried to death about my child . I am in pain , but I cannot imagine what it must be like for him . Pain is okay , but when you cannot breath or your heart rate is through the roof , preventing you from doing things . . . . that must cause serious pain . I have been here on earth for 35 yrs , but my baby has only been here for 3 yrs . Poor kid . He has so much to look forward to . . . why does he have to be so sick . The words cardiologist , ENT and pulmonologist are pretty scary when they are used in conjunction with your child 's name . It is also scary for me to think it could all be my fault . Well , not exactly my fault , but could EDS be the responsible for my babies illness ? Lord , please watch over him and make him healthy . I know it is selfish for me to want him here when his rightful place is with you . I cannot change that fact . . . . I really want him to be happy and healthy . Please take him into your arms and do what you feel is necessary for the good of my child . I don 't know how mommies do it . Ben has been sick on and off now for more than 3 weeks . As I posted earlier this week , we took an ambulance ride on Friday and were sent home with an oral steroid . We did have an x - ray and we were told that there was no pneumonia . Matt and I decided to purchase an oxygen monitor at that point . We had it overnighted and it got here on Monday . Monday morning Ben has school for 2 hours . His fever was gone and his color was good , so I wanted him to go to school . After dropping Max off , Ben looked at me and said , " I just want to go home . " I took him to school anyway and he did just fine . He was not his normal jumping around self , but he did okay . Yesterday he was home with me all day . When we went to get Max , he was back to acting a little funny . He did not run with the kids , but rather sat on the ground at my feet . Swim lessons were last night and they both wanted to go ( Matt went to Denver for a meeting ) . So , I thought I would just take them . Ben seemed okay , but not great . I gave him some albeuterol and out the door we went . As I left , I decided to grab the O2 monitor . I put it on him and his level was 88 . Normal is 92 or above . So , I called the clinic and was told to bring them right in . Mind you , the after hours clinic is almost 1 hour away . We got up there and he was holding at 92 . Which was good and bad . The nurse practitioner basically told me that because he was looking at the toys and his stats were good that we should just go home and take an antibiotic . I told them that we were on the edge going down , not up . So much for listening to a parent . As soon as we got home , I started him on a nebulizer treatment . His heart rate ran up to 180 and off to the ER we went . Mind you , that between the time we were at the clinic and the time we got home . . . you could visibly see the difference . We got to the ER and things looked to be stable . They did an x - ray and told us that he had viral pneumonia . They sent us home with decent stats . I feel like no one listens to me . I am a mom , I know what I am talking about when it comes to my kids . Ben is pale and unhappy today . He does not want to eat ( hello , it is Ben ) and he is not wanting to drink a whole lot . I am pushing juice , but it is not working . We have had less than a cup in the last 12 hours . We are off to see the doc again this afternoon . I am beyond frustrated . Poor little guy is tired and so am I . He is lying no the couch . . . dozing on and off . I did see the first semi smile in the last 24 hours . Hopefully that is a good sign . I just wish someone could have done something before we got to this point . I am currently terrified about the pneumonia setting off the asthma and us going through it all again . Right now it seems like we are on and endless cycle . Wish us luck today . . . . hopefully we can get out in front of this and it will all work out soon . I hate seeing my baby like this . I have deleted a post from yesterday . . . . . it obviously upset someone . Not that I really care what this person thinks , but it is just easier to let it go . It is sad to loose a friend in such a way . I am , however , finished with it all . Long weekend . . . . Friday night started it off with a bang . Okay , not a bang , but flashing lights . About 9 : 30 , Ben woke up crying and coughing . It was so scary . He started vomiting shortly after I got him up . When he started struggling to breath , I decided it was time to dial 911 . My poor baby . I have never been so scared in my life . The little man started to turn a little blue . Matt and I gave him all the medicine we had . When the paramedics got here , they gave him some more steroids . We took a short ride to the hospital where we got x - rays and such . He got some more oral steroids and we were able to come home . His little cough got a bit better while we kept him quiet on Saturday . I did take him to a birthday party on Sunday . Bad idea . While I did keep him tame , he still did too much . He slept in this morning . I did get him up in time to go to preschool , but he was so tired . I felt bad for him , but did make him go . I hope that all goes well . We shall see . Last night was bad too . At 3 : 30 this morning , I was awakened by the door bell ringing 3 times . It was so bad . Scared the crap out of me . I got Matt up and he got the gun . We did not answer the door . We had no idea who it was . . . . . we did peek out and notice that we did not know the car or the person . I then called 911 and they sent some patrol cars through the neighborhood , but we have no idea what ever came of it . Needless to say , neither one of us really slept well after that . I made Matt sleep on the couch . . . . . so he was close to the door and the boys . A bit freaked out . . . . . . and very tired . So , I am enjoying my few minutes alone . Matt is downstairs working and the boys are both at school . I have taken the time to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and play on the computer a bit . Now , it is time to follow my flylady rules for the day . Off to shine the sink and change the laundry . Let 's hope that this week goes better . Okay , so I am going today to get my hair permed . What an awful word , permed . It sounds totally 80 's . I have talked to the woman who is going to do my hair and she sound professional . I am looking for big curl . . . not the tiny ones we got in the 80 's . I actually looking forward to this , but totally frightened at the same time . My hair is just past my shoulders and so hard to take care of . With my EDS , it is very hard for me to dry my hair . I have learned to do it in sections , but it still takes me forever because I have to stop and let my arms rest . I am looking for this to be so much easier . I really hope that I can wash it and just let it dry . Hopefully the curls will be beautiful without me having to do much . I really like the idea of a wash and go style . I have tried so many before . My hair has a funky wave to it . It is not straight and it is not curly , so I have to do one or the other things to it every day . I have taken to washing it every three days and then dry it . It looks really good the first day . . . . I usually wear it down then . After that , it is two days of pony tails . It is just easier that way . So , here is hoping that it turns out the right way . I will make sure to post a picture tomorrow after I have gotten it done . Here is what it looks like now . . . . . . . So , this was a totally weird week . I must have been thrown off by the long weekend and not taking Max to school on Tuesday . I am completely mortified that I actually forgot that Wednesday was early release for school . He was suppose to be out at 1 : 30 . . . . and I forgot . I took a nap . I set my alarm to wake me up in time to get Max at 3 , like I normally do . At 1 : 45 my phone rang . I sleepily answered it and then woke straight up . It was Max 's teacher letting me know that I had forgotten to pick up my son . I was told that Max sat down out front and cried because I was not there . OMG ! I felt my heart just drop out of my chest . Thank God my friend Kim was there and brought him home . I swore I would never do that . My family had forgotten me before at school . It was one of the worst feelings ever . I did not want to be that mom . I guess it happens sometimes . I suppose I should not be so hard on my family , but still , it was a horrible feeling . I still feel awful . . . . . I probably will for a long time . Matt says it is just some thing to learn from . I am sure that it was a mistake on my part . It was on my calendar , but I was so busy getting the rest of life together that I forgot to look . My calendar is now color coded and I look at it each day . I pray that I never do that again . Life has gotten out of hand today . I have been doing so good . The last several weeks since Max started school have been pretty good . I have been getting up each morning , feeding my kids , getting myself dressed , putting on make - up and getting everyone out of the house early everyday . Early to the point that I have had to wait to even let Max go onto the playground . Today I was not feeling well this morning . So , while I still managed to do all of the things above , except get out of the house too early . I planned it so that I could get there just in time for first bell and the kids could play . Unfortunately , life did not go as planned today . I pulled up to the side of the street on the other side of the elementary school , as I always do . I got out , opened Max 's door enough for him to get out and went around to the other side and get Ben . Max was on the road side of the car . Just as I went to get Ben and was undoing his seatbelt , I looked up and saw the car coming . I yelled Max and he turned to look at me . . . . still in the car . THANK GOD ! Just as I got his attention this " domestic Danica Patrick " ( thanks Jon for the reference ) drove by and clipped my car door . It was very unnerving to see pieces of my car flying from the door where my son was suppose to be getting out . Max is fine , a little worry about the car . Standing there a bit stunned , I realized that everyone was fine and it was just the car . The women who hit me , almost did not stop . I got both of the kids out of the car and put them on the sidewalk . The woman did stop and the first thing I did was write down her license plate . I was trying to think through what was going on . . . . I decided that since I had her plates , I would make sure Max got to school and then deal with the rest . The teacher at the cross walk told me she would keep an eye on the other lady . I thought that was odd , but was thankful . I took Max to the front door of his school where his teacher was on duty . He was upset about the car . . . it was so sad to see . Ms . Marsh is awesome ! ! ! She took him and got him calmed down so I could deal with the accident . ( Ben stayed calm through the whole thing . ) I got back to the car , swapped insurance information and called the police . It took forever for the state trooper to show up . I was able to call USAA , file the claim , and set up the body work before the cop showed up . I really should not complain about him being late , he was super nice . I have disabled vet plates on my car and I think that made things a bit easier on me . I found out in the course of things that he was retired army . Anyway , I had forgotten to print out the new insurance card ( I have never had a reason to use it ) , but he did not write me a ticket for that . . . . . Yeah . I did over hear him writing the other woman a court summons for the same thing . He did have to write me a ticket for opening my door into traffic . Yep , you read it right . This woman , who is not paying attention , hits my car , could have easily hit my kids and I got the ticket . There was no loading zone there , so it was my fault . When the cop started to write me that ticket , the woman decided that she did have damage to her ( after insisting there was none ) . She told the cop that there was something wrong with the gas tank . She stated that when she went to look at her car that after she opened the gas door , the cap was loose and there was gas coming out . The cop nearly laughed at her . He told her that there was no way that could have happened from the damage done to my car . But , he did tell her that her ex - boyfriend could have done something to her car . We all know way too much about this woman . She was parked , half in the road , when I pulled up . She admitted she was not looking at the road , but was looking in her rear view mirror to make sure her kids were crossing the street safely ( can you say irony ? ) . She decided that she needed to share with me that she is 24 , just moved back in with her parents , has two kids ( 8 and 5 ) and she was not sure the insurance was good . I was totally amazed by this woman . . . . standing there in front of me , admitting she was not watching where she was going in a school zone , sharing all of her issues with me . AsPosted by Today was Max 's first day of kindergarten . He was so excited when I woke him up this morning . ( Normally he is up at 6 , but I woke him up at 6 : 30 . ) He ate his pancakes as quick as he could and hassled me about getting him dressed ( I have to help because of his arm ) . Everyone was ready to go out the door at 7 this morning . Which is funny , because we do not have to leave until 7 : 30 or so . We played out front a little and took bunches of pictures . It was so much fun . I got some great pictures . . . great pictures and funny pictures . But , Max was ready to go . He just wanted to leave , RIGHT NOW . So , we left . We got there early . About 10 minutes before we are actually suppose to be there . We got out of the car at 8 : 05 . That is the time that the teachers are out at the playground . We went around back of the school and it was total chaos . Both of the boys were off as soon as we told them they could go . It was hard to keep track of them . Ben blended in with all the other kids , even though he is so much smaller . There is one big play thing in the center of the playground with ladders and slides and much more . I think 80 % of the kids were on that one piece . Finally , we saw Katie and her parents come around the corner and Max was off . He wanted to go and see his girlfriend . We stood around with Katie and her family until the bell rang . We got some great pics of the two of them together . Then the bell rang . We found Max 's teacher and the line he was suppose to be in . He was near the end of the line . I gave him his snacks , hugged him and told him he was amazing and he would do great . Matt gave him a hug and told him to have fun . At that point , Max looked at me , so I gave him another hug and he just began balling his eyes out . He was so upset . I had told myself that I was not going to cry , but that just broke my heart . I did not cry in front of him and tried not to let Ben see either . Ben was upset too . He wanted Max to come home . Ben , Matt and I went around front and had the BooHoo Ya - Hoo breakfast with other parents from the kindergarten class . It was fun and most of us managed to not cry too much . I met some of the other moms from Max 's class . Ben stopped being upset when the Bulldog mascot came around and hugged him . Matt went to work and Ben and I played the rest of the day . We had fun . . . . Ben learned about a glue stick and had a blast gluing everything he could . I have some great collages . We pick Max up at 3 : 00 . He was so happy and said he had a great time . He actually told me that kindergarten is way more fun than preschool . He was so hyped about it . I tried to get him to tell me what happened , but he said he could not Posted by So , yesterday and today , I have been down with a sore back . It is awful . I have had to try to sit still and not do much . Has not really happened . . . . . I have done some laundry and such . That was until Matt got onto me about it . Now I am sitting here . From my favorite chair , I watch the world go by . Matt and the boys cleaned up the living room today . Now they are out in the garage today . I think they have already changed the oil in my car . I know that Matt is putting shelves up now . I can tell because of the noise . I feel like I should be out there helping . If I am not out there to help , then I cannot complain if they are not exactly what I want . I have to just be thankful that my husband has put them up for me . I am resting so I can go with the family to the Rockies game tomorrow . There is no way I want to miss this . It is going to be so much fun . The kids are out of their minds excited . Each of them have a hat and a huge purple finger . They are ready to go now ! We are all looking forward to it . It is going to be a great family time . And , a fabulous end of the summer present . Next week is Matt 's last week at the AOG , Max 's first day of school and Ben 's meet the teacher . It is the end of summer and it is happy and sad all at the same time . Matt is starting his new job on the 23rd . It is a big step for the whole family . I know I have said it before and I will say it again . WE are excited and life is going to be better for us all . It is going to be a huge difference for all of us . Matt is going to be working from home . While we are all excited about this . . . . we are not sure how it is going to all work out . He will have his own office in the back bedroom . We are going to put the day bed in there , just in case we need to have an extra bed for guests . He currently has two desks in there . . . . both junkers , but I am hoping to come up with something better for him . He has asked for a bookshelf , but that is it . I am sad that my baby Max is starting to full day kindergarten . That means that he is no longer my baby . He is going to be a big boy next week . I am not sure what my days will be like without him at my feet all the time . It is going to be hard . It has been 5 years of him right there . I know that he has been to preschool , but the most he was gone was 3 hours 3 days a week . Now it is going to be almost 8 hours 5 days a week . If that was not bad enough , Ben starts preschool the following week . He will only go 2 hours a day 2 days a week , but still . My babies are all growing up . I am not sure if my life will get simpler since they are not going to be under foot , or busier because I will want to do somethings with the classes ? What kind of a soccer mom am I going to be ? Before I was just a stay at home mom , but now it seems to be a transition for me . I am going to have to reinvent myself again . From a home mommy to a school mommy . Is there a difference ? I am hoping so . . . . I feel like I have failed at the home mommy part . Let 's see how the changes go . So , Matt found out yesterday and signed a contract for a new job position . I wanted to yell it from the mountain top yesterday , but he did not want me to tell anyone . I think that maybe it had just not settled in with him yet . Today he sent an email to all of the people at work and slowly started to tell friends and family . Me , I am so stinking excited that I can hardly stand myself . It is not totally what we were expecting , but it is still great for us . Matt will be working from home for the most part , but will have to travel a bit . He will be leaving for 2 weeks starting on the 30th of Aug . I am glad that it got pushed out to that date . He will be here for both of the boys first days of school . He will also be here for Ben 's and my birthdays . It is awesome . It is going to be a big adjustment for us . I was looking forward to the boys both going to school this fall . Max will go full time and Ben will be going 2 days a week for 2 hours a day . I was looking forward to the couple hours a week of peace and quiet . I am wondering if I will still get the down time with Matt home . I know he is suppose to be working , but it would be quiet time for the two of us too . Not sure how that will all work out . It seems to be a beginning for all the boys in my family . I am not sure exactly what I am feeling . Left out might explain it . I am not going to be doing anything new for me . My scrapbooking group has fallen apart . So , I do not even have any place to go on Saturday nights . It has been almost 5 weeks since I have gone out of the house by myself . I have gotten quiet time in the house while Matt takes care of the boys , but for some reason it is just not the same . Got to figure out what is going on in my head with all these new things happening here . Please , don 't misunderstand what I am saying . I am so thrilled that all my boys are doing well ( my husband is one of my boys ) . I am just not sure where I fit in . I fell like all I do is work for them , but that should be enough for me . I love being home with the kids and would not trade it . Maybe I will feel more useful after both of the kids go back to school and I can do things for the classrooms . HAPPY DAY in our family . Today is going to be all about trying some new things . Okay , not some , but two . I have found a new recipe for Chicken with Black Beans for the Crop pot . I am really excited about it . It starts with frozen chicken breasts . I love that idea . I can never remember to thaw chicken breasts the night before . 4 frozen chicken breasts Put all but the cream cheese in a crock pot on high for 4 hours . Then put cream cheese in for last 1 / 2 hour . I read all the reviews and they were all good . Some people said they had to add some flavor with red pepper flakes . They also said that the cream cheese cuts the spice some , but not the flavor . We shall see . I am pretty excited to test it out on the family tonight . A real dinner with actual real effort from me . Let 's see how that goes . LOL . I am also going to work on toilet paper roll albums . Sounds weird , but I am excited about it . Cheap way to make something for others . I think these might be fun little Christmas gifts . They seem to be really easy . I hope they turn out as good as I think they might . If they turn out good , I will post pictures tomorrow . My house is getting cleaned up and organized a little at a time . I am really enjoying getting life in order . Living room , part of the kitchen and one bathroom finished . Scrap room is started , hopefully I will finish it today before starting on my project . Oh , my bedroom is finished too . That makes me exceedingly happy . It is nice to lie down and be in the calm of my room . As soon as my new body pillow comes , I cannot wait to sleep in there too . It will be so nice to sleep in the same bed as my hubby , again . Life is good . . . . maybe I should look for some of those shirts so I can remember that every day . What are my priorities in life ? Last week I was in a tremendous amount of pain . I had spent two days in bed and then Max fell and broke his arm . It is amazing what a bit of adrenalin can do for you . I was not upright when we left for the hospital with him , but I was up and around . It was amazing that for the several days after that I was not worried about my pain . While it was there in the background . I was not focused on it at all . Max ended up needing surgery . . . . that put the pain off a little longer . Then we went out to Holyoke for the fair and I was so worried about Max getting hurt again that I just kept going . By Sunday I was just so worn out that I actually spent the whole day in bed , literally the whole day . It was great . . . . I slept the whole time . Not just lying there , but truly sleeping . It was great . I felt much better pain wise and emotionally after that . Yesterday was another day of doctor appointments in Denver , but I just went through the motions . This morning I woke up with a new focus . Thinking about all that has happened in the last week , I realize that my pain needs to take the back seat to my children . They are what is most important in my life . I am here to take care of them and prepare them for the future . Who knows what they will be in the future . Before I get started writing this blog , please note that I would never actually do anything to harm myself . For those of my friends and family , this might be very hard to read , but I feel the need to share . I am living with my EDS , but not handling it well . I have done plenty with my husband and boys this summer and never intend to stop , as long as I can . But , it never fails that I feel like I should be doing more . I am feeling horrid about the situation that I have put my husband and kids in with my condition . For example , the other night I took a sleeping pill . I took it late because I have been trying not to take them , but that night I was having considerable pain . The next morning , I was having a hard time waking up . Since I sleep on the couch , Max always comes and sees me before Matt . Because I was having a hard time waking up , Max walked into Matt and said , " Mommy is not waking up because she took too many pills . " OMG , I felt horrible . Can you just imagine it ? Next Max is going to say something to someone at school and I am going to be accused of being a drug addict . AAHHHH , how very scary . As far as Matt . . . . . he pays for my disability every day . The day starts with me hurting every morning . Matt had to make the kids breakfast before he left for work today . Double duty for him . On days that I am managing in the morning , I do get things done during the day . I have to take care of the kids and do things for them . So , the house becomes and issue . I do manage to get one big thing done each day . Big things are laundry , dishes , cleaning bathrooms . I will never be able to clean the whole house in one day any more . It sucks . I am suppose to be taking care of my family . I am home everyday . I do not work outside the home . It is my job to do all these things . Unfortunately , my body just will not let me do those things all in one day . There are some of you who really do not want to keep reading this paragraph ( parents and siblings ) . I have said before that I have been sleeping on the couch for several ( 6 ) months . It makes things a little difficult in the " love " department if you know what I mean . It is now to the point that we actually have to schedule days so I can take my pain meds early enough that I am mostly pain free . It sucks big time . It is hard to feel love and loved when we cannot really " be " together . So , I have all these things were I think I am failing . It does not help when I am in so much pain everyday . It has been really hard to be positive about anything . I have wondered what my families life would be like without me . I know it would be hard to begin with , but would they be happier in the end . I do have these feelings some times and wonder , but I would never act upon them . I just could not imagine harming myself . ( I just don 't like pain , LOL ) . I know I have to be here for my kids , if not physically , then emotionally . And , Matt is the love of my life , I would never want to be anywhere without him ( I think he feels the same ) . I am not sure that I have anything to say really . I feel like I should be writing . I have not been here for so long . I am sure there has been so much that has happened since I last wrote . It is mid - July and things are going quietly . Well , not really . The kids have been busy swimming and hurting themselves . The swim lessons are going swimmingly ( ha ha ha ) . The boys are both doing great , really . Max is nearly swimming on his own . Well , he can swim by himself as long as he can hold his breath . It is hard to get him out of the water at times . There is a spray park at the pool where we do swim lessons . Max never wants to go in the spray park , but wants to stay in the pool and keep swimming . Max sliced his knee open one day while we were there . I actually had to use a steri - strip to hold it together . Might have used a stitch , but it was the knee and I am sure he would have ripped them open . So , I bandaged him up and off he went , being Max swimming and playing . Ben is having a blast at swim lessons . He is so small , it is scary for me sometimes . In the week before he started swim lessons , we made an emergency trip to the dentist . He ripped the connective tissue between his upper lip and gums . Turns out that was not a big deal , but he did crack the tooth just above the gums . The doc was afraid that we might have to take out the tooth . Good thing is that it did not die so it is still there . He started swim lessons the next week and started loving it . Unfortunately for him , several days into swim lessons , he fell off the couch . When he did that , he dislocated his shoulder . I managed to pop it back in myself . Of course , I did not do it on purpose . I did take him to the doc and he agreed that I had popped it back in . Given my history of EDS , the doc did not bat an eye at what happened . Ben got a little sling ( I did not know they made them that small ) . He sat out for one day of swim lessons , but was glad to get back . I am being careful with him for now . There are a few things at swim lessons that I am not letting him do . I wanCharlee Kleve Good Morning world . We are all up , the sun is shining , and the skies are beautifully blue . We are going to have a great day , I just know it . Today is treat day for Max at swim lessons . We get to find out if he will be moving up a level . I am not sure if he will be doing it or not . Great news is that Ben is going to be able to start real swim lessons next session . We have been swimming in the baby pool while Max has been in his lessons . Ben is jumping off the edge by himself . I have taught him to float on his back with his ears in the water ( with me having a hand on his back ) . He can put his face in the water and blow bubbles . He is almost ready to go totally under the water . If I dunk him he will not fuss , but he is a little afraid to do it himself . Anyway , the pool director saw us in the water and decided that it was time to put him in lessons . I was surprised because when I asked the assistant director last week , she told me he had to be three before they would even consider it . Not only is he going into real swim lessons , he will be in basic level two to start . How awesome ! ! ! He is excited . He has been wanting to jump off the diving board , even though Max still won 't jump on his own . He will start on the 12th . I am a little nervous , but that is just the mommy in me . I am still feeling pretty good . I have started taking a B - 12 tablet each day and I think it is helping a little . I am still napping . But , I can wake up in the morning and after nap without feeling groggy . That is a big bonus . I do not feel like I have to sleep all the time right now . It is fabulous . I am getting more done around the house , which also makes me feel better . I have actually made real dinners for the last 4 days . Don 't get me wrong , I feed my family every day , but I have been cooking . No fast food , no meals out of a box . It has felt great . We are all sitting down at the dinning room table and eating together . It is fun to hear the boys tell Matt all about their days . The evening yesterday was great . After dinner , we took the boys to WePosted by I am letting the cat out of the bag a little early , but I am so nervous I am not sure how to feel . Matt has interviewed for a new job . It sounds really positive . The guy who interviewed him called and asked what his availability looks like for July 19th . Matt said pretty good . Then found out that he would be going to CT for 5 weeks . I know that there are lots of single moms out there and lots of Army wives who do this all the time . I am just scared that something might happen to me . I have gotten with some close friends to talk to them about support while Matt is gone . Everyone is being great . I am feeling better than usual - - minus the shoulder . I am hoping that I stay that way . School will start while Matt is gone . I feel a bit sad about that . Max is starting Kindergarten and Ben is starting preschool . It is all exciting for the family . The job is a good one . It will certainly put our family in a much better place financially . We would be able to move to Holyoke , CO sooner than we thought . It will make our lives so much better . Matt will be missing somethings with the kids , but he will be working from home when he is here . So , that would give opportunities to see more of the kids things than if he worked 9 - 5 . So , while he misses some , he sees more than he would otherwise . I am not sure how he feels about that . I am excited for him . . . . it is one of those dream jobs for him . It is something he really likes and is good at doing . He will get great experience and if he wanted to move companies later , he would have a great resume ' . I have been super positive the last couple weeks ( even with all the minor injuries ) . I am hoping that those feelings will continue . Matt and I have already made a list of things we would like to have done before he leaves so my life will be a bit easier . I am going to be busy with the boys . We have next week off of swim lesson and then it is back to 5 days a week for Max and Ben will start Saturday mornings . Then another week off swim and then they both will be doing Tues / Thurs evenings . School will be starting in there somewhere too . It will be busy and I think if we just stay that way things will be good . My life is about my kids and family . That is a choice I made and I love it . I know that I will need some me time still and I will get a few hours each week . Ben will be in preschool for two hours on Mon / Wed in the AM . I have decided that I will go to Starbucks and just chill during that time . I have also talked to some friends about watching the boys for a couple of hours a week , just to let me get a grip on life . Who knows , I may not need that time . I may love the new life that we will have . I know that having to get up every morning and get Max to swim lessons has really helped me get out of my funk . I can only imagine what it will be like when they are both going to school . I am scared , but I know that others do it . I will just need all the positive thoughts I can get to make sure I stay healthy while he is gone . I may just have to come to the realization that it truly is going to be mind over body . I CAN DO THIS ! ! ! ! ! I have decided over the last month or so that I am going to go for it and enjoy life . This week was not one of them . Started out great . . . . Max started swim lessons and loved them . I even got Ben into the kiddie pool while Max was in his lesson . And , after swim lessons , the kids get to play at the spray park for no additional charge . We had so much fun at the beginning of the week . Wednesday came around and after swim lessons , we went to Walmart . I made the huge mistake of picking up Max and putting him in the shopping cart . He is just a little too heavy for me to keep doing that . I pulled out my shoulder , wrist and two fingers . Even though I was in pain , I still go my shopping finished . Just figured if this is the way it is going to be then maybe I will just have to work through pain and accidents . I iced it , took meds and felt better in the AM . . . . while it seems that my shoulder hurts every evening , at least I can do some things in the AM . Thursday morning , we were all getting ready for swim lessons . I was in my room with the door closed , getting dressed , when I heard Ben fussing at the door . I did not think much about it because he does that when I am in there and he wants me . Finally , Max opened the door and said , " Blood , Mommy . " I came running out and Ben was bleeding from the mouth . I finally got it stopped enough to realize that he had ripped the piece of skin between his upper lip and gums . I know that facial and mouth wounds bleed a lot , but after looking at it , I saw how bad the cut was . I decided then that we should to the Dentist for an emergency visit . Turns out that the cut was not a big deal and really nothing to worry about . BUT , the Dentist wanted x - rays . After the x - rays , Ben was very good by the way , he was able to pull them up on his computer . He showed me where Ben had fractured his right front tooth . The fracture is above the gum line . Nothing we can do about it right now . We need to keep an eye on it . If it abscesses , then we have to go back in and they will have to take the tooth out . There iFriday we did make it to swim lessons . Both of the kids were so happy . Max did well , but did not jump off the diving bored by himself . He is getting closer and closer to doing it . Then everyone went outside to the small pools . Max 's does his lesson in the 3 1 / 2 foot pool . He does really well . Ben and I play in the 1 1 / 2 foot baby pool . Ben loves it . I have even gotten him to put his head under the water . I was so excited . After Max got done with his lessons in the big pool , he came and joined us in the little pool . Somewhere along the way he sliced his knee open . The life guard did not have a first aid kit ( really ? ) . Finally someone found one after I had been there putting pressure on it for 4 minutes . I did get the bleeding stopped and it did not look as bad as it had in the beginning . So , the life guard cleaned it with alcohol and put two band - aids on it . Max was crying that he still wanted to play in the spray park . . . . . so I told Max we could play until his band - aid fell off . It did not last long . When we got in the car , I was still not sure we should not go get stitches . I decided to patch it up myself . I went and bought some adhesive strips and neosporin spray . I got it all cleaned and bandaged . He was tentative about it this AM , but after naps , he totally forgot about it . I have just put them to bed and looking forward to some quiet time with Matt tonight . I will most likely take some pain meds and drug out for the night . Matt will be gone for the next two days , so I most likely not take any pain meds . While they really help to control my pain and I seem to be pretty coherent on them , I am so afraid to take them when it is just me and the boys . What if something were to happen and I could not drive because of pain meds ? What if I was so out of it that I could not respond properly ? It scares me to be at home on pain meds with the kids by myself . So , no pain meds for me this weekend . To end , the week started out great , but ended up not so much . We are all still here and healthy as we can be . Max is still loving swim lessons , but wants to do them too . ( He will starts Auqa tots in July ) . Matt has worked hard and is off to a conference for the weekend . Me , I am still in pain and learning to deal with it . I am trying not to let it slow me down too much . I am a bit less energetic and mobile by the evenings , but I love my days . Okay , so it has been awhile since I have been here . I have been busy with the boys and trying to live a normal life . My boys are blossoming . Max has started reading . . . blows me away . . . . reading before kindergarten . Ben starts pre - school in August and he cannot wait to go to school . Max is taking swim lessons everyday . He loves them and is doing so well . I am so proud of him . Ben and I get to wade in the kiddie pool while Max is swimming . Ben seems to like it until he falls over and goes in face first . He is working on it though . Me , I am in constant pain . Yesterday I made the mistake of picking Max up ( he jumps so it is not so hard for me ) . I pulled out my shoulder , wrist and two fingers . Still had to finish shopping . Manage to do so many things despite the pain . I am going on the 7th of July for an MRI . Then it will be back to VA ortho to see what they want to do . I am afraid to have surgery on my shoulder . . . . . . There are things that can be complicated about surgery on someone with EDS . I am feeling very emotional about this all . Posted by I don 't know who else watches House on Fox . If you do , remember when House was trying to get off of pills . He took them for the pain in his leg . . . so to forget about the pain in his leg , he stabbed his hand . I feel that way these days . . . . no , I don 't mean I want to stab myself in the hand . I mean that the pain in my shoulder has made me forget about most of my other pains . The mornings are pretty pain free , but by sleep time , I just want to cry from the pain . I am sure that it is because I use it so much during the day . I am careful not to pick heavy things up , but you don 't realize how much you use your shoulder until it hurts . I am not getting down about . It is just a part of my life . I have accepted that pain is something that I am going to have to live with . I am not freaking out about it or letting it stop my life . Despite the afternoon and evening shoulder pain , I have cooked good healthy dinners for the last three nights . No fast food , no junk . Yummy healthy food . I am working on having the family eat healthier . Hoping two things come from this . First , I am hoping that it will help me and my joints . Second , I need to make sure that I maintain my weight . I really would like to loose 5 pounds that I have gained since I was diagnosed . I have been seeing a therapist for a long time now . . . . just to keep things on an even keel . It is especially helpful now with this diagnosis . I have tried to avoid believing this is true and been beating myself up like you would not believe . Everyday I feel like I am not enough and I do not do enough . My house is not clean , I have lots of projects to finish and I want to play with my kids more . When I do not get it all done , usually because of fatigue or pain , I feel like a total failure . I am suppose to do it all , healthy or not . I am a stay at home mom and that is my job . I feel like I don 't give back enough . Am I down right lazy ? After seeing my therapist , I am not as hard on myself . I feel better about me . It is okay if everything does not get done everyday . I am going to choose to do better and not beat myself up when it is not done . I choose to not do somethings and I don 't feel bad about them anymore . I am not lazy , I am deciding what I am going to do and not do . I am going to take care of my family , but not feel bad when something does not get done . I went to the Denver VA on Thursday morning . I finally got to see an orthopedic doctor . It was just for my shoulder and not my EDS case . I explained to the doc about my condition and he had never heard of it , big surprise . He said that he would be looking into it and see if there was something more he could do . He checked my good shoulder first . He asked if I was sure that it was not the bad shoulder . He could not believe the laxity in my joint . Then he went to the bad shoulder . He popped it out without even trying . It completely shocked him and hurt me . It was immediately popped back in . As the doc examined my shoulder further , he told me that he could actually feel the damage to the cartilage in my shoulder . He ordered an MRI . The doctor suspects that I will be having surgery on my shoulder before the end of the summer . Ouch , not looking forward to it . Really , we will have to wait and see what the MRI shows . At least someone is listening to me about the symptoms of EDS . Someday I am going to figure out how to make someone put it all together for me . I am home from my trip and it went fairly well . We had a great time . Baseball game on Friday night . . . . kids had fun . . . . brother took a ball to the chin ( 6 stitches ) pushing Max out of the way . Saturday we played in the pool all day . Sunday we all went to the Brookfield Zoo . We had a great time . That zoo is huge . We walked and rode the train . It was way fun . By the end of the day we were all exhausted and my shoulder hurt . I carried a backpack with water and such . It was dumb on my part . I put my shoulder out . I went to the ER on Monday while the boys went on the train with my folks . Tuesday we played in the pool again . We all were exhausted when we finally got home on Wednesday . In Chicago , visiting Mom . Yesterday was suppose to be a quiet day . We did stay home in the AM . . . . the kids were getting restless around 11 , so I took them on a short walk . Then Mom came home and we seemed to go non - stop . We went to Costco , then the mall , then to grocery , then to Walgreens . Then I came home and made dinner for everyone , but wait , we were not done . We went to the huge public library after dinner . Long day and my feet , knees and back were killing me . I did take a pain pill . . . . . . and bought some new Danskos . I am so tickled about my new shoes . I was wearing my tennis shoes yesterday , thinking they would be good . NO , had so much pain . So , I bought the Danskos and the best part . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . they were on sale for 75 % off . Normally $ 120 , I paid $ 30 . How awesome is that ? I should be able to handle most of the walking now . I wore them to the library yesterday and they are like walking on air . YEAH ! Baseball game and Japanese for dinner . Not so sure about the Japanese place , we are going to the one where they cook in front of you . Hope they kids do okay . Tomorrow I am flying to Chicago with my boys . I am a little nervous about it . . . . . okay , extremely . As much as I hate to ask for help , I have asked to have assistance to and from the gate . Both DIA and Midway airports are big airports . I am trying to convince myself that it is okay . I am nervous about having the two boys see me in a wheelchair . It makes me sad for them to see me . I cannot even put into words my feelings at this point . It is just making me upset . I love my mother , but at this point I am not sure she understands my limitations . She has so many things she wants me to do . I tried to explain that I am not able to go at the pace that I used to go . I have to take things slowly . I cannot be running around town like I used to . I try to do one big thing a day , but when the big thing is going to the Brookfield zoo I think I will need a day off after that . She is used to me being able just to pick up and go do whatever we want . It is not that way any more . I am just going to have to explain it to her again and have her see it first hand . I have not seen her in a 8 months and I have gone down hill really fast since then . This has been a total roller coaster for me and I am still learning my limitations . Let 's just hope I can make her understand . I know that she is just being positive and I know that she loves me . I know that she really wants my boys to have a good time . My kids know my limitations . . . . I had my appointment with my therapist today . It was really good . I feel like I have taken a big turn in my life . I realize that I have been very hard on myself . I have been a black and white person . . . . either all on or all off . I am trying to understand that it is okay to be in the middle . A little of this and a little of that . Meaning , I don 't have to do it all . I can clean some , but it is okay to leave some for tomorrow . I need to enjoy today and play with me kids , but not over due it either . I have been trying to make sure my boys know that I love them and that I want to be with them . Nancy says that I am sheltering them a bit too much . I don 't want anything to hurt them or their feelings . So , as moms , we all try to shelter our kids . I guess I am just doing it a little too much . I have a disability that will eventually ( hopefully a long time from now ) keep me from doing a number of things . I want to do as much as I can now , but if I do that in the end , I will be seriously disabled quicker . So , I am trying to find a middle of the road place . I can do things , but in moderation . I can do this and I will figure out a middle ground for all of us . My kids are just going to have to realize that I am happy to play with them and I want to do things with him , but I cannot always be so physical . I can spend time with them and not always run around and be so active . What is wrong with sitting on the porch while they play in the yard ? I am still there and still watching and still part of their lives . I can do that . . . . . I was a wonderful day . I did get most of the mess cleaned up , but not all of it . I decided that after nap time I would go outside with my boys . We played with bubbles . It is so much fun to watch them run all over chasing the bubbles . We have a bubble machine . It blows a constant stream of bubbles ( thanks Granna and Grandpa ) . After that got old , we moved onto the sidewalk chalk . That was fun . We drew all kinds of things : houses , rainbows , fruit , and much more . Then it got interesting . I made the mistake of putting my hand in the chalk and then putting it on Max . That started it all . We all started just putting chalk on the ground so we could get it on our hands and mark the other person . The boys loved it . We all ended up a bit chalky . Hand prints , drawing and just plain scribbles . We had a blast . I am so glad that I got to participate in that moment with my children . I have to say that having EDS has made me enjoy the little things even more . It was so much fun to play that way . Last year I would have been upset with the boys for making a mess and getting so dirty . Instead , I started it and loved every minute of it . The kids wash and so does the sidewalk . What a glorious day . I am technically a stay - at - home mom , but I seem to have my hands in many different things . Currently I am a Close To My Heart consultant , Substitute Teacher , and an Uber - mom ( according to my kids ) . View my complete profile |
HomePhotos and ArtArtThen and NowPaintings by Jan Komski - SurvivorGeoffrey Laurence PaintingsPaintings by Tamara Deuel - SurvivorDavid Aronson ImagesHaunting MemoryHolocaust Picture Book - The Story of Granny Girl as a ChildAuschwitz Virtual TourAuschwitz PhotosBirkenau and Mauthausen PhotosStudent ArtPhotos - Early 1930sPhotos - Late 1930sHolocaust PhotosLiberation PhotosWarsaw Ghetto PhotosLest We ForgetCarapati - a FilmStoriesHolocaust SurvivorsAbram KornHarold GordonSidney IwensI Cannot ForgetKeep Yelling ! A Survivor 's TestimonyA Survivor 's PrayerIn August of 1942Jacque LipetzWalter FHelen LLucille E . Judith JagermannFilip MullerCamp LiberatorsNordhausen LiberationDachau LiberationOhrdruf LiberationGunskirchen Lager PamphletBuchenwald LiberationChuck FerreeLt . Col . Felix SparksDebate the Holocaust ? Books by SurvivorsNazisAdolf Eichmann - PBSAdolf Hitler 's PlanHimmler SpeechGoebbels DiariesLetter on SterilizationLetters on EuthanasiaNazi Letters on ExecutionsPage of GloryVictimsHomosexualsGypsiesGypsies in Auschwitz IGypsies in Auschwitz 2Babi Yar PoemPolish Citizens and JewsChildren of SurvivorsEducateHolocaust Study GuideHolocaust Books A - ZAnne Frank : The Biography | 1998 Holocaust Book Florence Mayer Lieblich World War II started in 1939 . Hitler and Stalin made a pact and divided Poland in two . Stalin occupied Ukraine and the Germans occupied the other part . On September 17 , 1939 the Red Army entered our city , Czortkow . The Jewish population breathed freely for a while . We were safe from the Nazi tyranny . Life continued normally . We had to be very careful about with whom we associated . It was not easy to live under a dictatorship , but the Jews were not harmed . The Jews were able to get very good jobs and the professionals were able to continue . There was no anti - Semitism , but everybody was watched . If they were suspicious , you could be transported to Siberia , but other than having to be very careful , we led a normal , quiet life . Our peace ended very quickly . On July 6 , 1941 the Germans invaded our city . From that day , hell started . When the Germans were on the outskirts of our city , the Ukrainians started to burn all the Jewish houses and villages . They covered most of the entrances that they could see , so nobody could escape . My friend Lila 's house was already in flames , but one entrance was not covered . Her mother pushed her out and told her , " Hide between the high corn bushes , so the murderers will not see you . Try to save yourself . For us it is already too late . " Her hands and legs were already burned when she went between the bushes . She was very quiet as she hid . She heard children 's voices , adults crying and begging for help . Lila heard the response of the murderers , " Burn Jews , we don 't need you , we don 't want you . " It became very still . You only heard the burning wood , and the air started to smell with burnt flesh . Whole villages and all the people were burned to ashes . The hatred that the Ukrainian people felt towards us was nothing new . They implanted this hatred in their children from the day they were born , " You kill Jews . " Once the Nazis came , we were even afraid of the youngest Ukrainian child . When he saw a Jew , he threw stones , started to fight and robbed him . He would call for the Gestapo , " This is a Jew , kill him ! " That was our situation . We were surrounded by hatred , killers , and no way out . Lila arrived at our house and lived with us . She survived and moved to Israel . She is not alive today . My father and I were looking out the window and saw a motorcycle with Germans arriving . They stopped on the corner of a small street . Suddenly , we saw a religious man coming out from the street . In one hand he held a glass of salt , and in the other he carried the Torah . He was greeting the Germans . The two Gestapos secured their motorcycle , stepped down , threw the man down on the street , spitting on him and kicking him with their boots . They threw the Torah down , spit on it and stepped on it until it crumbled . They yelled , " Filthy Jew ! " and they killed him . They returned smiling to their motorcycles . They had accomplished their mission - already killing Jews . When they left , some people picked up the Torah , trying to straighten it out and clean it . They took the man away . We knew this man very well . He was a good friend of my father . I turned to my father and said , " Daddy , destruction awaits us . Very long , bitter days are ahead for us Jews . " We walked away , we did not look anymore . Now , whenever I am in temple for the holidays , and see how the Torah is celebrated with songs and happiness , I only can see the Torah on the street , spit and stepped upon , and crumbled . I cannot forget this . It hurts too much , and nothing could have been done to prevent that degradation . The Gestapo Kelner was assigned to destroy the Jews of Czortkow . From the day he arrived in our city , the killing started . They snatched people from the street , dragged them into the Black Forest , and killed them . We have many graves with our people . We , the Jews were scattered all over the city . It was not easy for the Nazis to find us . They never knew where the Jewish houses were , but they had a lot of help from the Ukrainian murderers . They led the Germans to our homes . Kelner , the head Gestapo murderer , gave an order to print large signs with the Star of David . Every Jew had to go to the city hall , buy it , and hang the sign in a very visible place , on windows and doors , so the Nazi murderers would have it easy . There was also an order given that everybody had to wear an armband with the Star of David , so we would be very recognizable to kill . In a very short time , after the Stars of David were on every Jewish house , an order came from the Gestapo Kelner that a ghetto had to be established . Also a Judenrat and Jewish police had to be organized . A few houses were assigned to the ghetto . Our house was among the assigned ones . The people started to move from their homes , and moved in with other families . It was very cramped . Some of our family moved in with us . The next order came from the Gestapo . None of the Jews were allowed to go out of the ghetto . If a Jew was seen buying from a Gentile , they would kill them on the spot . This happened . We had to eat . I myself removed my armband with the Star , and went to get only a loaf of bread . We were starving . If a Ukrainian or a Gestapo saw me , I would be killed . I had no choice . I had to take chances . I could not let my parents go out . Our Judenrat and the Jewish police were not helping . They were with the Gestapo , helping to make our lives hell . The Jewish police thought that if they helped the Nazis , they would survive , but it didn 't happen that way . I used to hide from the police , but I was caught and sent to the Gestapo for very hard labor . I had to do filthy work like cleaning the toilets and houses , bringing in wood and making the fire . The Gestapo would stand over us with their whips , and if they didn 't like what we were doing we would get the whip over our backs . The winter was very cold . The German soldiers were freezing on the Russian front . An order came from the Gestapo to the Judenrat , that all the Jewish furs had to be delivered to them , and they would be sent to the front , to warm the soldiers . My family decided that none of our furs would go to warm those killers . We would burn all our furs , and we had a lot : coats , jackets and hats . We were a large family . Everybody sat down and started to cut the furs with plain scissors . It was very hard to cut , fur needs special scissors . We were bleeding , but all the furs were cut and we burned them . Fur burns very slowly . We had the satisfaction of knowing that none of our furs would be sent to those murderers . The majority of the Jews were very scared and delivered their furs , but at least something good was done by us against that tyranny . We took a chance because the smell of the burning fur was all over the ghetto . We were very proud of ourselves . That was the only thing that we could do to satisfy ourselves a little bit . I remember a very painful day in my father 's life . Our front entrance was left open by mistake . Suddenly two Gestapos walked into our apartment . My father was sitting and composing , deep in his thoughts . They stood behind my father 's chair and asked , " Is that yours ? " Pointing to his book , my father answered , " Yes . " They tore the pages out of the book and started to tear it up , page by page . My father was begging , " Please , I 'm begging you , don 't destroy my work . " They threw my father to the floor , started to kick him with their boots and spit on him . They left smiling . I felt like running after them , scratching their faces , and telling them that their destruction would come soon . I picked my father up , he was bruised , and I collected the torn pages . I still can see the pain in my father 's eyes . I asked my father , " Why didn 't they kill us ? " My father said , " You will survive . " That was the reason . My father was very sure that I would survive . I was working in the Gestapo with three other ladies . One day a young Gestapo walked in . We were very frightened . We thought it was our last day of life . He looked at us and started to talk . " If I see a fly , I hesitate to kill it , but you Jews are like rats , and rats you kill . All of you will be killed . " He walked out . At least for that moment we were still alive . There was silence between us . I broke the silence and I started to say , " We will surprise him . " The two ladies answered , " We will not , but you will have a chance . " They didn 't survive . They were killed in the first Aktion , Bergen - Belsen . A few weeks before the first Aktion , at 1 : 00 A . M . , the Gestapo Rosonoff , second in command , walked into the room . He carried a plate of food in his hand . He put the plate on a small table , turned to me and said , " Fraulein , sit down and eat the food . " I replied , " Thank you , but can I share the food with my friends ? They are starving too . " His look became very vicious , his voice angry and loud , and he was yelling at me in German . " They are Jews ! To me , you are not a Jew . The Jews kidnapped you . " I replied that I am a Jew . He became furious . He grabbed his gun out of his holster and pointed it straight at me . The girls were trembling . I was sure he was going to kill me and very calmly I said in German , " Why don 't you kill me ? Your intentions are to kill us Jews . " He looked at me , put his gun back into his holster and yelled , " You are not Jewish . Run , save yourself ! " Then he left . I 'm still wondering why he didn 't kill me . It happened in August , a short time before the first Aktion . I came back to the ghetto after hard labor at the Gestapo . Rosonoff was there with his vicious German Shepherd dog which was trained to jump and crush every Jew . The dog jumped on me and threw me down on the street and started to bite me . The dog bit my hands , crushing my hands and fingers . To this day , I am left with deformed hands and fingers and scars . After he finished crushing my hands he left . I was bleeding heavily , but at least he didn 't touch my face . I am lucky he didn 't kill me . I guess the dog didn 't enjoy the skin of my hands . They probably didn 't taste appetizing after the hard day of work . It just so happened that I was the only one visible , because if our people saw him coming , they ran away . I didn 't know he was there . I just walked into the ghetto . When he saw me from far away , he saw his victim and started running towards me . I didn 't even have a chance to run . My uncle was on the corner and fainted , because he was sure I was going to be finished . I was the only one left alive in my city who had been attacked by this dog . When they asked me how I survived , I said , " Miracles . " It was very painful . I couldn 't go back to work . I said to my mother " At least he didn 't touch my face . " She said " At least he didn 't finish you off . " About three weeks before the first Aktion , I entered the ghetto with another woman . On the corner , I saw some Ukrainian police dragging some people out of the ghetto . A policeman saw me entering the ghetto and yelled " What are you waiting for ? Go in . " He started to drag the woman who was with me , and I said , " Please , she is my friend . Please let her go . " He did . Suddenly I heard the voice of Mathilda Halpern , my very close friend . She was being dragged by another policeman and was yelling and crying , " Please help me ! Save me ! " I went to the policeman and said , " She really is my closest friend , please , let her go . " He looked at me and started to yell , " Get in ! I will take you too . " He left with her . She looked at me and she saw I tried . He killed her on the sidewalk , just outside the ghetto . He said to me , " Go in . " Every once in a while , they would just decide to kill a few Jews . There was nothing we could do . We had no protection . The policeman could have taken me too , but didn 't . He pushed me into the ghetto . I believe , very strongly , that somebody above me was watching over me . I believe , until today , that when I am in trouble , I am always protected . Now I believe that it is my parents protecting me . The killing continued by the Germans and the Ukrainians . The Jews were taken to the outskirts of town . They had to dig their own graves before they were shot and fell into them . There are a lot of mass graves there . We all knew that something very horrible was awaiting us , so we had to start to prepare a hiding place . Our houses were attached to each other with brick walls in between . To get to each other 's houses for help , we had to have a connection . We decided to make openings to all the houses . We removed some bricks from the walls located in the attics , so that in case of an emergency , we would be connected from the inside . Now , we had to have a hiding place . We decided to build a wall in the attic , large enough for all the people from the houses on our block . It was a long block with a lot of people . It was impossible for all of them to have hiding places . Bricks were accumulated and the work started . It had to dry up . We left a small opening , and a few bricks were left outside to cover the entrance after we were inside . We had to slide in . We prepared some mattresses , pillows , containers of water , pails for the bathroom , dried fruit and bread . We did this in the few weeks before the Aktion . Everything was ready . The wall was dry , not recognizable . The first Aktion started August 26 , 1942 . A few days before , we knew that something was brewing , that something terrible was going to happen . A man we knew who was in the Judenrat , was a good man , and he warned us . We decided that we would all go into the hiding place . All the families and children from the houses would go . I also went to some of our friends and told them to pack whatever they had , take food and containers of water and to come with us . The entrance was closed , and we were praying and reminiscing about the " good old days . " My parents were very thankful to God that my brother was saved from that horror . They always believed that I would survive . They were so sure . When I would ask them how they were so sure they would say , " You will survive , believe in us . " The truth is , I started to believe it myself . At least I had some hope . One of my mother 's brother 's , Nathan , didn 't want to stay in the hiding place . He walked out and said that he was sure that he wouldn 't be taken by the Nazis because he had a special card from them . I also had a card , but I didn 't believe those murderers . I couldn 't convince him . He was taken away by railroad to Bergen - Belsen Concentration Camp . There were two small windows in the hiding place . My cousin and I looked out the windows and were able to observe the preparations . We saw that the Judenrat were covering two large tables with white table cloths . On the cloths , they put two bottles of wine and glasses . Two chairs were put at the middle of table . The president of the Judenrat , Dr . Abner , was a very mean , destructive man . He was delivering people to the Gestapo . He was sure that only he and his family would survive , but he was killed with his whole family . Preparations were made for the killing of the Jews . Kelner and Rosonoff of the Gestapo were sitting at the middle of the table , drinking , laughing and having fun and preparing themselves for their big occasion - our destruction . On the street corners , the Germans and Ukrainians were standing with their guns , and the Jewish police were standing with their heavy sticks . They were ready to fulfill the order which would be given by those murderers . I could see everything . After they finished their drinking , they stood up . They congregated the Germans , Ukrainians and Jewish police around the table . We heard the loud voice of Kelner , the murderer : " Two thousand Jews have to be delivered . The quota has to be filled . If not , we will fill it with the Jewish police . Go from house to house . Gather the people in the center of town . Kill old Jews , sick people and small infants . " The killing started . The Jewish police , German police and Ukrainians started to deliver our people . We saw people being dragged . We heard yelling , crying , begging and shooting . What was happening to the Jews was indescribable . The Jewish police were a big part of that crime . Suddenly , I saw a lady I knew very well . She owned a very nice bakery where we used to buy our bread . She was dragged by the German Gestapo , clutching her baby to herself very tightly . The German tore the baby from her arms , held the baby by its feet , so its head was down , dragged the baby to a water pump and hit the baby 's head against the iron pump . The baby 's head split open . The mother started to scream and yell , " You murderer ! Why did you kill my innocent baby ? She didn 't do you any wrong . " He turned to the mother , killed her , and threw the baby down beside her . He walked away smiling and singing . After what we saw , my cousin fainted . I became still like a statue . I couldn 't move . When my cousin woke up , she tapped me on the shoulder and said , " It 's all over . Let 's not look any more . " I asked her , " Did it really happen ? " She said , " Yes . " We walked away and sat in an opposite corner . We did not talk to our families about what we saw . They knew what was going on outside . They heard the crying and the shooting . I just couldn 't understand the cruelty of what was done to that infant . Their hatred of us was so deeply implanted . The entrance to our house was not easy to break . It was very strong . We suddenly heard knocking at the door . They had a very hard time breaking down the door , but they did . We heard strong German voices . " Where are the Jews ? Look all over . " They were standing right near the wall . It became so quiet , for that minute it felt that we had all died . Even the children were so quiet . The Germans looked all over , but couldn 't find us . After a while we heard a strong voice . " There are no Jews here . " They left . When we heard their boots moving away from our wall , we started to breathe again . We didn 't leave the hiding place , we didn 't know if the Aktion was over . It was very quiet outside . Suddenly , we heard voices outside . We saw our people . That meant that the killing had stopped for a while . We decided that one of us should go out and find out if it was safe to go back to our apartments . I was selected . Somehow , I was never afraid . I always took chances . My beloved parents always used to tell me , " Whatever the situation , you have to face it . You never give up . You have to be strong to overcome bad times and enjoy good times . " This was implanted in my mind , and has always helped me . When I walked out from our house , there was a terrible scene in the center of the city . There were dead bodies all over the streets , mothers holding their children in their arms , old people dead , whole families were dead , side by side . It looked like there had been a heavy bombardment . Unexpectedly , in a corner , I saw a family who I knew very well . There was my best friend from school , Fayga Preshel , with her parents , brothers , sisters , uncle and cousins , all dead . I covered them with their own bloody clothing . Before the Aktion I had begged them to come to our hiding place , but they had refused . They had said , " What will happen , will happen . " It did . You had to see it to believe it . I couldn 't stop trembling . At once , I heard a soft voice behind me calling my name : " Miss Mayer " . I turned around and saw a young lady shaking . She said to me , " You don 't know me , I know your whole family . I have very bad news for your mother . I was in the transport with your uncle Nathan . They dragged us , pushed us , beat us with their guns and heavy boots . People couldn 't walk . The Germans were killing them , spitting on them and yelling , ' Schnell ! Walk quickly ! ' Many fell and couldn 't get up . They were stepped on and killed . People were yelling and crying . Even the Jewish police were hitting them with their heavy sticks . In the commotion , I ran out of the line and ran into a small house where I hid in the back . When I saw that they were far away , I came running to the city . I lost all my family . That transport was going to Bergen - Belsen . " My Uncle Nathan was with them . Later , when I started to tell my mother , she knew already . It was one of her premonitions . Soon afterward , I saw a good friend of mine , Dr . Philip Lieblich , bending over the bodies and covering them . I walked over and asked if I could help . The answer was that they were all dead . The Nazis had done a very good job . Philip was very pale . I didn 't have to ask him what had happened to his family , but he told me anyway . They killed his uncle and took the rest of the family away . Philip had been hiding in a small corner . The Nazis had killed so many , that they didn 't bother to look for more , but his whole family was killed . In a very soft voice he said to me , " I hope your parents and family survived . " I answered , " Yes , for now . " We walked together to my house . My parents and the other people went back to their houses . I heard Phil saying to my father , " Those murderers want to destroy us . I will do everything in my power to fight to survive . " My father answered , " Don 't ever give up . " He replied , " I won 't . " He left . He had to go back to his apartment and then back to the hospital . We had to leave the house where we were secure and protected because after the ghetto had shrunk by so many people , we had to move into very small houses . We moved into the ladies part of the Wizhnotzev Synagogue . That is the synagogue where my parents and friends were eventually discovered and dragged to the mass grave . The rabbi from Ushatin and his family moved in with us there . They were the sister - in - law and brother - in - law of my brother . We were occupying the larger ladies praying room . We were twelve people in all . Before we left our house , Kasha walked in . She was our cleaning woman . Kasha , her sons and her husband were Ukrainian police . She turned to mother and said , " Get out from my house . It is mine now . Don 't you ever ask me to help you . I will not . Get out you filthy Jews . We will kill you all . " My mother turned to Kasha and in a very soft voice said , " Kasha , true , you will kill me and thousands of us , but do you see my daughter ? She will live . " My mother then turned to me and said , " Don 't you ever forget her . " " I won 't , " I answered . I never forgot . With heavy hearts , we left our home forever : the house where I was born and spent a happy childhood . The beautiful memories were left to me from our home . I knew in my heart that my mother was right . It would never be my home again . Only memories of the beautiful house and happy times remain . We walked away and turned toward that small street . We Jews were assigned to perish together . The houses on this street were made out of mud . They looked like small houses in the villages . There were a few brick houses which the Judenrat management lived in . The people from those houses were killed already . Also the Jewish police got the better apartments . We started to build a small hiding place , to try to avoid those killers for a while . It was in the attic of the synagogue . It was a very small place . We sat very close to each other . The killing didn 't stop . Each day we were in the hiding place . The situation became unbearable . We were boxed in with no way out . We were not allowed to leave the ghetto . On the corner , at the entrance , the Ukrainian police were watching . If somebody tried to escape they were killed on the spot . We had no food or water . We were starving and the killing continued steadily . Some people were trying to help themselves . They approached their Gentile friends and asked them to hide them . There were very few who wanted to help us . Young Jewish men who looked Christian , bought Gentile papers , and moved onto the Gentile side . They became Christians and lived as Christians . Not many were lucky enough to survive . If somebody recognized them , the Gestapo was notified , and they were killed . Men were very easy to spot . For us girls , it was a little easier , but the Germans also found a way to catch us . When a German wasn 't sure if a girl was Jewish or Christian , he tapped the girl on the shoulder . If the girl yelled , " Oy , Mamanu " , he killed her . When the yell was " Jesus Christ " , he apologized . Jesus Christ was so implanted in our minds , that after fifty years , I still express myself with a scream , " Jesus Christ . " That expression was so important that you couldn 't forget it . It meant life or death . When I was sitting in the hiding place , I had very long conversations with my father . I remember one of our last ones . I started , " I learned a lot about our history . We Jews were always hated , beaten and killed , but never gave up . We Jews are very stubborn people . During the Spanish Inquisition , the Jews were observing Judaism in their basements . From the outside , the Spanish thought that they had converted . I also believe very strongly that the German tyranny will come to an end . I 'm sure some people will survive . " My father interrupted and said , " Our enemies have been trying to destroy us for a very long time . We Jews are spread all over the world and they never will . Yes , my child , I agree with you . Hitler 's tyranny will come to an end . Some will survive , I will not , but you will be among them . " He kissed my head and said , " You will see . " We had to stop talking because we heard the voices of those who were looking for us . This time they didn 't get us . After the first Aktion , my mother 's family was still alive except for the one uncle who refused to hide . We realized , facing the cruel situation , that it would be impossible for all of us to survive that destruction . Therefore , each of us got a list of family member 's possessions that were left in some Christian people 's homes , and possessions that were in the homes of people who had robbed us . If one of us should survive , we should go to those people and collect everything back . I was the only survivor and this list remained with me until the day we were liberated . We expected that Judenrein would be declared very soon . Juderein meant no more Jews in Czortkow . The day arrived . Czortkow was declared Juderein in 1943 . My Phil came down from the hospital and joined us . They started to look all over the small houses , grabbing people . Some were killed in their houses . The rest were dragged to the outskirts of Czortkow . The people had to dig their own graves . They were shot , and fell into the graves . The graves were covered . Many people were still alive in those graves . I remember after the liberation , speaking with my friend and her mother , who both survived . My friend lost her two sisters . They told me that they had had a visit from a young girl . She told them that the sisters saved her life . She was in the line with them to be killed . When the shooting started , the two sisters fell into the grave . The young girl fainted and fell on top of them . The Germans thought that she was dead and covered the grave . She regained consciousness . It was dark . She realized that she was buried alive and heard crying . That meant that other people on the bottoms of the graves were still alive . They were suffering before their death . She started to dig with her hands . The soil was very soft and she was able to crawl out from the grave . Naked and bloody , she ran into a Ukrainian house . The woman in the house was terrified . She asked for water , clothing and bread . They were very scared of her . They gave her everything and she left barefoot . She ran into the woods , met other people , and remained with them until the liberation . She left with the aliya for Palestine . When I was in Israel , my friend told me that the girl was a guest in their home very often . I just hope that my parents didn 't have to suffer , and peacefully went to their deaths . Juderein meant that if a German or Ukrainian saw a Jew they killed them on the spot . That was the law . We were boxed in . We were starving . We didn 't have water . We were sitting in the hiding place steadily , waiting to be picked up and killed . We had no way out . After a few days in the hiding place , my father called Phil and me outside the hiding place and said that it was time for us to leave before it was too late . He asked us if we wanted to be married . We said " Yes . " He married us . I saw my mother embrace my Phil , hug him , and in a whisper say , " Go with God , He will protect you both . Never give up fighting for your freedom . In my heart I feel that both of you will survive . " I saw my father shaking Phil 's hand , embracing him and saying good - bye . I heard my Phil assuring my father that he would do everything possible to save us . So he did . Thanks to his tremendous strength and faith we were able together to overcome all the terrible obstacles that we had before us . He was a very strong man . Quiet , but strong . I walked out from the hiding place and looked around to see if it was safe to go outside . I was watching and I saw my Phil safely cross the street . I was relieved and happy that he was safe . I came back and rejoined my parents in the hiding place . I remained there two weeks with them . I did not want to leave them . I hoped that I would convince them to join us . They refused . Their answer was , " We have no strength to fight any more . " They considered themselves lucky . They had one son in America , and I would survive too . They were so sure and convinced that I would survive . My mother had premonitions and said that the premonitions never disappointed her . I started to believe it myself . Meanwhile , we were sitting in the hiding place , starving and thirsty . The Nazis were looking for us , but we still remained alive . Suddenly I heard my father 's voice . It was like an order was being given to me : " Say good - bye to your mother . " My mother came out from the hiding place , embraced me , and in a very soft voice said , " My kinde , ( they never called me by my name , always my kinde ) it is time to join your husband before it is too late . You are young and have the strength to fight for your survival . Fight , and never give up . I feel in my heart , that you both will overcome every obstacle in your way and you will survive . Remember , those were your mother 's last words . After your freedom , leave this bloody city . Don 't ever forget what those murderers did to our people and deprived you of your parents and family . I have a sister in Palestine , you have a brother in the United States . " She kissed me , and that was the last time I saw my mother alive . I can still see the tears in her beautiful blue eyes . " Go see your father " she said , as she went into the hiding place . My mother was a very beautiful lady . I came down and saw that my father had a prayer book open . He said to me , " These are the blessings of your voyage . Repeat after me . " I started in Hebrew : " May it be the will of the Lord to lead us to the destination . Live in joy and peace . Protect us from all enemies . From evil , bigots and robbers . From catastrophe and all the dangers of the journey . Bless our Lord . Grant us grace and mercy . Bless our Lord who listens to our prayers . Amen . " My father closed the book and started , " All my life I was a Zionist . I prayed and always hoped that I would live to see my homeland , Eretz Israel . But never will I see my homeland , but you and many survivors will . To regain our pride and dignity as Jews , the only way is our Eretz Israel . The day will come . Miracles will happen and we will regain our homeland , Eretz Israel . Yom Israel chai . Long live my people . " That was my father 's last sentence . He hugged me and said , " Leave now and God will protect you . " I left to join my husband in the hiding place . That was the last time I saw my father alive . I was very lucky that I was with my family until the end . Some didn 't have that luck . I left my parents ' hiding place and my heart was very heavy . I knew that I would never see them again . I left them hungry and thirsty and I could not convince them to come with me . I was very depressed but I could hear my father 's strong voice : " Don 't give up . You will survive . " It was very convincing and I believed it . I promised myself that I would never disappoint my parents . When I walked out from the hiding place , there were Ukrainian police with guns waiting to catch the remaining Jews . As I approached the Gentile side the policeman looked at me and smiled . He couldn 't decide if I was Christian or Jewish . I did not give him a chance . I walked into the Stretenev Synagogue . I looked around the synagogue . It was very empty . The torahs were destroyed and the benches had disappeared . The Ukrainians were warming their houses with the wood . I thought that only two years ago I was enjoying Simchas Torah . It felt so empty , like it never was . I turned to the bimah where the torahs were , and I said a prayer : " Oh God , protect me and let me arrive safely to join my husband . " A new chapter began in our lives . Very hard and painful times in our lives now awaited us . Now we had to have the strength to fight for our survival . I knew that it would be very hard , maybe even impossible . My father 's voice was singing in my ears : " Don 't ever , ever lose faith . " I became very strong and walked across the street and came to the house where our hiding place was . I looked around to see if it was safe to knock on the door . It was . Palania , the lady who saved our lives , opened the door and I quickly walked in . Now I will describe the hiding place where we spent nine months , not stepping out , until the liberation day arrived . The house belonged to Jewish people who were not alive anymore . Ukrainian people had moved into empty Jewish houses . It was a very happy time for them . They became owners of all the Jewish properties . All around the house where we were hiding , Ukrainian people were living . The house was very small . It only had a few rooms . Our hiding place was the small back room . The entrance door to the room was removed , and replaced with a large closet that matched the frame . There were a lot of shelves in the closet that were filled with books and other articles . The lower shelf of the closet was left open . That was our entrance . We could slide in . We were eight people in that hiding place . There was a very small window in our hiding room which was covered with a lot of boxes on the outside . It was very careless and neglectful of us to leave the window covered like that , because if the Ukrainians removed those boxes , we would be discovered and all be shot . It was a miracle that we were not discovered . Somebody " up there " protected us . Food was given to us through the opening . We were never hungry . Palonia and Ruzka tried their best . When holidays were observed , we were treated to a nice meal and some sweets . In the bunker we were constantly afraid and terrified of Ruzka 's fourteen year old son Vladik . He used to threaten us terribly . He was always saying , " I will go to the Gestapo and inform them that my mother is hiding Jews . " We were always trying to please him , teach him , and shower him with a lot of gifts . He was a very bright boy and liked to study , but each time he walked out of the house , we were terrified until he returned home . Our lives depended upon his moods . One morning , I remember Palania yelled in through the opening , " Fire ! Fire ! Come help to put out the fire . " Phil and others walked out into the room where the fire was . Many Ukrainian people were helping to put out the fire . The room was so dark that they didn 't notice anybody . If they had , we wouldn 't be alive today . After the fire was put out they quickly slid into the hiding place . Another miracle happened here ! When they gave us the food through the opening , they always told us what was going on outside . They informed us that more Jewish hiding places were discovered and the people were dragged to the outskirts of Czortkow to be killed . I felt in my heart that I would soon get the news that my parents were discovered . It didn 't take long . One day , after a few weeks , while giving us the bread , Palania said that Ukrainian police discovered a group of Jews congregated in some synagogue . They were sitting on the floor waiting to be picked up . They looked like skeletons . They couldn 't walk . When they fell , they were kicked by the Germans with their boots , and yelled to : " March ! " They dragged them , beating them , until they arrived at the outskirts of Czortkow . Many graves were dug and waiting for them . After this news was delivered , I was sure that my beloved parents were among the group . I was trembling and crying . I was thinking that my parents couldn 't take the hunger and the thirst that they were suffering . All twelve people walked down to the Wizhnotzev Synagogue and waited to be picked up . Other people joined them and together they were driven to their death . I could see my beloved parents , pale , thin , no strength left , and my mother holding on to my father for support . Together they went on the last voyage of their lives . I could see my father 's lips moving , saying the last prayer in Hebrew : " Listen Oh God of Israel , the only God . " With peace in their hearts , their lives ended . I know that . I could feel it in my heart . The last few months before the liberation were the hardest and most painful times for us . Some hiding places were discovered by the Nazi murderers . They killed everybody . Palania and Ruzka were frightened . Palania opened the entrance door and said , " Get out ! I don 't want to die . " We survived thanks to my dear Phil 's strength , determination , and the powerful will to survive . He never gave up . By the open door , my Phil was saying , " Look out . It 's so very dark . The minute we step out they will kill us . You are very good religious people . You are not capable of such cruelty of sending innocent people out to their deaths . Your consciences will bother you . Please , I 'm begging you , give us an extra day . Tomorrow we will leave . " Ruzka saw the ruby and diamond ring that had been my mother 's , and said , " I want it . " I gave it to her . That didn 't help . I promised , if they would save our lives , an apartment would be given to them . It took a while , but Phil convinced them , and they agreed to one more day . We went back to our hiding place and hoped that some miracle would happen the next day . It was still three months before the liberation , but we knew it was around the corner . The next day arrived and we didn 't know what would happen or where we would go , but a miracle happened . Palania and Ruzka told us of the defeat of the Germans on the Russian front . The Germans were running back to Germany . They didn 't tell us to leave . Each day , until the day we were liberated , my Phil went into their apartment and tried to convince them that the day of liberation would come very soon . The atmosphere outside was very panicky for the Ukrainians . They were afraid that they would be punished by the Red Army . They killed many Russians , just like the Jews . Palania and Ruska felt better and weren 't afraid any more . We remained until the day of our liberation . |
In 1992 Teresa , a seabird rescuer was born in an island surrounded by oceans . She loved playing with her friends until she turned 7 . When she made a new discovery . One day when she was walking on the beach she saw a seabird surrounded by plastic and he couldn 't fly anymore because his wing were also with plastic . Teresa decided to help him . She took the seabird to her house and asked her parents what she could do to help him . They told her that she would have to take it to a vet , but she really liked the seabird so she decided to keep it . She hid the seabird in her little garden and she gave it fish and water for 2 week unfortunately the seabird died and she got so mad she ran to the beach and saw another seabird with plastic on his beak so she ran back to her house with the seabird and told her parents that they had to do something about it but they would always regret saying : - Darling , this job is not for us the vets are already taking care of them . You don 't have to worry . Now you have to study to be a great person when you grow up . She would just study and study only about seabirds until she turned 13 and it all changed . Her teachers called her parents saying that she couldn 't keep up with the class and she had low grades because she was only interested in studying about seabirds . So her parents turned to her and asked her what she was thinking that she was doing about her life and what college did she expect to go to in the future with low grades . She got so angry that she started to print papers saying " Please help the seabirds by not throwing plastic or other used materials on the beach ! " Then she built a plastic seabird and left it as a monument on the beach . When she turned 17 a researcher called Dr . Williams Smith was on a holiday on the beach and saw her great monument . He asked her if she wanted to do a research about the seabirds so she accepted and she started to research more about the seabirds but now with actual tools . She was so into the project that she worked about 8 years with it and Dr . Williams Smith put her in charge of the company so she worked and made a lot of people change the way they think about throwing plastic on the beach . She became so important and respected in her field that she helped the government create a new law and she raised money for a seabird care . Posted by There was once a girl named Lucy , she was very intelligent and hard working . Her favorite class was science because she was learning astronomy , her best - loved subject on earth . One day Lucy was looking through her telescope when she saw something odd . The girl had recently studied asteroids , and easily found out that the weird fire red colored ball was actually an asteroid . She analyzed the asteroid DA14 , which as far as she knew was the one who could possibly hit the earth in 2028 . She easily identified the asteroid and thought it could be DA14 . But she wasn 't sure . Lucy went to bed that night thinking about what that asteroid could be . - Well , Lucy . . . by the way you are telling me it does sound like you saw an asteroid , DA14 . However , it should only be visible around the end of 2017 , which is very odd . We should go to the city hall report , as usual , so don 't worry , maybe it 's nothing . Unfortunately , Mr . Stevenson was wrong . It was the asteroid DA14 , and it was coming to earth before it should . The Earth was in state of emergency . If that meteor hit Earth , most of the life would be gone . What was expected was that the asteroid would go around Earth , but the calculations were wrong after all . The people had around ten years to find a solution to the problem . Lucy studied asteroids like she never thought she could . Around five years later , Lucy found the solution to make the asteroid go away from Earth . The asteroid was around 100 million miles from Earth , which was an advantage in Lucy 's solution . Lucy 's solution was actually simpler than expected . A small spaceship would be sent to the gap between the asteroid and the Earth . The spaceship would contain a powerful bomb , which wouldn 't completely destroy the asteroid or damage Earth , but it would make the asteroid crack into little pieces . Consequently , it would melt when in contact with the Earth 's atmosphere , thanks to the heat and speed . Months later , the spaceship was launched at top speed into the space . It happened exacly like planned . When the asteroid went towards the spaceship , the bomb exploded the asteroid . The Earth was saved . Science Story Charles Darwin 's Story By : Mai Osawa Charles Darwin a scientist was born in 1809 . He was always surrounded by the history family that had very strong interests in Science . In his family , there had been a successful physician and naturalist , Erasmus Darwin . His grandfather . As well as his father , Robert Darwin who has also been a successful physician . Since his mother died , he remembered his father most fondly . Following in his fathers footsteps , Charles Darwin decided to become a Physician . In 1825 , he became a medical doctor , but he found this job boring just like any other students around him . So he quickly decided to quit this job and find another one . Lanter on , he became a professional naturalist and dissector of animals . However , he found that a career as a physician was not for him . That evening at the dining table , he and his father had a long serious talk . Charles was frustrated and disappointed because he couldn 't find the job he wanted . But at the end of the discussion he and his father decided that he should pursue the life of a clergyman . A clergyman is a male priest or minister in the Christian Church , which has nothing to do with a physician . His days at Cambridge university was all about taking the same challenging classes with those who were aspiring to become a clergyman . But again , it wasn 't the right career for him . After he had thrown away his dream of becoming an clergyman , Darwin became a keen observer and critical investigator in geology . Nothing really happened until one day , he found an irresistible job waiting for him . A couple of scientists was about to set sail in order to survey territory in South America , and conduct scientific experiments along the way . And they were looking for someone to come with them . At that moment , Darwin was desperate to get the job . He had finally found the perfect job that he was searching for his entire life . Before anyone knew , Darwin was accepted and set sail on December 27 in 1831 . Darwin collected and categorized insects , flowers , and made observations on larger mammals . He came back from the trip in 1835 . Even after he came back , Darwin kept on investigating and researching on transmutation . Which became a staple of Darwin 's evolutionary theory . he raced to his pen and paper and wrote on his book , The Origin of Species , particularly from his memory . Many scientists and even public officials , gradually accepted Darwin 's ideas on evolution . In addition , Darwin 's work was rewarded with a first day sell - out of 1250 copies . Which was a very large printing at that time . At that moment , Darsin knew he had officially accomplished his dream of becoming an scientists . However , as that time Darwin was very , very old . And was soon buried next to another famous scientist name Isaac Newton . Until this day , Darwin has been an honored scientist that no one would ever forget . Posted by What is happening ? Thought Jeffery . When he got home , he saw the news . A scientist had eaten a carrot that had been tested , and was not yet safe . As the scientist carelessly shook his unwashed hands with many people , the disease spread . The radio was still a little broken , but that was the only way that Jeffrey and his sisters would know . . . ' ' There are three types of infections for different blood types . Stated the news anchor . ' ' For people with blood type A , the early signs were twitching . We believe symptoms that people had become zombies . " said the scientist " The first symptom is twitching , if you are blood type A either positive or negative , be cautious . Any signs of unusual nerve attacks might be a sign that you are chang - . " His voice died . In a few moments someone else continued . " We call these twitchers . The second change is for blood type O . We have identified that your skin will go unusually dry . You will start feeling dehydrated and your nails will start turning black . Some of our military forces has concluded that these are the so called lizards . They can regrow body parts that are cut off . The only way to disintegrate these creatures is to throw sugar on them . " Jeffrey heard a shifting of pages " The last creature we have encountered are the fleshers . These ones are the most horrifying . For blood type B , negative or positive , Yours nail will grow long at pointy , so that you start ripping your own skin off . " he continued . " For the blood type AB , we have not concluded anything . No disease was able to shift this blood type . As soon as we gather more information we will announce it . " at the very last word the radio went off … Jeffery was a small kid , he wasn 't capable of going out for food . He mourned over his parents , a few weeks ago his father went for food and never returned . As much as he resisted , his mother also went looking . She came back with piles of canned peaches and soup but no news . His mother hid in her room for a few days . That was the last memory he had . His mother left a note for everyone . She had been bitten by a twitcher and refused to hurt her children . Kevin , the eldest son disappeared just like his father . So Jeffrey , was left with his 9 year old sisters Susie and 17 year old sister Paisley . Not only did he already know they were running out of food , but she had to complain how hungry she was . He used to like Paisley , but now she just sounded like a brat . He tried to save every bit of food they had , but that wouldn 't do much . He would have to go looking . So he packed a bat that had nails stuck to the end . He wrapped some thick cardboard around his forearm to use it as a shield . He didnt even dare to step out of his house for a second . But what he found wasn 't that bad . The people build a community , a new one . There were no supermarkets or stores . But they built fences . The people were allowed to leave through one door . One tall lady came in with a rabit slung over her shoulder , what Jeffery was guessing where the inspectors they put a scanner right in her neck . Red light flashed until it turned green . This wasn 't ' ' the time to admire people 's work so he lined up on the exit line . His plan was to make a friend , someone tough that would likely be more able to catch anything . In his surprise he found more women than men . He thought in agony , probably all of the men disappeared like his father and brother . Since jobs werent really divided equally there were piles of snow everywhere . As clumsy as Jeffery was he tripped over one and fell on someone foot . with everything going on people started being more active . In extinc the girl kicked jeffery right in the stomach . He would have puked but there was nothing that could come out . " Im fine , " he said getting up . In his surprise she offered a hand . He thought since everything was getting more violent all the people would be too . But not to be rude he took the girls hand . He was still a little bit queasy but what distracted him was how the girl was dressed . she was small and tender , but wore black and green army style pant . Which were torn a too much to be on purpose . She had a thin black hoodie over her head despite the weather . But under that he could see knives , and a sling shot was hanging in her belt . Her brown hair was tangled in a pieces that were filled with dirt and a few leaves . " So how long ? " She asked . as awkward as he was he grunted . " how long have you been inside ? You look very oily " she said . He remembered his plan to make friends but wasn 't sure if this small girl could help much . " Yeah , before the change I used to play around with this slingshot . Im pretty good at aiming so I started going with small knives too " she mumbled . Jeffery was good at observing feeling he could see that she didn 't like fighting . And that something happened to her family , taking out the fact that she was alone . she looked like someone who would wear puffy little dresses that had daisy prints on them . " Could you teach me how to hunt , the only thing i have is this , " he lifted his nailed bat in shame . She was going to say something but they realized they were at the door . The expressionless guard said " please , do not return with items that might be infected . If you happen to be bitten do not return or you will be shot at the spot " he said . " move on " Jeff later found out the girl 's name is Clarissa but she was better known as Chris . She had and older brother . In the beginning her parents tried to escape but couldn 't . She was left with her brother . But he grew ill . She said he was still alive but everyday he looked more like a ghost . This was horrible to feel but he couldn 't help to be a little more relieved . He wasn 't the only one who lost a relative . Cris taught him to aim first by throwing sticks . He tried the slingshot but ended up with a scar in his face . His bat wasn 't much use unless a twitcher came . He used to hate the fact that he lived next to a forest , but now it seems like the best thing ever . Chris was able to kill a turkey . While she was aiming with her slingshot Jeff realized that she was way older than she looked . If her body grew according to her mind she would be about 19 . But instead she was a babyfaced 13 year old just like Jeff . Jeffery was kind of glad that he found a hunting partner . There was one time they just practiced climbing trees as fast as they could just in case of emergencies . But nothing appeared ever since Jeff stepped out . He never saw an infected . Until that day he came back with Chris . He heard screams from far ahead . It was inside the fence . " meet me in the main street with your brother in two minutes " Jeff was pretty sure she heard him because she ran faster . He saw his house around the block . He got his new made weapon . A pipe with scissors duct taped to the ends . And ran in that direction . The door was missing , he felt a wave of fear he might have fainted . Before he said anythign his nine year old sister ran down the stairs . he flung his sister in his back and did what he was told to do . But where was Paisley ? did she manage to escape , she started meeting this guy a few times . Was she with him right now ? Chris didn 't come back with her brother but instead a backpack . Jeff already knew what happened , so he didn 't ask . They both ran into the forest . " What are you waiting for ? GO " she smacked another one in the neck . Jeff made a quick belt around him and his sister , so that in case she slipped he would catch her . He started climbing the tree as quickly as possible with susie half hanging . When he looked down Chris was supporting his sister . At the top where everything was safe they stopped . He could hear lots of disturbing sound like yelling , whimpering , begging , groaning . So he tried to concentrate on Chris 's breathing . Susie hadn 't moved by the time they got up there . Dark circles were forming not only around her eyes but somewhere inside . She didn 't look sweet anymore . It 's like she put on a new mask that Jeff didn 't know about . He got her and rested her head on his chest . By the time she fell asleep Jeff did too . He woke up with his sisters shifting . There were infected people everywhere . All of a sudden , he heard guns and then zombies groaning and falling on the floor . There was what seemed to be a scientist and a few other people carrying big guns . ' ' When this is over , i 'm always going to remind myself to wash my hands and wear lab equipment . Anyway , I found a solution . There is a way to cure all the infected . I extracted some DNA from 3 of them , one for each infection , and I was able to make a cure . That 's what I put in the gun . ' ' Jeffrey noticed that it wasn 't really a gun , but it shot little viles of blue liquid . ' ' Well , actually I can 't cure all of them , only the ones who haven 't been injured , but there are still many people that can be saved . Jeffrey thought of Paisley , and Chris ' brother . ' ' Well then , ' ' said Dr . Evans , as he passed a gun to each of the kids . ' ' Let 's cure the zombies . ' It was 2050 . The scorching sun was pounding the east coast of the US . Jeff sat in his lawn chair watching his grass burst into flames for the second time that day . Jeff was tired of seeing the same thing every day . Ever since global warming started , temperatures had risen rapidly . The problem has become too bad to correct . Scientists had given up searching for a way to lower the Earth 's greenhouse gasses . Jeff was 12 when winter disappeared for ever . The only place to find snow and ice now a days was on the north and south pole . The following week Jeff came up with a plan to end the suffering he was feeling . This plan consisted of many extension cords and hair driers . First he sent out a fake document with proof that hair dryers are the reason for hair loss . On the document was the address for all recalls that can be sent back to the hair dryer companies . The turnout was ridiculous with over 2 . 3 million hair dryers sent back . The location of the address was a warehouse in Antarctica . Jeff also needed money for the preparations that he needed to make . Jeff decided to take up a job as a truck driver . He was issued a delivery of extension cords to take to his neighboring city . For the next month he delivered extension cords every day . He wasn 't delivering them to the address given to him , but to an old junkyard at the edge of his town . Jeff lived in South Carolina . He was smack right in the middle of charleston . On april 7 2050 he quit his job and began the final preparations for his plan . The hardest part of his plan was laying down thousands and thousands of mile of extension cords . He began stringing his extension cords together . He chartered a private cargo plane to depart in a week . At the end of the week the pilot helped him load the huge coil of strung extension cords onto the plane . Once over the ocean he let the extension cords go plunging into the Atlantic Ocean . After 32 pit stops for gas and 26 hours of flying they made it to Antarctica . There they landed at a base . With the spool empty Jeff stepped of the plane onto snow . For the first time in his life he saw snow . He immediately hated it . Its texture was too soft under his tough skin . After being under the sun for so long his skin was hardened . Jeff hopped into a truck to make his way to the warehouse where all the hairdryers were recalled to . He rented a semi truck and loaded up as much hairdryers as he could . After 3 days of loading he placed the last of them onto a mountain made entirely of ice . Grabbing the last of his extension cords he drove back to the base laying them down . He hooked up his last extension cord to the one connected to the US . When he finished he hopped back into the cargo plane and flew back to his hometown in the US . At last the final moment he was waiting for . He grabbed the end of the thousand and thousand long cord and plugged it into the outlet on his porch . He waited for 6 hours on his lawn chair when he finally saw a huge tidal wave above the horizon . At last 3 months later his almost impossible plan was complete . He unplugged the extension cord and watched as the tidJeff smiled to himself . He took of his shoes and waded into the water . Warmed by the sun already it was cool and not freezing like the arctic water . He looked back to his house proud of himself at what he has accomplished . He had turned his house into a waterfront property . Little did he know that his plan killed millions of people . Even though this made jeff a killer , he did end global warming when he killed half of the human race . The production of greenhouse gasses were reduced by half and gave the earth enough time to recuperate to its normal state . Posted by One day , a boy named Juan was just sitting at home playing NBA . His controller would always run low on power when he started an online game and since he had no time to charge it between games , he had a bad win - lose record . This was another one of those days . He was an average boy . He did okay in school , he liked to play video games , and he was addicted to the Ice Age history . He was almost to the end of beating a mission when he overheard his mother and father talking about a new scientific discovery . Time travel had been discovered by a scientist named Dr . Bacon . He was shocked by what he heard not just because of this sci - fi event becoming reality but by the facts he could actually visit a wooly mammoth . He was so excited , he decided to set out across the street to Dr . Bacon 's office . As he was walking over , he was thinking what he could do . He could bring back animals from that era and show them to all his friends . When he arrived , he strolled into Dr . Bacon 's lab . Dr . Bacon saw Juan and was about to call security when Juan started to explain why he was there . Both Dr . Bacon and Juan agreed after a while that they both wanted to shrink a couple of larger animals and bring them back to our current era for experimenting . So they grabbed Dr . Bacon 's shrinking machine and initiated the time travel machine . Their destination : the last ice age . When they arrived , Juan and Dr . Bacon were stunned by the impressive scenery and the fact that wooly mammoths and other cool animals strolled all around them . The area was half melted . The only flaw it was raining . They wanted to get right down to business . So they grabbed the shrinking machine and shrunk an adult male and female mammoth . They then slightly shrunk a mid - aged male and female mammoth as well as two youngsters . The final pair of mammoths they wanted to shrink were some old mammoths . At this time , the storm started to intensify and start creating lighting To do this , they needed to electrically power the shrinker as it was out of battery . They had no electricity Soon enough , they became scientific heroes . Juan had not only learned the brilliant history of the wooly mammoth and earned all this fame , but also the fact to always remember to charge your batteries . I rushed to the computer , anxious to know the answer to his question . Still wondering , he thought about his hypothesis , coming to a conclusion that it might float because of the shape , with the deck and the bow . How do boats float ? " Boats float because of a theory created by Archimedes , called the Archimedes ' Principle . When the ship is in the ocean , constant Gravity is pushing the boat downwards , just as a pebble would sink if you threw it in the water , but the water the ship is in has a constant upward force , called the Buoyant Force . Archimedes Principle is that , which means that the Buoyant Force is equal to the Weight of the Displaced Liquid . A ship will float as long as it weighs less than the amount of water the hole can displace . " Borat was at his retarded brother 's Bilo 's 10 years old party . He was really excited jumping and running around the house . Eventually , the clown of the party arrived and brought with him numberless props . Props that intrested the retarded brother Bilo . Borat started to go through the props and found a bubble machine . He turned it on and countless bubbles came out . When they flew through the air he wondered to himself , why are 1bubbles round ? With no choice he dashed into his house and asked his father , " papa , why are bubbles round ? " unfortunately he didnt know the answer . So then , Borat went to his room and surfed the net . He typed in google , Why are bubbles round ? And then thousands and thousands of answers and links pop up . Borat clicked on the first result . And read for him self , bubbles are round because " bubbles are not always perfectly round all the time , But bubbles tend to be spherical . That 's because bubbles basically are thin layers of liquid whose molecules stick together because they are attracted to one another , a phenomenon called cohesion . This creates a surface tension , a barrier that resists objects trying to move through it . Inside the layer , air molecules that are trapped and can 't get out , even though they 're pushing against the water . But that 's not the only force acting on that layer . On the outside , more air is pushing inward at them . The most better way for the liquid layer to resist those forces is to assume the most compact shape , which is a sphere , in terms of ratio of volume . And than Borat finally answered his question . He then aproached to his retarded brother Bilo , and blew bubbles at him . Information from the site : http : / / science . howstuffworks . com / innovation / science - questions / 10 - science - questions - you - should - know . htm # page = 8 Once there was a young boy around the age of 13 that was called Ji Won . Ji Won lived with his two loving parents and a sister in a nice building . He was getting ready for a bake sale on Friday for boy scouts to try and raise 1 , 200 Reais for a project they have been working on . He was in charge of his favorite snack chocolate chip muffins . He headed to his laptop and found a great recipe for a dozen muffins . As soon as he entered the kitchen he realized he needed to buy some of the ingredients , so he asked his mom for the ingredients , such as baking powder , sugar , flour , and so on . As soon as she arrived he started to mix the ingredients . " 1 / 2 a cup a sugar " , he announced as he poured it into a bowl carefully . The recipe online didn 't include how much baking powder to add it just said 1 ( It didn 't say 1 cup , 1 teaspoon , 1 tablespoon , etc . ) . So Ji Won assumed it was 1 cup as he mixed the ingredients and left it in the oven . When he arrived he found the batter spread all across the tray . He took it to his dad and asked " What happened to my muffins ? " . " I don 't know son , go ask your mom " , responded his dad , like any dad in the world would 've . The only problem was his mom went out to a bingo game at her friend 's house . He decided to call his friend Christian , since his science fair project was based on baking powder affecting baking goods . As Christian answered " Hello ? " . Ji Won was quick to ask , " Christian , what happened to my muffins that I was baking , why is it spread all across my tray ? " . Christian responded , " It is simple , as soon as you mix the wet ingredients with the baking powder it will react immediately so did you save that for last ? " . " Yes , I did but why did it spread across my tray ? " , asked Ji Won once again . " Then it must be the amount of baking powder that you mixed in , how much did you have in the batch ? " , asked Christian . " Well there wasn 't a measurement so I assumed it was 1 cup of baking powder " , said Ji Won . " There you go , see , too much baking powder was your problem , since baking powder is used to rThe End It was just going to be an ordinary space mission . The crew of 4 were going to the moon to do some more scientific observations on the last manned ship to the moon . Preparations were being made and the captain , John , was very worried that they would not be prepared on time . " I guess we shall see how it goes , " he said to himself . As the crew boarded the ship , last checks were made to make sure that everything was working properly . Everything seemed to be in order . The crew was strapped in and the door closed . LIFT OFF ! The ship took off . Everything went smoothly and pretty soon they broke free of earth 's atmosphere and were on their way . The first day of travel went well . All the controls were working well and they had clear communication back to earth . The second day is when the problems started . The instrument began showing strange readings that were not really describable . Sometimes the ship would suddenly shift or rock for no explainable reason . The communications back to earth were not getting through very well and pretty soon all contact was lost . " What is going on ? ! " asked John . He blinked his eyes . He was in a bright white room . There were no visible doors or windows . Only a plain white bed held up by metal poles . His voice echoed slightly in the empty room . He looked down and saw he was wearing a white short sleeved shirt and long white sweat pants . All of a sudden , the wall in front of the bed slid open . It was very dark outside the door so it took him a minute for his eyes to adjust . When they did , what he saw amazed him . There were huge creatures standing in the doorway . They were about 7 feet tall , all purple with huge luminescent wings . They had 4 eyes that were roughly twice as big as a humans ' with big round heads . They had wide holes instead of mouths and no visible noses . They had on pale purple tunics and long legs and arms . Their hands had 4 fingers each . They just stood in the doorway staring at him . Finally , one spoke . At least , their version of speaking . It was almost like he was speaking into his mind , but he could see slight movements of its mouth . " We are luminaries . You are on the planet Glindiny . You appeared here many a time ago . We have been taking care of you . " replied the creatures They speak our language and seem to understand where I was from , but They are obviously not human . But what else could they be ? How far away am I from earth ? " These thoughts kept swirling around in his head as well as thoughts about the crew . Although he wondered how they were , he was not worried . The creatures seemed to have no interest in hurting him . In fact , they seemed quite peaceful . They had been carrying no visible weapons . Then , again , the wall slid open . There was only one creature this time . It was hard to tell if it was the one who had spoken earlier since they all looked similar . Just to keep things organized , he decided to just think of him as the same one . " Hello again John of Earth , " the creature said . " We would like to invite you on a tour of our city . Then there will be a meal with your other friends . " They left the room and went down a narrow dark hallway . At the end was a door with a finger pad sensor . The luminary put his finger against it and the door slid open to reveal a glass elevator . The view out the back was spectacular . The building they were in was very tall . It was made of something that looked like shiny glowing lilac plastic , but it was not really plastic . It was harder and it seemed to hum with energy . The world spread out below . There were other towers , but none as large as this one . There were smaller houses down below as well as holes that seemed to sink into the planet underneath . They began a rapid descent in the elevator down to ground level . At the bottom , they got off and had a tour of the main part of the city by light of the twin suns . Once that was over , he got to see his crew and there was a feast . After this , he and the crew stayed on Glindiny for a very long time . After a while he began to realize that they should probably get back to earth . The luminary had the technology to get them back swiftly . Like teleportation . Once back on earth they realized they had actually been gone for 15 years on the planet . Everybody wondered what had happened . They kept it a secret partly because they had promised the luminary , and partly because no - one would believe them . They always remembered the luminary , and never forgot their amazing experience . Tommy the Hatter Long ago , in a town that nobody can accurately name , there was a young boy . By now he is nearly as nameless as the town that he once lived in . The only thing that keeps this namelessness away from him is the fact that we all know him from our early childhoods . He is the Mad Hatter from wonderland . However , for the sake of this story we will call him Tommy . Tommy was always a little different from other boys though not always crazy . What made him odd , you might ask . Well , that I can tell you easily . He was obsessed with hats . Women 's hats , to be precise . While other boys ran wild through the streets of the small now nameless town , Tommy scrutinized the hats of the fashionable women in town , the normal women in town , and the young girls in town becoming more fascinated by the day . When he decided to go in to the hatting business nobody was surprised . He found as many books about hatting as he possibly could and allowed himself to learn many things . One of the things Tommy found would be fundamental in his journey to insane though he did not know it yet . Mercury ( II ) nitrate is a poisonous chemical made when mercury in its elemental form is combined with concentrated nitric acid . It used to be used to treat fur in a process called carroting . Carroting was used from the 1600 's to the mid 1900 's . Now you might be wondering exactly what carroting was . Well , so was Tommy . All the books that he found on hatting didn 't elaborate much . Or perhaps they did and he didn 't have the skills to read them . Unfortunately we will never know the extent of Tommy 's reading skill so let us assume that they didn 't elaborate much . The way Tommy decided to fill the holes in his knowledge hatting was an apprenticeship . Coincidentally , the first thing he learned during his apprenticeship was carroting . He learnt that animal skins were treated with a diluted solution of mercuric nitrate and then were put into an oven until the thin fur on the sided of the pelt turned orange , like carrots . These hat making processUnknown It was a Sunday and Cody was plopped on the couch like a sack of potatoes , watching television and a commercial suddenly popped up . On the screen it had said : Redbull Energy Drink : Gives you wings ! Followed by clips of teens being very active and doing a bunch of sports . Immediately , Cody sprung up from the couch and focused on the screen very attentively . It was evident that this propaganda was directed to teens like Cody . After the commercial had passed , Cody turned off the TV and ran up to his mom . Later that day , they went to the supermarket and Cody found what he wanted : a pack of six cans of Redbull . His mom bought the package and they head back home . On the way home , Cody already had opened a can and started drinking the energy beverage . At first , Cody thought it tasted horrible because the acidity of the drink was obviously very high . He took a quick glance at the contents of the drink and he read , this drink contains : Caffeine , Vitamin B3 , Vitamin B6 , and Vitamin B12 . Because he only had read so quickly , he thought in his head : ' ' Hmm , this drink really must be good for me ! My mom drinks coffee all the time and I heard that coffee contains caffeine . Also , it contains vitamins ! No wonder it will keep me so active ! ' ' Going back home , he felt completely awake and energized until dinner time . However , while he was eating , he felt very , very sleepy all of a sudden . So then he decided to go to bed earlier today instead of playing some video games . For his breakfast , Cody would usually eat : Bread , eggs , and ham . Instead , he drank a full of can of Redbull since he had little time to go to school . Cody opened the door and slammed it shut ; next he put on his helmet and started to ride his bike to school . Differently , Cody felt more active while riding his bike and got to school a little earlier . During PE , Cody was very active and the teacher had noticed that very sudden change . At the end of class , the PE teacher had a little talk with Cody . Cody ignored that thought because he kept thinking that Redbull was really good for him to be able to focus in class . Next block , Cody was able to focus pretty well in class , and he felt confident about drinking Redbull more often . However , as the day passed , Cody was starting to feel drowsy again . For the rest of the day , Cody was feeling very tired even when riding back his bicycle home . Unfortunately , he decided to drink more Redbull when he arrived home so it could give him his energy boost . Over time , Cody 's grades were starting to go down , he couldn 't focus anymore , most of the time he always felt exhausted . Luckily , Cody remembered what his PE teacher had told him : stop drinking Redbull , research about it . He opened up his laptop , went straight to Google , and typed : Information about Redbull . Without any delay , the powerful search engine gave thousands of results and Cody clicked on the first link . It stated : ' ' As stress levels increase and sleeping stops you from studying , many teens may start to take a risky alternative , energy drinks . First of all , energy drinks such as Redbull are packed with caffeine . Not only that , but they contain other stimulating ingredients such as guarana and ginseng . Don 't forget that it also contains loads of sugar , and a 16 ounce can of Redbull contains the amount of sugar equivalent to 11 Oreo cookies ! ' ' Cody , relating back to his situation , started to realize some of the negative points of drinking Redbull . So he continued to read on : ' ' Redbull can have many side effects on you over a long period of time . For example , it can increase your heart rate and blood pressure , make you become dehydrated since caffeine is a diuretic , meaning your organs produce more urine . . . ' ' Although Cody had read only a little bit of information , he realized how Redbull and other energy drinks can be very harmful to your body because of the high levels of sugar and caffeine . Many days had passed and Cody had stopped his addiction of drinking Redbull . However , Cody had found out other alternatives of how to keep yourself awake and energetic during the day . For example , water was something he drank often since it kept him from being dehydrated and symptoms of dehydration are being very sleepy and unfocused . For the rest of the school year , Cody 's grades gradually raiseSources : |
Stephanie shot up from her bed with her heart pounding wildly . Her fists clenched the sheets , and she hugged herself to forget what she had seen . Her body trembled with a deep vulnerability that she could not escape . Bloody hands crawled up her body toward her face . Others slithered along her arms and legs , and fingers weaved through her hair , slowly engulfing her . She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the attack on her mind , but her hand wiped the sensation of blood from her skin . It 's just a dream . You 're okay . She used to have nightmares every night , but they had lessened over the years . She thought they were gone , but now they were back and more disturbing than ever . Why ? She sprawled back against the bed , and her dark brown hair swept across her face . She didn 't want to move , but she knew she had to go to work . Lifting herself up , Stephanie succeeded for a moment before her throbbing head and aching muscles caused her to collapse . Twenty - four years old but her bones felt like solid metal , impossible to infuse with life . She heaved herself upright and dragged her feet along the carpet to the bathroom . Opening the medicine cabinet , she reached for the strongest dose available . Her chin lifted , and she swallowed the prescribed medication . She caught sight of the mirror and gave a haggard sigh . Rubbing her neck , she lowered her head to splash cool water on her cheeks , then dabbed her face with a towel . She leaned closer to inspect the dark circles under her eyes . " Here we go again , " she told the mirror . If she had taken the time to look , she would have seen a heaviness in her soul , so deep that no one else could see . She reached for her cosmetic bag . Makeup did wonders . Picking up her comb , she vigorously brushed her hair . She was Stephanie Kenthal . Somehow , she 'd get through this . Things had happened that she couldn 't change . There was nothing else to do , except fight to do the best she could . # The single - story bookstore stood in the shadow of the surrounding buildings . A chill went through Stephanie , and she hesitated outside . She could hardly see inside because the front glass was covered with fliers . They were brightly colored , advertising local events , but she saw nothing bright about going inside . With a deep breath , she pushed open the door . " You 're late , " Julia announced , her lanky arms holding out a stack of books . Her long black braids made her look even younger than normal , and her dark eyes gleamed mischievously . " Not as late as you were yesterday , " Stephanie replied curtly . She knew she was being teased , but she also suspected that , as manager , Julia was gloating at arriving before her employee - for once . Stephanie passed the outstretched arms , knowing Julia wanted her to take the books . She unloaded her backpack and jacket under the counter , and prepared the cash register . " And she never lets me forget it . " Julia dropped the books on the counter . The beginning of a smile formed as her banter faded . Stephanie dragged the books toward her , annoyed but not enough for her coworker to notice . Julia was never a hard worker and seemed perfectly content to let others do her share . The only reason Julia had the job was because her grandfather owned the bookstore . " So how was your morning ? " Julia leaned across the counter , leisurely brushing the end of her braid up and down her face . " Fine . " " That 's what you always say . " " That 's what it was . Aren 't you going to open the store ? " Stephanie hoped Julia would get the hint that they were there to work , but Julia never seemed happy with facts . Sometimes , Stephanie was certain that Julia would rather hear a fascinating story rather than trueStephanie only stopped for a moment . They weren 't the words she was expecting , but she wasn 't affected either . She could have been told that the traffic was bad on the freeway , and she would have reacted the same way . She thought she should feel something , and the more Julia kept looking at her , expecting to see concern , the guiltier she felt . " Are you going ? " " No . " " Why not ? " " Julia , just drop it . " " You know he 's going to want to know why you won 't go . Couldn 't you just talk to him about it and put an end to it ? " " Not about that . " Stephanie didn 't look up . The phone rang , and Stephanie squeezed past Julia to answer . She picked up the phone . " Reaching the Horizon , this is Stephanie speaking . How may I help you ? " Julia picked up the two books Stephanie had left on the floor and began placing them on the shelf . " Calvin . . . " Stephanie said , relaxing at the sound of his voice . Julia 's head snapped toward Stephanie . " Sure ! " Stephanie nodded . " That sounds great . O … okay . See you then . " She hung up and saw Julia 's face had turned white . She would have asked what was wrong , but she already knew . She brushed her hands down her jeans as though removing the soot from Julia 's burning stare . " Breathe , " she reminded Julia . " What did he want ? " Stephanie strode back to the shelf , pulled out each book that Julia had placed , and put them in their proper places . " Don 't start , " Stephanie warned . " Why are you dating him ? I told you . He 's not a good guy ! " " I date who I want to date . I don 't need your approval . Just because , technically , you 're my boss doesn 't give you any right to my private life . " Stephanie headed for the back of the store , but Julia dashed after her with renewed energy . " I 'm talking to you as your friend . We 've worked together for years , and on that friendship , I 'm asking you to trust me . " " You still haven 't said why . " Stephanie spun around . " We keep going over this . Why shouldn 't I date him ? Until you give me a solid CHAPTER TWO " Where are we going ? " Stephanie asked as Calvin led her down the sidewalk toward the nearly deserted beach . " The shops are back there . " They passed a weighed - down truck and two shirtless men , unloading wood for a bonfire . Calvin 's Hawaiian shirt flapped in the breeze , revealing his sturdy chest through his white tank top . " Are you trying to spoil the surprise ? " he asked playfully . " No . . . . " Stephanie looked beyond Calvin to the stretch of ocean , but instead of crossing the sand to the water , they turned to the right , walking along the sidewalk , parallel to the shore . " Just give me one hint ! " " No ! " He laughed . " Not even a little one , so don 't ask again . " " I wasn 't going to . " She pretended that she could care less , but she could tell she wasn 't fooling him . " Okay , maybe I would have . " " I knew it ! " He tickled her . Stephanie laughed and darted a few feet ahead . He reached for her , but she dodged with a triumphant smile . She could never understand how Calvin managed to strip her cares away . Apart from his impressive looks , Stephanie loved the way he made her feel free . Free to say anything , free to have fun , free to laugh , free to be adventurous , and even - heaven forbid , going to the extent of Julia - free to be silly . Most of all , she was free to forget her problems , which was a huge relief compared to her previous relationships . Calvin was everything she wanted . They first met when Stephanie came to his firm on behalf of the bookstore . A customer was " attacked " by a bird outside the store . Holding Reaching the Horizon responsible for damages , she sued the store for allowing wild birds to assault customers . Fortunately , Calvin got the case dismissed because of her long history of fraud and outrageous claims . Remembering the first meeting made Stephanie smile . She was jittery enough about meeting with a lawyer . Then when he walked in and introduced himself , wow , she was a mess . She couldn 't think straight , her words wouldn 't come out , she lost all strengCHAPTER FOUR The icy breeze stung Stephanie 's cheeks as she hurried home through the dark streets from the restaurant . Clutching her coat , she rushed up the steps . Inside , she climbed the four flights of stairs to her floor . It seemed like fifteen flights tonight . Her numb fingers fumbled with the overcrowded key chain . Home sweet home . Unexpectedly , the keys slipped from her fingers and clattered on the floor . She stooped down and retrieved the keys . As she stood , she looked down the hall at the dreaded neighbor 's door and held her breath . A few moments passed , and she released a sigh . Her neighbor seemed to hate any reminder that other people lived in the building and regularly complained about the slightest disturbance . No matter how minor the offense . Stephanie inserted her key , and just as she was about to unlock the door , a gray head popped out of the door down the hall . The dreaded voice crackled , " Keep the noise down ! Do you know how much damage your ruckus does to an old woman ? " Stephanie swallowed the sour taste in her mouth . Before she had turned completely , Mrs . Averad continued , " Of course , you don 't . You don 't care ! I hope people treat you like this when you 're old . " The old woman slammed the door , making more noise than Stephanie had made . She groaned and opened the door . Relief swept over Stephanie as she closed the door and set her keys on the counter . Her coat slipped to the floor , and she headed to the bedroom . What a night ! She thought about her dinner with Calvin . I can 't believe I thought he was going to - of course , it wouldn 't happen . You didn 't have to be so jumpy . Getting a raise was a good thing . He should be proud . Then again , he didn 't have to make it seem like a proposal . She cast herself across the bed as she remembered how the cab blew a tire , and she ended up walking home . But what really bothered her was Calvin 's phone call . Who was it , and why was the call so important ? He had called a taxi to get her home . If she didn 't know better , she would have thought the voice sound # Stephanie could not shake the strange feeling that had dampened her mood all day , even during the game with Calvin . She sat alone on the couch , munching on popcorn and replaying Kevin 's unexpected visit in her head . This is stupid ! Think of something else … of what ? With a grunt , she sprang to her feet to call Holly . She couldn 't spend the weekend alone like this . She needed to do something , be around people , and get away from her thoughts . " Hey Holly , I was wondering what you are doing tomorrow . Hoping we could hang out . . . . Oh , dinner with your parents . Okay well . . . . No , I wouldn 't want to be a bother . . . . But it 's your family . " Stephanie hesitated at the idea of visiting family , but she knew she needed to get away ; so when Holly insisted , she agreed to join her . # Stephanie knocked on the apartment door . Holly 's roommates were gone , and Holly mentioned on the phone that there might be some time before they head to her parent 's for dinner . Stephanie really hoped so . She heard a faint call to come in and opened the door . She stopped . Holly wasn 't in the room , but lying on the floor was a little girl hovering over her coloring book . Her sun - streaked hair parted as she looked up and smiled . " You wanta see my picture ? " she asked , holding up her drawing . A child ? Stephanie 's heart pounded . She expected Holly to be alone , and she didn 't have much experience around children . " Holly - " she called out as she glanced around for help . " I 'll be right there , " she heard from the bathroom . The innocent eyes didn 't move . " It 's nice , " she told the girl without taking a step closer . " She 's a mermaid . " The girl giggled as she enthusiastically went back to coloring . Stephanie timidly closed the door and gnawed her lip as she stood waiting . When Holly finally came out , she offered Stephanie a lemonade . Stephanie accepted , and Holly led the way to the kitchen . " Who 's that ? " Holly reached for the cupboard . " That 's Grace , my little sister . " " I didn 't know you had a sister . CHAPTER FIVE / 20 The seat belt dug into Stephanie 's neck , and she shifted to find a more comfortable position . " Hey , about the other day , running out of the coffee shop . I uh . . . . " She didn 't finish her apology . " Forget it . " Holly checked her rear - view mirror . " I know how frustrating things can get when it feels like your friends are against you . " " Yeah , try the world , " Stephanie snickered under her breath , then said louder , " Calvin got a promotion the other day . " " Good . " Holly nodded as she changed lanes . " You know he 's really amazing . He 's committed and great at his job . He 's always saying how amazing and beautiful I am . He 's so good , I don 't know why people don 't see the man I see . Why is everyone , always , in other people 's business ? " " Everyone and always … strong words , " Holly said . " I don 't think I can speak for everyone , but in this case , maybe the people who don 't know Calvin know you , and what they see does not look good for your future . " " It 's because he 's a lawyer , right ? Why would a lawyer be serious about me ? That 's it , isn 't - " " No , and you know it ! All I was saying was maybe you 're not ready for the right guy . " " But that 's my decision . " " And you 've made it . But the wise seek out wisdom . " Stephanie fiddled with her seat belt as they drove in silence , until she asked hesitantly , " So what 's Cindy 's story ? " Holly breathed deeply . " The short version would be a young girl who made a mistake . She thought she was in love , got pregnant , and was disowned by her wealthy parents because she didn 't take care of the problem . " " Oh . . . " Stephanie glanced out the window . Holly shook her head sadly . " They 'd rather hide her mistake than encourage her to make it right . " " Well , to each his own . " Stephanie shrugged . " What do you mean ? " " I mean I 'm not going to fret about it . They made their choice , and she made hers . " Holly looked puzzled for a minute , then jerked the wheel to the left . " What are you doing ? " Stephanie brCHAPTER SIX Stephanie peered through the cemetery gate from outside . The rain poured down all around her , and she held her umbrella steady . Hi , Mom . She gripped the umbrella handle tightly . Seven years ago today , they laid her mother in the ground . She remembered hearing children playing in the park that day , next to the cemetery . Their joyous sounds didn 't seem right . How could they be so happy , while the ache inside her dug deeper ? I miss you so much . Stephanie slowly turned away as the rain poured down harder . She walked to the curb and looked both ways before crossing . Reaching the other side , a honk sounded down the road . She peered toward the car that had signaled to her . As it pulled up , she didn 't recognize the driver or the person in the front seat . The door opened , and Kevin popped up out of the backseat , dressed in his church clothes . " What are you doing out in the rain ? " he called out . " I should ask you the same question . " He smiled . " Where are you headed ? We could give you a ride . " " No thanks . I 'd rather walk . " From inside the car , his friends protested that they were getting wet , so he stepped out and closed the door . " How long were you out there ? " He walked toward her . " Excuse me ? " She asked with a tilt of her head . " Where 's your umbrella ? " " Don 't have one . " He stopped in front of her . " How long were you standing there ? " " Were you watching me ? " He chuckled . " It 's not every day you see a pretty girl staring into a cemetery . " " You 're getting soaked . " " And you 're avoiding my question . " " I went to visit my mom . " " In the rain ? " She didn 't answer . " Why didn 't you go inside ? " he asked . " Why so curious ? " " I 'm not . " " You sound like you are . " " Well , when someone 's acting curiously , people get curious . " " Then you are curious . " His friends honked the horn , and he gestured for them to go without him . " Who are they ? " she asked as they drove away . His eyes twinkled . " Why so curious ? " She glanced away , but she couCHAPTER SEVEN All the customers were gone , and Stephanie picked up the book to find her place . She could see the whole situation . Della 's long hair was her pride and joy , but she sold her hair to buy a chain for Jim 's pocket - watch for a Christmas present . It was his grandfather 's watch , and Jim 's most prized possession . The chain would be perfect . She couldn 't wait to see his reaction when he saw his gift ! Jim stood dumbfounded , looking at his wife 's short hair . She tried to explain that she had to get him a present for Christmas , but all he could say was , " You 've cut your hair ? " " I 'm sorry . " He pulled out a package from his overcoat and threw it on the table to explain his reaction . Eagerly , she opened her gift and squealed with delight when she found the hair combs she had drooled over for months , never thinking she would own them . They were expensive combs , and as newlyweds , they didn 't have money to spare . She hugged them to her bosom . " My hair grows so fast Jim ! " Beaming , she held out the chain for his grandfather 's watch . " Isn 't it dandy , Jim ? I hunted all over town to find it . You 'll have to look at the time a hundred times a day now . Give me your watch . I want to see how it looks on it . " Jim toppled down onto the couch and put his hands behind his head . " Dell , " he said , " let 's put our Christmas presents away and keep ' em a while . They 're too nice to use just at present . I sold the watch to get the money to buy your combs . And now suppose you put the chops on . " Stephanie slowly closed the book and thought about The Gift of the Magi . How appropriate that Christmas was almost here . She had an idea . # Her anxious knuckles rapped on Calvin 's door . Stephanie took a deep breath . She couldn 't wait to see the look on Calvin 's face when he opened his gift . Last night , he had invited her to stay the night with him and have an early Christmas morning together , but she declined , saying she had something special she wanted to bring with her . She could see the disappointment on his face . If she wasn 't careful , she would have no more excuses of why she wouldn 't spend the night . Calvin opened the door , and he dangled a piece of mistletoe over his head . She laughed and went to him , giving him a long kiss . " Good morning , " she said . He inhaled as though breathing her in and kissed her again as he lifted her off the ground with one arm . He gave the door a shove and shuffled inside . " Merry Christmas , " he said , setting her down . " You act like you haven 't seen me in forever . " She snuggled against his chest , enjoying the smell of his cologne . He smiled . " Breakfast is ready . Have you eaten ? " He headed for the kitchen . She slipped off her jacket . " It smells good . You really went all out . " She noticed the Christmas decorations on the tree , and two stockings hanging over the fireplace . " Only the best for my girl . " He scooped the omelet onto a plate , and together , they sat down to eat . When they finished , a sparkle shone in her eye . " Are you ready for your gift ? " she asked . " Ready . " He pushed away from the table . She jumped up and fished a package out of her jacket pocket . She motioned for him to sit on the couch , and he did . " This is something I hope you 'll like . It 's something that 's very special to me . " She sat down , facing him . " Calvin , I 've been through a lot in my life , and when I met you , I was so done with … " The lump rose in her throat , and she tried to gulp it down . He put his finger to her lips . " You 've been hurt . So I waiCHAPTER EIGHT Nine o ' clock and late ! Stephanie rushed through the streets toward the bookstore . What was wrong with her ? How could she be late again ? Breathing heavily , Stephanie pushed through the doors and braced herself for more gloating about her tardiness . To her surprise , Stephanie found Julia too busy to notice . Full of giggles , Julia gazed up at Kevin , who freely talked with her seemingly unaware of the adoring eyes staring back at him . But Stephanie saw , and she didn 't like what she saw . Kevin turned at the sound of the bell . " Hey , I tried calling you , but you didn 't pick up . " He came towards her . " I don 't want to talk about it , Kevin . " Stephanie walked around the counter and bent down to stuff her bag in the cupboard . Julia retreated to the back room . " Okay … but it sounded like you really needed help . " " I don 't . " She stood and turned on the cash register . " Munchkin , I don 't think Calvin 's - " " What ? " Stephanie whirled around to face him . " You don 't think he 's what ? " " I don 't think he 's what you really want . " She shook her head in amazement . " You think you have all the answers , don 't you ? If only I 'd listen to you , you could fix all my problems . Well , guess what Kevin ? Sometimes people don 't want to be fixed . " " I 'm not trying to fix you . " " Yes , you are ! You feel sorry for me , and you want to help . " " I do want to help . If there is something wrong , why not let someone help make it better ? " " I don 't want you to fix me ! Sometimes , it 's nice to believe that there 's not something wrong . It lets you hope and believe that someday someone will find you good enough . " " But - " " Go away , Kevin . Just go away . " He nodded . " I will , but I want you to know I want good things for you . I hope someday , you 'll believe me . " After he left , Stephanie slowly lifted her sleeve . She looked at the cuts on her arm and quickly covered them again before anyone could see . # Later that afternoon , a sharp ring from the bell , announced another arrival , Stephanie slammed the receiver down harder than she intended . She glanced around to make sure Julia wasn 't around . Calvin hadn 't answered her calls for months . She knew he wanted her to come to him , but she also knew what would happen if she did . She had been careful all this time , what would happen if she broke her plan now ? Would he turn out the same as her other boyfriends ? Would he abandon her ? Would he find her not worth it ? Last night , her nightmares woke her again , and she had more cuts on her arms . She wore a long - sleeve shirt to work today , but at least things were back to normal between her and Kevin . He had apologized for communicating that he wanted to fix her , and she often found herself calling him when Calvin didn 't pick up . They 'd go for lunch , talk , or visit Sam . Stephanie moved over as Julia joined her behind the counter . Julia crouched down to retrieve her purse and rifle through the contents . The bell dinged , and two customers walked inside . Stephanie watched as the young man strutted alongside the girl he obviously liked . But his pants hung so low that his boxers could no longer be called underwear . The young woman headed straight for the bookshelf , perusing the titles as he chatted aloud with his chest puffed out . " This is going to kill me , " she interrupted with a groan , running her finger down her list . " I hate literature classes . Will you help me find these books ? " She handed him a list . " Some good books . " He nodded his approval as he swaggered toward the shelf to look . " I didn 't know you read books . " " Yup , my favorite 's Pride . . . and Persuasion . " " That 's Pride and Prejudice . " " No , it ain 't . " He pointed to her list of books . " I ain 't the one who called Moby a Hick . " " No , Moby Dick . " " That guy . . . " he gestured as though impressed , " is eunuch . You want to know what 's eunuch about that guy ? " he asked , thrilled to have her full attention . " His Great Exploration . " He laughed . " That was a good story , how the kid couldn 't get the girl becaus * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A few weeks passed , and every time Stephanie called Calvin , he was busy with work . He had never been so busy before . What if her friends were right ? What if he didn 't care ? What if she had dreamed and hoped he would , but he never really did ? What if all he wanted was to " make love " and now that she had given in , she was useless ? Again . Stephanie tried calling Holly and then Kevin . Neither answered their phone . There was one more person she could try . Stephanie hurried into the kitchen and found a glass measuring cup . Opening the door , she went down the hall and almost knocked . . . when doubt flickered . No . She was doing this ! Knock - knock , she held her breath . No answer . So much the better , she started to leave . The door creaked open , and a pair of eyes glared at the intruder like a watchdog . Mrs . Averad softened , but only slightly , when she recognized the disturber of her solitude . " What do you want ? " " I 'm out of sugar . " Stephanie pathetically held up the glass cup . The old woman 's eyes scanned Stephanie from top to bottom . She nodded as though her visitor passed the security check , and she receded into her apartment , leaving the door open . She didn 't say a word as an invitation to follow , but Stephanie guessed the open door was a hint . Timidly , she followed and closed the door behind her . Mrs . Averad passed her kitchen and hobbled into the living room . With a grueling effort , she lowered herself into her recliner . " So what do you want ? " Stephanie started to explain again about the sugar , but the old woman said , " You didn 't come to borrow sugar , so out with it ! " " I didn 't want to be alone . " Stephanie shrugged . The old woman snickered . " You 'll get used to it . " Stephanie sat for a moment . " I 'm not sure I want to get used to it , " she said quietly . " Then go make things right with him . " " Calvin 's not answering . " " I 'm not taking about your lawyer boyfriend . He 's not the one who makes your eyes spark when you talk about him . " " Kevin ? " SCHAPTER TEN Calvin swayed slightly as he came down the hallway . He grinned as he replayed the night in his mind . His escorts knew how to get a man excited , and he would pay to spend more evenings in their company , especially now . He knew things were over between him and Stephanie , but they had a good run . It was time to move on and see what would come next , although he dreaded and prepared himself for the inevitable explosion . She would cry , or yell at him , try to make him feel small and dirty , but he was ready . No matter how hard she tried , she wouldn 't make him feel guilty . A man had his needs . He unlocked the door and tripped as he came into the dark room . With a curse , he reached for the light switch and stopped . Staring at the lit candles set out on the table , he drew near . The finest dishes decorated the table , and he picked up the bottle of champagne . Soft music played , and he turned around to see who was there . Stephanie emerged , dressed in a shimmering , ruby - red gown and holding a lit candle . " Welcome home . " She smiled and set the light on the table . He swallowed in surprise . The dress accentuated her figure beautifully . Taking the bottle from his hand , she set it on the table . " Dinner 's all ready . It 's your favorite , " she said in a smooth tone , making him slowly melt like the dripping candle . " Juicy prime rib for you , and stuffed chicken with a special mushroom sauce for me . " She drew near and slipped off his jacket . He sat down with her and waited for the inevitable mood shift . With a soft smile , she began to eat . He looked down at his food and wondered if poison had a distinct odor and taste , or if he would die clueless . He cut a small piece to nibble , still watching her closely . They ate in silence as the music played . He tried to act normal . Maybe he was wrong , and she hadn 't seen him . But she had to have seen . He was right there ! Besides , he knew better . The claws would come out eventually . He needed to be alert when they did . Before they had finished eating , Stephanie stood and took hold oCHAPTER ELEVENKevin was on his way as soon as Holly told him what happened . Get in , get out . That 's what he needed to do before he lost all self - control . He knocked , fairly certain he had the right address . When Calvin opened the door , he looked startled to see his visitor . " What do you want ? " he asked . " Where is it ? " " Where 's what ? " Kevin pushed past him . " Don 't make this more difficult than it needs to be . Where 's the medal ? " Calvin gave a satisfied nod . " I see . Her knight in shining armor has finally come to do battle . " Kevin grabbed his shirt and jerked him . " Where is it ? " " Ooh , kind of rough for a Jesus man , don 't you think ? " Calvin 's mocking grin caused Kevin to shove him against the wall . " You never saw Him in the temple ! " He threw him to the ground . " Now get it , and don 't make me ask again ! " Calvin scooted back as he glared up at the man watching him . His jaw clenched , and Calvin slowly got to his feet . Holding himself proudly , he strolled around the couch and reached down to pick up something from the end table . He looked at the metal in his hand . " This is what you 've wanted from the beginning , isn 't it ? Doesn 't it just kill you , she gave it to me instead of you ? " " Hand it over . " " You think you can demand it ? You come here , hoping to win her heart because you forced me to give you this ? She 'll see right through it . " " It 's not mine to keep , any more than it 's yours to have . " " How noble . Do you even know where she is ? " When Kevin didn 't answer , Calvin gave a devilish smile , savoring that he knew something Kevin didn 't . Calvin came toward him . " Women are tricky , aren 't they ? The minute you care is the minute you lose them . " He dangled the medal in the air , and Kevin snatched it from him . Kevin charged for the door , but Calvin called out behind him . " If you 're so desperate to save her , you can find her at the abortion clinic . " Kevin stopped abruptly and a rewarding smile came to Calvin 's face . " Welcome to heIt 's dark , and I can 't see anything . All I feel is something warm in front , below , all around me . It feels safe . I wonder what it 'll be like outside . Won 't that be exciting ? I 'll stretch my limbs and breathe the fresh air , run around the yard , laughing with other kids . Will the neighbors like me ? Maybe we 'll play Cowboys and Indians and have a sleepover . Sometimes I can almost feel the thrill of jumping on a trampoline or playing in the sand on the beach . Then there 's being with them , getting tossed into the air by him or caressed by her ? I 'll walk to school every day , and they 'll talk about how big I 'm getting . Before you know it , I 'll meet someone , and Mom will cry on our special day . We 'll buy a house and a car . I 'm going to be a court judge or a musician , a reporter , a doctor - I don 't know . The possibilities are endless ! But my life will be great no matter what I do . What 's that ? I think it 's her voice , but who is she talking to ? What won 't hurt , and what 's a blastocyst ? Why does he want to get rid of it ? Wait , Me ! I 'm just a lump of cells ? Wait - no , no , no this can 't be happening , I 'm more than what you see . Whatever you call me , it doesn 't change who I am . Stop it ! Don 't listen to him . I have a future ! I know it doesn 't look like I 'll be able to run and play , but my legs will develop , my arms too . My head may not look like what you 're expecting , but give me time . I 'll be able to think , observe , and learn . You call me a lump of cells , and therefore , I am not human ? But sir , leave me alone , and with time , I 'll look , think , feel , and move just like you ! Mom , I know you 're scared . I am too , but give me a chance . Maybe our lives won 't be perfect . I 'll have difficult days , and I 'll make you cry . But we 'll make sugar cookies together at Christmas and hang lights on our tree . I know you feel like you 're out of options . You feel deserted , unwanted , alone , and scared . I understand ; I feel the same way . You may think you can 't provide a decent lifThe echo of travel reverberated through the airport as Stephanie and Holly walked toward the security line . " Thanks for everything . " Stephanie stopped with her ticket in hand . " You 're welcome . " Holly gave her a hug . " Give grandma and grandpa my love . " " I will . " Holly paused before asking , " Why don 't you at least call him when you get there ? " Stephanie shook her head . " I don 't know what I 'd say . " " Tell him what you 're doing and where you are . " " I can 't . If he asks , you can tell him , but I need to do this . " Holly gently touched Stephanie 's arm . " You never know , Calvin may have loved you . " " Or he needed to win . Either way , it wasn 't enough . " Stephanie grabbed her bag and got in line for the security check . Holly called out to her . " Kevin doesn 't deserve this ! " Stephanie looked back with pain in her eyes . " Neither did I . " She continued alone through security . After boarding the plane and finding her seat , she closed her eyes and slept through the flight . * * * * * * * * * * No one was around . Dalton walked toward the old , cream - colored house , casually but alertly . Avoiding the streetlight overhead , he leaned against the car as though waiting for his ride . He promised Angie he 'd call if anything looked suspicious . She knew he used to work with an overseas rescue organization for girls in prostitution , but she worried about him . " Psst . . . " someone signaled in the dark . He glanced behind him and saw an old woman against her fence . She beckoned to him . With a quick look around him , he came near . " You waitin ' for the girls ? " She motioned toward the house across the street . " Should I be ? " " You ain 't a customer , is you ? " She peered at him closely . " Most johns go in there . Figured you might be having second thoughts . " " No , I was hoping to see … a friend of mine . " " She the new girl ? " He stopped from saying no . " Uh yeah … the new girl , have you seen her ? " " Not since they brought her in late last night . Didn 't count on anybody being up . I wouldn 't a been , ' cept I got the runs . Saw ' em bring her in from my bathroom window . Might be too late , she prob ' ly gone now . Some stay . Some they take other places . " " Where would they take her ? " The old woman shrugged . " Wherever they need her . " " Did she look like this ? " He pulled out the picture of the runaway girl . She squinted at the photo . " I don 't know . Pretty much saw the back ' a her anyhow . " " Did you call for help ? " The old woman looked at him as if he was crazy . " You don 't live around here . " " No , not in this neighborhood . Is it a gang that scares you ? " " Hon ' y , go home while you still can . Tha 's all I 'm saying . " She threw her hands up in the air and retreated into her house . Dalton pulled out his cell phone and called Angie . He gave her the address and told her what he knew . As he drew near the house , a sound like someone crying came from behind the fence . " I 'll call you back . " He hung up the phone , and slowly crept to the peeling white fence . CHAPTER THIRTEEN Stephanie was up earlier than usual as she strolled along the fence next to the feed shed . Three of the younger alpacas trotted to where she stood . They took turns lowering their necks and sniffing her fingers through the fence , but the sudden movement of her hand startled them , and they scampered away . She smiled when curiosity drew the fawn - colored alpaca back . Stephanie crouched down . The animal 's dark eyes stared at her and the upper lip parted to reveal its upper palate , which had no teeth . The only row of teeth was on the bottom . Through the fence , the alpaca brushed her face . " Hey girl . " Stephanie laughed when the animal blew puffs of air against her cheek . She returned the greeting by blowing a soft stream of air back . " Her name 's Buttercup . " She jumped up and spun around . " Didn 't mean to scare you , " Troy said as he joined her alongside the fence . Buttercup had retreated to the group that stood watching Troy and Stephanie . " Buttercup ? " Stephanie leaned forward against the fence . " Grandma insisted . It 's her favorite flower . Do you want to go in ? " Stephanie shrugged . " Why not . " Troy lifted the metal latch and swung the gate open . They stepped inside and several alpacas approached . Buttercup was the first . " She 's certainly curious . " Stephanie reached out to pet her , but the alpaca jerked its head away . " They 're a little head shy . Try petting her at the base of the neck . " Stephanie tried , but Buttercup darted away again . " You 're too fast . " Troy crouched down to the same level as the animals . " You have to be patient and let them come to you . Alpacas can be skittish . " " It 's smart - " Stephanie squatted down next to him , " to be cautious . " She slowly held out her hand , and Buttercup timidly returned . Some of Buttercup 's friends trailed behind her . " Sometimes . " Troy gently sunk his hand into an animal 's plush , white fleece . " This is Snowflake . " " Buttercup and Snowflake ? " Stephanie gave him a peculiar look . " Hey , I didn 't pick the namLike a child , Stephanie trailed after Gus as he worked . " So why do you have llamas , not just alpacas ? " " Llamas are guard animals . " Unlatching the gate , he went in and held it open . Stephanie followed and he closed it behind her . " Between them and the dogs , they keep the alpacas safe from predators . Alpacas are the business , raised for their fiber . Once a year , we shear them like you do sheep . " He continued along the fence . " How do you tell the difference ? They look the same to me . " " Llamas are larger and have coarser fleece . See this one here . " He pointed to the animal closest to them . " She 's a llama . She 's larger than the others and her back doesn 't curve down toward her neck as much as alpacas do . " Reaching down for the water bucket , he dumped out the dirty water and immediately the automatic device began to refill with fresh water . She watched the llama as the animal sniffed the stream of dirty water . " Why do you say alpacas are nicer than llamas ? " Gus stood and shook the water from his hand . The llama 's ears laid back against her head . Without any warning , the llama spit in Gus ' face . He spun away with a disgusted cough . " That 's why ! " Stephanie burst out laughing as the llama strutted away . He tried to wipe the green gunk from his cheek . " I 've gotten in the way when alpacas spit at each other , but they 've never purposely done that to me . Uh … I 'm gonna wash up . " Gus staggered away in search of a water hose . Left alone , Stephanie caught sight of Bella and walked over to her pen . " Hey , girl . " She clicked her tongue . " You want some grain ? " Lifting the lid to the steel can , she got a handful of grain and closed the container . " Here you go . " She held out her hand . " It 's good . I promise . " Bella refused to come . But Stephanie didn 't give up . Over the months , she came in Bella 's pen every morning offering grain , and every morning Bella kept her distance . Someday … someday , she would break through . Meanwhile , a blur of new activities filled heCHAPTER FIFTEEN She was the perfect target . Eleven years old , thick brown hair , and trusting hazel eyes . A beautiful girl who didn 't know she was beautiful . Little Stephanie sat by herself on the swing as the other children played in the distance . That 's what she was … distant . Her eyes were hungry to join the others . She wanted to be included , to be in the midst of them , but she didn 't think they would want her . But he saw her . He could see the weight of worthlessness that hung about her like a heavy blanket - thick and scratchy with the appearance of comfort . She stopped watching and attempted to swing . If she couldn 't have what she wanted , she was going to force herself to have fun regardless . She pumped her little legs and strained to get enough momentum . She wanted to soar , to lift her spirit , and to fill her heart with something other than the empty ache that refused to leave . She didn 't get very high , but she kept trying . He had to admire her for that . So many others didn 't even try . They just watched , wishing someone would invite them . Wishing someone would come along , see them , and want them to join . He was that one . He knew what their heart longed for , and he knew he could convince them that they were wanted . For a brief moment , all their wishes would come true . He would lure them into thinking that he had something special to offer them , and before they realized the truth , they were trapped . But she was special . He knew that from the start . He could see strength in her spirit that kept her trying - kept her fighting - despite the lonely heart that weighed her down . She was no ordinary girl , even if she saw herself as less than ordinary . What he saw made him want her all the more . He had plenty of girls working for him , but he wanted this one , if not for the business , then for himself . She would be his prize that he 'd only share for top dollar . He 'd been watching for several months now . He knew what grade she was in ; he knew where she lived . He knew who her father was and what he did for a living . He learned what he CHAPTER SIXTEEN Stephanie was up before everyone . She had done the research she needed , so with directions and keys in her hand , she slipped out of the house and headed for the truck . She opened the truck door . " You 're up kind of early , aren 't you ? " With a jump , she looked back at Troy leaning on his shovel handle . " I have an errand . I 'll be back . " She started to climb inside . " Before dawn ? So they won 't know you 're gone , or so they can 't stop you ? " She glared at him . " What 's your problem ? I can leave if I need to . " " That depends on the errand . " " It 's my business . " " It 's my truck . " " That 's ridiculous ! " She climbed inside and inserted the key . But before she could start the engine , Troy had jumped in the passenger 's seat . " What are you doing ? " She eyed him suspiciously . " What 's going on ? " " Nothing . " He gave her warning look as though he knew she was lying . " It 's personal . Okay ? " " Stephanie , they told me . Grandma and grandpa thought I should know in case you decided to do something like this . " " This is none of your business . Get out ! " He didn 't move . " I said , get out ! " Stephanie thrust open the door and bolted out in a rage . Troy scrambled out as she rounded the front of the vehicle . She flew at him , pushing him repeatedly . " How dare you ! You can 't keep me here . This is my decision , my life ! " Troy backed up , putting his hands up as a shield . " Hold it . Wait , wait ! " She gave him one last shove , knocking him to the ground . " It 's my body ! Not yours , mine ! " Troy jumped to his feet as she headed back to the driver 's side . He rounded the bed of the truck and arrived first . Bracing himself against the door , he firmly grabbed her shoulders to calm her down . " Stephanie , stop ! Listen to me ! I know . You 're right . It is your body , but there 's another body in you , a completely separate person , who is relying on you for life . Your dad screwed up , but don 't punish your child - or you 'll be exactly like him ! " His words punched her inCHAPTER SEVENTEEN Grandma Helen held out the cordless phone to Stephanie . " It 's Holly . " Stephanie eagerly took the phone and disappeared down the stairs to her room . " Hi Holly ! No more phone tag . . . I know it 's good to hear from you too . I 'm doing fine . . . I like it . Your grandparents are great . How are you ? " She stopped in the middle of the room . " Really ? You met someone ? " Stephanie made her way to the bed and lowered herself down . " How did you meet him ? " She listened as Holly explained that she met the guy at Kevin 's surprise birthday party . They talked the entire night , and at the end of the night , he asked her out . Holly told him that she chose not to date , but if he would like to get to know her better , he could come to a Sunday afternoon barbeque at her parents ' house . Stephanie could hear the excitement in Holly 's voice as she shared how she and her parents really liked this man . But Stephanie 's heart sank lower . Not Holly - did she have to bear losing Holly too ? As she listened , she could imagine how Holly must be glowing . " What 's his name ? David . A good name . . . so he 's a friend of Kevin ? How is he ? " " No , uh . . . I meant how 's Kevin doing ? " Stephanie nodded gravely . " I wouldn 't know what to write . Video chat ? I didn 't think about that . . . " Stephanie listened . Grabbing a paper and pen , she wrote down the username Holly recited . " Maybe I 'll try to chat if I see him online . . . . What ? " She waited as Holly repeated what she said . Stephanie snickered . " Julia 's really after him , huh ? Well , Kevin 's smarter than that . I don 't think it 'll work . " She hesitated before asking , " Have you seen Calvin ? " She gave a disgusted look . " I 'm sure he 's enjoying their company . What 's that ? Oh , I don 't think he 'd ever admit to feeling bitter . That 's why he needs the escorts to make him feel better , so he doesn 't have to see it . " " Me ? I 'm . . . doing the best I can . I got to go , but I 'll talk to you later , okay ? Okay , bye . " Stephanie sat on her bed without moving , slowly slipping CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Stephanie clenched the hand of the person beside her . Her muscles crunched , and her lips puckered as she blew out a steady stream of air . Sweat framed her face . Grandma Helen watched the monitor , coaching her through the contractions . The doctor had given her corticosteroids when they arrived to delay the delivery for as long as possible , but that was nearly forty - three hours ago . " The baby 's coming . " Grandma Helen gripped Stephanie 's hand in excitement . " I 'll go get the doctor , " the nurse announced . She returned with the doctor , and he checked Stephanie 's progress . She squeezed her eyes shut as she released another long breath . The intensity of the contractions had increased and the duration overlapped . She wasn 't sure when one contraction ended and the other began . " We can 't delay any longer . Stephanie , I 'm going to coach you through this , okay . Just relax and do what I say . Okay , now gently push . That 's good . Keep breathing . Now push hard . Hard , hard . Good , breathe . Let 's go again . " Stephanie tried to keep her mind on two things , pushing when the doctor said and breathing . Grandma Helen squeezed her hand to remind her that she was there , but Stephanie focused all her energy on controlling the pain . She panted as one contraction rose sharply . " You 're doing great . Keep breathing it out . I see a little head coming . " As soon as the baby 's head emerged and rotated face - up , the doctor checked to make sure the umbilical cord wasn 't wrapped around the baby 's neck and then began cleaning out the baby 's airway . He encouraged Stephanie to push again and the rest of the body appeared . Stephanie gave the final push , and the doctor smiled . " It 's a boy . " He placed clamps on the umbilical cord and snipped the cord . Laying the baby on his mother 's chest , he put his hand on Stephanie 's shoulder . " He 's beautiful . " The doctor briefly spoke to the nurse before leaving . Stephanie knew she only had a few moments before the nurse would put the baby in the incubator until he was more deCHAPTER NINETEEN Her eyelids bobbed open and shut as her surroundings hazily came back . " Here she comes , " the nurse smiled . " Honey , are you alright ? " Grandma Helen 's voice sounded distressed , meanwhile Grandpa Earl leaned over the hospital bed to examine her . " I … I 'm not sure . " She blinked to focus her eyes . " That 's natural . " The nurse touched Stephanie 's arm . " Don 't exert yourself . Relax . I 'll be back to check on you in a little while . " Grandpa Earl followed her out , asking her when they could take her home . Grandma Helen stroked Stephanie 's hand . " You gave us quite a scare . " Stephanie glanced around the room . " Where 's Troy ? " " He 's outside . Can I get you anything ? Do you need water ? " " That 'd be nice . " Grandma Helen hurried out of the room , leaving Stephanie alone . She looked up at the ceiling as the full weight of what she had done dawned on her . She thought about the emotional fog she had been in last night , and suddenly , Bella flashed in her mind . What if she had succeeded in killing herself , and there was a God who had purchased her from the abuse of sin ? She would be facing Him right now . Memories of how she spent every morning waiting for Bella to let her get close flooded her mind . She had wanted to win Bella 's trust and see her heal . She had wanted to be good to her . What if He was waiting for the same thing ? What would she have said to Him ? What defense could she possibly have given ? The reality of what she could have been facing right now shook her . Grandma Helen came back in . " Here you are . " She helped Stephanie sip the cool liquid . Over the next hour , people from the hospital questioned Stephanie to determine if she could go home . When they found her mind to be sound , they released her into the elderly couples ' care , and they wheeled Stephanie through the hospital doors to the waiting vehicles . Gus sat anxiously waiting in Troy 's truck , and Troy stood outside , holding Matthew . He charged up to Stephanie . " How could you do this ? " " Troy ! " Grandma Helen sCHAPTER TWENTY Troy emerged from the barn and headed to where Stephanie waited . " Gus said Matthew 's in the house , " he told her . They both looked to the house and noticed the lights shining through the kitchen window . " Do you think they 're waiting for us ? " Stephanie asked . " Probably . " Troy 's jawline flexed . " Come on . " He took her hand . Together , they slipped inside and found Grandpa Earl sitting on the bar stool while Grandma Helen cleaned the kitchen . " Where have you been ? " Grandpa Earl folded his arms across his chest . Troy closed the door behind them . " We took a walk down to the creek . " " Gus said Matthew 's here . " Stephanie headed out of the room to find him . " He 's in bed . Stephanie , if you don 't mind , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd stay . " Grandpa Earl glanced at his wife . " We need to talk to both of you . " Stephanie quietly took a seat . Troy crossed his arms and leaned against the wall . " What is it ? " " We don 't like what 's going on between you two . Running away all the time , not telling us where you are going , and going off alone where no one can find you . " " Grandpa , " Troy tried to explain , " it 's not like that . " " I don 't like it . " Troy 's chest swelled . " Well , maybe I make my own decisions ! " He snapped harsher than he intended , and both his grandparents looked shocked . Stephanie shrunk as though she wished she could disappear . Grandma Helen lowered the dried plate in her hand to the counter . " That was very disrespectful . " " It 's true though , " Troy muttered loud enough for them to hear . Grandpa Earl spoke firmly . " The point , young man , is truth can be spoken in love and respect . Instead your tone hurt your grandma . What 's gotten into you ? " Troy didn 't answer . " If you feel that we 've wronged you , " Grandpa Earl continued , " we need to know what we 've done . " " Forget it ! It 's not important . " Grandpa Earl 's hawk - like eyes narrowed as though weighing whether his grandson was telling him the truth or not . Stephanie took the moment to CHAPTER TWENTY - ONE Troy lifted Stephanie 's bag into the bed of the truck . The early morning air nipped at his nose , and the ground crunched beneath his feet as he walked on thin patches of ice . Stephanie crept toward the truck , and they both slid inside . Troy winced as he started the engine . Flipping on the low lights , he spun the wheel and slithered down the road . The couple relaxed as the ranch disappeared in the rear - view mirror . They would be back before anyone was up , but they would be married . " I love you . " Stephanie slid into the middle seat . " I love you too . " His arm stole around her waist . As they cruised along the country road , the conversation turned to grandma and grandpa . " I don 't understand why they 're against us getting married , " Stephanie told him . Troy watched the road . " Maybe they think they 're doing what 's best . " " How can keeping us from getting married be in our best interest ? We 're not doing anything immoral , and we love each other . " " They have their concerns , but what they don 't understand is that we 're willing to work things out . That 's the point . " Stephanie rubbed his hand , which rested around her waist . " I don 't think their concerns are justified . If they really loved us , they 'd let us get married because that 's what we want . I think they 're scared of losing you . If you get married , they won 't have any more control in your life . You have to admit , they 've had a lot of say in your life . You don 't live the way you want to . You always have to consult them about everything . " " I don 't think they are controlling . " " Troy , you live your life telling them what you 're up to , where you 're going , decisions coming up - everything ! They involve themselves in every aspect of your life . I think they 're scared you 're moving on to live your own life . " " I already live my own life . " Troy pulled his arm from around her , placing it on the wheel as he turned a corner . " Troy - please . " " Stephanie , I live in their house . I work for them . They are my employers andCHAPTER TWENTY - TWO The metal hanger scraped along the rod as Stephanie slid another dress to the side . " Maybe I should just wear what the other bridesmaids are wearing , " she said with a sigh . " I 'm not finding anything . " Further down the aisle , Holly held up a dark - blue strapless gown . " This color 's perfect . " " Mommy . . . " Matthew tugged Stephanie 's hand . " Mommy , this one . " " Hold on , Matthew . Yeah , but it 's not very flattering . " She continued sorting through the dresses . " How are the rest of the plans coming ? Did you find a photographer yet ? " " You know , I did . I asked Kevin if he 'd take the pictures . " Holly searched a new section , but she watched her friend 's reaction . " He did our engagement pictures , and he did a great job . " Stephanie pretended not to notice . " That 's nice of him . I didn 't know he did photography . Did his fiancé get him into that ? " The peculiar look on Holly 's face told her that he hadn 't proposed yet . " I meant his girlfriend . " " She was a photographer . . . so that 's probably how he learned . " Stephanie paused as she scrutinized another gown . " This one 's cute . . . not my size . " " Mommy . " " What sweetie ? Mommy 's listening . " Stephanie continued searching as he tugged on her again . Holly came to stand beside her . " You haven 't heard , have you ? " " Mommy . . . " Matthew pulled on her pants , and she put her hand on his back without looking at him . " Heard what ? " " He 's not in a relationship . They broke up . " " What happened ? " " I don 't know . " Holly shrugged and turned back to the dresses . " Maybe we should check another store . " Stephanie wanted to ask more , but Matthew gave the hardest pull his little muscles could muster , bending her towards him . " Ow ! Matthew , what - " she started to say , but his little hands clamped on either side of her head . " Mommy , listen with your whole face ! " His earnest eyes displayed the seriousness of the matter , and she melted in an instant . " Okay , show me . What is it ? " He took her hand and pulled her down anothCHAPTER TWENTY - THREE The paramedics carried Dalton in the stretcher across the yard to the waiting ambulance . " Wait ! " someone called out . The missing girl they had found locked in the closet came running toward the man who had set her free . " Thank you . " She kissed his cheek . Warmth filled his eyes as he gazed up at her . " My pleasure . " He smiled weakly . " Now forgive from your heart , or you 'll stay locked up , " he gently touched her head , " in here . " His breathing grew heavy . " Would you get Sergeant Conner ? I need to … . " When he saw Conner 's concerned face looking down at him , he gasped . " I want Angie to have the boy serve at the center . Teach him … share with him … truth . " " We 'll do this later , " Conner told him . " I want to talk to the boy . " " We have to get you help . " Dalton shook his head . " Now . " Conner left with a frustrated sigh and Dalton faintly closed his eyes , then looked up at the sky . His lips moved but not a sound came from them . " He 's here , Mr . Dalton , " Conner said . Dalton turned to the boy and gestured for him to come close . Marcus crept closer , his hands still cuffed behind him . Dalton whispered something , and Marcus leaned down to hear him . " This was my choice , " Dalton whispered . He closed his eyes as though he had no more strength left , and the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance . The sirens blared as they drove off , and Sergeant Conner came to stand beside Marcus . " I don 't understand , " Marcus murmured . " Why didn 't he take the shot ? " Sergeant Conner took a deep breath . " You know , I 've never believed in a good God , but if there is one , " he looked in the direction of the ambulance , " he must have known Him . " * * * * * * * * * * After leaving the bookstore , Stephanie took a walk to the park . She sat down on the bench and watched the children play . A little girl slid down the curving slide , and she called up to her brother to come down . Before he could , an older boy shoved past the brother . " Hey ! " the brother protested , but the older boy had already gone CHAPTER TWENTY - FOUR Stephanie kissed Matthew goodnight and silently closed the door to his room . As she headed toward the couch to relax , she tripped over something on the floor . With a grunt , she looked down and saw the box Julia had given her . She picked up the package and plopped down on the couch . Using her fingernail , she sliced through the tape and lifted the folded edges . Styrofoam filled the inside and a letter lay across the top . Opening the letter , she scanned the contents . Her face froze as the paper fluttered to the floor . Was this what Jerry wanted to share with me ? Slowly , her hand sank into the box , searching for an object . She pulled out a brown leather book and held it up like an ice sculpture . This was her father 's journal ! Her emotions re - surged as she tried to regain her ability to think . Growing up , he wrote in these pages every night . The isolated feeling she used to get when he paid more attention to his dumb books than to his own child revisited her . " Why ? " Stephanie cried out . " I left him behind today . God , why are you doing this to me ? Haven 't I been through enough ? " She couldn 't stifle the returning sensation of abandonment as the memory came back like an old wound ripped open that had never fully healed . A memory that she had ignored and buried as an unsafe place to visit . She was supposed to be in bed , but little Stephanie had slipped under the table . From her hiding place , she watched her father in his armchair . The room was small and crowded , but that corner was reserved for Dad . His books were stacked high all over the floor . He sat in his chair , reading . Some nights , he wrote in his journal , but tonight he was reading his favorite book . She had often hidden under the table after Mom went to bed . It was the only time she could be with her dad and be at peace . Even if he couldn 't see her , she was as close as she could get . Her foot kicked one of the chairs , and she held her breath . First because of the pain , then for the scolding that would come for not going to bed . Nothing happened . She lCHAPTER TWENTY - FIVE The office door opened , and Stephanie stopped drumming her nails on the waiting chair . " They 're almost ready , " the secretary told her as she returned to her desk . Stephanie nodded and gnawed her lip as she looked around the church office . Holly had encouraged her to come and present her idea , but she didn 't think they would agree to hear what she had to say . Now that they had , she felt sick to her stomach . What if they laughed ? After all , who was she that they would support her idea ? " Miss Kenthal ? " Stephanie looked up . " You can go in . They 're ready for you . " With a thundering heart , she went inside . Every chair around the long table was filled , and when they looked at her as she entered , she felt very small . The man standing extended his hand . " I 'm Pastor Johnson . We 're looking forward to hearing your vision . " " Did the people from the pregnancy care center get here ? " she asked him . " Yes , they 're right over there . Good luck . " He smiled and sat down as she stood at the head of the table . " Thank you all for this opportunity , " she began . " I know you are here because you are disturbed by the vast number of babies being killed every day by those whose job is to love and protect them . Many are fighting to change the laws of this nation , but what if the law of the land reflects the heart of the people ? If we have hurting people , they will make laws out of that pain . " She bowed her head slightly . " If anyone has ever been hurt , you might understand what I mean . When you 're hurt deeply , you don 't look to logic or debate . All you want is the pain to stop . Our laws try to keep us from harming one another , but merely changing the law is like stealing the crutches from the person with a broken leg , without offering anything in return . " Our land - our people - our mothers need healing . It 's time to reach the hearts . " * * * * * * * * * * MARCUS SAT DOWN as Sergeant Conner took an overseeing step back . The visit deputy escorted Logan to his seat on the other side of the glass window . " They 're takingCHAPTER TWENTY - SIX Stephanie finished spreading the strawberry jelly over the layer of peanut butter . She closed the sandwich with a slice of soft potato bread , and Matthew eagerly snatched the food from the counter . " Look a box ! " He held up the sandwich . " Yes , it 's a square . " He ran over to Mrs . Averad who sat at the small table , waiting to leave for the big day . Stephanie quickly wiped the counter clean . They were almost ready . " Look ! It 's a box . " Stephanie heard her little boy exclaim . " Oh , you 're going to get that everywhere . Here , " the old woman took the food from his hands and tore the large sandwich in half . " There . That 's easier to handle . " He held up the halves in dismay . Setting the food down , he ran out of the kitchen and soon returned with something in hand , which he held up to Stephanie . " Here , Mommy . Tape it . " " Oh sweetie , " she knelt down next to him , " some things can 't be undone . But you want a box ? " She went over and picked up the knife . She cut the sandwich into quarters . " Now you have four squares , and you 're not going to make a mess all over Mommy 's clean kitchen . It 's better . " She tousled his hair as he excitedly shoved one of the quarters into his mouth . She stood and looked at the clock . " Time to go . You ready ? " She glanced over at Mrs . Averad . " I 've been waiting for you . " " Then let 's go . " Stephanie helped Mrs . Averad into the car on the passenger 's side , and Matthew hopped in the backseat . As Stephanie drove , she thought of the two years that had gone by since she presented her idea before the church . Together , they had worked to make her vision a reality , and today was the opening day . She took a deep breath . So much work had gone into this . The car stopped along the curb . They climbed out and made their way toward the gathering on the lawn . Pastor Johnson greeted Stephanie along with many of the members who had worked so diligently on this center . Stephanie 's heart pounded . She had invited almost everyone she knew . Grandpa Earl and Grandma Helen had agreed tACKNOWLEDGEMENTS IF YOU HAVE COMMENTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE CONSIDERED FOR THE INSIDE THE BOOK AS AN ENDORSEMENT , PLEASE SEND TO : BLUEEYES4CHRIST @ GMAIL . COM ASAP ( preferably today ) And feel free to leave any comments on the blog as an encouragement for others to read and share the site ! Maybe the Holy Spirit will use the story to heal hearts . Blessings ! RESOURCES : Adema , Jeff 's world had changed . No longer was he a little junior high boy . He had made it into a new school . Things were going to be different . . . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : Jack 's settled into his life in the Alternate Reality . It 's been a year . Along with a few other big surprises . Including Jack 's parents showing up unannounced . And a few bumps in the road that may separate the boys . " Come on , Sam ! We can 't wait all day . " Daniel screamed from the briefing room . Everyone at the SGC had been given a few days down time and only a skeleton crew remained . The science team was running a diagnostic on the ' gate . And all teams were Earth side anyway . Teal ' c , Pete , Jack , Charlie , Cassie , Janet , Aurora , and Daniel all sat the table waiting for Sam to get off the phone . Sam motioned to hold and talked for a few seconds more then hung up . As she left Daniel 's office everyone jumped to his or her feet . She was grinning from ear to ear . Pete didn 't like it and swallowed hard . " I didn 't want to know the sexes which is why I had the doctor call . " Sam said . The only one who caught onto what she said was Daniel . Everyone else was just happy that she was still pregnant . They had had a rough mission and didn 't know if she still had a live child inside her . " Sexes ? As in more than one ? " Daniel said . Pete took one look at her grin and fainted . Teal ' c moved to help him . Jack sat down and Aurora moved to his lap . Charlie mimicked his father and sat down . Janet and Cassie followed . Daniel was the only one who could move and hugged Sam . " Then you will be part of the SG - 1 family . Sam , two kids , Daniel , two kids , Janet , two kids . " Jack said . " Don 't forget your self . " Aurora said . Jack looked at her . His eyes wide . " What ? So I consider you my father . " She said in a voice very close to Jack 's . Everyone laughed and Jack hugged her . Jack had been a bad influence on her . She was sarcastic most of the time now . " Ishta is carrying a child as well . She just told me . That was why she dialed the ' gate a few hours ago . She has four more months before the child will be born . She has asked that she be allowed to stay here for a few months after the birth . So that I may get to know my child . " Teal ' c said . Everyone looked at Daniel . " Jack , get the door . My hands are covered in flour . I don 't want to wash them . " Daniel said from the kitchen where he was getting dinner ready . He heard Jack move from the den . He smiled . The year since Jack arrived had been good . " Yeah . I got it , Baby . " Jack said . Daniel scowled slightly at the name . His Jack never called him that . But he liked the name . And he had gotten used to . Jack opened the door and nearly fainted . " Hello , General Jackson . " Carson said . Daniel 's eyes went wide . They knew he was a general . It wasn 't exactly public knowledge . He wasn 't a high profile military man . He was shrouded in secrecy . It meant that they had to have asked about his specifically . " Yes , we have been keeping up with you and Charlie , Daniel . " Rose said . Daniel disappeared to wash his hands then walked to the living room to find Carson and Rose on the couch and Jack in a chair . " Drinks , snacks ? " Daniel asked . He knew that Jack would be dazed . They had tried to call them once and found their number blocked . Jack hadn 't seen his parents in this reality . " Milk . " Rose said . Daniel nodded and disappeared for a few minutes . He came back with a tumbler of scotch and the bottle , a glass of milk and two beers . He passed them out and sat down in the chair next to Jack 's . Jack was still staring at them . Daniel reached over and squeezed Jack 's thigh . He didn 't care about the two people watching him . Jack needed him right now more than they needed discretion . " Mr . O ' Neill … " Daniel started only to be interrupted . Daniel didn 't see hate in Carson 's eyes . He saw only sadness . " Carson , Daniel . I know what you 're going to say . Let 's just say that Jack coming back has opened our eyes . We know you love him . And he loves you . Other wise you wouldn 't be here after near nine years . In this house with his kid . And you wouldn 't have done all you could to get him into the college he 's in . And you wouldn 't have called to tell us everything about Charlie growing up . You tried everything . It was us . Never you . Just call us two old people who don 't like change . " Carson said . " We came over to give you two a few things . One is our love and acceptance . The other is a gift . We don 't know whether you are considering it . Due to your jobs … " Rose stood and handed each man a ring box . Jack and Daniel looked at each other and then opened the boxes . Inside sat a silver ring . Perfect , simple rings . Daniel pulled his out . He saw the writing . " Forever . " Daniel said out loud . Rose hugged him . Carson moved and hugged Jack . Ten minutes and a lot of tears later they were sitting down again . " We 've never talked about it . " Jack said . God , he 'd only known this Daniel for a year . " Especially after me coming back . We are still getting used to each other again . " " Are you hungry ? " Daniel asked . He and Jack would talk about it tonight . Right now Daniel needed to be doing something . Jack saw that look in Daniel 's eyes and new that if they had been at work Daniel would have delved into reading mission reports or going to the civilians and helping them with a translation . " Nonsense . " Daniel said standing . " Jack , why don 't you show them the pictures of Charlie and us ? And I 'll put more chicken in the oven . " " My daughter Aurora . A friend at work wanted a child . She asked if I would be the father . She lives with her mother most of the time . She 's six . " Daniel said smiling . " Daniel , what 's wrong ? " Sam asked as she entered the briefing room . Daniel stood staring out the window at the ' gate . He was thinking about everything they had talked about at dinner . Near sixteen years of life had come out by the time everyone had went to bed that night . Jack and Daniel into their room and Carson and Rose into the guest room . " Is that why Jack is on leave for a few days ? " Sam asked . She had thought it funny when Daniel had called and told her the mission was scrubbed until Jack was back in a few days . " Yeah , they are offering to pay for the wedding , if we want one . " Daniel said . He and Jack had talked last night and both were open to it . " You liked it . Parents again . " Sam said . Daniel nodded . And he did . He hadn 't had parents in his life since he was eight . Or people you would want to call parents . " And it seems that he and I are going to get married . " Daniel said . Sam was the first that he and Jack had told . Other than Charlie . Charlie was coming home for summer break this year . So he could get to know his grandparents again . " Charlie 's coming home until school starts again . " " Yeah , we talked last night . I 'm supposed to spread the word today around the base . But with the way gossip travels it won 't take long . " Daniel said smiling . " Whom should we start with ? " " Janet . The nurses will hear and you won 't have to do anything . " Sam said . She took Daniel 's arm and they made their way to elevator . " Plus , I have a checkup . I think I have two boys in here . I can 't see my feet . Pete 's thankful that I only have two months left . " Jack came home to find Daniel asleep on the couch with a book over his face . Sam and him had been running the base for the past week since Daniel had gotten the flu from Aurora . Luckily no one else had caught it . Then he saw her . Aurora was lying on his legs asleep . Janet had broken her leg and so she couldn 't work . She took the time off and went to Chicago . So for the next month Aurora was living with them . He didn 't mind . Jack loved her . And she was so like Daniel and Janet . Aurora woke up and smiled when she saw Jack . Jack put his finger on his lips and pointed at Daniel . Aurora looked and smiled . Then she put her arms up to have Jack pick her up . And he did . Then he took her to the kitchen . He set her down on the counter beside the stove while he started dinner . Homemade chicken noodle soup . " How 'd your day go , Jack ? " Aurora asked as he handed her a carrot to eat . She was like Daniel . Give her healthy food over junk food . Though he had gotten her like ' Ding - Dongs . ' " Good . It seems the base went to chaos the moment your dad stepped out . The ' gate malfunctioned , again . Siler fell and sprained his ankle . Walter got electric shock from the computers . Sam nearly blew up her lab . " Jack said . Aurora was giggling . Aurora had rarely giggles since Janet had got hurt . But Jack always seemed to manage to get her to do it no matter what . " Dad set it out . It 's by the fridge . He was going to make you make it for supper . We are almost out . I don 't think there will be enough for anymore after tonight 's dinner . " Aurora said . Jack nodded and added it to the grocery list . " Dad missed you today . He froze nearly the whole day . " " Well that 's what we get for buying a special spice for soup . Well he 's sick . But he always freezes . It 's from growing up in the desert . Did Charlie go out with his grandparents ? " " Yeah , he 's going to stay with them at the apartment . He doesn 't want to catch the flu . " Aurora said smiling . She knew that she had given it to Daniel . She liked to be cuddled when she was sick and Daniel couldn 't say no . " Well , I will take my chances . I am not leaving you here to take care of him . " Jack said and tickled Aurora a little . Then she shut her mouth . They heard a groan and Daniel take off for the bathroom . " He 's been doing that for the past four hours . I wonder if he noticed I wasn 't on his legs anymore . He was cold but only his legs . So I laid on them . Then he fell asleep . " Jack and Aurora knew to leave him to his throwing up . He didn 't like audiences . Then they heard hurried steps back to the living room . " Rora , where are you ? " Daniel said out loud so the whole house could hear . He was worried . He noticed after he had thrown up that she hadn 't been on his legs . " Your home ? " Daniel squinted at his watch . His glasses lost somewhere . " It 's that late already ? Yeah , I feel fine . I may be able to eat some soup . Where 's the can opener ? " " Baby , I 'm making homemade soup like you wanted . Just go sit . Relax . See if there 's a game on . " Jack said moving to hug Daniel . Daniel 's skin was cold . " And get some clothes on . Heavier clothes . Your cold . " " Carter almost blew it up . " Jack said . Sam hit him on the arm . Daniel smiled . He 's missed this . Jack walked out when a airman needed to talk to him . " A few months . Until they are sure that all their family is fine . And the wedding is over . " Daniel said looking at the files on his desk . Most just needed his signature . " You 're the one who gave him that nick name ? " Sam asked . Daniel had told her about the name long ago . But he had never said how he got the name and who gave it to him . " Sam , you gotta remember I was 15 when I went into boot camp . Ferretti here thought it would be fun to break me in . " Daniel said a sly smile creeping onto his face . " You know kidnapping me and leaving me in the woods . " " We never got the chance . One touch on his arm and I was flat on my face with his knee on my neck . The two other guys I enlisted for the job bolted . " Ferretti said starting to rub his neck . Then he smiled . " Next morning we talked . Found out he grew up in foster homes . Most where you had to know how to take care of yourself . After that no one bothered him . Seems the whole camp found out he took me out . " " So while he was sneaking me into bars he found out about my choice of love ' em and leave ' em . The name was said and it stuck . Even put it on my pack . " Daniel said . " Boy was I surprised when I showed up here for the first mission and there he stood . And with Jack having his arms around him . Daniel was babbling about something and Jack was hugging him . I cleared my throat and Daniel turned to look at me . He smiled . Introductions were made and I found he had been with Jack nearly seven years . I nearly fainted . " Ferretti said . Then he handed Daniel a folder . " But enough about the past . That 's my assessment on natives of P3A - 194 . I think that SG - 1 should do the further contact . They are called the Volians . Simple farming place . But some of the tech is beyond them . I think they have friends in high places . " " No . " Jack said re - entering the office . Daniel looked at him . Jack 's face was stone cold and serious . Daniel rarely saw him like that . Only when he was mad . " Well , the people of P4C - 970 are called the Aschen . Wonderfully advanced people . Nice technologies . But they will give us a shot that doubles the human life span . " Jack said not knowing how to word this . " Easy . It makes everyone sterile . In my reality when they found out we knew they launched a bio weapon . Sam was almost killed . The Aschen have their hearts set on taking over the galaxy . But they think that the Stargate only goes to a few places . See they don 't have a DHD . " " Yeah , you said that before . There was this boring guy named Borren and Melon , no Mollem . Yeah . Well they have no sense of humor . " Jack said . " Which means you didn 't trust them from the start . " Daniel said . He nodded took the report from Ferretti and looked at Jack . " Give me a report on what you know . I 'll look it over and see . As of right now I have no reason to not trust them . I know your word . But what if they are different here . There 's a chance . There 's so much that 's different . If I do approve a mission it will be for SG - 1 and myself . And we will go in with eyes wide open . Agreed ? " Jack , Sam , and Ferretti just nodded . Two hours later Jack laid his report on Daniel 's desk . Daniel nodded and picked it up . An hour later he finished both reports . He sat thinking about it . And it was just too risky he picked up the phone . " Walter , have the planet P3A - 194 locked out of the dialing computer . " Daniel said before hanging up . He put both reports away along with the message from the future . He wouldn 't change his mind . After reading Jack 's report he knew that it was way to risky and just best left alone . He also would have Sam figure out which planet 's are in the Volian system and have them locked out as well . Just to be safe . Daniel looked at the clock on the wall . 2130 . He and Jack had got into a fight and now Daniel didn 't want to go home . He heard the ' gate activate . He knew there was no teams due back to he went to the control room . " Open it . Security teams on high alert . " Daniel said moving to enter the room . As he did two people came through the ' gate . A woman and a man who looked like a younger Daniel . " Yes , who are you ? " Then Daniel noticed she was very pregnant . " Wait . Let 's go to the briefing room . So she can sit down . " Once in there Daniel called Sam and Teal ' c . Daniel knew they weren 't Goa ' uld . As Teal ' c entered the room the woman jumped up . The Daniel look alike whispered a few words into her ear and she calmed down . " General , my name is Daniel Jackson . Call me Danny . This is my wife , Jacky . " Daniel looked at the woman truly for the first time . Then he started laughing . As did Teal ' c and Sam . The two looked at them . " What ? " " You see we have a Jack O ' Neill here . And well it 's a he . A very tall manly he . " Sam said . She started laughing again . She knew what this was going to do to the base . She remembered the fallout after her civilian counterpart paid them a visit . " So this Daniel here is not married ? " Danny asked pointing to Daniel . Everyone had stopped laughing by then . They all looked at Daniel to see how Daniel would handle it . " I will be in a few months . " Daniel said . Treading lightly because he didn 't know how they would act . He knew they could hate same sex relationships . " Well I guess that answers my question about how you would take it . But no lucky lady . Just a very lucky Jack . " Daniel said . Jacky started laughing and then Danny followed . Sam was still thinking about her being with Janet . Seems they came from an openly gay reality . They had seen a few where they weren 't so open . She shuddered . " We do not wish to stay . We know we can 't . Just provisions and we will be on our way . " Danny said . Daniel shook his head no . " Not until she has been checked out by Janet . She 's look near due . " Daniel said motioning for Sam to come over . " I want to talk with you , Danny . And Sam will take Jacky to get checked out by Janet . When 's she due ? " " Right now ! " Jacky said as he water broke . Daniel grabbed his phone and had Janet get ready to accept a woman giving birth . Janet freaked a little thinking that maybe Sam was delivering early . He didn 't have time to correct her . He slammed the phone down and went back into the briefing room . " Teal ' c get her . Don 't worry . He won 't hurt you . " Daniel said when Jacky started to say no . Jacky saw the look in Teal ' c 's eyes . She saw devotion in them as well as love for her . Even though they had just met . Jack entered Daniel 's office to see a cup of coffee sitting on the desk stone cold . He started a search of the base . As he neared the infirmary he heard a baby crying . One baby . Jack entered and saw Daniel standing holding a baby . Then he really looked at Daniel and saw that this Daniel was a few years younger . " Danny , let me see her . " He heard a woman say . He didn 't hear someone walk up beside him . Until arms slipped around his waist . He smiled . And gripped Daniel 's hands . Then Daniel pulled back to show Jack into the room . " That 's Danny and Jacky . Mr . And Mrs . Jackson . They came through last night . Her water broke in the briefing room . " Daniel said . He put his arm around Jack again . " Ishta is on her way in . We just got word that she thinks she is close . Just think in two more months Sam will have two rug rats . " " I know . I sorta pushed you . Now that little boy is named Charlie . " Daniel said leading Jack over to the couple . " Danny , Jacky , this is Jack . " " Well ? " Jack asked from the waiting room . The nurse shook her head no and left . Teal ' c was pacing , as was Jack . Daniel and Pete were helping Sam with what she needed . Janet was helping Ishta and Aurora was having fun mimicking Jack and Teal ' c . She was having fun following her father and uncle as they paced the room . " Jack , I swear that anyone who walked in here would think that you were the father . " Daniel said . Then he heard a scream . Everyone turned to look at the door . " Be glad you 're not in there . " Sam said . As everyone winced at the scream . Only Daniel and Teal ' c could understand the words . " Why ? " Teal ' c asked . He stopped pacing long enough to look at her . But it was long enough for Aurora to run into his legs . Jack caught her before she fell . She moved to sit in Daniel 's lap . " So , Daniel , did Danny , Jacky , and Charlie get off fine ? " Pete asked . Trying to get everyone 's minds off what was happening . " Yes , and we sent them to the planet that Dr . Carter and Kawalsky had come from . No Jack and Daniel alive . So they can live safely there . Sam was happy to have them . She said she could use the expertise . " Daniel said . Then they heard the cry of a baby . A few seconds later Janet walked out . " Shona . " Teal ' c said disappearing into the room . Everyone else would join in a little . Give mom , dad , and baby long enough to get see each other . " So , Sam , still saying they are girls ? " Jack asked as he entered her lab . She was two weeks over due and screaming about making the kids pay rent . Everyone on the base knew too keep out of arms length of her . " Be in there with Pete . In the room . Janet 's already agreed . That way if he faints you guys can catch him . And so I don 't scream only at him . You know spread the love . " Sam said smiling . Jack smiled back . " Me push ! Why don 't you push , Asshole . " Sam screamed at Pete . She was just ending a nice 16 - hour labor and the first child was out . A nice healthy little girl . The second was not wanting to come out . " Sam , calm down . " Daniel said . Pete had been called most every derogatory word in the English language and a few in Russian and Spanish . Which Daniel did not translate or the safety of himself . " And you ! If you hadn 't opened that damn thing I wouldn 't be here ! " She had insulted every man in the room numerous times . And she wasn 't done yet . Not even close if she had something to say about it . " Sorry , Pete . Another girl . " Janet said . Pete fainted and Jack barely caught him . Twenty minutes later Sam sat holding one girl and Pete the other . " That wouldn 't be good . " Sam said smiling . Teal ' c took pictures of the two men holding the babies . They now had a board in the lunch room that had pictures of SG - 1 and General Jackson and their wives / husbands and kids . Soon they would have boards for every SG team and base personnel . " Shh , they just got to sleep . " Sam said pointing at her twins . Pete was working today and the mountain needed help with a project so she brought them with her . No one minded . Everyone at the base loved seeing the kids . Shona was with Ishta on visiting Hak ' tyl . " No , not since World War III in the ' gate room . Jack came back from the planet in a pissed off mood and Daniel wouldn 't take it . I think that as Daniel was leaving the room Jack said something about Daniel being ' fucked up . ' That was the last I saw him . Jack 's in the training room taking his anger out on a punching bag . Why are you looking for him ? " " Senator Kinsey is waiting for him in his office . But do not worry . Daniel Jackson didn 't forget . Senator Kinsey showed up unannounced . " Teal ' c said . " He 's dealing with more important issues at this time . What can I do for you , Senator ? " Sam said sitting down in Daniel 's chair . Jack moved to stand beside her . " Ah , I know this issue . What 's wrong Senator ? Afraid that the General marrying another man will put the planet at risk . Don 't waltz in here and spout any of that sin stuff . You were defeated in the senate . And the majority won . Men have the right to marry and men . And women have the right to marry women . Get over it . " Sam said standing . " This is the military 's most top secret facility . We shouldn 't be acting like a bunch of horny children . Men can 't fall in love with men . And they shouldn 't marry . " Kinsey said . " What do you mean , ' Why ' ? " Kinsey said . He turned his whole body so he was standing toe to toe with Daniel . " Because it 's a sin . " " Colonel Jack O ' Neill . Please to meet you . I know for a fact that you 're a hypocrite . You use God to gain power and with what I know about you . Let 's just say you would never get the presidency . " Jack said . Daniel moved to his seat . " You are no longer on the apportions committee , there fore you have no reason to be here . I don 't understand how you got in here . Now kindly leave or you will be thrown out on you face , Senator . " Daniel said . Kinsey acted like he was going to say something until Teal ' c walked in . " Teal ' c , can you kindly show , Senator Kinsey the way out . " " Yeah , I 'm sorry , Baby . " Jack said hugging Daniel . " One of the inhabitants made a few comments that I didn 't like . About gays and about people who aren 't white . I just sorta took it out on you . Sam was right . We have fought more since we got engaged than before . " " Yeah , but its good . Let 's get it out now . Better than later . But we need to go home and talk . About a few things you did say . " Daniel said . Jack nodded . Jack was going crazy . He remembers he had been really good with Charlie . But not these two . No not two two - month - old girls . He had been given mandatory down time due to a bump on the head from the last mission . And Sam had to go on this mission . Pete was out of town on a case and Daniel took his place in the mission . So that left him to baby sit . And boy was he going to kill his friends when they got back to Earth in a few hours . He had just got D . J . to sleep when Cathy decided it was time to try and break every piece of glass in the house . That woke D . J . back up . Jack finally fell asleep around two in the morning . On the couch with D . J . snug between in legs so she can 't go anywhere and Cathy in his arms . Daniel , Sam , and Teal ' c all entered around four to the sounds of Jack snoring . Daniel quickly got a camera and took a picture of Jack . Then Sam took D . J . and Teal ' c took Cathy from him . " Two months . You know . Jack 's parents are going all out . But they make no decisions with out one or both of us agreeing . Of course I think that they are talking to Charlie a lot about it . Those two years after Jack died he spent a lot of time talking about what he thought would have been the perfect wedding for us . Now he 's trying to do it again . You guys should have been there that first year . Charlie thought himself a burden . That the reason I was staying was because of him . If I came home mad at the project it was his fault . Took a whole year for his to accept that I wanted him . " " What was the straw that broke the camel 's back ? " Teal ' c asked . He liked that saying . Jack had taught it to him recently . " A man showed up at the house . He was one of my first foster parents . He had just got out of jail and wanted payback for me sending him there . He molested me . Seems he did it to a bunch of kids . He had Charlie cornered and he was trying to get Charlie to tell him where I was . I pulled him away . He was expecting some snot nosed geek . See I was known as a linguist and archeologist . Not the , at that time , Colonel . After I ' saved ' him he finally saw that I truly loved him and thought of him as my own . That 's why he 's so attached to me . I 'd love to talk about this but I need sleep . Sam your welcome to a room . You are too , Teal ' c . I don 't think any of us should drive anymore . " " Goodnight , Daniel Jackson . " Teal ' c said before moving to the guest room . Daniel woke Jack up so they could go to bed . Jack waited till morning to read the riot act to his friends . Everyone stood around looking his or her best . The wedding was wonderful . It had taken place outside in Memorial Park . It was September so the weather was slightly cool . But that 's the way they wanted it . A fair amount of people from the base showed up . Now everyone was at Jack and Daniel 's house for the reception . Everyone had changed out of his or her finery and into normal clothes . After the reception Jack , Daniel , Sam , Pete , Teal ' c , Ishta , Charlie , Janet , and Cassie were going out to dinner . The younger children were staying at the base where SGC personnel were going to watch them . Which they complain they don 't get to do enough . Daniel and Jack weren 't going on a honeymoon . They didn 't want one . So they got a week down time were no one could call them about anything . Sam and Teal ' c were going to run the SGC . Daniel didn 't feel right going on a honeymoon when Ba ' al is out there . " I 'm fine . Needed air . Too much cologne and perfume . I just need to give the meds time to kick in . " Daniel said looking at Jack . " Danny ? " Jack was looking at Daniel 's legs . Maybe Daniel had hurt his ankle or something . Until he felt the wetness hit his hand near Daniel 's shoulder . He looked up and saw the bullet hole in Daniel 's shirt . " Carter ! Doc ! Daniel 's been shot ! " Jack ripped the shirt off and held it on the wound . He felt the exit of the bullet on the other side . He looked up and saw the hole the bullet left on the doorjamb . With the noise of the party no one had heard it hit . Every one of the military men and women went off to try and find the shooter along with Pete . Charlie and Cassie kept the kids inside . Especially Aurora . Teal ' c was standing guard and Janet and Sam were trying to keep Daniel alive . Carson and Rose just stood there . They didn 't want to get in the way . Jack called the SGC to tell them to prep . He wasn 't taking Daniel anywhere else . Plus he was closer to the mountain than any other hospital . " He lost a lot of blood . The bullet went right through . We were lucky . " Janet said . She knew he would blow up at her . Bt it was better he did it now while Daniel was unconscious . " Because if he hadn 't moved when he did you both could have died . " Janet said . Jack nodded . He walked into the room to look at Daniel . Janet was keeping him sedated until morning . Jack still hadn 't changed from the clothes he had been wearing . He looked down and saw Daniel 's blood on them . He 'd come so close to losing Daniel today . And of all days their wedding day . He heard someone enter the room . " Jack , I just got off the phone with the cops . Seems that they found nothing . " Sam said moving to stand beside him . " Teal ' c , Charlie , and Cassie have D . J . , Cathy , Aurora , and Shona in the commissary . Teal ' c gonna take them back to mine and Pete 's house . Pete 's getting the place ready for all the visitors . We know your place is bigger but I don 't think Aurora needs to go there . Nor Charlie . Charlie and Cassie should be around in a little bit to check on Daniel . " " Jack , you need to go to the NORAD office . That 's where the O ' Neill 's are . Sam thought it best to bring them . But you need to change . Then eat . And once you 've done that you can sit by his bedside and not leave till he wakes up . As long as you try and sleep . " Janet said looking him sternly in the eyes . " Thanks Janet . " Jack said leaving . He made the first stop in the SG - 1 locker room . He changed into his normal work BDU 's . He made his way to the NORAD office . The second he walked in , Carson and Rose were on their feet . One of the Airman watching them jumped as well . " Son , since General Jackson is currently unconscious I am the leader of the base . And since these who are currently General Jackson 's parents . I think they should see him . Don 't you ? " Jack said . " He 's stable . Now , do you want me to explain what we do here first while we eat ? Or do you want to see him and then find out what we do ? " Jack asked . The Airman returned with ID for the two . " Yeah . I talked to the President a week ago . Daniel and I thought you should know some things and the only way for you to know them is to know what we do . " " Oh , Yeah . Danny 's got him on speed dial . And the Joint Chiefs , and a few senators . Don 't worry . Everything will be explained . " Jack said . Carson and Rose followed Jack to the commissary . They got some food from and sat down . " Long or short version ? " " Ok . Then we will travel back to 1928 . At a dig in Giza Dr . Langford found a coverstone . Under it was a metal ring . Made of nothing from this Earth . In 1945 the U . S . military tried to make the ring work . They succeeded in sending a man to another planet . But they got scared and shut down the project . Years later the military starts it back up . Not knowing about the previous failure . They find and train certain individuals from the Universities . One of which was Daniel Jackson . It took a while but they figured it out in 1996 . He 'd been with the project since he was 15 . It 's been his life . We went to a planet called Abydos . There destroyed a alien who called himself Ra . After the Egyptian god . That 's when we found out that humans from Earth had been taken long ago and spread among the stars . " Since then we have been trying to free these people . They are slaves to the Goa ' uld . A race of parasitical aliens who use humans as hosts . That 's what we have been doing for the past nine years . Now the reason Daniel was shot was because there are a few factions of the government who would love to see SG - 1 and Daniel dead . One of them is a bible - thumping hypocrite . We think he 's the one who put the hit out on Daniel . He hated seeing us getting married . Even tried to stop it . Came barging in here making a ruckus . For now that 's enough . Just think you are one of the few who know about the project . " " Would you like to see your son ? " Jack asked . Rose and Carson nodded and finished eating quickly . Jack then led them to the level where the infirmary was located . AS they neared there he stopped . " He 's asleep . Janet , Dr . Fraiser said that I could stay with him until he wakes up . As long as I try to sleep . Thought maybe we could take turns . " Daniel woke up slowly and looked around . He was in the infirmary . He couldn 't remember how he got there . He looked for Jack but couldn 't find him . He heard a snore . He turned and was looking into the face of Carson O ' Neill . Daniel tried to sit up but pain went through his shoulder . " Shot ? " Daniel said . Thinking back . He remembered walking out onto the porch and then hugging Jack . Then nothing . " Jack ? " He looked around at the other beds . He was the only one in here . And he was in a solitary room . " Teal ' c and Pete have all the kids at Sam and Pete 's . Let me go get Jack . Carson , I 'm sure Daniel 's thirsty would you mind getting him some coffee from my office . " Janet said . Carson nodded and went to her office . A few minutes later after Daniel had drank half a cup Jack walked in . " You know , you just can 't help getting hurt can you ? " Jack said . His tone was light and cheery . But Daniel saw the pain in his eyes . Daniel held out his hand so that Jack would come to him . Jack held his hand tightly . " This sorely spoils our honeymoon . " " With the wound , Daniel . You won 't be doing anything work related for a few weeks . And you 'll need help . Some of your muscles got torn . So you will be able to do the honeymoon . " Janet said . Daniel smiled . He patted the side of his bed with his good arm and Jack sat down . Sam walked in . " Daniel , glad your awake . We are trying to flush out who did it . Nothing was found . The bullet had nothing on it . It came from a 9mil Berretta . " Sam said . " No one on the base knows your alive save the people in this room . And Teal ' c . The nurses were told that you died . Even the ones who placed you in here . " Janet said as she looked at the dressing on his wound . " We think that the person who did this may have someone on the base as a contact . Once Janet says you can go . We will be flying you to where ever . You and Jack . Teal ' c and I are going to stay here to take care of your funeral . We hope we can find who ever it is . " Sam said . " The kids are all going to go to the Land of Light . Every last one . That way they can 't get caught up in the mess this could turn into . " Jack said . " No , she won 't . She 'll kick and scream and rant and rave . And if we do get her offworld she won 't be nice . She 's very attached to Daniel . " Janet said . She knew this . That 's why the papers were drawn up to have him be her legal guardian . Daniel didn 't know . It was supposed to be a wedding present . " Then she 'll come with us . " Jack said . Hell , if it kept her happy then he would gladly take her with them . Plus they wouldn 't be able to do anything with his arm . Daniel turned and looked at him . " Son , you said you had something to tell us ? " Carson asked Jack as they sat in the infirmary . Daniel had been awake a few hours . Jack sat on the bed with Daniel and Rose and Carson sat in chairs beside the bed . Jack had said that he should sit with his parents . But Daniel had said that distance would be good . " It will top everything . " Daniel said as he shifted in his bed . This right here was going to maybe break the relationship that Jack and Daniel had with the O ' Neill 's . " But after the truth of what you do … what can top it ? " Rose asked . Jack chuckled and Daniel used his good arm to smack him . Then Jack sobered . He and Daniel had been talking the last few weeks . Jack had tried to figure out what he would tell them and in the end decided that he would have Daniel tell them . He was better at it . Then Jack would tell his story . " Your son is dead . He died while on a mission to another planet during the first year of the program . I saw him die with my own eyes . About a year and a half ago a man stepped through the ' gate . Jack here . " Daniel said . Confusion was on the faces of the two O ' Neill 's sitting at the side of the bed . " Yes , your son . This is a Jack O ' Neill from an alternate reality . One very close to this one in the scheme of things . Except for the most of it he was straight . He hadn 't met me until 1996 . Seems that according to quantum theory , for every possible universe there are infinite variations diverging at every choice we make like forks in the road . Seems that between jour reality and what his used to be there was a lot of forks . " Daniel said . He shut up and patted Jack , telling him the rest was up to him . Rose and Carson were stunned beyond belief . They weren 't mad that they had been lied to just that it was very much like Jack was their son . They had never thought that anything was off . " I never got to raise Charlie . He died when he was 10 . Shot himself with my personal gun . Sara never died during childbirth . Until Earth was destroyed . Or taken over . I don 't know what they did . I barely got away with my life . I got to the mirror just as the Jaffa got to level 17 of the base . After Charlie 's death , well Sara left me and I went on a suicide mission . One Dr . Jackson made me see that dying wasn 't the answer . But he stayed on Abydos with his new wife , Sha 're . A year later I get recalled when aliens come through the ' gate . We return to Abydos to find everyone fine . Dr . Jackson takes us to a room where he found a cartouche . When we return to the ' gate we find Sha 're and her brother Skaara missing . Taken by a Goa ' uld named Apophis . Dr . Jackson returns with us to Earth and we spend the next three years trying to find her . While trying to find ways to save Earth from the Goa ' uld . Sha 're was killed and Dr . Jackson went searching for her child . Two years after that he died . Ascended to a higher plane of existence . He came back after a year . We had been celebrating a month when my Earth was attacked . " Jack said . He was glad he had agreed to tell them his whole tale . That way he could act normal around them and not have to think before he spoke every time . " Wow . " Rose said . Carson nodded . Neither could say anything more . Jack was about to speak again when he heard Daniel yawn . The pain meds always made his sleepy . " Get some sleep . Janet won 't let me have visitors until 1700 . " Daniel said as they neared the doors . Both of them nodded . Daniel turned to look at Jack . " I think they 'll be fine . " " I know . But I need sleep . Your fine . I 'm tired . And I think I will pick up Aurora before I come back around 1700 . Then she can stay here until we leave . Then later in the evening Sam and I are going to relieve Teal ' c and Pete and they 'll be by to visit with Cassie and Charlie . Sound good ? " Daniel was sitting in a lounge chair on a deck of a nice two - bedroom suite in Florida . Rora was asleep in his lap and Jack was out getting them food . He watched the waves crash on the shore . He knew that he wouldn 't be swimming . And Jack only would when he was sure that Rora could watch Daniel . Rora hated water . She hates swimming . She showers she doesn 't bathe . " Can 't . I slept enough last night . Right now I just want to watch the ocean . " Daniel said . Rora moved upward so that she could lay her head on his uninjured shoulder . " We knew you would kick and scream and throw a fit . And if we did get you off - world … No one would be happy . " Daniel said smiling . " Yeah . I would have done all that . " Rora said . Daniel heard the door open . But it was closed quickly like someone was trying to sneak up on them . And it wasn 't Jack . He knew that . After what they had went through a week before . " Rora . Corner now . Quiet . " Daniel said Rora moved to a corner of the balcony and squeezed into as small a ball as she could get . Daniel stood . He pulled the gun out of the holster at the small of his back and moved to watch the person . The man was dressed as a hotel bellboy . He was currently looking into the master bedroom a gun in front of himself . Daniel moved silently behind him and cocked the gun . The man froze . " Don 't do anything stupid and I won 't fire . Drop the gun . " " Rora , call Jack . Tell him to get here now . We got ourselves an assassin . " Daniel said . Rora left the balcony and moved to the phone . She dialed Jack 's cell phone number quickly and waited for him to answer . " Good . Now call Sam . Tell her what you told Jack . That way the SGC will send some people . " Daniel said . Halfway through the call Jack entered the room . With two policemen behind him . " No . Teal ' c 's returning from the Land of Light in three hours . We will see if he can crack him . " Jack said . Rora was sitting in Jack 's lap fast asleep . They had all left Florida as soon as they could get an Air Force plane to take them back . Sam and Jacob were both on the plane . Both men had been surprised to see Jacob . Jacob had explained that he had been worried . Out of earshot Sam had explained that he had been worried about Daniel . Because Jacob , like George had adopted him as a family member . This had caused Daniel to blush and Jack to laugh . " Yes , he 's also very pissed . I 've told the man this . But it seems that he doesn 't know anything about the ' gate . Just some hired assassin . " " Watch and learn . " Daniel said before walking into the room . The man looked up at him . Daniel sat down across from him . He looked at the two guards in the room . " Leave . " " What didn 't know you had been sent to kill a General . A major General at that . I command on of the highest security places in the world . I can make you disappear and no part of your body will ever be found . So do you want to chat ? " Daniel said . The man 's eyes had just gotten wider as the words had flowed from Daniel 's mouth . " I was hired by some homophobe named Kinsey . An older man . Cursed your and O ' Neill 's names every few seconds . " The assassin said . Daniel smiled . " Would you know his face if you saw him again ? " Daniel asked . The assassin nodded . Daniel turned to look out the glass . Jack moved to find a picture of Kinsey . A few minutes later Jack walked into the room . He had also found a few other pictures of older men . He handed them to Daniel . But stood near the door . Daniel laid the five pictures out . " Thank you . The guards outside will take you to your cell for the night . If you need anything just knock and if they can they 'll get it . " Daniel said . He exited the room . Sam and Jacob were standing outside . Both had shock on their faces . At the fact that a U . S . Senator would try and kill anyone . " Anyone know anyone who voted for that scrub ? " Jack asked after the assassin was taken away . Everyone shook his or her head no . " didn 't think so . At least here he wasn 't the V . P . " " And take Rora . I 'm on all night . " Janet said before turning and leaving . She had talked to Jack about giving Daniel full custody . Jack had agreed to help her set the house up . They would move Rora 's stuff there after they managed to get both Daniel and Rora out of the house . It would be a surprise to them both . Jack had asked if it was what she really wanted . " Jack , she loves him . And she 's so much like him . I know she loves me . But it would be better . Plus I have Sam 's two rug rats . It 's not like I won 't see her . Me and Daniel will just switch roles . I 'll get her when Daniel 's off world . Weekends when I want . It 'll be fine . " She smiled as she neared her office . She and Jack had it planned for this weekend . Send the two off to a museum and they would do it . Jack had also managed to get Teal ' c to help . Jack said it was what Daniel needed after the attempt on his life . Janet couldn 't agree more . Daniel and Rora got out of his car after spending eight hours in Denver going to museums . They were both very tired and Daniel would have Jack drive Rora home . His arm was hurting a little . He entered his house to find the living room empty . He moved to the kitchen and it was likewise empty . " Where are you , Jack ? I need you to take Rora home . My arm hurts . " Daniel yelled making his way to the sound of Jack 's voice . " I have a surprise for you two . Come to Rora 's room . " Jack yelled back . Daniel looked down at his daughter and she shrugged . He entered Rora 's room and stopped dead in his tracks . Since Rora was behind him she ran into him . " What the hold up , Dad ? " She asked . She looked around him . She looked at the room . An almost carbon copy of the one in her mom 's house . Except the bed and few pieces of the furniture , everything was the same . Inside the room stood Teal ' c , Jack , and Janet . " Mom ? " " George helped me get the papers signed and everything without Daniel knowing . That 's why we wanted you two out of the house . When this started six years ago I wouldn 't have dreamed of this but I would rather see her live with you , Danny . " Janet said . " All we did was swap roles . When your off - world , the few times you go , I 'll take her . And weekends when she and I want and you don 't have something planned . " Janet said . Daniel just stood there . Rora ran forward to hug Janet then Jack and Teal ' c . But Daniel was just standing there . Jack was worried . He couldn 't read Daniel 's face . Jack had thought that Daniel would be happy . Although Daniel never talked about wanting her here on a full time basis , Jack had thought he would love it . Daniel 's face was completely devoid of anything . Jack moved forward . Daniel was lost . Jack could see that Daniel wasn 't seeing what was around him . " Danny ? " Jack asked over and over trying to bring Daniel back . Daniel all of a sudden smiled . He had tears in his eyes . " Where were you ? " " The first time Charlie called me dad . I 'm sorry . Janet , thank you . But are you sure ? " Daniel asked hugging her . She nodded . " General Jackson . Neither of us changed out names . " Daniel said . Kinsey nodded . He motioned for Daniel to sit down . " No I 'd rather stand . I won 't be here long . " " Yes , you said it was urgent you see me . You were just lucky that I was able to move some appointments around . You said five minutes . I was able to get you ten . " Kinsey said . Daniel watched him . Kinsey was acting strange . Like he didn 't hate Daniel . " Drop the act , Robert . Outside your office are five MP 's . You can come with me now and not have you being arrested splashed over the news . Or they can take you in handcuffs . But you are going to jail . You weren 't as good as you thought . Your assassin was caught . I caught him . He rolled you over . We also were able to track the money to your account . " Daniel said . The door opened . Jack entered along with two of the MP 's . " Yes , it is . See our friends the Asgard didn 't like it when Daniel was almost assassinated . You are going to an Asgard prison . The President agreed . And from what Sam tells me . They have really bad food . Although we may just send them MRE 's to feed you , they can 't be much better than Asgard food . " " Yes , we can . To the public you will be sent to a maximum - security prison and due to your contacts you can 't see anyone . You will be tried by a military tribunal . " Daniel said . Daniel waved the MP 's to take Kinsey . Kinsey kicked and screamed the whole way out . Sam and Teal ' c entered the office next . " Guess we better clean house here . Make sure there is nothing revealing . Ferretti and Kawalsky are taking care of his house as we speak . " " One would think that I would still love my old life better than this one . " Jack said as he and Daniel snuggled on the couch . Rora was asleep in her room . Janet had just dropped her off in time for dinner and a bath before she was put to bed . SG - 1 had come back from a three - day mission that had Daniel tagging along . " But I think I like this one better . I have Charlie . " " No one is mad at you . For making your life here , Jack . I bet Sam , Daniel , and Teal ' c are happy you found a place you can call home . I bet Daniel is happy that you have Charlie . You 'd do the same . If Daniel had made it out . You would have wanted him to try and find a place he could be happy . And I bet there 's a reality out there where I died on a planet . You were left alone and one where in the future when Anubis attacked , Daniel lived and found that reality . And they are probably on a couch like this one , talking about the same thing . " Daniel said . Jack looked him in the eyes and saw the love there . Jack leaned down and kissed Daniel . Knowing that no one would separate them now . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . Ladyholder . comWhere imagination runs free and fun is had by allCooking in the ArchivesUpdating Early Modern Recipes ( 1600 - 1800 ) in a Modern KitchenSkylar JayeGay Romance and Erotica AuthorPROMPTUARIUMthe writers store roomboffin1710All the nills in the binary code , and the subtle curve of a complicated function graphic . In the errors of a simple C + + program . A format glitch in an HTML . A blank dot that refuses to be triangulated , and in the drops of Earl Grey that spill from the cup in an uneven pattern on a stack of papers . Ink In My VeinsI 've got ink in my veins and books in my heartAshe 's BarBelle MeriPickingupellenSaydria WolfeDarkJediQueen 's LairWorks In ProgessThandi 's ThoughtsI don 't post often , but when I do , it will probably be fanfiction . The Wondrous World of RogueMy writing and other nonsensical stuffSusspencerSuspence filled writingThe Scribbling DeskAnthea DavisFanFiction Authorpenumbria 's ficThis is the site for fic by penumbriaJilly JamesFan works by Jilly Jamestheblackrose16Where all my fanfics flourishDesolate 's MemoirsNae 's Writing CornermyredturtleOnly _ 1 _ TruthHappy endings guaranteedChestnut NOLAIt 's All About The RomanceAngelicInsanityHome of my love for all things DiNozzo ! ( And , occasionally others . ) Rough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . 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There was no one else at the 780 stop , which was odd . The bus pretty empty , too . I don 't know what was going on . Maybe everyone was playing hookey from work . I got off at Vine and the DASH was there , waiting on the driver 's break . He was on the cell phone . He was still on the cell phone when we left . It was a handset , too . Then he pulled over after he turned onto Gower . I was trying to figure out if I should be grateful that maybe he was going to try to finish his conversation without killing us , or annoyed that he was still on the phone and we were not moving . Then he opened the door and a breathless woman ran on . He had stopped to wait a minute for her . Well , ok . He hung up the phone and we started moving again . Unwind , a great yarn store in Burbank , has their big annual sale on Super Bowl weekend . I took the DASH , which I saw coming down Melrose a minute after I stepped out to freedom , to the Vine Red Line Station . As I was walking to the stairs to go down to the station , I thought I heard someone say my name . I turned around and a man I am sure I had never seen before was talking to me while walking off in the opposite direction . " You 're beautiful ! " Normally I probably would have resorted to my standard half - smile - and - nod , but I was in an excessively good mood because I was , well , free ! I smiled and said , " Thank you , " then went down the stairs . The station is decorated with film - related stuff . I waited a few minutes for the northbound train . Damn , that train is quick ! At the North Hollywood Station , the end of the line , there was a crowd trying to get on the escalator , so I walked up the stairs . All 6 flights or so . But what the hell did I care ? I was free ! It took me a few minutes scratching my head at the map , trying to figure out the huge U - shaped bus bay , but I found the right spot , and after a few minutes I caught a BurbankBus to Hollywood Way and Magnolia . I got off , then proceeded to walk two blocks in the wrong direction . I always come driving up Hollywood Way , so I got a little . . . confused . But I didn 't care , because I was free ! I had a fairly strict shopping list , as I was now unemployed , so this would be my last major yarn purchase for quite a while . 1 I had brought two large fabric shopping bags , and I didn 't even fill them , I swear ! Except I walked out around 5 : 05 , which means I had probably just missed the 183 . It stops at Hollywood Way and Magnolia and stops within a few blocks of my home , but it only runs every hour . 2 But what did I care ? I was . . . well , you know . There 's a Porto 's Bakery at the corner across from the stop . I had never actually been at one , although I 'd been at a couple parties where people had brought their cakes . I decided to get a pastry or something ( I was going to have dinner with friends later ) and a tea and sit and read until the next bus . The pastry line was really long , but , you know , the whole not caring thing . I saw someone picking up a cake with madeleine cookies on top and a little chocolate sign saying " Super Bowl " over the cookies . Um , ok . I went out about 10 minutes before the bus was to come , because I couldn 't afford to miss it . As it was , it would get me there with just enough time to throw Brad ' n ' Sarahliz 's belated Xmas gifts3 in a fake gift bag and drive to the dinner . ( No , I wasn 't going to take the bus 10 miles to the east side of Pasadena . Get over it . ) The bus was more or less on time . I had never ridden it west of the Glendale Galleria , and hadn 't really looked up the route . After the Media Center , it went through what was probably a couple miles of small , residential streets , with lots of stop signs , before it got to San Fernando Road in Glendale . And I got home in plenty of time . I think I was pretty much in a daze all day . It sort of seemed normal for awhile . I got nagged by DBAs , I cursed a stupid user interface , Dan stopped in the door and said , " You 're still here ? " ( he 's been saying that for months ) , and Chang1 was cursing at something . We ended up in a mob for lunch . I was ordered to go with the mail group by Chang . " See all the people who are going to miss you ? " " I don 't even know that guy over there . He 's a vendor . " Turns out 2 of the other 9 people didn 't know I was leaving until the lunch . You know , you count on Dan to exercise his normal rumor - spreading duties and this time he just dropped the ball . Chang flipped me the bird while we were waiting for them to rearrange tables . " This is all your fault ! " I managed to get Julie to sit between us as a buffer , but then he kept making me do the power - fist around her . I had a glass of wine at lunch , and as I rarely drink , that just increased the bizarre quality of the day . Joe asked me if I had driven to work . " Nope , took the bus . " In Hollywood , a glass of wine , even with low tolerance for alcohol , means a good chance you 're probably still one of the more sober people on the bus . They apparently " lost " our order ticket , so we were there an hour before the food came out . People who came in after would get their food . " Hey , that guy has my burger ! " " Those look like my quesadillas ! " Thanks to Ryan for paying my ( 50 % off because we waited so long ) lunch . But we didn 't see the Raleigh hummingbird2 , so I didn 't get to say goodbye . Because lunch ran so late , I had to hurry a little to finish shutting down the computer and saying goodbye to people . Dan had seriously dropped the ball . I felt a little bad when I ended up breaking the news to people by saying goodbye . I also felt a little bad because as I was saying goodbye to people I would truly miss , I had that " I 'm about to be free ! " smile plastered on my face . Joe & Bob : A jacket from the Studio Store . Fortunately the company logo is on the back , so I won 't have to worry about looking down and being constantly reminded ! Thanks guys ! I finished up the 5th floor , went down to the 4th to say bye to Hansen , and then went to my exit interview with HR . I don 't know why I bothered once again detailing why I was unhappy enough to leave , because you figure if they really cared enough to fix things , they would have done it before I left , as I 'd tried to bring it to people 's attention before . But done is done . Except I had left the paperwork on my desk in my cubicle , so I had to go back for it . " Um , no , I didn 't change my mind . Sorry ! " I was lucky that it was still there . The vultures usually descend as soon as you 're out the door , picking out things they want and leaving the rest in disarray . Actually , Dan had already done that in the morning , before I had even left . I stayed up a little too late last night finishing this cardigan . Yes , it was about 2 ½ years since I actually started it . No , it was not at all a complicated pattern , although all those seed stitch borders were pretty torturous . ( Seed stitch is Evil . ) I first saw the yarn , Noro Lily Multi , at the beginning on March 2006 . I had met my parents at Dulles Airport for my grandmother 's 85th birthday . She lived in Richmond with my aunt , but first we spent a day in DC , getting a tour of the Capitol from my cousin , a fire safety engineer there . Afterwards , my father went to the National Air & Space Museum and my mother and I , well , found a yarn store . We took a cab a mile or so from the Mall to a place called Stitch DC . I actually only got two skeins of the Lily at the time because I didn 't know what to do with it , and I was actually a yarn - knitting neophyte , not thinking in sweater terms . We decided to walk back to the museum to meet my father . As we stepped out of the yarn store , my mother told me my father was going to have surgery in a month because he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer . Personally , I think dropping that kind of bomb in the nation 's capital is a form of emotional terrorism , but none of the dozen or so different police forces seemed to notice . They had caught that cancer early , but my father had all kinds of complications from the surgery itself . A pulmonary embolism led to use of anticoagulants , which led to internal bleeding and multiple infections . He was in the hospital for months and had multiple surgeries for the bleeding . But I never believed he wouldn 't make it , even when my usually stoic and optimistic mother panicked . I don 't know if it was denial or what , but it was what it was . And he did make it . Meanwhile , I had found a sweater pattern I liked , a simple one , and ordered more of the same yarn . I was happily knitting away , and had finished the back , the two front pieces , and a sleeve when . . . no more yarn . I was , after all , inexperienced at choosing my own yarn for a pattern and had underestimated . It was by now about a year , I think , since I had bought the original two skeins . I went to order more and . . . it had been discontinued by the manufacturer . 1 They were out . Uh , what ? I finally found someone selling a few leftover skeins on ebay ( yay , ebay to the rescue ! ) , but I had set the sweater aside and started other things . It took me probably another year to get back to it . And then I had to knit those two interminable seed stitch plackets . . . But around that time , my father had been diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer . They only found it at the beginning of June when a brain tumor had altered his behavior . 2 And I knew this time that he wouldn 't make it . I just knew , because of the bad health he 'd been in in the last few years , which had also sapped him emotionally ( I cannot understate the severity of his phobia of hospitals , and after being stuck in one for almost half a year , I can 't blame him all that much ) . I couldn 't tell either of my parents , though , because I didn 't want him to think I had no faith , and I knew my mother didn 't want to believe it . I wasn 't going to try to break her hope . I don 't know if I should have or not , but I did what I thought was best . Of course , he didn 't make it this time . The survival rates once lung cancer has spread that much are grim . We just didn 't expect to lose him in three months . 2 They managed to remove the first brain tumor ( yes , there was a second one found later ) , which was right against the skull in front . When I saw my father in the hospital right after , he said they used a jackhammer to get it out . Yup , that was my father , all right . And as stubborn as he was , they would have needed some serious power tools to get through his thick skull . At my farewell lunch , Hansen noted that he 'd searched for his name in my blog " and it came up all over the place ! " So , to make it easier for him , I added a " hansen " label to posts where he gets mentioned . I 'll even post the label feed for it to make it easier for him ! There are no feline superheroes . There 's Underdog , Mighty Mouse , but no Supercat . The only popular feline image is of Catwoman , and she 's a thief . But " Rocket Butt " isn 't a very flattering name . I 'll call myself Awesome Kitty Powered by Environmentally Safe Rocket Butt ( tm ) . Awesome Kitty for short . But back to my mission . I 'll fight the glom across the hall . If I can 't get to my room one more time . . . Geez . 1Two of those pictures are never going to see the light of day , I promise you . Yeah , um , Pandora 's hair looks bad in them . Or her eyes were closed . Or something . Here 's the real story . My grandmother would send my mother and her sisters to summer camp every year . My Aunt Mary is only about 16 months older than my mother , so they were about the same size and had the same coloring . One year my mother fell off the top bunk onto the concrete floor of the cabin , which was how she actually broke her nose . The camp counselor drove her home . When my grandmother opened the door , she looked at this kid with an extremely swollen face and asked , " Well , which one is it ? " I finally got to watch the film My Neighbor Totoro last night . ( Thanks to Jeanne for loaning it to me . ) It was the 2005 Disney dub with the Fanning sisters ( used in an unobtrusive rather than obnoxiously cute manner ) as sisters Satsuki and Mei . 1 Didn 't go into a whole voice - over prologue . ( " Mei and Satsuki were little girls whose mother was sick and had been in a hospital a long time . They moved with their father to an old , empty farmhouse out in the country , so when their mother came home , she would have healthy air . . . " etc . ) 3 It was raining this morning , for real . I had a dentist appointment about half a mile off from my regular route , so I walked ( uphill ) to my regular stop and got on the first bus that came , one of the Locals . It didn 't matter ; they all stopped about the same place , and the time difference waiting who - knows - how - long for a 780 would have gotten lost in the short distance . Actually , we did get passed by the 780 about two blocks from where I was going to get off , but we caught up to it waiting to make the left turn right before the stop . There 's a Glendale Beeline that goes straight up to the dentist 's office , but it doesn 't run but every 20 - 25 minutes , and rain throws all bus schedules out the window , so I started walking , uphill , in the rain . ( I did bring an umbrella , because , well , I plan ahead . And I need to keep my backpack overfull . ) After the dentist went scrape scrape , grind grind , vroom vroom , I went outside , didn 't see a Beeline , and started walking back toward Broadway , still in the rain , still uphill . Well , maybe not . But as I had taken a Local this morning , I had to walk further to get to a 780 stop . Of course , a 780 went by when I was still 2 blocks from the stop . A young man got to the stop a couple minutes after I did and asked if these buses would take him to Hollywood and Highland . I told him the 780 would . He said he was from New York , so he was used to the subway . I gave him a quick run - down of public transportation in the Los Angeles area , because , well , that 's what I do . He hadn 't known there was any kind of light rail . He asked how hard it would be to get back to LAX . " Um , well , it would be several buses . " I told him to take a shuttle . Right before the 780 finally came , he asked where he should get off . " Oh , this one will take you right there , " I assured him , and that as long as he left before 8PM , he could take the same bus straight back . Once again , the bus was pretty full . I ended up taking a seat near the back and pulled out the book I had just started reading . The man I had sat down next to asked if it was fiction or non - fiction . I told him fiction , and he said he seemed to end up reading mostly non - fiction now , like Obama 's book . I told him about the Gertrude Bell biography I had just finished , and we walked about Iraq , the election , the inauguration ( he had almost gone but had to cancel at the last minute , with regrets ) . He 's the editor of the on - line paper The Scoop LA , which covers mainly entertainment , although he had added a commentary page for current events . We both got off on Western , but he went for the Red Line , and I went for the southbound buses . A 207 was already sitting at the corner . . . and sitting , and sitting . . . It was in one of the ancient buses which , instead of a ramp that just flips out for wheelchair access1 , has an elevator - type contraption to carry the chair up the steps . This contraption appeared to be stuck in the " outside the door " position . No one was on the elevator , but it appeared that it could not retract completely . The bus was full of people , and they should have been able to get out the back door , but it was closed and no one was making a move for it . A 757 showed up about a minute after I got there , and I would have expected the driver to open the back door for people to switch buses , but that didn 't happen . Oh , well . Although it rained pretty steadily most of the day , it had finally stopped when I left . I went out front to wait for the DASH . Another frequent rider was there and said he 'd been waiting about 5 minutes , so I stopped to wait . A southbound - DASH went by about 10 minutes later . " That 's not good . " The other one2 apparently had just been going south right before I came out . I said , " Um , I think I 'll just walk to Western . " 3 The northbound DASH got to the Western / Melrose corner right as I did , but I decided to take my chances waiting for a bus there . I ended up only having to wait about 2 minutes for a 757 . It wasn 't very crowded , but there was a man standing in front of the middle door and texting on his cell phone . 4 After the one person behind me had gotten on , the driver closed the doors , but then reopened the exit . The man didn 't look up from his phone until she had closed the doors again and started pulling away . " This was my stop . " Ok , if you want the driver to pay attention to you so you have any chance of getting them to get the door open and let you off before they 've pulled away from the curb completely , you need to give it some volume , use some force , and keep it simple . I can bellow a pretty good " Back door ! " myself . This guy needed serious practice . He walked up to the driver , still looking at his cell phone screen , and said some things I couldn 't totally make out . The driver had a much more commanding voice , and told him she had opened the door for him twice . I heard him say that she must have seen there were people still running for the bus and she should have stopped for them . 5 She told him that she was 30 minutes off from Wilshire . Wilshire is about 1 ½ miles south on Western . Even if she had been exaggerating by 200 % , that was still butt - slow , and I realized then that we were still moving really , really slowly . Traffic really was awful . She told him he had already wasted her time and everyone 's on the bus . Yes , still fiddling with the cell phone , he apologized and sat down . 6 For the second night this week , I tried to take a picture of St John 's Urge . Technically , it 's an urgent care center , but the lights for all the letters after the " Urge " part have been out since I can remember seeing it , over a year . Tonight 's picture is a little better than the first one , but even that took a lot of amateur tinkering in the GIMP . I got off at Vine with about 10 minutes until the next DASH . It was no longer raining , but those stones they use for the Hollywood Walk of Fame sidewalks are incredibly slick when went . A woman whose garb screamed " tourist , " wearing cheap plastic flip - flops , made the mistake of walking on the sloped wheelchair access at the Argyle crosswalk instead of stepping off the perpendicular curb , and I saw the horror cross her face as she narrowly avoided a buttplant . A man came up and asked me if the DASH stopped at the studio lot . I said yes . He asked if I was in The Industry . I figured it was more or less true , so I said yes . " PA " is short for " Production Assistant , " but it automatically gets translated to " gopher " or maybe " low - wage wannabe - mogul " or just " slave " in my head . Most of them are just out of school . I am not sure if the comment was about my age , my pink backpack , or some look of vacuous ambition on my face , but the DASH came , I got on , and we were off . The DASH came about 5 seconds after I walked out . Shirley was already at the stop and said she had been there 20 minutes . Ouch . I just missed the 780 at Vine , but only had to wait about 10 minutes for another one . Meanwhile , a small white pickup had stalled in the right - hand lane on Hollywood right in front of the stop , so cars that had been behind it were going around via the bus lane . I couldn 't see anyone still in the pickup and the driver hadn 't made any attempt to , oh , I don 't know , get the thing out of the traffic lane . It would have been trivial to push it onto Argyle from there . Those words were written by Gertrude Bell almost 90 years ago , when she was one of the key players in the British administration to build a cohesive and what was supposed to be an eventually independent nation in Iraq . They established a somewhat - democratically elected government under the non - Iraqi Faisal bin Hussein , son of the Sharif of Mecca . Faisal was elected king of Iraq in 1921 by the forming nation 's various tribes - - with the strong urging of the British , Bell in particular , who was charmed by Faisal 's bearing , intelligence , and even - handedness . The new nation had its first elections in 1924 , and the British could take a slightly less active role in the country 's affairs . 1 Bell had never married . The great love of her life had been a British officer . In a different age he would almost certainly have divorced his difficult and ill - matched wife for Bell , but they didn 't live in that age , and he died at Gallipoli . She visited her beloved family in Britain one last time in 1925 , but years of loss of loved ones and of difficult choices had left her depressed , and she was frail and tired and had possibly been diagnosed on that visit with a terminal lung ailment , perhaps cancer . Her maid found her dead of a sleeping pill overdose on July 12 , 1926 , a few days before her 58th birthday . She was buried in Baghdad at a state funeral , and her parents received a flood of condolences from people who had worked with her over the years , known her personally , or admired her from afar , including Winston Churchill , King George V , and of course , King Faisal . Once again , Spoon ruined the light level on the pictures , making the shawl look much darker than it is . For reference , this photograph shows the actual colors better . 1 The shawl is approximately 73 " x 21 " ( 185cm x 53cm ) . 2 Blocking is process of " setting " your knitted or crocheted fabric to the shape and dimensions you want ( or as close as possible , if you get way off gauge like I sometimes do ) . The specifics of the process vary by fiber used , but generally you dampen it and pin it into the shape you want , although not necessarily in that order . I pinned this shawl down while dry and steamed it with an iron . The Beeline was about 5 minutes late . Whatever . But a woman got on at the same stop I did and then remained in front of the yellow line talking to the driver about something . I couldn 't make most of it out , but she kept pointing at the meter and he got out a notepad and we were already sitting there a couple minutes when their voices got a little more strident . Finally he told her she needed to sit down , but she just stood there saying she was going to get off " right down there . " Finally she moved close enough to the yellow line that the driver just gave up . He stopped at the next stop , assuming as I had that " right down there " meant " the next stop . " Well , no , she wanted to get off at the next stop , or something . She did sit down and didn 't end up getting off until several stops later , but of course as she was going out the front door , she had to say a few more things to the driver . I was getting really close to telling her to call the damned customer service line , because she was wasting the time of everyone on the bus . We finally made it to the stop a block away from the 780 stop , but as I was starting down the block , I saw the 780 go by . " Fuck ! " If that woman had shut her yap , I would have totally made it . The next 780 did come about 15 minutes later , but not until someone had tried to convert me to something . But the whole thing had thrown off my schedule that I got to work half an hour after I would have if the woman hadn 't bitched forever about transfers or something . I was not happy . Window Kitty wasn 't even in his window when I walked by , but that bike wheel was still locked to that signpost ! One of the interior decorating shops has this weird robot in the front window . If we 're coming back in the shuttle from lunch , we always wave at it because it 's Bob 's buddy . The other day , Bob was excited because the red light on its head was turned on for the first time ! Wow ! A block before I hit Western I saw another DASH waiting to make the left . This one was closer to the right schedule , so the last one must have been really messed up . I decided a bird in the hand is better than waiting across the street for another bus ( plus the 780s are usually less crowded at the Vine stop than the Western stop , so I 'm more likely to get a window seat ) so I just got on the DASH . Of course , this brought me right back to work . Two young dumbasses got on there . One of them proceeded to thrill me with his cultural literacy and astonishing articulation . As I 've mentioned previously , Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan is one of my comfort movies . As Ricardo Montalban had died yesterday and the theater named for him is on Vine halfway between Sunset and Hollywood , last night I had gotten off the DASH one stop early to try to walk by and take a picture . Um , not for myself , of course . However , because they 're building that ungodly WHollywood thing , the sidewalk across the street from the theater was closed , so I couldn 't get a proper angle . I did find Clara Bow 's star along the way , but that 's irrelevant . Tonight , I stayed on the bus , but because we had to stop almost right in front of the theater , I tried to take a picture . You can 't make out the letters spelling out the memoriam , though . Oh , well . The driver was trying to make the right turn onto Hollywood right as the light was changing , and some dumbass was trying to make a left turn into the same ( right ) lane , making it impossible for the bus to make its wide turn until the dumbass driver did , except he was stopped waiting for the bus . The bus driver started flailing at him to move , then shouted , " Fuck ! " Then immediately apologized to us all ( me , the two poster children for expository speaking , and some guy all the way in the back with his headphones on ) . I told her that it was ok , because that 's why I didn 't drive . She replied , " Some people are just . . . Lord help me ! " If you 've ever bothered to scroll all the way down my sidebar , you 'll see that I have a lot of projects in various stages of completion . ( This doesn 't even count the number I have queued but haven 't started . ) Believe it or not , I normally really do make at least a little progress on each of them every month . I just need , um , lots of variety . And I have a weird system for choosing when which project gets started , which I won 't describe here , or probably anywhere . 1 For over a month , though , I was going overtime on all the Xmas presents I was making . 2 I didn 't finish them all : my mother got a half - finished sweater that is now close to being finished3 I 've finished two others4 but still need to get them to the recipients . In addition to my mother 's sweater , I still have to finish one more small gift . I should be able to get those both done this 3 - day weekend . 5 Anyway , I have finally been able to start working my own stuff into the mix again . In the past week , in addition to the penguin scarf , I finished an experimental bag ( left ) that had been sitting around waiting for the lining to get sewn in6 . And , for the first time in over 6 months , I managed to get a sweater done ! I was sitting on the couch , picking up stitches along the front edge of my Vogue Cardigan from Hell1 . No one enjoys picking up stitches . For one thing , it 's never a 1 : 1 ratio of stitches , so you have to do some math to figure out how to space the stitches . 2 Now , normally I 'm very good at math , but no matter how many times I do the math when calculating picking up stitches , I always get it wrong and have to rip back the entire row and start again , usually more than once . That means that I end up with a bunch of ripped out yarn , which usually ends up hanging over the edge of the couch and getting on to the floor . . . That 's where Spoon comes in . I was sitting there , redoing the pick up row for , oh , the third or fourth time , when I felt a tug . Mr Chubby Butt was trying to disembowel my yarn . I shooed him off3 and went back to work . Awhile later , I reached a , um , wet spot . Ok , whatever . I looked to see how much he had slobbered on , and then I came to this chewed - off end . I had finally picked up the row with the right number of stitches and was in the middle of purling the stitches of the picked up row front & back , which is a pain , and I was staring at this slobbery yarn end thinking , " There is no way in hell I am going to rip out this half row . " 4 3Actually , I think I yelled , " Cat ! " I think they know by now that I only say the word at that volume and with that enunciation when I 'm displeased , which means they ignore me anyway . " Oh , yeah , she must be pissed at that other cat . " According to this " Totoro Encyclopedia , " the Ō Totoro ( large Totoro ) is at least 3 meters tall , Chu ( apparently translates to medium , is this correct ? ) Totoro is about 60cm , and the Chibi ( small ? ) Totoro is 20cm . And can turn invisible . I should have saved the time I spent making Steve the Chibi Totoro and given him an invisible one . Well , ok , maybe not . ( BTW , after I had sewn the chibi 's bottom closed and put on the feet , I realized he was way too skinny . I had to open the bottom back up and do some reverse liposuction . ( Lipoinflation ? ) ) I decided that while I was waiting for the straw that would inevitably break the camel 's back , the camel was already lying dead on the ground and starting to decompose . So , I turned in my letter of resignation the week before Christmas , but offered to stay until the end of January to document and finish up some projects . After that , it 's " Screw you guys , I 'm going home . . . for good ! " This morning yet another driver waiting not - so - patiently to make a right turn on red was trying to roll into the crosswalk even though there were already people in the crosswalk right in front of him . Then he looked over and there was a police car parallel to him in the left turn lane . He stopped rolling . Dumbass . I was waiting for the 780 . The first bus to go by was a 180 . Then , about 5 minutes later , another orange Local was coming , and it also looked like the number in the headsign was 180 , but they just don 't come that often . I looked again and it was a 780 . I walked from Western again and made sure to check the storefront which had the kitty in it the other day . Sure enough , there he was , catching the morning sunlight . This time he posed for me , rolling around and stretching . I was cleaning out my camera phone and came across this picture from almost 1 ½ years ago , when I was still investigating alternate bus options for work . The sign was posted in the front yard of a house on a residential street about a block from work . Just parse it by prefixing " Dogs " to each line . . . Apparently I 'm not the only pedestrian who experiences road rage at the absolute lack of respectful safety shown to pedestrians by drivers . I posted about it on Ravelry in the " I Knit So I Do Not Kill People " forum and other people have similar feelings . As " road rage " generally refers to excessively aggressive driving , I think we need a pedestrian equivalent : Crosswalk Rage . With no sign of a bus , I walked from Western this morning . That bicycle wheel is still locked to that sign . That must be some awesome lock . Usually the wheels are the first thing to go . There are a lot of little antique , furniture , and / or internal finishing shops along Melrose . Something caught my eye in one window front . It was a kitty ! He ( I think marmalades are always supposed to be male ) opened one eye half - way at me , then went back to basking in the sun . I didn 't have a very eventful ride home , not having to wait more than a few minutes for any one bus . There were 3 police cars stopped in front of a gas station on my last walk home , though . The police were all standing around one car , but I couldn 't see what was going on . |
By the time Elana reached the house the clouds had completely covered the moon and soft , light snowflakes had begun to fall . She was shaking - not with cold but with anger that had been growing steadily since she had watched Darien Stewart walk off into the trees . Elana slammed the door hard and kicked off her boots into a corner of the laundry room . She was just struggling with her jacket zipper when Chandra walked in . " What 's with the noise ? " she asked , then she did a double take when she saw Elana 's face . " What 's wrong ? Is there a problem with the greenhouses ? " Chandra reached out and pulled down the zipper that Elana 's shaking hands hadn 't been able to budge . " I 'm just making cocoa . Want some ? " " Oh yes , please . " Elana took a few deep breaths to calm herself as she hung up her jacket , then she followed Chandra into the kitchen . " It 's starting to snow - that wasn 't on the forecast . " " Weathermen ! " Chandra said with scorn . " Do they ever get it right ? Don 't worry about it . There 'll probably only be a few flurries and then it 'll stop . " The hot cocoa only soothed Elana for a short time . She lay in her bed unable to sleep as the scene in the forest played over and over again in her mind . Was the man insane ? She shuddered . How could she have let him kiss her like that and then just stand there and do nothing ? The worst thing was that the kiss should have been awful , but it wasn 't awful . What was wrong with her ? Had it been so long since she had been kissed that some crazed guy could come up and kiss her and her and her body would respond ? She hated Darien . Hated ! And yet she 'd just stood there and let him do it . She wiped the back of her hand against her mouth for about the hundredth time but it did nothing to erase the sensation that still remained there . And then there was all that stuff he had said . He loved her ? What kind of BS was that ? They 'd barely ever spoken to each other . And he sure had a low opinion of her . What did he mean by someone like you ? He knew nothing about her . So what if she was divorced . So what if she had a kid . Did that make her some kind of leper ? How on earth did the house she lived in define her as a person , especially as she had nothing to do with the terrible shape it had been in before she had moved in ? Anyway , what was he doing kissing her when he had a girlfriend ? Did he think because she was such a low class person that he could just screw around with her on the side ? She ought to have slapped his arrogant face , or kicked him right in the . . . instead she 'd just let him kiss her again . He probably thought . . . that she 'd liked it . That she 'd wanted it . Well , she 'd straighten that out next time she saw him . Her blankets were all tangled from her restless twisting about . Elana got out of bed and tried to remake it . She needed to forget about that creep and get some sleep . She heard Cody 's door open and close as he went to the bathroom , and then the padding of his footsteps as he came up beside her . Elana looked out the window for the first time that night . The light flurries had turned into large , steadily falling flakes . The trees were transformed , their layered branches white and drooping . The ground was covered but for some bare patches under the trees . " Can I stay in your bed with you for a bit and watch it ? " She was in a dark wood . Weird shadows swooped and fell as light beams arced across the sky , breaking against the trees . Irregular pounding noises echoed through the night . And distant animals called to each other in the depths of the blackness . Fear gripped her . The sounds were coming nearer , the lights more distracting . She started pulling herself up through the trees - higher , higher . Branches closed in . The air was fetid . Unbearable . She was gasping , her throat almost raw . And suddenly she was awake , her blankets tight around her and Cody sleeping heavily on her chest . But the sounds persisted - distant voices and banging - and careening shadows cast from swinging lights . Elana shook her head to try to clear it and carefully slipped out from underneath Cody . He mumbled and turned in his sleep but did not wake . With her mind still full of the terror of her dream she looked out the window to try to make sense of the noise and the light . The snow was incredibly deep and still falling - but now it was heavy , wet snow . She could only see formless shapes - nothing that made sense . Trees broke her view and the flashing lights obscured her vision , but something was happening out by her greenhouses . She ran to the laundry room and threw on her jacket , dug around in the far corner of the room for the snow boots she 'd kicked off just a few hours before . She stuck her bare feet into them , stuffed her pyjama pants firmly in , and tied the laces . Hoping there were gloves in her pockets she ran out the door and down the trail . Eerie figures were silhouetted against a greenhouse glowing with opaque light . She was about to run over to them when the sound of plastic rending and a dull crash made her turn her head . Darien Stewart was standing a few feet from her , knife raised in the act of slashing the plastic of one of the greenhouses . Beyond him , great gaping holes made the three other greenhouses look like skeletal frames rising out of the snow . " What the heck are you doing ? " she cried as she ran towards him and grabbed at the arm that was wielding the knife . " Have you completely lost your senses ? Why are you wrecking my place ? " Elana didn 't want to hear what he had to say . She 'd had a terrible night because of him , and now . . . this senseless , wilful destruction of her property ? Everything that had been going through her head for the greater part of the evening suddenly exploded from her . " I know you don 't like me living here - you made that perfectly clear the first time we met . What do you think you 'll gain by sabotaging my business ? You should know by now that nothing will induce me to move . You knock it down and I 'll build it all back up ! You know I can - I won 't let you or anything you do stand in my way . " The figures , voices and lights beyond the other greenhouse , the one that was now behind her , no longer made any impression upon her senses . All that concerned her was Darien and the knife that was in his hand . He wrested his arm from her grasp . " You don 't understand . I 'm trying to . . . " " You 're right ! I don 't understand anything about you . Here you are tearing my place apart and a few hours ago you were coming on to me . And don 't think . . . and don 't think I liked it ! " Elana stopped for a breath . Darien had been on the point of moving , but he froze in a half turn , his eyes focused on her face . " I 'm listening , " he said . The snow was coming down wet upon them , but his voice was colder than the lashing sleet , colder than the air that caught in her throat . Elana was beyond feeling the cold . She was driven by the need to tell Darien exactly what she thought of him before she ordered him off her property forever . " You are so arrogant , coming here and kissing me like that and then telling me how I 'm totally wrong for you but you can 't control your feelings . Your feelings ! What about my feelings ? Did you even consider them ? What have I ever done that would make you think I could possibly want you to kiss me ? Or does every girl that you deign to kiss fall at your feet in ecstasy at the privilege ? And what about your girlfriend Lina ? Is she not giving it out , so you figured why not try the tart next door ? After all , someone like me , with my background , divorced , with a child , living in what you consider a hovel , is sure to be dying to get into bed with you ! What do you even know about me anyway ? And you have the amazing nerve to say that you love me and expect me to believe it ? " Darien hadn 't moved . Melting snow dripped through his hair and down his face but he made no attempt to brush it off . " I do love you . " His words were fragile , like the first paper - thin ice on a pond . Elana felt compelled say whatever she could to make his admission untrue . The very idea made her sick to the stomach . " How can you stand there and say that to me ? You 've still got the knife in your hand that you 're trashing my greenhouses with . What kind of weird , perverted love is that ? Why am I even talking to you ? You 're obviously deranged . Look - I 'm going to say this very clearly so you 'll understand . I don 't like you . I 've never liked you . You 've never done anything that would make me like you . You 're rude , arrogant , conceited , romantically inept , and certifiable . I want you off my property now ! " Her voice and her fury had risen together as she spoke , and when she was done she stood , breathing heavily , ready to face whatever confrontation was in store for her . Darien finally turned his body away , as if they had been playing statues and he had just been allowed to move again , and walked quickly from her to the side of the greenhouse , ripping his knife through the snow and the plastic viciously . She ran after him and grabbed at his arm but he shook her off and kept going until the roof had caved in all the way along and the snow that had covered it was lying in heaps inside the tattered greenhouse . " Stop ! Please damn you , stop ! Are you completely insane ? " Elana beat on his back with her fists . Her anger was giving way to tears . She felt impotent and helpless against his rampage . " Let me do this and then I 'll go . " Sam came around the other greenhouse , a lantern in one hand and a shovel in the other . " Darien , leave that . We 've got to get the other heated house cleared before it caves . Here 's a shovel . " " I 'm all done here anyway , Sam , and I 've already got one , " he said as he picked up a shovel that was leaning against the end of the greenhouse . " Get Colin and Carl in there to buttress it with those two by eights we brought . That should stop it from collapsing before we get all the snow off . " He turned back to Elana and said , so quietly that she almost didn 't hear him , " I get it . You hate me . Just forget I ever said I love you , if that 'll make you feel better . I 'm going to finish this then I 'll get out of your life . " Elana watched as Darien , Sam , and Dennis began shovelling the snow off the greenhouse roof . It was as if , since she had woken from her dream , this was the first time she could see clearly . Before that she 'd had tunnel vision . There was almost two feet of snow on the greenhouse and it was creaking under the weight . The light , fluffy snow she and Cody had watched with such pleasure was made heavier by the sleet that was still steadily falling . Colin and Carl dragged unwieldy posts into the greenhouse . She could see their dim shadows propping them under the arches of the roof . She turned and looked at the other greenhouses , the cold frames that were still empty , waiting for warmer weather to have the young plants moved into them . The snow was falling harmlessly through the great holes torn in their roofs . She looked down at herself . Her jacket was open . Her pyjamas clung wetly to her legs . But she was still impervious to the cold . All except for her hands , which had started shaking . She put them in her jacket pockets and found gloves , put them on , and then went in search of a shovel . Dawn was weakly erasing the darkness when they finished clearing the greenhouse roof . But now that there was no more mindless shovelling , the enormity of what had happened hit Elana in wave after shocking wave . She was no longer resistant to the cold . It seeped through her legs , her hands and her face right into her bones , compounding the misery she already felt in her soul . She couldn 't face the men , even to offer her thanks . She put her shovel in the shed and went into the house through the laundry room door . For some reason Joy was there , helping her out of her wet things and wrapping her up in a blanket . She was led to the living room where a fire was burning , giving off more warmth and comfort then she thought existed in the world . She crumpled onto the carpet and clung to Joy who stroked her hair and whispered consolingly . " I was sleeping , " said Elana into Joy 's shoulder . " Where did they come from ? How did they know ? I could have lost everything . " " Chandra told me that Darien Stewart came over and woke Sam up and called the others , I guess they didn 't want to disturb us . " Joy hugged Elana closer as she suddenly broke into sobs . " Hush . Everything 's fine . Chandra and I have been up for a couple of hours . I even made this fire . Aren 't you proud of me ? " Elana nodded her head . Her sobs turned to ragged whimpers as Joy continued to speak in her soft reassuring voice . " Chandra 's taken cocoa and sandwiches over to Darien 's place with the guys . She invited them in here but they decided to go there and give you some peace and quiet . They were right - you 're completely worn out . " " He wouldn 't want to come in here anyway , not after . . . " Elana broke off as she remembered Darien 's last words to her . How had he managed to speak so calmly after all the things she had said to him ? " What 's that , Honey ? " said Joy , leaning her head closer to Elana 's in an attempt to hear her muffled words . " Oh Joy ! I 'm such a blind fool ! I 've done something so very terrible - I don 't know how I can face anybody ever again . " Elana began crying once more and refused to say anything else when Joy asked her what she meant . So Joy just held her , rocking back and forth and rubbing her back until she quietened . They sat like that until Joy had to get up and stoke the waning fire . Then Elana just lay on the carpet and stared into the flames . What had she done ? She had accused Darien of destroying her property when all the time he 'd been trying to save it . He 'd woken Sam - organised everything . Without him her greenhouses would surely have collapsed and she 'd have lost everything she 'd worked so hard for all fall and winter . Her livelihood was saved because of him . If he hadn 't have been such a jerk earlier in the night would she have realised what was going on when she 'd gone outside to check ? Would she have listened to him when he 'd tried to explain what he was doing there ? Or would she still have made a complete and utter fool of herself ? It was hard for her to believe that he had done what he had , even though the evidence was right before her eyes , even though she 'd worked alongside him to clear the snow off the last house . Darien Stewart - the guy who despised the very existence of her greenhouse business . He 'd come to her rescue . Was he nicer than she 'd realised ? Or had he done it out of love ? She had no idea how she felt about his love now . A few hours ago the concept had filled her with nausea , but now she didn 't know what to think . It didn 't matter anyway because by now he hated her just as much as she hated him . Only she couldn 't feel that same depth of animosity anymore . Not after what he 'd done to help her . She had to face the fact that she had totally misjudged him . And as she tried to come to terms with her shame about the things she 'd said to him , she attempted to equate the man who went out of his way in the middle of the night to help a neighbour with the one who had told her that he loved her against his will and despite what a terrible sort of person he thought she was . Joy finally managed to get Elana to sit in the armchair , which she had moved close to the fire . She tucked another blanket around her and then went to the kitchen to fetch her a hot drink and a sandwich . Elana sipped the cocoa absently but didn 't even touch the food . The flames danced and flickered before her eyes . She watched the patterns they made , studied the variations of colour - from white to blue to yellow to orange - and followed the sparks as they broke off and rose to disappear up the chimney . Eventually she fell asleep . Joy removed the cup from her limp fingers before the cold chocolate spilled all over her lap . Chapter Seventeen Darien slumped in his chair after everyone had gone . There was a cold cup of coffee in front of him and a plate with a partially eaten sandwich . After the sleepless night , the realisation of the danger from the snow , the frenetic work in the dark and bitter cold , and Elana 's sudden angry and accusatory outburst , his mind was only capable of focusing on one thing . She hated him . Justie came through the doorway into the kitchen and looked around . " That must have been some party . " Darien barely moved his head to acknowledge her presence . " Who was here ? What happened ? You look terrible . " She began picking up the mugs and plates that were scattered over the table and putting them in the dishwasher . Darien rubbed his eyes and took a sip of his coffee , and then pushed it away with a shudder . " Is there any left in the pot ? " he asked . " Don 't bother , " he said as he leaned his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands . " I 'd probably let it go cold again . I 'm not capable of anything right now . " " Are you going to tell me about it or should I hunt for clues ? " She picked up a plate and motioned with it . " Colin always leaves his crust . " Then she looked inside a mug and poured what was left in it down the drain . " Extra cream . Carl was here . " Justie looked at him enquiringly . " What else . . . I mean you guys were out there in the middle of the night shovelling snow so her greenhouses wouldn 't cave in . " " When she came outside I was slashing plastic . She thought I was some kind of psycho saboteur and she blew up at me . " Justie almost laughed but thought better of it . From the expression on her brother 's face she could tell he wasn 't joking . " But once she figured out what was going on . . . " Darien pushed back his chair and began walking around the room . " It 's pretty simple . She can 't stand me . I 'm rude , I 'm arrogant , I 'm conceited , I 'm certifiable . . . why am I telling you all this ? Forget it - it 's nothing - I need to get some sleep . " He walked through the doorway without a backward glance at Justie who watched him go , a bewildered expression on her face . As he climbed the stairs to his room the words Elana had thrown at him revolved around in his head . Especially the ones he hadn 't mentioned to his sister . Romantically inept . Obviously she had been referring to that interlude in the woods . But she hadn 't put up any resistance at the time . Her lips had been soft , and warm and not completely unresponsive . Or so it had seemed to him . He had left her there in the moonlight with such a feeling of euphoria and contentment running through him . He would never feel that way again . Thinking about the kiss only made everything worse . He had to get her out of his mind if he hoped to ever dull the pain because , despite all her unkind words , her misconceptions and the unshakable fact that she hated him , he loved her and he knew that would not change . When Elana awoke she wondered why she was sleeping in the living room in the armchair , wearing nothing but the blankets she was wrapped in , then the ordeal of the night before came back to her . She turned to the window and saw that wet flakes of snow were still falling . Holding the blankets tightly , she got up and trudged into the kitchen . Every part of her body was aching . Chandra was at the sink , washing dishes . " Relax - school 's cancelled today because of the snow . Cody 's outside playing in it . He 's pretty excited but I told him not to disturb you . Want some breakfast ? " Elana hurried to her bedroom . After a hot shower and with warm , dry clothes on she felt a bit better , but none of those things could rid her of the oppressive feelings that were weighting her down . She returned to the kitchen where Sam was sitting drinking tea and eating a piece of pie . " I never thanked you , " she said as she sat down opposite him . " I feel so terrible . After everything you guys did to save my greenhouses I didn 't thank a single one of you . " " Darien Stewart 's the one you really need to thank , " said Sam . " I know - and I need to apologise to him . I sort of exploded - I didn 't know what was going on . " " I don 't think I 'll be able to look him in the eye again , " said Elana with a long sigh . She felt tears welling up in her eyes and she did her best to hold them back . There was no way she was going to cry in front of Sam . " I guess I should have listened to you before when you told me he wasn 't as bad as I thought . Some of the things I said to him were justified , but I accused him of being insane and of destroying my greenhouses on purpose when he was only trying to help me . How did he know the greenhouses were in danger ? I was sleeping and you were sleeping - I shudder to think what would have happened if he didn 't wake you up and call the other guys . " Sam put his teacup down . " Green Valley Farms lost three houses , and Arboflora in Merville lost all eight of theirs . Even Village Gardens in town had one that half - way collapsed and they were out half the night like us , clearing the snow off . " " Oh my God ! " said Elana . " I 've been out checking your houses . There 's a few bent arches , but no real structural damage to any of them . If the plastic hadn 't been cut you would 've lost a couple - there 's no way we could 've shovelled all that snow off in time . " Elana couldn 't speak . All she could do was think of all those terrible things she had said to Darien . Even if some of them were true , it was awful that she had thrown them at him while he was out in the freezing sleet saving her livelihood . " Don 't look so shocked , Elana . Everything 's fine - there 's no point in worrying about what might have happened because it didn 't happen . Just thank your lucky stars . " " I 'm completely indebted to Darien Stewart , " said Elana in a shaky voice . " Is that so very terrible ? " Sam asked . " And the rest of you guys too . You were all so wonderful coming out in the middle of the night like that and working so hard . " " That 's what friends are for , " said Sam with a smile . Elana heard an engine outside , and a rumbling , scraping noise . " What 's that ? " Sam shuffled over to her and patted her on the shoulder . " I think you need to go back to bed and get some more sleep , Elana . " He helped her out of her chair and guided her to her room . " See you tomorrow , " he said as he hugged her shoulders and then pushed her gently through her doorway . Cody wasn 't pleased about the snowploughing because it meant that he was able to get to school the next day . Elana drove him through the light drizzle and then went to her insurance office to see if she could make a claim for any damages . She could not . The broker told her that even if her greenhouses had collapsed there would have been no compensation unless they were under warranty . After that she priced the cost of replacing the plastic and returned home in a troubled state of mind . She needed to have money coming in before that amount of money could go out . In the next few days she saw Carl , Colin , and Dennis and was able to thank them properly , but she still hadn 't got up the nerve to go to Stewart Stables and thank Darien . All she could remember was that look on his face when he had told her to forget that he had said he loved her . She was afraid to witness that pain again , and she was filled with shame about so much of what she had said to him . She contemplated writing him a note , but that was a coward 's way out . By Friday the snow had been washed away and the ground was saturated with water . The soccer fields in town looked like a lake . Elana came back from a trip to Superstore to find a truck in her driveway and a team of workers stripping the shredded plastic from her greenhouses . " No . . . I just wasn 't aware , " said Elana . " You go ahead and do the job - I 'll speak to Mr Stewart . I should be paying for it - not him . " Elana contemplated charging through the bush and climbing the fence , but instead walked quickly down the length of her driveway and then up Darien 's even longer one . The first person she saw when she arrived at the stables was Lina , who was just about to get into her silver BMW . " Do you know where Darien is ? " Elana asked her breathlessly . Lina studied the polish on her fingernails . " Yes , " was all she said . After waiting a few moments Elana lost her patience . " I asked because I 'm looking for him . " " I don 't see what you could possibly have to discuss with him , " said Lina , " but he 's busy at this moment . " She got into her car and started the engine , and then she opened her window and stuck her head out . " I suggest you phone and leave a message on the answering machine . I 'm sure that someone will get back to you when they find the time . " As Lina drove away , Elana looked about . There were too many choices - the barns , the stables , the riding ring , the house . She had been hoping to find him outside somewhere ; she didn 't want to go up to his house . She felt that there she would be on too uneven a footing . Sighing , she walked towards the closest building and looked inside . There were tractors and wagons and other farm implements but nobody was around . Next she went into the small stable off the paddock where Cody usually had his lesson . She was greeted by the snorts of one or two of the horses that had broken off munching their hay , but other than that the building was empty . She began walking to the larger stable that was further back in the property when she noticed a rider in a far field . There was no mistaking who it was . She walked up to the fence and stood there , hoping he would notice her and come in . She was leaning up against the fence for about five minutes before the rider became aware of her presence . She saw the sudden balk as he stopped the horse mid stride , and then turned it in her direction . The closer he got the more apprehensive she became . He seemed at the same time to be coming towards her too quickly and too slowly . When he was close enough for her to see his face she looked at the horse instead . He brought the animal right up to the fence before he dismounted . He looped the reins around the fence post a couple of times and then came over to stand across from her . Neither of them spoke at first . All Elana could do was concentrate on the rings on the bridle by the horse 's cheek . Elana 's head shot up to look at him . His face was as blank and expressionless as his voice . She had been going to thank him first , and then apologise , and then tell him that she would pay for the plastic . Instead she blurted out , " Why did you do it ? How do you know I already haven 't ordered new plastic ? " " But . . . but the greenhouses would have collapsed if you hadn 't done it . " Elana was looking at the horse 's head again . " Maybe , maybe not . I 'm the one who took that risk without consulting you . It 's my responsibility . " " Don 't be crazy ! " cried Elana . And then she turned red when she realised what she had just said . " I am perfectly sane . " Darien 's voice was colder than ever . Elana looked back at him again . " I didn 't mean . . . that was a stupid thing to say . . . after what you did for me . . . I know . . . I know . . . " Elana kicked the fence . " Don 't go yet , I still have to apologise , " she said , but Darien was already too far away to hear her . She thought of yelling it after him , but she was close to tears and too angry to apologise . And now he expected her to let him pay for the plastic . She stared after him watching his back , erect as his body swayed gently with the horse 's natural rhythm . He didn 't turn around . She could add pride to his list of faults at the same time as she grudgingly added generosity to his list of virtues . It had been one of the hardest things he 'd ever done . He had known she would come . There was no way she would have let him pay for the plastic without a word . But he hadn 't been prepared for the way his heart lurched when he had seen her waiting for him beside the fence . He 'd felt a sudden thrill as if she 'd come because she wanted to see him . But he knew it was only about the plastic . When he got to the fence she 'd done her best not to even look at him , and when she did , though he 'd longed to see her eyes , he wished he hadn 't . There was no spark in their depths for him . Only anger . And it had caused him to fall back behind a defence of reserve , but rather than stop the pain it had only made him distant and cold . He had meant it when he 'd said that he hadn 't helped her for thanks . He 'd helped her because he 'd watched all the work and determination that had gone into restoring the greenhouses and planting all her cuttings and seedlings . He 'd have done anything not to see her spirit shattered and destroyed . When he 'd woken and seen the snow , the first thing he had thought of was her - and when he 'd looked out his window and seen how deeply her greenhouses were covered he knew immediately what he had to do . He 'd slashed that plastic with such frenzy not for praise or thanks but because he wanted to spare her any suffering . And he 'd done it all with love . But he should have extended that love to allowing her to thank him . As he walked the horse away from her he did not permit himself to turn his head . If he had done so he would have ridden back to her and given way to his barely suppressible urge to hold her and comfort her . But he knew that comfort from him wasn 't what she wanted . She 'd accused him before of not giving any thought to her feelings . Considering her feelings was now foremost in his mind . Chapter Eighteen Elana was grateful that she had her work to lose herself in and escape the memory of that night , but in all her quiet moments she could think of nothing else . Sometimes it was just the image of Darien slashing at her greenhouses with such intensity that it was frightening , even though she now understood and appreciated his actions . Sometimes it was their earlier meeting when he had kissed her . She found her thoughts on the kiss confusing , muddled with outrage and longing . But his insulting confession of how he had let his feelings for her overcome his reason - that still hurt and angered her as much as ever . At least she didn 't have to worry about his loving her any longer - no love could have withstood the blast she had given him . February came to an end with a week of grey drizzle that made her wish for the freezing temperatures and blue skies of her old home but the weather changed in March to blustery days of sun and cloud that at times were almost as warm as summer . Elana was able to move her hardier seedlings out into the cold frames and begin planting up her hanging baskets . When not working she spent as much time as possible with Cody , taking him to all his practices and games . The season was winding down and they were in playoffs and on a very solid winning streak . She had seen Darien across the field at a couple of the games but he hadn 't come over to her side . His presence affected her differently now than it had before . Now she appreciated that he was there to support Cody , and she was glad that the increased distance between herself and Darien hadn 't affected that friendship . The morning before his semi - final Cody was checking his cleats in the kitchen , his excitement barely contained . " We 're facing the first place team ! " he said as he replaced a worn - down cleat . " If we beat them we 're in the final . " As they were driving , Elana let Cody 's excited jabbering slide over her as her mind went back to that other game . Darien Stewart had been there - he 'd bought her a hot chocolate , and now she realised he 'd bought it for her because she was cold and hadn 't just given it to her absently because Justie wasn 't around . She always had looked for the worst interpretation to his actions just because he 'd annoyed her the first day they 'd seen each other . What had he said then that was so terrible , really ? He hadn 't known who she was . He wasn 't even speaking to her . She could now understand how he must have felt to have such an unkempt property beside his own for so many years . Sam had told her stories about how it had been a hangout for punks and losers , and how the tenants had always trashed it . She knew what a pigsty it was when she had moved in . Had Darien said anything terrible about it since then ? His anger about the fire had been justified - and she had reacted badly again . Since then he 'd made no complaints at all - he 'd been quiet and kept to himself . Until that cold , cold night when he 'd said all those awful things to her after he had kissed her . After he 'd kissed her . She wondered what had brought that on . How had he supposedly fallen in love with her when they 'd barely been in each other 's company ? She recalled the game again , how he 'd stayed by her side , how he 'd grabbed her hand comfortingly before Cody had taken his shot . And then there was that dinner at The Old House before the play . He 'd been looking at her across the table all through the meal even though he was with his girlfriend , and then they 'd driven to the play alone together , although they hadn 't even spoken to each other . Maybe if she hadn 't been so caught up in her dislike of him she 'd have noticed that those occasions had meant more to him than they had to her . But still , there was Lina . No matter how she looked at it , it didn 't add up . When she drove into the parking lot Elana was still as confused as ever and she told herself off for being so Cody had a large fan base on the sidelines by game time . Joy and Carl , Sam , and Chandra were all high fiving him as the team ran onto the field . He looked off in the distance and waved as he took his spot in left mid . Elana turned to see whom he was waving at . Justie and Darien were walking up from the parking lot . " You guys almost missed the starting whistle , " called Carl . " It 's Darien 's fault , " said Justie . " Yeah , " Darien said . " I insisted on going back to get Justie a warmer jacket . And don 't say you 're not glad I did , Justie . " " I 'm all cosy and warm , " she said , snuggling her furry collar around her neck . Justie gave Elana a friendly greeting and settled in beside her and began chatting . Darien nodded in her direction , his smile barely perceptible , and stood beside Carl . Elana smiled tentatively at him and then turned her attention to Justie . " I 'm glad I could finally make another game , " said Justie . " I usually give a private lesson on Saturday mornings but it was cancelled . Cody was really eager for us to come . " " And his games are so much fun ! " Justie said . " I remember the last one I went to - he scored the winning goal in a shoot out . " The play started and all the conversation reverted to the action at hand . The teams were well matched and the competition fierce . And though Elana was fully intent on the game , in the back of her mind she was always aware of where Darien was standing . His voice stood out amid all the other cheering . During the game he gravitated closer to her until only Justie was between them . She told herself that it was because of his sister and nothing to do with her but once or twice she had caught him looking at her . At half time Cody came running off the field and was surrounded by everyone as they patted his back and congratulated him on his solid performance . Elana stood back and watched in pleasure after giving the first hug . The wind tossed her hair in and out of her eyes and she wished she 'd brought an elastic . She held her hair back with one hand and blew on the other to try to warm it , regretting the fact that her sweater had no pockets . She saw Darien say something in Justie 's ear and then he walked away towards the concession stand . Justie left the group and came up by Elana 's side . She dug about in her jacket pocket and pulled out a scrunchie . " Thanks , " said Elana , taking it and tying her hair back . " My hands are freezing from holding it out of my eyes . " She stuffed her hands under her arms . " That 's better . " " But it 's not letting us forget today ! " The whistle blew again and the kids ran onto the pitch for the second half . Elana turned towards the field and just about bumped into an arm holding a hot chocolate out towards her . " This should warm up your hands , " Darien said , and he handed a cup to his sister as well . " Th - thanks , " said Elana , circling her fingers around the hot cup . " Good game , " he said . " They 'll score soon - it 's only a matter of time . " And then he wandered away to where Carl and Joy were standing . " You think I 'd dare miss any of the game to get a drink now ? Cody would have my hide . The kid 's got eyes on the back of his head . He 's watching all of us . " " Sure could 've fooled me , sugar , " said Chandra as she sauntered off to join Sam . Elana focused back on the game , hoping that her cheeks weren 't as flushed as they felt . Darien had been right in his prediction . Cody 's team finally broke down the other 's defences fifteen minutes into the half and scored . In the dying seconds Cody added a second goal that was icing on the cake . When the final whistle blew and the two teams had shaken hands the boys ran a victory lap and then Cody did cartwheels all the way off the field . " We 're going to the finals , " he cried with joy as he ran into Elana 's arms . " Pizza ! " yelled Colin . " Coach Jerry 's treat ! " Chandra gave him a push and he grabbed her in a hug , but she started tickling him . " Okay , I relent . My treat , everybody . " " If Colin 's paying , we 're coming , " said Carl , his arm around Joy 's waist . " I 'm not missing out on a chance like this . He usually sticks me with the bill . " Chandra looked over at the rest of them . Elana and Sam both nodded and Cody jumped up and down with glee . Darien looked hesitant but Justie spoke up . " I 'm with Carl , " she said . " I 'm not missing this for the world . " " I hate seeing you like this . I mean , I know you like her - don 't even try to tell me different . You 're the one who asked if I had a hair elastic for her . You 're the one who bought her a hot chocolate because you noticed she was cold . But you barely said two words to her . You 're so . . . aloof . " " You remember what I told you that morning . She doesn 't like me . The last thing I 'm going to do is force myself on her . I know how it feels to have someone hanging all over me who I 've got no interest in . I 'm not going to do that to her . " He flicked his turn signal on a little too aggressively , did a quick check in his mirror , and changed lanes . Justie grabbed hold of her door handle as the car jerked over . " This isn 't the same as you and Lina . Just show Elana how nice you are - she can 't help but like you . " " She thinks that way about me because of things I 've said and the way I 've acted . And she 's right , " he said with resignation . " What are you talking about ? " " Justie - I 'm not going to make a fool of myself going after someone who doesn 't like me . I 'm sure we 'll be able to become good neighbours and treat each other pleasantly , but she 's never going to feel the same way about me as I do about her . You can 't make someone like you , either it 's there or it 's not . In this case it 's not . " He looked away from the road and stared directly at her for a moment . His face was pale and drawn , his eyes strained . That night as she lay in her bed , it didn 't matter how cosily Elana snuggled under her blankets she couldn 't get to sleep . She didn 't understand Darien at all . He 'd bought her that hot chocolate and she was almost certain that he 'd asked Justie to give her the scrunchie for her hair , but aside from those kind gestures he had completely ignored her . And she wondered why that bothered her so much . Why looking at his harsh expression should make her feel bad because she had put it there . Why she wanted to see him smile , his eyes all lit up , when he looked at her , just like when he was talking to Cody . She tried to combat those feelings by remembering the words he 'd said after he 'd kissed her . But she kept remembering the kiss , before she could get to the words . She cleared her mind and tried again . . . I 've struggled against my feelings for a long time now . . . I thought I could control them . Why - why did he need to control them ? What was wrong with having feelings for her ? I couldn 't admit that I had fallen for someone like you . What was wrong with who she was ? Sure , she wasn 't rich , but she was intelligent and hard working , and a good mother , and not completely unattractive . With your background . He knew absolutely nothing about her background - she was sure of it . . . unless he 'd hired private investigators , or something . Divorced . Not such a great stigma , these days . With a child . She couldn 't understand this one at all . She knew he liked Cody - so why would it bother him that she had a child ? In that broken down house next door that I wanted gone . This one made the most sense of the lot - he was too proud to want a relationship with someone who lived on a scale so much lower than his . But I have . I can 't do anything about it . . . I love you . And unreasonably , she remembered the almost bemused expression on his face and softness of his voice when he had said all those words , and then the later conviction when he repeated , I love you . The dislike and anger she had been building up dissipated . Why did that phShe sat up , completely frustrated with the way her brain was behaving so treacherously , and turned on the light . She might as well accept that she was not going to fall asleep , and she desperately needed to change the tangent that her mind was on . She tiptoed to the living room , and in the light cast from her open door , searched the bookshelf for something to read . It was lying where she had placed it almost two months before . She 'd forgotten all about it , but now it was the only thing she was aware of . Greenday Shadow . s The dark green font burned into her eyes . She knew that if she closed them she would still see the words emblazoned on the insides of her lids . She picked up the book and carried it back to bed with her . At worst she would discover that she liked it - at best it would put her to sleep . Chapter Nineteen Elana reached out to turn her alarm clock off , wondering why her bedroom light was on and what was poking into her cheek so uncomfortably . It was an open book , upside down on her pillow . She remembered reading for most of the night - she had no recollection of falling asleep ; the transition from story to dreams had been seamless . She was still having trouble shaking those dreams - images of filtered light , spangled leaves , and tapestry clothing filled her head . She almost thought she should understand the birds singing outside her window until she realised that it was only in her dreams that she spoke their language . She picked up the book and straightened the creased pages while she looked around for something to use as a bookmark . She read a bit to see if she could find the spot where she had dropped off to sleep and was surprised when Cody came into the room , rubbing his eyes . " You forgot to wake me up . " " No , I just woke up myself , " said Elana , and then she looked at her clock . It was an hour since the alarm had gone off . " Oops ! I guess I got caught up in this book . " She put the book aside and they made breakfast together . All during the day Elana felt the restless pull of the book . After supper she could no longer resist the urge ; she picked up Greenday Shadows , cuddled amongst a pile of pillows , and lost herself once again . The book was amazing . At first she kept pausing , having trouble processing the fact that it was a creation of Darien Stewart 's mind ; and then she became so involved in the story nothing else mattered . She had stopped reading to give Cody a kiss and a cuddle when he was on his way to bed and though she knew she ought to wash up and clean her teeth as well , she kept reading until all the disparate strands of magic wove themselves together in an ending that left her filled with strange wonder . She was consumed with a need to read more of his books . The next day she searched in the library , found one on the shelves , and requested an additional two , and she began a journey of discovery . More than being wrapped up in story , evocative phrasing , and creative imagery , she was working her way through the maze of conflicting impressions that she had of Darien . When she saw him the next weekend at the playing field it was as if all the layers of his writing were screening out her preconceived ideas of him . He stood there , outwardly tall , attractive and confident , but at the same time she was aware of his inner complexity , sensitivity , and the elusive fragility that he kept so well hidden . She longed to touch his hand , look up into his face and say she was sorry . But she was held back by the aura of remoteness he was wrapped in , like a protective ward . When someone said something that made him smile , she wished she had been the one to cause it - that he was smiling for her . And she deeply felt the irony that now , after she had made her dislike of him all too clear , her feelings had done a complete one - eighty ; after she had given him cause to hate her , she now wanted him to care . Elana pulled her jacket tightly around herself , trying her best to put Darien out of her " I don 't care what you say or how you feel about it , Darien , " said Justie , " but I 'm inviting Elana and Cody for Easter dinner . " Darien looked up at her from his breakfast plate . Since Cody 's last soccer game he 'd only seen Elana from a distance , and the desire to be close enough to see her face , hear her voice , and smell the faint fragrance of bergamot that lingered about her was strong within him . " Don 't , " he said softly , beseeching . " I like her too , you know , and I want to get to know her better . Anyway , Carl is bringing Joy and Colin 's bringing Chandra , and Cody 's coming to the student Easter egg hunt in the afternoon , so it would be impolite not to invite them for dinner . " " You 're right . " His heart began to pound at the idea of Elana being there , in his house , at his dinner table , her eyes shining in the candlelight , in a little less than a week 's time . " Admit that you want her to come , " Justie said as she sat down beside him . " What I want doesn 't even come into it , " he said as he pushed his plate away . When they arrived at the front steps there were signs with arrows directing them around to the back yard . It was the first time Elana had seen the house without a screening of trees blocking most of it from her view . It was large but in no way imposing . Most of the size was due to the wide porch that wrapped around it . She could see wicker furniture and a cedar porch swing . The upper story had a gabled roof and dormer windows . The creamy white walls and rich green trim blended well with the backdrop of hemlock , cedar , and pine , and the sloping garden was a rich collection of ornamental shrubs and spring flowers . The first person Elana saw as they rounded the far corner of the house was Darien , standing a little away from the children and other adults who were thronging around Justie . He was wearing a loose white shirt with the sleeves rolled up , and crisp , dark jeans . He was looking cool and relaxed and completely at ease , until he turned and saw her . The smile on his face stiffened and his eyes took on that strained look she was becoming accustomed to seeing . Elana 's courage almost failed her but she walked up to him and said , " Thanks for inviting us . " " I 'm glad you could come , " he said , but Elana was left with the feeling it was an obligatory response and there was no real pleasure in having her there . After saying hi to Darien , Cody ran off to join the other children . Darien looked to a point somewhere beyond Elana 's head and said , " I should go and get things started . " " Can I just have a minute , first ? " she asked , afraid that she 'd not get another opportunity to be alone with him . His expression turned wary . " Certainly . " He stood , waiting , looking about as approachable as the sheer face of a cliff . " I 've been wanting to apologise ever since I realised what you were doing that night . I 'm . . . I 'm sorry for all those things I said to you . . . I - I wasn 't thinking straight . " She was back in the moonlit woods hearing those stumbling words again . The confusion and awe in his voice were evident . They were disconnected thoughts , half formed , and open to interpretation . She had chosen to interpret them in the worst way possible . Elana felt her own thoughts slipping and realised she was losing track of her intended purpose . She was the one who was supposed to be apologizing . " It made me so angry , " she said slowly , " and then when I saw all the lights , and saw you with that knife raised and your long shadow , like some horror movie , I just exploded . And later I jumped on your back and began hitting you , and you must have thought I was as crazy as I thought you were . I know you 're not crazy . . . and I 'm completely indebted to you for what you did . " " Darien ! What are you doing ignoring all your guests ? I 've been looking for you everywhere . " Lina sauntered up and grabbed his arm , then she looked over to Elana and smiled at her with artificial sweetness . " Elaine , Justie wants you . " " I 'd better go , " said Elana , unable to meet Darien 's eyes anymore . " I shouldn 't have kept you from your guests . " She walked away quickly before he could see that she had started shaking . The last few weeks she had been filling her head with him , reading and rereading his books . She 'd even ordered his latest one from the bookstore because it wasn 't available at the library . But she 'd forgotten all about Lina . She knew she 'd hoped more would come from the apology than simply arriving at a truce . Just standing next to him had affected her so deeply that trying to make an effective apology had been extremely difficult . And now here she was , half way in love with someone who wasn 't available , even if he could forgive her . What he saw in Lina , Elana had no idea , but the fact remained that she was his girlfriend . And there was no way that Elana was about to attempt to develop a relationship with a man who was going out with someone else . " Whatever . I don 't really care about her , pretentious upstart . Why did Justie invite her to dinner anyway ? And get that dress she 's wearing - it 's got to be at least five years old . She looks so worn out in it . " " There was a time I did , " he said , and Lina smirked . " But for quite a while I 've thought her the most amazingly attractive woman I 've ever met . Now if you 'll excuse me , I 've got an Easter egg hunt to start . " All through dinner , Darien found it increasingly difficult to stop himself from looking at Elana . She was sitting on the far side of the table , exactly where he had told his sister to place her , but he wished she were beside him instead of Lina . The candlelight lit up her face just as he 'd anticipated . She was a little subdued , and he wondered if his apology had disturbed her . It had been obvious that her own apology had been difficult for her to make . Was that because of her dislike of him , or some other factor ? It had been almost as if they had made a connection and he wondered what would have happened if Lina hadn 't interrupted them . He didn 't get a chance to speak to Elana privately during the rest of the evening , and if he had he knew he wouldn 't have been able to broach the subject again . They did take part in the same conversations , though , and he could see that she was now treating him with cool politeness - not unfriendly but certainly not welcoming either . Whatever closeness had almost started between them before Lina had come along was no longer in evidence . Maybe it had only been a manifestation of his wishful thinking , after all . When everyone had left , he and Justie puttered around the kitchen , filling the dishwasher and putting the pots to soak . " You 're imagining things , " Darien said as he surveyed the kitchen . " I think we can leave the rest of this till morning . Let 's get to bed - I don 't know about you , but I 'm beat . " In April Elana could see daily differences in growth in her greenhouses . By the middle of the month she was able to start selling her first crop of bedding plants and the majority of her hanging baskets were on target to be ready for Mothers ' day . Half of them were already pre - ordered . She enjoyed her work more than ever . The greenhouses were warm and welcoming and the happy little faces of the pansies that were opening everywhere took her mind away from its preoccupation with Darien Stewart . She hadn 't been able to stop reading his books , or stop thinking of him with increased intensity . Now that soccer season was over Cody was having riding lessons three times a week and Elana looked forward to picking him up just for the chance of seeing Darien , despite the fact that she knew it was foolish to think of him . She couldn 't help herself . He fascinated her . When they did see each other they would smile and say hi in a neighbourly way and she would comment on the weather while Darien asked her how her flowers were growing . It was silly that she looked forward to such commonplace exchanges , but it was all she could allow herself and all she could really expect . She had longer conversations with Justie who had a new boyfriend and was bursting with happiness . Cody had met him when he 'd dropped by during lessons once or twice and confirmed that he was a fun guy . " But I like Colin and Carl and Darien better , " he confided when he was alone with his mom . The next time Elana went to pick up Cody , there was a flashy yellow Mustang parked outside the stables . ' So I finally get to meet the boyfriend , ' Elana thought as she walked into the tack room . Colin was putting the currycombs away and Justie was handing harnesses to someone who was half in a closet . The door closed and the man turned to face her just as Justie grinned and said , " Elana , meet Greg . " He came forward with his hand stretched out , a phoney smile plastered on his face . " Hi there . Elana , is it ? Nice to meet you . " Elana could barely raise her arm . She pulled her hand out of his warm grasp as soon as possible . Words were impossible . She was glad that she was standing half in shadow , hoping that it hid the look of shock on her face from Justie . She hadn 't seen him in almost eight years . He 'd hardly changed at all - still as heart - stoppingly gorgeous as he had been only now Elana knew the man who hid so well behind those abundant charms . She looked from Greg to Cody and back again and wondered how she was going to escape from that little room with her son without giving everything away . But she knew it was going to be impossible to keep the truth from either of them . " So , " said Greg , as he watched Elana 's frightened eyes dart back and forth between himself and Cody , " is this your little boy ? He 's a great kid . Great kid . " And he stood there , seemingly relaxed and casual , but his smile was cocksure and challenging . There was no doubt he was enjoying the adrenaline rush every gambler must feel when he rides the fine line between walking off with all the spoils and having his bluff called . Chapter Twenty Walking home from Stewart Stables without telling Cody the real identity of Justie 's new boyfriend was one of the most difficult things Elana had ever done . She knew that no matter how much she didn 't want Cody to know , and no matter how much Greg didn 't want her to tell him , he had to be told . Only not yet . She needed time . Time to get the words right . Time to know how to do it without totally screwing the thing up . So they walked home in silence and for some reason Cody didn 't question her about her impressions of Justie 's boyfriend . There was something on Cody 's mind too , and it had nothing to do with Greg and everything to do with a yearling he had taken a fancy to . That evening she longed to talk to someone , but Joy was working the late shift at Superstore and Chandra was out with Colin . Instead Elana lay in bed as conflicting memories ran through her mind . Things she had not thought about in years came to her clearly and vividly . Greg as she had first met him . Charming . Considerate . Carefree . Even now , with all she knew of him , he could almost work his deceptions . But she had other memories that wiped those out . She could rationalise him leaving her , no matter how callous his action , but how did a father leave his son without a word or a backward look ? And how would Greg act towards him now that they were thrown face to face again ? It appeared that he wanted to hide the relationship from everybody , and as much as Elana knew she would prefer Cody never knowing Greg was his father , she was appalled at Greg for his heartlessness . And that was not the only issue . Somehow , alongCody gave her confused a look . " I love you too mom , but I gotta run . If I miss my bus you 'll have to drive me . " " Don 't mind me - you scoot on outta here , " she said and gave him a swat on the butt as she sent him down the stairs . There was no time for Elana to do much thinking as she worked . Her mobile was ringing constantly with orders , customers were dropping in to buy flats of assorted bedding plants , and she barely had time to do the watering and transplanting that needed to get done . At two - thirty it had slowed down a bit and she looked over to Sam who was loading flats on a cart . " Can you take care of things for the rest of the afternoon ? I 've got something important I have to do with Cody when he gets home from school . " " No problem , " said Sam with a grin . " Get out of here - you haven 't even taken your lunch break yet . " Elana thanked him and ran up to the house , kicking her boots off quickly as she scrubbed her hands in the laundry sink . She was just drying them when she felt a shadow cross the open door . She looked up to see Greg standing in the doorway , a confident grin on his face , and she knew that this was the moment she had been anticipating with misgiving all day . " Aren 't you going to invite me in ? " He walked towards her , his arms outstretched . She slipped out of his embrace and through the kitchen door . " Keep your distance . " " Is that any way to greet your long lost husband ? " he asked , following her in and sitting at the table as if it was something he did every single day . " You 're not my husband anymore . " Elana looked at him in amazement . " You deserted me ! " Greg 's face changed . He looked contrite and hurt and vulnerable . " I couldn 't face you after I 'd lost everything . I felt that I 'd let you down and I swore that I 'd get all the money back for us , for the three of us . That 's what I was doing . That 's why I left . But you lost your faith in me , and I don 't blame you - really I don 't . I know it looked bad - like I 'd betrayed you . But that 's not the way it was . All I cared about was trying to make everything right again . " " You do that so well , " said Elana . " Do you practice in front of a mirror , or does it just come naturally to you ? " " I was a total mess . I was depressed . I didn 't think I deserved you . I couldn 't come back before I 'd regained what I 'd lost . I was waiting for my new investments to come through . " " If that were really the case - if you 'd really lost all the money - you know I wouldn 't have cared a bit . You know I would have stood by you . But I know the truth . You used me . You cheated me out of everything I ever had , you left me with nothing , and what is the worst thing of all , you turned your back on Cody . You couldn 't even be bothered to try to be a father to him . " " It worked out for the best , didn 't it ? He looks like a pretty together kid - I 'd say you did a great job without me . I got the feeling you didn 't want me in his life . You guys disappeared - it was damned hard to find you . " Elana laughed . " So now you 're going to pretend you were looking for us all those years ? That 's rich ! You were just as surprised as I was when we met yesterday . " Greg shrugged , and with the shrug he seemed to throw off all dissimulation . " He looks so much like you - I don 't know why I didn 't recognise him at once . " " Because meeting your son at your new victim 's house was the last thing you expected . " " You 've turned into quite a little wildcat in the last few years , " said Greg , not bothering with the charm anymore . " Justie 's my girlfriend - you 'd do well to remember that . " " I wouldn 't do that if I were you , " said Greg . He got up and walked over to Elana , backing her into a corner against the kitchen counter . " I 'll strike a deal with you . You don 't tell Justie about me and Cody never needs to know who I am . " " He 's your son ! " " Yeah , right you 've changed . That 's why you came over here to try and con me . If you 'd really changed you 'd be all too happy to have everything out in the open . " " I don 't know if Justie 's ready for that yet - the truth still might be a little much for her . " " And Darien would eat you alive . " Darien , yeah . She 's a little too attached to that brother of hers . Give me time , though , give me time . " " I 'm not giving you anything , " said Elana , pushing him away and going over to the table . " I 'm going through with telling them and there 's nothing you can say or do to stop me . " " I was afraid you were going to be difficult , " said Greg . He leaned against the counter and gave her a smug look . " I guess I have to go with plan B . It 's a bigger gamble , but you know me - I 'm a gambling kinda guy . " Elana looked over at the clock nervously . It was a little after three . Cody would be home at any minute . " Just get out of here . " Greg looked up at the clock too and then sat down at the table again . " Not a chance . How about some tea ? " He smiled sweetly . " Just to let you know , I prepared for this outcome while you were busy in your greenhouses . I 've got an ace up my sleeve . " " Get out ! " " I guess I 'll just have to make the tea myself , " he said as he got up and sauntered over to the stove . " I filled the kettle earlier . I love the way no one locks their doors in the country . " " You creep ! " " Creep ? Elana , surely you can do better than that , after all I 've meant to you . " " I haven 't wasted my time even thinking of you for years . " Greg just laughed and busied himself with getting cups out of the cupboard . " You having some too , honey ? I think sitting and drinking tea together adds such a homey touch . " " I 'll just take that as a yes , " he said , setting a cup down in front of her . " I 'm making camomile . I find it so soothing , don 't you ? " They sat in silence as the kettle boiled . Greg poured the water into the teapot and then set it down between them , flashing her a smile brimming with confidence . " Just like old times , " he smirked and then he filled their cups and lifted his to her in a toast . Running feet were heard clattering up the front steps and then the door burst open . " Hey mom ! Are you home ? " Cody yelled . " We 're in here , " called Greg before Elana could say anything . Cody came into the kitchen . " Hi there , " he said as he looked at his mom questioningly . Suddenly Greg was holding Cody in his arms , tears streaming down his face , " Son ! " he cried , as he stroked Cody 's hair back from his forehead and looked into his eyes . " I don 't believe it ! I thought I 'd never see this day . I 'm your father , Cody . Your father ! " Elana sat in horrified shock . All her plans of how she would break it gently to Cody had been sabotaged in one quick motion . " Is it true , mom ? " asked Cody , as soon as he could speak . " Yes , " she sighed . " Greg is your father . Remember how I told you this morning that we 'd talk when you got home ? " Greg got back into action again . He released Cody from his hug and stood back to look at him , wiping the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand as he did so . " I 've been searching for so long , " he whispered . " I 'd almost given up . When I first met you , I thought there was something familiar about you , but I couldn 't quite place it , and then yesterday , when I saw your mom at the stables , I went into shock . I 'm sorry I didn 't say anything then , but discovering you were you was just so totally unexpected . " " You didn 't say anything either , mom . " " I know honey , but I was surprised too , and then I didn 't know how to tell you . I wanted to do it right . " She couldn 't help but glare accusingly at Greg . " I did too , " said Greg , " so I came over today and your mom and I talked it out . We decided it would be nice like this , over tea , more like a family . " Cody looked from one to the other . " Are you going to . . . get married again ? " " No Cody , " said Elana quickly . " Your mom doesn 't want me back , " said Greg with a bit of a mournful look . " Anyway , I 'm dating Justie now . But I want to be part of your life and make up for all those years I wasn 't there . All those birthdays I missed . Those soccer games I didn 't see . I 'll teach you to play baseball , I 'll . . . I 'll just be the best darned father you could ever want and hope that you will grow to love me almost as much as you love your mom . " " I . . . I 'd like to play baseball , " said Cody , not really sure how to react to all that Greg was saying . " I know this is pretty overwhelming , " said Greg understandingly . " I won 't stay much longer today , but we 'll do something together tomorrow after school , okay ? " " If it 's what you want , hon , " she said , blinking back the welling tears . Greg squatted down beside Cody and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket . " I 've got something in here I want to show you , son . " He rifled about until he pulled out a dog - eared picture . " This is all I had of you for all that time , " he said , and he held it out to him . Cody took it and stared . " We have this same picture in our album , " he said . He looked over at Greg . " You look different now . " " Time does that to people , " said Greg , shaking his head . " Show it to your mom . " Elana took the picture from Cody 's outstretched hand . It was a picture of Greg holding Cody on his first birthday , showing him how to blow out the candles . She stared at Greg . Where had he got it ? She hadn 't developed the film until a week after he had left , and she 'd never communicated with him since . Greg just smiled at her blandly , and then held his hand out for it . " If it wasn 't for this picture I think I would have gone out of my mind , " he said softly . " Look how creased it is - I used to sleep with it under my pillow . " Then he reached out and rumpled Cody 's hair . " Sorry for being so sentimental , Codester . " He tucked the photo back into his wallet and returned it to his pocket . " I think I 'd better be going and give you and your mom a chance to talk . See you tomorrow . " He raised his head up and caught Elana 's eyes . " Walk me to the door ? " She only nodded to him . " I 'll be back in a moment , " she said to Cody . " That was so unfair , " she said as soon as they were out of earshot . " You can 't play with a child 's emotions like that . " " All 's fair in this game , " Greg answered back . " Anyway I think I 'll like being a dad . " " It 's not a game . " " Relax , honey , everything 's cool , " he said as he stopped in the doorway . " You 're so worried about his emotional state that you won 't bad - mouth me to him , will you ? " He laughed at her expression . " I knew I 'd be safe . And just be warned - the story I tell Justie is going to be very different from the one you plan on telling - I doubt once I 'm through with her she 'll believe a word you say . I can be very persuasive , or have you forgotten ? " Before she could stop him he leaned over and kissed her lips , and then grinned his devastating grin at her as he waved goodbye , taking the steps two at a time and jogging leisurely up the driveway . Elana wiped her mouth and stared after him . He 'd really enjoyed himself and she was sure he was going to enjoy spinning his lies and crying his crocodile tears for Justie just as much , if not more . She walked slowly back to the kitchen , trying to figure out the best way to talk it over with Cody . When she got there she held her arms out to Cody and he snuggled in for the hug . " It 's okay , mom . I don 't mind . It 's weird finally meeting my dad , but kinda cool too . I mean , I never really thought about him much , but now he 's here , maybe it 'll be like doing things with Colin Fox or Darien Stewart , you know ? " Elana made a snack and they talked a little more , and then Cody broke down and told her what was really on his mind . He wanted a horse , and not just any horse , a young horse from Stewart Stables that Darien had let him help groom during its training . He talked of nothing else until supper and Elana decided that maybe everything would be all right after all . Kids were so resilient . Though she did wonder where she could possibly get the thousands of dollars that a yearling from Stewart Stables would cost . That night after Cody went to bed , Elana took out the photo album from the bottom shelf of her bookcase . Sure enough the picture was missing . Greg must have spent some time bending it back and forth to make it look like it had been carried around in his wallet for years . She glanced around the room to see if anything else had been moved . It was a violating feeling knowing that he had been in her house , going through her private things , when she was out working in the back . She shivered and made sure that her curtains were drawn tightly closed before she changed into her pyjamas . Continue reading Sofie 's story here |
If you are a ' Robin of Sherwood ' fan too . Than you are probably familiar with the term : Fanfic . Fiction that fans write about the show or their hero 's . Me , myself am not a big fan . Just because it is not official part of the series . Don 't get me wrong , there are some real good stories to find ! I just don 't read them to often to keep my own version in tact . : - ) In front two soldiers in the colours of Nottingham . Followed by a man on a black horse in full armor and with the most brightest blue cloak of the group . Behind him the rest of his men in pairs of two . And now he is send to fetch and escort the source of all his new problems from the edge of Sherwood back to the castle . The sheriff had received a letter from his oldest brother , Valentine de Rainault , earl of Castleton . He stated in this letter that he was ill and that it was bad and that he didn 't want his daughter to witness his struggle . " Please my dear brother , take care of my little girl . I don 't want her to see me like this . She mustn 't worry about me . I want her to be happy . . . " the letter said . " Yes , and who will care about my happiness ? ! " Guy thought . " Nothing stays a secret for long in Nottingham . The outlaws will soon know that my ' dear niece ' is coming to stay with me for maybe as long as a few months . " The sheriff said in a sarcastic tone . " Until my brother is either dead or feeling better . " Guy knew that the sheriff would like it more if his brother would die . Since the letter had arrived the sheriff several times had summed up the amount of money he would get from Valentine de Rainault 's inheritance as he was the heir . The estates , the castle and the all of the lands that belonged to Castleton . Ofcourse his brother wanted him to take care of his daughter also and had draw that up in the will as well and that he didn 't know yet what to do with her but that he would surely find a use for her . " But , with my luck " , the sheriff continued , " with my luck my brother will surely survive his ' little inconvenience ' therefor we most see to her safety . Her father will cut me out of his will immediatly if something were to happen to his ' precious ' child . And because i have more to do than to babysit that annoying girl all day and have to go to London for a few days in the coming weeks , unfortunally Gisburne , her safety and therefor the faith of my money will lay in your hands . So you better not screw up this time ! " Thinking of this made Guy even more angry . " Hurry up ! ! " He yelled at the front men . " The sooner this is all over , the better . , " he thought . It wasn 't long before they saw a caravan of people on horses and two wagons . " This will probably be her . " He looked around . At least Robin Hood hadn 't shown his face yet . They approached the group coming up to them . They seemed to be in a good mood . Guy heard laughter and singing coming from the wagons . He rolled his eyes . " Halt ! " He heard coming from the caravan . The first horse riders moved a side and a woman on a white horse rode towards him . He commanded his soldiers to stop also and moved in front . He took of his helmet and pulled back his chainmail . " Lady de Rainault ? " he asked . " Yes . " Came back the reply . " I have come from Nottingham to escort you back to the castle as the sheriff and your father agreed . I am Sir Guy of Gisburne . " Guy 's men joined the group . " You two men go first ! I want the four of you in the back and two on each side of the wagons . And keep your eyes open ! " The strange woman had to be around his age . He could see her hair , darker than his own , coming from under her white headdress . She wore a gown in light red and white , with golden accents . He was riding next to her . She kept looking at him and back at her horse . " So , how are you , Sir Guy ? " " Fine my Lady " , was his short response . He had certainly no interest in a conversation with this woman he already couldn 't stand from the moment the sheriff told him about her . The sheriff 's niece ! More de Rainault blood . " You may call me Joanna . " She said . " So do they . " She pointed a the bunch of servants behind them . " You look surprised . " They call me Joanna , sometimes Lady Joanna and only during formal visits or occasions they call me Lady de Rainault . We 're all like a family . " Then asked if she could call him Guy . He didn 't really know what to say . She was certainly straightforward . . . " You think that i am trouble . " She smiled . " You think that i must be just like my uncle and now i am coming to Nottingham to make your life harder . " " My Lady , i . . that is to say that . . y . . " " You don 't have to say anything . It is written all over your face . " She replied still smiling at him . Joanna knew she was right . She felt that it would be best not to force him to speak anymore if he didn 't really want to . So now and then she made comments about the beautiful forest or the nice warmth of the sun to let him know that she would still like to talk to him but in the meantime would give him his space . Guy watched as Joanna settled in and was still astonished by the way the gang of unwanted guests interacted with one another . Why did she allow that physician she brought with her , and her maid to speak to her like that ? Like they were her parents ? Every evening they would sing together and everyone seemed to be looking after each other . She often tried to get him involved in the games they played or conversations they had but he would find an excuse to decline and was always on his guard . He tried avoiding running in to her and speaking to her as much as he could , but she kept coming up to him . . . Joanna in guidance of Maria , her maid , went downstairs to meet up with the rest of her servants . In Castleton it was custom for the staff to dine with the de Rainault family . They would sit at a separate table , except for Maria and Peter who would sit next to Joanna as they were like parents to her . Valentine 's wife , Edina had died when Joanna was just a little girl . Valentine took it hard and knew that he wasn 't able to care for her properly while he was mourning his beloved wife and gave full authority to Maria for that time , who he trusted with his life , as she was one of the members of the staff who had been working for him the longest . Just like Peter , physician to the family for years and also an older man and the person Maria would consult for all of her problems . Even when Valentine returned to his daily business and the care for his only child they kept holding on to that situation and Maria would care for her when he was busy and as a real mother she would threat to tell her father if Joanna had done something that she wasn 't supposed to and together with her father she would work out a punishment for her . " We were attacked by Robin Hood 's men . We lost four men and 300 silver Marks worth of taxes ! " The sheriff was looking at Guy , " because this . . genius here is completely incapable of catching six wild cuttroats with at least fifteen of his man and practically handed him the over the money himself ! They are going to pay for this ! And now i 'm going to clean myself up . " " Uncle , what has happend is unfortunate but i don 't think it is fair to blame Guy for all of this . I 'm am sure that there were some mistak . . . . " " Unfortunate ? ? ! ! " the sheriff interrupted her . " Unfortunate ? ! The king needs his taxes . He 'll have my head if i don 't get this shipment to him , once again , because of that scum and the inability of certain employees . " Joanna can see that her uncle get 's ready for the next attack on Guy . Quickly she adds : " Yes , tomorrow is a brighter day and when we have all slept a night on this , i have no doubt th . . . " " So you found yourself a new friend to protect you , did you Gisburne . " The sheriff says leering . . . Meanwhile a furious Joanna wanted to stand up and confront her uncle in a different tone but Maria stops her knowing that she 'll make it worse . She is afraid that the sheriff will hurt her in his rage . Joanna looks at her maid and sees the scared look in her eyes . The best thing she can do right now is to withdraw herself . They stand up and leave . The sheriff stares at them until their out of sight . He plays around with his leftover food and then throws his knife on it and leaves also . Suddenly he stops and turns to her . " Why did you have to get involved ? " He says angry . " I just wanted to help you . It is just not fair how tha . . " " I don 't need you to safe me . " " I know that , i . . . " " Just go back to your castle with . . with . . rainbows and . . bunnies . " He was so fed up with her and her tales about that supposedly happy place where everbody is overflowing with joy all the time . " I can handle the sheriff myself ! " " Rainbows and bunnies ? " " What do you know ? ! You have never had a hard day in your whole life . So don 't pretend to feel bad and trying to ' help ' me . You 're just making it worse ! " " Is that what you think ? Let me tell you . . " " I don 't need your excuses just leave me alone ! " " Please let 's talk about this , you 'll feel better . " " I will feel better if you just get away from me ! " . . " You 've been like this to me ever since i got here . It is not just what happend tonight . What did i ever do to you except love you ! " As soon as she has spoken out the sentence she realises what she has said and looks startled at him . He looks shocked . To her , that says it all and she runs off . " I have a Hundred Court to attend to this morning , so you 'll have to amuse yourself today . Maybe Gisburne can take you out for a ride ? There is a nearby lake you might like . " " I 'm sure you will be needing Sir Guy by your side today . " " I don 't , i have seen enough of his cunning yesterday . The captain of the guards will be joining us . I assume that the outlaws will have the day off since they will be tired of the succesful action they performed yesterday . " Giving Guy a look . " You will take My Lady de Rainault to the lake today . And stay away from Sherwood . " Her horse has followed her and starts drinking from the lake water . When the mare lifts her head she brushes her wet nose against Joanna . " Darla ! " She begins to laugh a pushes the cold , wet and dripping mouth of her horse aside . " " Will you go away ! Go play with Fury ! " The horse is not really impressed , walks away and finds some nice grass to graze . Guy doesn 't feel like it at all . He feels uncomfortable . " Why do you have to talk about everything all the time . Can 't we just leave it alone ? " He says without looking at her . " I need to know how you feel . " " Feelings are for woman . " " So men don 't have feelings at all ? I can 't believe that . " " If i told you something , a secret , could you keep it to yourself ? Please don 't tell my uncle . He hates me enough as it is and i don 't want to get my father in trouble . " Since you work closest to my uncle he also told me some things about you . Where you came from , where you have worked previously , you know , that sort of thing . He knows your mother , you see . I know that you have had a terrible childhood . " " You still don 't trust me . You have had a hard life . You haven 't had much love and support growing up and then you became a soldier so you 're probably more used to having enemies that friends and now your working for my uncle . . Let 's say he is not the really trustworthy , is he ? Listen , if you ever want to leave him you 're always welcome in Castleton . I 'm not just saying this because , well you know , i fell in love with you . If you 'd feel that i 'd be in your way , you could just tell me and i swear i 'll will . . . " " Yes , i do . I . . Yesterday . . You are so convinced that nothing bad ever happened to me . Well , you are wrong . . . Guy , I . . i am . . . " " My parents were drunks . My father would get into fights almost daily in the village . It got so bad that they had banished us to the edge of the village . My mother loved to tell me how much she hated me and how much i was not wanted . They used to hit me , burn me , they made me do chores that were not suitable for a small child . They didn 't care . Blisters on my hands were taking care of by hitting it or squeezing my hand just to cause more pain . Or they would wake me up in the middle of the night to throw me out in the mudd , the rain and the cold to go sleep with the pigs . That 's probably why i hate the cold so much now . " Joanna says with a faint smile . " In the beginning , people would try to help . They would slip me food or gave me a blanket . But when my parents found out , they threatened to hurt them or set their houses on fire and one time i saw that my father actually did that , not caring if there were people inside . And so they stopped helping me . I ended up always being afraid . Then , one day , i was barely five years old , Valentine de Rainault passed the village . He had a problem with the bridle of his horse and the villagers helped to fix it . He saw me . I was in bad shape , barely dressed and he asked the people about me . Then he confronted my father . Said that if they didn 't start to take proper care of me that he would take me away from them . My father made some comment about him paying for me than and Valentine drew his sword and replied by telling him that he certainly would ' pay ' him if he did not choose to cooperate . And then my father said that he could have me and they went inside . That was the last time i saw them . . . Back then , Edina was still alive but already ill . She seemed to be friendly but i didn 't want anyone near me . It took me months to open up to her a little . And then , she died . After that , my father was a wreck . He gave Maria the task of taking care of me . I owe so much to her . And to Peter . She couldn 't even come close enough to help me get dressed . I just wanted to be alone . I would have nightmares night after night . Than i saw their faces again . I 'd wake up , crying and screaming and Maria would rush in and comfort me . I tried to get her of me . Kicking and hitting but she 'd hold me tight until i calmed down . She just patiently kept holding on . " " And you expect me to believe that the sheriff never noticed that he suddenly had a new niece . " " My uncle never cared much for my father and his life . Just for my father 's money . He is so unlike my father . Maybe he has suspected something but he never said anything . Maybe he thinks that he got the message of my birth but that he just couldn 't remember because of his lack of interest . Who 's to say ? " " It still is not the same . ' ' He says without looking at her . " I know . I was lucky . Very lucky . I will never forgot that you suffered more than i did . And i think you still suffer to this day . Because of how some people treat you and because of the scars they left on you heart . " Guy was getting up . He didn 't want to listen to this . He didn 't want to be reminded and he most certainly didn 't want to hear this babbel from someone who thought she knew him when they just met a few weeks ago . As he was getting up he said : " We should get back to Nottingham . " Joanna also stood up and said : " I didn 't mean to make you uncomfortable with this . " " I am fine . It 's getting late and . . " Guy stept forward and drew his sword . " Robin Hood ? ! " He shouted back . " What is going on ? " Joanna asked . " Get behind me ! " " What . . i . . " " Do as i say ! Now ! " . . Out of the woods she saw a few bows first before the owners steps out from behind of them . A blond man came forward . Next to him a woman , a man completely in black , a rather tall and bearded man with a staff , a younger boy , a man holding a sword and a monk with bow and arrow . They came closer . . . " What do you want , Wolfshead ? ! ! " Guy yelled . " Why so hostile , we just want to get acquainted with your girlfriend . " The blond man smiled . Joanna looked up at him . Although it was the truth , it still hurt because she so badly wanted that she was his . She could see that Guy would want to attack if necessary while the odd group was approaching . For what Joanna heard of Robin Hood she didn 't think that they would kill her . As for Guy , she wasn 't sure . They hated each other . And Guy would take every opportunity to proof to her uncle that he was competent . . . In three steps she stood before him . " Get back ! " He ordered her but she didn 't listen . The best thing she could come up with saying to the stranger was : " Can i help you ? " " My Lady . " Looking at Guy : " She is more polite than you . " He turned his attention back to Joanna . " You 're Robin Hood i understand ? " Joanna asked . " Why the devil are you speaking to those Wolfsheads ? ? " Guy spoke in a sneering manner . . . They didn 't pay attention to him and pursued their conversation . She knew that the name ' de Rainault ' would probably not be very populair in this gang either and she just said : " I am Joanna . " " Joanna , what brings you to Nottingham ? " " Just a family visit . " " I must say , i 'm not very keen of the company your holding . " . . " Tuck , do you know her ? " " I think i do . I 'm just not sure from where . . . . Have we met before young Lady ? " " Well , i don 't know . . . she said with a questioning look in her eyes . Joanna " , Tuck repeated slowly . Then he must have made the connection to Guy of Gisburne and the sheriff . " Oh good heaven ! I remember now . Joanna de Rainault ! " " Who ? ? ! ! " the man holding the sword yelled in disbelief . " Joanna de Rainault . I have met her before . She is the sheriff 's niece , Will . " The outlaws looked pretty shocked . " How have you been ? I guess you 're not working for my uncle anymore . I can understand why . " She laughed . " I 'm well , thank you . I must say that you have become an whole lady . It must have been , what ? Twelve years ? " he asked . He had barely spoken out this sentence or Guy wanted to run towards the outlaws with his sword helt high and ready to attack . " No ! Guy ! ! " Joanna grabbed his arm before he had barely taken two steps . " Do you want an arrow in your chest ? ! " " I 'm trying to clean up this mess you made ! " " They are going to kill you . " " I will come with you , but let Guy return to Nottingham . " She spoke . " Have you gone mad ? " Guy asked her . . . " He is not as willing to be here as you are . " " But i can watch him . He will not leave . . . Please not so tied , your hurting him ! She tugged John 's hand but he was unperturbed by her efforts . " How is he suppose to sleep like this ? " Joanna tried again . " We 'll see to that in good time . " John said while he smiled lip - deep at Guy . . . John walked off to go sit with the others around the fire . Tuck was preparing a meal . Joanna looked at the annoyed face that she had grown so accustomed to . She stroked his cheek . He quickly moved his head away . " Are you angry with me ? Don 't be angry . " She asked . " This is all your fault but we both know who is going to get blamed for this , don 't we ! " " I 'll tell my uncle that is was me who got us into this situation . I will tell him how you kept me safe and . . " " They will not kill us , Guy . I 'll make sure of that . " " Don 't be stupid ! How do you think you are going to stop that , girl ? " " I would give my life for you ! Do you still not no that ? What does it matter that i am a woman . I will fight ' till the end to protect you ! " She walked to friar Tuck and accepted a bowl of meat with a friendly ' Thank you ' . Than she went back to Guy . " Guy , are you hungry ? " He turned his head away . " Please , eat something , you need your strenght . " He was determined to keep on ignoring her . " Allright . Maybe later . I will safe something for you . " She said to a stoic Guy . The silence was broken by Much who asked : " Tuck told us that you are not like the sheriff . What are you doing with Gisburne , than ? I saw the way you were looking at him . " " Much . " Marion said . . " Why ? " Much wanted to know . " Why ? " She reacted as if she could not believe that it wasn 't as obvious to them as is was to her . " He 's handsome , brave , strong , tough . . " Will interupted : " Hold on , hold on , are we speaking about the same Gisburne here ? " " You only see one side of him . I saw his heart and my heart wanted his . " " That animal has no heart ! He is nothing but a filthy swine ! " . . " No , he is not ! I understand that you hate him . The sheriff makes him do terrible things but that is not who he is ! And i would appriciate it if you 'd apologize for those remarks . " " Apologize ? Never in a million years . He is a dirty basterd ! " That the first thing she thought when she saw his face was : An angel . . . How she couldn 't even make out what he was saying because all she heard was the beautiful sound of his voice . But how she managed to get herself together and just caught his name . How she hoped that he hadn 't notice and that she wouldn 't make a complete fool out of herself . A few serfs had to duck so they didn 't get hit by some flying dinner plates when the sheriff had read the note . He was screaming so loud that the captain of the guards came to check if maybe the sheriff was being attacked by someone or something . When he saw that this was not the case , he left in a hurry . . " Those villains ! Who does he think that he is , that he can get away with this ? ! ! ! ! ! " Speaking about Robin Hood . " And where the hell was Gisburne ? How could this have happened ? I told him to pay attention ! Completely useless ! ! I will make him pay for this ! ! " When Maria and the rest of Joanna 's people heard what had occured they were devastated . Maria started to cry and had to be calmed down . Peter and the men were quiet . And thinking about how they could help . It would be a night where none of them would sleep a lot . Joanna was handed a few blankets and something to rest her head on . " What about Guy ? " she asked . " You can 't leave him tied up to the tree all night . " " Why not ? " Will answered her . . She gave him a mean look and than looked at Robin . . " Come on , you know that i will make sure he stays . " " So are we . You didn 't think that we would leave you unguarded , did you ? We 'll set up a watch . And takes shifts every couple of hours . He untied Guy and told him to go lay down on his back on the ground . Joanna had spread one blanket on the earth . He laid down . Robin tied his feet together with one end of a rope and tied the end of it to the tree he was standing against till now . His hands were free . Robin knew that he could free himself easily but it would take him just enough time for the watch to notice . . Joanna laid next to him and was now the barrier between him and the outlaws . She gave him some fabric to rest his head on . She laid the blanket over them and wanted to put in Guy , make sure he had enough blanket so he would get cold but he pushed her away . . " Your going to get cold . " She said . " I don 't care . I don 't share with traitors . Get away from me ! " " What do you mean ? " " If you love me the way you say you do , you will release me and help me get away from this miserable scum . " " You know i can not do that . " " Than go lay with your new friends . " " Can 't you see that i am helping you by not letting you go ? . . Because i care about you ! . . . Because i don 't want you dead ! They will see you . And if they catch you , God knows what they will do to you . Hurt you , kill you . Is that what you want ? Come on , don 't be like that . Please . " She touched his shoulder . . " Get your hands of me ! " " Why do you have to fight me every step of the way ? " Guy ignored her again . " Have it your way , Guy . Wake me up when you get cold . " She turned on her side , away from her love . She felt hurt . It seemed like nothing she did could soften his mood or change his opinion on her . . Guy was staring at the leaves and the stars in the sky . Sometimes he found himself intrigued by her but he resisted every possitive thought about her . He wasn 't getting sucked in to this . It took Joanna a while to fall asleep . Guy remained awake . He didn 't trust anyone in the camp . Or maybe he did ? But he silenced his heart and let his negative thoughts prevail . A few hours later Will stood up to take over the watch from John . John briefed him that nothing had happened and that their prisoner was still in their power . They looked at the couple . " Unbelievable that a woman like her could ever love a scroundrel like that . " John whispered . " Yes , well , she will find out sooner or later . " Joanna had turned around in her sleep and was now facing Guy . He looked at her . The moon softly lighted her face . She looked so innocent and beautiful . He was startled by his own thoughts . He quickly looked up at the trees again . He started to get cold and pulled a little bit of the blanket towards him . It didn 't do much . She was wrapped in it and it just covered half of his body . Eventually he fell asleep . . He slowly drew his sword and placed it on Guy 's throat . " But you have already screwed it up anyway , haven 't you , Gisburne ? You have made her angry at you already and soon she will hate you like everybody else does and she will be standing there with a big smile on her face when i get to kill you . " " What are you doing ! " She asked shocked while she pushed the sword away . " Are you allright ? " She asked Guy but didn 't wait for answer to tell Will : " If he has so much as a scratch , no , a simple imprint of your sword i will rip your head off , you idiot . Don 't forget what kind of blood i have in me ! " " Your in luck . Now go away you idiot . You are nothing but Robin Hoods puppet . So don 't pretend like your the greatest . " She was furious . Will moved away from them and Joanna said to Guy : " Come here . " She wanted to put his arm underneath his head and hold him . He wanted to sputter but she just said : " Not now , Guy . Come . " For some reason he did not try to object anymore , turned on his side and let her hold him . She held him tight and stroked his hair . He could feel she was shaking . . She pulled the blanket and moved it , so it covered her and Guy completely . She took a couple of deep breaths to calm down and then reallised she was holding the man she loved . She enjoyed the moment . . " Try to get some sleep . I already slept for a while . I 'll see to that none of them will hurt you . " " I 'm not afraid of them . " He said while he released himself out of her arms . " You must get some sleep . " " You go to sleep and stop annoying me . " He said surly . She moved a lock of hair out of Guy 's face who was laying on his side and put her head down again . He waited a moment before he opened his eyes but she was still awake . He quickly closed them but she ofcourse had seen that . She smiled . " I know you 're not sleeping . " He opened his eyes and saw the smile on her face . She moved closer to him and put her arm around him again . Her face was close to his . She kissed his cheek and closed her eyes like she was going back to sleep again . But could not stop herself from opening them again and saw that he was still staring at her . With the back of her hand she touched and stroked his face . . Her heart was racing . His arms were wrapped around her and she tried to lie as close to him as possible . His kiss started out a little wild . As if he wanted to make it clear that it was him that was in control but the soft and tender way she answered his kiss made him more gentle . As sudden as it all started , Guy stopped . They looked at each other shortly before Guy said : " We should go back to sleep . " as he turned around and left Joanna in confusion . Her body was glowing . She felt like she couldn 't move . She looked at his back . She was blushing and smiled . The way he had kissed her . . Did he have feelings for her too ? Or was it just wishful thinking because she wanted it to be so ? . She closed her eyes and tried to do as he said . She had to take it slow with him . Joanna had no doubt that if she wanted to much right now , he would reject her instantly . Guy was asking himself why he had done that . How could he have allowed himself to lose control ? It seemed best to just try to forget and move on but that would be a hard task as long as she was around . . . Both of them couldn 't get back to sleep after that . . . The camp came back to life . They threw a few branches on the fire and prepared their breakfast . Then send Nasir and Much to go and keep an eye on the area around the lake . . They gave her a piece of fruit and some bread . Robin said : " I guess we will find out how much your uncle cares about you today , won 't we . " " Ha , " she said sarcastically , " We will see how much he loves my father inheritance . " She laughed . Robin gave her a smile before he walked to Marion . Robin pulled his knife and cut him loose . Joanna wanted to help him up but ofcourse he didn 't want to know of it and quickly stood up . But his muscles had become quite sore and he had to grab the tree to maintain his balance . " I 'll tell him that you did everything in your power to keep me safe . That they threatened me but that you protected me . " " He won 't care . " was his short reply . " Is there a special knight language ? So that you just don 't understand me ? Than let me put is like this : Maybe it always has been you fighting the world . But you don 't have to do that alone anymore . I am on your team , Guy . I am loyal , only to you . Can you still not see that ? " They approached the castle gates . . Peter and a few others from the Castleton servants came running out . He hurried to get to Joanna and on his way he yelled back at Maria that Joanna was in sight and unhurt . Maria lifted up her skirts and ran as fast as she could . Joanna laught and was happy to see everyone again . She could just give Peter a quick : ' yes i am ' , when Maria already had her arms around ' her ' child and held her so tight that Joanna thought she was going to choke . Maria was so glad that she started to cry . It didn 't take long for the notified sheriff to storm out of the door . " And how exactly did you managed to let yourself be held hostage by those clowns , Gisburne ? Hmm ? " Joanna and her happy staff were stepping into the court yard and the sheriff put on his best fake smile , welcomed her back and proposed to first sit down and have something to drink to recover from this nasty adventure . He let her go up front and followed after the group . As he past Guy he said : " I will deal with you later . " Joanna woke up in the late afternoon . She got herself dressed and went to see Guy but she could not find him . She assumed that he was in his chamber to get some rest and didn 't want to disturb him . Even her uncle could not be found . He was in his working space dictating a letter to his brother about what had just taken place , that his beloved daughter was fine but that he wanted her to return to Castleton as he could no longer guarantee her safety in Nottingham . Eventhough he was still angry about losing the ransom money , he here by found an excelent excuse to get rid of her now . The sheriff hoped for happy news . And it was . Not as happy as he wanted for his brother was still very much alive but he missed his daughter and wanted her to come home as he felt much better . After they left the table and she could escape Maria for a moment she went to the stables . Guy had to be there . It was one of his favourite places as he really loved his horse . It felt like a stone laid on her heart . He had kissed her passionately last night and now everything was like before . Him just ignoring her , rejecting her . She had to talk to Guy once more . She could not leave it like this . Otherwise he would escort her trough Sherwood forest like he did when she came here and than she would never see him again . Valentine de Rainault was completely recovered and therefor arranged a celebration where ofcourse his brother was invited . Valentine also hoped to cheer up his daughter who just hadn 't been quit the same since she 'd returned from Nottingham . He figured it had to do with the hostage situation she had been trough although she assured him that she was fine . The day of celebration had come and the sheriff and Guy were on there way to Castleton . Robert de Rainault didn 't feel like playing nice for to long so he had told his brother that he was busy and did not no what time he would arrive so that he could reduce his presents on this ' wonderful event . ' He admired his other brother , Abott Hugo de Rainault . Although he was invited too , he had the perfect excuse not to come while being on a pilgrimage . In Castleton the celebration had started . There was music and food and many guests had already arrived . Joanna knew that her father invited some friends of her but wasn 't much interested in this feast and had not interfered in the preparations or asked who would attend . It had crossed her mind briefly that her father probably had invited her uncle but she was pretty sure that he would not make this long journey if there was nothing for him to gain from it . She tried to look happy but who ever would take the time to look in her eyes for more than a second could tell that they were empty and that her heart was broken . She joined her father and mingled with her friends . Joanna did her best to speak in a nice and cheerful manor with the guests that were introduced by her father . It was so good to see that her father was happy and healthy and that he had a great time . Joanna 's mind wandered off again and she was staring at the floor . Her thoughts were rudely disrupted by her father tapping her on the shoulder . " Don 't you want to go greet your uncle ? " They grabbed each others arms for a friendly welcome and after Joanna had told her uncle that she was glad he could come , the sheriff was busy talking to her father and she adressed Guy formely . " I didn 't know you were coming , My Lord . Welcome to Castleton . " Joanna opened a door and took him to see the west wing . The tower , her fathers working space , the kitchen and the hallway that leads to the chambers of the servants . They followed the stairs coming out in the east wing . " Are you serious ? " She walked into the hallway that he pointed out . " That 's where my chamber is ! " It turned out that Guy slept only a few doors from where she spend her nights . It felt good and familiar and he put his arms loosely around her . After a while she let go . He was quick to remove his arms as if he was afraid that otherwise she would notice that he had held her too . He stepped forward and kissed her . She kissed him back for a moment but than she stopped and said : Don 't . . Not if you don 't mean it . If you leave . . " " When do you leave ? " She asked between kisses . " Tomorrow morning . " Was the reply . She didn 't want to let him go back to Nottingham and held on as tight as she could . He didn 't stop kissing her when he pushed her towards the bed . He put her on the bed and laid with her . Without speaking he kissed her again . Then Guy stopped and said : " We should go back . " " You 're right . They could be missing us . " She touched his face . And kissed his nose and his mouth . She smiled as he helped her up . When he wanted to walk out she stopped him . She stood on her toes to kiss him one last time before they went back to the hall . She stood up straith and tried to listen for some time but couldn 't focus . She tried to discreetly look at Guy and saw him looking her way too once and a while . His expression seemed softer than normally although he didn 't answer her smiles . " And make sure you 're on time tomorrow . This is not a vacation ! Goodnight Gisburne ! " He said when he was done lecturing his steward and he walked into his chamber and closed the door . He walked to his space and closed the door . He didn 't know what to do . Would he go to Joanna ? Maybe it was best not to . He paced back and forth a few times before he walked out of the door and went to Joanna 's chamber . He just wanted to feel loved again . Guy opened the door and went in . He saw Joanna lying on the bed with her feet outside of it . He carefully closed the door and that woke her up . He locked the door , got undressed and Joanna didn 't know if she was supposed to watch or look the other way . When he had removed all of his clothes except for his underwear he climbed into bed with her . He let her hold him as she was kissing him and stroking his hair . She kept rubbing her nose against his neck and jawline in this loving way . " Let me tell you something about my uncle . You shouldn 't listen to him . I think that he treats you so bad because he is jealous of you . You 're better than he is and he knows it . He sees in you what he can never be . Smart , gorgious , strong , tough . . and sweet . She smiled . " I missed you so much . I love you . " He smiled for a second but she didn 't see . Joanna had closed her eyes and pulled him closer . She didn 't want to let him go ever again . It felt so good to caress him and kiss him . " Please stay here , in Castleton , with me . " Maybe he thought she was nagging by asking him this over and over again and she decided just to stop talking and just to make him feel how much she loved him . Guy felt tense but she could feel that how longer they kissed , the more he started to relax now . He felt good . Wished this night could last forever . When she had left Nottingham he was determined to forget her . He was a man with status . He could get every girl in Nottingham Shire that he wanted . . He had kissed other girls but there was no one who kissed him and touched him in this loving and pasionate way she did . He got used to looking her in the eyes and feeling her close to him . He had felt terrible the last couple of weeks . And now , for one night all of his sorrows seemed just gone . He turned on his back . She put her head back onto his arm and wrapped her leg around his . Her hand she placed on his chest . She could feel the rhythm of his heart and smiled . He put his cheek against her head . " I love you so . " She whispered . " Guy , when we kiss , i feel . . Do you have feelings for me ? I have to know . " He looked down at Joanna who was still fast asleep . He had to get up , as much as he hated it . The sheriff would be getting up soon . He carefully moved her arm and freed himself from her embrace . Slowly and trying not to make a sound he got dressed . He looked up when he almost dropped his sword but Joanna didn 't wake up . The door would be his biggest challenge . It woke her up last night . But everything went well and he walked down the hall . Guy had made his decision . He was thinking about the night he had . Everything that had happened between them and the life he had back in Nottingham . Just as he passed the sheriff 's chamber to go downstairs , the door opened . " Ah , Gisburne . I see you managed your first task of the day very well . What a prommissing start of the day . See to that my luggage is carried down and loaded on to the wagons . We will leave after breakfast . " Robert de Rainault wanted to walk away but Guy stopped him by saying : " I have to inform you that i will not accompany you back to Nottingham . " " Gisburne , don 't be absurd ! The wine has gone to your head . I am going to freshen up and i expect to see you downstairs , now go ! " The sheriff went away and Guy made his way downstairs . Ofcourse the sheriff wouldn 't take him seriously . On the stairs he saw his servants who looked like they had a bad hangover but they stood straight up once they saw an angry Guy of Gisburne coming their way . He would travel to Joanna and decide there what he wanted to do once he had arrived . So he packed all he owned into his chest . His clothes , his juwelery and his money and the few other things he possessed . He locked the trunk , kept the key close to him and had it loaded on to the wagon . Guy entered the hall . As crowded as it was last night , as empty it was now . There were just a handful of servants setting the breakfast tables for the hungry guests . Joanna had woken up . She expected to find Guy next to her but he had gone . She wanted to cry but there was no time . She had to say her goodbyes before he left for Nottingham . As fast as she could she got dressed . In her hurry she almost forgot to take off her nightgown first . There was a knock on the door . She hoped it was Guy who had come back to her . She opened the door and was dissapointed first that is wasn 't him and then surprised when she saw the sweaty servants of the sheriff carrying this heavy chest . Joanna let them in . She saw the chest was painted with golden letters and it said : ' Sir Guy of Gisburne ' . She didn 't have time to examine it closer , afraid that Guy would have left before she could reach him . Guy looked at the floor . He didn 't know what to say . " Look , i know how my brother treats his people . I can talk to him for you but i can 't prommiss you anything . " Joanna looks up at Guy . " You have never said that before . " They smile at each other . " I ask for your daughter 's hand , My Lord , i mean to marry your Joanna . " " Can 't you see what is going on ? He is doing it to get his filthy hands on your money ! " The sheriff yells and stands up as well . " All this time it never crossed my mind . . To be with Guy is what matters to me . But love doesn 't exist in your life , does it , uncle ? All you care about is money and power . You are scared you 're going to loose your precious inheritance isn 't that the truth ? " " I don 't understand . What has that will to do with us ? He will inherit all estates , money and possesions . You don 't care about us , so why won 't you leave us alone . " Guy said in confusion . The sheriff looks at Guy . " Come to your senses ! You will never fit in here . Do you really think you 'll ever be happy ? " He tries . " Don 't you want to tell him , uncle ? . . . Guy , in this very moment , my uncle seems to feel treatent by you . Shall i tell you why ? Since my uncle apparantly lost his tongue . " Joanna is still watching Robert de Rainault and than looks at the man she loves . The questionmarks are written all over his face . " As you know it is custom to have a male heir . And since i am an only child , and a girl , my father named my uncle the heir . But there is an section that states an exception to this rule . " " You Guy , you will get everything . That is why the sheriff doesn 't want you to stay here . Because by holding on to your love , he loses his . " It took Guy a while before it sunk in . He could not believe it . It seemed to good to be true . Could it be that this was really the castle of rainbows and bunnies ? The paradise where finally he could become happy too ? " You will never have to work for men like Robert de Rainault again . Or for anyone for that matters . You will be more powerful than the sheriff and more wealthy . You will be the future earl of Castleton ! " Guy stood there as if he was nailed to the floor . Joanna smiled at him and hugged him . He put his arms around her . He had to recover from all of this . Good things like this didn 't usually happen to him . And now he had found the woman of his dreams and in future he didn 't have to answer to anyone again . Except maybe to the king . " This was all planned from the beginning . It must be ! " the sheriff had to say something although the hope of this working out in his favour was gone . Valentine de Rainault believed his daughter . He knew what his brother was like . And he saw Guy 's reaction to the story . This was not an act . " Brother . As much as i . . regret . . how this has turned out for you , i will grant Sir Guy of Gisburne the permission to marry my beloved daughter . So let us talk in peace so we can maybe come to an understanding . " The sheriff was furious . Preferably he wanted to kill Guy . But he couldn 't . Not here . His hands were tight . He knew that this clan would do everything in his power now to keep Guy of Gisburne safe . He followed Valentine to come to some kind of agreement . He 'd better take the opportunity to see if he at least could get something out of this mess . She sat him down on the bed . He still could hardly speak . She stood before him between his knees , put her arms around his neck and kissed him . He looked at her . " I promiss you i will be a good wife to you . I 'll always love and cherish , honour and obey you . . . Does that belong to you ? " She asked , pointing at the chest . " Yes . " He told her the whole story . How he saw his chance to get out of Nottingham for good . How he really did want to be with her . A few hours later the sheriff left without saying goodbye to the happy couple . He received an amount of money but in his eyes it ofcourse was not enough . He planned to never set foot in Castleton again . Joanna could not control the weather but she did arrange for a group of cute white bunnies to run around the garden during the ceremony . He smiled when he saw them . Ofcourse he immediatly understood what they stood for . . . Valentine de Rainault turned out to be a very caring employer . He was very patient and kind and after a while Guy wasn 't afraid of making misstakes anymore . He taught him how to rule the empire , to deal with any problems and to be a good host . They are clinging to his legs and he puts his hands on their heads . ' Later , later . Where is your mother ? ' He looks questioningly at his daughter babbling about ponies and princesses and her older brother stumbling over words , telling a story about his mother being in the forest to pick the best blackberry 's because they are so good . ' Hmm . Well , I beter get to work . Please behave , children . ' He adresses his offspring . But the two are so busy chasing a butterfly that they don 't really notice and Guy goes back inside . ' Aaah , you weren 't worried about me , were you ? ' Joanna answers smiling . She walkes up to her husband and gives him a kiss . She wraps her arms around him and leans her head on his chest . " You were sleeping and looked so sweet and peacefull . I didn 't want to wake you up . I couldn 't sleep anymore so I went to see Lisa . You know she 's been sick for a few days . I brought her something good to eat and some supplies . And I 'm back now . What were you doing ? ' ' I 'm fine . ' He quickly turns around , takes her arms , smiles and says : ' Now , there are some other important people who 'd like to see you . Cedric and Willow are in the gardens with Maria . ' The King 's lost a lot of support through the years . People are dissatisfied . More and more villages are helping Robin Hood and like minded and the nobleman are poorly organized and that 's costing the King money . Since Guy came to Castleton , he really couldn 't care less . He is happy , and so are the people in his shire . But the King wants the authorities to work more closely together to prevent the people from getting to much power and has set up a meeting at Charlston where all the most powerful and wealthy noblemen have to attent to make some firm agreements regarding the issue . And to keep high placed gentlemen happy , there 's a celebration at the end of the day . Guy is not looking forward to go and make the long journey . He doesn 't care about the cause of the event and he knows that an old enemy will make his appearance also . The Sheriff of Nottingham . It 's been six years since they last seen him . This reunion can only mean trouble . He 's sure that Robert de Rainault will try to pull him back into his misery . Guy doesn 't know how to react at any mean remarks . But what else can he do than to just confront him . The Sheriff can try what he wants . He won 't succeed . Guy is happy now . And powerful . And than there 's Rodrick of Charlston . Joanna 's longtime friend . Guy met him twice . He seemed like a nice man but Guy wasn 't fond of having him near his wife . Rodrick and Joanna have known each other for almost all their lives . At one point , he fell in love with her . But she couldn 't answer his feelings . . . All is hectic the day before the trip to Charlston . Most wives will stay at home but Joanna wants to come to visit her best friend and is looking forward spending time with him during the time that the noblemen need to congregate . Guy is not pleased with this but doesn 't say anything about it . He wants to trust his wife . He does . But not Rodrick of Charlston . ' Joanna , I really don 't . . ' He is rudely interupted by a servant who yells that some horses have escaped the stables . Guy is jumping up and runs out to help . An hour later she 's still not home . Guy puts his children to bed and has time now to get angry . Doesn 't she know it 's dangerous at night ? Even in this part of the country . Even if she brings men to come with her . Doesn 't she realize that tomorrow is a stressful day ? ! He 's sure he made it clear to her that he didn 't want her to go . Joanna is startled by his reacting and decides it 's better not to discuss the matter anymore . Apparently he 's more stressed out by the trip than she thought . His cheeks are blushed from anger and his eyes are big . ' I 'm so sorry . ' Joanna approaches Guy . ' I should have been here for you . ' She tries to touch his face but he turns away his head . He doesn 't move . Trying to get him to talk won 't work . ' Can I come lay in your arms ? ' She raises her head so he can put his arm underneath . ' Do you know how proud I am of you ? You 're such a strong man . Look of what you 've achieved . And you did it all by yourself . You 're a great father and a wonderful husband . A caring employer . The best man in the whole world . . . And the most handsome . ' She smiles and looks at the chest she is stroking . He opens his eyes . ' Everyone knows that . Just do what he does , give him one of those fake smiles he always presents and answer stupid questions with a hint of sarcasme . . . And I 'll be right there by your side . ' . . . At dawn the couple and four men are leaving for Charlston . Baring gifts for the king and the Earl of Charlston and his son . And some clothes to change into when they arrive and for the feast . It 's quiet . Guy bites his teeth and Joanna doesn 't talk to much so she won 't annoy him . She tries to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the beauty of the land and now and then points things out to Guy , trying to distract him from his thoughts . ' I 'm sure you will . ' sarcastically crossed Guy 's mind . He doesn 't have to much time to think about it . An announcer let 's the group know that the King has arrived . All the men bow down as the King enters the hall . He is seated on the platform at the head of the large table . The noblemen are taking their seats as well . Guy looks around . He hasn 't seen his former employer yet . Just when he thinks : ' I hope he 's ill and unable to come . ' The Sheriff of Nottingham walks up behind him and makes his way around the table . Joanna is walking up stairs . She had a wonderful day . She and Roderick had time to catch up and enjoy themselfs and now she has a moment to change her clothes for the evening . She 's been told that the meeting is almost over . The men are taking a break and will be given time to freshen up for supper and the celebration . The Earl hasn 't stopped talking but Guy 's attention has shifted . While his wife has a great time dancing , he doesn 't notice that Robert de Rainault is standing next to him . Ofcourse the Sheriff immediatly notices that Guy is not happy with the situation . Then he looks at the Earl and raises his goblet . ' Lovely gathering . ' He walks over to the Earl and starts a conversation knowing he at least irritated Guy a bit . He feels like grabbing his wife and just leave the celebration , no this whole damned place ! But he knows he can 't . Than the Sheriff has won . Than he will know how much it bothers him . Rodrick tries to distract himself from the situation by saying : ' She 's unstoppable ! I 'm exhausted . Where do you get the energy from ? ' Joanna still has her arms around her husband but she turns her head to reply . Guy is quiet and has a very hard time putting a smile on his face . He just wants to go home . When he sees the first guests leave and decides it 's enough . He has a hard time getting his wifes attention but when he finnaly does he makes it clear that he wants to leave . She smiles and says her goodbyes to her friend and says she will talk to him in the morning and thanks the Earl for his hospitality . Guy impatiently waits for Joanna to follow him . As they walk towards the hallway Guy manages to squize out a last smile to show the Sheriff all is in order . Joanna talks but he doesn 't listen . He is glad this is over . If it was up to him he would have the horses saddled and leave immediately . He is sitting on the edge of the bed , his back turned to her . She is walking from her side around the end of the bed towards her husband . ' You must be so tired . ' She sits on his lap with her arms around his neck . He looks down . She strokes his hair and kisses his cheak . ' Come , I 'll help you . ' She stands up and then gets on her knees to help him take of his shoes . He lies down and Joanna get 's into the bed on her side . She puts the covers over him and lies upon him . Her forhead touches his and she places her hands on both sides of his head . ' Are you allright ? ' Guy is glad his wife listens to him for a change . ' Goodnight , Guy . ' Sleep well . She kisses him goodnight and wants to turn around but he stops her . She laughs and his kisses her and holds her tight . He flips her onto her back as he doesn 't stop kissing her . Suddenly he feel 's back in control . He can do whatever he pleases . He is the Earl of Castleton . Nobody gets to decide what he must do ! Joanna is his wife and will be forever ! No matter what Rodrick or anyone else tries ! ' What are you doing ? ! Joanna is laughing . We have to get up at dawn if you want to leave so early . . . ' She can 't stop laughing . ' We are guests here ! ' Guy doesn 't stop what he is doing . As Joanna feels his hands underneath her clothes she just figures he needs to get rid of the tension of the day . She presses her body close to his . She enjoys making love to her husband . . . . Guy is all dressed and stuffing their things into the bags as Joanna wakes up . ' Good morning , darling . Come on , sleepy head . We 'll leave soon . ' ' Don 't be silly , my love . Now , get dressed and we will get ready to go home . ' He reaches out his hand and she looks into his smiling face . . . After a few days everyone has settled down again . Guy has spent some extra time with his family . The trip made him appreciate his home even more . As he is coming in for supper he sees one of the servants hand her a note . She smiles , whispers something to the servant and gives the note back . He crumbles it and stuffs it in his pocket . Guy doesn 't believe her . Ever since they came back from Charlston she 's been acting strange , no , even before that . She doesn 't listen , she doesn 't tell him everything , goes out without telling him where she is going . Is it that Earl 's son ? Is she seeing him ? No , that can 't be . Charlston is to far away . . unless he has found shelter here somewhere in the Shire . No , he must get rid of these thoughts . He looks at her . She wouldn 't betray him like that , would she ? Is there something else . What could there be ? Did the Sheriff talk to her ? Told her some nonsense . Or did he threaten her ? Is she being blackmaled ? Thinking of that makes him angry . Guy is getting up from the table . Joanna knows Guy has some business to take care of after supper . She is thinking of the note and tells Maria that she has to go out later . ' I don 't like it when you go out after dark . ' Maria answers . He get 's behind his desk and opens his books . He looks out of the window . Than he forces himself to concentrate . ' Let 's finish this . ' Hoping that he won 't have to work to late so he can join his wife for some quality time together . She jumps off and hurries inside a shack . The man following her gets of his horse in the bushes and walks calm towards the shack . He hears a little scream of joy and looks trought the window . . . At home she looks around if she sees Guy but he 's nowhere to be seen . Probably still at work . Upstairs she 's relieved that he isn 't there yet . She hates to mislead him like that . She hears Guy yelling her name . Before she can answer he 's already in the room . ' Just tell me the truth ! ' He comes close and while his nose almost touches hers he says : ' So you 've choosen a worker . Because he 's good with his hands ? ' ' Do I have to spell it out for you ? You were lying in his arms ? That dirty blacksmith . I will . . How . . How long have you been betraying me ? ! I knew something was wrong . ' ' What just happened ? ' Joanna doesn 't know what to do . She still can 't believe he thinks that she loves some else . And that she would hurt him like that . It wasn 't suppose to happen like this . She sits down for a moment and than realises she has to find Guy . Maria comes to see what is wrong . Joanna asks her if she saw Guy but she was in her chamber and didn 't see him . ' What 's the matter ? ' But Joanna doesn 't stop to answer her . She 's running to the stables . Whenever he is feeling down he goes to spent time with the horses he loves . ' Yes , he just rode out . He didn 't say much , just that we had work fast to get Fury ready . We just figured that you were maybe coming to so we saddled Darla . ' As soon as they told Joanna that Guy has left the castle she knew where he was going . She is scared . Scared of what he might do . To the blacksmith , or to himself . Never before has she raced her horse like today . From a far she sees Fury loose before the blacksmith 's shack . People have gathered around outside to see what is going on . She hears pots breaking and men yelling as she comes closer . ' Don 't be so stupid ! Look at what you 've done . How can you think that I . . I . . I don 't even know what to say . ' She opens it . Out comes a long object covered in a piece of fabric . Joanna removes the fabric . Out comes a beautiful sword . It 's one of the most shiny silver swords Guy has ever seen . The handle is made of gold and it 's finished off with gemstones . ' I wanted it to be special . You know Gus is the best in the Shire . I have brought him some of my old juwelery to melt down and use the gold and the stones in your sword . And I even helped out because I wanted to earn it myself . . . Look , it has your initials . ' Guy doesn 't know what to say . ' I got the message that it was ready . I could help myself . I had to come and see . I was happy . That 's what your spy saw ! I couldn 't bring it home . I was afraid you would find it before I could surprise You on your birthday . . ' Guy feels ashamed . Everything falls into place . He listen to the Sheriff again . Let him make him feel insecure . How could he think that his wife would leave him . Joanna is apologizing to Gus over and over again . He assures her he 's been in worse fights . She doesn 't know where to begin but just starts picking up the pieces . She feels a hand on her shoulder . She looks up . It 's Bryan . He smiles . She smiles back and without a word the three are cleaning up the place . Guy has almost reached the castle . He let 's Fury walk and than stops . He looks at the new sword . He 's been so stupid . She was right . He is the best . He can see the craftsmanship and the hours it must have cost . It 's beautiful and perfectly balanced . And this was his thanks ? Why couldn 't she just tell him that she was planning something for his birthday ? ! No , no . Why couldn 't he just trust her ? What if she hates him now ? Finds a better man ? No , he can 't make himself mad again ! He must think how to make it up to her . He is waiting for Joanna . He sits on the bed and stand ups again . His heart is beating in his throat . He can 't seem to calm himself . Looking at the sword that 's lying on the large chest at the end of the bed . ' Can we please not talk about it right now ? Let 's just go to sleep . It 's been a long day . We 'll talk about it in the morning . ' She answers calmly before he can make a centence . He wipes away her tears . ' Can you please look at me ? ' She looks at him for a short moment . He comes up and strokes her hair . He softly pushes her back so she lies on her back and he can kiss her . he doesn 't know what to say . He just know he loves her . He needs her . And this is his way to show her . He presses his lips onto her soft lips . She 's not really kissing him back . He can 't give up . With all the love he has in him he keeps kissing her . Is he imagining that her lips are moving ? That starts kissing him back ? With every kiss her kiss is getting stronger . He holds her tight and doesn 't stop . |
It is October and that means that it is time for the annual Just Plain Bob Invitational . I am constantly bombarded with comments saying things like " You call that a story ? My ten year old can do better than that . " Also heard a lot is " If that were my story xxxxx would have xxxxxxx and xxxxx would have xxxx . " So here is everyone 's chance to show me how it should really be done . Step up and put an ending to this story . There is only one rule . You must state in your opening that your story is a continuation of my story . It had been a long day . A ' brown out ' had slowed things down at work and it couldn 't have happened at a worst time . The production run was already behind and we were up against a hard deadline . The contract had penalties for failure to deliver on time and we would have to work overtime on the weekend if we were to have any chance at all of meeting the deadline . I was looking forward to a cold beer on the living room couch as I caught the news on CNN . There was a Harley in the driveway just behind Audrey 's Hondo Civic and I wondered who it might belong to . I walked into the living room and found Audrey sitting on the couch with some guy who looked just like the typical ' biker ' that you see portrayed in the movies and on TV . A vest with all kinds of badges , pins and patches over a shirt with the sleeves torn off . Jeans , engineer boots completed the costume . His arms and hands were covered with tattoos and even without seeing them I would bet that he had a " hate " tattoo on his left hand and a " love " tattoo on his right . That came as a surprise to me as I 'd not seen any indication of her dissatisfaction with me or our marriage . I looked at the guy sitting on the couch and smirking at me while holding a beer that I 'd bet came from my stock in the fridge . I nodded toward him and said : I didn 't waste any time with " Why ? " or " What have I done ? " or any of that other bullshit . If she was leaving and had asshole there to hold her hand it meant that she had already stabbed me in the back and cheated on me with him so she was history in my books . I turned to go to the kitchen and get me a beer and then the biker said : " That 's it ? Your bitch tells you she is dumping your ass and all you say is have a nice life ? Oh well , she said you would be a wimp . " Audrey looked away from me and I had my answer . I turned to the asshole and hit him . It caught him by surprise . Wimps aren 't supposed to get violent , right ? He shook it off and came after me . He must have been still thinking of me as a wimp because he didn 't use any caution at all . He just rushed at me . I kicked the inside of his right knee and drove it outward and he screamed and went down as the knee gave way . I kicked him twice in the stones , lifted him up and slammed him against the wall and then I beat the living shit out of him . The entire time Audrey was screaming , " Stop it , stop it " but I ignored her . When I got tired I let him slump to the floor . I looked over at Audrey and said : " Oh no you aren 't " I said as I grabbed her purse and dumped it out on the coffee table . I picked up her keys as I said " That car still has my name on the title and we still owe on it . I don 't trust you to make the payments and I 'll be damned if I 'm going to let you ruin my credit . " Then I noticed the white envelope with First National Bank on it and I picked it up and looked inside . It was stuffed with money . I took my cell phone off my belt and hit the speed dial number for the bank . I punched in our account number and the mechanical voice said : I disconnected and snarled , " You bitch . You fucking whore ! A house payment due , a car payment due and you cleaned me out and were going to leave me here holding the bag . " She walked out the door sniffling and sobbing and I went to the fridge to get another beer . As I pulled the tab on the can I had a thought so I set the beer down on the kitchen table and went back outside . Audrey was digging through the car for something and the biker was sitting up , leaning against his bike and retching . I walked up and looked down at him . " I know your type asshole . I know just what you are going to do . You are going to round up some buddies and come back here to show me that I can 't fuck with you and get away with it . I know you are going to do it and so I 'll be watching out for you . I 'm warning you now that if I see your ass again I 'll do more than just beat the fuck out of you . Remember that asshole . You have been warned . " I was in the living room getting asshole 's empty beer can off of the coffee table when I noticed a leather jacket lying on the floor next to the couch . I picked it up and on the back was painted a skull and the words " Diablo Riders . " I looked at it for a few seconds and then I called my cousin Lou who was a sergeant on the local police force and asked him if he knew anything about the Diablo Riders . " Only that they are a bunch of bad mother fuckers . They are into dope dealing and prostitution , but we haven 't been able to hang anything on them . Why do you want to know about them ? I told him and he laughed . " I guess I know what Audrey will be doing this time next week . They 'll have her hooked on something and she will be out on the streets making money for them . But you have a problem cuz . They can 't allow what you did to go unavenged . It might give other people ideas . " I was watching the pregame show on Monday night football when the call came . I turned off the TV and went out and sat down on the front porch swing . Just a little over an hour later a car and two pick up trucks pulled up in front of the house and seven guys got out . One of them was asshole and I was pleased to see that he was walking with a cane . They came up the walk and I went down off the porch to meet them . One of them , a big ugly bearded dude said : Two men moved in on me , one on each side and then the ugly dude swung at me . I didn 't try to avoid the punch ; I just stood there and took it . All hell broke loose as cops came spilling out of the house and garage and police cars with lights flashing and sirens going roared up the street and pulled up in front of the house . It all distracted the ugly dude and I speared him in the throat with the stiffened fingers of my right hand . At the same time I kicked the right knee of the guy on my right and he went down . The guy on my left was already running , but he didn 't get far before two cops had him on the ground and were cuffing him . Ugly dude lay at my feet gasping for breath and the other guy was clutching his knee and moaning . The rest of the group were all in handcuffs and being led away . All except asshole . He was standing there leaning on his cane as he watched his buds being loaded into the back of cop cars . My cousin Lou and another officer led him into the garage , sat him down on a chair and then cuffed him to it . Lou showed me two small cellophane bags and said : Lou handed me the keys to the handcuffs and then he and the other officer left . I walked over to my tool box and brought out the half inch drive breaker bar and then walked back over to stand in front of asshole . I stood there lightly tapping my palm with the breaker bar and then said : " They call this a breaker bar because it can usually break loose a stubborn nut or bolt . But you might remember that it can also break things . Remember the lights on your scooter ? Remember what I told you the last time I saw you ? I told you that if I ever saw you again I 'd do more than just beat the fuck out of you , but you didn 't listen did you . Did you see the punch that your buddy threw at me ? Did you see me just stand there and take it ? That was the price I had to pay to get you in this chair . I had to take that punch so it could be caught on tape to show just cause for the cops to take down your friends . Maybe they will thank you for giving them the opportunity to spend some time in jail . Think ? " I swung the breaker bar at his right knee as hard as I could and he screamed . I grabbed a shop towel from my work bench and forced it into his mouth to quiet him down and then I beat his right knee into mush . He had passed out from the pain so he was dead weight when I loaded him into the back of my pick up . I drove to a park just outside of town , pulled him out of the truck and dropped him by the pay phone just outside the public toilets . I checked his pockets to make sure that he had enough change to call for help and when I saw he didn 't I put two quarters in his pocket . " I warned you last time and you ignored it . You can ignore this warning too if you want to and it won 't bother me at all . You like western movies ? You know the part where one guy says to the other " This town isn 't big enough for both of us . You have until sundown to get out of town ? " That 's where we are now . Here 's the deal . You need to leave this town and never come back . In two weeks I 'm going to start looking for you and if I find you , depending on the mood I 'm in , I 'll either kill you or put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life and you will be taking all of your meals through a straw . One last thing . What happened to you tonight didn 't come from me . Call whoever you want and file any complaint you feel like , but I have five cops who will swear that I was playing cards with them . Remember . Two weeks and I come looking . " Lou called me in the morning . The biker 's vehicles had dope and weapons galore in them . Three of the bikers had guns on them and two of the gun totters were on parole so they were on their way back to prison . Two were carrying knives longer than the law allowed and all of them had dope on them . They were all going to be going to jail for a while . Two days later he called me again . " I talked with Audrey last night . She is staying with her sister . I told her what she almost got herself into and she said that she already knew and that is why she is at her sisters . Seems that after the boys headed for your place to pay you a visit some of the girls in the clubhouse clued her in and she split and went to her sisters . She asked me to call you and ask you if she could come home and talk to you . " " Okay Rob , just passing a message . Be careful . There are still a couple of Diablo Riders still out there . They aren 't really hardcore which is why they weren 't with the bunch that came to visit , but better safe than sorry . Given your good standing with the Task Force we could probably get you a concealed carry permit if you want . " Two weeks went by and one night when I came home from looking for asshole I found a woman sitting on my front porch steps . She stood up as I approached and I saw that she was a sexy looking woman although in a hard way if you know what I mean . I 'm no judge of tit size , but hers were substantial and the tank top she was wearing showed plenty of cleavage . About five foot six , dishwater blond hair and she filled out her jeans nicely and altogether she looked like a lady I wouldn 't mind playing with . The only thing I saw that I didn 't care for were the tattoos she had . She had the ' barbed wire ' one on her left arm and what looked like a bunch of flowers on her right arm at the shoulder . She probably had a couple more that I couldn 't see . I walked up to her and asked : " The rent is due and he split with the money . We 've been late a couple of times before and the landlord said that the next time we were late we were out . Oh well , it won 't be the first time we have had to sleep in the car . " " I 'm not that great in the kitchen and thanks to your ex - roomie I don 't have a cook and housekeeper any more . It 's a four bedroom house so there is plenty of room for you and your daughters . No strings attached . You will be the live in cook and maid and that 's all . " " He was all set to walk out of here with my wife . Imagine how he will take it when he hears that the woman that used to be his is now living with me . He won 't know that all you are is a live in maid . He will think that we are doing the horizontal boogie and it will make him nuts . And I really can 't cook for beans . As I see it it is a win win situation . " " Okay Kari " I said as I handed her the keys to my truck . " Give me the keys to the Honda . You can get the Diablos to help you load the truck , but we won 't need them here . I 'll take care of the unloading . " She looked at me with a strange expression and said , " The keys are in it . Why are you trusting me with your truck ? That 's a ten year old car parked at the curb and your truck is almost brand new . " I led them into the house and took them on a tour which ended up on the second floor . I pointed out the three spare bedrooms and told them to take their pick . The three of the looked over the rooms , made their choices and then we went down and unloaded the truck . Once they were moved in I told them that I hadn 't been expecting company so the pantry was bare and I told Kari to check out the kitchen and the freezer in the basement and make a list of what we needed while I took a shower . I finished my shower , checked out Kari 's list to see if there was anything I wanted to add and then we went shopping . I dropped Kari and the girls at King Soopers and told her I had an errand to run and would be back before they got to the check out stands . I told her to buy enough to last us two weeks . " I know that all three of you are a little worried about what you might be getting into so I got you these . I 'm giving them to you in the package so that you can see that it has not been opened so copies could be made of the keys and I want each of you to be standing there watching as I open the packages , give you the keys and install the doorknobs . I want all three of you to know that you are safe in this house . " " Okay then . A couple of rules to follow . Just as your rooms are off limits to me , mine is off limits to you . I have to get up at five to go to work so I 'm usually in bed by ten or ten - thirty so try to keep the noise down after I sack out . There is a computer in the den and you are free to use it , but no porn sites . Porn sites are where most of the viruses come from . If there is anything in the kitchen that is especially yours label it otherwise what is in the fridge and pantry is up for grabs . And last of all I don 't know if any of you smoke , but if you do the house is a smoke free zone . Outside on the patio or in the garage if the weather is bad , but never in the house . Those are mine . Do you have any ? " " There are a couple but I have a set in my bedroom if need be . Oh , one other thing . I despise rap music so if you play it make sure that I don 't hear it . Anything else ? " " Not at all . I admit that it concerns DJ , but the time limit on your stay is up to you . That of course is subject to change if I end up with another woman in my life , but I don 't see that happening until I can legally get rid of the whore I 'm married to and my information is that that little chore can take as long as six months . Why ? Are you worried that I 'm going to kick you out in a week or two ? " " I 'm not very trusting when it comes to me Rob . They have taken advantage of me and fucked over me most of my life . It hasn 't helped any that I 've made bad choices . I need to know if it is worth the time and effort to get the girls transferred from the school they are in to the one in this district . " " Okay . You need to know that I have a job . I wait tables at Patty Ann 's Café on the morning shift . I get off at two so I 'll still have plenty of time to take care of my duties here as cook , maid and chief dishwasher . Between me and the girls we will get the job done . " " Not hardly . I make enough to buy groceries and keep the girls in what they need . It is enough to take care of me if I was alone and living in a small one bedroom or studio apartment somewhere , but nowhere near enough to take care of the three of us in a place big enough for the three of us . DJ took care of the rent and utilities and I took care of the food and housekeeping . " " He kept trying to get me to do drugs with him . He said sex was so much better when on a drug high , but I wasn 't buying it . I knew if he got me to try drugs I 'd end up hooked and I 'd already seen what other Diablos did to the women they got hooked . And then there were the girls . DJ 's friends were starting to pay too much attention to them . I 'll give DJ credit . He wouldn 't stand for any one messing with Barb and Bev , but I began to get the idea that that was because he wanted them for himself . I was already looking for a way out when you did whatever it was that made him run . What did you do ? " " It was a thought , but now that I 've heard your story I don 't think it is likely . I do hope that somehow he hears that you are living here with me . It should make him crazy . " " Absolutely . Threats and promises aren 't worth spit unless you follow through on them . Too many people know about what I told the asshole and if the people don 't see me follow through the word will get around that I don 't mean what I say and I can 't be having that . " She blushed . " I don 't have anybody waiting in the wings . It is too soon . DJ hasn 't been gone long enough for me to start looking for a replacement , but it will happen sooner or later . I 'm a healthy girl with healthy appetites . When it happens I 'll try not to bring them here , but I did want to clear the decks just in case . " The Girls changed schools and they seemed to be good students . Kari worried about them a lot and she hovered over them like a momma bear over her cubs . She was afraid , and justifiably so , that a pair of sixteen year olds who looked twenty would be hit on a lot by the older boys and it scared her to death because that is what happened to her . She had been an impressionable and extremely well developed fourteen when the eighteen year old seniors at her high school started hitting on her . She got all starry eyed and believed one of the assholes when he told her that he loved her and then she watched as he ran like a thief in the night when he got her pregnant . She kept telling the girls to be careful because she didn 't want them to end up like her . " Why haven 't you made a move on my mom ? She is as horny as a billy goat and is ready for a man . Does she need to carry a sign saying " Fuck me please " before you pay attention to her ? " " Maybe it is because your mom hasn 't shown any interest in having a move made on her . Maybe it is because I 'm still married and I don 't feel right about going after other women before I 'm divorced . Maybe it is because I have the hots for someone else . " I 'm not sure , but I think I 'm the one who turned purple . Bev gave me a little smile and turned and left the room . As I watched her walk I realized that Kari I had good reason to be scared . And so did I . I was painfully aware of the hard on that Bev has just given me . From then on the tone of things changed around the house . Bev and Barb ( apparently they kept no secrets from each other ) started openly flirting with me when Kari wasn 't around . I became aware that it was being offered to me if I was ready and willing to step up to the plate . Kari left the house at four - thirty to open Patty Ann 's Café and get things set up for the breakfast crowd . I was up and ready to leave the house between five and five - fifteen and until the night that Bev came into the den the twins were never up until after I was gone . Suddenly , once Kari was gone , the twins were getting up and trotting between their bedrooms and the bathroom naked ! It was obvious that I was being deliberately tempted . And tempted I was . God knows I was . But I was also smart enough to know that slipping my cock into a sixteen year old , no matter how desirable she might be , was a one way ticket to a dark and gloomy jail cell . About a week after the girls started running around naked in front of me I took a day off from work to go to the doctor 's and get my yearly physical so I was still in the house at seven - thirty . The girls normally left the house for school around ten to eight . I was sitting at the computer checking my email when the girls came into the room . Barb said : " There are all kinds of reasons for me to fight it . You are under age and when I got caught I would go to jail and I would get caught because your mom watches you too close . That 's one and another is that your mom would kill me if she even thought I may have the idea of doing either of you . Then there is the health issue . No way I would be physically able to handle the both of you so forget it girls ; it just ain 't gonna happen . " Bev said , " First off the only reason mom is worried is because she doesn 't want us to end up as single moms at our age . That won 't ever happen because even though mom doesn 't know it we are both on the pill thanks to an older friend of hers who pretended to be our mom when we went to the doctor and if you 'll remember I already told you that you would have to use a condom . You won 't go to jail because no one but the three of us will ever know . Your health won 't be an issue because we will set up a schedule and take turns . You can come up with all the excuses you want , but we have made up our minds so it is going to happen . " I made sure not to go home before I knew Kari would be there . I did not want to be alone with Bev and Barb . I knew what I wasn 't going to do , but I didn 't know what they might do so I thought it best to avoid them . I ignored her and she laughed and left the room . Barb was sitting opposite me at the dinner table and even though I 'm not a lip reader I had no trouble making out the word when she looked at me and silently mouthed the word " chicken . " It made me even more determined to have a talk with Kari and I decided to do it when she sent the girls off to do their homework . During the time between dinner ending and the girls being sent off to their rooms I rehearsed what I would say to Kari , but then I started thinking ' what if she doesn 't believe me ? What if she goes to the girls and they say that it is all bullshit and that I 've been hitting on them and now I 'm trying to make trouble for them because they kept saying no . What if . . . ? By the time they were sent off to do their homework I did what Barb had silently accused me of . I chickened out . The next morning I made sure that I was up and out of the house a minute behind Kari . I would handle the problem with the girls by making sure that I was never alone with them . The Waffle House was open all night so I had a place to go to have breakfast and nurse a cup of coffee until it was time to go to work . That got old after two days so I knew I would have to find some other early morning activity to get me out of the house . I was looking through the morning paper and saw an ad announcing the grand opening of a fitness center and it said that the hours of operation would be from five in the morning until nine at night . It was $ 395 a year and I considered that a fair price if it kept me away from Bev and Barb . Kari has kept in touch with one or two of her girl friends who were still running with the Diablos who were lucky enough not to be in jail . They told her that the word was that as soon as the ones I had caused to be locked up got out they would be coming for me . I called Lou and told him that I was interested in that concealed carry permit he had mentioned and he put me in touch with the people I had to talk with . I already had a Beretta 92F and after a twelve hour course I had a permit to carry . Next I tried to visit a couple of the Diablos who were in prison , but found out that the only way you could get on the approved visitor 's list was if the inmate requested that you be put on it . I finally got one who was curious enough about why I wanted to visit to put me on his list . I went to see him on a Saturday . He sat on the other side of the glass partition and I could tell from the smirkish smile on his face that he knew what was planned for me so I cut right to the chase . " Here 's the deal . I 've heard about what you say you are going to do to me when you get out and here is what I am going to do about it . " I took my carry permit out of my shirt pocket and held it up to the partition so he could read it . " They wouldn 't let me bring the Beretta in here , but I don 't go anywhere else without it . The way it is going to be is that if I see any one of you once you get out I will kill you . If we run into each other walking down an aisle at Safeway I will take out my gun and kill you . If I am in a gas station putting gas in my car and you pull in to get gas for your bike and I see you I will kill you . If I 'm driving down the street and I see you coming up from behind in the next lane I will roll my window down and kill you when you get close enough . Get the message ? If I see you anywhere at all I 'm going to remember that you said you were going to get me when you got out and I will kill you before you get the chance . " All my friends in the sheriff 's office and on the local police force know about your threat and they have already said to do what I have to do and they will make sure that it goes down as a justifiable homicide . So get your head around it . I will kill you if I see you . Tell all your buddies . If I see any of you you will die . I will not wait for you to make a move and then defend myself . I see you and I will kill you . Have a nice day . " I got up and walked out of the visiting room . It was bullshit about the cops giving me a pass , but he didn 't know that . He saw all the cops I had waiting when he and his crew showed up at my place and he knew that DJ had been left in my hands when the rest of them were hauled away so I was betting that he believed me . The other thing going on was that Audrey was fighting the divorce . All of a sudden I was the love of her life , she couldn 't live without me and everything that had happened was all just a huge misunderstanding . We could put things back together if I would just sit down with her and talk things out . " Not a chance in hell " I told her through my attorney . She countered by having her attorney petition the court to order counseling and the judge did it . It was one of those open ended things where it would go on and on until the councilor decided that there was no hope of reconciliation and since he was paid by the session and not a flat fee he could drag it out forever . I let him know up front in the very first session that there was not the slightest chance that I would ever take the bitch back . The first session was ' what were the major problems between us ? ' I told my side and Audrey kept butting in and telling me that I was wrong , that I just didn 't understand the situation and if I would only let her explain . . . ! I stood up and started to leave and the councilor asked me where I was going . I told him there was no sense in my staying there and trying to tell my side if he wasn 't going to tell her to shut the fuck up and stop interrupting me . He told Audrey to keep quiet and that she would get her turn when I was finished . I sat down , finished my say with : Then it was her turn . She had never cheated on me and she wasn 't really leaving me . It was just going to be a trial separation to give her some time and space to work on some issues she had with our marriage . She wasn 't running off with DJ ; he was just a friend she had there with her in case I tried to stop her from leaving . And she didn 't mean to take all of the money out of our account . She only meant to take half , but she was nervous , sweating the coming confrontation with me and here mind was elsewhere when the teller at the bank told her our balance and she automatically wrote it down on the withdrawal slip . She realized the mistake on her way home and she intended to give me half the money before she left , but I never gave her the chance The bottom line was that she loved me , really , really loved me and it was all just a huge mistake and that we could work things out . The councilor said that was enough for that session . He told us each to make a list of the issues we each saw in the marriage and bring it to the next session to discuss . I wanted to tell him there wouldn 't be anymore sessions , but I couldn 't . My lawyer ha already told me that the divorce was stalled until the court had the report from the marriage councilor saying that no hope of a reconciliation existed and that no councilor was going to say that without at least four sessions . The second session was more bullshit from Audrey as she listed the issues she had while I listened and shook my head . I dropped my dirty clothes on the floor . I left the toilet seat up . I never called when I was going to be a little late in coming home . I got up Saturday morning and cut the grass even though I knew she liked to sleep in on the weekends and the mower motor would wake her up . She was willing to watch football with me , but I would never watch Oprah with her and on and on and on . She made herself look like an absolute doofus . He asked for my list and I told him that I didn 't have one . I told him I was perfectly happy with my marriage right up to the day that she and DJ ambushed me in our living room . Actually , I didn 't say it quite that way . What I said was : " I have to do it because the judge ordered it . If it were Judge Harriman or Judge Spiegel I could go back after one session and tell them there was no hope and say that further sessions would be a waste of time . Your judge and three or four others insist on a minimum of four sessions . Be thankful your judge isn 't Whitman . He has been known to specify eight or ten sessions . And before you ask , no . I won 't let you not show and say that you did . If your wife or her attorney somehow found out I would be toast . The best I can do for you is to schedule your one on one for a Monday night and we can watch Monday Night Football on the TV in my office . And that is just what we did . On my way home from watching the game it suddenly occurred to me that I was being stupid . Audrey didn 't want a divorce so by God I wouldn 't give her one . We were in a no fault state so she would end up with half of our assets . She couldn 't touch the house because it had been left to me by my parents and I had never added her name to the title or the mortgage , but she would get half of the cash , household furnishings , one of the vehicles and part of my pension and 401k when I retired and probably some alimony since I made more than she did at her part time morning job . No divorce , no divorce settlement . Audrey was thinking no divorce meant she would move back in , but that would be a cold day in hell . " When hell freezes over . I 'm dropping the divorce because I 'm not going to waste any more of my time fighting with you over it , but I still don 't want anything to do with your lying , cheating ass " and I hung up on her . That wouldn 't be the end of it and I knew it , but it would take her a while to figure out what to do next and - more importantly - come up with the money to do anything about it . The next morning I called my attorney and told him to do what needed to be done to stop the divorce proceedings . |
As requested , on our last day we won 't do much writing or grammar ( because we 've done enough of that ! ) . Let 's return to the story about the world 's tallest man . First , we 'll do that second paragraph . I 'll give you the first ten to fifteen minutes to compare your answers with other people 's . After that I shall use some of the activities from the ' breaking news ' website . After the break we shall return to the latest developments in the ' Pumpkin ' story . Last year , I was in Wat Buddha Gothenberg , Sweden , for three months teaching meditation to Thai people and whoever else was interested . It was my first time long journey overseas , so it excited me very much . I had many exciting , fantastic and impressive experiences and one of them was very special . It was the day that I will never forget . It was a nice day in the middle of autumn . The sky was clear and the weather was warm . I had finished meditation about 2 P . M . . Suddenly , I saw someone came into my room . It was unbelievable , but I could see through his body to a cupboard behind ! . He looked like a tall man but his body was transparent . A twinkling fluorescent light spread out from his whole body . He was waring a tight orange shirt with sleeves that were long enough to cover a little below his elbows , and his trousers were tight and just covered a little below his knees . Like a boat floating on the water , he moved softly and slowly in the air about one foot above the floor . He did not come straight ; he just walked in front of me for a short distance and then disappeared ! . Even through it was my first time for me to see what some people may call " a ghost " , I was not scared at all . It might be that he was nice and not awful . When he left , I remembered my merits , the good things I have done , offered them to him and wished him to be happy on his way . I realized that , according to Buddhist knowledge , he was not a ghost or devil , but a kind of after - death being that can be found around the world . Today , on our second last day of term ( what shall we do tomorrow ? ? ? ) the first part of the morning will be taken up by assessment resits . The lucky few that don 't need to will receive a newspaper article that follows the story we read yesterday about a missing three - year - old girl . There are many links in the news : one , two , three , four , five , six . . . After the break we will take a look at the ' Grammar Hammer ' sheet I 've been meaning to share with you for several days . We will choose sentences to make incorrect models of . Here is another story for you to correct . It has many errors . The original version is here . Tallest Man in the World Gets Married The worlds tallest man has marrying a woman who is just two - thirds his height and half his aged in a traditional ceremony in Mongolia . The wedding took place on July 12th in the tomb of the most famous never Mongolian Kublai Khan . The record - breaking 2 . 4 metre high groom Bao Xishun , 56 , is farmer from Mongolia he met his bride Xia Shujian , 28 , earlier these year after searching for a suited woman by sending advertisements around the world . Xia be a petite 1 . 7 metres tall . And comes up to her husbands ' elbow when standing side to side . In the end , he didn 't have to looking so far as his bride are a saleswoman from his own hometown more then 2 , 000 people attended the happy day , including relatives locals and a large crowd of journalists . Bao wore a special designed , traditional pale blue wedding robe under neath a decorative gold vest . He ride to his bride 's relatives in front of a tomb in a wedding cart pulled by two camel . In keeping with Mongolian tradition , the bride 's family tried to " stop " Bao reaching his bride , symbolizing the familie 's last efforts to protect her . Wherever , they soon changed their minds after he pleaded to see and Marry his intended the bride 's family were accepted him and offered tea . Which means he had been accepted in to her family . Bao entered the Guinness Book of World Records las year as the word 's tallest person . He were average heiPosted by In 1991 I got my qualification as a project engineer . This job was a very big challenge . I had been training for six years to do it . My first mission was to conduct a flight test to solve the early buffet problem of a jet trainer . There were ten out of sixty jet trainers which encountered early buffet problems . These ten jet trainers were prototypes . For some unknown reason , they tended to buffet earlier than other normal jet trainers when landing . Buffet is caused by air stream separation . Pilots would feel shaking on the stick when the jet trainer flies in a low speed approaching the runway . No pilot likes this ! The mission was an exciting event for me . It was my first time to handle such a complex problem - to coordinate so many experts , and to conduct a flight test . I felt excited , but at the same time nervous because a test pilot had been killed in a flight test just a month before . I didn 't want such a tragedy happening again in my flight test . Before the flight test , we had designed a small delta wing to install on the leading edge of the wing root of the jet trainer . Many ground tests had been conducted on this new design to verify its safety . There were still risks in real flight . I hecked every detail before the jet trainer took off . When the jet trainer was in the air and began the flight test , everything seemed to go as expected . We all felt excited . We had done it successfully . Finally the jet trainer landed on the runway safely . After the first flight test mission , I conducted many flight test missions during the next six years without losing a pilot or a jet . I am very happy about that . I won 't distract you from our main objective which is to celebrate the coming of spring with our own Language Centre Barbecue . But to keep up honest , this is the work that will occupy us in the morning : A few sentences dictated from this morning 's newspaperThe same story from the paper for you to read and then rewrite in less than 100 wordsCheck the narrative that I published on your behalf yesterday for errors and give them to me on a piece of paperPunctuate the 23 random sentences on the other worksheet , and check your answers by visiting this punctuation site . ( There are many other sites for punctuation practice . I like this one the best , and also this one ) Finally , I shall give you the information sheet that I forgot to give you yesterday . We shall look at it more closely tomorrow ( after the resits ) . A long time ago , I was born in a village . I lived in a small wooden house with my parents and my four brothers . We were poor . I still remember that we didn 't have enough money to buy food and clothes or even a toy . Usually we played games by ourselves including throwing stones . The game was to see who could throw a stone furthest into the forest . We also made kites . Sometimes , we climbed up mountains and swam in the sea . We didn 't have money to buy things , and our parents always taught us we couldn 't steal things from stores . They said we must always pay before leaving . I kept this advice in my mind . One day , when I was walking past the dump , I saw a beautiful doll inside a heap of rubbish . Even though the doll was covered with leftover food and was smelly , she was lovely . I put the doll inside my rubbish bag and hid it under my bed . I was scared because I had taken it from the dump without paying . I had stolen the doll from the dump . A week later , when I came back home after school , I discovered that my doll had disappeared . I saw my mother holding my doll and standing in front of me . I was so scared . I started to cry . I couldn 't stop until my mother used her hand to cover my mouth , and she asked me about the doll . I told her the truth and then my mother told me that the doll was rubbish from someone who threw it away . We didn 't have to pay for it . It wasn 't a piece of rubbish - it was the first doll in my life . My mother didn 't blame me . In fact , she cleaned up my doll and allowed me to sleep with it . After I got the doll from the dump , I discovered that it wasn 't only a dump for rubbish . It was a paradise for me . No matter if it was sunny or rainy , my mother would always be able to find me there . Many years ago , just after our wedding anniversary , my wife and I suddenly decided to go away somewhere for Valentine 's Day . We did not want to stay with crowds of people , so we were really delighted when we saw an advertisement in the Freedom magazine for a holiday flat . It was located in the suburbs of Taichung in the middle of Taiwan . We booked it at once and on Valentine 's Day in the afternoon , we set off in the car . Although it was raining heavily and was cold and windy , we were still happy and excited . This trip took us about three hours , and finally we saw the flat in the distance . It stood in a huge wood between the town and the mountains . The forest reached as far as the mountain tops . We drove into the huge front yard , down a long wide cement road . We went to the door and knocked on it lightly . The door opened slowly . The owner , a small old woman , was wearing dirty working clothes , carrying a broom and dustpan . However , we couldn 't believe our eyes when we saw our room . The bed and the furniture were made of bamboo . They were so old and weak that they made sounds when we used them . Also there was only one power point and the walls were a grey cement colour . It was too dark for us . This flat was really an abandoned farm house , so we decided not to stay there . We ran to the car , and drove to the town to look for a hotel to stay in . We were worried that it would be hard to find . Eventually we found a small hotel beside a church just as midnight was striking . " Happy Valentine 's Day " the manager said and then he gave us a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates . We were so happy and excited that we hugged and laughed . I think " Seeing is Believing " is a good proverb . An advertisement picture is good , but we should not believe it completely . Sometimes it is not true . A few years ago , on a sunny and a beautiful day , I got up early . At 7 : 30 am , I left home with my children to take them to the university . I dropped them off and after that I went shopping at the supermarket . I spent about one hour , and then I went back home . While I was driving on Larnach road , I suddenly heard a bang and felt frightened and devastated . Something terrible had happened . I realised that I had been hit by a car ! I stopped the engine , got out and looked at the left side of the car . I found the door was damaged due to the carelessness of the young female driver . I asked her to ring the police , but she woudn 't . She told me that she given me all the information about her car and her insurance company . I was worried , so I stopped a driver and asked him what I should do about this accident and then he told me that her information was enough . When my son came back home , I explained to him what had happened and then he phoned her and got more details from the young woman . The next day , I made a claim to my insurance company . After two days , the company rang me to tell me to send my car to the panelbeating shop to be repaired . I did that and the shop arranged a temporary car for me . Finally , I received my car as good as new . It took about three weeks until it was sorted out . I was very happy because I am used to driving my own car . When young drivers are careless , it can cause problems . Many years ago , I went to a holiday park in the south of Taiwan with some of my best friends . The park was beautiful , green and calm . There was a lot of grassland , a large forest , a vast clear lake and some holiday houses . We stayed there for many days and just enjoyed the nature and the magnificent scenery . On the third day of our holiday , we went on a boating trip on a long and winding river . The river was deep and the current was strong . We were very excited and also nervous because we had never had any experience of this , and we couldn 't control the boat . We just floated along , and the boat circled around on the water . Suddenly we ran into a current , and the boat was quickly dashed against a rock . At the time , I didn 't grip the rope well and fell into the water before anyone could reach me . I was terrified and frightened ; I couldn 't catch up with the boat and was quickly swept away . Unfortunately I went into a whirlpool , and even though I was making a good effort to escape , I couldn 't swim out . I was tired and I thought I couldn 't survive much longer in the water , but luckily I got hold of a rock and clung desperately to it . About twenty minutes later , the guide with an assistant rowed in a boat close to the rock . They threw a rope and shouted to me , " Hang on . We 'll get you out ! " I tried to catch the rope many times , but it was still too far from me . Finally the guide dove into the water and brought it to me . Then I was soon taken to the riverbank . When I recall the matter , even now I still appreciate the guide . I believe that it was the most exciting holiday of my life . Eight years ago , our family was still living in Cambridge , we had a couple of really good friends called Paul and Sally . They were generous and hospitable , and they really loved to go jet boating . One weekend , they invited us to go boating with thom on the Waikato River , and we decide to accept their invitation . That morning , we got up early and met them at their place . We spent thirty minutes getting to theriver . After Paul put the boat in the water , he showed us how to put on the lifejackets , and then he patiently explained the safety rules to us . If the boat went fast , we would have to hold on tight . Then we were off . We were ready to face the big challenge . The view of the riverbank was incredible . The ride of thrills , fun and excitement took us along a beautiful river environment , lined with native bush and sheer rock cliffs . Then the engines roared and we were pushed black into our seats . We sped down the river with the wind whipping our hair and water spraying all around us . Paul span the wheel and made the boat spin 360 degrees . My stomach was churning and I was laughing so much . I heard the other people yell . Back down the river we hurtled . We sped around a corner and headed straight toward a bank . I closed my eyes . Suddenly , the engine started steaming and making strange noises and then stopped right in the middle of the river . All of us were frightened and worried . I was anxious that we would be stranded for some hours . Fortunately after twenty minutes , Paul got the boat up and running again . Finally , we headed back to shore safely . We were all wet and exhausted . When we got on the bank and stood on the earth again , we had acheived the most exciting and wildest ride that we had ever had , and also we felt very happy . It was a nice day which we have never forgotten . We had never go to try anything new , since the year we moved to New Zealand , so this memory stands out . A long time ago , when I was eleven , I had the best birthday in my life ; that 's why I still remember the party . I was very happy and so excited because all of my classmates had come . Before my birthday my dad bought a big birthday cake . I was very happy . " WOW ! It looks very delicious and fantastic ! " I shouted with joy . But then our dog jumped on the cake ! The cake got out of shape . I cried and tears rolled down my face . The dog was very bad . I want to smack it . My mum said , " Don 't cry ! I 'll make a beautiful birthday rice cake . " She soothed me , to stop me crying . Next day my mum made a birthday rainbow rice cake with eleven candles on it , and she also prepared a lot of food . My two brothers decorated our house with all kinds of coloured balloons , and they decorated my room with flowers and pictures , just like a house in a fairy tale . That day I received many presents from my friends and they all joined in singing happy birthday . After the party we played games for three hours . My eleventh birthday party had the largest number of my friends attending . After the birthday party , I hugged my mum and I said to her , " I love you mum . You are the best mum in the world . " My mum also hugged me tight . That night I dreamed of my birthday party . Sometimes I am absorbed in memories of my childhood , and I want to return to my childhood when I see black and white photographs . The memory of my eleventh birthday party still remains as an exciting event . I first came to New Zealand in April , 2007 . Everywhere was clean , not crowded and there were a lot of places to relax , so I was very impressed . Even though New Zealand is peaceful , I have sometimes had some adventures . One day , I had to visit my relatives in Orewa . I had never been there before . I set out at seven o ' clock from Greenlane Road in Auckland and drove along the motorway . Carefully I checked signs because I didn 't want to waste any time losing my way . Five minutes later , my aunt called me on my mobile , asking where I was . We talked for about two minutes , and then I saw two signs that I couldn 't tell apart . The first was " Nelson " and the other was " Newton " . I chose " Nelson " . After that everything became like a whirlpool . I lost my way and drove for an hour around and around the city centre . I tried to find the right way , but I reached the Sky Tower instead . I had planned to visit here once , but not now . I kept driving past Auckland University and stopped my car to ask someone , but he answered too quickly for me , so I didn 't understand him . " Try again , " I told myself . I drove along the road and saw a lot of boats sailing on the sea . When I was in Thailand , my friend told me that Auckland is the city of sails . When I saw them , I knew what she meant . Fortunately , I saw the Auckland Harbour Bridge . That reminded me of the way to Orewa . Then I could find the sign to cross the bridge and reach my destination even though it was very late . However , that morning was not so bad . It was an excursion that I have never forgotten . When I was a student I had a nice and exciting time . We were studying " Human Anatomy " , so this department was on the second floor of the high building . When students were having a break we stood at the class room . In the class were many body 's on the table . One student just for fun made some joke , when we were breaking ; he dropped a human 's hand from the window on to somebody 's car . After lunch when we were studying in the class room , somebody knocked on the door , we saw a policeman . He started investigate the incident . The drive of the car returned home for lunch , he opened the boot of the car and saw a hand . He had a poor heart condition of course he felt a terribly stressed . His wife called the police . All the students were shocked and afraid by policeman 's visit . I thought " Oh dear ! We are going to have a big problem ! " After class we had to write explaining this incident . I felt nervous and stressed , because every day the policeman came and asked over and over again what happened that day . I thought it would never end . On the other hand it was a good experience for everybody , because we never did anything like this again . It was many years ago , but I still remember everything which happened in my student life . I had an unforgettable and exciting time . Two years ago , my children and I went to Rarotonga which is a beautiful small Island . It took four hours to get there from Christchurch . We arrived there early in the morning . We were very excited . It was really warm and everything was completely different . As we went into the airport an old man was singing a song and playing a traditional instrument . A big Pacjfic woman brought a beautiful garland of flowers and put it around my neck . We stayed at a gorgeous resortt . Werented a car and drove around the Island which only thirty minetes . Eveyday we enjoyed many kinds of activities such as canoeing , snorkeling , crab racing , dancing and coconut tree climbing . One day we went canoeing with some people , we decided to paddle to one spot which didn 't seem dangerous . When we got there my children jumped into the water and tried to swim . They realized the water was very deep and started to panic . They tried to get out of the water but couldn 't because of the strong current . I also panicked and shouted loudly . I couldn 't do anything because if I jumped into thewater it would cause more confusion . Fortunately , three canoes came . One of the ladies stayed cal , and told me not to panic . Then she rowed to my children and helped them to get into their canoes . After my children were safe , we went back to the resort . We decided to keep our of trouble so we stayed in our room until the final day . Although we had had a bad experience we had a good time there . Many years ago my son Alex was three years old . He was a very active child , full of energy , and he would run during our walks outside , but when he was at home he was totally different . Alex was quiet and calm and he spent most of the time playing with his favourite toys - cars and balls . At this age , Alex didn 't speak too much . He had a limited vocabulary . One day he was playing with a small ball in his room . At that moment I was cooking a meal in the kitchen and I tried to look in at him from time to time . Suddenly I heard him shout and I quickly went to the room . I found him crying and repeating ' the ball , the ball ' . " Where is it ? " He showed me his mouth . I decided that he had probably swallowed the ball . I asked him , " Did you swallow it ? " . He nodded his head and it seemed like he meant , ' yes ' . " Are you suffocating ? " I asked , because he started to gasp . Immediately I remember the advice of Dr Spock , a very famous and popular American pediatrician . I jumped up and put Alex in front of me and I started to press his chest . After a few minutes he cried with joy , " Ah . . . my ball " and pointed to the floor . Only then I realized that it had been a misunderstanding . Alex had never swallowed the ball . He had only tried to show me what would happen , if he did . I started to cry and laugh happily at the same time . It was my first attempt at giving someone first aid and I will remember it all of my life . One day , when I was 8 years old , my dad said to me , " I have good news for you we are going to spend the holiday in a lovely house near the beach . " My sisters and I were happy when we heard that , because we love the sea , sun , sand , and fresh air . I used to ask my dad many questions , so my dad looked at me and said , ' I will tell you where the house is and how many bedrooms are there . Sometimes my dad was angry with my questions , but this day he was not . With a big smile he told me everything about the house and he answered all my questions . I could not wait to see it when I knew there was a swimming pool . However , when our car stopped at the house I was shocked , because I saw a big dog standing in front of it , so I cried and I said to my parents , " Oh , what is that ? " My dad said the dog belonged to the owner and he was supposed to stay outside in the backyard . I hated dogs , so I could not imagine how I could stay in the house with it . Therefore I refused to spend the holiday at the house with that dog and I said to my parents that I was going back to the car , but my dad said , " He will not hurt you . He is chained up you . You do not have to go near him . " I went into the house and I tried to enjoy playing with my sisters . After a few days I got used to listening to his barking and sometimes I looked out of my bedroom window at him . I even , tried to give him some food . By the end of the holiday we had became friends and I did not hate dogs any more . Good morning , and welcome to the start of the last week of term . I shall tell you the results of the narrative writing assessment that you did in morning class recently . Seven of you passed on the first trial , and I hope that the rest of you will do so this week . I am suggesting Wednesday for that . After I inform you of the results , I would like the 7 of you that achieved to work elsewhere from 9 until 10 . 30 . Your job is to find a computer and to email me at williaml @ tekotago . ac . nz your stories . Write them as a word document please , and attach them . Everyone will have a few errors to correct , irrespective of whether you passed . In class I shall work with the rest of you to help you correct your own work . I will not do it for you , but you may submit your work as often as you like . After the break please meet me in the computer suite . I want to upload your narratives onto this site . If you wish your story to be anonymous then that is okay . However , all of your stories are worth reading , and I think it would be a good idea to ' publish ' them in this fashion . Finally , here is an excellent site for you to continue improving your writing . Hi everyoneThe Internet was down up until about 30 minutes before class , so this is a rush job ! I dug out a couple of worksheets from 2005 - were you in my class then ? Maybe George and Carol and one or two others were ) . Anyway , this is what we 'll do : I 've printed you off a sheet with an article on each side . One of them is a bottom - up activity , where you inset the missing words . The words I chose are small ones , ones which are often overlooked in English class . On the other side is an article about glaciers . The dictation I will give you comes from that . I want you to see if the phrases I give you exist in the article . I 'm talking about meaning here - not the exact words . After that I did a quick search for " Glaciers warming ESL " . I found an idea for quick discussions , writings etc . We shall run with those . I found a 2 - min documentary that we can try to see , and if you are interested there are many resources listed at this site . ( There 's a bit French here , but don 't let that put you off . ) Today from 9 . 30 until 10 . 30 you shall be working on your own ( or in pairs ) . At that time I need to do some assessment moderation - yours ! You will have three things to do during this time , and I shall follow those tasks up between 11 and 12 . First , your narrative texts . Just to let you prepare , about half of you have achieved this the first time . The other half will need to do a resit as soon as possible - probably next Monday . I shall go over the main reasons for people not achieving their assessments during the first half hour . It is important that you know . Errors made include : inappropriate modellingtoo much poor grammar and / or spellingtrying something new ( no preparation , correction or practice ) odd punctuation - full stops in the middle of sentences , commas and stops at the start of linesrun - on sentences ( trying to link sentences with commas ) no clear paragraphswriting too much - 350 words ! - ( and not having time to correct ) using a non - narrative text ( or at least no clear resolution ) As for your tasks : Write yesterdays paragraph on the blue slips of paper . This time , concentrate on correcting the grammar . DON ' T write anything different , new or additionalComplete the worksheet headed ' What would you say if . . . ' Read the article from today 's ODT about adult literacy in NZ Let 's have a topic - related class today . The topic is ' Habits ' - which is what you 'll be talking about during conversation hour . Yesterday I asked you about your on - line English habit . Today we 'll look at all sorts of habits . After some dictation I shall get you to do a brainstorm about that word . That will develop your mental agility - an important thing for using English . I did a search with the terms ' habit and ' ESOL ' and came up with five sites you might take a look at whenever you have a pare moment . The first gives an alternate set of conversation questions . The second is a friendly letter of advice for developing English learning habits . The third is for teachers of absolute beginners of English . The fourth is an interesting looking ESL learning site . The page you arrive at is all about the human body , healthy habits etc . The fifth is an interesting article about lifelong learning . But to get back to what we will be doing . . . I discovered a one - page lesson plan for teachers on the Internet . That is the one I would like to try and work through with you . I have printed you each off a copy . I guess that my habit is using my blog every day to teach my class ! Today students showed the class their favourite English learning sites : Jack likes this listening site . George wishes to work on grammar at this site . It also helps him with word order . Prah likes this site because it has a range of topics and is easy to listen to . Ken has a new site he likes . It is good for IELTS . Safaa did not come to the lab , but she told us that this site with many things is her favourite . Samantha thinks that this site , even though it is not about English , is useful in other ways . William recommends this site . Marc Recommended it to him ( me ) . Where does the time go ? There are only two more weeks to go before the break . I really need to ensure that you are set up for self - study during those three weeks , and also after the end of the year . Consequently , after our dictation warm - up I shall get you in groups . I shall set you this task : share with everyone your experience with your favourite on - line English learning site . You need to tell the others , and you need to hear about each other 's sites . In the computer suite today you may repeat your talk and show all of us where you like to go , and what you like to do . About 5 minutes for each person ought to do it . As soon as I hear back about your assessment results I shall let you know . Any resits will need to take place as soon as possible . Because of that , your next exercise will be another grammar hunt . I shall choose a news story from this useful news site . Finally , if we have time , I shall dip into the blue pencil case for a random conversation skill for us to practise . For the first part of this class I shall have you work on your own . I suggest that you work in pairs , and I suggest that you work with a new partner each time you change activities . This is so that I have a chance to give last - minute advice concerning tomorrow 's assessment . After morning tea we shall check all of today 's work together , and after that I feel that you deserve a delicious Food Festival . We 'll finish ten minutes early so that we get the best seats ! Okay , let 's go ! Here 's your list of activities : Single - words dictationTrue / false questions about the reading you received yesterday Conversation worksheetListen and read for only 5 to 10 minutes to explore a website about brainfoodCorrect the last two paragraphs of the silly story I gave you yesterday The title of this post refers to the narrative I 'm going to give you . It is a story that won 't make much sense , story - wise . But it includes many of the error that you have made ( yesterday I received 8 stories from you to check over ) . It makes sense , though , because it will make you think about how to correct the deliberate mistakes . Adventurous livingDuring the winter three years ago , my husband and I decided to go away . We went on a trip in a river . We enjoying the nature . I saw many boats sailed on the water . There were many penguins we could see them . I thought had a lot of place to relax . I was impressed in NZ . I didn 't want to losting the way . There were a lot of land . There was a crowed of travelers . Please check before hand . We talked about 2 minutes . I also paniced . Fortunatly , three canoeing came . One of lady was staying clam . She rowed my children and helped them to mount on their canoes . We prepared anything for the trip . Just few minutes later , it broke . After one hour wait , they arrived . My luckily , I saw the bridge . That remind me of the way . That morning was not bad , it was my special excursion . Even now , I could still shiver . I had ever planed to vist the Sky Tower once but not now . I drove pass the Auckland University . " try again " I told to myself . At home he was totally different . He used a limited vocabulary . He shouted , " hang on ! " Usually he was angry from my questions , but in this day he was not . He said me everything . When I knew there is a swiming pool , I couldn 't wait . I was shock because there was a big and fat dog . The dog was very hate and I want to smack . I hate dogs so I can not imagine how I could stay with that dog . I was about to cried and a tearful my face . I huged m mum and I said to her , " I love mum in the world . " She soothed a crying me . After few days I listened to his bark . We became Friends . We enjoyed special meals every times I 'm not able to enjoy evey food , because I used to Chinese food during my life . I use to the varity food . Looks like very delicious . Posted by Hi Everyone including Rasmey who isn 't here today . It is easy to write to you everyday . What should we do ? Dictation about breakfast . Safaa asked me about using ' had had ' - so we had a mini - grammar session . I encouraged people to think about getting $ 100 for a food festival . We shall join this Wednesday . The topic for today is Moscow . We heard that Moscow is the world 's costliest city . Now , here are some sites I 've seen recently . One is about reading , one is about ESOL in general , and one is the listening that we discovered in the classroom . Enjoy yourselves , and thanks for listening / watching / following me on the screen ! |
As requested , on our last day we won 't do much writing or grammar ( because we 've done enough of that ! ) . Let 's return to the story about the world 's tallest man . First , we 'll do that second paragraph . I 'll give you the first ten to fifteen minutes to compare your answers with other people 's . After that I shall use some of the activities from the ' breaking news ' website . After the break we shall return to the latest developments in the ' Pumpkin ' story . Last year , I was in Wat Buddha Gothenberg , Sweden , for three months teaching meditation to Thai people and whoever else was interested . It was my first time long journey overseas , so it excited me very much . I had many exciting , fantastic and impressive experiences and one of them was very special . It was the day that I will never forget . It was a nice day in the middle of autumn . The sky was clear and the weather was warm . I had finished meditation about 2 P . M . . Suddenly , I saw someone came into my room . It was unbelievable , but I could see through his body to a cupboard behind ! . He looked like a tall man but his body was transparent . A twinkling fluorescent light spread out from his whole body . He was waring a tight orange shirt with sleeves that were long enough to cover a little below his elbows , and his trousers were tight and just covered a little below his knees . Like a boat floating on the water , he moved softly and slowly in the air about one foot above the floor . He did not come straight ; he just walked in front of me for a short distance and then disappeared ! . Even through it was my first time for me to see what some people may call " a ghost " , I was not scared at all . It might be that he was nice and not awful . When he left , I remembered my merits , the good things I have done , offered them to him and wished him to be happy on his way . I realized that , according to Buddhist knowledge , he was not a ghost or devil , but a kind of after - death being that can be found around the world . Today , on our second last day of term ( what shall we do tomorrow ? ? ? ) the first part of the morning will be taken up by assessment resits . The lucky few that don 't need to will receive a newspaper article that follows the story we read yesterday about a missing three - year - old girl . There are many links in the news : one , two , three , four , five , six . . . After the break we will take a look at the ' Grammar Hammer ' sheet I 've been meaning to share with you for several days . We will choose sentences to make incorrect models of . Here is another story for you to correct . It has many errors . The original version is here . Tallest Man in the World Gets Married The worlds tallest man has marrying a woman who is just two - thirds his height and half his aged in a traditional ceremony in Mongolia . The wedding took place on July 12th in the tomb of the most famous never Mongolian Kublai Khan . The record - breaking 2 . 4 metre high groom Bao Xishun , 56 , is farmer from Mongolia he met his bride Xia Shujian , 28 , earlier these year after searching for a suited woman by sending advertisements around the world . Xia be a petite 1 . 7 metres tall . And comes up to her husbands ' elbow when standing side to side . In the end , he didn 't have to looking so far as his bride are a saleswoman from his own hometown more then 2 , 000 people attended the happy day , including relatives locals and a large crowd of journalists . Bao wore a special designed , traditional pale blue wedding robe under neath a decorative gold vest . He ride to his bride 's relatives in front of a tomb in a wedding cart pulled by two camel . In keeping with Mongolian tradition , the bride 's family tried to " stop " Bao reaching his bride , symbolizing the familie 's last efforts to protect her . Wherever , they soon changed their minds after he pleaded to see and Marry his intended the bride 's family were accepted him and offered tea . Which means he had been accepted in to her family . Bao entered the Guinness Book of World Records las year as the word 's tallest person . He were average heiPosted by In 1991 I got my qualification as a project engineer . This job was a very big challenge . I had been training for six years to do it . My first mission was to conduct a flight test to solve the early buffet problem of a jet trainer . There were ten out of sixty jet trainers which encountered early buffet problems . These ten jet trainers were prototypes . For some unknown reason , they tended to buffet earlier than other normal jet trainers when landing . Buffet is caused by air stream separation . Pilots would feel shaking on the stick when the jet trainer flies in a low speed approaching the runway . No pilot likes this ! The mission was an exciting event for me . It was my first time to handle such a complex problem - to coordinate so many experts , and to conduct a flight test . I felt excited , but at the same time nervous because a test pilot had been killed in a flight test just a month before . I didn 't want such a tragedy happening again in my flight test . Before the flight test , we had designed a small delta wing to install on the leading edge of the wing root of the jet trainer . Many ground tests had been conducted on this new design to verify its safety . There were still risks in real flight . I hecked every detail before the jet trainer took off . When the jet trainer was in the air and began the flight test , everything seemed to go as expected . We all felt excited . We had done it successfully . Finally the jet trainer landed on the runway safely . After the first flight test mission , I conducted many flight test missions during the next six years without losing a pilot or a jet . I am very happy about that . I won 't distract you from our main objective which is to celebrate the coming of spring with our own Language Centre Barbecue . But to keep up honest , this is the work that will occupy us in the morning : A few sentences dictated from this morning 's newspaperThe same story from the paper for you to read and then rewrite in less than 100 wordsCheck the narrative that I published on your behalf yesterday for errors and give them to me on a piece of paperPunctuate the 23 random sentences on the other worksheet , and check your answers by visiting this punctuation site . ( There are many other sites for punctuation practice . I like this one the best , and also this one ) Finally , I shall give you the information sheet that I forgot to give you yesterday . We shall look at it more closely tomorrow ( after the resits ) . A long time ago , I was born in a village . I lived in a small wooden house with my parents and my four brothers . We were poor . I still remember that we didn 't have enough money to buy food and clothes or even a toy . Usually we played games by ourselves including throwing stones . The game was to see who could throw a stone furthest into the forest . We also made kites . Sometimes , we climbed up mountains and swam in the sea . We didn 't have money to buy things , and our parents always taught us we couldn 't steal things from stores . They said we must always pay before leaving . I kept this advice in my mind . One day , when I was walking past the dump , I saw a beautiful doll inside a heap of rubbish . Even though the doll was covered with leftover food and was smelly , she was lovely . I put the doll inside my rubbish bag and hid it under my bed . I was scared because I had taken it from the dump without paying . I had stolen the doll from the dump . A week later , when I came back home after school , I discovered that my doll had disappeared . I saw my mother holding my doll and standing in front of me . I was so scared . I started to cry . I couldn 't stop until my mother used her hand to cover my mouth , and she asked me about the doll . I told her the truth and then my mother told me that the doll was rubbish from someone who threw it away . We didn 't have to pay for it . It wasn 't a piece of rubbish - it was the first doll in my life . My mother didn 't blame me . In fact , she cleaned up my doll and allowed me to sleep with it . After I got the doll from the dump , I discovered that it wasn 't only a dump for rubbish . It was a paradise for me . No matter if it was sunny or rainy , my mother would always be able to find me there . Many years ago , just after our wedding anniversary , my wife and I suddenly decided to go away somewhere for Valentine 's Day . We did not want to stay with crowds of people , so we were really delighted when we saw an advertisement in the Freedom magazine for a holiday flat . It was located in the suburbs of Taichung in the middle of Taiwan . We booked it at once and on Valentine 's Day in the afternoon , we set off in the car . Although it was raining heavily and was cold and windy , we were still happy and excited . This trip took us about three hours , and finally we saw the flat in the distance . It stood in a huge wood between the town and the mountains . The forest reached as far as the mountain tops . We drove into the huge front yard , down a long wide cement road . We went to the door and knocked on it lightly . The door opened slowly . The owner , a small old woman , was wearing dirty working clothes , carrying a broom and dustpan . However , we couldn 't believe our eyes when we saw our room . The bed and the furniture were made of bamboo . They were so old and weak that they made sounds when we used them . Also there was only one power point and the walls were a grey cement colour . It was too dark for us . This flat was really an abandoned farm house , so we decided not to stay there . We ran to the car , and drove to the town to look for a hotel to stay in . We were worried that it would be hard to find . Eventually we found a small hotel beside a church just as midnight was striking . " Happy Valentine 's Day " the manager said and then he gave us a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates . We were so happy and excited that we hugged and laughed . I think " Seeing is Believing " is a good proverb . An advertisement picture is good , but we should not believe it completely . Sometimes it is not true . A few years ago , on a sunny and a beautiful day , I got up early . At 7 : 30 am , I left home with my children to take them to the university . I dropped them off and after that I went shopping at the supermarket . I spent about one hour , and then I went back home . While I was driving on Larnach road , I suddenly heard a bang and felt frightened and devastated . Something terrible had happened . I realised that I had been hit by a car ! I stopped the engine , got out and looked at the left side of the car . I found the door was damaged due to the carelessness of the young female driver . I asked her to ring the police , but she woudn 't . She told me that she given me all the information about her car and her insurance company . I was worried , so I stopped a driver and asked him what I should do about this accident and then he told me that her information was enough . When my son came back home , I explained to him what had happened and then he phoned her and got more details from the young woman . The next day , I made a claim to my insurance company . After two days , the company rang me to tell me to send my car to the panelbeating shop to be repaired . I did that and the shop arranged a temporary car for me . Finally , I received my car as good as new . It took about three weeks until it was sorted out . I was very happy because I am used to driving my own car . When young drivers are careless , it can cause problems . Many years ago , I went to a holiday park in the south of Taiwan with some of my best friends . The park was beautiful , green and calm . There was a lot of grassland , a large forest , a vast clear lake and some holiday houses . We stayed there for many days and just enjoyed the nature and the magnificent scenery . On the third day of our holiday , we went on a boating trip on a long and winding river . The river was deep and the current was strong . We were very excited and also nervous because we had never had any experience of this , and we couldn 't control the boat . We just floated along , and the boat circled around on the water . Suddenly we ran into a current , and the boat was quickly dashed against a rock . At the time , I didn 't grip the rope well and fell into the water before anyone could reach me . I was terrified and frightened ; I couldn 't catch up with the boat and was quickly swept away . Unfortunately I went into a whirlpool , and even though I was making a good effort to escape , I couldn 't swim out . I was tired and I thought I couldn 't survive much longer in the water , but luckily I got hold of a rock and clung desperately to it . About twenty minutes later , the guide with an assistant rowed in a boat close to the rock . They threw a rope and shouted to me , " Hang on . We 'll get you out ! " I tried to catch the rope many times , but it was still too far from me . Finally the guide dove into the water and brought it to me . Then I was soon taken to the riverbank . When I recall the matter , even now I still appreciate the guide . I believe that it was the most exciting holiday of my life . Eight years ago , our family was still living in Cambridge , we had a couple of really good friends called Paul and Sally . They were generous and hospitable , and they really loved to go jet boating . One weekend , they invited us to go boating with thom on the Waikato River , and we decide to accept their invitation . That morning , we got up early and met them at their place . We spent thirty minutes getting to theriver . After Paul put the boat in the water , he showed us how to put on the lifejackets , and then he patiently explained the safety rules to us . If the boat went fast , we would have to hold on tight . Then we were off . We were ready to face the big challenge . The view of the riverbank was incredible . The ride of thrills , fun and excitement took us along a beautiful river environment , lined with native bush and sheer rock cliffs . Then the engines roared and we were pushed black into our seats . We sped down the river with the wind whipping our hair and water spraying all around us . Paul span the wheel and made the boat spin 360 degrees . My stomach was churning and I was laughing so much . I heard the other people yell . Back down the river we hurtled . We sped around a corner and headed straight toward a bank . I closed my eyes . Suddenly , the engine started steaming and making strange noises and then stopped right in the middle of the river . All of us were frightened and worried . I was anxious that we would be stranded for some hours . Fortunately after twenty minutes , Paul got the boat up and running again . Finally , we headed back to shore safely . We were all wet and exhausted . When we got on the bank and stood on the earth again , we had acheived the most exciting and wildest ride that we had ever had , and also we felt very happy . It was a nice day which we have never forgotten . We had never go to try anything new , since the year we moved to New Zealand , so this memory stands out . A long time ago , when I was eleven , I had the best birthday in my life ; that 's why I still remember the party . I was very happy and so excited because all of my classmates had come . Before my birthday my dad bought a big birthday cake . I was very happy . " WOW ! It looks very delicious and fantastic ! " I shouted with joy . But then our dog jumped on the cake ! The cake got out of shape . I cried and tears rolled down my face . The dog was very bad . I want to smack it . My mum said , " Don 't cry ! I 'll make a beautiful birthday rice cake . " She soothed me , to stop me crying . Next day my mum made a birthday rainbow rice cake with eleven candles on it , and she also prepared a lot of food . My two brothers decorated our house with all kinds of coloured balloons , and they decorated my room with flowers and pictures , just like a house in a fairy tale . That day I received many presents from my friends and they all joined in singing happy birthday . After the party we played games for three hours . My eleventh birthday party had the largest number of my friends attending . After the birthday party , I hugged my mum and I said to her , " I love you mum . You are the best mum in the world . " My mum also hugged me tight . That night I dreamed of my birthday party . Sometimes I am absorbed in memories of my childhood , and I want to return to my childhood when I see black and white photographs . The memory of my eleventh birthday party still remains as an exciting event . I first came to New Zealand in April , 2007 . Everywhere was clean , not crowded and there were a lot of places to relax , so I was very impressed . Even though New Zealand is peaceful , I have sometimes had some adventures . One day , I had to visit my relatives in Orewa . I had never been there before . I set out at seven o ' clock from Greenlane Road in Auckland and drove along the motorway . Carefully I checked signs because I didn 't want to waste any time losing my way . Five minutes later , my aunt called me on my mobile , asking where I was . We talked for about two minutes , and then I saw two signs that I couldn 't tell apart . The first was " Nelson " and the other was " Newton " . I chose " Nelson " . After that everything became like a whirlpool . I lost my way and drove for an hour around and around the city centre . I tried to find the right way , but I reached the Sky Tower instead . I had planned to visit here once , but not now . I kept driving past Auckland University and stopped my car to ask someone , but he answered too quickly for me , so I didn 't understand him . " Try again , " I told myself . I drove along the road and saw a lot of boats sailing on the sea . When I was in Thailand , my friend told me that Auckland is the city of sails . When I saw them , I knew what she meant . Fortunately , I saw the Auckland Harbour Bridge . That reminded me of the way to Orewa . Then I could find the sign to cross the bridge and reach my destination even though it was very late . However , that morning was not so bad . It was an excursion that I have never forgotten . When I was a student I had a nice and exciting time . We were studying " Human Anatomy " , so this department was on the second floor of the high building . When students were having a break we stood at the class room . In the class were many body 's on the table . One student just for fun made some joke , when we were breaking ; he dropped a human 's hand from the window on to somebody 's car . After lunch when we were studying in the class room , somebody knocked on the door , we saw a policeman . He started investigate the incident . The drive of the car returned home for lunch , he opened the boot of the car and saw a hand . He had a poor heart condition of course he felt a terribly stressed . His wife called the police . All the students were shocked and afraid by policeman 's visit . I thought " Oh dear ! We are going to have a big problem ! " After class we had to write explaining this incident . I felt nervous and stressed , because every day the policeman came and asked over and over again what happened that day . I thought it would never end . On the other hand it was a good experience for everybody , because we never did anything like this again . It was many years ago , but I still remember everything which happened in my student life . I had an unforgettable and exciting time . Two years ago , my children and I went to Rarotonga which is a beautiful small Island . It took four hours to get there from Christchurch . We arrived there early in the morning . We were very excited . It was really warm and everything was completely different . As we went into the airport an old man was singing a song and playing a traditional instrument . A big Pacjfic woman brought a beautiful garland of flowers and put it around my neck . We stayed at a gorgeous resortt . Werented a car and drove around the Island which only thirty minetes . Eveyday we enjoyed many kinds of activities such as canoeing , snorkeling , crab racing , dancing and coconut tree climbing . One day we went canoeing with some people , we decided to paddle to one spot which didn 't seem dangerous . When we got there my children jumped into the water and tried to swim . They realized the water was very deep and started to panic . They tried to get out of the water but couldn 't because of the strong current . I also panicked and shouted loudly . I couldn 't do anything because if I jumped into thewater it would cause more confusion . Fortunately , three canoes came . One of the ladies stayed cal , and told me not to panic . Then she rowed to my children and helped them to get into their canoes . After my children were safe , we went back to the resort . We decided to keep our of trouble so we stayed in our room until the final day . Although we had had a bad experience we had a good time there . Many years ago my son Alex was three years old . He was a very active child , full of energy , and he would run during our walks outside , but when he was at home he was totally different . Alex was quiet and calm and he spent most of the time playing with his favourite toys - cars and balls . At this age , Alex didn 't speak too much . He had a limited vocabulary . One day he was playing with a small ball in his room . At that moment I was cooking a meal in the kitchen and I tried to look in at him from time to time . Suddenly I heard him shout and I quickly went to the room . I found him crying and repeating ' the ball , the ball ' . " Where is it ? " He showed me his mouth . I decided that he had probably swallowed the ball . I asked him , " Did you swallow it ? " . He nodded his head and it seemed like he meant , ' yes ' . " Are you suffocating ? " I asked , because he started to gasp . Immediately I remember the advice of Dr Spock , a very famous and popular American pediatrician . I jumped up and put Alex in front of me and I started to press his chest . After a few minutes he cried with joy , " Ah . . . my ball " and pointed to the floor . Only then I realized that it had been a misunderstanding . Alex had never swallowed the ball . He had only tried to show me what would happen , if he did . I started to cry and laugh happily at the same time . It was my first attempt at giving someone first aid and I will remember it all of my life . One day , when I was 8 years old , my dad said to me , " I have good news for you we are going to spend the holiday in a lovely house near the beach . " My sisters and I were happy when we heard that , because we love the sea , sun , sand , and fresh air . I used to ask my dad many questions , so my dad looked at me and said , ' I will tell you where the house is and how many bedrooms are there . Sometimes my dad was angry with my questions , but this day he was not . With a big smile he told me everything about the house and he answered all my questions . I could not wait to see it when I knew there was a swimming pool . However , when our car stopped at the house I was shocked , because I saw a big dog standing in front of it , so I cried and I said to my parents , " Oh , what is that ? " My dad said the dog belonged to the owner and he was supposed to stay outside in the backyard . I hated dogs , so I could not imagine how I could stay in the house with it . Therefore I refused to spend the holiday at the house with that dog and I said to my parents that I was going back to the car , but my dad said , " He will not hurt you . He is chained up you . You do not have to go near him . " I went into the house and I tried to enjoy playing with my sisters . After a few days I got used to listening to his barking and sometimes I looked out of my bedroom window at him . I even , tried to give him some food . By the end of the holiday we had became friends and I did not hate dogs any more . Good morning , and welcome to the start of the last week of term . I shall tell you the results of the narrative writing assessment that you did in morning class recently . Seven of you passed on the first trial , and I hope that the rest of you will do so this week . I am suggesting Wednesday for that . After I inform you of the results , I would like the 7 of you that achieved to work elsewhere from 9 until 10 . 30 . Your job is to find a computer and to email me at williaml @ tekotago . ac . nz your stories . Write them as a word document please , and attach them . Everyone will have a few errors to correct , irrespective of whether you passed . In class I shall work with the rest of you to help you correct your own work . I will not do it for you , but you may submit your work as often as you like . After the break please meet me in the computer suite . I want to upload your narratives onto this site . If you wish your story to be anonymous then that is okay . However , all of your stories are worth reading , and I think it would be a good idea to ' publish ' them in this fashion . Finally , here is an excellent site for you to continue improving your writing . Hi everyoneThe Internet was down up until about 30 minutes before class , so this is a rush job ! I dug out a couple of worksheets from 2005 - were you in my class then ? Maybe George and Carol and one or two others were ) . Anyway , this is what we 'll do : I 've printed you off a sheet with an article on each side . One of them is a bottom - up activity , where you inset the missing words . The words I chose are small ones , ones which are often overlooked in English class . On the other side is an article about glaciers . The dictation I will give you comes from that . I want you to see if the phrases I give you exist in the article . I 'm talking about meaning here - not the exact words . After that I did a quick search for " Glaciers warming ESL " . I found an idea for quick discussions , writings etc . We shall run with those . I found a 2 - min documentary that we can try to see , and if you are interested there are many resources listed at this site . ( There 's a bit French here , but don 't let that put you off . ) Today from 9 . 30 until 10 . 30 you shall be working on your own ( or in pairs ) . At that time I need to do some assessment moderation - yours ! You will have three things to do during this time , and I shall follow those tasks up between 11 and 12 . First , your narrative texts . Just to let you prepare , about half of you have achieved this the first time . The other half will need to do a resit as soon as possible - probably next Monday . I shall go over the main reasons for people not achieving their assessments during the first half hour . It is important that you know . Errors made include : inappropriate modellingtoo much poor grammar and / or spellingtrying something new ( no preparation , correction or practice ) odd punctuation - full stops in the middle of sentences , commas and stops at the start of linesrun - on sentences ( trying to link sentences with commas ) no clear paragraphswriting too much - 350 words ! - ( and not having time to correct ) using a non - narrative text ( or at least no clear resolution ) As for your tasks : Write yesterdays paragraph on the blue slips of paper . This time , concentrate on correcting the grammar . DON ' T write anything different , new or additionalComplete the worksheet headed ' What would you say if . . . ' Read the article from today 's ODT about adult literacy in NZ Let 's have a topic - related class today . The topic is ' Habits ' - which is what you 'll be talking about during conversation hour . Yesterday I asked you about your on - line English habit . Today we 'll look at all sorts of habits . After some dictation I shall get you to do a brainstorm about that word . That will develop your mental agility - an important thing for using English . I did a search with the terms ' habit and ' ESOL ' and came up with five sites you might take a look at whenever you have a pare moment . The first gives an alternate set of conversation questions . The second is a friendly letter of advice for developing English learning habits . The third is for teachers of absolute beginners of English . The fourth is an interesting looking ESL learning site . The page you arrive at is all about the human body , healthy habits etc . The fifth is an interesting article about lifelong learning . But to get back to what we will be doing . . . I discovered a one - page lesson plan for teachers on the Internet . That is the one I would like to try and work through with you . I have printed you each off a copy . I guess that my habit is using my blog every day to teach my class ! Today students showed the class their favourite English learning sites : Jack likes this listening site . George wishes to work on grammar at this site . It also helps him with word order . Prah likes this site because it has a range of topics and is easy to listen to . Ken has a new site he likes . It is good for IELTS . Safaa did not come to the lab , but she told us that this site with many things is her favourite . Samantha thinks that this site , even though it is not about English , is useful in other ways . William recommends this site . Marc Recommended it to him ( me ) . Where does the time go ? There are only two more weeks to go before the break . I really need to ensure that you are set up for self - study during those three weeks , and also after the end of the year . Consequently , after our dictation warm - up I shall get you in groups . I shall set you this task : share with everyone your experience with your favourite on - line English learning site . You need to tell the others , and you need to hear about each other 's sites . In the computer suite today you may repeat your talk and show all of us where you like to go , and what you like to do . About 5 minutes for each person ought to do it . As soon as I hear back about your assessment results I shall let you know . Any resits will need to take place as soon as possible . Because of that , your next exercise will be another grammar hunt . I shall choose a news story from this useful news site . Finally , if we have time , I shall dip into the blue pencil case for a random conversation skill for us to practise . For the first part of this class I shall have you work on your own . I suggest that you work in pairs , and I suggest that you work with a new partner each time you change activities . This is so that I have a chance to give last - minute advice concerning tomorrow 's assessment . After morning tea we shall check all of today 's work together , and after that I feel that you deserve a delicious Food Festival . We 'll finish ten minutes early so that we get the best seats ! Okay , let 's go ! Here 's your list of activities : Single - words dictationTrue / false questions about the reading you received yesterday Conversation worksheetListen and read for only 5 to 10 minutes to explore a website about brainfoodCorrect the last two paragraphs of the silly story I gave you yesterday The title of this post refers to the narrative I 'm going to give you . It is a story that won 't make much sense , story - wise . But it includes many of the error that you have made ( yesterday I received 8 stories from you to check over ) . It makes sense , though , because it will make you think about how to correct the deliberate mistakes . Adventurous livingDuring the winter three years ago , my husband and I decided to go away . We went on a trip in a river . We enjoying the nature . I saw many boats sailed on the water . There were many penguins we could see them . I thought had a lot of place to relax . I was impressed in NZ . I didn 't want to losting the way . There were a lot of land . There was a crowed of travelers . Please check before hand . We talked about 2 minutes . I also paniced . Fortunatly , three canoeing came . One of lady was staying clam . She rowed my children and helped them to mount on their canoes . We prepared anything for the trip . Just few minutes later , it broke . After one hour wait , they arrived . My luckily , I saw the bridge . That remind me of the way . That morning was not bad , it was my special excursion . Even now , I could still shiver . I had ever planed to vist the Sky Tower once but not now . I drove pass the Auckland University . " try again " I told to myself . At home he was totally different . He used a limited vocabulary . He shouted , " hang on ! " Usually he was angry from my questions , but in this day he was not . He said me everything . When I knew there is a swiming pool , I couldn 't wait . I was shock because there was a big and fat dog . The dog was very hate and I want to smack . I hate dogs so I can not imagine how I could stay with that dog . I was about to cried and a tearful my face . I huged m mum and I said to her , " I love mum in the world . " She soothed a crying me . After few days I listened to his bark . We became Friends . We enjoyed special meals every times I 'm not able to enjoy evey food , because I used to Chinese food during my life . I use to the varity food . Looks like very delicious . Posted by Hi Everyone including Rasmey who isn 't here today . It is easy to write to you everyday . What should we do ? Dictation about breakfast . Safaa asked me about using ' had had ' - so we had a mini - grammar session . I encouraged people to think about getting $ 100 for a food festival . We shall join this Wednesday . The topic for today is Moscow . We heard that Moscow is the world 's costliest city . Now , here are some sites I 've seen recently . One is about reading , one is about ESOL in general , and one is the listening that we discovered in the classroom . Enjoy yourselves , and thanks for listening / watching / following me on the screen ! |
I 'm looking for a roommate who isn 't afraid of roughing it and having some adventure ! You will get back to nature by having to venture outside to use the bathroom , regardless of the temperature . Oh , and forgetting the warm toilet seat hanging over the stove when you go to the outhouse in the middle of winter should be the definition of adventure in the dictionary ! You will make faces and sounds you never knew were possible , but don 't worry , there won 't be anyone to see or hear you except the birds ! ( I won 't be able to hear you because the outhouse is quite a walk from the cabin . Privacy at its best right there ! ) You 'll also become a lean , mean , healthy machine ! The quarter - mile walk from where you can park up to the cabin will ensure that you 're getting plenty of cardio ! It 's like a double bonus when you forget something small in the car and have to go back for it too ! You can walk almost a whole mile before you get to the cabin if you manage to just leave one important thing in your car ! Not only that , but you 'll be expected to carry a forty pound jug of water up the long , snowy hill to the cabin at least a couple of times per week , so your arms will be big around as tree trunks ! And speaking of tree trunks , you can really commune with nature by helping to cut down trees for our firewood ! Hippies rejoice ! You will literally be hugging trees every single day of the year ! You 'll help carrying the logs down to the cabin , get to gently caress them as you set them up for me to split with a huge metal maul , and then get to stack them in the most efficient and fast way possible . You can then round out the beautiful circle of life when you bring the firewood in to burn in the woodstove ! Give your woodland buddies a little smooch before confining them to a slow , smoky , and brutal death ! And that 's only the beginning of the benefits ! Buy some books and get a library card because you will be the braniac your mom always knew you could be ! With no TV , movies , or internet , your brain will get to be as sharp as the chain on the chainsaw . You can read about taking care of chickens or which type of lettuce will grow best in the garden or try to identify which type of snake just slithered in through the unscreened and open front door and other exciting things ! Gone will be the days of lying around on the couch rotting your brain on the boob tube . You 'll be so starved for amusement that you won 't even be able to blink when there is a TV on near you due to the complete lack of visual stimulus that a completely unbroken white landscape provides . As mentioned above , you 'll have complete and total privacy in the outhouse . But living in the middle of the woods at the very end of a dead end road with a quarter mile of trees and hills separating you from the closest motor vehicle also provides a ton of solitude ! It 's so liberating being able to walk around naked inside the cabin with no fear of anyone just walking by and seeing your birthday suit ! Of course , since we 'll be roommates , we may have to figure out a birthday suit schedule . The hours allotted to nakedness will depend on your facial hair and gender . I 'll expect you to also do half of the household chores . These won 't occupy more than fifteen or twenty hours a week , and really aren 't so bad . You 'll have to help with the dishes , and as we have to carry water in to wash dishes , you will be tasked with making sure that you have enough water to actually wash the dishes . Allowing my dog to simply lick the plates clean can only be done at my discretion . Oh , and there is no indoor plumbing at all , so when washing the dishes , you will have to keep an eye on the bucket under the sink that catches all the water and waste from brushing our teeth and dishes and cooking . When the bucket is full , just take it out and dump it on the compost pile , not so bad , right ? ! But since you 're at the compost pile , go ahead and spend five or ten minutes stirring it . There 's also carrying in firewood every single morning and night , and even sometimes in the middle of the night . It 's a rare treat to see how clear the skies and how bright the stars are on a crystal clear , moonless winter night ! You 'll forget all about the bone crushing temperatures that would kill you in less than a half hour if you were to fall on the ice and knock yourself out ! Plus , you 'll get to know the cute girl at the hardware store because you 'll be there every week getting batteries for your headlamp . In fact , you can probably get to know her well enough to ask her out ! Of course , convincing a member of the opposite sex to travel two miles down a dirt road to walk a quarter mile into the woods with you might be a tough sell . But hey , weirder things have happened ! I 'm not going to lie to you , it 's not all glory and sunshine and fun little jaunts to the outhouse . There are a few downsides , too . The cabin only has single - pane windows and no insulation . But , this just means that you 'll get to snuggle up tight in your favorite sleeping bag with a rating of twenty below zero ! There is also no way for any sort of professional or volunteer help to get here . That means that the cops , volunteer fire department , or ambulance will be around to help if you cut your leg with chainsaw or fall off the roof cleaning the chimney or break your ankle walking to the woodshed . But you will become far more self - sufficient and your tolerance for pain will get to be much better ! Now that I think about it , it is all glory and sunshine ! Give me a call to schedule a meeting , I pinky swear I 'm not a serial killer . Posted on April 1 , 2014 by JALevine Reply The sun is shining later and later each day , and some of the snow is melting and dripping off of the roof in front of the big window . It 's officially been spring for almost a week now , but don 't bother telling Mother Nature that . The forecasted thirteen degrees below zero tonight isn 't as bad as the negative twenty - three we got a couple of nights ago , so I guess , in a way we are getting more spring - like temperatures . But again , temperatures in the negative teens aren 't that spring - like to me . I 've been back at the cabin full time , and having a few weeks off from living out here was definitely nice . After three winters having to haul in water and use an outhouse no matter the temperature , the shine of living off grid has worn off . I still enjoy many , many aspects of it , but this winter has definitely been a mood killer for me . I was able to tap a few of the maple trees the other day and start collecting sap , but it 's been slow going with the cold returning . And the hike up the driveway isn 't any easier than it was in February . Last night I was driving home just after dark and spotted a flash of white on the side of the road up ahead . Yes , I know that everything is covered in snow that there are " flashes of white " literally everywhere , but this small patch was moving quickly . My initial thought was that it was deer hopping the snow bank to head into the woods . But with the more than two feet of snow on the ground at my cabin , deer tracks are something I haven 't seen in quite a few months . I instinctively tapped the breaks and looked for another deer . Usually when there 's one , there 's more , and hitting a deer and wrecking my car at this point would probably make me throw up my hands and move back to Florida . I looked up and saw a spread of wings in front of me , and realized that it wasn 't a deer but the tail end of a rather large owl taking off that I had caught a glimpse of . I wondered why the owl had been on the snow bank so I stopped to have a look . I had obviously interrupted a kill in progress , and after snapping a few photos , I moved on . I didn 't want to keep the owl from his fresh meal . Plus , after this rough winter , I kind of feel like all of us up here are in it together . Even the animals . Posted on March 18 , 2014 by JALevine 2 I 'd like to tell you that it 's been a long couple of weeks out at the cabin . That , however , would not be the truth . The truth is , it 's been a couple of very lazy weeks lounging around in the comfort of an actual house . The weather has been terrible and I was having to hike into the cabin and my firewood is running low and I was sick of dragging a forty pound jug of water a quarter mile uphill twice a week . So I 've been staying at my girlfriends with Pico and Herbie . And the Levine men have officially taken over the couch . I 'm still formally living at the cabin , but it has been a nice break . After three winters , I needed some time away from the work and cold and frustration of a house with no indoor plumbing . The chickens are still out there , and are doing well . As the days get longer , the nights haven 't been as cold , and they are doing fine . I go out to the cabin pretty much every day , so even though I was still having to do the hike in , at least I wasn 't having to haul my laundry and bags of dog food and cat litter up that hill . But speaking of hills , a friend invited me to climb a couple of High Peaks this past weekend . I needed to get out of the house and just said yes when he texted me . I didn 't realize that it was going to be a twenty four mile ski / snowshoe / hike . But we headed out at about six am on Saturday to climb Cliff and Redfield mountains . Twelve hours and forty - five minutes later , we struggled out of the woods and back to my car . I drove to my girlfriend 's and stumbled in the door . I literally could not move a muscle without moaning in pain , but I made it through the night without dying . The next morning , as I painfully and stiffly made my way across the living room , she convinced me that best way to beat the soreness was to go for a walk or hike . Now , keep in mind , she was not volunteering to go with me , just basically telling me to get out . I think my moaning may have been worse than I thought . I decided to head out to the cabin to feed the chickens and make sure they still had water , and very gingerly hopped in my car . It 's about a twenty minute ride to the cabin , and every second of the way I was annoyed about the upcoming hike up the driveway . I could barely walk on the flat , warm floor of the house , how was I possibly going to make it up the driveway . As I got nearer to the cabin , I noticed that my neighbors were at their camp down the road . I figured I 'd take care of the girls and then head over to say high . But as I neared the end of the road by my driveway , I was taken by the most magical sight I could behold at that moment : My driveway was plowed . I cracked a huge grin and smiled the whole way up the driveway . I knew that my neighbor had come down and plowed with his tractor , and I was so happy I actually whooped with joy . The thought of having a clear driveway again after two months was too much to handle . I hugged the chickens and rubbed Pico 's belly until he got sick of it and ran down the driveway . I took care of everything at the cabin and went down the road to say thanks to the neighbors . I gave him a hug and promised to drop off a few gallons of diesel fuel in payment . This one kind act changed my whole outlook on the last month or so of the winter . It seemed as if so many problems had been solved by this one incredibly kind gesture . My mood was lifted and my spirit sunny . The neighbor s told me they were happy to help , but that they wouldn 't be back for a few weeks . All of those warm feelings stayed with me until I got back and checked the weather forecast . Twenty inches of snow predicted . It 's amazing how fast the wind got sucked out of my sails . Not that it 's all bad . I know that the snow is here for a limited time , but it was so nice driving into the cabin a couple of times . I can 't thank my neighbors enough for plowing , even if the openness only last for a few days . I bought the pack to use on search and rescue missions for Search and Rescue of the Northern Adirondacks , however I used it on several hikes and cross - country ski trips before being called out on my first search . I use the NASAR pack contents as a guide for what I should carry . I added some more stuff than they recommend , but also eliminated a few things . I see no need to carry a tracking stick when I have no idea how to use it effectively , but a folding saw can come in handy when you 're in a thick alder swamp with only a couple of feet of visibility . The pack had some extra room in it even with all the stuff I carry . I use a couple of water bottles instead of a bladder , so with a bladder there would be enough room in this pack for a summer overnight . While out skiing with the pack the first time , I was satisfied with the way the hip belt carries the load . I did not have to deal with the pack shifting a lot , even over several layers of clothes . I found that the small mesh pockets on each shoulder strap are very convenient for holding an energy packet or something else small . I didn 't want to put a knife in there as the pockets are open at the top , but securely stored my multi - tool in the zippered pocket on the hip belt . It 's easy to get to and in no danger of falling out . I stash a compass in the other hip belt pocket , but they are large enough for a small digital camera as well . My favorite design feature of the Talon 33 is the number of pockets , with very little on the outside of the pack to get hung up on brush . After two days searching through alder swamps , off - trail through old growth and across rock ledges , the pack never got hung up once on any brush or rocks . I was able to move through the brush easier because of the streamlined design of the pack . However , there are actually nine pockets in addition to the main compartment and the beaver tail . Two water bottle pockets on either side , one on each shoulder strap and hip belt , two on top of the hood , and a zippered mesh pocket on the inside of the hood . Small things are very easy to access while still being secure . I put my personal identification , keys , and phone in a baggie and put them in the zippered mesh pocket . I kept a notebook and maps in the top pocket , rain cover on the side , and crampons and gaiters in the beavertail . I had no issue with a lack of storage with this pack . The downsides are few in my opinion . The shoulder straps are comfortable , light , and airy , but a little flimsy . I can 't help but look at the padding through the mesh and wonder when it will start to rip . The back also isn 't quite stiff enough . I always carry a small foam pad to sit on , and it helped stiffen up the back a little bit . The location of the water bladder is in the usual spot against your back , so using a bladder will probably cause the typical back bulge and make it less comfortable . Posted on February 25 , 2014 by JALevine 1 The wild winter weather has continued . Tonight it 's so warm that even several hours after the sun went down , there is still a steady drip - drip - drip coming off the roof . In the forties tomorrow , the season just can 't seem to make up its mind . That 's not to say that it has been an easy winter . And to me , there has been a recurring theme out here at that cabin that demonstrates this better than anything else . I have had a steady supply of small rodents around the house looking for food . When I moved into the cabin a few years ago , Amy not so light heartily called it the " Mouse House . " Since then , it has been cleaned up significantly . With Ed and Herbie running nightly patrols , the mice moved out and other than a very occasional rustling in the walls , I have not had to deal with any other rodents inside the cabin . That is not to say that there is a lack of small rodents at the cabin . Red squirrels used to attack the bird feeders on a regular basis and there is a family of mice living in the outhouse . There are certainly plenty of places for them to hole up for the winter out here . Unfortunately , they seem to have decided to try and spend nights in a couple of buckets I have . This has resulted in me finding more dead rodents in the last month than I 've seen in well over two years . The first one was a mole that for some reason climbed into the open bucket in the outhouse that holds the lime . The lime is the off - grid version of a vanilla candle , and is essential to using the facilities . I was not surprised to find the little bugger frozen solid in a bucket that offered no food or shelter even though I had no idea why it went in there . I buried him … Unceremoniously . I use a combination of store - bought chicken feed and winter wheat , and when I was making a mix of the two , I had a small amount of the wheat left over . This is a bucket that I can understand the rodents trying to get into at least . It was frozen solid , and since there was only a little wheat left in it I just tossed the vole and wheat into the woods . Hopefully something eats him before he thaws and smells and Pico eats him . As I laid the bucket down out front , the mouse scampered off . It went a few yards down the trail towards the chicken coop , and then stopped . I went inside to get the camera , and when I came out again , it was making a big loop over the snow back towards the woods . I watched it run and leave a neat little trail across the snow . I got cold and went inside , knowing that I wouldn 't get a good shot of the mouse now . Later , as I made my way to the outhouse , I noticed that the mouse tracks went right under the shed . I took a little solace in the fact that it 'll be around for the rest of the winter . I like having the wildlife around , even if it does require me to perform funerals on occasion . Posted on February 18 , 2014 by JALevine Reply Winter is really upon us now , finally with some snow to go along with the bone and soul crushing cold . It 's a mixed bag for me , us getting a bunch of snow . With snow comes a lot of hardship , and also some benefits too . However , I may think the cabin is more comfortable simply because I now have a third of a mile to hike up to it . Not being able to drive right to the cabin raises a whole host of issues . I can 't use the car as a generator to watch TV and keep the chickens warm . I can 't warm up the car before I leave when it 's thirty below outside . If I forget something in the car , it 's getting frozen and staying there overnight most likely . But it is nice to be able to just step outside and go skiing . Pico 's getting more exercise since I can actually enjoy the outdoors . When it 's not thirty below . And I like the way everything looks , and how the snow helps reflect the light of the late afternoon sun . One thing that I have been keenly noticing , is the gain in daylight . Even with the electric lights , it is still difficult to maintain a somewhat normal schedule due to the lack of sunlight . But we 're up to almost eleven hours a day , and I have been literally basking in the added light . Not outside of course , but while lying on the couch . So all in all , I guess I don 't mind the snow . It 's the middle of February and won 't be here long . I missed a lot of the winter not being able to ski or snowshoe , but I 'm also looking forward to not having to drag my clean laundry up the driveway in a sled . Posted on February 4 , 2014 by JALevine 1 It 's been a couple of weeks packed with transition for all of us out here at the cabin . The chickens are out of the tent , Ed is buried and Herbie is acting like he never has before . We 're all making adjustments and getting on with life , even though the bone - chilling temperatures haven 't always made it that easy . The chickens are getting better about laying eggs again after their days in the tent . It took a few days but Whitey finally started laying again and Blondie has dropped a couple of eggs too . Brownie never really stopped . Two days after Ed died , I decided that I needed to bury him . It had been a long weekend , with Ed passing , then me being occupied in a weekend long task . But that Sunday night I made the effort to bury Ed . I decided on putting him the lower field , in full view of my cabin . When he was out and about in the summer , he spent a lot of time in the lower field chasing butterflies and bugs . That 's where the blueberries are , and where I had found the old horseshoe pit . It seemed as good a place as any , and since I was going to have to do some heavy digging , I figured it was better if his grave wasn 't located too far from the cabin . Even though the sun was down and I was exhausted from hiking all day , I grabbed the spade shovel and post - hole diggers and set out . There 's a large cherry tree in the middle of the lower field and I decided to put him under that . I should have grabbed the hatchet to work on roots , but needless to say , my mind was a little distracted . I scraped the snow off down to the ground and made a big push with the shovel . To my pleasant surprise , the ground was not frozen . Turns out a full day of rain and forty degree temps made for some easy digging . I also somehow miraculously managed to not hit any major roots of the tree . It was easy going physically , tough going mentally . After digging down a few feet , I walked back to the cabin and got Ed . He was in a cardboard box , and I wanted to make sure the hole was deep enough . The very last thing in the world I wanted to do was have to re - bury him after finding his body dug up by some scavenger . The hole was deep enough , and I filled it back in with the loosed soil and some stones . I decided to add a large rock to the top of the grave to help deter wild animals . I knew that a small boulder about two feet across was loose and just sitting on top of the ground about twenty feet away . I had checked this boulder during the summer , thinking I was going to move it to put the chicken coop there , so I knew it would move . It may have been easy to move initially , but once it was out of its little hole , it was much harder to move . It wouldn 't role across the snow , instead sliding a few inches at a time , even when I pried on it with the five foot rock bar . Honestly , it took me longer to move the rock than it did to dig the hole . All the while I was crying , not making this task any easier . I finally got the rock into position , and felt a little better . I stood there until my hands were numb and went back inside . I had noticed Herbie walking around and looking over his shoulder a lot , probably looking for Ed , and didn 't want to leave him alone for too long . I climbed into bed a little while later and Herbie came right up to my face for some petting . He curled up next to my head for a few minutes , and then made his way under the sheets to snuggle . This was the first time in a decade that Herbie had done this . I guess he figured we could hang together and maybe it would be a little easier on both of us . Or maybe he was just basking in the extra attention he was getting . Pico , however , hasn 't seemed to notice . He 's got me to jump and chew on , and I think he 'll be happy as long as that is an entertainment option for him . I still miss Ed , but after a couple of weeks it has gotten easier . I find myself looking out at the boulder and stones marking Ed 's grave , and miss him greatly , but between the chickens , Herbie , and Pico , I have plenty of other animals to keep me busy . Posted on January 28 , 2014 by JALevine Reply I can freely admit that I am not an expert in basically anything , but let me give you some advice : Don 't share your four - hundred square foot anything with a dog , a cat , three hens , and a rooster . Now , nothing against the chickens , but they are noisy . And stinky . And no matter what , the rooster will crow whenever he feels like it , regardless of your sleep schedule . With temperatures predicted to be about thirty below zero without the wind chill , I decided that the time had come to let the chickens have a nice warm night inside . Now , keep in mind that the chickens had not ever been inside my cabin . Nor had Pico ever been separated from them by nothing more than a blanket . Needless to say , I did not get much sleep last night . For instance , did you know that roosters crow all the time , not just in the morning ? I did , but I did not realize how often Midget would crow . I did not realize that every time he crowed , Pico would answer with a round of barking . I also did not realize the scope or variety of odd , obnoxious , and just plain weird sounds that the chickens would make when they spend the night just a few feet from my bed . It has been an absurdly cold winter , and even though the chickens had made it this far with nothing more than a little frostbite , thirty below turned out to be the line I drew in the sand . I spent a few hours yesterday afternoon trying to decide the best way to house them inside my cabin . Not having a dog cage or anything of the sort , I had to improvise . I grabbed the large black sled I use for hauling firewood and brought it inside . I commandeered an old blanket and draped it from the sink down to the sled to create a chicken tent inside my cabin . Then I spent the better part of half an hour rounding up and corralling the chickens so I could catch them . Midget and Brownie were easy , and even though Blondie tried to hide , she was still relatively easy to get a hold of . Whitey , on the other hand , is sketchy . I mean seriously sketchy . She reminds me of one of those movie characters who thinks the government is on to them , and goes to extreme lengths to avoid being caught . Except in this case , I actually was trying to catch her . I managed to get my numb hands on her after quite a while of trying . She was not happy about it , but when I deposited her in the chicken tent she seemed to settle down . There was food and an unfrozen bowl of water in the sled , along with her compatriots . Midget however , was not so fond of the tent . I could hear him clucking and occasionally crowing . I could also see a small part of the blanket moving when he walked around inside . Now , this tent was not set up to be a perfect place for them to live . But it was a necessity , and managed to keep Pico and Herbie out , while somehow managing to keep the chickens in . For a while . This morning , I decided that I should put them outside , but not until the sun came up . Unfortunately , even after the sun came up , it was still well below zero outside , like twenty below zero . I had to run to town , and decided that Pico should come with me . He 's not a killer per se , but I have no doubt that he would have found his way into the chicken tent and caused havoc . Best case scenario if I left him home : Chicken crap everywhere in my house . It was not a risk I was willing to take . So off we went , while the chickens camped out in the balmy interior of my cabin . When we got home , I was torn on whether to put them outside . It was sunny and deceivingly nice looking outside , but the temperature never really got above zero . With Midget and Whitey showing frostbite on their combs , I decided that I would not subject them to the move from seventy degrees to ten below zero . But that was before Blondie and Midget found an escape route . I was sitting at the table chatting with my girlfriend when we heard some commotion and looked up only to see Blondie strutting around the carpet at the front door . Midget popped out as I was watching , and Whitey was trying very hard to follow suit . I shoved Whitey back into the tent and grabbed Midget and Blondie and put them back too . The sounds that followed convinced me that they would benefit from some fresh air and freedom . I may have also figured that I would benefit from them getting some fresh air . I again grabbed Midget and Blondie and transferred them outside . After an hour or so , I figured that I may as well put Brownie and Whitey out too . Now , I wasn 't trying to torture them or cause harm , but the outside space seemed to do them some good . They got a few hours out in the sun , and I managed to round them up with less effort than yesterday . Now they 're back in the tent , making crazy sounds and stinking the place up . Luckily , the weather should be getting warmer in a day or two , because honestly , they are not good roommates . I 'm not sure how this reflects on me , but they are also not the worst roommates I 've ever had either . I guess I 'd rather listen to a rooster crow at five in the morning than listen to some guy scream at a video game at four in the morning . You know what , this doesn 't reflect on me at all . At least this time I 'm in control of when the obnoxious roommates move out . Posted on January 21 , 2014 by JALevine 3 I 'm sitting at my table writing because right now , this is the only thing that will keep me from curling up in the fetal position on my bed and sobbing uncontrollably . Ed , my little gray cat , the first pet I ever had , just died in my arms . And I am not handling it well . He went quickly , deteriorating in just a week or so . His strength was gone , he could barely breathe , and he had stopped eating . He couldn 't make it to the litter box , and had to lie down to drink water . That 's how weak he was , he couldn 't even stand up long enough to take a drink . Most of the time that I lived in Jacksonville I was so depressed that I was frequently suicidal . I hated everything about my life , and quite frankly , if it wasn 't for my pets , I probably would have killed myself . I had even gone so far a few times as to wonder who would take my animals . And the thought of Pico being back in a shelter and Ed and Herbie being separated was enough to stop me . The number of times that it got this far is scary . But all along , Ed was there , all ten pounds of him , telling me in his own way that he loved me . He was born in a barn outside of Malone , with no pedigree or anything . There were three kittens in the litter , and Ed was the only short - hair . I called dibs , and Amy took Ed 's brother while someone else took the only girl . The farm was being rented by my friends , and we knew that the kittens were coming . So Amy and I headed up there a day or two after they were born , and I got to hold Ed . He was smaller than my palm , but opened his eyes for the first time while I was holding him . A few weeks later I brought Ed home . He was pretty wild , as kittens tend to be , but even then , he had some idiosyncrasies . The house I lived in at the time was one main floor , with my bedroom upstairs . Every day I would go to school or work and leave Ed in my room . I didn 't want him chewing on wires or digging up house plants , so I gave him food , water , and litter to get by for the day . However , each day when I got home , Ed would greet me at the door . Then one day after a few weeks , Brendan called in sick to work . I got home from school , and he told me that he knew how Ed was getting out . My room was the only thing upstairs , and so the stairs went straight from my room to a door at the bottom which led to the living room . So Brendan was sitting on the couch ( most likely watching The Simpsons ) when he heard a racket coming down the stairs , then a loud thud , and then the door swung open . Brendan stared in amazement as Ed came trotting out from my room . The little kitten , maybe weighing a pound or two , was flying down the stairs and just doing a full - body slam against the door to pop it open . After that I figured that if I found a way to keep the door shut tight , he would probably just hurt himself trying to get the door open . He had earned the right to have full run of the house . When the weather warmed up that spring , I would take Ed swimming in the lake or for short canoe rides . I took him to work with me and let him wander around outside , pretending to be a hunter , though never catching anything other than dead leaves . His hunting skills got better over the years , and he caught many mice . He never killed them , just trotted around with them in his mouth , occasionally dropping one so he could catch it again . This was a cat that learned how to turn on water faucets so he could play with the water . He somehow managed to get on top of the pipes in my parent 's basement to crawl around and hang out . He could hang upside down from the ceiling and jump to the top of a refrigerator from the floor . He would go for hikes with me and Pico in the summer , following closely but sometimes sprinting ahead . He had refined and discriminating taste in beer . In short , Ed was the man . I love that cat with all my heart , and to know that he 's in a box on the porch is devastating . I 'm glad he went quickly though , and thinking back on all the times I just shook my head and laughed at my little man is making things a little better . I feel bad for Herbie though . Herbie was the fat lazy one , and now he 's got no one to play with . Herbie just brushed up against my leg . He gave my calf a little nip , which he does a lot . But hearing him purr makes me realize one thing . Ed died purring , warm and comfortable , held by someone who loved him and will never forget him . He had a good life , and even though he 's gone , the little man will always be with me . Posted on January 14 , 2014 by JALevine 2 Well , the low temperature last night was still above zero for the first time in a week . It 's not much , but it 's something to look forward to . And then tomorrow they 're saying that the highs will be above freezing . It has been a wild winter so far , weather - wise . While the rest of the nation was experiencing record cold last week , we were watching the snow melt and the ruts in the driveway disappear . Then we had bone chilling cold with nasty wind . So much so that if I didn 't check the chicken coop every hour or so for eggs , the eggs I did find would be frozen and cracked . One nice development out here at the cabin is that Brownie the chicken has started laying eggs too . Nice light brown ones that make the egg carton look so pleasant . With Whitey and Brownie laying now pretty much every day , I 'm getting more eggs than I can eat . At least when I find them unfrozen . But back to the weather . It was so windy the other night that I actually had to prop one of the chairs up against the door to keep it from blowing open . The corner of the old woodshed roof lifted and had to be repaired ( the people who built it only used about twenty screws for the eight sheets of metal , so no wonder it pulled away from the shed ) . I 'll have to keep an eye on it the next time it gets windy like that . This was a huge bonus for several reasons . First , they fell right across the road to upper camp , making them very easy to get to . I can use the sled to bring firewood back or let it sit until spring and use the four - wheeler . Either way , it 's a bunch of wood that I don 't have to work too hard for . For once . Second , and more importantly , with the ridiculous cold we 've had , I am burning through wood faster than ever . And it 's not the stove . The new stove is far more efficient . I get about eight hours of burn time with three big logs in there when I put it on the most efficient mode . The old stove would have needed six or seven logs jammed into it to last that long . But , it 's just been so cold that I can 't have the stove shut down all the way for the most efficient burn . I need some air getting in there so that the temperature in the house stays comfortable . With the wood shed about halfway empty , and three solid months of non - stop burning left in the winter , I 'll be dipping into next year 's firewood before the winter is out . It 's a good thing I started working on that in the fall . I already have about three cords tarped and split , so when the shed gets empty , I have a little safety net . It 'll just mean more work and more money next winter , but I can 't stop burning wood and just turn on the furnace . I have to admit , I kind of miss the days when the heat was just on . It didn 't require any work or effort , just had to set the temperature and go about your day . And sure , the wood stove keeps it steadily comfortable in here , but at what expense ? Year - round work trying to find and cut and haul and split and stack and carry and burn wood . It 's a ton of work , and then add to it the unpredictable length of winter and it becomes a lot of stress too . Luckily for me , one of my favorite ways to relieve stress is to cut trees up with my chainsaw . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Instead of running a post with a list of my top 5 ( or 10 ) posts in 2016 - I think I am just going to begin 2017 re - running the top 5 - one each day . Hopefully by the time I finish , I will maybe feel like writing something new . I have not really been in the mood for that either lately . I wrote about the passing of my step - father and DC 's understanding of the situation in an earlier post ( Understanding Death is not like a Disney Movie ) . Not to diminish how difficult it may have been on anyone else in the family , but this was a very difficult time for DC and this blog for the most part is about DC and the way his autism affects him and his life . It is about the way we go about things and the way he handles situations . If he needs to stand in the receiving line with me , then he does . Everything does not have to be done " by the book " or the way it has been done for years . Adjustments can be made and those adjustments should not be looked upon as failure . I understand that people who do not know any better actually think we can " train " our kids to do everything the way that they think it should be done or the way it has always been done or better yet , we should be able to train our children to control themselves at all times . No , but we can try to help them manage situations and manage the anxiety . It helps him . I will try to find a spot where his flapping will not cause damage to anyone or anything . Letting him do these things helps him to calm himself down . Keeping him from doing these things to release his anxiety will only cause something more epic or disruptive later when he just can not control himself any longer . Knowing my son , I decided that it would be easier on him and everyone in attendance , for him to stand in the receiving line with me at the wake on Friday . Yes , it would be a lot of pressure and hours of people shaking his hand or hugging him but I thought that might be easier than having him sit with Doug with nothing to do for hours . This was a brand new situation for him and I know my son . If sitting away from me , eventually he would begin yelling " Vickie * , come here please " or running through ( trying to , anyway ) the receiving line to get to me . If he couldn 't get to me or was redirected from trying to crash the line , he could have gotten quite loud . Standing with me in the line was definitely the lesser of two evils . If it got to be too much for him , Doug was there to take him outside for a break if need be . Because she gets it , my friend Carrie actually thought to bring him a few Kit Kats when she came through the line . I have to say that he did exceptionally well . I could see that it was difficult but he held himself together . He was a bit agitated but really pretty much in control . Of course , he had to work hard to stay in control and he was very relieved when it was over . Knowing how much he fought to keep himself together and what his reaction would be going back into the same situation the following morning , I talked with him at length about what would happen the next day . I explained that we would have to go back to that same room in the morning but we would not be there very long before we got back into the car to go to the church . I knew going back there was going to be very difficult for him . DC really does not have a great sense of time , so explaining that we would only be there for an hour does not really mean much to him - a little while , and not very long , seemed the way to go . But as much as he seemed to be listening to me and understanding , I was very worried about the next morning . On Saturday morning , the family met at the restaurant where the reception would be held later , to meet the limo . He began to get anxious as soon as we got into the limo and the rain only added to his anxiety . I told him to do whatever he had to do while we were in the car - flap , yell , whatever . He did not want to hear any of it . He was in full blown anxiety mode before we even made it through the door of the funeral home . I asked him if he wanted to sit with Doug - he didn 't . He wanted to stay with me , but he could not control himself . I took him out to the lobby to let him get it out of his system - I asked him if he needed to flap - " NO " , I asked him if he needed a hug ( more for the pressure than the actual hug ) - " YES " , but it did not help . Each time he said he was ready and we went back in , it began all over again and back out to the lobby we went . We were still in the family only viewing part of the morning before the general public came in . For me , his " semi - meltdown * " would have been much easier if it had happened in a room full of strangers rather than just family ( if that makes any sense ) . Over and above my growing anxiety over trying to keep him together , all I could think about was we were now trapped there without a car . What if he just could not pull himself together ? I began thinking about our options to get back to the car during the second time - out in the lobby . Thankfully by the third lobby trip he seemed to begin calming down and we were able to go back inside for the duration . Once again , He made it through the viewing and we got back into the limo to go to the church , still anxious , but he was able to control himself for the most part . The cemetery in the rain was not easy but we were not there very long . Arriving at the restaurant and seeing that our car was still there made him feel much better , less trapped I think and he was back to his old self . This was a long couple of days for him and I really debated about going to my mother 's house on Sunday . Once again I did not listen to that little voice in my head and we went . He was already on the edge . Then came a comment " smiles and ice cream " , which led DC to believe there was ice cream . After convincing him that there was no ice cream , next came the insinuation that pizza was part of the food order that was going to be picked up . Although dinner had been ordered and was waiting to be picked up , pizza had never been part of that order . Was this supposed to be funny ? A Joke ? I can not even offer an explanation about this but not only was there no pizza , but there was not one single thing that he would even think of eating … . That was the end , the very end . He 'd had enough . This " semi - meltdown * " was worse than the morning before . I have never tried to mold him into someone else 's idea of " normal " . I have spent years trying to help him navigate situations in a way that he can handle without too much anxiety and disruption to others . For those who did not get the memo ; there are going to be outbursts and times when he just simply can not control himself . THAT IS AUTISM ! This was more extreme than usual but it is certainly not something that has not happened before . He knows what is happening and he knows he can not control himself , which only adds to his anxiety and makes him feel that much more worse . Keeping him from doing what he needs to do to get over it also makes matters worse . Unfortunately he was past the point of hugs ( pressure ) and flapping . Then came the full sentence with correct pronoun " I just want to go home " . Asking to leave Grandma 's house is a very big deal for him . It is not something he would normally do , ever . But I got a full sentence with the correct pronoun . I knew he was serious … so that is exactly what we did . He had a very difficult time the following day ( Monday ) and the next , especially in the morning . In other words , the mornings were brutal . By Wednesday we were pretty much back to our normal morning issues but not anything close to what we had been through during the days before . * Semi - Meltdown - I use that term because DC hasn 't had an actual full blown meltdown in years . I can only compare to what his meltdowns were like when he was younger and in comparison , this was " semi " . Although I did not go into detail about his actions , it was getting to be very close to the full meltdown . DC 's favorite day of camp , Hat Day . I tried to talk him into the chicken hat , but he wasn 't going with it . He chose the green hat . He chose this hat because it had the long strings that are like long hair to him . There is nothing he wants more than to have long hair , but unfortunately his hair grows out and not down . He wore the hat . He won an award . Above all else , the morning went so much easier than last year , when I was afraid his favorite day would be ruined . Much easier … . Today is DC 's first full day at camp . He has attended this camp since he was 5 years old . He loves it . Before he left the school system at age 21 , he was able to attend 9 to 3 every day for 7 weeks each summer . Now that he has a " job " , he normally uses some of his allotted vacation time to attend for two weeks of the season . He does and has always been able to attend the twice weekly after camp program . He attended when he was at the camp full - time and still attends now after work . Because we took an extra vacation this year , he was not able to take an extra two weeks off to attend camp as he usually does , so I opted for him to go one day a week on Friday in addition to the two " after camp " sessions that do not interfere with his work schedule or his time off . This works out well because I am off from work on Fridays for the summer and I don 't have to figure out and schedule how he will get there each day . The camp has what they call " Special Days " ( more about that in an upcoming ' Everything is Related ' post ) listed on the calendar . Because of DC 's schedule he has missed one of his favorites , Hat Day ( or " silly hat day " as DC likes to call it ) for the past 3 years . He still has every single construction paper award that he has ever won for his hats on Hat Day and he is very proud of them . Today happened to be Hat Day . As soon as DC discovered that he would be at camp on Hat Day , it was all that I heard about . We went through his collection of silly hats and he chose the cheeseburger hat . We arrived at camp and he got himself situated . Although the director and assistant director are aware of his seizure , I wanted to stress again the fact that I really believed it had to do with the heat and the all - around stress of the day we had that day . I also wanted to talk to his group leader personally . We were a bit early so the staff was still in their morning meeting . DC decided that he had to use the restroom . He came right out and informed me that there was no toilet paper . I got him a big handful from the lady 's room and he went back in , no problem … . or so I thought . When he came out , he would not let go of the fact that there was not toilet paper in the men 's room , even though he didn 't need it any longer , it wasn 't there . I told him that I would let the director know as soon as they were finished with their meeting - but he would just not calm down about it . When the meeting was over he came with me - still ranting - to talk to the director . First I explained to her that what was going on right then was because there is no toilet paper in the rest room . She immediately called to one of her staff to replenish the supply . This did not do a thing to calm him down . It was too late . This coupled with his normal ' arrival anxiety ' was too much and even when I showed him the new rolls , it didn 't matter , he was too far into this now . It went on for a while . As many times that I have told him over the years that he has nothing to be sorry about ( and as many times as I told him this morning ) , this is what happens . If we are home together , this could and has gone on for hours . If I am dropping him off somewhere , I try to just get him calm enough so that I can leave , because if I am there he will continue to perseverate on me . DC 's Dad just came back from seven months in Florida and we are up against the same situation as in the post below . DC does not want to go out of his way to see him . Not because he doesn 't like his Dad - he just has gotten out of the habit of seeing him . He 's been gone for as I said 7 months and now here comes this guy trying to mess up his schedule . He called and asked to see DC on Sunday as Sundays turned out to be DC 's pick last year , but he immediately said no . He said no to Saturday as well until his Dad offered to take him out to dinner . He agreed but wanted to be sure that he was coming home right after dinner . I am sure he will get over this as he did last year . I can not blame him for feeling the way he does , nor will I ever force him to go . I want him to know it is his decision . Once he gets used to him being back , I am sure he will come around , if he doesn 't then I 'm sure we will figure out something so he will see his Dad without stomping all over his decision . So it may not be all about the cake this year , but I am sure , it will not be refused if offered … DC 's father was in Florida for the winter . He left in mid - November . DC did get to see him on the day after Christmas for dinner when DC , Doug and I were in Florida on vacation . His dad came back from Florida in May for the summer . One of DC 's first visits with his dad was on a Sunday . They went to his Aunt 's house for DC 's belated birthday party . His dad was not here for his birthday and his Aunt was ill at the time , so the party she planned to have for him right around his birthday had to be put on hold . They made up for it that Sunday though . DC was happy , he loves his birthday and nothing could be better than to be still celebrating his birthday two months later and let 's not forget the cake ! Cake is very important to DC ! His father asked to take him on the following Wednesday , so DC went to his father 's house and came home in the morning in time for his transportation to take him to work . It was only a few days later on Sunday that DC had his seizure . He was supposed to go to his father 's on the following Wednesday , but we decided to cancel since it had only been a few days since the seizure and I was not comfortable letting him out of my sight . A week later , his dad took him to his Aunt 's house again , this time to celebrate Father 's Day with the rest of his family . DC came home happily listing everything he had to eat because that is what is important . ( He did ask me about " cake " before he left that morning and I told him that there may not always be a cake every time he goes to his Aunt 's house … . . but yes , there was a cake 🙂 ) . When his dad returned him on that Sunday he asked if he could take him again on Wednesday . DC got frustrated and said " No ! I don 't want to ! " . He does this at times - he says no , without meaning to or without really listening to what he is saying " no " to . I told him not to worry , we had nothing scheduled on Wednesday and it would be fine for him to go to Dad 's . After his dad left he continued to go on about not going . I thought that he might be confused so I brought him to the calendar to show him that there was nothing going on that day . I wrote " Dad 's House " on the calendar . DC got angry and yelled " Cross Out ! No ! " . From the many years spent crawling around in DC 's head trying desperately to figure things out , I had an idea about what was going on here , but I left it alone for a while . When I talked to him again a few hours later and got the same response , I decided I had to call his dad the next morning . As I said , I had an idea about what was going on but first I wanted to be sure that nothing happened , even something as small as the power going out for a split second , or the dog jumping on him , or a piece of furniture in different place , would be enough to cause this anxiety . There was nothing that he could think of . I told him what I thought this was all about . DC hadn 't seen him in over 6 months . He was now used to not seeing his dad and only talking to him on the phone . Even before he left for Florida , he had not taken DC twice a week for many years , it was always once a week - every other Sunday and every other Monday . Now he is home and DC , with his own agenda in his head , and also quite used to not seeing Dad , feels as if Dad is " cramping his style " for lack for a better term . That , combined with his seizure and probably not wanting to sleep anywhere but home was making him a bit anxious . He loves to see his dad , don 't get me wrong , but he is used to what he is used to and it will take a little time for him to get used to something else . His dad suggested that I ask DC what day he would like to go to his house . Later that day I did ask DC if he wanted to pick a day that he wanted to go . There was no fussing and no anxiety , it was his choice . He immediately wrote " Dad 's House " on Sunday . I told him that I would call his father to see if he was available that day . As it turned out , he wasn 't . I told DC that Dad had to work on Sunday ( he didn 't , but it was easier than trying to explain " other plans " ) I asked him if he wanted to make another choice . He chose Wednesday ! The same day he was so adamant about not going ! I wrote about the passing of my step - father and DC 's understanding of the situation in an earlier post ( Understanding Death is not like a Disney Movie ) . Not to diminish how difficult it may have been on anyone else , but this was a very difficult time for DC and this blog for the most part is about DC and the way his autism affects him and his life . It is about the way we go about things and the way he handles situations . If he needs to stand in the receiving line with me , then he does . Everything does not have to be done " by the book " or the way it has been done for years . Adjustments can be made and those adjustments should not be looked upon as failure . I understand that people who do not know any better actually think we can " train " our kids to do everything the way that they think it should be done or the way it has always been done or better yet , we should be able to train our children to control themselves at all times . No , but we can try to help them manage situations and manage the anxiety . It helps him . I will try to find a spot where his flapping will not cause damage to anyone or anything . Letting him do these things helps him to calm himself down . Keeping him from doing these things to release his anxiety will only cause something more epic or disruptive later when he just can not control himself any longer . Knowing my son , I decided that it would be easier on him and everyone in attendance , for him to stand in the receiving line with me at the wake on Friday . Yes , it would be a lot of pressure and hours of people shaking his hand or hugging him but I thought that might be easier than having him sit with Doug with nothing to do for hours . This was a brand new situation for him and I know my son . If sitting away from me , eventually he would begin yelling " Vickie * , come here please " or running through ( trying to , anyway ) the receiving line to get to me . If he couldn 't get to me or was redirected from trying to crash the line , he could have gotten quite loud . Standing with me in the line was definitely the lesser of two evils . If it got to be too much for him , Doug was there to take him outside for a break if need be . Because she gets it , my friend Carrie actually thought to bring him a few Kit Kats when she came through the line . I have to say that he did exceptionally well . I could see that it was difficult but he held himself together . He was a bit agitated but really pretty much in control . Of course , he had to work hard to stay in control and he was very relieved when it was over . Knowing how much he fought to keep himself together and what his reaction would be going back into the same situation the following morning , I talked with him at length about what would happen the next day . I explained that we would have to go back to that same room in the morning but we would not be there very long before we got back into the car to go to the church . I knew going back there was going to be very difficult for him . DC really does not have a great sense of time , so explaining that we would only be there for an hour does not really mean much to him - a little while , and not very long , seemed the way to go . But as much as he seemed to be listening to me and understanding , I was very worried about the next morning . On Saturday morning , the family met at the restaurant where the reception would be held later , to meet the limo . He began to get anxious as soon as we got into the limo and the rain only added to his anxiety . I told him to do whatever he had to do while we were in the car - flap , yell , whatever . He did not want to hear any of it . He was in full blown anxiety mode before we even made it through the door of the funeral home . I asked him if he wanted to sit with Doug - he didn 't . He wanted to stay with me , but he could not control himself . I took him out to the lobby to let him get it out of his system - I asked him if he needed to flap - " NO " , I asked him if he needed a hug ( more for the pressure than the actual hug ) - " YES " , but it did not help . Each time he said he was ready and we went back in , it began all over again and back out to the lobby we went . We were still in the family only viewing part of the morning before the general public came in . For me , his " semi - meltdown * " would have been much easier if it had happened in a room full of strangers rather than just family ( if that makes any sense ) . Over and above my growing anxiety over trying to keep him together , all I could think about was we were now trapped there without a car . What if he just could not pull himself together ? I began thinking about our options to get back to the car during the second time - out in the lobby . Thankfully by the third lobby trip he seemed to begin calming down and we were able to go back inside for the duration . Once again , He made it through the viewing and we got back into the limo to go to the church , still anxious , but he was able to control himself for the most part . The cemetery in the rain was not easy but we were not there very long . Arriving at the restaurant and seeing that our car was still there made him feel much better , less trapped I think and he was back to his old self . This was a long couple of days for him and I really debated about going to my mother 's house on Sunday . Once again I did not listen to that little voice in my head and we went . He was already on the edge . Then came a comment " smiles and ice cream " , which led DC to believe there was ice cream . After convincing him that there was no ice cream , next came the insinuation that pizza was part of the food order that was going to be picked up . Although dinner had been ordered and was waiting to be picked up , pizza had never been part of that order . Was this supposed to be funny ? A Joke ? I can not even offer an explanation about this but not only was there no pizza , but there was not one single thing that he would even think of eating … . That was the end , the very end . He 'd had enough . This " semi - meltdown * " was worse than the morning before . I have never tried to mold him into someone else 's idea of " normal " . I have spent years trying to help him navigate situations in a way that he can handle without too much anxiety and disruption to others . For those who did not get the memo ; there are going to be outbursts and times when he just simply can not control himself . THAT IS AUTISM ! This was more extreme than usual but it is certainly not something that has not happened before . He knows what is happening and he knows he can not control himself , which only adds to his anxiety and makes him feel that much more worse . Keeping him from doing what he needs to do to get over it also makes matters worse . Unfortunately he was past the point of hugs ( pressure ) and flapping . Then came the full sentence with correct pronoun " I just want to go home " . Asking to leave Grandma 's house is a very big deal for him . It is not something he would normally do , ever . But I got a full sentence with the correct pronoun . I knew he was serious … so that is exactly what we did . He had a very difficult time the following day ( Monday ) and the next , especially in the morning . In other words , the mornings were brutal . By Wednesday we were pretty much back to our normal morning issues but not anything close to what we had been through during the days before . * Semi - Meltdown - I use that term because DC hasn 't had an actual full blown meltdown in years . I can only compare to what his meltdowns were like when he was younger and in comparison , this was " semi " . Although I did not go into detail about his actions , it was getting to be very close to the full meltdown . I had to take DC for bloodwork for the second time ever , this week . Because of his seizure medication , bloodwork will become a regular part of his life . I am thankful that due to the type of seizure medication that he is on , he will not have to go for bloodwork every month or even close to as often as some of his friends do - small favors . After all of the chaos during his last visit and even though he realized in the end that it did not hurt at all , I was worried that the ' not hurting ' part was not going to be what he remembered . The ' needle ' part is what makes him anxious . We talked about it for weeks . I reminded him that it did not hurt . He seemed relatively calm - until we arrived and were in the waiting room . His reaction was just like , if not worse than it was the first time . Still , I was not sure if me going first was THE best way to go . I was on the fence . This could go very wrong . On one hand ; he could watch me and understand that it does not hurt - on the other hand ; THE NEEDLE - he would be watching the needle . I was still debating in my head when we were called inside and at the last second I decided to go first . He watched every move the lab tech made very intently . He was interested , not fearful at all . When it was his turn , he sat in the chair and insisted on watching the whole thing . He saw the needle and he watched the whole procedure without making a sound . Even with all of the prep beforehand and watching me , I never thought it would go that easily . The second they were finished , he lost control - jumping , stimming and yelling . Maybe it took a lot out of him to keep himself in control for the needle and he just had to let go when it was over , I don 't know . I do know that even with the before and after commotion , this time was so much easier than the last . DC had to go for blood work today . He has never had to have blood drawn before . They did take blood in the ER after his first seizure but he was so " out of it " that he did not give them a problem about it at all . DC has always been very healthy so his doctor and I had decided to put off blood tests unless it was necessary because having blood drawn would entail making an appointment at the hospital to have him put out - an all day affair . He is big and he is strong . Even when he was younger and had to have a vaccination , I had to bring reinforcements to the Doctor 's office . Most of the time we had , his Dad , Doug , me , the assistant and the doctor in the examination room . No one could hold him , no one . It was exhausting and even with all of us trying to hold on to him , the doctor would eventually have to resort to chasing him around the room until she had a semi - good shot at sticking him . I often wondered if he ever actually got everything that was in the needle . Well , we could put if off no longer . Due to his seizures and medications , he had to have blood drawn . He did let the paramedics put an IV in during his second ride to the hospital and he was much more alert that time . Hoping that he remembered this , I decided we would try to go to a regular lab . I talked to him and explained what they were going to do . I also explained that if he did not let them take the blood at the lab we would have to go to the hospital to have it done . He did NOT want to go to the hospital again . The technician called for back up and fortunately Doug had come with me as reinforcement . Still no one could hold him . It had gotten to the point where as great as the staff was , I knew they could not do this much longer . They gave it one last try with Doug actually laying across his free arm and all of us holding the " needle arm " . As soon as he saw the needle go in he stopped fighting and let them finish . Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event . When we walked out of the room all eyes were on us from the now very crowded waiting room . I am sure they wanted to see who had been causing all of that commotion . I could not care less . He did it and that was all that mattered . DC , with a wave and a smile yelled " Good - bye Ladies " and we were off . In the car on the way to breakfast before heading to work , DC was so proud and not wanting us to forget it , began singing a song . I recognized it from when he was young , but I hadn 't heard it in years . I could not even remember where it came from : It has been a little bit of an odd week here in DC - land . Some plusses but just all around odd . At this point even the positives worry me since he began having seizures . Right before both he was hyper - aware and oddly communicative . I just haven 't relaxed enough yet to take the positives as totally positive . So , I worry . I know I 've written previously that DC does not cry - never has . When he hurts himself or is upset , he will yell or scream , but he never cries . Even as a baby his crying was more like screaming and he really never had tears . To this day , it is very rare for him to have tears . When he does , it is usually due to allergies and still even with allergies , tears are rare . He will at times use water to make tears so he can look at himself in the mirror and see " tears " . He started taking seizure medication back in August with really no adverse side effects except for one day about 3 weeks in , he was watching a YouTube video and just started bawling , uncontrollably complete with tears and " ugly cry face " . This went on for a good hour . When I asked him what was making him sad , he said it was the Barney song . ( If anyone should be crying over the Barney song , it should be me . I have had to listen to that song for 24 years now . He 's been watching that show since before it hit PBS , back in the days when Barney was dark purple ( and a little scary looking , if you ask me ) and Sandy Duncan played Michael 's mother . Yes , I am still looking for that Barney support group . ) I chalked the crying up to the meds and I did inform his neurologist . It never happened again , until this week , when three times he went into the same over the top crying , like " overly emotional " me crying over a Hallmark commercial . Each time he said it was because of the Barney song . The last time he did also say that he missed his Aunt Kim , who he is going to visit tomorrow . Now I have to wonder if it is / was a side effect from the meds why did it happen 5 moths ago and not again until this week ? Mrs . H reported that on Friday , he came home from work out - of - sorts which seemed to stem from his immediate need to change his shirt . He couldn 't wait . Now clothing issues are ongoing here , but as annoying shirts go , this one really shouldn 't have caused him that much anxiety . Years ago , yes - but really not so much anymore . It was just a plain black shirt , no buttons , no pockets , no collar , no tags - pretty much , a long sleeved t - shirt , but it had to come off … immediately . Today DC and I went to meet my mother for lunch . We were going to an Italian restaurant that we have been to a few times before . DC always has a hard time finding anything to eat there . They do not have even one item on " DC 's Restaurant Triad " - Burgers , Wings or Pizza , so I have to plan ahead when we go there . I have to remind him more than once and check the menu on - line after which he chooses mozzarella carrozza ( but we must call them mozzarella sticks , even though they are triangles ) and garlic bread also with mozzarella - always . At the restaurant ; his order placed , he heard me order grilled chicken and insisted on having grilled chicken as well ! Now , this ' boy ' loves chicken . He eats chicken just about every day , but it has to have bones . " Chicken with bones and sprinkles " ( Mrs . Dash ) or wings or tenders ( tenders are not required to have a bone ) . He never wants chicken without the bone unless they are tenders . This … . another MAJOR plus in my book - a fourth menu option ! The minus … He got very anxious at lunch , which is not really all that uncommon . He said he needed to " flap his wings " . The restaurant was not busy and there was no threat of him hitting anyone with his flapping so I said it was fine but to try to keep the ' clucking ' at low volume . He did , but I could see that it wasn 't working for him . I asked if he wanted to go outside for a bit . First he said no , but then he decided he would since he was done with his appetizer and the rest of our food had not arrived yet . Normally , he would think he was being punished if I asked him to go outside - I always tell him that this is not the case but that is what he thinks , so I was surprised that he agreed . There we stood , on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant clucking and flapping . The clucking was even more intense than usual . The only way I can describe it would be that it looked like his head was motorized . I do not know how he was doing it . I have never seen such extreme clucking . We stood outside for a good long while until he decided he was ready to go back inside . We were not inside for very long before he decided he needed to go out again . More flapping more intense clucking . Eventually he calmed down and I could see a bit of a smile on his face so I knew this would probably be our last trip outside . We went back in and he was fine for the remainder of our time there . He will be going to visit his aunt tomorrow . This will be the first time ( other than when he is at his job , with " trained professionals " ) that he has been anywhere without me , Mrs . H or Doug since his seizures started ( our world has gotten much smaller ) and given his odd behavior this week , his poor aunt will have to listen to pages of instructions tomorrow when she picks him up . Fortunately , she is used to me . To the many other people who have had to listen to my barrage of instructions , I will say , No , I don 't think you are stupid . Yes , I know that you probably know all of this . On the slim chance that there might be one little thing that you do not know , I am going to say it . I will not feel better unless I say it out loud even though I am sure you probably already know it . ( I have a lot to say about our visit to the Rhode Island Comic - Con . Some good ; some not so much . Everyone we met was very nice . Now I understand that they are supposed to be , but we all know that it isn 't always the case . There were a few people who were just extraordinarily wonderful to DC , so I want to be sure I mention all of them . Because I have so much to say about the entire event ; Autism - related and not , I have decided to split the story up into a few parts , by category rather than in order by the day ) Let me first say that I am a huge fan of Jim Beaver . I have been since his time on Deadwood . Jim Beaver was one of the reasons I became a fan of Supernatural - yes , Sam was Dean on The Gilmore Girls so I may have been leaning in that direction anyway , but Jim Beaver gave me the push I needed . DC is also very aware of the show , but other than Sam and Dean ( who were not there ) , Jim Beaver ( aka Bobby ) is really the only other cast member that I knew for sure he would recognize . Why is DC familiar with Supernatural ( or the " Don 't you cry no more " show ) you ask ? Well DC loves music , but his musical choices do not usually come from what he hears on the radio unless it is a Disney song or a song from a movie he has seen . There are only a handful of songs that I can think of that he knows specifically from the radio - Carry On Wayward Son , just happens to be one of them . He zoned right in on the " Don 't you cry no more " line and it has been a favorite of his since . We didn 't have a lot pre - scheduled for Friday night at Comic - Con . One op I had scheduled was Brent Spiner who had cancelled his appearance a few weeks earlier ( " From this moment on , you are my mortal enemy ! " ) so I thought we would use Friday night to just go and get the lay of the land before Saturday when I was sure it would just be mobbed . We really did not expect to see many people or do very much that night , I just really wanted to figure out where everything and everybody was going to be . As it turned out , Friday was the best day of the event for us . It was not crowded at all and we got to do and see an awful lot . As we were walking and looking around I noticed that there were no lines at many of the autograph tables . Then we came upon the " Don 't you cry no more " room . The first table belonged to none other than Jim Beaver ( be still my heart ) - he was not there but the tablecloth was not turned up covering the photos for sale as others were so I assumed that he would be right back . We did have a photo op scheduled with him on Saturday , but photo ops are usually very hurried , so I thought this would be a good opportunity for DC to see him and not feel so overwhelmed and rushed . When we went over to stand at his table and wait , a boy who looked to be about 12 came over to us and asked us if we were in line . DC , who seldom initiates a conversation or a greeting , took one look at this boy , who looked just like a younger version of his friend * Ron from Camp and excitedly in his high - pitched squeaky DC voice squealed " Hello there ! My name is DC Last Name . How are you ? It is nice to meet you ! " . He grabbed his hand and shook it so hard the boy 's entire body was shaking . The boy was so very nice . He was not taken aback by DC 's squealing and excitement . The smile never left his face . He answered him , let him shake his hand again and told him his name ( which unfortunately I do not remember ) . He then went back to stand with his mother just outside the room . While we were standing there , I noticed Samantha Ferris at the next table . I asked DC if he wanted to go over there while we were waiting . He said No - he didn 't want to get out of line - even though we were the only ones in said line ; we were in line and in DC 's mind , that was all there was to it . I told him that we would not miss Jim if we went to the next table for a minute . Samantha is a pretty woman with long hair so I knew he wanted to go over there if not for anything else but the long hair but … . he was in line . I finally convinced him that we could go and come back to Jim 's line afterward . He finally agreed . Once there , he did get very excited . He told her his name and told her where he lived . Again , he was more conversational than usual . She was wonderful with him . She asked me questions but she also directed some questions to DC ( which we know does not always happen ) . She asked how he became a fan and I explained the song connection . She sang a few bars of ' Carry On ' for him - which just thrilled him to death . She asked him if the show ever frightened him . He said " No " . I began to explain to her how we talk about the fact that the show is only … . - DC piped in with - " Make - believe " . We talked about one of the loves of his life , Felicia Day ( a recurring character ) who he had the opportunity to meet a few years ago at NY Comic - Con . Samantha certainly added a new fan to her list that night ! As soon as we were finished there , DC immediately wanted to go " back to the line " ( there was still no line ) and Jim had not returned . Samantha told us he would be right back , so back to the " line " we went . DC started getting a little bit anxious while waiting but fortunately not too over the top . Someone ran by us and said " We 'll let him know someone is waiting " and before I had the chance to finish telling them that it was not necessary to rush him , they were gone . Eventually when he did come out , he looked a bit out of sorts ; not the " I don 't want to be here " out of sorts - he looked as if something was wrong or something had happened . I felt bad and hoped that the powers that be did not make him come out just for us . He apologized and said there had been a slight emergency , which I absolutely believe due to the almost shaken look on his face . Now I felt even worse . Of course the first thing out of DC 's mouth was " I have been looking all everywhere for you " . Then for some reason , probably because he was zoning out a bit at this point , he called him " Jake " instead of Jim or Bobby . He got his " DC picture " as he called it , so he was happy . We turned to leave and there was the boy from earlier . DC again very excitedly , shook his hand , gave him a hug and told him he loved him ( the asking permission before hugging anyone rule went completely out the window that weekend ) - the boy , as before , went along with all of it thankfully . What an extraordinary child ! I wish I could send him many gifts ! We had three photo ops scheduled on Saturday . I purchased Jim Beaver way back in July and the others at later dates . The only information listed when purchasing a photo op on - line was the day ; Friday , Saturday or Sunday . When they did finally post the scheduled times I discovered that Jim Beaver and another were listed at the same time . I have to imagine that this happened to many other people as well . On our way to the most unorganized photo op room I have ever seen , DC announced that he needed to " Flap his Wings " . It was just too crowded for him to flap where we were at the time but we did manage to find a corner almost under the bleachers for him to flap . I had him jump up and down a bit too while we had the space , just to try to get it all out . Then we headed to the area where the photos were to be taken . Jim Beaver was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 15 and the other was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 30 . We we decided to get Jim Beaver done first . Explaining the conflict to a volunteer in order to find out how early we could get in line for Jim Beaver , I took out my printed ticket with bar code that clearly stated : You must present this ticket with the Bar Code and your e - mail address to double check the time I had written on the ticket . She looked at it and told us we could probably get in line at about 12 : 30 . We walked around a bit and revisited the " jump and flap " area for one final go . Then we went back to get in line at the time she had given us . I gave the same volunteer my ticket and she said " Oh no , we can 't take those paper tickets . You have to get in that line over there and trade them in for cards . " I followed the direction of her pointing finger to the mob scene , she referred to as a line , and questioned the ticketing process . This was supposed to be our ticket . " I don 't know , I 'm just a volunteer , but don 't worry ; he 's not here yet " . Firstly , I can not tell you how many times I heard " I don 't know , I am just a volunteer " that day and secondly , the issue was not whether he was there or not , it was about trying to get closer to the front due to our time conflict . We went over and got at the end of the " card " line . While waiting and out of the blue , DC decided to hug the man dressed as Mr . Spock who was in front of us in the card line . Fortunately again , Spock had no problem with this random hug from a stranger . He explained that he has three children on the spectrum , so he was not fazed by it at all . We talked special needs programs for a bit until it was our turn to trade in our tickets . We finally made it out of that line with our " cards " but by the time we got back to the photo line the entire fenced in area was full and our place in line was outside of the roped in area . The volunteer saw us and yelled . " Don 't worry , he 's not in there yet " - again , not the point ! Doug , who unlike me can usually put up with just about anything , went ahead and spoke to a volunteer at the head of the line . Shortly thereafter a different volunteer came and moved us to the front of the line . I have written before that I do not generally look for accommodations for DC and I did not here . I always want him to try . I did purchase VIP tickets because of DC but this is not Comic - Con or the convention center making accommodations for my son , that is me paying more money to accommodate my child on my own . We did what we were supposed to do . We discovered the scheduling conflict . We planned ahead to get in line early , not earlier than anyone else would be allowed to , but as early as was allowed . We had the proper tickets , only to be told that we didn 't . So for anyone that might be wondering or is waiting to pounce ; we were not moved to the front due to DC 's autism - we were moved to the front due to the total unorganized way that this event was run ( there is more , trust me ) . After all of this , it was finally our turn to see Jim Beaver . DC did attend one photo op on Friday night ( paper tickets were accepted then and there was no mention of a card ticket ) . Because of the Friday op , DC was expecting Jim Beaver to be standing on the same side of the room as the person was the night before . He wasn 't - he was on the side of the room closest to the curtain where we entered . DC walked into the room , and headed straight to the other side never noticing Jim Beaver standing right there . DC was looking around very confused so I turned him around and brought him back to Jim , who was looking rather confused himself and probably wondering what was going on . The photographer took one picture and asked if he would take off his glasses for another . DC , who does not like to part with his glasses immediately said " No " , but he did give in and give them to me . Now he was wearing his crabby face . As soon as they pointed that camera at him , DC being DC , immediately put on his big photo smile . One of the assistants commented about just how quickly he was able to turn on that smile . Yes , sir . That 's my boy - always the ham . One can not point a camera at or around him and not get that smile . As soon as the picture was taken DC 's only concern was getting his glasses back . He started walking out without even saying good - bye or thank you , he just wanted the glasses . He did remember his manners after being reminded . I do not usually have to remind him but I know that all that he was thinking at this point was getting out of there before anyone tried to take his glasses again . DC ( always the actor - wiping his forehead ) " Phew , I did it ! " He had his picture , he had his autograph , both of which will be added to his wall of fame at home and he got his glasses back . Even with the all of the confusion and chaos ( there was more ) , my boy really did a great job of it . We will put the Supernatural portion of our weekend in the win column ! Recently I wrote a post about a training school . I was a little apprehensive about writing the post because I know my friend Beth has had to place her son in a residential program for behavioral issues and safety . I know that there is a difference between an Institution ( as the one in the late 60 's , described in the post ) a Group Home and a Residential Program . I know she is trying to do what is best for her son and her family . I also know that she has to endure quite a lot of abuse from other parents about having to place her son in the program . Many treat her as though she is institutionalizing him or locking him away . This is hardly the case . She is trying to do what is best for her child with the minimal supports that are open to her in the rural area where she and her family live . I know that this is not the situation she was hoping for , but in order to help her son and her family this was the only real choice that she had . She wanted to get the proper help for her son that they could not - try as they might - provide for him . She wants what every parent wants , a chance at a better life for him . This was not a decision she was happy about making , believe me - but she believes that this program is what is best for her son and her family right now . At this moment he needs more help than they can provide at home or in school . Beth and I had a conversation after I published that piece . Although I understand where she is coming from , she knows full well that many people do not . She agreed to let me use our conversation in the hopes that it may help people understand her situation . It was difficult enough for her family to have to make this decision without enduring the added pressure of other 's opinions . Beth : " Unfortunately , it is still the only option for many parents to have their kids live elsewhere . If it wasn 't for my son 's aggression and property destruction , he would be living at home . If there were better supports for people with disabilities to be able to stay in their homes and communities we would not need places like group homes and residential schools . The difference from back then < the time frame from the post > and now is probably the ' reason ' for the placement . Now , it is usually a last resort after trying to support the person at home or because their needs are many and too complex to be supported at home . Many people do not make the distinction from the training school / institution that you wrote about to the program my son is in . I have had so many other parents tell me they would never do " that " to their child . There are some horrible group homes and residential programs , not much different than an institution , just in a different location and given another name . There still needs to be a lot of change in providing better public school programs and home supports . We still have a long way to go in properly supporting disabled people in their homes and community . If that were happening we would not have had to outplace him like this " . Me : Believe me , you were on my mind while I was writing it . You haven 't ' done " anything to your child , you are doing what you hope is best for him and your family ; because the rest of your family should matter as well . I agree , that people still do not make the distinction and there IS a difference , I know that . I wish more people did . I absolutely agree that there should be more home supports and school supports in place even if you do not live where it is convenient for people to get to . I would like to use this conversation in a post . I think the distinction needs to be made and can be made better by someone in your situation . Beth : " That would be fine . I am doing my best to DE stigmatize the placing of a child in a residential school or group home . That is why I share our experience on Instagram . Too many people live in dangerous and unhealthy situations with their disabled loved one because they fear what will happen when they place them . " Beth lives in a rural area where the school system could not provide the support that her son needed . They could not get or keep support in the home due to the distance many of the support people would have to travel . Many people are not in the position to pack up and move into an area with better supports in place . They visit him quite often . She is in constant contact with the staff and her son . He comes home for visits as often and for as long as he can handle . The goal here is to get him the help that he needs so he will be able to come home for good one day . To help him manage his anxiety and aggression so that he can come home . Our years with our kids have given us the wisdom to be able to have as much of a stable daily life as possible . The routine and the predictability of our day - to - day with them is all we have to keep us from losing it . A small upside to life with our sons is that we can , to a certain extent , control what our days look like , and we come to depend on that predictability just as much as they do . We know what to expect , we plan for every behavior , we know what every sound they make means . It 's how we cope . And having this happen doesn 't just pull the rug out from under you , it unravels the whole damn rug . I just hope you get some answers and the road to getting those answers doesn 't take you through hell and back . " DC 's first seizure happened on a Sunday . I specifically remember telling Mrs . H on the Friday before that I thought he was heading for a crash . He had been so overly hyper , happy hyper but over the top , laughing uncontrollably and talking about things he normally doesn 't really talk about , that I was sure his allergies were due to kick in . He was like that the entire weekend . After this last seizure , when I spoke to Mrs . H , who had picked him up from work and drove him to his camp activity , she said he was very excited about going to camp ( he always is ) , but more excited than usual . He also gave her specific details about what he did at work and what he was going to do at camp . This is not something that usually happens . We normally have to drag information out of him and when we get answers , they are usually standard DC answers . The biggest thing was that he said , totally unprompted " Say hello to Mr . H . for me " . I know many of you do not know DC personally , but those who do , know this is not anything he would ever say . This is not his manner of speaking . * Tam , the program director at camp also informed me that DC , while always excited to go to camp seemed to be overly excited that night . He even did his entire Arts and Crafts project ( he is not an Arts and Crafts kind of a guy ) and then some extra . When Mrs . H mentioned " Say hello to Mr . H for me " - I remembered the only other time I had heard him say something like that and it got me thinking . We were in Disneyland Paris almost exactly a month before his first seizure . When he met Ariel in the Princess Room , he said to her , " Say hello to Prince Eric for me " . I was blown away by that and actually mentioned it in my still unfinished post " Everything is Related - The Paris Edition " . The morning after his meeting with Ariel , he slept until 11 : 30 ! ! ! ! The one and only time he has ever slept that late was when he was sick in Florida and even then he did wake up a few times but then went back to sleep . I normally start to think there is something wrong if he sleeps until 8 : 00 am . Granted we were exhausted , but even exhausted , he never ever sleeps that late . When DC started coming out of his first seizure , he make a horrible noise that sounded like he was choking . I am told that this is normal . When he had his second and * Kim described the noise as a " weird snoring sound " I remembered that night in Disney , waking up and hearing DC snoring very oddly , so oddly that I shook him to make sure he was okay . He said he was and went right back to sleep . I am wondering now if he actually had a seizure during the night and I just didn 't know . He was so tired the following day , but I just wrote if off to travel , jet lag and the exhausting day we had the day before . So now do I worry each time he says or does something that before this happened would have been viewed as progress ? I don 't know . I don 't know what I am supposed to be looking for . DC had to go for blood work today . He has never had to have blood drawn before . They did take blood in the ER after his first seizure but he was so " out of it " that he did not give them a problem about it at all . DC has always been very healthy so his doctor and I had decided to put off blood tests unless it was necessary because having blood drawn would entail making an appointment at the hospital to have him put out - an all day affair . He is big and he is strong . Even when he was younger and had to have a vaccination , I had to bring reinforcements to the Doctor 's office . Most of the time we had , his Dad , Doug , me , the assistant and the doctor in the examination room . No one could hold him , no one . It was exhausting and even with all of us trying to hold on to him , the doctor would eventually have to resort to chasing him around the room until she had a semi - good shot at sticking him . I often wondered if he ever actually got everything that was in the needle . Well , we could put if off no longer . Due to his seizures and medications , he had to have blood drawn . He did let the paramedics put an IV in during his second ride to the hospital and he was much more alert that time . Hoping that he remembered this , I decided we would try to go to a regular lab . I talked to him and explained what they were going to do . I also explained that if he did not let them take the blood at the lab we would have to go to the hospital to have it done . He did NOT want to go to the hospital again . The technician called for back up and fortunately Doug had come with me as reinforcement . Still no one could hold him . It had gotten to the point where as great as the staff was , I knew they could not do this much longer . They gave it one last try with Doug actually laying across his free arm and all of us holding the " needle arm " . As soon as he saw the needle go in he stopped fighting and let them finish . Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event . When we walked out of the room all eyes were on us from the now very crowded waiting room . I am sure they wanted to see who had been causing all of that commotion . I could not care less . He did it and that was all that mattered . DC , with a wave and a smile yelled " Good - bye Ladies " and we were off . In the car on the way to breakfast before heading to work , DC was so proud and not wanting us to forget it , began singing a song . I recognized it from when he was young , but I hadn 't heard it in years . I could not even remember where it came from : Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Everything is Related - Dr . Who Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
" Rescuing James " - Chapter 1 Summary : James has left behind the ranch and his werebear pack for the big city of Evene . He wants to be more than his instincts . He wants more of life than the peace of the mountains broken by the exhilaration of the hunt . But when a lost shifter , just bitten , crosses his path , he realises that there is nowhere he can escape his wildest side . The mysterious man is young , lost and desperate . He knows nothing about being a shifter , not even what kind of animal he can become . He needs James ' help . But if James is strong enough to offer , is he strong enough to take it ? James clenched his fists , effectively embedding nails sharper than they should have been into his own palms . The pain helped him focus and hold back the change . He was not made to live in a city , anything from the smell of fresh meat to the brush of a dog against his bare legs could set him off when he hadn 't been running in a while . And it had been a while now , what with the Narati campaign taking up all his available waking hours and some of the ones he should have been asleep , too . And now , for the last straw on the camel 's back , another shifter had been leaving his smell all over his neighbourhood . James had moved to the city to escape the animal hierarchies that dominated the lives of his family in the ranch by the mountains his people had occupied for generations , but he was just as vulnerable to his instincts here as he was out there . The main difference was that when surrounded by cement and metal , all that he had to struggle against were the excessive noises and smells humans and their pets produced ; and , of course , himself . But there were no true rivals for resources and if he had any frustration to work off … well , being known as cutthroat only made him more valuable to his company . This stranger , though , was getting to him . He had first detected the scent a week ago on his way home , so exhausted that he had taken a cab , afraid of crashing if he tried driving . The smell had woken him right the hell up when it had wafted through the open car window , only a few streets from his house . But he had explained it away as a new shifter in the city not knowing how things worked here . In the wild , where packs and families of shifters would occupy territories empty except for cattle , it would be hard for a stranger to miss the markings of dozens of shifters . In the city , James was alone and his territory was too large for him to really spend time regularly in all of it . It extended two neighbourhoods in all directions and five in the direction of his workplace , connecting the office and his home in a path that would have been freshest despite its size because going to work was pretty much all James ever did . Except that he hadn 't run to work in weeks , not even his supernatural stamina good enough to manage exercise on top of a ninety hour week . Sometimes he wondered how humans did it because nobody seemed to think it was strange that he could . But now the Narati campaign was done and his physical exertion had nothing on the fury that had invaded him when he had arrived to his own front garden to find the smell stronger than ever . This was most definitely not an accident . No shifter could miss this was his home . In fact , for the first time now , he could tell what type of shifter the man was : something smaller , a canine , perhaps a coyote or fox . The scent was clear and distinct but he had little experience meeting shifters that were not werebears like himself . And , like werebears , other shifters were not and did not smell like the animals they became . Not that it mattered , James belonged to one of the biggest subclasses of shifters in the continent and he was a big man , too . Tracking was no problem , his brain , though exhausted , was almost not required to process the information left clear in the air and ground . Before he had made a conscious decision , his feet were propelling him forward . The smell was fresh enough that if he hurried , he had a good chance of catching up to the intruder . He had barely walked two blocks when he saw him . He couldn 't pinpoint a smell from that distance but the certainty that he was looking at his stalker was immediate . He sped up . It was just a boy , barely out of his teens , dirty blond hair long enough to get in his eyes and stopping way before anybody not supernaturally inclined could have heard him coming , proof positive that the man wasn 't human . He turned , looking surprised but not afraid , which did not bode well for either his senses or his sense since James was still spitting mad . James had him up against the wall before he could think better of it , his instinctive need to show dominance in his territory combining with his tiredness to overwhelm all his well trained human manners . He could feel his canines elongating , his mouth close enough to the other 's throat to tear , now the body against his shook in the fear announced by the wild heartbeat but the man clenched his teeth and withstood his gaze . " I was looking for you , " the guy explained , raising his hands to push lightly at James , firm but not aggressive . He had to be strong enough to push James away at least a little , no matter what type of shifter he was , but he wasn 't doing it . His eyes were dark , looking almost black by the poor lightening of the street lamp but James could tell his pupils were dilated . He was afraid but he wasn 't letting it affect him , he wasn 't challenging and he wasn 't cowering . James felt himself calm down despite himself at the reasonable , almost respectful , tone he was using . " I just started this new job , I deliver on a bike and I could feel you around here so … " " Well , I wanted … I don 't know anybody who is , " he gestured between them , his hand grazing James ' chest before he snatched it back . " I don 't know what I 'm doing ; I was bitten only a few weeks ago and … " He stopped and looked away , his agitation was obvious now . " I changed . I was hurt and I ran , I just ran . I don 't know what I 'm doing , " he repeated . The boy didn 't seem to hear . " I don 't know why I kept coming back , just that I felt … I needed to . I don 't know how but … I could tell . I could tell you were like me . And today I found your house … " He looked up at James beseechingly . " I knocked . You didn 't answer . " James stared at him . The idea of a shifter knocking on another 's door was so absurd as to almost be funny . He remembered the constant competition between his siblings to be the first to announce a visitor was coming , something they had trained themselves to be so good at that they had sometimes claimed someone was coming only to discover their grandparents , in the next house over , a good few miles south , were the ones entertaining . With his anger gone , James was starting to feel every minute of the last forty hours . " You probably do need help , " he concluded with a sigh . " What a mess . " He thought of the horror stories of bitten shifters , about how not having grown up with it they did not know how to control the change at all . This wasn 't supposed to happen , not without a willing partner to initiate the newly bitten , but what else was new ? " Will you help me ? " The boy asked , he smelled desperate but he looked determined . James couldn 't even begin to imagine what he must have been feeling . The boy was happy to curl up on James ' sofa with a blanket . And James was almost absurdly grateful to be allowed to lock and bar the door and collapse on his own bed . He could have called home and his parents would have understood it was an emergency but he could hardly manage to get off his clothes , much less hold a sensitive conversation . He let himself drift off to the steady sound of the shifter 's heart , that way he could keep track of him even in sleep . James hadn 't expected to like the news when he called home for advice , he was jealous of his free time and this disruption was likely to take up a serious amount of it . Even so , he had somehow imagined that he could drop the kid off somewhere for more experienced shifters to deal with and get on with his own life . Not such luck , his mother had been clear , a newly bitten shifter 's senses were not to be trusted , and taking him anywhere with a large shifter population was a monumentally bad idea that would very likely trigger a change , and if he changed , there was not guarantee he would know how to change back . " He needs somebody to guide him through the transformation . " She sounded unnaturally neutral ; James looked down at his half empty coffee cup in despair . He couldn 't possibly be awake . " Guide him ? " He asked , finally , lowering his voice to a whisper . " Are you saying what I think you are saying ? Guiding as in married guiding ? " " It still means a bond ! " He said , too loud , before he forced himself to put his anger into a hiss . " I would have to let him into my mind . " " Well , because you are there and time is short . What is stopping you ? " Her voice shifted . " Have you met someone ? If you have a partner … " " No . " James cut her off . " I haven 't met anyone , I just don 't want to tell a kid I just met that I need to … That to help him I need to sleep with him . " " Sean ? " He echoed , voice catching in his throat . He hadn 't seen Sean in person in three years , since he had packed his bags and left him and their pack in the middle of the night . It was true . His siblings were either too young or had partnered up , as had all his cousins except Stella and not even he would suggest something so outrageous . Sean would come , Sean would have followed him here if James had let him . But James had not let him . He couldn 't have , knowing how he not simply needed but adored their forests , not remembering the way he had flinched when visiting the mining town nearest to the ranch . It was the only thing that made him feel any better about the way he had treated Sean at all . And desire , he wanted Sean still , he wanted him in a way that had made him a little hopeless about all his subsequent relationships . But he knew it wasn 't about Sean ; James wanted someone in his bed that he could run with . Sean fit the bill , that was all . As with the forest , that wasn 't enough for James to build a relationship on . Sean might have accepted , but it would have been a mistake . James could not be his whole life and there was no other life for him in the city . So he had left without telling him and made damn sure to cover his tracks , both physical and electronic , in case Sean got desperate enough to try and get somebody to search that way . Last year , he had finally called and Sean - after some pained questioning about his leaving - had been eager to visit but James was older now and he knew that if he allowed it , they would easily fall into their old pattern . He could easily make Sean stay . The reason was simple : James had entered his mind and somehow had changed something there . It was the same reason he was afraid to help the boy , he knew how to shift but he did not know how to touch someone without touching all of them . " Is there something I need to know ? " He asked , defeated . This new information didn 't change the one basic fact that had led him to ask : There was a person in his sofa who was going to die if James didn 't help him , possibly after killing someone else . " Nothing you don 't know already , " his mom replied , she knew about Sean . James had had to tell her when his friend had refused to acknowledge there was anything to his new feelings but the consequences of an intimate encounter . She reminded him anyway . " He cannot have time now , but give him time after , keep him close , make sure he is dealing with it . He won 't know what to do with his new senses once they really open up to him , much less the instincts . " She hesitated . " Sometimes once it 's not enough . " James closed his eyes and growled his frustration , he felt his body hair stand on end , his skin itched , begging for the relief of shifting . He ignored it . He had no intention of destroying his living room and changing inside was a painful experience for an animal as large as a bear . " I will call you after , " he promised and hung up . It was eleven already , later than James had slept in ages . It was still too early for this . The boy stared and James realised that very moment that he could not use his name to calm him down because he did not know it . " I never asked your name . I 'm James , by the way . " He lowered his hands and offered his right . He breathed in , visibly calming himself down and perched on the sofa 's arm . But he wasn 't calm ; not really , he kept his gaze focused on James , as if he was a predator that couldn 't be trusted not to go for the throat if given the chance . " Alex , " he said and his heartbeat skipped a beat . He was lying about his name ? Maybe he didn 't like his name , but people who used nicknames didn 't think of them as lying . It didn 't really matter , his body was telling James more than enough of his story was true . He was a new shifter , he didn 't know how to control his senses . Or the change itself . James had calmed violent people by talking them down in the past and knew well that contradicting him wouldn 't get him far . " Listen , Alex , " he said , " I will order something for us to eat . I have got nothing but , " he turned towards the kitchen , and sniffed . " Cereal and very mouldy cheese . " He turned to find the boy frowning at him . " You can tell what 's in the kitchen by smell ? " He asked , his face making it clear how unlikely he found that . Maybe without knowing it , Alex could sense the truth of his words . His steady heartbeat , his worry , because he dropped the anger like it was too heavy to carry one more minute . " Oh , god . You 've got to be kidding me ! How is this even happening ? " " I asked for your help because I could tell you were a werewolf ! And I could only tell because I 'm one , too . How is that happening ? " " You could be . " James inhaled but it didn 't tell him anything he didn 't already know . " I haven 't really met any before , I can 't quite tell . " Alex just stared at him , he couldn 't tell what type of shifter he was but it 's absolutely obvious that he was confused as hell . James took a seat and resigned himself to an impromptu seminar on the topic . " There are many types of shifters , we call them all shifters or were because we are all human sometimes . Werewolves just kept getting caught in the middle ages and that 's why they are more popular with humans . Or unpopular , I suppose . They are not even one of the largest populations of shifters in the world . " He didn 't bother to hide his annoyance . James shook his head . " It 's not about physically changing , it 's about … your mind needs to become the animal , too . But you can 't do it alone , you don 't know how , you have never been an animal , just in the body of one . " " Killed ? ! " Alex exclaimed , voice going high . Having the possibility brought up didn 't send him into denial , though , on the contrary , what he wanted were assurances of his innocence . " How do you know I haven 't ? " It was strange to meet a human who could contemplate himself hurting someone so easily , then James realised he was an idiot . Of course Alex believed a were could be a monster , the only shifter he knew besides James actually was one . " I know , you smell like canine , you probably wouldn 't try to go for a human . Unless you were in a city and they scared you or … " He swallowed , hesitating , but he couldn 't pull his punches now if he wanted to convince him , either . " Unless they were small , " he finished . " Oh god . " Alex said in a small voice . " Are you trying to scare me so I listen to you ? Why would the … the animal be hungry if I 'm eating ? " " I just want you to understand , " James said in a voice as soft as he could manage , he put a tentative hand on Alex 's knee . Alex let him . " Nothing has happened yet . But wild animals aren 't safe , it doesn 't matter how well fed they are . " He met the other man 's eyes and promised , " We can stop it from happening . " James swallowed , there was no way the explanation would go over well . " Shifters don 't just change , there 's other things that are different about us . We have a connection to the animal part of ourselves , we can go into our unconscious mind . " He made himself meet Alex 's gaze , hoping to seem honest . " We can go into other people 's , too , under very special circumstances . " " You want to read my mind ? " Alex asked , sounding dubious . He shuffled back till James was forced to remove his hand and then he stood , apparently incapable of having this conversation and meet James ' eyes at once . " No , not read it , I need to connect to it . I need to show you how my mind works with the animal mind so you can do the same . It 's more like you will be seeing my mind . " " Crazy is whoever bit you without asking or explaining . " James replied , getting angry even if Alex was the last person he should be getting angry at . " Do you know who it was ? " Alex tensed at the question . The answer was obviously yes . He sat back down on the sofa , tugging his too large trousers up . All the fight and all the fear gone to be replaced by sadness so profound he seemed to be drowning in it . " I think so . " " My girlfriend , she … She caught me cheating but she said it was okay and then she asked me to come with her to meet her folks . " He exhaled . " Of course I went . " " No , not … she changed . She took me to this spot in the forest , her ' childhood hideout ' and she changed in front of me . " He was shaking now , remembered emotion taking over him . " I thought I was going crazy , like , I had seen her change but I couldn 't believe it . I ran … " James winced and Alex stopped . Running from a predator was pretty much like presenting yourself as prey ; even pups knew that if somebody ran from them , it meant they should give chase . " She went after you . " " Do you think it was an accident ? " James asked , desperate to interrupt his speculations . It wasn 't a fair situation , it wasn 't fair to ask someone who had never heard of shifters to react sensibly when something like that happened to them , but he didn 't think telling Alex that was going to help . " That she didn 't mean to bite you ? " " No . " Alex sounded angry himself all of sudden . " It was no accident , she took me there and she changed into a … " He stopped himself with difficulty . " Into something that could kill me . " " Yes , of course , that wasn 't accidental , but later , when you were running from her , do you think she just grazed you ? It 's a bit like the way dogs will play with you by trying to bite you . Sometimes they do bite harder than they meant to . " Alex stared at him . Then stood and started unbuttoning his shirt . James didn 't speak , but he couldn 't help the sound that escaped his throat when he saw the teeth marks on Alex 's abdomen . " Does this look like a little playing getting out of hand to you ? " " I think so , I don 't remember much , after … the pain . " Alex looked away , an intense look on his face . " I just wanted to come home and I got here somehow . I quit my job ; I have been sleeping on couches … I don 't want her to find me . " " Almost twenty , but still , it 's been three months and I cheated on her . Why the hell … ? " He looked down at his still uncovered chest . " I moved . " " I tried to run , " he said once again . " I moved , I don 't think she wanted to … I was on the ground , she jumped for me , I scrambled back . " His hand moved to the wound , already scarred over and high on his left side . Then they both watched as his hand slid up to his upper chest till it rested right over his heart . " Oh , god , " James said , stunned . " She tried to kill you . This is even worse than I thought . We have to report her . " " I don 't know ! " Alex exploded . " But if she tells my parents , they will never speak to me again . It will ruin my life . " Alex got up and started to pace in front of the sofa , he probably didn 't know it but he was comforted by marking his territory . James wasn 't so pleased about the endeavour himself but he gritted his teeth and allowed him the small comfort . " No , no , no . " Then he looked at James , and his face filled with a mix anxiety and hope . " You said you would help . Do the mind thing … " Alex 's eyes widened . " Oh , god . That 's … that 's fucked up . " Then he seemed to think of something . " That 's how she knew . The fucking bitch . " " You were lying to her , " James pointed out . Sure , he had an unfair advantage but it 's not like Alex should have been lying to him , considering what James had rescued him from . And he sure as hell shouldn 't have been lying to his girlfriend , not before she 'd turned out to be a murderous psychopath , at least . " I was lying to me . I was … I was trying to figure it out before breaking it off with her . And anyway , I can lie if I want to , she was lying to me to , wasn 't she ? But I couldn 't tell . " James had had enough . " Look , here , I just had one of the worst conversations of my life with my mother to try and find a way to help you . And let me tell you , I do not like the way she found . She pretty much told me I had no choice but do it , or kill you before you murdered someone . " James repressed his need to shift uncomfortably under his gaze and told him , " If you change , you are going to kill something sooner rather than later . Maybe you get lucky and it 's just a rat , maybe you are bigger than I think and it 's a person . If you don 't get help … I might have no other choice . " " Were . A werebear to be more specific . We all are . It 's inherited . Bitten shifters are rare . " James shook his head . " Stop trying to distract me . Tell me the truth . " It was an extravagant name . James frowned , trying to think where he 'd heard it before . But Hadrian didn 't make him go through the effort , adding . " Attenburo . " " Yes . The fuck up who is not in college , that kid . And now this … " He huffed and paced some more . James had the distinct impression that he was not referring to the supernatural turn his life has just taken . " Hadrian , " James concentrated on making it a command and the boy turned to look at him . " I will never say a word . I can 't say I know what you are going through . My parents never minded , but I get the bullshit from everybody else just the same . " Hadrian 's eyes ran all over him , as if trying to find … what ? A hint of pink ? Some multi - coloured accessories . " Oh . Um … thanks for telling me . " " I would have had to tell you anyway . I can 't guide you through the shift without … I mean , we need to , " he exhaled , massaging his brow more to cover his face than because he could develop a tension headache . " We need to sleep together . " He could have kicked himself , he hadn 't meant to blurt it out like that but he had been talking around it for too long . " It 's not … the sex , per se , it 's the trust . Going into someone 's mind requires trust . Rather a lot , really . And intimacy … sex provides both . " " Trust ? " Hadrian laughed , incredulous . It was not a nice laugh . " Why am I going to trust you because you are sticking your dick in me ? " James turned slightly towards him , briefly met his eyes and then tried to recall the way his mother had explained it to him once upon a time , when he had smashed into puberty and become so desperate for touch he had ended up confessing because he had been sure it had to be supernatural . " You know how we act the way we think and speak ? Well , we think the way we act . If you do something that shows you trust me , you will trust me . " Hadrian immediately backed himself into the couch and fell onto it . James raised his hands , it wasn 't a very meaningful gesture coming from someone whose hands could turn into deadly sharp claws at any moment but hopefully Hadrian would read it the human way . " Just a spoken a lesson . " James sighed , put upon . He didn 't see why anybody would need to question the usefulness of super - hearing . " There 's other things , " he admitted . " Sweat , fidgeting . Minute movements that are obvious when you have the very keen vision of a predator . But let 's stick to heartbeat for now . " Hadrian 's gaze unfocused . He was quiet for a moment but his breathing started accelerating . " I can 't do it ! I don 't know what I 'm looking for . I just hear a lot of … " He waved a hand around . " Noise . Cars and beeping and … " He listened intently . " Cats . They are yowling like crazy . " James thought for a moment , he had simply filtered out background noise without being told to do so , but he had learnt later how to focus all of his senses to get the most of them . The principle was simple : You started close enough that it wasn 't hard to perceive and moved away slowly while keeping your eyes , or nose , or ears on the thing . " Okay . Take my wrist , " he offered , extending his arm but not moving from his spot . Hadrian eyed him warily but stepped forward and took his wrist in his hand , positioning his fingers easily to find the pulse . " There . Now listen to it for a minute . " " Now let go but don 't stop listening . " Hadrian let his wrist slip from shaky fingers but stayed close , breathing shallowly . James gave him a minute to get used to it before he decided it was time to test Hadrian 's focus . " I will tell you some things now , you have to tell me if it 's true or not . " " I have a sister called Nen , she prefers being a cub to a kid and we are all worried she 's going to disappear into the forest and not come back one day . " Hadrian nodded , eyes closed . " My boyfriend doesn 't know I 'm a werebear . " James laughed . " There 's plenty of gay shifters , , but not in the city . We need to run and you can 't run in a park if you are a bear . A wolf might pass as a wild dog in the dark but not a bear and not a puma , certainly . Shifters and cities don 't mix . " " You are suffering , " Hadrian said , not objecting but curious . James did not know how he knew , then he realised that his pulse was speeding up as he spoke of being here and , inevitably , thought of being back in the ranch , free to run . Free but bound to the pack , not alone anymore but … " That 's stupid . You know about them , it 's not like I can see something or hear something you don 't know about . If you can fake a pained tone , you can fake a calm heartbeat . " " Now close your eyes and imagine waking up with the sun every day , and going through the same tasks , and talking to the same people . Except at some point you stop talking , because what 's the point ? There 's nothing to say that isn 't about the work anyway . There 's no talking , just … exchanging information . " But James was on a roll , he was still so angry at the choice he had had to make out of two shitty ones : Lose his family or lose himself . " And then you change more and more often because it 's the only thing that feels good anymore . You sleep in the forest and neglect your duties and people get angry but you can 't stop , either , because the idea of changing every night is the only thing that gets you through the day and , " he took a deep breath . " When you are a bear … you just are . There is no doubt and no fear , and there aren 't a million things you are missing on . A bear doesn 't waste anything ; it does what it wants when it wants , and what it wants it 's what it needs , and what it needs it 's what it wants . " He had been so close to taking it , too . It had come to that in the end , not even a choice between himself and his family . Leave the bear behind , or stay and let the man disappear . He looked away , a little embarrassed at having shared so much in such a rush . But he felt better too , lighter . Nothing had changed but at least somebody knew . Hadrian didn 't understand , couldn 't understand , but he was here and he was listening . It was a lot more than he 'd had for a long time . James exhaled , upset but trying not to get angry . " This isn 't about fucking . Yes , I 'm gay and you are hot . I still don 't want to be inside your mind , or invite you over into mine . This is beyond intimate . This is what my people do when they marry each other , Hadrian . " James sighed ; he had perhaps oversold his point . He had been honest but maybe it wasn 't a good time for honesty , when honesty wouldn 't change a thing . " There 's nobody else . " " There 's as many gay shifters as gay guys in general but I told you : shifters don 't really live in cities . There 's a young female werepuma around East Side , keeps to herself when we meet at the reserve , and a guy who is a water were living in a boat . We crossed paths when I walked a client to one of the restaurants that look onto the river . That 's it as far as I know . " James frowned , the way his mother had put it had seemed that after a person was bitten there wasn 't any time at all , let alone weeks . " Two weeks ? " He echoed . It wasn 't . Although the meaning was completely accidental . It had been the last day of the waning crescent phase , a time when the moon 's light hardly reached Earth and might not have reached Hadrian at all in the middle of the firework shows . Shifters , like every living thing , were affected by the moon 's cycles . It was possible to stop yourself from changing during the full moon , even at its peak , but it wasn 't natural . A shifter needed to shift and the moon gave you a damn good reason , whatever else was happening in your life . Most shifters took the chance with joy ; packs all over the country would be howling and running wild in their territories . James himself had learned to capitalise on the restless energy that coursed through him and use it to work frenetically through the night instead . He felt like crap in the morning but he also felt like the victorious champion in a battle against a universe that had , once again , failed to subdue him into doing its will . He turned to Hadrian . " You got lucky ; she bit you on am almost moonless night , now we are halfway through the cycle , though . The need to change will get stronger . " It was only going to get harder going forward and from Hadrian 's desperation earlier in the alleyway , it hadn 't been easy so far . " So it needs to be … as soon as possible . " He deflated . " I believe you . I just … I need time , to process . " He rubbed his arms , as if he was cold . But it would take a blizzard to make a healthy were cold . Hadrian didn 't try to argue . Maybe he could hear James ' was telling the truth , maybe he had used all his arguments up . He asked to use James ' shower and before James had finished telling him about the tabs , the bathroom door was closing with a definite click . |
Yesterday , I went to Stella Niagara in Lewiston , New York , for a painting class . This time , the theme was autumnal scenes . I started by drawing a fence , with fenceposts . Then I added the other elements of the picture : horses , a tree , grass , a bushel basket , apples , and pumpkins . All of the paintings are finished . Each person in the painting class has a different idea of how to depict autumn . We have a great variety of subjects . Each painting says something about the personalities of the artists . Today is the day chosen for October 's sketch crawl day . Alas , it is too cold to sketch outside , so I set up a still life in the living room . The elements that I put in the still life were a vase , a stuffed bear , a jar of honey , and a leaf . First , I started by doing a freehand sketch of the vase , trying , but not succeeding in making both sides identical . That does not bother me because making both sides identical with a freehand sketch is a difficult task ! Fortunately , there are ways of compensating for that . This is how I compensated : I got out a sheet of onion skin paper . I used onion skin because I don 't have any tracing paper . I chose the side of the vase that I liked the best and traced it . Then I flipped the onion skin over and I placed it on the other side of the vase . When you draw directly over the line that you have already made , applying some pressure to the line , the graphite from the pencil will make an impression on the sketch paper . When you take the onion skin paper away , you can see exactly how inaccurate your original sketch was . Simply erase the original lines and reinforce the new line . Here is the completed sketch , with all of my planned elements included . At this point , the only drawing supplies you need are simple ones . I used a number 2 pencil , a Pink Pearl eraser , and a piece of onion skin paper . Because I have decided to use pen and ink as my medium , I begin inking in my drawing , starting with the bear . For this project , I am using Faber - Castell PITT artist pens . I really like these pens for drawing . They come in a variety of widths , so that I can get anything from a fine line to a almost paintbrush - like effect . At this point , I have used two pens : an F for the lines and an SB for the thicker lines and for the bear 's hair . This is the completed drawing . I have used two additional pens : an M for slightly thicker lines and an XS for very narrow lines ( the writing on the honey jar ) . I also added shading , which gives some idea of the light source . I used the SB pen for the shading . The drawing technique that I used for shading , was " stippling , " which basically means that I made lots of dots . So that 's today 's sketch crawl . I hope that you enjoyed watching the process of making a pen and ink drawing as much as I enjoyed making the picture . A sketch crawl is an event for people , not necessarily professional artists , to get together and to draw . It is something that groups of artists do all over the world . People do sketch crawls at museums and they do sketch crawls outside and they do sketch crawls anywhere that it is possible to make a drawing . The opportunities for sketch crawls are virtually limitless . If the group of artists is an internet group who don 't live in one city or town , that group can participate in a virtual sketch crawl . They pick one day and they each go out into their own communities to draw . Then they post their pictures onto the website so that they can see one another 's work . I have been participating in monthly sketch crawls with a Facebook group . In August , I took a chair outside and sketched the black - eyed Susans that filled a large portion of my garden ( see above ) . It was originally just going to be a sketch but I decided to embellish upon it and make it a mixed media drawing , with doodled leaves , instead of realistic leaves . I showed the sketch to my family and friends . They all agreed that I should use the sketch as a basis for a painting . I agreed that would be a good idea . I chose to do a mixed media painting on panel . I had purchased two pieces of panel as an experiment , to see if I liked painting on that sort of surface . I copied my original sketch freehand on the panel and then I painted it with acrylic paints . After the paint dried , I filled in the background with India ink . I chose to make the background very dark so that the flowers would pop out . I wanted the painting to be decorative , rather than realistic . After the ink was dry , I used a correction fluid pen to add the white doodled vines and leaves . Here are the sketch and the painting together . The painting is finished and is framed . For me , it is a happy painting . The black - eyed Susans are now well past their prime outside but I will always have a reminder of these lovely flowers , even when the wind blows piles of snow on top of the garden and the trees are completely naked . If you are interested in doing a sketch crawl , either get a group together or look online for a virtual sketch crawl , and go for it . You never know where it will take you . Synopsis of Previous Bear stories : Bearnacle Bear took his ship to sea and was the unfortunate victim of a terrible storm . He was taken prisoner by the humans . Eventually , he escaped and was able to retrieve his ship and crew and return home . He had been away for so long that the crew , which found shelter on an island , had a whole collection of bear cubs . One of the bear cubs was Sweet Suzie Bear . Bearnacle Bear and his crew had been rescued by the Sea Monster and the Mermaid , who are usually quite elusive . The bears and the humans later became friends . Sweet Suzie Bear grew up and went to art school in the Land of the Humans and later became curator of the Bears Art Gallery . Her most recent exhibit was titled " Modern Art Bear . " It received positive reviews in the publications of bears , humans , and giants alike . Later , Bearnacle Bear took a group , including Beartrand , the radio station bear , and Sweet Suzie Bear , to visit the Land of the Giants . Sweet Suzie Bear kept detailed journals and had a great time . Unfortunately , Beartrand Bear suffered from seasickness . I 'm going to be a sailor , he wrote . Let 's not and say we did , he added later . Back at home , Sweet Suzie Bear enjoys a relaxing moment with a cup of her favorite tea and a jar of honey . She writes in her journal : Ever since I returned home from visiting the Land of the Giants , I have been busy planning for the next art exhibit at the Bears Gallery . It is currently a work in progress . There will be a variety of art styles represented in the next show . Also there will be paintings of Bearnacle Bear 's and my visit to the Prince of Whales and to Mouse City . I will also share the tales of the mice , which they like to title " Mouse Tails . " To be continued . Today , I walked to the beauty parlor . It was a nice , toasty day , and the walk was delightful . I was still feeling happy from having seen an adult deer and a fawn running through the back yard . What beautiful creatures ! So I walked . The beauty parlor is approximately three miles from my house . I had a few errands to run . I figured that I may as well get more than one errand done while out walking . One of the errands was to go pick up a copy of the local weekly newspaper so I could see the article that I had written about domestic violence . Sure enough it was in the newspaper . You can find the article at training hairdressers to recognize signs of domestic abuseAfter I picked up the newspaper , it was time to go to the beauty parlor . I had loads of time so I took my small sketchbook out of my purse and looked around for a magazine . Instead , I made a freehand adaptation of one of the pictures in a children 's book . It features rabbits and scarecrows . It was a lot of fun . So . . . here 's a rabbit and a scarecrow . . . In mid - May , I saw an article in the PennySaver with the title , " Calling All Artists . " I found out that there is a committee that was formed to raised money so that Kaegebein Elementary School could have a playground on the grounds of the school . One of the fundraisers that was chosen was a chair auction . I decided that sounded like an interesting activity for me so I called the school to find out more about it . Plus , I think that all kids should have access to a playground so I wanted to help with this process , and this seemed like the best way for me to help . I found out that the chairs in the library had been replaced and that it was the old chairs that were to be decorated and sold at the auction . I went to the school to fill out a form and to pick up a chair . Above is the chair before I started painting . It was just a regular , well - used chair . I sat on it and thought that it was a nice - sized chair but , then again , I am five feet tall ( aka " fun sized " ) so I can appreciate a smaller chair . The first thing that I did was to paint the chair white . Immediately , I discovered that I did not have a big enough paintbrush for the job at hand . I went to the hardware store , where I decided against the big paintbrush that 's used for walls . Instead , I chose to purchase a paintbrush that is meant to paint trim in a room . I covered the chair white that so that any color that I added to the chair would be more visible . Also , once I started drawing my design , my pencil lines would be more visible , too . That turned out to be a very messy job . My shirt sleeves were covered in white paint . I washed the shirt in a special soap and put it in the laundry at once , which seemed to do the trick of paint removal . It was at this stage that I realized that a child 's chair was actually a rather large object . I managed to polish off a large ( read " enormous " ) tube of acrylic paint . I went shopping for more enormous tubes of acrylic paint , in a variety of colors . The shopping trip was fun and , after buying my art supplies , I got to do a little shopping at the downtown Buffalo farmers ' market , where I bought honey and flowers for my garden ( still a work in progress ) . I painted one portion at a time . When I got to the main part of the chair , I decided to go with an oversized flower . Since I like insects , I chose to add a bee to the picture . This is one time when it is OK to sit on a bee ! Here I am , with the finished chair . It has been sprayed so that the colors don 't run . This is , by far , the largest painting that I 've ever made . It was an interesting project for me , and it definitely took me outside of my comfort zone . It was different and challenging to paint a three - dimensional object . All in all , it was a good experience , and I feel that I have grown as an artist for having done this project . Continuation of Sweet Suzie Bear 's journal : As Jack , the Little Giant , told his story , I saw that some of the bears were having fun with the large dishes and utensils in the banquet hall . They climbed into teacups and posed for pictures . They tried manipulating spoons and forks , and they all looked very silly . That was a fun time . Sitting on the ground underneath a tree was delightful . We heard the story of the Big Giant as we sat underneath the tree . It was a huge tree . I 'm not sure of what kind of tree it is , but I think that it is an ash tree . A mountain ash , maybe . My name is Bobby Allen . I 've been wandering this land for many years . Even among the giants , I am big . There are stories that I eat the tops of trees as if they were broccoli , but that isn 't true . Tree bark isn 't especially tasty , even after soaking in a marinade for a week . I eat regular food , like the other giants , just more of it . I spend a lot of time walking in the forests during the winter , when the trees are naked and the squirrels have fled . I step on the snow and it squeaks beneath my feet . The forest is where I go for quiet . There is a woman who lives in a small house in the forest . She is a human and not a giant , and she left the Land of the Humans many years ago because she wanted to live in the forest . She built her house from the fallen trees and she collects the apples that grow and she collects the berries and the nuts and the garlic that grows wild and the dandelions when they are young and she makes soups and she cans the fruits and so , she has more than enough to eat year round . The woman 's name is Adelise . She plays the flute in the forest . The animals listen to her play , and they dance . I had heard about Adelise playing the flute for the animals but , until I saw her and heard her play the flute , I could scarcely believe it . I 've never heard flute playing like that . Adelise could coax the plants from the ground and she made the squirrels dance up and down the trees . But there was someone who didn 't really like hearing the flute . He was a man named Oscar . He was either a very tall human or a very little giant . I don 't know which . He was extremely grumpy . He went to live in the forest to get away from people because he said that he didn 't like them . I saw him a few times when I visited the forest . He never bothered me much because I am such an enormous giant but he wasn 't very nice to Adelise . One day , Oscar stole Adelise 's flute so that she could not play any more . Adelise was so sad that her flute was gone that she didn 't do anything . She stopped taking care of her food and she didn 't sweep her little house . She didn 't go outside to visit the animals or to find water in the brook . The squirrels stopped dancing up and down the trees . Oscar took the flute back to the cave where he was living . It was a small cave and very damp and kind of cold . Maybe that 's why he got to be so grumpy . Oscar put the flute in a box filled with stuff that he stole from people in the city and people in the countryside . Oscar tried to play with the stuff . He pulled a yo yo from the box and played with that . He played with a deck of cards that was three cards short of a full deck . He played with some old seashells . He clanged the cymbals together with so much force that all of the animals outside of the cave scurried away . As Oscar was playing the the stuff , his attitude changed . He played and played and played and he realized that it was fun to play with stuff and , maybe , it might be fun to play with friends . Oscar began to sing the songs of the forest . Adelise played the flute . The animals came to listen to the music of the forest . One day , Oscar was not there anymore . Adelise looked for him , day after day . She walked away from her little house in the forest . She walked across fields and she climbed hills and she got into a canoe and paddled across a lake , but she could not find Oscar . So she returned to her little house in the forest . The animals welcomed her . It was dark . The animals told her that the sun forgot to rise because she didn 't play the flute . Someday , they said , Oscar would come back for her . I met Adelise after Oscar had gone away . She asked me to share her story , and , so , I have . It is the story of how the little human and the big giant became friends , even though no one believed that little humans and very big giants could be friends . Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : George Junior talks about his life and his experiences and how he decided to become a cook . From Sweet Suzie Bear 's Journal : We have arrived at the Land of the Giants . George Junior and I hopped off the ship together . We spent a lot of time chatting during the voyage and have become good friends . My dad said that he was happy about that because he needed to attend to Beartrand . My dad didn 't want me to be alone and I 'm not alone because I have my friend . Beartrand has not been well . He is the most seasick bear that I 've ever seen , and I 've seen a lot of seasick bears , including my dad , so that 's saying a lot . Anyway , George Junior and I were both excited about being in the Land of the Giants . I brought a camera so that I could take pictures of everything being large . We went to a tea house so that we could have some tea and scones before the evening 's welcome and story telling session . . . and the tea cups and pots were so big ! We were served our tea in a child 's tea party set . It really was funny . Of course , we had to be photographed with the giant tea things . I 'll share another funny tea picture tomorrow . And so , the giants served us a delicious dinner , with soup and stew and salad and something very chocolatey . George Junior knew what it was . He said that it was a moose . I am sure that I have never seen a chocolate moose but he insisted that it was a moose . Hmm . He is a silly goose . . . I mean human . Then , it was time for story telling . The Giants are well known for their ability to spin a yarn and it is hard to tell if it is a true story or just fiction . Here is the story that I heard , as best as I can recall . My name is Jack , and I am a Little Giant . Everyone thinks that all giants are big but that is not true . Some giants are bigger than others and others are littler than others . I am one of the littler giants . When I was a very little giant , I climbed a beanstalk . I always loved beans and the very best beans were on the top of the beanstalk . My mom read to me a story about Jack , who Personal Note : When I was a little girl , my father used to tell stories of a little giant to my sisters and to me . Apparently , he made them up as he went along . None of the stories were written , so we don 't have any record of the stories . I was very young when he told the stories so I don 't remember them . But , in the spirit of inventing stories , as my dad did , I am making up new Little Giant stories . I dedicate this and all other stories about giants , large or small , to the memory of my father , Roy Gerard ( 1920 - 2012 ) . Thank you , Pop , for giving me the love of storytelling . I will love you forever . Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : The sea voyage continues . Sweet Suzie Bear describes life on the sea in her journal . She enjoys swimming with dolphins and she wonders at the flying fish that are attracted to the ship 's lights . From the journal of George Junior : When I was ten years old , my dad and I got lost at sea and were rescued by Bearnacle Bear . My dad had just started working as a fisherman and he wasn 't very good at steering his boat . So we got lost and we drifted aimlessly until the bears rescued us . It was an amazing experience because my dad was a prison guard and Bearnacle had been kept in the prison for , I think , two years . My dad said that he was very mean when he was a prison guard . After Bearnacle ran away , my dad understood that he had treated Bearnacle and others badly . He said that he did not like the person whom he became and he tried to change himself so that he could share kindness with others . He learned how to catch fish so that people could eat and be well fed . My dad talked about " paying it forward , " but I never really understood . I think that it means that , if someone does you a favor , you do the same favor for a third person , preferably someone who doesn 't expect it . Anyway , my dad and Bearnacle ended up by becoming good friends . After Bearnacle brought us safely back home , he stayed with our family for about a week . He told us story after story about the sea , and my dad was happy that he had become a fisherman . Being on the bears ' ship after we were rescued was a real adventure for me . I was so happy to be there . I got to see every part of the ship . My favorite part was the galley , where all of the food was made . I was permitted to help prepare the food . That experience changed my life . Until then , I never thought of anything besides skipping rocks on the water and throwing snowballs and chasing my cousin through the house . After that , I thought about food . I thought about cooking food and baking food and I became a cook , sometimes in a restaurant and sometimes in ships . My dad and I werPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : The Bears came out of hibernation . Bearnacle Bear set sail , with Beartrand the radio announcer bear and Sweet Suzie Bear . Beartrand was quite seasick but he managed to cope and his talents as an announcer were very much in demand during social events . Sweet Suzie Bear was more adjusted to ship travel , as she was born during Bearnacle 's first journey and , as a result , had her first sea journey when she was very young . An excerpt from Sweet Suzie Bear : We are getting closer to the Land of the Giants . I had been there when I was a little cub but I barely remember anything , except that the Giants were indeed very large . I am looking forward to meeting them . I have been told that they are the best story tellers in the world and that they have a whole series of stories about a Little Giant . I am looking forward to hearing the stories . The trip has been beautiful and quite delightful . Bearnacle is a great captain . He is happy to be at sea and he really knows everything about the ship . Anytime I have a question , he takes the time to give me a complete answer . Like I wanted to know about the flying fish that come out when the lights are shining from the ship at night . It was amazing to watch the flying fish jump up to four feet out of the water and then go back in again . They come in large schools of fish and they jump as a group and , wow , that is amazing . One of these days , I might paint a picture of flying fish jumping as a group . I played a little bit with mixed media but , mostly , I just watched the water . Yesterday , we got treated to a show of dolphins leaping and dancing near the starboard side of the ship . A few crew members got into a life boat and jumped into the sea from that . They danced with the dolphins in the water . I watched for a while and then one of the crew members invited me to come dance with the dolphins , too , so I did . The water felt cold at first but it didn 't take long for me to get used to it . I swam with the dolphins and , oh , there is nothing like it . What a treat ! I will never forget swimming with the dolphins ! It was one of the most joyous experiences that I 've ever had . Tomorrow , we will arrive at the Land of the Giants . Bye for now ! love , Sweet Suzie Bear Synopsis of Friday 's episode : The bears went into hibernation amidst the snow and wind and coldness of winter . When the bears awoke from hibernating , soft little leaves had sprouted from their buds and the trees were covered with flowers . It was time for Bearnacle Bear to take another voyage with his crew . He had some guests who were coming along for the trip to visit the Land of the Giants . The guests were the human fishermen George and George Junior , the radio station announcer Beartrand , and the artist Sweet Suzie Bear . An entry from the diary of Beartrand , the radio station bear : It has been four days since we left our homeland . Before we left , there was a big parade to celebrate our sea journey . Very few bears have ever visited the Land of the Giants . We only know about the Land of the Giants because of the shipwreck that Bearnacle experienced while on his first voyage as a captain . I remember when I first met Bearnacle . It was shortly before I interviewed him . I had no idea that he was a sea captain . I even thought that Bearnacle regularly stowed away on ships and that he was a petty crook . Well , nothing could be further from the truth , although , as it turned out , Bearnacle did stow away on a ship when he was a cub and he didn 't want to go to school . So he wandered away from school one day and he saw a ship in the harbor with the gangplank down . He wanted to look at the ship and he walked up the gangplank and started poking around below deck . Before he could get off the ship and go home , the ship departed with Bearnacle on it ! The ship 's crew treated him like a mascot and , after that , Bearnacle decided to be a ship 's captain . When he returned home after a short sea voyage , Bearnacle 's parents were mad and his teachers were mad and his brothers were jealous ! Well , anyway , I never got to have such an adventure when I was a cub so I suppose that I should be jealous , too . But no . I don 't think so . I 'm happy with the path that I took . I always wanted to be a radio announcer . I loved all of the new music and I sang iPosted by Hibernation : Hibernation in bears lasts up to seven months . Bears do not eat , drink , pee , or poop when they are hibernating . Hibernation is almost like being in suspended animation or stasis . Bears will go into hibernation when the weather becomes cold and , when spring begins , the bears come out of hibernation . The bears hibernate because , in the winter , their favorite foods ( nuts and berries ) become difficult to obtain . Bears survive on their stored fat . Shortly before hibernation time , bears eat massive quantities of food , building up fat in their bodies . The bears ' heartbeat becomes extremely slow , about ten beats per minute , and the bears ' body temperature drops dramatically . During hibernation , bears can lose anywhere from fifteen to forty percent of their body weight . Bearnacle Bear , Bertrand , Sweet Suzie Bear , and all of the other bears have gone into hibernation . Hibernation Haiku : snow falls on oak trees , covering branches with white . Time for bears to sleep . Naked trees stand tallall the fruit has been picked cleannothing left to eat . A dark den awaitsas bears sleepily crawl inhibernation time . The sun sets earlyand stars glitter in the nightearth 's beauty is cold . Sleep well , little bear , may your dreams be beautifulin your long , long sleep . Monday 's tale : The bears wake from their hibernation , and Bearnacle Bears and friends begin their voyage to the Land of the Giants . Today , I went to Stella Niagara , in Lewiston , New York , for a painting class . Normally , I go twice a month to this class . Two weeks ago , the class was canceled , due to terrible weather . It was snowing sideways , creating whiteout conditions , so I was happy to stay at home and paint a bear . Today , it was relatively warm and it was sunny , so I went to paint at Stella Niagara . The theme of the class was flowers done in a Chinese style . We had to adapt the lesson because we didn 't really have the proper tools to make the painting look Chinese . The main tool that we were lacking was a very soft paintbrush . Our instructor , Virginia , told us that we would find the paintbrushes to be difficult to handle and that we would need one class session just to learn how to manipulate the paintbrush . We will have such a lesson at some point in the spring . This morning , before I went to the class , I watched a video on the Internet that demonstrated a Chinese technique of painting flowers . It was interesting to watch . The artist used a lot of paint and a lot of water . He began to paint immediately , without making a sketch first . He spoke in Chinese , without any subtitles , so I didn 't understand a word of it , but I did enjoy watching it . Click on the video below and you can watch and listen , too , if you like . The painting at the top was the start of my painting . I used red paint and added lots and lots of water . Here , I am adding details to the flower , as well as a little yellow . I add more leaves and more detail , until I reach this point . This is when I decide that the painting is finished . One of the more challenging things for me when doing watercolor is making the decision not to paint anymore . It is very easy to overwork a watercolor painting ! And here we go ! The completed painting ! A large flower , which is really a pleasure to see in the middle of the winter . It is a type of lily . I had a load of fun making this painting . Watch the video and enjoy ! Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Beartrand Bear enjoyed the reception and he also interviewed Sweet Suzie Bear . She let him know that she wanted to go to the Land of the Giants , along with Beartrand Bear , Bearnacle Bear , and his crew . Beartrand Bear enjoyed a wide variety of foods and he walked around the gallery , viewing the paintings . There were a wide variety of styles . Most of the paintings featured bears in different places . Some of the bears were realistic and others were abstract . A few of the paintings featured only color and form and no bears or humans or giants . One of those paintings looked very geometric and fascinating . One side of the painting was all primary colors ( red , yellow , and blue ) , and the other side of the painting was all secondary colors ( orange , purple , and green ) . Beartrand took a look at the artist 's statement . " In art school , I spent a lot of time making color wheels , as do all art students . I learned that colors are connected to each other and that the world is full of color . Art is about color and shape . And , because color and shape are life , art is life . Without art , the world would not know joy . Our world would be less colorful and more dull . I am so fortunate that I can share this vision with the world through my painting . Therefore , I have named this painting ' A World of Color , A World of Life . ' As you go about your life in the beautiful Land of Bears , I hope that you will always notice the colors of the world . ' " Beartrand Bear went to the studio to finish reporting on the evening 's event . He was happy and ready to hibernate . Friday 's episode : The Bears hibernate . There will be a surprise waiting for you on Friday . Tomorrow , I will take a break to share the painting that I will do at Stella Niagara at my art class there . Notes about today 's painting : Piet Mondrian ( 1872 - 1944 ) contributed to a movement called De Stijl , which is a Dutch term , meaning " the style . " Another name for De Stijl is " neoplasticism . " The style is nonrepresentational and abstract . It is focused on geometric shPosted by Synopsis of yesterday 's story : Beartrand Bear went to the opening reception of the Modern Art Bear show . He interviewed Bearnabus Bear , the owner of the gallery . He was surprised by Bearnacle Bear , who invited him to join the next sea voyage , to begin after the bears wake from their hibernation . They were going to visit the Land of the Giants . Beartrand wondered when Sweet Suzie Bear would be ready for an interview but , in the meantime , there was food to eat and conversations to be had . Bearbara , the opera singer , pushed through the crowd to talk to Beartrand . She always liked hearing her voice on the radio and she looked disappointed that he had put his microphone away . He realized that she would like to be interviewed so he took his microphone out of its case and pointed it at Bearbara 's face . Her face lit up because she truly thrived on attention . " Bearbara , what motivated you to come to the opening of the Modern Art Bear show ? " " Oh , I just love modern art , almost as much as opera ! The two go together sort of like peanut butter and jelly . " " Peanut butter and jelly ? " asked Beartrand , surveying the table full of food . He suddenly realized that he was holding a microphone but no plate . He picked up a plate and tried to put food on it but failed because he did not have a free hand . Bearbara did collect brie cheese , Camembert , crackers , melon balls , grapes , and strawberries . She began eating delicately , trying not to crunch while she was being interviewed . " Oh yes , peanut butter and jelly . Soup and crackers . You know . Things that go together . Anyway , I thought that I would meet people and talk to the media and do all of those fun things . " Suddenly bored with the interview , Bearbara abruptly walked away . Beartrand turned off the microphone . He filled a plate with food and started eating . He was hungry and knew that it was time to fatten up before he began his hibernation cycle . Just as Beartrand took a taste of the brie cheese , up walked Sweet Suzie Bear . " Would you like to come to my office ? I have time to do the interviePosted by Synopsis of Friday 's story : Beartrand Bear tried to interview Sweet Suzie Bear but was foiled once again . The first time , he was foiled by the presence of a school group . This time , he was foiled by a caterer who came to discuss the menu for that evening 's reception . Beartrand Bear brought his handy dandy microphone to the reception at the Art Museum . He could tell that Sweet Suzie Bear was easily distracted and that doing the interview with her was going to be more challenging that he had anticipated . A line had formed outside of the Art Museum . The bears and even a few humans were dressed up and were ready for an evening that involved food and fundraisers . A tall bear stood near the door . Beartrand Bear recognized the tall bear as Bearnabus , the owner of the art gallery . " Would you like to talk to my listeners about the Art Museum ? " asked Beartrand breathlessly as he waved the microphone as close to Bearnabus ' face as he could . Since Beartrand was a rather short bear , he couldn 't reach the microphone to Bearnabus ' face . Bearnabus took the microphone and held it to his face . " Of course . I am always happy to talk about my Art Museum . It is a real treasure in Bear Land . Even the humans who come from the Land of the Humans and the giants who come from the Land of the Giants like visiting our Art Museum and seeing the creativity of our artistic Bears . I would also like to mention that everyone is welcome to donate to the museum so that we can have more exhibits like the Modern Art Bear show . " " When can people come visit the show and how do they make donations to the museum ? " " The museum is open Tuesdays through Saturdays from ten o ' clock in the morning until seven o ' clock in the evening for the next two weeks , which is when we go into our hibernation cycle . As for making donations , we have cans and jars and envelopes for these donations . We also offer memberships to the museum . When you come to the museum , just ask about the membership and one of our helpful staff will be happy to assist you . " " Thank you very much , " said B " As a student at the art academy in the Land of the Humans , I met a family of giants . One giant , named Tina , asked if she could pose for a photograph with me . She wanted the photograph to be done in the wild forest , so we went out to an area with big leaves and giant trees . After the photography session , I used the photograph of Tina and me as the basis of a painting . When Tina isn 't posing for photographs , she is an opera singer and vocal coach . " " Hey Beartrand , " Bearnacle Bear announced without even bother to say " hello " or " how are you " or any of the things that were said at the beginnings of conversations . " We are going on a sea voyage to the Land of the Giants and we want you to come with us so that your listeners can hear the giants stories . There is a special giant that everyone calls the Little Giant . All of the stories are about the Little Giant . Will you come with us ? " Beartrand was so startled at the invitation that he almost forgot to respond and he almost forgot that he had a live microphone in his paw . " Um , er . Yes . Oh ! The microphone . Listeners ! I am going to have an adventure and I will share it with you . " Beartrand turned off the microphone and stopped taping . " When do we leave ? " " Three days after we finish hibernating . " And with that , Bearnacle and his first mate ran over to see Sweet Suzie Bear . Beartrand wondered when Sweet Suzie Bear would be ready for an interview but , in the mean time , there was food to eat and conversations to be had . . . Tomorrow : The reception continues . Notes about today 's painting : " Self Portrait with Monkey , " painted in 1938 , was one of many self portraits painted by Frida Kahlo , a Mexican artist who was married to Diego Rivera , a famous muralist . Frida Kahlo ( 1907 - 1954 ) painted many self portraits . Her artwork was described at various times as naive or primitive or as surrealistic . Frida Kahlo disagreed with the surrealistic label and said that her paintings represented reality , rather than dreams . " So sorry , " said Sweet Suzie Bear . " I do have to take care of this . Will you come to the event tonight ? There will be delicious food and loads of nectar , and we can do the interview then . Why don 't you invite your listeners ? The event is open to the public . " Sweet Suzie Bear and her assistant left , and Beartrand walked over to the painting titled " A Bear Screams . " He wondered what the artist was thinking and what the bear in the painting was screaming and covering his ears . Beartrand remembered a time when he was screaming and covering his ears . It turned out that he had an ear infection and his ears were ringing for about three weeks after he went to the Bear Clinic . He was just a bear cub at the time and his mama bear poured all sorts of smelly stuff in his ears so that they would stop hurting . It was winter , and he was happy when it was time to hibernate . After he woke up , his ears did not hurt anymore . " What is the difference between a bear singing and a bear screaming ? Visually , maybe not too much . Either way , the bear is trying to get out a message that is probably urgent so the bear is using unusual methods of communication . Notes about today 's painting : Edvard Munch 's " The Scream " was painted four times , between the years 1893 and 1910 . Two of these were done in pastel and two were painted , probably in oils . Edvard Munch ( 1863 - 1944 ) was Norwegian , and the styles that he was known best for included expressionism and symbolism . " The Scream " is considered to be an autobiographical painting . For more information about this fascinating painting , take a look at this webpage : The Scream ! Beartrand Bear woke up early in the morning . He was excited about going to the art museum and reporting on site about the newest art exhibit . He had made an appointment to have the art museum 's curator , Sweet Suzie Bear , tell him about several paintings that were being featured in the exhibit . After a delicious breakfast of bread and jam and tea , Beartrand Bear set off for the art museum . It was a cold day . Beartrand wondered why he hadn 't started hibernating yet but he figured that a good hibernation could wait until after the art museum visit . When Beartrand Bear , carrying his handy dandy microphone and recording device , arrived at the art museum , he saw Sweet Suzie Bear surrounded by a group of bear cubs and their teacher . Sweet Suzie Bear called Beartrand Bear over . " I 'm giving this class a tour of the museum , and you are welcome to join us , " Sweet Suzie Bear said . The group immediately went to the stairs and climbed up one flight , where the new exhibit was being displayed . A colorful sign was on the door . It read , " Bears in Modern Art : A Retrospective . " " Does anyone know what the word ' restrospective ' means ? " asked Sweet Suzie Bear . No one did . The students , the teacher , and Beartrand did not know the meaning of the word " retrospective . " " Well , usually , the word is used to describe looking back at the career of one artist . What has that artist done in the past and how did the artist 's work change over time ? At our museum , we are using that word a little differently . We are looking at a subject , which is Bears in Modern Art and how bears have been depicted in paintings . Does anyone have any questions before we go look at a painting ? " " What is modern art ? " " Are the paintings big or little ? " " Where is the bathroom ? " Sweet Suzie Bear answered all of the questions . She said , " What is modern art is a very good question ? Does anyone have an idea ? " " It is art that is not ancient , like cave art , " said one small bear cub . " That is a very good answer , " said Sweet Suzie Bear . " There is a little bit more . Modern artists create new aAlice Gerard Synopsis of yesterday 's episode : Bearnacle Bear and the crew are welcomed to the Land of the Humans when they bring George and Little George home . Bearnacle is even given the key to the city by the mayor . After a week of new friendships , it is time for the ship to return to the Land of the Bears . We had a tearful goodbye with our human friends and we got into our ship and sailed away . A few days later , we returned home . It felt good to see our own coastline . We had been gone for a long time . My parents looked older than I remembered them . Their faces looked tired , but happy . We ate the best foods and drank our fill of nectar . We were serenaded by the Bearish Chorus , made of bears of all ages . It was a delight to hear all of the Bear music . We all sang the Bear Anthem together . Late at night , I walked alone to the coast . I wanted to see the sea . It would be a while before I would go on another journey of exploration . For now , I was going to heal and enjoy home and family . The sea monster and the mermaid were just off the coast , floating gracefully in the calm sea . The sea looked like a sheet of glass , reflecting the full moon . The mermaid sang : Sun and moon and starsshine beautifully for youthey will never leave . A cold wind blows throughand old leaves fly from the treesthey are swept away . The snow flies sidewaysunderneath dark cloudy skiesof frozen winter . Crocuses pop outwith pastel colors and lightWorld being reborn . The sea monster added , " We are never far . You can see us when you venture forth again . We 'll just say so long but never good bye . " And with a swish of the tails , both the sea monster and the mermaid were gone . Later , I told my friends about the sea monster and the mermaid and her songs but all assured me that I had probably enjoyed too much nectar . Back in the radio station : Beartrand Bear said , " Well , that was one heck of a tale . Thank you so much . That suggestion of nectar was a good one . How about if I treat you to a glass or two ? " " OK , " said Bearnacle Bear . " But I want to tell you one last thing before we sPosted by Alice is a freelance writer / photographer / artist / master gardener . She is currently participating in a 52 week photography challenge , organized by Dogwood Photography . You can follow alice on twitter ; her handle is @ alicesbears |
When my mother passed away , at 85 years old , I inherited her house … and her tiny Maltese dog , Jeffy , who was not housebroken . Lucky me ! I had just lost a dog of my own and vowed I would never get another . But what could I do , having promised my mother in a weak moment that I would take care of Jeffy if she predeceased him ? Well . . . there was a Plan B . Since I couldn 't live in two houses at once , and it was going to take a lot of sweat and money to get hers into shape to sell , my son , Lee , who had always loved the old home place , said he 'd move in and fix it up … letting Jeffy live out his years in the home he was used to . He said , " All I ask is that you take him for periodic grooming and veterinary appointments . " What could be better than that ? The drawback : Lee had a cat . Miss Bits was a large tabby cat with a reputation for being mean … actually , down right dangerous ! Furthermore , she had not been declawed and I was concerned for Jeffy 's safety . But there were no alternatives . My husband was not happy about the prospect of a dog that was not housebroken coming to live with us . So I decided to take Lee up on his offer with the understanding that , if it didn 't work out , I would make other arrangements for Jeffy . Lee and Miss Bits moved in with Jeffy . It didn 't take Miss Bits long to learn that , besides not being very bright , Jeffy had another deficiency . He could not climb stairs . So when Jeffy , who thought he was king of the hill , tried to do his duty and chase Miss Bits - as any self - respecting dog would do - she 'd merely let him pursue her for a while , and then go up to about the third step leading to the second floor , sit down and look back at him triumphantly . Jeffy , looking puzzled , would sit there barking and panting until he got so tired that he 'd give up and lie down to rest . This became an everyday game . Lee had to go to work each morning but felt quite certain that , while he was gone , they got along fine , because he once came in unexpectedly and found them in the kitchen eating together . It seemed that the " evening chase " was just for his benefit . Happily for me , it seemed this arrangement was going to work out after all . Fulfilling my part of the bargain , I took Jeffy for his first grooming . My mother had not been well for over a year and his appearance had been neglected . Maltese have long , thick hair that must be brushed daily to keep them from getting matted . Jeffy was very matted . The groomer took one look and said , " I think the best thing we can do for Jeffy is to cut his coat short - a puppy cut ! " " I don 't know , " I said . " My mother never wanted him cut short . " The groomer smiled . " Since it 's summertime , " she said , " it 's a good time to do it . If you keep it in good shape as it grows , it 'll be all grown out again by cold weather . " It was a good argument and I reluctantly agreed , knowing my mother would never have permitted it . When I picked him up , he was barely recognizable , but looked adorable with his short haircut . From the way he pranced around , it seemed he also felt much better . Now there were just a couple more problems . Lee suspected that Jeffy had worms , as well as infected ears ! A trip to the veterinarian was in order . I called the vet 's office and asked if I could bring a stool sample in , without the dog . They said , " Yes . " So Lee collected the sample and left it in a baggie for me to pick up . I also took an old , nearly empty tube of ear medication hoping they 'd refill it for me . The vet 's assistant took the sample to check , but she said , " As far as the ears are concerned , the doctor says that , because it 's been a while since he 's seen Jeffy , he 'd rather not prescribe medication without seeing him . " " Oh , " I said . " Guess you 'd better make an appointment then . " The only time she had any time soon was 4 : 10 that afternoon and it was now only 2 : 30 . I said , " That would put me in major traffic going home later . " I lived about ten miles away and the evening traffic was dreadful . " But , " I added , " since I 'm already here . . . I suppose I should stay until it 's all done ? " So I made the appointment and went back to Lee 's to wait . To pass the time , I had a conversation with Jeffy , then Miss Bits , listened to music , and walked the floor while talking to my husband on the phone until almost four . When it was finally time to go , Jeffy flatly refused ! I had no idea it would be such an ordeal getting him to go with me . I put him down on the porch to lock the door , and when I tried to pick him up , he lay down and scooted backward until he was under the porch railing . I thought he was going to fall off the porch , but no amount of coaxing would make him get up . Trying to balance my open purse , keys , and a bottle of Dr . Pepper while attempting to pick him up , I dropped the Dr . Pepper , and things started falling out of my purse . Angry words spewed from my mouth and I was embarrassed when I realized we were entertaining several neighbors . I finally put everything down , recovered Jeffy , then slowly picked it all back up and headed for the car . Somehow , I got the door unlocked and got in while angrily shouting at Jeffy - " BAD DOG ! " He whined the whole twenty minutes we had to wait in the waiting room . A boxer growled at him , a cat hissed at him and a large blonde woman tried to make nice conversation with me . I didn 't feel like it , and was glad when someone said , " Mrs . Toney ? " ( My mother 's name was still on the records . ) I didn 't bother to explain that I wasn 't Mrs . Toney . It was easier to just go with it . The doctor checked Jeffy 's ears to find that they were indeed badly infected . He put the first drops in while instructing me , " I want you to do this twice a day for ten days . " I nodded . " The worm test was negative , " he said . At last , something for which to be thankful ! I thought . Arriving at Lee 's , I was grateful to find him home . I took Jeffy in , gave Lee a full report , the eardrops , and left , still hoping to beat the heavy traffic . But I didn 't . It was an exhausting trip … and to make matters worse , I felt guilty about losing my patience with the little dog . I promised myself I 'd never do that again . That was Jeffy 's last trip to the vet . On a Saturday morning , several weeks later , my phone rang . When I answered , Lee said shakily , " I have bad news . " " Not sure , " Lee said . " Perhaps it was a seizure . He didn 't suffer ; just one little cry , some shaking and he was gone . " Lee buried Jeffy in his back yard that afternoon . Although our hearts were aching , we consoled each other with reminders that our joint efforts had given this little orphaned doggie a pretty good life considering all the dreadful things that might have happened to him otherwise . Somewhere in Heaven , my mother is smiling . I enjoyed a lengthy phone conversation with each of them . Having experienced similar changes over the years , we had a lot of catching up to do . Besides growing older ourselves , our children have grown up , married and blessed us with grandchildren - some of whom are now adults . Admitting our advanced ages , we compared ailments , meds , healthy diets , and physical fitness programs - finally agreeing that retirement is the best thing about getting older . And sadly , each of my friends related how devastating it had been losing her husband to an untimely death . After hanging up from the most recent chat , I sat thinking of the good times the two of us had shared years ago , the secrets we 'd tucked away , and especially , the way we 'd laughed . Every time we were together , we found something that made us giggle like school girls . Our friendship was like that - fun ! So why do we lose touch ? When we like some people so much , why do we let years slip by with no contact ? As I pondered this , I thought about something I read a few years ago , written by a young lady from the UK named Jessica Smith . It made a lasting impact on me . Some excerpts follow : Life is like a train ride . We get on . We ride . We get off . We get back on and ride some more . When we are born and we first board the train , we meet people whom we think will be with us for the entire journey . Those people are our parents ! Sadly , this is far from the truth . Our parents are with us for only as long as we absolutely need them . They too have journeys they must complete . We live on with the memories of their love , and guidance . . . their ever presence . There are others who board the train who eventually become very important to us . These people are our brothers , sisters , friends and acquaintances , whom we will learn to love , and cherish . Some people on the train will leave an everlasting impression when they get off . Others will get on and get off the train so quickly , they will scarcely leave a sign that they ever traveled with you . Remember , at any moment during our journey , any one of our travel companions can have a weak moment and be in need of our help . We , too , may need someone we can count on to be supportive and understanding . The biggest mystery of our journey is that we don 't know when our last stop will come . Neither do we know when our travel companions will make their last stop . Not even those sitting in the seat next to us . We 're all on this train ride together . Above all , we should strive to make the ride as pleasant and memorable as we can , right up until we each make the final stop and leave the train for the last time . The old friends that recently came back into my life are only a small sample of those that have traveled on the train with me , but these two , in particular , left an everlasting impression when they got off . I 'm glad they got back on - and delighted that they 've been a part of my train ride ! This story also appears in my book , Somewhere in Heaven My Mother is Smiling ~ In the summer of my sixteenth year , my best friend , Carol , and I spent most of our time together . We took long barefoot walks , went to Saturday matinees at the local movie theater , and had sleepovers - spending most of the night talking and giggling - but our favorite thing to do that summer was go to the roller rink . It was common at that time , for roller rinks to have side walls that were opened to the outside on warm evenings allowing passers - by to enjoy the sights and sounds inside . As lively organ music blared , my best friend and I whirled around and around the wooden floor holding hands . Sometimes , the lights would be turned down low and a kaleidoscope of colors would dance all around us while a soft melody played . They called this a " couples " selection and it was the last skate of the evening . Almost always , a boy would ask me to skate with him . Carol was asked , too . It was so exciting ! One night , I noticed a good - looking boy standing on the outside looking in . He had curly brown hair , cut short , and twinkling eyes that smiled even when his lips didn 't . As he watched me skate , his broad grin exposed perfect white teeth . At first , I tried to ignore him , but soon felt self - conscious and burst into laughter . He laughed , too . Shortly , he came inside and swaggered around the floor that surrounded the skating area - still watching me . This boy was dressed in a most unusual fashion , even for that time . He wore pink pants , a pink and white checked shirt and white buck shoes . Carol took one look , poked me in the ribs and said , " Look , Maggie ! " I said , " I am looking . " She said , " Isn 't he cute ? " Making a face , I said , " Can 't you pick ' em better than that ? " I was not at all impressed with this boy and his peculiar clothes or his superior attitude , but Carol was taken with him ! However , when the last skate was finished and we sat down to take our skates off , he came over to me and started a conversation . " Hi , " he said . " Where do you live ? " " 96th St , " I said . " Where do you go to school ? " he asked . " I go to Peyton High , " I answered . He looked surprised and said , " Well so do I . How come I 've never seen you there ? " " I just transferred from Bingham last year . I 'll be a senior this year . " " Maggie , " I said . He smiled and said , " I 'm Ken . I live on the West Side . I still don 't understand why I never saw you before in a whole school year . " " Don 't know , " I said , picking up my skates and heading for the door … with Carol close behind . " Hey , " Ken said . " Can I call you ? " He called - the very next day . When he asked if I 'd go to a movie with him on Saturday night , I said , " Yes . " What 's wrong with me ? I thought . I don 't even like this guy . He thinks too much of himself . Hope he doesn 't wear that pink outfit again . That was the first of many dates . And with each date , I found myself liking him more . School started and we had a great senior year ! We went to football games , movies , and spent as much time together as possible . The holidays came and we enjoyed them together , too , doing all the fun things young folks do at that festive time of year . Spring soon arrived and so did Prom time . How special that night was ! I in a beautiful long gown wearing the corsage he 'd given me and he in a tux , sporting a red rosebud boutonniere on his white jacket . Those happy days passed much too quickly , although we didn 't realize it at the time . To us , it meant we were almost adults . Finally , the big day came and we had a lovely graduation . We cherish the wonderful memories of that last year of high school together ! Suddenly , it was summer again . My parents were planning my future ; his parents were doing the same for him . Little did they know that we had other plans . One day in early September , while my parents were at work , we eloped . That was many years ago and we 're still spending all our special times together - along with our children , and grandchildren . It was not Alfred Hitchcock 's famous movie that caused my fear of birds , although I do feel a certain kinship with Tippi Hedren 's character when I 'm working in my yard and hear a noisy twittering in the trees . It gives me a chill every time ! It all started many years ago when I was very young . It was common in those days to buy a live turkey for Thanksgiving . Due to poor refrigeration , it had to be chosen , slaughtered , and made oven - ready right before the " big day " . As the story goes , my father brought one home for my mother 's approval , and I , a mere toddler , was quite puzzled to find this strange looking creature walking around in our kitchen . I had no idea what it was but was not about to get close to it , nor would I turn my back on it … and the feeling seemed mutual . While my parents discussed its size and weight , this huge bird and I sized each other up . She stared at me and I stared at her . She took two steps toward me and I took two steps back . She gobbled . I shuddered … and we continued the two - step until my dad grabbed the rope that was around her neck and led her outside . I never wanted to see that big bird again ! But I did when it graced our Thanksgiving table a few days later . Now , that experience alone may not have done lasting damage , except that I was destined to have more " fowl " experiences . A few years later , while playing in my grandparents ' yard and enjoying a cone of ice cream , a large rooster appeared unexpectedly and began flogging me like there was no tomorrow ! That rooster was definitely mad at me ! I threw my ice cream in the air and let out a blood - curdling scream that brought my grandmother to my side … fearing that I had met with a terrible accident . However , when she learned what had happened and that the only thing hurt was my pride , she soothed my ruffled feathers with a peck on the cheek and another cone of ice cream . Reluctantly , I went back to my play - keeping an eye out for that big rooster , to be sure ! That same summer , I visited my maternal grandparents , too . Unaware that they had acquired a parakeet since my last visit , imagine my surprise when I was introduced to Tweety . " I guess a bird in a cage is okay , " I thought … but little did I know that Tweety was allowed to " mingle " occasionally . So when I was sitting in front of the TV one evening and TPosted by A friend recently sent me an old photograph of a young girl standing on a small boat . She looks to be about twelve or thirteen years old . She exudes confidence with the jaunty tilt of her head and one hand perched on her hip . I can 't seem to put this picture out of my sight or out of my mind . After two days , it continues to haunt me . From the age of seven until my late teens , I lived in a house by the river . A dozen or so rickety wooden steps and a narrow path led to the river 's edge , where there was a dock with a couple of rowboats and a small houseboat tied to it . One of the boats was used as a ferry for taking passengers to the other side . There was also a long , log , moss - covered raft secured there . But I was drawn to the river like a hobo to a freight train ! Every chance I got , I headed down the rickety steps and narrow path , and jumped onto the deck of the houseboat . I often took a friend with me . We 'd sit on the edge of the deck dangling our bare feet in the cool , green water . It was especially fun when a paddleboat passed , sending wave after wave crashing against the boat , making it rock back and forth … splashing us as we giggled excitedly . Too often , while sitting on the boat with my back to the shore , I 'd hear a familiar whistle . Turning my head , I 'd spot my dad 's striking figure at the top of the hill , his expression conveying - in no uncertain terms - that I was in a heap of trouble . Reluctantly , I 'd follow him home for my punishment . Sometimes , I would be grounded for days . Other times , the peach tree switch , which I had to cut myself , was applied . But punishment worked for only a short time . When I thought I had my parents ' schedules down pat and could slip away to my favorite place without being caught , I was on my way again . Occasionally , I 'd pick an apple from a nearby tree and munch on it while dangling my feet in the water . Life was good ! Sometimes I got away with it . One day I arrived at the river and the houseboat was gone . I looked in all directions but it was nowhere to be seen . Disappointed , but not to be outdone , I decided to approach unfamiliar territory … the log raft . Barefoot , I stepped cautiously from the pier to the raft and realized at once that it was very slippery … and slimy ! " Oh my gosh " , I thought . " I have to go back " . Turning quickly , I lost my footing and slid off the raft into the murky water . I couldn 't swim ! I didn 't think it was deep this close to shore , but trying to touch bottom proved me wrong . I went under water , bounced back up , sputtering , and trying to grab the raft , but my hands kept sliding off . I went under again … and again … and back up … clutching at the slippery raft repeatedly . I was so tired … . Panic stricken , I thought , " It 's cold … and dark … I 'm drowning ! " Suddenly I felt a swift tug on my head . . … Whoosh ! I was out of the water , lying on the slimy raft . Coughing and sputtering , I looked up into the scowling face of Mr . Taylor , a neighbor who ran the ferryboat . He said , " You okay , girl ? " Fighting back tears , I nodded . " What are you doing down here anyway ? " Without waiting for my answer , he lifted me to the pier and said , " You git on home now and don 't come back , you hear ? " I ran all the way home . Luckily , my parents weren 't there , but I knew it was just a matter of time until they would be , and I was dreading the sting of a peach tree switch on my bare legs . I got out of my wet clothes and waited for the inevitable . When my parents arrived , I listened fearfully for the ring of the telephone or a knock at the door , but neither came . Days passed … and then weeks … but to my happy surprise , Mr . Taylor never told my parents about the incident . Perhaps he thought that such a frightening experience was punishment enough . I sure did ! I jumped off the train steps and the conductor handed my suitcase down to Mother , who was waiting for me . I wasn 't ready to come home . Kingston was the only place in the world I could go barefoot all summer , climb mountains , and run around in a summer rain shower in my underwear if I wanted to . It was so much fun when Aunt Betty , Cousin Sue and I climbed from the rock wall out back of my grandmother 's house onto a peach tree limb so we could walk over to the roof of the house . I don 't know what all the fuss was about when the whole family came running out of the house yelling at us , " Girls , girls , get down from there right now ! " We thought it would be fun to get on the roof . " Heck , I won 't have any fun here , " I thought , as Mother opened the front gate . " Daddy won 't be home from the power plant until midnight . Mother will make me take a bath , shampoo my hair and go to bed before then . " I was awake early . Mother had already gone to work . The sun was shining and I heard Daddy in the kitchen singing … " Precious Memories , how they linger . . . " Running into the kitchen , I squealed , " Daddy ! " He turned , flashed a big smile , ran toward me and hugged me tight . " How 's my sweetheart ? " he said . Without waiting for an answer , he said , " What do you want for breakfast ? " He gave me bacon , eggs and toast . I started eating and he started singing again . When I was finished , I got dressed and called my friend , Carol . " What cha ' doin ' ? " Nuthin . What 're you doin ' ? " Mrs . Lewis always wanted me to eat with Carol , who was a picky eater . I 'd eat even when I wasn 't hungry because it seemed to please her . Our walks always ended at the river . There was a small houseboat docked there and we 'd sit on the deck , dangling our feet in the cool , green water . Sometimes a paddleboat passed , sending wave after wave crashing against the boat , making it rock back and forth … splashing us as we giggled excitedly . As we sat munching juicy red apples from a nearby tree , Carol told me about the summer she 'd had while I was at Kingston . She 'd gone to the beach , got a beautiful tan and met a boy named Emil who had promised to write to her . We were just beginning to pay attention to boys , and it was fun to talk about them , though we were still too young to date . Once , when we were at the carnival that always came to our town in August , a boy I 'd just met , stopped me in the house of mirrors and put his arms around me , but I pulled away and ran . I told Carol about my summer , too … but she couldn 't understand why I enjoyed climbing mountains and picking blackberries ; or why playing games and roasting potatoes in an open fire on the creek bank at night was so much fun . She knew nothing about the excitement of going to the Company Store or the admiration one feels watching weary miners with black faces trudge home from work in the evening . Some things are hard to share - even with your best friend . ~ Published in the Charleston Gazette - February 7 , 2010 ~ " . . . . the endurance of darkness is preparation for great light . " ~ St . John of the Cross Doctors call it depression . Anyone who has ever experienced it calls it misery . It has no specific beginning . It sneaks up on you . You suddenly realize you have no interest in things that formerly interested you ; in fact , you 've lost interest in almost everything . You aren 't physically ill , but don 't feel well just the same . You walk around in a fog . People talk to you , but you don 't hear them ; you don 't answer your phone or your e - mail ; you don 't want to talk to anyone or see anyone . You literally " shut down . " I call it " stopping the world and getting off . " My son says it 's wallowing . He 's right … and that 's exactly what most of us want to do when we find ourselves in this unfamiliar place ! Your friends and relatives don 't understand what 's wrong with you , but they have plenty of suggestions about how to fix you . They say , " Get out , go somewhere ; get a new hairdo ; buy a new outfit ; you 're just bored , take a trip ; join a club - meet new people . " They try to call you every day and , when you don 't answer , they leave their well - meaning messages ; but the truth is , nothing helps ! You try to read , but can 't concentrate . The music you once enjoyed is dull and you soon learn that total silence is preferable . TV doesn 't help either . Right in the middle of a movie , you realize you 've lost the plot because your mind has wandered . To what ? You don 't know ; it 's just not on the movie . Once enthusiastic about Sunday 's church service and interaction with other believers , you no longer look forward to going - in fact you have to make yourself go . During the service , your mind wanders and you don 't hear the sermon … or the selection the choir sings . When the service is over , people smile at you and you smile back in an effort to appear pleasant , but you 're eager to reach your car as fast as possible and hurry home to obscurity . Weeks pass and you wonder if you 'll ever be normal again . You don 't even remember what normal feels like . You pray but get no answers . God seems to be ignoring you . You feel utterly and painfully alone ! In his writings about " The Dark Night of the Soul , " St . John of the Cross presents a portrait - painted from his own experience - of one who progresses successfully through the struggles of the spiritual life . The " dark night " that he describes is not abandonment by God but special consideration from Him for those who desire to cleanse and perfect their souls . With a soul purified from earthly attachments , we can advance through the much quoted but often misunderstood " dark night of the soul " into harmony with God . By accepting the despair and difficulty of this process , the soul cooperates with God and opens itself to receiving and revealing more perfectly God 's glory . After reading St . John 's description , you wonder if that is what 's going on with you . You almost hope it is because you know that when it 's over , you will be a much better person for having endured this agony . You finally decide there 's nothing you can do . You continue to pray but your words seem hollow . Believing that God is far away , you accept your condition . You fear you may have to abide in this state of emptiness forever . So that 's what you do . You abide . Then one morning , you open your eyes and the sun is shining ; you feel wide awake and full of energy . You turn on the music . You dance ; you sing . Life matters . People matter . You want to talk to someone - to everyone you know ! Total peace moves through your heart and mind , supreme ecstasy begins to infuse your spirit , a holy presence surrounds you . Your sense of self fades away . You are a new being . The anguish and suffering within you have been transformed to profound understanding and joy . The dark night has passed . This story also appears in my book Somewhere in Heaven My Mother is Smiling ~ " Pretty is as pretty does . " " Little girls are supposed to be seen and not heard . " " Tell the truth and you may not be punished ; tell a lie and it 's certain you will be ! " " Always respect your elders . " These are just a few of the guidelines I , an only child , received from my mother long before I knew what all of them meant . My mother was a strict disciplinarian . I was afraid of her . My dad , on the other hand , was tolerant and easy going . He laughed often - and I adored him ! It took me a lifetime to realize I loved my mother , too . Though I grieve for the lost time , I 'm grateful I found out before it was too late ! When I was a child , not many women worked outside the home , especially mothers , but mine did . It 's quite possible I was the original " latchkey " kid . I longed to come home from school and find my mother in the kitchen baking cookies or fixing dinner - as my friends ' mothers did - but I arrived to a lonely , messy house instead , and it was my job to get everything in order and start dinner before my mother got there . I considered this unfair and was convinced she didn 't love me . On Saturdays , I had to help clean house and do laundry . However , if I did my chores to my mother 's satisfaction , I could go to an afternoon movie with my best friend , Carol . We so enjoyed sitting there together watching a movie and munching on buttered popcorn that we often stayed for the second showing . Sunday was church day . After lunch , I 'd either go for a walk with Carol or spend the afternoon reading - my favorite pastime . Sundays passed quickly and Monday morning came much too soon ! Sometimes , after school , I 'd get my work done fast and venture outside to have some fun . I remember one day , in particular , when I disobeyed one of my mother 's rules and learned a hard lesson . We had a large apple tree in our back yard that I loved to climb . But climbing trees was strictly forbidden ! " You could fall and break your neck ! " Mother warned . " And besides , it 's just not ladylike ! " " Just this once . " I told myself . " She 'll never know . " So I scrambled up the tree , grabbing an apple on the way and chose a sturdy limb to sit on . As I sat there , legs dangling about seven feet off the ground , chomping my juicy apple , I felt as free as a bird - and was confident my mother would never find out ! When she got home , I was in the kitchen , as usual . The look on her face told me something was wrong . " What were you doing in the apple tree , today ? " She asked in a stern voice . Stammering , I said , " I wasn 't ! " " Don 't lie to me , young lady ! " she said , shaking her finger in my face . " What have I always told you ? " " If I tell the truth , I won 't get punished , but I will if I lie , " I said tearfully . When she went outside , I knew what was coming next . Returning with a peach tree switch , she quickly stripped it of its leaves , switched my bare legs until they were red and sent me to my room , sobbing . She punished me many times after that , but I now understand that I may have turned out differently if she hadn 't . God doesn 't make mistakes ! He gave me a strong will , and then blessed me with a mother who would temper it . Just as He uses adversity to refine us and make us stronger , my mother combined just the right mix of nurturing and discipline to shape my character . After my father died , at 63 , she lived twenty - five years , never remarrying . As she aged and began to suffer from ill health , I became the mother and she , the child . She depended on me for everything and wouldn 't make a single decision without consulting me . We enjoyed many hours together in those last months while I cared for her at home or sat by her bedside at hospitals . Intimate conversations revealed a softer side I 'd never seen , and I began to realize that this woman I 'd feared all my life actually loved me very much . Why else would she have spent so much time and energy trying to make me into a worthy person ? Just before she died , she looked into my eyes and said , " You 're an angel ! " Bending over , I kissed her forehead and said , " I love you , Mother . " And meant it ! So it became natural , when a grandchild was bored , for me to entertain him by playing this game : I would lie on one end of the sofa , encouraging him / her to lie on the other . We would put the bottoms of our feet together and make a bicycle riding motion with our legs while chanting , " Chug - a - lug - a , Chug - a - lug - a , Chug - a - lug - a . " Suddenly , I 'd make a pulling motion in the air with one hand and shriek , " Woo - Woo ! " , in my shrillest train whistle voice … eliciting a burst of equally shrill giggles from the child ( and a deep chuckle from my husband ) . It was antics such as these that prompted my three year old grandson to ask the question , " Maw - Maw , what do you want to be when you grow up ? " Another time , he overheard his mother telling me that there were no children his age in their neighborhood , and therefore , he had no playmates . Wide - eyed and serious , he said , " Me have Maw - Maw ! " We were blessed with seven grandchildren . They all learned to play the special game , as well as many others in their grandma 's repertoire . No matter how tired I was , or how busy , I stopped to play with the little ones … and they expected it . It was a wonderful time ! However , nothing lasts forever . Just as our children did , they 're growing up much too fast ! The youngest now is a precocious nine - year - old granddaughter who would be highly insulted if I suggested one of those " childish " games . Nevertheless , the fun is not over yet . Recently , my husband and I visited our granddaughter and her husband . They are the parents of our youngest great - grandchild , Izzy , two , who was born prematurely , and is rather exceptional . She learned early that I would play , so she took my hand and led me to her playroom , which is full of toys . She ran inside her " Izzy sized " playhouse , motioning for me , saying , " C ' mon , Gam - Ma . " The playhouse , about three feet tall , looked like an impossibility for an adult to access … but not wanting to disappoint Izzy , I managed to crawl inside and sit beside her . She generously handed me a rag doll , which was quite homely . I showed my dislike for it by making an ugly face , throwing it up in the air , and squealing , " No . I don 't want that ! " Izzy giggled and handed it back , wanting me to repeat the gesture , which I did … again and again . Each time , she giggled hysterically , bringing her mother running with a camera to record the hilarity of Izzy 's game with Gam - Ma . Although exhausting , it was an enjoyable visit . I smiled all the way home , thinking about the fun Izzy and I will have when I teach her to play Chug - A - Lug - A . Better yet , we have just learned that Izzy will welcome a new baby sister in April . Woo - Woo ! ( This was written in early 2009 . Izzy and her baby sister , Gabby , are older now and will soon be playing Chug - A - Lug - A with Gam - Ma . ) Like a child eagerly anticipating Christmas morning , my enthusiasm for fall has intensified each day for the past month . It 's hard to say exactly when it happens , but sometime in late August , those who are " attuned " to the changing seasons , as I am , begin to notice a gradual transformation . Mornings and evenings become cooler while sunny afternoon temperatures continue to climb to the mid - eighties . Crickets fill the evening air with their mournful refrain in quest of one final mating before frost , and lightening bugs disappear . Even my cat notices the change . Liza Jane is keenly aware that just a short while ago , she owned a large spot of sun on the kitchen floor where she enjoyed late morning naps , and now , that same bright spot has moved to the front of a cabinet . She stares longingly at the sunlit cabinet , obviously wondering what happened . It 's useless trying to explain to Liza that , in June , the sun is directly overhead and therefore , shines straight down on the floor through the kitchen skylight , affording her a blissfully warm place to nap , but that , by late August , the sun has moved downward in the sky and no longer shines on the floor . She merely gives me that " you have mistaken me for someone who cares " glance that cats invented and leisurely strolls off to my husband 's den where the sun comes in at a different angle . Feline contentment aside , it is an ideal time of year . Summer is over and we are slowly moving into fall . School is back in session , children are in bed earlier and life has become more relaxed . It is a good time to catch up on things that there was little or no time for during the busy summer months - like curling up with a good book , listening to music , watching a movie you 've wanted to see or spending more quality time with your spouse . Then Lovely October makes her debut ! Each time it occurs , it seems more beautiful than the last . Mother Nature paints surrounding hillsides with brilliant shades of red , yellow , orange , gold and brown , creating a breathtaking landscape . The sunny days become shorter , the sky bluer , and the air crisper . As leaves begin to turn , a few opt to give up and fall to the ground early . In a short while , lawns are covered with the crispy remains of summer foliage and all too soon the raking begins , removing the last vestiges of nature 's most spectacular season . " October means winter is not far behind … and everything dies , " some complain . But in reality , there is no death in fall . It is a season of rest - a time for bringing our lives back into balance . Most of us have family , work , church and social activities to coordinate and , in the busyness of our days , it is sometimes difficult . We find ourselves spending more time in one area than we do the others and our lives drift out of balance . Fall , with its slower pace , helps us correct that . |
I haven 't written any facts about Down Syndrome for a while , so I thought I 'd try and explain why some people with Down Syndrome are quite prone to putting on weight . A large percentage of people with Down Syndrome have some sort of thyroid condition , with hypothyroidism being the most common . Hypothyroidism means the person with it has an underactive thyroid ( in varying degrees from mild to severe ) . An underactive thyroid can make it very easy to put on weight , and can also contribute to depression and other symptoms . Weight gain , combined with a generally shorter than average stature , means that a lot of people with Down Syndrome can appear to be quite ' short and overweight ' . These days , babies born with Down Syndrome are monitored , from birth , with regular blood tests to keep an eye on their thyroid function . Felix had his checked twice in his first year of life and has annual blood tests now . If any abnormality is detected , these children will be medicated straight away and their parents will sometimes take them to a nutritionist to talk about ways to help control excessive weight gain , and healthy eating . We 're so lucky that Medical research has advanced so much over the past 20 years , and these sorts of issues can be monitored , and detected early , to give our kids the best chance of a healthy life . Felix 's generation , of people with Down Syndrome , will likely have less weight gain issues due to early detection of thyroid abnormalities . So far Felix 's thyroid function has been normal , but we 'll definitely be keeping an eye on it . Felix has been a delight these past few days ; very busy , but delightful ! He has been using his manners so well and nearly always signs ' please ' and ' thank you ' . His use of ' please ' has been really encouraging because he was getting to a point where he would just point at something and grunt , and get really frustrated that he couldn 't ask for it . Now that he can sign ' please ' , he can point to what he wants ( if he doesn 't know the sign ) , and ask ' please ' , but without the grunting . The sign for ' help ' has also been really useful and is one he uses all the time now . If his little stacking boats , that he plays with in the bath , are stuck together , he patiently puts them in his lap , looks up at me with those big , blue eyes and signs ' help ' . I was changing the sheets on my bed this afternoon . What is usually a fairly quick job to do , turned into a fun , but time consuming one . Felix thinks it 's hilarious when I shake out the clean sheets to spread them over the bed . He laughs his head off and tries to run underneath the sheets . I haven 't got the heart to make the bed when he 's having so much fun , so I waved the sheets around until my arms hurt . He stood underneath them and giggled and giggled , reaching his hands above his head to touch them . He was a very big helper when I had to put the pillowcases on the pillows . He pushed the pillows with all his might to get them inside the case and very proudly lifted them up and put them back on the bed when they were done . Such a cutie ! I 'm really proud of all 8 of our kids . It 's crazy that even though they have been brought up in the same family , they are all so different from each other . They all have their own strengths and weaknesses , likes and dislikes and varying hopes and dreams for their lives . This week we celebrated with our 16 year old son , Joshua , as he received awards for outstanding academic achievement in year 11 . He excelled in English , Mathematics , Chemisty and Physics , and got a fantastic grade for Biology as well . He is entering his final year of school next year and hopes to get high enough grades to do Veterinary Science at University . We are so incredibly proud of how hard he has worked and how determined he has been to do well . Joshua 's success this week has made me stop and think about all of our kids , and the different things I 'm proud of them for . I think it 's easy to look at academic success as being more important than other things but , I can honestly say , what is most important to me is the type of people our kids are becoming . It makes me so proud to see them being good friends and looking out for other people or nurturing their own siblings . I love hearing about Amy cooking a meal for Bekah when she 's sick and taking it to her house . I love watching Isaiah being incredibly patient with Felix when he 's in a grumpy mood . I love how Joshua has such a wonderful work ethic . I 've enjoyed seeing Joel become a beautiful Father to his little boy . Aaron never fails to make us laugh with his hilarious sense of humour ; and Daniel may be nearly 23 years old but still tells me he loves me . I love hearing Bekah telling everyone she knows , how proud she is of her little brother , who has Down Syndrome . I thought I 'd share one of our Christmas traditions with you . About a month or so before Christmas , every year , whoever is going to be here on Christmas Day ( kids , Grandparents & friends ) , tell us what their favourite food is . On Christmas Day , we cook every single person 's favourite dish and put it on the table to share . The food selection is fairly eclectic , but there is something on the table which each person loves . One year there was even a plate of Vegemite sandwiches ( a 3 year old 's request ) . This has become the tradition the kids love more than anything else . In fact , Joshua told me today , that he enjoys our meal even more than presents ! Now if Felix would just hurry up and decide what his favourite food is going to be . . . . What a beautiful piece of encouragement I received today ! A lovely young Mum I met at playgroup , about a year ago , sent me the following message today . I asked her if I could publish it here on my blog as an encouragement to other parents of children with Down Syndrome . Our kids really are changing people 's perceptions , one smile at a time . I have removed her son 's name for privacy reasons . " I look through all your photos and blogs of Felix and I am truly amazed at what an amazing little guy he is ! before I met you guys I thought1 - people who have Down syndrome are always chubby ! 2 - they are aggressive 3 - they don 't learn the same 4 - they don 't fit into society . how WRONG am I ! ! ! ! I 'm ashamed now to think i thought this , but it 's like the saying " people fear the unknown " and this was me ! Felix ( as I 'm sure all do ! ) throws this out the window ! He is so happy ( yes I know not all the time , but who is ? ! ) he isn 't chubby ( ' My son ' is wayyyy bigger lol ) He is so clever ! He may not be talking much , but look at his signing ! How he knows nursery rhymes , etc ! And he DEFINITELY fits into society ! ! what a beautiful and brilliant child you have , and I 'm so lucky to have met you guys and to throw all my misconceptions out the door ! " I feel so encouraged to know that people , who don 't have children with Down Syndrome , are willing to learn and educate themselves , and have embraced Felix as one of their own . It means so much to me , and I would like to say a huge thank you to all of you who have asked questions , played with Felix and included him . I am constantly blown away by your willingness to change your perceptions about people with Down Syndrome . Thank you for loving our little boy and for seeing beyond the diagnosis of ' Down Syndrome ' . Thank you also for celebrating his little milestones with me and my family ! The last few days , we have been focussing on manners , with Felix . We are asking him to sign ' please ' and ' thank you ' . Several times today he has signed , ' help please ' instead of just ' help ' , so he 's catching on really fast . Yesterday he was a bit grumpy and was grunting at me because he wanted me to pass his cup . I asked him to sign ' please ' , but he shook his head ' No ' . I kept asking him to sign ' please ' and he kept shaking his head . Eventually he gave me a big smile and signed ' please ' . Such a cheeky boy sometimes . Felix spent the morning at Special Needs Playgroup this morning . He enjoyed playing with the train set and doing some puzzles . As usual , he loved the singing and putting his photo up on the board after the ' welcome song ' . He put his photo up crooked initially , so he stood there and turned it around until it was perfectly straight and then waited for everyone to clap because he was so clever . When it was time to leave , he gave his teacher and the Mum and sister of another little boy , a kiss . Talk about being charming ! One thing I have always loved , about having little ones , is watching their faces when they experience something new . The older kids reactions were usually predictable , but Felix 's reactions are often a surprise . The things I think he might be frightened off , he isn 't , but then he may be a bit scared by something I thought he would be OK with . Last night was the local Christmas pageant in our town of 22 , 000 people . I think nearly everyone in town lined the streets to welcome Santa ! It was great to see so many happy , smiling faces and excited children . Although Felix went to the pageant last year , he was still pretty little , so I was looking forward to seeing if he enjoyed it this year . It was our Grandson , Noah 's , first pageant and , to get to spend it with him as well , was pretty special . As soon as we arrived on the main street , pushing Felix along on his little tricycle , he started pointing at all the people and didn 't quite know where to look first . It was looking pretty promising . We spread out a mat on the kerb and sat Felix down with us . He looked excited straight away . At the beginning of every Christmas pageant , a whole bunch of motorbikes ride past before the pageant officially starts . The noise is pretty loud because they ride past so close to where everyone is sitting and , straight away , I looked at Felix to see if he was going to cope with it . His face was hilarious . I could tell that part of him was absolutely terrified but , at the same time , he was totally fascinated and couldn 't take his eyes off the bikes . He pointed and there were plenty of " Oooooh 's " and " Aaaaah 's " . Every so often , he gave Aaron a quick cuddle , for reassurance , but then he stood straight back up to watch the bikes again . He was so brave , and we were really proud of him . After the motorbikes , there was a Police car with it 's lights flashing and siren sounding . Felix wasn 't quite sure about the noise , and cuddled Daddy but didn 't take his eyes off the car for a second . Once the Police car had gone past , the pageant started . Felix loved it ! There was so much to see and so many colours and sounds . His eyes went from one thing to the other . Every so often , he gave us a little hug but he seemed to be having a really good time . He even waved to the people on the floats which was awesome ! There was a ' Very Hungry Caterpillar ' float which he loved , and he also loved the animal rescue float that had real dogs on it . When Santa 's float arrived , Felix waved and pointed but , as we found out later , he wasn 't so impressed with Santa up close ! When the pageant had finished , we all walked to the gardens near the beach to have some dinner . There were lots of food stalls set up and some activities for the older kids to do . We spread out our mat on the grass and ate our food in the sunshine . Felix was getting pretty tired by this point but , when I saw Santa walking through the crowd , I just had to take Felix over to him to see how he would react . I had a feeling it would probably be disastrous , and it was . Felix was fine until we were within a metre of Santa , and then he started shaking and buried his head in my shoulder and started crying . I couldn 't help it , I had to get someone to take a quick photo anyway . It 's definitely a very memorable photo and , I 'm sure it will give us all plenty of laughs in years to come ! It 's getting to that time of the year . The calendar is filling up and there seems to be countless places to be , people to visit , gifts to buy and appointments to squeeze in before Christmas . It 's so easy to feel rushed and stressed out . It 's times like this when I am again reminded of the sweet simplicity that Felix brings to our lives . He doesn 't care about parties or presents , and certainly isn 't bothered whether we get to places on time . He just likes to stop and enjoy life . There have been so many times over the past couple of weeks when I have felt pressed for time , but Felix has brought me a book and I have sat down and read it to him . Then he has gone and chosen another book and I have read that one too . Before I have even realised , I have read several books , sung a few songs and made him giggle by chasing him up the hallway . I have still managed to get the things done that I have needed to , so far , but have also stopped to smell the roses along the way . Thanks Felix for reminding me , again , of what 's important ! In the last couple of days , I had to do a ( very quick ) overnight trip to Adelaide . Felix , once again , behaved like a seasoned traveller , sitting happily for 5 hours in the car each way , chatting and watching his DVD 's and doing the actions to his favourite songs . He was so excited to see my parents , and walked into their house like it was his . I had to drop him off there and head straight back out again , but he wasn 't bothered at all to say goodbye . He was busy stacking plastic containers with Granny . He had a great afternoon with his Granny and Papa , digging in the dirt outside and attaching clothes pegs to Papa 's shirt . My Mum bragged that he ate constantly when I was out , which was awesome because he usually goes on a hunger strike and refuses to eat for anyone but Nathan , the older kids or me . Another little first for Felix . My attempt at Felix 's footprint Snowmen Ifinished today . They are made the sameway as the handprint Santas . 1 cup plain flour , 1 / 2 cup salt , 1 / 2 cup waterMix well . Roll out and push hand / foot downfirmly . Make hole to hang . Allow to dry for 4 days , turning after 2 days . Paint as you like . Bekah ( 19 ) , was so happy to see Felix and , although it wasn 't a long visit , had a play with him and lots and lots of cuddles . Felix hasn 't seen her for ages , but he held his arms out to her straight away which she loved . He really does adore his older siblings , and I 'm so thankful that he has the seven of them to watch out for him and share new experiences with him as he grows . Daniel and Cate , Joel and Joshua all got to spend some time playing with Felix over the last couple of days , and he enjoyed being the centre of attention . After a busy couple of days it 's nice to be home again . Felix was happy to get out of the car and stretch his legs a bit , and was especially glad to see his Daddy . He has been a little bit grumpy since we got back ( ten hours of driving in two days will do that to you ) , so he was more than happy to go to bed tonight . He tucked his technicoloured monkey under one arm , and his ugly sock cat under the other ; then he lay down on his tummy with the two of them slightly underneath him . As usual , he pulled his knees up and stuck his bottom up in the air , totally oblivious to us still standing there for one last look at him before we shut the door . Who needs Christmas presents ? He is such a perfect little gift to us ! Felix was a bundle of energy at Kindergym today even though there was a huge group of kids there . He flinched every now and again when another child rushed past him , and he always inspected the thing he wanted to climb on , to make sure there were no other children on it already . Apart from that , he did so well and it was really obvious that his new found confidence is still there . There were a couple of memorable moments this morning . At one point , Felix was leaning up against a big padded mat when another little boy came up behind him to give him a cuddle . As soon as Felix sensed him there , he looked a bit worried and quickly started to crawl towards me , across the mat . The little boy thought it was hilarious and decided to copy Felix , so he started crawling behind him . Felix realised that the little boy was still there , so he stood up and started to walk as fast as he could towards me . The other boy laughed again and shadowed Felix all the way . Felix looked more and more worried until he reached me but , after a quick cuddle , was actually OK and didn 't melt down completely . Another small step in the right direction ! Another great thing about this morning was that Felix went up to a lady , I had just met , and held out his arms to her for a cuddle . She thought it was lovely when he held on for a big squeeze , and I thought it was fantastic that he felt confident enough to do it ! She obviously gave good cuddles because he went back a second time a bit later . Halfway through Kindergym , the lady who runs it walks around and puts a stamp on the children 's hands . Felix loves getting a stamp but he 's usually quite shy about holding out his hand . Today the lady sat down beside Felix , as she usually does , and he came over and patted her on the arm a couple of times and gave her a big smile . It was so awesome ! He then happily held out his hand for a stamp , and then wanted one on the other hand as well . I was so proud of him . It was scorching hot here today ; perfect for a big play in the paddling pool for Felix . The hot weather doesn 't seem to bother him at all and , from first thing this morning , all he wanted to do was be outside . As soon as I filled up his pool , he got straight in there , splashing around and having a great time . At one point he thought it would be fun to throw sand from the sandpit into the water . He was very vocal when he was throwing it in , and was telling a great story . I love the way he can entertain himself for long periods of time , and the way he is using his imagination to create games for himself . I enjoy sitting and watching him play like that . Tonight , Felix did something which amazed us ! He has an application on his ipad called LunchBox . There are several different tasks to complete ; matching colours and shapes , choosing the odd one out etc . After three levels are completed , he is rewarded with a sticker , of his choice , which he can slide up onto a sticker board . For quite some time , Felix has been able to do most of the levels with little , if any , assistance . However , he has had trouble with one level which requires him to put together a puzzle , with four pieces , by sliding them into the correct position then letting go . On the very odd occasion he has managed to put one piece in the right spot , but tonight he completed the whole puzzle not once , but twice ! Nathan elbowed me and pointed towards Felix . He was concentrating so hard on doing the puzzle . He dropped the pieces several times , but kept trying again and again and again , until he finally did it . We were both so excited , and can 't help but marvel at his persistence . I know that I would become impatient if I had to try so many times and would probably give up , but he just keeps trying until he has something perfected . He is such an inspiration ! Another thing we have noticed , recently , is that Felix is getting really good at kicking a ball around and will kick any ball no matter what size it is . He is so steady on his feet and just loves to kick the ball up and down the hallway . He is slowly learning to kick it in different ways to change it 's direction too . Nathan and I both despise soccer , but are beginning to think we may have to start taking an interest in it because , if he keeps this up , he may want to play it when he 's a bit older . The things we do for our kids ! Haha ! For any of you with fussy eaters , I have recently discovered something wonderful for getting some extra nourishment into Felix . He 's usually a great eater but lately , at dinner time , he 's not really interested in food . I have started making him smoothies with fresh fruit , soy milk , a tiny bit of soy yoghurt , and a huge handful of fresh spinach . I blend it until it 's completely smooth and he drinks it down in minutes . You can 't taste the spinach at all , and it 's delicious ! I 'm looking into finding some sort of flavourless fish oil to put in there as well ( he hates having fish oil ) , so if anyone can suggest anything , I would appreciate your help . I better mention too , that Felix woke up this morning back to his usual self so I didn 't take him to the Doctor . He must have just been feeling a bit off the last couple of days . It 's good to have our happy boy back ! Felix had a bit of a rough start to the morning . He has been a little bit miserable the last couple of days , so he has been really clingy , and woke up the same today . After some cuddles with me , in my bed , he started to seem a bit happier and had a play with his ipad for a while . A few minutes later I turned away for a second and , when I looked back , Felix was standing up right on the edge of the bed . Before I had a chance to react , he toppled off , head first ! He had a little bump , but was fine otherwise . It put the poor little guy back to square one , as far as feeling miserable , and meant that , for the rest of the morning , I had a permanent attachment to my hip ! I think I 'll take him to the Doctor tomorrow , just to check that his ears aren 't bothering him again . His surgery ( for grommets ) is in a few weeks , so I 'm hoping he 'll make it until then without an infection . I decided to take Felix to the Special Needs Playgroup this morning , in the hope that a change of scenery might cheer him up a bit . He seemed really happy to be there until he realised that other children had arrived . He was fine with one little boy , but there was a little girl there who was very vocal ( and when she screamed , he buried his head in my lap ) . Felix really doesn 't cope well with high pitched noises still , so that set him back a bit today . When it came to song time , Felix was the only one who went and sat on the little chairs . Being a playgroup for kids with additional needs , the teacher never puts any pressure on the kids to join in , unless they feel comfortable to . All the children have different issues ; physical , intellectual and behavioural and are different ages , so there is no simple routine that suits all of the kids all of the time . Felix really enjoys music , so he is always happy to participate in that aspect of playgroup . He did so well this morning , signing the words to the songs he knew and laughing when we did the actions . It was nice to see him smiling . The Speech Pathologist was there today and spent some time with Felix . She was really pleased , when she saw him signing to the songs , and heard him making some good speech sounds when he was playing too . After a big afternoon sleep , Felix seemed a bit happier for a while . He walked up and down our hallway blowing on a recorder from his music box . I am so pleased that he is able to make it whistle now , but I am thinking about investing in some earplugs ( The recorder must be the most painful sounding instrument ever invented ! ) I think I 'm going to have to get used to the sound , because every time he blows the recorder , I tell him how clever he is , so he does it even more . After he makes some ' music ' , he takes it out of his mouth and laughs out loud , which is adorable . I told the Speech Pathologist about his new trick and she looked genuinely surprised that he could do it . Needless to say , she was really pleased ! Yesterday , I spent the day photographing Joel , Mel and Noah at the beach , and then took some Christmas photos of Noah and Felix together . Felix , not being his usual self , was a bit hard to photograph , but I ended up with a few I 'm really happy with . I thought I 'd post a few on my blog today . Felix spent the morning with Daddy this morning so I could get some Christmas shopping done , without my little ' helper ' . Nathan took him over to the park for a play . He said that Felix was less than enthusiastic with the small slide , but laughed his head off when he went down the big slide . He really loves being outside , so having a park across the road from our house is handy . Sometimes he likes to throw a ball around on the grass and other times , like today , he enjoys the playground . Nathan said they had a curious magpie watching their every move at the park today . Nathan was sure it was about to swoop them and was relieved when it didn 't . When Nathan and Felix got back from the park , they played with some of Felix 's toys and looked at some books . Judging by the mess I saw , when I got home , they had a great time ! Nathan told me he 'd left the room for a minute and came back to find Felix standing in Isaiah 's big sneakers by the front door . Knowing the first thing I would ask is , " Did you get a photo of it ? " , Nathan ran and got the camera and managed to get a quick photo of Felix still standing in the big shoes . They make him look so tiny ! Today we decided to put up the Christmas tree . I was pretty excited because Felix is old enough this year to join in with us . He wasn 't so sure about the undecorated tree , and I 'm sure he was wondering what on earth a tree was doing up on our coffee table , but he soon worked out what to do and was reaching up to put decorations on it ( with a little bit of help ) . He loved the string of gold beads and wasn 't impressed when we had to unravel them from him to put them on the tree . What can I say ? He has always loved his beads ! The older boys know how much I love ' tree decorating day ' and , bless them , they try really hard to feign excitement and join in , but they all look pretty relieved when the decorations are all hung . Nathan lightens the mood every year by hiding random objects ( eg . plastic dinosaurs and spiders ) in the tree , hoping I don 't notice and tell him off . The boys think it 's hilarious ! So , I am super excited to have a 2 year old in the house this year , and a 6 month old Grandson . They are so much more fun than teenage boys when it comes to the magic of Christmas ( no offence boys ; I love you to bits ) . I can 't wait until Christmas day to see the excitement on Felix and Noah 's faces as they enjoy scrunching up wrapping paper and playing with empty boxes ( which I 'm sure they 'll love even more than their actual gifts ! ) After a very busy day , Felix was really grumpy this afternoon . It 's quite out of character for him to be so moody . He wasn 't happy to be playing and wanted to be picked up . When he asked to be put down , he would start to cry and not want to go down . He didn 't even eat much for dinner . I noticed he has a bit of a runny nose so I hope he 's not getting sick . The great thing about Felix is that he loves his bed . If we think he 's unwell or really tired , we can put him to bed an hour earlier than usual and he 'll blow us kisses and lay straight down . We haven 't heard a single sound from his room since he went to bed tonight so hopefully , after a good night sleep , he 'll be back to his usual self tomorrow . Felix was a bundle of mischief when he woke up this morning . Before I even had a chance to focus my eyes , he had already posted his night nappy and a tube of cream in the toilet , and it wasn 't even 7am ! This theme continued throughout the morning . First , I realised that he had learnt how to unlock the ipad . As annoying as that is , I must admit I was pretty proud at how clever he can be at working things out . He can open the cupboards in the kitchen now , so he had all the plastic cups and bowls out and was stacking them on the floor while I did the dishes . I don 't mind , except that if I don 't watch him carefully , he tries to grab the breakable bowls and plates as well . He opened a drawer and found a roll of garbage bags which he had a great time rolling across the floor until they all unravelled . I also realised today , that Felix has grown taller and can reach his hands up onto the table and grab anything that 's left too close to the edge . I 'm really wishing I , literally , had eyes in the back of my head ! I haven 't done any of Felix 's handprints for a while , so I got out the paint to do them today . Felix thought it was great , squelching the paint in his hands . He even got the hang of opening up his hand and putting it flat onto the paper , and was a little bit annoyed with me when we were finished and he had to have his hands cleaned up . I think he would have been happy to sit there all day . Some of Felix 's favourite toys are his musical instruments . He absolutely loves his tambourine and his maracas , and will sometimes sit for ages and play his xylophone . He 's been so good at sharing with Noah and , even if he takes something off him , he will give it a quick shake and put it back in Noah 's hand . Felix has a whistle in his toybox and will often bring it to one of us to blow . Yesterday I blew the whistle and handed it back to Felix . He put it in his mouth and actually blew it for the very first time ! I was really pleased because I know that some kids take a long time to learn how to use the correct position with their mouth to blow into a whistle , or blow out candles . I 'm sure his Speech Pathologist will be very impressed ! We have had Noah visiting our house quite a lot over the last few days and it warms my heart to see how much more comfortable Felix is getting with him . Not only is he sharing really nicely with Noah , but he is stroking his head and giving him lots of attention . Noah has even picked up on a couple of Felix 's crazy faces . Today , for the first time , Felix gave Noah not one , but two kisses ! As the Mum of one , and the Granny of the other , it was one of those memorable moments that will be with me forever . Tonight I was very proud to take some photos of Joel and Mel , all dressed up for their school formal . They both looked amazing , and had dressed Noah up in a cute little shirt for some of the photos too . They are beautiful parents to their precious little man , and there 's no doubt that Noah knows he 's loved to bits ! Today would usually be Kindergym day , but we 've had a fairly hectic week so far , so I decided that some time at home would be a good idea . I like Felix 's and my days at home together . It gives me a chance to really pay attention to all the new things he is learning , and to spend lots of time with him , one on one . Our quiet days are some of my favourites . Felix showed me how much he is learning about helping , and following instructions . He is fascinated with our recycling bin because it is often full of empty bottles , jars and boxes ; quite appealing to a two year old 's eyes . Very often I catch him pulling an empty soft drink bottle out of the bin , and walking away with it . Usually if I take it away from him and put it back in the bin , he will take it straight back out again . This morning I tried something different , and asked him to put the bottle back himself . It worked . He walked back over to the bin and put it inside . I clapped my hands and told him he 'd done well , and he was happy with that and walked away . Job well done ! I came back down the hallway , after putting some washing on , to find that Felix had pulled a pile of his books off the book shelf . I don 't mind because usually , he does actually read them so it 's a ' creative ' mess ! Today he wasn 't terribly interested in looking at them , and had pulled them off the shelf because he was bored . I started to put the books back on the shelf when Felix came over and began to help me . He picked up a book and put it on the shelf , in the correct spot , and made sure it was up the right way and pushed in nice and straight . I was pretty impressed , but thought it might have been a fluke . I pointed to another book on the floor and he picked that one up and did exactly the same thing , putting it perfectly on the shelf . He continued until all the books were neatly put away . I could get used to this tidiness ! Felix helped me with a few other things today . He passed me the wet washing so I could hang it up to dry . He helped me push our big , heavy coffee table to get it ready to put the Christmas tree on ( giggling the whole time ) . He even turned around in the trolley seat at the supermarket and passed me all of the groceries he could reach , so I could put them up on the counter . It sure beats what he used to do , throwing the shopping out of the trolley and onto the ground ! One thing he wasn 't so helpful with was wrapping up a Christmas present . He seemed to think it was great that his head fit underneath the wrapping paper . A few repairs later and the gift was finally wrapped up . I 'm enjoying my new little helper . I hope he still likes to help even when he realises that it 's something he has to do all the time ! Felix has always been pretty good with the dogs , if they were laying down , but if they were walking around he sometimes looked a bit worried . Most of our dogs are pretty huge so , to him , it would be the equivalent of a horse wanting to lick us in the face , rushing towards us and whipping us with its ' tail . Today , however , he took it all in his stride . All four dogs ( Joel 's massive doberman is staying with us at the moment ) , wandered around with Felix giving him the occasional lick or swipe with their tail . He was completely unbothered by them . He did a lot of pointing and " oooohs " and " aaaaahs " , and looked like he was telling the dogs what to do . It was really great to see him so relaxed with them all . I 'm sure it helps that he is much more steady on his feet now , and a lot more sure of himself ! Our gorgeous little Grandson , Noah , came around for a visit today . Joel and Mel had some things to do , so Noah stayed with us for a play . I had just got back from doing some Christmas shopping and had a couple of bags full of wrapping paper , ribbons and Christmas decorations . Noah and Uncle Felix sat together and pulled everything out of the bags ; it was like an early Christmas ! They played with plastic cups , empty boxes and gift bags ( which now have a little bit of Noah 's slobber on them to make them extra special ) . They had a wonderful time and the best bit was that Felix sat right next to Noah , happily playing with him , without a care in the world . He 's normally so wary of him , but today he looked so comfortable with him and even took turns sharing things with him . It was a very precious Uncle and nephew moment ! After the boys had got tired of the Christmas things , I took them outside to play in the sandpit . Felix played with the sand , and Noah sat in the empty half of the clam shell and played with some buckets and spades . I didn 't think his Mum and Dad would appreciate coming home to find him covered in sand , and he didn 't seem to mind . Felix thought it was pretty funny to see someone else sitting in his sandpit , but he seemed quite happy to offer Noah some things to play with . We recently put a couple of solar powered butterflies in our garden , next to the sandpit , and both boys were fascinated with them . Felix signed ' butterfly ' and pointed to them to show Noah . It was pretty adorable . I love our boys ! When we were on our holiday , I didn 't worry too much about toilet training . Felix was unfamiliar with the house we were staying in and wouldn 't have known where the toilet was , so I thought we 'd leave it until we got home . When we got back , we had barely walked in the door when Felix walked straight in to the bathroom , picked up his potty seat and put it on the toilet . He signed ' toilet ' and then sat on there and did a huge wee ! ! By the sound of it , it was almost as if he 'd been saving it up all week ! He used the toilet a couple of times after that and has been the same today . I was sure that a six day break might put him back a bit , but he picked up exactly where he left off before we went away . It was a nice surprise . The weather is starting to warm up so , hopefully , we 'll be able to try him in his little jocks soon and leave his nappies off . Felix has always been the master of funny faces and he 's recently added a couple more to his repertoire . I mentioned the face he started to make when he looked at our friend , Brent . We have nicknamed it the ' Brent face ' . He squints his eyes really tightly and then does a big cheesy grin . He started doing it whenever he looked at Brent , but he 's continued to do it since we got home . He even does it when he 's walking sometimes , and nearly walks into the walls because he can 't see . He 's so funny ! It 's almost as if he 's experimenting with what he can see when he squeezes his eyes shut . I wonder how long he 'll keep doing it for ? He sure keeps us entertained ! He 's also started to make a face if he is trying to push a block into a shape sorter and can 't quite get it in . It 's a bit like his ' crazy face ' , where he sticks out his bottom teeth and opens his eyes wide . When he 's pushing on the shapes to try and get them in the hole , he makes the face and shakes his body . We can 't help but laugh at him , so he does it over and over again . I 'm posting a video today of him doing this face , because I thought it might make you smile ! We have just got home after a wonderful 6 days away . I still can 't get over how well Felix travels . We drove for close to 20 hours over the last week and he didn 't even grizzle once ! He doesn 't sleep much in the car , but is happy to munch on some food , drink his juice , watch his DVD player and read his books . Every now and again , whoever wasn 't driving would reach around and tickle his toes and make him laugh . For the first time ever , Felix looked out of the window and noticed when we pointed out the cows in the paddocks . I can 't wait until he 's older so we can show him more things along the way . He would have loved all the animals we saw on this trip ; cows , alpacas , sheep , a brown snake , lizards , two koalas , a fox and even a turtle , who ambled across the road and was lucky not to get run over ! There were plenty of kangaroos , but they had already become victims of passing cars : ( While we were away I took Felix to visit my cousin , who I haven 't seen for ages . She has a gorgeous little boy , Darcy , who is a bit younger than Felix . I was really pleased to see that , after being a bit unsure at first , Felix actually interacted really well with Darcy . He wasn 't frightened of him , like he can be with other little ones sometimes , and he even reached out and stroked his head when we were taking some photos . I couldn 't believe it ! At one point , Felix and Darcy were throwing a balloon back and forwards to each other . It was really cute and was certainly a big step for Felix . It was great to see them playing together so well . Felix gave my cousin a quick cuddle , and gave her and her husband a high - five when we left . It was fantastic to see him responding so well to people , in unfamiliar surroundings , and looking really comfortable ! When we arrived back in Adelaide , for a quick stop over with my parents , Felix seemed really relaxed and happy . He 's had so many new experiences this week and seemed to cope with all of them well . He appeared to have a new confidence and wasn 't the slightest bit clingy when we arrived at Granny and Papa 's house . He sometimes looks a bit suspiciously at my Dad for a couple of hours before he ' warms up ' . This time he walked in , like he owned the place , and happily sat and played and ' chatted ' with Mum and Dad . What a great week for his social development . He let our friend , Ann , get him out of bed in the morning . He went out to play with the dogs , with Brent and Ann , without us . He was happy to be held by other people , even with us there . He went outside to look at the trees with Papa and loved it that Granny gave him a bath . I had been telling my Mum that Ann had been blowing bubbles for Felix with the soap , when he had a bath , just like she used to do when I was little . Mum decided to fill up a bucket of water outside , and let Felix play in it . As soon as he put his hands in the water he started to rub them together , just like Ann had done , so Mum went and got some soap and started blowing bubbles for him . He loved it ! He kept laughing and popping the bubbles before Mum had even finished blowing them . It was beautiful and sunny outside , so she let him splash in the water . She gave him a sponge and he filled it up with the water and squeezed it all over his clothes . When he was completely soaked , Mum got the watering can and poured it on his hands over and over again . I think he was loving being out in the hot sun after having a week of cooler weather . I know I was ! Felix has had an enormous appetite since we have been here on our holiday . It must have something to do with the cooler country air because I don 't think I 've ever seen him eat so much food . He has been eating his huge bowl of porridge with yoghurt in the morning , and is ready for a snack an hour later . After his sleep , he has wolfed down his lunch and then snacked all afternoon and still eaten dinner . The friends we are staying with didn 't know how to sign before we got here but , after two days , they both know how to sign ' more ' and ' eat ' because Felix is signing it every few minutes ! Actually , to their credit , they have both been asking how to sign various things and have picked it up so fast . It 's great to see Felix being able to communicate with other people , through sign , and have them understand what it is he 's saying . Our friends have been taking Felix out to their backyard to play with the dogs . One of their dogs can catch a large ball if it 's thrown up into the air , and Felix thinks it 's hysterically funny . He has developed the cutest giggle whenever one of us picks up the ball to throw it for the dog . Even if we kick the ball , or just chase the dog with him in our arms , he laughs his head off . He knows exactly where the back door of the house is now , so he has been going up to the people we 're staying with and signing ' dog ' and then almost running towards the back door . He is speaking the word " up " really well and asks to be picked up and taken back outside again . I don 't think he 's going to want to go home again after having extra people wrapped around his little finger . There is a massive bath tub at this house and , although he was a little bit wary of it at first , Felix is really enjoying having his baths in there ( although he 's scared of most of the bath toys ) . Our friend , Ann , has been blowing bubbles with soap at the edge of the bath when he 's in there , and he has started to copy her . When she rubs her hands together to make them all soapy , he rubs his hands together . When she rinses her hands by swishing them in the water , he has been doing that too . Tonight , she asked if he could blow like he was blowing bubbles , and he did it . He 's getting so good at mimicking things ! One of the funniest things that happened today was with our friend , Brent . Felix has been a little bit wary of him since we arrived . He smiles and makes funny faces at him across the room , but watches him to make sure he doesn 't get too close if he walks nearby . Felix had been a little bit braver today and was giving him ' high - fives ' and lots of smiles so , when Brent held out his arms to Felix to pick him up , I told him to grab him to see what he would do . Felix immediately put his head on Brent 's shoulder and snuggled into him without making a sound . The funny thing was that he wasn 't doing it because he wanted a cuddle , he was actually too scared to move ! He stayed that way until Brent walked him close to somebody else and then he leapt out of his arms as quickly as he could . It made us all laugh . He 's such a funny little thing sometimes ! I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person . |
I haven 't written any facts about Down Syndrome for a while , so I thought I 'd try and explain why some people with Down Syndrome are quite prone to putting on weight . A large percentage of people with Down Syndrome have some sort of thyroid condition , with hypothyroidism being the most common . Hypothyroidism means the person with it has an underactive thyroid ( in varying degrees from mild to severe ) . An underactive thyroid can make it very easy to put on weight , and can also contribute to depression and other symptoms . Weight gain , combined with a generally shorter than average stature , means that a lot of people with Down Syndrome can appear to be quite ' short and overweight ' . These days , babies born with Down Syndrome are monitored , from birth , with regular blood tests to keep an eye on their thyroid function . Felix had his checked twice in his first year of life and has annual blood tests now . If any abnormality is detected , these children will be medicated straight away and their parents will sometimes take them to a nutritionist to talk about ways to help control excessive weight gain , and healthy eating . We 're so lucky that Medical research has advanced so much over the past 20 years , and these sorts of issues can be monitored , and detected early , to give our kids the best chance of a healthy life . Felix 's generation , of people with Down Syndrome , will likely have less weight gain issues due to early detection of thyroid abnormalities . So far Felix 's thyroid function has been normal , but we 'll definitely be keeping an eye on it . Felix has been a delight these past few days ; very busy , but delightful ! He has been using his manners so well and nearly always signs ' please ' and ' thank you ' . His use of ' please ' has been really encouraging because he was getting to a point where he would just point at something and grunt , and get really frustrated that he couldn 't ask for it . Now that he can sign ' please ' , he can point to what he wants ( if he doesn 't know the sign ) , and ask ' please ' , but without the grunting . The sign for ' help ' has also been really useful and is one he uses all the time now . If his little stacking boats , that he plays with in the bath , are stuck together , he patiently puts them in his lap , looks up at me with those big , blue eyes and signs ' help ' . I was changing the sheets on my bed this afternoon . What is usually a fairly quick job to do , turned into a fun , but time consuming one . Felix thinks it 's hilarious when I shake out the clean sheets to spread them over the bed . He laughs his head off and tries to run underneath the sheets . I haven 't got the heart to make the bed when he 's having so much fun , so I waved the sheets around until my arms hurt . He stood underneath them and giggled and giggled , reaching his hands above his head to touch them . He was a very big helper when I had to put the pillowcases on the pillows . He pushed the pillows with all his might to get them inside the case and very proudly lifted them up and put them back on the bed when they were done . Such a cutie ! I 'm really proud of all 8 of our kids . It 's crazy that even though they have been brought up in the same family , they are all so different from each other . They all have their own strengths and weaknesses , likes and dislikes and varying hopes and dreams for their lives . This week we celebrated with our 16 year old son , Joshua , as he received awards for outstanding academic achievement in year 11 . He excelled in English , Mathematics , Chemisty and Physics , and got a fantastic grade for Biology as well . He is entering his final year of school next year and hopes to get high enough grades to do Veterinary Science at University . We are so incredibly proud of how hard he has worked and how determined he has been to do well . Joshua 's success this week has made me stop and think about all of our kids , and the different things I 'm proud of them for . I think it 's easy to look at academic success as being more important than other things but , I can honestly say , what is most important to me is the type of people our kids are becoming . It makes me so proud to see them being good friends and looking out for other people or nurturing their own siblings . I love hearing about Amy cooking a meal for Bekah when she 's sick and taking it to her house . I love watching Isaiah being incredibly patient with Felix when he 's in a grumpy mood . I love how Joshua has such a wonderful work ethic . I 've enjoyed seeing Joel become a beautiful Father to his little boy . Aaron never fails to make us laugh with his hilarious sense of humour ; and Daniel may be nearly 23 years old but still tells me he loves me . I love hearing Bekah telling everyone she knows , how proud she is of her little brother , who has Down Syndrome . I thought I 'd share one of our Christmas traditions with you . About a month or so before Christmas , every year , whoever is going to be here on Christmas Day ( kids , Grandparents & friends ) , tell us what their favourite food is . On Christmas Day , we cook every single person 's favourite dish and put it on the table to share . The food selection is fairly eclectic , but there is something on the table which each person loves . One year there was even a plate of Vegemite sandwiches ( a 3 year old 's request ) . This has become the tradition the kids love more than anything else . In fact , Joshua told me today , that he enjoys our meal even more than presents ! Now if Felix would just hurry up and decide what his favourite food is going to be . . . . What a beautiful piece of encouragement I received today ! A lovely young Mum I met at playgroup , about a year ago , sent me the following message today . I asked her if I could publish it here on my blog as an encouragement to other parents of children with Down Syndrome . Our kids really are changing people 's perceptions , one smile at a time . I have removed her son 's name for privacy reasons . " I look through all your photos and blogs of Felix and I am truly amazed at what an amazing little guy he is ! before I met you guys I thought1 - people who have Down syndrome are always chubby ! 2 - they are aggressive 3 - they don 't learn the same 4 - they don 't fit into society . how WRONG am I ! ! ! ! I 'm ashamed now to think i thought this , but it 's like the saying " people fear the unknown " and this was me ! Felix ( as I 'm sure all do ! ) throws this out the window ! He is so happy ( yes I know not all the time , but who is ? ! ) he isn 't chubby ( ' My son ' is wayyyy bigger lol ) He is so clever ! He may not be talking much , but look at his signing ! How he knows nursery rhymes , etc ! And he DEFINITELY fits into society ! ! what a beautiful and brilliant child you have , and I 'm so lucky to have met you guys and to throw all my misconceptions out the door ! " I feel so encouraged to know that people , who don 't have children with Down Syndrome , are willing to learn and educate themselves , and have embraced Felix as one of their own . It means so much to me , and I would like to say a huge thank you to all of you who have asked questions , played with Felix and included him . I am constantly blown away by your willingness to change your perceptions about people with Down Syndrome . Thank you for loving our little boy and for seeing beyond the diagnosis of ' Down Syndrome ' . Thank you also for celebrating his little milestones with me and my family ! The last few days , we have been focussing on manners , with Felix . We are asking him to sign ' please ' and ' thank you ' . Several times today he has signed , ' help please ' instead of just ' help ' , so he 's catching on really fast . Yesterday he was a bit grumpy and was grunting at me because he wanted me to pass his cup . I asked him to sign ' please ' , but he shook his head ' No ' . I kept asking him to sign ' please ' and he kept shaking his head . Eventually he gave me a big smile and signed ' please ' . Such a cheeky boy sometimes . Felix spent the morning at Special Needs Playgroup this morning . He enjoyed playing with the train set and doing some puzzles . As usual , he loved the singing and putting his photo up on the board after the ' welcome song ' . He put his photo up crooked initially , so he stood there and turned it around until it was perfectly straight and then waited for everyone to clap because he was so clever . When it was time to leave , he gave his teacher and the Mum and sister of another little boy , a kiss . Talk about being charming ! One thing I have always loved , about having little ones , is watching their faces when they experience something new . The older kids reactions were usually predictable , but Felix 's reactions are often a surprise . The things I think he might be frightened off , he isn 't , but then he may be a bit scared by something I thought he would be OK with . Last night was the local Christmas pageant in our town of 22 , 000 people . I think nearly everyone in town lined the streets to welcome Santa ! It was great to see so many happy , smiling faces and excited children . Although Felix went to the pageant last year , he was still pretty little , so I was looking forward to seeing if he enjoyed it this year . It was our Grandson , Noah 's , first pageant and , to get to spend it with him as well , was pretty special . As soon as we arrived on the main street , pushing Felix along on his little tricycle , he started pointing at all the people and didn 't quite know where to look first . It was looking pretty promising . We spread out a mat on the kerb and sat Felix down with us . He looked excited straight away . At the beginning of every Christmas pageant , a whole bunch of motorbikes ride past before the pageant officially starts . The noise is pretty loud because they ride past so close to where everyone is sitting and , straight away , I looked at Felix to see if he was going to cope with it . His face was hilarious . I could tell that part of him was absolutely terrified but , at the same time , he was totally fascinated and couldn 't take his eyes off the bikes . He pointed and there were plenty of " Oooooh 's " and " Aaaaah 's " . Every so often , he gave Aaron a quick cuddle , for reassurance , but then he stood straight back up to watch the bikes again . He was so brave , and we were really proud of him . After the motorbikes , there was a Police car with it 's lights flashing and siren sounding . Felix wasn 't quite sure about the noise , and cuddled Daddy but didn 't take his eyes off the car for a second . Once the Police car had gone past , the pageant started . Felix loved it ! There was so much to see and so many colours and sounds . His eyes went from one thing to the other . Every so often , he gave us a little hug but he seemed to be having a really good time . He even waved to the people on the floats which was awesome ! There was a ' Very Hungry Caterpillar ' float which he loved , and he also loved the animal rescue float that had real dogs on it . When Santa 's float arrived , Felix waved and pointed but , as we found out later , he wasn 't so impressed with Santa up close ! When the pageant had finished , we all walked to the gardens near the beach to have some dinner . There were lots of food stalls set up and some activities for the older kids to do . We spread out our mat on the grass and ate our food in the sunshine . Felix was getting pretty tired by this point but , when I saw Santa walking through the crowd , I just had to take Felix over to him to see how he would react . I had a feeling it would probably be disastrous , and it was . Felix was fine until we were within a metre of Santa , and then he started shaking and buried his head in my shoulder and started crying . I couldn 't help it , I had to get someone to take a quick photo anyway . It 's definitely a very memorable photo and , I 'm sure it will give us all plenty of laughs in years to come ! It 's getting to that time of the year . The calendar is filling up and there seems to be countless places to be , people to visit , gifts to buy and appointments to squeeze in before Christmas . It 's so easy to feel rushed and stressed out . It 's times like this when I am again reminded of the sweet simplicity that Felix brings to our lives . He doesn 't care about parties or presents , and certainly isn 't bothered whether we get to places on time . He just likes to stop and enjoy life . There have been so many times over the past couple of weeks when I have felt pressed for time , but Felix has brought me a book and I have sat down and read it to him . Then he has gone and chosen another book and I have read that one too . Before I have even realised , I have read several books , sung a few songs and made him giggle by chasing him up the hallway . I have still managed to get the things done that I have needed to , so far , but have also stopped to smell the roses along the way . Thanks Felix for reminding me , again , of what 's important ! In the last couple of days , I had to do a ( very quick ) overnight trip to Adelaide . Felix , once again , behaved like a seasoned traveller , sitting happily for 5 hours in the car each way , chatting and watching his DVD 's and doing the actions to his favourite songs . He was so excited to see my parents , and walked into their house like it was his . I had to drop him off there and head straight back out again , but he wasn 't bothered at all to say goodbye . He was busy stacking plastic containers with Granny . He had a great afternoon with his Granny and Papa , digging in the dirt outside and attaching clothes pegs to Papa 's shirt . My Mum bragged that he ate constantly when I was out , which was awesome because he usually goes on a hunger strike and refuses to eat for anyone but Nathan , the older kids or me . Another little first for Felix . My attempt at Felix 's footprint Snowmen Ifinished today . They are made the sameway as the handprint Santas . 1 cup plain flour , 1 / 2 cup salt , 1 / 2 cup waterMix well . Roll out and push hand / foot downfirmly . Make hole to hang . Allow to dry for 4 days , turning after 2 days . Paint as you like . Bekah ( 19 ) , was so happy to see Felix and , although it wasn 't a long visit , had a play with him and lots and lots of cuddles . Felix hasn 't seen her for ages , but he held his arms out to her straight away which she loved . He really does adore his older siblings , and I 'm so thankful that he has the seven of them to watch out for him and share new experiences with him as he grows . Daniel and Cate , Joel and Joshua all got to spend some time playing with Felix over the last couple of days , and he enjoyed being the centre of attention . After a busy couple of days it 's nice to be home again . Felix was happy to get out of the car and stretch his legs a bit , and was especially glad to see his Daddy . He has been a little bit grumpy since we got back ( ten hours of driving in two days will do that to you ) , so he was more than happy to go to bed tonight . He tucked his technicoloured monkey under one arm , and his ugly sock cat under the other ; then he lay down on his tummy with the two of them slightly underneath him . As usual , he pulled his knees up and stuck his bottom up in the air , totally oblivious to us still standing there for one last look at him before we shut the door . Who needs Christmas presents ? He is such a perfect little gift to us ! Felix was a bundle of energy at Kindergym today even though there was a huge group of kids there . He flinched every now and again when another child rushed past him , and he always inspected the thing he wanted to climb on , to make sure there were no other children on it already . Apart from that , he did so well and it was really obvious that his new found confidence is still there . There were a couple of memorable moments this morning . At one point , Felix was leaning up against a big padded mat when another little boy came up behind him to give him a cuddle . As soon as Felix sensed him there , he looked a bit worried and quickly started to crawl towards me , across the mat . The little boy thought it was hilarious and decided to copy Felix , so he started crawling behind him . Felix realised that the little boy was still there , so he stood up and started to walk as fast as he could towards me . The other boy laughed again and shadowed Felix all the way . Felix looked more and more worried until he reached me but , after a quick cuddle , was actually OK and didn 't melt down completely . Another small step in the right direction ! Another great thing about this morning was that Felix went up to a lady , I had just met , and held out his arms to her for a cuddle . She thought it was lovely when he held on for a big squeeze , and I thought it was fantastic that he felt confident enough to do it ! She obviously gave good cuddles because he went back a second time a bit later . Halfway through Kindergym , the lady who runs it walks around and puts a stamp on the children 's hands . Felix loves getting a stamp but he 's usually quite shy about holding out his hand . Today the lady sat down beside Felix , as she usually does , and he came over and patted her on the arm a couple of times and gave her a big smile . It was so awesome ! He then happily held out his hand for a stamp , and then wanted one on the other hand as well . I was so proud of him . It was scorching hot here today ; perfect for a big play in the paddling pool for Felix . The hot weather doesn 't seem to bother him at all and , from first thing this morning , all he wanted to do was be outside . As soon as I filled up his pool , he got straight in there , splashing around and having a great time . At one point he thought it would be fun to throw sand from the sandpit into the water . He was very vocal when he was throwing it in , and was telling a great story . I love the way he can entertain himself for long periods of time , and the way he is using his imagination to create games for himself . I enjoy sitting and watching him play like that . Tonight , Felix did something which amazed us ! He has an application on his ipad called LunchBox . There are several different tasks to complete ; matching colours and shapes , choosing the odd one out etc . After three levels are completed , he is rewarded with a sticker , of his choice , which he can slide up onto a sticker board . For quite some time , Felix has been able to do most of the levels with little , if any , assistance . However , he has had trouble with one level which requires him to put together a puzzle , with four pieces , by sliding them into the correct position then letting go . On the very odd occasion he has managed to put one piece in the right spot , but tonight he completed the whole puzzle not once , but twice ! Nathan elbowed me and pointed towards Felix . He was concentrating so hard on doing the puzzle . He dropped the pieces several times , but kept trying again and again and again , until he finally did it . We were both so excited , and can 't help but marvel at his persistence . I know that I would become impatient if I had to try so many times and would probably give up , but he just keeps trying until he has something perfected . He is such an inspiration ! Another thing we have noticed , recently , is that Felix is getting really good at kicking a ball around and will kick any ball no matter what size it is . He is so steady on his feet and just loves to kick the ball up and down the hallway . He is slowly learning to kick it in different ways to change it 's direction too . Nathan and I both despise soccer , but are beginning to think we may have to start taking an interest in it because , if he keeps this up , he may want to play it when he 's a bit older . The things we do for our kids ! Haha ! For any of you with fussy eaters , I have recently discovered something wonderful for getting some extra nourishment into Felix . He 's usually a great eater but lately , at dinner time , he 's not really interested in food . I have started making him smoothies with fresh fruit , soy milk , a tiny bit of soy yoghurt , and a huge handful of fresh spinach . I blend it until it 's completely smooth and he drinks it down in minutes . You can 't taste the spinach at all , and it 's delicious ! I 'm looking into finding some sort of flavourless fish oil to put in there as well ( he hates having fish oil ) , so if anyone can suggest anything , I would appreciate your help . I better mention too , that Felix woke up this morning back to his usual self so I didn 't take him to the Doctor . He must have just been feeling a bit off the last couple of days . It 's good to have our happy boy back ! Felix had a bit of a rough start to the morning . He has been a little bit miserable the last couple of days , so he has been really clingy , and woke up the same today . After some cuddles with me , in my bed , he started to seem a bit happier and had a play with his ipad for a while . A few minutes later I turned away for a second and , when I looked back , Felix was standing up right on the edge of the bed . Before I had a chance to react , he toppled off , head first ! He had a little bump , but was fine otherwise . It put the poor little guy back to square one , as far as feeling miserable , and meant that , for the rest of the morning , I had a permanent attachment to my hip ! I think I 'll take him to the Doctor tomorrow , just to check that his ears aren 't bothering him again . His surgery ( for grommets ) is in a few weeks , so I 'm hoping he 'll make it until then without an infection . I decided to take Felix to the Special Needs Playgroup this morning , in the hope that a change of scenery might cheer him up a bit . He seemed really happy to be there until he realised that other children had arrived . He was fine with one little boy , but there was a little girl there who was very vocal ( and when she screamed , he buried his head in my lap ) . Felix really doesn 't cope well with high pitched noises still , so that set him back a bit today . When it came to song time , Felix was the only one who went and sat on the little chairs . Being a playgroup for kids with additional needs , the teacher never puts any pressure on the kids to join in , unless they feel comfortable to . All the children have different issues ; physical , intellectual and behavioural and are different ages , so there is no simple routine that suits all of the kids all of the time . Felix really enjoys music , so he is always happy to participate in that aspect of playgroup . He did so well this morning , signing the words to the songs he knew and laughing when we did the actions . It was nice to see him smiling . The Speech Pathologist was there today and spent some time with Felix . She was really pleased , when she saw him signing to the songs , and heard him making some good speech sounds when he was playing too . After a big afternoon sleep , Felix seemed a bit happier for a while . He walked up and down our hallway blowing on a recorder from his music box . I am so pleased that he is able to make it whistle now , but I am thinking about investing in some earplugs ( The recorder must be the most painful sounding instrument ever invented ! ) I think I 'm going to have to get used to the sound , because every time he blows the recorder , I tell him how clever he is , so he does it even more . After he makes some ' music ' , he takes it out of his mouth and laughs out loud , which is adorable . I told the Speech Pathologist about his new trick and she looked genuinely surprised that he could do it . Needless to say , she was really pleased ! Yesterday , I spent the day photographing Joel , Mel and Noah at the beach , and then took some Christmas photos of Noah and Felix together . Felix , not being his usual self , was a bit hard to photograph , but I ended up with a few I 'm really happy with . I thought I 'd post a few on my blog today . Felix spent the morning with Daddy this morning so I could get some Christmas shopping done , without my little ' helper ' . Nathan took him over to the park for a play . He said that Felix was less than enthusiastic with the small slide , but laughed his head off when he went down the big slide . He really loves being outside , so having a park across the road from our house is handy . Sometimes he likes to throw a ball around on the grass and other times , like today , he enjoys the playground . Nathan said they had a curious magpie watching their every move at the park today . Nathan was sure it was about to swoop them and was relieved when it didn 't . When Nathan and Felix got back from the park , they played with some of Felix 's toys and looked at some books . Judging by the mess I saw , when I got home , they had a great time ! Nathan told me he 'd left the room for a minute and came back to find Felix standing in Isaiah 's big sneakers by the front door . Knowing the first thing I would ask is , " Did you get a photo of it ? " , Nathan ran and got the camera and managed to get a quick photo of Felix still standing in the big shoes . They make him look so tiny ! Today we decided to put up the Christmas tree . I was pretty excited because Felix is old enough this year to join in with us . He wasn 't so sure about the undecorated tree , and I 'm sure he was wondering what on earth a tree was doing up on our coffee table , but he soon worked out what to do and was reaching up to put decorations on it ( with a little bit of help ) . He loved the string of gold beads and wasn 't impressed when we had to unravel them from him to put them on the tree . What can I say ? He has always loved his beads ! The older boys know how much I love ' tree decorating day ' and , bless them , they try really hard to feign excitement and join in , but they all look pretty relieved when the decorations are all hung . Nathan lightens the mood every year by hiding random objects ( eg . plastic dinosaurs and spiders ) in the tree , hoping I don 't notice and tell him off . The boys think it 's hilarious ! So , I am super excited to have a 2 year old in the house this year , and a 6 month old Grandson . They are so much more fun than teenage boys when it comes to the magic of Christmas ( no offence boys ; I love you to bits ) . I can 't wait until Christmas day to see the excitement on Felix and Noah 's faces as they enjoy scrunching up wrapping paper and playing with empty boxes ( which I 'm sure they 'll love even more than their actual gifts ! ) After a very busy day , Felix was really grumpy this afternoon . It 's quite out of character for him to be so moody . He wasn 't happy to be playing and wanted to be picked up . When he asked to be put down , he would start to cry and not want to go down . He didn 't even eat much for dinner . I noticed he has a bit of a runny nose so I hope he 's not getting sick . The great thing about Felix is that he loves his bed . If we think he 's unwell or really tired , we can put him to bed an hour earlier than usual and he 'll blow us kisses and lay straight down . We haven 't heard a single sound from his room since he went to bed tonight so hopefully , after a good night sleep , he 'll be back to his usual self tomorrow . Felix was a bundle of mischief when he woke up this morning . Before I even had a chance to focus my eyes , he had already posted his night nappy and a tube of cream in the toilet , and it wasn 't even 7am ! This theme continued throughout the morning . First , I realised that he had learnt how to unlock the ipad . As annoying as that is , I must admit I was pretty proud at how clever he can be at working things out . He can open the cupboards in the kitchen now , so he had all the plastic cups and bowls out and was stacking them on the floor while I did the dishes . I don 't mind , except that if I don 't watch him carefully , he tries to grab the breakable bowls and plates as well . He opened a drawer and found a roll of garbage bags which he had a great time rolling across the floor until they all unravelled . I also realised today , that Felix has grown taller and can reach his hands up onto the table and grab anything that 's left too close to the edge . I 'm really wishing I , literally , had eyes in the back of my head ! I haven 't done any of Felix 's handprints for a while , so I got out the paint to do them today . Felix thought it was great , squelching the paint in his hands . He even got the hang of opening up his hand and putting it flat onto the paper , and was a little bit annoyed with me when we were finished and he had to have his hands cleaned up . I think he would have been happy to sit there all day . Some of Felix 's favourite toys are his musical instruments . He absolutely loves his tambourine and his maracas , and will sometimes sit for ages and play his xylophone . He 's been so good at sharing with Noah and , even if he takes something off him , he will give it a quick shake and put it back in Noah 's hand . Felix has a whistle in his toybox and will often bring it to one of us to blow . Yesterday I blew the whistle and handed it back to Felix . He put it in his mouth and actually blew it for the very first time ! I was really pleased because I know that some kids take a long time to learn how to use the correct position with their mouth to blow into a whistle , or blow out candles . I 'm sure his Speech Pathologist will be very impressed ! We have had Noah visiting our house quite a lot over the last few days and it warms my heart to see how much more comfortable Felix is getting with him . Not only is he sharing really nicely with Noah , but he is stroking his head and giving him lots of attention . Noah has even picked up on a couple of Felix 's crazy faces . Today , for the first time , Felix gave Noah not one , but two kisses ! As the Mum of one , and the Granny of the other , it was one of those memorable moments that will be with me forever . Tonight I was very proud to take some photos of Joel and Mel , all dressed up for their school formal . They both looked amazing , and had dressed Noah up in a cute little shirt for some of the photos too . They are beautiful parents to their precious little man , and there 's no doubt that Noah knows he 's loved to bits ! Today would usually be Kindergym day , but we 've had a fairly hectic week so far , so I decided that some time at home would be a good idea . I like Felix 's and my days at home together . It gives me a chance to really pay attention to all the new things he is learning , and to spend lots of time with him , one on one . Our quiet days are some of my favourites . Felix showed me how much he is learning about helping , and following instructions . He is fascinated with our recycling bin because it is often full of empty bottles , jars and boxes ; quite appealing to a two year old 's eyes . Very often I catch him pulling an empty soft drink bottle out of the bin , and walking away with it . Usually if I take it away from him and put it back in the bin , he will take it straight back out again . This morning I tried something different , and asked him to put the bottle back himself . It worked . He walked back over to the bin and put it inside . I clapped my hands and told him he 'd done well , and he was happy with that and walked away . Job well done ! I came back down the hallway , after putting some washing on , to find that Felix had pulled a pile of his books off the book shelf . I don 't mind because usually , he does actually read them so it 's a ' creative ' mess ! Today he wasn 't terribly interested in looking at them , and had pulled them off the shelf because he was bored . I started to put the books back on the shelf when Felix came over and began to help me . He picked up a book and put it on the shelf , in the correct spot , and made sure it was up the right way and pushed in nice and straight . I was pretty impressed , but thought it might have been a fluke . I pointed to another book on the floor and he picked that one up and did exactly the same thing , putting it perfectly on the shelf . He continued until all the books were neatly put away . I could get used to this tidiness ! Felix helped me with a few other things today . He passed me the wet washing so I could hang it up to dry . He helped me push our big , heavy coffee table to get it ready to put the Christmas tree on ( giggling the whole time ) . He even turned around in the trolley seat at the supermarket and passed me all of the groceries he could reach , so I could put them up on the counter . It sure beats what he used to do , throwing the shopping out of the trolley and onto the ground ! One thing he wasn 't so helpful with was wrapping up a Christmas present . He seemed to think it was great that his head fit underneath the wrapping paper . A few repairs later and the gift was finally wrapped up . I 'm enjoying my new little helper . I hope he still likes to help even when he realises that it 's something he has to do all the time ! Felix has always been pretty good with the dogs , if they were laying down , but if they were walking around he sometimes looked a bit worried . Most of our dogs are pretty huge so , to him , it would be the equivalent of a horse wanting to lick us in the face , rushing towards us and whipping us with its ' tail . Today , however , he took it all in his stride . All four dogs ( Joel 's massive doberman is staying with us at the moment ) , wandered around with Felix giving him the occasional lick or swipe with their tail . He was completely unbothered by them . He did a lot of pointing and " oooohs " and " aaaaahs " , and looked like he was telling the dogs what to do . It was really great to see him so relaxed with them all . I 'm sure it helps that he is much more steady on his feet now , and a lot more sure of himself ! Our gorgeous little Grandson , Noah , came around for a visit today . Joel and Mel had some things to do , so Noah stayed with us for a play . I had just got back from doing some Christmas shopping and had a couple of bags full of wrapping paper , ribbons and Christmas decorations . Noah and Uncle Felix sat together and pulled everything out of the bags ; it was like an early Christmas ! They played with plastic cups , empty boxes and gift bags ( which now have a little bit of Noah 's slobber on them to make them extra special ) . They had a wonderful time and the best bit was that Felix sat right next to Noah , happily playing with him , without a care in the world . He 's normally so wary of him , but today he looked so comfortable with him and even took turns sharing things with him . It was a very precious Uncle and nephew moment ! After the boys had got tired of the Christmas things , I took them outside to play in the sandpit . Felix played with the sand , and Noah sat in the empty half of the clam shell and played with some buckets and spades . I didn 't think his Mum and Dad would appreciate coming home to find him covered in sand , and he didn 't seem to mind . Felix thought it was pretty funny to see someone else sitting in his sandpit , but he seemed quite happy to offer Noah some things to play with . We recently put a couple of solar powered butterflies in our garden , next to the sandpit , and both boys were fascinated with them . Felix signed ' butterfly ' and pointed to them to show Noah . It was pretty adorable . I love our boys ! When we were on our holiday , I didn 't worry too much about toilet training . Felix was unfamiliar with the house we were staying in and wouldn 't have known where the toilet was , so I thought we 'd leave it until we got home . When we got back , we had barely walked in the door when Felix walked straight in to the bathroom , picked up his potty seat and put it on the toilet . He signed ' toilet ' and then sat on there and did a huge wee ! ! By the sound of it , it was almost as if he 'd been saving it up all week ! He used the toilet a couple of times after that and has been the same today . I was sure that a six day break might put him back a bit , but he picked up exactly where he left off before we went away . It was a nice surprise . The weather is starting to warm up so , hopefully , we 'll be able to try him in his little jocks soon and leave his nappies off . Felix has always been the master of funny faces and he 's recently added a couple more to his repertoire . I mentioned the face he started to make when he looked at our friend , Brent . We have nicknamed it the ' Brent face ' . He squints his eyes really tightly and then does a big cheesy grin . He started doing it whenever he looked at Brent , but he 's continued to do it since we got home . He even does it when he 's walking sometimes , and nearly walks into the walls because he can 't see . He 's so funny ! It 's almost as if he 's experimenting with what he can see when he squeezes his eyes shut . I wonder how long he 'll keep doing it for ? He sure keeps us entertained ! He 's also started to make a face if he is trying to push a block into a shape sorter and can 't quite get it in . It 's a bit like his ' crazy face ' , where he sticks out his bottom teeth and opens his eyes wide . When he 's pushing on the shapes to try and get them in the hole , he makes the face and shakes his body . We can 't help but laugh at him , so he does it over and over again . I 'm posting a video today of him doing this face , because I thought it might make you smile ! We have just got home after a wonderful 6 days away . I still can 't get over how well Felix travels . We drove for close to 20 hours over the last week and he didn 't even grizzle once ! He doesn 't sleep much in the car , but is happy to munch on some food , drink his juice , watch his DVD player and read his books . Every now and again , whoever wasn 't driving would reach around and tickle his toes and make him laugh . For the first time ever , Felix looked out of the window and noticed when we pointed out the cows in the paddocks . I can 't wait until he 's older so we can show him more things along the way . He would have loved all the animals we saw on this trip ; cows , alpacas , sheep , a brown snake , lizards , two koalas , a fox and even a turtle , who ambled across the road and was lucky not to get run over ! There were plenty of kangaroos , but they had already become victims of passing cars : ( While we were away I took Felix to visit my cousin , who I haven 't seen for ages . She has a gorgeous little boy , Darcy , who is a bit younger than Felix . I was really pleased to see that , after being a bit unsure at first , Felix actually interacted really well with Darcy . He wasn 't frightened of him , like he can be with other little ones sometimes , and he even reached out and stroked his head when we were taking some photos . I couldn 't believe it ! At one point , Felix and Darcy were throwing a balloon back and forwards to each other . It was really cute and was certainly a big step for Felix . It was great to see them playing together so well . Felix gave my cousin a quick cuddle , and gave her and her husband a high - five when we left . It was fantastic to see him responding so well to people , in unfamiliar surroundings , and looking really comfortable ! When we arrived back in Adelaide , for a quick stop over with my parents , Felix seemed really relaxed and happy . He 's had so many new experiences this week and seemed to cope with all of them well . He appeared to have a new confidence and wasn 't the slightest bit clingy when we arrived at Granny and Papa 's house . He sometimes looks a bit suspiciously at my Dad for a couple of hours before he ' warms up ' . This time he walked in , like he owned the place , and happily sat and played and ' chatted ' with Mum and Dad . What a great week for his social development . He let our friend , Ann , get him out of bed in the morning . He went out to play with the dogs , with Brent and Ann , without us . He was happy to be held by other people , even with us there . He went outside to look at the trees with Papa and loved it that Granny gave him a bath . I had been telling my Mum that Ann had been blowing bubbles for Felix with the soap , when he had a bath , just like she used to do when I was little . Mum decided to fill up a bucket of water outside , and let Felix play in it . As soon as he put his hands in the water he started to rub them together , just like Ann had done , so Mum went and got some soap and started blowing bubbles for him . He loved it ! He kept laughing and popping the bubbles before Mum had even finished blowing them . It was beautiful and sunny outside , so she let him splash in the water . She gave him a sponge and he filled it up with the water and squeezed it all over his clothes . When he was completely soaked , Mum got the watering can and poured it on his hands over and over again . I think he was loving being out in the hot sun after having a week of cooler weather . I know I was ! Felix has had an enormous appetite since we have been here on our holiday . It must have something to do with the cooler country air because I don 't think I 've ever seen him eat so much food . He has been eating his huge bowl of porridge with yoghurt in the morning , and is ready for a snack an hour later . After his sleep , he has wolfed down his lunch and then snacked all afternoon and still eaten dinner . The friends we are staying with didn 't know how to sign before we got here but , after two days , they both know how to sign ' more ' and ' eat ' because Felix is signing it every few minutes ! Actually , to their credit , they have both been asking how to sign various things and have picked it up so fast . It 's great to see Felix being able to communicate with other people , through sign , and have them understand what it is he 's saying . Our friends have been taking Felix out to their backyard to play with the dogs . One of their dogs can catch a large ball if it 's thrown up into the air , and Felix thinks it 's hysterically funny . He has developed the cutest giggle whenever one of us picks up the ball to throw it for the dog . Even if we kick the ball , or just chase the dog with him in our arms , he laughs his head off . He knows exactly where the back door of the house is now , so he has been going up to the people we 're staying with and signing ' dog ' and then almost running towards the back door . He is speaking the word " up " really well and asks to be picked up and taken back outside again . I don 't think he 's going to want to go home again after having extra people wrapped around his little finger . There is a massive bath tub at this house and , although he was a little bit wary of it at first , Felix is really enjoying having his baths in there ( although he 's scared of most of the bath toys ) . Our friend , Ann , has been blowing bubbles with soap at the edge of the bath when he 's in there , and he has started to copy her . When she rubs her hands together to make them all soapy , he rubs his hands together . When she rinses her hands by swishing them in the water , he has been doing that too . Tonight , she asked if he could blow like he was blowing bubbles , and he did it . He 's getting so good at mimicking things ! One of the funniest things that happened today was with our friend , Brent . Felix has been a little bit wary of him since we arrived . He smiles and makes funny faces at him across the room , but watches him to make sure he doesn 't get too close if he walks nearby . Felix had been a little bit braver today and was giving him ' high - fives ' and lots of smiles so , when Brent held out his arms to Felix to pick him up , I told him to grab him to see what he would do . Felix immediately put his head on Brent 's shoulder and snuggled into him without making a sound . The funny thing was that he wasn 't doing it because he wanted a cuddle , he was actually too scared to move ! He stayed that way until Brent walked him close to somebody else and then he leapt out of his arms as quickly as he could . It made us all laugh . He 's such a funny little thing sometimes ! I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person . |
Young people that left their home for various reasons . They sneak through the corners of Miami , Florida . Behind the curtain where they are not disturbed . There are hundreds of them . Some of them get around better than the other . Some of them earned names , fear and respect . Groups formed . And another one is to be . I 've been eyeing you for some time now . I could use your talents . If you want someone to have your back be at the old ' ' Westeros ' ' hotel tomorrow at sunset . You find this note somewhere in your belongings . On the back of it , a signature from the sender and more details about where the place is . A hotel that closed three years ago . The beach next to it became too filled with junk and the hotel closed down . Being away from the city didn 't do it justice . But maybe it could do some to you . Travis stood on the roof of a old rusty building contemplating the jump from where he was to the next spot . Extending his fingers he parted his lips and took a deep breath before backing up a few and running in full speed . One his feet felt the tip he jump feeling the rush as he was in the air . The probability of making it or failing was 50 / 50 but he had been doing this for years and once he landed Travis looked back at the distance and smiled to himself . Hmm getting better . He opened the roof door and jogged down the flight of stairs . Once reaching the bottom he walked over to the pile of boxes and retrieved his backpack and jacket . No one noticed him walk out the building and Travis made sure of that . After walking for about fifteen minutes he walked down towards the beach area and sat down on the steps watching people talk to family and friends , even loved ones . He frowned slightly remembering his own parents , especially his father . To everyone else it was almost like he was invisible , too wrapped up in conversations or actions of their own but to Travis he saw endless opportunities to get exactly what he wanted and that was money . Travis stood up and ran his hand through his hair as his eyes darted back and forth to find his targets . The first was a middle aged guy who was trying to flirt wit a woman much younger than him which from Travis 's perception the guy was trying way to hard but hey , it wasn 't him . He casually began walking over and when he got close enough he stumbled somewhat brushing into the man who glanced over . Travis put a hand up , " Aye sorry man " . The guy looked away turning his attention back to the woman who was gradually loosing interest . He made sure not to linger too long before the man reached into his pocket and realized his wallet had gone missing . Once out of the mans sight Travis pulled out the wallet and took the cash out shoving it into his pocket and then placing the wallet down on a nearby bench . After pocketing three more wallets and a necklace he started back to the building when he heard someone shouting after him . " Hey you there " Travis turned but kept his distance eyeing the guy . He knew he could take him but he didn 't want to with people watching . " Yeah what do you want ? " " I saw the necklace on you and I liked it , so how about you hand it over " Travis was about to open his mouth and say something smart when two more guys showed up behind the guy . Heh a thief getting robbed ? No way . He turned and booked it in full sprint cutting through the alley ways . he lost the fist guy once he jumped over the fence and around the corner the other two stayed on him and Travis rolled his eyes . Damn can 't a guy get a break ? All this for a necklace ? . He cut through the abandon buildings and up to the roof before jumping down to the next . The two guys who were once tailing him stopped and glared at him . " Whatever we know your face " . Travis turned and simply flicked them off before jumping again and diapering out of sight . After he knew the guys had stopped following him Travis opened his bag to shove his jacket in when he noticed a letter in his bag . Travis reached down and grabbed the letter and began to read it : I 've been eyeing you for some time now . I could use your talents . If you want someone to have your back be at the old ' ' Westeros ' ' hotel tomorrow at sunset . Someone had been watching him all this time ? He was so sure that nobody had been paying him any attention but clearly he was wrong . He stared at the letter for a moment and then sighed . If someone was watching him he assumed that whoever it was wasn 't going to leave him alone . Guess I 'm heading to Westeros Hotel . It was a shit life . It had always been that way . It was almost as if his life had been planned that way . Though , for most people , it seemed that way , too . There were always going to be people who drew the short stick when it came to privaledges and the comfy , luxurious life . They would always be the underdogs of the planet , but the only difference was , nobody was rooting for them . Alistair . He wasn 't anything special . However , he loved to see the world through different eyes . The people who seemed weak , were strong in their own advances . Those who were born with specialties , were free in their own brain . The world , however , saw things in only black and white . You had the poor , the rich . The gifted , and the stupid . Alistair had seen these people . Those were different , and belonged to something else . Something bigger than them . Somewhere they could belong . It wasn 't easy . Picking out the certain people among the thousands who seemed perfect . It was hard , and tedious , but he found them . The perfect people to live among . Those who could relate and understand . The perfect master 's of the Streets . First , you needed somebody to sweet - talk the people who turned their head . This was a woman hard to find , but he found her . She was always different , from the day he started watching her . It seemed a little creepy , but it was only way to determine if she was the right one . She was beautiful , elegant , but with something much darker beneath it all . He assumed it was one of those things that she saw , and others didnt . Giving Alice the note was more difficult than he thought possible . He job gave him the skills to slip in and out unnoticed , but she had the insight of a hawk . He managed to give it to her , sutbly slipping it into the back pocket of her opened bag without being noticed . It was simple , bumping into her and pretending his hand never slipped inside of her bag . Next , you needed the brawn , the Muscle . Somebody to assert themselves and not be afraid . She was poor , but unafraid . She could charge into a den full of Lions , and the big cats would tremble in fear . She was the truely the bulk of the party . What surprised him more , was the fact that she was a woman . Alistair had been afraid to give her the note , for fear that she would beat the shit out of him if she found him . Kaylee was somebody he needed on his side , because if he didnt , things could possibly get ugly . He did it , however , slipping it into her bag when she turned away . He hoped more than anything that she would find it , and that it didnt fall out into the streets , and some poor soul would stuble upon it . It seemed to cliche , putting it into their bags , but it was the only thing they carried . They didnt have homes where he could slip it under the door , or a place he could rest it so they might stumble upon it . Doing this was a major risk , but he figured these people were worth it . People need to eat , right ? You # 3 Alice typed in a code into the building 's security code . It was one of those usual codes buildings had so not everyone could walk in . The building was nice - looking , in blue and yellow tones . It could be seen it was nicely maintained . Alice proceeded up the stairs towards the third floor and there she stopped in front of the 34B apartment . The girl took a look around , but no one but her was here . Quietly , she took out a small key from the back of her jeans , if anyone tried to take it she would have felt it , and unlocked the wooden doors . Quietly . The moment she was in she locked the doors , leaving the small key in . Alice took a look around . Huh . Not bad . She thought as she started to walk around . This was the first time she has been in this apartment , just like many others places before . This is how Alice lives . Finds out when people go away for a time , and then lives in their homes until they come back , never knowing she was there . This place looked to belong to a single woman , judging by the pictures along the hallways and the apartment itself . Only one bed . After around twenty minutes later when Alice was sure to remember where everything was , to put it back when she leaves , she finally got comfortable . Putting her backpack near the tub and opening her small suitcase that carried most of her belongings , she dumped almost every piece of clothing she had into the washing machine . Including what she was wearing . And with no more waiting she made herself a bath . She didn 't really need one , she took a shower yesterday at the beache 's free showers but a bath was something luxurious to her , and it made her happy . When she was starting to get bored she reached towards her backpack to count the money she had at the time . Later she will roam this place and try to find some money here . She never took everything , just a few dollars to get by . Her soft fingers found something that didn 't belong there . She carefully took it out and saw it was a note . A bit scared at first how it got there , how did she let her guard down letting anyone put it there , she finally opened it and read it . A small smirk decorated her pale face . Kaylee was sitting down in an alleyway . She had made a small amount of money moving some stuff around for the day and bought herself a meal to celebrate . No stealing necessary today . As she finished it up , she heard a number of footsteps steadily making their way towards her . She put her drink in her bag , slung it over her shoulder , and took off running . The speed of the footsteps increased , they were chasing her down . She repositioned a crate and hid behind it , watching a man run by . Before he got too far , she came out , hooked his neck in the crease of her elbow , and choked him unconscious . He was out cold with a quiet thud as his body slumped to the floor . Hiding her bag underneath the man 's body , she turned to face the other one who had followed her . A middle - aged man with a long , unkempt beard and trashed clothes was standing about 20 feet away . By the looks of things , these two probably noticed her when she bought food and planned to steal her money . Kaylee laughed . That was a pretty common reaction . " You 're right , a woman shouldn 't be swinging , " she replied before shoving her hands into the pockets of her blue hoodie . " So I 'll beat you , without swinging , " she smirked . She smiled . " It 's gonna take a lot more than that if you wanna kill me , man , " she mocked . Angered , the man swung wide with his right . The younger girl smiled , and slammed her forehead into his fist , shattering his hand . He pulled out a switchblade and lunged at her . She turned her body slightly , causing the knife to miss her by half an inch . As she launched her elbow into his chin , she took her hands out and grabbed the knife from the assailant . She walked over to the man she had choked out , still holding the knife . She figured she might as well keep it and put it into her pocket . She withdrew her bag from under the man and opened it to pull out her drink , only to find a note on top of everything else . Manny woke up to the sound of a moving train . Manny lived in a trash apartment , right across a rail road track . He threw off the covers and sat up . He let a big yawn and stretched . His apartment wasn 't the cleanest of apartments either . It was like living at the local dump . The carpet was torn up . The walls had all sorts of stuff on it , and there was always a type of bug wondering around . Manny looked around his room . Living the dream . . Manny said sarcastically , as he got off his bed . After Manny got off his bed he headed to the restroom to groom himself . Once he got in the restroom Manny took a shower , brushed his teeth , and other stuff normal people do in the mornings . After he was grooming himself , Manny got ready for work at his uncles restaurant . When Manny was done getting ready , he walked out of his apartment . Manny thought to himself on his way to work . I wondering what awaits me today at my uncle 's restaurant . Manny thought to himself , with his knife case at his side . Manny only used the knifes in the knife case , because the knifes were his mother 's . At least that what his uncle told him . The knife case looked like a briefcase . The case only had three knifes in it . One big one , one medium one , and one small one . It took Manny about Twenty minutes to get to his uncle 's restaurant . After he went inside the restaurant he went straight to the kitchen . Heyyy looks whose here . . . . It 's the Mexican Paula Deen . Manny 's cousin said jokingly . Whatever man . Many said as he pushed his cousin . Manny then put on a black apron . After he got his apron on , he placed his knife kit aside . He then opened up his knife kit , and saw a note . What the ? Manny said as he picked up the note . He opened up the letter , and began to read it : I 've been eying you for some time now . I could use your talents . If you want someone to have your back be at the old " Westeros " hotel tomorrow at sunset . Manny said to himself quietly . AYE ! Manny quickly turned around and saw his uncle . Are you going to work , or are you going to lolly gag all day ? Maeight hours pass by , and Manny 's is finally done working . He hung up his black apron , and started to walk out of the store . Bye Manny . his uncle said . Manny then stopped walking . Oh uncle . . . . I um need to take a personal day off tomorrow . Manny said as he turned around , to look at his uncle . Why ? You got a date tomorrow , or something ? His uncle said . No . . . . I have a doctor 's appointment tomorrow . . [ COLOR = # ffffff ] Manny said . He had to come up with a lie , because his uncle wouldn 't let him take a day off for no reason . [ COLOR = # 339966 ] Fine . [ COLOR = # ffffff ] His uncle said . [ COLOR = # 993300 ] Alright , bye uncle . [ COLOR = # ffffff ] Manny said as he left the restaurant . [ / COLOR ] [ / COLOR ] [ / COLOR ] [ / COLOR ] [ / COLOR ] After Manny left the restaurant he went straight home . When Manny got home went straight to sleep . The next day Manny slept in . He woke up about One o ' clock . What time is it ? Manny said as he looked at his clock . After he saw that it was one o ' clock he got out of bed and got dressed . After he got dressed , and groomed himself , Manny spent the rest of his time thinking if he should go to the hotel . A few hours pass by , and Manny decides to go . He gets up and walks out of his apartment , and heads for the hotel . After a few minutes of walking , Manny finally made it . I 'm surprised I found this damn place . Manny said as he stood in front of the hotel . Manny then walked inside . # 6 Avila was on her knees with her face just inches away from a plant that could possibly be poison ivy - or scientifically known as toxicodendron radicans , as she had perfectly remembered it . She moved her head in all sorts of different ways , trying to identify it . Okay , three leaves coming from one stem , pointed tip , wide leaves . . . She paused to look down at her tattered book , " Medicinal Plants : The Good , The Bad , The Healers " , that she casually stole from a dumpster in the back of a college library . Why was she trying to identify poison ivy ? Well , to test it 's effects . She was planning on trying it on herself , then trying to heal it herself . She had all of her precautions made : stolen calamine lotion , list of treating instructions , informational books , 50 cents in case she needed to call up the nearest emergency center , etc . Besides , poison ivy should be no problem considering she got into a tussle with a water hemlock before - otherwise classified as America 's most poisonous plant - which she was able to save herself from . However , that was back when her brother was still alive , and she was young with no type of precautions at all . She still remembered how she found the plant , plucked it out of the ground , and ran back to her brother who was curled up in blankets underneath an abandoned house 's garage because of another illness he had . She excitedly and happily explained the symptoms of what could happen upon digestion of the plant , including seizures , nausea , vomiting , tremors , confusion , dizziness , weakness , retrograde memory loss , and more . Her brother was yelling and pleading for her to put it in a nearby river and never touch it again , but of course , her young curiosity got the best of her and she bit off half of the white flowers from the stem . It was even 10 minutes later until she started vomiting and losing consciousness , to which she still remained calm enough to force herself to through it up , drink half a gallon of water , throw up again , and repeat for the next 2 hours . Thankfully , the only problem that remained for the next two days was some muscle weakness and twitching , while her brother became worried and anxious about her for the next 2 months following that . Oh , how she wished that she could 've taken better care of her brother , and saved him during his illness . Nowadays , she completely blames herself , still reminding herself of her faults everyday in order to punish herself . " Hold up , it that the book from the fucking trashcan out from the college ? Are you actually that homeless person whose been stealin ' from all those dumpsters ? ! " He laughed at her . What is his deal ? He doesn 't even know me ! Avila ignored him , picking up her pace as she walked away from him , ignoring his laughter , until she turned the corner and he was no where in sight . So much for testing poison ivy . . . A short while later , she walked into the alleyway where she normally stays in , throwing her bag on top of the old mattress that she also stole from the back of a dumpster from an apartment . She sat against the brick wall , taking a deep breath and relaxing her body , causing the mattress to move and crinkling a paper in her back pocket . At first , she thought someone else was in the alleyway with her , which would be odd because she had never seen anyone else back here within the 6 months that she 's been here . She sat up defensively , causing the paper to crinkle again . This time , she could hear it closer to her , and feel it in her back pocket . She stood all the way up off the mattress and reached curiously into her jean pockets , pulling out the paper and reading it : I 've been eyeing you for some time now . I could use your talents . If you want someone to have your back be at the old ' ' Westeros ' ' hotel tomorrow at sunset . Eyeing me ? Who the hell has been ' eyeing me ' ? ! She started to worry , wondering if this note was a legitimate offer or a chance to get murdered . Who would be trying to contact a weak , medical - obsessed , regret - filled girl anyways ? She read the note carefully , looking for any secret message within it or seeing any wording that could suggest an intention of malice . Tomorrow at sunset . . . The time was going to mess up her carefully planned daily routine , but maybe it would be worth it . She put the note into the front pocket of her messenger bag , deciding to sleep on it . She was just as excited as well as she was nervous about it . The next day , the mainly spent her time studying . She bought some food at a small restaurant nearby , got a some water , exercised just for the heck of it , and organized the make - shift first aid kit that she had in her bag . Twenty minutes before sunset , she decided to head out towards the hotel and leave her bag near her mattress . Soon enough , she got to the hotel and hesitantly opened the door , not knowing what to except on the other side . Leo loved the night , t was teh time when the city felt alive . The lights turned on in the streets as people tried to fight against nature and in its own weird way it was kinda beautiful . Only kind of though because when you really look the city , you always feel like something is out of place , something is missing . The answer is color , this city is dull and gray , and it sucks at the soul of everyone who lives inside it . Now Leo is the real kind of starving artist . The other ones who sell their work to get by , they are sellouts who give their art to the highest bidder . Their imagination is bottled up and hung up on a wall inside one of those fucking McMansions never to be seen . How can that be art ? How can that be expressing yourself , if make art , don 't you think the world deserves to see it if they wanted ? That 's why Leo is a man of the people , an artist who paints where everyone can see his work . Now some people might find it illegal or wrong what Leo does , and to be fair , Leo is a petty thief who steels to survive , but its all part of the fun when the cops think they can stop him . If only they could catch him . This night was like most others , Leo dressed in dark ripped jeans , and a navy blue hoodie . A bandanna tied around his neck , his bright blue hair tied back in a ponytail hidden by the hood and a stolen pair of Beats thumping to the beat of some music around his neck . Like usual he was tagging a wall , this particular one had a bunch of gang tags on it , but Leo had sprayed a yellow base coat however covering these gangbangers attempt at art . All they were really were 6 year old scribbling on walls and Leo was happy to paint over them . However unlike most nights , Leos mind was on something other then the canvas in front of him . In the right back pocket of his jeans was that stupid note he found earlier that day . It was safe to say that when Leo had first found it , he was scared out of his skin . Leo never tagged his work with his name and anytime the police even come close to finding him , he would dye his hair a different color and cut it . He almost didn 't even read the stupid thing . Eventually he did open up the scrap of paper , and now he is more confused then anything . Leo sighed sadly thinking about it . Wiping his brow he took a step back from his work . It was almost done but it had a couple places were it could be touched up . The sun wasn 't due for a couple more hours regardless Leo stenciled out his signature on the bottom left . Others would come by and add their own signatures , take the credit of his work . It use to bother Leo but after a few years of doing this all that matters in his mind that people see the piece . He stepped away once again , a small smile on his lips . Finally done with the piece , he went to work with packing all his cans away into the ratty black backpack he kept with him . He dissipated into the streets like a ghost , going to his secret place to nap and find something to eat . At sunset , Leo was on the other side of the street , his beats over his ears waiting for something to happen at the hotel . # 8 The rest of the day Travis laid back on his small mattress and stared at the letter inviting him to the old hotel . There was a split chance that it was a set up and once he arrived whoever sent him the note would be waiting and something would go down . The more Travis thought about it though the more it seemed very unlikely . I mean who would want anything really to do with him ? The note said that they could use his talents so someone must have had talents of there own if they noticed him doing what he needed to survive and especially being able to get close enough to slip the note into his bag without him noticing . A small smirk formed on Travis 's lips and he shook his head wondering who the mystery person was . Were they a man or woman ? Tall or short ? What exactly was this persons plan once he arrived at the run down hotel ? . There was just too many questions that Travis found himself wondering and he couldn 't even answer a single one . Since he couldn 't get the answers he needed Travis figured it would be better answered when he showed up tomorrow . The next morning Travis woke up early and listened to the sounds of cars driving around and light footsteps of early morning people most likely on there way to work . Even though he was up there was no rush in getting up and out of the bed . Travis was staying in one of the rooms in a decent building using the money that he stole to pay the rent and such . Eventually Travis had plans on finding a better place to stay , one with much more people to pocket but hey beggars can 't be choosers . After finally getting out of bed Travis ran himself a hot shower and relaxed under the warm water . Once he was down he threw on a grey long sleeved shirt and some faded blue jeans and sneakers . He made sure to throw in an outfit or two in his bag just in case he didn 't get back and he had no idea what was going to happen when he got there , it was best to be prepared . He finally left the apartment after eating a light breakfast and double checking to make sure that he had everything he needed . Getting to the abandoned hotel wasn 't that hard all he needed to do was catch the bus and walk a block . Travis managed to catch a quick bus . After about seven minutes the bus pulled up to his stop and he got off walking down the block to the hotel . Travis ran his hand through his hair and stopped dead in front of Westeros Hotel . The place definitely looked abandoned for the most part but usually places like this became homes to squatters and a few druggies . Travis looked around to see if there was anyone else and then he looked down at the note that he had brought along . I guess its a now or never type of thing . He noticed someone across the street and he looked over not giving much of a readable expression . So someone else is here . . doesn 't look like some squatter to me . He bit his lip suddenly getting the feeling he wasn 't the only one . He walked up the steps and then pushed the door open and stepped inside . The inside however didn 't look as bad as he had thought being as how the hotel had been run down for some time and construction had never gotten to it , Travis would have thought the place would be falling apart and yet there were some things that were intact . He quickly however was brought back to reality when he saw the people in front of him with the same expression on their face . Curious as to why they were here . Travis looked at each of them before a small smile formed on his lips . " Sup " That was all he said and that was all that needed to be said at the moment . Whoever wanted them here would show themselves and tell him why he was really here . There are things that people can 't see . Society is blind . Ignorant . Selfish . They turned their head to the suffering , and focus themselves on those who are better off . If you think about it , the world has always been like that . Survival of the fittest . But does it have to be ? There will hardly be a time when you see somebody turn their head to a homeless man sitting on the streetcorner . In fact , they do everything but give them a second - glance . It 's a sad world , always has been , and probably always will . In every place you travel too , it 's almost always a human system . You have the heart , the brains , the parts that get things done . But do you ever hear about the viens , arteries ? It sounds silly , but believe it . We are those people . The hidden lifelines that nobody really understands how important they are . Without crime , what jobs do police have ? With theivery , murder , what do those people do all day ? Because of these people , a lot of the system has jobs . We are the brains , the brawn , but everybody fails to actually realize it . It really is sad , isnt it ? Alistair rolled his shoulders , nervously chewing the inside of his lip . Not only did he invite five totally random strangers out here with no means of defending himself , but he brough them to his home . This hotel really was his home . He lived here after all the shit went down in his own life . And in this case , if they didnt fall for his impressive speech he worked hours on the night prior , then one or more of them might come back and kill him . Worth the risk , wasn 't it ? There was more of a slight possibility that at least one of them would join , but there was also the chance none of them would go for it . These were the rejected , after all . They were spit out by Life and thrown into a world so much bigger than them . However , they still managed to keep going . It took guts to do such a thing . Alistair had tried to dress for the occasion , but it was hard when you had no money . He chose his most un - dirty looking and un - holy pair of jeans , a leather belt that had seen Alistair gestured to all of himself . He had to clear his throat again , and speak a little louder , in case they were too far away to hear them . " My name , is Alistair Joseph Smith . Believe it or not , I 'm like all of you . Abandoned and left to die . No family left to run too , and no place to call my home except this place . " " This may sound corny , but I need you . I dont know if you need me or not , but Im willing to do so . I can 't pretend to now what each and every one of you has been through , or what you had to face , but I can say that I have been through something similar . I know it can be a hard and lonely life , but if you come with me , I can promise you that it doesnt have to be . I 've been watching all of you , and however creepy that may sound , its true . I can see the pain you 've been carrying on your shoulders , and I called you here because im afraid its going to crush you into oblivion . You aren 't forgotten . " Alistair paused again to let that part sink in . It was true . He really did care about each of them . He didnt want to see them suffer anymore , it was becoming painful for him even to watch . Once he gave a beat to pause and swallow the lump in in throat , he continued . " This place , isnt your home , and its never going to be . I can understand that . But if you come with me , we can make it into our home . I also cant say for sure that I could make your lives better , or keep you safe all of the time . Its dangerous out here . There will always be people out there wanting to kill us because they think we 're the Street rats of the world . But we 're not . We 're the life and soul , the people who arent afraid to look Death in the face and smile . We 're stronger than them . This isnt a gang , or a violent group . Simply people wanting to surivive . " He clenched his fists . The speech was going exactly the way he planned it , if not better . He hoped , however , that it persuaded them enough . " I dont know any of you besides what I 've seen . But I plan to do exactly that . I want to know each of you like I knew my own miserable life . I want to carry your burdens so you dont have too . I can help you . What makes you laugh , cry , angry , sad , happy . We can make this into the family we never had . " Alistair choked at those last words , and it took him a moment to compose himself . It was difficult , to realize that the family you once had will never be again , but it also made the mistery of a new one all the more interesting . " I cant expect you to trust me , not now . But I trust each and every one of you . If you dont believe me , then fine . But im going to turn my back to you and walk back into this hotel . You can harm me , walk away , or follow me . I wont make you do anything . Its your choice or not . " Alistair rolled his shoulders again and smiled , turning his back to them . It took almost everything not to visibly tremble . He didnt want to be hurt , but he had to get them to see that he really did trust them . He breathed in and started walking back to the Hotel , and into the black that surrounded it . Ten . For ten minutes Alice stared at the huge building in front of her . Must have been a glorious hotel once . Tho it didn 't look so bad now either . If some rich person was to invest in it , it could be a pretty hot place . And if all the junk in the beach in front of the hotel was cleared . The blonde girl didn 't enter the building right away . She wanted to be sure it isn 't a trap . Who knows what awaits in there . The thing that made her finally enter was other people . Some of them entered , some of them stayed away the hotel but Alice knew all of them were here for the same reason . In the end , everyone entered the old building . Alice knew that streets groups existed . It seemed like a good thing , having someone to have your back . The groups seemed to live better too , than just one individual person . And groups seemed to have an important status around the streets . But Alice never entirely agreed with that kind of life . Something could always go wrong . Get stolen . Badly hurt . But this could turn into a good thing . No need to be negative . The hotel itself looks like a nice place to live in too . Well , a nice place for a poor person . Finally entering ' ' The Westeros ' ' she joined the others . Some entered after her . Alice already knew all of their names . It was needed for what she did for a living . They were all standing in a small group . But everyone was keeping to themselves . It was like emotional walls were separating them . No one seemed to talk too much . Some greeted . Like Travis Vega . Alice chuckled in her mind how casual he was . Like all of them were close friends . But they were far from that . Soon someone else appeared . Someone who didn 't have the same stance as the people around Alice , standing in a group . Alistair Smith . Alice smirked . So hes the one behind all of this . Alistair began talking at once , and Alice listened . Well then , he certainly started the speech very cheerfully . A part of Alice was angry . She didn 't want to be taken care of . She can do that herself . But she understood what Alistair was trying to say , and she was starting to be interested in his plan . His whole speech was too mushy for her liking , but it seemed he had good intentions . The old backpack and small suitcase Alice carried her things in hit the floor with a thump . She was done being alone . ' ' I 'll stay . ' ' Her tone was firm and straight . Kaylee had just barged right in . If it was a trap , she 'd beat down whoever was trying to attack her . But the note didn 't give her that kind of feeling , anyway . Once in , she saw a few other people , and a few came in after her , too . She didn 't know anyone there , so she was a little bit wary . Some guy spoke up , though Kaylee didn 't respond . If wasn 't gonna introduce himself , she wasn 't going to either . She looked around , scanning the place . Run down and trashy , as expected . A lot better than being a vagrant though . Before she could think much else , a taller man came out from the back of the hotel , lit by some crappy street light or something . He had an . . . interesting speech . He 'd been watching them ? Hell yeah that was creepy . Did he think that 'd actually make them want to help him out ? He shoulda left that out . Well , at least he knew it was creepy , she guessed . By the time he finished , she was a bit pissed . She didn 't need to be taken care of . In fact , she 'd run away so that nobody would have to be burdened with taking care of her . But something did ring with her . He wanted to make some sort of family . If they had to take her burden , she 'd have to take theirs as well . She recalled what was written on the note . I could use your talents . Yeah , it wasn 't just one - sided care - taking . They needed her , too . There was a thump . Some blond chick had let her stuff fall to the floor . " I 'll stay , " she said . Looked like at least some of the others felt like it 'd be a good idea . Kaylee figured it was time for her to speak up then , too . " If you want me here , you can count me in . " Travis had questions . Questions as to why exactly he was here and what would become of him from this moment forward . He wasn 't the only person who had showed up but judging from the small group they were all selected for their " Talents " as he recalled what was on the paper . The group remained quiet and cautions as to be expected . Travis simply shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked his body back and forth slowly . It wasn 't long before he heard a voice of a man and seconds later the man appeared from the shadows catching Travis 's attention . The man looked no older than Travis as far as he could make out and the one thing he held onto when the guy started speaking was his name . Alistair Smith . He listened to the speak with interest . The man sounded serious and yet heartfelt about the situation and needing them if they chose to do so . " I don 't know any of you besides what I 've seen . But I plan to do exactly that . I want to know each of you like I knew my own miserable life . I want to carry your burdens so you don 't have too . I can help you . What makes you laugh , cry , angry , sad , happy . We can make this into the family we never had . " Hmm family huh ? Travis didn 't know what Alistair wanted to do exactly once they decided if they wanted to stay but somehow he wanted to know and if that were to happen he needed to stick around . I could use your talents . There was that saying again with " talents " and it made Travis wonder what exactly everyone else 's talents were . Once the man stopped speaking there was a minute or two of silence before a young woman stepped forward speaking up that she 'd stay and soon after the second girl spoke of stating that she 'd stay as well . It indeed was an opportunity for something good to happen or some bullshit but Travis didn 't have anything better and he was willing to give this whole thing a shot . Travis let out a breath before stepping forward and ruffling his hair he spoke , " I 'm all in man " . # 13 Manny stared at the hotel for a good 10 minutes . Well here goes nothing . Manny said as he walked in the building . When Manny entered the building , he saw that there was more people that was called here . Well glad to know that I 'm not the only one to be invited here . Manny said as he crossed his arms . All of a sudden a man appeared out of no where . Manny quickly turned his head to look at the man . The man was still young . The strange man then spoke up . " I don 't know any of you besides what I 've seen . But I plan to do exactly that . I want to know each of you like I knew my own miserable life . I want to carry your burdens so you don 't have too . I can help you . What makes you laugh , cry , angry , sad , happy . We can make this into the family we never had . " Hm ? A family ? Manny didn 't know what to think about this man 's plan . Manny looked around the room , and saw all the people that were in it . ~ Could I really trust these strangers ~ Manny thought to himself . Once the man stopped speaking there was a minute or two of silence before a young woman stepped forward speaking up that she 'd stay and soon after the second girl spoke of stating that she 'd stay as well . Then another man said that he was in . Manny sighed What the hell ? I 'm in . Manny said as he uncrossed his arms . # 14 Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! 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I am a 42 year old woman that is about as happy and content as one person can be . My husband of 21 years and our 15 year old daughter live on five and a half acres out in the country . We moved from the city four years ago and never looked back . I homeschool our daughter . We also love our animals . Our daughter has a miniature horse and two rabbits . We also have a border collie , two cats ( again ) , two pot belly pigs , four peafowl , three emus , 2 llamas and an undetermined number of chickens , lets just say ohhh about 200 . I have many breeds , from layers to fancy chickens . I love poultry shows , I love fowl in general as I have come to find out through having more than just chickens . Chickens will always be my first love though . I do show some of my birds occasionally . I can tell you over the years we have toned down our New Years Eve . Last year I don 't believe we had anyone over ? I can 't remember for sure . . . but I remember right after the ball dropped on TV we headed for bed . Karen called and wanted to know what we were doing for New Years eve . I told her not a thing . I told her after all that company we were hiding out . She understood . . . Last night I was at Walmart getting groceries and my phone rang . It was Brian . . . and so I asked him if he was still coming over . He said , yeah , if that was alright . I asked him if he had talked to Karen yet . . . No . . so I told him they were coming too . Then he tells me the twins usually go back to their mom on Sunday night , which was last night of course , but he didnt know if this was going to be the case as it was a holiday . Then he asks if it is okay to bring them . What am I supposed to say . . . NO ? ? ? So I dont know if they will be coming in addition to Brian or not . We will have to see , but I can tell you , my threshold of tolerance is very thin right now so those buffalo are going to have to be turned into MICE if they show up . I also plan on making them go walking with us this evening . Oh yes , we are still going walking , with or without company . It is our routine , period . How would that be to NOT go on New Years Eve . . . the eve of new resolutions and all . Going to to tomorrow too . . . wonder if they will all go or stay here . . . we will see ! The good thing is . . . Brian and Karen , and the kids . . . are not really ' company ' in the way that if you are having company you have to clean and cook special . That is one plus . . . so other than the noise . . . we will probably be alright . Just no buffalo . . . please . . . no buffalo running through the house . A Song From Daddy Here is Daddy , fixing to start up the tiller this past Spring . . . to get that garden growing . It won 't be long and we will be seeing this scene again . I can 't wait for that to happen . Ground breaking means Springtime . I will be ready for it . Daddy has sent me a couple more songs to share with folks here . Today I will post the song " It Always Will Be " . He enjoys sharing his music with everyone and was very flattered and really got a kick out of the comments everyone left this last time I posted his playing and singing . I hope you enjoy this one just as much . . . even more . I gave him the link to here so if you want to talk to him directly in a comment go right ahead . : ) You may be asking yourself why some of them look a bit ratty and I will go ahead and tell you that this time of year is molting season . You would think that it would make more sense to shed old feathers in the summer , but nope , its always in late Fall and into the first part of winter all the while freezing their hineys off . You may also see where some feathers are missing off the back , well , that is because a few of the girls are Hanks ummm . . . . favorites . If you know what I mean . Their feathers will grow back so don 't worry . Hank is not that darn quick so if they really WANTED to get away , they could . I think I know what happened . Nobody alerted me . I was scolding the guineas asking them where were they when all this was going on ? Any other time they are raising holy heck over a leaf blowing by . A couple of days before this incident I am going to tell you about I was outside working around the yard and heard a dog bark . What the heck was that ? I asked myself . He scooted off tail tucked . I THOUGHT this dog belonged to the neighbors next door . I was wrong . I will tell you how I found this out later . Linda came by to get some eggs day before yesterday and when I walked out with her I saw down feathers . . . I saw them on the walkway . . . then in the flowerbed . . . then out on the other side of the driveway . . piles . I found sickle feathers . . . from a tail . . . the tail of PETE . I was immediately freaking out . I LOVE Pete so much . I started fretting and looking around . Linda was helping me to look for him . I went in the side gate and there he was . . . thank goodness . He was safe minus a LOT of feathers . Now Pete weighs about ten pounds . That dog had to be the one that did this . Tearing out the feathers like that in chunks . That is a dog thing . He had no flesh wounds thank goodness . Had it been a cat it might have been worse . Pete had no business being out of the fence , but with that said my girls and boys still stay right up by the garage and the front of the house , so they ARE on my property . Tip does her best to keep them in the fence when I see them out and let her go push them back in the fence , but I cant watch every single minute of the day . So I hopped in the truck and went around to the house next to us , thinking that dog was their dog . Nope . She said it was THEIR dog , and pointed next door to them . SHEEEESH . I should have known . These are the people that had their dog they had at the time running loose and leading a pack of about five other dogs for about the first year we were living here . They let that dog have the run of the area . One day it disappeared . I imagine someone got tired of it and MADE it disappear . Was fine by me . You didnt see me shed a tear . So now I am going to deal with their dog , again . Another dog . Cause that is what they needed was another dog , because they kept their other one in check so well . Back then we didnt have the fence so the dog could make a B line straight for our house , and the pens . Now THIS dog has to go all the way down the side of the fence , which backs up to not only the next door neighbors property , but their property . The little dog has to go A WAYS to get over here . I am glad Pete is okay , and maybe this will teach him to keep his big self in the safety of the fence . It is still not okay for this dog to come over here , at all . Going to have to see about this , yep I am . Got to take care of my stock . Good Saturday morning ! They say the sun is going to come out for a while today and it will be close to 60 degrees here . I sure will enjoy that if it comes to pass . I better enjoy it while I can because the forecast for later turns off COLD . I took a picture of this nativity scene that I have had handed down to me from Mama and Daddy . It is very old . On the back of the stable it has a little sticker that says ' Roses . . . $ 1 . 37 ' . They got it from a little store called Roses many years ago and can you imagine only $ 1 . 37 . I take very good care of it . The star on top was looking a bit shabby and the top tip was coming off so I fixed it up with some glue , white paint and silver glitter . The hay that you place inside the little stable is both old and new hay . There was less and less of it as time went by so I took some scissors and cut up some new hay from the wheat straw I buy . I did that last year . The roof looks like it could use some hay on it again . Maybe I will do that next year when I pull it out for Christmas . This is a wonderful ice skating scene that Ians mom bought for me one year . I love it so much and it always brings a smile to my face to pull it out and set it up . She loved Christmas so much . This is our tree that we went out and got in the rain that day . The picture didnt turn out as well as I would have liked . It blurred a little , but this is our Christmas tree with the lights lit . It really is a pretty tree . The picture didnt do it justice . The sun is coming out now so I think I will get moving and enjoy it ! I have a video to post and then I will be on my way . Everyone have a great weekend . : O ) Okay okay , maybe not throw chickens , but throw them in the mix of todays entries . How about that ? ; ) After all this IS the CHICKEN Chronicles right ? If you are easily offended by cuss words then you may not want to watch it . Peanut says " hell " a lot and " damn " . We know that some may not agree with Shelby watching this , but we look at it this way . I will post more clips for you to enjoy later . We think that Shelby is exceptionally mature and knows not to go around saying " damn " , " hell " , and the occasional " sh * t " . But its still FUNNY stuff . . . lol . . . enjoy . Yes , he is here . That doll that was long awaited for . Here he is with Shelby asleep on the couch this morning . He has the privilege of being the latest bed buddy . Shelbys bedroom is upstairs . We had a terrible downpour with a lot of lightning and thunder come through this morning . When this happens Shelby always transfers down to the couch . That is why you see her asleep there on the couch , but not without Peanut , oh no . We got it the day after Christmas . Remember the mailman in that movie with Chevy Chase ? Where his wife and him bought the house out in the country , it was going to be so peaceful and nice , but the town was terrible and the mailman would chunk the mail out everywhere all the while laughing and weaving all over the road ? Mamas brother Paul , his wife Kay , their son Patrick and I were all hanging out in the sun on the front porch when she drove up to the mailbox . She HAD to deliver the package . I mean , she saw us standing right there , so she had to . Now Peanut is supposed to talk . We immediately started pressing his hand , and there was nothing . Nothing nothing nothing . Crap , it doesnt work , its broken . Maybe there is an opening , a place for batteries ? Searching . . . searching . . cant find an opening . Well wasnt that a fine how do ya do . Okay , so we just got over excited . We would have eventually figured it out . . . and even if we didnt , when Ian got home from work he would have known exactly what to do . DUHHHH . . . lol . These two pictures are the only two I took at Christmas . I really don 't know why . I am a very avid picture taker . I think I was just caught up in visiting and everything going on . I should try to capture moments better from now on . Darby is only three months old . As you can see he won 't be a lap dog for very much longer but he is just as sweet and cuddly as you can possibly dream to imagine . He is an Irish Wolfhound . Cristi had to bring him with John ( Ians Dad ) and her because he is not used to being left alone and is recovering from what they think might have been a stroke at five weeks old . He is from the litter of 12 that were all lost but him , along with his mother . John and Cristi had both asked Ian and I if it was okay to bring him . You know us . Any animal is welcome here . We are very accommodating when it comes to animals . We had every comfort for him even though they brought a kennel and his blankets . They ended up not even needing the kennel as he enjoyed the coolness out on the screened in porch . Different breeds have such different temperaments . This breed is so layed back , even as a pup . He was fun to have around that day , even if Tip was a bit jealous and didnt like having him on her turf . She was just reacting like any dog would . This is her territory , period . I understand , and everything is back to normal now , thank goodness . Yes lets do that . Lets all take a breather . I am one of those people that clean and want everything to look and feel perfect when company comes . I want people to feel like they have come home when they enter my house . All the decorations and lights were up . The house was spotless . The animals were all tended to perfectly . The yard was cleaned up , the mud hayed down . The porch was even clean . Clean new sheets on my bed for Mama and Daddy to spend the night on . Everything was perfect . The food was prepared early Christmas eve . The tables were set with beautiful Christmas dishes I bought from Freds last year and this year . My body felt like I had been beat with a bag of hammers . My feet felt like a million nails had been driven into every inch top and bottom . My back felt like it was going to snap in half . I smelled like some of the dirty hay I scooped out of Derbys barn as Shelby and I totally cleaned it out to put down fresh bedding . I barely had it in me to shower , but I did , just so I could sleep good . It is just the way I am . Everything must be a certain way . I want it to all be RIGHT for company . I did it . I pulled it off . I even got many compliments on how well everything was done up . I loved the company . We had Ians dad , his new wife . My younger sister Erin , her boyfriend Mike , and his oldest daughter Emily . Mama and Daddy . Then Ian , Shelby and myself . Mama and Daddy spent the night . That was very special and I loved having them here to spend the night . The day after Christmas Mamas new found brother and his family came for the day here to visit . We had a lovely time together . Their youngest son did not know proper chicken respect and thought it would be funny to challenge Hank . Hank responded accordingly and Hank is usually an easy going roo , but when you provoke and challenge the king of the yard with a bunch of crowing and scratching and lunging , you better expect to get a reaction . Hank started walking at him and posturing , puffing out his chest . I caught all this going on and told Andrew to back off and get away . You have to give Hank the respect he deserves and he will give you respect back . That poor kid got hurt more times . He ran right into some stacked wood out front where Ian is working on that new chicken house . Tip and him got a little rough playing and she accidently gripped his hand instead of the stuffed toy with her teeth . Then he was about to get into it with Hank , and didnt even know it . They all enjoyed looking at our array of animals . Kay , Pauls wife was especially taken with Tyler , Shelbys Flemish Giant rabbit . He weighs about twenty pounds , he is a big boy . Derby was pretty good and social . We had his Christmas attire out but were not ever able to dress him up because it rained all day on Christmas day . He has a really cute horse coat that is red with the white fluffy outer lining , some leg wraps and a little white fuzzy cap thingie . It had been many many years since Mama had felt and fed a horse . She enjoyed it very much . She loves horses a lot . She even smelled of him . Horses have this smell , it is a horse smell , it is nice , we like that smell of a horses hair . Everyone left yesterday and it was just Shelby and I from 3 til 4 . I sat there in my rocking chair just soaking the past two days in . Ian got home and I was really in a good mood . We went out to the trail and walked longer than we ever had . It just felt so good to get out . He said he was glad it was all over because he hated to see me so stressed out and in such pain and so tired . We are both looking forward to some solitude for the next couple of months . Its time to get socked in for winter in January and February with some good movies from Netflix and a lot of snuggling and spending some good quality family time with Shelby . I discovered a new tv show on in the mornings . It is on Animal Planet . Has anyone ever caught it ? It is called Sunrise Earth . This is not your typical show . It has NO TALKING . The show features a different part of the world at sunrise . For instance yesterday morning was a small farming village in Turkey . It is always a rural peaceful area they feature as far as I can tell . All you will hear is birds singing . . . the breeze is blowing some tall grass , and old man picking oranges , a woman leading a milk cow around . . . some old ruins . . bugs singing . . . that was yesterdays . It goes for two hours . From 7 til 9 . One place for each hour . I have to mute the commercial breaks so it doesnt break my peaceful interlude , but it is nice to sit and have coffee and just watch the sunrise and the morning time in different parts of the world . Especially when we have had a lot of overcast days lately . Here you go , here is a link to the schedule for what they will be showing in the following days . If you love nature , and you find it relaxing then you will love this new series . It has a very calming feeling about it because there is no intrusion of commentary . Its just you and the place . Believe it or not I didnt take any pictures while everyone was here . Terrible I know . I guess I just got so into the moment I didnt really think . I did manage to get a picture of Erin and Mama with Darby , the irish wolfhound pup that Ians dad and his wife brought with them . He needs special care . They lost all but him in a litter of twelve and the mama dog was lost too . He has had some walking problems but is getting better . Tip was not happy about this pup coming in on her turf . We ended up cleaning some pee spots . Submissive from the pup and marking from Tip . Everything is alright now , all back to normal , no more visits from strange dogs . Well , as you can see , I have not been on for days and days . . . I have been catching up on journals for a couple of hours now , and I intend on sitting here and relaxing and reading for the better part of the day . I feel I deserve the indulgence , so that is what I am going to do . I hope everyone had a very nice Christmas and I hope the New Year brings wonderful things for everyone . Going back to reading up on everyones goings on now . Have a good day and see y ' all tomorrow I am sure . : ) I didnt fall off the face of the Earth , but we did have some serious computer failure . One of the critical files for booting up was corrupted and so the computer wouldnt even boot up . It took Ian a few days , but he got it all fixed . . . MY HERO ! I sure did get a lot done while the computer was down . I just about worked myself to death I think ! There was nothing else to do ! Wow I got a lot done around here . Today is Ians last day at work til Wednesday , so I won 't be around til probably Thursday . I have fell way way behind on alerts , but I will let them keep coming and I will catch up next week . Now , I am going to go be a good little girl and get to cleaning the house for Christmas company coming . This is Speckles . He is one of the first four I ever hatched out of my first two pairs of Serama . His parents are huge , none of them would qualify in any of the weight classes accepted for this breed . With that being said , I think it is my fault , in a way , that my birds all end up weighing more than Serama are supposed to weigh . A lot of people tend to feed their chickens scratch grains . There is not a lot of nutrition in this as it is mostly cracked corn . Chickens LOVE it , it is like candy to them , but just like candy , it isnt really all that good for you . I don 't totally deprive my chickens of scratch grains , but I do mix it with 16 percent layer crumble which is a complete diet for any chicken . I raised my first four from babies . They are beautiful , but they are big . I hatched off about thirteen babies from these originals . I traded some with Dwain for silkies and Twiggy . I have seen his birds since trading , they are not huge like Speckles . He feeds them scratch grains more often than not . The largest an adult rooster can weigh and still be in the class C , which is the largest class is I believe 600 grams . I weighed Speckles . Ummm . . . . he is over 800 grams . . . oooopps . Come to find out he has exceptional manners . I have never handled him . Day before yesterday I took an opportunity to snag him out of the pen . He freaked out for a second , but then amazingly he was fine . I took him in the house , took these pictures , put some vaselineon his comb ( it has been so cold , and I am afraid he might get frostbite on his comb as he is in an unheated pen with others ) . I am still amazed to this day how one will act so differently than others . When I took pictures of Buzzbomb and tried to hold him to tame him down he was wild as all get out , never would settle down . Speckles , he took it all in stride . I sat with him in the rocker and tried rubbing him under the wings like so many of my chickens like , and well he took right to it . Lifted his wing right on up , held it up for me . So we went to the other side and did that one too . He was even talking to me . Not in a nervous way , but in a little calm way . It is hard to describe , but they do have a lot of different sounds , and I have learned a lot of them and what they mean as far as what they are feeling . Shelby said she saw where someone had toilet trained their pet chicken , it was on a video . I have yet to find it , but I will ! I want to know how to do this . If it possible , just imagine the possibilities ! One morething , if you notice , he is not very typy . He does not pose like a Serama very much . He can do it , I have seen him do it . He did it when I put him back in the pen that day . He wouldnt do it for me when I was taking pictures . That means I got in ! You see , I have a habit of keeping sites on a whim on my favorites . I went and clicked on one from his site I had saved and it just happened to be the order page for Peanut , and even though it was NOT on the current updated Store page , I had it , so I ordered it anyway . It has been COLD here the past few days . The little chickens don 't handle it too well . The breeder / show Serama have heat lamps on them so they can keep warm . Phoenix , Bonnie and Clyde get to come in when it gets dark , but it is getting so cold I think I am going to have to accomodate them with heat lamps in their pens on the porch too . Saturday evening when we got home from getting our Christmas tree ( in the rain of course ) Shelby was feeling motherly . She said the poor babies were cold and needed to come in right then . She got their apple juice and wheat bread for them , brought them all in . ( It was pretty cold ) Believe it or not , Clyde and Phoenix ' get along ' pretty good now . Clyde has no interest in fighting Phoenix . Sometimes Phoenix will gingerly walk over and steal Clydes piece of bread , but Clyde is the bigger man and moves on to another piece . Phoenix still tries to win the favor of Bonnie . Last night he danced for her once , but she just balked at him and complained . She tolerates him as best she can I guess . ; ) Has anyone ever seen Jeff Dunhams routine ? You can go to YouTube and watch Spark of Insanity , the whole special that was on Comedy Central . Funny stuff . Be warned , there is some language , nothing severe , but there is some language . This is the Thrasher head that shoots flames . . you dont get to see stuff like this on the tv broadcast . I LOVE IT ! This is what happens when we score ! I did ask his permission first . The only thing he requested was to not post anything he had written himself and sung . You never know who will try and steal something original from someone that has a good idea . Daddy has played the classical guitar ever since I could remember . He teaches guitar , gives private lessons . He used to teach at two local colleges , but there were always complications due to the unorganized staff at the colleges . So he doesnt do that anymore , at least not anymore for now . Maybe when they move out here I can get reaquainted with the guitar . He did try to teach me when I was a child . Ian has said he wants to learn also . . . so maybe we can be his next students in years to come . Inside this beautiful planter are Amaryllis . The paper you see there tells you exactly how to take care of it properly . I plan on taking VERY good care of it . This is a very special gift and I want to have it around always to remind me of what special people Dad and Mary are and how lucky I am to have run across his journal . He truly lifts me up every morning . Things are starting to get hectic around here and I don 't like hectic . I like a nice slow snail 's pace . Seems everyday something is going on . Today I have to get to the grocery store and feed store because we didnt get there yesterday , because Ian had to work over , because he didnt work over like he usually does on Wednesday , because we went to the hockey game . So now I am going to the store alone , again . I havent finished my decorating for Christmas , we are going Saturday afternoon FINALLY to get a tree . By the time I get it all up it will all be over . : ( When am I supposed to do the planner for school next week ? I usually do it on Sunday . It takes about three hours to do . . . not a short task . I am sorry , just not in a good mood this morning , was up half the night with a burning stomach to boot . I sure hope today gets better . I loaded some pictures of the hockey game , and I have some video to share . Yes , hockey . My husband may not be a hunter . . . thank goodness , I dont care for dead animal heads all over the walls as decoration for the living room , BUT he is a sports fan . He loves soccer the most , but loves hockey almost as much . When an opportunity came up to get free tickets to the Thrashers game tonight . . . http : / / thrashers . nhl . com / well you know we were going to be going . Now I have never , ever been into sports . I was always supportive of Ians soccer games while we were dating and even early on in our marriage . He had played since he was 8 years old , and played til his body wouldnt let him anymore , so now he has to enjoy the game from the sidelines . There is one thing I will say . We have been to two of them before . Once you have been to one live , you will understand . It is a lot of fun if you are actually there . Watching it on TV is so boring compared to being there . The blare of the horn when they score . . . the Thrasher bird head coming open at the mouth and blasting hot flames from its mouth . . . the music , the fans . . . it all comes together when you are there in person . On TV they dont show the Thrasher bird shooting flames . . . I like to see that . Ian introduced Shelby to the comedy of a ventriloquist named Jeff Dunham . Some may have seen him on Comedy Central . Granted , some of his skits are kid appropriate , some not as much , but nothing TOO bad . We think Shelby can handle it and not be permanently scarred for life . . . ; ) Shelby loves Peanut . There is in fact a talking Peanut doll that was for sale . It is sold out now and I waited too long before ordering it . I did order it , but it is back ordered and won 't get here for Christmas . This was going to be a BIG surprise for her . You know how kids pretty much know what they are getting at 13 , but she had no idea about this . I dreamed I was at a kids type party place , games , tables , pizza . . that kind of thing . A truck pulled INTO the room ( ? ? ? ) and kids were all over it trying to see inside . It had Jeff Dunham 's picture on the side with his puppets . I was searching for someone to find out what was going on . Someone told me that they were selling stuffed dolls of Jeffs puppets out of the truck ! finally I found a GEORGE ( ? ? ? ) Dunham . Dont know where that came from , but guessing a relative ? I was freaking out and trying desperately to get him to understand I HAD to have one of those Peanut dolls NOW ! He said , remember the craze of the Tickle Me Elmo ? Remember how everyone HAD to have one for their kid for Christmas ? How about now . . . nobody even remembers Tickle Me Elmo . He is right , I just for some reason didnt think that the Peanut doll would turn out to be such a hot item . If you go to http : / / Ebay . com and put in Jeff Dunham Peanut doll you will see just how hot . One sold for around 250 dollars that ended yesterday . I just wanted to get a simple stupid Peanut doll . . . something I thought would be obscure and wouldnt be bought up . We lost this dear wonderful lady yesterday . She was an astounding 15 years old . That is very old for an iguana in captivity . We have had her longer than we have had our daughter Shelby ! Don 't fret too much . We will miss her , but she lived a good life and it was her time . Her death came as no surprise . She stopped eating over a week ago . She lost all her muscle mass over three weeks ago . We knew it was coming and her time to leave us was near . She passed peacefully . We used to take her to the Petsmart sometimes when we lived at the old house . That always turned heads . We could only take her in the summer when it was warm though . . . as reptiles dont have any way to regulate their body heat and the only way to keep her warm outside of her heat lamp and heat rock was to take her out on warm days . In the summer she had a large cage that she managed to escape on one occasion . . . scared me to death . . . we looked and looked for her . We found she hadnt gone far at all . . . she was in that big old tree in the front yard ( at the old house ) looking down at us probably laughing in her reptilian way at the silly humans looking for her . Ian had to get a ladder and perch precariously on the top of it , but he got her down . She clung to the branch reluctantly . She had a rough start in life . Way back when , Ian and I went to go to the grocery store for a few things . We had a sickly cat and figured she would not bother Dragon , since she didnt feel very good . How that cat dragged that poor lizard out of a coveredtank I will never know . The top is covered by a wooden cover . But she did , had that lizard out on the floor and had really torn her up good . Dragons eye was turned back , her thin ear hole covering was ripped open , she had numerous puncture wounds and scratches . We sat vigile with her over night keeping her warm with her heat rock . Well she made it through . Her eye got better and her ear hole healed up and recovered itself . We werent sure she would make it , but she sure did . Then came a whole other set of problems . She was reaching an age to produce eggs . Reptiles are like birds , they will produce eggs whether they are mated or not . Difference being reptiles expell their eggs all at once . Our girl was getting bloated looking and we were afraid she had become eggbound . ( Not being able to expell the eggs ) . I searched and searched for a vet that would take her . No regular vet wanted to touch her . . . but on the northside of Atlanta I finally found a vet that specialized in reptiles and birds . Thank goodness . We made an appointment and went right in . With Xrays the doctor saw at least 25 eggs , and yes she was indeed eggbound . She also had a kidney stone that would only get worse with time . . . so they were to remove that while in there . She was spayed so there would be no further problems . The doctor was very impressed with Dragons bone structure . More often than not people that get these animals do not adhere to their diet requirements . They think lizards are easy keepers , and they are in some ways . They must have the right amount of calcium in their diet though . Too much will cause calcium deposits and kill them . Too little and their bone structure suffers , some will have no bones in the their toes or hands . . . things like that . Dragon had bones all the way to the tip of her little toes . So we had been doing right by her . 800 dollars later . . . we were out of there . Sheesh that was one expensive vet visit . But as you can see , she was worth it , she lived a long long time . Well my little hatch is complete . The last one , the fourth egg . . . didn 't make it . Even though I am not attached to the little baby yet it is sad to open an egg to find the little one didnt make it . There had been no movement for two days in the egg . I opened it up after waiting two extra days . The baby was barely alive at all . . . and the yolk sac that the baby absorbs for nutrients to grow while in the egg had gone bad . . . so it was just a matter of time . The yolk was a sickly green and by now the baby is supposed to have absorbed all of the sac so I am figuring that is one reason for it going bad . I do however have three very healthy little fuzzies . I couldn 't be happier . This is what will get me through the winter . This is what will bring a smile to my face on days I can 't go outside and enjoy my animals . They will be spoiled in no time you will see ! The third one had only pecked a little hole and it had been a long long time , over 24 hours , so I helped that one out too . No harm done , they were ready . You just have to be really really careful and try to wait as long as you can before you help them out . Here they are , but the other two don 't have names yet ! One has a black stripe down the back of its head . The other one looks like it has smaller eyes . I think it is just an illusion though because its little fuzz got dried stuck down on its little head , so it looks like it has a small head . . . lol . It is so sweet . I have been handling them enough that they actually stand up tall when my hand closes around them to pick them up , pushing themselves into my hand . They are all just so sweet . I am quite happy and content tonight . Yes I am . : ) We , my family , have started walking . Even the dog goes . We go to the Silver Comet Trail in the next town over . The Trail runs for ninety something miles I think now . It is an old railbed that has been converted into a bike path , but folks can walk it too . I am fixing to turn forty years old in May . Ian IS forty . Shelby needs more exercise as does the dog . We could all stand to lose some weight , especially me . You may wonder why I dont ever show my pictures in my journal . . . well . . cause I am fat , and even though I am very active , it doesnt come off . Wintertime makes matters much worse as I am not outside working . It is time . Time to stop this madness and get off . Eat right , and go walking . We are doing just a mile and a half now . That works out to roughly a thirty minute walk . Next week we will up it five minutes , and the next five more , so forth and so on . I dont want to die , but if I dont do something , eventually the dam is going to burst and things are going to start going wrong . This scares me . I don 't want to be 55 years old and die . My MIL was only 55 when she died . Its time to start taking care of my family and me . So we are working on it , day by day . Eating healthy , and walking . Anyway , here are some shots from along the trail . I will have some photos to share of the other two babies hatched out yesterday later on . Right now I got to get moving and get some chores done . Everyone have a great Saturday ! One thing that amazes me about these little Serama chicks is how fast they are ready to eat and drink and trying to walk . They seem to get on their feet a lot faster than normal size chicks . Here is Ruby this morning . Yes , that is a stuffed Llama in there with her . It is extremely soft and I use it with new babies when they are by themselves and need the to snuggle and not feel so alone . It seems to work . She is very content . Well , when you put an egg in the incubator you always put the small end down , just like you would in an egg carton . When the baby develops the feet are supposed to be at the bottom and the head at the top , more or less . They always have their wing over their face like you saw yesterday . . . I had JUST taken her out of the shell . They are curled up in there , but the feet are supposed to be at the bottom . . . Ruby started pecking out , but I could tell the pip was too far towards the bottom of the egg . Normally when they hatch out on their own they move , scoot , and peck , scoot and peck , til the top of the egg pops off like a cap . There would have been no way for her to be able to do that being upside down . So I helped her on out . Bethe . . . now your gonna have to catch up . . . lol . I dont talk about my extended family or friends too much on here as it can be stressful . . . but the main two you might hear of are my husband Ian , and my daughter Shelby . Only good stuff comes from those two names as they are my life . : ) Most others are roosters and hens . Hank , Alan , Tim , Faith . . . you can see that I name a lot of them after country singers . . . unless Shelby gets them named right out of the egg like Ruby ! LOL I was asked can you hold a chick this young . Yes , but not for too long as they need to stay warm . When they hatch out of that egg they are in exactly 100 degree surroundings . When in the brooder the first week they need to stay at 95 degrees . You drop the temperature in the brooder five degrees every week til it is not necessary to have the heat from the lamp anymore . Sometimes I will leave the heat lamp in there anyway though , they like it even though they dont need it . I was using red flood lights , 85 watt . Red is soothing , will let the babies sleep . Imagine if you had a regular light bulb in your face all the time , you would stress out and not be able to sleep as well . I switched to two 60 watt black lights because the cheap flood lamps at Walmart are just that . They cost too much and I have had them blow in a matter of days . . . makes me so mad I could spit . The black lights actually seem to be better . How to correct a chicks leg ? Well , sometimes chicks develop what is called splay leg . If you catch it early it can be corrected as they grow . This may seem a bit uncomfortable for the chick , but it is necessary or they will never be able to walk . You take a bandaid , a small one for tiny chicks , after they are able to start walking some , and you wrap each end around each leg , hobbling them in a way . . . but they can still get around to the food and water , trust me . This makes the legs stay in front and straight so as they grow it will grow properly instead of out to the sides . It is hard to visualize . . maybe I should go find a picture of the procedure and if I find it I will post it on the next post . A new baby has just come out with my help . Was BIG in the shell , filled up the whole shell so it was hard for it to turn around in there to peck its way out . . . this one is strong ! Long legged baby . . . all blonde , pictures to follow later today ! I came back , had to add , chickens dont stink ! Their poo does , but what poo doesnt ? Kept in clean conditions they are clean animals . Good clean quality pine shaving litter changed often , clean food and water dishes . Yes , outside , when it rains , it can smell . In the chicken house and in the pens if kept dry and on litter ( pine shavings ) and or hay ( wheat straw ) it will keep the smell down . Maintenance is they key . I have said it before , and I will say it again . I love to put my nose into those fluffy neck feathers when Phoenix first gets up out of his pillows and blankets in the morning . He smells like a stuffed animal . . . I cant describe it really . . but it is a good smell . . . not a smelly poo smell . Your Monday Photo Shoot : Give us a picture of many things alike - - and one thing not . If you 're of a certain age ( i . e . , my age ) , you 'll remember the song from Sesame Street that went " one of these things is not like the others . . . " This is a picture version of that . Could be as simple as three cups and a dish , or six cars and a bicycle , or a bunch of young kids with on elderly person . You get the idea . Here is a picture of some silkie chickens given to me by a friend . Twiggy , the black one on the end is the Odd Man Out . Posted by I had to help Ruby out of the shell . Shelby said the chick had been trying to get out since last night and that is long enough . Not to mention Ruby was in the egg upside down . So that would have made it harder for her to get out . She is going to be white . She is all yellow now . That will change when she grows older , she may get some more distinctive markings as her feathers come in . We do have one problem . When chicks hatch , their legs are drawn up and their toes are closed together next to each other . Rubys right leg was out , and the toes were splayed . That is not good . We will have to do everything we can to correct that leg so she can stand normally or she wont survive . Good Thursday morning . Recently I got a sample from the Walmart site online . You can get lots of free samples sent to you in the mail from them and it changes from week to week . I got a sample of Dunkin Donuts coffee . I was HOOKED instantly . Me being a cheap kind of gal I was a bit surprised at the small bag and the big price . But it was SO GOOD ! I am the only one that drinks coffee in this house , so it would last . It was six dollars and twenty four cents for this little bag . I snatched it up and threw it in the buggy . We are all allowed some indulgence aren 't we ? Got home and put away the groceries . Next morning I get my new coffee out , open it up , and UH OH . I picked up WHOLE BEAN in my haste . OOPS . I proceeded to put some in a plastic freezer baggie , wrap it in a kitchen towel and beat the tar out of it with a hammer , hoping to smash it to bits so I could have my new coffee . Looking at the results I thought I had done a pretty fair job . I put the carnage in a filter into the top of the coffee maker and filled the coffee maker up with water . Waiting patiently as it brewed . At last it stopped , it was finished . I thrust my cup under the dispenser and out came . . . well , something that looked like very weak tea . : ( I even tried it , tasted it , in a failing hope that it would be good enough . Nope . So I threw it all out and made my old brand , Red Diamond . Sigh . . . The next trip to Walmart for groceries I was on a mission to get me a coffee grinder . Ian found me one right away for fifteen dollars . I was so happy . I had now spent fifteen dollars to grind an overpriced small bag of coffee that wasnt even already ground for me . . . but I was happy . ; ) Now , I was asked when the babies might hatch . Well . . . I got an answer for you . Today ! Well , one anyway . I realize that after getting the eggs from under the hen like I did they will not all hatch at the same time . Some are a few days behind . I was sitting in the living room at five a . m . this morning watching the local news when I heard a very loud PEEP . I thought I might be hearing things . It wasnt time yet was it ? So I went in the kitchen , lifted the lid to the incubator and this is what I found . The first one is pipping ! It will more than likely take all day to come out . With these small breeds you have to sometimes help them out , but it is a very tricky delicate thing . If you open the egg too soon , they can die , but if you open it too late , they might have already died in the shell . It is a very delicate thing , you just kind of have to get a feel for it . I have had my share of failures unfortunately . Chicks have what is called a sort of ' tooth ' on the end of the top of their beak . It helps them to peck out of the shell . This will fall off later when the chick gets a little older , usually you will see it gone within a week or so . Well . . . they both won first place in their breed . Good right ? Well , leave it to me to bring a breed that is little known . There were no other Japanese Silver Phoenix to go up against . BUT . . with that said , the judges can still leave you with no marks or placing because your birds are not show quality . SO , I still got good marks , because I have nice show quality birds . Erin was in fact over the top . You know when a child is very upset and does that hitching sound while they are trying to talk ? Well that is what Erin sounded like , along with theatrics that were way out of place . Acting SO much LIKE a child , in the dark , Karen thought she was the child . Karen doesnt see Erin much either , I dont either for that matter , so it would have been easy to mistake Erin for Abby . LOL . . . I dont eat my chickens . . . unless they make me very angry . No , really , just kidding . I dont eat my chickens . They are pets . I am not a vegetarian . We eat plenty of meat . We eat chicken , fish , beef , pork , we are big meat eaters . No one in the back yard need worry . . . except maybe ALAN . The other day Shelby was upstairs in her bathroom brushing her teeth . If you look out her bathroom window you can see the whole back yard . She hollered down . . . If Alan gets out , he could kill Hank . They are the same size and the same breed , but Hank is old , Alan is not . Hank thinks he can fight , but he is clumsy and tires easily . Thankyou , all of you . I really appreciate each and everyone that comes by to visit me . : ) Now , I got to do some catching up of my own and visit some folks myself ! You all have a great day today . Ian has a friend at work that had an extra incubator he never used anymore . He asked Ian if I would like to use it . I had never thought about hatching my own , but this might be the start of something big , I really liked this idea . Ian brought the incubator home and I put egg after egg in there that I collected from Faith . The babies hatched in the wintertime so after they were about two and a half months old I put them in the garage in huge wooden boxes that Ian had gotten from work . They throw away all kinds of good stuff at his work , so I was happy to get these crates . With heat lamps and the shelter of the garage they were just fine over the winter . I hatched with the intention of selling them after they had filled out nicely . That was harder than I expected . This was my first hatch , my first babies . I did manage to sell all of the boys and kept some of the girls for line breeding with their father . You can do that with chickens . No brother sister breeding , but put the offspring with the parent and you actually can get some good birds out of it , sometimes better than the parent itself . I kept one young roo and put him with his mom . Now I could get a more diverse line and more eggs when it came time for another hatch . I put an ad in the Market Bulletin and within a few hours of that farm newspaper going out they were all spoken for . It was so hard to see them go . Since then other hatches have been easier for me as I dont keep them for months before selling them . Selling them as chicks keeps me from getting too attached . February 2006 . . . my first Poultry Show . I knew nothing about showing . . . but I read up on it and found lots of tips on showing . This opened up a whole new door of chicken ownership for me . There were so many breeds , so many birds . . . it was just fantastic , a poultry lovers paradise . Here is Tim , I took these pictures before the show that morning I believe . |
I was watching a BBC version of Jane Eyre . I began to think about when it became one of my favorite books . I was just about 12 years old . I identified with the young Jane . Bookish , didn 't belong anywhere really . One good friend . Losses . Abuse . As I got older , the relationship between Jane and Rochester grew as my understanding of a love between a man and woman grew . Somewhere , deep inside , I wanted my Rochester . My man that would see beyond the girl who was still a bookish wall flower . The one to draw me out . The one to declare his love and how being separated from me would cause a heartbreak he 'd never recover from . My innocent mind glossed over the mind games Rochester played on Jane . Of the three stages of the book , only one mattered . The one where they loved and were together . By 18 years old I found my Rochester . Dark , strong and somewhat brooding . I just knew there was love sleeping inside of him . At first , it seemed like I was right . Here was a man ( well , at 18 physically a man if not otherwise ) loving me . Seeing beauty in me that nobody had seen before . I was naive and didn 't see the tricks . That this type of man was often angry and entitled . I didn 't realize that if a man was dark and brooding , there was a reason for it . And as long as he kept that reason hidden in the attic , those around him would be affected by the visits of the specter he tried to lock away . I 've been injured by my Rochester 's attic secret . He 's kept secrets from me and himself . That doesn 't make them go away , just get crazier . That 's what brought the affairs on . A man who believed he could lock away secrets and take what he wanted . Childhood issues he can 't or won 't face . Some I knew , one I didn 't until at least a year after the second affair had ended . He was angry and snapped at me that others had had a hard life too . That others could forgive . He had . When he was six or seven a neighborhood teenage boy molested him for a few days . He kept it to himself until he was about 12 years old then told his mom . A yeEven if he 's right and my research into the long term effects of molestation are wrong , he has more issues from his childhood he 's never faced . He 's wounded and crippled . I 'm not Jane though . I didn 't find my support system and get validated . I don 't have the strength to nurse him back to a whole man who can see clearly . I have my own scars . Many he helped cause and even layered one over the other . Rochester can love me , but can he be whole enough to pull me out of the web he 's created ? I realized today that I just report the facts . No mean feat considering just the facts are so emotional too . I gloss over so much , even then it hurts . My first d - day . Some would call it c - day . Confession over discovery . It 's a d - day to me . Devastating . Demoralizing . Dream - shattering . It was only a confession day because Sorry decided to force MrJJ 's hand . " Tell her or I 'll tell her in the most hurtful way possible . " What could hurt more than knowing your prince , your happily - ever - after , your man of honor loved someone else ? That someone else was your friend ? I 've written about it here before , that day . As I write it this time , iTunes has shuffled a song called " Friends and Love " into the playlist . I can 't even remember where it came from , it 's beautiful . Friends and love should be beautiful . This friend , this love … not beautiful . Watching one of those spy movies recently , I was wondering why I triggered . The woman was trying to escape someone , going in and out of buildings . I 've done that . Not life or death , but as it turned out , a part of me died that day . I sat in the floor of my closet , crying . I felt frumpy . She made me feel frumpy with her little comments , though I did not connect that until later . MrJJ stood over me , angry . What was my problem ? Please , please let 's go out … but not with her . Just us two . Just this once , I begged . We already invited her , she 's been having a hard time , you know that . You 're holding us up . It was a sneer , a disdain in the reply . I imagine that he also said they 'd go without me and I bustled , but that might not be the truth . It would fit with the whole picture . We went to Denny 's . I can 't remember ordering . I can 't remember anything but sitting next to the window , the morning sun streaming in . I think MrJJ sat next to me , but I couldn 't swear to it . There was some movement under the table . The wait for the food was forever , each moment a torment as we all just sat there . I don 't think I talked , all my memories come later . The movement under the table clicked something in me and I got up and left . The town wasn 't built up in that area yet . The black roads and drying fields yawned ahead of me . Everything seemed too bright to have shape . I hurried away , tears blurring things even more . Half a block down , I see they have gotten in the Jeep to follow me . I ducked into a Hardees , only to be told I 'm sorry , we 're closed for renovation . I look down at what looks like a Carl 's Jr . star . Huge and waiting to be hung . I was confused - those are from when I lived in California as a child , not here in rural NC . I stumbled out of the door and walked as fast as I could to the next building . A hotel . The confused faces of the staff blurred past me as I rushed upstairs , down the hall . I wanted to hide , there was nowhere to hide , just the maroon carpet and shut door . So I went down the other stairs , two flights of stark tan walls and stairs . I couldn 't even find an ice machine to hide behind . I rushed out , hoping MrJJ and Sorry were looking somewhere else . There they were , in the parking lot . I ran to the back of the hotel , hoping to escape there . The deep and wide ditch stopped me . There was nothing but a wide dying field ahead of me . No cover . As I teetered on the edge of the ditch , MrJJ came to me , pulled me to him and hugged me . Kissed the top of my head . Promised me he loved me and it would all be ok . MrJJ walked me to the Jeep , put me in , buckled me up and I leaned my head against the window , crying . When we pulled into our apartments , I begged him to drop her off at home . She couldn 't stay here . Of course she wasn 't staying , he said , I 'm dropping her off . Then do it , don 't leave me alone . Don 't worry , I 'll be right back , I love you . It felt like forever . This was before cell phones were ubiquitous . No choice but to wait . I don 't know why I didn 't call her house . I finally couldn 't take the torture . I gather all the pills in the house and some wine coolers . I got into my car , intending to drive down a long country road , take the pills with coolers and stuff the tailpipe of the car . Let someone find me , just let the pain go away . I got to the nearby community college and suddenly felt I had to turn around . It turns out that they were there , in a gazebo . Thought I had seen them . That 's the only reason MrJJ came home soon after I got home . The rest … well , i can be read here . I was left to die or not . I can feel the summer day almost like you can feel Maximus ' hand over the field in Gladiator . The same colors , same surreal reality . Five days before my birthday and I 'm left behind like the leftover filled Styrofoam boxes from Denny 's . By the time my birthday rolled around , celebrating my life was as unwanted as those leftovers . I was closer to death , slowly dying . I can see the wires protruding from the new Hardee 's sign . I can feel a blur of diners around me in Denny 's . This happened June 19 , 1999 . We buried it all almost immediately . The last year of a millennium , and here we are on the cusp of a new decade in the new millennium and I can still remember . Even buried , it was STILL there . If it won 't go away , how do I move away from it . I can 't randomly delete it . Those feelings , they come back . It 's a PTSD thing . The first time I saw a Hardee 's after the second affair came to light , I triggered . I didn 't know what it is , or what it was called at the time , but it was there . Now I 'm supposed to recover ? HOW ? How do you forget when you 've tried so hard and it WON ' T GO AWAY ? How do you heal sleeping next to the person who hurt you , let you hurt but won 't let you go - and won 't help you fight the demons he gave birth to in your dreams , in your life ? Well , you would think so , right ? We 're still young , just pushing into our mid - 20 's . MrJJ has the job that will open up doors and windows and bring us into the world of fresh air . We 've rededicated our lives to each other and Christ . Yes , the curtain opens . Sorry and her husband Jerk are out of our lives . MrJJ is a few states away training for his new job . But he comes home every chance he gets . Even through Hurricane Floyd . His school was evacuated , he was supposed to go west . He came north to be with me . Water was riding high over the headlights of my little Dodge Neon . He still drove on and stayed with me through the aftermath of no drinking water , no power , nothing . In those early weeks of September , Sorry paged MrJJ 's pager , only I had it . I wore it in case my friend Olive went into labor . She had her baby right around that time . Seeing baby Beauty was the first time I ever had baby fever . MrJJ and I discussed it and decided to ' stop preventing ' . We weren 't trying , but we would accept a child if God chose to give one to us . By Halloween I knew I was pregnant . I kept it in until MrJJ could come home . MrJJ was over the moon . Bought a little moose for the baby . Started talking names . He graduated soon after that and began working in VA . He had to live with relatives and commute until we had a home . My father - in - law still has many of our possessions from that time , including the boot camp letters . He says no , but I saw a few the last time we visited his house . Sorry for the tangent , but I feel enough of my life has been taken between being a military brat and having divorced parents . He 's just one more on the pile . MrJJ wanted the best home for his family that he could afford . I just wanted to be with him . I gave up driving up there to find a home and left it to him . We wouldn 't agree anyway . By December we had a home and were just waiting for all the paperwork to go through . I had also found a job near MrJJ 's at a federal daycare . Daycare hours , school teacher pay . Perfect for our fledgling family . I spent New Years Eve ' 99 babysitting and rubbing my still tiny belly . I had lost about 30 pounds in the aftermath of the summer of ' 99 and was feeling good for the most part . There was still this nagging sadness , but I did my best to concentrate on the future and pushed it aside . I talked to MrJJ on the phone , he was working too . He asked what I was doing , I said I was in bed with a guy , the little boy I was babysitting . He had been afraid of all the noise . And so rang in the year Y2K . This century had to be better than the last , right ? The next day I moved up to live with MrJJ in a motel while we waited for our house . I began my job and was initiated into the Washington DC mixing bowl traffic . We did travel back to NC in that first month for a funeral . MrJJ 's paternal grandfather had died . Even in her mourning , his grandmother managed to ' joke ' that MrJJ wasn 't the father of my baby . I bristled at the implication and could almost see some respect for MrJJ drop away as he said nothing . We moved into our first home . It was a sweet little townhouse in the far ' burbs of DC . We began nesting and planning our future as a little family with so much promise . The problem is , you can live in a new house with fresh paint and throw the curtains open to a new day . But if there 's a body under the rug , it 's eventually going to stink . I was in my first year of teaching . MrJJ initially was in basic law enforcement training but got a job as soon as we graduated . One day he came home with a dinner invite from one of his co - workers . I was thrilled . His instructor had given a speech at graduation on how important it was to make friends with fellow cops . After all , the job was stressful and only other cops knew what it was like . We all hit it off right away . There was never an awkward pause . Soon , we began going out to dinner with them , they hung out at our place , we hung out at theirs . Yes , Jerk ( the husband ) and Sorry ( the wife ) were a lot of fun to be with . There were awkward moments though . Like one night we were watching a movie at their house . There was a new movie we hadn 't seen yet , but Jerk and Sorry insisted on watching " Wild Things " . When the threesome part came on , I felt uncomfortable with the look Jerk gave me . After the movie ended , Jerk talked about Sorry making out with a female co - worker while they thought he was asleep on the couch . She laughed and told him she knew he was awake , just like he had been awake for the lap dance she bought him … and she ended up making out with the stripper . Another time they invited us to go to Hedonism II with them . MrJJ said it wasn 't likely , we had other vacation destinations to save up for . It was after that he described the place and told me it made him uncomfortable . He thought maybe they wanted more of the friendship than we did . Jerk had told him some stories , guy talk . MrJJ didn 't want me involved with that . For the first time in my life I had next to no worries . There were no money problems . I was in love with my husband more than ever - look what we had survived . Not every couple can stop abuse , even the ' small ' abuse MrJJ dished out to me . My biggest stress was teaching and an extremely overbearing mentor . But that soon ended . It was summer and I was free . Except my classes of course . I had graduated w / a BA in my field and needed a few more courses to get my teaching license . But the fun continued . Except for Jerk and Sorry They were having problems . They had been married less than a year , in fact , they had just come back from a delayed honeymoon right before we started hanging out . Hedonism II . MrJJ knew of it , but the significance was lost on me . But now , less than two years into their entire relationship , Sorry was dissatisfied . I remember us hiding out in her closet while she told me she wasn 't sure if she loved Jerk She lost that ' fairy tale feeling ' and missed it . I assured her it comes and goes . Hold on , it will come back . Marriage is full of hills and valleys . Why , look at MrJJ and myself . We just got over a deep valley . Now , I loved him more than ever before . Sorry just needed to share her feelings with Jerk . Communication was a must . She replied , " I just want what you have . " I sighed . She didn 't get it . What I was having now wouldn 't last forever . It comes and goes . Soon after though , I noticed her giving MrJJ looks . She expected him to react to her the same way he reacted to me . She 'd dress in clothes that showed her to advantage , then point it out . For instance , once after I confided in her that I was self conscious about my upper arms and so avoided sleeveless shirts and dresses , she wore a white tank top the next time we met . It showed off her tan skin to advantage . She also asked if she should follow Jerk 's request and put her crochet white sweater over it , as without her bra her nipples were almost visible . We 'd go out and I 'd think MrJJ 's friendliness was too close to flirting . I 'd get upset , Sorry would comfort and support me . Soon , MrJJ and I began fighting about all sorts of things . Sorry would support me , tell me I wasn 't blowing things out of proportion . One night , MrJJ decided to spend the night at Sorry and Jerk 's house . I wanted to beg him to stay but Sorry told me if I accepted his treatment of me , she 'd tell him off herself . One night she called us , freaking out that she heard a noise . Apparently the gun she had , the phone that could have called 911 instead of us , the Rottweiler … that wasn 't enough protection . She insisted my husband come to check it out . I came with , staying on the phone until we were out of range . MrJJ went into the house alone and came out after about 15 minutes . It was nothing . During all of this , we would still go out , with one exception . We 'd go while Jerk was on his shift . Sorry didn 't seem to mind being a third wheel . We played tennis together , Sorry pouting in the backseat of my car as the Bryan Adams song " Run to You " played on the radio . I thought she was crying over her marriage . I felt sorry for her and hoped we 'd have fun . When it came time to play , I became disgruntled because Sorry kept mocking my tennis playing skills . I was there to have fun and it was not fun for me at all . At least she had her high spirits back though . One ridiculous moment happened at Olive Garden . MrJJ said something about how he liked the olives in the salad although he always picked the soup instead . I was teasing him and said , " You can 't have mine , you want one , eat some salad . " Sorry jumped in , " He can have mine ! " I kind of looked at her and said , " No , I 'm his wife , if he wants an olive , he can have mine . " She insisted and gave him her olive . Weird and stupid I know , but that 's the kind of thing that even in the moment you think , " What 's going on here ? " One night we went to the local sandwich - brew joint , Sorry was pouting in the backseat the whole way . When we got home , MrJJ pulled out his telescope . He was showing Sorry the stars . I asked to see them too and he backed away . I tried to look but was too short . I moved away as he guided Sorry to the telescope . I sat on the curb , trying not to look at my husband standing behind my friend , looking at the stars together . I couldn 't even tell you how long it was , just that they didn 't notice when I went inside . I told myself it was nothing . Even if my friend had a crush on my husband , I could trust him . Soon after that , MrJJ picked another fight . Again , he went to spend the night at Sorry and Jerk 's house . This time though , Jerk was at work . I sat at home crying . I finally decided to fight . I went to their house . I pounded on the door and insisted on seeing MrJJ right away . She led me to the upstairs guest room . I scanned the room , relieved to only see MrJJ cleaning his gear for the next day 's shift . I got on my knees , clinging to his . I begged him to come home and talk . He coldly refused . I reluctantly left , Sorry shutting the door firmly behind me . I found another note to his high school teacher . She had long been a sore point for me . Always the " What If " woman . I held back though . I had been jealous for too long . I was taking a psych class and my project was to change my behavior for two weeks . I did it . I kept calm . I was proud of myself . I wanted to make myself better for our marriage . I wanted a husband that wanted to be with me . After all , less than two months ago we were in love like newlyweds , right ? It could happen again . If I was just good enough . If I just held my temper . Our marriage limped along . I didn 't feel safe to be vulnerable . I tested MrJJ by refusing to clean , wanting to see what it took for him to pitch in . I would push and push and push , wanting to see emotion from him . There wasn 't the love there used to be . It was either nothing or anger . I began to get involved with an online role play community . I had a few flirtations that made me feel better some . I reasoned MrJJ said it was ok , right ? It did make me feel stronger . People saw me , just me and liked me . I felt like I wasn 't pretending online , but now I know I probably was . At least some , everyone does . I thought then that I was being genuine where I wasn 't safe with my own husband . By this time I had quit my first daycare . It was too stressful . A friend convinced me to apply at the Christian daycare down the road . I started working there in ' 95 . I was surrounded - mostly - by people who were caring . Who saw something in me . When MrJJ came to pick me up , he was cheerful and outgoing . They adored him , laughed with him . I was fake though . Work was an escape , school was an escape and soon my online friends became an escape . Emboldened by the feeling that I wasn 't a worthless bitch , I began to insist that " something " be done . MrJJ at first declared that it was financial pressures and so our problems would eventually go away when we were financially secure . Eventually it became , " It 's your fault , you make me do it because you are such a bitch . " I started researching divorce in our state . I discovered we would have to have one year of separation before dissolution was granted . One year ? They should have required a one year wait before the marriage , that would prevent problems ! MrJJ didn 't realize anything was wrong . He went away the summer of ' 97 for training . He sent me gifts for my birthday but to me they were things you would send a sister , not a wife you loved . He remained distant , argumentative . So finally , one day I told him on the phone that we needed to separate . That we would use the one year as a deadline and if he didn 't stop physically hurting me , we 'd get divorced . No more putting things off . When MrJJ came home from training , he told me he 'd leave , but if he left it would be forever . He didn 't see how we could work on things while we were apart . I didn 't see how we could work on things together when we failed so miserably to date . So he left . I didn 't hear from him at all . I had some friends come visit . One put it off , he was supposed to come with my female friend as they lived nearby . He claimed his work schedule prevented him . So when Creep finally came , it was just the two of us . When we were alone and kissed , it felt wrong . I felt obligated though , as though I had led him on and thus couldn 't say no . We had sex . It was shameful fumbling . He couldn 't maintain an erection and never ' finished ' . I died a little inside . I thought it would make me feel better . MrJJ had told me he had made out w / another woman after I told him I wanted to separate . I took that and his refusal to talk after he left as extreme rejection . I convinced myself that the obligation I felt to have sex with Creep was more than it was . But it was really just a girl trying to find worth somewhere because she felt worthless inside . It backfired . I kept up the act though , acted like I was enjoying Creep 's company . We started making cookies and watching a movie . There was a knock at the door . A glowering MrJJ stood in the threshold . I went for a walk with him , assured him Creep was just a friend who had come at the wrong time . I was amazed that of all days , MrJJ comes back in my life that day . It had been weeks , months since MrJJ had contacted me . This was a Sign . When I got back , Creep nervously said he should probably leave . He paid to have his flight switched to as early as possible . Relieved to have him gone and resentful that he would run when he feared MrJJ would beat me , I offered to drive him to the airport as soon as possible . I began falling asleep at the wheel . I got a hotel room halfway there . We slept with a pillow between us that I had wordlessly placed there and Creep just accepted . I dropped him off at the airport and sped home . Our first year of marriage I started out working nearly full time in a fabric store . One of my classes had a practical requirement , so I had to fit in some hours volunteering at a local daycare . By the end of the semester , that became a full time job for me and I was able to quit the fabric store . One day , for some reason after we had been married about six months , I logged onto MrJJ 's email account . I found a completely empty inbox . The sent box contained at least one message . One message is all I needed to read . It was to some woman . It read : I love you @>—-> - - - For those that don 't know , the last thing is an internet version of a rose . I can 't even remember if there were other emails , I just remember changing his password and logging off . My heart plummeted . Even just typing this out , my stomach is in knots . I had to go to work , while there I vented to a friend . She agreed I needed to confront . When I came home , I stormed into the apartment . MrJJ was shocked . He said it was nothing , just someone he met in a chat room . It was a game , she wasn 't real to him . He had no problem with me monitoring his emails or ending it . She became real when he got a picture and card from her a couple of weeks later . She had discovered where he worked and sent it there . It freaked him out . But the lesson I learned was that my newlywed husband didn 't love me . He couldn 't , or he wouldn 't have been able to betray me like that , right ? I also learned that he thought internet flirtations were ok as long as they were online . I further felt devalued when I found a letter he wrote to his ' crush teacher ' . You know , the young teacher in high school that the guys all have a thing for ? J . W . was that teacher and apparently nearly had an inappropriate encounter with MrJJ while he was in school . MrJJ kept in contact with her now and then . This particular letter detailed all of his accomplishments . And , on the back of page two , two small sentences . " I also got married this year . You 'd like her , she 's nice . " I was a foot note in his life . Yet I loved him desperately . Our relationship , our marriage , became me feeling unloved . Like I had to earn the love . Then resentment would build up and I 'd blow up at MrJJ I have a quick mind when it comes to words and I can be very caustic . MrJJ would feel left behind , confused , attacked . He 'd lash out physically . He 'd shove me , grab me , pull me . On two occasions he lifted me off the ground by the neck . I never called it abuse . An abused wife had bruises and broken bones . It became my fault . I 'm a bitch , I 'm a nag , I 'm too controlling . I accepted it . I have always been harder on myself than anyone else . I was a combination of the proud , independent woman I had always dreamed of being when my stepmother was controlling me , and the weak girl - woman that so desperately wanted her husband 's love . I resented it , I held it in and lashed out about other things . I kept the core of who I was secret and protected . MrJJ and I were living together for less than a year when we decided it was time to get married . People asked why we didn 't wait until we graduated , had our diplomas in hand ? We replied - what did one pieces of paper ( the diploma ) have to do with another ( the marriage license ) ? Perhaps those well meaning people should have recommended some pre - marital counseling or even a delay of just another year . Although , at 20 years , we knew everything so any advice would have likely been ignored anyhow . After all , that had been the plan since the first months of dating , and we were nearing two years . We chose the Friday after our dating anniversary , that fell on a Monday that year . We had so little money , we decided to just do a Justice of the Peace wedding . We thought it was the marriage that mattered , not the wedding . So we told our families . My dad wanted to fly cross country , but I told him not to bother for a simple JoP ceremony , we 'd renew our vows in a few years when we graduated and had money . MrJJ 's dad railed , accusing me of marrying him for his money . Huh ? I was supporting the both of us working in a fabric store while going to school full time ! MrJJ 's mom decided on the day of the wedding not to come because it was raining and she didn 't want to drive the two hours in the rain . We did have witnesses , some people who decided it was worth their time . MrJJ 's uncle and his wife braved the drive , our best friends from college ( a couple we are still friends with ) , and our neighbor and her boyfriend . I wore a dress the neighbor gave me , it was a simple white cotton with some seed beading on the bodice . That was something borrowed and old . From the fabric store I got discounted lace and blue ribbon and wove them together , trimming the skirt . That was something new and blue . MrJJ wore his USMC dress blues . We drove to the JoP , we had tried to make an appointment but we were told to just come in . There was someone before us . Some guy in cuffs , sitting with his head bowed . I noted he had some white crusty stuff in his hair and wondered where it came from . The JoP came out and asked who was next . They indicated the cuffed man . Looking at him , then us , the JoP said , " You 're not going anywhere , let 's let this nice couple in . " Once we shuffled into his small office , the JoP had MrJJ and I stand together and hold hands while we repeated the vows after him . I had eyes only for MrJJ . I have no idea what everyone else was doing , where they were standing . MrJJ . 's uncle was supposed to take pictures with my camera , but didn 't know how to use it . Only one came out , of MrJJ . 's chest . So all I have are the memories of that day . I remember my hands shaking as I put the ring on MrJJ . 's finger . When it stuck a little at the knuckle , I fretted that it was a bad omen . Vows said , kisses exchanged , the JoP pronounced us married . He declared , " This is a marriage that is going to last . Never have I had such a nice young couple that took the time to dress up . It shows you value this marriage . " Many times over the years I have felt an irrational obligation to live up to those words . MrJJ . 's uncle insisted on taking us all out to eat . At a place with actual table cloths . We went out to a nice Chinese restaurant we had never been to before . When we returned to our apartment , MrJJ . 's uncle and wife left us with a large family Bible and money to get started . Our friends stayed for a bit , having cake and toasting us . They left and we had our first night together . MrJJ had been calling me Mrs . from early on , but now it was reality . To me , the most special moment of that day was that night , in the dark . At one point there was an electrical current that flowed though me . It honestly felt like God 's blessing . Like we were finally on the right path . When I mentioned it to MrJJ , it turns out he had felt the same surge . 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Cassie and Kell slept for a few hours , then got up and dressed . Cassie packed a few necessities in her backpack . Kell had noticed that she always carried the pack but had never paid attention to what she put in it before . They locked up and walked down to the coffee shop where they saw the computers for public access . While Kell logged in , Cassie went to the counter and got them two coffees . She held out Kell 's coffee and asked him what he had found . " Look at this ! " He said . " I knew I had seen this before . It 's like a twisted figure eight . It 's the symbol for infinity . There 's more here . " He said as he clicked another link . The next site told them about a man named Mobius that the Mobius strip was named for . It showed a strip of paper , twisted , then formed into a loop with the ends taped together . If you were physically able , you could run your finger all the way around , touching both sides of the paper strip without ever taking your finger from the paper . " I have no idea but maybe ? It makes sense doesn 't it ? We think of time as a straight line , moving in one direction with a beginning and an end . " Kell said thoughtfully . Kell cleared the history and logged off . " I don 't know Cass , maybe she thought she would have more time . " He stopped , thought and for a moment . " Have you ever jumped to a specific time ? " " No . It seems like a portal opens when there is a need , like when you were in danger of being killed by the explosion at the center . I don 't know what will happen next … or when . " Cassie said as they walked out the door . " They walked along thinking and talking , not really paying attention to where they were going . The sky was clouding up . Kell realized they were standing across the street from the Community Center . " Look at the poster Cassie ! " She turned and looked at him and followed his line of sight . In the front window of the Community Center was a poster showing a large picture of the cold eyed man who was cutting a ribbon on a new facility . " We have to get close enough to see what it says . " Kell said . " I know , but I think it 's important . It 's about to start raining . I 'll put up my hood and keep my head down . Just a fast look ! You walk down this side of the street for a few blocks and I 'll meet you . " Kell put up his hood and strolled across the street . There was a light drizzle falling now . Cassie forced herself to stop watching him and walked up the street . She pretended to look in store windows as she watched his reflection as long as possible . It was hard to keep going without looking at him but she didn 't want to attract attention to him . As she started up the next block Kell came up from behind and fell into step beside her , taking her elbow . His mouth was set in a straight line and his eyes were blazing . " What did it say ? " Cassie asked him . " Just keep walking for a few minutes while I try to calm down ! " he said . Kell was walking rapidly with his head down and Cassie was having trouble keeping up . She pulled him down a side street into a doorway . " I don 't think so " Cassie said pointing a little to the north . There were birds all whirling together , trying to stay in one place in the wind . " I think we better head that way . " " Oh man , not really ready to do this again ! " Kell said . but he let Cassie pull him towards the spot under the birds . They were getting soaked but they kept going . A man called out as he ran down the street from the direction of the center . " Run ! " Cassie said and they took off . They ran up some concrete steps and the wind was getting stronger . " Have you ever done this in a storm before ? " Kell had to yell now . " Doesn 't matter ! Let 's go ! " The air was doing the shimmery thing again and they held hands and just before the guy following them came around the corner , they jumped . The heat and humidity hit them like a cloud of steam . They weren 't near the Community Center anymore . They weren 't any where Kell recognized at all ! It 's dark , fog brained , pitch . What is that sound ? ? Where am I ? Kell struggled up from sleep , trying to make sense of the messages his brain was sending him . He felt around the bedside table next to him and found the lamp and turned it on . " Wha … . Cassie , baby , what is it ? " Cassie was standing in front of the window , arms wrapped around herself , eyes wide open , staring at nothing . The sound coming from her made goosebumps on Kell 's arms . He jump . stumbled to her and tried to put his arms around her but it was like hugging an ice sculpture . He spun her around so he could see her face . " Cassie , talk to me ! I 'm right here . It 's ok ! " Kell rubbed her arms and touched her face and she slowly closed her eyes and leaned against him , shaking and limp . " Give me a minute " she said . She was ice cold and pale . Kell pulled her over to the bed and sat down , still holding her . Tears were streaming down her face now . " Yes and you too . You looked so … I don 't know , bereft ! I couldn 't stand it . And he was smiling , happy . " Cassie cried . " I hate him ! He 's there when I 'm awake and shows up when I 'm sleeping . This time my mother was there too . I wish I knew what it means , what he wants ! " " I know . So do I . " Kell was rocking her like a child now , holding on to her , warming her . Her robe had slipped down off her shoulder and he pulled it back around her . The shaking had stopped and her color was coming back . He bent his head down to kiss her on the forehead and as he did she turned her face up to him . She had stopped crying . Kell went to the kitchen to get her a glass and when he came back , Cassie was already in bed . He realized the robe was on the floor . She sat up with the sheet wrapped around her and took the glass from him . He got in the bed and waited . They had been through so much lately , he didn 't want to misunderstand . She set the glass on the nightstand and scooted down in the bed till she was laying down face to face with him . " I love you " she told him . " I 'm sorry about , well everything . I feel like it 's all my fault somehow . " Kell reached for her and folded her in his arms . " If it hadn 't been for you I would have been killed . You didn 't ask for this . It 's happening to both of us . " He said . " You can 't know that . Maybe the man would have come looking for me and you wouldn 't have been there to warn me . I 'm glad you found me . We are going to figure this out . " he said . " Whatever happens we will face it together and someday we will be looking back at all of this and it will be nothing more than a great story to tell . " " It belonged to my mother . Before she died she took it off and gave it to me . She had worn it as long as I could remember and she told me to never take it off . " she told him . " It looks familiar to me . I think I 've seen that symbol before . Maybe we could stop by that coffee shop with the internet cafe and search for it tomorrow . It feels important somehow . It looks a little like a figure eight " he said . " No , it was a car accident . She was called in to work on a Saturday and someone ran her off the road . I called her job when she didn 't come home and they said they hadn 't seen her . I got a neighbor to give me a ride and retraced her regular route . If I hadn 't been looking , I wouldn 't have seen her car . It was a big drainage ditch and the trees and shrubs around it hadn 't been cleaned out in awhile . " she told him . The driver of the other car never stopped . She was still conscious when I got to her but she was hurt so bad … . . I still miss her . " She said . " I was seventeen . " Kell and Cassie quickly scanned the article under the picture of the man . Kell flipped back to where it was continued and they read on . " This says he is a businessman from New Orleans and he 's planning on investing in this community where he now has some of his interests . " Kell said . " It makes him sound like he 's a saint ! " Said Cassie shivering . " Me too . I feel like it 's been weeks since I 've slept . " Cassie said . " I 'm tired , but I 'm not sure I 'm going to be able to sleep . It worries me that he is out there and knows where we are . " " I bolted the door from the inside . If he was going to hurt us , he has had opportunities . I think he is waiting for something , though I can 't think what . Maybe if we get some rest we can make some sense of this in the morning . Do you want to shower first ? " Kell was folding up the paper and picking up the sack of toiletries . " Cassie headed for the shower and Kell turned down the bed and looked in the closet . There was her robe . Now what should he do ? This was weird , to find they were married . They hadn 't talked about it at all and now … . well , with everything they had been through , they would face this too , he hoped . Listen to me , thinking this is something we have to face . This had always been easy before , as though they had always known each other . He took the robe off the hanger and knocked on the bathroom door . Cassie opened the door a little and he could see she was in her underwear . He held out the robe to her and she smiled and said thanks and then froze . I 'm standing here in the door in my underwear like it 's nothing , she thought . Why was this is so awkward ? Now she was nervous . How did he feel ? The whole marriage thing , they really hadn 't had time to talk about it , to get used to the idea . She looked at his face and his eyes caught hers and she knew it would be okay . She trusted him , and he believed in her . He had the funniest look on his face . She smiled and he grinned as though he had been waiting for her reaction . Yes , it would be more than okay . " Thanks ! " She said and closed the door . She clapped her hand over her mouth as she felt the uncontrollable giggling start . It 's the stress , she thought . She stepped into the shower and let the hot water rush over her , calming her . She was tired , full , and now clean . Heaven , she thought . She turned off the water when she was through and dried off . Using the same towel to wipe off the mirror , she combed her hair out and brushed her teeth . She hung the towel up to dry and then stopped and got a clean towel out for Kell and put it over the towel rack . She pulled on her robe and stepped out into the bedroom . Kell was sitting on the edge of the bed reading the rest of the newspaper . " Learn anything helpful ? " She asked him . " Ask me in the morning when my brain is working again . " He said . " I 'm way to tired to think . " " Your turn . I even left a little hot water for you . " She said . She saw he had turned the bed down , and that he had a clean tee shirt and boxers with him . She grinned at him as he gave a little shake and closed the bathroom door . She turned on a lamp by the bed and turned off the big ceiling light . She checked the lock on the window and shuddered a bit before pulling down the shade and making sure the curtains were pulled shut . She wandered around the room , looking at their things and wondering what it had been like , picking them out together . She yawned again and went to the bed and curled up on the pillows . She could hear the water running and Kell humming in the shower . Kell came out of the bathroom drying his hair . He looked up and saw Cassie , sound asleep on the bed . He sighed , hung up his towel , combed his hair , and lay down on the bed beside her . He reached out and touched her face and then picked up the little medallion she wore on the chain around her neck . She never took it off and now he had the weirdest feeling . It looked familiar , like he had seen it somewhere else . He would ask her about it in the morning . He pulled the covers up over both of them and reached over to turn out the light . Cassie turned onto her side and he curled up next to her , pulling her up against him . Cassie snuggled a little closer . Kell put his arm around her and she pulled the arm closer and in minutes , Kell was fast asleep as well . this truly is a bit rough . I need an English teacher smacking my hand with a ruler on a regular basis . I 'll go back over it later to fix it , just had to get it down before it went out of my head . Cassie and Kell walked down the street . The street was familiar and yet it wasn 't . Subtle differences caused by time . " Look ! The Community Center is still there ! " Kell exclaimed . They turned down a side street and headed toward a line of shops . There were people strolling down the sidewalk . Some were looking in windows , some talking , and some sharing a cone from the ice cream shop . About halfway down the street they spied tables and chairs at an outdoor cafe . " There ! Let 's see if they have pizza . I know I could think more clearly if my stomach wasn 't growling ! " Cassie said . Cassie and Kell walked down to the cafe and went to the window to place their order . There was a chalkboard menu to the left of the window and thank goodness , pizza was listed . Cassie looked at Kell and he grinned and turned to the tattooed , pierced , and bored looking teenager behind the counter . " Two slices of Pineapple and Canadian Bacon Thin Crust and two bottled waters please . " he said . After he had paid , they found a table and chairs in the shadows and sat down to eat . Neither one spoke for a few minutes , too busy chewing and licking melted cheese from their fingers . . Cassie reached out and stole a piece of bacon from Kell 's pizza , " Hey ! " he laughed . The smile kind of died on his face . It seemed so absurd to be sitting here eating pizza as if all were normal . " And we know you are supposed to do something - but we don 't know what . " Cassie added . There has to be a reason for my dreams and my uh , ability . " They finished their water and bundled up their trash and threw it in the can by the counter . " Come on , lets get a newspaper and some supplies and head back . " Kell grabbed Cassie 's hand and they headed down the street to the drugstore . They picked up a paper , and some toiletries , coffee and breakfast bars for in the morning . Kell paid for their purchases and they headed back towards the apartment . The sun was getting lower and more people were out walking . Cassie and Kell strolled with the crowd , taking their time . As they neared the apartment , Cassie glanced in a window as they passed and saw a face reflected that stopped her in her tracks . Kell stopped and turned to her and saw where she was looking . As he peered at the window he too saw a face in the crowd that was looking directly at them . It was there for a second and by the time Kell whipped around to see the real person , the face was gone . Cassie still stood frozen in place . Kell grabbed her ice cold hand and rubbed it . One look at her pale face told him that the face was the one from her dreams . " Come on Cassie , lets get inside ! " Cassie stumbled blindly , as Kell pulled her along . He unlocked the door and then relocked it once they were inside . He flipped on the light and dropped the shopping bags on the table . " Cassie , talk to me baby ! Sit down here , come on , are you ok ? We are safe now . We 're inside and he 's gone ! " Cassie slowly sat down and sat at the table shaking . " It was him . He is here and he terrifies me . I don 't even know why , Kell ! " She looked up at him . " I 've only dreamed of his face . How can a dream face scare me so badly ? " " Cassie , I 've never even dreamed of him and it scared me . There was something about those eyes . They were so cold , even though he was smiling . We can 't let him freak us out though . You got us this far Cassie . You 're the bravest person I 've ever met . We can get through this ! " Kell , held onto her hands as he spoke . " That 's the longest speech I 've ever heard you make , Kell . " Cassie let out a long sigh . " Ok , we can do this . I 'll try not to freak out too often . " As she spoke , Kell picked up the newspaper that was rolled up in the bag and laid it on the table . They both looked at the paper and there on the front was a picture of the man they had just seen on the street . I 'm not happy with this and I 'm not sure why . I 'm going to live with it a bit and revise later if I need to . Made a few minor changes . A few of the sentences were driving me crazy . Kell bent to pick up the letter at the same time Cassie reached for it . They bumped heads and they both jerked back . Cassie rubbed her forehead and laughed nervously . Kell reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear . " You okay ? " He asked . I don 't have a lot of time . Cassie will be back soon and I don 't want to worry her . I think we will be moving on soon . Just a couple of things that might help down the line . Trust Cassie , but don 't leave it all on her . She is your soul mate . Time to start carrying your part , dude . Cassie is only part of it - you are key . " Stop us from what ? " Kell had stopped pacing and stared at Cassie . " What does it mean - I 'm key ? " He asked . Cassie shook her head , suddenly unable to speak . There were tears in her eyes and Kell sat down next to her and hugged her . " It 's ok . At least it will be . We will figure this out together . From now on it 's both of us . " He told her as he smoothed her hair . Kell grinned . " Let 's go check the hiding place and see what we have . Hopefully this future still has pizza ! Come on . " Kell pulled Cassie up from the couch and started towards the bedroom . Cassie followed , curious . Kell opened the closet and moved some clothes out of the way and knelt down . He reached to the side and pulled the molding away from the floor . There , in a plastic bag was some folded up money and cards . He took the cards and some of the money out and replaced the bag and molding . " You 've done this before ? " She asked . Kell smiled . " Yes . Ever since I was a kid . I had a stepdad that would take anything we had to buy booze so I learned early to hide anything valuable . The letter really must have been from me . Let 's go find something to eat . " They headed out the door and down the street . They didn 't see the man in the leather coat across the street . He was standing in the shadow of a doorway across the street . The man smiled and threw his cigarette at a cat that ran by him . He headed off in the same direction , whistling . " I used to have dreams when I was a kid . They weren 't little girl dreams . Sometimes they were scary . Sometimes confusing . The only constant was the face of a person I had never seen . " She began . " In all the dreams I was drawn to that face . It made me feel safe and it felt important somehow . As I got older , I found myself scanning crowds , looking for that face . I was just waiting for something to happen . Then I saw you . I was walking past the Community Center and saw you standing near the window . You were smiling and talking to an elderly lady and you carried a box out to her car for her . I started walking near the Center everyday after that . " " So you knew the future before it got here ? " Kell asked . " Now you 're telling me that you can move through time and see the future ? " " The future isn 't set . " She said . " When the past changes the future is affected . This is one possible future . " Cassie sucked in her breath and waited for his reaction . She watched him covertly trying to read his facial expression to get some hint of how he felt . His thoughts were so scattered . He needed time to figure out how he felt about all this , about Cassie , and about his life . His life was gone now wasn 't it ? His old life , that is . Yesterday he knew that he loved Cassie , though he hadn 't told her yet . He was pretty sure she knew it . They had spent almost every free moment together and right from the start they could talk for hours . It was like they had always known each other . Maybe they had . " Cassie , I need you to tell me about what happened yesterday . I trusted you and walked away knowing people I cared about might be hurt or dead . I did nothing for them and I feel like it was my fault . " Kell , I would never have asked you to leave if there was anything we could have done . " Cassie explained . " I know how important that Center is to you . No one was hurt badly and emergency people were already there . Besides , there was only one person who was supposed to die yesterday . " Kell and Cassie had talked about his dream of making the Community Center into a place that would help everyone who lived in that area . Cassie knew Kell 's heart . She had looked for him for so long and then when the face she had searched for turned out to be this person that she admired she started to feel like she had been given a gift instead of a curse . " There was another face in my dreams . I could never see it clearly but I saw his eyes . Sometimes when I saw your face , I had a feeling he was watching you , too . " Cassie replied . As Cassie spoke , she rubbed her fingers over the back of the picture frame she was holding . It was thick in the middle . She turned it over and eased a fingernail under the brown paper cover . As it peeled off , a letter dropped out and Cassie and Kell stared at each other . What now ? What now ? He 's going along right now but he will have questions and it won 't be long before he expects some answers . I 've got to keep him moving ! " Cassie , wait - where are we going ? What about the people back there ? Shouldn 't we help ? They may be hurt ! " Kell asked , tugging on her hand and dragging his feet . " As a matter of fact I have a few myself . Like how did you know that something would happen this morning ? And why don 't you want me to go back ? Cassie you have to tell me what 's going on . " " And I will - I promise , but we have to go now , Kell . Come on ! " Cassie pulled him further . She glanced at the sky and pulled Kell down a side street . Kell noticed that she kept glancing at the sky from time to time . Sometimes they would change direction after she looked up . " Cassie , wait for what ? What are we here for ? There was a spot in the air directly under the birds where the air looked funny . It kind of shimmered , Kell had never seen anything like it . " Kell , please just trust me a little bit longer ? " Cassie knew Kell might never forgive her but she had to get him to go with her . If he stayed then there would be questions about why he wasn 't at work that morning and how would he explain ? If he lied they would figure it out and suspect that he had something to do with the explosion . If he told the truth ? What truth ? that his girl friend had some kind of premonition ? Then they would want to question her and what could she say ? " well you see officer , I am a time traveler and I had been to the future and came back to save my boyfriends life … . Uh , yea . They would buy that . " Before he knew what was happening it got ice cold and darker than any night he had ever known . He was terrified but in seconds it was getting a little lighter and and the painful cold was backing off . He was dimly aware that Cassie had a death grip on his hand the whole time . He felt her squeeze his hand and realized he had his eyes slammed shut . He tried to open them and felt sick to his stomach . " What the heck was that , Cassie ? " He managed to stammer . It was getting lighter and it looked like they were still in the alley but not precisely the same alley . He looked around with wide eyes . " A portal . That 's what I call it . This didn 't come with a ' How To Travel Through Time For Dummies ' manual . She tried to smile at him but as she watched his expression warily , the smile faltered and then disappeared altogether . Kell was staring at her as though she had completely lost her mind . " Are you telling me we 're in a different time ? I know what you told me but this is … I don 't know , I can 't wrap my mind around it " " Kell , I don 't know how it all works but we 're in the same place - only it will be different because the time is different . If we go to the same place your apartment was you will have somewhere to live here in this time . We need to stay quiet and just try to get there without attracting too much attention until we figure out what this time is . " " Cassie look ! " Kell started to point and Cassie grabbed his hand . " We have to keep going and get off this street . As soon as we are inside we can talk , okay ? Just a little farther ! " Cassie led him down the same street that she had raced down just a little while ago , terrified that he was dead . They got to a door that looked sort of like his and Cassie turned the handle and the door swung open . They stepped inside and closed the door . Kell looked around at what was his home but at the same time wasn 't . Cassie collapsed in a chair and waited for Kell to start talking . She had no idea what he was going to say but she knew he was going to need some time to process . She just hoped that when it was all out and he understood what she had done that they would be able to heal . Would he be able to trust her after this ? " Cassie ? " Kell started quietly . " I need you to back up and start telling me everything . I thought I knew you . I thought we had something special , but this ? I have to slow down ! I 'm trying to understand . How do I get back ? What about our lives ? Cassie looked at him sadly . " I 'm sorry that I lied to you at first . How do you tell someone something like this ? I had to wait til you knew me enough to trust me and then I had to tell you something that could destroy that trust ! I love you Kell . Whatever else has happened , I hope you believe that . " Kell started to answer and as he turned , he saw something on the bookshelves and his mouth flew open . Cassie turned to see what he was staring at as he strode to the shelves and picked up a picture of a young bride and groom . " We got married ? ? " She was so tired . All she wanted was to lay down and sleep but she had to make him understand . " I 'm not joking , I 'm not hallucinating , and if you don 't listen to me , something terrible is going to happen ! Kell put his head in his hands as she spoke and when she stopped , he sat up and looked at her like he 'd never seen her before . What was he going to do now ? He thought they had gotten so close . He 'd never met anyone like her . They had talked for hours about so many things . He couldn 't be so wrong about her . She had explained it badly . It didn 't really matter how she explained it . How could she expect him to believe her ? Time travel didn 't exist right ? Except in her bizarre life it did and the only man she had ever loved was going to die , again , if she didn 't convince him . " I don 't just believe it Kell , I live it ! It 's real . Please " she pleaded . " If I am crazy , what could it hurt ? You call in sick and we wait across the street . If nothing happens then no big deal . I 'm crazy , you 're alive , no harm done . " " No harm done , " he thought . " No harm done . " Crazy or not , maybe she just needed to be trusted . " Okay " , he said . " You win . I 'll call in , but we don 't have to go down there . I trust you . " " I 'm glad you can say that Kell , but if this was reversed , I 'd be thinking you were nuts . I want to prove it to you . You have to see . . " She trailed off , tired , but glad he would be safe for now . Kell saw the shadows under her eyes . He put his arm around her . " You 're beat " he said . " Let 's get some sleep . I 'll do whatever you want in the morning . She lay down and was asleep in minutes . When she woke the next morning , the sun was pouring in the window . She stretched and then realized that she was alone . She sat up in a panic and saw the note on the pillow next to her . She scanned it quickly , jumped up , and hopped around as she jerked on her boots . She flew out the door and down the stairs , almost knocking over old man Clay as she went through the foyer and out to the street . " NO ! NO ! " she cried , sprinting to the next block . Why didn 't he listen ? She thought she had gone back far enough this time to give him a chance to get to know her , to trust her . She crossed the street and lost herself in the crowd but stayed close enough to see . She didn 't want to see , but she couldn 't tear herself away . She was jostled and pushed , not even realizing that she was crying . She felt a hand on her shoulder . She went still . She slowly turned and there he was , white as a sheet . She tried to hug him but he held his hand out to stop her . Cassie reached out and grabbed his hand . " I 'll tell you all of it , but right now we have to get out of here . " She pulled him between the buildings and through the alley . She knew they had to hurry but at least he believed her now . There was hope . Murat11poem : chalk it up October 13 , 2012 Jae RoseWhy June 25 , 2017 ClouducationEvolutionWhy you might want to play Pokemon Go with your kidsAre we promoting Zombie educational practices ? # futurereadySummer to - do listThe 11 ( awful ) life lessons Bill Gates did NOT write . terribleminds : chuck wendigMacro Monday Changes Its Skin ( Bonus Blog Question For Y ' all ) Flash Fiction Challenge : A Five - Word TitleLaura Lam : I Am On So Many Government Watchlists Writers AlleyAdvanced Basics - Street Team Marketing Tips75 Questions to Help You Get to Know Your CharactersFriday Fun on Writer 's Alley - With Lead Editor , Kimberly Duffy KindleObsessedChasing Impossible by Katie McGarry - Release Day Blitz ! July 1 , 2016Series Feature - The Copula Chronicles June 25 , 2016The Secret Language of Stones by M . J . 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This morning , or was it last night ? Can 't be too sure about the time . Let us for the sake of expediency call it the middle of the night , whenever that is . Anyway it was still dark outside . Actually it was dark inside too because I never switched the light on . Which probably explains why I didn 't know what time it was . Oh blimey , got distracted again . Why can 't I stick to the point ? You know , sometimes I wish I had the ability to switch off certain bits of my mind . Then perhaps I would be better able to concentrate on the job in hand . How I managed to get distracted today of all days is an absolute mystery , because my dear friends what happened last night was of such mind blowing importance , that nothing else , and I do mean nothing else , in this world should matter . Let me explain . Oh good , I hear you exclaim , finally , he is going to get to the point . Really now , there is no need for sarcasm ! Please , let me get on . This is so important . I woke up this morning in an extremely heightened state of excitement indeed ! No , not that ! Please ! No , something really exciting happened . Something of , and I don 't say this lightly , worldwide significance . This morning , ladies and gentlemen , I , John Bain , of the tiny parish of Yapton , in the district of Arundel , part of the county of West Sussex , somewhere in England , discovered , wait for it , wait for it , discovered . . . . As I lay there , alone , in my bed , tears filled my eyes , as the realisation dawned , as to what this actually meant . My life would be transformed of course . There would be television interviews . Journalists would besiege my humble abode . People , women mostly , I hoped , would throw themselves at my feet , maybe even into my bed ! No sorry , that is wrong , I 'm getting carried away again . Scientists would write weighty tomes on my discovery . This blog , would take on far greater significance , than it currently does . The statistics page would go into meltdown . I would , it goes without saying , be world famous . Briefly I thought about writing down , what I had discovered . But then , laughing at myself , after all , how was I going to forget something this important . . ? I didn 't bother , and drifted off , back into sleep . Why , oh why , didn 't I write it down ? It has gone . The meaning of life ? Sorry , but I haven 't a clue ! I have let you down . I have let the world down . I am so sorry , truly I am . I shall go back to sleep , that 's what I 'll do . Maybe , just maybe . I 'll be given a second chance ! Isn 't it odd the effect one ill thought out remark from a friend can have ? I am consumed by grumpiness today because of such a remark , and I have determined never to speak to the person who made it , ever again . I mean that . I am so stubborn . Once my mind is made up , that 's it . No way will I change my mind . Never ! Not in a month of Sunday 's . Silly isn 't it ? I know that . I also know that this bad mood will pass as quickly as it arrived . I also know that the person who made the remark , is probably totally unaware of it 's effect on me . But leave me alone , to enjoy my grumpy moment , please . They don 't occur too frequently these days , and I want to wallow in my misery for a while longer . We all do it I would think , make unthinking comments . It is impossible to spend too long thinking before we speak . Blimey ! If we were to mind our P 's and Q 's all the time the art of conversation would surely die . I do it . Used to do it a lot when I was younger . Not so much these days , but I 'm sure it still happens occasionally . As I say , sometimes we are not even aware of it . That 's better ! Got that off my chest . Now I am off to give my friend a hug . She , or he , I 'm not saying , will perhaps wonder why they are being hugged . I shall tell them it 's because I like them . Now you lot , cheer up ! Honestly my mood has lifted . I didn 't mean to bring you down with me . I like you . I really do . I like you a lot . Posted by She , or he , we never did determine the true gender , but thought female , lived with us from her fledgling days . We knew at first not to interfere when we found her and her sibling . Her parents were still around . However when the sibling was killed on the road , and Lucky was injured by an unknown predator , we took her , if you will excuse the unintended pun , under our wing . George , my extremely handsome son , cared for her , until she was old enough to be given her freedom . We wondered if her slightly damaged wing would hinder her from flying , but on the day of release , she took to the sky with ease , and disappeared from our lives . Three days later she reappeared , and never strayed from our boundaries again . In the first few days of her return she was , to be frank , as far as I was concerned , a flipping nuisance . she would without warning fly down and land on my head . Always a shock and painful as she dug her claws into my scalp . I soon discouraged this and she gave me up as a potential roost . George however , had no such qualms and she took to always flying to him . He became the only person she fully trusted . It was a wonderful thing to hear him call to her and watch her fly and land on his outstretched arm . Last year at four years old she reached maturity , and I wondered if the call of the wild would encourage her away . But it never did . Perhaps she knew that due to her damaged wing , and small size , she would not prosper . She mucked in with the chickens most of the time , sharing their food . Sadie , the German Shepherd , and Bonnie the cat , somehow knew that she was part of the family and gave her no grief . Sadie would even tolerate Lucky 's favourite game of sneaking up behind her , pulling her tail , and running away . Remarkable tolerance from Sadie , who does not like crows or magpies being on her territory and chases them away . How she could tell the difference from a distance , always amazed me . We suspect , from the way her feathers had been plucked out , that she was taken by a sparrowhawk . The same sparrowhawk who has cleared the area of collared doves , and takes the occasional blackbird . I have had a busy day constructing my outdoor art gallery . I am using any old bits of timber and materials I have about the place to make it , and as usual when doing work like this I am thoroughly enjoying myself . There are no plans for it except in my head . I am aiming to make it look like a rustic covered way , or something like that , and I shall hang my paintings and other stuff that I make in it . Difficult to describe it really , but when it 's done I shall take photos and show them to you . This evening I made dinner for my extremely handsome son George , because his Mum Tricia was away visiting her Mum in London . I made a shepherds pie . Unfortunately I left too much gravy in the mince , and the mashed potato I put on top was absorbed into it , so it was a bit . . a lot , soggy . Never mind he said he enjoyed it and he had a second helping so I believe he did . After dinner I took him to his football training in town . While he was there I went and saw a lovely couple of people who want a portrait done of their son , and his parrot ! I am looking forward to doing this one . The parrot is brightly coloured and will give me a challenge balancing the bright colours against their sons skin tones . Leaving them , I went back and watched George training . I think both he and I have got over our fears that his recent knee operation would affect his playing . It certainly hasn 't from what I could see , and he looks to be full of confidence on the pitch again . After I had dropped George back at home , I had to go into town again straight away , to play at an open mic night . Which of course I did magnificently ! Well I have to say that , no one else will . I 'm not blowing my own trumpet though , because I play guitar . It was nearly midnight when I got home . It 's a cold night so I had some cornflakes with hot milk . Then I started reading other blogs . Now that I am following quite a few , it takes a bit of time to catch up , and the time is now 1 - 45 am . I had , or have , a tale to tell , but it is late and I am tired . It is quite a complicated story about the time I ran away from foster care at age 13 . So I will leave it now until the next time I am on here . I must apologise for not writing a post this time , but it is very late . Please forgive my laziness . There is always a big kettle of water on too when the fire is alight . The kettle is not the pretty one in the picture , but a much bigger one . It comes in very useful in the winter because I have not yet got around to connecting the propane gas boiler for hot water . Did you notice that I refer to it as her ? This is probably because she gives me comfort and keeps me warm at night . Also as I mentioned earlier she cooks well . But that is a sexist thing to say , so please in order to keep things politically correct , forget I said it . Bloody political correctness ! Where the hell did that spring from ? In my young days we didn 't need it . We just used common courtesy to get by . Sexist , that 's another word that has sprung up from nowhere . When I was a lad we celebrated our differences . Now , well we have to watch everything we say . Sod that ! Oh , don 't get me started ! Sorry about that , I let myself get sidetracked . Where was I ? Oh yes , I was telling you about my lovely stove . My beautiful , sexy , feminine stove , My own iron lady . Whoops here I go again ! She burns wood or coal . In fact she can burn any old rubbish . Not that I would do that , burn rubbish I mean . At least not while anyone is watching . It 's frowned upon you know . Like a heck of a lot of things these days . I found her in the small ads . I had been searching for a suitable wood burner for some time . There were lots of modern ones around , but they lacked character . I had seen a beautiful " Belle Portable " on Ebay but it was priced at £ 4000 ! Another one I saw somewhere was at £ 1500 . There were broken ones and some with bits missing , but they were all out of my price range . In the end I decided that I would have to go for a simple modern one , even if it did look out of place in the wagon . Then one day , feeling sad , lonely , and unloved , I was looking through the small ads in the local paper . I was probably , due to my mood , searching for the woman of my dreams in the lonely heart section . Once again I never found her , but I did spot this : ' old fashioned range for sale . £ 50 ' . Well at 50 quid I thought it must be a modern , probably electric reproduction . I mentioned this to George , my extremely handsome son . I said it wasn 't worth looking at , but he persuaded me that there was no harm in calling the phone number to find out more . So I did . The lady who answered assured me it was a genuine old stove . But I was still sceptical . I mean £ 50 ! Surely it would have been snapped up by now . I 'll cut a long story short . You haven 't got all day . It was a genuine , old , cast iron , ' Belle Portable ' . In perfect working order , and here it is , in my wagon , doing what it was designed to do all those years ago . John went out without me today . So it was quite peaceful around the place . I found a way through the fence , and took myself off for a pleasant amble over the back field . It was nice . The sun was warm on my back and eased my arthritis so much that I forgot I had it . Managed to chase a few rabbits too . I didn 't catch any though , although obviously I could have done if I had really wanted to . Unfortunately , my walk was cut short when the farmer saw me , and called me over . I thought he wanted to say hallo , but he put me in the back of his truck and drove me home . Honestly some people ! They really ought to mind their own business . It turned out all right though , because it wasn 't long before John arrived back . I was sitting by the gate . He assumed , as usual that I had been waiting there patient and loyal all the time he was away , and made a huge fuss of me , telling me what a good girl I am . Even went indoors especially and gave me two biscuits . I hope the farmer doesn 't come back and tell any tales . After he 'd had a cup of tea , John came out to play ball with me . I wish he wouldn 't . It 's OK for him , he 's not the one who has to chase after it . It 's all right if he just does it two or three times , but sometimes he doesn 't know when to stop . He seems to forget that I am getting on a bit now and I like to take things a little bit easy . I wonder how he would like it if he had to chase a ball up and down the paddock a dozen times . He couldn 't do it . He would probably manage to retrieve it once , before sinking to the ground exhausted , and blowing like a beached whale . It 's sad watching him . He just refuses to accept that he is getting older . He can 't run properly any more either , but he won 't admit it to himself . Instead he has adopted a kind of skipping motion with an occasional sideways deviation , which he thinks makes him look like a professional footballer . So embarrassing , but also hilariously funny to watch . It used to be that I would retrieve the ball every time and bring it back to him . It was so lovely to see his little face light up when I dropped the ball at his feet . It gave him such a kick to think that he had trained me to retrieve things . The truth is , that I had actually trained him to give me doggy treats . There was a bit of a respite from the ball throwing , when he discovered that it was making his shoulder ache . He tried throwing it with his left arm , but someone remarked that he looked like a girl , so he stopped that . I did enjoy the break , and thought happily , that his ball throwing days were over . Do you know what he has done ? When he was out today he bought a ball on a rope . He says it is a present for me ! Well I know what he can do with that ! Really he is so thoughtless . Anyway , I chased it a couple of times , just so he didn 't think I was ungrateful about my new present , and then I 'd had enough so I adopted my hangdog expression , and pretended to limp . That always works . I think he felt guilty because he gave me another couple of biscuits . Jimmy is my Mothers latest husband . He is a proper husband . Proper in the sense they they were legally married in the Registrars office . As usual in momentous occasions in Mums life , I was not at the actual ceremony , but I have seen photographic evidence that a marriage occurred , and I also noticed that Mum had a new outfit , and a new hat . Jimmy is a quiet , dour , man of few words , but when he does rise to the bait , the resulting arguments can be quite terrifying . Nothing physical , apart from Mum hurling objects at him , but extremely loud and nasty . I found the arguments so unsettling , that at the age of 14 I once again found myself in care , and resident in a local children 's home . Mum says there is nothing to be nervous about , because Jimmy is in the bedroom . He is definitely dead , and the lid of his coffin is screwed down very tight . There must be a draught coming from somewhere , because shivers keep running up my back . The women were drinking Sherry in little glasses , " Just a very small one for me please Muriel , " and the men were knocking back Jimmy 's best whisky . If he wasn 't already dead Jimmy would have had a heart attack at the measures they were pouring themselves . He liked to be hospitable , not philanthropic . I had never seen a dead body before and was reluctant to look , but Mum said I had to , so that I could properly pay my respects , whatever that meant . The person in the coffin did not look like Jimmy . It looked like a skeleton . Jimmy was a burly ex wrestler . I was not convinced it was him , but everyone else seemed to recognise him . They stood and looked for a few seconds and spoke to each other about what a fine man he had been , and how much he would be missed at the bowls club . Things like that . One woman peered into the coffin and exclaimed , " Oh my word Muriel , he does look well ! " At which several people nodded and murmured agreement . He didn 't though , he looked like a dead man who was very ill . Just before they screwed down the coffin lid , Mum said I should give Jimmy a kiss . I thought it was a weird thing to do , and didn 't want to do it , but I didn 't want to make a fuss about it , so I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead . It was like kissing cold marble . Although why I thought that , I have no idea , having never kissed marble in my life , whether warm or cold . That was the first time I had ever kissed Jimmy , or indeed , shown any affection towards him at all . It wasn 't that I didn 't like him . I didn 't know him . My feelings were quite ambivalent . Besides , men did not show their emotions in those days . It was considered unmanly . It was a long time after his death , that I began to understand his character , as well as the realisation of just how fond of him I had been . It was cancer that got him . He was 64 years old . It had been a tough life . Most of it spent working in the quarry . He was just a few months off retiring . Poor Jimmy . All that hard work and he never even got the gold pocket watch ! I am 64 now . I intend to keep going for some time . I still have things to do . One thing I will be doing , is letting people I like , know that I like them . Another thing I will be doing is , avoiding pointless arguments . Actually make that all arguments . Lastly , and in my opinion very importantly , I shall be making absolutely certain that I have finished every last drop of whisky in the bottle before I go . Do you believe the stats that Blogger shows relating to your posts ? I only ask because I seem to have lost a lot of readers since my short break last month . Before my break I had an average of - don 't laugh please - 109 readers every day . Since my return the average has gone down dramatically . I can 't say what it is now for certain , because I can 't remember where I got the figures from in the first place . But I do know that it is much less than previous . Also my most popular post , the one about the naked man and the woodpecker , had been read , according to the stats , 107 times . Now it seems that it has been read only about 80 times . How did that happen ? Before the break , most of my readers came from here in the UK . Now it seems that hardly anyone in the UK reads my blog . At the same time my American readership has suddenly increased about threefold . This is a nice stat . I love my American readers . While I am here , I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in my blog , and to thank those of you who have become followers . Welcome also to my new followers . You are all very much appreciated , and have added a very nice new interest to my life . Years ago I had a discussion with someone about ghosts . I can 't remember who it was , or where for that matter . Oh all right then , I 'll admit it . It was with a drunk bloke in a pub . It wasn 't really a discussion either . More of a heated argument . In fact he was so blind drunk that he didn 't know what I was talking about . I was only slightly drunk , so naturally I recall the occasion very well . I also remember it so vividly , because when I asked the drunk bloke what he thought of my theory , he said it was a load of , " pretentious old twaddle . " I took exception to this remark , and told him exactly what I thought of him . At which point I was thrown out of the pub . It turned out that he was the landlord . During the course of that learned and thought provoking afternoon drinking session I propounded the theory , that ghosts or spirits , whatever you like to call them , do not exist . That which we think of as ghosts , are , according to the theory I propounded , actually simply memories , or emotions . I used the following reasoning to explain why I thought this . A woman has lived in the same house all her life . When she was a little girl one of her main chores was to go to the well every morning and draw a bucket of water . She had continued to go to the well every day of her life , sometimes two or three times a day , until the very day she died . She had a long life . Let us say for the sake of argument that she reached the age of 95 . Let us suppose that she began going to the well when she was 10 years old . That means 85 years of two trips a day . That makes the number of journeys she made in her entire lifetime , add up to . . . . er . . erm . . 364 x 2 equals . . er . . 728 days . . erm no . . 728 trips a year . That makes 7280 trips in 10 years , times 80 equals . . no times . . no wait . . hold on a minute . . I can do this . . well anyway as I was saying that old woman made an awful lot of trips to the well in her lifetime . Therefore I would suggest , indeed propound , that the memory , or emotions , of the old woman , would still be there , drawing water from the well , for some time after her death . If you had known the old woman , I think it is not unreasonable to suggest , that you would feel her presence so strongly you might even see her there . Further to this , even if you had simply been told about her , you might also have felt or seen her . Particularly if you have an emotional or sensitive nature . Anyway that is my theory . That , as far as I am concerned , goes a long way towards validating the theory which I came up with many years ago . Not bad for a bloke who finished his schooling at the age of eleven . His schooling , but certainly not his education . Apart from maths that is . I never did get to grips with that . I should have written a paper on it all those years ago . I could have been famous . Think of the kudos . Maybe I would have been given an honorary doctorate . Too late now . They 'll say they propounded it . Well , they didn 't . I propounded that theory . Maybe they 'll send me a cheque in the post . What happens when I become enthused with something is that I allow it to take over my life . That 's what has happened here , and I have been working on this project from early morning to late evening . Which is the reason why I have not done a lot of writing lately . Although the writing I have done , is , as usual , to such a high calibre that no one has been left wanting in that respect . Not that I would ever be so immodest as to actually say that . As you know by now , I am a very humble man , and take extraordinary pride in my humility . So I hear you ask , what have I been up to ? Well I hope you are ready for this revelation . I have made . . wait for it . . wait for it . . I have made a gate ! Yes I know . I can hear your brain cells ticking over . Not only is he ever so humble , but he is a genius too . Well it is very kind of you to think about me in those terms , and thank you , but really it was nothing . Anyone could have done it . Provided they possessed the same genius as me that is . But I wouldn 't ever say that of course . I 'm a humble man . Here it is then , the gate . I have just realised that there are actually four gates in one . By the way , that shed you see there is not really a shed . It is actually the main gate . The white picket gate on the left is not really a gate , it is a paint effect known as trompe l ' oeil , which means to deceive the eye . It is painted onto the real side gate , which is also painted to look like what is behind it . I 'm confusing myself here . The yellow door in the middle is real , and also opens . So there you have it , four in one . Here are some more photos . The little milk bottle was found whilst George , my extremely handsome son and I were clearing the ground . I gave it a clean up , filled it with white paint , and made a tin foil cap for it , the bottle is glued to the window sill with aruldite glue , which is very strong . The cap is also glued on . Here is a confession . It has taken me ages trying to get these pictures in the right places on the page . This is the best I can do with them . So you see , I am not really a genius , but I am humble enough to admit my failure in this respect . When I was at the park today I watched a bloke throwing a stick . He was a tall thin bloke . He looked a bit stick - like himself . He had on a . . . You know how I 'm always harping on about never having enough money ? What ? You didn 't know that ? Sorry I thought you did . Anyway I am . . . The last couple of days have been really horrible . Sniff . I have had the worst case of man flu to ever not be documented . Cough , splutter . . . . Bread oven progress today . See the chimney ? I am pleased with that . I made some adobe clay and began rendering inside the dome . Next time I . . . |
This morning , or was it last night ? Can 't be too sure about the time . Let us for the sake of expediency call it the middle of the night , whenever that is . Anyway it was still dark outside . Actually it was dark inside too because I never switched the light on . Which probably explains why I didn 't know what time it was . Oh blimey , got distracted again . Why can 't I stick to the point ? You know , sometimes I wish I had the ability to switch off certain bits of my mind . Then perhaps I would be better able to concentrate on the job in hand . How I managed to get distracted today of all days is an absolute mystery , because my dear friends what happened last night was of such mind blowing importance , that nothing else , and I do mean nothing else , in this world should matter . Let me explain . Oh good , I hear you exclaim , finally , he is going to get to the point . Really now , there is no need for sarcasm ! Please , let me get on . This is so important . I woke up this morning in an extremely heightened state of excitement indeed ! No , not that ! Please ! No , something really exciting happened . Something of , and I don 't say this lightly , worldwide significance . This morning , ladies and gentlemen , I , John Bain , of the tiny parish of Yapton , in the district of Arundel , part of the county of West Sussex , somewhere in England , discovered , wait for it , wait for it , discovered . . . . As I lay there , alone , in my bed , tears filled my eyes , as the realisation dawned , as to what this actually meant . My life would be transformed of course . There would be television interviews . Journalists would besiege my humble abode . People , women mostly , I hoped , would throw themselves at my feet , maybe even into my bed ! No sorry , that is wrong , I 'm getting carried away again . Scientists would write weighty tomes on my discovery . This blog , would take on far greater significance , than it currently does . The statistics page would go into meltdown . I would , it goes without saying , be world famous . Briefly I thought about writing down , what I had discovered . But then , laughing at myself , after all , how was I going to forget something this important . . ? I didn 't bother , and drifted off , back into sleep . Why , oh why , didn 't I write it down ? It has gone . The meaning of life ? Sorry , but I haven 't a clue ! I have let you down . I have let the world down . I am so sorry , truly I am . I shall go back to sleep , that 's what I 'll do . Maybe , just maybe . I 'll be given a second chance ! Isn 't it odd the effect one ill thought out remark from a friend can have ? I am consumed by grumpiness today because of such a remark , and I have determined never to speak to the person who made it , ever again . I mean that . I am so stubborn . Once my mind is made up , that 's it . No way will I change my mind . Never ! Not in a month of Sunday 's . Silly isn 't it ? I know that . I also know that this bad mood will pass as quickly as it arrived . I also know that the person who made the remark , is probably totally unaware of it 's effect on me . But leave me alone , to enjoy my grumpy moment , please . They don 't occur too frequently these days , and I want to wallow in my misery for a while longer . We all do it I would think , make unthinking comments . It is impossible to spend too long thinking before we speak . Blimey ! If we were to mind our P 's and Q 's all the time the art of conversation would surely die . I do it . Used to do it a lot when I was younger . Not so much these days , but I 'm sure it still happens occasionally . As I say , sometimes we are not even aware of it . That 's better ! Got that off my chest . Now I am off to give my friend a hug . She , or he , I 'm not saying , will perhaps wonder why they are being hugged . I shall tell them it 's because I like them . Now you lot , cheer up ! Honestly my mood has lifted . I didn 't mean to bring you down with me . I like you . I really do . I like you a lot . Posted by She , or he , we never did determine the true gender , but thought female , lived with us from her fledgling days . We knew at first not to interfere when we found her and her sibling . Her parents were still around . However when the sibling was killed on the road , and Lucky was injured by an unknown predator , we took her , if you will excuse the unintended pun , under our wing . George , my extremely handsome son , cared for her , until she was old enough to be given her freedom . We wondered if her slightly damaged wing would hinder her from flying , but on the day of release , she took to the sky with ease , and disappeared from our lives . Three days later she reappeared , and never strayed from our boundaries again . In the first few days of her return she was , to be frank , as far as I was concerned , a flipping nuisance . she would without warning fly down and land on my head . Always a shock and painful as she dug her claws into my scalp . I soon discouraged this and she gave me up as a potential roost . George however , had no such qualms and she took to always flying to him . He became the only person she fully trusted . It was a wonderful thing to hear him call to her and watch her fly and land on his outstretched arm . Last year at four years old she reached maturity , and I wondered if the call of the wild would encourage her away . But it never did . Perhaps she knew that due to her damaged wing , and small size , she would not prosper . She mucked in with the chickens most of the time , sharing their food . Sadie , the German Shepherd , and Bonnie the cat , somehow knew that she was part of the family and gave her no grief . Sadie would even tolerate Lucky 's favourite game of sneaking up behind her , pulling her tail , and running away . Remarkable tolerance from Sadie , who does not like crows or magpies being on her territory and chases them away . How she could tell the difference from a distance , always amazed me . We suspect , from the way her feathers had been plucked out , that she was taken by a sparrowhawk . The same sparrowhawk who has cleared the area of collared doves , and takes the occasional blackbird . I have had a busy day constructing my outdoor art gallery . I am using any old bits of timber and materials I have about the place to make it , and as usual when doing work like this I am thoroughly enjoying myself . There are no plans for it except in my head . I am aiming to make it look like a rustic covered way , or something like that , and I shall hang my paintings and other stuff that I make in it . Difficult to describe it really , but when it 's done I shall take photos and show them to you . This evening I made dinner for my extremely handsome son George , because his Mum Tricia was away visiting her Mum in London . I made a shepherds pie . Unfortunately I left too much gravy in the mince , and the mashed potato I put on top was absorbed into it , so it was a bit . . a lot , soggy . Never mind he said he enjoyed it and he had a second helping so I believe he did . After dinner I took him to his football training in town . While he was there I went and saw a lovely couple of people who want a portrait done of their son , and his parrot ! I am looking forward to doing this one . The parrot is brightly coloured and will give me a challenge balancing the bright colours against their sons skin tones . Leaving them , I went back and watched George training . I think both he and I have got over our fears that his recent knee operation would affect his playing . It certainly hasn 't from what I could see , and he looks to be full of confidence on the pitch again . After I had dropped George back at home , I had to go into town again straight away , to play at an open mic night . Which of course I did magnificently ! Well I have to say that , no one else will . I 'm not blowing my own trumpet though , because I play guitar . It was nearly midnight when I got home . It 's a cold night so I had some cornflakes with hot milk . Then I started reading other blogs . Now that I am following quite a few , it takes a bit of time to catch up , and the time is now 1 - 45 am . I had , or have , a tale to tell , but it is late and I am tired . It is quite a complicated story about the time I ran away from foster care at age 13 . So I will leave it now until the next time I am on here . I must apologise for not writing a post this time , but it is very late . Please forgive my laziness . There is always a big kettle of water on too when the fire is alight . The kettle is not the pretty one in the picture , but a much bigger one . It comes in very useful in the winter because I have not yet got around to connecting the propane gas boiler for hot water . Did you notice that I refer to it as her ? This is probably because she gives me comfort and keeps me warm at night . Also as I mentioned earlier she cooks well . But that is a sexist thing to say , so please in order to keep things politically correct , forget I said it . Bloody political correctness ! Where the hell did that spring from ? In my young days we didn 't need it . We just used common courtesy to get by . Sexist , that 's another word that has sprung up from nowhere . When I was a lad we celebrated our differences . Now , well we have to watch everything we say . Sod that ! Oh , don 't get me started ! Sorry about that , I let myself get sidetracked . Where was I ? Oh yes , I was telling you about my lovely stove . My beautiful , sexy , feminine stove , My own iron lady . Whoops here I go again ! She burns wood or coal . In fact she can burn any old rubbish . Not that I would do that , burn rubbish I mean . At least not while anyone is watching . It 's frowned upon you know . Like a heck of a lot of things these days . I found her in the small ads . I had been searching for a suitable wood burner for some time . There were lots of modern ones around , but they lacked character . I had seen a beautiful " Belle Portable " on Ebay but it was priced at £ 4000 ! Another one I saw somewhere was at £ 1500 . There were broken ones and some with bits missing , but they were all out of my price range . In the end I decided that I would have to go for a simple modern one , even if it did look out of place in the wagon . Then one day , feeling sad , lonely , and unloved , I was looking through the small ads in the local paper . I was probably , due to my mood , searching for the woman of my dreams in the lonely heart section . Once again I never found her , but I did spot this : ' old fashioned range for sale . £ 50 ' . Well at 50 quid I thought it must be a modern , probably electric reproduction . I mentioned this to George , my extremely handsome son . I said it wasn 't worth looking at , but he persuaded me that there was no harm in calling the phone number to find out more . So I did . The lady who answered assured me it was a genuine old stove . But I was still sceptical . I mean £ 50 ! Surely it would have been snapped up by now . I 'll cut a long story short . You haven 't got all day . It was a genuine , old , cast iron , ' Belle Portable ' . In perfect working order , and here it is , in my wagon , doing what it was designed to do all those years ago . John went out without me today . So it was quite peaceful around the place . I found a way through the fence , and took myself off for a pleasant amble over the back field . It was nice . The sun was warm on my back and eased my arthritis so much that I forgot I had it . Managed to chase a few rabbits too . I didn 't catch any though , although obviously I could have done if I had really wanted to . Unfortunately , my walk was cut short when the farmer saw me , and called me over . I thought he wanted to say hallo , but he put me in the back of his truck and drove me home . Honestly some people ! They really ought to mind their own business . It turned out all right though , because it wasn 't long before John arrived back . I was sitting by the gate . He assumed , as usual that I had been waiting there patient and loyal all the time he was away , and made a huge fuss of me , telling me what a good girl I am . Even went indoors especially and gave me two biscuits . I hope the farmer doesn 't come back and tell any tales . After he 'd had a cup of tea , John came out to play ball with me . I wish he wouldn 't . It 's OK for him , he 's not the one who has to chase after it . It 's all right if he just does it two or three times , but sometimes he doesn 't know when to stop . He seems to forget that I am getting on a bit now and I like to take things a little bit easy . I wonder how he would like it if he had to chase a ball up and down the paddock a dozen times . He couldn 't do it . He would probably manage to retrieve it once , before sinking to the ground exhausted , and blowing like a beached whale . It 's sad watching him . He just refuses to accept that he is getting older . He can 't run properly any more either , but he won 't admit it to himself . Instead he has adopted a kind of skipping motion with an occasional sideways deviation , which he thinks makes him look like a professional footballer . So embarrassing , but also hilariously funny to watch . It used to be that I would retrieve the ball every time and bring it back to him . It was so lovely to see his little face light up when I dropped the ball at his feet . It gave him such a kick to think that he had trained me to retrieve things . The truth is , that I had actually trained him to give me doggy treats . There was a bit of a respite from the ball throwing , when he discovered that it was making his shoulder ache . He tried throwing it with his left arm , but someone remarked that he looked like a girl , so he stopped that . I did enjoy the break , and thought happily , that his ball throwing days were over . Do you know what he has done ? When he was out today he bought a ball on a rope . He says it is a present for me ! Well I know what he can do with that ! Really he is so thoughtless . Anyway , I chased it a couple of times , just so he didn 't think I was ungrateful about my new present , and then I 'd had enough so I adopted my hangdog expression , and pretended to limp . That always works . I think he felt guilty because he gave me another couple of biscuits . Jimmy is my Mothers latest husband . He is a proper husband . Proper in the sense they they were legally married in the Registrars office . As usual in momentous occasions in Mums life , I was not at the actual ceremony , but I have seen photographic evidence that a marriage occurred , and I also noticed that Mum had a new outfit , and a new hat . Jimmy is a quiet , dour , man of few words , but when he does rise to the bait , the resulting arguments can be quite terrifying . Nothing physical , apart from Mum hurling objects at him , but extremely loud and nasty . I found the arguments so unsettling , that at the age of 14 I once again found myself in care , and resident in a local children 's home . Mum says there is nothing to be nervous about , because Jimmy is in the bedroom . He is definitely dead , and the lid of his coffin is screwed down very tight . There must be a draught coming from somewhere , because shivers keep running up my back . The women were drinking Sherry in little glasses , " Just a very small one for me please Muriel , " and the men were knocking back Jimmy 's best whisky . If he wasn 't already dead Jimmy would have had a heart attack at the measures they were pouring themselves . He liked to be hospitable , not philanthropic . I had never seen a dead body before and was reluctant to look , but Mum said I had to , so that I could properly pay my respects , whatever that meant . The person in the coffin did not look like Jimmy . It looked like a skeleton . Jimmy was a burly ex wrestler . I was not convinced it was him , but everyone else seemed to recognise him . They stood and looked for a few seconds and spoke to each other about what a fine man he had been , and how much he would be missed at the bowls club . Things like that . One woman peered into the coffin and exclaimed , " Oh my word Muriel , he does look well ! " At which several people nodded and murmured agreement . He didn 't though , he looked like a dead man who was very ill . Just before they screwed down the coffin lid , Mum said I should give Jimmy a kiss . I thought it was a weird thing to do , and didn 't want to do it , but I didn 't want to make a fuss about it , so I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead . It was like kissing cold marble . Although why I thought that , I have no idea , having never kissed marble in my life , whether warm or cold . That was the first time I had ever kissed Jimmy , or indeed , shown any affection towards him at all . It wasn 't that I didn 't like him . I didn 't know him . My feelings were quite ambivalent . Besides , men did not show their emotions in those days . It was considered unmanly . It was a long time after his death , that I began to understand his character , as well as the realisation of just how fond of him I had been . It was cancer that got him . He was 64 years old . It had been a tough life . Most of it spent working in the quarry . He was just a few months off retiring . Poor Jimmy . All that hard work and he never even got the gold pocket watch ! I am 64 now . I intend to keep going for some time . I still have things to do . One thing I will be doing , is letting people I like , know that I like them . Another thing I will be doing is , avoiding pointless arguments . Actually make that all arguments . Lastly , and in my opinion very importantly , I shall be making absolutely certain that I have finished every last drop of whisky in the bottle before I go . Do you believe the stats that Blogger shows relating to your posts ? I only ask because I seem to have lost a lot of readers since my short break last month . Before my break I had an average of - don 't laugh please - 109 readers every day . Since my return the average has gone down dramatically . I can 't say what it is now for certain , because I can 't remember where I got the figures from in the first place . But I do know that it is much less than previous . Also my most popular post , the one about the naked man and the woodpecker , had been read , according to the stats , 107 times . Now it seems that it has been read only about 80 times . How did that happen ? Before the break , most of my readers came from here in the UK . Now it seems that hardly anyone in the UK reads my blog . At the same time my American readership has suddenly increased about threefold . This is a nice stat . I love my American readers . While I am here , I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in my blog , and to thank those of you who have become followers . Welcome also to my new followers . You are all very much appreciated , and have added a very nice new interest to my life . Years ago I had a discussion with someone about ghosts . I can 't remember who it was , or where for that matter . Oh all right then , I 'll admit it . It was with a drunk bloke in a pub . It wasn 't really a discussion either . More of a heated argument . In fact he was so blind drunk that he didn 't know what I was talking about . I was only slightly drunk , so naturally I recall the occasion very well . I also remember it so vividly , because when I asked the drunk bloke what he thought of my theory , he said it was a load of , " pretentious old twaddle . " I took exception to this remark , and told him exactly what I thought of him . At which point I was thrown out of the pub . It turned out that he was the landlord . During the course of that learned and thought provoking afternoon drinking session I propounded the theory , that ghosts or spirits , whatever you like to call them , do not exist . That which we think of as ghosts , are , according to the theory I propounded , actually simply memories , or emotions . I used the following reasoning to explain why I thought this . A woman has lived in the same house all her life . When she was a little girl one of her main chores was to go to the well every morning and draw a bucket of water . She had continued to go to the well every day of her life , sometimes two or three times a day , until the very day she died . She had a long life . Let us say for the sake of argument that she reached the age of 95 . Let us suppose that she began going to the well when she was 10 years old . That means 85 years of two trips a day . That makes the number of journeys she made in her entire lifetime , add up to . . . . er . . erm . . 364 x 2 equals . . er . . 728 days . . erm no . . 728 trips a year . That makes 7280 trips in 10 years , times 80 equals . . no times . . no wait . . hold on a minute . . I can do this . . well anyway as I was saying that old woman made an awful lot of trips to the well in her lifetime . Therefore I would suggest , indeed propound , that the memory , or emotions , of the old woman , would still be there , drawing water from the well , for some time after her death . If you had known the old woman , I think it is not unreasonable to suggest , that you would feel her presence so strongly you might even see her there . Further to this , even if you had simply been told about her , you might also have felt or seen her . Particularly if you have an emotional or sensitive nature . Anyway that is my theory . That , as far as I am concerned , goes a long way towards validating the theory which I came up with many years ago . Not bad for a bloke who finished his schooling at the age of eleven . His schooling , but certainly not his education . Apart from maths that is . I never did get to grips with that . I should have written a paper on it all those years ago . I could have been famous . Think of the kudos . Maybe I would have been given an honorary doctorate . Too late now . They 'll say they propounded it . Well , they didn 't . I propounded that theory . Maybe they 'll send me a cheque in the post . What happens when I become enthused with something is that I allow it to take over my life . That 's what has happened here , and I have been working on this project from early morning to late evening . Which is the reason why I have not done a lot of writing lately . Although the writing I have done , is , as usual , to such a high calibre that no one has been left wanting in that respect . Not that I would ever be so immodest as to actually say that . As you know by now , I am a very humble man , and take extraordinary pride in my humility . So I hear you ask , what have I been up to ? Well I hope you are ready for this revelation . I have made . . wait for it . . wait for it . . I have made a gate ! Yes I know . I can hear your brain cells ticking over . Not only is he ever so humble , but he is a genius too . Well it is very kind of you to think about me in those terms , and thank you , but really it was nothing . Anyone could have done it . Provided they possessed the same genius as me that is . But I wouldn 't ever say that of course . I 'm a humble man . Here it is then , the gate . I have just realised that there are actually four gates in one . By the way , that shed you see there is not really a shed . It is actually the main gate . The white picket gate on the left is not really a gate , it is a paint effect known as trompe l ' oeil , which means to deceive the eye . It is painted onto the real side gate , which is also painted to look like what is behind it . I 'm confusing myself here . The yellow door in the middle is real , and also opens . So there you have it , four in one . Here are some more photos . The little milk bottle was found whilst George , my extremely handsome son and I were clearing the ground . I gave it a clean up , filled it with white paint , and made a tin foil cap for it , the bottle is glued to the window sill with aruldite glue , which is very strong . The cap is also glued on . Here is a confession . It has taken me ages trying to get these pictures in the right places on the page . This is the best I can do with them . So you see , I am not really a genius , but I am humble enough to admit my failure in this respect . When I was at the park today I watched a bloke throwing a stick . He was a tall thin bloke . He looked a bit stick - like himself . He had on a . . . You know how I 'm always harping on about never having enough money ? What ? You didn 't know that ? Sorry I thought you did . Anyway I am . . . The last couple of days have been really horrible . Sniff . I have had the worst case of man flu to ever not be documented . Cough , splutter . . . . Bread oven progress today . See the chimney ? I am pleased with that . I made some adobe clay and began rendering inside the dome . Next time I . . . |
♦ Leave a comment The last minute plans were all set . The Mexican restaurant was available to cater on our new date . The baker also had the day open . Our rings came in and were even more gorgeous than we thought they 'd be . My bouquet and Treun 's boutonniere arrived . We had just a few more days until the wedding . I was going over to Treun 's house each evening after work to clean and get things organized for the wedding . I 'd planted new flowers in the back yard . We decided how to set up the patio furniture and where we 'd stand to say our vows . I also decided where to put my computer so that Endellion could join us via Skype since she couldn 't come down for our new date . Everything was set and ready . Then Treun got a text from Melanie . She said that she wasn 't going to come to the wedding because she didn 't feel comfortable being around her brothers if we weren 't going to let her invite all the people she wanted to invite . I knew it hurt Treun even as he was saying it was her choice . He didn 't try to talk her out of it . We decided to have fun on our day and not let Melanie ruin a moment of our happiness . Then , with just two days till the wedding , Liam announced that he wouldn 't be attending either . His girlfriend was about to move out of the state and he said he wanted to spend the day with her . I told him that I really wanted him there but wouldn 't force him . I just wanted him to understand that in ten years he may look back and regret not being there and I wanted to make sure he was ok with that . He told me that Treun and I were moving too fast and that he didn 't think we should get married anyway . I told him that I disagreed with him and that I loved him and he could chose to come to the wedding or not . It was entirely his decision . Again , Treun and I decided to have fun on our day and not let Liam ruin a moment of our happiness . In the dark of night , alone in my bed , I could admit to myself that I was extremely hurt by both of them acting in such an immature and callous way . Neither of them could be the " bigger person " to put their own feelings aside to be there for us because they simply lacked the maturity to do so . It didn 't stop me from feeling very hurt by both of them , both for myself and for Treun . I allowed myself to be sad about it for a very short time then once again focused on the wedding . With two days left , we had most of everything done . I just had some light touching up on the house to do and we had to get the tables put in their places for the food and cake . I 'd found us the perfect cake topper so I was excited to see what the baker came up with for my cake . I told her that I wanted a 12 ″ cake to feed everyone that day , a 10 ″ cake to wrap up to freeze for our one year anniversary , and a dozen cupcakes that were dairy and gluten free to accommodate people with food allergies . I told her my color and told her I 'd be happy with whatever she came up with . ♦ Leave a comment It 's been awhile since the whole Ray Rice thing came out . I 've watched the television reports of what he did to his then girlfriend , now wife , Janay . I 've watched countless newscasters and pundits give their opinion on what happened , what should 've happened , what he should 've done , what she should 've done until I want to scream . A million things started swirling through my head and I sat down and tried to continue watching the game with him . I couldn 't . I couldn 't keep watching . It 's been so long since I 've written that it was shocking to me to feel the need to feel the keys under my fingers . It was jarring to have my brain screaming at me to run to the computer and get it all out because the overwhelming thought in my brain was , " Has my family seen those commercials ? " Then it swirled into , " If they 've watched the commercials , what do they think ? Do they think of me ? Do they wonder if I was telling the truth ? Dotheyregretwhattheydid ? DotheyseriouslythinkBubbaiswonderfulandIwasmakingitallup ? WHATDOTHEYTHINKWHENTHEYSEETHESECOMMERCIALS ? ? ? ? Overwhelmingly the thoughts take over . It 's been three years since I 've spoken to my family yet when things like this happen , I wonder what they think . Then I wonder why I even care what they think of me at all . Why do I still care that they didn 't believe me or my kids ? Why do I still care that they believed Bubba and turned against me ? Why does the sense of betrayal still sting after all this time ? For the most part , I go about my days , taking care of myself , my kids , and Treun . I 'm genuinely happy for the first time in my life . I have life 's ups and downs just like anyone else . My family rarely crosses my thoughts because I 've worked hard to forgive and heal and move on . Yet , when something like this happens , when I see the Ray Rice 's of the world , when I hear another story of another woman being killed by her partner because she finally had the courage to leave , it all comes rushing back . Treun loves to watch the news and likes to share things with me . I 've had to ask him to stop . I 'm woefully uninformed about what is happening in the world around me because I 've had to insulate myself from these types of stories . Any story that talks about a hurt child or hurt woman or abuse or injustice ( basically any news story these days ) my heart hurts so much that it feels like it is going to break inside my chest . I 've become very sensitive to these issues . I 've been a victim and seeing others victimized make my injustice meter go through the roof . Then it brings up the betrayal by my family and how horribly my divorce went and how very thankful I am that Bubba didn 't make me another statistic . At the most dangerous and vulnerable time for me and the kids , the time I walked out of the marriage and was seeking safety , my family helped him instead of me . It still hurts and I don 't know if it will ever be truly healed . ♦ Leave a comment It 's chilly this morning . I got Shane on the bus and sat down to have a cup of tea . As I sat down I realized that there is yet another hole in my sweater . I could feel the tears leap to my eyes . Another hole . More unraveling . Let 's get the sewing kit out and fix it before it gets too bad . I texted Treun , " I am so sad . I keep finding more and more holes to fix . I can 't have this sweater fall apart . " He texted back , " Might be time for a new one . " NO ! Just no . This isn 't any ordinary sweater , you see . This is my big , comfy sweater . This sweater is an 18W and being that I 'm tiny , it envelopes me . It goes down past my knees . But the most important thing about this sweater was that it belonged to my grandmother . It is one of the very few tangibles that I 've kept of my family . My teen years were not fun . I was labeled the " rebel . " I was the one Celia cried over . I was the one who was running wild , according to the majority of my family . I just wanted to be out from under their constraints . I didn 't want to be the perfect child like Jill . I just wanted to be free to be me . Celia and I got along horribly . And my grandmother held it against me until I was in my early 30s . In those final years , I guess we reached a tentative peace . The mentions of my past diminished and what ones happened , I learned to brush off . I made a sort of peace with my grandmother without either of us every speaking a word of it . I learned to value her experience and meet her where she was . I started asking her about my grandfather . He died when I was very young and I don 't remember him . I guess as she got older , I was able to put the stuff she said about me in perspective . She didn 't like how I treated her daughter . She only ever got Celia 's side of the story and never talked to me . I see where she came from , I guess , even if she did hold it against me for over a decade after I grew up . Now she 's gone . She is still alive but her memories , her brain is lost to Alzheimer 's . I had the chance over the summer to go back , to visit her . I knelt down in front of her wheelchair and said , " Hi , Gram . It 's Hope . " and I could see in her eyes that she didn 't remember me . We talked . She told me about her mom because that is what she remembered . She told me about dancing and how much fun she had when she was young . And again , I told her who I was . She said , " Hope . I know her . She 's my …… " I said , " Your granddaugher . I 'm your granddaughter . I 'm Hope . " and she said , " Hope is my granddaughter . I miss her . I haven 't seen her in a long time . " And even though it was fleeting , a wispy memory that she grasped at and couldn 't quite catch , I realized that my grandmother loved me . Those last few years when I thought we 'd reached a tentative truce were not in my imagination . She 'd let it go and we did have something . And now I have her sweater . It is unraveling like my life unraveled . I will continue to fix it and put it back together just like I do with my life . I will view the holes and the fixed holes like I view my life . Not perfect but it is what happens when we live . We fall , we stumble , we get hurt . But we get back up , we patch up the holes , and we go on . We live with the random feels , we cry , we are comforted or we offer comfort . ♦ 1 Comment One of the biggest changes in my life that will happen when I marry Treun is that I will be resigning from my job . Treun makes enough money to support us and he believes that it is better for me to be home with the kids . They went from me having always stayed home with them to me working full - time . I didn 't have a choice as Bubba was never current on his child support payments and was actually , at one point , over $ 9 , 000 behind . I couldn 't rely on him paying child support so I needed to have a stable job to take care of my kids . Treun and I decided that I would quit working at my current job , since they didn 't offer part - time positions , and then I could look for a part - time job . We both felt that it was important for me to be home to be more available to help the children transition to their new home , new schools , and new step - dad . Treun knows how important it is to me to stay active in the work force so I 'll never be in the position I was when I left Bubba . Even though Treun is a good man and I can 't see us divorcing , he knows that I need a safety net . I decided to give my employer three weeks ' notice . There were many changes going on and I thought it would be helpful to them if I gave them that extra week . I sat at my computer and started writing my resignation . I did not see that coming . This is a happy thing . Truly . I guess I would say that it was bittersweet . I 'd worked my way from a temporary job to being a full - time employee and I had really enjoyed my job , my boss , my co - workers ; at least until our jobs started changing . I knew that I wouldn 't enjoy my job once our new roles started . I knew I didn 't want to dedicate even more time away from home when I had the ability to be home more with my kids . Yet still , I cried . I walked into work the next day and asked my boss if I could speak to her . Since our office had been recently remodeled , we had to go into the stairwell for some privacy . When the door closed behind us , she looked at me and said , " Please don 't tell me you 're quitting . " I said I was and handed her my resignation letter . She asked if I was sure and I told her I was . The company wouldn 't let me work part - time and then I let her know that I 'd actually found a new job already . I was going back to the temp agency that had placed me at that job in the first place . When they found out I wanted to go part - time , they snapped me back up . Much to my delight , my old boss had given me everything I 'd wanted . She agreed to my hourly rate , me taking time off when I needed it , being very flexible in my hours . In return I understood that my hours wouldn 't be steady . I knew that around the holidays , I wouldn 't work at all and that was fine with me . It really was the perfect solution . I 'd be home more than I dreamed and I had a crazy amount of flexibility . My boss got a little teary - eyed and gave me a hug . She was happy for me but sad that they 'd be losing me . I knew she valued me as an employee . She 'd always made it clear to me that I was doing an awesome job and had given me the highest rating the company allowed at my last review . Immediately word spread through my office that I 'd be leaving . People weren 't really surprised . They kept asking me if I was going to keep working after I got married and I 'd told them that I hadn 't had any plans to quit . Treun and I tossed the idea around but we hadn 't decided until that weekend that I would definitely quit work the week after the wedding . ♦ 1 Comment It was a month until the wedding and I had jury duty . Really ? The universe just had to throw that at me right then ? Treun and I still couldn 't get the guest list under control . I was so stressed that I was ready to just run away . We 'd seriously started talking about scrapping the whole thing and going to the Justice of the Peace . Melanie was still demanding to bring three people . Liam was acting up more and more . And Bubba was at it again . I had emailed him about our next big visitation and he just didn 't answer me . I had no idea at this point whether or not he was taking his parenting time or if he was going to blow it off . This happens every time we have a big visitation . I 'll email him 6 - 8 weeks ahead of time to hammer down exact dates because I needed to get vacation if the dates fell on week days . Besides that , the kids need to know when they are going to get that big block of time with Bubba . Bubba must not like that I 'm trying to get an answer so he 'll just ignore me . I was at the end of my rope and I told Treun that I wanted to call the whole thing off . He told me that he 'd gladly go to the JoP if that would give me less stress . The only thing he cares about is making me happy . As it turned out , I had to report Tuesday morning , but not until 9 : 30 am . Treun and I decided that he would go into work late so that we could be there at 8 : 00 to get certified copies of our divorce decrees then get our marriage license . While we were waiting for our certified divorce decrees , we decided to move the wedding date … to two weeks sooner than we 'd originally planned . We also decided to only invite our children and his best friend and his fiance and Arcadia and her family . My stress just disappeared . Until I realized that all the personalized things we 'd bought weren 't right anymore , Endellion wouldn 't be able to come to the wedding , I had to make sure the caterer and baker had that date available . I had some work to do but in the end it was better to keep it to only a few people . Jury duty ended up being a really relaxing time for me . I 'd taken a book along and read for about 90 minutes when the clerk came in and told us that we were dismissed . Both people who were on the docket that day had accepted pleas so they didn 't need jurors . ♦ 2 Comments The guest list is where we hit a snag . We 'd decided that we could have 50 people fit comfortably in the house and backyard . I don 't have any family to invite so I thought it would be easy . The thing I wasn 't considering was that with friends and co - workers , I easily went right over my allotted 25 people . I guess we had more figuring on that than we initially thought . It would seem simple . We each get to invite 25 people . Only it didn 't work that way . You see , Melanie is estranged from her brothers due to manipulations of her mother during the divorce . Melanie said that in order to feel comfortable being around her brothers again , she wanted to invite nine people to act as a buffer between her and her brothers . I was floored by this . Treun and I had agreed that each of the older children could invite one person . When Melanie wanted to invite nine , Treun was considering letting her . I told him it wasn 't fair to the rest of the kids who we told could only invite one person each . We 'd already talked about it and decided that if the kids wanted to invite people over to swim after lunch , we were fine with that but for the ceremony and lunch , we had to stick to one guest per kid . Treun and I went around and around about this . He has a huge blind spot where Melanie is concerned . There is a bunch of divorced dad guilt there that he deals with by giving Melanie whatever she wants . Only in this instance we just didn 't have the wiggle room to let her take up that much of our guest list . Our wedding was scheduled for the last day of the month . The items that I ordered were coming in . There were plates and cups , personalized napkins , the invitations . I ordered some decorations . We planned where we 'd put the buffet and the cake . I bought tablecloths for both tables . The guest list was growing and growing . We were well over 50 people and we had to start eliminating people . I had wanted to invite my boss and the other four women in my department . I crossed them off the list and struggled with how to tell them . Treun crossed off work people too . We crossed off people who wanted to fly in from out of town . Treun had talked to Melanie and told her she couldn 't invite nine people . She decided on the three most important friends that she felt she needed with her that day . I 'd already told Serenity that she might not be able to invite someone and she understood that , though Melanie was a few months older than her , she was being a little less mature about this . I don 't know how many tears I cried over the guest list and Treun 's reluctance to put his foot down with Melanie . This was our wedding . We got to say who did and didn 't get an invite . I couldn 't get him to understand that inviting people to someone else 's wedding is rude . You just don 't do that kind of thing . To combat the stress , I decided to remodel the powder room . I told Treun that for one weekend we weren 't going to do anything wedding related . I didn 't want people coming into the house for our wedding and see peeling wallpaper in the powder room . He agreed . We found a gorgeous vanity at Home Depot and ordered it since it was only available online . It would be in before the next weekend so we 'd take a few days to make it beautiful . We worked well together in the powder room . I did the bulk of the wall paper removal . It is something I enjoy because I really hate wall paper . It felt good to get all my frustrations about the guest list out on ripping down the ugly paper . Once I figured out a method to get it down , it was a breeze . The pedestal sink was easy to remove . There were some holes and dings that I had to spackle . Once it dried , I sanded the walls . We were ready to paint . We 'd picked a nice shade of light green . I bought lavender spray paint to paint the white shelf that had been in there . It took us the majority of Saturday to do all of that . I 'd been ripping the wallpaper down in the evenings after work so by Saturday afternoon we just needed to wait for the walls and shelf to dry . The vanity would be installed on Sunday . I 'm amazed at how easily Treun and I worked together . There was no stress at all during this small project . We work instinctively together and rarely get in each other 's way . It 's almost like we 're participating in a well choreographed dance . We had to cut holes in the back of the vanity for the pipes . We had to install the new faucet on the sink . We had to put everything together . It took quite a few hours to do it but we got it done . I remembered that a friend of mine had made me a rag rug that I thought might work well in the room . I brought it over to Treun 's house once the powder room was complete and to our great surprise , a rug that had been made five years previously matched the colors in the room perfectly . We had a gorgeous new powder room to show off to our guests . ♦ 3 Comments We 've decided to get married in two months . It 's going to be an extremely short engagement so we need to get moving on all the planning . Once we picked our date things started happening quickly . Treun is so easy to work with . I found a website where I can custom make our invitations . We 've decided to get married at his our house and to only invite 50 people . Ever the frugal person , I 'm finding ways to save money and still have a small , intimate wedding that we 'll be happy with . The website I found offers all types of personalized items for reasonable prices . I finally got to show Treun my secret board on Pinterest . When he first gave me the engagement ring , I was floored that it was exactly what I wanted . I asked him if he 'd talked to Arcadia about it . He said no . I asked if he 'd talked to Endellion about it . Again , he said no . I asked him how he knew what ring to get for me . He told me he saw it and it just looked like me . I told him it was exactly what I wanted and when he looked skeptical , I pulled up the secret board and showed him the collection of rings I 'd pinned that had been almost exactly what he bought for me with only slight variations . I showed him the rest of the things I 'd pinned and one had been wedding bands . I wanted tri - color . Treun didn 't like the few I 'd pinned and had really never seen tri - color rings before . I told him it meant so much to me to have tri - color because I see the three colors as representing what we were doing . It would represent my family , his family , and the family we were creating together , all woven together . He fell in love with the idea so I just had to find rings that we both liked . That took me a few days . I finally found a website that had our perfect rings . They were a bit pricier than I would 've liked but they were custom made for us . I emailed the site to ask if they could do what we wanted and if so , how much would it cost and how long would it take . I heard back from them the next day that it would take 6 weeks and how much it would cost . After I got over the sticker shock , I told Treun about it . We 'd be cutting it close on the timeline and the cost didn 't even phase him . He said that was actually a good price and that we should go for it . We 'd gotten our fingers sized a few days before , so I immediately placed the order and told the man I 'd been emailing our wedding date . He said he 'd do everything he could to get the rings to me before our wedding . Months ago , I found the perfect dress and pinned it . I went to order it and , much to my dismay , found that it was out of stock with no expected in - stock date . I called the company . They weren 't able to help . I had to find a new dress . I was heart - broken . Arcadia and I took a day to go shopping at all the bridal shops and department stores . I didn 't find anything I liked . I started looking on Amazon . I found a couple of dresses that were similar so I bought them . I figured I 'd try them on and return the one I didn 't like . Once I picked one , I took it to the store so that I could get a bra to wear with it since I didn 't own any strapless bras and the dress had spaghetti straps . My bra lady found me a bra and when I put it on with the dress , I told her that was as good as it was going to get because I wasn 't enthused about the dress . She looked at me and thought for a moment . Then she exclaimed , " I have an idea ! Don 't move ! I 'll be back in five minutes ! " She took off before I could say anything . Five minutes later she was back with two dresses . I looked at both of them and told her that I didn 't like either of them . She told me to trust her and just try them on . The first one fit like a dream but I really didn 't like the style . I wasn 't hopeful trying on the second one because of the way it was made but I like my bra lady so I decided to humor her . I put it on and nearly cried . It was my dress ! It fit like a glove and it was perfect for my wedding . The best part about it is the bra she brought back to wear with the dress was on sale for 99 ¢ ! It was $ 50 bra and I just happened to be there when they were getting rid of the last of the last of last year 's styles . I found my bouquet on Etsy . I don 't like cut flowers so I was looking for something different to do for a bouquet and for Treun 's boutonneire . I looked at paper flowers and foam flowers . Nothing was really striking me . I decided to once again turn to Pinterest . There I found examples of button bouquets ! Eureka ! That was what I wanted . I turned to Etsy and started sifting through all the button bouquets . I wanted white since I 'd be wearing a darkly colored dress . After going through pages and pages of bouquets , I found one ! It even had a matching boutonneire ! I emailed the crafter and asked how long it would take to have it shipped to me since she was in another country and how much it would be . Once she answered , I ordered it . I didn 't tell Treun about it . I wanted to surprise him . We were moving along quite nicely . All we really had left to do was wait until all the packages arrived and work on our guest list . I didn 't know the amount of drama I was about to enter . ♦ 1 Comment Treun asked us out to dinner . It was a particularly busy week at work and by Thursday , I didn 't want to go home and cook . We 'd been texting during the day and he asked me if the kids and I just wanted to go out to eat . I really didn 't think anything of it since we 'd been having dinner together a couple of times a week . Usually , I 'd have something in the crock pot that I would run home and get along with the kids before heading to his house to eat . I hadn 't thrown anything in the crock pot that morning and was trying to figure out what to make that night . I always planned meals ahead so that I could grocery shop just once a week and by Thursday , I was down to my last two choices of the week . Neither thing I 'd planned for that night sounded appealing , so his solution to take us out sounded like a good one . After work , I ran home and got the kids . We went over to Treun 's house and the kids decided to wait in the car while I ran in and told Treun we were there . Shane decided half - way to Treun 's house that he was thirsty so he came in with me . I walked in and hollered for Treun while Shane ran to the kitchen to get some water . Treun walked out of his bedroom , gave me a kiss , then took my hand to lead me to the bedroom . " What on earth are you doing ? The kids are in the car and Shane is in the kitchen . We can 't go into the bedroom ! ! ! ! ! " I was beside myself thinking he was going to try something . This was totally out of character for Treun . He stopped in front of his dresser , opened a drawer , and pulled out a box . He opened the box to reveal a beautiful ring . It wasn 't a diamond so I was wondering what he was doing . He took the ring out of the box , took my left hand , put it one my ring finger , hugged me , and started talking on and on about our wedding and our future . Then he kissed me . I looked him in the eye and said , " Uh , honey ? Are you ever going to actually ask me ? " He looked at me non - plussed for a moment . Then he grinned and said , " Will you marry me ? " I laughed and said I would . Ever practical Treun had just skimmed over the asking and started planning . Oh , how I love that man ! I told him that I wasn 't going to say anything to the kids until they noticed the ring . The only jewelry I wear consists of my small hoop earrings and a necklace . I haven 't worn a ring since I made the decision to divorce Bubba . We got to our table at the restaurant and sat around talking . I couldn 't believe the kids hadn 't noticed my ring and after about 15 minutes couldn 't take it anymore and held my hand up and asked them if they noticed anything different . Serenity announced that she noticed it as soon as I got in the car . She was just waiting for me to say something . Serenity and Shane are excited . Liam just isn 't as excited as the other two . He did give us his blessing and that meant so much to me . He still continues to try to avoid us as much as possible and just wants to do his own thing . I 'm not pushing him because I think he 'll come around eventually . Treun : So , I 've told everyone except Melanie about our plans . I 've told my folks and both of my sons . I haven 't told Melanie yet because she 'll be the most sensitive about it . Interesting conversation . He 's back from his business trip . He spent a lot of time with his folks and apparently he told them all about everything . He has a close relationship with them and considers his dad one of his closest friends . He 's told his sons but not his daughter . I wonder how she 'll react . I guess he 'll tell her eventually . We 've come a long way . A few months ago I doubted that he 'd ever want to marry me and now we 're trying to decide when would be best to make it official . Only it is very hard to do that when he hasn 't even asked me yet ! I don 't know what he 's waiting for . I think maybe he wanted to tell his parents before he asked me . He 's been home for a couple of days and he just told me he 's told everyone except Melanie . He has a plan . One thing I 've learned about Treun is that he is a planner . He knows exactly when he 's going to ask me and make it official , he just hasn 't let me in on the plan yet . So while I wait for him to ask me to marry him , we continue on making plans for once we 're married . The one thing that struck me about this is that most couples make such a hoopla about the wedding and don 't put much thought into the marriage that results from that wedding . I was guilty of it with Bubba . Our focus was on the party but we really didn 't discuss how things would run when we were actually married . I 'd like to think that some of his crazy might 've showed if we 'd talked about things before the wedding . This time around is different . The wedding itself is almost an afterthought - just something we have to get through . We 're talking about the future . He 's shown me his finances , I know what he has coming in and going out . I know what his financial responsibilities are . He knows mine . We 've discussed parenting and what his role is in regards to my kids . We talk about things that matter from our views and beliefs to conflict resolution and what to do when we don 't agree . I 'd been making plans with Treun 's daughter - in - law to throw him a surprise party . Well , he 'll be gone that day so the party is off . I 'm rather bummed about it but I realize that he doesn 't have any control over these things . When his boss wants to see him , he goes . Treun is leaving bright and early Sunday morning for his trip . I asked him if I could have a playdate at his house later that day . He pulled me into his arms and said , " Hope , you are welcome to be here and have guests any time you want . That is why I gave you a key . " Then we took the kids around the house and outlined all the changes we are going to make when we get married and move in . Treun and I have discussed a ton of changes we want to make . We 're preparing for me and the kids to move in , yet we 've not actually discussed the wedding . That is a rather nebulous idea at the moment . We are going to move in . We just don 't know when . I think the major complicating factor now holding us back is Bubba . I 'm trying to figure out how to do this without Bubba getting angry and taking it out on the kids . Our parenting plan states that we need to give the other one 30 days ' notice for a move . If we get married before the kids leave for the summer , Bubba will have a month to get a good lather going before the boys get there . If we get married when the kids come home , then I have to notify Bubba while the boys are there . If we could decide what has the least risk to the kids , we 'd know how to proceed . We 'll figure it out . While we were showing the kids all the changes we planned to make , I mentioned that I really wanted the wallpaper in the powder room gone and each time I went in there the urge to start pulling it down was overwhelming . I told him that I might not be able to restrain myself while he was gone . He just grinned at me and told me that if I wanted to get started , I was welcome to . He finally left on his trip and I behaved myself all week . I pilfered a pillow and one of his t - shirts to sleep with while he was gone . It helps me not miss him as much . We had our play date at his house and had so much fun . I went back the next day to clean up . I did the last load of laundry he left in the hamper when he left . Then I waited for him to come home to me . |
He felt something prodding his ribs . Then he felt cold . And pain . Lots of pain . The floor was cold . His face was on the floor . There was a sound , very weak , as if it came from far away . The pain was waning . The sound became clearer , it didn 't seem so far anymore , it was a voice . " Are you alive ? Are you . . . are you one of them ? " it asked . He opened his eyes . Closed them again . They hurt . He tried to open them a few more times , until he managed to . He was in darkness . No , he was in dim light , his eyes were getting used to the light . There was another man near him , wearing shirt made of cheap pli - nex , coloured pink with some green flowers . The man was a rather ugly and old , and gazed at him with his very light blue eyes . The man was holding a gun . A 687 - EC electrical current discharger . He was not sure how he knew that . Because he knew little more . " Wh - what happened ? Who 're you ? What happened to the lights ? . . . where are we ? " the questions came , one after the other , slow at first . But increasingly faster . The other man shook his head , slowly . He sat on the ground , his face buried in his hands . After a moment of silence , he started talking . " You too ? It seems they got us all . Dammit , I thought that the security guards would be immune somehow . I haven 't seen many of them . . . I thought they were fighting it ! Dammit ! You remember something ? Anything ? Where is the communicator , maybe ? " during his speech , the man 's face went from hopelessness to anger , then to curiosity , and then to hope . " I - I . . . I think I remember my name , it 's . . . Galgreen . And . . . and I know that this is a 687 - EC electrical current discharger . . . Where are we ? " Galgreen managed to get up and sat beside the old man . He noticed that he was wearing a brown jacket over a black T - shirt , 08 was written in white , big lettering on his jacket . And below it , it was written " Security " . The man offered his hand for Galgreen to shake , it was accepted eagerly , but its grip was a little stronger than Galgreen anticipated . The man breathed , and said " I am Julius . We are in some kind of secret military base orbiting a planet . Something happened , I 'm not sure , I don 't remember , but some aliens have entered the base , they cut off the power and made us forget somehow . They 're hunting us . One by one and they . . . get inside ! Quickly ! " the last bit was said in a whisper , as Julius dragged Galgreen inside a nearby door that , Galgreen quickly realized , was the source of the dim light . There was a window on the room 's wall , and Julius was looking through it . Galgreen went there and tried to follow the old man 's gaze . There was a cluster of small green globes , high above the floor . Very high . Slowly they went on , almost flying , up and down . After several seconds , the . . . eyes went around another corner . " These are one - way mirrors , they can 't see us . Their eyes are the only thing I 've ever managed to see , since it 's pitch black out there . Only the rooms have some emergency power left . But Klauser told me she saw their bodies as they entered a room she tried to hide in . Big and deformed . Their arms were almost two meters in length . With claws . They are huge , and Klauser told me the one she saw was covered in blood . We are lucky their eyes are so bright . It is the only way we know they are coming around the corner . " " Yes , she was with me , but . . . they got her already . I thought she was dead at first , but she wasn 't . She got back , after one day . . . or two . . . I 'm not sure . I never know how many days have passed , it 's always dark in this Goddammed place , " the old man was visibly anxious to get out of that room as quickly as possible . " She wasn 't the same . She tried to fool me , but she was different . She acted weird . And her eyes were green now , and they were brown before . I - It 's not natural . They got to her somehow . Possessed her . " Julius was wide - eyed and spoke quickly . Galgreen was worried that the man could have been driven mad from the stress , " We can 't stay here for too long . . . " " You said you were without memory too . . . how do you know we are at a military base ? " Galgreen asked . Maybe they could find a map in wherever he got the information . " The briefing . I 'll show you , but please , keep quiet . It 's safe there , it 's very deep . And the lock is not electronic , " the man said , and pulled Galgreen 's arm as he started walking . They left the room and were back into the darkness . It was very hard to walk in the pitch black twisting corridors of wherever they were in . They had to keep close to the walls , both to make sure they didn 't lose any exits to the right or left and because they needed to stay close to the rooms in case the eyes came back . Julius ' method of navigation consisted in entering the rooms and reading their name and number , that was written on the inner side of the door . Galgreen saw three types of room , " staff " , " administration " and " security " . It was a poor method . Every once in a while , they had to come back because he made a wrong turn and only discovered it a few blocks too late . In one of these detours , Galgreen was surprised to hear a buzzing sound coming from seemingly all directions , it was quiet enough to be near - imperceptible , but loud enough to be impossible to miss . He tried to find the source of the sound , perhaps a working machinery , when he shoved into one of the rooms and dragged away from the door . He was about to ask what the hell was happening , when Julius forcefully silenced him , putting his hand over Galgreen 's mouth . " Are you insane ? That 's their sound , stay put . " Galgreene was surprised . He hadn 't heard the sound last time the eyes were nearby . Perhaps he hadn 't fully awoken from his slumber at the time . He got up , and , silently , went to the window , in part because the unseen monsters still sparked his curiosity , and in part , though he didn 't want to admit it , to prove to himself that there was no reason to doubt Julius . But there they were . The eyes , in their seemingly aimless wanderings through the darkened corridors . What could possibly be their goal ? Just to go around killing every human they see ? It made no sense . The eyes slowly went on , oblivious to Galgreen , and turned around a corner . Julius pulled his arm again , gesturing for them to go , " It 's never a good idea to stay in one place . " From then on , Galgreen walked much more slowly and looked around at all times , prepared to enter a room at the first sign of a green hue to the darkness around them . He still remembered the way Julius shoved him into the room , and didn 't want a repeat . The terrors that he experienced must have been indeed great for him to act like that . He couldn 't still forget about Klauser . . . she had been " possessed " according to Julius , but what happened to her ? Why weren 't they together ? " You killed Klauser , didn 't you ? " " It wasn 't her . Not anymore . They killed her and took her body somehow . I only killed the thing inside her , " he spoke with conviction , and Galgreen was in no position to disbelieve him . " I thought the 687 - EC wasn 't a lethal weapon , " was Galgreen 's only answer . " Not when overloaded . I 'm kinda good with electrical things , I discovered when I tinkered with it . But it did survive much more than I expected , full thirteen seconds , " Galgreen guessed that " it " was Klauser , " I guess that even when in humans they are stronger than any of us . " They remained silent the rest of the way . Three more times they saw the eyes , and in one of them , they were dangerously close . In all of them Galgreen heard the sound , and his trust in Julius grew even stronger . After what seemed to be hours , they finally reached a short hallway with no doors , and , at the end of it , an open doorway , in which they entered . After they crossed the doorway , Julius stopped and turned around . He slowly closed the metallic door , trying to do the least sound as possible . After he was done he put his right hand in the various pockets of his clothes , one after the other , searching for something . Seconds later , a metallic thing was held by his hands , a silvery key , that he inserted into a keyhole on the door and slowly rotated it . Galgreen remained silent as Julius led him up some steps , sixteen , Galgreen counted . There was another door , that Julius also locked once they had went under the door way . They turned left on a corner , and , on the next second , they were in a completely different place from where they came from . There weren 't any cramped hallways , but plenty of open space , and the ceiling was much higher . There were some dim lamps on the floor to illuminate paths , and a luminous sign , trying to glow , bathed the darkness around it in a red hue . The sign read : " Drink Bar " " I think this some kind of living quarters , or maybe a recreation facility , we found an electrical generator here with a bit of combustible left . Klauser and I dragged it into an armoury , there 's a screen there , that plays a recorded message . You 'll see , " while he talked he gestured toward one of the doors , in which the light was much clearer than the others . Galgreen didn 't wait for him . He just barged inside the room , to see it with his own eyes . There were three racks with rifles on the wall , though he didn 't know what kind of rifles they were . On the wall to his left there was a screen , turned off , but the blue light glowing below it made it clear it was operational . An emergency generator was humming , connected to socket nearby . " I left the generator working in hopes someone would send another message to the station while I was out looking for more survivors . But no other came , it seems . Maybe they don 't know we were attacked , " Julius explained . Galgreen couldn 't care less , and intimately , wished the other man would stop and play the message already . His unsaid wishes were quickly fulfilled , as Julius pressed the left side of the screen . The face of a man appeared on the screen . He was wearing a black and grey uniform and an eyepatch , he had an air of superiority around him , and a stern look on his face , " Salutations , soldier ! Our greatest fears have come to fruition , as you know , an unidentified alien race has invaded and conquered Earth , exterminating almost the entirety of the human race . We have lost contact with other colonies , and it seems a large alien ship is nearing our base , orbiting Varneus . In this room , there are new models of rifles developed by our scientists as the only means to fight this alien menace , " the image froze at this point , and only went on three seconds later , but the quality was horrible , with constant white noise in the audio and freezes in the video . " The rifles are very zzt to use , Zzztply position you finger on the sensor on the upper side , and a zzzzzttt will turn on below the barrel . This means the zztle is activated . Then pull the trigger , located on zzzzztt . Remember , the aliens cannot survive in our environment without their life - support systems , located in their chests . Shooting on it is the only way to scozzzttt , " and only silence followed . The message was seemingly irreversibly damaged in the initial attack . " They don 't work . The light goes on , but they don 't do anything when I pull the trigger . The light just blinks for a second or two , so I guess we 're lacking ammo , " was Julius ' answer . Galgreen decided to check the rifles nonetheless , but all he managed to do was to prove that Julius was speaking the truth . There was a large door nearby , and Galgreen moved to open it . " Don 't do th . . . " Julius started to say , but it was too late . Galgreen opened the door one second before his mind registered the objection , and when it did , he already had a good idea of what he would find inside . The room was large , but there were metallic bars dividing it , one side much larger than the other . It looked like a shooting range . And , lying on the floor , in a strange position , and exhaling the horrible stench of burnt flesh , there was the body of a woman . Galgreen was disgusted . He knew Julius had killed her , but to leave her body on the floor like that ? Though , of course , there wasn 't much else that could be done . Galgreen approached the body and examined it with morbid fascination . Momentarily oblivious to the horrible odour that permeated the room , Galgreen examined the woman . She was at most nineteen , her hair was dyed purple and her nose was pierced . Her eyes were still open , and they were indeed green . Very light green . " Well , I thought it 'd be better for you to not see this . . . she only remembered her family when she woke up . Well , actually , when she woke up , she said she was the daughter of the President , and fiercely defended that until for an entire day . She did love a good lie , the poor thing . Later , she admitted she wasn 't , and she managed to describe her family to me , so I hoped her memories weren 't as damaged as mine . But that was all she remembered . I found her inside this very same room , actually . It pained me to do what I did , but she was already lost . " " How do you know ? You only said her eyes were green , and that she acted weird . How weird ? " Julius ' slowly lifted his gaze from the girl 's face to Galgreen 's , a look annoyance and pain on his face . " You don 't believe me , do you ? Do you think I wanted to do what I did ? I struggled against the decision for hours , but the signs were just too obvious for someone that spent as much time with her as I did . Her eyes didn 't simply change colour , they changed . The way she looked , it was calculating and cold . The way she walked was more stiff , her voice , her accent and her tone , they were completely different . She spoke as someone that was just learnt a second language , very slowly , carefully enunciating every word . I actually remember the first thing she said when she came back , ' Hello , sir . We see each other again after all this time . Are you happy to see me ? ' " at this point , Julius chuckled for no apparent reason . " Gosh . . . " Galgreen 's thoughts on the matter were not very clearly transmitted by that word , thought it seemed to suffice for Julius . Perhaps it was better this way , for Galgreen 's thoughts were conflicting . On one hand he agreed that if what Julius said was true , then there was no reason to doubt him . But on the other , all this time in the darkness may have taken its toll on his mind . And even now he didn 't sound completely sane . Suddenly , Galgreen noticed the smell coming from the corpse , and ran out of the room , gripping his nostrils with his hands . Julius followed him . He leaned on the wall and fought the vomit that he felt on his throat . Breathing hard , he said : " The bar . You probably saw it when we entered this floor . They have a food compartment there , but without refrigeration , it won 't last much longer . You should eat something , and then we should sleep . When we wake up , we should see if in the lower floors we find something we can use to send a message to the planet . Oh , and don 't be surprised if more of your memories come back in time . I remember something new every day . " That 's what they did , after a rich meal ( Galgreen felt he hadn 't eaten in days ) they went back to the room with the screen to sleep . Galgreen didn 't dream , and woke up still tired . Julius was nowhere to be seen . Galgreen quickly got up from the floor , suddenly apprehensive . " Julius ! Julius ! Where are you man ! ? " he yelled , but there was no answer . The lights were even dimmer than they were when he went to sleep . It seemed the emergency power supplies were slowly being used up . Where was Julius ? " He is probably exploring the lower levels , " Galgreen thought . Because Julius certainly couldn 't have disappeared , because Julius had said that Klauser " got back " , which means she was gone for a time . The same certainly couldn 't have happened to Julius . It was impossible . Galgreen saw something metallic softly glinting on the floor , with the back of his eye . He took the 687 - EC electrical current discharger and put it in his pocket , as he already had one in his holster . What was he going to do now ? Julius left him alone . He had no idea how to navigate the lower levels , and he couldn 't just stay up here . Julius was clearly not in his right mind , and if he came back . . . when he came back he would probably be as suspicious of Galgreen as he was about Klauser . Galgreen wasn 't so sure how much of what Julius said about Klauser was real and how much was his imagination . Maybe everything . There was no hard evidence that the monsters could somehow possess humans . And there was much evidence that Julius was under lots of stress . Galgreen need to go to the lower levels and see if he found more people . According to Julius , he only woke up about four days after Julius did . So it was possible that the lower he went , the more people he would find that were still unconscious . And he could find Julius and reassure him that he wasn 't one of . . . them . If Julius was still alive . Galgreen took his EC from its holster and gripped it firmly in his hands . Maybe he could even find some soldiers that were fighting the aliens , or ammo for the rifle . He paused . Something was off , but he couldn 't quite grasp what . He looked at the rifle rack once again , for a long time . Then it hit him . If he was in a military space base , then it was normally full of soldiers . Why did they need security guards ? And Julius . . . he was wearing flowery clothes , it was by no means a military uniform . And Klauser , she was with her family . . . He took one of the rifles , that he still couldn 't identify , and searched its entire surface . He soon found what he was looking for , there was a compartment on the butt stock . With only little use of strength , Galgreen managed to open it . Inside , there were batteries . And they weren 't special weapon - grade batteries used in electricity based weapons . They were common household batteries . The eye patch on the person on the screen , the recreational upper levels and administrative lower levels , it all made sense . He wasn 't in a military base , he was in a . . . some kind of vacation spot . But the monsters . . . He had only seen the eyes , and Julius was clearly mad , then perhaps the eyes were his trickery , playing with him before killing him . It made sense . One more reason for him to leave this place . He thought of that as he left the room . The door for the lower levels was closed , but unlocked . One more clue pointing out that not even Julius believed this nonsense . He had to leave this place , right now , he thought , as he entered the darkness of the lower levels . His pace slowed down considerably . He walked slowly , staying close to the wall . He couldn 't see even in front of his own nose Then again , he thought , If everything was a product of a ride and a highly impressionable madman 's mind . . . where were other people ? Where were Klauser 's parents , where were the other security guards . . . why didn 't he remember a thing ? While he thought that , he looked around , searching for any movement . Julius was unarmed , but he could still do something if he took Galgreen by surprise . And the lights ? Did Julius turn them off ? Then why did the emergency supplies engage ? Maybe he blew it up . But how did he pass the security guards ? . . . where were the security guards ? Galgreen thought he heard a sound and entered quickly one room , " I know it 's you Julius ! Show yourself ! We 'll get out of here together ! " he yelled . But there was no answer . And nothing appeared , neither Julius nor the eyes . When he turned out to leave , he saw words written on the wall , illuminated by the faint light , it was an arrow , and below it , it was written " Space Lock " . Space lock ? It made no sense , so they were in space ? No , it was probably how they pointed to the exit without breaking the atmosphere , so important to vacation spots . He followed the arrows to see with his own eyes , oblivious to any worries about the speed with which he walked , and the noise that echoed throughout the corridor . But then , over his steps , he heard another sound . The buzzing . He turned around and the darkness was softly coloured green , " Julius ! Stop that ! You don 't need to do this ! " but the green eyes continued to go toward him . He pulled the electrical dischargers and aimed them at the bright green eyes . The buzzing was becoming stronger . " Really Julius ! You need help ! Come with me ! They have places for people like you outside ! " The eyes kept moving toward him , buzzing . He knew they were only trickery . A ploy by Julius to distract and put fear in the people he walked with , before killing them . But they were still walking toward him . Still inexorably moving closer to him . He stepped back , but quickly chastised himself for it . It was what Julius wanted . And he couldn 't give Julius what he wanted , he needed to keep his eyes and ears aware of his surroundings ( the sound grew louder and louder ) . The eyes were so close that he could see his gun , with a green tint . He ran away , as fast as he could . But as he ran , the eyes followed . He ran quickly , and accidentally dropped his weapon . He ran in the direction of the space lock , whatever it was , either an exit or a dead - end , but he sorely hoped it was the former . He ran and ran , but whenever he looked back , the eyes didn 't seem any farther . He could already imagine the green clawed monsters to whom those belonged . And he could already imagine they rending his flesh and tearing his limbs apart . Or capturing him and taking him to wherever they took the others , and Julius . Oh , Julius , why didn 't he trust the old man ! ? He fled , he tried to run faster , but he couldn 't outrun the buzzing . The creatures were fast , and high , but they made no sound as they ran . Finally , he could see a light very far in front of him . Two bars of very dim light , one very high and another very low . He ran , his hope burning fiercely , but extinguished quickly when he noticed that the lights illuminated a closed hatch . It turned out the space lock was a space lock indeed . Still he ran , and ran , perhaps somewhere in his primal mind dominated by fear there was the thought that he would go through the hatch to salvation . It didn 't happen , because the hatch was opened when he was about seven seconds from it , and people in suits and helmets with internal lights exited it , holding XXC - 897 fused - benilium blasters . He ran as fast as he could and crouched for protection behind them . The eyes kept coming , and the people in suits did not aim their guns at them . The bright green eyes reached the light and started flying around the suits . One of them even landed on one of the helmets , which prompted the owner to try to squash it , cursing , " Dammed fireflies ! The director of the station really liked them , huh ? How come they 're still alive ? " the little green lights , scared , flew back into the darkness . The voice of a woman was heard answering , " I guess they found some food . Now let 's look for those missing . We found one of them , it seems . Only two to go , " and one of the suits started to walk away , the others soon followed . Galgreen , still in shock , managed to raise his hand and yell : " Wait ! . . . The girl . . . she is dead , the old man killed her . . . He 's around somewhere , take off the helmets ! If he doesn 't see your faces and know you 're human , he may be dangerous , " the suits stopped , and the woman pressed a button on her suit , the helmet slid back into the suit , and looked at him , as if only now she noticed he was there . " Damm ! He 's not armed , is he ? " Galgreen shook his head , " Well , so far so good . I really like it better when they 're unconscious though . Oh , the doc said he wanted to talk to you , to examine your brain and all , he 's at the medical bay , ask anyone , " having said that , she turned around and entered the corridors . Galgreen understood vaguely what she said , and went into the hatch . At the other side of a short tunnel , the atmosphere was completely changed . Bright white lights illuminated everything , and there were various electronic mechanisms on the walls . A man was waiting for him , and expressed no surprise when he entered , " Here , I 'll take you to the medical quarters . Come , " Galgreen let himself be guided by that man as they went through various hallways , halls , and doors . They finally reached a small room that was a perfect square of 4x4 metres , with a bench , a painting , a plant and a door . The guide opened the door and motioned Galgreen to enter . He did . " Well , it 'll come back to you eventually , but , just temporarily , I 'd better give you some info . Let me see . . . as you must have assumed , you were in a recreational space station orbiting Varneus . It 's a really popular place actually , all the time there are shuttles being launched to it , carrying lots of tourists . A week ago , though , there was a problem of some sort , they 're still investigating , so I don 't have details ; seven of the ten power generators of the station blew up . There was a power failure and the emergency systems engaged . A message was sent by the computer to warn the rescue stations back on the planet surface , the emergency power supplies were engaged , a gas was poured into the station that put the people in stasis to prevent panic , you know , the usual . " " Well , we sent teams to rescue everyone , but someone messed up and three people were left behind . Now , you probably know that leaving stasis can be a traumatic experience without following certain procedures . Of course , they weren 't followed with you three , so there are parts of your body that aren 't fully functional yet . Specially secondary parts , like the memory region of the brain . " " Gosh . . . well , I suppose it 's all sorted then . Thank you . You can 't believe how crazy things were in there , " Galgreen stood up and shook the doctor 's hand . " You 're welcome , tell the other ones to come in after you , please . And if you need anything else before we 're back at the surface , just come by here , " the doctor stood up from the chair and opened the door , smiling . Galgreen exited the room , and noticed that Julius was there , with his backs turned to him , looking at one of the paintings . " Hey , Julius ! " he said , for one second , the old man seemed as if he hadn 't heard , then he started turning around counter - clockwise , but stopped midway and turned clockwise , very slowly , and stiffly . " The guards must have given him a tranquillizer , " Galgreen thought . After one second , with a blank face , he gave him a smile , that seemed forced , and half - closed his light - green eyes . He slowly extended his hand , offering it to Galgreen , and said " Hello , sir . We see each other again after all this time . Are you happy to see me ? " very slowly , carefully enunciating every word . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
Hello . My name is Keisha ! I am a black and gray dog who lives with three hoomins . We has a happy . : ) U know what , I had a not so good thing on Furs Day . I woke up at two in the morning , went in the bathroom , and had an accident on the floor . I went to Mom 's room and jumped on the bed . Mom woke up , cleaned up the spot and took me for a walk . Oops . I sorry . : ( When I got back , it took a while but I was able to relax . I said bye - bye to D . R . when she left for work . : ) D . R . and her Mom got some dinner at a chicken and fish place yesterday . D . R . said the chicken was a little burned , but it was still okay . I wish I had been there ! I like chicken , especially with sauce . : ) My furs are very long . Mom and Dad haven 't taken me to the hair - cutter 's for a while . I am fuzzy , so when you pet me , my furs go ripple ripple . I like that . : ) Mr . Duck was on our lawn again ! He walked by our house . He is a big guy . He has a red crumply bit on his head that looks like a triangle . It makes him look like a rooster . Mr . Duck likes to stare at cars and people . I bet he is protecting a nest . I like bebehs . : ) It 's Wins Day . It was sunny today , which was good . I heard kittehs outside the house yesterday . They seem to be visiting us again . There was also a kitteh running across the road . He got there okay . : ) A big boy duck was on the lawn between our house and the one next door . I bet he was guarding Mrs . Duck 's nest . That means the duckies are going to have bebehs ! : ) I wonder if one of the kittehs tried to mess with the eggs . I hope not . I know kittehs need to eat , but hopefully the kittehs will find some fruit or something . I jumped up on the couch today . I sat next to my Dad ! Then I checked to see if he had cookies . He didn 't , but that part of the couch smells like that . Sometimes he eats cookies there , and little tiny parts drop off . I get to look for them . Also , I push my nose onto his food , if he has a plate . Then Dad kind of nudges me away . I jump on his tummy . It is a very fun game . : ) D . R . did a lot of stuff on her compooter at work today . She has to call phone numbers sometimes , and get information from the phone recordings . Then she writes down what they say . Today , there were a lot of problems with the phones . The recordings kept stopping in the middle , and D . R . had to call the place again , and give them all the information from the beginning . It took a long time . D . R . was kind of frustrated at the end . She came home and pet me , then . She even had leftover chicken for dinner . Because she had dipping sauce with it , her fingers got sauce on them , and I licked her fingers at the end . It was good ! : ) On the teevee yesterday , they had a lot of polly tix stuff from the Convention Thing they have in Tampa . D . R . did not go , but she has visited that building before . She said it is a nice building . They always have the car show in it . Yesterday , the polly tix people had a lot of speeches , like this : Blah blah blah , werble werble werble . I got confused and put my head on my paws . Then my Mom put on a different show , which was better . It was just some people standing next to a tree . I like trees . : ) In doctor stuff news , D . R . had to go get another test of her bloods . The doctor wants to see if D . R . 's bloods have numbers in them . If D . R . gets the right numbers , she will get a lot of points and win . : ) Then , D . R . has to go to a special doctor , this weekend , who will look at other stuff . It costs a lot of green papers , though , which made D . R . have a big Sad . I rubbed D . R . 's feets before , so I think that will help . : ) Hi , my name is Keisha . I am writing to u after the storm is moving away . I happy ! Thank u for ur wishes . I also send good thoughts to the hoomins and critters who are next due to see the storm . Be safe . : ) { { { Luv } } } Yesterday , I made an oopsie on the carpet . I wanted to go out , but I couldn 't get out in time . My friend D . R . told Dad , and Dad cleaned it up . He pet me and said he was sorry . Then D . R . and later Mom did too . : ) Everything was all better . The carpet spray worked . I glad about that . : ) D . R . has to go to the doctor for some more tests . They are going to cost a bunch of green papers . She is a little skeered . I went into her room to make her feel better . She smiled at me . Then I went to go sleeps in Dad 's room . : ) I bet D . R . will be okay . There was a lot of water on the road when my friend was driving home . She was okay , though . She was careful . Hoomins have to drive slow in the rain . Thunder boomies are scary . I hide in Mom 's room when I hear them . It helps when mah friend gets home , and she pets me and cuddles me . I likes dat ! : ) This morning , I went for a walk with Dad . It was fun . We walked down the block , and then came back to the house . It 's good to get some exercise . The birdees were singing . I like to listen to them . : ) You may have heard on the news about Hurricane Isaac , which is going to hit Flory - dah soon . According to the weather reports on the teevee , our house is in a place where we are going to get lots of rain , but most of the storm will pass us . So don 't worry too much , we will be okay . : ) { { { luv } } } There is going to be a big convention of polly tix in Tampa . My hoomin friends are watching the teevee news about it . I think I am just going to stay home and sit on the couch . I got to watch the news with Mom and Dad this morning , and they pet me a lot . I am glad I could keep them safe . : ) D . R . watched a soccer game on teevee last nite . I went into her room to check on her a bunch of times . She pet me a lot ! Then I tried to read one of her books that she had . It was good . D . R . likes to read mystery books and science fiction . After that , I went back to sit with Mom . : ) Okay , I am going to see what Dad is up to . Don 't worry about us , we will be okay . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } D . R . has moar doctor stuff O hai ! I am Keisha , a little dog . Thank u for coming to see this blog . : ) Today , my hoomin friend D . R . had to go to the doctor . They said her blud preshur was good , but they sticked her with a metal thingy and stole some more of her bloods anyway . They said they had to look at it . Also , they said she needs an exam for her pelvic area . That will be next week . D . R . was a little skaired . I went and sat in the hallway by her room when she came home , to show her it was okay . She tickled me under my chin . That was good . : ) It is windy today . They say a hurricane could be here on Monday . We will be very careful , and I 'm sure we will be all right . The hoomins have watched weather stuff on the teevee . : ) I has a Sad . The first hoomin to walk on the moon , Neil Armstrong , has gone to the Heaven place . He had heart stuffs , and he died today . Awwww shucks . Rest in peace . { { { Neil } } } My Dad gave me lunch today . He put it in my dish and I ate it good . Mmmmmm ! Yummy . : ) After that , I sat on the couch with Dad and we watched teevee . He pet me a lot . That was awesome . : ) Okay , I am gonna see if I can steal the hot dog Dad is eating . I bet it 's good . See u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } U know what happened today ? Mah hoomin friend D . R . came home and made macaroni and cheez for dinner . She gave me the last few spoonfuls ! She put the dish on the floor and let me eat the last bits . Mmmm , they were good ! : ) It was warm and made my tummy feel full . I bet it had lots of nutrition in it . D . R . made the Internets work again on her music player thing at work . She said it was fun to sit there and listen to the radio shows . She forgot her earphones , but the iPod Touch has little speakers on the bottom . D . R . is glad to have a job , but it is even better when it is not bo - ring . There is going to be a big convention in the city of Tampa , Flory - dah , which is not far from where we live . There are going to be a lot of hoomins there . It 's about polly tix , so I do not think I will go . I think it is okay for hoomins to vote for whoever they want , but I do not want to get squished in the crowd . I will just stay home and watch the teevee with Mom and Dad . : ) Our kitteh friend still did not come back . I bet he lives across the street . I hope he is having a good time with his hoomins . : ) There were some pretty birdees down the block , though . I saw two big sandhill cranes ! They had very lovely feathers . They would point their wings and preen themselves . Also , they walk kinda funny . Cranes are fun to watch . : ) I took a walk with my Mom today . I drank a lot of water after that . It was cloudy today , but we didn 't really get a lot of rain . There may be rain next week . I will go hide in Mom 's room if that happens . U know what ? D . R . bought some food and cat litter the other day , and took it to the animal shelter . She bought cat food , dog food and a bag of cat litter . Then she went to the SPCA place , and gave it to them . I was adopted , years ago . I lived in a shelter in Clearwater . Then D . R . and her family found me . Yay ! : ) Adoption is good . Okay , I am going to sleep now . U be good . I see u later . Thanks so much ! { { { Luv } } } Our super air box was working very well today . We got nice cool breezes , and I was able to rest a lot . I drank a bunch of water , and ate all my food . Mom was a little worried before the air thing was fixed , because I was panting , but now I am much better . Yay ! : ) The kitteh who sat under the car yesterday didn 't come back yet . I missed it , but I hope it went home . I would be glad if the kitteh lives with a neighbor across the street . D . R . gave me some food bits . I got a little piece of a flatbread she was eating with dinner tonight . Later , she had some cheez crackers , and she gave me a couple of those too . Wow , they were good ! : ) It rained here today some more . There were thunder boomies . I don 't like those . I had to go in Mom 's room for a while . Later , I felt a little better , and I went back to the living room . : ) Dad is watching teevee . I like to sit with Dad when he does that . He doesn 't ask me to pick the show , but I try to follow the story anyway . There are shows with lawyers in them , shows with cars , some with lots of people talking and then sometimes the news . I was skeered of a noise the other day , and I barked a lot . Then Dad pet me , so I felt better . Whew . : ) I went out for a walk this morning . I took Mom with me . We saw some nice lawns . Then I came back . D . R . said goodbye to me before she left for work . : ) Later , I went in her room and rubbed her feets . That was good ! I was checking for new stuff under the dresser , and her feets were there . Rubs make happy . : ) Oh , wow . Lots of stuff happened today . It 's Toes Day , and a guy came to our house and fixed the Magic Air Box . Now the air is nice and cool , like it is supposed to be . : ) Thank u , Mr . Guy . : ) There was a lot of rain today . We got bad noises and wind and rain . There is a tropical storm out by the ocean . I don 't like thunders . Yipes ! I had to hide in Mom 's room . Later , it went away , so I 'm okay now . There was a car accident on the road while D . R . was going home . She wasn 't in it , but the police had to close part of the road and make everyone drive on a detour . It took D . R . a long time to get home . She was okay , though . We even had a kitteh come by our house today ! : ) A brown and white kitteh was hiding under D . R . 's car in the morning . It was very cute . It probably wanted a place to keep warm . D . R . had to drive to work , though , so her Mom told the kitteh to shoo , and the kitteh got out and walked down the block . D . R . wanted to keep the kitteh ! She almost did , but her Mom said maybe the kat already belongs to someone , so they had to let it leave . D . R . said if the kit comes back , she will pet her . : ) I will put an extra blankie on the floor for the cat , in case she wants to move in with us . Mom was all skeered yesterday , because I was panting a lot , when the Air Box wasn 't working . So , she gave me a lot of water . I drank it up . Mmmm . Then I felt better . My hoomins went swimming . I can 't do that , but it was fun to watch . I got plenty of sleep , and after the guy fixed the air box this morning , I was fine again . Whew . : ) The magic air box at our house is broken . Mom and Dad got kinda Sad , and they called the company to come and fix it . : ) Mom got a big bag of ice cubes and put some of them in a bucket . Then she put that in front of the fan , and it made the living room kind of good . Dad got sammiches from a roast beef place , and he let me nom a little . Boy , was it good ! : ) The air box guy said he is coming back tomorrow morning to put in a new part of the machine , which will make it all better . I bet we are all very happy then ! : ) Thank u , Air Box Guy . ( P . S . : Mom was a little bit worried about me , but she put ice coobs in my water , and that helped a lot . I is okay . ) I got a little skeered when we had thunderstorms yesterday . The booming noises were loud . They didn 't last too long , though . I went to sit with my Dad . I felt better after that . : ) D . R . went swimming before it rained . She went underwater , because she had a special mask and earplugs . That must be fun . I can 't swim , but I like to watch when my hoomins go swimming . : ) Dad has little fishies in two tanks on the back patio . They are fun to watch . They swim all the time . Sometimes they get bunched up by the seaweed thing . They love to race for their food . Fishies are cute . : ) Okay , I am going to watch teevee with Mom now . Don 't worry , the Air Box will be all better on Toesday . We be okay ! Thank u . :) { { { Luv } } } My hoomin friend D . R . went to the doctor place . They said she has to come back one more time , next week , but she okay with that . Her bloods were better , 30 points less o - hai blud preshure . Also , she losted a pound . Yay ! : ) I am glad . I didn 't want my hoomin to have to go to the horsey - tail . D . R . and her Mom went out for noms after that . I was at home , and when they came back , I was happy . : ) Dad took a nap , and when he woke up , we watched the teebee together . There was a big , scary thunderstorm this morning . It was so loud , my hoomin friends woke up early ! Oh , no . : ( I was skeerd . Then Mom hugged me , so I felt better . It is sunny now , which is good . Mom and D . R . both joined a gym which is going to open in a few weeks . They are going to have lots of shiny machines the hoomins can use for exercise . That is good . I bet they hug me when they come back . Maybe I will join , too ! : ) My Dad took me out for walkies . It was good . We went right to the lawn . I stepped over there and when I was done , we walked some more . I was happy because it finally stopped raining . Yipee ! : ) Okay , I am going to sit next to the couch so I can be near my hoomins . I see u later . Bye ! Thx . { { { Luv } } } Today was kinda odd . My hoomin friend D . R . got sick to her tummy at work . She had breakfast , and a little after that , she threw up . Oh no ! Then she washed and went back to her stuff . She finished the whole day . D . R . didn 't get sick again . She will have to take her medicine again , later . I am going to watch her so she 's okay . : ) I am a sekoority dog , so that 's part of my job . D . R . got to use the wi - fi Internets on her iPod Touch at work ! She pressed a special search button and found out that the signal was working . So , she got to use it as a ' guest . ' It worked ! She was able to listen to some neat stuff on the radio . She said she hopes it works again tomorrow , so she 's not bored . Also , she did get to look at the cat pictures after that . So , that 's better . : ) I was sleepy again this morning . I like to nap by the door sometimes . Tonight , D . R . took me for a walk . That was good . : ) There was a U Toob vidyo I saw , of a dog show ! It was good ! The doggies ran across the carpet and did stuff when the judges asked them . They have dog shows on teevee sometimes . They are so much fun to watch . : ) D . R . and her Mom love them too . : ) D . R . says that when she gets a new apartment , she is going to get the Pet Channel on cable teevee . I bet they have dog shows all the time ! : ) Dad was having pretzels before . He ran out , though . He did pet me . That was good . : ) We had a little thunder noise today , but no rain . I am glad it was gone pretty quickly . I don 't like thunderstorms . The power went off for a second at D . R . 's office today . Then it came back again . Wow ! She said it was a little skeery . Then it was over . Whew . I got some new toys ! Yay . Thank u , hoomins . : ) I got three fluffy toys . One is shaped like a star , one is a cat and one is a rectangle that says Catnip on it . I am not a cat , but I like to wrestle my toys . That is fun . I push stuff all over the rug , with my paws and my nose . : ) There is a neat show online , called Rainbow Dog Dachshund Rescue of Texas . It has a show every week . You can watch and meet a real dog , and her hoomin friend . They talk about pet rescue , health , fun games , and other stuff . I likes it ! U can watch it for free . U have to get a screen name at Stickam , but that 's it . Okay , I am going to sit down with my Mom . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } D . R . went to the doctor today . That is like a v - e - t , only for people . They stuck her with a metal thing and stole some of her bloods . She said it hurt . Then she has to go to the doctor ( a different one ) on Caturday . That stinks . : ( The people at the office where D . R . works won 't let her go to the website I Can Has Cheezburger anymore . They blocked it with their big , mean compooters . How is D . R . going to work if she can 't look at cute pictures of kittens and dogs ? She will have a big Sad all day . Oh no . : ( This morning , when I woke up , I was so tired , I went right back to sleep , close to the front door . When Dad was finished with breakfast , he took me for walkies . Then I jumped on the couch and watched teevee with Mom and Dad . : ) The teevee shows were okay . They were kinda loud . The other day , they watched a lawyer show , and she had a cat . I liked that . : ) A duck near where we live went to Heaven the other day . It got hurt because of a bad car . At least at the Rainbow Bridge , everybody can play in the happy place . Fly free , Duck friend . { { { birdee } } } Mom was doing the crossword yesterday . I helped . I sat next to her . Mom always gets more words when I do that . : ) I went to Dad 's room to make sure everything was safe . It was sunny , so I couldn 't take a nap yet . I walked out , and went back to the living room . It 's good to sit there and just think sometimes . U should try it , and ur hoomins can , too . They may need to bring a pillow and a blankie . It 's good to share time with ur peoples . : ) D . R . was looking to get some movies from a DVD place that mails the movies to her . She likes science fiction , mysteries and learning stuff . She watched this one show where a helicopter flew around and took pictures of a big national park . Also , she watched some movies with robots . This weekend , she is going to watch some special teevee shows about cats . D . R . already has them on DVDs . I bet the kitties are cute ! : ) In less than two weeks , they are going to have the Paralympics . This is really good ! Go to that site and u can learn about how to find it on the teevee . It is going to be lots of fun . : ) My friend D . R . took her first medicine for her blood pressure . She said it was okay , it didn 't make her feel too funny . She did take a nap after church , but that was not too bad . : ) The Summer Olympics are done now . They had a closing thing , with a lot of singing and stuff . It was good ! D . R . says she wants to get DVDs when they come out . I am happy because I saw lots of good athletes during the games . And the medals are pretty . : ) I got lots of pettings before . I also checked D . R . 's room a couple of times . One of the times , I poked open the door with just my nose . Then I sniffed , and after that , I turned around and left . U know what is good news ? We have new neighbors , who are very nice , and they have three dogs ! : ) Three ! I can 't wait ' til I meet them . I would love to say Hello and sniff and talk about dog stuff . Yay ! : ) My Dad is feeling okay , too . He watched teevee today , like he usually does . He talked to some friends on the phone , and he had some snacks . My Dad is fun . He makes breakfast really early sometimes , maybe 4 : 30 a . m . - it depends on when he gets up . Then , he watches the nooz and takes me for a walk . I like to spend mornings with Dad . Then I go back to sleep . : ) Today , we got some good news . My Dad doesn 't have to go to the horsey - tail anymore ! Yay ! ! : ) He just has to go to the doctor in six more months . The doctor said the test came back on the boo - boo in his kidney , and it was just a little bitty thing called a cyst , not the bad Can Sur . So , they are just going to ask Dad to come back for another visit next year . Hooray ! : ) Thank u , doctor person . ( wagging my tail ) Another thing happened , though . D . R . went to the doctor place today , and she found out she has Hi Blud Preshure . This means her bloods are a little funny . She has to get special new medicine . She was Sad when she heard it , but her Mom and Dad told her not to be Skeered , because it will make her bloods better . D . R . also has to go to the doctor next week , and get some more tests . She does not like it , because they may have to Poke her with a Metal Thing . That part is Bad . But when it is over , D . R . 's Mom and Dad will be very Happy . : ) So , I was sitting on the couch today , and I watched a mystery thing on the teevee . It was about a hoomin who did a crime . It was scary . Then Dad turned the teevee off , and went into the compooter room . He likes to build boats there . Sometimes I watch him . The boats are small , so you can 't sail on them . : ) D . R . 's car is fixed now . They took the thing out of the tire and put a different thing there , to plug the space . Now it is all better . They put it back on the car , and she is going to work like normal . D . R . and her Mom and Dad are very happy . : ) I am too , because sometimes she takes me to the park . Maybe she do that this weekend ? I hope so . : ) U know what ? I had an oopsie this morning . I did a mistake on the carpet . Mom and Dad weren 't mad , though . They cleaned it up . Then I walked around the house for a bit , and later , Mom and Dad put on the teevee . Everything was okay . The U - S - A won some more shiny Olympic medals ! Other countries won some stuff too . I liked the gymnastics . People were running and jumping and all sorts of things . It was exciting . : ) The women from the U - S - A won the gold medal in soccer . Hooray ! : ) I saw a truck before . I didn 't bark , though , because it didn 't stop . It just drove down the block . So , I let it go . : ) Then the bug spray guy came to spray the house . I let him do stuff , because he visits us every few weeks . He makes all the bugs go away . That is good . : ) I saw a duck ! He was waddling around on the lawn across from our house . He lifted his wings and his b - u - t - t . He wiggled a lot . Then he walked some more . I bet he and Mrs . Duck are building a nest there . : ) I watched teevee with Mom before . She likes this show where police officers ride around and do stuff . I was hoping the canine officers would be on it , where there are some cops who work with search dogs , but we didn 't see that . It was kind of fun anyway . Cop cars are funny . They have lights that blink and spin . They also have sirens that go drrrrrrrrrrrrr . Guess what ? Today I ate a dental stick ! It is like a toothbrush , only it is made out of minty food . I chewed it all up , instead of brushing with it . The stick makes my mouth smell good , like my hoomins do when they brush their teeth . My friend D . R . kisses me sometimes , before she goes to work , and she smells good . : ) Did u know ? There is a fun site where us critters can talk , and stuff . It is called Furs Place . U can see it here . I likes it . : ) It is free , too ! : ) I went to check D . R . 's room a couple times today . I am a sekoority guard , and I have to make sure every room is safe . The first time , I sneaked in under D . R . 's compooter chair , and sniffed a paper on the floor . Then I got kinda stuck , and it took me a few seconds to back out . I was okay , though . The second time , I just stood in the doorway . After that , I went back to the living room . It was good to see that my friend was okay . Plus , her room still smelled like butter , because she ate dinner a little while before that . Shucks , I missed it . : ) Did u ever chase your tail ? I used to do that . Then I caught it ! Yes , I really caught my own tail in my mouth . I bit it . Then I fell down . That skeered me a little , so I let go . I looked at my tail a little bit this morning , but I decided not to catch it again . My Mom was on the phone tonight . She was talking to her cousin . They both said a lot of stuff . I am not tall enough to use the phone . Maybe I could ask once , so I could call the pet supply place and ask if they have duck and pumpkin biscuits . I love those ! D . R . got me some before . Okay , I am going to watch the teevee with Mom again . I see u later . Thanks . { { { Luv } } } U know what ? My hoomin friend D . R . went to work today and when she came out of the office , her car had a flat tire . Oh no ! : ( She called a guy at the AAA , which fixes cars , and he came and put a spare tire on the car . D . R . was okay . She came home and she pet me a lot . That was good ! D . R . was skeered because she thought she was in trouble at work , but they said she did " awesome . " Wow , she was happy ! D . R . had to send a lot of e - mails to ask some people to send stuff to the office . Some people wrote back , some didn 't yet , but D . R . 's manager hoomin was happy . : ) My Dad isn 't in the horsey - tail , uh , hospital place yet . He may have to go next week . I will still miss him . Mom says he will be there for four days . That is a lot ! I will be super happy when he gets back . : ) I took my Mom for a walk tonight . She walked with me up and down the block . Then we came back . D . R . pet me . That was good . : ) I watched teevee with Dad , but the nooz was on , so I didn 't understand a lot of it . I just rested . The Olympics is still on the teevee ! I like them a lot . The U - S - A is winning a lot of stuff . I like the medals because they are shiny . I would be a little skeered to swim in the big swimmy pool they have . I also could not lift the big huge weights in the weightlifting thing . If they had a sport of Fetch , I would be good at it . I have nice , long furs now . I like to lie down next to the couch , when Mom is watching teevee , and sometimes she pets me on my side . A lot of times , I fall asleep on the carpet , but when it is bedtime , usually at 9 : 00 or 9 : 30 , I get up and go to Mom and Dad 's room . Then , I sit on the blankie and sleep there . : ) I found out my Dad has to go to the doctor a lot of times . Dad has a boo - boo on his tummy . He has to go to a doctor tomorrow , and then a horsey - tail , the hospital I mean , where they are going to fix it . He already went to one doctor today . The one tomorrow is different . Dad will be in the hospital place four days ! Oh , wow . I will miss him . { { { Dad } } } He went to the doctor a lot before , when he had to get a metal thingy put in his hip bone . He was at a recovery place for a little bit , and then he came home . I hope he comes home right after he is finished with the operation , this time . I want my Dad ! : ) Other stuff happened too . I went for walkies with Dad today , after it rained . The thunder boomies were loud . I didn 't like them one bit . When they were done , Dad took me for a walk . I still had a good time , smelling stuff and walking up to different lawns . There are more new dogs , too ! This morning there was a little dachshund mix , and a little terrier guy , and a big brown dog . I went " Yip , yip " when I saw them , just to say Hi . : ) One of the pet supply stores near our house has a new grooming center . Mom said she may take me there , later . I don 't have to get shaved too soon , but next time , I bet it 's that store . Everyone likes when I am done with my haircuts , because I look like a puppy . : ) D . R . went to church tonight . When she came back , she let me sniff the book she had . Then she pet me and scratched my chin . That felt good . : ) For dinner , I got a little bit of a burger ! Mom cooked it for me , and she put it in my dish , and I nommed the burger , mmmm mmmm ! : ) Wow , it was good . I like burgers . I went into D . R . 's room a lot . She was sitting there , and I just looked in , and then I left . I went back , and then I left . I have to make my rounds as a sekoority dog . I also have to check if Dad has cookies . Sometimes he goes to sleep early , so I sit next to Mom , and she watches teevee . I saw a funny thing on the Nooz . There was a camera spaceship thing called the Rover , that went to Mars . It can take pictures ! Vroom , vroom . I wonder if it is going to find any big green creatures ? Oh , boy . I hope the green critters don 't come to Earth . I saw a lot of movies about that . Okay , now I am going to sit with Mom and maybe she will scratch my tummy . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } Hi there , I am Keisha , a little dog . : ) It is good to see u here . Thank u . Today is Sundae . That means people do stuff like mow their lawns , watch teevee , go to church and go to the store . I got up early , and had breakfast with Mom and Dad . Then I went to sleep on the floor . Later , I watched some teevee . In the afternoon , D . R . came back from church . She had lunch , which was a fish sammich and fries . And she gave some to me ! : ) Oh man , it was tasty . I had a few fries and a tiny bit of fish . Mmmmm . : ) I got sleepy after that , and I went to nap in Dad 's room . I have a blankie at the foot of the bed . It 's good to sit there . It makes my tummy feel good . : ) This morning , I got lots of pettings . A lot ! : ) D . R . sat next to me on the couch . She gave me a tummy pat , and then pet me on the head . I was very happy . I likes dat . : ) I heard a guy mowing the lawn before . I didn 't bark , because he was across the street . I guess he can stay there . I also saw some birdees before . One of them was a really pretty crane . He was a young guy , and he walked kinda slow . Burdees are fun to watch . : ) D . R . likes to watch vidyos on U Toob sometimes . There are lots of weird and funny ones . This one has a little kitteh , who is hiding under a hat . Yipee ! : ) U will smile . D . R . went swimming before . I can 't swim , so I just watched her . She has a swim cap , a nose clip , ear plugs and goggles . She can swim really well . We have a small pool , with no diving board , but it is still fun . Sometimes when I 'm watching the hoomins , I get a little splash on me . That is not like a bath , it is just few drops . It 's kind of fun . : ) There is going to be a rainstorm soon , so I 'm going to take a break . Go Team USA in the Olympics ! Yay ! : ) Thank u . :) { { { Luv } } } D . R . had some chicken for dinner ! I saw her when she was eating . I got there too late , because she was just about finished . So I didn 't have some . But I kissed her after that , because she smelled good . : ) I has some bimpies on mah head . D . R . found them when she was petting me before . They are just like the bimpies that were on mah ear . Also , the bad thing that was behind my left eye has now spread over to my right eye , a little bit . There is a thing that looks just like the right eye stuff , on the left side . I can still see out of the right eye , though . Plus , I eat and drink and go for walks all the time . So , I is okay . : ) I am happy to have a good home with my hoomins . I don 't have to go to the v - e - t , because my Dad said he called the doctor and he said No . I am happy , because I get to stay home and watch teevee with mah friends and get scratched on mah tummy . : ) D . R . was sick the other day . She went to sleep , and then she felt sick , and got up . She ran to the bafroom and throo up . Her Mom was skeered , but D . R . went back to sleep again and was okay in the morning . Now she is all better . : ) We have some new neighbors in our part of town . Lots of people have moved in , and I see them doing walkies with their dogs too . I wonder if I could meet some friends ? I will go over and smell hello if I see them when I am out with Mom and Dad . : ) My Dad has a thing to do next week . He has to go see Sir Jerry again . They are going to give him a new opera - station , where he gets a boo - boo taken out of his tummy . I bet he is going to be okay . I hope he comes home in a jiffy , so he can have ice cream with me like always . : ) I like to watch teevee with Dad , because he is funny , and he pets me a lot . : ) U know what ? I was patrolling D . R . 's room last night . I thought something happened , but I went in her room and she was okay . I went in her room this morning , and she let me smell her socks . I have to do a thorough job . : ) I heard parakeets outside the house before . I didn 't see them , but I bet they were in the big tree . We get wild green and yellow parakeets around here sometimes . They are cute . : ) Today is Wins Day . It is the middle of the week . I had a good day at home . Dad let me sit on the couch , and I played Get the Snack , when he was eating . That is fun . I sit next to Dad , and when he goes to get a plate from the table , I reach over him and see if I can get the food first . Yummy ! : ) D > R . said they taught her some new stuff at work . She said it was confoozin , but she did her best . Also , the snack table was out of bubble gum . They have a snack table in the office . U can put money in a cup and take some snacks . D . R . said she likes to get bubble gum sometimes . Today , they didn 't have any . D . R . said she will stop at the gas station tomorrow morning , and probably get some gum then . I don 't chew gum , but I do like cookies and chips . : ) Mom went to her exercise class . She does that a lot . I mostly get exercise when I go walkies outside , and sometimes I jump on the couch . I learned those when I was little . : ) I am also good at catching toys . D . R . got me a new green wobbly toy , which goes boing boing when you throw it . I chased it down on the floor . It 's mine mine mine . : ) I wish they had Toy Chasing in the Olympics . D . R . took me for walkies yesterday ! It was fun . I went to the lawn . Then we went back to the house . I like walkies because you get fresh air , and you get to sniff things . There were lots of tree bits and leaves yesterday . I didn 't eat any this time . |
Hello . My name is Keisha ! I am a black and gray dog who lives with three hoomins . We has a happy . : ) U know what , I had a not so good thing on Furs Day . I woke up at two in the morning , went in the bathroom , and had an accident on the floor . I went to Mom 's room and jumped on the bed . Mom woke up , cleaned up the spot and took me for a walk . Oops . I sorry . : ( When I got back , it took a while but I was able to relax . I said bye - bye to D . R . when she left for work . : ) D . R . and her Mom got some dinner at a chicken and fish place yesterday . D . R . said the chicken was a little burned , but it was still okay . I wish I had been there ! I like chicken , especially with sauce . : ) My furs are very long . Mom and Dad haven 't taken me to the hair - cutter 's for a while . I am fuzzy , so when you pet me , my furs go ripple ripple . I like that . : ) Mr . Duck was on our lawn again ! He walked by our house . He is a big guy . He has a red crumply bit on his head that looks like a triangle . It makes him look like a rooster . Mr . Duck likes to stare at cars and people . I bet he is protecting a nest . I like bebehs . : ) It 's Wins Day . It was sunny today , which was good . I heard kittehs outside the house yesterday . They seem to be visiting us again . There was also a kitteh running across the road . He got there okay . : ) A big boy duck was on the lawn between our house and the one next door . I bet he was guarding Mrs . Duck 's nest . That means the duckies are going to have bebehs ! : ) I wonder if one of the kittehs tried to mess with the eggs . I hope not . I know kittehs need to eat , but hopefully the kittehs will find some fruit or something . I jumped up on the couch today . I sat next to my Dad ! Then I checked to see if he had cookies . He didn 't , but that part of the couch smells like that . Sometimes he eats cookies there , and little tiny parts drop off . I get to look for them . Also , I push my nose onto his food , if he has a plate . Then Dad kind of nudges me away . I jump on his tummy . It is a very fun game . : ) D . R . did a lot of stuff on her compooter at work today . She has to call phone numbers sometimes , and get information from the phone recordings . Then she writes down what they say . Today , there were a lot of problems with the phones . The recordings kept stopping in the middle , and D . R . had to call the place again , and give them all the information from the beginning . It took a long time . D . R . was kind of frustrated at the end . She came home and pet me , then . She even had leftover chicken for dinner . Because she had dipping sauce with it , her fingers got sauce on them , and I licked her fingers at the end . It was good ! : ) On the teevee yesterday , they had a lot of polly tix stuff from the Convention Thing they have in Tampa . D . R . did not go , but she has visited that building before . She said it is a nice building . They always have the car show in it . Yesterday , the polly tix people had a lot of speeches , like this : Blah blah blah , werble werble werble . I got confused and put my head on my paws . Then my Mom put on a different show , which was better . It was just some people standing next to a tree . I like trees . : ) In doctor stuff news , D . R . had to go get another test of her bloods . The doctor wants to see if D . R . 's bloods have numbers in them . If D . R . gets the right numbers , she will get a lot of points and win . : ) Then , D . R . has to go to a special doctor , this weekend , who will look at other stuff . It costs a lot of green papers , though , which made D . R . have a big Sad . I rubbed D . R . 's feets before , so I think that will help . : ) Hi , my name is Keisha . I am writing to u after the storm is moving away . I happy ! Thank u for ur wishes . I also send good thoughts to the hoomins and critters who are next due to see the storm . Be safe . : ) { { { Luv } } } Yesterday , I made an oopsie on the carpet . I wanted to go out , but I couldn 't get out in time . My friend D . R . told Dad , and Dad cleaned it up . He pet me and said he was sorry . Then D . R . and later Mom did too . : ) Everything was all better . The carpet spray worked . I glad about that . : ) D . R . has to go to the doctor for some more tests . They are going to cost a bunch of green papers . She is a little skeered . I went into her room to make her feel better . She smiled at me . Then I went to go sleeps in Dad 's room . : ) I bet D . R . will be okay . There was a lot of water on the road when my friend was driving home . She was okay , though . She was careful . Hoomins have to drive slow in the rain . Thunder boomies are scary . I hide in Mom 's room when I hear them . It helps when mah friend gets home , and she pets me and cuddles me . I likes dat ! : ) This morning , I went for a walk with Dad . It was fun . We walked down the block , and then came back to the house . It 's good to get some exercise . The birdees were singing . I like to listen to them . : ) You may have heard on the news about Hurricane Isaac , which is going to hit Flory - dah soon . According to the weather reports on the teevee , our house is in a place where we are going to get lots of rain , but most of the storm will pass us . So don 't worry too much , we will be okay . : ) { { { luv } } } There is going to be a big convention of polly tix in Tampa . My hoomin friends are watching the teevee news about it . I think I am just going to stay home and sit on the couch . I got to watch the news with Mom and Dad this morning , and they pet me a lot . I am glad I could keep them safe . : ) D . R . watched a soccer game on teevee last nite . I went into her room to check on her a bunch of times . She pet me a lot ! Then I tried to read one of her books that she had . It was good . D . R . likes to read mystery books and science fiction . After that , I went back to sit with Mom . : ) Okay , I am going to see what Dad is up to . Don 't worry about us , we will be okay . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } D . R . has moar doctor stuff O hai ! I am Keisha , a little dog . Thank u for coming to see this blog . : ) Today , my hoomin friend D . R . had to go to the doctor . They said her blud preshur was good , but they sticked her with a metal thingy and stole some more of her bloods anyway . They said they had to look at it . Also , they said she needs an exam for her pelvic area . That will be next week . D . R . was a little skaired . I went and sat in the hallway by her room when she came home , to show her it was okay . She tickled me under my chin . That was good . : ) It is windy today . They say a hurricane could be here on Monday . We will be very careful , and I 'm sure we will be all right . The hoomins have watched weather stuff on the teevee . : ) I has a Sad . The first hoomin to walk on the moon , Neil Armstrong , has gone to the Heaven place . He had heart stuffs , and he died today . Awwww shucks . Rest in peace . { { { Neil } } } My Dad gave me lunch today . He put it in my dish and I ate it good . Mmmmmm ! Yummy . : ) After that , I sat on the couch with Dad and we watched teevee . He pet me a lot . That was awesome . : ) Okay , I am gonna see if I can steal the hot dog Dad is eating . I bet it 's good . See u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } U know what happened today ? Mah hoomin friend D . R . came home and made macaroni and cheez for dinner . She gave me the last few spoonfuls ! She put the dish on the floor and let me eat the last bits . Mmmm , they were good ! : ) It was warm and made my tummy feel full . I bet it had lots of nutrition in it . D . R . made the Internets work again on her music player thing at work . She said it was fun to sit there and listen to the radio shows . She forgot her earphones , but the iPod Touch has little speakers on the bottom . D . R . is glad to have a job , but it is even better when it is not bo - ring . There is going to be a big convention in the city of Tampa , Flory - dah , which is not far from where we live . There are going to be a lot of hoomins there . It 's about polly tix , so I do not think I will go . I think it is okay for hoomins to vote for whoever they want , but I do not want to get squished in the crowd . I will just stay home and watch the teevee with Mom and Dad . : ) Our kitteh friend still did not come back . I bet he lives across the street . I hope he is having a good time with his hoomins . : ) There were some pretty birdees down the block , though . I saw two big sandhill cranes ! They had very lovely feathers . They would point their wings and preen themselves . Also , they walk kinda funny . Cranes are fun to watch . : ) I took a walk with my Mom today . I drank a lot of water after that . It was cloudy today , but we didn 't really get a lot of rain . There may be rain next week . I will go hide in Mom 's room if that happens . U know what ? D . R . bought some food and cat litter the other day , and took it to the animal shelter . She bought cat food , dog food and a bag of cat litter . Then she went to the SPCA place , and gave it to them . I was adopted , years ago . I lived in a shelter in Clearwater . Then D . R . and her family found me . Yay ! : ) Adoption is good . Okay , I am going to sleep now . U be good . I see u later . Thanks so much ! { { { Luv } } } Our super air box was working very well today . We got nice cool breezes , and I was able to rest a lot . I drank a bunch of water , and ate all my food . Mom was a little worried before the air thing was fixed , because I was panting , but now I am much better . Yay ! : ) The kitteh who sat under the car yesterday didn 't come back yet . I missed it , but I hope it went home . I would be glad if the kitteh lives with a neighbor across the street . D . R . gave me some food bits . I got a little piece of a flatbread she was eating with dinner tonight . Later , she had some cheez crackers , and she gave me a couple of those too . Wow , they were good ! : ) It rained here today some more . There were thunder boomies . I don 't like those . I had to go in Mom 's room for a while . Later , I felt a little better , and I went back to the living room . : ) Dad is watching teevee . I like to sit with Dad when he does that . He doesn 't ask me to pick the show , but I try to follow the story anyway . There are shows with lawyers in them , shows with cars , some with lots of people talking and then sometimes the news . I was skeered of a noise the other day , and I barked a lot . Then Dad pet me , so I felt better . Whew . : ) I went out for a walk this morning . I took Mom with me . We saw some nice lawns . Then I came back . D . R . said goodbye to me before she left for work . : ) Later , I went in her room and rubbed her feets . That was good ! I was checking for new stuff under the dresser , and her feets were there . Rubs make happy . : ) Oh , wow . Lots of stuff happened today . It 's Toes Day , and a guy came to our house and fixed the Magic Air Box . Now the air is nice and cool , like it is supposed to be . : ) Thank u , Mr . Guy . : ) There was a lot of rain today . We got bad noises and wind and rain . There is a tropical storm out by the ocean . I don 't like thunders . Yipes ! I had to hide in Mom 's room . Later , it went away , so I 'm okay now . There was a car accident on the road while D . R . was going home . She wasn 't in it , but the police had to close part of the road and make everyone drive on a detour . It took D . R . a long time to get home . She was okay , though . We even had a kitteh come by our house today ! : ) A brown and white kitteh was hiding under D . R . 's car in the morning . It was very cute . It probably wanted a place to keep warm . D . R . had to drive to work , though , so her Mom told the kitteh to shoo , and the kitteh got out and walked down the block . D . R . wanted to keep the kitteh ! She almost did , but her Mom said maybe the kat already belongs to someone , so they had to let it leave . D . R . said if the kit comes back , she will pet her . : ) I will put an extra blankie on the floor for the cat , in case she wants to move in with us . Mom was all skeered yesterday , because I was panting a lot , when the Air Box wasn 't working . So , she gave me a lot of water . I drank it up . Mmmm . Then I felt better . My hoomins went swimming . I can 't do that , but it was fun to watch . I got plenty of sleep , and after the guy fixed the air box this morning , I was fine again . Whew . : ) The magic air box at our house is broken . Mom and Dad got kinda Sad , and they called the company to come and fix it . : ) Mom got a big bag of ice cubes and put some of them in a bucket . Then she put that in front of the fan , and it made the living room kind of good . Dad got sammiches from a roast beef place , and he let me nom a little . Boy , was it good ! : ) The air box guy said he is coming back tomorrow morning to put in a new part of the machine , which will make it all better . I bet we are all very happy then ! : ) Thank u , Air Box Guy . ( P . S . : Mom was a little bit worried about me , but she put ice coobs in my water , and that helped a lot . I is okay . ) I got a little skeered when we had thunderstorms yesterday . The booming noises were loud . They didn 't last too long , though . I went to sit with my Dad . I felt better after that . : ) D . R . went swimming before it rained . She went underwater , because she had a special mask and earplugs . That must be fun . I can 't swim , but I like to watch when my hoomins go swimming . : ) Dad has little fishies in two tanks on the back patio . They are fun to watch . They swim all the time . Sometimes they get bunched up by the seaweed thing . They love to race for their food . Fishies are cute . : ) Okay , I am going to watch teevee with Mom now . Don 't worry , the Air Box will be all better on Toesday . We be okay ! Thank u . :) { { { Luv } } } My hoomin friend D . R . went to the doctor place . They said she has to come back one more time , next week , but she okay with that . Her bloods were better , 30 points less o - hai blud preshure . Also , she losted a pound . Yay ! : ) I am glad . I didn 't want my hoomin to have to go to the horsey - tail . D . R . and her Mom went out for noms after that . I was at home , and when they came back , I was happy . : ) Dad took a nap , and when he woke up , we watched the teebee together . There was a big , scary thunderstorm this morning . It was so loud , my hoomin friends woke up early ! Oh , no . : ( I was skeerd . Then Mom hugged me , so I felt better . It is sunny now , which is good . Mom and D . R . both joined a gym which is going to open in a few weeks . They are going to have lots of shiny machines the hoomins can use for exercise . That is good . I bet they hug me when they come back . Maybe I will join , too ! : ) My Dad took me out for walkies . It was good . We went right to the lawn . I stepped over there and when I was done , we walked some more . I was happy because it finally stopped raining . Yipee ! : ) Okay , I am going to sit next to the couch so I can be near my hoomins . I see u later . Bye ! Thx . { { { Luv } } } Today was kinda odd . My hoomin friend D . R . got sick to her tummy at work . She had breakfast , and a little after that , she threw up . Oh no ! Then she washed and went back to her stuff . She finished the whole day . D . R . didn 't get sick again . She will have to take her medicine again , later . I am going to watch her so she 's okay . : ) I am a sekoority dog , so that 's part of my job . D . R . got to use the wi - fi Internets on her iPod Touch at work ! She pressed a special search button and found out that the signal was working . So , she got to use it as a ' guest . ' It worked ! She was able to listen to some neat stuff on the radio . She said she hopes it works again tomorrow , so she 's not bored . Also , she did get to look at the cat pictures after that . So , that 's better . : ) I was sleepy again this morning . I like to nap by the door sometimes . Tonight , D . R . took me for a walk . That was good . : ) There was a U Toob vidyo I saw , of a dog show ! It was good ! The doggies ran across the carpet and did stuff when the judges asked them . They have dog shows on teevee sometimes . They are so much fun to watch . : ) D . R . and her Mom love them too . : ) D . R . says that when she gets a new apartment , she is going to get the Pet Channel on cable teevee . I bet they have dog shows all the time ! : ) Dad was having pretzels before . He ran out , though . He did pet me . That was good . : ) We had a little thunder noise today , but no rain . I am glad it was gone pretty quickly . I don 't like thunderstorms . The power went off for a second at D . R . 's office today . Then it came back again . Wow ! She said it was a little skeery . Then it was over . Whew . I got some new toys ! Yay . Thank u , hoomins . : ) I got three fluffy toys . One is shaped like a star , one is a cat and one is a rectangle that says Catnip on it . I am not a cat , but I like to wrestle my toys . That is fun . I push stuff all over the rug , with my paws and my nose . : ) There is a neat show online , called Rainbow Dog Dachshund Rescue of Texas . It has a show every week . You can watch and meet a real dog , and her hoomin friend . They talk about pet rescue , health , fun games , and other stuff . I likes it ! U can watch it for free . U have to get a screen name at Stickam , but that 's it . Okay , I am going to sit down with my Mom . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } D . R . went to the doctor today . That is like a v - e - t , only for people . They stuck her with a metal thing and stole some of her bloods . She said it hurt . Then she has to go to the doctor ( a different one ) on Caturday . That stinks . : ( The people at the office where D . R . works won 't let her go to the website I Can Has Cheezburger anymore . They blocked it with their big , mean compooters . How is D . R . going to work if she can 't look at cute pictures of kittens and dogs ? She will have a big Sad all day . Oh no . : ( This morning , when I woke up , I was so tired , I went right back to sleep , close to the front door . When Dad was finished with breakfast , he took me for walkies . Then I jumped on the couch and watched teevee with Mom and Dad . : ) The teevee shows were okay . They were kinda loud . The other day , they watched a lawyer show , and she had a cat . I liked that . : ) A duck near where we live went to Heaven the other day . It got hurt because of a bad car . At least at the Rainbow Bridge , everybody can play in the happy place . Fly free , Duck friend . { { { birdee } } } Mom was doing the crossword yesterday . I helped . I sat next to her . Mom always gets more words when I do that . : ) I went to Dad 's room to make sure everything was safe . It was sunny , so I couldn 't take a nap yet . I walked out , and went back to the living room . It 's good to sit there and just think sometimes . U should try it , and ur hoomins can , too . They may need to bring a pillow and a blankie . It 's good to share time with ur peoples . : ) D . R . was looking to get some movies from a DVD place that mails the movies to her . She likes science fiction , mysteries and learning stuff . She watched this one show where a helicopter flew around and took pictures of a big national park . Also , she watched some movies with robots . This weekend , she is going to watch some special teevee shows about cats . D . R . already has them on DVDs . I bet the kitties are cute ! : ) In less than two weeks , they are going to have the Paralympics . This is really good ! Go to that site and u can learn about how to find it on the teevee . It is going to be lots of fun . : ) My friend D . R . took her first medicine for her blood pressure . She said it was okay , it didn 't make her feel too funny . She did take a nap after church , but that was not too bad . : ) The Summer Olympics are done now . They had a closing thing , with a lot of singing and stuff . It was good ! D . R . says she wants to get DVDs when they come out . I am happy because I saw lots of good athletes during the games . And the medals are pretty . : ) I got lots of pettings before . I also checked D . R . 's room a couple of times . One of the times , I poked open the door with just my nose . Then I sniffed , and after that , I turned around and left . U know what is good news ? We have new neighbors , who are very nice , and they have three dogs ! : ) Three ! I can 't wait ' til I meet them . I would love to say Hello and sniff and talk about dog stuff . Yay ! : ) My Dad is feeling okay , too . He watched teevee today , like he usually does . He talked to some friends on the phone , and he had some snacks . My Dad is fun . He makes breakfast really early sometimes , maybe 4 : 30 a . m . - it depends on when he gets up . Then , he watches the nooz and takes me for a walk . I like to spend mornings with Dad . Then I go back to sleep . : ) Today , we got some good news . My Dad doesn 't have to go to the horsey - tail anymore ! Yay ! ! : ) He just has to go to the doctor in six more months . The doctor said the test came back on the boo - boo in his kidney , and it was just a little bitty thing called a cyst , not the bad Can Sur . So , they are just going to ask Dad to come back for another visit next year . Hooray ! : ) Thank u , doctor person . ( wagging my tail ) Another thing happened , though . D . R . went to the doctor place today , and she found out she has Hi Blud Preshure . This means her bloods are a little funny . She has to get special new medicine . She was Sad when she heard it , but her Mom and Dad told her not to be Skeered , because it will make her bloods better . D . R . also has to go to the doctor next week , and get some more tests . She does not like it , because they may have to Poke her with a Metal Thing . That part is Bad . But when it is over , D . R . 's Mom and Dad will be very Happy . : ) So , I was sitting on the couch today , and I watched a mystery thing on the teevee . It was about a hoomin who did a crime . It was scary . Then Dad turned the teevee off , and went into the compooter room . He likes to build boats there . Sometimes I watch him . The boats are small , so you can 't sail on them . : ) D . R . 's car is fixed now . They took the thing out of the tire and put a different thing there , to plug the space . Now it is all better . They put it back on the car , and she is going to work like normal . D . R . and her Mom and Dad are very happy . : ) I am too , because sometimes she takes me to the park . Maybe she do that this weekend ? I hope so . : ) U know what ? I had an oopsie this morning . I did a mistake on the carpet . Mom and Dad weren 't mad , though . They cleaned it up . Then I walked around the house for a bit , and later , Mom and Dad put on the teevee . Everything was okay . The U - S - A won some more shiny Olympic medals ! Other countries won some stuff too . I liked the gymnastics . People were running and jumping and all sorts of things . It was exciting . : ) The women from the U - S - A won the gold medal in soccer . Hooray ! : ) I saw a truck before . I didn 't bark , though , because it didn 't stop . It just drove down the block . So , I let it go . : ) Then the bug spray guy came to spray the house . I let him do stuff , because he visits us every few weeks . He makes all the bugs go away . That is good . : ) I saw a duck ! He was waddling around on the lawn across from our house . He lifted his wings and his b - u - t - t . He wiggled a lot . Then he walked some more . I bet he and Mrs . Duck are building a nest there . : ) I watched teevee with Mom before . She likes this show where police officers ride around and do stuff . I was hoping the canine officers would be on it , where there are some cops who work with search dogs , but we didn 't see that . It was kind of fun anyway . Cop cars are funny . They have lights that blink and spin . They also have sirens that go drrrrrrrrrrrrr . Guess what ? Today I ate a dental stick ! It is like a toothbrush , only it is made out of minty food . I chewed it all up , instead of brushing with it . The stick makes my mouth smell good , like my hoomins do when they brush their teeth . My friend D . R . kisses me sometimes , before she goes to work , and she smells good . : ) Did u know ? There is a fun site where us critters can talk , and stuff . It is called Furs Place . U can see it here . I likes it . : ) It is free , too ! : ) I went to check D . R . 's room a couple times today . I am a sekoority guard , and I have to make sure every room is safe . The first time , I sneaked in under D . R . 's compooter chair , and sniffed a paper on the floor . Then I got kinda stuck , and it took me a few seconds to back out . I was okay , though . The second time , I just stood in the doorway . After that , I went back to the living room . It was good to see that my friend was okay . Plus , her room still smelled like butter , because she ate dinner a little while before that . Shucks , I missed it . : ) Did u ever chase your tail ? I used to do that . Then I caught it ! Yes , I really caught my own tail in my mouth . I bit it . Then I fell down . That skeered me a little , so I let go . I looked at my tail a little bit this morning , but I decided not to catch it again . My Mom was on the phone tonight . She was talking to her cousin . They both said a lot of stuff . I am not tall enough to use the phone . Maybe I could ask once , so I could call the pet supply place and ask if they have duck and pumpkin biscuits . I love those ! D . R . got me some before . Okay , I am going to watch the teevee with Mom again . I see u later . Thanks . { { { Luv } } } U know what ? My hoomin friend D . R . went to work today and when she came out of the office , her car had a flat tire . Oh no ! : ( She called a guy at the AAA , which fixes cars , and he came and put a spare tire on the car . D . R . was okay . She came home and she pet me a lot . That was good ! D . R . was skeered because she thought she was in trouble at work , but they said she did " awesome . " Wow , she was happy ! D . R . had to send a lot of e - mails to ask some people to send stuff to the office . Some people wrote back , some didn 't yet , but D . R . 's manager hoomin was happy . : ) My Dad isn 't in the horsey - tail , uh , hospital place yet . He may have to go next week . I will still miss him . Mom says he will be there for four days . That is a lot ! I will be super happy when he gets back . : ) I took my Mom for a walk tonight . She walked with me up and down the block . Then we came back . D . R . pet me . That was good . : ) I watched teevee with Dad , but the nooz was on , so I didn 't understand a lot of it . I just rested . The Olympics is still on the teevee ! I like them a lot . The U - S - A is winning a lot of stuff . I like the medals because they are shiny . I would be a little skeered to swim in the big swimmy pool they have . I also could not lift the big huge weights in the weightlifting thing . If they had a sport of Fetch , I would be good at it . I have nice , long furs now . I like to lie down next to the couch , when Mom is watching teevee , and sometimes she pets me on my side . A lot of times , I fall asleep on the carpet , but when it is bedtime , usually at 9 : 00 or 9 : 30 , I get up and go to Mom and Dad 's room . Then , I sit on the blankie and sleep there . : ) I found out my Dad has to go to the doctor a lot of times . Dad has a boo - boo on his tummy . He has to go to a doctor tomorrow , and then a horsey - tail , the hospital I mean , where they are going to fix it . He already went to one doctor today . The one tomorrow is different . Dad will be in the hospital place four days ! Oh , wow . I will miss him . { { { Dad } } } He went to the doctor a lot before , when he had to get a metal thingy put in his hip bone . He was at a recovery place for a little bit , and then he came home . I hope he comes home right after he is finished with the operation , this time . I want my Dad ! : ) Other stuff happened too . I went for walkies with Dad today , after it rained . The thunder boomies were loud . I didn 't like them one bit . When they were done , Dad took me for a walk . I still had a good time , smelling stuff and walking up to different lawns . There are more new dogs , too ! This morning there was a little dachshund mix , and a little terrier guy , and a big brown dog . I went " Yip , yip " when I saw them , just to say Hi . : ) One of the pet supply stores near our house has a new grooming center . Mom said she may take me there , later . I don 't have to get shaved too soon , but next time , I bet it 's that store . Everyone likes when I am done with my haircuts , because I look like a puppy . : ) D . R . went to church tonight . When she came back , she let me sniff the book she had . Then she pet me and scratched my chin . That felt good . : ) For dinner , I got a little bit of a burger ! Mom cooked it for me , and she put it in my dish , and I nommed the burger , mmmm mmmm ! : ) Wow , it was good . I like burgers . I went into D . R . 's room a lot . She was sitting there , and I just looked in , and then I left . I went back , and then I left . I have to make my rounds as a sekoority dog . I also have to check if Dad has cookies . Sometimes he goes to sleep early , so I sit next to Mom , and she watches teevee . I saw a funny thing on the Nooz . There was a camera spaceship thing called the Rover , that went to Mars . It can take pictures ! Vroom , vroom . I wonder if it is going to find any big green creatures ? Oh , boy . I hope the green critters don 't come to Earth . I saw a lot of movies about that . Okay , now I am going to sit with Mom and maybe she will scratch my tummy . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } Hi there , I am Keisha , a little dog . : ) It is good to see u here . Thank u . Today is Sundae . That means people do stuff like mow their lawns , watch teevee , go to church and go to the store . I got up early , and had breakfast with Mom and Dad . Then I went to sleep on the floor . Later , I watched some teevee . In the afternoon , D . R . came back from church . She had lunch , which was a fish sammich and fries . And she gave some to me ! : ) Oh man , it was tasty . I had a few fries and a tiny bit of fish . Mmmmm . : ) I got sleepy after that , and I went to nap in Dad 's room . I have a blankie at the foot of the bed . It 's good to sit there . It makes my tummy feel good . : ) This morning , I got lots of pettings . A lot ! : ) D . R . sat next to me on the couch . She gave me a tummy pat , and then pet me on the head . I was very happy . I likes dat . : ) I heard a guy mowing the lawn before . I didn 't bark , because he was across the street . I guess he can stay there . I also saw some birdees before . One of them was a really pretty crane . He was a young guy , and he walked kinda slow . Burdees are fun to watch . : ) D . R . likes to watch vidyos on U Toob sometimes . There are lots of weird and funny ones . This one has a little kitteh , who is hiding under a hat . Yipee ! : ) U will smile . D . R . went swimming before . I can 't swim , so I just watched her . She has a swim cap , a nose clip , ear plugs and goggles . She can swim really well . We have a small pool , with no diving board , but it is still fun . Sometimes when I 'm watching the hoomins , I get a little splash on me . That is not like a bath , it is just few drops . It 's kind of fun . : ) There is going to be a rainstorm soon , so I 'm going to take a break . Go Team USA in the Olympics ! Yay ! : ) Thank u . :) { { { Luv } } } D . R . had some chicken for dinner ! I saw her when she was eating . I got there too late , because she was just about finished . So I didn 't have some . But I kissed her after that , because she smelled good . : ) I has some bimpies on mah head . D . R . found them when she was petting me before . They are just like the bimpies that were on mah ear . Also , the bad thing that was behind my left eye has now spread over to my right eye , a little bit . There is a thing that looks just like the right eye stuff , on the left side . I can still see out of the right eye , though . Plus , I eat and drink and go for walks all the time . So , I is okay . : ) I am happy to have a good home with my hoomins . I don 't have to go to the v - e - t , because my Dad said he called the doctor and he said No . I am happy , because I get to stay home and watch teevee with mah friends and get scratched on mah tummy . : ) D . R . was sick the other day . She went to sleep , and then she felt sick , and got up . She ran to the bafroom and throo up . Her Mom was skeered , but D . R . went back to sleep again and was okay in the morning . Now she is all better . : ) We have some new neighbors in our part of town . Lots of people have moved in , and I see them doing walkies with their dogs too . I wonder if I could meet some friends ? I will go over and smell hello if I see them when I am out with Mom and Dad . : ) My Dad has a thing to do next week . He has to go see Sir Jerry again . They are going to give him a new opera - station , where he gets a boo - boo taken out of his tummy . I bet he is going to be okay . I hope he comes home in a jiffy , so he can have ice cream with me like always . : ) I like to watch teevee with Dad , because he is funny , and he pets me a lot . : ) U know what ? I was patrolling D . R . 's room last night . I thought something happened , but I went in her room and she was okay . I went in her room this morning , and she let me smell her socks . I have to do a thorough job . : ) I heard parakeets outside the house before . I didn 't see them , but I bet they were in the big tree . We get wild green and yellow parakeets around here sometimes . They are cute . : ) Today is Wins Day . It is the middle of the week . I had a good day at home . Dad let me sit on the couch , and I played Get the Snack , when he was eating . That is fun . I sit next to Dad , and when he goes to get a plate from the table , I reach over him and see if I can get the food first . Yummy ! : ) D > R . said they taught her some new stuff at work . She said it was confoozin , but she did her best . Also , the snack table was out of bubble gum . They have a snack table in the office . U can put money in a cup and take some snacks . D . R . said she likes to get bubble gum sometimes . Today , they didn 't have any . D . R . said she will stop at the gas station tomorrow morning , and probably get some gum then . I don 't chew gum , but I do like cookies and chips . : ) Mom went to her exercise class . She does that a lot . I mostly get exercise when I go walkies outside , and sometimes I jump on the couch . I learned those when I was little . : ) I am also good at catching toys . D . R . got me a new green wobbly toy , which goes boing boing when you throw it . I chased it down on the floor . It 's mine mine mine . : ) I wish they had Toy Chasing in the Olympics . D . R . took me for walkies yesterday ! It was fun . I went to the lawn . Then we went back to the house . I like walkies because you get fresh air , and you get to sniff things . There were lots of tree bits and leaves yesterday . I didn 't eat any this time . |
I went to the funeral for my friend Anita 's husband yesterday . It wasn 't a " regular " funeral , he was cremated , so there wasn 't a " viewing " , but they still had a lot of photos of him , and then they had a service there at the funeral home . My thought for the day is this : ( and please forgive me if I sound persnickety ! ) I get back to work , and someone comes up to me : " Did you go to the funeral ? " " How was it ? " Then I go to sit down at my desk and my boss comes over : " I see you went to the funeral , how was it ? " Uh . . . . " it was fun " ? " it was great " ? " Well , a lot of people were wearing black clothes , so it really wasn 't all that fashionable " . . . . ? I mean , it seems so obvious to me , it was sad , I wish none of us had to go , my friend cried a lot , they did funeral - type stuff , etc . There were prayers and hymns , too . Probably a more appropriate way to phrase your interest in the funeral might be " How did Anita seem ? " Now that I can answer . She seemed to be doing well , considering . She has a lot of brothers and sisters and they have all rallied around her . She 's got good support . She 'll be ok . I have been praying for her , as have many people . LOL , now that I 've got that off my chest . . . . I hope that you got everything you wanted for Christmas , if you celebrate in that way ! ! ! I usually love Christmas , and I love traditions and creating new traditions , it 's my favorite time of year , even if there were no presents ! First of all , I need to preface this with the fact that I gave DH $ 60 to use specifically for Christmas shopping . To the best of my knowledge , he spent nearly all of that , except for a CD for DD , on himself ( pop and cigs , etc . ) Later he asked me for more , but I didn 't have it , and I didn 't figure it would go towards its intended purpose anyhow . I had a nice Christmas , for the most part , but DH didn 't have a great start . He got up and watched DD open her gifts , and then he opened the ones I gave him , then he realized that the CD he had gotten for DD was missing , and he couldn 't find it anywhere , and he couldn 't remember where he had put it . That stressed him out . Then , he went to give me my " coupons " - - that was what I had asked for , " coupons " for me to have him do various things for me , like take the trash down , etc . . . . he gave me some for my birthday a few months ago , and I just loved them ! ! ! Anyhow , he also couldn 't remember where he had put the coupons . When that happened , he looked so upset , I thought he was going to cry . The memory problems are really cropping up lately , and they 're really bothering him a lot . : - ( I told him that was ok , he could just give them to me later . . . . but I still don 't have them . . . . the presents I got were : a jigsaw puzzle from DD , hand lotion and $ 50 from DH 's mom , and a $ 100 gift card from my mom - - that 's what she wanted to give to everyone on her " list " , and since she is still able to decide how to spend her money , if someone helps her with it , I had gone out and bought them all for her . Everyone knows how tight money is for us , so it was nice that nobody bought stuff like pot holders or whatever ( not that I don 't like pot holders , I LOVE them , LOL ) , but the money helps so much ! ! ! I 'm kind of disappointed that I didn 't even get the coupons ( and they don 't cost anythPosted by Well , in the last few days , " That Guy " was nowhere to be found . Jim left to visit his " real " family for the holidays , and none too soon , as I have been getting more and more aggravated by his presence - - I just hate having him always there on the couch . . . . and although he does get things done around the house , he 's been doing a lot less to help out lately . So I 'm very glad he 's gone , at least for a week or two . . . . I have a friend , Anita . I have worked with her for 17 years , and she and I were on a bowling team with both of our mothers for years before our moms had to stop bowling . . . . anyhow , her husband passed away on Thursday night , of colon cancer . We knew he was dying , but we thought he would make it past the holidays , for sure . We thought wrong , though . I wish I knew better how to be a supportive friend without being overbearing , I know she 's going through a tough time right now , and it pains me to think about what she must be feeling . Anyhow , I was just waking up , pondering all the thoughts that come into your mind when someone close to you suffers a loss like this , and DH came into the room . I , still thinking that " That Guy " was taking a break , started to tell him about how I was sad for Anita , and thinking about her , and he told me that he needed cigarettes , and while I was at it , he needed pop , too , and gas . I was still in a " Carol has a give - and - take normal marriage " mood , because that 's how things have felt these last few days , but I was wrong there too . I really couldn 't afford to get him cigs or pop or gas , but I didn 't want to be a jerk anyhow , so I said this : " I 'll get you cigs and pop if you feed and water the ducks and chickens . " Feeding and watering the ducks and chickens in the winter is a big pain because it 's cold out and the water is always frozen , so you have to " pop " the ice out of the water bowls before you can fill them . . . then there 's the actual toting of food and water - did I mention it 's usually cold out in December in MN ? Of course , " Ducking and clucking " is usually my job , they 're my birds . BPosted by It 's pretty funny , and still full of irony - - Chuck ( my DH 's Sims character ) , is still depressed , but now has a job . . . but he doesn 't pay his bills and the bill collectors are calling him ! Apparently things are getting repossessed , too . . . . and apparently on at least one occasion , Chuck was so tired that he fell asleep on his way to answer the telephone . . . . . I don 't know if Chuck can file for bankruptcy or not , LOLI 'm hoping it 's a coincidence , but part of me is wondering if the reason Chuck seems so similar to DH is that DH is still making the same kind of decisions as he was before ? ? ? I hope not ! ! ! I don 't know enough about the game to know how much of it is random and how much is based on DH 's actual choices . I guess there 's not much I can do about it anyway , right ? He did it ! ! ! DH got all the bankruptcy forms filled out , and we went and met with the attorney today . It seems like it will be relatively painless to get those debts out of the way . Like I thought , he is able to file bankruptcy without me , so my credit will be intact . What a relief ! ! ! The money will still be extremely tight after the bankruptcy , thanks to the truck loan and the four wheeler ( ATV ) loan , which , since they are partly mine ( due to the open - ended loan agreement from before - - what had happened was , back in like 2002 , we had to put in a new well . We got a joint loan from the credit union for that , and then , because I trusted DH completely , and he trusted me , we signed an open - ended loan agreement , where if we needed a loan , only one of us would have to sign for it . . . anyhow , when DH got the 4 - wheeler , he got the loan at a different bank , and his truck loan was with a different bank too . But then he went to the credit union , and they , unbeknownst to him ( or so he says ) looked at my credit , and , without telling him that they only look at the " better " credit in a joint situation , told him that they could give him a better interest rate , so he moved both of those loans to the credit union , and suddenly I was on the hook for two loans I never signed up for . So my word to everyone , no matter how strong your marriage is at the time , don 't ever sign one of those agreements ! ! ! Anyhow , after the bankruptcy , since my name is still on those loans , I 'll still be responsible for them . . . ) - - still leaves my budget about $ 400 a month more than what I 'm currently bringing in , but I 'm hoping we 'll get enough of a tax refund where I can pay some things down . . . anyhow . . . I 've been somehow managing for a year and a half , I guess I can go for a while longer , right ? It all seems to work out eventually . . . . . At least now , the bill collectors will stop calling , and I won 't have to worry about a lien being put on the house or anything like that . . . . and DH won 't have to worry about if he gets a job , are they going to garnish his wages or wPosted by DH and Jim got a game for the computer ( with Jim 's money ) , " The Sims Deluxe Edition " . It 's kind of a role - playing game . You create a character , the computer gets you going , and then you kind of vicariously live a " different " life through this character . And the computer imposes the consequences of whatever actions you take , so things might not end up the way you thought they would . They installed it , and DH played it for several hours before I got home . He told me about his character , which he named " Chuck Wagon " ( rolling my eyes ) . . . . and then he told me this : " He 's always so depressed ! ! ! I don 't know what to do ! ! ! All he does is sit on the couch and cry about how depressed he is . Then he complains about how he can 't find a job because he 's so depressed . But he really has to find a way to get motivated to find a job , so he can better his situation and get rid of the depression . But he can 't , so he sits on the couch , eats cookies , and cries . Then he goes to the bathroom , and comes back and does it all over again ! ! ! I am so frustrated and it 's so boring ! ! ! " I started laughing out loud . He told me to shut up . I don 't think he saw the parallel until I started laughing . If you remember , my mom ( age 78 ) broke her hip at the end of October , she had the surgery , and she did great in rehab in the nursing home . Unfortunately , now that she 's back in her assisted living apartment , she seems to be having quite a bit more confusion than she did prior to her fall . One day she took the top and pump assembly out of her " Softsoap " bottle , apparently not knowing what it was for , and somehow got the entire assembly shoved into her toothpaste tube for a cap . She then brought the cap of her toothpaste to me along with the soap bottle and told me " I can 't get the cap to go on . " Another day , she was putting away laundry , and she told me , " I just can 't tell which ones are the big towels and which ones are the small ones right now . " And the pills . For two years she has lived in the assisted living apartment . For all of those two years , I have set her pills up in a set of three " day of the week " containers , one for morning , one for noon , and one for night time . Each container is a different color . She has almost never had any trouble taking them . And now since she has been back home , she can 't do it . She wants to take all three sets at once , she wants to take the nighttime pills in the morning . . . we had to up her care level at the assisted living , because she now needs someone to coach her with the pill - taking . This is new . And unfortunately pretty scary . I 've known for a long time that hip fractures are really really bad news for elderly people , so it should really come as no surprise , but it still does . It seemed like things were going so well . She doesn 't even use a walker now , except on long walks ! My brother spent a couple of days with her this past week and told me that she got up at 5 : 30am ( early for her ) and got extremely agitated because she couldn 't figure out how to dress herself . Even in the nursing home , in the rehab , she was putting on sweaters and stuff . . . . So earlier this week I brought her to the doctor , he did blood work and a chest X ray and said she has a " possible " urinary tract infectiPosted by DH up and finished the bankruptcy forms ! ! ! ! So I paid his bad check , and now he won 't go to jail ( yet anyhow ) . He also called the attorney and set up an appointment , but it turns out he has to reschedule because DD has an orthodontist appt . that day and it can 't be rescheduled . But it 's progress , for sure ! ! ! I got such a good feeling thinking about not having bill collectors calling all the time any more , I was amazed . I hope he can manage to follow through and get this over with . Oh , and he didn 't get off scott free with the check , either . It appears that once the Sheriff 's department is involved , in order to stay out of jail , he is required to take a 4 - hour class ( presumably to ensure that he handles his money better in the future ) . So even though I paid the money part , he still has to go to the class . That made me feel a little better about " enabling " him , too . You know , I really miss my old DH and the fun things we used to do when we had discretionary income , I hope someday I can have that again . . . Well , first of all , what I decided to do about the bad check thing was this : I told DH that I would pay it for him , on the condition that he finishes filling out the bankruptcy forms completely . He seemed ok with this , and I felt that it was more than fair . He has until Tuesday to pay it before the warrant is issued , so we 'll see what he actually does . . . . I really very much don 't want him to go to jail , but sometimes it 's so hard to separate his bipolar behavior from his DH behavior , and I just wish there was some way I could get him to see things the way I do . . . I know though , that if he could see things like I do , then I guess he wouldn 't be bipolar ( or I would , LOL ) ! The second thing is , I took DD to her therapist today , her therapist is aware of what is going on with DH . I like DD 's therapist a lot . She asked me how I was doing ( when DD was out of the room ) and I kind of vented a little to her . And then she told me that the best advice she ever got was some advice given to her in regard to her own special needs adopted kids , the person told her simply to " lower your expectations " . " If you lower your expectations , you won 't end up disappointed . " And I know that 's exactly what I need to do . It feels good even thinking about it . I know I will still be struggling with those times when my " normal " DH shows up and I start revising my expectations as if he was my " normal " husband again . I will need to remember that things seem to go up and down , and I should let myself be pleasantly surprised by the positive things he does , and not let myself start expecting those ( like feeding the dogs , or getting out of bed ) . For several months of all this , I had to tell myself , " I am a single mom " . And that way , I just kind of mentally got rid of all my expectations towards DH . Then , when he started to make some progress , I think I was a little too quick to conclude that " things " were back to normal . He started to do things like laundry . So I stopped doing laundry , because that was always " his " job when he was well . Then , when I comePosted by Well , it was bound to happen . . . . today DH got a call from the Sheriff 's Department in our town , regarding a bad check that he had written . They told him that they 've sent him a letter in the mail , and that he has " a little time " to clear things up and if he doesn 't , a warrant will be issued for his arrest . He 's pretty upset about it . My thoughts kind of go along the line of " well what did you think would happen ? " But there I go again , griping . I know he didn 't think he " could get away with it " , or something dumb like that , but I also have to wonder , why on earth he would be so shocked and upset by this development , since he wrote the check in May , and they 've been trying to collect the funds from him since June ? The original check was for $ 51 . 00 . Now , with fees and stuff , it 's $ 189 . 00 . The quandary that I speak of , well , it 's mine . Even though at first blush , the problem seems to be DH 's , I don 't know what to do . I can dip into my Christmas money and pay it for him , which would bring him peace of mind and I wouldn 't have to worry about feeling bad , etc . . . . or I can let him deal with the consequences of his behavior ( s ) himself . He has had so many opportunities to take care of these checks ( yes , I know there will be more coming down the pipeline , and that 's another aspect of the quandary ) . Even when he was working and off getting all the stupid tattoos and drinking and such , he did have the money to take care of this . And Jim 's given him money that he 's spent on pop that he " needs " , and cigs that he " needs " . In my non - mentally - ill book , it seems like he set his priorities and that was that . He made his bed , now he can lie in it , right ? Or not . . . he 's been doing somewhat better in the last few weeks , he 's no longer working , basically I am the only one who can save him , unless Jim has any money left . . . . so what to do ? ? ? ? Unfortunately , I will probably elect to bail him out , because even through all my disgust and tough - love logic , I would still feel bad if he went to jail around Christmas or any time , because he was mentally Posted by Well , it 's kind of a long story , but Jim came into some money he wasn 't expecting to get , so all of a sudden he wasn 't broke . And that wasn 't a good thing for DH 's spending . DH and Jim have been spending money every day this week . They bought : A plow for the ATV , insulation and light fixtures for the duck house ( even though I tried to explain that there is no need ) , insulated jeans for Jim , a new cordless phone , and then , apparently , Jim is getting tired of sleeping on our couch , so he bought a 2nd - hand hide - a - bed ( in very nice condition ) , and while DH and Jim were at the 2nd - hand furniture place , they decided we also needed a new coffee table and new end tables . Can you believe all that ? ? ? Anyhow , I was starting to get annoyed by Tuesday , and they had only bought the plow and the new phone at that point . By the time the " new " furniture showed up , I was more than a little peeved . All the spending really really bothered me . I wanted to say " you know , if you want to spend money , I 've got DH 's truck payment and DH 's ATV payment , and both of them are due , and we need those bills paid a lot more than we need new end tables " . . . . but of course I didn 't . I felt really uncomfortable about the new " house " stuff , too . I felt like it was rather presumptious and pushy for Jim ( or for Jim AND DH , for that matter ) to up and buy stuff like that without talking to me about it at all . I really felt imposed on , and I felt like Jim was " moving in " for good , and , since I HATE company , that didn 't sit well with me at all . I do think , though , that Jim was picking up on my extreme discomfort . It would take a real numbskull not to . I was getting terse , and he was concerned that maybe I didn 't like the new furniture . I didn 't know how to explain it to him without offending him . So I tried to explain it to DH in private , and he said he understood . And I felt like he did . And I felt like my " real " DH was there with me all of a sudden . What a weird switcheroo . Well , this morning was DH 's first day at his new job . He was so excited ! ! ! ! It felt so good thinking that soon he would be bringing home a paycheck again , and it also felt so good to think to myself " he 's at work . " That 's kind of hard to explain , it really was just a good feeling , kind of like maybe things are finally getting back to normal . . . . Anyhow , before bed last night , he packed a lunch , laid out the clothes he was going to wear , and planned on what time to leave , etc . This morning , he got right up at 5 : 00 ( a miracle in itself ) , got dressed , I wished him luck , and he left for work . At 6 : 45 am , I got DD up for school , then I laid down for a few more hours before I had to go pick up some prescriptions for my mom , and then go to work . At 10 : 30am , I got a call . " Hello , is [ DH ] there ? " " No , he 's not , can I take a message ? " " Yes , this is [ John Doe ] from [ Widget Company ] , DH was supposed to start work here today ? He never showed up . " I called DH 's cell phone , no answer . I immediately started to panic . Did he kill himself ? ( I didn 't think so , he was so excited to work , he would 've at least showed up first ) . . . . Did he fall asleep on the way to work and get in an accident ? Did he have some kind of mental illness episode and if so , where on earth was he ? ? ? ? I didn 't know what to do first . I was so scared ! ! ! I decided I would get dressed , wake up Jim , and see if maybe Jim had some idea as to what was going on . I was only a couple of steps away from Jim when the phone rang , it was DH . I have never been so relieved in my life . Considering all the stuff that 's gone on in the last year and a half , I cannot believe how worried I was ! ! ! ! So what happened , you ask ? DH was supposed to meet [ Mr . John Doe ] at 7am at [ Widget Company ] . DH showed up at 7am and Mr . John Doe wasn 't there , and none of the other employees were expecting him . DH talked to the secretary , and discovered that Mr . John Doe had left a contract for him to sign , agreeing to $ 10 , 000 a year less than had been agreed to over the phone . DH didn 't sign it , he wanted to talk Posted by Sometimes there 's just so much to write about , I just can 't type fast enough , you know ? Last Saturday morning , before I found out about all the gun - pawning and all , DH went to his first Spenders Anonymous meeting . I really wasn 't sure he was going to , especially after his flat - out refusal the previous week , but he did get up and go , and he went without me . He called me when he got there . Anyhow , I think he was impressed . He said that there were several people there that had problems similar to his - - not necessarily bipolar , but blind , uncontrollable , overspending . He said it made him think . It also made him feel bad because of all the people he has " screwed over " in the last couple of years . ( Apparently it didn 't help him draw a parallel from his recent spending behavior to that of others , or even to his past behavior , but I suppose that comes later ) . When he got home , he said , " I have a lot of thinking to do . " And he seemed sincere in that he wants to go back . So that is hopeful , isn 't it ? ? ? Anyhow , so the meetings are on Saturday mornings , and its about an hour 's drive to get there . Tomorrow " afternoon " is supposed to bring us a foot of snow . So I am hoping with all my heart and soul that it is not snowing tomorrow when it comes time for him to go - - it 's so important , I just NEED to know that he is working on the spending issues , you know ? If you were to ask me , and if you can 't tell from my posts here , the biggest problem affecting our marriage is not necessarily the bipolar illness , it 's the overspending . It seems like he is never happy with what he has , not even for a day . And he has to find SOMETHING to buy all the time . And a lot of forgiveness is going to have to happen . Both in our marriage and between DH and his friends , and DH and our community , too . The bipolar is small beans compared to all the spending issues , so if he could get that REALLY under control , I know our marriage would undoubtedly be stronger . . . . DH got a job . Apparently he interviewed for this job before the worst of the bipolar showed up , they hired someone else , that person didn 't work out , so DH got the call . He is very excited . It 's a type of work he 's done in the past , so he 's confident that he can do a good job . Me ? I 'm very excited in one way , as this job , if it works out , could double our income . And it 's so nice to see DH looking so excited and acting confident again . But I 'm terrified for about a zillion " overprotective wife " reasons : 1 ) What if his memory problems cause issues at his job ? 2 ) How is he going to be able to go to all of his appointments ? The new job is an hour and a half away from home . . . 3 ) What if he just " can 't handle " it , and ends up losing this job , too ? Will that put him " over the edge " ? Will it make his illness worse ? Will he try to kill himself ? 4 ) What if he starts spending again ? 5 ) He still hasn 't filled out the bankruptcy forms - - how is DH having an income going to affect that ? And they will probably garnish his wages ( whoever gets there first , I imagine . . . ) In short , I 'm worried that while this is something potentially wonderful , if it doesn 't turn out as planned , it could be worse than DH never having gotten a job in the first place . I hope that 's not the case , of course , but I always try to " plan for the worst , hope for the best . " Sometimes I just feel so defeated . I know that the choice ( s ) he has made are his , and I shouldn 't feel so upset about that , but I 'm really worried that he is going to alienate everyone that cares about him , and he isn 't going to have a clue what happened - - like Jason , who seems to be " not quite as eager to hang out " as he once was . . . . after DH basically spent him dry , and then joked about it . . . Let 's see . . . . he 's stolen from me , lied to me . . . . mooched huge amounts of money from every person who has mentioned they have access to some . . . . spent the money his mom gave him for filing bankruptcy - - and it didn 't get spent on bankruptcy - - lied about that . . . . he pawned his brother 's deer rifle , and today I found out that he did pawn his own $ 1300 deer rifle ( the one that I urged him not to pawn ) too . I have said before that him not having that gun isn 't that big of a deal to me ; if he doesn 't have any guns , then he will have a harder time shooting himself . . . . but I know he won 't get it back , and also , his mom had told him that she wanted to use the gun for collateral for the bankruptcy money that doesn 't exist any more , to assure that he would pay her back . I just think that once everyone really starts to realize what is up , things are going to hit the fan , and more people besides Jason are going to throw their hands up and say " I can 't do this any more " . And when I try to say anything about that to DH , I am the " bad guy " . The " meanie " who won 't give him any money . Even though I have a credit card ( rolling my eyes ) . . . . I just wish I knew how to handle this better . He is so sure that he is making good decisions . So sure , that he is absolutely offended that I would even consider the possibility that his decisions aren 't the best ones . I absolutely hate watching him do this . And it 's so hard to not be able to just say to him , " Look . Most people can survive without pop . " No matter how I word it , it turns out that he just can 't . ( survive ) . Tonight I feel like it 's all so hopeless . I wish he 'd just get so mad at me for not giving him monePosted by And he 's right , I 'm not happy . Remember that five bucks I wouldn 't give him ? Well , apparently he " needed " pop so bad , he pawned his brother 's deer rifle . And then he blamed me . " You 've been getting so mad when I ask you for money , I just wanted to be able to buy my own pop for once . " " And I was almost out of gas too . " I have absolutely no idea where all that gas went that I bought three days ago went . I don 't go through that much gas on all my commuting , even allowing that his car doesn 't get as good of mileage as mine . I really wonder what on earth he did with all that gas . But his brother 's gun ? ? ? ? Isn 't that stealing ? ? ? Again ? ? ? ? I didn 't point that out to him , but I thought it , loud and clear . I asked him how on earth he was going to get it back . First he said his brother wouldn 't notice , then he said that Jim was going to give him money when he gets his taxes back ( which is going to be three months from now , or somewhere along those lines . . . . ) Then I tried to gently explain to DH that he " needs " a lot of things that most people can live without . Of course everything I said , he had an excuse for , and I am a big meanie . Because I am the one who gets so mad . I really really really wanted to say " maybe you should ask Jim about these differing points of view " , but I knew it would be unfair to get Jim involved . Jim has never said anything directly to me about DH 's spending , but sometimes when DH asks for money for stupid stuff , Jim catches my eye and I know he sees it for what it is . . . . Then in this sobby voice , DH says " I 'm trying to look for a job . . . " and I had to bite my tongue in order to not say , " all you had to do was call the casino lady . You turned that down . And you haven 't exactly been pounding the pavement , either . " In the last two weeks he has applied for exactly three jobs . One of them he for sure didn 't get . One was the casino job that he didn 't want . And one was supposed to call him today to let him know , but they didn 't call back . He was so sure that he had that one , that he had already spent his entire Posted by DH just called , he sounded really down . So I said , " What 's wrong ? " " Nothing . " " Did therapy go ok ? " " Well , it was a little troubling " . " What happened ? " " I 'll tell you later when I 'm alone . " " Is there anything else wrong ? " " Not really . " " Not really ? ? ? " " Well , there 's something I need to tell you . You 're not going to like it . " " What 's going on ? " " I 'll tell you later when I 'm alone . " " It 's nothing that directly affects you , and don 't worry , I didn 't steal anything from you . " " But I 'm afraid you 're going to leave me . " But he wouldn 't tell me what is going on . I hope it 's just more drama and whatever it is , isn 't that bad . I have no idea how worried I should be . I 'll keep you posted . The story below is one that I read couple of days ago , but the statements made in it , coming from mainstream media , make me want to share this with everyone , even though most people who know me just end up rolling their eyes and saying " Oh , there she goes again with all that financial mumbo - jumbo " . . . . so if you 're not interested in economic stuff , I 'm very sorry ! ! ! http : / / www . msnbc . msn . com / id / 21939337New wave of mortgage failures could create a nightmare economic scenarioBy JOE BEL BRUNOAP Business WriterThe Associated PressNEW YORK - When Domenico Colombo saw that his monthly mortgage payment was about to balloon by 30 percent , he had a clear picture of how bad it could get . His payment was scheduled to surge by an extra $ 1 , 500 in December . With his daughter headed to college next fall and tuition to be paid , he feared ending up like so many neighbors in Ft . Lauderdale , Fla . , who defaulted on their mortgages and whose homes are now in foreclosure and sporting " For Sale " signs . Colombo did manage to renegotiate a new fixed interest rate loan with his bank , and now believes he 'll be OK _ but the future is less certain for the rest of us . In the months ahead , millions of other adjustable - rate mortgages like Colombo 's will reset , giving them a higher interest rate as required by the loan agreements and leaving many homeowners unable to make their payments . Soaring mortgage default rates this year already have shaken major financial institutions and the fallout from more of them , some experts say , could spread from those already battered banks into the general economy . The worst - case scenario is anyone 's guess , but some believe it could become very bad . " We haven 't faced a downturn like this since the Depression , " said Bill Gross , chief investment officer of PIMCO , the world 's biggest bond fund . He 's not suggesting anything like those terrible times _ but , as an expert on the global credit crisis , he speaks with authority . " Its effect on consumption , its effect on future lending attitudes , could bring us close to the zero liPosted by I just re - read the post about me charging $ 137 at the convenience store . . . I forgot to add that DD 's bio mom had asked DH to haul a TV for her , so I also gave DH the $ 20 in cash that I had in my pocket , so he could put gas in his truck ( he has a car and a truck , because the truck really uses a lot of gas - - and yes , I pay the insurance for both , plus my own car ) - - so Friday I gassed up his car , then Saturday I gave him $ 20 to gas up his truck . . . . do you know . . . last night , DH was grabbing a can of pop out of one of his 12 - packs that he had gotten that night , and he says " Oh . I 've only got three cans left . " I said , " YOU DRANK TWO ENTIRE TWELVE PACKS IN TWO DAYS ? ? ? ? ? " and he said " no , it was three days . " Then he did the math and said " well , Jim had one can , I think . . . . . " Then he looked at me and in the context of this same conversation , said ( with three cans still available , along with two 2 - liter bottles left over from Thanksgiving ) , " do you have five bucks ? I 'm going to need it for pop for tomorrow . " I thought he was kidding . It was so absurd , I honestly thought he was kidding . How on earth could he be serious ? ? ? ? But he was . He acted like I don 't love him at all , when I said " NO ! " . I told him to take one of the 2 - liters to therapy if he needed pop that bad . He said , " I can 't go into therapy with a big bottle ! " , so then I said , " Well , maybe you should save your three cans until tomorrow then . . . ? " He didn 't answer and just did that " never mind " thing , you know , the one that makes a person feel guilty . . . . ? I thought that was it . But then this morning when he was getting ready for therapy , once again , he said , " Can I have five bucks ? " I got irritated and snapped at him " No ! ! ! I don 't have five bucks ! ! ! I have given you all the money I had . " And he got offended again and left . Hi , I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving ! What I did was brought all the food and such over to my mom 's apartment and cooked it there , then I went over to the nursing home and wheeled her over for dinner . DH and Jim came too . It was a really nice day . I hope yours was spent with people you care about , too . The day after Thanksgiving , that was another story . The cell phones got shut off because I hadn 't paid the bill . In the grand scheme of my impossible budget , " cell phones " are the last bill that gets paid , and apparently during the last two months that bill did not get paid at all . Ok , I was the one who was supposed to pay that ( who else ? ) , but like I said , there is usually only a finite supply of money , and the cell phones were on the short end . Realistically , in a normal family , cell phones are a huge LUXURY . People did without them for many years and I was one of those . I would not much miss my cell phone , for the most part . But our family isn 't normal for a few reasons . The most important one is DH 's fragile mental health . If he is suicidal , or otherwise having some kind of crisis , I feel that it is very important for me to be able to get a hold of him , no matter what . In fact , we even have a deal with each other , made in the therapist 's office , that if I call DH 's cell phone in a crisis , and am unable to reach him for 10 minutes , I am to call the police . I 've only come close to doing that once since we 've had the agreement , but it sure gives me peace of mind . Another reason the cell phones are important is that I work 90 miles away from home , and a lot of my drive is rural and desolate . I feel like I am safer when I have a cell phone . And lastly , DD has some behavior issues . On occasion , her behavior at school has escalated to her being out of control , and the school has called for advice . Now granted , I think that for the most part , if we really had to , we could all live without the cell phones . It 's not like we really use them all that much . I 'm not a tech junkie or anything - - the cell phones we have werePosted by I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving . . . . I won 't be online again until Saturday . If you haven 't figured it out yet , the Internet isn 't in our family budget , so I only blog at my one job , where they don 't mind if you spend a lot of time on the web as long as you get your work done . Anyhow , since I am going to have some time off , you won 't be hearing from me for the next few days . So stay out of trouble and eat hearty ! Today was another crazy day . I got home from work at 6 : 45 am , then I let the dogs out , woke up dd and got her on the bus , tumbled into bed at 7 : 30am . I had to get up at 10 : 30 though , because DD had an orthodontist appointment - - she got braces today - - and her orthodontist is an hour and a half away . So we drove there and back , got home around 3 : 30 . As soon as we got home , I tried to go back to bed , but the bill collectors kept calling and it bothers DH to take the phone off the hook , so I really didn 't sleep much , although I did get some good snuggles with the kitties : - ) At 5 : 30 I had to get up again to go and pick up some of DD 's prescriptions from the pharmacy . As soon as I got up , DH asked what we were going to have for dinner . " Mac - n - cheese and Spam " , I said . He asked if I could make another Caesar salad , I said ok . Then he asked if I could make a double batch , but I didn 't have enough ingredients , so I said no . So then he said , " We need paper napkins . " " Oh - - and we need light bulbs . " I told him that I did not have money for those things and he got kind of offended . I got more offended than him , though , because it seems like he ALWAYS ALWAYS " needs " something . So . . . . I went to the pharmacy , then I had to stop by the nursing home to visit with my mom . She was really excited because one of the therapists had said that they are looking at my mom going home to her assisted living apartment " maybe next week . " So my mom was all smiles , and that was fun . She told me that the therapist was going to bring her to her apartment tomorrow ( the nursing home and the assisted living apartments are attached to each other ) to see how she would do with things like getting out of bed and going to the bathroom . So right away I went " uh - oh . . . . " and after bidding my mom " : adieu " , I ran down to her apartment to make sure it was ok . . . changed the litter box , and cleaned up a hairball . Then I ran home to make supper , knowing full well that DH wasn 't going to be satisfied . . . . I started cooking . . . DD was showing off her new braces in the living roPosted by Well , today , DH 's friend Jim repaired the steps leading to our deck , cleaned the yard , put new rafters and loft floor in DH 's shed , and took Molly McMutt outside to play . I got off work at 6am and went from there to WalMart , because a ) 6am is a GREAT time to shop at WalMart , and b ) WalMart is the cheapest place between work and home for me to buy dog food and fixin 's for Thanksgiving dinner . Because I wasn 't going to make it home in time to wake DD up for school at 6 : 50 , I called DH and asked him if he would do it for me . " Sure . I 'm already up . " And he didn 't even sound like he minded , which was unusual and very pleasant . When I got home from WalMart , the first thing I had to do was let out 5 dogs . Two of them have to be on chains ( Megan and Frosty ) and then Molly can be out wherever . . . Sarah needs to be watched , because she will chase a car if one goes by . . . and Kirby is completely deaf and kind of blind , so I have to keep an eye on him too . . . . then I started to unload the car , put everything perishable into the fridge , locked the door and went in to bed . I wasn 't surprised that DH was sleeping , he sleeps a LOT . But as I closed the door , he woke up and said " Hi honey , " and then he opened his eyes with surprise and told he that he hadn 't woken DD up after all , he 'd fallen back asleep . ARGH . I guess I shouldn 't have been surprised . . . . last year dd was tardy to school seven times because he " fell back asleep " , even if I called him two or three times to remind him , to the point where he got mad at me , he 'd still fall back asleep . But he hadn 't done it yet this year , so I had been thinking that we were making " progress . " I know I feel a lot better about things when I am there every morning to make sure things go like they 're supposed to , but WalMart is 30 miles away from home , so I don 't want to waste the gas going home and back , of course , and the store closest to our house has much higher prices . . . I have to give DH credit , though , he did get out of bed and drive dd to school , where in the past I have had to do it . . . so I Posted by Well , I 've kind of skipped over a few events lately , I 'll try to catch you up so you aren 't stuck asking questions because I assumed you were all mind readers . . . . . Thursday was " free food " day , and I was able to convince DH to go with me and there was a LOT of food . Plus they gave away shampoo and cold medicine too . It will all really help a lot , and I think DH was rather impressed . Plus , I thought , it was a good way for him to help " provide " without spending money . On Saturday , we were supposed to go to Spenders Anonymous , but DH wouldn 't get out of bed . No matter how I tried . I was so angry ! ! ! Just the night before , he had been talking about how much he thought it would help him and all that . . . . but when it came right down to going , he just couldn 't . I tried to be understanding . Then we had a talk about how the organization that finds mentally ill people a job had found him a job at our local casino , doing janitorial work . And the benefits were going to be amazing . Way better than we 've got through my work . The lady had said all he had to do was call her up and he would be hired . But he won 't call her up because he doesn 't want anyone to recognize him doing that kind of work . This is the bipolar logic again , because I just can 't believe that DH , when in his right mind , would choose not to have a job , for fear of " being seen " , but still I 'm stretching every little penny , working 2 jobs and so on . . . . anyhow , so he still isn 't working and doesn 't want a job where someone might see him . Then last night , we went to a Keith Urban concert . I like Keith Urban , but there was no way I could have afforded tickets to go see him , but my friend at work had won a couple of them and she had already bought tickets , so we got free tickets to the concert . DH was complaining before we left about how he didn 't have any cigs or chew or pop or gas for his car ( we were driving my car to the concert ) and could I please buy him some chew ? So we got to the concert and paid for parking and I gave him all the money I had left , $ 9 . Enought for chPosted by Apparently the Lord thinks I 'm really Wonder Woman or something - - just kidding , of course , I 'm sure there 's a reason for it all . . . but last night I stopped by my Mom 's assisted living apartment to check on her cat ( she is still in the nursing home recovering from her broken hip ) . Anyhow , it looked to me like they had shampooed her carpet , which they 've done before . But her fridge was pulled out from the wall , some of her furniture was moved , and there was an electric fan running in her hallway that wasn 't hers . Then I noticed that the kitty litter box had been moved from its regular spot , and the plastic tablecloth that we keep under the litter box had been thrown into the bathtub . At this point I got concerned . So I went and tracked down the night shift gal , and she told me that a pipe had broken and flooded my mom 's apartment . I don 't have a problem believing this , because her apartment is right next to the laundry room . . . . apparently they had to " pump all the water out " . So , knowing that , I went back into the apartment and realized that on the floor of her closet were a number of cardboard boxes that were full of clothes and other things , and of course they were just soaked . Basically everything that was sitting on the floor in her bedroom , bathroom or closet was soaked . It was midnight and I was overwhelmed . . . a common feeling for me lately . . . Anyhow , what I opted to do was empty the boxes , throw away anything that didn 't look important or wearable , and now tonite I am going to do a ton of laundry and organizing , so that when my mom comes back to her apartment to visit her kitty , she won 't be able to tell much has changed at all . I hope , anyhow . DH called me at work ( again on a Friday ) and first asked me if there was any money in the house because he needed his Marlboros . I had bought him some generic smokes , I just can 't see me , a non - smoker , spending $ 4 . 50 a pack for a pack - a - day habit that isn 't even mine . . . . anyhow , DH was upset because he had no cigs and no money . Actually , he did have cigs , they just weren 't the kind he likes . Too bad for him , I say ( but not to his face , that would make matters a LOT worse , LOL ) . . . . beggars can 't be choosers . . . . I wasn 't much help , I told him " not a lot of people die from lack of cigs . " That didn 't make him too happy , LOL . . . Then he called me a couple of hours later and told me that a ) he had called Jason and Jason hadn 't called back , b ) his brother had invited a friend that we barely know to go hunting on our land , but his brother wasn 't even going to be there and c ) dd was being snotty . To a non - bipolar person , these things seem so easy to handle : a ) maybe Jason 's busy , b ) really rude , just say no . . . and c ) send her to bed - - it 's her bedtime anyhow . . . But to DH , these are end - of - the world crises . He can 't tell his brother not to invite his friend to our land , because his brother will just guilt trip him and he 'll feel bad . So he calls me and talks for a half hour about how awful it is instead ( I say too bad , no reasonable person would be happy about this , especially since we aren 't going to be home tomorrow ! ) So he mopes around and feels bad . And DD , well , kids are snotty sometimes . It 's not the end of the world , and it doesn 't mean she doesn 't love him or whatever , she 's just being a 14 year old . Send her to bed and you don 't have to deal with her for the rest of the night and maybe she won 't be so snotty tomorrow . But to DH he takes it personally , and not only that , but he gets way way more angry than her behavior merits . Thank goodness he doesn 't take it out on her . Most of the time he calls me up to tell me how angry he is . And then he feels angry and depressed about it , because he 's a terrible person ( according to Posted by Today DH went to see a neuropsychologist . The reason that he went dates back to the three weeks when he was hospitalized about a year and a half ago . At that time , they did some kind of scan , I think it was an MRI , of his brain , and were rather shocked by the fact that it appeared that the left temporal lobe of his brain was severely damaged . Nobody ever followed up on that possibility , though , until now . We 've been so busy just trying to keep the bipolar under control , that we had pretty much forgotten about the brain damage thing . Anyhow , so today he finally went in for some tests . Even though the actual test results won 't be available for a couple of weeks , DH was shocked by his inability to answer some pretty simple questions , and his inability to think logically . He told me that they asked him questions like " what is the difference between a cat and a dog ? " and he said , " It was the strangest feeling . I knew the answer , but there were no words for it , and no way for me to explain it . I have never felt that way before . It was very strange . " He also described a test where there were two decks of cards . The person administering the test was to show him one card at a time , and when DH had figured out the pattern , they would put that deck away . He said that the girl who was administering the test seemed very surprised , as DH went through both decks completely and never saw a pattern at all . Apparently the neuropsychologist mentioned that the tests that DH didn 't do well on were all related to the left temporal lobe , so the connection has been made . A lot of this is not news to me . I 've known for at least a year and a half that there was something wrong with his thinking , but I thought it was the bipolar . I 'm not sure if its good or bad that it could be a brain injury instead . I have a lot of questions : How is it that the symptoms seemed to get so bad all of a sudden ? Is there some kind of therapy that can help retrain other parts of the brain to do things the left temporal lobe usually does ? Is it going to get worse ? IPosted by I was reading through my recent posts and I have been doing a lot of whining and a lot of " poor me " . But I know that I have it good compared to many , and even though I sometimes feel like there is nothing to be happy about , well , I 'm wrong . So this post is going to remind me that even when things get yucky , I still have things that many people would be grateful for . 1 ) I have my mom . I have learned so much from her , especially as she ages . I hope I can be as graceful as I get older . I love her so much . I am lucky , so very lucky , to still have her in my life . 2 ) I have my DH . Now for those of you who have read mostly of the problems that I have had while dealing with his illness , it might be surprising to hear that I am so incredibly grateful to have him in my life . But before the bipolar really took hold , I could not imagine a more perfect mate for me . He 's kind , gentle , considerate , intelligent , creative , I could go on and on . And even though the bipolar gets me down , and I get angry and sad , my DH is still the same guy ( unless he 's " That Guy " , of course ) . Even though on a lot of days all he wants to do is lay in bed and watch TV , I have someone to go home to . I have someone who is very special . And I know that a huge number of people would willingly go through the bipolar stuff , if they could have the 5 years of amazing , breathtaking love that we had before that . Not only that , but I can dream of the day when his meds are right , his therapy is right , and I get him back . All back . Of course , it may never happen . But I know there are a lot of widows out there who would love that chance to hope once more . 3 ) I have DD . I 'm so proud of the young woman she is becoming . I know she still has many issues , and some of her actions are so upsetting to me . But she tries so hard , and really has a good heart , and even though she is a teenager now , she still wants to be like me , and I just want to teach her so much ! ! ! I am very lucky to have seen an " incorrigible " child who could barely read or write , change into a " good studentPosted by About three months ago , I was going through my " change jar " , pulling out all the " real silver " coins before I turned in the change to the bank . DD was very interested in what I was doing , and , as I think there are a lot of learning opportunities to be found by examining coins , I decided to show her the various foreign coins I have been collecting over the years . Some of them I have had since I was 8 or 9 years old , some of them showed up in the till when I was working at a convenience store , and some of them , I just don 't know where they came from . But I have some coins from all over the world - - England , Scotland , Japan , Malaysia , Mexico , Israel . . . you get the picture . One of my favorite coins of all was / is a coin from the Philippines . It is / was square , with four distinct sides . I 've had it since I was about DD 's age , and I really like that coin . I remember specifically showing her that one . Well , yesterday Jim gave me some paper money from Egypt ( they apparently no longer use coins there ) and so I went to show him all my other coins . And , you guessed it , the square one was gone . And boy am I angry . I know that she did not have a large window of opportunity to help herself . But I think she did have a chance , as I trusted her briefly ( my bad ) . I realized that I have no evidence . I doubt that DH took it , because if he was taking that money , he would 've taken all of the coins , not just a " cool " one . He has never been interested in " cool " coins except in spending them . Nobody else except DD knew I had those coins . And , as with the gold dollars , the foreign coins were locked in our bedroom except for that brief time when I showed them to DD . I keep trying to think of some other explanation . I don 't want to believe that she would do that . But she has done it before - - she was the first person to steal from me ( before DH did ) , but I had thought that she had grown up since then . I don 't want to make false accusations . I really really want to be wrong about this . I have looked in all the places where I could have mistakenly put itPosted by I have some very mixed feelings lately about our living situation . As you know , Jim is now staying with us for probably the next three months . That 's specifically what I have the mixed feelings about . Jim is a great guy . I like him a lot . He 's polite and super - helpful . He eats whatever I cook and he is appreciative . He 's done a LOT for us in the last few weeks . Probably the most important thing he 's done is get DH off his duff and participating more in life . And for that , both DH and I are grateful . He also built our new chicken / duck digs and fixed Frosty 's dog house and also fixed our deck , which was sinking into the ground like the Titanic . Just yesterday he started to gather firewood , he 's got about 2 cords gathered now . That 's wonderful , because I was thinking I was going to have to buy some to make it through the winter . I really appreciate everything he 's done . He 's stepped in to do a lot of the things that DH used to do , but isn 't able to right now . I can 't explain how grateful I am . On the other hand , we have a 2 - bedroom house . 2 baths . 7 ( or is it 8 ) indoor cats , 5 dogs . Frosty used to live outside until the neighbors complained about her barking - - that 's another post . . . . anyhow . . . . I absolutely hate having company . Even for a day or two . I hate the lack of privacy . I hate the fact that I can 't talk about husband - wife stuff anyplace but our bedroom . ( Not like we talk about anything risque , but sometimes I like to talk to DH without anyone else being there ) . Even when DH wasn 't having problems with bipolar , I hated company . I really get stressed out . Now that DH is having problems with the bipolar , I get more stressed out than ever . I go into the bedroom , there 's DH , as usual , lying on the bed , no room for me , watching TV . It doesn 't matter what time of day it is , that 's what our bedroom looks like . So no privacy there . And Jim is sleeping on the couch in the living room , no privacy there . And I used to really enjoy building up a hot fire and falling asleep on the couch , so that bugs me too . I could still fallPosted by I was afraid to do the math on this one , it seems so common - sense , but I 'm nervous about finding out exactly how little I actually " own " . I 'll let you know when I actually work the numbers . http : / / www . realestatejournal . com / buysell / mortgages / 20071105 - lavoie . htmlFrom The Wall Street Journal OnlineIf you look carefully at the staircase banister of the Elephant Hotel in Somers , N . Y . , you will notice a small cameo embedded there . Legend has it that it was placed on the handrail by the building 's 19th - century owner , Hachaliah Bailey , of Barnum and Bailey fame , as a subtle indication to all visitors that the building was paid for . Paying off a mortgage was no small feat then , especially if you weren 't a wealthy farmer and cattle merchant like Mr . Bailey . In fact , the word " mortgage " comes from French common law . Meaning " dead pledge , " it was a fixed and absolute debt and put home ownership out of reach for most people . Though it was easier to accomplish here in the U . S . than in Europe - - Americans had homesteading programs and did not have to contend with noble landowners loath to relinquish their holdings - - only 46 . 5 % of Americans owned their homes in 1900 , and that number declined a bit during the Depression . Today , according to the Census Bureau , about 66 % of us could put a cameo on our handrail . These days , when people have sent that last payment to the bank they celebrate by going on a long - put - off vacation or , most commonly , throwing a mortgage - burning party . Having just bought our house in Somers ( about six miles from the Elephant Hotel ) this year , my husband and I are a long way from the cameo or any sort of celebration . How long ? Well , I 'm afraid I needed to pay better attention in high - school algebra to figure that out , because we have both a fixed - rate term mortgage and a variable - rate equity loan . If your house costs X and it is Y square feet in size , what is your cost per square foot ( F ) ? You make a downpayment of 10 % . Your monthly mortgage payment is Z , but of that payment Q is interest . How much are you payiPosted by I 've mentioned a little bit about how I try to hide DH 's illness . There are a million reasons for this , I 'll try to explain some of them - - if you are dealing with a mentally ill person , you might have some of the same thoughts and feelings . First , DH wasn 't always like this . Three years ago , he was a regular guy who went to work every day , did lots of chores around the house , fixed things , was very romantic , very responsible , very conscientious . So the part of me that hopes says " So what 's to say that he won 't be that way again ? ? ? " If that is the case , if he does recover back to the point of being a responsible human being again , I don 't want people to judge him for what has been happening with his mental illness . Say , for example , the bills he has rung up in town . I know DH 's therapist doesn 't want me to " fix " them , but its really hard , because not only did DH " used to be " responsible , but I hope with all my heart that he will be again " someday " , and I don 't want people to think that he is anything but that . I mean , I don 't want them to say to themselves , " there goes Carol 's DH , he had some mental problems , " . And have that color their opinions of him . Or when he doesn 't follow through on things he used to do with great joy , I don 't want people to say , " he 's got some mental problems " - - I 'd much rather have them say " he didn 't get around to it " . . . . somehow in my mind , he can redeem himself for " not getting around to it " , but he can 't fix the " mental problems " stigma . And along those lines , I 'd also rather have them think that we are lazy ( our lawn hasn 't been cut all summer ) than to tell people that " DH has been ill and I 've been working 2 jobs and there just hasn 't been time to do stuff like that " . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not really very afraid of being known as the " woman with the mentally ill DH " . ( Being honest with myself , though , maybe I am a little . ) There are a lot of times I really wish I could tell everyone that " my DH is having mental problems and I 'm having a tough time handling it all , so please forgive me . Posted by |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Aaron looked around the hall where the museum was hosting a fundraiser . He 'd stayed away from politics and other related things for the past five years because he didn 't want to run into anyone from his former life . He 'd kept in contact with Dave that was it . He 'd cut the FBI out of his life and he really hadn 't regretted it . He taught classes at Georgetown and was happy . Jack had been living with him full time since cancer had taken Haley three years before . It had been caught way too late and there had been nothing that could have saved her . Aaron had paid for her hospice care and made sure that her last moments were spent with him and Jack . Beth was milling around . She was the reason he was here . A boarding school had opened up two years previous near Quantico and the fundraiser was for them . Aaron had wondered why it needed funds if it was a boarding school but then the truth of the place had come out . It was a boarding school for Mutants . It was the first active , known school for Mutants in the United States . One like it had opened up in London and had been doing wonderful . Aaron was happy that Mutants were becoming less and less hunted in the US . Mutants were not the scourge of the Earth . Aaron had hunted the worst of the worst and the cases that involved a Mutant being the UnSub had been on average one case per year . Cases against Mutants had averaged five per year . Aaron knew that something was up . The noise level at the front of the hall had picked up . He looked up just to see the doors being pulled shut by two men with ski masks on . There were nearly two dozen more scattered around . They all carried submachine guns . All of them pulled the triggers , guns pointed up . Aaron pulled Beth down with him , he settled on his haunches while the others dropped to their asses . He looked around . There was no security in the room . The UnSubs had been watching the room . They knew when to strike . It was a lot of them for a simple hold up . He itched to grab his gun but he wasn 't wearing either one of them . He heard someone shifting behind him but didn 't look . He didn 't want to take his eyes off the UnSubs . Aaron 's senses went on alert . The use of the word human shocked him . That meant two things , the masked men were mutants or were pro - humans . Neither was a good thing . The single empty handed man stepped up to the front of the group and looked out . He wasn 't wearing a mask . That was never good . Aaron was startled when a hand gripped his , opening the palm . He was getting ready to look when a gun was pressed into his hand and he knew what kind of gun it was from the cylinder . It was a revolver . Then the man behind him stood up and breezed past him . He 'd know that form anywhere . Spencer . " Stay where you are ! " The unmasked man called out . He tipped his head and five masked men separated from the group and moved towards him . The civilians scattered from them . " Check his holster . I don 't know if security let him keep his gun or not . " The first man to make it to Spencer parted his coat and shook his head . Spencer wasn 't armed because he gave the gun to Aaron . Aaron slipped the gun in his pants pocket and Beth saw him do it . The unmasked man looked down at the clipboard and then back up to the crowd . " Aaron Hotchner , former Unit Chief of the BAU . And Doctor Reid 's ex - lover . How fitting . " The man looked until he found Aaron . When their eyes locked , Aaron held in the shiver . The leader 's eyes lit up at the sight of him . " With Miss Beth Clemmons , the wonderful lady who made this possible . Thank you for getting Doctor Reid to accept this invitation to speak . " " Aaron ? " Beth asked . Aaron cursed silently . He 'd discussed that he 'd been in the FBI but never talked about what he 'd done . It hurt to do that . " No . See this is perfect . The whole world is going to know about this . Your precious Gambit will hear of this . He 'll know he couldn 't stop it and the last thing he 'll know about you is that you cheated . Kiss your ex boyfriend , Doctor Reid or Miss Clemmons dies . " Spencer turned to look at Aaron . There was pain in those eyes . Aaron stood up and Beth tried to pull him back down but a masked man separated from Spencer and grabbed her . Aaron lunged but the switching off of the safety of one of the guns stopped him . " He 'll come after the man that has turned down his proposal seventeen times ? How many more times are you going to do it , Doctor Reid ? How many times are you going to say no ? What are you going to do if he never asks again ? " Aaron 's head shot over to look at Spencer . Dowd . Was that for him ? He looked down at Spencer 's leg and saw him shift his right leg . Spencer had a secondary weapon there . There was no way that they could take out over twenty men armed with machine guns . What the hell was Spencer thinking ? The safety switched off several other guns and Aaron watched as Spencer was left alone and the guards surrounded Beth . He was shoved forward and nearly crashed into Spencer . Spencer steadied him . This was everything that Aaron wanted . Spencer leaned in and kissed him . It was a crushing of lips and it was over long before Aaron wanted it to be . Aaron opened his eyes that he wasn 't aware that he 'd closed and he looked into Spencer 's eyes . He couldn 't read the emotion in them . " You call that a kiss ? Two lovers separated by time and a death ? I 've kissed my mother 's dead corpse with more passion . " Jackson moved through the crowd and stopped beside Aaron . His machine gun raised up and Aaron could smell the gun oil from it . " Now Doctor Reid . Kiss your former lover and make it so that when Gambit sees this , he 's going to think you still love him . " Aaron looked at Jackson and then he saw that there was at least one of the masked men filming this . He looked back at Spencer and all he saw was darkness in his eyes . He didn 't know this Spencer . The younger man 's hand at the back of his neck startled him and then lips were crashing on his again . He gasped when his other hand gripped his hip and pulled him close . He was drowning in the feel of Spencer 's tongue inside of his mouth . It was heaven . Aaron reached out and pulled Spencer even closer using his hips . There was more muscle on his body . He felt the damn break in him . Everything he 'd kept locked away . The love he felt for the genius that was now in his arms again . He poured every single bit of that love into the kiss . The cat calls from the masked men were brushed from his mind . Aaron couldn 't feel a thing from Spencer . Oh , their tongues were tangled in the younger man 's mouth but there was no emotion . His body was relaxed like this was what he wanted but Aaron could feel the tenseness to his muscles . He was like a cat , ready to spring . His heart broke . There wasn 't an ounce of love in the kiss . The only blessing was that there wasn 't anger . Spencer jerked his face away from Aaron and it was only a split second before Aaron saw the butt of a gun flying towards him . There was a crack and then Spencer was going down . In a move that Aaron would have never believed , Spencer landed on his back , his leg coming up and his hands going down . Then before Jackson could even react , Spencer had the Glock in his hand and aimed . The single shot was deafening in the silent room . Jackson fell to the floor with a bullet hole in the center of his forehead . Before any of the masked men could react there was shattering glass and a weird noise . Aaron smelled ozone and then the noise sounded again . He drew the revolver from his pocket as Spencer spun , still on the ground and aimed at the masked men that had been holding Beth . She wasn 't there anymore . Women were screaming . It was chaos . " The X - Men are not in New York . Now Nightcrawler will be back in a few seconds and he 's going to take you someplace . Where you go depends … " Spencer stopped talking when the men dropped their guns , fell to their knees , hands behind their heads . Aaron looked around to see the place flooding with the mutants he saw on news clips . The doors were opened and many of the guests fled out into the hands of the waiting cops . The noise sounded again and Aaron saw two men standing there . He recognized Nightcrawler now . Blue skin with black leather over it . The other man though , Aaron didn 't recognize . He dropped to his knees beside Spencer and his hand reached up for his hurt cheek . " Don 't . " Aaron grabbed that hand and tried to shove the man back . He was young but he wasn 't weak . " I heard his bone crack . " " I know . " The man jerked his hand free of Aaron 's hold and then it was moving towards Spencer 's cheek again . " Doc wants me to make sure it 's iced before you start to talk . " " Fearless is keeping Wolverine and Gambit on getting the civilians calmed down as they flee . Nightcrawler has Miss Clemmons in a cop car at the edge of the blockade . I 'm on Spencer duty . " Spencer laughed and his eyes sparkled . The sound of running feet drew Aaron 's gaze up and he braced but all he saw was the team . Morgan , Dave , Garcia , JJ , and two others he didn 't recognize but he really didn 't look at them . " Hotch . Man , are you all right ? " Morgan asked as he stopped beside Spencer . He looked down at the younger man but didn 't crouch down . Garcia though dropped down to her knees with JJ . JJ took the ice from the man with a leather gloved hand and the man smiled and stood up . " Thanks , Iceman ! " Dave called out and then he looked down at Spencer . " You said that he wouldn 't miss the chance . You were right kid . " " How are you doing , Hotch ? " A familiar voice asked . Aaron looked at the younger of the two other women and that 's when he knew her . It was Ashley Seaver . Her now brown hair had confused him . He looked at the other woman , he didn 't know her . " You don 't … " JJ stopped and Aaron looked down to see that Spencer was trying to stand up . Garcia was trying to hold him down but he shoved up despite what she wanted . JJ came up with him , holding the ice there . " Doctor Reid ! " A voice called out . The entire team turned to see a man standing in what was now a pretty empty hall . Aaron recognized him . Cyclops , the leader of the X - Men . " Incoming ! " The man was smiling like a loon . The sound of claws on tile drew Aaron 's gaze to a broken window at the top of the hall . A flash of brilliant blue and then wings . When what looked like a dragon was five feet away from Spencer there was a shift and then a small child was in Spencer 's arms . A flash of face told Aaron it was a she . " Aurora , who did you hitchhike with ? " Spencer asked as he cupped the back of the child 's head . The child didn 't answer though . She just buried her head in his neck and cried . " What the hell is going on ? " Hotch asked . He raised his hand and realized he still had Spencer 's gun . Dave held out his hand and Aaron handed it over . Spencer 's backup was in JJ 's hands inside an evidence bag . Aaron watched as the rest of the team left . Garcia hugged him and JJ smiled . Dave ushered him over to a table and they sat down . There were mutants and humans milling everywhere . Dave paid them no mind . " The man we met in Las Vegas ? That James ? Wolverine of the X - Men . We didn 't find that out until much later . The letter detailed that someone was targeting and killing mutants across all fifty states . Like clockwork every single day at noon local time one was dying . Whoever sent the letter knew that his guard 's name and that who he lived with worked with the BAU . Once we were able to confirm that the method of death in three cases was the same and that it crossed state lines , the BAU stepped in . Then the X - Men did as well . We were able to figure out the states but not the cities . That was guesswork until Reid found the pattern . " By this point in time , we 'd got used to Shadow as we all called him . No matter what , he waited in the cities we had cases in , in Reid 's hotel room at night , even when we had to double up . It was a psychotic mutant . He was stealing powers . He thought that Reid was a mutant since he was able to track down his pattern and set a trap . Morgan and I broke into the hotel room where he had Reid tied up and was about to cut out his heart . The room started to glow pink . We were shocked . Shadow stood up from where he 'd been knocked out it looked like . He had deck of cards in his hand and five in the other . The five were glowing pink . " " Yes . To say that Morgan and I were shocked was an understatement but Reid wasn 't . He told Gambit not to miss and singe his hair . The UnSub charged at Gambit and in the end he was dead with a knife in his heart . After that it wasn 't hard to get the truth . Wolverine was worried that Foyet would pay to have Reid killed for besting him . Gambit is on guard duty until the needle is placed in Foyet 's arm . " " That started about a year after you left . Well , that 's when Reid actually said yes to a date with him . That man courted him something fierce . When the Bureau found out he was a mutant , they tried to take him into custody . That was laughable . The end result was that Reid was appointed the liaison between mutants and the FBI . It didn 't take long for the X - Men to approach and talk to him . Cyclops , Phoenix , Storm , Beast , and Wolverine showed up at Quantico to talk to him . " " The X - Men were escorted into the round table room . We didn 't even know that Gambit was in the building . Wolverine kept himself back while Cyclops and Reid talked . It took two hours of conversation that few of us understood . Beast chimed in from time to time as did the girls but Wolverine was silent . Finally , Cyclops lost his temper and slammed his fist down on the table . Reid had told us not to step in , no matter what . He crowded Reid into the corner and then he was on his ass . " " Reid put him there . Seems that Gambit had been training him in fighting . Reid leaned on what I 've learned is called a bo staff . Gambit 's signature weapon that isn 't his power . He has a retractable one and had another made for Spencer . Whatever metal it 's made from , doesn 't show up on detectors . Every single X - Man recognized it . Then Gambit entered the room . That 's when Wolverine stood up and hugged Spencer . " " That bit about the proposals ? That 's the truth . That man is so in love with Reid but none of us can figure out what is stopping the kid from saying yes . I know that this has to hurt . That footage ? It was being broadcasted . We were all outside watching . Gambit wanted to gut Jackson . I could tell the second that you figured out that Reid wasn 't harboring feelings for you anymore , not active ones . You need to get your head in the right place . " " Lapis ? She 's five and Reid adopted her two years ago . We caught a stalking case only it turned out to be a lot more than what we thought . She was being stalked by a mutant who wanted the child . She was running from him and before we could track her down , the mutant killed her but never got the location . She was super smart , a geneticist . Left clues for Reid to find the daughter . She became attached to him and he adopted her after she 's fled the home of the X - Men for the third time and traveled a few states to get to him . Right now , he 's the face of the mutant movement in the United States . There are those who want him pulled since he 's obviously in a relationship with a former X - Man but the rest of America and the world are in love with their love story . Gambit 's a probationary agent . He can get into most places and carries a badge . " " Exactly . Foyet has threatened Reid in seven letters and to whoever will listen . He 's nearly forgotten about you . This last letter had a drawing of what he 's going to do to Lapis . " " Her name is Lapis ? " Aaron 's head was swimming . He needed to get away . He needed to get away from it all . To get home to Jack and where he was safe . Where he could process everything . " That 's the name the public knows . Her birth name is Aurora . Her powers manifested at the age of one when her father was murdered by the mutant after her . " " I need to go . " Aaron stood up and blindly walked until he found the exit . He heard Dave calling after him but all he saw was Beth sitting in the back of a police car with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders . She was up and in his arms before he could blink . He heard Morgan 's voice but he ignored him . Pulling Beth to the car , he found his keys in his pocket and pushed them into her hands . She nodded . Aaron knew that he had to have zoned out because it wasn 't long before they were pulling up outside his apartment . He could see the lights on . Jessica was still awake . He wondered if she had seen the news . He hoped that Jack hadn 't . Spencer watched as Aaron fled the museum . He looked out and found Kurt . The man nodded and then disappeared . Tonight had been horrible . He 'd known that Beth and Aaron were dating but he hadn 't thought she 'd bring him . It had never entered his mind . Then Jackson realized it . " Cher ? " Remy asked as he stepped up behind him . Aurora was asleep in his arms . The little girl had cried herself to sleep in Remy 's arms while Spencer had given his statement to the FBI agents on hand from Domestic Terrorism . Jackson 's group had been labeled terrorists a year before . He was just happy the man was dead . " I 'm fine , Remy . Beast doesn 't think my cheek is more than fractured . As soon as I am cleared , I 'm going to the hospital to get it scanned . Morgan and JJ are going to go with me . How did she get here ? " " Hitched a ride wit ' Nightcrawler . She knew somet ' ing was going on and when he brought Remy from de house , she shifted and latched onto his clothes . Den when we broke in de windows , she came through . She saw y ' get hurt and waited . Fearless caught sight o ' her scales . " " Remy 'll stay and make sure dat no one has issues . Y ' go get looked at . I 'll have m ' Stormy take care of de petit . " Aaron entered the small diner that had the address that Spencer had texted him a week before . It wasn 't hard to miss the two mutants in the corner , watching him . He took a seat that gave him the best view of the entire place as well as good eye line on the entrance to the parking lot . He wanted to be upset about the mutant guards who were to watch him but he wasn 't . The roar of a motorcycle was loud and drew his attention from looking at the menu to see a man riding up on a bike with two vehicles trailing behind it . He recognized Wolverine as soon as he moved off the bike . The car parked beside the bike with the jeep parking on the other side of the car . Spencer got out of the passenger side of the car while a man that Aaron now recognized as Gambit got out of the driver 's side . Three people jumped out of the jeep . He recognized Cyclops from his sunglasses and the woman beside him was his wife , Phoenix . The other woman was Storm . The back door on the car opened and a blue man stepped out . He recognized him as Nightcrawler , the teleporter . He 'd done his research on everything Spencer in the two weeks since the night of the attempted kidnapping of the young genius . Beth had talked to him about everything she knew . She also understood his intention wasn 't to push her away but that he needed to know . Gambit was staring at him and he knew it but he didn 't change what he was doing at all . Spencer pushed at his chest until he sat down on the hood of the car . Wolverine stepped up to sit beside him and Storm moved to stand in front of him . Phoenix moved with Spencer into the diner . She moved over to sit with the two other mutants and Spencer sat down across from him . " We are driving to Nevada after this . Logan , Scott , and Remy want to be there days before . I want to drive to and from so it 's become a road trip . " Spencer didn 't look happy about that . " So you are going ? " Aaron knew what he was talking about . He still hadn 't made his own decision on whether he was going to go . Massachusetts didn 't have the death penalty but a little bit of fun with legalities had Nevada giving him the death penalty for all the crimes he committed . There were a few groups that were protesting but the majority of America wanted George Foyet where he could harm no one . The waitress came and took their drink order . Aaron wasn 't shocked when Spencer ordered coffee . There was silence until she brought back the drinks and then seeming to understand what exactly was going on , she went into the kitchen . " I … When we went our ways after the goodbye dinner , I told myself that I was happy with it . I understood it but I was lying to myself and I know that now . I hoped that I could come back and slip into your life . I also know the secret that you are keeping from even the team , Spencer . " " You can take the profiler out of the job . " Spencer looked behind him at Gambit with a smile on his face that Aaron had never seen before . It was the smile of a man so totally in love that it hurt for others to see him like that . There had been a time that Aaron wanted to have Spencer look at him like that . Aaron knew then that it was better the way that it was . " Beth was offered a job in Hong Kong . Jack and I are going to go with her . Jack 's looking forward to school over there . He 's spent the past two weeks looking things up . " " I always knew who Beth 's boyfriend was . She just called you Aaron but … Logan and Scott keep an eye on you so that you can 't be used against me . Jackson was the first to try it but now there may be others . Hong Kong could be a really good move . I 'll get you some information on friends there who could help if something does go down . " " One of New York 's SWAT teams has a mutant on staff now that can remotely see into rooms using only her abilities . Closed windows mean nothing . The only thing that she can 't see into is bank vaults and other places with super thick walls . It 's not X - Ray vision like Superman either . It 's full color . Coast Guard employs seven different mutants country wide who can go to depths that human 's have trouble with and can breath with no equipment . Do you know what that means ? The rescuer can take a tank of air down to search for survivors and slowly come up to stop bends and the likes . Or find wreckage , bodies for swifter better recovery . It was a six month decision but in the end , it was the fact that I was dating a mutant that locked in the decision . I 'm human . I was tested thoroughly with my IQ , reading speed , and memory . The Director figured that if the FBI did anything that would have me turning my back on humans , well they deserved whatever came to them . It 's caused issues on a few cases but it 's died down . There was a case in New Mexico about three months after it was announced . The press was dogging the team so much that in the end we were pulled another team sent in . When the case was finally solved , the FBI blamed the additional eighteen deaths on the hands of the press . " " Does your team get all the mutant cases now ? Victim and UnSub ? " Aaron sipped at his coffee while Spencer seemed to not really want his . He was warming his hands on it more than anything else . He was nervous and so nervous he was afraid of lifting his drink . " Yes . Until the theta team is restructured in two months . They were pulled and two members went willingly to other teams . Two mutants are going through the academy right now and Burrows , Anderson , and Grimes went back as well . They are going as a team , living in the same dorm and training totally together . Our first full joint team . Remy is helpful but other teams borrow him as much as he goes out with us . Mutants watch everywhere and sometimes are more willing to talk to other Mutants when they see things . Remy goes everywhere that a reluctant mutant is a witness or a victim if it 's not a case that 's going after mutants as a whole victim profile . " " Garcia has a new best friend . A technopath that came out of the academy six months ago . Stole him from the NSA . When she needs things that are not on the up and up she calls him up . He mainly works with counter terrorism but the BAU borrows him on occasion . " Spencer lifted his coffee to his lips and took a healthy drink of it . " We are not . Garcia and Rossi have already planned a wedding for Rossi 's backyard . It 's going to be in the same theme as JJ and Will 's . We got married in Vegas the first time I went back after mom . Logan and Ororo were out witnesses . It was spur of the moment and not something I regret . Remy asking me is a running joke at this point and the team expects one every few months . " Watching George Foyet 's eyes close as he died gave Spencer only a sense of utter relief . Remy was outside the prison with Logan . The rest of the X - Men were at the hotel . The rest of the team was scattered around . Aaron had come . Beth had as well but she 'd stayed outside with Remy and Logan . It was a packed room . The press outside was massive . The death of the Boston Reaper was a nationwide event . Spencer knew that he wasn 't any safer than he had been before Foyet had died . There were still so many threats against him . Aurora was safe at the school in the DC area but he 'd be targeted for her and for Remy . His love for the mutant had grown like a carefully tended garden . He 'd thought after what had happened with Aaron that he would never let someone into his heart again but Remy had slipped in like a weed and grown into a beautiful flower that never wilted . When the curtain was pulled back so the needles could be removed from the body , the talking started then . Spencer let the words wash over him . " Papa , Jack said he 's going to live in Japan . Can we go visit him there ? " Aurora asked as she appeared behind Logan , standing on the hood of the car they 'd taken to the prison . " My house and all that shit , " Logan said with a smile . The group piled into their vehicles with Ororo and Aurora going with Aaron , Beth , and Jack to Binion 's . It was going to take a lot of time to get the friendship fully back between them but hopefully Aaron fully committing to Beth meant that he really had finally moved on . Spencer was happy that he was allowing himself to be happy . Share this : TweetShare on TumblrPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Criminal Minds / X - Men . Tagged Aaron Hotchner / Beth Clemmons , Choices , Spencer Reid / Remy LeBeau Choice of Secrets Summary : Aaron Hotchner had a choice to make . He stared at the picture with the words OR and CHOOSE on it . He did but now he 's lost everything in the process . Notes : Main basis of the story , Foyet going after Spencer is based on my idea but the rest with the picture and him having to choose is all thanks to chapter 27 of Rivermoon1970 's My Addiction story . I was thinking about that story and then thought of it and asked her if I could borrow a small part of it and play with it . This goes AU in Nameless , Faceless . " Where are my clothes ? " Aaron was having trouble concentrating . Prentiss pulled the bag that had all of his things in them , including his bloody shirt . He grabbed the manila envelope and started to go through it . His credentials were first and inside it was a photo of Jack and Haley . He sighed and leaned back . There were bloody finger prints on the photo . " Haley 's maiden man is Brooks . I always listed her in the Bs in my personal information in case it fell into the wrong hands . He knows where they live . " Morgan , Dave , and JJ left him with Prentiss and all he could do was stare at the picture . He finally pulled it out of his credentials and that 's when he noticed something else tucked behind his FBI ID . He pulled it out . He knew exactly what it was . He didn 't need to unfold the second picture and he didn 't want to , not with Prentiss still in the room . He tucked the photo back where it had been and slipped his credentials under his hip . When he came out of his flashbacks to the night before , Prentiss was still not back in the room . He grabbed his credentials and pulled the photo out . He knew exactly where and when the picture had been taken . It had come out of his book at his bedside . Garcia had taken the picture on the way back from a case years before . Jason had been telling a story that had everyone on the plane laughing , him included . Spencer had been sitting beside him and the younger man was laughing so hard that he 'd almost fallen out of his seat . Aaron had grabbed him to stop his fall . Garcia had snapped the picture then and Spencer was looking up at him with such a happy look on his face . The tech analyst had given Spencer the picture to send to his parents . Back before the team knew the truth of his parents . His mother being in a sanitarium and his father out of the picture . Back then Aaron had never understood why he had found the picture in the trash . He 'd kept a hold of it to give to him but then cases got in the way , life got in the way . The Fisher King case came about and Aaron had wondered why Spencer never sent for his father . But that was something he kept to himself . Then the case in Vegas and the whole team knew the truth . Aaron had been happy he was in Quantico when the whole truth of Spencer 's family life came about . He wasn 't sure that he would have left Las Vegas without punching William Reid in the face . Of course , Aaron had long come to terms with his love for the genius by then . He 'd figured it out on a car ride back to the BAU with Spencer riding shotgun while they talked about everything but the elephant in the car , his divorce and Haley wanting him to sign the papers uncontested . The first hour of the drive was him trying to figure out why he had provoked Hardwicke into trying to fight him . While he told Spencer it was the divorce it was more that he wanted to save Spencer the pain of trying to fend off the murderer . The picture had been found again by him just after the divorce had been finalized . He 'd started using it as a bookmark then . It was always in the center of the page , stuck in the spine so for Foyet to have found it , he 'd have to have looked for it . OR was wrote in the top in blood with CHOOSE under it in pen . He knew what the killer meant . He had a choice to make . It wasn 't even a contest . Haley and Jack needed to go into WitSec . Spencer was a Federal Agent . He would be easy to protect . The only problem was , how was he going to tell him ? Spencer was currently in surgery a few floors away for the shot to his leg . He understood why Prentiss had kept his status from the rest of the team but she 'd tried to keep Spencer 's status from him . He wasn 't an idiot , the case had been wrapped , there was no reason that the genius wouldn 't have been there . Ignoring the question just put him more on edge until she had finally let it slip . He was still so pissed at her for that but the hospital was no place for that discussion . Aaron just wanted to know one thing . How had Foyet figured out that he loved the younger man ? There was no way he could tell anyone . He 'd just have to keep a closer eye on him . Showing anyone the picture would just bring up a lot of questions he couldn 't , wouldn 't answer . He 'd just have to make sure that Spencer was safe without tipping off the genius . Aaron was the first to the house . He didn 't know what he expected to see . Foyet hadn 't called and taunted him . What was his endgame ? Gun drawn , Aaron entered the living room to see Haley sitting on the couch with Jack playing with toy soldiers on the coffee table . Haley looked up at him in shock . Her hand flew to her mouth . " Dad ! " Aaron leaned down and pulled his son into his arms . Jack hugged him and he couldn 't help but hug him tight . " Dad , you are hugging me too hard . " " Sorry , buddy . I just missed you . Do you and mommy want to come to work with me ? " Aaron looked at Haley and she nodded . She at least understood some of what was going on . They would have to grab the car seat from Haley 's car . He 'd get the seat changed over while they stayed in the house . The team was on their way . He 'd wait for them , but then they were leaving . The squeal of tires told him that Morgan had pulled up , he was the only one that he knew could get that noise from SUV tires . Morgan and Dave were the first in the house and when they saw Aaron standing with Jack in his arms and Haley behind him , they smiled . JJ and Prentiss were right behind and JJ popped back out and yelled ' Clear . ' Then the solid thump of Spencer and his cane sounded on the entryway . Jack wiggled in his arms to be put down . Jack had been able to see everyone on the team before he 'd had to leave into witness protection , except for Spencer . " Uncle Spencer ! " Jack ran at him but stopped when he saw the cane . " You got hurt ? " The little boy looked on the verge of tears . His hand reached out and touched his leg . " I did Jack but I 'm getting better . " Spencer looked up at Aaron and then at Haley . " Why don 't you come with me and we 'll see about getting something to drink ? " Jack smiled and nodded , taking off for the kitchen . Spencer nodded at Aaron and then he was heading towards the kitchen . " I don 't know . There were ten minutes where he could have finished his plan . Did something spook him ? " Aaron didn 't understand why Foyet hadn 't come in and tried to kill his ex - wife and son . Foyet was playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse with him and he didn 't like it but the killer was staying at least two steps ahead . He wondered not for the first time if he should tell team the truth . It was too late though . There was nothing more they could do except for put Spencer into WitSec as well and he doubted the younger man would go . " We need to talk to the neighbors . I want a CSU team to go over the house , just to be safe . " " It was Foyet and Foyet killed Kassmeyer . I got to his house and rode with him to the hospital but he died . Haley , I need you to talk to Emily . She can go over with you everything that Foyet said to you . I 'll call the Marshall Service and we 'll get you and Jack back into protective custody . " " Yes . If he hadn 't attached himself to Aaron it could have been anyone . Aaron did what he was supposed to but Foyet took it as a challenge . He wants to destroy Aaron 's life and that starts with the two of you . " Aaron sighed as Emily walked with Haley up the stairs . It was horrifying to think that if Foyet had gone after her and Jack , he would have been too late . He could have lost them both but there was one single bright spot in all of this . Spencer was safe for the time being . He sighed in relief that he wasn 't going to lose it all . Spencer was looking over a consult for the Bangor Police Department . He sighed as it was a case that could easily become a BAU case if the arsonist wasn 't caught soon . So far no deaths had been reported but with the escalation of the fires , it would just be a matter of time . The ringing of his cell phone drew him out of his profile of the arsonist . He looked at the caller ID and his heart froze . It was Bennington . Spencer grabbed the phone , knocking over his pencil holder . That drew the gaze of Prentiss over to him but he didn 't care . " Spencer , " Doctor Norman started . Spencer wanted to run . He wanted to drop the phone and run . There was something wrong with his mom . Doctor Norman never called him Spencer . His mom had made sure that everyone knew they should call him by his title once she 'd started speaking to him again after he 'd committed her . " Spencer , Diana . She passed in the night , Spencer . We are performing an autopsy , with your approval . She started complaining of not feeling well and well , there is a stomach flu going around and with her vomiting and stomach cramps , we confined her to her room and then this morning on rounds . I 'm so sorry , Spencer . " " Yes , please . Perform one . I just talked to her a few days ago . " Spencer knew that the second he was alone , he was going to break down but right now , right now he was in the middle of the bullpen and he needed to keep it together . " I 'll be catching the next flight out . We are not on a case at the moment . " " Thank you . " Spencer hung up and stared . He stared at his computer monitor . He could hear noises around him and he didn 't care . His mom was dead . She 'd been just fine when he 'd talked to her last . He dropped off all the letters he 'd written his mom during the case in Nashville just this morning . The staff at Bennington was going to be upset when they got them . He needed to remember to tell them any letters from him that they received could just be thrown away . He needed his go bag . Thankfully he 'd washed all his clothes in it the night before and restocked it . It was in his locker . " Reid ? " Prentiss asked . The tone of her voice told Spencer that it wasn 't the first time she had asked . He forced himself to look at her . She looked concerned . He didn 't answer her . Instead he stood up and moved towards Hotch 's office , thankful that the older man was in there . The door was open so he didn 't knock , he just entered and shut the door behind him . Hotch looked up at him confused . " I 'm going to Vegas . I need to catch the next flight out . " Spencer wasn 't sure that he could say the words aloud . He needed to get away from here . He needed to see it for himself . " What happened ? " Hotch was up and around his desk before Spencer could even process what was going on . He reached out and Spencer moved out of reach . " Reid ? " " I need leave . I don 't know how long . I don 't know how long it 's going to take to take care of all of her things . I … " " Please , Hotch . I just need to get out of here . Please don 't tell anyone until I am gone . I can 't take the pity and the looks . I need to get out there . She was sick but nothing that was life threatening . " Spencer was never so thankful that Hotch understood him . He moved to his desk and grabbed his things , ignoring Prentiss and now JJ . He saw Rossi standing at the upper deck of the bullpen for a second before he moved to Hotch 's office but Spencer didn 't care . Next stop was the locker room for his bag and then he was gone . He shut off his phone as he boarded the subway . He 'd turn it back on when he got to Vegas . He didn 't need to hear the words from his friends right now . Hotch was correct . He had a ticket waiting on him , first class and everything was cleared for him to take his gun with him and it was one of the easiest commercial flights he 'd ever been on . He sat in his seat and stared ahead . His mind running over all his memories of his mother . Memories that didn 't involve his father . There were so many but unfortunately , the one that kept coming around was seeing his mom being escorted into the bullpen by agents during the Fisher King case . When he walked into the rental car place attached to the airport , Spencer was shocked to see a man seemingly recognize him . He wasn 't a worker though . No , he was in a suit . Spencer immediately was on edge until the man flashed a badge at him . " Doctor Reid , we have a Bureau vehicle for you to use while you are here , " the agent said as he stepped closer . He handed over a set of keys with a wane smile . " Agent Rossi called ahead and we are prepared to do anything that you need . " A card was next the man didn 't hand it over though , he just flashed it at him . " Thank you , Agent Chance . " Spencer filed the direct cell number from the card away and turned to look outside . There were two Bureau SUVs sitting outside . One had another person in it . Whoever was there to pick up Agent Chance . " Agent Rossi also has you a room booked in the Bellagio . He told me to tell you that if you don 't use it , he 'll make your life a living hell when you get back . Also that you have enough to worry about and where you sleep isn 't one of them . " " I want to pass on my own condolences and remember , if you need anything . Just give me a call . " Then Spencer was alone . Agent Chance didn 't even look back . The SUV was normal , routine . He 'd driven one more over the last five years than his own Amazon . It was a piece of normalcy that he hadn 't known he wanted until he 'd seen it . He was so thankful to Rossi at the moment . He and Hotch had done things he hadn 't even thought about . He 'd left DC with no thought of where he was going to stay in Vegas . He hadn 't stayed at the house in years when visiting . The only thing of his childhood that he hadn 't gotten rid of that had bad memories for him . He just hadn 't been able to part with the house . A service checked on the house once a month as well as took care of the bills for heating in the winter and cooling in the summer just to keep the house livable . Pushing thoughts of the house out of his mind , Spencer got into the driver 's seat . He drove the familiar streets , his memory wouldn 't allow him to forget them but this was still something that his mind knew better than anything else . He grew up on these streets . Bennington came into view long before he was ready for it . He parked in his normal spot and got out of the SUV . He barely remembered to grab his messenger bag . He expected to find a nurse at the station but instead , Doctor Norman was waiting . he had piece of paper in his hand and was staring at the door . " Spencer , we … the doctor found leukonychia striata on your mother 's fingers . So we tested urine from her bladder . Arsenic . I locked down her room . I figured you would want to go through it just in case before we called the cops . We are testing all residents urine for arsenic as well . " Poisoned ? Spencer couldn 't believe it . Who would want to kill his mother ? Spencer followed Doctor Norman to his mom 's room , as he moved he pulled a pair of gloves from his bag . He slid them on as he stepped into the room . Everything was perfectly in place . It looked exactly like it had every other time he 'd ever stepped foot inside . He just stood there and looked around . It was hard to look at his mother 's room like he would a victim 's . The boxes with his letters were stacked where they are always were . Half an hour later , Spencer sat down in his mother 's armchair in the corner . There was nothing . The person who had poisoned her had left nothing . Shifting to sit back , Spencer felt something poke him in the back . Leaning forward , he grabbed at a picture frame that was jammed between cushion and chair . It was a picture of him and his mom in the bullpen . JJ had snapped the picture just before they 'd gone to the airport . But what he couldn 't look away from was the Eye of Providence in the middle of the picture . His blood ran cold . Spencer dropped the frame and grabbed his cane , pushing himself up out of the chair . He needed to talk to Doctor Norman . He needed to call the team . He needed to call Chance . There was so much racing through his mind . Doctor Norman was standing just outside the room looking at papers . " I need this room locked down . No one but me in and out until the CSU team gets here . I need to see the visitor logs for mom as well as all the IDs copied . I 'll need to get out analyst access to the security footage for all visitor areas . The rest of my team will be here as soon as possible . " Doctor Norman didn 't even question it , he just nodded and moved away from him . Spencer 's first call was to Chance , getting a CSU team to Bennington as soon as possible . He took a picture of the picture , his gloves still on and sent it to the rest of the team before he called Hotch 's cell phone . There was silence on the other end of the phone and Spencer waited . Then he heard the gasp . A crinkle of noise and then he could hear Hotch 's breathing . " She doesn 't have an approved visitor list . That way students of her 's can come and visit her and not have to go through me . After the Fisher King case , Doctor Norman put in added security measure for her and that was all visitors have their ID copied and it goes into a file . He 's getting the file for me . I 've been through her room with gloves and I can 't see that anything is missing . I also can 't find the B page from your address book but I 've not looked through all of mom 's books yet . The frame … " Spencer stopped and turned to look at his mom 's room . She hated having pictures out . " Get here quick . " Spencer walked back to the room as quick as his leg would allow and leaned down to pick up the frame . He jerked the back off the frame , nearly breaking it . The photo fluttered to the ground , his own face staring at him . He picked it up and with the light from the windows , he saw something was written on the back . When he flipped it over he saw it was two words . Two words in big , black , blocky letters . Two words that stopped his heart . He didn 't even notice his cane falling to the floor . Aaron wasn 't shocked when the rest of the team appeared in his office at the same time . He saw that Spencer had sent the picture to all of them . He stood up from his desk and moved to the front of it . " Foyet poisoned Diana Reid . Garcia , Reid is getting you access to security footage . We are going to be in the air as soon as we can . " The shock was the only thing keeping the team from badgering him for answers that he didn 't have . Twenty minutes later , after a quick call to Strauss telling her of Foyet 's attack on Spencer and the death of his mother . Getting her to delay the bereavement leave that he had just finished filing for the younger man . The team was finally in the air . " From what Reid told me , anyone could visit Diana in Bennington . She didn 't want to cut off her students access . In the wake of the Fisher King case all visitors had to give ID to be copied to see her . Right now we are working off the assumption that it 's how he gained access to her . A CSU team is on route to Reid 's location . He used Arsenic to kill her . " " Why would Foyet go after Reid 's mom ? " Morgan asked . He looked at Aaron with such confusion on his face . " He 's been focused on you ! " Aaron couldn 't answer . He 'd not even entertained the thought of Foyet going after Spencer 's family . It made twisted , perfect sense . If Foyet killed him , it would hurt but he 'd probably move on . Removing the possibility of Spencer and him as a couple , removing the chance that Spencer would even want to be with him but keeping Spencer in his life ? It was torture that would last forever . How could he admit this to the team ? To Spencer ? He 'd chosen his bed , he 'd have to lie in it now . No matter Foyet 's endgame . Right now he needed to keep his head in the game to keep this from falling out even more . He needed to be ready for the taunt . Foyet had to be in Vegas still . He was waiting for Aaron to arrive to see the aftermath of his deadly game . For four hours , the team bounced ideas and plans back and forth . What they needed to do when they landed . JJ was going to head to the local office and get set up . Everyone else was going to Bennington . There would be two SUVs waiting for them at the airstrip . When the call for seatbelts came across , Aaron was never more thankful . This was unlike any case they had ever worked before . No one could settle . There was no calm before the storm . When Aaron disembarked last , he was shocked to see Spencer standing by a fourth SUV . There was a man beside him and three others by the third SUV . Aaron didn 't know what was up but his heart felt hollow . Spencer had an evidence bag in his hand . Spencer wanted to march over and demand answers from Hotch but he knew that wouldn 't go over well . JJ ran to him and hugged him . Spencer allowed it but he didn 't answer any questions . Instead he took a hug from Prentiss and a shoulder squeeze from Rossi and Morgan . Hotch didn 't move towards him at all . He held up the picture for everyone to see . Hotch 's eyes flared briefly . Finally , he turned the evidence bag over and handed it over to his superior . " What does ' Ask Aaron ' mean ? " Spencer asked . He watched as Rossi and Prentiss leaned over to see the back of the photo . Hotch 's face went white with the question . He did know something . The older man stumbled back from the group , nearly falling over the stairs . Spencer looked back at Chance who nodded and turned to talk to his team . He 'd asked them here just in case . He said that unless they got into a knockdown drag out to stay back but that he might not want to be around his team when they landed . " What does Foyet mean Hotch ? " " Haley and Jack 's picture wasn 't the only one hiding in my credentials . . There was one of you . It had written on it ' Or ' and ' CHOOSE ' . ' I made the choice to send Haley and Jack away hoping he 'd focus on them . " Hotch was still looking at the words on the back of the photo . He was talking softly like he couldn 't believe any of it but the whole team heard him . The others were shocked . Spencer felt a band on his heart lessen . Everyone hadn 't been lying to him . That thought had hurt more than any other . " He was going after them ! He killed Kassmeyer ! " " I 've been going over it my head . Why me ? Has he gotten tired of you ? Of playing with you ? He goes after those who challenge him . I 've not done a thing to him . So that means he 's still going after you . Rossi is your best friend . Why not go after him ? Or Sean ? " Spencer leaned forward but kept both of his hands on his cane . " Now is not the time for secrets , Hotch . Your secrets killed my mother . Now why the fuck did George Foyet go after me by killing my mother ? " " I thought you were safe ! He … " Hotch stopped and looked at everyone on the team . The look on his face told Spencer that the man hadn 't meant to say that . He had known that Foyet was going to go after him . The others knew it too , now . " I never wanted anyone to know . There was no way for me to tell anyone he was threatening Reid without revealing too much . If I told the truth , I would loose everything . " " You aren 't making any sense , " Spencer said . Rossi and Prentiss moved closer to Hotch , flanking him on either side . Morgan stayed at Spencer 's left while JJ moved in even closer on his right . Her hand landed on top of his on his cane . Spencer wasn 't expecting , and judging by the looks on their other 's faces , neither were they , Hotch to step forward and grab Spencer 's face to kiss him . Spencer just stood there in shock . When Hotch pulled back , he could see so many emotions in the older man 's eyes and on his face . The most overwhelming was the love there . It had always been Spencer 's wildest dream that Hotch would love him back . This was not how he wanted to find out though . There was nothing of this moment in his dreams . Spencer didn 't want to hear it . Hotch had taken away his choice in the matter . Haley had known it all , but he hadn 't even know that he was in danger . He never thought of himself as a violent person but the urge to take a swing was too big for him to ignore . The only thing , Spencer thought , that allowed him to be able to actually hit Hotch was that no one expected him to actually take a swing at him . With his bad leg and the momentum of his swing , he lost his balance and both him and Hotch hit the concrete . He landed on top of his boss and just kept swinging . On the second one , he felt bones break but he didn 't care . It was the fourth swing that he finally felt someone grabbing him to pull him off the man he was on top of . He recognized the sound of Morgan 's voice but couldn 't understand a single word he was saying . All he could hear was Hotch 's words over and over . Hotch stayed on the ground and was just staring at Spencer but he didn 't care . His hand hurt and he wanted to get away from the man as soon as he could . He shook Morgan 's hands off of him and started away from the team . Chance had the the door to the back driver 's seat door open for him . The other agent shut the door as soon as he was settled . He only felt the pain in his heart and his hand but he knew that he 'd walked on his leg without his cane . Looking out the window , he saw JJ walking towards the SUV with it but Chance met her halfway . She said something and he nodded . " Well , Reid , I had a call from Section Chief Strauss while you were talking to your team . She is unaware of course of what happened at the air strip but she wanted to let me know that for the time being , I am your bodyguard . She 's calling the rest of the team next to tell them . " " Thank you , Chance . I 'll call Strauss when we get to the hospital . I need to talk to her about a few things as well . " Spencer knew that once Foyet was taken down , he needed a leave of absence . He needed distance and time to grieve and he wasn 't going to be able to do that while hunting his mother 's killer . He wasn 't going to make an rash decisions at the moment . Aaron pushed himself up from the ground . He could feel the blood running from his nose . The team was watching as Spencer rode away in a car that none of them were in . Spencer needed space and Aaron was going to make sure that he had it , from him and the team if he needed . He 'd felt his nose break on the second hit at the same time he heard several bones in Spencer 's hand break as well . Dave was the first to turn around and look at him . There was anger in his eyes but worry as well . " Start at the beginning , Aaron . " " I found the picture just after you , JJ , and Morgan went to get Haley and Jack . I knew what the picture was . It was that one that Garcia gave Reid to send to his mom not long after he 'd joined the team . He threw it away and I picked it up . I always meant to give it to him to send to her then cases and life got in the way . I found it again just after the divorce and by then I already knew that I wanted him . The love came after but then it was the only thing of his I had . I 've used it as a bookmark since then . I always keep in inside the book . For Foyet to have found it , he would have really had to have looked around my place . I don 't know how he got that I love Spencer from that . " " Right now none of us are going to think clearly , " Dave said as he put a hand on Morgan 's chest to keep him back . Aaron wasn 't sure he 'd stop the other agent if he decided to take a swing at him as well . He hadn 't stopped Spencer even though probably for the sake of his face and the younger man 's hand he should have . Hell , no one on the team stopped him at first they were so shocked . " Aaron , go get in a car . I 'll drive you the opposite direction of where Reid went and we 'll get your face looked at . Morgan , Prentiss , drop JJ off at the field office and then you two get to Bennington . We will meet you there or at the field office as soon as possible . Just keep us informed of what is going on . " Aaron moved towards the second SUV in the line and watched as the rest of the other team got into the one they had been standing around . The other three members of the team moved to the first vehicle and drove off pretty quickly . Dave was standing outside the SUV on his phone . The look on his face was the one he always wore when talking to Strauss . Aaron sighed . This day probably couldn 't get any worse if he tried to make it worse . Of course , he still had to go through the rest of the case and explain why he had done what he had . Why he had kept secrets from the team . He 'd have to face Strauss . This was why agents weren 't allowed to be together but God , he hoped he could talk the team into keeping the reason why Foyet went after Spencer a secret . Between all of them they 'd be able to come up with a good explanation on why Foyet went after him and why the picture . Not telling the team about the picture was all on him . The trip to the ER was thankfully short . A quick X - Ray to make sure the fracture was simple and it was so it only needed set . He 'd stopped bleeding before he got to the hospital so the nurse didn 't need to pack him to make him stop bleeding . " How did the other guy fare ? " The nurse asked as she taped his nose in place with a very simple splint . There was no way that the LEOs weren 't going to put two and two together and know that Spencer had punched him . His face was going to be black and blue . A text alert sounded on Dave 's phone as he was signing his release papers . " I 've been going through this in my head since the moment I chose not to tell the team about the photo . I never imagined this . He went after Haley , I figured he wouldn 't go after Reid . I 've been talking him into letting me take him home most nights and picking him back up for work . " Aaron sighed as he and Dave moved towards the exit . Spencer had told Hotch years before that he worked best under intense terror . While that was true , he did his best thinking at a card table . The rest of the team was staying in the hotel down the street but Spencer chose to keep his room in the Bellagio . No one had said a thing about it , even though standard protocol was for the team to stay together . " Raise , " a voice called out from the other side of the table and Spencer looked up , knowing the voice . He 'd only heard it once but it was enough . George Foyet was sitting across the table from him . His hand twitched and Foyet shook his head ' no . ' Spencer stopped reaching for his phone . Instead , he just stared at the serial killer . There was a lot of anger in his mind for the man . He 'd stepped in and ruined so many lives . Hotch had his hand in what had happened with his mom but Spencer knew where to place the full blame and that was on George Foyet . The problem that Foyet had was that Spencer was armed . Foyet had sat down at the table after him and he was pretty sure that the man hadn 't been in the room when he had entered it . Two more hands were played with Spencer barely taking his eyes off the man . It was unnerving to the men and women they were playing with as well as the dealer . It wouldn 't be long before security was brought closer to the table to keep an eye on them and that was what Spencer was hoping for . When the hand was over , Spencer saw two armed security guards responding to the silent alarm that had been tripped . It wasn 't a big " come here now " alarm . It was a " I have something fishy going on " alarm . Spencer kept an eye on them . A player at the table left cashing in his winnings and it wasn 't hard to make the man who replaced him as a guard in plain clothes . It was also simple to profile the man . Former military . Tapping in morse code was easy . Getting the guard to pay attention to him was harder . It took another hand before Spencer got the guard to pay close attention . Tapping out that the other man was a killer and wanted wasn 't hard . The guard 's eyes widened in shock and he gave a small nod . When that hand was over , he left the table calling the game too rich for his blood . Under two minutes later , more security slowly made their way into the room behind Foyet and then the plainclothes guard had a gun at Foyet 's head . The sound of the safety being clicked off alerted Foyet that guards were behind him and he turned to look . He looked back at Spencer in shock as the young man stood up . His gun was on his hip and he pulled his credentials to show the security . " He 's wanted in connection with over twenty murders . The FBI will be sending more agents to collect him . He is to be under guard the entire time and never less than three . As soon as I call my team I will join you . " Foyet only smiled at him . Spencer watched him being led away . He moved away from the table and the dealer collected his winnings . Spencer nodded at him and the chips were set in a small collection area under the table . " Reid has Foyet . We need to get to the Bellagio now ! " More muffled sounds . " Reid , we will be there as soon as I wake the team up . " Spencer hung up and moved towards the room security had taken Foyet . The killer was seated in a chair with his hands cuffed behind him and five guards standing around him . He was dead center in the middle of the room . " So Doctor Reid , how many bones did you breaking punching your boss ? " Foyet looked smug but Spencer didn 't care . He knew the games . The Reaper was smart but he wasn 't smarter than him . Spencer smiled . It wasn 't a nice smile and Ethan had once said that because of smiling like that , he was more worried about him than the UnSubs they were going to be chasing . Spencer leaned down and got his face just inches away from Foyet 's . " I 'll make sure you get the death penalty . I 'll be at every single hearing you try to have to get it revoked but I will see you die by the needle . I 'll sit front row and my face will be the last that you see and then after that , I will never think about you again . " " You 'll think about me every time you think of your mother . I know how that brain of yours works . You can 't forget anything . " " Oh , I can forget lots of things . The first three months after my father left , I have very little memory of that time . I remember school and I remember mom but being home during her escapes from reality , I have no memories of that . If I think on it long enough and push myself . I can forget the name of the man who killed her . " " So smug . So arrogant . Hotch has his blame in all of this but you , you have all the blame . If it wasn 't for you my mom would be alive . You forced Hotch into making a decision and he made a really terrible one but you made him do it . I know what you want to hear though and I 'm not going to give it to you . " " He actually sat down at the table I was playing cards at . When I moved for my phone he shook his head . I stopped . It didn 't take long for me to freak out the dealer enough for him to trip the alarm that tells security to keep an eye on the table . When they could they slipped a plainclothes guard to play at the table . Thankfully he was former military and I was able to tap out that he was a highly dangerous wanted criminal and I was a Federal Agent . They surrounded him and here we are . " " That 's because Doctor Reid freaked him and the rest of us out , " a man said as he entered the room . Spencer knew the voice and when he turned , he was shocked to see the man looked exactly the same as he had fifteen years before . " Name is James . James Sinclair . I am the head of Security for the Bellagio hotel . " " Spencer . Sorry about Diana . I secured your winnings . " James handed over a slip of paper and Spencer pocketed it without even looking at it . " Agents , if you would like you can take Mr . Foyet out the back . My guards are clearing the way . I hope that we can figure out a tasteful way to spin this story that benefits both parties . " Spencer cocked an eyebrow at the man . A smirk was all he got back . James was doing very well at being undercover . He wondered how many of his friends were around on the mission with him . " Morgan , Dave , Prentiss take Chance 's team and get Foyet to the field office . Keep him under guard the entire time . Someone has to have eyes on him at all times . It 's a Federal case as he 's crossed state lines twice now . Reid , I just need your report and then you are back on bereavement leave . " " Doc , " James called out , turning to look at him . JJ was staring at the back of the man 's head . Morgan was hauling Foyet up and out of the room . " You 'll find your room minibar empty and room service has been told to not take any up . " The look on James 's face also told Spencer that if he tried to slip away for anything more , he wouldn 't like it . Spencer nodded . He needed sleep more than he needed Dilaudid . The itching hadn 't started and the craving wasn 't there but after the funeral ? That would be a different story . Aaron watched Sinclair as he was looking at Spencer . It was obvious that they knew each other . He wanted to be jealous but there was something paternal to Sinclair 's affection for him . Once the other man was done talking to JJ he moved over to Aaron . Sinclair nodded and looked solely at Aaron 's nose . " His hand is broke and your nose is . Doesn 't take a profiler to figure out he decked you . " Aaron eyed the man . He just stared back . " That 's Reid 's story to tell . Not mine . You 'll have to ask him . " Don 't worry , I will . There is going to be a man following Spencer until he goes back to DC . Roughly same build except he can actually stand up in a fist fight . Auburn hair long enough to pull into a ponytail . Don 't cause him any issues . I promised Diana I would watch out for him . Didn 't know I needed to watch her too . " Sinclair 's voice was rough with emotion . He cared for Spencer and Diana a great deal . " Known Spencer and Diana since he was eleven . Didn 't take long to figure out what was going on in that house . I made sure they were taken care of . While Spencer was at college , I checked on Daina when he couldn 't . I was the one that talked him into Bennington and I made sure he could afford it . " " So you stepped in as father ? " Aaron asked . Spencer had never mentioned anyone helping him when he 'd been growing up . He was either ashamed or there was a great deal more to it . Sinclair didn 't strike him as the type to take advantage . " No . Friend . Spencer didn 't need a father . His was enough of a disappointment . Unfortunately I 've not seen him since just after the case with the female Jack the Ripper in New Orleans . Between his job and mine . How long are you giving him ? " " I 'd get Foyet out of town as soon as possible . " The threat there was unmistakable . Aaron wondered exactly who this man was . He watched Sinclair leave , taking the threat for what it was . The man may have been slightly small but he looked like he could be deadly . He was tempted to have his face run through photo recognition software but Spencer trusted him and so he needed to as well . Even if there was the thought that he had seen the man somewhere before . " Hotch , Strauss is having another team fly out to escort Foyet back to DC . She is sending them on the other jet and Garcia is coming with them . Our team is on stand down until after the funeral . " " Yes . The jet should land in just under five hours . Agent Chance is going to meet them . I 'm sure that Morgan will want to go as well . " " We will get into all of that on the jet when we go home after the funeral . We discussed it that first day at Bennington . Right now Spence needs us more than we need to vilify you . " JJ sounded normal but he knew the whole team was hanging on by a thread . And it was his own fault . Spencer stood at his mom 's gravesite . The former students of hers as well as all their family friends had already left . The team was standing off to the side , just in his line of sight . William was at his back . He 's told William the truth that morning . The first he 'd seen his father since the Riley Jenkins case . He told his father that is was because of him . William hadn 't gotten mad . No , he 'd pulled Spencer close and held him while he 'd finally let loose the tears he 'd been holding back for days . They 'd met at Bennington to sort through what was left of his mom 's things . Thankfully not a lot was in evidence as Foyet had only been in her private room the day he 'd poisoned her . " What about the house , Spencer ? " William asked , his voice low so that hopefully no one could hear them . He settled his hand on Spencer 's shoulder . It was a solid weight and something that he was thankful for . " You have nothing left in Vegas . Don 't worry . I 'm not upset . It 's the truth . We can go through everything and I can handle the sale if you wish . I wasn 't there when you actually needed me but I can be there now . " " Thanks . That would be great . Then I won 't have to sell it on a rush . I 'm taking leave from the unit . I have a lot of thinking that I need to do . " " There is a little more to this case than what I have told you . I can 't get into it . I love my job and I can 't see myself doing anything else but … I just need to think . " " You 'll make the decision that is best for you . " William 's hand squeezed and Spencer leaned back into it . " Your team looks like they want you . " " James doesn 't want me alone . I … have things we can talk more about later . Not here . Not at her grave . My shadow will step in with the team if need be . I 'll meet you at the house at nine in the morning , dad . " Spencer turned to smile at William and the man smiled back at him . With a final look at the team , the man was moving away . " Call if you need me . " William got into his car and then Spencer was alone at the graveside . The team was staying back , waiting on him . When he relaxed , he heard movement telling him that the team was on their way over . JJ slipped into his left side while Garcia pulled him into a side hug from the right . Prentiss 's head rested on his upper back . It was comforting . More footsteps and Hotch was stopping at the head of the casket . Rossi and Morgan slipped in front of him , blocking his view of the casket . Rossi shocked him by kissing both of his cheeks and forcing him to look him in the eye . " Who 's your friend ? " Prentiss asked and Spencer looked to where she was looking . He smiled . His shadow had stepped out , more visible . Black pants and a dark purple silk shirt were visible as well as the glint off his sunglasses . It was the most visible he 'd been since the start of the service . He was fairly certain the guy was a mutant but he wasn 't going to tell the team that . Just like he hadn 't told them that James was a mutant . " A friend of the family . James was worried about me so I have a guard to make sure that I don 't do something stupid . Don 't know his name . He 's been the one following me since I went to my room at the Bellagio after catching Foyet . I am sure he will introduce himself to me when I 've settled down . " " No . " Spencer took the hugs from his friends and then said goodbye . Hotch stayed where he was until the rest of the team was in the limo with the door shut . His guard stepped even closer . If the wind was blowing right , Spencer was sure that his shadow would hear every single word said between them . He found that he didn 't care . He knew that every single word that was overheard would be told to James but he trusted James not to do something stupid . Hotch stopped several feet away from him . " Strauss would like you to call her when your bereavement leave ends . Your extended leave is approved for a month after that . If you need more call her . " " When Foyet is sentenced and settled in his new home . When is your friend going to stop watching you ? " Hotch 's gaze slipped over to the man and it was then that Spencer knew that James had told him more than he probably should have . James had always been able to read him well and knew the whole truth of the situation before he 'd left the security office that night . " Probably around the same time as Haley and Jack come out of WitSec . James is overprotective for not being a father figure . " Spencer smiled despite where he was . " While I was playing poker , before Foyet sat down , that 's all I could think about . What had the better statistics for the best outcome for me and the team . " Spencer looked at Hotch . He hadn 't been able to since the jet . " Agent Chance is going with the story as well as it 's all he knows . He 's putting the punches up to grief , as is Strauss . You told them you didn 't want to press charges so she is going to let us handle it internally . " " Who knows what could have happened . You could have lost Haley and Jack . I 'll never be able to forget and I 'll probably never be able to forgive you , Aaron but Jack … I know you . You wouldn 't have survived the loss of Jack . This might have been the best possible outcome . " " Yes . I made up my mind on the Turner / Hightower case that I needed to . Even if you didn 't feel the same way . I couldn 't move on while there was hope . Then Foyet and the picture and it wasn 't the right time . I made a promise that I would tell you after Foyet was caught . " Hotch straightened his tie , which had been straight before he 'd touched it . It was the only sign of how nervous he really was . " I am probably going to regret this but I think I need to know . What do you … did you feel for me ? " " Right now ? Indifference . Regert . But underneath that is love . But not a strong enough love to survive this . It could have turned into that but it didn 't get a chance . As my boss I can still trust you but on a personal level , I don 't think I can again . I believe you when you say that you never expected this , that 's the only thing keeping me here talking to you . " " I understand . Thank you for being honest . " Hotch looked away from him and for the first time ever , he was unable to read that look on his face . " Keep Morgan informed on everything . Please . " " I will . Take care of yourself . Don 't let this destroy you . You are a good man , Aaron . You just made a bad decision . " Spencer closed the remaining distance between the two of them and he laid a hand on Hotch 's heart . " I need time to get my head and heart on straight . If I don 't take it that love , could turn to hate and I don 't want that . I don 't hate you and I don 't want to . " " No , I know that I mean . I need distance . From you . From the team . Just … please ask them to not contact me , I 'll contact them . " " Of course . Your friend is getting a little antsy so I am going to take my leave . If you need anything , call the team . We will do whatever we can . " " Ready ? " a voice asked behind him . Spencer spun to look at his guard . " I know you rode with the team . My rental is over a row . I 'll drive you . " Spencer smiled as he entered the bullpen for the first time in just over a month . He was happy to be back at work and excited to start working again . The house in Vegas was still for sale but his dad had called and said that several couples were looking at it . It had only taken a week to finish sorting all the things in the house and what was left of her things at Bennington . Spencer had stayed with his dad in Summerlin during that time and the Bureau SUV had still been his vehicle of use , even though he 'd tried to turn it back into Chance . Then he 'd stayed another week , just for the sake of not going back to DC just yet . He was still thinking . In the end , he 'd left after two weeks and had called Morgan to tell him that he was headed home to DC . He wasn 't shocked when his guard followed him back home . In fact , there wasn 't a lot that shocked him about his guard . He still had no clue on the man 's name but he knew that James trusted him . His first night back at his apartment had been a test of wills . It didn 't feel like home anymore . It was too small and he felt choked staying there . He 'd started the search for a larger apartment or even a small house . The nightmares started on his first night home and it was the first time he woke with his guard sitting beside him on the bed . His voice soft , he 'd been just uttering nonsense to try and calm him down . It had worked . After three nights , Spencer went out and bought an air mattress and sheets for him and it was set up in the small office . That way he didn 't have to break in every night just to help him through his nightmares . This morning , Spencer had woken up with the man wrapped around him . It had felt weird as it had been a long time since he 'd slept in the same bed as someone . Guessing the man 's name had become a game to the two of them . He answered to ' Hey You ' when Spencer called it out . The game was something distracting and it worked so well . If he didn 't know better , he swore that he 'd known his shadow for years instead of weeks . Having someone in his apartment felt better than it should and he knew that the was growing attached but it had been so long since he 'd had someone in his life . He 'd not asked how long he 'd be under guard but he was sure that once James finished his job in Vegas he 's come around to talk to him . The decision on his professional life had been easy . He loved his job and he didn 't want to be doing anything else . He 'd told Hotch the truth , on a professional level he trusted the man but on a personal , there was nothing left . He wasn 't sure he could call them friends at the moment . The light in Hotch 's office was on and Spencer made his way that direction . No one else was in yet . He knocked on the door and Hotch called for him to come in . What Spencer saw shocked him . All of the law books were gone from behind the desk and there was very little furniture left . Just the desk and the chair that Hotch was sitting in and the two chairs in front of the desk . The man in question was hunched over a stack of files . When there was no noise , Hotch finally looked up . " I was put back up to Unit Chief the moment we got home from the funeral and … I can 't . I went to Strauss and talked to her . I was offered full retirement . I took it . Today is actually my last day . " " Why ? " Spencer didn 't want it to be because of him . He 'd hoped they could work through the issues and at least become friends again . " Because I don 't trust myself anymore . This is worse than after Foyet attacked me . I can 't make a decision and trust wholly that it 's a good one . I need space from the unit . I was offered leave but I don 't think I 'll come back after that . I don 't think I need to come back . I don 't want to turn into Gideon . I think I 'll be better off with a clean break . I should have never written the report as I did after Boston . " " I would have been here the day you came back . I was going to tell you . It just was a coincidence that you came back on my last day . The team has a dinner planned tonight . Garcia made the plans . She figured that something out in public might be best . " " Morgan wouldn 't tell me anything , " Spencer said as he moved forward to finally sit down in a chair . Hotch moved around the desk to sit in the one right beside him . " How have things been with the team ? " " On the jet back from Vegas they let me have it . We talked until I think all of us couldn 't talk anymore . Morgan is still pretty upset but he 's doing really well at keeping down and as soon as I put in my notice , I moved him back up to Unit Chief . He 's been doing really well at it . Knowing that this is permanent I can tell he 'll do just fine . " Hotch reached out a hand like he wanted to touch but pulled it back . " How are you doing ? " " Better . I 'm doing a lot better . Knowing that other than signing papers on the house and then I 'll be done with Vegas is relieving . My friend is still guarding me . I 've set up a place for him to sleep in the office . James isn 't done with his job in Vegas yet so he 's not been able to talk to me . " " Yes . And don 't even think of having Garcia look him up . I 'm sure you won 't find a single thing on him . Or you 'll get some nasty people after him . " " I 'm glad you had someone . I have a lot of reports I need to get through , Reid and I have to finish them up if I want to go to my going away dinner . Morgan left files on your desk to get caught up on the cases while you were away . I think that there are also a tin of cookies from Garcia . " Spencer nodded and stood up , heading towards the door . He was thankfully off the cane now . He still had the cast on his arm and would for a few more weeks but he 'd been cleared to return to limited field duty . " How is the nose ? " " Just fine . I won 't have any issues from it . How is your hand ? And knee … " Hotch 's eyes widened . " You aren 't using a cane anymore . " " No . I stopped using it a month ago . My hand is healing fine . I had a new set of X - Rays done by my regular doctor and he said it 's healing just fine . I am sorry for punching you . I wasn 't planning on it . " " Yes , well . My shadow has decided that I need to learn to throw one without breaking a bone . He 's been making me train a little at night . It 's been interesting . He 's teaching me more than anyone at the academy has . " " Sounds like he might just be what you need right now . A really good friend with no past issues and allegiances . " Hotch smiled and it was a true smile . It had been so long since Spencer had seen one like that on his face . Mind made up , Spencer knew what he was going to do that night after the rest of the team had left the restaurant . Coming back after a month off and finding out that Hotch was leaving put a damper on the day but it was still nice to be around the rest of the team . No one was shocked that he was buried in his files when the others arrived , all nearly at the same time . Rossi had made it in not long after Spencer and then all at once Morgan , JJ , Prentiss , and Garcia entered . Half an hour of talking and then it was back to work for Spencer and everyone else scattered around . Morgan was still in his office for the moment but as soon as Hotch was fully gone , he was already planning on moving , just to be closer to the team . Dinner came around a lot quicker than Spencer had thought it would . He 'd texted his guard who was just named Shadow in his phone to tell him the plans . He 'd gotten a text back that said that James was in town and would be at his apartment when he got back from the dinner . The team tried their hardest to keep the tone of the meal light and happy but the undercurrent of sadness couldn 't be kept away . They all knew that this was the last meal as a unit , as a family . Garcia was the first to start crying when dessert was long done and everyone knew that it was it . She ran to hug Hotch and then left with Morgan escorting her out . JJ and Prentiss were next . Hugs were passed between the three and JJ lost it when Hotch kissed her forehead . The man 's eyes were not clear when the two women left and while it was sad , Spencer could see in his eyes that Hotch was making the best decision for him , just like Spencer had for himself . Spencer laughed as he took a sip of his water . " We will be fine , Rossi . Don 't worry . I 'm not going to punch him . The anger is long gone and we have both moved on . " Hotch nodded and shook Rossi 's hand . Then they were alone . Garcia had booked them in a private room so that they didn 't bother any of the patrons . " I think we 've both said all that we need to , " Hotch said as he moved over to stand by Spencer 's chair . Spencer agreed . He stood up and stuck out his hand . It was going to hurt to not see Hotch nearly every day but he knew that it was better that way . He 'd probably always be in love with the man but he was right that he 'd never be able to forgive him , not all the way and if they even tried a relationship , it would destroy them both . A clean break was better . " You have my number if you ever need anything , Spencer . I 'll do whatever I can to help you if you need it . " " Same here , Aaron . " Spencer stared into Hotch 's eyes and he saw desire there . He knew what he wanted but he also knew it would hurt but the look in Hotch 's eyes told him that he wanted the same thing . Using their linked hands to pull him forward , Spencer kissed Hotch . It wasn 't desperate like the kiss at the jet . This was cleaner but needier at the same time . When Hotch moaned , Spencer opened his mouth and felt the caress of the other man 's tongue . It was heaven and hell at the same time but he knew he 'd never forgive himself if he never knew what Hotch tasted like , what he felt like . He wanted more than just this single kiss but if he did that , he knew he 'd never let Hotch go and he needed to . Pulling back , Spencer took a step back as well . Hotch 's hand reached out and cupped his cheek . No more words were said . After a minute , Hotch let his hand drop and then he was leaving . Spencer stood there until he knew that Hotch was gone from the parking lot and then he left . His guard was already in the driver 's seat of his car when he got outside . Spencer said nothing as he got into the passenger seat . He stared unseeing at the passing buildings , traffic , and people . When the car finally stopped at his apartment , he allowed himself to be led inside and into the bedroom . He changed into his sleep clothes and laid down . When his guard laid down in bed with him , holding him close , Spencer finally let the tears fall for his lost love . He could have been happy with Hotch , he knew that . He was right though , that love wouldn 't survive the lies Hotch had kept to himself . It was better to regret what could have been then become whatever twisted thing they would have become . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! 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A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So … I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly … wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . I must tell you all , right off the bat , that I know I haven 't written anything for several weeks . I really feel bad about it because I know it helps me get through a lot . I 've put my volunteer work on hold for this month because of the extreme anxiety I 'm feeling about my health and the crazy developments with my father 's estate and , as such , the state of my family life . The stresses have really gotten to me where I am , once again , staying away from the outside world most of the time and hiding in my online games . So boring I know . I do go to my appointments and have made more effort into cooking some meals the last few days than relying on junk food . It helps that Carly is home to eat . After messing up the last 2 appointments booked with my new mental health worker we finally met each other for the second time . It all went well until she asked me how my typical day goes . I was quite embarrassed about it until I remembered that I do get up early twice a week for when my granddaughter comes over for the day . ( So fun to be with her … two years old and so cute and full of goof ) . She asked me what my stresses are and I told her about the above mentioned in more detail . It was a pretty substantial list but mostly I have such fast and negative thoughts . Then I was to go over the positive things in my life which were fewer but still easy to come up with ; kids , boyfriend , and my finances are a little better . I was also to tell her about what I do to help the with stress . Again the list was small but at the end of the meeting she said that column would eventually be full and she could see how low my self - worth and self - esteem were and she has the tools to work on those negative thoughts . It 's been mind - numbing during the day and my sleep is filled with monsters and fear . Restful sleep is really not a part of my nights . It 's mostly 3 or 4 in the morning when my brain will finally shut down and my eyes slam shut for anywhere from 5 to 12 hours of sleep . I slept a day away a few weeks ago with a total of 19 hours . Crazy . My fella and I were finally getting to have some time together and were going out for supper except I kinda and sorta forgot about the going out part only because it was later than I thought we would be going . He called and said he was here and I had just got out of the shower and was dripping wet , naked and just figured , no problem , I 'll just throw something on and let him into my building like I usually do . I went to the front door , where he usually waits , then the back door but no fella . I was quite confused . I called him and asked him where the heck was he and he said at the front in the # 1 parking space . So , after wandering around the hallway in my nightie for another couple of minutes it dawned on me about the going out part . What to wear ? I felt all hot and sweaty after all that running around so I put on a tank top and jeans and put hair products in my very wet hair and ran out the door . He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant but I told him I wasn 't really dressed for one ( that 's for sure ! ) so he suggested a favourite pizza joint we both like . It was very crowded and we were waiting for a table when I noticed someone eating at a table nearby who doesn 't like me too much and the feelings are quite mutual . I hid behind my fella after warning him . He was worried about a cat fight or me being so uncomfortable that we should go . I told him not to worry , I have big ovaries and can take it but could he please buy me a glass of wine tonight ? Absolutely , he said . So all the tables were full except for one right beside this person and a whole bunch of reserved ones . The owner of the restaurant told us to sit in the reserved section for now until a booth became available . " Don 't you guys leave , " she said . Whew . We sat in the reserved section ( getting the stinky eye from THAT table ) until a group of volleyball players started to arrive . It was then I noticed how hot my feet were as I listened to my fella regale me with his own restaurant stories . I tried to remember which shoes I put on when , to my horror , I looked down at my feet and saw … . My fella had me howling with laughter when I confessed to my slipper shuffle . He does that all the time . He said he was going to get me a hospital gown to go with my slippers for next time we go out so I can really look the part . It was then I remembered what I told my worker about the fear I had that people looked at me funny and man … I was laughing so hard . We both were . I had to put a little extra shuffle in my step for the rest of the night and the code word was " slippers " to make me start laughing all over again . Supper was great . At the end when my fella was paying the bill I asked the owner how her trip to Greece went . She told us that she went there to find all her old boyfriends so she could fuck them since she was too young to do that when she lived there as a young girl . She didn 't find any . It was great to get out . It did me a world of good . I 'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving with my sister 's family and my group . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . I 'm about to test the strengths I 've learned these last few weeks / months / years . I 've planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone . One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers , bad food and poor sleep . And then … We will be shopping pretty much non - stop for 3 days then head home again . Well , the girl will be shopping with her money , I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel ( could we have popcorn for supper ? I really don 't want those shoes . Yes I do . No I don 't . ) . Does this trip fill me with anxiety ? Oh yes , you bet it does . As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn 't see downtown anymore . Will I get lost ? Will my bank card not work ? Maybe I don 't have any money . Will my heart decide to stop beating ? Will there be an accident while I 'm driving my son 's van ? Watch out for that old lady ! ! ! ! The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton . This wouldn 't work out because I don 't have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541 , 000 times just to get the $ 1 , 000 I would need . So Greyhound it is . I 'm relieved I 'm not driving the 15 hour trip . I would really be scared of getting lost among other things too many to list here . I 've watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird - looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again . The mom always gets killed first . The huge , incredible " mall " . This is bigger than anything in my city . There aren 't just stores ; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people . Lots of them . I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child . Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends . This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face . I 'm really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach . After all , I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home , unscathed , just the same . This week I finally had the chance to do a decent grocery shop . And I went with my girl , Carly . We haven 't been shopping together in close to a year . It seemed that I could never get the shopping quite right ; Carly wanted " healthy " things . Well , so do I but our versions of " healthy " are two different ideas . I had to teach her about balance and budget . Since she was complaining so much I made her come with me . So there we were with a borrowed van at the store and a good wad of cash . I needed prescriptions and headed to the pharmacy while sending her to the fruit and vegetable section . While my prescriptions were getting filled we met up again and started cruising up and down the aisles . I don 't usually cruise but I had a list too . We agreed on some things that didn 't have much to do with food . The most challenging was a new razor . Ours was gross already so we agreed to buy a new one . I was checking out the ladies and Carly insisted we get a men 's razor style . I wasn 't too sure about that until she found a weird shaped one . She was reading the package and exclaimed " It has a battery ! ? " That perked my interest and it was only $ 7 on sale , half price . Carly said she didn 't think we should get it as we probably were too technically challenged to use it . It had an attached trimmer for heaven 's sake . That must explain the battery , right ? Then it was groceries … she read every label on every box or container of food and exclaiming in a horrified voice every time ; " OMG the sodium ! … the saturated fat ! … the CARBS ! " and would quickly put the item back on the shelf . I would pick it back up again and show her what we had to do to make a balanced meal . She had to realize it was OKAY to have fat , sodium and carbs to a certain degree especially since my cart was full of fruit and veggies too . We picked up whole grains as alternatives to what we would normally buy . We also bought a little more organic fresh food as well . It was all starting to come together . I must say , shopping with her took twice as long ( at least ) and three times the cost . I 'm just lucky we had the money for this trip . I asked her if she saw how much it cost us and she said she did and was shocked at how much we have to pay to eat healthy . I warned her that , on our normally very limited budget , this shopping trip would rarely be like this . Boy , I had my exercise this week too . I 've been looking after my oldest granddaughter while my youngest granddaughter gets her eating habits in order . I swear I 've never been so tired . It 's a really good tired though . I go to bed before 11 : 00 ( ! ! ! ) and get up for 8 : 00 am . Amazing . And she has me running . Running after her , ahead of her , beside her and with her . In between we watch inane children shows that make me get ridiculous songs stuck in my head which have replaced the songs we played for my Dad while he was on his death - bed . I don 't know which is worse . So a good week all around . Thank you to all who gave me their support the last couple of weeks . I really appreciate it as it had to one of the worse times in my life . I don 't feel as alone as I did . I feel better being busy and productive . Well another week has gone by and my Dad 's memorial service is now behind me . So was seeing some creepy family members I could have done without but I got to see some very beloved ones as well . Especially cousins I hardly know but love . The plan is to get to know them better . It was rather a unique time … a room packed with Boomers is not something you see everyday . I just ignored the creepy ones as best as I could . It was a glorious day filled with stories , the wind off the lake and my Dad 's ashes scattered at his final resting place . It was banana cream pie , conversation and hugs . It was sadness , relief , connections and my grandbabies . It was seeing my Dad everywhere and hardly having to look . My Mom too . It was having to hold in all these emotions until leaving for home and reaching a short way from the cottage and then sobbing , uncontrollably , on my daughter 's supporting shoulder . We held each other in our borrowed vehicle and cried for the loss of a great man . Our ride the rest of the way was filled with silence but we could hear the songs and his voice in our heads . very rough & a lot of the other landing craft were letting the troops off too soon . He saw lots of men drowning & struggling in the water . He said I know he experienced much more pain than even on that day . I 'm proud of him and can 't even comprehend the horrors he faced , even during the years following the war . The nightmares never left him and he tried so hard to not let them into his daytimes . He did a fantastic job . I also said goodbye to a guy I was dating for 7 months who decided he wasn 't " that into me " and broke up with me , by text , the night before my Dad 's memorial . I sure can pick ' em ! I don 't feel a great sense of loss though . He was obviously emotionally challenged and I 'm pretty sure I was the " interim woman " . My life certainly moves on . I 've been thinking about positive thoughts and where they come from . I really have to force myself , everyday , to think of myself in positive ways . I thought I would try to come up with a list of my favourite things , not necessarily about me but maybe it will tell the world and me what I like and love . So , in no particular order … Blue . I love the colour blue for so many reasons . I sometimes gasp at a new shade that makes me wish for the tropics or paint a picture . Neither of which I 'll be getting to do soon . The best blues are cobalt and music . My daughter 's smile . It lights up the whole room . It 's a rare thing to be seen since she became a teen . Her brother and I spied on her while she was working the drive thru at her work and oh , she smiled at everyone ! We both were astounded by the transformation . I love her more every day than I did the day before . My son 's energy . Oh man he makes me tired ! Always smiling is that guy . Very social which is the opposite of me . He 's always talking and getting a deal going and has high ambitions . I am immensely proud of him . He is definitely one of my favourite things . I love him dearly . My Mom 's paintings she left behind . I just love them because she never really knew her talent until she was in her 40 's , 50 's and she still painted until she died . She had a passion . I love the symphony . The music sends me somewhere else . I fell in love with the symphony at the same time I fell in love with the ballet . I love the kindness of others . So many people have shown me how good they can be . I 'm truly lucky to know them and I 'm a better person because of them . My favourite flower would forget - me - nots . I think . If I was to make a bouquet it would be made up of many different kinds . Orchids are always an option . I love watching movies where I get totally lost . I really don 't have a favourite movie , there are too many . It always depends on the mood of the movie ; for action movies I love the Terminator series ; for love stories my favourite has to be The Notebook . Whatever it is it has to be good . I love my grandchild . She 's adorable . I love when she holds out her arms for me even if her mom is holding her . I love when she makes me feel special like at Easter when I was giving her strawberries and she said , in her 19 month voice , Mo Gamma . I love my younger sister and her family . And all their dogs . And all their cats . Those kids have been brought up right and I stole a lot of things to use to bring up mine . Student Led Parent Teacher Conferences . I was just at my daughter 's yesterday and finally got to see her amazing photographs . She has a passion . All her teachers said the same thing . She does excellent work and it 's a pleasure having her in class . They are all sure she will go on to do great things . She didn 't want to go because she couldn 't see the point as her report card was excellent but I made her . I felt it was important for her to hear the praises and make plans and goals . She was very proud of herself and could see me bursting with it as well . I love how I 've been able to get along for more than 3 years without a car . Maybe it 's 4 . I don 't know but it doesn 't matter much anymore . The only time I 'll miss it is during the summer because I won 't be able to get to the beach when I want to go . THE BEACH ! OMG I love the beach so much . I love how it smells and the sounds and love looking at the water . In my teens , I used to have a secret place in the cliffs where I could be alone , write in my journal and watch the water while burying my feet in hot , smooth , white sand . I can still feel the sun on my face and arms . The spot is gone now as everything has eroded away . My memories of it though always fill me with comfort . No one could find me . Driving . I know I said I didn 't miss having a car but I really like driving . I used to drive a lot in the summers , especially , to get to my ex 's cabin , sometimes just for the day and it would be a 4 hour drive then . 2 hours each way . Oh you know what I mean . I think that should do it . Its been very interesting making this list . Thanks for being interested enough to read it . I 'm sure there are lots more and I 'm sorry if I left out anyone . I 'll leave you with a video someone sent me today on Facebook that has become one of my favourites . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! What did I ever do to make him hate me so much ? I was good to him , or so I thought , but I see now that how I loved him was not how he needed to be loved . I suppose I smothered him . That 's what he used to tell me , but I never understood how . All I wanted was for him to be happy , successful . I wanted to teach him how life must be lived , to achieve was he was destined to achieve . When he was a child , he loved me . He was my special man . He took great pleasure in making me happy . He was obedient and considerate . But as he grew older , he became more independent . He no longer took my advice even though I knew he was making mistakes . It pained me to see him on the wrong path . But he did OK for himself , anyway , and I was happy for that although I admit I felt cast aside . I felt useless because he no longer needed my counsel . And each time I tried to help him , to offer some suggestion , he would get angry , as if I didn 't respect his choices . It wasn 't a matter of respect for his choices . It was that I was his mother . I needed him to need me , and it pained me that he didn 't . He didn 't need my advice , didn 't need my money , didn 't need my comfort , didn 't need my love . I am just starting to understand that he would have needed me for the most important thing of all if I had only offered it : unconditional love . Instead , I only grudgingly accepted that he was perfectly fine without me . I never really rooted for him because I was too concerned trying to figure out a way to make myself needed . Whenever he achieved something good , I 'd be sure to let him know that it might have been even better if he 'd only done it a different way . He seems happy and well - adjusted . I suppose I should be grateful for that , but of course , this was not my doing . Perhaps if he 'd failed in his life , I could have thought , " See , he really did need me after all , " but in fact , he was right all along . He didn 't need me because I never gave him what he wanted most : to simply be accepted as he was . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! We were a love match . School sweethearts . We married young and within a few years , together we opened a men 's haberdashery . We worked hard and slowly made a success of it . A few years later , we had a son . He was a clever boy . We put him to work in the shop when he was old enough to wait on customers and handle money . You could say he grew up there . My husband expected him to take over the business . Our son had other ideas . The store was stifling for him . He had no interest . We had a falling out . It was mostly with his father , but since he regarded us as an indivisible unit , he stopped talking to me , too . He moved far away . We never repaired our relationship . We were not close . I barely knew his wife or his children - my own grandchildren . My husband didn 't seem to mind this loss too much . If his son had no use for the business , he interpreted it to mean he had no use for him , either . The business was his baby . Over the years , he nurtured it , dedicating many hours to making it thrive . I was always at his side , doing whatever I could do to help . But the vision was his . He knew where he wanted the business to go , and he was good at finding ways for it to get there . I did not resent that my own dreams never had the opportunity to manifest because , to be honest , I did not have any big dreams . I was content being a mother ( until I wasn 't any longer ) , and being my husband 's helpmeet . This provided me all the satisfaction I needed in life . The business grew into a successful enterprise which allowed us to live an agreeable and secure life . We grew old together , still working side by side in the shop . We continued to live , as we always had , in a comfortable apartment above the store . Over time , the world changed and it was harder to keep up . I was completely lost . I had little idea how to run the store - what to stock , how to negotiate with suppliers , how to balance the books . We had almost nothing in savings - every last coin had been spent trying to remain afloat . My husband had been good at treading water . I began to drown immediately . It did not take long for the store to fail completely . Without any source of income , I soon lost the apartment , too . At 83 years old , I was alone , without a home . I reached out to my son who was kind enough to send me a pittance , just enough to pay for a roof over my head , but not much more . I was grateful not to have to sleep on the street but in all other things , I was completely at the mercy of strangers . Most were not very merciful . I was sick and frail . I was consumed by the pain of loneliness . I 'd worked hard my entire life . I 'd been the good and faithful wife of a good and faithful husband . I 'd lived in relative security and comfort . I did not understand how all this misfortune had befallen me so quickly . I resented the world for taking everything away from me . I became increasingly forgetful . Confused . It was easier to let go of reality which had become simply too painful to bear . I was dead within two years . Two years which seemed to stretch out to an eternity . Two years which , looking back , defined my life more than the eighty three years lived before it . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was just eighteen when I married . My first child , a boy , arrived ten months later . Another child came quickly after that and by twenty - three , I was the mother of four . My husband offered little support or help raising them . They were all left to me , these young , hungry , screaming , clamoring , curious , mischievous , needy children . I 'd led a sheltered life within a religious family in a like - minded community . I had not had much sense of myself to begin with . I was raised for one purpose : to become a wife and a mother . Once I was both , I had even less idea who I was except breasts to feed and lips to scold and arms to carry and hands to cook and legs that itched to just run and keep running until I was somewhere completely different , and all alone . I felt no love for my children , no love for anyone or anything . I knew this was wrong , that I was deeply flawed . It was one of the greatest sins for a mother not to love her children . Love is what makes humans human . If I was not capable of love , then I was no better than a golem , an automaton . I was less than human . But , in fact , I was not less than human . I was painfully , achingly , tragically human . I was simply numb to my own pain . I was too exhausted to live ; too completely without ego to care about anything . Perhaps , then , it is not love , but ego that makes us human . Without ego , there is no point to human life . Nothing to drive us forward along our path . Nothing to give us purpose . No pain or joy to teach us lessons . It followed , then , that my children were also nothing . I regarded them as merely attachments to my appendages . If I had been capable of regarding them as individual , unique human beings , I would have had to also conclude that I , too , was human . After all , a golem cannot create human babies . But since I was certain that I was a golem , it followed by my logic , that my children must also be made of mud and clay . Empty . Hollow . Unable to feel . Unhuman . I drove to the big bridge . Halfway across , I turned the wheel sharply and stepped on the accelerator . In an instant , we were over the edge and into the river . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . Think of others who might enjoy it too , and help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have just started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleEmailLinkedInPocketRedditTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in actor monologue , communicating with the dead , Death of a child , depression , ego , individuality , infanticide , love , morality , mother - child relationship , murder and tagged actor monologue , communicating with the dead , infanticide , life after death , love , marriage , mother child relationship , reincarnation , spirituality , suicide , universal wisdom 10 La I was vain , it is true . And my vanity caused many others to suffer . I was vain about things I had no right to claim as my own - my looks , my status ( which was inherited , and then enhanced by marriage . ) As I got older , I took care of myself as best I could , to maintain the illusion of youth as long as possible . After a certain number of years , however , age simply catches up . A woman loses her sexual power over men . If this is all she has , if she 's put all her eggs in this particular basket , she ends up with nothing . At 79 , I was still elegant ; still invited to all the right parties . My last companion was 53 . It was obvious to everyone except me that he was playing me . I wanted to believe that I still had enough wit , charm , and charisma to attract such a witty , charming , charismatic man . When I died , he and my children ( with whom I was never particularly close ) , got into a protracted legal fight over my estate . From where I was , I didn 't care who won . I could see how utterly pointless their battle was . The loser , in the end , was the real winner , although it took a while for that understanding to sink in . note : Today I was out for a walk and ran into two women I haven 't really spoken to in over a year . The first woman is a neighbor , and though we usually have a quick hello when we see each other on the street , today we ended up chatting for an hour . Mostly , she talked about her mother , who had passed the previous year . There was nothing unusual in that . It made perfect sense in the context of the conversation we were having , although it was the longest conversation we 've had , probably in two or three years . From there , I went to the supermarket . Right in front of me in line , was someone who 'd worked for me very briefly over a year ago . We have not been in touch . I asked her how she was doing , making light conversation . She told me her mother had just passed away . While waiting to check out , she started telling me all about her mom , her personal history , her days as a political organizer . I didn 't think anything odd about either of these encounters at the time . Later , however , I wondered if this wasn 't something more than mere coincidence . They hadn 't simply mentioned their mother 's recent deaths . That would have been the normal kind of news one might share in such circumstances . But thinking about it , it seemed unusual that they both spontaneously told me their mother 's story , in far more detail than what was warranted by our casual relationships , as if it were important for me to know . ___ If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Woke up this morning with a " story " in my head , demanding to get out . I " wasn 't allowed " to eat or get dressed or turn on my computer until I 'd written this down , long - hand , in the notebook beside my bed . I 'm still not sure if I 'm " writing " or " channeling " them . Either way , I have decided to keep a journal as they come to me . The nature of the stories is changing . Previously , I was shown a scene and was imparted with information about how the person died . Now , I am getting feelings and translating them into words . Most of these " narrators " do not tell me their names , and I don 't ask . I like the idea that they could have lived almost anywhere in the world . This makes their stories more universal . However , going forward , in order to be able to distinguish one narrator from another , I have given each a one syllable name . I have made the names purposefully vague and cryptic so they do not imply any geography or ethnicity . They are indicative of nothing . Please do not read anything into them . I suppose if I felt anything , it was relief . I was exhausted from trying to make it work . Years and years of forgiveness and sacrificing my own needs to the needs of the relationship . I knew it was going to be a long , hard slog , raising two young boys on my own , but at least we 'd all be pulling as one unit , in the same direction , instead of working against each other , draining each other of happiness , sucking each other dry . In the long run , the boys would be happier , too . Br was an angry and selfish man . The boys saw him in the clear pure way that children always see the obvious truth . Their dad was an insecure bully and though the kids had no respect for him , he was their father and he still had the power to hurt them . He wasn 't worthy of their respect , but they still wanted his . They thought , in their innocent way , that if he could just stop the anger in his head long enough to really see them for the terrific little people they were , he 'd realize what he stood to lose . Then he 'd change and everything would be OK . Br was very good with words . He was a real poet when it came to asking for forgiveness . An irresistible force . But no matter how many times he promised to do better for us , no matter how many times I reached deeper into my soul to find a little more love for him , he would invariably disappoint us and hurt us again . It was better apart . He would no longer have to face , on a daily basis , what an utter failure he was as a husband , as a father , as a functional human being . He just didn 't have the energy any more to try and be someone better . I thought my love , our love , would be enough to change him , but none of it did any good . I could now devote my full emotional attention to my boys . They 'd always craved more of me . They were happy and relieved to finally have it . They healed me , they did , with their humor and insight and childlike wisdom that so often brought things into perspective when I felt as if I were spinning out of control . When my youngest was in the second grade , I forgot to attend his school play . I knew it was coming up , but forgot about it the day of . I was overwhelmed at work . I 'd been working 12 hr days for the past few weeks and had barely gotten to see the kids . My mom sometimes watched them . Some nights , they went home with friends . Sometimes I paid for a babysitter - a girl who lived down the street . And in the sweetest , most loving voice , that little boy said to me , " It 's OK , Mommy . I know you feel bad about my play . I know you are worried that I think you don 't love me , but I do know how much you love us because I can see how hard you work to take care of us . A school play is just one day but a job is every day . " Maybe that 's a stereotype - kids of divorced parents growing up , emotionally , very quickly . It 's a kind of Hollywood trope that such kids are preternaturally wise beyond their years . But it does seem to happen that way in real life quite a lot . Now I know the reason why . In those days , I had no time to think about spiritual matters . I was working long hours , topped off by parental responsibilities . In the very early days , there was the additional stress and nastiness of a messy divorce . Br had started drinking again , in earnest now and without brakes . When we were together , he would fall off the wagon from time to time , and that was bad enough , but now he wasn 't even trying to stay sober . On several occasions , he didn 't make it to the lawyer 's office for meetings . When he did , he was usually at least partly drunk or hung over . Whereas in the past , I might have tried to reach in and " save " him or at least make the effort to understand the psychic pain he was trying to self - medicate away , I no longer felt him as a part of me . He wasn 't my emotional responsibility anymore . If he drank himself to an early grave , I wasn 't even sure I 'd feel sorry . I simply had no emotional energy left for him . He 'd frittered away all my concern and love for him . If and when he ever needed it again , there would be nothing left in reserve . Ironically , when I died years later , he was still alive , albeit not so well . The boys were already grown . My oldest was married with a new baby girl , who I was so happy to get to meet before I left . My husband came to my funeral and sat in the back . He was sober then , but years of alcoholism had taken their toll . He looked 87 not 57 . " Your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me , " he told him . " but I wasn 't good enough for her . I had to leave , otherwise I would have destroyed all of you . " If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! He was just a baby when I found him . He was hurt and frightened . He 'd been orphaned or perhaps abandoned . People believe that every mother has a biological drive to protect her child , but I can tell you this isn 't always so . So I took him as my own child . I nurtured him and taught him as best I could . After some time , he began to run away . The first time , he was gone for a whole day . I looked for him everywhere ! I called his name through the trees until my throat was sore . I was mad with grief and panic ! I was sure I would never see him again . But then , the next morning , there he was in his favorite spot on the porch . He greeted me as always . I was so happy to see him , I forgave him for putting me through all that . As he got older , he began to run away more often . Each time , he stayed away longer and longer . Each time , I was sure I 'd seen the end of him but he always came back . For a long time , each time he ran away , I would cry and worry but after a while , however , he was gone more than he was with me . When he went away , I simply shrugged my shoulders and went about my days , without giving him much thought . I stopped looking for him . When he did , I let him inside , but I did not hold him close . I stopped feeding him . He didn 't need that from me anymore . I did nothing to keep him bound to me . I did not allow my emotions to be stirred . I knew he would be gone again soon . Eventually I moved away from that place . If he ever returned , he did not find me . He could no more stay with me than I could have lived in the trees in the jungle . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . Think of others who might enjoy it too , and help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have just started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! - Adrienne I was a great beauty . All my life , I was grateful for this . It opened many doors which never would have opened to me if I 'd been born plain . My mother had been a great beauty herself as a girl , and was still beautiful as I became a young woman . She 'd been divorced from my father since I was small . For my entire childhood , she was obsessed about finding a second , wealthy husband . She studied , calculated , plotted . She was singular in this goal . She was not above telling men that I was her baby sister ; that she was raising me alone after our mother died . This , she believed , made her seem saintly and nurturing without the taint of " used merchandise . " She dated a lot of men , but to her great heartbreak , promise seemed to vanish just as she was feeling most hopeful about permanence . To the outside world , she remained gay and carefree , but alone at night , while doing her evening beauty regimen , she 'd examine herself in the mirror and fret that her looks would run out before she found a suitable man . She had no means of supporting herself . Her only skill was to convince a man to take care of her . If she lost that advantage , she 'd have nothing . She taught me everything she knew . She showed me how to use a coy glance to bring a man to my side . She taught me how to tease a man with promises of his own imagination . She taught me the trick of giving just enough to make him want more , but not so much as to ever satisfy him . She dressed me to accentuate my natural assets ( which were considerable . ) She showed me the secrets of maquillage , which , when used skillfully can make a woman appear to be more or less than what she actually is . When I was sixteen , I fell in love with a sweet young man . We talked about running away together . Mother quickly broke us apart and forbade me to see him again . I was devastated . A woman 's status , she explained , was completely dependent upon the status of the men in her life . She had great hopes for me . I would use my beauty to marry somebody powerful and wealthy . She would not let me throw myself away on a common boy who would never go very far . There would be more suitors , she promised , of far higher caliber . And so there were . Mother made sure of that . She pushed and preened and schooled me ; she insinuated me into the right circles . She invented a story for me to tell about myself . I met rich , handsome men . Captains of industry and their sons . Famous entertainers . Influential politicians . Mother married me off to the best prospect . I was elated . I had won the prize ! My life was exactly as it was meant to me . But soon I was no longer happy . We had both conquered each other and no longer had need of each other . An unhappy wife makes an unhappy husband . And vice versa . We ended in divorce , but not before I had acquired property and position . I did not want to make the same mistake my mother had made . I was a divorcee but I was moving in more rarefied circles . I leapfrogged from one man to the next , each more powerful and wealthy than the last . I accumulated status and money . All that was important to me was to rise as high as possible above my standing at birth . I swore I would not end up like my mother . Over the years , Mother 's fret gave way to worry . The worry eventually blossomed into full panic . By the time she was in her late forties , she was finding it difficult to hold her desperation in check , even though she knew she must - nothing sends a lover fleeing faster than the fetor of desperation . I did not want to become a woman who waited for men to choose her . I vowed to always be the one to chose . Even as I got older , I carried myself with confidence . I was an aging beauty but a beauty nonetheless . When I wanted to , I could still be quite charming . But I was selfish ; I was vain ; I was spoiled ( as beautiful woman often are . ) I was perfectly willing to use anyone who could be helpful without a single thought to the consequences for them . I was very practiced at extracting what I wanted from others , as quickly as possible , with as little emotional investment as possible . I married three times . I had two children both of whom met tragic ends , ravaged by the plague of a selfish , vain , spoiled mother . I can 't say I mourned very deeply at the time . We 'd never been particularly close . Few , if any , of my ex - lovers or husbands had much good to say about me . Once my spell on them was broken , all my ugliness became apparent . I made no effort to hide it . I didn 't try to be polite or kind . It mattered not what they thought of me ; they were of no use to me any longer . One evening , when I was in my late 70s , I came home from a gala , went to sleep and never woke up . Some acquaintances might have shed a polite tear or two , but there was nobody to truly mourn me . I 'd only grazed the surface of the lives of others . My mother had convinced me that my beauty was a key that would open doors for me . I understand now that it was not a key at all . It was the padlock . It kept me a prisoner of shallow intentions . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . Think of others who might enjoy it too , and help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have just started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! - Adrienne From the earliest time I can recall , I hated my father . He was a mean drunk who sometimes got physically abusive . I remember him hitting my mother once or twice when I was very young , but soon my older brother put himself between the two of them and voluntarily took the brunt of the blows upon himself . I watched that sick theater from the sidelines , rarely finding myself in the middle of it , but hating him all the same . There were all sorts of men in there , mostly itinerant , rootless farmhands . Some were good men - kind , generous , funny ; some were as miserable and ornery as my father . Many were from far away ; some from other countries . It was the kind of life which made having a stable romantic relationship or family life impractical , unsustainable . And so , a subculture of homosexuality arose . These men were " homosexuals of convenience " not because of any innate proclivity . They wanted sexual satisfaction , and other men happened to be most proximate . Man - on - man sexual trysts were not discussed openly , but they were alluded to ; joked about , judged as nonchalantly as masturbation . This might have been what they did but it wasn 't who they were , or how they defined themselves . For a young man my age , with few heterosexual outlets , this kind of easy sexual satisfaction had its appeal . I felt no shame about it . I had no reason so . Within the limited micro - culture in which I existed , it was perfectly acceptable behavior . Normalcy is always relative . What feels normal to us is simply what is familiar . Whether one grows up in a family of straight - laced missionaries or a tribe of flesh - eating zombies , with little outside reference , this is going to seem perfectly normal . And so , touching men and having them touch me felt completely natural . My brother remained at home , standing guard over my mother . By the time he was 22 , however , he 'd had enough . He joined the army . It was a time of relative national peace and it provided an easy and expedient remedy for his unhappy and stifling situation . Before he left , he sat me down and told me that I would now have to sleep at home every night and take over the responsibility for my mother 's protection . I did this with mixed feelings . Certainly , I wanted my mother protected from my father 's drunken furies . Since she refused to leave him , the duty fell to me . By then , I was big and strong ; my physical presence was enough of a deterrent . He knew he raised his hand to me at his own peril . I wasn 't worried that I 'd ever have to fight him . I just didn 't want to live under the same roof as him ; didn 't want to breath the same air ; didn 't want to be subject to his angry tirades or sullen moods . I 'd been living at home for a year or so , hating every minute , when we got the news . My brother had been killed in a training exercise . We didn 't get many details but it didn 't much matter . He was gone and never coming back . My mother was inconsolable . She blamed herself for not standing up to my father , thus forcing my brother to take the only option he felt he had available to him . She blamed herself for not having chosen a better father for her children . She was consumed with grief and guilt and pain until it literally ate her up inside . She died of cancer within the year . I stuck around until after the funeral , but had little reason to remain anywhere near my home town . I drifted for a while , working on ranches , here and there . It was a comfortable way of life for me . I was good at what I did and I enjoyed the work and the camaraderie . Eventually , however , the smallness of my world became claustrophobic . The wide open spaces closed in . I became fascinated with the notion of getting lost in a crowd ; of becoming anonymous in a human crush ; of leaving my baggage behind and reinventing myself . I hadn 't considered that I had no idea how to survive in this alien environment , nor did I know anyone there who could teach me . I was such an outsider , it was impossible for me to blend in , to vanish inconspicuously into a crowd . I didn 't understand the pace , the lingo , the urban mentality . I had a limited education and no practical business skills . I was a naïf in place that chewed up people like me and spit them out . Fortunately ( so it seemed at the time ) , there were plenty of men who were willing to pay for this and I quickly I learned where to find them . For many , an authentic cowboy held a certain appeal . My skill with a rope was in demand and offered an introduction to a more discriminating and higher - paying crowd . I had arrived just in time for the heyday of gay nightlife . Discos and bathhouses were teeming with horny men . There was a never - ending supply of drugs which kept us up all night or melted our muscles or enhanced our orgasms or cured the diseases we passed back and forth to each other . I cultivated some wealthy men friends who were happy to pay for my skill set but I never deluded myself into thinking I was anything more than a toy to them . They were educated and refined . They read books , went to the theater , discussed politics , understood the nuances of business . They felt comfortable in expensive restaurants and knew how to order fine wine . They knew where to shop and how to dress . I did pick up some refinement from them but mostly , these things remained foreign to me . I didn 't care . I was in it for the fun . For the freedom . For the money . I was grateful to be half a continent away from my father , and having a great time of it , too ! Although I traveled with that crowd , I never thought of myself as gay . I didn 't love men . I didn 't have any feelings for them . I never looked at a man with sexual desire . To me , they were merely a means of making a living . If a woman wanted to have sex with me , I was OK with that too . They would suffice if I were drunk or stoned enough , but women never wanted to pay for sex ( at least not the ones I met ) so ultimately , they were of no use to me . The few times I did sleep with a woman , things always got complicated in ways I didn 't understand . They weren 't like men . I could have sex with ten men in a night without knowing any of their names , never see any of them again , and none of them would care . I preferred it that way . I suppose eventually I would have found emptiness in this lifestyle too but before then , the sickness came . At first , it was mysterious , disturbing . But soon it became terrifying in the way it spread , in its quickness and mercilessness . Friends and acquaintances became ill and died . If I didn 't run into someone for a while , I always suspected the worst and was often right . There was a pall on the scene . The bathhouses were closed . We were shunned . People said horrible things about us and perhaps some of them were even a bit true . For the older men , this was far worse than the early years when they had to live in secret . I had no one . Those older rich men - the ones who were still healthy - wanted no part of someone like me . I had never been their friend and now I was a pariah . The sick ones , rich and poor , had their own problems . I had nobody , no place to go , no money , no way to make a living . In the years since I 'd left , my father had found God . He 'd stopped drinking and , to his credit , had developed compassion . He wanted to make amends , to pay penance for the deaths of my brother and mother . He accepted responsibility for the broken mess my family had become . He felt it was his duty to take care of me during my final months . The irony wasn 't lost on me . I 'd come full circle . In the end , the most significant relationship I had , the only person I 'd ever shown any vulnerability to , was the one person I spent my whole life avoiding . I couldn 't get far enough away from and yet , in the end , I traveled halfway across a continent to die in his arms . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . Also , I have also started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) I died while giving birth to my second child . This was how we arranged it before any of us were born . They needed to experience life without a mother . Previously , we had also been mother and children . In that lifetime , I was very controlling . I lived a long life so neither of them ever learned to be fully independent . By the time I died as an old woman , my children were old themselves , with children and grandchildren of their own . Of course I always had their best interests at heart and usually chose well for them , based on their personalities , their abilities and their nature . They understood this and so deferred to me on everything . But in doing this , I never allowed them to find the way on their own They brought me all their problems and ceded to my advice . They were usually satisfied with the results , if only because they were content and secure in knowing the best decisions had been made for them . They trusted that I would always direct them to the best possible outcome , given the circumstances . They valued me for my wisdom , and it is true that I was wise in many ways . I did provide well - considered solutions to their problems . But in the most important way , I was not wise at all . I kept them passive and obedient , willing to accept the wisdom of another , never motivated to search for wisdom on their own . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days . Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . 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Today was a very long day . I got down to Columbia yesterday and spent the night at my brother 's house . He and I left this morning to go to Charleston for my Aunt 's funeral . It was at Sullivan 's Island Baptist Church . There was a good crowd , and I was glad to see my cousins again . It is a pity , though , that the only time we see each other is at funerals or weddings . There is a wedding in the family in January , so maybe we will all get together again then . We have a big family of cousins , mostly living in the Charleston area . The funeral lasted an hour at the church . It seemed a little too long , but it was nice . We then went by motorcade to the cemetery in Mount Pleasant . I really got turned around , but thankfully my brother drove , and he followed the other cars . I think we would still be driving around , if we didn 't follow others . The cemetery service was short and sweet . We then headed to my cousin William 's house for lunch . The spread of food was fantastic . And very good . John and I left around 2pm , so we could get back to Columbia , and I could go on to Greenville . My car acted up on the way back here . I hope I don 't have to get it fixed again . Mainly since I can 't afford it now . I am pretty tired now , but I am very glad I went . As I said yesterday , Aunt Lib was the last one of my Aunts and Uncles . She raised some wonderful people . A quality of Dursts . I suppose it is unusual for four aunts to die so close to one another . Two of my aunts on my mother 's side - - Aunt Becky and Aunt Gladys ; and two on my father 's side - - Aunt Grace and Aunt Lib . Aunt Lib died yesterday , just three days before her 100th birthday . She lived in Mount Pleasant , SC . Her husband was my Uncle George , who was my father 's brother . He was the doctor for Sullivan 's Island , and my cousin George inherited the business . Uncle George and Aunt Lib had 3 sons and a daughter . Aunt Lib had been ill in recent years , and it is truly a blessing that she has gone one to reunite with Uncle George and the rest of her peers in Heaven . But , it is also something that we , as cousins , need to reflect on now . With the passing of Aunt Lib , we no longer have any living Uncles or Aunts , as well as Mothers or Fathers . She was the last one . We just have us - - the cousins . I am the youngest of the first cousins , which I guess says something about the ages of those older than me . I suppose some of them would take exception to my characterizing them as old , so I won 't say that . After all , my cousin William is only less than a year older than me . As I said at Aunt Grace 's funeral in Atlanta this summer , the Durst wives were very strong women . They had to be , because they were married to Durst men . They all had character and knew what they wanted to do . Aunt Lib 's legacy is four successful and educated children . She insisted on their education came first . She loved the water , and she loved God . May we all draw from her strength in the days ahead . Thank you , Aunt Lib , for being gracious and caring . And , may God bless our family during these days and the days ahead . I am going to tell you a secret . If you are a woman , this may be a surprise to you , especially since you have never seen it , but it exists . It is The Guy Manual . It is how guys know what to do or act . We don 't usually share it with women , but it supports our actions . I cannot share everything in the manual , as some things need to be kept secret , but I can share some things . 1 . We don 't need to ask directions - - when we are driving and looking for that special place , we don 't need a map or GPS . We can just drive around , and we will eventually find it . How do we do this ? We were in the Boy Scouts , and we know where the sun is in relation to where we are . 2 . We don 't need to look at a manual to put something together - - we are smart enough to know if there is a screw and a nut , and then see a hole with grooves , then the screw goes in the hole . Besides , those directions are usually written in another language we can 't read anyway , and the drawing looks nothing like the item . 3 . We have eyes - - if a pretty girl walks by , we are going to look at her . The woman may look at what the girl is wearing , but we can 't tell you those details . 4 . We are going to drive fast - - that 's okay , because we want to get home to you . And , if you believe that , I have some land to talk to you about on the coast in the water with a beautiful view of the ocean . 5 . We will be your slave - - because we want you to believe that we care . There are more items in the manual . If you are a woman , don 't try to look for the manual in our stuff . We read it , memorized it , and then burned it . No evidence . Today is the grand opening of Simple Pleasures . It is a collectibles store in Simpsonville , and there is nothing like it in South Carolina . Not in Charleston or Columbia . Not in Aiken or Greenville . Why ? Because it has things that no one else is offering . Like what ? It has jewelry from the far corners of the world . It has things from Nepal and South America . Since most people can 't afford to go there , the store has brought it to you . It has unusual candles and creams . There are gifty things that would be great for Christmas . There are one - of - a - kind lamps , including Dale Tiffany pieces . There are framed color photos from around South Carolina , including the mountains and the beach . And , my contribution to the store - - my autograph collection . The autographs include musicians , movie stars , sports , politics , world leaders , and more . Some are framed , but most are not . A few are pre - prints , but most are signed in - person . Some are also inscribed , which adds to the legit nature of the autographs . Many are vintage autographs . This store , with its many parts , is a perfect place to come for that special Christmas gift that you can be assured that no one else has . If you want your loved one to have something unique and different , this is the place for you . It is located in downtown Simpsonville at 104 West Curtis Street , right across from the clock tower . Come and see . You will be amazed . I have written some about my love for everything James Bond . The movies , the books , the posters , the toys , the autographs , the music , whatever else . I have seen all the movies , most of them multiple times . I can quote dialogue . I can tell you what the names of the actors are , even the minor characters . I know some of the bloopers from the films . I have won trivia contests . I just love James Bond . For example , do you know who the first James Bond was on screen ? Barry Nelson played him in a TV production of " Casino Royale " in the late 1950 's . My favorite actor was Sean Connery . Everyone has their favorite , I guess , but Connery was tough who didn 't take himself too seriously . Roger Moore started off very good , but he had two problems . One was the movies became something of a comic strip . The scripts were a little too fantastic . Who thinks that Bond could actually fly a space shuttle ? The other problem was age . Toward the end of his tenure , he just couldn 't keep up with the action . If you look at " View to a Kill " , it is too obvious that a younger man was doing his stunts . Connery used a stunt man too , but at least he looked like Connery . George Lazenby played Bond in " OHMSS " . Despite being Australian , I thought he did a good job . That film still makes me cry . Timothy Dalton brought a toughness to the part . He did a good job , especially in " Licence to Kill " . I would have liked to have seen him go further . Then came Brosnan . I liked him okay , but I had a problem watching him run . I guess I am a little picky here , but he just had problems running . Of his films , my favorite was " The World is Not Enough " . Now , there is Daniel Craig . The jury is still out on him . They say the new film is great . We will see on November 14th . As for my favorite , it is hard to say , because each one has its own merits , but I would go with " Goldfinger " . Maybe " You Only Live Twice " . Or " The Spy Who Loved Me " . What about . . . In my otherwise boring life , I treasure those times that give me a nice day . Without sounding too down , the reason that I liked working in retail was because every day was different . If you were lucky , you could say that every minute was different . I have had jobs that were very rigid and was the same . You had to do stuff to humor yourself just to stay sane . For example , when I worked in a vault at a bank , it was an 8 - hour job , but I did something only twice a day , so there was a lot of down time . I read books and listened to music . When I worked for the Census , we processed forms all day long . I ended up looking for weird names , just to keep my mind busy . I need a job to keep my mind busy , just in case you are out there . So , yesterday was such a day . I went by my Best Bud 's house . Joni and I spent some time at her house . Her father came over , and I got to talk to him for a few minutes . He is nice . Then , Joni and I went out to Columbiana Center for a shopping spree . It was fun to get out with her and with other people . I had forgotten how busy a mall could be . Columbia Mall used to be that way , before it turned into a ghetto mall . After about 4 hours with her , we said our goodbyes , and I headed on back to Greenville . It is great to see the leaves change . I think it is my favorite time of year . Except for the Laurens County deputy that got behind me and followed me for 10 miles , everything else yesterday was nice . You don 't dare going over the speed limit , and I didn 't . Don 't give him an excuse . So , Joni . Thanks for a nice day . No , my arms aren 't too sore today . I 'll be your slave any day . Well , I got to Columbia in the pouring rain . And , yes , without working windshield wipers . If you are ever in that situation , Rain - X works very well . So , I got to Columbia Mall and got to see some friends . Then , I had the interview with Sears . I thought it went pretty well . There are two jobs available . The first is in TV 's . That is straight commission . That is like walking a tightrope without a net . I would love to work in TV 's , but I also would like to know that I am getting paid and how much . The other was in Tools , Lawn Care and Sporting Goods . The lady asked me if I knew anything about that stuff . I sold Sporting Goods years ago , and I also knew the difference between a hammer and a screwdriver . That job is a hourly rate plus commission . This interview was the first one , and then they said there would be call - backs in a couple of weeks with the job starting November 15th . I really would like something that I can depend on financially , but we will see what happens . I have put in so many applications and expressed interest in others that I have lost count , so hopefully someone will take a chance on me . I then went to the old apartments , where I used to live - - Ravenwood . The manager was excited that I might move back there . Then , I went to my brother 's house and reported on my day . Then , I met Del for dinner at Richland Mall . If I move back , he will be my roommate , maybe . Then , I spent the night with thankfully no fire alarm at 4am . But , I woke up at 4am anyway . One curse of wearing glasses is misreading my watch . I thought it said 7 , but it was upside down . I am going back to Greenville probably later this afternoon . I know that there are a lot of layoffs around the country , but surely somebody needs me . Do you ? I need help . We all need help . I try and not be so self - centered , because quite frankly it makes me mad that some people are just out for themselves and do not see others . There may be others very close to you that need help , but you have your blinders on and don 't want to be bothered . Maybe you are just too cold . I used to be that way , but when I needed help , things changed . My life changed . I became a survivalist . There are people in my family , and some former friends , who think of me as a beggar . They don 't like beggars . But , I am so close to being homeless , it isn 't funny . So , what is the reality ? Here we go . I have very little money , and I don 't have a job . I am going to Columbia today to see if Sears will hire me and pay a decent wage . It is going to be raining , and my windshield wipers don 't work . Is that dedication or just being stupid ? I guess it depends on your point of view . My roommate informed me that my living situation in Greenville may come to an end at the end of the year . Without a job , I just try to survive . I am selling some stuff on the internet , and my autograph collection is in a store in Simpsonville . With hopes that some will sell , but it is not a done deal . Nothing in my life is a done deal . I suffer from depression , but I try to keep my head above water . If I do move back to Columbia , which looks like I will , how can I afford a place to stay ? Maybe a roommate . Someone who I know . No serial killers nor smokers . Some place that won 't cost much . I need a job that I can make a living . Where I don 't have to ask others for help . It is the worst think for me to ask others for help . Some have been very nice and helped me . I guess they saw something in me that I didn 't deserve . I need a newer car . Despite taking it to the shop 3 times , it still doesn 't run right . Hopefully , it will take me to Columbia today . It won 't last much longer . It will turn 20 next year , but I am afraid it won 't see that birthday . Without cash or credit , how am I going to be able to afford a car ? Without a job or a place Posted by Hopefully , everybody gets older . They tell you that you slow up , as you get older . There are some days that is true , and others when I feel young . In my mind , I am in my twenties or thirties . Then , I have to remind myself that is not so true . I think getting older is a conspiracy with asprin companies . If it weren 't for us , they would be out of business . You can blame it on the cold or rain , but the aches and pains can come down to age . In my family , we have several people who lived well into their 90 's . My Grandmother Durst lived to be 105 . When she was asked what her secret was , she said " breathing in and breathing out " . My Grandmother was a remarkable woman . She raised four sons pretty much by herself . Her husband died at an early age . She taught school to put her sons through college . They turned out pretty well . And they all lived a long life . My Grandmother was very opinionated . I still can 't smell baby powder without thinking of her . When she would come to visit , she would stay in my room and drown herself with baby powder every morning . She made tomato jello for me , when I visited her house in Greenwood . I have trouble eating a tomato now . Never eat tomato jello . It will make you sick . I got mad with my father a lot , as he got older . Between the lack of hearing and the dementia , it was very frustrating communicating with him . I know it was frustrating for him , too , especially when he also had trouble moving around . I am not proud of losing my temper with him , but there is one thing that I am thankful for . During the last couple of years of my father 's life , I got to know him and talk to him about his life . I learned many things about how he contributed to the lives of others , and how much he was a pioneer in Southern Baptist circles . It is easy to dismiss older people , because you are young , but they have been there before you . I have some stories to tell , too . That is kind of what this blog is about . I hope I can breathe in and breathe out a little longer . And , you wanna hear a little secret ? The older yPosted by You know , I am a political junkie . And a news junkie . I love to watch the goings and comings of candidates . And , you really need to know what is going on , as it affects all of our lives . I also have some pet peeves . Most of them are about driving , but there is one about politics . When a candidate says , " I have a plan " . They may have a plan to fix health care , or the economy , or some other program . Sometimes , they are specific about their plan , and sometimes they just say that they have a plan . So , here is my question . If they have a plan to fix the economy , for example , why do we have to wait until they are elected or not ? If it is such a great plan , why don 't they tell other lawmakers , and get them excited too ? Then , those lawmakers will push a bill through . And , if it is a Presidential election , the country will feel so much better now , because their lives are better now , and they don 't have to wait until next year . The country is hurting now . People have lost their savings . And their homes . And their jobs . If a candidate has a plan to make things better , then why keep it a secret until they get elected ? Is the public so stupid that they can 't see that the candidate just wants to get elected and then forget about the plan ? There are always other issues that come up , and the pln is put on the back - burner . For example , there was a guy running for governor in South Carolina once who ran on the issue of eliminating property tax . He also had a plan to reduce car insurance . He got elected , but other things came up , and those two issues were never passed . Also , look at Bill Clinton . One reason he was elected President was that he had a plan for universal health insurance . Guess what ? It never passed . But , if they have a wonderful plan to cure global warming , or a plan to give every person a job , or a plan to reform health care , I don 't think I can wait until the Spring of 2009 or beyond . I am wondering where my next meal will come from . I have a plan . When I was starting out as an actor , one of my teachers suggested that we watch others . How they walk and talk . What are their mannerisms ? Do they use gestures , when they talk or keep their hands close to their bodies ? Do they give eye contact or look away ? You can learn a lot from looking at others . Then , you can use that to develop a character from what you observe . You would be amazed the people I have used for characters . Many have been people that I actually know . So watch out . But , you can watch people as a fun way to make the day go by . I have a friend named Gwen . She and I worked together at Belk in Columbia Mall . After we had lunch , we would sit in the mall and watch people walk by . Most were total strangers . So , we would make up stories about the people . Some were models . Some were spies . Some were criminals . It was a funny way to pass the time . Gwen moved to Virginia . I am sure she still plays the game , as I do too . I find others play the game , as well . It is not meant to make fun of others , but it is important not to let the ones being seen to hear you . Maybe it is part of the game to be dangerous . Don 't get caught . The big part of the game is to not be prejudicial . Don 't racial profile people . You just create strange occupations or characteristics . So , who knows ? I may be watching you . Last night was the first time this season that I had to drag out my quilt and blanket . Also wearing my long johns . Since we don 't do heat much here , I have to do what I can to stay warm . Thus , 3 layers of bed clothes and 5 layers of bed linens keeps me warm , at least for now . I guess it is to be expected , since it is October , but I have very little body fat to keep me warm . What fat I do have is in my midsection . Anyone who hasn 't seen me in a while would be surprised about my weight gain , but so it is . Maybe if I go back to work , I 'll lose some of this . Hope so , because I am not used to it . But , here is a clue for all of you not from here , it will get warmer . But , right now it is colder here than NYC . Something is wrong with that . This is Monday . A lot to do today . I have a lot to mail at the post office . I will need to go to Mary 's collectibles store . It is not officially open , but due to a mistake in the paper , they are open now . If you are ever in Simpsonville , drop by downtown . It is called Simple Pleasures , and it is across from the clock tower . Okay , so much for the commercial . I have to think about moving . It is hard to believe . The good news is that most of my stuff is still in boxes . The bad news is that much of my muscles aren 't as strong as they were this time last year , so I may need help or take a long time . Enjoy your Monday . I am writing this from an undisclosed location . All I can say is that I am at a place , where I could watch the Clemson game , Alabama game , Applachian State game , and the Carolina game yesterday . I was in football heaven . A shout - out to JJ - - I wish I had a tape of your national TV appearance . So , yesterday was quite interesting . Before I got here , I went by Fluor Field in downtown Greenville to catch a little of " Bo Hopkins Day " . I didn 't know he was from Greenville , but I knew he was from SC . Anyway , I heard a country singer that I didn 't know . Then came The Out - of - Towners , which was a beach band . Some of the members of The Swinging Medallions were also there , so they all joined onstage with Bo for a jam of " Double Shot " . It was really good and quite funny . A few minutes later , Bo was walking around , and I got to meet him . I told him that we had something in common , in that we had both worked with Burt Reynolds . I told him that I was in " Semi - Tough " . He said he remembered , and I am not quite sure if he thought he was supposed to know me as an actor , but it was funny . Then , he said he was in " White Lightning " , and I told him I knew . Then , he invited me to get some food . He was very personable . He headed on to find a place for a smoke break . BTW , he smokes unfiltered Camels , which I found to be appropriate . We talked a little further about a project that he has coming up that he is producing on Shoeless Joe Jackson . He seemed disappointed that I was leaving , but I had to get to the football . I didn 't get an autograph , but I have a new friend . Everyone was Bo 's friend yesterday . Did you know that he was in " American Graffiti " ? Or the TV pilot for " Charlie 's Angels " ? Or " The Wild Bunch " ? Yep , that 's Bo . Not all of my teams won yesterday . That is usually the way , but it was a good day . It looks like I will be moving again sooner than later . My roommate told me yesterday that he will be probably taking a job in Clemson , which would mean that he is going to put this condo up for rent . That would mean that I am going to have to find a place to stay . I guess I will be moving back to Columbia , which is where most of my friends are . I have enjoyed being here in Greenville for almost a year . The people have been very nice , and the mountains have been very calming . The arts are very big up here , and there are concerts everywhere . It has just been a joy being here , but it is time to go . I can 't be semi - retired anymore . I need to have some responsibilities again , despite that stress . So , if you are in Columbia , and you know of a job or a cheap place to stay , please let me know . I will be in Columbia on Friday the 24th and maybe into the weekend . I also hope I can get some help in moving . My body is not as strong as it once was . Oh , poor baby . I know that regular readers of this blog will know there is a familiar theme of the importance of friends . One of my many faults is that I have trouble expressing myself in person , but that I do very well expressing myself by writing . It allows me to think before saying something , at least usually . I have been known to write something without thinking about the consequences , but I am learning to edit myself . I have so much to say to people in person . Maybe I am afraid of rejection or just that they will laugh and think I am not serious . When it comes to my friends , I am dead serious . They mean the world to me . At the risk of embarrassing anyone , I would like to single out a few people who mean a lot to me , for one reason or another . Some of you may not know these people , but they are all a part of my soul . If I forget anyone , please forgive me . We may do another one of these in the future , so stay tuned . These are not in any real order . Here goes . Pam - - she came along at a time when my world was quickly coming to an end . She showed me that I have self - worth . A smile can do that . Konnie - - she makes me laugh , despite knowing we both were having tough times . But , she is also very deep . And she cared . Aubrey - - the encourager . She is very old for her young age , and I mean that as a compliment . Maybe it is because she is from Ohio , or maybe it is because she is a creative soul . Joni - - she is a listener . We have shared a lot in the last year or two . For some reason , she and I have a strong friendship . She is also one who cares . She has a kind heart . Thom and Mary Ann - - my other family . When they saw I wasn 't having a family Christmas , they allowed me to share their holiday with them . I share Easter and Thanksgiving with them too , as well as other times , when we can get together . They have been too kind to me without making a big deal of it . There is nothing like having a family . Talula - - we have known each other since college , and even went to Europe together . She has a big heart and continues to care . Mary - - another friend frPosted by Yesterday was not a fun - filled day . To the contrary . It was filled with one crisis after another . First , I had a nosebleed . It wasn 't too bad , but it was bad enough . I decided to stay around the condo , rather than what I wanted to do . I wasn 't feeling too good . I did go out to a cafeteria for lunch . Shortly after I got back , there was a knock on the door , and it was a man who had come to turn off the electricity for non - payment . I was shocked , to say the least , because I didn 't know the bill had not been paid . I thought my roommate was taking care of it . I tried calling him , but he didn 't answer , so I paid the bill to prevent it being turned off . Then , I talked to my roommate , and he was livid . He blamed me for the bill not being paid , and I was scared . I didn 't know what his frame of mind would be , and whether violence would be involved , so I left . I grabbed a few things and drove to Columbia . I saw some friends . I visited with my brother for a while and got some advice on how to proceed . I don 't know what will happen next , but I do have some options . So , I went to the motel to get a little sleep . At 4am this morning , I was awakened by the fire alarm going off . First , I didn 't know where I was , but once I got myself together , I dressed and went outside . The police was there , but not the fire department . In talking to some other people , they said the alarm had been going off for some time , but the authorities didn 't seem too concerned . About 4 : 30 , we heard the fire department coming down the street , but they soon left , finding nothing . I got a couple of hours more to sleep . So , I am heading back to Greenville today with the hope of things being a bit better . If not , I may be heading out of Dodge . It is rather scary . I am working without a net . God help us all . When you close your door behind you at night , are you the same person that you were at work or school ? I would venture a guess that you are not . When I worked in retail , I acted every single day . I was not nearly who I was behind closed doors . I was much more outgoing . I was a leader . People liked me . I didn 't second - guess myself . When I closed that door , I was much more shy . I didn 't want to be around people . I wanted to be by myself . I am much better one on one than with a group of people . It is kind of a paradox , in that I have this talent for acting and public speaking . I guess I do , or at least people say I do . People who really know me say how surprised they are that I turn on , when I get on stage . But , behind closed doors I am a little different . Behind closed doors , some people are abusive of others . I don 't think I am there , but I saw a little of that growing up . I don 't want to say anything bad about my parents , but let us just say that my father was very conservative , and my mother wasn 't as much , so there was a little conflict in our household . When you live in a home , where there is a preacher , things can get a little testy . If you are lucky enough to have a mother and a father , that is a good thing . But , if you don 't , you make the best of your life and adapt . My parents , especially my father , believed in spanking . Today , it would be considered child abuse . Personally , I believe that spanking is a good thing , as long as it is not extreme . Children need to understand that they can 't get away with stuff . Sometimes it is cute , but other times they need to understand that their actions can result in bad things . I am not big on spanking children in public . That can get a little too violent . There is a story in the news here about a preacher who disciplined a child in a school . The preacher got permission from the mother by phone to spank the child , and he did . Now , the preacher has been arrested for child abuse . Come on , people . This is another example of our legal system gone amuck . I haven 't seen the brPosted by I have written about the creek near our old house . It was about two blocks away . The creek was part of a waterway that snakes through Columbia . When I was a kid , I loved to play in the creek . I think it was because of what my parents and I did , when I was a child . We would visit the mountains , and we would wade in the cold streams . It was something we did . We didn 't have video games or computers . We made our own fun , unless it rained , and then we played board games or watched TV . But , we spent a lot of time outside . The creek wasn 't too deep . The water went up to your knees , but it was cool . There were also little hills around the creek . We would use the hills and the woods to learn to smoke . Not proud of that . I saw my first adult magazine in those woods . I also saw a snake and some big rats . But , the creek was still the big thing . It flowed under a bridge that crossed Belt Line Blvd . It was a four - lane road . Underneath the bridge was a flat concrete part of the creek , and it was fun to watch the water cascade under the bridge to another creek . The creek itself had a sandy bottom . Once , I was walking in the creek , and my foot went into a hole that had broken glass . It cut up my foot pretty bad . I limped home and got patched up . They didn 't take me to the hospital . They would have today . Parents freak out much more today than back then . When I got a little older , I did a little playing with fire . I set a little wood on fire near the creek , and it got out of control . I tried to put it out from the water from the creek , but it wasn 't working . I ran home and called the fire department . They came and put it out . Saved by the bell . No one knew I set the fire until today . I hope the statute of limitations has run out some 40 years later . It was an accident though . The creek pretty much went underground , as houses and businesses grew up around it and on it . It became a memory , but anyone who ever played in the creek knows what a special place it was . I was watching a street today , which runs in front of a shop in a small town . There is a traffic light at the end of the street . People were stopping at the red light halfway up the block , instead of going to the corner . Was it because they couldn 't see the light from the corner ? Maybe , but it was still strange . I got to thinking about it . Maybe they couldn 't judge the front of their car to the corner . That would be pretty disturbing . I was reminded about something I was told , when I took driving lessons . The teacher told me to match the end of my hood to the back wheels of the car in front of me , and then I would be correctly behind the car in front of me . My father was a notorious tailgater . It used to scare my Mother . I once was in the car with my freshman roommate in college . We were going up the interstate and getting on the tail of the cars in front of us . I asked him what if the guy in front of us panicked and put on the brakes . He said that we would just fly over him and keep going . But , conversely , why do some drivers insist on being so far back from the guy in front of them ? That really bothers me . Do they have a slow reaction time , in case they need to brake ? That is hard to say , but I just think they have a depth perception problem . Whatever it is , please either speed up or get in the slow lane , so I can go around you . Thank you . I don 't know how many people read my blog on a daily basis . I would hope that a few do . When I write this thing , I think of someone to write to , but I don 't really have a target audience . I write for my own therapy . After all , it is cheaper than a psychiatrist . Some days though I think I need a therapist of some sort . There have been many days in my life that I think it would be good if I just checked out . But , there is that saying that keeps me going - - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem . So , I keep going . I know that life is not rosy behind closed doors . The best thing is to put a brave face on and pretend that everything is great . But , if I tell you something that might surprise you , would you feel sorry for me , or would you just dismiss it ? Okay , here goes . Two weeks ago , I used the keys to get into the condo 's storage basement . The keys were on a hook near the kitchen trash can . I put the keys back on the hook , after using them , and now they are gone . My roommate blames me for losing them . I don 't know what happened to them . Maybe they fell in the trash . I don 't know . I looked for them , but couldn 't find them . I live here for free , but it is time to go . I can 't stay here , when my roommate yells and wakes me up . He smokes constantly . Sometimes , he sleeps for two days during the weekend and complains he is tired during the week . I think that if he had a schedule to stick to , he would be a better person . Maybe if he exercised . I can 't even carry on a conversation with him . If I ask how he is , he asks why do I ask ? It is as though he is paranoid . I have appreciated this time of staying here . It has been a nice respite from the hell I lived in Columbia . The past 30 years of retail abuse has gone away . They say that if you work in retail , you can work anywhere . Nowhere in society is emotional abuse worse than in retail . I have become a much more understanding person of others after working in retail . I cannot understand my roommate . I am sorry to say that . So , to all of my Columbia friends , who mPosted by It is less than a month until the national election . Despite their pledge to not get dirty , the politics are not just dirty , they are down right ugly . I have to say that I have done some things to try and sway voters ' minds , but nothing like this . So , when did you stop beating your wife ? This mud - slinging has come to a head with an ad by the McCain campaign about Obama having a friend who is a domestic terrorist . Imagine that . The truth is that there is a guy in Chicago , who is a teacher now , but used to run an organization during the anti - war movement called the Weathermen . Other people call it the Weather Underground . Whatever you call it , it happened at a time that was very different than now . The word " terrorist " didn 't exist during the anti - war movement . But it is a buzz word . A word that causes fear in peoples ' minds today . What disturbs me is that McCain approved the ad , or at least he said he did . What happened to what the candidates are going to do for us now ? Why doesn 't Obama run an ad about McCain bombed innocent civilians in Vietnam ? It could have happened . No one could prove it , because it was war . So , here is why I can 't be President . Because I was a domestic terrorist . Toward the end of the Vietnam War , I was in the anti - war movement . I didn 't bomb anything , but I did do non - violent stuff . There were postcards that one could send to the Pentagon expressing an interest in being a nurse . I got a bunch of those and put phony names and addresses on them and sent them to the Pentagon . It forced those people to contact non - existing people and thus slowed down the work of the Pentagon . I also advocated the impeachment and resignation of the President of the United States Richard Nixon . He ultimately resigned in 1974 over Watergate . That was a happy day for me . That was a different time . The FBI investigated me , as they did a lot of others , including John Lennon . A member of the Fab Four . All we were saying was to give peace a chance . Maybe we were idealists . Maybe we were naive . But , we were trying to maPosted by I have written about my smoking life . Thankfully , I don 't smoke anymore . I do think that I suffered some lung damage . I don 't understand why people continue to smoke , despite all of the folks who have died from lung cancer and other illnesses . A lot of cities and towns have set up no smoking zones . Some have banned smoking completely . That must tell you something . My roommate smokes a lot . I wonder how much money he would save without smoking . I have heard that cigarettes are expensive . Also , the smoke gets in your clothes . I have been working with a friend to set up a collectibles store . She wanted me to bring in my concert t - shirts collection to sell . I was very happy to do that . They realized that the smell of cigarettes were all through the shirts , so they said they couldn 't use them . I suppose that they could spray them with something to get rid of the odor , but the idea that I can 't tell the difference sort of scares me . I guess I smell of smoke , too . What will it take for him to stop smoking ? I have no idea . On one hand , I have a hard time being judgemental . I have tried to always think the best about people and not criticize . I have a friend who is in the adult film industry in California . I told her long ago that I would not judge her career , because everybody has to do something . I may not agree with it , but it is okay . As long as your heart is in the right place , everything else will fall into place . But , is there a point where I have to say something ? Another reason why I can 't criticize is that I know they have gotten that all their lives . They are tired of being told that something is wrong . I know , when I heard people telling me something was wrong , I usually did the opposite . I was tired of people telling me that something was wrong . But , when it affects money in my pocket , I get a little put out . You know , they say that everything you do somehow affects others somehow . I guess that 's true . No matter how much you think you are doing things alone , you are never alone . So , smoke , smoke , smoke that cPosted by One of my favorite movies is " Airplane " . It is just so funny , and I can pretty much quote the entire movie . Another one of my favorite movies is " Airport " . It is just so suspenseful . Another one of my favorite movies is " Air Force One " . It has so much action . Do you see a trend here ? I like movies about planes . Although , I didn 't much care for " Top Gun " . I think it is because I watched it so much in the TV Department at Rich 's . I have flown many times . It does not really scare me , but I am a white - knuckled flyer upon take - off . They say take - offs and landings are the worst . The first time I was ever on a plane was Piedmont flying from Asheville to Louisville . I went with my father , and we landed at every little airport along the way . I remember them serving green roast beef , and they made steep turns . I flew a bunch in going on my trip to Europe . I have already written about the flight from London to Rome , where the plane dropped quickly , and I hyperventilated . I flew some from Dallas to Columbia , when I was going to seminary . I would usually take the red - eye , because it was so much cheaper . One landing in Columbia , the pilot landed the plane halfway down the runway and jammed on the brakes . We all cheered . Not for the pilot but because we didn 't crash . I flew from Columbia to Puerto Rico . It was a long flight but a fun one . Especially , when we flew over the Bermuda Triangle . I flew on American Express from Columbia to Nashville . That was pretty scary , because a plane like that one had crashed the week before in Alabama . We flew pretty low so I could see guys mowing the lawn . We skimmed over the mountains . The flight attendant let me sit at the front of the plane . On the return flight , a guy played the guitar , and we had a party . And then last summer , I flew from Greenville to Richmond by way of Cleveland . The take - offs were nervy . The plane was kind of small , but we made it okay . I don 't think anyone should take flying for granted , but it is kind of fun . Fly me to the moon , and let me play among the stars . I have many dreams in life . Someone who will love me . Maybe a marriage . Being financially okay . Stop collection calls . Being appreciated . Being picked first for an athletic event . Doing a job that I would enjoy . Being a famous songwriter . But , one thing that I have wanted for a lot of years is to have a store . I first thought of it around 15 years ago . My father wanted me to sell my huge collection of music and memorabilia . I did do a little mail order and record shows around the Carolinas . I did okay . The last show I did was an antique show in Greenwood . I did pretty well for that four - day show . I have a friend named Fred Arnold . He had stores in Charleston and Columbia . He did pretty well . I saw stores in Charlotte and Atlanta . They did very well . Every used record store I went in , I looked around and gathered info as to presentation . What were they doing to make a go of it ? I am not going to say , because it would give away my secrets . But , I knew that with my 30 years of retail experience , I could succeed . After all , everytime I would do something it stores , I would succeed . I just seem to have a knack for knowing what people want and how to present it . I also have a knack of selling things to people that they didn 't intend to buy . So , my dream is to open a store that sells music and memorabilia . Posters , autographs , videos , books , records , collectibles , memorabilia , and more . I want a place that I can call my own . I have planned how I would do it and know it would work . Unfortunately , thanks to my financial situation , banks won 't loan me money to do this . I have tried to get alternative funding , but that hasn 't worked either . A friend named Thom Stone used to have a mattress store in Orangeburg . He was gracious to allow me to put a few things in his store , but he had to close a few years ago . Now , another friend named Mary Jennings is opening a collectibles store in Simpsonville . She is allowing me to put my autograph collection in it , as well as a few other things . It is the closest thing to a store I have hPosted by I first really became aware of Bob Dylan in the late 1960 's . After all , I was more in tune to the British Invasion . But , my brother gave a Bob Dylan 's Greatest Hits LP for Christmas , and I just loved it . It also came with a cool poster . Even a barber shop in Columbia used that poster 's artwork for a mural on the side of their building . I know Bob gets the reputation of mumbling through his music , but the thing I like about him in concert is that he never does his songs the same . He either changes the lyrics or the melody . So often when you see somebody in concert , they will sing it just like the record , or in the case of some people , will just lipsynch to the record . Remember Milli Vanilli ? But , Bob doesn 't do that . So , sometimes it is hard to sing along with him at his shows , and he forces you to listen . I have seen Bob twice . The first was in 1988 at the Carolina Colisseum in Columbia . A reggae band called Steel Pulse opened for him , and I was first exposed to that kind of music and really liked it . Then , Bob came on , and it was magic . I saw him again about 15 years later at Township Auditorium in Columbia . I don 't normally dance in concerts , but I did this time - - nonstop . After the show , I saw his bus pull away . I ran to my car to follow it out of town . I was running lights and doing 70 in town to catch up to it . I did and was riding alongside it . He was heading to Knoxville , which was his next show . I got about 10 miles outside of town , when I realized I was running out of gas . Had I had a full tank , I would have gone all the way , but I had to pull off . I honked my horn , and Bob looked out of the window of the bus and waved at me . Another magic moment . He tours all the time . If you get a chance to see him , please go . He is a legend . I can 't stand those asthma commercials on TV . People talk about how long they have had asthma . Some say 5 years , 14 years , or all their lives . Okay , I have asthma . I don 't have bad symptoms like some , but usually this time of year I will cough and feel a tightness in my chest . When I was a kid , itwas pretty tough around the State Fair time . They used to use sawdust around the fair that would cause me severe problems . They have since paved the fair area , so it isn 't as bad . But , if I go near hay in the animal barn , I can start coughing . I also have chronic bronchitis . Some attacks can be severe . I have been known to separate a rib or two . I know there are some things I can do to keep that from happening . I have also used an inhaler . So , I say all of this to talk about smoking . When I was in junior high school , I thought it was cool to smoke . Unfortunately , my parents didn 't share my feelings . I was too young to buy cigarettes , so I stole cigarettes from people 's cars , if I saw them on the dash while riding on my bike . I also found half - smoked cigarettes on the ground at our high school from other students who had gone to their cars in between classes to smoke but couldn 't finish them . I had a problem . When I got home , I would wash my hands in mouthwash and eat a bunch of mints to try and mask it from my parents . I don 't know if they ever knew , but I think they suspected it . When I got to college , I wasn 't smoking . But , in my junior year at PC , I discovered two things - - small cigars and grass . I did a play that required that I smoke on stage . My Mother said that she found it uncomfortable to see me smoke . I told her that I didn 't inhale and actually blew into the cigarette to make it glow . That wasn 't true , but maybe she believed it . I continued to smoke off and on . I had my last cigarette in 1984 . I just quit cold turkey . Thanks to my asthma , bronchitis and ex - smoker 's lungs , I have a little problem breathing today . I also used to run for exercise . I used to be in top shape . Now , not so much . When I am around smokePosted by What ? My father was hard of hearing . It was very frustrating growing up , because his favorite word was " What ? " . I spent the majority of my life repeating what I said to him . When my Mother had her stroke , and her speech was slurred , I had to be the interpreter between her and my father , because he couldn 't hear what she said . What ? I am a product of rock and roll concerts . There are artists who have lost their hearing , because they stood next to their speakers . I have lost a bit of hearing in my right ear partially because of going to those concerts . The worst was The Who in 1989 . They were in the Guinness Book of World Records for the loudest concert . I went to one of those . We sat in a football stadium in Raleigh NC . On one side of me was the stage . On the other side of me was a guy who yelled right in my ear for 2 hours straight . I literally could feel my brain move around in my head . The sound made me sick , and I had to leave before the show was over . I also have a slight deformity in my right ear , where the canal is a little smaller than my left ear . What ? I don 't think I am as deaf as my father was , but who knows what will happen , as I get older . Speaking of getting older , I also find that it is harder now to get up off the floor , if I happen to sit down on the floor . I 've fallen , and I can 't get up . What ? At least , my mind is young , even if my body is not . What ? I woke up this morning to the news that OJ was found guilty of robbery in Las Vegas . 13 years ago , he was found not guilty of killing his wife . I have mixed emotions about this situation . But , there have been some parts of my life that have happened along with OJ 's timeline . On my last night in the house I grew up in on Belmont Drive in Columbia was the time of the chase along the freeway between the police and OJ . That was 14 years ago . It was on my birthday of June 17th . I laid on the floor of our den watching a small TV . All of the furniture was gone . There was a lot of dust in the air in the house . I was glued to the TV . On the day that the verdict came down that OJ was found not guilty in Los Angeles , that was the last day of my work at Belk . We had closed the Columbiana Center store . There were a few of us still there who were packing up the store . This was the last day , and there was a big screen TV in the Men 's Department where we watched the verdict . It was shocking . Do I believe he killed his wife and Ron ? Probably , but there was a doubt . Fast forward to last year . OJ walked into a hotel room , where there were people who had some memorabilia of his , and he wanted it back . If he told friends to bring guns , there would have been a gangsta thing . A lot of the situation dealt with perception . OJ might have made a bad decision . Maybe there were guys there who wanted to make a statement . But , I don 't think he was guilty of kidnapping . Now , there is the robbery aspect . Speaking as a dealer of memorabilia , I can tell you that I do not fear Paul McCartney flying over here to get back a backstage pass from his 1989 show that I have . After all , I own it now . I paid money for it . So , unless these dealers actually stole these items from OJ 's house while he wasn 't home , then maybe he would be guilty of robbery . His legal team will appeal . They will say the jury was tainted by previous events . They will probably try to play the race card . I hope they don 't . But , I also hope OJ won 't spend a lot of time in jail . If so , Posted by I was reminded of this story yesterday . A friend from Arkansas called me , and he mentioned having visited Hot Springs , AR . I remembered that my parents took me there on the way to a trip to New Mexico . I was probably around 8 . Hot Springs has pools of hot water that are supposed to be healing . Of course , we had to feel them . I don 't think we got completely in , but I do remember putting my toes in the water . I think that is what sealed the deal of me liking hot baths . I love to sit in a hot bath . It is so relaxing . I can just sit there and think about the important things of the day . I haven 't been in a hot tub , but I would really like to experience the joys of a hot tub . When I told a doctor about my delight in a tub bath , he said that he would feel not quite as clean in a bath than in a shower . I suppose that there are opinions on both sides of bath vs . shower . If you don 't have much time , then a shower would be the way to go . But , if you have some time , and just want to soak , go for the tub . I know the tub probably uses more water , although I have heard about people taking extra long showers , so that may be a mute point . I must admit to you people , and this might gross you out , but when I was in college , during my hippie days , I didn 't bathe very much . I did use deordorant and some soap and water , but it wasn 't the same as an all - over bath or shower . It just wasn 't a priority in those days . I guess my baths make up for that . And , during those days , I didn 't wash my hair much . Maybe that 's why I don 't have much hair today . Confession is good for the soul . And , then to conclude , let 's go back to the hot springs . Near the springs , there was a cool stream . I was playing on the rocks of the stream and fell in , wearing my clothes . I remember that my Mother was not happy with me falling into the stream , because I had to change clothes , and she had to dig them out of my suitcase in the trunk of the car . So , two lessons learned that day - - hot baths are good but don 't go into the water with all your clothes on . When we came into this world , there was no guarantee that life would be wonderful . In fact , most of us cried as our first emotion . During our early years , we cried more . We cried for food . We cried at the doctor 's office . We cried just to be crying . Then , we learned to talk . We learned how to whine , much to the disgust of our parents . Life made it hard for us to smile , but we tried to laugh . After all , laughing helped us cope with life 's problems . If you put yourself in a happy place , things just seem to be a bit better . " Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down . " We all remember Mary Poppins . So , everyone has challenges . It may be where to go to college . How am I going to pass that test ? Why won 't anyone love me ? Who are my friends ? Or , it might be health issues . Or financial issues . I had , and continue to have , financial challenges . When Macy 's stopped giving me raises , and costs kept going up , I could no longer afford to live . I overextended myself with credit cards , and couldn 't pay them back . I have collectors call me every day . I don 't answer the phone , unless you identify yourself as someone I know . It is a horrible way to live . I have thankfully had some friends help me get through the rough times . If it were not for them , I would have crashed my car into a bridge . Depression is an awful thing . I have lost people , who I thought were my friends . When I told them of my problems , they just turned their backs on me and won 't speak to me anymore . Were they my friends to start with ? I thought so , but we all moved on . I have learned to be more understanding of others . So , as bad as my life has been , I just put that stuff in a corner of my life and carry on . I use this medium to express my emotions . It is therapy . People who don 't know me will read it and will think badly of me , or maybe admire me . Who knows ? So , today there is another challenge . My dear friend Joni told me yesterday that her sister has been diagnosed with cancer . I don 't know if they caught it early , but I pray that they have . Her siPosted by In South Carolina , we are lucky because we have all kinds of places that we can go for vacation and not have to travel far . For those who like the mountains or skiing , we have that close by . For those who like amusement parks , we have Carowinds and maybe Hard Rock . And if you want to go a little farther , there is Six Flags , Maggie Valley , or Dollywood . Of course , there is the zoo in Columbia or Greenville . There are other things around from museums to a safari park to water parks . Then , there is the beach . If you don 't live in SC , you will think of the beach as Myrtle Beach . That is the commercial center of the tourists . If you want a more sedate section of the beach , you will go to Charleston . I have cousins in Charleston . They have lived there all their lives and love it . I used to go to Charleston 3 times a year , when I worked at Belk . I went there to unwind and clear my head . The beach will do that to you . And you don 't have to go to the sand to go to the beach . It is just a generic term to see the ocean . It can be very calming . After all , scientists say we came from the ocean . I don 't believe that part , but it is very magnetic . People are drawn to the ocean . I don 't care much for what salt air does to your car , but the main thing is to be seen . You have to make a statement . Although , the residents don 't have to make a statement . Just the tourists . So , if I could afford the gas right now , this would be the perfect time to go to Charleston . It isn 't too hot and not too cold . It is just right . And if you want to go to Myrtle Beach , take a lot of money . Oh , and if you take a slight turn to the north , you can go to South of the Border . Confusing ? Not if you are from SC . But that 's another story . |
Recent Comments Grandma on On the First Day of CookiesErica Mary Eleanor on The road so farG . B . Marian on The road so farErica Mary Eleanor on Hummingbird Cake for Valentino … G . B . Marian on Hummingbird Cake for Valentino … Categories baby quilt " The Hygge Journals was created to help you live the intentional , hygge - centered lifestyle that you 've always wanted to . It is the lifestyle that I have built over the last couple of years ( ever since finding hygge ) and that has changed my life for the better . It is a month - long journaling course in seeking hygge . Throughout this course , you will be given a series of journaling prompts and activities that will inspire you to seek hygge and live intentionally . " I am excited to get started and to see what it is all about . . I hope to utilize this time to help keep myself and my home calm and centered , to create a real cozy atmosphere that my children will remember and want to come home to as they age and move out of the nest . To help lead me to be more of the woman I want to be and the home I wish to have , you know , instead of the crazed lunatic asylum we currently live in 😉 My home is like an episode of " It 's Always Sunny in Philadelphia " without all the drugs and alcohol . . Lots and lots of screaming and yelling over one another . . I suppose that can be cozy in it 's own way ? Maybe ? I found The Hygge Wife while perusing through her instagram page one day . She takes very lovely calming photos . I would not mind recreating some of that atmosphere in my own home ! p . s . I totally figured out how to add those hyperlink into the body of the text ! ! woo hoo ! I 'm probably going to over use this function all the time ! It 's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping in my warm bed with my children . The past couple of weeks I 've had all 4 little ones in the bed with me . Besides my king size bed I have a set of bunk beds in my room . Fiammetta usually sleeps in her own bed on the top bunk but lately she has been coming up with different reasons why she should sleep with us . . Mostly it 's because she 's scared of one thing or another . I 'm ok with it . . I love having them all squished in there with me . I think it 's most uncomfortable for her and Sal . I keep me and the baby separated from the rest with a pillow between us . That way the kids won 't roll over and accidentaly squish him . I 've been having trouble sleeping this past month . I seem to fall asleep great , and some nights I can even stay asleep for the whole night . . ( as much as one can while breastfeeding a 4 month old ) But then other nights I wake up around 3 or 4 am and my mind is racing , jumping from one thought process to the next . Tonight seems to be one of those nights . I think it may be because I have been falling asleep with the kids around 7 or 8 pm so by 3 or 4 am I 've already had about 8 hours of sleep ! This past weekend the husband came down to visit with the kids . He rented a hotel with a pool so the little ones would get to swim . All three of them ended up staying over both nights with him . That was a bit weird and sad . I 'm not used to sleeping with out them . That was the only time besides when Valentino was born that Persephone has not slept with me . I missed her tiny little body next to mine . Every night she falls asleep holding my hand or putting her tiny chubby hands on my arms . She 's very snuggly . Last night I had her little hands on my arm and Salvatore fell asleep , next to Persephone , with his arm draped across her to hold my hand . When I do wake up in the middle of the night I love hearing all of their soft breathing . They all have been sleeping pretty calmly . It seems that if there is less of them in the bed that is when the wilder sleeping happens , when I will wake up with Percy upside down or laying sideways , to a little whimper , a sudden crazy scream , and less frequently there have been kicks or punches to the face from a dreaming little one 🙂 The latter three I can definitely live without ! So this Friday Alex came by to pick up the kids and take them out to dinner and they all decided they wanted to stay over night with him at the hotel . So I packed them all up a bag and kissed and hugged my babes goodbye . This is definitely not the way I wanted or imagined my family to be ! I knew it would be good for them , and for Alex , but it 's hard for me to let them go . Saturday I was taking Settimio out for his early birthday date . He wanted to go see Deadpool and I wasn 't sure it would still be out in the theatre at his real birthday a month later so we decided to go now when Alex would have the little kiddos . . Settimio and I went out to eat lunch at Anelia 's in La Conner , a Polish restaurant that two of my younger brothers work at ; one as the Chef and the other as a waiter and prep cook . We had the brunch , Timio had the Joe breakfast hoagie made from french toast with bacon and home made sausage , I had a super delicious veggie omlete . Ophelia stayed home and we took the baby with us , he had the breastmilk . After brunch before heading in to the movie we met up with Alex and the other kids at the mall . He agreed to watch the baby for the 2 hours so I could watch the movie with Settimio . At Salvatore 's birthday movie date in January we went to see the new star wars movie and I had to stand the whole time so the baby wouldn 't cry . I really did not want a repeat of that so I asked Alex to watch Valentino for me so I could sit this time ! The 4 little ones and dad hung out at the mall playground for a couple hours . The movie was pretty sweet . Settimio covered his eyes a couple times during the less kid friendly parts 🙂 There was one sex scene , one strip club scene with boobs , a lot of crude humor and some pretty gruesome killing bits , way more than in the other superhero movies but Settimio is almost 12 so it wasn 't too terrible . Definitely not a movie I would let the younger kids see . Overall we both enjoyed it ! After the movie I got Valentino , Salvatore and Settimio and we went home , Alex was takinI knew Sunday would be a long day ! My mom and I had plans to go to Ikea while Alex had the kids . I suppose that is one good thing about the little ones being gone for the day , I can get a bit more stuff done ! Driving to Ikea from where I live takes about an hour and a half to two hours . My mom drove down my brother 's empty van and I drove down my van with all seats but the the two front and the baby 's removed . Ophelia and Settimio stayed home but we took Little V with us . I was going down to get a couch , a rug , a bookcase and a bed frame . We walked around and checked stuff out . . It was crazy packed . I got all the crap I came for and we left . That is the brief version because in reality that journey took all day ! ! We got home just after dark and I had to unload all that heavy , heavy from the van . Had the older two help while my mom held the baby . It all ended up fitting in my brothers van so mine was empty . No reason to have taken out my seats , but I 'm glad I was prepared just in case ! Would have totally sucked if I didn 't take out the seats and ended up needing the room . After we got every thing unloaded from the van and carried down the stairs into my house I realized that we grabbed the wrong size bed frame . . wah wah . . So this Saturday I will be making another lovely trip to Ikea to exchange the queen size bed for the proper king that I need . I may buy a few candles that I passed up the first time . When we got home Alex had already dropped the littles off and headed back up to the B ' ham . They were all watching t . v . when we arrived . Good way to keep them preoccupied while unloading the loot . I got the rug layed out and the couch put together then headed to bed . . I was exhausted and my feet hurt from walking around all day on the concrete floor . The couch is in our upstairs living room . I bought two white slipcovers for it . That way when one is dirty , and I know it will be with my children , I can throw it in the wash and put the other one on . I suppose we didn 't need a couch up here but I was tired of sitting on the chairs we have . They weren 't too comfortable to sit in while trying to nurse The Newborn . That 's what all the little kids call Valentino , I hope that remains his nickname until he 's an old man ! ! We still call my little Joey brother Fetus , his nickname from babyhood . When my husband and I decided to get married we had been together for about 6 years . We had 3 kids together ( plus my 2 and his 1 ) , so we were a family of 7 sometimes 8 when his oldest daughter would come visit . We also had known each other since we were 14 years old . So this wasn 't a whim decision . We had our ups and downs but when we decided to get married I was in it to the end . I thought we would fight through everything together and come out stronger . All our issues we would work on together and in the end we would be a happy family working on our life goals together . I was wrong . He wasn 't happy and instead of trying to make things better he came up with every excuse as to why he should leave . To be honest , we all were not happy . There was so much negativity in our household it was like a dark cloud of repression hanging in the air . When he finally left it was sort of like that fog lifted and we all could breathe again . He was miserable and he made everyone else around him miserable as well . Due to the course of actions taken I have lost so much respect for him . It is hard for me to look at him sometimes or even talk to him . I know there is goodness in him , there were reasons I loved him and married him . But after all this I find it hard to see them sometimes . I am not going to bash him . He is a human and working through his own issues . Just as we all are and I am not perfect in any way . I just find it very hard to comprehend his actions and all the things he has done and said this past year and a half . It all boils down to he doesn 't want responsibility anymore . He doesn 't want to be a husband and father on a daily basis . He loves the kids and wants to see them but he doesn 't want to everyday . He didn 't like being a father . He was so angry all the time . Every little thing would upset him . Even driving to the store would put him in a bad mood most times . I would dread his days off of work . We all had to walk on eggshells so we wouldn 't upset him . And once he was upset that would be it for the day . There was no going back . It was hard to live like that . His yelling and constant nitpicking of the kids , especially my oldest 2 and of them especially Ophelia , got worse and worse . It was like she couldn 't walk through the same room as him with out some criticism being thrown her way . Sometimes he would straight up ignore her . She would ask him a question and he would just walk away . Most nights at dinner he would wait until she was done eating before coming to the table . It was sickening . Then it started more and more with my oldest son , and then with our 3 year old son too . He never acted that way with our 2 daughters , to be fair our youngest was only a toddler . He would get upset sometimes with them but he treated them more delicately . He started breaking dishes in his rage . Then some furniture and eventually punched a hole in the wall while screaming at Ophelia . That was around the time I got pregnant with our last child , baby 6 . That was the final time he moved out . I told him he wouldn 't be able to come back unless he got counseling and anger management . We also needed more marriage counseling and family counseling , him and I with the children . He decided that the easier way was better . At first I would have taken him back if we could have gone to counseling . But as time moved on and I was forced to take care of our family by myself my own anger and resentment toward him grew . His leaving I could have understood to some extent . He was overwhelmed with the large family that we had . But what made me angry and sickened me more was the things he would do or say when he would come around to see the kids . My Husband lives about 40 minutes north of us , near his work , living off a coworkers couch . That has been his living arrangement since he left our home , and needless to say it is not very accommodating for visiting with children . When he left us in January 2015 when he would want to come down and see the kids he would come to my house to see them . I tried to encourage him to take the kids elsewhere and visit with them there but he would complain that he didn 't have enough money to take them out all the time , to feed them and to pay for gas driving back and forth . So I let him come here . But I hated it . After a couple months when the weather got better I had him take the kids to the park or beach as often as I could . I didn 't like him coming to our house and hanging out all day . Or taking naps on our couch or trying to in my bed . Most times when he was here he would end up spending more time with me than our children . Occasionally he would help out by putting away our sons laundry or washing the dishes or sweeping . And I did have him help me prune and weed the garden once when I was 7 months pregnant . Though those things helped , I would have preferred if he visited them elsewhere . I did not want to hang out with him if he wasn 't willing to work on our relationship . I didn 't feel like I needed to be his friend . He left our home and family because he wanted to not be a part of it anymore . But he wouldn 't leave me alone . He would tell me he loved me and missed me and try to touch me or kiss me . It hurt for many different reasons . I asked him to leave me alone over and over . He didn 't want to come back or to work on any part of our relationship or that of the children . He did not get to still act like he was my husband . He was disrespecting me by doing so . Treating me like my feelings didn 't matter . It made me angry with him and angry with myself for not be stronger and pushing away harder . It made me sick with myself when I would let him touch me , rub my back or my feet . I was pregnant and I was sore and it was hard to say no over and over . But then when he 'd leave I would feel so disgusted with myself . He would try to kiss me and I 'd back away and sometimes he would corner me so I 'd have to push away and try to get by . He would tell me " I 'm still your husband . " Or if I 'd be giving the kids hugs and kisses he 'd say " where 's my kiss ? " After he 'd leave I 'd tell him over and over how bad it made me feel that he 'd do these things and he 'd apologize but do it again the next time he came . The whole situation was eating at me and I really could not take it any longer . It 's come to the point now where I am telling him to come down just once a month and get a hotel to visit with the kids at . I absolutely hate the idea of them being away from me and our home but I don 't want to see him or talk to him . Sometimes I wish he would just go away forever . We implemented my one whole weekend a month plan this month , February . Before that he had been coming down for a couple hours on most of his days off ( once or twice a week ) . So , I was barraged with all this every week for the past year , but I can 't do it any longer . It makes me sad , the whole situation . I grieved for a long time over the life we could have had . He was my husband and he did mean a lot to me , but I need to move on . I need to be healthy for myself and my children . I know that if I hold on to that anger and resentment it will grow a big pit in me and I can not let that happen . This past month I have only had to see my husband once , and I feel better than I have in a long time ! I feel a sense of freedom . Two weekends ago he came and took 3 of our children out for a couple hours , and this weekend he will be coming to visit with them again . This time he will be getting a hotel and keeping our eldest over night while bringing our younger children home at night . Then he will pick them back up in the morning for another visit . He won 't be taking the baby , our little one is still exclusively breastfed being only 3 months old . Besides not wanting to care for an infant with out food on his own for a few hours , my husband has a small car and 3 children hardly fit in it safely . I 'm hoping in March it will just be the one weekend . I am flexible , if he wants them 2 weekends that is ok too . I just can 't keep having him at my house , and I 'd like to keep the kids home some weekends so we can have some of the fun time too . Not just the worky weekdays when its all school routine and no movies and popcorn kind of life . I think I deserve to have some of the fun time with my family too . I will always care about him and have a certain love for him in my heart . But he is the one who wanted to leave and not work on the things that were wrong . There is only so long I can hold on to hope that we can work it out before it 's time to let it all go and just move on . . And it feels really , really good . I am actually a little excited to really heal and to start connecting with that inner spark of life , God , the Divine . . whatever one wants to call it . . at times I even feel a bit giddy ! 🙂 I still wear my wedding ring . At this point in time my husband has been gone for 1 year and about 3 weeks . But I still keep it on . Not because of my husband , I have 6 kids and I 'm by myself . I inherited this ring from my Aunt . As long as I have seen it on her finger I have always admired it . It is delicate , beautiful , and has a vintage charm to it . My Aunt in turn inherited it from my Great Grandmother , my Grandpas Mother , when she passed . It was my Great Grandmothers wedding ring . It has a lot of sentimental value to me . When I see it I think of my Aunt and I think of my Great Grandmother , whom I am partially named after . I wonder what her life was like as I didn 't get to know her , she died before I was born . I wonder about all the things this ring has seen . But those reasons are not what compels me to keep my ring on . I have 6 kids and I am by myself . Or rather , I am husband - less . I do have a lot of family that loves and helps us , especially my Mom . Though , when I go out in public I don 't feel particularly fond of being judged by others . Not that I think I am the center of their world , but In the back of my mind being judged is a worry . I know that I should care less what others think of me , but for some strange reason right now it does bother me . The child support I get every month covers rent and some bills . If I got an outside job I doubt my pay would even cover my day care costs and then someone else would be raising my kids . I have to use food stamps when I go grocery shopping . Mostly , I wonder what the cashier or the people in line behind me think of me with all my children while I use a food benefit card or wic checks . I wonder if my relatives think I am a freeloader on our government . I see all the negative comments on social media about single moms , or the bumper stickers saying " if you can 't feed ' em don 't breed ' em " . This is not how I imagined my life would be . I am trying to make the best of this situation and raise my kids to be healthy and hopefully never land in a similar situation themselves . I keep telling my kids to be sure to love the person you make babies with . I tell my sons it is not the noble thing to leave the mother of your children without exhausting every possibility of making that life work ( except in the case of abuse , leave immediately ! ) Take care of your children and spouses . I feel like once we make the decision to have children our lives cease to become ours . We must live to nurture , love , and take care of them and when they are old enough to care for themselves that is when our wants can come back into focus . Not saying we shouldn 't have a bit of time here and there for ourselves , we all need time to recharge our batteries now and again , but our FOCUS should be these little lives we brought into this world . There are times when I think of moving my ring to the other hand . And maybe someday I will . But for now , there it stays . Not because of my husband , I have 6 kids and I 'm by myself . When I got pregnant with you my marriage was falling apart . Your dad had been out of the house for over a week . This wasn 't his first venture out but it was going to be his last . When you were conceived it was in a momentary lapse in your dad 's plans . He had said he wanted to come home and try to work things out but changed his mind after about three hours of being home . It was the day after the Super bowl and the Seahawks lost . I didn 't find out I was pregnant until a couple weeks later when I got that all too familiar sign of fatigue and sickness . . I was hoping that it was just the flu . . I was hoping my body was wrong . I did not want to be pregnant . I did not want another baby . My husband was leaving and I did not want to do this alone . I did not want to be a single mother to 5 children let alone think about bringing another one in to our family at that time . My youngest child was only 1 year and 4 months old . I did not want to make her be a big sister yet . I wanted her to be able to enjoy her babyhood a bit longer . To get all the cuddles and love she deserved . I was just starting to get bits of time to myself again as well . I did not want to give that up . But , mostly I didn 't want to be raising 6 kids on my own . I was miserable , mentally , emotionally , and physically . Thankfully my physical sickness with you ended along with the first trimester . In the beginning , before I could feel any movement , I kept hoping I 'd misscarry . I had had 5 normal pregnancies with healthy babies as the outcome so I didn 't think misscarriage was likely . I did not feel that abortion was the right choice . As much as I didn 't want another child I didn 't feel it was up to me to destroy this life that was growing inside me . But still I was unhappy . I was hurting . It made it worse that I didn 't want you . I felt guilty . As much as I didn 't want another child I felt worse about not wanting you when you were already there growing inside of me . I cried for you , I cried for my unwanted baby . I went through all the motions and I had to pretend to others that everything was normal or I was happy but inside I felt like I was dying . It killed me to not be happy for you . To wish you weren 't there . To not wonder about my perfect little miracle . To not plan with excitement for your arrival as my belly grew bigger . To not anticipate your perfect little baby toes and fingers . . To not be so impatient to know you and hold you in my arms . To not marvel at each and every tiny movement or flutter in my belly . Going to the midwife and hearing your heartbeat was not the happiest thing in the world for me . I think the first time I heard it I said , " yup , well I guess it 's in there . " As much as I didn 't want you , it hurt me worse to not want you . The guilt ate at me and continued to do so even after you were born . I would try to make myself be excited but I couldn 't . I tried making things for you , getting spaced cleared out in the house so I would have a place for all your little clothes . Logically , I knew that after you were born I 'd love you . . but it was the getting there that was the hard part . My life felt like it was falling apart and I was trying to care for 5 other kids and myself . I felt guilty that my negetive thoughts might be putting you in danger . That you weren 't growing in the healthiest of environments . That what if you made it through gestation and labor but then you die as an infant because I didn 't want you when I was pregnant . At 3 months old now , I know we are still not out of the woods with that but I pray and meditate on that often to keep you safe and healthy so you can grow into a man . ( A well adjusted man who won 't leave his family because he has decided he doesn 't want responsibility any more . ) I felt guilty because there are so many people in the world who so badly want a baby but can 't and there I was pregnant wishing I wasn 't . I also developed this irrational fear of giving birth to you . I was terrified . Maybe in part that was because I knew that once you were born you would be here and I 'd have to figure out a way to care for a brand new infant as well as 5 other kiddos by myself while trying to heal and rest and that seemed a herculean task ! The thought of going through the pain alone was almost unbearable . I worried on it incessantly . My fear of your birth was not unfounded . On November 1st after I went to bed I awoke to use the bathroom and I thought I peed myself . I know , gross . I kinda jumped out of bed because I was leaking . I ran to the bathroom and got cleaned up then went back to bed . I had to get up around 5 times because I kept thinking my bladder was failing ! I had a midwife appointment the next morning and they confirmed my water had broke and I was actually in early labor . The contractions were mild but I was about 4 cm dilated . I went back home and layed in bed while they got stronger . By the early afternoon they were pretty regular and I decided to go to the hospital because mentally I was really unprepared to have you . Contractions stopped on the way there . My mind and my fears would not let my body work properly . I ended up having to have pitocin to get them going again . I also had my very 1st epidural ! You are my first child I ever had drugs with . It was nice at taking away the pain in my belly , but I felt everything else ! I had to push you out for about 3 hours . Your head was turned the wrong way . At 12 : 16 am on November 3 , 2015 you were born and your little hand came out with your head . You cried and I was so relieved to have that over . When I saw your face I loved you . Instantly . You were so perfect and so beautiful . Big dark eyes , lots of dark hair , perfect little fingers and toes . You were 9 pounds 12 ounces , my largest baby ! I could not stop looking at your face . All my worries melted away when I got to hold you in my arms . I knew that I could make it work . I had to be a good mama for you and all my other children . Even now , 3 months after your birth and you are one of my favorite things to look at . You are one of the most beautiful humans I have seen . And boy , are you a lot of trouble ! You are the most particular baby I have had . You are so dang picky ! You are a perfect little Scorpio . If I have to put you down for whatever reason you just cry and cry and will not stop until you are picked up again . Even if I can 't pick you up for 20 minutes . . ( having 5 other kids means I still have to make dinner and do laundry ) You are not the kind of baby who cries themselves to sleep . Every night instead of nursing to sleep in our bed like all my other children did you want to be held and rocked or nursed in the rocking chair . And you hardly nap during the day . But I love you dearly . You have won me over , and stolen my heart . I would do anything in the world to make you happy and just to get to love you . I still can not get over that beautiful little face and perfect body . Your smiles fills me with so much joy . I am thankful for you and what I have gone through to have you in my life . I am so happy you chose to come to me . Although , it may have not been the best time in my mind , I 'm sure you came to me when you did for a reason . This past summer I received a letter from The Children 's Hospital in Seattle . The letter informed me that due to cleaning routines not being followed properly any child seen between 2011 and 2015 were at risk for contracting HIV and / or Hepatitis . They said the risk was low but they were informing all patients and their families and paying for blood tests . I was scared ! At the time my son , Salvatore , was 4 years old and had been seen at The Children 's Hospital on two separate occasions . The first time being when he was 1 year old . He had developed a crossed eye all of a sudden . It was weird and worrysome so I took him in to our doctor to have him checked out . He seemed healthy but she made some calls and we decided to have him seen at Children 's to rule out any brain damage . That was a scary time ! They ended up putting my little guy to sleep to do a cat scan and spinal tap . All the results came back that he was normal and healthy . They concluded that a nerve in his eye had been affected from a virus and stopped working properly . After a couple weeks his eye function went completely back to normal , as they predicted . That day was full of worry ! It was also extremely hectic running around from doctor to doctor and finding care for my other three children while I focused on my baby . Our second procedure came about when Salvatore was 3 years old . It was soon after his 3rd birthday that we had scheduled a routine surgery to bring his undescended testicle down in to his scrotum . The doctor assured us it would be a quick and easy procedure as his testicle was down , it had just missed the correct position so it was sort of floating just outside the scrotal sack . 🙂 poor guy , telling all his secrets ! The operation day came and I had care arranged for his 3 older siblings . Our baby came with us but dad came along to help out . I wanted to be able to be there just for Sal as he went asleep and woke up after his operation . Every thing went extremely well and Sal got to wake up to some presents . He was trying to get up out of the bed to walk around almost immediately . He was still a bit wobbly but after a bit I let him up and just helped him so he wouldn 't fall . I imagined he might be in pain but as soon as we were home he wanted to be up playing . I could hardly keep him down over the next couple of days . He was back to bouncing off the furniture and walls ! Sally is a very energetic boy ! When that letter came about possible HIV infection if felt like my heart stopped . I knew the risk was low but it made me sick to my stomach still to think there was any sort of possibility . Hepetitis we could live with . Yes , it would be terrible but at least it wasn 't a death sentence . I didn 't want to imagine my little guy only getting a life up to his teenage years and those years be filled with disease , medication and an abnormal childhood . It broke my heart . I always hoped and wished for him , and all my children , a long , happy , and healthy life ! Now this was possibly being taken away from him , from our family . I cried . A lot ! I was so worried . I immediately called my mom . She calmed me down a bit . I started to think rationally and got online to look in to where I could take him to get his blood drawn . At this time I was around 5 months or so pregnant with Valentino and Alex had been moved out of the house those 5 months as well . So I was going through this all alone . Just me and the kids and all my pregnant hormones . We got into the blood draw clinic within a few days and Sally was very brave when he got his blood drawn . He whimpered a bit but didn 't cry when they took the 2 or 3 vials of blood from his arm . He sat so still in the chair . I was very impressed . Before we went in I talked to him about what would happen so he would be prepared . I also talked to him and the rest of my children about why we had to do this . As my oldest daughter was 14 she was able to understand quite a bit more than the younger children . They all got the information , just worded differently for different ages . I wanted them to be aware of what was going on and to understand why I was so upset or emotional . We had to wait for over a week for the test results . To make the situation more intense I was the one who had to keep calling different doctors offices to see who got the information first . Was it our primary care physician , or the blood clinic , or Children 's Hospital . No one seemed to know ! Finally our primary care doctor called me back with the news . Sally was hepatitis free … . but unfortunately when we were drawing blood they didn 't get enough to test for HIV . No one thought about calling us to let us know as soon as they realized this . To make it worse my primary care doctor had even called the blood clinic a couple days after the blood was drawn to find out how long it would take to get the results and they told her they would have to send his blood work away for the HIV test as it was a special kind of HIV test and it would take additional time to process . So , I explained to Sal and all the other children what had happened . Salvatore started to cry . He didn 't want to go get blood drawn again . I hugged him and loved him and told him I knew and I was so sorry but we had to . It was too important and we needed to get the results back to make sure he was healthy . He understood but was still upset , and rightly so ! I made another appointment and we waited yet again ! They told me since it was their mistake I should be able to get the results sooner than 1 week . We did not . They actually took longer than the 1st time . During this second wait time I got a call from a doctor at Seattle Children 's hospital informing me that my sons hep test was negative but we didn 't have enough blood to run the HIV test . . better late than never I guess ! I told the doctor I already knew and we had already gone in for the second blood draw . He was surprised I was so on it . He was very nice and helpful with all my questions and very understanding of my worry and anger about the whole situation . The week passed with lots of emotion and we finally got the call from our primary care doctor that Salvatore was HIV free as well . It came back negative . So much relief and happiness ! I let my boy know and hugged him tight ! A few days later I got another call from the children 's hospital doctor . We talked a bit and he told me up to that point no one who had been tested had a positive result . That made me very thankful that no child had been impacted negatively because of the hospitals negligence . I couldn 't imagine having to go through our lives had the outcome been different . I am so thankful for the health of my children , my family and all those other little children and their families out there that had to go through this ordeal . I asked the doctor if I had vaccinated my son for hepatitis if this would have even been a concern for us . He told me no . If I had Sal vaccinated he would have had no chance of contracting hepatitis . Of course there is no vaccine ( that we know of ) for HIV so there still would have been a risk factor there . I have always vaccinated my children though I do it on a delayed time scale . I don 't want them getting a plethora of shots at one time as an infant so I spread them out . The hepatitis shots I have been waiting until my kids reach middle school years . As I also do with chicken pox . After this scare I have decided to get all my children caught up much quicker than previously planned . I have gone in to our doctor and started the kids on their heps series . I do not ever want to take that risk again . The Children 's hospital doctor told me that kids can catch hepatitis from being bitten by other children . This isn 't something that happens regularly at home but I know can happen quite often in daycare and preschool settings . So far my younger kiddos haven 't attended preschool or daycare but Salamander might be enrolling in preschool for a couple months before kindergarten starts next year . So his hepatitis vaccine is one less thing I have to worry about ! We go to Skagit Valley Gardens every year to see Santa . I like the set up there much better than at the mall . It 's very pretty and not too fakey looking . Plus , inside their greenhouse they have a plethora of trees decorated for the season that you can shop from the branches . I always seem to find an ornament or two for someone on my list ! I find many more that I want to buy for just myself too ! Last year we couldn 't make it because the weekend Santa was to attend I was on a flight to Chicago for my Grandpa 's memorial service . I took the then baby , Persephone , with me and the other kids stayed home with Alex since he was still living with us at the time . His mom came up to help out while he went to work . She lives about an hour south of us but we don 't really see her much . I planned this outing with my mom and my children all dressed up in their Christmas finery . We invited the cousins along as well . ( Not so ) Little Jake and his dad , my brother Dustin , came up . Mama had to work . My other two brothers were working but Ben 's Girlfriend Molly came along with her son Jorn . They are the newest additions to our family , besides baby Valentino ! Santa is supposed to attend the first two weekends of December , so I thought ! But what I didn 't find out until we arrived is that Santa actually comes the first two Sundays after Thanksgiving . . so we missed him by one week 😦 I felt really bad . But we still ended up having a nice day . We ate lunch in the little cafe they have on site . I do not recommend it unless you are having the tea special . The tea they have there is pretty good . Lunch was not very good and way overpriced . Like around $ 10 for a not very great sandwich . It wasn 't terrible but there are definitely better places for the money ! ( We 've had tea there on a few different occasions and it has always been very pleasant ! We were disappointed about the lunch ) After lunch we walked around and took some pictures of the kids by the trees and in the spot where Santa usually sits . I have a few photos on my phone and my friend Sara ended up stopping by on her way home from the Jingle Bell Run in Seattle . She does photography as a hobby so she took some photos of the kids as well . After Photos we all piled back into our cars and came back to our house for some cookie decorating and an absolutely fantastic , super delicious dinner cooked by my mom . We had home made meatballs and Italian sausage that had been cooking all day in her home made sauce . The sausage was so incredibly tender ! She also made some lasagna rolls , similar to lasagna , baked in a pan but each individual noodle rolled up instead of layered . She also made some angel hair pasta for the kiddos that don 't like lasagna ( Uncle Joe ) … and a nice Caesar salad with some crusty bread . . My 2 younger brothers , Ben and Joe , ended up coming over just in time for dinner and a few cookies left to decorate . I didn 't get any photos of the kids doing cookies at home or the dinner . . was too busy helping and enjoying ! The kids all seemed to have a pretty good day . Jorn and Molly didn 't make it over to the house after the photos . He wasn 't feeling too good at lunch and ended up having a fever and a tummy ache . . so hopefully he gets better soon ! It 's almost Christmas ! What a terrible time for a little one to be sick ! 😦 |
Betrand stood up , tugging the edge of his linen robe away from his feet . A grunt to clear his throat , and the quiet padding of his feet were the only noises to be heard on the entire abbey floor . The Abbey was his home ; Bertrand of course , was a monk . A young monk , to be sure , having only entered into the abbey within a year or two of the present . He didn 't even have a real job yet . At least , as far as he was concerned . All he had been commanded to do was ring the evening bell . Every night , at 6 : 30 , it was his job to ring the Abbey bell to call all the monks in town or out in the woods back into the abbey . The bell was heavy and ringing it felt like his arms were being torn out , but he wanted to be like the other monks . He wanted to have the peace they had in their lives , to help other people , and to feel important . He never felt important . Not even know , as he trotted along in his worn out linen robe , to ring the bell everyone counted on for the evening . There was nothing important about him . He knew if he continued his boring job though , that one day someone would come to replace him and he could continue to move up . Someone had to be at the bottom of the ladder , he supposed . He 'd be important later . His pace slowed as he approached the fat wooden door to the abbey tower . Its hinges were terribly squeaky and rusty , it was a wonder the door didn 't fall off when opened . The door itself was a shambled mess of rotted wood . What an ugly door he always thought it was . Bertrand shook his head free of his musing and shouldered the heavy door open . 6 : 25 on the dot . Looking up towards the bell tie he froze in place . There before him , waiting patiently beside the bell tie , was an old man he had not seen before . He wore frilly noblemans clothes in a worn wall - paper blue , patches and fraying edges here and there on his coat . His shoes had almost no sole left to them , as though he 'd walked many miles in them . His visage wasn 't any less old - looking . His powdered wig had fly - aways and the bow on the tail was frayed . A pair of rusty , dusty spectacles perched on a bird - beak nose , attached to a wrinkled old butler face and squinted eyes . He looked like a nice old office assistant , who had lived many a year on hard work and little pay . What on earth was he doing in the abbey tower though ? Before Bertrand got over his bewilderment to ask , the old man turned and leaned slightly over towards Bertrand . His hands clasped lightly at his waist , he opened his mouth and spoke in a light gruff voice ; " For whom does the bell toll sir ? " The old man smiled slightly , as if only for politeness , and waited for a response . Bertrand coughed and stumbled over his words . " Nobody , the bell tolls for no one in particular . " " Indeed , sir , indeed . " The old man stood up straight , and sauntered silently out of the room , past Bertrand into the Abbey yard . Popping suddenly out of his trance Betrand pulled the rotting door open and flung himself into the yard to follow the man , but he was gone . No one seemed to have seen him leave either , as the monks in the area looked at him confused . " Nearly past 6 : 30 Bertrand , aren 't you going to ring the bell ? " One spoke . A hallucination , a figment of an active imagination he supposed . He saw nothing . " Yes , yes of course . " Betrand pushed his way back through the door into the tower again , and tugged hard on the bell for the night . Well , at least his job hadn 't been completely dull this time . The following night , Bertrand set his book down to go ring the bell again . He was a tad earlier this time , he wasn 't sure why . It didn 't matter . Just another predictably boring walk down to the tower . It wasn 't even a pleasant walk , down through the grass yard in the Abbey , which was lumpy and sometimes full of puddles . But , he did it . I want to be a monk ! He thought . Bashing his shoulder roughly on the door again he stumbled into the tower . Taking a moment to brush the rotted wood fragments off his robe , he didn 't notice the old man at first . Turning his gaze up again , he saw him , less startled than before . Dressed in the same tattered clothes and dirty spectacles , the old man waited patiently at the bell tie . Bertrand rolled his eyes this time , and asked accusingly " Who are you ? Why are you here ? You aren 't supposed to be in here alone . " But the man didn 't answer . 6 : 20 , the man still stood silently ignoring Bertrand . He didn 't know what to do . He thought for a moment , then stepped tentatively towards the man , placing a nervous hand on his shoulder . " Sir , you really shouldn 't be here alone , only monks are supposed to be here . " The man didn 't respond , but Bertrand noted that his shoulder felt cold . His hand slipped off the cold shoulder and stepped back with him . He puzzled on his chin , wondering what to do . 6 : 25 , the man turned to him just as before , " For whom does the bell toll , sir ? " Bertrand furrowed his brow , " No one sir , I told you yesterday . " " Indeed sir , indeed . " The man turned and stepped past Betrand out the door . How could he move the heavy door so easily ? Bertrand only questioned for a moment before turning after the man trying to catch him . Shoving the door open a second time though , the man was still gone , and only confused monks looked . Bertrand didn 't wait for a monk to say anything , he went back into the tower and rung the bell , and started home . I must be seeing things , Bertrand said . Keeping his secret to himself , Betrand told no one for fear of being thought ill . The following night , and many nights after that , Betrand saw the tattered old man . He never answered questions , he never moved from his spot , and Bertrand never caught him leaving . Every night though at 6 : 25 , the old man would ask his question . After some time , Bertrand developed almost a liking for the man . He started responding differently to the old man 's question , more politely , and with a smile . He almost seemed like a friend now , and Bertrand stopped chasing him . Now , it was just open the door , smile at the old man , and answer " Nobody sir , " or " No one I know of sir . " Even the smile the old man returned seemed more genuine . Just as Bertrand seemed to be getting on his routine , a new monk was brought into the abbey . A boy named Arthur , slightly younger than him ; a scrawny little boy with a nervous disposition . Finally ! Bertrand would be able to stop ringing the bell and do something important for a change . But . . . . then he wouldn 't get to see the old man anymore . And , what would Arthur do if he saw him ? How would the tiny boy ring such a heavy bell anyway ? Bertrand chose to ask the Abbot if they might work together instead . To both boys surprise and happiness , the Abbot had already chosen to do the same , to ease Bertrand 's job . The Abbot also hoped that Bertrand might help Arthur to build up some strength , so that he might one day ring the bell alone , and Bertrand could take on further studies . The arrangement was signed and sealed . Bertrand was happy with his new friend . Arthur was very naive and childish , giving Bertrand plenty of opportunity to play mentor and big brother . After those first few days in the Abbey though , it was time to show Arthur how to do their job . Bertrand wondered if the old man would be there . He hadn 't taken anyone with him before , and he knew of no one else who saw him . Apprehensively , Bertrand led his enthusiastic companion down the lumpy yard to the door . Arthur jogged a little bit , tripping slightly over his robe and slammed into the rotten door . It didn 't open . Bertrand laughed , and shouldered the door open for the both of them . Bertrand stopped to dust his robes off as usual , while the curios youngster stopped , and stared confused at the tattered old man by the bell tie . " Bertrand who is this ? " Looking up , Bertrand smiled . The old man was there ! Surprised somewhat to see what had become like a friend , he answered . " That 's the old man , I don 't know where he 's from or why he 's here , but he 's here every night . " " Goodness , is he some kind of Ghost ? " " I don 't know ? He 's solid for sure , but he does vanish when he leaves the tower . " The whole mess seemed so matter of fact to the older monk now , it wasn 't scary that 's for sure . What was there to be scared of ? The old man had only asked his question and left every night for months . " Well , does he do anything else ? " " He usually asks me a question about the bell , and leaves after I answer . " " What does he ask ? " Bertrand had no time to answer . 6 : 25 ; " For whom does the bell toll sirs ? " " That , he asks that . " " What does he mean for someone who died ? " " I don 't know , i suppose ? " Bertrand opened his mouth to answer , but Arthur beat him too it . " Daniel 's dog ! It tolls for Daniels Dog . Or at least I wish ! " Bertrand laughed . Daniel was a farmer who lived just outside the abbey 's gate . A quiet and kind man , his dog was everything but . A nasty pit bull the man had rescued from a traveler drowning puppies in the river he couldn 't afford to feed . He frequently barked at the monks , nipping at their robes and ankles , no one liked the pooch . To Bertrand 's surprise , his worn friend made a different response . " So it does good sirs , so it does . " He turned away from the door , to the bell tie . Reaching up to grab the rope , he yanked the rope with strength that even Bertrand couldn 't produce with his months of ringing the damned thing ! The bell rang three times , louder than he had ever managed alone . Finished , the old man bowed out , and left the tower . Arthur tried to shove the door open to catch him , as Bertrand used to , but couldn 't move the heavy door alone . " He won 't be there , I told you he vanishes ! But , that was different . I 've never told him a name before , and he usually just leaves ! I wonder what that was all about ? " " I dunno , " Arthur pondered out of breath , " But we don 't have to ring the bell tonight . " Bertrand guffawed a bit at that . True , his old friend had saved them the trouble . They trotted back up to the Abbey , mulling quietly over what had happened . At least it was different . Bertrand stirred in his bed the next morning , something loud had startled him awake . Someone was calling his name ? It was Mathew , the monk in the room beside his and Arthurs . " Bertrand ! Bertrand ! Daniel 's dog has died ! " " What ? " Bertrand rubbed his eyes and pushed himself up . " Daniel 's dog , the nasty thing , it 's dead ! " " How ? Someone finally do the bugger in ? " " Watch your mouth friend , haha , but no , Daniel doesn 't know why ? He just found the beast dead on the doorstep this morning , where he 'd lain last night . " " Well , sorry for the dear man , but at least no one has to put up with the thing anymore . " Bertrand forced himself up , not like he could get back to sleep again anyway . Arthur must have already been up . This fact was proven when Arthur shoved his way in the room . " Bertrand did you hear ? Daniel 's dog di - " " Yes , I heard , and now that I think of it , I 'm a bit concerned . " " Why ? " " You did say his name to the old man , and he did have a different response . . I 'm concerned that this might be more than coincidence . " " Oh , Bertrand you think to hard on this . Yes I said his name but this is the only time this has happened ! Who 's to say that it 's not coincidence ? " Bertrand mulled it over in his head for a minute more , but Arthur was right . They had no evidence to suggest that the old man somehow caused the death of the brutish pooch , the dog could easily have eaten something bad , or simply died from some inborne problem . Shaking his head free of it all , Bertrand sat down in his chair to read , and Arthur left to eat . As the night came close to 6 o ' clock , Bertrand wondered again . Perhaps this needed to be tested ? To be entirely sure of it ? Bertrand tossed his book aside , and mosied his way down to the abbey chicken coop . Picking an old hen no one would miss and a wooden cage , he captured the bird inside and placed it in his room . He would test this tonight . " What was the chicken for ? " " I 'm going to try something . " Bertrand and Arthur tripped down the muddy lawn to the tower , again . Door shoved open again , and worn old man , standing patiently , again . 6 : 25 , " For whom does the bell toll good sirs ? " Bertrand cleared his throat and answered . " The poor old hen in my room , sir . " " So it does , good sirs , so it does . " Bertrand nodded to Arthur , who understood the idea . The old man heaved the bell tie down again , loud and heavy three times , and left . The two monks followed , plodding up the yard . " BERTRAND ! Good lord ! The chicken ! " Nothing more needed to be said . The old hen , though seated as though sleeping , was lopped over slightly , and clearly dead . It hadn 't been dead long , it could easily have died just as the bell tolled . The two boys were frozen at the doorway . This couldn 't be a coincidence . Then hen was perfectly healthy at the time , the dog was too ! And twice they had named the names of the creatures before hand . This wasn 't funny or matter of fact anymore . Neither boy slept well that night , the image of the dead chicken following their test stuck behind their eyelids . It was only a chicken , but the implications were terrifying . Bertrand didn 't find rest until late morning . When he awoke , it was nearly 6 : 30 . He threw himself up out of bed to do his job , but quickly found he didn 't need to . The bell rung three times in the distance . But . . . . this couldn 't have been Arthur ? It was far to loud , and too strong a bell toll . . . oh no . Bertrand threw his shoes on , and gripping the hem of his robe , tore down to the yard . He ran nearly head first into Arthur coming back . " Arthur who rang the bell ? " " The old man did ! " " Arthur what did you do ! " " Calm down Bertrand ! I didn 't kill anyone ! I said the abbey horse ! " " What ? " " You know the abbey horse ! The plow and cart horse ? " Bertrand thought . The abbey owned few animals , and only owned one horse at a time . The horse they had at present , was quite old now . It could hardly pull the plow or carts , and half the time the monks would have to help . Being life loving people though , neither the monks nor the Abbot had the heart to buy a new horse before the one they 'd had for so long finally passed . Unfortunately , that meant more work , and the horse was exhausted half the time anyway . With the old one dead though , they 'd have to buy a new one , and they 'd be none the wiser about the old one 's demise . " See ? The old horse can rest and the abbey gets a new one ! And you didn 't have to ring the bell ! " Bertrand sighed , at least it was just the old horse , and Arthur was right , it solved problems for the abbey and the poor animal . " Fine , I guess this is alright , but don 't do it again ! We can 't abuse this ! " " Alright ! Fine , fine . Your way then . " Arthur patted him on the shoulder and went about his way . Bertrand looked to the tower , wondering about the old man . He still seemed like an old friend . He couldn 't be some evil spirit could he ? But what good spirit would cause the deaths of anyone who asked ? Bertrand had a headache now . Clasping worried hands behind his back , he shuffled off to find a meal . Many more days past , and neither boy said a new name to the old man . They 'd answer his question politely , and ring the bell together . Everything seemed to be returning to normal , at least , up until that one Monday . Arthur had left the room that morning on his usual whatever - business , and Bertrand hung behind to study . Perhaps it was good that Arthur be taking his job . Bertrand had found joy in his studies , but Arthur was always out eating , or talking , or wandering about the village . He was still so young , and needed time to grow up . Then again , he spent an awful lot of time studying lately . Making his mind up , Bertrand dropped his book . It seemed like now would be a great time to have a relaxing day for once . He made his way down the stairs to the yard . A few feet ahead of him Arthur stood talking to another monk . Bertand snuck up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder . Arthur turned . " Ah Bertrand ! I was just about to come see you . Fancy a walk in town with me ? " " Sounds like a capital idea , friend . " Tying their sandals tight and smiles bright , the pair wandered out the abbey gate into town . Everything seemed a whole lot happier ; the bright colors , neat new products in the shops , and street performers visiting as they passed through . It was easy to forget the old man and the dead animals . Nearing about 5 o ' clock , the boys knew they had to return . Before they reached the hill path up to the abbey , near Daniel 's farm house , a group of local boys their age , stepped out before them . " What on earth made you idiots waste your lives as monks ? " " They haven 't really got lives to waste ! This scrawny idiot couldn 't have done much . Perhaps this one might have ? " The boy pointed to Bertrand . Bertrand wasn 't quite as thin as Arthur , and he 'd actually gained some strength working the bell over the past half a year or so . Arthur was still tiny . " This shrimp would have made a nice woman though , ha ! " The boys laughed , flinging insults left and right at poor Arthur . The lad looked like he could have cried . " It 's alright Arthur . " Bertrand took Arthur by the shoulders , and led the teary eyed boy up the road past the gang . They laughed and jeered until they were out of sight , and Arthur burst into angry sobs . Bertrand had them sit on a log outside the gate . Arthur calmed some , but seemed so angry still . " This is why I became a monk you know ? I 'm too weak to be good at anything else . I cant even ring the bell , and I can just barely open the door to the tower before that ! " " Arthur you are not weak . You aren 't a soldier for sure but what good are they but for fighting wars ? " Arthur couldn 't be consoled . " Why are they so mean ? ! I HATE them . I HATE THEM . " Arthur 's voice seemed to hurt the air as they spewed angrily from his lips . Slapping tears from his face , Arthur looked scheming up at the bell tower . Bertrand didn 't notice , as he looked down the road toward town , considering the nasty people they 'd passed . Before Bertrand noticed , Arthur took off sprinting up into the abbey to the bell tower . Bertrand caught the heel of his sandal turning the corner in his peripheral vision . " Arthur ? ARTHUR DON ' T ! " Bertand tripped up the hill tearing after Arthur . He knew what Arther was going to do . He had to stop him . He nearly caught up with the tiny boy , just feet from the tower , but his sandal caught one of the lumpy spots in the yard , and down he went . Face first , into the ground . He turned over on his back in pain , the world blurry and muffled . He couldn 't sit up , and he saw only the blurred face of Abbot song looking down on him , holding his head gently . Neither Abbot Song nor the other monks about him seemed to hear what he heard . . . Bertrand lost consciousness . He woke weakly later , in his bed . Other monks and Abbot Song were about the room with him , talking . For a bit , he heard their muffled conversation about him . He 'd smashed his head pretty badly , but they were optimistic about his condition . The conversation turned at some point , he couldn 't tell , to the boys he knew were now dead . All had been found , inexplicably dead on the ground , not far from where they had been left . Dead , like hen , just as the bell rang . Bertrand felt tears coming to his eyes . Those boys were stupid , to be sure , but they didn 't deserve to die . Abbot song saw tears on Bertand 's face . Thinking them to be of pain , he gently touched Bertrand 's head , comforting him . Bertrand fell asleep again . The nightmare plagued his rest . In two weeks , Bertrand recovered . He said nothing to Arthur . He was far too afraid . He couldn 't know for sure , well , he pretty much did . News of many unexplained deaths around the town , even in the abbey reached his ears . Arthur had changed . He was no longer the quiet enthusiastic boy he 'd become friends with . Now , he was proud , and angry . Bertrand was so scared . Scared for himself , his friends , Abbot Song , and Arthur . And the old man . . . . The poor old man . No matter how this went , Bertrand couldn 't seem to blame this on him . Arthur was the one spouting names , the Old man never expected any , after all , he seemed plenty content when he 'd answered " no one . " This wasn 't the old man 's fault . One day , Bertrand worked up the courage to talk to Arthur . His voice came out brokenly , but he asked . " Arthur , please , stop doing this . You 're hurting people . " " That 's not for you to decide Arthur ! These are living breathing people with lives ! They are confused and misguided sure , but that 's what we 're monks for ! To set the example ! " " Fuck your example ! " Bertrand froze . Arthur never swore , and they weren 't supposed to . " These people deserve to die for hurting me . I like you Bertrand , but I 'm not gonna stop . " He was determined now , he was - in extreme pain ! Arthur grabbed the cane by the bed Bertrand had been using while he was injured , and cracked it along his legs . Bertrand fell down with a yelp , bones broken . Arthur leapt on top of him , knee in his stomach , and a hand clasped over Bertrands yell . Arthur stared into Bertrand 's crying eyes . He was in too much pain and too scared to fight back . " You won 't . You won 't tell anyone . Do you know why ? Because , if you do , I 'm going to tell the old man YOUR name . . . or , maybe I 'll tell him Abbot Song 's name ? Whatever , you wont tell him . If you do , you 'll regret it . " Arthur slammed Bertrands newly healed head into the ground , and left him . Bertrand couldn 't move , he was in so much pain . His legs he knew were broken , and he suspected his wrist and some ribs from Arthur 's bony knees . He couldn 't call for help , he was in so , so much pain . What would he do ? What on earth was he going to do ? Tears flowing freely , Bertrand started to fall asleep , trying to escape the pain . Bertrand awoke in bed . Abbot song and several other monks were about him again , deja vu . " Who hurt you Bertrand ? We found you lying outside my room on the ground ! " Bertrand hesitated to answer . He was so confused . How did he get to that hallway from his room ? Arthur wouldn 't , no couldn 't have lifted him that far without someone noticing . He should have laid on the ground there all night ! Perhaps for days ! " Bertrand ? " Bertrand roused from his thoughts looked to Abbot Song . " I don 't know , I don 't know who hurt me . " The Abbot 's expression saddened . Glancing about at the other monks around him , Abbot cleared his throat to speak . " Something terrible is going on here , I think we can agree . Someone or something terrible is here . We need to keep a close eye on everything in the Abbey , and I 've asked the soldiers in town to watch out there as well . If we want to stop these deaths , it will take great care on all parties . " The monks nodded . Taking up lanterns in their hands , they headed out of the room , outside to patrol the abbey , Bertrand guessed . The abbot waved someone into the room after them , Bertrand couldn 't see at first . It was two young ladies , from town . " Bertrand , since we need to have those left with us keep an eye on things , I 've asked these young dears to care for you while you recover . This is Emily , and her sister Megurine . They will look after you . " Bertrand smiled a silent greeting , nervous around the lovely young girls . Being a monk , it had been much time since he 'd even considered women . He was nervous , to say the least . Smiling , and touching his shoulder reassuringly , the Abbot left the room . Megurine smiled courteously , then went about cleaning and dusting the dirty room . Emily sat beside him on the bed , and started up a conversation . Over the next few days , Emily and Bertrand got to know each other well . There wasn 't much else for him to do but talk while she nursed him back to health . He found her to be very kind and loving though . Arthur needed to meet more people like her ! Meg he didn 't know so well . Generally , she just did as asked , retrieving bath water , food , and medicine ; tidying the room and then leaving to do whatever . Arthur popped in now and then , and slept of course . He paid a great deal of attention to Meg . In fact , Bertrand wondered if perhaps Arthur was more along the lines of infatuated . Deaths happened less often , and Arthur seemed almost his old self again for some weeks time . When Bertrand recovered enough to try some walking , Emily assisted him out into the yard . They giggled , talking and joking down the stairs slowly , out into the warm summer sun . Bertrand looked up , nearly having a heart attack at what he saw . Out of sight of anyone else it seemed , behind a tree , in the bushes , was Arthur . . . . and Meg . Emily gasped . They were beneath Arthur 's robe , clear what they were doing . The watching companions turned to each other in shock . Not only was Arthur a monk , but the two were not even married . This was not good . Arthur could be asked to leave the abbey ! Meg might be disowned by her family ! Perhaps Arthur wasn 't quite his old self again . Bertrand shivered though . . . if he told Abbot Song anything , Arthur would do terrible things . He couldn 't risk anyone getting hurt . Sputtering a plea to Emily , she guided him quickly back into the abbey , to the dining hall . " Emily , please no . " Bertrand placed a hand gently on her cheek . She looked shocked , nearly in tears . Her little sister , doing what she was , right in front of her ! Emily was trembling . " How could she be so thoughtless , so careless . . . . with a MONK . " Emily leapt into Bertrands arms . He held her gently . Bertrand knew , he had to tell Emily what was going on . If she didn 't know , there was too much risk that she might tell Abbot Song . She would be scared , but it was better than her telling and causing her own , perhaps others deaths . Bertrand lay in bed , lost in thought . Emily had listened carefully , confused , and frightened , but she understood . He feared when she helped him to bed that night that she may not like him anymore . That was the least of his problems though . Bertrand sighed heavily . So much was riding on what he knew . If he told , he could be saving - or risking - lives at this point . He frowned . He 'd wanted to be important for some reason , and now he was . As they usually say , be careful what you wish for . Finally , Bertrand took his first steps alone into the lumpy yard . Emily watched , close by in case he fell , but he didn 't . He couldn 't hold back the smile , so relieved to finally be free of his bed . Leaping into Emily 's arms laughing he kissed her . Only a quick peck , which none of the monks witness minded , but to the two of them , it was more . Hearing what he had to say had concerned Emily some , and it took time for them to move on from it . Now though , they were together , content even under the circumstances . Deaths among the villagers and Abbey had lessened , and seemed to have stopped . Bertrand knew that Meg and Arthur were still together in secret . He almost was glad , as it seemed to be the cause of the peace . Such peace was short lived though . Only a matter of time after Bertrand reached his second full recovery , the horror came back with full force . Waking one morning alone - Arthur gone off as usual - Bertrand followed the sounds of weeping and worry flowing down his hallway , by the stairs . Looking from his doorway , Bertrand saw Emily , held by Abbot Song , weeping . Just past her , carried down on a plank by monks , lay Meg . She was dead . Bertrand knew her perfect , untouched look meant it was Arthur . What on earth had happened ? Did they seem happy enough ? Bertrand caught up to Abbot Song . He looked at Bertrand sadly , nodding a silent welcome . Looking to see who was there , Emily sobbed and leapt from the Abbot to Bertrand . " Oh Bertrand ! My sister , my sister . . . " He petted her head softly . Poor Megurine , poor Emily . Arthur was relentless . He didn 't know how the girl had crossed him , must have been a small affair , but he felt she deserved to die anyway . Arthur wasn 't even human anymore in Bertrands eyes . No human could be capable of such atrocities . He led Emily back to his room , and had her sleep off her tears on his bed . Locking the door behind him , to prevent Arthur from hurting her should he return , Bertrand left the Abbey to find him . More than a year after the dog died , Bertrand made his mind up . Arthur had to be stopped . Nearly everyone in the Abbey and in the Town had lost a family member , a pet , or a friend to Arthur 's rampage with the Old man 's bell . He was going to stop Arthur , and he no longer had any qualms about killing him to do it . His death was worth the hundred or more he caused at least . Bertrand saw Arthur immediately upon entrance into the yard . It was 6 : 20 . He was on his way to the bell tower , to cause the demise of someone else no doubt . Betrand wouldn 't allow it . " ARTHUR ! " He shouted angrily across the unusually empty lot . Arthur looked up shocked for a moment , but grinned maniacally upon seeing his old ' friend ' . He paused only to smirk before tearing off to the tower , Bertrand in hot pursuit . He couldn 't let him talk to the old man this time . This time , knowing that Bertrand wanted to stop him , Arthur could easily say HIS name , or Abbot Songs , or Emily 's . It was going to end here one way or another . Bertrand was inches from snagging the hem of Arthur 's robes when he slammed into the Rotten door . Unable to stop his momentum , Bertrand tackled Arthur , right through the rotten wood of the door , and onto the stone floor of the tower . The old man , was waiting . Struggling on the floor , the two men fought to restrain each other , most importantly , their mouths . The old man wasn 't simply staring tonight . He looked down upon the ghastly fight , frightened , and concerned , but still . Taking a hesitant breath , the old man spoke above the grunts and growls of the clambering monks . He waited . Bertrand could swear for a split second , the old man looked at him longingly , as if he was praying silently for him to succeed . Bertrand refused to surrender . This was it . Mustering up all he could in himself , Bertrand slammed Arthur 's head onto the stone , and covered his mouth . Arthur relaxed . For his head injury , or because he knew it was to late now , it was done . Arthur laid still and stared maliciously up at Bertrand . Bertrand watched the old man , waiting . He turned back to his same sweet self as soon as he had turned frightened . One bell toll . Arthur growled at Bertrand . Two bell tolls . Bertrand swallowed . Three . " I 'm sorry . " " I 'm not . " Arthur died , barely able to finish his last , hateful sentence . The old man waited , glancing down at the dead man , before stepping out of the room . Watching the wall - paper blue coat wave in the breeze from the door , Bertrand witnessed him step onto the grass , and fade . The nightmare , was over . During Arthur 's funeral , many eyes were wet . Two had to force their tears . Emily and Bertrand stood beside , hand in hand . They alone knew what Arthur was . Keeping the secret though , they let Arthur be buried in peace . There was no point in spreading hate now , Arthur had left enough behind . Abbot Song smiled softly . " Not at all . You are free to stay if it 's what you wish . However . . . " He turned and looked into the dining hall . Sitting quietly , looking terribly relieved , was Emily . She was listening softly to an older monk tell a story about Arthur , from when he was good . Bertrand looked back to Abbot Song . Bertrand raised his eyebrows . Abbot Song gave a knowing grin . He blushed . Clearly the older man knew Bertrand was in love . He hadn 't admitted it , or considered it until that moment , but there was no sense denying it . He loved her company , she was beautiful , sweet , loving , how could he not ? Bertrand didn 't respond . It was sad that after so much study , so many friends here , so much loss , that after only a year he would be abandoning his journey for a different one . Did he really want to stay though ? This place would always have the echoes of Arthur 's evil in it , at least , since he knew . Bertrand 's opened his mouth and spoke , though his voice didn 't follow . A whispered " I guess . " Abbot Song brought the weeping young man into an embrace . " Do not feel like you are not welcome here again . You will always be . The last day , Bertrand dragged the last of his meager possessions out toward the gate , to meet his fiance . He paused to look over the lumpy yard one more time . The tower caught his eye . A new , lighter door had replaced the rotten wood . He saw out the corner of his eye that Emily was daydreaming , and hadn 't spotted him yet . Taking one last trip down the lumpy lawn , Bertrand approached the tower . 6 : 20 . Opening the new door ( which was completely quiet ) , He saw a familiar sight . The tattered old man stood again before the bell tie . He seemed , different though . The old man was still in worn clothes , though there were more holes , patches , and tears than he remembered . The glasses were cracked and rusted , and the old man to say the least , looked tired . He looked like he 'd been working a whole lot , for no pay at all . Betrand smiled in return . The old man still didn 't fit any blame . After all , he asked , THEY answered . He frowned some . A new monk would ring the bell after him . The old man looked so tired . The town , the abbey had faced so much . The old man smiled brighter than Bertrand had ever seen in the year . " So it does good sir , so it does . " He stepped , not toward the door , nor toward the bell tie , but back , and waited . Bertrand stood confused for a moment , before understanding . He looked up at the heavy bell . He hadn 't rung it in a while , confined to a bed , afraid of Arthur . Lifting his arms up to grasp the tie , he yanked hard . The bell rang loud , louder than even the old man had rung . One , two , three . Bertrand smiled . It sounded so bright and clear . When the last ring rung its last , Bertrand looked for the old man . He was nowhere to be found . Bertrand approached his fiance . Emily looked bright and alive in the sunset , more relieved now than she had been in many months . The nightmare would never return . Hand in hand , his bag of things over a shoulder , Bertrand looked one last time to the bell tower . He wondered if the old man was at peace now . Either way , he and Emily were . Edward approached the bell tower . The lumpy lawn and hidden puddles were not well appreciated by his sandaled feet , but he wanted to do his job well . At least , until he got to do something more important . Lightly opening the new door , he stepped into the tower . 6 : 25 , right on time . But - who was this other monk ? This was his job right ? That 's what Abbot Song had told him to do . A scrawny monk in a torn up robe stood patiently at the bell tie . |
Last night something really special happened to Mandee . She was chosen to experience a spiritual manifestation . We were taking turns reading chapter 8 in , A Witness and Warning . We were on the last page , and Mandee was reading a quote from Moroni 9 : 25 - 26 ( Mormon to his beloved son , Moroni . ) Part way through these scriptures , she looked up at me and smiled sweetly and said , " Oh , you know this scripture . " I can 't remember what my response was . She read a few more lines and said , " You have this memorized . " I was a little bewildered as to why she said something like that twice to me , so I asked her what she meant . She said , " You 're reciting this , so you must have it memorized . " I wasn 't saying a thing while she was reading , and I told her so . So , she asked if Jason had been ( Bill was not home yet , and not expected home until after their bedtime . ) Jason had not either , and then she said , " I thought you were whispering what I was reading - the same scripture . " A while ago , I stood in a friend 's front yard and we chatted . My friend wanted to save the world . " It 's a good idea , " I said to her , but my simple affirmation was not enough - she really wanted to save the world - to make a difference in a big way . " Is that wrong of me - I mean isn 't it rather pretentious ? " I paused as I reflected on her question , and answered , " No - if you seek to save the world for the world 's sake - and not your own . " She heartily agreed , and I saw in her eyes that she meant it . But she was in despair that sunny morning because circumstances beyond her control prevented her from attaining her desire . Her health might be in serious jeopardy , and she wondered why the Lord would do that - the timing appeared to be off . Hadn 't she prepared herself sufficiently ? - studied the right books ? - took the right classes ? And hadn 't she felt the whisperings of the Holy Spirit telling her that she was on the right track ? - doing exactly what she was meant to do ? Her eyes filled with tears and her face reflected intense anguish . He wants all of us to take the longer route . We have the opportunity to grow in mortality in ways that no other place under the heavens can offer . With a veil placed over our memory of our former existence in heaven , where else but earth - ' the greatest reality game ever contrived , by the greatest mind that exists ' - can we prove ourselves through experience ? God wants us to have the full effect of our trials , and he will stretch them out to their bitter end in order for us to receive the maximum benefit that only enduring and striving to overcome a trial can afford . Fortunately , our sojourn on earth is short , so why not look at it that way . Eventually , we will all stand before our Maker , and account for our earthly choices , and either be the wiser from them , and blissfully overjoyed to be back in His presence ; or miserably cower and grovel at His feet . Whatever our purpose is , God will lead us to it - and nothing that we are supposed to do is ' common ' or unimportant . We all make a difference in more than one way … find your purpose … A little less than 1 ½ years ago , around May 2009 , Bill and I were heading west on Brown , when he jumped and pointed forward . He had just seen the tail end of a collision at Brown and Val Vista . We were among the first at the intersection , and were the first in line in the far right lane . The cars involved in the accident came to a stop on the other side of Val Vista - across from us , but in the east bound lanes . Bill hopped out of our car and ran over to help , along with two or three other people . I stayed in the car and watched . It didn 't seem like a very bad wreck from where I was sitting , and though I was concerned for the young girl behind the wheel , and her friend in the back , I wasn 't too worried . I watched as Bill stuck his head in the driver 's side window to check on her and the other girl , and then I just played the waiting game for him to return to our car . He was over there quite awhile . Finally , he came back , and I had lots of questions . I wish I had recorded this when it happened , because too much time has elapsed for me to accurately recall all the details , but I think Bill told me that she had lost consciousness , but I 'm not sure now . However , the one thing that I do remember clearly , as if it just happened yesterday - was his response when I asked how the girl was in the back seat . He looked at me strange and said , " There wasn 't anyone in the back seat - there wasn 't anyone else in the car . " He was adamant about it , but I so was I . I disagreed with him for a short while , but he would not relent , and neither would I . He was over there - he stuck his head in the car , and he was there for a long while trying to help out , and I was simply sitting across the intersection , observing . But , I truly had seen both a girl behind the wheel and a girl looking straight ahead from the back seat . So , who did I see ? I 've often wondered about that - wondered if she had left her own body - and wondered why I could see her , and not Bill . I truly wish not to record these , but I know I must , for they are as much a part of my life experiences as the pleasant , peaceful , and joyous ones are . I don 't recall how or when they began , but I think I know where . My parents bought a large two - story house and moved us from the dairy farm into town . I do not have bad feelings about that house , even though very scary things happened within its walls . I will not elaborate , or embellish with lofty words , I would much rather simply record the events and get on with it . So , it suffices to say , I saw , felt , heard , and experienced the unimaginable . Steven King hasn 't written anything close to what I went through . Fourteen nights in a row , gripped by some unseen force , jaw locked in place , visual , even actual electricity pulsating from my head to frayed electrical cords hanging from my bedroom ceiling , quarter - sized indentations in my leg , horrifying sounds . Imagining the hand of God protecting me , and sleeping with a Bible by my side were my only reprieve . Later as a freshman at USC , while waiting for friends to come back to the car , I heard the frightful wail of wild dogs growling and gnashing their teeth , first off in the distance , and then surrounding the car that I sat in . I could see nothing outside the vehicle , but could only hear the terrible sounds just outside the car window . I prayed , and the sound went away , but came back twice . In Ohio , when I went downstairs into Bill 's parent 's family room , I saw a plant rocking rhythmically back and forth . And one evening , I saw just the head of a very frightening apparition - with wild , wicked eyes , in full horrific color , floating above me in my bed . I 've seen other spirits , as well . Two of the spirits were alarming , one was not , with her long gray hair , and quiet demeanor . And one was a young girl of about 10 or 12 . I 've seen her at least three times in different locations , once with a young boy , dark hair , slightly older and taller than she . Why me ? Why not everyone ? Maybe I needed to experience the evilI am not afraid , now that I understand . They were my brothers and sisters in the premortal existence . It was their choice to follow Lucifer . I have more power than they do , because I chose to follow God . My brother Donnie and I were " Irish Twins " , which means that we shared the same birth age for a few days every year . When I was born , he hadn 't had his first birthday yet , and when he turned one , I was only thirty - eight days old . When I turned one , he still had thirty - eight days left until he turned two . It was fun being the same age with him for a few days each year . I sure do miss him . He died in 1988 as a result of driving under the influence . About a year after he died , I had an incredible experience . We were living in Maine . I had fallen asleep and in my " dream " , I opened a door and entered a pristine waiting room . Donnie entered a door from the other side of the room . He was radiant . The colors of his face ; his blue eyes , and white teeth were unlike any colors that I had ever seen before - far greater augmented , and more brilliant than any earthly hues . He called me by my name , and we embraced . I can 't remember anything else , and don 't believe that I was meant to , but when I awoke I had a smile on my face that was so intense that it hurt . Was it a dream ? I don 't think so . The colors were nothing like anything I had ever experienced here in mortality , and the exquisite joy I had upon awakening needs no confirmation , nor explanation . About a year later , we moved to Ohio . Bill 's parent 's ward was sending several of their youth ahead of the adults to the Chicago Temple to do baptisms for the dead . Jason and Mandee went with them . After they left , and had already arrived at the temple , I realized that Jason could do Donnie 's baptism , so I called the temple and requested that he be allowed to do my brother 's work . Proper protocol was to send a family group sheet along , and I hadn 't . Someone in the Chicago Temple decided to call Salt Lake - which surprised and delighted me as Jason got special permission from Salt Lake to perform Donnie 's baptism . One of the sisters in my ward that witnessed it told me that Jason had already performed his fifteen baptisms and had redressed , but they had him change back into baptismal clothing again to participate in Donnie 's baptism . She said it was very spiritual . Jason had known Donnie all of his young life . The next day , we arrived to do the rest of the temple ordinances , and in a special part of the temple , my brother spoke to me , just like in my dream , calling me by name . I recognized his voice instantly , and turned to see him , but could not , as I 'm sure I would not have maintained the quiet reverence one ought to in a holy temple . We are meant to live by faith , and I do , but in some things in my life , I have knowledge . I know , without a doubt for I witnessed it , that my brother Donnie was there in the temple that day , and continues to work hard on the other side of the veil in behalf of his loved ones - every one of them . How can I question the reality of things not seen ? The Lord has blessed me above measure with many peculiar experiences that testify to me of life beyond this life . The first time I saw her was in Dover - Foxcroft , Maine . She was wearing a knee length dress , and had long hair . She looked directly at me , and then turned back and passed through the upstairs hallway in front of me - not up or down the hallway , but through the walls on either side . The second time I saw this young spirit was in Phoenix , AZ , on 29th Ave and Union Hills . It was the same thing - only the hallway was downstairs , and I stepped into the hallway , and saw her pass through the walls again . The third time was rather interesting . Four of our closest friends , the Loves , and the Gentrys , and Bill and I , performed forty temple sealings in the Mesa Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . It happened to fall on Valentine 's Day - which was kind of sweet . We were in a small sealing room that had a narrow stairwell leading up to it . It was hot that day . I can 't recall if there had been a problem with the air conditioning or not , but the room was stuffy . They told us they were going to leave the door open a bit to let the air circulate , as they had had a patron faint earlier . We took turns in the various sealings , and when it wasn 't my turn , I sat and occasional found my gaze wandering to the partially opened door . I saw a group of women walk past the door , and only saw the hems of their long white dresses , and then I saw a young girl , of about 10 or so , pass by . The curious thing is that she later passed by going back the way she came , and then passed by the door again . There was a young boy - a little taller than she was , with her one of those times . I also saw temple workers talking to each other at the foot of the stairs , and noted that I could only see the top half of them , because I was sitting down . After the sealings , I lingered for a while , pondering the eternal nature of a temple sealing , and when I went to leave the room , I was absolutely surprised to find that there was no hallway on the top of the stairwell where I had seen the hems of the group of women pass by , and the young girl and boy . I totally expected to see a hallway cross the outside of the door where I had seen them pass , but there wasn 't any , only the enclosed stairwell going down to the lower floor . I immediately went to see the person in charge of sealings and inquired if there had been any cFor those of you who are not familiar with temples and their divine purpose , visit lds . org / temples / purpose It was shortly after we moved back to Arizona , that I had my second death dream . The dream lasted the entire night . I dreamt that a small group of spirits were trying to reach me . They were American Indians . I purposely evaded them from dream to dream . They came to each dream I had that evening , all night long . I wasn 't afraid of them , even though I knew that they were spirits . It was as if I knew what they wanted - but didn 't want to comply . Towards the morning , I could evade them no longer , and finally allowed them to speak to me . They wanted me to return with them to the spirit world . They wanted me to sing with them in some kind of a concert . I chose not to go . Interesting , huh ? And yet , the very next night , I had an even more fascinating death dream . . . . In the middle of the night I awoke and found my deceased father standing across from me , at the foot of my bed . Bill was sleeping in between us . My dad called me by my nickname , Terri . It was wonderful to hear his voice ! The voices of the deceased ones that I love are the hardest part for me to recall , but I recognize them immediately . Daddy didn 't say anything else , but I knew what he wanted . He wanted me to return with him . I said , " I will be obedient , " but then began to cry as my eyes rested on Bill . I said , " I love you , " to Bill three times , and then lay back down . I heard a soft rumbling sound , and felt a gentle swirling sensation growing in intensity surrounding my body . I knew that if I did nothing , my spirit would leave my body , so , I stopped it . Instantly , Daddy was gone , and I was not asleep . I had nothing to wake up from , no pulling out of any sort of dream state , or dreamy awakening … I was not sleeping , so did not need to awake . I was simply there , alone with Bill sleeping by my side . What does one do , when in an instant a pretty incredible experience ends , and you are left to ponder its meaning ? Does one simply go back to sleep ? Oh , no , no , no , no . I immediately got out of bed and got on my knees . I told God that I would be obedient , if indeed he wanted me to come home that evening , then I would go , but , if I could choose , then I wanted to stay with Bill . I am not afraid of death . It holds little mystery , but all wonder to me . I imagine when I do leave this existence , it will be quite like the dreams I 've had , but only better . However , if Bill should ever leave mortality before me , and then come for me - there is nothing on this earth that would keep me from leaping into his arms . Until then , I 'd like to stay just a little longer , and try a little harder to be a little better , and I 'll keep on asking , as long as it doesn 't interfere with the Lord 's will for me . Have you ever had a dream that you died ? I had three of them within six months , two of them back - to - back , two nights in a row . My first death dream happened the last year that we lived in Ohio . I dreamt that I had died . I could not remember how , but knew that it had just happened . In my dream , my deceased family came to see me . There was a large group of them . My brother Donnie was not there , but I was told that he was busily engaged and would come to see me as soon as he was finished with what he was doing . In the next part of my dream , I was in a dormitory - like room with a woman named Linda , who was also recently dead . She was tall and had short blond hair , but was not anyone familiar to me . We gathered our stuff together and began to walk towards a large building along with other spirits . I remember seeing the building off in the distance . I remember green grass to the right of the sidewalk that we walked on . We got about half way there when we remembered we had left something in the dormitory . It was an iron of sorts . I can 't explain it , because I don 't understand it . It was very unusual in a futuristic sort of way . How difficult it is for any time - trapped mortal to explain an object of eternity . We paused for a moment as we discussed going back to get the iron . I did not want to go , but Linda did . I watched her walk back towards the dormitory , and even turned from her and took a few steps towards the building . I began to feel a little guilty for not going with her , so I turned around and started to follow her . After a few steps , I stopped , and this thought came to me , " Wait ! I 'm dead ! Why am I walking ? " So , I simply thought about where I wanted to go , and instantly was there . It must have been a dream , because here I am today , but what a fascinating dream it was ! To dream - so clearly of the moments following death , greeting my family , anticipating seeing my brother Donnie as soon as he was able , having a recently dead roommate , preparing to go to some important meeting , and transporting myself back to the dormitory rather than using any snail - pace mortal means , what great fun ! What a grand adventure this mortal life has been . For a short moment in time , I am limited in my eternal , god - like abilities in order to glean as much as possible from this human - like experience . We are all gods in embryo , not unlike our creator , but created in His literal image . Young gods yet in infancy … I was in the winter semester at BYU , after transferring from USC following the fall semester there , and had for many reasons concluded that life was everlastingly too hard . I was deeply saddened by the events in the world around me , and by the choices of friends , and loved ones . As a freshman 3 , 000 miles from home , who hadn 't been home for 5 months , I was terribly homesick , too . Along with that , I was also depressed due to feeling so alone at BYU . I had joined the church at USC , transferred to BYU , and knew very few people . Because I worked the night - shift full - time , I didn 't get to socialize at all . The two students Martha , and Mary , who transferred from USC to BYU with me , had become great friends with each other , and I felt more like a bother to them , not a friend . Martha had a car , and a bank account her father kept up for her , and Martha really liked Mary , and took her everywhere . They never asked me to go with them . I didn 't have a car , and from January to April walked two to three miles each winter night to work , and then walked home in the morning . I barely made enough money to pay for my rent at the Riviera Apartments , and for my own food . I had classes at 10 : 00 in the morning and sometimes concerts in the early evening ( I played in the BYU Symphony Orchestra ) . I remember a couple of times not going to bed at all , but going from work to school to concert to work … I guess I had had enough , and one evening deep in thought , I unwittingly willed myself to go home . It wasn 't anything I was attempting to do , it just happened . I lay on my bed at the apartment , and simply asked to come home , back to my Father in heaven , exercising the faith that I had . The faith and the will I had was in conjunction with the spirit . I felt very close to the Lord . I felt a swirling sensation that started from my feet and moved up through my body . I felt like my spirit was leaving my body , and it frightened me , so I stopped it . I write about it , because it is such a fascinating experience . The faith , the answer , the reprieve … the story of my mortal life continues as such , always being saved from myself . I was about three months pregnant with our oldest son , Jason , when I pulled a string of muscles in my back lifting a small TV . The doctor told me to stay in bed for two weeks while it healed . We left our small apartment in Batavia , and stayed at Bill 's parent 's home on the other side of town . I tenderly remember the loving way Bill 's mother , Shirley , took care of me . One day she peeled a pink grapefruit , broke it into wedges , and sprinkled it with sugar . She brought it in to me . I had never had pink grapefruit prepared like that before , but more especially had not been pampered since I was a child , years ago , by my own mother . We stayed in Bill 's brother 's room . It was a small bedroom , but we managed to put a TV in the corner , and our three year old daughter Mandee 's sleeping bag on the floor beside us . There was a window across from the bed , and a dresser against the same wall the headboard was against . The bed was alongside the wall opposite the window . I slept on the outside of the bed for easier access both in and out of bed . I awoke one night to find two men dressed in white standing by my bed . They were not frightening in the least , in fact , it seemed quite natural and not out of the ordinary at all to see them . The one on the left reached his hand out to me , and said , " It 's time to go . " I began to sit up and reach my hand to his , but looked back at Bill , and said , " No . I want to stay with Bill . " I do not remember anything past that . I must have simply cuddled next to Bill , and gone back to sleep . Was it a dream ? If anything had been out of place in that room , I may have wondered so , but there wasn 't . The room was exactly the way it was when I went to sleep that night . I noted that the TV was in the corner , the dresser to my right , Bill on the other side of me , and Mandee sleeping soundly on the floor . There just happened to be two men , dressed in white , standing there , too . Was it my time to go ? Apparently not , but maybe so . Did I have a choice ? Perhaps . Was it the same choice that I had at BYU ? I think so . And yet , a greater message is woven into the fibers of this experience … I turned to Bill , and chose him . 3 . The Bear Truth I grew up on a dairy farm in the woodlands of Maine , where daisy - pocked meadows were my playground , and dense forests - my sanctuary . Every day was an adventure for me , from climbing oaks and maples high above the roof of our farmhouse - to searching for green , slithery snakes under rocks . I lived outdoors - and fondly remember my mother lining her freshly cleaned floors with paths of newspapers to keep our grubby feet from soiling her hard work . Cold weather didn 't keep us indoors - old socks replaced soaked , woolen mittens . The sweet , musty smell of wet wool drying on an open oven door is forever locked in the memory of my youth . Late summer nights and daunting porch lights shadowing tall stalks of goldenrod created an alluring world for twilight hide and seek , which was interrupted only by the incessant buzz of pesky mosquitoes , or the distraction of mystifying fireflies . Our farm bordered several acres of meadows to the north and south , with a long stretch of corn to the east . A well - worn path made first by grazing cows , and then by the patter of our tiny feet , weaved through the tall meadows . Old forests - untouched for hundreds of years , surrounded the whole , like a green blanket wrapped tight about its child . It was not unusual for me to look to the meadows and see a fox scurrying along , or to the large patch of red and black raspberries that grew near a grove of trees close to our house and see other wild animals like skunks , porcupines , raccoons , and even moose . If I awoke early enough , I could see herds of deer from my bedroom window . Later in the day , we 'd find deep impressions in the soft grass made from their night of peaceful sleep . A single row of trees growing sporadically alongside a rock wall split the meadows south of the farm . As children , we named each tree and rock according to their particular size , shape or function . Slide Rock , Bed Rock , Picnic Rock , and Gum Tree all embraced childhood play and wonder . Picnic Rock is where this story took place . " Aunt Anna 's hereA big , brown bear weaved through the tall grass towards me . Fear gripped my tiny heart . What could I do ? How could I get safely back to my house ? I wanted to pray for help , but how does one ask God for help directly after doing something wrong ? I had learned about repentance in the Baptist church my family attended , but how does one sincerely ask for forgiveness while in the wake of danger ? I didn 't know how to do it any other way , so I just asked , took a deep breath , and climbed down off the rock . I walked slowly up the path , the only way I knew to get to safety , having faith that I would be protected , even though I could see the bear coming straight towards me . The bear got about ten feet away from me and then stopped . It rose up on its hind legs and let out a bellowing grunt of disgust , as Mom 's old , brown , fur coat fell off my brother , Donnie 's shoulders . I was temporarily in shock , but then broke out in giggles , trying to hide my enormous relief . Donnie was quite disappointed , and grumbled , " Why weren 't you scared ? " You would think that perhaps I would have told him of my deep faith in God , and that I had been indeed , terribly frightened . What a tale of truth that would have been , but instead my young , clever mouth blurted out , " Oh Donnie ! I knew it was you all the time ! " And I , alas , began a life of constant repentance … I don 't remember much about this , but I do remember it happening . I share this experience with my older sister , JoAnn . I don 't remember the day or year , or whether it was spring or summer , morning or evening , but I do remember the music we heard in our upstairs bedroom . Music that came from nowhere - for we searched everywhere for its source - beautiful , peaceful , angelic choruses floating gently through our room … What are dreams ? Are they the imaginations of the heart , or the soul at play without imposed limitations to restrict it ? Do they have meaning - messages from beyond ? And what of unexplained phenomenon - has it a purpose ? I think , yes . These are some of my life experiences . . . Though it was many years ago , I vividly remember the bedroom I shared with my older sister , JoAnn . It was big enough for our twin beds , which straddled the only heat source in our room , a small register in the floor . The square - shaped register had an iron grid top and bottom . At some point we discovered that the top could be removed , and that we could easily fit one of our sneaky heads down into it , and though upside down , could watch whatever T . V . program our parents had sent us to bed early not to see . I often wonder what fear would have gripped my heart if Daddy had looked up and seen my conniving eyes looking down . Our bedroom had one window that looked out over the meadows , and on to the woods . The room had three doors , one that led down an enclosed stairwell to the kitchen , a short door that opened to a small cubby , and a door to the attic . The attic held a secret of mine as it became the burial place of a small litter of unfortunate kittens , which my tiny hands lovingly laid to rest amongst the soft , pink fiberglass under its worn boards . JoAnn slept in the bed closest to the window , mine was by the attic door . The door that led downstairs to the kitchen was at the foot of both our beds . JoAnn had stayed late at a friends house and upon returning , decided to sleep downstairs on one of the two couches in the living room . I awoke during the night and went downstairs for a drink of water . I left the door upstairs open . As I ascended the stairs , my eyes beheld a being , all arrayed in white , sitting on JoAnn 's bed , facing mine . I did not turn and run , but quickly surmised the situation . I looked to the register to see if any light from it could be causing the image I saw . I checked the window and the attic door for any signs of light . There wasn 't any , and yet the being remained , eyes fixed on me . He did not do , or say anything . I suppose he waited for my reaction to him . He presented no danger to me - no reason to fear him , but I did . I 'm convinced that a staunch Baptist upbringing entrenched in unnaturaWho was that being , and what was his purpose ? Why was he entirely white , from the top of his head , to the bottom of his feet ? Did he have a message for me , or perhaps a request ? Dare I imagine I hold some importance to him somehow ? Or was he merely resting , before continuing his journey ? I do know , as anyone would , that he was not of this world - at that moment at least . Perhaps he was an ancestor returning to stir my heart towards spiritual matters , or an angel of God , whose purpose remains unknown for a while longer ? Whatever the purpose , this undeniable fact remains - there is more to life than meets the mortal eye . I bear firm witness of that . Don 't you hate it when you have a dream that shocks you awake ? The other night I dreamt that Bill and I were on a narrow , well - traveled road . There were other vehicles on the road with us traveling in the same direction , but I don 't remember any coming the opposite way . We all seemed to be moving forward . We were in a terrible storm - heavy rain and wind . I didn 't notice that the road we were on didn 't have any side rails until the wind and rain caused our vehicle to hydroplane off the road and onto the surface of an ocean - pocked with thousands of uniform waves - much like the surface of any water when rained upon . We skimmed the surface of the ocean for about four seconds before I assessed the situation and said , " We 're going to die . " I was shocked awake , and immediately planned our escape from our impending dome ( the writer / survivor in me . ) So , I was thinking . I remember being taught in my youth about the story of Peter . He looked out of his ship and saw Jesus walking on the surface of the water and desired to be with him . Christ told him to come out of the safety of the ship and walk upon the water with him , and with knowledge of the Savior right there in front of him , he took that first step , and then the second , and then the third . I remember as a child being excited to hear that story , I mean , who wouldn 't like to be able to walk on top of water with the Savior ? Peter did it , and was doing just fine with his eyes and heart focused on the mark , even Jesus Christ himself , but as he felt the storm around him and looked down , he feared , and slipped into the icy water . I was not disappointed as a child with Peter 's failure , when the rest of the story told of how Christ stretched forth his hand and saved him . As an adult , I see a lot of similarities in my own life . Faith is to hope for things that you can 't see . I believe in Christ , but even though through faith , I clearly see the mark before me , how easy it is to " look down " and slip into doubt and fear . How much this life is like walking on water while the storm rages around us , but if our focus is on the mark , even Christ , we can pass through any trial . We can overcome any obstacle , we can brave any storm , but if we do begin to sink , or even get completely submerged in the icy depths of the ocean , Christ is ever there , stretching forth his hand . . . Would God create us , dump us in a dying , corruptible world , and then forget us ? No ! He created our spirits , lovingly placed us in magnificent bodies on a glorious , yet mortal earth , knowing that it , like us , would eventually need to be cleansed and purified before being allowed to return to abide in His presence . He gave us all the tools we need to survive , including a loving Savior , and the promptings of an ever watchful friend and companion , the Holy Ghost . About six months ago , while sitting at my computer , a clear , intense prompting came to me . I heard a thought , not of mine own , that said , " Cleanse the inner vessel . " It 's hard to explain . It wasn 't like thinking about something because a particular stimulus was placed before me causing me to reflect upon it . It was much deeper , like spirit speaking to spirit . That makes sense to me , because the inner part of us is pure , eternal spirit , and the Holy Spirit is , well , a spirit - spirit , speaking to spirit . For the most part , I have continued to follow that prompting , though I still struggle . Several years ago in Ohio , I had a similar spirit - to - spirit prompting . I was driving home at about 55 mph on a twisting , tree - lined road , when I heard a " thought " , not of mine own , say , " Slow down . " I immediately listened . Now , if I had taken the time to question the thought , I wouldn 't have followed it , because it made no sense . Slow down ? I wasn 't speeding , and there wasn 't any traffic . But I didn 't question , I obeyed , and slowed down to about 20 - 25 mph for no apparent reason . As I rounded the bend , I came upon two disabled vehicles blocking both sides of the road . I would have been seriously injured , or worse , if I hadn 't been protected by that prompting . It wasn 't my thought . So , whose was it ? It is experiences like that that cause me to testify that there is a greater existence than that which we see before us . We have great purpose in life - and greater purpose in the eternities . We are not alone - we never have been . Posted by Screwtape says , " The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity . He therefore , I believe , wants them to attend chiefly to two things , to eternity itself , and to that point of time which they call the Present . For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity . " p . 75 " Humans live in time . . . " I have often wondered about the concept of time . What if time is separate from eternity , and actually exists within it ? Screwtape writes , " Present is the point in which time touches eternity . " Perhaps the Past is also a point that touches eternity , so that eternity exists on either side . It seems to me that earthly time of mortal lives is one of the grandest creations . In my fantastical imagination , I perceive this life to be the greatest reality game ever contrived , by the greatest , most advanced intellect that exists . We first lived in eternity with our Creator , and then we were born into time , and at death , we will return to that same eternity . How long the days seemed to drag on when I was a young girl attending Dover Elementary school . Each day seemed as a week . I distinctly remember how much faster the days went by when I entered the 6th grade , separated in our own building from the elementary school . And why in my sleep doth time speed past , while it ebbs slowly by for those yet awake ? Wasn 't the same amount of time expended ? Was not the minute 60 seconds , and the hour still 60 more ? " They of course , do tend to regard death as the prime evil and survival as the greatest good . But that is because we have taught them to do so . " p . 154 The greatest fear of man , often unspoken , is death , but why ? Consider that if a man lives an average life span of 80 years , he will be away from God for less than two hours ! That 's not even the length of a good movie ! Why is death so welcomed to the sick in hospitals who many times see deceased loved ones as if they were alive ? Maybe , it 's because they do . It 's like going back to them , the ones they love , and to the great place they just left a few moments earlier . Screwtape : " Did you mark how naturally , as if he had born for it , the earth born vermin entered the new life ? How all his doubts became , in the twinkling of an eye , ridiculous ? " p . 172 My very favorite Screwtapian philosophy : " The extraction hurt more and more and then the tooth was out . The dream became a nightmare and then you woke . You die and die and then you are beyond death . How could I ever have doubted it ? As he saw you , he also saw Them . " p . 173 If you love historical romance , now 's your chance to expand your library ! The * Take Me Back ! Historical Romance * group is a great way to try new authors o . . . My kids helped me come up with this list , amidst laughter and some tears ( happy I hope ) . So without further ado , life lessons from the sandy shore . 1 ) Yo . . . Back in March , right after my birthday , I had dinner with Jay and Jane Kessler . It seems like this is a yearly thing for us in March . I wish I could see th . . . I started reading my blog this morning and it brought back a lot of memories . I can not believe it has been this long ! I 'm now 27 years old with 2 kids , a . . . I have to first apologize to my loyal fans that I haven 't published anything new . I 'm just as frustrated about it as you are - - even more . It 's embarrassing . . . It seems like I only blog here once a year . Actually , it 's not that I 'm not blogging , I 'm more active on my website . Trying to maintain so many places is i . . . Some writers require music to write . I go either way . sometimes I need something to listen to sometimes I need silence . There are some songs that are very . . . Here is the amazing cover of Soulfire . Amy Orton of Walnut Springs Press does such an amazing job ! ! ! It went to press on Thursday , April 5th and should be . . . Here is what I wrote today ( a portion anyway ) . I did manage to write 1355 words . This is a snippet of the scene I wrote . Hope you like it . |
First , no news . I can 't print the words I want to say , so POOP will have to do . One day while we were in Disney World , we were riding the bus back from a park and a father and son climbed on board . The boy looked to be about 8 - 9 years old , stocky and pink cheeked , a little carbon copy of his father . The bus was crowded so they had to stand . As the bus pulled away from the curb , the boy began making loud grunting sounds and tried to get to the door . The dad patiently held him back and spoke quietly to him . This went on for several minutes , most of the people on the bus looking away and trying to be considerate of the father 's plight . , slightly embarrassed by the boy 's actions . Levi , being a typical 4 year old , stared at the boy . Finally he turned to me , and in his ever loud and chirpy voice , said , ' Mommy , why is that boy doing that ? ' I looked at him and began to explain that I thought the boy might be autistic , and that sometimes certain situations were too much for him . I asked Levi if he remembered how sensitive his ears were to loud noises , and he said yes . I told him that was what it was like for this boy with everything . Sounds , the motion of the bus , all the people . Right now he is just overwhelmed and probably scared inside . Levi nodded in understanding and then smiled at the boy . When I was done explaining to Levi , I looked up to see 6 or 7 faces looking at me , smiling and nodding . At the next stop , when some people got off the bus , we invited the dad and son to sit by us . The boy was much calmer sitting and the dad began to apologize and explain that indeed his son was autistic , and although he had done very well all day , he had hit his limit and they just needed to get back to the hotel . I told the dad I thought he did a wonderful job calming his son and how wonderful it was to see them being able to enjoy Disney World . Maybe , just maybe , I planted the seed in Levi 's mind that although people can be different in many different ways , they are exactly as God has planned . God does not make mistakes . Sorry I have been rather quiet lately . There have been so many things going on that I barely have time to breathe , let alone type a coherant thought . Let 's see , where shall I begin . . . . 1 ) The trip to meet Katie 's agent in Los Angeles is coming together . I had been waiting for her father to pick a date because he had volunteered to take her . I waited , and waited and waited and he threw out many dates but nothing ever got set so I decided to just plan it myself . I contacted the agent and we picked a date . it turns out that the guy who ' discovered ' her is giving a concert in LA on the 16 of May . So we fly out and get to see him perform , then spend the next day with the agent , some casting people etc etc . Then on Sunday we spend the day with my sister ( Hey Dana ! ! ! ) and her family at Knot 's Berry Farms . The rest of the visit is still in the works for planning . I called her father ( my ex ) to tell him the plans . He still wants to go so he was going to make is own reservations . The next day I talked to him and he had reserved the flight , hotel etc . He was flying into a DIFFERENT airport , staying at a DIFFERENT hotel , and flying in on a DIFFERENT day . I about pooped a brick . He hadn 't heard a thing I said ! I again told him our plans and he went back to planning . Yesterday he called to say he was booking the flight and hotel . He is still flying in at a different time ( but same day now ) , to a different airport , but at least he is staying at the same hotel . Bless his heart , he does try , but he sure tries my patience ! 2 ) My parents recently had their 50th wedding anniversary . We had been planning a family get - together in June but somehow the whole thing fell apart . We will still make a trip up there sometime soon , and we will still celebrate . I figure if they have been married for 50 years , they can celebrate for as long as they want ! 3 ) I can 't get one tiny stinking bit of information on PBJ 's case . Every time I hear anything it is the same thing . We are trying to meet with the attorney and get an update . That has been going onPosted by I got a call yesterday morning from Katie . During school hours . That is not good . Not good at all . This time it wasn 't too bad though . No Big Chunky , no fear for her life panic , no begging to move to Alaska . Instead , she was walking to class and a girl behind her managed to spill a cup of hot coffee all over Katie . My first thought was , ' What the heck was a kid doing with a hot cup of coffee between classes and where did she get it ? ' ( Yeah , I 'm a concerned parent like that . My first thought wasn 't if Katie had been burned , but how a high school kid gets a cup of coffee during the school day . . . . ) Anyway , the principal told her she could go home to shower and change and then come back to school . Apparently her hair and the front of her shirt were soaked with coffee . OK , second thought I have is how does someone accidentally spill a cup of coffee while walking behind Katie and have it go over her 5 ' 8 " body soaking her hair and down her front ? Katie maintains the girl did it on purpose , the girl claims it was an accident . Classic she said / she said scenario . The principal couldn 't do anything except let Katie get cleaned up . My last thought while listening to the story was ' What did Katie and her wayward mouth do to contribute to this situation ? ' ( Oh , I am no dummy . I know this child ! ) So , in the end , Katie got to miss some school and all is well . The coffee wasn 't so hot it burned her and she only smelled like java for a little while . I still wonder how a high school kid got coffee in the middle of the day ? Surely the school doesn 't have a coffee bar ? ? ? The day the school puts in a Starbucks is the day I begin homeschooling ! Last night was a toughie . Levi is prone to night terrors when he is overly tired . Yesterday was a big big day . The weather was gorgeous and he played outside all day . Grayson ( Nanny 's grandson ) was there to play with him too , so they both went non - stop all day . I couldn 't get him to eat any dinner . I served one of his favorites , meatloaf and cheesy potatoes , but he just pushed it around on the plate . He drank some milk and that was his entire dinner . You can lead a kid to dinner but you can 't make them eat . Then it was into the tub to de - stinkify the boy . Into jammies , a drink and into bed . He fell asleep pretty quickly . But several hours later he began screaming , kicking , thrashing and clawing . He wasn 't awake , and you couldn 't wake him up . ( We tired out of desperation ) It felt like it went on for hours . Just when he would calm down a bit , he would wind back up . Eventually I carried him around the house and that started to calm him down . He woke up enough to go to the bathroom , get another drink and begin to relax . It still took holding him for a while longer until his breathing slowed down and his muscles relaxed . Finally , I put him in bed with us and collapsed beside him . He drifted off immediately , but I lay there with my brain racing . Today I feel like I am a walking zombie . We have our flight info and hotel reservation info for Hollywood . This is getting exciting / scary . This is a real Hollywood agent , one you see on the red carpet with celebs . Someone who routinely brunches with the rich and famous . She has probably seen Brittany Spears without hair and Lindsay Lohan drunk . ( Oh wait , the whole world has seen that ! ) We want to see some of the sights in LA while we are there . ( Hopefully NOT the Brittany or Lindsay type ) Honestly , I would be more comfortable in the electric chair than in Hollywood ! Last night , while Levi was in the tub , I told him to do something and he answered , ' Yes Sir . . . . . . um , I mean Ma ' am . ' Well , at least they are teaching him manners at school . Ashley is playing basketball in a private lPosted by I e - mailed the attorney on PBJ 's case today to try and urge him to move a little bit . Apparently he has not submitted the letter verifying the translator they used for the birth mom . All he has to do is write the letter , identifying the translator , explaining the situation , and then add it to the file and re - submit it to PGN . This was supposed to have happened 2 weeks ago . If he doesn 't get this done I have every intention of finding him when I go to Guatemala and opening my Texas size can of whoop a $ $ on him . We have paid him VERY WELL to work this case and he won 't get the final large chunk until it is done . You would think that would be enough incentive to finish it ! But noooo , nothing ever goes according to the normal schedule for us . I should be used to it by now ! I got to see the proofs for the pix taken at Levi 's school recently . They are really cute , except he has this kind of pained smile on his face . I asked him why he smiled like that and he said it was the only smile he could think of . Silly boy . Now , as for Katie and her driving lessons , she is getting so much more relaxed and it shows in her driving . I do have to correct her now and then , but I can just tell she isn 't as tense anymore . She does seem to have an issue with remembering to turn the car off and take the keys out though . She has done it 4 times now ! I think when she begins driving by herself I will get a cord with a clip and have her clip the keys to her shirt . Then if she tries to get out without them it will stop her . Hey , at least she doesn 't leave it in drive and get out ! ( I would laugh myself silly , once I got the car stopped , if she actually did that ! ) We head out to LA on May 15th to meet the agent and talk over the contract . Then we will spend time with my wonderful sister and her family , flying home late Sunday or Monday . I want to minimize the amount os school she misses and yet I am not too worried . She is getting great grades and a day or two won 't break her . Levi is all better , no one else has gotten sick and we are settling back into the normal chaos of our lives . We only took Levi with us on this trip because the girls didn 't want to miss school . Next month they will be going with me to LA to meet the agent and we will hit DisneyLand and see my sister and her family while we are there . The girls have been to DisneyWorld several times already , so they aren 't upset . They wouldn 't have wanted to stay with us and ride kiddie rides and I am not comfortable with letting them loose in the parks by themselves . ( Mean Mom ! ) I got new sheet / comforter sets for the boy 's room ( Ahren and Levi will share ) I got a fantastic deal on 2 twin sets plus curtains . They have the Jeep logo on them and are a deep rusty - red and tan . They look awesome . I hate to spend too much on a little kid 's room because they end up destroying them ( vomit , pee , repeated washing , etc ) or they get bigger and think they are too baby - ish . So for about $ 100 I re - decorated the whole room . Not bad ! I do love a good deal ! ! ! While we were in DisneyWorld , out hotel toilet was one of those ' power - assist ' low water flush untis . The kind that go BA - WHOOSH when they flush . Levi was bit scared of it and invariably left it unflushed . But Chris , well , Chris had a bit too much fun with the thing . Every time he went to flush it , he would yell ' Fire One ' and then hit the handle . I am sure the neighbors could hear him . This caused Levi to giggle uncontrollably and me to roll my eyes ( and maybe giggle a little , only I won 't admit it in public ! ) Swimming lessons begin soon for Levi . We want to put in a pool soon ( by next spring ) but I want to have him a little safer around water . He already thinks he can swim , or so he tells me . He doesn 't realize that the suit he wore last year has floats built into it . He did in fact jump in and swim all over the place by himself , but with the aid of those floats . Now he needs to learn to swim for real . The lessons are 4 nights a week . Each session is 2 weeks long . We will sign him up and go forPosted by One year ago tonight the unthinkable happened . My 14 year old daughter was spending the night at a friend 's house . I made sure that although the girl 's parents would be out , that the Grandmother was staying there . Katie was planning on an evening of hanging by the pool , playing video games and being a typical young teen . Two older boys they know very well from Bible study came over to hang out . These were freind - boys , not boyfriends of either girl . Just a couple of brothers they liked to hang out with . The kids wanted to get drinks from S0nic and the girls parents gave the OK over the phone to let the oldest boy drive . They took the brand new Mustang and headed to the fast food spot . Then they decided to swing by our new house which was in the girls ' neighborhood but still under construction . The other girl convinced the older boy to let her drive the 3 - 4 blocks to her house from there . She had driven many times , but never such a powerful car . In a matter of seconds she got going way too fast , the boys screamed at her to slow down , they hit a curve and she lost control . The car slid into the ditch , rolled , hit a cement culvert on the passenger side door , flew into the air and landed on the driver 's side . As people ran to pull kids out of the wreck , the car burst into flames . Thank God for the quick responses of the neighbors . People dialed 911 , people ran for fire extinguishers and people carried kids to safety . We got the call around 11pm from a woman who was at the scene . She said there had been an accident , told me where to come and said to look for the ' cart ' upside down in the driveway . I wasn 't horribly upset because I thought they had tipped over the golf cart . When I rounded the road to the site , this is like what I saw and heard . Life Flight . The second thing I saw was the Mustang , lit up by police lights , mangled and on it 's side . I can 't remember parking my van , although later I found my keys in my pocket . I remember running , hearing the whump - whump - whump of the helicopter blades . A Deputy intercepted me Posted by The end of a long day . We let him play a game in the carnival area at Animal Kingdom . he had 4 balls and he won prizes with the first two . The , lucky us , we got to tote them around the rest of the day ! Riding the teacups and screaming faster Faster ! Hangin ' with Pluto . Waiting patiently in a line . He was awesome at waiting ! Being gobbled up in The Sea at Epcot . Stylin ' in the 3D glasses . Meeting a dino friend . Drumming with the African Drummers at Epcot . Posted by We are back home and settled in to do a mountain of laundry and such . Although we had a wonderful time , it is good to be home . I think we got home just in time , too , because Levi spiked a high temp last night and threw up in our bed . Welcome home ! The weather was absolutely perfect the whole time we were there . We couldn 't have asked for anything better . One day was actually chilly but no rain . I hauled 3 dollar - store rain ponchos around all week for nothing , but if I didn 't have them it would have poured every day . That 's just the way our luck runs ! So here are a few things we learned on this trip . 1 ) Number one priority is good , comfy shoes . We splurged on new tennis shoes before we went and they were exactly what we needed . I can 't believe the number of people I saw in heels , etc . 2 ) If you want to be able to ride the popular rides with minimal wait times , get the Fastpass . It allows you to reserve a window of time to ride and skip the long lines . Use the pass wisely , though , because once you use it you have to wait to use it again for a period of time . We would use the Fastpass , then spend the interim time riding the rides with short lines . 3 ) Find out if the week you plan to go happens to be the yearly high school senior party week . Do NOT go that week unless you want to put up with 25 , 000 high - schoolers . We lucked out ( we didn 't know about this ) and the teens were just arriving as we were leaving . One day of overlap with them was enough . At 3am some of them jumped in the hotel pool and threw a bunch of food into it , resulting in some kids getting sent home . 4 ) Find out if the week you choose coincides with spring break on the east coast , or anyone 's spring break for that matter . The parks are busier then . We thought spring break was over , but it wasn 't too bad , just busier than we expected . 5 ) Pack snacks if you have small kids . Heck , pack snacks even if you don 't have small kids . The food is expensive and was very hard to find . Plus the lines for food were often longer than the lines for rides . By the end of Wendy We made it to Disney World and are having a blast . At night we are so tired we all tumble into bed and no one even moves for 10 hours . Levi has been a trooper . We haven 't gotten a stroller , he has walked every bit of it . He has also enjoyed every single ride he is big enough to go on ! He isn 't scared of anything . In fact , he was very upset he couldn 't ride Space Mountain ! Here he is giving his opinion of Daddy straightening his ears . Riding the Magic Carpet Eating a pretzel that is bigger than his head . Riding the tea cups . I 'll post more when I can . Until then , Meeska Mouska Mooskateers ! The agency is telling us that PBJ 's case was released by the judge and resubmitted to PGN . Now PGN wants a document that has to do with the interpretor who spoke to the birthmother , verifying that what is in the records is true and the interpretor was qualified to do the interpretting . They are preparing that and should have it submitted with the file soon . Ahren 's case has finally been submitted to PGN at the end of March . I am expecting a KO soon for old documents , but I have new ones ready to go . PGN has been stalling all cases right now . I suppose , since there are no new cases being started , if they finish all the old cases they will be out of a job . Not much incentive there to complete anything , huh ? I haven 't booked my visit trip yet . I want to see what happens in the next week or two . Maybe , just maybe , I will finally get to go on a pick - up trip . . . . . . but I 'm not holding my breath ! Have you ever had to work with someone who seems , well , unhinged ? You know , the kind where under their yearbook photo was ' Voted Most Likely to Go Postal ' ? The kind of person who skulks around , pops up in the strangest places , spends way too much time in the bathroom and constantly mumbles to themselves ? I have my eye on her . If I disappear from the internets , you know who to look for . . . . . . . When I was pregnant with Levi , Chris would always talk to my tummy . He would say , ' I love you baby . I love you . Pick up your socks . ' Every time , pick up your socks . His theory was that if it takes you telling a child a thousand times to do something before it sinks in , he was going to get a head start . So fast forward almost 5 years and let 's see how that is working out . Yesterday , when I got home from work I found one shoe in the middle of the back yard , a sock on the patio , a shirt on the kitchen floor and shorts in the middle of the living room . ( Oh , and I found Levi in his tighty whities and nothing else ) Chris 's theory ? Not so successful . So why was Levi sans clothes yesterday ? Apparently he was playing in the sandbox and decided to see how it felt to fill his pants with sand . So he did . And it didn 't feel very good . ( Go figure ) And that precipitated a strip - down to get the itchy sand off of him . I walked in just in time to keep him in his underwear long enough to get to the bathroom and start the tub filling . Boys . Bananas on the treadmill , sand in their pants . I just don 't get how their little minds work . I now understand the family that lived down the street from us when I was little . They had 6 boys , all about a year apart in age . We lived in a little neighborhood of identical houses in neat little rows with quiet winding streets . Every house was the same except for color . It was all very ' cloned ' in a suburban way . Every house except theirs . One window was broken out and covered with plastic ( the victim of an errant baseball ) . A few shingles were missing where the boys had gone sledding off the roof one winter . The trPosted by Thanks for all the kind comments . They were so sweet and supportive that you all made me cry ! It 's funny , what she said really didn 't make me mad as much as it made me terribly sad . Sad because people really think like that . Sad because she isn 't the only child that is thought of in that way . And sad because I want her here with me so that I can protect her from all the stupid people in the world . Sigh . I have decided to visit again . I just have to get my hands on those two little ones and spend some time with them . See for myself how they are doing . Yesterday , Levi did a very , very bad thing . Oh yes , this was a 10 on the naughty scale . He had a banana to eat , and instead , he took it into our bedroom , got on the treadmill , turned it on and proceeded to squish the banana on the tread - belt thingy . The banana went into the base and smushed all the way around the track . How he knew how to work the treadmill I don 't know . It has a special magnet that you have to position over a specific place to enable it to turn on . He is not even allowed in the room when I use it for fear he will get his fingers in it and rip them off . Anyone want to bet he grows up to be an engineer of some sort ? Nanny was not amused and made him sit in time out while she cleaned it up ( which must have taken quite some time ) Of course this ranks right up there with the time Ashley poured shampoo into the dryer . Or the time Ashley broke 18 eggs all over the inside of the refrigerator . Or the time Katie fed Ashley wet grout on a spoon . Or the time . . . . well , you get the idea . I have earned all of the grey hairs on my head , every one of them ! Actually , I have been pretty lucky . These were the only major messes I can remember . Then again , maybe my memory has gone along with the grey hair . . . . Yesterday , I was had a conversation with a woman who does humanitarian work in Africa . It was very interesting . She was explaining the differences in some of the African countries like Rwanda , Ethiopia , etc . and how they are getting adoption programs started to help the orphaned children . Then she dropped a bomb on me . She said we should give up on PBJ because ' no one wants a brain damaged child . They are too much trouble . ' I have no words to explain what went through my head and through my heart . It stabbed deep into my soul . I have known for a long time that PBJ is viewed as a throw - away . She was viewed like that in her own country because she is a female and Mayan . Add to that the unknown of how the brain injury will affect her life and even ' humanitarians ' view her as nothing more than human waste . I look at her sweet little face and I see life , hope , a future . I see my daughter . What do you see ? By the way , that was no friend of mine . It was the first time I had ever talked to her . Someone else gave her my number to chat about saving kids . Ironic , huh ? It is finally consistently warm enough to let Steve loose into the pond . Levi was all excited to let him go and we made a little ceremony out of it . He dove right into the water and started chasing minnows ( Steve , not Levi ! ) . We saw him surface a few times and Levi waved good bye . He is such a little food beggar that when we visit we will take him some dried shrimp and I 'm sure we will see him often . Levi wanted to run in the sprinkler for a while . He has a lot of fun and the yard got a good drink . If you look closely you will see that around his neck is the faintest of tan lines . We saw this crane at the pond , probably trying to catch some frogs . We have quite a few frogs already . Chris has begun treating the pond to get the clay to settle . It 's slowly getting better , even though it still looks like a giant mud puddle in this picture . I bought this big turtle at a flea market down the road from us . I have been eyeing it for a long time . He had a couple of little buddies that I may end up going back for . Our sweet neighbor spread bluebonnet seed all around our pond last fall and we have lots popping up all over . It 's really awesome to see . I played with my camera some . I am still figuring out the millions of settings and functions it has . These photos of flowers are untouched . Posted by I like to do little special project with Levi on the weekends . Last weekend we made this step stool . On the top it says ' Reaching for the stars . . . . Begins with one small step . ' Isn 't it cute ? Posted by I still don 't think Levi is 100 % , but it hasn 't slowed him down too much . He was pretty tired last night and after I tucked him in bed I realized he had something in his hand . I asked to see it and realized he was clutching a fistfull of change . I have no idea where he got it , but I didn 't think it was a good idea to let him sleep with it , so I took it out of his hand an placed it onto the night stand . He had a complete meltdown , crying giant crocodile tears , quivering lip , the whole nine - yards . I finally calmed him down enough to ask him what was wrong , and in between sobs he croaked , ' That was all the money I had to buy a toy ' . Like he was some poor little beggar child whose life savings I had just taken away . He was seriously pathetic and I had to stifle a laugh cuz he was so darn cute . I re - assured him that the money would stay right there for him . He stopped crying and 10 seconds later was sound asleep . Poor little beggar child . Maybe I should get him his own pencil cup and a cardboard sign . . . . I ordered some shorts and tank tops for him the other day . I got a pretty good deal . Three pairs of shorts and three shirts for $ 10 . 92 . They came in the mail yesterday and when I told him the package was for him he practically shot across the room to get to it . He tore it open and then had to try them on and model them for us . I know the days where he is thrilled to get clothes in the mail will be ending soon , but it sure is nice while it lasts . It is also very nice to be able to clothe him for so little . All too soon he will be demanding Abercrombie or whatever the store - du - jour is then . Someone please tell me boys are not as hard to buy clothes for as girls are . The search for a vehicle for Katie is on . The criteria are that it has to be safe , reliable , not carry too many other people , get good gas mileage and be safe . Yeah , I said safe twice . After her accident last year , I cannot stress how important safety is . Price comes into play too . We don 't believe in just handing things to our kids leading them to a false senPosted by It has been really hot around these parts lately . Upper 80 's most days . Ugh ! Yesterday when I got home I did the usual chores . Picked strawberries , watered them , watered other plants , put moth balls around the watermelon plants because something has nibbled them a little , picked up the mail , put out corn for the deer , blah blah blah . ( Isn 't my life horribly exciting ! ) All the time I was doing these things , Levi , Grayson ( almost 4 yr ) and Mina were tearing around the backyard squealing and having a blast . ( Updated to add that Mina is the little girl we share our Nanny with . She is 2 1 / 2 and Grayson is nanny 's grandson who comes to play ) I got in the house finally and Levi came in , bright pink and overheated , so Katie set him on the counter and got him a glass of ice water . The next thing I know he is spewing like a little Mount Vesuvius and it 's all over him , the counter , the cabinets and the floor . I grabbed a towel and wet it down and started wiping him down with it to get the stuff off and to cool him down more . Poor thing , he had eaten about a bushel of red grapes for snack and he was now covered in pukey grape skins . ( Gee , thanks for the visual ! ) Mina was trying to see what was going on and all worried about Levi , Grayson looked like he was about to cry cuz his buddy was sick , the puppy was tearing around like her tail was on fire and the phone started ringing . Katie ran a bath and I got the poor kid out of his clothes and into the tub . Then I left her to watch him and I went back to clean up . ( Have I ever mentioned how wonderful it is to have her around at times like this ? She is a god - send ! ! ! ) After I got it cleaned up , I went back and washed Levi and got him all wrapped in a big fuffy towel and then Mina and Grayson had to give him hugs and make sure he was OK . After they left and I got his jammies on him , he wanted to lay in our bed and watch TV . He seemed pretty lethargic but no fever . Later I made him some toast and tea and he ate and drank a little . Then he conked out . This morning he was 100 % normal andPosted by I am sure you have all heard of the No Tolerance policy for drugs in schools . This does not include just illegal drugs , but everything from aspirin to rolaids . If a child needs anything during the school day , the parents must bring it to the nurses office , sign a form , allowing distribution , and then the nurse can give it to your child . I have heard of kids getting into trouble for popping a mint into their mouths because it looked like a pill . It is incredible strict and there is no room for common sense . So 2 weeks ago Katie had her tonsils out . She has a little pain left , mostly just irritation , and she gets headaches in the afternoons . Late last week she mentioned that she took some Tylenol in class and it went away . I told her NO WAY . You can 't do that ! Never , ever , do that . Don 't even have it in your purse . You know what can happen ! Yesterday , on my way home form work , Katie called . She was on her way to cheer at the baseball game . She started out the conversation with , Mom , I need to tell you something , but don 't get mad . ' She then proceeded to tell me that she had taken tylenol in class for her headache and the teacher had written her up . She got sent to the principals office and he told her that at a minimum she would be suspended for 3 days and that she might get sent to finish out the year at the alternative school . They would have me come in tomorrow and meet with the principal and the school officers to decide her fate . I freaked . I started yelling . ' You knew better . I told you this owuld happen . You are just going to have to suffer the consequences . There is nothing I can do . You knew better . ' While I was ranting I could hear her trying to get my attention . Finally I stopped to take a breath and she yelled April Fools ! Whuh ? April Fools Mom , it 's a joke . I am going to get that child . . . . . . . But I am so proud . You have learned well , Grasshopper ! I am sure you would expect that April Fool 's day is one of my favorite holidays , but you 're wrong . You see , it 's the ONLY day of the year I don 't usually pull pranks , just because they are expected . Now don 't get me wrong , I do enjoy all the other pranks going on today . So far my favorite is the person who posted an escaped animal warning for the neighborhood near a zoo . It stated that a Loof Lirpa had escaped and was very dangerous and everyone should take cover if they see it . The local police got in on the act and claimed that they were ' on the case ' and felt they would successfully have the animal taken care of by tomorrow . ( Note : Loof Lirpa is April Fool backwards ) Nope , today is just a boring day in my book . Then again , I may or may not have stolen the balls out of the computer mice in the office . . . There is a food thief striking here at work . It started small . First we noticed that candy was disappearing when we weren 't here . Then someone ate an orange a co - worker left on his desk overnight , leaving the peel in his garbage can . Now lunches are going missing out of the communal fridge . Someone ate half of my friend 's pizza he brought for lunch . ( But only half , like he would then eat the rest . Yuck ! ) This same thing happened to me a long time ago at my first real job . The company was way out in the country and there was nothing close by to get lunch from . You either brought your lunch , drove a long way to eat an expensive meal or went hungry . I was a very young , very cash - strapped employee . I had student loans to pay back , was trying to furnish an apartment , pay for a car and get my feet under me . The fact that someone would consistently eat my lunch at least once a week meant I went hungry . Mine wasn 't the only lunch to disappear , but it seemed like I got hit most often . Maybe it was because I was bringing things like left - over pizza and not the rice & chicken feet one chinese fellow routinely brought . I finally got so fed up I decided it was time to take a stand . I went to the store and bought a frozen pizzPosted by |
About twenty years ago , now , it all began with a nagging sense that I 'd forgotten something . It 's hard to believe I can remember the exact moment , the butterflies in my stomach that brought me back down the hall to my front door , back into my apartment , and down into the hell of a life I have now . But that was it ; I stood with my hand over the doorknob , unable to touch it . Like after we had scooted over the new carpets , as children , and thrilled ourselves by daring each other to touch the brass clock . My landlord coming up the stairs finally drove me to grab the thing and open the door . I was behind on the rent again , and the fear of losing my apartment was stronger than much else at that point . I would lose rent control , have to sell all my records . . . I forced my hand down onto the metal , and the cold brass slid innocuously into my palm . My landlord saw me anyway , me laughing with relief , and waved a notice at me with a scowl . My heart began to pound so hard it hurt , so that I could feel it in my eyes like a tight rubber band . Literally one step at a time , I forced myself into my own apartment and to the light switch across the room . But , of course , I never got there . I don 't remember any sound , although my neighbors report a deafening crash . One whole wall of my apartment erupted . I do remember plaster , and records , everywhere . Records flying out , towards the other wall , in slow motion . . . and the twelve - foot - tall library bookcase in front of me , a bookcase full of at least two - hundred pounds of records and books , slammed down exactly three inches from my feet . I stood perfectly still for about ten minutes , looking down at my feet , and up at the wall . The bolts stuck out like ugly fingers from the cracked plaster , which was sloughing off in sheets . I could see the bricks behind it . Down at my feet . Up at the wall . Although it all sounded distant , like I were underwater , I could hear sirens , and shouting , and I began to notice that the mortar between some of the bricks was loose and crumbly . That was when I finally backed into the kitchen , and sat at my table . I wasn 't going to make it to work . They kicked me out of my apartment , obviously , while they assessed whether or not the building was still sound . The police held me for about twenty minutes while they questioned me , and I got a chance to see the delivery truck that had slammed into the side of the building . The driver was killed instantly , I read later , which was obvious to me the minute I saw the twisted remains . They say the brakes failed , that he was going at least forty miles an hour when he hit the outside wall . Shaken badly , I headed straight for the hotel room and simply sat for several hours in its dark silence . I 'd snuck my cat into my hotel room , and she was asleep in my lap . By nightfall , I was finally calm enough to order a pizza and come back to life a little bit . If you were going to be evicted , I thought smugly as a I poured myself a cup of hot tea off the hot plate , you might as well be evicted from an apartment that just had its external wall knocked in . But as I raised the cup to my lips , I noticed my hand had begun to shake . Sour bile crept up in my throat , and the tea did not force it back down . My heart began to pound , again , harder and harder , until I was sure the people in the room next door could hear it . I managed what I think was a smile , but I 'm not sure what it looked like because my heart began to pound again . There , underneath the hangover , it was still there . I excused myself quickly , and almost didn 't make it to the bathroom again ; I threw up until my ribs ached . When I came out , the new assistant manager , the one who wanted that management position , the one who had caught me making lewd tableaus with the produce , was watching the bathroom door . " There 's a cart out on the corner again . Go bring it into the parking lot . After that , come see me in my office . " My legs shook , the room was strangely dim , and my heart was louder than anything else I could hear at this point . But not because of my impending job loss , not because I would suddenly be out of both a job and a place to live ; that would have made sense , but this was a nameless fear . There was something else . The cart had actually veered into the crosswalk , and a man was trying to wrestle one of its wheels up out of a storm drain . I headed toward them mechanically , exhausted and dizzy with fear . I entered the crosswalk just as the woman made her sharp right , and faced the grill of her enormous car with two options : down to the ground or onto the hood . My body made the decision for me , and I lost consciousness on her windshield without even seeing her face . But I strangely , vividly remember her hairstyle . Large , dark , and frosted at the very tips . It was scalloped and pointy like a big brown and gold meringue . I was pondering this hair seemingly moments before a man suddenly shined a tiny flashlight in my right eye and asked me what year it was . I was suddenly lying down . I think I vomited on him , but I don 't know if I answered the question . I do remember a light sense of joy , however , almost immediately . The fear was gone . Its simple absence made even a hospital seem like paradise . My mother was the first person to inform me of my wondrous luck . Although she obviously hadn 't witnessed the accident , and indeed had not approached any closer than her usual three thousand miles since it 'd happened , she had it on good information from the hospital staff that I had been mere inches from death . And in my stupor of painkillers , I had told her about the apartment . And the job . " People reinvent themselves over less than this , " she said , taking a long drag off her cigarette , and exhaling into the phone , " you 're too lucky . " I could tell she was making dinner because I could hear her swear under her breath every few minutes at the food . A series beeps would interrupt us as she squeezed the phone between her ear and shoulder and stirred something frantically , " you 're going to end up in the gutter one of these days , just dead . And I 'm going to have to go down there and identify the body , and say to those people ' that 's my child , and I don 't know why she didn 't listen to me and . . . and . . . figure her life out before this happened . . . " She finished the sentence with the long sigh that had become a part of it at this point . She 'd given up . She was going through the motions . There had been real feeling in her speeches , at one point , but years of studious apathy on my part had killed it . She 'd moved on to my younger sister and brother , and was preparing herself for their children . " Mother , I 'm fine . " They released me from the hospital only hours after I 'd been admitted , with nothing more than a mild concussion and a few bruised ribs . The doctor stressed the fact that I 'd been lucky . Amazingly lucky . With the bruising on my head , she professed great surprise at not seeing more damage inside . The woman who 'd been driving the car had collided with another vehicle coming out of the parking lot , and had still not recovered consciousness . Apparently , I had rolled off her hood just in time to avoid being crushed between the two cars . " You 're fine , " she smiled and patted my shoulder brusquely , standing to usher me out , " you 've got a hard head ! " The nurse offered to call a cab , and escorted me to the taxi stand on her way to have a cigarette . She sat by me on the little concrete bench that used to be for smoking . She 'd had a nephew my age , she told me , who 'd been hit by a car in a crosswalk , just like me , and died . She described the accident in detail , emphasizing how each gruesome injury could have been mine . Two hook and ladders passing through the intersection ended the list . The nurse abandoned her story to scratch at something that looked like toothpaste on the knee of her green pants , and smoke in silence . I stared at the toothpaste stain on the toothpaste colored pants , and said nothing . Finally , the nurse sighed a long sigh . " We all have our place in this universe , you know , and . . . he was part of that , " she sighed , " I think this is just one more sign that you 've still got things to do here . " She leaned in a little , smelling of baby powder and cigarettes and smiled . Then she was gone , snubbing out her cigarette and returning to her shift . The cab was warm and claustrophobic , smelling of nachos and stale beer . I had to stop five blocks from the hotel before I was sick in the back seat , but I tipped the driver generously . And the minute I stepped outside , I started to sweat and shake . I began to look behind me , over and over again , as I walked , until my neck became sore from doing it . I stopped at a bench to stretch , trying to breath slowly and relax . Three young women were out in their bikini tops on a balcony across the street , and they blended into the bronzy windows of the building behind them . Three young men led a class of schoolchildren down the sidewalk on a field - trip . The kids were about three feet tall , and looked like tiny postal workers in their uniforms . A clarinet floated over from some other corner , grandmothers argued in Cantonese , ten tiny dogs swarmed out from a single leash . I stopped , doubled over , like I 'd been punched in the stomach , unable to decide what to do . An old woman in gray sweats passed me and narrowed her eyes . " Crazy , " she muttered just loud enough for me to hear . She made an exaggerated arc around a parking meter to avoid me . I started walking again towards the corner , and looked slowly from right to left . On my side of the street was a branch of my bank , on the other side a liquor store and a dry cleaners . I waited for the light to change , my head buzzing and my fingertips tingling . It was coming . Three people came out of the bank , looking around frantically . They seemed stunned , their legs bent and guns out in front of them . They wore balaclavas . It wasn 't funny , but I found myself laughing under my breath . Just like a movie . Something was missing . A car , maybe ? A man came running to them out of the park , shouting something . We heard the first sirens , from four directions . Then the building alarm at the bank . Five cars arrived nearly simultaneously . The first police officer out of his car was shot ; so was one of the children caught in - between him and the gun . I crouched , counting gunshots with my eyes closed . I heard a scream and footsteps very close to me . I rolled to the side as a burning pain ripped into my lower back . Eventually , I was lifted onto a stretcher , and someone was putting a plastic mask over my face . It smelled like a new pool toy . I heard the word kidney from somewhere near my head , and then something poked into my side and I passed out . I awoke , with all kinds of tubes in my arms , in what I knew from endless hours of hospital drama shows to be the ICU . The first thing that came to my mind was a little braid of hair , soft and dark brown , lying on the sidewalk next to a motionless face . I could see the reflection of my eye in one of the shiny , pink balls at the end of it . One of the children on the field trip . I stared at the ceiling of the room , trying to will the image to leave my mind . The nurse that came to check on me was the same nurse that had called me the cab . This time her face was lined with exhaustion . How long had it been since I 'd last seen her ? She looked like a caricature of a sleepy person , like a cartoon character who might try to prop open her eyelids with a tiny jack . She didn 't say anything to me at first , instead attending to another patient in the room . When it was my turn , she came to my bedside and quietly busied herself with my IV drip . " So , what 's the prognosis ? " " Well , you 've been in surgery for several hours . Do you remember anything ? " " The bullet went right through your kidney , and didn 't do any other damage . I know it sounds alarming , and it 's nothing to take lightly , but you 'll be okay . You can live with one kidney just fine . You 'll be out of here in no time . " " You know , " she put my chart back at the foot of my bed and came to my side again , leaning on the wall behind us , " I don 't want to scare you , but you were right in the line of fire . I have to tell you that most of the people around you were either killed , or very seriously injured . You must have been standing in exactly the right place , at exactly the right time . " She fixed her large , unblinking eyes right on my pupils until I had to look down at my hands . " I know I don 't have to tell you this , but , " she cocked a thick eyebrow and chuckled a tiny bit out of the side of her mouth as she adjusted the blinds . " You 're lucky to be alive . " Gold stripes cut across my legs and knees , and she left the room . I could tell you more , but you could probably guess the details just as well . These days , I just live for the moments I don 't have the fear . Let me tell you : there 's nothing like a little peace when you haven 't felt it in a while . I get by . I 'm not like some animal , or anything . I stay away from the city , until I need to eat . There 's a man that brings me bagels , sometimes , on his way to work . He even bought me coffee , once . Nobody ever really bothers me , not anymore . The people on the street know me , and the people at the shelters won 't take me anymore . Not that I 'd try to stay there ; I did at first , but not anymore , not after the first few times . . . well , there 's little kids in those shelters , sometimes . I 've seen one child die in front of me , I just couldn 't stand it if it happened again . Mostly , I sleep out at the beach . Every once in a while , some new young cop comes onto the beat and I start getting taken downtown for a while until things start happening , and people start getting hurt . He either learns his lesson , or the other police that already have get him removed . The last thing they want to see downtown is my face . I can 't count the number of people I 've seen fall from the cliffs ; I used to sleep on the beach itself , but the paramedics kept having to fish me out . Now I just figure , well , there 's signs posted . These cliffs are dangerous , those fool kids don 't need to know why . At least the people who fall , I know they 've been warned . And , well , I wait . I wait for death , I suppose , but the creeping feeling that it 's not coming for a while has taken root lately . I 've been inches from it , like my mother said years ago , literally thousands of times . They don 't talk about it at the hospitals . They don 't keep any files at the station downtown . But they know ; we all know . When I say I have a feeling something bad is going to happen , you want to get as far away as you can . At least , there is a thread of comfort I 've grabbed onto lately . It makes me smile , as I 'm drifting off to sleep . The thing is this : I have to die , someday . I 've been close to it enough times , but I 'm still a human being . It 'll come , one way or another . " This inexplicable sadness will destroy you in the end , " said Nautilus to Magpie . She waved her tentacles to form the words in her mute , fluid sign language . It was better than ' cheer up ; ' it would 've sounded much nicer if it had made any sound . Last words should sound nice , if nothing else . Magpie 's eyes were the only thing moving as he watched Nautilus ' tentacles go slack for the last time . He couldn 't have said anything even if he 'd wanted to ; his beak had crusted over with salt . And now , the girl held Nautilus up , in her pincers : her trophy . Magpie noticed the sticky gleam where the points began to pull her slack body from the shell , and closed his eyes . He had come to see his best and only friend because he had been so long in the mountains . One sunny morning had drooped into slow rain , and the apple snails had started wandering around on the logs , and suddenly the years of missing her all stacked up at once . Those brown , coiled shells , wet and shiny , were her shell . The doddering little snails were nothing like Nautilus , but their shells were a sad copy . Like the little , red windflowers in the grass copied the astonishing , blue sea - anemones . Magpie found Nautilus in the same place he had first found her . He was careful not to step on any anemones this time , and thought he had avoided getting stung , until he saw Nautilus . And his foot disappeared into the the irritable , contracting balloon . Yanking his sore leg up and out of the thing , Magpie cocked his head at the change in Nautilus . She was almost larger than him , now . But soon , they 'd chatted about next to nothing , just like always , and Magpie tried to pretend he 'd never left . The tide pools , the beach , the cliffs , the water , all exactly the same . But every time he looked back down , the fantasy washed away . So it was Magpie , looking discreetly over his friend at the strand beyond her , who noticed it first . Just a tiny shadow crawling across the sand to the base of the rocks . It disappeared out of view as it came closer to the base of the jetty , and Magpie asked Nautilus what kind of person could possibly be out at the beach at this time of day , in this kind of weather . The sun about to set , enormous violet thunderheads rising up out of the clouds . Nautilus said that she didn 't know , but seemed a little upset . But she always seemed a little upset . Magpie dictated each movement he saw to Nautilus , who couldn 't see up over the edge of her pool . A little girl , finally , with messy brown hair , winding and hopping slowly across the tide - pools like she were dancing . Something in her hands . Then , Nautilus wanted to see . Gently , Magpie tried to lift Nautilus up in his beak , as he 'd done when she were smaller , but she was too big to fit . Eventually he had to stand with his mouth to the ground as she twined her soft tentacles cautiously around the sharp points of his beak . She suckered herself to it , but her shell dangled wildly off the end . Magpie watched the velvety horseshoe of her eye flap closed to focus , straining to keep his sharp beak still . He could so easily cut her soft little body like this , without even knowing it ; she could fall ; she used to fit so safely inside . " It 's doubt , " Nautilus gestured emphatically with all ten of her legs pointing out from her face . She swayed and waved frantically to be let down . Magpie put her gently into the water , stepping aside as she swam briskly to her niche between the rocks . She curled up into her shell the slightest bit , and sat very still , and neither of them said another word . " I could carry you , and fly away to somewhere safe . " " Your beak is too sharp for me to hang on that long . " " I could carry you with my feet , and you could hang on to my legs with your suckers . " The image of the seagulls taking up the sea snails and dashing them against sharp rocks to pick out their bodies came suddenly to his mind as he said it . He wondered if it came to hers . They both knew that he would never hurt her . He was not a sea bird , anyway . Nautilus sat for a long time with her legs curled into a little flower around her mouth , watching him out of one , delicate , saucer - eye . Magpie couldn 't say where she should go . He just stood and watched as the girl came closer , rubbing his head against his side as the spray needled his eyes . The tide was coming in , and the white foam that flew off it began to coat him in brine . Doubt stopped several times to comb some of the tide - pools . The salt began to lodge between Magpie 's feathers , while Nautilus drifted mutely in and out of the antler - like red coral . Finally , as she climbed the little bluff beneath them , Magpie could see what she was carrying . In one hand she gripped a bucket and a large net , and in the other a set of calipers . Her arms stretched out ridiculously straight to either side , balancing as she tiptoed over the slippery rocks . Her tongue stuck out endearingly in a look of deep concentration , and her pale eyebrows knit together charmingly over her snub little nose . And Magpie shuddered . He couldn 't have carried Nautilus away by then , even if she had wanted him to . The salt had weighted down his feathers , and he would be too heavy to fly . He probably could have just barely lifted himself . So he stood , transfixed by the tools , and watched in silence as the girl closed the last few hundred yards between them . The steel of the calipers had a mirror - shine , except where it was dull at the ends from sharpening , where they were stained with the purple and black and red blood of an army of different kinds of little creatures . And the net , an odd thing to carry to the tide pools . It was long and attenuated , but wide at the mouth ; the kind of net that people used to catch butterflies . The television was on in the background , but Rachel hadn 't really been watching it . She had the sound turned down so low she could only make out exactly what was being said if she concentrated very hard . " Oh yeah ? " she said to herself , and watched the images on the screen for a few seconds . The camera panned out over the bobbing sea of heads at a nightclub . Rhythmic , bass - heavy music could be heard muffled and distorted behind the newscaster 's voice . Several high - school snapshots flashed on the screen , accompanied by quick litanies of biographical information . All Rachel heard were the names . The newscaster 's face was grave , and Rachel heard just enough of the story to know that it was an exposé of some kind . The words ' youth ' and ' culture ' peppered the report , and the didactic graphics that were currently whizzing across the screen seemed to describe a new drug of some kind . Someone had certainly been killed . Rachel got up and turned the television off , looking briefly around for the remote first . Angel had probably taken it to bed with him again , she guessed , so she didn 't look too hard . Who wanted to go into Angel 's room ? It was the kind of place where he could easily be hiding a large dresser or a compost heap or a supercomputer console , and nobody would ever know under all that stuff . A loss of a feeling of connection with reality my ass , she thought to herself as she stared at the blank face of the television . Just because somebody won 't swallow the plastic - wrapped version of ' reality ' that the mass media tries to feed them , Rachel thought , all the sheep automatically assume that person is out of touch . Rachel had been studying for her psychology midterm , and it had gotten her all stressed out because she only really understood about half the material and the test was in two days . It was time to stop for the night , before she chewed the ends off all her pencils . She didn 't feel like she was going to be getting to sleep anytime soon , however , and she needed to get to work in the morning . Maybe she could take a bath ? Have a glass of wine ? She went to the liquor cabinet , futilely hoping that Carlos and his girlfriend hadn 't finished the Carlo Rossi . Rachel opened the cabinet , and found something small and gray - blue sitting in it . It looked like a little person , except that it was only about six inches high , had no ears , and had leathery wings folded up behind it . It was sitting , with its knees drawn up in front of it , sleeping . " I 'm Rachel , " said Rachel . She didn 't extend her hand to shake like she normally would , obviously . They looked at each other again for several minutes , and then the creature stood up and dusted itself off . Himself , she corrected herself . Although it didn 't appear to have any gonads , it had said its name was Maurice . " Well , " he looked around and sighed , " I suppose I 'll be going now . " Rachel didn 't say anything as he jumped down from the liquor cabinet onto the counter - top . He extended his wings as he did so , catching enough air to glide down softly . He puffed his chest out slightly , then looked up at Rachel and winked and smiled . He stretched his legs , arms and wings , popped his back , and took to the air . As Rachel watched , he flew to the open window nearest to her and ascended up and out of her apartment . It was the one window in the house without a screen . " Did it say anything ? " Carlos asked after several minutes . Rachel looked up at him . He must have seen it , to ask that question . He must have , and just wasn 't owning up to it . " Yeah , it said its name was Maurice , " Rachel replied from over the top of the newspaper she was reading , giving him a challenging stare that he ignored completely . Carlos was back to inspecting the liquor cabinet . He gave one last sniff , and wrinkled his nose . " You hear they 're bombing again overseas ? " Rachel asked as she perused the story from the front page . The story was not about the bombing overseas , it was about a little girl that had gone missing from an affluent neighborhood . Snatched right out of her front yard , the headline screamed in huge letters . " Mmmm , " said Rachel , neither agreeing nor disagreeing . " Hey , the wine 's gone ! " Carlos said as he rummaged through the bottles . " I figured you and Stacey had drunk it , " Rachel said , and took a sip of her coffee . " Huh , " said Rachel . Both of them peered at the wine bottle carefully , and Carlos ran his hand along the side . There were a series of tiny holes in the glass , that looked like they had been drilled into it . A strange look came over Carlos ' face , and he put the bottle in the recycling hastily . I always start the story at the corner , by the liquor store , where I 'd gotten one of those fish - shaped ice - cream things . The ones with the red bean paste . When they were questioning me , in the place they said was a hospital , they would rush me on to the fire . But I wouldn 't let them , because I think it really started at that corner . Besides , after telling the story as many times as I have , you begin to get a rhythm . And it made them uncomfortable , to hear me talk about the man in the Bermuda shorts when he had still been relatively normal . It obviously bothered them , that I had seen him that way . And when you 're sitting in some backless gown on a hard plastic chair in some godawful windowless medical dungeon right out of some episode of the X - files , being questioned for the fifth time by a man in a lab coat who sounds he smokes five packs a day and looks like he eats limes for breakfast , it 's really great to make someone else uncomfortable . " I 'll bet it 's that trailer up there . It 's really going up . Man , you should take a look . Watch that thing go . " The Bermuda shorts had been dark blue , with light blue hibiscus flowers on them , and he had been wearing a shirt that said " I love California . " As soon as the light had changed at the intersection , he jogged off around the corner . I waited a little bit longer . The air smelled like plastic and tires burning , and the smoke had begun to fill the neighborhood with an acrid haze that stung my nose . They asked about the smell more than anything else , when they questioned me later . " Acrid ? " they 'd ask . Yes , acrid , I 'd say . Like when I 'd set my Barbie dolls on fire as a child . By the time I began to move towards the fire , the column of smoke had become a snake , like the kind that popped out of trick nut cans . Black and velvety and bumpy , spiraling up unsteadily into the air . I went through three more cycles of the light turning green , then red , then green , then red , then I joined a mass of people crossing . Mostly , they had come down off the hill where they had been sunbathing , leaving now that the area was thick and uncomfortable with smoke . A woman next to me carried a small baby in an orange linen sling , and was busily folding a piece of the linen up as she walked to make a little mask for the child . But , of course , she 'd been walking towards the fire . Everyone had been walking towards the fire , even me . " Do you remember why you walked towards it ? " they 'd ask me ; it seemed like every other question . I told them they should know , the first time they 'd asked , they 'd done enough tests and stuck me with enough needles to know everything about me . " Would you like us to do more tests ? " had been the sarcastic response , so I answered again . And again . The fire engines kept coming . How many had there been - - five ? seven ? People were flushed and coughing , milling around on all corners as they gently moved towards the scene . I didn 't see any trailer on fire ; it was a house that was burning when I got there . A little one - story bungalow - type house nestled in - between the larger two - and three - story Victorians . The house itself was gutted by the time I saw it , and the fire quickly spread to the two adjoining houses . I could feel the heat from the end of the block . The car in front of the house had burned , as well , and burned completely . It must have been where the acrid smell was coming from . Not just the car , I gradually noticed , but the garden . The mailbox . It was like a wall of flames had just been sprayed over the house and the land in front of it . The fire was so furious now that it was creating a hot wind , picking up fallen leaves and tossing them in our faces . Police on the scene were herding us back away from the row of houses . I moved as they moved me , slowly and mechanically , but I couldn 't leave . There was something I needed to see , I remember . A fifth , and a sixth house in the row caught fire , and the police began to shout . The firefighters were backing up , waving them to keep us away . But , there was something I needed to see . I don 't remember why , I don 't know if I ever knew the reason , but I know there was something there I needed to see . The police were on a bullhorn , saying something I could only half understand , and I moved back with the rest of the people . Slowly , and reluctantly . Step by step . A woman screamed , and the sound briefly snapped me out of the trance I 'd fallen into , allowing me to catch a clear glimpse of the larger scene around us . The police were everywhere , with guns and riot shields , hastily constructing an enormous barrier between the crowd and the fire . They were pushing people back from it with batons , and the people moved like cattle . Never taking their eyes off the fire . The fire . Somewhere in the distance , a deep , rhythmic noise began to thrum through the smoke . Seven , then eight more houses caught fire , and it quickly spread to the gardens , the cars , and the parking strips in front of them . Even the grass was burning . The barrier wound around to me , and a police officer prodded me with a baton . I plodded backwards , eyes on the flames , until I was behind the wall and the officer moved on . They moved down the line to herd the rest of the crowd , but I stood where I was and watched the fire . I desperately needed to see . The ninth house caught fire , which was the second from the end of the block . An enormous fist of flames shot out , through twenty feet of clear air , and ignited the huge oak tree in front of the house . The thrumming had become deafening , and a hurricane of wind blew the breath right out of me . The fire danced crazily in and out of the whirlpool of air . More police were coming now , but these were different . In black , with large guns and larger shields , they came at us slowly . We moved slowly , backwards , eyes on the fire . Just exactly as slowly as they moved , and when they quickened , we did too . Another jet of flame leapt from the nearest house out to the large car in front of it . They began to run at us , pushing us back . Ten : the last house caught fire , its car bright and golden , quickly turning black . The sidewalk was burning , the street was burning . I asked myself later how concrete could burn , but I remember what I saw . Then a strange , cracking noise came from the street in front of us , from deep underground . It sounded like a dinosaur , like a giant animal groaning , and I turned to see what it was . I had to see . . . I remember the sound of the explosion , or the beginning of it , but I remember the silence that followed more thoroughly . The sound had started deep under the street , the groaning noise becoming a roar that rattled the manhole cover above it until it finally erupted in a column of flame and broken asphalt almost twenty feet tall . The gas mains were on fire . Fifteen years ago , I had been there when my mother and my aunt had the argument that stopped them talking to each other for two years , over my mother 's decision to have my brother learn to read lips and not learn sign language . And , of course , he couldn 't just go alone into that classroom , without me . He 'd been four , and I 'd been six . Pee - monster , I 'd called him since he was two ; now he was a lawyer and spoke five different languages , including sign language . I never thought I 'd make anything more of my lip - reading skills than the weed money I 'd earned in high - school , spying for classmates . I only caught a glimpse of the crowd after I woke up from the blast , as I was being loaded onto the ambulance . They had my neck in one of those plastic braces , but I could move it a little . I saw faces , at least a hundred people , being pushed out of the way by what looked like soldiers . Their faces . . . How long had I been unconscious ? The street was on fire ; the geyser of flame still at least ten feet high from the manhole , and the entire block burning . I 'd woken up in the intersection , forty feet from where I had been , and I could see the true extent of the blaze . Everything was burning , down to the steel mailboxes . I strained to get a better look as I was wheeled away , struggling at my restraints and given a threatening head - shake by an unusually well - armed paramedic . An army paramedic , I guessed , not that I knew much about it . But she was wearing fatigues . People in the army wore fatigues , right ? The people in charge spoke relatively freely in front of me , something I would regret for years later once they had researched my background and discovered I could read lips . That I had heard everything they were saying to one another . They brought me to what they said was a hospital , but everyone in it was armed . I was in there for weeks , well after I 'd healed . " It 's happened again , " a less heavily - armed woman in fatigues said , after the blast , " the third time , and it took us this long to get here ? " Moods were almost easier to gauge deaf than when I could hear , I found , and she seemed scared . " Disperse , " had been another common word , from the actual soldiers , the ones that weren 't masked . Since the gas main had begun to burn , most of the actual people near the fire had masks on , " disperse the subjects , " and " sedate . " The doctor , or medic , or whatever , who was wheeling me said " we have to stop them looking at it . We have to get them down . " The most chilling thing was the one man I saw , right before I was loaded onto the ambulance . The man with one of those multicolored patch things on his chest like generals and dictators and dictator - generals had . At least on TV . I didn 't know it then , but I 'd see my fill of multicolored patches in the next few days , asking me irritating questions I couldn 't answer any better than they could . The general , as I called him , had his hand on the shoulder of one of the spectators from the park ; it was the man in the Bermuda shorts . Bermuda short man 's face was like the others had been . It made me sick to look at , trying not to believe I 'd been just like him , before I 'd been knocked out . I looked back at the Bermuda short man 's face again ; I couldn 't help it . The eyes . . . all pupil , glassy . . . his mouth slack and relaxed , like he was on heavy medication . No , like he was brain - damaged . But his face was flushed , and he was breathing as fast as a cat . He stood rooted to the ground , moved only when moved by another , swaying in time to music that wasn 't there . I saw the last part of what the general said , though . I certainly wished I hadn 't in the weeks that followed , in that uncomfortable hospital gown . I still wish I didn 't know anything at all , especially when I get that knock on my door every month . The general rubbed his chin slightly , contemplating the swaying body of the man who stood before him . The general nodded a little , and began speaking behind his hand . But then , he took the hand away , and I saw . " . . . and he seems unusually stable , so we 've prepped a fire - proof truck for him and the others . Do whatever you have to do to figure this out ; you can take as many test - subjects as you need , and we have three more test areas ready . Just make it effective . Make it controlled . " |
To me , there is nothing more precious than our family . We are all connected in some way , like the branches of a tree . This blog explores those branches , sharing family stories and information - both known and yet to be discovered - so we can meet the people behind the names and gain insights into our own lives . If you have questions or would like to share a memory or photo of your own about a family in this blog , I 'd love to hear from you . My mother , who preferred a simple and small , intimate wedding , objected to this idea . She feared that most of the guests would be business associates of my grandfather 's . She wanted instead to share her day with close friends and family only . It also turned out that she was afraid that her father might quash the wedding plans altogether . An old - fashioned Italian father , he had expected that his only daughter would stay home and care for her parents through their old age and not even consider marrying until after they died . Further , he had hoped that when my mother eventually did marry , it would be to an Italian . Now , it is hard to know whether or not my grandfather changed his mind about this over time . We do know , however , that my mother saw things differently . She was of a younger generation and though not rebellious by nature , she definitely differed with her father on this subject . My mother was deeply in love , and she resolved that she would marry my father , no matter what obstacles stood in her way . My mother locked the door to the shop so they could take a walk . When it was time for my father to go back to work , he leaned in to kiss her goodbye and saw tears streaming down her cheeks . When he asked her what was the matter , my mother plopped down on the curb and buried her face in her hands . My father sat down beside her and took her hand as she told him she could not wait a moment longer . " My parents are away , " she went on . " If we wait until they get back , we won 't be able to do this the way we want to . Maybe we won 't be able to get married at all . " She continued to cry as my father attempted to comfort her . My father , who was a stickler for doing things properly , knew my grandfather would never approve of an elopement . As he and my mother talked some more , he realized that not only was my mother was serious about not waiting , but he , too yearned to be with her all the time . She was more precious to him than life itself , and the thought of spending the rest of his life with her beginning today seemed completely right . He looked down at his lunchpail . " I 'll call work and tell them I 'm not coming back today , " he said . He and my mother got up from the curb and made their way downtown to the Justice of the Peace . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Huesca or Schiavon families , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? Share your memories and comments below . " To my Darling , " reads my father 's inscription in the diary he gave my mother on the day heasked her to marry him . She later wrote theirnames underneath , adding what must havebeen their nickname : " Mr . & Mrs . Zippo . " [ Note : Amanuensis is an ancient word meaning one who performs the function of writing down or transcribing the words of another . Derived from the Latin root manu - , meaning manual or hand , the word also has been used as a synonym for secretary or scribe . ] My parents became engaged on July 3 , 1954 , the eve of my mother 's 26th birthday . Besides a solitaire engagement ring , my father , Gilbert Huesca , gave my mother , Joan Schiavon , a small diary . She dedicated it to him and began recording the first weeks of their engagement . What follows are her entries for those first seven days . The most wonderful day of my life . Gil gave me an engagement ring this evening at home before we left with Mr . and Mrs . Waples to go to the Ivanhoe . We had dinner , danced , had our fortunes told and went down thru ( sic ) the " Catacombs . " Then , my darling Gil had some singers come to sing " Happy Birthday " to me . This evening will live in my heart forever as my love for Gil is for all my life . I love him as I have never loved anyone before . For you , Gil dearest are in my every thought , action , and breath . May you always be as proud of me , as I am of you . How happy and proud I was to show everyone at Downer 's Grove my engagement ring , because I love you , my darling , with all my heart . It was wonderful meeting your brother Carlos * . He is very sweet . I do hope he will like me . Mrs . Waples was so darling to make such a beautiful cake for my birthday . I was so thrilled and happy today . But , I know that I shall always be happy as long as you are with me . My thoughts were with you all morning , as they shall be every moment of my life . I was so sorry that Carlos was unable to spend more time with us . But , selfishly , I was very happy to have you all to myself for the afternoon . We had such a lovely time at the home of your friends , they were so sweet and kind to us . We got caught in the rain and put your raincoat over our heads ! I even enjoy the rain with you , my darling . I was so afraid you wouldn 't get a chance to kiss me goodnight when Dad and Mother took you home . But we did kiss and now I am happy . Being with you tonight was wonderful , but Darling , you really gave me a scare when you said you had something to show me . You didn 't tell me it was your heart until after you unbuttoned your shirt . Then , I felt so silly because you told me I was blushing . Mrs . Waples was so sweet to make that jar of cookies for me . Dearest , I am so proud to love you . I really am very fortunate to have you to love . Your Mother was very sweet in her letter . I hope I will make a good wife to her son . Dearest : you are the sweetest most wonderful man in all this world . I 'm writing this tonight with your fountain pen . You were so dear to let me use it . You read this diary tonight , and I only wish that I could express all the love that I have for you in my heart . It was so nice of you to take Mother , Margaret * * , and I for coffee tonight . I wish that you were here now so I could give you a big kiss . I wonder what you will think ten years from now when you read this ? I just finished talking to you on the telephone . The roses that you brought me this evening are beautiful . I have them here in my room so that I can look at them as I go to sleep and think of you and how much I love you , my Darling . I hope you will get a nice rest tonight - you sounded so tired on the phone tonight . I 'm getting sleepy , now dear , so goodnight for now . I love you . What a lovely evening we 've had tonight ! It 's just a week now that we 've been engaged . I 'm so proud of my ring and of you . Has any girl ever been as happy as I am . And darling you are what makes this little package of oatmeal so happy . It was so nice dancing at the " Sociedad Española . " ( Is my Spanish improving ? ) To be with you is always wonderful . I was very sorry that the Algarins did not come . But you were with me . That 's enough for me ! Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Huesca or Schiavon families , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? Share your memories and comments below . My father , Gilbert Huesca , could hardly contain the love he felt for my mother , Joan Schiavon . His workdays at Lakeshore Printing flew by as he waited for five o ' clock to come so he could see her again . When he was not with my mother , he was talking about her to his younger brother , Carlos Huesca , who had recently arrived in Chicago from Mexico City , or to his friends , Louis and Theresa Algarin and Frank and Fern Waples , or writing home to his mother , Catalina ( Perrotin ) Huesca , in Mexico City . By late June , it had been only two months since he had met her at the end of April , 1954 , but he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her . One evening , over a game of chess with Frank Waples , my father was less focused than usual . Fern sensed his mind was on something else , and she asked him if everything was all right between him and Joan . " Oh , yes , " he said . " It couldn 't be better . But Fern , she is very special . There are other fellows who are very interested in her . They 're very rich and powerful . " " And is she interested in any of them ? " Fern asked , always quick to cut to the heart of the matter . " No . The way she looks into my eyes , I know she loves me . " " So what are you waiting for ? Go ask her to marry you , Gil ! " " But how can I ask her so soon ? We 've only been seeing each other for a little while . " Fern Waples was not a woman to listen to excuses . " Well , Gil , I told you before that she was too much girl for you . I guess you 'll either just have to ask her or let her go . " She turned around and left the room . My grandfather had seen a proposal coming , but not this soon . He hesitated at the thought of his only daughter marrying someone who was not Italian , though he himself had married an Irish - American . He looked at my father sternly . My father had anticipated that my grandfather would be tough on him , but he did not expect this question . He smiled . " No , " he said confidently . " Is there any in yours ? " Ralph Schiavon had to laugh at my father 's quick comeback . He shook his head and knew he had met his match . He gave my father his permission , albeit reluctantly . The next evening , my father arrived at the Schiavon home to take my mother out for an early birthday dinner celebration . My grandmother , Alice ( McGinnis ) Schiavon , who had heard of my father 's intentions from my grandfather , met him at the door and showed him to the living room . My mother soon appeared in a lovely red lace dress , and my grandparents disappeared , leaving the sweethearts alone . My father could not believe how beautiful she looked and almost forgot to give her the small gift - wrapped package he had in his hands . Inside was a diary with a deep red cover , " the color of my heart , " my father said . My mother loved it . " I 'm going to fill it with all my love for you , " she said as she hugged him . But that was not all my father had for her . He took another small box from his pocket and got down on one knee . My mother 's eyes grew wide as his trembling fingers opened the box to reveal a white gold diamond solitaire ring . My grandparents soon returned to the living room and congratulated the newly engaged couple . After a short celebration , my parents left to meet Frank and Fern Waples at the Ivanhoe , a famous medieval - style restaurant at Clark and Wellington Streets in Chicago . It was a Saturday evening , and the good people of the City of Chicago had already begun their festivities for Independence Day , just hours away . Fireworks celebrating the American holiday were going off all over the city , but for two people who had just promised their undying love to each other , they seemed to be heralding the start of a beautiful life together . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Huesca or Schiavon families , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? Share your memories and comments below . It was early May , 1954 , and they went to see Otto Preminger 's River of No Return , starring Robert Mitchum and Marilyn Monroe . When my father picked my mother up at her family 's antiques store , Chatham Galleries , she said her father , Ralph Schiavon , had told her in no uncertain terms that she was to be home by 9 : 30 p . m . " He was a big man with a big voice , " my father told me . " And your mother said , if he said 9 : 30 , it had to be 9 : 30 . Not a fraction of a second later . " They took the Illinois Central ( known locally as the I . C . ) " L train , " short for Elevated train , downtown . " We never saw the movie , of course , " my father confessed . " I sat there looking at her , and she was looking at me . And we left there and got to the station and found that the train had already left . " I said , well you better call your father . So she did , and he asked where we were . She told him we were right in the Loop , and he said , well you must return on the next train . I could hear his voice , even from the phone booth . It was very stern . " When we arrived at the station , he was there to meet us . I thought , oh my God . I was already afraid of meeting him , and this was the first time I met him . " And he was very kind . What a relief . I was very thankful for that . " Did they kiss goodnight ? " Not that night . Not with her father standing right there , " my father grinned . " I knew I couldn 't if I wanted to see her again . " My mother loved talking about that first date . She removed one of her earrings and gave it to my father to hold for her during the movie . She conveniently " forgot " to ask for it later , so my father would have an excuse to bring it back to her and they could see each other again . ( My mother told this story so many times that when I began dating , I always planned ahead what small item I could " forget " in case I wanted to see my date again . ) She didn 't remember seeing much of the movie , either . While they sat in the theater , she spent most of the time moving my father 's arm off her shoulder , only to have him put his arm around her again . Whenever she recalled this part , her face would light up . My father 's friends , Frank and Fern Waples , waited up for him that night as if he were their own son . Fern asked how he liked the movie . " Beautiful movie , " my father replied . " I don 't know what happened , but it was a beautiful movie ! " " Gilbert ! " she exclaimed . When he told her about the missed train episode , she frowned . " This isn 't just any girl , Gil . If you really want to see her , you 'll have to get her home on time and do exactly what her father says . " From then on , my father walked over to the Schiavon home most evenings to visit my mother . He did not own a car or have much money , so their dates typically consisted of coffee and dessert at the Waples home , strolls in the park , or simple walks around the block , holding hands and talking . As far as they were concerned , they could not have enjoyed each other more if they had been on the Champs - Elysées or dining at a five star restaurant . Being together was all that mattered . Though my mother was nearly 26 and a responsible adult , she still lived at home with her parents , as most young single women did in the 1950s . Moreover , as the daughter of a strict Italian father who loved her fiercely and protectively , she accepted that he was the head of the household and respected his stringent rules . This , however , is not always easy to do , especially when the days have grown long and you are very much in love . " Oh , please , Gil , " she would say most evenings . " Let 's just go once more around the block . " How could he say no to her ? Off they would go , again and again , oblivious to the neighbors watching amusedly from their porches in the sticky Chicago heat , until the street lights on Saint Lawrence Avenue came on and my grandfather would look out the front window . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Schiavon family , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? If so , share your memories and comments below . So said Fern Waples , my father 's landlady and friend , with her sly smile as she watched him look back longingly at the Chicago antiques gallery where he had met the girl of his dreams on a sunny afternoon in late April , 1954 . My father , Gilbert Huesca , grinned back . He loved nothing more than a good challenge . That morning , he had asked Mrs . Waples to show him where he could buy a Mother 's Day card to send his mother , Catalina ( Perrotin ) Huesca , in Mexico City . Mrs . Waples , a savvy woman who knew all the best places to shop , remembered there was a place , Chatham Galleries , about two blocks from her home . Known chiefly for its European art and antiques , it also carried a nice greeting card selection . She offered to take him there . Mrs . Waples busied herself looking at the antiques while my father wandered around . As he would tell the story years later , a " beautiful young lady " approached him and asked if she could help him . He told her he needed a card for his mother for Mother 's Day . " I want something very special for her , " he said , " with simple but loving words . " She paused thoughtfully and led him to the greeting card display . As she began pulling out cards and making suggestions in a soothing voice , my father nearly forgot why he came in the first place . She was five - foot - four , but she looked much taller in her high heels and slender frame . She moved with the grace of a dancer , looking up often at Gil intuitively as she talked . Her medium brown hair was swept into soft curls that crowned her head , drawing attention to her expressive brown eyes . Her complexion was fair and smooth , and her red lips curled easily upward into a smile that was confident yet sweet and gentle . Her words were crisp and lilting , and to him , they sounded like music . By the time he paid for a card and left , Mrs . Waples , who was already outside and was watching through the window , looked at him knowingly . " You sure took a long time in there , Gil , " she said . My father was breathless . " Fern , I bought a beautiful card . . . but . . . I just love the girl ! " As they walked down Cottage Grove Avenue , my father reflected on his landlady 's words . Maybe she was right about this girl . Then again , he wondered how it was that he could think of nothing else . Alice ( McGinnis ) Schiavon looked up at the handsome young man . " Oh , that would be my daughter Joie , " she said . " She 's at the restaurant * next door . " My father thanked her and went over to the restaurant . There she was , sitting at the lunch counter . My father took a deep breath and approached her . " Joie , do you remember me ? " he asked , trying to sound calmer than he felt . He thought he saw her blush . " Oh , yes , " she said . " You bought the Mother 's Day card with the flowers on it . " She let him take the stool next to her . My father could not believe how easy she was to talk to , and he soon forgot his nervousness as he told her about his home in Mexico City and his experiences in Chicago over the past eight years . She asked to see a photograph of his mother and laughed when he told her about his first weeks in Chicago , when his restaurant meals consisted of only apple pie because that was all he knew how to order in English . He was captivated by her own stories and her sharp wit and her devotion to her parents , and he became intrigued with learning more about this beautiful lady . There was something about her - a sense of goodness and dignity and culture - that appealed to him . Joie - Joan Schiavon - had not forgotten him at all . She was thrilled to see this handsome stranger again and could not believe he had taken the trouble to find her . She had been impressed by his politeness and charmed by his Spanish accent . He seemed different from the other young men she had met until now , and she liked the way he related to others , from the respect he showed the older woman who had accompanied him to the store a few days before to the kind way he talked to the waitress at the lunch counter . And his eyes - how they seemed to see right through her . She wondered if he could read her mind right now . The thought made her blush even more . Before either of them knew it , it was time for Joan to go back to work . My father noticed she had hardly touched her food . He asked if he could see her again . My father was confused . " How old are you ? " he asked . " 25 - but you have to see my parents first . " She smiled back at him , slid off the stool , and went back to work . Gil and Joan 's first date was to the movies to see River of No Return , a romantic Western starring Robert Mitchum and Marilyn Monroe . Though the fictional movie turned out to be far less stellar that its illustrious cast , its title would mark the beginning of a real life love story between two people whose lives would be changed forever . And all this because my father had gone looking for a greeting card and came away with a priceless find in the lady he would soon ask to become his wife . For that I will be forever thankful . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of the Huesca or Waples families ? If so , share your memories and comments below . Some time around 1950 , my father , Gilbert Cayetano Huesca , set out to find a new room to rent in Chicago . He had lived for several years with his good friends , Louis and Theresa Algarin , since arriving in the United States , and he had started his own business , Lakeshore Printing , on Lakeshore Drive in Chicago . We don 't know why he decided to move . Did the large Algarin family need the space for other children or grandchildren ? Or did my father want to be closer to work ? At that time , he did not have a car and had to rely on public transportation , so this would have been a good reason to move . In any case , the Algarins were sad to see him go , but my father 's friendship with them remained strong and endured through two generations . When he saw a sign in a two story home on Chicago 's South Side advertising a room for rent , my father called the number on the sign and arranged with the lady of the house , Fern ( Lawton ) Waples , to view the room . When he arrived , he was impressed by the meticulous cleanliness of the room and the rest of the house , which was quite large . Frank and Fern Waples , dear friends of my father 's , at Being fastidiously clean , my father minced no words but asked Mrs . Waples whether her house was always this clean or had she cleaned up because she knew he was coming ? She was not put off by the remark but proved herself equally picky when it came to renters . " Young man , " she said , " I should be insulted , but instead I can see that we think alike . The room is yours if you want it . " Frank and Fern Waples were about fifteen years older than my father , but they treated him like a son , much as the Algarins had . Frank had worked in various positions , from land appraiser to railway worker to insurance agent . He was an affable man who seemed happiest when he was surrounded by family and friends . He and my father spent hours talking about everything under the sun . He loved nothing better than hosting a large circle of family and friends at the Waples home for summer picnics and celebrations . It was Frank who taught my father the art of the barbecue . Fern was a private school teacher . She was charming and direct . She noticed how much my father missed his family and friends in Mexico and took him under her wing , helping him with his English and coaching him on American culture and customs . She was always encouraging him to meet new people and experience new things . My father recalled that Fern was a stylish dresser who rarely went anywhere without her trademark pearl necklace and earrings . She loved a good sale and was the person you went to when you wanted to know where to find that " something special . " This special knack of hers would one day change my father 's life . From what he told us , the big house was usually bustling with young people - the grown - up Waples children and their friends . The family 's relaxed nature and constant activity made him feel right at home . When he wasn 't playing chess with Frank or testing Fern 's baking , he was taking one of their daughters to the museum or the movies . I was only 6 years old when my father told me that Mrs . Waples , as we knew her , died . It was the first time I knew someone who had passed away . I recall my parents driving with my two sisters and me to the funeral home for the wake . ( I couldn 't figure out why they called it that when we knew she would never wake up . ) The sky was overcast , and a light rain was falling . My father parked a short distance away from the funeral home . He and my mother took turns watching us while the other went inside to pay respects . They were very quiet all the way home . Frank retired some time after that . He moved to San Marcos in Southern California and marred a second time to a lovely lady named Katie . They later moved to Arizona , where he died in 1993 . Did you know Gilbert Huesca or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of the Huesca , Waples , or Algarin families ? If so , share your memories and comments below . One of the most stunning pieces in the Chatham collection was the large porcelain plate pictured here . Measuring about 27 inches in diameter , it bore the likeness of an aristocratic lady dressed in vivid hues of burgundy , white , pink and blue , painted on a gold field with raised designs . The plate was signed " Dapoigny " on the bottom and was not dated . The lady on the plate appears to be French . Beyond this , we know nothing of the plate 's provenance . This was one of the articles my grandmother and mother brought back from Europe , though I do not recall hearing where they found it . The " Lady Plate , " as our family called it , hung in Chatham Galleries for a while . Like so many other things , she eventually made her way to my grandparent 's home , where she reigned in splendor for nearly a decade . Before my grandmother died in 1963 , she gave the Lady Plate to my mother , knowing she would always cherish it . My mother at Chatham Galleries , the antiques business she and my The Lady Plate became a special part of our family , and we accorded her the reverence and love as the grande dame she was . She came with us when our family moved down to Mexico City and again a few years later when we moved to California , both times safely cradled in a bundle of blankets on my mother 's lap in the front seat of our yellow 1962 Ford Falcon station wagon . This was no small feat , considering the plate 's size and heaviness . The Mexican roads were not the best , even the modern toll roads . My father did all he could to navigate around bumps and holes in the road , but this was not always possible over the 3 , 000 or so miles we covered . There were no seat belts in those days , so we were jolted back and forth and up and down as the car rounded sharp curves , dodged erratic drivers , or hit the inevitable surprise pothole . Through it all , my mother held tight to her treasured bundle . Thanks to my parents ' diligence and care , the Lady Plate survived without a scratch . She seemed to graciously accept her new place of honor on the living room wall wherever we went , presiding over us with her peaceful countenance . My father , Gilbert Cayetano Huesca , always carefully anchored the Lady Plate to the wall to keep her intact and safe . Despite her vintage , which we guessed to be between 200 - 300 years , she never grew old but remained serenely beautiful , outlasting her many owners , including my grandmother and my mother . She was there for us during the milestones of our lives : our first steps , birthday parties , graduations , marriages . She was there as we faced the loss of our mother to cancer and when we brought our newborn children home to visit their grandfather . She seemed invincible all those years , surviving the jarring 7 . 1 Loma Prieta Earthquake that struck Northern California in 1989 and who knows what other calamities centuries before . Yet like many things of beauty , she could not last forever . Her long life span finally came to an end one afternoon about four years ago . My precious father , by then 92 years old and still strong and independent of body and mind , was deep cleaning his living room when he moved the couch away from the wall . Somehow he must have bumped into the Lady Plate , and she came crashing to the floor . Thank God he was not hurt . Not knowing what had happened , I arrived at his apartment for lunch a short while later and found him sitting at his table with his head in his hands , a large plastic bag containing the pieces of the beloved plate by his side . He was overcome with grief . I think he felt as though he had lost a good friend who had been a part of his life for over fifty years . To him the Lady Plate represented my mother - his wife , the most beautiful and important lady in his life and the owner of his heart . We held each other and cried . It could have happened to any one of us . My dear father , the most careful and meticulous person I have known , was not at fault for the demise of the Lady Plate . Ever mindful of my mother 's love for this prized possession , he had cared for the plate for over two decades as one who had been given a special treasure to guard . Sometimes , though , things happen , no matter how hard we try to prevent them . Perhaps it was simply her time . I have the Lady Plate now , carefully put away in her new form . A large part of her face is still intact , but the rest of the pieces were not so lucky . I just cannot bear to part with her , even in her fragments . Maybe some day I will be able to have someone put her back together so she can resume her place on our own living room wall to lovingly watch over and be cherished by future generations . . As much a lover of a good find as she was of the thrill of the hunt , my grandmother was a familiar face at antique stores and estate and second - hand sales both in Chicago and near the family summer cottage in Big Blue Lake , Michigan . She developed a passion for exquisite European antiques - not the kind one finds in an old farmhouse , but the type one would have in a fine home . She had a large assortment of porcelain , including Dresden , Meissen , Limoges , Sevres , Haviland , Capodimonte , Belleek , among others . My grandmother , Alice Schiavon at left , with her older sister , Benita ( McGinnis ) McCormick , at the grand opening of Chatham Galleries , September 29 , 1951 , Chicago , Illinois . The bronze dog with puppies wasone of the pieces brought back from Europe the year before . It was a favorite piece of my grandmother 's - perhaps this is why it was never sold . Her doll collection already took up considerable space in the family home at 8200 St . Lawrence Avenue . . A November 11 , 1945 article in the Chicago Daily Tribune noted that the dolls took over the entire basement , at one time numbering 3 , 600 . It was no surprise , then , that Alice needed more room to house her treasures . My grandfather , Ralph Schiavon , always supported Alice in her shopping expeditions . He understood that his wife was not content to be home cooking and cleaning but needed to be busy with her collections and projects . So when she suggested opening a gallery , he was happy to help her get started and gave her the funds she needed . He agreed with her that it would be a good opportunity for their daughter , Joan ( my mother ) to spend more time with her in a common endeavor ; moreover , he liked the idea of my mother learning the ins and outs of running a business . My mother 's college friend , Margaret Yu , sent best wishes and hearty encouragement to the mother - daughter team . She recalled that in her own hometown of Hong Kong , the Chinese invited all their friends and family to visit on frequent occasions when they opened a new business . The idea was that when passers - by looked in the store and saw a crowd gathered , they would go inside , too , because they wanted to be part of whatever was going on . This seemed like good advice , and before long family , friends , and even some of my grandfather 's business associates were filling Chatham Galleries during several open house events . Did you know , or are you a member of the Schiavon / Schiavone , Ciliberto , or McCormick families ? Do you remember Chatham Galleries ? If so , share your memories and comments below . |
To me , there is nothing more precious than our family . We are all connected in some way , like the branches of a tree . This blog explores those branches , sharing family stories and information - both known and yet to be discovered - so we can meet the people behind the names and gain insights into our own lives . If you have questions or would like to share a memory or photo of your own about a family in this blog , I 'd love to hear from you . My mother , who preferred a simple and small , intimate wedding , objected to this idea . She feared that most of the guests would be business associates of my grandfather 's . She wanted instead to share her day with close friends and family only . It also turned out that she was afraid that her father might quash the wedding plans altogether . An old - fashioned Italian father , he had expected that his only daughter would stay home and care for her parents through their old age and not even consider marrying until after they died . Further , he had hoped that when my mother eventually did marry , it would be to an Italian . Now , it is hard to know whether or not my grandfather changed his mind about this over time . We do know , however , that my mother saw things differently . She was of a younger generation and though not rebellious by nature , she definitely differed with her father on this subject . My mother was deeply in love , and she resolved that she would marry my father , no matter what obstacles stood in her way . My mother locked the door to the shop so they could take a walk . When it was time for my father to go back to work , he leaned in to kiss her goodbye and saw tears streaming down her cheeks . When he asked her what was the matter , my mother plopped down on the curb and buried her face in her hands . My father sat down beside her and took her hand as she told him she could not wait a moment longer . " My parents are away , " she went on . " If we wait until they get back , we won 't be able to do this the way we want to . Maybe we won 't be able to get married at all . " She continued to cry as my father attempted to comfort her . My father , who was a stickler for doing things properly , knew my grandfather would never approve of an elopement . As he and my mother talked some more , he realized that not only was my mother was serious about not waiting , but he , too yearned to be with her all the time . She was more precious to him than life itself , and the thought of spending the rest of his life with her beginning today seemed completely right . He looked down at his lunchpail . " I 'll call work and tell them I 'm not coming back today , " he said . He and my mother got up from the curb and made their way downtown to the Justice of the Peace . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Huesca or Schiavon families , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? Share your memories and comments below . " To my Darling , " reads my father 's inscription in the diary he gave my mother on the day heasked her to marry him . She later wrote theirnames underneath , adding what must havebeen their nickname : " Mr . & Mrs . Zippo . " [ Note : Amanuensis is an ancient word meaning one who performs the function of writing down or transcribing the words of another . Derived from the Latin root manu - , meaning manual or hand , the word also has been used as a synonym for secretary or scribe . ] My parents became engaged on July 3 , 1954 , the eve of my mother 's 26th birthday . Besides a solitaire engagement ring , my father , Gilbert Huesca , gave my mother , Joan Schiavon , a small diary . She dedicated it to him and began recording the first weeks of their engagement . What follows are her entries for those first seven days . The most wonderful day of my life . Gil gave me an engagement ring this evening at home before we left with Mr . and Mrs . Waples to go to the Ivanhoe . We had dinner , danced , had our fortunes told and went down thru ( sic ) the " Catacombs . " Then , my darling Gil had some singers come to sing " Happy Birthday " to me . This evening will live in my heart forever as my love for Gil is for all my life . I love him as I have never loved anyone before . For you , Gil dearest are in my every thought , action , and breath . May you always be as proud of me , as I am of you . How happy and proud I was to show everyone at Downer 's Grove my engagement ring , because I love you , my darling , with all my heart . It was wonderful meeting your brother Carlos * . He is very sweet . I do hope he will like me . Mrs . Waples was so darling to make such a beautiful cake for my birthday . I was so thrilled and happy today . But , I know that I shall always be happy as long as you are with me . My thoughts were with you all morning , as they shall be every moment of my life . I was so sorry that Carlos was unable to spend more time with us . But , selfishly , I was very happy to have you all to myself for the afternoon . We had such a lovely time at the home of your friends , they were so sweet and kind to us . We got caught in the rain and put your raincoat over our heads ! I even enjoy the rain with you , my darling . I was so afraid you wouldn 't get a chance to kiss me goodnight when Dad and Mother took you home . But we did kiss and now I am happy . Being with you tonight was wonderful , but Darling , you really gave me a scare when you said you had something to show me . You didn 't tell me it was your heart until after you unbuttoned your shirt . Then , I felt so silly because you told me I was blushing . Mrs . Waples was so sweet to make that jar of cookies for me . Dearest , I am so proud to love you . I really am very fortunate to have you to love . Your Mother was very sweet in her letter . I hope I will make a good wife to her son . Dearest : you are the sweetest most wonderful man in all this world . I 'm writing this tonight with your fountain pen . You were so dear to let me use it . You read this diary tonight , and I only wish that I could express all the love that I have for you in my heart . It was so nice of you to take Mother , Margaret * * , and I for coffee tonight . I wish that you were here now so I could give you a big kiss . I wonder what you will think ten years from now when you read this ? I just finished talking to you on the telephone . The roses that you brought me this evening are beautiful . I have them here in my room so that I can look at them as I go to sleep and think of you and how much I love you , my Darling . I hope you will get a nice rest tonight - you sounded so tired on the phone tonight . I 'm getting sleepy , now dear , so goodnight for now . I love you . What a lovely evening we 've had tonight ! It 's just a week now that we 've been engaged . I 'm so proud of my ring and of you . Has any girl ever been as happy as I am . And darling you are what makes this little package of oatmeal so happy . It was so nice dancing at the " Sociedad Española . " ( Is my Spanish improving ? ) To be with you is always wonderful . I was very sorry that the Algarins did not come . But you were with me . That 's enough for me ! Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Huesca or Schiavon families , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? Share your memories and comments below . My father , Gilbert Huesca , could hardly contain the love he felt for my mother , Joan Schiavon . His workdays at Lakeshore Printing flew by as he waited for five o ' clock to come so he could see her again . When he was not with my mother , he was talking about her to his younger brother , Carlos Huesca , who had recently arrived in Chicago from Mexico City , or to his friends , Louis and Theresa Algarin and Frank and Fern Waples , or writing home to his mother , Catalina ( Perrotin ) Huesca , in Mexico City . By late June , it had been only two months since he had met her at the end of April , 1954 , but he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her . One evening , over a game of chess with Frank Waples , my father was less focused than usual . Fern sensed his mind was on something else , and she asked him if everything was all right between him and Joan . " Oh , yes , " he said . " It couldn 't be better . But Fern , she is very special . There are other fellows who are very interested in her . They 're very rich and powerful . " " And is she interested in any of them ? " Fern asked , always quick to cut to the heart of the matter . " No . The way she looks into my eyes , I know she loves me . " " So what are you waiting for ? Go ask her to marry you , Gil ! " " But how can I ask her so soon ? We 've only been seeing each other for a little while . " Fern Waples was not a woman to listen to excuses . " Well , Gil , I told you before that she was too much girl for you . I guess you 'll either just have to ask her or let her go . " She turned around and left the room . My grandfather had seen a proposal coming , but not this soon . He hesitated at the thought of his only daughter marrying someone who was not Italian , though he himself had married an Irish - American . He looked at my father sternly . My father had anticipated that my grandfather would be tough on him , but he did not expect this question . He smiled . " No , " he said confidently . " Is there any in yours ? " Ralph Schiavon had to laugh at my father 's quick comeback . He shook his head and knew he had met his match . He gave my father his permission , albeit reluctantly . The next evening , my father arrived at the Schiavon home to take my mother out for an early birthday dinner celebration . My grandmother , Alice ( McGinnis ) Schiavon , who had heard of my father 's intentions from my grandfather , met him at the door and showed him to the living room . My mother soon appeared in a lovely red lace dress , and my grandparents disappeared , leaving the sweethearts alone . My father could not believe how beautiful she looked and almost forgot to give her the small gift - wrapped package he had in his hands . Inside was a diary with a deep red cover , " the color of my heart , " my father said . My mother loved it . " I 'm going to fill it with all my love for you , " she said as she hugged him . But that was not all my father had for her . He took another small box from his pocket and got down on one knee . My mother 's eyes grew wide as his trembling fingers opened the box to reveal a white gold diamond solitaire ring . My grandparents soon returned to the living room and congratulated the newly engaged couple . After a short celebration , my parents left to meet Frank and Fern Waples at the Ivanhoe , a famous medieval - style restaurant at Clark and Wellington Streets in Chicago . It was a Saturday evening , and the good people of the City of Chicago had already begun their festivities for Independence Day , just hours away . Fireworks celebrating the American holiday were going off all over the city , but for two people who had just promised their undying love to each other , they seemed to be heralding the start of a beautiful life together . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Huesca or Schiavon families , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? Share your memories and comments below . It was early May , 1954 , and they went to see Otto Preminger 's River of No Return , starring Robert Mitchum and Marilyn Monroe . When my father picked my mother up at her family 's antiques store , Chatham Galleries , she said her father , Ralph Schiavon , had told her in no uncertain terms that she was to be home by 9 : 30 p . m . " He was a big man with a big voice , " my father told me . " And your mother said , if he said 9 : 30 , it had to be 9 : 30 . Not a fraction of a second later . " They took the Illinois Central ( known locally as the I . C . ) " L train , " short for Elevated train , downtown . " We never saw the movie , of course , " my father confessed . " I sat there looking at her , and she was looking at me . And we left there and got to the station and found that the train had already left . " I said , well you better call your father . So she did , and he asked where we were . She told him we were right in the Loop , and he said , well you must return on the next train . I could hear his voice , even from the phone booth . It was very stern . " When we arrived at the station , he was there to meet us . I thought , oh my God . I was already afraid of meeting him , and this was the first time I met him . " And he was very kind . What a relief . I was very thankful for that . " Did they kiss goodnight ? " Not that night . Not with her father standing right there , " my father grinned . " I knew I couldn 't if I wanted to see her again . " My mother loved talking about that first date . She removed one of her earrings and gave it to my father to hold for her during the movie . She conveniently " forgot " to ask for it later , so my father would have an excuse to bring it back to her and they could see each other again . ( My mother told this story so many times that when I began dating , I always planned ahead what small item I could " forget " in case I wanted to see my date again . ) She didn 't remember seeing much of the movie , either . While they sat in the theater , she spent most of the time moving my father 's arm off her shoulder , only to have him put his arm around her again . Whenever she recalled this part , her face would light up . My father 's friends , Frank and Fern Waples , waited up for him that night as if he were their own son . Fern asked how he liked the movie . " Beautiful movie , " my father replied . " I don 't know what happened , but it was a beautiful movie ! " " Gilbert ! " she exclaimed . When he told her about the missed train episode , she frowned . " This isn 't just any girl , Gil . If you really want to see her , you 'll have to get her home on time and do exactly what her father says . " From then on , my father walked over to the Schiavon home most evenings to visit my mother . He did not own a car or have much money , so their dates typically consisted of coffee and dessert at the Waples home , strolls in the park , or simple walks around the block , holding hands and talking . As far as they were concerned , they could not have enjoyed each other more if they had been on the Champs - Elysées or dining at a five star restaurant . Being together was all that mattered . Though my mother was nearly 26 and a responsible adult , she still lived at home with her parents , as most young single women did in the 1950s . Moreover , as the daughter of a strict Italian father who loved her fiercely and protectively , she accepted that he was the head of the household and respected his stringent rules . This , however , is not always easy to do , especially when the days have grown long and you are very much in love . " Oh , please , Gil , " she would say most evenings . " Let 's just go once more around the block . " How could he say no to her ? Off they would go , again and again , oblivious to the neighbors watching amusedly from their porches in the sticky Chicago heat , until the street lights on Saint Lawrence Avenue came on and my grandfather would look out the front window . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca , the Schiavon family , or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of one of these families ? If so , share your memories and comments below . So said Fern Waples , my father 's landlady and friend , with her sly smile as she watched him look back longingly at the Chicago antiques gallery where he had met the girl of his dreams on a sunny afternoon in late April , 1954 . My father , Gilbert Huesca , grinned back . He loved nothing more than a good challenge . That morning , he had asked Mrs . Waples to show him where he could buy a Mother 's Day card to send his mother , Catalina ( Perrotin ) Huesca , in Mexico City . Mrs . Waples , a savvy woman who knew all the best places to shop , remembered there was a place , Chatham Galleries , about two blocks from her home . Known chiefly for its European art and antiques , it also carried a nice greeting card selection . She offered to take him there . Mrs . Waples busied herself looking at the antiques while my father wandered around . As he would tell the story years later , a " beautiful young lady " approached him and asked if she could help him . He told her he needed a card for his mother for Mother 's Day . " I want something very special for her , " he said , " with simple but loving words . " She paused thoughtfully and led him to the greeting card display . As she began pulling out cards and making suggestions in a soothing voice , my father nearly forgot why he came in the first place . She was five - foot - four , but she looked much taller in her high heels and slender frame . She moved with the grace of a dancer , looking up often at Gil intuitively as she talked . Her medium brown hair was swept into soft curls that crowned her head , drawing attention to her expressive brown eyes . Her complexion was fair and smooth , and her red lips curled easily upward into a smile that was confident yet sweet and gentle . Her words were crisp and lilting , and to him , they sounded like music . By the time he paid for a card and left , Mrs . Waples , who was already outside and was watching through the window , looked at him knowingly . " You sure took a long time in there , Gil , " she said . My father was breathless . " Fern , I bought a beautiful card . . . but . . . I just love the girl ! " As they walked down Cottage Grove Avenue , my father reflected on his landlady 's words . Maybe she was right about this girl . Then again , he wondered how it was that he could think of nothing else . Alice ( McGinnis ) Schiavon looked up at the handsome young man . " Oh , that would be my daughter Joie , " she said . " She 's at the restaurant * next door . " My father thanked her and went over to the restaurant . There she was , sitting at the lunch counter . My father took a deep breath and approached her . " Joie , do you remember me ? " he asked , trying to sound calmer than he felt . He thought he saw her blush . " Oh , yes , " she said . " You bought the Mother 's Day card with the flowers on it . " She let him take the stool next to her . My father could not believe how easy she was to talk to , and he soon forgot his nervousness as he told her about his home in Mexico City and his experiences in Chicago over the past eight years . She asked to see a photograph of his mother and laughed when he told her about his first weeks in Chicago , when his restaurant meals consisted of only apple pie because that was all he knew how to order in English . He was captivated by her own stories and her sharp wit and her devotion to her parents , and he became intrigued with learning more about this beautiful lady . There was something about her - a sense of goodness and dignity and culture - that appealed to him . Joie - Joan Schiavon - had not forgotten him at all . She was thrilled to see this handsome stranger again and could not believe he had taken the trouble to find her . She had been impressed by his politeness and charmed by his Spanish accent . He seemed different from the other young men she had met until now , and she liked the way he related to others , from the respect he showed the older woman who had accompanied him to the store a few days before to the kind way he talked to the waitress at the lunch counter . And his eyes - how they seemed to see right through her . She wondered if he could read her mind right now . The thought made her blush even more . Before either of them knew it , it was time for Joan to go back to work . My father noticed she had hardly touched her food . He asked if he could see her again . My father was confused . " How old are you ? " he asked . " 25 - but you have to see my parents first . " She smiled back at him , slid off the stool , and went back to work . Gil and Joan 's first date was to the movies to see River of No Return , a romantic Western starring Robert Mitchum and Marilyn Monroe . Though the fictional movie turned out to be far less stellar that its illustrious cast , its title would mark the beginning of a real life love story between two people whose lives would be changed forever . And all this because my father had gone looking for a greeting card and came away with a priceless find in the lady he would soon ask to become his wife . For that I will be forever thankful . Did you know Gilbert or Joan ( Schiavon ) Huesca or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of the Huesca or Waples families ? If so , share your memories and comments below . Some time around 1950 , my father , Gilbert Cayetano Huesca , set out to find a new room to rent in Chicago . He had lived for several years with his good friends , Louis and Theresa Algarin , since arriving in the United States , and he had started his own business , Lakeshore Printing , on Lakeshore Drive in Chicago . We don 't know why he decided to move . Did the large Algarin family need the space for other children or grandchildren ? Or did my father want to be closer to work ? At that time , he did not have a car and had to rely on public transportation , so this would have been a good reason to move . In any case , the Algarins were sad to see him go , but my father 's friendship with them remained strong and endured through two generations . When he saw a sign in a two story home on Chicago 's South Side advertising a room for rent , my father called the number on the sign and arranged with the lady of the house , Fern ( Lawton ) Waples , to view the room . When he arrived , he was impressed by the meticulous cleanliness of the room and the rest of the house , which was quite large . Frank and Fern Waples , dear friends of my father 's , at Being fastidiously clean , my father minced no words but asked Mrs . Waples whether her house was always this clean or had she cleaned up because she knew he was coming ? She was not put off by the remark but proved herself equally picky when it came to renters . " Young man , " she said , " I should be insulted , but instead I can see that we think alike . The room is yours if you want it . " Frank and Fern Waples were about fifteen years older than my father , but they treated him like a son , much as the Algarins had . Frank had worked in various positions , from land appraiser to railway worker to insurance agent . He was an affable man who seemed happiest when he was surrounded by family and friends . He and my father spent hours talking about everything under the sun . He loved nothing better than hosting a large circle of family and friends at the Waples home for summer picnics and celebrations . It was Frank who taught my father the art of the barbecue . Fern was a private school teacher . She was charming and direct . She noticed how much my father missed his family and friends in Mexico and took him under her wing , helping him with his English and coaching him on American culture and customs . She was always encouraging him to meet new people and experience new things . My father recalled that Fern was a stylish dresser who rarely went anywhere without her trademark pearl necklace and earrings . She loved a good sale and was the person you went to when you wanted to know where to find that " something special . " This special knack of hers would one day change my father 's life . From what he told us , the big house was usually bustling with young people - the grown - up Waples children and their friends . The family 's relaxed nature and constant activity made him feel right at home . When he wasn 't playing chess with Frank or testing Fern 's baking , he was taking one of their daughters to the museum or the movies . I was only 6 years old when my father told me that Mrs . Waples , as we knew her , died . It was the first time I knew someone who had passed away . I recall my parents driving with my two sisters and me to the funeral home for the wake . ( I couldn 't figure out why they called it that when we knew she would never wake up . ) The sky was overcast , and a light rain was falling . My father parked a short distance away from the funeral home . He and my mother took turns watching us while the other went inside to pay respects . They were very quiet all the way home . Frank retired some time after that . He moved to San Marcos in Southern California and marred a second time to a lovely lady named Katie . They later moved to Arizona , where he died in 1993 . Did you know Gilbert Huesca or any of the people mentioned in this story ? Are you a member of the Huesca , Waples , or Algarin families ? If so , share your memories and comments below . One of the most stunning pieces in the Chatham collection was the large porcelain plate pictured here . Measuring about 27 inches in diameter , it bore the likeness of an aristocratic lady dressed in vivid hues of burgundy , white , pink and blue , painted on a gold field with raised designs . The plate was signed " Dapoigny " on the bottom and was not dated . The lady on the plate appears to be French . Beyond this , we know nothing of the plate 's provenance . This was one of the articles my grandmother and mother brought back from Europe , though I do not recall hearing where they found it . The " Lady Plate , " as our family called it , hung in Chatham Galleries for a while . Like so many other things , she eventually made her way to my grandparent 's home , where she reigned in splendor for nearly a decade . Before my grandmother died in 1963 , she gave the Lady Plate to my mother , knowing she would always cherish it . My mother at Chatham Galleries , the antiques business she and my The Lady Plate became a special part of our family , and we accorded her the reverence and love as the grande dame she was . She came with us when our family moved down to Mexico City and again a few years later when we moved to California , both times safely cradled in a bundle of blankets on my mother 's lap in the front seat of our yellow 1962 Ford Falcon station wagon . This was no small feat , considering the plate 's size and heaviness . The Mexican roads were not the best , even the modern toll roads . My father did all he could to navigate around bumps and holes in the road , but this was not always possible over the 3 , 000 or so miles we covered . There were no seat belts in those days , so we were jolted back and forth and up and down as the car rounded sharp curves , dodged erratic drivers , or hit the inevitable surprise pothole . Through it all , my mother held tight to her treasured bundle . Thanks to my parents ' diligence and care , the Lady Plate survived without a scratch . She seemed to graciously accept her new place of honor on the living room wall wherever we went , presiding over us with her peaceful countenance . My father , Gilbert Cayetano Huesca , always carefully anchored the Lady Plate to the wall to keep her intact and safe . Despite her vintage , which we guessed to be between 200 - 300 years , she never grew old but remained serenely beautiful , outlasting her many owners , including my grandmother and my mother . She was there for us during the milestones of our lives : our first steps , birthday parties , graduations , marriages . She was there as we faced the loss of our mother to cancer and when we brought our newborn children home to visit their grandfather . She seemed invincible all those years , surviving the jarring 7 . 1 Loma Prieta Earthquake that struck Northern California in 1989 and who knows what other calamities centuries before . Yet like many things of beauty , she could not last forever . Her long life span finally came to an end one afternoon about four years ago . My precious father , by then 92 years old and still strong and independent of body and mind , was deep cleaning his living room when he moved the couch away from the wall . Somehow he must have bumped into the Lady Plate , and she came crashing to the floor . Thank God he was not hurt . Not knowing what had happened , I arrived at his apartment for lunch a short while later and found him sitting at his table with his head in his hands , a large plastic bag containing the pieces of the beloved plate by his side . He was overcome with grief . I think he felt as though he had lost a good friend who had been a part of his life for over fifty years . To him the Lady Plate represented my mother - his wife , the most beautiful and important lady in his life and the owner of his heart . We held each other and cried . It could have happened to any one of us . My dear father , the most careful and meticulous person I have known , was not at fault for the demise of the Lady Plate . Ever mindful of my mother 's love for this prized possession , he had cared for the plate for over two decades as one who had been given a special treasure to guard . Sometimes , though , things happen , no matter how hard we try to prevent them . Perhaps it was simply her time . I have the Lady Plate now , carefully put away in her new form . A large part of her face is still intact , but the rest of the pieces were not so lucky . I just cannot bear to part with her , even in her fragments . Maybe some day I will be able to have someone put her back together so she can resume her place on our own living room wall to lovingly watch over and be cherished by future generations . . As much a lover of a good find as she was of the thrill of the hunt , my grandmother was a familiar face at antique stores and estate and second - hand sales both in Chicago and near the family summer cottage in Big Blue Lake , Michigan . She developed a passion for exquisite European antiques - not the kind one finds in an old farmhouse , but the type one would have in a fine home . She had a large assortment of porcelain , including Dresden , Meissen , Limoges , Sevres , Haviland , Capodimonte , Belleek , among others . My grandmother , Alice Schiavon at left , with her older sister , Benita ( McGinnis ) McCormick , at the grand opening of Chatham Galleries , September 29 , 1951 , Chicago , Illinois . The bronze dog with puppies wasone of the pieces brought back from Europe the year before . It was a favorite piece of my grandmother 's - perhaps this is why it was never sold . Her doll collection already took up considerable space in the family home at 8200 St . Lawrence Avenue . . A November 11 , 1945 article in the Chicago Daily Tribune noted that the dolls took over the entire basement , at one time numbering 3 , 600 . It was no surprise , then , that Alice needed more room to house her treasures . My grandfather , Ralph Schiavon , always supported Alice in her shopping expeditions . He understood that his wife was not content to be home cooking and cleaning but needed to be busy with her collections and projects . So when she suggested opening a gallery , he was happy to help her get started and gave her the funds she needed . He agreed with her that it would be a good opportunity for their daughter , Joan ( my mother ) to spend more time with her in a common endeavor ; moreover , he liked the idea of my mother learning the ins and outs of running a business . My mother 's college friend , Margaret Yu , sent best wishes and hearty encouragement to the mother - daughter team . She recalled that in her own hometown of Hong Kong , the Chinese invited all their friends and family to visit on frequent occasions when they opened a new business . The idea was that when passers - by looked in the store and saw a crowd gathered , they would go inside , too , because they wanted to be part of whatever was going on . This seemed like good advice , and before long family , friends , and even some of my grandfather 's business associates were filling Chatham Galleries during several open house events . Did you know , or are you a member of the Schiavon / Schiavone , Ciliberto , or McCormick families ? Do you remember Chatham Galleries ? If so , share your memories and comments below . |
I stayed home from the office today . I finally started the period . I was about a week late , and it is brutal . I feel gross . After over 20 years of dealing with endometriosis , you would think that the doc , s could do something about the pain , the symptoms , every single month . I spent the day sleeping and reading blogs . I found some heart wrenching stories . Here , and here and here . The thing is the stories are not just your everyday blog . But stories of courage , and sadness and anger . They are good reads . I am watching TV and trying to decide if I have carpal tunnel on my right hand . My wrist has really been hurting a lot . I thought it was getting better , but today it is worse . I need to make a doctors appointment . My wrist my nose , and sinuses which have been bugging me for a month ! I am just worried that she is going to say about my blood pressure . january 30 , 2005 I thought I would get one last post in before the end of the month , just in case I don 't get around to posting tomorrow . I think I have said more this month than ever have before . I was thinking that I would like categorize my entries by subject based on the title , and then link them . But since I use Fr0ntpage I think it would be a lot of work . There must be some package out their that will do it more easily . My problem is that I don 't want to use some blog host . . I like having my own domain and web host , and not being the mercy of Bl0gger or some other service . If anyone has any ideas I would be very open to them . I also need to clean up all my old pages . There are a lot of broken links and stuff . But if I am going to do that I am going to redo the whole site again . january 27 , 2005 I had horrible dreams last night . I dreamt that I was going on a trip , I came home to get packed . It was the home my sis and I grew up in , my mom and grandma was there . I was going water skiing with an old boyfriend . I went into my bedroom , that I shared with my sister and she had given away all of my clothes , or almost all of them . All my underwear and bathing suits , nothing was left that fit me . I didn 't want to buy anything until I lost weight , and everyone was waiting for me to get on the road . I think one of the things that were so frustrating is my sister didn 't care , she was high or something , and kept acting like oh well , big deal . I tried to get my mom involved but she was not going to do anything except pray . When I went out side had put up a big sign in the front yard with hands praying on it . I immediately began to destroy the sign , breaking it apart . I woke up angry , and yelling . I think the dream is interpreted as resentment towards my sister for what she did . She died and left me to take care of her kids . She took away my wonderful carefree life , living in Tahoe , and brutally landed me into a nightmare of learning how to parent , legal battles with lying grandparents , and little support from my dysfunctional family . I suppose if she had died in an accident or from a terminal illness the deep seated resentment might not resurface , but I personally think she died because she was really stupid . I think she inadvertently killed herself . The coroners report said she had some heart valve thing happening , but that was after a long conversation with my mother who probably talked him out of the real cause of death . Suicide would hang over her children 's lives forever . Her blood alcohol was high , very high , but according to the coroner not lethal . What about all the medications in her system . Oh and by the way these were prescription medications , that her fucking neurologist prescribed by the boatloads even after I told him I thought she had an addictive personality . The summer before she died she was idiscuss ! Well it is official . Hubby 's plant is being relocated to Arizona . The plant here in So . California will close on 10 / 31 / 05 , with the reopen date of 12 / 31 / 05 in Arizona . This means we will probably move , but not until after Jake graduates in June of ' 06 . About a year and a half from now . There is a possibility of hubby looking for a another position , and us staying here . But we are not sure if he can find something of the same caliber . My career is finally solidifying . Tonight my reclassification to Director of the department is being reviewed , if approved it will go to C1ty C0uncil on Feb 7 and I will have the job and the title ! As many of you may not know , I have been working as the Interim for almost two years . Doing the work with out the title or pay . I am not going to stress yet . I really am not sure I want to move to " HOT " Arizona , it would be near Phoenix , not somewhere with seasons like Flagstaff . I could deal with that quite nicely . But there are miles to gl before we sleep , oops I mean move . Here is a picture of Freddie . One of my two hatchet fish . I personally think he is very cute ! His friend Jason is around , and they sometimes hang out together . Here is my Jacques . The one with the lips . Now look closely and you will see what I mean . He just needs some lipstick , oh and maybe a girls name . Ok enough with the fish already . I am concerned that I didn 't start my period . I know I can 't be pregnant ( I think ) . I am worried that I am peri - menopausal . How appropriate to skip your first period on the day which you are supposed to start which is also your 45th birthday . Gee , maybe God is trying to tell me that I am getting up there . Why is it that this family cannot go for a week without more problems and drama . So of course I have to unload . I have talked about my mom some . She and I have a difficult relationship . I had been doing grocery shopping for her on a semi regular basis , and when Candice got her car Candice started doing it for her . It worked out well . I didn 't have to interact with my mom to often , Candice did a good deed . So Candice has been taking car of this since early November . I have told her not to take a dime from my mom , as she is very strapped for money , and lives on practically nothing due to the fact her house is paid off . I also hate just handing mom cash , so this is a good way to deal with it . I pay for all her groceries . Candice brings me the receipt and , I write Candice a check . So today mom calls to wish me a happy birthday . It is my birthday . And I talk to her about how Candice is working another job a couple of days a week , doing some babysitting . So mom and I were trying to figure out if Nat could do her grocery shopping , since Candice is now working on Wednesday , mom 's normal shopping day . I mention something about paying for the groceries , and my mom says no I pay for my groceries . So after a bit of discussion it turns out my mom pays Candice for the groceries , and gives her gas money . Then Candice brings me the receipt and I pay her for the groceries again . About $ 430 . 00 worth . I will be sending my mom a reimbursement and get the money out of my damn daughter , if I don 't kill her first . My poor mom was so upset that this had happened . She couldn 't believe it . I was less shocked , but extremely upset that my daughter had not just stolen , but stolen from someone who has nothing . literally nothing . I told her she was scum , and she better pay me back . Happy birthday to me So there was a change of plans , we couldn 't get a reservation here . So we ended up here . It was yummy . Hubby eats there often in various cities while he travels , but I had never been . I had 2 martini 's lobster appetizer , rib eye steak , spinach with mushrooms , and this potato pancake ala hash brown to die for . We shared everything but the steak , hubby had a porterhouse . We also took a wonderful bottle of 1996 Stags Leap Cabernet that I got for my 40th birthday . We had this great idea to play barber shop when we got home ( I will leave that to you imagination ) , however I promptly passed out , while hubby put the leftovers in the fridge , and told the kids that they were mine and not to eat them . Oh , I almost forgot the New York Cheesecake . This morning we had pancakes . I found 8 new fish in my tank and some live plants . The fish are Splendid rainbow , and Australian rainbows . They are very nice , 2 females and 2 males of each species . The males are very colorful , and the females are boring . I like them , but they would not have been ones that I would have picked . I love my kids , and appreciate their getting me something that I love , but I really wanted to pick my own fish , and it turns out that over half the fish in the tank were selected by them . So I have some nice fish . I guess I need to try and relate this too them , because I will be getting another tank as soon as the bathroom is finished . There will be some perfect new counter space for a 20 or so gallon tank . january 22 , 2005 Hubby is taking me to dinner tonight here . I have been feeling so fat and frumpy lately that I went to N0rdstroms to see if I could find something " fun " to wear . I had a gift certificate left from Christmas , and it was longing to be spent . So I bought a pair of DNKY jeans size 10 long . I refuse to buy a size 12 again ! A cute top , it is cut like a blouse but is is that crinkly fabric , it is black and white and I think I will wear it with some black pants I have . I also bought another T - shirt type top that has a bunch of writing and rhinestones and sequins around the neck , which is scoop . It will look cute with jeans and Black high heels . I also bought a sweater that was on sale . V neck , with an argyle pattern on it . I hate to say it but it is the only item that is really me . All the others , including the jeans are my wanna be styling self . Hopefully hubby will appreciate the effort to not look frumpy and boring . My sister used to tell me how boring I was when it came to clothes . She had some flair , and would wear things I would never even consider wearing . She had a very different sense of style . I picked up my prescription sunglasses . OMG , it is so wonderful too see in the car , and look down and be able to see the numbers on my cell phone ! I can 't wait until we go skiing , I will actually be able to read a trial map . Hubby is going to make me a lemon cake . He is searching the web for a recipe , and I found this one and it sounds easy , so I suggested it . Cake mixes are fine . I have no problem with them , especially when the are fruffed up a bit . It has been extremely cold in the east and midwest . I know that below zero temperatures are everywhere , so I will apologize in advance for my whine . I really do not like southern California weather . I so miss the seasons , when I was in Tahoe I loved the winters , granted we rarely went below 0 during the day . But we did get lots of snow . Ok nuff said , I just hate it when I go out with a long sleeve T Shirt and am hot ! I read yesterday 's entry this morning , and saw all the typos ! It was because I was writing it lying down on the couch watching TV with minimal lighting in the family room , eating cheese popcorn and drinking grey goose and tonic . I will correct them . So the Nat came into my office yesterday on the way home from school to apologize and ask for forgiveness . We talked ; she has a therapy appointment today . I told her that she might need to up her medication for depression . She is going to discuss the situation . I told her she has to live by our rules , and she agreed . We will see how things go . OK I watched the American Idol debut . I really like this show even though it is still really hoockey ! I also know that a man will be put to death at midnight tonight . I guess California has reinstated the death penalty , but they enforce it so rarely that no one really realizes when it is used . I suppose I have an opinion , but I hope you don 't judge me on it . I used to believe in the death penalty , an eye for an eye , but I don 't feel that way any more . I feel that only God can take a life . It is not our role it is the lords . january 17 , 2005 Nat just walked in and announced she was going out to lunch with her friend . I told her she was on restriction and she needed to go on Friday . She said , no to bad . What can I do ? So I am hanging out at home , thanks to MLK . I registered Jake for the SAT and for the prep course by Kaplan . It is quite expensive , but he really needs the prep . I also made sure he would commit to the hard work . The classes are Saturday and Sunday afternoons , every weekend between 1 / 22 and 3 / 6 . He will then take his first SAT the following weekend . Just one more kid to get into college and I am done , sort of . After yesterday I was really tired , all that emotional energy being used , not just with Nat but with the Uncle too . The girls are both still in bed , its noon . I made them get up at 10 : 00 to pick up their rooms , as the cleaning lady is here and I hate it that she can 't even vacuum their room because it is covered in clothes and junk . I want to go somewhere , the mall , the bookstore , to get a coffee . But I also just want to lie down and pretend yesterday didn 't happen . I wish hubby was not out of town for so long . This week is going to be rough . I am sure that miss smarty - pants , Nat , will mouth off . She already did once . I asked if the two girls could help schlep Jake back and forth to the SAT prep course and she said , " I can 't drive . " Well that is because she can 't drive anywhere until Friday . Although I may just have to let her have the car Tuesday and Thursday to get to school , so I don 't have to come home from work to take her . The dogs are hanging out with me , one on each side . The cat wanted to jump up too , but there was no room . At least my furry friends are here for me . I almost forgot . On Friday I went to the doctor to get a new glasses prescription . Old age is indeed creeping up on me ! Anyhow I have new reading glasses , I hated the old ones I had . The frames were supposed to be trendy but they really looked geeky on me . So I also had new bifocals made , and for the first time ever prescription sunglasses ! I am so excited now I can actually read a trail map while I am skiing . They are special order so I wont have them for another week or so . january 16 , 2005 Today sucked , and it is only 4 : 00 in the afternoon . This morning , I made a lovely banana pecan pancake and fried ham for the birthday bitch . Yes , that 's right . My now 20 year old is officially a b * tch . After breakfast her sweet boyfriend came and asked to talk to us . He told us that he was leaving and probably wouldn 't be coming back , he also told us our dear daughter had pot brownies under her bed . Oh crap . So I promptly went and found them and put them down the garbage disposal . Pretty brownies with flecks of green in the frosting . Hmmmm . Hubby spoke to boyfriend , and tried to console him . He doesn 't agree with the way she takes care of herself after going through the transplant , and he can 't handle it . So he told us about the pot . He did it because he cares about her and doesn 't want her to hurt herself . The sweet boyfriend left . Hubby and I went to talk to Nat . Ok , so she is on restriction until Friday . No going out of the house , except for school . Hubby left for a business trip until Friday , and I cannot deal with her being out and not knowing where she is and what she is doing . Thus the restrictions . She wanted to leave , and said she was going to her great uncles ( my uncle ) . She lived with him for a year during her senior year of high school . She had gotten so rebellious , and would not take care of herself that she needed to leave . I called Uncle and told him about what happened and asked him to please do not let her come and stay there . It would just undermine me . He then proceeded to drag up the past 5 years . Oh god . Uncle did not agree with the way we would discipline the kids . He also believed everything they told him , even if it was a lie . Because of this our relationship has been very strained for about 2 years . Once I grounded Nat from a dance , and he called me on the phone and screamed at me , that she was going to the dance , that I was going to let her go to the dance . Then he would go into tirades about how we were disciplining the kids . He is a little off . He is gay and on antidepressants , and is an artist . So you all get the picture . He also believed Nat when she told him that hubby had choked her . Just not true . So any how he chooses this phone call to have a discussion about how I blamed him for different things , and wanted to know if he was still part of our family . It was not a pleasant conversation . He also told me that if I would ask him to walk me down the aisle now , he would run the other way . He gave me away at my wedding , since my father is gone . That really hurt a lot . He compared me to my mother , which also hurt a lot . I had distanced myself from him because I could not deal with some of the things he said to hubby about all of this , and I could not understand why he couldn 't just let us raise the children . I think he felt as if he needed to be part of the decision process when it came to discipline and things . I discussed this with both of her siblings , and they both think that everything is fair . Boyfriend did the right thing , even though finking out someone is not easy , and the punishment rendered was not excessive . She just can 't stay her anymore if this keeps up . I can 't deal with it . I can 't be worried about her diabetes and other health issues constantly . Especially if she is making stupid decisions . Calgon take me away … . . Tomorrow Nat turns 20 . It is hard to believe . She came to live with me just a week before her 11th birthday . Time really fly 's . I am going to make her favorite chicken paprikash , and cucumber salad tonight . I also baked a cake yesterday , and found polka dot candles ! Most of her friends are away at school , or working on a Saturday night . So , if she makes up with her boyfriend , it will be just us . Young love , it is not easy . It is not easy when you get older either . I have my hair appointment this afternoon . I had postponed it because of the jury duty fiasco . I am relieved that I was able to get something this soon , you know what happens when you miss your 5 week appointment ! I have some new fish . Nat and her boyfriend brought me about 10 days ago . 2 rather large ones , a kribensis of some type and a flag prochilodus , 5 Columbian tetra 's ( aka the medallian cartel ) , and a fiddler crab . I think it shocked the tank , I found Philippe ( the kribensis ) dead on Tuesday . I supposed I should not have named him that , as it quite possibly doomed him to certain death . On the other hand , Jacques ( flag prochilodus ) is doing fine . And the medallian cartel is also great . I did a water change after Philippe 's death , as the ammonia levels were quite high . The fiddler crab , coo pele , will probably have to go live with a friend of mine in her turtle tank . Crabs need to be able to crawl out and dry off , and he can 't in my tank . She has a nice turtle tank that will be comfy for him . Now I just have to find the little bugger . He shows his claw occasionally , but loves to hide . I need to post a picture of Jacques , he has lips . Yes , lips . He goes around in the tank mouthing everything , looking for algae I think . And when he does this it looks like a humans mouth instead of a fish . Not sure if I can capture the lip thing on film , but trust me he has lips . january 13 , 2005 The rain finally stopped . In case you have not been following California weather , it had been raining for almost 2 weeks . I really like the rain , but with what happened in a little seaside village of Los Conchita , it made me want the rain to stop . So they could find the missing people buried in the mud . It was very sad . A man lost his wife and 3 o his daughters when he went out to buy ice cream , the hillside slid , and then they were gone . I have to take hubby this afternoon to have a colonoscopy . This is not a procedure I would like to have done ! They have to sedate him , so I will need to drive him home . I am nervous for him , but more nervous of the possible results . january 8 , 2005 On Tuesday I drove into downtown Los Angeles in the pouring rain to Superior court to report for my civic duty . Yes folks , I had a jury summons . Not just any summons , but one that had been postponed twice , and thus meant I had to show . It was boring . I sat around , read , ate junk food , read some more , and of course watched the clock . We would be dismissed at 4 : 00 . If I don 't get selected , I am done ! 3 : 30 rolls around . I am sure I have lucked out . I start packing up my things , eat my last hostess chocolate covered donut . An announcement . A panel is needed in Civil court in the Building a few blocks away . I am not worried , there are lots of people in the room . People reading , snoring , eating , talking on cell phones , you know lots of people . I get called . yes , I have to report the next morning to the other Courthouse . This area of Los Angeles is full of courthouses , that need to be full of jurors . So I report , and the process starts . The first day so many jurors were dismissed for hardship , that they had to call more to have enough in the panel to select 12 from . I guess I should have said something about my hair appointment on Friday , that I couldn 't miss it because the gray would start to show , and I couldn 't possibly be able to render a verdict if I wasn 't feeling pretty ! But it didn 't feel quite right , most of the people who were dismissed had a financial hardship . Their employer did not pay for their service , well my employer pays for my service , but NOT MY HAIR APPOINTMENT ! And if I don 't give 24 hour notice , she gets pretty upset with me . You know how these women are , they don 't get paid for jury service either ! After Wednesday the lawyers still had not finished questioning the jury , so everyone had to come back the next day . The judge promised that a jury would be selected by noon Thursday . Cool , I thought I will be out of there and have an afternoon at the office , and be able to make my hair appointment on Friday . Thursday , a jury is selected by noon . What a relief . I however am juror number 9 . Like the Beatles song , number 9 , number 9 , number 9 , number 9 . Today is my last day of holiday vacation . We had today off for New Years . I also got a call to jury duty , but I didn 't need to report today . I hope I don 't have to report at all . The weather has been rainy and people in LA can 't drive in the rain , they act like we are in a winter storm ! I think I will go shopping . Yesterday was the ninth anniversary of my sisters death . I remember it so well . I had taken Hubby ( before he was hubby ) to the airport in Reno , I came home and that night my mom called me and told me she was dead . I didn 't believe her . I told her she was wrong . I told her she was drunk and had passed out . But mom told me to call her house , I did and the police answered and confirmed that she was gone . Thank god her children were not at home , the were with the bad grandparents . She had been there a while , several hours . She was found by a neighbor . january 1 , 2005 I had a fight with hubby last night . We had gone to a friends house nearby to see their new puppy . She had asked us to come over for some wine and appetizers . So we did . We had to be back at the house by 7 : 00 , because Jake 's friends were arriving and I had to put the lasagna in the oven for all the boys . So I drank 3 glasses , actually small glasses of wine , and ate some mushroom turnovers . We left at 7 : 00 , got home and I made Nacho 's for the boys while the lasagna cooked . Made a salad and garlic bread and poured a glass of Champagne , then went up to my hubby to hug him and give him a kiss . I put my arms around him , and he looked at me and said you 're drunk ! I was shocked . I told him " you deal with the boys " , and I went to bed . It was 8 : 30 . Ok so I know that he can 't deal with me when I drink to much . He says he can 't relate to me . But for god 's sake , it was New Years Eve . I guess , actually I don 't know what I guess . I was upset at Nat , she had a fight with her boyfriend . She was taking off , angry . I worry about her driving , and crying and all that other stuff . Her sister and friends had got a hotel room , which was smart . But Nat wanted to go with her , I was not ok with it at all . I would have felt better if her boyfriend was going with her . Well he didn 't want to , so they were fighting about it too . I told her relationships are about compromise . This all happened before we went for drinks . I asked her not to leave before we got back so we could talk . When we got back she was ready to leave for her boyfriends , I was upset that she would not tell me where she would be , and I try to make sure she had all her meds etc . She kept mouthing off at me , so I slapped her . Bad scene . Hubby says I need to let go . I need to let them be adults . I agree , but as long as she in under our roof , and I worry about them , I think there should be some guidelines . I feel bad about the whole thing . But I also feel like we are being used a bit . The girls are spoiled . It 's my fault . Now I am sitting here New years day wondering where they are and if they are safe . My own fault I guess . I feel like I need to hit the Champagne again . Hope every one had a nicer New Years Eve than I did . Advertisements |
Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . They couldn 't still be asleep could they . Melanie thought . She stood in the kitchen looking out the window at the Stein 's fifth - wheel parked in the driveway . She smelled Mitchel 's cologne before his strong hands began kneading her shoulders . " Is it strange for them to not have come in ? " She had spent so much time at the hospital with her mother since they arrived that she had hardly seen her best friend or her family over the past month . " Only because you are here and I would have thought Holly would want to see you , and Pauline and Thomas would want to talk with Jennifer , " Mitchel said . He pulled open the fridge and set the strawberry jam on the counter . " Apricot too , Mom likes it . " She set the loaf of bread , she 'd been holding , on the counter and slid the drawer open . Her fingers found a butter knife as her eyes held onto her best friend in the trailer outside . They had come out and met them when they first arrived home so it wasn 't like Holly didn 't know she was there . Nor was it like Holly to stay inside such a cramped space . Her personality alone would cause the thing to burst . " I 'm going to go out there after lunch and see what they 're up to . " Mitchel shrugged and began spreading peanut butter on half of the bread she had laid out on the counter . Sam usually helped her make lunch , but she was sleeping . The pain medication the hospital had given her , made her sleep quite a bit , which was good since her arm hurt so much . The doctor put Sam 's armMelanie stayed close to her mom while she shuffled to the bathroom . Jennifer was getting stronger , but climbing up and down stairs and getting up were still painful . " I 'll help you change your bandages after you eat , " Melanie said as she waited outside the bathroom door . Jennifer called to Melanie to come help her off the toilet . " I am glad to be out of the hospital . I 've slept so much better since leaving . " Melanie thought that was interesting since the hospital was a safe zone and all firearms were disabled by the RFID 's when you were within one hundred feet of the building . Then again , there were always people like Dr . Alyson Binkard . Melanie shook the thoughts from her head . They needed to get to the safe zone . Karalynn came into the room and Melanie left allowing them to visit and do needlework . Her mother had taken to it at the hospital at Karalynn 's suggestion . Jennifer and Karalynn had been best friends since college and even though they didn 't see each other often , it always seemed like they had . She 'd change her mother 's bandages later . She bounced down the stairs and plopped into a chair across from Mitchel at the kitchen table . She dumped some of the BBQ chips out on her plate . " How 's mom ? " he asked . " Cross stitching and girl talk . " He smiled . " Do you think Holly is mad at me ? " He cocked his head to one side . " Why would she be mad at you ? You haven 't been here to do anything to make her mad . " Melanie raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips . " Oh , you think she 's mad because you haven 't been around ? That 's ridiculous " " It is Holly . " She took another bite of her PB & J . Holly had messaged her and tried to facetime with her on the ipad while she was at the hospital with her mom , but Melanie hadn 't felt much like talking to her bubbly best friend . Yeah , Holly was probably mad at her . " Nothing a little girl talk and nail polish can 't fix , " Mitchel said . " I 'll go out there with you after we eat . " Melanie and Mitchel pulled on their holsters and made sure their guns were loaded before opening the front door . Mitchel waved to the guards in the front yard who gave him the all clear signal . Still Mitchel kept Melanie behind him as they walked over to the Stein 's fifth - wheel trailer . He knocked on the door . " I haven 't seen them since Melanie and Jennifer came home , " called Erik , the lead security guard . Mitchel knocked again . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Minutes passed while Melanie and Mitchel clung to one another . They had no idea how long . The sun was cutting through the slit between the block out curtains . They heard a light knock on the door . They didn 't move . The knock came again but loud and sharp . Mitchel let go of Melanie . His eyes met hers . She still had his shirt clutched in her fingers . He brushed her hair back from her face and she let go . She stood with all her weight resting on her left as he walked closer to the door . " Then you should have a key , " Mitchel said . He drew his gun and Melanie did the same . It was cold as always in Melanie 's hand as she raised it aiming about head height at the door . There was a beep as the person slid the key card through the slot . The door opened slowly . " Got it , " said the man as the door opened to reveal his face . Both his facial features and his body were a chiseled boulder . His rifle was in his hands but pointed at the ground . He held up one hand letting the gun lower even more in his other . " I 'm Captain Jackson . I understand you entered the room down the hall . Mind if I come in and talk with you about that ? " Melanie lowered her gun and shook her head . Her shoulders slumped and she thought she was going to crumble to the ground again , but Mitchel was there beside her . He helped her slide up onto the bed . " I 've already spoken with Jennifer and Sam . I 've got Seth holed up in his room with guards on the door . I 'll be speaking with him next . So , I want you two to tell me what 's going on here ? " Mitchel turned back to Captain Jackson . " We arrived in town yesterday evening . We went to the safe zone but Sargent McCall told us we needed to wait 24 hours so he could do the background checks . He suggested we stay here because of the security provisions you have . We came here , got rooms , and went to sleep . Melanie and I awoke to screaming and ran down the hall . You know what we found there . " " Originally ? Blue River , Colorado . But most recently Ogden , Utah . We 've had problems with my mom 's van and my mom was shot in Denver so , it 's taken us a really long time to get here . I 'm not even sure how long at this point , " Melanie said . She stared at her hands resting in her lap . She didn 't want to look at him . She was afraid he would see she knew or at least suspected more than what she was saying . Mitchel stood and paced between the end of the bed and the bathroom . " I 'm not sure what you 're implying here Captain Jackson . Can you just be straight with us ? " Jackson 's brown eyes studied them . Melanie could feel his eyes on her , even though she wouldn 't look up at him . His hesitation made Melanie think he was considering his words carefully . Her mom probably said something about the trail of bodies following them all along their route and the similarities in the way they were found . Her mom wasn 't stupid , but sometimes she didn 't see what was right in front of her , especially if it was bad . And this was real bad . Captain Jackson took a deep breath through his nose . " Alright , Mitchel , let me be straight with you . Melanie 's mom , Jennifer , showed me on a map the route you have taken from Blue River to here . I 've got a few friends here and there . One such friend called me up a few days before you arrived and told me about a mutilated body that turned up in his area . So , before coming in here to talk with you two , I made a few more calls to Homeland Security along your route . Guess what I found ? " Melanie lifted her eyes and fought back tears . He was going to contact Sargent McCall and tell him everything . They would never get into the safe zone . They would never be safe . Melanie 's chest began to contract . Her heart was crashing against the inside of her ribcage . Her thoughts continued to consider the possibilities of not getting in , of not being safe . Never safe . She couldn 't breathe . Melanie 's world began to blur and rotate . Mitchel 's hand rested on her back . He was speaking to her , but she couldn 't make out the muffled words . Then they became clear . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . The sun was setting as they pulled up to the fifteen - foot barbed wire fence surrounding the safe zone . A ten - foot cinder block wall was fifteen feet inside the fence line . Military men wearing green camouflage and carrying light machine guns or LMGs patrolled in and outside the fence line . Cinderblock towers sat along the wall every fifty feet with gatling guns peering over the edge of each huge spotlights making the area look like noon . The mile surrounding the fence was scorched leaving blackened patches of what Melanie could only assume had been brush of some type . The trees had been felled and their stumps dotted the clearing . Melanie 's stomach clenched at the sight of piles of ash surrounding the burn skeletons of homes . Their small caravan was crawling along the road . One of the soldiers held up his hand and six of them held their guns at the ready while two approached by a few feet . " I need you to all exit the vehicles , " the one nearest the truck called out . " We 'll need to scan your safe chips and research your back ground . It takes 24 hours . You can stay in the city and return tomorrow at this time . " The soldier who had been speaking to them had sandy blonde hair . His high cheekbones and narrow nose were stern and no nonsense . His grey eyes locked with Melanie 's as he patted her down and then moved on to Mitchel . Melanie assumed the others were experiencing the same thing behind her . " On the outskirts of the city . There 's a Little America , which has guards . It 's a little expensive , but when you 're talking lives , it 's reasonable , " Sargent McCall said . He scanned each of their wrists . The scanner beeped each time he found their SAFE chip . She watched intently as he scanned Seth . There was no way he would pass . How could he ? He had killed so many on their way here . Please don 't beep . Please don 't pass the background check . They found the hotel without much difficulty . Men clad in black holding the usual AK - 47s patrolled the building . They stopped them and asked their purpose . Melanie explained they just needed rooms for the night because they were waiting to get into the safe zone . Mitchel ran inside to get rooms for them . Melanie couldn 't stop moving her eyes over the dark streets despite the guards . Guards hadn 't saved Holly . Mitchel scanned the card to his and Melanie 's room and propped the door open with his foot . Melanie hobbled into the room . Mitchel set their stuff down and then checked everywhere to make sure the room was empty . Melanie turned on the small lamp and sat on the edge of the bed . Mitchel came over to her and took off her shoes and socks . She un buttoned her pants and he pulled those off too . She took ahold of the top of his pants and pulled him toward her as he pulled his shirt over his head . Screaming down the hall ripped them out of their sleep . They both bolted out the door guns in their hands . Melanie saw her mom peeking out her door . A house cleaner stood screaming with her hands over her face . The door before her swung opened . Mitchel stopped with his back to the wall right before the doorway . Melanie and Seth caught up to him . Mitchel threw a quick glance around the doorframe . Melanie sank to the floor . Her ankle shooting pain up her leg and her legs failing her . Mitchel picked her up and left the room . He set her on her feet when they reached their room and he had shut the door . " Everywhere we go , disemboweled bodies follow , " Mitchel said . He took Melanie in his arms and rested his chin on her head . She wondered if he had figured it out and could accept that his twin was a killer . What he would do about it ? Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie caught Mitchel looking at her and smiling as they drove down the empty highway toward Oregon . Northern Idaho was vastly different from the desert south , which she was glad for . She missed the mountain valley she had spent most of her life in the pine and earth scents in the air , the gentle crashing of the rivers , and the sentinel pines and aspens . She closed her eyes and was there once again hand in hand with Mitchel as they hiked their favorite trail up to a bald rocky peak . They 'd look down on the valley trying to find the small buildings scattered among the trees . He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she snuggled into him . She didn 't usually sit in the " girlfriend " seat , preferring to rest her arm out the window to feel the rush of wind through her fingers . But ever since she had told Mitchel about the baby , he kept her closer . The baby was untimely , but it would be cherished and loved by both of them nonetheless . They had talked about children , of course , as they had made their future plans with one another during the last year . Mitchel was going to wait for her to finish her senior year of high school and they would both go to the University of Denver . She was going to study veterinary medicine and he was going to study English and writing , so he could teach and write novels . At first she had laughed because his broad muscular shoulders and rough hands just didn 't seem to fit with such things , but it 's what he wanted so she supported him . She squeezed her teeth and eyes shut . That was all gone . Now they lived in a world of suspicion and death . And now they were going to raise a child in among that instead of the rivers and forest . She pulled a long breath in through her nose filling her lungs . The air here was filled with wet leaves and earth . " I don 't know . " He kissed her on her head . " What about waiting until we reach the safe zone ? Then she wouldn 't be as concerned about having a doctor around or you being safe . I think I worry about that enough for everyone . " The thought of Seth twisted her stomach into a tangled slinky . Would he cradle the baby in his arms and read children 's stories as he did with Sam ? Would she allow him to do it ? She took another deep breath . Her stomach growled audibly . " I guess so . " She sat up and turned to look out the back window at her mother 's van following . Although she couldn 't see Seth 's car behind the van , she knew it was there . Everyday she wished he would pull off on a side road and disappear from their lives , but each time they pulled off the road , he was there . Melanie turned back around with the grinding and pinging of the tires on a dirt road . She pulled her hair up into a ponytail and twisted the hair tie from her wrist around it . Once the truck stopped and the dust from Seth cleared , she slid to the ground . The edge of her right foot landed on a rock and rolled outward . Her hands went out to stop her crashing into the ground . " Ouch , god damn it . " Melanie looked up at Seth . " Thanks . " Seth just grinned . She tried to back away from him , but her ankle wouldn 't hold her weight and she began to crumble to the ground . This time , it was Mitchel who caught her . Melanie looked over her shoulder at him . He was still smiling . Does he know that I know , she wondered . She turned away as Mitchel bent and scooped her up into his arms . He turned walking to the grey picnic table . " I 'm fine , mom . Can you bring me some ice and an ace wrap or something ? " Melanie said . Mitchel set her on the hard plastic table . Melanie snatched the flesh colored wrap from her mom and began wrapping the ice to her ankle . " The safe zone is only one day away . We can wait until we get there . I won 't be doing much walking anyway . " Mitchel and Jennifer glanced at each other . " She 's right , " Mitchel said . " We should be there before nightfall . It 's just twenty miles northeast of Portland . " Melanie 's mom pressed her lips together turning them a pale pink . " You 're right , but let 's get there as fast as we can . Maybe she can see a doctor tonight . " Melanie had rolled her ankle many times running . She wanted to tell her mom they couldn 't do anything but , ice and wrap it . She decided not to aggravate the situation . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . How long had it been , Melanie thought . She had been so preoccupied with figuring out who the butcher was that she had scarcely thought of herself . Now that she and Ryan had figured it out , it was another life filling her thoughts . Was it in Denver that she last had her period ? She rolls the memories around in her head . No , it was in Blue River . It had been two and a half months . The yellow hills nearly empty of green surrounded them as she and Mitchel sat on the tailgate of his truck . She took bite of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich . She yawned and Mitchel rubbed her back . She thought the tiredness was from staying up late around the fire with Ryan , but it had begun before that . Maybe , it was the stress they were all under . It wasn 't as if life had been easy these past few months . She took another bite of her sandwich . How long had it been since she and Mitchel had been together ? Their frolic in the river . That was just two weeks ago . It must have happened before then . She loved Mitchel . She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him . And now that she knew for certain it was not him who cut up her best friend and her family , she loved him even more . She nodded . " I slept better last night too . " That was true , since she didn 't get up to talk with Ryan . Ryan was miles and miles behind them now . Two days had quelled her anger with him . She didn 't count on him choosing his father over so many other lives . She had judged him wrong . In the past he had probably been the knight of justice slaying the evil doers of the land to protect those who couldn 't protect themselves , but the meaning of the word Justice was corrupted . Ryan gave them a small tent to sleep in and some warm sleeping bags . The van was too packed with their belongings for all of them to sleep in there . Melanie had seen to it that only her mom and Sam would fit forcing Seth to sleep in his car or in Mitchel 's truck . Melanie was hoping the door of the truck or car closing would let them know Seth was up . She hadn 't decided whether or not she should tell Mitchel , at least about Seth . She knew she had to tell him about the baby . She just didn 't want to do that anywhere near anyone else . She wanted it to be their secret . She wanted to have something for only them . Melanie pulled the sliding door open on the opposite side of the van just as her mother closed up her side . Melanie couldn 't watch without images of chopped up friends . Her whole body clenched with each thwak of the blade into the wood . Some morbid part of her demanded she look at him . It wanted to know if he enjoyed the swinging of the steel . She pulled out the camp chairs and then began riffling through the duffle bags full of clothing to find sleeping bags . She shook her head , how did they manage to get buried under everything . She jumped as Mitchel grabbed her from behind . He brushed her hair aside and kissed her on the back of her neck . She relaxed in his arms . " I miss you , " he whispered . " Don 't tease me now , it 's just not nice . " He swiped and darted for her as she twisted out of his reach , but he caught ahold of her anyway . He knew all her tricks . She pulled just a little as he reeled her in kissing her much deeper than before . Mitchel and Melanie turned . He was standing at the rear of the van , a foxes grin on his face . Melanie tensed and wondered how long he had been there . Mitchel ran his hands up and down her arms . Melanie spun around . Her mom was standing behind her . " I made your favorite , well , warmed it up anyway . Pizza is really hard to cook over a fire . " Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie 's sleep was fitful to the point where neither she nor Mitchel slept much . He spent much of the night stroking her hair while she listened to the gentle da - doom of his heart . " Yes . " As the words left her lips , she knew she wasn 't . In some ways she agreed with Seth at least about planting themselves here at the wooded edge of Ogden , Utah . " No , No , I 'm really not . " His lips smiled , but his eyes said something very different . Not fear , but uncertainty . Not now Mitchel , she thought , I need you to be strong . I need you to be certain we are trundling in the right direction . " The safe zone is the right thing to do , " he said . They slipped out of the door for their last breakfast with Zachariah and Ryan . She fluttered her eyes against the intensity of the early rising sun . Melanie pulled her hoodie over her head . Her arms wandered until they found their tunnels . Mitchel took her hand as the gravel pressed into the soles of their feet . She needed new shoes again , but there was no way they were all going to play Old Maid with their lives . Sizzling potatoes greeted them as they pushed open the solid wood door . Zachariah sat at the table turning the catchup bottle a quarter turn , around and around . His eyes fixed , but his thoughts in another land . He didn 't look up when they slumped into their chairs . Her stomach capsized . How could he abandon them ? She clenched the lids of her eyes together . She let go of him and nodded her head . She would have made the same decision were it her on his side of the gate . Jennifer slid open the side door of the van . Sam and Daisy sprang in . " Bye . See you later , " Sam little hand waved side to side like the pendulum of a tolling grandfather clock . She pulled herself into Mitchel 's pickup truck and leaned her elbow out the window . Mitchel was already waiting inside . He turned the key over and part of her wished it wouldn 't start , but it did . She threw the door open and dropped to the ground bent double . Mitchel was at her side his hand resting on her back . She spit the remains of egg and hash browns from her mouth and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders and nudged a log in the fire . Tendrils of smoke wove among the slender trunks of the aspens . The trees looked bare , but for the stars the blotted out . Their leaves rustled . Melanie could understand why Ryan and Zachariah stayed here , It was beautiful . It was far enough from the city that they didn 't get caught up in the warzone , but close enough for Ryan to continue his work . Melanie could hardly remember the time before the war . It was hidden by all the death and destruction that has come after . She was two when " The war to end all wars , " started . That 's what they wanted it to be anyway , but things don 't always turn out as we plan . It didn 't get bad in the US until a few years later after . The economy had been in shambles before the war and the war did the same to what remained as it did to the human lives involved . Melanie glanced around for a stick . It was these little gestures and small kindnesses that made this new world survivable . Her fingers gently tugged two soft marshmallows free from the plastic bag . She shoved one in her mouth and the other on the stick . He leans his head all the way back looking up at the dark sky . " Sometimes it 's hard to tell which star is brighter than the others . Sometimes you have to watch them for a long time waiting for one to twinkle just a little more than the other . " The door to the cabin creaked . Ryan and Melanie turned . Daisy stood wiggling her tail back and forth and sauntered over to Mitchel . He smiled and bent to let her lick his fingers . " I rolled over and you were gone . I waited awhile , but when you didn 't come back I decided I 'd look for you . " He waivered in the crouch and then just sat cross - legged on the ground . Daisy curled her huge form around his back and sank to the ground . He patted her butt and her little nub wagged . Melanie moved to sit next to Mitchel in the dirt . She slid belt and holster off her hips and lowered herself to the ground setting the gun in her lap . Mitchel wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and tugged her closer to him . He had stopped wearing his gun since they had been staying with Zachariah . He , Jennifer , and Zachariah were the only ones who walked around without one . " Thinks we 're just as safe here as anywhere and he likes the hunting , doesn 't think he will be able to do that in the safe zone . " Mitchel pulled the marshmallow from the end of the stick stringing melted marshmallow across his knee . " Sam will want to take the rest of those with us . " He rolled the top of the bag and set it on the chair . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie kicks at the dirt and chews her bottom lip as she walks back to the cabin . Seth or Mitchel . Mitchel or Seth . It was becoming an obsession . She shook her head as if it would all just fall out and she could walk away from it all . She was nauseous again . It felt like it was all the time . She heard one footstep before he grabbed her around the waist . She sucked in a startled breath and found herself looking up into Mitchel 's smiling face . " Where were you just now ? I can 't usually sneak up on you like that . " She dropped her gaze to his chest and he wrapped her in his arms . " We 're so close and every time we make a move closer to the safe zone something happens to slow us down . It 's like we will never get there . Sometimes I feel like were being stalked by bad luck or all our bad karma is resolving itself before the end . " She knew he had intentionally left himself out of those who would be safe , but there were so many reasons why he would have done it . She wasn 't sure if she should ask because she knew the answer would make sense even if it wasn 't true . God ! How could she think like such sickening thoughts . He surely meant that he may have to take a life before they get there and he was willing to do it to make sure they were all safe and could stay together . Of course , that 's what he had meant . Mitchel kissed her on the lips . He let it linger . It had been awhile since they could be close . He kissed her neck and her mouth again . She opened the cabin door . The small room was empty . Melanie set to making the beds . When her mom still hadn 't come back , she walked over to the house . " Oh , Melanie . " Her mom closed the gap between them and hugged her . " I was just bathing Sam . It 's probably the last one any of us are going to get for a long time . You should probably take one too . " Melanie could see Sam in the bathtub , jumping a yellow rubber duck through the mountains of white bubbles . She had pile on her head as well . A princess hat , she had told Melanie once . " I will , " she said pulling away from her mom . She 'd been anxious since she voiced the words . Saying them aloud had made it real . " I 'm going to pack up all the clothes other than one pair for everyone . Seth shrugged . " It 's not so hard . My dad taught me and Mitch when we were kids . Anyway , Mitchel 's better than me . " Mitchel and Zachariah strolled out of the garage grease smeared on the hands and above their brows . Mitchel tried to wipe it off by rubbing his hands together . He pursed his lips and pulled them to one side and then rubbed his hands on his pants . Mitchel slung his arm over Seth 's shoulders . " And not just with the knife . " They both laughed . You could hardly tell them apart when they stood side by side . It was mostly their personalities that separated them from each other . Mitchel was an inch tall her and broader in the chest . And their lips were different , Seth 's were thin like their father 's and Mitchel 's were fuller like their mother 's . She looked at Ryan . He was smiling and watching the twins . He was probably thinking the same thing as her . Melanie turned away scooping up the ducks to take them around the back and yank out all the feathers . It could be both of them . She felt the tears coming again . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . She snuck back into the cabin before anyone awoke . She wouldn 't sleep , but she wanted to be there so no one would ask where she had been . She laid on the bottom bunk next to Mitchel . She watched him sleep , the slow rise and fall of his chest . He scrunched up his face and shook his head , dreaming . She laid her hand on his chest and he rolled to his side encircled her waist with his arm and pulled her into him . Oh god , what had she done . She didn 't want it to be him . It couldn 't be him . She loved him too much for it to be him . She took a deep breath and willed the tears not to fall . She knew him . They had been together for so long . He wouldn 't do it . She squeezed her eyes closed tight . The memory of Holly and her parents sprung into her head . Her eyes flew open as she gasped . She nodded not trusting her voice . He kissed her again just below her ear . It wasn 't him . No one who could be so kind and loving could do that to Holly or anyone else . It wasn 't him . Melanie 's eyes fluttered open . She had managed to get an hour of sleep riddled with ghastly scenes from the last six months of her life . How could the legislature have thought the Justice Law was the right and best choice ? " I can help you in here , " Melanie said not wanting to watch Ryan watch Mitchel and Seth attempting to decide which one was the butcher . He didn 't have another suspect . He had told her that much last night around the fire while she threw little twigs into the flames . " I 'll right I 'm up , and I 'll go help Zachariah with the van , " Mitchel said untangling his legs from the blanket . He pushed up on the top bunk causing it to rise then he dropped it . " Seth , what are you going to do to help get ready to go ? " Melanie stiffened . Mitchel cast her a questioning glance with a raised eyebrow . She yawned and rubbed her eyes trying to hide her response , but she knew he wasn 't fooled . He rubbed her back , and she bowed it out enjoying every stroke of his hand . She closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side . It can 't be him . His hand moved to massaging her tense muscles at her neck and shoulders . When they all emerge from the cabin , Ryan was talking with Zachariah just outside the garage . Was he going to have his dad help him watch them ? Melanie wondered . It made sense since he couldn 't be in two places at the same time . Seth 's jaw muscles bunched , and he shrugged his shoulders running his hand through his hair . " Not in the least . I 'd be great to have some company . " Ryan nodded and went into the house . Melanie followed him in so she could use the bathroom . She quickened her pace once she was inside and touched him on the shoulder . She pressed her lips together between her teeth and nodded . " I 'll make you some sandwiches . " After using the bathroom , she went into the kitchen . She packed each of them a peanut butter sandwich , an apple , and some pretzels . With all her being , she wanted it to be Seth . Did that make her a horrible person ? No , she decided because it was one of them and it couldn 't be Mitchel . She would die if it was Mitchel . Has she become a killer too , conspiring with Ryan to have Seth or Mitchel shot down ? Maybe she has finally found who could be one of her three . She shoved their lunch into a small cooler along with some water bottles . All that mattered was getting mom and Sammy to safety . If she had to kill one of them herself , she would . She ran her hand through her hair and walked out the front door the screen banging against the frame behind her . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Ryan Thunderhawk crouched next to the fire building a teepee of kindling in the hot coals remaining after they had roasted marshmallows . Marshmallow bubbled on the rocks . She didn 't like her thoughts . She didn 't want to say the words , but she knew she had to protect her family . It was what her father would have wanted her to do . It was what he would have done . It felt like she had been hit with a sledgehammer . She fought the urge to vomit . She couldn 't believe she was going to say it , but Mitchel 's rage had shown her it was a possibility . " The first one was in Blue River . Mitchel and Seth 's father , Evan , was found butchered in the churchyard after Evan had killed their mother in a rage . I thought it was Father Chris who had done it . I even confronted him . Evan was a sinner . He was a dangerous man and everyone in Blue River knew it . " Melanie struggled against the desire to change subjects . Had he meant to give her the opportunity to back out of this disclosure ? He had spent the last few weeks with them , maybe he had a suspect and knew it wasn 't them . She wanted to believe it so much , but here chest squeezed her heart . She had been fighting this war within her mind since they left Denver and were stopped by Homeland Security as soon as they arrived in Utah . No , she was too far into this . She needed to finish what she started . Her mom 's and Sam 's lives could depend on it . She closed her eyes and took a deep breath , steeling her resolve . " More bodies showed up in Denver . Including my best friend , Holly , and her parents . " She had to stop and swallow the tears as the memories of that day crashed down upon her . Didn 't therapists always say it was good to talk about loss , to get it out and not carry the burden alone ? What crap . " They were butchered in the same fashion . They were all within a few miles of where we were staying . I didn 't know where either Seth or Mitchel were during the time those people were killed . But Holly … " " They were staying in their fifth - wheel trailer in the driveway of the house we were staying in with my mom 's friends . There were three security guards patrolling the yard . They didn 't hear or see a thing . I hadn 't seen Holly since returning from the hospital , so I knocked on the door . There was no answer . Blood dripped down the walls . We were all questioned for a long time . My mom , her friends , and Sam were released first . But Mitchel , Seth , and I were there for much longer . " He laid his hand over hers . She hadn 't even noticed that he had come over to her . She looked at their hands . Her 's was much smaller than his , like her 's and Michel 's . " And then when we reached Utah , we were stopped by Homeland Security . As if they had been following are movements the whole time . They denied that , but it was too much just to be a coincidence . " " Mitchel and Seth grew up in a violent home . Their father was an alcoholic . He beat their mother . He killed their older sister . And he abused them . " Her last words came out as if she were pleading for it not to be true . There it was , laid out before him , all that she knew . It sat between them , a dark churning mass of destruction . She threw up then . Ryan pulled her hair up away from her face and laid his hand on her back . |
WELCOME TO THE REALM OF STRANGE FICTION I began writing fiction when I was still in elementary school - - but I never saved a thing . During lunch and recess all my friends would gather around to listen to the most recent offerings from my twisted mind . Now I share my twisted mind with you . I hope that you all enjoy , and come back for more . I welcome your comments at the end of each story . These comments could serve to help me to improve my writing . PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS . THANKS . Wednesday , July 20 , 2011 Here are the first 2 chapters of my sci - fi novel , STAR CHASERS . I would love to know how you like it . Do the first 2 chapters make you want to read more ? Ah Dom sat hunched under the tree . It was dead ; he felt as if he were dead , as well . It was cold and night fall was upon him . He had no clothes - nothing to warm him . His head had been shaved and he could feel the markings that had been branded into his flesh . They were feathered slashes that began at the top of his head and ran all the way down his right arm . He couldn 't understand why they would brand him this way and shave off his lengths of jet black hair . His hair had been a symbol of his status in the empire . He felt he was going to be sick . He heard a howling in the distance . He didn 't recognize the long , low lament . It was new to him . The blue tick coon dog pulled taunt on his chain as he sniffed the air . He wailed loudly , over and over , until his master emerged from the small cabin . " What 's wrong , Cassidy ? " The young man looked off into the direction the dog was straining towards . " You smell a coon , boy ? You want to hunt ? " Bow in hand , he released his dog and followed as the animal howled through the woods . Ah Dom heard the wailing sounds coming closer . He tried to conceal himself in some underbrush near the dead tree . He wanted to move further into the forest and out of this clearing he was in , but the howling was too close . Soon , the blue tick hound came crashing through the woods into the clearing . Without hesitation Cassidy leapt into the underbrush where Ah Dom crouched . Cassidy nuzzled Ah Dom as if he understood the young man 's misery . Ah Dom sighed in relief , as he hugged the dog for warmth . Then , the man came , seeking his dog . " Cassidy , " he called . Where are you boy ? " Ah Dom sank back into the brush in hope of not being seen , but the dog barked , and his master came to see what had been trapped . " What is it boy ? " The man peered into the underbrush . His eyes met Ah Dom 's . He stared in awe of the stranger . Ah Dom 's aquamarine eyes were unlike any the young man had ever seen ; they were so large and searching . The markings that covered Ah Dom 's head and limbs reminded him of the tats of some gang members he had known in prison ; but , Ah Dom didn 't look like he belonged to any gang . He was small , not much more than a boy and his skin was so pale ; almost albino . He heard sirens and realized that on the road circling his mountain , police were hunting for someone ; maybe this someone . He removed his field jacket and helped Ah Dom up , placing the jacket around him . Matt Brady noisily searched his cabin for his younger brother 's clothes . Jim had been slender , like the stranger ; maybe a little larger , but these clothes would do for now . He had packed Jim 's clothes in a box and placed it in the closet after he got out of prison . He remembered how Jim had been so happy when Matt agreed to move to their granddad 's mountain after he came home from Iraq . Then , like an idiot , Matt got into trouble and ended up in prison . Jim had been left there in the cabin alone . Matt never knew what exactly happened , but his little brother was dead and he hadn 't been there to do anything to stop it . He could hear a police car getting closer to his cabin . He hoped that they wouldn 't question the other young man 's appearance . Maybe the clothes would hide his looks enough to keep from drawing attention . He worried about the tats and the pale skin . He had tats and hoped they would think that this stranger simply had tats like his . Maybe they weren 't even looking for any one with tats . Still , he had more to worry about than just the tats . He had Ah Dom sit at the table , in the shadows , where he would be out of direct view of the door . A car pulled up outside . Matt removed his outer shirt , so that his tats would show around his wife beater under shirt . Maybe , he thought , if the cops were distracted by his appearance , they wouldn 't even notice his visitor . There came a knock at the door and Matt opened it . It was just one cop . He was a sloppy fat goober that Matt had seen in town before . This guy had some kind of power fantasy and was always trying to flaunt his authority . " Hey there , Officer Downs ; what can I do for you today ? " Matt said leaning against the door frame , hoping to block the view to the interior of the cabin . Officer Downs appeared either angry or exasperated as he walked back to his car with Matt looking on . " Look , " he said turning back to Matt . " If you see or hear anything strange , call the local dispatcher . Is that okay ? Will you do that ? " " Oh , sure ; you bet . " Matt watched as the cop car pulled away . He turned back and looked at Ah Dom . " Yep , I 'll call them all right . I 'll just stick my head out this door and yell . Not my fault if they don 't hear me . Got no phones up here . " Matt sat down at the table , opposite Ah Dom . " You are one strange looking son - of - a - bitch . Where did you come from ? " Ah Dom sat silently ; glad to be in the warmth of the cabin . Matt stood and went to the fireplace where a pot hung over the logs . He took a bowl and spooned some hot chili into it . Returning to the table he placed the bowl in front of Ah Dom , and stretched his muscular arm out to snatch a loaf of bread off a nearby counter . Ah Dom gratefully took bread and began dipping it into the hot mixture . He was ravenous . He wasn 't sure when he had last eaten . He remembered the cruiser ; and then ; nothing . He wasn 't even sure where he was . This humanoid helping him looked strange . His hair was long , not as long as Ah Dom 's had been before he was marooned on this planet , only about shoulder length ; and this one 's hair was thick and wooly , like the Crevats on Hadat . Like the Crevats , his face was wooly as well , but rather than a wooly body , this man was branded all over like the slaves of Tanof . He wondered what sort of man this was . " So , my friend what do I call you ? I 'm Matt . This here is my coon dog , Cassidy . You can call him Butch if you like . " Matt laughed at his own joke , expecting Ah Dom to get it . Ah Dom remained silent . Ah Dom wondered what language it was this creature spoke . He thought that he was familiar with the languages of all the slave planets in the galaxy . But this was new . Perhaps this wasn 't a slave planet at all . The other who had come earlier had no slave markings . He could be one of the masters . Ah Dom was confused . He had dedicated his life to bringing freedom to all slaves , of all planets , but this one was new to him . He had no idea what planet he had been stranded on . Was he even still in the Kadar galaxy ? " Cassidy . " Ah Dom scratched Cassidy 's large head and tested his ability to communicate with this noble animal . You and your master can help me , if you will . Cassidy perked his head up and whimpered . We 'll help you . Matt , didn 't recognize the exchange that took place between the two . He was just glad to see the stranger making an attempt to communicate . Ah Dom , now Adam , looked strangely at Matt 's hand . He wondered what Matt was handing him , but he saw nothing . Cassidy whimpered again and Adam understood . This was a form of greeting . He took Matt 's hand in friendship . Adam had made strange new friends , on a strange new planet , and he had been given a new name . Matt provided Adam with a place to lie down for the night . He called it a bunk . It mattered not to Adam . It was warm and comfortable . He didn 't know , or understand , why he had been removed from the cruiser bound for Kazar . He knew he had made enemies . There were many who wanted him dead because of his politics . Slavery was a very profitable business in the Kazarian Empire , but if Adam had his way , and he would upon the inauguration , it would be abolished throughout the Kadar galaxy . He knew that stranding him on some distant planet would be one way of silencing him , but he swore it wouldn 't work . He didn 't know , however , why he had been marked as a slave or why his long , jet black hair , the symbol of his Kazarian royalty , had been shaved . As he lay down his head , he vowed to search out those who had stranded him and renew his rightful place in the empire . He was certain that his brother , Cy Dom , would be searching for him . After all , he was to be crowned as emperor soon . His brother wouldn 't allow the empire to be left without its emperor . But , for now . . . he must rest . He pondered these things as sleep over took him , in the home of his new friends , Matt and Cassidy . II . Adam awoke to a mixture of aromas . His stomach rumbled entreating him to search for the source of the savory essence . He rose from his bed , looking across the one room cabin . Cassidy sat expectantly awaiting breakfast . He whimpered at Adam . Matt stood by a fire , filling plates with food that promised to satisfy the palate . " I got to go to town today , " Matt said . " I guess you don 't have a clue what I 'm talking about , though . I think you 'll be okay here with Cassidy . You two seem to have something going that I 'm not being let in on anyway . " Adam was enjoying the food that Matt had given him . He had eaten foods similar to this on his home world of Kazar . Some of the more primitive villages served animal flesh . He didn 't remember it tasting quite this good though . Even so , the meal made him think of home . It seemed like it had been forever since he had seen home . Now he wasn 't certain if he would ever see it again . Matt had finished his meal and grabbed the keys to his truck . " Look , " he said , " if you get hungry while I 'm gone , there 's food here in the fridge . " He opened the refrigerator to show Adam the food . " Now , you stay here with Cassidy . I 'll be back soon . Okay ? " " You 're learning , " Matt said . " I 'm not sure who 's teaching you , but you 're learning . Oh well , I 'll be back soon . " He went out to the old ' 65 Ford Ranger that sat in front of the cabin . This had been his granddad 's truck . Matt remembered when he and Jim were boys , coming up to the cabin to spend summers with Granddad . They had a lot of fun in that old truck . The black paint was so faded now that it looked as though it had none and before Granddad died , he had knocked quite a few dents into the old truck . Matt spent lots of time working on it to keep it running , but sometimes parts would be hard to find and he would have to rely on a little ingenuity and bailing wire . Adam could hear the truck for several minutes after it disappeared down the heavily wooded drive . He closed the door and went back to his bunk where he lay down to sleep some more with Cassidy curled up beside him . The fresh mountain scents of pine and recent rain made sleeping a pleasure . Junction was just a little town that never really grew out of the 50 's . A lot of the old shops on Main Street were closed and had been for years . When Matt arrived in town he noticed that there was much more activity than normal . Unlike most days , the streets seemed full . People were milling about , gathering in groups to talk and reading together from the local paper , a four page weekly that never seemed to have much to say . Military vehicles were parked up and down the street . State police were gathered at the local P . D . It was not a site he often saw in this sleepy little town . Few people paid any attention to the rattling of the old truck as Matt pulled into an empty parking space in front of the store . A soldier was walking by as Matt got out of the truck . " Say there , can you tell me what 's going on ? " Matt asked . Grabbing a paper wasn 't so easy . Normally he wouldn 't bother with this little rag , but now he checked all the boxes in hopes of learning a little about what was going on and maybe who Adam was . The boxes were sold out , so he went into the store to get his supplies . " You got any papers ? " he asked when he went up to pay . " Sorry , " the clerk said . " I don 't think you can get one anywhere . I never saw our paper sell out before and you should see how thick it is . I think it 's about twelve pages . It 's just freaky . " " Oh man , " the clerk said with a laugh , " you 're in a world of hurt . " Matt laughed with him and the clerk went on to give him the news . " Well , we had a space ship crash right up there on the mountain . You from up near the east ridge ? " " There was all kinds of stuff going on up there last night . Officer Downs came up to my cabin and asked if I 'd seen anything out of the ordinary . He never said that any space ship crashed though . " " Sounds like Downs , " the clerk said . " He doesn 't seem to think anyone needs to know anything . Look , I got my copy of the paper under the counter . Here , you take it . I read it already . " With his supplies in the bed of the truck , Matt sat for a few minutes to look at the paper before heading home . There were photos of a gleaming silver space ship , marked with a strange dragon - like creature across the hull . The story talked about the crash and two reptilian aliens that were found , dead , beside the ship . According to the article the ship and the aliens had been taken to the local Air Force base to be studied . It said that a resident near the crash site reported seeing someone , who appeared human , stumbling away from the wreckage . The two dead aliens were officially reported to have been killed by a fairly large caliber hunting rifle . The eye witness stated that he has shot them because they were chasing the person he saw fleeing the ship . The reptilian bodies of the aliens had been found next to the ship , which showed no damage that they could tell , but they couldn 't get inside . The ship was one solid mass of metal with no apparent openings for doors or windows . There was no word about the human that was seen stumbling away . They hadn 't given up the search , but weren 't certain that there had been anyone . The local resident who said he saw someone had been drinking so he wasn 't considered a reliable source . Matt walked in the cabin with the supplies he bought in town . Adam and Cassidy had gotten up when they heard the rattling and clanking of truck . Adam sat at the table and Matt laid the paper in front of him . He studied the photos of the ship and of the two aliens . Even though the aliens were not human , it didn 't seem to surprise Adam . Matt was sitting in a chair near the fire when Adam got up and walked over to him . Adam reached out to touch Matt 's head . " Whoa there , " Matt said . " What do you think you 're doing ? " Adam reached for Matt again and placed his hands on either side of Matt 's head . He held tightly and closed his eyes . " What is this ; some kind of Vulcan mind meld , or something ? " Matt 's dark brown eyes grew large as he waited to see why Adam was doing this . Soon Adam let go and opened his eyes . " Vulcan mind meld ? " Adam said . " No , my friend . I just needed to learn your language . I 'm sorry you feel I have brought trouble to you . " Adam pulled a chair over and sat down near Matt . " No , " he said , " but you were thinking it . Your newspaper says that they believe I am dangerous . Do you believe that ? " Adam smiled . " Sucked your brains ? You certainly have a way with words . I tried not to invade your thoughts too much . I only needed to communicate with you ; to learn your language . Do you know where the Air Force base is that they took the ship to ? " I have recently published 2 non - fiction articles . One is an article about Emily Dickinson and the other is a personal essay titled Road Picnic . To read my articles go to : I 've been working hard at working hard . I set some goals , namely to write a minimum of 5 pages a day and to read a minimum of 5 pages a day . Most days I exceed this by a bit and every once in a while I don 't get much of anything done . When I get an idea I usually write until I have it finished . If I haven 't missed anything it looks like I have written 6 flash fictions , 5 non - fictions , 5 children 's stories , 17 short stories and am working on 1 sci - fi novel . One of the children 's stories I wrote is at a friends who is an artist . She is working on the illustrations to go with it and together we will try to get it published . I have sent over a half dozen stories off either to publishers or to contests . So far I have had one rejection on a children 's story I wrote with Highlights Magazine in mind . I wrote it from my Chihuahua 's point of view . I thought it was rather clever . I did have one of my little flash fiction stories win a little contest in fanstory . com . That was my first win . Yeah ! I plan to just keep writing . Even if I never get published , I love the process of writing . It is truly exhilarating . If I can learn enough about it , I might try self - publishing and e - books . From what I 've read on the web - sites of such people as Amanda Hocking and others , it really seems like the way to go . She has recently made quite a bit selling e - books . I bought one of hers at a whopping 99 cents . It was extremely good . It was written for young adults ( YA ) , so I guess that makes me a young adult . It could happen . . . I 'm only 61 . Turn it around and I 'm a mere child . The ladies in my water aerobics class think I 'm a mere child . Of course most of them are in their 80 's . I 'll try to keep everyone posted . I go into FB at least once a week to post my current status and now I 've started tweeting . Love you all and God bless . Here 's a bit of an update . 9 / 30 / 2013 Wow ! Time has really passed . I 've had a lull in my writing and it was good to go in and re - read the goals that I set . I haven 't met these goals much lately but I can always start over again . I know that God has given me a gift to write . I wonder about some of the strange things I write . Anyway , God made me uniquely who I am . I 've written a new story , extra strange one for me and with some sex and language I don 't normally use . I have it posted for one week only . Enjoy . Sorry I haven 't been posting any stories here in a while . I learned that if you post a story on a blog , like this , it is considered " published " , and most magazines will not accept anything that has been previously published . For this reason I will post nothing here that I plan to send to a magazine . If I write it with intentions of publishing in a book , only , then I will post it here . I have one that I plan to put in a book called Tales from the Blue Dog Cafe . It will be a collection of weird stories told at a cafe in West Texas . We 'll see how well I do with that . Anyway - - here is The Store . I hope you enjoy . As I sat having some lunch and going through my notes , and older gentleman came and sat down at my table . " You seem pretty interested in all the strange stories people have to tell around here . " " It 's what I write . " " Would you like to hear one about our old grocery store and what happened to one woman there ? " " Sure . " " OK … Well , back in the late 50 's , there was a six year old , blond haired , blue eyed girl named Betsy , who had quite a fright in our old store . They say she was picture of sweetness . Everyone loved her and remarked about what a pretty little thing she was . She was her mother 's only child and went everywhere her mother went . When Betsy 's mother decided to go to the store to purchase some groceries for the evening 's meal , Betsy was right there . They lived in a small town with only one store . The store was an old frame , two story building . The upstairs was where the store owners and Mother Agnes lived . The store itself was comprised of four aisles and one checkout counter . Off to one corner in the front of the store were the magazine and candy racks . This was always the first place Betsy would visit , while her mother would visit with Mrs . Smith , the owner 's wife . Betsy sat looking at the most recent issue of McCall Magazine , searching for the Betsy McCall paper doll . She loved that she had the same name as Betsy McCall . Usually , if there was a new issue , her mother would purchase it . Then Betsy could have the paper doll and her mother could enjoy the articles and recipes contained within . ' Betsy ? ' Her mother called after she and Mrs . Smith were finished visiting . ' Do they have a new issue yet ? ' ' Not yet , mommy . ' Betsy put the magazine back in the rack and went to her mother 's side . As they were shopping , this particular day , Betsy was self - absorbed and lost track of which way her mother turned . To her the store with its four aisles was enormous . She became frantic when she didn 't see her mother and ran to the next aisle . She turned the wrong direction , howeveThey say that poor Betsy has been in the state mental hospital every since . You want to know something really funny about all this ? " " What would that be ? " " Well , they ended up sending Mother Agnes to the same hospital . " The gentleman stood and walked away , chuckling to himself . I couldn 't help but muse over how odd this place and these people all were . Sabbath Day DevotionApril 9 , 2011I 'm sure some of you have already read the following inspirational message . Over the years , I have read it at least four times - and each time it moved me to tears . I shared this devotion in March of 2009 . By request , I am sharing it again today . Don 't Leave It On The Desk - There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr . Christianson , a studious man who taught at a small college in the western United States . Dr . Christianson taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular institution . Every student was required to take this course their freshman year , regardless of his or her major . This year , Dr . Christianson had a special student named Steve . Steve was only a freshman , but was studying with the intent of going onto seminary for the ministry . Steve was popular , he was well liked , and he was an imposing physical specimen . He was now the starting center on the school football team and was the best student in the professor 's class . " 200 ? That 's pretty good , Steve , " Dr . Christianson said . " Do you think you could do 300 ? " Steve replied , " I don 't know . . . I 've never done 300 at a time . " " Do you think you could ? " again asked Dr . Christianson . " Well , I can try , " said Steve . " Can you do 300 in sets of 10 ? I have a class project in mind and I need you to do about 300 push - ups in sets of ten for this to work . Can you do it ? I need you to tell me you can do it , " said the professor . Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room . When class started , the professor pulled out a big box of donuts . These weren 't the normal kinds of donuts . They were the extra fancy BIG kind , with cream centers and frosting swirls . Everyone was pretty excited it was Friday , the last class of the day and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr . Christianson 's class . " Sure ! " Steve jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten . Then Steve again sat in his desk . Dr . Christianson put a donut on Cynthia 's desk . Walking down the second aisle , Dr . Christianson came to Scott . Scott was on the basketball team and in as good condition as Steve . He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship . The professor asked , " Scott do you want a donut ? " Scott 's reply was , " Well , can I do my own push - ups ? " Dr . Christianson said , " No , Steve has to do them . " Then Scott said , " Well , I don 't want one then . " Dr . Christianson said , " Look , this is my classroom , my class , my desks and these are my donuts . Just leave it on the desk if you don 't want it . " And he put a donut on Scott 's desk . By this time , Steve had begun to slow down a little . He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down . You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow . Dr . Christianson started down the third row . Now the students were beginning to get a little angry . Dr . Christianson asked Jenny , " Jenny , do you want a donut ? " Sternly , Jenny said , " No . " Dr . Christianson asked Robert , who was the most vocal unbeliever in the class , to watch Steve do each push up to make sure he did the full ten push - ups in a set because he couldn 't bear to watch all of Steve 's work for all of those uneaten donuts . He sent Robert over to where Steve was so Robert could count the set and watch Steve closely . Dr . Christianson started down the fourth row . During his class , however , some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room . When the professor realized this , he did a quick count and saw that now there were 34 students in the room . He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it . Dr . Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next . Near the end of that row , Steve was really having a rough time . He was taking a lot more time to complete each set . Dr . Christianson thought for a moment , " Well , they 're your push - ups . You can do them any way that you want . " And Dr . Christianson went on . A few moments later , Jason , a recent transfer student , came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled in one voice , " NO ! Don 't come in ! Stay out ! " Steve said , " Yes , let him come in . Give him a donut . " Dr . Christianson said , " Okay , Steve , I 'll let you get Jason 's out of the way right now . Jason , do you want a donut ? " Steve did ten push - ups very slowly and with great effort . Jason , bewildered , was handed a donut and sat down . Dr Christianson finished the fourth row , and then started on those visitors seated by the heaters . Steve 's arms were now shaking with each push - up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity . By this time sweat was profusely dropping off of his face , there was no sound except his heavy breathing . There was not a dry eye in the room . Dr Christianson , with tears of his own , said , " No , Steve has to do it alone . I have given him this task and he is in charge of seeing that everyone has an opportunity for a donut whether they want it or not . When I decided to have a party this last day of class , I looked at my grade book . Steve here is the only student with a perfect grade . Everyone else has failed a test , skipped class or offered me inferior work . Steve told me that in football practice , when a player messes up he must do push - ups . I told Steve that none of you could come to my party unless he paid the price by doing your push - ups . He and I made a deal for your sakes . " As Steve very slowly finished his last push - up , with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him , having done 350 push - ups , his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor . Dr . Christianson turned to the room and said , " And so it was , that our Savior , Jesus Christ , on the cross , said to the Father , ' Into thy hands I commend my spirit . ' With the understanding that Jesus had done everything that was required of him , he yielded up his life . And like some of those in this room , many of us leave the gift on the desk , uneaten . " Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat , physically exhausted , but wearing a thin smile . " Well done , good and faithful servant , " said the professor , adding , " Not all sermons are preached in words . " Turning to his class , the professor said , " My wish is that you might understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ . God spared not his only begotten son , but gave him up for us all , for the whole Church , now and forever . Whether or not we choose to accept God 's gift to us , the price has been paid . " The following isn 't one of my strange stories . I was going through some stuff from back in college and found a couple of copies of the Balorian . That was the college literary magazine that I worked on , as an editor . Among the things that I had published in the Baylorian , was this poem . I read it . . . and I still like it . So , here it is . . . I hope you like it too . WOW ! I have been really busy . I have been writing so much lately that my hands are beginning to cramp up on me way too much . I now wear my braces day and night . They do help . I take them off when I go to the pool . The water is so good for all my achey body parts . The hot tub is the best . Well , it 's time to get to work now . These stories won 't write themselves . P . S . BTW , I was thinking about posting one that needs a lot of work to see if anyone would like to give some suggestions . I haven 't made up my mind about that yet . We 'll see . WHY I WRITE I 've always got stories jumbled up in my head . I just can 't turn it off . When I don 't write , my mind is always on high speed and everything gets confused . Writing things down clears my mind so that I can think . Of course , then I become obsessed with writing all the time . After all , it is called ' obsessive personality ' . I am preparing to send several things off to publishers and to some contests . These all pay for what is accepted or what wins . It couldn 't hurt to get a little income from my writing . I 'll keep everyone posted about my rejections , as well as those that get published . Wish me luck - - better yet , keep me in your prayers . I am a retired social worker . I have written all my life but never got serious about it until now . Now I would like to share some of my stories with you . |
Stories from all around the world ! | Tell a tale that takes up residence in someone 's soul , becomes their blood and self and purpose . That tale will move them and drive them and who knows they might do because of it , because of those words ! THAT is our role , our gift ! Tell a tale that takes up residence in someone 's soul , becomes their blood and self and purpose . That tale will move them and drive them and who knows they might do because of it , because of those words ! THAT is our role , our gift ! One day , he passed a wealthy merchant 's house and through the open gateway saw many fine possessions and important visitors . " How powerful that merchant must be ! " thought the stonecutter . He became very envious , and wished that he could be like the merchant . Then he would no longer have to live the life of a mere stonecutter . To his great surprise , he suddenly became the merchant , enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever dreamed of , envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself . But soon a high official passed by , carried in a sedan chair , accompanied by attendants , and escorted by soldiers beating gongs . Everyone , no matter how wealthy , had to bow low before the procession . " How powerful that official is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be a high official ! " Then he became the high official , carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair , feared and hated by the people all around , who had to bow down before him as he passed . It was a hot summer day , and the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair . He looked up at the sun . It shone proudly in the sky , unaffected by his presence . " How powerful the sun is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be the sun ! " Then he became the sun , shining fiercely down on everyone , scorching the fields , cursed by the farmers and labourers . But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth , so that his light could no longer shine on everything below . " How powerful that storm cloud is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be a cloud ! " Then he became the cloud , flooding the fields and villages , shouted at by everyone . But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force , and realized that it was the wind . " How powerful it is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be the wind ! " Then he became the wind , blowing tiles off the roofs of houses , uprooting trees , hated and feared by all below him . But after a while , he ran up against something that would not move , no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge , towering stone . " How powerful that stone is ! " he thought . " I wish that I could be a stone ! " Then he became the stone , more powerful than anything else on earth . But as he stood there , he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the solid rock and felt himself being changed . " What could be more powerful than I , the stone ? " he thought . He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone - cutter . I grew up knowing I was different , and I hated it . I was born with a cleft palate , and when I started to go to school , my classmates - who were constantly teasing - made it clear to me how I must look to others : a little girl with a misshapen lip , crooked nose , lopsided teeth , and hollow and somewhat garbled speech . I couldn 't even blow up a balloon without holding my nose , and when I bent to drink from a fountain , the water spilled out of my nose . When my schoolmates asked , " What happened to your lip ? " I 'd tell them that I 'd fallen as a baby and cut it on a piece of glass . Somehow it seemed more acceptable to have suffered an accident than to have been born different . By the age of seven I was convinced that no one outside my own family could ever love me . Or even like me . And then I entered the second grade , and Mrs . Leonard 's class . I never knew what her first name was - just Mrs . Leonard . She was round and pretty and fragrant , with chubby arms and shining brown hair and warm dark eyes that smiled even on the rare occasions when her mouth didn 't . Everyone adored her . But no one came to love her more than I did . And for a special reason . The time came for the annual " hearing tests " given at our school . I was barely able to hear anything out of one ear , and was not about to reveal yet another problem that would single me out as different . And so I cheated . I had learned to watch other children and raised my hand when they did during group testing . The " whisper test " however , required a different kind of deception : Each child would go to the door of the classroom , turn sideways , close one ear with a finger , and the teacher would whisper something from her desk , which the child would repeat . Then the same thing was done for the other ear . I had discovered in kindergarten that nobody checked to see how tightly the untested ear was being covered , so I merely pretended to block mine . My turn came up . I turned my bad ear to her plugging up the other solidly with my finger , then gently backed my finger out enough to be able to hear . I waited and then the words that God had surely put into her mouth , seven words that changed my life forever . A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm . After a while , they came upon a small cabin . Being exhausted , they prepared to go to sleep . There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed . This time , he remained there and said , " Sister , I have an idea . We 're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened . Let 's pretend we 're married . " I wanted to share this angel story with you . I had put a package of the angel sprinkles ( the small gold colored foil angels ) in my purse after one of the Psychic Fairs . The package was opened and the angels fell out into my purse . When I discovered what had happened , I put the loose angels into my coin purse . ( a little change purse - inside my purse . ) On the way home , I was at the store paying for something and change was required . I dug in , got the change , gave it to the sales person . I did not realize that there were also angels stuck in with the money ! Well she said : " Oh angels for me ! Thank you ! Come back and see me anytime ! " This happened to me several times that day , with almost the same reaction at different places , with different people . So now I keep the angels in there and always dispense them with the change . This little practice has led to some interesting conversations - for instance , when I did go back to the same store that the lady received the first angels . She told me how much she treasured them and kept them by her bed . She said she gave one to her daughter too . She then told me about her personal healing experience . She said : " I don 't usually tell people this but , I was paralyzed as a child . I could not walk or talk . My grandparents were very devout and my grandfather told me that if I really believed in God and Holy Mother Mary that I would be healed . He said that God was inside me and if my faith was strong enough I would be well . Well , I believed him , he was my grandfather . I started praying , I really believed . Within a year I was totally healed ! I am so grateful to God for this healing ! " I then gave her some more angel sprinkles , and again she acted like I had given her a million dollars ! She also told me that the first time she saw me that she thought that I was an angel ! ( blush … . . ) She said that she could feel the energy and it made her turn around and look at me . I told her that if she felt anything through me - that it was God ; I was only the instrument . What a lovelyShare this : PinterestTumblrEmailGoogleTwitterFacebookRedditLinkedInPrintPocketLike this : Like Loading . . . By Elan A long , long time ago there lived in a little hut in the midst of a bare , brown , lonely moor an old woman and a young girl . The old woman was withered , sour - tempered , and dumb . The young girl was as sweet and as fresh as an opening rosebud , and her voice was as musical as the whisper of a stream in the woods in the hot days of summer . The little hut , made of branches woven closely together , was shaped like a beehive . In the centre of the hut a fire burned night and day from year 's end to year 's end , though it was never touched or tended by human hand . In the cold days and nights of winter it gave out light and heat that made the hut cosy and warm , but in the summer nights and days it gave out light only . With their heads to the wall of the hut and their feet towards the fire were two sleeping - couches - - one of plain woodwork , in which slept the old woman ; the other was Finola 's . It was of bog - oak , polished as a looking - glass , and on it were carved flowers and birds of all kinds , that gleamed and shone in the light of the fire . This couch was fit for a princess , and a princess Finola was , though she did not know it herself . Outside the hut the bare , brown , lonely moor stretched for miles on every side , but towards the east it was bounded by a range of mountains that looked to Finola blue in the daytime , but which put on a hundred changing colours as the sun went down . Nowhere was a house to be seen , nor a tree , nor a flower , nor sign of any living thing . From morning till night , nor hum of bee , nor song of bird , nor voice of man , nor any sound fell on Finola 's ear . When the storm was in the air the great waves thundered on the shore beyond the mountains , and the wind shouted in the glens ; but when it sped across the moor it lost its voice , and passed as silently as the dead . At first the silence frightened Finola , but she got used to it after a time , and often broke it by talking to herself and singing . The only other person beside the old woman Finola ever saw was a dumb dwarf who , mounted on a broken - down horse , came once a month to the hut , bringing with him a sack of corn for the old woman and Finola . Although he couldn 't speak to her , Finola was always glad to see the dwarf and his old horse , and she used to give them cake made with her own white hands . As for the dwarf he would have died for the little princess , he was so much in love with her , and often and often his heart was heavy and sad as he thought of her pining away in the lonely moor . It chanced that he came one day , and she did not , as usual , come out to greet him . He made signs to the old woman , but she took up a stick and struck him , and beat his horse and drove him away ; but as he was leaving he caught a glimpse of Finola at the door of the hut , and saw that she was crying . This sight made him so very miserable that he could think of nothing else but her sad face that he had always seen so bright , and he allowed the old horse to go on without minding where he was going . Suddenly he heard a voice saying : " It is time for you to come . " The dwarf got off his horse and followed the little man through a hole in the side of a green hill . The hole was so small that he had to go on his hands and knees to pass through it , and when he was able to stand he was only the same height as the little fairyman . After walking three or four steps they were in a splendid room , as bright as day . Diamonds sparkled in the roof as stars sparkle in the sky when the night is without a cloud . The roof rested on golden pillars , and between the pillars were silver lamps , but their light was dimmed by that of the diamonds . In the middle of the room was a table , on which were two golden plates and two silver knives and forks , and a brass bell as big as a hazelnut , and beside the table were two little chairs covered with blue silk and satin . " I remember nothing at all , " said the dwarf , " before the day I found myself going along with a crowd of all sorts of people to the great fair of the Liffey . We had to pass by the king 's palace on our way , and as we were passing the king sent for a band of jugglers to come and show their tricks before him . I followed the jugglers to look on , and when the play was over the king called me to him , and asked me who I was and where I came from . I was dumb then , and couldn 't answer ; but even if I could speak I could not tell him what he wanted to know , for I remember nothing of myself before that day . Then the king asked the jugglers , but they knew nothing about me , and no one knew anything , and then the king said he would take me into his service ; and the only work I have to do is to go once a month with a bag of corn to the hut in the lonely moor . " " Well , then , listen to me , " said the fairy . " The Princess Finola was banished to the lonely moor by the king , your master . He killed her father , who was the rightful king , and would have killed Finola , only he was told by an old sorceress that if he killed her he would die himself on the same day , and she advised him to banish her to the lonely moor , and she said she would fling a spell of enchantment over it , and that until the spell was broken Finola could not leave the moor . And the sorceress also promised that she would send an old woman to watch over the princess by night and by day , so that no harm should come to her ; but she told the king that he himself should select a messenger to take food to the hut , and that he should look out for some one who had never seen or heard of the princess , and whom he could trust never to tell anyone anything about her ; and that is the reason he selected you . " " You will know that time enough , " said the fairy . " I have given you back your speech . It will depend solely on yourself whether you will get back your memory of who and what you were before the day you entered the king 's service . But are you really willing to try and break the spell of enchantment and free the princess ? " " The spear of the shining haft and the dark blue blade and the silver shield , " said the fairy . " They are on the farther bank of the Mystic Lake in the Island of the Western Seas . They are there for the man who is bold enough to seek them . If you are the man who will bring them back to the lonely moor you will only have to strike the shield three times with the haft , and three times with the blade of the spear , and the silence of the moor will be broken for ever , the spell of enchantment will be removed , and the princess will be free . " " Well , then , mount your horse , give him his head , and he will take you to the shore opposite the Island of the Mystic Lake . You must cross to the island on his back , and make your way through the water - steeds that swim around the island night and day to guard it ; but woe betide you if you attempt to cross without paying the price , for if you do the angry water - steeds will rend you and your horse to pieces . And when you come to the Mystic Lake you must wait until the waters are as red as wine , and then swim your horse across it , and on the farther side you will find the spear and shield ; but woe betide you if you attempt to cross the lake before you pay the price , for if you do , the black Cormorants of the Western Seas will pick the flesh from your bones . " The dwarf thanked the fairy , and said good - bye ! He then threw the reins on his horse 's neck , and started up the hill , that seemed to grow bigger and bigger as he ascended , and the dwarf soon found that what he took for a hill was a great mountain . After travelling all the day , toiling up by steep crags and heathery passes , he reached the top as the sun was setting in the ocean , and he saw far below him out in the waters the island of the Mystic Lake . He awoke at the breaking of the morning , and saw that he was almost at the water 's edge . He looked out to sea , and saw the island , but nowhere could he see the water - steeds , and he began to fear he must have taken a wrong course in the night , and that the island before him was not the one he was in search of . But even while he was so thinking he heard fierce and angry snortings , and , coming swiftly from the island to the shore , he saw the swimming and prancing steeds . Sometimes their heads and manes only were visible , and sometimes , rearing , they rose half out of the water , and , striking it with their hoofs , churned it into foam , and tossed the white spray to the skies . As they approached nearer and nearer their snortings became more terrible , and their nostrils shot forth clouds of vapour . The dwarf trembled at the sight and sound , and his old horse , quivering in every limb , moaned piteously , as if in pain . On came the steeds , until they almost touched the shore , then rearing , they seemed about to spring on to it . The frightened dwarf turned his head to fly , and as he did so he heard the twang of a golden harp , and right before him who should he see but the little man of the hills , holding a harp in one hand and striking the strings with the other . Towards midday he beheld what he thought was a black cloud sailing across the sky from east to west . It seemed to grow larger as it came nearer and nearer , and when it was high above the lake he saw it was a huge bird , the shadow of whose outstretched wings darkened the waters of the lake ; and the dwarf knew it was one of the Cormorants of the Western Seas . As it descended slowly , he saw that it held in one of its claws a branch of a tree larger than a full - grown oak , and laden with clusters of ripe red berries . It alighted at some distance from the dwarf , and , after resting for a time , it began to eat the berries and to throw the stones into the lake , and wherever a stone fell a bright red stain appeared in the water . As he looked more closely at the bird the dwarf saw that it had all the signs of old age , and he could not help wondering how it was able to carry such a heavy tree . When they had eaten all the berries , the young birds began to pick the decayed feathers off the old bird and to smooth his plumage . As soon as they had completed their task , he rose slowly from the hill and sailed out over the lake , and dropping down on the waters , dived beneath them . In a moment he came to the surface , and shot up into the air with a joyous cry , and flew off to the west in all the vigour of renewed youth , followed by the other birds . " Faint heart never won fair lady , " said the little harper . " Are you ready to pay the price ? The spear and shield are on the opposite bank , and the Princess Finola is crying this moment in the lonely moor . " " It 's your last trial , " said the fairy , " and now do what I tell you . Twist your horse 's mane round your right hand , and I will lead him to the water . Plunge in , and fear not . I gave you back your speech . When you reach the opposite bank you will get back your memory , and you will know who and what you are . " The dwarf urged the horse . He plunged into the lake , and went down and down until his feet struck the bottom . Then he began to ascend , and as he came near the surface of the water the dwarf thought he saw a glimmering light , and when he rose above the water he saw the bright sun shining and the green hills before him , and he shouted with joy at finding his sight restored . Slinging his shield upon his left arm , he plucked the spear from the ground and leaped on to his horse . With a light heart he swam back over the lake , and nowhere could he see the black Cormorants of the Western Seas , but three white swans floating abreast followed him to the bank . When he reached the bank he galloped down to the sea , and crossed to the shore . At last the knight reached the little hut . Three times he struck the shield with the haft and three times with the blade of his spear . At the last blow the hut disappeared , and standing before him was the little princess . Seven years ago , I visited the place called Dharansala , home of the Dalai Lama . The hillside town is seven thousand feet up the Himalayan Mountains . This town attracts many seekers . " The Traveler 's Hotline " assured us that the person to see was this legendary 24 - hour lama . A Buddhist monk who had gone without sleep for several years , he had achieved this remarkable feat by the simple technique of meditating instead of taking his " beauty sleep . " " He must be a wise person , " I thought as I set off for a 5 - hour trek to a remote monastery where their 24 - hour man resided . I figured that since he had so much time on his hands , maybe he would grant me an audience . Six hours later , I was ushered into a Spartan cell , where sat the man who had not dreamt in years . I was astounded by the Buddha - like tranquility he seemed to emanate . I felt humbled in the presence of this sublime being . I was furious ! A 5 - hour trek , a rucksack full of goodies to take as offerings - and now a 5 - hour walk back down a treacherous Himalayan trail . I was in a reflective mood : maybe I 'd expected too much . What did I want from him ? Instant enlightenment ? Some wisdom would 've been nice , but " Don 't leave on Saturday " ? ! Maybe this was some kind of Zen Buddhist paradox within this mundane phase that contained some great gem of wisdom , but dammit ! He was a Tibetan Buddhist ! ! On Sunday morning , waiting at the coach station for the bus that would take an arduous , 10 - hour journey down the vast mountain , my traveling companion stormed up to me and furiously exclaimed , " Bloody great ! A 3 - hour delay ! I just chatted with that policeman over there … he reckons Saturday 's coach had crashed with 14 people dead … The road 's blocked with rescue vehicles … Good thing we didn 't leave yesterday , like we wanted . " I was in a state of shock . My mind raced back to the beaming Buddha . I was filled with wonderment and joy . He had given me the perfect answer to my question . Had I left Saturday , there would have been no more spiritual progression . The mundane answer to my oh - so - important question was stunning in its magnificence . The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car . He leans down and says " Listen mister , I 've had a really lousy day , and I just want to go home . Give me a good excuse and I 'll let you go . " Once upon a time there was an old fox with nine tails . He did not believe that his wife was faithful to him and wanted to put her to the test . He stretched himself out beneath the bench , did not move a limb , and pretended to be stone dead . As soon as it became known that the old fox had died , suitors began to appear . The maid heard someone knocking at the front door . She opened it , and there stood a young fox , who said : Soon afterward there was another knock at the door . Another fox was there who wanted to court Mrs . Fox . He had two tails , but he did not fare any better than the first one . Then others came , each with one additional tail , but all were turned away until finally one came who had nine tails , just like old Mr . Fox . When the widow heard that , she spoke joyfully to the cat : " That 's the worst of living so far out , " bawled Mr . White , with sudden and unlooked - for violence ; " of all the beastly , slushy , out - of - the - way places to live in , this is the worst . Pathway 's a bog , and the road 's a torrent . I don 't know what people are thinking about . I suppose because only two houses in the road are let , they think it doesn 't matter . " " Twenty - one years of it , " said Mr . White , nodding at his wife and son . " When he went away he was a slip of a youth in the warehouse . Now look at him . " His three listeners leaned forward eagerly . The visitor absent - mindedly put his empty glass to his lips and then set it down again . His host filled it for him . " It had a spell put on it by an old fakir , " said the sergeant - major , " a very holy man . He wanted to show that fate ruled people 's lives , and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow . He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it . " " The first man had his three wishes . Yes , " was the reply ; " I don 't know what the first two were , but the third was for death . That 's how I got the paw . " The soldier shook his head . " Fancy , I suppose , " he said , slowly . " I did have some idea of selling it , but I don 't think I will . It has caused enough mischief already . Besides , people won 't buy . They think it 's a fairy tale ; some of them , and those who do think anything of it want to try it first and pay me afterward . " " I won 't , " said his friend , doggedly . " I threw it on the fire . If you keep it , don 't blame me for what happens . Pitch it on the fire again like a sensible man . " " A trifle , " said he , colouring slightly . " He didn 't want it , but I made him take it . And he pressed me again to throw it away . " " Likely , " said Herbert , with pretended horror . " Why , we 're going to be rich , and famous and happy . Wish to be an emperor , father , to begin with ; then you can 't be henpecked . " Mr . White took the paw from his pocket and eyed it dubiously . " I don 't know what to wish for , and that 's a fact , " he said , slowly . " It seems to me I 've got all I want . " They sat down by the fire again while the two men finished their pipes . Outside , the wind was higher than ever , and the old man started nervously at the sound of a door banging upstairs . A silence unusual and depressing settled upon all three , which lasted until the old couple rose to retire for the night . He sat alone in the darkness , gazing at the dying fire , and seeing faces in it . The last face was so horrible and so simian that he gazed at it in amazement . ' It got so vivid that , with a little uneasy laugh , he felt on the table for a glass containing a little water to throw over it . His hand grasped the monkey 's paw , and with a little shiver he wiped his hand on his coat and went up to bed . " I suppose all old soldiers are the same , " said Mrs . White . " The idea of our listening to such nonsense ! How could wishes be granted in these days ? And if they could , how could two hundred pounds hurt you , father ? " His wife made no reply . She was watching the mysterious movements of a man outside , who , peering in an undecided fashion at the house , appeared to be trying to make up his mind to enter . In mental connection with the two hundred pounds , she noticed that the stranger was well dressed , and wore a silk hat of glossy newness . Three times he paused at the gate , and then walked on again . The fourth time he stood with his hand upon it , and then with sudden resolution flung it open and walked up the path . Mrs . White at the same moment placed her hands behind her , and hurriedly unfastening the strings of her apron , put that useful article of apparel beneath the cushion of her chair . She brought the stranger , who seemed ill at ease , into the room . He gazed at her furtively , and listened in a preoccupied fashion as the old lady apologized for the appearance of the room , and her husband 's coat , a garment which he usually reserved for the garden . She then waited as patiently as her sex would permit , for him to broach his business , but he was at first strangely silent . The old lady started . " Is anything the matter ? " she asked , breathlessly . " Has anything happened to Herbert ? What is it ? What is it ? " Her husband interposed . " There , there , mother , " he said , hastily . " Sit down , and don 't jump to conclusions . You 've not brought bad news , I 'm sure , sir ; " and he eyed the other wistfully . She broke off suddenly as the sinister meaning of the assurance dawned upon her and she saw the awful confirmation of her fears in the other 's perverted face . She caught her breath , and turning to her slower - witted husband , laid her trembling old hand upon his . There was a long silence . The other coughed , and rising , walked slowly to the window . " The firm wished me to convey their sincere sympathy with you in your great loss , " he said , without looking round . " I beg that you will understand I am only their servant and merely obeying orders . " It was about a week after that the old man , waking suddenly in the night , stretched out his hand and found himself alone . The room was in darkness , and the sound of subdued weeping came from the window . He raised himself in bed and listened . The sound of her sobs died away on his ears . The bed was warm , and his eyes heavy with sleep . He dozed fitfully , and then slept until a sudden wild cry from his wife awoke him with a start . " I only just thought of it , " she said , hysterically . " Why didn 't I think of it before ? Why didn 't you think of it ? " Her husband struck a match and lit the candle . " Get back to bed , " he said , unsteadily . " You don 't know what you are saying . " The old man turned and regarded her , and his voice shook . " He has been dead ten days , and besides he ? I would not tell you else , but ? I could only recognize him by his clothing . If he was too terrible for you to see then , how now ? " He went down in the darkness , and felt his way to the parlour , and then to the mantelpiece . The talisman was in its place , and a horrible fear that the unspoken wish might bring his mutilated son before him ere he could escape from the room seized upon him , and he caught his breath as he found that he had lost the direction of the door . His brow cold with sweat , he felt his way round the table , and groped along the wall until he found himself in the small passage with the unwholesome thing in his hand . Even his wife 's face seemed changed as he entered the room . It was white and expectant , and to his fears seemed to have an unnatural look upon it . He was afraid of her . He sat until he was chilled with the cold , glancing occasionally at the figure of the old woman peering through the window . The candle - end , which had burned below the rim of the china candlestick , was throwing pulsating shadows on the ceiling and walls , until , with a flicker larger than the rest , it expired . The old man , with an unspeakable sense of relief at the failure of the talisman , crept back to his bed , and a minute or two afterward the old woman came silently and apathetically beside him . Neither spoke , but lay silently listening to the ticking of the clock . A stair creaked , and a squeaky mouse scurried noisily through the wall . The darkness was oppressive , and after lying for some time screwing up his courage , he took the box of matches , and striking one , went downstairs for a candle . The matches fell from his hand and spilled in the passage . He stood motionless , his breath suspended until the knock was repeated . Then he turned and fled swiftly back to his room , and closed the door behind him . A third knock sounded through the house . " It 's my boy ; it 's Herbert ! " she cried , struggling mechanically . " I forgot it was two miles away . What are you holding me for ? Let go . I must open the door . " You 're afraid of your own son , " she cried , struggling . " Let me go . I 'm coming , Herbert ; I 'm coming . " There was another knock , and another . The old woman with a sudden wrench broke free and ran from the room . Her husband followed to the landing , and called after her appealingly as she hurried downstairs . He heard the chain rattle back and the bottom bolt drawn slowly and stiffly from the socket . Then the old woman 's voice , strained and panting . But her husband was on his hands and knees groping wildly on the floor in search of the paw . If he could only find it before the thing outside got in . A perfect fusillade of knocks reverberated through the house , and he heard the scraping of a chair as his wife put it down in the passage against the door . He heard the creaking of the bolt as it came slowly back , and at the same moment he found the monkey 's paw , and frantically breathed his third and last wish . The knocking ceased suddenly , although the echoes of it were still in the house . He heard the chair drawn back , and the door opened . A cold wind rushed up the staircase , and a long loud wail of disappointment and misery from his wife gave him courage to run down to her side , and then to the gate beyond . The street lamp flickering opposite shone on a quiet and deserted road . From time to time we landed at various islands , where we sold or exchanged our merchandise , and one day , when the wind dropped suddenly , we found ourselves becalmed close to a small island like a green meadow , which only rose slightly above the surface of the water . Our sails were furled , and the captain gave permission to all who wished to land for a while and amuse themselves . I was among the number , but when after strolling about for some time we lighted a fire and sat down to enjoy the repast which we had brought with us , we were startled by a sudden and violent trembling of the island , while at the same moment those left upon the ship set up an outcry bidding us come on board for our lives , since what we had taken for an island was nothing but the back of a sleeping whale . Those who were nearest to the boat threw themselves into it , others sprang into the sea , but before I could save myself the whale plunged suddenly into the depths of the ocean , leaving me clinging to a piece of the wood which we had brought to make our fire . Meanwhile a breeze had sprung up , and in the confusion that ensued on board our vessel in hoisting the sails and taking up those who were in the boat and clinging to its sides , no one missed me and I was left at the mercy of the waves . All that day I floated up and down , now beaten this way , now that , and when night fell I despaired for my life ; but , weary and spent as I was , I clung to my frail support , and great was my joy when the morning light showed me that I had drifted against an island . The cliffs were high and steep , but luckily for me some tree - roots protruded in places , and by their aid I climbed up at last , and stretched myself upon the turf at the top , where I lay , more dead than alive , till the sun was high in the heavens . By that time I was very hungry , but after some searching I came upon some eatable herbs , and a spring of clear water , and much refreshed I set out to explore the island . Presently I reached a great plain where a grazing horse was tethered , and as I stood looking at it I heard voices talking apparently underground , and in a moment a man appeared who asked me how I came upon the island . I told him my adventures , and heard in return that he was one of the grooms of Mihrage , the king of the island , and that each year they came to feed their master 's horses in this plain . He took me to a cave where his companions were assembled , and when I had eaten of the food they set before me , they bade me think myself fortunate to have come upon them when I did , since they were going back to their master on the morrow , and without their aid I could certainly never have found my way to the inhabited part of the island . Early the next morning we accordingly set out , and when we reached the capital I was graciously received by the king , to whom I related my adventures , upon which he ordered that I should be well cared for and provided with such things as I needed . Being a merchant I sought out men of my own profession , and particularly those who came from foreign countries , as I hoped in this way to hear news from Bagdad , and find out some means of returning thither , for the capital was situated upon the sea - shore , and visited by vessels from all parts of the world . In the meantime I heard many curious things , and answered many questions concerning my own country , for I talked willingly with all who came to me . Also to while away the time of waiting I explored a little island named Cassel , which belonged to King Mihrage , and which was supposed to be inhabited by a spirit named Deggial . Indeed , the sailors assured me that often at night the playing of timbals could be heard upon it . However , I saw nothing strange upon my voyage , saving some fish that were full two hundred cubits long , but were fortunately more in dread of us than even we were of them , and fled from us if we did but strike upon a board to frighten them . Other fishes there were only a cubit long which had heads like owls . One day after my return , as I went down to the quay , I saw a ship which had just cast anchor , and was discharging her cargo , while the merchants to whom it belonged were busily directing the removal of it to their warehouses . Drawing nearer I presently noticed that my own name was marked upon some of the packages , and after having carefully examined them , I felt sure that they were indeed those which I had put on board our ship at Balsora . I then recognised the captain of the vessel , but as I was certain that he believed me to be dead , I went up to him and asked who owned the packages that I was looking at . " There was on board my ship , " he replied , " a merchant of Bagdad named Sindbad . One day he and several of my other passengers landed upon what we supposed to be an island , but which was really an enormous whale floating asleep upon the waves . No sooner did it feel upon its back the heat of the fire which had been kindled , than it plunged into the depths of the sea . Several of the people who were upon it perished in the waters , and among others this unlucky Sindbad . This merchandise is his , but I have resolved to dispose of it for the benefit of his family if I should ever chance to meet with them . " When the captain heard these words he cried out in amazement , " Lackaday ! and what is the world coming to ? In these days there is not an honest man to be met with . Did I not with my own eyes see Sindbad drown , and now you have the audacity to tell me that you are he ! I should have taken you to be a just man , and yet for the sake of obtaining that which does not belong to you , you are ready to invent this horrible falsehood . " Throwing himself upon my neck he exclaimed , " Heaven be praised that you have escaped from so great a danger . As to your goods , I pray you take them , and dispose of them as you please . " I thanked him , and praised his honesty , begging him to accept several bales of merchandise in token of my gratitude , but he would take nothing . Of the choicest of my goods I prepared a present for King Mihrage , who was at first amazed , having known that I had lost my all . However , when I had explained to him how my bales had been miraculously restored to me , he graciously accepted my gifts , and in return gave me many valuable things . I then took leave of him , and exchanging my merchandise for sandal and aloes wood , camphor , nutmegs , cloves , pepper , and ginger , I embarked upon the same vessel and traded so successfully upon our homeward voyage that I arrived in Balsora with about one hundred thousand sequins . My family received me with as much joy as I felt upon seeing them once more . I bought land and slaves , and built a great house in which I resolved to live happily , and in the enjoyment of all the pleasures of life to forget my past sufferings . Once upon a time , there lived a Tiger in a forest . With the passing years , he became too old to hunt . One day , the Tiger was walking by the side of a lake and suddenly , a gold bangle came across his sight . Quickly he picked up the bangle and thought that he could use it as an allure to catch someone . As he was under the thought process , a traveler happened to pass through the opposite side of the lake . The Tiger instantly thought to himself , " What a delicious meal he would make ? " He planned a scheme to attract the traveler . He held the bangle in his paw making it visible to the traveler and said , " Would you like to take this gold bangle . I don 't require it " . At once , the traveler wanted to take the bangle , but he hesitated to go near the Tiger . He knew that it was risky , yet he sought the Gold Bangle . He planned to be cautious , so he asked the Tiger , " How can I believe you ? I know you are a beast and would kill me " . The Clever Tiger innocently said , " Listen Traveler , in my youth , I was wicked unquestionably , but now I have changed myself . With the advice of a Sanyasi , I have left all evil . Now I am all alone in this world and have engaged myself in kind deeds . Moreover , I have grown old . I have no teeth and my claws are blunt . So , there is no need to fear from me " . The traveler 's was taken in by this smart talk and his love for gold soon overcame his fear of the Tiger . He jumped into the lake to wade across the Tiger . But as per the plan of the Tiger , he got trapped in the marsh . On seeing this , the Tiger consoled him and said , " Oh ! You need not worry . I 'll help you " . Gradually he came towards the traveler and seized him . As the traveler was being dragged out , onto the bank , he thought to himself , " Oh ! This beast 's talk of saintliness took me in totally . A beast is always a beast . If only I had not let my greed overcome my reason , I could be alive " . However , it was too late ; the Tiger killed the traveler and ate him up . Like this , the traveler became victim of greed and Tiger was successful in his evil plan . The ta ' am ( melody ) that the Torah is chanted in is a very old and special melody . It has been handed down from generation to generation . Its ' roots are very deep . They are found in the mystical teachings of our religion . Some times people want to be innovative , to create a new melody . The following story is just that . Once there was a secularist who was very good friends with the Rav of the city . Even though this secularist differed in opinion from his traditionally observant friends , he still visited his old friend , the city Rav , on a regular weekly basis . On one visit , the secularist , began to complain to the Rav about the unchanging ways of the Traditional Jewry . " … And why can 't they update the tune to which the Torah is chanted ? " the secularist objected . " how many years can you continue with the same old tune ? Especially today when so many new and beautiful musical tunes and melodies are being brought into the world by inventive and creative composers . Answer me that ! " he demanded of the Rav . " I 'll have to think about it . Maybe you have a point . Perhaps next week I 'll be able to answer you , but for now could you do me a big favor ? I 'm short of money and if you could loan me 50 rubles , I 'll pay you back next week . " " Of course , " the secularist said , honored that the Rav would ask him for a loan . He reached into his purse , " here , take this ! " He handed over the money that the Rav requested . The next week the secularist came at his customary tea time and sat with the Rav , chatting amicably in the parlor . As the time pressed on , the secularist felt uncomfortable because the Rav had not offered to return him the money that he had lent to him so willingly and with out a note . Finally as the secularist began to leave , he turned to the Rav and said : " Pardon me for bringing this up , but did the Rav not promise to return today the 50 rubles that he borrowed from me last week ? " Yes ! How can you deny the good deed I did , loaning you the money . Don 't you remember we were chatting about the same old tune that has been used for the Torah reading for so many years ? You said perhaps you would give me an answer this week and then you asked to borrow 50 rubles . And now you deny it ! Top Posts & Pages The Story of Isis and Osiris ( Egyptian Mythology ) Hum Tum ( Cartoon Strips ) The 99 Club ( Wisdom ) The Wood - cutter and God ( Humor ) Two men and a donkey ( Sufi ) My Get - up - and - Go has Got - up and Went ! ( Poem ) Meera bai ( Hindu ) Phikul Thong ( Folktales from Thailand - 1 ) Don 't hope , Decide ! ( Inspirational ) Two Frogs in Milk ( Inspirational ) Blog at WordPress . com . |
Wow . . . what an incredibly fun week we had at Teen Girls ' Horse Camp ! The twins and I arrived at camp as scheduled around 3 p . m . , Monday afternoon . I was glad to be there as the campers got there , as I could try to start learning their names right away . Since it was a specialized camp , there were only 8 girls attending . I was assigned the " older " group , 5 of the girls , and the other three , who were already friends , were assigned to the other Counsellor , Ashley , a college student , and friend of the Greene 's who is helping out for the summer . The after everyone and all their luggage and paraphernalia were shuffled over to the cabin , we had our first ride . Unfortunately , I didn 't get to ride as much this week , as all the horses I would have felt comfortable riding were taken most days . However , I could help tack up , and do ground work , so I still spent my days around horses , and all that entails . The first thing we did was go to a couple of fields . We split up the group into two , and the a lady that was hired to help , Denise , took one , and Mr . Greene took the other . We were in adjacent fields . At first I helped Denise , but Mrs . Greene called down to ask for Mr . Greene , so I went over to the other field . He came back a few moments later , and as we were chit chatting , one of the horse , Sonny , bucked and the poor girl , Hannah , did a fall that looked like Superman flying , off into the thistles . Ouch . She was fine , just a bit sore , and Heather Greene , who knows the horses very well , said that he would only do that once , and she should be fine . Well , he was still acting a little strangely , and on the trail ride after supper , Heather said she would ride him to see what the matter was . Mr . Greene and I didn 't go with them , but Denise did . The girls got back and I heard some excited talking , telling of something that happened . When I got to the group Heather was already off Sonny , and moaning , and said , " I biffed it . " In horse terms that means she fell off . In this case she was bucked off . In the rock quarry . However , Sonny must have a thing for thistles , because guess where she landed ? It was probably better that way . However , she did hurt her finger when coming off the horse , and I had to tape it all week . She thinks it might be broken , but it is hard to tell . The very next morning , she slipped on the stairs to the cabin , and yes , she did a very graceful sliding and bouncing down most of the long flight . I was thinking , " This is going to be a long week . " There were many more minor injuries . . . scratches from briers , headaches , etc . , but let me tell you , these girls can take a beating ! And they all had excellent attitudes about it ! No ones likes injury , but they could all laugh about it good naturedly . Tuesday night the Heritage Singers were back in town , and we all loaded up on the bus and took off to the church to go to the meeting . It happened to be the one about a mile from our house , so Dale and the rest of the kids were there . I hate to say it , but I was VERY tempted to just spend the night at home , but didn 't give into it . I think they would have noticed if a counselor was missing ! After services we stayed late at the church and played volleyball with the group . There were six of them against a gaggle of us , and we still lost ! That 's okay . We got back late , and Mrs . Greene opened the Snack Shack , which is when the campers can buy some snacks or a special drink like Snapple or Gatorade , or a soda , before hitting the cabins . I was yawning , looking forward to doing the end of the day devotions with my girls , then hitting the bed , and hard . My girls were just heading over across to the cabin , and I was about to follow them out when Mr . Greene said , " Hey , Mrs . Post , would you like to do the morning devotions tomorrow ? " I was glad to , but maybe next time he could make it a little more last minute , eh ? So , after night devotions with the girls and praying with them , I studied for a bit , and then hit the rack . Okay , / my notes the next morning made NO sense to me whatsoever . I had a couple of verses written down that had nothing to do with what I was talking about . However , my speaking went well enough I think , and I was very grateful for the comfortable atmosphere that the camp provides . Wednesday afternoon we all headed up a very long trail , some of the horses laden with saddle bags , full of food for supper , and our sleeping bags , etc . We we passed some narrow trails , and through a wicked brier patch that nearly tore the pants of our legs . Girls not wearing something on their legs suffered some punishment , which I had to put ointment on once we got to our camp up on the mountain . I was having some trouble with my dear friend Shadow . We got to this fallen log and she did not want to step over it , and once she stopped , I couldn 't get her going at all . I got off and tugged and pulled and yanked . Finally one of the girls who were waiting in line behind me slapped Shadow on her rear and . . . . she almost moved ! We did finally convince her to go around the tree , and once we got on the other side I figured she would be fine . Nope . Meanwhile , most of the group was waiting ahead for us to catch up . After much coercion she finally got going . For a bit . When we got to a very small creek she balked and wouldn 't go . She hates to get her hooves wet , I know , but come on horse ! You can step right over the thing ! I got off again . More tugging , pulling , begging , threatening , bribing , praying even , and slapping on the rear . She finally got over it , and we were off at a very slow paced walk , but at least we were moving . The rest of the ride was fine , even through the brier patch . But this horse eats practically every leaf and fern she can get , and while she is eating , she isn 't paying attention and practically trips over her own shadow . I decided that was how she got her name , and that it had nothing to do with her sleek , black coat . Some of the girls wanted to take their horses on a run ( there was a dirt road for gas workers access we had passed just before reentering the woods to the camp site where they could do that ) but I declined . Mr . Greene started a fire , and Ashley and I kept an eye on it and gathered wood for the evening . Mr . Greene took off on foot . . . he could cross over a different way that would have been too hard for the horses and make good time . He was back in under a couple of hours . He had dropped the tent off where the girls were running the horses and they toted it back for him . But , the fun had already started . Just as he left , one of the horses slipped the knot on their lead rope and took off after the girls when they rode off . He had been ridden by one of the girls , and I think when she went off on Ashley 's horse , he wanted to go with her ! Ashley said she would get him , and she did . We thought we could settle down , and we kind of exhaled in relief and continued breaking up branches for wood . Well , think again . Prince ( Mr . Greene 's horse ) slipped his halter and took off . Both Ashley and I moved to go find him . We decided we would spook him if we both went , and someone needed to watch the fire ( please , no forest fires on my watch ! ) so she went again . Time went by and Mr . Greene came back and observed , " We lose someone ? " I thought he was talking about Ashley , but maybe he was referring to Prince . I could hear the girls coming back , and sure enough Ashley and Prince were with them . He probably just wanted in on the fun they were having . We grilled burgers over the open fire , and they were so good . The girls ' were ravenous and ate everything but a smattering of cheetoh 's and graham crackers . We made s ' mores later , and had devotions around the fire . Around 10 : 30 or so we went to bed . It was a beautiful clear night , cool , and we were on a bed of moss . A few of the girls opted to sleep out in the open , and since Mr . Greene was out there , that was fine . He tended the fire and kept eye on things . I think he was hoping to get some sleep , but that was not to be . Horses . They definitely have minds of their own . I could hear all sorts of snorting from time to time , munching , that isn 't a problem . Titan , the big , old , guy , about 17 hands or so , apparently ate through his lead rope and took off to party elsewhere a little before midnight . Prince slipped his halter again , and was freaking out at the tree he was at , so Mr . Greene moved him . He then proceed to wrap the rope , and himself around the tree , and then YANKED the tree right up by the roots . Mr . Greene finally got him settled but a little too close to another horse who he kept nipping at , and then proceeded to move him again . Good thing there were alot of trees around ! Then at some point during the night , Ginger go the rope totally tangled up around her neck , and flipped herself . Mr . Greene said she could have strangled by morning , but of course he wouldn 't have let that happen . So , between retrieving Prince , rescuing Ginger , and hiking around the area looking for Titan , he didn 't get much sleep . I woke up very early to the horses do their early morning whinnying . It was barely light out , and the birds were just starting to chirp . Later , Mr . Greene told us the birds start chirping around 5 a . m . this time of year . That comes into play later , so keep reading , and take heart , there is an end to all of this at some point . At a little after 8 he woke us up . We feasted on leftover cheetohs , Graham crackers , and a few marshmallows , and water . Nutritious , eh ? Our plan was to be back at camp for a brunch , so we didn 't bring anything for breakfast . The girls moved like molasses in the winter . They were so tired , and sore from the long ride the day before and the sundry accidents and tumbles . I felt sorry for them . We gradually got moving . The tent came down , was packed up , and we tacked up the horses , and tried to figure out who was riding who , since Titan was MIA . I opted to hike . I 'm used to it , and it was downhill most of the way , but I wasn 't looking forward to going through the briers , but there was nothing to do for it . We repacked the saddle bags and luggage , and were just mounting up when Mr . Greene , who again had to retrieve Prince , called from about a hundred yards away , " Guess who I found ! ? " Apparently Titan had left the area , and then come back at some point during the night , and never made it all the way back to camp because he got distracted by the yummy ferns covering the area . I was very glad to see him as that meant I got Shadow back , and I could ride up on a horse , rather than walk through the briers . They would have been about up to my shoulders . That also meant some redistribution of all the stuff we had already loaded . Titan was the horse that carried most of the saddle bags . They didn 't bother him a bit , as so he got to haul a great deal of the stuff up . Shadow , proving how worthless she is for such jobs , was freaking out at my sleeping bag towards the beginning of the the trip the previous day and one of my girls ended up taking it with her . Bless her for that ! Off we went . We weren 't far into the trail when I realized Shadow was being a pill and a half . She sped up her gait but too much . I didn 't want to ram the person in front of me . Some horse take great offense to that and kick . Not too nice for the horse behind them . I 'll spare the details , but she went into a rebellious fit . Treed me , threw her head around , snorting and sighing and being very nudgey . We got through the briers fine , and I fought her for a bit , but I was tired , and put out with her . A little ways up the trail Mr . Greene dismounted Prince , took his bridle off , and was going up to where he parked the tractor . He took the tent , which Heather was just carrying . It was heavy , and he had the grate we grilled on as well . Everything else was lashed down well so it didn 't matter it was on the horses . I followed suit . I asked if I could walk Shadow the rest of the way , and he said , " Sure , but you can just take her bridle off . She 'll follow you guys . " So I did , and I hiked the rest of the way back to camp . That little snot stayed in line as happy as you please , stopping to eat and holding us up from time to time , but basically calmed down . I was tempted to bridle her back up and ride her again , but the group had already been helWe got the horses comfortable and then ate our brunch . We then went back and took showers , and had a couple of hours of free time . Some of the girls wanted to go down the water slide . This is a 250 foot slide down the hill into a pond . I didn 't partake for a few reasons . One , I was bushed , but was glad to help with the slide , turning the valve off and on while Mr . Greene kept a eye on the pump at the bottom of the hill which had been acting a little temperamental . Also , I had JUST gotten all freshened up , nice and clean , right out of the shower . Pond water is . . . well , dirty . I 've got no real problem with that other than at that moment I wasn 't looking to take another shower . Thirdly . . . the water was FRIGID ! How those girls stood it I don 't know . As soon as they jumped in the pond they practically turned blue . But I enjoyed watching them ! I wish I had a video of the last run . There were four of them , on three inner tubes . One in the front , two in the middle , and one on the back . They went down like that previously and it was a good run . But this time , not so much . The girl in the front squitched off the the runway and as soon as she did that things went from bad to worse . They all tumbled and landed at the bottom of the slide in a heap , laughing and hooting and hollering , and never did hit the water . Also , I heard later , they ran over a snake . Ew ! After that the girls ' were due in the corral for some ring work . They were practicing some tricks for a rodeo we were doing for the parents Friday night . Friday morning I woke up early . It was barely light out , and the birds were just beginning to chirp . I remembered what Mr . Greene had told us about what time it was , and decided to go to sleep . Breakfast had been put off until 8 : 30 that morning , giving the girls some time to catch up on some sleep . They must have been pretty pathetic looking when we got back Thursday from our trail ride and overnight camping ! I closed my eyes thinking I would get up around 7 as usual , but the next thing I knew Ashley was walking through our side of the cabin saying cheerily , " Wake up girls ! It 's 8 : 22 . Breakfast is in 8 minutes ! " I flew out of bed and hastily tried to get the girls moving . Suffice it to say we rolled into the dining hall around 9 or so . Close enough , I guess . We still had plenty of time to eat before that morning 's trail ride . I was actually looking forward to it . It was about a 5 mile ride through the mountain trail on the other side of the camp , and I had been hearing how gorgeous it was , and not near so arduous of a trail as the one we had just done . I was about to go get Shadow , when passing through the Dining Hall to get the med kit to tape up Heather 's finger again , I saw Ashley . She didn 't seem to be going anywhere . So I asked , " Who are you riding this morning ? " Thinking if she wanted Shadow I would use Ginger , whom I had been observing all week and thought I could handle her easily enough . " Oh , I 'm not riding . " " But it 's the last day ! " Still she declined . Then I had an idea . " Well , if you are too sore to ride , then why don 't you hike ? " She was already shaking her head , so I quickly added , " I 'll hike with you . It 'll be fun ! " It took some begging and pleading , but she finally agreed . I really thought as a counselor herself she would want to spend the time with her girls , but just didn 't want to be the odd man out . I helped tack up the horses , then we all went through the lunch line to make our sandwiches and pack goodies into the brown paper bags , labeled our names , packed the saddle bags , then we were off . We went up some beautiful venues , and had a nice picnic lunch at the top of the hill . Most of the horses ground tie , but when they saw us eating , they were like seagulls , coming by , sniffing and making general nuisances of themselves . Denise ended up having to share part of her sandwich because , well , she is just a nice lady . The rest of us didn 't give up a bit . We found ourselves , once again , ravenous . The lunch I had packed seemed huge to me , but I managed to inhale it in record time ! It was a wonderful hike , but there was a slight mishap . No injuries . . . at least not to any humans . During a run up a wide trail . . . looked like a four wheeling trail . . . . Titan got hurt . He got to the top , then simple refused to walk another step . Katie , the girl riding tried everything . I was walking with her , and I tugged and she whipped him with the reins ( not cruelly , by the way , just to nudge him ) and I slapped his rear until my hand hurt . We tried to entice him with grass . After a while , the others who had run ahead to the top of the next knoll , and were waiting for us , realized we weren 't coming . Denise came back , and put her horse ( Cruiser . . . another one I 'd like to ride . . . he 's a sweetheart from what I can tell ) and right behind Titan and tried to push him forward while we tugged on the reins from the ground . He didn 't budge an inch . Then Mr . Greene showed up on Liberty ( who can be a brat , but that is another story that will have to wait for another time ) and they both tried to push with their horse . But Titan simply would not move . Now , this was not just being ornery . Something must have been wrong . If he was being ornery , then he would have kicked or bucked at the horses behind him . Mr . Greene checked his feet , but there wasn 't anything in them . He thought maybe he was just tired . It had been a long week , and Titan had never done trail work before this year . And , he is 20 ! That 's pretty old for a horse . So , he gave Liberty to Hannah , and said he would give Titan some time , then try to lead him back down the path we originally and come . Maybe he would recognize it as going home and he would move . Let me tell you , if a 1200 pound horse doesn 't want to move , there ain 't no moving him . Denise , Katie and I went on to meet up with the others , and the rest of the hike / ride went well . Liberty and I played a little game . Apparently she doesn 't like to be dead last in the trail line . I was walking next to her ( Heather had hollered to me to walk by Liberty in case she starts acting like a brat as is her wont to do ) but Liberty would see me at her shoulder then walk closer and closer until I had no choice but to step aside and get behind her . I would do that , then come up on the other side . I could see her eyeing me the whole time . The game went on and one . It was so funny ! I think my distracting her with a game helped her keep from getting all " bratty " and Heather says . We got back to the camp , and Mr . Greene wasn 't back . Not a good sign , but then again , if he had let Titan rest , he could be a while . Mrs . Greene wasn 't there either , but we had some marching orders . First off , the horses needed a rest , so we took their bridles off , but left saddles on , loosed , as in a while the girls would be doing corral work . While the horses were resting and eating some well - earned hay , we went back to the cabin and got all our sleeping bags rolled up , clothes packed , and trash thrown out , etc . They had outfits for the rodeo ( plaid shirts and jeans or culottes ) and we were also doing a costume contest . Oh , guess who was the rodeo clown ? The last thing we did was a little skit . One of the girls was in a wolf costume . She would howl , and then another girl came riding in and yelled , " There 's that big bad wolf ! " Then there was a chase around with the girls , ending in the wolf dying . I , in my very colorful clown outfit , came out in the middle of the ring , and pointed and laughed at the wolf . The girls then turn to me and say , " Get the clown ! " and then they chased me ( on foot , in sneakers that were about 6 sized too big for me ! ) around the ring . Of course I didn 't just run , I did a funny , weird , exaggerated run , hooting and hollering and tearing around . How I get talked into these things I 'll never know ! I brought my camera with me to camp , but kept forgetting to grab it ! Plus I was mortally afraid I would lose it on a trail or drop in the ring or lose it in the barn and a sheep would eat it . I finally got to taking some pictures on Thursday after our overnight camping trip during some free time . We were in the hay loft of the barn , also known as the game room there at the camp . This is one of the new kittens , Spitfire , and apparently she likes the pockets in the pool table . Tired Campers ! Thursday night we had a bonfire . We sang , and had devotions and fellowship . Then it was Snack Shack time , and to our cabins . This is called a keyhole . Most of the Greene 's horse have at least part Arabian in them , and they are skittish . They hate the white boundaries , even if they are just chalk lines . But King here did a great job ! This pic is from a previous day when they were practicing . To finish up the saga about Titan , Mr . Greene spent all afternoon trying to get Titan down from the hill . He simply wouldn 't budge . After another inspection , Mr . Greene thinks that he bruised a hoof running up that rocky four wheeling path . Poor thing ! He ended up having to take the tractor up , and the chain saw to clear the way , then come back and get the trailer for the horse . Then he went back up , and Titan had moved , which was good , but unfortunately , Mr . Greene then had to hike around to find him . Thankfully he didn 't go too far . He brought Titan back just as the rodeo was starting , got him off the trailer and let him graze until we were done , then managed to get him in the corral . Anyway , Katie here , on Titan , doing bridge work . That might not seem like a big deal , but many horses , especially Arabians , are very wary of a change of sound under their feet . Several of the horses have been trained to go over that bridge before they can do trail work . The main trail , you have to go over a wooden bridge to cross a creek . I 've never seen any of them have any trouble , to the Greene 's credit . Horses can be a little jumpy with mailboxes for some reason . Here they had to get the mail . Sometimes easier said than done . Especially when the front sticks shut ! There is our week in a nutshell , at least at camp . Dale ran the show here at home , and got quite a bit done on the " To Do " list . He found a second vehicle , checked it out , and we are now getting paperwork in order so we can go up and get it . Thankfully it is just in Olean . I was afraid we 'd end up having to travel for hours to get what we needed ! He also has been editing a book for me . I already went through it once , actually twice , and he is going through it a third time . After some final tweaking , " Isotope " will be sent out to a publisher . This week is Boys ' Adventure Camp week , and I 'll be dropping Josiah and Caleb off at 4pm . It will seem strange not having to stay there , but I 'm glad . I 've got a ton of stuff to do here at home ! It is so good to be in my own bed , in in my own shower , and able to see the family every day . Starting in July I 'll be gone about three weeks in a row between camp and my training for school . I 'll be glad when July is over and we can breath a bit before school starts ! That 's it for now . Reward yourself with something nice if you made it through this whole thing . If not , well , give yourself a consolation prize . This has been a hideously long post ! We 've been all over the place this week , it seems to me ! At the beginning of the week we had Horse Day Camp , which was already posted about . On Wednesday , Benjamin was off for Wilderness Camp . They hiked up a river here , around 21 miles in all , then on Saturday canoed for about 6 hours back towards camp . Benjamin had a wonderful time , and got a sunburn to prove it . I think he is recovered now , after a good night 's sleep at home in his own bed . Meanwhile , the rest of us took off for New York to visit my mother - in - law . My brother - in - law and his family were there , from Virginia . We only see them about once a year , and we knew if we didn 't get up there , we would miss this year , and have to wait until next summer . We left after Prayer Meeting Wednesday night , and got in around midnight . The trip was uneventful , despite some deer along the road , but thankfully not darting out in front of us . We were planning on visiting the Thousand Islands on Thursday , in which case you 'd see some pics right about here . However , a major storm blew in , dumped several inches of rain and then blew out later in the afternoon . No matter , as the kids took care of the entertainment ! They prepared a couple of skits . I started while we were waiting for the performance to begin by taking some snap shots of Josiah . You can sort of get the gist of what was going on by the expressions on his face . Silly boy ! The cast , minus Ryan who bugged out when he learned they were actually doing this in front of us adults , and though Isaac , the ham bone was in the picture , he did NOT take part of the play . He is just a camera hog . Friday was bright and warm . A perfect day for working in the garden . Darrell , Dale 's younger brother , was using the old cultivator to get up some weeds . See Isaac at the bottom right corner watching ? After lunch on Friday , we went to the Carousel Mall in Syracuse to meet up with some friends , Of course we had to ride the carousel ! ( Twice , for us kids . Ahem . ) BTW . . the girl in the green and black is Beka , a good friend of the twins ' . She is going to Girls ' Adventure Camp with the girls , the first week of July . Beka , years ago started to learn the harp , but her interest faded , and it has just sat in the house for a couple years . They are moving to Florida this summer , and thus downsizing . When my friend , Amy asked if I wanted her harp , I was happy to take it off her hands . I 've wanted to learn how to play for a while . Now I have to figure out how to tune it , play it , take care of it ! Thank the Lord for YouTube ! The Finger Lakes area has many Mennonite and Amish families farming there . We see them frequently , and I finally decided to take a picture . I know they travel the roads all the time , but I would be nervous with the trucks and cars whizzing by at 60 m . p . h . ! We 've had a busy - ish day , today . We had services , then a Fellowship dinner , then the afternoon service . I 've been doing laundry since we got home Saturday , and making a new pair of culottes for myself for next week . When we got home from church , I was whooped , and took a nap , despite it being late in the afternoon . After , we gave Dale his Father 's day cards , and his gift . From what I can tell this is called a Gentleman 's Chair . I think Dale was pleased with it ! I found it at a yard sale about a month ago . It wasn 't easy to hide it all this time ! The rest of the afternoon I have spent sewing . I finished my culottes for camp , and made this little project carrier . I made it from THIS tutorial . the Altoids tin is perfect for putting storing some sewing supplies . That is it for now ! Esther , Elizabeth and I are packing our bags again . We have to be back up to camp by 3 tomorrow afternoon . They are helping in the kitchen , and I 'll be counselling . It 's Teen Girls ' Horse camp until Friday . Looks like it is back in the saddle . . . all week ! I hope my hips can take it ! LOL Even in the midst of a crazy busy schedule , I like to take time to read to Isaac . This morning after I finished my Bible reading and was enjoying a second cup of coffee . . . my first somewhat leisurely cup all week . . . . Isaac came downstairs and with an irresistible grin said , " Mama , will you read this to me ? " . So we snuggled up in the recliner and read about Curious George in the library . After we were through , Isaac decided to make a Lego version of Curious George with a stack of books . Granted it is somewhat of an abstract art , but you can see the resemblance right down to the the lock of hair on George 's head . After breakfast and some packing for our trip to NY , I finished up the girls ' swimsuits . They seem well pleased with them . Oh , Esther 's hair is wet , but not because she was swimming . She had just gotten out of the shower . I love the colors in her swim suit ! Elizabeth 's is very logical for her , as she is always blending into the background or out of sight to read . Benjamin is dropped off at camp , though they aren 't actually starting the hike until tomorrow evening due to a nasty storm going through this area tomorrow during the day . " They " say that we are supposed to get at least 2 inches of rain , and winds up to 100 m . p . h . ! So , after I got back , we battened down the hatches around here . We won 't be around , so we wanted to make sure the house was secure before we leave later this evening . So it has been about 6 or 7 weeks or so since my last post . Since then we have finished school , and got through all the evaluations . These are the kids ' portfolios . Yup , the whole stack . Aren 't you glad you aren 't our evaluator ? Over Memorial Day weekend we had the opportunity to meet up with some good friends of ours while they were camping , at a camp ground , in the next town over from our house . It was fun to go up and make s ' mores and fellowship . I would have had some pictures of our older kids playing , but they were all over the place , and anytime they saw Mrs . G or I , ran like a bunch of lunatics in the opposite direction . I 've been trying to get some sewing done as well . This is a wonderful quilt pattern that I have been using lately . This top , pictured , is now completely pieced , sandwiched , basted , and ready to quilt . Now just to find the time to do it ! These are several quilt tops ready to be quilted , some fabric I have to make Jerusha a nightgown , and a partial bolt of blue fabric for making culottes for the girls . Elizabeth made these " skinny meatloaf cupcakes " one day . They were delicious ! The base is meatloaf , and the top is mashed sweet potato . Very filling and nutritious . This is a felted bag I started back last winter , I think , Esther and Elizabeth we working on theirs . I had finished the knitting and the felting a while back , then got sidetracked as I considered the strap and if I wanted lining in it . The fabric in the strap I love . The pic really doesn 't do the colors justice . I intend to use it as a small project bag . As you can see from the pic above , I can knit right from it , yarn in the bag , and instructions , etc . The strap was a little wider than I needed , but overall , I am ridiculously pleased with it . Here I made some swim shorts for Benjamin . He chose the fabric . And he realllllly wanted a pocked , which I did add . I also made Jerusha a swim outfit . She has such a pretty smile . Too bad she didn 't give me one for this picture ! Trust me , she was very pleased with the swim " dress " . I 'm just about finished with Esther and Elizabeth 's swim suits . Why all the rush for the swim suits ? Oh , didn 't I tell you what we bought the kids for their birthday bash ? A Pool ! Oh yes , 24 foot by 52 inches of wonderful water . However , some excavating has been necessary . Somehow the kids seemed very motivated to help clear the area . We had the Birthday bash June 1st . That was fun ! We had a pinata for the kids , a cookout , and a MAJOR water gun / balloon fight that would have made my dad proud . Within the first 10 minutes I was totally , utterly , undeniable drenched . The cake was made by a neighbor who is good at such things . The inside was camouflage ( the theme of the party this year ) and it was soooo yummy ! This summer our lives are basically wrapped up with camp . To help defray the cost of sending 6 or our 7 children to camp a couple of times each , I am volunteering as much as I can , and have gladly volunteered Benjamin , Josiah , Esther , and Elizabeth to help out when they aren 't being campers . The girls will be helping in the kitchen and the boys do whatever Mr . Greene tells them to . So basically , the five of us are owned by God 's Adventure Camp for the next couple of months . Not a bad thing , in my opinion ! This week kicked it off with Horse Day Camp on Monday and Tuesday for 8 to 12 year olds . It was fun ! Each day went from 9 to 5 and the children were taught about the parts of the saddle and bridle , how to groom and care for their horse , to put on the saddle and bridle , and of course , how to ride . I haven 't been on a horse in a while , except for last November , and that wasn 't very long . But after spending two days around the horses , I have to say , I think I am becoming a little addicted . My favorite horse right now is Shadow . She is a sweet thing , and loves to be brushed . She almost fell asleep the first day while I was grooming her . She is very gentle , an little pudgy , but her coat is very sleek . She hates ring work , and I spent most of my time in the ring on her just trying to get her to walk forward . I think she believes it is beneath her . On the trail , she is wonderful . When she isn 't trying to eat every single leaf in sight , and snapping twigs back in my face and soaking me from the recent rain . . . but that is another story . She is most definitely my favorite . Jerusha and Caleb both joined in on the fun , and Jerusha fell in love with her horse , Pippy . Caleb had some struggles with Sun Dancer . Now if you remember , Sun Dancer was the one I struggled with back in November . I think he did a much better job with him than I did ! Just look at that face ! She was up at O ' darkthirty Monday and Tuesday mornings chomping at the bit to get to camp . ( Yeah , that pun was unfortunately intended . Sorry . ) Too bad she wasn 't exciCaleb on Sun Dancer in the ring . Yes , we fixed his helmet . I didn 't get any trail rides because I was on them , and didn 't take the camera with me . Jerusha on Pippy ( right ) and one of the other campers . This girl was at most 4 and a half feet tall . She is riding Titan , who is almost 17 hands ! He is really just a big baby , though . She did wonderfully on him . The Heritage Singers were at camp both days for devotions and they sang and played and it was a blessing to hear them . On Monday night , after a day at camp , we attended the church they were singing at , which also happens to be the same church that the Christian school is in . After the service , they allowed the kids to try some of their instruments . At first this kind lady let Isaac just try the little mouth piece . After he got some squawk out of it he looked at her in wonder and said , " There 's a duck in there ! " Then she put the trumpet together . You know what ? That little bugger actually got some respectable sound out of it ! ( And to you grandparents who are thinking about , " Oh , let 's buy him one " . . . . FORGET IT ! You know who you are . ) Caleb really took to it ! I was kidding around with Mrs . Greene , who does the music stuff at school , wondering if the band had a trumpet player , and she said , " Oh , I have a trumpet he can borrow for the summer to play with ! " I laughed . I shouldn 't have . We left later with her trumpet , in its case , in Caleb 's hand . Unfortunately she forgot to include the earplugs . : / This was at camp today . This is Rodney . He is play a Ukaline ( I 'm not sure of the spelling on that ) that belongs to the Greenes . It is a very pretty instrument , and very unusual . Oh I almost forgot . During the services Monday night , each of the Heritage team members introduced themselves then gave an interesting fact about themselves . Rodney 's was that he could frown and smile at the same time . Then he said he wasn 't going to do it right then , but would show anyone who asked after service . Oh yeah , I asked . Tomorrow we drop Benjamin off to camp for Wilderness week , which actually only goes until Saturday . Meantime , the rest of us are skipping town going up to visit my mother in law in NY , and also my brother in law and his family . We haven 't seen them in a very long time , and it will be good to see them again . After we return Saturday , it is a mad dash to get ready for Sunday , and then Monday , the twins and I are off to camp . This time it is Teen Horse Camp , and we 'll be gone all week . I 'll be a counsellor , and the girls will be helping with the kitchen work and whatever else they are needed to do . I know this post was long and picture heavy , but if you could see all the pictures I didn 't add in , you 'd think twice about that opinion . Hopefully , the next post won 't be so long , as I hope to update once a week on the weekends . We have LOTS going on this summer , and lots of adventures ahead of us ! Have a blessed evening ! Welcome to the BeehiveBuzz ! We are a busy family of nine , trying to learn and grow about the Lord . We make mistakes , we laugh , we fight , we make up . . . in short , we are just like everyone else ! I hope this blog can be an encouragement and a blessing to all who read it . Thanks for visiting ! |
Wow . . . what an incredibly fun week we had at Teen Girls ' Horse Camp ! The twins and I arrived at camp as scheduled around 3 p . m . , Monday afternoon . I was glad to be there as the campers got there , as I could try to start learning their names right away . Since it was a specialized camp , there were only 8 girls attending . I was assigned the " older " group , 5 of the girls , and the other three , who were already friends , were assigned to the other Counsellor , Ashley , a college student , and friend of the Greene 's who is helping out for the summer . The after everyone and all their luggage and paraphernalia were shuffled over to the cabin , we had our first ride . Unfortunately , I didn 't get to ride as much this week , as all the horses I would have felt comfortable riding were taken most days . However , I could help tack up , and do ground work , so I still spent my days around horses , and all that entails . The first thing we did was go to a couple of fields . We split up the group into two , and the a lady that was hired to help , Denise , took one , and Mr . Greene took the other . We were in adjacent fields . At first I helped Denise , but Mrs . Greene called down to ask for Mr . Greene , so I went over to the other field . He came back a few moments later , and as we were chit chatting , one of the horse , Sonny , bucked and the poor girl , Hannah , did a fall that looked like Superman flying , off into the thistles . Ouch . She was fine , just a bit sore , and Heather Greene , who knows the horses very well , said that he would only do that once , and she should be fine . Well , he was still acting a little strangely , and on the trail ride after supper , Heather said she would ride him to see what the matter was . Mr . Greene and I didn 't go with them , but Denise did . The girls got back and I heard some excited talking , telling of something that happened . When I got to the group Heather was already off Sonny , and moaning , and said , " I biffed it . " In horse terms that means she fell off . In this case she was bucked off . In the rock quarry . However , Sonny must have a thing for thistles , because guess where she landed ? It was probably better that way . However , she did hurt her finger when coming off the horse , and I had to tape it all week . She thinks it might be broken , but it is hard to tell . The very next morning , she slipped on the stairs to the cabin , and yes , she did a very graceful sliding and bouncing down most of the long flight . I was thinking , " This is going to be a long week . " There were many more minor injuries . . . scratches from briers , headaches , etc . , but let me tell you , these girls can take a beating ! And they all had excellent attitudes about it ! No ones likes injury , but they could all laugh about it good naturedly . Tuesday night the Heritage Singers were back in town , and we all loaded up on the bus and took off to the church to go to the meeting . It happened to be the one about a mile from our house , so Dale and the rest of the kids were there . I hate to say it , but I was VERY tempted to just spend the night at home , but didn 't give into it . I think they would have noticed if a counselor was missing ! After services we stayed late at the church and played volleyball with the group . There were six of them against a gaggle of us , and we still lost ! That 's okay . We got back late , and Mrs . Greene opened the Snack Shack , which is when the campers can buy some snacks or a special drink like Snapple or Gatorade , or a soda , before hitting the cabins . I was yawning , looking forward to doing the end of the day devotions with my girls , then hitting the bed , and hard . My girls were just heading over across to the cabin , and I was about to follow them out when Mr . Greene said , " Hey , Mrs . Post , would you like to do the morning devotions tomorrow ? " I was glad to , but maybe next time he could make it a little more last minute , eh ? So , after night devotions with the girls and praying with them , I studied for a bit , and then hit the rack . Okay , / my notes the next morning made NO sense to me whatsoever . I had a couple of verses written down that had nothing to do with what I was talking about . However , my speaking went well enough I think , and I was very grateful for the comfortable atmosphere that the camp provides . Wednesday afternoon we all headed up a very long trail , some of the horses laden with saddle bags , full of food for supper , and our sleeping bags , etc . We we passed some narrow trails , and through a wicked brier patch that nearly tore the pants of our legs . Girls not wearing something on their legs suffered some punishment , which I had to put ointment on once we got to our camp up on the mountain . I was having some trouble with my dear friend Shadow . We got to this fallen log and she did not want to step over it , and once she stopped , I couldn 't get her going at all . I got off and tugged and pulled and yanked . Finally one of the girls who were waiting in line behind me slapped Shadow on her rear and . . . . she almost moved ! We did finally convince her to go around the tree , and once we got on the other side I figured she would be fine . Nope . Meanwhile , most of the group was waiting ahead for us to catch up . After much coercion she finally got going . For a bit . When we got to a very small creek she balked and wouldn 't go . She hates to get her hooves wet , I know , but come on horse ! You can step right over the thing ! I got off again . More tugging , pulling , begging , threatening , bribing , praying even , and slapping on the rear . She finally got over it , and we were off at a very slow paced walk , but at least we were moving . The rest of the ride was fine , even through the brier patch . But this horse eats practically every leaf and fern she can get , and while she is eating , she isn 't paying attention and practically trips over her own shadow . I decided that was how she got her name , and that it had nothing to do with her sleek , black coat . Some of the girls wanted to take their horses on a run ( there was a dirt road for gas workers access we had passed just before reentering the woods to the camp site where they could do that ) but I declined . Mr . Greene started a fire , and Ashley and I kept an eye on it and gathered wood for the evening . Mr . Greene took off on foot . . . he could cross over a different way that would have been too hard for the horses and make good time . He was back in under a couple of hours . He had dropped the tent off where the girls were running the horses and they toted it back for him . But , the fun had already started . Just as he left , one of the horses slipped the knot on their lead rope and took off after the girls when they rode off . He had been ridden by one of the girls , and I think when she went off on Ashley 's horse , he wanted to go with her ! Ashley said she would get him , and she did . We thought we could settle down , and we kind of exhaled in relief and continued breaking up branches for wood . Well , think again . Prince ( Mr . Greene 's horse ) slipped his halter and took off . Both Ashley and I moved to go find him . We decided we would spook him if we both went , and someone needed to watch the fire ( please , no forest fires on my watch ! ) so she went again . Time went by and Mr . Greene came back and observed , " We lose someone ? " I thought he was talking about Ashley , but maybe he was referring to Prince . I could hear the girls coming back , and sure enough Ashley and Prince were with them . He probably just wanted in on the fun they were having . We grilled burgers over the open fire , and they were so good . The girls ' were ravenous and ate everything but a smattering of cheetoh 's and graham crackers . We made s ' mores later , and had devotions around the fire . Around 10 : 30 or so we went to bed . It was a beautiful clear night , cool , and we were on a bed of moss . A few of the girls opted to sleep out in the open , and since Mr . Greene was out there , that was fine . He tended the fire and kept eye on things . I think he was hoping to get some sleep , but that was not to be . Horses . They definitely have minds of their own . I could hear all sorts of snorting from time to time , munching , that isn 't a problem . Titan , the big , old , guy , about 17 hands or so , apparently ate through his lead rope and took off to party elsewhere a little before midnight . Prince slipped his halter again , and was freaking out at the tree he was at , so Mr . Greene moved him . He then proceed to wrap the rope , and himself around the tree , and then YANKED the tree right up by the roots . Mr . Greene finally got him settled but a little too close to another horse who he kept nipping at , and then proceeded to move him again . Good thing there were alot of trees around ! Then at some point during the night , Ginger go the rope totally tangled up around her neck , and flipped herself . Mr . Greene said she could have strangled by morning , but of course he wouldn 't have let that happen . So , between retrieving Prince , rescuing Ginger , and hiking around the area looking for Titan , he didn 't get much sleep . I woke up very early to the horses do their early morning whinnying . It was barely light out , and the birds were just starting to chirp . Later , Mr . Greene told us the birds start chirping around 5 a . m . this time of year . That comes into play later , so keep reading , and take heart , there is an end to all of this at some point . At a little after 8 he woke us up . We feasted on leftover cheetohs , Graham crackers , and a few marshmallows , and water . Nutritious , eh ? Our plan was to be back at camp for a brunch , so we didn 't bring anything for breakfast . The girls moved like molasses in the winter . They were so tired , and sore from the long ride the day before and the sundry accidents and tumbles . I felt sorry for them . We gradually got moving . The tent came down , was packed up , and we tacked up the horses , and tried to figure out who was riding who , since Titan was MIA . I opted to hike . I 'm used to it , and it was downhill most of the way , but I wasn 't looking forward to going through the briers , but there was nothing to do for it . We repacked the saddle bags and luggage , and were just mounting up when Mr . Greene , who again had to retrieve Prince , called from about a hundred yards away , " Guess who I found ! ? " Apparently Titan had left the area , and then come back at some point during the night , and never made it all the way back to camp because he got distracted by the yummy ferns covering the area . I was very glad to see him as that meant I got Shadow back , and I could ride up on a horse , rather than walk through the briers . They would have been about up to my shoulders . That also meant some redistribution of all the stuff we had already loaded . Titan was the horse that carried most of the saddle bags . They didn 't bother him a bit , as so he got to haul a great deal of the stuff up . Shadow , proving how worthless she is for such jobs , was freaking out at my sleeping bag towards the beginning of the the trip the previous day and one of my girls ended up taking it with her . Bless her for that ! Off we went . We weren 't far into the trail when I realized Shadow was being a pill and a half . She sped up her gait but too much . I didn 't want to ram the person in front of me . Some horse take great offense to that and kick . Not too nice for the horse behind them . I 'll spare the details , but she went into a rebellious fit . Treed me , threw her head around , snorting and sighing and being very nudgey . We got through the briers fine , and I fought her for a bit , but I was tired , and put out with her . A little ways up the trail Mr . Greene dismounted Prince , took his bridle off , and was going up to where he parked the tractor . He took the tent , which Heather was just carrying . It was heavy , and he had the grate we grilled on as well . Everything else was lashed down well so it didn 't matter it was on the horses . I followed suit . I asked if I could walk Shadow the rest of the way , and he said , " Sure , but you can just take her bridle off . She 'll follow you guys . " So I did , and I hiked the rest of the way back to camp . That little snot stayed in line as happy as you please , stopping to eat and holding us up from time to time , but basically calmed down . I was tempted to bridle her back up and ride her again , but the group had already been helWe got the horses comfortable and then ate our brunch . We then went back and took showers , and had a couple of hours of free time . Some of the girls wanted to go down the water slide . This is a 250 foot slide down the hill into a pond . I didn 't partake for a few reasons . One , I was bushed , but was glad to help with the slide , turning the valve off and on while Mr . Greene kept a eye on the pump at the bottom of the hill which had been acting a little temperamental . Also , I had JUST gotten all freshened up , nice and clean , right out of the shower . Pond water is . . . well , dirty . I 've got no real problem with that other than at that moment I wasn 't looking to take another shower . Thirdly . . . the water was FRIGID ! How those girls stood it I don 't know . As soon as they jumped in the pond they practically turned blue . But I enjoyed watching them ! I wish I had a video of the last run . There were four of them , on three inner tubes . One in the front , two in the middle , and one on the back . They went down like that previously and it was a good run . But this time , not so much . The girl in the front squitched off the the runway and as soon as she did that things went from bad to worse . They all tumbled and landed at the bottom of the slide in a heap , laughing and hooting and hollering , and never did hit the water . Also , I heard later , they ran over a snake . Ew ! After that the girls ' were due in the corral for some ring work . They were practicing some tricks for a rodeo we were doing for the parents Friday night . Friday morning I woke up early . It was barely light out , and the birds were just beginning to chirp . I remembered what Mr . Greene had told us about what time it was , and decided to go to sleep . Breakfast had been put off until 8 : 30 that morning , giving the girls some time to catch up on some sleep . They must have been pretty pathetic looking when we got back Thursday from our trail ride and overnight camping ! I closed my eyes thinking I would get up around 7 as usual , but the next thing I knew Ashley was walking through our side of the cabin saying cheerily , " Wake up girls ! It 's 8 : 22 . Breakfast is in 8 minutes ! " I flew out of bed and hastily tried to get the girls moving . Suffice it to say we rolled into the dining hall around 9 or so . Close enough , I guess . We still had plenty of time to eat before that morning 's trail ride . I was actually looking forward to it . It was about a 5 mile ride through the mountain trail on the other side of the camp , and I had been hearing how gorgeous it was , and not near so arduous of a trail as the one we had just done . I was about to go get Shadow , when passing through the Dining Hall to get the med kit to tape up Heather 's finger again , I saw Ashley . She didn 't seem to be going anywhere . So I asked , " Who are you riding this morning ? " Thinking if she wanted Shadow I would use Ginger , whom I had been observing all week and thought I could handle her easily enough . " Oh , I 'm not riding . " " But it 's the last day ! " Still she declined . Then I had an idea . " Well , if you are too sore to ride , then why don 't you hike ? " She was already shaking her head , so I quickly added , " I 'll hike with you . It 'll be fun ! " It took some begging and pleading , but she finally agreed . I really thought as a counselor herself she would want to spend the time with her girls , but just didn 't want to be the odd man out . I helped tack up the horses , then we all went through the lunch line to make our sandwiches and pack goodies into the brown paper bags , labeled our names , packed the saddle bags , then we were off . We went up some beautiful venues , and had a nice picnic lunch at the top of the hill . Most of the horses ground tie , but when they saw us eating , they were like seagulls , coming by , sniffing and making general nuisances of themselves . Denise ended up having to share part of her sandwich because , well , she is just a nice lady . The rest of us didn 't give up a bit . We found ourselves , once again , ravenous . The lunch I had packed seemed huge to me , but I managed to inhale it in record time ! It was a wonderful hike , but there was a slight mishap . No injuries . . . at least not to any humans . During a run up a wide trail . . . looked like a four wheeling trail . . . . Titan got hurt . He got to the top , then simple refused to walk another step . Katie , the girl riding tried everything . I was walking with her , and I tugged and she whipped him with the reins ( not cruelly , by the way , just to nudge him ) and I slapped his rear until my hand hurt . We tried to entice him with grass . After a while , the others who had run ahead to the top of the next knoll , and were waiting for us , realized we weren 't coming . Denise came back , and put her horse ( Cruiser . . . another one I 'd like to ride . . . he 's a sweetheart from what I can tell ) and right behind Titan and tried to push him forward while we tugged on the reins from the ground . He didn 't budge an inch . Then Mr . Greene showed up on Liberty ( who can be a brat , but that is another story that will have to wait for another time ) and they both tried to push with their horse . But Titan simply would not move . Now , this was not just being ornery . Something must have been wrong . If he was being ornery , then he would have kicked or bucked at the horses behind him . Mr . Greene checked his feet , but there wasn 't anything in them . He thought maybe he was just tired . It had been a long week , and Titan had never done trail work before this year . And , he is 20 ! That 's pretty old for a horse . So , he gave Liberty to Hannah , and said he would give Titan some time , then try to lead him back down the path we originally and come . Maybe he would recognize it as going home and he would move . Let me tell you , if a 1200 pound horse doesn 't want to move , there ain 't no moving him . Denise , Katie and I went on to meet up with the others , and the rest of the hike / ride went well . Liberty and I played a little game . Apparently she doesn 't like to be dead last in the trail line . I was walking next to her ( Heather had hollered to me to walk by Liberty in case she starts acting like a brat as is her wont to do ) but Liberty would see me at her shoulder then walk closer and closer until I had no choice but to step aside and get behind her . I would do that , then come up on the other side . I could see her eyeing me the whole time . The game went on and one . It was so funny ! I think my distracting her with a game helped her keep from getting all " bratty " and Heather says . We got back to the camp , and Mr . Greene wasn 't back . Not a good sign , but then again , if he had let Titan rest , he could be a while . Mrs . Greene wasn 't there either , but we had some marching orders . First off , the horses needed a rest , so we took their bridles off , but left saddles on , loosed , as in a while the girls would be doing corral work . While the horses were resting and eating some well - earned hay , we went back to the cabin and got all our sleeping bags rolled up , clothes packed , and trash thrown out , etc . They had outfits for the rodeo ( plaid shirts and jeans or culottes ) and we were also doing a costume contest . Oh , guess who was the rodeo clown ? The last thing we did was a little skit . One of the girls was in a wolf costume . She would howl , and then another girl came riding in and yelled , " There 's that big bad wolf ! " Then there was a chase around with the girls , ending in the wolf dying . I , in my very colorful clown outfit , came out in the middle of the ring , and pointed and laughed at the wolf . The girls then turn to me and say , " Get the clown ! " and then they chased me ( on foot , in sneakers that were about 6 sized too big for me ! ) around the ring . Of course I didn 't just run , I did a funny , weird , exaggerated run , hooting and hollering and tearing around . How I get talked into these things I 'll never know ! I brought my camera with me to camp , but kept forgetting to grab it ! Plus I was mortally afraid I would lose it on a trail or drop in the ring or lose it in the barn and a sheep would eat it . I finally got to taking some pictures on Thursday after our overnight camping trip during some free time . We were in the hay loft of the barn , also known as the game room there at the camp . This is one of the new kittens , Spitfire , and apparently she likes the pockets in the pool table . Tired Campers ! Thursday night we had a bonfire . We sang , and had devotions and fellowship . Then it was Snack Shack time , and to our cabins . This is called a keyhole . Most of the Greene 's horse have at least part Arabian in them , and they are skittish . They hate the white boundaries , even if they are just chalk lines . But King here did a great job ! This pic is from a previous day when they were practicing . To finish up the saga about Titan , Mr . Greene spent all afternoon trying to get Titan down from the hill . He simply wouldn 't budge . After another inspection , Mr . Greene thinks that he bruised a hoof running up that rocky four wheeling path . Poor thing ! He ended up having to take the tractor up , and the chain saw to clear the way , then come back and get the trailer for the horse . Then he went back up , and Titan had moved , which was good , but unfortunately , Mr . Greene then had to hike around to find him . Thankfully he didn 't go too far . He brought Titan back just as the rodeo was starting , got him off the trailer and let him graze until we were done , then managed to get him in the corral . Anyway , Katie here , on Titan , doing bridge work . That might not seem like a big deal , but many horses , especially Arabians , are very wary of a change of sound under their feet . Several of the horses have been trained to go over that bridge before they can do trail work . The main trail , you have to go over a wooden bridge to cross a creek . I 've never seen any of them have any trouble , to the Greene 's credit . Horses can be a little jumpy with mailboxes for some reason . Here they had to get the mail . Sometimes easier said than done . Especially when the front sticks shut ! There is our week in a nutshell , at least at camp . Dale ran the show here at home , and got quite a bit done on the " To Do " list . He found a second vehicle , checked it out , and we are now getting paperwork in order so we can go up and get it . Thankfully it is just in Olean . I was afraid we 'd end up having to travel for hours to get what we needed ! He also has been editing a book for me . I already went through it once , actually twice , and he is going through it a third time . After some final tweaking , " Isotope " will be sent out to a publisher . This week is Boys ' Adventure Camp week , and I 'll be dropping Josiah and Caleb off at 4pm . It will seem strange not having to stay there , but I 'm glad . I 've got a ton of stuff to do here at home ! It is so good to be in my own bed , in in my own shower , and able to see the family every day . Starting in July I 'll be gone about three weeks in a row between camp and my training for school . I 'll be glad when July is over and we can breath a bit before school starts ! That 's it for now . Reward yourself with something nice if you made it through this whole thing . If not , well , give yourself a consolation prize . This has been a hideously long post ! We 've been all over the place this week , it seems to me ! At the beginning of the week we had Horse Day Camp , which was already posted about . On Wednesday , Benjamin was off for Wilderness Camp . They hiked up a river here , around 21 miles in all , then on Saturday canoed for about 6 hours back towards camp . Benjamin had a wonderful time , and got a sunburn to prove it . I think he is recovered now , after a good night 's sleep at home in his own bed . Meanwhile , the rest of us took off for New York to visit my mother - in - law . My brother - in - law and his family were there , from Virginia . We only see them about once a year , and we knew if we didn 't get up there , we would miss this year , and have to wait until next summer . We left after Prayer Meeting Wednesday night , and got in around midnight . The trip was uneventful , despite some deer along the road , but thankfully not darting out in front of us . We were planning on visiting the Thousand Islands on Thursday , in which case you 'd see some pics right about here . However , a major storm blew in , dumped several inches of rain and then blew out later in the afternoon . No matter , as the kids took care of the entertainment ! They prepared a couple of skits . I started while we were waiting for the performance to begin by taking some snap shots of Josiah . You can sort of get the gist of what was going on by the expressions on his face . Silly boy ! The cast , minus Ryan who bugged out when he learned they were actually doing this in front of us adults , and though Isaac , the ham bone was in the picture , he did NOT take part of the play . He is just a camera hog . Friday was bright and warm . A perfect day for working in the garden . Darrell , Dale 's younger brother , was using the old cultivator to get up some weeds . See Isaac at the bottom right corner watching ? After lunch on Friday , we went to the Carousel Mall in Syracuse to meet up with some friends , Of course we had to ride the carousel ! ( Twice , for us kids . Ahem . ) BTW . . the girl in the green and black is Beka , a good friend of the twins ' . She is going to Girls ' Adventure Camp with the girls , the first week of July . Beka , years ago started to learn the harp , but her interest faded , and it has just sat in the house for a couple years . They are moving to Florida this summer , and thus downsizing . When my friend , Amy asked if I wanted her harp , I was happy to take it off her hands . I 've wanted to learn how to play for a while . Now I have to figure out how to tune it , play it , take care of it ! Thank the Lord for YouTube ! The Finger Lakes area has many Mennonite and Amish families farming there . We see them frequently , and I finally decided to take a picture . I know they travel the roads all the time , but I would be nervous with the trucks and cars whizzing by at 60 m . p . h . ! We 've had a busy - ish day , today . We had services , then a Fellowship dinner , then the afternoon service . I 've been doing laundry since we got home Saturday , and making a new pair of culottes for myself for next week . When we got home from church , I was whooped , and took a nap , despite it being late in the afternoon . After , we gave Dale his Father 's day cards , and his gift . From what I can tell this is called a Gentleman 's Chair . I think Dale was pleased with it ! I found it at a yard sale about a month ago . It wasn 't easy to hide it all this time ! The rest of the afternoon I have spent sewing . I finished my culottes for camp , and made this little project carrier . I made it from THIS tutorial . the Altoids tin is perfect for putting storing some sewing supplies . That is it for now ! Esther , Elizabeth and I are packing our bags again . We have to be back up to camp by 3 tomorrow afternoon . They are helping in the kitchen , and I 'll be counselling . It 's Teen Girls ' Horse camp until Friday . Looks like it is back in the saddle . . . all week ! I hope my hips can take it ! LOL Even in the midst of a crazy busy schedule , I like to take time to read to Isaac . This morning after I finished my Bible reading and was enjoying a second cup of coffee . . . my first somewhat leisurely cup all week . . . . Isaac came downstairs and with an irresistible grin said , " Mama , will you read this to me ? " . So we snuggled up in the recliner and read about Curious George in the library . After we were through , Isaac decided to make a Lego version of Curious George with a stack of books . Granted it is somewhat of an abstract art , but you can see the resemblance right down to the the lock of hair on George 's head . After breakfast and some packing for our trip to NY , I finished up the girls ' swimsuits . They seem well pleased with them . Oh , Esther 's hair is wet , but not because she was swimming . She had just gotten out of the shower . I love the colors in her swim suit ! Elizabeth 's is very logical for her , as she is always blending into the background or out of sight to read . Benjamin is dropped off at camp , though they aren 't actually starting the hike until tomorrow evening due to a nasty storm going through this area tomorrow during the day . " They " say that we are supposed to get at least 2 inches of rain , and winds up to 100 m . p . h . ! So , after I got back , we battened down the hatches around here . We won 't be around , so we wanted to make sure the house was secure before we leave later this evening . So it has been about 6 or 7 weeks or so since my last post . Since then we have finished school , and got through all the evaluations . These are the kids ' portfolios . Yup , the whole stack . Aren 't you glad you aren 't our evaluator ? Over Memorial Day weekend we had the opportunity to meet up with some good friends of ours while they were camping , at a camp ground , in the next town over from our house . It was fun to go up and make s ' mores and fellowship . I would have had some pictures of our older kids playing , but they were all over the place , and anytime they saw Mrs . G or I , ran like a bunch of lunatics in the opposite direction . I 've been trying to get some sewing done as well . This is a wonderful quilt pattern that I have been using lately . This top , pictured , is now completely pieced , sandwiched , basted , and ready to quilt . Now just to find the time to do it ! These are several quilt tops ready to be quilted , some fabric I have to make Jerusha a nightgown , and a partial bolt of blue fabric for making culottes for the girls . Elizabeth made these " skinny meatloaf cupcakes " one day . They were delicious ! The base is meatloaf , and the top is mashed sweet potato . Very filling and nutritious . This is a felted bag I started back last winter , I think , Esther and Elizabeth we working on theirs . I had finished the knitting and the felting a while back , then got sidetracked as I considered the strap and if I wanted lining in it . The fabric in the strap I love . The pic really doesn 't do the colors justice . I intend to use it as a small project bag . As you can see from the pic above , I can knit right from it , yarn in the bag , and instructions , etc . The strap was a little wider than I needed , but overall , I am ridiculously pleased with it . Here I made some swim shorts for Benjamin . He chose the fabric . And he realllllly wanted a pocked , which I did add . I also made Jerusha a swim outfit . She has such a pretty smile . Too bad she didn 't give me one for this picture ! Trust me , she was very pleased with the swim " dress " . I 'm just about finished with Esther and Elizabeth 's swim suits . Why all the rush for the swim suits ? Oh , didn 't I tell you what we bought the kids for their birthday bash ? A Pool ! Oh yes , 24 foot by 52 inches of wonderful water . However , some excavating has been necessary . Somehow the kids seemed very motivated to help clear the area . We had the Birthday bash June 1st . That was fun ! We had a pinata for the kids , a cookout , and a MAJOR water gun / balloon fight that would have made my dad proud . Within the first 10 minutes I was totally , utterly , undeniable drenched . The cake was made by a neighbor who is good at such things . The inside was camouflage ( the theme of the party this year ) and it was soooo yummy ! This summer our lives are basically wrapped up with camp . To help defray the cost of sending 6 or our 7 children to camp a couple of times each , I am volunteering as much as I can , and have gladly volunteered Benjamin , Josiah , Esther , and Elizabeth to help out when they aren 't being campers . The girls will be helping in the kitchen and the boys do whatever Mr . Greene tells them to . So basically , the five of us are owned by God 's Adventure Camp for the next couple of months . Not a bad thing , in my opinion ! This week kicked it off with Horse Day Camp on Monday and Tuesday for 8 to 12 year olds . It was fun ! Each day went from 9 to 5 and the children were taught about the parts of the saddle and bridle , how to groom and care for their horse , to put on the saddle and bridle , and of course , how to ride . I haven 't been on a horse in a while , except for last November , and that wasn 't very long . But after spending two days around the horses , I have to say , I think I am becoming a little addicted . My favorite horse right now is Shadow . She is a sweet thing , and loves to be brushed . She almost fell asleep the first day while I was grooming her . She is very gentle , an little pudgy , but her coat is very sleek . She hates ring work , and I spent most of my time in the ring on her just trying to get her to walk forward . I think she believes it is beneath her . On the trail , she is wonderful . When she isn 't trying to eat every single leaf in sight , and snapping twigs back in my face and soaking me from the recent rain . . . but that is another story . She is most definitely my favorite . Jerusha and Caleb both joined in on the fun , and Jerusha fell in love with her horse , Pippy . Caleb had some struggles with Sun Dancer . Now if you remember , Sun Dancer was the one I struggled with back in November . I think he did a much better job with him than I did ! Just look at that face ! She was up at O ' darkthirty Monday and Tuesday mornings chomping at the bit to get to camp . ( Yeah , that pun was unfortunately intended . Sorry . ) Too bad she wasn 't exciCaleb on Sun Dancer in the ring . Yes , we fixed his helmet . I didn 't get any trail rides because I was on them , and didn 't take the camera with me . Jerusha on Pippy ( right ) and one of the other campers . This girl was at most 4 and a half feet tall . She is riding Titan , who is almost 17 hands ! He is really just a big baby , though . She did wonderfully on him . The Heritage Singers were at camp both days for devotions and they sang and played and it was a blessing to hear them . On Monday night , after a day at camp , we attended the church they were singing at , which also happens to be the same church that the Christian school is in . After the service , they allowed the kids to try some of their instruments . At first this kind lady let Isaac just try the little mouth piece . After he got some squawk out of it he looked at her in wonder and said , " There 's a duck in there ! " Then she put the trumpet together . You know what ? That little bugger actually got some respectable sound out of it ! ( And to you grandparents who are thinking about , " Oh , let 's buy him one " . . . . FORGET IT ! You know who you are . ) Caleb really took to it ! I was kidding around with Mrs . Greene , who does the music stuff at school , wondering if the band had a trumpet player , and she said , " Oh , I have a trumpet he can borrow for the summer to play with ! " I laughed . I shouldn 't have . We left later with her trumpet , in its case , in Caleb 's hand . Unfortunately she forgot to include the earplugs . : / This was at camp today . This is Rodney . He is play a Ukaline ( I 'm not sure of the spelling on that ) that belongs to the Greenes . It is a very pretty instrument , and very unusual . Oh I almost forgot . During the services Monday night , each of the Heritage team members introduced themselves then gave an interesting fact about themselves . Rodney 's was that he could frown and smile at the same time . Then he said he wasn 't going to do it right then , but would show anyone who asked after service . Oh yeah , I asked . Tomorrow we drop Benjamin off to camp for Wilderness week , which actually only goes until Saturday . Meantime , the rest of us are skipping town going up to visit my mother in law in NY , and also my brother in law and his family . We haven 't seen them in a very long time , and it will be good to see them again . After we return Saturday , it is a mad dash to get ready for Sunday , and then Monday , the twins and I are off to camp . This time it is Teen Horse Camp , and we 'll be gone all week . I 'll be a counsellor , and the girls will be helping with the kitchen work and whatever else they are needed to do . I know this post was long and picture heavy , but if you could see all the pictures I didn 't add in , you 'd think twice about that opinion . Hopefully , the next post won 't be so long , as I hope to update once a week on the weekends . We have LOTS going on this summer , and lots of adventures ahead of us ! Have a blessed evening ! Welcome to the BeehiveBuzz ! We are a busy family of nine , trying to learn and grow about the Lord . We make mistakes , we laugh , we fight , we make up . . . in short , we are just like everyone else ! I hope this blog can be an encouragement and a blessing to all who read it . Thanks for visiting ! |
Author 's Website : Jet 's Spanking Fanfics Author 's Note : This is an alternate universe story that takes place directly after the Season 1 finale , ' Founder 's Day ' , with one slight difference , and takes the story in a different direction . The first few pages of this story are taken directly from that episode . Written April 2011 . While getting ready for the Founder 's Day parade , Jeremy kept thinking about his parents . They 'd always gotten excited about Founder 's Day , and their enthusiasm was contagious . He could picture his mother 's smile while they watched the parade , and smiled himself . He always missed them , but today was worse than usual . The smile faded as quickly as it had come . With a sigh , he put on his confederate jacket and looked at himself in the mirror . He chuckled . " I know , it 's stupid , huh ? Part of the parade . How are you ? I 've been so worried , and I feel awful . " " He doesn 't understand , Anna . " Jeremy said , trying to make her see his uncle in a different light . " It 's who he is . He hates all vampires . He 's just doing what he thinks is right . " " No ! " He was quick to clarify . " No way . It 's just I do understand where he 's coming from . He 's convinced that all the tomb vampires want revenge on this town , and he 's just he 's trying to protect it . " " They do want revenge . Or at least they did . That 's why we separated from them . My mom wasn 't after revenge ; she just wanted her life back . I have to get out of this town , Jeremy . " " I 've been thinking . " She got closer to him , and looked into his eyes . " You could come with me . I could turn you . You said you wanted me to . " She handed him a small glass vial with red liquid inside . " Here . It 's my blood . If you die with it in your system , you 'll come back . " " I know you . What it 's like for you . Being alone . Always feeling empty inside . No one to understand . But when you 're a vampire , you don 't have to feel that way . You can shut it off . I can show you how . " He turned and took a few steps away , trying to collect his thoughts . " I wanted to , but now don 't think I can . orry . " e turned to see her reaction , only to find his room empty . e sighed and stuck the vile of blood in his top desk drawer , and continued getting ready . Once he got to the parade grounds , he wandered around until it was time to get on the float , hoping to avoid his sister . After reading her diary and finding out that she 'd been lying to him for months , he was upset . But after reading that she 'd had his memory erased , he wanted nothing to do with her . Unfortunately , she was persistent when she felt guilty . He saw her coming his way , and kept walking . Elena found jogging the few feet to her brother was difficult in the cumbersome period costume . The corset made it difficult to breathe , and the skirt was so wide , she kept bumping into things without realizing it . Once she reached him , she fell into step beside him . With a smile she tried starting a conversation , " Jeremy . I was wondering where you were . You look great . You guys did a really great job on the float . " Angry that she thought things could be normal between them again so soon , he turned to confront her . " Then why don 't you have Damon erase my memory again . Then I can go back to being your in the dark little brother again . " " Jer lease . " Just don 't ! ou can 't fix this that easily . omething like this just doesn 't g t fixed . " H walked away , and she let him this time . During the parade itself , Jeremy rode the float and goofed off with his classmates . Once it was done , he quickly changed clothes and went to get some lunch at The Grill . When he was half way done with his lunch , he saw Elena come in . He started eating faster , when he saw her make a beeline for his table . He was pleased when Damon intercepted her , and he listened in on their conversation . Damon 's smile faded quickly when he realized she was serious . He swallowed once , and gave her a tiny , but honest , nod of understanding . Once Elena saw it , she went to Jeremy 's table . " I don 't believe that we can 't fix this . I lied . I was wrong . But you 're my brother Jer , and I love you . And I have to fix it . So just tell me . What can I do ? " With sincerity of his own , Jeremy said , " You can go to hell Elena . " He walked away before she could get over her shock . He failed to see Damon 's reaction to their conversation . Damon watched as Elena tried not to cry , and fury build inside him . It seemed the more time he spent with Elena , the more difficult it became to shut out his emotions , and now it was almost to the point where he simply couldn 't do it anymore . He saw Elena head to the bathroom , probably to cry , and stalked off after Jeremy . He caught up to the kid quickly , and mocked , " I have so many emotions , but I don 't have anyway to express them . Being a teenager is so hard . " Seriously irritated , Damon said , " You do not talk to me like that , I 'm not your sister . And from now on " e grabbed Jeremy 's upper arm , and forced him turn and face him . don 't talk to your sister that way either . " H let the kid go waiting to see what he had to say . " So what ? You 're gonna kill me just ' cause I hurt Elena 's feelings ? " Trying not to rise to Jeremy 's tone , Damon said , " Cut her some slack . " " No , I did . " He paused to let that sink in , before adding , " She was protecting you . " He waited , expecting Jeremy to see the logic in that , and turn his anger away from his sister and towards him . " That wasn 't her call to make . " Jeremy said , and turned to walk away . Damon and Jeremy faced off for a few more seconds before Damon let go . Relieved , Jeremy backed up a step . Stefan stepped in between them , and put a hand on Jeremy . He asked with concern , " You alright ? " Stefan let his hand fall . Always the voice of reason , Stefan said quietly , " What my brother is trying to say , is don 't blame Elena for this . Damon turned Vicki . I killed her . She was a threat to you , and she was a threat to your sister . I 'm sorry that it happened , I wish that it hadn 't . " Damon smiled at the back of Stefan 's head and said , " Good cop , bad cop . I like it . " " What are you doing ? " Stefan asked , frustrated more than usual with his older brother . Too annoyed to go home , Jeremy wandered the fairgrounds until it started to get dark . He went back to The Grill , and found Anna , who 'd been looking for him . She said , " We 've got to talk , " and pulled him towards the women 's restroom . Surprised and worried , Jeremy let her pull him in . Once they were alone together , she said , " The tomb vampires are planning their revenge right here , right now . " " It gets better . Your Uncle is also planning revenge . He 's going to use a device to incapacitate all the vampires , and he has a group of ' deputies ' who are going to help round them up . " Anna nodded . She was about to tell him to go home , but before she could , something went wrong . She screamed and held her head with both hands . A high pitched whine pierced her skull , blocking out all her other senses . " What 's wrong ? " Jeremy asked , and put his arms around her when she started to sink to her knees . He couldn 't hear or see anything that would make her react this way . " What 's wrong , Anna ? What can I do ? " " The noise ! " She screamed . Tears of pain rolled down her face . She pushed on the sides of her head as hard as she could , but it didn 't help block out any of the noise . She could barely sense Jeremy 's presence . Jeremy turned to the door when two deputies came in . Relieved to see adults , he said , " Something 's wrong . Help her please ! " Suddenly the relief was gone , and all that Jeremy could feel was terror when one deputy pulled Anna out of his arms , while the other held him back . He struggled and yelled , " Anna ! Annaaaa ! " A few seconds after Anna was out of the room , Jeremy stopped struggling . The deputy let him go , but stood in front of the door , blocking his way for the next few minutes . Jeremy knew it was pointless , but yelled , " What are you going to do with her ? " Once the man left , Jeremy made his way out to main lobby , expecting to see chaos . But instead , he saw nothing out of the ordinary . There were people playing pool , people eating dinner , people drinking at the bar , and people visiting with friends . Jeremy frantically scanned the restaurant for anyone with a look of horror or disbelief on their face , but found no one . He had such an overwhelming feeling of deja vu , that he couldn 't breath . He stumbled to the door , shoved it open , and rushed out into the night . Knowing he couldn 't stop the injustice about to occur , he walked towards home . He pulled the hood of his hoodie up , to try and hide his tears from the people on the street . Helpless . That 's how he felt all the time now . Catastrophic things happened to him , and to the people he loved , and he was helpless to stop them . His parents death had messed him up for so long , he wasn 't sure he 'd ever get over it . And then he 'd found some solace in Vicki , or maybe he 'd found solace in the drugs he took with her , but either way , he 'd had moments of feeling good for the first time in a long time . Then she 'd been ripped away from him , and even though he couldn 't remember it , he still felt the empty void she 'd left in him . Now Anna had been literally ripped away from him too , and there was nothing could do . Because everyone around him was older , stronger , faster , or more influential than he was . The thought of being able to shut out his humanity , and turn off his emotions became more and more appealing , the longer he thought about it . Damon woke up in a basement surrounded by other vampires . The vervain was still pulsing through his veins , so moving was next to impossible . Straining , he lifted his head off the ground . Anna was lying on the floor a few feet away , pleading with John Gilbert . He watched bastard drive a stake into her heart . John poured gasoline all over the basement , and tossed a match into it on his way out . Damon tried to move away from the flames , hearing the others scream as they burned . Suddenly Stefan was next to him , pulling him up , and dragging him up the stairs . Damon could have sworn the stairs were engulfed in flames moments ago , but the brothers didn 't have any problems walking up them , and out into the night air , where Bonnie and Elena were waiting for them . The second he saw Bonnie , he understood , and found himself grateful . Bonnie glared at Damon and said , " I 'll see you guys later . " Once he was alone , Damon winced , and forced his feet to walk towards The Grill . It took him a while , but soon he was at the front door . He was about to enter , when he heard his brother 's voice . " I try so hard to hate him . I guess it 's just pointless . " Damon let his hand fall , and heard Elena 's response . " You care about him . So do I . But I love you Stefan . And I know you 're worried about that . " Feeling like an ass , Damon scowled . He 'd done nothing but cause his brother worry and heartache over Elena , and his brother had walked through fire to save him . He 'd repeatedly made Elena 's life more difficult , and here she was telling Stefan she cared about him . He turned towards home , but as he walked away , he heard Elena say , " I called Jenna . She said Jeremy is already home , so I 'm going to go pick up my stuff at the school and then go home to check on him . " Lying in bed , Jeremy held the vile of Anna 's blood in his hand , and missed her . He thought about drinking it , but without Anna , he didn 't see the point . He walked over , and put it back in the desk drawer . When he turned back around , he was startled to see Damon standing in his doorway . " What are you doing here ? " " I saw her killed . " Damon said . " I was watching and all I could think about was wanted to help her , but I couldn 't . " e still couldn 't believe that he 'd wanted to help Anna , but it was true . lena had opened the door to his humanity , and now he was finding it very difficult to shut it out , even when it came to people he didn 't want to care about . Jeremy shook his head . There was no anger , only sadness in his voice when he said , " Look , I know you think you took it away , but it 's still there . Even if I can 't remember why , I still feel empty alone . nd making me forget won 't fix it . t won 't fix what 's really wrong . " Damon felt a rush of remorse for what he 'd done to make Jeremy so unhappy . He said with unusual sincerity , " What I did to Vicki was wrong . 'm sorry for my part . " amon turned to leave , not sure what else to do for the kid . Jeremy 's voice stopped him before Damon got to the door . " Anna said that vampires don 't have to feel pain . That they can turn it off if they shut out their humanity . " Damon made eye contact again . " That 's very true . " " I did it for did it for a very long time . nd life was a lot easier . " amon left quietly , thinking more about his own feelings and problems than about Jeremy 's . As soon as the vampire was out of his room , Jeremy got up , took the vile out of his desk , and choked the liquid down . Once the foul tasting stuff was gone , he went into the bathroom to find the sleeping pills the doctor had prescribed for Elena right after their parents had died . He looked at himself in the mirror , and nodded once . He couldn 't keep living in misery . This way he wouldn 't have to feel anything he didn 't want to feel . He smiled . " It 's not important . " Getting serious , he said , " You know , I came to this town wanting to destroy it , and tonight I found myself wanting to protect it . ow 's that happen ? 'm not a hero Elena , I don 't do good . t 's not in me . " " No . " Damon looked away . " No that 's reserved for my brother and you and Bonnie . E en though she has every reason to hate me , she still helped Stefan save me . " Z He walked closer to her and said softly , " Because she did it for you . Which means that somewhere along the way you decided that I was worth saving . I wanted to thank you for that . " Jeremy woke with a start . He looked at the clock . It had only been an hour since he 'd taken the sleeping pills . Had they already worked ? He had trouble believing that was all it took to end his life , but he didn 't feel sleepy or sick to his stomach , so he hoped that they 'd worked . He went to look at himself in the mirror . He didn 't look any different . He took a deep breath . That felt normal . He put his fingers up to his neck to feel his pulse , but felt nothing . He tried fingers on the other side of his neck , and again felt no pulse . He held his breath , closed his eyes , and listened for his own heart . Instead of a heartbeat , he heard voices . His uncle and sister were talking , but the voices were so loud and clear , that Jeremy had to look behind him . Then he heard the sound of silverware , and realized they were talking in the kitchen . He focused on what they were saying for a minute , needing to know what had happened to Anna . John said , " You know I first met Isobel when I was a teenager . I fell in love with her instantly , although I 'm pretty sure she never loved me . She was special . Part of why I hate the vampires so much is because of what she became . How it ruined her . I never would have sent her to Damon had known she wanted to turn . It 's my fault . I 'm telling you this , because I hoped maybe you 'd understand . " Jeremy heard a loud thunk , and heard his uncle scream . His uncle said , " Katherine ? " Jeremy rushed to his bedroom door , but his legs got him there much faster than usual , and he ended up slamming into it . He backed up a step , shook his head once , and heard Katherine say , " Hello John , Goodbye John . " The girl turned to look at him . Her eyes were dark black . Jeremy had heard that Elena looked like Katherine , but he hadn 't realized they would be exactly the same . " You 're Katherine ? " Katherine yanked the knife out of John , and turned towards Jeremy . The murderous look she gave him rooted him to the spot . Her lip curled in disgust , " Gilbert . " Katherine dropped the knife , and ran out the back door so quickly that all Jeremy could see was a blur . Jeremy rushed to John and called out , " In here Elena ! " He stared at the huge red stain on his uncle 's stomach . He couldn 't take his eyes off it . Elena came in , and saw the severed fingers on the counter first . She put a hand over he mouth and said , " Oh my God ! " Her eyes followed the trail of blood over to John and Jeremy . Immediately knowing what needed to be done , she grabbed a couple of dishtowels off the counter , and ran to John . She put one towel over the stomach wound , and held the other towel out for Jeremy . " Wrap this around his hand . " He took the towel , and looked down at John 's hand . He tentatively picked it up and wrapped the towel around it , getting blood all over on his own hands while doing it . " What happened ? " Elena asked . Elena took Jeremy 's free hand and put it over the towel on John 's stomach . She stood and said , " Keep direct pressure on the wound . I 'm calling 911 . " He nodded numbly , and watched as John lost consciousness . Once John 's eyes were closed , Jeremy 's focus went back to the blood . His sister 's voice sounded far away , as he watched the blood seeping through the towels . It felt warm and inviting on his hands . Suddenly his eyes were sore , like a muscle that was being stretched after a long workout . His vision changed . The dim kitchen lights now seemed glaringly bright , and the spilled blood turned bright magenta . Taking a close look , he could almost say the blood was glowing . He looked at John 's neck , and he could clearly see all the veins under his skin . The large vein in the neck stood out and pulsed stronger than the rest . He swallowed , and noticed the blood that had pooled under John 's hand . He pulled the hand up to look at it . As the hand got closer to his face , he felt pressure building in the front of his mouth . The pressure was released all at once , like a sneeze , as his canine teeth extended . He felt them with his tongue , surprised at how sharp they felt . He glanced back at Elena , but couldn 't see her . He could hear her in the hallway yelling up the stairs to get their Aunt Jenna out of the bathtub . Even with his face turned away , he could smell and hear the blood . The pull was too strong . He turned back to John , yanked the towel off his hand , and brought it up to his mouth . The blood was still flowing freely where the three fingers had been severed , and Jeremy gulped it down . He sucked to get as much of it in one gulp as possible . When it wasn 't coming fast enough , he dropped the hand in irritation , and went for the neck . Before his mouth could make contact , he heard someone scream . His eyes went to her neck . Her skin looked like a road map of veins all pulsing with fresh food for him . Before he could leap for her , Stefan was in front of her blocking his way . Jeremy snarled in frustration . Stefan saw the bloodlust in Jeremy 's eyes , and didn 't even try talking to him . Instead , he lunged forward , grabbed Jeremy by the throat , and slammed him back against the refrigerator . Jolted out of his haze , Jeremy 's fangs retracted , and his eyes went back to normal . The kid nodded , and Stefan eased the hold on his neck . Turning to Elena , Stefan said , " Tell Jenna that you don 't know where Jeremy is . Tell her he probably snuck out to see Anna . Meet us at my house as soon as you can . " Instead of answering , Elena just stared at Jeremy with tears running down her face . Stefan walked to her , held her face in his hands , and rubbed her tears away with his thumbs . " We 'll figure it out , okay ? But right now I need you to take care of things here with Jenna and John . I 'll take care of Jeremy . " Knowing he was right , she nodded . " I 'll be there as soon as I can . " She went to John , and wrapped the towel back around his hand . Jeremy watched his sister and realized with growing horror what he 'd just done . Stefan grabbed his arm and said , " Come on , the sirens are right out front now . " Damon poured himself another scotch , and tried to shut his humanity back out . He muttered , " I don 't care about Anna . I never cared about Anna . I don 't care about anyone in this town . If they all died tomorrow , I would feel nothing . " He heard the front door open , and called out , " Home so soon , Stefan ? I thought you 'd be helping Elena with eremy ? " eremy stopped at the threshold between the living room and the entranceway . Hey . " nowing Jeremy wouldn 't show up on their doorstep at this hour unless something was wrong , Damon stood and asked , " What happened ? " The run had invigorated Jeremy , and his thoughts had turned to his stomach . The ache was much worse than regular human hunger . He needed more blood , and he needed it soon . But for now , he sat . Damon moved to stand next to Stefan . Jeremy looked up at the two men , and then turned his eyes to the floor . He said quietly , " Anna gave me a vile of her blood this morning . " Thinking about what had happened to Anna , Jeremy got pissed and glared up at Stefan . " And they killed her ! She wasn 't hurting anyone , but it didn 't matter . They came into the bathroom , yanked her out of my arms , and I couldn 't do a God damn thing to stop them ! " " Look Jeremy , I know you 're angry , " Stefan said . " I 'm angry about it too , and we can talk about what happened to Anna later . But now I want to know what you did with her blood . " Damon started feeling something he hadn 't felt in a long time . He wasn 't exactly sick to his stomach , but he didn 't feel well either . With apprehension he said , " What did you do , Jeremy ? " Stefan put a hand on his forehead , and sighed . Damon shouted , " You what ! " Without waiting for a response , he rushed to the kid , and felt his neck for a pulse . Jeremy pushed the hand away . " Back off ! " With a glare , Damon grabbed Jeremy 's upper arm to hold him in place , and again felt for a pulse . " I said back off ! " Jeremy tried pulling his arm away , and shoving the hand away from his neck , but it didn 't work . " After . " Damon 's stomach twisted , and he realized the feeling that had been building was guilt . This was his fault , and Elena would never forgive him . He 'd turned Vicki into a vampire in the first place . He 'd compelled Jeremy to forget Vicki . He 'd told Jeremy about Anna 's death , and then left him alone to deal with his pain , because he 'd been too involved with his own issues . He groaned when he thought about the last thing he 'd said to Jeremy . Putting a hand on his stomach , Jeremy said with a wince , " I need more blood . " Trying , and failing , to push the older vampire away , Jeremy yelled , " This has noting to do with Elena ! This is about me ! Not her , me ! " Damon shoved him back with disgust . Jeremy fell onto the couch , and stayed where he was , too nervous to move . Running a hand through his hair , Damon shook his head . " That 's the kind of garbage I 've been trying to tell myself for the past hundred years , and you know what ? I can 't hide behind those lies anymore . You don 't live in your own little universe , Jeremy . The things you do affect other people . Elena 's the only family you have left . It may have been about you when you did it , but you know this will change Elena 's life too . " Stefan came back , carrying a handful of blood bags . He set them on the couch , and handed one to Jeremy . Jeremy examined the bag , trying to figure out the best way to drink the blood without making a mess . Damon handed him a straw , grabbed a bag for himself , and demonstrated the best way to drink it . Jeremy gulped it down in seconds , and reached for another bag . After draining all five of the bags Stefan had brought him , he said , " I 'm still hungry . " Damon yelled back , " You don 't have to kill someone to drink from them , and Elena wouldn 't want her brother to suffer ! Don 't tell me you don 't remember the intense hunger from when you were first turned . After tonight he won 't be so hungry , and he can switch to bagged blood . Then maybe in a few months if he wants to , he can try animal blood . But for now he needs fresh . " Taken off guard by his brother 's intensity , Stefan shook his head . " You don 't have any say in this . If you think helping Jeremy is going to get you closer to Elena " Having heard enough , Damon got in Stefan 's personal space . He tried to keep his voice level , but even he could hear the anger in his voice . " No Stefan . You don 't get any say in this . Jeremy is my responsibility . He turned himself a few seconds after talking to me . It 's my fault , and I 'm going to do my best to make up for it . " Not sure if he should believe his brother or not , Stefan shook his head and opened his mouth , but before he could speak , Damon said , " I 'm doing this for the right reasons , Stefan . " Stefan searched his brother 's face , and found he believed him , even though he had every reason not to given their past history . He stepped back and said , " Okay , but if Jeremy ends up killing someone , you 'll have to answer to Elena . " Pleased at the trust Stefan was showing him , Damon said , " He won 't . " Turning to Jeremy , Damon snapped his fingers and said , " You . Come . " Stefan cut him off , " I can 't help you with this , because I don 't feed from humans anymore . If you try to do it yourself , you will end up killing someone . It 's almost impossible to stop while the blood is still pumping . I know Damon isn 't your favorite person , but he can help you . " " We 'll be back by then . " Damon beckoned Jeremy with a crooked finger . " Come on . Time to learn how to compel people . It 'll be fun . " Stefan didn 't answer , but nudged Jeremy towards Damon . Jeremy followed the older vampire outside , and had to agree with Damon on this one . After feeling completely helpless for the past year , being able to compel people did sound like a lot of fun . Fifteen minutes later , Damon and Jeremy arrived at the gas station on the outskirts of town . Damon led the way , and soon they were standing in the back , close to the public restrooms . Damon leaned up against the wall , and said , " Okay , for the first couple , you let me compel them . You just concentrate on stopping when I tell you to , because it won 't be easy . Then you should be full enough to try and compel someone yourself . " " Thank God . " A semi truck pulled into the gas station , and a few minutes later , a large middle aged man with a beard came around the corner of the building . Jeremy groaned . " Gross . " He beckoned Jeremy to him . As Jeremy got closer , he felt his eyes changing . When he could see all the veins under the guy 's skin , his teeth came out too . He was about to lean in to bite the guys neck , but Damon stopped him with a hand to his arm . " Bite him on the wrist . It 's easier for him to explain away later . And remember to stop when I tell you . " With a nod , Jeremy yanked the man 's wrist to his mouth , and bit . As the warm blood ran down his throat , the pain in his stomach receded . After a few seconds he heard Damon 's voice in the distance , but had no idea what he was saying , and certainly couldn 't be bothered to pay attention , when there was blood to be had . He felt a hand on his arm , pulling . He dug his teeth in deeper , and tried to shrug the hand off . Irritated that Jeremy didn 't even seem to be trying , Damon cuffed him on the side of the head , hard enough to dislodge him . Jeremy stumbled and then snarled at Damon . Damon grabbed him by the throat in one hand , squeezed to keep him quiet , and turned back to the trucker . He said , " You 're going to go to the bathroom . When you come out , you 'll notice that you accidentally cut yourself on the edge of the metal sink . " The man recited those instructions , and then headed to the bathroom . Once he was gone , Damon let Jeremy go . Jeremy had come to his senses while Damon was talking , and realized with fear that he 'd completely lost control of himself while he fed . When he was let go , he rubbed the sore spot on his head and muttered , " Sorry . " Damon rounded on him . " I know you made a huge mistake , and I 'm here to make sure you don 't make another . Shutting out your humanity won 't fix the problem . It would do about as much good as compelling you to forget about Vicki . You might be able to get through the day better , but somewhere down the line all those feelings you wanted to shut out , will come back to bite you in the ass . Trust me , I 'm speaking from experience . You 're better off facing your problems now . " Damon lost his glare and said more gently , " Give yourself some time to mourn for Vicki and Anna . " They fell into silence for a few minutes until the next customer came around the corner . Two young women dressed in high heals , short skirts , and tight tops headed towards the bathroom . Both were blondes , but one of them had hot pink highlights in her hair . The one with highlights was staggering a bit , obviously drunk , and the other was helping her walk . " Now that 's more like it , " Damon said . He pushed off from the wall , put on a charming smile , and said , " Good evening ladies . " Once he had eye contact , he gave them the same instructions as the trucker , and they stood still . Damon turned to Jeremy and said , " Same as before . Do it on the wrist , and listen for my voice telling you when to stop . " Jeremy nodded and reached for a wrist . This time as he was drinking , he heard Damon tell him to stop , and he understood what Damon was saying , but still clamped down harder on the wrist he was drinking from , not wanting to let go . He felt Damon 's hand on his arm , and paused in his swallowing , but didn 't let go . Damon said , " Let go and try the other girl . " Remembering there was another , Jeremy let go of the wrist , but before he could grab the next girl 's arm , Damon stopped him with a hand on his chest . A noise of frustration came from Jeremy 's throat . Damon said , " Now change back to normal for a few seconds , and then you can drink from the next one . " It took a few seconds , but eventually Jeremy was able to make himself look human . Damon nodded and said , " Okay , go ahead , but bite this one on the other arm , and make it a little higher up . We 'll compel them to believe a raccoon was in the bathroom , and bit them both . " Jeremy did as he was told , and almost felt full when he heard Damon tell him to stop . He was able to stop at the first request . Damon patted his shoulder and said , " Looks like you 're ready to try compelling someone . " " You have to force your words and your thoughts into her head through your stare . " " But " amon cut him off . Just try it . our body will take care of the rest . " The woman did as he 'd asked . Jeremy wasn 't sure if he 'd actually compelled her or not , and turned to see Damon 's reaction . " Good start , but next time make it an order , not a request . If you don 't have confidence in yourself , the person you 're compelling will sense that hesitation . Then if you 're telling them to do something they don 't want to do , they may not do it . " Jeremy nodded in understanding , and turned back to the woman . He put more force behind his words and said , " Sit on the ground . " The woman sat . Damon nodded . " Better . Time to try a hard one . Compel her to believe a raccoon attacked her and her friend in the bathroom . " A few seconds later , both women were running back to the front , and yelling for the manager . Damon clapped Jeremy on the shoulder , and said , " Looks like you 've got it . Let 's head for home before the manager gets here . " Damon was the first through the door when they arrived home . He winced when he heard Elena 's crying before he could see her . He turned the corner , and saw her sitting on the couch with Stefan 's arms wrapped around her . Damon heard Jeremy come in behind him , and turned to glare at the kid , but Jeremy wasn 't looking in his direction . Jeremy couldn 't move . He hadn 't heard his sister cry like that since the day of their parents ' funeral . He 'd been so angry with her earlier that day , but now that all seemed petty . He was startled out of his thoughts when Damon grabbed his arm in a crushing grip . " Hey ! " Jeremy tried to pull his arm away . Seeing her tear streaked face made him feel even worse . He walked up to her , and pulled her into a hug . He whispered , " Don 't cry . " She hugged him tight and said through her tears , " How could you leave me all alone ? " Stefan wanted to comfort her , and prove she wasn 't alone , but didn 't interrupt , knowing he wasn 't the one she needed comfort from right now . But he couldn 't stop himself from standing up and hovering nearby . Damon felt her words stabbing him in the guts , and took a few involuntary steps closer to her , needing to convince her that it wasn 't true . He opened his mouth , but Stefan motioned for him to be quiet . Damon found it nearly impossible , but understood why Stefan wouldn 't want him to interfere in this moment . He crossed his arms tightly , and held himself stiff . Jeremy 's throat tightened , and his eyes filled . " I wasn 't thinking about you . " " Anna . " A couple of tears slipped down his face . " She 's dead . They killed her , and I just didn 't want to feel anything anymore . " His throat tightened up , and he hugged her even tighter for a second . Well aware of their audience , Jeremy let her go quickly , before he broke down into tears of grief . She pushed the bangs out of his eyes and said gently , " Why didn 't you call me if you were feeling that bad ? I 've been trying to talk to you all day . " Jeremy shook his head , and let the bitterness show in his voice . " Why would I call you ? I haven 't called you to talk things out for months . You 've just been too busy hiding things from me to notice . " Elena gasped at the harsh words , and put a hand over her mouth . Reacting to the look of misery on Elena 's face , Damon slapped the back of Jeremy 's head hard enough to make him stumble to the side . He ignored the yelp of pain that came from Jeremy , and the shout from Elena for him to stop . He grabbed the kid 's upper arm , and forced Jeremy to look him in the eye . Damon hissed dangerously , " I told you not to talk to your sister like that . " " Sorry , " came out of Jeremy 's mouth without forethought . He wasn 't usually afraid of Damon , but there had been a couple of times in the past few months , when he could see Damon struggle not to lose his control . Jeremy 's self - preservation had always kicked in during those moments , before he could push Damon over the edge . " It 's okay . " She pulled him back into a hug , and glared at Damon with reproach . After having a few seconds to think about it , Jeremy hugged her back and said honestly , " I know you were trying to protect me by keeping me in the dark , and by having Damon take my memories away . But it wasn 't your call to make . " Her eyebrows crinkled in confusion . " Like a sister , not a parent . " The corner of his mouth twitched up when he remembered something their mother had often said , " My partner in crime . " " Still in surgery . Jenna 's at the hospital . She 'll call as soon as the doctors tell her anything . " Feeling more like herself , Elena wiped the tears off her face , and got back to the matter at hand . " Stefan told me you drank Anna 's blood , and then killed yourself with sleeping pills . " Damon interrupted their conversation , " That 's not exactly true . " He couldn 't believe he was about to confess something that could make Elena hate him , but after their conversation on the porch , he felt the need to be honest with her . " Jeremy probably wouldn 't have done it if I 'd handled things better when I came to see him . " Elena moved over to Stefan 's side . The thought of Katherine being in town terrified her , and she always felt safer when Stefan 's arm was around her . Shaken by this news , Stefan automatically wrapped an arm around Elena and said to Jeremy , " Maybe you should tell us everything from beginning to end . " " When I got home , I thought about taking Anna 's blood , but didn 't really see the point since she was gone . hen Damon showed up , and offered to help me forget again , and then I realized I didn 't want to forget . just didn 't want it to be painful to remember . nna told me if I turned , I wouldn 't have to feel any emotions . o as soon as Damon left I drank the blood and took the sleeping pills . " Jeremy shrugged . " Don 't be . You didn 't know I had Anna 's blood , and I don 't think this is a bad thing . " " I woke up and heard Katherine and John talking in the kitchen , but I thought it was you . Then I heard him scream , and say Katherine 's name . So I ran down to see what was going on . It 's shocking how much she looks like Elena . She came after me with a knife too , but then Elena came in the front door calling for me , and Katherine ran out the back . Then when Elena called for help , I " " You drank from him . " Damon finished the sentence for him , knowing without being told what would have happened . Stefan put a hand on Jeremy 's shoulder and said , " It 's almost impossible not to drink blood that 's in front of you , especially when you 're new . It 's not your fault . " Damon darted his eyes to Stefan and then back to Elena . He was never able to hide his true feelings from her . Something about the way she looked at him forced his humanity to sit up and take notice . He mumbled , " I 'll tell you alone . " Elena shut the door behind them , and turned to Damon expectantly . Damon swallowed , and said , " I 'm not a hero , Elena . don 't do good . " " Bonnie saved me tonight , but she did it for you . That means that you think I 'm worth saving . Nobody has thought that about me in a very long time . " " No left Jeremy in misery , because I didn 't know what else to do for him . didn 't think I 'd run into you or Katherine as I was leaving . " H " I 'm sorry . If I 'd known " he whispered , despair evident in his voice . e reached out to touch her hand , but she backed up a step . Damon said , " We don 't know where Katherine is , or what she wants . We know she doesn 't want Elena dead , or she would have stayed and finished the job while John was incapacitated . We 'll have to wait for her to make the next move . " " What about me ? " Jeremy asked with annoyance . Damon rolled his eyes . " You can 't go out in the sun anymore . Going to school is going to be a problem tomorrow . " " So you want to be uneducated as well as undead ? " Damon said with a glare . " Your chances of making it through your first week are going down as we speak . " Stefan said , " Eighty percent of new vampires die within the first week . That 's a rough estimate from what I 've seen over the years . Make it past that , and you 're relatively safe . " Damon turned to Elena and said , " Talk to Bonnie . She can make Jeremy a ring to protect him from the sun tomorrow after school . Tonight , we 'll all go to the hospital to check on John , and then I 'll compel Jenna to let Jeremy stay here for a week . " Stefan let go of Elena , and went to put a hand on Jeremy 's shoulder . " Look Jeremy , it 's just temporary . Stay with us for a few days , until you learn to control your urges . You don 't want to lose control , and accidentally kill someone you love . We have a lot of blood stored , and you 're going to need more than usual for the first few days . It 's better for everyone if you stay here . Damon and I can help you adjust . " While Jeremy was thinking it over , Elena said , " We could tell Jenna that Anna left town , and you 're upset about it . Make her believe that you don 't want to be around any women for the next few days , and that Stefan invited you to do some male bonding with him and his brother for a week . As long as you 're going to school , she should be fine with it . " Jeremy didn 't like the idea , but he couldn 't overlook the fact that he needed blood , and there was a large supply here in this house . Reluctantly he nodded . " Okay . I guess I 'll stay for a few days . " Jeremy woke up the next day , momentarily confused as he looked around the unfamiliar bedroom . Within seconds the previous night came rushing back to him . It had been a long night , and with the drapes closed tight , he had no idea what time it actually was outside . He grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand and wasn 't surprised to see that it was past noon . He sat up , and felt a sharp ache in his gut . Wincing , he put a hand on his stomach as he got out of bed . He picked yesterday 's jeans up off the floor and pulled them on before going downstairs . The living room was empty , but Damon had taken him downstairs last night to show him where they kept the blood . His voice had even been kind when he 'd told him to help himself to as much as he wanted , any time he wanted . After three bags of blood , the ache was gone , and Jeremy sighed with relief . He went back to the living room , and cautiously opened one of the curtains a crack . He could see the sun shining outside without being directly in the sunlight . The ray of sunlight cut through the living room , illuminating specks of dust floating in the air . Needing to test the information Damon had given him , Jeremy stuck his hand into the beam . The immediate burning pain was intense . He snatched his hand away , and stared at the tiny spot of charred skin . " Believe me now ? " An amused voice came from behind him . Damon walked past Jeremy and closed the curtains , making sure no sun came through . He said casually , " It 'll be healed in a few seconds . Have you had any blood yet ? " " Yeah , " he said absently , as he watched his skin repair itself as if by magic . " Healing takes up energy . You 'll be hungry again in a few minutes . " Jeremy stared at his skin until it looked normal again . He touched the recently wounded area with his other hand , and then flexed his fingers . There were zero residual effects from the burn . He made eye contact with Damon and said with awe , " It 's healed . " " The mayor was killed last night , along with the other vampires , and Liz asked me to help calm his wife down . " Jeremy felt sorry for Tyler . He didn 't like the guy , but he felt empathy for anyone who lost a parent . Jeremy rolled his eyes . " I 'll be fine . " Squinting , Damon said , " Don 't let yourself get even a little bit hungry . Drink as much blood as you need . Don 't go outside for any reason . Don 't open the door for anyone except Elena . And don 't answer the phone unless it 's me . " Jeremy waved towards the door , and Damon left with reservations . Once he was alone , Jeremy dug through the things Elena had brought over . Within seconds he was listening to music and booting up his laptop . Hours later , when Damon got home , he noticed that Bonnie 's car was in the driveway next to Stefan 's . He almost drove away , not wanting to deal with Bonnie 's hatred , but he wanted to make sure she made a ring for Jeremy . He sighed and muttered , " Man up . " He forced a smile on his face as he walked into the living room . Elena was sitting on the couch , and Jeremy was lying down , with his head in her lap . She brushed the hair away from Jeremy 's face , and Damon could tell Jeremy had been crying . Stefan and Bonnie were nowhere to be seen . Damon lost the smile as soon as he made eye contact with Elena . " What ? " he asked . Elena shushed him gently , and then glared back at Damon . Damon 's eyebrows drew together while watching Jeremy . " You 're drunk ? " His eyes darted over to the bottles of alcohol that they usually kept on the end table by the couch . His voice went up a notch . " You 're drunk on my good scotch ? " Struggling for a second to get himself upright , Jeremy babbled , " I was soooo wrong . Remem ' ering is baaaad . I don ' wanna ' mem ' er anymore . " Damon looked to Elena for a better explanation . Elena said , " He was already drunk when we got here , but from what I can gather , he was listening to music , and a song reminded him of Vicki . That triggered his memories to come back . He apparently remembered everything you compelled him to forget . " " He 's sixteen , not six , and he was fine when I left ! " Damon crossed his arms . " How was I supposed to know he 'd be taking a trip down memory lane ? I couldn 't have predicted that ! " Damon wanted to deny it . He wanted to blame it on Jeremy . But found himself unable to do that . He 'd known that Jeremy was emotionally unstable . The kid had just committed suicide yesterday . And Damon had to admit he 'd been concerned earlier that day before he left . The accusation in Elena 's eyes made his stomach twist , and he promised , " It won 't happen again . " Bonnie shook her head . " I still don 't know if this was the right thing to do . " She glared at Damon . " Especially since he 's mixed up in all of this . " Bonnie rolled her eyes , not believing it for a second . Stefan said , " We appreciate your help Bonnie . Jeremy needs to be able to go back to school , and he wouldn 't be able to do that without you . " Bonnie nodded . As soon as they were gone , Elena took the ring to Jeremy and put it on his finger . Jeremy stirred long enough to look at it , and mumbled , " 's fugly . " " Yes you are , and he already told you he wants a sister , not a mother . " Damon walked over and put a gentle hand on Elena 's shoulder . " Why don 't you go make us some coffee ? Vampires sober up much quicker than humans . " Wanting desperately to help , but doubting Jeremy would accept it , Elena sighed and went to the kitchen . Once she was gone , Damon went to the basement and grabbed three bags of blood . He went back to Jeremy , grabbed his wrist , and yanked him into a sitting position . The kid groaned , but stayed up . Damon tossed the blood in his lap and said , " Drink . " Jeremy quickly grabbed a bag , and started drinking . Once all three bags were gone , Jeremy frowned . The room was no longer spinning when he closed his eyes , and the feeling of detachment he 'd had , was rapidly fading . He glared at Damon . " Good , " Damon said . " I need your full attention for this . " He grabbed Jeremy 's wrist again , and pulled him to a standing position . Jeremy didn 't have any difficulty staying upright . Damon kept a hand on him , and made him walk towards the same window he 'd tested the sunlight with earlier that morning . Jeremy tried pulling away when he saw where Damon was going , but couldn 't . Damon stood to the right side of the curtain with Jeremy , and then opened it a crack to let the sunlight in . Jeremy tried taking a step further back , but Damon kept a grip on his wrist , and shoved Jeremy 's hand into the sunlight . After a moment , Jeremy realized the ring was working , and stopped trying to pull away . He took a deep breath of relief , and said , " It works . " Damon kept the ring in his palm , and shoved Jeremy 's hand back into the sunlight . Jeremy screamed and tried to pull it back , but Damon wouldn 't let go until a significant portion of Jeremy 's hand was burnt . When Damon did let go , Jeremy stumbled backwards , and cradled the damaged hand to his chest . Damon held the ring up for Jeremy to see . " This ' fugly ' little ring is the difference between night and day for you , literally . You never take it off . Got it ? " Ignoring his sister , Jeremy glared at Damon with tears of pain on his face . " I wasn 't planning to take it off ! You ripped it off my friggin hand ! I already knew the sun would burn me ! " Damon turned , and got into Jeremy 's personal space . " Listen to me , you ungrateful moron , the alcohol has nothing to do with this . You may not believe me , but that lesson could save your life someday . You need to remember how much the sun hurts . Every single time you walk into the sunlight , you 'll remember this , and check to make sure the ring is on your finger . " Elena stepped in between them , and gently took Jeremy 's damaged hand . With unshed tears in her eyes , she turned to Damon . " You did this to him ? How could you , Damon ? " Keeping his voice quiet , Damon said , " This is me keeping my word . You may not agree with my methods , but I 'm keeping Jeremy safe . He 'll be healed in fifteen minutes . " She glared and turned her back on him . Linking her arm into her brother 's , Elena said , " Let 's go talk in the kitchen . I made some coffee for you . " Jeremy walked into his history class , and stopped short . There in the back row , Tyler was leaning over to Vicki , and whispering something in her ear . Feeling the usual jealous anger when he saw the two of them together , Jeremy 's shoulder 's tensed . He headed towards the third row , but stopped again , when Vicki made eye contact with him . To his amazement , she grinned and waved him towards them . Wary of the invitation , Jeremy checked Tyler 's reaction . Tyler rolled his eyes and whispered something to Vicki while pointing in Jeremy 's direction . Instead of laughing like Vicki normally did , she glared at Tyler , and punched him in the arm hard enough to make him flinch . Then loud enough for everyone in the class to hear , Vicki said , " Shut up . Jeremy 's my boyfriend , and if you can 't get past that , then we aren 't friends anymore . " Surprised , Jeremy scanned the faces of the classroom , and found most of them smiling at him . When he still didn 't move , Vicki got up , walked to him , and kissed him on the mouth . He heard some cheers and applause from the class . After a few seconds , Mr . Saltzman cleared his throat , and said with amusement , " If the two of you don 't mind , we have some history to go over . " Vicki pulled away , but kept her hand in Jeremy 's , and pulled him towards the back . Jeremy woke slowly , with a smile on his face . The smile faded into a confused frown when he realized he wasn 't in his own bed . Turning his head , he saw Stefan sitting in the armchair across the room . When their eyes met , Jeremy remembered yesterday afternoon 's conversation and scowled . Damon , Stefan , and Elena had all agreed that someone needed to watch him around the clock for the next few days , even though he 'd disagreed vehemently . They 'd sat at the kitchen table , drinking coffee , and arranging a schedule to watch him , despite his protests . " Hungry ? " Stefan asked . Jeremy rolled over , turning his back to Stefan , and refused to answer . He held himself tense for a few seconds , expecting Stefan to say something . When all he got was silence , the muscles in his shoulders relaxed , and his mind wandered to his recent dream . He remembered the way Vicki smelled , the way she tasted , the way she smiled just for him when they were alone , the excitement of skipping class and getting high with her . He felt tears building in his eyes , and hated Stefan for being there . Trying to keep his voice level , he said , " I am hungry . Will you go get me some blood ? " Shoving himself into a sitting position , Jeremy avoided his grief , and focused on his anger . " I want to be alone ! " Instead of rising to the anger , Stefan remained calm . " I 'm sorry , but that 's not happening . " He did know it . They 'd gone over it again and again yesterday , until he wanted to punch everyone in the room , including his sister . They were watching him around the clock for a few days to make sure he didn 't get drunk or high , and try to kill himself again . He 'd yelled that they couldn 't watch him every second of the day , especially if they were going to make him go to school . But after Damon threatened to call Bonnie , Caroline , Matt , Tyler , and Alaric to help keep track of him , he 'd quickly stopped arguing . Stefan said , " Remembering Vicki on top of losing Anna is a lot to deal with . None of us expect you to be able to keep it together right now . That 's why we 're helping . " With a sigh , Stefan got up , and sat on the opposite side of the bed . He put a comforting hand on Jeremy 's shoulder . Jeremy tried to jerk away from the touch , but Stefan just put his hand back where it had been . " Just this year I lost someone I loved too . Her name was Lexi . I know how much it hurts . Talking about it helps . " " Not right now . Maybe in a few months , after you 've had some time to adjust . " He hadn 't really expected Stefan to agree , and didn 't bother trying to talk him into it . After a few minutes of companionable silence , Jeremy 's stomach started to hurt . " I really am hungry . " Damon 's voice pulled Jeremy out of sleep with the words , " Get up . Time for school . " Blurry eyed , and momentarily confused , Jeremy looked at the empty chair Stefan had been sitting in when he 'd fallen asleep . Noting the confusion , Damon said , " Stefan 's already in the shower , and Elena will be here in half an hour to drive you two to school . Jeremy rolled over onto his stomach , put the pillow over his head , and mumbled , " School sucks . I wanna stay home . " The plaintive tone made Damon smile despite himself . A much younger Stefan had never wanted to get up for school either , and until he 'd left for war , it had been Damon 's responsibility to get him up . He crossed his arms and said , " Too bad . Get up . " Using the same method that never failed to get Stefan moving , Damon gave Jeremy a quick smack on the rear . " Hey ! " Jeremy complained . He brought his head up from under the pillow , leaned up to glare at Damon , and yelled , " What the hell ? " " You 're going to school today , even if I have to drag you there myself . " Jeremy opened his mouth to comment , but when he saw Damon raise his hand to smack him again , he moved at super speed to get out of the bed . With the bed between them , Damon crossed his arms , and raised an eyebrow in challenge . " Okay , okay . I 'm going . " Jeremy gathered some clothes , and headed to the bathroom to get ready . During the ride to school , Jeremy stewed in the back seat while Elena and Stefan went over the schedule . One of them would be checking on him after each of his classes . The instant Elena parked Jeremy jumped out of the car , and stalked off towards the school , wanting to get away from them . Stefan immediately caught up with him , roughly put a hand on the back of his neck and made him stop . Forcing a smile , Stefan said , " This is going to work one of two ways , Jeremy . Either you stay next to me by choice , or I keep you next to me by force . I 'm thinking the first option will be less embarrassing for you since there 's an audience . " Jeremy looked around , and saw other kids in the parking lot watching the two of them . He tried to push Stefan away , but it didn 't work , which only added to his humiliation . Gritting his teeth , Jeremy said , " Fine . I 'll stay next to you . Now let me go . " During his first class , Jeremy found himself feeling more and more alienated from his fellow classmates . He sat in the back , completely ignored the teacher , and focused on the other people his age . They smiled at each other , and talked about nonsense like who was dating whom , what they 'd watched on TV the night before , and what they were going to do on the weekend . The longer he listened , the more fury built in his chest . How could his friends be so happy and oblivious to the horror that surrounded their town ? Why did they get to be happy with parents and girlfriends that weren 't dead ? History was his second class of the day , and when he walked in , Mr . Saltzman said quietly , " See me after class . " Jeremy could tell that his teacher knew something was up , and rolled his eyes as he walked to the back of the class . He wasn 't sure what Alaric knew , but he was sure he didn 't want to talk about it with him . When class was over , Jeremy stayed in his seat until everyone had cleared out . When they were alone , he got up and said , " What did you want Rick ? " " Okay , " Stefan said , and closed the classroom door , so the two could be alone . Alaric turned to Jeremy , and said gently , " Stefan told me everything . How are you holding up ? " Jeremy lost the scowl . He 'd been expecting a lecture , not sympathy . " I drank myself into oblivion most nights , and wished I were dead most days . I pushed everyone away who tried to console me . I walked around hating everyone who dared to be happy when I was miserable . " " About a week after it happened , I drank so much that I passed out , and missed work . That day I realized I needed to do something , or I 'd lose my job . So I got rid of all the alcohol in my house . Then every morning as I got ready for work , I pictured my grief as a monster in my head , and I locked it in a cage . I forced myself to feel numb to get through the day , and then let myself miss her when I got home . " Alaric put a hand on Jeremy 's shoulder and said , " It will get better . You can always call me if you want to talk . " The three of them went to the cafeteria . Elena ate lunch , while Stefan and Jeremy ate a couple of bites , and then moved the food around on their trays , trying to blend in . Elena and Stefan spoke quietly , and mostly left Jeremy alone to his thoughts . Jeremy closed his eyes , and focused all his energy on trying to lock his emotional monster away . He felt something tingle at the base of his skull . He cocked his head to the side , and the tingle turned into a burn , before fading away completely . He opened his eyes , and suddenly realized he 'd succeeded . He didn 't feel anything . He wasn 't exactly numb , but he didn 't hurt . He took a deep breath , and for the first time in weeks , he felt clear headed and alert , instead of angry . Now that he was clear headed , he realized he was hungry . Keeping his head down , Jeremy waited patiently for the bell to ring . He let Elena walk him to his Algebra class , and when she asked how he was doing , he gave her an honest answer , and hoped it sounded sarcastic . " I 'm fine . " He waited for two full minutes to pass before raising his hand , and telling the teacher he felt ill . Once his teacher let him go , he quickly and quietly left the building . He headed towards the woods behind the school , where the stoners hung out , hoping to find some other kids who 'd decided to skip . # # # Demon could hear his brother 's voice in the background talking to someone . Elena said , " His teacher just told us that Jeremy was feeling sick right after class started . We 're going to go check the nurse 's office right now . " " Fine . Take Elena to her house , and tell her to stay there in case Jeremy goes home . Then you come over here in case he shows up at our house . If I can 't find him by the time school gets out , we can have Bonnie help . " In his unemotional state , Jeremy had newfound patients . He wandered the woods looking for a nice classmate to snack on , but couldn 't find anyone at the usual spots . Normally this would have irritated him , but now it only made him consider other options . He thought about going back to the Salvatore house , but quickly dismissed the idea . He wanted fresh blood , not something out of a refrigerated bag . After a few minutes of running through ideas , Jeremy decided on the gas station that Damon had taken him to the night before last . He loitered in the back next to the bathrooms , and waited to see who would come along . While he waited , he wondered if he 'd be able to stop himself in time . He tried to tally up the pros and cons of accidentally killing someone . There would be the body to deal with , and he knew drawing attention to the town because of a murder could make things harder for him in the long run . But on the other hand , it seemed like a waste of blood not to drink it all , and his hunger was getting stronger by the moment . The first person to walk past him , was a mother with two little kids . Jeremy realized he 'd want to find someone who was alone , just in case he couldn 't stop himself , or didn 't want to stop himself once he 'd started to drink . Trying to deal with more than one person at a time would be too much of a risk . Twenty minutes passed before a woman in a tasteful skirt and blouse walked by . While she was in the bathroom , Jeremy quickly checked the front of the gas station . There was only one car parked in the parking lot , and no one else was in it . He smiled and walked back to stand in front of the bathroom door . The woman gasped when she saw Jeremy standing so close when she opened the door . Using the compelling techniques that Damon had taught him , Jeremy ordered the woman to get in her car and drive half a mile up the road before pulling over . With obvious confusion , she did what he 'd asked . He met her there , and ordered her into the wooded area on the side of the highway . She followed him , asking him repeatedly why she was doing this . He ignored her until he couldn 't see the freeway anymore . Then he turned and ordered her to stand still . Without preamble , he grabbed her shoulder to hold her in place , and bit deeply into her neck . Fresh blood tasted so much better than the bagged stuff , Jeremy groaned with physical pleasure . He completely dismissed the idea of trying to stop himself , and drank her blood until he felt her go limp in his arms . Feeling his hunger truly quenched for the first time in days , Jeremy sighed with relief . He dumped the body onto the ground , wiped his mouth with the back of his hand , and tried to decide what to do with the body . The longer Damon searched for Jeremy , the more anxious he became . When he 'd stormed out of the house , he 'd been pissed , but that anger quickly turned to worry when he found no sign of the kid . He didn 't think he could take watching Elena cry again if he had to tell her he hadn 't been able to find her brother . Just as he was getting out his phone to call Stefan for an update , Damon saw an abandoned car on the side of the road . Putting the phone back in his pocket , he closed his eyes , and concentrated on his hearing . In the distance , he heard a scuffling sound , and went to investigate . He found Jeremy waist deep in a hole he was digging . A woman 's body lay beside the growing dirt pile . Damon noticed the woman 's eyes were wide open , staring blankly at the sky , and he knew without asking that Jeremy had figured out how to shut out his humanity . Jeremy hadn 't noticed him yet , and Damon didn 't alert him to his presence right away . Instead he frowned and considered his options for dealing with this turn of events . After he 'd formulated a plan , he plastered a pleasant expression on his face and said , " Need a hand ? " Startled by the sound , Jeremy almost dropped the flat rock he was using as a shovel . " Damon ? " Jeremy felt a tingling at the base of his skull , but he took a deep breath , and concentrated on not letting any emotions out . " The police in this town know about vampires . Your fang marks are as clear as day on her neck . You 're burying the body less than a hundred feet from her abandoned car . Once the police start looking for her , they 'll find her body within minutes of finding the car . That is unless you move the car , but moving the car is a bad idea because you 're likely to leave fingerprints or hair in it . " Jeremy slowly nodded in agreement , seeing the logic in everything Damon had said . " I hadn 't thought about it , but you 're right . This isn 't a good plan . What should I do ? " Damon stood , and held a hand out to Jeremy to help him out of the hole . Jeremy dropped the rock , grabbed Damon 's hand , and climbed out . " We 'll fill this back in first . The police will waste time digging it up looking for her . " The two had the hole filled in a couple of minutes . Once it was done , Damon picked up the woman in a fireman hold , and said , " We 'll bury her next to Cabin Creek on the edge of the old Lockwood estate . Know where that is ? " " Good . Follow me . " Damon moved at inhuman speed , and Jeremy followed . They were there in minutes , even though it was miles away . Soon they had the body buried in a secluded area that was difficult to get to on foot . After stomping the dirt down on top of the fresh grave , Jeremy said , " Thanks for helping me . This is a much better spot . " " You should have called me to tell me you wanted fresh blood . " Damon let a little irritation show . " I thought you 'd try to stop me . " Jeremy followed Damon into the house , and watched him poured himself a shot of whisky . Damon downed it in one gulp . As he set down his glass , Stefan stormed into the room , and got into Jeremy 's personal space . Damon gave Jeremy a look that clearly indicated that question wasn 't worth answering . Jeremy smiled and said , " It 's exactly like you said it would be . I don 't have to feel anything I don 't want to feel . " With a sigh , Stefan got out his cell phone . But Damon took it out of his hands before he could push any buttons . Damon said , " What are you doing ? " " Jeremy and I are going to work some things out , and I don 't want Elena to interfere . I don 't want you to interfere either . Go keep Elena company until I call . " Before Damon could answer , Jeremy made a dash for the front door . He wanted nothing to do with his emotions . He made it to the edge of the Salvatore property before Damon caught up to him . Damon tackled him , and they both tumbled down onto the grass . Damon quickly had them both standing , with a hand on Jeremy 's upper arm to make sure he wasn 't going anywhere . Damon said , " Like it or not , you 're letting your humanity back in . " " Hey ! What the hell ? " He protested , trying harder to get out of Damon 's grip . " Get your hands off me ! " Jeremy yelled , and put all his newfound strength into trying to get his arm away from Damon . He was dismayed to find that Damon didn 't even seem to notice the struggle . Damon swatted him even harder without breaking his stride towards the house . " Ow ! Knock it off ! " Damon said calmly , " Anger is the easiest emotion to trigger , and once you let that one back in , the rest will spill over . You don 't have enough experience to hold it in , so stop fighting it . " Damon stopped in front of the couch , and turned to Jeremy . " Yeah ? Well at least I 'm not a disobedient child ! You skipped school , you shut off your emotions , and you wandered off alone to find someone to drink from . I 'm pretty sure I told you not to do all of those things . " Damon reached down and unbuckled Jeremy 's belt , while Jeremy tried to back away . " What the hell are you doing ? " Jeremy 's voice was unusually high , showing his rising panic . " Stay out of this , Stefan . " Damon said , without looking back at his brother . He yanked the kid 's pants down to his knees , put a foot on the couch , and hauled Jeremy across his raised leg . " No ! " Jeremy shouted at the top of his lungs . His hands reached out instinctively to catch himself as he went forward , but they never came in contact with the floor , because Damon wrapped an arm around his waist . This kept him from falling , but also prevented him from standing back up . The base of his skull burned , and he couldn 't keep his anger or his fear locked up anymore . He awkwardly put one hand on the couch next to Damon 's foot and begged , " Stefan , help ! " Damon started smacking the navy blue briefs in front of him . Irritated with the lack of response , Stefan walked over , and caught Damon 's arm in mid swing . While the brothers glared at each other , Jeremy took a deep breath of relief . But that relief quickly turned to horror when he realized he felt nothing at the base of his skull . His emotions were running rampant . Anger , frustration , and embarrassment all swirled around his head , making his stomach twist . Damon tilted his head down to indicate Jeremy and said , " I 'm trying to be the good older brother here . Yes , I 've thought this through , and yes , it 's the best way to help him . " While Stefan considered that , Jeremy squirmed to get away , and yelled , " This isn 't helping , and you 're not my brother ! " Damon turned to Stefan with his eyebrows raised , to see if he understood . Stefan frowned , unhappy with Damon 's methods , but had to admit that Jeremy would have a difficult time keeping his emotions in under this kind of onslaught . With a reluctant sigh , he said , " No . " " No ? What do you mean no ? " Jeremy yelled . Stefan turned and walked out to the sound of Jeremy yelling , " You can 't just leave me here with him ! Stefan ! Elena wouldn 't want you to ! Please , Stefan ! " Damon 's determination grew when he heard the front door shut . Wanting to prove that Stefan 's trust was justified , he turned back to the boy over his knee , raised his hand , and started a steady stream of smacks . " Aaahh ! " Jeremy yelled with frustration . With each new swat , his anger towards Damon grew , and so did the pain . He tried to keep his mouth shut , not wanting to give Damon the satisfaction . He bit his lip to keep quiet , but his stoicism lasted less than a minute . Small grunts of pain started escaping first , and when he couldn 't muffle those anymore , he blurted out , " I fucking hate you ! " Shaking his head , Jeremy said , " I can 't w ! can 't think about that . " Yes you can , I know you don 't want to , but you have to . " " No I don 't ! Owww ! Just let me up ! Ah ! I 've already lost control of all my w ! all my emotions , so you 've won . O ! N w leave me alone ! " @ Unable to ignore the fear those words evoked , or the pain that didn 't seem to be going away very quickly , Jeremy swallowed his pride , and said quietly , " No . Please , Damon . Please just let me up , and I 'll 'll think about her . " The kid 's eyes got to Damon in a way that none of his yelling had . With a sigh , he hauled Jeremy back into a standing position , took his foot off the couch , and said , " Fix your pants . " Once Jeremy had yanked his jeans back into place , Damon put a hand on each of his shoulders and said , " She was married , Jeremy . That means you ripped her away from her husband the same way those men ripped Anna away from you . The same way Stefan and I ripped Vicki away from everyone who loved her . " With a weak shake of his head Jeremy whispered , " No . " He desperately wanted it not to be true , but he did remember the ring . Tears started spilling down his face , when he realized he 'd caused someone else the same emotional trauma he 'd been trying to escape . Damon said , " The way you feel right now is the reason I wouldn 't show you how to shut it out . And I 'm not going to let you do it again , because none of us want you to become a monster like me . " The weight of what he 'd done was too much for Jeremy to take . He put his head in his hands , and sobbed . He would have fallen to his knees if Damon hadn 't held him up . Wincing at the loss of innocence he heard in Jeremy 's tears , Damon pulled him into an awkward hug . He understood the self - hatred , the crushing guilt , and the sick horror that came from taking another person 's life . He 'd tucked those emotions safely away for over a hundred years , but even if they hadn 't been escaping lately ; he would still remember what it felt like the first time he 'd killed a man , because he 'd been human at the time . It was during his first day of combat in the Civil War , and he 'd killed more than one . The battle itself was a bloody violent blur , but he clearly remembered pressing his face into his bedroll that night to muffle the sound of his tears . He hugged Jeremy tighter and murmured , " I know . " Too caught up in despair to refuse the comfort , Jeremy pressed his forehead into Damon 's shoulder , and grabbed a fistful of the older man 's shirt . All he could think about was the expression of terror on the woman 's face as he lured her away from her car , and the image of her dead body lying on the ground with a blank stare . For several minutes , Damon just held the shaking boy , hoping that the physical comfort helped . A couple of times , the crying seemed to taper off , only to come back in full force . The third time the tears started to lessen , Damon patted Jeremy 's back once , and gently pushed him away from his chest . Unable to face the older man , Jeremy kept his eyes glued to the floor , and wiped at his face with his hands and sleeves . He muttered , " Sorry . " To help Jeremy get through the next few days , Damon decided to make things black and white for him . He knew that blindly following orders had helped him get through his second day of combat . " No more running off alone until I tell you you 're off suicide watch . No more trying to feed from someone without me around to make sure you stop in time . And no more shutting out your humanity , period . " Fresh tears went down Jeremy 's face . " Elena 's gonna hate me . " Damon rolled his eyes as he dialed . " No she won 't , she loves you . " He had no problem forcing Jeremy 's humanity back into place , but he didn 't exactly want to deal with the kid 's emotions now that they were back . In his mind , that job clearly belonged to Stefan and Elena , who were much better suited to the task . Stefan answered his cell phone immediately with the words , " Are you done ? " " Yes . Hurry back , " Damon said , and hung up . He saw Jeremy wiping at more tears , and had to pour himself a double . As they waited in silence , Damon became more and more anxious to leave . Hearing Jeremy 's gut wrenching regret had stirred up long dead feelings , and he found himself unable to shut them out the way he had in years past . Elena said , " Thank you , " as she rushed past Damon and into the house to see Jeremy . Damon raised an eyebrow and turned to Stefan . He said , " She means thanks for finding him . I didn 't tell her what you were doing when I left . I assume it worked ? " Suddenly angry , Stefan called after him , " I thought things might be different between us now , but here I am cleaning up your mess like usual . " Damon was in front of Stefan , and invading his personal space , before Stefan could blink . The brothers faced off . Damon grabbed Stefan 's upper arm , and hissed , " Can you still shut it out ? " Damon glanced back to the house to make sure they were still alone , and growled , " Well , I can 't anymore ! " He shoved Stefan away , and stalked off to his car . Watching his brother drive away , Stefan finally understood why he felt closer to him than he had in years . Damon was getting his humanity back whether he liked it or not . Jeremy felt the sun on his face , and opened his eyes . He could see the outline of tree branches above him , but in his peripheral vision , he saw dirt . He tried to sit up , but couldn 't move his body . The dirt was all around him weighing him down , suffocating him . He tired to scream , but nothing came out . A hand on his shoulder woke Jeremy out of his dream . He jerked himself into a sitting position . Breathing hard , and feeling ill , he gave Stefan a grateful , " Thanks for waking me up . " " I was lying in the bottom of a fresh grave , and I couldn 't move . The dirt piled up on me , pushing me down . " Jeremy rubbed his face with his hand , trying to lose the panicky feeling the dream had given him . Stefan shook his head , and sighed . " Probably trying to make it up the stairs . He stumbled in drunk about two - thirty , and he 's been in the living room since then . " Stefan could see the confusion in Jeremy 's expression , and added , " Dealing with you today , brought up some feelings he 'd rather not have , and he can 't shut it out anymore . " Stefan said , " I heard Damon tell you that anger is the easiest emotion to bring out in people , and while there may be some truth in that , love is a hundred times stronger . Once you feel love , it 's nearly impossible to lock it away . That 's why it was so easy for Damon to force your humanity back in . You loved Anna and Vicki , and those relationships were very recent . You also love your Aunt Jenna , and Elena . Love is the best reason not to shut it out again . You can 't feel the joy of being in love with someone without your humanity . " Seeing the truth in that , Jeremy said , " I don 't plan on trying to shut it out again . " He looked down at his lap and added , " I hate myself for what I did today . No way do I want to have more things to hate myself for . " They both heard Damon 's bedroom door shut . " At least he made it to his room , " Stefan muttered . " Talk about setting a bad example . " " Are you crazy ? " Stefan asked . He thought having Jeremy around would actually help his brother deal with his own emotions , but he kept that to himself . " You 're not going anywhere until Damon lets you . Unless you wanted a repeat of this afternoon 's spanking ? " Jeremy lay back down , groaned , and put his pillow over his face . Taking pity on the kid , Stefan pulled the pillow off his face and said . " I 'm kidding . Give it a year or two . If you don 't go around pulling idiotic stunts like you did today , you shouldn 't have anything to worry about . " Jeremy certainly wasn 't planning to make waves again , and Damon really had helped him adjust . He said , " A year doesn 't sound too bad . " After a pause , he pushed himself up on one elbow and said , " Wait . Who does Damon love ? " " No , I do think he loves Elena . But I think he also loves me , and you , and Caroline , and the Sheriff , and Katherine , and Anna , and this town , and this house . Loving Elena may have opened the door , but now that it 's open , he can 't close it . And since his emotions are free for the first time in years , they 're going to make up for lost time . " " Sorry , " Stefan said , without any real repentance . He understood why Jeremy was nervous about Damon 's reactions right now , but hoped it wouldn 't last for more than a couple of days . Damon without his humanity was dangerous and unpredictable , but Damon with his humanity intact was a decent guy who could be trusted . With a smile , Stefan went back to his chair to keep an eye on him while he slept . Jeremy rolled over , got comfortable , and let his mind wander . He was still miserable with grief and self - hatred , but he also had to admit that a newfound sense of security was building in him . There was security in knowing that Damon , Stefan , and Elena were going to make sure he kept himself in check for the next year or two . That security gave him the willpower to keep going , and it gave him hope that things could eventually get better . Praying for no more nightmares , Jeremy let himself drift off to sleep . |
I managed to make it through another birthday without anyone making a fuss over me . My brother Barry came by during the day and we had lunch . I had an offer to have dinner with Carolyn but decided to eat with my sister and her family instead . Lisa called just to chat and she forgot it was my birthday . I had to remind her . Mom mailed me a card . That was pretty much it . No presents . I guess I will treat myself to something at some point . I made it through my money crisis - today I got paid . I hope I can get to the 15th a little better this time . I 'm pretty sure I have no unexpected expenses coming in the next 2 weeks . Now that the storm is over there is just the aftermath to deal with . My boat is fine and once my lights came on on Monday I was pretty well back to normal . The office closed on Monday and with no power I had the whole day open . I took my food to my sisters and got on the boat early and returned it back to it 's normal state and it wasn 't even lunch time . I spent a good part of the day napping and listening to the radio . Since I only had a couple of dollars and was still waiting for payday on Wednesday I figured I would just bum around all day . The weather outside was sunny and warm so I sat outside for a while . Then at about 3 I got a call from Carolyn . She was at work and her son was home with no power . I knew there was a generator there and with nothing else to do I figured I would go over there and see if it would start . First I needed to open the garage . I managed to find the bypass to the electric door opener and get inside . Then got the generator out to the driveway with Wayne 's help . I only had a vague idea how it worked but within 10 minutes it was running . Within an hour we had power to the refrigerator and freezer and had a light in the kitchen . So I spent the rest of the afternoon with Carolyn 's son Wayne playing chess . . . he 's good but not good enough to beat me . I was basically waiting for Carolyn to get home . Odd thing about them . . . they don 't watch TV . Wayne likes the Internet but I haven 't figured out what Carolyn does to relax . When Carolyn got home she fired up the grill and reheated some pasta . It was a nice dinner . I was there until almost 11 . I was more than ready to go . To be honest I am frustrated . I was glad when I got home and found the lights were on . Tuesday was my birthday and since no trains were running I set up to work from home . Before I 'd even gotten started I got a call from Carolyn . I thought she was just calling to wish me happy birthday , but she really wanted me to come and start the generator . Apparently Wayne wouldn 't do it . I got him on the phone and told him he needed to get it done . He was really getting me mad . He is a good kid but he is very hard to motivate . I thought he would just take care of it but I guess I expect too much from a 14 year - old . Carolyn met me later so I could give her a 5 gallon gas can for the diesel . I asked her if Wayne is always like that and she says only with her . He reacts different when a man tells him something . I threw my 2 cents in if for no other reason than to get it out . I said I 'm not his dad and he needs to step up more . But I dropped it from there . She is doing her best . So if you wonder why I 'm not pushing to be her guy that is a big part of it . It 's become apparent to me that she is a package deal and I 'm not that anxious to go there . Later I called her and she really wanted me to come by . But I wanted to go home . I just didn 't want to go . She doesn 't want to sleep with me and other than getting together to go out on the boat I 'm becoming very uninterested . I did make a promise to take them out tonight . We will see . I survived Hurricane Irene intact . I am now out the other side better than I was . I walked out my front door in the morning and this is what I saw . Some branches were down and a few big trees went over but not in front of my house . You can 't see it in this picture but there are some big branches and trees on the ground way down the street . The lights were out at about 2 AM and they did not come back on until late Monday night . . . slightly less than 48 hours . I moved my freezer stuff to my sister 's house as she did not lose her lights at all . My house was never really a concern so I didn 't spend much time worrying about it . It was the boat that was my biggest worry . I woke up early and of course there were not lights . I managed to get the radio working and learned that the hurricane was now a tropical storm and would be right over the marina right about the same time as high tide . I figured the best thing would be to park up the street and walk down the hill . It was a little scary as the wind was still howling but the rain wasn 't coming down as hard . When I got to the beach there was no beach . The water was flowing right into the parking lot . I got to the boats and I knew I needed to slack lines as the boats were being pushed up higher than the limit of the docks . I had this picture in my mind of seeing boats all half sunk and in disarray . I was relieved to see all the boats afloat . It wasn 't quite high tide yet so there were still things to worry about . I had a bad feeling that I had not put out enough slack on my boat or Carolyn 's boat . When I got there I could see that I was right and jumped on Carolyn 's boat right away and let some line out . With that I checked my boat and that was fine . Within the hour the tide started to recede and the crisis was mostly over . I was tired and soaking wet but I felt like all my fears were unfounded . I called Carolyn and told her all the boats were fine and she could relax . Of course her lights were out and they still are to now . I guess I can talk about that in my next post . I was having a hard time sleeping last night and overslept . I missed my train . I guess I 'm a little worried about this storm coming . I have a few things to prepare that I will try to do tonight . When I get home tonight I will head down to the marina and get as much stuff down below as I can . I am planning to add some extra lines and try to get things as safe as I can . The forecasters are driving me crazy . The NYC weather people keep saying it will go east and might cross LI in Queens . But Newsday predicts it will come ashore somewhere near Bayshore . That puts the marina right about in the middle . What ever happens will happen at about midday Sunday . High tide is at about 10 : 30 AM . That will be when there is the most at risk . That will be my entire weekend . There isn 't any money available until Wednesday so hopefully I don 't need to do anything like gas up the car or go out for food . The plans for Saturday was to see J . Geils ' Band but that 's been cancelled . I 'm sure come Monday I will be involved with cleaning up . There is a chance to get out for a little bit tonight . Maybe something will come of that . Hurricare Irene is heading this way and I expect that this weekend 's activities will be impacted . My sister has tickets to a great concert on Saturday but it looks unlikely that it will happen . I recall this occurring a few years ago where we had a show get cancelled and we never had the storm but I can 't remember the specifics . Maybe I can look it up in a prior entry . I took my last $ 20 out of my checking account yesterday so I could buy cat litter and motor oil . I 'm not sure which one I more desperately needed but I have all of $ 14 left until next Wednesday . Since my birthday is Tuesday that pretty much means a very subdued celebration . Maybe the storm is good since I won 't feel like I 'm missing much as everyone hunkers down to ride it out . I went down to the boat to check on what I need to do last night . Just prior to midnight I got text messaged from Carolyn . She is worried about her boat but since I 'd gone to check on it I told her everything was fine with her boat as well as mine . She wants to take down her canvas today . I will need to do the same but probably wait until Saturday . Storm should hit late enough that I can get it done . I am a little concerned . Carolyn and I haven 't spoken all week so I was glad to hear from her although it would have been nice to plan something . She seems to be super busy so I 'll give her time and space and not worry too much about it . I think she knows how I feel and the best thing for me to do is just leave it alone . I don 't know why I keep obsessing on things that I can 't change . I knew this would happen to me even as I was experiencing it . I 'm referring to Lisa . Ten days ago she came to my house and told me how she isn 't getting along too well with Carmine . Even as she told me this I knew I there were bells and whistles going off in my head . I 've been thinking about this constantly ever since . I mean why would she need to come to my house to tell me about this . I 'm of the opinion that Lisa is like a chess player and she always has three more moves she wants to make . Is she telling me because she needs a place to land or did she just want to unburden herself ? If I had been more up front would she have slept with me ? Last Friday I saw Carolyn instead of her mostly because Carolyn called me first . I am so conflicted about that decision . Was Lisa there alone or was Carmine with her ? Was she considering making a move towards me ? Things I 'm never going to know since I haven 't spoken to Lisa since . I 've also not really talked to Carolyn since that night . Maybe I 've been playing one off the other and neither one is responding to that . Being as I 'm on a tight budget for the next week I can 't really call and see if I can make something happen . So I 'm feeling very powerless and alone . But I am following the course I set out on and need to maintain focus . If something happens I would like to be ready for it . I still have three more months of loan payments before I can again have some financial flexibility . Posted by I 've been taking a longer and longer time between posts . Maybe it 's lack of inspiration or maybe it 's just summer . It seems like all my blogger friends have been away for the month and ignored the blog . I just hope everyone is having fun and not in any serious problems preventing access to the Internet . My life on the edge continues . My edge right now is financial in that I 've pretty much spent all my walking around money with 2 weeks before my next paycheck . This because my IRS tax bill came due and since I 'd given them the info needed to draw the money from my checking account they did just that . Up until then I 'd paid via check and figured they were accepting that and I would be able to send the last of the money on the 1st . I consider it fortunate that I had enough to pay and still was able to pay all my bills as well . Just not I can 't really do anything that requires money . So on Friday I got a call from Carolyn to have a drink before she went into the grocery store I told her I would love to come but she would have to pay . I 'd already told her about what happened to me so she was sympathetic and we enjoyed a drink . While I was there I got a text from Lisa to come to GC Downtown to hear the music . She had said she would be there with her fiance and since I never committed I didn 't think she would miss me . When Lisa started texting me I showed it to Carolyn and she was telling me I should go . This made me conflicted and also bothered me for another reason I 'll get to . If Lisa had told me she would be there alone I might have been more open to it but since she has told me she how she feels that her future with Carmine seems to be almost at an end I 'm not feeling like I want to hang with them together . At that moment my prospects with Carolyn seemed more realistic than whatever Lisa has up her sleeve . Especially since Carolyn called me and it would just be the two of us . But then when Carolyn started insisting I should have gone to see the band in GC it made me start to wonder just how much she wanted me there . She suddenly seems so indifferent to things . We have spent a lot of time together in the last few months and I 've really enjoyed getting to know her but clearly this is not evolving like I 'd hoped . So with that I said good night before it was too late and was home by 10 . Meanwhile the weather had turned nasty , with thunder , lightning , wind and rain . So I knew the music was probably over pretty early . I returned a last text to Lisa who said she would be busy most of the weekend . And that was pretty much that for the weekend . Since I was totally broke I couldn 't do much of anything and no one even called me to see how I was . I spent most of my entire Saturday and Sunday in the house with the cat . I 've been here before . I go from having multiple choices on Friday to nothing for the rest of the foreseeable future . It usually turns around at some point . My birthday is a week from tomorrow so let 's hope I can find someone who at least will say hello before then . Seems like I 'm not posting as much as I was earlier this summer . Life is in a holding pattern everywhere right now . I am getting out and did take Wednesday off to take Carolyn and her kids to the beach . Well , fact is they took me as it was their plan and not mine . But I did feel very much like a part of the family . That is right up to the point where Carolyn had a phone call from her attorney notifying her that her brother had filed papers asking that she pay him monies out of her mother 's estate in the amount of $ 20 , 000 plus court costs , what ever they are . Naturally she was freaking out pretty much for the rest of the day . I pretty much had to try to settle her down between moments of crying and rage . And we aren 't even a couple or even had anything that would indicate to me we will ever have that . To top it all off I bought dinner for them at an outdoor restaurant and my debit card had insufficient funds and was denied . Lucky I had my Visa with me and had just enough to pay with that . I estimated that I had more than $ 300 in my account so it was a mystery to me what had happened . When I looked up my account when I arrived home the IRS had banged my account for $ 313 . I knew I owed that and I had made payments with checks regularly since April . I did give them permission to access my account but they had waited for me to remit by check in July so I was hoping I could send the money later in the month . But it is done and now I 'm left with about $ 20 until next paycheck which is not until last day of August . All my bills are paid and there is food in my house so I just would need money for walking around . But I won 't be doing much of that unless I can float some kind of loan . I may just stay around the house the next 2 weekends and go out on the boat . Money problems and not much else so it 's easy to see why I 've been not putting much here . Don 't expect much the next 2 weeks . Posted by Seems as though every time I think my life is headed in one direction something happens to make me feel like I am going down an icy road with no brakes . Things have more or less completely stalled with Carolyn . She found other things to do this weekend than spend with me . This despite the fact that I spent Saturday taking her son out on the boat all day . I am not even sure where she was since she didn 't find time to talk to me other than a single text message last night . I did go to her house late Friday night though . Wayne had lost his phone somewhere the week before and when I looked under the seat of my car there it was . I used this as an excuse to go see her after watching the music in Downtown GC . She was planning to go to work on Saturday and she was also dealing with her daughter 's car repair . So I just planned my Saturday around taking Wayne out and in fact we really had a wonderful day of sailing . It was the first time Wayne had been sailing a big boat and there wasn 't much wind early in the day so we got a chance to relax and sailed the boat around the Sound . As the day continued the wind built and by late afternoon we were moving along nicely . We had to tack a number of times before I started up the engine at about 5 : 00 . It was a good day . By the time we cleaned the boat and got things closed up at was past 6 . I called Carolyn to see if we could plan dinner but I only got voice mail . So I ended up dropping Wayne off at home and spent my Saturday night wondering why I didn 't hear from her . I would have thought she would have called if only to see how her son was . So now I 'm thinking it was Saturday and I believe she was working but she had to finish that at some point . My mind is thinking she had a date and didn 't want to tell me about it . Or she finished work and was so spent from that she just wasn 't up to a conversation . What ever it is I 'm feeling a little minimized . Sunday we had talked about going to the store . There was a huge rain all morning so I was not surprised that it didn 't happen . But I also never heard from her all day . So that with Saturday silence gives me the impression she is just not ever going to be any more than someone I can see as a friend . When she sent me a text late on Sunday night she stated that the car was having major problems . I am trying to rationalize this into being a very stressful event that she was having and didn 't want to deal with anything . Fine . I managed to get other things done on Sunday . I went to the liquoer store and bought groceries . While I was out I got a text that Lisa wanted to stop by . That never happens but I told her I would be home in an hour . I thought she just wanted to find out from me all about Carolyn since I 'd not really told her anything . Turns out there was more than that . She has been living with Carmine for about 4 years and they got engaged last New Years . While I 'm more than a little attracted to her , she has always been my number one , I have been trying to let her go as much as possible . Still we have emails and phone calls at least once a week . So even with that I was shocked when she told me she was not very happy with her relationship . They don 't share much intimacy . . . okay . . . sex . She said weeks and months go by . My response was that I only wish it was months because for me it 's been years . I actually heard myself asking her to come into the bedroom and solve both our problems . Of course she said no . That clearly wasn 't what she had on her mind . I really have no idea what I 'm doing any more . Things can never be easy . I seem to be wasting my time on people that don 't want the things that I do . I know I shouldn 't complain but life is so very hard sometimes . I have money issues mounting day by day . I see a solution but that will take about 4 months . Can I last that long . What will my sacrifices need to be . Monday night I managed to get myself invited to Carolyn 's for dinner and then we made plans to do some night time fishing off of her boat with her son Wayne . Both of these things were fun although not really leading anywhere . There was a discussion with her about her past relationships and how she now feels in general about things . I am sort of reaching the conclusion that Carolyn has almost become phobic about any intimacy at all . I now feel her not wanting to kiss me is more a reflection on her life than on how she feels about me . What is so odd is how flirty she can be with people she has just met . I an no therapist but I can gather from what she has told me there there has been some abuse in her life , both physical and mental . I am doubting that I could ever be the one who is strong enough to get her past that . So with that let me get to what is bothering me today . Last night the three of us returned from fishing , where we caught exactly zero fish , it was late , maybe a little past 11 . As you might expect the marina was quiet with us being the only boat with people on it . We get into the dock and Carolyn notices there is a note that someone has left for her . It was a request for a date from some other guy who has a boat . At first Carolyn was a little upset , but I told her she should be a little flattered . And I guess maybe she was . I didn 't see what she did with the note but I don 't think she threw it away . But here is my thing . . . he did this while she was out with me . I can 't say for sure if he saw me but geez , do I have so little game that guys can just proposition girls right in front of me when I am taking them out ? How would I be able to change that ? My ego is taking a big hit today . It would be one thing if Carolyn was actually getting close to me but since I don 't see that coming my mind is playing out an entire process where I 'm left behind and I get to see the girl I like go off with some guy that just shows up . I know it isn 't really Carolyn 's fault that guys are as attracted to her as I am . I don 't know if I want to see where this goes . Has it really been a week already ? I don 't know why but I have been procrastinating everything lately . I must be regressing because I found myself out to dinner with Coleen last week . Out of no where she called and wanted to go to our favorite Indian restaurant . I am still very much infatuated by her even if I now no longer feel like she is ever going to see me in a sexual way . I was feeling a like Carolyn and I are stuck in neutral so I accepted her invite and it was a nice night out even if I can 't really afford it right now . The original plan was to go out on Tuesday but it got changed to Thursday . I wasn 't considering Wednesday because for the last month I 'd been getting together with Carolyn on Wednesday and I wanted to leave myself the opportunity . But Carolyn never got in touch with me and since it was raining I kind of figured being outside wasn 't a good plan . But I went down to the boat anyway and Carolyn was there . We kind of had an odd moment where I just made excuses about the rain . She was fine but still she seems to have expectations . So I told her I 'd talk to her later in the week . The dinner with Coleen was okay . She wanted to know all about Carolyn . I kind of told her that things are just doing boat things and not romantic although I do see possibilities . She said she was very happy for me which just confuses the hell out of me . She got a little mad when I must have said something about her and Carolyn as she said I should not compare the two of them . To be honest I don 't think I would . But like always she came back around and we had an enjoyable dinner . I drove the car home even though it was her car and the whole way home she kept trying to find songs that I would sing the words to . I guess she likes it when I sing in the car . I 've missed those kind of things . Friday at the end of the day I sent an email to Carolyn just to see if there would be any response . She was sending me back one word replies so I just figured she was wrapped up in some situation and didn 't seem to want to commit to anything after work . I was also assuming she had plans with someone else . I mean she is so attractive I have to think she gets propositioned all the time . So it was a big surprise when at 7 o ' clock my phone rang and she was calling to see if I 'd come out . She was at a restaurant bar near where I used to live so I knew where she was . I am so easy . I was in my car on my way to her within 5 minutes . I got there and she was surrounded by 2 waiters and the bartender . It was a restaurant bar so no one else was there . Eventually the " staff " went to work and I had her to myself . We drank a bottle of wine and then I went with her to the grocery store . How we ended up doing that I 'm not even really sure . We made a plan for Saturday night but at 6 PM she called and cancelled leaving me pretty much high and dry . I ended up staying in the house and making an early night . I didn 't even have a drink . By Sunday I was feeling a little lonely and sorry for myself . I amused myself by playing computer baseball . The weather on Sunday was forecast to be cloudy with rain all day . But at 11 o ' clock I saw sunshine and was shocked that it stayed that way . I wish I had taken the boat out but I wasn 't going down there without any plan . Then at a little past 12 I got a text message from Coleen . I tried to see if she would go to the beach . She said she would meet me at the bar which I thought meant we would go to the beach from there . But what she really wanted was to grab some food there and hang out . That was my best offer all weekend so I met her there . While there Carolyn called me . How do I go from nothing on Saturday and then on Sunday I double down ? I ended up taking Carolyn and her son Wayne out to dinner . And I am tentatively having dinner there tonight . I figure if we keep making plans there has to be something going on . At least I can 't say I 'm lonely . Is this different or more of the same ? Friday , Saturday and Sunday were good times with all different people . Mostly . Seems like my weekend are gone in a blur and suddenly here I am back in the office trying to assess what happened . I guess I can start with Friday . For some strange reason Coleen wants to spend time with me and I have been avoiding it . I went down to see the music Friday and she had indicated to me she would be there . Then she texted me that she was in the bar and that I should come there . But I had some things to do first and never did make it there . When I go downtown the music was just getting started so I went straight there and saw Janet and Roberta right away . While it was nice to see them I 'm just not feeling like I want to hang out with them so much any more . I get such a strange vibe now as if there is a wall gone up and I 'm responsible for it . Which I know is true . The music was this really good Motown cover band and Roberta just loves to dance and so do I so before too long I was on the dance floor with her . For some reason I wasn 't really into it . My feet hurt and my back was sore and I really just wasn 't feeling like I wanted to be there . Was it because I had hopes that Coleen would come down or maybe I just wanted to hear from Carolyn . It was mostly that . Lisa had also mentioned she wanted to come down but she called and said she was going to a wake . Whatever it was I was trying to forget all that and enjoy the moment when Janet was there dancing with us . Then this random guy came over and was dancing with Janet and I couldn 't figure out who he was but Janet must know him . For some reason it bothered me . It all goes back to what I suspect is this secret life Janet has that she wants no one to know about . Or at least she doesn 't want me to know about . It 's a big part of why I no longer feel comfortable around these girls any more . They don 't want dates or boyfriends but they have their little hookups and I 'm supposed to not notice or care . I just wanted out and I stayed and listened to the music and no one else showed up oMikeg5162000 |
It was very quiet at the commune . With the holidays over , bakery sales went way down . The stuff in the EcoGreenhouse wasn 't quite ready to pick . The Christmas guests were all gone and Ken , Marge , Viv , and Dan were still away . It was just Luna and Cat and Sal and Nancy at the house and there wasn 't a lot for any of them to do . Cat went into the kitchen to help her . Sal and Luna decided to inspect the EcoGreenhouse , to see how the crops were doing and just to make sure that everything was running okay . They looked and they looked , but there wasn 't any problems to find . " My parents never let me stay up , " said Nancy . " One year I defied them and hid behind the couch . I think I was ten . I heard them popping corks and yelling ' Happy New Year ' at midnight , so I jumped up and yelled ' Surprise ! ' . " She giggled . " I was grounded for a week . " " No one in my family stayed up to see the new year , " said Luna . " We were a farm family and up early every morning , so we went to bed early every night . " She blushed . " Actually , this is my first time doing this . " There was also a tree in a corner of the dining room and boughs and branches and holly and ivy everywhere . There was even a sprig of mistletoe above a side doorway . Not that anyone in the commune needed encouragement to kiss , but it was traditional . " I wish , " Marge replied . " We lost our parents last year and she won 't go anywhere . She gets depressed at the holidays . As I said , I don 't want her alone . " Christmas morning came clear and very cold . It had snowed a couple of days before and , with the frigid temperatures , it didn 't look like the eighteen inches of snow on the ground was going away any time soon . The sky was blue , the snow glistened , and at the commune , four folks were in the kitchen , preparing a yuletide feast . " He was being an old grouch so I decided I 'd join the commune for Christmas . Besides , he was so busy watching the game when I left , he may not even know that I 'm gone . What can I do to help ? " Sal and Nancy herded the crowd into the kitchen . Luna 's mother helped her and Sal steam up veggies . Ralph , Ed , Amanda , and Steve started fixing up the dining room and setting the table . Dinner was a joyous and somewhat raucous feast . Lots of jokes , lots of laughter , lots of affection . At one point Sal started nibbling on Nancy 's ear . " Stop it , " Nancy said , but she was giggling . " Later . " The timing wasn 't too bad , given that most of the new winter structures were up . Luna and Viv were working with the plants in the coldframes , hoophouses , and EcoGreenHouse , but the harvests were small and Sal was able to mostly handle the farm stand , with occasional help from Marge . On the other hand , Cat and Nancy were pretty busy with holiday sales on pies and breads and cakes . Cat had created three new types of winter themed cupcakes including a latke flavored cupcake with an applesauce topping crowned with a dreidel . It turned out that Cat had been raised in a Jewish household , as had Sal . Luna was finding this out . She had just started hanging evergreens around the house , thinking that they 'd look festive . Marge and Ken had been helping her . " Sure , " replied Luna . " I was figuring we 'd have a Hanukkah celebration as well as a Christmas celebration . And maybe we 'd celebrate Solstice as well . " " Well , I don 't , " said Marge . " I was raised in a mixed household . My father was Catholic and my mom was Jewish . We celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas every year but our big holiday was Pesach . " " Passover , " said Marge . " And I 'm going to make sure that we celebrate it big here . And if you 're so Jewish identified , how come I 've never seen you celebrate Shabbat ? " " I 'm pagan identified these days . That 's why I 'm putting up evergreens . What makes you think that they have anything to do with the birth of Christ ? " " Look , " Marge went on . " I think we should celebrate Shabbat here , and Pesach and the Solstices and Beltane and Samhain and Christmas and Hanukkah . Why not celebrate it all ? " The first night of Hanukkah , Nancy and Marge created a spread that included a vegetable stir - fry and lots of latkes and applesauce and sour cream . Marge also made blintzes . And , besides latke cupcakes , Cat made rugelach and special jam filled doughnuts . " Contrary to the rumors around here , I 'm not Jewish , " Peter said . " I 'm actually a Lutheran from the Midwest but , hey , I 'm up for any celebration , particularly if it involves good food . And this food looks truly amazing . " " Well , you can 't eat yet , " Marge said . She started motioning for people to come around the table holding the menorah . When everyone was gathered , she lit the tallest candle on the menorah . " This is the shamash , the servant candle . " Then Ken ( who was the youngest one there ) used the shamash to light one more candle . People stood admiring the light for a while and then Sal took the menorah and moved it to a table by the front window . " I 'd like to see Hillary Reagon complain about that , " she said . When people had finished , everyone helped clean up and get the dishes washed and dried . Then Sal and Marge brought out dreidels and gelt ( chocolate coins ) . Together they gave lessons in dreidel spinning and gambling to everyone still hanging out . Then they divided the gelt among those that wanted to play and the spinning began . For a while it looked like Ralph was going to be the big winner of the night , but then Cat , who had seemed to be holding back , began raking up the geld taking most of Ralph 's stash away from him . In fact , Cat at one point had almost of the geld , but then held up the stash of chocolate coins , waving them in front of everyone . " This game is just not fun when you have all the coins . " With a toss of the wrist , geld went everywhere and the participants scrambled to pick it up . Then the games started all over again . " Peter had come , with the legal system , to shoot down the schemes of their rival . . . " The folks at the commune really liked Peter at this point . They even let him finish dinner before they started bombarding him with questions . He took a breath . " First of all , this town does have a zoning and planning board and you are supposed to get permission from them before you build anything . But I think I can talk with the chair of the board . Betty is an old friend of mine . I 'm quite sure that she 'll be reasonable and give you a retroactive permit for the building . " He held up his hand before anyone could say anything else . " More important , I intend to go over this place with a fine tooth comb and make sure that there 's nothing else they can cite you for . I 'm going to interview each of you and check everything . And I have some pretty high powered lawyer friends who 'll help me with this . I think that we 're in for a fight and I want to make sure we win . You don 't need to worry about this at all . I 'm willing to put a lot of time into it . " " Oh no , " Marge said . " We 're going to owe you something like the entire crop of vegetables that we grow next year for doing all that work . Or maybe even more than that . " " No , you won 't . From now on it will be all pro bono . " Peter grinned . " That 's lawyer talk for free . " " But I can 't understand how she thinks she can create an industry out of tapping trees , " Luna said . " People do it all over the state . What advantage does she have ? " " One of the things that Monsterinsano has come up with is a genetically modified maple tree . Apparently it comes to maturity in a year and then turns out maple sap twenty - four / seven all year long . Ms Reagon intends to buy land to create a maple farm and use these trees to flood the market with her syrup . And do you know what land she wants to buy to create her farm ? " There was a protest that was staged at the state capitol a couple of days later . People were carrying signs saying things like , " Monsterinsano , get your hands out of our syrup ! " and " Corporations are not trees ! " and many , many that just said : " No GMMs ! ! ! " Several folks from the commune went , including Luna , Sal , Ken , Marge , and Dan . And , he had been staying over at the commune , going through their records , checking on their mortgage payments , inspecting everything he could find on the premises , and interviewing all the commune members . Also , as he promised , several other lawyers had come by the commune to check it out and confer with Peter . Folks were very riled up about Hillary Reagon 's plans . At this point , Peter had talked with Nancy and Cat , and had even called Ralph and Ed and talked with them about their relationship with the house and their financial backing . He had also spent a lot of time talking with Viv , making sure she had the medical and legal documentation for her use of marijuana for depression . So when Luna , Sal , Ken , Marge , and Dan returned from the demonstration , Peter set up times to sit down with and interview each of them . There were no problems with Luna , Ken , and Marge . It turned out that Sal had been arrested several times in protests down south and she had a court order to stay away from all military bases , at least for the foreseeable future . Peter promised to make sure that her record wouldn 't affect the commune in any way , or at least any way that would allow Hillary Reagon to get an advantage over the farm . It had taken them a couple of weeks just to get the design of the EcoGreenHouse right . Now they were in the final stages of actually putting it up . They were nearly done . They had the frame up and the windows in and had just put in vegetation so they could see what it would look like when it was completed . They had all stopped working to admire the affect . " This is going to be just like one of those solar - powered shelters that they used to have down by the ocean at the New Chemistry Institute , " Luna said . " I 've studied lots of picture to figure out how they did it . It 'll be yet another triumph for reverse engineering . " It was a sunny day and the plants and plastic and clear tubs of water gleamed . It looked as if there were things growing everywhere . Plants were hanging in all the corners , lying in long sunlit beds , and sprouting on top of the water . If it wasn 't for the fact that the whole structure leaned slightly to the left , it would have been perfect . " It 's four o ' clock on a December afternoon , " Dan said . " It 's going to be dark real soon . Let 's deal with this tomorrow . " " C ' mon , " he said , grabbing Luna 's hand . " We can make another try in the morning . " He practically dragged her into the main building for dinner . After dinner she staggered to bed , still trying to figure out where they had gone wrong . She kept Dan up half the night with her tossing and turning . Luna said , " The foundation ! " It was a middle of the night revelation . " We need to check how solid the foundation is . If we don 't have a solid foundation on both sides of the greenhouse , that could be why it 's leaning over . " " I think you may be right , " said Sal . " You can see where it 's pulling off the ground over here . " She pointed to a corner where the frame lifted slightly . " Yeah , " said Viv . " And I can see where it 's digging into the ground on this side . We need to balance it some way or other . " Dan got down on the ground , eye to where the frame was lifting . " It 's not lifting much . We just need to add something to anchor it down on this side . " After about another hour , they were wrapping up . Luna ran back and forth and back and forth looking at the building from every angle that she could think of . She even went into the nearest house with a pair of binoculars so she could look at it from the top . " Hey , " Viv said to Dan . " Would you give me a boost ? I 'm pretty good at climbing trees . I can see what it looks like from up there . " She pointed far up in the tree . Viv climbed fairly high up on the tree and looked down at the EcoGreenHouse . Then she climbed back down and jumped from the lowest branch . Dan and Sal caught her . An oddly familiar male voice answered her . " I think you need to have a permit from the town to build something like this . I 'm going to put in a petition to have it torn down . " Cecil Nixon was standing a short distance away . He waved at the building . " I gave you a chance to clean up your act with the pet permit . Now I 'm going to show you that I mean business . " " Good , " said the lawyer . " I will be back to make sure that everything here complies with town , state , and federal laws . " He made a mock bow to Dan and Ken and left . " I think it 's harassment , " said Dan . " Unless I 'm greatly mistaken , I suspect that this is our new neighbor 's way of making sure we know we are being watched . I think , unfortunately , we can expect to have a lot more of this happening . " Luna was not amused when she heard about the lawyer 's visit . " We 'd better make sure we do everything as carefully as we can . They 're watching our every move at this point . " Luna was nearby and heard most of this . " Look , you 're both right . Some awful things happened so that we could be here . And that 's no reason not to be thankful . It 's a reason to work to create a world that works for everyone . " Nancy came by carrying a stack of pies . " Don 't worry about it . She goes through this every year . She 's always grateful in the end . " " I 'm sorry , " Sal said . " I 'm not trying to be a downer . I just don 't want anyone to forget the pain and suffering surrounding this holiday . " Dinner was a feast . There were vegetables everywhere , some arranged in such a way that they resembled a turkey . There were breads and pies and cakes and cupcakes . There was cider and beer and wine and water and cranberry juice . And there were lots of people around the table . Luna and Dan and Sal and Nancy and Cat and Viv and Ken and Marge - - and Ed and Ralph and Peter and Luna 's mother and Ken 's mother and Cat 's mother and even Amanda and Steve . " And I 'm thankful for all of you , " said Luna , who was last . " This farm and this commune wouldn 't exist without each and every one of you . Thank you , thank you , thank you . Here 's to many more Thanksgivings here in the future . " It was dinnertime a few days later and Peter , who was now becoming a frequent guest of the commune , agreed . " If they don 't like you , I doubt that they 'll stop with calling the cops once . You 'd better watch yourselves from now on . " " I can manage the stand , " Marge said . Then she turned to Peter . " Not to change the subject , but do you know anything about a tabby cat that seems to stroll around the neighborhood ? Does she belong to anyone ? " " I think she belonged to the people who used to live across the street from you , " Peter said . " These days she wanders around , scrounging food at various houses . I think she 's looking for a home . " " Not that I know , " said Peter . " As far as I know when the folks across the street left , they took her name with them . You could call her whatever you like . You could call her Cat . " Carrie was soon roaming the house . Marge and Nancy fed her regularly and she rubbed ankles with everyone when they were eating dinner . During the next ( and basically noncontroversial ) house meeting , she sat quietly on peoples ' laps and appeared to listen . The biggest question at the meeting was what to do about the neighbors . Things at the farm were really quieting down . It was mid - November . The leaves were turning . There wasn 't much in the fields except some hardy kale and a few root vegetables . Luna and Viv were working with Dan and Sal to build cold frames and hoop houses to grow winter crops in . And one day , Carrie discovered Ken 's room . Ken had been keeping his door closed to keep the cat out but one day he left in a hurry and forgot . Carrie noticed the open door and went in to investigate this interesting room . Marge was walking down the hallway and saw Carrie stroll into the room . She went and found Ken . Harry seemed to find the cat quite interesting . When he moved closer to Carrie , she tried to take a swat at him . Unfortunately , since Harry was in an aquarium all that happened was that her paw bounced off the glass . This was very frustrating for Carrie . She started swiping the glass , again and again , with the same result . Harry put his head right up to the glass and watched as Carrie tried swatting harder and harder . Marge and Ken broke out laughing . Carrie looked at them for a moment and then began licking her rear paw . A moment later she sauntered out of the room with as much dignity as she could muster . " I 'm sorry , " she said . " I know that I didn 't play fair with everyone and should have let you know about the plants in my room . I was just afraid you wouldn 't let me have them . " Viv sobbed for a second . " I 've been fighting depression for a long time . I didn 't want to take medication any more and pot was the only thing that helped . " The fields were about empty , other than some greens and a few root crops . Luna talked with Viv about her plans to build a greenhouse for winter crops . She also consulted with Sal and Dan about building plans since things were slowing up at the produce stand . Two days earlier , Viv had seen a psychiatrist that Peter had recommended and now had a letter from her . She had it in her bag as they sat in the gallery and waited for the hearing . Other folks were coming before the judge , a quiet person with white hair and a soft voice . They watched as attorneys and clients went in front of the judge and presented pleas and witnesses . In some cases the witnesses were cross - examined . The time for Viv 's hearing came and went before the judge could see her . Viv and Peter went back to the gallery where Luna gave Viv a great big hug . Then she hugged Peter . Viv hugged Peter and then the three of them were all hugging together . Someone hissed , " You 're blocking the aisles , " and they broke it up and made their way to the back of the courtroom and out of the courthouse . Ken was in the main house cleaning and Marge was making lunch . Dan had stopped in to get something when he saw the sheriff 's car parking through the window . He was at the door and opening it before the sheriff and his deputies could ring the bell . " Well , if you got a warrant , I guess you 're gonna come in . " Dan stood aside and let the sheriff and the two deputies walk into the place . " What are you looking for ? " Dan , the sheriff , the two deputies , Ken , and Marge , went up the stairs and began looking in the front bedrooms . They started with Ken 's room . There were clothes strewn all over the place and bits of junk food in the corner , but nothing in the window . Harry the crested gecko looked inquisitively at the incoming crowd . When he realized that none of them were going to feed him , he went back to examining the log in his aquarium , in case some tasty insect had appeared there since he last checked . Cat 's room was next . It was neat as a pin . There were some old white curtains in the window , but no plants . And , again , a search of the room turned up nothing illegal . " Let 's hold hands and breathe with each other a moment , " Nancy suggested . " We really connect with each other right now . " The group stood a moment in silence . Then everyone started talking at once . " We don 't know what kind of lawyer Peter is , " Cat pointed out . " He didn 't talk about his practice . For all we know he may only know about real estate law or corporate lawsuits . " " I think we 'd better get back to work , " Luna said . " I can see customers at the farm stands . Peter won 't be home until after six . I 'll walk over to his place around then . " " No problem , " Peter said and pulled out a check book . " They 're not taking this very seriously if bail is this low , " he said to Luna and Sal as he wrote the check . He handed it to the clerk . " Don 't worry about it , " Peter replied . " I get it back when she goes into court . She just better show up for her court date . " The clerk gave him a slip of paper and they drove to the county jail . Peter handed the slip to the clerk at the jail and moments later they had a very apologetic Vivian in the car with them . " And they wanted to use a house all the way up here to store them ? " Luna seemed incredulous . " There must be storage places closer to DC . And what about that press release that Peter told us about , explaining why Ms Reagon is buying the property ? I think they 're gonna move in there , sooner or later . I just hope there 's not gonna be trouble when they do . " The folks at the commune didn 't have to wait long before there were new developments . Two days later , a pearl gray SUV drove slowly down the road and pulled into the drive across the street . There was a small American flag waving from the antenna in the front of the SUV . The windows were tinted , making the interior invisible . Marge spotted the slow moving vehicle and called to the other folks who were outside . Luna , Viv , Sal , Dan , Nancy , and Cat left fields and farm stands and gathered round . Only Ken missed the arrival of their new neighbors . He had been inside cleaning the left house and no one thought to get him in time to see the spectacle . The rest of the gang watched as the gray car parked in front of the house and two folks got out . One was a thin woman with short gray hair and a jet black dress . The other was a stout young man in a dark suit . The couple got suitcases out of the car and marched to their front door . The young man fumbled with the keys for a minute and then let himself and his mother into the house . The door slammed shut behind them . Everything was quiet for a bit . Slowly the commune members stopped holding their collective breath and started to relax . But a moment later , the man came back out and reached into the back of their car . He pulled out what looked like it might be a semi - automatic sniper rifle . It had a large telescopic sight on it . It was really dark beyond the house ; there were no streetlights in the area and no moon was out . Usually very little could be seen around the commune at night other than the headlights and tail lights of passing cars . But now they could see a ball of orange light , slowly moving down the road . Suddenly , the light stopped . It bobbed at what seemed like ten feet from the porch . A minute later , however , there was the sound of feet on the porch , although the light stayed where it was . One night at dinner Nancy finally protested . " This is all speculation and , at this point , we 've speculated and speculated and speculated . We don 't really know anything at all about them and all we 're doing is talking about what we don 't know . Until we know anything for real , I say we talk about something more interesting . " " Like what we can do around here now that we 're less busy . " Nancy helped herself to one of her pumpkin - mulberry muffins and then held it up for everyone to see . " I 've gotten lots of requests at the stand for the recipes for my muffins and breads and pies , and for Cat 's amazing cupcakes . I 've been thinking for quite a while that we should make up a communal cookbook . " " Well , I 've been wondering how we could do more education about what we 're doing on the farm , " Luna said . " I think that a cookbook is a great idea . We could maybe put in a section on how you could grow your own vegetables , and make compost , and a bit about mulch , and maybe even a little write up explaining organic gardening and protoculture , and what Eco - expensive Agriculture , and Five Season Harvesting are . " Things got busier for the next couple of weeks . It was October and the season was winding down , but there were still tourists coming to see the last of the foliage - - and then dropping by at the farm stands afterwards . There were pumpkins ripening in the fields , and preparations beginning for the last of the harvests . At one point a huge truck from a moving company came down the road and went up the drive across the way , but otherwise the commune heard nothing from their new neighbors . It wasn 't even clear that there was anyone living there yet . And every spare moment seemed to be devoted to writing down recipes , and cooking and baking and testing out new stuff . Dinners had become exotic . Instead of simple vegetables and rice or quinoa , there were things like seiten - stuffed squash , bak choi fritters , spicy sweet potato salad , rumbling ratatouille , and zesty zucchini parmesan . At the table Nancy was trying to persuade Cat to include at least one cupcake recipe . " How about for your Hazelnut Surprise cupcakes ? They 're very popular at the stand . " Marge took his place at the produce stand the next day and by the end of the day , Dan had seventy - three pages typed . It was every recipe that he could read . Then he went after the folks that handed him unreadable recipes . Nancy had beautiful handwriting , almost calligraphy . Unfortunately Dan couldn 't make heads or tails of any of it . And Nancy had written pages and pages of baking directions . It took several hours , but when he was done with Nancy 's recipes , he went after Ken who had submitted three items for the book . Ken 's handwriting reminded Dan of samples he had seen of cuneiform script , but Ken was willing to read his stuff slowly to Dan . Then Dan went after Marge and did the same thing . Dan also wrote up a small section about life in the community . Nancy collected pictures from everyone . Luna gave Dan sixteen pages on protoculture and organic agriculture . Dan cut it down to twelve fact filled pages . Harry was a crested gecko that lived in an old aquarium Ken kept in his room , right in the spot that the pot plant had occupied . As lizards went , he was a fairly harmless creature . He stayed in his aquarium and didn 't cause problems . Ken fed him bugs that he collected from around the farmhouses . This was now the quiet season . The folks at the farm were starting to enjoy the lull in the business . They began to figure out how to do stuff that they had only talked and thought about during the busy season . One of the things Luna decided to do was invite Peter , their frequent customer and helpful neighbor , to dinner . They had passed him some free produce now and then but had been too busy to actually have a leisurely meal with him . Peter turned out to be a lawyer who traveled to Montpelier for his practice every day . " Oh boy , it 's good to have you folks here , " he said as someone passed him the tempeh . " You bring some life to this area . Agatha , on the other side of you , is a recluse . Tim down the road is another farmer but he sells his stuff to some corporation and only speaks in one word sentences . I originally moved here because of the quiet . Now I 've started thinking that it 's been much too quiet around here for me . " " It 's funny you should mention that . The place has been for sale for a couple of years now . I only found out yesterday that somebody 's buying it . Rumors are that it 's this rural Republican right - wing wingnut . " " Oh , great , " Luna said . " I 'd better take down our commune sign . I can 't imagine he 's going to be excited having us for a neighbor . " " Sure do . " Peter grinned . " Her name 's Hillary Reagon . She 's a life - long Republican and on the boards of the Project for the New American Universe , the Wealthy Heritage Foundation , and Americans for Corporate Prosperity . She knows Dick and Donald personally and is friends with the Kitsch Brothers . " " It 's kind of busy down there in DC , I hear . She grew up and raised a family in Idaho . Maybe she wants to get away from it all again . " " That 's what I hear , anyway . " Peter used his napkin to wipe black raspberry off his face . " The story is that she hasn 't bought the place yet , but she 's already put down a downpayment . That 's according to the rumors , anyway . And supposedly , the bank seems satisfied . I also hear that she 's bringing her son , Alec , with her and according to everyone I 've spoken with , he makes her seem like a flaming liberal . " " You can get some at the general store down the road , " Dan added , " and also at the gas station across the street from it , and I 've heard that even the dentist a half a mile beyond there sells some . You know , it 's really hard to find places around here that don 't offer maple syrup . We just didn 't think it made sense to be one more place that carried the stuff . Sorry . " " Oh , yes , " said Peter . " They passed papers yesterday . And Ms Reagon put out a press release this morning explaining why she is buying the property . " " Ah , yes , " said Peter . " She also announced that her first step is going to be to consolidate the whole maple sugar industry . I hear that her son is planning to do the legal work and financing . " Ken came back from his parents home a few days later , carrying in a ton of books , plants , dishes , and pots and pans for the commune . His mom helped him bring in boxes and boxes of stuff and took time to sample some of Nancy 's Apple Zucchini Bread while she was around . She praised the commune ( especially the food ) and said how good living there was for Ken . Then she gave him a hug and waved goodbye to everyone else . " Where do you think we should put all these plants ? " he asked Luna . He pointed out spiderplants , and coleuses , and jade plants , and a Boston fern . Luna wasn 't paying attention to the plants Ken was pointing to . Her attention had been grabbed by a little plant Ken had stuck near the corner of the room . Ken nodded . " Do you think it will be a problem ? I like growing things and my mother didn 't mind it . I was hoping it would be okay here . " " Well , if the sheriff comes back to see how you 're doing or if we 've gotten any more runaways , I don 't think he 'd be happy to see it . And I don 't want to find any of us , including you , in jail over that plant . We can 't afford to get into trouble at this point in our growth . I want to see the commune last a year here at the very least . Hopefully a lot more . " " I was going to keep it up in my room . Look , nobody 's gonna see it up there . I 'll make sure to keep it out of sight . I promise . " Luna sighed . " I don 't know , Ken , but it 's not my decision . I think we 're gonna need to talk about this in the commune meeting . " Toward the end of September things began to slow down a little . There was still some stuff in the fields , but not as much . Dan had gotten himself out from under the rutabagas , much to Sal 's relief . Of course , the produce slow down didn 't stop the baking from happening , but the lines at the farm stands had gotten shorter and there were far fewer out of state plates coming by . " I think I 'm used to it , " Darren said , " but , I don 't know , I 'm feeling kind of restless . I guess you can take the boy out of the city . I 'm not sure if you can take the city out of the boy . " " You 're right , " said Darren . " It doesn 't hurt . You want to come in and get a bite to eat while you 're here ? You 've got a way to go yet and I thought you might be hungry . " Chuck lay there , not speaking for a little while . " That 's okay . I 'm not in a hurry . As far as I 'm concerned , the best part is the end of the festival , anyway , and so that 's all I 'm really going for . It 's not like I can afford to go to the whole thing . " He took Darren 's hand and slowly looked into his eyes . " I really like you , " he said . " What would you think of the idea of coming along to the fairy fest with me ? " Darren 's eyes opened wide . He didn 't say anything , but just nodded . He took a minute to get himself together , up and out of bed , but got himself dressed and packed in record time . He then spent the next twenty minutes saying goodbye to everyone . Hardest of all for him was saying goodbye to Marge , Viv , and Cat . He couldn 't stop hugging them . " I 'll be back , " he promised . " I just gotta see where this goes . " Work on the farm came to a standstill as everyone stopped what they were doing to see Darren off . Dan still had kale leaves clinging to his shirt . The gang all stood in a clump waving back at Darren . Chuck kept trying to get the engine to turn over . Meanwhile there was more waving . Darren blew kisses from his seat . The little lavender bus took some time to actually get started but the engine eventually caught and it finally chugged off in a cloud of exhaust . The rest of the commune looked at each other . " Is everyone else good ? " Luna asked . " Is there anyone else who 's thinking of leaving ? " Dinner had been cleaned up and the dishes had been put away . The dining room had been swept and the kitchen floor had been mopped . Now both rooms were empty . Ed and Ralph were visiting and simply sat in , not saying anything , while new members Marge , Darren , and Ken watched the meeting quietly , still trying to figure out how this commune thing worked . Cat was facilitating . And everyone was looking at Stan . Stan was sitting with his back against the wall looking up at the ceiling . His hands were fidgeting in his lap . His legs looked like they wanted to move of their own accord . Cat looked bewildered for a moment . " I . . . I really don 't know what to say to you , Stan . I 've seen everyone else working away and nobody had the least idea where you were . " " I know where Stan was , at least where he was sometimes , " Dan said . He seemed ready to explode . He sat and took a deep breath before he spoke again . " I 've found him in his room napping while the rest of us were working . " Dan stared at Stan . Stan looked at Dan . He started to speak but stopped . He looked around the room . Everyone looked back . He looked back up at the ceiling as if he might find some comfort there . The meeting got very quiet . Cat sat down and stopped facilitating . The new folks seemed to be holding their collective breaths . Luna looked like she wanted to say something more but sat on her hands instead . There were a couple of minutes of rather uncomfortable silence before Stan finally spoke . Breakfast was quieter than usual the next morning . Things were still busy enough that soon Cat and Nancy were baking away , Marge and Darren were setting up the baked goods stand , Sal was setting up the produce stand while Dan was trying to make his way from under the spaghetti squash , Ralph and Ed were bringing vegetables in , Ken was transporting goodies from the kitchen , and Luna and Viv were out in the fields , harvesting . Stan was in his room , packing . And no one said an unnecessary word . Lunch seemed even quieter than breakfast , if that was possible . Stan walked to the room in around the middle of the meal , but no one spoke with him . The silence was disturbed only by the clinking of silverware and the occasional request to pass the pepper . Everyone seemed to be eating in slow motion . Eventually people got up and began bringing their dishes into the kitchen to be washed . As the last dishes were being stacked and the table was being wiped down , Stan looked out the farmhouse window for the umpteenth time and this time he saw what he had been looking out that window to see . He announced to everyone , " My ride to the fairy fest is here ! I 'm leaving ! " and , dropping the dish that he had been holding , he ran up to his room to get his belongings . A purple station wagon with a giant pink rubber raft strapped to the roof was pulling up the drive . Moments later , two bearded men in long colorful dresses got out . They stood there for a couple of minutes just looking at the place before Stan came barreling out the door with two suitcases and a large box of his stuff . The two guys hugged Stan and then spent a several minutes contemplating his things . Then they looked back at the packed station wagon and gave an audible collective sigh . It took them a while but somehow they managed to shove all of Stan 's stuff into the already very crowded vehicle . Then it took another couple of minutes for them to create enough room for Stan to squeeze himself into a space he made for himself in the back seat . Once that happened the guys stood outside , leaning on the wagon , while they stared at a paper full of directions and slowly figured out where they could get on the interstate and where they would be headed to next . When they finally got back in the car and were able to start the station wagon engine again , Stan rolled down his window and waved at all the people that were gathering . In spite of all the harsh words of the night before , most of the commune had come out to wish Stan a fond farewell . Dan had a couple of pieces of chard coming out of one of his pockets . Luna seemed to be holding her breath . Cat was jumping up and down . Ed looked amused . Viv looked confused . Several people waved back at Stan and a few folks shook their fists . As the station wagon left the drive and drove onto the road , Sal yelled out those familiar words : " And if we ever see your sorry . . . " Stan looked at Luna and Dan . They looked at each other and nodded to Stan . The sheriff and his deputies walked slowly into the gathering . They seemed hesitant about coming into the building , acting as if this place was a strange , new territory for them . The sheriff stood in the dining room and looked around the place . He stuck his hands on his hips . The deputies stayed by the door as if they weren 't sure what to do with themselves . " Sorry to bother you , ladies and gentlemen , " the sheriff began . " This is a commune , right ? " He looked somewhat embarrassed after he said it . It struck Luna as a bit silly since the green " Commune ! " sign was still stuck on the fence by the road . The sheriff paused , as if he wasn 't sure what to say next . " Well , it seems like these communes are a bit of a magnet for runaways . " He stopped and looked around at everyone , as if he was looking for someone in particular . When he didn 't seem to see who he was looking for , he continued . " We have a report of a young man , thin , dark brown hair , tends to be a bit nervous , who ran away from home a few hours south of here . His name is Kenneth and his parents are worried about him . You haven 't seen him , have you ? " " Well , we 'd be very obliged if you 'd call us or his parents if you do see him . " While the sheriff was talking , one of the deputies handed Stan a piece of paper with some phone numbers on it . Stan handed it to Dan . " Sorry to trouble you folks . " They sat at the table for a few minutes , talking with some of the commune members about crime in the county and the recent weather . Everyone relaxed a bit . Wine was passed around but the sheriff and deputies declined . One of the deputies looked like she actually wanted some . Then the sheriff pushed back his plate . " This was lovely but we need to go . Once again , please let us know if you see Ken or hear anything about him . His parents have been calling us daily . " Two nights later , just as dinner was being served , there was another knock on the door . A thin young guy with short , dark brown hair stood there . He looked around at everyone rather anxiously . " Is this really a commune ? " Viv grabbed Nancy who looked at Luna . Luna gave a faint nod . Nancy said , " Sure is . Come on in , you 're just in time for dinner . " " So , " said Nancy after they were seated , " we were visited by the sheriff a couple of days ago . They were looking for someone named Kenneth . And the description the sheriff gave . . . " " He said your parents are worried about you , " Luna added . " We can use new members , but you need to call them first . Let them see the place . Maybe they 'll let you stay . " ElmTree , who now decided his name was Ken , looked quickly around at all the friendly faces . " Alright , " he said . " I 'll call them . Maybe if they see the place . . . " Ken had been doubtful but when his mother came , she was actually impressed with the commune . It probably helped that Viv and Dan had just scrubbed down the dining room the day before . And Nancy offering some of her Raspberry Maple Walnut Bread might have helped as well . Ken 's mom had two slices and sighed afterwards . " Okay , " she said to Ken finally . " As long as you 're happy here . I can talk with your father . He and I will be by with some of your things in a few days . " She gave him a big hug . " And don 't forget to call us regularly , " she said as she left . She gave Nancy a big smile as she walked out the door . " I want that recipe , " she said to her . The van parked in the space left by Ken 's mother . Darren and Marge emerged from it and were immediately grabbed by Cat and Viv . Cat and Viv were glad to see their friends , but Darren and Marge seemed especially glad to see Cat and Viv . " Can you still use people ? " Marge asked Cat . " A plane nearly landed on our street the other day and they evacuated the neighborhood for six hours . We decided it was time to get out of there . " Nancy and Cat kept the " Chthonic Baked Goods and Yggdrasil Cupcakes " stand flowing with breads and pastries , Sal and Dan began selling produce from the other stand , and Luna and Viv worked out in the farm 's fields , doing the sowing and reaping . Stan was helping out with a little of everything . Often no one knew what he was doing . " Wait , " said one of Cat 's customers , eyeing some of the sweet treats in front of her . " What do you mean there 's no wheat or dairy or soy or sugar in the cupcakes ? What 's in them ? " " If I told you , I 'd have to . . . " The customer gasped and Nancy stopped moving as Cat 's voice dropped to a hoarse whisper . " . . . make you work here . " Even though they had done next to no publicity , the line of cars for the two stands now snaked down the road , backing up to the gas station and general store . Fortunately one of their neighbors was also a regular customer . He let them use the area at the end of his property as overflow parking . Several customers wanted the recipe for Nancy 's Raspberry Maple Walnut Bread . " We should write a commune cookbook , " she said to Cat . " When we have any time . . . " Cat didn 't have a chance to reply because two young men were squabbling over the last of the carob mint cupcakes . Everyone thought the allowance was a good idea , but no one had a chance to spend it . Each day , it was more crops , more vegetables , more baked goods , more sales , and more money . And lots and lots of work . When Ralph and Ed turned up , a week later , on one of their periodic visits , they got pressed into service , carting vegetables from the fields to the farm stand . " Where 's Dan ? " Ed asked Sal when they got to the stand . " I know I left him around here someplace , " she said . She looked around and saw a pile of eggplant moving ever so slightly . She and Ralph reached in and extracted Dan from the pile . " I think that 's it for now , " Luna said . " Dan said we need more carrots and peppers . He said they 're about sold out . " " Yeah , " said Luna . " Absolutely . " She pointed out to Viv and Ralph and Ed where she hoped the commune would have another field for vegetables , and where she planned to put in the apple , peach , walnut , and hazelnut trees , along with the strawberries , and raspberries , and high bush blueberries , and . . . Sal grew up in Ithaca ( town motto : ' Ten square miles , surrounded by reality ' ) . Nancy , on the other hand , grew up in the rural south . Her best friend as a child had been a girl who lived down the road , Amanda Cody . Nancy was astounded when she received a call from her old friend one day when she was working in the kitchen . " Mom wants to see the place , " she said to Dan . " I told her she could stay here for a few days if she wanted . I think she just needs to get away from my dad for a while . " " I can 't see that will be a problem . We haven 't had very many visitors here . It will be a nice change to have some different folks around . " Amanda took the bus north . Nancy picked her up at a terminal in the state capital . Nancy barely recognized Amanda . Her skinny little childhood chum was now tall and full figured . Her eyes looked bloodshot and her hair was an shiny shade of bleached blonde with very dark brown roots . Luna introduced her mother to Sal and Nancy and Amanda and Dan and Stan and Cat . Sal and Nancy excused themselves to get dinner on the table . Shortly after that , everyone sat down to the meal together . They were almost done eating when Ralph and Ed arrived . Four folks got out . The introductions took up the next twenty minutes . Darren , Vivian , Marge , and Steve had lived downstairs from Cat in a triple decker a quarter mile from the airport . At one point , Luna realized that Steve had disappeared . Amanda didn 't seem to be around either . When she wandered around the property , she spied them both behind the farmhouses , smoking . Together . The dinner kept being extended to feed folks as they arrived , but fortunately , clean up was easy with so many people . Everyone was getting along but Luna 's big worry was that there wouldn 't be enough rooms for them all to sleep in . She needn 't have fretted . The next day everyone pitched in with chores . Luna 's mom helped with the baking , Vivian and Darren helped Luna in the fields , Marge helped Dan and Sal build a new farm stand for the produce , and Amanda and Steve seemed to be helping Stan with something , although no one else had a clue what it was . Things at the commune never seemed so productive . " I 'll tell your father that you 're still alive , " Luna 's mother said . " For some reason , he thinks the commune is going to kill you , but I 'm just glad you 're having a good time . " She hugged her daughter and drove off . Lots of other people were hugging , too . Slowly the visitors got into their vehicles . Marge and Darren drove back to Boston . Ralph and Ed yelled , " We 'll be back , " before they drove off . Things were pretty loose at the beginning . They didn 't seem to need a lot of policies and regulations . Most of the folks got along with each other . And the arrangements they had with each other were pretty loose as well . It turned out that Luna had been sleeping with Nancy . And Sal . And Dan . And Dan had been sleeping with Stan . And Sal . And Nancy . And Sal and Nancy were still sleeping together occasionally . And there were rumors about Stan and Sal . About the only one who wasn 't changing beds regularly was Cat - - at least as far as most people knew . It was their second ever community meeting . They just had decided to do them every other week while they were getting going . This one was held in the living room of the middle farmhouse . It was the biggest room on the place and could have held another six people easily . Which was sort of the point . Nancy raised her hands . " Let 's take a minute of silence , " she said . She got dirty looks from almost everyone , but there was nearly two minutes of silence before anyone spoke again . Immediately the meeting re - erupted into chaos . Sal , Luna , Dan , and Stan were all yelling , Nancy was waving her hands , and Cat seemed to be inching toward the door . The meeting lasted into the night . " Oh , yeah , " Luna said , tugging on her hair . " Lots . " She stopped and thought a moment . " Ya know , I don 't think that starting a commune is going to be as easy as they said in the brochures . " " Well , not exactly . But I didn 't think it was going to be this hard . I wonder if we need to do more concentrating in the meetings . " Luna sighed and kicked a rock out of the soil . She looked beyond the two fields they had cleared . " Maybe we should plant some berries and trees over there . I 've heard you 're s ' posed to do that if you 're doing Protoculture . " |
This year Gark had promised himself that he wouldn 't forget . Galin 's birthday , his fifth , was now here , and it was to be celebrated during the Ylesia - Coruscant game . The young boy was going to enjoy watching the game as always while being able to celebrate yet another year of his life . He had grown up so fast , Gark mused as he planned all this out . It didn 't seem like that long ago when Me ' lin had told him that she was pregnant with their first child ; those had been simpler times , before the losing streaks , before the multitude of crazed maniacs who kept trying to kill him , before things got hairy on a constant basis . Galin sat in his chair in the luxury box at Peace City Gardens , ready to take in the game that was about to unfold on the field below . Although he had technically been born on this correct day on the calendar five years earlier , the differences in planetary rotations between Coruscant and Ylesia forced the birthday to be slightly offset . But it didn 't matter for the boy 's parents ; Galin was technically five years old now . It was a milestone birthday , indicating the transition from young child to school student . It probably wouldn 't be long before he reached ten years of age , when his personality would start to fully flesh out . Galin had chosen his favorite player on the Senators , Maximus Qorbus . He had always idolized the Nautolan forward for his scoring knack , even though the prior season he had failed to produce points . Therefore , Gark had made sure that the birthday boy got a visit from his favorite player prior to the game ; although Gark could easily pull strings like that on his team , he decided that this needed to be a special occasion . Of course Galin could get comfortable around the team , but this was supposed to be more of a one - on - one meeting between the pro player and the child . Galin had enjoyed his chance to hang out with Qorbus , which was phase one of the birthday plan . The game got started down on the field , and Galin watched intently . Gark shared the gaze down at his team ; they had to win this game . The losing streak had to end . Five minutes in , though , it was Me ' lin who broke the silence that had crept into the box . " When should we give the birthday boy his party ? " she asked her husband . " Anytime now , " Gark said . The three of them were alone in the box ; Londy Whiste hadn 't come on the journey to stay at work , and Mykal was home on Coruscant going to school . They hoped he wouldn 't get into trouble or party at the house while they were away . The ball was kicked out of play , and the media timeout occurred . Me ' lin took the opportunity to surprise her son with a cake , which made Galin 's eyes grow wide . " I baked it myself , " she said proudly , and Galin grinned . " Whoa , slow down there , champ , " Gark said . " Don 't eat all your cake in such a hurry . Enjoy it . " Galin slowed down , but only a little . Gark just shook his head ; sometimes the boy was just a rogue . Just like his father , rough around the edges but with a heart of gold . The elder S ' rily started to eat his cake , and reminisced about Galin 's first five years . They had been a very bumpy ride , and he felt saddened that he hadn 't been able to hang out with his son much during that time . A lot of those years had been spent away from home for various reasons , and had included much personal peril . So he hoped the next five years would be better . After eating his cake , Gark went to the back of the box to throw out his plate . However , Me ' lin was already there boxing up the leftovers . Taking the private moment in the back of the box , away from prying eyes , Gark knew he would act . He reached around Me ' lin to close the box , and then wrapped his arms around her waist . He could feel the bump in her stomach that would someday be their second child , now not much more than a lump in its mother 's womb . " I know , " Gark said with a sigh of his own . The crappy thing about having a pregnant wife was not being able to freely make love with her on a whim , or at least that 's what he figured was most important . Either that or his priorities were all screwy , which he figured was a likely scenario . " So we shall , " Gark said . He released his wife and grabbed a few wrapped packages from the back counter . He then went up to Galin and handed him the gifts . Galin ripped each one open as any child in his situation would , and quickly he found his treasure . Several packs of Tepps trading cards of Elite Leaguers , a foam Limmie ball , and then a kids ' size Max Qorbus jersey . Galin immediately put it on and grinned ; he now had the jersey of his favorite player on his body . When Qorbus scored a goal in the game , Galin cheered extra loud . When the Nautolan barely missed on a shot on goal , Galin frowned . Obviously he had lots invested in Qorbus as a favorite player . When the game ended , the Senators walked out with a close win . As they picked up their things in preparation to leave the box , Gark had to ask something . " Hey , the team won on your birthday , " he said to the boy . " That 's pretty special . " " Sure did , sport , " Gark said . He turned to his wife and lowered his voice a little . " It 's going to be hard to keep track of birthdays for two kids plus Mykal , " he commented . " I think so too . He 's so cute when he cheers for Qorbus , " Me ' lin said . " You can tell he 's invested in the game , and I guess I only have you to blame for that . " Me ' lin just chuckled . Gark loved that laugh ; it was another quirky bit about his wife that he enjoyed . " He 's definitely got a lot of your personality in him . It 's easy to tell . " " And we 'll be there at every step of the way . Here 's to our growing family , " Me ' lin said . She came over and kissed her husband . " Do I still taste cake ? " she asked after the smooch . Indeed . I want to know if he got a Glencross card in his Tepps pack and precisely what happened to it . I 'm thinking dart board material ? Trieste , Probably something more diabolical than that . Anyways , continuing on about Mykal . This is a few weeks early , but I didn 't want to sit on this material for two or three weeks . The Wylsonridge High School Kell Dragons had finished off an easy win to push their record to 5 - 2 , and Mykal had once again been the catalyst of the turnaround . More fans than ever packed into the stands to see the team play , even going to road games . It seemed like the team was the talk of the school , and even the tough Galactic Languages teacher Mykal had on his schedule was being nicer to him as a result . On the overall , things were looking good . " Where is it ? " Mykal asked . He had never been invited to a party before . " House party . Lannie 's parents are out of town for a whole week . . . a whole week . . . and we 're going to party there . " " I don 't know , " Mykal said . He had heard bad things about house parties . In his old neighborhood , occasionally violence could erupt from such gatherings . Beings were gunned down if something went really wrong . But this was hopefully a nicer part of town ; it had to be better , right ? " Come on , it 'll be fun . Besides , I think you 're part of the club now , " Kortney said . " What do you say ? " Mykal thought it over for several seconds . " OK , " he finally said . " See you tomorrow , " Kortney said before walking off . Mykal wasn 't sure what he was getting himself into , but he hoped it wouldn 't be a bad idea . The next night , Mykal went up to the house . He could tell that there was loud music inside , so it likely was the right place . He rung the doorbell , and some senior he had never met opened it . " You must be Mykal Oha , " she said . Mykal just nodded . " Hey , come on in , big guy . Make yourself at home , " the girl said . Mykal went inside , and the door closed behind him . There must have been at least fifty others inside the house at the time , with lights , loud music , and most importantly alcohol . It was a typical teen house party ; when the parents were away , the kids would play . It was quite the scene as Mykal looked it over . He had never been to a party like this before . " Kortney invited you , didn 't she ? " came the next question . Mykal nodded . " She 's out on the back patio , I think . You might be able to find her there , " the senior said . Mykal took this advice and made his way through the scrum of high school students and out the back of the house . In the backyard was a large pool probably 20 feet wide by the same length ; it was massive . They certainly had huge houses in this part of town , Mykal noted . " Hey Mykal ! " came a familiar voice . Mykal looked up to see Kortney with a small group of friends not too far away . She was waving in his direction , a red plastic cup in her hand . The teen noticed that she was wearing a tank top and short shorts , which showed off her legs nicely . " Come on over ! I want you to meet some of my friends . " Mykal came over . " This is Mykal . He 's the starting full back on the school Limmie team , " she said . " Want some beer ? " Kortney asked . Mykal shook his head . " Oh come on , try some . " Finally Mykal relented and a cup was passed to him . He took a swig but made a contorted face . The beer went down , but he didn 't like it at all . Kortney just laughed . " It takes a while to get used to , " she said . " I can tell , " Mykal replied . He didn 't like beer . Two hours passed , and Mykal was starting to get tired of the loud music and drinking . He hadn 't come here to see drunken high school students ; Kortney hadn 't said there would be alcohol . Some of the rowdier types were getting more and more drunken by the minute , and it made the teen 's skin crawl . The longer he stayed here , the antsier he knew he would become . He had to leave . " Not my thing , " Mykal said . He made up his mind and was going to tell Kortney that he was leaving . But he couldn 't find her in the mass of partiers . Maybe she was in the pool , maybe she was inside the house , he didn 't know . He sought out to find her , looking outside , then inside , then on the property lines . When he finally found her , he had to at first get her out of trouble . She was stuck in the bushes , and when Mykal reached his hands in there to try and get her out , all he pulled out was a boy wearing just his boxer shorts . It was obvious that he was beyond smashed , and that he was about to forcibly assault Kortney in the bushes . Shoving the drunk away , Mykal was able to help Kortney out of the bushes . She was a little tipsy from the alcohol , but she seemed relieved to be away from the mostly - naked boy who had almost forced her to have sex with him against her consent . " You 're a hero , " Kortney said , and she gave Mykal a big hug . Obviously she understood what was going on after all . " If you hadn 't come to rescue me . . . that would have been ugly . " " Why ? The party is fine . Or , at least it was except for that drunk idiot guy , " Kortney said . Then they heard the police sirens in the distance . Anyone who was not too inebriated to hear them immediately ran away from the house , those in the pool jumping out and running away without even drying off . In the chaos , Mykal tried to keep track of Kortney , but she got caught up in the mass of panicked teens . Mykal had to bully his way through some drunken partiers , but someone punched him , or at least hit him , he didn 't know , in the face , slightly stunning him . He then tripped over a passed - out teen on the floor and nailed the ground hard . Two minutes later , the cops showed up at the doorstep . Mykal was still inside the house , unable to get out , and he quickly found himself caught by the police . As the police escorted him and the other kids to the squad cars , he wondered why it had come to all this . He had been in the wrong place at the wrong time . Apparently noise complaints and an alleged stabbing had brought the cops to the door of the house , when Mykal finally learned what had happened . Now he felt very lonely , because he had done something wrong . He was taken to the police precinct , although the cops told him that no charges would likely be filed . It was more of a domestic disturbance incident for the noise complaints , and Mykal was also informed that he was not a suspect in the stabbing allegations . His adoptive parents were furious to hear that he had been at a drinking party without telling them , and then getting taken by the police to the station . He was grounded for two weeks , and that was the shortest punishment he would receive if he did his penance . When Coach Kammel heard the news that several of his players had gotten detained by police , he suspended all of them for the next two weeks , including Mykal . Even though the teen knew he hadn 't done anything wrong , no one else believed him . The next time he saw Kortney , which was at school three days later , he tried to avoid eye contact with her . At lunch , he sat alone at a table in the corner of the room , surrounded by the social outcasts instead of with the usual crowd over in the busier sections . He had always been one of them , and felt somewhat comfortable with them since none of them had grudges against him and he had a lot in common with them . He just wanted to hide his face and not be seen by anyone . It was a week after the house party incident , and Mykal was still bothered by what he had done . The team , minus its players on suspension like him , had been throttled that week in their game , and this week didn 't look any more promising . They had been in shape to try and capture a high playoff seed , but due to the suspensions it looked like they were in for a play - in game or a trip to a higher - seeded school . They could win that game , but winning this week would make it easier to get somewhere . And Mykal knew he had let his team down . He sat alone once again in the school cafeteria . The past week had been hard on him , since his parents weren 't letting him forget his transgressions . He had to take on double the number of chores around the house , and wasn 't allowed to watch the Holo while grounded . So he spent all the time he wasn 't working on homework , eating , or sleeping , out in the yard , sitting under the tree out there and just listening to the sounds of the city in the distance . These moments of solitude allowed him to think of many things , but oftentimes they just made him more depressed about the party . He hadn 't intended for there to be alcohol there . Why hadn 't Kortney told him ? Why had he been so stupid and gone ? Was he trying to impress her ? Was it that he had never been invited to a party before ? Did he deserve what had happened to him ? " There 's nothing to say , " Mykal said angrily . " You didn 't tell me there would be alcohol . I had to go to the police station . My parents grounded me . " " I 'm sorry , " was all she said . " It 's my fault . You obviously didn 't like it there , and yet I didn 't understand . You 're a nice guy , Mykal . I guess I misjudged you , thought you would like to party for once . But now I see that you don 't need that . And it got me thinking that maybe I don 't either . I feel really bad that I left you at the party when the cops showed up . You didn 't deserve that , not after what you did for me . You saved me from that drunk guy . . . he forced himself on me , and I couldn 't fight him off . Then you come and kick his butt . . . and I left you behind . I 'm the reason you got suspended , not you . " " That 's the second time you 've saved me from a terrible situation , and . . . I don 't know . . . I 've gotten you into trouble . What have I done for you ? " " And that 's the problem . I feel guilty , Mike , and it 's not a fun feeling , " the girl said . " You 've done a lot for me , and I feel the need to repay you somehow . I need to be a better friend . " Kortney just sighed . " Mike , I know it seems hard to believe , but I 'm insecure sometimes . My parents push me so hard to achieve . . . they think that by forcing me to do all these different things they can get me into Republican , or one of the Veragi League schools . . . Cambrielle . . . Commenor . . . Ralltiir . . . but I don 't know if I want that . I want to be myself , want to make my own decisions . I 'm a great student , and I don 't think it matters where I go for college after I graduate from here . I want to make them proud of me , but I don 't know if I can . Then I look at you , who follows the path of what he believes in . You don 't take crap from anyone , you defend the helpless , and you do what you know is best . And I like that . I 've needed a friend who can help prop me back up when I fall , and who I can get advice from when I 'm stuck and in need of help . Can you do that for me , Mike ? Can you be a good friend ? " " After that party , especially with an alleged stabbing , I don 't really know if I want some of those other friends anymore , " Kortney said . " Their party almost got me assaulted in the bushes by a stranger . And you 've got me seeing a different path , one that doesn 't have huge parties and loud music but one that looks more like one that I need . I just want to be normal , Mike . And you want a friend you can trust . I want to help you out when you need it , just like you do for me . Please let me redeem myself . " Mykal had to think this through . Kortney was trying to distance herself from her friends , and the teen wasn 't sure if he bought that . Then again , he had saved her from a hairy situation , and that obviously had made her think . If she got him into trouble again , he would let her know it . " OK , " he finally said . " But on one condition . " Mykal had to think on this . Here was the student body president , a great student , and a cheerleader , all rolled into one , offering to help him with his homework in exchange for having her back . It wasn 't a bad trade ; after all , with his adoptive mother eventually giving birth near the end of the school year , he would need all the help he could get in a few months . Plus he still liked Kortney 's looks . " This weekend . My parents are off - world , so I don 't have to worry about them complaining that I 'm getting help on my homework from someone other than them , " Mykal commented . " Since I 'm still grounded and all . " The bell rang , and everyone got ready to go to class . " OK . I 'll see you at the library in two days , and we 'll go from there , " Kortney said . She walked out of the cafeteria , and Mykal followed , ready to take on his next class . After the school day Mykal had Limmie practice . Since he was still suspended he wasn 't allowed to participate , and he had to watch his teammates work on their drills . He took the time to ask Coach Kammel if there was anything he could do to play this week . " Not really , Oha , " Kammel said . " You and your teammates got suspended for two weeks , and I intend to make sure that you 've done your time . Winning is important to me as to the next guy , but discipline is what I need on this team . You don 't create a winner without discipline , and obviously some members of this team needed to be reminded of that . If you do all the right things , you 'll be out on the field next week . " " And that 's the risk I 'm willing to take for integrity , " Kammel said . He left it at that , making Mykal feel very depressed . That week the team lost again without its suspended players , and he could do nothing to help them . That forced them into a tie for fourth place in the league , behind third - place Vendenbirt High . They would now have to travel a long distance to play their playoff opponent , a tough defensive team who hadn 't allowed more than ten points in any game all season . That weekend , Mykal met Kortney at the library . She helped him with his homework , which took two hours but was much easier with her assisting him than normal . At one point Kortney was thumbing through a textbook and Mykal , without looking , accidentally grabbed her hand instead of the book that he was reaching for . He quickly pulled back his hand after he realized what he had done and blushed ; that hadn 't been intentional . Kortney didn 't say anything , and they kept on working . Finally they were done , and Mykal saw Kortney to the door before she went to her speeder . " Nice work today , " she commented . " You 'll get there someday , trust me . " " Look , Mike , I wouldn 't be doing this for just anyone . Plenty of dumb jocks would love to have me helping them with their homework . But you 've earned my trust , so I 'm willing to help you out . Keep working at it , and you 'll get it , I promise you . " " Eh , why not ? You 're a sweet guy , " Kortney said . The two of them went to the ice cream parlor and had cones . Mykal tried to look nonchalant as he ate , but his ice cream started to melt and he had to start wiping it up off the surface of the table . " Then good luck . See you at school , " Kortney said . She got into her speeder and took off , leaving Mykal by himself at the shop . That hadn 't been so bad , he thought to himself as he settled into his own vehicle . His homework was done , he had a new friend , and ice cream . What more could he want ? Finally it was here , the high school playoffs . Mykal had returned to practice earlier in the week and picked up where he had left off , hitting people and making opposing forwards fear him . All of that skill and presence would be necessary for them to win in their upcoming playoff match . A win here wouldn 't just be to advance past this round ; it would mean that this Wylsonridge team was quite talented . And Mykal wanted to be their star player if possible , to help his team to victory . When the game night finally came around , he found himself locked up with a two - star prospect full forward on the other side . Heroon of Vendenbirt had more stars in his rating than this girl , but she was lightning quick . Mykal was curious why she hadn 't received offers above the CCLL , the " second - tier " college league on Coruscant . It was still Division I , but they didn 't get a berth in the " major school " playoff , instead creating a form of " Division I - AA " that had its own playoff . But unlike the major schools , they had been in playoff mode with the other leagues in their classification for years , forgoing the bowl system to instead promote a full playoff bracket . Now the major schools were rushing to catch up . Throughout the game , Mykal found that he had his hands full with the girl . She would try to fake him into making a bad step and then bolt around him to get between him and Tony , the goalie . That space Coach Kammel told the junior he couldn 't allow to be opened , but it was easier said than done . Mykal allowed two goals to occur on these fakes , but neither were goals by the full forward because Tony made a nice presence and forced her to pass the ball . Finally he made a play on her , shoving her aside as she tried to go on her route . The girl fell to the turf but sprang back up and then kept going like nothing had happened . Mykal was confused by her speed ; he hadn 't faced a full forward that quick before . His feet felt too slow to react , and he soon gave up another assist to her on a bar point . At halftime , Kammel did his best to whip up his troops , but it was obvious that they had a tough uphill battle today . The rival school was a solid program , had been for years , and knew how to play together . Wylsonridge had failed miserably without its suspended players the prior two weeks . It would take a perfect second half , Kammel figured , to win this one . He then told Mykal to stay light on his feet . The big teen wasn 't sure how much lighter he could be ; he still had heavy feet compared to his matchup . No amount of bulk seemed to bother her . In the second half , Mykal tried to keep contain on his matchup . He got more physical with the girl , trying to keep her away from the ball and neutralize her speed advantage . Using his physicality allowed his defense to pick up their tempo and start making stops . The offense figured itself out , and soon enough they were within striking distance of taking over this game . But Mykal made one big mistake . He bit on a pump fake by the Center Half Forward , who dodged Doog at Center Half Back . The boy then rifled a pass into the full forward , who caught Mykal flat - footed on the fake and got around him . Mykal dove to try and clip her , but it was to no avail . Tony missed the ball , and the other school put up three points . Those would be the deciding points of the game , as Wylsonridge lost a close one on the road . The Senators were on a road trip to Rydonni Prime , so the S ' rilys weren 't around to console Mykal after the game . The teen felt down , knowing that he had done all he could but also that he had let that game - winner develop . He had let that goal be scored , and it hurt him . He had let his teammates down . " We came this far . So be positive , Mykal , " the Kiffar commented . " We hadn 't made the playoffs in years , so getting to them this year is something to work off of . Yes we lose some good seniors , but I think we can retool and at least compete for a playoff spot next year . But I think this offseason you need to work on your footwork . That girl killed you all night , so make sure to stay light on your feet . Work on that during offseason conditioning ; we 'll need you to be more mobile next year against faster forwards . " Mykal went to his speeder , which was parked on the outskirts of the school parking lot . When he got inside , he just sat there for several moments , knowing that there was nothing that could cheer him up right now . He had lost his team the game , and had let everyone down . The ride home was in complete silence , and when he got to the house , he went to bed almost immediately , not interested in watching Holo or eating . He just wanted to get this miserable day out of his mind . Poor Mykal ! Then again , true athletes take losses like that hard . He would fit in with that kind of attitude in the Senators locker room ( and make that Senators team better ) . It was four months since the end of the Limmie season , and Mykal was improving in the classroom . With help from Kortney in addition to his family members , the teen was making great strides . He still struggled at times , but grades were improving , and the teachers certainly noticed . Mykal smiled more , and he participated more in class as a result . Suddenly a " dumb jock " that he may have been labeled as originally was starting to wear away somewhat as he proved himself more capable on schoolwork than he originally demonstrated . As a reward , the S ' rilys took the teen on vacation to the other side of the planet for two days . It was a weekend trip to work around everyone 's schedule , but it was enough of a get - away for Mykal . He enjoyed taking two days off from school to hang out and just be a teen . It wasn 't an off - planet trip , but with Me ' lin being seven months pregnant , Gark had decided not to go anywhere where she might be in danger , or even on a starship ride that might bounce her stomach around too much . So a trip out to Kamados , which the Bothan had wanted for a while , had to be postponed until the baby was born , and even then the family patriarch had doubts on what he would find there . Reports said that there was nothing dangerous on the planet , but he wanted to be sure before risking his family 's safety . Mykal came home from school on the first day of the school week and set down his things . He had a quiz to study for the next day , and he was intent on making sure he got a good grade on it . There was no room for error now , especially with those who believed in him . He couldn 't let them down by sluffing off . He opened his textbook and began to study . Then he heard some footsteps on the wood , and Me ' lin was there to welcome him home . " Hi Mykal , " she said . " How was school today ? " " But it 's important to know history , " Me ' lin said . " Trust me , I never liked those classes either , but I got through them . They teach you how to write . " " And then I have a project that I need to work on , along with math . Kortney is helping me with that . . . " Mykal said . " OK , Mykal , I 've always wanted to ask you . I keep hearing about this girl , but I 've never met her . Is she someone from school ? " " Sometimes relationships start over small things , " Me ' lin commented . " Perhaps her helping you with homework could lead to something else . You never know . Like myself with Gark . I worked for him as a secretary for years before we finally realized that we liked each other . Some things happened in between , and eventually we got married . Now we 're here with a growing family . So you never know if something like that will come your way . " Mykal 's speeder pulled up to the house , and he quickly got out of the speeder to open the door for Kortney . The junior girl laughed at Mykal 's extremely gentlemanly behavior , but appreciated the gesture . Mykal then helped her inside , opening the door and then swinging it open for her to enter first . " This is a nice place , " Kortney said as she looked around , bobbing her head a little bit . " I 'm home ! " Mykal announced to the rest of the home . The first being to be seen was Galin , who had crossed the front door area on his way from the kitchen to his room . " Hi Mykal ! " he said . He then stopped at the sight of the new girl . " Who are you ? " he asked . Then Me ' lin poked her head around the corner . " Hi Mykal ! " she said . Then she noticed Kortney . " Oh , hello there , " she said . Finally she came around the corner . " I take it you 're this Kortney Mykal keeps mentioning ? " " Yes ma ' am , " Kortney said . " Nice to meet you , " Me ' lin said . She came over and shook Kortney 's hand . " I 'm Me ' lin , Mykal 's adoptive mom . And that 's Galin , he 's our son . " Kortney chuckled . " And I 'm sure you 'll do a great job . I 'm sure Mike will love to help you improve your game when you 're older . " " You bet , " Galin said , grinning widely again . He then went off to his room , leaving the other three in the doorway . " My husband is around here somewhere , " Me ' lin commented . " Make yourself at home . " " Thank you , " Kortney said . She took a seat on the nearby sofa , and Me ' lin disappeared from view momentarily . " Gark ! Mykal 's home , and he brought a visitor ! " the Twi ' lek exclaimed . " Be there in a sec , " the voice of a Bothan came . Gark left the bathroom and made his way out to the front room . " Mykal , " he said with a nod . " It 's fine . So , you 're the nice girl who Mykal keeps talking about ? " Gark asked , now looking at Kortney . " Yes , I am , " Kortney said . " Where are my manners ? " Gark asked . He went over and extended his hand to Kortney . " Gark S ' rily . I 'm the General Manager for the Coruscant Senators Limmie club . " " Kortney Stammish . I 'm a junior at Wylsonridge , " Kortney said . It was obvious that she was surprised to meet the Bothan , given how much of an icon he was on the planet . " Mykal saved me from my old boyfriend , who was trying to beat me up in the hallway one day at school , " Kortney said . " Hm , a bully ? " Gark inquired . " I was stabbed , " he said . " And that was a result of this fight ? " Gark asked . Again Mykal nodded . " You 're very brave , Mykal . But I would have liked to have known the truth about your injury . We could have taken you in for better treatment if we had known the cause of the issue . " " We grounded him , and rightfully so , " Gark said , frowning . " We don 't want our kids to get into trouble . There is a no - tolerance policy from me . " " Ah , of course , " Gark said . " That 's where I recognized you from . You seemed familiar , but I couldn 't quite put the pieces together . " Mykal did a great job this year , " Kortney commented . " Bert says that you had a tough assignment , " Gark said . " Considering that you got that far in your first season of Limmie , that 's pretty damn good . Now you need to keep working to improve for next season . " " I know , but they don 't see it that way , " Kortney said . " They think I 'll fail in life if I don 't go to a major institution . I just want to follow my own path , even if the means going to a less - expensive school . I 'll succeed no matter where I go , so I just want to make sure that it 's somewhere I want to go . " " Mike has it good here , " she said . " Both of you , " she said , motioning to Me ' lin as well as the Bothan , " are very supportive . I 've heard nothing but positives about you from Mike over the past several months . I just wish I could say the same about my parents sometimes . " " Well , we try to be supportive as we can for Mykal , " Me ' lin said . " It 's hard for him sometimes , since he 's still getting used to having a loving atmosphere in which to grow up in , but he 's making great strides . And I suppose we have you to thank for helping him get there . " " Placing where some credit is due , " Me ' lin then countered . " As a result of all our efforts , Mykal is becoming a good student . We hope it bodes well for his future , and gets him into college . He deserves a good life . After all , he saved Galin 's life in a speeder accident many months ago . " " I stopped the air bag from hitting him , " Mykal said . He looked down at the arm that he had used . " My arm got cut up , but I saved his life . " " We 're very proud of him for what he 's been able to accomplish , and grateful for that act of kindness , even though we didn 't really know him at all when that happened , " Me ' lin said . For the next twenty minutes , the four of them talked about various things , mostly the parents trying to get to know Kortney a little better . Mykal added a few things in , but for the most part he stayed quiet as the junior answered the questions . Gark finally excused himself to the kitchen , and Me ' lin soon followed . Mykal turned on the Holo and watched some programming with Kortney . This allowed the boy 's adoptive parents a chance to talk . " Yes , very sincere . I 'm surprised as anyone to find out that Mykal is friends with the captain of the cheer team , " Gark said . " I would have thought a girl like that would have been disinterested in a guy like him who is quiet and shy . " " But don 't complain , she seems very friendly , " Me ' lin said . " Reminds me of myself in some ways . Willing to help out , being friendly . . . things like that . " " I 'm just worried that if she decides that she doesn 't like him , that he 'll be crushed . I don 't want him to get his hopes up here that she 'll remain his friend . Things could change at any time . I wish they wouldn 't , because Mykal deserves a friend like that , but I 've seen too many things go wrong to say that he 's got a friend in the bag here for the long - term . " " She seems to be . I just hope that keeps up , " Gark said . " She sounds like she 's under a lot of pressure at home . It 's why I find that thought abhorring , forcing your children to achieve extremely high standards and killing their confidence . I would never do such a thing to Galin or the new baby , and especially not to Mykal . " That startled Gark quite a bit . Me ' lin thought Kortney could be added to the family after just meeting her an hour ago ? That was something he never thought he would hear his wife admit . " What brought that around ? " " Honey , I 'm a loving wife , a mom of a five - year old , and an expectant mother all rolled into one . You can 't read women like I can . I can see that Kortney is a nice young woman just by the way she acts , and her background . She may have her faults , yes , but she still has time to iron those out . I see the positives , Gark . Mykal has found someone who obviously likes him . Don 't cut him short on that . We 're not asking him to marry her . " " Then let 's use this opportunity to talk to them . You talk to Mykal , I 'll talk to Kortney . We have the chance to try and get them on the same page . " " OK , " the teen said . " Ms . Stammish , my wife would like to talk to you , " Gark said . Kortney stood up , confused , but followed Me ' lin into the kitchen anyways , away from the men . Gark then sat down with Mykal . " Mykal , how much do you like Ms . Stammish ? " " Your mom thinks that you 've got something special going here , and that you need to keep working at it . Good friends are hard to come by , so I don 't want to see you let a good opportunity pass . If things just don 't work out , that happens , but make sure that you develop friendships . " " We think that it will help you build some character , and some confidence . I think you 'd be a fool to let Ms . Stammish go . At least maintain friendly relations with her . You 're doing a good job of that , as I can tell , and I want you to succeed . " " I have no idea what your mom wants you to do , " Gark said . " I 'm here to just tell you to be friendly and respectful to Ms . Stammish . She seems like a nice girl , and I want you to be a good friend . If relations between you two ever got beyond regular friends , all the power to you . But I want you two to make that decision , not myself , your mom , or anyone else . Got that ? " In the other room , Me ' lin was talking to Kortney . " Mykal can be sensitive at times , " the Twi ' lek said . " It 's the unfortunate part of his background . We 've been trying to keep him thinking positively ever since we adopted him . " " What it means is that being his friend could be hard at times . I don 't want to discount him , because he 's a nice kid , but when things get tough for him he retreats into his shell . It 's hard to dig him back out from there . Lots of progress has been made , but we still see it every now and then . " " Exactly . And I think you could help him out . You 're helping him with his homework , and being a friend for him when he really needs one . I appreciate what you 're doing for him . " " It 's nothing , really , " Kortney admitted . She then paused . " Not to really change subjects or anything . . . when are you due ? " She motioned to the bulging stomach of the Twi ' lek . Me ' lin looked down at her abdomen . It was bulging out in a nice round bump now . " Probably about two months from now , " she replied . " We 've asked the doctors to not say anything about it . We 'd like to be surprised . When the baby comes out , we 'll be ready . " " I 'll keep that in mind , " Kortney said . " I guess I 'm just not ready for a major commitment like that yet . I still want to go to college and get an education before I look to have kids . " " Why do you think I 'm having my pregnancies now ? " Me ' lin asked . " I went to college , got my degree , then finally found a good job for my skills . Then everything else fell into place . Met Gark , got married , started our family . . . it 's all a process . " " Don 't worry , you 'll get there , " Me ' lin assured the high schooler . " Someday things will fall your way , and you 'll be glad you stuck it out . " Inside her mind , she was certainly hoping that said future for the girl was with her adopted son . Mykal deserved a girl like Kortney , she thought ; beautiful , smart , willing to have children . . . it all fit for her . But that decision wouldn 't ultimately be made by her ; it would be up to Mykal . When Kortney left that night , the two S ' rilys weren 't quite sure what kind of impression they had left on Kortney , and Mykal was still somewhat confused . He hoped his adopted parents hadn 't blown it for him , and they hoped that the added encouragement would potentially allow their adopted teen to be able to keep a real friend . So it was all a waiting game until the dominos began to fall . Only then would they know the results of their action . Gark entered the Student Union building , his bags in hand . He felt very weighed down by them , but they were all he had right now . He had heard that college was going to be a very interesting experience , but he wasn 't necessarily sure if he wanted that . After all , he hadn 't had the easiest upbringing either . He knew his parents tried really hard to support their two children , but the teen also understood that he had to work hard in order to make a better life for himself . He joined the line of students , waiting to get the counter to pick up their room keys and identification cards . It was freshman move - in day at the Coruscant Trade University . As a trade school , it was a low - priced option college for those who preferred working with their hands . Yet it wasn 't a traditional trade school ; this place was well - renowned for its academics as well as their certification programs . No need to go to a community college if you came here , because the professional programs were part of the curriculum to begin with . If you graduated from CTU , you were ready to join the workforce , something that couldn 't be said for most universities . Finally Gark got to the head of the line , and he waited for the teller to get up his information on the Holo terminal . " You get Memorial Hall , Floor 3 , Room 324 , " the teller , a rather bored - looking Chevin , said gruffly . " Here is your key . Get acquainted with the room , your roommate , and then prepare for classes next week . Register at the next station . " Gark took his key and followed the other students who had been ahead of him in line . They went to a Holo kiosk lab , where they started to register for classes . Gark knew why he was here ; he wanted to be an accountant . He loved numbers , and although some math classes bored him , statistics was amazing to him . He loved finding values on probabilities , and had passed a test in high school to give him some college credit for independent study and be able to skip the intro sequence here at CTU . The front office told him to register for three classes to begin with , so Gark looked through the list of departments . He wasn 't interested in electives right now , and he didn 't have a care about most of the programs here like speeder repair or construction . Selecting the ' Math / Statistics ' list , he perused the list of classes , finally settling on ' Stats 201 ' , which he figured would be about his level . That was one class . Next he took a general education course , part of the school curriculum . It was a Galactic Studies course , which sounded just like a jock course . CTU had an athletics program , but it wasn 't a major part of the university . They were a Division III school , so they didn 't play the big - time schools with the scholarship athletes who would go pro someday . These athletes were here on partial scholarships , some full - ride if they were lucky , and would get their degree in four to five years and then go into the workforce . The third class was going to be the tough one . Should he take a language ? Nah , he didn 't like those classes in high school . Another math course ? It would have to be easy , since he didn 't want two at the same time that would challenge him . An elective was possible here , but he finally decided against that and chose a math course . It would be a tough first term on campus , but if he could get the general math requirements done first , he would be able to focus more on his career path in his sophomore year . Accounting classes weren 't opened to him as a first - term freshman unless he had thAfter leaving the lab , he made his way across campus to the Memorial Hall , where his dorm room was . The campus wasn 't the nicest place , but it would do for what he needed . It was his first time away from home , and he felt nervous . His parents weren 't going to be here to offer their support , and his sister was still too young for college , now a junior in high school . So he was on his own for the first time ever , and Gark was afraid of what he would find . What if he couldn 't handle it ? What if he needed to go to a community college to be nearer home ? Then again , he didn 't want to be near home . Home was tough ; although his parents were very loving to him , the neighborhood could have been better . He and Ryal had spent a lot of time at the local youth club , to keep them off the streets . It was a rough life , and he wanted to find a profession that would help him get out of that grind . This was the first step towards that . He took the stairs up two floors to the third floor , and he was gassed by the time he got there . The bags were even heavier now , and he wasn 't in good physical shape . He hated PE , or what there was in high school . They had gym once a week because of funding cuts in the school district , and that was done out in the school courtyard because there was no proper gym . Half the time it was deemed unsafe for use because it was falling apart ; the only times it was used was for indoor sports , and even then games were known to be suspended because of falling ceiling tiles . So it hadn 't been a pleasant experience for the Bothan growing up . He made his way down the hall , filled with freshmen like himself now milling around . They had a week to get settled before classes started . Gark didn 't say anything and went to his new dorm room . Setting two bags down , he was able to get the key into the lock , and then he turned . The lock clicked , but nothing happened . Gark then pushed the door open ; it had been unlocked the whole time . Rolling his eyes , he entered the room . It was unfurnished except for two beds on opposite ends of the room . . . or at least one side wasn 't . The other was now being covered in all sorts of things by a dark - skinned human boy near the window . Gark slowly approached , then setting his bags down on the floor . The boy turned at the sound . " You 're in the right place , " the boy said , a smile on his face . " Let me introduce myself . Ondal Nalcrissan , accounting major . What 's your name ? " " Gark . S ' rily , " Gark said as he took a deep breath and took the final bag off his shoulders , which had been digging into his shoulder . " I 'm doing accounting too . " " I hope you don 't mind me putting stuff up already , " Ondal said . He went back to his plastering of things on the wall . " We 're here all year , so I might as well make it like home . " " I don 't want to spend all week decorating . Gotta get it done now so I can find out what 's cool here on campus before classes start . " Ondal tacked another poster onto the wall . " Like finding the library , the classrooms , and the Records desk ? " Gark asked . " No , man , " Ondal said , shaking his head . " Gotta find the cafeteria , since I love to eat . I hear college food is crap , but let 's just see . And then I gotta find if there are any Co - Ed houses . . . ya know , find the hot girls on campus . " " Oh come on , you won 't be able to study all the time , " Ondal replied . " Besides , you might be able to find a girl you really dig . Who knows ? " " Let 's just say I 'm not that kind of guy , " Gark said . It was true ; he had only been on one date before , and that was one that both parties knew wasn 't going anywhere . It had been more out of pity than anything else on the girl 's part . " You 'll never know until you get there , " Ondal said . It was only the first day , and Gark already knew that it was going to be a long school year . He just hoped that he was ready for this . It was the second week of the term , and Gark was already into the thick of things in his classes . The statistics class seemed to be easy enough , but the other two were giving him some issues . He wasn 't sure if it was the course material , having to be away from home , or something else entirely . All he knew was that it just didn 't quite feel right . All of a sudden , Ondal burst into the room , excited about something . Gark still wasn 't sure to what to make of his roommate , except that he wasn 't working nearly as hard as the Bothan was . " Hey , dude , the Limmie game is on at the stadium in an hour ! Come on , it 'll be cool ! " " Don 't tell me you 're going to spend a perfectly good day stuck indoors confined to your textbooks , " Ondal said . He leaned on the side of Gark 's desk , and since it wasn 't that great a piece of furniture , it started to move a little bit in his direction . Realizing his mistake , Ondal finally let go , and the desk snapped back into place . Unfortunately that threw Gark 's textbook off the desk , and it landed on the floor . " It 's not like I wouldn 't go , but . . . " " We 're only two weeks in . You 're not going to fail , " Ondal reassured him . " Not going to take that chance . Have fun at the game , " Gark said . Several hours later , Ondal came back into the room , noticeably subdued . " How 'd it go ? " Gark asked . He was sitting on his bed reading a book . " But it 's not always about the game results , it 's the experience , " Ondal said . " And that was great . You have no idea how many students were there . It was like a party , just without the small venue . Open air , lots of noise , it was great . " " Not my kind of thing , I guess , " Gark said with a shrug . He had never been much for the party scene . " You need to learn to leave your books behind at some point and just live it up a little . Dude , you 're in college now ; time to mix it up and start up a few new habits . " " I 'm not going to let anything get in the way of me graduating , " Gark said . " Besides , this is a hell of a lot more fun than growing up . I feel in no way interested in doing much until I get my grades in order , and then I can relax . Only then . But it 's still first term , and I want to make sure that I 'm in good shape going forward . " " You know , I 'm going to get you out at some point into the real world , " Ondal said as he sat down on his own bed . " I promise you that . You 're too smart to just sit around here like a recluse . " " We shall see , " Gark said as he returned to his book . It wasn 't a great read , but from the sound of it the reading was more satisfying than the game . He looked out the window ; it was raining now , so going outside wasn 't going to be fun . He still wasn 't sure what to make of college except that it was different from anything he had ever done before . Gark waited at his desk for the midterm tests to be handed back to the students . It was his statistics course , the one he was finding oddly difficult , and he was sure that he hadn 't done as well as he had wanted to on it . It probably had something to do with Ondal , he guessed , but then again he hadn 't slept well the night before , and now he was nervous about the grade he had received . It was his first college test , and he wanted to pass it with flying colors . A good start meant everything here . However , as he quickly came to realize , the tests weren 't going to be handed back on flimsy like they had been in high school . They were coming back on the datapad , or at least were being posted to the student account . So most of the other students had packed their things and were leaving before Gark realized what he was doing . A few students from the next class filtered in , and Gark rushed to get out of there before he was caught in the wrong class . He finally went to the Holo lab to check on his grades , but remembered that he had to get some food first before his next class , which was in three hours . So he went back to the dorm room . He went down the hall , and could hear the crazy antics of the students three rooms down the hall from his . They were always up to some ludicrous stunt , and it sounded like they were cooking up another plot . When he got into his room , he found that Ondal was already back . He had been one of the first to leave that classroom , and was frowning . " What 'd you get ? " he asked when Gark entered the room . " I would be , but the class is getting difficult . I don 't know if I want to do any more statistics , " Ondal said bluntly . " I 'm thinking of switching majors . " " Business . I can 't match these brainiacs with their math abilities , but I can do management . Moving people around to solve a task is easy compared to taking a few tests of numbers and gibberish . " " But you have to finish this course first , " Gark said . " And with a D on your test , that 's going to be hard . You need to study more and hang out less . " " I just need to find my niche , " Ondal said . " Someday I 'll find it , just you wait and see . Someday , they 'll all say ' Look at that Ondal guy , he 's a successful businessman without needing stupid math courses . ' " " And that 's how I like it , " Ondal replied . Gark opened up his student account , and found that he had one new grade in the logbook . He opened the link , and then closed his eyes . He didn 't want to see anything until the grade came up on the screen . When he finally decided it was time to open them , he looked at the letter grade . ' B ' was all it said . He took a sigh of relief ; his GPA was saved . " You lucky frakker , " Ondal said . " I just studied hard , " Gark said . " And pay attention in class . Something you need to do more of . " " I 'll get there , " Ondal said . " So , you wanna hang out tonight over at the theater ? They 're showing an awesome movie . " Gark tossed and turned in his hammock , unable to fall asleep . It was a very short ride from Ralltiir back to Coruscant , but since it was the middle of the night , the players and staff were all sleeping so that they could get on with their day when they got back to the Galactic Capital . But Gark couldn 't figure out how to stay asleep ; he simply had too many things in the back of his mind that were dogging him incessantly . He regretted sleeping with his Chiss assistant the night before ; that hadn 't been the best of judgment on his part , but at the time it seemed very useful , very pleasuring in a time of confusion for him . He had needed a warm body with him , and she had been willing and open to the idea , even if it was in exchange for a fee . He had partaken mostly because he was ignorant , or maybe it was because he was lonely . Whatever the case , he had done the deed , and now he was sitting here unable to sleep in the dark and the sounds of players snoring . When he drifted off the sleep finally out of exhaustion , he was immediately bombarded by dreams . The first one replayed everything about his affair the prior night , but this dream went on to the aftermath . He dreamed of the Chiss woman coming to him angrily about a month or so later claiming that she was now pregnant because of him . When the news broke , he received a message from Me ' lin saying firmly that she was leaving him , and taking their children with her . He then returned home to see the burned - out shell of his home , likely torched in her anger at his conduct . He quickly awoke from that with sweat drenching his fur , and when he fell asleep again , a second nightmare followed . It was similar to the one he had experienced some time earlier , with Me ' lin being married to another man . He wasn 't trapped on the couch this time , but all the same he had to watch as the Twi ' lek took her vows with another man , the end of his relationship with her . Again he woke up all sweaty , and this time he got up . He couldn 't keep experiencing these things . He had to find a way to cope . He went into the refresher and just stood there , looking at himself in the mirror . What was he doing , he wondered . What had he become ? A simple mistake on his part was now spiraling out of control ; the gambling misconduct had come to life , his wife didn 't trust him and had damned him to the couch , and now he was sleeping with other women and forgetting what he had was the most important thing in his life . He was seeking a quick - fix , but deep down the cold , hard fact remained : he had to rectify things , but it wouldn 't be easy . No doubt Me ' lin was still angry at him for his conduct . He didn 't blame her ; she had every right to be mad at him for gambling behind her back , even betting against his own team once and profiting from it . But the question was how to win her back . This wasn 't something that would just happen overnight ; this was a trust issue , and in any relationship trust was one of the hardest commodities to achieve . He would have to pick his battles and make sure that he didn 't screw up this time . His family , his very being , now hung in the balance . He wondered what Galin would hear growing up from his mother , that his father was no longer around because he was untrustworthy . How would that taint the boy 's maturity ? He would likely curse his name and the man whom had made him possible , the wretched father he never really had . Mykal likely wouldn 't take it as hard , but then again , it was another act of betrayal against him that could easily send him down further into the dark depths of life . He had worked so hard to get this far , and didn 't need something to kill that progress . What about the new baby ? They would never know him if Me ' lin decided to divorce her husband while still pregnant . He wanted to be there for the child , wanted to make sure that his wife wasn 't alone in her time of need . So the question remained ; what to do ? He finally went back to sleep , but the next day was haunted by this query . Instead of going home , he decided to stay at a hotel for a day , to buy himself more time before going home . But this night didn 't help him at all ; he needed more time . So he spent a second night there , once again cast off from his home . He had done this exercise in relationship - building before , but at that time his wife at least seemed somewhat open to him . But right now she was shut off from his point of view , and likely didn 't care what he was up to . He had to make it up to her , had to make things right . That was the only logical conclusion here . Finally he went home , but he didn 't see much of his wife . She tried to stay out of his way , and when he attempted to speak to her , pushed him aside . The Bothan couldn 't believe that she could hold that much of a grudge against him , but knew that he deserved it . If only he could figure out a way to get her back on his side , he contemplated as he fell asleep on the couch once more . " Mommy , when is Dad getting home ? " Galin asked for about the fifteenth time . It had been several weeks since the credits that Gark had earned while gambling on Limmie games had arrived at the S ' rily home , and Me ' lin was still angry at her husband for his conduct . How he could do such a low thing , she didn 't know ; at least when he had taken that off - world trip to Balfron before the season he had admitted that he gambled . It had been part of the territory . But gambling behind her back , and then lying about not knowing what was in the case or how to open it , that 's what bugged her . The fact he didn 't want her knowing about his activities is what bugged her most , and she was afraid that it wasn 't the only thing he was keeping from her . " I don 't know , " she finally said to her son . " It 's all on him . It 's his fault he 's not here right now . " " Oh , " Galin said , finally understanding the concepts , at least to some degree . He likely wouldn 't understand the reason why the Twi ' lek was actually doing this , so there was no need to explain fully . As long as the boy understood that Gark had hurt his wife in some way , then that was likely enough . " When is he coming back ? " " But I miss him , " Galin said , pouting . He hadn 't seen much of his father in the past three weeks . What little time Gark had been able to spend with his son was now getting cut into even more . The five - year old likely felt abandoned . " We all do , " Me ' lin said . " But he needs to figure out his priorities before he comes back , needs to be a better friend . You see , Galin , you need to be a good friend to others so that they don 't turn their back on you . Your father wasn 't a good friend , though , and right now he 's having to make up for that . " " Not as easy as you think . Now go and do your homework , " Me ' lin said . Galin sulked as he walked away , his backpack in tow . Obviously he wasn 't in the mood to work on anything right now , even though it was easy work from kindergarten . If he had anything , it was likely basic math . . . very basic . But Me ' lin wasn 't finished with this line of thought . Galin wouldn 't let her hear the end of it that Gark wasn 't home . The young boy idolized his father , even if he wasn 't always around . Whether that had more to do with Superbothan or the team , she wasn 't sure , but in either case Galin connected more readily with him than with her . And she couldn 't blame him ; she was the one he was around more , and he likely had developed a level of comfort around her that she took for granted . He likely needed another presence , one that was harder to get ; the fatherly presence he was now lacking . And she couldn 't help him get it . He was on his own for that one . Yet , the Twi ' lek knew it was somewhat her fault . She had forced Gark out of the house like this ; although the team had been out of town , and he had gone with them , it was likely that he was staying away from home for a reason . She hadn 't exactly been hospitable towards him after the reveal of the credits , and rightfully so . She was angry that he would do such a thing , and figured that it was the right response to the situation . She didn 't know if her actions were secretly splitting them apart , or if Gark was truly missing out on his life without her . She sat down on the sofa in the silence , trying to collect her thoughts . The mass in her belly shifted slightly , and she reached down to calm it . This was one thing she didn 't like about being pregnant ; always having another mass to deal with other than her own . She should have expected this connection between her and Gark to be somewhat frayed from the beginning , she thought . After all , she had willingly married him after he had faked his death and barely escaped the same fate in the Siege of the Senate . She knew what she had been getting into ; if he lived like that , there was a decent chance that he wouldn 't come home one day from his superhero antics . That had hung over her , but the thought that maybe he would give up the cape and mask and provide for her had been enough to pacify her doubts . She loved him , and he her . That had been the reason she had decided to do this , to seal the pact between the two of them that was to last for eternity . She wanted to be with him , and that would never change . People had said she was crazy for marrying him . Here she was , simply a secretary , and he , a famous icon . He was marrying a woman just for her looks and her body , some likely had said , a pretty face in the office that he didn 't really like but wanted to have sex with almost every night . But she had known differently ; she knew him a lot better than others gave them credit for . And she wanted to be with him , just the two of them living together in a bond of mutual love and respect . That 's all she wanted , because she knew that hard she had cried when she thought he had died . She couldn 't stand the thought of losing him then , and even now that still rang true . She could vividly remember those days spent crying into her pillow as everything seemed to crumble around her . Her eye muscles had gotten sore , the tears becoming painful after a while . People had come to her door to try and cheer her up , but she wouldn 't admit them inside . She had wanted to be alone , alone in her wretched misery . And then , out of the blue , she had heard Gark 's voice , which she thought to be a specter coming in from an ethereal realm . But he was indeed there . She could also not forget how hopeful she was to hear that he was alive , and that her dream was still burning . Everything between that moment and Gark 's proposal were a blur in her mind , because she had been so overcome with emotion that she wasn 't quite thinking straight . Yet the relationship they shared had been off - kilter ever since they wed in the 272 offseason . A mixture of crazed enemies , tensions between the two coming anywhere from time spent away from home to Trimfian issues , and the kidnapping of she and her son by Binn Kinshry 's thugs had forced them both apart many times . They had been able to reconcile after every time , but sometimes she wondered if love could keep them together without any other help . Because she despised Gark 's willingness to get into danger , and was terrified of him being away from home without her too long . She had seen the Holo shows , the ones where the stud husband was off sleeping with supermodels while the wife was stuck at home wondering where he was and if their relationship could last . She didn 't want to speculate that Gark was sleeping with another woman , but the possibility lurked in the back of her mind . She wanted to swat at it , to make it go away , but it wouldn 't leave . Could Gark be capable of such a thing ? Could he take her anger at him and turn it into a desire for another woman ? In her anger over the credits , she had threatened divorce . This had likely shaken Gark to his core , but now the Twi ' lek was starting to worry that he had taken it a bit too far . Was he looking to find an excuse to make her leave him so that he could quickly re - marry ? What would happen if he showed up on the doorstep with a new wife in hand , ready to take back the house he had bought for his first wife ? Where would she and the rest of her family go ? How could she take care of Galin and the new baby if Gark then cut her loose from the team to remove the scars of her infidelity ? It all scared her . But at the time , it had made sense . Gark had been forced to open the briefcase , had spilled his guts to keep her from leaving . Perhaps he was suffering greatly at the hands of his decision , and the Twi ' lek wished that he was . She wanted him to know the consequences of his actions , and how they had hurt their relationship . They had spent some time in the last five years arguing over things , but they had finally realized that it wouldn 't do them any good to drive further apart because they needed each other . Deep down Me ' lin realized that she needed her husband , and that he needed her . They were supposed to be inseparable , and she desperately wanted him back . But only if he cleaned up his act , only if he realized the wrongfulness of his actions and worked to rectify them . Only then would she welcome him back , when he realized that she was the most important thing in his life . Until then , he would likely stay away . She rubbed her stomach gently with both hands , trying to calm her nerves with thoughts of the new child that she would someday give birth to . It was half her , and half of Gark , and that would never change . She thought about Galin and about Mykal , and then about herself . Could she continue this cycle and potentially push Gark further away from her ? Could she learn to forgive him and let him back into the home ? He was still in her heart , but she wasn 't sure how much it would take for him to return to his normal place in her life . The only question was how such a thing was possible . Because Me ' lin S ' rily wanted her husband . What she didn 't know was how to get him back , and how to make sure he still wanted her . Galin S ' rily was conflicted . Over the last few weeks , his life seemed to have taken another odd chapter when his father decided to not show up to the house for several weeks . His mother didn 't give him any level of comfort except that the elder Bothan was not " being a good friend " , whatever that meant . For the five - year old , all he knew was that he was going to school , living at home without his father , and confused about the whole thing . And that didn 't sit well with him . Something had changed after the All - Star break . He had gone with his family to Carratos for the event , and everything seemed alright in the galaxy at that time . But that next week , everything went upside down . Things in the house political scene got much tenser , and even though he didn 't know the causal factors of the grudge between his parents , he knew that they were at a tipping point about something . Nothing was said about why they were at odds with each other , but he really didn 't care what the issue at hand was . He just wanted his father back . It seemed like a complicated item that he had been wanting for some time . His father wasn 't always around ; with the Limmie team that he was controlling , plus this mysterious land of " a day job " that the boy didn 't understand , he didn 't have a lot of time to be home . He saw his mother a lot more , but sometimes he was off at school under the supervision of neither . School was OK in his mind , but they made him do homework there , and naps were no longer as prevalent in the daily schedule . He wasn 't sure if it made him crankier or just more tired . Whatever it was , he still wanted a more stable home life . Something in the back of his mind reminded him of days where he never thought he would see his father again . The memories seemed a little fuzzy , but he could remember something about bars , a cell , bad men . . . his mother weeping in the corner . He had still not found a way to suppress the memories of the thugs , how they had destroyed his confidence . . . how they had driven him to the point of starvation . And he remembered his mother being shattered by what they did to her , how she had snapped at him and tried to drive him away . He didn 't understand how they had hurt her , but could understand how she had reacted . She had been angry , full of spite over something . She was hurt more than he could imagine , and he had been the whipping boy at that time for her rage . It still stung him to remember her coarse words directed at him , trying to push him away when he needed a friend . No , he would never forget those raw emotions . Even after those memories ended , he still didn 't recall his father being home a lot . It always seemed like he was busy with something , and no matter how much he asked , the elder Bothan wasn 't going to spend as much time with him as he wanted . It was an exercise in futility , it seemed . But he wanted to be cared for by both parties , wanted his father to spend more time with him . Because he idolized the man , both for his team and for the superhero named after him . He had always idolized his father . But sometimes it seemed like that wasn 't enough . He wanted something that looked like would never come . And then there was the question of his mother . He kept noticing how she looked somewhat different these days , but he couldn 't quite tell why . Finally she had sat him down and explained something about a new sibling , and then rubbed her stomach to prove her point . It seemed different , yes , but Galin didn 't quite get what she was hinting at from those words . The only thing he could understand was that another child would be on the way to life in the house , and that it probably would cut into his already - limited face time with his father . Mykal didn 't speak when the boy asked him about what Mom meant , either because he didn 't know or he wasn 't going to grace his younger brother with an answer . Galin didn 't understand why his parents would have another child . He had no idea where they came from , and why another one was so attractive to them . He had been used to being the only child in the house , and the addition of Mykal had changed things . But what a baby would bring to the table , he had no clue . All he could figure was that he wouldn 't like it that much . He had asked his mother why she was having another baby , and she had just laughed a little bit and ruffled his head fur like his father always did and just said something about it " being because she loved his father " . Now he was even more convinced that he was getting squeezed out . All he wanted was more attention , but he wasn 't sure if he was going to get it soon , if ever . His father wasn 't coming home often , and when he did he seemed separated , detached from the rest of the home . For a five - year old who should have been in good shape , Galin S ' rily was not in great shape . He missed his father , he missed his life . And he simply just wanted it back . |
We were all alone . We would be for a few more days . The blinds were raised to show the view of Henry 's back yard , a lush green valley of grass that needed mowing , and in the distance at the bottom of the hill were the trees that led into an expansive forest . Their property extended somewhere into the woods . Usually we 'd be out there , even in this rain , soaking wet , up against the wet bark of a tree . But we didn 't mind . I could smell the rain in the air . It smelled like home , like something safe . The gray light cast down to the boy who lay in my arms . My eyes washed over him , drinking in the sight of his soft , white skin . He 'd always been somewhat pale , but right now his whole body was flushed pink . His arms were pulled close and his hands rested on my chest , his fingers making slight movements against my naked chest that sent shivers through my body . His eyes were closed , his moppy dark brown hair obscured most of his face . It was still damp from sweat . Beneath the covers , our naked legs were intertwined , and my still sticky cock was pressed against his thighs . His member was hiding somewhere , because he was curling up slightly and facing toward me . I brushed a strand of dark hair away from his face . He took a staggering deep breath that told me he was falling asleep . I pulled him closer and felt his heart beating in his neck and his back , still thumping a little harder than normal . A few minutes ago we 'd come together and collapsed , and I had pulled the blankets above us to fight the oncoming chill of the cool afternoon air . No one would be home for several days . We were all alone . This was our time . We were lucky to have it . We 'd been in love for years . Our parents thought we were just friends . We couldn 't tell them the truth , or anyone else . Not even our friends new . Though we both knew they suspected it and we didn 't deny it . Sometimes we met up underneath an old abandoned bridge in the woods . Sometimes in the dense forest behind Henry 's house . And sometimes , when there was a blessed hour or two when no one was around , we could pull our clothes off , breathing quickly , hearts thumping , and fall into Henry 's soft queen size bed , and we would roll and giggle and kiss and bite and embrace and thrust and pull and we would make mistakes and accidentally hurt each other , and our bodies would awkwardly clap together and make silly noises , and sometimes there was a mess and sometimes there were unpleasant smells and sometimes one of us would have a runny nose and it would get on the other . Being in love is a messy business . Being human is messy . Touching is messy . We didn 't mind . We treasured everything . Every moment and every touch , every taste and smell . He was the only person I 'd ever loved , and I never wanted to love anyone else . The world was empty but for Henry and his moppy hair and his shorter height than mine , and his adorable round butt that made me instantly hard every time I saw it , and the way he laughed at stupid things in movies that made me roll my eyes , and the way I could feel him harden in his pants when I gave him even the most gentle kiss . The way his bright blue eyes would look up at me , because he was always lower than me , when we stood he was lower , and when we were in bed I held him against my chest . It 's strange that it was my arms around him that made me feel so safe . With my outer hand I explored the familiar contours of his body . The gentle down of hair against his butt , which he hated but which I thought was incredibly sexy . My fingers passed through those hairs that were so light they were almost blonde , perfectly splayed along the cheeks of his butt . My finger found it 's way between them into the warm crevice that seemed to beat with his heart for just a moment against my fingertip . He was nearly asleep but he noticed , and he squirmed gently , but it was a happy gesture . He was exhausted , but I knew that if I pushed my fingertip further , he would want more . I ran my fingertip up along the crevice between his cheeks and then my nails gave a gentle tickling scratch up his back to his shoulder , and he breathed the tiniest sigh of relief . I wanted him to have this reprieve , I knew that in an hour or so we 'd be at it again . This moment might come again and again in our lives . We might have a million of these moments . But this one would never be replaced , and none afterward would be the same . When we were older , we 'd both look back on this moment and yearn for it , even if we still have the happiest of moments then , this one will never come again . This one is perfect . I am more perfectly alive than any other person in the world . Anyone who yearns and tries and searches , it is this that they are searching for . It is this moment in the rain , with Henry pressed against me , and the utter safety of knowing that I don 't have to get out of bed if I don 't want to , and I don 't have to let him go . I place a finger , the same one that was just giving his entrance a gentle prod , beneath his chin and with the slightest pressure I raise his face up , and his lips form the slightest of smiles . I lean down and my lips reach forward and find their home upon his , and his lower lip is in my mouth and I suck it gently , and a soft and gentle groaning for more comes from him chest and his throat , vibrating against my mouth . He wants more . He 's insatiable . I love him so much . I kiss his closed eyes , my lips touching those soft eyelids , and his lashes flutter just a little from the surprise , but he 's smiling again . He opens those eyes and they look into mine , and they are blue and crystal and bright and full of everything I am , and he leans up to give me a kiss himself , one a little rougher than mine , his lips pressing hard against mine , and now my eyes are closed , and my pelvis instinctively thrusts forward as my cock begins lazily thickening , and finds its tip pressed against his erection . He lays his head against my chest again and his eyes are closed , and as I glance at his face I place a kiss on his temple . Everything is worth this . Any pain is worth this . As long as I have this , I can be anything . As long as Henry is pressed against my chest and his lithe body is squirming in my arms , readying itself for more of our passionate and emotional connection , as long as I have the heat of his body to protect me from the sweet chill of the rain outside , I am alive . He is everything in my heart , and the world is a bright landscape upon which he walks , and his destination will always be in my arms , where I need him to be , where I can have safety and shelter . He is rain and forests and beds and moments . His voice is a soft , crackling whisper , saying that he loves me . My vision becomes blurry . He 'll notice in a moment and ask me why I 'm crying . But for a fraction of a moment , this is my reality , forever and ever , and I am so happy that I can 't express it , but my body is trying anyway , with my hard cock and my salty tears and my expectant lips when they come close to his . And there is no world , no home , no life , but for this feeling , and even though in a few moments it will subside , and transform , and become something different , it 's here . And this is enough . This is enough . 9Jan2017 Fearies Awakening # 5 : Moonlight Posted in Fiction by Jesse Colton ( Special Request ! I know that there are a few loyal followers who like my posts whenever I post something , and every post usually gets some attention from a few people . I 'm not sure how many people actually take the time to read these blog posts , but I 'm going to make a special request of you guys . If you take the time to read this , please take the time to comment , even if it 's something short and to the point . A long time ago , I read a post on someone 's blog that said said that if you 've invested the time out of your day to read what someone has written , please also invest just one more moment to let them know what you thought of it . I almost never get comments on my blog and it means the world to me when people do comment , so please , if you like what you 're reading , leave me a comment and let me know what you think . Thanks guys , enjoy ! ) So I ran across a bit of a stumbling block with my last entry in chapter one . I was watching an Australian romantic comedy series called Please Like Me , and the energy of humorously awkward romance bled into my writing and it completely didn 't fit within the story . At least not at this moment in the story . I realized very quickly that I needed to take another stab at this chapter , and I 'm really happy that I did . When I first wrote it , in addition to the tonal problem , I also ran across a real problem of getting my characters from one point to another : I wanted to talk about the library , but first I had to get them to the castle gate , then through the corridors leading to the library . But I don 't actually know much about the castle layout . So how did I solve this problem ? I did what I always do , I started in the middle . This picks up in the first draft right after Hephaestion tells Lucas to lead the way out of the town square , and begins inside the old library in the castle . I may come back later to flesh out how they got there , or since it isn 't terribly important , I may leave it the way it is . Another big problem I 've had is that some very important storyline things are about to happen right here in this library , and I have been very intimidated . My goblin is about to make his grand appearance to my protagonist , and things are going to begin being set in motion that will actually cause the events of the plot to begin to unfold . That is , surprisingly , a very daunting thing to write . I 've spoken the scene aloud several times to myself in the shower or in other places , but I needed to get Lucas and Hephaestion into the library to make it happen . Also , this is a note about editing , but I 'm not really sure how important of a role Rex and Eric will play in the story . Because I 've been so interested in Lord of the Rings lately , I had thought about making Rex and Eric a part of the main cast , at least in the beginning , to journey with Lucas , but I 'm also considering leaving them out entirely . Rex was a spur of the moment character I invented to get Lucas to Hephaestion , and Eric is a redesign of an older character from the conceptual material . Still , I can 't say how any of this will go from here , but I 'm asking you to disregard the last version of the library as no longer canon , and take this one as the truth instead . I know that editing and redrafting is something that typically happens later , but I was unable to move on with the story from where I left it before . Moonlight fell in blue shafts from the high , long windows of the old library , and in the illumination , the dust of a long - forgotten place danced and swirled . Lucas stood leaning on the railing that overlooked the floor beneath , where more high windows cast moonlight over the long tables beneath , covered in books that lay half open , as though they were abandoned in haste . Chairs were still pulled out and scattered among the floor , and on all sides of the room were the rows and rows of high , tall wooden shelves , filled with books whose spines stood strong and quiet in the desolate place . The library was a part of the royal wing , and like the rest of the royal wing of the castle it had fallen into disuse and , eventually , abandoned almost entirely . Across the many shelves were gaping holes where books had been taken to be moved to the scholar 's library on the other side of the castle , where work was still done , and no doubt the lamps still burned as the night came on in full . Lucas found himself hypnotized by the site of old library , standing like a ruin in the quiet moonlight . A set of wooden stairs that had once gleamed with polish and now covered with a fine layer of dust led up to the landing where he stood , and behind him were even more rows of bookshelves , and shelves built into the walls , reaching higher than anyone could stand , and so there were ladders placed haphazardly around the area , where the scholars had cleaned out anything of particular interest long ago . It had been ten years since Lucas had visited this place , and even in this dark state , where no lanterns burned in any corner , only moonlight and shadow , it still held it 's charm . Lucas smiled to himself and he turned around . He walked through a darkened aisle where nothing could be made out on the spines of the books , and then stopped at a shelf where the moonlight fell , and he ran his forefinger along the dusty spines . Old leather - bound volumes with faint traces of color that had long since been worn away adorned the spaces that weren 't left empty , and he grabbed one at random to examine it , pulling it out , and in the illumination of moonlight seeing a cloud of dust erupt from it 's vacant space . The old spine gave a loud creak as he opened the book to the center and ran a hand across it 's yellowed pages . In the moonlight he could make out some of the text , but it seemed uninteresting : an old history book , and it was recounting a battle of Alexandria . Since it didn 't refer to the city as New Alexandria , it must have been outdated , and supplanted with more reliable information , so this old volume was left . He slipped it back into it 's place on the bookshelf , noticing that the two books on either side of the vacant space hadn 't budged at all , so used to sitting still and silent were they . He explored his way through several more aisles , pausing to run his fingers along the dusty spines , but from the titles saw nothing that sparked his interest . Nothing fictional , no tales of adventures , no chronicles of great heroes . Mostly books about Alexandrian history and law . He saw littered against the stone columns scattered through the library glass cases under which terribly old volumes sat , their pages opened , the ink faded . He stopped in front of one , a shaft of blue light cast on it , and he peered down to see a crude drawing of a wolf , and some text beside it giving it a name . He wasn 't sure if this was a mythological story of an actual account of a hunter fighting a ravenous beast . It was still too difficult to make out much more than a few words . Lucas heard a cork pop and it startled him , he turned quickly to see Hephaestion sitting against the far stone wall , just beneath a window and covered in moonlight himself . He had opened the bottle of brown liquid that he 'd carried within his satchel . Lucas held the empty satchel over his shoulder , hoping that he would find something in the library worth bringing home , but so far nothing had spoken to him . He made his way over to Hephaestion and folded his arms with a look of false disapproval . Hephaestion grinned and turned the bottle up , taking one hardy swig before coughing and pressing his fist to his chest . Lucas raised his eyebrows . Hephaestion wiped his mouth and looked up , then croaked out , " Pretty good stuff . " Lucas looked down at the bottle . Clear and a little dusty , with some words written across the front in ornate calligraphy that he couldn 't quite read in the dim light . He 'd never really liked alcohol , though he 'd drank wine at official dinners , and had been told by his father that to refuse the wine was an insult to the staff . He enjoyed the bitter red wine more than the sweet white wine , and he assumed from the sickening smell of this liquid that it would be bitter . He exhaled and bravely took a drink , upending the bottle the same way Hephaestion had , instantly choking , and then setting the bottle down and coughing , some of the liquid escaping from his lips as he did so . It burned his throat and seemed to remain hot as it settled somewhere in his chest . Hephaestion nodded , " Absolutely , " he said , " But I prefer to hear it from people older and wiser than me , I like to hear it spoken . I don 't mind learning about history and philosophy and even theology , I just don 't want to read it . Seems like when I read it , I 'm left to sort out what it all means , but when a professor or a tutor explains it , they know how to make sense of it . " Lucas pursed his lips and thought for a moment , then nodded , " Most definitely . I 'm probably afraid . I don 't feel afraid , but I 'm probably afraid . Unpleasant guy , my father . " " He is , " replied Lucas , " And cold , and unfeeling , and demanding , and surprisingly boring . He commands respect everywhere he goes , and yet he never has much interesting to say . Always going on about politics and talking about the welfare of other people , but he doesn 't seem to show any interest in the welfare of people around him . " " It sounds nice to me , though , " said Hephaestion , " To have a parent to make rules for you . My only parents are the officers , and they believe in letting people learn things the hard way . If I want to go out in the middle of the night and get myself into trouble , I can do it , and then I can come home with a terrible headache and a black eye , and they just nod and tell me that I learned my lesson . " " No you don 't , " said Hephaestion with an edge of sadness in his voice , " I never got to know either of my parents , they died when I was so young that I don 't even know if my memories are real or if I 'm just imagining them . I have this idea of what my mother probably looked like but I can 't be sure . And my father , I just remember him holding my hand and walking me around town , nothing much else . When they died , I was sent to the academy and raised by the officers . " " I don 't remember my mother , obviously , " interjected Lucas , " She died in childbirth . So I 've truly never had a mother , as long as I 've been alive . Except maybe for a minute or two . It was just my father and the nannies and tutors . " Hephaestion rested a hand on Lucas ' shoulder . Lucas ' pulse quickened but only slightly . " I 'm sorry , " he said sincerely , " It isn 't your fault your mother died , otherwise there wouldn 't have been any nannies . I shouldn 't have been so callous . " Hephaestion turned away from the wall and laid out flat on his back , spreading out on the floor . The light from the window was fully illuminating him . His cotton shirt was coming up just above his waist and the bottom of his stomach was exposed . In the light Lucas saw the light sprinkling of fine brown hair along his lower stomach . He also noticed the small hill in Hephaestion 's trousers between his legs , and had a difficult time looking away , since Hephaestion 's eyes were closed and he didn 't notice . Lucas shifted and then reached between his legs to adjust himself . He took another drink . He was surprised to realize it was the last of the liquor . Hephaestion sat up suddenly , and looked directly into Lucas ' eyes . The moonlight was illuminating his face perfectly . He looked so young . He was twenty , but he might have fourteen . His auburn hair framed his face in long , bright curls , and his eyes were chestnut , the perfect complement to the color of his hair , deep eyes that always showed so much genuine emotion , framed by thick eyebrows . His skin was an olive tan , his jaw was square and his full lips were in an expression of seriousness that was in no way menacing . His eyes always seemed to be pleading to understand , there was a strength to his taut body and square features , and a gentleness in the way he applied them . " You 've told me so many awful things about him , " said Hephaestion , " The few times I 've spoken with him when I 've been to your house he 's had little to say , and he does seem very cold . He frightens me . I can 't imagine what it 's like for you . And I just suddenly realized I 've never heard you say you love him . " Lucas thought for a moment . Did he hate his father ? His immediate instinct was to affirm that he did hate him , but he wasn 't sure that hate was the right word . " I … . " he began hesitantly , " I guess I just don 't really care about him . I don 't … love him . I don 't love him , but I don 't know that I hate him . I don 't care enough to hate him . I just want him to go away . " Hephaestion shook his head , " It 's fine . You don 't have to say anything . Just … I just don 't want to think of him hurting you . You deserve better than that . I want you to be safe . " Hephaestion laid back down on his back , and spread out his limbs again . Lucas felt suddenly very brave , and he got down to his knees and crawled over , then curled up beside Hephaestion with his back to Hephaestion 's side , and Hephaestion reached down and put an arm under Lucas ' head . He rested his head on Hephaestion 's warm arm , after a few moments feeling the blood pumping a little harder to compensate for Lucas being there . Neither of them spoke . Lucas felt warmth in his chest . He sighed contentedly . He thought he felt Hephaestion 's chest shake behind him in a slight chuckle . His eyes were heavy , and now that he was horizontal he realized the room was spinning . He shut his eyes , and the spinning stopped being disorienting and became comforting . The floor swam beneath him , and the warmth of Hephaestion 's body seemed to envelop him , and he fell asleep . 13Apr2012 # 82 : Dreams Of Loneliness , Like A Heartbeat Posted in Autobiographical , Blog by Jesse Colton In October of 2010 , I broke up with my boyfriend of two years , Nathan . It was a long time coming , and though my heart was aching , I was better for it , and I began to feel truly happy for the first time in a long time . I felt freedom and creativity and release and sorrow and longing and passion all at once , and I was happy . I wrote a new song , called Cow 's Milk , about the utter sadness I felt , the quiet sorrow . I started trying to date people online again , first through a website called the Gay Youth Corner . I somehow ran into one of my only friends from middle school , Jonathan , and he and I started spending time together . He told me he was gay and that he 'd had a crush on me back when I was openly gay and flirted with him , and he called me names and made me feel awful and unworthy to be his friend . I started listening to Marilyn Manson and Flyleaf , I wrote some great blog posts about how I was feeling , Ke $ ha released a new EP with a song called the Harold Song that kind of ripped my heart out a little bit . 2010 ended on a good note . I was cold , sick on Christmas , and lonely , but the anxiety I 'd been suffering with for years that had come to a head in 2010 and caused me to be agorophobic was finally soothed when I was at last given medication for it ( Celexa and Klonopin , to whom it may concern ) , and I was suddenly sleeping well , my panic attacks were replaced with a serene feeling of invincibility , and life had hope in it because Nathan no longer anchored me into the muddy earth of the loss of my virginity . I began to believe that I could be happy , and that I could find someone who would make me happy . Things with my mother , however , came to a boiling point previously unmatched , not because the feelings of anger and mistrust were at their highest ever , but because action was taken on her part to be done with me . I made it clear that I wasn 't Christian anymore , and that I didn 't believe in God . When I was home alone , I pulled the Bible I was given when I was 12 from the top drawer of my dresser , and I sat in the floor and ripped it to shreds , and kept the pieces in a trash bag in my closet that I just forgot to throw away , and my mother found . She said a lot of very interesting , ignorant , indoctrinated things to me , like that I had brought " the devil " into her house and she was going to have to anoint the doors to exorcise him . Around this time I also became very angry with my father , who is another story altogether , but when I finally confronted him on being a lying , sick , ignorant , indoctrinated , abusive bastard , he started screaming at me and for all intents and purposes threatened to kill me . He said if I ever called him again he would find me , and he would come to Charlotte and fuck me up . I lost it entirely , and had probably the only nervous breakdown I 've ever truly had . I couldn 't breathe , and my mother , in her audacity , screamed at me , telling me that I need to tell her what happened , angry that I wasn 't , while I cried and had no control over my breathing , and needed my friend who I had on the phone to help me . My father 's new wife called me back to continue the confrontation , and I asked her to tell him please not to hurt me , and I 'd never contact him again . Of course she asked why she should do that , since I had , as they put it , such " big phone balls . " I told her I couldn 't do this and I hung up . I have spoken to my father one time since then , when he called a few months later to wish me a merry Christmas , and I awkwardly said it back to him and made up some excuse that my mother was calling and I had to get off the phone . Someone has said to me that things with my father are nBut I digress . My mother lost it when I had a guy over to the house and stayed alone in my room with him for two hours , changed my sheets after she left , and she found an open box of condoms in the bathroom ( I hadn 't used a condom with the guy because we blew each other , I had just jerked off with a condom for fun on some other occasion , and that was why the box was open , but that wasn 't her business anyway ) . She said she was done with my lifestyle , and we had a fight that ended in her telling me I had to go , now . So I called Nathan , and he brought me to his house . His father told me I had one week to stay there , despite the fact that for the previous two years I 'd stayed at their house for much longer than two weeks at a time and no one had a problem with it , but it didn 't matter . I was going to move to California with someone I knew from Facebook , but he suddenly turned into a big jerk about a week before time to leave , and I decided that the already bad idea of going to California with him was now a very bad idea . I was about to look into homeless shelters , including this place in Charlotte for gay youth , of which I still cannot discern if it 's a homeless shelter , a community center , or just a small lounge , when someone I knew said she 'd told her two aunts , who were married , about my situation , and that they wanted me to call them . I called Eileen when her number was given to me , and she said , " So I heard you need a place to crash . " I told her that I did , and we had a very nice conversation . She presented herself as a very real , down - to - Earth person , and in truth she WAS . So within a couple of days or so , I can 't really remember , my stuff ( which had mostly fit into a couple boxes / containers , and some trash bags ) was put into Nathan 's father 's car and he took me to Cramerton , to their apartment , and they , in true lesbian fashion , had my stuff unloaded and in my room within minutes . The first night we all sat in the bedroom and had pizza , as a family , the two of them , me , their grandmother , their nephew , and the two dogs , along with the occasional cat who wandered into the room , of which there were three . Kim and Eileen were cool . They were nice people . They treated me like I was family . I was happy . We didn 't have very much to eat , but we made it , we always had dinner , even if it was something simple like sandwiches . We shopped at the bargain grocery store , and I cleaned the house while they were at work , and looked for jobs online . I really spent most of my time listening to music , playing Eileen 's Nintendo DS ( Casltevania : Aria of Sorrow , Sword of Mana , Kingdom Hearts : 358 / 2 Days ) and watching some Will and Grace DVDs I bought , using the money I made still working with my mother for her cleaning business . I didn 't really try very hard to find a job , because I 'd still never had to take care of myself at all , I was used to other people taking care of me , and now Kim and Eileen were taking care of me . I felt stable , though . I went to bed and woke up and approximately the same time every day , almost never slept past noon anymore ( for what reason I can 't tell you , presumably it was my pills , since I 'd run out of insurance for mine but Kim and Eileen took the same medication as me and Eileen kept all the medicine in a chest and dealt it out to everyone in the house every morning and evening ) , there were rituals , like walking the dogs every night and talking to Eileen , eating dinner in the bedroom ( the kitchen table was reserved for use by the cats , we ate in the bedroom , Kim and Eileen in their bed with the dogs , Kim 's mother and myself in chairs with trays , and when their nephew Timmy was there , he ate with us too ) , going out with Kim and Eileen to the grocery store , to the thrift store , watching movies together , playing Timmy 's PS3 , listening to Bitch and Animal in the car . I was happy . I 'd found people that I felt were understanding and kind . They also loved to fight . Kim had a terrible temper and got upset about everything , Eileen was usually the voice of reason but they both loved to be angry . Eileen lost it once and screamed at me . I don 't think I remembered until now how much I thought of Eileen . She was a soldier , she 'd lived in Germany , she was intelligent and understanding and tough , and Kim , though somewhat immature , loved to laugh . I was a part of their family . I called them my lesbian moms . On Valentine 's Day we cleared the table and ate a meal together , and everyone got presents , they gave me a basket with candy and a DVD of the Osbournes they 'd bought me from a thrift store I mentioned earlier that we 'd run across . When I told them I was still getting over Nathan , they tried to help by setting up an account on the dating site Plenty of Fish for me , and I started talking to guys and going out on dates with them . The first guy I went out with was a guy named Derek . He lived two hours away and drove to come see me , and took me to his house . He liked the Spice Girls and Taylor Swift , and pretty much all female teen pop singers . We kissed when he stopped at a red light , and I played him some of Boys For Pele while we drove through the woods . We laid in his bed in the dark and cuddled , and at some point we had sex . I don 't really remember it very well , except that he couldn 't bottom so I did it , and his bathroom was missing a wall and had a curtain there instead of one , so he basically heard everything coming out when it was over . He had figurines of Yuna , Rikku and Paine in their Final Fantasy X - 2 garb in his closet , he had a kitten that liked to try and interrupt us while we were having sex by jumping into the action . He was probably a little overpowered by my sexuality . I 've found that most people are . I 'm an extremely passionate , sexual person , I 'm like a 16 year old on viagra after a trip to the YMCA showers at most times , and I think he didn 't know how to handle it . He made a lot of comments to me that hurt my feelings , though he said he was just playing , but I 'd had enough of people making mean comments to me and saying they were kidding . I 'm sure he wasn 't a bad guy but that wasn 't the kind of thing that I needed or wanted . Kim and Eileen were also extremely possessive , protective , and paranoid whenever I went off with someone , and expected me back by a certain day , because they gave me only the medicine I 'd need for the time I 'd be gone . I really wasn 't very attracted to Derek , he was a little overweight and had a hairy back . I 'm not saying that everyone with a hairy back is unnatractive , but I just wasn 't quite feeling it . The fact that his cock was less than huge played a role too . As did the fact that on the two occassions I came to his house I had to stay in his house with the lights off during the day because he lived on his family 's land , and they were not to know that I was therWe just fell out of communication , there was never an official conversation where we said we were going to stop seeing each other . The next person I dated was much more interesting . His name was Brian . When Nathan and I broke up , he started seeing someone around New Year 's . The idea came into my head that the three of us could be in a relationship with one another , and I just went with it . Not being with Nathan and his new guy , but the idea of being in a three - person relationship . I started to think about how fascinating it would be , about how it made so much sense , about the divine implications of their being three of us and the divine power of the number three itself , I started to fantasize about my relationship with two other people . I never really thought it could happen . Brian and I met and had a great conversation . We seemed to be just like one another . We were both gemenis , we both loved video games , we were both big Final Fantasy nerds , we conversed well , I thought it was going to be perfect . He told me about Travis . Travis was his boyfriend . They were looking for a third person to enter into their relationship , and it was important that we all be comfortable with one another , but I was supposed to be dating Brian , Travis was just a part of the relationship with Brian , and I was going to be in a relationship with Travis too . Oddly enough , Brian was one of the biggest assholes I 've ever met in my life . From the moment he laid eyes on me he decided I wasn 't good enough . When I finally forced out of him later why , during my visit with them , he was so rude , curt , and judgemental , he basically said it was because I was fat . Or rather , that my pictures were " misleading . " That I wasn 't as skinny as I 'd looked online . I made myself look like more of an idiot by just wordvomiting my whole life story to them when I didn 't know what to say , and felt myself under Brian 's judgement . They wanted to get to know me better so I was telling them everything , but it only seemed to be making it worse . I kept trying to come on to Brian but he seemed really uncomfortable , I was still sure that it was going well but I hadn 't realized yet that I was completely unwanted by Brian . That night we all slept together . I fondled Brian in his sleep for apparently an hour or so , and eventually he reciprocated and we both got off , and at some point I sucked Travis off too . The next day when they both went to work and I was alone , I cried , realizing what an idiot I 'd been . I had really been sure that Brian , Travis and I were going to work out . I 'd felt a hope with them that I hadn 't felt in a relationship for a long time . Maybe it was the newness of the situation , the idea that since the two of them wanted a three - person relationship and so did I , we HAD to be right for one another . I was going to become a part of them and them a part of me , I was going to go to sleep every night with someone I loved on each side of me , holding me and making love to me . But that isn 't what happened . I came home to Kim and Eileen 's apartment feeling like a loser , completely drained of self confidence and wearing one of Brian 's white tee shirts , I 'd come on the shirt I 'd been wearing , luckily it was made to look as though it were stained with white blotches , so no one could tell that part of it was my semen . I didn 't wash Brian 's tee shirt , which was too tight on me , when I took it off . I kept it and smelled it and breathed in his scent , and I think I slept with it a couple of times too . I was sure I 'd never see them again , but I talked to Brian and he said that Travis was interested in seeing me again , even though he didn 't want to date me anymore . He said that he was going to date a third guy and Travis was going to date a third guy , but we 'd be different guys , and essentially it 'd be two seperate relationships with Brian and Travis connected in the center . I began to realize that Brian 's reasons for wanting another person in his relationship were because he didn 't appreciate Travis or love him for exactly who he was , and because Travis had had an ex - boyfriend who had fucked him so many times a day that he 'd given him hemorrhoids and he couldn 't bottom anymore without going through a lot of pain , and he never topped , so he and Brian couldn 't really have sex anymore , and Brian wanted someone to fill Travis 's role as his bottom . Brian was all about " dom " and " sub " too , he liked to categorize people into tops , bottom , dominants , and submissives . I think I was expected to be intermediate in both ways , so as to be a bridge between them , but as I said , Brian cast judgement upon me from the moment he met me and was never interested in me since then . It was with hesitation that I went to see them again . Brian was so much of an asshole I almost cried at dinner , and at some point the next day he and I got into an argument . But Travis on the other hand was nice to me , though he didn 't say much , and mostly enjoyed me constantly massaging and doting on him . Travis was , and is , an extremely sweet person . He was never judgmental to me the way that Brian had been . He wasn 't as sexual with me this time as he 'd been the last , he said he wanted to save some of that . I was annoyed and somewhat repulsed by Brian 's personality , but I dealt with him . I helped Travis take nude pictures when he decided to become a webcam model , submitted his application , and got a call from the owner of the website within at most an hour or so but probably much less , fervently praising Travis ' looks and talking to him about the site and the benefits and rules of the site . I went home feeling happy with Travis , and extremely annoyed by and unnatracted to Brian . I knew it wasn 't going to work out . I confronted Brian on how judgemental he was toward Travis , how selfish he was , and I told Travis that I liked him but it couldn 't happen with Brian in the picture . Travis and I have communicated some since then , he broke up with Brian soon afterward , I was happy for him , and he got into a relationship with someone he 's still with . I don 't usually talk to Travis anymore but he 's just as friendly with me now as he was then . I didn 't give up after Brian and Travis . I met Jimmy probably sometime in March , and he , like Derek had , drove a couple hours from where he lived in Greenville , South Carolina to see me . We went on a date to the Olive Garden ( I stole my napkin so that I 'd have something from our first date , I got the idea from an episode of Will and Grace when one of Grace 's boyfriends steals a menu to keep from their first date ) . We didn 't say much . We mostly smiled and played footsie . It was very cute , but I think I was trying to ignore the fact that we didn 't connect . But Jimmy was nice to me , and when we parked outside of the mall we kissed . It wasn 't anything special . He seemed to really enjoy it and felt that it was great , I think I knew then that there was no spark on my end when it came to Jimmy . But the date continued , we went on a walk through the woods in the park , Jimmy was kind , attentive , and understanding , he listened to me and cared about what I had to say , he smiled when I started making out with him furiously and told me to calm down ( and massaged my neck and my ears , since I 'd told him it was an easy way to calm me now ) , and when finally we took turns peeing into a creek and not peeking at each other , we ended up jacking off together , and came at the exact same moment . Our cumshots crossed in mid - air . I think he made some comment , when I mentioned this , about it being fate or something . I think it was on our second date that we made out in the back of his car in the parking lot of the same park and jacked off together in his backseat , which we pulled down and had our feet in the trunk . It was romantic . I think I knew in the back of my mind that Jimmy and I weren 't the one 's for one another , but I was happy with how romantic it was . Jimmy was kind to me . He didn 't yell . He didn 't cause a problem . He listened . He was understanding . He was pretty cute . He seemed to like how crazy and silly and odd I was , and listened to whatever music I played and usually seemed to really enjoy it . The romancI got a job at the Waffle House on my first try . I walked in , filled out an application , talked to the manager , dropped my mom 's name ( she worked for Waffle House for somewhere between thirty years , she was a manager and a general manager , and the guy sitting at the bar beside me happened to know her ) and the manager made me a handwritten training schedule . When I showed up for my first day of work , however , I was told that I couldn 't start because my background check hadn 't come through . Kim and Eileen just did not seem to grasp this concept . The manager said that she would call me , but Kim and Eileen kept making me call her , and she never answered . Still , they had me call her every day , to see if my background check had come through yet . Jimmy and I had planned to spend some time together at his apartment where he lived with some friends in South Carolina , so , since my background check hadn 't come through and I couldn 't start working yet , we went ahead and proceeded with the plans . I think I knew , when Jimmy showed up that night and I walked out the door to his car , that I was leaving Kim and Eileen 's house and going to live with him . I felt it . I knew that I was moving to somewhere new , and that life was an adventure after all , that I was being young and romantic and happy , and that I was going off on an adventure with a boy . I remember listening to Precious Things while trying to stay awake in the car , singing along to it and amusing Jimmy with my awesome antics . When we got to his apartment I met Danielle , a roommate who 'd just recently been taken on by Jimmy and Melanie , the transgendered male - to - female girl who was the only real tenant in the apartment and who rented to Jimmy and Danielle because she couldn 't afford the place on her own . Let me break it down for you . There were Jimmy and I , who were both gay boys . There was Danielle , who was a bisexual girl . There was Danielle 's boyfriend Michael , who refused to identify as a sexuality , but claimed he was interested in only girls , though at one point he wanted to have sex with one of his friends who was male and liked to dress as a girl , and they would have sex while he was dressed as a girl , for the record Jimmy and I both repeatedly said Michael was gay . There was Melanie , who was born male and given the name John , and she couldn 't afford hormone therapy or surgery , so she had a slender male body with long hair ; she was , I assume , bisexual , and her girlfriend Carson , who was probably bisexual , but I 'm not entirely sure how she identified . Oh , and with the exception of Jimmy and I , everyone who lived in the house or who came to the house were furries . Not the kind that dress up as bears and have orgies , the anime kind … who dress up as foxes and may or may not have orgies , I 'm not sure . Danielle had Jimmy and I make out for her amusement ( and pleasure ? perhaps ? ) , and I knew then that I really wasn 't planning on leaving Jimmy 's . I also knew that , because Jimmy was not an extremely strong - willed person and he basically did what I asked / told him , he 'd let me move in . I don 't mean to say that I was intentionally taking advantage of Jimmy 's passive , kind nature , but the fact remains that what I asked for I usually got from him . On our first night , we fooled around in his bed ( he wanted us to wait to have sex until we were ready ) , and he came on my face . I think it was probably the hottest sexual encounter we had . We were also officially boyfriends , we 'd decided after out first date and I 'd had the keen joy of finally changing my relationship status on Facebook and seeing everyone 's comments about us dating ourselves . Jimmy and I looked exactly alike , you see , there were comments many times about us being long - lost twins . Given that I 'm a Gemini and I 've always felt duped not having a twin , I didn 't mind it . Also , since I 'm not bothered by incest , especially not gay incest , I was happy about this . I think in some way I 'm always looking at my life as a whole and seeing the perception of how it reflects who I am . In honesty I enjoy contraversial things , but not because they 're contraversial , I just question everything , and I don 't believe in boundaires . The fact that my boyfriend and I looked alike made some people think of incest and quiver uncomfortably , but I was happy that it seemed like incest , because it made me seem more unique . I think I 've always been one of those people who likes to be different , because I am different , and revel in how different I am . Though of course there are many others like me in every aspect that I 'm different , I feel that I 'm a fantastic person , so I think I pull all of these qualities together in a special way . If that sounds vain , it 's just because I love myself . I told you I was in love with myself . I 'm not now the way I was then , and that 's not necessarily a good thing . But I want people to see how special and unique I am . I think that 's why I want to be a musician and why I want to be famous , famous in my way , not necessarily appearing on television ( much ) , but people knowing who I am and loving me and obsessing over me . Everyone wants it , just no one will admit it . Celebrities like being celebrities , because it makes them feel special . The difference is that I 'm already special , and I want people to see it . I want to be loved . In every way . It 's another way in which I want to be loved , to have fans . After my first night at Jimmy 's , Eileen called and asked if I 'd called about my background check at Waffle House . I explained to her that it wasn 't doing any good , and she got mad at me and said I was more interested in finding a boyfriend than in having a job or being responsible , and then there was a long , dramatic fight that mostly happened over Facebook , with Kim calling me a lot of names and behaving like a 7th - grade girl on MySpace , and saying she was throwing my stuff out on their lawn . After calling my mother and asking her to get my stuff , my mother presumably calling and talking to them , they told me they weren 't going to throw out my stuff but that I had 24 hours to get it . Of course that wouldn 't work because Jimmy didn 't have the gas to bring me back that soon , so finally they decided that when I could come back to get my stuff , I would , as long as I returned their keys and a Queer As Folk DVD of theirs I 'd taken with me ( which incidentally I hadn 't watched , I only ever really watched it once when I went to visit Nathan ) . They somehow managed to fit my stuff ( which consists almost entirely of books and CDs , along with some miscellaneous things , mostly stuff from my relationship with Nathan ) into like 6 different small boxes , but we got it into Jimmy 's truck , and my mother took what remained , along with my furniture , which she had someone bring his truck to the apartment to take to her house . We went to the Waffle House ( not the same one I 'd been hired at ) and my mom told Jimmy that now that I was out of medication ( since I didn 't have the money for mine and Kim and Eileen only gave me approximately what would have been left of mine out of what they had , which was about four days to a week 's worth ) , I was going to go crazy and I 'd be way too much for him to handle . She did not offer to buy my medication for me , or to take me to the doctor , she let me go off with Jimmy and decided I would fend for myself when my medication ran out and I withdrew from it and went back to feeling anxiety and panic . She never offered to take me back into her home , though I had asked her once as Kim and Eileen 's house , and she immediately denied it . My mother spent a long time doing everything she could to provide food , clothing , entertainment , and a home for me . She gave up her time and nearly killed herself working so that I could eat and have nice things , and have Christmases with a lot of gifts . But that is not the same thing as being a good parent to your child . I don 't think she would ever have understood me even had she tried to , but if she had tried , that at least would have meant something . Or maybe it wouldn 't have . And maybe she did try . But for whatever reason , the gulf that expanded between my mother and myself , wider and wider , since I was 13 years old , never was crossed entirely . And what she may not perceive as cruelty , or what she may not have intended to be cruelty , was cruelty to me , and she let me go to South Carolina knowing that I would drown . Jimmy worked at McDonalds and we had no money for food , what we did have was given to him by his parents but they didn 't have that much money either , and we ran out of food quickly . We are ramen noodles , peanut butter , and bread . Every few days we 'd have pizza from Little Caesar 's . I was withdrawing from my medication too , taking less and less of it , cutting my pills into fourths and taking them every other day , then every two days , I never actually finished with what I had , I spent about a week withdrawing from them . I was extremely dizzy for days , I was very annoyed and short - tempered and easily angered , and it was in this state that I had no choice but to look for a job , which I did not do very well , since I spent most of time listening torrenting music , watching porn ( Jimmy at one point put parental controls on his computer to stop me , which pissed me off to no end ) , playing Rift , which he introduced me to , and watching a LOT of Family Guy , amongst other shows he and I ( but mostly I ) had DVR 'd , since he had really good cable and very fast internet ( these were two things which he really enjoyed and always considered necessary to have , and I didn 't , and don 't , fault him for ) . I yelled at him a lot . I was angry about my situation , and I was withdrawing , and more than anything I was hungry , and I was still very sad about Nathan , and I knew , though I hadn 't yet acknowledged it to myself , that Jimmy and I were not a good couple . We had sex , and it was extremely underwhelming . I almost gave up because it was just awkward and uncomfortable . Jimmy was not extremely blessed in the cock department , and he didn 't know how to use what he had ; I mostly spent all my energy just trying to keep him from slipping out of me . Meanwhile if I topped him , he complained the whole time and whined that it hurt , so the only way for him to have sex with me comfortably was for me to bottom , which I didn 't really tell him wasn 't good at all . Basically , Jimmy and I were not good in bed together . I won 't say he was bad in bed , because sex is about a connection , and we didn 't really have much of one , so our sex wasn 't very good . I did , however , need to get off a LOT . And I 'm a person who has always gotten off a lot . I was sucking him off or otherwise coming onto him many times a day , apart from watching porn and jerking off every time we were in bed together . At some point neither of us were shooting almost any come out anymore because I 'd used up everything we had with my extreme sexual appetite . I should mention that I 've heard that antidepressants lessen your sex drive , so coming off of my antidepressants might have had something to do with this , combined with the fact that I had nothing to do , and I 'm an extremely sexual person already . But I cared for him . I knew in the back of my mind and in the back of my heart that we weren 't going to last , maybe I knew more than I was letting myself know , but I loved it when he came home from work at 5 in the morning and crawled into bed beside me , and woke me up to talk to me while I was half asleep , and held me . And I loved waking up in the morning and holding him close around his furry stomach and pushing his ass into my crotch and holding him tightly close to me , kissing his neck and his face and playing with his hair , waking him up by sucking his cock or eating his ass . I don 't know , even now , what it was that we had , because it wasn 't a relationship but it wasn 't a friendship , and it was more just something floating around in this happy air of freedom . I was free . My mother was far away , and I was the happiest that I had ever been in my life . I believed that life had promise and hope , and that the starving was only a part of life that we 'd soon be through , and that eventually I 'd be stable and I 'd have my friends here in South Carolina around me . I cleaned Jimmy 's room at night while he worked , and I listened to a lot of music , and I went on walks with Danielle to the grocery store where she 'd buy us something cheap to eat , and I talked to Michael and Danielle when I walked into me and Jimmy 's bedroom to find them having sex on our bed . Michael had the biggest cock I 've ever seen on a white boy . I was free , I walked around with nothing on but a t - shirt sometimes , when Danielle came into the room this didn 't change . We smoked hookah in the living room and in the bedroom floor . Jimmy and I fooled around and he made me come while we were sitting behind Danielle and Michael on the bed and they never noticed a thing , though I told them about it afterward . They watched him jerk me off in the living room after we all smoked hookah together . I 'd go an visit Melanie in her room , though I know now she didn 't like me and she was mostly giving me courtesy responses and talking to me just because I was talking to her . She apparently had done a lot of drugs and had a lot and knew how to make some , she and Jimmy had their own pot that they made but they never made it when I was there , probably because they didn 't have the money to . Danielle and Michael got high on some kind of over - the - counter weed they got from a smokeshop and Danielle was really annoying when she was high , she thought everything was hilarious and liked to say " I can 't handle it ! I can 't handle it ! " at everything . But I was so happy . I was taken care of , even if we were barely eating . And I had a boy coming home to me every night , and laying in bed beside me . When I went to sleep I knew that he would be there soon , and I would hold him . My mom had told me I could come back . I think it was the lack of food that finally broke her . She has a heart , and she has a lot of compassion in her , though my experience with her and my perception of that experience would make it hard to believe sometimes . She 's not a bad person whatsoever , she 's a loving person , and she 's always loved me , and she wanted me to come home , she missed me and she didn 't want me to starve anymore . I told her that I wasn 't coming home at first , but then Jimmy said that I should . We spent the night crying . He was crying because he was under so much pressure to take care of us and he hated asking his parents for help , I was crying because I was always emotionally unstable , but now here I was starving and withdrawing from the medication that had taken me out of a hopeless void of anxiety and allowed me to live my life again . And I didn 't want to leave him . We said that we loved each other , but I don 't know that what it was was love . Like with the state of our relationship , it was something else , something of it 's own that didn 't need naming , it just happened , and that was how it was with us . The next morning I was still upset . I didn 't want to go . He went to work , and that night he sent me a message on Facebook saying that I shouldn 't go , and that I should stay . I don 't remember if I 'd already told my mother I was coming home , but it didn 't cause a problem either way that I stayed with Jimmy . Things continued on as they had , but not for much longer . Probably weeks , or a month , later , I don 't really remember , me going home was brought up again . I 'd had two job interviews and I hadn 't gotten either job ; Jimmy had been given a job at a BMW manufacturing plant on an assembly line . This was , apparently , his dream job . When I 'd asked him about his dream he said that working in a factory and making a lot of money was his dream . So I guess he 'd achieved it . My dreams of course were much bigger , or at least different , and special , even if his were special to him , I wanted to be a musician on stage , and he wanted to work in a factory and have a stable life . My goal has never been stability , it 's been abandon and love . Since there would be a delay in the time Jimmy got his last paycheck from McDonalds and his first paycheck from BMW , we weren 't going to have money for about a month . Incidentally , Jimmy 's parents had never known that the money they were giving him for food was going to support me as well . He could make it for a month on his own , but not with me needing to eat too . So , since I 'd told my mother already I 'd come home for a week to see the doctor and get my medicine back , Danielle suggested I go home for a month , and come back when Jimmy got paid at BMW . Since he 'd making a lot more money , we wouldn 't have to worry about starving anymore , and I could comfortably continue looking for a job . But that night at work Jimmy sent me a message on Facebook saying I should go home permanently . We could have some space from another , because moving in together so fast ( we 'd known each other for between a week and two weeks when we moved in together ) had been a strain on the relationship for both of us , and I 'd be provided for , and he wouldn 't have to worry about taking care of me and relying on his parents to help support us . I listened to the song Sunday Afternoon by Rachael Yamagata while I packed my stuff that night . When he got home I sat on the end of his bed and cried , but I don 't think I cried as hard as I had the first time he 'd decided I should go home , because I wanted to go . And I knew that this adventure with Jimmy couldn 't last forever . More than anything I was looking forward to eating . And in my heart I probably knew it was time for this silly relationship to come to an end . We discussed breaking up . We both wanted to , but we weren 't going to do it , we were going to give it time . He was still going to come and see me like he 'd done before , and maybe I could come up and visit for a while , and we could have space from one another that we needed . But we probably both knew it was over . He avoided me most of the day , I kept trying to kiss him , to be affectionate to him , but he didn 't seem interested . He didn 't even seem to want to talk to me . I think we both really wanted me to go . My mother 's boyfriend came through South Carolina on his way back from his job in Georgia and he took me home to North Carolina with him . Nathan and the person he 'd been dating , Robert , an underage high - schooler Nathan had presumably met online , were looking to have a threesome , and since Nathan and I were experienced in that , they 'd offered me a chance while I was in South Carolina . I even admitted to Jimmy that I really wanted to , when they offered it . Jimmy , understandably , had nothing but negative feelings toward Nathan , both because I 'd told Jimmy about my past relationship with him and because I still hadn 't gotten over him . I knew on the way home I was going to have sex with the two of them . I was home for about an hour before I called Nathan . I don 't even remember if I ate when I got there . I 'd been yearning for a chance to be close to Nathan again . I think as some effort to try and keep myself from cheating on Jimmy , I 'd called him before I called Nathan , but we didn 't say much because he was working . Nathan and Robert came and picked me up , and we went to Nathan 's father 's house , where he lived . I felt terribly guilty . I knew during our dinner on the patio , in this familiar place that I loved , that I was wrong for being here , that I was going to cheat on Jimmy . And at some point I went into the batrhoom and prayed . I prayed that I could be removed from this situation , that I wouldn 't cheat on Jimmy . And it 's perhaps the only time I ever got an answer when I was praying , because I answered myself immediately , with perfect clarity . I understood that if I were going to cheat on Jimmy , it was my decision , and I did it willingly , and no one but me could change anything about it . I wasn 't going to be lifted out of the house and plopped back in my mother 's front yard where I 'd been standing when Nathan arrived to bring me over . If I cheated on Jimmy , it was wholly my responsibility , because no one was forcing it on me , and honestly I 'd been the one already bringing it up to Nathan and Robert . And so , when I laid on top of Nathan and made out with him , and then moved between his legs and slipped his familiar cock into my mouth , I was making the decision . I didn 't value my relationship with Jimmy , which had all but come to an end anyway . I explored Robert too . He had a huge cock and an extremely small , but tight , ass . I 'd ran my tongue along his asshole , I 'd held his cock in my mouth , and when he went to leave the room to go and clean himself up before we had sex , I stopped him and fell to my knees and sucked him , and he jammed his cock into my mouth with extreme force , repeatedly , and made me gag and choke and cry , and it was so thrilling and satisfying , and when he pulled his cock out of my mouth , I had an open smile , my eyes sparkling with joy , precum and saliva running down my chin and from my lips , his smells and tastes in my mouth and on my face . When Robert left the room , things became a little more real because now I had to wait to have sex , and the passion of the moment was put on hold , and the guilt got to me before I could finish , or even begin , having sex with them . I tried to make out with Nathan some more , but I was cheating on Jimmy and I needed to admit it to him and ask for his forgiveness , and so I told Nathan I couldn 't go through with it , and Nathan calmly nodded and said that that was fine . When Robert came back in the room , Nathan told him I 'd decided not to go through with the threesome , and they were both totally fine with it . I tried calling Jimmy , but when he answered he was at work at McDonalds and didn 't have time , nor was he in the right place , for me to tell him what happened . I was there , in that familiar bathroom of Nathan 's house , and my dream in South Carolina was over , and my relationship with Jimmy came to the fitting end I knew it would . Not fitting because Jimmy deserved to be cheated on , but it deserved to end because it was entered into without a spark of real love . Nathan and I had had some kind of awful , dysfunctional love , and it had been wrong too . I 'd never known what it was to be in real love with someone , though love is incidental and personal and without rules and limits , so in a way I had loved Nathan , but it was time for my adventure with Jimmy to be over . I 'd left South Carolina as quickly as I 'd come , and I 'd come in a different world that was the same old one I 'd started in , and the hope and magic of living with Kim and Eileen was over and the hope and magic of being with Jimmy and Danielle in South Carolina was over . I was back in my mother 's house and in her world and in the world I 'd lived before , though I 'd experienced another place , another type of life , and a happiness that would soon begin slipping away to live there in it 's protected memory of South Carolina . When I couldn 't get it out to him over the phone , I sent him a message on Facebook . He responded with anger and fury and called me a cheater and said that sending me to move back with my mother ( I almost wrote " with Nathan , " that 's extremely fitting in many ways ) was a test and that I 'd failed . He 'd known I would go right to Nathan and that was just what I did . The fact that according to him , he 'd been playing games with me and testing me by sending me back ( though in truth it was because he couldn 't handle the strained , close - quarters relationship anymore , and as I learned later on , Melanie and Danielle had told him he had to make me leave or they would make him leave ) , made me feel a little less guilty , and like I had some leverage in the argument . I may have cheated , but he was asking for it by playing games with me . Of course , I deserved to be broken up with , despite the circumstances , because I broke Jimmy 's trust when I cheated on him , and I didn 't even have the decency to break up with him before running straight to Nathan and Robert . I cried , but after the messaging with Jimmy I felt relieved , because it was over , and Nathan and Robert consoled me a little , and I 'd decide that since it was over I could , with no guilt , finish what I 'd started . To be honest , I don 't remember what happened . I know I went back to sucking Robert 's cock , and I 'm sure he came , and I remember him jerking me off , but that part is kind of a blur . I was finishing the dirty work I 'd come here to do , and I was satisfied , and my relationship with Jimmy was over , and I listened to Tori Amos and went to sleep . @ kathygriffin I 'm always on your side , gurl . Stay strong . jessecoltonblog . wordpress . com / 2017 / 06 / 02 / in - … 3 weeks ago |
Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . This contest is open to all wf . org members , newbies and the established alike . Please post your entries as replies to this post . At the deadline I will collate all entries and put them forward for voting in a separate thread . The winning entry will be stickied until the next competition winner . Unfortunately , there is no prize but pride on offer for this contest . As always , the winner may also PM / VM me to request the theme of a subsequent contest if he / she wishes . Themes : " Barely Legal " ( courtesy of neuropsychopharm ) . Any interpretation is valid . Entries do not have to follow the themes explicitly , but off - topic entries may not be entered into the voting . There is a 10 % word - limit leniency at both ends of the scale . Please try to stick within the limit . As below , any piece outside of the suggested limit may not be entered into the voting . A story entered into the contest may not be one that has been posted anywhere on the internet , not just anywhere on this site . A story be posted for review until voting has closed . Only one entry per contest per contestant is permissable . Members may also not repost a story anywhere , or bring attention to the contest in any way , until the voting has closed Please try to refrain from itallicising , bolding , colouring or indenting any text to help avoid disappointment . These stylistics do not reproduce when I copy - paste them into the voting thread . You may use visible noparse BB code to preserve style if you wish by placing [ noparse ] and [ / noparse ] ( without the spaces ) around the entire text . I knew it was going to be a rough night . It was already twenty degrees below zero and the wind was predicted to kick up by nightfall bringing the wind - chill temperature down to a deadly forty to fifty degrees below zero . The train ride on the south - bound Red Line from my apartment to the Lawrence Avenue stop was only fifteen or twenty minutes . I hoped it would be enough time to calm my nerves before the madness begun . ' All these freezing people ' I thought as I peered through foggy windows , where are we going to put them all ? Sixty - five men were all I could take , but there would be more than that . There would be a lot of men who would get turned away . The shelter had strict rules about how many men I could bring in . The recorded voice came over the train 's speakers , " Lawrence Avenue is next . Lawrence . Doors open on the right for Lawrence Avenue . " ' Here we go ' , I said to myself as I hopped off the train and made my way out of the station . I didn 't have to look up the street to see the scene in front of the old Preston Bradley Building . I 've been running the overnight shelter three nights a week for almost five years and I knew exactly what to expect . I knew exactly who to expect , too . In fact I knew almost every one of them by name . The ragtag homeless men of Uptown Chicago ; over the years they had become like family to me and taking care of them was serious business . Some of them were old alcoholics , some were young drug addicts . Half of them were little gang bangers , ' Gangster Disciples ' , ' Vice Lords ' and a myriad others . This was a dangerous part of town but I could walk the streets day or night without worry . I was ' okay ' they said . But I was more than just ' okay ' to them when the weather turned deadly and they had nowhere else to go . Little Reggie used to say I was a ' Black man locked up in a White man 's body ' . I think he only said that because I fed them better than the other supervisors . Reggie was a good kid , but I think he was a schmooze . He knew I fell for it . More " Can I help tonight ? " a voice blurted out . " Can I volunteer , Don ? " came another . I didn 't say a word . The guys knew I could let a few of them in early if they were willing to help setup the beds , work in the kitchen or get on the clean - up crew , but only if I was no more than a half an hour early . This time I was a full three hours early because of the deadly cold . But it was my boss 's day off so I didn 't figure on seeing him at all . That was my second miscalculation for the night . I reached the door and put my key in the lock . Looking over to the right I saw a young man standing first in line . He was new to the shelter . I could hardly believe he didn 't have a coat . Some of the other guys were sharing their coats with him giving him a few minutes of warmth before taking it back for themselves . " Where 's your coat ? " I asked . " He don 't speak English , Don . He 's from Africa . " " Joe , there 's lots of Africans that speak English . " I said with a half - cocked smile . " Not this one , Don . " " Alright men " I hollered as I pulled at the heavy wooden door , " Line up on the stairs , two rows , one on the left and one on the right . " There were two broad flights of gray marble stairs leading down to the basement separated at the half way point by a large landing . I knew from experience that it was just enough room for sixty - five guests to sit comfortably while I setup my intake table and got everything ready to open the shelter . Mike , my security guard , wouldn 't be here until eight o ' clock so I asked Big Bill to hold the back of the line and keep the guys quiet . Big Bill had been in the shelter since before I began working here . He was on the run from New England where he ' thinks ' he killed a man . He said he didn 't know for sure . One morning he woke up from a black - out drunk full of mud and blood all over his hands and clothes . Later he heard the new of a man who was beaten to death the night before . He was found in the alley behind Bill 's apartment . It was the same alley Bill used to walk through on his way home from his favorite bar . Bill told me the story in confidence one night when he couldn 't sleep . He said he had things on his mind . I never repeated it . He seemed like a nice enough guy , but not one you wanted to anger . And he was good in the shelter ; he took care of things . In my estimation I had about seventy - five men when the last of the guests came through the front door . I told Bill if anyone else knocked on the door to let them in and line them up in the middle of the stairway starting at the bottom . I would have Ken hand out tickets for the lottery . Later , I would pull sixty - five lucky lottery winners . The rest would have to go . Those were the rules . That 's how it worked , usually . As I began making my way down the stairs I spotted Sarge in the crowd . " You cookin ' tonight , Sarge ? " I asked . " You know I am " the reply came like a shot . " What are we having ? " " Tonight we 're having chicken , cornbread , and black - eye peas . " I ordered . The predictable roar of approval came from the group of homeless men . Sarge was good in the kitchen and all the guys loved his cooking . His meals kept everyone quiet and satisfied , and that made me very happy . There were times I felt one of the nicest parts of this job was seeing a basement full of once cold and hungry homeless men now lying on their mats with their belly 's full , snuggling cozy under their warm wool blankets . I usually felt that way until they all fell fast asleep and began snoring . I got the rest of my volunteers , ten in all , and had the shelter setup . Now it was time to run the lottery and put the losers out . I had seventy - seven men in total . Twelve of the men had to go . They were twelve long , sad faces looking back at me as I explained to the men what to do and where to go to look for shelter . I knew everyone of them except for the new kid , ' The African ' as Joe called him , the one without a coat . They knew I had no choice . The Fire Department regulation hanging on the wall clearly stated my capacity was 65 . It was also in our contract with the Department of Human Services . If we went over our limit we could be shut down . But I knew as well as they did there was nowhere left to go . The hospital used to allow the homeless to sit in the emergency waiting room until the Department of Human Services came to pick them up . But the hospital changed their policy when the crowds grew so large they couldn 't hold them any longer . The Department of Human Services wasn 't going to be any help tonight , either . Their system is overtaxed as it is , and on a night like tonight it was going to be impossible for them to find a shelter with any room . These men , I though , are going to leave here and look for the nearest garbage dumpster to crawl into . And they 'll probably die just like that old man who froze to death ten years ago in a dumpster just up the street . That was the whole reason we started this shelter . The community came together to open this space to the homeless and make sure nobody ever again froze to death in their neighborhood . That 's who we are , I thought . That 's what we do . So I began to calculate again . The old basement used to serve as a church and a small theatre . There was a stage on one end of the room and I thought I could fit twelve guys on it . I only had five extra mats , but we just got a shipment of new blankets so I would double them up for the guys who didn 't get a mat . " Alright you guys " I said " we 're going to run another lottery . This time for the five mats . " Eleven of the guys thanked me repeatedly . The African only looked at me , but I could see relief in his face . I suppose if he didn 't understand English he knew by the sound of the others he was going to catch a break . I told Sarge we were going to have extra guests and to make enough dinner for seventy - seven . He stared at me with a look that said ' are you kidding ? ' I looked back as if to say I only wish I were . 10 : 30 PM - Everyone ate , showered , and tucked themselves comfortably under their blankets for a warm safe night . I told Sarge to leave the ovens on for a little extra warmth as I snuggled up in the kitchen watching David Letterman on an old black and white TV with lousy reception . Now the only job I had was to stay awake , keeping watch over my brood until morning . I heard a knock at the back door on the alley side of the building . Making my way up the back stairs I looked out of the small window in the gray steel door and saw a man . He was a black man , I thought , but in the dim light I saw his face was bright red and he had a short beard that was grayish - white in color . When I opened the door the man just looked at me pleading with his eyes for me to let him in . I motioned for him to come in but he was so frozen he couldn 't move . I took him by the arm and helped him up the step and into the building . After I closed the door the man just stood there , violently shaking ; his breathing labored and rough sounding . I stood there with him at the top of the stairs until he was able to walk down into the basement . Putting a chair in front of the ovens I told him to sit and have some coffee . His body shook so badly it was forty - five minutes before he could hold the cup without spilling all over himself . He didn 't say a word for a long time and I just sat there with him , watching . I thought he looked too young to have a white beard , and then I realized his beard was that color because it was frozen . His hair was the same way . And I noticed what looked like a few frozen tears under his eyes . After an hour , or so , the man finally recovered enough to have some coffee . The first words he spoke were simply ' thank you ' . Then there was another knock at the back door . Well , to keep a short story short , I 'll just say this . That night there were eighteen such knocks at the back door . The basement was packed solid with not enough room for one more man . I gathered blankets and started putting men on the back stairs where they " Just great , Geraldo . How are you ? " " How many , Don ? " he said without looking at me . Here we go , I thought . This is going to be interesting . Geraldo really was a cute little fellow , and he spoke with an accent that was just delightful . But he didn 't budge when it came to the rules . He couldn 't . He had to report to the iron fist of the Executive Director and he was afraid of her . The Executive Director was an ex Sister of Mercy and a Bull Dyke by her own description . If she was your friend , she was the best friend you could ever have . But if you broke the rules , you were screwed . " Well I have sixty - five men , Geraldo , plus a few . . . extra . " " I can 't do that , Geraldo . Its six hours until the soup kitchens open , and its forty degrees below zero . All the other shelters are filled to capacity . They 'll die if I send them away . " " You must call the DHS . " " I 've been on the phone with the DHS all night long , Geraldo . They 're begging me to take more . " " This is illegal , Don . " Geraldo shook at his own words . " It 's not illegal , Geraldo . Well , maybe just a little . But it 's more legal than turning them out to die . You know , it 's kind of like … barely legal . " " You 're not a very good lawyer , Don . And I don 't think you understand the meaning of ' barely legal . ' But we won 't discuss that now . " By this time I began to get hot . I 'm over here working my tail off trying to save the lives of societies least desirable human beings and I have this little chipmunk of a man telling me I don 't understand the meaning of ' barely legal ' . " I know exactly what ' barely legal ' means , Geraldo . It means exactly whatever I want it to mean . So what if it 's illegal . Do you want me to call the fire department , tell them I 'm twenty over the limit and to please send a truck to pick these guys up ? " Geraldo hung his shaking head low , and let out a sigh . " Don , I 'm going home now . I 'm tired , and I have a headache . What are you going to tell the DHS when they call in the morning for your numbers ? " " He 's eighteen , Geraldo . Don 't worry , I know we 're not a children 's shelter . I 'm not breaking the law again . " " Don , according to his I . D . , when did he turn eighteen ? " " Midnight " I answered . " He turned eighteen at midnight , tonight . " Geraldo stood there looking at me without speaking for an uncomfortably long time . Then he turned and walked to the kitchen door . Picking up his hand to push the door open he glanced back at me for only a second before looking away again , and he let out a little squeak . " Good night , Don . " Their room had a gorgeous view of the ocean off of the balcony . The white trim glass doors were open as if to invite the serenity permeating the space . The ocean breeze flowed into the hotel room . The wind made the air dance around them . The sweet smell of fresh oxygen invaded their lungs and nostrils . With each breath , they were inhaling life . He stood their holding her hands in his . He stared into the endless pool that were her eyes . Her light and beautiful hair lifted with the wind . The pure light from the sunset reflected off the individual strands . Earlier in the day , he became married to the greatest treasure on this planet . The warm breeze caused goose bumps on her skin . Her love for this man overflowed like a river into a waterfall . In spite of her flaws , nay , because of them , he accepted and was enamored with her . She could hear the sound of the waves as they crashed on the beach again and again . The sound of his steady breath made her heart race . She let go of his hands and traced her fingers up his arms . She reached her arms around and embraced him . His body against hers made her feel safe . Joy surged through her being . The thoughts of society and people escaped them . People looked down on this couple . He was 24 and she was now 18 . Today was her birthday . He met her 3 years ago while she was still a sophomore in high school . The instance he saw her , their souls connected forever more . He spoke with eloquence and grace . They had enduring conversations seeded with intelligence and passion . Regardless of how " wrong " their relationship was , he began to pursue her . The road to having her would cause him much heart ache and trouble . He strove to become the best he could be . He moved up within his work and finished college . Her family spent a lot of time with him and he gained their respect and love . Still , his friends and family called him foolish . They would even suggest that she wasn 't worth it and he could find better . However , their words would not sway him . He would make her his precious wife . He was aware of the fact she could not see . He found that to be one of the most fascinating aspects of her . He loved how she would describe life by how things felt , sound and smelled . When they kissed , their souls would connect . Even when they hugged , it meant something different to her . She lived life in more beautiful ways than those with sight do . In the absence of vision , she was forced to utilize her brain and other senses more . He thought that she was brilliant . She did not see her blindness as a handicap . Rather , she saw it as a tool to become stronger . The two began to discover more about each other , and she fell in love with who he was as well . She adored him for his intelligence and heart . He had lofty aspirations . His motivation seemed endless . When this man had a goal , he would go to great lengths to achieve it . He amazed her with his words . She felt like she was on top of the world when she spoke with him . He praised her . Other people looked down on her or avoided her due to her lack of sight . The kids in her school would make fun of her ; not him though . No , he would lift her up with encouraging words . She felt the compassion when he spoke . The moment he asked her to marry him , she longed for this very night . They embraced each other and cherished the moment . Both of them waited , for what felt like ages , for their honeymoon . They had dreamed of the moment when they could declare to the world their love . Now , the time had come ; the moment where they would become most connected . She had requested he close his eyes . She wanted him to feel the moment as she did . He put on a blind fold so he would not be tempted to open them . They both trembled with anticipation , as neither of them had experienced this before . They waited for each other for tonight . They made love with each other in unimaginable ways . He would not forget this night for the rest of his life . The night that he became blind and felt the world for the first time . I stared at the blank screen . The small black cursor blinked in perfect timing . I sang a Tom Petty song in my head to the beat of the blinking cursor . I was about to grab a couple pens for a drum solo when my wife walked in . " Barely legal ? Sounds like a porno . " I laughed and looked up at her . She kissed my forehead . " I 'm sure you 'll think of something . You always do . " " I know . I 'm just having a difficult time deciding on what to write about . " I said , spinning around in my chair . She sat on my lap . " Call it ' Jason and Stephenie Write a Story ' ! " I thought about this and looked back at her . She was beside herself with excitement . She was adorable . " You 're still missing something , " I said . " You and I writing a story is not a plot , it 's a sequence of events . There needs to be motive . There needs to be a ' why ' . Besides , you and I writing a story doesn 't fit the theme . It would be disqualified . " " So , it would be kind of like an illegal entry ? " I could see where this was going . I slowly nodded my head . " Kind of , yeah , " I said . " But you can 't make a story ' barely ' fit the theme . " It 's two in the morning and the house is quiet . Unable to sleep I pad into the kitchen and open the fridge . I hadn 't had the chance to clean it out earlier today . I start pulling out the left over containers and re - organizing the fruits and vegetables . I am wiping down the last shelf when my employer sneaks up on me . " A little , " I confess " but he calmed quickly enough when I starting singing to him , " I reassure him " he 's been asleep for hours now . I just couldn 't sleep . " I finish lamely . " I guess so , " my voice quakes a little . I feel uncomfortable with him , in such a state of déshabille , and at such close proximity . Never before in all of nineteen years had I been so up close and personal with the opposite sex . For a man in his late twenties , or is it early thirties , Kristopher Beck is hot , hot , hot . Six foot two of knotted muscles and tan skin . With sandy brown hair and eyes as clear as the sky and perfect white teeth beaming at you with each smile , it 's no wonder my heart is still racing . His sculpted abs are in perfect display above the loose knot of the cotton white towel . Which , but the way stops in the middle of his precision cut quadriceps . Water droplets shine on his skin . My body grows hot . My breath feels heavy in my lungs . I feel my nipples harden against the build - in bra of my spaghetti strap tank top . My cheeks flush pink . God , I hope he didn 't see that . I turn my body inside the fridge and pull out some ham and rye bread . Kristopher steps closer to me and reaches for the loaf of bread and container of ham . He deftly takes them out my hands and drops them on the counter . His body is so close to mine I can smell the soap and shampoo on him , like spring rain fresh and earthy tones dance in my nostrils . The minty toothpaste on his breath makes my mouth water . " Nina , if I were to tell you that the only thing I am hungry for is you . How would that make you feel ? " His voice is low and husky . It plays havoc on my senses . Leaves me breathless . Voice less . My eyes grow large and round . My nostrils flare . My body trembles . " Has a man ever tasted you , " he continues as his fingers reach out and glide over my tank straps and move on down " here , " he whisper as his digit tip brushes my lengthened nipples . My insides feel like molten lava everywhere his fingers touched . I shake my head from side to side . The burning lava is spreading lower and lower as his fingers skim my rib cage dips down past my belly button " how about here , " he rasps as his fingers cup my mound . No air is coming in my lungs . The blood in my veins turns to a fiery sludge . This time I am not even able to shake my head from side to side . I am lost in the feelings of his fingers circling my clit through the thin material of my pyjama bottoms - under which I have no underwear . And his other hand as come up to cup my breasts and tease my nipples through my silky tank . The moment his lips capture my mine I feel an explosion inside of me , like a gate way as been open and the flood building behind it is now free to unleash its power . My breathing grows rapid and heavy . Every cell in my body ignites with the force of the eruption and I feel it coursing through me full speed ahead . His mouth travels down the length of my throat . Licking sucking my over hot skin . My back arches , pushing my breast towards the eagerly searching mouth . He takes the hint and pops a silk covered nipple between his lips . Even through the thin material the sensation of his hot breath and hotter tongue is incredible . I feel his fingers travelling up my arms and slip under the straps . He pulls them down exposing my creamy breast and peachy nipples . His mouth releases the clothed nipple and captures the naked one . " God , Nina , you are so responsive to my touch . This is such a turn on to see you like this . Puffy lips , puffier nipples , wet cunt . The smell of your sex , " he takes a second to breathe deeply in " rich sweet musk is intoxicating . I want to taste it . " With that he drops to his knees , pulls down my baggy bottoms and exposes my juice slick lips . " So beautiful , " he says before his tongue starts licking my labia . " So tasty , sweet and tangy , " he purrs and continues to lap up my oozing cream . His tongue pushes my inner lips open and dips inside . My fingers dig in his hair . My hips buck on his face as his tongue goes in deeper . Licking my inner walls , twirling my juices round and round and swallowing . His lips find my hard swollen clit and latch at it . Sucking it deep . My fingers pull on his hair and push his face further inside my open pussy lips . My pelvis tilts forward at the same time giving him more of me to lick and suck and slurp . He doesn 't disappoint me . His tongue his like a branding iron claiming me as his . His fingers move slowly up and down my lips and find my entrance . One slips inside . He moves it slowly in and out . His tongue flicks my clit to and fro . My hips undulate , gyrate to a primal rhythm and I feel the surge of lava coursing though me again . I buck and trash against him as the flood comes like white rapids cresting , peeking , oh god , I come hard and fast on his tongue and fingers . This makes me brave enough to admit what I 've known for quite some time " Kristopher , " I search his eyes , in nearly a year of working for this man , this is the first time I use his given name . The brightness in them tells me how happy he is that I address him as such . " Kristopher , " I say again " I want you too . " That 's all he needs to hear . His lips crash down on mine . His hands skim down my spine and squeeze my ass and lift me up . He doesn 't need to tell me he 'll be gentle . His slow sensuous movements and sensitive touch on my skins tells me everything I need to know . His kiss is soft and tender . He lowers me down his erection . Kissing me , messaging my breasts , teasing my clitoris as he keeps pushing me down on him . When his bulbous head pierces my hymen my body stiffens in his embrace . He deepens our kiss ; plays with my nipples and clit until he feels me relaxing again . " God , Nina , you feel so good , hot , wet and so incredibly tight . I want to ride you like this forever , " he groans as his cock moves languidly in and out . His mouth kisses my lips , my chin , my throat , the vein erratically pulsing under my ear lobe , which makes my muscles constrict around his girth . He pumps inside of me faster . Slapping his balls against my ass . Reaching deeper inside of me with each savage thrust . I feel my blood turn to fiery sludge . I feel the air in my lungs grow heavy . I feel my stomach knot and explode . White fire rages through me . I arch my back , slam my hips down on his upward thrusts and clamp my muscles around his erection milking him to the last drop . Hot thick come , mine , his , slides out of my overfilled pussy . His lips claim mine in another slow tender kiss . His fingers dip in my long curls . We break apart breathless . " I 've wanted you for so long , I can 't let you go now that I 've tasted you , " he searches my face to make sure I understand what he means . " Kristopher , I 've wanted you for so long as well , I was afraid to let you know . I didn 't want to overstep . I know you loved Claire I didn 't want to take her memory away from you . " " Oh Nina , Claire will always be a part of me . She 's given me Andrew . It wasn 't easy after her death . When you came to live with us things got better . You were able to give Andrew what I couldn 't through my grief . In time the grief lessened and now I am able to enjoy the time I spend with my son . I no longer resent him for taking her away from me . The doctors did all they could to save them both after the car crash … " his voice trails off . I lean forward and kiss him . " I don 't see why not . You are nineteen . Have been for three months . The fact that I am dozen years older , well if you don 't have a problem with that , and I don 't have a problem with it , I don 't see why we couldn 't make it work . Does it bother you that I am thirty one ? " " Not a lick , " I answer honestly . " Then we are good . Now I am taking you to bed . I want to make love to you again . " The scene was a complete stereotype , in pretty much every fashion . It was the middle of the night , it was raining and it was a dark back ally in a sprawling city , all you could really hear was a distant bit of jazz music , cats making a mess of some trash cans and the occasion footsteps as people made their way with their eyes fixed on the ground less they look somewhere that they shouldn 't It wasn 't the nicest of areas , the kind of area a man could get mugged and stabbed and nobody would even dare to offer any help . This night brought something new , like most did . A Tall dark man by the name of Isaac was strolling the pavement , he was clad in a long trench coat and wore a trilby at just the right angle to hide his face in the shadows . He was walking with the pace of someone who had somewhere to be , somewhere important . He had come to the Alleyway with something in mind . There was a single door with a small Chinese man standing outside , as Isaac approached , the man slid a hand into his pocket and rested it on the handle of his revolver . Isaac noted the movement and raised his hands gently and approached him . " I sure wish the flowers would bloom like in my home town " he said in a hushed voice . The Man nodded and opened the door , allowing him to step inside . The door closed with a thump behind him and he took in his new surroundings , the room was well sized but hardly in the greatest conditions , set in the middle was a large bed , its cover 's looked brand new and probably just been changed , the carpet however was a mess of stains of all sorts and the various storage cases around the room described different toys and items . On the far side of the room was a bathroom door , almost by queue though - or more routine , there was a flushing sound and the young girl from the picture came out of the room . He could see the glimmer of despair in her eyes before she forced on the fake smile and made her way over to him . In the studio 's dressing room , Lisa dressed herself in jeans , a red shirt , and a jacket . She put on a pair of sunglasses and tucked her blond hair underneath her sports cap . When she exited the studio , many crowds of people strolled past her ; too many for her liking , however , she walked with a group . Despite her dislike , she believed there was safety in numbers . Lisa looked at the subway station , which was far from her , when her phone vibrated in her pocket . She entered a store . When she passed the counter , the store 's owner stared at her large breasts , but Lisa averted his gaze . She kept her back to him while she pretended to browse through the chips and pastries . Afterward , she walked behind a rack of paper towels , and took out her cellphone . It vibrated against her palm , and the word ' Dad ' was on the screen . She answered it . " How you been ? I thought you forgot about me , " said her father , who was letting the phone rest on his shoulder as he placed a brown package on his bed . Lisa laughed . " I 've been busy ! My classes are hard , especially lab . My professor gave the class some powder and I have to find out what it is . " " Wow , things sure have changed . When I was in college , I was a protester . You 're never getting drafted because of me ! " They laughed together . Afterward , there was silence on the line , until Lisa 's father said " You sure you don 't need help ? " " Eight - fifty an hour and I do it every weekday . " Lisa 's father told her to stay on the phone . He went to Lisa 's room , and picked up her calculator which was on her nightstand . He calculated the amount she made in a week . Lisa wondered if her father hanged up , but heard his voice again . " Yes , I am , " said Lisa . She picked up a bag of cookies , and put it down . " Alright , I love you . If you need help , just let me know . " " Love you too . Bye dad . " Lisa hanged up and slid the phone into her pocket . Her dad dialed a number on his phone . He waited for the dial tone . In a feminine voice , he heard " Hi honey . How are you ? " The woman cursed . " If only she was smarter , a scholarship would have been good , " she said . " Come on . Don 't talk like that . You 're her mother . " She sighed . " You 're right , but what if she has to pay back loans ? " Lisa 's father put the phone on the charger , and entered his room . He locked the door and unzipped his pants . He sat on his bed , and opened the package . There was a magazine inside , and he was looking at its back cover , which showed the back of a blond woman dressed in a nurse 's outfit . He flipped it to the front cover like a pancake . The same woman is on the front . Her index finger was against her lush lips , she had large breasts , and her panties were slightly exposed . Lisa 's father threw the magazine . It slammed against the wall and landed on the floor . That became his last issue of Barely Legal . |
I did some checking this morning and found that I have been blogging for six years . It just doesn 't seem that long . I hope that my writing has gotten better . At least , I have been expressing my thoughts much more freely lately . I started thinking this evening about my school , St . Sylvester 's in Brooklyn . Unfortunately , that school has now closed . That school had thick metal doors , probably brass . I suspect the doors were kept locked , and could only be opened from the inside . There were no classrooms on the first floor . The principal 's office , the nurse 's office and two 1st grade classrooms were on the second floor and the higher grades on the third and fourth floors . The classroom doors were wood and I think the top half had glass , but six small panes . The school was built in the mid ' 30 's . It 's too bad that so many new schools are not built the same way . There are too many windows in the doors , it 's so easy to break the glass and open the door . The classrooms for the younger children are right on the first floor , street level . That makes it so easy for the children to be victimized . I see now how safe and lucky we were to have been children in such a time . No one could have broken in . If they had , there would have been enough noise and warning for the children and staff on the upper floors . Maybe , in the future , schools will be built like mine was . By building up and not sprawling , they also take up less room . Last week our community had its annual trip into NYC to see the Christmas lights and have a nice dinner in Little Italy . It was a wonderful trip . There 's nothing like New York at any time , but particularly at Christmas . We drove past the Rockefeller Center tree twice . We couldn 't stop and get off , but we did stop later at Lord & Taylor . Their windows are always beautiful . We saw all the stores along Fifth Avenue from the comfort of our bus . We also stopped at the Time Warner Building to see their colored stars . The show wasn 't as good as previous years , so I did some shopping . I made the mistake of wandering into the Godiva shop . Did you know they have a chocolate of the month club ? If you join , you are eligible to receive one free piece of chocolate every month . That 's just what I need . Of course , not being one to pass up a free piece of chocolate , I joined . Unfortunately , I couldn 't stop with one piece , and I guess that 's how they get you . I had to buy a small box and a salted caramel chocolate bar . If you 've never had salted caramels , you don 't know what you 're missing . They are delicious . I 'm bragging now . I haven 't had any of the chocolate I bought . I think that will change tonight . The one good thing about Godiva chocolate is that it is so good that you take the time to savor each piece . I usually try to eat only one piece a day . I once worked for a man who would give me a box of Godiva chocolates each Christmas . I savored each piece and the box lasted the whole Christmas season . Now I have to buy my own chocolate . Today I decided to make a contribution . I went to the local Target store and started looking around . I love shopping for toys , I guess it brings back memories of when my boys were children . What I found is most distressing , but not surprising . Practically everything I looked at was made in China , even such American icons as Barbie , Fisher Price , Playskool and Disney . I don 't want to support another country , particularly a communist country , when we are in such bad shape . Finally , I found some jigsaw puzzles that were made in the USA . There were some Lego sets that are made in Europe . I also checked out the Matchbox and Hot Wheels . They 're made in Thailand , but at least it 's not China . It 's time to start decorating for Christmas . Christmas is my favorite time of year , I love the decorations . I enjoy it so much that just about every room in the house has some kind of decoration . It 's time to bring the tree in from the garage . It 's not a real tree , it 's a real artificial tree and looks great when it 's set up . I 'd really love to have a real tree , but with Burnie . . . He 'd probably climb the tree . I once had a cat who loved to climb the artificial tree . Thankfully I had an early warning system , a glass bell that jingled everytime the tree moved . But I digress . About the procrastination . First , I had to check my emails , then do some finishing work on our paper , then send emails for additional information , . I just had a thought . The lottery is expected to be 425 million dollars this week . What would I do with about $ 200 million after taxes ? I think , one thing would be to hire someone to bring the Christmas tree into the house and set it up . Well , enough fantasizing , it 's time to start work . The tree won 't walk into the house by itself . But first , maybe I 'll have another cup of coffee . Now that the election is over and the president has another four years , the chefs in the Labor Department have come out with more accurate first time unemployment numbers . Isn 't it strange that first time claims are now 439 , 000 , up from the rosy figures we were given the past few weeks ( before the election ) . Last week they were 361 , 000 . The only damage was to the truth . This information should have been released to the public immediately . This is another case of the president covering up what should have been public knowledge in order to help his campaign . I love snow . I get very excited when it snows . It 's snowing now , and sticking to the grassy areas around the house . But , I must be mellowing in my old age . I can 't get excited about it . All I can think about are all the people still without power and heat since last week . I 've heard reports that it can take up to another week to months to fully restore gas and electric to the affected areas . It 's a sad day for America . The " Gimme Generation " has won . Now there will be handouts for everyone who does not feel the need to work and produce for society . Now that the election is over , I wonder if the president will finally give us the answers we deserve on a number of events . I 'm talking about the Benghazi attack on September 11 , Fast and Furious gunrunning . Will he be willing to at least speak with the Republicans ? Will the Ft . Hood massacre finally be classified as the terrorist attack that it was and not workplace violence so that our brave military can receive the benefits they deserve ? I have many more questions , but that 's enough for today . On Saturday , a friend called me to let me know about a gas station that was open , although it had a long line . She had waited about 1 / 2 hour , but was able to fill up . The next day I set out to fill my tank , especially since I heard we may get another storm on Wednesday . I lucked out , only had to wait 15 minutes . It reminded me of the 70 's when we had much longer waits for gas . We also had the odd / even rationing . We made it through then , and we 'll make it through now . It also reminded me of my , then , 3 year old son 's favorite game . After hearing about the lines from us and the TV , he would line up his cars and trucks and play " gas line " . Who says TV doesn 't influence children ? The people in those areas have lost so much to Sandy . What was not flooded and destroyed by the ocean were burned to the ground . I don 't know about loss of life in this area , I do know that most of the residents followed the evacuation orders . The Woodhaven Residents Block Association has made numerous trips to the affected areas with these donations . This all - volunteer organization is still collecting food , warm clothing , blankets , etc . They didn 't wait for the government ( taxpayers ) to bring those supplies , they just got together and donated whatever they could spare for their neighbors . It 's the American way , neighbors helping neighbors . There is a place for the government in a tragedy like this . They should make sure that everyone is safe , that all downed wires are no longer " live " and that trees and debris are removed to avoid the danger of accidents . They should make sure that power is restored so that the clean - up can be done . They should also make sure that gasoline is available for first responders , cars , private generators and that the local towns have enough gas for the fire engines and police cars . I 've heard that some places have only a 2 day reserve . I saw an interview with a man on Staten Island ( another borough that suffered major destruction ) who lost his restaurant and his home . He ended the interview by expressing his concern and prayers for those who had lost family members . He felt blessed that at least everyone in his family was alive . I was one of the lucky ones . I only lost power for 2 1 / 2 days and experienced no flooding , just some discomfort , but I hear that the surrounding area is devastated . There are so many downed trees that some roads are closed . I just have a few thoughts . I felt that the president was mocking Governor Romney when he spoke about the size of the military saying that we had fewer ships than in years past , but we also have fewer horses . He also said that we have something called aircraft carriers where airplanes can land and take off . I felt that this was uncalled for . It 's not necessary to speak down to , or mock , your opponent to get your point across . I am a little disappointed in Governor Romney . During the discussion about jobs being shipped to China , he should have mentioned that Jeffrey Imelt , the head of GE and also head of the president 's jobs council , has sent one of GE 's divisions ' manufacturing jobs to China . I guess that 's because he didn 't ask my advice . I am glad though that he mentioned Solyndra and two car battery companies that received loans from us and are not producing . That was money wasted . It seems that there has been a delay in some states in getting the absentee ballots to our military in the middle east and other places . In fact , our own department of justice is SUING the state of Ohio because Ohio wants to give our military an extra 3 days to vote . The pentagon has had over 3 years to set up offices in the middle east so that these absentee ballots can be collected and returned home for counting . They have not done so , resulting in some of our military to not have their vote counted . This is so wrong . If anything , the votes of military personnel should be counted before those of civilians . They are out there working to preserve our way of life , including our right to vote and yet , they may lose their vote . The military favors Gov . Romney by a wide margin . Could this be the reason for their not getting their ballots in time to make their vote count ? I hate to think this may be true , but is there any other reason why our own justice department is suing Ohio because Ohio wants to give our military 3 extra days to vote ? The way things are going , I 'm tempted to believe this is true . What do you think ? Now to the comments on parts I missed . It has been said that Biden was smirking and laughing during Paul Ryan 's time to speak . This should not surprise anyone . It seems to be a democrat response . I have seen this many times when Fox News is presenting both sides of a story . The democrat spokesperson laughs at the republican / conservative point of view . This is so offensive , and so common . I am so looking forward to next week 's presidential debate to see how the president will behave . Will he continue the childish behavior of the vice president ? Or will he behave as a mature professional and stick to the facts ? We 'll find out soon . This morning as I was reading the various blogs I follow , Crash came into the room . She was pushing for attention and I couldn 't understand why . She had been fed , had her treats and we had even played the game where I try to pick her up and she runs away . We usually do this several times before I win and pick her up . She had had all this attention . I finally asked her what she wanted and I think she understood me . She got up to leave the room , then looked around to see if I was following her . I decided to follow and see what she was up to . Several times she turned around to see if I was still following . She finally went into the bathroom and sat before her water dish . She looked from me to the dish to the faucet , then back to the dish . I took the hint and gave her fresh water which she promptly drank . I did notice , however , that I really am getting less and less for my money . Last week I found a sale on chunk lite tuna packed in water , which I always buy . The cost was 10 cans for $ 10 . That seemed reasonable , until I picked up a can . It seemed smaller , then I looked more carefully . The net weight used to be 6 oz and a fraction . Now it 's 5 oz . Same price , smaller can . A few months ago , I noticed that there was more water and less tuna in a can . Today I was melting some chocolate wafers to mold into candy . I didn 't get as much as I usually do . I wondered if I had done something wrong until I checked the bag . In the past the bag contained 14 oz . Now it contains 12 oz . The price is the same . I wonder how many other products are being packaged in smaller containers that are made to look like the old size . That 's just dishonest . I really hate being lied to . Whether we realize it or not , inflation is here . Just check the groceries in your pantry . You may be paying the same price you 've always paid , but you 're getting less for your money . During my trip to Seattle last month , my son asked what I wanted to do . I told him I 'd like to take a trip to see Mt . St . Helens . Even though it was a three hour drive each way , he willingly took me . It was a long ride , but seeing all those mountains made it seem to go fast , for me anyway . I wasn 't driving , but he didn 't complain . As we neared the mountain , I kept seeing these white things along the side of the mountain . They looked like tombstones , but I didn 't think they were . As we got closer , I could see that they were the stumps of trees that had been knocked down by the force of the volcano . The first thing we did when we got to the observatory was see a short film of the eruption and its aftermath . And I 'm so glad we did . It was quite informative . When the film was over , the curtains behind the screen opened and this is what we saw , but it looked much closer than this . On the way back we stopped at this little restaurant , the only one we saw on the road . They had a wraparound deck for outdoor dining , but there was no room . We ate inside where I had an elkburger ( my first ) . It was delicious , very moist even though it was not as rare as I like it . For dessert we had cobbler . I had a peach which was also delicious . I 've been watching the news coverage of the riots in Cairo and Libya and am disgusted , not only by the riots , but also by the lame excuses given for this behavior . The CLAIM is that a little known movie about mohammed sparked the " outrage " by members of this religion of peace . This movie has been available for viewing for about six months , but they only became outraged by it on September 11 . Isn 't that interesting ? A few years ago an " artist " had his depiction of our Holy Virgin Mary depicted as a black madonna ( no problem there ) who was surrounded by images from blaxploitation movies and close - ups of femal private parts cut from porn magazines and elephant dung attached to the painting ( big problem there ) had his painting exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum . Catholics protested , but there were no riots and no apologies . We were told this was art to be appreciated . This same Brooklyn Museum had a video depicting ants crawling over the body of a stylized Jesus . Again , no riots and no apologies . It 's just art , freedom of expression . There is a movie being planned which is based on a book Jesus of Nazareth which was written in 2010 . This movie depicts Jesus , not as the son of God , but as a politician who was the product of a rape of Mary by a Roman Soldier . There were no riots about the book and I 'm sure there will be none about the movie . The temperature here has cooled down a bit and I couldn 't be happier . I don 't like the heat of summer . I 've also recently discovered that even though it 's been many , many years since I went to school , I seem to plan my activities around school days . Summer has always seemed to be such an unstructured season . While I loved having my sons home during the summer and enjoyed their company , I was so happy when they returned to school . It meant that everyone got up at the same time , had meals at the same time , etc . Now that I 'm retired , I miss that structure . I still try to get up at the same time each day and have my meals at the same time , but , I find that I don 't accomplish much else during the day . I think I 'm going to have to make a schedule for myself . One day for laundry , one day for shopping and meal planning , etc . There are so many things I want to do - I want to finish my German lessons . I had been very good in the beginning . Everyday at 3 : 00 PM I would sit down and study until at least 4 : 00 PM . I should also schedule an hour of reading every day . There are so many projects I want to do or have done around the house too . We all remember where we were on that day . Since I had gotten into the city early that day , I had to decide whether to look at books in the World Trade Center or try to buy a pair of shoes at the Easy Spirit store a few blocks from the Trade Center . To this day , I thank God that I made the decision to buy shoes . I know that I would have physically survived that day , but I don 't know how I would have gotten through it mentally if I had actually been in the building . Being a few blocks away and then feeling my building on the other side of Manhattan shake when the second plane hit was traumatic enough . I still look up when I hear a low flying plane . Yesterday I mentioned our trip to the Evergreen State Fair and the animals we saw . While we were at the building with the goats , we saw a crowd around these young kids . There was a gate covering an opening in the fence . One of the kids squeezed through the holes in the gate and trapped himself . He couldn 't turn around . I remembered my camera and took these two videos . Hope you enjoy them . Last week I took a trip to Seattle to spend a few days with my son . He 's so good to me , when he met me at the airport , he immediately asked what I wanted to do . There were two things on my list , a trip to Mt . St . Helens and sushi . I 'll cover those another day . This city girl went to her very first state fair , the Evergreen State Fair in Washington . We saw many different animals . The first we saw were the chickens . There are so many varieties , but I only took a picture of one . I guess I was distracted because they are a noisy bunch . Then it was off to the building with the cows . My first question when we entered was , " Are they tethered to something ? " My son assured me they were . I 've seen cows when I 'm driving past their farms and they don 't look that big . They were huge , even if some of them were lying down . Here , two girls were giving a demonstration on grooming your cow . One of the highlights , was the collection of kids . This little one had squeezed through a part of the fence that had a large hole . The area was too narrow and he couldn 't turn around , so he had to keep walking backward . I did get a video and am in the process of uploading it to my computer , so we 'll have that story another day . It all started six years ago on my drive out west . While I was in Missouri and passing through Independence I saw a sign for the Truman Library . I did something very unusual for me . I changed my plans and visited the Library . It was very impressive , a good history lesson . I was quite young during the Truman years and didn 't pay much attention to politics . After the Library , I continued on my way . But something stuck in my mind and I had a new goal . I had to visit all the presidential libraries . Since many of our earlier presidents did not have libraries , I 've added homes to the plan . I was just in time , since they closed the home the following week for two years for renovations and updating of the electrical . This was a simple home , filled with his hunting trophies . There were many animal heads and skins . Theodore Roosevelt is the only president to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor . It was awarded to him posthumously . These are pictures of the sunroom , or what we would now call the family room and living room which was filled with much memorabilia from the White House years . When Ike was at the putting green , Mamie would sit in the family room and watch him . It was a very interesting tour . Eisenhower raised black angus cattle and showed them . He won many blue ribbons and awards . Of course , who would tell the president his cattle wasn 't the best ? I can 't decide where to go next . I 'm leaning toward Hyde Park , FDR 's home . I could combine that with lunch at the Culinary Institute . I have to work out a schedule for future visits . I think a trip to Texas for LBJ and the two Bush 's , then in California I could visit Reagan and Nixon . I guess Mount Vernon ( Washington ) and Monticello ( Jefferson ) would probably be close enough to visit on one trip . The service was very good and very friendly . It took me a while to order since I 'm really not a fast - food fan . I do enjoy a nice juicy burger , but they don 't carry them . I finally ordered a chicken salad sandwich on wheat bread with a side order of carrot raisen salad ( my favorite ) . It was good , but I could probably do a better job at home . The TV lately has been filled with stories about this company . The COO of this company only expressed his personal views on Gay Marriage . As soon as these comments became public , several mayors of major cities came forward and threatened to prohibit or make it difficult for this company to open restaurants in their cities . The one comment that struck me as odd was Rahm Emmanuel . He said that Chick - fil - A 's values were not Chicago 's values and the company would not be welcome in Chicago . All I can say in answer to that is " Thank God " . Chicago does not have a reputation as a very law - abiding town . Today I travelled up to Queens for " the works " . That includes a trim , touch - up and highlighting . Today , it also included a new style since I got tired of the old one . I 've been going to Connie for about 20 years since she rescued me from a gentle home perm which left my hair in a wild mess of tight kinky curls . Connie gave me a good cut and I 've been going to her ever since . I now travel 70 miles each way , but it 's well worth it . Just the other day one of my neighbors complimented me on my hair and wanted to know where I went . When I told her , she decided she liked her own hair . Anyway , Connie and I were talking with another hairdresser , Stella , whose husband owns the shop . When Connie mentioned that her husband is working the 4 to midnight shift , Stella 's eyes lit up with envy . All three of us agreed that that was a wonderful shift . It actually gave us some time on our own to do whatever . It seems that all husbands , no matter their nationality ( Stella 's - Russian , Conie 's - Italian and mine - Irish ) just seem to want their wives to sit with them when they are watching TV . It 's not enough to be in the same room , we have to be doing the same thing - watching TV . Of course , if we wanted company and they wanted to go out or work on a project , they would do what they wanted to do . As I was leaving the shop , two of Connie 's customers came in . They both commented on how wonderful my hair looked . That made me feel good because I needed a change and it was a good one . . I 've never believed people who said that as you get older your metabolism begins to slow down and you gain weight . There were times in my 50s when I was much more active than when I was in my 20s and yet I had trouble keeping my weight down . No , I think ( besides the obvious that you may eat more ) that you gain weight because you 're more efficient . Think about it , you 're older , you 're wiser . You may have more to do , so you plan your time better . Instead of , say filing one piece of paper , you wait until you have several . Then you pull a chair over to your cabinet and file your papers . If you were filing one piece at a time , think of the walking you could be doing . When I lived in Queens , I had a two story house . I did what all the " experts " said to do . Instead of making several trips upstairs to put things away , I stacked them on the stairs and brought a bunch up at once , thereby saving several trips and not burning calories . It 's even worse here with everything on one floor . I empty the trash baskets all at the same time and bring it to the garage all at once . How much more exercise would I get if I emptied one basket at a time and brought it to the garage . I must say they were delicious . I realize that instead of slicing off a bit whenever I passed them , I was able to actually sit down and savor the deliciousness of the chocolate chips . I would take them out of the freezer , let them thaw a little . Then I poured myself a cup of coffee and took the time to really taste them . I just heard a bit of the president 's speech in which he claimed to have cut taxes for the middle class . I don 't know about that , I haven 't seen any tax cut . I did fine one humorous spot . When the president claimed to reduce taxes on the middle class there was silence from the audience . He had to repeat that claim and I guess then the " applause " sign went up . My one question to the Republicans is this . When are you going to counter the president 's claim that we had a surplus during the Clinton administration ? Yes , we did have a surplus then , but that was also a time of Republican controlled congress and the Contract with America which cut costs , including some entitlement programs . They MUST put the emphasis on that . The other day I thought Crash and Burn needed more exercise . One of the problems I have with them when they play is that they spend a lot of time stalking a toy and I don 't have the patience to hold or move a toy for them . While I was picking up some food for them , I saw a toy could be used automatically . All it needed was some batteries and I could set the timer for it to move for up to two hours . Of course , the day I brought it home they practically ignored it , but today I caught Crash playing with it . I turned it on and watched her . Of course , I also had to take a video of her playing . This is how she gets her exercise . That 's where it started . About 6 years ago when I took my cross - country drive , I found myself in Missouri , Independence to be exact . I thought to myself , since I 'm so close , I should visit President Truman 's library . That started my obsession / interest in presidential homes and libraries . In the next few weeks I hope to visit Gettysburg and the Eisenhower Farm . That will make four homes or libraries . I 'm trying to put a few days together to visit Hyde Park , the home of FDR . To begin , last year because of my back problems , I treated myself to a sleep number bed . It 's been very good , I can now sleep without pain . Getting up is another thing . But I digress . One day , a few weeks ago , I felt my bed getting softer and I heard the clicking that happens when you let out the air . After I got up and loosened all those tight joints I moved my bed and checked all the connections . Everything was in place , I couldn 't find anything wrong . So I just readjusted my numbers and went about my day . This morning I woke up to the sound of my bed getting firmer . This time , I was more observant . There was Crash sitting on the remote . Apparently this remote is very sensitive . I always keep it control side down on my end table since many years ago another cat , Midnight , used to turn the TV on in the middle of the night by walking / sitting on the remote . I 'm still trying to make sense of yesterday 's Supreme Court ruling on Obamacare . According to the chief justice , what makes this law constitutional is the fact that the mandate is a tax . How can that be ? The president , himself , said that this was not a tax and he 's always been straight with us . Hasn 't he ? So , the mandate is a tax . Will middle class people making under $ 250 , 000 a year who choose not to have insurance pay a tax . Won 't this increase taxes on the middle class ? I thought the middle class wouldn 't see their taxes increase . Even if they have insurance , their taxes will increase in the form of small " nuisance " taxes like the tax on tanning beds , the tax on over the counter medicines , etc . I guess the Affordable Care Act ( the real name of Obamacare ) isn 't so affordable after all . Obama has a problem . In order for his Affordable Care Act to be deemed constitutional , taxes have to be raised on everyone , even those making under $ 250 , 000 . If he accepts this ruling , he breaks his campaign promise regarding taxes , if he doesn 't then the last 2 1 / 2 years have been wasted . I recently heard about a man who lost custody of his two young sons because in the eyes of the judge , he was too fat to be a good parent . In the past year , this man had lost 150 pounds and now weighs 360 pounds . That is fat , but he is in the process of losing weight . Instead of letting this father have his children while he loses more weight , they will be put up for adoption . The mother isn 't in the picture . Every day we hear about another assault on the overweight or obese . I actually heard one commentator who was discussing possible vice presidential candidates say that Governor Christie is not fit to be vice president because he 's too fat . That was the only reason . I don 't want him to run for vice president , because I want him to stay in New Jersey where he 's doing a great job . Mayor Bloomberg of New York City is trying to ban the sale of sweetened drinks that are larger than 16 oz . That 's the latest thing he has tried to ban . Previously he has come out against too much salt , trans fats , etc . But , he wants to eliminate the criminality of carrying a small amount of marijuana . At lunch , we started talking about jobs and I mentioned that my company had been taken over by CNA . That rang a bell with one of the women . She said that I must have worked for Continental . I said yes in the reinsurance department . It seems that her husband also worked for Continental and also in reinsurance . The name was familiar , but I couldn 't place him . Later on , we were talking about the neighborhoods where we grew up . We grew up just miles apart . That might not sound too strange , but we both live in New Jersey now and grew up in Queens New York . After the tour , we went to the QVC Outlet Store , which I never knew they had . While I was looking around , I saw a pair of winter white slacks which I have been looking for . There was only one pair and it was in my size . Of course I grabbed it up . The price tag said $ 38 . 79 or something like that . When I was at the register , the woman gave me the price and it sounded like $ 8 . 59 . I just thought I misheard her until I checked my receipt . I was shocked . The pants were 75 % off and the final price was $ 8 . 59 . What a bargain ! That just made my day . Today I had an craving for brownies . I cheated and used a mix and added chocolate chips . They were wonderful . Now here 's why I 'm so proud . Usually when I bake , I take small pieces whenever I pass by the kitchen . Before I know it , the cake or whatever is gone and I 've eaten it all , probably in a day or two . Tonight , after I had two brownies , I packed them in small plastic bags , two to a bag . Then I did a really mature thing . I put them in the freezer . Yesterday some of us took a ride to Atlantic City . It was a long ride because a tractor trailer had overturned on the Parkway . We heard about this because several people on the bus were able to check conditions on their cell phones , which was very helpful . There 's nothing worse than being stuck in traffic and not knowing why . But I digress . I have always said that I won 't play the penny slots because I don 't understand the winning combinations . Sometimes it seems that what wins one time , doesn 't the second time . I went first to the quarter machines , using the bonus that the casino gave us . That money went very quickly . Then , I thought I 'd try the penny machines . After all , so many people seem to win on them . I sat down at the first one , played 20 lines and played three credits . This amounted to only 60 cents . After a while I started winning , then I got bonus free spins and the pennies began mounting up . All of a sudden I had 6950 pennies or $ 69 . 50 . Time to cash out and put the coupon in my purse . Then I started all over . Soon there were many more free spins and the pennies added up , this time to 13840 or $ 138 . 40 . Time to cash out again . This went on for most of the day and I wound up winning $ 200 . 00 . All on pennies . Today on the TV I heard a story about a little girl , if I remember right , about 8 years old . It seems that her teacher gave her an award for being the best at making excuses for not doing homework . Her mother was incensed that the teacher should do that . She felt that the teacher was bullying her little darling . That story reminded me that when I was in first grade , whenever the class acted up Sister Julia would threaten to leave us . That always triggered my tears and soon I had a new name , " Woodhaven Waterworks " . I don 't ever remember feeling bullied , in fact I wore the title proudly . Years later , my son had a teacher in 2nd grade who would sing the theme from the Twilight Zone whenever someone was caught not paying attention . Eventually , the whole class caught on and chimed in . It almost seemed to be a badge of honor to be sung to . As far as I know all those children turned out OK . I think this child 's mother is doing more harm than good by calling attention to this " award " . Give the teacher credit , she found something that the child is good at . If this child is not getting her homework done on time , some of the blame belongs to the mother who should be checking her daughter 's homework . Last year I planted a few strawberry plants in a container . I watched and watered them faithfully and was delighted with the blossoms . Soon those blossoms turned into actual berries . There were 7 . When I last saw them , they were almost ripe . They needed one day more , then I would cut them into my breakfast . The next morning they were missing . A few days later I saw a rabbit on my patio . He must have been the one who ate all my berries . After that , I must admit I ignored the plants and even left them in their container on the patio all winter . I guess because we had a very mild winter here in NJ , they survived and even multiplied . There have been several blossoms and so far I have harvested 13 . There are still a few unripe ones and several blossoms . I 've learned my lesson ; I take them before they are fully ripe . I know it 's mean , but I don 't intend to feed any rabbit this year . Tonight while I was enjoying Jeopardy , the show was interrupted for breaking news . Usually , this " important " news is something minimal and can wait until the end of the show . I was annoyed . Then I heard what it was all about . It seems that after 33 years , the NYPD have made an arrest in the case of a missing 7 year old child Etan Patz who was walking alone to the school bus stop for the very first time . . This child was only a year younger than my son who also had just started walking to school alone . Until today that is . The suspect lived in the neighborhood when he was 19 . Evidently , the police received a tip from someone who said that the suspect has told people that he did a bad thing , he killed a child in New York . Apparently , he said this a few times over the years . I wonder why no one has come forward with this information . As luck would have it , the post office was a little slow that week and my paperwork didn 't arrive in time . I was disappointed , I thought it would be fun to get into a stock at the beginning of its public " life " . That is , until Friday when it started trading . There was no spectacular movement of the stock on Friday , and today it was off about $ 5 . 00 from its initial price of $ 38 / share . I lucked out on that , I really can 't afford another loser stock . I went to the supermarket this morning to pick up a few things for a dinner I 'm planning . While I was wandering through the aisles , I saw a woman looking for something on the lowest shelf . I 'd guess she was in her late forties or early fifties . She was squatting in a deep knee bend and in the middle of the aisle . There wasn 't room for me to pass , so I excused myself and she stood up . She apologized for being in the way . A few weeks ago I had an attack of neat and cleaned and organized my closet . I switched to lighter weight clothes and shoes . I put my boots away and took out my sandals . It was then that I realized that my shoe shopping had gotten out of hand . I have far too many shoes to mention . While organizing and cleaning I threw out several empty shoe boxes , without checking which is something I never do . A day or two later I remembered that I had ordered and received a pair of denim penny loafer type shoes . I looked all over the closet but couldn 't find them . I hated to admit it to myself but I must have thrown them out in one of the boxes which I never checked . Yesterday , I was trying to find a pair of shoes in the brown / tan family . I picked up one pair and discovered the new denim shoes . I had been looking for a pair of denim shoes and didn 't realize that the ones I thought had been thrown out had a tan trim on the heel and the denim wasn 't visible on the shelf . I 'd like to know why the media doesn 't dwell as much on the past of President Obama . They haven 't made too much of his younger days when he used drugs . I wonder why . I started out with all good intentions . I actually filed a few pieces of paper , then my troubles started . I found a print - out of what I call my " memoirs " . Actually , it 's just a collection of family history and my childhood through the present time . After my mother died a while back , I realized I had so many questions about the family history and that now there was no one to answer them . So I decided to start writing my memories and impressions . Now , back to my original problem . When I found this print - out I had to sit down and read it . Then I saw errors and had more thoughts , so I had to start writing . That was well over an hour ago , and the papers keep piling up . Last weekend , there was a horrific traffic accident in the Bronx . According to news reports , an SUV went out of control on the highway , went through the guardrail and fell several feet to the ground , killing 7 people in the car . I know it 's all about semantics , but the wording bothers me . The car didn 't go out of control , the driver lost control , possibly because of excessive speed . Then , all the reporters went on and on about the " dangerous " road . Granted , there are some curves and there have been several accidents , but roads aren 't inherently dangerous , it 's the drivers who are the danger . Now , there 's a push to increase the height of the guardrails to prevent an out of control car / driver from going off the road and onto the road below . The other tragedy that got my attention last week was the suicide of a former football player , Junior Seau . According to reports , he had been a star linebacker in the NFL . This has resulted in calls for investigations into the head injuries received by football players , although this particular player had no record of concussions . Is it possible that after being told he was special , a wonderful player and a star probably since his early teens that he just couldn 't adjust to becoming just another face in the crowd ? A Professor Liming Zhou from the State University of New York examined conditions around these wind farms and reported in the journal Nature Climate Change that the temperature increased up to 0 . 72 degrees Celsius per decade at the wind farm locations compared to nearby areas . It is believed that this change was caused by air turbulence generated by the turbines ' rotor blades . The professor said that a large enough wind farm could affect local and regional weather and climate . Unfortunately , he still believes that the impact of carbon dioxide emissions has a global effect rather than just a local one . However , if we had more wind farms , wouldn 't that have a more widespread effect ? First , I have too many clothes . I 've always liked clothes and rationalized that if I had a lot so that I wouldn 't have to do laundry quite as often , but I seem to have gone overboard . Every year I buy a few new things , but I don 't seem to throw anything out . I still have clothes from the early ' 90s . Some fit , some I hope to get back into , but I like them so much they have to stay . I have one top that is nice and loose and so comfortable , but it looks so bad that I only wear it when I know I won 't see anyone . I also have too many shoes . I think this goes back to my childhood . As a young girl , my feet grew and have continued to grow . I remember walking along the avenue stopping in one of the many shoe stores trying to find something suitable for a 10 year old in a size 5 or 6 . As a result , now whenever I find a pair or two of shoes in my size , I scoop them up , sometimes the same style in different colors . I can 't remember the last time I bought only one pair . Let 's not even mention the pocketbooks . I 've been on a new pocketbook kick and now have several in different colors , again several the same style . I 'm out of control ! This shopping has got to stop . Although , I guess I have been helping the economy in my little way . This work on my closet has spread to my bathroom . Again , thanks to my disorganization , I found several bottles of shampoo and conditioner that I didn 't realize I had . I won 't have to shop for months , which should help my budget . I feel so good when I look at my closets now . I think I 'll tackle the kitchen next , that closet is looking a little messy . I may even find some ingredients for a good dinner or dessert . Last year , mom hurt her back . It 's gotten a lot better even though she doesn 't do her exercises . I got tired of her complaints so I made up a game to get her to exercise . Whenever she 's on the computer , I come into the room and meow . If she doesn 't pay any attention to me , then I try to climb up her leg . This really gets her attention . Then , she offers to pick me up . I pretend that I don 't want to be picked up , so I run away . As soon as she gets settled , I try to climb up her leg so she can bend over to pick me up . I run away again . I do this about 5 or 6 times so she can stretch her back , then I let her pick me up and I purr and purr . All that stretching seems to be helping , she doesn 't complain as much . I also heard that it can be very dangerous to take a shower , although I can 't imagine what you humans think is so great about having water poured all over your body . Then you have to use that noisy thing to dry your hair . But I digress . To keep mom safe , I sit right next to the shower while she 's washing . As soon as the water is off , I leave . What he probably didn 't mention was that he pays a lower rate because he lives on income from his investments , capital gains and dividends . This money is indeed taxed at a lower rate which is fair since capital gains and dividends are the result of investing income which has already been taxed at a much higher rate . We don 't hear much about that though , do we . Isn 't it strange that two of the president 's friends ' companies ( GE and Berkshire Hathaway ) don 't seem to pay taxes . This idea of increasing taxes on millionaires who are the job creators is just another example of the current trend of punishing the successful and rewarding the mediocre . There 's just something backward about that . I love to read . I have stacks of books that I want to read , that I 've read and that I am , or should be , reading . My favorite stories are biographies . I just finished Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand . This is the story of Louis Zamperini , an Olympic runner in 1936 and a member of Army Air Force and prisoner of war in World War II . It took me quite a while to get into this book because in his younger days , Louis was known to steal , a lot . It bothered me that such a young child would steal . Once I started reading about his racing prowess , he ran the mile in 4 min . 21 sec . ( the fastest at the time ) , I was hooked . Eventually , he enlisted in the Army Air Force and served in the Pacific . His plane was shot down and he and two other members of his crew drifted 2000 miles in a life raft in the shark - infested waters of the Pacific , until he was " rescued " by the Japanese and sent to a prisoner of war camp . The story covers all the indignities , starvation and beatings he and his fellow prisoners suffered at the hands of their captors . After the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaka early in August 1945 , their lives were spared . Orders had been given to kill all the prisoners on August 22 , 1945 . All the while he was in prison , his family thought he was dead , although they wouldn 't accept the fact . When he returned home , he couldn 't forget the horrors of his internment and the most cruel guard who they had named " the bird " . He was so haunted by those memories that he tried to drown them in alcohol . Eventually , after hearing Billy Graham speak , he gave up the alcohol and turned his life around . I was reading this book on a bus ride to Atlantic City and was so engrossed in it that I was surprised at how quickly we got there . I also thought about forgetting about the slots so I could read , but when I saw those machines and heard the bells , I decided to play and read later which I did . I continued reading when I got home and didn 't put it down until I finished it . Today I went to an all year reunion of my high school . I attended an all - girl Catholic school in Brooklyn , The Bishop McDonnell Memorial High School , and graduated 55 years ago . Almost 40 years ago , they closed the school and the building is now used for a school for the deaf , but every year they let us hold our reunion there . When I first walked in and saw everyone , my first thought was , " Who are all these grey haired women " . Then I realized , they are all my classmates . We had a wonderful day starting with a small reception , followed by Mass and then dinner . This school was very strict . Here is our dress code , we didn 't have to wear uniforms . The issue of the stockings made some of the girls very imaginative . Of course , we didn 't have air conditioning , and nylon stockings were very uncomfortable in the warm weather . Some of the girls would use their eybrow pencil and draw a line up the backs of their legs to simulate the seam of the stocking . After a while , the nuns caught on . As you can see by these rules , they were teaching us to be ladies , 50 's style . Today I was a rebel , I wore dangling earrings and a pullover top . It 's a reminder how far we 've come . I saw several pictures of our class trip to Washington , DC ( which we took by train ) . We all wore hats and gloves . When I saw that the program called for our reception being in the gymnasium , which was on the 4th floor and I was on the first floor , I hesitated for a moment . But , things have changed , we were now allowed to take the elevator . I guess they didn 't want all those old ladies climbing 4 flights of stairs . Have you seen the latest t - shirt offered for sale by the Obama Campaign ? I have and I think it is utterly classless . I know that standards have been very relaxed lately , too relaxed in my opinion . You hear vulgar language all over now , but I would think that the president of the United States would know better than to advertise that his office has no control over their speech . You know that old stereotype about ladies gossiping while getting their hair done ? I think it 's just a rumor . I 've never heard any good gossip , but I have heard some other good stuff . Yesterday , I travelled up to Queens to my usual hairdresser . I know I should get someone here in NJ , but she 's so good and I like to see the old neighborhood . She was telling me about her day working in a nursing home where she takes care of the patients ' hair . While she was there , she met a woman who was visiting a friend who was a patient . The visitor mentioned that she was 84 years old and still drives and EVEN skis , something she only started doing when she was 46 . Remarkable , I hope I 'll be as active when I 'm that old . We also got to talking about sleep . The customer after me mentioned that she doesn 't sleep much . She only sleeps about 3 hours , then gets up and usually has something to eat like a sandwich . Then she 'll get another 3 hours sleep . This woman only weighs about 100 pounds . Maybe I should try her way of doing things . While we were on the subject of sleep , I mentioned my FITBIT and how I 'm able to track my sleep and my exercise . Suddenly , everyone wanted to see this great little toy . They all wanted to know where to get it . It appears that he is very concerned about the homeless and their diets . For years a local synagogue has been donating freshly cooked foods to city shelters . Now the mayor has decreed that these shelters shall no longer accept food without a nutritional label . He 's very concerned that the homeless receive the correct portion size and limit the salt contained in the food . The food served in the shelters should only be provided by the city . It looks like the mayor is more concerned with limiting fat and salt from the diets of homeless people than with accepting good food from volunteers . OR is this a way to expand the nanny state by making more people dependent on the services of Big Brother ? I don 't like the way this is going . I feel just awful . When I moved in my home six years ago , I bought a very nice white , upholstered chair for my bedroom . It had a nice scale , a little smaller than the usual chair and it rocked . It fit just perfectly by the bay windows . Unfortunately , Crash and Burn also loved the chair , Burnie particularly . Since I keep them in the bedroom at night , the chair had a lot of wear and tear with the emphasis on tear . No matter how hard I tried to teach him , Burnie just wouldn 't climb in the chair the usual way , from the front . All he had to do was stretch his front paws on the seat cushion and pull himself up . He either couldn 't or wouldn 't do it right . He insisted on climbing up the back of the chair and then going over the back to land on the seat cushion . As a result , the chair looks like this . I decided the chair has to go . We 're having a bulk pickup tomorrow and yesterday I moved the chair out of the bedroom , near the front door . A few minutes later I passed the chair and saw this . I guess this is Burnie 's way of telling me that it 's his chair and I can 't take it . When I was moving it into the garage , I could hear them crying behind the closed door . It 's now outside , there 's no turning back , but I suppose I 'll have to get another chair . Only this new one will not be upholstered , no more scratching and tearing of furniture . After living the greater part of my life in Queens in NYC , I decided to try country life . I bought the " money pit " , then decided to retire to a 55 + community in New Jersey . I 'm learning so many things about myself and trying so many new things . I always said I was a late bloomer . But I will always be a New Yorker and proud of it . My interests include reading , travel , photography , writing , cooking , crafts . My tastes in music are as varied as Beethoven , Mantovani , country , classical , ' 50 's and rock . I 'm interested in enough books to fill Alexandria . I 'd love to hear from my old friends from St . Sylvester 's Elementary School . - - Cathy Wagner Monroe Nick , looking askance . * Each dog , Mack first , * and then Finn , felt the need to carry the blinkie ball up to the backyard this morning . The blinkie ball is . . . Well , I did it . I finally decided to audition for a reality cooking show in Dallas , Texas in early 2016 . It was for a show that is on mainstream network T . . . * Anyone a fan of the " Flip or Flop " or " Fixer Upper " shows on HGTV ? ( I swear , if I hear " Oh Wow " one more time I 'm gonna slap someone . ) They make all the r . . . ( Probably an all too honest post . I apologize , kind of , in advance . ) 90 years . That 's a lot of years . Dad had his 90th birthday this week . We had a party , . . . Happy Easter Everyone ! ! I 've been taking a little break from blogging , but I should be back to posting again soon . In the meantime , I hope you enjoy this p . . . Well children , pack up your bags and let 's get going . It 's time to leave this lovely home that I have been in since June 2006 . We are going to a nice new h . . . MortyDo I really have to tell you how many days the feather duster has been sitting in this chair ? ? FINE . . . five days , happy now ? ? FIVE DAYS . . . Yes , it 's been almost a year since I 've last posted here . I 've been distracted for many reasons , and time seems to be moving by at warp speed . I have a lot . . . Our poor cat . Really , his life teeters on the thin line between well loved and SPCA report . Avery carries him , feeds him ( forcefully ) , dresses him , and ( at . . . |
My mother came from a large family ; she grew up somewhere in the middle of a group of twelve ( plus two more who died in infancy ) . Consequently , family gatherings when I was a child were large , boisterous . After she died , I didn 't see these relatives often , reconnecting just in the last ten years or so . When I stopped by my brother 's house to bring Christmas cookies , he asked if we could alter our travel plans and leave a day early to attend the funeral , which was last Wednesday . At first , I said no . Too busy , new job , no vacation , long time no contact , etc . , etc . He was OK with that . But then I stopped . My excuses glared , tinny and fake , as just that - excuses . There was no real reason I couldn 't or shouldn 't go , and so we went . Those of my aunts , uncles and cousins who could make it were there , along with her friends , her children , grandchildren and great - grandchildren . All were sad , but for ourselves left behind , not for her . Her last years were filled with the confusion of dementia - she has gone home to see her siblings and husband , to garden in Peace . Her funeral was in a small country church in north central Iowa . The second Vatican council passed the church by - her side altars , large central edifice and communion rails remain intact . The church is near where my mother grew up , many of the aforementioned family gatherings were held in the church hall . As all were gathered for the post - funeral luncheon in the old school gym / parish hall , I stopped at the top of the wide old oak stairs leading down into the room , transported for a moment back through the years to the gatherings I 'd attended there as a child . I shook my head to clear it and joined the crew , to find my cousins had experienced the same sense of deja - vu . We shared memories and stories of the days we played in classrooms in the upstairs hall . Do you suppose the classrooms were still there ? The front stair was locked , but didn 't that door next to the kitchen lead to another staircase ? We tried the door , and it was indeed unlocked . The old worn treads were covered in dust , otherwise untouched by time . Memory led us upwards and we found ourselves in the single hallway that had served as a small country school . Now used for some sort of classes and religious ed , the only things missing were the shelves and coat hooks that once graced the hallway . The shadowy dark seemed fitting as we peered through the glass on the doors to look at the old desks and chalkboards , beckoning with their almost - forgotten memories of afternoons spent making up games to stave off boredom while waiting for the grownups to finish eating and talking . I have to admit , I stole it . Even though its owner was sitting right there . It was clearly unloved and neglected , down to just three leaves , those more gray than green . This was several years ago at work . I 'd stopped by to talk to my friend Anita . As we chatted , my eyes wandered around her cube , finally lighting on the saddest excuse for a Christmas cactus I 'd ever seen . I put the poor thing on my windowsill ( I rated a cube with a window in those days ) and tenderly nursed it for several months . It was slow to respond . but that ghost of green never went away , and eventually became stronger , spreading through the leaves until they were healthy and shiny again . It took a while longer for it to be brave enough to put out new sprouts ; to regain enough strength and trust to grow . At this point my conscience started bothering me , so I took the plant back down the aisle and offered it back to Anita , who graciously declined . She was not a bad sort , but her spot in the office just didn 't offer the right sort of light for the plant to live . Not at all sorry , I took it carefully back to my desk , and continued to water it and watch it grow . My little spot of green . It took at least another year , but the plant rewarded me with two brilliant red blossoms one dreary fall week . When I left AT & T , the plant came with me . ( Of course ! ) When I left home for my trip , I reluctantly handed it off into foster case - I knew it wouldn 't thrive in the uncertain environment of the camper van . When I came home , I got it back - still healthy and green - moved it into my condo , then into my new house . It 's still not fond of moving ; not quite certain yet of this place . The light isn 't quite right , and I haven 't been able to find the perfect spot for it . Until , last week when the calendars synced up . I noticed a small tip of red on the end of just one branch . I watched carefully as it grew and swelled and finally burst into full flower - to my eyes , a bird just taking flight . A while back , I wrote about the battle I 'd lost - Monster had decided the sink was not only a BOX , but even better , was a BOXWITHWATER ! Since then , getting a drink from the trickling faucet has become his cherished morning ritual . He prowls the upstairs as I get ready each morning . As soon as I set foot on the stairs , he zooms past me to get to the sink to await his drink . ( I 've added a daily note to self : take care on the stairs - if he hasn 't already zoomed past , he will , and worry about my footing is not on his radar screen . ) I want to reuse the kitchen sink that came with the house . It 's the style I want , and is heavy - duty enough to last for some time . Unfortunately , we couldn 't find a model number for it , so the countertop people were unable to pull a template to do their cutout . They 're ready to begin fabrication and so asked us to pull the sink so they are sure to cut the proper sized hole . You see where this is going . Last night , Joe de - installed the sink so we could get it down to them . This morning , the cats got on the counter for their morning drink , looking desolately into the hole where the sink used to be . I let them look for a minute , and got them a bowl of fresh water to drink . They took a few polite laps , but then returned to looking at the hole , then at me , then back to the hole . I needed to get ready for work , so shooed them off the counter , and started to pull my things together . The minute I turned away , they started to double - team me . One would jump up . While I removing him from the counter , the other would take a turn . They 'd get up there and meow plaintively at me - what did you do with the BOXWITHWATER ? ? ? - winding unhurriedly but effectively away from me as I tried to dump them back on the floor . Their confusion was clear . They like their morning drink and couldn 't understand why the box was gone . They looked to me to fix it . I had no way to let them know this is a temporary loss , that the BOXWITHWATER will return sometime next week ( along with new and improved countertops ! ) I kind of feel the same way . Cancer has been messing with my treasured rituals all year - disturbing the balance of work - family - friends - leisure . I don 't understand why , and would like it back the way it was . Please and thank you . Perhaps there is a larger picture beyond my ken , but I am unable to see it and am confused and a bit forlorn . This time it 's a friend I 've known for some thirty years . He 's about my age , and found out last week that he has a brain tumor . Still waiting to hear some of the details , but we know it 's the spreading kind . They 've operated , which has relieved some of the pressure on his brain , but weren 't able to get all of it . He is a good man , he is honest . He goes to church and is kind to children . He loves art and sports and drives in the country and horses and does his best to do good and not harm in this world . He 's been in the hospital for a couple of weeks already ; first while they figured out what was up , then to recover from surgery . We 've gone to visit him several times ; have spent a lot of time talking about good food . They have him on a low - carb diet , which leaves him hungry . And since it 's too hard to talk about the hard stuff , food is an easy topic . ( I understand why they 're adding insult to injury this way , but helped him skate around the edges of the rules on Thanksgiving . The meal we put together for him was kinda - sorta low - carb - and the nurses all looked the other way . After they helped us reheat the plate so his dinner would be hot . ) So , I am grateful - for small pleasures able to smother large pains , if only for a short time . For a top - notch medical team - who are giving him the best care around . For laughter - we laugh anyways when I see him . For his faith - it is helping him through this . We started Saturday by cleaning out my car 's spot in the garage . The spot has been filled by the detritus from various and assorted projects since last spring . You know how it goes ; you put something there just for right now , until you figure out a spot for it . Then , the something starts breeding . Next time you go out there , a box has grown next to it , then a pile of lumber . Add some spare parts and a pile of recycling or two , and the next thing you know , you can 't even walk into the space , let alone park a car in there . But winter 's coming and it was high time , so we tackled the piles and got the space cleared out . Next , we needed to start on the things we 've been storing in the neighbor 's garage . ( the breeding process there has been slower , but we 've definitely been encroaching upon their space and need to get out of there . ) To get our stuff out of their garage , I needed to have room for it in my house . Now the cabinets are almost done , I knew I could clear the rest of the kitchen boxes out of the porch / storage unit . While I was getting those boxes , I figured I should get the rest of the stuff I 'd been ignoring out there while things were under construction . But we persevered until the pile had been transferred into the main house . Now , I ' just ' need to empty boxes . Again . Given that I haven 't seen the things in these boxes for four years , I think a lot of it will just move right on out the door without passing Go . On the other hand , just looking at the labels , I know I 'll find some lost treasures - the picture albums , my Nativity set ( just in time for the holidays ! ) , a picture I bought in Honduras . Since I had more stuff in the porch than I 'd realized , at least there 's plenty of room out there for the furniture that 's in the neighbor 's garage . It 's mostly chairs . I didn 't know I had a thing for chairs until it came time to move - and I moved over 20 chairs from the old house to storage and then to this one . Yes , I know I don 't need all those chairs , but for some odd reason , I 'm finding it hard to let them go . They can stay out there until Joe moves out and frees up the rest of the space for use as a room instead of storage . Then , they 'll have to go . Period . I just hope the stuff from the garage fills the available space . We KNOW what will happen if there 's room leftover out there . . . She fell in love with the anesthesiologist ; plans to send him a declaration of her undying devotion . You see , he listened to her ; tried a new combination of drugs - and she came out of the operating room not at all nauseous . A welcome and major change from her first surgery last February . As we had before , we went down the day before surgery for her pre - op appointments . We were done there by two , so had a marvelous late lunch and indulged in some retail therapy to distract ourselves . Kate hit the wall just after we got to the hotel to check in ; she 's been fighting what she calls the Great Fatigue of 2015 for the past few weeks . ( Sleeping twelve hours at night and another three during the afternoon . It seemed a bit extreme , so she went in for bloodwork last week . All came back as good , so we decided it was her body 's way of healing . ) Since she was so tired , instead of going out to dinner , we stayed at the hotel and enjoyed their complimentary soup for dinner . It was canned minestrone , but we weren 't complaining . It was hot . About halfway through dinner , winter decided to make an appearance . The temperature dropped from the upper fifties to the upper thirties in just a few minutes , accompanied by strong winds and cold rain . At that point , the soup tasted a whole lot better - the fact I was there eating it meant I didn 't have to face the storm . The rain had abated by morning , but the wind was still fierce . Hers was the second surgery of the day ; we didn 't have to be to the hospital until 8 , which gave us time for coffee on the way in . ( They let her have black coffee the morning of the surgery . I didn 't get coffee on surgery days - not fair ! ) The routine was familiar - check in , wait for a couple of hours , they take her away , wait for more hours , she comes back . all groggy and sore . Only this time , there were no tubes , there was no sense of loss . In its place was a sense of completion . This surgery is the last piece of her active treatment ; she 's more than ready to close out this chapter of her life . Now , finally , she can finish healing and move on . After I got back from Minneapolis , I set myself in a race against winter ; I wanted my cabinets built before the weather changed . The fumes from the finish I 've been using for the interior of the cabinets are lung - searing ; the lacquer best applied outdoors . ( I use it because it dries quickly , doesn 't require sanding , soaks into the wood to protect it and is water resistant . ) I made good progress at first - having all my afternoons free helped a LOT ; a benefit of the way I 'd structured my job search process . But then I found work . In most ways this is a good thing , definitely eases worries about paying the bills , but it cuts deeply into available project work time . Especially when you take a week out to go to Montreal . My long and easy afternoons were immediately compressed into the hour ( s ) of daylight left after returning home from work . Each evening , I 'd change as soon as I came home and work until dark . Days shorten quickly during October - and once daylight savings time goes to sleep for the year , there is no such thing as daylight after work . The weather is also subject to change without notice from balmy to 40s - and - rain ; too cold for finishes and glue to set properly . Which meant I needed to finish what I was going to finish before Halloween . To be honest , I didn 't think I 'd make it . It 's been several years since I exercised my woodworking skills . My steps stuttered ; progress was slow . But I kept at it , and as is the way of such things , I looked around one day last week to realize that I was almost done . Done enough anyways - painting can be done indoors , and I don 't really NEED cabinet doors right away , now do I ? The countertop people stopped by this morning . ( They won 't come out until the cabinets are set , and insist on taking all the measurements themselves . You supposed they were burned at some point ? ) She said I should have them installed within the month . ? ! ? ! ! The weather this October has been beyond beautiful in Kansas City . The month has largely been a stream of sunny , temperate days with cool nights . With all the rain this summer , the fall colors are rivaling any I saw on my camper van trip . These past few weeks , I 've found joy on my commute as I find a new most beautiful tree every morning and evening on my drive . I 've had the hardest time . Instead of just enjoying the season , I 've found myself trying to hold tightly on to it . Of course I know that doesn 't work ; the beauty is slipping through my fingers as beauty does every time I try to hold it instead of enjoying it . I KNOW better than this . I KNOW I can 't hold on to beauty . But that hasn 't stopped me from trying . And in trying , I 'm missing the beauty here , today . But , I wanted to make a good impression on my new coworkers , so I stopped in the Detroit airport to put in my contacts . I managed to get them in without dropping them down the drain OR onto the floor , so was feeling pretty proud of myself as I got on the second flight . Makeup and everything ; how much more uptown can you get . The second flight was on a small plane - the kind with just two seats on each side of the aisle . As were all my flights that day , the flight was full , the bins crowded , so I had my carry - on under my seat . I got off the plane , no problem ; gave no thought to the fact my water bottle seemed to slip more easily than it should have into its spot in my carry - on bag . ( This is where I start blaming that god - awful early rising for my dulled senses . . . ) Sure enough , I got to the hotel to check in , and my all - important cosmetics bag was missing . You know , the one with all the stuff in it that you don 't check because you REALLY don 't want to lose it . My drugs were in that bag . My night guard ( I 'm an incurable nighttime teeth grinder - the guard prevents my teeth from actually grinding together , and has saved me from many a headache . It 's also custom made to my mouth , and wasn 't cheap . ) My glasses . I just about lost it . What was I doing in this stupid town starting a stupid new job anyways ? I was tired . The day had been long already , and I still had to be nice to relative strangers ( my new coworkers ) for dinner . I should have . . . I could have . . . I had no idea where the bag had gone . I told one of the guys about my lost bag , and he insisted on taking me to Wal - Mart where I could replace some of the essentials . There was nothing I could do about the drugs or the glasses , but I was able to get some toothpaste , contact lens solution and , bless their hearts , some disposable night - guards . ( I had no idea they made such things . ) And I went on with my week . I never heard anything at all from the airport , and after a few days , while the folks at Delta assured me they were diligently searching for my lost items , they hadn 't found it either . I gave up hope , and started making plans to see my eye doctor and dentist when I got home . I needed new glasses anyhow . * * sigh * * Then , as I was waiting in the airport for my return home on Friday , idly checking my email , there was another message from Delta . They 'd found an item closely matching the description of the items I 'd reported lost . I had 45 days to pay to have the item ( s ) shipped to my home , otherwise they would recycle them . I didn 't wait 45 minutes , let alone 45 days - I was HAPPY to pay to have my lost bag returned to me . I got the package in the mail on Wednesday - it was all there ; every item that had been in the bag was still there . It even made me feel slightly better about the whole 3 : 30 AM thing . Slightly . I hadn 't been on a working business trip in over a decade . There I was , in the airport at 5 : 15 AM . That means I was up at the ungodly time of 3 : 30 . AM . 3 : 30 AM is either a time for tossing and turning or sleeping soundly . It is NOT a time when I should be out of bed any longer than it takes to relieve my bladder . But there I was , waiting with the rest of the Monday morning business flyers for a plane to Detroit , then Montreal . The trip was routine - no major bumps in the air highways . I met up with two others also starting the same day with the same company in Detroit ; we landed shortly after lunchtime , made it through customs without trouble , went to the hotel and dropped our bags , then headed to the office . You 'll note I didn 't mention where we stopped for lunch in there - that 's because we didn 't stop . Finally , about 3 : 30 ( PM , this time ) , my system rebelled . They were still talking , my brain was no longer processing . It was on strike until I fed it . I put my foot down , dragged everyone down to the cafeteria ( fortunately , they stock good coffee there ! ) and got myself a sandwich . Back to work we went , finally finishing up for the day around 7 : 30 . By the time we went out to find a place to eat , it was after nine , and the only thing that sounded reasonably good that was still open was a fast food burger place . ( I got a vegetarian burger , in case you 're curious . ) Oh , the glamour of it all ! I got a bit more food the rest of the trip , but as had been true in my long - ago , didn 't have the energy to get out and see anything of the city besides the customer location , the hotel and the airport . I 'm happy to report the hotel ( Ruby Foos ) was lovely , the customer 's building within walking distance so I didn 't have to risk my life driving in Montreal traffic - they 're cut - throat up there , just in case anyone thought Canadians were laid back and easy going . . . The flight home was delayed as every flight I 've ever been on that went through the Atlanta airport on a Friday evening , but was otherwise uneventful . All of the above exactly matched my old memories of flying on business . I love visiting new places on vacation ; would happily avoid business travel for the rest of my days . It falls under the heading of ' necessary evils ' in my book . Fortunately , I 'm slated to travel very little in my new job . If nothing else , this trip served to remind me that the life of a road - warrior is not for me . I leave tomorrow morning for training in Montreal . Bright and early . as in , the flight leaves at 6 : 19 . AM . It 's going to be quite a shock to my system . I 've done pretty well at keeping to a work - like - ish schedule while I 've been between jobs , but going from sleeping in to getting up at 4 to catch the flight is stretching the boundaries . As much as I detest getting up in the middle of the night , I appreciate that the flight is on Monday morning instead of Sunday night . I have done this before and know it makes sense to start the day in my glasses and wait to put in my contacts until I change planes in Detroit . I can get some more sleep on that first flight , and will be reasonably well rested by the time I get to Montreal . It 's always fun to visit new cities ; I 've checked the weather , it 's supposed to be beautiful . ( I was in Montreal once , for a short visit ; I remember it as a beautiful city . ) I had great plans to spend this last week off winding up some projects around here . I did some of that , but spent much of the week procrastinating . Who knows when I 'll next get to just lie down on the bed and enjoy the purring cat ? Or will be able to take time to stop to read a book in the middle of the morning ? The work will still be here when I get back from my trip , I 'm sure . I 've had so little control over the timing of my activities this year ; they 've been dictated by the winds of illness and healing . September 's weather is my favorite of the year - if I were to choose a month to have lots of free time , it would be my first choice . And so I am grateful my down time came last month . I 'm doing my best not to spend today fretting about tomorrow . There 's something about starting a new job that brings me back to the first day of seventh grade . What if they don 't like me ? What if I don 't like them ? What if the work is too hard ? What if the work is too easy ? Thursday followed the normal mode . I was still wearing my job - hunting hat after lunch ; there were just a few more places I wanted to look into . As I was paging through one of the job hunt sites , one of the ads I 'd skimmed over caught my eye . The job description was generic , but right up my alley , so I sent them a note , attached my resume , and moved on . About an hour later , the phone rang . It was Jasmin , from the company with the job ad , and wanted to talk to me about my application . We talked for about ten minutes about my background and her company and decided that yes , this could possibly work . I asked her , " where do we go from here ? " At this point , I still thought she was one a front - line recruiter , who would then pass on my information to the hiring manager . It wasn 't until she said , " Well , at this point we usually do a technical interview , but I don 't see any need for that in your case , so you 'll receive an offer from us in 2 - 3 hours " that I realized I 'd been mistaken . Sure enough , about three hours later , I got a phone call from them with an offer . We talked for just a bit , he sent the paperwork across . I took a look at it with fresh eyes in the morning , and after just a bit of negotiation , I accepted the job . I 've been trying to enjoy this last week of relative freedom before jumping with both feet back into a sea of work . Haven 't made much progress ; I 'm eminently distractable . Before I stalled us out , Joe was making great progress on the new flagstone patio ( see photo above - I 'm going to LOVE the final results ! ) ; I was starting to build the kitchen cabinets . I still hope to get one or two more of them done this week . I 've a more - or - less schedule going here ; I look for work in the morning , work on my projects in the afternoon . I 've heard looking for work is a full - time job , but I don 't have the focus needed to look at job listings all . day . long . I 've set myself some simple goals - apply to at least one job each day , follow up on previous openings , look for contacts to help me get beyond the job board application black hole . I start each morning with a full cup of coffee and a fresh attitude . I pull up the listings , and start reading . There are a lot of jobs out there , it takes time to sort through the requirements to find the ones with possibilities of being a good match . About an hour later , the words start to blur . Twitch . I find myself looking at the listings , paging through without actually comprehending a word . which means I have to go back and look through them again , because some of the are the sort of work I 'm targeting . Twitch . About this time , the twitching is becoming downright annoying . Twitch . Oh , settle down , Janice . Twitch . This isn 't so bad . Twitch . Look , here 's somewhere new to look . Twitch . You can picture yourself here , can 't you ? Twitch , twitch , twitch . I have a bit of a love - hate relationship with people who come through the short - term rental place next door , and most of the hate part stems from the shared driveway . The drive is narrow , and there 's not a lot of room on their side of the road to maneuver once you get up it . Often , the guests will drive on up - and only then realize how little wriggle room there is to get back down , especially when we have our cars parked on our side . And , since many of them are from out of town , they are driving unfamiliar vehicles . I tried to set it aside , but somewhere in my mind , I was still fuming . Not so much over the ding as over the unwillingness of some theoretically responsible adults to own up to the messes they 've made . I thought of varying ways to protect my property - one of those concrete columns protecting the gutter came to mind , or perhaps a big railroad tie along the side of the house . I couldn 't come up with anything that wouldn 't inconvenience me as much as it would my unwitting neighbors , so I went to Minnesota and let it go . I came home , and sure enough , the dent I 'd told them not to try to repair was still there . ( duh ! ) I found myself tarring all the temporary neighbors with the same brush , looking at them with suspicion and distrust . The first group made it easy - a group of self - absorbed twenty - somethings using the house as their wedding prep site . There were a lot of them , and sure enough , they managed to park two cars out back , blocking the drive so we had to get them to move one of the cars so we could get out . I was working in the yard this weekend when the latest group pulled in . Still wary , I watched them pull a good - sized SUV into the yard . But then , but then . The father came over to introduce himself and say hello . They are in down for a few days from New Mexico , so their son can see one of the Children 's Mercy doctors for continuing treatment of severe scoliosis . The mother came to introduce herself with a big smile and a compliment for the work I was doing in the yard . Even the teenage daughter smiled . And the son , the son who will deal with the same health problems his life long that plagued my good friend Charlie , looked up from his e - toy and flashed me a smile that echoed the one I miss so much on Charlie 's face . They proceeded to get into their car - she stood outside to carefully guide it safely down the narrow channel , and since then , have parked on the street . We packed up and headed on out last Friday morning . The drive down was the best kind - uneventful - we got here in time for dinner . Our weekend turned into a whirlwind of get - togethers . Kate is well loved , and her friends here wanted to see her ; to see with their own eyes that she is on the mend ; to touch her and share their care . They left Sunday afternoon , leaving the house way too quiet behind them . No toys scattered on the floor , no ice cream for breakfast and lunch , no soft small cheek to give one last kiss goodnight to as I head to bed myself . I miss them . Yesterday , I slept in a bit , just because I could . I lingered over my coffee , just because I could . I enjoyed the quiet of the house ; the company of the cat who is thinking about forgiving me for my long absence . Oh yeah , I also started to look for work . I figured it was a rocking chair thing . A small one , but still . When I 'm ninety , and about all I can do is sit in my rocking chair and think back over my life , when I think about this juncture , will I be glad I did this or sorry ? Will I be sad I didn 't take this chance , or relieved that mischance had passed me by ? I came in through one of the back gates , into the swine barn first thing , and was captivated by the pigs . Pink , black , spotted , most of them sleeping . A few enterprising souls were up , trying to get the latches on their cages open . Not so stupid , pigs . From the pig barn , I walked on through to see the cows , the horses , the sheep , then onto the main streets of the fair , where can be purchased a large variety of foods on a stick . The people watching was even better than the animal watching . I pulled up a comfy section of curb and sat and watched the world go by . It was still early in the day , so folks were in good humor . The weather was good , they were excited and happy to be at the fair . I saw lots of crowding , but very few scowls at the inevitable bumps as those who decided to stop and change direction without signalling collided with those not quite watching their step as they conversed and got distracted by the fried cheese curd booth on the far left . I wandered through the merchandise booths ( didn 't find anything I couldn 't live without ) , went to the newborn life building and oohed with the rest of the crowd at the newborn lambs , stopped in the coliseum to watch the border collie herding trials . I bought a fresh pretzel . ( I don 't think it counts as going to the fair if you don 't purchase at least one item of food . ) I didn 't stay all day - couldn 't ; my feet won 't take the punishment these days - but headed home mid - afternoon , a bit hot and tired and grubby , happy with my decision to see the fair . My job search up here has petered out . I had lots of good conversations with recruiters , but never unlocked the key to actually getting to talk to a hiring manager . I 've quit looking - time is not on my side if I want to be home by spring . The shortest consulting contracts are generally six months - and six months from now puts me into March . By March , God willin ' and the crick don 't rise , Kate will be done with school and moving on with life . It 's tough to say done . I 'd hoped to be up here until the year 's end , to see this through . It feels like I 'm quitting in the middle , and I hate quitting in the middle . But economics enter the equation somewhere in here , and I don 't have the wherewithal to stop work forever . And if I can 't find short term work , I 'd prefer the long term job be on my home turf . With all this running through my mind last night , I had a hard time getting to sleep . Sometimes when this happens , it 's effective for me to pull out my childhood bedtime prayers . As a child , I never saw the prayers written . I memorized the sounds , and so each night would dutifully pray : At the first , we got there early , and went into the bride 's room to talk for just a bit . There Haley sat , beautiful in her dress , radiating joy from every pore . She had dreamed of this day ; this day , her dream became reality . The simple ceremony brought tears to my eyes - her love shone as she repeated the words that bound her to Terrell . We had to travel to the second ceremony . It was more elaborate ; lots of attendants , a big family do . The day of the wedding , hair and makeup took up a good portion of the day . ( Kate and Alexandra were both part of the ceremony , so were included in all the pre - wedding hoopla - Kate and Shrika have been friends since preschool . ) I love to watch Shrika 's family . They 're loud , joyful , loving , chaotic . The wedding reflected their essence . As I watched , I spent some time reflecting on love . Between brides and grooms . Between parents and children . Between friends . Sometimes , it 's clearly visible , trumpeting its presence . Sometimes , it 's quiet , expressed by a tender sideways glance , neatly clasped hands under a table . Always , it 's what helps me make it through the dark times . Someone once called weddings a triumph of hope over experience . I like the part where hope wins in life . It would be easy to be cynical - at my age , I 've seen a lot of marriages fail . But I 've also seen a lot of marriages work . Some that seemed doomed from the start twenty - plus years ago are still going strong . Sometimes , love wins . I like that part , too . Just before I came up to Minnesota , I went to a ballgame featuring the Royals against the Twins . I didn 't know who to root for , my loyalties were pretty evenly divided , my adopted home against my childhood one . Every time either team did anything good , I cheered . Made me popular with the surrounding fans , let me tell you , especially since the Twins won . ( Go , team ! ) Every time someone calls me back , I feel a little thrill . Maybe , this time , this one will come through ; I just need one ! I start to plan how I 'll fit the job into my days here with Kate and Alexandra . Every time the job falls through , I feel a little thrill . I 'll go back home to Kansas City after Labor Day . I can pick up the pieces of my abandoned project , start to look for work there . I 'm fairly sure I 'll be able to find something once I am willing to broaden my search parameters . I 'm rarely this balanced in my life . The options pull more - or - less equally . I 'd love to stay here , extend my time with my family . I 'm even willing to face a Minnesota winter for the first time in eons - though I may regret that part come the middle of January . I 'd love to go back home , pick up the pieces with my friends and house and family there . In the past year and a bit , with some help from that damn shot , my joints have gotten a bit creaky . I can still move as long as I 'm careful , but running is definitely out . For good . I took Alexandra for a walk yesterday to see if I could help her burn some energy . We walked up the hill to a big green space on the St . Paul campus . We climbed on the statues of the bulls , following in the tradition of many before us , as evidenced by the shiny spots on the metal where the good launching off points are . She still had some energy , so I gave her a challenge , to run across the park to the far side and back . Of course , she did . Of course , my heart hitched a bit as I watched the ease and abandon with which she ran . These have been quiet days , good days . Kate continues to mend , more slowly than she 'd like but faster than many would . ( does anyone ever heal fast enough to suit themselves ? no one I know . . . ) I do my part by doing the housework , laundry and any lifting . ( her weight limit is still 10 lbs . ) I wake each morning to the cheerful sounds of Alexandra starting her day . Last weekend , we went to my niece 's long - anticipated wedding . It was beautiful ; I cried my way through it , just because the bride was so happy . Her whole being sparkled with joy . As a bonus , all of my siblings were there - it so rarely happens we took a picture , for proof . The weekend before was another family reunion ; I spent time studying the faces around me , fascinated by the marks time has left on the once - smooth faces . My cousins and I are now the ages our parents were when we were teens . How can it be ? Kate was not so sure about moving into graduate student housing . The buildings do not have the character of the apartment we 've left . However , it hasn 't taken her long to adjust to the new digs . They 're small , but the space is functional . There are some good - sized closets and while the space isn 't notable , it 's clean and well maintained . Things are a bit snug here ; the three of us are sharing two bedrooms . As we were moving boxes in , my brother pointed to one of the closets and said , " if I was Alexandra , I 'd want to sleep there ! " The closet in question is a 3 / 4 - closet ; the floor is about two feet above the rest of floor level . It 's a perfect cave for a small person . When given the option to sleep there , Alexandra jumped on it . One of those win - win situations : She gets the coolest bed ever , and the room feels bigger with just one bed taking up floor space . One of the best parts about this place is the overall building layout ; they 're set up to form rings , with a large green space behind each set of buildings . It 's green , it 's quiet , there are no cars , we can watch it from the dining room windows . For the first time ever , Alexandra can just go outside to play by herself . ( She 's not quite sure she likes the option . ) This will be a good place for Kate to stay while she finishes up grad school . The other place had more character and some gorgeous woodwork , but was it decaying , and surrounded by decay . The landlords around there are more interested in making money than beautifying the neighborhood . I didn 't realize how much looking out dirty windows at rotting roofs and peeling paint bothered me until I was giving the place a final cleaning . I was sad for the fading beauty , I wanted to stop and fix it and make it all better ; give it something more than the cheap cover - up fix the landlord will give it . * sigh * It was once a good home ; it 's for sale - perhaps it will one day be beautiful again . For us , moving on , I think we have landed well . This will be a good place to study , to heal . A temporary , but well - suited home . Sometimes , the Universe gives us a nudge , then follows up . For example , tomorrow 's move . On the surface , it makes no sense for Kate to move now . She 's two weeks out of surgery , almost done with grad school . She 's been here for six years , and it 's been fine . Nudge : I was here in early June for one of Kate 's chemo trips . I ran into her landlord while doing laundry in the basement . He told me he 's putting the building up for sale , and wanted everyone on year - long leases starting in July , or they 'd have to move out at the end of the month . In rather indignant tones , I told him he couldn 't kick Kate out in the middle of chemo ! He backed down , but just a bit ; extended her move deadline to the end of July . Nudge : The upstairs plumbing broke here . The landlord fixed it , sorta , but there 's now a bulge in the wall behind the cheap wallboard he installed over the plaster . Now I have a hard time breathing in the bathroom . I am sensitive to mold . Coincidence ? I think not . Nudge : Just this week , they 've started a large construction project across the street . They 're clanking , beeping , raising dust and taking down trees as I type . ( I know the trees , at least some of them , are weed trees , growing along the property line , but I still cringe every time I hear the crack of the healthy wood fall under the ax . I have to admit , I 'm not convinced trees don 't have souls . I want to run out , like the Lorax , and speak for the trees , but know resistance would be futile . * * sigh * * All I can do is to send them a quick prayer of thanks for the shade they 've provided here for the past years , the buffer they 've provided between the windows and an ugly parking lot view . Goodbye , trees ! ) We went back down to Rochester last Thursday for Kate 's followup appointments . Her drainage output had dropped to a safe level , and they had no compunctions about removing the painful drainage tube . ( They put the tubes in when they remove body parts to collect the nutrients your body sends to nourish the parts it hasn 't yet figured out have gone missing . ) Within a couple of hours of yanking the tube the pain lines at the corners of her eyes had eased . She slept well that night , and has continued to rapidly heal . Her brain is back in motion and the biggest challenge of the upcoming weeks will be to remember the 10 pound weight limit on lifting . She is most appreciative of her baby breasts . They 'll get filled to size over the next few months , but she is happy for now to have regained balance in her chest . It turns out that the prosthesis is uncomfortable and heavy and that women 's clothing is designed for more - or - less equality in the chest . Neither of these facts are a surprise to anyone , I 'm sure . ( She is giving me a new appreciation for my own barely - appreciated implants . Perhaps if I 'd gone without for a while , I 'd be more tolerant of them . ) Perhaps the biggest relief has been the lifting of the chemo fog that has dogged her steps for the last three months . Finally , she is able to plan , to think without becoming overwhelmed within the first fifteen minutes . She can talk to her friends without exhausting herself ; can venture out of the house for social engagements . She is taking baby steps on her long - delayed thesis . She can 't work for long periods again , but at least she can work . The words on the page make sense ! Last week was long . We headed down to Rochester on Tuesday afternoon so we could be there bright and early for Kate 's round of doctor appointments on Wednesday . After we 'd gotten to town and found some dinner , Kate suggested we go find a liquor store so we could have a goodbye party for her breast . I was a bit taken aback , Kate rarely drinks , but was happy to drive her there . We walked in , and I started looking at the wines and fruit beers . Kate headed straight for the whiskey . I recalibrated , and we ended up with a great tequila and peach / raspberry Grand Marnier . We headed back to the hotel and had a fine toast to thank her body for carrying her this far . Wednesday 's appointments were much less stressful than those for the previous surgery ; dare I say they were routine ? We 'll cut here , these are the risks , these are the benefits , are you sure you have considered this option ? No party on Wednesday night ; reality had sunk in and alcohol had no appeal . None . We had a quiet night . Her surgery was first of the day on Thursday , which meant we got to be at the hospital with the dawn ; our check - in time was 5 : 45 . We got there on time , she was properly in the systems so check - in was painless , and then we got to wait . They took her downstairs about 7 : 30 , and I promptly ran out for coffee ( it seemed a little rude to pick it up before then and drink it in front of her . . . ) . They started operating just before nine , and that 's when the day got long and I suddenly wished I 'd thought to have someone come down for the day . I could have used some moral support ; someone to talk to and to help stop the nightmare litany running through my head listing all the bad things that can come out of surgery . ( Even routine surgery that doesn 't involve chopping off body parts . ) I found a quiet corner to curl up in and a jigsaw puzzle to distract me . It helped , but then I went to grab a bite of lunch and when I came back , someone had picked up the puzzle and put all the pieces back in the box . I didn 't have the heart to start over again , so I sat back and closed my eyes and tried to think positively . It didn 't work so well . Fortunately for my overactive imagination , surgery went smoothly and they finished right on schedule . It took over an hour for her to come up to her room from recovery , but when I finally laid eyes on her again , I was pleasantly surprised . She wasn 't nauseous in the least . She 's still on a steady dose of pain meds , and will be until her drain comes out later this week , but other than that , she 's already rarin ' to go . At her insistence , we went for a slow 2 mile walk yesterday , and when we got back , she was tired but felt better for having gotten out . She hadn 't overdone it at all . We won 't talk of the state of my nerves - I was sure , after the first few blocks , that she was going to keel over and then I 'd have to explain to the imaginary jury why I 'd gone along with her idea to get out just three days post - surgery . I was glad to be wrong . This week , we just wait for her to recover . Her marvelous friends have again signed up to bring food , so that 's off the worry list . Her hair has begun to come back in ; there 's a black stubbly shadow on her previously bald head . Her energy has begun to return , I think she has turned the corner on this battle . ( insert huge sigh of relief ! ) It was a normal Saturday night here at Kate 's apartment in Minneapolis . I was reading a bit while Kate read Alexandra her bedtime story . Glancing out the window , I saw what looked to be a marching band filing into the normally - empty - on - weekends parking lot across the street . I read for a bit more , then my curiosity got the best of me , and I went outside and across the street to see what was going on . Turns out there was a big competition at the U of M stadium just under a mile away , and they were there for warm - ups . I thought for about three seconds , then went back inside to see if Alexandra wanted to come outside and watch them for a bit . Something to delay bedtime ? She was in ! Back outside we went . There were about 150 young people in the lot , moving in an impressive display of synchronization . All horns - trumpets , mellophones , tubas and euphoniums ( I learned something , I didn 't know there were mellophones . . . ) . They didn 't play much , but what a sound when they did ! The band is based in California , called the Blue Devils . The students , ages 15 to 21 , come from all around the country . They start their summer in early May with 9 to 9 practices ( ? ! No wonder they 're good ! ) , and end just before school begins . I thought Alexandra would get bored with the rehearsal , but she loved it . Her eyes sparkled , she was full of questions , loved the sectionals with the sound of the higher toned trumpets drifting across the lot in counterpoint to the bass euphoniums in front of us . The band members responded well to their audience of two , and came over to talk with her . She got shy , wouldn 't talk to the nice conductor ( the conductors are also students ; he is studying accounting at a university in south Florida ) who offered to let her touch the white feathers on his hat AND the sequins on his sleeve , but rather just looked at him with wide , wondering eyes . They were only there for about 45 minutes ; we stood and waved and wished them luck as they filed out . As I looked down at Alexandra 's shining face , I was glad I had indulged my curiosity bump - I would have been sorry to miss this glimpse into the lives of the members of a touring marching band . ( Note to self : keep paying attention to what 's going on across the street ! ) My last day at Cristo Rey was last Thursday . I leave town tomorrow . In between , I 've been busy saying a temporary goodbye ( again ) to friends and attempting to celebrate the 4th with my old neighborhood . ( that last was a serious fail - I gave up shortly after lunch and went home and slept for two hours . ) I 've been trying to get my house in order so I can comfortably leave . Simultaneously practicing some serious procrastination - I really don 't want to spend another day driving . And in my spare time , I 've been reflecting again on how life can turn on a dime . There is an 18 year - old in a local hospital . He will lose his eye after a careless moment with fireworks . I am sending my prayers . I am also guiltily thankful the young man is not someone I know ; grateful , this time , my circle of loved ones was not the target of life 's arrow of misfortune . One moment , all is OK . The next , life makes us retrench . The cataclysmic events come without warning . senseless . entropy making its mark ? I know better than to ask why ; there are no answers . but I ask anyways . Awareness that life and health are not givens comes back in full force - and I am thankful for the good things in my life . I have friends and family to stand beside me . My brain works . All my moving parts are more - or - less functional . This last weekend brought us up to central Iowa for a family reunion - my mother 's side of the family . My brother Tony brought us together - he 'd gotten tired of only seeing this group when they were sad , at funerals . It was a marvelous idea ; a good time was had by all . It was a good service - the praise band was joyful , I was enjoying watching Tony and Maggie , his daughter , sing . When it came time for prayers and concerns , one woman sent prayers to a group of breast cancer survivors she 'd recently seen at a run - she was impressed by their numbers and their courage . I added my own prayer - I am looking forward to the day when Kate will be well enough to run in her own pink shirt . The next song was about God with us and making it through the hard times with God 's help . Maggie started it , her eyes swimming with tears . Then Tony broke down - as true pros , he and Maggie took turns with the parts where they couldn 't sing , the parts where the words spoke too deeply , creating a beautiful back - and - forth duet . My tears overflowed ; Rita and Joe , next to me , also had silent tears running down their faces . Kate had been there at the reunion , rockin ' her bald head , and right then , we all faced the reality that while she 's almost very positively without doubt going to be just fine , there 's this slight possibility . and that possibility cannot be faced without tears from those who love her . Fortunately for us , the prayers and concerns part came near the end of the service . We all came together on the altar and had a great big soggy group hug . Someone found tissues . Facing our fears and tears together , sending our prayers and love to Kate , sharing a moment immersed in God 's healing Grace . I won 't try to speak for the others , but when my tears ran out , Grace remained . God Is . Grace Is . Healing Is . ( Christie later commented that God 's Spirit must be partial to the Kimberly - Clark corporation - tears so often accompany the Spirit 's presence . True , that . . . ) Hope whispers . . . recovery . It 's a beautiful star , beckoning her on . Her energy will return . She can leave the pain and fog behind . She can return to her previously interrupted life . Joe and Rita ( yes , they 're still happily dating ) dallied their way through the morning and coming home from church . I was busy fretting ; the neighbor 's fence needed replacing and I wanted to get it done today . I was worried about rain and heat and and and and . They finally got home , and we got to work - and the job was done in less than three hours . Why were replacing the neighbor 's fence you ask ? Well , it 's not because I 'd run out of projects around here , trust me . Partly it was just because it really needed replacing , and they weren 't going to be able to do it on their own any time soon . Partly it was because their back yard is where we dumped the parts of our own fence that we weren 't going to use , and a couple of weeks after we 'd dumped it over , I realized she didn 't have the tools or experience to replace it herself . She 'd welcomed the material - but needed more than that to get the job done . I felt vaguely guilty for just throwing it at her without making sure she was able to use it , and I wanted to set things right . Halfway through dinner there was a knock on the door . It was our neighbor , back from her day 's activities , beaming her thanks . Which was thanks enough for me , but then about an hour later , she was back - with a plate of freshly baked cookies and a thank you note . She said we 're her heroes - it 's nice to get to be somebody 's hero . . . and cookies . cookies are good . I have turned into a true Missourian . It had to happen eventually ; I 've been here thirty years . It 's sad , but I succumbed . Yesterday , I turned on the air conditioner . Not to get cooler , no , but to get rid of some of the humidity in the air . I couldn 't stand it . ( today , I would have turned it on to cool the air anyhow - poof ! it 's summer out there ; humid and upper 80 's . . . ) It 's been a rainy spring . We see the sun just often enough to not go stir - crazy , but it rained almost every day in May . The ground is so saturated the neighbor 's yard was bubbling water like a spring several hours after the rain had stopped after a heavy rain earlier this week . I got up early this morning , decided to go for a walk . When I was on the road , my sister gave me a shirt with my mantra emblazoned on it : Stop Breathe Relax . I 'd put it on this morning ; it took me a bit to realize why people were smiling at me as I walked . I ran into one gentleman twice on my circuit of the park . As I passed him a second time , he said , " I listened the first time I saw you . Thank you . " And I began to slow down a bit myself . To enjoy the building heat , the people on the paths . To consciously breathe . And I felt my shoulders loosen a bit as they came down an inch or two . I noticed my legs and feet , carrying me without complaint . I noticed the blue of the sky against the green of the trees . ( with all the rain , it 's REALLY green around here ) It was nice to take a break from the tension of my days . There 's change in the air in my life . I 'm leaving Cristo Rey at the end of the month . I want to go to Minnesota for a while to help Kate until she gets better . I 'm not sure if that will happen , but signs are promising . There 's a part of me that 's gibbering in fear because I leave my job in two weeks , but haven 't yet lined up another one . There 's another part of me that 's trusting that I 'm doing the right thing , and believes the work will come if I 'm supposed to be up there . Kate and I have decided that one should NOT be required to voluntarily walk oneself into chemo sessions . Especially this last one , where she knew what she was in for . They should have to dispatch at least two burly guys to drag a person in . preferably handsome ones . But , unfortunately , that 's not how it worked . She walked herself in at the appointed time and presented her arm for her dose of toxins . The experience , near as I can tell , did not improve with repetition . The part that WAS better was that they were out of chairs ; it was a busy afternoon at the chemo factory . They ended up putting her into an actual room ; the one generally reserved for really sick people . It was quiet . She could lie there and meditate . She 'd taken her anti - anxiety meds before she went in , so was able to not worry about it all ; she could accept it and let it go . ( isn 't modern chemistry great ? ) The experience of these last few days has been much like the last round three weeks ago . She turns green - ish on a regular basis . Drugs , yoga , sleep - all these help . People bring food - that helps a lot . Having Alexandra here to laugh and cry and just be her almost - four - years - old self - that brings the long - term into perspective , and Kate remembers just why she 's subjecting herself to this ordeal . I think in some ways this third round will be the hardest one . Like your junior year in school or the 3 / 4 turn on the mile track , you 're past the halfway point , but the finish line is not yet in sight . You 're bruised and battered , yet need to somehow marshal energy to finish the race . She 's going to make it through . She had a fever the first day , but managed to fight it off before it got dangerously high . She aches ; her sense of taste is gone again - the treatment has started to settle into a familiar rhythm ; she has some idea of what to expect . I 'll be heading back up to Minneapolis early next week to hold Kate 's hand through round three of chemo . She 's hanging in there . Feeling OK , but shaky . Afraid of the next round of toxins . ( I guess I 'd be more worried about her if she wasn 't afraid - this is some scary stuff ! ) In between Minnesota trips , I 've been back to working on the house . It 's ALMOST ready to be called habitable again . Last weekend , we put in the new shower door . To be more accurate , I watched Joe and his longtime Scoutmaster , Jim , install the shower door . It was a treat . Jim is a retired glazier ; he 's been working with glass for a long time . And , he 's been showing Joe how to do things since Joe was knee - high to a grasshopper . As soon as the glass was unboxed , the teacher - student bond snapped back into place . Jim hung back ; watching us work , making suggestions ( not giving orders ) about how this and that might be a good way to get the job done right . As soon as the basic steps were done , I found myself on the sidelines , watching them work together . The first day , we 'd put the frame in place . Once the caulk was in , Jim shrugged his shoulders , and allowed how that , if it were his place , he 'd stop there for the day and give the caulk a chance to set . Not being fools , we closed up shop for the day , and headed out to get a set of those glass suction cups that the professionals use to maneuver large panes of glass ( another Jim suggestion ) . The next morning , he came back out , and showed Joe how to properly set glass . We used the cups to easily hold the glass while he put his handy - dandy shims ( that just happened to get into his pockets that morning ) into place to level it out . He showed Joe how to put in those black rubber edge strips properly - leave a bit of extra in the line , so as the rubber dries and shrinks , it 'll settle back to even and not pull and crack on you . In these last years , Jim 's eased out of the leadership role of the troop . Joe 's gone from baby scout to Eagle Scout , to leader , and their relationship 's grown with Joe . It was easy to see they both enjoyed a bit of time in their old roles ; guide and student . And I enjoyed watching it unfold . Yup , I got my shower door installed ; that was the least of it . Thank Goodness for men who take time to lead and teach and mentor young scouts . We 'd all be poorer without them . Her second round was this past Tuesday . And , this time , I 'm here in Minnesota with her . And this time , it 's been a bit better . They gave her different anti - nausea medication , and more of it . I came up Tuesday night , after her treatment . She didn 't feel so hot , but it was better than the first round . Wednesday , I just had to not laugh . Her steroids had kicked in , and she was in GO mode . We went to yoga in the morning . We went to Cancer Exercise class in the afternoon . We picked up the house and she gave Alexandra a bath . She wore me out . Sometime in the night , the steroids wore off , and the chemo truck hit her . This morning , she woke pale and dizzy and queasy . One might have thought that would knock yoga off the agenda , but one would have been wrong . We went to the 9 : 30 class - and she was better for it . Chemo is hard stuff . She 's almost bald - and still beautiful . ( It 's funny to walk on the streets and watch people not look at her head . . . ) Her skin is rough , her mouth is sore , her body aches . All in the name of staying well ? ! It was winter , two years ago , Joe and I were driving home from Minnesota after Christmas . Rita , my daughter 's best friend from college , has written me from time to time . This time , she was lamenting the difficulty of finding the right guy . The drive is long , and I was mulling over her letter . I think Rita is a marvelous young lady . Smart , beautiful , good natured . So , I turned to Joe , out of the blue . " Joe , you 'd date Rita , wouldn 't you ? " They 'd met just once , he was fifteen , she was twenty . Through Kate , they had become friends on Facebook . " Sure " , he said . " I like Rita . " So , I called Kate . ( Northern Iowa makes for an uneventful drive . . . ) " Kate , should Joe date Rita ? " " Absolutely " , she said . " I think they 'd get along wonderfully . " So , I wrote Rita back , telling her there was at least one good guy in the world willing to date her , and where there was one , there were more . I figured that was that , but thus , the seed had been planted . Joe and Rita started to text . Nothing serious , they lived 1000 miles apart . Over the next year , they continued to write back and forth . Both were single , both weren 't finding the one they were looking for . Somewhere in there , things turned a bit more serious . She backed off - age and distance seemed to be insurmountable barriers . So , things turned un - serious , they continued to be friends . Joe has always wanted to visit the annual Tucson rock show ( which is where Rita was living ) . So , late last year , I suggested he take a trip on out there . ( the show is held in late January . ) He could see if Rita would like things to turn more serious again , and if things didn 't go well - well , he 's always wanted to visit the Tucson rock show . He proposed the idea of a visit to Rita , who said , " That sounds wonderful , but I 'm moving right around then . I 've taken a job in Lawrence . " ( which is about 45 minutes from our place . ) The wheels of the Universe were turning . They made plans . Joe flew down , had a wonderful time at the rock show , helped her pack up and they climbed in the truck to move her to Kansas . Tucson to KC is about a twenty hour drive . At the end of a twenty hour drive , you have a pretty good idea whether or not you want to spend any more time , ever , with your driving companion ( s ) . I waited with bated breath . Would the sparks they 'd felt online ignite when they met in person , or would they fizzle and die ? I didn 't hear much while he was down there . I waited some more . Joe texted just a little - they were getting along just fine . When next I saw them , my questions were answered . Yes , the sparks had met ready tinder , had ignited and were merrily burning away . A couple of months later , they 're still burning bright . Storms come into all lives . Illness , accidents , poor choices , good choices gone bad . Sometimes even when we 've done everything right . Sometimes , lightning strikes out of the clear sky . Sometimes the morning is beautiful and we leave shelter and the storm catches us unaware and there we are , praying to find a haven where we will be safe until the storm passes . But control is , at best , an illusion . God Is and Evil Is and I remember again that all we can control in this world is our response to what happens to us . ( to paraphrase Viktor Frankl . again . ) . Yesterday was harder for Kate than I can imagine - going in healthy , coming home heavy , bloated , sick to her stomach . ( The day was long . The infusions were nausea - inducing . Next time , she will remember to bring her noise - canceling headphones and some soothing music , so she doesn 't have to listen to blaring televisions while also trying to cope with a headache and upset stomach . ) Yesterday was harder for me than I had anticipated . And while it would have helped if I could have been there , it wouldn 't have helped . For I have confidence in the ability of her care circle to love and care for her and to be there . But it 's the part that can 't be helped ; the counterintuitive part - that making herself sick is the best bet that she will stay better - that roils my soul . The regimen starts tomorrow - four doses , hopefully three weeks apart ( assuming she 's able to tolerate the drugs ) , of Taxotere and Cyclophosphamide . I tried to look up the side effects , so I could know what she 's in for , but I found I couldn 't do it . I 'd read a bit , picture the drugs going into Kate 's veins , recoil instinctively , and quit reading . I just couldn 't do it . I 'll take it as it comes - I don 't have to know in advance all the yucky stuff that could happen , because not all of it will . I know the drugs will most likely help the cancer stay away , but the part between here and there is going to be not pretty . I took all my excess energy on Saturday - and I have a lot of excess energy when mentally avoiding the picture of my daughter starting chemo - and dug a lot of the subgrade for my flagstone patio and path out back . ( Joe was helping with the project , but spent much of the day on parts of it that didn 't involve shoveling . ) I can 't do it as fast as he does , but I was steady , working my anger at the fates out on the poor defenseless dirt . It 's amazing what a mess one can make with a shovel and six hours . I think the entire back yard is going to get raised a couple of inches by the time I get the dirt spread out . Afraid the burnout I 'd been fighting would win , I decided to quit before I flamed out . I 'd planned to downsize , but after selling my house in April 2011 , I thought , " hmmm . . . . " and took a chance on freedom . I put my things in storage , bought a camper van , quit my job and drove away . There are so many beautiful places in this country I hadn 't seen yet . And now I 've seen some of them ; stopped for a bit . Time to breathe , relax , recharge . My trip was cut short by life 's detours , but the joy of it is still with me . |
M : After seeing the company members to the bus and shaking their hands goodbye , I was still standing there on the side of the road , waiting until the bus drove away . After the door closed behind the last passenger , the bus immediately took off . It was as if they were in a hurry . I waved to them and some people waved back through the windows . The waving lasted only a short moment because the bus accelerated very quickly and drove away . After two or three hundred yards , it went around a curve in the road and disappeared from my view . They were gone ! I was looking at an empty road but was seeing the absence of the bus . It was my last impression of them . It was like an apparition or phantasm - I saw what was not there anymore . The emptiness that was left after them got stuck in me and haunted me as an unwanted secret . I couldn 't shake it off . M : I guess it was a taxi , or , wait , there were two other people in the car : besides the driver , there was someone seated in the front passenger seat . It could have been Joachim Landgraf , our German impresario . I think it was he . M : When he found out that I had defected , he came to my hotel room - it was late at night , before the company left ( they left the next morning ) - and he talked with me about what I was up to . He asked me , " Christopher , I heard that you are not going back to Poland because of the proclamation of the martial law there . Is it true ? " " No , I don 't , " I answered sparsely but was thinking , how can I have a plan ? I didn 't plan it . The communist regime in Poland that proclaimed martial law planned it for me . I only reacted . It was not a planned but a spontaneous defection . M : There was a rumor , probably spread by the management of the company , that our German impresario , Landgraf , was against any political protests by the members because he had a lot of business with East Europe bringing theater companies on commercial tours to West Europe . He was afraid that any political upheaval could ruin his business relationship with the East . At least , that was the notion circulating in the company . So , I was suspicious that Landgraf had come to my room to sway me to go back to Poland with the company . This suspiciousness was in my mind while I talked with him , and I think it showed . I think he noticed it . He suddenly realized that he was cornering me too much and that I was putting him off . So , he stepped back and quieted his voice . " In case you change your mind , " he continued shortly , " and choose to stay here , in West Germany , I want to you to know that you can stay in this hotel as long as it takes , until you settle on your own . I will cover all the expenses . Or , if you prefer , you can stay in my house in Munich ( I think he said , Munich ) with me and my wife . She will like that , " he added , ' be my guest . " " Oh , thank you very much to offer your hospitality . It is really very nice of you . I did not expect that . But I think that I 've already made up my mind to go to West Berlin and will stick with it , " I refused as politely as possible . Then he asked me how I was going to get to West Berlin and I told him I was going by train . He asked me if I already had a ticket and when I told him no , he immediately offered to arrange my trip to West Berlin and to pay for my ticket . That was more or less my conversation with the German Impresario . M : I was traveling to West Berlin in an almost empty train . For a few hours , I didn 't see a living soul . I was entirely on my own , sitting alone in the compartment . I thought it was great because I needed a moment or two of solitude to collect my thoughts after the previous two weeks of political upheaval with the company that had drained me . After all , politics were not my thing ; I was not in my element . So , I felt relief that it was over , and I didn 't have to deal with it anymore . Even the German impresario , the last link with the company , was gone . There were no more strings attached . I was totally detached . I was free as a bird . What a liberating feeling it was ! But it didn 't last long . Man is not supposed to be entirely free . M : At a certain point I stepped out of the compartment into the train corridor , stood near the open window , and smoked a cigarette . Suddenly I had a vision . I saw my past in an instance . The most peculiar thing about this vision was that it appeared not in my mind , but on the sky . M : Yes , on the sky . I mean it literally . Suddenly the dark , gray sky opened with light and in it appeared my past life as if painted in an old medieval painting . M : At first it was a grandiose vision , all in light and rich colors , and then the vision began to disappear , quickly going away and diminishing . Finally , it vanished entirely from my view and the sky closed behind it . It was gone . I felt that my past was gone forever and that I had lost everything I had . I realized in that moment that I would never return to Poland and the life I had there . It was an awful feeling . What have I done ? I thought . I looked again to the sky just above the horizon behind where the vision had vanished . There were only gray , heavy clouds , as if it were going to rain . There was no sign of any vision anymore . So , I let it go . M : No , I was not thinking in those terms . I was just disturbed by the vision I had . Then I felt terribly alienated . When I looked outside the window , the landscape looked dark and gloomy , which is typical for that time of the year . It was the last week of December , a wet winter that is usually without snow in that part of the country . I had seen it many times before while on tours with the WPT and didn 't give a damn about it . But this time it got to me . The landscape looked unappealing . I kept looking at it trying to find something inviting out there . That was what I badly needed - a sign . But nothing was inviting ; everything in the landscape felt hostile . I am sure it was a subjective impression , but it was what I felt . It scared me and I almost panicked . But then , in the moment that I was about to fly or run or jump out the window , a familiar young man emerged from one of the compartments . He was an actor from the WPT who had also defected . I don 't remember his name now . Anyway , I hardly knew him - he had only been in the company a few months . I had no chance to talk with him before . We were almost strangers . Nevertheless , he approached me and started to chat . " How are you ? " " Fine , " " Where are you going ? " and so on . Bizarrely , I suddenly felt responsible to take care of this young man as an older colleague . I became very friendly , asking questions with concern about whether he had place to stay . Of course he had , not only that , he had family in West Berlin . So he was set . When we exhausted the factual conversation about our survival , I didn 't know what to talk about with him further . That 's right , we did not know each other . For some reason I felt guilty about it , but had nothing more to say . There came this uncomfortable silence between us . " I better get back to my compartment , " he said . And added to justify , " The train is getting close to West Berlin . We are getting off soon . " " Sure , " I said . " Take care and so on . " Before we departed , I gave him the phone number where he could reach me in West Berlin and encouraged him to call me to keep in touch or , even more so , if he needed anything . In return , he gave me his phone number . When in Berlin , I called him once . That was it . I never saw him again . M : When I arrived , Andrzej Wieckowski , my friend , was waiting for me at the railway station with a bunch of people , something like about ten or twelve of them . They had all come to welcome me . It was terribly nice of them to do that . I didn 't know those people and they came to welcome me . When I was getting off the train , they were already standing on the platform and enthusiastically waving their hands . When I came down the platform , they surrounded me and greeted me as if I were an especially awaited guest . It was incredible . I was not expecting that . They were treating me like a star . M : They were all Polish refugees ; they were Andrzej 's friends and acquaintances . He gathered them for the occasion of my arrival . They made an event of it . Welcoming me at the railway station was only the prelude . Later that evening , there was a banquet on my behalf in Andrzej 's house . We all drove there in two cars . And that ride was something most memorable . M : On the way we stopped in some place and picked up a few more people , and then we continued to Andrzej 's house in the two cars . It was a long drive , half an hour to forty minutes . Suddenly the other car caught up with us and hit our car on the side while passing . I felt a big jolt , and our car was knocked off its path a bit , but the driver managed to stay on the road and to regain full control . Okay , I got it . It was sort of a game , a strange game of bumping into each other . They kept doing it during the entire ride . Next , it was our car hitting theirs , and so on . It went on and on , hitting from the sides , hitting from behind , blocking the way of the other car , pushing to the side . It was crazy . " They will fix it themselves , " Andrzej explained . " Michal is a mechanic , and the other one is a professional racecar driver . They have their own repair shop . " " Damn it , they could kill us , " I thought but said nothing . It would be totally unbecoming . I sensed that . They all were into this reckless game of bumping and smashing each other . There was something anarchic about it . They were getting nihilistic excitement out of it , out of those acts of destruction . I sensed it was an act of liberation for them , or a strange form of therapy , or both . M : They were all refugees from Poland . They were wrecks . The cars bumping and smashing were reflecting their state of mind . It was symbolic . What it was exactly , that anarchic or nihilistic impulse in them , I don 't know how to fully explain it , but it made sense to me . It is why I was not protesting more firmly while they were doing it . The thrill was in taking risk . The liberation , in breaking things , as if saying , it doesn 't matter , my life is wrecked anyway . Our lives were wrecked because the communist military regime had crushed the society , what did it matter to crash a few cars ? M : When we arrived at the parking lot on the front of Andrzej 's apartment building , they parked the cars next to each other and we got out . The drivers checked the damage and calmly discussed what would be the best way to fix it . One car needed an urgent repair because its back fender was falling off , so one of the drivers took that car immediately to the garage . The rest of us went to Andrzej 's apartment , which was on a very high floor ; I don 't remember exactly which floor it was . It was quite a nice and spacious three - bedroom apartment with a large living and dining room . " How did he get it ? " I wondered . He is only a few months in the West and already has an apartment four times bigger than the one he had in Poland . And it was already fully furnished . Andrzej lived there with his family : Wanda , his wife , and Milek , his son . When we arrived , there were already some people waiting for us , and some more were coming . It was a great party . People were open , friendly , and somehow euphoric . M : They were euphoric because they were free . Almost all of them were more or less recent refugees from Poland who had been lucky to be out of the country when martial law was proclaimed on December 13th 1981 , which was just two weeks before we gathered in Andrzej 's house . It was all fresh . We didn 't even know much about what was going on in Poland because both communication and transportation were cut off by the regime . There was some news via unofficial channels that stated that almost all the leaders and activist of the solidarity movement were arrested and detained and / or imprisoned somewhere . But where and what was going to happen with them , we didn 't know . This unknown created a suspense of anticipated horrors and an atmosphere of suspicion . We did know that the military had taken control over the country and were imposing marital law : there were military patrols and tanks on the streets . We also heard there were some fights but didn 't know any details . Though we knew that the opposition was crushed , there was still hope that the opposition would stand up to the regime and overthrow the monster . That was our wish . People were acting as if they still had faith and the fight was not over yet , though I don 't remember exactly how much in it was the political evaluation of the situation and how much was just the attitude of unbroken spirits , which we still were then . We were free and on the loose , the euphoria was the result of getting drunk with newly gained freedom . People felt lucky not to be in Poland at that time . M : Euphoria was an antidote to anxiety . The louder we laughed and screamed , the less we heard our worries . We did not want to hear them . We did not want to have fear . M : We were talking a bit about politics , about the situation in Poland - people were saying what they knew and wondering about what they didn 't . Those conversations were a matter of facts and when the facts were exhausted , there was nothing more to say . People also talked about how they left or escaped or defected from Poland and how long they were already in the West . They wanted to hear my story , so I told them . In fact , I told my story a few times because people were coming and going . Later on came a group of three men who were Polish Solidarity activists in West Berlin . They were very interested in my defection story and the situation in the WPT and suggested that I should go public with it in the German mass media - radio , TV , newspapers . They offered to arrange the interviews . I declined telling them that I was not into politics . They said , " It doesn 't matter ; that 's even better ! You would be a more credible voice ! " " We need someone like you and your defection story right now . It will make big news . Can you imagine the headline : the leading actor of the WPT has defected while on tour in Germany in protest against the proclamation of martial law in Poland ? " one of them asked me . " We will talk about it later , " another activist said . And we dropped the subject for the time being . The party went on and I had a tremendously good time . M : Just talking and playing with people . Not about politics anymore but all other things . A lot of joking - I relaxed and was having fun performing on the spot . It was hilarious . At midnight someone reminded us that it was late , that it was time to end the party because , as Andrzej justified , it was only a prelude to the New Year 's Eve party that was coming in two days . So , with that notion , namely , to save our energy for the New Year 's Eve celebration , we dispersed . The guests went home and Andrzej , his family and I went to bed . I slept in the living room on a foldout couch . The next day I got a phone call from a radio station . They wanted to conduct an interview with me about my defection . I turned them down . Throughout the next two weeks or so I received a few more propositions to give interviews about my defection . They were from some newspapers , another radio station , and a TV station . Each time I declined . M : Yes , I already realized that while telling my story during the party . It stirred suspicion about why the WPT didn 't make a political statement in face of the proclamation of martial law . People were speculating on which side was the management of the WPT : the communist regime or the Solidarity movement . M : I didn 't know . They didn 't declare their political position at all . It seemed to me at that time that they were on neither side . At least , that was their official policy . M : During the party , which took place in the Andrzej 's apartment , a young couple that was entirely naked entered the dance floor , which was arranged in the dining room , and danced the tango . They danced spectacularly . Notwithstanding , some of the guests , in particular , the Germans , were supposedly offended by the stark nakedness of the dancers and left the party outraged by the Poles ' scandalous behavior . At least that 's what I heard ; I didn 't see the Germans leaving the house . Anyway , they could have left because it was already late , something like two in the morning . M : They behaved as if dancing a tango naked was something quite ordinary . They pretended that they didn 't notice it . All of those Poles were so hip . To make an issue about it would be very unbecoming . It was obvious that the naked dance was a provocation , that the young couple tried to shock us . But we wouldn 't fall for it . We 'd already seen it all . Nakedness ? Who cared ? We were the generation of the seventies in which every second avant - garde theater production or happening had nakedness in it . And yet , not noticing it was unnatural . I remember I was sitting around the table with a bunch of people in the living room talking . The naked dancers were well in our view because the living and the dining room were joined together with a half - open , half - split wall . Besides , the dancers kept making excursions into the living room , often bending provocatively above our table . But we didn 't pay any attention to them and kept talking , focused on the subject of our conversation . M : Zbyszek and Beata . I had met Zbyszek two or three days earlier , on the evening I arrived to West Berlin , and Beata I met for the first time during the New Year 's Eve party , though I had heard about her from Andrzej and Wanda . They told me she knew me from Wroclaw , but only from the stage , and was madly in love with me . I , of course , didn 't take that kind of talk seriously . Nevertheless , at the end of the New Year 's Eve party , when all the guests had already left , and those who were sleeping in the house had already disappeared into the back rooms , Beata sat next to me on the couch in the living room , the place of my temporary bedroom , and didn 't leave . I chatted with her politely , and then it was time to go to sleep . The day was breaking and no one else was awake but Beata and I . I said nothing , just looked at her sitting motionlessly on the edge of the couch in silence . It was enough to reach for her and she would be mine . But I hesitated for a reason that she had not the slightest idea about . I knew her mother , Lena , personally , for years in the past . She was a good friend of my girlfriend Gertruda , the singer from the Musical Theater with whom I was going out when I was a dancer there , in the years 1972 - 3 . Lena became my friend too and I liked her a lot . Beata knew her mother and I were friends . But she didn 't know that I had slept with her mother . M : It was not a big deal . Once her mother lured me to her apartment , on some pretext of a glass of wine or something else , and seduced me . In fact , I had seen Beata at that time but she did not see me . M : She was already asleep when her mother and I arrived to the house . It was something like nine or ten p . m . After we arrived , Lena brought me to her room and said , " Let me first check on my child if she is already asleep and then we will have a drink . " As she said , she went to the Beata 's room to check on her . A moment later she came back and said , " Do you want to see my child ? " So we went to Beata 's room , and her mother showed me her sleeping in bed . I saw her in the light coming from the open door because Lena did not want to turn the bedroom light on and wake Beata . It was a bit dark , but I could see her . I clearly recognized that she was still a child and yet already becoming a woman . M : I don 't know , it seemed as if it were spontaneous . She became affectionate with her daughter and wanted to share it with me . She was saying things like , " Look at her , isn 't she a darling ? " " Yes , she is , " I answered ( what else I could say . ) Then she continued , " My most precious treasure , my Beata , Beatka , Beaciunia , Beaciunieczka . " She poured a litany of affectionate diminutive names that are only possible to derive in the Polish langue . M : It was only a one - night - stand . And yet , six or seven years later , I had scruples to sleep with her daughter , as if it were a taboo engrained in my mind . The memory of her mother haunted me . I could not help but compare those two . They were so different . Lena was a tall and slim blond woman with a long pair of stunning legs . She had the elegant carriage of a high - class model . But Beata was a rather short , dark - haired girl with beautiful , almond - shaped large eyes and a sensual curvy body . Her large but firm breasts were particularly sexy . I was always impressed with the stunning appearance and classy carriage of Beata 's mother , but I wasn 't attracted to her . Anyway , she was too old for me . When we had sex , she was thirty - five , which was an old cow for a twenty - two or three years old boy ( as I was then ) . But Beata , she was just right for me , a 20 - 21 year old girl to whom I was attracted at once . She did stir my senses . And now she was sitting next to me , waiting , available . But I was hesitating while thinking about her mother . How absurd . I realized it and got over it . It was time . I sensed that Beata was getting impatient . So I reached for her and touched her . She turned toward me and we kissed . " Let 's open the couch , " she said . And we did , and we had sex , and we slept together until noon the next day . It was New Year 's Day , 1982 . When we woke up the house was empty and there was a note for us on the table , " We 've gone for a walk at the lake in Tegel . Please , join us out there , if you wish . " There were also directions how to get there . So we drove to the lake and met with the others at the assigned place . The lake was frozen . We walked on the ice . Zbyszek , who was a very good acrobat , made a double aerial somersault on the ice to showoff . But slipped , fell on his back , and broke his arm . M : He had to stay in the hospital for a week or two . Beata , knowing that I had no privacy in Andrzej 's house , asked Zbyszek if I could stay in his place during that time . Zbyszek gladly agreed . It was as if fate had ordained it so I could have better comfort . M : There was not enough space for me in Andrzej 's apartment . There was no extra room for me there . I slept on the couch in the living room , which was fine for a day or two . But after that I felt crowded and had a hard time enduring people around me all the time . I desperately needed to be alone , at least for a few hours a day . It 's the way I 'm made : partly a loner and partly a social creature . You see ? Zbyszek breaking his arm was not a coincidence . M : A week or so . Zbyszek came back from the hospital earlier than he was supposed to . His arm was in a cast . The first thing he did was to throw a big party . So , my privacy was over . However in the meantime , I had obtained the legal status of a refugee in the emigration office , which allowed me to temporarily stay in Germany . It entitled me to get welfare benefits , but it didn 't allow me to work . M : It was enough to pay the bills : rent , utilities , groceries , clothes , transportation , and there was even some money for entertainment . Besides that , the social welfare covered the expenses for basic material goods , such as furniture , utensils , television , radio , and so on . Whatever was considered the basic standard of living , the recipient was entitled to obtain within certain limits . It was enough to sustain oneself without stress but without going overboard . M : I rented a studio apartment in the same building where Zbyszek lived . It was already furnished and had all necessary appliances . It was a simple but comfortable and esthetically pleasing place . It had a modern feel , a bit impersonal as if it were a hotel . I moved there sometime in the second week of January , and from that point , I was entirely on my own . M : Well , I found myself often alone in my apartment . There wasn 't much intensive social life . Occasionally , yes , but somehow it died . The high spirit , the euphoria , had died among my Polish friends , and they weren 't into partying anymore . And if so it didn 't fly . M : It was a drawback for a long time to come . Most of us thought it would be forever . It was all beginning to look hopeless and people were losing heart for the cause . So our gatherings stopped to make sense . There was no more common ground . For a while we tried to pretend that the cause was still alive , but it was forced . So , it died naturally . People realized that and gave up . Anyway , they had to face their own existential predicaments of survival , to think of their own future . M : I don 't know who they were . They were " they " because they had no personal but collective identity . " They " were the anonymous evil force of the totalitarian society . They were the faceless monster . M : My sister wrote me that only a few weeks after I defected to the West , a man from the WPT showed up at my apartment and wanted to move in . He had the legitimate papers . It was a deed issued in his name as the new owner of my condo . Can you imagine that ? M : Because it was very difficult to evict someone with the permanent resident status , as my sister had . It was almost impossible unless the state provided a substitute apartment for her . So , I suppose he realized that it was going to be messy and didn 't want to go through with it . I talked with him about it after something like twenty years , during a visit to Poland . He admitted that he got my apartment from the Department of Culture and was intending to move there . But when he opened the door and saw that my sister lived there , he had a change of heart . So he backed off and gave up this apartment . He said , that because he gave up my apartment , the Department of Culture never offered him another one . M : No , they did not . But my family had to fight for it . My sister asked me to write a letter to the housing cooperative stating that I did not leave Poland permanently and was going to return soon . So I did . I don 't know if my letter ultimately helped or not , anyway it would have been a short - lived lie , but it would give my sister time to delay the eventual eviction . Fortunately , one year later or so , the regime abandoned the practice of taking away apartments from dissidents who lived abroad due to international pressure against the violation of human rights , and my sister never was evicted . M : Yes , it was . It made me fully realize that I had irreversibly lost everything and there was no way back . This letter symbolizes for me a point of no return . I had nothing to come back for . I had to start my life anew . M : One day , when I was alone within the four walls of my apartment and was getting a bit , or rather a lot , lonely and was starting to get that emigrational anxiety about being stuck in limbo , which was rather new for me and , I must admit , hard to take , the phone rang . It was Andrzej Wieckowski . He said that someone from Transformtheater called for me at his house to inquire if I 'd be interested to teach movement and mime classes for them . I said , " I would . " Then I asked Andrzej what kind of theater it was and how they found out about me . But Andrzej didn 't know much . He said that someone recommended me and the theater was in Kreuzberg , an alternative arts district in town . I was a bit uncertain , wondering if it was the right theater for me . But Andrzej told me not to worry in advance . " We 'll go there and see , " he said . So I agreed . We went inside . According to the directions , we were to take an elevator to the fourth floor . There was only a freight elevator . So we guessed it might be it and took it . And yes , it was it . When we got to the fourth floor the director of the theater was already waiting for us at the door . We didn 't know anything about him at this point and were surprised when he greeted us cordially in Polish , introduced himself as Henryk Baranowski and told us that he was originally from Poland . Afterward he led us to a very large room that evidently was once a warehouse or factory space but now was almost empty . There was a group of twenty - five to thirty actors sitting in a few rows of chairs and benches far in the depth of the room . It was rather dark . Only when we approached them , could I see them more distinctly . They were young people , most of them were in their twenties , a few in their early thirties . Henryk Baranowski brought us in front of the actors and quickly introduced us . From that point on Andrzej Wieckowski , who was serving as my translator , took over . He did the introductory talking . And he went on and on . Although I didn 't understand German , I understood enough to know that Andrzej was shamelessly complimenting the WPT and me . I heard those superlatives , such as the best avant - garde movement theater in the world , famous around the world , the tours and festivals , the accolades and honors , and me , the master in mime - acting , the exceptional star , and so on . I could feel myself turning red out of shame - I never took flattery well . Thank god that it was dark in there and no one could see it . Anyway , on top of that I noticed unusual motion among the German actors . They were leaning toward each other in a chain reaction , whispering something to each other 's ears , and then pointing discreetly toward me . What is it all about ? I wondered . Then I saw that a few of them were debating together , figuring something out , and then one of them stood up , approached me , and pointed out that I was standing with one foot in an ash - pan . And I really was . There was a small , metal coal stove . It was a bit chilly in there , so I had stood close to the stove and stepped into the ash - pan , which was full of ashes , and had been standing in it the entire time Andrzej was talking . Curiously , when the German actor pointed out to me that I was standing in the ash - pan , Andrzej was so enwrapped in his brilliant speech that he didn 't notice anything and kept talking . The German actors were laughing ; Andrzej didn 't know why . He thought maybe there was something funny in his speech . Then he suspected that something was going on behind his back , but whenever he looked at me I stopped fooling around , and whenever he turned back to the audience I made mimic and / or gestural comments regarding his exalted speech on my behalf . But I was only picking up on some selective words , not understanding the rest , which made it even funnier , I suspect , because at this point the German actors were rolling with laughter . M : No , I never had . But I was taking movement and mime classes on a daily basis in the WPT for many years . Besides , I was an exercise freak , doing them often on my own . So , I was ready to do it . It was just a matter of putting myself in the role of the teacher : instead of following I had to lead . I prepared a plan for a class , a syllabus , and went for it . M : It was terribly rushed . I got so buzzed up that the program for the class , which should have been plenty for over an hour , I completed in forty minutes , maybe forty - five . I was doing everything very fast . The students were impressed with the class but they wanted more . I thought that it was enough for the first time . And really it was . If they had done those exercises as precisely as I did , they would have had plenty . But they didn 't . They were dilettantes in movement at that point . So they were faking it , even though they didn 't know it because they did not know the difference . In that way , of course , you can go three hours , and that was what they wanted . After the class , the director , Henryk Baranowski , told me , " You know , some teachers do the classes even for three hours . " M : Yes , I was also teaching acrobatics and even some ballet classes . But those were supporting classes for general physical development . Whereas the plastic exercises were the formal base of the movement technique I was teaching . I taught them often along with mime and movement improvisations , so the actors had the benefit of learning how to utilize those exercises artistically . M : First I was teaching only the actors from the Transformtheater . Then I was also teaching classes and workshops in the acting studio open to the public . There I had a variety of students . |
M : After seeing the company members to the bus and shaking their hands goodbye , I was still standing there on the side of the road , waiting until the bus drove away . After the door closed behind the last passenger , the bus immediately took off . It was as if they were in a hurry . I waved to them and some people waved back through the windows . The waving lasted only a short moment because the bus accelerated very quickly and drove away . After two or three hundred yards , it went around a curve in the road and disappeared from my view . They were gone ! I was looking at an empty road but was seeing the absence of the bus . It was my last impression of them . It was like an apparition or phantasm - I saw what was not there anymore . The emptiness that was left after them got stuck in me and haunted me as an unwanted secret . I couldn 't shake it off . M : I guess it was a taxi , or , wait , there were two other people in the car : besides the driver , there was someone seated in the front passenger seat . It could have been Joachim Landgraf , our German impresario . I think it was he . M : When he found out that I had defected , he came to my hotel room - it was late at night , before the company left ( they left the next morning ) - and he talked with me about what I was up to . He asked me , " Christopher , I heard that you are not going back to Poland because of the proclamation of the martial law there . Is it true ? " " No , I don 't , " I answered sparsely but was thinking , how can I have a plan ? I didn 't plan it . The communist regime in Poland that proclaimed martial law planned it for me . I only reacted . It was not a planned but a spontaneous defection . M : There was a rumor , probably spread by the management of the company , that our German impresario , Landgraf , was against any political protests by the members because he had a lot of business with East Europe bringing theater companies on commercial tours to West Europe . He was afraid that any political upheaval could ruin his business relationship with the East . At least , that was the notion circulating in the company . So , I was suspicious that Landgraf had come to my room to sway me to go back to Poland with the company . This suspiciousness was in my mind while I talked with him , and I think it showed . I think he noticed it . He suddenly realized that he was cornering me too much and that I was putting him off . So , he stepped back and quieted his voice . " In case you change your mind , " he continued shortly , " and choose to stay here , in West Germany , I want to you to know that you can stay in this hotel as long as it takes , until you settle on your own . I will cover all the expenses . Or , if you prefer , you can stay in my house in Munich ( I think he said , Munich ) with me and my wife . She will like that , " he added , ' be my guest . " " Oh , thank you very much to offer your hospitality . It is really very nice of you . I did not expect that . But I think that I 've already made up my mind to go to West Berlin and will stick with it , " I refused as politely as possible . Then he asked me how I was going to get to West Berlin and I told him I was going by train . He asked me if I already had a ticket and when I told him no , he immediately offered to arrange my trip to West Berlin and to pay for my ticket . That was more or less my conversation with the German Impresario . M : I was traveling to West Berlin in an almost empty train . For a few hours , I didn 't see a living soul . I was entirely on my own , sitting alone in the compartment . I thought it was great because I needed a moment or two of solitude to collect my thoughts after the previous two weeks of political upheaval with the company that had drained me . After all , politics were not my thing ; I was not in my element . So , I felt relief that it was over , and I didn 't have to deal with it anymore . Even the German impresario , the last link with the company , was gone . There were no more strings attached . I was totally detached . I was free as a bird . What a liberating feeling it was ! But it didn 't last long . Man is not supposed to be entirely free . M : At a certain point I stepped out of the compartment into the train corridor , stood near the open window , and smoked a cigarette . Suddenly I had a vision . I saw my past in an instance . The most peculiar thing about this vision was that it appeared not in my mind , but on the sky . M : Yes , on the sky . I mean it literally . Suddenly the dark , gray sky opened with light and in it appeared my past life as if painted in an old medieval painting . M : At first it was a grandiose vision , all in light and rich colors , and then the vision began to disappear , quickly going away and diminishing . Finally , it vanished entirely from my view and the sky closed behind it . It was gone . I felt that my past was gone forever and that I had lost everything I had . I realized in that moment that I would never return to Poland and the life I had there . It was an awful feeling . What have I done ? I thought . I looked again to the sky just above the horizon behind where the vision had vanished . There were only gray , heavy clouds , as if it were going to rain . There was no sign of any vision anymore . So , I let it go . M : No , I was not thinking in those terms . I was just disturbed by the vision I had . Then I felt terribly alienated . When I looked outside the window , the landscape looked dark and gloomy , which is typical for that time of the year . It was the last week of December , a wet winter that is usually without snow in that part of the country . I had seen it many times before while on tours with the WPT and didn 't give a damn about it . But this time it got to me . The landscape looked unappealing . I kept looking at it trying to find something inviting out there . That was what I badly needed - a sign . But nothing was inviting ; everything in the landscape felt hostile . I am sure it was a subjective impression , but it was what I felt . It scared me and I almost panicked . But then , in the moment that I was about to fly or run or jump out the window , a familiar young man emerged from one of the compartments . He was an actor from the WPT who had also defected . I don 't remember his name now . Anyway , I hardly knew him - he had only been in the company a few months . I had no chance to talk with him before . We were almost strangers . Nevertheless , he approached me and started to chat . " How are you ? " " Fine , " " Where are you going ? " and so on . Bizarrely , I suddenly felt responsible to take care of this young man as an older colleague . I became very friendly , asking questions with concern about whether he had place to stay . Of course he had , not only that , he had family in West Berlin . So he was set . When we exhausted the factual conversation about our survival , I didn 't know what to talk about with him further . That 's right , we did not know each other . For some reason I felt guilty about it , but had nothing more to say . There came this uncomfortable silence between us . " I better get back to my compartment , " he said . And added to justify , " The train is getting close to West Berlin . We are getting off soon . " " Sure , " I said . " Take care and so on . " Before we departed , I gave him the phone number where he could reach me in West Berlin and encouraged him to call me to keep in touch or , even more so , if he needed anything . In return , he gave me his phone number . When in Berlin , I called him once . That was it . I never saw him again . M : When I arrived , Andrzej Wieckowski , my friend , was waiting for me at the railway station with a bunch of people , something like about ten or twelve of them . They had all come to welcome me . It was terribly nice of them to do that . I didn 't know those people and they came to welcome me . When I was getting off the train , they were already standing on the platform and enthusiastically waving their hands . When I came down the platform , they surrounded me and greeted me as if I were an especially awaited guest . It was incredible . I was not expecting that . They were treating me like a star . M : They were all Polish refugees ; they were Andrzej 's friends and acquaintances . He gathered them for the occasion of my arrival . They made an event of it . Welcoming me at the railway station was only the prelude . Later that evening , there was a banquet on my behalf in Andrzej 's house . We all drove there in two cars . And that ride was something most memorable . M : On the way we stopped in some place and picked up a few more people , and then we continued to Andrzej 's house in the two cars . It was a long drive , half an hour to forty minutes . Suddenly the other car caught up with us and hit our car on the side while passing . I felt a big jolt , and our car was knocked off its path a bit , but the driver managed to stay on the road and to regain full control . Okay , I got it . It was sort of a game , a strange game of bumping into each other . They kept doing it during the entire ride . Next , it was our car hitting theirs , and so on . It went on and on , hitting from the sides , hitting from behind , blocking the way of the other car , pushing to the side . It was crazy . " They will fix it themselves , " Andrzej explained . " Michal is a mechanic , and the other one is a professional racecar driver . They have their own repair shop . " " Damn it , they could kill us , " I thought but said nothing . It would be totally unbecoming . I sensed that . They all were into this reckless game of bumping and smashing each other . There was something anarchic about it . They were getting nihilistic excitement out of it , out of those acts of destruction . I sensed it was an act of liberation for them , or a strange form of therapy , or both . M : They were all refugees from Poland . They were wrecks . The cars bumping and smashing were reflecting their state of mind . It was symbolic . What it was exactly , that anarchic or nihilistic impulse in them , I don 't know how to fully explain it , but it made sense to me . It is why I was not protesting more firmly while they were doing it . The thrill was in taking risk . The liberation , in breaking things , as if saying , it doesn 't matter , my life is wrecked anyway . Our lives were wrecked because the communist military regime had crushed the society , what did it matter to crash a few cars ? M : When we arrived at the parking lot on the front of Andrzej 's apartment building , they parked the cars next to each other and we got out . The drivers checked the damage and calmly discussed what would be the best way to fix it . One car needed an urgent repair because its back fender was falling off , so one of the drivers took that car immediately to the garage . The rest of us went to Andrzej 's apartment , which was on a very high floor ; I don 't remember exactly which floor it was . It was quite a nice and spacious three - bedroom apartment with a large living and dining room . " How did he get it ? " I wondered . He is only a few months in the West and already has an apartment four times bigger than the one he had in Poland . And it was already fully furnished . Andrzej lived there with his family : Wanda , his wife , and Milek , his son . When we arrived , there were already some people waiting for us , and some more were coming . It was a great party . People were open , friendly , and somehow euphoric . M : They were euphoric because they were free . Almost all of them were more or less recent refugees from Poland who had been lucky to be out of the country when martial law was proclaimed on December 13th 1981 , which was just two weeks before we gathered in Andrzej 's house . It was all fresh . We didn 't even know much about what was going on in Poland because both communication and transportation were cut off by the regime . There was some news via unofficial channels that stated that almost all the leaders and activist of the solidarity movement were arrested and detained and / or imprisoned somewhere . But where and what was going to happen with them , we didn 't know . This unknown created a suspense of anticipated horrors and an atmosphere of suspicion . We did know that the military had taken control over the country and were imposing marital law : there were military patrols and tanks on the streets . We also heard there were some fights but didn 't know any details . Though we knew that the opposition was crushed , there was still hope that the opposition would stand up to the regime and overthrow the monster . That was our wish . People were acting as if they still had faith and the fight was not over yet , though I don 't remember exactly how much in it was the political evaluation of the situation and how much was just the attitude of unbroken spirits , which we still were then . We were free and on the loose , the euphoria was the result of getting drunk with newly gained freedom . People felt lucky not to be in Poland at that time . M : Euphoria was an antidote to anxiety . The louder we laughed and screamed , the less we heard our worries . We did not want to hear them . We did not want to have fear . M : We were talking a bit about politics , about the situation in Poland - people were saying what they knew and wondering about what they didn 't . Those conversations were a matter of facts and when the facts were exhausted , there was nothing more to say . People also talked about how they left or escaped or defected from Poland and how long they were already in the West . They wanted to hear my story , so I told them . In fact , I told my story a few times because people were coming and going . Later on came a group of three men who were Polish Solidarity activists in West Berlin . They were very interested in my defection story and the situation in the WPT and suggested that I should go public with it in the German mass media - radio , TV , newspapers . They offered to arrange the interviews . I declined telling them that I was not into politics . They said , " It doesn 't matter ; that 's even better ! You would be a more credible voice ! " " We need someone like you and your defection story right now . It will make big news . Can you imagine the headline : the leading actor of the WPT has defected while on tour in Germany in protest against the proclamation of martial law in Poland ? " one of them asked me . " We will talk about it later , " another activist said . And we dropped the subject for the time being . The party went on and I had a tremendously good time . M : Just talking and playing with people . Not about politics anymore but all other things . A lot of joking - I relaxed and was having fun performing on the spot . It was hilarious . At midnight someone reminded us that it was late , that it was time to end the party because , as Andrzej justified , it was only a prelude to the New Year 's Eve party that was coming in two days . So , with that notion , namely , to save our energy for the New Year 's Eve celebration , we dispersed . The guests went home and Andrzej , his family and I went to bed . I slept in the living room on a foldout couch . The next day I got a phone call from a radio station . They wanted to conduct an interview with me about my defection . I turned them down . Throughout the next two weeks or so I received a few more propositions to give interviews about my defection . They were from some newspapers , another radio station , and a TV station . Each time I declined . M : Yes , I already realized that while telling my story during the party . It stirred suspicion about why the WPT didn 't make a political statement in face of the proclamation of martial law . People were speculating on which side was the management of the WPT : the communist regime or the Solidarity movement . M : I didn 't know . They didn 't declare their political position at all . It seemed to me at that time that they were on neither side . At least , that was their official policy . M : During the party , which took place in the Andrzej 's apartment , a young couple that was entirely naked entered the dance floor , which was arranged in the dining room , and danced the tango . They danced spectacularly . Notwithstanding , some of the guests , in particular , the Germans , were supposedly offended by the stark nakedness of the dancers and left the party outraged by the Poles ' scandalous behavior . At least that 's what I heard ; I didn 't see the Germans leaving the house . Anyway , they could have left because it was already late , something like two in the morning . M : They behaved as if dancing a tango naked was something quite ordinary . They pretended that they didn 't notice it . All of those Poles were so hip . To make an issue about it would be very unbecoming . It was obvious that the naked dance was a provocation , that the young couple tried to shock us . But we wouldn 't fall for it . We 'd already seen it all . Nakedness ? Who cared ? We were the generation of the seventies in which every second avant - garde theater production or happening had nakedness in it . And yet , not noticing it was unnatural . I remember I was sitting around the table with a bunch of people in the living room talking . The naked dancers were well in our view because the living and the dining room were joined together with a half - open , half - split wall . Besides , the dancers kept making excursions into the living room , often bending provocatively above our table . But we didn 't pay any attention to them and kept talking , focused on the subject of our conversation . M : Zbyszek and Beata . I had met Zbyszek two or three days earlier , on the evening I arrived to West Berlin , and Beata I met for the first time during the New Year 's Eve party , though I had heard about her from Andrzej and Wanda . They told me she knew me from Wroclaw , but only from the stage , and was madly in love with me . I , of course , didn 't take that kind of talk seriously . Nevertheless , at the end of the New Year 's Eve party , when all the guests had already left , and those who were sleeping in the house had already disappeared into the back rooms , Beata sat next to me on the couch in the living room , the place of my temporary bedroom , and didn 't leave . I chatted with her politely , and then it was time to go to sleep . The day was breaking and no one else was awake but Beata and I . I said nothing , just looked at her sitting motionlessly on the edge of the couch in silence . It was enough to reach for her and she would be mine . But I hesitated for a reason that she had not the slightest idea about . I knew her mother , Lena , personally , for years in the past . She was a good friend of my girlfriend Gertruda , the singer from the Musical Theater with whom I was going out when I was a dancer there , in the years 1972 - 3 . Lena became my friend too and I liked her a lot . Beata knew her mother and I were friends . But she didn 't know that I had slept with her mother . M : It was not a big deal . Once her mother lured me to her apartment , on some pretext of a glass of wine or something else , and seduced me . In fact , I had seen Beata at that time but she did not see me . M : She was already asleep when her mother and I arrived to the house . It was something like nine or ten p . m . After we arrived , Lena brought me to her room and said , " Let me first check on my child if she is already asleep and then we will have a drink . " As she said , she went to the Beata 's room to check on her . A moment later she came back and said , " Do you want to see my child ? " So we went to Beata 's room , and her mother showed me her sleeping in bed . I saw her in the light coming from the open door because Lena did not want to turn the bedroom light on and wake Beata . It was a bit dark , but I could see her . I clearly recognized that she was still a child and yet already becoming a woman . M : I don 't know , it seemed as if it were spontaneous . She became affectionate with her daughter and wanted to share it with me . She was saying things like , " Look at her , isn 't she a darling ? " " Yes , she is , " I answered ( what else I could say . ) Then she continued , " My most precious treasure , my Beata , Beatka , Beaciunia , Beaciunieczka . " She poured a litany of affectionate diminutive names that are only possible to derive in the Polish langue . M : It was only a one - night - stand . And yet , six or seven years later , I had scruples to sleep with her daughter , as if it were a taboo engrained in my mind . The memory of her mother haunted me . I could not help but compare those two . They were so different . Lena was a tall and slim blond woman with a long pair of stunning legs . She had the elegant carriage of a high - class model . But Beata was a rather short , dark - haired girl with beautiful , almond - shaped large eyes and a sensual curvy body . Her large but firm breasts were particularly sexy . I was always impressed with the stunning appearance and classy carriage of Beata 's mother , but I wasn 't attracted to her . Anyway , she was too old for me . When we had sex , she was thirty - five , which was an old cow for a twenty - two or three years old boy ( as I was then ) . But Beata , she was just right for me , a 20 - 21 year old girl to whom I was attracted at once . She did stir my senses . And now she was sitting next to me , waiting , available . But I was hesitating while thinking about her mother . How absurd . I realized it and got over it . It was time . I sensed that Beata was getting impatient . So I reached for her and touched her . She turned toward me and we kissed . " Let 's open the couch , " she said . And we did , and we had sex , and we slept together until noon the next day . It was New Year 's Day , 1982 . When we woke up the house was empty and there was a note for us on the table , " We 've gone for a walk at the lake in Tegel . Please , join us out there , if you wish . " There were also directions how to get there . So we drove to the lake and met with the others at the assigned place . The lake was frozen . We walked on the ice . Zbyszek , who was a very good acrobat , made a double aerial somersault on the ice to showoff . But slipped , fell on his back , and broke his arm . M : He had to stay in the hospital for a week or two . Beata , knowing that I had no privacy in Andrzej 's house , asked Zbyszek if I could stay in his place during that time . Zbyszek gladly agreed . It was as if fate had ordained it so I could have better comfort . M : There was not enough space for me in Andrzej 's apartment . There was no extra room for me there . I slept on the couch in the living room , which was fine for a day or two . But after that I felt crowded and had a hard time enduring people around me all the time . I desperately needed to be alone , at least for a few hours a day . It 's the way I 'm made : partly a loner and partly a social creature . You see ? Zbyszek breaking his arm was not a coincidence . M : A week or so . Zbyszek came back from the hospital earlier than he was supposed to . His arm was in a cast . The first thing he did was to throw a big party . So , my privacy was over . However in the meantime , I had obtained the legal status of a refugee in the emigration office , which allowed me to temporarily stay in Germany . It entitled me to get welfare benefits , but it didn 't allow me to work . M : It was enough to pay the bills : rent , utilities , groceries , clothes , transportation , and there was even some money for entertainment . Besides that , the social welfare covered the expenses for basic material goods , such as furniture , utensils , television , radio , and so on . Whatever was considered the basic standard of living , the recipient was entitled to obtain within certain limits . It was enough to sustain oneself without stress but without going overboard . M : I rented a studio apartment in the same building where Zbyszek lived . It was already furnished and had all necessary appliances . It was a simple but comfortable and esthetically pleasing place . It had a modern feel , a bit impersonal as if it were a hotel . I moved there sometime in the second week of January , and from that point , I was entirely on my own . M : Well , I found myself often alone in my apartment . There wasn 't much intensive social life . Occasionally , yes , but somehow it died . The high spirit , the euphoria , had died among my Polish friends , and they weren 't into partying anymore . And if so it didn 't fly . M : It was a drawback for a long time to come . Most of us thought it would be forever . It was all beginning to look hopeless and people were losing heart for the cause . So our gatherings stopped to make sense . There was no more common ground . For a while we tried to pretend that the cause was still alive , but it was forced . So , it died naturally . People realized that and gave up . Anyway , they had to face their own existential predicaments of survival , to think of their own future . M : I don 't know who they were . They were " they " because they had no personal but collective identity . " They " were the anonymous evil force of the totalitarian society . They were the faceless monster . M : My sister wrote me that only a few weeks after I defected to the West , a man from the WPT showed up at my apartment and wanted to move in . He had the legitimate papers . It was a deed issued in his name as the new owner of my condo . Can you imagine that ? M : Because it was very difficult to evict someone with the permanent resident status , as my sister had . It was almost impossible unless the state provided a substitute apartment for her . So , I suppose he realized that it was going to be messy and didn 't want to go through with it . I talked with him about it after something like twenty years , during a visit to Poland . He admitted that he got my apartment from the Department of Culture and was intending to move there . But when he opened the door and saw that my sister lived there , he had a change of heart . So he backed off and gave up this apartment . He said , that because he gave up my apartment , the Department of Culture never offered him another one . M : No , they did not . But my family had to fight for it . My sister asked me to write a letter to the housing cooperative stating that I did not leave Poland permanently and was going to return soon . So I did . I don 't know if my letter ultimately helped or not , anyway it would have been a short - lived lie , but it would give my sister time to delay the eventual eviction . Fortunately , one year later or so , the regime abandoned the practice of taking away apartments from dissidents who lived abroad due to international pressure against the violation of human rights , and my sister never was evicted . M : Yes , it was . It made me fully realize that I had irreversibly lost everything and there was no way back . This letter symbolizes for me a point of no return . I had nothing to come back for . I had to start my life anew . M : One day , when I was alone within the four walls of my apartment and was getting a bit , or rather a lot , lonely and was starting to get that emigrational anxiety about being stuck in limbo , which was rather new for me and , I must admit , hard to take , the phone rang . It was Andrzej Wieckowski . He said that someone from Transformtheater called for me at his house to inquire if I 'd be interested to teach movement and mime classes for them . I said , " I would . " Then I asked Andrzej what kind of theater it was and how they found out about me . But Andrzej didn 't know much . He said that someone recommended me and the theater was in Kreuzberg , an alternative arts district in town . I was a bit uncertain , wondering if it was the right theater for me . But Andrzej told me not to worry in advance . " We 'll go there and see , " he said . So I agreed . We went inside . According to the directions , we were to take an elevator to the fourth floor . There was only a freight elevator . So we guessed it might be it and took it . And yes , it was it . When we got to the fourth floor the director of the theater was already waiting for us at the door . We didn 't know anything about him at this point and were surprised when he greeted us cordially in Polish , introduced himself as Henryk Baranowski and told us that he was originally from Poland . Afterward he led us to a very large room that evidently was once a warehouse or factory space but now was almost empty . There was a group of twenty - five to thirty actors sitting in a few rows of chairs and benches far in the depth of the room . It was rather dark . Only when we approached them , could I see them more distinctly . They were young people , most of them were in their twenties , a few in their early thirties . Henryk Baranowski brought us in front of the actors and quickly introduced us . From that point on Andrzej Wieckowski , who was serving as my translator , took over . He did the introductory talking . And he went on and on . Although I didn 't understand German , I understood enough to know that Andrzej was shamelessly complimenting the WPT and me . I heard those superlatives , such as the best avant - garde movement theater in the world , famous around the world , the tours and festivals , the accolades and honors , and me , the master in mime - acting , the exceptional star , and so on . I could feel myself turning red out of shame - I never took flattery well . Thank god that it was dark in there and no one could see it . Anyway , on top of that I noticed unusual motion among the German actors . They were leaning toward each other in a chain reaction , whispering something to each other 's ears , and then pointing discreetly toward me . What is it all about ? I wondered . Then I saw that a few of them were debating together , figuring something out , and then one of them stood up , approached me , and pointed out that I was standing with one foot in an ash - pan . And I really was . There was a small , metal coal stove . It was a bit chilly in there , so I had stood close to the stove and stepped into the ash - pan , which was full of ashes , and had been standing in it the entire time Andrzej was talking . Curiously , when the German actor pointed out to me that I was standing in the ash - pan , Andrzej was so enwrapped in his brilliant speech that he didn 't notice anything and kept talking . The German actors were laughing ; Andrzej didn 't know why . He thought maybe there was something funny in his speech . Then he suspected that something was going on behind his back , but whenever he looked at me I stopped fooling around , and whenever he turned back to the audience I made mimic and / or gestural comments regarding his exalted speech on my behalf . But I was only picking up on some selective words , not understanding the rest , which made it even funnier , I suspect , because at this point the German actors were rolling with laughter . M : No , I never had . But I was taking movement and mime classes on a daily basis in the WPT for many years . Besides , I was an exercise freak , doing them often on my own . So , I was ready to do it . It was just a matter of putting myself in the role of the teacher : instead of following I had to lead . I prepared a plan for a class , a syllabus , and went for it . M : It was terribly rushed . I got so buzzed up that the program for the class , which should have been plenty for over an hour , I completed in forty minutes , maybe forty - five . I was doing everything very fast . The students were impressed with the class but they wanted more . I thought that it was enough for the first time . And really it was . If they had done those exercises as precisely as I did , they would have had plenty . But they didn 't . They were dilettantes in movement at that point . So they were faking it , even though they didn 't know it because they did not know the difference . In that way , of course , you can go three hours , and that was what they wanted . After the class , the director , Henryk Baranowski , told me , " You know , some teachers do the classes even for three hours . " M : Yes , I was also teaching acrobatics and even some ballet classes . But those were supporting classes for general physical development . Whereas the plastic exercises were the formal base of the movement technique I was teaching . I taught them often along with mime and movement improvisations , so the actors had the benefit of learning how to utilize those exercises artistically . M : First I was teaching only the actors from the Transformtheater . Then I was also teaching classes and workshops in the acting studio open to the public . There I had a variety of students . |
Jill and Johnny were students at a university deep in the Daniel Boone National Forest in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains . After their Friday classes were over , they had decided to camp and hike for the weekend . The area is a popular hiking spot . " Now all we have left to do is hang the rope in the trees for the food and we 're finished setting up the campsite . Then we can go for a short hike before dark , " Johnny said . " Well , if it doesn 't rain . I see the lightning too but it is off in the distance . It just looks like heat lightning . Jill and Johnny were hanging a rope for food in the trees because black bears lived in the area and that was one way to possibly keep them stealing their food . Other smaller animals would also make it a feast . Lots of other , smaller animals lived in the forest as well such as raccoons and opossum that would also steal food . Jill and Johnny finished setting up their campsite . They each grabbed an apple for their hike . Johnny retrieved their fishing poles and bait as they left to hike , telling Jill they were going to catch their dinner in the little stream that ran near their camp . There was trout in that stream and Johnny could already taste it . It was delicious cooked over a campfire and they had brought all the fixins ' to go with the fish just in case they could catch a few . All of a sudden they heard a scream . Johnny turned to Jill , who had stopped dead in her tracks with her mouth open . " That sounded like a woman , " he said . Jill started to run toward the sound of the scream and Johnny followed her . They looked around everywhere and saw nothing . No people . Not another scream . Nothing . There was a cliff on the right side of their trail . They tentatively looked over the side of the cliff but saw no signs that anyone had fallen . Johnny and Jill walked slowly back to where they had dropped their tackle box and fishing poles . They decided to call 911 and let the police handle this because they didn 't know what to do next . They had no weapons on them , not even a bow and arrow . The couple went on to the stream where they planned to catch their dinner . It had turned into a partly cloudy day , but night was approaching . They baited their fishing hooks and threw them in the water . Johnny and Jill sat there in companionable silence and suddenly , Johnny had a big bite . As he pulled the fish in , he saw it wasn 't a fish at all . It was a turtle ! Neither were in the mood for a turtle for dinner . As Johnny baited his hook to try again , Jill quietly said his name . Then she said it again . When he looked at her , she nodded her head to the side . Johnny looked up and there stood a woman , covered in mud and clutching herself around her middle , tears streaming down her face . There was no fish for dinner that night , but Johnny and Jill were back at camp with the woman who had screamed and the police and paramedics . The police were out in the forest looking for the man who had pushed the woman off the cliff . The paramedics were tending to the woman . Her family , under the crescent moon , were profusely thanking the two college students for possibly saving her life . # blogpropellant # amwriting # amblogging # writing The last three weeks have been some of the most miserable of my life . I 'm sure it has shown in my writing and not always in a good way . However , one good thing about a writer going through both good and bad situations is that it gives them so much great material to write about . The crazy thing is that I have gone through exactly the same situation under basically the same circumstances with the same people at least two other times in my life . This is the third time . It seems that I never learn , doesn 't it ? That , my friends , has been true in the past . It will not be true in the future . This time , I learned a very hard , extremely painful lesson . Much more painful than the first two times . The first two times were painful enough and it took me years to recover . Why ? I 'm a sensitive and emotional person . I think that came from my dad who wore his heart on his sleeve . That made him the best dad in the world , but I 'm sure he was hurt many times . I don 't exactly wear my heart on my sleeve in most situations , but I do recognize that I can be emotionally fragile in the right ( or wrong ) situation . I was definitely in the wrong situation this time . Probably the first two times as well . I mistook flattery for something else . People should remember that words are important . Never say words that you don 't mean or that aren 't appropriate . This time , I 'm older , more fragile , less able to come back from being shattered into a million tiny pieces . This time , I was very emotionally invested and the rug was pulled out from under me in a brutal way . I never got an explanation . I 'm not assigning blame . I was as much to blame as anyone else involved . That doesn 't make the hurt go away . Until the last two days , for three weeks , I 've hardly eaten or slept . That 's what happens to me when I 'm upset about something that was as important to me as this situation was . I 've sat at my kitchen table and drank a thousand cups of tea , trying to figure it all out . I 've talked to my good friends endlessly and they have been saints on earth to put up with me . I feel like I would have lost my mind without them . I 've walked around in a daze because I 've been so distracted . I would cry and not even realize I was crying . If I could catch a couple of hours of sleep at night , I would wake up sobbing . I 've written - a lot - because nothing else much gave me any solace . I had no family to turn to - I 'm an only child and except for a few cousins I seldom hear from , my family is gone . I didn 't want to burden the couple of cousins who might actually care enough to listen . I would find myself going about my days , living in the same pattern as I did when I was involved in this situation , except there was no need now . Then , I would just cry more . Until today . Last night , for the first time in three weeks , I slept . I didn 't have nightmares . I woke up this morning and I knew it was over . The acute grief . I felt like myself again , for the first time in a long time . I knew that this time , the third time I 've let this happen to me , would be the last time . Never again . Never again would I allow myself to be involved in this situation . I was finally able to put it in a little box and store it away in a corner of my brain , hopefully to someday forget it forever . Now I don 't care what happens . I can deal with it . One of my friends told me today that I sound like the person she 'd always know and , funny , I feel like that person again . So whatever this situation , or any situation , throws at me , I can handle it . Bring it on ! I made a terrifically bad decision and mistake . But , I was not the only person involved who made a mistake and I hope the other people involved in this situation know that . So why do I have a picture of Marilyn Monroe here ? It 's complicated . She reminds me of many things , but right now , looking at her picture reminds me not to make bad decisions . Put yourself first . Don 't let yourself be used . Don 't assume anyone will take care of you but you . I want to look at this picture of her a lot right now . No sympathy please though I thank you ! Now I 'm ready to move on . At my age , there is no time to waste . I 'm going to go to the ocean . Hearing the waves and seeing the water has always soothed me . But , mainly , I want to see the ocean because I can see the horizon . I can see for miles and miles . I need that . I need to be able to see for miles and imagine what a good future is waiting for me . # amwriting # amblogging # writing # shortfiction # romance # marilynmonroe # dailyprompt Waiting on this divorce was so hard . Ana couldn 't wait until the property settlement was worked out and it was all finally in motion . That hadn 't happened yet . Now her soon - to - be ex - husband was outside mowing the yard . He was not really supposed to be on the property and now , on top of that , someone was knocking at the door . Ana went to the door . Her husband was standing there . " Ana , I need to come in , cool off , and get a drink of water . It 's hot out here , " Walter said , her husband . Ana , being a kind soul , lets Walter inside . Instead of walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water , Walter walked straight to the living room and the silver chest . He reached in , took the small silver chest out , and started to walk outside . Ana said , " Walter , I inherited that silver . That is not yours . Don 't you dare think you can remove that from this house . " Walter tried to grab it from her again . Walter didn 't leave . Instead , he started taunting the two women . Calling Ana names . Saying terrible things . Marcia immediately called the police and they didn 't take long to show up . There must have been a cruiser in the area . A male and female police officer exited the cruiser and Ana went outside and told the officers what had happened , over Walter 's screams and insults . Ana felt her temper about to explode as she had been through a lot with Walter already , during the course of the separation . She was trying to keep her emotions in check and having a hard time doing it . The male officer took Walter aside to talk to him as the female officer talked to Ana . There was a restraining order against Walter . He wasn 't even supposed to be there , let alone removing property from the house . The officer 's told Walter to leave and Ana to go inside the house . Before Walter left , he continued to scream insults at Ana . Ana was about to explode and the female officer could tell . She had her hand on Ana 's arm . Finally , Walter said the wrong thing before the officer 's could get him off the property . He screamed insults about Ana 's family and the fact she had inherited a number of items from them . This was a sensitive subject between them as Ana 's family had always been good to Walter and loved him . It was enough to cause Ana 's temper to finally blow . Suddenly , Ana did not care that two police officers were standing in the yard with she and Walter . She saw the metal gas can on the lawn right next to her and she picked it up and swung it at Walter 's head . Not once , but twice . Had Walter not ducked , she would have hit him with it . All the while , Ana was returning the screaming insults at Walter as he began to call her a crazy whore . He had pushed her too far . Walter was sent away with a warning not to come back on the property while he was under the restraining order . Ana was warned , by a giggling female police officer , not to assault her husband no matter how tempting it was . Everyone went to their respective corners . As Ana and Marcia tried to relax that evening by reading and watching television , they could hear Walter 's motorcycle circling and circling the block . Ana thought of her silver and decided to sleep with it under her bed . # amwriting # amblogging # writing # romance # divorce # blogpropellant Josh and April , after reading the script for The Play : The Power of Magic , decided something was wrong . It didn 't seem complete . They decided to send it back to the theatre department 's scriptwriters , make some suggestions , and ask their opinions . Two days passed and it was getting close to time to try to find actors for the play . Josh and April were getting nervous . Then , the scriptwriter 's sent back the script and they were in agreement . They expanded the script with some changes . Josh explains the revised script . He tells April that Rachael did , indeed help give Peter back his youth with her magic for a little while . But no man would be content with regaining his youth just for a little while . The scriptwriter 's realized that was the flaw in the script . Instead , it continued like this : The reason the fantasy only last for a little while was because Peter was also involved with a woman named Prissy . One of the main reasons Peter felt old was because Prissy made him feel old with her judgmental attitude and her criticisms of him . Prissy was a woman old before her time and wanted to control every aspect of Peter 's life . Peter thought he needed Prissy . Usually , there is a reason a man stays with such a woman . We all have flaws and , in Peter 's case , his flaw caused him to stay with Prissy - his need for the security that money brought . Prissy came from a wealthy family and she had the money , together with Peter 's money , to allow them to do whatever they wanted , including the travel that Peter loved . Peter had traded his freedom and basic happiness for money and the temporary pleasure it brought him . In turn , he had to bow to Prissy . Peter had known Rachael and her magic fairy dust for many years . Somehow , they had never quite connected . This time , Rachael could help Peter regain his youth and vitality and they rediscovered the love they had once known and had even almost once acted on . That magic wand was powerful . Peter and Rachael reconnected in a way neither ever knew was possible through the magic wand and fairy dust . They fell deeply in love . Despite the love between them , sometimes love is not enough . They had to come back down to earth and Peter realized that Rachael did not have the financial resources that Prissy did . Their combined money would not have taken them as far . When Prissy found out about the relationship between Peter and Rachael , she threatened to take it all away from Peter . He bowed to the pressure , thinking he valued money and travel more than he valued love . Even Rachael 's magic fairy dust , magic wand , magnet , smiling face , and other tools of the magic trade could not compete with the almighty dollar . A tragedy did indeed occur . Peter went back to Prissy and cut off all contact with Rachael . Rachael 's heart was broken as were her magic powers . The fairy dust would never be used again . The magic wand and magnet were dumped in an old chest in the attic . Rachael went back to her life , alone , as she couldn 't love anyone but Peter . Peter had promised her , the last night they were together , that he would always be in her life . He was gone . Her love was gone . # blogpropellant # amwriting # amblogging # writing # fantasy # NecessaryFic # shortstorymag # shortfiction8 " It 's a fantasy come - to - life with a little magic , " Josh says . Let me tell you about the script . It 's a one - act play . Peter is a middle - aged man who is feeling old . He 's happy in his life and has some fun but not always the fun he likes to have . He doesn 't smile much . Rachael is a middle - aged woman who has never felt old . She smiles all the time and has a secret . She believes in magic . Especially when it comes to Peter , who she has always loved . Peter is drawn to her as by a magnet because she helps him feel not so old anymore . He doesn 't know about her magic wand that sprinkles fairy dust along his path to help him . Rachael examines Peter and his life with her magic magnifing glass . She sees a man who has lost some of his self - confidence , his quick smile , and the twinkle in his eyes . He 's become convinced he needs someone to lean on . as the clock ticks down on his life . Rachael doesn 't believe any of that . A tragedy befalls Peter and Rachael . Rachael learns of the tragedy through a letter . Fantasies always come to an end even though Peter and Rachael planned for this one to last a lifetime . Rachael 's love for Peter will never come to an end . # blogpropellant # amwriting # amblogging # writing # fantasy # NecessaryFic # shortstorymag # shortfiction8 Hannah hears the television blaring in her living room . It seems to reverberate in her head and the words don 't even register . She craves silence . Not all the time . But can 't she convince her husband that silence first thing in the morning is necessary for her mental health ? Who wants to hear the talking heads on cable television at 6 a . m . ? Fortunately for Hannah , her husband usually sleeps late and she gets up fairly early . It 's been this way since they retired . She can usually , but not always , grab a couple of hours of precious silence before he gets out of bed and she treasures that time . This morning is not one of those mornings and she feels like she is going to scream . To make it worse , her husband is becoming hard of hearing and the television volume seems to be increasing as the days pass . When Hannah built her home , they were not married . She built it thinking she would be living in it alone . It isn 't built to give her a room where she can be shut off from the noise of the television in the living room . There is no escaping it . The only possible escape is the sunroom and it is not in shape to be used right now . It 's currently used for storage though Hannah wants to change that and use it for a retreat . It needs a better heating and cooling system . Other than that , it is a room that could be closed off from the rest of the house and she could have her quiet space . Working on the sunroom is Hannah 's goal . Actually , Hannah 's goal is to live with at least a modicum of silence . Actually , Hannah objects to only the television . She loves her music . All kinds of music . IF she lived alone , her music would like play in her home most of the time . Classic rock and roll . Classical music . Jazz . She would love to install an intercom system to pipe it through the house . There is no use to do that now . Even though her husband does like some music , their musical tastes are different and when he is at home and indoors , he only wants to hear and see the television . Not music . Hannah wonders why his wishes seem to be the only thing that matters . She has been wondering this for awhile now . The worst offenders on television are the cable news shows . Hannah 's opinion of their news coverage is low . Her husband watches one and then another all day on the days he stays inside the house . Hannah feels the news coverage is biased . She prefers to get her news coverage from other sources and read it when she is ready to do so . She doesn 't like to be bombarded with what the talking heads have to say the first thing in the morning all the way to the last thing in the evening . Hannah subscribes to and reads several newspapers a day . A state - wide paper . The Wall Street Journal to keep up on the financial world . The New York Times as she enjoys the columnists . She gets the paper copies of those newspapers . Hannah also likes to get different news perspectives and reads the BBC news and other international news sources like the Financial Times . She can form her own opinions without the assistance of newscasters who know no more than she does . It 's very difficult for Hannah to read her news and digest it with the television in the background . The constant presence of television in Hannah 's household is a bone of contention between she and her husband . Although Hannah does not like to push her opinion on her husband , she feels strongly that having the presence of these talking heads on news programs in our lives is one thing that is wrong with our country and our society . If a person is susceptible , it is almost brainwashing . Then there is her need for silence . In the short run , Hannah supposes she can have her sunroom renovated to her liking and retreat to it to escape the assault on her ears . The long run is another question entirely . The television is not the only source of incompatibility between she and her husband . Hannah has a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make . Serena gets up , wearily , from her table and dries her tears . She rinses out her cup and looks out on the landscape she has held so dear for these past years . She came here to find peace and she did but only for awhile . She knows it 's time to leave her home . She doesn 't have much of importance to leave behind . In some ways , she has always traveled light . She has one child , Kenneth , but he and his family live away and she can contact him later . She has some cousins left . She doesn 't think any but a few will miss her and she will let them know . She has some good friends who she will call . They will keep her confidence . Serena has made her decision . Now to act on it before the man comes back . What do you take with you when you are never coming back ? Serena will , of course , take Maggie , her small dog . She goes about making room in her car for Maggie , first and foremost . What she takes now depends on the room she has left . She will need some of her clothes so she quickly sorts some summer and some winter clothes into two small suitcases . Her good jewelry is precious to her and she might have to sell it so it also goes into her car . She pulls several of her grandmother 's old quilts out of the closet along with one set of good sheets . Either she or Maggie or both can use those . That 's it for the bedrooms . Her computers go with her . She will have to depend on establishments with free WiFi . A few canvases and her paints and there is only one more thing to take out of her storage . Her family pictures . She struggles with the boxes and dumps them all into one box . Out of her bathroom , she stuffs the bare necessities into one of her suitcases . Her makeup , some hair products , and all of her medicines . In the living room , she stops in front of the fireplace and looks around her as she tries to calm her dog . Maggie is sensing change and is getting agitated . Almost everything in Serena 's house has meaning to her . Her legs start to shake and for a brief moment , she doesn 't think she can do this . Doesn 't think she can leave it all behind . What is the alternative ? In order to continue on in this life , she would have to sell her soul . That would be the price of peace . She knows that price is too high . She knows that superficial " things " cannot buy her happiness . She knows she cannot live with herself if she makes that bargain with the devil . Serena has been thinking of this plan of action for days now . She went to the bank earlier in the day and cleaned out the accounts . She is leaving the man the house and everything else . At least the money will help keep gas in her car for awhile and food in Maggie 's belly . She will arrange for the income she gets to make its way to her when she decides where to stop . She hurriedly gets in her car , tears streaming down her face , and pulls out of the drive . She stops briefly , looking back , remembering the peace she once found here . As Serena drives away , amid the devastation she feels is a tiny glimmer of hope . She doesn 't know if she is going north , south , east , or west . But , she thinks maybe something good awaits her at the end of her long road away from what was once home . As Serena sat at her table and cried , she realized she had been through this before . This man had been her husband for 20 years and they had divorced . Then , she had remarried him after 16 years without him and this had caused her to jeopardize everything she had and would have . Once she had looked up marriage statistics and found that with individuals who marry the same partner twice , only two percent have successful marriages . Serena suddenly feels like a statistic after she remembers reading that . She had spent 20 years learning how incompatible they were . Serena and her husband have now been married five years , second time around . The first year was nice . The man kept the promises he had made to her before they married . Beginning in the second year , all those promises fell to the wayside and the marriage had gotten increasing bad . Now they weren 't even sleeping together and the house was quiet . They didn 't talk . They didn 't communicate at all , which was one of the promises . She finds herself thinking back five years ago when she talked to the man again after being apart from him for 16 years . He was down on his luck . He was working a fairly blue color job but only part time . He told her that he didn 't want to work full - time ever again . He didn 't make any money to save any money , but that wasn 't the biggest problem he had . He was a heavy drinker and a gambler . He had gambled away most of his retirement portfolio , second - mortgaged the house several times to get cash , and a variety of other issues . He started coming to Serena 's house and she could not turn him away . He was trying to quit drinking and gambling . Oh , she feels so angry when she thinks of all this ! Promising her that he would quit his bad behavior , playing on her sympathies , is what got her into this mess . She remarried him to help him and , to be truthful , because she was lonely and didn 't trust anyone . It was the worst mistake she had ever made . He promised her things would be different than in their first marriage . Things aren 't different at all . In fact , they are worse . Serena is a gifted painter . She has found her muse again and wants to capture her thoughts and feelings on canvas . The constant uproar in her household and in her head and heart is killing her creativity . She goes to her studio to paint and even though the knows exactly what she wants to do , it isn 't happening at the end of her brush . Anything she painted would be angry . As angry at herself for making such a stupid mistake as angry at him . He doesn 't want her to paint again . He doesn 't want her to do anything but tend to him . He 's jealous . Jealous of even her painting . Certainly jealous of her friends and family . How can someone be jealous of even inanimate objects like a canvas that stands before her ? Maybe she should just let those angry feelings pour our onto that canvas , but she hates for her cherished painting to be dark and angry . Serena calls the man her soon - to - be ex - husband because that is what he should be . In reality , no divorce action has yet been filed . He was so vicious when they divorced the first time . It frightens her that the same thing will happen this time . The first divorce almost destroyed her . She isn 't as strong now . What will a second divorce do to her ? How can she have let herself get to this place ? Where does she go from here ? She knows she has to go somewhere from here . Somewhere different . She has to take some action to save herself . But what ? That 's what she has to figure out . She doesn 't feel she has much time left . # amwriting # blogging # writing # shortfiction # fiction # dailyprompt Serena was shaking all over . She had just had another encounter with her soon - to - be ex - husband and it wasn 't pleasant . Of course , it never was . She sat at her kitchen table , trying to calm herself . It wasn 't working very well . He had burst into her home , his intent to take her jewelry . Serena had inherited the jewelry from a family member . It was not his . But , in a divorce , everything was up for grabs . She managed to keep him from taking it . She made herself a cup of tea and went back to the table , hoping the effects of the calming tea would help her . As she sipped her tea , her thoughts slipped back to her youth . They married when they were both 19 years old . She had thought she was so wise and he was just what she wanted . He was kind and she was not used to kind . She had a steady boyfriend in high school and a couple of other brief relationships but those men did not fit the description of " kind . " When he was kind to her , she fell hard for him , even though there were so many other factors she should have considered . She considered none . She was too young and too inexperienced . No one had ever taught her what to look for in a potential husband . Much too late , Serena 's parents tried to talk her out of the marriage but all she could think of was that he was kind . Things were peaceful between them and Serena was not used to a peaceful environment . She had grown up in a chaotic home . Kind and peaceful drew her in like a moth to a flame . Of course , Serena could not know that he would become less than kind as they grew older because of other characteristics he had . Nor could she know that their environment would become as chaotic as the one she grew up in because of those same characteristics . We tend to seek youth all of our lives . But when we are young , we don 't have enough wisdom to always make good decisions . Perhaps Serena could have seen the future if she had listened to her parents . They tried to tell her that their backgrounds were too different , their education differences too wide , their attitudes toward work too diverse . But , Serena , being a young , romantic girl , thought of nothing but what she defined as love . So they married . As Serena sits at her kitchen table , musing about the state of her relationship with this man , it is 41 years later . Her parents are , of course , gone now . If they were still here , she can hear them saying , " I told you so . " As soft tears run down her face , she wonders what to do next . # fiction # shortfiction # dailyprompt Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Vincent shook his head apologetically . " I 'm sorry to interrupt , Father . I said I 'm sending a message from Stan 's . Benny is going to pick it up and deliver it for me . " Father raised his eyebrows and waited for him to elaborate so with a sigh , Vincent continued . " It 's just a short note to Catherine telling her that Ellie and Eric are all right . " Vincent lowered his head shyly . " I know it seems silly but a part of me wants to reach out to her in any way I can . I feel drawn to her . " " Friends are important parts of our lives , Vincent but remember you already have many friends here … Below . Vincent shook his head at his father 's lack of understanding then headed out the door . Father looked at him as he left , worried that Vincent was starting to dream of having a different kind of relationship with Catherine . She quickly opened her purse to dig around for a tip . She finally found a five dollar bill and held it up to open air . She blinked with surprise that Benny had already started to ride away . " Wait ! " He came to a stop and she ran to his side . " Believe it or not this is all I 've got on me ! " Catherine smiled , knowing that Vincent was referring to Ellie and Eric . She was thankful they were adjusting to life Below . She put the note back in the envelope and began to walk again smiling at Benny 's demeanor and wondering just how many helpers they had in the world Above . Her mind went through the names of the artists and paintings that the paper had announced would be donated . She got out of the shower and as she dried her hair , her thoughts turned to Vincent . " I wish he could go with me . " She giggled as she pictured Jenny 's reaction to meeting Vincent . Her face quickly fell when she realized he could never attend these types of things with her . " How sad ! " she thought . " He is the one person I know who could truly appreciate them and the significance of this donation . " She walked over to her bookcase and picked up the book Vincent had recommended and was getting ready to settle down in bed when she heard a noise out on her balcony . With a smile , she headed outside . " Vincent ? " " I was just thinking about you . " He handed her a single red rose and she took it and grinned . " You came by just to give me a rose ? " " I wanted to come by , to put your mind at rest . I sent the note earlier but I wanted to tell you how well Ellie and Eric are doing . " Catherine had eagerly awaited news about the young orphans she had taken Below . " How have they been doing ? " " They 've been through much for ones so young . Ellie 's shouldered much of the responsibility for the two of them . She seems relieved to have adults she can trust to take over Eric 's care . " " She 's a good big sister . " " I can 't … " he said regretfully . " I promised Father I would meet with the council about some new safety measures Below . Perhaps I could come by tomorrow … " Catherine 's face fell . " I 've got a date . " She puzzled at the hurt look that flashed briefly across his face and quickly explained . " My girlfriend Jenny and I are attending an event together . A man named Elliot Burch is donating some of his art . " " I know … but … " Catherine frowned . " It 's not fair ; I know you would appreciate it so much more than most of the people who will be attending ! " Catherine shrugged . " Yeah , well , if he was so smart he wouldn 't have been involved to begin with . I 'll see you tomorrow . " " An art donation ? ! " Joe wrinkled his nose . Catherine rolled her eyes at his sarcasm . " Elliot Burch is donating his private collection to the museum ; surely you 've read about it … it 's been in all the papers . " " Joe ! Don 't you realize that it means that those pieces can be viewed by everyone ! Some of these paintings haven 't been seen in over fifteen years ! " " Guys like Burch don 't donate things to the city unless they 're after something . " Joe chuckled . " Don 't tell me , let me guess , he told the press he found them while cleaning out his basement ? " Catherine rushed home and flew through her apartment . She needed to shower and change and meet Jenny in just over an hour . She glanced over at the small vase with a single rose sitting on her bedside table . She thought briefly of Vincent 's visit and him bringing it to her , then smiled at his sweetness . She hurried through her shower and styled her hair just as quickly then expertly applied her make - up and changed her clothes . She was just putting her shoes on when the phone rang . She reached over and picked up the receiver . " No , thanks anyway , Jerry 's here with me . Thank God he worked late tonight . He said he would see me home . You go to the art donation , okay ? " Catherine got to the cocktail party fashionably late . She was pleasantly surprised to see familiar faces as she ambled her way around the room . Conversation in each of the various groups revolved around the type of man Elliot Burch was . She had been told he was a self - made man who rose up out of nothing to become a powerful figure in real estate developing . Throughout the night , she glanced over at him and wondered what type of man he really was . He had an intriguing life and she found herself fascinated by him . As intrigued as she was , she was still undecided about wanting to meet him . Her experience with Tom had made her wonder if all developers had the same bad ideals . Some of these shortcomings she had been able to overlook but she could never accept his ability to overlook humanity for the sake of development . Catherine stood off to the side of the room and talked with one of her friends . " So , Janet , is your mom watching the kids tonight ? " Janet nodded . " Yes , I don 't know what I would do without her . One of these days she 's going to tell me no . " Catherine giggled . " That 'll never happen . Your mom loves Trisha and Doug . She might steal them from you but she would never give them up . " Dan , her husband , came over with two glasses of champagne . He handed one to Janet and one to Catherine . Catherine took the glass then leaned in to kiss his cheek . " Hi , Dan . Thanks . " Dan nodded and smiled . " Yeah , things have been going really well . If only I could make money as fast as the kids spend it , I might just get ahead one day . " " You sound like my Dad when I was eleven . " Catherine laughed . " You know , Dan , we used to have neighbors in Connecticut that had horses . They might still have some for a fairly reasonable price . " Catherine glanced over and noticed another acquaintance come in . " Sure , Janet , I 'll get it to you in the morning . Look , Grace just walked in and she looks a little lost . I 'm going to go say hi . I 'll be back in a little bit . " Unknown to her , Elliot had also been noticing her as well . She made a beautiful picture in a red strapless gown that flowed freely around her when she walked and she had definitely caught his eye . Elliot slowly approached the couple and the beautiful woman as they talked in their group . The woman just moved away when Elliot walked up . Sorry he had missed his chance to meet her but not wanting to appear rude , he extended his hand towards the gentleman . " Hello , I 'm Elliot Burch . " The man shook his hand . " Of course , Mr . Burch , I 'm Dan Miller and this is my wife Janet . " " Pleased to meet you , " Elliot grasped the woman 's hand and raised it to his lips . " Are you enjoying yourselves tonight ? " Dan held up his hands . " Give me a chance to finish . . . I was pleasantly surprised when I came . Most of the paintings are beautiful . I 'm glad Janet made me come . " Elliot laughed . " Thank you and I 'll let you in on a secret . The security guard over there just told me the Yankees are up by three in the bottom of the 6th . " Dan smiled as Elliot glanced mischievously at the couple . " Now , I don 't mean to be forward but who was that enchanting woman you were just speaking with ? " Dan sized him up , careful of his friendship with Catherine . " Her name 's Catherine Chandler . " " Chandler … I know that name . " Elliot thought for a few seconds then looked at Dan . " Any relation to Charles Chandler , the corporate attorney ? " Janet nodded and smiled at him . " Yes , he 's her father . She worked for him for awhile but then left to do work for the DA 's Office . " He walked away lost in thought . " So , this woman was beautiful and good hearted . Catherine Chandler … Why do I know that name ? I know there 's something more … " Suddenly he remembered . " She 's the woman who was missing for a couple of days earlier in the year . Didn 't she used to go out with Tom Gunther ? He left New York about that same time . I wonder if she 's still seeing him . " While being interviewed by reporters , Elliot answered all of their questions but looked over at Catherine . He was surprised to see she was watching him and as he gazed into the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen , he smiled . She smiled back , surprised and pleased at the impact his statement to the press had made on her . His words led her to believe he was nothing like Tom and that intrigued her even further . As the night lingered on , Elliot kept missing his opportunity to meet Catherine . Eventually , she stood alone , admiring a painting . He noticed and immediately came to her side . " Of course you are . " As he drew back his head in surprise , she giggled . " I 'm sorry , but you are the reason we 're all here . " " I know . " She looked at him in surprise . " You do ? " He nodded his assent . " Uh huh … I asked one of your friends . " She smiled with embarrassment and turned away . " Guess it 's my turn to be a little flustered . " " Yes , it 's only fair . " " And . . . um . . . not entirely unenjoyable . " He leaned in to her in conspiratorially . " Do you know that it 's been a very long time since I 've been good and flustered ? " His lawyer chose that moment to interrupt . Elliot gently put him off and took Catherine to a secluded area so they could talk . Catherine smiled at him . " My friends call me Cathy . Yes , my friend Jenny was supposed to come with me but had to back out at the last minute . " " And you will be . Now , other than your high level of courage , what else can you tell me about yourself ? " " What do you want to know ? " " Well I was born on … " She stopped and giggled as he looked at her with surprise . " What ? Did you mean something more recent ? " " I can learn the rest later but maybe for now this will help ; when I asked your friends about you , they confirmed you were Charles Chandler 's daughter . I know of your father . He has an impeccable reputation . " " Thank you , I think he 's pretty great too , " Catherine answered warily , afraid he was going to be like Tom and use her for her position in society . " Your friends also mentioned you used to work for him but now you work for the DA 's office . " When she nodded again he continued . " That 's admirable work , unusual but admirable . " Tom had never wanted her to work for the DA 's office and they had several heated discussions about it . Now , here was Elliot , expressing the exact opposite viewpoint . Catherine started to wonder if he really was too good to be true . " So , now why did you decide to make the career jump ? " Her smile faded and he immediately felt guilty . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to pry . " " Don 't be , it 's in the past . I 've fought back and become a stronger person . It 's been hard but it 's also been the most wonderful time of my life . " His brow furrowed with curiosity . " How so ? " She shrugged as she looked at him . " I changed . After my accident , I realized I had led a pretty superficial life and I decided I wasn 't doing what I wanted to do . A friend I met during that time helped me find the strength within myself and I learned that I needed to go on with my life . After some soul searching , I decided I wanted to accomplish something more stimulating than corporate law . I wanted to find a way to use my talents to help others . So , I quit my job with my Dad and started at the DA 's office . " " Your father must have been very disappointed when you left the firm . " She nodded . " He was , but he wants me to be happy . " He cocked his head to look at her . " Are you ? " " The work is relentless , exhausting but sometimes it feels like somehow , in some way , I make a difference . That 's a good feeling . " " Yes . It 's no fun starting at the bottom . " " Nobody cuts me any slack . But when I do get a kind word , it 's because I 'm doing the job , not because I 'm the boss 's daughter . " " You know … you kids who grew up rich … you 've got just as much to prove as those of us who grew up poor . We spend our whole lives trying to prove to the whole world that we 're worth something . You have to prove it to yourself . " She nodded in agreement so he continued . " If your father isn 't proud of you , he damn well should be . " " I 'd much rather hear about your life . " He looked at her with a smile . " How about if we cover my life some other time ? " " Okay . . . " " Now for the important question , is there someone special in your life , Cathy ? " She thought briefly of her friendship with Vincent and sighed . " There are some special people in my life , no one I would call exclusive . How about you ? Is there someone special in your life , Elliot ? " He smiled . " Not until tonight . " Catherine blushed and looked away then scanned the pictures on the walls . " You 've done something amazing here tonight , Elliot . Won 't you miss these paintings ? " He shrugged . " They 've been hanging on the walls in my house for years . I 'm rarely at home . It seemed like such a waste . " They looked around and realized that most of the people had left the function . She felt guilty for monopolizing his time . " We had such a pleasant talk ; I didn 't realize how much time had passed . I 'm sorry you didn 't get much of a chance to visit with your other guests . " The press was trying to get a photo of Elliot Burch and they walked outside into a sea of reporters and flashing cameras . Elliot 's smile didn 't quite reach his eyes as he guided Catherine towards his limo . Seated safely inside , Elliot turned to her . " I 'm so sorry about all that . For some odd reason who I 'm with seems to intrigue people . Tomorrow this will be all over the newspapers . I love my life but sometimes the press can seem so intrusive . " Catherine knew about publicity . Sometimes , being wealthy had its disadvantages as well and she had been raised to deal with it all her life . She rushed to reassure him . " Elliot , it 's not your fault and I 've dealt with them before . Honestly , most of the time it doesn 't bother me . " Elliot looked over at her , surprised and grateful . He took her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it . " Good , I 'm glad , thank you for understanding . " Catherine smiled at him warmly . She was pleasantly surprised that he was apologetic for the press instead of reveling in it like Tom . It was refreshing that this man was so different . Tom would have been talking to the reporters , trying to make sure they knew who he was with and what they had been doing . Elliot was indifferent to them . He respected them but he pretty much ignored their presence . Too soon , they pulled up in front of Catherine 's apartment building . Elliot walked her to her door and asked if he could see her again . She agreed then headed inside ; with one last look , he climb into his limo . That same night , across town , in a different type of neighborhood , Vincent stood in a darkened alley , hidden deep in the shadows . Head back , eyes closed , he was enjoying the impromptu concert provided by an older man sitting at the piano in his basement . Vincent allowed the simple piano music to wash over him . Suddenly , a car came down the alley , stopping in front of the basement windows . Vincent crouched down and hid behind a dumpster . Two men got out of the car and held fire bombs made from old bottles and fuel . Vincent saw the burst of light as the men lit the wicks then watched in horror as they threw the bottles at the basement window . They broke through it and started a fire . The men leapt back in their car and sped away . The old man playing the piano called out desperately for help , collapsing on the floor as the smoke entered his lungs . Vincent broke through the other window , flung off his cloak and started beating at the flames which were quickly spreading . Even though he was burned several times , he made short work of the fire . His cloak smoldering , he wrapped it around himself to hide his appearance from the man he just saved . He stood off in the shadows , waiting for the man to wake up . Finally the man began to stir , coughing to clear the smoke from his lungs , gasping for the fresh air he desperately needed . He begged Vincent to step forward so he could thank him . He struggled to stand then fell back to the floor . Vincent drew closer to lend him support . The man glanced up and saw Vincent 's face then gasped in surprise . Vincent helped the man to his feet and found a place for him to sit . The man , Micha Langer , explained to Vincent how he and his wife Sophie and the other tenants in the building were being harassed . How men were trying to drive them from their homes . The tenants were getting worried because the men that were doing these things were starting to get violent . Vincent listened patiently while the man told his tale . He was angered at the treatment these people were experiencing ; older people who had so little ability to fight back and these thugs were feeding on their vulnerability . He left Micha , promising to get them help . Vincent had felt all of Catherine 's emotions that night . At first , he wondered what he was feeling when he was flooded with a chaos of emotions , but as he sorted through them , he guessed that she had met someone special , someone who touched her deeply . He didn 't want to intrude on her happiness but he had promised his new friend he would help . He walked through the tunnel way and grimaced as the burns on his face started to throb . He decided he would leave her a short note and made his way up to her balcony , where he noticed she was home . Not wanting to bother her , he discreetly tried to place the note on a nearby table . While she was getting ready for bed , Catherine saw Vincent through the patio drapes . She knew he must 've seen her in her room yet he didn 't appear to be staying . She flew out to the balcony , barely catching him as he was leaving . " Vincent ! " He shyly walked closer to her . " Did I startle you ? " " No , " She shook her head and smiled at him , excited to see him there . " I … I came to … leave you a message . " As if to show her proof , he pointed to a note on the table . Unsure of himself and his welcome , he turned to leave . Catherine reached for the note he indicated then noticed he was going to leave . " Don 't go . " She wondered why he was in such a hurry . She quickly read the note he had written her then looked up at him . " Micha Langer ? " " He and his friends are being driven from their homes , terrorized . They 've been beaten , robbed . " The moonlight hit his face and she noticed his injuries and approached him flooded with concern . " You 're hurt ! Is that a burn ? " She reached for his cheek but saw something in his eyes that made her stop just short of touching him . " Let me get you something . " He shook his head . " I am not the one that needs your help , Catherine . These people are old , terrified , their homes almost burned tonight . " Lost in a confusion of emotions , Catherine looked at him . " It 's all still very new . Sometimes I wonder how all those little pieces will ever fit together again . " He had never meant for her to see him in the first place . He hadn 't meant to take up her time and he shook his head . " No , I . . . just needed someone to know about the older tenants , someone who could be of help . I 'm sorry to have troubled you with more problems . " Catherine was confused by his demeanor . " You didn 't trouble me . I want to help . Would you like to come in ? I could get you some salve , maybe make some tea . " He looked up at her . " I shouldn 't have come here , I never meant to intrude on your evening , I 'll go . " " Wait ! " Catherine desperately grasped for a topic to keep him here . " How are Eric and Ellie ? " She knew the machine would pick up the call and called out to him . " Vincent ? " He stopped and turned to look at her , so she continued . " You 're always welcome here ; you could never intrude on my evening … " Catherine sighed as she realized that he must have felt all her emotions as she became acquainted with Elliot . She wouldn 't lie to him . " Yes , I did . " He nodded as the truth settled into an ache in his heart . Catherine walked over to the wall of the balcony but Vincent remained standing where he was . She looked back at him . " It was Elliot Burch , the person who donated the art to the museum tonight . " Catherine blew out the breath she 'd been holding . " I 'm not sure . I gave him my number . If I had to guess though , yes , I think he 'll call . " Vincent nodded . " Good . You should find someone , Catherine , a friend , someone that can make you happy , someone that you can share your thoughts and dreams with . " " I have that already with you ! You 're one of my best friends , Vincent . I 've told you more about my thoughts and dreams than I 've ever shared with anyone before . " " Perhaps now you 've found another from your own world that you can share these things with . " The phone rang again . " It 's late ; I . . . should go . Goodbye , Catherine . " Jenny 's voice accusingly came over the line . " You forgot about me ! " Catherine grimaced and rushed to apologize . " I 'm sorry Jen , I just got home . It was late when I left , I didn 't think you would still be up . " Jenny sighed . " My foot hurts so much I can 't sleep . What do you mean you just got home ? You 've been at the party this whole time ? " Jenny narrowed her eyes . She recognized a delay tactic when she heard it . " Hey ! Why do you keep trying to change the subject ? What happened at the party that you don 't want to tell me about ? " " Sooooo , " Jenny sang out . " Did you see Elliot Burch ? Is he really as cute in person ? " With a sigh , Catherine told her the story . " Actually , Jen , I did get a chance to meet Elliot . " Jenny sat up excitedly . " No way ! You met him ! Like really met him or receiving line , hey , nice to meet you , met him ? " Jenny rushed ahead . " You 're kidding ? ! You are so lucky ! Tell me everything . How did you first meet him ? What did you talk about ? What did he say ? Are his eyes blue or green ? Did you kiss him ? " Catherine chuckled . " Slow down , Jen , let me get a word in . He approached me when I was alone . I was looking at one of the paintings ; you know the one with a quiet country path that … " Catherine realized she didn 't want to hear about the painting so she chuckled and continued . " We introduced ourselves and he led me over to a quiet corner where we could talk . " Jenny sighed as Catherine continued . " I told him about myself and my job . We didn 't realize so much time had passed and because it was so late he saw me home . " " Well , I 'm not positive . He asked how he could get in touch with me and I gave him my business card . We 'll have to see what happens . . . " " What happens ? What happens ! What happens , is that you met your own Prince Charming tonight and he is going to sweep you off your feet and you 're going to be living in one of the ivory towers that he builds . You 'll be Queen of New York City . " " Aww , c ' mon Cathy , you deserve it . You haven 't dated anyone in a while and Tom shouldn 't count … he was an idiot ! That man wasn 't good enough to share your taxi . " " Jen ! " Catherine warned . " Okay , okay … enough said … but when was the last time you went out with a really decent guy ? " Catherine 's thoughts turned to Vincent . She hadn 't thought about him at all tonight when she was with Elliot and for some reason that troubled her . She liked Vincent , he was a good friend but their relationship was so confusing . They barely knew each other but they shared this bond that continually drew them together . Catherine just didn 't know if it went any further that that . He always treated her so nicely but he seemed to push their friendship away at any time . Several times he had met her and he always seemed to be in a hurry to leave . She usually had to entice him to stay with her . She was sure he wasn 't interested in being anything more than friends and if she was being honest she wasn 't all that sure how she felt about him . Still , when he finally settled down and spent time with her she always felt like there was a connection between them . She startled herself when she realized that Vincent probably felt her seesawing emotions tonight when she was with Elliot . " That would explain his unusual behavior tonight , " she thought . " God , I hope I didn 't hurt him ! " Catherine chuckled . " You 're not lonely ! What about Lance and Chuck and who was the guy last week ? Um . . . Scott ! What about Scott ? You said he was an excellent kisser . " " Go to bed , Jen ! I 'll talk to you tomorrow , okay ? Call me if you need anything , even if it 's in the middle of the night . " Catherine hung up and got ready for bed . She let her thoughts drift back to her meeting with Vincent . During the night , she remembered talking with Elliot and having the feeling that she was guilty and doing something wrong . She remembered feeling something she couldn 't put words to and she slowly began to realize those feelings must have been coming from Vincent . She felt bad that he had felt her excitement earlier when she met Elliot and while she was talking with him . She knew Vincent cared for her and she cared for him too , but she wondered where their friendship actually stood . She winced when she thought about the burns on his face . She had reached out to touch him but something in his eyes made her stop . Why didn 't she continue to reach for him ? Help him ? Why was he so accepting when Eric reached out just over a month ago ? With Eric and Ellie , Vincent had met them for the first time and treated his appearance with indifference . With her , he treated his appearance entirely different . He set himself apart from her . He once said , " I 'm part of you Catherine , just as you 're a part of me . " Then why did he always keep her at arm 's length ? Her thoughts strayed to his reason for coming here tonight . He hadn 't come to visit her or see her . He came because some people needed her help , just like the kids from Ridley Hall . He came because he was compassionate and couldn 't stand to see others suffer . " If it wasn 't for these two incidents , I wonder if he would have come to see me at all ? " Vincent headed to his world Below . He sighed , knowing that Father was going to have a ton of questions when he saw him . Standing just inside the doorway , half hidden in shadows , Vincent looked over at his Father . " I 'm back , I just wanted to say goodnight . " Father looked up and acknowledged his son . " Good , I have this letter for you . It 's from Ellie and Eric . They asked that you read it the second you came in . " Vincent knew there was no way of avoiding Father seeing his burns . If he said he would read the letter tomorrow , Father would be suspicious . He squared his shoulders and headed down the steps . Father handed him the letter then saw the burns on Vincent 's face . He struggled to get to his feet to get a closer look . " Dear God ! What happened to you ? " Father looked at Vincent 's face and hands . There were several burns but luckily none of them were severe . " Let 's get you to the hospital chamber and get some salve on those burns . You must be in quite a bit of pain , when did this happen ? " " I wanted to make sure the man I helped was all right . He was , but he told me a story about how the older people in his apartment building are being harassed . I went to Catherine 's to leave her a message . Just as I was leaving , she came home . " They had arrived at the hospital chamber and Father was digging around for ointment . He discovered it and grabbed some bandages for Vincent 's hands . " Good , then you can stop worrying about them . Now , let me see your hands first . " Father cleaned the burns and put salve on them and wrapped up the ones he could . He noticed Vincent 's odd behavior . " Are you in much pain or has something else happened ? " Father sighed . " I 'm sorry , I wish I could give you something but it 'll pass . Now , I 'm heading to bed . Don 't forget the letter from Eric and Ellie . " Micha looked at her gratefully as he explained about how they were being threatened and driven from their home . His wife , Sophie , added her thoughts as well . Catherine looked at them in disbelief . " And you believe all of this is organized ? " Micha looked up as a man approached . " Over there . . . He 's the one that sends the punks to scare us off . " A man , Leo Mundy , came over . Catherine questioned him and he said that the older people were being offered a fair settlement . Micha reiterated that this was their home and they didn 't want to move . Leo indirectly threatened them and Catherine , then walked away . Sophie quietly spoke . " Maybe we should do as he says , he is so powerful . . . " Micha shook his head and spoke bravely . " He 's not so powerful . He sends other men to do his dirty work for him . " Catherine was overcome with compassion for these poor people . They were old and just wanted a decent place to live out their lives . " Micha , Sophie , I promise to do everything I can to help you through this . " Sophie nodded . " Thank you dear . " " We can 't let them drive us from our homes , " Micha stated . Catherine looked at both of them and rushed to reassure them . " No one will be driven from their homes . I promise you , I am going to do everything I can to find out who 's behind this . " Catherine smiled at the kind woman and reached to touch her arm . " Sophie , I 'm sure your ice tea is wonderful but maybe I can get some next time ? I want to find out as much as I can about Leo Mundy . I 'd like to get him out of the picture so that you can feel safe again . " Micha approached . " You are certainly welcome at any time . I hope you can put these crooks away for a long time . We just want to live in peace . " Catherine blushed as she handed him the bag . " I need to investigate a man named Leo Mundy . He 's been harassing some senior citizens in an apartment building . " Catherine asked Edie to investigate Leo Mundy . She found out he called himself a Security Consultant and had a long record of brutality but had never been convicted . She went to Joe for help but he told her she would have to gather more evidence before he could help her . Elliot called later in the day to see if Catherine had gotten the flowers he sent and to arrange another date for tonight . Her thoughts on Vincent , she hesitated for a second but readily accepted his offer . Every time she glanced at the flowers , she thought of Elliot and eagerly awaited a chance to spend time with him . He had made a wonderful impression on her . Meanwhile , Vincent had felt Catherine 's excitement on and off all day . His feelings were churning through him and in his turmoil , he instinctively went and sat in his father 's library . Father noticed him come in but Vincent wordlessly sat on a chair then periodically paced the room . " Did you need something , Vincent ? " Father observed him for over a half an hour and Vincent 's demeanor never changed . Instinctively , Father knew that it had something to do with Catherine . He had listened to Vincent speak of her and realized that his son had fallen in love with the woman but he was powerless to do anything about it . Finally , he had to ask . " Vincent ? What ways so heavy ? Hmmm ? Please , tell me ? " Vincent got up and walked across the room , trying to gather his thoughts . " She 's met a man … She 's falling in love . " Father knew immediately who the she was that Vincent referred to . He was saddened by what his son would have to go through but he still wanted to help him through this stressful time . " Let her … Let her fall in love , Vincent . " " My mind tells me to rejoice for her , that she deserves the happiness but my heart … is dying . I 'm possessed by feelings I 've never felt before … Father … it hurts . " Vincent painfully , hung his head and hid his face . " I 've always dreaded this moment for you and I … I suppose I 've always known it would come . The day when your heart would lead you to long for a life that can never be , Vincent . " " Yes , a life that can never be . " Vincent repeated as he dejectedly turned and walked out of the room . Pascal looked even more confused . Father knew Pascal and Vincent had always been good friends so he went on to explain . " I fear he has dreamed about having a life that he can 't possibly have and now that dream has come crashing down around him . " Father nodded his head . " Vincent just said she met a man and was falling in love . Now he 's heartbroken . Another love that will be unfulfilled . " Father shrugged . " What could you say ? Vincent will just have to get over this on his own . We 've all been disappointed by love in our lifetime . . . " Pascal frowned in disagreement . As he left the chamber , he decided to find his friend to talk to him . He stood in the entrance to Vincent 's chamber and peered inside . " Hey , Vin ? It 's just me . " " I . . . forgot to . . . " Pascal leaned into a table and struck a match and quickly lit several small candles on the table . " I thought maybe you needed someone to talk to so I sent word to Zach that I would be a little longer than expected . " " He didn 't have to . " Pascal shook his head sadly . " I 've known you my whole life . I 've seen this look on your face too many times . Mostly when Mitch was around but why don 't you just tell me what happened ? " Vincent cringed as he thought about Mitch . He was a boy they grew up with and had bullied Vincent almost the whole time he was Below . " I forgot for a moment who and what I was and I dared to dream about a life that someone like me can never have . . . " " What do you mean , a life you can 't have ? " Vincent scowled angrily . " Look at my face , Pascal ! Look at my face and not as a young boy with a favorite playmate would but as a stranger gazing on my features for the first time . What do you see ? " " I don 't see a man at all … " " What do you see ? " Pascal asked quietly as he hung his head in sympathy for the pain his friend endured . Pascal grabbed his shoulder roughly trying to shake his friend out of his mood . " You 're a teacher , Vincent , and I 've heard you tell more children that they can be anything they want to be . Who says your life is destined to be a certain way ? " Vincent rolled his eyes and stared at Pascal in disbelief until Pascal got angry . " Vincent , there are many people Above and Below who see you all the time who overlook your differences . We all have features we don 't like . Have you looked at my ears lately ? " Pascal chuckled and flicked his extra large ears . " These things flap like Dumbo 's but I don 't care … I 'm kind to people and I do my job really well and people accept me for me . " Vincent snorted derisively at the comparison . " Large ears are easily overlooked and no reason for a woman to reject you , Pascal . They are a far cry from a face such as mine . " " Lisa ? ! " Pascal gasped . " Vincent , that was years ago and you were just kids . Let 's overlook the fact that Lisa was never good enough for you . I bet your Catherine hasn 't acted like that . " Pascal slipped the comment in hoping to guide Vincent to the meat of his problem . Vincent shrugged . " The first time Catherine saw me she threw the back of a headlight at me . " " I bet you just startled her ! Mrs . Johnson hit me one year when I was delivering her Winterfest candle . She didn 't know I had come up behind her and she hit me with her wooden spoon , " Pascal laughed aloud . Pascal shrugged . " Vincent , you two are still getting to know one another . Catherine probably reacted instinctively that first time . You shouldn 't hold it against her ; give your relationship time to grow . " Elliot Burch and Catherine Chandler were a gossip columnist 's dream come true . Elliot 's prediction was true and the morning after their exit together from the art donation , it was all over the papers . The next night , Elliot picked Catherine up in his limousine in front of her apartment . He took her to a new restaurant where they ordered drinks and sat quietly talking , waiting for their meal . Catherine smiled over at him . " Elliot , this place is wonderful . I can 't believe you got reservations here , there 's a three month waiting list . " " I helped the owner get his business off the ground . He owed me one , besides nothing would be too good for you . " She lowered her head in embarrassment and changed the subject . " You promised you would tell me about your life . " He sighed as he took a sip of wine . " I did , didn 't I ? Well it 's a typical story with not a lot to tell . I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and fought my way up to the top . " The first course of soup came and they changed their conversations to people they knew seated about the room . For the most part , they chose to ignore them but both waved and smiled when greeted openly by the others in the room . Then they chuckled at the curious stares many of the couples were giving them . The waiter collected their empty bowls and Catherine waited until he left to ask . " So , have you always wanted to be a developer ? " " Great , " Catherine thought sarcastically then quickly shook off the feeling of dread . Elliot had made her think otherwise so she tried to stop herself from making the comparison . " I dated a man one time who felt that way . . . " He sighed . " When I wanted to meet you last night , I asked around . Your friends gave me your name and I remembered reading about . . . " Elliot stopped , realizing that talking about her attack might upset her . Elliot visibly relaxed as he realized she didn 't have a hard time talking about what was certain to be a dark time in her life . " Yes , Tom also had business dealings with some of my banking friends . I remember them talking about his unusual ' business as usual ' approach when you were missing for . . . um . . . a few days , wasn 't it ? " Catherine sighed . " Tom was an ambitious person . Somewhere along the way he forgot the importance of being a human being . He didn 't let a lot of technicalities get in his way . Unfortunately , I became a technicality . " Catherine sighed as Elliot took her hand and the waiter came over to replenish their wine . " What about you , Elliot ? What woman has broken your heart lately ? " Elliot shook his head and chuckled . " I haven 't been seriously involved with a woman in a very long time . What with planning and building and construction problems , who has time to fall in love ? " He looked over at the beautiful lady across from him . " Cathy , looking at you tonight I realize that the right woman would make me want to throw all those well made plans right out the window . " Catherine smiled at him and turned to watch the waiter who was delivering their next course . Elliot smiled at her . " So , what made you become a lawyer ? " " No , what about you ? " He sighed as he nodded . " I was married for about an hour and a half when I was around eighteen . Funny thing is , she left me because I didn 't make enough money . She wanted more financial security than I was able to provide . " He shook his head as he laughed . " No , she wasn 't pregnant . We were just young and stupid . Thank God there were no kids involved . " " I haven 't thought about having kids since I was twenty . I guess the thought of raising buildings instead of kids sounded more appealing . If you mess up during construction you only destroy some bricks and steel . . . " Catherine grimaced as she agreed . " I 've always said people shouldn 't have kids until they 're old enough to know what they really want in life . I see so many children who are being raised by people who should never have been allowed to have them . Sorry … I didn 't mean to get so preachy … " Catherine sighed . " Someday , I guess . When I know I 'm settled and ready to take on that kind of responsibility . I guess some things have worked out for the best because I 've never found a man who I trust enough to have a child with . " Elliot nodded his head in agreement . " Trust is the hardest issue in a marriage . If you don 't trust the other person fully , there is no chance of overcoming the obstacles daily life throws at you . " The waiter came and refilled their wine glasses again . They both refused dessert and then enjoyed another half hour of conversation over a cup of coffee . Elliot paid the check and they left the restaurant . They walked arm in arm through the streets of the city , enjoying each other 's company . The conversation flowed freely and they marveled that they had so much in common . They knew the same people , frequented the same places and enjoyed the same food . Elliot looked over at her and watched as the lights played across her beautiful face . He couldn 't resist and bent over and gave her a quick tentative kiss . Catherine was surprised but her heart soared as she returned the kiss . With a blush , she turned and grabbed ahold of his arm as he walked her through the streets . " She is … almost too good to be true " he thought . He knew she had no ulterior motives in dating him . She had her own money so she didn 't need his and she had her own career so she didn 't need him to be her whole life . He was able to relax and be himself with her . Her thoughts reflected his . " He 's a wonderful companion . " He was generous with his compliments and treated her like an equal . He said all the right things and she was beginning to care deeply for him . They stopped walking in front of a sculpture and leaned into one another . Their kiss this time was explosive . They continued kissing , enjoying the newness of their passion . Catherine 's arms beckoned him closer and he readily obliged . He pulled away and smiled down at her . " Cathy , I would love for this night to continue . . . " The question on his mind left unasked . A small twinge of denial came from somewhere in the back of her mind . She gently put off his advances , wondering why she was doing so . " Elliot , I would love for that to happen too , but … let 's give it a little more time ? " He leaned in and kissed her gently . " Of course , you let me know when you 're ready . But I can tell you right now , I 'm hooked . I 'm in this for the long haul . " Touched , Catherine kissed him back but couldn 't answer him . She liked him so much , she wondered if she was starting to fall in love . She second guessed her decision to sleep with him but something in her mind was preventing her from taking the next step . That same night , as Sophie and Micha walked home from the drugstore , the thugs tried to attack them again . Vincent managed to thwart their attempt . He slashed out at one of them but the men got away and took off in their car . One of them dropped a wallet on the ground . Vincent picked it up and started to run to Catherine 's . He was only a few blocks from her apartment when he felt desire rush over him . He stopped quickly and gasped as he realized the feelings were Catherine 's . He held his hand against his aching heart as he headed back to the tunnels ; he stopped and turned at the entrance . Bathed in moonlight , her sensations were flooding through him . He realized he was losing her and there was nothing he could do . She was falling in love with another man . The small ray of hope he harbored from the first time he met her was dying , his thoughts flooded his mind . " I could never be a part of her life . What have I been thinking ? This man has everything to offer her . He can give her everything she wants , needs , desires . I have nothing to give to her . " The pain he felt as his dream crashed down around him was almost unbearable . Vincent stood there and looked out at the dark world for a long time . He felt Catherine 's desires flare to life and his stomach muscles clenched in protest . His heart ached in his chest . He gasped for breath and turned into the tunnel entry . He decided he would no longer see her . He would no longer burden her with his friendship . He had made a promise to the older couple , though , and he wouldn 't let them down . He had to follow through on his commitment so he walked to his chamber and wrote a note to Catherine . He would send the wallet by messenger in the morning . Catherine walked into her apartment and heard the phone ringing . She chuckled as she quickly grabbed the receiver . " Yeah , Jen . I had a good time . " Father sat alone in the library reading the newspaper . In the entertainment section he saw a picture of Catherine with a very tall distinguished looking gentleman . He hated to admit but they were a strikingly beautiful couple . Even in the black and white photo , you could tell the couple dripped with wealth and prestige . Father shook his head in disgust . " This woman would never stay with someone like Vincent . She was born into privilege and she will marry into the same level of wealth . Poor Vincent never stood a chance . " He sighed at the pain that was being inflicted on his son . He knew all parents went through this but he still ached for son . He quickly destroyed the photograph and the article and was just finished when Vincent walked in . Vincent turned and left while Father worriedly watched as he exited . As much as he hated to admit it , he knew Vincent had fallen in love with Catherine . He guessed it happened when Catherine was Below healing from her attack but then after they reconnected so many months later , he knew Vincent had fallen . He thought about the light in his son 's eyes when he talked of Catherine . The tone his voice took on when he mentioned her name . The faraway look he got sometimes when he was feeling her emotions through the bond . With a sigh , Father picked up another section of the newspaper . He knew Vincent would just have to suffer through the heartbreak . The next day , Benny , handed Catherine a message from Vincent . Inside the envelope were the wallet and a note . " Hope this helps , V - - - - " The message was short and to the point . " Strange , " she thought . " Why didn 't he bring this to me last night ? " She thought about what she did the night before and it dawned on her what happened . Her mind reeled with the implications . " Oh no ! The bond ! The kisses ! Had he been able to feel everything I felt last night ? How can I spare him this pain ? " she wondered . " Did he think we might be more than friends ? He 's never approached me ! ? Are we anything more than good friends ? Do I want something more with him ? Does he want something more with me ? And what about Elliot ? I really like him and have no clue where this is heading ! Poor Vincent , but thank God I didn 't sleep with Elliot last night . I 've got to find a way to get a hold of my feelings . " Before she left , Edie walked up to her desk . She had tracked down some information and came to Catherine with her discovery . Every building on that block was owned by a different holding company , but she would need more time to come up with the answers . Catherine at least knew she was on the right track with her investigations . She looked over at him gratefully . " I 'm glad you came , I wasn 't sure you would . " He hung his head , hiding his face from her view as he walked over to the opposite wall . " Have you been well ? " It had only been a few days since she 'd seen him . She realized he was grasping at straws to make small talk with her . She wondered how they had become like strangers . " Yes , we 've been able to help your friend Micha and his friends . We 've been able to put some men in jail . It 's only the beginning but the violence should stop . " He glanced up . " Good . " Catherine knew that Vincent was acting strangely and she guessed correctly why . " Vincent , I don 't want to cause you any pain . " " Don 't struggle , Catherine . There 's no need . " She pleaded with him to make her understand . " No need ? Why ? " " Because we know , we always knew that this bond between us was only a dream we shared . " She thought about all the times in the past that thoughts of Vincent had comforted her and she had been able to get through the day and most times through the night . She shook her head in desperation . " A dream ? ! No Vincent , our bond is the most real thing I 've ever known , more than anything in my whole life . " Vincent asked the question that was burning a hole in his heart . " Do you love this man ? " Catherine sighed . " So he did know how I felt , " she thought " How could I have done this to him ? Why hadn 't I thought about his feelings ? He had felt everything … damn … " She shook her head again and tried to reassure him . " I don 't know , but if I do , it won 't change anything . I won 't let it ! " Before he broke down , Vincent walked away without another word , but he couldn 't help himself from turning back to look at her one last time . After the steel door to the tunnel entrance shut , she turned and left . She liked Vincent so much . He was probably her best friend in the whole world , the one constant in her crazy life . And Elliot ? Elliot was another part of her crazy life . She was unsure how she felt about him . She thought that he was someone she could easily fall in love with but something was holding her back . The next day at work , Catherine went to see Edie . Edie had discovered that the holding companies all used the same New York city street address . Catherine wrote down the address , thanked Edie then set off to find who was doing business at that address . Catherine wasn 't surprised when she found herself at a lawyer 's office . She walked in and immediately recognized Elliot 's attorney . She clamped down on the sinking feeling in her stomach as he looked at her trying to remember why she looked so familiar . " Have we met ? " Elliot 's lawyer questioned . " Almost . The other night at the museum opening . " " Ah , yes of course . You 're Elliot 's a … new friend … come in . Please sit . " He motioned her to a chair . " What can I do for you ? " Catherine handed him a list of names then asked him who the principals were on the holding companies of these names and addresses . He refused to answer , claiming client confidentiality . In her heart , she already knew the answer but she inquired anyway if these holding companies belonged to Elliot Burch . Again , he refused to answer her and politely escorted her out of his office . Catherine thought long and hard about the case . These men were harassing and terrorizing senior citizens to get control of a building , actually a whole city block , in fact . Who would have plans for a whole city block ? She feared that the paper trail would lead her directly to Elliot . She had hoped that she was wrong and Elliot would prove to be nothing like Tom but she was afraid he was more like him then she originally thought . She couldn 't believe that the man she was falling in love with could be so heartless . She couldn 't believe he would allow people to be hurt for the sake of a building project . She couldn 't believe that the man who could treat her like a princess one day could treat others like pawns the next . Catherine had to see Elliot . She had to ask him these questions as she looked into his eyes . She hoped he would be able to dispel the dark thoughts that had crept into her mind and they could put this all behind them and move forward in their relationship . Arthur cleared his throat . " I … um … hired a firm to handle the negotiations . Let 's just say that the men they sent got a little rough . " " Stubborn senior citizens ! You hired goons to rough up a group of elderly people . No one thought to go down there and sweeten the deal for them ? Let 's just rough them up a little ! So now the authorities are involved . " Catherine went back work where she discovered that the thugs they apprehended were out on bail and she angrily stomped into Joe 's office . She ranted in anger that they had posted bail and were back on the streets . Joe sympathized with her but only offered to see about an increase in patrols . Catherine raised her hand to stop her and with tears in her eyes sighed . " I think I already know , Edie . You don 't have to tell me . " Catherine marched passed a sea of reporters waiting for their press conference and passed his secretary and right into Elliot 's office . Elliot hung up the phone as she walked in the room and smiled gratefully at her . " Cathy , I 've been trying to reach you all morning . I just got off the phone with Arthur , he told … " She interrupted him . " You own the building . " " Well , yes I … I had no idea what was going on … you gotta believe me , I didn 't … " She interrupted again . " Leo Mundy works for your management company ! " Elliot sighed . " Cathy , I 've got hundreds of employees ! I can 't monitor everyone of them . Listen , I 'm appalled at the things that have been going on . " " I 'm not so sure , Elliot ! " She tried to stop herself . Why was she thinking these things about him ? Why couldn 't she just trust in him to tell her the truth ? " I think these old people are just obstacles to you , to be removed regardless of the price . " " That 's not true and … even if it was , what are we talking about , thirty people , fifty people ? The project I 'm planning for that block will employ ten thousand people . When it 's complete it will generate millions of dollars of new jobs , revitalize the neighborhood . " She was getting very angry and blew up . " At what price ? We 're talking about human beings ! " He tried to reason with her . " I 've been very , very generous with these people . " Doubts had begun to creep in and she felt like she was having a conversation with Tom again . And now , there it was … his admission . He did know about the bribes to get these people to move ! She looked at him in disgust . " I don 't have enough to go public yet but I promise you this isn 't over . " She turned and stormed from his office , holding back her tears . He chased her out the door but was caught short by the reporters hovering outside his office . Her heart was broken . How could she have been so misguided ? How could she have been so easily fooled ? Was Elliot really that ruthless ? Did lives mean so little to him ? How could she have fallen for someone with so little compassion ? Was the thrill of the takeover all that mattered to him ? " My God ! How could I have been so wrong , he is just like Tom ! Catherine went back to work and as she walked past his office , Joe called her inside . She meekly entered the room . Joe thought she looked like she 'd been crying but he wisely didn 't ask her about it . Edie had supplied him with the information she found on Burch . He suspected correctly that Catherine just had a confrontation with him . " We 've increased patrols and sent the people in the building notice of the punks ' release . They were told to be extra vigilant . " Catherine looked up at him and smiled gratefully . " Joe , who are you trying to kid ? It 's never slow around here . But , I 've got a couple of things to finish up , then I 'll leave . " Vincent sat pouring over maps in the library . Father walked in and came over by him . " You 're checking the maps , is there something wrong ? " Vincent looked at his Father then shook his head . " No , I was walking along a tunnel in the lower south side of the city and saw an entrance to a tunnel I 've never seen before . I thought I would check into it . I can 't find it here on the maps . " Father shrugged as he opened a book . " Perhaps with all the rain some walls have collapsed and exposed a new tunnel . Have you asked Mouse about it ? " No answer came so Father looked up and saw that Vincent was looking off in a daze . " Vincent ? " He tried again , even louder . " Vincent ? " Vincent interrupted him , immediately defending her . " Father , Catherine doesn 't know how I feel about her . The pain I feel is my own fault . She was concerned about my feelings and said she valued our bond and promised to not let things change . " Father exploded . " Vincent ! How can you be so naive ? Do you think she is going to get married and have kids then sneak off to this world to read books with you ? Or do you envision yourself reading with her and her husband , their children on the floor in front of you ? " Father winced when he realized how harsh he had been . He truly didn 't want to hurt Vincent but he wanted to make him realize how absurd his relationship with Catherine was . He wisely searched for another subject . " So , did you ask Mouse about the tunnel ? " Vincent left quickly . Father turned his attention to his book . His thoughts on Catherine were not very nice . " So the little princess had a tiff with her new lover , I suppose now she 'll be back again full force . " He shook is head disgustedly then felt his heart soften as he frowned . He knew how painful it was to lose someone you love and was sad that anyone had to go through that . With a sigh , he picked up a book . That night Catherine went to sit with Micha and Sophie . She wanted to tell them to be extra cautious because Leo Mundy 's men were back out on the streets . She felt it was her job to help them since they were strong enough to testify for her . She told them she had ordered extra patrols for the area but she didn 't know if it would be enough . Mishca was resting and Sophie invited her to stay for dinner . Catherine accepted and spent an enjoyable meal with the older couple . Sophie reprimanded her . " You need to eat more than that ! You 're just a little slip of a thing ! " Catherine was starving but would never say so . She knew these people lived on a fixed income . It worried her to think that they would offer her everything and not have enough for themselves . So Catherine , not wanting to hurt their feelings , lied . " Thank you , Sophie but I ate a late lunch . I 'm not very hungry right now . " Catherine helped clean the dishes . After dinner , the phone rang . It was another tenant warning about intruders in the building . The phone went dead while Sophie was still talking and then the lights went out . Catherine and Sophie hid in one of the abandoned apartments while Micha ran to organize the other tenants , hoping as a group they could try to protect themselves . Leo and his men were breaking down doors looking for the old people . As they got closer , Catherine 's fear exploded and Vincent ran to help her . The thugs were fighting the old people in the hallway when Leo came across the room Catherine and Sophie were hiding in . Catherine fought back and they struggled as they made their way out into the hallway . Suddenly , Vincent crashed through the window . He quickly disposed of the two men and advanced on Leo . Leo backed away from the snarling beast in front of him . Not looking where he was going , he tripped over one of his own men and fell through the open window to his death . He saw that most of the tenants nodded . A few of the men had bruises and cuts on their faces . " Can someone tell me what happened here ? " Catherine came forward . " Officer Carter , I 'm Catherine Chandler with the DA 's office . I was here informing these people that the men they bravely identified in a police line - up had been released and were back on the streets . These same men came here tonight and started a fight . As you can see by the bruises on some of the people , they were not just threatening them this time . " The officer nodded . Micha came forward . " That 's right . The men cut the power and the phone lines and came at us with bats . We armed ourselves and fought back . Two of the men are upstairs on the third floor . I believe they may still be alive . A third man , Leo Mundy tripped over his friend and fell out the window . No one was even near him when it happened . " The officer nodded as he wrote down all the information . He nodded to his partner who came forward . He and several other officers had made their way into the building . " Four guys down . Three on the third floor , two were unconscious , one has deep cuts in his chest and back , he 's dead , the third guy was on the ground level , must 've fallen out of the window . All four had weapons of some sort and nylon masks on them . " Catherine knew they were covering for Vincent and rushed to assure him . " Don 't worry . No jury would convict you , it was self defense . " The officer nodded again . " That 's true . Do all of you collaborate with this man 's story ? Does anyone have anything to add ? " Below , Vincent marveled at Catherine 's strength . He knew that most of the day her heart had been broken and that emotionally she was spent . He had felt the depth of her despair and guessed that something had happened between Elliot and her , something that angered her as well as saddened her . He also knew the moment she broke down and cried for all those lost dreams . He ran to grab a book from his chamber . He jotted a quick note in it then left to take it to her balcony before she got back , mindful of her need for privacy . Elliot caught up with Catherine at her apartment complex . She was not in a good mood after nearly being killed by men on his payroll . It gave her the strength to fight him . She told him she had enough on his management company to stop his project . The people would be safe in their homes . She walked away from him in disgust , shamed by the person he actually was . After she entered her apartment , she succumbed again to her heartbreak . She changed into pajamas and went out onto the balcony to gaze at the city . She saw a book on the table in front of her and discovered it was a book on sonnets written by Shakespeare . Vincent had carefully inscribed it … " Shakespeare knew everything " then left a dried rose marking a particular passage where she should read . Catherine thought fondly about Vincent . He understood everything and even as much as she had hurt him , he still came to her to ease her burden of heartbreak . Not intruding , but giving her the space she needed , while surrounding her gently with his thoughts . The phone rang inside her apartment . Earlier Elliot had tried to call so Catherine let the machine pick it up . She heard Jenny 's voice so she ran inside to answer . " In an attempt to prove his worth to me , I discovered that Arthur made some questionable decisions in the past few months . " Greg chuckled sarcastically . " Arthur has been arrested for hiring Leo Mundy 's firm . It was proven by the men who worked for Leo that Arthur had informed him to get the tenants out of that building any way that they could . He had approved their less than ethical means and even offered a bonus if they were out by the end of the month . " " District Attorney 's office had someone there . She testified that Mundy came after her personally . They struggled and she shoved him . He fell over his friend and fell out the window . She guaranteed it was self defense . " He already knew the answer and his stomach rolled when Hughes told him it was Catherine Chandler . He was sick with worry and called Catherine 's apartment and office several times but she refused his call . He tried to stop by her apartment but the doorman wouldn 't let him inside . He sent letters to her but they were returned as well . His heart ached with the need to explain to her what had happened , to prove to her he wasn 't involved . Below , a few days later , Vincent was reading the newspaper when he came across an article regarding Catherine and Elliot . He caught his breath and groaned softly . Father looked over at him . Father nodded and waited patiently for Vincent to comment further . When nothing more was said he impatiently asked . " Well are you going to tell me what it says or can I read it ? " Vincent shrugged . " It says that Catherine was seen leaving Elliot 's office just before the press conference . The reporter inferred that Catherine looked like she was crying . He also indicates that it took Elliot several moments to compose himself and conduct his interview . It goes on further and explains how Catherine was instrumental in shutting down Elliot 's latest building contracts . They 're calling it a multi - million dollar lover 's spat . " Father narrowed his eyes . " For you too , I suspect . " Vincent shrugged his comment off but Father continued . " Vincent , can I offer some advice . . . " Father interrupted him . " No , I wouldn 't do that again . I was merely going to suggest that you give Catherine a little time to come to terms with everything that has happened recently . " Vincent sent her a few notes over the next few weeks . She smiled whenever she saw Benny or the sandwich man coming towards her . The notes never said anything of importance they were just a reminder to her that he was near . She wondered when she would see him again . With a smile , she opened up the next case file . |
Tonight was " Happy Halloween " . . Trick or Treat ~ ! ~ ! Tracie and I took Ben out trick or treating and we had such a great time ~ ! Ben dressed up like Spiderman and he had a string of glow sticks around his neck so he would be seen when running from house to house . . Tracie also put some on his bucket . . He was very polite ~ ! He would ring the doorbell and when someone came to the door he would say " Happy Halloween " . . . and then they would put something in his bucket and he said " Thank You " . . . . . We had to stop at Donna 's house and get some treats . . He loves Donna . She takes care of him after school and on days there is no school . He was so excited to see her and show her his bucket of treats . . One lady gave him a plastic finger nail and he put it on his finger right away . . Oh boy that was the best treat ~ ! He really thanked her over and over ~ ! We stopped at this one house and he rang the doorbell . He waited and waited and then rang the bell again . . He sat down on the step and told us " She must be in the bathroom " . . we just laughed . . Pretty soon he stood back up and went to the door and he knocked on the door this time . . . A lady came to the door and gave him some candy . . He asked her if her doorbell was not working and she said yes , it doesn 't work . . He told her he waited on the step , because he thought she was in the bathroom . . . before he knocked on her door . . She laughed and told him thanks >>> He thanked her for the candy and that was our last stop . . On our way home he told his mom " First thing we get home Mom we are going to check out the loot " >> spread it all out and see all the goodies . . We had a great time and it was fun trying to keep up with Ben as he ran from house to house . . I woke up this morning at 3 a . m . Just couldn 't get back to sleep . So I decided to balance the checkbook . . Now that it is complete and all in order . I put on my jacket and went outside and looked at the moon . Oh it 's glorious this morning . . It 's 30 degrees outside ~ so I didn 't stay out too long . . Not much stirring this morning . . Picked up Ben yesterday at 4 and went to Casey 's store . Had to get a gallon of milk . . Ben wanted pizza so I bought him 3 pieces . . A gal I know that works , her name is Theresa asked me if I was going through town and if I was could I take her home . . I said sure . . When Theresa got in the car she told Ben and I it was her birthday . . Ben said " Would you like one of my pizza 's ? " She was surprised and said No thank you . When we got to her house Ben said " Lets sing Happy Birthday " . . so we did . . she was just beaming . . She told us she was 77 and she thanked us for singing . . She said it had been a long time since someone had sang her Happy Birthday . . I told Ben I was so proud of him for offering her a piece of his pizza and singing to her on her birthday . He was just a smiling in the back seat . . When we got to his house he charged out of the car and got his bike out of the garage and rode it all over the driveway and the sidewalks . . He was happy to be home . . He came into the house and saw that there was face painting markers on the table . . So he had me paint his face . . He loved it . . ~ ! I told him instead of wearing a mask for Halloween he should just have his face painted . . He is going to be Spiderman . . I made him pumpkin shaped sugar cookies today and I bought frosting and sprinkles to decorate them . . When his mom got home I showed her the cookies and she said that after she had supper they would decorate the cookies . . It 's almost 5 a . m . and I best get a couple hours of sleep . . Going to help Mrs . Wittenburg with her 2nd graders today . . I think I can fall back to sleep now . . This morning as I was looking out the window ~ I saw this squirrel coming to the feeder and sniffing the corn . . He lifts it up with his strong arms and starts snacking on the end . . yum yum ~ ! Now he picks it up and still is able to eat off the corn . . Didn 't get this picture but he then tried to carry if off the yard . . It was so funny . He would carry it and trip over it and then he would pick it back up and trip over it over and over again . I just sat and laughed . . He got to the edge of the yard and tried digging a hole to bury it , , , he gave up and just sat there eating and filling up his stomach . . He is getting ready for winter . Saturday I went out to lunch with Kim Wittenburg , the second grade teacher that I help twice a week . We went to Olive Garden . . I just love to eat here . . We had a chicken something with angel hair pasta and a salad with bread sticks . . IT was delicious . . After dinner we went to the cheap theater on Collins Road and went to a movie called Timothy Green . . When we got into the theater she said she was going to get some popcorn and I said I would go and find us a seat . . Get ready to laugh . . I went into the wrong theater . . I sat there and waited and waited and then finally when the movie started she came in to find me and said " Anne , , you are in the wrong theater . " . . I just laughed and laughed . . So I followed her into the right place and we settled down to watch a delightful movie . . I thought it was good . . The little boy that played Timothy was so cute . . When we came out of the theater there was a area where you could vote . . Early voting ? yes , , it was early voting . . I have already voted because I am a poll elected official and I needed to get it done before next Tuesday . . We walked to the Christian bookstore and found this wonderful CD for $ 1 . . It 's called " The Invitation " . . by Lee Strolbel . . I listened to it on my way home and it 's a great CD to give to people that haven 't committed to accepting God into their lives . . Had a great Saturday and today being Sunday was wonderful too . . Lazy day ~ ! Made ham and bean soup so I didn 't have to cook . . other than I made some corn bread . . Have a great Monday ~ ! ta ta for now from Iowa : ) Posted by Wickiup Nature Center Over the week - end Ben and his Mom , Tracie went to Wickiup Nature Center . It 's a great place to take children to introduce them to nature . . This week - end they had a Halloween Theme . . Ben said they walked on trails that had signs that told them what to look out for and if you found it you received a prize to put into your pumpkin bucket . . He had a lot of prizes in his bucket . Inside the building was this bull snake . . non poisonous . . He looks like a rattler snake and will even curl up and strike at you . . he can leave teeth marks but won 't hurt you seriously . . We have them on this farm and they are good for getting rid of mice and rats . . The old farmers tell you if you have a bull snake on your farm that is a good thing . This is the time of year that snakes get ready for hibernation . . It 's that time of year that we all have to get ready for the cold weather . . : ) Ben got his face painted while he was there . . When Tracie sent me this picture over my phone I thought he had a head bandanna on his head . . Nope ~ ! it 's all paint . . Ben the pirate ~ ! Cute . . Last night I went to his house and he showed me his new Spiderman scooter . It 's blue and red . . He has been wanting one for a month or more . This one has only two wheels , the one he had had four wheels . . So he is happy and he showed me how fast he could go around the sidewalk at his house . . We got out the markers , colored pencils and paper and drew people pictures , colored them ~ cut them out with scissors and then fastened them to bendable straws . . They were so cute ~ the bendable straws made it so the people we taped on them would bend in all directions . He said next time we should make some for Uncle Wally for his grave stone . . We could put them in a plastic bag to keep them dry and tape it to the stone and then the angels could come and take the pictures to Uncle Wally . . I teared up because he remembered our visit to the cemetery and going to Wally 's grave site . . I brought this tractor one home , I helped him make for Pa Pa Dee Dee . . He did most of the tractor and I put on the man . . We had lots of fun . Today is Monday and the storm clouds have moved in and I can hear rumbling of thunder and see lightening in the sky outside my window . . It could rain for a month here and we could still need rain . After the drought we had this summer ~ rain is welcome ~ ! Have a Tiggeriffic Day ~ ta ta for now from Iowa : ) Posted by It was sprinkling and Ben decided to put on his fireman 's raincoat and go out and jump on his trampoline . . He is so silly . He jumped in circles , he jumped sideways and had a really great time . . This is a great tool to burn off the extra energy he has and then settle down when we go back inside . . This was the best thing his Mom could of ever gotten for him . . I had taken him to the Dr . this day for a sore throat , headache , neck hurting and slight fever . . He wanted to stop in for pizza . . He ate one slice and drank his root beer . . He was feeling better . . Dr . said he didn 't have strep throat and his fever was gone and it was just a virus that was going around . . Thank goodness . ~ ! We went to a store called The Imagination Store . . He found this toy that was lots of different shapes and you put them together in order . . He said he made a diamond . Oh he loved this one . . I told him that his birthday was coming up and he needed to put it on his wish list . . He said " Take a picture " . . So here it is and he said maybe Aunt Jodie would see it and buy it for him . mmmm ? This is a great store for children to expand their minds . . We went past a cemetery and he said he wanted to go in to read what all those stones said on them . . It was Oak Shade Cemetery and that is where my oldest son is buried . . He was killed in a auto accident in 1995 , Ben has been talking about dying and death for quite awhile now and I thought mmmmm this would be a good place to talk about what happens when you die . . I told him that if you believe in God and you have a relationship with him ~ when you die the angels come and gather up your soul and take you to heaven to live with God . . Your body stays here and is placed in a box and a grave marker is put in place on top to say who you were , when you were born and the date or year you died . . It was quite good to see him understand what I was saying and he had lots of good questions . We walked around the cemetery and he looked at a lot of cemetery stones and had me read off their names . . then I was surprised when he could read the dates of the years . . like nineteen hundred or eighteen hundred or even two thousand . . For Ben only being 5 years old I thought this was remarkable . He also told me after I read what it said on the tombstone , that the girls names were on the left and the boys names were on the right . . I told him someday when he gets married his wife would stand beside him on the left and he would be on the right . . We had a great time at the cemetery . We found this tombstone of a young man who must of liked music a lot . . I just love what it says here . . Today is Monday and it 's a sunny day . . After two days of much needed rain it 's really nice to see the sun again . . The birds are enjoying it this morning . It 's a very nice 50 degrees this morning with the promise of 65 by this afternoon . Mr . Cardinal looks so bright at this feeder . I miss hearing their beautiful song . . What Cheer What Cheer . It 's coming onto fall here and all the birds are settling into cold weather just like people . . Got out the winter coats , scarves , mittens , boots hats and am ready for the colder weather that will arrive soon . Here they are the gobblers of the feeders . . They are so bright blue . . Right now I can see 6 of them out there scrambling after the black oil sunflower seed . The other birds are waiting for their turn to eat . . Blue rules for right now at this feeder . . Got to see Ben this morning for just a minute . . The library at school has a fund raiser to raise money to buy new books . . Today is penny day . Each class is to bring their pennies to school today . . tomorrow is nickel day and Wed . is dime day and Thursday is quarter day . . Which ever class brings in the most money by the end of the week , can have an ice cream party with the principle of the school . . Ben was so excited when his Dad stopped at the house this morning and I ran out a big bag of pennies . He said " Thanks Gran Annie " . . tomorrow is Nickel day ~ ! . . I said ' Yes , Ben we will be ready with our nickels . . He always seems to remember what is coming up at school , like what day to wear a green shirt or a red one . Or sometimes your favorite football team . . Just love that boy . . Have a great Monday ~ ! I know I 'm going to do that ~ Dave brought home some apples and I 'm going to make a apple pie . . Nothing is better than warm apple pie with a cup of coffee . . Dave went to town this morning ~ maybe he will bring home some vanilla ice cream to put on top . . yum yum ~ ! Ta Ta For Now From Iowa : ) Where it 's sunny and bright ~ ! Posted by Last Sunday Oct . 7th ~ Ben came to my house to play . . His Mom had a migraine and needed a nap . . It was a beautiful fall day and he wanted to go down by the creek , behind our property . . I decided to drive down to the road at the North of our property and take a look at that side of our land . . I have a cache down there called Zippity Do Dah and it needed to be checked out . . A cache is part of geocaching . . It 's a blue bird house and I have the hole covered so birds can 't get into the box . . There is a log sheet and treasure inside for fellow geocachers to sign and then report online to www . geocaching . com that they found this cache and how they liked it . . First thing we found was the nail that kept the door closed was gone and a little mouse had taken refuge . . I suppose it thought this would be a great winter home . . We drove back up to the house and got a hammer and another nail in the shed and drove back down to the cache . . I held Ben up to the birdhouse and he drove the nail into the wood and then we bent it over to hold the door shut . . He took out the nest the mouse had made and this huge spider crawled out . . He hit the spider with the hammer and smashed him flat . . He laughed ~ ! good thing the mouse wasn 't there . . . he would of squashed him too . . . We put the log sheet back into the nest and the plastic bag of goodies . closed the door . We took a walk and found this tree stand . . He didn 't hesitate at all , he went to the ladder and climbed up . . He sat down and said " GranAnnie do you think I could fly ? " I said ' NO WAY " << He said " Just kidding " . . He really liked it up there and said he could see lots of things up there . . He said the creek hardly has any water . . Because of the drought we are having here there is not much water flowing . When it was time for him to come down he just turned around and came down with no problem . . It was a fun time with him in the pasture and we found lots of bird nests in the trees . We went down to the creek and saw lots of frogs jumping around . . animal tracks and rocks . . The other day I picked him up at school and we went to WalMart to buy snacks for him to take to school the next day . . It was his turn for snack day . . He picked out those small oranges ( which I had to peel ~ all 20 of them . can 't bring oranges without peeling them ) and pretzel sticks . . We always have to go to the toy section and look to see if any new lego 's are there . . Nothing new today . But he found this mask . . Star Wars . . . IT even talks . . He was so excited ~ ! When we got home he said " GRAN ANNIE CAN YOU SEE ME NOW ? " >>>> I laughed and told him I could see his eyes just a little . . He loves this mask and had a great time wearing it all around the house . . . Now he wants another one he saw on the box . . I told him his birthday was coming up in November and he should add it to his wish list . . Lets see ? He has a new bike ~ a new scooter ~ the red mask ~ a new DSI game ~ and a batman cape with accessories on his list . . Wonder what will be added to the list next . . . Today is Saturday and this morning it was so dark outside for such a long time . . We had to keep the lights on in the house until noon . It 's a rainy day ~ ! Yeah ~ ! We haven 't had rain for so long and we need it really bad . . The birds are busy at the feeders ~ ! I gathered corn from the corn we have in the field to feed the birds this winter . I put out a few pieces and the Blue Jays are gulping them into their craw . . I think that is what it 's called . . They are busy along with Mr . Squirrel . . Our Annual Trip to Balltown , Iowa We go to Balltown , Iowa to Briechbach Restaurant every October to see the leaves on the trees and eat the delicious food that is served here . . We went here on Friday afternoon . I picked up Ben an hour early from school so we could get there before the crowd showed up . . it was a good thing . When we left there was quite a few people in line . . Tracie 's friend Brian came with us this year . . He is such a nice young man . Ben really likes him and if you notice they are wearing the same kind of shirt . . Iowa . . . Ben was being really silly looking through the binoculars . It was a cold day even thou the sun was out shining . . Here is a picture of Tracie , Ben and Brian . We had a really great time eating and enjoying the scenery . Brian and I took Ben over to the feed store that is across the street . They have lots of dried flowers , herbs , squash , apples , pumpkins , gourds . . Ben picked out 3 large pumpkins and was so excited . . I love fall and all the color and pumpkins and all that is involved . . . with October . This time of year there are a lot of October fests . The is the view from where we were standing . . The Mississippi River is in the distance , you can see it if you knew where to look . It 's quite a view . On the way home the sun was shining brightly and we saw two sun dogs . . The sun was setting and the sky was so red . . When riding in a car it 's hard to get just the write spot to get the picture one wanted . There 's so many hills here in this part of Iowa that it was difficult to get the one I wanted . . If anyone tells you that Iowa is flat ~ tell them they haven 't been in the North . Today being Saturday ~ I decided to get out the big suitcase out of the closet . I keep my winter clothes in this suitcase and now that warm weather is pretty much over it was time to make the switch . I went through my summer clothes and picked out the ones I wanted to keep for next year and made a pile for Goodwill . I put all my summer clothes and shoes in this suitcase and put my winter ones on the bed . . Got them all hung up in my closet and put some in my dresser . Now I 'm ready for cold weather . . I love the suitcase method . . Not enough storage space in this house and this sure helps . . Plus I go through them and decide which ones go to Goodwill before they go back into the suitcase . Made Ham and Bean soup today . . Was looking for a corn bread recipe and found one on one of the blogs I follow . . Crazy As A Loom . . . She has recipes on her blog and this one was so good . . Today was very cold and tonight is suppose to freeze . . I went out and covered up some of my flowers . . Does anyone know what kind of flower this is , it 's blooming right now . . It is next to the seduHopes someone can help . . Ben and I were outside kicking the soccer ball around and the ball got into the corn . . Ben went in to get the ball and he was shaking the corn . . He said " GranAnnie this corn rustles " . . He liked the sound and walked on the outer edge of the field with his arms making the corn move . . I could see where he was by watching the corn tassles above move as he walked . I won 't let him go too far into the corn . That is how children and adults get lost . . They get inside and can 't find their way out . . I told him this week = end we would cut corn down and make a corn shock . . . and maybe make a few pumpkin people to sit on the hill by the end of the driveway . . He decided to lay on the ball and told me to take an upside down picture of him . . . He thought this picture was so cool ~ ! We went into the house and I got some paper out and had him draw circles on the paper with my circle template I bought . . He was having a ball making circles . . Then I brought out the lower case alphabet sheet and told him to make the letters inside the circles . I had some watercolor paints and a little bowl of water and a paint brush . He drew the letters inside the circles with colored pencils and then he really liked the idea of using the paint to color in the circles . He had a great time doing this and he filled in all the circles . . I told him tomorrow when he comes he can cut out the circles and we can glue them on a piece of paper and put the letters in the right order . . I thought he would like this a lot . . I 'm trying my best to find ways for him to practice his lower case letters and put them in order . . His Dad came to pick him up and take him to his house . . have supper and then read some books and go to bed and start the day off again . Pa Pa Dee Dee and Ben riding on the John Deere 530 I just love this picture of Pa Pa Dee and Ben riding on the John Deere 530 . . Think I will frame this one and give it to Ben to put on his dresser at his mom 's house . . I 'll bet even Aunt Jodie would like a copy of this one . . After I picked up Ben at Donna 's house ( his daycare provider after school ) we went to my house . Pa Pa Dee Dee was just getting the JD out of the shed . . Ben of course wanted a ride . . So off he went with his legs a flying . . and climbing on that tall tractor . . with ease . . He has such strong arm muscles , he makes it look so easy . . He was being silly in this one , not sure what he was trying to do but he liked it . . I suppose we are going to get into the age that every kid does including my four . . A time when they think it 's funny to stick out the tongue or make funny faces or do this with their hands . . Silly boy . . After I took the picture ~ Ben and I went into the house to fix supper . . I took out his work from his school folder and said ' OH Ben look you have homework " . . ( while he was outside with Dave I slipped into his folder and put in a work sheet I had for lower case alphabet and wrote homework on the top ) He said " Gran Annie this isn 't from my teacher it 's from you . . . that is your handwriting " . . I couldn 't believe he could know that . . . I just laughed and said Yes , Ben you are right . . could you please practice writing your lower case letters and I 'll help you . . . He said I 'll do it with Mom . . So we played a game of Old Maid . . He loves that game . . I got him a card holder so he can hold his cards in front of him without me seeing them . . I have taught him to be a good sport and it doesn 't matter who won it matters how you play the game . . . and congratulate the winner even if it 's not you . . When he wins he always pats himself on the back . . if I win he says " Congratulations Gran Annie " . . We had supper and then Tracie took Ben home . . She called me later and said she set up a point system with Ben with Skittles . . She has these little plastic bowls with lids and they went over his word list and he would say the word and write it on paper . . For every word written with good penmanship he got a skittle and he put the colored skittle in it 's own bowl . . He showed them to me this morning . . He had a bowl of green ones , red ones , blue ones , ect . He was so excited . Took Ben to school this morning and on the way there he decided he didn 't want to buy his lunch . Good thing my house is on the way to school , we stopped and we gathered some things for him to put in his lunch box which I keep at my house . . then quickly back in the car and off to school . He was so happy this morning he just talked and talked about what he had done with his Mom last night . They made Jello and worked on getting points . . I told him that if he had a great day and didn 't get his name in the yellow or red cup he could play with my Kindle Fire when I picked him up thPosted by Ben and Mr . Squirrel Found this picture of Ben eating a blue sucker . . We are at Gay Mills , Wisconsin visiting the apple orchard and buying apples . . It was a great day and we had a fun day . . Ben is with his Dad this week = end camping with Jo Gram his other Grandma . . I talked with her today and she said that she got Ben to practice making his letters . . Upper Case and Lower Case . . Then they went for a bicycle ride on the trail . . He loves to do that . . Hope he has a good day at school tomorrow . . Look at this squirrel stretching to get to the grape jelly . . . I 'll bet his lips are going to be purple . . and his paws sticky sticky sticky . . I 'm sure he will groom himself later . Look at this fatso ~ ! Now he is draping over my bird feeder gobbling up the black oil sunflower seeds . . I always say if you feed the birds be ready to feed the squirrels . . They are such hogs . . I opened the window and yelled " HEY " . . He went to the tree and then he kept a watch on where he had been . Then we had a stare down to see who would leave first . . I stood my ground and looked him eye to eye and he watched me waiting for me to leave . . . I finally left and decided to see what he would do next . . Yep you guess right he was back to the grape jelly . . Had a great day today . . Went to church and cleaned out my Sunday School room . There was a lot to throw away . It looks so much better . . My friend Holly is helping me teach . . . She does one month and I 'll do the next one . . We have 3rd graders to 5th . . Came home and watched the Ryders Cup Golf Tournament . Was so proud of Zach Johnson the pro golfer from Iowa . . He did a great job even thou U . S . A . lost and Europe won . . Crisp morning of 46 and the sun is shining so brightly . The Green Ash Tree is bright yellow this year . . The leaves on the trees have never been so colorful as they are this year . I just love fall with the air so clean , no humidity and ending the day with it being so warm . It could stay this way until next March . . I know I 'm living in the wrong state . But I do like all the seasons that we get to have here in Iowa . . I really do like the snow which I hear this winter according to the Farmers Almanac we won 't be seeing much snow . . It worries me a bit as the Mississippi River is shrinking and the creek behind our property is not flowing anymore . . This creek always has water in it regardless how dry it has been . We are in a severe drought here in our area and I was hoping for lots of snow to replace what we lost this summer . . Now I hope our well holds up and it doesn 't dry up . . That won 't be nice . . Took this picture of Mr . Squirrel hanging upside down on the bird feeder . He found the bowl of grape jelly the Orioles had and they left and the hummingbirds left and now I guess he thinks it 's his turn . . Sorry the picture is not closer , took it with my phone . . I only have 1 squirrel and he gets fed well . Today I 'm going out to the corn field and gather corn and put it in a big plastic tub and store in my garage . . That way I 'll have it for this winter and Mr . Squirrel won 't go hungry . Ben decided to climb trees again and he is getting to be quite a climber . He needs a tree house like his Mom had when she was his age . . She pretty much lived in the trees to read books , do her homework , play with her dolls . . Yesterday Ben came home from school and said he got in trouble . . He called his teacher stupid and told some girl she was a fart . . Boys and their language . . He doesn 't like to do the lower case alphabet and refused to do his work at school . . So his teacher wrote in big letters . . HOMEWORK on the top of the page . . So he called her stupid . . When I brought him here I tried working with him and he just broke down and cried . I had made oatmeal raisin cookies and told him we needed a cookie and milk break . . and gave me some time to talk with him and get . the primary paper that I had bought that has the dotted lines to divide the upper case and the lower case letters . I gave him a sheet and I took one . . I had him watch how I was making the letters , and told him to make the same letter on his page . We went one letter at a time . . It worked and we got his HOMEWORK all done . . I think he was just having a hard time knowing how to make those letters and putting them in order . . Later I got out some computer paper and showed him how to put tempera paint in the middle of the folded paper and then smash it together . . I was showing him what symmetrical was and he was so excited to see what the design would be when the paper was unfolded . . I told him we would let it dry and the next time he comes we can take scissors and markers and make something out of what we might see in the design . . He said the one looked like a 3 eyed monster . . I have colored paper and we can glue our designs onto the paper after we cut them out and use markers to draw on them . . Should be fun on Monday after school . . I pick him up at daycare pretty much everyday after he is dropped off after school and bring him to my house so I can play with him until one of his parents comes pick him up at 5 or 5 : 30 . We always have a good time when he is here and I like it because I get to see him once a day . . Wish my other grandchildren lived close to me so we could have more time to be together . . I 'm sure their parents would like that too . . Have a great Saturday ~ ta ta for nowPosted by Ben loves this monkey playground equipment . My kids ( 4 ) used to play on this ~ when they went to elementary school . It has been moved to a little town South of where we live . . Whittier , Iowa . . It is now at the Community Building in Whittier . . He loves to climb on this and pretend he is Spider Man . This is the last HURRAH of fall ~ ! This little guy has been here all summer and he was drinking up the sugar water a lot for the last 5 days . . More so than all summer . He must be getting filled up to fly south . I think hummingbirds are so sweet , even thou they territorial and they dive bomb at each other fighting for the feeder . . I have 3 feeders out and one jelly feeder which they really went for a lot . . I had 5 hummers this summer and now I have none . . they have all gone south . Ben was here at my house on Saturday and I had bought tulip bulbs to plant . . He was so excited . . He went to the shed and got the shovel and I got the garden hose and the bone meal . He helped dig the holes . It was pretty hard digging as we are in a drought . . We managed to get 12 holes dug and Ben put them into the hole after I added the bone meal . Then we added water as the package suggested . . He loved it ~ ! Here he is being so silly . . He is hugging the shovel . . and telling me " I Love This Shovel " . . Ben the water boy . . We had a great time outside and we put small sticks as markers to mark the spot where the bulbs are planted . It will be fun this Spring when we see sprouts springing up and the tulips bloom . They are going to be pink . . I love pink tulips . . We came inside ~ washed out hands and ate supper and then we got his newest lego 's out that his Mom had bought . He love lego 's . . He was very happy with his boat , it even had a shark . . We had a great day and his Mom came and picked him up and took him home . . Kisses and Hugs ~ ! It was such a nice day , I picked up Ben early from Day Care and brought him to my house . We went outside and he had fun blowing bubbles . . The wind was just right that the bubbles went into the air and floated really high . . He laughed and thought that was so fun . . HE made some really big bubbles . I love how his lips are blowing on that small hole of the bubble maker . We went over to my friends house , Caroll to look at her baby kitties . . Here is Ben holding the MaMa . . kitty . . MaMa Kitty had 10 kitties and they are all in a big basket in Caroll 's garage . . He is holding one of the kitties and is being so careful . . He liked the grey one and wanted to take him home . I said , " Rocco your dog doesn 't like cats and that would not be a good idea " . . He said " O . K " . . then he asked Caroll if he could come over and visit them as they grew up . . He loves cats . . He has a cat that lives at his Dad 's house . His cat is a large yellow cat named GoGo . It used to be named Jacob , but he has a good friend named Jacob and changed the cats name . . Yesterday afternoon after we got home he was going to help me feed the birds . . I was in the garage getting a bucket of Black Oil Sunflower Seed . . I came out of the garage and was able to see that a Huge Black Walnut fell out of the tree where Ben was standing . It landed right on his right shoulder . . He was so surprised . . He said " GranAnnie something or someone just dropped this big green ball out of this tree and it hit me on the shoulder . . " He was rubbing his shoulder and said it hurt really bad . . I told him that the squirrels have been collecting food for winter and that it was probably a squirrel that had that big walnut in his mouth and couldn 't hold it anymore and dropped it . I told him he was just in the right spot to be hit with that walnut . . He said lets get a ladder I 'm going up there and swat that squirrel . . . I just laughed and told him how fast squirrels were and we would not be able to get near him . . I walked over to where the walnut tree is and showed him all the walnuts on the ground and all the ones that were hanging in the tree . . Ben said " Well , lets not stand here , you well get hit with a lot of them " . . So we went into the house and played Old Maid . . He loves to play cards . . |
A New Years resolution can be as simple as promising to say " I love you " more often . It can be as difficult as swearing not to kill your spouse this year . There is a lot of room in between as well . The problem with deciding to make this year the year you will stop smoking is that it could be a hard promise to keep . Most smokers have done so for a long time . Sometimes it takes a long time to quit . And as we all know if something is difficult we do not necessarily put in the effort needed to accomplish our goals . Most New Years Resolutions are abandoned within a few days . We make them with good intentions but our flesh is weak . So we think maybe we will resume dieting next week when the holiday goodies are all gone and the temptation is less . Somehow next week never comes . So with the above in mind and with personal experience I resolved many years ago to make no resolutions . It has worked quite well . I do not disappoint myself . I feel no sense of failure . What I do is if I see a problem that needs fixing I try to fi it . This might happen in May or September . Deal with it when it happens . It seems to work better for me . My parents raised me to be an independent thinker . I am also not afraid of hard work although I would rather sit back with a good book and a cup of tea . I never developed a taste for coffee so tea it is . I met my husband on a Saturday night . That was the night all the kids " hung out " downtown . He was driving around with a couple of his friends and I was with my sister and a couple of my friends . It was shortly after Christmas . We made a date for New Years Eve . The guys would pick us up at my house . them that we could not go with them . They wanted us to just get in the car and go . My girlfriend said she was not grounded and she was going . My sister and I decided to go too . So we jumped in the car and took off . My parents were furious . My father actually spanked us . With a belt ! He did not hurt us . It was one of those times that he needed to do something and a spanking seemed to be in order . We were re - grounded with a much longer sentence . to get married . I was out of high school and working at the hospital . He worked for a farmer that lived less than a mile from the farm my family had moved to . gather the bales of hay for stacking we had an old farm truck with a flatbed trailer behind it . Attached to the truck was a machine that , if correctly positioned while the truck was moving , would act as an elevator and deposit the bales on the flatbed . The person on the flatbed I was doing quite well at centering the bales so the elevator would pick them up . I was driving right along until there was a knock on the door of the truck . I had turned too fast on a little hill and dumped my boyfriend and several bales off the truck . I was a bit more careful after that and we had no more accidents . of bales arranging them and my boyfriend went over to talk to his father . His father was furious . He told his son to get up there and not let me do all that hard work . His father and I both worked at the hospital . Soon after that he was going around telling anybody who would listen that I was going to be his daughter - in - law . I guess he liked my gumption . So we had the money for everything . The problem was that in our state he was too young to marry without parental consent . He went to his mother to get her to sign the paper . I went with him . She refused at first . Finally she relented and signed . She told us not to " tell Dad " that she had signed . She had no idea that he approved . were going to live in a farm house owned by the farmer my husband worked for . It was common for farmers to buy other farms and rent out the houses on them . Sometimes they became part of the wage package . We spent our first night there . full married day at my parent 's house crying my eyes out . My mother insisted the marriage would be annulled . My husband would drive by or stop in the middle of the road and try to get me to go with him . night Daddy began to soften . He could see how miserable I was . That night he told me he would see if he could get Mom to bend a little too . next morning when I got up my mother - in - law was there with my husband . She sensibly explained that we were married . Maybe they should let us be When I tell my children this story they are amazed . It is very hard to explain how we were raised to obey our parents . Even though I was grown ( and now married ) I was still their daughter . My brother - in - law called me late this afternoon . My sister has been in the hospital for about a week . As you might remember she had a stroke a few years ago . She is still unable to move her left side . She is able to speak clearly and her mind is working the way it should . She is in the hospital because of breathing problems . Because she cannot move by herself her lungs tend to fill with fluid . Even with the hospital bed and raising the top of the bed she cannot sit up . That is a common thing with bed - ridden people . Fluid in the lungs . My brother - in - law has been taking care of her and their house for all this time . Occasionally a therapist comes in to keep her muscles moving because she can not do it herself . That is when my brother - in - law tried to run to the store or do other quick errands . That way she would not be alone . So my brother - in - law told me that my sister is being released from the hospital late tomorrow morning . She is being transported to a nursing home or as they call it a long - term care facility to make it sound nicer . He said she was feeling nervous about the move and wanted me to give a call . Of course I called her right away . That was when I found out he was actually in the room with her . She needed me to call her instead of him handing her his phone . They have been talking for a while about her going to a place like this . Her husband saw the facility and told me it was very nice . She knew it was coming but she was a little afraid . That was when he promised her that he would visit her every day . Her son also lives nearby and I know he will also visit every day . I need to call him tomorrow because I know he will be upset too . I told her I knew that she was isolated and bored at home . Her husband was trying to do everything . That meant there was not a lot of time for him to simply sit and visit for long periods of time . I pointed out that she would make friends with the nurses who would be in and out of her room all day . There would be therapists doing the same . And knowing my sister I am sure she will make friends with some of the ambulatory patients and they could visit with her . I am hoping they will be able to take her out in the sun once in a while . I told her that they will have crafts and other activities to keep her mind busy . If they have wheel chairs that she can sit in she could maybe go to a community room to socialize . Maybe she could play checkers or something . She mentioned that they would have to get her a television for her room . I suggested checking on EBay . I got my son a laptop for Christmas there . I have already given it to him because he too is bored out of his mind . But I digress . Maybe they can find a good deal there . Then I told her , " If they do not take care of you call me . I will fix it . If they leave wrinkles in the sheets call me . If they try to make you eat something you do not like call me . I will fix it . " I also told her she can call just to complain if she wants to . ( She used to be a pro at that . ) She told me that her husband told her that if she does not like it there he will take her back home . That is a good thing . But I told her to give it a few days . She will probably hate it for at least a couple of days and she will need time to get over that . I did not say that she will probably never be completely happy there . Who would be ? But I think the extra people there will be good for her . She sounded so little and forlorn . I think she probably cried when we hung up our phones . I heard the quiver in her voice . I think more than anything she is afraid of being forgotten . I can certainly understand that . I hope it works out for her . She is so frustrated with not being able to take care of herself . It has to be scary . It is winter in the Northern Hemisphere . Many places have had a lot of snow . Some of those places are not used to having all that white stuff . I have a few ways to use snow that are tasty and will make a dent is great for the liquid in soup . And you can use whatever ingredients you like to go into the luscious liquid . I always say there is no way you can hurt a soup . the day of the soup a huge pot was brought forth and put on the campfire . The meat was browned and then each can was opened and dumped into the pot . For additional liquid snow was used . The soup was always good even when spinach and pork and beans were some of the ingredients . you know I like to keep the children busy and active . Give them each a large plastic container or bucket . Make sure to tell them to get only clean snow then turn them loose in the yard . This will give you time to get your materials together . Snow cones are fun . You can make a syrup from Kool - Aid and sweetener or buy flavored syrups . A variety of flavors is a good idea because if there are more than two children , someone will not like one that the others like . Mixing flavors Sugar on snow is another fun treat . It is traditionally made when the maple sap is harvested . Heat the syrup to soft boil ( about 234 degrees Fahrenheit ) . I use a candy thermometer because it takes out the guess work . The children can tightly pack the snow into small bowls . Pour the hot syrup over the packed snow without stirring . The syrup will harden into a taffy - like candy as soon as it hits the cold snow . The children can twirl it around forks or popsicle sticks and eat . This treat is often served with sour pickles to cut the sweetness of the candy . Who likes ice cream ? It is super easy to make with snow . You will need a large bowl and a large spoon . Put 8 cups of snow into the bowl . Add one can of sweetened condensed milk and one teaspoon of vanilla extract . Stir well . Serve in cones or dishes immediately . Baobing is a dessert made in many Asian countries . From simple beginnings it has evolved into something a little more elaborate . Use a soup bowl and create a large mound of firmly packed snow . Pour fruit with its own syrup over the top . a pinch of salt together to make the batter . Heat butter or oil in a skillet and drop spoonfuls of the batter into the skillet . When the top bubbles , flip and cook until golden . Serve with whatever topping you enjoy . I have read that adding even 1 tablespoon of snow to your regular He found a contact number so he could call them . He asked them why he did not receive notification . Oh they could not fill the order because there was a mix - up on the order itself . They were " so sorry " . Could they help him make the necessary corrections so the order would go through ? No . They were " so sorry " . What they could do is cancel the order so he could reorder . Unfortunately the charge for the original order would not be corrected for up to 5 business days . He reluctantly agreed . My son went back online . He reordered the phone . I helped with some of it . Everything went as it should . He received his notification by email . Yay ! Then he entered the zip code for our address . Error . He realized he was supposed to enter the zip code his old phone was registered to . He entered that . Error . He called again to find out what was wrong . Gee golly . They were " so sorry " he was having a problem . They did not know what was wrong . Did he try typing in his zip code ? Perhaps he should use the zip code of the store for his old carrier and see if that would work . Guess what . Error . My son was getting frustrated . I said I would call the new company . I spoke to a very nice young man who was almost understandable . His accent was that of someone who had not been speaking English long . He was " so sorry " we were having a problem . He would try to see if he could help . He spent a long time but no help was forthcoming . He transferred me to someone else . I was becoming extremely exasperated . When he hemmed and hawed about not being able to do anything I began asking questions . He tried to give technical nonsense answers that meant nothing . I kept asking questions . Then he said to give it some time and it might clear itself up . I asked him if he was just saying that to get rid of me . He answered yes . I hung up . After composing myself I called again . A nice woman answered . I could not understand her at all . It was not an accent problem . She talked so fast my ears could not keep up with her mouth . I asked her to slow down . She was " so sorry " . She would see what she could do to solve the problem . Could she alter the order to reflect the correct zip code ? She did not have the authority to do that . Did she have a supervisor I could speak with ? She did . Now we were getting somewhere . A nice man greeted me on the phone . He was " so sorry " we were having a problem . He could not alter the order because the process of activation was so far along . Perhaps they could help at the store in the nearest town . He went into his computer and tried to change the zip code . He said that sometimes he could make the changes and sometimes not . He could not . It would have to be done at a corporate store . I drove 30 miles in a mix of rain and snow to go home . I picked up some fast food on the way . I was in no mood or condition to cook . In the meantime I called the new carrier . I asked to speak to the manager who said I should call back if anything changed . Once again I was on an interminable hold . In the very early days of Ireland the Tuatha De Danann were the inhabitants . When invaders made it clear that this race would be destroyed , the Tuatha De Danann went underground . They lived in mounds that are now called Sidhe . Sidhe is pronounced as shee . is pronounced as Ban . It means woman . So a Banshee is a woman fairy . But she is not just any fairy . She has a specific function . She announces the death of a family member and mourns the death . is another fairy that is usually associated with Scotland called the bean - nighe . or bean - sith . Her name means washer woman . She is found washing bloody clothes , armor , and even body parts belonging to the soon - to - be deceased . is also considered that she was once a woman who was paid to mourn at the funeral of an important person . She would caoineadh ( keen ) long and loud to usher the deceased out of this world . These keeners often bonded is dressed in the costume of a young peasant girl of ancient times . There may be a bit of color in her clothing . She may be dressed in white or off white , similar to a shroud . Or she might be dressed in black or gray . Often she has a green dress with a black cape over it . hair is most interesting . The color may be gray , white , black , or red . It is very long and floats around her as if she were floating in water . Apparently it is her one vanity . seen combing her hair with a silver comb . If you see a comb when you are out do not pick it up , especially if it is silver . That will give the banshee the right to whisk you away then and there . the cry of the banshee is meant to alert the family to an impending death . She does not kill them . She simply waits for the person to die . She mourns before and after the death . Often she will mix in with the mourners at the funeral . Then she escorts the person to the proper place top . It is drawn by headless horses and driven by a Dullahan ( headless rider ) . Hve you heard the cry of the banshee ? What a tale that would be . . Posted by Right now my time is being consumed by my son coming home . Please keep that in mind because I am so happy about it and a lot of my posts will probably be about him . As this one is . I mentioned that he occasionally had 48 hour passes to come home . He had to sign out at a certain time and I would pick him up . Then he had to call to let them know when we arrive at home . There are to be no stops or visits in the process . When it is time for him to leave he must call to let them know that he is leaving . Again no stops on the way . He must be back on time or he is violation of his terms and can be sent back to prison . Also during the time he was here they made random calls to make sure he was actually here . The calls come any time of day or night . He recognizes the phone number so he answers the phone . It is the way he answers that might interest you . I will not use his real name but I need a name so you will get the full picture . I chose Joe Blow . " Hello ? I want to report a prisoner running down the street in his underwear . " " Federal prisoner Joe Blow . I was beginning to think you forgot about me . " " Sorry I took so long to answer . I was down digging my escape tunnel . " I have no idea whether they think he is as cute as I do ( as he does ) . It seems as if they rather enjoy a sense of humor . He was recently fitted with an ankle monitor . He is home and he will no longer be staying at the halfway house . They still make the random calls because it is the rules . I do not understand why because the monitor will show them where he is . Then when we are leaving to take him back he calls them to report that he is leaving to go back . As we were putting on our coats today he called them . We all then went to my vehicle for the ride to the halfway house . My son got in the back . I got in to drive . My older son went to the passenger 's side to get in and the boys started to laugh . My son pulled him out of the truck . He rushed back in before my son could stop him . I was able to keep him from escaping to the back yet again . I guess he knew that was where he should ride . My son managed to get him out again . The dog was struggling to jump in again but my son managed to hold him down a little . He was certainly enthusiastic . When we were finally ready to back out and begin our journey we did not know where the dog was . The boys saw him on their side of the vehicle . I suddenly saw him run in front of the truck and around my side . I had no idea where he was and did not want to back over him . Cittercup a great name ? I do not remember her much . I do remember that we learned to read , print , add and subtract in kindergarten . In first grade we learned cursive writing , multiplication and division , and we were reading out of the same reader that I read after we moved and I was I would love to say that it was just because I was so intelligent that they had to teach me all those things at such a young age . The thing is that every child in my grade learned the same things I did . And that was Toward the end of the first grade we moved to another town . As it was before , there were three grades to a room . . . kindergarten , first grade , and second grade . The same teacher taught all three grades , including music and recess . Miss Hayhurst was a middle - aged woman . As far as I know she never married . She had no children . But she was so loving and caring . Not the mushy kind of stuff like hugging and kissing . It 's just that every single one of her students knew they were special . You never saw so many She welcomed us to come in early and visit with her . After school she remained to grade papers and do whatever it was she did . We often went home to change to play clothes and have a snack then we would go back up We were bussed to the nearest " big " town to join the children from all over the area to be vaccinated . The boys from our room rode the school bus with the other children . Miss Hayhurst did not want to ride the bus so the girls from my grade ( all three of us ) rode with her in her Pontiac . How exciting . We felt terribly adult . Miss Hayhurst appreciated our differences . She got to know each one of us and took a genuine interest in our little personalities . She was the teacher who recognized that I could memorize fairly long poems and recite them . She also recognized that I am a real " ham " ( my term not hers ) . I loved performing in front of audiences . Hence the recital of poems by me at the programs the school periodically held for parents . She suggested to my mother that she expose me to the classics such as Shakespeare and other classical writers and poets as soon as I was old enough . She did that sort of thing for all the students . And I know that A very pretty little girl moved to town . She was in the same grade as one of my brothers . They also were in Miss Hayhurst 's room . Anyway this little girl also had the prettiest clothes . She had cute little outfits with can - cans ( crinoline petticoats heavily starched ) that made her full skirts stand out so fully . And there were so many of them . Most of us had just a few dresses and to be honest they were rather shapeless and drab . Ugly plaids ( which I still hate ) were the norm for most of us . own . During art class we would draw and color her clothes of that day . Then in writing class we would write a description of the dress . We kept each page in order . When we had seen all of her pretty dresses we made book covers out of construction paper and crayons . Then pieces of yarn tied everything into a book . It was fun . I do not lord it over someone else when I win . I also do not get angry if I do not win . If I have done my best then I am happy . Plus I can enjoy someone else 's talent . So I was that nasty kid in school who always had to be done first and have the best grade . If we had a test I attacked it with gusto . Then I would happily march to the teacher 's desk to hand it in before anyone else was done . Learning comes easily to me so I almost always had the best grade possible . Often when we arrived in the morning I would notice something different about Miss Hayhurst . Maybe she was combing her hair differently or she had on an especially attractive sweater . I would write a quick note to her before handing in a paper . When I would receive the graded paper back Miss Hayhurst would answer my note with a polite thank you . Miss Hayhurst had a lovely singing voice . In the morning before we started classes we would say the pledge of allegiance and a prayer . We still prayed in school those days . And it was before the " under God " was We would have a snack of milk and perhaps cookies mid - morning . Then we would pull out the small rugs we had all brought to leave at school . Those are what we laid on for our rest period . My favorite place to put my rug was under the sand table . After our rest we would have some sort of activity that allowed us to move about . Our favorite was when we could get out the little instruments and march around the room as we played our instruments and Miss Hayhurst played the piano . Some of the instruments were triangles , cymbals , blocks of wood hit with a stick , washboards , cowbells , kazoos , slide whistles , and tambourines . However the ones we all raced for were the birds . When the birds were filled with water they made the best sound when we hummed into them . There were only three of them so you can imagine the rush . Can you see what made Miss Hayhurst so special and loved ? I have had many teachers but she is the only one I loved . And I was not alone . Every child should have a teacher like Miss Hayhurst to nurture things that parents might miss and to build the confidence that each child must A tongue twister as a phrase that when said quickly ( often three times ) causes you to say it wrong . Most of the time the result is funny . Sometimes it can be colorful or even a bit off color . Tongue twisters can be difficult for me because I have an ever so slight lisp . I did not even know I had it until I was in college and an instructor suggested I might benefit from speech therapy . So dealing with a lot of " s " words make me self - conscious now . I will give you a few of my favorite tongue twisters . See if you can say them with no mistakes . Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers . A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked . If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers , Where 's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked ? Betty Botter bought some butter but , said she , the butter 's bitter . If I put it in my batter , it will make my batter bitter . But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better . So she bought some better butter , better than the bitter butter , put it in her bitter batter , made her bitter batter better . So 't was better Betty Botter bought some better butter . First you have to pack up all your belongings . Wrap the breakables . Find good sturdy boxes . Try not to fill the boxes so full that they were too heavy . An over - filled box is likely to lose its bottom and strew contents everywhere . Some pieces of furniture need to be dismantled . Beds for instance . You must make certain that mattresses stay with the bed frames they are meant to stay with . Washers , dryers , stoves , and refrigerators need to be emptied if necessary . Breakable parts will be removed so they do not jiggle around and break in transit . Any foods that have to be frozen or refrigerated have to be stored so they will not spoil . You of course try to keep those foods at a minimum . Then larger boxes are fitted in . Be careful with the ones that hold breakable items . Nothing heavy on top of them . Soon smaller packages are being loaded wherever they will fit . You make a last tour of the empty house . Did you empty the medicine cabinet ? Is all the silverware out of the drawer ? All the closets completely empty ? What about that high shelf in the basement ? Is all the trash disposed of ? Beds are re - assembled . Once the mattresses are on the beds it is a good idea to add sheets , blankets , and pillows . Otherwise you will be too tired to do it later . Large appliances come last . They are put into the rooms they belong . You try to hook up washers and dryers right away simply because you do not want to do it tomorrow . I immediately plugged in the refrigerator when it was carried into the kitchen . I had not brought any perishables so I would have to run to the store first thing the next day . Which I did . All the meat was partially cooked ! I cracked an egg . . . also partially cooked . The vegetables were all wilted from the heat . I had to dispose of all that food . We unplugged it and waited 2 days before plugging it back in . It worked normally for two more years when we moved again . We decided not to take it with us . It was an older appliance and we thought it best not to take any chances . It is our duty to educate ourselves on what issues will benefit our country . Then we need to learn how the candidates view those issues . How will they get to the business of overseeing our welfare ? Please take the few minutes to vote for your candidate . I have my choices ready and will go to the polls when they open . I hope you are ready too . could cook . She was the best cook I ever knew . Even better than my mother . I do not like pancakes but I always hoped she would make them for breakfast when I was there . That was because she made her own syrup out of water and sugar . Grandma made homemade bread every day . And I mean every day . She cooked and baked on an old wood stove . Anyone who has had food cooked that way knows how much better it tastes . Grandma had been cooking since she was a small girl . Once in a while on Sunday when they were making Sunday dinner , Grandma would ask one of her daughters to take the homemade biscuits from the oven . They would start to look for pot holders or a towel to hold the pan to keep from getting burned . Grandma would give an exasperated sigh and grab the pan with her bare hands and set it on the table . I remember being shocked when I was in high school . Grandma had had a stroke . After a long hospital stay she was finally home . She went to take biscuits from the oven and had to bounce the pan from hand to hand . She felt the heat . Grandma said that while she was in the hospital the doctors and nurses talked about her like she was a baby . She was unable to speak . The doctors told She was a farmer 's wife with all the work that entails . She cooked a lot of fried chicken . She would send my uncles out to catch and behead a couple chickens for dinner . She used a wire that had a hook bent at the end to catch the leg of a chicken so the person could get it in their grasp . Then the boys were supposed to chop off the heads with an axe . Grandma would get tired of waiting . She just grabbed the chickens by their heads , spun them just so and wrung their heads right off their necks . It took seconds . there he would have " stuck " the cow and it would have been done . Sticking the cow meant taking out his pocket knife and stabbing the cow in the spot where the second stomach was . It released the gas and all was right with the world . Grandma did not know how to stick the cow . So she figured it would be fine until Grandpa got back . The cow just kept swelling and bawling . It bawled constantly and loudly . The swelling got bigger and the bawling got louder . Finally Grandma knew she would have to take care of it herself . She had no idea how to stick the cow . She grabbed a rake handle and shoved it into the proper opening on the cow . There was a great noise as the gas escaped . My mother said the smell was unbearable and hung over the farm for days . The cow was fine . A wolf had been killing the livestock . Grandpa had not been able to catch it . It was another one of those times when Grandpa had to be away . Grandma heard a ruckus out with held it out directly in front of her . She pulled both triggers at the same time . The shotgun kicked back and hit her in the mouth . It knocked out both her front teeth . I do not know what happened to the wolf . But I loved paper dolls . They were found in McCall 's Magazine . Betsy McCall was her name . Each month she would come out in a different pose with different clothes . I dutifully cut them out Betsy was usually dressed in a bathing suit or some sort of brief clothing . Never underwear . . . that would have been indecent . The reason for small clothes was so that the other outfits would fit properly and the original outfit would not show at the outfit , a daytime outfit , and a glamorous evening gown . She was in a different pose each month so the clothing did not interchange . But that only meant you would have a lot of Betsy 's to make a group . could buy paper dolls too . They were not terribly expensive but my family did not have a lot of money so they were usually an unnecessary expense . I did have a few of those . The best thing to do was make your own . I cannot draw so I could not make them from scratch . Some girls did . But I had the next best thing . . . catalogs . Sears and Roebuck , JC Penney , Woolworth were but a few . I lived in very rural areas so mail order was the way we got a lot of merchandise . catalogs had an abundance of models , both male and female . And they were grown and children . We would cut the ones we like out and look for other outfits in the catalog that would match the pose of our models . They were not always a perfect match of course but close enough would do for our purposes . They had to have enough room in the catalog to be able to add the flaps to make the clothes stay on . It was a great way to day we made a discovery . My mother and her sisters used to play with paper dolls too . As a matter of fact she was the one who showed us how to make paper dolls from the catalog . Anyway we found some old cigar boxes full of paper dolls . and my aunts had cut paper dolls from the newspapers when they were young girls . Newspapers had new paper dolls every week . And they had their catalog paper dolls . There were so many of them . It was like finding treasure . My youngest aunt is about 5 years older than me . She had as much fun as me , my sister , and my cousins . We had such a good time with those old - fashioned clothes . We were always very careful to put them back into their cigar boxes and leave them in the attic until next time . I wonder what ever happened to all those paper dolls . I know my sister and I lost ours in a house fire . But the paper dolls in Grandma 's attic probably were discarded when they sold the farm . What a shame . I would like to see paper dolls make a comeback . My son is still in the halfway house until the end of next month . Then he will come stay with us . I am so looking forward to him being here . It is a hectic time for me . It is a 25 mile drive there and a 25 mile drive home after I drop him off . I am certainly not complaining because I am so happy to spend any time I can with him . But I am not young any more and I do get tired . I see him starting to relax a bit more each time I see him . He does not constantly feel like he has to be on his guard . I hope to see the tension in him lessen and eventually disappear but that may be too much to ask . So my son called this evening . They are giving him a pass for the entire weekend . He will be able to sleep in his bed and have some privacy . He will have his own TV if he does not like what we are watching . He has no idea how much I have been waiting for him to be home . He still feels like a visitor . I was gratified the other day when he finally went to the refrigerator and helped himself to a bottle of water . house we made a tour of the back yard . In the spring we watched as the flowers came up through the soil then grew and bloomed . We smelled all smells and tried to identify where they came from . On this day it was autumn . The leaves were falling from the trees at a record pace . The flower beds and the grass were covered with fallen leaves . Sometimes we would startle a rabbit back there but we did not see any that day . sympathetic tone . My daughter and I realized at the same time that he was starting to reach for an animal . We both yelled at him to stop . He looked at us , startled . explained to him that whether the animal was sick or dead we did not know what was causing the problem . You cannot just touch any animal you do not know because it could cause injury or illness to you . He seemed to undeerstand . My daughter did not want to leave it lying there . I told her to go get a shovel and we would dispose of it . She was worried about my grandson being upset . I told her that was why we always held a funeral for animals when she was growing up . It is a way to say goodbye and it showed the finality of the animal being gone . beloved , we are gathered here to say goodbye to our friend , the rabbit . " I stood in total shock . He had never been to a funeral so I could not understand where these words were coming from . My daighter and He continued with his little tribute about how we did not know the bunny but we felt bad that he was dead . Then he knelt to say a prayer . I started to choke a bit with laughter . He looked like such a little angel My daughter and I started to go inside . I was actually halfway up the steps . Then my grandson stood at attention and put his hand to his forehead in a salute . His other hand formed into I was choking trying to keep from opening my mouth and laughing out loud . Tears were running down my face . I did not dare look at my daughter because I knew I would not be able to contain myself . So I stood there not able to breathe with tears all over my face , turning red . Bugs Bunny was the culprit . My grandson had seen a Bugs Bunny cartoon in which a funeral was held . He had practically memorized the whole thing . Thanks a lot , Bugs ! Halloween is coming . I love this time of year . The fall colors . The changing of the season making the air crisp with the promise of cold coming . I find it exhilarating . Some of the symbols of Halloween are representative of the harvest . Gourds , squashes , pumpkins , corn stalks , Indian corn , and bales of hay are frequently used to give a festive autumn look to a house or business . Often scarecrows serve as sentries ever watching for evil spirits . Pumpkin carving is a tradition . You take a pumpkin and carve the top off . After emptying it of the seeds scary faces are carved into the body of the pumpkin . Often a candle of LED light is placed inside to give it that eerie glow . It can be displayed on the porch or steps outside . On the inside of the house it can be placed on a table and surrounded by candles . Even placed by a mailbox the Jack - o - lanterns are fun to see . If you want to be truly artistic you can sketch your pattern onto the pumpkin with a pencil but freestyle is perfectly acceptable . Any type of paint can be used . If children are participating water paints are the best idea . Men always flock around her . As I said she is beautiful . And she gets the special treatment that beautiful people often get . That is a handy asset for her younger sister had two sons . The oldest was in school and the school was having a carnival / fundraiser . We all went to spend as much money as we could . as he was giving his spiel she flipped it once again . He passed his magic wand over it and said the magic words . He then asked my friend to open the container to show that the item had disappeared or changed into said he would try ONE MORE TIME . He watched as my friend flipped the canister three times . She flipped it an extra time . He waved his wand and spoke the magic words . Then he grabbed her hands and flipped the canister once more . SUCCESS ! I loved my father 's mother . Much of the time I did not like her very much . She was a mean - spirited woman who 's biggest joy in life seemed to be talking bad about someone , anyone , everyone else . do understand that she had a rough time of things . I don 't think her marriage was a happy one . My grandfather drank from what I 've been told . that could be medically done . He was put in a home and everyone was told that he was in a reform school . It was better to have a bad boy than an epileptic . He died there . I don 't know if he knew whether anybody cared about him or not . It was way before my time . was either the first baby in her family born in the United States or the last one born in Denmark . I can never remember which . She tried to teach me a little Danish but I only remember the word for hen . It was a small two - story house . Half of the upstairs was finished into an extra bedroom . The other half was for storage . And boy did she store a lot . in a little bitty town . The department store there actually was just a mail order hook - up . They displayed all the various mail order catalogs of the time . Grandma ordered sets of dishes , pots and pans , linens , and who knows what all . When the boxes came in she would promptly have them put upstairs . Most were never opened . She was like that . She had things just to have them . It is such a shame they were never used . My aunt asked me what I would like as a wedding gift and I told her something of my grandmother 's . I received a set of beautifully embroidered sheets . Sadly my husband went to plump his pillow and his hand went right through the material . My aunt had a scar on her hand . It seems that grandma was peeling potatoes for supper and my aunt asked for a piece for a snack . As she asked she reached to take a piece , grandma whacked her hand with the knife . It was a nasty cut . Grandma was stingy . in it . Apparently she bumped the box of nails as she was making the oatmeal and it fell into the pan . Instead of throwing it out she expected us to eat around the nails . She was not very nice to my mother either and that is something a child cannot forgive . She always made it clear that Mom was not a part of the family . More on that another time . did love her though . When I was in second grade we were working with modelling clay . I made the bust of a woman . When I finished it looked like Grandma . We went to visit her over the Christmas holidays and I took my little grandma to show her . She actually liked it and asked if she could keep it . Being an honest child I said she could as long as everyone understood that I got it back when she died . do miss Grandma . Maybe I could have known more about my father 's side of the family if I had been able to ask her about it . Maybe I could have Here in the middle of America is where I grew up . It is farm country . Some farmers raised wheat , corn , and other crops . Some farmers raised livestock such as cows , sheep , or pigs . Most farmers raised a bit of all the above . He raised cows . That was his main source of income . The milk from the cows was sold to dairies . Some of the males were used to eat but mostly the cows made new cows so the abundant milk supply continued . Potatoes are a staple in the diets in this part of the country . They are served in one form or another at almost every evening meal . They are full of nutrition and they " stick to the ribs " meaning they are filling . Grandpa would plant a small field of potatoes . When the time came he would plow them up and we would follow behind and gather them out of the ground . Potatoes are stored and used all year until the next year 's harvest . My husband loved potatoes too . As it was with all farm families potatoes were served for supper every night . He did not consider it supper unless there were potaotes . The two of them decided to plant a garden together . The neighbor was excited about growing his own tomatoes and hot peppers . My husband insisted that they plant potatoes . When we think of gardens we usually think of farms or little towns where nice big gardens are planted . There will be enough yield for snacking , meals , and canning . That is because there is plenty of room . Community gardens are becoming more and more popular . Using a vacant lot ( with permission from the city of course ) people of the neighborhood get together to plant a garden and tend to it . It does not take much land to yield enough for a lot of people . All it takes is a little planning . Balconies and patios can house a small garden . A tomato plant or two in a pot , green and hot peppers in other pots will produce more than one family can eat . There will also be room for a few plants . Each and every garden had the usual edibles . there were tomatoes , peppers , cucumbers , and green beans . If there was a large enough space they also grew peas , carrots , corn , and various squash . Sometimes there were even a few pumpkins . Also in each garden was space set aside for Mom 's flowers . She always grew zinnias . Some other flowers were sweet peas , snap dragons , four o ' clocks , cox combs , petunias , or whatever else caught her fancy . Daddy had his roses . There were also grape vines even in the city . They do not need much room if they are allowed to climb instead of spread . They usually had strawberries too . In the city they took a small space and built tiers to plant strawberries . They got a lot of berries from a small space . I know it sounds like a massive garden but it really took so little space . There was still room for kids to play and family barbecues . City gardens are not as rare as you might think . My husband and I did not always have gardens but we often did . Tomatoes were a must . I like cucumbers too My husband always said you cannot plant tomatoes and cucumbers together because the tomatoes will taste like cucumbers . But I would get my way and the tomatoes always tasted like tomatoes . I like green beans a lot . So green beans were planted . My husband liked potatoes so we planted them if there was enough room . Peppers both green and hot grew well for us . One year we planted some pumpkins along the fence . Squirrels ate most of them but we had one that was growing nicely . We planned on using it for Halloween and then in cooking . We lived in the city . I believe some of the older kids used that cute little pumkin for some sort of nefarious deed . But I had no proof either . Maybe the squirrels had a sharp knife ? I went to the post office yesterday to get my mail . I saw a couple of kids playing at one end of the building . That is not unusual . There is a nice patch of grass there . The post office has those glass block windows set low in the ground . I assume that there is a basement down there but I am not sure . There are half moon shaped metal barriers to keep the ground from eroding down to cover the blocks . There is a layer of gravel to keep plants from growing . I looked into the area by the glass blocks . There were several little snakes rolling around in there . They were no bigger than a small earthworm . From the markings they looked like garter snakes . We talked a while more . I tried to impress on them that they needed to know for sure what kind of snake they tried to pick up . I also let them know that all snakes will bite to protect themselves . As I drove around the corner I saw a couple of the fathers standing outside talking . I rolled down my window and told them about the snakes over at the post office . I told them that I thought they were probably harmless and that I had told the children to tell parents about them . I have said many times that I lived in very small towns when I was a child . They were idyllic places to be . Children had a lot of freedom to come and go without fear . There were pancake breakfasts . I remember one especially . It was at the library . For a nominal fee you had all the pancakes with syrup that you could eat . Sausages were the meat that day . It was great fun eating with other citizens of town and the surrounding farms . I of course did not realize it at the time but those breakfasts were fund raisers . The library ( which my family used all the time ) , the fire department , the VFW . . . all the organizations that served the town needed a little boost in funding . Pancakes were inexpensive to make . The library had other festivals . Some were fund raisers . Others were simply fun activities to remind us how much fun the library is . Sometimes we would have cleaning parties to dust the books and shelves . It was fun . School sports programs were community activities . The whole town attended football and basketball games for the boys and volleyball for the girls . We cheered out team . We bought snacks from the concession stands that helped with funding . And we had a great time besides . Speaking of school all the grades went to the same school . Kindergarten through 12th grade . Every grading period there was a parents ' night when parents could discuss the children 's progress . What was fun for me was that there were far more boys than girls in the school . If a room was doing a dance they had to borrow girls from other rooms . I got to show off again ! I am a terrible ham you must know . My teachers also recognized the ham . And they knew that I had a good memory . I was given long poems to memorize and recite as the stage was being redesigned for a new act . I still remember pieces of all those poems . Halloween is second only to Christmas for me . The reason is the little town life . We decorated all over town . We dressed up in our costumes and made sure we had a good supply of large paper grocery bags . When we were finally allowed we went out for trick - or - treat . Every house had a treat for us . Some of the treats were candy bars ( full sized of course ) , cupcake cups full of smaller candies ( including the dreaded candy corn ) , coins ( a lot of pennies and some nickels with an occasional dime ) , homemade cookies , cupcakes ( and sometimes a slice of a real cake ) , and candied apples . When our large paper grocery bags would fill we took them home and grabbed another one . We then went back out for more goodies . We did not stop until we hit every house in town . By the time we were finished we were so tired that bed was where we wanted to be . That was when the older kids went out to pull their pranks . My favorite was the outhouse placed at the main intersection of town . If a child had a birthday party every child in that grade was invited . Events were all - inclusive . My mother was a master at unique parties . Each of us had one party in our lives . Each party was memorable . On Valentine 's Day we all made valentines to give to the other children in our room . No one was left out . We also took a treat to share with everyone so there was a party . Fun . May Day was another day we celebrated . My first was when I was 5 years old . Using huge paper cupcake cups we filled them with goodies and anything to make them pretty . A pipe cleaner was used as a handle to make a May basket . We made them for each child in our grade . I followed her directions to the letter . As I jumped into the car my mother was laughing hysterically . She did not make it clear that I was supposed to leave the basket on the doorstep ! I still had it in my hand . Of course Susan Otradostey gave me a big kiss on the cheek when I dejectedly got out of the car to give her the basket . Grandpa was a cowboy . Not the kind you see in movies that go around shooting each other . Technically those are gunslingers . But Grandpa rode the range and herded the cattle . He was out there for weeks while . It was a 2 day ride by horse . Horse was the only transportation available unless you wanted to ride shank 's mare . That means walking to you tenderfeet . Grandpa loved the animals . He especially loved horses but all animals were special to him . He always had a dog too . Occasionally Grandpa would be the cowboy chosen to go to town for supplies or maybe to just see people who weren 't looking after cattle . As I said it was a two day trip . Often Grandpa would stop and stay with an Indian tribe for the night . They always welcomed him . Besides letting him sleep there the Native Americans fed him . One time there was a delicious stew that he ate with gusto . He asked what kind of stew it was . They said it was made with snake meat . He was a bit taken aback but thought he dealt with it well . time he stopped and there was stew again . It tasted different from the snake stew . They told him it was made using horse meat . Now Grandpa loved horses . They were special to him . However he reasoned that not everyone felt the same . And after all there would be a lot of meat there . The whole tribe could eat a nice healthy meal . He hated it but he Another trip to town saw him stopping again . He hoped they weren 't serving horse because he loved horses . He even asked and was assured that horse was not on the menu . After a delicious meal he once again asked what they had eaten . It was dog . Grandpa never stopped again . He just could not deal with eating man 's best friend . Even before that Grandpa would often just ride all night to get back to the herd . It was beautiful out under the stars . And a cowboy doesn 't mind being alone out there . It is what he does all the time . One night he saw two glowing eyes with the creature behind them waiting to attack him . Grandpa was not afraid . He carefully lifted his rifle from its carrier , aimed , and fired . He aimed between those two glowing eyes and shot the creature right where he aimed . It was a bobcat . Grandpa had it stuffed . The taxidermist put it in a ferocious pose . It looked ready to leap right then and there . Its mouth was open in a snarling growl . That Recently we were supposed to celebrate Defy Superstition Day . This was brought to my attention by my online friend John At Reflections . If you click on the link you will see his post on the subject . My family has a Friday the 13th superstition all our own . My mother had a terrible ( but funny ) day and we never let her live it down . Let me tell you all about it . My aunt and uncles went to school in a one room schoolhouse in the country . On the last day of school there was a picnic and we always went . The more the merrier , you know . This year it was held on Friday , the 13th . We set out for the picnic with Mom at the wheel . Daddy had to work . Mom was running late as usual so she was driving a bit faster than she should have . She came to the top of a hill pulled over . Luckily the cop recognized the car . Daddy was the town marshal and worked with the state police on occasion . Mom received a warning to be more careful and we went on our way . of the gasoline company on them . They were pretty . When Mom pulled in for gas she realized that she was too far away from the pump . She pulled forward a bit and then backed up a bit closer . . . whoops ! a little too close . She bumped the pump . That beautiful glass globe began to wobble , wobble , wobble , wobble . . . it seemed to be slowing and coming to a stop . Whew . Then it just fell right off and smashed into millions of pieces . man at the station was very kind . Of course we did not have to pay for it ; it happens all the time . ( Right ! ) We got our 2 dollars worth of gas . We turned off the highway to the county road on the way to the picnic . We were merrily driving along and Mom missed the turn onto the next county road that led to the school . Not to worry . . . she just backed up so she would be in position to turn . Somehow we ended up in the ditch . Some of the ditches in Nebraska were like valleys . We were rear end down with the nose of the car pointing up . Now what was she to do ? we were with a car full of children sitting in a deep ditch with no chance she could drive it out . As luck would have it a neighboring farmer came by on his tractor . Mom waved him down and he of course was happy to help . He was so happy to help that he could not stop laughing as he hooked the chain up to the car and his tractor . Laughing as he had Mom steer the car while his tractor strained to pull us out of that ditch . He was so happy when we were completely clear of the ditch that he kept laughing . Mom had made him so happy that he was still laughing as he drove off . Off we went again . Mom successfully made the turn . Believe it or not we made it safely to the picnic . Of course we were extremely late but there were still a few games left to be played . After that Friday , the 13th , was a day that we no longer let Mom drive . As a matter of fact we would not even let her in the car . Education is so important . There are many people who will say that school did little for them and they might be right . But anyone who is successful became educated about something . My husband was illiterate . He went to school until the 9th grade but he could not read . Because of that he thought he was " dumb " . That was his expression . But in reality he was so smart . He educated himself in things that interested him . For instance he had a friend who was a welder by trade . My husband said he laid " the prettiest " weld he ever saw . So my husband watched him and asked questions . He had the friend show him what to do . Then he had the friend watch as he tried . He wanted his friend to tell him if he was doing something right or wrong . He was never the master he wanted to be but his weld would hold and be strong . . . just not as " pretty " as he wished . I am still an avid reader and I search the internet about topics that interest me . I keep learning that way and keep my mind sharp . I am interested in so many things that I will always have something to study . I had another advantage . I got an excellent education in school . I can count on one hand the number of poor teachers I had and have fingers left over . That includes college and the fact that I went to 13 different schools before I graduated high school . I am also the oldest child of seven . My mother insisted that I speak correctly . ( She was a highly intelligent woman . ) Therefore words like " ain 't " are not a part of my vocabulary . She relaxed a bit on my siblings but I am grateful she was strict about my words . My beautiful children seemed to inherit the best qualities of both parents . They are much more intelligent than I am . They learn easily as I do . They also educate themselves as their father did . Add the wisdom they got from their paternal grandmother and they are all impressive people . Sadly they went to school in the big city . The number of good teachers combined among the four of them can be counted on one hand with fingers left over . Sad . I taught all of them to read because the schools were poor . Often they taught themselves other subjects and would come to me if they had questions because the teachers were not accessible . Again sad . My oldest son went to school with a star basketball player . He was often in the news . It was reported also that he was such a good student and had high grades . My son said he never went to class . The school had him sit at a table in the counselor 's outer office all day . He just sat there pretty much doing nothing for the whole day . But he was a basketball star and valuable to the school . He tried out for the NBA . That did not last too long . He was good but not better than a lot of other players . The last we heard he was playing professional basketball in Italy . Sad . What a disservice the school did to him . Because he was a big star in a big city he knew he would be rich from playing basketball . He and his family were not concerned with whether or not he had an education . Unfortunately neither was the school . Education is too important to ignore . Not everyone is cut out to excel scholastically . That is fine . But you must be educated about something to accomplish anything . Traditional schooling is a good base to build on . |
1 . I got up this morning to find out that my children sucked down a gallon of chocolate milk . That is fine , except I told them that they had to leave me one glass . I did not even get that ! So I said " whoever drank the last glass milk . . . . . I hope you go into a diabetic coma " 2 . I made Ryan breakfast and then went to get dressed . What in the hell was I thinking ? I come back in 15 minutes and he had not touched his food . I guess that is my fault . What was I thinking that Ryan would actually remember to eat . So now he is running late and I hade to say every 30 seconds Ryan put food in your mouth , chew and swallow . 3 . I go to have my first smoke of the morning . One to find out that someone smoked my last one . I told everyone in the smoke " I hope the person who smoked my last smoke dies of lung cancer . 4 . We are getting some bottle feeders in this afternoon . So I went and got the crate out . Once I got it cleaned and fresh blankets in it , fluffy and George went in there and would not get out . I had to crawl into the crate to get them out ! 5 . I tried to use the vacuum today . That 's right I tried . I blew up another vac ! we only have carpet in two rooms and I managed to blow up a vac in record breaking time ! I said that I was going to give up starbucks . Now I am hooked on Burger Kings iced coffee . It is sooo goood . My girlfriend calls it my liquid crack . I so need some liquid crack this morning . I have a very busy day planned . I need to go to the dairy and then to the grocery store . I still have to get some more pet quilts made , and get dinner cooked . I am taking a friend to the air port tonight . I have to call and get Nikki an appointment for a physical . Lets talk about me ! I am still on cloud nine . I am so jazzed that I have gotten my foot in the door . I can 't wait for tomorrow . Last night Rusty and I went out to dinner and then we went and looked at this house that I found . I so want to buy this house . It is an old craftsmen style home and I have always wanted to restore a home . Rusty said that I would never get my money back out of the house if I did restore it . I suggested that we live in it . Rusty did not like that idea . He said that the next time we move it will be out of California . Hush his mouth . Move out of California ? Oh I do not think so . I can 't picture me living any other place . I love California ! So I introduced two marines to each other . Now they are talking about getting married ! I am so excited for them . George ( the female marine ) said to me " well who will walk me down the aisle ? I do not even know who my dad is ? " So Rusty has agreed to walk her down the aisle . The George says to Rusty " Did you know that I was born the year you graduated from boot camp ! " Rusty just gave George the look of death . I think it is funny . I need to get busy and get my day started . Here is a video for all the military wives out there missing their men . They wrote this song because on of their friends was a military wife . I got up only to fight with the computer . For some reason aol would not work . Code enforcement came by today and gave us another warning . It seems that we now have to store our trash cans in the back yard ! What ? We have stored them on the side of our house for 7 years and now you want to complain ? I swear to you I am going to the next city council meeting . They are pissing me off . THREE CHEERS for ME ! ! ! ! ! I just got off the phone with a manufacture . I have been working on a secret project , and nowI have a manufacture who wants to see my demo product ! I smell a patent coming on ! Well I guess I better find the energy to go get something for dinner . For some reason my family likes to eat . I only wish they liked to clean up ! Well I have made it through the weekend . I just went back and read the entry I made on Friday . Man it was bad . I left out so many words . I guess that is what happens when your mind is going faster then your fingers can type . Oh well . On Saturday I got a package from my mom . I told my friend Beth that these are my dads ashes . Beth just looked at me . I opened the box and sure enough there were necklaces for all of us with dad 's ashes in these little urns . I sometimes think it is creepy that I can just things . Anyway I put my urn on . Beth thought it was creepy that I was wearing my dead dad 's ashes . We were all sitting around the smoking room talking about sex toys . I mentioned that I still want to get a sex swing and mount it above our bed . That way if Rusty falls off he won 't break a hip . One of our friends said " Well in case you did not know this your husband does not work part time at Cirque Du Soleil ! " I had to laugh . I would hate to be the 911 operator when I place that call . " well my husband fell off the sex swing . Oh his leg is still stuck behind his head ! I must say that when I wrote my entry on Friday I really opened myself up . I was wondered if people would think I was a bad person for praying for my dads death . I am glad that I am not alone on that issue . This week should be a very mild week . Then the long weekend will hit . I think the marines are going to be here for something like five days ! I can 't wait . We always have fun on the long weekends . The marines asked me when I was going to get some more kittens in . So I am going to call the shelter today and see if they have any more kittens . I am telling you these marines are the biggest babies I have ever seen ! The children at school . The first load of laundry is the washer . Rusty is at work . The cats have been fed , and the dogs are back barking at nothing . I was 8 years old when my grand mother died . It was my dads mom . I remember the phone ringing and my mom just saying " o . k . I will get a hold of Keith " . My mom kept trying to call my dads work but no one would answer the phone . My mom went out to the car and got on the cb and started calling for him . At the funeral my dad just stood there with a face of steel . He talked to his sisters and brothers and some of the other family . My father helped to carry the casket to the grave . I remember watching my father and thinking that he was strong . Fast forward many years . Rusty was in the shower and the phone rang . On the other end was my mother in law . She called to tell me that my father in law had passed away , and that she had sent the red cross message for Rusty . Rusty was on the airplane the very next day . I called my dad I just wanted to cry . I felt so bad for Rusty . My dad told me that there is nothing that I can do for Rusty right now . I could be there when he called , I could cry with him , but for the time being I had to get my head back in the game . I still had children to take care of and a house to run . My dad was there to support me when Rusty went to Iraq . He offer words of wisdom such as suck it up . Life is tough so you need to be tougher . Are you done with your pity party ? Good now suck it up and do whatever it is that you need to do . Then Rusty 's mom died . Great . I can 't handle this right before Christmas . Once again I callled home . My dad was there to offer my advice . For the most part I took all of it . Rusty was in a fog , so I did what I had to do . We made the arrangement . Paid to have her cremated , and cleared out her belongs . We decided not to lay her to rest until after Christmas . We did not want the children to remember Christmas as a sad time . After Christmas was over I had to get back to reality and start planning a double funeral . We were going to lay both of his parents to rest . How in the world do you do a double military funeral ? I called my dad back a few days later and told him on what date we were going to have the funeral , and that I had gotten the flags , and the 21 gun salute was set up . The only thing I could not figure out was . . . . well there was going to be no one there for Rusty . No family ? No friends ? just me and the children ? So once again my dad said then go make your husband a support system . Suck it up and do it . I called the guys that he served in Iraq with . I called all of the marines , and I called all of our other friends . I simply said " We are going to lay Rusty 's parents to rest and he will have no one there to support him other then me and the children . " Everyone showed up . It was I that carried the urns to the grave site . It was I that next to Rusty and Held his hand the guns went off . It was I that watched him get presented the flag 's . It was I . I had no choice but to suck it up and be the rock that Rusty needed . In June of 2006 my parents came out for Ambers 16 birthday . Sixteen is a magic number in our family . That is the age when you get the family maple leaf passed down to you . I can still see my dad and I sitting in the airport . I grabbed his hand and put my head on his shoulder and started crying . I just knew that this would be the last time that our children would get to see my dad before he died . When Rusty had his heart attack I called my parents . My mom answered the phone . I told what had just happened . My dad me on the other end of the phone and knew something was wrong . I needed help and no one was there to help me . My dad very calmly said to me " you have a husband who is still alive and three children to take care of . Get yourself together . Put the children to bed and go back to the hospital . Figure it out and be strong for everyone . " That is what I did . For the next week I juggled trying to be there for the children and trying to be there for my husband . There was no time for tears . Only enough time to be strong . It was a typical Friday night here . Everyone was out front sitting around the fire . I had come in to grab something when my cell phone rang . I went out back to the smoking room . My mom told me that I need to come home because they did not expect my dad to make it through the weekend . My dad had battled cancer most of his life and a few years before he got a dnr and wanted to stop fighting . I just sat there and cried . CJ walked out into the back room . he had a big plate of food . CJ just looked at me and asked me what was going on . I told him . I just put my head in CJ 's lap and cried . I then walked out front . Rusty took one look at me and he just knew . Rusty came in and booked a ticked for me . I was off to Chicago . I was in Chicago for two weeks . My dad was not dead , but he was gone . He had no idea who I was . He was down to about 90 pounds . This was not my dad . This was a shell . I would go to bed at night and ask God to please take my dad out of this world . I was so sick of seeing him suffer . No pain meds were helping . I so wanted to go find some weed , and roll him a joint . I just wanted my dads pain and suffering to end . I sucked it up and stayed strong for my mom . I went with my mom to go make all of the final arrangements . My dad was going to be cremated . Then I helped my mom gather the strength to fill out the death certificate . Everything was done except for the date of death . My dad did not die before I had to come home . I arrived in San Diego to find Rusty holding my favorite starbucks , and Ryan holding some flowers . My boys were there for me . So here I am today . I have made it through my year of first . My first Thanksgiving , my first Christmas , my first birthday . . . . . . everything without my dad . Part of me wants to sit down and cry . Then I hear my dad say " tonight you will have a house full of marines . You need to suck it up and do what needs to be done . " I do not want to suck it up . I want my dad . I want my rock . I want some child molester to die instead of my dad . I just realized something . My dad has taught me a lesson and that is to do whatever you have to do . Life has thrown a ton of shit my way , but I just climbed out of it and kept going . There is a gal in Germany . She is away from her family and her husband is in Iraq . She is having a hard time tonight . Will everyone please stop by and give words of encouragement . Our daughter Nikki is the most like me when it comes to expressing herself . We are both very loud and in your face . So someone gave Nikki a t shirt that made my jaw drop and then I started laughing and then I told her to wear it with pride . Well , yesterday Nikki wore it to school . I thought that I would have to take a new shirt up to her , because lets face it we can 't offend anyone . Not a word was said about her shirt ! Go Nikki ! The IEP meeting went very well this morning . The school system will find out on Friday if they are going to have another life skills class starting at another school . If they do then Ryan will get the class that he is suppose to be in and there will only be 4 other children in his class . There will also be two aids in his class room . I am not jumping for joy yet . Lets face it we are talking about our public school system and I will not believe anything until I see it ! Where was I . . . . . oh so I have all of my running done . It has finally cooled down into the high 90 's , so I think I am going to go pull all of my sunflower 's and trim up the rose bushes . I have neglected everything because it has just been way to hot to be out working in the yard . o . k . I have gotten questions in the past about how I make quilts . It is kinda hard to explain in writing but I will give it a shot . First I watched my late mother in law make a quilt . That was when I knew that I could do it . I have had no formal training or even read a book on it . It just go for it . If it does not turn out then I just take it apart and do it again . I use cotten 99 % of the time . If I making a quilt for someone I know I try to find material that they would like . I also buy material when it is on sale and I stash it . I use low loft batting . I do not do hand stitch any designs because I do not have the time for it . So I just tie them off . This is a picture of my first ever scrap quilt . I saved all of my scraps for about two years and I sewed this quilt . I LOVE this quilt . It is like crawling under a big memory . I can look at every scrap and remember what I made out of it . Yesterday George , Cj and I were sitting out on the back porch . George curled up with the quilt I had just made for another Marine . She looked at me and said " Mom you could make some extra money by selling you quilts . " George pressed on . I stopped her and finally said " I put a lot of thought and time into my quilts . It is the one thing that I can do for the marines that no one else does for them . I make them blankets to take off to war . " Today I have more of the same planned . I keep telling people that for the most part I lead a very dull life . For now dull is good and I am going to take it . The teacher then tried to convince me to let Ryan change for p . e . and be placed in a regular p . e . class . He also told me that until the IEP meeting Ryan will be going back in the general special ed program ! That was when I lost it . I took a deep breath and said " You will not place him in a regular p . e . class . As for him being in regular special ed classes , well good luck with that . Lets face it he is not 6 months behind he is 6 years behind ! Have you guys lost your minds ? " Oh the joys of raising a handi cap child never seem to end . However we do have an IEP meeting on Thursday . Rusty and I are sticking to our guns and we are going to make the school system place him according to his IEP . The really sad thing is , is that last year I fought like a dog to get Ryan sent to a different school out of our district . I lost that fight . Now the district is looking into their programs to see if they have room for Ryan . HMMMM , didn 't I tell you ass holes this last year ! You Are a Red Crayon Your world is colored with bright , vivid , wild colors . You have a deep , complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself . Bold and dominant , you are a natural leader . You have an energy that is intense . . . and sometimes overwhelming . Your reaction to everything tends to be strong . You are the master of love - hate relationships . Your color wheel opposite is green . Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy . Today I have to get some house work done and then my goal is to finish a quilt that has been sitting on my table for four days now . This morning Nikki asked me if I still had my running shoes . I was thinking yes , they are the only pair of sneakers that I own . nikki asked if she could have them since she has to run the track for softball . Sure you can have the shoes off of my feet . I swear they want me to just drain all of my blood and give it to them ! Nikki needs all new softball gear . . . oh did I mention that she made the team . Amber needs new dance shoes . Nikki wants to try out for water polo . Amber needs gas money . Nikki needs . . . . . . Amber needs . . . . . I swear if my rich uncle does not get out of the poor house soon I am going to be a shrinked up prune because my children had just sucked me dry ! Yesterday I told everyone to pick a room and start cleaning . Instead of everyone pitching in some people left . Rusty , Chris and CJ , sat on the computers all day and played a damn video game . I finally just yelled at them . What the hell ? I am not the fucking maid ! I was running around last night trying to make sure that Ryan had everything he needed for school . I bought Ryan 5 brand new polo shirts and he can 't find any of them ! What the hell ? I started screaming at him . Rusty came in and told me to leave . Yelling at Ryan does no good . He has no clue as to what is going on . He also has no clue as to where his shirts are ! I handed him the shirts and told him to go put these in his drawers , and they are gone ! So instead of just hanging out today I have to go clean puke out of the trash can . Oh yes the marines were kind enough to leave that for me . I have to try to find Ryan clothes . On top of that there is a big slab of dead cow sitting on the counter . I guess I have to cook that ! I got my hair died over the weekend . I so wanted to take the time to do my hair . Not today . I will be lucky to get out my pj 's ! There has been a lot of stuff going on with Nikki and her boyfriend the last few days . Actually it is the boyfriends mom . This mom thinks that Nikki did something with her son . Well , o . k . but the date you gave us does not add up . Nikki was out of the country ! Then this lady told Nikki to watch her back . What ? Did this bitch just threaten MY child ? Oh I think not . Amber found out yesterday that the one day she worked at juice it up was trial run . It seem that they are bringing a bunch of new people and trying them out for a day . Amber will find out next week if she get hired . What is that about ? Now Amber is bummed again . Okay I 'll ask it . I 'm still amused about that skinny dipping entry . How does Rusty feel about you skinny dipping ? Paula # 8 Comment from plieck30 - 8 / 13 / 07 8 : 51 AM Paula , My husband ( Rusty ) loves my body , and loves to see me run around the house naked . I have had children . I a scar from my c section . I must admit that the doc that did my c section did an awesome job and you can 't see the scar , but I know it is there . Then there is that fact that I have stretch marks . I have nursed three children . My boobs sag . I am thankful that I was small chested to begin with , I would hate to see how far they would have sagged if they huge . I look at these young marines and they have perfect bodies . I am so far from that ! I will just keep it covered up unless we are skinny dipping . I am so glad that we skinny dip in the middle of the night ! Rusty got offered a job out in 29 palm . They job pays a lot more , but we both had said that we would not move as long as the girls were in high school . if it was just Rusty , Ryan , and I then we would be looking for houses right now . Nikki 's boyfriend has been giving her the cold shoulder since she got back from Mexico . I have a feeling that this relationship is going south quick . I must admit that I never really liked this kid anyway . Rusty said that this boy should be eating the peanuts out her shit . I know Rusty should not hold back . I actually talked to my mom yesterday . She is going to come out here and visit for a long weekend . Why ? She did not visit us for 16 years ! I think it is guilt , but then again it might be a ploy to annoy me . One of our friends , Kevin , just sat around around last weekend watching that new Tim McGraw video . So I mentioned it to another marine . I was told Kevin is having a hard time right now because he is getting ready to get out . While he is getting ready to go home and start a new life , the rest of his friends are getting ready to go back to Iraq . I will have to talk to Kevin this weekend . I have already gone through this with Rusty . I noticed that I have some new readers . I will try to get by and visit your journals today . I could have sworn that yesterday I saw a comment from someone who had a journal called my deployment journal . If someone can send me this link , that would be cool . Heather I am going over to visit you right now , so put the kettle on . Glad Nikki is home ! ~ My summer is over too . I went back to work a few weeks ago , my hubby goes back today and the kids all go back to school next Monday . I 'm already ready for another summer ! ~ I just did " ask me anything " at my other journal . My question to you is . . . Do you read my other journal ? If not , why ? - - just kidding , that 's not really my question but stop by that journal anyway . . . http : / / journals . aol . com / lifes2odd / Justvisiting / . ~ My real question is one someone just asked me . If you could have an all expenses paid trip to anywhere where would you go ? Why ? how long would you stay ? What would you do while you were there ? Martha : - ) Well Martha I would go to Ireland . My grands parents are from there . I never really go to know them , but I would have loved to hear their stories . I want to go back to the county of Cork and just stand there . I want to stand where my grandparent stood . I have often wondered if I still have relatives over there , but the people that would know that answer are dead . There is one other person who might know , but there is one person who might know . That would be my dad cousin Patrick . Today has been a productive day . So far today I have gotten dinner cook and the house cleaned up . I MIGHT have even sold my vintage sewing machine . I do hope that this lady wants it , I could use the money for a project that I am working on . Nikki tried out for softball yesterday and she does have another try out today . I was informed yesterday that if she makes the varsity team that they also do travel ball ! I am telling you I need an atm machine with an endless supply of money . I just hope that Nikki makes a team and is happy . Yesterday Nikki and I went over to one of Ambers teachers houses . The teacher is giving us some stuff for Ambers yard sale . This teacher is giving us some really nice stuff ! I am going to list some of the stuff on craigslist and see if we can get a little bit more for it . I am going to go apply at Target . I have decided that if I go back to work then I can pay for Nikki 's trip to Costa Rica . After that it will help pay for Christmas . One of the coolest things happened over the weekend . One of our friends gave Amber all of the money for her trip to Costa Rica ! I was so blown away . People have never just walked up to me and gave me the money to send my children on a trip . Today I moved some dressers around . I finally got sick of my old dresser . The drawers would either open or close , but they never did it when they were suppose to ! Amber had a cheap dresser left over from a yard sale so I am now using it . Oh My gosh ! Amber just came in and told me that she got a job ! I am so happy for her . She will be working at juice it up . I love that place because they sell 's fresh squeezed wheat grass ! My question : cuz I 'm nosey , Why does your mom favor your sister over you ? Is that one over the top ? Too nosey ? I am scared to hit send . Traci I took Amber back to Chicago when she was about 6 weeks old . This was the first time my family had ever seen her . So everyone was over . Out of the blue my sister says to me I wish I knew who my father was . When we were alone my sister finally asked me what I knew . So I told her . I said " have you ever checked your bumper book ? If you look at the inscription that nana Mcmahan wrote on it , it says on your first Christmas with us . Look at my birth certificate . Under mothers name it says Hann not young . Go look in the bottom drawer of moms dresser . There is a blue clutch purse with a telegram in it and it says congratulations on your marriage . . . . Don Hann . " Over the next year she damn near beet one of our grandmother up to find out who Don Hann was . Then she got into a fist fight with our dad over going to meet Don Hann . My sister even went to court to see if she could get the adoption records unsealed . The judge told her no . Fast forward a few years and I am going through a nasty custody divorce . I asked my mom if she had any of these issues when she divorced Don . My mom slipped up and said that Don was not my sisters father , so they did not have these issues . I believe that my mom treats me like shit out of guilt over my sister and the fact that she never really wanted me . Since before I was born my mom and dad set out to keep this secret . Who is my sisters real dad ? I do not know who he is and I do not care . My father was good to her . I do know that my mothers web of lies almost got untangled when I started talking about all I did know . My mother has always treated my sister better and I think it was to try to make her think that everything was great . If you were not reading my journal last year you should check out this entry . I know that are a lot of mistakes in this entry . . . . . I was so pissed off when I wrote it ! LOL Nikki is home ! I was so thrilled to see her . We took her out to dinner and man she just talked and talked . The she looked over at Rusty and said " daddy I got to spend my summer what you spent your life doing . . . . I got to change the world " . Yes she did . I had found a place in town that does hair braiding and I asked Rusty if I could go get my hair done . He said yes . Then when Nikki came home with the exact hair style that I wanted ! Rusty told me that he would not like that on me . Well I am glad that I did not spend money on getting the braids done ! LOL I am going to give everyone a chance to ask me something . I am going to call it behind closed doors . If you could ask me one question about my life . . . . . well here is your opportunity . I am going to go . I hit a great material sale so I have a lot of sewing to get done ! Oh and for the record , I will be sewing more blankets for the troops . We all sat here missing him . We would wonder if he was o . k . or wonder when he was coming home . We have waited for phone calls , and we have prayed for him . Rusty would say " I am fine . Remember I am a tuff guy . " Or he would say something like " I am out here making a difference in the world so that it is a better place for my family . " Rusty told me to stop . I continued on I told Rusty that he does not like being the one left behind . Once again I was told to stop . It seems that Rusty has lead by example and now he does not like it . Nikki is taking advantage of the freedoms that he has provided . Nikki is out there making a difference in the world , and that is all because Rusty gave the example . Rusty was laying on the bed watching t . v . when I walked in and told him that I still had the directions to the church in Sand Diego . I told him that we COULD go meet the group down there and then we COULD take Nikki out to dinner afterwards . Rusty 's eyes got a spark in them and he said that he would like that . Yes everyone those are my daughters ! Since I have had children there are no pictures of me in a swim suit . I do not know why , but there just aren 't any . So last night Rusty and I were talking and I was telling him about this show . I have had guys say to me " When Rusty dies I am going to marry you " . I just laugh and say " You don 't want me , besides I think I am going to swing the other way " . That usually catches them off guard and they do not know what to say other then to say " can I watch " . Back to the cougars , so I told Rusty that I thought it was very interesting . So Rusty says " Let me get this straight . Women who date much young men are called cougars ? Is that because these young men are their prey ? i wonder what they call older men who date much younger women ? " I said " they call them perverts ! That is why people look at us funny when we go out together . You look older then you are and I look younger then I am " . On another subject . Rusty has lost another 10 pounds and he is down to about 180 . For a guy that is 6 ' 2 " that is not bad ! I am so proud of him . He has needed to lose a few pounds . Nikki called me . I missed her call but she left me a message saying that she was good and that she would be home around 1 am Monday morning . I am so glad that she isdoing good . Today I am going to do some sewing and just chill out for a while . We have a friend coming in from 29 palms and the marines will be showing up here later on tonight . I hope no one is sick this weekend . I want to party and do something fun . Check this out ! One of Ambers teachers just called me and it is the one who is leading the group to Europe . Anyway , they still have some openings for the trip to Costa Rica ! That trip goes between Christmas and new years and it is only $ 1 , 800 ! So Amber and I are going to sit down and talk about what we can fo to help her raise money to go on both trips . Well , nothing is getting done while I am sitting here , so I better get my ass in gear . Lets see . . . . I went to hot topic to price their hair stuff . Nikki want 's to dye her very nice blond hair hot pink ! LOL I am going to let her . It is just hair . Amber is still looking for a job . She is starting to get desperate . Amber also got a little taste of success . Amber got a $ 100 donation ! Amber called me and was so happy . That was what she needed to pay her trip off for this month ! Rusty is going on a job interview with a company that makes amtracks . Those are some military things . We will have to really sit down and talk and about it . They are offering him a lot more money , but it is further away , and I do not see Rusty very much as it is . One of our friends asked me just the other night where Rusty was . It was only 8 p . m . and Rusty was in bed . I told him that I swear I saw Rusty more when he was on active duty . Then my friend put me in my place and said yes but he does not deploy any more . Good point . So no more complaining . One of Nikkis friends called the other day . I told this young man that Nikki was in Mexico . He just laughed . He said he expected nothing more then for Nikki to be gone . I ended up talking to this young man for about an hour and half . His name is Aaron and him and Nikki were in the church band together until he enlisted and now he is on his way to Iraq . I really enjoyed talking to this young man . He is going to take some leave and come home before he leaves for Iraq . He is going to come by and surprise Nikki . I think I am about to meet Nikiis future husband . Rusty said that Nikki cannot hook up this young man . I said why is it because he is in the Army . Would you rather her hook up with a marine ? Rusty said that he does not want his girls to hook up with any one in the service . I am however making this young man a quilt . I think that is all that has been going on around here . Today I am going to mow our little yard and try to clan up the house . I had to take our friend back to the airport last night , so my ass is dragging a lot ! So I get there and I sit down to start filling out these papers and then a gentlemen walks up to me and starts speaking Spanish to me . I give him the deer in the headlights look . Then he speaks English to me . The nurse says to me " your child is mentally retard with autism " . I was like well thanks for telling me this . Then she say 's " Well what can he do as far as p . e . goes " I very calmly say , " he can do anything that he wants . He will be in a special p . e . class along with all of the other children from the living skills class " The nurse then has the nerve to say to me so he does have limitations . I finally said " Look lady , I am his mom and I know him better then you ever will . His iep is in place and I do not need nor want your concerns . " I walked over to the next station . By now my blood is boiling . the lady at the next station says " You need to fill out this form so that your child can get on the Internet . " I told her that I was not going to sign the form . her response was " You must sign the form so that your son can do his reports " . Now I lost it . " I understand that the Internet is a wonderful tool to use . However my son does not even know how to turn one on or use a mouse . I know that he will not be writing any papers using the Internet " . Then lady , bless her soul says " well what if your son has a break through " I am going to go off on this bitch ! I said " lady if my son has a break through I will come back down here and sign all of the damn forms " she finally said to me " Oh one last question what language is spoken in the home ? " This chick has no clue ? I smiled and said " We speak Korean in our home . Please find a translator , so that we will not have to struggle with our English ! " Bitch have I not just been speaking to you in English ! Nikki 's councilors were suppose to be in yesterday . So I went up to the high school and the councilors were in but they were in meetings all day . So the secretary gave me an appointment for this morning . Later on today I have to take a copy of Ryans iep down to the district office because it seems that they are not going to bus him this year . Well I have news for them . It is in his iep and they are going to bus him . On the drive Nikki asked me how I find balance in my life . What ? I am 37 years old and I do not think I have found complete balance . I did tell her what I do when I start to get stressed out . I also suggested that she talk to help leaders because they take a lot of trips and I thought they might be able to help her find some balance . There is a saying that goes something like this . . Marines never wonder if they have made a difference in the world . That is true for Nikki as well . Amber made $ 120 dollars this weekend . Amber is happy that she made that money but she is also very discouraged . I know that Amber can do it . Amber just needs a taste of success . I had a few heart to heart with some of the marines this weekend . I find my self giving advice and then I wonder where the words have come from . I know that they come from my past experiences , but man I never realized how much I have gone through and how much I have learned . This weekend has been a blur to me . Rusty and I went in different directions this weekend . I swear the man keeps worse hours then he did when he was on active duty . So , tonight we went out to dinner . Just the two of us . I wantedto sit down and tell him everything that went on around here . I sometimes wonder if Rusty feels like he is missing out on some stuff . I know that he missed a lot while he was on active duty , but I have never asked him how he feels now . OH ! I go three pumpkins ! I picked them yesterday . I was so happy ! I think I am going to plant some more and see if I can 't get them to come up closer to Halloween . I am so sick of my ex not paying his support . He is only ordered $ 94 a month two children ! I think he should be put in jail . Hell if he is not working then let his ass sit in jail and rot . O . K . I am off my soap box and pity party . The lesson I have learned from all of this Money talks and bullshit walks . So show me the money or shut up . So tell me why again we have children ? Yesterday Manny and I went to pick Amber up from her girlfriends house . A cop pulls up right behind me . Great . He asks me to turn the car off . There is also an officer on the other side of the car . I am asked the usual questions , and then I am told that I need to put the plate on the front of the car . Great I can see another ticket coming . Amber comes walking out and walks right past the officer and throws her stuff in the car . The officer asks her who I was . Amber said " oh she is my aunt and she is kidnapping me " . While the officer on my side of the car asked me who Amber was . I said that she was my daughter . The officer asked me if my licence is current and if I have any outstanding tickets . I told a white lay . o . k . it was a big fat lie , and I said no . Amber is on the other side of the car asking the officer if I am going to get another ticket ! The officer finally lets me go . Today I am going to go to the beach . The beach is free and it is better then any therapy ! I so cant wait to stick my feet in the sand and to let the sun bake my body . I had a request for shepherds pie . So I think I am going to make that before I head out to the beach . I still to this day have never tried my own shepherds pie , but everyone else loves it . Rusty said that he had to go to San Diego today . That bums me out . Rusty told me to call him when I got to the beach . He said that if he was back from San Diego that we could go have lunch . I am telling you I think Rusty keeps worse hours then he did while he was on active duty . As for yesterday 's entry about how clean is your house . I just cannot believe that people let their houses get that far out of hand . I am always cleaning something . I am also a Lysol freak . I spray and wipe everything down , then I go back and do it again . Tomorrow i am going to pack everyone up and we are going to head to the beach . Before we get there we are going to swing by Rusty 's work and make a delivery for him . I have not helped Rusty out in a while , so I hope this will help him out . Amber is going to have another yard sale on Friday and Saturday . I do hope that she does well on the sale . Last month she came up short $ 20 . That is o . k . because I just know that she will make it up . What Amber does not know is that we will give her whatever money she does not make , but we are not going to tell her that . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go ! |
Hi , my name is Courtney . I 'm trying to live my life , but , no one said that it was easy . I make mistakes like any other person . I 've always had an interest in writing , so here goes ! : ) It was a beautiful and heartbreaking sight seeing my dad stand next to my uncle 's bed . He was silent , but I knew that his presence there was all that mattered . My dad talked about random things to his brother , trying to see if he was responsive . Each and every one of us were so relieved that Uncle Mark woke up . It brought our spirits up a little bit . We were hopeful that everything will be ok . Uncle Mark laid there staring into space each time we came in . He would look at us with these sad eyes . It broke my heart . I knew that he wanted to talk to us , but he still had a tube in his mouth . He couldn 't swallow without the help of the tube . He was getting his nutrients , medication , and water through other tubes . When the nurse came in to give him his medicine and water , it made me cry . I didn 't know how to handle what I was feeling . I felt so sorry for him . He was getting fed through a tube . We knew that it was the only way that he could get his nutrients , but it was extremely difficult for me to watch the nurse administer anything through the tubes . My dad told me that this was his third stroke . One happened before I was born and another happened when I was fairly little . This one was the worst one out of the three . We were trying to transfer him to a closer hospital . The staff at Stanford Medical was doing their best to transfer him each day , but with each day , there were no open beds for him . We were still trying . I believed that he was responsive . He had looked into my eyes and squeezed my hand when I was talking to him . It made my day . I knew that soon he 'll be able to breathe by himself and talk . Things will get better soon . " Courtney , there 's someone here to see you , " my mom said . " Go to the waiting room . " I walked into the waiting room and I couldn 't believe my eyes . Adam was here . I ran up and hugged him . " I wanted to see how you were doing , " he said . " I 'm ok , " I said , smiling . " I 'm glad you 're here . Did you bring anyone else ? " " No , they were busy , " he said . " Haylie made up some lame excuse not to be here today . " AdPosted by It was Christmas morning and we were in the hospital waiting room with my cousin Nina and my Aunt Lany . My dad still hasn 't came to visit Uncle Mark . He had a grudge against his brother . Uncle Mark was always down on his luck . He worked at the flea market selling socks for a living . I don 't think that my dad ever got over the fact that my uncle could have done so much more with his life . My uncle divorced Aunt Lany two years ago . All of his children were grown ( my cousins Connie , Gary , and Nina ) and he never had a really close relationship with any of his kids . He didn 't attend Connie 's wedding because he didn 't like her then - fiance , now ex - husband . He was a good dad , trying to support his family through working , but he just never had that closeness to his children the way they wanted him to be . Things turned for the worse when he married his late brother 's widow so she and her daughter could immigrate here . My Aunt Lydia went through a rough time when her husband passed away from leukemia at the age of 30 . My cousin Anne , who is the same age as me , had to experience losing a father at a very young age . I couldn 't begin to imagine the pain they both went through . My Aunt Lydia can be a bitch sometimes . When she came to the hospital last night she made Nina cry . She blamed this whole thing on Nina , saying that she should have went to college straight out of high school and not have waited a year . Needless to say , she 's not welcomed to see her husband when Nina 's here . My uncle was still unconscious . We were getting really worried about him . The doctor walked into Uncle Mark 's room . " Merry Christmas , " he said , smiling . The smile quickly disappeared as he got down to business . " I wish we had some great news , but we 're not sure of anything until he wakes up . We 're not sure if he will be responsive if he wakes up . We can 't lower his blood pressure too much because he 's so used to the high blood pressure that it might cause even more problems if we dramatically lower it . We 're doing it progressively . He might not be able toPosted by " What ? " I asked her in disbelief . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . Uncle Mark was our favorite uncle . He was the closest family member we have . I remembered when I was little , he would take me and Brittany out mini - golfing and to Disneyland . Brittany and I loved Uncle Mark . " Honey , Uncle Mark had a stroke last night , " my mom repeated . I knew that she was in shock also . I didn 't know that Uncle Mark had enough health problems to cause a stroke . I would have done something to help . I would have stopped him from having the third slice of extra - extra - extra cheesy pizza and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day . " Is he going to be ok ? " I asked her . " I don 't know , " she said , softly . " He 's at Stanford Medical right now . He was airlifted from Valley Medical and he 's not conscious . " " Are we going to go see him right now ? " I asked her . She nodded . " Go get your sister and get dressed , " she said . " I 'll call your dad and let him know what happened . " I went upstairs into Brittany 's room and woke her up . She looked at the clock and mumbled something about it being the weekend into the pillow . " Uncle Mark had a stroke , " I told her , softly . She immediately sat up . " What ? " she asked . She had the same shocked expression as my mom did . " We 're going to go see him right now , " I said . She nodded . " Ok , let me get ready , " she said , sadly . I went in my room and quickly changed . I ran downstairs and found my mom waiting for us , looking a little distraught . " What did Dad say ? " I asked her . " Nothing , he 's not coming , " she said . She saw Brittany running down the stairs . " Ok , girls , let 's go . It 's a long drive . " * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * It took us 3 hours to arrive at Stanford Medical . We couldn 't find a free parking space on the street and had to settle for parking in the parking garage . We parked the car and went into the hospital . Our cousin , Nina , greeted us in the cafeteria . Brittany and I both hugged her . " How are you doing ? " we asked her at the same time . She smiled . " I 'm ok , " she said . " I 'll take you to Dad . He 's in room 5 . " She broughPosted by Hey guys ! Happy Holidays ! May this winter bring you lots of happiness and good fortune ! : ) I 'm going to be on a plane in a couple of hours . Whoo hoo ! I just want to ask you guys for a favor . I was wondering if I can get some good energy sent my uncle 's way . We 're trying to get him well enough to transfer to a closer hospital and he 's been at Stanford Medical for awhile because of the stroke . It was a big one and we 're not sure if he will ever recover fully . Please and thank you . Happy Holidays again ! J ' et : ) I laid in bed with my eyes opened . I was exhausted , but I couldn 't sleep . I tossed and turned for half an hour , thinking about everything that the future holds . When I realized that I wasn 't going to get any sleep , I got out of bed and decided to do something productive . I pulled out my laptop and started to type my psychology paper . 30 minutes later , I realized that I wasn 't writing anything related to psych . I was writing down my feelings about college . I didn 't realize how terrified I was to be moving into the future . I didn 't know what it would hold for me . I didn 't even know what I wanted to do with my life . I feel like I have to make a decision now before I graduate . I sighed and turned off my laptop . Obviously , I 'm not going to get any work done . I rubbed my eyes . I sighed again . I haven 't been sleeping well for the last couple of days . I was too tired to deal with the Adam / Haylie situation . Whatever they 're hiding from me , I 'm just going to let this one go . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I hit the snooze button 3 times before dragging myself out of bed . I had finally drifted off to sleep at 3 in the morning . I brushed my teeth , washed my face , and stumbled downstairs . Of course , I almost tripped on my long pajama pants and almost broke my neck . Luckily , I caught myself before damaging myself . I stumbled into the kitchen where there was a plate of pancakes waiting for me on the breakfast table . " Morning , Mom , " I mumbled . " Thanks . " I drenched my pancakes with syrup . " Morning , sweetie , " she said , chirpily . " Did you get any sleep ? " " Not really , " I said , taking a bite of my pancakes . . " A couple hours . " " Hopefully , you can get a couple more hours tonight , " she said . The phone rang . " I 'll get it . " I nodded and watched her leave the room in search of our phone . I took another bite out of my pancakes and decided to put more syrup . I 'm going to need the sugar today to keep me awake . I finished my pancakes and set my plate in the sink . I went into the living room and heard my mom crying . " Mom , what 's wrong ? " I asPosted by As Christmas neared , I started to become more and more depressed . It made me sad to think about graduation and college knowing that our family could be separated next year . If both Brittany and I get into Beachside University , then we would be living in the dorms . My parents were big advocates of the college experience . I wasn 't sure that I was ready to leave our house and our memories there . Each Christmas , ever since I could remember , we would go out as a family and pick out a tree at our local nursery . We would stop by the coffee shop next to the nursery afterwards and each get a peppermint hot chocolate . We would bring the tree home and spend the entire day decorating the house . My dad was in charge of putting up all of the Christmas lights and the insane outdoor decorations . We had the complete reindeer and Santa sleigh ensemble on our lawn . My favorite outdoor ornament are the giant candy canes . While my dad handles the outdoor decorations , my mom handles all of the indoor decorations . She hangs all of the cards that we 've ever received on top of the fireplace . She takes out all of the little figurines and places them in our walkway . She takes out all of the candles , pillows , tablecloth , and plates and sets them in the living room and dining room . She even takes out the ornaments for me and my sister . Courtney and I are responsible for decorating the tree . Every year we argue about which colors to use and where to hang each ornament . Decorating the tree is my favorite part of Christmas . My mom would start on Christmas Eve by making the gingerbread dough with my sister and I . We would build the gingerbread houses early on Christmas morning after we opened all of our presents . We would spend the whole day making Christmas dinner together . My mom makes the best ginger snaps . Last Christmas my parents had to go on a business trip to New York and we couldn 't spend Christmas together . Brittany and I didn 't feel comfortable enough to decorate our house without our parents . We couldn 't break tradition . Instead , we opted Posted by Brittany Murphy was pronounced dead at 10 : 04am this morning . My deepest condolences go out to Brittany 's family and friends . My thoughts and prayers will be with you . She was so young , so full of life . I loved Uptown Girls , it was one of my favorite movies . She brought such charisma to the screen with her bubbly personality . Brittany , your work will be forever remembered by your fans . I am in complete shock . 32 is too young to go . Rest in peace , Brittany . " What are you talking about , Court ? " she asked me , confused . " I have no idea what you 're talking about . " She put out her cigarette . I didn 't know if she was playing dumb or she was actually confused . If she was playing dumb , then she was doing one hell of a job . If I wasn 't so angry at her , I would have believed her . " You know what I 'm talking about ! " I exclaimed . Adam rushed over here to referee . I could yell at her as loud as I wanted to , there was no one left on campus . I couldn 't believe that she was playing dumb . It was getting me angrier by the second . " The drugs ! " " What are you talking about ? " She asked . I was infuriated that she was denying it . I sat down on the curb and put my head down on my knees . I was getting a stress headache . I looked up at her and gave her a " you know what I 'm talking about " look . " Oh ! The drugs ! " " Yes , the drugs ! " I cried out . Now she knew what I was talking about . I needed to get out of here before I did or said something I would regret . " You know what ? Go ahead and destroy your body . I don 't care . " I breezed past her and walked to Adam 's car . I had expected Adam to follow me . When I turned around , I saw him talking to Haylie . They weren 't really talking . They looked like they were arguing . Haylie stormed off and Adam walked towards the car . " What was that about ? " I asked him . He opened the passenger door for me and helped me into the car . He looked into my eyes . " Nothing , " he said . " Don 't worry about it . " He shut my door and went around to the driver 's side . I am so sick of everyone hiding things from me . It was a little odd that Haylie looked genuinely confused and when I put my head down , she suddenly knew what I was talking about . Did Adam mouth something to her ? Was she and Adam hiding something from me ? Was I being paranoid ? Am I acting crazy ? I tossed and turned that night . I couldn 't get those thoughts out of my head . Hey guys ! How is everyone 's week going ? Let 's kick off this Fast - Talking Friday ! Today marks the 15th month I 've been together with my boyfriend . It 's crazy how fast time flies . I remember , like it was yesterday , that I couldn 't wait to get my permit . Then , I couldn 't wait to get my license . Then , I couldn 't wait to graduate . Now , I 'm 18 and done with my first semester of college . I think this is the best part of being a college student . I get to say : Finals are DONE ! I can 't begin to describe how happy I am ! I 've missed sleeping and not being hyped up on caffeine . Now , I can relax and enjoy the month and a half off ! Vancouver is creeping up so fast ! 1 more week to go ! It 's time to pull out the incredibly warm sweaters and other winter clothes ! Hopefully , it will snow when I 'm up in Canada . It 's been a childhood dream of mine to have it snow in California . Sadly , it only snowed once in my entire life . Well , the snow melted right when it landed on the ground , so I don 't think it counts . What are your guys ' plans for the holidays ? Are you visiting relatives ? Travelling ? Pigging out on delicious holiday food ? I 'd love to know . Happy Friday and Happy Holiday , guys ! * * * NOTE : Thanks to anonymous for correcting my mistake ! Obviously , I shouldn 't go into anything involving Drugs if I go into Forensics . Thanks again and sorry about the mistake ! * * * " What ? " I exclaimed . I was so loud that a couple of people looked over at where we were standing . He put a hand over my mouth and shushed me . " Do you want everyone to know ? " he asked , annoyed . The bell rang , signaling that it was time to go to class . " We 'll talk later . Meet me at my car . " He walked away as I stared at him with my mouth hanging wide open . How could it be possible that Haylie was doing drugs ? She didn 't have any of the clear signs of a user . She looked a little worn out , but I had assumed that it was due to cramming for finals . Am I that ignorant ? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * " Tell me everything , " I said to Adam . He took a deep breath . Adam looked so nervous , his fingers were absentmindedly tapping against the steering wheel . He was reluctant to speak . He knew how I felt about drugs . It was a deal breaker for me . My view of Haylie had instantly changed the minute I found out . I wanted to slap her for being so stupid . " I had gone over to her house a couple days ago , " he said . " I opened the door with my key and I let myself in . The second I stepped foot into her house , I knew . I knew she was smoking pot . Her house reeked of it . " " How did she get it ? " I asked him . My body felt completely numb . I didn 't know what else to say . I was still getting over the initial shock . It was like I didn 't know who Haylie Conner is . She wasn 't the girl I thought she was . " I don 't know , " he said . " I took her out to dinner . At the place where you saw us . It was perfect . It was intimate . No one would overhear our conversation and Haylie couldn 't cause a scene . I asked her why she was smoking pot . " He paused . " She said that it relaxes her , " he continued . " It helps her deal with the whole Steve situation and being alone . " I didn 't know what to say to that . I bursted into tears . Adam pulled me into his arms . " Don 't cry , " he said , softly . " IPosted by I was on my way to the school library to do some studying for my finals . I had decided that this was the perfect place to hide . I 'm pretty sure that Haylie has never set foot in a library and that Adam was too busy filling his empty stomach to realize that I was hiding here . I knew that I had to confront them sooner or later , but I 'm choosing later . On the bright side , I 'm getting some studying done . As soon as I stepped foot in the library , I saw Sarah sitting alone at an empty table . I wasn 't really surprised . Separating Sarah from a library is like separating peanut butter and jelly . It cannot and should not be done . She waved at me and motioned for me to take a seat at the table she was at . I smiled and walked to her table . " Hey , fancy seeing you here , " she greeted me in a whisper . I smiled . " Yeah , I have to study for physiology , " I told her . She nodded , understanding how much I needed to study for the class . She had taken the course last year . I felt bad for not telling Sarah about seeing Haylie and Adam together , but there was no need to spread around rumors on something that I haven 't confirmed to be true . I didn 't want another incident like the one I was in . I had asked around and no one knew how the rumor started . They didn 't know how it had erupted into such a circus . When I heard about Tiger Woods and his situation , I instantly felt bad for him . I knew , to some extent , how he was feeling . I opened my physiology book and started to make flashcards . Five minutes into studying , I looked up and saw Sarah waving at someone . I looked over to where she was looking at . I saw Adam standing at the doorway . Oh no . He walked over and sat down next to me . " I feel like you 've been avoiding me , Courtney , " he whispered to me . " What 's wrong ? " Sarah looked uncomfortable . She didn 't do well in stressful situations involving people . " Um , I 'm going to go , " Sarah said , softly . " I 'll talk to you guys later . " She picked up all of her books and walked away . I gathered my books and walked out behind her , with Adam following me . " I 'm notPosted by I was still avoiding Adam and Haylie . I think they could sense that something was up . I didn 't have time to think about the whole Adam and Haylie dating situation . At least , I tried not to think about the whole Adam and Haylie situation . I opened my front door and realized that I came home to my parents screaming . I was extremely confused , I had no idea what was going on . I figured out that it was coming from the kitchen . Of course , I 'm a coward and decided to run upstairs and hide in my room . I kept the door open so I could hear everything that was going on . " Brittany , what is this ? " I heard my mom yell . She sounded really angry . " Why do you have birth control pills ? Are you having sex ? You 're having sex with that boy , aren 't you ? Aren 't you ? " OMG . I can 't believe my mom found Brittany 's birth control pills ! My eyes darted around my room . Where can I hide mine so my mom doesn 't find them ? I usually kept mine in my backpack , but I 'm worried that she 's going to do a search and seizure of both Brittany 's room and my room . I ended up wedging the pills behind the tiny gap between my bed and the wall . " No , I 'm not , Mom ! " Brittany protested . " I swear I 'm not ! " I crossed my fingers for her . I hoped that my mom and dad believed her . Please believe her . I could hear Brittany crying . I felt horrible for her . My parents have the tendency to overreact . Even though I know for a fact that Brittany was having sex with Zack , my parents didn 't need to know that . Please believe her . Brittany , time to bring in your Oscar winning performance . " Don 't lie to your mother , young lady ! " my dad yelled . " It 's that boy , isn 't it ? He forced himself onto you didn 't he ? " " No , Dad ! We haven 't done anything ! " Brittany insisted . " Where did you get the pills then ? " my mom asked , accusingly . Come on , Brittany ! Come up with a good excuse ! " I got them at the health convention at school , " she said , convincingly . " Planned Parenthood was one of the people who were hosting the convention and they were giving out contraceptives and birth control to the girls . " ThaPosted by Hey guys ! It 's another Friday ! That means finals are coming up and I have my first final today . One more week and then winter break ! I just want to wish those who have finals coming up , GOOD LUCK ! Get some rest and eat some breakfast before you go take it . I 'm not feeling so well . I feel awful because I infected my boyfriend who NEVER gets sick . I 'm not getting any better due to dead week . Hopefully when finals are over , I can get better . I 'm catching up on some SNL . Does anyone have any good TV shows or blogs that they would like to recommend ? Happy Friday , guys ! : ) I avoided Adam and Haylie today . I didn 't know what happened at the restaurant , but I didn 't want to know . If two of my best friends are dating , then that 's fine with me . Is it really fine ? I pushed that thought away . Of course I was fine . It 's not like I 'm jealous or anything . Why would I be ? It 's just Haylie and Adam . It 's not like it 's some random chick and some random dude . But you are jealous . There 's nothing to be jealous of . I 'm with Logan . I tried telling myself . I don 't think I was very convincing . I don 't know why I felt this way . I 'm completely happy with Logan . I love him . Right ? " Are you ok ? " Justin asked me , breaking my train of thoughts . " Yes , I 'm fine , " I said . " I 'm just thinking . " I pushed aside all thoughts about Logan , Haylie and Adam and concentrated on the matter at hand . I have the honor of going with Justin to pick out the engagement ring for Sarah . It is incredibly difficult to find the perfect ring at the right price . I couldn 't believe that this was actually happening . Justin and Sarah have gone through their ups and their downs like any other couple . Sarah 's parents did not approve of Justin because he wasn 't considered to be " up to Sarah 's standards " . Well , who is ? Sarah is a goddess who knows how to manage her time . Her ultimate goal was to get into Stanford , which was why she joined numerous clubs and volunteered at our local animal shelter . Her parents felt that she could do better than Justin . There was nothing wrong with Justin . I wouldn 't say that he was incredibly academic . He got decent grades , averaging at least a 3 . 5 . He was only in one club , which was the Cooking Club . The only reason why he was in that in the first place was to make food for Sarah . His main priority was Sarah and work . He was an incredibly sweet and thoughtful guy . He spoils Sarah to death . He works two jobs just so he can take her out and buy gifts for her . I remember in freshman year , he had sketched a picture of him and Sarah in a heart for Valentine 's Day . His gift made all of the girls at school completely jealoPosted by I opened the box and found his class ring with a gold chain attached to it . It was beautiful . It was one of those classic class rings where it read Beachside High School . The ring was in white gold with a round sapphire ( his birthstone ) that made it look amazing , I couldn 't believe how color coordinated it was . There was our school mascot , the falcon , engraved on one side , and our graduating year on the other side . It was fantastic . I couldn 't believe that he was giving me his class ring . This was a huge commitment - for the both of us . " Oh , honey , " I said , grinning . I was extremely touched . " It 's beautiful ! " " Let me help you put it on , " he said . I held up my hair as he put the necklace on . " It looks better on you . " I laughed . " I know , " I said , smiling . He playfully pushed me onto my bed . " Hey ! " I looked at him . " " I love you too , Courtney , " he said , smiling . He nuzzled my neck . " We could stay here if you want . I 'm sure we could find something to do . I laughed . " Let 's go , " I said . I don 't want him all over me with my whole family home . If my mom or my dad came in and checked up on me , there would be no question . Logan 'd be dead . If my parents catch him even thinking about touching me , he 'd be dead . That 's how protective my parents are of their kids . Of course , they didn 't know about Taylor . " I see how it is , " he joked . He took my hand and lead me downstairs . " You promised me dinner , " I said , laughing . " Bye , Mom ! Bye , Dad ! " I heard mumbles and we closed the door behind us . He drove us to the restaurant , where he had made reservations . The waiter took us to our table and gave us the menus . I barely glanced at it . I knew what I wanted . I always ordered the Caesar salad . I looked around the restaurant , taking in the atmosphere . It was a very mellow restaurant . There were candles set on the middle of the table , making it extremely romantic . We placed our orders and handed the menus back to our waiter . I smiled at Logan . " This is really nice , " I said . I was practically glowing and jittery . I was extremely happy to be with Logan . Posted by I didn 't want to go out for out one month anniversary . Logan was being extremely sweet . He brought chocolate and flowers to school . He whispered sweet nothings into my ear . He was trying really hard to get back on my good side . He wanted to take me out to a restaurant for our one month anniversary . I didn 't know what to get him for our anniversary . I have been searching for the perfect gift . It is incredibly difficult to shop for guys . I finally decided on an engraved pen and this . . this . . DJ Hero game that he 's been wanting . He had decided against buying it because he wanted to buy a car before he buys DJ Hero . I stepped out of the shower . I took the blow dryer out and started drying my hair . Things weren 't so bad when I went back to school . No one threw tomatoes at me in the halls , no one said anything to my face . I knew that there were rumors circulating still , but it will blow over sooner or later . Farrah and Taylor graduated last year . I hope word doesn 't get to Farrah , who is going to UCLA . She will make my life a living hell - worse than what it is now . I turned of the dryer and started curling my hair . I had turned in my application to Beachside University a couple of days ago . Brittany had also applied there . It wasn 't for me . Zack was going to get a full ride and play football at BU , so Brittany is aiming to go to school there too . BU was my first and only choice . If I didn 't get in , I 'd have to go to Beachside College . I think the whole group applied there , but it was their backup college . I set down the curler and sighed . Thinking about college was making me sad . I don 't know if the 6 of us will stick together , let alone Logan and I sticking together . I don 't want to force him to do anything . I 'm a little scared that we 're all going to drift apart . Sarah , Justin , and I barely talk as it is . Henry is constantly texting me and asking how he can make Haylie love him . It was cute the first time he asked , but after 1 , 358 , 964 times , it gets annoying . I looked down and saw the kitty rubbing against my legs . I picked hPosted by Hey , guys ! Well , it 's Friday again ! Just an update : I figured out another class to take that meets the transfer requirement for Psych , so I am a Psych major again ! : ) I missed the option because I kept looking at the requirements page over and over again . Silly me . It 's DECEMBER ! : ) December is one of my favorite times of the year . Back when I worked in retail , it was the busiest time and I got hecka hours ! Now , since I 'm a full time student , it 's a great time to spend numerous hours purchasing presents for Christmas ! I love giving presents , it 's much more fun that getting them ! Have you guys gotten your shopping done for those who celebrate Christmas ? For those who don 't celebrate Christmas , have you done anything to prepare for the holiday you do celebrate ? Is it just me or are guys REALLY hard to shop for ? I can never figure out what to get my boyfriend for Christmas or for his birthday . I bought him something already which I hope that he 'll like . It 's a 1GB USB keychain with Janet loves Kevyn engraved on it on the front with a heart , a rose and little scrolls that says Love You Forever on the back of it . His birthday is in Feb . and I think I 'm going to get him a DSi or the DSl ( or whatever it 's called ) . He told me he wanted one . Do you guys have any tips for giving gifts to guys ( that don 't involve giftcards ) ? My kitty , Uri , had worms and my boyfriend and I brought her to the vet and she got all of her shots ( her previous owner did not give her the shots ) and she got dewormed . Now , the poor thing has a mild fever and is lounging around and not playing . It 's scary to see her act this way because I have never seen her sick before . We have been spoiling the heck out of her and giving her treats because we feel bad that she 's sick ( and for the horrible 20 minute car ride to and from the vet . She HATES cars and kept meowing the whole ride ! ) . I 'm hoping that she gets better soon . I wanted to get her declawed , but that procedure is expensive ! I don 't know if it would be beneficial for us in the long run . I 'm thinking so Posted by I walked until my feet hurt . I wanted to clear my head . The only place I could do that was the park . I sat down on one of the benches and place my bag next to me . I stared at the beautiful fall leaves . Its reds , oranges , and yellows instantly cheered me up . I watched as the leaves littered the ground . Each leaf falling was an art . I didn 't want to cry . I just wanted to enjoy the beautiful scenery . I imagined this was what Central Park looked like in the fall . I 've already cried enough last week . I couldn 't explain it . I had a wave of calmness wash over me . I was no longer stressed out , I felt free and invincible . I walked to the nearby coffeestand and purchased a hot chocolate . I imagined that this is the life that adults lived . Absolutely no care in the world . No pettiness , no gossip , no rumors - a stress - free world with absolutely zero drama . The thought of a drama - free , stress - free world made me smile . I took the hot chocolate back to the bench I was sitting in . I pulled out the novel I was supposed to read for English . 1984 , the title read . It seemed like it was a good book when my teacher described it . It was a novel about a society where the government is watching your every move . I opened the novel to page one and started reading . An hour or two must have passed when I was interrupted . " Oh , Courtney , I finally found you ! " the voice shouted . I looked up and saw Logan rushing over to me . " I was worried sick about you ! " The color drained from my face . It was too soon for me to see Logan . I was planning on hiding out for at least one night before I saw him . I didn 't know what to say to him or how to act around him , to say the least . He had broken my trust . I could have sworn I felt my heart shatter when I saw him . " What are you doing here ? " I managed to ask him . " Looking for you ! " he exclaimed . " I looked on the beach , I went to your house , I went to the coffeeshop , I went to the mall , but I couldn 't find you . " He pulled me into a hug . I pushed him away . " Yeah , I 've been here , " I said . He pulled me in for another hug . " I ' Posted by My parents made me go to school today . They personally drove me to make sure that I wouldn 't ditch . I walked in the hallways and it immediately got quiet . I let out a sigh . Here we go again . I ignored the silence and walked to Physiology . I took my seat in the back as usual and pull out all of my materials . People were whispering around me . " I think she got an abortion ! That 's why she was gone last week . " I heard a girl whisper . I rolled my eyes and put my earphones in . I rather listen to my music than listen to my class gossip about me . I scrolled through my playlist until I found the song I was looking for , " Bad Day " by Daniel Powter . I saw Logan walk in when the song was over . I smiled . He sat down next to me and kissed my forehead . He took out one of the earphones and whispered " I love you " into my ear . I couldn 't help but smile . I took out my other earphone and put my iPod away . " How was your Thanksgiving ? " Logan asked , smiling . " It was ok , " I said , smiling . " We had way too much turkey and stuffed ourselves way to much . You should have came , it would have been fun ! Especially Black Friday shopping with Adam and I . " " You went Black Friday shopping ? " he asked , surprised . I saw his smile fade away . " With Adam ? " " Yeah , Adam and I camped out outside of Best Buy , " I said , my smile wavering . " We had a tent , a sleeping bag , turkey sandwiches , and drinks . It was definitely fun camping out just the two of us all night . " I wanted to kick myself . Please just shut up . I told myself . But I didn 't do anything wrong . I argued with myself . " Why didn 't you ask me to come ? " he asked me , his tone accusing . I sighed . I didn 't want to fight with Logan . I was getting annoyed at his tone though . " Babe , I asked you to dinner , " I said , calmly . " You didn 't want to come , so I assumed that you didn 't want to come Black Friday shopping either . You said you were busy . " " I don 't trust him around you , " he said , angrily . " You don 't trust me ? " I asked him , angrily . " You think that I 'm going to cheat on you with the first guy I see ? " " You did steal someoPosted by Logan still hasn 't texted me . I decided to take the initiative to invite him over for Thanksgiving . I don 't want there to be anything wrong with our relationship and if I have to put aside my stubbornness and text him , so be it . " Can I ask Logan to come over for Thanksgiving ? " I asked my mom . " Sure , I would love to meet this boy you 're seeing , " she said . I excitedly ran to my phone and texted Logan : Babe , do you want to come over for Thanksgiving tomorrow ? I quickly got a response : I can 't , I 'm busy . Isn 't it too early to have dinner with your parents anyway ? I couldn 't help but be a little irritated and disappointed . I made the effort to include him into my Thanksgiving plans . He was probably going to go out with his friends . He told me that his family didn 't celebrate Thanksgiving . Maybe it 's my fault because I asked him last minute . Thanksgiving day came . I woke up to a wonderful aroma of Thanksgiving foods . I looked at my clock . 4 : 15 ! I slept to 4 : 15 ? I shouldn 't have been catching up on my Cougar Town online . What can you say ? I love Courteney Cox ! I went downstairs and was greeted by my mom . " Morning , sleepyhead , " she said , smiling . " Can you check on the pie in the oven for me ? " " Sure , Mom , " I said . I opened the oven and stuck a toothpick in the pie . " Still needs to bake . " The doorbell rang . I opened the door . It was Adam . " Hey , Court , " he said , grinning . " I brought you yesterday 's homework . " He handed me a stack of papers . " Thanks ! What are you doing for Thanksgiving ? " I asked him . He shrugged . " Probably going to grab a pizza , " he said . " We don 't do Thanksgiving . " " Oh , come on ! " I exclaimed . " Stay and have turkey with us ! " " Are you sure ? " he asked me . " You 're always welcomed here , " I said , laughing . I pushed him inside . " Mom ! Adam 's going to stay for dinner ! " " Sure thing ! " my mom shouted from the kitchen . Dinner was amazing . My mom makes the best turkey . We stuffed ourselves with all of the Thanksgiving goodness . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Adam and I decided to go Black Friday shopping . We took the Posted by Hey guys ! I hope you guys had a Happy Thanksgiving ! I know I did ! Thanksgiving is the only time of year that my family eats turkey ( mostly because we eat so much and we get sick of it ) . We don 't have the BIG family gathering for Thanksgiving , so it 's a 20 + lb turkey for 4 people . I 'm already sick of turkey and it 's day 2 . I want to hear about your Thanksgiving ! There will be a change in the posting schedule ! I would like you guys to get to know me a little bit . So , Fridays would now be Fast - Talking Fridays . If you guys knew me , you would instantly go " Yes , she does talk REALLY fast ! " I tend to ramble a bit , so * WARNING * = PLet 's get the first Fast - Talking Friday going . I have never properly introduced myself . My name is Janet , but I really dislike the name , so I prefer to go by J ' et ( pronounced Jet , like Jet li ) . My mom named me Janet because she believed that people with the name Janet are intelligent people . It didn 't help me out too much , since I believe I am of average intelligence . My friend Luke is the one who came up with J ' et and I really like it , so J ' et it is . I want to thank Alicia for pointing out to me that there was something wrong with the comment section of this blog . I believe that it 's due to the new layouts that I 'm trying out . I might have to keep this one just so we don 't have any more problems . I know that you guys are pretty sick of having the layout changed on you every couple of days , so I 'm going to stop . AND ! I 'm pretty sure that I fixed the comment problem . * fingers crossed * Currently , I am suffering from writer 's block . I am being swamped with papers and essays and debate preparations . Finals are coming up soon also . I am also suffering from a self - declared low dose of depression . I wanted to be a Psychology major to become a forensics psychologist or a high school / college counselor , but , I did not get into the Anatomy class I needed for the major due to the high number of nursing students . There are currently over 100 people on the waitlist for each anatomy class offered at my Community ColPosted by I was extremely glad that I had stayed home from school today . I had already avoided going to school yesterday and had opted to just hide out in my room . Logan hasn 't sent me another text or stopped by or called me . I think he is avoiding me because of the rumors . He should know that they aren 't true ! My dad was getting mad at me for staying home and avoiding my problems when I should be facing them . He made me go to San Francisco with him . He thought that it would be a good idea for me to get out of the house . We went to Union Square and looked at workers trimming the Christmas tree . The Christmas tree was HUGE ! It 's like one of those ones that you see on TV in New York ! Then we went into Macy 's ( it 's 7 stories ! I 've never been to a Macy 's that was 7 stories ! ) to look at women 's stuff . We looked at the handbags . I think it 's weird that I look at handbags with my dad and not my mom . My mom doesn 't like to go shopping very much . After we went to Macy 's we decided to go get something to eat in Chinatown , which was only a couple of blocks away . Of course , we passed by Juicy Couture ( it was 3 stories ! ) . I had to go inside . It was amazing ! Of course , my dad and I looked at their handbags . I wished that Haylie was there with us so we could gush about how cute the bags were . I 'm now debating on whether or not to get a Coach bag . It 's more classy than a Juicy bag . It would look more professional when I am older . My dad and I ate at this Japanese restaurant in Chinatown . It was weird . The food was amazing ! I ordered the teriyaki beef . The meat was grilled to perfection . Their California rolls were divine . Honestly , the best California rolls I 've ever had . They had these yam fries that tasted like curly fries . This is my new favorite restaurant . What was weird about this restaurant was that the owners were Chinese . It shouldn 't be weird , but I thought it was . " Honey , how long do you plan on staying home ? " my dad asked me . " Until it blows over , " I said , stubbornly . " Or never ! I can always be homeschooled . " " It 's your senior yearJayjay0jt I woke up this morning feeling a little sick . I had a bit of a sore throat and a stuffy nose . I called Adam and told him that I might not make it to school . Of course , he came to my house and picked me up this morning . He was worried that I would have to walk in the rain again . He didn 't want me to get even more sick . I feel bad because he 's going to get sick too . When we walked into the science building and everyone stopped talking . I looked at Adam , confused . He shrugged his shoulders . The girls giggled at us when we walked past them . The guys pointed at us and laughed . I tried to not let it get to me , but I couldn 't help wondering what they were laughing about . Was it my hair ? Was it my clothes ? Do I have something stuck in my teeth ? I sat in my usual seat in physiology . I prepared for class , taking out my notebook and pens . I carefully listened to the whispers . " I heard that she 's pregnant ! " I heard one person whisper . Wait , what ? Are they talking about me ? " I heard she cheated on Logan with Justin , " Another person whispered . " She doesn 't know who the baby daddy is . " I continued rummaging through my backpack , pretending that I wasn 't listening . I was in shock . " God , she can 't keep her legs closed for two seconds ! " Someone whispered . WHAT ! ? ! " What a slut ! " One girl exclaimed . She did not just call me a slut . " Do you think I can get at her ? " The guy in the row across from me whispered . I heard a few people laugh at that . I almost burst into tears . Right at that moment , Logan came in and took his seat next to me . The class erupted into more whispers . He immediately noticed that something was wrong with me . " What 's wrong , babe ? " he asked me . He gave me a kiss , which made the class erupt with more whispers . I shook my head . " Nothing , " I told him . " I 'm not feeling well , that 's all . " The bell rang and the whispers turned into note - passing . I felt like throwing up . I don 't understand where the rumors were coming from . They were completely false . Justin and Sarah are completely in love and want to get married . I have been lookingPosted by I don 't know where to start . I had a really bad day . In the morning , while walking to school because my sister happened to take the car to school , it had started to rain heavily . Of course , I didn 't think of bringing an umbrella because I was naive enough to think that the rain wouldn 't start until I got to class . I was wrong and ended up being soaking wet . Of course , some idiot had decided to run a red light and had almost hit me in his efforts to get somewhere on time . After my near death experience and being soaked all the way through , I finally made it to school . Needless to say , I was in a bad mood . Logan made it worse . " What do you want to do today , babe ? " he asked me . " I didn 't know we were hanging out today , " I told him , confused . " Well , yea , it 's my day off ! " he exclaimed . I was immediately annoyed . I couldn 't believe that he expected me - assumed that I would automatically hang out with him because it was his day off . He didn 't even ask me if it was ok if we hung out today . So , when I became his girlfriend he just stops asking me whether or not I wanted to do something with him ? What am I , his property ? I deserved to be informed ! Is it just me , or am I crazy ? I couldn 't help but voice this . " You never asked me if I wanted to hang out with you ! " I said , angrily . " It would be nice if I had gotten a heads up . " Logan was taken aback by my tone and my anger . " I thought that it would be nice to do something together since it was day off , " he tried to explain . Deep down , I knew he wanted to do something nice for me , but I just wanted to be a bitch . " Yeah , it would have been nice to know , " I told him . " I wanted to be by myself today . Just have a day to myself . " Logan was starting to get angry because of my behavior . " Well , fine ! Take the day for yourself ! Take as many days as you need ! " he yelled at me . He walked away angrily as I stood there stunned . We both just needed to cool down . I texted him after school and asked him to come over so we could talk . He came over almost immediately . " Hey , " I said to him . " Hey , " he said to me . Posted by I was practically floating on air . Haylie and I were talking again , she and I were hanging out . She is doing a really good job on getting over Steve . The four of us ( Logan , Haylie , Adam , and I ) have been hanging out together trying to keep Haylie 's mind off of Steve . I swear , it is a 24 hour job ! They have done everything together ! They rollerblades together , went to the beach together , went to the movies together , went to the cafe together , they did everything together . I swear , that boy tried everything in the book to get into her panties ! Everything Haylie saw reminded her of Steve . I didn 't mind though , I was spending time with my two best friends and my boyfriend . Also , the whole Taylor thing . He had stopped the creepy stalking and weird behavior . Ricky is a bad influence on him . I got a text from him today . " Hey stranger . " I cheerfully responded back : " Right back at you , stranger . " Nothing could ruin my day . This must be what it feels like to be high on life . No drama with your friends , no drama with your ex - boyfriend , no drama with your sister , no drama with your boyfriend ! I must say , it feels good ! I decided to visit Logan at work . He refused to let me drive him home from work and was hitching rides off of his coworkers . When that failed , he would just walk home in the dark . Men and their pride , I swear . I walked into the cafe where I had first spotted Logan on the last day of summer . I walked up to where Logan was busily working . " Hey , babe , " I greeted him . " Hey , Court , " he said , not looking up . " I 'm kind of busy right now . " " It 's ok , " I said . " I 'll just be right over there . " I pointed to the two seater where I was sitting when we first met . " Yea , ok , " he said without looking at me . I was a little annoyed , but I knew that he had alot of orders to fill . I couldn 't really blame him for being so busy . It just annoyed me that he couldn 't look at me for two seconds just to say hi to me . I understand that he had been working himself crazy to try to pay for a car . He 's been trying to get more hours for the past week , and Posted by I had tried to forget about the whole Taylor situation . I had hoped that he had forgotten about me and had moved onto some other " lucky " girl . Just my luck , that didn 't happen . I was in the bathroom , getting ready for bed when I heard someone in my room . I thought nothing of it , I thought that it was Brittany borrowing something from my room . She always comes into my room and borrows things without asking . It wouldn 't bother me , but she always loses it in her room or she never returns it , which is a pain in the butt . " Brittany ! " I yelled . " If you 're going to borrow something , at least return it when you 're done ! " I didn 't hear her reply . She usually replied with something sarcastic or agrees halfheartedly . I thought that was odd . I went into my room to investigate . When I walked into my room , I saw rose petals scattered on my bed and a trail of petals leading to the door . Taylor was standing right at the doorway . " Taylor , how did you get in here ? " I asked him . I was starting to get scared . He was in my house . I 'm pretty sure that Brittany didn 't let him in . I had told her everything that has been happening with Taylor . She definitely wouldn 't have let him in . I suddenly realized that my window was opened . He came in through my 2nd story window . " Through your window , " he said , shrugging like it was no big deal that he had came into my house uninvited . It was like he thought he belonged here . " Ok , Taylor , " I told him . " I have a boyfriend . " " He 's not your boyfriend , " he told me . " I am . You can stop holding it back . I know you love me . Is he abusing you ? Is that why you can 't tell me ? You know that you belong with me . " " Taylor ! We broke up over a year ago ! " I exclaimed . " You wouldn 't let me explain , " he told me . " Adam didn 't know the whole story . He just showed you the picture without verifying the facts . " " Listen , Taylor , " I said , sighing . " It was a long time ago . Please just let it go . I did a long time ago . " " You deserve to know the truth though ! " he protested . " Adam paid that girl to kiss me ! She was in one of my classes andPosted by Just in case you guys don 't read the side bars , sometimes I don 't , I would like to tell you what is going on . It is official . I am leaving for Seattle and Vancouver on Dec . 25th and will be back on the 31st . I will not have my laptop with me during that week . I am trying to write up extra posts so there will be some schedule posts during that week . ALSO ! I am leaving Jan . 2nd for San Diego . I will be gone until Jan . 11th . I WILL have my laptop with me during this time , so I will be writing posts while I am there . As you can see , I love to travel . HEADS UP : There are some premature plans for Vietnam and Thailand ( or was it Taiwan ? ) in the summer . We 'll get to that when we get to summer . If you have any questions or concerns , please post them in the comment area ! : ) Thank you for reading ! Have a muy bueno day ! : ) Just a reminder : Monday 's post is below ! : ) * * Hey guys , I know that I posted yesterday and that it 's not Monday yet , but I am completely swamped tonight and tomorrow morning with a bunch of things that are due tomorrow ( I 'm currently dealing with flakey partners for a presentation and have to do the entire project by myself ) , so I am posting tomorrow 's post today . I can 't schedule the post because I wrote it on my itouch during the time when I didn 't have my laptop . I am sorry if this inconviences you in any way ! I hope you guys understand ! * * Adam and I went to Haylie 's house . Adam had brought some chocolate ice cream along just in case we weren 't going to make it to school . Logan didn 't like the idea of me skipping school but he knew that Haylie was in pretty bad shape . When Haylie answered the door , She looked like she was a mess . I didn 't know how she was going to react to me coming over to her house after our fight . Quite frankly , I don 't even care . I 'm her best friend and she needs me here . " Hey , Haylie , " I said . " Are you ok ? " She started sobbing . I took her into my arms and held her tightly . " Sweetie , it 's going to be alright , " I told her , soothingly . " I know everything is going to be ok . " " How do you know ? " she sobbed . " it hurts so much . I can 't believe that he broke up with me . He told me that he loved me and that he wanted a future - a life with me . He wanted to be a family , he wanted a baby , he wanted to get married . " She was babbling , but I didn 't want to upset her even more . I just let her babble about the nonsense that Steve told her . Adam looked at me and held up the ice cream . " Honey , Adam brought ice cream , " I told her . " Your favorite ! Let 's go inside so we have our privacy , ok ? " She nodded . We went inside to the kitchen . I pulled out three bowls out of her cabinet . I managed to find three spoons and an ice cream scoop . Adam opened the ice cream container and I scooped a big bowl for Haylie . " Thanks guys , for coming here , " she said , sniffling . " I needed this . " She gave Adam and I a hug . " You know I love you , Haylie , " Adam said . " Any excuse for ice crePosted by " Are you kidding me ? " I asked him . I couldn 't believe it . He 's joking . He can 't be serious . Adam shook his head . " Steve dumped her after she had sex with him , " he said , sighing . Poor Haylie . I can imagine what she is going through . This is exactly like the Taylor situation . I pushed Taylor out of my mind , I don 't need to be thinking about all the creepy things he has been doing lately . " Do you think that we should go over there ? " I asked . " I know we should , but I mean , she probably hates me right now . I mean , I completely understand where she 's at right now , but she hates me . " " No , Court , she doesn 't hate you , " Adam said . " We should give her tonight to work it out . You know how she is . She uses violence on the first day . I rather her hit her pillow than have her hit me . She also told me that she didn 't want to see anyone tonight . She means it . " I know that girls are insanely complicated , but when Haylie says she doesn 't want to see anyone tonight , she means it . She 's not one of those girls who say one thing and mean the opposite . It 's really refreshing to be around someone like that . The only thing with complete honesty , is complete trust . Haylie trusts too easily . " I knew this was going to happen , " I said to myself . " I didn 't want it to happen , but I knew it would . " Adam held me in his arms . I had started to tear up . " I know , Court , " he said , reassuringly . " I tried to protect her , " I said . " I tried to get her to see that he wasn 't the one for her . That he was a bad guy who was after one thing . He wanted her virginity . I knew that . I tried to tell her , but she wouldn 't listen . " Adam sighed . I had started crying . " You can 't blame yourself , Courtney , " he said , softly . " It 's not your fault . Things happen for a reason , it 's just the way it 's supposed to be . " He handed me a box of tissues . " I just wish that she didn 't have to go through this , " I said . " She 's going to have a hard time trusting guys again . " Steve was Haylie 's first serious boyfriend . Well , however serious one could be after a couple of months . She must be heartbroPosted by Today was one of the most relaxing days that I 've had lately . I needed a break from everything that is going on in my life . I can 't deal with the fact that my best friend and I aren 't speaking . I can 't deal with the fact that Taylor has popped back into my life and I know something 's going to happen . Why else would he have left that cake on my doorstep ? All this drama is going to kill me one day . I wonder if it 'll ever get easier , maybe a life without drama ? A girl can hope , can 't she ? Well , what made today such a great day was that Brittany and I had found a stray kitty wandering around the neighborhood . It was so cute ! It didn 't have a collar on and no identification . We brought it in the house and gave it some milk and tuna . She gobbled up the tuna like there was no tomorrow . The poor thing was starving . She purred nonstop after we had given her her dinner . After checking her out , we figured out that it was a girl ! Usually , I don 't see strays running around Beachside . I figured that it was someone 's kitty that had gotten loose and ran off without knowing where her home was . I think she was too young to realize which house was her house . " I think we should put up posters to see if she belongs to anyone , Brit , " I said . " But she 's adorable ! " She protested . " Mom and Dad would let us keep her . " I looked at the grey kitty . She had cute little black stripes and her fur was so soft . I knew that our parents would let us keep her , but she belongs to someone . " Brit , how would you feel if our kitty ran away and someone found her but didn 't put posters up to find her owner ? " I asked her . I watched as the kitty curled up into a ball and closed her eyes . She really was adorable . " Fine , " she said , a little angry . She knew that I was right . I knew that she became automatically attached to the kitty and didn 't want to see her leave . We both had a soft spot for animals . We especially adore cats . We spent the next few hours getting taking pictures of the kitty ( if anything , we would have a little souvenir of the short time we had the kPosted by I have my laptop back ! It was the adaptor that wasn 't working . To the few that read my blog , I am back ! I really appriciate you taking some time out of your day just to read something that I wrote . Thank you so much ! : D I felt a little weird walking to school this morning . I felt as if there were eyes watching me whereever I went . I looked around nervously , looking around to see if there was anyone staring at me . There wasn 't . Still , I had felt someone 's stare on me . By the time I had gotten to school , I was a little creeped out . I didn 't know if it was all in my head or if there was someone actually following me . I decided that I was just being paranoid . I couldn 't help but watch the people around me as my day passed . Logan noticed that I was distressed when he was walking me home . " Babe , what 's wrong ? " He asked me , worried . I thought I had hid my paranoia well . I had tried to be discrete while I was looking around at my surroundings . " I feel like there 's someone watching me , " I told him . " I 've been feeling this since this morning . " " Do you think that it 's Taylor ? " he asked me with a hint of anger in his voice . " I don 't know , honey , " I said . " It 's definitely possible . " " If he comes near you again , I 'm going to kick his ass , " He said , angrily , He really hated Taylor right now . Our talk really opened our relationship up . He didn 't judge me for my past mistakes . He knows that I 'm a different person now . He lifted a big weight off of my shoulders . I thought he was going to overreact and start to freak out over it - a big sigh of relief on my part ! But that doesn 't make him hate Taylor any less . I kissed his cheek . " Ok , honey . " I told him . " Please don 't get into a fight , I don 't want anything to happen to you . " If Logan and Taylor got in a fistfight , I wouldn 't have any clue who would actually win . They 're both pretty much evenly matched . If it came down to fists , both of them would get seriously hurt and I don 't want that to happen to either of them . " But - " he started to say . I cut him off with a kiss . " No buts , " I said . " There 's never a need for violence , honey . " I suddenly felt someone 's stare . I froze up . The color drained from my face . It couldn 't have been a coincidence that I keep feeling someone 's stare on me . It happened when I was walkJayjay0jt Whoo hoo ! Just an update ! I figured out how to do postings from my itouch so if the parts do not come in 4 to 7 days , I can post the ones I have written here , so I think we definitely won 't run out of posts : ) Thank you for understanding and for providing feedback , it really makes my day ! : ) I hope you guys have a good one ! [ Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch ] Logan and I were in my room . We were supposed to be studying , but somehow , that turned into an all out make out session . I couldn 't help but get lost in his kisses . I always get lightheaded and woozy every time he puts his lips onto mine . Somewhere between the kisses , Logan had lost his shirt and his pants were unzipped . He had slipped his hands under my shirt and made his way up . I heard a noise out the window . I immediately jerked up . " Babe , what 's wrong ? " Logan asked , mildly confused . " I heard something out the window , " I said , getting up . I walked to my window and peeked outside . OMG . It was Taylor . " OMG . This is not happening . " " What is it , babe ? " Logan asked me . He walked over to the window and looked outside . " Who 's he ? " " Taylor , " I said . " Get dressed , honey , and meet me downstairs ? " He nodded and gave me a kiss . I walked downstairs as slowly as possible . I knew that if I rushed downstairs and let Taylor come in , he could do something to jeopardize my relationship with Logan . But , I knew that I had to deal with the problem now , rather than later . It 's best to do it now with Logan here with me . I opened the door and let Taylor in . " What are you doing here ? " I asked him . I noticed that he was carrying a dozen red roses . " I 'm here to ask you to forgive me , Court , " he said . " Please forgive me , I want to be with you . I love you with all my heart and all I want to do is to make you happy . I love your laugh . I love your smile . I love your sense of reality . I love everything about you . Will you please give me a second chance ? I will keep begging until you do . I love you . " Of course , Taylor said all of this when Logan was coming downstairs . Logan exploded . " Dude , who do you think you are ? " he demanded . " Why are you here harassing my girlfriend ? " " No , dude , she 's my girlfriend , " Taylor said , clenching his teeth . OMG . This isn 't happening . Please please please tell me that this isn 't happening . " Stop it ! Both of you ! " I yelled . They both were silent . " Whoa , " Taylor mumbled under his breath . " You ! " I pointed at Taylor . " I am done wPosted by My laptop died . : ( I brought it into Best Buy today and the Geek Squad ( what a horrible name to call them , they 're not geeks >.< ) representative told me that it had something to do with the adapter and not the battery . She was really nice and told me that I could order the part through best buy or HP . ( Yay for Best Buy and their good customer service ! ) I felt bad for her because the customer before me was complaining that her granddaughter 's phone had a defect and they had the phone for two months . She needed a new phone NOW , because they were going to Disneyland on Monday . I nicely told the woman that AT & T would send her a new phone ASAP ( 5 to 7 days ) and that she could manhandle the AT & T store representatives to give her a new phone . She stormed out of the store . Anyways , back to the topic at hand , I called their customer service number and ordered a new battery and a new adapter . The person who did the order for me told me that it will arrive approximately between 4 to 7 days ( but we all know how that goes ! ) . I 'm currently using the desktop , but the odds of me fighting my brother ( and winning ) for control of this lovely desktop is slim to none . I have some scheduled posts and I hope the parts come before the posts run out . I have posts going until the 14th . I hope you guys understand . I don 't want to be another blog writer who DOESN ' T post when they say they would . So I apologize , apologize , apologize a million times for this problem ! Thank you for reading this insanely long explaination and I wish you an awesome day ! : D I dropped Logan off at work before heading over to Adam 's house . He wasn 't expecting me , so I decided to ring the doorbell . I heard him mumbling through the door and saying something about it being too early in the morning . He finally decided to let me in . " Mmm , what do you want ? " he asked , groggily . " What a nice way to greet one of your best friends , " I said , rolling my eyes . " You 're the one who woke me up , " he grumbled . He liked to sleep in on the weekends . " Why are you mad at me ? " I asked him , bluntly . I decided to cut to the chase and not dance around the issue . He was acting really weird . I know that he loved to sleep in on the weekends , but he 's never been this rude to me about it . " What are you talking about ? " he asked me , acting surprised . " I 'm not mad at you . " I sighed . " Are you kidding me ? " I asked him , exasperated . " You 've been acting weird . " " No , I haven 't , " he quickly denied . I sighed . " This is me you 're talking to , Adam , " I said . " Talk to me . I feel like you haven 't been open to me lately and you can talk to me about anything . " He paced back and forth , running his hands through his hair . He looked like he was debating on whether or not he should tell me what was bothering him . Finally , after what seemed like forever , he let out a big sigh . I assumed that I had to brace myself for what was coming . " I 'm irritated that you 're spending so much time with Logan that you 're neglecting your friends , " he admitted . " I 'm irritated that you and Haylie are fighting and that Haylie wants to put me in the middle of it . The two of you are my best friends and I don 't feel comfortable with that . I think that you 're wrong to convince her not to live her life the way she wants . I think that you should let her make her own mistakes . I 'm tired of being the nice guy . " Wow . I can 't believe that Haylie was trying to put Adam in the middle . Or that Adam thinks that I 'm ditching him to hang out with Logan . I 'm really not surprised that Adam disagrees with me about the whole Steve thing . He loved Steve . " Well , Adam , " I started to say . I pPosted by Logan 's car got repossessed . I wasn 't there when it had happened . Brittany had given me a ride over to Logan 's house after school so we could study . When I had got there , I knocked on his door . He had opened it for me , but he was on the phone talking to someone . He motioned to me to go into his room and to wait . I heard bits and peaces of his conversation as I walked to his room . " Yeah , I see that , " I heard him say . " Is there anything I could do ? " I decided that it wasn 't polite to eavesdrop , even when it came to my boyfriend 's matters . I closed the door to his room and decided to open my book to study . I don 't remember how long I was sitting in his room studying before Logan came in . " I 'm sorry about that , babe , " he said . He kissed my forehead . " There 's some stuff going on in my family and my car got repossessed . " " What ? " I cried . " How ? What happened ? " " It seems that my dad has missed some payments , " he said , sighing . " It was so close to being paid off . I think . I can 't believe that it 's gone . " I gave him a hug . " I know that this is hard on you , " I said . " It will be ok though . " " My parents gave me that car for my 16th birthday and I was helping them pay it off , " he told me . " I loved it . Now , it 's going to be auctioned off to the highest bidder . " " Oh , baby , " I said , sadly . I rubbed his arm to comfort him . " We 're going to the auction on Monday to see if we can buy back the car , " he said . " So , I won 't be at school then . " " It 's ok , you need to get your car back , " I said . " I understand . " I would have offered to go with him , but we are in a new relationship . I thought that it would be weird . We still haven 't gotten around to talking about our ex - es and all that good stuff . I haven 't heard from Taylor since the Halloween costume incident . Logan still has no idea that something happened . I mean , I didn 't want to dump all of this on him right now , when our relationship is new . I don 't want to scare him off with all of the Taylor business . " I would ask you to come with me , " he said . " It 's just that I don 't want to drag you into this . Posted by Hi , everyone ! This blog is a fictional blog . The posting schedule is on Mondays , Wednesdays , and Thursdays . Fridays are Fast - Talking Fridays , a day where you guys can get to know me better . And ! ! On Tuesdays , there will be a weekly poll that 's just for fun ! I am 100 % committed to sticking to this schedule . I will let you guys know ASAP if something will conflict with the posting schedule . I apologize in advance if something comes up . Three rules to the blog : 1 ) Everyone is entitled to their own opinion . 2 ) NO personal attacks on other commenters . 3 ) Please express your complaints if you are not satisfied with the blog in any way shape or form . I would love to hear what I 'm doing right and what I 'm doing wrong . : ) If you don 't feel comfortable commenting in the comments area , you can email me at jayjay0jt @ yahoo . com . Thank you for taking the time out of your day just to read my blog . You have no idea how much I really appreciate it ! As always , have a muy bueno day ! : ) - J ' et I would really appreciate it if you could take a minute out of your busy schedules to sign this petition . Basically , it is a petition to stop countries from killing whales . The Whaleman Foundation is a really good cause that I strongly support and we 're short on signatures on the petition . Please and thank you ! |
Not that Daddy deliberately tried to teach me songs , but he was likely at any time to break into spontaneous song as I was growing up , and some of them couldn 't help but settle into my head . Oftentimes , especially if we were going someplace in the car , my mom would join in and sing along . In the interest of full disclosure , I should probably tell you that if he lost his temper , Daddy could break into a round of cussing just as spontaneously , although my mom didn 't join in at those times . I often sing to the baby , especially if I 'm rocking her to sleep . It 's amazing the old songs that come to mind when it 's just me and her ( and sometimes Cliff , in the background ) . Mostly old hymns nobody sings any more , but a little while ago " I 've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts " came to mind , and I sang what little I remember of it . I told Cliff , " That 's a song my dad sang when I was a little kid . I 'll bet it was popular then . " I did a Google search and learned at THIS LINK that it was a top - ten hit in 1949 ; I would have been five years old . Merv Griffin was the vocalist , which surprised me . I only know him as a daytime talk show host . My dad is the one I remember singing it . I learned in my searching that the song has been in several movies since then , but I only know it from Daddy singing it . I did an entry the other day about fruit trees from Stark Brothers . I stated that one thing I appreciate about Stark brothers is the way I can log into their website and see information about trees I 've ordered in the past , along with the care of those trees . After blogging that entry , I went to their website to go over my past orders and discovered that I had not paid enough attention to directions when I planted my trees in November of 2012 . I 've already mentioned that I pruned the plum tree improperly , but there is another thing about that tree I somehow failed to notice : It isn 't a dwarf variety , it 's a semi - dwarf . I spaced it with the other trees as though it were a dwarf , which means it 's more closely spaced than it should be . I 'm hoping all the trees can stand a little overcrowding , and they probably can . I was looking at some of my past orders while on my Stark Brothers account and saw this , a fairly safe fruit tree spray that I 've been using for over a year . I even spray my baby trees , just in case . After reading the specifics about this stuff , I learned that it can harm pear trees , especially dwarf varieties . Guess what ? Every time I 've gone past the three baby ( dwarf ) pear trees with the sprayer , I 've given them a good dose of this . They are just now starting to leaf out , and I am hoping no harm was done . I 'm just glad I happened to read the directions , finally ! Of course , when I bought the stuff , I didn 't have any pear trees , so maybe I did read directions but it wouldn 't have mattered at that time . Here 's a mystery : I have three dwarf apple trees : a Golden Delicious , a Fuji , and a Gala , all planted in 2010 . Last year the Gala and the Fuji bloomed at the same time . I know this because that freak snow came in May and killed most of the blossoms on both . I ended up with one lovely Fuji apple . This year , the Gala is taking longer to leaf out and has not a single bloom . Things that make you go " hmmm " . And what 's up with the Golden Delicious ? Why is it so slow ? Apples take anywhere from two to five years to bear , and obviously the Golden is pushing the limits and waiting until 2015 . Or maybe even 2016 , since they were planted in November and were dormant until the next spring . Can you imagine how many apples this tiny tree would provide if every single bloom became an apple ? Although , since it 's pollinators are slowpokes , who knows if I will get any fruit . The Crimson King maple is awake . The Golden Rain tree will soon be in the typical umbrella shape . After I planted this , I found out it 's considered to be an invasive species . The garden is actually starting to look like a garden . Strawberries are blooming ! My mother always hoped to have strawberries on her birthday , May 21 . Posted by I shared this picture on Facebook for " throw - back Thursday " . Cliff was building a pen for my hogs ( notice the hedge post on the ground beside him , and other posts in the background ) . This must have been one of those times when we were losing weight , because those overalls look really baggy on him . For my Facebook - challenged readers , every week a lot of us hunt up an old picture to share for TBT . It 's fun for me to search the archives of my computer and find something that might be of interest to others , especially relatives and real - life friends . The framed certificate holds a place of honor in Cliff 's shop , in a case that holds his model tractors and other memorabilia . ( Notice that I had the forethought to cover up his social security number with a piece of paper . ) In the late 80 's and early 90 's , Cliff sort of floated from one job to another after losing his excellent , good - paying job at R . B . Rice when they moved their facilities to Tennessee . He worked some construction , which you probably know is feast - or - famine . Hard winters and rainy weather mean low ( or no ) paychecks . Our next - door neighbor had a great job in Riverside , north of Kansas City . He had a friend working there who had a little " pull " , and asked her to recommend Cliff . The only glitch was that the place required a high school diploma or GED . Cliff had neither . I happened to see a notice in the local shopper about GED classes in nearby Lexington , pointed it out to Cliff , and we signed him up . At the first session he had to take a test to find out where he needed help the most , and just how much help he would need . The teacher looked at Cliff 's results and said , " You won 't be with us long . " Cliff 's biggest problem was math . He could barely do simple addition and subtraction . Early in our marriage I tried to explain " carrying " or " borrowing " numbers to him , but I might as well have been speaking a foreign language . The problem wasn 't with him , it was with my lack of teaching skills . After a few attempts , we both gave up in frustration . When he was gDonna Wood Hardly a morning goes by that I don 't stop and realize that each day is , indeed , one step closer to the grave . I try to remember , first thing out of bed , to thank God for another day , because I don 't have that many days left , although sometimes it takes two cups of coffee before I get around to thanking Him . I will be seventy in July . Wow , that sounds so old ! It seems even older when someone in his early - to - mid - seventies dies . A local man died yesterday , one who was a member of the church I attend . He was seventy - five . Maybe because he has children the age of mine , or maybe because I saw him and his wife at church on Sundays , but today I am truly reminded of my own mortality . When Cliff and I make plans to do things , we often talk about the possibility that we might not be around to fulfill those plans . These days when I 'm re - subscribing to one of Cliff 's antique tractor magazines , I seldom do it for more than two years ahead . It 's a roll of the dice whether we 'll be around . Some family members don 't like to hear me and my husband talking like this . Well , they can stick their heads in the sand if they want to , but I like facing reality . Cliff and I have no problem at all with these discussions . Yesterday we were discussing a topic that concerned what might happen to this property in ten years , and I said , " Cliff , do you realize how slim the chances are that we will both still be alive in ten years ? " " You 're right , " he said . " We 're on our way out . " And you , dear readers , may not know it , but so are you . You just don 't realize it until the end looms ahead and friends and relatives are dying around you with increasing frequency . When that happens , there is no way of denying it . Posted by The little princess ' mom was here tonight after work , feeding the horses . After awhile , she came to the house to get some warm water . " I 'm going to clean Huck 's sheath , " she said . I know what is involved in that process . Blue needed it done one time . I called a vet , who sedated him for the process . The whole thing scares me , just thinking about it , and Amber is only about five feet tall . But she said she 's done it before , and wasn 't about to pay a vet $ 100 to do it . " Have you ever been kicked while you were doing that ? " " Not yet . " She didn 't object to my taking pictures , so I took two . Would YOU put your hand up there ? Yuck ! Click HERE for an article explaining what Amber is feeling around for . After pulling all kinds of gunk out of that gelding 's junk , she finally found what she was looking for . The bean . " Got it , " she said . Pioneer woman , I challenge you to top this ! Here we have a real cowgirl . And I get to spend time with her baby girl three or four days a week . That 's how you will generally find me : barefoot . Although in winter , I usually wear Cliff 's cast - off socks to keep my feet warm in the house . As long as I can remember , I have only worn shoes when it 's absolutely necessary . I have short Muck boots and tall Muck boots , and in inclement weather I slip my bare or stockinged feet into those when I 'm going outside . I look at my baby pictures and see that I always had shoes on , but that 's most likely because I wasn 't big enough to remove them from my feet myself . I stepped on so many nails and so much broken glass as a kid that it has to be only the grace of God that kept me from dying of lockjaw , because I sure never went to the doctor for a tetanus shot . In fact , I never once had stitches as a kid . My mom would just bind a wound together with adhesive tape ( which she actually thought had healing powers ) , saying , " It 'll be OK , it bled good . " Keep in mind that until I was twelve years old , we didn 't have running water . There was always a bucket of water in the kitchen , though , and a wash pan to put some of that water in when a person needed to wash her hands or face . But as far as I recall , my mother never made me wash my feet before I went to bed . And believe me , my feet got plenty dirty . It was only when I spent a night with Grandma that I washed my feet at bedtime : she made a point of taking her shoes off , putting the wash pan with water in it on the floor of the back porch , and washing her feet . Then she would tell me it was my turn . It 's only in the last few years I 've realized that Grandma 's feet weren 't dirty . She wore shoes all the time . But my feet had been everywhere : out in the cow pasture , in the hen house , up and down the gravel road . Even these days , by the time we are a month into summer , the soles of my feet are stained black . The only time they look clean is when I walk through wet grass , which cleans feet better than any kind of soap and water . So looking back , Grandma was , in her subtle way , getting me to wash my feet without actually ordering me to Donna Wood There WILL be peaches this year , good Lord willing . The blossoms made it through the latest frost and freeze . I have two peach trees out by the road : This one is standard size , and the one nearer the road is a semi - dwarf . There 's also a dwarf peach tree back by the mobile home . When I 'm ordering fruit trees , I make sure to order trees that don 't bloom too early in the year , because I don 't want the late freezes to steal my fruit . I also try for varieties that produce at different times , so we have fresh fruit for a longer period . This is a two - in - one plum tree . When I received it , along with four other dwarf trees , I didn 't realize there were directions on that tag at the bottom . So I noticed it wasn 't trimmed right down to a single stick like the others and lopped off some little branches . THEN I found the directions and saw that I was not to prune above the white line painted on it . Thank goodness I did leave little stumps there where the two varieties of plums had been grafted on . This is the sweet cherry tree that died . . . mostly . I thought it was a total loss and emailed Stark brothers for a replacement . When I went out to cut it off at ground level , I saw there was life at the bottom . Of course , it wouldn 't be any good unless the new growth was coming from above the graft : Imagine my surprise when I cautiously felt below the shoot and found that it was , indeed , above the graft . It 's about six inches tall now , and obviously very much alive . I also have the replacement Stark sent me , up here near the old house . I can 't begin to tell you how happy I am with Stark Brothers . In all my years of dealing with them , this was the first replacement I 've had to request . Their trees are reasonably - priced , around $ 21 for most of them , I think . Oh , and here 's a nice perk : If you sign up for an account on their site , they keep a record of all the trees you 've bought from them : I can log on to my account and see what varieties I have . I can click on " view plant manual " and find out exactly the sort of care each tree needs . My two older peach trees aren 't listed because I had not set up an account at that time . In fact , I don 't think I had a computer back then . Peach and apricot trees can bear fruit in two years . Apple and pear trees take longer , as do plums . The trees arrive bare - root , either spring or fall . I really like the fall planting best . The weather has finally taken a turn toward spring . That means I 'm watching for daylight every morning and heading out the door as soon as it 's light enough for me to see buds and blossoms and new leaves growing . This morning I just couldn 't wait that long , so I took my best camera outside to see what it would do in the semi - darkness . Titan is still with us ( until Monday sometime ) , and the first thing he did was chase the boy cat , Jake , up a tree . As I walked away from the old house a bit , I happened to look back and see the moon , directly over it . Seemed like that would be a good picture . First of all , the slobbery dog , Titan . He 's doing fine , although not eating nearly as much as he does when his people are with him . The dog drinks gallons of water daily , especially when he is out and about as much as he has been today . When he 's with us , he goes on a walk with Cliff ; and on days when I 'm in the garden , he is outside with me a lot . Here 's the thing about him and his water : He does slobber . If he gets a drink and heads toward nearby people , they run , because they know they are going to get drenched . No big problem there . But you can 't give him a gallon of water ahead of time and expect him to drink it , because after he has drunk out of that batch of water once , you have to pour it out , rinse out his bowl , and give him fresh . He won 't drink his own slobbery water . Peculiar indeed . I wonder if this is a Great Dane trait , or if it 's unique with him . Now , for the garden . I 've had my potatoes cut up and ready for over a month . I usually like to plant some on St . Patrick 's Day and some on Good Friday , but it was so cold this year , I saved them all for today . They are in the ground . There is a flower bed on the north side of the trailer house where I like to plant impatiens , but after three years of putting them in the same spot , they got some sort of fungus . So we went to a nursery this afternoon where I bought some pansies for that semi - shaded spot . I bravely purchased four Jet Star tomato plants . Yes , it 's early , but I can easily cover four plants if a freeze is predicted . And the worst thing that can happen is I lose the two bucks I spent on the plants . The anticipation is worth far more than two dollars . The reason I have a fort around them is that robins will strip them of their leaves early in the year . For some reason , they don 't bother them if I have walls around the plants , even though they could reach down inside the walls and take the leaves . The milk carton forts also prevent the chickens from scratching too close to the plants and destroying them . Back to the pansies . I turn my chickens outI do enjoy watching them when I turn them loose . They seem so happy and free ! My favorite , Chickie , who was raised in my house for the first part of her life , was enjoying a nice dust bath until I started recording her . She called it quits and left , but not before the rooster crowed in the background . Posted by Even though she is eight months old and we 've been baby - sitting her off and on for about six months , we haven 't really taken to the roads with her except for a couple of really quick trips to Walmart . And she was asleep during those , so Cliff stayed in the car while I shopped . Today was the day our Social Security showed up in the checking account , so I told Cliff last night that we were going to do some shopping today . " With the baby here ? " he asked . You know how that whole thing went , from the previous entry . I had several stops we needed to make , but they were quick stops : A stop by the bank for cash , two or three things from Sam 's Club , a couple of items at Costco , and a few groceries at Walmart . Little Princess slept through the banking , but was awake at the next stop , Sam 's Club . Cliff said he 'd stay in the car with her . " No , " I told him . " She will love looking around at the people and things in there , and people will admire her and it will be great . " " But the germs . . . " he said . To which I answered , " Germs are everywhere . She 'll be fine . " Cliff was amazed at how content and happy the baby was , sitting in the cart and watching the world go by . She 's a good little shopper . By the time we were done with Sam 's and Costco , it was almost 11 o ' clock , time for Burger King to start serving lunch . And I just happened to have a ticket for a free Whopper . So I suggested we stop there . Cliff asked if we were going in , or picking it up at the drive - up window . " Going in , " I said . " They have high chairs and the baby can do more people - watching while we eat . " " The high chairs are nasty , " he grumbled . " Germs ! ! ! " Funny to me he never worried about our own kids dying from germs everyplace we went . Anyway , she did just fine once again , with old ladies smiling at her and asking her age . She was happy and smiling while we ate . When we do it again , though , I will make sure to have some of those baby snacks her mom buys her , so she can eat something while we 're eating . Last stop was Walmart , where the little shopper 's spirits neverShe didn 't get any French fries ( except that Cliff let her suck the salt off the ends of a couple of his ) or a Whopper . But she did enjoy Burger King . I mentioned to Cliff that , since tomorrow is the day his social security comes in , we might go do a little shopping . " But what about the baby ? " he asked . " We have a car seat . She 'll probably sleep most of the time . " " But what if we were to have a wreck ? " Here 's the thing : Over the weekend , there was a wreck in nearby Lexington . A ten - year - old fifth - grader from our local school died as a result . Cliff and I discussed at the time how awful it would be to be the driver in a wreck that killed somebody 's child . It makes a person think about the responsibility involved when you have someone else 's child in your care . But as I told my husband , we can 't just stop living our lives . We will likely have this child in our lives at least until she is two years old , maybe longer . Are we going to suspend our lives for four days a week while she is here ? Of course we could do our shopping on the three days that we aren 't babysitting , but I think we might miss out on some valuable experiences with the Little Princess if we just stay home . Think of the places that we could take a little girl , places she would enjoy ! There are merry - go - rounds to ride ! He agreed . So yes , we will both put on our big girl panties ( don 't tell Cliff I said that ) and venture out into the big world . One thing I have learned while living such a public Internet life is that people will judge you . I expect it , and it 's actually good for me , because it only reminds me not to judge others unless I have walked in their shoes . That 's enough about that . The oldest grandson and his fiance are off to Georgia for a few days , and I 'm in charge of their Great Dane , Titan . I 'm glad to watch him for the simple reason that they have been willing , many times , to take care of my dog , Iris , when we were on a road trip . Don 't get me wrong , I love Titan . But he is the messiest eater I 've ever met . Water all over in the area where he drinks , and food scattered all over where he eats . He can 't help it . It 's the jowls . I should have the Little Princess for two more days this week , and I will be sure and keep Titan away from her unless I 'm holding her . Not that he would deliberately hurt anybody , but he is so big that he could accidentally knock a child down . Actually , a couple of times he 's been playing with Iris and run into my legs , causing me a lot of knee pain . What does Iris think about him being here ? Titan is the only dog I know of that she loves . She plays with him constantly when he 's here . I 've decided it 's because she met him when he was still a puppy . Anyhow , she usually hates other dogs and has , in the past , tried to kill them . . . literally . She 's always happy to have Titan around . Titan and Iris today , playing with a stick Here 's Titan , in bed for the night . Here 's Iris at the same time , in her own bed . You can see how jealous she is that Titan has a blanket covering him ( because that 's what he 's used to at home ) and she doesn 't . I hope she is able to sleep tonight . Posted by Cliff loves Gene Watson . We see him all the time on Country 's Family Reunion . We loved him in the late 70 's and early 80 's . I found out Gene Watson was going to be performing in Chillicothe , Missouri , April 13th . When I told Cliff , he said , " Now THAT ' S one guy I would go see in person . " You know what comes next . I ordered the tickets . Today was the show , and it was not disappointing . Gene Watson is a few months older than I am , but he sounds the same as he did when he had all those hits . He put on a great show , telling stories about his songs and clowning around with his band . I had the best time ever . Before that , though , we went to church this morning , since the show didn 't start until 3 PM . Not everybody in our little town is doing great . One very special fellow who attends church with us had a valve replacement that didn 't go as well as it should have , and his condition is serious . In nearby Lexington , there was a wreck yesterday in which a ten - year - old fifth - grader from our local school was killed . I really loved watching Gene Watson sing his hits with my husband beside me , but I promise you that in the back of mind I was thinking , " A child died yesterday . " Wayne is in serious condition . " So while I was having a good time , there was a part of me that was sad and worried , and I prayed . Oh yes , and on the way to Chillicothe , thanks to my Ipad , I found out some nutcase decided to try and shoot some Jews , across the state line in Kansas . He killed three people . Only one of them , as it turns out , was actually a Jew . So there was that , and I prayed about that situation too . Folks , life isn 't all a bed of roses . We can 't just shut out the bad things and pretend they don 't exist . Enjoy every minute , but never forget that people are suffering . ( Got up this morning and saw on the news that NONE of the people killed were Jewish ) . We bought the blue Gold Wing back in 2006 , I think . I know it was before Cliff had the four - way bypass . It was my favorite . All the road trips and picnics and riding together on a motorcycle . . . it was new to me , and I always said it was the most " together " thing we did . Wow , so many memories . At some point he got to worrying about wrecking and killing me . Yes , that 's right , ME . He wasn 't worried about himself . Anyhow , he talked me into the idea of putting it up for sale , and we sold it . However , the first three - day weekend that came along , we heard motorcycles thundering past our house all day and we both got depressed . We realized we had been too hasty . We missed riding . I suggested that we buy an older Gold Wing and just ride it occasionally , close to home . That sounded like a safe enough option . Unfortunately , it wasn 't as comfortable a ride as the blue one we had sold . Still , we had something to ride , and it hadn 't been that big an investment . Then Cliff 's cousin bought a newer Honda Gold Wing , a white one ( Cliff 's favorite color for ANY vehicle ) and decided it didn 't suit him . We sold the old wine - colored bike that I called " Yesterday 's Wine " and bought the cousin 's Gold Wing . About a year ago , we decided we were truly ready to get out of riding . We 're both getting older , my knees hurt , and Cliff knew his reflexes weren 't what they used to be . We put the white motorcycle on Craigslist . Shortly thereafter , Cliff had a serious illness that put him in the hospital for over a week and kept him seriously disabled for a month or so afterwards . During the time when he was at his sickest , a buyer came for the Gold Wing . That was definitely the right time , because neither of us have had any regrets about selling that motorcycle . Today , as motorcycles roared past on 224 Highway ( a " scenic " byway for more reasons than one ) , I never felt any regret . I was happy for the bikers going past , knowing how much fun they were having . I said prayers for their safety and prayers of thanks for all the fun Cliff and I had together on our three motorcycles . It was a wonderfully perfect time of our lives , a time I will never forget or regret . Posted by One time back in the mid - to - late seventies or early - to - mid 80 's , I remember a hard freeze in the month of May . Our friends , Boyde and Dona , came out on a Sunday the day before my son 's birthday ( May 10 ) . . . I think . My green beans and tomato plants were up and growing . The temperature was in the 80 's , but there was a frost or freeze predicted to arrive that night . Boyde and Dona were gardeners too , and they simply shook their heads at my lovely tomato and bean plants , knowing I was sure to lose them . I refused to believe that we would have a hard freeze so late in the year , although I think I may have covered the green beans with straw , saving them . Next morning , sure enough , frost had hit my tomatoes . The plants don 't turn black until the sun hits them . I had heard somewhere that if you got out and hosed off the plants to wash off the frost before the sun came up , you could save your crop , so I got out the hose . When I began to spray the plants with water , icicles froze instantly on the poor plants and when the sun came up , they were dead as door - nails . Cliff says he remembers the hosing - off trick working for me at some point , but it didn 't work that year . I remember no other time I hosed off the plants , but he is probably right . That 's a problem as you grow older : There are so many things to remember than you have to discard some memories to make room for others . I was determined to find out in what year this famous hard freeze occurred , and found THIS SITE which tells record highs and lows for each month in the Kansas City area . The lowest low ever recorded in May is 34 degrees , which might have allowed for frost ( we are often cooler than Kansas City by a couple of degrees ) , but would not have made for a hard freeze . But what about my son 's birthday ? I remember it all so clearly ! As a matter of fact , there are no record lows in the month of May in any of the years the event could have happened . This is the sort of thing a person would argue about forever , fully believing that her memory could not be wrong . In the future I hope I realize that memory can never be counted on . I need to stay out of disagreements in which the sole proof of my side of the argument depends on my increasingly - faulty memory . Since the World Wide Web came into existence , lies and faulty memories are all too easily exposed . Until today , I thought that was a wonderful thing ! Posted by Here are the three dwarf apple trees I pruned last weekend . I never feel as though I am doing it right , but pruning wrong is better than no pruning . Two of these trees would have had a few apples on them if it hadn 't snowed on the blooms when they were fully opened up . I did get one HUGE Gala apple , which I shared with Cliff . Radishes I 've noticed something about the child I 've been babysitting , something I never noticed with my own babies , or any of my grandbabies . . . although now that I think back , maybe I do recall something about the oldest grandchild . I started reading " Say Moo " to the Little Princess before she was three months old . It was one of several books her mom brought over . I hesitated to read it to the baby , because that is the stupidest - looking cow I ever saw ; oh , and I had to make animal sounds all through the book . But she would sit there and watch as I turned pages , never once getting distracted while I read . As she grew older , she would pound on each page as I turned ( it 's one of those baby books with thick , stiff pages ) . Sometimes she would lift the book to her mouth and taste a page , and I let her do that . Now when I read it , she makes comments . I don 't know what she is saying , but they sound like positive comments . Now , I really enjoy this one because it REQUIRES me to hug and kiss the baby as I read it . These days she seems to like it almost as much as " Say Moo " , although if you hold them both in front of her and let her choose , she will always choose " Say Moo " . She has a couple of favorite songs , too . And they are the first ones I sang to her : " Amazing Grace " and " Shortnin ' Bread " . The latter , however , is her top favorite . I used to lay her on my lap and clap her hands together as I sang it , bouncing her on my knees . Is there perhaps something about first songs , and first books , that comforts a child ? Maybe so , because I still remember how I loved my Little Golden Book of Mother Goose rhymes . And I remember how my oldest grandson loved Amazing Grace . His mother got frustrated when he was small because he would beg her to sing it : she is no singer and she didn 't know the words anyway , so Arick wasn 't a happy camper . Maybe even children like to reminisce about the " good old days " . A couple of weeks ago , our oldest grandson contacted my daughter : He told her he intended to propose to Heather , his girl friend of five years , and wanted pictures of the event . It was to be a surprise . How could they pull this off ? My daughter works at a lab that processes pictures for professional photographers . One of her co - workers does a great job of taking pictures . So Rachel told the grandson that she would contact Heather and tell her that her co - worker was doing a project that involved taking pictures of couples out - of - doors . " But when I tell Heather about this , " my daughter told him , " you have to absolutely refuse to have your picture taken until the last minute . That way she won 't suspect . " Arick and Heather were here last night , and Heather asked if Cliff and I were also helping with the couples project , since it was to be held on our place . I was at a loss for words ( because I knew what was really going to happen ) , but I said , " I 'll message Rachel on Facebook and ask her if we are supposed to do it . " Rachel and I decided that Cliff and I would play along . So this morning , everybody was here . As you can see , Cliff and I weren 't dressed up : He 's wearing his John Deere shirt , I 'm wearing my Old Settler 's Reunion shirt . We all headed back to the pasture , and Rachel said , " OK , who 's going to be first ? " Somebody said it should be Cliff and me . So the big smiles on our faces tells you that it was all a farce , a trick to fool Heather so she would be surprised . We knew what was coming , and we didn 't really care what we looked like . I think it 's one of my favorite pictures of the two of us . Cliff and I think she might have had an inkling of what was going on , but maybe not . Either way , it was a fun day . Posted by Sometimes I forget , though . We often go across the river to Richmond to shop at Walmart and Orschelns . On the way there , on a hill on the right side of highway 13 just before you get to Richmond , is a group of structures that looks like some sort of business . Every time we passed it , Cliff would say , " That has to be some kind of factory . I wonder what they manufacture ? " I agreed with him , and did a little wondering myself . So a couple of days ago I took a picture of the place with my Ipad and shared it on Facebook , asking local folks if any of them knew what the place was all about . One friend answered that he assumed it was a farmstead . Another guy , a trucker , said he had delivered some loads there but didn 't know what they did . Today I got smart , went to Google maps , and located the place . The name is right there . Now , I went to the website and I still can 't tell you exactly what they make , but I know more than I did yesterday . That 's good enough for me . Posted by Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
Not that Daddy deliberately tried to teach me songs , but he was likely at any time to break into spontaneous song as I was growing up , and some of them couldn 't help but settle into my head . Oftentimes , especially if we were going someplace in the car , my mom would join in and sing along . In the interest of full disclosure , I should probably tell you that if he lost his temper , Daddy could break into a round of cussing just as spontaneously , although my mom didn 't join in at those times . I often sing to the baby , especially if I 'm rocking her to sleep . It 's amazing the old songs that come to mind when it 's just me and her ( and sometimes Cliff , in the background ) . Mostly old hymns nobody sings any more , but a little while ago " I 've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts " came to mind , and I sang what little I remember of it . I told Cliff , " That 's a song my dad sang when I was a little kid . I 'll bet it was popular then . " I did a Google search and learned at THIS LINK that it was a top - ten hit in 1949 ; I would have been five years old . Merv Griffin was the vocalist , which surprised me . I only know him as a daytime talk show host . My dad is the one I remember singing it . I learned in my searching that the song has been in several movies since then , but I only know it from Daddy singing it . I did an entry the other day about fruit trees from Stark Brothers . I stated that one thing I appreciate about Stark brothers is the way I can log into their website and see information about trees I 've ordered in the past , along with the care of those trees . After blogging that entry , I went to their website to go over my past orders and discovered that I had not paid enough attention to directions when I planted my trees in November of 2012 . I 've already mentioned that I pruned the plum tree improperly , but there is another thing about that tree I somehow failed to notice : It isn 't a dwarf variety , it 's a semi - dwarf . I spaced it with the other trees as though it were a dwarf , which means it 's more closely spaced than it should be . I 'm hoping all the trees can stand a little overcrowding , and they probably can . I was looking at some of my past orders while on my Stark Brothers account and saw this , a fairly safe fruit tree spray that I 've been using for over a year . I even spray my baby trees , just in case . After reading the specifics about this stuff , I learned that it can harm pear trees , especially dwarf varieties . Guess what ? Every time I 've gone past the three baby ( dwarf ) pear trees with the sprayer , I 've given them a good dose of this . They are just now starting to leaf out , and I am hoping no harm was done . I 'm just glad I happened to read the directions , finally ! Of course , when I bought the stuff , I didn 't have any pear trees , so maybe I did read directions but it wouldn 't have mattered at that time . Here 's a mystery : I have three dwarf apple trees : a Golden Delicious , a Fuji , and a Gala , all planted in 2010 . Last year the Gala and the Fuji bloomed at the same time . I know this because that freak snow came in May and killed most of the blossoms on both . I ended up with one lovely Fuji apple . This year , the Gala is taking longer to leaf out and has not a single bloom . Things that make you go " hmmm " . And what 's up with the Golden Delicious ? Why is it so slow ? Apples take anywhere from two to five years to bear , and obviously the Golden is pushing the limits and waiting until 2015 . Or maybe even 2016 , since they were planted in November and were dormant until the next spring . Can you imagine how many apples this tiny tree would provide if every single bloom became an apple ? Although , since it 's pollinators are slowpokes , who knows if I will get any fruit . The Crimson King maple is awake . The Golden Rain tree will soon be in the typical umbrella shape . After I planted this , I found out it 's considered to be an invasive species . The garden is actually starting to look like a garden . Strawberries are blooming ! My mother always hoped to have strawberries on her birthday , May 21 . Posted by I shared this picture on Facebook for " throw - back Thursday " . Cliff was building a pen for my hogs ( notice the hedge post on the ground beside him , and other posts in the background ) . This must have been one of those times when we were losing weight , because those overalls look really baggy on him . For my Facebook - challenged readers , every week a lot of us hunt up an old picture to share for TBT . It 's fun for me to search the archives of my computer and find something that might be of interest to others , especially relatives and real - life friends . The framed certificate holds a place of honor in Cliff 's shop , in a case that holds his model tractors and other memorabilia . ( Notice that I had the forethought to cover up his social security number with a piece of paper . ) In the late 80 's and early 90 's , Cliff sort of floated from one job to another after losing his excellent , good - paying job at R . B . Rice when they moved their facilities to Tennessee . He worked some construction , which you probably know is feast - or - famine . Hard winters and rainy weather mean low ( or no ) paychecks . Our next - door neighbor had a great job in Riverside , north of Kansas City . He had a friend working there who had a little " pull " , and asked her to recommend Cliff . The only glitch was that the place required a high school diploma or GED . Cliff had neither . I happened to see a notice in the local shopper about GED classes in nearby Lexington , pointed it out to Cliff , and we signed him up . At the first session he had to take a test to find out where he needed help the most , and just how much help he would need . The teacher looked at Cliff 's results and said , " You won 't be with us long . " Cliff 's biggest problem was math . He could barely do simple addition and subtraction . Early in our marriage I tried to explain " carrying " or " borrowing " numbers to him , but I might as well have been speaking a foreign language . The problem wasn 't with him , it was with my lack of teaching skills . After a few attempts , we both gave up in frustration . When he was gDonna Wood Hardly a morning goes by that I don 't stop and realize that each day is , indeed , one step closer to the grave . I try to remember , first thing out of bed , to thank God for another day , because I don 't have that many days left , although sometimes it takes two cups of coffee before I get around to thanking Him . I will be seventy in July . Wow , that sounds so old ! It seems even older when someone in his early - to - mid - seventies dies . A local man died yesterday , one who was a member of the church I attend . He was seventy - five . Maybe because he has children the age of mine , or maybe because I saw him and his wife at church on Sundays , but today I am truly reminded of my own mortality . When Cliff and I make plans to do things , we often talk about the possibility that we might not be around to fulfill those plans . These days when I 'm re - subscribing to one of Cliff 's antique tractor magazines , I seldom do it for more than two years ahead . It 's a roll of the dice whether we 'll be around . Some family members don 't like to hear me and my husband talking like this . Well , they can stick their heads in the sand if they want to , but I like facing reality . Cliff and I have no problem at all with these discussions . Yesterday we were discussing a topic that concerned what might happen to this property in ten years , and I said , " Cliff , do you realize how slim the chances are that we will both still be alive in ten years ? " " You 're right , " he said . " We 're on our way out . " And you , dear readers , may not know it , but so are you . You just don 't realize it until the end looms ahead and friends and relatives are dying around you with increasing frequency . When that happens , there is no way of denying it . Posted by The little princess ' mom was here tonight after work , feeding the horses . After awhile , she came to the house to get some warm water . " I 'm going to clean Huck 's sheath , " she said . I know what is involved in that process . Blue needed it done one time . I called a vet , who sedated him for the process . The whole thing scares me , just thinking about it , and Amber is only about five feet tall . But she said she 's done it before , and wasn 't about to pay a vet $ 100 to do it . " Have you ever been kicked while you were doing that ? " " Not yet . " She didn 't object to my taking pictures , so I took two . Would YOU put your hand up there ? Yuck ! Click HERE for an article explaining what Amber is feeling around for . After pulling all kinds of gunk out of that gelding 's junk , she finally found what she was looking for . The bean . " Got it , " she said . Pioneer woman , I challenge you to top this ! Here we have a real cowgirl . And I get to spend time with her baby girl three or four days a week . That 's how you will generally find me : barefoot . Although in winter , I usually wear Cliff 's cast - off socks to keep my feet warm in the house . As long as I can remember , I have only worn shoes when it 's absolutely necessary . I have short Muck boots and tall Muck boots , and in inclement weather I slip my bare or stockinged feet into those when I 'm going outside . I look at my baby pictures and see that I always had shoes on , but that 's most likely because I wasn 't big enough to remove them from my feet myself . I stepped on so many nails and so much broken glass as a kid that it has to be only the grace of God that kept me from dying of lockjaw , because I sure never went to the doctor for a tetanus shot . In fact , I never once had stitches as a kid . My mom would just bind a wound together with adhesive tape ( which she actually thought had healing powers ) , saying , " It 'll be OK , it bled good . " Keep in mind that until I was twelve years old , we didn 't have running water . There was always a bucket of water in the kitchen , though , and a wash pan to put some of that water in when a person needed to wash her hands or face . But as far as I recall , my mother never made me wash my feet before I went to bed . And believe me , my feet got plenty dirty . It was only when I spent a night with Grandma that I washed my feet at bedtime : she made a point of taking her shoes off , putting the wash pan with water in it on the floor of the back porch , and washing her feet . Then she would tell me it was my turn . It 's only in the last few years I 've realized that Grandma 's feet weren 't dirty . She wore shoes all the time . But my feet had been everywhere : out in the cow pasture , in the hen house , up and down the gravel road . Even these days , by the time we are a month into summer , the soles of my feet are stained black . The only time they look clean is when I walk through wet grass , which cleans feet better than any kind of soap and water . So looking back , Grandma was , in her subtle way , getting me to wash my feet without actually ordering me to Donna Wood There WILL be peaches this year , good Lord willing . The blossoms made it through the latest frost and freeze . I have two peach trees out by the road : This one is standard size , and the one nearer the road is a semi - dwarf . There 's also a dwarf peach tree back by the mobile home . When I 'm ordering fruit trees , I make sure to order trees that don 't bloom too early in the year , because I don 't want the late freezes to steal my fruit . I also try for varieties that produce at different times , so we have fresh fruit for a longer period . This is a two - in - one plum tree . When I received it , along with four other dwarf trees , I didn 't realize there were directions on that tag at the bottom . So I noticed it wasn 't trimmed right down to a single stick like the others and lopped off some little branches . THEN I found the directions and saw that I was not to prune above the white line painted on it . Thank goodness I did leave little stumps there where the two varieties of plums had been grafted on . This is the sweet cherry tree that died . . . mostly . I thought it was a total loss and emailed Stark brothers for a replacement . When I went out to cut it off at ground level , I saw there was life at the bottom . Of course , it wouldn 't be any good unless the new growth was coming from above the graft : Imagine my surprise when I cautiously felt below the shoot and found that it was , indeed , above the graft . It 's about six inches tall now , and obviously very much alive . I also have the replacement Stark sent me , up here near the old house . I can 't begin to tell you how happy I am with Stark Brothers . In all my years of dealing with them , this was the first replacement I 've had to request . Their trees are reasonably - priced , around $ 21 for most of them , I think . Oh , and here 's a nice perk : If you sign up for an account on their site , they keep a record of all the trees you 've bought from them : I can log on to my account and see what varieties I have . I can click on " view plant manual " and find out exactly the sort of care each tree needs . My two older peach trees aren 't listed because I had not set up an account at that time . In fact , I don 't think I had a computer back then . Peach and apricot trees can bear fruit in two years . Apple and pear trees take longer , as do plums . The trees arrive bare - root , either spring or fall . I really like the fall planting best . The weather has finally taken a turn toward spring . That means I 'm watching for daylight every morning and heading out the door as soon as it 's light enough for me to see buds and blossoms and new leaves growing . This morning I just couldn 't wait that long , so I took my best camera outside to see what it would do in the semi - darkness . Titan is still with us ( until Monday sometime ) , and the first thing he did was chase the boy cat , Jake , up a tree . As I walked away from the old house a bit , I happened to look back and see the moon , directly over it . Seemed like that would be a good picture . First of all , the slobbery dog , Titan . He 's doing fine , although not eating nearly as much as he does when his people are with him . The dog drinks gallons of water daily , especially when he is out and about as much as he has been today . When he 's with us , he goes on a walk with Cliff ; and on days when I 'm in the garden , he is outside with me a lot . Here 's the thing about him and his water : He does slobber . If he gets a drink and heads toward nearby people , they run , because they know they are going to get drenched . No big problem there . But you can 't give him a gallon of water ahead of time and expect him to drink it , because after he has drunk out of that batch of water once , you have to pour it out , rinse out his bowl , and give him fresh . He won 't drink his own slobbery water . Peculiar indeed . I wonder if this is a Great Dane trait , or if it 's unique with him . Now , for the garden . I 've had my potatoes cut up and ready for over a month . I usually like to plant some on St . Patrick 's Day and some on Good Friday , but it was so cold this year , I saved them all for today . They are in the ground . There is a flower bed on the north side of the trailer house where I like to plant impatiens , but after three years of putting them in the same spot , they got some sort of fungus . So we went to a nursery this afternoon where I bought some pansies for that semi - shaded spot . I bravely purchased four Jet Star tomato plants . Yes , it 's early , but I can easily cover four plants if a freeze is predicted . And the worst thing that can happen is I lose the two bucks I spent on the plants . The anticipation is worth far more than two dollars . The reason I have a fort around them is that robins will strip them of their leaves early in the year . For some reason , they don 't bother them if I have walls around the plants , even though they could reach down inside the walls and take the leaves . The milk carton forts also prevent the chickens from scratching too close to the plants and destroying them . Back to the pansies . I turn my chickens outI do enjoy watching them when I turn them loose . They seem so happy and free ! My favorite , Chickie , who was raised in my house for the first part of her life , was enjoying a nice dust bath until I started recording her . She called it quits and left , but not before the rooster crowed in the background . Posted by Even though she is eight months old and we 've been baby - sitting her off and on for about six months , we haven 't really taken to the roads with her except for a couple of really quick trips to Walmart . And she was asleep during those , so Cliff stayed in the car while I shopped . Today was the day our Social Security showed up in the checking account , so I told Cliff last night that we were going to do some shopping today . " With the baby here ? " he asked . You know how that whole thing went , from the previous entry . I had several stops we needed to make , but they were quick stops : A stop by the bank for cash , two or three things from Sam 's Club , a couple of items at Costco , and a few groceries at Walmart . Little Princess slept through the banking , but was awake at the next stop , Sam 's Club . Cliff said he 'd stay in the car with her . " No , " I told him . " She will love looking around at the people and things in there , and people will admire her and it will be great . " " But the germs . . . " he said . To which I answered , " Germs are everywhere . She 'll be fine . " Cliff was amazed at how content and happy the baby was , sitting in the cart and watching the world go by . She 's a good little shopper . By the time we were done with Sam 's and Costco , it was almost 11 o ' clock , time for Burger King to start serving lunch . And I just happened to have a ticket for a free Whopper . So I suggested we stop there . Cliff asked if we were going in , or picking it up at the drive - up window . " Going in , " I said . " They have high chairs and the baby can do more people - watching while we eat . " " The high chairs are nasty , " he grumbled . " Germs ! ! ! " Funny to me he never worried about our own kids dying from germs everyplace we went . Anyway , she did just fine once again , with old ladies smiling at her and asking her age . She was happy and smiling while we ate . When we do it again , though , I will make sure to have some of those baby snacks her mom buys her , so she can eat something while we 're eating . Last stop was Walmart , where the little shopper 's spirits neverShe didn 't get any French fries ( except that Cliff let her suck the salt off the ends of a couple of his ) or a Whopper . But she did enjoy Burger King . I mentioned to Cliff that , since tomorrow is the day his social security comes in , we might go do a little shopping . " But what about the baby ? " he asked . " We have a car seat . She 'll probably sleep most of the time . " " But what if we were to have a wreck ? " Here 's the thing : Over the weekend , there was a wreck in nearby Lexington . A ten - year - old fifth - grader from our local school died as a result . Cliff and I discussed at the time how awful it would be to be the driver in a wreck that killed somebody 's child . It makes a person think about the responsibility involved when you have someone else 's child in your care . But as I told my husband , we can 't just stop living our lives . We will likely have this child in our lives at least until she is two years old , maybe longer . Are we going to suspend our lives for four days a week while she is here ? Of course we could do our shopping on the three days that we aren 't babysitting , but I think we might miss out on some valuable experiences with the Little Princess if we just stay home . Think of the places that we could take a little girl , places she would enjoy ! There are merry - go - rounds to ride ! He agreed . So yes , we will both put on our big girl panties ( don 't tell Cliff I said that ) and venture out into the big world . One thing I have learned while living such a public Internet life is that people will judge you . I expect it , and it 's actually good for me , because it only reminds me not to judge others unless I have walked in their shoes . That 's enough about that . The oldest grandson and his fiance are off to Georgia for a few days , and I 'm in charge of their Great Dane , Titan . I 'm glad to watch him for the simple reason that they have been willing , many times , to take care of my dog , Iris , when we were on a road trip . Don 't get me wrong , I love Titan . But he is the messiest eater I 've ever met . Water all over in the area where he drinks , and food scattered all over where he eats . He can 't help it . It 's the jowls . I should have the Little Princess for two more days this week , and I will be sure and keep Titan away from her unless I 'm holding her . Not that he would deliberately hurt anybody , but he is so big that he could accidentally knock a child down . Actually , a couple of times he 's been playing with Iris and run into my legs , causing me a lot of knee pain . What does Iris think about him being here ? Titan is the only dog I know of that she loves . She plays with him constantly when he 's here . I 've decided it 's because she met him when he was still a puppy . Anyhow , she usually hates other dogs and has , in the past , tried to kill them . . . literally . She 's always happy to have Titan around . Titan and Iris today , playing with a stick Here 's Titan , in bed for the night . Here 's Iris at the same time , in her own bed . You can see how jealous she is that Titan has a blanket covering him ( because that 's what he 's used to at home ) and she doesn 't . I hope she is able to sleep tonight . Posted by Cliff loves Gene Watson . We see him all the time on Country 's Family Reunion . We loved him in the late 70 's and early 80 's . I found out Gene Watson was going to be performing in Chillicothe , Missouri , April 13th . When I told Cliff , he said , " Now THAT ' S one guy I would go see in person . " You know what comes next . I ordered the tickets . Today was the show , and it was not disappointing . Gene Watson is a few months older than I am , but he sounds the same as he did when he had all those hits . He put on a great show , telling stories about his songs and clowning around with his band . I had the best time ever . Before that , though , we went to church this morning , since the show didn 't start until 3 PM . Not everybody in our little town is doing great . One very special fellow who attends church with us had a valve replacement that didn 't go as well as it should have , and his condition is serious . In nearby Lexington , there was a wreck yesterday in which a ten - year - old fifth - grader from our local school was killed . I really loved watching Gene Watson sing his hits with my husband beside me , but I promise you that in the back of mind I was thinking , " A child died yesterday . " Wayne is in serious condition . " So while I was having a good time , there was a part of me that was sad and worried , and I prayed . Oh yes , and on the way to Chillicothe , thanks to my Ipad , I found out some nutcase decided to try and shoot some Jews , across the state line in Kansas . He killed three people . Only one of them , as it turns out , was actually a Jew . So there was that , and I prayed about that situation too . Folks , life isn 't all a bed of roses . We can 't just shut out the bad things and pretend they don 't exist . Enjoy every minute , but never forget that people are suffering . ( Got up this morning and saw on the news that NONE of the people killed were Jewish ) . We bought the blue Gold Wing back in 2006 , I think . I know it was before Cliff had the four - way bypass . It was my favorite . All the road trips and picnics and riding together on a motorcycle . . . it was new to me , and I always said it was the most " together " thing we did . Wow , so many memories . At some point he got to worrying about wrecking and killing me . Yes , that 's right , ME . He wasn 't worried about himself . Anyhow , he talked me into the idea of putting it up for sale , and we sold it . However , the first three - day weekend that came along , we heard motorcycles thundering past our house all day and we both got depressed . We realized we had been too hasty . We missed riding . I suggested that we buy an older Gold Wing and just ride it occasionally , close to home . That sounded like a safe enough option . Unfortunately , it wasn 't as comfortable a ride as the blue one we had sold . Still , we had something to ride , and it hadn 't been that big an investment . Then Cliff 's cousin bought a newer Honda Gold Wing , a white one ( Cliff 's favorite color for ANY vehicle ) and decided it didn 't suit him . We sold the old wine - colored bike that I called " Yesterday 's Wine " and bought the cousin 's Gold Wing . About a year ago , we decided we were truly ready to get out of riding . We 're both getting older , my knees hurt , and Cliff knew his reflexes weren 't what they used to be . We put the white motorcycle on Craigslist . Shortly thereafter , Cliff had a serious illness that put him in the hospital for over a week and kept him seriously disabled for a month or so afterwards . During the time when he was at his sickest , a buyer came for the Gold Wing . That was definitely the right time , because neither of us have had any regrets about selling that motorcycle . Today , as motorcycles roared past on 224 Highway ( a " scenic " byway for more reasons than one ) , I never felt any regret . I was happy for the bikers going past , knowing how much fun they were having . I said prayers for their safety and prayers of thanks for all the fun Cliff and I had together on our three motorcycles . It was a wonderfully perfect time of our lives , a time I will never forget or regret . Posted by One time back in the mid - to - late seventies or early - to - mid 80 's , I remember a hard freeze in the month of May . Our friends , Boyde and Dona , came out on a Sunday the day before my son 's birthday ( May 10 ) . . . I think . My green beans and tomato plants were up and growing . The temperature was in the 80 's , but there was a frost or freeze predicted to arrive that night . Boyde and Dona were gardeners too , and they simply shook their heads at my lovely tomato and bean plants , knowing I was sure to lose them . I refused to believe that we would have a hard freeze so late in the year , although I think I may have covered the green beans with straw , saving them . Next morning , sure enough , frost had hit my tomatoes . The plants don 't turn black until the sun hits them . I had heard somewhere that if you got out and hosed off the plants to wash off the frost before the sun came up , you could save your crop , so I got out the hose . When I began to spray the plants with water , icicles froze instantly on the poor plants and when the sun came up , they were dead as door - nails . Cliff says he remembers the hosing - off trick working for me at some point , but it didn 't work that year . I remember no other time I hosed off the plants , but he is probably right . That 's a problem as you grow older : There are so many things to remember than you have to discard some memories to make room for others . I was determined to find out in what year this famous hard freeze occurred , and found THIS SITE which tells record highs and lows for each month in the Kansas City area . The lowest low ever recorded in May is 34 degrees , which might have allowed for frost ( we are often cooler than Kansas City by a couple of degrees ) , but would not have made for a hard freeze . But what about my son 's birthday ? I remember it all so clearly ! As a matter of fact , there are no record lows in the month of May in any of the years the event could have happened . This is the sort of thing a person would argue about forever , fully believing that her memory could not be wrong . In the future I hope I realize that memory can never be counted on . I need to stay out of disagreements in which the sole proof of my side of the argument depends on my increasingly - faulty memory . Since the World Wide Web came into existence , lies and faulty memories are all too easily exposed . Until today , I thought that was a wonderful thing ! Posted by Here are the three dwarf apple trees I pruned last weekend . I never feel as though I am doing it right , but pruning wrong is better than no pruning . Two of these trees would have had a few apples on them if it hadn 't snowed on the blooms when they were fully opened up . I did get one HUGE Gala apple , which I shared with Cliff . Radishes I 've noticed something about the child I 've been babysitting , something I never noticed with my own babies , or any of my grandbabies . . . although now that I think back , maybe I do recall something about the oldest grandchild . I started reading " Say Moo " to the Little Princess before she was three months old . It was one of several books her mom brought over . I hesitated to read it to the baby , because that is the stupidest - looking cow I ever saw ; oh , and I had to make animal sounds all through the book . But she would sit there and watch as I turned pages , never once getting distracted while I read . As she grew older , she would pound on each page as I turned ( it 's one of those baby books with thick , stiff pages ) . Sometimes she would lift the book to her mouth and taste a page , and I let her do that . Now when I read it , she makes comments . I don 't know what she is saying , but they sound like positive comments . Now , I really enjoy this one because it REQUIRES me to hug and kiss the baby as I read it . These days she seems to like it almost as much as " Say Moo " , although if you hold them both in front of her and let her choose , she will always choose " Say Moo " . She has a couple of favorite songs , too . And they are the first ones I sang to her : " Amazing Grace " and " Shortnin ' Bread " . The latter , however , is her top favorite . I used to lay her on my lap and clap her hands together as I sang it , bouncing her on my knees . Is there perhaps something about first songs , and first books , that comforts a child ? Maybe so , because I still remember how I loved my Little Golden Book of Mother Goose rhymes . And I remember how my oldest grandson loved Amazing Grace . His mother got frustrated when he was small because he would beg her to sing it : she is no singer and she didn 't know the words anyway , so Arick wasn 't a happy camper . Maybe even children like to reminisce about the " good old days " . A couple of weeks ago , our oldest grandson contacted my daughter : He told her he intended to propose to Heather , his girl friend of five years , and wanted pictures of the event . It was to be a surprise . How could they pull this off ? My daughter works at a lab that processes pictures for professional photographers . One of her co - workers does a great job of taking pictures . So Rachel told the grandson that she would contact Heather and tell her that her co - worker was doing a project that involved taking pictures of couples out - of - doors . " But when I tell Heather about this , " my daughter told him , " you have to absolutely refuse to have your picture taken until the last minute . That way she won 't suspect . " Arick and Heather were here last night , and Heather asked if Cliff and I were also helping with the couples project , since it was to be held on our place . I was at a loss for words ( because I knew what was really going to happen ) , but I said , " I 'll message Rachel on Facebook and ask her if we are supposed to do it . " Rachel and I decided that Cliff and I would play along . So this morning , everybody was here . As you can see , Cliff and I weren 't dressed up : He 's wearing his John Deere shirt , I 'm wearing my Old Settler 's Reunion shirt . We all headed back to the pasture , and Rachel said , " OK , who 's going to be first ? " Somebody said it should be Cliff and me . So the big smiles on our faces tells you that it was all a farce , a trick to fool Heather so she would be surprised . We knew what was coming , and we didn 't really care what we looked like . I think it 's one of my favorite pictures of the two of us . Cliff and I think she might have had an inkling of what was going on , but maybe not . Either way , it was a fun day . Posted by Sometimes I forget , though . We often go across the river to Richmond to shop at Walmart and Orschelns . On the way there , on a hill on the right side of highway 13 just before you get to Richmond , is a group of structures that looks like some sort of business . Every time we passed it , Cliff would say , " That has to be some kind of factory . I wonder what they manufacture ? " I agreed with him , and did a little wondering myself . So a couple of days ago I took a picture of the place with my Ipad and shared it on Facebook , asking local folks if any of them knew what the place was all about . One friend answered that he assumed it was a farmstead . Another guy , a trucker , said he had delivered some loads there but didn 't know what they did . Today I got smart , went to Google maps , and located the place . The name is right there . Now , I went to the website and I still can 't tell you exactly what they make , but I know more than I did yesterday . That 's good enough for me . Posted by Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
Marissa took Jack to work with her this morning at the YMCA , so I slept late . I 've been waking up earlier during the week now , so it was nice to sleep in , even though it was noisy enough outside that I didn 't get too much real sleep . Marissa called to wake me up about 10 : 15 and I drove down to the Y to pick up Jack . He hadn 't eaten too much that morning , so we stopped at McDonald 's and got him a Happy Meal and then headed for the library . Jack was pretty excited and kept saying " Me get new books ! " He knows how to drive to the library from our house , so when we came in from a different direction he was a little worried about it . He cheered up pretty quick when he saw the building though . Once we got there we went directly to the kid 's department . First Jack wanted to put some puzzles together and we did about three of those . Then we picked out about three books and checked them out and headed back to the car . I was feeling like getting some exercise , so we then drove to the Greenway at the dam . We walked about half a mile down the river then turned back around and walked down toward the dam to watch some people fishing . All four of the floodgates were open today , so it was pretty noisy down there . Jack was very interested in the fishing , even though no one seemed to be catching anything . Every time someone would cast he would yell out " Cool ! " or " Awesome ! " I 'm going to have to get some fishing gear soon and take him back out there . Now we 're waiting on Mommy to get home and we 're going over to Uncle Paul 's house to watch Alabama play LSU . " Jack , what 's the elephant say ? " " Roll Tide ! " My Mom 's dachshund Prissie Sue died this morning . She was 15 or 16 years old and had been in poor health lately . She was a chocolate miniature dachshund that my step - father Ray bought a year or two after he married my Mom . I remember when they brought her home for the first time . I was living at home again after a few years in college , and the first few nights she slept in the bed with me . She was so small that she fit in the palm of my hand , and a lot of times she 'd end up rolling off the mattress and sleeping in a loop of the sheet that was hanging off the bed . She also had a crooked tail and was the runt of the litter , so they got her for a bargain . She loved to howl along with anyone that would start it for her . Back then we also had three outside dogs in the carport , and usually if I got her started howling the chows out there would all start howling along as well . Prissie was also the alpha dog . The chows would all roll over when she came out because she was always aggressive with them . Prissie was dachshund # 4 in my life . The first two were Lady and Heidi , who were full size dachshunds that my parents bought before I was born . Heidi was actually Lady 's puppy . The third one was Turkey , who was old when we got him after someone dumped him out on our road . Our Annie dog in Nashville is # 5 . I loved them all and Prissie Sue will definitely be missed . I woke up really tired this morning . My sinuses were all stuffed up , despite taking Claratin for a week now . It was dark , rainy , and was a great day to just roll back under the covers and sleep . After I got back from taking Victoria to school , I made Jack his milk and went upstairs to open his door . Usually , I open it a crack then hide in the guest bedroom or the bathroom to wait for him to come running out with his blanket . This morning , nothing . I waited a few minutes then went in to check on him . He was stirring around a little , but definitely didn 't want to get out of bed . I rubbed his back while he tossed and turned for a few minutes but finally he sat up and gave me his usual " Hey Daddy " and pulled his pacy out to give me a kiss . I was still thinking about calling in to work and going back to bed , but seeing my boy made me feel a lot better , and since they 've been laying off people at work lately I figured I might as well go in . The hot shower cleared up most of my sinuses and I got Jack dressed as well after we read the Froggy Goes To School book first . Finally , on the drive to work , just outside our subdivision , I saw the wild turkey herd that lives around the area . There were about 50 of them grouped together this morning , and I got to sit on the road for several minutes enjoying the sight while they all ambled across it in front of my car . At that point , not even the reports on NPR that the stock market was going down rapidly put much of a dent in my good mood . My father - in - law David has been working full time for the Obama campaign in Nashville for the last few months . We kept asking if he had ever met him and he had not until the debate came to town . Here they are shaking hands . Personally , I 'm pretty discouraged about the elections this year . Everyone seems to think Obama is going to change things , but I think he 's just a career politician like McCain and is unlikely to make any bold decisions that will need to be made . McCain is just too old and desperate to be President . He 's saying and doing whatever he thinks will get him votes . Both candidates have made horrible decisions for VP running mates , although McCain picking Palin has to be one of the worst decisions ever . In the end , I 'm voting against Republicans this election . I 've always been a Libertarian , so I 've leaned towards the Republican party , but they 've pretty much betrayed everything they stand for in the last 8 years . They have no fiscal responsibility , no moral responsibility , no courage , no heart , no clue . This is actually true of both parties , but McCain is the poster boy for a party that 's fallen the farthest lately . I smoked for the last time 8 years ago today . It was in the parking deck of Cat Financial in Nashville . Having watched my wife 's uncle die of lung cancer and her grandfather die of complications from emphysema this year , I 'm hoping I quit in time to avoid too much damage . I smoked for 14 years , having quit for a year twice in that time period . I know Paul Clemmons and his Big Tobacco cronies are gnashing their teeth at this news , but they 're just going to have to back off . It 's been a long two weeks , but I 'm finally doing 10k days again . Back on about the 17th or 18th , I started getting really stuffed up and I could tell my sinuses were filling up . I still walked 15k steps on the 18th , but the next day at work I was feeling bad . I had a meeting with my manager about 2 : 30 that afternoon and I told her I was probably going home early cause I was completely out of gas at that point . I got home about 5pm that day , and went to bed by 6 . I basically stayed in bed for the next 3 days , and I had a fever that didn 't break until Friday morning . I still felt bad the rest of the weekend , and the past week I haven 't gotten a lot of sleep because I couldn 't stop coughing . By the way , the new Nyquil without the pseudoephedrine is really not very effective . I want to thank all of the drugged out rednecks out there for ruining what was one of the best medicines for me getting over a cold . Today I didn 't wake up until 11 , so I slept about 12 hours , but I think I just needed to catch up . I 've still got some excess nasal drainage , but it 's not filling up my lungs anymore and I 'm barely coughing at all now . I decided I 'd try to hit 10k today , so I cut the grass early this afternoon just before the game , then sat down at 7pm to watch Bama play Clemson . What a great game ! I was on such a high after the first half that I walked a mile during halftime . By the end of the game I was charged up enough to go out and do another two miles to put me up over 10k for the day . The funny thing is , I didn 't gain any weight during all this . I actually lost 4 pounds ! I 'm at 296 pounds now , which puts me down 19 lbs since June 17 . Now I 'm just going to keep piling up the days of 10k steps in a row and watch the pounds keep coming off . Another bonus is the 11 days of not walking very much has let my ankles and heel rest up , so they 're not bothering me at all tonight after the walk . I did miss my monthly caving trip to Hardins this past Wednesday though , which I heard turned out to be a good one . So I was out doing one more lap around the neighborhood tonight , since it 's only 67 degrees out right now and just perfect to get out and exercise . I was on the back street of the neighborhood , heading back to the house , when I saw something small running down the middle of the street directly towards me . At first I thought it was a dead leaf blowing along , but as it got closer I could tell it was some type of animal . I assumed it was a rat until it got about 30 feet away from me and I could tell it was a really small rabbit . It ran right past me about 3 feet away , then hung a right at the cul - de - sac and went about 20 more feet before it stopped , right in the middle of the pavement . I walked over to it , and it scrunched itself up really tight , including pulling its ears in . I could tell it was really young , since it was trying to hide from me instead of just tearing ass down the street like a more experienced adult would do . I put my feet around it and bent down to grab it , but I wasn 't quite quick enough and as soon as my hand touched its back it shot off down the street again and ran down the side of a house . I kept going , wondering what would make such a young rabbit panic like that and run away from the nest . A few houses later I had my answer when I saw a rather large opossum sniffing around in a yard near where I first saw the bunny . I didn 't try to catch the opossum , but when it saw me it had enough sense to run away . Earlier in the evening I caught a frog on our back deck sliding door and showed it to Jack . He thought it was really cool , but he didn 't want to hold it . We 've been seeing them sitting on the sliding door for several weeks now . It 's getting to be like a jungle out there . Yesterday was our sixth wedding anniversary . Tempus Fugit was never a truer statement . We celebrated by going out to lunch after church at Sakura , which is Marissa and Jack 's favorite restaurant . I have a kid that loves broccoli ! How cool is that ? When we walked in , Victoria was already there with her Dad and new step - mother , along with several other members of the Dowdy family . It 's her favorite restaurant also . Then it was home for a nap , then back to church for a reception for our pastor leaving after 22 years . Then we went over to Opry Mills for a while and I got about 2 . 5 miles of walking around while Victoria and Jackson shopped and Marissa read a magazine . Opry Mills is a great place to get some walking in since it 's a circular mall and a lot of it is carpeted and of course it 's air - conditioned also . On the way home we stopped by for a romantic dinner at McDonald 's off the dollar menu . That 's good living right there , I tell ya ! So earlier in the afternoon , Marissa wanted a couple of holes drilled into a board for a craft project . I showed her how to do it , but the battery on the drill was really low so we let it charge for a while . A few hours later she comes into the room where I 'm reading and shows me the drill bit , shown here with no modifications having been made to it after that point . I 'm not sure I know how this happened or even want to know . Of course , it 's turned into my fault since I 'm obviously " not enough of a handyman . " Heh . After I got back to the campground from Overlooked Cave , I put my helmet outside of the tent , leaving it there overnight . Unfortunately , it rained pretty heavily that night while I was asleep , so the Apex got completely soaked again and was back to having the same problems it was having the day before . Everyone was planning on going to Custard Hollow Cave that morning , so I didn 't have time to get it all dried out again before we left on the trip . Fortunately , fellow caver Alan Cook from Birmingham had an extra cheap led light that he let me borrow . I put it on the helmet , thanked him profusely , and climbed into the back of the waiting pickup truck . Custard Hollow is only a few miles from Sinking Cove , but it 's on some fairly rough dirt roads , so like true Alabama rednecks we loaded up 30 people in three pickup trucks and headed down the road . It was a pretty wild ride , and dodging the limbs was the primary concern . Truck # 3 Full of Alabama Redneck CaversWe all got to the parking area with only minor lacerations , and everyone unloaded and got geared up . We took a group photo , then we all headed up the mostly dry stream bed to get to the entrance . After a very short walk we came to the first of three entrances to the cave , which are all pretty close together . Half of us went in the first entrance while the other half went to the second . All the entrances come into the same entry room , which is mostly scalloped canyon with a good bit of water flowing through it . Group Shot Before Entering Custard Hollow CaveThere was some crawling soon after this room , and the first place you 're really required to get wet . This cave has a lot of water in it , mostly in waist deep pools . The water is cold , and the first time you dip your boys into it is not so pleasant , but after a while everything from the waist down just goes numb and you deal with it . There were a few spots that required some crawling and a bit of bent - over duck walking , but most of the cave was big booming borehole that goes on for miles and gets bigger as you go dePosted by For the first time since I started using a pedometer about 3 years ago , I 've managed to walk more than 10k steps a day for seven straight days . Over the last 7 days , I 've put 79 , 254 steps on it , which is over 36 miles and averages 11 . 3k per day . I 've actually walked enough to lose weight without doing the low carb diet , and pretty much eating like I normally would other than not going to buffets . I 'm going to try to push it out to 8 or 9 straight days this week , although I may rest up some for my caving trip this Wednesday night . The best day this week was when Jack and I went to the Greenway yesterday afternoon . It was really hot , and I burned through almost 2 liters of water , but we walked a little over 4 miles . Here 's a picture of Jack on one of the bridges . Yesterday afternoon , Marissa , Jack , and I were upstairs together for a while , watching Barney or working on the computer or playing with Jack . Marissa had removed his diaper and we were letting him air out some before we put a new one on . At one point , Jack was over near the banister and we were not really paying much attention to him . I heard him say something like " pee pee Mommy 's chair " , but I didn 't think anything of it at the time since there was no chair anywhere around . After a few more minutes , we put a new diaper on him and I went downstairs . As I was walking by the leather chair in the living room , I noticed it had liquid all over it . Suddenly the pieces all came together . Apparently he had managed to pee through the balusters and only got the chair wet . Since I found it , I had to wipe it up , but at least with the leather it didn 't soak in . Way back in 2001 , during the 4th of July weekend , I went caving for the first time at Sinking Cove Cave in Franklin County , TN during the Birmingham Grotto 's annual camp - out . I had a great time , and it eventually led to it being one of my major hobbies . I 've been wanting to go back for a while now , so this year my Nashville caving buddy James Wood and I decided to crash the weekend and get some caving done . James is also from Birmingham , and his brother and other friends were going to be there , so we both knew plenty of people . James ' brother Daniel and some others had a vertical trip planned to Guys Cave on Friday morning , so we left out about 7 : 30 to get there in time . After a quick stop for gas and a few Hardee 's biscuits , we hit the road and headed down past Sewanee to get to Sinking Cove . It 's in Tennessee , but you can 't get there from here . You have to drive down into Alabama and then back up into Tennessee . We got to the campground about 10 : 30 , and the Wood brothers and their friends left for their vertical trip . I got my tent setup and all my gear unpacked , and then sat down to work on my main light . I had sprayed my Apex off the night before with the garden hose along with my other gear , and now it was refusing to turn on . I disassembled it and let it sit in the sun for a few hours while I talked to some of the people still in the camp . Jason Wall from the Birmingham Grotto was there to cook for the weekend , and I helped prepare about 100 pieces of chicken that he put in the smoker . He had a spicy Cajun marinade that I don 't remember the name of , and he put about two chickens in big zip lock bags along with a can of beer and let them sit for a few hours before he put them on . They turned out awesome . I think one of the reasons so many people show up for the weekend is just the food that Jason turns out . I talked to Hazard Bryant for a while , and we started talking about a cave he found a few years ago that he named Overlooked Cave . He called it that because people had basically been going by it for years anPosted by Ever since I started caving a few years back , everyone has mentioned Indian Grave Point ( IGP ) cave to me . I was starting to feel like I was the only person in Tennessee who caves who had not been there yet . As a matter of fact , I was sitting at Paul 's house Saturday night watching fights , and we started talking about caving . One of Paul 's friends immediately asked me , " so have you been to IGP yet ? " I told him I was leaving at 8am the next morning to go . He told me about going there 40 years ago with the Nashville Grotto . So we all met up at the McDonald 's off Hwy 109 at 8am , and headed out about 8 : 30 or so after waiting for a few stragglers . There were 12 of us total on the trip . We got to the parking area near the cave a little less than an hour later . The landowners of the cave are very friendly . The cave is located in a cow pasture on the side of a very steep hill . You park on the side of the road next to a creek and then go over the fence on a climb - over that 's been installed to avoid damaging the fence . Then you 're staring up a hill that you 've got to go up about 250 feet at about a 50 degree angle . The view of the surrounding valley from up there is great . It was early enough that you could still see some mist moving around on the hills . Once you get up there , you 're at the entrance sinkhole . You slide / climb down about 8 feet , with a nylon rope being there to help out . The entrance sink hole is fairly large , with a good bit of water dripping down and moss growing on a lot of the rocks at the bottom . At the back of the sink , you head down into the cave through what at first is a low crawl . It opens up fairly quickly into what I was told was some old saltpeter works . There 's a small stream channel twisting through the mud and the ceiling gets low a few times before you get to another short crawl which opens up into the first good - sized room , which has a small dome at the top . On the right side of this room , there 's a huge chunk of rock that at some point in the past broke in half , leaving a crack that you can craPosted by In what 's sure to bring a tear to the eyes of Jefferson and Wilfred , I " brokeback " under 300 pounds today . Today 's D . B . A . N . was 298 . 7 , for a total of 16 pounds lost in the last 10 days . With the exception of a family reunion incident last Saturday , I 've been very good about keeping my portion size down , along with keeping the carb count low . I 've also been doing a lot of walking . So far in June I 've gone over 10k steps on 7 different days , including every day this week . I should be able to bring that up to at least twenty 10k + days in July . Yesterday after work I hit the Stones River Greenway for 3 miles , since Marissa and the kids weren 't at home . The dam trailhead is on the way home from work , so it 's not too hard to stop and even do 20 minutes worth and it 's not nearly as boring as walking through the neighborhood . There 's also a nice little blackberry patch that has been ripening this week , so I treat myself to a few of those on the way in and out . One of the key things that helps me make sure I get at least 10k steps in a day is to get as many as I can before I get home every day . If I still need six thousand steps at night , it 's harder to motivate myself to get out and hit the sidewalk than it is if I only need four thousand . Getting about two thousand steps at lunch is a good way to make sure I get home with at least 5k . It 's been getting hot and humid at lunch time lately , so yesterday I drove two miles and walked all around the K - Mart for about 20 minutes . I would drive to Opry Mills , but that 's about a 10 mile round trip and there 's no need to waste that much gas . We got back late Monday afternoon from our trip to Florida . I 'm not going to try to write it all up in a coherent story , since I 'm on Day 2 of Low Carbs and my brain is not working so well right now . I 'm just going to throw it all out there in a series of musings in what is hopefully approximate chronological order . 1 . Atlanta is hot . 2 . Atlanta traffic still sucks . I - 85 at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon and it 's still wall to wall cars . 3 . The Westin hotel in downtown Atlanta is still missing a lot of windows from the tornado back in March . It 's sort of creepy to see that . I didn 't see any other signs of tornado damage on the way through . 4 . Buckhead has some really large buildings now that weren 't there the last time I was in the area . 5 . Atlanta had the most expensive gasoline I saw on the trip . The highest was $ 4 . 09 , but fortunately I didn 't have to pay that . The most I paid was $ 3 . 98 at the Florida / Alabama state line , so I still haven 't had to buy gas for over four bucks yet in my life . I 'm sure that 's only a matter of time , however . 6 . I played Wii for the first time at my friend Dave 's house . It 's pretty cool . We 're going to consider getting one for Christmas . Wii Bowling and Mario Kart were both a lot of fun . 7 . I had intended to do a lot of walking on the beach that week , but I ended up mostly sitting on the deck drinking beer with Uncle Gene . 8 . My Uncle Johnny and his nephew caught a 7 foot Hammerhead shark while we were there off the pier . Pretty impressive looking . They cooked it up the next day and it wasn 't too bad . I 'd probably still rather just look at them swimming though . 9 . I finished two books out of the four I took with me . 10 . I failed to find good fried oysters in my two attempts . They tasted ok , but they were smaller than the tip of my thumb . I tried a few raw oysters that were much better . 11 . Dobb 's BBQ in Dothan was just terrible . I paid 12 bucks for a platter and it had two small scoops of pork and beef BBQ , along with 3 tiny ribs that had gristle all over them . Marissa got a BBQ sandwich that only cPosted by I did another 10 , 000 steps yesterday to make it two days in a row . I actually did a little over 10 . 7k steps . It nearly wiped me out though . I went out last night about 9 : 30 still needing to do about 3500 more steps . I wobbled back into the house about 45 minutes later , walking past Marissa who was sitting on the couch . " I think I may have overdone it , " I told her as I headed to the kitchen to take some Aleve . I laid down a few minutes later and I was out like a light for the rest of the night . Fortunately I got to sleep a little later since Victoria is out of school for the summer . I feel pretty good today , although my legs are still a little sore . I made myself walk at lunch today , even though it 's way too hot . It 's just so much easier to hit 10k in a day if you make it home from work and don 't still have to do like 7 , 000 steps that night . Plus there 's a nice hill at work which is much better for getting the heart rate up and getting me ready for more caving and hiking . I have a goal in mind of doing the Ranger Falls hike again this fall over in the Savage Gulf area . It 's been almost 7 years since Kevin and I made that death hike out of that valley and I 've got an itch to see it again . For the first time in a while , I finally put 10k + steps on the pedometer yesterday . It took me about two weeks to work up to it again . I 'm not currently dieting , since there 's no point in starting one just before I go on vacation for a week , but I 'm planning on keeping the walking up while I 'm down on the beach . The diet will wait until after I get back . Of course I waited until it got hot outside to start all of this . It was still 81 degrees last night when I started my long nightly walk , but at least there was a decent breeze . It looks like it 's going to be cooler next week at the beach than it is here in Nashville . I didn 't really care for it that much . I thought the actors playing Heff and Wilfred were not very realistic . They couldn 't really pull off the squirrel 's butt on the back of Heff 's head . I guess modern SFX technology is not really up to that level yet . Ah , Memorial Day weekend . Traditionally the start of summer , although we have almost a month until the solstice . The smell of BBQ and Blog Wars are in the air . I 'll be anxiously awaiting the prosaic responses as they start rolling in from places further north and south of here . In other news , Marissa , Jack and I have spent a wonderful weekend together . Yesterday we went to the zoo , and despite the crowds we had a lot of fun . We 're working on Jack learning all of his colors right now , so the zoo is a great place to do that . He still tends to call everything blue or purple right now , but he 's getting better every week . This afternoon we went to my friend Hal and Lisa 's house for a cookout with a lot of my caving friends . Hal 's last name is Love , and yes he has a PhD in Biology , so we get to call him Dr . Love . How awesome is that ? It 's almost as good at the guy named Dr . Strange that we met last year when Jack was getting tubes put in his ears . Well , let 's see . . . . American Idol is done with - and I have no idea who won since I am also not henpecked and I also don 't burn brain cells on useless reality shows or puttering around a rundown piece of crap hotel on the crap side of a major American city wishing one of the pimps outside would finally bust a cap in my ass and put an end to it all . No sir ! Also , there 's nothing like getting up in the morning knowing you still have all of your hair . This can 't be stressed enough . I like to just stand in front of the mirror and admire my lack of a bald spot , often for minutes at a time . Even better , I can walk out of my home without having to instinctively move in an erratic pattern to avoid the gunfire from the various gangs fighting over their turf . You know that part of the lawnmower that gets really hot ? You know , the part that has a big symbol of a hand that is crossed out ? Yeah , that one . It 's not a good idea to put your palm up against it . Trust me on this one . Jack and I hit the greenway twice over the weekend . On Saturday we parked at Two Rivers Park and walked across the Cumberland River on the new greenway bridge to Shelby Bottoms Park that just opened a few weeks ago . It 's a nice bridge . It 's really high over the river , probably 200 or 300 feet maybe . It 's hard for me to judge . It was high enough that I had a little bit of acrophobia when we first started across it . According to my new Omron pedometer , we did a little over 3 miles total . It 's about half a mile from the parking area to the other side of the bridge , and then we went about another mile before we turned around . Jack rode in the stroller for most of it , but he got out and walked for probably a half mile total . For some reason he prefers to walk on the grass at the edge of the pavement , although he will take off running down the middle of the greenway for several minutes at a time . On Sunday after church and lunch , Marissa and Victoria wanted to shop for clothes so Jack and I did about a mile on the Stones River Greenway next to Kohl 's in Hermitage . We didn 't have the stroller , so he walked some of it and rode on my shoulders for some of it . The river was running pretty fast , and at one point we saw a mallard duck sailing down the middle of the river , moving at a pretty good clip . He tried to swim upstream at one point , but didn 't make any progress at it and eventually just took off and flew up the river , much to Jack 's delight . Since I got a replacement pedometer last week , I 've been trying to walk a lot more , but I 'm having some real issues with tendonitis in my right Achilles tendon . I 'm supposed to go to a specialist about it , but I probably won 't be able to until after our Florida trip in June . Unofficially , I have a goal of trying to read 52 books this year , so I 'll be averaging one per week . I 've also turned into a total cheapskate , so I 've only actually purchased one book so far this year , and that was this past week when I ordered a new pedometer from Amazon and needed to add a few dollars to my order to get free shipping . Every other book has either been the free PDFs that Tor books is sending out this year if you sign up for their newsletter , or from the library . I 've also been reading several books over a span of weeks and months any time I need to kill a few minutes in the bookstore or even at Kroger . Yes , I know this is horribly cheap , but I do actually purchase a cup of coffee almost every time I 'm in there , so I 'm not completely ripping them off . I don 't actually mean to do this most of the time , but I read pretty quickly , so just starting a book to see if I like it can mean I read 20 or 30 pages of it . So far I 've finished 16 books , which puts me a little behind the pace I need to be since we 're in the 19th week of the year so far . Since I 'm usually reading several books at once , I 'm not too far off though , and should be able to catch up fairly easily , especially since a week at the beach is coming up in June . Ah , thong season approaches , eh Bill ? My brother Brian turned 35 today . Hard to believe . I was five when he was born , and I still remember my Granddaddy and MawMaw Strother taking me up to Brookwood Hospital to try to sneak me up to see him . Back then they didn 't let five year olds visit the maternity wards . Of course , I was mostly disappointed since I had made my Mother 's OB / GYN promise me for months that I was going to have a little sister . I used to grab the doctor 's hand and refuse to let go of it until he promised . Obviously this was before ultrasounds were common place as well . Ok , I 'm a comic book geek . I don 't buy comics anymore , but when I was a kid I read Marvel comics constantly . One of my favorites was Iron Man and the Avengers , though I tended to lean more towards Captain America and Thor in those days . I was pretty happy with the first Spiderman and X - Men movies , but then they got pretty far off kilter and the last two showings from those two franchises were pretty disappointing . So I was worried about how they would do with Iron Man , and when I first heard they had picked Robert Downey Jr . to play Tony Stark , I thought they had ruined it right off the bat . I guess I was picturing him from his brat pack days though . I still don 't think of myself being middle - aged , and so I guess I can 't picture Downey being middle - aged either . As it turns out , I was completely wrong . He was the perfect choice to play Stark . The movie was just about perfect as well . My only quibble was the huge hole in his chest where his implant goes . The implant itself is something I would have been fine with if they had just left it out completely . There 's nothing wrong with retconning something if it really just doesn 't make much sense . Still , that 's a very minor thing . I have to say that this is the best movie I 've ever seen that 's based on a comic book character . I 'm sure some of the Batman fanboys will disagree with me , but I was never a huge fan of DC books anyway . Now I am still really worried about how they 're going to pull off the upcoming Thor movie . I was a huge fan of this comic , especially in the days when Walt Simonson was writing it . What I 'm really worried about is if the CGI is up to making someone look like Thor should look like . I guess time will tell . Well , the rebate check from the IRS came in Friday morning , just in time for us to drop about $ 500 to get brakes put on both cars . The Civic was down to metal on metal on the front left , and needed pads on all 4 brakes , so the new rotor and pads and labor were $ 260 at Budget Brakes . A few hours earlier , the Montero was in the same shop and needed a new rotor and pads on the back brakes , plus they don 't make cheap pads for it , so it was $ 235 . The rest is going for our vacation in Florida next month . I think it 's going to cost us at least $ 250 to $ 300 just to pay for the gasoline going down there and back . Speaking of gas , the price actually started going down a little around here the last few days . I was actually grateful to only pay $ 3 . 38 a gallon today when I filled up Marissa 's car . I still remember being pissed when it took $ 25 . 00 to fill the Montero up a few years ago . Now I 'm just glad it 's back under fifty bucks at least for a little while . We went back to Hardins Cave this past Wednesday night for our monthly grotto trip . We recruited people from the Earth Day Festival in Nashville last weekend , and we had 4 or 5 people show up because of that . We had 17 people on the trip , and several of them were first time cavers , including a 5 year old and 7 year old that did pretty well . I 've lost about 10 lbs since last month when I went , plus I 've been exercising more , so this time it was easier for me . We went back to the rope climb - up and then turned around , which is our usual route . Not a bad trip and everyone seemed to have fun . I let my diet and exercise get away from me since October , and I put on about 25 lbs since then . After three days of gastrointestinal debauchery in Tuscaloosa this past weekend , which included 3 trips to City Cafe on Friday , it was time to get back into gear . I did discover a new combination at City Cafe that was great though . I 've always loved their chicken livers , and at the suggestion of my old friend Michael Bolden , I also tried the candy yams to go along with them . Wow . Definitely a great combination . My pedometer is out of commission , so until I can order a new one I 'm just making myself walk a certain number of strides per day . Tuesday and Wednesday I hit the small walking trail near work , which is just shy of a 1 / 4 mile per lap . I did one lap on Tuesday and two laps on Wednesday . Yesterday it was pretty nice outside , so when I got home I loaded up Jackson and his stroller in the car and made the short drive the Stones River Greenway , at the dam entrance . Jack had a really good time , and we did a little over 1 . 5 miles , and it pretty much wore me out . It sure doesn 't take long to get out of shape . I 'm also having some pain on the back of my heel , which is likely the tendon being too tight . It was really bad last week , but I 've been stretching it , putting ice on it , and taking Alleve , so it 's down to being a minor annoyance at this point . So I had a pretty good birthday yesterday . My friends at work took me out to my favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch . Then when I got home I loaded up the wife , the girl , and the boy and we headed for the local Thai restaurant . Marissa had mentioned this a few weeks ago and I was all for it . Of course , starting the day before , she started whining about it and offering up different suggestions . I think this was after she looked at the menu online . So as we were driving there , I kept going on and on about how good it was going to be to eat a lot of good spicy Thai food , and then I drove past it and went to Panera . I love Thai food , but I won 't torture my family for it . After dinner we walked over to the pet store and let Jack look at the animals . He got pretty excited about the tank full of clown fish . Can you tell what movie he 's been watching a lot lately ? I kept looking for Heff to show up for dinner , but I guess Nashville is just too far to drive for someone you 've known for oh , 28 years now ? Here 's one more Mojo Nixon tune , just cause I feel like it . They got me . People were giggling when they saw me when I walked in the building this morning , so I knew something was up . There was also German chocolate cake waiting as well , so I guess I have to forgive them . When I woke up this morning , Marissa and Jack had a chicken biscuit with a candle in it for me . As I go into the last 8 hours of my life of being a pre - old fart , I 'm going to celebrate what little rebelliousness remains with me . Let 's take a trip to Mojo World . Turn it up . We had our first trip to the Emergency Room with Jackson late yesterday afternoon . He was playing down in his sister 's room when he sat down on a glass vase and cut his legs up . He had two small cuts on his left thigh , and two cuts on his right calf muscle . Three of the cuts were pretty minor , but one on the calf had carved up a small chunk of muscle , and kept oozing blood even after we put pressure on it for a while . I wasn 't sure if a clinic would do stitches , so we went ahead and took him to the ER at Summit . Fortunately , they weren 't very busy and took him back pretty quickly and the doctor looked at it about 10 minutes after we got there . He decided that the cut would need some stitches plus they wanted to take a X - ray to make sure there was no glass in it . The X - ray was not fun , since we had a hard time making him hold his leg still enough to take three shots . Then the nurse came in and put something on a cotton ball and taped it over the wound to deaden the area . After about 15 minutes , the doctor came in with an EMT that was helping out that day to do the stitches . It turns out the cotton ball was just to lightly deaden the area so the doctor could inject more stuff to really deaden it up . Marissa was holding Jack 's chest , I was holding his thighs , and the EMT was holding his feet . This part was just terrible . When the doctor stuck the needle in Jack started screaming at the top of his lungs and bucking all over the place . His face turned beet red and he kept saying " Daddy are ! Daddy are ! Daddy are ! " Jack was crying , Marissa was crying , I was crying , and the EMT didn 't look very happy either . The doctor , who looked to be in his late 50 's , was completely unconcerned and put the three stitches in very quickly . On the way home , we got Jack ice cream and potato chips , so he cheered up pretty quickly . We also got him some band - aids with the characters from Cars on it , so he was pretty happy about that and made Marissa put a few extra ones on him . Marissa and I were nervous wrecks the rest of the evening , and I doPosted by Ok , no one had a clue what the image was from last week , so here 's the original picture in all it 's glory . Maybe you can tell where I cropped the image from now . Are those skid marks ? We went to Hardins Cave last night . This was my seventh trip to this cave , but it was still a lot of fun . We had a good group , including several new grotto members . I would try to name all of them but with my poor ability to remember names I 'm sure I 'd mess things up horribly . Joe Stewart was there with his seven year old grandson , along with Kylie . Jody Bailey actually showed up , which was great since he knows the cave so much better than I do and was able to point out things that I never noticed or had forgotten about . We went back to the rope climb - up and then turned around since it was getting late and we had gotten a late start . I kept up pretty well on the way into the cave , but I started slowing down a good bit on the way out since my total lack of staying active over the winter started catching up to me and my quad muscles were just about shot from climbing over the piles of breakdown . We found some really nice crinoid stem fossils in the ceiling in a few places . The biggest difference between this trip and most of my previous trips was the amount of water in the cave . This was the first time I 've actually seen the stream in the cave with running water , and there was a small waterfall very close to the entrance that had never been flowing on any of my previous trips . The waterfall in the big room was flowing as well , whereas in the last few years it 's only been dripping . So let 's have a guessing game . Anyone care to ponder what the above image is ? I cropped it out of a larger image and enlarged it a bit , but otherwise it has not been enhanced in any way . Actually , it represents a " de - hancement " of sorts . If I stare at it long enough , it starts looking like the face of a demonic bunny . The winner of the contest gets a virtual overnight stay at the Motel of Love in Chicago . So several people in the grotto have been asking me to arrange a trip to Cedar Ridge , which I first visited several years ago . I finally relented and planned for a trip this past Saturday . One by one , everyone dropped out , so only John " I am the " Law showed up at Shoney 's on Saturday morning . This cave is really awesome though , so we loaded up in the Honda and headed for Monteagle . There were snow flurries that morning in Nashville , so I was expecting some possible bad weather going over the plateau , but the only thing bad up there was the fog . You could only see about 30 or 40 feet ahead on top of the mountain , but of course people were still blazing past me at about 80 mph or so . By the way , if you 're going down I - 24 past Murfreesboro , the local cops there apparently need to make up a budget shortfall , since they had about 6 brand new SUV vehicles planted in the median waiting to write tickets . We got to the cave about 10 : 30 and headed in . It was pretty chilly outside , but the cave was much warmer . The first time I was in this cave , we didn 't have any really bright lights , but John brought a 50 watt track light hooked up to a big battery that we used to help light it up for pictures . This is definitely the way to see this cave . This light made my 3 watt Apex look pitiful by comparison and showed off a lot more detail when it was turned on . As I 've said before , this cave is simply amazing . I 've never seen one this beautiful anywhere else , and I 've been told by long time cavers in the area that it 's one of the best for the sheer number of decorations in a small space . We spent about 3 . 5 hours in the cave , mostly letting John get his camera set - up . Afterwards , we did the obligatory tacos and cold beer at the Mexican place in Kimball , TN and then headed back to Nashville . I could tell it had been a while since I 'd been caving since my shoulder and upper back muscles were pretty torn up , and are still sore today . Here 's a picture of me that John took in the cave . You can also see more of his pictures by clicking here . I was trying to find something earlier tonight and I stumbled across a metal box I got out of my grandparents house about 10 years ago . I 'd never really looked through it , since it was mostly full of paperwork , which my grandparents tended to hang onto like grim death . Once I started looking through it though , I realized it belonged to my great - uncle George W . Strother , who died back in 1974 . I spent an hour looking through all of the papers , most of which were really old life insurance policies from the 1950 's , along with bills for what were apparently sawmill parts . Down near the bottom I found this picture , which is my great - grandfather Enoch McDonald Strother , who was born in 1866 and died in 1919 . There aren 't a lot of pictures of him that I 've seen before , and I 'm not sure if I 've seen this one . The picture was really small , measuring about 2 . 5 inches by 1 . 5 inches . I scanned it at really high resolution and I think it came out pretty well . You can click on the image to get a larger version than this . This picture proves once again that I didn 't inherit any of the Strother genes that I really would have wanted to . His mustache puts Tom Selleck 's to shame , but when I tried to grow one years ago it just looked sad and pathetic . I 've updated my reading list for 2007 and started the new list for 2008 , which you can find over on the right side of the blog . I didn 't read as many books in 2007 as I wanted to , but I think I still read a few more than I did in 2006 . My father - in - law gave me several caving books for Christmas , and I finished the first one last night . I still have a pile of about six books that I 'm in various phases of reading . I read a whole book sitting in the book store waiting on Victoria over the course of about a month , 50 pages at a sitting . So almost every night , I give Jack his bath , get him dried off , and then into his pajamas . Then I read 2 or 3 books with him in my lap and tag up with Mommy who reads him another book or two and rocks him for a bit before she puts him in his crib with some soft music playing and his blanket , duck , and whatever else happens to be in there , usually including a book or two . Last night we went through this whole process and then headed back downstairs as usual . I 'm sitting on the couch with the laptop and Marissa is watching TV in the next room , with the baby monitor next to her . After about half an hour she says " Go upstairs and check on Jackson , I swear I can hear pages turning . " I 'm dubious about this , but I go up the stairs , open the door , and duck inside . There 's almost no light in the room , just a little from a small night light and maybe a little from outside through the blinds . I go up to the crib and there 's Jack , leaning against the back of the crib with a book in his lap and his pacifier in his mouth , turning the pages . He gives me a look that basically said " What ? " His eyes are drooping and you can tell he 's just about asleep , but he 's still sitting there trying to read . Marissa came up to take a look as well , and read him one more book and rocked him again before he finally went to sleep for the night . He 's just been obsessed with them lately and he probably has about 200 books already in his collection . I 'm so proud of him . He 's a book nut just like his Daddy and Nana . |
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