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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Ratmen : " Oh , poor girl , she 's crying . She 's scared almost to death . What have you all done to this poor , innocent , young girl ? ! " A short parley later , a few rats were assigned to take everyone to the cave . They told a story about a sea - creature that uses the cave . It had , over time , collected a wall of brains which the rats couldn 't eat . The brains were webbed together , for an unknown reason . With that story in mind , everyone went back to the cabin and collected the pile of bones - in - a - net . They returned to the cave with the bones of the creature 's mate . Before reaching the mouth of the cave , the smell of the sea washed over them . The smell of rotten fish and crabs broken and left to rot and dry on the rocks assailed them . In the dirt and debris leading up to the mouth of the cave , something heavy had been dragged along the ground . ( They later realized this was caused by the shambling gate of the monstrous creature within . ) As quietly as they could , they entered the cave and followed it along some twists and turns . Mary quietly whimpered as everyone shuffled along , often slipping on the algae - encrusted ground . Douglas carried the load of mermaid - bones , and once lost his footing causing a loud clatter . Johnny and Angus readied their weapons while Douglas scrambled to pick up his dropped cargo . From somewhere in the cavern , a light was spotted , so Johnny went to investigate . He saw that it immediately opened into a roughly 30 × 30 cave . Inside was a seal - like - creature : over 10 feet tall and the width of 2 stout men , with human arms , human legs , and a massive head . It stood next to a large barrel resembling those found on the docks of Portchester . Five Shaggai - Shan were working on a grim altar of brains and animal sinew . On the wall above the rows of brains were occult symbols describing the spell that would explode the brains of all humans as it emanated out from the altar . They decided to back up and discuss a strategy . It was right at midnight when they heard cooing , sing - song sounds and other noises coming from the cave . They ducked as six Shan bugs flew out , possibly leaving the monstrous creature alone inside . They decided to try to talk to the creature , possibly offering the bones of its lost mate in apology for what had happened to her . They entered to see the sea creature ( Bunyip ) scooping water from the barrel onto his face and into his mouth , and a much larger Shan working on the brain structure . They also discovered a large , swirling portal on the south wall that was emanating the light illuminating the cave . Johnny and Angus tried to talk to the beast , and Douglas stepped forward to offer the bones . In response , the beast howled a hideous roar and charged . The Bunyip cast his drowning magic on Mary and then charged Douglas . Having no luck with the other acids , Mary shoved the green gaseous sphere into the scrambled brain and smashed it open with her knife - the acid immediately started disintegrating the protective carapace , brains , and shelving , expanding at an accelerated rate . Douglas commanded the demon to attack the Bunyip , which distracted it enough for them to escape . As they fled , Douglas grabbed Johnny 's torso , Anny picked up Angus , and they ran back to Old Henry 's cabin . The wall of brains was destroyed , the magic spell was spoiled , the apparent master - mind Shan was dead . The spell would not be performed this year , so the people are safe . But the Bunyip still lives : will it return in 7 years to start again ? Only time will tell . The monster , wreathed in shadow , pulled itself above the lip of the old well . Angus fell away from the edge and screamed in horror . He turned and ran for the picket fence that bounded the cabin property . With a hop , he cleared the fence , but the monster was hot on his heels . Mary and Johnny heard Angus 's yells of warning , and came to see what the commotion was . From inside the doorframe of the cabin , Johnny saw the monster at the edge of the fence whip a shadow tentacle around Angus and haul him back into the yard . Johnny tried his best to blow the tentacle off with his shotgun , but it backfired and blew sparks in his face . Now free of the monster , Angus told everyone that they should flee , then ran inside after Annie . Mary followed him in . Johnny was excreted in a similar manner to the one in which Angus had been , but the experience took a toll on his sanity . He ran screaming like a madman into the house . Behind him , Mary closed the door . In a short while , a knocking came at the door . The cabin was Frau Trude 's , and Frau Trude had returned . She huffed , and she puffed , and the guys let her in . Douglas came out of his trance in time to apologize ( something no one else had thought to do ) . When she entered the house , Angus leapt at her and tried to stab her with his Cold Iron dagger . She ran and he chased her . She froze him in place , gouged part of his cheek out , and explained " the previous person was more polite . He is in a cave that is North of a watering hole East of here . The cabin you 're looking for is to the North of here . " With Douglas ' knowledge of geography and the map he had acquired , finding the watering hole to the East was very easy . They turned North toward a large rocky crop , then heard spooky sounds . They found a cave there , with Carl in its opening , badly injured and partly eaten . " It was horrible , save yourselves . A huge horrible beast with teeth , claws . I tried to kill him but he was too strong . cough I tried to kill it , but he slammed me against the wall and started shredding me with his claws and fangs . Something dragged me out of there , I didn 't see what it was . Thought it was a dream , thought I was dead . cough … Not a bear … just a big lump of fur . " They reoriented themselves , and headed up North . Along the way , they started hearing creatures moving around in the underbrush . Before too long , they found a dilapidated cabin with an old crumbling stone well out front . Johnny woke up to a frantic ShermanRat rifling through the things in his former room . " It 's getting late , gotta get the bar ready . " Johnny pointed out that the bar would be fine , and if he was upset about the mess in the bar , he should talk to Angus . Angus who is probably at Johnny 's place . Sherman left , and Johnny went to set up . He found that Lady Shijo had the place in good running order . After starting in on his breakfast , Betty from the hospital walked in . She was vacant and subdued , asking repeatedly about Mary . Angus , walking down the road , noticed a stark - white - robed person near Pearl St and Union Ave . The hands of the figure were very dark … Almost black . He decided to chase after her as she turned the corner away from him . He chased her , seeing a glimpse of her far away . He managed to follow and found a tiny shop . He knocked on the door . The proprietors of a secret small shop opened the door . " How did you find this place ? What have you done with her head ? " Angus revealed that he had given Frau Trude a body , allowed her to get eyes , and call her cat . Mary walked into the bar and immediately Betty came up to her and blankly explained , " Orkliff needs to see you . It is very urgent . You must immediately . " When Mary assented to go , Betty immediately became manic again , apparently suffering amnesia for the past several hours . Inside , Mary and Johnny found the man had gained an insectile infection . Over Betty 's objections , Mary treated Mr . Stubor . With that taken care of , Betty led the way to the hospital . In his office , Orkliff pulled Mary aside and brought in a covered bundle . He confessed that he had found a Shaggai larva and raised it into maturation . His experiments taught him that with enough physical harm , they simply die . He also discovered that the Shaggai can control the body of something by probing their brains . Orkliff didn 't want to go to a church , so he asked Mary came up with the idea to organize him being included in a militia . They found it ! There was a picket fence around the property , with a kept lawn containing a dismantled stone well . There was a garden out back with a stone well set within . On the front and back porches there were barrels , the one in front having a sign which read , roughly " drink me " . Also on the front porch , there was a well - crafted rocking chair and a small chest . While everyone investigated every possible aspect of the house , Douglas entertained himself with 3 bowls of porridge he had found inside . The gang ( Johnny , Mary , Annie , and Douglas ) left the store and started heading toward the Brewmaster Pub . Inside , they found a dilapidated rundown dive . Douglas ordered drinks and food for everyone , and asked about SamSomething and Joe Catcher . The bartender brought out the soup and wandered around the bar cleaning . He stopped over - long at one table , and the patron quietly tried to leave the bar . Johnny distracted the bartender while Mary , Annie , and Douglas caught up with him and brought him back to the Pub . During a long conversation with a very drunk Joe Catcher and an increasingly drunk Sam . They mentioned that Joe had seen Henry at the docks , picking up a barrel of water . He recounted a short tale of Henry having claimed to have caught something in his net . Sherman had been around , asking about Henry , too . They told him to talk to Peter Kimmen ( sons Jeffrey and Carlton ) at the Dead Duck Inn . They arrived at the door , a beat up thing with an actual dead duck nailed to it at around 7 : 00pm . Things had gotten calm in the Inn when Trent and Bruce burst into the place . They started causing a commotion and making a big deal out of Lady Shijo . Angus called the attention of all of the members of " Douglas ' Militia " , then when Bruce kept running his mouth , he cold - cocked him and forced him to apologize to Lady Shijo . The four of them pushed into the Dead Duck and saw " Charles " playing cards with One - armed Peter . They sat down with them and played a few hands of poker . A few hands and a few dollars and the lips start to loosen . North down Battery til the North docks . Left down Maple St . go till you hit Corenth . head down til you hit a dead ends at the woods . Head into the woods . in 10 mins find a path next to an old stream , take the path north . Stone well in front of the cabin . Mary panicked and ran toward the Church of the Redeemer . Douglas , Annie , and Johnny ran the opposite direction , though Johnny was too slow . He was overtaken by Annie and Douglas who made it to the Police Station in relative safety . Johnny was attacked thrice by the Buzzkill , but he shook it off each time . When he arrived at the bar , he found it in a party state . Lady Shijo explained the situation to him , and he had some words with Angus . At the church , Mary explained of the evil spirit . William took her to the Vicar and she explained again . A person brought two shaken but uninjured men into the church . Mary talked over with them , and they had been attacked by a Buzzkill . At the Raven 's Head tavern , Johnny continued to scold Angus , marked down the losses the bar had suffered , and took what he could out of Angus 's paycheck . Harold and Lady Shijo each had things to say . Lady Shijo is going to watch over the bar while Johnny faces his end and the end of all things . Harold drank another bottle of vodka , and told Angus that he had had an old lady come visit . And he was surprised that he had a cat . The cat left when the old lady did . Johnny was visited by WalterRat . " Wakeup Johnny , it 's almost morning . You 'll be so happy . It 's gonna be great ! All three of us will be together again . Sherman didn 't want to either , at first , but that 's probably because of how mean the others are . You don 't want to be a rat ? Well , I haven 't given them your toe yet . Tuesday night , at midnight , they 'll make me give it to them . But I won 't give them your toe if they can go back to the cave . " Angus was wakened by Frau Trude . " Hurry , try this one ! " And when Angus peeked above the covers ( through which he could smell something rancid ) , he spied the bloated purple corpse of a young girl . He left and grabbed a spoon . Frau Trude was willing to help him hold the head down , and he went to work on the delicate surgery . He bent his head in concentration as he maneuvered the spoon around the socket . At one point , he thought he felt a pocket of rot and swiveled his spoon to avoid it . The edge of the spoon bit into the jelly of the eye and it popped in his hand , spraying gunk from the socket . " It 's ruined ! Get the other . " They got to the house and entered it . It was just as they remembered it : in a horrid state of disrepair and abandonment . They proceeded through the trapdoor into the ritual room . Annie 's dog noticed something dark and threatening in a corner of the room , where Annie saw nothing and Douglas only saw a deep darkness . Douglas began to draw a circle of salt in the center of the room . Before he finished , the thing erupted from the wall ! Douglas saw a bit of darkness flash and that was all , but Annie and the dog saw a huge mass of insects , maggots , and bugs . Douglas just barely managed to finish the salt circle before the thing broke into it . Angus sent two messengers plus himself to meet with the nightly patrol groups . They contacted three that were on patrol that night , and asked them to send word to the others : " Douglas wants everyone to meet up by Our Lady of the Angels at 8 : 00 am for special training . Don 't patrol tonight , there 's no danger . " Angus slowly opened his eyes and looked on his bed . Atop the sheets a furry distended form writhed in a heap . Maggots pushed for space and fell to the covers into piles of wriggling rot . Once the head was messily severed , Angus began tugging at the spinal column . With a squelch and another spurt of mess , the brain came loose . With the inside of the cat 's skull loose , Angus started pressing the eyes into the cavity . They deformed and popped into the inside where they dangled loosely . When Angus went to pull the eyes from inside the skull , he accidentally crushed one of the eyeballs . Finally , he looked at Frau Trude and saw that she had eyes . She pulled one of her eyes out , replacing it with the mangled , crushed cat eye . " This won 't work ! We 'll have to try again . I 'll bring another one tomorrow ! This time , something fresher . " She went to leave , and Angus offered her a peace treaty . Let 's shake hands and let bygones be bygones … ( Angus rolled a natural 100 on his persuade ) . " We can shake hands when you fulfill your promise ! " The tiny malevolent doll lashed out at him and ran away . Angus patched up the scratch and cleaned it as well as he could . He chucked all of the most solid pieces of the rotten cat out of the window , and he left a note to housekeeping about the rest of the bloody , maggoty , horrible mess . " From Angus : Just clean ; don 't ask questions . " Then Angus went to another room . Angus went up to Harold to find out what was going on , and Harold didn 't know . He had come to work and opened the door and then people started coming in . " If you wanna beer , just go ahead and grab it . Put the money in the stock pot . " Angus thought he would rob the store blind , and launder it by selling the liquor and food at horrid discounts . Then he realized his militia would get trashed if he just gave away alcohol , and he changed his mind . After this point , he tried valiantly to control the mob of drinkers . Her servants created an exotic stew , and she took control over the stock - pot of money , denying Angus his ambition of stealing it all . When he protested , she cast a spell on him that made him compliant and helpful : " You are a great friend . You all must work together . I 'm sure Johnny will agree to do the right thing . He 'll be here at 11 . We must make sure the tavern runs smoothly until he gets here . " - Angus went about keeping things running smoothly , while making sure his militia did not get too drunk . After the quick drink , Harold , Johnny , Annie , and Douglas took off . Harold was leading them toward the site of a horrible murder . His severely inebriated state made it difficult for him to find anything . The bare sliver of moonlight made his task even more so . Johnny caught sight of a pair of feet near a rubbish pile , and heard cat yowls from the area . He turned his lantern in the direction , and saw a body that had been mutilated . The lower body region and neck were covered in blood . Atop the body sat a pair of cats picking at the torn flesh . One took off when Annie and Douglas started talking at Johnny ; the other ran away when Johnny swung his gun at it . Annie immediately started to catalog the scene , trying to determine who he was and what had killed him . His pants had been pulled around his ankles . His genitals had been ripped off of his body . His chest appeared to have been ripped / shredded open . A huge chunk had been ripped out of his neck , and traces of lipstick were found on his collar area . Harold hadn 't seen the murder , but he had seen the body . He took a seat to think for a minute - an action which made a squishing sound . When Harold looked at what he had sat on , he yelped , threw the item at Douglas , and ran off in a panic . Douglas was too slow to dodge the gory dick - and - balls as it sailed through the air . In his scramble to evade , Douglas dropped the whiskey , and the bottle shattered on the ground . Johnny brought Harold back while Douglas and Annie prepared the corpse to take it to the police station . Meanwhile , Harold licked the whiskey from the stones , cutting his tongue and lips from the broken glass . Douglas and Annie took the body to the police station . There , the clerk suggested that he looked like the other man that was murdered a couple night ago : a chunk missing from the neck and chest clawed open , but the other man hadn 't had his genitals removed . Annie was awakened by a cat yowling at her from outside the window . She shooed it away and went back to sleep . Once asleep , she had a mythos - dream sparked by the book she had been reading : Revelations of Hali . Johnny was awoken by WalterRat in the middle of the night . " I 'm glad you took my toe , I didn 't mean to bite off so much of your toe . " He seemed concerned and frustrated that Johnny hadn 't done anything to try and find anything . " You want me to be like you , right ? You don 't want to be a rat ; but you do want to be like Sherman , right ? " Johnny agreed that he wanted WalterRat to be like him , and that Johnny wanted to be like Sherman . Thinking that that was suspicious , Johnny went to check on Sherman . His pounding on the door awoke Mary . He opened the door when no one answered , and Johnny saw that the shutters were open and the bedsheets were torn and messy . The Japanese woman ( Lady Shijo ) and her bodyguards roused Mary , and started asking her about the condition of the bar . She was concerned because no one had shown up for work yet , and the front door lock was broken . Mostly , Mary just gave her empty assurances that it would be repaired during the day . She suggested that they take this opportunity to try some of the other local restaurants and taverns , for today . He went to Lady Shijo 's rooms , but there was no answer since they had left earlier . He went to the maid 's room to leave a note for her . Her room looked extremely tidy and un - lived in . The maid 's key was sitting on the table , as well , suggesting she may have left town . Then he went to check that Walter 's old room was still locked . It was , but he heard movement inside . When he opened the door , he saw a similar scene as when it was first investigated . The glassware on the side table was scattered ; the bedding was ripped from the bed ; the shutters were open ; a giant rat sat on a pile of clothes and dug at the remains of a squirrel . The rat turned to look at Johnny , squirrel jiblets falling out of his maw . " I 'm not a rat ! " The face of Sherman , twisted and deformed hissed at Johnny . Johnny tried to convince him to stay , but ShermanRat fled the room . " I can 't help you if you don 't stay ! " Johnny shouted after , to no avail . Douglas and Annie showed up at the bar shortly after 1 : 00pm . Johnny finished locking up the bar . A child showed up with a letter from Carl Sinster for Angus . It said he had met with a few people . Just as they were about to leave to find Clinton Reever and Joe Catcher , they were interrupted by Sergeant Edward . He said that his speech went well , the churches have agreed to hold the vigils , but word of the Buzzkills has spread . The attacks happen at night , so how are people supposed to congregate ? Some citizens refuse to leave their homes at night , so the vigil may fail . Annie assured him that they knew how to deal with the bugs , and it would be taken care of before Sunday night . As Edward described how people had been sent to the hospital , and suffered mental trauma from the massive cloud of biting insects , Douglas began having an episode . This sent Harold into a fit , as well . The both of them began scratching and shouting about insects crawling in and out of their ears , nose , and mouth ; Douglas shouted about them laying eggs under the skin . Edward also became very animated : " You 've seen them ? What can we do ? " Annie tried to calm everyone down , threatening them with her dog , while Mary got a tranquilizer prepared for Douglas . At this point , Johnny went off the deep end , grabbed a baseball bat from behind the bar , and started smashing bottles while shouting " Get out ! Everyone out ! We 're closed ! " Almost in response , six men entered the Tavern asking for food and drinks . Johnny shouted " We 're closed " as he smashed more glasses and bottles with the baseball bat . Douglas engaged Reever in a long conversation . Reever mentioned that some of the old sailors that frequent the Dead Duck Inn may know where Henry 's cabin is , since he was an old seadog too . He said Joe Catcher often hangs out at the Brewmaster Pub with his buddy " Sam " - something . Sam started going to the Brewmaster Pub a few weeks back , after being kicked out of the Dead Duck Inn for cheating at cards . Walter rat said to find the cave , find Henry 's Cabin and talk to " the others " . Joe Catcher told Walter how to find the cabin . Clinton Reever knows Joe . Everyone went home to go to sleep . At Johnny 's house , he waited in his bed for Walter - Rat . At a point early in the morning , he was awakened by the sound of Angus 's trap clapping shut . Johnny assumed Walter - Rat had been caught , and had a long conversation with him , during which Johnny agreed that he " wanted ten toes , but he didn 't want to be turned into a rat . " Walter stated that he wanted to become human again , and asked Johnny to help him - asking him what he would need . Johnny intended to cut off a piece of Walter 's tail , but then after some discussion agreed to Walter 's alternative plan : " I 'll give you my toe , and you 'll turn me back into a human . " Afterwards , Walter sprung from his hiding place in the shadow jumping onto the trap and out of the window . Walter did not leave his toe behind . Mary and Annie awoke and tried to find some acid . The hospital seemed the most natural location . Orkliff wasn 't there , so they spoke with Betty . She was in a horrible state , extremely agitated and frantic ; and her snuff jar of cocaine was obviously empty . They placed an order with her for chemicals from out of town , which Betty said should arrive on the next shipment - Fri Oct 28 . After Mary shared the rest of her cocaine with Betty , she settled down a bit and said she would try to place a rush order so that it might arrive on Wed Oct 26 . Mary and Annie then headed to the Raven 's Head tavern . Douglas went to the library and actually found geographical maps . He studied them and found several areas where he thinks there could be caves . It will take approximately three full days of searching to discover all caves to the North of Portchester . Johnny and Angus went back to the Curiosity Shoppe , buying several potions and a couple other oddities : cat tail , monkey paw , and Cthulhu statuette . Shortly after returning to the Tavern , Johnny 's foot / toe began itching horribly . Upon investigation , he saw that his big toe had grown back - as a rat toe ( Walter 's toe ) . Douglas conceived of a plan to gather citizens ( especially ones with young girls ) into churches on Sunday evening . He and Annie delivered a speech to acting - Sergeant Edward for him to deliver . Angus went out to organize the militia groups to help coordinate the effort . Terrified by the prospect of Buzzkill wandering the streets , everyone slept in the common room . Later that night , Johnny was awakened by Walter - Rat : " I 'm back , Johnny . What did you want ? " After some discussion ( and several attempts by Walter to trick Johnny some more ) , Walter shared the following information : They 're all at Henry 's cabin . Joe ( Catcher ) told me how to find it . Clinton ( Reever ) told me how to find Joe . They followed three sets of barefoot tracks from the asylum . One set split off . The other two led to a small clearing in the woods where they found a male body , who was naked from the waist down and had had his throat ripped out . After a small scare from an alley cat , the gang heard a soft , melodious song . They followed the noise and found a Shaggai Shan perched on a 2nd story window . Johnny just opened fire on the thing , shattering the window . Mary tried hitting the thing with green - spheres - of - demon - banishing , but she missed twice . Johnny was put into a trance , thinking he had to clean the Raven 's Head . He was taken out of commission . When the residents of the house came into their child 's room , they started making a commotion . When they made a commotion , Angus grabbed Johnny and fled . Mary and Annie went inside to make sure the child was okay , and to talk down the parents . Douglas ran to " catch the vandals " , he ended up with the boys . When Angus shook Johnny out of his stupor , and Douglas had scolded him for firing his weapon at a house , the shrunken head started talking to Angus . " College Row , Damsel Drive . Climb the Ivy , 35 . There she lies , there she dies . " They found address 35 on College Row , and there was an ivy - covered wall nearby . The boys began trying to climb the ivy - covered trellis . Johnny tried to jump to grab the window ledge of the open window and fell . Angus tried to swing over to the window ledge and fell . Douglas climbed all the way onto the roof . Douglas lowered himself into the room . He saw a scene that horrified him . A little girl was in her bed with the tail of a Shaggai Shan sticking out of her abdomen . He heard a splurtch , and the Shaggai turned writhed out of the stomach wound , holding something . The man answered the door , and Annie and Mary rushed into the house . Angus and Johnny stayed in the street , guns leveled at the window . If anything non - human comes through the window , they 'd shoot it . Annie burst into the room , just as Douglas slammed the window shut shouting " We 're too late ! " Annie , Mary , and the girl 's father saw the carnage . The father fell unconscious in the doorway . Annie passed a yellow - gas ornament to Mary , who nailed the Shaggai with it . The Shaggai started screeching and writhing around . It dropped the brain with a sickening squish . The acid ate quickly and relentlessly through the thing . Mary tried to save what parts she could of the Shaggai , while Annie secured the scene . Angus burst in and found the tiny doll digging at the girl 's eyes . He tried to pry it off of her , to no avail . Annie also failed to knock the doll away . The girl 's mother came into the room , and one glimpse of the grizzly scene sent her into a panicked , hysteric , state . Sometimes you step over the unconscious body of your husband to see a doll digging out your daughter 's eyes , a doctor recklessly dissecting a giant cockroach , and a bloody trail leading from your child 's bed to where her brain ended up . This unsettles the mother . Angus talked the doll into being slightly calmer . Annie picked up the corpse of the girl . The doll was upset by this , and began climbing up Annie 's leg . As the doll clawed its way up Annie 's leg , Annie dropped the corpse and started swatting at the doll . Angus took the opportunity to jump down and start digging at the eyes of the girl . Annie batted the doll away , and Mary pulled a gun on Angus . They broke into a discussion in which Mary tried to convince Angus that you don 't pull out the eyes of the dead , and Angus tried to convince Mary that giving the doll the eyes of the girl will be a major success . Annie tried to carry the girl away again . When she picked it up , she felt the head lolling around , and heard sounds of effort coming from inside . She immediately realized that the doll was inside the head . She reached up the stomach , through the throat , and into the skull , and she grabbed the doll by a leg and tugged it out of the brain cavity . There was a sick sucking noise , and Annie ripped the doll out of the body , but the doll had a firm hold on the eye roots . The eyes squished down and the doll came free , tugging a long rope of nerves , veins , and arteries that ended in mushed disgusting jelly . Annie and the doll struggled against each other for several moments . The doll slashed at Annie while Annie fought to get the eyes away from it . Angus jumped in and wrestled the doll from Annie , but in the same moment Annie snatched the eyes from the doll and fled the room . The doll was upset and declared that it would take revenge on Angus once it had gotten its own eyes , saying : " I know that you tried . But you failed , so you lied . I will be back to deal with you . After I find my own eyes . " Meanwhile , the woman was hysterically pleading , " Frau Trude ! She 's real and she killed my baby ! " She brought out a book Frau Trude An Examination of Grimm 's Fairy Tales and Local Folk Lore - by H . C . Anderson Mary collected Douglas and drugged him with calming medicine . They went back together and found Annie . Annie had a new book , and she was studying her yellow - stone - set - into - a - black - setting - with - small - carvings - of - bugs - and - beetles . Silently , Mary lead the two gobsmacked explorers back to the Raven 's Head Tavern . Angus and Johnny were in the Tavern when Harold walked in . Angus spoke to him , and he seemed intent on talking to Mary . Angus invited Harold over to sit and wait for Mary . Along the way , Harold had a bit of an episode and tried to kill another patron ( Gerald ) . Johnny intervened giving Harold enough time to recognize Gerald as a friend , and the four went to a table to chat and enjoy some soup . Mary , Douglas , and Annie arrived at the Tavern . Harold immediately spotted Mary and went to her . He told her how he had seen a man turn into a swarm of bugs and chase him on the 11th . And he told her about how he saw the Shaggai Shan on the 9th ( near Barker 's Bread ) . And he told her about seeing Peter . He also mentioned the girl seven years ago , that both he and Mr . Ferell saw . " They 're taking the brains . I know that now , but I don 't know why . " Younger brother had a black evil hag sit on his chest at night . A nice old lady brought Harold to a black woman . She gave him an amulet to give to his brother to keep him safe ( happened when he was 5 or 6 ) . Now he sees the hag in the shadows in corners and under beds . At one point , he pointed hysterically at a corner and shouted that the hag was there . Mary saw something hunched over and creepy , but it was gone in an instant . Mary , Harold , and Angus returned to the table and began discussing plans . Douglas returned , and joined them . Angus tried to sell his German Grimm 's Fairy Tales books to Douglas , who said he would have to look them over first to see if they were worth it . Harold and Gerald went to the bar to chat by themselves . Head : " But you agreed to help me . How can you help me if I 'm not with you . You agreed to give me her eyes . " Angus : " Can it be any eyes ? Why does it have to be that girls eyes " . Head : " Why would you take someone else 's eyes ? Why would you hurt someone else ? I asked for her eyes because she 'll be dead , so she won 't need them anymore . " Head : " I don 't know , I can 't tell . There 's many of them , and one has to succeed . Only then will I know . And when I know , I 'll tell you where she is . " Head : " I can 't talk to them . They can 't hear me . It has to be you . You gave me my body , now you must give me her eyes . Then I will be complete , and then I will be able to help so much more ! " Mary was appalled , saying that they have to try . " You say there are many monsters , hunting and killing young girls . And we should do nothing ? We can 't just let those monsters kill little girls . We have to try to save them ! " Angus offered Harold his place to stay , and took him there to help him settle in . Johnny talked to Sherman and got him hired as a handyman at the Tavern . Mary took a nap , as did Angus when he returned . Johnny went home to get bird - shot for the rifle , and some other gear . Annie studied her new book and the yellow stone . Douglas read the books that Angus had purchased from the curiosity shop . A big burly guy started accusing Douglas of stirring up trouble in the town . He got angry and aggressive , at which point 4 other men in the tavern stood up : " Do you know who you 're messin ' with ? ! That 's Douglas . You best leave him alone . " Unimpressed and angry , the man took a swing , clocking Douglas ( 4hp damage ) . The four men rushed him in Douglas ' defense , landing a couple blows . Douglas stood up and returned the favor by knocking the man out cold . Angus started a cheer , and before too long the whole bar was rowdy with support for Lincaster . Douglas and Annie had crazy dreams . The yellow - robed - tentacle - god offered them powers and rewards to finish off the last follower who " claims he follows me , and yet denies me to others . " Annie feigned ignorance . Douglas agreed . Mary woke up ( + 8 hours rest ) to a messenger knocking and brought her to the police station . She learned that they had not been taking good care of the captured cultist . Upon inspecting him , he was pale and muttering " Gotta put him away . Gotta get to the home . Ellen . Gotta finish . Take me back , gotta put him away . " Elsewhere , Douglas awoke ( + 5 hours rest ) . He meant to head to the tailor , but wandered instead to the police station . " Oh , I guess I meant to come see my friend " he says after a short conversation with the receptionist . He was barely in the room for a minute when he began to strangle the cultist . Mary was not able to stop him from choking the life away from the cultist ; Douglas was too strong and too strongly willed . When the cultist was dead , Douglas was confused , realizing what he had done . Annie was awakened by a knock at her door ( + 6 hours rest ) . It was Kieth . " We need you to come look at Rick 's house . Somebody ransacked the place . We were supposed to get something , but the place was torn apart . He had the clipboard with asylum visitors . " Annie and Kieth arrived at the scene of Rick 's trashed apartment . There , she discovered a bloody labcoat partially burned in the fireplace . So , she set out to find Edward , to share this new piece of evidence . Johnny and Angus woke around 12 : 00 pm ( + 7 hours rest ) . They went to talk to Sherman about the ritual they had discovered . Unfortunately , Sherman said Walter had visited and offered to fix Sherman 's finger . By agreeing , Sherman may have doomed himself to turn into a rat . Annie showed up while Jim and Mary were speaking about Douglas , and she showed Jim the bloody smock . He discovered in the pocket a tag from Taylor 's Pawn and gifts , # 3123 . As the two of them discussed the finer points of who should investigate , a boy delivered another letter to Douglas . Johnny and Angus headed back to Johnny 's place , where Angus spent an hour devising a trap for Walter rat . Angus wanted to visit Orkliff . The two of them went to the hospital to visit Sgt . Stromberg . Of course , he was in intensive care and not to be disturbed , so the two of them went to the Curiosity Shop . The shop owner piqued their interest with a few cult - related books . Spells , elder gods , and more . They also bought some white beeswax candles , and Angus went on a shopping spree . He bought a couple of protective amulets , a shrunken headless body . Johnny spotted some spheres with liquid within it , said to banish monsters , demons and ghosts . They left and went to 13 Lafayette ( former residence of Ellen Deepton ) to see what the cultist had been gibbering about . Mary waited outside while Douglas and Annie explored the house . They found tons of cultist paraphernalia , including some sort of protected circle with symbols of " summoning and consolidation " on one side and " separation and confinement " on the other . The circle contained 5 candles - burnt to the ground , and was surrounded by a circle of salt that had been broken in several areas by rat tracks . In the corner of one room , they heard a deep buzzing sound , and a mass of cockroaches , beetles , hoppers , and flies erupted and slammed into Douglas . Then they retreated and slammed into Annie . Douglas and Annie tried to use a chant they had seen to banish the possessed bugs , but it didn 't seem to work . To get away from the bugs , they fled . During their flight , they were magically compelled to panic . Angus went to another room and offered to unite his shrunken head with the shrunken body . When he combined the two , they grew together and started laughing . In surprise , Angus dropped it , and it started cackling and running blindly into things . " I can 't see , Angus . You want to see the Dark Lady again , don 't you . But I can 't see her - she saw to that . Give me eyes , Angus , give me eyes and I will be able to see her " Angus was confused , and asked " who 's eyes " , to which the shrunken head replied : " You can 't stop it , but you may be able to stop the next one if you knew what the Dark Lady knows . Give me the young girl 's eyes . She won 't need them ; she 'll be dead . " Shrunken head answered : " There are many possibilities . It is not set yet . But when the time comes , I 'll tell you … if you give me her eyes ! " |
Confusion . It was all Holly could clearly feel . Gabriel was gone . She had thought about this moment at odd times - what she would do without him , what she would feel if anything . She 'd broken up with so many others , it was almost a given that at some point they wouldn 't work out either . However , why today of all days ? She had stood there , by his side all day , even though she didn 't want to , even though the fear was overwhelming at times . Still she had stood and done her best to get him through the day . And what did he do ? He broke up with her anyway . Yet , she knew why . She understood . He was now stumbling in the darkness , unsure of anything . He wasn 't in his right mind . In fact , that was supremely obvious by his erratic behavior . First he was kissing her , and then he was telling her to get lost . Gabriel , the Gabriel she knew , would not toy with her like that . No , he was hurting , and he was pushing her away , maybe not even because he wanted to but because he was trying to get through the pain moment by moment , not really thinking any farther than that . As she climbed the stairs , Holly reached for the one and only thing she could think to do - prayer . " Dear Lord , please give Gabriel peace . Whatever that means for me , for us . Just give him peace . Be with him , God . Station Your angels around him to protect him . Please , dear Lord . Please , I 'm asking . " " Yeah . " He was a wreck - emotionally , physically , spiritually , mentally , and he knew it . There were only tiny shreds of sanity clinging to him , but even they were slipping . He stepped into the glaring light of the kitchen and blinked it back . All he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and disappear . At the table sat his mother , his aunt and his uncle . They all looked at him , watching him . He walked to the cabinet and took out a glass . He felt like he hadn 't had water in a month . With a jerk he turned on the water , filled the glass , and then shut it off . He turned to lean on the cabinet . Still , they were looking at him . " What ? What did I do ? " Staying strong hurt worse than it ever had . " Using me ? For what ? Entertainment ? " His laugh was hollow . " Holly 's not like that . " Gabe felt the emotion rising , disintegrating everything in its path . If he didn 't get out now , he was going to do or say something he 'd likely regret . He spun around and pitched the last of the water in the sink . " Well , you don 't have to worry about it . " The glass clinked to the cabinet . " I won 't be seeing her anymore . " His grip on the cabinet felt good because it hurt worse for a moment than the pain . Pulling stone - hard into him , he turned . " So , what are we doing with the food ? I don 't want to be up all night . " Holly was still praying the next morning when she got up and put on her sweatshirt and jeans . She hoped his night was better than hers . " God , be with Gabriel today . " The prayer continued as she went through the kitchen , got her coffee , and headed out to the back . The more she got done now , the less he would have to do when he came back . As she got to work unstringing the lights from the bushes and the fence , she thought how hard it would be for him to come back . Everything , everywhere would remind him , even as it reminded her now . The thought that he might decide not to come back went through her , searing every tender place left . How could she go on without him , without hearing his voice , and feeling his arms around her ? Dragging two sets of lights to the gazebo and going back to the ladder , she couldn 't help but see the unfairness of it all . Others fell in love , and everything was wonderful for them . She thought of Eric and Rebecca . Sure , they 'd had a few rough spots at the beginning , but hurting like this ? No way . They were head over heels . She knew Emily less well , and had only been around Jeremy a few times . Yet they too , knew how to make this work . They were , after all , getting married in January . Find someone , graduate , get married . It seemed so easy for everyone else . Why was it so impossibly impossible for her ? The thought of being relegated to the merry - go - round of relationships her mother tried to make normal dragged her spirit down even as she descended the ladder , picked it up , and moved it six feet over . She climbed back up . No , she would not be like her mother . She would rather live her whole life by herself than to go through that gauntlet . The lights on the fence snagged . She reached over and yanked up on them to dislodge them , but the fence 's hold didn 't yield . " Oh , you 've got to be kidding me . Come on . " One toe was all that was left on the ladder 's third rung as she reached , straining to untangle the strand of lights . " Come on ! " She yanked , her frustration with life going right into the string . The ladder wobbled under her , and her heart lurched . She tried to find something to grab onto but found nothing . " Ahh ! " Sharp branches of the bush below met her on the way down , slicing into her skin . They were the only things that slowed her plummet . As she fell through them , they jabbed and cut , slicing into her face , hands , and arms . And then , she was lying on the ground face up . The crash of the ladder in the opposite direction made her cringe . " Ugh . " Her back screamed in pain , not letting even a modicum of breath into her lungs . " Oh . " She couldn 't get in a real breath . It was completely impossible . " Ugh . Ugh . " She gasped for air , coughing because her lungs hated the air trying to come in . " Hey ! " The yell kept her from losing consciousness although she couldn 't really tell where it had come from or who it was . " Are you okay ? " Holly couldn 't stop the groan . She fought to breathe , but her lungs still wouldn 't let much air in at all . She closed her eyes to squeeze out the pain shooting through her . " What were you doing ? " The guy 's gaze was frantic and worried . " Look at you . You shouldn 't be out here doing this stuff . " Reaching for his sleeve , she sat up with his help . That made her head spin . " I 'm sorry . I was trying to … " Nausea swept into her . " Oh . " She needed something to lean on . Careful not to make the movements too big , she scooted over to the little bench but didn 't crawl up onto it , rather leaning against the cool metal supports , she worked on getting her breathing back to normal . Her senses were coming back , and she realized she had , in fact , seen this guy before . That day out by the pool . She groaned at the memory . Putting her head against the cool metal , she tried to find the words to tell him she was fine , but they swam around in her brain like a school of frightened fish . " What in the world happened ? " A second guy came hurrying up along the path . This one was tall and black . She had seen him too , but she had no idea what his name was . Holly didn 't want them fighting over her and her stupidity . She waved her hands at them . " I 'm fine . I 'm fine . I just wasn 't thinking . " Pushing her feet under her and praying they wouldn 't fail her , she reached up to the bench . " Here , help me up . " Although he looked less than sure , the black guy reached down for her hand . He helped her gently to her feet and didn 't really let go even when she was up . Concern etched in his gaze . " You 've got some nasty scratches there . " He reached over to her face . " Are you sure you 're okay ? " It was only then that she looked at her hands . There were tiny trails of blood all over them . She put one thumb knuckle up to her forehead to get her head to stop pounding . " I 'm sorry . I 'm okay . Really I am . " Lowering her hands to her knees to regain her composure , she pushed the pain and the blood away from her as she looked back at the lights . " We need to get these things down . I already got some down , but I didn 't know what to do with them . " She pointed over to the gazebo , the pain pulling her energy down farther . It was still difficult to breathe . She reached up and scratched the side of her face , desperately fighting to get back to normal . " Okay . " The Hispanic guy drew the two syllables into about five . " Then why don 't you help Darius roll up those lights ? I 'll get this . " She really didn 't have the energy to argue . Instead she just bobbed her head up and down and started for the gazebo . " God , just keep me on my feet . " It was noon before Gabe woke up . His mind still had that fog of needing more sleep , but he fought through it . No one was supposed to sleep this late . His father would … He snapped that thought in two . He forced himself up and trudged down the hallway . In the kitchen he pulled a bowl out and grabbed some Apple Jacks . The way he felt , that might even be too exotic . He was sitting at the table before he remembered the milk . But he was too tired to get milk , so he poured some cereal and dug in . Crunch . Crunch . Crunch . It echoed off the hollow walls of his mind . Memories hazed at the far fringes of his mind , but he deliberately shut them down . They didn 't need to remind him . " I was thinking we need to go into town today . I think I 'll put you on our … I mean , on my checking account , so you can sign checks on it . " " And the car 's timing is still missing . I was going to ask … We never did get that fixed , and I 've been afraid it was going to leave me stranded for a month . " " I said I 'll do it . " The words were harsh , sharp , and Gabe slammed his eyes closed , trying to take them back . His heart jammed into his throat . " I 'm sorry , Mama . Really I am . " Holly couldn 't take another minute alone in the big , empty house . The cuts on her hands and face looked worse than she thought they would , but they were not worth calling out the National Guard like the guys wanted to do . She 'd worked most of the morning with them - Tim and Darius . They were nice guys , funny . Although she knew they were trying to be serious with her around , funny was never very far away . As she slipped out the front door and started for the carriage house , she thought about how worried they had been about her when she fell and even throughout the morning . In fact the top two things on the list of things she 'd said were , " I 'm fine " and " Don 't worry . I 'm fine . " On the outside she was , the inside was another story . Absurdly she hoped Gabriel would be there when she opened the heavy door . She knew he wouldn 't , but it didn 't stop the hope . With a yank she pulled the door open and stepped inside . Strange how the chill seemed to permeate the space even when the weather outside was full - on summer . She reached out and pulled on the little light . Up the stairs she went , wrapping her arms in the long , oversized cable knit sweater . She had chosen it in anticipation of the chill . At the top , she let her gaze lead her down in to the memories . The breath was one of acceptance . As much as she hated to admit it , Gabriel probably had a point . Not that she deserved better , but that he did . She walked over to the little bookshelf and pulled one off . True Power & Real Peace . It was the one she had seen him reading . Taking it , she went over to the couch and curled onto it . Even here , alone , she felt his presence , and it helped . For a moment she could once again believe she wasn 't trash , she had a purpose , and there was someone in the world who actually loved her . It was a feeling that would be hard to get used to living without again . The spaghetti , always his favorite , was tasteless . He ate anyway , not wanting to hurt her feelings . But his mind was elsewhere - in the mansion , wondering how Holly was doing . Time was divided between her desk , the loft , and the garden . Always , always , the prayers went with her . She had started reading the book , and it now weaved in and out of the words she sent to Heaven . When true power and real peace join , the lion lays down with the lamb in perfect harmony . The rich soul knows he need not know every bend and twist in the road because he knows the One Who does , and if he is smart , he will trust that Knowledge . He will put his life into the Wisdom of the great I Am and know that he has never to worry about the future . The future is held in the Providence of the great I Am . The past likewise is given to the Mercy of the great I Am . The Present , that mystery that surrounds every rich soul , is held in the Love of the great I Am . So past , present and future he is forgiven , loved , and protected . Thus , he can step out in courage and freedom that amazes those around him . Each piece of understanding he gains in this regard will allow the rich soul to break free of the fears which seek to keep all truly great souls in chains . This understanding will allow the rich soul to take leaps of enormous faith to the point of walking on water because he will slowly learn that love , providence , mercy and joy will be his even in the midst of outward worry and grief . No setback will ever stop him for long . No trial will yield his defeat . There were no markings on this page , and Holly wondered at that . Had Gabriel not made it to this part yet ? Or had he not found anything to take away from this passage ? Holly considered . It wasn 't her book , nor was it her place . However , in her heart the lion suddenly laid with the lamb , and she knew it was right . Gabriel may not ever know what he had given to her , but here , this was a way that someday he would know . Taking the pen that was never far from her when she read , she carefully underlined the last three lines . Then , in her flowing script , she wrote : This is what I wish for you . May it be as you become the rich soul you were always meant to be . HJ Holly searched her heart for the words . " I 'm okay . Really . I miss him like crazy , and I wish how I knew this was all going to work out . But every time I ask God , He says to be patient and give Gabriel time . So that 's what I 'm doing . " " Yeah , we 're getting to be really good friends . " Holly laughed . " I know . I know . But it 's nice to have Someone to talk to when things go spinning out of control . " " Yeah , it is . " Rebecca paused . " Listen , Holly . I hate to add more stuff to your plate , but the lease for this place is coming up on the first . We talked to the landlord , and we can keep it if we want . " There were moments when peace was really hard to hang onto . This was one of them . " Oh . So you 're thinking about not coming back to the dorms then ? " Man , that hurt to say , to even think . " You 'll have to room with me actually . Em would have her own room down the hall . We 'd get the big one . But I didn 't know if you 'd be able to swing it , you know with everything that 's going on . " Everything that 's going on . That wasn 't a small consideration . " Yeah . Well , I 'm going to have to ask Mom when she gets back . " The thought of them coming back raked through her . " I don 't know how keen she 'll be on the idea . " Loneliness crept into her spirit at the thought of going back without them . " What happens if I don 't ? What happens if Mom vetoes the idea ? Will you guys come back to the dorms ? " Gabe went with his mother to church on Sunday , but the persistent fog draped over his whole life like a heavy curtain . What the readings were about , what the sermon was about , he had no idea . When they walked out , people stopped his mom and asked if they needed anything . Gabe hung back , trying to disappear . These were his mother 's friends , not his . The conversation with Rosa was longer than Gabe 's nerves could take . Finally , he leaned down to his mother . " I 'll be in the car . " He had to search in the far corners of his mind for the answer . " I guess so . " Not an ounce of him wanted to think about that . " I 'll be in the car . " His mother nodded , and he fled . It was strange . Just a couple short months ago , he was worried about what classes he would be taking in the fall . Now , school , work , life - all of it seemed way outside his grasp . He got in the car that was working better than it had in years . That might have been due to the 14 hours he 'd spent beating it into submission over the course of the last week . If he wasn 't with his mother , attending to things that needed dealt with , he was working on the car . It was a channel for his frustration with everything else . Unfortunately , now it felt like a cage , a trap . He sat there , watching his mother talk with Rosa , praying she would hurry up and simultaneously hoping she never quit talking . Why that was , he couldn 't clearly tell , but it was how he felt . Only a few more minutes and she turned and started for the car . She got in , and he put the car in drive . They were out of the parking lot and in the sparse traffic when she glanced at him . " So , you are going back to work tomorrow ? " His mother nodded more with her eyes than with her head . She didn 't want him to leave , but he didn 't know how not to . Even with his working , they might well have a tough time making it . And that was if he didn 't go back to school . The ride home was silent , and once home , Gabe went straight to his room . How could a person be so tired and not have done anything all day ? He flopped onto the bed and arched his knee , laying his wrist on his eyes . For a split second he considered calling Holly , but with a punch he knocked that thought away . She didn 't want to hear from him . Worse , he knew one note of her voice could crack his resolve in two . How he would ever face her tomorrow was beyond his comprehension . Trying not to think about that , he stood and went to the desk . His new schedule for classes , unopened , lay on the desk . Heavily he sat down on the little chair and opened it . Fifteen hours , hours that would take him that much closer to his ultimate goal . The sigh sliced through his heart . Who was he kidding ? He couldn 't make this work . School was too far from work . Work was too far from school . He couldn 't do both , and there was only one his mother needed him to do . With a slow blink , he took the sheaves , crumpled them , and let them fall into the wastebasket next to the desk . There was no feeling left as he stood , walked back to his bed , and lay down . All he wanted to do was sleep , yes , to sleep forever . Maybe then this claustrophobic existence would be bearable , but he doubted it . The chairs were long gone as were the lights . Still , Holly spent every morning in the garden , weeding and praying . It was all she could think to do . He hadn 't been back to work . That much she was sure of , but when he would come back and how she would react when he did , was anybody 's guess . It had been a full week of wondering , worrying and praying . " Hey , " Gabe said , trying not to make his entrance anything remarkable . He walked straight through the work shop office to the filing cabinet . It was difficult to remember how to do this . It took Darius a moment to understand the shift . " Oh , well . I was going to send Tim over to do the pool , but since you 're here … " Gabe took a drink , tasting nothing . " I think I 'm going to take the mower into the shop in town . I 'm tired of that dragging blade . " " Yeah . I guess somebody had better get it done . " The impossibility of finding the right words crawled over Gabe . He needed to get out of here . " I 'll just get it loaded . " At half past two Holly saw the movement out the back window , and her heart jumped into her throat . Knowing she shouldn 't , she went to the living room doors and peered out . However , her spirit fell at the sight of Tim patiently skimming the pool . He looked up and caught her watching . There was a soft smile and a wave . She couldn 't be mean . Everything in her wanted to ask , but she wasn 't sure she should . She didn 't want to tip the guys off to how worried she really was . After all , they weren 't together . What right did she have to be worried ? However , she was out here , and she did want to know . " So , did Gabriel come in today ? " Holly lifted her chin in understanding . " Oh . Okay . Well , I was just wondering … in case they ask when they call . " The middle of her heart ached . He was back at work , yet he hadn 't come this morning . " Well , I 'll let you get back to work . " What else could she do ? With everything in him , Gabe wanted to go by the carriage house after work . Just looking at the mansion all day had been more than his heart could take . The thought that she was so close but so unbelievably far away was enough to overload every circuit in his brain . Knowing that going , risking that she might be there and that she might not was a bad idea , he turned the pickup out of the front gates and headed home . His mother needed him at home anyway . He didn 't have time for silly things like reading anymore . Holly waited for him , hoping and wondering , but by the time her watch said eleven o ' clock , she knew he wasn 't coming . She 'd never been more alone in her life , and that was saying something . It was truly , truly a good thing for God . Had it not been for Him , she hated to think what she might have done to compensate for feeling like no one in the world cared whether she lived or died . She closed the heavy door and wrapped her arms over herself . " God , please be with Gabriel . Please show him Your love . Please show him You have his future in Your hands . " Gabe was hunched over a bowl of Cheerios the next morning . The sun wasn 't up , but he had no intention of moving until it was . Besides he liked the dark . It felt like not living . In the dark he didn 't have to face how bleak his life had become , how scared he now was with his father gone , how lonely he was with her gone . Even God seemed very , very far away . That hurt , but he could see no way to remedy it . He thought about going to the loft later to get something to read , but what good would that do ? It wouldn 't change anything . All it would do is show him how many stupid , worthless dreams he 'd let himself get sucked into believing . Gabe could take no more . As if he 'd just come in from the outside , he walked in and flipped the tool belt to the chair . Both gazes went to him . He felt them , but self - defense wouldn 't let him acknowledge them . He nailed Tim with one glance . " I thought you were going to mow . " Gabe 's fist curled tight . He thought about making up some stupid excuse , but that took too much energy . " Because she deserves better . Look at me . I 'm a two - bit maintenance guy who just had his future handed to him in a casket . " " This isn 't you , Gabe . " The slow words from his friend startled him into listening . " This isn 't the guy I 've worked with for three years , the one who was going to the top , who wasn 't going to let anything stop him . What 's going on ? Is it your dad ? " Gabe set his jaw and shook his head . " I 'm going to help Tim . I need to see if that mower 's any better . " He headed out . He didn 't need a psychoanalyst to tell him life stunk . As Holly sat in the loft on Thursday night , she wondered where he was , how he was doing , what he was doing . Okay , so he didn 't want to be together with her . What was the harm in being friends ? Was that really so awful ? Would it kill him to stop in and say hi ? Logic told her he was hurting too badly to do that , but the knife of knowing he was avoiding her hurt more than she had thought it would . There were moments when even breathing hurt , moments when she would 've given anything to be with him in the garden again . But then her head would take over , reminding her that sooner or later this would 've come . He just spared them both the pain when she went back to Boston . She curled onto the couch , the book in her hand . Sleep began to drift over her eyes . She didn 't want to go back to that big , empty house . It was creepy . The dark shadows seemed to lie in wait for her , ready to pounce if she ever let her guard down . At least here the light could stay on , and nobody would know . With that thought she let sleep take her all the way down . Gabe was in the office , trying to make sense of the fall pruning information . He 'd never really thought he 'd be here past August , and now it seemed he might be here forever . He hated sending them out to do jobs he should be overseeing , but too much work and too much likelihood that he 'd run into her at the house kept him right here in this seat . " Good , I guess . " Tim put the wrench up on the wall . " I think being up at the house by herself has kind of freaked her out though . She told me she 's been sleeping in the … loft ? " It was the height of insane , but Gabe could take it no longer . He jumped from the desk , went to the filing cabinet , and grabbed the receipts . She needed the receipts and the bill for the chairs which he still hadn 't dealt with . He strode out and through the workshop . " I 'll be back . " " I 've got to turn these receipts in up at the house . " He knew there was a glance between them , but he pushed that away . They could think whatever they wanted . All he cared about was making sure she was okay . That was all . Holly heard the doorbell , and questioning concern snapped into her . Luke and her mother weren 't due for another five hours at least . Her ears picked out the voices at the front door . Rosa , and who ? She tried to make it out , but it was too muffled . Then she heard the footsteps coming down the hall toward her office . She stood , and halfway up , Rosa appeared in the doorway . " Uh , sure . What is it ? " Gazing at the doorway , she had the sensation of hoping the chair would catch her shock . Behind Rosa , Gabriel appeared , gaze down . His glances up told her he didn 't want to be here even now . Holly stuffed all the fear , pain , and anger down as she resumed her seat . " Oh , it 's okay , Rosa . Thanks . " Gabriel took a hesitant step forward as Holly pulled professional to her . " Umm , we got this bill down at the work shop . " He held up a letter . " I didn 't know if you wanted to pay it or if we should . " So , this was only about business . That swept the net from under her , but she fought off the stabbing pain in her heart . She held her hand out for it . " What is it ? " He stepped closer to her desk , and she noticed how cautious he looked . He reached up and scratched the side of his head and then held out the letter . " It 's for the chairs from the wedding . I mean I can pay it … if you want . " " Okay . " He handed it to her , and just the close proximity of his hand to hers clutched her . The transfer made , he didn 't move , didn 't even really back up . The fact that he was so close was stifling to her . She opened the bill , looked at it without seeing it , and stuffing it back into the envelope , she looked up . " Is there something else ? " " Yeah . " He stopped , obviously not remembering what that something was . He seemed so scattered , so ill - composed . " Oh , yeah . The receipts . " He looked down and dug in his pocket . " There aren 't as many this time . " Holly nodded , wishing he would just leave already . This was worse than him being gone , knowing how much he didn 't want to be here . " Is that it ? " She hated how prickly her tone sounded , but she couldn 't stop the hurt in her from winding through them . He couldn 't even look at her . There was a nod , but still he didn 't move . A second , two , three . She was about to ask again when he started . " I 'm … uh , I was wondering if you wanted paid . " He stuck his hands in his back pocket , and his gaze was solidly on the floor . " For picking up the chairs and stuff . " He glanced up . " The guys told me what you did . " " Oh , " she laughed softly . " That was nothing . I was just out … in the garden . " Why did that feel like admitting all the things she couldn 't tell him ? How she wished she could turn that part off as easily as he had . Then she realized she didn 't want to turn it off . Right or wrong , she cared . It was impossible to even pretend that she didn 't . Gabriel never really moved , only stood there desperately trying to get himself to get out of that office . But he couldn 't . All he wanted was to talk to her for another moment and then another . His heart was screaming at him to do something , something so he wouldn 't lose her again or something so it would be over for good . But he couldn 't take this - this being there with her but not . Her gaze slid up to him . He felt it . Oh , to get his feet to move . All he wanted to do was run far and fast . Get away from her , away from this once upon a time that could never be . Why couldn 't he move ? " Oh ? Me ? I 'm fine . " He tried to laugh it off , but it seared every part of him . He shrugged , which didn 't help either . " Back to work . You know ? It 's fine . " He swallowed hard . " I 'm not … I … " He slammed his eyes closed to keep the tide back , but it rose with frightening velocity , overtaking the wall he 'd carefully built . The breath came in short shivering puffs . " Work 's a little rough , catching up and everything , but besides that … " Softness graced the depths of her eyes . " Gabriel . This is me . Holly . You don 't have to put on the nicey - nice face and pretend with me . " She came around the desk to where he stood by the door . Six inches from him , she tilted her head to look at him . " It 's all right , you know ? You don 't have to be Superman with this . Everybody gets scared . This would 've knocked the props out from under me , but you don 't have to do this alone . Let your friends help . They care . " " Yeah , and that 's why you haven 't been out to the garden or up to the loft in two weeks , that 's why Tim 's doing the pool , and Darius is worried out of his mind . Gabriel , listen to me , you don 't have to carry the world on your shoulders like this . You don 't . Let us help . " " Yes , us . What ? Do you think I don 't care anymore ? Good grief . Tim is getting tired of giving me updates . I care about you , okay ? I do . Is that a crime ? " He wanted it to be . It would be so much easier that way . If she was mad and never wanted to see him again , yes , that would be much better . This was impossible . " You need a break . " Her gaze searched his . " You need some time to yourself . Why don 't you come out to the loft tonight ? Just for a little while . " His brain remembered Tim saying something about her and the loft , but he couldn 't exactly remember what that was . " I don 't … I need to get home . " " I know . She needs you . And you need somebody too . You don 't have to do this alone , Gabriel . You don 't . If you won 't talk to me , then talk to Darius or Tim , but don 't crawl in a hole and give up . " Passion twined through her words . " Don 't do what I did , don 't give up . Okay ? You have too much good to give to the world . " He felt like all the good he 'd ever get done had already passed him by . " I 've got to get back down to the shop . They 're going to think I left . " Gabe nodded although he didn 't let her words get all the way to his heart . However , instead of letting him leave , Holly inexplicably stepped up to him and put her arms around his shoulders . That gesture was enough to collapse the dikes holding back the flood of emotion . He had to get away . " No . Okay . I 'm fine . " He backed out of her arms and away from her . When he was gone , Holly closed her eyes as the pain in his eyes mixed with the pain in her soul . " Well , that went well . " Knowing nothing else to do , she said a prayer and went back to work . " Do you mind explaining this to me ? " she asked , and Gabe turned at the anger in her tone . He caught one look at the crumpled papers and turned back for the microwave . " I found these in your trash can . " Hurt and anger pulled her face down into a scowl . " That 's not funny . You are , too going back . I 'm not letting you throw your life away . " Pushing numbness over all the hurt , Gabe stabbed into the macaroni and cheese . " You need me . I can 't do that and work too . " He took a bite that he didn 't taste . Then she did something he 'd never before seen . She pulled herself up to her full five foot , three inches , put her hands on her hips , and stuck out her chin . " What do you think ? That I can 't get a job ? I 'll have you know I worked many years before you showed up on the planet and many more after you showed up too . " He wanted to argue , but he couldn 't clearly tell how far he would have to go to convince her , and starting down that road was scary . " It 's okay , Mama . Really . You don 't have to worry about getting a job . I 've got one . " Frustration poured through the overwhelming exhaustion . " No , I 'm not . I know where my place is . It 's here … with you . End of story . " He slid his empty plate to the counter . He was tired of fighting , of defending himself , and explaining everything again and again . This was his fate , he 'd accepted it . Why was that so hard for everyone else to get ? " I 'm going to my room . " Her gaze was firm with only a hint of soft . " What is up with you these days ? You are walking around here like a zombie , biting people 's heads off , and being more stubborn than I 've ever seen you . This isn 't you . " Lord , how many times did they have to point that out ? He took a breath to calm the desire to scream at her . Slowly he turned , and the sadness in his heart wouldn 't let his gaze hold hers . " Look , I get it . Okay ? I do , and I 'm trying to make the best of it if you all would just leave me alone . " He snatched the papers out of her hands , crumpled them up , and fired them at the trashcan . " It 's over for me . I get that . End of dream . Stop making this so hard . " And he spun and stomped out . In his room he closed the door and flipped the lock . He should take a shower , but he didn 't care enough to do that at the moment . Instead he fell on his bed and willed the tears away from him . The dream was gone . He didn 't even care about it anymore . Why did everyone insist on reminding him of what could never be ? It was getting really , really old . Holly had slipped out long before . They were home again . In a way it was nice . In a way it was not . She sat in the loft , trying to put all the pieces of their talk together . Gabriel had been a rock before his dad 's death . He 'd even been moving them forward . She remembered the almost kiss just before the whole world had blown apart . Confidence and hope had been his hallmarks . Now there was only despair and fear . Fear . It was the thing she saw in his eyes most . If she could just talk to him and if he would just talk to her , maybe they could find a way to erase that fear . A memory snapped into her . She closed her eyes . " Fear . " She spoke the word out loud . " You must leave Gabriel by the Holy Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ . You are banished from anywhere around Gabriel . Heavenly angels , take up position , surround Gabriel morning , noon , and night . Do not let fear or any of Satan 's other tools get close to Gabriel . Keep him safe . Amen . " The next morning she prayed and the next . By Friday she had sent so many demons away from her and from him that she felt like a warrior in battle . She couldn 't be at all sure any of it was helping . Darius was still worried , and Tim had come to clean the pool again . She hadn 't seen Gabriel at all . She was deep in the middle of another prayer when the small woman turned the corner into her office at midday . " Oh ! " Holly stood up the moment she realized who it was . " Mrs . Cabrelos . I … is everything all right ? " Compassion and fear spun around her mind 's track at breakneck speed . Holly noticed the clutch on her purse and wished they could find some common ground so they wouldn 't feel so much like adversaries . " Oh , of course . " She sat , but not without hesitation . She hit the intercom button . " Mrs . Cabrelos is here to see you , Sir . " Luke stood from his desk and came around to greet the older lady . There was a warmth that permeated everything he did . " Renita , please come on in . " His glance at Holly snagged her attention . " Thank you , Holly . If you 'll please close the door . " " Yes , Sir . " She stepped out and did as instructed . She wondered what was going on , what Mrs . Cabrelos was doing here . But then again , it was probably to be expected . After all she was getting things in order from the death of her husband , finalizing the work issues was to be expected . Holly went back to work and was in serious concentration over a letter 20 minutes later when the door snapped open . She looked up , forgetting for a moment who it was . They stepped out , and she re - anchored her gaze on the computer screen wishing she could disappear . " Oh , sure . No problem . " Holly struggled for composure . There were so many questions she wanted to ask . Mrs . Cabrelos sitting down in front of her desk did nothing for her nerves . She slipped out the paperwork and pushed it across the desk . " If you 'll just fill this out . " She tried to get back to writing the letter , but that didn 't work at all . Instead , she kept looking over to the lady , bent over the application . After several minutes of watching while pretending not to , she was startled when the lady pushed the paper back to her . " You 're welcome . " How badly she wanted to ask , wanted to know if he was living even at home , but she couldn 't get the words out . With the barest of shakes , Mrs . Cabrelos turned and left . For the first time in weeks and weeks , all Holly wanted to do was get on a plane and go back to Boston . Boston . She 'd never called Rebecca back . Her gaze fell to the calendar . The 28th . She needed to ask so her friends could make a decision . But the thought of asking made her stomach queasy . Hoping he wouldn 't be mad , she walked to the office door . " Luke ? " Holly walked across the room but didn 't sit down . Once again the net disappeared . " Umm , I 've been meaning to ask you . " Slowly she laid out the case for the new apartment . He listened , patiently through the whole story . Then they came to the yes or no part . She wanted to run so badly her feet wouldn 't stay still . That put her back . She couldn 't even really look at him . " Well , yeah . That was the plan . I was only here for the summer . " " Here ? " The word hurt . No , she wanted to get away from here . Here where thoughts of Gabriel were everywhere . At least in Boston , she might be able to get a new start . " Umm , no . I really want to go back . " Again he nodded only now he narrowed his gaze at her as if to divine the bottom of her motivation . " And what about Gabriel ? Where does he fit into all of this ? " " Gabriel ? " She had to swallow to get the name out . " Umm , we 're not … He 's not … " Why was that so hard to say ? " I see . You do know he is trying to find his new path now . " The statement hung there for a moment . " When my father died , I struggled for a long time to come to grips with where that left me . It was a very difficult time in my life . " She considered that . Finally she breathed and shook her head . " I don 't think I 'm right for Gabriel anyway . Maybe if I 'm not here , he can get back on a good track , find his legs again . " She shrugged . " I don 't know . All I know is he won 't have anything to do with me anymore - even as a friend . " Forget ? That would be impossible . Her heart curled around the thought . " No . I 'll never forget about him , but I have to let him make his own decision , and he 's made it . If his life doesn 't include me , then it doesn 't include me , and somehow I have to let that go and move on . I don 't want to , but … " She shook her head . " It 's okay . If you don 't want to help me with the apartment … " Holly 's heart swelled to overflowing . " Really ? Oh , thank you , Luke . Thank you so much . I promise you won 't regret this . " Her mother 's gaze could 've melted steel . " How nice of you , Luke . What are you going to do to pay him back , Holly ? " " Oh , s - sure . " Her feet carried her back across the room although she had no idea how . Out in her office , she closed the door . She didn 't know whether to be happy or sad , ecstatic or crushed . So she wasn 't any of them . She simply pushed it all away and went back to work . " For the love of Pete , Gabe . " His mother walked into the kitchen on Friday evening and stopped at the sight . " You have got to get out of this house . " " Not work . " Gabriel 's mother hovered over the table where he sat , scooping through the two - day - old enchiladas on his plate although he wasn 't eating any of them . " Why don 't you call some of your friends from school ? Maybe you could go out with them . Do something . Go bowling . Anything . " She planted her hands on her hips . The determined look was back . " You can 't sit here all weekend by yourself again . I 'm going to work tomorrow , and I 'm not leaving you here like this . " Work . Oh , yeah . The bombshell she 'd dropped on him the day before . The creeping fingers of failure 's icy grip crawled up him . His dad would be furious . It had to be some record somewhere . He hadn 't even been able to keep his mother out of the poorhouse for a month . He was a miserable failure of a son to both parents , and he knew it . He stood . " I 'm tired . " Holly stopped short at the sound of the voice . It was Saturday morning , and she was headed to the kitchen for coffee . However , she knew that voice , and it stopped her with a thwack . " All he does is come home , eat , and sleep . Sometimes I don 't know if anything 's even getting in anymore . I haven 't seen him like this since Taran 's trial . It scares me to death . I do not want to go down that path again . I almost lost him once , I can 't lose him now . Not like this . " " That 's all I do anymore , but I don 't know if it 's helping at all . Now he 's decided not to go back to school . He thinks he 's got to stay here and take care of me . I love him for that , but it 's not what 's best for him . But do you think I can convince him of that ? No matter what I say , he just looks at me with those blank eyes and walks away . I can 't let him throw away his future , but what do I say when he won 't listen ? " Holly 's feet pushed forward . Although she really felt like standing to listen more , eavesdropping was rude . She walked into the kitchen , and the conversation stopped . " Good morning . Oh , don 't mind me . " She poured her own coffee and went to the door . " I 'll just be out in the garden if anyone needs me . " Once outside her spirit started going through her options . Gabriel was in trouble . Serious trouble . And one way or the other she was going to stop him from jumping even if she had to tackle him to do it . It was the least she could do . Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . View all posts by Staci Stallings → This entry was posted in A Light in the Darkness , Novels and tagged A Light in the Darkness , Christian Romance , Fiction , YA . Bookmark the permalink . ← A Light in the Darkness , Ch . 15 & 16 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Hello dear readers ! Sorry I didn 't post yesterday , and it is late tonight . Jerry wanted my attention when I finally got home after a whole month away , so I didn 't get to even turn this computer on last night . Today , my store manager from Oklahoma City is here to help PREaudit our store for an accreditation audit coming soon . She is spending the night here tonight , so we have been visiting and talking . She just went to bed , so I came back upstairs to do a quick blog post . I want to buy some herbs and some pretty plants and put them in all the planters around my house . Have been gone so much the last year , that most died . And what good are a bunch of herbs when you aren 't here to harvest and use them ? I really want to start eating healthier . Lots of vegetables and less meat and potatoes . Both of us need to lose our ring - around - the - tummy ! I have 500 cookbooks , and I 'm sure several of them have to do with healthy eating . I need to dig out a few recipes that look like they might be tastier than cardboard and try them . Remember when Woks were all the rage ? Weren 't they about cooking healthy ? I know you used lots of vegies and rice . I know I 've purchased at least one Wok in my life , but I have no idea where it is now . I 'm sure a big frying pan will suffice ! Guess I better get downstairs and get into bed . I have to go into the store and work with on accreditation tomorrow while my store manager is here . I told her if she will find what needs fixin ' - - I will fix it ! Hence , I should probably get some sleep . You can see our " yard " there in front of the new grass . NO WONDER Bootsy likes it better ! The other cat , Barney - - named after Barney Fife because he was neutered as a newborn kitten and that makes a cat scrawny - - decided he was suddenly in love with my leg which was covered in black knit pants . I came in the house and looked like I was turning into a Werewolf ! I had hair on my face , my hands , my pant legs and in between . Good grief ! When will they quit shedding ? ! I better get busy doing something . Not sure what yet . It is Saturday . Seems like I should go to Hancock Fabrics for some reason . If I buy any more fabric , I 'll have to rent a storage building . Maybe I 'll go get some buttons for my new red blouse . Here is a pic again in case you have forgotten . The part in the pic is what is in the trash now . The sleeves are still good , and I will save them for the remake . I was able to find MORE of the pretty fabric that I tossed in the trash yesterday . Jerry was very upset when he heard I had messed up that blouse , so I searched and searched for some more fabric . I did NOT get it from Gorgeousfabrics . com as I thought . It came from Helen Enox Fabrics right here in Oklahoma City . They were so nice to find it for me from a picture and mail it to me . Fortunately , they still had some ! Do you see that part hanging out under the armhole over there on the right side of the picture . I decided that needed to be taken in and serged off . Well , guess what ? I need it back ! Too bad . It wasn 't like that just on Lucy - - it was like that on me too . I guess the sleeve would have sucked it all in . Instead of a picture of my flounce blouse on me , you will get a picture of NOTHING because my pretty almost - finished new blouse ended up in the trash . I messed it up . I don 't know if you can EVER have enough sewing experience to not screw up a project . It is why I don 't like to buy really expensive fabric . Lesson learned - - well let 's say RElearned for the zillionth time - - always make a muslin of a new design , pattern , style - - whatever you want to call it . So here it is Friday night , and I am all alone . Can 't go home until Sunday for the craziest , but valid reason : The trash goes out Sunday night to be picked up Monday morning . One of the hassles of having two homes . I 'll put it out early Sunday and head back to our real home where Jerry is waiting for me . Mr . and Mrs . Boo Bear will be coming the next weekend for three days , so I want to get prepared for their visit . That should be a pure delight ! She loves to cook , so maybe I will have some help in the kitchen . We will actually go out onto the lake we live by ! That will be something new and different . We used to drive 2 1 / 2 hours at least two Friday nights a month to go to the lake with the kids when they were growing up . We would stay until I threatened divorce late Sunday evening when my husband just HAD to stay a little longer for one of two reasons : Many times we would get home at midnight or later with two sleeping girls and a truck full of stuff that had to be washed , cleaned , emptied , filled , dried out and / or put away . Then we both had to be at work at 8 AM the next day . I used to do this because I thought it was what a good wife did . After we had been married for a loooooooooong time , I finally told Jerry , " I don 't CARE if you love me , hate me , or couldn 't care less either way , but I am NEVER going camping again , and I am NEVER coming home late Sunday night again ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We 've been married 37 years now , so I guess it wasn 't that big of deal - - or maybe I had waited long enough to explode . I don 't know how many times we arrived late Friday night at some campground and had to PUT UP our tent . Then when we left Sunday night , we had to TAKE DOWN our tent . Then when we got home much later that night we had to PUT UP the tent in our yard until it dried out because it had rained all weekend ! Catching some fish just never was worth all that work to me . Good heavens ! ! ! We could have gone to the Fish Market and bought every fish there for less money than we spent going camping ! This is really true . I learned it years ago at a marriage seminar our church put on . Jerry and I both went to it . This information REALLY helped me . It certainly made me realize what Jerry 's main problem was - - other than ME - - and that was just that he was a male . There are exceptions to this , of course . I have known some VERY strange husbands married to my friends or fellow workers . My personal assistant 's husband comes to the store and FEELS THE ENGINE OF HER CAR to see if she left the store at lunch time to go have an affair . BAZAAR ! ! ! ! I better go . Jerry isn 't here to get our cats in the garage for the night , so I have to do it . We bribe them in with a plate of tuna fish or chicken broth . Otherwise , they just don 't think they should have to be bothered coming when we call . Whatever . Jerry wouldn 't consider my letting the cats disappear just another " event " , I assure you ! He would be VERY upset with me ! I am still finishing up my Fabulous Fit transactions . They finally decided to try to shut up my griping by sending me another pole and base . The pole was supposed to allow me to tilt the dress form forward , but it doesn 't . It is just like the other pole insofar as that . The new pole had one big advantage , however , and that was a much , much nicer base that you stick the pole into . I don 't understand why they didn 't send that one to start with . I had to return the original pole and base so I got it all packed up with Jerry 's help before he left town . Two big boxes have been sitting in my entryway now for 3 days . Fabulous Fit was to send FedEx TODAY to pick up these boxes . I have been here in the house all day long waiting for FedEx . You KNOW as well as I do , if I had DARED to leave to do any of those things , FedEx would have pulled in here the second I drove away ! Since I had to wait , I have been working on my new red blouse all day . I haven 't been able to try it on myself though because you KNOW what would have happened the second I stripped off my clothes and put on the buttonless , sleeveless blouse . FedEx would have shown up ! Okay , I can quit worrying about FedEx - - the guy just showed up . I told him to be very careful because the one box was very heavy . He picked the thing up and threw it up on his shoulder ! ! ! He grabbed the other package which contained the pole , and off he went . I guess I am a SUPER weakling ! NOW that he is gone , I 'm going to go try on my new blouse . If it doesn 't look too awful - - the fit that is - - I will snap a pic . Be back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Okay , I 'm back . The blouse was VERY big for some reason . I measured my bottom real quick to see if I had lost a few inches - - but , no - - it is still 42 inches no matter how I try to suck it up . Maybe it is the slinky material . I 'm using SFD 's blueprint , but I usually only sew with 100 % cotton . This slinky stuff grows , I think . Maybe pics tomorrow if I decide to stay another day . I 'm going to dinner with Margaret tonight . I need to go home tomorrow , but I don 't know if I 'll make it . Still need to run those errands . Maybe I 'll stay for one more lunch with Phylly . We shall see . I 'll take a pic of Lucy IF I get her in the car ! That should be a hoot ! My goodness ! Some days have so many issues . Nothing serious . Just little irritations . Like the internet not working AGAIN for the thousandth time . We 've only had it three weeks , and I think it breaks down at least once every day , and sometimes many times a day . I call for the wonderful so - called " service " , and it is like all the others . Push a 1 - - push a 2 - - hold forever - - push something else - - get disconnected - - scream - - start all over again . Then you get someone who doesn 't know what they are doing . AT & T has taught all the techs to say " I 'm Sorry " and " We Apologize " at least once every 2 minutes . I was on the phone for TWO WHOLE HOURS this morning . I kid you not . I finally insisted that my husband babysit the phone while we were on hold so I could run in and take a quick shower . When I got out of the shower , we were still on hold . The girl who was trying very unsuccessfully to help me finally went higher up the ladder . Those people couldn 't help me either , so they FINALLY agreed to send a tech to my house between 12 and 4 today . Since then , I have had two phone calls telling me the problem is fixed and nobody is coming . I assured them the problem WASN ' T fixed , and somebody better show up . Our other service , which was cable , may have been a bit slower , but it was dependable . Jerry couldn 't even work here this morning and had to go to our store to borrow a computer . I have made these calls three times myself , and Jerry made one . Absurd ! So all that began at 7 : 30 am this morning . After the 2 - hour call , and after Jerry left , I started sewing on my pretty new Sure - fit Designs Leaflet # 9 blouse . I sat down to sew the ruffle to the front , and I turned the stitch length up to 3 as Peggy advises us to do . For some reason , my computer decided to sew the tightest stitch known to man - - teeny , tiny , close - together stitches . I could NOT rip them out if I had to . I turned the length all the way up , and it still sewed itsy bitsy stitches . When I sewed BACKwards though , the stitches were fine . How NUTTY ! I called Robert at Bernina who is a VERY NICE service tech and will actually help you on the phone if he can . YES ! Great service there ! I need to send him a fruitcake for Christmas . Does ANYONE actually EAT those things ! ? Robert told me to set my machine on the mending stitch and just sew with it for about 2 minutes . Bless his heart ! He was right . It worked . Somehow , it unjammed whatever was going on in the feeddog area . Before Jerry left this morning he called me outside to look at our fence . Somebody hammered 5 inch nails into thin air so , naturally , all 5 have pulled out . I am waiting for the fence people to show up to fix that also today . And the lawn guy and his spanish - only crew are here working in our yard . Very nice people if you could just talk to them ! I say " Hola " and " Gracias " a lot to them . They are hauling rock in today to put on the side of our house where the sun refuses to shine . We have been growing a crop of dirt over there for 7 years ! They are also hauling dirt in to other areas of the lawn and then putting sod on top of that . AND , Phylly came here to have lunch with me awhile ago ! A rather exciting day , really . Don 't usually have any visitors . I better get back to my new blouse so I can show you pictures . Here is the front with one ruffle sewn on and one pinned on . The bust darts aren 't sewn in yet . How AWESOME is this dress form ! ? I am enjoying it so much . I wish I could have avoided all the hassle involved , but I am very happy that it all turned out to be something I really like . I better get back to it . I seem to be in a " red " season . I think I bought at least 3 more reds yesterday from Gorgeousfabrics . com . I heard somewhere that ruffles are all the rage right now , so that is why I 'm putting ruffles to the extent that I can stand them on this blouse . I don 't really care what the current " in thing " is . I wear what I like on my body . Wishing you all a marvelous day ! I received an email from Gorgeous Fabrics saying ALL the knits are 25 % off today ! I love their knit so I hurried over to see what they had . So many really pretty ones . I think I narrowed my choice down to 8 of them . Now that I have learned all the tricks of how to sew slinky stuff , I want to have a closet full of pretty rayon knit blouses . I should be back home at our real house in a few days , and then I can start with mass - production ! Trying to figure out how to get Lucy ( my dress form ) down there isn 't easy . Jerry has that little van , but it has a giant wheelchair in it . Lucy takes up a lot of room . I wish her legs bent . Then I could just put her in the passenger seat and she would look like a person - - well , maybe not - - she doesn 't have a head . Maybe I could glue one of those wig heads on her and put a big floppy hat on it . Then I might be able to lay her in the back seat , and it would look like she was taking a nap or something . Of course her feetless legs might have to stick out an open window . That might be a bit of a problem . OH , I KNOW - - I could put my high heel boots on her , and then it would look perfectly normal . Ha ! We are in Kingfisher again today . Jerry signed a contract with a realtor a while ago . Then we went to lunch at my favorite little restaurant , the City Cafe . Homemade apple pie today . Awesome ! I ate a piece and brought the last piece they had home for later . Now , I am sleepy and would love to lie down on this couch and take a nap . Jerry is still fixing stuff . I can 't stop him . Whoever buys this house is getting a great deal . They may want to replace the countertops , but other than that , I don 't know what would be needed . If I can figure out HOW , I 'll post some pics of my Gorgeous On Sale Knit Fabric purchases . My order didn 't go through the first time , so I went back to redo it and somehow , some more fabric jumped into my bag ! I 'll have to share with Phylly . These are all from Gorgeousfabrics . com and are all rayon knits . Jerry is excited I am sewing with something that isn 't COTTON from Hancock 's . He says my blouses all look alike and are so casual . Well , I 'm a casual girl . I HATE to dress up . Would like to make a lot more yoga pants though to go with all these pretty tops . The other pieces are solids . Something else I seldom make . I better go . Got to start packing up the pole and base I am returning to Fabulous Fit . Not sure HOW I 'm going to do that , so need to get started . What a nice four days this has been . Jerry would not agree at all , but TO ME , we have been on vacation . Jerry has been out in the yard working - - we 've had to go to Ace Hardware several times - - we 've gone out to lunch and out to dinner - - he is sleeping on two blown up air mattresses , one on top of the other , and most of the house is empty . I am sleeping in the only bed remaining in the house which is a single electric bed . To me , it is like camping out in luxury . The phone NEVER rings here , and his cell phone didn 't ring even once yesterday ! We shoveled and raked and filled heavy trash bags with dead stuff and broken bricks . He sprayed weeds with Round - Up as I went behind him pulling them out of the ground . He told me I was crazy . I was happy he was OUTSIDE doing anything besides sitting at his computer working . I have cleaned and cleaned and cleaned , fixed areas that required paint touch - up , vacuumed carpet fuzzies up all over the house , done laundry , washed windows and sills , cooked hot dogs and beans and done various other duties INCLUDING breaking the pull - up thingy on the cheap faucet we put in the bathroom last summer . I didn 't WANT the cheap faucet , but in this little town , it was all we could find that would fit in the sink holes . Another fix - it job for tomorrow which means MAYBE I 'll get to have my husband one more day here in the sunny vacation paradise of Kingfisher , OK ! It is 8 : 20 AM , and Jerry is still in bed ! ! ! He is usually up at 5 AM working at his computer in his underwear . I went in a minute ago and layed down next to him to shnuggy him . I asked him if he was going to sleep until noon . He said , " I might ! " I had to get up because I heard the air mattress shift , and I was afraid it was going to explode under my delicate frame ! This TRULY is a vacation ! Pastor Hagee 's son , Matthew , preached today . Very good , as always . He preached that Help Is On The Way - - I would have changed the title to " Help Is ALREADY Here ! " , but then he didn 't ask my opinion on that . The message was " peace through strength " - - not " peace through compromising with terrorists " . Jesus already gave us all the power and tools and instructions we need to defeat evil in our lives . Problem is , most don 't even know there IS an instruction manual , and those that do couldn 't tell you anything that is in it , never mind actually APPLY it to their lives . ( That is my little sermon note - - not Matthew 's . ) Matthew said , " God does not associate with terrorists , and God is NOT a pacifist " ! " What Jesus did while he was here , you can do right now . " ( I know that is in John 14 . ) " Peace is a biproduct of DUTY " . " God is not our Butler , He is our Commander in Chief ! " Matthew said that the divorce rate is approaching 70 % . How awful . He said couples just separate and walk away from a conflict rather than dealing with it . I sure did NOT inherit that gene ! I will fight like a tiger to get across my point in a conflict , and I will do all I can to get the other person to do the same ! I always tell Jerry , " You HAVE to communicate ! ! ! " Our daughters response to any conflict is , " I don 't want to talk about it . " You sure won 't ever get anything resolved that way . Just a few years ago I had a relationship with a woman that I thought would be my friend for life . I loved her dearly , and we talked , emailed or had lunch every day , and we got together for dinner at least once a week . I thought we were best buds and would be forever . I could tell her almost anything . Problem was , she couldn 't tell me anything . She got upset with me over a big piece of stupid I did , and she just ERASED me from her life . HOW does someone do that ? If it had been the other way around , I would have simply gone to her and said , " What is your PROBLEMO lady ? WHY did you say that ? WHY did you do that ? " But , no . Nothing . Total avoidance . And when I see her , it is like torture to me . I literally get sick to my stomach , and I am afraid - - afraid to be me . I tried for years to act like everything was okay - - like before - - but she was soooooooooooo cold and so standoffish . I don 't know how to be like that . I am a wide open book . I say what I think , and I think what I say - - to a fault , at times , for sure - - but to me , that is better than living a lie . Isn 't a friendship WORTH some communication and above all , forgiveness ? It 's a dagger in my heart to have lost such a dear friend , but then again , I guess she really wasn 't , was she . I have to give that pain to God and pray he helps me learn how to deal with it . If I could just LEARN - - once and for all ! - - how to be PERFECT and never do anything wrong - - maybe these things wouldn 't happen to me . It is a GORGEOUS day , and after typing that last bit , I realize that the reason I am so happy AWAY from home is because of that exact issue . I am always in fear of running into her . I want to run over and hug her and play like nothing ever happened - - but then , I suddenly remember that she doesn 't like me anymore , and I freeze . I 'm going to enjoy what may be the last day of our vacation , and I 'm going to Thank God all day long for loyal friends like Phylly , Margaret and Deanna . They overlook my many faults , and they just love me anyway . Last night , Jerry and I went down the street to have dinner with his Mother who lives at Countrywood Assisted Living Center . We called ahead and asked to have dinner with her last night which was at 5 PM . The house she owns but no longer remembers owning is just 5 blocks away . I haven 't been to see her for several months , and we never know what mental condition we will find her in . These places cost a lot of money , and someone is supposed to help the residents whenever necessary - - BUT , Mom can 't remember how to tell someone she needs them . We walked into Apartment # 10 where she now lives , and she was standing in a puddle of water in her bathroom . I immediately noticed that the toilet was full and running over the top . Heaven only knows how long it had been that way . I went and got someone to fix it , and Jerry kept trying to get his Mother OUT of the puddle of water . She insisted there WASN ' T any water on the floor . It is Mom 's responsibility to furnish her own toiletries such as soap and toilet paper . Whenever I am in town , I bring armloads of tp into her bathroom and put it on the shelf , however , I had not thought to take any last night . I checked the shelf , and there was NO tp at all . Like I said , she doesn 't know how to tell anyone , and even with three typed notes taped to her mirror and walls , nobody ever calls me . She can talk and walk just fine , but her mind doesn 't keep up . Anyway , the three of us went out to the dining room to eat . It was more like a snack than a meal , but Mom didn 't eat over two bites . I 'm sure they don 't care if we starve . Dinner was 1 / 2 baked potato and a little salad with a boiled egg on it . I thought it was a nice appetizer . About midway through dinner , Mom got up and said she had to take a trip . I figured she meant she had to go to the bathroom . She didn 't walk to her room though . She walked the opposite direction down the long hall . I ran over to see where she was going , and I saw her walk into the public restroom . I thought she probably just didn 't realize her toilet had been fixed , so I went and sat back down at the table . A few minutes later , I saw Mom walking back from the hallway and over to her apartment with her arms FULL OF TOILET PAPER ROLLS she had gotten out of the public restroom . I knew she was not supposed to take those . I ran over to her , and I walked with her into her bathroom . I said , " Mom , where did you get that toilet paper ? " She looked at me so funny and said , " What do you MEAN ? " I asked her again where she got the toilet paper . She said , " Well , I got it where I ALWAYS get it , from the County Store ! " Mom was always the social chairman for this entire little town she has lived in for 50 years . She ran The Senior Center and made sure there were plenty of games for everyone to play . Every holiday , Mom would come with all kinds of domino , board and card games , and she would insist we all play games . She still remembers that she loves to play games , but she doesn 't still remember HOW to play them . While we were eating , she asked us if we remembered the rules to any games . She wanted to play a game . There was one other man at our table named Dee . We decided Mom could probably remember how to play Dominoes easier than Canasta , so we went into her room to find Dominoes . She had at least 10 boxes of double nines , so that was easy ! Dee said he would join us at the card table in the common area . A very nice room . Jerry was the score keeper and I was the reminder - of - whose - turn - it - was . Mom had it in her head we were playing cards . She kept yelling at Dee that he could only draw ONE card . He would turn his head to her with both his hearing aids poking out his ears and scream , " HUH ? " Mom was amazing at figuring out what domino to play and how to add everything up . The longer we played , the better she got . Poor Dee though . Not only was he as deaf as a doorknob , he couldn 't remember how to add . He thought every domino had a 6 on it . He did okay with our help though . Mom - - always the amazing hostess - - went into her room and brought out a package of Almond Joys and passed them around . It was a lot of fun . We finally told Mom we had to leave . I started putting the dominoes back in the box , but she insisted she could do it . I figured she probably needed something to do , so I left them . I got up from the table , told her we had to get back home , and gave her a big hug . Jerry went over and hugged her and told her he loved her . Then we walked out to the parking lot to Jerry 's funny little van . We were about to back out when Mom came walking up to the driver - side window . She almost always does that , but I didn 't think she would this time because it was alrmost dark outside . Jerry rolled down the window and said , " Mom ! , what are you doing out here ? " She said , " You didn 't tell me Goodbye . " Bless her heart . It must be so awful to be locked inside a 92 - year old body with a worn out memory bank . We are still in Kingfisher today . Jerry is sanding doors and fixing garden drains . I am cleaning and touching up paint and doing laundry . The work never ends here . We met with a realtor this morning . I guess we will go ahead and list the house with her . I HATE to do that . We have always sold our homes ourselves , but this one isn 't ours , and we live so far away . I pray it sells real soon so we won 't have to worry about upkeep and keeping it " lived in " so the insurance company will insure it . Here I am in Kingfisher , OK sitting on Mom 's green floral couch with my feet up on a folding chair . Jerry is at the kitchen table using my laptop to work - - what ELSE would he be doing - - and I am trying to type this post on my IPad . I am finding it nearly impossible to do , because I can 't post pics , and some of my sentences are hidden from me . I will continue to type and check it all on my laptop later . The local folks around here all told us to get Alfredo to lay the carpet back down . We had a hard time reaching him , but we finally did . He started the job today . My main reason for being here is to babysit the contractors so they don 't trash Mom 's house , and to make sure they even show up . Alfredo did show up in a nice van with his company name and number on it . He is by himself though . I asked him why he didn 't have a helper , and he said the guy quit today . How awful ! I told him to let us help him , but he refused . Guess what the very first thing was that he did ? He got a large scrap of new , clean carpet to put in the entryway so " he wouldn 't mess up my house " ! Well , that was it . I knew from that alone that the guy was going to make me happy . He has to lay a new floor in the bathroom . When Lowe 's came out to do it last summer , they said they don 't remove the old floor - - they just put the new floor on top of whatever is already on it . So the bathroom had two layers on it with five holes drilled through it . At 10 : 00 , Alfredo left to take a well - deserved break . I went to see what he had been doing . OMG , was I ever surprised ! You could eat off the cement , it was so clean . He scraped up the entire floor , removed the toilet , and he removed all the baseboards . Remember it had a 40 - year - old floor and the new floor I put last summer on it . The last company didn 't remove anything ! I could not even FIND the toilet Alfredo took up . Look at where it was - - as neat as could be in the hall closet . Wow ! What a guy ! I am so thrilled to have found him . He does it RIGHT - - not fast and cheap . Whatever he charges , he will have earned . He put the new floor in - - put the toilet back - - and put all the trim back . Then he caulked all around everything . I wish you could see a before and after picture ! I think the moral of this story is DON ' T have the carpet store install your carpet . They will do it the cheapest way possible . This guy works for himself . He told Jerry that he used to work for Home Depot . Home Depot made him lay hard tile OVER linoleum . That is just WRONG ! I am SO GLAD we found Mr . Alfredo ! Okay , it is now the next day . Alfredo was supposed to be here 8 minutes ago . PLEASE don 't break my heart , Alfredo , and screw up your perfect record ! It just so happens , that the largest quilt shop in Oklahoma is 30 minutes away from here in Hennessey , OK . Jerry told me to take his little van and go there yesterday , so what could I say . I guess he was tired of me sitting across this table from him watching him work . So I went to Prairie Quilts , and I found 9 new fabrics I needed to make future blouses with - - ALFREDO IS HERE ! ! ! ! ! YEAH ! ! ! ! ! I heard him apologize to Jerry for being a few minutes late . An APOLOGY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Somebody better give me mouth - to - mouth ! Yes , that is what I am this morning . My photography skills are sadly lacking , but I do know that you need a camera - - a tripod - - and good lighting . When I take pictures , I always have shadows all over me because the lights in this house are all up on the ceiling . It makes me look like I have 50 chins instead of only 25 ! So I got this BRIGHT idea this morning . My husband has two little lights on his desk that have turny shades on them . I decided to aim them toward myself to see if I could could get a brighter picture . And then I had to figure out how to build a tripod so I could take the picture . So check it out . Here 's my super duper high tech photography studio ! Well , that is where the " clown " part comes in . This nutty amoeba blouse that now has black trim - - thanks to Joy2 - - was in yesterday 's post that disappeared . Evidently , the bloggosphere blew up when it saw it ! I am going to try to post a pic of it again though so you can see it with the LOVELY floral shoes I found to go with it . I won 't be leaving the house in this , but I took a pic anyway . Such loveliness ! I received a phone call a few minutes ago from the Paralyzed Veterans of America asking for donations . Their truck will be coming by my house on April 26th . I have a feeling this blouse and the MATCHING shoes will be in the bag ! I went to the Bernina store and refinanced my house to buy a single hole stitch plate for my sewing machine . That means I can now sew the slinky fabrics with ease . I really like the way they FEEL on my skin . You know my sensitive skin . I can feel the tiniest nothing on my skin , and it feels like a brick . This is true . When we were first married , Jerry used to want to rest his hand on me while we were sleeping . I guess he wanted to hold me down or something . No ! He just wanted to hug me . BUT , I could not sleep . I felt like there was a heavy brick pressing down on me . I had to finally tell him . THANK GOD Jerry is not easily offended . In fact , you can 't hardly offend him no matter what you say or do , which is really great when you are married to my personality . He just said , " You should have told me sooner . " His hand was probably getting tired anyway ! Poor Margaret . We went to dinner the other night , and she started talking about her brother writing a book and how he got the past all screwed up . He even said he had a dog when he was growing up , and Margaret said the dog never existed . So , I got to telling her about my childhood and how it has gotten so distorted by my family . They , of course , don 't think so . They have " their side of the story " , and to them , it is nothing but the truth . Well , I think I lived my own life - - maybe I didn 't - - but I have my memories . I would NEVER write a book because if by some MIRACLE , someone actually read it , my sisters would call Bill O ' Reilly and tell him what a horrible person I am and how I wrecked the entire family . My brother would say a prayer and tell God how NEGATIVE I am ! Oh , the stories I could tell . Anyway , I decided Margaret would never know my sisters or my brother , so I could tell her MY version of my life story . There we were - - at the Longhorn Restaurant with Jerrod waiting on us - - eating our fabulous steaks and lobster - covered baked potato - - YUM ! ! ! - - and I started my long story . Margaret listened intently as she always does , and I just kept on going . I didn 't think about it until I was lying in bed at 11 PM that night , but I thought , " OMG ! , What if the whole restaurant could hear me ? ! " Jerrod did come by once and tell me that he would have been there sooner , but my story sounded so serious , he didn 't want to interrupt me . He probably left to call 911 and have me committed ! Since my last post disappeared into thin air , I will show you again the picture of our storm cellar . I haven 't seen it , but Jerry sent me a picture . Isn 't it nice ? We always said we would never need one , but with tornadoes happening a dozen at a time all over the US , we thought maybe it was time . It is over there behind the trees . That is one or both of our cats you see next to it . I put a picture of my grandson , Boo Bear , in yesterday 's post , so I will put it here again . I call him Sgt . Boo Bear . He always says , " I 'm not a Sergeant , Grandma . " I tell him I will call him General Boo Bear then . He will be home tomorrow for a few weeks as I posted a few days ago . Here is a pic I snapped last time I saw him : We adore this child ! He practically lived with us from birth until he was 3 years old . He makes wise choices and is very respectful of his elders and his peers . He makes friends very easily . Her name is Hollie , and she is BEAUTIFUL ! Not only is she beautiful , she is as darling as he is . High grades in school , helps other people and children in some capacity ( don 't remember what agency ) , loves everybody she meets . Last I heard , she wants to be a Physical Therapist . They will marry next weekend - - I think - - and she has to finish High School . John ( Boo Bear ) will fly from here to ALASKA leaving her behind to finish school . Then she will fly by herself to join him in Alaska . She will go to college there . Her Dad was in the Army , so she is very familiar with the " drill " . John says they still want to come to our house for a weekend , so we are very excited about that . We will have a celebration - - IF they ever come out of the bedroom . Seriously ! How many new brides say , " Darling , let 's go visit your grandparents and go fishing on our honeymoon . " I 've gotta go . Need to get ready to go to Jerry 's Mom 's house in Kingfisher tonight . The carpet guy , Alfredo , will be there at 8 AM . He speaks very little English , but his wife speaks it pretty well . Hope she comes with him ! I 've never had this happen before . I had a post today , but it completely disappeared . How bazaar . I even had a comment from MK Hughes . Sorry . I 'm not retyping that whole thing . Check in tomorrow . I am so glad I have two " clerk " stories to tell you tonight . I hate to always just talk about bad service because it makes me sound like a person that nobody can please , and that is not true at all . I am very easy to please . Just give me good service . We demand it from our employees . Our clerks will walk out into the parking lot to your car if they see you need help . After lunch with Phylly at TGI Friday 's , I decided I needed to quit procrastinating and go buy a new carpet vacuum . I have always been a Sears Kenmore Canister / Carpet Vac lover , but somebody at Kenmore that obviously never had used a vacuum in his / her life , decided to CHANGE the model I love , and when they did , they ruined it . I had researched this several months ago , and I knew about the change , but I thought since I was at the mall already , I would go look at the Progressive vacuums at Sears one more time , and maybe by some miracle they would be changed BACK to the way they used to be . I walked over to the vacuums and started talking to the vacuums . I noticed two girls doing something on the other side of the aisle , so I started speaking to them . They ignored me . I asked if they worked there . Yes , they did , but someone else would have to help me . So I looked for " someone else " and sure enough , she was walking toward me . She was a nice looking lady with a lot of hair . She wore a strange purse / back pack sort of thing wrapped all around her body . She was 40ish I would say . I told her how I USED to love this Progressive vacuum and that I didn 't like the way they changed it . She took it down off display and was going to SHOW me that I was wrong . She started to pull the wand out of the handle , but she couldn 't figure out how to do it . She pulled and she pushed and she moved the buttons all around . I took it from her and showed her how to take it apart . She kept telling me how she knew all about this vacuum and how wonderful it was . I handed it back to her . I told her I didn 't like the way they permanently attached the little round brush to the end of the hand part of the wand . She said she would SHOW me that you could remove it . She pushed and pulled and fiddled with the buttons . AGAIN , I took it from her and showed her how to do it . Oh , yes , she knew all about this vacuum , and it was the top of the line . I handed it back to her again . Then I explained that it was too big to slide the wand in between the frig and the wall or in between the washer and dryer . She said she would SHOW me that she could do it . VERY WEIRD . She puts the little skinny thing on that you do edges with and tells me that you just use it . I took it from her again . I turned around and tried to put it between a box and the wall and , of course , it would not go in at all because of the remodeling of the handheld part made to hold the little round brush . She couldn 't believe it , and she FINALLY saw what I was telling her from the first minute we met . By that time , I figured out I knew WAY MORE than that girl ever would about that vacuIt takes a Y bag , but we don 't have any Y bags . We only have Y / Z bags , but you can use the Y / Z bags with it . I tell her I want to buy some bags for it . We walk over to the vac bags hanging on the wall . I am watching her every move . She reaches up and chooses a package of TWO Y / Z bags and tells me I need them . I can see hanging RIGHT NEXT TO THE Y / Z bags that there is a package of Y bags . I say to her , " Aren 't those Y bags right there ? " She looks and she sees them . THEN she says , " Yes , those are Y bags but you want these Y / Z bags . " I ask her why . She says there are 2 Y / Z 's in the box . I point out that there are 3 Y bags in a box . " Oh " , she says . Then she says , " Well , you don 't want those because these are better because they filter up to 97 . 5 % of allergens . " I pick up the Y bags and written plainly on the front it says , " Filters 97 . 5 % of allergens " . I show it to her and point out that it is also several dollars cheaper and has one more bag . She finally gives up . Then she tries to put my phone number and my name in the computer . She messed that up over and over . We had to keep starting all over . Finally , she got the thing sold to me . She said I could pick it up at the package pick - up door . She took my receipt and started walking away with it . I asked her where she was going . She said she was going to the package pick - up dept to tell them I was coming . I started to take my bags and go find the down escalator when I noticed her walking back to me . She said again , I 'm going to take this to package pick - up , but you can go there and get your vacuum . Okay . She walked away again , but turned around shortly and came back to me . She said , " Here is your receipt . Just take it to package pick - up " . Isn 't it just UNbelievable ? These clerks are so poorly trained . They don 't know the product or the register or the routine . I was very patient with the girl , because it was obvious she had some mental issues . I wasn 't in a hurry and I didn 't insult her or rush her . I felt really sorry for her though because she sure wasn 't prepared to do that job . I basically sold myself the vacuum . So THAT was the salesgirl story . I came home with my new vacuum and hauled the big box into the house and sat it up against Jerry 's desk and forgot about it . I came back into my sewing room to fix my amoeba blouse per the other Joy 's ( I 'll call her Joy2 ) comment . I was finished with it and taking a picture for Joy2 when my doorbell rang . It was Margaret ! ! ! I was so happy to see her . She came over to inform me that Phylly was NOT my ONLY friend . I said , " Good , come in and let 's go out to dinner . " We fixed our faces - - I changed my shoes - - and we left with no idea at all where we were going to eat . It was 5 : 00 . Margaret said she wanted to show me the house she and her husband built years ago that she had sold and would love to have back . So we drove over to her old neighborhood , and I parked in front of her very lovely x - home . I could certainly see why she missed it so much . Then we walked across the street to talk to a good friend and x - neighbor of hers , Betty . Then Betty 's husband came out . I think his name was Jay . Both very nice people . All four of us discussed restaurants , and one of them mentioned Longhorn . AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! ! ! THAT is where that darling Jerrod works that waited on us a couple weeks ago . I decided that I wanted to go there , and Margaret didn 't care where we went . We arrived and I asked for Jerrod to wait on us . The girl wanted to know WHICH Jerrod . " You mean there are TWO of them " , I said . The girl explained that one was a waiter and one was a bartender . I chose the waiter , and sure ' nuf - - it was the same sweet Jerrod . He remembered me or , at least , said he did . He was just as nice and helpful and friendly . Margaret said he was a flirt . I did see him wink at her , and he practically sat in her lap when she offered him a seat next to her . When we were done eating , Margaret had to visit the little girl 's room . While she was gone , another couple - - old like us - - came and sat at the booth right behind me . Jerrod went over and introduced himself and started talking to them . After a couple of minuAnd THAT was the waiter story - - both in the same day ! My soldier grandson whom I affectionately call " Boo Bear " texted me today to tell me he is coming home this Friday . He knows how much I adore him and that I would be thrilled to know that . He gets to stay for several weeks . He said he is coming down to our home to stay for three days and go fishing with his Papa . I told Jerry , and he was as excited as I am . That is a real big thing for me to look forward to . He is a wonderful , responsible , gorgeous 19 - year old young man who makes wise choices in life and is very respectful to his elders . This child gives me GREAT joy ! After John left for the Army , my daughter brought some boxes of his belongings over to put in my attic , and I hugged the boxes . You get the idea . Okay . It is an hour later . I just heard from my daughter for the first time since last October . She called to say that her son , John , ( Boo Bear ) has decided to get married while he is home . His fiance ' is still a Senior in High School . Wow ! Things sure can change fast in a Grandma 's world . His girlfriend is as lovely as he is , so it is a good thing . I can 't imagine that they will still want to come to our house , but my daughter says he does . WARNING ! Watch for my emotions to go through the roof . John leaves from his short visit home to go to Alaska . He is in Boston , MA right now . Thank God for the sunshine today ! ! ! It has been cloudy for over a week here , and I need sunshine for motivation . We have had a lot of rain , and I 'm thankful for that , but we could use a break now . Rev . Hagee was on the mark this morning - - as always . He talked about the downfall of the Huge Roman Empire and how all that is going on in America right now is exactly the same as what happened way back then . Our freedom of religion is being taken away right before our eyes , and Christians are just sitting back thinking it 's no big deal . Well , THIS Christian isn 't ! I want to do SOMETHING , but I don 't know HOW or WHAT I can do other than pray . Our young people are so ignorant of everything except , " I 'm going to do it MY way , and nobody is going to tell me I can 't . " So extremely sad . Hagee said that George Washington said that America would never survive if it wasn 't governed by principles of the Bible . Well , here we are , my friends . Over 50 % divorce rate even in the church , and a huge percentage of young people living together and having children with no marriage at all . The family structure is what makes a country strong . Values at home - - values in government . Pretty simple . The things our congressmen do and get away with are things dirty books are written about . And the mass murder of unborn children . How does God watch it and allow it ? I wonder if He regrets giving us free will . And , of course , I know the answer to that . God doesn 't think like I do . Without free will , we don 't have a CHOICE as to whether to love him or not . Love without choice , is not love . I have my brand new slinky top on today . It feels so soft and silky on my skin . No rubby places . It was NOT easy to sew . Especially , the neckline . I was pleasantly surprised when it turned out as good as it did . I think the BEST solution for sewing on this water - like fabric is to have the single hole feed dog cover plate . I don 't have one for the machine I was using , so I am going to go on line to see if I can find one . This top was made using my Sure - fit Designs KNIT blueprint . I removed the large bust dart and put in a French Dart . Here is a picture of the paper pattern showing the change . I actually left in the waist darts for extra fullness , and that worked out fine . Notice how I cut out the innards of the large French dart and made seam allowances for it . You don 't want all that extra fabric in there . It just so happens that Glenda Sparling of Sure - Fit Designs has a new video I 've not seen before called " How to Perfect the Dart Cutting Line After Moving the Dart . " She will show you EXACTLY what I did to get my French dart ; however , she doesn 't cut out the innards of it because her dart is a " B " . Mine is a " Z " , I think ! Here 's the link : Here are some pics of my new top . The fabric is from gorgeousfabrics . com , and the pattern was from my Sure - fit Designs dress kit bodice KNIT blueprint . Whew ! Say that 3 times real fast . I want to make some more of these . SO , SO comfortable . Maybe I 'll try a ruffle around the v - neck on the next one . It is noon on Sunday , and I have the rest of the afternoon to do SOMETHING . Jerry called awhile ago just to talk - - how sweet is that - - and he told me he is GLAD to be rid of Kirk . I am GLAD he is GLAD because I hate it if he doesn 't approve of something I do or say . God Bless and have a WONDERFUL day ! I am a semi - retired business owner - secretary - bookkeeper . My husband still works all the time . I spend a lot of time sewing these days and reading blogs of others who sew . Underneath each day 's post you will see the word " Comments " . It may have a number in front of it like this " 2 Comments " . Click on that , and it will take you to a comment box . If the choices of accounts don 't make sense , choose " Anonymous " . Just put your first name in the post please so I 'll know who you are . |
Hello dear readers ! Sorry I didn 't post yesterday , and it is late tonight . Jerry wanted my attention when I finally got home after a whole month away , so I didn 't get to even turn this computer on last night . Today , my store manager from Oklahoma City is here to help PREaudit our store for an accreditation audit coming soon . She is spending the night here tonight , so we have been visiting and talking . She just went to bed , so I came back upstairs to do a quick blog post . I want to buy some herbs and some pretty plants and put them in all the planters around my house . Have been gone so much the last year , that most died . And what good are a bunch of herbs when you aren 't here to harvest and use them ? I really want to start eating healthier . Lots of vegetables and less meat and potatoes . Both of us need to lose our ring - around - the - tummy ! I have 500 cookbooks , and I 'm sure several of them have to do with healthy eating . I need to dig out a few recipes that look like they might be tastier than cardboard and try them . Remember when Woks were all the rage ? Weren 't they about cooking healthy ? I know you used lots of vegies and rice . I know I 've purchased at least one Wok in my life , but I have no idea where it is now . I 'm sure a big frying pan will suffice ! Guess I better get downstairs and get into bed . I have to go into the store and work with on accreditation tomorrow while my store manager is here . I told her if she will find what needs fixin ' - - I will fix it ! Hence , I should probably get some sleep . You can see our " yard " there in front of the new grass . NO WONDER Bootsy likes it better ! The other cat , Barney - - named after Barney Fife because he was neutered as a newborn kitten and that makes a cat scrawny - - decided he was suddenly in love with my leg which was covered in black knit pants . I came in the house and looked like I was turning into a Werewolf ! I had hair on my face , my hands , my pant legs and in between . Good grief ! When will they quit shedding ? ! I better get busy doing something . Not sure what yet . It is Saturday . Seems like I should go to Hancock Fabrics for some reason . If I buy any more fabric , I 'll have to rent a storage building . Maybe I 'll go get some buttons for my new red blouse . Here is a pic again in case you have forgotten . The part in the pic is what is in the trash now . The sleeves are still good , and I will save them for the remake . I was able to find MORE of the pretty fabric that I tossed in the trash yesterday . Jerry was very upset when he heard I had messed up that blouse , so I searched and searched for some more fabric . I did NOT get it from Gorgeousfabrics . com as I thought . It came from Helen Enox Fabrics right here in Oklahoma City . They were so nice to find it for me from a picture and mail it to me . Fortunately , they still had some ! Do you see that part hanging out under the armhole over there on the right side of the picture . I decided that needed to be taken in and serged off . Well , guess what ? I need it back ! Too bad . It wasn 't like that just on Lucy - - it was like that on me too . I guess the sleeve would have sucked it all in . Instead of a picture of my flounce blouse on me , you will get a picture of NOTHING because my pretty almost - finished new blouse ended up in the trash . I messed it up . I don 't know if you can EVER have enough sewing experience to not screw up a project . It is why I don 't like to buy really expensive fabric . Lesson learned - - well let 's say RElearned for the zillionth time - - always make a muslin of a new design , pattern , style - - whatever you want to call it . So here it is Friday night , and I am all alone . Can 't go home until Sunday for the craziest , but valid reason : The trash goes out Sunday night to be picked up Monday morning . One of the hassles of having two homes . I 'll put it out early Sunday and head back to our real home where Jerry is waiting for me . Mr . and Mrs . Boo Bear will be coming the next weekend for three days , so I want to get prepared for their visit . That should be a pure delight ! She loves to cook , so maybe I will have some help in the kitchen . We will actually go out onto the lake we live by ! That will be something new and different . We used to drive 2 1 / 2 hours at least two Friday nights a month to go to the lake with the kids when they were growing up . We would stay until I threatened divorce late Sunday evening when my husband just HAD to stay a little longer for one of two reasons : Many times we would get home at midnight or later with two sleeping girls and a truck full of stuff that had to be washed , cleaned , emptied , filled , dried out and / or put away . Then we both had to be at work at 8 AM the next day . I used to do this because I thought it was what a good wife did . After we had been married for a loooooooooong time , I finally told Jerry , " I don 't CARE if you love me , hate me , or couldn 't care less either way , but I am NEVER going camping again , and I am NEVER coming home late Sunday night again ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We 've been married 37 years now , so I guess it wasn 't that big of deal - - or maybe I had waited long enough to explode . I don 't know how many times we arrived late Friday night at some campground and had to PUT UP our tent . Then when we left Sunday night , we had to TAKE DOWN our tent . Then when we got home much later that night we had to PUT UP the tent in our yard until it dried out because it had rained all weekend ! Catching some fish just never was worth all that work to me . Good heavens ! ! ! We could have gone to the Fish Market and bought every fish there for less money than we spent going camping ! This is really true . I learned it years ago at a marriage seminar our church put on . Jerry and I both went to it . This information REALLY helped me . It certainly made me realize what Jerry 's main problem was - - other than ME - - and that was just that he was a male . There are exceptions to this , of course . I have known some VERY strange husbands married to my friends or fellow workers . My personal assistant 's husband comes to the store and FEELS THE ENGINE OF HER CAR to see if she left the store at lunch time to go have an affair . BAZAAR ! ! ! ! I better go . Jerry isn 't here to get our cats in the garage for the night , so I have to do it . We bribe them in with a plate of tuna fish or chicken broth . Otherwise , they just don 't think they should have to be bothered coming when we call . Whatever . Jerry wouldn 't consider my letting the cats disappear just another " event " , I assure you ! He would be VERY upset with me ! I am still finishing up my Fabulous Fit transactions . They finally decided to try to shut up my griping by sending me another pole and base . The pole was supposed to allow me to tilt the dress form forward , but it doesn 't . It is just like the other pole insofar as that . The new pole had one big advantage , however , and that was a much , much nicer base that you stick the pole into . I don 't understand why they didn 't send that one to start with . I had to return the original pole and base so I got it all packed up with Jerry 's help before he left town . Two big boxes have been sitting in my entryway now for 3 days . Fabulous Fit was to send FedEx TODAY to pick up these boxes . I have been here in the house all day long waiting for FedEx . You KNOW as well as I do , if I had DARED to leave to do any of those things , FedEx would have pulled in here the second I drove away ! Since I had to wait , I have been working on my new red blouse all day . I haven 't been able to try it on myself though because you KNOW what would have happened the second I stripped off my clothes and put on the buttonless , sleeveless blouse . FedEx would have shown up ! Okay , I can quit worrying about FedEx - - the guy just showed up . I told him to be very careful because the one box was very heavy . He picked the thing up and threw it up on his shoulder ! ! ! He grabbed the other package which contained the pole , and off he went . I guess I am a SUPER weakling ! NOW that he is gone , I 'm going to go try on my new blouse . If it doesn 't look too awful - - the fit that is - - I will snap a pic . Be back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Okay , I 'm back . The blouse was VERY big for some reason . I measured my bottom real quick to see if I had lost a few inches - - but , no - - it is still 42 inches no matter how I try to suck it up . Maybe it is the slinky material . I 'm using SFD 's blueprint , but I usually only sew with 100 % cotton . This slinky stuff grows , I think . Maybe pics tomorrow if I decide to stay another day . I 'm going to dinner with Margaret tonight . I need to go home tomorrow , but I don 't know if I 'll make it . Still need to run those errands . Maybe I 'll stay for one more lunch with Phylly . We shall see . I 'll take a pic of Lucy IF I get her in the car ! That should be a hoot ! My goodness ! Some days have so many issues . Nothing serious . Just little irritations . Like the internet not working AGAIN for the thousandth time . We 've only had it three weeks , and I think it breaks down at least once every day , and sometimes many times a day . I call for the wonderful so - called " service " , and it is like all the others . Push a 1 - - push a 2 - - hold forever - - push something else - - get disconnected - - scream - - start all over again . Then you get someone who doesn 't know what they are doing . AT & T has taught all the techs to say " I 'm Sorry " and " We Apologize " at least once every 2 minutes . I was on the phone for TWO WHOLE HOURS this morning . I kid you not . I finally insisted that my husband babysit the phone while we were on hold so I could run in and take a quick shower . When I got out of the shower , we were still on hold . The girl who was trying very unsuccessfully to help me finally went higher up the ladder . Those people couldn 't help me either , so they FINALLY agreed to send a tech to my house between 12 and 4 today . Since then , I have had two phone calls telling me the problem is fixed and nobody is coming . I assured them the problem WASN ' T fixed , and somebody better show up . Our other service , which was cable , may have been a bit slower , but it was dependable . Jerry couldn 't even work here this morning and had to go to our store to borrow a computer . I have made these calls three times myself , and Jerry made one . Absurd ! So all that began at 7 : 30 am this morning . After the 2 - hour call , and after Jerry left , I started sewing on my pretty new Sure - fit Designs Leaflet # 9 blouse . I sat down to sew the ruffle to the front , and I turned the stitch length up to 3 as Peggy advises us to do . For some reason , my computer decided to sew the tightest stitch known to man - - teeny , tiny , close - together stitches . I could NOT rip them out if I had to . I turned the length all the way up , and it still sewed itsy bitsy stitches . When I sewed BACKwards though , the stitches were fine . How NUTTY ! I called Robert at Bernina who is a VERY NICE service tech and will actually help you on the phone if he can . YES ! Great service there ! I need to send him a fruitcake for Christmas . Does ANYONE actually EAT those things ! ? Robert told me to set my machine on the mending stitch and just sew with it for about 2 minutes . Bless his heart ! He was right . It worked . Somehow , it unjammed whatever was going on in the feeddog area . Before Jerry left this morning he called me outside to look at our fence . Somebody hammered 5 inch nails into thin air so , naturally , all 5 have pulled out . I am waiting for the fence people to show up to fix that also today . And the lawn guy and his spanish - only crew are here working in our yard . Very nice people if you could just talk to them ! I say " Hola " and " Gracias " a lot to them . They are hauling rock in today to put on the side of our house where the sun refuses to shine . We have been growing a crop of dirt over there for 7 years ! They are also hauling dirt in to other areas of the lawn and then putting sod on top of that . AND , Phylly came here to have lunch with me awhile ago ! A rather exciting day , really . Don 't usually have any visitors . I better get back to my new blouse so I can show you pictures . Here is the front with one ruffle sewn on and one pinned on . The bust darts aren 't sewn in yet . How AWESOME is this dress form ! ? I am enjoying it so much . I wish I could have avoided all the hassle involved , but I am very happy that it all turned out to be something I really like . I better get back to it . I seem to be in a " red " season . I think I bought at least 3 more reds yesterday from Gorgeousfabrics . com . I heard somewhere that ruffles are all the rage right now , so that is why I 'm putting ruffles to the extent that I can stand them on this blouse . I don 't really care what the current " in thing " is . I wear what I like on my body . Wishing you all a marvelous day ! I received an email from Gorgeous Fabrics saying ALL the knits are 25 % off today ! I love their knit so I hurried over to see what they had . So many really pretty ones . I think I narrowed my choice down to 8 of them . Now that I have learned all the tricks of how to sew slinky stuff , I want to have a closet full of pretty rayon knit blouses . I should be back home at our real house in a few days , and then I can start with mass - production ! Trying to figure out how to get Lucy ( my dress form ) down there isn 't easy . Jerry has that little van , but it has a giant wheelchair in it . Lucy takes up a lot of room . I wish her legs bent . Then I could just put her in the passenger seat and she would look like a person - - well , maybe not - - she doesn 't have a head . Maybe I could glue one of those wig heads on her and put a big floppy hat on it . Then I might be able to lay her in the back seat , and it would look like she was taking a nap or something . Of course her feetless legs might have to stick out an open window . That might be a bit of a problem . OH , I KNOW - - I could put my high heel boots on her , and then it would look perfectly normal . Ha ! We are in Kingfisher again today . Jerry signed a contract with a realtor a while ago . Then we went to lunch at my favorite little restaurant , the City Cafe . Homemade apple pie today . Awesome ! I ate a piece and brought the last piece they had home for later . Now , I am sleepy and would love to lie down on this couch and take a nap . Jerry is still fixing stuff . I can 't stop him . Whoever buys this house is getting a great deal . They may want to replace the countertops , but other than that , I don 't know what would be needed . If I can figure out HOW , I 'll post some pics of my Gorgeous On Sale Knit Fabric purchases . My order didn 't go through the first time , so I went back to redo it and somehow , some more fabric jumped into my bag ! I 'll have to share with Phylly . These are all from Gorgeousfabrics . com and are all rayon knits . Jerry is excited I am sewing with something that isn 't COTTON from Hancock 's . He says my blouses all look alike and are so casual . Well , I 'm a casual girl . I HATE to dress up . Would like to make a lot more yoga pants though to go with all these pretty tops . The other pieces are solids . Something else I seldom make . I better go . Got to start packing up the pole and base I am returning to Fabulous Fit . Not sure HOW I 'm going to do that , so need to get started . What a nice four days this has been . Jerry would not agree at all , but TO ME , we have been on vacation . Jerry has been out in the yard working - - we 've had to go to Ace Hardware several times - - we 've gone out to lunch and out to dinner - - he is sleeping on two blown up air mattresses , one on top of the other , and most of the house is empty . I am sleeping in the only bed remaining in the house which is a single electric bed . To me , it is like camping out in luxury . The phone NEVER rings here , and his cell phone didn 't ring even once yesterday ! We shoveled and raked and filled heavy trash bags with dead stuff and broken bricks . He sprayed weeds with Round - Up as I went behind him pulling them out of the ground . He told me I was crazy . I was happy he was OUTSIDE doing anything besides sitting at his computer working . I have cleaned and cleaned and cleaned , fixed areas that required paint touch - up , vacuumed carpet fuzzies up all over the house , done laundry , washed windows and sills , cooked hot dogs and beans and done various other duties INCLUDING breaking the pull - up thingy on the cheap faucet we put in the bathroom last summer . I didn 't WANT the cheap faucet , but in this little town , it was all we could find that would fit in the sink holes . Another fix - it job for tomorrow which means MAYBE I 'll get to have my husband one more day here in the sunny vacation paradise of Kingfisher , OK ! It is 8 : 20 AM , and Jerry is still in bed ! ! ! He is usually up at 5 AM working at his computer in his underwear . I went in a minute ago and layed down next to him to shnuggy him . I asked him if he was going to sleep until noon . He said , " I might ! " I had to get up because I heard the air mattress shift , and I was afraid it was going to explode under my delicate frame ! This TRULY is a vacation ! Pastor Hagee 's son , Matthew , preached today . Very good , as always . He preached that Help Is On The Way - - I would have changed the title to " Help Is ALREADY Here ! " , but then he didn 't ask my opinion on that . The message was " peace through strength " - - not " peace through compromising with terrorists " . Jesus already gave us all the power and tools and instructions we need to defeat evil in our lives . Problem is , most don 't even know there IS an instruction manual , and those that do couldn 't tell you anything that is in it , never mind actually APPLY it to their lives . ( That is my little sermon note - - not Matthew 's . ) Matthew said , " God does not associate with terrorists , and God is NOT a pacifist " ! " What Jesus did while he was here , you can do right now . " ( I know that is in John 14 . ) " Peace is a biproduct of DUTY " . " God is not our Butler , He is our Commander in Chief ! " Matthew said that the divorce rate is approaching 70 % . How awful . He said couples just separate and walk away from a conflict rather than dealing with it . I sure did NOT inherit that gene ! I will fight like a tiger to get across my point in a conflict , and I will do all I can to get the other person to do the same ! I always tell Jerry , " You HAVE to communicate ! ! ! " Our daughters response to any conflict is , " I don 't want to talk about it . " You sure won 't ever get anything resolved that way . Just a few years ago I had a relationship with a woman that I thought would be my friend for life . I loved her dearly , and we talked , emailed or had lunch every day , and we got together for dinner at least once a week . I thought we were best buds and would be forever . I could tell her almost anything . Problem was , she couldn 't tell me anything . She got upset with me over a big piece of stupid I did , and she just ERASED me from her life . HOW does someone do that ? If it had been the other way around , I would have simply gone to her and said , " What is your PROBLEMO lady ? WHY did you say that ? WHY did you do that ? " But , no . Nothing . Total avoidance . And when I see her , it is like torture to me . I literally get sick to my stomach , and I am afraid - - afraid to be me . I tried for years to act like everything was okay - - like before - - but she was soooooooooooo cold and so standoffish . I don 't know how to be like that . I am a wide open book . I say what I think , and I think what I say - - to a fault , at times , for sure - - but to me , that is better than living a lie . Isn 't a friendship WORTH some communication and above all , forgiveness ? It 's a dagger in my heart to have lost such a dear friend , but then again , I guess she really wasn 't , was she . I have to give that pain to God and pray he helps me learn how to deal with it . If I could just LEARN - - once and for all ! - - how to be PERFECT and never do anything wrong - - maybe these things wouldn 't happen to me . It is a GORGEOUS day , and after typing that last bit , I realize that the reason I am so happy AWAY from home is because of that exact issue . I am always in fear of running into her . I want to run over and hug her and play like nothing ever happened - - but then , I suddenly remember that she doesn 't like me anymore , and I freeze . I 'm going to enjoy what may be the last day of our vacation , and I 'm going to Thank God all day long for loyal friends like Phylly , Margaret and Deanna . They overlook my many faults , and they just love me anyway . Last night , Jerry and I went down the street to have dinner with his Mother who lives at Countrywood Assisted Living Center . We called ahead and asked to have dinner with her last night which was at 5 PM . The house she owns but no longer remembers owning is just 5 blocks away . I haven 't been to see her for several months , and we never know what mental condition we will find her in . These places cost a lot of money , and someone is supposed to help the residents whenever necessary - - BUT , Mom can 't remember how to tell someone she needs them . We walked into Apartment # 10 where she now lives , and she was standing in a puddle of water in her bathroom . I immediately noticed that the toilet was full and running over the top . Heaven only knows how long it had been that way . I went and got someone to fix it , and Jerry kept trying to get his Mother OUT of the puddle of water . She insisted there WASN ' T any water on the floor . It is Mom 's responsibility to furnish her own toiletries such as soap and toilet paper . Whenever I am in town , I bring armloads of tp into her bathroom and put it on the shelf , however , I had not thought to take any last night . I checked the shelf , and there was NO tp at all . Like I said , she doesn 't know how to tell anyone , and even with three typed notes taped to her mirror and walls , nobody ever calls me . She can talk and walk just fine , but her mind doesn 't keep up . Anyway , the three of us went out to the dining room to eat . It was more like a snack than a meal , but Mom didn 't eat over two bites . I 'm sure they don 't care if we starve . Dinner was 1 / 2 baked potato and a little salad with a boiled egg on it . I thought it was a nice appetizer . About midway through dinner , Mom got up and said she had to take a trip . I figured she meant she had to go to the bathroom . She didn 't walk to her room though . She walked the opposite direction down the long hall . I ran over to see where she was going , and I saw her walk into the public restroom . I thought she probably just didn 't realize her toilet had been fixed , so I went and sat back down at the table . A few minutes later , I saw Mom walking back from the hallway and over to her apartment with her arms FULL OF TOILET PAPER ROLLS she had gotten out of the public restroom . I knew she was not supposed to take those . I ran over to her , and I walked with her into her bathroom . I said , " Mom , where did you get that toilet paper ? " She looked at me so funny and said , " What do you MEAN ? " I asked her again where she got the toilet paper . She said , " Well , I got it where I ALWAYS get it , from the County Store ! " Mom was always the social chairman for this entire little town she has lived in for 50 years . She ran The Senior Center and made sure there were plenty of games for everyone to play . Every holiday , Mom would come with all kinds of domino , board and card games , and she would insist we all play games . She still remembers that she loves to play games , but she doesn 't still remember HOW to play them . While we were eating , she asked us if we remembered the rules to any games . She wanted to play a game . There was one other man at our table named Dee . We decided Mom could probably remember how to play Dominoes easier than Canasta , so we went into her room to find Dominoes . She had at least 10 boxes of double nines , so that was easy ! Dee said he would join us at the card table in the common area . A very nice room . Jerry was the score keeper and I was the reminder - of - whose - turn - it - was . Mom had it in her head we were playing cards . She kept yelling at Dee that he could only draw ONE card . He would turn his head to her with both his hearing aids poking out his ears and scream , " HUH ? " Mom was amazing at figuring out what domino to play and how to add everything up . The longer we played , the better she got . Poor Dee though . Not only was he as deaf as a doorknob , he couldn 't remember how to add . He thought every domino had a 6 on it . He did okay with our help though . Mom - - always the amazing hostess - - went into her room and brought out a package of Almond Joys and passed them around . It was a lot of fun . We finally told Mom we had to leave . I started putting the dominoes back in the box , but she insisted she could do it . I figured she probably needed something to do , so I left them . I got up from the table , told her we had to get back home , and gave her a big hug . Jerry went over and hugged her and told her he loved her . Then we walked out to the parking lot to Jerry 's funny little van . We were about to back out when Mom came walking up to the driver - side window . She almost always does that , but I didn 't think she would this time because it was alrmost dark outside . Jerry rolled down the window and said , " Mom ! , what are you doing out here ? " She said , " You didn 't tell me Goodbye . " Bless her heart . It must be so awful to be locked inside a 92 - year old body with a worn out memory bank . We are still in Kingfisher today . Jerry is sanding doors and fixing garden drains . I am cleaning and touching up paint and doing laundry . The work never ends here . We met with a realtor this morning . I guess we will go ahead and list the house with her . I HATE to do that . We have always sold our homes ourselves , but this one isn 't ours , and we live so far away . I pray it sells real soon so we won 't have to worry about upkeep and keeping it " lived in " so the insurance company will insure it . Here I am in Kingfisher , OK sitting on Mom 's green floral couch with my feet up on a folding chair . Jerry is at the kitchen table using my laptop to work - - what ELSE would he be doing - - and I am trying to type this post on my IPad . I am finding it nearly impossible to do , because I can 't post pics , and some of my sentences are hidden from me . I will continue to type and check it all on my laptop later . The local folks around here all told us to get Alfredo to lay the carpet back down . We had a hard time reaching him , but we finally did . He started the job today . My main reason for being here is to babysit the contractors so they don 't trash Mom 's house , and to make sure they even show up . Alfredo did show up in a nice van with his company name and number on it . He is by himself though . I asked him why he didn 't have a helper , and he said the guy quit today . How awful ! I told him to let us help him , but he refused . Guess what the very first thing was that he did ? He got a large scrap of new , clean carpet to put in the entryway so " he wouldn 't mess up my house " ! Well , that was it . I knew from that alone that the guy was going to make me happy . He has to lay a new floor in the bathroom . When Lowe 's came out to do it last summer , they said they don 't remove the old floor - - they just put the new floor on top of whatever is already on it . So the bathroom had two layers on it with five holes drilled through it . At 10 : 00 , Alfredo left to take a well - deserved break . I went to see what he had been doing . OMG , was I ever surprised ! You could eat off the cement , it was so clean . He scraped up the entire floor , removed the toilet , and he removed all the baseboards . Remember it had a 40 - year - old floor and the new floor I put last summer on it . The last company didn 't remove anything ! I could not even FIND the toilet Alfredo took up . Look at where it was - - as neat as could be in the hall closet . Wow ! What a guy ! I am so thrilled to have found him . He does it RIGHT - - not fast and cheap . Whatever he charges , he will have earned . He put the new floor in - - put the toilet back - - and put all the trim back . Then he caulked all around everything . I wish you could see a before and after picture ! I think the moral of this story is DON ' T have the carpet store install your carpet . They will do it the cheapest way possible . This guy works for himself . He told Jerry that he used to work for Home Depot . Home Depot made him lay hard tile OVER linoleum . That is just WRONG ! I am SO GLAD we found Mr . Alfredo ! Okay , it is now the next day . Alfredo was supposed to be here 8 minutes ago . PLEASE don 't break my heart , Alfredo , and screw up your perfect record ! It just so happens , that the largest quilt shop in Oklahoma is 30 minutes away from here in Hennessey , OK . Jerry told me to take his little van and go there yesterday , so what could I say . I guess he was tired of me sitting across this table from him watching him work . So I went to Prairie Quilts , and I found 9 new fabrics I needed to make future blouses with - - ALFREDO IS HERE ! ! ! ! ! YEAH ! ! ! ! ! I heard him apologize to Jerry for being a few minutes late . An APOLOGY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Somebody better give me mouth - to - mouth ! Yes , that is what I am this morning . My photography skills are sadly lacking , but I do know that you need a camera - - a tripod - - and good lighting . When I take pictures , I always have shadows all over me because the lights in this house are all up on the ceiling . It makes me look like I have 50 chins instead of only 25 ! So I got this BRIGHT idea this morning . My husband has two little lights on his desk that have turny shades on them . I decided to aim them toward myself to see if I could could get a brighter picture . And then I had to figure out how to build a tripod so I could take the picture . So check it out . Here 's my super duper high tech photography studio ! Well , that is where the " clown " part comes in . This nutty amoeba blouse that now has black trim - - thanks to Joy2 - - was in yesterday 's post that disappeared . Evidently , the bloggosphere blew up when it saw it ! I am going to try to post a pic of it again though so you can see it with the LOVELY floral shoes I found to go with it . I won 't be leaving the house in this , but I took a pic anyway . Such loveliness ! I received a phone call a few minutes ago from the Paralyzed Veterans of America asking for donations . Their truck will be coming by my house on April 26th . I have a feeling this blouse and the MATCHING shoes will be in the bag ! I went to the Bernina store and refinanced my house to buy a single hole stitch plate for my sewing machine . That means I can now sew the slinky fabrics with ease . I really like the way they FEEL on my skin . You know my sensitive skin . I can feel the tiniest nothing on my skin , and it feels like a brick . This is true . When we were first married , Jerry used to want to rest his hand on me while we were sleeping . I guess he wanted to hold me down or something . No ! He just wanted to hug me . BUT , I could not sleep . I felt like there was a heavy brick pressing down on me . I had to finally tell him . THANK GOD Jerry is not easily offended . In fact , you can 't hardly offend him no matter what you say or do , which is really great when you are married to my personality . He just said , " You should have told me sooner . " His hand was probably getting tired anyway ! Poor Margaret . We went to dinner the other night , and she started talking about her brother writing a book and how he got the past all screwed up . He even said he had a dog when he was growing up , and Margaret said the dog never existed . So , I got to telling her about my childhood and how it has gotten so distorted by my family . They , of course , don 't think so . They have " their side of the story " , and to them , it is nothing but the truth . Well , I think I lived my own life - - maybe I didn 't - - but I have my memories . I would NEVER write a book because if by some MIRACLE , someone actually read it , my sisters would call Bill O ' Reilly and tell him what a horrible person I am and how I wrecked the entire family . My brother would say a prayer and tell God how NEGATIVE I am ! Oh , the stories I could tell . Anyway , I decided Margaret would never know my sisters or my brother , so I could tell her MY version of my life story . There we were - - at the Longhorn Restaurant with Jerrod waiting on us - - eating our fabulous steaks and lobster - covered baked potato - - YUM ! ! ! - - and I started my long story . Margaret listened intently as she always does , and I just kept on going . I didn 't think about it until I was lying in bed at 11 PM that night , but I thought , " OMG ! , What if the whole restaurant could hear me ? ! " Jerrod did come by once and tell me that he would have been there sooner , but my story sounded so serious , he didn 't want to interrupt me . He probably left to call 911 and have me committed ! Since my last post disappeared into thin air , I will show you again the picture of our storm cellar . I haven 't seen it , but Jerry sent me a picture . Isn 't it nice ? We always said we would never need one , but with tornadoes happening a dozen at a time all over the US , we thought maybe it was time . It is over there behind the trees . That is one or both of our cats you see next to it . I put a picture of my grandson , Boo Bear , in yesterday 's post , so I will put it here again . I call him Sgt . Boo Bear . He always says , " I 'm not a Sergeant , Grandma . " I tell him I will call him General Boo Bear then . He will be home tomorrow for a few weeks as I posted a few days ago . Here is a pic I snapped last time I saw him : We adore this child ! He practically lived with us from birth until he was 3 years old . He makes wise choices and is very respectful of his elders and his peers . He makes friends very easily . Her name is Hollie , and she is BEAUTIFUL ! Not only is she beautiful , she is as darling as he is . High grades in school , helps other people and children in some capacity ( don 't remember what agency ) , loves everybody she meets . Last I heard , she wants to be a Physical Therapist . They will marry next weekend - - I think - - and she has to finish High School . John ( Boo Bear ) will fly from here to ALASKA leaving her behind to finish school . Then she will fly by herself to join him in Alaska . She will go to college there . Her Dad was in the Army , so she is very familiar with the " drill " . John says they still want to come to our house for a weekend , so we are very excited about that . We will have a celebration - - IF they ever come out of the bedroom . Seriously ! How many new brides say , " Darling , let 's go visit your grandparents and go fishing on our honeymoon . " I 've gotta go . Need to get ready to go to Jerry 's Mom 's house in Kingfisher tonight . The carpet guy , Alfredo , will be there at 8 AM . He speaks very little English , but his wife speaks it pretty well . Hope she comes with him ! I 've never had this happen before . I had a post today , but it completely disappeared . How bazaar . I even had a comment from MK Hughes . Sorry . I 'm not retyping that whole thing . Check in tomorrow . I am so glad I have two " clerk " stories to tell you tonight . I hate to always just talk about bad service because it makes me sound like a person that nobody can please , and that is not true at all . I am very easy to please . Just give me good service . We demand it from our employees . Our clerks will walk out into the parking lot to your car if they see you need help . After lunch with Phylly at TGI Friday 's , I decided I needed to quit procrastinating and go buy a new carpet vacuum . I have always been a Sears Kenmore Canister / Carpet Vac lover , but somebody at Kenmore that obviously never had used a vacuum in his / her life , decided to CHANGE the model I love , and when they did , they ruined it . I had researched this several months ago , and I knew about the change , but I thought since I was at the mall already , I would go look at the Progressive vacuums at Sears one more time , and maybe by some miracle they would be changed BACK to the way they used to be . I walked over to the vacuums and started talking to the vacuums . I noticed two girls doing something on the other side of the aisle , so I started speaking to them . They ignored me . I asked if they worked there . Yes , they did , but someone else would have to help me . So I looked for " someone else " and sure enough , she was walking toward me . She was a nice looking lady with a lot of hair . She wore a strange purse / back pack sort of thing wrapped all around her body . She was 40ish I would say . I told her how I USED to love this Progressive vacuum and that I didn 't like the way they changed it . She took it down off display and was going to SHOW me that I was wrong . She started to pull the wand out of the handle , but she couldn 't figure out how to do it . She pulled and she pushed and she moved the buttons all around . I took it from her and showed her how to take it apart . She kept telling me how she knew all about this vacuum and how wonderful it was . I handed it back to her . I told her I didn 't like the way they permanently attached the little round brush to the end of the hand part of the wand . She said she would SHOW me that you could remove it . She pushed and pulled and fiddled with the buttons . AGAIN , I took it from her and showed her how to do it . Oh , yes , she knew all about this vacuum , and it was the top of the line . I handed it back to her again . Then I explained that it was too big to slide the wand in between the frig and the wall or in between the washer and dryer . She said she would SHOW me that she could do it . VERY WEIRD . She puts the little skinny thing on that you do edges with and tells me that you just use it . I took it from her again . I turned around and tried to put it between a box and the wall and , of course , it would not go in at all because of the remodeling of the handheld part made to hold the little round brush . She couldn 't believe it , and she FINALLY saw what I was telling her from the first minute we met . By that time , I figured out I knew WAY MORE than that girl ever would about that vacuIt takes a Y bag , but we don 't have any Y bags . We only have Y / Z bags , but you can use the Y / Z bags with it . I tell her I want to buy some bags for it . We walk over to the vac bags hanging on the wall . I am watching her every move . She reaches up and chooses a package of TWO Y / Z bags and tells me I need them . I can see hanging RIGHT NEXT TO THE Y / Z bags that there is a package of Y bags . I say to her , " Aren 't those Y bags right there ? " She looks and she sees them . THEN she says , " Yes , those are Y bags but you want these Y / Z bags . " I ask her why . She says there are 2 Y / Z 's in the box . I point out that there are 3 Y bags in a box . " Oh " , she says . Then she says , " Well , you don 't want those because these are better because they filter up to 97 . 5 % of allergens . " I pick up the Y bags and written plainly on the front it says , " Filters 97 . 5 % of allergens " . I show it to her and point out that it is also several dollars cheaper and has one more bag . She finally gives up . Then she tries to put my phone number and my name in the computer . She messed that up over and over . We had to keep starting all over . Finally , she got the thing sold to me . She said I could pick it up at the package pick - up door . She took my receipt and started walking away with it . I asked her where she was going . She said she was going to the package pick - up dept to tell them I was coming . I started to take my bags and go find the down escalator when I noticed her walking back to me . She said again , I 'm going to take this to package pick - up , but you can go there and get your vacuum . Okay . She walked away again , but turned around shortly and came back to me . She said , " Here is your receipt . Just take it to package pick - up " . Isn 't it just UNbelievable ? These clerks are so poorly trained . They don 't know the product or the register or the routine . I was very patient with the girl , because it was obvious she had some mental issues . I wasn 't in a hurry and I didn 't insult her or rush her . I felt really sorry for her though because she sure wasn 't prepared to do that job . I basically sold myself the vacuum . So THAT was the salesgirl story . I came home with my new vacuum and hauled the big box into the house and sat it up against Jerry 's desk and forgot about it . I came back into my sewing room to fix my amoeba blouse per the other Joy 's ( I 'll call her Joy2 ) comment . I was finished with it and taking a picture for Joy2 when my doorbell rang . It was Margaret ! ! ! I was so happy to see her . She came over to inform me that Phylly was NOT my ONLY friend . I said , " Good , come in and let 's go out to dinner . " We fixed our faces - - I changed my shoes - - and we left with no idea at all where we were going to eat . It was 5 : 00 . Margaret said she wanted to show me the house she and her husband built years ago that she had sold and would love to have back . So we drove over to her old neighborhood , and I parked in front of her very lovely x - home . I could certainly see why she missed it so much . Then we walked across the street to talk to a good friend and x - neighbor of hers , Betty . Then Betty 's husband came out . I think his name was Jay . Both very nice people . All four of us discussed restaurants , and one of them mentioned Longhorn . AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! ! ! THAT is where that darling Jerrod works that waited on us a couple weeks ago . I decided that I wanted to go there , and Margaret didn 't care where we went . We arrived and I asked for Jerrod to wait on us . The girl wanted to know WHICH Jerrod . " You mean there are TWO of them " , I said . The girl explained that one was a waiter and one was a bartender . I chose the waiter , and sure ' nuf - - it was the same sweet Jerrod . He remembered me or , at least , said he did . He was just as nice and helpful and friendly . Margaret said he was a flirt . I did see him wink at her , and he practically sat in her lap when she offered him a seat next to her . When we were done eating , Margaret had to visit the little girl 's room . While she was gone , another couple - - old like us - - came and sat at the booth right behind me . Jerrod went over and introduced himself and started talking to them . After a couple of minuAnd THAT was the waiter story - - both in the same day ! My soldier grandson whom I affectionately call " Boo Bear " texted me today to tell me he is coming home this Friday . He knows how much I adore him and that I would be thrilled to know that . He gets to stay for several weeks . He said he is coming down to our home to stay for three days and go fishing with his Papa . I told Jerry , and he was as excited as I am . That is a real big thing for me to look forward to . He is a wonderful , responsible , gorgeous 19 - year old young man who makes wise choices in life and is very respectful to his elders . This child gives me GREAT joy ! After John left for the Army , my daughter brought some boxes of his belongings over to put in my attic , and I hugged the boxes . You get the idea . Okay . It is an hour later . I just heard from my daughter for the first time since last October . She called to say that her son , John , ( Boo Bear ) has decided to get married while he is home . His fiance ' is still a Senior in High School . Wow ! Things sure can change fast in a Grandma 's world . His girlfriend is as lovely as he is , so it is a good thing . I can 't imagine that they will still want to come to our house , but my daughter says he does . WARNING ! Watch for my emotions to go through the roof . John leaves from his short visit home to go to Alaska . He is in Boston , MA right now . Thank God for the sunshine today ! ! ! It has been cloudy for over a week here , and I need sunshine for motivation . We have had a lot of rain , and I 'm thankful for that , but we could use a break now . Rev . Hagee was on the mark this morning - - as always . He talked about the downfall of the Huge Roman Empire and how all that is going on in America right now is exactly the same as what happened way back then . Our freedom of religion is being taken away right before our eyes , and Christians are just sitting back thinking it 's no big deal . Well , THIS Christian isn 't ! I want to do SOMETHING , but I don 't know HOW or WHAT I can do other than pray . Our young people are so ignorant of everything except , " I 'm going to do it MY way , and nobody is going to tell me I can 't . " So extremely sad . Hagee said that George Washington said that America would never survive if it wasn 't governed by principles of the Bible . Well , here we are , my friends . Over 50 % divorce rate even in the church , and a huge percentage of young people living together and having children with no marriage at all . The family structure is what makes a country strong . Values at home - - values in government . Pretty simple . The things our congressmen do and get away with are things dirty books are written about . And the mass murder of unborn children . How does God watch it and allow it ? I wonder if He regrets giving us free will . And , of course , I know the answer to that . God doesn 't think like I do . Without free will , we don 't have a CHOICE as to whether to love him or not . Love without choice , is not love . I have my brand new slinky top on today . It feels so soft and silky on my skin . No rubby places . It was NOT easy to sew . Especially , the neckline . I was pleasantly surprised when it turned out as good as it did . I think the BEST solution for sewing on this water - like fabric is to have the single hole feed dog cover plate . I don 't have one for the machine I was using , so I am going to go on line to see if I can find one . This top was made using my Sure - fit Designs KNIT blueprint . I removed the large bust dart and put in a French Dart . Here is a picture of the paper pattern showing the change . I actually left in the waist darts for extra fullness , and that worked out fine . Notice how I cut out the innards of the large French dart and made seam allowances for it . You don 't want all that extra fabric in there . It just so happens that Glenda Sparling of Sure - Fit Designs has a new video I 've not seen before called " How to Perfect the Dart Cutting Line After Moving the Dart . " She will show you EXACTLY what I did to get my French dart ; however , she doesn 't cut out the innards of it because her dart is a " B " . Mine is a " Z " , I think ! Here 's the link : Here are some pics of my new top . The fabric is from gorgeousfabrics . com , and the pattern was from my Sure - fit Designs dress kit bodice KNIT blueprint . Whew ! Say that 3 times real fast . I want to make some more of these . SO , SO comfortable . Maybe I 'll try a ruffle around the v - neck on the next one . It is noon on Sunday , and I have the rest of the afternoon to do SOMETHING . Jerry called awhile ago just to talk - - how sweet is that - - and he told me he is GLAD to be rid of Kirk . I am GLAD he is GLAD because I hate it if he doesn 't approve of something I do or say . God Bless and have a WONDERFUL day ! I am a semi - retired business owner - secretary - bookkeeper . My husband still works all the time . I spend a lot of time sewing these days and reading blogs of others who sew . Underneath each day 's post you will see the word " Comments " . It may have a number in front of it like this " 2 Comments " . Click on that , and it will take you to a comment box . If the choices of accounts don 't make sense , choose " Anonymous " . Just put your first name in the post please so I 'll know who you are . |
It had been coming apart in the woods behind our house for many years - well before Mama went away and Gammy came to live with us , before my sister Gertie and I were even born . It was an abandoned access road . A faded strip of grey carved through the trees . And this road had been our hideout . The asphalt was cracked through ; it was like ice breaking on a pond as the cold begins to thaw , and those cracks would get swollen with weeds and wildflowers in the summers when Gertie and I would play there - making circles of daisy chains to wear on our heads , laying pictures in chalk on the road 's empty spaces . Sometimes we 'd lie down on the warm asphalt under the easy New England sun - birch trees high and fair on either side of the broken road , their shadows softening the heat around us - to watch the clouds make faces , to watch birds sailing against the sky , their bodies dark crosses above us . In that first summer after Mama was gone , when I had just turned nine , and Gertie was six , we still played there , but it was different now ; most of those days we 'd end up talking about her - we couldn 't help it . For our mother had vanished one September afternoon on no reason that anyone could say , and we 'd had nothing , not a word from her since . We had questions , though , hard ones , wondering what had happened , and why our mama had left . But with no scent to lead us after her , these questions , at least in me , would get carried like stones , their tension a grief I 'd not easily be rid of . I would wait a long time before I discovered the answers . And then I wished that I could have them out of me ; which is to say , I did not hope to remain myself . Out on our road my sister and I would tell each other stories - imagining what Mama was doing , and where she might be , or whether she still looked like Mama , the one in the pictures on our father 's nightstand , and in the leather photo albums etched with fancy gold lettering that were put away in neat stacks under his bed . Many times we 'd pull those albums out when our father " Girls - . Maggie , Gertie . " Our father was knocking on our bedroom door , and though his voice wasn 't loud , I could tell he meant it . " I need you to come downstairs , girls . " There was a pause . " Please . I need to speak to you . " Then silence . " Okay , " I called out , trying to sound more alert than I was . I listened to his footsteps move down the hall , and then their tread on the stairs . Gertie and I were still in bed - it was Saturday morning and the weekends we usually slept in some , but when I looked over at the bedside clock it was only six - thirty . I was still tired ; a noise had woken me in the middle of the night , probably just a truck battling down the road , something louder than usual , I don 't know - but I 'd had a hard time falling back to sleep . " What 's going on ? " asked Gertie , her voice in a fog . My sister Gertie and I shared a bedroom , and even though we didn 't have to - there was a perfectly good extra room down the hall - that 's what we wanted . Our room was a large one , painted a pale blue with white trim , and we each had our own side , our own bed ; and I liked having my sister there when the world got dark , or when the willies got to me for no real reason , just because they did sometimes . " I don 't know , " I said , pushing my covers back . I grabbed my moccasins and slid them over my feet . But even as I said it , I wondered if my father had noticed the car ; if that 's what this was about . Because , the day before , I 'd climbed into the Oldsmobile - our family car - to listen to the radio . I wasn 't supposed to be there by myself , and I 'd been clumsy , somehow I 'd pushed the emergency brake out of place . The car had rolled back - not much , maybe one or two feet - before I realized what was going on , but I 'd stopped it , I mean nothing bad had happened ; the car and I had both been fine . Yet here was guilt making me look elsewhere : " Did the back door get left open ? Maybe a raccoon went into the garbage again . Mama wasn 't happy about that . " My sister cut in . " It waI remember too well how that day felt inside me ; its moments are burnt into glass . They are something unnatural . There was too much space between familiar things , between me and the chairs and the walls and the ground . There was too much space between these things and the me inside of me moving amongst them ; there was no determining . No matter what I did , it felt as if I were dissolving in air . I remember Julia coming to our house before the morning was done , and I remember many phone calls , and words being spoken in private , and our father going out , and then disappearing upstairs into his room for a long time ; and I remember Gertie asking me questions about when Mama would be home , and me making things up - the beginning of our stories , I guess . And , still , I didn 't cry . But it 's true how the bottom of yourself will show up when things gets hard . Even then I could call on some kind of resilience , an ability to get along no matter what ; to buck it up and keep going . I kept my sad hidden , turned away so I wouldn 't fall apart . I did it without thinking . I did it then , and would do it many other times in the years to come . Before , I had one life . But now there were two : the one before my mother left , and the one after . The second one took things away . It would happen daily - things went missing that I never thought could : Mama painting in the garden , the twigs and flowers and green world springing out of her hand like she was a magician ; the warm bread smell of her skin when she 'd lean into me ; the days she let us stay home from school because the weather was bad , gathering my sister and I close so she could read us stories ; and the so many other ways she was and that I wanted to keep , even as they were being carried away from me like stillborns . It was Julia who had finally taken us up to our room - and it was far past anything like bedtime . She told us our father had to go somewhere , talk to somebody , and maybe it was true , but when I think about it now , he probably couldn 't stomach looking at us , our fChapter 2 For several months after our mama 's disappearance , though it seemed like ages slicing into stone , our father would shut himself up in his bedroom , sometimes for days at a time . He 'd lock the door , and even when Gert and I begged him to come out , he 'd tell us from the other side that he was tired , that he 'd come down when he felt better . And if we kept at him too long , eventually we 'd get only silence . Sometimes Gertie or I would press an ear to the door , listening really hard for some sign of him in there , but it was pointless ; we didn 't hear a thing . " You leave your Daddy alone , " Gammy would say when she 'd catch us there . " He 's having a hard time . He 'll come out when he 's good and ready , and you 're both going to learn to be patient . Now scoot . " We 'd go back to our room , or downstairs , and Gert and I would start playing again , though for me , it wasn 't so simple anymore . Where once there 'd been uninterrupted pleasure , disquiet now dogged me , and I couldn 't quite get back to my earlier self , because even if I did , it was as if I 'd all of a sudden notice it too much ; and that would stubbornly remind me again of what had happened to us , and I knew I was different now . But I 'd try to get on , there wasn 't much choice , and Gert did too , though neither of us could know - how could we - the nature of the other 's experience . My sister was quieter those first months after Mama had gone , we both were , but one morning end of October , I saw it - my sister , smiling , lining up her ark of wooden animals , arranging them from smallest to largest , the field mice coming first and the elephants at the very end . And it wasn 't a moment , I 'd looked over several times , her face still lit up , and it was good to know - better than me , it seemed - she was doing okay . In those early days , Gammy barely stopped moving . She took to our household seriously , her mind keen to straighten and scrub and shine , humming quietly or singing some small refrain as she did . It was the bright smell of lemon , i * Until our father got better , he took most of his meals upstairs . Gammy would bring food on a tray , which she 'd set outside his room . She didn 't go into his room ; nobody did . His privacy was rigorous , his door conspicuously locked . In the evenings , Gammy would have dinner with Gert and I in the proper dining room , continuing the Gilley custom to make the evening meal a family occasion . But the substance of our family had been perverted , as if someone had crudely blacked out several faces from an intimate group portrait . Gammy would sit at the head of the table , adopting our father 's place , with my sister and I on either side ; and while I 'm quite sure we talked about different things , mostly , Gammy told stories about Mama . We wanted to feel like she was still there with us , but the queer truth of it is how much of her did remain : it was in the life of objects , the way they held her , like a fingerprint on glass , or the heat left on an empty chair . She was there in the houseplants - the English Ivy , and the Fatsia , the terra cotta pots of Chinese Evergreen - who lived beside the bay window in the living room , and on the big counter at the front of the kitchen . They were her " quiet children , " she 'd told us with a smile , and they 'd been doted on , that was true , what with her cooing at them , and fussing over their appearance - trimming and watering , encouraging their leaves up and out with her hands . And she was there in the front hall , in the stack of a half - dozen hats still resting on a bench . Nobody had wanted to put them away , not in the early days . Our mother almost always wore a hat when she went out for her walks , and this was nearly every day , even in winter . I 'd seen her in each one of them : the big - brimmed straw hat with pretend flowers on it ; a similar , smaller one , though plain ; a blue knitted cap with ear flaps ; and a bushy , furred hat for the cold that I had especially liked , and would try on when I was looking for something to do , capering in front of the mirror , pretending to be my mothMy grandmother relished telling a story ; she was a full - on performer who thrived by being the center . Her whole bearing would change when she was holding forth - it was perfectly visible - she 'd sit higher , the gestures of her hands becoming more deliberate , and what was most noticeable : the way her eyes would grow brighter , or slit with dark suggestion , depending on what she was coaxing out of the air ; whether funambulists and delicate , floating glitter , or chunks of ice and sheeted drawing rooms . Gert and I could not have been a better audience - I mean , we were ready - mades ; we so earnestly wanted to hear about our mother . We wanted to know what she was like when she was growing up , what kinds of things she did ; we wanted to know how she 'd met our father - in truth , we were anxious for any word about her , no matter how small . Some of these things we already knew , but in a less careful way , more indistinct , because we 'd carried them only loosely ; we hadn 't known how soon our mother would be gone , we hadn 't realized how much the things she 'd told us would matter . Even if we 'd heard some of the stories before , we didn 't care ; they had enormous power to hold us to them . Most often Gammy would get her words going the same way - about how kind , and how high in spirits our mama was , how Gammy had been lucky to have a daughter like that ; and there was something satisfying about this , like the lights slipping down at a movie theater . Then Gammy would get into the thick of the thing : a story , an earlier time remade in telling that would let us be with our mother again . And I knew that it would only be a matter of time before this was true . That was the only ending I saw , and I 'd made sure Gert had seen it too . Our stories - they were the air we breathed , but they were still only placeholders , they were our just - for - the - meantimes . But there was one occasion - barely a month after Mama had vanished - that I remember too well ; Gammy had really outdone herself , but she 'd also showed us something irretriev * It used to be that when dinner was finished , Gertie and I would scamper off to the living - room to play . We almost always got away with it . Even if Mama would protest on occasion , she wasn 't strict about bedtime , and we knew it . Sometimes she 'd get down on the floor with us , helping with our towers , and our puzzles , the pencil drawings we liked to make ; but Gammy , she laid down the law : there was to be no more " lollygagging " downstairs . As soon as dinner was done , she 'd shoo us up the stairs caboose - style , most times Gert going first , determinedly moving our train forward . But there was one thing in those days that stayed very much the same . Because when my sister and I were under the covers , scrubbed - down and tooth - pasted and gleaming , Gammy would sit in the middle of our bedroom and she 'd read to us - which is precisely what Mama had done . Except that Mama never read us the Bible . Gammy was good about it though - we 'd get the Bible first , but she always made room for the stories my sister and I had picked out . Unless Gert fell asleep - cutting the readings short - our grandmother didn 't cheat us . I still easily recall those stories I loved most , the ones I 'd beg - as soon as we 'd reached the end - to have read aloud again : The Secret Garden , Nightbirds on Nantucket , The Lion , the Witch and the Wardrobe , Five Children and It . But there are others almost equally adored , and I remember them too . This part of my life I still loved , loved it despite Mama being gone . Maybe I came to love it more ; I could disappear into the dark , I could close my own life behind me , letting images made from words fill up inside my head , pulling me forward into places where it didn 't matter what had happened in my real , broken into life . I felt safe in our room . Under the covers , and inside the beauty of words where nothing bad could happen to me . Only two small bedside lamps gave any shape to the room , and our story - teller would sit in that pale light , an almost subterranean presence , dressed inevitably in one oChapter Three ( Early November 1968 ) It was Saturday morning , very early , the light had just barely come on , but we could see a storm all around us . My sister and I were in the living room , towards the big bay window at the front of the house , playing . A spotted coat of snow was moving through the air , dense and searingly white , and the trees near the window would shake violently when the wind got matted in them . I didn 't like the sound of the glass . It cracked whips at us ; it kept threatening to give . I 'd get Gertie to be very still with me , just listening , as if the wind was an unseen predator and we couldn 't afford to move with it being so close . Every now and then it brought itself to a stiff hum ; coming at our ears like the lowest note on a guitar sent razoring through the air . There was a certain thrill in this , our protected life poised so close against the uncertain one outside . But we made sure not to flaunt it . We kept a respecting distance from that wind - wracked glass . On early weekend mornings we were alone , and I was glad for it . Gammy 's occasional outbursts meant things were lighter without her . But this never lasted long . Eventually she 'd join us , clattering the way from her bedroom off the first floor hall - she was not stealthy except with criticism ; and that , I 'd been quick to figure out , would come on like an arrow hissing through a secret window . I didn 't expect to see our father - he left his room so very little that fall that I was always surprised when he did appear ; and then it made me uneasy . To look at him was to see a man cornered by sadness : burnt - eyed unshaved , and through all those months , I never saw him out of his pajamas . I could tell he was getting thinner because the pajama legs had started dragging against the floor , and his cheeks had fallen in like the battered ghost of Jacob Marley . I was eight , but I understood this was bad . Those rare times he did come down he never stayed long . He 'd join us for a meal - though he wouldn 't eat much , he just moved food around , and I imagine he felt he was supposed to be with us , though what he deep down wanted , I think he 'd rather have stayed upstairs until Mama came home , and unmade the danger cloud hovering above him . But he 'd ask the right questions , like what we 'd been up to , and how we were getting along ; and he 'd mess up our hair the way too many adults do to kids , which , anyway , wasn 't something I remembered him doing before Mama left . But there wasn 't much vigor in these things , the meaning had been removed , the sentiment imitative . So remote had our father been over the last weeks , it was as if my sister and I had lost both parents , the one following after the other . " My , my , my , " Gammy declared , staring through the Bay window into the storm . " You 'd think the world was coming to an end out there . All worked up like this - it 's quite something , isn 't it ? " The snow was backing up towards the sky , a plaything of the wind , though I knew it would find a place in the end , whether the hard ground , or the web of tree branches out there , or the steady , black - shingled roof above us . I was trying to teach Gert how to do Cat 's Cradle - I 'm not sure if it was a game exactly , but it was played with a long piece of string , its two ends knotted together . My friend Annie had showed it to me , and it had amazed me to find a puzzle that moved . It had been a high spot in days when each one was a measure , gathering miles , coldly increasing the distance to wherever our mother might be . Annie was my best childhood friend ; I 'd known her since I was five , and would know her in my life for a long time to come . I was trying to remember what my friend had taught me ; there was a lot of talking , and pointing at the string on my sister 's hands , but when I had to pinch the sides of the cradle together I 'd get muddled , and we 'd have to start over , and I don 't think Gert was learning much of anything . " It 's too hard , " she said , her mouth a small , wobbly pout . Gammy had turned away from the storm , and when I glanced up , the look on her face was so satisfied , it was as if the chaos swirling outside had been her idea all along . The storm had pushed all the light down ; had slipped a sodium mask over the colors in our house , slowing them , like they 'd been soaked in age . With her long white hair shawled about her shoulders , and the strange light that day , Gammy looked to me like she 'd come to us out of an old photograph . Like a person given to traveling in time . Now that she 'd filled herself with the theatre outside , Gammy took notice of Gert and me playing behind her : " And what are you girls up to ? " she said , bending over to take a closer look . " Trying to do Cat 's Cra * Gertie got up first , using her elbows as leverage . Our father was out of his bedroom . And though the appearance of a ghost most of all harvests fear , he was still our father ; my sister wanted his attention , wanted to show him things . " Look , Daddy , " she cried . " I made a Cat 's Cradle . " She scrabbled over to him at the bottom of the stairs , holding the treasure out in front . Being six , she only came up to the tops of his legs , but she was all sparkplug beside him , exaggerated now because his native vitality had been left in some bleak outpost , needing the bullish light of lesser latitudes to revive it . " G ' morning , Jack , " said Gammy , beginning to get up . " How 're we doing ? " From where I sat this looked like a jumble of blue suddenly straightening itself out . " So , I imagine people are wanting something to eat , " she said , already heading towards the kitchen . She called back to us : " And when I holler for you , no slugabedding , you girls . I mean it . " " What is it ? " he asked gently , pausing to see what Gert was so excited about . And when our father came into the living room , murmuring hello to Gammy as she passed , I remember he let his fingertips brush against my shoulder . It was a small thing , but I don 't know , I remember it . Gert followed him to one of the wingchairs , and as soon as he sat down , my sister got onto her skinny knees , leaning into the armrest , and set her string - cradled hands in his lap as if to say : This . " Very pretty , sweetheart , " said our father , his hands quiet in his lap as Gertie wiggled around beside him . He was wearing a sweater over his pajamas , and he had a thick beard now - coarse , ashy looking - something abandoned . " Gammy taught me , " she said . " That 's nice . " His voice was threadbare . He adjusted his legs as Gert jumped down on the floor between his shins , while I moved over to sit across from them . My little legs must have looked something helpless , dangling over the seat there , not even reaching the ground . " And how are you doing , honey ? " hIt was at breakfast that it came to me . Little did I suspect how it would further disturb my already shaken world , that it would uncover more fragile bone behind the mirrors . But I didn 't feel like I 'd thought it up : my plan was just there , all at once , almost inevitable , though when I think of it now , it was absurdly ill - conceived ; there was no guarantee it would do anything but make me a contagion of very bad behavior . But it was all I had . We were in the dining room , Gertie and I across from our father , Gammy at the head . Sprigs of holly , their berries like red pearls , were arranged in the middle of the table - Gammy 's doing . Everything about that room was pleasure , like one of those old Dutch interiors I 'd come to know in Mama 's art books - the glossy moldings , the marble clock shaped like a Napoleon hat , the cornflower blue walls , and the stern portrait of our great Uncle Massey ( on our mother 's side ) in the hand - made frame carved into with tree branches , each of them balancing a different bird ; in real life Uncle Massey had been an exceedingly devoted - Gammy called him a loop - dee - loo - American bird - watcher . And in the pleasure of that room , I was stopped by a growing distress that put me at a loss . Reluctantly , Gert had removed the string from her hands . It was collapsed in a red jumble to the side of her plate . Our father was drinking a tea , slowly , almost gingerly , and even though Gammy had gone ahead and made him a meal , he was barely touching it . And Gammy , well , she was story - telling . That was just Gammy , of course , but she did most of the talking back then anyway . I missed a lot of what she said that morning ; I couldn 't help it , half of me was elsewhere , thinking about my father , scrambling around the problem of what to do like I 'd built my own maze and then , perversely , dropped myself in . I did catch some of what my grandmother said though - she had spoken of a tremendous old church in Spain that she and our grandfather had visited , a sanctuary she 'd said ; and there was something Chapter 4 As I headed up the stairs , my heart was pounding . Each step I took away from the dining room my legs moved faster . My father would be coming up soon ; I knew I didn 't have much time . In my room , the first thing I did was grab my sleeping bag from the closet . I quickly unrolled it , laying the red cotton rectangle flat atop my bed . Then I 'd folded it up , close enough to my own size as I could guess ; and with barely enough time to breathe , I 'd pushed the sleeping bag under both the sheets and my thick comforter . I wanted to make it look like I was asleep in bed , and the only way to do this was to pull all my bedding over the sleeping bag right up to the headboard , like I 'd cocooned myself completely . If I was going to fool anybody , not a bit of red sleeping bag could show . Annie and I had done this same things last winter when we 'd snuck out in the middle of the night , inching carefully past her parent 's bedroom , to see the first snowfall . Her brother Brian - her older brother - he 's the one who 'd showed her how . I 'd never done anything with such speed in my life , and there wasn 't much chance to stop and see whether it looked believable - I could only hope it would do . The last thing before I left the room , I made sure to pull the blinds and shut off the overhead light . Then I closed the door . I didn 't take a second look ; I had to keep going . On Indian feet I ran down the hall . Any sharper convergence of skin and exposed floor was dealt with by my unwitting grandmother , her voice still holding forth , rising vaguely , like the hum of water over stones , to the second floor . And as I 'd suspected , yes ! My father 's door was open . Not very wide , but wide enough that as I stood hesitating at its border , I could see a single panel of blue curtain hanging from one of my parent 's windows . I was remembering the room in my head now , and it was almost achingly plural ; it was my mother and father 's bedroom . It was theirs . I was taken aback to find hot tears blurring my eyes . I quickly wiped tThere was no way to tell how long I 'd been in my hiding space . It might have been twenty minutes , it might have been an hour ; or maybe it was even a few . I was a child ; my sense of time wasn 't fully formed - it was an image in a funhouse mirror , all proportion wavering and stumbling - though I suppose one measure was that I hadn 't been caught . A still better gauge might have been how at some point I got the honest to god fidgets . It was awful ; too much nervous fizz , and I unable to let go any of it . I couldn 't flutter my knees , or shake out my wrists ; one wrong move and I 'd be giving myself away . It got bad in that crawl space . I think my nerves must have backed up in me , jamming themselves into tension - for my head had started to pound ; and from there , my legs cramped up from sitting too long in the same cross - legged position . These were limitations I hadn 't considered . I grew increasingly more uncomfortable - one side of my leg went so numb it was like a broken light , it was just gone ; and with all this , a fly had appeared from out of nowhere , buzzing wildly on and off in my ear like a taunt . I realized then - with no shortage of dread , but far more disappointment - it was time to get out of there . I leant back from the door , my upper body finally letting go as I allowed it to slump into itself . Tiny filaments of light poked at me through the cupboard . There I was then , sunk down in my hollows , knowing I hadn 't accomplished anything . But there was no time to be sorry for myself because if I was going , I needed to be ready . I would at least work out the steps before I took them . Getting the door open , that was the first thing , doing it in small quarters to prevent anything mean and squawky . Then I 'd have to get really low , under the radar of my fathers ' bed , crawling along the floor to his door . I was trying to picture everything in my head - a talisman to make me more sure of myself . But I couldn 't tell whether I 'd be able to unlock the door without standing - and this was important . I prI couldn 't grasp what it meant . A member of some remote tribe who - knowing nothing of modern invention - shown a photo of their own child , will not recognize a face there , merely different shapes of color or shades of gray . Because for them , an image - any image - might just as well be a gorse bush , or a cloud , or a small painted chair . So with I , having no experience to make sense of things , I was at a loss , blindly watching my father repeat one small action like a mantra . When all of it , the whole scene before me , on the brink of moving from the ambiguous benign into the terrible fact , did finally turn - like a body rolled over to announce stick eyes and an unmoving chest - it all happened without any change , without a sign , just the day continuing on . Except that my father shifted . My father shifted - he turned , it was just enough - turned towards the back wall , towards the garden , towards where the access road lay out behind our house , buried there under inches of snow . It meant his left leg coming onto the bed ; it meant one knee flat against the covers , a shin parallel to the headboard . At first I supposed that his pajama bottoms had ridden up because he 'd shifted - I could see one bare knee , a thigh . But , also , almost the whole of his profile - the sharpening bones , the beggar 's beard : my mother 's absence visibly stranded on him . The bowl was set a few inches ahead of his knee now , and it was only after some seconds that I noticed the ink . I could just make out so many uneven lines of it marking up the skin on his leg , all of it gravitating towards the bedclothes . It looked vegetal . And messy . I didn 't get it . But very quickly the word in my head was iodine . Mama , she used to put it on our cuts and scrapes , poured it out from a small tincture bottle to make us better . My father , I realized , was hurt . Yet as if he didn 't notice , or didn 't care , his face - he looked , I think , almost peaceful . I felt wicked sitting in my secret observatory , watching him this way ; I was no better to him than a stChapter Five " I know why your mother left you . " It was Jimmy Ide . He was the school bully , and he was standing right in front of me , outside the girl 's bathroom , his face like cooled wax - all surface smooth , and impossible to read . " It 's because you 're such a shrimp . " I didn 't move . Nobody liked Jimmy , but he was bigger than any of us , and he appeared to have been born mad . This gave him a degree of privilege he didn 't deserve ; another inkling of the unfairness that streams through life like a poison , the kind that makes you think nobody worthwhile is paying attention . Jimmy was a year older , and he wasn 't in my class , but I had heard he threw tantrums , that he 'd once smashed a school chair into dangerous bits , and that there was no obvious reason to account for it . Usually he left me alone , but he 'd got wind of my family 's situation , and it had drawn him like a predator smelling blood . " My father told me that your mother 's a witch . A bad witch . " I was regretting going inside to use the bathroom . " That 's not true . " I spoke evenly . I wasn 't going to let him upset me . Or at the very least , I wasn 't going to let him see it . " Maybe your mother turned herself into a toad . That 's why you can 't find her . " Jimmy thought this was hilarious . He started laughing so hard his face went bright red , even his ears . Bits of snot flew out of his nostrils . I wanted to hit him . " What would you choose ? " I said it quickly . " I mean , if you could turn yourself into an animal ? " I had to stop his obscene crack - up . He wiped his sleeve across his face and shrugged . " I don 't know . " " How about a hyena ? " " What 's that ? " I resisted the urge to smile . " It 's like a lion . Only bigger . " My grandmother , she didn 't know it , but she 'd been teaching me . " Yeah , ok . A hyena . And you can be a shrimp . " He smirked . " I 'd be a crow . " So I could fly away from you , I was thinking . Luckily , recess was ending ; I could hear the first throng of voices moving down the hall , and in a minIt must have shown . My face must have given me away . Because when I saw Gammy in the kitchen , the first thing she said to me was , " Well , now , what is storming on you , Margaret Gilley ? You 're not sick are you ? " My grandmother sounded less dismissive than usual ; my illnesses were often an occasion to remind me that I must take after our father 's side of the family . But even now when I told her I wasn 't sick , she didn 't miss an opportunity : " The Ellises - we never get sick . I don 't remember a single day I missed school . None of this wilting at the bone just because the sun went behind a cloud for a minute . Oh , no , none of that . " Everything was hard and clear with Gammy ; there was no space for nuance , it would not be navigated . " I 'm not sick , " I told her again . I said nothing about what had happened at school . I didn 't plan on telling anyone , least of all my grandmother . I didn 't want any trouble from her ; and she could find it in the most unlikely of places . " Well , that 's a relief then . I won 't have you underfoot , " she said , wiping her hands over the sink . But before I had a chance to slip away , she asked me to give her a hand in the kitchen , and I was obliged to stay . Who knows why people do things , sometimes . There is mystery in it , like a school of whales beaching themselves at high tide , and maybe it 's only because the day 's events had not left me , because of a sudden as I was reaching to put a dish in one of the cupboards , I heard myself : " A boy at school said something mean about Mama . " Even I was surprised . " What did this boy say ? " There was metal in her voice , the sound of train wheels skidding forward . I turned to face her , but she was not one of the Gammys I had come to know . This would not be the generous story - teller who so easily moved from one lit - up place to another that you might think she inhabited the air ; nor this Gammy the knitter of our days , who gave their shape , and kept them coming . This was not even the grandmother who put the fear into me , whoAnd so he began . The story is about how my Uncle Bernard , when he was thirteen , attracted the attention of a boy of the same age named Mortimer Chambers . A boy , our father said , who though entertaining , could not be trusted as far as you could throw him . Apparently , Mortimer liked to swindle kids out of the best part of their school lunches using a deck of marked cards . Nobody knew the cards were marked , of course ; they were Mortimer 's cards . They 'd play Gin at recess - it was a fad in those days , the years of the second world war - betting ham and cheese sandwiches and slices of apple pie and the occasional high stakes chocolate bar , in place of real money . And Mortimer , well , he just seemed to have a knack . It wasn 't until some sharp - eyed soul spotted the different , yet subtle , configurations of angel wings on the back of Mortimer 's cards that the jig was finally up . Mortimer wasn 't known as a bully though - merely a cheat - but something about Uncle Bernard rubbed him the wrong way , and when the two were anywhere near each other it was understood that Mortimer was going to pick on Bernard . It had been almost a case of Tourrettes , with Mortimer seemingly incapable of restraining himself , following Bernard around like a dog from hell , frothing at the mouth ; making my uncle , on a regular basis , very unhappy . And while it 's true that until he shot up Bernard had been unusually small for his age - my father 's photos show him , at thirteen , almost the same size as their younger sister , giving she and Bernard the appearance of twins ; my father , towering over them almost comically as if he had come from a separate tribe altogether - what 's most noticeable is not my uncle 's size , but the quality of his appearance ; for he was beautiful . His limbs are long and they are pale , sharing the same leanness my father 's have , but without the line of visible muscle yet running beneath them . And my uncle 's features are even and finely turned ; a classical modeling to them that makes him appear strangely familia9 : 43 AM |
There was a sign out by where the highway used to run that said PROMOTE COEXISTENCE in big , black letters , only someone had sprayed END OCCUPATION over it in sloppy red paint . Back beyond it I could see the fence blocking off the freeway ramp ; the barbed wire at the top gleaming like teeth in the sun . Cars had been one of the first things to go . From nearby , old metal squeaked , rust on rust . I looked up and saw a young Mexican kid , eight or nine maybe , riding his bike in circles in the space where the street ended and formed a makeshift cul - de - sac up to the fence . Beyond the fence , only the unused road and the vast expanse of desert . " That 's the shot , " Amy said , pointing at the kid . Her hand was resting on my shoulder , thumb moving back and forth on my neck . " If you can get the sign up front with the kid in the background , and the fencing up over the freeway , that 's the one . " I lifted the camera up to my eye and peered through . The sign was hazy , a smattering of dulled out letters , and I felt my fingers move automatically to twist the focus and sharpen the scene around me . Grains became defined ; lines grew fat and thick . The sign , with all of its ugliness , came together . Behind it , the child kept riding , indifferent . There was something about adjusting the focus that always quieted my senses . A power in being able to change something so that I saw it the way I needed to . No matter what I was shooting , that sensation always had a way of relaxing my breath , calming my nerves . I waited for the kid to turn his bike so that he was facing me , almost looking at the camera , before I snapped the first shot . I kept shooting until he completed this section of his little circle and turned around , his face out of view . His bike went on squeaking as I took my eye away from the camera , away from my artificial focus , and stared at him as he truly was . Small , distant ; probably didn 't care about the fence or the wire on top of it . Or the sign and its graffitied message . He was only a little younger than Scotty would 've been by now . My mind dropped back into the present , the sticky - hot summer afternoon and the sweat on my neck and the camera in my hand . " Would you mind sending them over ? " I said . " I don 't think I 'm getting home until late tonight . " I worked weekdays at a copy and print supply shop downtown and usually handled the afternoon shift , but had managed to get out of it tonight . " I am . My brother wanted to meet up . We 're going to grab a drink and catch up . " I stopped . I didn 't hear the noise yet but I could tell that she did . It was like watching a silent shock run through her body . I watched her eyes tune up towards the sky right as the hum entered my ears . I got the chill next , always the same feeling no matter how many times I heard it . It wasn 't something you got used to . The droning , that low , beatless buzz , was so alien , so out of place , that it shook you every time . It wasn 't hard to spot . The sky was cloudless , perfect blue , and the little silver pill box cruised high above , wingless , leaving no trail as it passed . There was only the noise to signal its presence . And the knowledge of what it meant . " They haven 't been posting notices for a while now , " I said . " They just do it when they need to . Or whenever they feel like it , I guess . " " I 'm sure it 's nothing , " I said . " They do this routine stuff out by the freeways all the time . Make sure no one is using them or jumping the fences or anything . " " Yeah . That 's probably it , " she said . Up ahead the kid had halted his bike . Like us , he was watching the sky . We couldn 't see the patroller anymore . Maybe it had flown higher , maybe it had simply vanished . They seemed to do that from time to time . But the sound was still there . When it finally trailed off I heard the squeak of his wheels start up again . Amy , too , seemed to return to life . " Thanks . " I handed her the camera , watched her drape it over her neck like it was her peacekeeper . Don 't forget that this is a weapon too , she once told me . Years ago now , though it didn 't feel like it . " I 'll see you tomorrow then ? " I said , and she nodded . We kissed , more sweat than sweetness on our lips , and I got onto my bike and started pedaling off while she packed up . " Hey , " she called . I stopped and turned back to her . " Just , " she started , and then looked at the ground , the dust on her shoes . The noise stayed with me , humming between my temples as I biked back into town . The patroller was long gone but the sound remained , even if only in my imagination . I guess that was part of the idea . There hadn 't been a war . Hadn 't even been battles really , unless you counted what happened in Cairo , and even that ended with such speed and decisiveness that it hardly seemed to matter . If there had been other clashes , I couldn 't remember them ; I 'd only been a boy when it happened , watching it all on TV with my parents and Rob , Scotty not even conceived yet . No , it had been simpler , much simpler . An arrival , an assertion of strength , and a peaceful handing over of the reins . They were here to show us how to stop wasting our planet , to improve our existence as a species . Bases were set up across continents and countries ; regional sub - governments established . Cars and mass pollutants went first . Then guns and other weapons . Street drugs ; cigarettes . Open practice of organized religion . That one caused the most trouble , of course , and so the fences went up . And then the patrollers came , precise and pilotless , running their routes to keep everything in line . You resisted when you could - peaceful protests and demonstrations were still permitted - without drawing too much attention and ending up on the wrong side of a purge . Because there wasn 't any honor in martyrdom ; no noble cause to die for . Surviving was all you could hope for . Rob had a drink waiting for me when I got to the BrickWall , one of those narrow bars that dotted the east side of town . He was sitting at a booth in the back corner , already half finished with his beer , something thick and black that looked like motor oil . A few spots of froth clung to his beard . The beer he had waiting for me looked considerably lighter . He greeted me with a hug , bearlike as was his way , and we spent our first drink catching up . He was only three years older than me , twenty - six to my twenty - three , but had been out of the house for over a year , living with his girlfriend in an apartment downtown . He asked how everyone was doing and I told him . Dad was still Dad , trying to pretend nothing had happened . Mom was still on the couch most days , watching anything but the news . Amy was fine . Rob told me he and Kim were looking for a new apartment , something with a little more space . Still trying for a baby but no luck yet . " Not much . Got an exhibition coming up tomorrow , actually . " I dug into my back pocket to find a flyer . I smoothed it out on the table , trying to get rid of the folds and wrinkles , and handed it over . Rob studied it . " Images of a Peaceful Resistance , " he said , reading aloud . I watched his face , waiting for a smile or laugh , but he held himself in check . " It 's at that warehouse over on 15th tomorrow night . A couple of me and Amy 's photos are going to be there . You can stop by if you want . " " You should . I don 't think Mom and Dad are going to make it . They 're still not really - " Rob nodded , understanding . " Anyway , " I said , " I know it 'd mean a lot to Amy if you stopped by . Both of you . " There was a baseball game on TV and someone must 've done something right because the whole bar yelled out at once , cheering and slapping fives . There was still beer and baseball . At least they let us keep some distractions . A waitress brought our second round , and when Rob lifted his glass I noticed the marks on his knuckles . They seemed to glare at me as he tilted back and drank . A thin black letter on each finger . NWLA . " Is that new ? " I asked , motioning toward them . Rob looked at his hand as if to confirm that yes , it was in fact his , and then smiled . " Sort of . Got ' em about a month ago . " I 'd forgotten how long it 'd been since we 'd seen each other . I wanted to feel some surprise at those letters , some shock , but nothing came . Of course Rob would be with them . Of course he would flaunt it . The NWLA was a resistance group based out of Portland , but they had chapters all down the coast , even way down here in the desert . The letters stood for something different depending on who you asked . The meaning of the first three was unanimous . North - Western Liberation . It was the last letter where things got tricky . The state media , the stories they edited and controlled , called it an Alliance . That was a soft enough term for them . But I knew what it really meant , and so did Rob . Army . The North - Western Liberation Army . " So what ? You 're just in it then ? That fast ? " There had been rumors of NWLA pockets cropping up around us for a while , in Arizona mostly , but I hadn 't heard of any definite activity within the city until now . New Mexico wasn 't exactly a hotspot for revolution . I nodded but I didn 't answer . I was soaking up all that this implied , and I knew if I said anything else we 'd get into it , and I didn 't want that , at least not yet anyway . Neither of us was drunk enough and we 'd only seen each other a handful of times since Scotty , and that 'd been almost nine months ago . So I stayed quiet and took another drink . " We just need you to make copies , " he said , and there was a firmness in his voice that was alien to me . He wasn 't an I anymore . He was a We . I stayed silent . If it was something small I could at least hear him out . If I was going to reject him , and I was , I had to , I could at least hear him out first . " Look , " he continued , " everyone knows that we 're expanding . But it 's hard . They 're looking through every email and phone call or message for a hint that it might be us . You know that . It 's almost impossible for us to recruit and keep in contact with the other chapters . " " I 'm not . Look , it 'd all be encoded , nothing obvious , just a way for us to communicate freely . All we need is you to make copies . You can do that at work and no one will second guess it . We 've got some big stuff coming up , coming up soon actually , and we need to get as many people on board as we can if it 's gonna work . " " Here , " he said , and pulled a scrap of paper out of his pocket . He passed it across the table . " I 'm meeting up with some of them tomorrow night . I can introduce you . " I looked at the paper . There was a phone number and an address . I knew the area , a neighborhood over on the South Side of town . Below that was a name : Derek . " I 'm just asking you to think about it , " Rob said . " If you say no , I 'm sure we 'll figure out another way . But I know you can do it . And I want you in this with me . " I sighed . I tried not to , tried to hold it in , but I couldn 't . I saw his face change , saw him draw back into his older brother shell , ready to lecture me , to tell me how right he was and how wrong I was and how I hadn 't ever really done my part . I had nothing to say . He already knew . He tugged on his beard and eyed me , as if sizing me up , then took a deep drink and finished his beer . " I know you 're scared , " he said . " And I don 't want to fight with you cause you 're my brother and we shouldn 't fight . But you can 't keep pretending that taking pictures and having these little Passive Resistance galas is going to change things . It isn 't . " " You 're asking me to put myself in a position where I get my name marked down as an enemy . On a purge list even . You know what kind of danger that puts me in ? Puts Amy in ? " " No one would know , " Rob said . " You 'd be safe . And if , somehow , they did figure out what was going on , we could protect you . Amy too . " " They purge enemies , Rob . You can 't protect me from that . If they think I 'm dangerous , or that you are , they 'll get rid of us . That 's it . " " You can say whatever you want , " he said , " but at least I 'm fighting for him , " And then I almost lost it , could feel the rage swelling up in the sides of my head and I wanted to hit him , even if he was bigger than me , had always been bigger , even if hitting him wouldn 't change a thing . I wanted to hit him for not being there , for not seeing the house and the way there was hardly anything living in it anymore , for talking about Scotty without knowing the first thing about it because he hadn 't been there , hadn 't seen it . I wanted to hit him , and I almost did , but I stopped . This is a weapon too she said . I clenched my fist and waited for my breath to return . Rob watched me the whole way , and I could see a softness in his eyes that he 'd been trying to hide . Maybe he knew he 'd overstepped . The ride home was dark and cool and the stars were all blinking in their places . I wondered if there were any patrollers flying around up there that I couldn 't hear . Wondered if Rob 's name was already on a list somewhere . He was right . The NWLA had been successful before . In Seattle they 'd used pipe bombs and other homemade explosives to destroy a patrol center . Outside San Jose two NWLA members had broken into a black site prison and opened fire on the guards , releasing what inmates they deemed ' political prisoners . ' There had been these successes and smaller ones ; but of course , each one was followed by tougher pushback . More raids and purges . If there hadn 't been a war upon their arrival , the NWLA was certainly trying to make sure there was one now . I took the long way home to avoid passing the lot where the school used to be . I didn 't need to see that now . Not after Rob . They 'd built a new school across town , a bigger one , but the lot and its dead space was still there . They couldn 't take away the emptiness . That was still ours . The lights were off when I got home ; parents long asleep . I went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water , left the lights off while I drank . Something was glowing in the family room and I guessed my mother had left the TV on again . The table in the center of the room still had five chairs around it . My parents were adamant about not removing the fifth , even now , so it stayed there like some pathetic monument . Not that it mattered anyway ; we rarely ate together anymore . I spent my evenings with Amy , Dad did what he could , and Mom stayed on her couch , drowning out both past and present . Maybe there was a way to try harder , to face Scotty 's absence head - on and make it shrink . I knew Amy thought so , even if she was shy about saying it . But each time I tried to force the issue , to shake them and tell them that it was time to put the chair away , to acknowledge that he wasn 't coming home and we couldn 't keep pretending he was , they only pulled away further . Maybe things were better that way . Maybe ignoring it was better than feeling . Fuck Rob . He didn 't have to come back to this . He had left and stayed gone , and in his absence I 'd been the one who had to stay , the one who came home each night hoping that the TV would be off and our parents would be at the table laughing like they used to and that life would have somehow restarted . And now Rob was going to probably get himself killed or just go missing altogether . People disappeared ; no word or notice . I finished the water and headed upstairs to my room . Amy had emailed me some of the shots we 'd taken earlier . The picture of the boy on the bike was good . He was looking right at the camera and his eyes weren 't blank but there was something about them , something almost empty , that looked right with the sign and the fence behind them . Not blank , but uncaring . Muted . The same eyes that sat in front of our television every day and counted off the hours . I knew those eyes . It was a picture . That was all . And tomorrow it 'd be blown up onto a huge canvas for people to look at and say " Isn 't this an injustice ? " and lament it for the rest of the evening and nothing more . It was just a picture . Fuck Rob for making me think like this . He knew I would . Even if I hadn 't agreed to anything at the bar , even if I had hit him like I wanted to , he knew he 'd sowed enough doubt to keep me up . I closed the computer and let the darkness take its place . Rob 's voice was still in my head , the letters on his knuckles still visible against my closed eyelids . When they faded , I slept . My father was on the back porch , a book in his hand and an empty coffee cup on the table next to him . He didn 't look to be reading ; instead he was staring out at some undefined point in the desert that stretched out behind the house to the hills in the distance . The book was only for cover . Only lately had I realized he looked old . Not older , the way most people do , but old , as if a complete transformation had happened all at once . His hair was full gray and his eyebrows were somehow thick and thin at the same time , like little clouds over his eyes . There were wrinkles ingrained in the skin of his forehead and neck ; the hand holding his book looked as if it was made of old leather . Maybe it had happened after Scotty . Maybe it 'd happened before and I just hadn 't noticed . I thought about telling him about Rob , but decided not to . It wasn 't worth worrying him , or my mother . Instead I looked out and tried to see what he was looking at but found nothing but bright , blinding morning . It was enough to sit with him . Maybe that was enough . With Rob mostly gone and my parents in their black hole of grief , she had become my family . She was the one who listened , who cared . She was still something of a believer , didn 't mind the changes they enforced , only the enforcing . When the first reports of purges started spreading she got involved in the resistance , distributing photographs and her own newsletters , always careful not to overstep the line that divided acceptable dissent from what they labeled as dangerous . I 'd always supported her efforts , but after Scotty she 'd helped me get involved . Taught me how to fight without violence . So when I told her about Rob , I told her everything . " I told him no . What 'd you think I said ? " She only shook her head . " It 's just stupid , " I said . " Thinking he 's going to actually change anything that way . Especially after what we 've all been through , my parents and us , it 's just selfish and it 's stupid . " I looked up at her ceiling . The paint , not quite white but not different enough to call it anything else , was cracked here and there . I could hear the footsteps of the tenants above us creaking around , see the shadow of the security camera outside her window monitoring the street in front of her building . " I think what gets me is that Rob really believes in it . So if he does end up on a purge list , or gets himself killed , at least he 'll have believed he was doing the right thing . He can sleep easy knowing that . I 'm taking pictures . And yeah we 'll hang them up on display or show them around town and people will say it 's awful , but they won 't change the fences or the patrollers or those fucking prisons in the middle of the country . So maybe it doesn 't even matter what I think cause I 'm not really in it like he is . " She rolled onto my chest and looked at me . I could feel what she was going to say , felt it pulsing through her skin and into mine . " You are in it , " she said . " We both are . Don 't let Rob or anyone else tell you otherwise . " " Look at me , " she said . " You make a difference . And you 're smart enough to do it without a gun or a pipe bomb . " Her eyes refused to leave mine , and I thought of Scotty , the way he would look at you when you were playing a game with him and he saw that the score was out of hand , or worse , that you were letting him win . He 'd give you a look that felt like he was shooting tacks at you . Amy had that look now . She said nothing . I bit the inside of my lip , felt it soft and splitting between my teeth . She 'd heard part of the story before but never all of it . Nobody had heard all of it . And so I told her . I told her about the teachers , how no one knew exactly what they were planning , or if they were with the NWLA or acting independently , but it didn 't matter because they 'd done enough to get themselves on a purge list . Told her how the four of them met after class at the school where Scotty went , how he stayed late most days that spring for math tutoring and how Rob usually picked him up , only that day Rob was busy so I went to get him . I couldn 't even remember what was Rob was busy with anymore . I told her how I was almost there when I heard the buzz of the patroller and the snap of the missile , the roar and crack of the building coming apart . How I tried to dig through the rubble when I got there , my hands cut and bleeding by the time the police , our police , finally pulled me off , and even then I just sat and waited for them to pull him out , but they couldn 't find anything . There was no body , nothing left . It was like he 'd been wiped clean off the face of the earth . Obliterated . Vanquished . And then I told her what she didn 't know . How I managed to find a dealer downtown and set up a deal for a handgun , $ 600 for the whole deal , $ 300 before and $ 300 after . How I put down the first payment without even knowing what I 'd do with the thing , or how I would get to them . I only knew that if I did find a way to get to them , I could hurt them . The NWLA had already proved that . So maybe if I could just get one of them , one of them for all of us that they 'd taken , maybe it would be okay . But I got ripped off ; the dealer pocketed my money and never showed up . For a while I was angry , but then I figured maybe I was lucky . Because if I 'd gotten the gun I would 've fired it . I knew that . " Seeing them do that to the school , " I said , " it changed how I looked at it . At the whole situation . Maybe I changed back , but I can 't hold it against Rob that he never did . Maybe I shouldn 't have either . " " But you did do the right thing , " she said . " You didn 't get yourself killed or abandon your family . No matter what you wanted to do , you did the right thing . " " Maybe , " I said . " It 's just tough to believe when I go home and see how broken they are and know that I can 't fix them . I 've tried and I just can 't . " " But you don 't have to fix them , " she said . " You just have to be there with them . The fixing will come in time . Just show them that you 're there . Make them sit and eat a meal or watch TV or anything . You don 't have to talk about it if they 're not ready , but you need to be there with them so that when they are ready you can help . " She sat up , pulled a sheet around her chest . She tugged on my arm and pulled me up , too . I leaned my head against her shoulder , tasted her skin . There was still beauty here . They couldn 't take that away and neither could Rob . I went home to my parents and we ate . Dad came away from his books and my mother muted the television , which was at least a start , and we all sat down and looked each other in the eyes and talked and even laughed . And after some time we looked at Scotty 's chair , empty at the end of the table , and remembered him , remembered how he used to douse his food in ketchup , no matter what he was eating . How he 'd sometimes sit so far on the edge of his seat that he 'd slip off and hit the floor and even though he might cry with embarrassment we 'd never be able to stop laughing . How bright his cheeks used to get when his voice started cracking . Fuck Rob for leaving this . There was still time for us to get things back together . When dinner was over I helped my mother load the dishwasher , then showered and got ready ; threw a dress shirt on over yesterday 's clothes . I was already running late by the time I left ; the show would 've started by now . Amy was right . The hole wasn 't going to be filled by anger or hate . It couldn 't be . It was only going to be filled by the rest of us , the survivors . The air was cool outside and the sky was turning that gorgeous shade of blue that it does when the sun finally gives in and cedes control to the moon . I biked , helmetless , and let that cool wash over me . My phone buzzed in my pocket . I checked it at the next stop sign . A message from Rob . I opened it and saw a set of eyes looking back at me . But they weren 't Rob 's eyes ; these were different , darker . Then I took in the rest of the face , the small features , tanned skin , and I realized it was the boy I 'd photographed yesterday . It was my picture ; Rob had re - sent it to me from the show . The message at the bottom read : " This was a good one . See you soon . Stuff to talk about - R . " I didn 't hear the drone of the patroller until it was already over . Maybe it was too far ahead of me or maybe it was flying silently . Maybe I was just lost in the sound of my wheels and the wind . But I heard the crack it made when it fired , and I felt the push of the heat and the roar of the flames , saw the column of smoke drift up from across the block . I heard people scream , saw other cyclists pull up and stop , people on the street running for cover or taking out their phones to take pictures . I don 't remember falling but I must have because I hit the ground , elbow cut and bleeding , and just watched , saw the world come apart sideways . The fire loomed large up ahead and flashing lights began to pass me and head towards the place where the exhibition hall had been standing only a moment ago . There weren 't thoughts ; weren 't sounds . Everything in the scene drifted into a silent spectacle except for one noise , the slow , steady buzz of the ship as it flew back to wherever it came from . I didn 't dig through the rubble this time . I didn 't look for Rob or Amy , couldn 't stand the thought of what they might look like if I found them . Or what it would feel like if I couldn 't . I didn 't wait on the sidewalk while the police cleared the scene ; didn 't stay through the night while they identified the bodies . I didn 't call my parents because I couldn 't be the one to tell them . I didn 't wait to hear the news , to hear the story of how an NWLA member was targeted and purged at a resistance rally downtown . I didn 't do any of that because I was already riding . I was heading out towards the South Side , to the house where Rob would now never meet his fellow rebels . But maybe I still could . I had the number and address in my pocket and I was riding fast , away from the heat and smoke of the explosion . Away from the smell of death . If I rode fast enough , and if they were still there , maybe I could meet them . Maybe there was still time . Maybe there was . David Braga was raised in Northern Virginia . He attended Boston University to earn his undergraduate degree in Film Studies , and is currently pursuing his Masters as Emerson College . He lives in Boston . Follow @ PantheonMag Pantheon Magazine would like to … be a home for great fiction , art and poetry . Each quarter , we plan to give you great content that 's free to access , no need to register . We pay for fiction because we are writers ourselves , and know the hard work that goes into creating a good piece of fiction . We want to mess with your head , one piece of amazing prose at a time . Blog at WordPress . com . |
Today is the last day of May , which means the challenge of posting every day for 30 days officially ended yesterday . It was not as easy as I thought it would be to come up with something to say every day which is kind of surprising given how much I like to talk ( thanks , Mom ) . It also has not been an easy month in general and I am hoping that June is much better . I know it is up to me to make that happen , and that I need to focus more on the good I have in my life instead of the things that are bringing me down . I have a new personal challenge for June which is to volunteer once a week . I will be volunteering next Saturday for an organization called Project Ethiopia , which cleans up donated athletic shoes and sends them to Ethiopia . On June 20th , I will be doing a book sort project at my favorite non - profit , Schoolhouse Supplies . I usually volunteer for them at least twice a month but now that the school year is winding down , their need for volunteers is tapering off for the summer . So , I already have two weeks covered , and I know that I will easily be able to find other opportunities through Hands on Portland . I am a volunteer leader for them and I have already been asked by the volunteer coordinator if I would be willing to lead projects over the summer for organizations other than Schoolhouse Supplies . Of course , I said yes . So , this isn 't really going to be much of a challenge but it is something that I feel is important and will benefit me as well as the organizations I give my time to . Earlier today I had a Braves game on in the background while I was cleaning the house . During one of the half inning commercial breaks , a clip was shown in which several fans had been asked how long they have been Braves ' fans . I have been a fan since 1988 . People are often surprised to learn that I am a Braves fan given that I am from the Northwest and have never even been to Atlanta ( well , I did have a layover at the airport on 4 / 1 of this year , but that doesn 't count . What is up with the Atlanta airport not having any Braves paraphernilia ? ! That 's just wrong ) . I started following baseball in 1985 in order to impress a boy . In my defense , I was 11 . He was a huge baseball fan and collected baseball cards . So , I started to collect them too . In 1985 , my favorite team was the Reds because I had the most Reds cards and therefore that was the team with which I was the most familiar . In 1986 , I became a Mets fan for the same reason . I started 1987 as an A 's fan . That was a good time to be an A 's fan . They had such a good team with Mark McGwire , Jose Canseco , Carney Lansford , Walt Weiss ( later went on to be a Brave - love him ! ) , Dennis Eckersly , etc . And then we got cable and I discovered TBS and the Atlanta Braves . I was still an A 's fan , of course , but the Braves were always on so I started to watch them . This was not a good time to be a Braves fan . They really sucked . And of course , I wasn 't a Braves fan . I was a baseball fan and they were what was available to watch . I know that time has probably changed the exact details of how that all changed , but this is how I remember that summer 1988 day now , 21 years later . I was still an A 's fan . However , I was watching a Braves ' game when my dad came home from work . I asked him who he was taking in the game . He said to bring him up to speed . I told him it was the bottom of the 8th , Houston was up 7 - 1 ( this is where I am a little fuzzy ) and they were in Atlanta . He said he was taking Houston . I very clearly remember saying to him " I bet you $ 1 Atlanta wins . " Dad laughed and saidPosted by Yesterday , I came home at lunch to let the dogs out . Since it was a nice day , I went outside with them and wandered around the yard while they did their thing . I glanced over and saw Sammy sniffing the strawberries . Before I could say anything , he took a bite out of one and then started to lick another . I told him to " leave it , " which was really more for his amusement than anything . But , he did leave that one alone and started licking another instead . So , I went over there , told him " no , " and shooed him away . He went over and investigated the lemon cucumber plant but found that boring and went back inside . This morning when I let them out , I went over and inspected the strawberry plant to see if any of them were ripe yet , other than the one Sammy sampled , of course . I found that 1 / 2 of every strawberry that was almost ready to be picked ( all 4 of them ) had been eaten . Looks like someone had a late night snack last night when Mom wasn 't looking . On the plus side , at least it was a healthy snack . And , it 's been a week and I haven 't killed the plant yet , so there 's still a chance I will get a strawberry or two too . Last June , I was at a bereavement group meeting sponsored by Hospice . This is a general group , meaning not loss specific . When we did our introductions , all the others who had lost a spouse that said how long they had been married had all been married longer than I have been alive . I realized I was not getting the support I needed from this group . I post on an excellent online message board specifically for young widows and widowers that is very accepting of those of us who lost a fiance ( e ) or long - term partner . So , I knew there were others like me out there but I felt I needed to see them with my own eyes instead of only being able to communicate with them online . On July 4th , I started a group through meetup . com for widow / ers under 50 in this area . One of the things I have struggled with is where I fit in since we weren 't yet married . We were together for 7 years before he proposed and 8 years total but this is not a common law state . So , while I felt and lived like a wife , technically I am not a widow . I do have to say though after the 1 year mark passed , I became more accepting of using the term widow to describe myself . I usually describe myself as " essentially widowed . " Anyway , I felt that if I started the group , no one could object to the legitimacy of my widow status . Plus , I wanted the group to include others who were in long - term monogamous relationships and those in domestic partnerships whose relationships are not recognized by the State . Our group meets monthly for dinner . Our May dinner was tonight at a family - owned Italian restaurant . I really needed this . There were 6 of us ranging in loss time from 7 months to 7 years . The two at 7 years are married to each other and have been for 4 years now . They are such an inspiration to me . Their first spouses are still very much a part of their lives yet they were able to rebuild and find happiness again . I am so glad that even though they are no longer actively grieving they are regulars at our dinners . They fill me with hope . But more than that , the thing IPosted by I had an entire whiny post typed out but deleted it . I felt silly whining about my bad day when there are people with problems a lot worse than a deadline being changed to a time that I did not feel I could not possibly meet , being told I may have a bigger problem with my jaw than the orthodontist originally thought ( my head immediately went to needing surgery ) , and the sprinkler system not working . Yes , these things suck . But they can be easily overcome : the project was not as extensive as it was made out to be and I was able to do enough of it to satisfy my boss before I went to the orthodontist . My teeth have another 6 weeks to move before we have to look at other options and my orthodontist is trying a more aggressive approach . If I can 't figure out what is wrong with the stupid sprinklers , I will just water the lawn the old - fashioned way . Even though today has me wanting to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep , it is not that bad . I know things are magnified because I haven 't slept since Sunday and I am exhausted . I have a roof over my head and a job that pays for it . I have two dogs that love me no matter what . I have a great circle of family and friends . My teeth are preventing me from eating right now , but I have food in the fridge ( sort of - I need to go to shopping so I mostly just have cheese , pickles and grapes ) . I have places to go , people to see , things to do . I don 't have it bad at all . I am still young enough that I have time to rebuild and still have a great life . I just wish I knew how to make this be enough to fill the massive void of loneliness that on days like today is so incredibly overwhelming . As I mentioned before , I have decided that I need to work on making the house " mine " instead of " ours " while I debate whether or not to sell it or hang on to it for a while longer . I made the decision to start with the guest bathroom as it is the room with the least emotional attachment and the most hideous paint job . I set a goal to paint it over Memorial Day weekend . ( Actually , my original goal was to do it over New Year 's weekend ) . When I decided on my revised goal of Memorial Day weekend , I didn 't realize it was only two weeks away . I thought about putting it off until 4th of July weekend , but my friend said she would come over and help me now since this was a rare weekend that they didn 't have soccer games . So , after almost 5 months of having paint chips taped to the wall , I finally selected a color that I hoped would look good with the set I picked out and the counter . Things that go together are not my strong suit . They weren 't James ' either . We used to joke that we needed Garanimals for grown - ups . Actually , that really wasn 't a joke . But , I digress . I chose Olympic 's " Summer Rain . " I 'm not sure why they think summer rain is a pale green , but whatever . I had a moment of " I can 't do this " while taping off everything . I was almost finished and the song " Photograph " by Nickelback came on the radio . This was one of James ' favorite songs . I hear it all the time , being a Nickelback fan myself , but as I stood there on the step - stool , tape in hand , the lyrics " it 's hard to say it , it 's time to say it , good - bye " were very overwhelming and I came thisclose to just leaving it as it was . I am not a fan of change , but deep down I knew I had to do this to continue to move forward . And now that it is done , I am thrilled with the results . And now I am more determined than ever to paint the bedroom . I stocked up on paint chips the other day ; now I just need another long weekend . I took photos along the way . Here 's a sampling of them . You can 't really tell from the pictures how truly awful the yellow was . The Starting PointSo mPosted by My attempts at gardening go like this : I get all revved up to have a garden , buy the plants , plant them , and then they die . We used to jokingly call the little plastic tabs that identify the plant and how to care for it gravestones since I put those in the ground as well . You would think I would give up , but every year I am bound and determined to make it work . Where most people have patience , I have an extra dose of stubbornness . My garden is only 3 days old and I already have my first casualty . Actually , garden is a very loose term given that I only planted 4 tomato plants and the blueberry plant I bought last year that actually survived Charlie " watering " it for me . The lemon cucumber and strawberry plants are in the huge planters that had very nice plants in them when we bought the house . They lasted about a month under my care . According to the little gravestone , it appears the beefsteak tomato plant is not going to survive . I couldn 't decide which kind of tomato plants I wanted , and since they were 4 for $ 5 , I bought 4 different types . Isn 't variety the spice of life ? In this case , I needed the gravestones to tell them apart since they all look the same to me . I am a little disappointed that one of them is already on its last legs , but it actually isn 't my fault . Sammy stepped on it right after I put it in the ground . I tried to just add more dirt to prop it up but it doesn 't look like that did the trick . But at least for once I didn 't kill it , which is morbidly comforting . On the bright side , I stopped at the grocery store on my way to an impromptu BBQ yesterday and they had pansies . So I got my pansies . No pomeranians this time - although there were a couple of very cute men from Fire and Rescue at the store that I definitely would have allowed to follow me home . I had a simple plan for today : * Go to chiropractor * Go to Wal - Mart * Go to Fred Meyer to get pansies and tomato plants * Weed " the plot " * Plant tomatoes and pansies * Prepare bathroom for paintingMy day started off the way it was supposed to . I went the chiropractor . I went to Wal - Mart , which isn 't nearly as bad at 9 : 00 on a Saturday morning as it is pretty much any other time . Then I went to Fred Meyer ( aka Peytons , Krogers and Fry 's ) . I got my tomatoes , a strawberry plant and two lemon cucumber plants . After coming to the conclusion that no matter how many times I circled the garden center , they were not going to have pansies I decided to walk through the store to get Starbucks . Stopped in the electronics department . They did not have the 16G iPod Nano in purple , so I straightened the display of items made by the company I work for and mosied to the jewerly department . The earrings I want are no longer on sale , so I will have to wait . Got my coffee , went across the street to Lowe 's . No pansies there either , so I must be too late for this season . So at this point , my day had been very uneventful and on track . And then driving home , traffic was stopped for a pomeranian that was dashing in and out of traffic . She finally went down a side street and being the puppy mom that I am , I followed . I could not let this precious little animal get hit by a car . It took some doing , but she finally let me catch her . I drove around a bit asking the few people I saw if they recognized her . No one did . So , I took her to my vet 's office to be scanned . No microchip . So with visions of finally getting my little girl dancing through my head , I took her home . ( I did report finding her to the Humane Society ) . My boys were not sure what to think of this . They were tolerant , but clearly not happy with the turn of events , especially Charlie . She kept trying to play with him and he would have none of it . It is understandable since he was recently attacked by a boxer , which I had forgotten about when I decided to bring her home . I am sure he was parPosted by I am happy to announce my day has been rodent - free . My boss said he got another one overnight , however . It really irks me that he sets traps and the mice walk right into them but when I set traps , they just take a new path . Oh well . Alpha Ecological re - baited my traps so in theory , I should live blissfully mouse free for awhile . Yesterday had the excitement of the mouse and the " we are only here because we have to be " feel of the last day of school . Today , on the other hand , was very quiet as we all tried to pack in everything that needed to be done today and Monday . We were also hoping the owner would close up shop early so we were trying to be really productive this morning in an attempt to make that happen . Sadly , we were not successful . I had a project that I was originally supposed to do next week . I was asked yesterday if I could get it done today instead . It is my least favorite monthly task , so I was looking forward to working on anything else today . I got it done , and it is kind of nice to not have that waiting for me on Tuesday . I ran into a problem , however . I could not get my two summaries to match and they should . Because I was bound and determined to get it to my boss , I ended up not taking a lunch break . I wasn 't really hungry anyway , which was odd . Finally , I found my error and finished the project . And then I asked if I could leave since I didn 't go to lunch and there was only an hour left of my day . So , technically , I clocked out for lunch at 3 : 00 , and will be on my lunch break until 7 : 00 Tuesday morning . Wouldn 't it be nice if lunch breaks really worked that way ? I never thought rodents would become a recurring theme , but that seems to be the case this week . And it really is a sign that I need to get a life if this is the best I can come up with . At least today 's rodent wasn 't at my house . On May 5th , my co - worker announced that we had a mouse running around the office . I remember it was the 5th because I had a complete meltdown that day and in between sobs told my boss if the mouse appeared in my office I was going home . I have been battling them for longer than I care to admit and quite frankly , I have had my fill . So , after LH told us about the mouse , my boss went and got some traps . A couple of days later , he told us he caught two mice . And that was that . Until Monday . LT took last Friday off and when she came back Monday noticed a piece of garbage on the floor of her office . She discovered that it was one of those Kahlua filled chocolates , which wasn 't hers . A mouse had chewed through the wrapper , put a hole in the chocolate and sucked out all the Kahlua . Of course , we all think it is hysterical that we have an alcoholic mouse running around . I do want to know where the mouse found chocolate though . No one ever seems to have any when I am on the hunt . This morning , LT tells us she found the mouse . It was in her office in a shopping bag . Thinking she meant a plastic bag , I asked her if she tied it up . She said no . I said " it is going to escape . " She says she isn 't going to tie it up and that I should do it . I said " fine . I 'll tie it up . It 's not like I haven 't had enough of these little suckers . " So , she , LH and I go to her office and she tosses one of those reusable bags on her desk and tells me to have at it . So , I take a step forward , a little head pops out of the bag , apparently jumped off the desk and darted down the hall . Man , can those things move ! ( In hindsight , he probably didn 't appreciate being tossed around like that ) . I only saw the head pop up and the mouse dart by . We do the girl thing and scream . Meanwhile , one of the guys in the warehouse is trying to taPosted by My original intention for this blog was to get my memories out so when my mind starts to go ( which should be any day now ) , I would have a place to go back and relive my life with James . I was also hoping that as time goes on , this will be a place for me to see that I am moving forward with grieving and with my life . I am not sure what made me think of this yesterday or why it made me laugh because it is actually kind of morbid . But , the good news is I am getting to a point where the memories of James are not so painful . We moved into our first house in July 2001 . It was a very popular floor plan for this area ; we had already seen a couple others just like it when we saw it for the first time . We rushed through the house . We had already discussed the pros and cons of that layout so there was no need to take our time looking at it . And then we saw the backyard . The park - like setting , complete with a pond , is what sold us . Of course , we would come to hate having a pond in a yard with 8 evergreen trees , but we were naive first time home buyers . Mostly James hated it since cleaning the pond was a boy chore . By the time we moved in , the house had been empty for a couple of weeks . We took another week to unpack the basics . Meanwhile , the yard suffered . So , we set about to fix it before it got any worse . I came home from work one day and James had the sprinkler going in the back yard . I asked how long it had been on and if he wanted me to go move it . It needed to be moved so I went out to do that and noticed a plant I didn 't remember . I thought maybe I just hadn 't noticed it before , but I was pretty certain it hadn 't been there before . So , I turned off the water , went and looked at it and then went back in the house and asked James if he was aware he was watering a dead squirrel . This brought up our first dilemma as homeowners : are squirrels garbage or yard debris ? An argument could be made for both and we really had no idea what to do with it . So , James scooped it up into a garbage bag , and when it got dark , we drove over aPosted by For Sale : two adorable , loving 6 1 / 2 year old cocker spaniels . Charlie is black and white with a puppy face and energy to spare given that he thinks he 's a Jack Russell . Sammy is white and brown with tan spots , laid back and full of kisses . If you respond now , I will also throw in a mouse , no extra charge . Okay , my little darlings are not really for sale , but boy are they in serious trouble . Lately , I have been coming home to find chewed up scraps of mail on the floor . They have realized they can pull things I leave too close to the edge of the table or island off the table or island . I do realize some of the blame lies with me for leaving the mail in a tempting location . Last night , I watched as Sammy realized he can also reach the top of the dresser . He didn 't seem to find anything of interest though . Today I came home to a huge mess all over the kitchen . My guess is one of them smelled something appealing in the garbage and tried to get it out . In the process , the garbage can was knocked over . And by the time the fun was over , the garbage was all over the kitchen . My first thought was , well , let 's just say it would have made a trucker sound like a saint . My second thought was " please don 't let there have been anything harmful in there . " I try to be very careful about what I put in the trash just in case something like this should ever happen . These little guys are my babies . They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning , mainly because Charlie will stand on my chest and lick my eyes until I wake up . So I yelled " bad dogs " several times and put them outside . As I was cleaning up the mess , I saw movement and looked over in time to see the back end of a mouse scurrying under the stove . Sighing deeply , I looked at the clock . Seeing that it was only about 4 : 45 , I set down the Swiffer and called Alpha Ecological . I explained to the receptionist that I had them come out a couple of months ago because I was having a mouse problem and there is a mouse running around my kitchen . She pulled up my account and said that Posted by ( Disclaimer : I got very little sleep last night so this might not be coherent ) . One of my great - grandfathers was named John ( Giovanni ) Fromia . So was his brother . Original , I know . Their father was also John Fromia . The brothers had different middle names ; my great - grandfather was Giovanni Maria Fromia . Originally from Italy , the brothers John immigrated to New York in the early 1900 's . Recently , I discovered the index for Naturalizations that took place in New York . Two John Fromias were listed . Of course , the middle initials were not listed . That would be too easy . So , I requested them both . Friday , I was about to delete my spam when I saw the subject of one of the e - mails was " Fromia Naturalization . " It turns out the two records I requested were both for my great - grandfather ( yea ! ) - one was the Declaration of Intent ; the other was the Naturalization form . The e - mail stated that the archivist was snail mailing a hard copy as well . The papers arrived today . Sure enough , it was the same paperwork she had e - mailed me for John Fromia . Here is where it gets weird and kind of creepy , but also intriguing . The cover letter stated she was enclosing the paperwork I requested for John Fromia , and my other great - grandfather , Lionel W K G * * * . The weird thing about this is I did not request Lionel 's paperwork . I already have it . She only enclosed John 's paperwork . Thinking I was ordering records for the two John Fromias , I sent two self - addressed stamped envelopes . One came back today ( obviously ) . I am really curious to see if the other one comes back tomorrow - and what 's in it . Last Friday , my co - worker asked if anyone was interested in going to see Taylor Swift . Her friend had tickets and could not use them . One of my best friends introduced me to Taylor 's music a few months ago so I told my co - worker I might be interested in the tickets , but I wasn 't sure since my friend 's foster son had a wrestling tournament the day of the concert . My friend said she would be able to and was interested in going so we bought the tickets . Last night we met at our usual spot at the light - rail transit center and set off for the first concert she and I have been to together in years . I can 't even remember what the last one was , but I know it was either John Michael Montgomery or Coolio . Yes , Coolio . I would say the average age of the majority of the concert goers was somewhere between 12 - 15 and the venue held about 13 , 000 . That is a lot of young girls . That many young girls can scream very loudly . And they can do so for a very long time . I felt old , which is kind of ironic because last January my cousin and I were at a Garth Brooks concert screaming our heads off like teenagers . The concert was very good . She was very entertaining and prior to coming on stage had a public service announcement about staying true to who you are . I think the reason I like her music is because starting over at the age of 35 has me feeling very much like the insecure girls who still want to believe in fairy tales she sings about . I never thought at this age , I would be in a position to be taken back in time to a period of my life I didn 't enjoy the first time and really have no desire to repeat . But , as they say ( which I am really tired of hearing by the way ) , it is what it is . Throughout the concert , I found myself watching the two girls sitting in front of us . I would say they were about 12 and obviously best friends . My friend and I have known each other for almost 13 years , so possibly longer than these two have been alive . I kept thinking about all the things they still had in front of them : first crushes , first loves , sePosted by I woke up to a beautiful morning , which is definitely not guaranteed in the Northwest in May . I also felt a little calmer and a little more at peace than I have in about a month and a half . But I found myself dragging my feet as I got ready to head over to the waterfront for the Heart Walk , thinking that no one would know if I didn 't really go through with it . But I would know , and my wonderful donors committed hard - earned money for me to do this walk , not just lie and say I did . Somehow , even with my late start , I was able to snag one of the last remaining parking spots in the small lot at the Landing ( yea ! ) . The set up was pretty much the same as last year , except they moved the start / finish line to the other side of the parking lot . I could feel the tears forming as I sat in my car taking in the scene . Finally , I took a deep breath and got out of the car . I roamed around the crowd without any real direction . There were so many people there talking with family and friends and co - workers . And then there was me - wandering the crowd alone like a little lost puppy dog . And then I saw a familiar face - an old friend that James and I used to work with . He gave me a hug and asked how I was doing . And that 's when the tears started . I told him that overall , I was doing okay ; today , not so much . We chatted for a bit , and he introduced me to his wife . She works for the hospital that was sponsoring the event which is why they were walking . I saw him there last year too , but it was in passing and by the time my brain registered it , he was lost in the crowd . After we finished chatting , I walked over to the railing overlooking the river and just let the tears come while watching six ducks lazily swim around . The emcee started her announcements , the biggest one being that this year 's walk raised about $ 460 , 000 to fight heart disease . After the announcements and a brief stretching session , we were off . I took my time . It was so nice out and I was not in any hurry . The walk was one of those where you go down the path and then turn arPosted by I don 't really have a whole lot to say today . After staying up past 11 : 00 Wednesday night for bunco ( I was the big winner - yea me ! ) , and then again last night to watch Grey 's Anatomy ( all I am going to say on that is WOW ) , I am pretty tired . And this has been a pretty long week . I am pretty sure someone slipped in an extra day or two when I wasn 't looking . I am still feeling more down in the dumps than I would like to and I am hoping that is in part because of the American Heart Association walk tomorrow . I am hoping this lingering lull is in anticipation of walking for James with the knowledge that I wouldn 't be doing this if he was still here . If he was still here , I would be volunteering for my favorite non - profit tomorrow instead . I keep thinking back to last year when I did this same walk three months after he died and how my friend got sick and I had to do it alone . And this year , my friend had a prior commitment so again , I am doing it alone and I wish someone was going to be there to ( figuratively ) hold my hand . This current downward spiral seemed to really bottom out when I signed up for the walk , which was two days after donating the majority of his clothes . On a positive note , I have raised $ 380 for the AHA . With the economy as bad as it is , I hated to ask for donations but heart disease kills far too many people . And once again , I have been reminded of how truly blessed I am by the wonderful people I am honored to call my family and friends . There 's a video clip circulating around the Internet of Joe Cocker singing ( if you want to call that singing ) " I Get By with a Little Help From My Friends " at Woodstock in 1969 . I realize that is probably not the exact title of the song , but right now I am too lazy to Google it . Someone has captioned it with alternative words that he could be singing . This got me thinking about songs in which I have always sung the wrong words , which is known as lyricosis . About two years ago , I learned that Carly Simon was actually singing " some underworld spy , or the wife of a close friend , " not " someone who would spy on the wife of a close friend . " And even though I know the line in " Chatahoochie " goes " in the pale moonlight , " I always sing " in the pale blue light . " I 'm not sure why . I think in my head , the pyramid of cans must give off a blue reflection . Turns out Elton John 's Bennie has electric boots , not electric boobs . And , who out there has not thought it was the " secret Asian man " at one time or another ? Today I realized that for years I have been singing Garth Brooks " Papa Loved Mama " wrong . It dawned on me that " Papa came home and it was just us kids . " I always thought it was " just askids . " I 'm listening to it now and it sounds like " askids . " I don 't even know if that is a real word and I never thought that made sense . Now I know why . Last week while in the depths of despair , I decided that I needed to start planning Wednesday night activities so I would have something to look forward to during the week . It isn 't going to be anything extravagant , just something that gets me out of the house for a couple of hours . Tonight 's activity is bunco . This is my original group that I have been playing with for years , and is in no way associated with the mean group that kicked me out . Bunco is always on a Wednesday with this group , which is part of the reason I chose Wednesday for my mid - week activity . One is already planned for me . I am looking forward to going and hanging out with my girls . Last night , one of my friends who lives near where we are playing called to see if I wanted to come and hang out beforehand and catch up because she couldn 't make it last month . She has an adorable son who is almost 2 and who is already such a flirt . Being around him always puts me in a good mood . Hopefully , tonight is one of the nights he likes me . He kind of lost interest after he discovered he couldn 't pull my braces off . So , I am off for some girl talk , Grey 's Anatomy analysis ( my theory is the finale is going to end with Izzy flatlining while undergoing the " risky procedure " ) , and if I am lucky , a bunco prize - preferrably in the form of a Starbucks gift card for the venti beverage I will be in desparate need of tomorrow ! While I debate selling the house vs . keeping it , I have decided it is time to start making it " mine " instead of " ours . " I feel that I am at a point where this is necessary to keep moving forward . Plus , even if I do decide to sell , I could still be here for a while . I decided to start with the guest bathroom . It is a hideous mustard color with a green counter . I have been wanting to paint it since we moved in , but never got around to it . After we pretty much painted the entire interior of our 1800 sq . foot house in Arizona , James decided that he was never picking up a paintbrush again , so I knew if I wanted it done , I was on my own . I decided the bathroom would be a great place to start because , as I said , it is hideous and it is the room with the least emotional attachment . In November , my aunt came to town on business and helped me pick out a set for the bathroom . It is the Rainier collection from Bed , Bath and Beyond ( I will cry if they ever go out of business ) . Slowly , I started to accumulate all the pieces of the collection and with the help of a generous gift card from my mom , now have it all . I also have a bazillion paint samples on the wall and now that I have the whole bathroom set can decide on a color . My goal is to get this done Memorial Day weekend . It 's not a firm goal should I get a better offer for that weekend . In the meantime , I have been contemplating painting the bedroom purple ( lavender ) and getting new couches . I had a vision of pale purple walls and a new purple and white floral bedspread . Then I remembered that I have two dogs and I hate floral prints . I can 't seem to get past wanting to paint the room purple though , despite what a colossal pain in the ass it would be . So , I have been thinking I should paint another room . Like , say , the living room . A couple of weeks ago , my cousin was visiting and we were at the mall . We stopped into a furniture store and tried out all the couches . I found a couch and oversized arm chair I really liked . The model name is Godiva Chocolate , so now I have a visiPosted by Why is it some people feel they are exempt from getting out of the way of emergency vehicles ? Drivers in this area are really bad about this . This is something that has always bothered me . Several years ago , James and I were out and about and had to pull over for an ambulance . I was disgusted that most people just kept on as usual . I remember saying to him " I wonder how they would feel if they found out it was one of their loved ones and they didn 't get out of the way ? " When the ER doctor came to talk to me the night James died , I was told he had been down for 45 minutes . My dear friend was there with me and I remember telling her " that 's too long . " In hindsight , I realize that what he was probably saying was that from the time the call came in , it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to get there , get James out of the car and to the hospital . What I heard , however , was it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to travel just under 5 miles from the site of the accident to the hospital . ( James had a heart attack while driving home from work . He drifted over two lanes of traffic and hit two other cars in the process . Luckily , no one else was injured . What I didn 't know at the time is there is a 99 . 9 % chance he died instantly ) . And , the ER doctor did say the ambulance was there within a couple of minutes . Regardless of what really happened , to think that it took 45 minutes for the ambulance to travel such a short distance makes me sick to my stomach even now . Before James died , it just ticked me off when people didn 't pull over for an emergency vehicle . Now , when it happens , I still get mad , but I also hope to God these idiots never have to live with the sick feeling that comes from knowing it took way too long for their loved one to get medical attention . I don 't think it is a feeling that will ever go away . In my post on my accomplishments of the last 15 months , I listed that I joined a women 's photography group to honor James by taking on something that was of interest to him . I inherited a great digital camera from him and I intend to learn how to use it . My goal is to some day be able to enter a prize winning photo into the county fair . It may not sound like much , but I am a small town girl at heart and the fair is a big deal in small towns . In March , I went to my first meeting and quickly discovered I was in over my head when the other women started talking about things like " aperture " and " shutter speed . " I have no idea what aperture means and I didn 't realize that you can change the shutter speed or that you would even want to do that . I can turn on the camera and take pictures that sometimes turn out . ( I could read the little book that came with the camera , but where 's the fun in that ? ) Not to be deterred , I signed up for yesterday 's photo walk at Hoyt Arboretum . It was a beautiful day and it was nice to be outside in the fresh air . The Arboretum was very peaceful , but unfortunately , most of the blooms had already dropped from the trees and I found I could only take so many pictures ( 145 it turns out ) of trees before I started to get bored . Of the 145 I took , I really liked the following four . And I did learn something : when it is light out , you are supposed to lower the ISO . No clue what that means , but it 's still good to know . I recently discovered that I am missing a glove . It seemed odd to me that I would take one out of my pocket , but leave the other one . But in all fairness , I have been pretty scatterbrained since James died , so I thought it was entirely possible that I took one out , got sidetracked and forgot to take the other one out . I think I now know how my glove went missing : ( Let me help ) . ( Success ! ! ) ( She can 't see us now ! ) Now if I could just figure out what the little monsters did with the other one . I grew up in a household where country music was pretty much banned . There was no discussion as to why , this is just how it was and we just went with it . When I went to college , I lived in a sorority with several women that loved country music . After months of hearing it come from their rooms , I realized that I actually liked it , much to the utter disgust of my father and brother . I am not a total disgrace , however . I don 't like the old school twangy crap , just the modern " new " country of the ' 90 's and today . One of my favorite country songs is " Chatahoochie " by Alan Jackson . No matter where I am or what I am doing , I cannot help but join in when he gets to the part that goes " I settled for a burger and a grape Sno - cone ; dropped her off early but I didn 't go home . " This is especially bad when I am out in public since , as my best friend 's dad once put it , I cannot carry a tune in a bucket even if someone puts it in the bucket for me . James finally decided I am completely tone deaf . ( This is why I don 't watch American Idol ) . James on the other hand could sing . He lettered in choir in high school . I never sang much before him . Unfortunately for him , I sang a lot when we were together . One night , he was at his computer doing his thing , and I was at mine doing my thing . I had my MP3s on random and " Chatahoochie " came on and I sang it from beginning to end . When the song ended James said " hunh . You finally learned the rest of the words . " I was confused by this . He thought that since I always joined in at the same point , I just didn 't know what came before it . I told him that I 've always known the words , that was just the point where I could no longer contain myself . The next several times it came on , or I played it on purpose , I started in from the beginning , just to prove I really do know all the words . The song came on today at work . Recalling this memory made me laugh . And , yes , I did join in . Quietly though - my co - workers have to listen to me jabber on all day . They deserve not to have to hear me sing too . Today was a slightly better day . I don 't know what exactly happened to take me so far back , but it does feel like I may ( hopefully ! ) be at the end of this latest wave of grief . I know that although it may not feel like it at the moment , I have made progress in the last 15 months and today I tried to think about and focus on that . Here is what I have accomplished : * I have gotten out of bed every single day , even though there were certainly days I did not want to . * When I felt I wasn 't getting the support I needed from the bereavement group I was attending , I created my own group that meets once a month for dinner . * I fixed the drain in the bathroom once and for all . * I achieved my goal of becoming a volunteer project leader for an organization that I volunteer with regularly . * I am not a natural leader but I am getting better at leading the group . * I have managed to keep several houseplants alive for 15 months , with only one casualty . * I have managed to take pretty good care of the dogs . * I have disposed of not one , but 2 dead mice without freaking out . ( My co - worker thinks its funny that I make sure everyone knows I did not freak out ) . * I joined a group for women learning photography so I could honor James by taking on something that was of interest to him . * I found out that I was in over my head with the photography group , so I registered for a class . It starts in June . I am still going to the group meetings in the meantime . * I took a vacation . * Last May , in a week 's time , I raised $ 400 for the American Heart Association Heart Walk . So far in 2 days this year , I have raised $ 150 . In this economy , I am thrilled . * I no longer freak out about things I would normally freak out about . I just deal with them . * I spent 13 months planning a wedding I did not get to have followed by 15 months of grieving . I have not completely cracked and I am not being medicated . * I have realized that I am a much stronger woman than I ever gave myself credit for . * I have realized that I am very well liked in my own right , and not just becPosted by How can it be that a single day can seem so long ago and and like it was just yesterday at the same time ? It was 15 months ago today that I lost James to a heart attack . Like today , it was a Wednesday . I used to like Wednesday . Now they just mean another week , or in this case another month , has passed without him . In some ways , it feels like it just happened ; in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago . I am struggling right now . Last night , I pulled out the journal I was keeping at this time last year so I could see how far I have come . I turned to 5 / 6 , and found I feel pretty much the same now as I did then . The only real difference is that I no longer feel it is a betrayal for young widowed people to remarry like I did then . Even though I don 't feel it right now , deep down , I know I have made progress . I do feel hopeful that I will find happiness again some day ; hopefully , sooner rather than later , but right now , I mostly just feel lost , lonely , exhausted and overwhelmingly sad . I miss him . If I really could have anything I wanted , this would all just be a bad dream . There is a theme park in Northern Idaho called Silverwood . When it was first built back in the early 1990 's , there wasn 't a whole lot to it , but now it is hailed as the Northwest 's largest theme park ( according to their website ) . It really is a pretty cool place now . And , it turns out that if you know the back roads , my dad 's house was only a few miles away . So , one time when James and I went to visit Dad , I took him to Silverwood . I would say one of their biggest attractions is the Tremors roller coaster . Tremors is a wooden roller coaster that you can see from the highway as you drive by the park . Of course , James wanted to ride it . I hate roller coasters and my stomach drops just watching this one from the road . I told him I didn 't " do " roller coasters and he convinced me I should take one for the team . So , I reluctantly agreed , even though I really hate roller coasters , I don 't think wooden ones are safe and this one starts out with a huge drop . By the end of the ride , I was hyperventilating . James promised I never had to go on another roller coaster again and went on the others by himself while I scouted out huckleberry funnel cakes . I highly recommend huckleberry funnel cakes . Actually , I highly recommend huckleberry anything . A couple of years later , James ' brother and his family came up for the 4th of July . Not knowing how else to entertain the kids , we took them to Bullwinkle 's Family Fun Center . They had a roller coaster simulator . I thought " It 's just a simulator . It can 't be that bad . " This particular simulator had an option where you could program your own ride . James decided to program our own ride . I thought that was sweet of him . Knowing how I felt about roller coasters , it was sure to be tame . I can be so naive . He programmed our ride , and we got in . The ride started and I asked more than once why I felt I was going upside down . Next thing I knew , I was upside down and screaming my head off . That was as far as we got . I am not a loud person . I often get frustrated thinking I am being ignored and moPosted by It is days like today that make me really appreciate what it was like to have someone to come home to . Today started out like any other Monday . I got up , stumbled around the house , managed to make myself look somewhat presentable and headed off to work . This morning was like any other Monday . We did the " how was your weekend ? " thing , complained about how slow our system was , set about our tasks , and complained some more about how slow are system is . Our system really is that slow . And not just on Mondays . Then , this afternoon , things became unusual . Our server needed to be re - started and was only going to be down for 5 minutes . Half an hour later , we weren 't back up so I decided to go to lunch . I had an errand to run and I knew I was going to be cutting it close to get it done in an hour . I made it back with 4 minutes to spare , thank you very much . But , the system was still down so I took my time eating my lunch and addressing envelopes to request a couple of genealogy records . While I was eating , my friend called to tell me that we had been asked to leave our bunco group . This is a newly formed group that basically consists of two separate groups of people that are connected by a single person . Apparently , the other side doesn 't like that some of us get annoyed when we start playing over an hour after we are scheduled to start and they don 't want us to play anymore . I 've never been kicked out of something before that I can think of , and I 'm not really sure how I feel about it . James would have thought it was funny though . I am pretty shy around new people and I was just starting to warm up to the others . Oh well , we 'll just start our own group . I got off the phone in time to hear that we were going to be down for at least 2 more hours . So , basically until the end of the work day . My co - worker and I decided that we were going to make ourselves useful so we asked if we could work out in the warehouse . We then spent over an hour repackaging microphones before being told we could return to our regular jobs . Amazingly , Posted by I have always been fascinated with history . I can never remember it correctly , but I love learning about it . In fact , I graduated college 3 classes short of a history minor . I sometimes regret not completing it and wonder where my life would be now if the accounting program had not changed allowing me to graduate a semester earlier than originally planned . Who knows - maybe I still would have ended up right where I am today , and besides , what does one do with a history minor anyway ? An aspect of history that I find especially intriguing is genealogy . After all , it is because of my ancestors that I am here today . I have always been curious about my family tree , but it wasn 't until my friend really started digging into her family history that I decided to do the same . Right now , I like her family much better than mine as hers is much more cooperative when it comes to being found ! ( At least from where I am sitting - I know she would beg to differ on one of her more convoluted lines ) . In 2002 , I took a beginning genealogy class through the community enrichment program at our local community college . Armed with new found knowledge on things such as pedigree charts , family group sheets and a multitude of places to search for ancestors , I eagerly dug into my and James ' families with no rhyme or reason as to which line I was researching . If I got stuck on one , I would just work on another . It is a very frustrating hobby , but one in which the littlest find keeps you going . But some ancestors are much more frustrating than others . In my case , that ancestor is Dorothy Josephine Wentz . Dorothy is my great - grandmother on my mother 's side . The first record I found of Dorothy was the 1900 Federal Census , which shows her living in Ohio as a nurse in the home of Marc and Helen Rowe . By 1910 , Dorothy was Mrs . Marc Rowe and the mother of his sons Albert and Oliver . Both the 1920 and 1930 censuses have the Rowe family living in Babylon , NY . The 1940 census has not yet been released ; I have yet to find her in the 1880 or 1890 censuses , howePosted by When James and I met , he had a lease that expired at the end of August 2000 , and I had a lease that was month - to - month . After about 3 months , we agreed that we would talk about possibly moving in together after 6 months . By the end of 4 months , we were pretty much living together ; I officially moved in with him after 6 months . He had a small one bedroom apartment and when his lease was up , we moved into a much bigger two bedroom apartment in a complex our friends lived in . In March of 2001 , they bought a house . We had never even talked about getting a house ; now he wanted one too . Since I was the one who paid our bills , I thought we couldn 't afford it . We had a lot of problems with the apartment and the front office and so we knew we wouldn 't be renewing our lease and would have to find a new place to live before our lease was up in September . So , we decided that we would look into getting a condo and then after a few years upgrading to a house . The next thing I knew , we had a realtor , a mortgage broker and a pre - approval letter for $ 150 , 000 . Eight years later , I am still wondering how that happened ! As we started looking around at houses , we made a deal : if we did buy a house , the garage would be for the cars , not storage . A novel idea , I know . It turns out we were full of novel ideas . In July 2001 , we bought our first house - a cute 3 bedroom , 2 bath ranch - style home with a 2 - car garage . And we stayed true to our pact - the cars were parked in the garage . Of course , having lived in apartments , we didn 't have a lot of garage " stuff , " but there was some that was being kept in boxes . Finally one day after we had been in the house for almost 2 years , I decided to unpack those boxes . A few months later , we moved to Arizona . We spent the first 7 months living in an apartment , with most of our stuff in boxes in the garage , but we were still able to park the cars in there too . After that , we bought a house and once again , everything but the garage was unpacked . Finally , after we had been there for about a year and a half , I rPosted by When I was a little girl , we would go around and leave flowers on our neighbors ' doorsteps in honor of May Day . Of course , being that we had school , this wouldn 't always necessarily happen on May 1st - it would usually be on the Sunday nearest to it . We would then ring the bell or knock on the door and run and hide and watch in hopes that someone would open the door and find the flowers . It was always so disappointing when no one was home . We would also hope the neighbors wouldn 't recognize the flowers as having come out of their own yards . I wonder if anyone still honors this tradition - hopefully , without " borrowing " the flowers they leave behind . I took pictures of these flowers the other day and wish I would have done it sooner . These flowers have special meaning to me . They were the flowers that were on the tables at the reception following James ' funeral . It was hard to see them start to come up and bloom , and now that they are almost " done " for the season , I am saddened to see them go . |
The days were getting warmer and everything was just starting to get a little greener . I envied the birds migrating back . Perched high in the trees looking down on us . They were safe from zombies and worry . I wished that we could become untouchable like that . It wasn 't even noon yet and we had already sent almost twenty five zombies back to hell . Evie was getting more and more restless having to be stuck in the house day after day . We had to take her further from the house to play because the immediate vicinity around the house was contaminated after having slaughtered so many undead there . We had tried to keep up the habit of marking spots where we killed the god forsaken creatures until yards looked like a crazy zen rock garden . Eventually we ran out of rocks and gave up . Evie was being particularly feisty so Alex , Mel and I took Evie into the woods to play . One of us stood with Evie while the other two searched the immediate area . Then we re - grouped and played tea party or let 's cook with dirt and leaves . Today we had a new game and Evie couldn 't play . Mel took Evie back to the house . Alex showed me what he had found . It looked like a fort or lean - to made by a hunter or survivalist type person . There was nothing in the well camouflaged structure . We couldn 't see any footprints around it either . We both knew that this fort hadn 't been there just a couple days ago . We knew these woods almost as well as we had known our own house . Whoever had made this had done so recently and was probably not far away . As soon as we got back to the house we reported what we had found . Don asked how big the fort had been . I said it was just big enough for one big man or two small people to lay under . He guessed that it was , most likely , made by and for one person . He wanted to see it for himself . Alex and I took Don out into he woods where the small fort had been and it was broken apart . Pieces of the little structure were scattered all over . Whoever had done this was trying to cover their tracks . We looked around with our weapons ready . I heard a crack from above me , like a branch about to break under the heavy weight of something . I was shocked to see a man clinging to the tree just above my head . Don and Alex saw me looking up and their mouths dropped open just like mine had . He was dressed in forest camouflage fatigues . His face was covered in dirt and totally emotionless . His gaze back down at us was one of intrigue and speculation . He was sizing us up and quickly . The front of his coat had the name " Samson " on the front left side . Something about this strange man in the tree made me want to laugh . But I didn 't . " Samson , why don 't you come down out of that tree . We won 't bite . I promise . " I called up the tree while slowly placing my shovel on the ground by my feet , as a gesture of good intent . On the walk back to the house he told us his first name was Dennis and he was a trained soldier from the US Army . He had been living in the woods for the past month or so , putting as much distance between him and urban areas as possible . He had been part of Operation Clean Sweep before going AWOL . The story he told us after was the first piece of outside news we had heard since the start of this nightmare and what he told us was horrifying . His team had been called into a semi large city once the initial threat had been established . Hospitals were overrun and local police forces were insufficient or nonexistent . Operation " Clean Sweep " was put into effect . Dennis and his team started out on the west side of the city while another team started on the east . Both teams were assigned to line up side by side and eliminate anybody they saw . Tanks lead the way crushed cars and other obstacles which might slow them down . Dennis said it was his first call to actor duty and he wished he had been called into some other war instead . He saw people crushed by the tanks ; their inside slowly being squeezed out through very open orifice . As they marched forward they shot every living and non living thing that moved . Killing zombies wasn 't a problem but killing innocent civilians was . The straw that broke his back was when a mother and her young child came running at his team screaming for help and he watched helplessly as the soldier next to him dropped her with a single shot to the head and then shot the young child as he grabbed and cried over his dead mother on the ground . I watched Melissa as Dennis told his story and saw a spark of sympathy or empathy . It was hard to tell the difference . Dennis said that he ran away the first chance he got and headed for the woods . He didn 't want to kill the people he had sworn to protect . The survival skills he had learned in the armed forces had proven very valuable , however , and he thanked the army for that . Doris asked if he thought the army would be coming out to where we were to " clean house " like that . Dennis said that , eventually , they would be here but for now they were mainly focused on densely populated areas . We ate our dinner of pasta and canned green beans . When it was time to go to sleep Dennis asked if he could sleep on the roof . none of us saw why he shouldn 't so he took a blanket and bid us all good night . The evening of our return from the little blue house was a happy one . We cooked pasta and stewed canned tomatoes in the fireplace . Evie had her fill of spaghetti with stars and bananas in a jar . I was reminded of the Romans who would use food as a sign of wealth . That night I felt like one of the richest people on earth . Money had no value in this new world . I imagined myself taking handfuls of George Washingtons and Benjamin Franklins to start a fire or insulate my clothing in the winter . I shared my thought on money with everyone else at dinner and we had a good laugh . " I 'm talking about small towns and villages that still live off of the earth , farm , retain generations of their families at home . Places where superstitions live , those people probably would kill off the first zombie that came their way without hesitation . Thy would be in better physical shape and have farming stuff as weapons and could survive well . " " Interesting thought . . . but . . . At the same time those same people might not realize that it 's an actual infection spread through contact because of their superstitions . They might think it 's , like , demon possession and seek out the town priest to help save some victim or all climb into the local church to pray . Then it would be the end . The town would be slaughtered . . . " Melissa replied to Doris 's optimistic view with a much more bleak situation . There wasn 't much said after that . Chris used the USB port on the back of the crank radio to charge his iPod . He put the volume on high and we sat in the den silently , while listening to the faint whisper of rock and jazz emitted from his headphones . We didn 't have any speakers we could use and wouldn 't use any if we had . Hearing music was a nice treat , even at such a low volume . " Sorry to interrupt you two . Jamie , I think Alex may be onto something . Let 's hear what he has to say . " Don interrupted and I could see the embers on the end of his cigarette get brighter as he pulled on it . I sat back disgruntled as Alex finished his statement . I could tell he was gloating , just a little . " Well , I was thinking that the attacks are only going to get worse before they get better and Zombies don 't just feed during the day . They are non - stop . If we ever get into a situation where we have to fight at night I think we should have some practice . We have the upper hand on the zombies . They rely on sight and sound but we have all five senses . We can smell them long before they can see us , for example . We 're also faster . . . I dunno . . . I just don 't want to be inexperienced at fighting in the dark and then have to do it , that 's all I 'm saying . " Even though I couldn 't see Alex 's hands in the dimly lit den I knew his fingers were fidgety . His insecurity was a turn off as of late . In the beginning I thought it was endearing and cute . I rolled my eyes . To my astonishment everybody else agreed with him . Saying cliches about how it 's better to train and not need it than to need it and not be trained . I laughed . We were going to " train " ourselves ? They ignored me . The following night was the first training session . I stayed in with Doris . Once Evie was asleep I practiced swinging my shovel within the house . Personally , I 'm more scared of close combat in tight places than fighting outside in the dark . I can avoid the night sky but going looting in homes for supplies looked like it was soon to become a way of life . When the group came back in they all looked spent . Chris was missing one of his sneakers too . Nobody wanted to discuss what had happened . I finally was able to manage a slight explanation about Chris 's missing shoe when I was lying in bed with Alex . " So I guess your little training session didn 't go so well , huh ? " I used my condescending voice that I knew would push Alex 's buttons . He rolled back over towards me and said I was wrong , that the session had gone fine . They just had a minor snag when Chris lost Faith and had to climb a tree to get away from a zombie . The zombie had managed to grab one of his legs and bit his sneaker . When Chris pulled his foot up the zombie kept the sneaker in it 's mouth . Don and Mel took care of the zombie while he found Faith . After that they ran back to the house . In his opinion he thought the session went really well , he reiterated . I said he must be dreaming and that he was lucky they came back alive at all . Sorry for the long wait or gap in posts lately . I 've been sick and just couldn 't bring myself to get on the computer . I have been writing on my Ipod in bed , as much as I can , and will upload the new chapters and photos this week . I just wanted to let you all know that this blog has not died or become a zombie ! I picked up the tote bag and took the baby food jars out . I walked gingerly around the dead woman on the floor as I picked up the other scattered jars . I counted a good thirteen jars in total . Lucky thirteen for me . I could hear Mel searching the cabinets in the kitchen . She slammed one , out of frustration and went over to her shaking my finger like a any mother does silently , but willfully . Mel looked at me and said sorry bowing her a head a little . I suggested we check the rest of the house for anything else that may prove useful , while we were there . We listened again for a moment , not hearing anything , we split up . I went upstairs and Mel went into the basement . The first room I came to must have been the parents room . It was neat except the bed was unmade . The closet doors were left open and I could see that some of the hangers were bare . More hangers then normal even of it had been laundry day . What struck me as odd was that all the drawers to the two large dressers in the room were shut . Whoever had taken clothes from the closet couldn 't close the door but took the time to shut the drawers . I walked over and opened one drawer . Ladies underwear stared back at me , silk and pretty , with a faint smell of cedar . I was about to close the drawer when I noticed the corner of a yellow box peaking out from under the panties . It was a box of baby organic baby cereal . Upon further investigation each drawer had been carefully packed with non perishable and dry food for babies an adults . Baby cereal , more jars of baby food , canned fruits , canned vegetables , powder creamer , sugar , crackers , jelly and other various things . I thought I was hallucinating . I pinched myself just to make sure , yup , the food was there . I retreated back into the house with my stomach growling louder than ever . Guess it knew food was nearby and wanted to make it 's voice heard . I went to the basement door . I didn 't hear anything . I gave a low whistle and Mel whistled back twice , meaning it was safe . When I got downstairs she was going through various boxes stacked on a shelf . The box she was rummaging in had the words " camping trip " scrolled across the side in black Sharpie marker . " Not much sown here worth taking . The tents are all mildewed and the sleeping bags and stuff look like moths or bugs gr at them . I did find this solar powered lantern and a crank radio with a flashlight on the side . " Mel pointed to the two object right by my feet at the bottom of the stairs . Melissa followed me upstairs and almost seemed to faint when I opened the first drawer . Our stomachs growled at the same time and we giggled like a couple of school girls walking past the cute boy in the hallway . We were down right giddy . Looking in the closet I found two larger backpacks than why Doris had given us and we crammed them full of food . Our trip home was going to have to be extra cautious because with these bags we wouldn 't be able to run very fast , if need be . While Mel finished packing I decided to investigate the bathroom and kids rooms . I stopped short when I saw the blood covered door at the end of the hallway marked Kaitlyn & Brandon . Now I knew their names and I wasn 't happy about that . I also wasn 't happy that this was the only door closed and covered with bloody hand prints and smears . I approached cautiously and tapped on the door with my foot . Nothing . I tapped again , a little louder , still nothing . I reached into the open bathroom and grabbed a wash cloth hanging from the rack to turn the doorknob with . I didn 't want to get my batting gloves dirty , after all . I tried to prepare myself for what I might find . My worst fear was that I would open the door and find pieces of a baby , whose future had been wide open , strewn all over the floor . Instead I found a cute , clean children 's room . A crib stood in one corner and a car shaped bed in the other . I guess the little girl wasn 't into girly stuff or just really liked race cars . The window was wide open and a ladder leaned against it . This must have been the family 's escape route . Good thing zombies can 't use doorknobs . This time I was genuinely happy thinking that little Kaitlyn and Brandon might be safe somewhere far from here . I scooped up some of the remaining clothing in Evie 's size and bigger . Just because the world had gone to hell didn 't mean Evie would stop growing up . Who knows , maybe Evie might meet Kaitlyn and Brandon one day and play hop scotch or color together . . . " Jamie ? Jamie ? What are you doing ? " Melissa was standing behind me . I was standing in the middle of the room holding a Teddy bear and a large diaper bag full of clothes . I came back from my day dream and said nothing . " Actually yes , this store is fabulous , even had a great lingerie section . " Melissa winked at Chris . I don 't think I was suppose to hear that , so I acted like I hadn 't . Chris went inside the house and came out shortly after with his back pack full and a medium size gym bag . He carried the solar lantern and Mel carried the crank radio . Chris had snagged some extra guys clothing for him and the guys . It would be nice for them to have some stuff to wear that didn 't smell like bleach . I was looking forward to changing into clean clothes myself . The walk home was very slow going . We saw a few zombies here and there . We managd to avoid them or go undetected . There was one house that had two zombies staring out the broken window panes of a door . They didn 't moan or growl because their throats were gone . Another house we passed sounded like it was full of zombies and somebody screamed . I felt weak and helpless . There was nothing we could do . We had our own survival to think of . Whatever was going on in that house wasn 't worth us not making it home . Helping others in this zombie infested world wasn 't a matter of valuing human life . It was a matter of how much you valued your own life . Our walk was quiet except for a man dragging his legs . He left pieces of flesh and smeared coagulated blood on the pavement as he went . He had no chances of winning against us . But zombies don 't weigh their odds when they find a fresh target . They just go for it , teeth first . Mel kicked the man in the face and stuck her sword through the top of his skull . The gooey trail the man left behind lead back to the front yard across the street from the little blue house we were going to . There was a wheelchair overturned by the front porch . I can 't even begin to imagine what might have happened . The little blue house looked like a home from a fairy tale . It was a wonderful royal blue with white shutters . There were four hot pink plastic flamingos on metal rods stuck on either side of the porch . I could see a child 's jungle gym and sandbox to the left hand side of the back yard . To top it all off it was surrounded by an adorable white picket fence . We walked around side of the house . Everything seemed in tact until we got to the back . The screen door that used to cover the back door was torn . It looked like something or someone had run straight through it and into the house . The back door was left open . We could hear faint sloshing and wet tearing noises from inside the dark house . We looked at each other and steadied our weapons . We had planned for just such an occasion . There was no need for us to speak . Melissa would go in the house and see how many were immediately inside while Chris and I stayed by the door . Once she had seen the ones closest to the door she would come back out and signal to us . As soon as she got a comfortable distance from the house she would call out , drawing whatever outside . This was plan number four on our list of hypothetical situations . Before Melissa went inside I put on a pair of old batting gloves Doris had found for me . They used to belong to Alex when he was younger and was into sports . They were perfect for gripping and swinging my shovel . Chris nodded at Melissa and she stepped through the screen door slowly , barely making a sound . The wet noises continued within the house . Melissa unlatched the little hook holding the screen door frame closed . I peered in through the corner of an open window on the side . I could see Melissa disappear through the kitchen and down the dark hallway . She came back running five minutes later . She yelled the words " fast " and " two " as she jetted past us , off the back porch and straight into the backyard . We could hear two sets of fast moving footsteps not far behind her . They came running . The first zombie darted past Chris like a blur . Chris caught him in the back of the head with his machete . Faith was stuck in the first zombie 's head as the second zombie was about to come running out . I caught that undead bastard square in the face with the side edge of my newly sharpened shovel . It cut deep into the bridge of his nose , right below his eyes . It didn 't go in far enough to re - kill him though . So I had a live zombie stuck on the edge f my shovel . The curve of the shovel wouldn 't let me pull it out without risking my safety . Melissa saw this and came to help me out . Chris was still shimmying Faith out of the first zombie while it lied face down in the grass . I put all my strength into swinging the shovel with the zombie attached knocking it off balance . It landed on it 's knees . If it had put it 's hands together it would have looked like it was praying at Sunday church . Just as Mel was close enough to help me I heard a loud cracking sound and my shovel came out the back side of the second zombie 's skull . The top half fell forward and the rest of the body fell backwards . The brain wasn 't entirely damaged but there were two distinct slices now laying on the lawn . Both zombies had been young men and both zombies were now dead forever . Melissa looked at me and gave me her little smile again . I smiled back this time . We stood next to each other on the back porch and Mel whispered what she had seen inside . The two zombies we had just sent to hell were the only two she had seen inside . They hadn 't seen her approach because they were too busy eating someone on the floor . She said the person on the floor must have been looting homes as well because a large tote bag of stuff was spilled on the floor next to the body . I asked if she could see if the victim 's head was damaged . She said that the victim 's face had been ripped open . We could assume the brains had already been eaten but we were still goin to be on guard in case we were wrong . Chris volunteered to stay watch outside while I went in with Mel first . He would go in after to fill his backpack . The inside of the house looked pretty ransacked . The pantry was completely empty and my heart sank . I was hoping to find boxes of baby cereal and jars of apple sauce for my little Evie . Instead I found bare shelves . My stomach growled a little . Mel lead me to the next room . Sure enough there was a young woman in a camouflage jacket on the floor . Her brain cavity was empty and her lower intestines were partially eaten . Blood was splattered around her . Not far from her body was a tote bag and I could see a jar of baby food peaking out . Not too far from that several jars had rolled to other spots on the floor . Maybe this trip wouldn 't be a complete waste of time after all . One of my blog readers sent me the link to this video on Youtube . I don 't embed videos often unless I really like it and I like this one . It 's just too funny not to share . Hope you enjoy it too . We were a little scared at first about using the fireplace . We wondered if the undead might be attracted to the smoke . Melissa and Chris volunteered to test the theory by going to a neighbors yard and starting a fire outside one night and camping there . No zombies showed up and no living people showed up either . I have to admit , I think Chris might have a bit of a crush on Mel . Not sure of what she thinks . Other than her little smile , once in a while , she camouflages her emotions very well . She only talks about her life since the zombies showed up and avoids questions about her previous life . She has proven to be a great asset in the past few days fighting the undead . Which show up in small groups everyday . They mostly come from the front road and shamble around the front yard . Although we have found a few towards the back of the house . We think those zombies came from the front street too , perhaps at night and just walked around back . We haven 't seen any zombies come directly out of the woods . We rotate in shifts : two outside fighting , two standing watch and two inside with Evie . This system has been working well . If one person fighting gets tired they can call to one of the people watching to take over . As long as we don 't get an obscenely large group of undead brain eaters I think we will be okay on the war front . Our pantry is another story entirely . It 's beginning to get pretty bare and Doris 's garden is a long ways off from having anything edible in it . Last night we talked about it and we are going to have to search the nearby houses for food and supplies . Chris and Melissa both had experience doing this so they volunteered immediately . Don , Alex and I drew straws . I pulled the short one . Besides leaving Evie , I actually didn 't mind going . Doris suggested we try the small blue house ten minutes down the road first . She had met them at a yard sale . They had a little boy around Evie 's age and an older toddler so they would be the best bet to find baby food and baby gear . Don said , if we had time and energy , to go two houses down from there and investigate the garage next to a small brick house . His friend Erickson lived there and he was almost positive he kept a small gas generator in his garage . If it was there we might be able to figure out a way to get it to the house . Then he might be able to rig something up so we could take a shower or so Evie could watch her cartoons once in a while . I thought it was nice that despite the misery of our current situation Don was just trying to be a happy grandpa . He wanted his little grand daughter to still be able to wonder what happened to Nemo or Bugs Bunny . The next morning Alex handed me my shovel as I walked out the door . He had spent the night sharpening the edge , making it even more deadly . I saw the blisters on his hands from doing this and thanked him for his hard work . He was a considerate and thoughtful guy , when he wanted to be . But I still felt a huge chip on my shoulder , that I wished would go away . Mel , Chris and I each had empty backpacks Doris had given us . We started walking down the driveway to the road . There wasn 't a single bird chirping and the wind was silent . I could still smell the stench of decay and feces around us from all the previous zombies we had killed . This was despite the fact that we had buried all of the bodies . Mel pulled the gun I had seen before out of her pack . I gave her a puzzling glance . I didn 't reply and scanned the road . Nothing . It was like that Christmas carol , " not a creature was stirring , not even a mouse " . Chris nudged me and we began walking . There would be no more talking between us until we got back home . We needed all of our senses on high alert if we wanted to make it home alive and human . After everybody stripped off their battle soaked clothes , washed up a bit and changed we sat down in the den . I called up to Doris who brought Evie down . She had her purple dog in her arms and extended it out to me . My daughter can be as cute as a button . Melissa was sitting on the floor Indian style when Doris walked in . Her face drained of most of it 's blood when she saw Evie and then she had that little smile again . " Mel , are you okay ? You look pale . " I asked as I put a hand on her shoulder and interrupting the dead stare she had on my child . " Go on , tell us , what 's wrong Mel . " Don said as he offered her one of his remaining hand rolled cigarettes . She looked at it and gestured that she didn 't want one , but in a very polite way . " This is hard for me to talk about . I was on the road for almost four days and I hadn 't seen or heard anything living or alive . I thought I was the last person on earth at one point and I said a prayer to meet up with someone . . . anyone . . . I just didn 't want to be alone and the silence of it all was getting unbearable . At least when the zombies are around I 'm fighting . . . not thinking . . . just fighting . For the first time in my life someone heard my prayers . I came to a small town , a really small town , probably wasn 't even on any maps . There was a small church right in the center of it . On one side of the church I saw a guy in a white tank top . It looked like he was just looking into the windows , walking back and forth , almost as though he was trying to figure out how to get inside . I could hear noises from inside the church as I got closer and I realized that the guy in the tank top was one of those undead things . When he turned around to face me I speared his head against the side of the church . I could still hear the noises inside of the church . . . when I looked inside . . . there were children . It looked like a preschool and kindergarten class . The little kids were trying to climb on top of each other to get to the windows . I guess they had seen the other zombie and thought he was food . Their little faces were so pale , some were missing limbs , some didn 't look injured but were covered in blood . One little girl was completely naked and was covered in small bite marks . Another child didn 't have any eyeballs but was facing the window I was looking through . His eyeless gazed felt like he was looking into my soul . . . I could see a couple pairs of adult legs , on the floor , sticking out from between the pews of the church . . . I went to the front of the church and the front doors had been barricaded from the inside . I 'm not even sure what I would have done if I could have gotten the doors open . . . It was such a small town I could see down to the end of the street where there was a neon sign that said BAR and right past that was a gas station . Lucky for me the bar was unlocked and empty . I took some empty beer bottles from the trash and headed to the gas station . The pumps didn 't work . . . so I siphoned some gas out of one of the cars with a hose and put it in the bottles . I used the tank top from the zombie guy to top off my moltov cocktails . . . they were just kids . . . but they weren 't . . . ya know . . . in any case , someone answered my prayers and I burned a church to the ground . I almost expected to hear them screaming . . . but they didn 't . Those things are already dead , they don 't scream . . . screaming is something living people do , not zombies . . . . . . S ' cuse me , Don ? Can I have that cigarette now ? " Melissa put her hand up and Don passed her a rolled cigarette with a lighter . None of us could speak . I looked over at Evie who was watching one of her favorite cartoons and then the power went out . Evie ran over to me and I hugged her . We all still remained silent and with the shutters closed it was extremely dark for it almost being noon . Doris eventually got up to find some candles . Don and Melissa smoked their cigarettes and you could hear the paper burn . The embers turned from orange to bright red every time they took a drag . When Doris came back with the candles we each took turns telling some of our stories . Then the conversation switched to us wondering what we should do about the power going out and then finally what we should have for lunch . I left the room to change Evie 's diaper and Alex followed me . Alex held the candle higher and sucked his teeth . This was one of his little ticks that he did when he was annoyed with me and I hated when he did it . It always reminded me of little stuck up girls in elementary school who would sneer at me when I asked to sit with them at lunch . I finished changing Evie 's diaper and then took her into our bedroom for a nap . " But Jamie you 're going to screw up her sleeping patterns , we just got her to sleep in the crib alone and now you 're going to put her in the bed . She 's gonna get confused . I really think you should put her in her crib . " Alex said as he stood over me . " And I REALLY think you should leave me alone . I don 't want her in the other room with a stranger in the house . " I got in bed next to my daughter and pulled the covers up over her . She yawned and rubbed her eyes before rolling onto her stomach and falling fast asleep . I wish I could fall asleep that easily . " Sure , you can take a nap . . . let me just get something straight first . You 're apprehensive of a woman who just fought side by side with your family to defend you and our daughter and you call her a stranger BUT a man who breaks into our house with a machete gets to see you in your birthday suit and you invite him to lunch . . . Did I get that right ? " Alex sneers at me . I just roll my eyes at him and say it 's not the same thing at all and for his information the woman in the den wasn 't defending US she was just defending herself . Alex went to say something else and I put my finger to my lips and pointed at the sleeping child next to me . Alex flipped me the middle finger and left the room . I couldn 't sleep . Instead , I listened to Alex , Don , Doris Chris and Mel talking and , sometimes , laughing from the den . I didn 't know anything about the woman in the den and my instincts were telling me to not trust her , at least for now . I had always considered myself a good judge of character and that 's all I was going to go on . Something struck me as odd about Melissa . I couldn 't put my finger exactly on what it was . Maybe it was that little smile she always had or maybe it was the fact that she knew how to wield a sword a little too well . I really didn 't like the fact that she had just told us a story about killing a church full of kids and that memory had been triggered by seeing my little Evie . No , I was going to watch this woman very carefully . I let my hand drop over the edge of the bed and felt around on the floor . My shovel was right there , just in case . I was running in a dark tunnel . There were hands reaching out for me from every direction and the more I tried to scream the heavier my feet felt . I felt like the tunnel would never end and then I started to see a small point of light in the distance . I didn 't dare look behind me . I could hear their unearthly growling and moaning . Just as I thought I would make it out I tripped . I tried to catch my fall and broke both of my hands . My voice was silent as I yelled out in pain . My wrists were like silly putty as I defended myself from the horde of hungry zombies descending upon my legs , my chest , my arms , my stomach , my face . . . " WAKE UP JAMIE ! ! " Alex was shaking me in an almost upright position . My eyes flew open and I must have fallen asleep on my hands in a weird position because they both had that tickling pins and needles feeling , like they had been asleep themselves for a while . " You were screaming and gasping for air . I thought you were choking on something . " Alex said as he got up to get me some water from the guest bathroom . " I was in a tunnel about to be eaten by those things . " I took a few sips of water and looked at the time , 8 : 57 am . Evie would be awake in the next five to fifteen minutes . Alex gave me a hug but I didn 't really hug back . Just because this might be the end of the world didn 't dismiss all of our arguments from before the arrival of the zombies . I can be such a bitch in the morning too . I was putting the last spoonful of cereal in Evie 's mouth when I heard some unusual noises from outside . I peaked through the shutters at the front of the house and saw a jaw dropping sight . There were a dozen , or so , zombies shambling up the driveway and two fast moving zombies leading the way . All I could think was " this can 't be happening " . Don came darting out of the master bedroom while pulling a sweater over his head . He had obviously looked out of a window too . We just looked at each other not saying a word . Doris read our faces and said she was taking Evie to the attic . We had prepared the attic as a place we could retreat to in a worse case scenario . It seemed more logical than the basement since we could collect rainwater from there and , unlike the basement , zombies couldn 't eventually claw through the wood to get at us . Picturing Chris 's fiancée clawing at a mouse hole had made us think of that . Alex and Chris came flying through the back door , locked it and pushed the heavy bookshelf in front of it . We thought this was the end , for real . The men looked out the window assessing the situation while I put on my heavy hiking boots and a sweat shirt . I did a few quick stretches too . I 'd hate to get a cramp at the wrong moment . Hopefully we can just remain quiet and the damn zombies outside will pass us by . I hoped . It seemed as though none of us wanted to breath for fear they might hear us . Don quickly ran to the den and came back with a pair of binoculars . The two fast moving zombies had changed direction and were now going to the left , then they switched direction again as though they were chasing something . The slower zombies tried to follow their lead but couldn 't keep up thus disbanding their group a bit . Don searched and found what they were chasing . It was a woman running at a good pace . She wasn 't trying to run away either . That 's when we watched this woman turn around and stand her ground . The slower zombies were now a good distance away from her as she drew a sword from her side and held a gun in the opposite hand . She never fired a single shot . I felt like I was watching an action or horror movie . She decapitated the first zombie running at her with one smooth move . It 's head flew into the air landing behind her and it 's body kept running a short distance before falling to the ground . The second fast zombie got a swift kick in the chest , knocking it down . She brought her sword down through it 's forehead , twisted the blade and withdrew it as smoothly as she had decapitated the first zombie . The small zombie group had almost caught up to her as she began to jog further away in a small arc . " Yeah , but there are a good dozen out there and having her run around in the front yard might attract more , if there are more nearby . We could help her and be saving our own asses in the process . " Chris stated while keeping his eyes glued to the scene outside . I said that if they wanted to go help her it was fine with me but I was going to stay in the house with Evie and Doris just in case helping the stranger outside turned out to be a bad decision . The men left the house and I locked the door behind them . I double checked that the attic stairs were drawn up and that Evie was safe before I picked up the binoculars and went to the window . The guys had almost reached the furthest part of the front yard when I saw the woman yell something at them and they split up in different directions . Each one now had a few zombies going after them instead of the entire dozen . Smart , I thought . She 's separating the zombies so they 're easier to handle . Chris 's first undead victim looked like a teenager missing one side of his face and part of his shoulder on the same side . His hair was badly matted with blood and his shirt was torn up . Chris hit him first in the neck , right where it connects to the body at a diagonal . This caused the zombie teenager 's head to tilt with his ear almost touching his shoulder . Then Chris finished him by slicing his skull open the same way I had seen natives slice coconuts in Hawaii . The rest of the zombies were killed , again , either by having their brains turned into a scrambled mess or by having their brains chopped up like a cob salad . When the last zombie body hit the floor Chris , Alex and Don all looked completely spent . Sweat dripped down their faces and drenched their clothes . I searched the battle field and found the woman scouring the ground . She was looking for something . I got a good close up of her face as she found what she was looking for . She smiled a little . She skewered the severed head from the first zombie she had decapitated the same way I used to poke the olives out of my dirty martinis . she let the zombie head slide down the tip of her sword , just a little and just until it 's mouth stopped chomping . As the woman walked closer to the men she wiped her sword on the pants of a zombie and sheathed it . She was dressed like she had stepped out of a Matrix movie , all in black . Each of the men shook her hand , introducing themselves , I guessed . They all started walking back towards the house pretty quickly . I grabbed a garbage bag , a bottle of bleach and went to unlock the front door . I yelled up to Doris to remain quiet until I came and got her . I didn 't care that this woman had just fought side by side with my family and Chris . To me she was still a stranger I knew nothing about and I still had a daughter to protect . She was the last one to step into the house and she extended her hand out to me . " Hi , my name is Melissa but you can call me Mel . " She gave me a little smile as she said this . Her smile unnerved me because it was the same little smile she had when skewered the zombie head earlier . Part X - In the car we were all a little shaken from the abrupt stop and now fascinated by the older woman pointing a gun in our direction . Alex was the first one to move , I was second and Chris stayed immobilized . Before getting out Alex looked around in every direction . The same way a driver trying to escape the round - a - bout around the Arc de Triomphe in Paris will check for oncoming traffic . " Don 't worry he 's inside napping . Hurry , help me move the body and let 's get you inside . Where 's Evie ? Where 's Jamie ? " I glanced around outside in every direction I could see , grabbed my shovel and got out . Then I unclasped Evie 's carseat from it 's quick release base , shut the car door an headed quickly towards the house . Evie had slept most of he car ride and I hoped this wouldn 't mean she would be up all night because I could really use some sleep after the day I 've had . Alex 's mom , Doris , I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as I passed her and went into the house . She gave me a smile in return as she slipped on a pair of yellow dishwasher gloves . The house was warm and inviting . An instant feeling of safety fell over me as I closed the heavy front door behind me . Outside , Alex was putting on a pair of work gloves his mother had handed him and they both moved the dead zombie quickly from the front of the Lexus . Chris stood next to them keeping a lookout with Faith . Once they had moved the body Alex briefly introduced Chris to his mother who then ushered him into the house . Alex turned the car around and backed it as close to the front porch as he could . He figured , this way , if they had to leave in a hurry he could just floor it and head straight down the long driveway . coat when Doris and Chris walked in . Doris placed her yellow gloves on a high shelf next to the door and made a bee line for Evie . I barely got her arm out of her coat before she was whisked up by her grandmother and given the biggest hug ever . Chris and I took our jackets off and followed Doris into the den with our respective weapons . Alex came in shortly after . Alex 's father was napping in the big lounge chair next to the two over sized couches in the den . He stirred a bit and re - adjusted his glasses on his face . Once he got his bearings he stood up and gave his son a hug , then me and then took Evie from Doris and hugged her tightly . Evie struggled a little to get down and did her drunken toddler walk over to a basket full of toys on the floor . Doris introduced her husband to Chris and then she retreated to the kitchen as we all sat down . If I didn 't have a shovel directly behind where I was sitting on the couch and if Chris didn 't have his trusty machete tucked safely from within Evie 's reach , but still accessible , you might think we were just stopping by on a friendly family visit . Instead of gathering together in hopes of creating a greater percentage of survival for ourselves . Since starting my relationship with Alex over five years ago I had never seen his father , Don , get angry once . He was always pleasant with a lingering smell of pipe tobacco . He was also a great observer and problem solver . " How was the ride up here ? Did you see many of them ? I 'm so happy you finally made it . Doris and I were so worried about you and Evie , ever since this morning when Alex sent that horrific picture and I came back from my morning walk in the woods . . . " Don 's voice trailed off a little as Doris entered the room with a tray of tea and cookies . You have to love grandmothers , they can always make the perfect food appear almost instantly in any situation . Hopefully I will get to achieve " grand - ma status " one day . " I wasn 't here when your mother got the picture , I was out back taking my morning walk through the woods . I was about an half an hour into my walk when I came across the strangest thing , a bear carcass . . . and human body parts . . . but there weren 't any bodies . It looked like there had been a pretty intense battle , from what I could tell , but it didn 't look like the bear had been the attacker . . . even though the hand and partial leg I saw did seen to have been clawed free from their owner . . . no . . . it just seemed apparent that the bear had been trying to defend itself . I can 't explain it , call in instinct and . . trust me . . . at my age you learn that going with your gut feeling is most often your best bet . The poor black bear was almost like a rug , it had very little insides left , it 's bones had been pulled out . . . it 's under belly was ripped open . . . " Don paused as Doris picked Evie up off the floor and took her into another room . " Don 't worry about it Don , continue what you were saying . " I replied and sipped my hot tea , burning the tip of my tongue . I hate when I do that . " Well , like I was saying it 's bones were pulled out and looked gnawed on , it 's brain cavity was completely empty and there was caked brown blood everywhere . I knew it hadn 't been killed too long ago since there weren 't a huge amount of bugs or maggots yet . Needless to say I turned on my heels and headed straight back to the house . . . my heavy walking stick saved my life this morning . . . I was almost back to the house . . . it was in a bathrobe , I think . . . came at me from behind a tree . . . I swung . . . and swung . . . and swung . Like I said , instincts . . . By the time I got back to the house your mother was hysterical in the kitchen trying to reach you on the phone saying that you had sent her a picture , which she showed me , and was on the phone with you when the line went dead and that she couldn 't get through to you again but she thought you were heading here . After I told her what happened to me in the woods we shut the storm shutters on the house and have been taking turns napping and keeping watch till you got here . . . I 'm so glad you made it here . " We told him the events of our day before we made it to their house . Alex described the zombie his mother had shot in the driveway and his dad said that it must have been the Topher 's eldest kid from down the street . He had been an eccentric college type , into unusual music and clothing . He used to help him cut firewood when he was in high school to earn some extra cash . Now he was a dead zombie with a clean gunshot wound to the forehead rotting away behind some bushes in the front yard . The statement was so unexpected that we all began laughing much harder than we probably should have been . It felt good to laugh and yet so foreign at the same time . I could hear a bath being started further down one of the hallways . Must be Evie 's bath time . I got up and let the boys talk . I stepped into the large guest bathroom and sat my shovel inside the doorway . I could see Doris had placed her revolver on the high window sill . We both had noticed each other 's weapons and looked at Evie who was now busy sinking Winnie the Pooh under a mountain of bubbles . Neither one of us said much of anything as we watched Evie play with her tub toys and enjoy her bath . It was a four hour drive to Alex 's mother 's house . She lived in a wonderful house located on the edge of a state park . Her backyard was a gorgeous piece of untouched woodland that would remain that way as long as it 's state park status didn 't change . I didn 't think there 's a better place to go to get away from " civilization " , short of a desert island somewhere . Our drive out of town played out like one of the most bizarre music videos I had ever seen . As soon as we had successfully navigated past the small groups of zombies in the streets and out drove the faster zombies we came to one of the back roads we always loved to take instead of the highway . Not to mention we figured that staying of of major roadways was a safer bet . Usually I would make some comment about the smell of cow manure but I actually let the stench invade my nostrils happily . I was alive , I could smell and I was thankful for this . Alex reached over and grabbed the Ipod from the center console and passed it to me . I scrolled through the playlists and highlighted our usual car selection titled " Evie 's car list " . John Lennon singing Imagine came on through the cars speakers as I looked out the window . Off in the near distance , a short way up in the field I saw four small groups of people . Each group was hunched over or kneeling on the ground moving erratically and semi frantically . I realized that these groups of people were eating the cows . They were tearing the mammals apart with their bare hands and teeth . Forcing large fists of cow hide , raw beef and muscle into their mouths . I felt relatively safe in our Lexus as we drove past the different scenes of mayhem . After passing though the cow fields we drove past the old mall . I almost expected to see crowds of people in the huge parking lots , like in that George A . Romero movie " Dawn of the Dead " . This wasn 't the case . There were several cars fuse together in a very bed collision and dozen 's of zombies walking around . None of which looked like they had an interest in the latest styles at JC Penny 's or the huge sale going on at Kmart . They just walked aimlessly . Hunting for fresh meat to eat . The things that these people had been concerned with in their previous lives were gone . The only thing that mattered was finding another living human or animal , feeling it 's pulse and then ripping it 's insides out for dinner . We passed several cars on the side of the road that had either crashed or were parked and abandoned . Some looked like mini butcher shops . Blood and pieces of people everywhere . I guessed that if a car were to transform into a blender , got turned on full blast , while the people were still in it , the result would look like what I was seeing . One car that was halfway in the road , sideways , held an interesting sight . A man and a woman , both zombies were still strapped in the front seats of their car by their seatbelts . As we drove around the front side of the car I got a good look inside . The woman had dried , caked blood in a dark waterfall from her mouth down her chin and onto the front of her shirt . The man was missing part of his upper right arm and shoulder . He must have been trying to drive them to safety not realizing she was in the process of turning into a zombie herself . Perhaps she was unconscious when he put her in the car . Then she woke up and had taken a chunk of his arm with her teeth . They both reached out for our car as we passed but neither could undo their seatbelts or get out of the car to chase us . " You may say I 'm a dreamer And the world will be as one " Another thing that amazed me was the amount of stuff some people had tied to the tops of their cars or the number of suitcases abandoned on the side of the road . Granted , I myself had packed a few things , I still couldn 't understand why people would need so much stuff when they were trying to save their own lives . I mean , what 's more important , your life or having the right pair of shoes to go with that matching shirt ? Packing for survival is not the same as packing for a week vacation in Europe . The world had become a more primitive version of itself . Our lives , that had been focused for too long on the concept of " what I WANT " were now changed to the notion of " what I NEED " . I wondered what was going on in war torn parts of the world . Were people still fighting each other while also fighting the undead ? Did humans call a truce with each other and unite to fight the undead ? I looked over at Evie who was fast asleep in her car seat . My mind began to drift off just as we pulled into Alex 's mom 's driveway . My daydream was cut short when Alex slammed on the brakes and I slammed my face into the passenger seat in front of me . Standing before our car was a strange , yet non grotesque , looking zombie . It had big red , curly hair and wore suspenders and a tie . It kind of looked like if Carrot Top had a kid with the Men in Black . Someone from behind the zombie yelled and it turned around . A shot rang out and the zombie hit the ground . We looked a little further down the driveway , closer to the house and there stood Alex 's mom with a small revolver in her hand . She had shot the zombie square in the forehead and it never got back up . Image by Jesse Querry I took our plates off of the table , putting them in the sink . Looking out the kitchen window I was shocked at what I saw . There was a zombie chasing a dog in circles . It looked like the dog had been dragging a chain that was now caught on something next to our garage . Surprisingly , the dog wasn 't barking or attacking . It would just move away when the zombie got o close . Luckily for the dog this was a slow moving zombie who also appeared to be missing both of her hands . . She must have been an orderly or a nurse in her previous life . She was wearing those greenish blue scrubs hospital employees wear . I actually have a pair of them same scrub pants . They make the best pajamas . After a few moments I gestured to Chris to come to the window . His attention came back from his gaze off into space . He looked out at what I was pointing at and chuckled . I was a little taken back by his reaction . I said " not really " and turned to find my shovel . I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Alex standing in the kitchen doorway holding my shovel . He didn 't say a word , walked to the backdoor , stepped outside and tapped the tip of the shovel on the ground , just loud enough to attract the zombie 's attention . Chris walked to the backdoor and stood just on the outside of the threshold with Faith at the ready . He kept alternately looking towards both sides of the house in case anymore unwanted friends showed up . Alex waited for the zombie to come to him . When it was in the best possible spot he swung my shovel . The zombie 's neck snapped but it didn 't go down . Still gnawing in Alex 's direction it continued to approach him . It 's head was sitting on it 's right shoulder before rolling forward onto it 's chest . Alex took a step back and brought the shovel swooping down again . This time he decapitated the damned thing . It 's head rolled on the ground at Alex 's feet . Amazingly , it was still trying to bite while it 's body remained in a heap a few feet away . A few more hits of the shovel finished the zombie head off . Alex then approached the dog cautiously . It cowered at the end of it 's chain with it 's ears down and tail between it 's legs . As soon as Alex had removed the collar it took off instantly . I guess it no longer wanted to be in the company of humans whether they were dead or alive . This was the first time I had ever seen Alex show an ounce of backbone and it kind of turned me on . On the other hand I was kind of upset that he had used my shovel . I realize that sounds petty now but , like I said before , our relationship was far from perfect right now . When he was back in the house I wanted to give him a huge hug and smile . However , when he handed me back my shovel the only thing I could say , coldly , was " Find your own weapon next time . " I didn 't think I hated him but some part of me was obviously still very angry with him . He just gave me a sideways glance and exited the room to get out of his blood splattered clothes . I excused myself from Chris and told him to make himself at home in the livingroom . Which he did happily , kicking his shoes off into a corner , putting both his feet up on my light beige couch and taking a brief sigh or relief . I guess he was just happy to lay on a soft surface after having slept on concrete night after night . I almost started to get upset that he was laying on my clean couch in his filthy clothes but let that feeling die quickly . Who cares about a couch that might have to get chopped up anyways for firewood or to board up doors ? By the time I got upstairs Alex was changed , dressed and packing a small gym type bag . Evie 's large overnight army diaper bag was already packed on the floor by his feet . Evie 's was eating her apple puffs and stumbled over to me when I walked into the room . I picked her up . " I told you , Jamie , we are going to my mother 's . It 's apparent that you hate me and that zombie in the backyard is proof enough for me that we need to get away from town . It isn 't safe here . You 're still invited to come but I 'm not waiting for you anymore . Evie and I are leaving . " He didn 't look up at me from packing his bag once . " Yes , I would . I 'm done putting up with your bad attitude . You 're either coming with us or you 're not . Like you always say to me , you 're a grown woman who can make good decisions . . . " I just watched him finish packing his bag in silence . This morning I wanted to move out or for him to leave but now I wasn 't so sure . I handed Evie off to him and began packing my own bag . I ran around upstairs collecting all of our important documents . Like our passports , birth certificates , social security cards , health records and bank statements . I wondered if any of these pieces of paper would even matter anymore . But I figured it 's better to have them and not need them than the other way around . The next thing I packed was Evie 's baby food . Alex never remembered to pack her food but I was pretty sure he had remembered everything else of hers . Lastly I grabbed the CD case with the digital pictures of Evie 's life thus far . I imagined myself much older showing Evie her baby pictures from before the zombies showed up . How life had been easier and how you could relax outside without having a weapon by your side . Hopefully the world will be like that again . . . one day . . . Alex woke Chris up from his fitful rest on the couch . He almost had a heart attack when Alex touched his shoulder and if he had had Faith in his hands he probably would have sliced the top of Alex 's head off . We told Chris where we were going and said he was more than welcome to join us . He though about it for a moment and decided he would make the trip with us . He wanted to get away from town too . We gathered what we were taking by the front door and I took the first trip out to the car . I put all of our bags in the trunk while trying to make as little noise as possible . Every creek and squeak from the car trunk and doors made me cringe and look around in every direction . I made sure the car was unlocked and that Evie 's car seat was ready for her arrival . As I was withdrawing from the back seat something caught my eyes from the front of the car . I jumped out and standing on the opposite side , to the front of the car was a very chewed up man . He looked like someone had dragged his body through a lake full of large piranhas . He was slowly making his way in my direction and let out a loud moan . Something else caught my attention off to my right and to the side of our front porch . Another walking corpse shambled it 's way towards the car . I grabbed my shovel from where I had leaned it against the side of the car and hit the piranha victim first . He was considerably taller than me so I missed his head and ended up hitting him in the shoulder . He stumbled and slightly fell on the hood of the car . Alex and Chris had been watching from the front door and they both ran out together . Evie was in her dad 's arms with her favorite stuffed mouse clutched in one hand . I turned for a split second just in time to see the second zombie lunge at Alex from behind . I thought it grabbed Evie and gasped . Chris looked back to see what I was gasping at and ran to help Alex . The zombie stopped for a second looking at something in it 's hand , it was Evie 's stuffed mouse . This moment of hesitation gave Alex the opportunity to get Evie strapped into her car seat and for Chris to teach the zombie what Faith was all about . The zombie in front of me was just too big for me to handle alone , instead I darted out a little further down the street , getting it to follow me . Alex jumped in the driver 's seat and started the engine . Chris got into the passenger seat . Once I had lured the bigger zombie away from the car I ran back and got in the back seat . We drove away , swerving to avoid hitting the zombie in the middle of the street . Evie 's favorite toy was laying on the sidewalk in front of our house . That little stuffed gray mouse had saved my daughter 's life . I hope I can replace it one day . I realize chapters 17 and 23 are missing . Fortunately they aren 't super important in the continuity of the story . Unfortunately I can 't find where I saved these chapters on my computer . So they are gone forever ! Sorry ! ! This blog is for entertainment purposes only . All images and writing are property of their respective authors . Please do not copy anything from this blog without written permission from it 's author / creator and the owner of this blog . Thank you . |
The days were getting warmer and everything was just starting to get a little greener . I envied the birds migrating back . Perched high in the trees looking down on us . They were safe from zombies and worry . I wished that we could become untouchable like that . It wasn 't even noon yet and we had already sent almost twenty five zombies back to hell . Evie was getting more and more restless having to be stuck in the house day after day . We had to take her further from the house to play because the immediate vicinity around the house was contaminated after having slaughtered so many undead there . We had tried to keep up the habit of marking spots where we killed the god forsaken creatures until yards looked like a crazy zen rock garden . Eventually we ran out of rocks and gave up . Evie was being particularly feisty so Alex , Mel and I took Evie into the woods to play . One of us stood with Evie while the other two searched the immediate area . Then we re - grouped and played tea party or let 's cook with dirt and leaves . Today we had a new game and Evie couldn 't play . Mel took Evie back to the house . Alex showed me what he had found . It looked like a fort or lean - to made by a hunter or survivalist type person . There was nothing in the well camouflaged structure . We couldn 't see any footprints around it either . We both knew that this fort hadn 't been there just a couple days ago . We knew these woods almost as well as we had known our own house . Whoever had made this had done so recently and was probably not far away . As soon as we got back to the house we reported what we had found . Don asked how big the fort had been . I said it was just big enough for one big man or two small people to lay under . He guessed that it was , most likely , made by and for one person . He wanted to see it for himself . Alex and I took Don out into he woods where the small fort had been and it was broken apart . Pieces of the little structure were scattered all over . Whoever had done this was trying to cover their tracks . We looked around with our weapons ready . I heard a crack from above me , like a branch about to break under the heavy weight of something . I was shocked to see a man clinging to the tree just above my head . Don and Alex saw me looking up and their mouths dropped open just like mine had . He was dressed in forest camouflage fatigues . His face was covered in dirt and totally emotionless . His gaze back down at us was one of intrigue and speculation . He was sizing us up and quickly . The front of his coat had the name " Samson " on the front left side . Something about this strange man in the tree made me want to laugh . But I didn 't . " Samson , why don 't you come down out of that tree . We won 't bite . I promise . " I called up the tree while slowly placing my shovel on the ground by my feet , as a gesture of good intent . On the walk back to the house he told us his first name was Dennis and he was a trained soldier from the US Army . He had been living in the woods for the past month or so , putting as much distance between him and urban areas as possible . He had been part of Operation Clean Sweep before going AWOL . The story he told us after was the first piece of outside news we had heard since the start of this nightmare and what he told us was horrifying . His team had been called into a semi large city once the initial threat had been established . Hospitals were overrun and local police forces were insufficient or nonexistent . Operation " Clean Sweep " was put into effect . Dennis and his team started out on the west side of the city while another team started on the east . Both teams were assigned to line up side by side and eliminate anybody they saw . Tanks lead the way crushed cars and other obstacles which might slow them down . Dennis said it was his first call to actor duty and he wished he had been called into some other war instead . He saw people crushed by the tanks ; their inside slowly being squeezed out through very open orifice . As they marched forward they shot every living and non living thing that moved . Killing zombies wasn 't a problem but killing innocent civilians was . The straw that broke his back was when a mother and her young child came running at his team screaming for help and he watched helplessly as the soldier next to him dropped her with a single shot to the head and then shot the young child as he grabbed and cried over his dead mother on the ground . I watched Melissa as Dennis told his story and saw a spark of sympathy or empathy . It was hard to tell the difference . Dennis said that he ran away the first chance he got and headed for the woods . He didn 't want to kill the people he had sworn to protect . The survival skills he had learned in the armed forces had proven very valuable , however , and he thanked the army for that . Doris asked if he thought the army would be coming out to where we were to " clean house " like that . Dennis said that , eventually , they would be here but for now they were mainly focused on densely populated areas . We ate our dinner of pasta and canned green beans . When it was time to go to sleep Dennis asked if he could sleep on the roof . none of us saw why he shouldn 't so he took a blanket and bid us all good night . The evening of our return from the little blue house was a happy one . We cooked pasta and stewed canned tomatoes in the fireplace . Evie had her fill of spaghetti with stars and bananas in a jar . I was reminded of the Romans who would use food as a sign of wealth . That night I felt like one of the richest people on earth . Money had no value in this new world . I imagined myself taking handfuls of George Washingtons and Benjamin Franklins to start a fire or insulate my clothing in the winter . I shared my thought on money with everyone else at dinner and we had a good laugh . " I 'm talking about small towns and villages that still live off of the earth , farm , retain generations of their families at home . Places where superstitions live , those people probably would kill off the first zombie that came their way without hesitation . Thy would be in better physical shape and have farming stuff as weapons and could survive well . " " Interesting thought . . . but . . . At the same time those same people might not realize that it 's an actual infection spread through contact because of their superstitions . They might think it 's , like , demon possession and seek out the town priest to help save some victim or all climb into the local church to pray . Then it would be the end . The town would be slaughtered . . . " Melissa replied to Doris 's optimistic view with a much more bleak situation . There wasn 't much said after that . Chris used the USB port on the back of the crank radio to charge his iPod . He put the volume on high and we sat in the den silently , while listening to the faint whisper of rock and jazz emitted from his headphones . We didn 't have any speakers we could use and wouldn 't use any if we had . Hearing music was a nice treat , even at such a low volume . " Sorry to interrupt you two . Jamie , I think Alex may be onto something . Let 's hear what he has to say . " Don interrupted and I could see the embers on the end of his cigarette get brighter as he pulled on it . I sat back disgruntled as Alex finished his statement . I could tell he was gloating , just a little . " Well , I was thinking that the attacks are only going to get worse before they get better and Zombies don 't just feed during the day . They are non - stop . If we ever get into a situation where we have to fight at night I think we should have some practice . We have the upper hand on the zombies . They rely on sight and sound but we have all five senses . We can smell them long before they can see us , for example . We 're also faster . . . I dunno . . . I just don 't want to be inexperienced at fighting in the dark and then have to do it , that 's all I 'm saying . " Even though I couldn 't see Alex 's hands in the dimly lit den I knew his fingers were fidgety . His insecurity was a turn off as of late . In the beginning I thought it was endearing and cute . I rolled my eyes . To my astonishment everybody else agreed with him . Saying cliches about how it 's better to train and not need it than to need it and not be trained . I laughed . We were going to " train " ourselves ? They ignored me . The following night was the first training session . I stayed in with Doris . Once Evie was asleep I practiced swinging my shovel within the house . Personally , I 'm more scared of close combat in tight places than fighting outside in the dark . I can avoid the night sky but going looting in homes for supplies looked like it was soon to become a way of life . When the group came back in they all looked spent . Chris was missing one of his sneakers too . Nobody wanted to discuss what had happened . I finally was able to manage a slight explanation about Chris 's missing shoe when I was lying in bed with Alex . " So I guess your little training session didn 't go so well , huh ? " I used my condescending voice that I knew would push Alex 's buttons . He rolled back over towards me and said I was wrong , that the session had gone fine . They just had a minor snag when Chris lost Faith and had to climb a tree to get away from a zombie . The zombie had managed to grab one of his legs and bit his sneaker . When Chris pulled his foot up the zombie kept the sneaker in it 's mouth . Don and Mel took care of the zombie while he found Faith . After that they ran back to the house . In his opinion he thought the session went really well , he reiterated . I said he must be dreaming and that he was lucky they came back alive at all . Sorry for the long wait or gap in posts lately . I 've been sick and just couldn 't bring myself to get on the computer . I have been writing on my Ipod in bed , as much as I can , and will upload the new chapters and photos this week . I just wanted to let you all know that this blog has not died or become a zombie ! I picked up the tote bag and took the baby food jars out . I walked gingerly around the dead woman on the floor as I picked up the other scattered jars . I counted a good thirteen jars in total . Lucky thirteen for me . I could hear Mel searching the cabinets in the kitchen . She slammed one , out of frustration and went over to her shaking my finger like a any mother does silently , but willfully . Mel looked at me and said sorry bowing her a head a little . I suggested we check the rest of the house for anything else that may prove useful , while we were there . We listened again for a moment , not hearing anything , we split up . I went upstairs and Mel went into the basement . The first room I came to must have been the parents room . It was neat except the bed was unmade . The closet doors were left open and I could see that some of the hangers were bare . More hangers then normal even of it had been laundry day . What struck me as odd was that all the drawers to the two large dressers in the room were shut . Whoever had taken clothes from the closet couldn 't close the door but took the time to shut the drawers . I walked over and opened one drawer . Ladies underwear stared back at me , silk and pretty , with a faint smell of cedar . I was about to close the drawer when I noticed the corner of a yellow box peaking out from under the panties . It was a box of baby organic baby cereal . Upon further investigation each drawer had been carefully packed with non perishable and dry food for babies an adults . Baby cereal , more jars of baby food , canned fruits , canned vegetables , powder creamer , sugar , crackers , jelly and other various things . I thought I was hallucinating . I pinched myself just to make sure , yup , the food was there . I retreated back into the house with my stomach growling louder than ever . Guess it knew food was nearby and wanted to make it 's voice heard . I went to the basement door . I didn 't hear anything . I gave a low whistle and Mel whistled back twice , meaning it was safe . When I got downstairs she was going through various boxes stacked on a shelf . The box she was rummaging in had the words " camping trip " scrolled across the side in black Sharpie marker . " Not much sown here worth taking . The tents are all mildewed and the sleeping bags and stuff look like moths or bugs gr at them . I did find this solar powered lantern and a crank radio with a flashlight on the side . " Mel pointed to the two object right by my feet at the bottom of the stairs . Melissa followed me upstairs and almost seemed to faint when I opened the first drawer . Our stomachs growled at the same time and we giggled like a couple of school girls walking past the cute boy in the hallway . We were down right giddy . Looking in the closet I found two larger backpacks than why Doris had given us and we crammed them full of food . Our trip home was going to have to be extra cautious because with these bags we wouldn 't be able to run very fast , if need be . While Mel finished packing I decided to investigate the bathroom and kids rooms . I stopped short when I saw the blood covered door at the end of the hallway marked Kaitlyn & Brandon . Now I knew their names and I wasn 't happy about that . I also wasn 't happy that this was the only door closed and covered with bloody hand prints and smears . I approached cautiously and tapped on the door with my foot . Nothing . I tapped again , a little louder , still nothing . I reached into the open bathroom and grabbed a wash cloth hanging from the rack to turn the doorknob with . I didn 't want to get my batting gloves dirty , after all . I tried to prepare myself for what I might find . My worst fear was that I would open the door and find pieces of a baby , whose future had been wide open , strewn all over the floor . Instead I found a cute , clean children 's room . A crib stood in one corner and a car shaped bed in the other . I guess the little girl wasn 't into girly stuff or just really liked race cars . The window was wide open and a ladder leaned against it . This must have been the family 's escape route . Good thing zombies can 't use doorknobs . This time I was genuinely happy thinking that little Kaitlyn and Brandon might be safe somewhere far from here . I scooped up some of the remaining clothing in Evie 's size and bigger . Just because the world had gone to hell didn 't mean Evie would stop growing up . Who knows , maybe Evie might meet Kaitlyn and Brandon one day and play hop scotch or color together . . . " Jamie ? Jamie ? What are you doing ? " Melissa was standing behind me . I was standing in the middle of the room holding a Teddy bear and a large diaper bag full of clothes . I came back from my day dream and said nothing . " Actually yes , this store is fabulous , even had a great lingerie section . " Melissa winked at Chris . I don 't think I was suppose to hear that , so I acted like I hadn 't . Chris went inside the house and came out shortly after with his back pack full and a medium size gym bag . He carried the solar lantern and Mel carried the crank radio . Chris had snagged some extra guys clothing for him and the guys . It would be nice for them to have some stuff to wear that didn 't smell like bleach . I was looking forward to changing into clean clothes myself . The walk home was very slow going . We saw a few zombies here and there . We managd to avoid them or go undetected . There was one house that had two zombies staring out the broken window panes of a door . They didn 't moan or growl because their throats were gone . Another house we passed sounded like it was full of zombies and somebody screamed . I felt weak and helpless . There was nothing we could do . We had our own survival to think of . Whatever was going on in that house wasn 't worth us not making it home . Helping others in this zombie infested world wasn 't a matter of valuing human life . It was a matter of how much you valued your own life . Our walk was quiet except for a man dragging his legs . He left pieces of flesh and smeared coagulated blood on the pavement as he went . He had no chances of winning against us . But zombies don 't weigh their odds when they find a fresh target . They just go for it , teeth first . Mel kicked the man in the face and stuck her sword through the top of his skull . The gooey trail the man left behind lead back to the front yard across the street from the little blue house we were going to . There was a wheelchair overturned by the front porch . I can 't even begin to imagine what might have happened . The little blue house looked like a home from a fairy tale . It was a wonderful royal blue with white shutters . There were four hot pink plastic flamingos on metal rods stuck on either side of the porch . I could see a child 's jungle gym and sandbox to the left hand side of the back yard . To top it all off it was surrounded by an adorable white picket fence . We walked around side of the house . Everything seemed in tact until we got to the back . The screen door that used to cover the back door was torn . It looked like something or someone had run straight through it and into the house . The back door was left open . We could hear faint sloshing and wet tearing noises from inside the dark house . We looked at each other and steadied our weapons . We had planned for just such an occasion . There was no need for us to speak . Melissa would go in the house and see how many were immediately inside while Chris and I stayed by the door . Once she had seen the ones closest to the door she would come back out and signal to us . As soon as she got a comfortable distance from the house she would call out , drawing whatever outside . This was plan number four on our list of hypothetical situations . Before Melissa went inside I put on a pair of old batting gloves Doris had found for me . They used to belong to Alex when he was younger and was into sports . They were perfect for gripping and swinging my shovel . Chris nodded at Melissa and she stepped through the screen door slowly , barely making a sound . The wet noises continued within the house . Melissa unlatched the little hook holding the screen door frame closed . I peered in through the corner of an open window on the side . I could see Melissa disappear through the kitchen and down the dark hallway . She came back running five minutes later . She yelled the words " fast " and " two " as she jetted past us , off the back porch and straight into the backyard . We could hear two sets of fast moving footsteps not far behind her . They came running . The first zombie darted past Chris like a blur . Chris caught him in the back of the head with his machete . Faith was stuck in the first zombie 's head as the second zombie was about to come running out . I caught that undead bastard square in the face with the side edge of my newly sharpened shovel . It cut deep into the bridge of his nose , right below his eyes . It didn 't go in far enough to re - kill him though . So I had a live zombie stuck on the edge f my shovel . The curve of the shovel wouldn 't let me pull it out without risking my safety . Melissa saw this and came to help me out . Chris was still shimmying Faith out of the first zombie while it lied face down in the grass . I put all my strength into swinging the shovel with the zombie attached knocking it off balance . It landed on it 's knees . If it had put it 's hands together it would have looked like it was praying at Sunday church . Just as Mel was close enough to help me I heard a loud cracking sound and my shovel came out the back side of the second zombie 's skull . The top half fell forward and the rest of the body fell backwards . The brain wasn 't entirely damaged but there were two distinct slices now laying on the lawn . Both zombies had been young men and both zombies were now dead forever . Melissa looked at me and gave me her little smile again . I smiled back this time . We stood next to each other on the back porch and Mel whispered what she had seen inside . The two zombies we had just sent to hell were the only two she had seen inside . They hadn 't seen her approach because they were too busy eating someone on the floor . She said the person on the floor must have been looting homes as well because a large tote bag of stuff was spilled on the floor next to the body . I asked if she could see if the victim 's head was damaged . She said that the victim 's face had been ripped open . We could assume the brains had already been eaten but we were still goin to be on guard in case we were wrong . Chris volunteered to stay watch outside while I went in with Mel first . He would go in after to fill his backpack . The inside of the house looked pretty ransacked . The pantry was completely empty and my heart sank . I was hoping to find boxes of baby cereal and jars of apple sauce for my little Evie . Instead I found bare shelves . My stomach growled a little . Mel lead me to the next room . Sure enough there was a young woman in a camouflage jacket on the floor . Her brain cavity was empty and her lower intestines were partially eaten . Blood was splattered around her . Not far from her body was a tote bag and I could see a jar of baby food peaking out . Not too far from that several jars had rolled to other spots on the floor . Maybe this trip wouldn 't be a complete waste of time after all . One of my blog readers sent me the link to this video on Youtube . I don 't embed videos often unless I really like it and I like this one . It 's just too funny not to share . Hope you enjoy it too . We were a little scared at first about using the fireplace . We wondered if the undead might be attracted to the smoke . Melissa and Chris volunteered to test the theory by going to a neighbors yard and starting a fire outside one night and camping there . No zombies showed up and no living people showed up either . I have to admit , I think Chris might have a bit of a crush on Mel . Not sure of what she thinks . Other than her little smile , once in a while , she camouflages her emotions very well . She only talks about her life since the zombies showed up and avoids questions about her previous life . She has proven to be a great asset in the past few days fighting the undead . Which show up in small groups everyday . They mostly come from the front road and shamble around the front yard . Although we have found a few towards the back of the house . We think those zombies came from the front street too , perhaps at night and just walked around back . We haven 't seen any zombies come directly out of the woods . We rotate in shifts : two outside fighting , two standing watch and two inside with Evie . This system has been working well . If one person fighting gets tired they can call to one of the people watching to take over . As long as we don 't get an obscenely large group of undead brain eaters I think we will be okay on the war front . Our pantry is another story entirely . It 's beginning to get pretty bare and Doris 's garden is a long ways off from having anything edible in it . Last night we talked about it and we are going to have to search the nearby houses for food and supplies . Chris and Melissa both had experience doing this so they volunteered immediately . Don , Alex and I drew straws . I pulled the short one . Besides leaving Evie , I actually didn 't mind going . Doris suggested we try the small blue house ten minutes down the road first . She had met them at a yard sale . They had a little boy around Evie 's age and an older toddler so they would be the best bet to find baby food and baby gear . Don said , if we had time and energy , to go two houses down from there and investigate the garage next to a small brick house . His friend Erickson lived there and he was almost positive he kept a small gas generator in his garage . If it was there we might be able to figure out a way to get it to the house . Then he might be able to rig something up so we could take a shower or so Evie could watch her cartoons once in a while . I thought it was nice that despite the misery of our current situation Don was just trying to be a happy grandpa . He wanted his little grand daughter to still be able to wonder what happened to Nemo or Bugs Bunny . The next morning Alex handed me my shovel as I walked out the door . He had spent the night sharpening the edge , making it even more deadly . I saw the blisters on his hands from doing this and thanked him for his hard work . He was a considerate and thoughtful guy , when he wanted to be . But I still felt a huge chip on my shoulder , that I wished would go away . Mel , Chris and I each had empty backpacks Doris had given us . We started walking down the driveway to the road . There wasn 't a single bird chirping and the wind was silent . I could still smell the stench of decay and feces around us from all the previous zombies we had killed . This was despite the fact that we had buried all of the bodies . Mel pulled the gun I had seen before out of her pack . I gave her a puzzling glance . I didn 't reply and scanned the road . Nothing . It was like that Christmas carol , " not a creature was stirring , not even a mouse " . Chris nudged me and we began walking . There would be no more talking between us until we got back home . We needed all of our senses on high alert if we wanted to make it home alive and human . After everybody stripped off their battle soaked clothes , washed up a bit and changed we sat down in the den . I called up to Doris who brought Evie down . She had her purple dog in her arms and extended it out to me . My daughter can be as cute as a button . Melissa was sitting on the floor Indian style when Doris walked in . Her face drained of most of it 's blood when she saw Evie and then she had that little smile again . " Mel , are you okay ? You look pale . " I asked as I put a hand on her shoulder and interrupting the dead stare she had on my child . " Go on , tell us , what 's wrong Mel . " Don said as he offered her one of his remaining hand rolled cigarettes . She looked at it and gestured that she didn 't want one , but in a very polite way . " This is hard for me to talk about . I was on the road for almost four days and I hadn 't seen or heard anything living or alive . I thought I was the last person on earth at one point and I said a prayer to meet up with someone . . . anyone . . . I just didn 't want to be alone and the silence of it all was getting unbearable . At least when the zombies are around I 'm fighting . . . not thinking . . . just fighting . For the first time in my life someone heard my prayers . I came to a small town , a really small town , probably wasn 't even on any maps . There was a small church right in the center of it . On one side of the church I saw a guy in a white tank top . It looked like he was just looking into the windows , walking back and forth , almost as though he was trying to figure out how to get inside . I could hear noises from inside the church as I got closer and I realized that the guy in the tank top was one of those undead things . When he turned around to face me I speared his head against the side of the church . I could still hear the noises inside of the church . . . when I looked inside . . . there were children . It looked like a preschool and kindergarten class . The little kids were trying to climb on top of each other to get to the windows . I guess they had seen the other zombie and thought he was food . Their little faces were so pale , some were missing limbs , some didn 't look injured but were covered in blood . One little girl was completely naked and was covered in small bite marks . Another child didn 't have any eyeballs but was facing the window I was looking through . His eyeless gazed felt like he was looking into my soul . . . I could see a couple pairs of adult legs , on the floor , sticking out from between the pews of the church . . . I went to the front of the church and the front doors had been barricaded from the inside . I 'm not even sure what I would have done if I could have gotten the doors open . . . It was such a small town I could see down to the end of the street where there was a neon sign that said BAR and right past that was a gas station . Lucky for me the bar was unlocked and empty . I took some empty beer bottles from the trash and headed to the gas station . The pumps didn 't work . . . so I siphoned some gas out of one of the cars with a hose and put it in the bottles . I used the tank top from the zombie guy to top off my moltov cocktails . . . they were just kids . . . but they weren 't . . . ya know . . . in any case , someone answered my prayers and I burned a church to the ground . I almost expected to hear them screaming . . . but they didn 't . Those things are already dead , they don 't scream . . . screaming is something living people do , not zombies . . . . . . S ' cuse me , Don ? Can I have that cigarette now ? " Melissa put her hand up and Don passed her a rolled cigarette with a lighter . None of us could speak . I looked over at Evie who was watching one of her favorite cartoons and then the power went out . Evie ran over to me and I hugged her . We all still remained silent and with the shutters closed it was extremely dark for it almost being noon . Doris eventually got up to find some candles . Don and Melissa smoked their cigarettes and you could hear the paper burn . The embers turned from orange to bright red every time they took a drag . When Doris came back with the candles we each took turns telling some of our stories . Then the conversation switched to us wondering what we should do about the power going out and then finally what we should have for lunch . I left the room to change Evie 's diaper and Alex followed me . Alex held the candle higher and sucked his teeth . This was one of his little ticks that he did when he was annoyed with me and I hated when he did it . It always reminded me of little stuck up girls in elementary school who would sneer at me when I asked to sit with them at lunch . I finished changing Evie 's diaper and then took her into our bedroom for a nap . " But Jamie you 're going to screw up her sleeping patterns , we just got her to sleep in the crib alone and now you 're going to put her in the bed . She 's gonna get confused . I really think you should put her in her crib . " Alex said as he stood over me . " And I REALLY think you should leave me alone . I don 't want her in the other room with a stranger in the house . " I got in bed next to my daughter and pulled the covers up over her . She yawned and rubbed her eyes before rolling onto her stomach and falling fast asleep . I wish I could fall asleep that easily . " Sure , you can take a nap . . . let me just get something straight first . You 're apprehensive of a woman who just fought side by side with your family to defend you and our daughter and you call her a stranger BUT a man who breaks into our house with a machete gets to see you in your birthday suit and you invite him to lunch . . . Did I get that right ? " Alex sneers at me . I just roll my eyes at him and say it 's not the same thing at all and for his information the woman in the den wasn 't defending US she was just defending herself . Alex went to say something else and I put my finger to my lips and pointed at the sleeping child next to me . Alex flipped me the middle finger and left the room . I couldn 't sleep . Instead , I listened to Alex , Don , Doris Chris and Mel talking and , sometimes , laughing from the den . I didn 't know anything about the woman in the den and my instincts were telling me to not trust her , at least for now . I had always considered myself a good judge of character and that 's all I was going to go on . Something struck me as odd about Melissa . I couldn 't put my finger exactly on what it was . Maybe it was that little smile she always had or maybe it was the fact that she knew how to wield a sword a little too well . I really didn 't like the fact that she had just told us a story about killing a church full of kids and that memory had been triggered by seeing my little Evie . No , I was going to watch this woman very carefully . I let my hand drop over the edge of the bed and felt around on the floor . My shovel was right there , just in case . I was running in a dark tunnel . There were hands reaching out for me from every direction and the more I tried to scream the heavier my feet felt . I felt like the tunnel would never end and then I started to see a small point of light in the distance . I didn 't dare look behind me . I could hear their unearthly growling and moaning . Just as I thought I would make it out I tripped . I tried to catch my fall and broke both of my hands . My voice was silent as I yelled out in pain . My wrists were like silly putty as I defended myself from the horde of hungry zombies descending upon my legs , my chest , my arms , my stomach , my face . . . " WAKE UP JAMIE ! ! " Alex was shaking me in an almost upright position . My eyes flew open and I must have fallen asleep on my hands in a weird position because they both had that tickling pins and needles feeling , like they had been asleep themselves for a while . " You were screaming and gasping for air . I thought you were choking on something . " Alex said as he got up to get me some water from the guest bathroom . " I was in a tunnel about to be eaten by those things . " I took a few sips of water and looked at the time , 8 : 57 am . Evie would be awake in the next five to fifteen minutes . Alex gave me a hug but I didn 't really hug back . Just because this might be the end of the world didn 't dismiss all of our arguments from before the arrival of the zombies . I can be such a bitch in the morning too . I was putting the last spoonful of cereal in Evie 's mouth when I heard some unusual noises from outside . I peaked through the shutters at the front of the house and saw a jaw dropping sight . There were a dozen , or so , zombies shambling up the driveway and two fast moving zombies leading the way . All I could think was " this can 't be happening " . Don came darting out of the master bedroom while pulling a sweater over his head . He had obviously looked out of a window too . We just looked at each other not saying a word . Doris read our faces and said she was taking Evie to the attic . We had prepared the attic as a place we could retreat to in a worse case scenario . It seemed more logical than the basement since we could collect rainwater from there and , unlike the basement , zombies couldn 't eventually claw through the wood to get at us . Picturing Chris 's fiancée clawing at a mouse hole had made us think of that . Alex and Chris came flying through the back door , locked it and pushed the heavy bookshelf in front of it . We thought this was the end , for real . The men looked out the window assessing the situation while I put on my heavy hiking boots and a sweat shirt . I did a few quick stretches too . I 'd hate to get a cramp at the wrong moment . Hopefully we can just remain quiet and the damn zombies outside will pass us by . I hoped . It seemed as though none of us wanted to breath for fear they might hear us . Don quickly ran to the den and came back with a pair of binoculars . The two fast moving zombies had changed direction and were now going to the left , then they switched direction again as though they were chasing something . The slower zombies tried to follow their lead but couldn 't keep up thus disbanding their group a bit . Don searched and found what they were chasing . It was a woman running at a good pace . She wasn 't trying to run away either . That 's when we watched this woman turn around and stand her ground . The slower zombies were now a good distance away from her as she drew a sword from her side and held a gun in the opposite hand . She never fired a single shot . I felt like I was watching an action or horror movie . She decapitated the first zombie running at her with one smooth move . It 's head flew into the air landing behind her and it 's body kept running a short distance before falling to the ground . The second fast zombie got a swift kick in the chest , knocking it down . She brought her sword down through it 's forehead , twisted the blade and withdrew it as smoothly as she had decapitated the first zombie . The small zombie group had almost caught up to her as she began to jog further away in a small arc . " Yeah , but there are a good dozen out there and having her run around in the front yard might attract more , if there are more nearby . We could help her and be saving our own asses in the process . " Chris stated while keeping his eyes glued to the scene outside . I said that if they wanted to go help her it was fine with me but I was going to stay in the house with Evie and Doris just in case helping the stranger outside turned out to be a bad decision . The men left the house and I locked the door behind them . I double checked that the attic stairs were drawn up and that Evie was safe before I picked up the binoculars and went to the window . The guys had almost reached the furthest part of the front yard when I saw the woman yell something at them and they split up in different directions . Each one now had a few zombies going after them instead of the entire dozen . Smart , I thought . She 's separating the zombies so they 're easier to handle . Chris 's first undead victim looked like a teenager missing one side of his face and part of his shoulder on the same side . His hair was badly matted with blood and his shirt was torn up . Chris hit him first in the neck , right where it connects to the body at a diagonal . This caused the zombie teenager 's head to tilt with his ear almost touching his shoulder . Then Chris finished him by slicing his skull open the same way I had seen natives slice coconuts in Hawaii . The rest of the zombies were killed , again , either by having their brains turned into a scrambled mess or by having their brains chopped up like a cob salad . When the last zombie body hit the floor Chris , Alex and Don all looked completely spent . Sweat dripped down their faces and drenched their clothes . I searched the battle field and found the woman scouring the ground . She was looking for something . I got a good close up of her face as she found what she was looking for . She smiled a little . She skewered the severed head from the first zombie she had decapitated the same way I used to poke the olives out of my dirty martinis . she let the zombie head slide down the tip of her sword , just a little and just until it 's mouth stopped chomping . As the woman walked closer to the men she wiped her sword on the pants of a zombie and sheathed it . She was dressed like she had stepped out of a Matrix movie , all in black . Each of the men shook her hand , introducing themselves , I guessed . They all started walking back towards the house pretty quickly . I grabbed a garbage bag , a bottle of bleach and went to unlock the front door . I yelled up to Doris to remain quiet until I came and got her . I didn 't care that this woman had just fought side by side with my family and Chris . To me she was still a stranger I knew nothing about and I still had a daughter to protect . She was the last one to step into the house and she extended her hand out to me . " Hi , my name is Melissa but you can call me Mel . " She gave me a little smile as she said this . Her smile unnerved me because it was the same little smile she had when skewered the zombie head earlier . Part X - In the car we were all a little shaken from the abrupt stop and now fascinated by the older woman pointing a gun in our direction . Alex was the first one to move , I was second and Chris stayed immobilized . Before getting out Alex looked around in every direction . The same way a driver trying to escape the round - a - bout around the Arc de Triomphe in Paris will check for oncoming traffic . " Don 't worry he 's inside napping . Hurry , help me move the body and let 's get you inside . Where 's Evie ? Where 's Jamie ? " I glanced around outside in every direction I could see , grabbed my shovel and got out . Then I unclasped Evie 's carseat from it 's quick release base , shut the car door an headed quickly towards the house . Evie had slept most of he car ride and I hoped this wouldn 't mean she would be up all night because I could really use some sleep after the day I 've had . Alex 's mom , Doris , I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as I passed her and went into the house . She gave me a smile in return as she slipped on a pair of yellow dishwasher gloves . The house was warm and inviting . An instant feeling of safety fell over me as I closed the heavy front door behind me . Outside , Alex was putting on a pair of work gloves his mother had handed him and they both moved the dead zombie quickly from the front of the Lexus . Chris stood next to them keeping a lookout with Faith . Once they had moved the body Alex briefly introduced Chris to his mother who then ushered him into the house . Alex turned the car around and backed it as close to the front porch as he could . He figured , this way , if they had to leave in a hurry he could just floor it and head straight down the long driveway . coat when Doris and Chris walked in . Doris placed her yellow gloves on a high shelf next to the door and made a bee line for Evie . I barely got her arm out of her coat before she was whisked up by her grandmother and given the biggest hug ever . Chris and I took our jackets off and followed Doris into the den with our respective weapons . Alex came in shortly after . Alex 's father was napping in the big lounge chair next to the two over sized couches in the den . He stirred a bit and re - adjusted his glasses on his face . Once he got his bearings he stood up and gave his son a hug , then me and then took Evie from Doris and hugged her tightly . Evie struggled a little to get down and did her drunken toddler walk over to a basket full of toys on the floor . Doris introduced her husband to Chris and then she retreated to the kitchen as we all sat down . If I didn 't have a shovel directly behind where I was sitting on the couch and if Chris didn 't have his trusty machete tucked safely from within Evie 's reach , but still accessible , you might think we were just stopping by on a friendly family visit . Instead of gathering together in hopes of creating a greater percentage of survival for ourselves . Since starting my relationship with Alex over five years ago I had never seen his father , Don , get angry once . He was always pleasant with a lingering smell of pipe tobacco . He was also a great observer and problem solver . " How was the ride up here ? Did you see many of them ? I 'm so happy you finally made it . Doris and I were so worried about you and Evie , ever since this morning when Alex sent that horrific picture and I came back from my morning walk in the woods . . . " Don 's voice trailed off a little as Doris entered the room with a tray of tea and cookies . You have to love grandmothers , they can always make the perfect food appear almost instantly in any situation . Hopefully I will get to achieve " grand - ma status " one day . " I wasn 't here when your mother got the picture , I was out back taking my morning walk through the woods . I was about an half an hour into my walk when I came across the strangest thing , a bear carcass . . . and human body parts . . . but there weren 't any bodies . It looked like there had been a pretty intense battle , from what I could tell , but it didn 't look like the bear had been the attacker . . . even though the hand and partial leg I saw did seen to have been clawed free from their owner . . . no . . . it just seemed apparent that the bear had been trying to defend itself . I can 't explain it , call in instinct and . . trust me . . . at my age you learn that going with your gut feeling is most often your best bet . The poor black bear was almost like a rug , it had very little insides left , it 's bones had been pulled out . . . it 's under belly was ripped open . . . " Don paused as Doris picked Evie up off the floor and took her into another room . " Don 't worry about it Don , continue what you were saying . " I replied and sipped my hot tea , burning the tip of my tongue . I hate when I do that . " Well , like I was saying it 's bones were pulled out and looked gnawed on , it 's brain cavity was completely empty and there was caked brown blood everywhere . I knew it hadn 't been killed too long ago since there weren 't a huge amount of bugs or maggots yet . Needless to say I turned on my heels and headed straight back to the house . . . my heavy walking stick saved my life this morning . . . I was almost back to the house . . . it was in a bathrobe , I think . . . came at me from behind a tree . . . I swung . . . and swung . . . and swung . Like I said , instincts . . . By the time I got back to the house your mother was hysterical in the kitchen trying to reach you on the phone saying that you had sent her a picture , which she showed me , and was on the phone with you when the line went dead and that she couldn 't get through to you again but she thought you were heading here . After I told her what happened to me in the woods we shut the storm shutters on the house and have been taking turns napping and keeping watch till you got here . . . I 'm so glad you made it here . " We told him the events of our day before we made it to their house . Alex described the zombie his mother had shot in the driveway and his dad said that it must have been the Topher 's eldest kid from down the street . He had been an eccentric college type , into unusual music and clothing . He used to help him cut firewood when he was in high school to earn some extra cash . Now he was a dead zombie with a clean gunshot wound to the forehead rotting away behind some bushes in the front yard . The statement was so unexpected that we all began laughing much harder than we probably should have been . It felt good to laugh and yet so foreign at the same time . I could hear a bath being started further down one of the hallways . Must be Evie 's bath time . I got up and let the boys talk . I stepped into the large guest bathroom and sat my shovel inside the doorway . I could see Doris had placed her revolver on the high window sill . We both had noticed each other 's weapons and looked at Evie who was now busy sinking Winnie the Pooh under a mountain of bubbles . Neither one of us said much of anything as we watched Evie play with her tub toys and enjoy her bath . It was a four hour drive to Alex 's mother 's house . She lived in a wonderful house located on the edge of a state park . Her backyard was a gorgeous piece of untouched woodland that would remain that way as long as it 's state park status didn 't change . I didn 't think there 's a better place to go to get away from " civilization " , short of a desert island somewhere . Our drive out of town played out like one of the most bizarre music videos I had ever seen . As soon as we had successfully navigated past the small groups of zombies in the streets and out drove the faster zombies we came to one of the back roads we always loved to take instead of the highway . Not to mention we figured that staying of of major roadways was a safer bet . Usually I would make some comment about the smell of cow manure but I actually let the stench invade my nostrils happily . I was alive , I could smell and I was thankful for this . Alex reached over and grabbed the Ipod from the center console and passed it to me . I scrolled through the playlists and highlighted our usual car selection titled " Evie 's car list " . John Lennon singing Imagine came on through the cars speakers as I looked out the window . Off in the near distance , a short way up in the field I saw four small groups of people . Each group was hunched over or kneeling on the ground moving erratically and semi frantically . I realized that these groups of people were eating the cows . They were tearing the mammals apart with their bare hands and teeth . Forcing large fists of cow hide , raw beef and muscle into their mouths . I felt relatively safe in our Lexus as we drove past the different scenes of mayhem . After passing though the cow fields we drove past the old mall . I almost expected to see crowds of people in the huge parking lots , like in that George A . Romero movie " Dawn of the Dead " . This wasn 't the case . There were several cars fuse together in a very bed collision and dozen 's of zombies walking around . None of which looked like they had an interest in the latest styles at JC Penny 's or the huge sale going on at Kmart . They just walked aimlessly . Hunting for fresh meat to eat . The things that these people had been concerned with in their previous lives were gone . The only thing that mattered was finding another living human or animal , feeling it 's pulse and then ripping it 's insides out for dinner . We passed several cars on the side of the road that had either crashed or were parked and abandoned . Some looked like mini butcher shops . Blood and pieces of people everywhere . I guessed that if a car were to transform into a blender , got turned on full blast , while the people were still in it , the result would look like what I was seeing . One car that was halfway in the road , sideways , held an interesting sight . A man and a woman , both zombies were still strapped in the front seats of their car by their seatbelts . As we drove around the front side of the car I got a good look inside . The woman had dried , caked blood in a dark waterfall from her mouth down her chin and onto the front of her shirt . The man was missing part of his upper right arm and shoulder . He must have been trying to drive them to safety not realizing she was in the process of turning into a zombie herself . Perhaps she was unconscious when he put her in the car . Then she woke up and had taken a chunk of his arm with her teeth . They both reached out for our car as we passed but neither could undo their seatbelts or get out of the car to chase us . " You may say I 'm a dreamer And the world will be as one " Another thing that amazed me was the amount of stuff some people had tied to the tops of their cars or the number of suitcases abandoned on the side of the road . Granted , I myself had packed a few things , I still couldn 't understand why people would need so much stuff when they were trying to save their own lives . I mean , what 's more important , your life or having the right pair of shoes to go with that matching shirt ? Packing for survival is not the same as packing for a week vacation in Europe . The world had become a more primitive version of itself . Our lives , that had been focused for too long on the concept of " what I WANT " were now changed to the notion of " what I NEED " . I wondered what was going on in war torn parts of the world . Were people still fighting each other while also fighting the undead ? Did humans call a truce with each other and unite to fight the undead ? I looked over at Evie who was fast asleep in her car seat . My mind began to drift off just as we pulled into Alex 's mom 's driveway . My daydream was cut short when Alex slammed on the brakes and I slammed my face into the passenger seat in front of me . Standing before our car was a strange , yet non grotesque , looking zombie . It had big red , curly hair and wore suspenders and a tie . It kind of looked like if Carrot Top had a kid with the Men in Black . Someone from behind the zombie yelled and it turned around . A shot rang out and the zombie hit the ground . We looked a little further down the driveway , closer to the house and there stood Alex 's mom with a small revolver in her hand . She had shot the zombie square in the forehead and it never got back up . Image by Jesse Querry I took our plates off of the table , putting them in the sink . Looking out the kitchen window I was shocked at what I saw . There was a zombie chasing a dog in circles . It looked like the dog had been dragging a chain that was now caught on something next to our garage . Surprisingly , the dog wasn 't barking or attacking . It would just move away when the zombie got o close . Luckily for the dog this was a slow moving zombie who also appeared to be missing both of her hands . . She must have been an orderly or a nurse in her previous life . She was wearing those greenish blue scrubs hospital employees wear . I actually have a pair of them same scrub pants . They make the best pajamas . After a few moments I gestured to Chris to come to the window . His attention came back from his gaze off into space . He looked out at what I was pointing at and chuckled . I was a little taken back by his reaction . I said " not really " and turned to find my shovel . I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Alex standing in the kitchen doorway holding my shovel . He didn 't say a word , walked to the backdoor , stepped outside and tapped the tip of the shovel on the ground , just loud enough to attract the zombie 's attention . Chris walked to the backdoor and stood just on the outside of the threshold with Faith at the ready . He kept alternately looking towards both sides of the house in case anymore unwanted friends showed up . Alex waited for the zombie to come to him . When it was in the best possible spot he swung my shovel . The zombie 's neck snapped but it didn 't go down . Still gnawing in Alex 's direction it continued to approach him . It 's head was sitting on it 's right shoulder before rolling forward onto it 's chest . Alex took a step back and brought the shovel swooping down again . This time he decapitated the damned thing . It 's head rolled on the ground at Alex 's feet . Amazingly , it was still trying to bite while it 's body remained in a heap a few feet away . A few more hits of the shovel finished the zombie head off . Alex then approached the dog cautiously . It cowered at the end of it 's chain with it 's ears down and tail between it 's legs . As soon as Alex had removed the collar it took off instantly . I guess it no longer wanted to be in the company of humans whether they were dead or alive . This was the first time I had ever seen Alex show an ounce of backbone and it kind of turned me on . On the other hand I was kind of upset that he had used my shovel . I realize that sounds petty now but , like I said before , our relationship was far from perfect right now . When he was back in the house I wanted to give him a huge hug and smile . However , when he handed me back my shovel the only thing I could say , coldly , was " Find your own weapon next time . " I didn 't think I hated him but some part of me was obviously still very angry with him . He just gave me a sideways glance and exited the room to get out of his blood splattered clothes . I excused myself from Chris and told him to make himself at home in the livingroom . Which he did happily , kicking his shoes off into a corner , putting both his feet up on my light beige couch and taking a brief sigh or relief . I guess he was just happy to lay on a soft surface after having slept on concrete night after night . I almost started to get upset that he was laying on my clean couch in his filthy clothes but let that feeling die quickly . Who cares about a couch that might have to get chopped up anyways for firewood or to board up doors ? By the time I got upstairs Alex was changed , dressed and packing a small gym type bag . Evie 's large overnight army diaper bag was already packed on the floor by his feet . Evie 's was eating her apple puffs and stumbled over to me when I walked into the room . I picked her up . " I told you , Jamie , we are going to my mother 's . It 's apparent that you hate me and that zombie in the backyard is proof enough for me that we need to get away from town . It isn 't safe here . You 're still invited to come but I 'm not waiting for you anymore . Evie and I are leaving . " He didn 't look up at me from packing his bag once . " Yes , I would . I 'm done putting up with your bad attitude . You 're either coming with us or you 're not . Like you always say to me , you 're a grown woman who can make good decisions . . . " I just watched him finish packing his bag in silence . This morning I wanted to move out or for him to leave but now I wasn 't so sure . I handed Evie off to him and began packing my own bag . I ran around upstairs collecting all of our important documents . Like our passports , birth certificates , social security cards , health records and bank statements . I wondered if any of these pieces of paper would even matter anymore . But I figured it 's better to have them and not need them than the other way around . The next thing I packed was Evie 's baby food . Alex never remembered to pack her food but I was pretty sure he had remembered everything else of hers . Lastly I grabbed the CD case with the digital pictures of Evie 's life thus far . I imagined myself much older showing Evie her baby pictures from before the zombies showed up . How life had been easier and how you could relax outside without having a weapon by your side . Hopefully the world will be like that again . . . one day . . . Alex woke Chris up from his fitful rest on the couch . He almost had a heart attack when Alex touched his shoulder and if he had had Faith in his hands he probably would have sliced the top of Alex 's head off . We told Chris where we were going and said he was more than welcome to join us . He though about it for a moment and decided he would make the trip with us . He wanted to get away from town too . We gathered what we were taking by the front door and I took the first trip out to the car . I put all of our bags in the trunk while trying to make as little noise as possible . Every creek and squeak from the car trunk and doors made me cringe and look around in every direction . I made sure the car was unlocked and that Evie 's car seat was ready for her arrival . As I was withdrawing from the back seat something caught my eyes from the front of the car . I jumped out and standing on the opposite side , to the front of the car was a very chewed up man . He looked like someone had dragged his body through a lake full of large piranhas . He was slowly making his way in my direction and let out a loud moan . Something else caught my attention off to my right and to the side of our front porch . Another walking corpse shambled it 's way towards the car . I grabbed my shovel from where I had leaned it against the side of the car and hit the piranha victim first . He was considerably taller than me so I missed his head and ended up hitting him in the shoulder . He stumbled and slightly fell on the hood of the car . Alex and Chris had been watching from the front door and they both ran out together . Evie was in her dad 's arms with her favorite stuffed mouse clutched in one hand . I turned for a split second just in time to see the second zombie lunge at Alex from behind . I thought it grabbed Evie and gasped . Chris looked back to see what I was gasping at and ran to help Alex . The zombie stopped for a second looking at something in it 's hand , it was Evie 's stuffed mouse . This moment of hesitation gave Alex the opportunity to get Evie strapped into her car seat and for Chris to teach the zombie what Faith was all about . The zombie in front of me was just too big for me to handle alone , instead I darted out a little further down the street , getting it to follow me . Alex jumped in the driver 's seat and started the engine . Chris got into the passenger seat . Once I had lured the bigger zombie away from the car I ran back and got in the back seat . We drove away , swerving to avoid hitting the zombie in the middle of the street . Evie 's favorite toy was laying on the sidewalk in front of our house . That little stuffed gray mouse had saved my daughter 's life . I hope I can replace it one day . I realize chapters 17 and 23 are missing . Fortunately they aren 't super important in the continuity of the story . Unfortunately I can 't find where I saved these chapters on my computer . So they are gone forever ! Sorry ! ! This blog is for entertainment purposes only . All images and writing are property of their respective authors . Please do not copy anything from this blog without written permission from it 's author / creator and the owner of this blog . Thank you . |
Introduction : No sex , just love , anger , pain , and remorse There is no sex in this story . It is the realistic account of the end of a marriage . It does contain love , anger , pain , and remorse . The night that was View of the crumbling of a marriage . The pavement was wet and cold from the light mid - west October rain . Vibrant colors reflected up from the street as if it were a liquid mirror . He was on his hands and knees crawling around at my feet , splashing around in his own blood . I swore I could hear him crying as I quickly looked around to see if there were any witnesses to my crime , but I saw no one . I jumped in my car and took off for home a few minutes behind my wife . I couldn 't believe she thought she could be three and half hours late from work , without so much as a phone call , and think I wouldn 't come looking for her . Damn it , I thought on the short , ten minute drive home , what a way to end eleven years of marriage . When I walked into the house my two kids , Amy and Marsha were at the kitchen table cutting out paper dolls . My next door neighbor , the woman I had watching them for the last two hours , returned to her own home as soon as my wife walked in . She knew I needed her to baby sit so I could go out and look for my wandering spouse and I don 't think she wanted to stick around for the fireworks . Amy , who was almost ten , took one look at me and I could see the shocked look on her face . " Daddy , " she said , " what happened , are you all right ? " I saw the same fearful look in Marsha 's eyes as they both looked at my shirt . I lowered my head to see I had his red blood all over the front of my white shirt . I hate lying to my kids but I couldn 't very well tell them the truth so I had to think of something fast . " I 'm okay honey , " I said , " daddy just got a nose bleed in the car , that 's all . I 'm okay . " My explanation didn 't seem to relieve their anxiety even a little bit . " Where 's mom ? " I asked . " She came in and just ran up stairs , what 's going on daddy I think she was crying , are you and mommy fighting ? " Marsha , our seven year old , looked even more scared than her older sister . " No honey , please don 't worry , everything is just fine , " I said trying to comfort both my daughters and lying to them for the second time in less than a minute . Everything was not fine . I had just caught my wife , their mother , with another man and I was sure the police would be at my front door shortly to arrest me . I got to the top of the second floor landing and could hear crying coming from our bedroom . As I walked in Diane , my wife , was sitting on the edge of the bed . She looked up through her teary eyes when she heard me walk in . The terrified look on her face mirrored the anger in mine . " Oh , God , look at you , you 're all full of blood . What did you do ? " she asked in between sobs , " Did you hurt him ? " Things were just starting to register now . I was so tense I was literally shaking all over , I could hardly breath . My stomach was doing flip - flops and every nerve in my body was on fire . I realized my hands were still clinched in fists of rage ; my right hand was starting to swell a little and I was having a hard time just trying to straighten my fingers . I needed to try and calm myself down . I took some deep breaths and tried to relax . " Bull shit ! " I exclaimed , " you 're trying to tell me you were with him for three and half hours and all you did was sit in the car and kiss ? What the hell kind of fool do you take me for , anyway ? " No we weren 't at any motel . He took me out for some drinks that 's all . He was a nice guy so when he took me back to my car I kissed him , that 's all that happened . " " Yeah , I believe that like I believe a rabid dog won 't bite my hand if I wave in front of his face . I suppose you weren 't fucking Jerry either . " Diane 's face went literally white . I could see the little wheels turning in that brain of hers . How is she going to try and lie her way out of this , I wondered . " Ah , Wha … what makes you think I was fucking Jerry ? " she sobbed . " You told me , " I said . Her green eyes widened . " What are talking about , I never told you Jerry and I were having an affair . " " Sure you did , at the Christmas party last year . I was wondering why Jerry and Samantha didn 't come . They hadn 't missed a party in years . When I asked you why they weren 't coming you said they had a previous engagement , but at the party , when Beverly asked about them , you told her Samantha threatened to scratch your eyes out if she ever saw you again . Either you just forgot about me standing next to you when you said that , or you just didn 't care . Now , there 's only one reason I can think of for one married woman to want to scratch out the eyes of another woman , especially when they were good friends before that . " I could see Diane trying to come up with a good lie but she was trapped and she knew it . She offered no explanation , she just sat there , looking at me and sobbing . " Since you would even say that to Bev must mean she knew about you guys , right ? How many other people knew , huh ? How many more of our , so called friends , knew you were out screwing around behind my back ? " I wanted to sit down but couldn 't , I couldn 't relax enough to sit down . " Now I know why you wanted that job , it finally dawned on me . I couldn 't figure it out . You didn 't even want to keep modeling after we were married . Then , all of a sudden , you just had to get a part - time job at the bank , all of twelve hours a week . Now I get it . That was just about the time when Jerry and Samantha moved away , isn 't it ? Sure , you wanted to get out of the house so you could find yourself a new boyfriend . " " It wasn 't like that , " she said in a feeble attempt at a defense . " Yeah , right , " I said . " Too bad Samantha found out , at least Jerry was a man , the wimp you were with tonight was crying like a little baby when I left him . " She was still sitting on the bed sniveling when I went into the master bath adjacent to the bedroom and ran some cold water over my hand for a few minutes . She was dabbing at her eyes and nose with a tissue when I walked back into the room . " I 'm sure the cops will be here any minute . Don 't bother posting bail , I 'll get my folks to do that . As soon as the squads pull up I need you to go down stairs and keep the kids away from the front window . I 'll go out in the yard and meet them there . I don 't want the kids to see their daddy being led off in handcuffs . " Diane started to cry harder again , I guess from visualizing the scene neither of us wanted the kids to see . " What are you going to do , I mean , when you get out ? " " What the fuck do you think I 'm going to do ? " I could hear myself swearing , something I never did in the house but I just couldn 't help it . God , I was just so damn angry ! " I 'm going file for a fuck ' n divorce . " Just then I heard the pitter - patter of little feet and knew both Marsha and Amy were on their way up the stairs . " Mom , dad , is everything okay ? " Amy asked . Damn , I thought , this is going to be so hard on the kids . They 're always the ones that suffer the most in situations like this . I felt so damn guilty about how this was going to hurt them and now I had to lie to them for the third time tonight . " Honey everything is fine . Do you have all your homework done ? " I asked hoping to get them involved with something else for the moment . I knew Amy was too smart to accept my lies anymore , she knew her mother and I were fighting . I was hoping Marsha wouldn 't pick up on it and get even more upset than she already was . Amy took Marsha 's hand . Just before she turned to walk her little sister back down the stairs , I could see tears forming in the biggest , most beautiful blues eyes God ever gave to a little girl . This was the reason I had stayed with Diane for so long , the girls , it was tearing my heart out knowing what I 'm about to put them through , that … and of course , I still loved the bitch … God help me ! " No , of course not , but I don 't want them coming in the house . This is going to be hard enough on the girls without them watching me get arrested . Damn it ! " I was so frustrated at the whole situation , the whole damn night was a nightmare . I couldn 't just sit around waiting , I thought , maybe I should go down to the station . " I wonder if Tom is on duty tonight ? " Tom was a , long time , member of our police force and a friend for years . We would sometimes go target shooting together as well as play an occasional game of golf . I first tried his cell phone but it went to voice mail . The department didn 't allow the officers to carry their cell phones with them while they were on duty so I dialed the non - emergency number for the cops . The desk sergeant picked up and introduced himself . " Hello , " I said without giving my name , " can you tell me if Tom Cummings is on duty tonight ? " I asked . " Tom ? " said the voice on the other end . " Sure , he just walked in , wait a minute , I 'll get him … . Tom , " I heard the sergeant yell . " " Dan I just got back from taking a statement from a guy in the ER . He said he was mugged in front of the bank on Graceland . " " Yeah that was me , " I said , " He said he was mugged ? He didn 't mention me ? " " Nope , not a thing about you . He told me he was mugged by two guys but he didn 't know why . Supposedly they just came out of nowhere and beat him up for no reason . You want to tell me what this is all about , " said Tom . Diane looked at me , I guess she couldn 't believe I was telling Tom about her infidelity . " Don 't look at me like that , " I told her , " it 's bad enough I 'm lying to our kids I 'm not going to lie to Tom , he asked what happened so I told him . " Tom was still on the other end of the phone listening . " Well listen pal , " he said , " I really don 't think you have anything to worry about . " " Why is that ? " I said , a little surprised . " He has to know who I am , you don 't think he 's going to press charges ? " " No I don 't . His wife was at the hospital . How is he going to name you as the person who beat him up with out telling his wife why you did it ? " I looked at my , still sobbing wife . " Did you know ass hole is married ? " I asked her . She had her head in her hands again and was moving her head but I couldn 't tell if she was shaking it yes , no , or it was just moving from her crying . " Well that 's at least one thing I don 't have to worry about tonight . I was so afraid you guys would come into the house and put the cuffs on me in front of Amy and Marsha , " I told him . " Come on old buddy , I 'd never let them do that to you . If it 's any consolation , you got him pretty good . You cracked a rib , broke his nose , knocked out one tooth and loosened some more . " " Well it depends on what it is , " he said . " You know that little motel on Graceland a couple miles south of the Bank ? " Diane quickly raised her head up from her hands and looked at me with terror in her face . " Do you think you could run by there and see if they have a registration card for ass hole and my wife . She won 't tell me where they went but I figure that would be the most convenient place and they were coming from that direction when I saw em driving up . " " Yeah , that 's not a problem . We 're over there all the time for one thing or another , I know the desk clerk , If that 's where they went I 'll get you the proof . What are you going to do for tonight ? Are you going to be okay ? " he asked . " I 'm sure Mary won 't mind if you want crash with us for a couple days . " " I appreciate that Tom , thanks , but I 'll be okay . Amy and Marsha know something is wrong so I 'm just going to stay here tonight . Hopefully they 'll feel a little better if they see me here in the morning . This is going to be so hard on them , Tom . " " Thanks , unfortunately there isn 't much anyone can do anymore . I 'll give you a call tomorrow . Maybe we can go out for a drink and I can pick up the police report and that motel registry card if there is one . The way my wife just looked at me when I mentioned it though , I 'm sure it 'll be there . " We each said good - bye . I closed my phone and looked back at my wife , who 's face had now gone from sorrow to anger . " You just had to embarrass me by having Tom go to the motel didn 't you . Damn it , why can 't you just take my word for it , why do you always have to be right ? " " No Diane , that 's exactly what I was hoping NOT to hear . I just don 't understand , I loved you , loved you with all my heart . Why " " You don 't love me , you love your work , your photography . You 're either at the studio or you 're on location somewhere with some gorgeous , young model . And , if you 're not there you 're at the damn college , teaching . You haven 't touched me in years , what do you care who I sleep with anyway . You 're married to your fucking job , you 're a photographer , it 's who you are , " her trembling voice exuding the stress of the night . " Jeez , I just don 't believe it , we 've been together for twelve years and you don 't have a clue as to who I am , " I said . " Being a photographer isn 't who I am , it 's what I do . Yes , I am one of the lucky bastards who actually makes a living at doing something he enjoys , but it 's far from who I am . " I had been pacing back and forth all night , I finally sat down on the bed next to Diane . " Who I am is the guy who fell in love with you the minute he saw you . Who I am is a loving father and husband who hates spending time away from his wife and kids and who would give anything to be with them day and night , but who knows he can 't do that because he has responsibilities and obligations as head of the house . How do think I get the money for all this ? I have a wife who just has to redecorate the house every six months , who has to have new furniture every year , who has to go to Carson 's and Marshall Fields to buy clothes for her young children , who had to go out a buy a fucking horse , for Pete 's sake , because her girl friend had one . " Now my own eyes were starting to tear . " You got a whole closet full of expensive clothes , " I said gesturing at the closet with my had , " and yet , every time we go anywhere , you tell me you don 't have anything to wear . Yes , I 'm at the studio shooting one assignment after another all day long , then I have to sit in the back editing half the night when all I can think of is how I wish I was home with my family . When I 'm on location some place I sit in my motel room at night lonely and depressed because I miss my family and I can 't wait to get home . And yes , I took the job teaching at the college at night because one day we 're going to turn around and our own kids will be going to college , and somebody has to pay for it . You really think I do all that because I don 't love you ? Shit , you and the girls are all I think about , you 're my whole life , you and the kids , not the studio … " Now it was my voice breaking up and I had to wipe my nose with a tissue ; as pissed off as I was , I knew divorcing my wife was going to be the hardest thing I ever had to do . " As far as not touching you , hell every time I reached for you at night you 'd tell me you weren 't in the mood . I finally got tired of being rejected by my own wife all the time so I figured I let you make the first move , but you never did . Not once in two years did you ever reach for me in the night , or try to initiate sex in any way . Shit , you didn 't care enough to even ask me if there was something wrong . Every night for months I prayed that you 'd reach over and just give me a touch , that 's all it would take , just a touch , but you never did . Finally I just gave up . " Diane had her head lowered when I looked at her . Diane looked at me like she never saw me before . " You 're going to tell me you went on those two and three day trips with all those young models and you never once slept with one them . Remember me , I was a model for years , I know what goes on at night on those location shoots . " " Not once , Diane , " I looked her straight in her teary , green , photogenic eyes , " not one time have ever I cheated on you with anyone , not once ! " At least she knew me well enough that she could see in my face , I was telling the truth . She lowered her eyes again and I believe I could hear true regret in her voice . " I 'm sorry , " she said , " I really am sorry . I don 't want a divorce . I promise , no more cheating … ever , and we can make love all the time if you want , but I don 't want to get a divorce . " " Well I 'm sorry too , Diane , but I 'm not giving you a choice in the matter , I 'm calling Larry tomorrow morning to get the paper work started . " I couldn 't believe her face showed shock as she looked back up at me . " What did you expect , Diane ? " I said , " Jeez , you didn 't even have the courtesy to lie to me . " " Tonight , " I said , " if you had called and said you were going out with the girls after work , or had a meeting or just about anything , that would have been one thing . I would have been suspicious , but I probably wouldn 't have gone looking for you , but you didn 't . You just fuck ' n didn 't come home , no call , no nothing ! You just didn 't give a damn ! You didn 't give me enough respect to even try to keep it from me . What did you think I was going to do , just sit around and twiddle my thumbs , wondering where my beautiful wife was ? And now you don 't want a divorce , that 's make no sense , you obviously don 't love me , you sure as hell don 't respect me . " " That 's not true , I do respect you , very much and I do still love you . Somewhere things just got screwed up . I don 't know how it happened but it did . That doesn 't mean we can 't fix it , Dan . Think of the children , what it would do to them if we got divorced . " We certainly weren 't going to settle any thing , not then anyway . " Look , it 's getting late , " I said . " It 's already way past the kids bed time . Do you think you can pull yourself together enough so we can both put the kids to bed ? " Diane went into the bathroom and washed her face . In a couple minutes we both went down stairs . As we walked around the front of the couch , there they were , both cuddled together and sound asleep . I had to turn away , my face scrunched up in the pain of knowing my life , as I knew it for the last eleven years , would soon be coming to an end . Silently I just kept asking myself why , why didn 't she love me like I loved her . I raised my left hand to wipe the tears from my eyes . I felt her hand on my back . " It 'll be alright , honey . We 'll work through this … it 'll be okay . " " I 'll be right back , " I said as I headed for the down stairs washroom . Now I had to rinse my face . We had to wake the kids to get them into their pajamas and get them to bed and I didn 't want them to see me crying either . I composed myself and , together , we tucked them into bed , kissed them good - night and went back down stairs . " How about if I put on a pot of coffee and we talk , " Diane said . " I 'm done talking for the night . I was going to stay here tonight but I just can 't . I 'm going to go down to that little motel on Dempster and spend the night there . I 'll be back in the morning before the kids get up . " " Dan , don 't do that , please . Stay here , I want to make love to you tonight . It 's been so long , I want us to reconnect . " " You really believe I would take sloppy seconds and stick my dick into you after that ass hole ? " I was shocked as I heard my own voice , the intensity of emotion , the hatred , maybe not for Diane , but certainly for what she did , it was all coming out . Diane was shocked as well . I think she finally got it as she looked into my face and saw the pain I was going through . I had never talked to Diane that way before . I think it scared her , I know it scared me . " Honey … " " Don 't honey me ! " I said , raising my voice again . " Just don 't say anything right now . This marriage is over , it 's dead and you killed it , " I said . I was getting furious all over again . I had to get out of there . I turned and went up stairs . I threw a few things in a bag then went down the stairs and out the front door without another word . I checked into the motel and left a six a . m . wake up call . Diane would be getting the kids up at seven - thirty . That would give me plenty of time to shower , have some breakfast , and be at the house for the kids when they woke up . As it turned out it was for nothing , I didn 't sleep a wink all night . I laid there , wondering if there was some way I could salvage my marriage . I always came up with the same answer , no way in hell . As much as I loved Diane , I would never be able to trust her … never . The motel phone rang promptly at six a . m . and a cheery fellow on the other end announced my wake call . I showered , put on some clean clothes and checked out before hitting Denny 's for breakfast . I had devised a short term plan of action . There was a bed and a couple rooms in the back of my photography studio where I could bunk for a little while until I found an apartment . After the kids left for school I would pack some clothes and things and get set up there . Tonight , when they get home from school , I would do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life … tell my children their mother and I are getting a divorce . I walked into the house a little after seven . There , dressed in the same clothes she was wearing the night before , was Diane , sitting at the kitchen table just as I left her but now staring into a cup of coffee . As she lifted her head to look at me . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for her . The way she 's been acting , I really didn 't think it was going to be this hard on her . She didn 't say a word , just followed me with her eyes as I walked over and poured myself a cup of coffee . I sat down on the opposite side of the table . " Have you been sitting here all night ? " I asked . She slowly nodded her head yes . " Are you still so angry ? " she asked me . " Do you think we can talk ? " " I don 't have anything scheduled until eleven - thirty , so we can talk after we get the kids off to school , but it won 't do any good , Diane , we 're done . " " Dan , you don 't mean that . We can work this out . Look , I admit I 've done some bad things , terrible things . I showed you no respect and literally treated you like dirt at times . I 've been sitting here all night trying to figure out why because , in spite of what you might think , I do respect you and I do love you , very much . " " Diane , we 'll be getting the kids up in just a few minutes , let 's not talk about it until we get them off to school , " I said . For the next fifteen minutes we sat in silence , each sipping our coffee . It 's amazing how many thoughts can go through a person 's head in a short period of time . Again , for the umpteenth time in the last twelve hours , I wondered if there was a way … any way to save my marriage . I glanced up from my cup and looked into my wife 's beautiful face . A tear broke free from her eye and come to rest on an , already tear stained , high cheek bone . There it rested briefly before gravity forced it on the rest of its journey , ending on the top of the hard kitchen table . I took a deep breath started to stand . " What do you say we get the kids up , huh . " As hard as I thought it was going to be to keep it together while Diane and I got the kids up and off to school , it was harder … much harder . I almost lost it as we walked into their bedroom and I looked into their angel like , innocent faces . I almost lost it again as I bent over and kissed them on the forehead while gently shaking them to wake up . I went down stairs and started breakfast while Diane stayed upstairs and got them washed and dressed . We all had , what I knew was our last , breakfast as a family and it took every ounce of courage I had to keep from falling apart as I hugged and kissed them both before Diane and I put them on the school bus . This was the morning routine I had grown to love so much . " Come on , " said Diane , turning to go back into the house , " we have to talk , we 're both adults , I know we can work this out . " I gathered up the breakfast dishes and put them in the washer as Diane rationed out the last of the coffee then made another pot . She took both cups . " Let 's go in the living room and talk , it 's more comfortable , " she said , turning and walking in that direction . She sat down on the couch with me sitting down next to her as she set the coffee cups down on the table in front of us . Her hand was shaking as she reached for her coffee . " When we met we both had kind of an exciting life . You were wheeling and dealing every day , building up your business and my modeling career was going well . Hell I had three covers in one year just before meeting you . " I sat and listened , praying she would say something that would make all the hurt go away . She continued . " When we got married my life changed drastically . I know , it was my decision to give up modeling , but it was because I wanted to settle down and make a life with you , have a family with you . But your life didn 't change , not like mine did . I don 't know what I expected , I really don 't . I knew your studio was your livelihood , our livelihood , but it was like my life had changed so significantly , I guess I just figured yours would too … but yours didn 't , your life was still exciting . You were still traveling and doing what you loved to do . I was jealous , Dan . That jealousy somehow turned to anger and I wanted to strike out and hurt you . " She shifted her body to face me more . " I started to think about the opportunities you had to sleep with other models . I 'd have coffee with some of my girlfriends and tell them I thought you were sleeping around on me and they just supported my suspicions , telling me you were a man , what did I expect . I literally convinced myself you were having affairs so I could justify having one myself . " At that point she broke into tears and just repeated she was so sorry . I put my arm around her and pulled her to me kissing her on her forehead . I took the , now empty , coffee cup from her hand before she dropped it and held her tight . Once again tears were welling up in my own eyes . After giving her a few minutes to settle down I went into the kitchen to fill our cups with some fresh coffee . When I returned she proceeded . " I did have an affair with Jerry … for almost a year . It wasn 't until two or three months after we both broke it off that he confessed the whole thing to Samantha . I thought sure she was going to call you but she never did . She just told me she didn 't ever want to see or hear from me again . And , yes Bev did know , but she was the only one who knew , honest . " I sat there trying to absorb everything . I was trying to understand . I could actually understand the jealousy part because I was always a little jealous of her being able to stay home with the kids all the time . How ironic I thought . " What about last night ; what about the guy I decked . " " He works at the bank . He 's a loan officer . We had been together a few times before but always while you were out of town . To tell you the truth , I thought , and thought , and thought about it , I have no idea why I didn 't call and say I 'd be late . Maybe I wanted to get caught , maybe I needed to get caught , I don 't know . I do know how guilty I always felt right after we were done . " " Okay , " I said . " Look It 's getting late and I have to get down to the studio . I had planned on taking my clothes with me then coming back tonight so we could tell the kids together that we were getting divorced . I 'm still going to take some clothes with me and stay at the studio for a couple days , but I just don 't know what to do yet . I hate to do this to you , but I still have a lot of thinking to do , Diane . I 'm telling you right now though , I wouldn 't get my hopes up . I just don 't see us staying together , not at this point anyway . When the kids come home tell them I 'm out of town . I need some time to think . " I went upstairs and got some clothes . Diane was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs . " I know I screwed up , Dan , " she said , " but I don 't want to lose you . Please , give me a second chance . " I smiled , kissed her on the cheek and left . For the next three days every waking hour was consumed with thoughts of my situation . I even cancelled all my shoots telling my clients I wasn 't feeling well . It wasn 't a lie , I felt like crap all day and all night and there was no way I could concentrate anyway . I wanted so much to put my marriage back together . I thought about a trial separation , marriage counseling , or just flat pretending as if nothing happened . It always came down to one word though , trust . She lied to me for so long , even the other night , after being caught red handed she found it so easy to lie to me . No matter how much I loved her , no matter how much I loved my kids , it would never work . I would spend the rest of my life wondering where she was , what was she doing , and was she doing it with somebody else . I couldn 't live like that . It would kill me . That 's exactly what I told her when I returned to the house . I think she expected it and tried to prepare herself because she took it better than I thought she would . I called Larry , my attorney from the house and told him to start the paper work . The house was paid for . I would give it to Diane with no strings attached . She would also get everything in the house except what little camera gear I kept there , my golf clubs , and personal items . Diane asked if she could keep the wedding album and I said of course she could . We discussed telling the kids and decided we would wait one more day . Tomorrow was Friday . I would come by after school and we would tell the kids together , then I would take them for the week - end and show them I would still be their dad and still be part of their lives . Three weeks later I found a two bedroom condo just a mile and a half from the house . I took the larger bedroom and put in twin beds for the girls and flat screen TV . Diane gave me some of their pictures and things to hang on the wall so it would feel more like home to them . Diane was extremely generous with visiting rights . Even though the court gave me every other week - end , Diane let me have them almost every week - end and I would sometimes come over in the evenings to help them with their homework . This is not the end . There really is no end . Kids grow up , life goes on , passions sometimes die . Only one thing has remained a constant … Love still burns in my broken heart . Read 11760 times | As you can see , I 've voted your story into oblivion . Let that be a lesson to you . Oh , and that one positive review . . . yeah that was me too . And I lied , it wasn 't good or well written . I just like trollin ya . As you can see , I 've voted your story into oblivion . Let that be a lesson to you . Oh , and that one positive review . . . yeah that was me too . And I lied , it wasn 't good or well written . I just like trollin ya . |
I 've made New Years Resolutions before . Lots of them . They never seem to work out . I always find myself more motivated for change on my birthday . I think its due to suddenly becoming one year closer to ' old ' . . . . . whenever that may be . So this year I have decided to make resolutions for my children instead . I have two reasons for this . 1 . Maybe making them for someone else will work better than for myself . 2 . They 're too young to know any better . So here it goes . Keep your fingers crossed for me . 1 . Every morning will be brought in as if it were the happiest day ever ! 2 . On the weekends we will not wake up until after 7am at least unless prompted to do otherwise by mommy . 3 . We will play nice with eachother . 4 . That screech app that was installed in DD will magically be un - installed . 5 . We will finally let mommy poop in peace so she doesn 't have to hold it until she goes to work anymore . 6 . We will ( at the age of 4 and 1 ) learn how to make the perfect pot of coffee for mommy in the morning . 7 . As the only son I will finally stop refusing to wipe my own butt so mommy can having nightmares of poop smeared jeans . 8 . From now on when mommy says she is going to make dinner we are going to sit and play quietly in the playroom because we understand that the more we scream at her the longer it takes her to make said dinner . 9 . We will finally understand that marshmellows and cookies are not a complete part of your breakfast . 10 . We will clean and wash mommys car once a month because we understand that the majority of the mess , especially in the back seat , is caused by us . Signed sincerely , The two most perfect angels in all of ConnecticutPublished with Blogger - droid v1 . 6 . 5 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed , watching his wife , who was looking at herself in the mirror . Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she 'd like to have for her birthday . ' I 'd like to be six again ' , she replied , still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday , he arose early , made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms , and then took her to Six Flags theme park . What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park ; the Death Slide , the Wall of Fear , the Screaming Roller Coaster , everything there was . Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park . Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down . He then took her to a McDonald 's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake . This is what I 'm picturing . My kids are sleeping soundly in their beds . All is quiet in the house . Despite having the doors locked a little troll finds its way into the house through the drier vent . Up the stairs he creeps and into Pheobe 's room first . Because it is a crib all he has to do is reach his stubby arm through the side . He takes out a large syringe filled with green Goo and squirts it in her nose . This way you can 't tell the difference between the Goo and the boogers . He then sneaks down the hall to Theo 's room . He has to climb on the bed to get to Theo because its a full sized bed . He does the same thing in Theo 's nose as he did Pheobe . Then the little bastard sneaks back down stairs . And just like pulling a fire alarm as he shoots up the vent he wakes the kids . And that 's how it happens . That 's how a sleeping mommy who is dreaming of sun filled days on a beach on Maui is suddenly faced with 2 screaming children who won 't stop . 2 screaming children who she swears have red eyes and are talking in tongues . The rest of a day that starts like that is spent trying to figure out the right words for an add on Craigslist . The add would be how I can sell myself as a mail order bride to an old man in his 80 's who can 't even get it up anymore . If you thought I was going to sell my children you were wrong . That 's highly illegal and I would never do such a thing . I would rather get post cards from family members begging me to come back and take care of my demon children . Published with Blogger - droid v1 . 6 . 5 I haven 't pooped in 3 days . I 'm 100 % serious . Don 't get me wrong , I 've tried . Numerous times . Epic fail every time . It goes a little something like this : 9 : 10am : Me " Mother of pearl ! " as I shake the cat who is clawing on for dear life off my back . 9 : 11am : Me " Yes . I 'm done . " Eleven minutes spent on the toilet . Not a single poop made it to its watery grave . Tell me , where in those eleven minutes did I actually have time to even get a single poop out ? 3 days it 's been like this . Tomorrow is day number 4 . Wish me luck or send me an enema . I 'm gonna need it . My 19 month old daughter has been home sick for the past two days with some mysterious cough . This time together without my 4 year old has given me a lot of extra moments of reflection . As I look at my little lady bird I can 't help but feel my heart warm . She is growing up so quickly , i can hardly keep up . Before I know it she is going to the 4 year old and there wont be a 19 month old . I smile at the thought of watching her grow and explore the world . But it wasn 't always like this . There was a time when I couldn 't even look at her without welling up with spite and ( I hate to say it ) mystery . This time wasn 't so long ago . I wanted a girl so bad before I got pregnant . I loved my son with all my heart and couldn 't imagine my life without him , but couldn 't help but wonder what it would be like if I had a little girl . When I got pregnant for the second time I would pray every night that this one would be a girl . I wished and wished and wished . When we finally went in for the 19 week ultra sound I held my breath as the technician checked the sex . " It 's a girl ! " My best friend and I did a little happy dance and talked of tutus and bows as my husband sunk into the floor in fear . I couldn 't believe that all my wishing and praying paid off ! The fact that I was having a girl ended up causing some issues at home . My husband was afraid to have sex with me because he didn 't like the idea of his penis being so close to his daughter 's head . He had mood swings due to panic caused by the thought of men hitting on his daughter . Through all this I smiled and continued to dream of tutus and hair bows . I had picked out the perfect little flowered jumper for her to come home from the hospital in and daydreamed about bringing her home . Two days after I reached 37 weeks I went into labor . 13 hours later that beautiful little girl I had been waiting to see came into the world . When they handed her to me I could have sworn I was looking at my son , and it made me smile . 3 days later we were on our way home . Heading home should have made me overjoyed and excited . I should have been ready to jump into the car and head out to start this new chapter in my life . Instead I almost broke down into tears as I left the little room on the 3rd floor of the hospital . I remember looking at my car and wanting to vomit . Then I looked at my husband and then my daughter and could feel nothing but anger . By the time we got to our friend 's house to pick up my son I was almost coming out of my skin with anxiety . I didn 't want to do this anymore . Having a second child was a mistake , please God take her back . The first two weeks home were a blur . We were in the middle of moving and it was my job to get the boxes packed . I would find myself sitting in the middle of the couch looking back and forth between my new daughter , the boxes , and my son and then crying . I couldn 't find the motivation to do anything , I didn 't WANT to do anything . By the time we moved I was miserable . I couldn 't look at my daughter without being angry and crying . I seriously didn 't want her but knew that I didn 't have a choice . I didn 't enjoy breast feeding her like i did with my son . I wanted her to be done eating as soon as she would start . I never once looked down at her as she nursed quietly and smiled . In fact , I barely looked at her at all . By the time she was three weeks old the kids and I went to Maine to spend a few weeks with my parents . Instead of it getting better it got worse . I would wake up to my daughter crying and I too would start to cry . Every chance I got behind closed doors I cried . I called my husband every day and begged him to come pick me up and bring me home . But he refused . He told me to stick it out and he would be there soon , but I had to stay there . He was not coming . By the time he got there when I would hold my daughter it wasn 't even a real hold . It was almost as if I was waiting for someone or something to just float her out of my arms and away from me . We returned to Connecticut a few days later and my husband was back at work . I was for the first time , alone with both children all day . I cried . . . . . all day , and the next day , and the next day , and every day following for 4 months . My midwife told me it was postpartum depression but not to the point where I needed to be put on medication . Instead she told me to start taking my Omega - 3 's . I call them happy fats . All I wanted was for someone to make me stop resenting my daughter . It was a nightmare . Every day was filled with hate and discontent . So I started taking my happy fats and working out . 3 more months went by . Over that time I could feel the clouds lift a little more each day until the day I went to get my daughter out of her crib and looked to down and saw an angel . It almost felt like over night my life had meaning again . For the first time since my daughter was first put into my arms I smiled at her . But then came the guilt . I hadn 't been nearly as attentive as I should have been . I had actually wanted this tiny person to go away every day for nine whole months . I hadn 't spent the time with her to help her sit up or roll over . I had stopped breast feeding when she was 5 months old mainly because I didn 't want her close to me anymore . But here she was that cold winters morning like a ray of sunshine . Since that day I can 't help but look at my daughter in amazement . Somehow she lived through all that . I can never get those first 9 months of her life back to do over again , but I can hold her close now and be there for the rest of her life . She is beautiful . I work in the Veterans Services Office at the college I go to . It pays like shit ( $ 8 . 25 / hr ) and it 's only 25 hours a week , but it gives me a chance to reach out to my fellow US Military Veterans and give them support and a place to be themselves . It also gives me a chance to be part of the Veterans Club and reach out to other veterans not at the college . We recently had a magazine drive for the local Veterans Hospital and made it into the school president 's newsletter . It 's small thing , but it 's a big deal to me knowing that the little things I do and the shitty pay I get for doing them are all worth it in the end . Here is the article that was in the news letter . I woke up an hour late this morning and didn 't even have time to make a full pot of coffee . Because I decided to partake in some finer things in life last night I didn 't make the kid 's lunches before I went to bed , or mine for that matter . When I woke up I rolled over to find my 3yr old son 's head just peaking over the top of the quilt and the big sun starting to peak over the trees . The sun should NOT be peaking over the trees at 5am ! WTF is going on ? I look at my phone and my alarm is silently buzzing away on the night stand . It has been for the past hour ! I shot out of bed and proceeded to start a crazy morning that was no where near promising to be a good one . I 'm not sure how I did it , but I somehow managed to get all the lunches packed , one cup of coffee made ( it tasted horrible ) , the kids dressed and fed , out the door . . . . . . . 3 minutes early ! I was , however , still a bit frazzled on the drive to the daycare / preschool . We had the radio on as usual mindlessly listen to the morning djs . Today they were talking about things you would never do for the sake of your job . After 7 1 / 2 years in the military and working with vets on a daily basis now , there were many things that popped into my head that a soldier / airman / sailor would do that others wouldn 't . This covered everything from taking a bullet to streaking . My mind was totally off in another world remember my days in the Coast Guard . My daydream was suddenly interupted by that little 3yr old whos head had been peaking out from under the quilt this morning . " Mommy , I would NEVER jump out of a space ship ! " I couldn 't help but laugh even though he was so serious . " I think that 's a great idea Theo . " was my response . " I know mommy . " he said so matter - of - factly . And continued to nod his little head as he looked out the car window . In my house , aside from 2 devil possessed children , there are 4 fantastically furry cats . The two oldest are brother and sister , and I regret to say that they managed to have a litter together before they could get fixed . But that 's totally normal in the animal kingdom right ? Right ? Any who , the other two are mother and son . The mother came to us as a knocked up alley cat . Her name , Putana . It 's Greek for slut . Perfect . After Putana came into the house and decided to give birth under my couch my oldest female decided that was the perfect time to start peeing …… on everything . She pees on toys , dishes , backpacks , bathmats , blankets , clean clothes , dirty clothes …… . . me . You name it , she has peed on it . I was dealing ok with it until she peed on my last week . I heard scratching in the kids playroom so I poked my head in to see what was going on . There she was with her furry butt in the box of Thomas the Train toys . I flew across the room and snatched her up ! Did you know that cats , much like infants , don 't stop peeing when you pick them up ? Neither did I . I looked down and saw yellow cat pee running down my leg onto my foot ( so glad I don 't wear shoes in the house ) . We zip through the toy room , through the kitchen , down the hallway , and into the laundry room where the cat box is . She was done by the time we got there , and there was a nice long stream following us through all the rooms . After the shock of being peed on wore off and a shower was had , it was time for bed . All minions were tucked in for the night and I was on my way there . I snuggle down into the middle of my bed , surrounded by big fluffy pillows and drift off to dream land …… or so I thought . " Mommy . Mommy . Mommy ……… . I has to pee . " says a little voice from next to the night stand . I reluctantly roll out of bed and pick my son up . " You have to pee ? " " Yup . " " Ok . " And down the stairs we head . Half way down I feel my side get really warm . Really really warm . " Theo ? Did you just pee on me ? " " Uh huh . " Awesome . Did you know that 3 year olds , much like cats , don 't stop peeing on you even after you ask them about it ? Neither did I . Twice , twice in less than 6 hours . By two different beings . By two different species even . Just my luck . I am officially done with pee and taking applications for volunteers who would like to get peed on . Pheobe starts potty training in less than a year so if this position can be filled by then it would be great . Thanks . It 's Friday , what better thing for a family of 4 to do than to go get ice cream ? So that 's just what we did ! Huge heaping servings of chocolate , soft serve vanilla , coconut , and heath bar were served up in cones and dishes . I am the mom , I got a cone because I have good positive control ! Right ? Five minutes into our ice cream feast Theo looks up at me with those panicked eyes that I know too well . " I have to poop ! " Loud and proud in the middle of the ice cream shop . We hurry off to the bathroom , and close the door behind us . Once the door is closed and I see Theo standing there with a look of distress in his eyes with his pants around his ankles … . standing next to a toilet that looks 3 feet high . I move forward to help and it dawns on me that I am holding my double decker coconut and heath bar cone in my hand . Now what ? Seriously ? Am I really stuck in here in this dilemma ? I lift him up with my left hand and stand there wondering if it is acceptable to eat my cone while waiting for my son to finish pooping . I lick … . . I sniff … . . not a good idea ! " I 'm done ! " Great ! Record time ! I go to grab the toilet paper ( ice cream still in hand ) . No tp on the little roll . No tp on the left large roll . No tp on the right large roll . No tp on the back of the toilet ! Are you serious ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! What to do . Poop in the 3yr old 's butt and an ice cream in hand . I 'm Totally going to be busted publicy for eating in the bathroom ! I then slink out with my cone behind my back and a 3yr old still sitting on the toilet ( confused at this point ) . I quietly ask for a roll of tp and slink my way back into the bathroom , ice cream still in hand . Once behind closed doors i can breath a sigh of relief . I then begin to pull the wrapper off the tp . Not working with ice cream in hand . I then start looking for some kind of magic ice cream cone holder as if all ice cream shops would run into this problem with their patrons . Nothing . I look at the electric hand drier . No . I look at the sink . No . I look at the tp holder . Eww , no . I am then left with no choice but to slink out again with ice cream in hand . I go up to my husband and ask him to hold my cone , knowing it will not be anywhere close to it 's original state when I come out of the bathroom for good in another 2 minutes . Back in to the bathroom again . I help my son wipe his butt ( the high light of all my days ) and then go to flush the toilet . I look down and notice the poop is dangerously close to the front of the water . I cross my fingers and flush . The poop sits there like concrete in a wind storm . I go to flush again . Damn water saving toilets ! ! ! ! ! Why do you not fill up quickly ? ! ? ! ? ! I wait 30 seconds and try to flush again . Nothing . Meanwhile my son is getting fidgety and wants to know why he can 't continue to enjoy his chocolate goodness waiting for him at the table . " Wait a minute Theo , Mommy is trying to fix the toilet . " " Fix the toilet ? " " Yes . " " My poop broke the toilet ? " " Yes . " A look of shock . I try to flush again . I give up ! If we 're in there any longer people are going to start to wonder . I go back out to the counter and hand them the bathroom key . I look to the floor and say , " My son clogged the toilet with his poop . Sorry . " and walked away . The 3 teenagers behind the counter giggle and start to color on a piece of paper . All the giggling and scribbling produced an " Out Of Order " sign for the bathroom door . I try to explain to them that really all they have to do is try to flush it again . As if a 17 year old wants to hear that ! " It 's ok , we 'll just leave the sign up . " When the kids and I walk the dog , my son likes to hold the leash and run up and down the sidewalk with the dog dragging behind him . After about 5 minutes of this the other day he ran up to me and handed me the leash . Confused , but relieved for the dog , I took over and resumed walking . Then there was a little panicked little voice behind me that piped up , " I have to pee ! " I turned around just in time to see my son standing in the grass between the sidewalk and the road with his pants down around his knees . Facing the road . Ready to pee . Just like the dog . My house only has one air conditioned room , the living room . This leaves the rest of the house to feel like the face of the sun , HOT ! Needless to say all things that breath congregate in the living room ( dubbed the Awesome Room ) as much as possible . Because of the fact that there is limited space in the " Awesome Room " we try to keep the majority of the kid 's toys on the face of the sun . Last night my son decided that he wanted to play with his trains in the " Awesome Room " . When asked if he could play with them I said yes he could . I then noticed that he wanted to play with ALL his trains ( there are upward of 50 or so ) . I stopped him before he could maneuver the large box of trains from the playroom to the living room . " You can play with your trains , but you can 't bring the box into the living room . " Those are the words that were formed in my brain and came out of my mouth . " Ok Mommy . " Followed by a huge grin . Two minutes later I hear what sounds like a waterfall of trains . I turn to look toward the doorway of the living room and see all the trains dumped over the threshold and onto the living room carpet . The box was still out in the hallway . We have been dog sitting a little white rat dog for almost a week . Let it been known well in advance that I do NOT like dogs ! Clarification , I like other peoples dogs that only bother you for a few minutes and then leave . I dislike having a dog in my own home that I have to take care of . Night 1 consisted of the boob licking dog getting her nick name , The Boob Licking Dog . We were warned that she would not do well in her crate in a new home and that it was " ok " to bring her to bed with us . As soon as this rat dog was in my bed she starting licking my boobs . I tried everything , I pulled the covers up , I put a shirt on , I put her on the floor . And she STILL found a way to get to my boobs ! This dog has continued to be a thorn in my side sense that night . Every night I have had to get up with both the kids AND this damn dog due to bodily functions ! In short from 1 : 30am to 4 : 30am I am dealing with some sort of bodily fluid coming from at least 1 of the 3 . It really is fantastic . The second day here the boob licking dog nipped at my son while they were playing . My husband , in his booming New Yorker voice , scolded the dog and smacked it on the toosh . The dog will no longer go near my husband . This leaves the damn thing attached to me for even longer periods of time . The dinner plates were on the table and my son was ready and waiting to start eating . His smile was so big as I set the plates of food on the table , he looked so happy to " finally " be able to eat ! I smiled back at him and then turned to head back in the kitchen for the silver wear . When I returned the summer squash from my son 's plate was gone , and a satisfied look was on his face . I couldn 't control myself , " Theo , you ate all your summer squash ! " I look at the donor 's plate . . . . . . . there on top of his summer squash were three pieces with finger prints in them . My son 's eyebrows then went up . Evidently my son 's belly has a direct path to the donor 's plate . Sneaky little bastard . The other day I looked at my son who wasa pulling on his penis . When I asked him if he had to pee he said no , and walked away . He came back into the room 5 minutes later doing the same thing . " Theo , do you have to pee ? " " No Mommy . " And off he went again only to return in another 5 minutes . This time his penis was hanging out over the top of his pants . " Theo , what are you doing ? " " My penis was hiding . " " Hiding ? " " Yes , in my pants . " " What is it doing now ? " He looks down . " Nothing , " and walks away . A few days later my son kept running into the kitchen with his penis hanging out over his pants yelling , " PENIS " while shaking it around . My conclusion , he penis was done hiding and wanted to play peek a boo . I asked no questions that day , instead I pretended to act suprised everytime he came around the corner yelling " PENIS ! " I have been planning a birthday party for my husband for the past month . Well it 's not really a " birthday " party so much as a " last day of your 20 's " party . He had told me that he didn 't want a party for his 30th because it was depressing ( he 's a little broken up about having to ' grow up ' ) . The party was originally a suprise party . I was doing so well with it too . I had sent out event invitations on Facebook , covertly contacted non - Facebook users , and researched his present without his knowing . I had even organized it so there would be a roast in his honor . We were all going to raise our whiskey shot glasses and insult him until he cried from laughing so hard . Beer Pong Tournament with prizes along with a fun game of Pin the Goatee on Mike . Hot damn this was going to be a good time ! I don 't think I ever mentioned that Mike is from Staten Island , NY . He 's a New Yorker through and through with his top life ideals being " Lie , Cheat , and Steal " . He 's that guy who can argue himself out of a paper bag and then win you over so that you 'll want to buy him a drink afterwards . He 's also the master of deception . This is how his birthday party became unsuprising . I was aproached , well cornered , in the bathroom by Mike while I was giving the other kids a bath . He had talked to his mother earlier that day and she wanted to know what was going on this weekend . He was playing it up like she had spilled the beans about the party , complete with her backtracking . I couldn 't believe that she had done that , I was pissed ! Now i know that my husband 's family doesn 't always like the things I do , but I couldn 't figure out why she would spill the beans about the party . Come to find out , she never knew . . . . I 'm just married to the sneakiest bastard alive ! He now knew , this could only mean one thing . . . . nothing was going to go as planned . Mike needs everything the way he wants it . The plan was a BBQ with games and keeping everyone outside so that he would have a place to escape to . . . inside . He is always saying that he is ok with having people over as long as he has a place to escape to so he would prefer that they were outside . For the 24 hours after he found out about the party he was beyond excited that I had put in so much thought into his birthday . He was posting it all over Facebook and all smiles when I saw him . He was walking on cloud 9 . . . . . . . . until he got into his head that he wanted to watch the UFC Pay - Per - View . It all went downhill from there . Suddenly I was in the wrong for ever thinking that a suprise party would be good for him . Not only that , but a suprise party full of people he didn 't really know ( I invited mutual friends and people he worked with , that he knows ) . He was also mad because I didn 't give him a place to escape to . His logic was that ordering the pay - per - view gave him the option to come inside . . . . inside his own house . . . . because he needs a reason to come in . Another arguement was that he didn 't want something that revolved around him . One of my main reasons for not wanting to order the PPV , my parents were going to be in town . . . . they sleep in the living room . . . . where the TV is . . . . . the TV that we watch PPV 's on . I had expressed that it wasn 't fair to them if we are watching TV while they are trying to sleep . We don 't have a guest room and because of my father 's weight having him walk down the wood stairs in the middle of the night to use the bathroom is not fair . These arguements . . . . . were treated as null and void . After hours of banging heads about the subject I canceled the bbq I had planned and let him take the reigns . He ended up ordering the PPV and planning a bbq . I was talked in to beliving that I was the one in the wrong for ever planning a party for him that he didn 't have control over . We currently have a house full of people in our livingroom . . . . . not outside . . . . . he has no escape . . . . . . yes , this is my husband in a nutshell . I am a Mom . I have been for 3 1 / 2 years and there 's no way of getting around it . I have a feeling this crazy thing called motherhood is going to continue right through to the end . Oh the stories I 'll have by then ! First up is Theo , my little man . He 's 3 1 / 2 and recently discovered his attitude . I 'm not really sure who told him he was allowed to have one , but when I asked him if he had permission he told me flat out , " Yes Mommy . " The conversation ended there , he has permission , Mommy has been overruled . Next up is Pheobe , aka The Devil Wears Pigtales . She 's one and didn 't think it was fair that her brother got to have an attitude and she didn 't . . . . . she now has an attitude that trumps Theo 's . I tried to bring up the attitude in conversation with her one day , she looked at me and spit out a Cheerio . And so ended that conversation . Good talk little girl , good talk . The final part to this equation is Mike , my oldest . He 's going to be 30 on Sunday , he 's also my husband . His therapist and his sister ( who is also a therapist ) both say that he is mentally stuck at about 15 years old . This is why I feel it only fair that I add him into the child line up . I 'm guessing my need to marry a " 15 year old " comes from a lack of " serious " relationships in high school . Now if only he would take me to the prom . My friends , family , and my own therapist say that you can 't make up half the stuff that happens in my house . This blog is to share with the rest of you my crazy life . You 'll hear it all from Pheobe trying to fill all the tupperwear with poop to Theo telling me that he 's " got this one " when Pheobe is screaming . For all you Mom 's out there that need a little help remembering that life really is commical , this blog 's for you ! |
I had a lot of interruptions yesterday so didn 't get to write all that was in my heart . One thing I want to say here is this . Ya know it took me 12 years of prayin ' to see my family come into order . But it won 't take you all that long . See , Jill and Dixie and I , and some of the others , found our truth as we went along . But we were trailblazers . And so are many of you ! But with my knowledge of the Word and some others - and with what God does for you personally that I don 't know about - you will get a healed family in a lot less time . See , many came after Edison and improved the light bulb . They took his experiences and added them to what they knew and then perfected the harnessing of electricity . I don 't think Edison could have ever even dreamed up a computer … yet still he had a part in it . I remember when I first got my e - machine and was writing to New Zealand and Australia - wow ! I could hardly believe that all I had to do to shoot a message all the way to the other side of the earth was to punch a button . How unreal is that ! And how many minds made the computer ? It was many people adding knowledge and wisdom to knowledge and wisdom . But Ladies , use up what I know and add it to what you know and increase in more and more power and understanding . And you know what ? Your testimonies will far outreach mine . I will be forgotten someday . But some of you will shine like stars . I am a forerunner because I don 't listen to the world . Hey . Hey ? ? ? ? Do I have your attention ? The world and its folks don 't know how to stay out of a divorce ! They don 't know how to pray a wayward husband home . Take a dang shortcut and quit listening to the world . They are here to crucify you , but , Girlfriend , if you can live long enough , you will be able to turn around and save their life . I mean many years ago , Jim was my enemy and an enemy of Jesus Christ . But I loved him and didn 't give up on him . And do you know how you got to know me ? You got to know me because my husband supported me so that I could go to the world with a message that Jesus can heal your marriage . Jim became my power to the world to shout the Victory . The man that nearly killed me with heartache has become the hope to many other families . It is no secret what God can do . What He has done for others , He will do for you . The husband who deserted me and sinned against me one day gathered me up in his arms and said , " I am so sorry . " And he lived long enough to give me a place of stability to shout this Victory to the mountaintops , " Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted and to set the captive free . " Ya know bless Jill 's heart . She would come to my house as I wouldn 't eat for such sorrow of heart . And she would all but feed me . I always tell her that she was the reason I am fat today . But I would not eat days on end . The deep sorrow I felt was killing me . I was 5 feet 8 inches tall and was lucky to weigh 100 pounds . Often I lost weight and got to 95 pounds . I just wept and prayed all the time . But God delivered Jim and He delivered me ! And I have told God that I have needed an eternity to praise Him for just this alone . He saved my Johnny Paul in 7 years . And YEEEOOOWWW look out devil , I see Mary Elisabeth comin ' down the pike with victory in her wings ! It 's shoutin ' time in heaven ! Oh , yes , its shoutin ' time ! I am pullin ' glory out of heaven and makin ' a place for it on the earth . I am binding the evil on earth and the Lord is breakin ' heaven loose for me . Praise Jesus ! Its shoutin ' time . Ya know Wild Man would go to the mountains to hide out when he would hit the road . And Mama was at home moving mountains with her faith . I was speaking to mountains to be cast into the sea . Must have made it hard on a wayward husband who was tryin ' to hide out in the mountains that wouldn 't stand still . Then Papa got saved and never again saw the mountains . We were gonna go there so he could show them to me . But we never went . Maybe someday I will go alone but I doubt it . Oh , how I loved that man . And soon it will be Thanksgiving ! I can feel the earth fairly shake as I know all of my seeds are coming home . Christian Joy and her husband are traveling by car from NYC . Hungry hearts longing to see their loved ones again . John and his darling wife Christine and son Romeo will be coming Wednesday night from Missouri . Jimmy and his wife Aleksondra and their little baby girl will come from Illinois and get here Wednesday night . David lives near here and his family will come with the new grandson , Papa 's namesake . And Mary will come , too . Dan will be the only one not coming and he will come for Christmas . Aleks called a few days ago and she said Jimmy wanted me to make bread for Thanksgiving . She said he missed my homemade bread . I haven 't made it since Jim died . I have never made bread for anyone but Papa . I even made it for him when he was gone , believing God he would be home to eat it . I can 't imagine making bread that Papa won 't eat . And yet Papa sends me his love from heaven , always encouraging me . I know he wants only what is best for me and our children . I know he wants me to make that bread with as much love as ever . Papa only wanted the best for me after he was saved . He spent the rest of his life trying to make me happy . I am always at peace knowing how much he loved me and honored me . He loved our children and grandchildren . Always wanted what was best for us . He had a heart of compassion for us . His greatest grief was that he couldn 't do more for us . But I was satisfied and happy with whatever he gave us . I followed this man wherever he went from the time I was 19 years old . And when he did leave me for the final time and went to heaven , I knew where he was and I never feel I am without him . I have never grieved as others grieve for lost loved ones . I just know where Papa is and I know I will see him again . When you are as close as Jim and I have been , you just always know where the other one is . That comes as you go through the pit of hell and come out on the other end . Then the Lord gives you a heaven on earth . And then Jim 's body wore out and he had to leave for heaven . I know he couldn 't help it . It was his time to exit and he went in peace and love . I accepted it and let him go . I submitted to him … finally I submitted to him . Before that , I wouldn 't let him go . And we argued about it . He said a few weeks before he died , " Connie , it is my heart . I am dying . " I screamed , " No , you aren 't ! " I wouldn 't let him go . But when Papa knew the time was right , he went on ahead to heaven . I submitted to it . And I felt such a peace . I was able to minister to the children as they all 6 wept and cried out for him . The grief was controlled and peaceful . The minister there said he had never seen such love in a family . If only he knew that all of the love he saw came through years of prayers and intercessions . Ya know when I was a young Mom , I used to stay home and pray when friends wanted me to go here and there . My one neighbor used to say to me , " Well , all you do is stay in that house and read your Bible and pray . " And ya know back then in the 70s , my life wasn 't at all like everyone else 's . I was alone raising my children . I went to church and most of the people there were in families . You didn 't see a bunch of singles like you do now in church . The churches were made up of families . I used to sit in church and cry , wondering what I had done to deserve such a fate . But God had His hand on me . And now , 40 years later , I look at society and I see many Connie and Jims . Who would have ever thought society could have gotten that bad ? The strong Christian families seem to have faded into the background and the hurting families have become the majority . Yes , Jill was raising her family alone , and a few others . But very few ! What I am trying to say is Jill and I didn 't know of some woman who had gone through what we were going through and had came out on the other end . They weren 't around . I think this is why it took me 12 years to get through it all . My pastor , bless his heart , would tell me , " Connie , take off your rose colored glasses . Jim will never straighten up . " I mean the majority around me thought I was not playin ' with a full deck . But what was going on is this . I heard a new song . I saw a new vision . My faith was not of this world . I ran to a different beat of a drum . God put a stronghold of faith in me that wanted to live and breathe and have its being in God . Oh , Satan tried to kill my faith . He proved to me again and again , " This is not working . You are a fool to keep going with waiting for Jim to change . " At one point just before Jim was saved , healed and delivered , I had almost given up . But a flicker of hope like a dying fire still remained in my heart . I thought , " Well , what if God 's Word is true ? What if I have come this far to give up just before the miracle ? " And it so happened that my miracle did come right at the midnight hour . But , Wives and Mothers , I am tellin ' you what . You can 't keep bouncing off what your relatives or your neighbors tell ya . You can 't bounce off how old you are or how young . You can 't bounce off the world 's system of things . I am here to tell you this . " You have to see victory in your heart . Ya gotta see it to believe it ! " You gotta get a vision . You gotta get a new walk and talk . Change your name if ya have to . This is why I started to call Luanne " Annie . " I wanted to see her with an attitude . I wanted to see her like Annie Oakley lassoing her problems . We need to give that devil some problems . But we can 't do it by listening to the voice of reason or common sense . The Bible calls the preaching of the Word foolishness to those who don 't believe . Anyone in the Word of God that had Vision didn 't have anything to do with the give and take of this world . This world has a law called gravity , and it has the law of sin and death . Its cause and effect . But we as women of God are set free of the laws of sin and death . Nehemiah had a vision to build the walls back up for his fellow Jews . Oh , the world scoffed and laughed their heads off at him and his poor and miserable relatives . But he kept his mind upon building his house . He believed in the impossible . God had built a stronghold of faith in him and he followed the Lord . Nehemiah was a man of vision and purpose . He heard a bell ring that no one else heard . He saw something no one else saw . He felt a faith that no one else understood . And this made him a leader for God . He was a trailblazer , a dreamer , a seer , a visionary . And so were the others written in the Word of God . David wouldn 't bow to an idol as he was not living in this present world . He was set apart unto God . He had never followed the world . He was a man after God 's heart . Do you want to be something for God and a headache for Satan ? Then take your rotten circumstances and throw them in the garbage and walk out your faith . Call yourself a visionary , a dreamer that can dream her way out of the hell and into the land of Promise . Inventors who established our country were like this . They invented things like the light bulb and the telephone . Electricity was always here from the beginning of time . But it took Thomas Edison who had a dream to learn how to harness it . Your miracle , like the electricity , is in the earth now . Our prayers are answered now . But we have to bring them to us . We bring them by a power called faith . We walk out the miracle as we plan for it to come . We clean out our cupboards to receive the food we need . We make a feast to feed a husband who has promised to never come home . We wear a maternity dress when we are called barren . We speak our miracle and plan our life around our miracle . We don 't plan our life around the world and its ideas . We hear a distant voice of Victory calling us . We hear the chariots of fire in the heavenlies . We see warring angels fighting our battles for us . We dream dreams and we walk out visions . The world calls us crazy and we please the Lord as only He calls us to do . To walk by faith , as only faith pleases God . Live out your visions and ring victory bells until Satan screeeeeeams , " Stop ! I give up ! " Don 't listen to this world . Don 't listen to the voice of the unbelievers . Anything we ask in Jesus ' name we can receive . Loose heaven with your prayers and bind the satanic things of earth . Nothing is impossible to us as we walk in Him . Covenant keepers are precious to God and He wants to bless them . It 's the time , too , for Covenant Keepers to be blessed . That is a word of prophesy . I am very interrupted this morning . But one other thing I want to say is this . Edison was partly deaf and he said he was glad as he could stay focused better on his work . And we need to come away from the world and be deaf to it . Walk out your faith . Call things that are not as if they were . ( Mark 11 : 23 - 24 ) This morning I was watchin ' TV . And I got in on the end of a message by Bishop Eddie Long . And he was talkin ' about how some folks want to give God their money , thinking that this will pay for their sins . They are in sin and so they give a big amount of money and this soothes their conscience . And when he got ready to say that , my ears just perked up because most TV preachers want money at any cost . They wouldn 't care if it was from a pimp . Anyway , the Bishop said the alter is a place to burn the flesh . As in the Old Testament they burned the sacrificial animals . And this was a picture of the true Lamb of God in the future - Jesus - as He gave His life for our sins . And the Bishop said , " God wants your life and not your money . " And when he said that , I tell you , the Holy Ghost snapped in me and I shouted , " That 's Revival . That 's Revival ! " It was like I saw the first spark of revival in our country . Boy , that took a lot for that preacher to say that . And it hit me like a rock in the chest . I felt like I had seen the birth of revival . PTL . We live in the worst of times and best of times . And God is preparing many of you on this group to see signs and wonders and to shout the victory in God . Give Him your life and let His Word be your authority . Where sin abounds , grace much more abounds . Ya know since Monday , I hadn 't been able to find Mary , our daughter ( 21 ) . I knew she had moved out of where her and this guy was . But where she was , I didn 't know . Her cell phone was broke and I couldn 't reach her . I had barely slept at night . And yesterday I just told God , " Get Yourself another patsy - I am done . " I told God I didn 't even love Him . I have not denied the Lord since I was first married . I never thought in a million years I would ever deny the Lord like that again . But I meant it . I was out of patience and time and I didn 't care if God blew me up where I stood . In the afternoon the baby took her nap and Olivia , now 5 , was in school . I sat down and prayed . I kept seeing the angels about me . And God told me that if I would get up again , one more time , I would see His glory . I didn 't want to get back up but I could see I would probably go to hell if I didn 't , and I just decided to get up one more time and believe God . And right when I said to God , " I believe You for a miracle " Mary called me on the phone . It was just as though by my prayers I translated her through my phone . She says , " Well , Mom , I got to thinkin ' that you couldn 't get ahold of me . " She is very shattered yet and so I don 't yell at her even if I want to . Also yesterday Jill sent me an email telling me not to deny the Lord in a spiritual storm . She didn 't know the circumstances . She is just a prophetess ? Then last night , the devil came in for another fight with me . Well , the Lord is winning that battle , too . And now I have a steel pole of ornery down inside my being like a steel tree trunk growin ' through me . I prayed half the night last night and it was wonderful . The Counselor came to me and made things clear to me . After Mary called , I was happy for a bit but as the evening wore on , the devil had come back to torment me . To make a looong story short , the issue with me is the Marriage Covenant . I didn 't know this was my problem - I just thought I lacked in faith power and this is why my prayers were not answered for Mary and Brandon . I know that I have such a strong calling of God upon my life and that Satan is trying to hammer it out of me ? If the coming glory in my teachings gives me double for all of my suffering , then world watch out ! I mean I am no novice in the things of God , and I don 't mind telling you I have suffered like a dog for the past seven months . I have been almost tormented to death . I lay in bed and pray I won 't have a heart attack and die . I have not suffered like this since Jim and I were separated . God told me last night that many of the elect of God would be deceived in these later days . Satan has tried to rip out of me that Marriage Covenant . Satan wants for me to quit teaching this . There is so much power in the marriage covenant . This covenant kept me through many years of a horrible marriage . Satan gave me 12 years of hell and God gave me double blessings for my trouble in the final 26 years of marriage . See we had a couple years in the beginning of our marriage that was livable . So it all adds up to 40 years of marriage . But I am tellin ' you all who are in a covenant marriage to hold on and you will see His glory . You know we have to fight for TRUTH . And God 's Word says , " What God has joined together let no man separate . " Yes , we can divorce because of adultery . But Jesus said that in the beginning it was not so . It is one husband for one wife for life . And Jesus said Moses had to make a law of divorce because of the hardness of men 's hearts . I remember Jill saying years ago , " Connie , I don 't want God to give up on me because my heart is hard . " And , no , divorce is not the unpardonable sin . Stay where you are in your marriage . As Aunt Toot always says concerning marriages with his mine and ours , " You can 't unscramble eggs . " Stay married and let God bless you . But I do believe that God will do a work in a covenant marriage that He can 't do anywhere else . And as I have said before , MaryL has been my mentor for years . And she divorced and remarried and even teaches it . I know I keep her tied down and she keeps me from being too dogmatic . I mean that woman could pray a strong wind in the other direction . She gets more of her prayers answered than I do and all of her 5 children are saved . So I know God can bless a second marriage . But I will say that a woman who stays in a Covenant Marriage and is committed no matter what is gonna have a TRUTH on her that will help her to discern her way in this day of confusion . There is a special anointing on a one husband one wife marriage . I have seen it again and again . It isn 't anything this world could explain . And ya know the devil would love for me to remarry . To put Jim 's picture away and marry someone else . And as the years would go on , I would forget what God did for me and so would my kids . But I have a story of a miracle . My husband was the worst man . I am tellin ' you the truth . The prison guards promised me he would never be anything but a criminal . Jim was demon possessed . At a trial I had to go to , I gave our story and it ended up in a local newspaper . And now God uses me to tell what happened to that man who was so lost and confused . And that by a miracle God delivered him . And we had 6 children , all of which I am proud of . And , yes , Mary has some problems . But I have the rest of my life to pray for her and she will always be top priority . Not because I think it is a good idea to give her top priority . But because I know who I am as Mother , and I don 't give up on my babies . I will compromise with her and like her Baboon . I may have to eat Thanksgiving dinner with him . Imagine eating a Thanksgiving turkey with a real turkey ? But I am gonna smile real big ' cause I know the end of the story . But one thing is true - Mary can 't be God in my life . And she will get all that I have but she won 't get me to agree on a divorce to Brandon . This is where the rubber hits the road . This is where the grinding grit is . And Mary may be stubborn and stay with Baboon . And if she does , then I will have to smile and go on . But I will not bow to this world and its idols . I have already been thrown in the fiery furnace so I know the Lord will get me out . As for me , I must go with the Marriage Covenant , and not give up . It 's in me like a brand on my heart and soul . It is as a scar like the scars in Jesus ' hands . I learned much about Jesus as I suffered for many years for righteousness sake . The devil tries to use Mary , my dear baby , to slay me . To stop my writings and to stop any effect I would have upon Christendom . Satan picked the right child to do it , too . Satan couldn 't have set a better stage . But Jesus Christ can set a better one . The Bible calls adultery idolatry or a deception . In this age we need Truth so much . I was watching a show on TV last evening . It was Christian TV for teenagers . Man , it was good ! The preacher was young and he said , " Life is war . " And he was saying that the young people need to be Revolutionists . Well , yeah ! I mean these kids were hot ? I mean I can tell that these new kids coming up are lookin ' for the Truth . Ya know my son Jimmy was in the Navy . He went in at 18 and then I still had two teens in the house and three little ones under the age of 5 years old . Jimmy was an American spy . He was a part of a flight crew that flew over enemy territory and Jimmy had to read the computers and tell if there were any bombs in the area . To make a a long story short , we never knew where he was in the world as he couldn 't tell us . But often he came home on leave and we wouldn 't know when he was coming . Along towards evening , he would give us a surprise phone call from the airport . And then Wild Man would go pick him up . One time the house was in a worst shambles then usual . I was about to cry , as I knew Jimmy and Jim would be back form the airport in about an hour . I called MaryL , my mentor . She said , " Connie , just make a nice meal and make sure you have it done by the time they get there . " Well , I hurried off the phone and got to cookin ' . After I started a nice meal , I began to clean the living room and the children helped me . I was able to welcome our son and have a nice family dinner made for him . I can 't remember what I fixed . But when he was on leave , I would often invite family friends and neighbors over to visit Jimmy . Two standard cakes I made were icebox cakes . Then we would have ice cream and soda or juice for the kids and coffee for the adults . The two cakes were very simple to make in two 9 by 13 cake pans . One was a chocolate cake mix and the other a yellow cake mix . After they were baked , I would put a chocolate pudding mix spread over the top . And the yellow cake , after it was baked , I put a vanilla pudding mix over it . Then I kept them in the fridge or covered on the front porch to stay cool . These cakes were simple to make - I never ran out of cake . I would always have the children sit in the living room around the coffee table and the older folks sat where they pleased , usually at the family table . The children knew the adults were to be respected and they could sit where they wanted . Even though Jimmy was the Master of Ceremonies , he sat in the living room on the couch , balancing his paper plate on his knees . Our old milkman would yell in Jimmy 's ear , " So how is the United States Navy ? " Dick , our milkman , just died recently at 86 years old . He was at Jim 's funeral . But he was hard of hearing and always yelled . He had delivered milk and butter to us since 1973 . He stopped in about 1997 . He was a good Christian man . Our family will never forget him . He always knocked at the door and came on in . " ANYBODY HOME ? " Jim could have popped him a good one many times but , thank God , he never did . Dick came when he pleased when he was goin ' by the area . He would switch us around and come even at night after the kids were in bed . The house would be asleep and here comes Dick , yellin ' " Anybody home ? " I would ask Dick quietly if he could come in the daytime when everyone wasn 't asleep . But he said he had to come when he was driving by . Oh , what a character . Of course , the kids loved him and when they heard him come , they would jump out of bed and run to see him . Dick also raised goats and would drive around with a big goat hangin ' out the back car window . The kids loved that and would run to pet the goat . I wanted a goat , too , for the back yard but Jim said " Absolutely not ! " But our Dick started out delivering milk in about the 1940s and used a horse and cart . Dick would come in and ask if he could use the bathroom and , as he ran by , I would ask him if he wanted a cup of coffee . Jim would motion with his eyes to me that he was not in the mood to entertain the milkman . Our lives were so ridiculous ! Sometimes Jim would visit with Dick . The conversation was always … well , I would excuse myself and leave the room . But ya know when you are having guests with a big family , it can get crazy . But like MaryL has always told me , " Connie , folks notice if you make them feel ' Welcome ' and if you have a nice meal ready . " And this is so true . I mean , yes , keep the house clean but mainly make sure you welcome your guests and have the coffee on and a snack - especially if your guests have been traveling for a long time to get there . I am such a feather brain and what you see is basically what you get here . Like Aunt Toot says , " The coffee will be on and a pile of laundry will be sitting in the chair . " I don 't notice the obvious most of the time . I mean ya gotta live and let live . No one 's house is perfect . But my life as a homemaker usually pivoted from the kitchen . It had to . I didn 't buy a bunch of junk food as I couldn 't afford it . Our kids couldn 't go to the fridge and pick something up to eat unless it was fresh fruit or something . It was a treat for them to have cold cereal . So I had to make three meals a day . I spent most of my time in the kitchen . My kids would vacuum and pick up as they had to . I tried to have the house picked up when I knew Jim would be home from work . And to me , it is so dishonorable for a wife to have company when her husband just arrives home from work . I would tell the children 's friends if they had been there for the afternoon , " Well , the kids ' Daddy will be home in a bit so I will have to send you children home . " And then then our kids would help pick up . Jim wasn 't hard to please as far as my homemaking , so things were far from spotless . But , no , I didn 't expect Jim to come home from work and not be able to even get in the door for the toys . And ya know the children and I had watched TV during the day . And we let Jim watch what he wanted when he got home and we let him rest in his chair for a while and have a cup of coffee . And I would have dinner about ready . But ya know to me that is just common courtesy . If I had to work all day , I would want someone to give me a break when I got home . And I mean , yes , we had emergencies , plenty of ' em . And many times , Jim had to come in the house a - runnin ' . But I did strive to keep the house half way quiet for when he got off work . I mean as much as possible . No , my house is often stacks of things here and there waiting for me to unstack it . But the main order in the family is contentment and harmony . Make a happy nest for the family , dear Mothers , and let the rest of it all fall into place . Always put husband first . He is not Mama 's helper . Teach the children to honor Daddy and he will teach them to honor you . Wednesday , November 15th , 2006 Oh , mercy ! I have wanted some high top black Converse tennis shoes to wear with long cotton skirts for this winter . Christian Joy called me yesterday and told me she had bought me some and was bringing them with her when they come for Thanksgiving . I said , " Oh , you found some . " Chrissy says , " Mom , New Yorkers wear these shoes with everything . You can buy them about anywhere in NYC . " Well , I can 't wait to get mine . I don 't shop . And if I can 't find them at the Salvation Army , then in my world no one sells ' em . I am so glad Sissy Joy is bringin ' me some high tops . PTL . My 84 - year - old mother will have a fit . And as soon as she can , she will go out and buy me a pair of white tennis shoes that everyone wore in the 60s . Mom is still trying to guide me in my styles . My aunt Lucille used to have such a fit over me . If all the relatives were gathered at a holiday meal , someone would say , " Connie , I love your outfit . " I would turn around and say , " Got it for 25 cents at the close out sale at the Salvation Army . " Oh , my aunt Lucille would just about faint . She would tell me in a whisper , " Connie , you don 't have to tell everyone what something costs . " She would tell me that I should just let people think I am well to do . But I always said that I wanted folks to know that whatever I had was attainable to anyone else . When Christian Joy first went to NYC , she was a waitress for a while and made a lot of money in tips . But later on she decided to get into fashion . She would go to the Salvation Army and buy prom dresses and make other dresses out of them and sell them for a lot of money . One prom dress she made over , she wrote all of her old boyfriends names on the dress with magic marker . Someone bought it and paid a lot for the privilege . Anything original is what New Yorkers want . I pray that Danny stays a long ways from NYC as he is so good looking . Christian Joy says the girls are just wild for him . He has moved to Portland but is real homesick . I see on the callers ID that he called last night after I was in bed . I will call him later on this morning . He had planned to come home for Christmas but knows all the kids will be here for Thanksgiving . I know his hungry heart longs to see his family . He could stay here but he says , " If I lived with you , Mom , you would make me be in by 8 : 00 every night . " Sounds good to me ! Chrissy said Dan called her when he got to Oregon and told her he missed her and Jason . He was hiding in the bathroom to call her . He was talkin ' all sweet and one of the band members came in the bathroom to get something and Dan started talkin ' smack right away . Chrissy and I laughed over that . Christian and her husband Jason will stay here over Thanksgiving . I adore Jason . He is like an angel from heaven for Christian Joy . He is the answer to every mother 's prayers . The last time they were here , he went upstairs and read as many of my Christian books as he could get ahold of . Like I said , Christian Joy accidentally married a Christian . Tell me God don 't answer prayers ? Chrissy had bought the book I wrote but was afraid to read it . I don 't know if she ever read it . But Jason did and liked it . But everyone always said " Christian Joy will have to get outta NYC in order to find a good man and get married . " But ya know Jesus has a good sense of humor . Both Christian and Jason are very much back to the land people . It wouldn 't surprise me a bit if they didn 't move to the wilderness some day . Joy and I have talked about it . Moving to a place and building a cabin where there is no roads or electricity . Jason would be game for that . I had a vision years ago of Joy standing by a wood stove in a cabin in the wilderness . She had long hair again like she did when she was 18 . Oh , what a beauty she was ! She was a model and on a local TV show . It was decent ! From then on , I wanted to put sacks on my children 's heads so no one would see them . Oh , how we long to hold our babies close and never let them go . And , oh mercy ! I am a mother of six children . I always said , " I had six only children . " Each of them was like an only child . Each one so complex and different . Jimmy an artist and has such thirst to learn and have degrees . He is a light designer by trade and still loves to take evening courses and get more degrees . His wife Aleks is studying to be a college English professor . Heck , I can 't even spell professor . But what does it matter ? Then my little pixie , Christian Joy , who has made a name for herself in NYC . A designer , of course - what else , huh ? Johnny is my inventor and artist and musician . Johnny is the type of kid that everyone says is like a late bloomer . We all sense something of greatness in him but we can 't put our finger on it . My dad had this gift , too , and was an inventor . Dad could always see his gift in Johnny . His wife and helper , Christine , sharpens Johnny and organizes his creative mind . David is a thinker and an artist . His drawings are so detailed and have such a message . David is so in love with his family . Danny is a weeping prophet . He will be a preacher someday . He has a strong call of God upon him . He always has had it , even from a child . He is very anointed of God . And then there is Mary . " Oh , Mary , what will God do with you ? " Little bird with two broken wings . Daddy died on one wing of your heart and your own baby died on the other wing . You soak up all of my love . Mother is like the Good Shepherd . While the ninety - nine sheep are all well , Mother seeks the dark forest for the lost lamb . She hears her cry in the night . Can Mother close her ears to her baby 's cry ? Yes , I am thankful for all of my children , but I long so for Mary to be OK . I have to trust the true Shepherd that knows where Mary is . I have looked in the dark forest but I can 't find her . But God knows where she is . He knows . I don 't know . Mary Lehman , the other day , was telling me that I had worried so about John when he was gone , on and off , for seven years . That boy drove me almost nuts . But one day as John was walking around Chicago , a Christian man came up to him and asked him if he knew the Lord . And John rededicated his life to Christ . Then John told a friend about the Lord . And this friend had a demon and it attacked John . And this guy took a broken bottle and almost cut John 's ear off . It had to be sewn back on . John did come back home and reunited with Jim and I . Then he married Christine . John is such a blessing now . And I know I have to trust in the Lord for Mary . John and Mary are a lot alike - both dreamers and visionaries ! But all of our children are individuals and , yes , they will be like us as mothers and as their daddies , too . But they have a part , too , that they have to be themselves . As mothers , we have to let them go and they will fly way above us and our teachings . They have to , as the world will not give them the breaks we have had . Monday , November 13th , 2006 When my children were all home at different ages , I tried to keep one main schedule . This was before I began to homeschool in 1988 . Early in the morning after Jim went to work , I would top clean the living room . I would spend like about 10 minutes in each room , just top cleaning , no vacuuming yet . The last room I would do was the kitchen . I would plan a family meal and start my cooking as I did breakfast dishes and cleaned up the kitchen . I tried to have an idea for a menu for the week . So in the morning I would either make salads or a dessert . Or made bread if I was out . Also I would put something in the oven or crock pot . So I had almost the whole meal cooked by 10 : 00 a . m . for the evening meal . Just refrigerate it or whatever . When Jim was at work at lunchtime , the kids and I would just eat leftovers or sandwiches . But I had a big family meal each day either for lunch or supper . But ya know in the winter , it was nice to bake or cook in the mornings as to warm the house up . And in the summer , the day is cool in the morning and it 's a pleasant time to bake . So around 10 : 00 I would have the supper meal figured out and the house was sort of a mess but at least organized . Then you , as mom and wife , feel happy as you don 't have to think about supper for the rest of the day . Then late morning , you can do more cleaning and do the wash and vacuum . At noon , stop for lunch and then take a nap with the children or just by yourself . It 's a good time to read the Bible and pray . After your nap , you may have a special project to do like a deep cleaning of a room . Try to just go to the store once a week . Plan one day that you just run errands and go to the store , etc . Then you can stay home most of the week . Running about takes a lot of time and energy . I would recommend making out a general idea of menu each week . That way you can plan a simple meal in the crock pot for the days you have to be gone all day . Anyway , after your afternoon break , then you can start straightening the house for the evening meal . And after supper should be a time to be with the family until bedtime . It 's a good time to maybe do your crafts or sewing with the children . You have to feel … well … like anyone , that your day 's work has to end sometime . The evening can be spent reading to the children or playing with Baby . Giving baths and enjoying the children . It 's a time for Mother to relax and to read to the children about the Lord . A time to talk about God and listen to the children 's prayers . A private time for the family with no interruptions from the phone . No late visitors except they be invited and are family friends for the whole family to enjoy . Our children and their friends should be our friends , too . My children loved to see Aunt Toot coming to our house . And , oh , they loved Jill and Dixie and Mary and Russ . I wouldn 't have let anyone in my house that didn 't love my children . Johnny would have been bored to death if he hadn 't had Aunt Toot to tease . He shot her with invisible ink on her new outfit . Oh , he loved to tease her . We set her in a chair that was wood and it collapsed to the floor . Then we said she broke our new chair and she should be ashamed . " I didn 't break it ; I just sat down in it . " We said she must have gained weight . Jim had just gotten the chair at the Salvation Army and it was barely stuck together - no glue . But whatever works , ya know . Aunt Toot was always good for a laugh . She had these food stamps and had to buy a package of gum at each gas station on her journey to my house . This way , she would have the change from a food stamp dollar to buy gas to get here . She must have been desperate for a laugh . Well , my dear David , age 26 , gets out of jail tomorrow . He got picked up for driving without his license about three times . He got 10 days in the county jail . He got to go to work , though , because he has to pay for his stay there . It ain 't like it 's the Ritz Hotel or something . I had his wife Tiff and the babies over for supper on Sunday . David called on the phone from his job and Tiff and I tried to be funny . I told David I was making a cake with a file in it to send to him and asked him if he wanted chocolate cake or yellow . Tiff tried to laugh on the phone and sing " Jail House Rock . " We managed to keep a smile as we talked to David but , oh , our hearts were heavy . We have all driven without a license so no one was pointing fingers . It 's just that David was to go to a class he had to pay for and couldn 't afford to go . Those jails are full of charges against people who can 't afford to pay bail or whatever . Anyone with any money don 't do time . We have all felt so bad for David . I talked to Johnny about it and he says , " Aw , Mom , that ain 't gonna hurt David a bit . It 's just 10 days and he gets out to go to work . " I still hate it . Johnny said that David laughed as he told Johnny about the cake with the file . David was so worried that I would be so upset . I didn 't want to let David know how bad I felt . But we will all laugh our way out of this as we do everything else . But I wonder when the jokes will be over and only bare - bones reality will be here to stare at . Probably never ! I am thinking of jokes about all of this as I go . Anything to bounce my heavy heart to a new place . To bounce my children 's hearts to a place of courage . Aunt Toot encouraged me so much last night as she told me how wonderful my Happy Housewifery site looked . I haven 't seen all the pics that you all have seen . I have the email machine and it doesn 't go to other sites . Toot said the pics of the boys at Chrissy 's NYC wedding were so neat . And she told me all the other things on the site . And so many of you last night encouraged my heart on the response group . And then I talked to Tiff on the phone last night . She and the babies had just gone to see David at work . David held the babies and held Tiff so tight . Tiff told me , " Connie , you have done such a good job raising your boys . They are all so affectionate with their families . I appreciate how you and Jim raised them . Each one of your sons are so loving . " She said that David held her so tight as he hugged her when he saw her come in at the store where he works . David , like Jim , is a loving father and husband . All the kids are so loving with me except for Mary , and no matter how big they get they will sit on my lap . Mary loves me from a distance . She says , " Mom , I feel like its been a 100 years since I seen you . " Well , it seems like a lot longer then that to me . But as Mothers , we have to go through seasons of lack and seasons of plenty . I guess we just joke our way through and when we are alone , we cry our way through . But we can never let our kids think they have done too much wrong that they can never be forgiven by God or by us . John is in Missouri now and David is to take care of his widow Mother for now . I love teasing Johnny on the phone and tellin ' him that the guy he left in charge of me is in jail . And how can a jailbird take care of me ? Through prayer last night , the Lord gave me such a teaching . I was too tired to write it down last night . And now Baby will be here in about an hour . I hate to start on this but will anyway . I just don 't have enough time . But the Lord was speaking to me about the folks in the Bible who wouldn 't do what others wanted them to do concerning prayer . How some with leprosy would hear that Jesus was passing by , and would run out of the leper colony to see Jesus . It was against the law for a leper to be out in the marketplace . And the woman with the issue of blood pressed into the crowd to touch the hem of Christ 's garment . She , too , was going against the law as she wasn 't supposed to be out in the marketplace , either . And I think of the woman who asked if she could just eat the crumbs under Christ 's table . So many had to press in and beg for help . They pressed out of this world and into heaven to reach Jesus . Then the Mothers brought their children to have Jesus bless them . And the disciples said " Don 't bother the Master . " But the Mothers pressed in and waited for Jesus to bless them . And Jesus saw them and told His men to let the children come to Him . And in the pressing in comes the answer to our prayers . Folks about us tell us , in a way , " Don 't bother us with your problems . Give your problems to the Lord . " But some of us won 't stop - can 't stop - as we have a passion that will take us to Jesus . We are the wheels that squeak the loudest in the kingdom of God . We live in a world with a boundary line around it . The rules are under the prince of the power of the air , " Satan . " The laws of sin and death are the laws of the land . The laws of cause and effect are here . Gravity is a law of this physical world . And yet we must pray and loose these laws over us . Whatever we loose on earth will be loosed in heaven . We pray and loose our prayers from Satan and a lever is pushed and heaven opens up to us and gives us our answer . We fight the devil all the time . Binding and loosing on earth and setting our prayers free to touch the heart of God . Passion and strong love fires us and we press into heaven and grab whatever we can . We use up the earth and we go to the edge of the earth . We are always pressing on the boundaries of the earth , pressing on the boundaries of heaven . Because ya see , the law of the earth is this . " If your husband is an adulterer , he will stay that way " or " If a man is a criminal he will stay that way . " These are the laws of the earth . So unless we press out of this world with our prayers , we will keep getting more of the same . If we live our lives the way most Christians do ? We will not see His glory . As we flounder around upon this earth and do what we did the day before and the day before that ? We will not see His glory . We will keep seeing what we saw the day before as we live by the rules of this earth . But if we don 't care what folks think and we are willing to kick out the walls of the boundary line , we will see His glory . But we must run the race and know how to deceive the devil . And we had better know how to run a lot faster then the Christians around us . Because many of them ain 't winnin ' ? And as we run the race with passion and fire , we find in the end that we are winning the race for heaven . That it is all a project set before us . Jesus uses the trials of this world to cause us to come into the place He has for us . We work out our own salvation . And as we suffer , we are made pure from sin . The flesh is burned and the spirit comes forth glistening with anointing and power . As we fight our battles , we cannot win . Only He is supernatural . And unless we fight our way out of this earth and into His world , we will not see His glory . And we begin to see that for us as believers , indeed all things do work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose . And ya know , lately I have been helping my elderly aunt . She had bought blue shower curtains and didn 't like them . So she had me to take them down and put up pink curtains . After she looked at them , she said she didn 't like ' em . So she bought some white ones and brought them home and she told me she didn 't like them , either . And now she is in a tither over it all and don 't know what on earth to do . You can imagine me standing there . My wheels turnin ' in my mind thinking , " Does this woman know there is a war goin ' on ? And that abortion is killing over a million babies a year ? " She don 't know any of this and she looks at me and my hillbilly ways and she says in disgust . " I am particular . " And I am thinkin ' " About what ? " I don 't say nothin ' as the poor dear ain 't got a clue . But ya know some folks don 't have any problems living on this earth ? And some of us who have problems that only Jesus can solve wonder why we have it so hard . Well Good - night , Darlin ' ! We are the chosen ones ! We have to touch the hem of his garment . Either that or flat out drop dead . Hell , I can 't afford to die - that 's why I have to keep on livin ' . And I ain 't worried about bein ' particular about my shower curtains . I am just flat glad I can take a shower and have hot water , right ? But somehow my whole life is on the edge and I am always screaming in the street for Jesus . I am long past worryin ' what people think of me and my rowdy kids . Solomon got his wisdom because he wasn 't worried about his reputation or the life of his enemies or this world 's wealth . He was chasin ' God . He wanted the wisdom of God above anything this world has to offer . And when you are chasing a supernatural God in a natural world , folks try to shut you up . But as we cry out to Him , we call miracles out of heaven . We cry out for the anointing , but the world don 't understand that . And the more the world tells us to not bother the Master , the closer we come to His anointing . |
Then just today , Alvin showed two signs of progress . I have to remind myself that Alvin can 't ever be counted out and his possibilities remain endless . First , I was over at my mom 's house and I had shut the back door at my house because it was just too hot outside . I knew that if Alvin had to go potty that he wouldn 't be able to wait and he would go inside . When I got home there was no puddle and I opened the back door and sat in a chair outside . Alvin came right out and went potty . I am assuming he was holding it earlier and it 's the second time I have seen him be able to hold it when the door was previously closed . I realize that most people wouldn 't find that to be a big event but I was so darn proud of him ! While still sitting in the chair , I praised him and he came over to me and let me repeatedly pet his back . He is more receptive to being pet when I am sitting , but considering I was seated up off the ground , it was definitely progress ! I am always so pleased for him in those moments because it has to feel good to be touched and it 's nice when his fear doesn 't get in the way and deprive him ( or me ) of those moments . I am editing this to add that after I wrote this entry , I came back again from being at my mom 's house and when I opened the back door , Alvin again went right out and went potty again . Goodness gracious , if he keeps this up I am going to have to get him his own dog to play with as a present . . . . . . . just kidding , mom ! While Alvin was still sedated from his hair cut , he was much braver and I was able to hug and pet him . I had to go out to the garage to change laundry and for the first time , Alvin went out with me . He bounded to the far side of the garage and then I heard an odd cry coming from him . He became very afraid of something and started crying his little eyes out . I have no idea what it was but I doubt he will be going out there again any time soon . Later in the day he was brave enough to bound out the front door when I was coming in . My worst nightmare would be for Alvin to get out because I don 't know how easy it would be to catch him , with all his fears and his inability to be able to process the direction of sound . He bounded out about four feet , and much to my relief , he came right back in when I called him . We went through this two more times and each time he came right back in . When he is not sedated , he is good about staying inside but I have learned my lesson about the new and improved brave Alvin when sedated . A couple of days ago when I got out of the shower , Alvin could not get enough of me and insisted on gliding his nose up and down my arms , legs and back . I started to question what was different and realized that I had just opened up a new bar of soap that was in a scent I had never used before . The difference in smell caused Alvin to go on a nasal tour up and down my limbs . I really threw him for a loop when the next day , I used a new shampoo and coupled with the recent change in soap , it was nearly too much for him . He finally stopped smelling when he was convinced it was still me . I don 't dare change my toothpaste or lotion too , because I don 't think his nose is built for as much sniffing as another change in smell would require . I bit the bullet and shaved Stevie and Alvin down on the same night . Alvin knew it was coming because I did Stevie first and Alvin responded by refusing to come inside and just had his head in the door while staring at me the whole time . He ended up doing pretty well . Of course , I sedated him . He is shaved way down , which will definitely help for the next three weeks , until his fur grows back at lightening speed . Unfortunately , I had to cut a lot of the fur off of his ears because he won 't let me brush them and one of them was a tangled mess . He has such beautiful ears and I hate when cockers have their ears shaved , but I had to cut them way down so we can start over again . It isn 't his best look . He has responded to the whole thing by going outside and refusing to come back in . He is boycotting me but I can abruptly end it by offering a treat . Poor little guy , I wish it could be easier for him . As you all have read in exhausting detail , Alvin doesn 't do well with change . He is getting far better at accepting change and just last night my mom was commenting on how much less he circles in response to a change in his environment . On the whole , his circling has reduced by about 80 % . With the heat and the need to pull out all the electrical fans from the garage , Alvin is now facing a new challenge . Before he came to me I was warned by his former foster mom that he had chewed on two cords , both being expensive computer cords . I made certain that there were no cords in sight before he came . Alvin hasn 't tried to chew anything since being here . So , I pulled out the fans and there was a cord on the ground that was blocking the route he would take to get to me when I am sitting on the couch . I use the term , blocking because it might as well as been a brick wall based on Alvin 's reaction to it . He refused to cross over the cord and it didn 't matter how many times I called him , he just couldn 't muster up the courage to walk over it . There are times when I don 't even venture a guess as to why , and this would be one of them . It 's just part of what makes Alvin a very memorable little boy ! Below is a video taken of Alvin at his former foster home when he chewed up his foster mom 's quilt . Make sure and watch to the very end because the last five seconds are priceless ! I find it cute because Alvin hasn 't tried to chew anything of mine , heck , he can barely chew his food half the time . Due to it being so hot here and the unfortunate fact that I don 't have air conditioning , I have been putting ice cubes in the dogs water bowl several times a day . Stevie loves it and immediately starts drinking each time . Alvin , it turns out , is afraid of ice cubes in the water bowl and finds them both scary and mystifying . The good news is that they melt fast and he does seem to enjoy drinking cool water on our very hot days . With the heat , I am going to have to shave Alvin down again . As you all probably recall , it was just two or three weeks ago that I shaved him . It 's terribly unfortunate that of all the dogs I have ever known , Alvin 's fur grows the fastest . I am going to shave him as far down as I can so that we will hopefully get at least a four week reprieve . This is particularly necessary because Alvin tries to go out to the side of the house and lie directly in the sun when it 's over 100 degrees outside . I have written about that area being his favorite place to sleep , but in the past he knew not to be out there on really hot days . That area is where the sun beats down the hardest and the concrete is like a stove top . I have the door shut during the day to keep the heat out but when I have opened it , he tries to go out there and sleep . I am thankful that I don 't have a doggy door because it would be harder to control . I don 't know how long he would actually stay out there because I am always aware when he is outside on hot days and I don 't give him the option to stay . On the occasions when he has gone out there , I peak around the corner and he is lying there asleep already . Why would he do that ? I would think that he could get heatstroke very easily . I realize that he has his oddities but wouldn 't he know it 's too hot and not want to lie directly in the sun ? When I am gone , I keep the door closed because I am not going to run the risk of coming home to a cooked up Alvin . He continues to mystify me at times , and although I usually let him freely partake in all his glorious oddities , his attempt to become Janet White It has been extremely hot here and I decided to turn on the sprinkles last night to give the lawn more water . I didn 't think it through because when I turned them on , Alvin was on the side of the house and because of where the side lawn is , he would get a very slight mist if he passed them . He repeatedly tried to pass them but would get halfway through , stand in the only place he could get sprayed , and then retreat back to the side of the house . After trying to coax him through it several times , I gave up and picked him up to bring him in the house . Alvin looks so funny when he is picked up because he cranes his neck up as high as it will go and he looks like either a baby bird begging for food or a bobblehead . Speaking of bobbleheads , wouldn 't a bobblehead of Alvin be cute ? What I didn 't realize is that the experience would cause Alvin to be too afraid to go outside again . About two hours later Alvin started to do the pee - pee dance and I could tell that he really needed to go out , but I couldn 't figure out why he wouldn 't go . It dawned on me that it was due to the sprinklers having been on earlier and I had to go outside , repeatedly call him to come out , and then sit in the chair outside and wait for him to go . The reason I had to sit in the chair is that he usually won 't go unless I am seated because he gets so afraid he is going to miss out on something otherwise . I didn 't have to wait long because he really had to go and I think we narrowly missed him going in the house . Poor Alvin , if it 's not one thing , it 's the sprinklers , his own shadow , electrical cords ( future post ) , or ice cubes ( another future post ) . Posted by When I use my bathroom I leave the door open because it 's only me and because Alvin likes to follow me in there . He always comes in , does a circle and goes back out . I can count on him to come in again and do the same thing . He then tends to wait out in the hallway . What is interesting is that even after he has come in twice and clearly sees where I am , when he is out in the hallway and I call him , he isn 't able to figure out where I am . I am able to spy on his through the space between the door and the frame . My bathroom is unusually small and when entering , you can either go straight for less than eight feet or you can make a very small turn to the left , which is where the toilet is . There are no other options , and yet , when I call him , and on the times that he eventually walks into the bathroom , he will keep looking straight ahead or even look to the right , which is where the bathtub is . It usually takes me waving my arms for him to look left and " find " me . What is particularly interesting is that he always looks terribly surprised and relieved to find me there , even though he just saw me there less than one minute before . All I can say is , thank goodness I live alone because I look like an idiot sitting on the toilet , calling a dog , and waving both hands wildly in front of me to get his attention . . . . . . . how much you want to bet I continue living alone for all of eternity , because one night of our antics in this house would be sure to scare any roommate or suitor away . I 'm not sad about it because when I put Alvin in bed with me and he rests his little chin on me and I feel his hot breath getting slower and deeper as he falls fast to sleep , I am reassured that as long as we have each other , we 'll be just fine . And yes , I realize that I sound like the crazy dog lady . Alvin has a place on the side of the house where he likes to bask in the sunshine will sprawled out on the concrete . On a nice day I can usually find him sound asleep , without a care in the world . I have discovered that if I go to the spot and sit down that Alvin will allow me to scratch and pet him all over his back , head , and neck . He has recently started to even place his head in my lap , with his chin resting on my leg . If someone who didn 't know Alvin were to view the scene they wouldn 't know that he has any anxiety over being touched . I so enjoy the moments when Alvin is able to seem totally normal . I feel like a mother of a special needs child because I get so excited over very small things that other people would take for granted . He is particularly receptive to me petting him if I go out there after having been gone from the house . This afternoon I went out there twice after having just come home and he was just a little love bug ! I am finding that although Alvin always wags his tail whenever I praise him , if I look away and don 't speak that it takes the pressure off of him and he is able to let me pet him more . My hope is that this will help him become more relaxed with being touched on his back and head and that over time we can do this in the house . I especially want to be able to move it in the house because on a couple of occasions I have gone outside and sat down only to discover that Alvin didn 't follow me out . I look entirely pathetic as I am sitting at the side of my house and calling , " Alvin , honey come see mommy . " Both times my calling was in vain because of Alvin 's inability to be able to locate the direction of sound and I was left begging and dogless , while Alvin was circling himself dizzy in the house trying to figure out where my voice was coming from . I am grateful that he chose the side of the house nearest my mom 's house because if she spots me sitting out there alone calling Alvin , she won 't bat an eye . She has seen far weirder things when it comes to Alvin and me . I wouldn 't want to hPosted by I am noticing more and more that Alvin has a lot of processing issues , many that I have written about here . I don 't know if they are getting worse , or if I am just noticing them more , as I continue to get to know him . I suspect it 's the later . One thing I have noticed and been alarmed by , is that when I am getting something out of the oven , Alvin tries repeatedly to approach the open oven and we have had a few close calls . Luckily , I rarely use the oven . He is not repelled or hesitant when feeling heat . I have never encountered this with another dog and I am wondering if this is a common behavior in dogs , or if your dogs have felt the heat and known to keep a distance ? I am trying to ascertain whether this is another processing problem for him or if it 's just what dogs do . Please leave me a comment if you have had any experience with this issue . I don 't know what 's going on but clearly there was a family meeting consisting of all three of my pets and I wasn 't invited . There have been several incidents of mutiny and I am outnumbered . It started with Stevie refusing breakfast before 1 : 00 in the afternoon . She is a girl that really enjoys sleeping in , to the point that if I dare wake her before 1 : 00 in the afternoon she refuses breakfast and goes back to sleep . I feel like I am raising a teenager in canine form . I have to feed the dogs at the same time because if I feed Alvin earlier and then try to feed Stevie later , Alvin panics that he is missing out and I can only see so many of his whirly twirls until I start to get dizzy . I changed their feeding schedule to accommodate Princess Stevie and so they eat very late at night and then have what can 't even be characterized as brunch because it 's too late in the day . Then there is Mister Alvin who made me almost fall down today because of his rebellion . We went over to grandma 's house and Alvin was terribly excited because he hasn 't been over there for nearly a week . I was so proud of him because on the way over he didn 't so much as break out even one loop , pranced by my side , and knew the way to grandma 's house . Once we got there , we had a grand time , complete with hot dog bites . My mom decided she would come back over to my house with us and I was proud of Alvin because he was able to go out the door and didn 't attempt to run back in at the last minute . This was obviously due to the fact that my mom was coming with us . Due to my mom 's fairly recent knee surgery , she walks quite a bit slower and I tend to walk ahead of her . I was walking Alvin when all of a sudden I got pulled back so hard that I started to stumble backwards . Alvin is a little thing but he managed to plant his butt and pull against me so hard that it caused me to nearly fall . I turned around to find him sitting , eyes wild , and his neck extended . He flat out refused to go further until his grandma caught up . He lovingly trotted next to her andThey have also taken to all standing near the food container and Maddie has taken on the roll of town crier and strongly advocates for me to get up and give them each a treat . Alvin stands there literally licking his lips . They look so darn cute as a trio that I usually give in . There are many more incidents of obstinacy , rebellion , and being terribly demanding . When reflecting on their recent behavior , I could only conclude that I had created this entire mess . I have spoiled those three to the point that I find myself actually begging them to behave , or in Maddie 's case to let me sleep . I concluded that it is such a blessing that I never procreated because if I had a child , I would be the mother getting the phone calls from school and when they told me that my child was once again suspended , I would just be relieved that the little darling hadn 't managed to get expelled . I have the gift of taking a lovely , undemanding animal and making them a spoiled rotten mess within hours . And so to society as a whole , when reflecting on the fact that I didn 't procreate , all I can say is , you 're welcome ! I haven 't written anything for a few days because I kept getting an error message and couldn 't access my page and also because my family suffered a significant loss recently . First , I want to thank the poster who took the time and effort to give me so many ideas of how to fund raise for Camp Cocker . It was frustrating because I could read the comment but I couldn 't post an acknowledgment of it before now . They were all such great ideas and once I am more back on my feet I am going to try to use some of the suggestions . Thank you so much ! On Sunday night , my beloved grandma died . She was the one that I used to take my dog , Timmie and also Stevie to visit at the nursing home . She had a stroke on Friday and I was able to be with her nearly 24 hours a day until she died . On Saturday night and most of Sunday I laid next to her in bed and held her . I kept my hand or head on her chest most of the time so that I could feel her heart beat because I knew that soon I would begin missing that sound and wishing that more than anything it would return . I had my head on her chest and was able to hear her last , delicate heart beat . Earlier in the day I had curled her hair and put makeup on her because she would have been very upset had she looked sick while she was dying . After she died , I redid her makeup because it has to last for all eternity . I also knew that she would not be one bit happy if she went to meet Jesus with her hair undone or with no makeup . My grandma and I were always very close and shared a very special , red head , always in trouble bond . I spent most of my childhood saying , " well , grandma would say it 's okay , " when trying to get out of trouble for whatever lame brained stunt I had managed to pull . I am writing about my grandma because something very interesting happened with Alvin . As some of you might recall , when Timmie died and I brought him home in the container , I couldn 't bury him because it was in the middle of the night . Alvin responded to it by repeatedly making a guttural groans and cries . I noticed at the time how much he responded to me crying . Granted , it was more like loud wailing and was hard to miss , but Alvin had the most concerned look on his face and kept his eyes on me the entire time . Last Sunday afternoon I came home from the hospital to feed them dinner and to spend a few minutes with them . I sat on the floor because I needed the comfort of a dog and knew that Alvin is much more receptive to being touched when I am sitting down . Alvin responded by standing as close to me as he ever has , putting his head in my lap , and lAfter my grandma died Sunday night , I came home and Alvin was very tuned into me . His eyes never left me . My mom came over a little while later and as you all know , I just don 't exist in Alvin 's world when she arrives . My mom pointed out that Alvin didn 't even look her way and continued to circle around me , while staring at me . Later that night , I started crying again and saw Alvin with such a concerned look again . I put him in bed with me and he rested his chin on me all night long . Alvin has since gotten over it and is back to " normal " . Stevie was oblivious to the whole thing , which was fine . I found it appropriate that a cocker spaniel would be the one to comfort me through my grandma 's death because my grandma was the one that started our now three generations of cocker spaniel lovers . She and my grandpa got a cocker named Maggie for my mom and aunts when they were little and the love of cocker spaniels started there . Hi all you fellow dog lovers ! This is Janet White , a Camp Cocker foster parent and former adopter . I feel compelled to write this plea because for the past five years I have watched Camp Cocker Rescue go from a one woman show , with a handful of dogs to a rescue that saves close to 200 hundred cockers a year , with the help of many of you who have been kind enough to volunteer in all kinds of ways . This has been possible solely due to donations , which were made by many of you reading this . As you probably know , Cathy Stanley has started to lease a boarding facility so that Camp Cocker can now save more cockers . This is such a promising development but sadly , donations are way down and Camp Cocker simply cannot continue to rescue as many dogs unless we all find a way to get more donations . The sad reality is that on any given day , ten new cockers come into Los Angeles area shelters and only about half make it out . Every day lives are lost due to the sad fact that rescues do not get enough funding and foster parents . Their deaths are entirely preventable . When I reflect on the lives saved by Camp Cocker , I get teary because so many of the dogs were the ones that animal lovers beg for a rescue to save but most rescues pass them by because they require expensive medical treatment . You have all seen the pictures of the particularly down and out cockers and people begging Camp Cocker to save them . Camp Cocker has become the go - to rescue when a situation seem hopeless . We all cheer for the lives saved but rescuing these precious souls cost money - a lot of money . I think of Timmie , a dog that had been hit by a car , shattering his pelvis . He was in pain , in the Bakersfield shelter with little hope of being rescued . A volunteer for Camp Cocker drove from Los Angeles to Bakersfield on Christmas Eve to rescue him . It turned out it was an old injury and by the look of how emaciated he was , he had been out on the street trying to fend for himself while on three legs . He fully recuperated and I have enclosed a video of him shortly after his surgery , with Jenny , another cocker who probably would have died in a shelter because she had cataracts and could not see well . Jenny got cataract surgery and her then foster mom said she reacted by pressing her face against her foster mom 's face and just staring at her . Jenny was subsequently adopted by her foster mom . What a tragic waste it would have been had they both died in a crowded scary shelter . Timmie went on to be a regular visitor at a local nursing home and would get in bed with the residents and allow them to pull , hug , and tug on him . He was an absolute shining light . I am currently fostering a dog named Stevie and a dog named Alvin , both who would have surely died had it not been for Camp Cocker . Alvin had bad knees and that one , correctable problem would have surely cost him his life had Camp Cocker not stepped in . Then there is Stevie who was older , black , blind , and deaf . The usually hardened shelter staff just didn 't have the heart to put her to sleep and so she remained there for two months . After Camp Cocker rescued Shttp : / / wigglebutthelp . chipin . com / camp - cocker - rescue Below is a link to one of the most beautiful rescue stories I have ever known , and it was only possible because Camp Cocker rescued Stanley . Your eyes do not decieve you , he is not a cocker , but rather , a pitbull who simply had to be saved . I have also posted a few other videos of the dogs mentioned above . Camp Cocker , the rescue that saved Alvin , Stevie , and Timmie are experiencing a significant drop in donations , which means they can 't continue to rescue as many cockers as before . Camp Cocker means so much to me because of the dogs they are willing to save . My dog Timmie had a fractured pelvis and would have surely been put to sleep had Camp Cocker not rescued him . They knew that he was going to require an expensive surgery and most rescues pass those dogs up . Timmie completely healed from the surgery and spent time visiting elderly people in a nursing home . He was the most joyful dog I have ever known . Then there was blind , deaf old Stevie who sat for months in a very scary shelter until Camp Cocker rescued her . Then Alvin , who in the world other than Camp Cocker would have rescued him because not only was he odd , but he had two bad knees that required surgery . So , I feel compelled to help try to fund raise for them but I don 't know how . I am wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how to fund raise ? We can 't do events because it cost money to hold events and there is none of that at this time . I am wondering if any of you know good ways to solicit donations online ? My sense of urgency comes from the fact that on any given day there are at least 10 cockers going into LA shelters and only about half make it out . Camp Cocker currently has about 25 - 30 cockers and although they have room for more , they don 't have the funding to pay for their medical needs . If any of you have any suggestions on how I can help fund raise , please do let me know ! Thank you so very much ! P . S . I found Alvin 's food bowl about 1 / 4 filled today and it was two hours after breakfast time . He had clearly been distracted by something , wandered off , and forgot about the food in the bowl . Good grief ! To make matters more nutty , my mom just brought over dog cookies for them and then gave them a wee bit of milk so they could have cookies and milk with grandma . Yes , we are both mentally losing it and it 's all the dogs fault ! I almost tripped right over your head . This is what I heard from my mom as she was trying to make dinner for us in the kitchen . It was much nicer than what she had said the night before when Alvin hurt her and I heard her say something similar to thank you , but it was definitely not thank you , and she said it four times in a row . Alvin 's response ? To just get closer to her . While cooking in the kitchen she told Alvin and Stevie who were glued to her , " you aren 't very well behaved children . You 're the kind of kids that only get invited over once for a play date . " Luckily Stevie is deaf so these comments aren 't a blow to her self esteem and Alvin isn 't phased by it a bit . On a different note , sure enough Alvin has to go to the right every time when exiting the back door and so we will keep the sprinkler schedule for 5 : 00 AM and hope it doesn 't interfere with the time when he has to go potty . So odd ! I tell ' ya , give a bird an inch and he 'll take a strawberry . Elvis , the bird is now stealing from not only me , but Stevie as well . For those you who don 't know , I caught Stevie last strawberry season going out early in the morning and although she was completely blind at the time , she would go to each strawberry plant , sniff until she found the ripe strawberries and then gingerly pluck them off and eat them . Unfortunately , I discovered this late in the season and even after putting the containers up out of Stevie 's reach , I only got to enjoy one of my own strawberries because the season was over . This year I have been waiting with baited breath , knowing that the strawberries would be all mine . I was confused because although they started producing early , I have only found one ripe strawberry , with all the others disappearing when they were still white or very light pink . I am naive and thought that since it 's early in the season that they had just shrivelled up and died . That was until I witnessed with my own two eyes , Elvis ripping me off blind . Not only was it Elvis but he brought his wife ( they 're married in the bird world ) to steal from me as well . I have since concluded that any being named Elvis cannot be trusted , even though I named him . There was only one Elvis and the rest are just sorry impostors . Clearly it 's not enough that not only do I let Elvis come into my house for meals but I leave a plate of food out for him for easier access . Before I could think things through logically , I made my best crazy person impression and went out with a handful of the dog food he likes and actually yelled , " Elvis , don 't eat the strawberries . Here 's your food . " I immediately heard myself and prayed the neighbors didn 't hear me because I sounded like a lunatic . I guess I am now going to have to cover the strawberries , but it might serve me better to conclude that clearly , I am not meant to grow strawberries . I found myself genuinely irritated at the bird because if I 'm not going to get to enjoy the berries , I would farPosted by I continue to enjoy bedtime with Alvin because he allows me to scratch and pet him all over when we are on the bed together . I also love waking up to him lunging across me while not having a care in the world . I have been trying to spend more time sitting on the ground outside with him because he is most relaxed while outdoors and feels far less threatened when I am sitting at his level . He has been able to spend progressively more time standing next to me while I scratch and pet him . I have found that if I look away from him and don 't talk to him that he can stand there for longer . I look like an idiot sitting on the concrete on the side of my house ( his favorite sunning area ) while pretending to be super casual , as though I hardly notice that I 'm petting him . We have had a couple of sessions where I was able to pet him until my arm got tired . The great news is that the nose tapping , sniffing behavior towards my mom has temporarily ceased . He still likes to be around her but is able to leave her feet and legs alone . I do often find him to be on the outside part of the doorway , looking in at her while she is seated in the chair and he sits and watches her like a TV . Anytime she moves , he runs in to see if maybe she is about to do something fantastic that he can be a part of . If you are the center of Alvin 's affections , you just can 't help but feel important and valued . I hope it doesn 't go to her head and starts being difficult to be around because if one is to gauge Alvin 's response to her , she 's nearly famous . My mom came over last night with some groceries she had bought for the dogs and cooked them dinner . She prefers not to cook at all and certainly not for animals , but she has recently decided that she would like to make occasional meals for Alvin and Stevie , and yes , Maddie , the cat gets in on the action too . The dogs could not have been more excited and stayed at her feet the whole time . While waiting for the food to cool , my mom came into the living room and sat down . Alvin stood and stared at her for a long time and then he just couldn 't wait any longer and jumped up , placing his two front paws on her knees and remained there while just staring at her . She kept getting her face closer and closer to his and he leaned in to get his face closer to hers , while furiously wagging his little tail . He knew what was up and just couldn 't wait another minute . He was persuasive because my mom got up , checked the temperature of the food and announced that dinner was served . They both gobbled up the dinner , while I took Maddie 's into where she can be found nearly 24 hours a day , which remains the biggest , plushiest " dog " bed in the house . She cooked enough for breakfast tomorrow and listed off the ingredients she is going to buy to try new meals for them . We were discussing what a good cook she probably is in the canine world when she took a piece of gum out of her mouth and I told her just to place it on a plate that was on the coffee table and I would dispose of it later . I know Stevie didn 't see her do it because I saw where she was at the time . Within 60 seconds , Stevie had located the source of a little piece of chewed up gum , and got on her back feet to lift the gum off the plate . I didn 't point out the fact that we could hardly gauge her canine cooking abilities when one of her two test dogs was thrilled with a piece of chewed up gum . Just when you ' ya think you 're all that , a dog can humble you within seconds . I was sitting on the couch last night and saw Alvin madly circling and then squat and poop on the floor . The back door was open and I was perplexed as to why he was going inside because he has become fully house trained and only goes potty in the house when it 's rainy outside . I ran outside and started calling him and he started to go outside , would begin to turn right , and then run back in the house . I realized then what the problem was . Normally the sprinklers turn on early in the morning but I had turned them on for an extra cycle . There is only one small patch of grass very near the right side of the house . I went out onto the patio where the sprinklers don 't spray . The problem was that Alvin was unable to turn left towards me and kept insisting on going right where the sprinklers were spraying . He repeatedly tried to come out but had to retreat back inside because of the sprinklers . I have never noticed it before but I suspect that his pattern when exiting the house is to go right and he was unable to deviate from his pattern , even when there is an entire patio that is sprinkler free . I choose my battles and this wasn 't one where I was going to spend time trying to " train " him into deviating from his autistic pattern and instead , I just won 't have the sprinklers on during probable potty times . If it 's not the rain , it 's the sprinklers . I have mentioned this before but the fact that Alvin is completely unable to hear a noise and then process where the noise is coming from became glaringly obvious the other day while we were visiting my mom 's house . He clearly hears fine but he has no ability to process the noise to determine where the noise came from . It is one of the oddest things to watch and I am definitely going to get it on video so you all can see it . Here is what happened at my mom 's house . All four of us went outside ( Stevie included ) and I shut the french glass door behind us . We all walked passed Alvin so he saw that we were not in the house and he saw my mom and I sit down on chairs about 30 feet from the door . Alvin stayed near the door and so I called him . He heard me calling and began looking in the glass as though he thought we were inside . He started to do his circles and would look in our general direction . I stood up , started loudly calling him while waving both of my arms and yet , he could not spot me . He continued looking through the glass and then circling . I was stumped that even when he would circle and look in our direction that he was unable to spot me wildly waving . His vision seems fine but he can 't focus on anything when he is circling . I finally had to walk towards him , while continuing to wave my hands and call him . I walked up the ramp to the porch , which is noisy and ended up having to tap him on the back before he was able to spot me . He looked so relieved to have " found " us . He then trotted down the ramp , spent a minute with us , then turned and went back up the ramp , went to the glass door and started the insanity all over again . He again started looking through the glass door for us and the more I called him , the more he was convinced that we were inside the house . My mom and I just looked at each other without ever saying a word . I would have thought it was just a matter of him really wanting back in the house but the look ( three times ) of relief when I tapped him on the back and he " found " us made it clear thPosted by My mom boiled two whole chickens ( show off ) and made a rice and chicken concoction for the dogs . Alvin loves it but it 's giving him absolute fits because he can 't eat it in mouthfuls and ends up spitting most of out . Not only does it create a mess but about nine years later , he finally finishes his meal . Stevie is able to pound the food down and then acts like a crazed lunatic as she approaches Alvin 's bowl and lunges for his food . I have tried every which way to fend her off but it 's useless because Alvin takes one little bite , spits it out , and then goes to each piece of rice and tries to eat it again . It it such a mess that I can 't feed him in one of the carpeted bedrooms and so out of desperation , I locked him in the bathroom to finish eating today . It turns out that there is a huge gap between the bathroom door and floor , which I had never noticed before because I have never been on my hands and knees trying to peak into my own bathroom . But there I was , craning to see if Alvin was indeed eating or just circling himself silly . It turned out to be a combination of both . He must have enjoyed it though because he let out a burp so loud that I think it put a dent in the door . So , now he will be in the bathroom when eating my mom 's home cooking , which ironically is where I often end up after eating my mom 's cooking . . . . . . . . . . ducking now . Yesterday I took Alvin over for an unannounced visit to my mom 's house . When first arriving , Alvin started dancing around searching for the bologna , but due to his cognitive limitations , he couldn 't remember which room had the bologna in it and began frantically searching throughout the house , looking in boxes and on shelves that are low to the ground . As I was opening the refrigerator my mom informed me that she had bought a new package of bologna just for him . After feeding him a piece and visiting with my mom , I was getting ready to take him home and my mom put on her best grandma guilt voice and said , " well , give him another piece before he leaves . " It was at that moment that I realized that I am competing with the grandma factor . Whenever Alvin goes over there he gets all kinds of treats and so of course my house is boring because I 'm the mom with the healthy food . I quit eating meat about five years ago but since I used to eat meat , it doesn 't particularly gross me out but I have discovered that bologna is disgusting . I have also discovered that the grosser the meat , the more the dogs love it . While we were at her house , Alvin started to do his pee - pee dance and so I went outside and called and called him to come out too . He becomes so fearful that he is going to miss something that he acts like a child who holds their crotch and dances , but doesn 't want to take the time to go to the bathroom for fear they will miss out . I finally got him on the lawn and he immediately urinated . When we came back inside I very excitedly told my mom who then crouched down to tell Alvin how smart he is . I told her that it seemed like he was learning where to go potty at her house but she interrupted me to claim that he already knows . She was referencing the fact that on two occasions when he had to go , my mom sensed it before I did ( I still don 't know what she saw ) , opened the back door and he immediately went out and went potty . She remains very proud of the fact that she called it before I did , that I argued with her that he didn 't have to go , and then both times he went straight outside and pottied for her . When we left her house , Alvin didn 't put on the brakes or try to run back inside before the door shut . We both praised him and my mom being on a high from the display of normalcy then shouted , " see if he can find his way back home . " I just looked at her while Alvin continued to loop around me and I asked her how in the world we could ever determine if he was actually headed for home when he won 't walk in a straight line . She then laughed and made fun of us while we looped back home . Alvin won 't hold it against her though because she 's the bologna grandma and his loyalty runs deep . |
After the risky surgery with Abbigail , Joliet was still worried . The pregnancy had been unexpected , and certainly high risk . She was well past her prime for birthing pups , as evident with the delivery . Joliet shook her head as she cleaned up , trying to clear her mind . It was lucky that both she and Cheyenne had backgrounds in veterinary medicine for situations like this . Once everything was cleared and Joliet was sure that Abbigail was settled , she decided it was time to make her rounds in the rescue . Joliet called out to Cheyenne , " Chey , I 'm going to make the rounds and check on all the animals and staff . Call if you need anything ! " Joliet faintly heard Chey 's distinct laughter followed by a male 's , then heard Chey 's response . " Got it ! " Joliet first began her rounds by checking on the rest of the dogs in the dog palace which was one of the first buildings ever built on the rescue . Once she was satisfied that everyone was cared for properly , and she stopped to say hello to the corgi / husky mix Jack , she decided to head out . The rescue was laid out unlike most others , which made it unique . Next door to the dog palace was the cat cabana . Not far from the dog and cat facilities were the horse pastures , and aviary . The rescue even had an area designated for small animals ( rodents / rabbits / etc ) . There was also a lot of area designated for trails , and dog pens . Because of the layout , Joliet headed to the cat cabana and checked on them before heading off to the rest of the rescue . Once finished with the cat cabana , Joliet set off on a leisurely pace around the 1200 - acre rescue , deciding to take her time to make the rounds today . The ordeal with Abbigail momentarily took her mind off of her past and her writing , but now those thoughts were back . It had been so long since thoughts of that person had brought such feelings about that it shocked her to be feeling such a way now . She considered bringing it up with her husband , but thought better of it . Shaking her head to clear it again , Joliet continued on her rounds . She checked on the horse pastures , aviary , and small animal habitats . Satisfied with how all of the animals and staff were , Joliet still wasn 't ready to be confined back to her office . She didn 't want to confront the possibility of the unknown box being from her past . She looked towards the trails . " Ah , what the hell . " Joliet took out her phone and shot a quick text to Cheyenne 's phone so someone would know where she was . " Heading to the lake . Taking the trail . Can 't face office yet . " With that , Joliet took off at a small jog towards one of the trails that was marked as ' lake trail ' . Once arriving at the trail , Joliet looked back towards the main administrative building of the rescue . She shuddered visibly , thinking about the box and her past . She knew it was silly , but things still haunted her . She set off at a brisk pace down the trail , hoping a nice dip in the lake would cleanse her spirit . Upon reaching the end of the trail , Joliet paused . It never failed to amaze her how beautiful this part of the landscape was . The lake had a small , but magnificent waterfall that someone had put lights behind . It was breathtakingly beautiful here at night . Stripping down to her underwear , Joliet prepared for a dip in the water when she heard a noise behind her . " Are you stripping down for me , or am I just lucky enough to be here at the right time ? " Freaked out , Joliet whipped around . " How … why are you here ? " The man , who 'd been hiding in the shadows stepped out . " Well , I knew you used to come here often . But , I also tapped Cheyenne 's phone to spy on you . " Joliet 's face lost all color , " Why not just tap my phone ? Why hers ? " " Oh , it would be too easy to just tap yours . I had to make it fun . " Joliet had heard enough at that point . She grabbed her clothes back up , and took off at a run towards the rescue . Reaching the end of the trail , Joliet braved looking back . He hadn 't tried to follow her . " Strange … " she muttered a loud . Joliet dressed quickly and ran back to her office , calling Brice . " Hello Ms . Joliet " " Yeah … Hi Brice . Can you tell Cheyenne to meet me at my house please ? " " Uhm … sure . Yes ma ' am . " " Thank you " . With that , she hung up the phone and put a note on her door claiming she wasn 't feeling well and was going home early . She grabbed her things and ran out the door and to her car , making the trip home . Walking out of her small study , Joliet glanced up at the clock in the hall , 8 : 15 . " Shit , I 'm going to be late for work , " she muttered . Joliet ran up the stairs to the master bedroom and threw on her favorite pair of clothing for work , a nice pair of jeans and a blouse . It appeared professional , but she didn 't mind getting it dirty if she needed to be hands on with the animals . Owning your own animal rescue had its perks , but you were still responsible for a ton of people and their livelihoods . She set her own hours so that she was able to be home most mornings with the kids , but lately the time seemed to be getting away from her . Knowing that the kids didn 't have to be at school until nine , Joliet scrambled to find all of the necessary items she needed for the rescue . Joliet sprinted down the stairs with shoes in hands , which was a pair of boots , and yelled to a loud to whoever remained in the house while putting the boots on , " I 'm leaving for the rescue in five ! Y ' all better be on the way to school in ten , if you 're not already , and remember to drop Kayden off as well ! " Silence . Did that mean they were all gone already ? No , wait . A noise . Joliet definitely just heard a noise . Emmett 's voice . " Got it mom ! Sis and Dad are gone , but I 'll take Kay . " She smiled despite being rushed , hearing the nicknames Emmett gave his siblings , " Thanks honey ! Love you . Gotta run . I 'm already late today ! " " Have a good day mom . Love you too . " Joliet drove to the rescue in a hurry , without really speeding , just five miles over ( maybe six or seven ) . The rescue was about fifteen or twenty minutes from where the house was , and that depended on traffic . Joliet was lucky today because traffic was apparently on her side . Arriving at the rescue , she parked in the spot that was designated for her . Once inside she greeted staff that were there already , and went to her office to check any new messages . Sitting on her desk was a box addressed to the rescue with no return address . Joliet paused momentarily and then called her best friend to come to her office ( who also happened to work at the rescue ) . Cheyenne came right away , thinking that she was finally going to be let go because of the close connection she had with Joliet . She knew other employees frowned upon it , even though Joliet didn 't show her special attention in meetings . Joliet nodded towards the box on her desk . " What do you make of that ? " Cheyenne walked over to the box and looked at it , " Well , it 's addressed to the rescue , but there 's no return address . Where 'd it come from ? " Joliet shrugged , " I have no idea , but I have a bad feeling about it . " Cheyenne knew something was up with Joliet , " Hey Jo , did you get to the part of your story about him ? Is that why you 're in a funk , and you 're acting a bit paranoid ? " Joliet 's head shot up , but her face betrayed her . Walking over to the office door and closing it , she nodded . " I started to write that part , and write about all that happened … and I had to stop . I didn 't want to dredge it all back up . Open old wounds , you know ? I don 't want to bring that ghost back into this place . " Cheyenne looked at her best friend then and finally understood what she 'd been thinking this whole time . " You think the box is from him , don 't you ? You think he 's finally found you ? Jo … that 's not possible . " Joliet looked so withdrawn , " Anything is possible Chey . " Cheyenne ran over and opened the door , and the young man practically fell through the entryway . " H . . Hello . My name is Brice , and I was sent to fetch you Ms . Joliet and Ms . Cheyenne because there is a dog in labor , but she 's in distress . " Joliet and Cheyenne both nodded , and momentarily forgetting the box , followed Brice down to the dog palace . " Which dog is it ? " Cheyenne always kept on top of keeping all of the animals organized , and with their proper caretakers ( one of the reason she was qualified to be at the rescue ) . Joliet was so lost in her own mind that she almost missed Brice say " Uhm , I think they said her name is Abbigail . " " Abbi ? She 's the one in labor ? " Joliet exclaimed and then took off in a jog . Cheyenne watched her best friend jog off , and momentarily considered following , but felt the need to explain to the confused newbie next to her . " Abbigail was the first dog rescued here . She 's been here for four years now . Hence , why Jo took off in a jog . She treats Abbi as a baby . " Brice thanked her for explaining the situation . " I just started yesterday , and today this happens . Is this common ? " Cheyenne chuckled , " Pretty much . It 's chaos , but you learn to love it . Welcome to Infinity Paws Rescue . " During the discussion about Abbigail , Cheyenne and Brice managed to catch up to Joliet , who was already with Abbigail . " Chey , we need to scrub in and help her . There 's at least two puppies in there . " Cheyenne merely nodded and the two girls headed over to a station meant for situations like this . While doing this , Brice stood around wondering what he should do until he heard Cheyenne 's voice . " Hey Brice , can you sanitize that workbench for us , and carefully lift Abbi up ? " " Sure thing ! " As Brice got to work sanitizing and the girls finished scrubbing in , the room was filled with little other noise other than Abbigail 's labored breathing . Brice gingerly picked the German Shephard / Lab mix up and laid her on the workbench , and then stepped back as the two girls moved in . " Hey Brice , can you come pet her head and keep her calm for us ? " Joliet asked . " Sure thing . " While Brice was petting Abbigail , Joliet and Cheyenne worked to help her deliver the last of her litter without surgery , but when that didn 't work , they had to resort to plan b . Joliet wasn 't thrilled about this plan , but if they waited any longer they could lose Abbi and whatever puppies were left . Joliet and Cheyenne prepared Abbi with the help of Brice , and positioned her so her stomach was up . After they made sure she was sedated , and on oxygen , the girls began the delicate cesarean surgery to try to save multiple lives . Five minutes passed before Joliet was able to pull the first puppy from the womb , and she passed it to Cheyenne . Cheyenne wrapped the pup in a warm towel and suctioned the nose / mouth region to try to revive it and handed it to Brice . " Rub the pup until you hear a noise , please . " During the time this was going on , Joliet had managed to pull another pup from the womb which she handed to Cheyenne . Cheyenne repeated the same procedure as before . Making sure Abbigail was not carrying any more pups and none were stuck in the birth canal , Joliet finished the procedure amongst the cries of small pups . Now I mentioned that this was only the beginning of a sad chain of events and it was just that . About a month or two after Granny 's death , our family cat , Shadow , started getting very weak and sick . I was the first one to notice that her stomach was bloated and she didn 't act like she felt good . One day while my brother and I were at school , my mom took her to the vet . She either had fluid in her stomach or she had cancer . This news was heartbreaking to me . So , instead of making her suffer we decided it would be best euthanize her . The night before we did she slept on my bed and I thought she was ready to go on her own ; I wanted her to go on her own . I kept telling her it was okay and that Granny would be waiting for her , but she just refused to let go . I stayed up all night with her and in the morning I carried her into the vet 's office and I laid her down on the table . The vet came in then and she was very nice . She told us all about what we could do with her body , we could keep it and bury her or they 'd cremate her . We couldn 't keep her because we had nowhere to bury her , so we had to let them cremate her . She gave us time alone to say goodbye and I don 't think I 'd cried that much since Granny 's funeral . The rest of the day we all stayed home and grieved . Joliet wiped more tears away from her eyes . Why was it so hard to write about this when it happened so long ago ? She knew why , time doesn 't heal all wounds . Yes , they 're less painful , but they 're always there and always waiting to be let loose again . She sighed and continued typing . Nothing happened the rest of 2009 , but in January of 2010 my cousin Michael passed away unexpectedly . We saw him in Wal - Mart one day and two days later , we got a phone call saying he was gone . It was unbelievable . He 'd had an underlying heart condition that no one knew about . It shocked everyone that this loveable and caring and all around great guy was suddenly gone . Everything that happened just seemed so depressing and unreal at the time . I didn 't realize ' til much later that I had sunken into a deep depression and I 'd been finding ways to hurt myself to " control " the pain . At the time , it seemed like a good idea . But , enough about the bad things that happened during my teen years , I want to tell you about the wonderful thing that happened to me in 2008 . Joliet was startled by a loud noise coming from one of the bedrooms down the hall . Her oldest , and only daughter , Annabelle was now awake and blaring some of her favorite music . Joliet got up from her study and walked down the hall to Annabelle 's room and opened the door quietly . Her daughter was up cleaning her room and dancing while she was doing it . The child had OCD almost as bad as she did . Annabelle turned down her stereo , " Mornin ' Mom . Did I wake you ? " " Oh , umm , no . I was just writing and heard your music and thought I 'd pop in to tell you good morning . " " Oh , well , okay then . I 'm going to finish cleaning and then I 'll go eat something , okay ? " " That sounds good baby girl . Don 't forget to say hi to your dad and little brother or brothers if Emmett ever wakes up . " Joliet then walked over to Annabelle and kissed her forehead . " I can 't believe you 're going to be going to college soon . " Annabelle smiled , " I know , I know Mom . Now , go back to writing . " Joliet walked out and closed the door behind her , but instead of going back to her study , she walked to Emmett 's room and knocked on the door . No answer . He was sixteen and thought he could sleep ' til noon . Instead of waking him and causing an argument , she just went back to her study and sat at her desk where she continued typing . The one wonderful thing that I can tell you helped my get through my teenage years comes in the form of a person . Sometime during the end of May , I was on the internet using my cell phone and I found some random site . Once I 'd created a profile , I started talking to some people in chat rooms . As is the case with most chat sites , some of the people were pure jerks , but then a name popped up that asked " Does anyone like Rascal Flatts ? If you do I . M . me " . The post caught my attention , so I messaged him and that 's where it all starts . He was a city boy from San Antonio , Texas who loved country music . We talked for what seemed like hours that night . I think we stayed up ' til 4 or 5 in the morning . We instantly clicked and from then on we talked every day . On June 3rd , 2008 he asked me to be his girlfriend and I immediately said yes . Little did I know how much he 'd come to mean to me . The young man that I now called my boyfriend was Michael Edmund . He was the sweetest and most caring person I 'd met in my life . He always knew when something was wrong and he always knew just what to say to make me smile . About a week after we 'd gotten together , we told each other " I love you " and we meant it . I knew from then on that if I ever dated after him , it wouldn 't be as magical . Some of you may say that it was only teenage love , but I can tell you right now that it wasn 't . During the first few months of our relationship we had " month anniversaries " and we got to know each other . He knew more about me than any other human had ever known before . I trusted him , which was hard for me to do after my dad . Joliet looked up from the screen and glanced at the clock . It was now almost 7 : 30 and she decided it was time for a break . She could stay here and write all day , but she had plenty of time before it needed to be done . She saved the file and password protected it before exiting her study and going to Emmett 's room . Hearing guitar music coming through the door was a sure sign that her oldest son was now awake . Joliet knocked on the door and waited until he opened the door . " Mornin ' Mom . Did ' ya need something ? " " Nope , just came to ask if you wanted anything for breakfast . I 'm going downstairs now to cook for your brother and sister , if she 's still here . " She was worried he 'd say no , like all the other mornings , but he surprisingly said otherwise . " Sure Mom . I 'll be down in a few , and I think Belle 's still here . " Seeing the surprise on her face , he leaned over and kissed her cheek causing her to smile . " Okay , well , I 'll go start on breakfast then . " After being thoroughly shocked by her son 's attitude this morning , Joliet made her way downstairs to start breakfast for the kids . She glanced in the living room and saw that Annabelle had gotten caught in a tickle war . She smiled and called out , " I 'm making breakfast for y ' all . I 'm glad you 're working up an appetite . " Amongst the laughter , she heard an " Okay Mom " . She chuckled and continued on towards the kitchen . Joliet paused at the refrigerator and glanced inside ; good , she had pancake mix . All of the kids loved her pancakes . She pulled the box of Aunt Jemima 's out of the fridge along with the carton of eggs . Pancakes and scrambled eggs would give the children plenty of energy for the day . While she cooked their breakfast , she fixed herself a glass of cool iced tea . Once everything was done cooking , she fixed each of the plates , and she put whipped cream smiley faces on each stack of pancakes . After setting the plates down at the table , she noticed for the first time how quiet it was . She glanced back into the living room and what she saw made her smile ; her husband and their children were praying together . She watched and when she heard the soft " Amen " , she walked in and laid a kiss on her husband 's cheek . " Breakfast is served kids . " As they made their way to the kitchen , she sat down on her husband 's lap to rest for awhile . He just put his arms around her and held her close , knowing she needed the rest . Joliet must have dozed off because she didn 't remember hearing the kids leave , but she was laying on the couch , covered in a throw blanket . She stretched and then went to the kitchen where she heard some noise . Her handsome husband was washing the dishes and putting them away before he had to go to work . He hadn 't heard her come in , so she snuck up behind him and put her arms around his waist . He turned and kissed her nose playfully , " Almost done here , then I need to get ready for work . " Joliet sighed ; she 'd have the house to herself again today . " Okay , I 'll be in my study if you need me . " Before she left though , he grabbed her waist and pulled her close , giving her a long , slow kiss . " I love you . " Joliet smiled , " I love you too . Now get busy or you 'll be late for work . " She started to walk out of the kitchen , but when she made it to the door she turned around and watched him for awhile . After watching him for five minutes or so , Joliet left and went upstairs to her study . She booted up the laptop , opened her story , and began typing . How one country backwoods girl could find an angel is beyond me . I 've told him many times what an angel he is to me and every time he always says " Only to you baby girl . " Always . It was one of those special things I loved about him from the beginning . Our relationship was perfect at first , no , it was amazing . I was in a daze for the first few months of our relationship I 'm sure . Alas , no long - distance relationship is perfect . It was all my imagination . Every relationship for that matter goes through their ups and downs … long distance just makes it that much harder . The fights started happening as they do in most relationships . It was nothing major , you know ? Just minor disagreements that blew up into something more . Upon getting together , we never realized just how stubborn we both were . We butt heads … A LOT . Joliet grimaced remembering this small detail in her life . She hated it , but knew that it was a part of her history too . Beginning to get a small migraine , she saved the file and closed the computer without a care to continue writing any longer . Michael Edmund was nothing but a memory to her now , and she didn 't feel like dredging up those painful memories on this particular morning , when her life seemed so normal . How funny to think back now and realize the fact . My name is Joliet . I 'm a small - town North Carolina sweetheart . Little did I know that at the age of thirteen , almost fourteen , my life would change forever . I met this amazing young man on a chat site one night , much by accident . Wait , I 'm getting ahead of myself here . Let me start over … My name is Joliet Ruby . I was born and raised in good ' ole North Carolina . Since I was a young girl , I 've always wanted to be a veterinarian . I grew up much like many small - town kids do , with more " parents " and " grandparents " than you could hope to imagine . My family 's always had problems , but whose family doesn 't ? My parents are divorced , and my father has been remarried too many times to count . I remember as a little girl playing with my dad and little brother , yet those happy times also include sad times . When my parents argued , when my dad left taking my brother for awhile … this may sound bad , but I had a happy childhood . My childhood was indeed happy , however I can 't say the same about my early teenage years . So much happened during that time it 's almost hard to comprehend . One day I came home from school only to have a ' talk ' with my Momma ; I couldn 't stay home alone anymore . Why ? My father was Bipolar and she was scared he 'd try to do something . Needless to say I was shocked . How could MY dad have a mental illness that had no cure ? ! I stayed at my Granny 's house from then on when my mom wasn 't home . I looked up Bipolar whenever I got the chance , and I helped take care of my Granny . You see , not only was my father sick , my Granny had been sick for a long time and wasn 't getting any better . She had diabetes and it was slowly killing her . She 'd already had a liver transplant because of it and now she needed a kidney transplant . Watching her get weaker each day took a major toll on me ; she was like my second mother . Joliet glanced up from her computer screen . In this century it made sense to type instead of write , but oh how she missed the feel of the pen touching the paper . She blinked , clearing her thoughts and looked at the clock . It was three in the morning . Noticing for the first time how tired she was , Joliet saved the file . After closing down the laptop and hiding it , she exited her study and slowly made her way down the hall . She stopped to check on her sleeping children and found them out like a light . She smiled to herself knowing in her heart these children were her blessings . Joliet continued down the hall and quietly entered her room . Slipping gently into the bed , she was asleep before her head hit the pillow . The next morning she was up before anyone else in the house . She glanced at the clock ; 5 a . m . She 's only been asleep for two hours . She suddenly felt the need to write so she quickly and quietly eased herself out of bed and made her way down to the study . Carefully , she removed her laptop from its hiding place . While waiting for it to boot up , Joliet glanced out the window . She 'd been blessed in this life ; she was sure of it . The laptop caught her attention with a minor " ding " to signal the need for a password . Joliet punched in the password and waited until the home screen was up before clicking on the icon that read " Story " . After reading what she 'd written so far , she started typing , adding more to the story . My Granny was the one person that I could talk to about anything ; she was the one who use to cuddle with my cousin and I and read us bedtime stories , complete with the different voices . I didn 't realize then that memories like that would mean so much to me in the near future . My Granny had to go to dialysis three times a week because her kidneys weren 't working correctly . Every day she had dialysis , I was scared for her . It sucked the life out of her . We started saying ' Good ' days were the ones without dialysis . It was pure torture just to watch what it did to her ; I can 't even begin to imagine what it felt like to BE her in that situation . The beginning of a few sad years came on July 31st , 2009 . My mom got a call really late at night / early in the morning from my Granny . Rule # 1 in our house : Late night calls or early morning calls are bad news . Little did we know how bad this call actually was . This call is one that tore my whole world apart as it did for the rest of my family ; my Granny had had a massive heart attack . After she 'd been taken to the hospital , they put her on a vent and everything . Later when everyone got to the hospital , excluding me , they were taking her in for more tests . I regret not going that day because that was the last time anyone heard her voice ever again . When she saw everyone she said , " Oh , hey . . " . My Granny passed away on August 1st , 2009 . Together as a family we decided to take her off of the ventilator and everything ; she didn 't want it anyway . At her funeral , we played " Go Rest High On The Mountain " by Vince Gill and to this day I still can 't listen to it without crying . Joliet wiped tears away from her eyes and felt a hand on her shoulder . Her husband and true love stood there , " I thought I might find you here . Are you okay baby girl ? " Quickly saving and closing the file , she look up at him . " How long have you been standing there ? " " Not long . " Joliet looked at the clock ; 5 : 30 A . M . She must have woken him when she got out of bed . " Want some breakfast ? " , she said with a forced smile . Looking at him , she already knew the answer even before he said the words . " Sure baby . " He then held out his hand to her just as he always did , but instead of letting her start walking to the kitchen he pulled her close and hugged her tight . " I love you . " Joliet 's throat closed up with emotion because he always knew just what to say , he 'd always known just what to say . They stood hugging for a few minutes until he finally let her go and took her hand once again . Hand in hand , they walked down the stairs and to the kitchen where Joliet was shocked . He 'd already cooked breakfast for the two of them and it was her favorite . She looked at him and he just shrugged , " I got up when you did , but figured you needed time alone so I decided to cook us something . " Instead of answering , she walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek . " Thank you baby . It looks delicious . " They sat down at the table and enjoyed a nice breakfast together in a comfortable silence . Once they 'd both finished eating , they put the dishes in the sink and went to watch television . By this time , their youngest child , Kayden , was wide awake and bounding down the stairs with more energy than anyone should have at this time in the morning . Joliet smiled at her husband and went to meet their son at the bottom of the stairs . When he saw his mother , Kayden , who was eight at the time , jumped into her arms and gave her a big hug . " Good mornin ' mommy " " Good morning sweetie , " she said as she carried him into the living room . She set him down on the floor and he immediately went to his father , " Morning Daddy ! " Joliet sat down on the couch and watched the two of them talk and play for what seemed like hours . It was 6 : 30 before Kayden realized his favorite show was on . He stopped playing with his dad and curled up to watch TV . Watching the two of them curled up together made Joliet smile and she quietly slipped away to her study to write some more . |
Introduction : John , Kelsy and Brenda have fun as the two girls share John , Kelsy wants to go take pictures of Trains , and Brenda might have a boyfriend in her near future as we are introduced to another one of Johns many railfan friends , Jack . I know Jason , Scott , Shelby and Emily have not had a large role recently , but they will be making a return in the next chapter with a larger role , and there will be 2 additional series that I will be writing about their relationships as well . Finding Love Along the Tracks Chapter 7 - Chasing Trains The next morning , John woke up to every man 's fantasy . On his right , he had the love of his life , Kelsy , and to his left , was a girl that his family rescued from her father after he got her pregnant when they black mailed her . Now she was living with him , and was 4 and a half weeks pregnant with his child . The previous night , the girls conspired against him , and Kelsy gave him permission to have unlimited access to Brenda 's pussy as much he wanted , until she found a loving boyfriend who loved her for who she was . He wanted to cuddle with them more , but he really had to use the bathroom . He was in the middle of them , so he had to carefully pull himself out from under the blankets , and get to the foot of the bed in order to get to the toilet . It took him a few minutes , but he managed to extract himself . As he relieved himself , he thought about the events that occurred last night . He loved Kelsy with all his heart , and he knew that she did the same because she was trusting him to sexually please Brenda without falling in love with her . He knew however , that when she found someone , he will no longer have access to her body , but he will still have Kelsy , and in reality , that 's all he needed . We walked back into the room and saw that the girls were still under the sheets where he had left them . He decided that he would let them sleep in after last nights events and went to his computer to edit his pictures . He started to edit the one he started the day before when both Kelsy and Brenda interrupted him . As he tried to edit the picture , he could not concentrate . His mind was constantly being distracted by Kelsy . He started to seriously think about asking her to marry him and become his wife . He got on the internet and started to search for engagement rings . He knew that it had been only 2 and half months since they had been together as an official couple , but they had known each other for so long , that he knew that they were meant to be together . It already felt like they had been a couple for 6 years already . AS he searched , he became frustrated . He couldn 't really find anything that he liked on eBay , it was mostly cheap stuff from Hong Kong , or pre - owned rings from relationships that went bad , and he did not want to give her a ring from someone else 's failed relationship . None of the rings he saw suited her at all anyway . He heard the girls start to move about behind him , and he closed Internet Explorer as fast as he could so Kelsy would not see what he was looking at . He decided that he would make it a total surprise to her , a " Watchya doing , baby ? " She asked She turned him around in his computer chair and sat down on his lap . She pulled him in for a kiss and told him , " After watching you have sex Brenda , that was all I could dream about last night , baby . I am so horny from watching you two , baby , I really need you in me . " She told him , and pulled him for another kiss . She was already naked , and John was just in his boxers , and he could feel how wet she already was . He kissed her with passion as she reached down and fished his cock out from the slit in his boxers . Once it was out , she started to stroke and him with her soft hand as he let out a moan . " You like that , baby ? " She asked , " Do you want your sexy little girlfriend to keep jerking you baby ? " " Hmm , baby , I love it , I would love it if you kept Jerking me , but I would rather do something else to you . " He replied John grabbed her by the hips and started to grind her pussy against his cock . She could feel how hard he already was , and this just made her hornier than she already was . She really needed his cock in her , however , she knew that she was getting very close to her fertile period . It was either going to be today , or with in the next day or two . She knew it was risky , and that she did want to have a family with him , but she had wanted to wait at least another month before she conceived , but she was so horny that she just had to have him in her pussy . She was moaning even louder now . He was hard as rock and the more he ground against her clit with his cock the wetter her pussy got . He could feel her wetness and his cock was soon wet from her fluids . " Fuck your girl baby , give her your cock , fuck me right here in this chair , baby . " She begged . She could no longer contain herself , and the high risk of getting pregnant was forgotten about . He lifted her up and she lined his cock up with her pussy , and she sank down on him . She felt him go deep and she thought that he was probably deeper then he had ever been before . He felt so good in her . She looked into his eyes with her emerald eyes and looked at him lovingly . She knew that if today was indeed her fertile day , that she would soon be carrying his child . " Oh , god baby , do you like my tight little pussy on your huge , cock ? " She asked him in her sexy voice . " I really do want that , sweetie . I want nothing more than to have a family with you , even if we are not yet married . " He said as he ground her hips against his . " Fuck me baby , knock up , give me your baby , I want your cum in me , oh god , yes , fuck me ! " She rambled . He was grinding her clit against his cock as they fucked , and the talk about knocking her up made him pick up the pace . He really did want a family , and he really did want her as his wife . He continued to grind her against him as took a nipple into her mouth and started to give it the attention it was begging for . She let out a moan , feeling his mouth on her nipple and his cock grinding into her pussy . The pleasure was too much and she let out a scream that she had to cover with her mouth so she would not wake up his parents . She started to cum hard on his cock and pressed his head hard against her breast as she got off . She felt herself get even wetter as she squirted onto his balls and onto the computer chair . She finally relaxed enough and he continued to grind into her pussy . " Is this a two player game or can I join in ? " Brenda asked . Their love making woke her up , and she was very horny after hearing them . " Come here , you . " John said . Brenda walked over , and took one of his hands and put it between her legs . He started to finger her clit as he let Kelsy take over the grinding of his cock . Brenda then took on her sexy voice . " You like my pussy , you love how you shot your cum deep inside it and made me pregnant ? Do you want to give me more children as well and dump as many loads of cum as you want in me ? " She kept asking . " Cum in her pussy , John . I want you to make her a mom like I will be ! I will have a boy and you will have a girl , they will fall in love and give us grandchildren . " Brenda whispered in his ear . John was loving this talk of getting Kelsy pregnant . It was making him harder then he ever felt before . He did not know what got into them , but he was loving the idea more and more about being a father . Kelsy ground her pussy harder . She had her eyes shut tight and her mouth open in a silent scream as another orgasm swept through her body . The feeling of Johns cock buried deep in her and grinding on her clit , Brenda telling him to cum in her pussy and knock her up , and knowing that for the next three days , she would be fertile , was causing her to cum harder than normal . John could tell that she was cumming harder as well , because it seemed like ever 10 seconds or more , he could feel her squirting on his balls . " Cum for me baby ! Give it to me ! Oh god , YES ! JOHN ! Fuck me ! Give me your seed ! Shoot it in my fertile pussy ! " She screamed Brenda held Johns hand in between her legs and he fingered her pussy as Kelsy was cumming hard on his cock , and pretty soon , Brenda stiffened her body as she had her own orgasm . John could feel his cum starting to boil in his balls . He pulled his hand away from Brenda and grabbed Kelsy 's hips and started grinding her harder . He looked at Kelsy in her emerald eyes and told her , " I am going to cum baby , I am going to shoot my baby makers deep into your womb and give you our first child , baby . " He pulled her down for another passionate kiss . Hearing this , Kelsy had her most powerful orgasm to date , and John could feel it with how hard her pussy spasmed and clamped down on his cock . This drove him over the edge , and he let out a groan and fired his cum deep into Kelsy 's womb . " YES ! OH GOD , BABY , I FEEL YOU CUMMING ! GIVE ME YOUR CUM ! " She cried out . John held her still as he pumped a massive load deep into her . He did not know if the two of them were talking about getting her pregnant to increase their pleasure or if she was serious about having a baby , but it had worked . It felt like he would never stop cumming . Eventually , after about 10 seconds , he did stop , and his cock was just twitching inside her . Kelsy looked into his teal eyes . She loved the way his eyes looked after they made love . She cuddled into him as she felt his cum and cock deep inside her as he held her . The love making they just had wore her out , and she started to fall asleep . John picked her up , his cock still buried in her and carried her to the bed where he laid her down . He cock finally slipped out , and it was instantly followed by a torrent of cum . Brenda came up to him and wrapped her arms around him . He could feel her gentle breathing on his neck . " You really fucked her good this morning , John " she said . " I don 't know , they are getting older , they had her when her mom was 41 , so I don 't think they would mind having a Grandchild now , her mom is going to be 60 next year , and her father is already 61 . " " Well , I don 't really know what to say about that , just that I hope it works out for the two of you . " John could feel her tits against his back as he watched Kelsy sleep . He knew that Kelsy gave her permission to have sex with Brenda , and the feeling of her breasts was making him want her . Even though he just had amazing sex with Kelsy , he was now wanting Brenda . He turned around and gave her a passionate kiss . She did not expect him to kiss her , but she returned the kiss . He pushed her down on to the bed next to Kelsy , with her legs over the side of the bed . She let out a slight yelp when she felt him force her legs apart . The next thing she knew , he had his head between her legs and was licking her wet pussy . As he licked , he could taste his own cum still in her from the night before . It gave her a different taste , not an unpleasant one , but different . Brenda put her hands in his hair as he stuck his tongue into her as she let out a satisfied moan . He was a talented lover , and knew that he would please her . She wish she did not have to find another guy to be with , because she loved the way he got her to cum . John moved his tongue out of her , and started to attack her clit . The feeling of him sucking on her clit right after shoving his tongue into her caused her to shudder from the sudden attention on her sensitive nub . She grabbed his hair and felt a sudden wave of pleasure wash over her body as she had a series of mini - orgasms as he sucked and licked on her clit . John removed his mouth and slid up her body . As he sucked and played on her nipples , she could feel his cock , still wet with cum from both Kelsy and himself , rubbing against her pussy . " John , let me suck your cock , I want to taste Kelsy on you . " She told him . John got up and pulled her up with him . She looked up at him as she took his cock in her hands and started to stroke it . " I love how big you are , sexy . " She said with a smile . She looked down at the head of his cock and gave the head of his cock a lick , and right away , she could taste the two of them . She liked the taste of her new lover and his girlfriend on his cock . To her , it tasted like a Pina Colada . She liked the taste and started to lick down his cock to his balls . She could see how big they were , and she knew that they were full of cum that will soon be shooting into her pussy . John let out a sigh as she felt her tongue running down his cock to his balls . He wished that she would take them into her mouth like Kelsy did whenever she gave him a blowjob . She did not , but kept licking up and down his cock . He could tell that she was loving the taste of Kelsy and his cum on his cock . She looked up at him after a couple of minutes of licking him . He saw her brown eyes and noticed how pretty they were . Before he could say anything , she took his cock and sucked it into her mouth . He gasped when she felt how hard she was sucking on him , almost as strong as it was when Kelsy had her small mouth on his member . He rested his hands on her shoulders as she did her best to give him a great blowjob . John looked over at Kelsy and noticed that she was now awake and watching them . She saw Brenda going down on him and she smiled . She knew that she was giving him pleasure , and that 's what she wanted for him . John returned the smile and mouthed " I love you " to her . She could read his lips and blew him a kiss in response . He looked down at Brenda and saw that she was really enjoying having his cock in her mouth , but he wanted to be in her pussy even more . He pulled her mouth off his cock and she looked up at him . She gave him a small frown when he pulled his delicious cock from her mouth . Before she could say anything though , he pushed her back onto the bed and pulled her hips to the edge of the bed , putting her legs on his shoulders . " And why do you think I need that ? " She retorted . He knew that she was playing hard to get , but was not attempting to stop him . He answered her by lining his cock up with her pussy , and he started to push into her . She gasped as she felt him stretching her pussy again . She loved how big he was and how he filled her up perfectly . She looked up and smiled at him , then looked over to see if Kelsy was still asleep , and saw her watching them . " Are you enjoying my boyfriends cock ? " She asked John looked over at his girlfriend , and she gave him an approving nod , giving him permission to fuck their friend until he came . He started to thrust into her with long , steady strokes . Every time he pulled back , he only left the head of his cock in her , then he shoved it all the way back in her . The way he was fucking her was so much different than when they had blackmailed her . " Oh god , please John , go faster " She begged . John , ignored her , and kept up his pace . He was enjoying her pussy . She may not have been as tight as his Kelsy , but she still felt good buried in her . He looked over at his girlfriend , and saw that she had started to rub her clit . The show that the two of them were giving her was really turning her on . " Please , go faster ! " Brenda begged even more . She started to thrust her hips into his cock . She really needed him to go faster so she could cum . He still kept up his pace . " Please , I need to cum ! " She announced Brenda then remembered the night that the two of them had sex . She remembered that she was his sex slave , and that she needed to call him master and beg him to let her cum . Remembering this made her even hornier , and was making want to cum even more . The thought of being his slave was really turning her on . " Yes , master ! Please ! I need it hard and fast ! " John looked over at Kelsy and and she shook her head yes . He knew that she wanted to hear her scream as he fucked her hard . John moved her legs off of his shoulder , and pushed them to where her knees where up against her breasts . She immediately felt that he was going deeper into her , and right away , she felt him start to pound harder and faster into her pussy . " Oh god , YES ! FUCK YOUR SLAVE ! FUCK HER GOOD ! " She cried out . John was pounding into her as hard and as fast as he could . What happened next , surprised him , as Kelsy reached her hand down to his cock to feel him pounding into Brenda . John could feel the additional pressure and this got him going even more . Brenda all of a sudden stiffened as she cried out in passion as her orgasm swept over her . Her pussy contracted onto his cock , and the feeling of her cumming ond Kelsy 's fingers on his cock as he pumped into Brenda drove him over the edge . He felt his cum racing up his shaft for the second time that morning , and he exploded into her . " YES ! Cum in your slave ! Cum in me , Master ! " She cried out as she felt his cum splashing inside her , making her cum hard as well . She did not squirt like Kelsy did , but he could still feel her tighten her pussy on him as he continued to deliver his cum into her pussy . He did not cum as much as he did when Kelsy was riding his cock earlier , as he gave her most of it . He ended up giving Brenda what he had left that was not delivered to Kelsy 's pussy earlier that morning . John kept still , letting Brenda come down from her orgasm before he pulled out . Kelsy got up and gave him a passionate kiss . " I love you , baby , with all my heart . " She said " I love you too , Kelsy . " He replied as he returned the kiss . They looked down to Brenda and saw the she had passed out . The both chuckled because they knew that he had made her pass out from when she rode his cock earlier . John finally pulled his cock out of Brenda 's well fucked pussy . He had enjoyed himself , and he got really turned on by Kelsy telling him to cum in her and give her a baby . He know started to think hard about what she meant when she said that . " Come on , baby , we need to shower . " Kelsy said . She got up and wrapped herself in a towel before they walked down the hall to the bathroom . When they reached the bathroom , John got the water started as Kelsy stripped off the towel she had worn . She did not know why she did , after all , it was a weekday and his parents already had gone to work . He took her into his arms and gave her a kiss . " Kelsy , my love , I really want you to know how much I love you . Even though you are letting Brenda and I have sex , I just want you to know how important you are to me . " He told her " I love you , John , I never knew how much you loved me until the night you saved me from Derek . I knew the morning after that I had been in love with you all this time , but did not realize it . You are the most wonderful man I have met , and I know that sharing you will not damage our relationship . " She replied He gave her a kiss and led her into the shower . As they let the water run over them , he pulled her in for another passionate kiss . Kelsy sensed where this was going , but stopped him . She was too sore from the previous night and that morning . John was a little disappointed , but he loved her and he knew what " No " meant , unlike some other men that would have forced her , namely Derreck . He helped her wash her back , and he took the shower head and held it over her when she was washing her hair . When she was done , they switched places . This was the first time they showered together , and to his surprise , she washed him , washing his hairs and his body . His girlfriend , it seemed , will never stop surprising him . When they were finished , he gave her a kiss and she got out of the shower to dry off . He let the water run over him as he took his razor to shave . It did not take him long , and he was done in a couple of minutes . He turned off the water and got out as Brenda walked in . " Thanks , sexy , after last night and a few minutes ago , I will need a shower as well . " She playfully said . " Be careful , or you might be taking showers more often . " He winked as he dried off . He walked out of the bathroom back to his room where Kelsy was already . John knew that she had an interest in trains like he did , and that she had a couple of N scale ( 1 : 220 scale ) models on his layout as well . He knew that she enjoyed being at the station with him , but he thought that was about as much as she would want to do . But here she was , asking him to show her some of his other favorite places to watch trains . " What about Brenda ? " He asked " Do you think that she would want to ? You know she really does not understand why we both like trains . I know you grew to like them because I did . " He responded " More of a reason to take her , she needs to understand why we do . " John agreed , she did need to understand them more if she was really wanting to go out with a railfan . The two of them started to get ready . They would be wearing casual clothes , So John put on a pair of shorts and a T - Shirt with a small Alton and Southern logo on it . They were almost finished when Brenda came back in after getting dressed after her shower . Brenda thought about it for a moment . She did not feel like going anywhere that day . " I will pass for today , I am still tired from last night and today . John took a - lot out of me . " She responded . " I will , but I feel like just staying her today . Besides , I can use your computer to learn more about the hobby as well . " She really did not feel like going out as she had a very busy few days . Kelsy saw that she did look exhausted , even though she did have a refreshing shower . She told him that it is okay , and the two of them could just go alone and make it a date . He quickly agreed . John grabbed his camera , he was not going to bother taking video , as he was going to concentrate on showing her how to properly use her new camera . They walked down stairs so they could head out . Brenda was already down there and was in the kitchen when they walked in . " You two be safe , I don 't want to loose my best friend and her lover . " She told them After John had started the car , he plugged his scanner into the Auxiliary Jack so they could listen to the scanner through the cars radio . There was not much chatter , and it seemed like the UP line to Jefferson City was dead . He knew then that they would not be distracted by anything coming towards the station . He pointed the car south on Kirkwood road and headed to Interstate 44 . He was not going to bother with Dupo , as there was not much action there on a Monday . He was going to show her his 4 favorite places to watch trains . Kelsy smiled and held his hand as they rolled up I - 44 . As they came into Shrewsburry , they passed the BNSF Lindenwood Yard . There was not much there , but Kelsy had her camera ready and took some quick shots of the yard through the windshield as they passed . John smiled because the first time he passed the yard with a camera , he did the same thing has his dad drove them to a Cardinals game . They were soon crossing the Poplar Street bridge into Illinois , the last time the two of them crossed this bridge , they were being chased by Derrick . That seemed like ages ago . He got off the interstate and headed east on Illinois 15 . All too soon , they had arrived at their first stop . He pulled up to one of the access roads and they could see the downtown St . Louis skyline , and had a good overview of the yard . There was not much happening at the moment , but that would pick up after about an hour . Kelsy blushed . She knew that she was more than likely in her fertile time , and that he most likely got her pregnant this morning . She could not lie to him as she loved him with all of her heart . " Baby , to be honest , I don 't want to wait to start a family . I think you may have gotten me pregnant this morning though , because I know my periods come like clockwork , and I have figured out when my fertile times are . " She responded " I have never been on Birth Control . I never needed it to control my periods . I knew when I was safe and when I would not get pregnant , but this morning , I was so horny , I could not help myself . That 's when I decided that I wanted a family with you now instead of waiting to he married . " She told him John looked out the window at the expanse of the yard . The only thing moving was the cut of freight cars being shoved over the hump to be sorted into the proper tracks by gravity . Nothing special . He thought for a moment . Should he be mad that she held back that she was never on birth control , or should he be happy that she wanted a family with him . He decided that he should not be angry with her , because he knew that eventually , they would have children anyway . He decided to accept the fact that she was more than likely pregnant . John looked at her and smiled . " Why should I be , baby ? I mean , I should be because you never told me that you were not taking birth control , but the more I thought about it , I became happier because I know that we would have eventually had children . So , if you are pregnant , I will be very excited . " He told her . This gave her a smile . She tried to get close to him so she could cuddle as they waited for the first train to come by them . From what they heard on the scanner , the closest train was about 20 minutes away . This gave her an idea . " Hardly anyone comes out here . At this time of day , the only people out here would be the two men in the hump tower over there . " he replied . He looked at her and saw that she had an evil grin on her face . Before he knew what was happening , she took her hand and started to rub his cock through his pants . He was not hard , but she knew that would change really fast . John looked at her . He never knew that she would risk being seen . " I thought you did not want anymore today ? " He asked She used her one hand to pull the elastic band down below his balls , exposing his hardening cock . She took it in her hand and started to stroke it . She could feel it getting bigger in her hand as she played with him . John laid his head back onto the head rest of the car . Her soft hand was gripping his cock as she stroked him . She would vary her speed , teasing him and she knew what he liked and how to get him off , as this was not the first hand job she had given him . She watched him as she stroked his cock . His face was contorted as her soft , delicate hand stroked him . She didn 't want anyone to catch them , so she gripped him tighter and started to stroke him faster . She knew what to do to get him off fast , and it seemed to be working . Pretty soon she could feel his cock start to swell . From his heavy breathing , she knew that he was about to cum . She bent over to put the head of his cock into her mouth . She sucked on it while pumping his cock with her hand . She was right , because she felt him grab her hair . He bucked his hips up as a groaned as his cum shot into her mouth . She swallowed after ever shot so none of it would leak out from her lips . Once John was finished cumming , she pulled the waist band back over his cock . She looked at him and saw that he was still in a daze . She laughed and leaned over to give him a kiss . He looked over at her and smiled , then he noticed something . Right behind her , and slowly coming up the closest track was a train . " TRAIN ! " He yelled as he grabbed his camera and hopped out . He was a bit fast because the train was not moving that fast as it was within the yard limits . The locomotive on the point was a CSX in the new Dark Blue and gold scheme that the railfans have started to call the " Dark Future " scheme , while the previous scheme of Yellow , Blue and Grey was called " Bright Future . " Kelsy got out of the car , and she managed to get a couple of pictures with the camera set on Auto . They got back into the car once the locomotives had passed and John started to explain more about the camera and what each function was for . She listened carefully to everything he had to say , and she learned very quickly . Over the next hour , she managed to get some spectacular , pictures of each train as it passed . They got bored with the A & S and decided it was time to move on to the next location . He drove up to Venice , Illinois where the the Terminal Yard was located . John decided to drive over the bridge of the yard first to see if there was anything worth stopping for before they got out to walk up onto the bridge . Like he predicted , there was nothing really special there to photograph . He decided to go on to WR Tower . John pulled off to the side of the road in front of a vacant lot that was used to hold privately owned passenger cars . He could tell there was a green signal for a northbound on one of the tracks . He tried to listen to the scanner to find out what was coming , but he did not hear a thing . He put the car into park and decided they would wait for it . Kelsy smiled . She knew that he would understand . She decided that the subject had taken its course and to keep talking about it would be like beating a dead horse . He really was okay with it . " I asked her the same thing . She was really upset with that fact that there is a one in three chances that it was him who knocked her up . " he replied " She started going on about having an abortion if it was his . " " I hope she does not abort the baby . " She sighed . She was against abortion , but every fetus deserved a chance at life . " I talked her out of it . She is going to have a DNA test of the fetus at her first doctors visit in a couple of weeks . If it is indeed her fathers , then she will just give the child up for adoption . " " That was exactly the same thing she said . " " But , are you comfortable with her living there ? I mean , I already gave you permission to have sex with her , whether or not I am there , but do you think you could stand helping her take care of a baby ? " " I wouldn 't mind . But I am going to be trying to hook her up with a buddy of mine , Jack . He is similar to me , so , if they end up becoming a couple , I think he would rather help her care for the baby . " " I would like to think that he is . I have known him for a while , we met at the station . He seems like a very nice guy . " " Yeah , I have all of my friends numbers in my phone . " " Then call him , call him right now . " She was getting a little bit excited that he may have the perfect guy for Brenda . Even though she was okay with him having sex with her , she still was not comfortable about the whole idea , even though it lead to great sex earlier that morning . John reached for his phone and started to scroll through his contacts . He thought that now would be the best time to introduce her to him . He finally found Jack 's contact and he pressed send to call him and put the phone on speaker . " Really ? Have not seen anything yet , its been a slow day . Hey , Kelsy and I are going to head your way , I need to ask you something as well , and I think you will like what I am going to ask . . " John explained " We are just heading north , we will see it , but not here . Jack and a few others are in Mitchel , so we are going to talk to him in person about Brenda . " He replied . Kelsy wondered if Jack was really as nice as John made him out to be . If he was , then maybe she could have him all to herself again . After all , she might be pregnant with his child right now . It took them about 10 minutes to get to Mitchel , and in no time , John found Jack 's car . They also noticed that William was there as well , but they did not see Danielle with him . They were standing against Jack 's 1997 Buick talking . They both looked over to see John and Kelsy pull up . The two of them walked over to their car as they got out . Kelsy rolled her eyes . She knew that everyone one of his friends were going to say the exact same thing , because so far , everyone has said the exact same thing . She just sighed and let it pass . Jack noticed her roll her eyes and sigh , and thought it was something he said . John just laughed , because every time they ran into one of his friends and they found out they were now a couple , they would say the exact same thing . " So , I guess you noticed the locomotive behind me , didn 't you ? " William said . He did not think that they noticed yet because Jack was admiring John 's car . John looked behind him , and is eye 's widened . He went to go grab is camera , and once it was in hand , he basically ran , well , more of a fast walk , to get his picture . Right there on the point of a train getting ready to leave was the Union Pacific # 3300 , the Red , White and Blue with Stars all over the short , low hood . The 3300 was specially painted back in the mid 1990 's to promote the United Way . It was one locomotive that he had never seen . Kelsy followed him over to see why he was all excited , and then she realized why when she saw the 3300 sitting there . She too went back to the car to grab her camera , but she was not in such a rush like John was . They both got their pictures and were just turning around to go back to talk to Jack about Brenda when they heard the GM 16 cylinder , 3 , 000 Horsepower diesel engine rev up in order to get the train moving towards Chicago . As the train was passing them , Jack turned to John . " So , what was so important that you needed to talk to me ? " He asked " Um , excuse me ? Are you talking about Rachel ? " He asked . Rachel had been his only girlfriend , and she left him for a stupid reason , he had gotten her pregnant after they agreed to start a family . He never found out what she had , as she moved to Michigan after she dumped him . " No , not Rachel . Her name is Brenda . She has been abused and broken , and she is currently living with John and his family after he father kicked her out when he found out she was pregnant , and then her boyfriend left her for the same reason . " John Explained " She is a very sweet girl who really needs a man , and not a boy , in her life . She has had a terrible past , and she managed to hide it very well from everyone , considering her popularity at school and also being the cheer leader captain . " John told him " Okay , I can do that , but , I am just wondering , how far along in her pregnancy is she ? " " About a month and a half or so , but we are thinking more like a month . " Kelsy replied " So I will have 8 months to really get to know her then . " He commented . Both John and Kelsy tried to hold back a slight laugh when they heard this , because he did not seem to realize how horny she had become because of her condition . They knew that he would really get to know her on a personal level . Jack decided he would just take I - 270 from Mitchell down to Kirkwood . It was longer , but there would be less of a risk of loosing Jack as he had never been to his place before . It took them about an hour to get back to his place . His parent were home when they arrived . John parked his Charger behind his mom 's mini - van as Jack parked in the street . When they got out , John yelled over to Jack . " Welcome to my home , don 't you dare burn it down ! " Jack just laughed at this as he made his way up to them . " Sweet home , dude . " was all that he managed to say . " Come on , lets go inside so you can meet my parents and Brenda . " He told him as they started to walk towards the door . Once inside , he called out that he was home and that they brought home a friend for dinner . His mom yelled out that they were in the kitchen and to come on in . They walked through the living room and into the kitchen and that 's when Jack first saw Brenda , she was starting to set another setting of dishes for Jack and he could feel his face start to turn red as his heart started to pound when he saw how beautiful she was . John noticed the look on his friends face and he pointed it out to Kelsy . She gave a slight chuckle , as it looked like his jaw was going to drop right off his face . John elbowed him and this brought him back to reality as he quickly closed his mouth . He still could not believe that his friend was going to try to hook him up with this girl that was standing in front of him . " Brenda , meet Jack , Jack , meet Brenda . " Kelsy said . Brenda walked over to their friend , but instead of shaking his hand , she gave him a hug . Jack did not know what to do , he was only expecting to shake her hand , and not for her to give him a hug . The only thing he managed to do was hug her back . He could smell the shampoo in her hair and the smell made him close his eyes as it reminded him of apples . Brenda broke off the hug and she said she was very happy to meet him . Then she looked over at John . " Do you mind if I talk to John in private for a minute ? " She asked . " Yeah , go ahead Brenda . " Kelsy replied . Brenda walked outside and John followed her . He had hoped that he did not upset her in anyway by bringing his friend over for dinner . " I did find it funny that he blushed when he saw me , I thought that was really cute . Can I sit by him during dinner ? " She asked " Well , lets see how is he , and maybe I can leave you and Kelsy alone , but I am not going to rush things , I want to see how things go , and go on a date with him first . Does he know that I am going to be a mother ? " " Yes , I told him everything , but left out that I am the father because of a blackmail , and that your dad had used you as a slave . " He commented Kelsy and Ann had just finished putting the food on the table , as John , his dad and Jack were already sitting down . Brenda went straight for the open seat next to Jack and sat down . She looked over at him and saw him start to blush again . Yup , it was definitely her that was causing this reaction . They enjoyed the grilled chicken that Gary had prepared for them , along with green bean casserole and broccoli with cheese . They shared a nice conversation about Kelsy 's first railfan trip into Illinois and she explained what they saw . She did leave out that she had given him a hand job when they were at the Alton and Southern . Brenda did catch Jack looking at her a few times , and she just smiled when he she did . She did not know much about him , but she got the feeling from being next to him that he was really a sweet guy . As they were finishing dinner , she knew that she wanted to get to know him more . During the meal , they did talk to each other a little bit as the others were talking about Kelsy and her first railfan trip with John . She found out that he lived in Des Peres , about 10 minutes by car just on the other side of the interstate . After they had cleared the Table , she led him out to the patio so they could talk more . She thought that he was actually handsome , and not just cute . They sat down on some chairs as they talked . John and Kelsy saw them talking and they smiled . They knew that it was likely they would get together . When they saw him take her hand in his , they knew that they had made the right choice for her . That is when the decided that they would go out and Join them . Jack and Brenda looked over at them as they walked out . They brought them some drinks to enjoy in the cooling July air . Brenda was all smiles . " Are you two getting along ? " John asked " Treat her right , Jack , and we will have no problems . " John said , giving his friend a stern look . " Remember , she has been abused and hurt a - lot , she does not need another let down . " It was Brenda 's turn to blush . No one had ever called her beautiful before . They continued to talk well into the evening . It was about 9 when Jack said he had to get home . Brenda gave him his phone number and told him to call her tomorrow and she got his as well . She could not wait to talk to him again as she was really starting to liking him . Brenda walked him out to his car , and gave him a hug before he got in and left . " Yes , I gave him a huge smile when he told me that . I never expected someone to be so nice to me the first night I meet them , it has always been the same thing , wanting un my pants . He is a real gentleman . " She continued " I think that would be fun . Who knows , after this Saturday , he may be off limits again . " She told her . " Better take advantage of this ! " The two girls laughed as they headed up stairs to John 's bedroom . He was already in there and was getting ready to change into some night clothes when the girls walked in . The saw that he was just in his boxers . He walked over to Kelsy and gave her a hug . He felt Brenda behind him . He started to Kiss his girlfriend passionately as he reached behind her to embrace her . He could fell Brenda start to kiss and nibble on his neck , and that 's when he figured out that they were going to be having a threesome and he let out a moan at this thought . Kelsy broke off the kiss and lifted her shirt over her head , while Brenda started to gently suck on his neck . He pulled Kelsy back in for another kiss and reached behind her to unfasten her bra . She felt the snap came apart and felt the bra become loose . Brenda helped her push the straps down her arms and removed her bra the rest of the way so she could continue to make out with John . He could immediately feel her breasts against his chest . It was only a few seconds later that he realized that Brenda was not behind him anymore , but a second later , she was back against his him , and he could now feel her bare breasts against his back . John started to suck on Kelsy 's neck and this caused her to moan , something he loved to hear her do . He started to kiss his way down to her breasts . It was a little more difficult since Brenda was pressed against his back , but she realized what he was wanting to do , and backed off of him so he could attack Kelsy 's nipples . Instead of taking a side seat , she moved over to Kelsy and started to kiss her as well . Kelsy was in heaven . Her boyfriend was sucking and playing on her nipples as Brenda was making out with her . She wrapped one of her arms around Brenda 's neck and placed her other hand on the back of John 's head . Brenda meanwhile took one of her hands and slide it into Brenda 's pants and started to rub her pussy . She could feel her getting wetter as she moved her hand against her . John noticed what she was doing and he moved his hands up between Brenda 's legs . She was only wearing a skirt and he easily managed to get his hand against her panty covered pussy . The three of them were really into each other . Kelsy had Brenda kissing her and rubbing her crotJohn took his head away from her nipples . He wanted to get her out of her clothes . He immediately hooked his hands into her pants and shoved them down along with her panties . He did not wait for her to lay down when he got down on his knees and started to attack her pussy with his tongue . The sudden shock of his tongue against her clit caused her to almost loose her balance , but Brenda was there to catch her . Brenda gave her another passionate kiss before she went down to her tits and started to suck on them as well , as John continued to eat her pussy . Kelsy never thought being with John and Brenda would feel so good . She could feel herself approaching another orgasm from John licking her wet pussy when she felt him push two fingers into her . She gasped from the penetration and grabbed his head . She knew that she would not last much longer from this much attention . Sure enough , a few seconds later , another orgasm swept through her body . He wanted her , bad . His cock was rock hard . As he stood up to kiss Kelsy so she could taste herself on his lips , he could feel Brenda slide his boxers down and take his cock into her hand . She started to stroke him as he kissed his girlfriend . Instead of getting on the bed , she got down on her knees and took his cock in her hand as well . The feeling of two hands from two different girls stroking his cock really got him going . " Brenda honey , why don 't you join me and we can both suck on his cock together . " she said . " I think John would really like that . " " I think he would to , as she moved to his front on got on her knees next to Kelsy . Kelsy took his cock and started to suck on the head of his cock as Brenda took his balls into her hand and started to gently play with them . She did not want to squeeze to hard because she started to think of the sex that morning , when she told him that she wanted to see him knock Kelsy up . John moaned at the feeling of the two girls playing with his junk . He could feel Kelsy 's tongue swirl around the head of his cock , then she took him all they way into her mouth . Brenda was amazed that she could get the whole thing in her . She sucked on him for a a minute or so when she pulled his cock out of her mouth . " You try it , honey . " She said , offering her boyfriends cock to her . Brenda responded and took his cock into her mouth without hesitation . She could not get as much as Kelsy could in her mouth , but John was not complaining . He loved the way that both girls went down on him . Kelsy watched as Brenda bobbed her head up and down his cock , trying to get as much as she could , but her gag reflexes prevented her from getting more than 5 inches in . She knew she could not hog his cock to herself , so she pulled it out of her mouth and offered it to Kelsy again . The two girls shared his cock , each taking a couple of minutes sucking on him . The difference of their styles of going down on men were apparent , but this managed to get him going as he could feel his cum boiling in his balls . " I am going to cum soon ! " He announced . " Cum for us baby , spray your cum on our faces . " Brenda replied as Kelsy kept his cock in their mouth . Kelsy heard him say that he was going to cum and pulled his cock out until only the head was still in her mouth . She continued to suck on the head as Brenda took her hand and stroked his cock as well . It took only a few seconds and he grunted as he could feel his cum racing up the shaft os his cock . Kelsy pulled his cock out of her mouth just in time as he started to cum . He shot onto his girlfriends face , and then moved his cock over to Brenda 's . He covered both of their faces with his cum . When he finished , they both laughed . The two of them started to lick his cum off each others faces and in a few minutes , they had all of his cum cleaned up . " I think its time he fucks your pussy , sexy girl . " Brenda said . Kelsy smiled when she said this , as she was ready for him . She wanted his cock deep in her . She got on her hands and knees , lifting her ass up into the air , offering her pussy to John 's massive cock . She looked back at John and gave her that " Please fuck me . " John did not want to make her wait , and he moved behind her . Before he lined his cock up , he spread her ass cheeks apart and gave her pussy and lick , causing his girlfriend to moan . " You have eaten her out enough , big boy , give her that cock of yours " Brenda said . She wanted to watch him fuck Kelsy 's pussy . He got up behind his girlfriend as Brenda moved her hand to his cock , lining it up with Kelsy 's dripping wet pussy . He pushed all the way into her with one thrust , causing her to moan as she felt him slide into her wet pussy . " Please fuck me , John , I am so fucking wet for you ! " Kelsy begged . He did not make her wait as he started to pump into her with long , steady strokes . She started to moan as he filled her pussy up with his cock . She could feel him stretch her pussy wide . She never got tired of how big he was and how much she filled him up . As John was pumping into his girlfriend , Brenda got up and removed her skirt and panties . She wanted some action too . John had already came once and Kelsy had gotton off three or four times , and she had yet to cum . She moved around and laid down in front of Kelsy with her legs spread open . Kelsy responded by grabbing her hips and pulling her closer to her so she could eat out her pussy . Kelsy shoved her tongue into Brenda 's pussy so that every time John thrusted into her pussy , the momentum would cause her to basically tongue fuck her . Both girls started to moan in pleasure as John fucked Kelsy 's pussy and Kelsy tongue fucked Brenda . " Fuck her pussy harder , big boy , make her cum ! " Brenda told him . " Fuck her fast ! " Knowing that Kelsy was going down on her while he fucked her from behind , he grabbed her hips and started to pound into her . This caused Kelsy to scream out into Brenda 's pussy . The vibrations of her screaming caused launched Brenda into a massive orgasm . She came hard and held Kelsy 's head into her pussy . John on the other hand , tried to fuck his girlfriend as hard and as fast as he possible could . This was giving her the maximum amount of pleasure as she kept rocketing into orgasms . She did not squirt as much as this morning , but she was squirting onto his balls basically each time she came . He did not have to be told twice as he had already felt his own orgasm fast approaching . Just as Kelsy finished begging him to cum , he buried his cock as deep as he could into her and shot a massive load into her . Kelsy cried out in pleasure as she felt his sperm splash against her womb . She knew that she would most definitely be pregnant now . John finished cumming and pulled his cock out of her . He noticed this time there was no torrent of cum pouring out of her . He did not care though , because he knew that his cum was in her . He laid down to relax but he did not really have a chance to , because almost as soon as he laid down , Brenda came over and started to lick their combined fluids off of his cock . She did not have to answer because he was reading her mind . She got onto her elbow 's and knees , offering herself to him . Kelsy moved in front of Brenda , spreading her legs wide to give her full access to her pussy . Before John could slide his cock into her pussy , she was already lapping at his girlfriends pussy . He really liked what he saw and he did not hesitate to line his cock up with her wet fuck hole and slide it deep in her like he had done to Kelsy . He knew he would last much longer , but he did not really want to . He had already cum 4 times that day , and he wanted to dump one more load of cum into Brenda before they went to bed . He didn 't think it was fair that everyone got off so much already that evening and she did not , so he was going to fuck her hard and fast to get her off as much as possible . He started to pound into hard and fast , and this launched Brenda into an immediate orgasm . John felt her pussy clamping down on him tight as it could when she came . It was not as tight as Kelsy , but it still felt wonderful feeling her spasm on his cock . He could see his girlfriends face as Brenda ate her pussy . It was contorted as she was experiencing a girl eat her out for the first time and he could see that she really enjoying it , since she was cumming a - lot as from Brenda 's ministrations . John felt Brenda start to thrust her hips backwards as he fucked her . She wanted his cum in her as much as he wanted to give it to her . He reached around her and started to rub her clit as he pounded into her hard and fast . This caused her to launch into yet another massive orgasm , and while she tried to keep herself from screaming , she did a very poor job at it . " How do you like fucking her pussy while she eats my pussy , baby ? " Kelsy asked " Give her your cum baby , I want you to cum deep in her ! Give your child a sperm bath ! " She gasped as another orgasm washed over her body . He kept pounding into Brenda 's pussy as he knew that 's she wanted , and he wanted to give it to her . He felt the familiar sensation of his impending orgasm , and he tried to pound Brenda harder and faster . She was constantly cumming now , and the sensation of his cock slamming into her kept her pussy constantly contracting on his cock . Brenda stopped eating Kelsy 's pussy to cry out her response to his announcement " Yes ! Fuck me ! Yes ! Oh God ! Do it ! Cum in my pussy ! Give it to me ! Oh god , I am cumming again ! " He jammed himself as deep as he could into her pussy and let loose his torrent of cum . He let out a load moan as he felt like the pressure would cause his cock to come off in her pussy . As Brenda felt his cum splash inside of her , she let out a moan into Kelsy 's pussy . Feeling her moan as she sucked on her clit launched her into a powerful orgasm herself , squirting all over Brenda 's face . With all their sexual energy spent , the three of them came down from their orgasm 's and relaxed while they cuddled up against each other . Brenda fell asleep almost immediately but both Kelsy and John were still somewhat awake . " I did , having the two of you at the same time was fantastic . " He replied . " I love you Kelsy , and I always will . " Kelsy smiled . " I love you too , John . " She leaned over and gave him a kiss and laid her head on his chest . She felt safe when she was on his chest , and it felt like he could protect her from any danger that was thrown their way . She was able to comfortably fall asleep in his arms . I shot into my pants over the threesome ! Reminded me of a long time ago when I had two sisters that would wear me out a couple times a week and would do each other as I did them . Hungriest pair I ever knew . |
I 've spent most of the past few days working intensely on my NaNoWriMo " novel . " It is going to be much , much longer than the 50 , 000 - word goal I set for myself . I initially planned to write a memoirs in the vein of this blog , cataloging the past several years of my life and events that led to me losing pretty much everything . But it 's not about that at all . I haven 't even touched on that . I 've written a fair amount about my bizarre upbringing , childhood bullies , the beginnings of my health problems , my mother 's illnesses , and her drastic change in personality after years of emotional abuse and physical disability . My NaNo profile is linked to in the right sidebar ; just click on my Rebel badge . If you 're doing NaNo , you should be my writing buddy . I should hit 16 , 000 words before I go to bed tonight . Today is the anniversary of my mother 's death , by the way . I 'm trying to ignore it . Last year , I was quite sad because it was also election day , and she had only become an American citizen about three years before her death , and I remember helping her vote and how excited she was about getting to vote in the States for the first time . I joined a small writing group for motivation to finish my book . The more I write , the more I 'm terrified of having anyone I know read it . I 'm realizing a number of things : my father is mentally ill . Very seriously mentally ill . I suspected this , but I never thought about it much . Every once in a while someone will say something , usually about someone they suspect to be mentally ill , and I will have a glimmer of a memory but I squelch it . As I write down the details of incidents that occurred in my household , I have to face them and admit what was going on . I have heard through only semi - reliable sources that two of my father 's siblings and his nephew ( my cousin ) were diagnosed with schizophrenia . That cousin lived with us briefly when I was about four years old ( he was about 15 ) and there was definitely something wrong with him . He kept removing the batteries in my battery - operated toys and putting them in backwards . He told me repeatedly " This is the right way to put the batteries in " and would act bewildered when I told him he was wrong . If it was a joke , it went on a really long time , because he stayed with us at least a month , and this happened almost every day . He would sneak into my room while I was at preschool and move all my batteries around . That 's my only memory of him . He used a lot of cocaine and was in an institution for a long time and for all I know he still is . In addition to the two siblings that are rumored to be schizophrenic , another one of my father 's siblings changed her name and fled to South America . She abandoned her children and no one knows what became of her . Except for my cousin , these were all deceptively functional people : a doctor , a dentist , a real estate mogul . My father 's mental illness doesn 't make him less of an abusive prick . I cut all ties with him over seven years ago . There is nothing that could go wrong in my life that he wouldn 't make abysmally worse . So , the memories are flooding back and I wonder how I turned out semi - reasonable . I also have many of my high school journals ( though I destroyed the ones I wrote before age 15 ) and it 's quite appalling the number of times I was punished for reacting logically to his bad behavior . A lot of this has altered the way I react to social situations and professional situations , the way I interact with strangers , and the ways that men scare me make me nervous . I am rereading Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy , which is part of my inspiration . I read it for the first time when I was about 18 . It is the memoirs of a woman who had a rare form of cancer as a child and the surgery she had as a result left her disfigured . Lucy Grealy died of a heroin overdose in 2002 . While I did not have cancer as a child , I had other illnesses that altered my appearance and I went through many of the same experiences . Some of her experiences are so similar to mine that it drains me to read . I was so engrossed in the book last night that I missed my bus stop on the way home from my writer 's group . Unfortunately , that also meant that I missed the last bus , so I could not transfer and had to walk over two miles through the ghetto , doing my best to ignore all the guys who called me " Shawty " and tried to chat me up . Two miles in my uncomfortable shoes with the soles half - off . It took me over an hour because a lot it was uphill , my shoes are in disrepair , and I have very short legs . I don 't know how I fell asleep after that , but I did . Sleep is my escape . On the morning of April 6 , I woke up earlier than usual because I had to take the bus all the way to work without using the Park & Ride like normal . Not having my car added an extra 30 minutes to my commute each way . I was already a partial bus commuter , so I didn 't have to make too big a change , but I still spent well over three hours each day on buses . Ghetto buses . I used my breaks at work to call the car loan company to figure out what to do . When I first called , they told me that I would have to pay off the entire remaining balance on the car in order to get it back . That 's on top of about $ 400 in repossession fees and more in late fees . There was no way for me to get that kind of money in the time they allotted me . I reminded them that I had told them at least twice in advance that I would pay them in full on or before April 7 . I also told them that I had tried to pay on April 3 , both online and over the phone . I had tried to contact them at a reasonable hour , but I was thwarted by their business hours and my time zone . I reminded them that I had been unemployed for 15 months and that I had still managed to pay them on time every month for more than a year , but I 'd had some additional difficulties and I fell behind after a long struggle . I called back day after day . The silliest thing about it was that if they had actually listened to me , they would have already had their money , but because of their own haste , I was just sitting on it . Towards the end of the week , the representative at the car loan company told me that I could have my car back if I paid $ 1500 . I was initially about $ 700 behind , and my third car payment had been due on April 12 . They wanted the three full car payments and $ 450 in late fees and repossession fees . I hadn 't spent much money from my student loans , and I was working , so I was able to come up with $ 1500 on my next payday ( during the week of April 13 ) . I would have had to ignore other bills , but I could do it . I was also unable to buy books for school , which is what a large portion of that money was for . Technically , it was illegal to use a federal student loan to pay for something completely unrelated to school . I just wanted the car back so I could put the ugly mess behind me , and that was the only money I had . Prior to wiring the money at the main counter , I had to call Western Union on a phone at the customer service desk . When a customer picks it up , the phone calls Western Union automatically . It 's like the Bat - Phone only it connects you to the depths of customer service hell . As soon as I picked up the phone , I was given a long list of automated warnings and instructions . I was told not to send money to any Nigerian princes or to anyone who may have informed me that I won a foreign lottery I had never entered . The message went on a long time , describing various ways that I could be scammed and warning me not to send money if I was in a situation that resembled any of their examples . After all of that , I finally got to speak to a customer service representative . I asked the representative if I could give her my bank account information and wire the money that way . She said that there was no problem with that . She asked all of her questions ( which took about 15 - 20 minutes ) , and then she gave me some kind of confirmation number . I went to the main desk with my confirmation number , and they told me that they only take cash . I did not have $ 1500 plus fees in cash . I couldn 't withdraw that much from my account in one day . I wanted to have the money wired directly from my account . I called back on the Bat - Phone . I 'm not sure why . I guess I wanted to plead . I listened to the automated warning about Nigerian princes again . I answered all the ridiculous questions again . I told the customer service representative what I wanted , and she said that she had to transfer me to a different department . She did - and I had to answer all of the questions and listen to the stupid message a third time . I had been doing this for about an hour at this point , I was supposed to be at work , and I had initially predicted it would take no more than twenty minutes . I gave the next representative all of my bank account information , but then the bank refused to authorize the transaction . I realized that $ 1500 ( actually $ 1564 with the fees ) was an uncharacteristically large amount for me to withdraw at once . I begged the representative to stay on the line just a few minutes until I could call my bank on my cell phone because I was really pressed for time and I simply did not have 20 more minutes to call back and answer all those questions again . She agreed . I called my bank and they verified my identity and lifted the hold . I was free to spend $ 1564 . I spoke again to the Western Union representative and said " Okay , the bank lifted the hold ! Can you run it again ? " She said " no . " Again , she refused to process my transaction . I was pissed . I told her that I had just spoken with my bank . In fact , she probably heard me on the phone with my bank because she was just sitting there while I was talking on my cell phone . She continued to refuse to request the wire . I got very angry at this point and demanded to talk to her supervisor . Her supervisor came on the line and immediately started asking me the same questions I had already answered multiple times . Once she got to the Nigerian prince stuff , I just hung up . I stormed out of the store and walked towards my office . I glanced at my cell phone to see what time it was , and I saw that I had missed a call and had a voice mail . The voice mail message was from a man at Western Union . He asked me to return his call in regards to some money I had just transferred . I called back at the number he gave me , and I got through to someone right away . I gave them some basic information , and they told me to disregard the call because no money had gone through . There was a payday loan establishment close to my office , and they had a sign out front that said that they would send money . I figured it was worth a shot . I was already late in returning from my lunch break and probably going to get in trouble at my brand new job . Might as well be shot for a sheep as a lamb , as my mother would always say . The process at the payday loan place was simpler , but once again the transaction was denied - this time for insufficient funds . I knew the money was there . It had been there when I had the other representative on the phone , and I had just lifted the hold , so what now ? I called the bank again . My bank gives account balance once you enter in your account number , before you ask to speak to a representative . There was over $ 1500 missing from my account . I called Western Union customer service to tell them that they had somehow wired my money after telling me that they hadn 't , and I wanted a confirmation number so that I could give it to the car loan company . They asked me some questions and went through their records , and told me that they had not sent any money on my behalf . I even gave them the original confirmation number I was given the first time I called . They said that my original transaction had been canceled and that they absolutely had not wired any money from my bank account . They told me over and over again that they had not sent my money . I called the bank again . They verified that Western Union had definitely sent my money , and they gave me a transaction number . The number did not help me deal with Western Union , but was good for my own verification . I called Western Union again and told them that my bank had verified the transaction and gave me a transaction number . This may be obvious , but my bank 's transaction number did nothing to prove or disprove any of Western Union 's claims . The bank 's transaction number could not double as Western Union 's confirmation number , and was no good to my car loan company . I called the car loan company . They told me that they had not received any money from me , and actually could not claim the money from Western Union until I provided them with a Western Union confirmation number . I called Western Union again . And again . And again . A few times , I got disconnected . A few times I hung up to call either the bank or the car loan company again . Several times , Western Union would transfer me to an automated system that would ask me to enter my confirmation number - which was what I was calling to get from them . If I pressed zero , the call would be disconnected . If I just waited and didn 't enter anything , the call would be disconnected . I was then forced to start over . Every single time I had to start over , I would have to answer the same set of questions and tell them my name , the spelling of my name , my address , my phone number , the name of my bank , and my account number . I did this over and over and over for three hours . I wanted to die . Or kill someone . Or both . I had been trying to send money ( or at least find the money I may or may not have sent ) for three hours , all the while missing work and ( possibly worse ) missing pay and annoying my new boss . I called Western Union one last time . I don 't know what the problem had been the other many times I had called , but the woman I spoke to was finally able to give me the confirmation number to give to the car loan office . I asked her why it was such a huge ordeal to get such a simple thing , and she had no idea . Before I got in touch with her , I had spoken to at least 13 different Western Union employees who had no clue about anything . Even though my troubles have persisted for several years now , I remained generally positive about it all until last April . I have often been told that I 'm " upbeat " and that I can " see the humor in anything . " That all changed when I had my car repossessed . I can 't even think about it without clenching every muscle in my upper body . The repossession was worse than I imagine my impending eviction will be … not because of the loss involved , but because of the way I was treated throughout the repossession process . For years , my bad luck has been somewhat of a running joke in my social circle , but in an instant it just stopped being funny . The repossession was the single most degrading , humiliating , terrifying , and frustrating injustice I have experienced . It was the first time through all of this that I felt like I could never , ever win . I 'd been unemployed for 15 months , and my unemployment benefits had run out about nine months prior . I 'd been applying for at least three jobs a week , but to no avail . I was still in grad school and living on student loans , and I had $ 1100 - $ 1300 a month to live on . My rent was $ 700 a month ( hiked up from $ 550 - the average for a 1 - bedroom apartment in my county is $ 812 per month ) , my car payment was $ 350 ( go ahead and groan , I could afford it when I bought the car ) , my car insurance was about $ 70 a month , my cell phone about $ 50 - 60 a month and I spent over $ 60 a month on prescription drugs - after about $ 150 a month for health insurance . I also had one credit card bill , a debt consolidation plan , and numerous medical bills that I had to pay the University Medical Center lest I get kicked out of school . I also needed a car because there were no buses that would have taken me home from campus late at night when my classes got out . I had to pay for gas and sometimes parking , too . Do that math and you can guess how well I was " getting by . " At least I had food stamps for a few months . I couldn 't find a cheaper place to live , at least not much cheaper . Even if I had moved , I couldn 't afford moving expenses and deposits , so I was stuck . I have my reasons for not having a roommate at the moment . After some childhood trauma irrelevant to this blog entry , having a roommate is strictly a last resort . Because of my medical bills and my determination to finish graduate school , I fell behind on my car payments . I was a little over two months behind . I had not stopped answering the phone at this point , and I actually spoke to the vehicle loan people when they called me . I was offered my last job at the beginning of March . Unfortunately , the job did not start until the last week of March . I told them every time they called that I was about to begin a new job , and that my student loans for the next quarter would be coming in the first week of April . I was not sure what day in April , but no later than April 7 for sure . I told them that I could pay them off with my student loans , and would be able to continue paying them with the income from my new job . They would be paid in full on or before April 7 . We didn 't have anything in writing , but they were well aware of the situation . I was late in my payments , yes , but I had been reliable in my payments ( even when unemployed ) until those last two months . I had been reliable for over two years , and all I wanted was a chance to catch up and make good on my word . My student loan money came in on April 3 . I hadn 't been thinking about it that day , and I did not check my bank balance until my afternoon break . Once I saw the money was there , I went online to make a payment . I received a notice that said that I would have to call their customer service line to discuss my payment with a representative because my payment was so late . I called the phone number they gave me , but it was after 3pm Pacific time , and the office ( which is located in Chicago ) had already closed for the day . They were closed all weekend , too . I was annoyed but I wasn 't worried . Monday was April 6 , and I had told them I would pay in full by April 7 . I went to bed at 10 : 30 Sunday night . I 'd set reminders on my Google calendar to remind me to call them as soon as I got up . I never had the chance . At 1am I was awakened by knocking at my door . Not regular knocking , oh no . The knocking shook my walls and woke my neighbors . I don 't know what he was hitting my door with , but my doorknocker does not make a sound like this . And I have a doorbell . I ignored it at first , but it went on and on and didn 't stop . A couple of years ago , a man who lives on my street got shot on his doorstep after he answered the door in the middle of the night . This isn 't a good neighborhood . I thought that if I ignored it , it would go away . Minutes passed , and the knocking continued . I was furious . I have an intercom and I yelled through it . I was groggy , but I believe my exact words were " It 's 1 in the morning ! What the hell are you doing ? ! " It was too dark to see well through my peephole , but there was a man out there and he told me he was there to take my car . My car was already chained up and attached to the tow truck . I was stunned . I told the man that I had already talked to the bank and told them I would pay by April 7 , that I actually had the money , that I 'd already tried to pay but the bank had been closed and that they had been closed since Friday evening . That got me nowhere , which I understand . I 'm sure he hears that every day . I probably would have said something similar even if it weren 't true . But it was true . I have a friend who is an attorney , and I had talked to him about repossession a month or so before . I told my friend that I was worried about finding a job and that if I didn 't find a job quickly , I would lose my car . He told me that if I caught the repo man in the act that I could legally stop them by protesting . I didn 't believe him , so I did some research . In most states , and certainly Washington , if the owner protests , they legally can 't take whatever it is they 're repossessing . This information is available through the office of the Attorney General . I thought it was worth a try . The man asked me through the intercom if I wanted to take anything out of my car , and I told him I would be out in a minute . I grabbed my cell phone and my purse . My brilliant plan was to stall them until about 6am so I could call the loan office as soon as it opened . I was willing to sit in my car for a few hours if I could get this mess straightened out . When I went outside I saw that there wasn 't just one repo man but three repo men . I am 5 ' 1 ″ in shoes if I stand up as straight as possible . These were three tall , large , muscular , rough - around - the - edges men . The kind of dudes who wear backwards baseball caps , only talk to hot girls , and still listen to Limp Bizkit . I was a bit unnerved that there were three men banging on the door of a single woman at 1 : 00 in the morning . I told them that they couldn 't take my car , I wouldn 't let them . They said they were taking it no matter what . " Well , " I said . " I guess I 'm sleeping in it . " I walked towards the car and unlocked the door with the remote on my keychain . The next thing I saw was the inside of the man 's elbow as he reached around my neck . I hadn 't seen him coming until it was too late . He wrapped his right arm across my chest and then my neck while he grabbed at my keys with his left hand . I screamed and tried to shove him away from me . He said " You just threatened my life . " For about half a second , I didn 't know what he meant , but then I realized that in my panic I had yelled " Get your hands off me , I swear I 'll fucking kill you . " I didn 't even realize that I had said that . I yelled " Who cares ? You assaulted me ! You grabbed me ! What the hell is wrong with you ? ! " I backed away from him , got in my car and sat in the driver 's seat . The guy who grabbed me ran up and grabbed the car door before I could shut it . He stood between me and the car door to make sure I couldn 't close it . I don 't know why he bothered . My car was blocked in and chained up . I cried and trembled and called 911 while Repo Man leaned on my car and lit a cigarette . While I was on the phone with 911 he said " We 're going to cause a lot of damage to your car , you know , " and he blew smoke at me . Smug bastard . Three police officers arrived and the repo men stepped away from my car . The first officer came up and asked me if I was okay . I was probably incoherent . He asked me to get out of the car and I did . My knees were knocking together and I was shaking from head to toe . It was cold , I was in my pajamas , and I had just been grabbed at 1 in the morning by this slimy bastard when I had already discussed my situation with the loan company and had already made two attempts to pay my debt . I was shaking so much I could barely stand . I have never felt such an intense physical reaction to my emotions . Once when I was in sixth grade , a bully and his friend beat me and pulled a knife on me . The repo men scared me more . The officer asked me what had happened and I said that one of the men put me in a chokehold . Of course I meant headlock , but I was frazzled and I mis - spoke . I corrected myself after a minute or so once I realized I had said the wrong thing . I learned something about myself - I babble when I 'm terrified . I sat in the car again and they questioned the three men . Of course the three repo men stuck together . It was them against me . The repo man who grabbed me told the cops that we " just accidentally ran into each other " when he reached for my keys . The officer believed him , even though we " ran into each other " while my back was to him and I was walking away from him . One of the officers ( I 'll call him Officer Asshat ) asked me if I had lost consciousness . I told him that I hadn 't . He asked if I 'd had any bruising . I said that none was visible at that point . He said , " Then there 's nothing to complain about . " Officer Asshat spoke to the repo men some more , and I walked towards him because I wanted to ask him a question . " Get over there ! " he barked at me . I didn 't know where he was telling me to go , or why he was telling me to go there . I just looked at him and said " What ? " He yelled at me again to " Get over there ! " I asked him why he wanted me to move . He said " I 'm talking to this guy over here . Jeez , if you 're this annoying now , I can only imagine how bad you were when they were trying to take your car ! " He laughed . Yes , Officer Asshat laughed at me and called me " annoying . " The cops looked at me and saw a girl in the ghetto who didn 't pay her bills and was just being pouty when forced to face the consequences . I told them that the man had grabbed me , and they made it clear that they didn 't believe me . Officer Asshat interrogated me about why I had been sitting in my car . I actually lied to him , because he tried to make it sound like I was doing something illegal even though I had every right to defend my car at that point . He also asked really patronizing questions such as " Now , do you really think that these young gentlemen would come out here to hurt you ? " I was wearing a sweatshirt for my university , and he actually tried to make small talk and ask what classes I was taking . I do not grant small - talk privileges to someone who calls me annoying , yells at me , or tells me that I have nothing to complain about because I wasn 't knocked unconscious when a huge guy grabbed me around the neck . The officers ordered me to empty my car and hand over my keys . One of the repo men drove off in my car , while the other two took off in the tow truck . I saw my neighbors had turned lights on , but no one came out . For weeks - maybe even months - I was afraid to stand in a position where someone could walk up behind me . I rode the bus a lot ( for obvious reasons ) and I always made sure that my back was against the wall of the bus stop shelter . I have never been a police basher , but twice in my life I have called the police when I 've been faced with a violent situation , and both times I have been belittled , laughed at , and ignored . Strangely , I 've twice been treated like a criminal when I wasn 't doing anything illegal . The repo men could have taken my car and towed it away , but they felt it necessary to confront me . I still don 't understand why . I understand that actually driving the car is easier than towing , but is it worth the hassle of a late - night confrontation ? I have reason to believe that this is the same company I had my ordeal with . I 'm dividing this into three posts because it 's such a long , long story . It gets worse before it gets better . Then it gets worse again . Stay tuned for Part 2 . No one has ever asked me this question when I had a regular job . I find that strange because I wasn 't " getting by " even when I was working . There is a misconception that if you have a job , you can " get by . " My car was repossessed when I was working . My electricity was cut off when I was working . When I was working , I had to eat with the homeless people in the park because I had no food and made too much money for food stamps . I had health insurance at two of my last three temp jobs . Unfortunately , I had so little money that I couldn 't afford the copays to see my doctor . It 's good that I had insurance in case I got into an accident , but what good was this insurance if I couldn 't use it when I needed it for less catastrophic times ? I had health insurance when I was coughing up blood , but I didn 't have $ 10 to see the doctor . I couldn 't go to work like that , and my job did not provide sick days , so I would either get more poor or more sick . Since early 2006 , my rent has increased 27 % while my income ( until I quit ) had decreased 29 % . I was barely able to pay my rent when it was at its lowest , so it just seems impossible now . I 'm damned if I do , and I 'm damned if I don 't . Right now I just can 't deal with working at a horrible job that I hate and am not good at where I 'm likely to get reprimanded . I am hyperaware every second of every day that I still will not be able to pay my rent on time . This isn 't a money management problem . I really wish it were a money management problem . I can fix my budget , but this goes so much deeper than that . To quote a friend of mine : " If your boss gives you 60 hours of work to do and only 40 hours to do it , you have a time problem , not a time management problem . If you only get $ 400 for a week of work , but your basic expenses cost $ 500 a week , it 's not a reflection of your ability to stick to a budget just because you can 't make it work ! " When I was a receptionist , the company I worked for invited a personal finance counselor to come in and speak to us individually by appointment . I was struggling in a dead - end job and I was barely able to make ends meet , so I was glad for the opportunity to talk to a professional . He gave me a worksheet with a list of items on it and asked me to tell him how much I spent on each . He asked me about my utilities , groceries , my medical bills , credit card bills , and rates on car and renter 's insurance . I gave up my telephone land line years ago , and my cell phone plan is reasonable . I have not had cable since 2003 . I did not even own a computer , let alone pay for Internet . I spent very little on groceries . I had the cheapest car insurance policy I could find . I spent about $ 200 a year on clothing and shoes combined ( I spend far less than that now ) . I had already lumped several accounts into a debt consolidation plan that had reduced my interest rates by half . I do not buy music , go to bars , or go to movies , and I attend only a couple of concerts a year . At the time , my only consistent " luxury " was a $ 20 / month Netflix account . My expenses were all bills I was struggling to pay off from my first two years of unemployment . After buying the basic essentials and making minimum payments , I was left with about $ 40 each month . It was not enough extra to see a significant change in credit card balances and the like . Also , $ 20 of that went to Netflix . Almost all of my money was spent playing catch - up . The personal finance counselor told me that I had cut out all I could , and that the only solution to my problem was to make more money . He told me that nothing was wrong with my budget . I began looking for a second job , but I never found one . I was eventually fired from that receptionist position for " being unhappy . " I was only unemployed for about three weeks , but my next job paid nearly $ 10 , 000 a year less and I was laid off in less than six months . It did not occur to me that my next job would pay so much less , especially since it was technically at a higher level . It was a big pay cut , and it hurt . It hurt more when I got laid off . So , how am I getting by ? I sell some of my belongings online . When I get money from that , I put a little gas in my car , I buy cat food , rat food , or kitty litter . I eat food - bank food almost exclusively . I steal my neighbor 's wi - fi . I stopped taking all 7 of my prescription medications . I revel in the fact that the electric company won 't cut me off again for a very long time . I let my phone get cut off until I can scrounge enough money to pay my past - due balances . I think deeply . I worry . I go to a lot of used bookstores to sell my collection . I look around at the disarray and panic because I don 't have the energy to box it all up and I don 't know where I 'm going or how I 'm going get there . I sleep a lot . I mope . I don 't answer my phone . I wait for the sheriff to force me to leave . I jump at every noise . I don 't get out much . I did something very unethical that I am ashamed to talk about , even here : prior to leaving my job , I found a year - long bus pass that had been dropped by a coworker . There was no one around when I found it , and I waited a long time and no one returned to get it . These bus passes are issued to employees for free , but they probably cost the company over $ 1000 ( I know that they are worth around $ 1500 ) . I was a temp and did not get the year - long bus pass - I had to pay $ 90 a month for my own . The pass was brand new . I found it in July , and it 's good through next July . I fully intended to turn it in to security , but at some point it occurred to me that the pass was worth much more to me than to whoever had lost it . After all , they had a real job and I didn 't . Also , I 've had so many bad things happen , that maybe this was a break for me . I don 't believe in Karma , but if I did , I 'd actually think this was the universe trying to throw me a bone for once . Well , maybe I do believe in Karma after all . I kept the pass . I never heard anything about anyone looking for it , so I ride the bus to save gas , and I don 't pay a penny for it . I won tickets to a movie last night , and that bus pass was the only way I could have gone to the only fun thing I 've done recently . I could not have paid for parking , and I did not have enough money for bus fare . Keeping the pass was wrong of me , but I 'm doing it for survival . So , that is how I 'm " getting by , " if you want to call it that . I don 't even want a job right now because a job will not save me from eviction , and I need to be ready . I 'm too depressed to make progress quickly , and I know in my heart that I 'd be too distracted at a job , even a simple one . I had enough trouble focusing at my last job . I am using this time to focus on liquidating my belongings and finding a transitional shelter to move into , no matter how frustrating that may be . by Zoe | September 10 , 2009 · 10 : 02 am Magnifying glass Last weekend I left a phone message with my landlord about my failure to pay rent for August or ( so far ) September . I explained I had been unemployed six weeks , and that unemployment was backed up and they had not yet responded to my claim . I told them that unemployment should respond this week and I would pay immediately . I went out to my mailbox to check the mail to see if unemployment had finally responded to my claim . This is the magic week , after all . On my way to the mailbox I saw a letter taped to my door . I have received a three day pay rent or vacate notice . I 'm getting evicted unless I can come up with $ 1400 . I walked to my mailbox . It was mostly junk mail , but I got a letter from unemployment . They are still processing my claim . No money . And I can 't even call them , or my landlord , or my recruiter because of my phone . More nuisance - for the past six or seven years , I have sold used items on Amazon . com . I have done so dozens of times without incident . So , of course , during my most desperate hour , I have my first incident . I have always made it a point to describe the items I 'm selling as accurately as possible . I disclose flaws that most people wouldn 't notice or even care about . I charge very little ( compared to other Amazon sellers ) because I don 't want to piss anyone off , I want to sell things , and I don 't want to deal with refunds and returns . This isn 't my business ; I just use the Internet as a high - priced garage sale . If it were a full - time job , I 'd probably have less time to put into each listing . But as it stands I have all the time I need . I have sold numerous books , DVDs , CDs , and video games . I sold a video game a few weeks ago , and for the first time ever I got an e - mail from the buyer asking about my return policy . I told her politely that I couldn 't really accept refunds . If it was defective or something , we could work something out , but I 'd tested the game myself with a friend and had no problems . She returned with some story about how the game didn 't work . I don 't believe her … not just because I played the game myself , but because she didn 't tell me that when she first e - mailed . If I bought a game that didn 't work , I would write and say " Hey , this game doesn 't work . I keep getting error messages . Can I get my money back ? " She just said " What 's your return policy ? " I sense buyer 's remorse . The game does suck . It works , but it sucks . Strangely , I haven 't started crying yet , but I 'm sure it will come . I 'm definitely in a state of panic . I don 't even understand how I am coherent right now , if I 'm coherent . I can 't call a crisis line , I can 't call for help . by Zoe | August 31 , 2009 · 9 : 27 am You Are Not Your Job ( or Awkward Interviews I 've Had , Part 2 ) " You are not your job . You are not how much money you have in the bank . You are not the car you drive . You are not the contents of your wallet . You are not your fucking khakis . You 're the all - singing , all - dancing crap of the world . " - - Tyler Durden Pardon me for invoking the over - quoted Fight Club . All too often we 're judged not by our potential or our abilities , but by our status . Two of the worst job interviews I have had have been the result of cocky executives deciding that I must be stupid , incompetent , or worthless just because of the assortment of bad jobs I have held . My longest stint of full - time employment was at the most boring receptionist job ever . Prior to my years of poverty , I had been an instructor at a technical college . I taught basic math classes , computer skills , and medical terminology to aspiring medical and dental assistants . I quit this position to go back to school to get my dream job , but my plan completely backfired and I ended up poor . I have not had a higher - level or higher - paying job since . My career peaked when I was 24 years old . By 27 , I 'd become resentful of having low - level low - pay jobs I hated . Especially since I had been job - hunting almost nonstop for three years . I am good at writing and editing , and I wanted to work in corporate communications . No one would hire me , so I saved as much money as I could and I enrolled in a yearlong certificate program for editors . I felt that this would make up for my lack of experience . I received word that the administrative assistant in my company 's corporate communications department was quitting . This seemed like a perfect opportunity to get my foot in the door . First of all , it was an admin position , so it was barely a step up from what I had been doing . Also , it paid more . Best of all , it was in the department I wanted to work in , and I knew that once they saw me at work , they 'd realize my potential and I would actually get a job on my chosen career path . I spoke to the director of the department about it , and she encouraged me to apply and said that I would be a good fit . Unfortunately , she stepped down from her position before the hiring process was completely underway . As the receptionist , I knew everything about every department at the company . I knew everyone 's names , I knew everyone 's jobs . I was generally among the first to find out company news because a lot of information crossed my desk each day . I thought that this would work to my advantage in applying for a corporate communications position . I spoke with the admin who was quitting , and she told me a lot about the job . She was annoyed that it was strictly an admin position , and she did not have much corporate communication work to do . She told me that she had to do things like attach files to the VP 's e - mails , because he just couldn 't figure out how to do it himself . The VP would pass by the reception desk and give me random tasks , which I assume were just to test me . He asked me to find the phone number for the CEO of a rival company . Thank you , Google . He asked me to compose a press release based on a laboratory study of one of our products . I 'm comfortable with medical and scientific jargon , so this was a relatively easy task once I found information about press - release formatting . I did find the VP 's request strange because the admin said that she never once had to write a press release ; the most she had to do was proofread . After a couple of weeks of catering to his arbitrary whims , I was called in for an interview . I was so excited . I dressed up , I studied , and I printed copies of my current resume on ivory resume paper . I had worked so hard to get my resume to highlight my skills rather than my experience . One of my best friends ( who is an accountant with an MBA ) had helped me get my resume into a better format for highlighting relevant experience . Sigh . When friends ask me that question , I can answer it honestly , but I had no idea what to say in such a formal setting . How is that even a valid interview question ? I don 't even remember what I said . I think I just babbled on about how I was versatile or something . " So I guess you 've just been screwing around for four years . " He had that " ha - ha - I 'm - making - a - joke - but - not - really " tone . I did my best to laugh it off . Towards the end of the interview , I asked him how he got his job . He told me that he worked at a store that sold stereo equipment , and after college he got some job at a small - time newspaper and he worked his way up . He was in his early 50s , and he 'd been in communications for over 30 years . He was coming from a completely different place , and he didn 't understand why I hadn 't done the same thing . I was not offered the administrative assistant job . An HR representative came out and told me that I just didn 't have enough experience , and then she told me about another department in our company that needed " someone to do some filing . " I burst into tears . Later that week , the corporate communications department hired a random temp from an agency , and they paid her more than I got paid at the front desk . I felt I had been wronged . It was as though they felt it was " cute " that the receptionist wanted a big - girl job . I was more hurt than anything else . It wasn 't even the job rejection . It was that I 'd never had a chance . I complained to my supervisor about how frustrated I was with my experience trying to get out of my stifling job . I was literally and figuratively trapped behind that desk - I wasn 't even allowed to get up and move away from the desk at any time . I made an offhand comment that " in an ideal world , I wouldn 't be a receptionist another minute . " Two hours later I received a random voice mail from the woman at the temp agency who had placed me at that job . Three hours after that , I was fired . I was unaware at the time that I had already been replaced with a temp , hence the random call from the temp agency . They knew I was trying to get a job in another department , and they knew why . I was bored and I never hid that fact . I was there about a year and a half , and I had been told repeatedly that I was the first receptionist to last more than six months . The boredom was excruciating ; had I not been so desperate , I wouldn 't have lasted there nearly that long . I was not unemployed for long that time around , and my next job was one that I loved . After about four weeks of unemployment , I got my very first editorial job at a big company . I was getting paid less than I had been as a receptionist , but I loved the work . Unfortunately , I got laid off . When I found out that I was getting laid off from my first editorial job , I was understandably upset . My pay was terrible , but at least I made it through each day without wanting to bang my head through a windowpane . To avoid a lapse in employment , I applied for an associate editor job at the same company . The company had a very specific hierarchy , and the job I was applying for was one step above the position I had . I requested an informational interview with the woman who would have been my supervisor if I were chosen for the job . I e - mailed her my resume and she sent me a meeting request for that afternoon to talk to her about the position . I wasn 't dressed for an interview because I had only heard about the position after I had arrived at work that morning , but since it was an informational interview , I was less concerned . I created a list of questions to ask and I brought them with me . I didn 't ask a single question . The minute I walked in the door , she started grilling me job - interview style . Even though this was a job within the company where I already worked , she was completely unaware of what I was talking about when I tried to explain my job . I had signed an NDA and was not sure if I was allowed to discuss certain details outside of my department . She kept pressing it , and I answered as best as I could , though I admit I remained vague about specifics . If I was going to violate my NDA , I sure as hell wasn 't going to do it in a way that could come back to haunt me . I failed to answer her questions about my current position to her liking . She then began to tell me that she was looking for someone with a lot of technical writing experience . The job was not a writer position , let alone a technical writer position . It was an editor position , and the job listing did not mention technical writing at all . The job listing also mentioned that all applicants would be given an editing exam . I asked her if I could take the exam . She said " we 're just evaluating people by their experience . " I left . I was either going to say something vulgar or cry , so I walked out . I 'm completely baffled as to why she requested this interview with me if she saw my resume beforehand . If I wasn 't what she was looking for , why did she choose to waste her time and mine ? Her " we don 't hire beginners here " statement stung the most . After all , I already worked there and she knew that . What . The . Hell . He and I had the exact same job on the exact same team . We were hired two months apart , and we were at a similar level of experience . Whatever . I 'm glad I 'm not working for her . I 'd have gone crazy looking at her scowly face all day . My coworker didn 't get the job either . by Zoe | July 5 , 2009 · 3 : 01 pm Priorities When I was a sophomore in college , I was hanging out with my roommates one December day shortly before Winter Break . One of my roommates was planning to travel home for Christmas , and was trying to figure out the best way to get to the airport over 50 miles away . She didn 't own a car . I did own a car , but I couldn 't drive her for whatever reason ( or perhaps I didn 't want to - I couldn 't stand this girl . ) She told me , quite excitedly , that she could take the bus all the way to airport and it would take over four hours but it only cost $ 4 . " That 's crazy , " I said . " Why would you do that when you can hire a shuttle to take you there for $ 20 in just an hour ? " These days , I 'm not sure what I would do if I were in the same situation . Frankly , I could go either way . There is still a pampered part of me that values my time , comfort , and safety more than money , and a part of me that is willing to spend rent money frivolously in order to avoid an uncomfortable situation . There is a group of people I hang out with a couple of times a month . We drink beer or coffee and play boardgames . This is very important to me at this time because I need to do all I can to hang on to my sanity . Unfortunately , I live far away from anywhere we meet regularly , and my car is still out of commission . We met up last Wednesday night and I completely lost track of time during a discussion with a friend about video games , one of my favorite topics . The next thing I knew it was after midnight , and that 's trouble for someone who lives in an isolated area such as my neighborhood . I couldn 't get the wifi to work , so I couldn 't look at the bus schedule online . I took the next bus downtown only to find that I 'd missed the last transfer by about 10 minutes . There were no buses traveling to my neighborhood at all . Not one . There was one bus that stopped in the ghetto two miles from my apartment , and it left at 2 : 14 a . m . I decided I would just wait an hour and a half and then walk two miles home . I guess I 'm not as strong as I give myself credit . I was alone at 1 a . m . in Seattle 's Pioneer Square , which is not a nice place to be alone and stranded when the bars are closing . The people on the street were not too threatening in general , at least they aren 't if they don 't talk to you . When the streets are quiet , however , there are fewer people to talk to , and anyone at a bus stop is a captive audience . A man was sitting across the street from me and staring in my direction . He just stared straight at me for at least ten minutes . Then he crossed the street , sat next to me , and continued staring . I got nervous and decided to call a taxi . I knew that the $ 180 I had left was more than enough to get me home , but I knew I shouldn 't spend any money . I was worried that it would cost $ 40 or so because I 've had terrible luck with cabs in the past . The cab arrived quickly , in less than five minutes . It cost $ 22 . 50 to take me home . I feel fortunate that for once in my life I actually had access to some money , as opposed to other times recently when I 've been stranded with nothing . Had this been any other night , I may have been stuck waiting for the late , late bus and taking a two - mile stroll through the closest thing King County has to a real ghetto . Or I would have slept in an alley or something until the buses resumed service in the morning . And I would have been screwed if anyone took my backpack or anything like that . My rent was hiked up last February , and it 's been absolutely hellish ever since . I simply can 't afford it , but I already live in the cheapest place I can find . I have health issues that make me not entirely willing to share my living space at this time , but I will commence a search for a sympathetic ( or at least somewhat sane ) roommate . I will once again have to unload most of my belongings , which should bring in some money . It 's difficult to have a yard or garage sale when you have neither a yard nor a garage . At least summer is here , so I can maybe hone in on community sales . But what roommate would want me ? I have pets , bad credit , I 'm antisocial , and I 'm messy . I 'm really not made to share living spaces . I have done it before , and I have even done it successfully , but my health has declined so much and it has led me to seek out more and more solitude . I am reluctant to live with friends because I imagine major clashes . Perhaps the best situation would be some sort of group home . And I must make arrangements before I get myself evicted . I am a Seattle - based geeky writer girl . I like grammar , puzzles , board games , video games , television , books , and cute animals . I can often be found looking for a job or doubled over laughing at something that isn 't terribly funny . I grew up wealthy , but I 've spent most of my adult life in poverty or close to it . I 've learned a lot from this , but I 've dealt with a lot of frustration , too . This is my story . Drop me a line at zoedoom at gmail dot com . @ jcbaggee Oh , psycho roomie . I need to leave but I 'm trying to find a home for my cat before I go to a shelter or die or whatever . 7 years ago Top Posts Good Riddance , 2009 Modern Poverty · Life lessons for the lower - lower - lower - middle class . Blog at WordPress . com . Modern Poverty Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
About nine months ago , my mother and I were talking about going on vacation with the family . We decided to go to Branson , Missouri because they are suppose to have a beautiful Christmas display . We got a 2000 sq ft condo for the week for $ 515 , fully furnished . Noel and I knew that we would do better if we drove through the night on the way there . So we left at midnight and the " safari " slept until about 6 : 30 in the morning . After we checked in we relaxed and moved - in . We made sure that we did not pack our days with activities but actually enjoyed our vacation . The " safari " loved the swimming pool ; I thought it was funny that we got all dressed up and went to the indoor pool and then stripped down and swam . The " safari " liked playing indoor golf and they got better as we went . The good thing is that almost everywhere we went the triplets and Hannah were free . Noel and I sat through a " travel " program to get a discount on our Silver Dollar City tickets . Also mom and dad sat through a time share program to get the Dinasour and Butterfly Palace for free . Also mom and dad got to see a show for free and sat on the second row . We thought it was a great vacation . The " safari " did really well being in a new place and we kept most of their schedule . We laughed a lot . We taught the " safari " how to play GO FISH . The hardest thing was to get them to keep their cards a secret . Joshua told Jacob ' go fish ' and Jacob picked a card and told everyone what it was . The adults had a good laugh and the " safari " had a blast . The adults enjoyed our time as well . Noel and dad played a lot of golf on the Wii and one night we all played bowling . Also the " safari " rode their first amuzement rides , I have adventureous children . I see a lot of roller coasters in my future . We want to thank mom for being brave and riding the amuzement rides even though she hates them . Thank you for being a team player . Noel started going to a bible study this semester and there was a lady there that works for a bank who was talking about mortgages and the interest rates . Noel filled out some paperwork and when it came back we were approved for 4 . 125 % on a 20 yr loan . This means that we pay our house off 5 years earlier and the interest rate goes down . Also because we are refinancing our property taxes are in the refinancing ; which is an answer to prayer with all the events that have happened to us this year . God is good . Because we were close to the 20 % in equity that you need to refinance an appraiser had to come into our house and appraise it . This was fine except that our master bathroom was not finished and some other small projects needed to get done before the appraiser could come in . That sounds good except that in the middle of everything Noel was out of town for a week taking a class in Houston . It does seem a little crazy when I type it out . Well Noel put the Sheetrock up and put the laminate on the floor before he left for Houston . While he was gone , I put the joint tape up and smoothed the walls the best that I could , I fixed the ceiling . That sounded too easy though , I had to cut the Sheetrock out of the ceiling to both sides of the studs . After I did that I realized that there was no way I was going to get a new piece of Sheetrock up there without some help . So Tim Conroy came over and helped me for a couple hours . That was the first time that I had actually been in our attic . Then I textured the walls and painted them . When Noel got back we did the touch up on the walls that needed to be done , we put popcorn back on the ceiling , because we did not have time or energy to scrape the ceilings , and we put carpet in the master bathroom . We used the rest of the laminate from the stairs and a piece of the new carpet from downstairs with the memory pad as well . Noel then made the moldings for the doorways , because the hardware store wanted to charge over $ 30 for a piece of molding . Noel and I had never laid carpet but I think we did an excellent job with seam tape and making sure to pull the carpet as much as possible . We did the rest of the list as well . We made an appointment to have the appraiser over on a Wednesday morning . Well on Tuesday Noel and I stayed up all night and morning to finish the list , which meant that neither of us got any sleep that night . I did get a nap that afternoon though , sorry babe . The appraiser came and did his thing and we are closing soon . Noel and I were shocked to hear what our house was appraised at . We were appraised at 209 , 000 . Now we did not pay that for our house but Noel and I have put a lot of work into our house with our own hands and we would not sell our house for 209 , 000 but with the economy and what people are selling their houses for that is what our house appraised for . Last year Noel and I wanted to get the " safari " looking towards missions . So we packed two boxes for Operation Christmas Child , one for a girl and one for a boy . This year Noel and I thought that each of our children would like to make their own box . The " safari " was excited to put the lids on and pray over them . We continue to pray for the boxes until Christmas . Next year I think that we will track where our boxes go to show the " safari " how far they actually go . Noel and I have a great time and it is nice to see our mission oriented " safari " coming alive . Created in Love by Halloween was great this year , because the " safari " was one year older and they were really excited about the candy part of Halloween this year . They were the Wizard of Oz again this year because I worked so hard on their costumes last year that I wanted to get two years out of them . Pops came up to help us with the " safari . " We carved our pumpkin in the early evening and the " safari " was okay with that but really could have cared less . I think that Noel and I had more fun then the " safari " did . We ate dinner and then got ready to go Trick or Treating . It was dark when we started and the " safari " was more than excited . Noel and I tried cover all the rules of Trick or Treating with the " safari . " You only ring the doorbell once : they took that as each of them got to ring the doorbell once . You say thank you when you receive your candy : they took that as say thank you and ask for more candy . If no one answers then no one is home : Jacob took that as try the door to make sure they are not hiding . We were out for about 1 . 5 hours and the " safari " got more candy then I thought they would . We had to send Noel back to the house to get a book bag because the " safari 's " buckets were so heavy they could not carry them . Everyone had fun and they are already talking about next year . I think that we are going to be the 7 dwarfs from Snow White , Sneezy and Dopey will stay home in bed . It is great to have our " safari " at the age where they enjoy activities . I have come to the conclusion that when you put any two or more of my toddlers together in a room that they become stupid geniuses . I have several examples of this just based on all the modifications that we have had to make to the rooms that our " safari " sleep in . Here is a short list : * * Took all pictures off the walls so that they could no longer through their pillows to see if they could knock it down . * * Had to take the wheels off their cribs so they would not play roller derby with them . * * Had to nail their curtains into 1X1 into the studs in the wall because they were hanging from them * * Had to take the closet doors off because they were trying to slam their fingers off . * * Had to play team match to see who could be in the same room together . That took a couple of months . * * Had to put locks on the outside of the doors because they were playing exchange student with each other . * * Had to take the mattresses away from Elijah , Esther and Jacob because they figured out that you could lean it against the wall and climb up into the closet . That is how Jacob broke his collar bone . Now Elijah and Joshua have a bed that Noel and I have a hard time moving . * * Had to take the closet shelf out because Elijah and Esther Mae climbed onto the end of the bunk bed and climbed up into the closet and then were jumping back into the bed . Esther Mae taught Elijah how to use the wall to get into the closet . I am sure there are more that I have forgotten , but that gives you an idea of the stupid genius acts that Noel and I have witnessed . Now the roommate assignments are as follows . Joshua and Elijah are roommates . Esther Mae and Hannah sleep together in a twin bed and Jacob sleeps in a twin bed in the other room . The third room is a guest room . I thought I would leave you with a recent picture of my stupid geniuses . After replacing the compressor , putting new tires on , draining the bad gas , putting a new battery in , Noel decided to start and drive the Firebird out of the garage . Mind you the last time he drove the Firebird was about 3 years ago . Noel and I had to push the Firebird into the garage the last time . I was very proud of Noel for all the hard work that him and Dominic put into the car the last month , that I wanted to video the great accomplishment . Mind you the Firebird sounds horrible , but that is because the car still had some bad gas and all the new fluids had not run through yet . I was very excited as you can tell by my commentary . Noel still has some work to do on the Firebird but it is close to being ready . We are more than grateful to the Gilbert 's for letting us borrow their vehicle while Noel has made his Firebird come to life . You are amazing and wonderful friends . After the accident , Noel decided that financially we could not afford another car payment so he decided to revive the Firebird ; that had been sitting in the garage for 2 . 5 years . It needed new tires , new battery , fluids , fix the A / C , brakes , and miscellaneous things . Tires , battery , fluid were pretty easy things to fix . The A / C is not so easy to fix . The last time that Noel worked on his A / C he had to take the engine out to get to the A / C . Well to take the engine out there are 48 steps and each of those steps have other steps within that step . Dominic convinced Noel that they did not need to take the engine out because Noel has some extra parts from the last time that he worked on the A / C . This is where it gets scary . Dominic and Noel decided that they could run the A / C dye to tell them where the leak was from the table saw . Yeah you read that right . Noel and Dominic strapped the compressor from the A / C to the table saw and ran the belt from the compressor to the compressor of the table saw and then gave it all power from the battery in the Honda . Sounds mad scientist right ? That is what I thought and that is why I had to video tape this because if something blew up I was going to win America 's Funniest Home Video Contest . Watch the video and see the lights dim when they turn everything on . Enjoy the video . Noel and Dominic ran their test and found out that the compressor was bad and so they had to replace the compressor . I know that some of you think that we have fallen off the Earth , but we have not . I have lots of posts to do , but Noel and I are refinancing our house right now and we are trying to finish are bathroom . So stay with us and hopefully I can post some of the great things we have done soon . We love you . So here is a recap of the adventures in our house in the last couple of weeks . So two weeks ago , I got in a car accident and totaled the car . Then the following Friday , Jacob decided that he was going to jump of the highest spot in the room . On the following Tuesday he started to have blood in his stool . Of course , Noel was out of town and I was grateful that my mother was in town for some support . On that Tuesday I took Jacob to see Art Cheng and he wanted me to collect his stool for three days and then back with him . Jacob was acting like a 3 year old and had no color change and he was not bleeding from his eyes , or ears . Also he was not complaining of any pain . The next day I called our pediatrician and she stated that she wanted to see him on Friday to make sure everything was okay and to see if she thought he needed to get tests . On Friday , I took him to Dr . Ranny and she stated that she thought he had a tare in his rectum . So Jacob is on stool softners and if he starts to bleed again after a week then we need to run some tests . So in the last two weeks I have been in the emergency room , see the urgent care place , an orthopedic , and two pediatricians . I think we have had our share of medical treatment for a while . I would like to thank Art Cheng for being such a great pediatrician . He called me several times through out the week to see how Jacob was doing . I love that kind of medical care we received , personal . If you are looking for a pediatrician I would recommend Art Cheng with Austin Regional Clinic . Created in Love by I do not know about you , but I love to get mail , but I love to receive packages even more . The " safari " got a box yesterday . I participated in a Halloween Swap that involved our children and not me . I got a family in New York and they got us . We filled out a questionnaire and gave the other family things that my " safari " like . The " safari " and I filled our box and Noel mailed it . Yesterday we got a ring at our doorbell from the mailman . Our box had arrived . . . . . The " safari " loved the box and as soon as it was opened they found the candy . You know every kid can smell candy from at least 50 yards away . The box had really neat things in it . We got books , bags , candy , stickers , peeps , and a game . We want to thank Mind Games for our wonderful box and the " safari " loved everything that was in the box . We hope that you have a wonderful Halloween and that you enjoy our box as much as we enjoyed yours . Here is a picture of everything that was in our box . Have you ever noticed that when something is going on in your life that is not so good that other things happen at the same time ? For instance , when one person gets sick everyone gets sick . Well , it is no different in our house . Like most of you know , last Friday I demolished Noel 's car and then this Friday Jacob tried to trump me . Noel came home at lunch so that I could go clean a house and he was downstairs when he heard a thud . He knew that something bad happened because soon after the thud was the screams of Jacob . He goes upstairs to see Jacob rolling around on the floor screaming in pain . Elijah , Esther Mae , and Jacob thought it would be good idea to put one of their mattresses up against the closet wall and climb up the mattress and then jump off . Well , we assume that Jacob was the sacrificial lamb in this endeavour . Jacob climbed up the mattress and grab a toddler rocking chair from the top shelf , when he jumped he landed wrong on his shoulder . After everyone was disciplined Noel brought Jacob downstairs and he slept on Noel 's chest during nap time . After some discussion we removed all the mattresses that where hard enough to be used as a climbing ladder and moved Jacob in the room with Joshua and Hannah ; leaving the evil minds in the room together . You see , Hannah and Joshua are mellow enough together that there is hardly any trouble with them . So Jacob was given some Motrin and we let him sleep in the room with Hannah and Joshua . This morning he woke up about 4 : 30 this morning crying because he was in pain . Jacob slept with Noel and I for the rest of the morning and then we decided to take him to urgent care when he could not get out of our bed . Noel took Esther Mae , Joshua and Elijah to T - ball and I went to Urgent Care with Hannah and Jacob . Jacob has a fracture in his clavicle and has to see an orthopedic because of an AC might be torn . So on Monday I have to get him an appointment , to see what is going on and what we will have to do . Also did I mention that Noel is leaving on Sunday for Tennessee for theCreated in Love by It has almost been a week since the accident and I am now getting a chance to really look at the car pictures and the pictures of my bruises from day 3 . It is a hard reality to know that most people would not have made it out of the car accident that I was in . I know that God protected me and the way the accident went and where everyone was is the reason that I am alive . I might make that another post , but who knows . Every day since the accident I have seen and felt my bruises . Getting dressed and taking a shower there is a visual reminder of how thankful I am that I am still alive . Also the " safari " and all the questions about daddy 's car . My favorite goes like this . . . . safari : " mommy did you break daddy 's car ? " me : " yes , I did " , safari : " can you fix daddy 's car ? " me : " no , it is really broken and I cannot fix it . " safari : " can you fix it later ? " It is nice to have the thoughts of a toddler just so honest and precise . I love those moments . I am sitting here still struck to the core of how God is wonderful and how I am grateful that I am alive . Noel and I are grateful to be together and to be able to live through experience together instead of one of us in the ground while the other raises our children . Noel and I are grateful for all the warm wishes and the prayers that we have received from lots of people that we know and people that we do not know . We are grateful to have family that loves us and that is there for us . We would just ask that you continue to pray for my healing , that the instant replay would go away , and that we could get the firebird up and running before travel season begins for Noel . I totaled the Mazda this morning . I was traveling on 183 north after Cedar Park and before Liberty Hill . It was still dark outside , I was traveling behind a BMC Lumber Supply truck when a box fell off the back of his truck . After changing lanes I decided that I would stay in a different lane then the truck . I was going with the flow of traffic when in a split second decision the car in front of me decided to change lanes without braking or using his signal . As soon as he / she changed lanes I saw the car at a complete stop trying to turn into the Summerlyn subdivision and knew that my day was not what I had planned for it . I hit that car and it pushed me into the lane with the BMC truck that swerved and rolled on its side and shot me into oncoming traffic where the passenger side of the car got hit . I was able to get out of the car and wait for the rescue crews . For the damage that you see in the pictures I did not break anything and the only thing that I have is bruises . It was not my time to go and God knew that I was needed here on Earth . So I stopped traffic on 183 this morning going to Liberty Hill and all the people that were coming into the Austin Area . My mother even got my traffic when she was coming into town . I am grateful that I am alive and that the other people that were involved did not have serious injuries . I appreciate all the prayers and the calls that we have received . For those of you wondering , yes I am still going to Arlington in the morning to see the A & M vs . Arkansas game . WHOOP ! This last month , we did our normal monthly cooking . I started to ask the normal people that do the monthly cooking . So this was the breakdown . I wanted a half share , my mother wanted a half share , my sister wanted a full share , Katherine wanted one and a half shares , my brother wanted a full share , Kimber wanted a full share and Koby wanted a half share . A half share is 4 servings , and a full share is 7 servings . So that comes to 1100 servings . The menu is as follows : Beef StroganoffBeer Butt ChickenCarolina shredded ChickenCheeseburger MeatloafChicken Pot PieChicken TandooriChili Lime KabobsChinese 5 Spice ChickenCordon BleuCreamy Chuck RoastDr . Thunder RibsJalapeno Blue Cheese BurgersKansas City Hot WingsLemon Herb ChickenPeach Glazed Pork ChopsPork Chops w / ApplesaucePork Tacos w / Pineapple SalsaPotato SoupSausage LasagnaShepards PieShredded Pork TacosSpicy Beef KabobsSpicy Turkey BurgersTex Mex burgersTomato SoupKatherine and I have been thinking about teaching people how to do this from the menu making , the shopping , and all aspects of this program . Each time that we talk to people and every time that my mother and I talk to people they seem to be interested . So we are thinking about a webpage where you sign up for a monthly menu that would include shopping list , menu , labels , etc . Who knows what will come of it , but it is an idea . I hope that you enjoyed my picture . That was half of the food that was made . My counters were full of food as well as the island , and my dining room table . We arrived on Friday afternoon and the " safari " got to swim in a kids pool and just hanging out . Then Nana made hamburgers and hotdogs for dinner . The " safari " got to watch lot of TV and then got to sleep on a queen air mattress . On Saturday we rode on the boat to the sandbar . Then we had lunch and rest time before we went fishing . Everyone fell asleep for at least an hour . In the pictures you will see that everyone decided to sleep on the couch with momma except for Jacob . After nap we went fishing off the dock at the lake house . Now Poppy Bobby has learned that it is more fun for a kid if they actually get to catch the fish , so he has a fish feeder . Elijah , Jacob and Esther Mae fished and caught something . The other two did not want anything to do with the fishing , but wanted to touch the fish that were caught . Jacob caught the biggest fish with a 2 pound catfish . We had dinner and then watched some more football before coming home . Noel and I have wanted to have a room for people who come and visit us that was just theirs . Our guest bedroom for the longest time was the open game room on the second floor . I am sure that there were no complaints , but there was no privacy and no closet . The boys moved into one room together and the girls were in another room . Noel and I decided to fix the fourth room into our guest room / sewing room . Of course with me I knew that we were going to paint the room and I wanted to try stripes . Now I have never done stripes and so I did my research and Noel was a trooper . Here is the room before : Boring ! ! ! ! ! ! Here is the room after Noel and I spent 6 hours putting up paint tape on the walls . Here is the room after we painted it . I think that the room turned out nice . The closet doors were put back on and the blinds are back up in the windows . It actually looks like a normal room in our crazy house . I would like to thank Noel and Katherine for helping me with the room and for the support that I was not crazy . Elijah , Joshua , Esther Mae , and Jacob are all playing T - Ball this season . The triplets are on the 3 year old team and Elijah is on the 4 year T - ball team . They got to practice only once before their first game because it rained on Tuesday . I think that they did outstanding . I put their last name on their jerseys so they would look nice . Also we were lucky to be able to pick our numbers for the triplets . Noel picked 2 , 3 , and 4 . So I made sure that Joshua , Esther Mae , and Jacob got the number that went with their birth order . Noel told us that we should make them wear numbers all the time . The game is only 2 innings . Each player gets to hit the ball and then run to first base and then the last batter for that team gets to bat and run all the bases . Then you switch and do that for 2 innings . I was very proud of the " safari " because they played the entire game and did not quit . Also we used our first porta potty . We survived and I am sure that we will survive it the next time that we have to use them . My friend , Dianna , saw this blog and thought it was a great idea . I think so as well . You get to swap your favorite things that you do with your kids with someone else . Then you get a package in the mail from someone else . I know I love getting mail and the " safari " will enjoy filling their box and receiving a box . If you want just click on the button and sign up to get on the list for this swap . Noel and I were driving to church yesterday and spotted this billboard . We were shocked and upset at the same time . It is one thing to come into a new mother 's room and try to get her to breastfeed because it seems to be the natural thing to do , but some women cannot breastfeed even after trying . For example I could not breastfeed because my milk was tested and it came back mostly water , like my mother . When I was born my mother breastfed me and I was not getting enough so I wanted to nurse on the hour . My mother nursed me every hour until my wise grandmother came and noticed that I was starving and gave me her own formula that she made . I drank it and slept for 8 hours . You see my mother was breastfeeding because she was told there were no other options if she wanted to be a good mother . After finding out that I could not breastfeed I realized that my son would be just fine and that he would still be normal and smart no matter what . When I gave birth the triplets the lactation consultant came into my room and tried to tell me that I was being a horrible mother because I was not breastfeeding even after I told her that my milk was more water than anything else . She told me that I was going to hinder my children from being smart . When we had Hannah the lactation consultant came in and I told her that I was not going to breastfeed because of my milk and because I had 4 toddlers at home . She got the hint and left me alone . I understand that there are benefits to breastfeeding and that if you are able to breastfeed then you should until you and your baby no longer desire it . There are some out there that cannot breastfeed and we should not be told we are horrible mothers because we cannot . It is a sad day when we are telling new mothers that they are going to hinder their children from day one ; what a message is that ? As Noel and I saw this billboard we came up with some things that were just as ridiculous . " If we had breastfed Elijah he would already have chest hair " " If we had breastfed our triplets they would be calculusCreated in Love by Noel and I have decided that having one birthday party makes more sense then trying to have three in three months . Also our " safari " all have the same friends . So this year we decided that school supplies / art supplies was going to be our theme , since we are getting ready to start homeschooling activities this year . We also decided that having the party in the evening was better since our backyard is mostly shaded in the early evening . Our good friends Kimber and Rob Gilbert brought their lawn furniture and the canopy so the bounce house would be covered . The kids had a great time . We had to come inside because everyone wad red - faced . We ate dinner , we had spaghetti , fruit salad , and bread . The kids also got cupcakes and normal cake . I tried to make a bee - hive cake and it turned out pretty nice . Rob Gilbert came over and showed everyone his police car . The kids thought that was great and got to sit in the driver 's seat while the lights were flashing . I think all and all everyone had a great time . Noel and I believe that everyone has a choice to do one thing or another . Now each choice can lead to a consequence , either good or bad . Noel and I were given a choice by Pops . A puppy or a fish tank . Now think about what you would choose . We chose a fish tank , no hesitation . The only thing is that we did not get to choose the fish tank . We gave Pops some options that we liked and we sent him fish tanks that would be good for the " safari . " Like we wanted one that was big enough so that everyone could see the fish without fighting . Pops called and stated that he got the fish tank and that he wanted to come down that day . So he came from San Antonio to help set up the fish tank . He should up and showed us that he decided on 90 gallons . The fish tank is great . Pops took the " safari " to PetSmart and let them pick up some accessories for the fish tank . Elijah picked a dinosaur , and the others just wanted to see the fish . So here is a picture of the fish tank . The lessons were Monday through Thursday for two weeks . The " safari " thought it was great and they loves their swim instructor , Stephanie . They were excited every day to go and even enjoyed the shower after the swim lessons . The kids got to " talk to the fish " and learned to swim and jump into the water . Stephanie was wonderful and she enjoyed the " safari . " Now Hannah was too young to start swim lessons at the YMCA so she swam with daddy while the others had swim lessons . Hannah enjoyed the quality time with daddy . Pops came to our house a couple of weeks ago to give the " safari " their birthday present ; a 90 gallon fish tank . After shopping with the " safari " and letting them pick the decorations for the fish tank , Pops took us all out to dinner . We were eating and Elijah decided that he needed to go potty . He wanted Pops to take him and Pops was more than willing to go . So they walk to the bathroom to find that the stalls are both full and the only thing that is left is the urinal . Now Elijah at first was not that excited about that . Given the choice of waiting for one of the stalls to open or peeing right then ; he was okay with the urinal . Elijah pulls his pants down and Pops picks him up to pee in the urinal and that is when my funny man made his comment . He asked " Pops can you hold my penis ? " Now you have to put in your head that the two stalls in the bathroom are full and they are not the only people at the urinals . So complete silence went to laughter . Pops was a little red . As a mother I am proud that my son named his anatomy with the right term and that he made a couple of men laugh . Now that story was probably told to whomever they encountered that day . So that is a potential of a lot of laughter . When we bought our house we did not know what trees and bushes we had in our backyard . So Noel decided to take a bush out that was next to the air conditioning unit because it was ugly . Well behind that bush there was a little tree / bush looking thing that Noel left alone . In this picture you have to look behind the bush and you can see the fig tree but it is only about 12 - 15 " tall . Do you see it ? I hope that you saw it , because this is what our fig tree looks like today . Now we love our fig tree . Last year we trimmed our fig tree so that it was not hanging over the A / C unit . It grew fantastically , so much that it grew about 18 " in every direction this year . We have figs all over the tree . We pulled the first fig off and we were totally surprised at the size of the fig . I put it in my hand so that you could really understand the size of it . Now most people have not eaten a really fig , but just what they had in a fig newton . Those are two totally different tastes . Our " safari " love figs and Noel and them just eat them straight off the tree . It is great . Created in Love by Well it is that time again , heat , food , darkness and fireworks . This year we added the " safari " to that mix . Noel and I thought it was time for the " safari " to stay up late and see the fireworks . Usually they are in bed and asleep by the time all the festivities are going on . We went to church and had a late lunch and made the " safari " take a nap so they would last until 9 : 15pm when the fireworks were going to start . We had company over for the festivities and that means there was food . We had the Gilbert 's and my parents with my nephew Aiden . We had bbq chicken , spiral ham , green bean casserole , potato salad , salad , and my banana pudding . The banana pudding got Rob out of bed and over to the house before he had to go to work for APD . It was great food and lots of fun with all of us sitting and enjoying all the great food . After that we all hung out until it was time for the fireworks . The great thing about our house is that we are close to the huge fireworks show at Milburn park in Cedar Park . We got to sit in our backyard and watch fireworks , and we did not have to travel anywhere . The " safari " had popcorn , kool - aide , and goldfish for the fireworks . As soon as the first firework went off Joshua jumped out of Nana 's lap and ran inside . Jacob , Esther , Hannah , and Elijah were okay with the fireworks as long as they were sitting with someone . Hannah lasted the longest and only came in when she started to get eaten by the bugs . Hopefully the " safari " will grow to like all the noise and pretty lights . They slept really well . Our " safari " love to ride on our backs . So Noel takes 3 and then I take 2 , and then we switch . Now we have to be really strong to be able to do that and so we get tired and tell the " safari " that the ride is broken . The other day I decided that it would be fun to teach them to ride a " bull . " ( me being the bull ) This our video of them riding the bull . I love the fact that they fix my shirt before they climb on me and also they know they are suppose to only hold on with one hand , even though some think they can do it with no hands . Also there is a little pushing in the beginning because Joshua wanted a turn . It is so great to hear them laugh and see the huge smiles from this activity . Noel and I have been keeping a secret for about 4 months and we decided that we could no longer keep it to ourselves , so we thought that we would share it . . . . . . NO WE ARE NOT PREGNANT ! ! ! All of you that thought that are just wrong , why would you wish that on us ? No , we had to keep a secret from one of our friends , Kimber , for her birthday . In March Noel found out that Jeff Dunham was coming to Austin and he called the usual suspects to see they wanted to go . Last year my brother Ben and his wife , Tracy went with us , but this year Tracy was going to 9 months pregnant and so they passed . Noel was talking to Rob and he said " yes " because that would be a great surprise for Kimber 's birthday . Kimber 's birthday is June 28th . That is right I had to keep this secret for a long time . So Rob decided to have dinner and then we would go and see Jeff Dunham . We went to Perry 's . Noel and I had never been and so we were excited to try something new , and we do not get out much and so it was nice . The food was expensive for us on a budget . We loved the food but we would go on Monday night for their special or for lunch on Friday when their famous pork chop is $ 10 . 95 and not $ 30 . 00 . The experience was great and we liked the atmosphere . The restraunt is in an old bank and looks fabulous . Jeff Dunham was good and we loved his show . Kimber was totally surprised and she has no clue what was going on . Thank you mom for coming and watching the " safari " for the evening . Our " safari " love the movies Toy Story and Toy Story 2 , so when Noel and I saw that they were going to come out with the third Toy Story we knew that would be the one that we would see in a movie theater . We were going to go to San Antonio and see it on the triplet 's birthday but Pops had to work and so we decided that it would be great to see it on a weekday in the late afternoon so there would not be so many people . So we saw Toy Story on Tuesday , at 4 : 20 in the afternoon . Here are a few pictures of the experience that we captured . I brought bowls and their sippy cups for the movie . Pops bought popcorn , candy and Hi - C for the movie . Each of them were excited about the seats , and the darkness . All 5 of them sat through the entire movie and not one had a meltdown , and we did not have to leave the movie . Aunt Kim , Cousin Jake were in for vacation and they shared the experience with us . I think that we are going to a movie person , we will be a $ 1 movie theater family . Thank you Pops for a wonderful experience we love you and will see you soon . Noel came home the other day and he had a newspaper clipping on the counter . While I was finishing dinner I read the article on the counter . I was taken back at what the article stated . It stated that the appraisal firm that Noel works for is not really an appraisal firm but a lobbyist firm for industry . It called Noel 's company a " fox in the hen house . " It also stated that his company made more money then they really did on an account . My first response was that I did not know that I was married to a lobbyist , and that he needed to ask for a raise if one county paid the appraisal firm $ 500 , 000 for their services . I am no longer surprised at what is printed in the paper anymore . There is really no more journalism in the newspaper world when a paper can print an article and not check the facts . Now this article was written to the editor but apparently he did not check the facts before printing it . He thought that is was going to be a good bit of gossip on the county next to them . If you want to read the entire article you can find it here . Now here are the facts : The appraisal firm that Noel works for is hired by the county . They appraise property so that the county can send out tax bills like you get with personal property . They also go and defend that value if it is protested . They do not represent industry , those people are not called appraisers but agents . For example : Lets say that Noel is in charge of appraising an oil refinery . He sets up an appointment with that company so that they can have their agent and their people there when he comes . He makes an appraisal of the company and sends the county that hired his firm what he thinks the value of the company is , now that value is not based on just what Noel thinks but what the property was valued last year and what changes to the company , industry , and economy has happened . The county sends the company a bill . Now 99 . 9 % of the time the company does not agree with the value so they have their agent call Noel to try to lower the value . As Noel puts it " I am not a Created in Love by For the summer Noel and I wanted to make sure that we say all the grandparents on a regular basis . We try to get to Pop 's house at least one weekend a month , even though he thinks that is not enough . The " safari " love Pops 's and his dogs , named Yager and Bosco . Well the " safari " have renamed Yager to Lego , because that is easier to say . They do not want to be in the same room as the dogs or on the same side of the fence as the dogs but they love the dogs . When we do see Pops we try to go to the park that is close to his house . Every time I have to remind myself that my " safari " is not normal and that they are going to climb on everything way too early and that I just need to put my trust in God that he is going to keep them safe and that my husband and Pops have good response time if something goes wrong . Hannah is no exception to that rule . As you see in the slideshow she is climbing up a ladder that is meant for " big " kids . Pops also got the " safari " a inflatable pool along with a slip n slide . On Friday night the " safari " did really well and had a blast but on Saturday the girls decided that they were going to have a meltdown and so they did not swim in pool but were taken inside and the boys played with daddy and Pops . Hannah fell asleep inside . On this trip we stayed two nights and we came up with new sleeping arrangements . In the past the girls have slept in pack n plays in the bathroom and the boys have slept on the king size bed . Well with the girls getting taller that is not working so well anymore so the new sleeping arrangement is that daddy and girls sleep in one bed and the boys and mommy sleep in another bed . Noel can have more room if he sleeps with the girls then with the boys because Jacob loves to sleep horizontally . It went really well and everyone got some sleep . About a week before we were scheduled to go to the lake house I decided to watch a little girl so her mother could go and see her husband before he left for the middle east . We agreed that it would be okay to take her with us ; she had never been to a lake house and all the adventure that goes with that . So on Friday I picked her up and we headed to the lake house . On Friday night we ate dinner and played outside for a little while , fished and then we went to bed . The girls slept in one room and the rest of us slept out in the living room . Noel got sick in the middle of the night and was out of commission for the first part of Saturday . Noel 's mother and step - father were there to have a blast . Now Papa Bobby bought Elijah a fishing pole about a month before this trip and we had been practicing throwing the line and getting the fish . You see , Papa Bobby decided that he was going to make fishing as easy as possible for his grand babies . So he has a fish feeder that feeds the fish three times a day so the fish stay close to the dock . So Elijah caught some fish and Jacob caught a fish and the rest of the " safari " just wanted to touch the fish in the bucket . On Saturday afternoon while everyone was sleeping Papa Bobby and I went fishing . We caught 16 fish in about an hour and one of them was a catfish and the other where blue gill . The fish were fantastic and I loved eating every single one of them . The highlight of the trip for the " safari " was touching the fish , looking at the fish , getting rides on the riding lawn mower , and playing in the dog kennel in the house . We are glad that everyone had a great time and that the " safari " loves the lake house . We are going in July for another trip . I thought it would be nice for Nana to hear from her grand kids on her birthday . They are so cute and just want to see the video camera , but it only took one shot to get them to all be in the same place at the same time , saying the same thing . Mom , we love you and are very glad that you near . We hope that you enjoy your birthday even though we are not there with you . As the " safari " stated we will see you on Saturday . About a year ago our house plumbing line decided to get clogged and to flood the kitchen and parts of the playroom and dining room . After cleaning it up and replacing the wet carpet pad , Noel and I started planning for what we were going to do . Also the fact that my carpet went from beige to zebra kool - aide stripped carpet did help in the decision as well . Noel and I decided that it was a good time to change the carpet . Then we decided that if we were going to change the carpet that we wanted to do some things to the first floor before the new carpet was put in . The list went like this : Scraping the ceilings was not that bad and we did that in about a week . Once the ceiling were scraped Noel and I started on our own projects . I was in charge of the painting and Noel was in charge of fixing holes , running wires , cutting cement board for the fireplace , tiling the fireplace and entry - way from the french doors , putting up molding , moving ceiling fans , running wire for future electrical needs , and doing the stairs . I was motivated to get the painting done and I did . I even painted the electrical outlets . My arms hurt pretty bad after I painted the ceiling and all the walls , but my house was looking great . Noel wanted to know what was under the half - wall landing . It was painted white but we thought that there was a nice wood underneath . After sanding it we found that the wood was fantastic and that we wanted to stain it to match the entertainment center . Noel also wanted to sand the wall that our projection screen beams on to a smooth surface . All the sanding caused a lot of dust to fly through my house . So every night while we were cleaning we just kept telling ourselves that when it was all done we would feel fantastic and it would look great . There was a lot of dusting and washing of all items . When we did the stairs we contained the dust for the most part but we had to disconnect the fire alarms because they were going off because of all the dust . The demolition was the fun part . We got to destroy the fireplace Sheetrock and rip the marble off the fireplace . I had fun with the hammer , wonder bar and my hands . Then after the demolition then Noel cut the cement board for the fireplace and he started to tile . Now Noel has become a great tile man because of all the other tile jobs that we have done in our home . He impressed me greatly when he started cutting tiles at 45 degree angles for the edges of the fireplace . Also his tile work was great on the floor and the thought process that he went through to make sure that the floor was smooth and uniform . Also the " safari " helped by removing the tile spacers every morning after Noel tiled a section of the fireplace . The hardest part for me was the holes in the ceiling . Noel thought it would be a great idea to run the wires for our surround sound through the ceiling instead of under the carpet . It sounded fine until he started to cut the holes in the ceiling . He promised me that he would fix the holes . The stairs were a challenged . We were not going to do the stairs because we were not going to pay the installer of our carpet what they wanted to charge to do each stair and the laminate was not in our budget . When we went to pay for the carpet install there was laminate of clearance and the manager sold me each box for $ 15 if I took all nine boxes . SOLD . You see each box was normally $ 54 a box . The only thing was that there was underlayment on each piece that I had to scrape off so that we could lay it on our stairs , but the savings was worth the pain and suffering of scraping the underlayment off the laminate . Also we had to cut off the front sides of the stairs as well ; so I got to use the router to get the fronts off and then Noel used a chisel to remove the remaining pieces off . Noel spent a lot of time cutting each piece to make sure that it worked and when we were finally done nailing in our final piece of the stairs and we looked up at our gorgeous stairs it was well worth the time , pain , suffering and energy we used . All in all Noel and I had a great time with this project . We like to make our home better and we love to do it ourselves . I think we appreciate it more because we know how many late nights we stayed up to finish it . There are a few things that we still need to do , but we had to stop because Noel starts his travel season again and so we will pick up on weekends and do what we can . Please enjoy our slideshow . The first couple of pictures are when we first looked at the house and I was pregnant with Elijah . Having children is a beautiful thing and it is a blast to see them grow and learn . But really it is great when they can help out around the house and outside . The " safari " has been learning more and more things lately that have helped Noel and I . Now if you really want to know it takes at least 3X more time to do the chore but the " safari " love to help . The " safari " help by , setting the table with plates , spoons and glasses ; then there is the undressing and dressing themselves and putting dirty clothes into the washing machine . They pick up their own toys and love to help with unloading the dishwasher . Trash day is fun , because the " safari " love to do the bulky items that we keep on top of the dryer until trash day . Lately the " safari " has been helping outside with Noel more . They love to pick up rocks and put them in the rock pile , and they love to help him with branches . Noel and I feel that we are building character with each new learned task . We want out " safari " to know what it is like to work hard and that there is a payoff at the end of the task . I captured a picture of them all helping Noel in the backyard the other day that just made me smile . |
Category : Relationships Sleep Is Worth Fighting For Before I had Little E , just about a month ago , I would have killed for a full night 's sleep . My back hurt , I couldn 't sleep on my stomach , I was waking up every few hours … I would look at my peacefully sleeping husband and think horrible , horrible thoughts in my sleep - deprived jealousy . I couldn 't wait to give birth and be able to sleep again . I know what you 're thinking : " How did she think she was going to sleep with a newborn ? " This is not my first rodeo , folks . I knew what I was getting myself into . But the first time around , I did it alone . My daughter 's father was not in the picture . I woke up for every feeding and diaper change . I was there for everything . I dealt with sleep deprivation like a champ . But this time around , I had my loving husband by my side . Surely I would be able to alternate middle of the night feedings with him . Together we would get through this without a hitch . Sure , I remembered how hard it was . Sure , I had read about women who wanted to strangle their husbands in their sleep . But my husband and I are a team ! We were going to beat those odds . The two days after I had Little E , while we were still in the hospital , confirmed everything I believed . My husband was the epitome of what new dads should be . I couldn 't get out of bed so he changed every diaper and was hands on with all of the feedings . It was a beautiful thing to watch … this transformation that he made . Before , he was the man who wouldn 't hold anyone else 's baby - ever . But here he was , so involved in our own fragile little newborn . It 's still beautiful to watch them together . But I digress . We came home from the hospital and things stayed roughly the same . I would wake up for the midnight and 3am feedings , then T would take the 6am and 9am shift . Or vice versa . I would get up with the baby for an entire night so that he could catch up on sleep , then he would do the same for me . His nights became increasingly more difficult , as the baby wouldn 't seem to go back to sleep for him , so I tried to take a couple nights in a row to his one night . Depending upon his work schedule , he still tries to help out in the middle of the night , which I am eternally grateful for . Then there are the nights that he can 't help and even though these nights are not his fault , I look at him peacefully sleeping and I wish harm on him . Not death or dismemberment , but at the very least the same excruciating calf cramps that would wake me up from a deep slumber while I was pregnant . I 'm sure he 's wished the same upon me those nights when the baby gives him a hard time and I 'm fast asleep . I 've snapped at him over the stupidest things … something I was hoping would end after the surge of pregnancy hormones had escaped my scarred , shriveling body . We often go to bed barely speaking now , not because we 're angry with each other ( as far as I know ) but more out of sheer exhaustion . There 's a good chance that at any given moment in our house either someone is sleeping ( the baby ) or someone needs a nap ( either one of us ) . To the teenagers out there thinking , " I want a baby so that I have someone who loves me forever , " or the early 20 - somethings thinking you 're ready , I say this : This is how you know if you 've found true love or not . When you are so tired that you want to physically harm the person you love , but you stop yourself because you would miss them and your life would be infinitely worse without them in it , that is true love . I have found that with the man of my dreams … even on the days when I 'm fighting for 5 more minutes of sleep . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on May 31 , 2016Categories Baby , Parenting , RelationshipsTags newborn , sleepLeave a comment on Sleep Is Worth Fighting For Thank you I know it 's sappy , but with this pregnancy drawing to a close I want to take this post and thank all of the people that have dealt with me over the past few months . I know there have been times when I have been down right intolerable and to the best of my knowledge I haven 't lost any friends permanently over it . So let 's start there . To my friends , thank you for dealing with the fact that I had zero motivation to do anything during trimesters one and three . It wasn 't that I didn 't want to hang out with you . It was simply that I could not leave the comfort of my pajamas , my couch , and Netflix . Getting dressed and putting in effort to look half decent were not on my to do list for those long months . And even though I kept the house half - decent ( you 're welcome , my loving , obsessive - compulsive husband ) , the thought of entertaining anyone at our house made me want to take a nap . Otherwise I would have invited you over to sit and watch Netflix with me . Thank you all for realizing that this was just a phase and not thinking I was abandoning you forever . I hope I was still there for you in some way if and when you needed me . Co - workers , thank you for dealing with my unbridled rage towards people in general and letting me vent my work frustrations on you . And thank you for telling me how good I still looked , even when I felt like my body resembled E . T . ( which I still believe , by the way ) . To my family , thank you for tolerating my mood swings and crying fits ( those of you who saw them ) . I was far more emotional during this pregnancy than my last one . Granted , there were far more life - changing events this time around too . I married the love of my life and I lost one of the most important people in the world to me , my grandfather , along with a few other ups and downs . And while I 'm so grateful I had my mom , stepdad , brother , and sister nearby this time around , it was definitely hard being away from all of my New Jersey family . There was definitely more reason to be emotional this pregnancy . To my in - laws , thank you for welcoming me and my daughter into your family so completely , for trusting me with your son / brother 's heart , and for making us feel like we were completing the puzzle of his life . Thank you for helping out and babysitting on the days where our schedules overlapped and neither of us could switch shifts . Thank you for helping to organize our wedding and baby shower . We could not have gotten through the past few months without you . To my mother … I could not have gotten through the past few months ( who am I kidding ? past few years is more accurate ) without your help and guidance . You 've supported me through motherhood , through my relationship with T and all the insecurities about taking the giant leap to move out of your home and in with him , through my wedding , and now through this pregnancy . You 've watched my Peanut almost every weekend so that I could work and help support my family . You 've been understanding when I worked through the night , which made me sleep all day and left me barely able to make it to your house on a Saturday to spend time with her . Not to mention the days when I felt like I had been hit by a truck and really couldn 't make the drive up . Never once did you make me feel like I was burdening you or like I was a terrible mother , even though I felt like one . To my daughter , it 's been a rough couple of months for you , little one . I went from playing in the yard with you and running around like a maniac to having no energy at all . You 're taking on the role of big sister soon and there will be so many changes in your life . The one on one time hasn 't ended , I promise . It will just have to be planned better now . Thank you for understanding on the days where you 've had to play by yourself in the playroom because I physically just couldn 't move . Thank you for falling asleep next to me on the couch instead of tearing the house apart when I 've fallen asleep at 7 : 30 and you 're still awake . We 've had some hiccups here and there , but we 've talked through them and I think we 're going to be okay . I know you 're going to be the best big sister ever . Even if you can 't have your " bunk - crib " invention . Trust me , you 're going to enjoy having your own room once the baby is here and up at all hours of the night . Most of all , I 'm sorry that you 've had to bear the brunt of my mood swings and impatience . Thank you for being so understanding beyond your years . I don 't know what I did to be lucky enough to call you mine , but I 'm happy I did it . Finally , to my husband … I don 't even know where to start . You had no idea what you were getting into when we agreed to start trying for a baby . Neither of us expected for it to happen so quickly . But I wouldn 't change a thing . You have supported me through every up and down from this pregnancy . You 've cooked when I had no appetite for anything ; you 've cleaned when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch . You 've calmed me after my weekly emotional meltdowns and you stood by me when , early on , I started spotting and was convinced we were losing the baby . You 've dealt with my nonexistent libido , the way I can go from happy to crying to irate in seconds , the way I always have a story to tell you right as you 're walking out the door … and you 've done all of it in the most loving manner possible . You are my rock . And while I wouldn 't be in this position without you , I couldn 't have gotten through it without you either . Last time , I went through all of it alone . And while I knew it would have been easier to have someone who loved me by my side , I didn 't realize how much of a difference it made . I can 't wait to see your face when you look into our baby 's eyes for the first time . I can 't wait for all of the firsts that we get to share together . Most of all , I can 't wait to see you just be a dad . You 've already done it with Peanut , but this time you get to start from the beginning and learn with the baby . I can 't wait to see what a great dad you 'll be and I have no doubt you 're going to put everything you have into being just that . I don 't know if we 'll have another baby after this one . That discussion is still on the back burner for now . But I 'm grateful to have this experience and to go through it with so many loving and supportive people by my side . It 's definitely been a trip so far . And I can 't wait for the next leg of the journey . A week and a half ago , my grandfather passed away . While everyone in the family knew it was coming and many of us took the opportunity to travel to see him in his final days and say our goodbyes , it didn 't make the loss sting any less . There is a hole in our family that will never be replaced . The thought of never hearing his laugh again breaks my heart . He had a great laugh . I 'm just lucky that baby # 2 gets to have such an amazing guardian angel looking out for him / her . Then there were the repetitious arguments with my 6 - year old about brushing her teeth correctly , finishing her homework , finishing her dinner , etc . That cycle never ends . I feel like it 's preparing us for the teenage years when we fight over much bigger issues . She 's going to be my rebel child . I just know it . Hopefully the new addition is calmer like my husband and me . On the plus side , I had a very informative meeting with a professional blogger late last week and she gave me a step by step guide to promoting my blog and getting on the right track to start making an income from it . While my goal is to hit my current income or higher by the end of the year , maternity leave is coming up fast and any income there will be helpful . I 've also decided to revamp the website and keep track of the process that I go through in order to get to that goal . If I can stay at home with my kids while still earning a decent living doing something I love I have to try it . I 'd be crazy not to . Finally , today we went looking at a house . Not just a house . THE house . It met both of our requirements for what our dream home should have : 4 bedrooms , 2 bathrooms , a separate family room that can be turned into a playroom , on an acre of land surrounded by farm land , with a pool and a gazebo in the backyard . It even had a tree on the edge of the property that would be perfect to build a tree house in . T , who is the least impulsive person I know , was the first to suggest we put in an offer as soon as we heard there were 2 other offers being submitted on it today . Then we crunched the numbers and it wasn 't in the cards for us . While we could make it work , there are just too many variables and too many other things we need to get done before we 'll be able to buy it . If it 's already off the market by then , it wasn 't meant to be . At least that 's what I keep telling myself . When life keeps throwing you curveballs , how do you take it in stride instead of getting overwhelmed ? Well , I 'm not exactly an expert , and I 've been known to get overwhelmed quite a few times , but I 'm also pretty logical when it comes to these things . In my family , we always look for the funny side of a situation . That 's just how we deal . As far as my grandfather goes , it 's cliche to say that he 's in a better place now , but he is . His quality of life had dwindled down to nothing . By default , so had my grandmother 's . She spent every day taking care of him and going above and beyond to make sure he was comfortable . She 's incredible . Now she doesn 't have to automatically decline an invitation to go out to dinner with friends , come out to western PA for a baby shower , or even miss church because she 's unsure whether Poppop will be having a good day or not . It 's the first time in 54 years that her life doesn 't revolve around him . As a newlywed , that feels earth shattering to me . But , at the same time , it has to be a little bit liberating for her . They always loved to travel and she hasn 't been able to for the past few years because of Poppop 's health . Now she can go anywhere her heart takes her . Please don 't think I 'm being callous by saying this . My grandparents equally mean the world to me . I 'm blessed to have had them both for as long as I have . But if I 'm going to look for a silver lining in this dark cloud , it 's going to be her and the opportunities that now stand before her . I hope she 's brave enough to take them . As for my daughter , I 'm going to remind myself that I wouldn 't have the life I have if not for her . If she had not come into my life , I never would have left New Jersey , I never would have decided that I had to set a better example for her and start dating men who were worth my time instead of just taking up my time , I never would have met my husband , and I never would have appreciated him the way I do . So , let her have her phase . We 'll get through it . Hopefully unscathed and stronger for it . I 'm going to take a deep breath and remember that this is the life I always dreamed of , even if it didn 't happen exactly how I planned it to . As far as our dream home goes , I 'm gonna chalk that one up to a learning experience . We now know exactly what we have to do in order to be ready to list our current home and we have a plan in place to get it done . We also have a plan to pay down some of our debt , which , in turn , would free up some of our monthly income and allow us to afford a bigger mortgage without becoming house poor . I 'd much rather wait and do things the right way than rush into buying this home only to have it all flip upside down on us at the worst possible moment . What 's the point of buying your dream home if you 're not ready and you lose it to foreclosure ? Or you ruin your marriage in the process fighting over money all the time ? No thanks . I 'll hold off on that one . Basically , I 'm telling you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture . The situation you 're in right now might not be ideal , but it may be leading you towards a better scenario . Seven years ago , when I was pregnant and alone , do you think I thought it was the best place for me to be ? No . But it led me to here . And I 've never been happier , closer to my family , or had such an amazing group of friends as I do right now in my life . And I wouldn 't trade this life for anything . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on February 16 , 2016Categories Finances , Parenting , Personal , RelationshipsTags bright side , dealing with loss , disappointment , family , positive , upliftingLeave a comment on How to Just Get Through It Pregnancy Makes Me Crazy I am a pretty fair - tempered person . I swear . For most of my post - pubescent years I have been the sane one , the laid back one , the easy to get along one . Even with my first pregnancy , I rarely had mood swings , I was always smiling and quick to laugh , and I worked right up until the end of my pregnancy without complaint . Fast forward to now … Not so much . I 've literally become a crazy person . While I 'm secretly hoping this is due to an ungodly amount of testosterone flowing through my veins ( PLEASE , PLEASE PLEASE … LET THIS ONE BE A BOY ! ! ! ! lol ) I 'm not exactly sure if that 's the reason or not . But lately , I am so quick to lose my temper , I am so quick to lose my patience with customers at work ( discreetly in the wait station where the flow of insults and curse words that come out of my mouth would make a sailor blush ) , and I am so quick to get upset with my husband over the stupidest things . That 's the worst part . I know these things that I 'm flipping out over are stupid . I know I 'm acting completely irrationally . But there is nothing I can do about it ! ! ! It 's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers over here . Case in point , a couple of weeks ago we had an especially exhausting week over here . Him with work , me with work and Peanut , Peanut with school , and so on . On Sunday night , my only day off from both jobs , I went to pick up my little one from my moms , came home , and we all passed out on the couch for a while . After dinner , I passed out again . I was completely useless that night . On Tuesday night , he did the same thing . I wasn 't mad . It had just happened to me . We 're good . But , when it happened again on Wednesday , I was livid . Thursday , as I was trying to clean the house and he decided to rearrange the living room , I lost it on him for no good reason . None . I was sobbing and irrational , I cried off and on for hours after , and nothing good came from the situation . I think we 've argued more since I 've been pregnant than we have our entire relationship . And it 's almost always because of something that I 'm blowing completely out of proportion . Now , I 'm not trying to be sexist here . I 'm all about feminism and women 's rights . But , if anything , I would have thought this would have happened with my first pregnancy with double the estrogen . I mean , scientifically , estrogen is linked to us being more emotional and more in touch with our feelings , isn 't it ? Now double that . I would have thought that carrying a girl would make me far more susceptible to these emotional outbursts . And it 's not like I gave birth to a tomboy . She 's 100 % girly girl diva . So what is going on with me ? ? ? ? Again , " we " want to be surprised , so I 'm not sure what baby # 2 is , but either way , he / she is making me lose my marbles a little bit . I 'm also cranky at work , which is not a good thing when you work in the customer service industry . An already thankless , under - appreciated job is now amplified by my pregnancy hormones and my lack of ability to control them . Things I used to be able to brush off I now spaz out about . The same customer that 's been coming in for 2 1 / 2 years and never tips … I hate that guy now . Before I could tolerate him . Now , I totally avoid him because screw that guy . The same customers that come in on the same days and ask for the same things over and over again … I used to find some solace in their continuity and routine . Now I 'm annoyed by them . It 's out of control . I 'm definitely earning this little " vacation " from work . Hopefully by the time I go back I will be so happy to be out of the house and talking to adults again that I will have refreshed myself for both the industry and my wallet 's sakes . At the very least , I hope it gives me the opportunity to enjoy my job and appreciate my husband again . Those are kind of essential for a happy life . Well , after a refreshing lunch with my sister - in - law and nephew , I feel a little recharged . I 'm going to relax , order a pizza for tonight , and head into work optimistic for a change . We 'll see how that goes . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on January 30 , 2016Categories Baby , Personal , RelationshipsLeave a comment on Pregnancy Makes Me Crazy Blessed Being the mother of a strong - willed 6 - year old with whom I have entirely too much personality in common means that there are many times when I fail to appreciate the person that she 's becoming and focus more on how I want her to behave . We fight about the same things on an almost daily basis . While I love being a mother , and feel blessed to be her mom in particular , sometimes it 's hard to keep that in perspective on a daily basis . My peanut has been off of school for the past two days and I 've been home with her . Yesterday was a snow day ; today we had doctor 's appointments at the local children 's hospital . It was also a chance for quality one on one time with her and a chance to appreciate her again . While yesterday was filled with playing in the snow and making an igloo , today I got to appreciate what a brave little girl she has become . Peanut was born with one leg longer than the other . While we don 't exactly hide this fact , it 's also not something we talk about often either . I took her to a pediatric orthopedic in New Jersey from birth until the time she was about 2 1 / 2 years old … Every six months like clockwork to keep an eye on the discrepancy and make sure it didn 't get any worse . There was also a concern that she would develop tumors in her belly , which is another symptom of a potential disorder . When that doctor started talking about leg - lengthening surgery , I stopped going to him . The surgery would basically consist of breaking her left femur , separating it slightly , then pinning it in place and forcing the leg to mend itself and the space . It 's extremely painful and was something I deemed unnecessary . Please keep in mind that she was walking at 11 months , has been taking gymnastics since she was 2 1 / 2 , plays soccer and t - ball , and runs just like any other kid . This " disorder " has not hindered her in any way , and this is her normal . To put my child through that much pain … I just couldn 't do that . Ever . Last March , however , she started complaining about her belly hurting . This brought back concerns over tumors and the like . MedExpress diagnosed her with an ulcer and gave her medication for it . It seemed to help . In December , the pain came back . I immediately scheduled an appointment with her pediatrician , who was concerned about the previous diagnosis considering they went off a blood test rather than doing a scope . I also brought up my concerns about this being related to her leg discrepancy . This led to today 's appointments at Children 's . As we left the house this morning and took the drive up there , we talked about what might happen at her appointments and her concerns . She was worried she would have to get another finger prick or a shot . All she wanted was stickers and a lollipop . I told her what I knew they were checking for , but I was honest about not knowing what the day had in store for us . First up , the orthopedic doctor . She had to change into a gown , which was shorter than she was comfortable with so she wrapped a towel around her waist , and went in for her x - rays . She did wonderful . The doctor was amazing - very personable and easy to understand . Spoke professionally , but did not use all medical jargon that a layperson wouldn 't understand . He was also great with her . We talked about the discrepancy , how it had stayed roughly the same over the last 4 years , and what his concerns and plans were . There was a brief discussion of surgery around age 11 , but there is still plenty of time for monitoring her condition before that becomes a major discussion . Next came the gastro doctor . We talked at great length about Peanut 's eating habits , drinking habits , defecating habits , etc . She spoke to my daughter directly and only asked me questions when she needed more clarification or my child didn 't know the answer to a question . We talked about her " ulcer " and how we 've remedied the situation since last March . My daughter sat there so well behaved and answered so clearly and distinctly . I was very proud of her . Then came time for testing , and she had to give blood and a stool sample . She cried during the blood draw , but I can 't blame her . It 's scary for a 6 - year old . As we were sitting there , it occurred to me how brave my little one really is and what a wonderful person she 's becoming . Here she was , out the door at 7 : 30am , seeing doctors and running all over the hospital until after noon , and almost the entire time she was calm , barely complained , and did exactly what was asked of her even when she was scared beyond belief . I felt like it was an honor for me to be the one to hold her hand while she went through all of this . We went to lunch after and talked about how she felt , what the doctors had said so far , what we were waiting to find out , and what we would do with the rest of our day . She took off her bandage from the blood draw by herself even though it hurt to do it . Then she finished her milkshake , and we headed home . As she napped in the car on the way home , I couldn 't help but think how lucky I am that I get to be her mom and how often I forget that lately . This person changed my life 100 % for the better . She welcomed my husband into our little circle with open arms and creates beautiful little cards for him that say , " To Dad . " She constantly comes home with art projects made just for me , kisses me and tells me she loves me for no reason , and gives me hugs at the exact moment I need them . While I get lost in the day to day stresses of telling her again and again to shut off her bedroom light , clean up after herself , and complete her homework , she 's floating along in her own world , singing at the top of her lungs , totally unphased by me . She is such a wonderful little person and as I tucked her in tonight after reading a chapter in her book , I made sure to tell her as much . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on January 27 , 2016Categories Parenting , Personal , RelationshipsLeave a comment on Blessed Snow Day I spent a good 2 hours yesterday trying to free myself the rest of the way from the snow . Luckily , I have wonderful neighbors that came over to help . Even their adorable little 3 - year old had his shovel . Finally , I was free and able to go pick up Peanut from my mom 's . School was canceled for today , so we 're trying to figure out what to do with ourselves . Stay inside , watch Netflix , and drink hot chocolate is not good enough for a 6 - year old . However , the Dyson Hot and Cold fan that I ordered ( upon recommendation from multiple friends who have kids of their own and did extensive research ) and the door draft guards that I ordered to warm up our home also arrived today , so they are all set up and will hopefully get her into the " Play in your playroom " spirit . Hey , wishful thinking . So far , the plans for today include writing , folding the laundry that I 've been avoiding for days , getting layered up and going outside to create an igloo and possibly shovel a path to the mailbox , then coming back inside to play board games , drink hot chocolate , and take a nap . Peanut has already picked out what she wants to help make for dinner tonight , so we will be working on that later , as well as running to the store to pick up some items for the freeze ahead meals I talked about the other day . Seems full enough to me . My little girl is so excited to go out in the snow . I understand her excitement , but I honestly hate the snow more than you can imagine . I was built for an island somewhere … Some place warm and tropical , where the only things that are frozen are the drinks . I 'm that girl that hates having the fan blow directly on her , or the A / C on full blast . Once I 'm cold , it takes me a lifetime to get warm again . Remind me why I moved to western PA again ? Lol . Sorry for such a short post today , but we 're looking forward to getting started . I will write more later to update on how everything went and hopefully include pictures of our igloo . Wish me luck ! Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on January 25 , 2016Categories Parenting , Personal , RelationshipsLeave a comment on Snow Day Our Furry Kids About 13 months ago , a little terrier mix found his way into our home . T 's dog was out front . When he went to let her in , this little guy came running into the house , straight to the top of our stairs , and wagged his tail like he was home . He wore a black collar with no tags , but was well fed and had just had his nails groomed . It was the middle of December , so we could not , in good conscience , let him back out on the streets . We put posts on Facebook , took him to the vet to see if he was microchipped , and posted Found Dog signs in the neighborhood . No one responded . Since he was not fixed and neither was our female dog , we had to lock him in the garage for the night to keep them separated . He whined and scratched at the door the entire night . The . Entire . Night . In the morning , I got Peanut up and off to school , let the dogs outside and back in , and went back to bed because I had slept so poorly the night before . When T and I finally woke up for good , we sat in the kitchen drinking our coffee and T looked at me and said , " I say we name him Westley . " To which I responded , " Goodnight , Westley . Sleep well . I 'll most likely kill you in the morning . " ( We 're both ridiculously huge Princess Bride fans . ) A few days later I woke up to our new dog with his shiny new Westley name tag . We were adopting him . The first few months were difficult - especially until we got him fixed . Westley is a runner . If the front door is open for more than 5 seconds , he 's gone . Strangely enough , though , he comes home after about an hour or so and scratches at the front door . He doesn 't run away as often now , but it still happens every once in a while . The best story happened late that first December . Westley got out while I was driving halfway across the state to get Peanut back from her dad . It was the night we were going to celebrate our Christmas . We came home to every door downstairs being closed ( which makes the front entrance feel very claustrophobic ) , T and his dog waiting at the door , and loud barking coming from the garage . T looked at me and held his bloody hands out to me for help cleaning himself up . It seems that his first reaction when Westley fled was to run after him . In his socks . Over the wet grass . As soon as he hit pavement , however , his now wet socks failed him and he ate it . Hard . He tore up the palms of his hands , his right elbow , and his knees . And he still chased after the dog and got him home . The dog , however , was banished to the garage for the night . That was also the night that he proposed to me and Peanut ( yes , he bought her a ring too ) . As he knelt down on one knee and asked me to marry him , he finished by saying , " This would hurt a whole lot less if I didn 't just eat pavement 45 minutes ago . " I smiled through my tears and kissed him . I love that man and the little moments like that . Westley has been a part of our family since . He jumps into bed with us at night and paws at the top of the sheets until we let him under , then curls up into a ball and spoons us . He greets me every day as I walk through the door , even if all I did was walk the driveway and get the mail . He even knows that the 2 : 50pm alarm on my phone means it 's time to walk to the bus stop to pick up Peanut . He gets so excited for it . And , he helped us through one of the toughest times in our lives and our relationship . When I met T , I was in competition with the other love of his life - his dog , Blue . She was a beautiful Blue Healer / Husky mix with one brown eye and one blue eye and she had the sweetest disposition . The first time I met her , I immediately scratched that spot on her back right above her tail and we were fast friends . She would cuddle with me on the couch and would jump into our bed to cuddle in the mornings after T had left for work . Even though she will always be his dog , I like to think we shared a little piece of each others ' hearts . While T had her for almost 9 years , I only got to share 2 of those . On August 21st , we woke up , but Blue didn 't . She passed away in her sleep that night , watching over my peanut . It 's the first time I ever saw T cry . Thinking of the hole she left in our family still makes me tear up . I still can 't listen to that song , ' See You Again ' from the newest Fast and the Furious movie without sobbing . The morning that we found Blue , Westley laid on Sophie 's bed and cried . It was both endearing and heartbreaking . He walked around the house lost and aimless the next few days . We all did . But having him there to cuddle with , going through the daily routine with him , seeing how excited he was when any of us came home … That 's what got us through that time . I am forever in his debt because of that . T latched onto him after that day . He would come home , go in our room , and just cuddle with Westley on Blue 's old dog bed for an hour or more each day . The two of them now have an inseparable bond . T still has his off days where he misses his best friend , but having Westley here definitely made the transition a little easier . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on January 19 , 2016Categories Personal , RelationshipsLeave a comment on Our Furry Kids 5 Minutes of Peace Job # 2 let me leave a little over an hour early today because we were slow . I could have picked up Peanut from her after school program early , but I know she was looking forward to going . T won 't be home from work for another half hour or so . I decided to take this opportunity to run to Target and pick up a few things that Peanut needs for school ( along with a few things that we didn 't need ) , stopped at Dollar General to pick up snacks for the gift basket the girls from work are putting together for our friend who is leaving , and come home to write today 's blog entry . It 's not often that I 'm wide awake , feeling productive , and have a quiet house . Usually I prefer to take that opportunity to nap . However , since Peanut pointed out last night that I was on the computer a lot yesterday ( I had quite a few posts to catch up on ) and one of my resolutions was to spend less time on there , I thought I 'd get this done before she gets home so that I can focus my attention on her . As moms we 're always running somewhere or busy doing something . There 's always something around the house that needs to be done , an errand to run , and the endless task of laundry for which there 's no cure . We put our families ' needs before our own and we constantly give of ourselves for their sake . It 's in the programming . But every once in a while it 's nice to just sit back and do something for ourselves . Maybe you get your nails done or go to the spa , maybe you like to take yourself out to lunch and read a book in peace , maybe you hide in the bathroom with your phone and play a game ( I 'm not judging ) . Whatever it is you do , I hope you do something for yourself when you start to get run down . I hope you realize that you are no good to your family if you are worn out . It 's okay to be a little selfish now and then and say that you need some " Mommy time . " My mom and stepdad are so amazing that they watch my daughter on the weekends so that T and I can both work . She sleeps over there on the Friday and Saturday nights that she doesn 't spend with her dad . I drive up there to see her on those days so that I still get to spend some time with her , but honestly , she could care less if I 'm there or not . They are both so attentive and amazing with her that she prefers to be there than almost anywhere else in the world . They truly look forward to her being there , however , my stepdad still goes on his hunting weekends when it 's in season . He takes off to his friend 's cabin and Mom and Peanut have a girls ' weekend . Next weekend , my mom already let her know that she is going out with the girls on Saturday night . My daughter was so offended that she couldn 't be a part of this girls ' night . I had to explain to her that even Grandma needs a girls ' night with just adults once in a while . Please keep in mind , my mom is one of those women who give and give and give endlessly . I 'm glad she 's finally taking some time out for herself . Now that I 'm pregnant , I don 't really have any desire to go out with the girls . Not that I was much of a drinker before , but the whole atmosphere doesn 't really hold any glamour for me . I 'd rather be home cuddled up on the couch with my family and my pets . I 'd rather have our family game night . If by some miracle , T and I have a weekend night off together , I 'd be perfectly content ordering takeout and binge watching Netflix for the night . But I still need some kind of respite . Sometimes I 'll take myself out to lunch with a book I 've been meaning to read . Other times , I 've taken myself to the movies to see something I know no one else in the house has any intention of seeing . I don 't do these things often , but it 's a welcome change when I do take that time for myself . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on January 19 , 2016Categories Parenting , Personal , RelationshipsLeave a comment on 5 Minutes of Peace Pregnancy : Round 2 Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and I feel lucky to be blessed enough to go through it a second time . They say that each pregnancy is different and now I finally believe them . While there have been some similarities ( little weight gain and no morning sickness … Please don 't hate me ) there have also been many differences this time around . Some may have to do with the baby , some the difference in age since last time , some the fact that I 'm not doing it alone this time around . Let 's start there . When I became pregnant with my now 6 - year old , it was a shock . I had just ended a very toxic relationship with the immortal words , " F * % k you , lose my number " when I realized three weeks later that I was pregnant with his baby . I was devastated . Not about becoming a mother . About being connected to this person for the rest of my life . I called to tell him about the baby . He tried to manipulate me into having an abortion . To be honest , I had already considered it . I was 14 weeks along . I had been going to the gym nonstop to get rid of my " gut , " going tanning , and going out drinking . I didn 't know what kind of damage I had unknowingly done before that positive test . But I would not concede . He told me he 'd become an alcoholic if I kept the baby . I told him that wasn 't my fault . We ended the conversation with me telling him to tell himself whatever he needed to in order to sleep at night but I was keeping the baby . I didn 't hear from him again . My very Catholic grandmother was beside herself . " How will you raise a baby by yourself ? " I simply told her that I was not the first woman to raise a baby on her own and I wouldn 't be the last . We left it at that and she has supported me every step of the way since . The rest of my family was also very supportive . I decided to work the summer in the beachy , tourist area where I had grown up so that I could save as much money as possible , then move to western PA to be closer to my mom and go back to school . I worked 40 hours per week , road my bike to and from work , and came in every day with a smile on my face . One of my coworkers found out what the baby 's father had done and tried to confront him one drunken night . I politely asked her not to fight my battles for me ; that I didn 't want anyone guilting him into being a part of the baby 's life . Nothing else was said to him by or for me for the rest of the pregnancy . It was a very easy pregnancy , with no morning sickness , a one - time craving ( salt water taffy ) , and very little weight gain . I basically looked like I ate a beach ball ( see picture above ) . And for the most part I didn 't hate him for not being there . Like I said , we were toxic together . It was for the best . Then a day came when the doctor 's office called to tell me I had to go for a more in depth ultrasound because they thought there was a cyst on the baby 's brain . I googled what that meant - awful words like Trisomy 18 and stillborn were the results - and I sat in my apartment alone and cried . That night I hated him . But only because there was no one to comfort me , no one to tell me it would be okay , and no one who knew the exact heartache I felt at that very moment . I went to the ultrasound a couple months later and everything was fine , though . No need for him to be there in the first place . My daughter was born on her due date . I had my mom , my dad , and my aunt ( who is like a big sister to me ) in the room with me . The delivery was relatively easy , even though there are some things I will never forget about that day ( you other women are liars … LOL ) and my peanut was here . Even the first few months at home with her were easy . She was the best baby ever . That year , I sent out Christmas cards . I had told everyone that if I didn 't hear from her father by her 1st birthday , I never wanted to hear from him . Then I decided it wasn 't fair to give someone a cut off date and not tell them when it was . So I sent him a Christmas card and a letter . I explained every detail about her and I offered him the chance to know her . He had until her 1st birthday to contact me or he had to sign over his rights to her . Either decision was a lifetime decision . He chose to know her . He met her for the first time when she was four months old . A couple months later we got back together to give it a try . If she could have her nuclear family I had to at least try . We ended things for good a year later for almost all the same reasons we didn 't work the first time . Now , almost 7 years later , I find myself pregnant again . This time is completely different , though . For one , I am with a man who loves me as much as I love him - a man who loves my child as if she were his own . Also , we were trying to conceive this baby to complete our family . It happened sooner than we expected it to , but we were ecstatic about it . The day I got the positive result I couldn 't wait to tell him and emailed him at work to call me as soon as possible . He called and I blurted it out . Nothing like the way I planned to tell him , but I was just so excited that I couldn 't contain myself . That night he came home with my favorite pie to celebrate . While I still haven 't had any morning sickness and at 24 weeks I 'm only up 11 pounds , I 'm tired all the time . I don 't know if that 's because of my age , because I 'm trying to keep up with a 6 - year old , or because I work the night shift and that has me all thrown off . Either way , I know I do not have the energy I had at 28 . Part of the incentive to get this other job was just to force myself to be awake and get back on a regular schedule . It hasn 't happened so far . Now I fall asleep as soon as I come home from the other job and I 'm too tired to make dinner . This time , I have someone else who has to agree on a baby name . To make matters worse , we 're not finding out what we 're having , so we have to agree on two names . For months T wouldn 't even discuss names , now he just detests every name I throw out there . But , at the same time , I have the emotional support of someone who loves me , who changes his work schedule to be at every single doctor 's appointment , who holds my hand without fail as I hear his breath catch in his throat each time we hear our baby 's heartbeat . This time , I will not face any issues alone . This time , it is not me and my baby against the world . This time we are completing the family we have already become . And while I would not trade my peanut or our journey for anything in this world , I will take this time anytime . Share this : TwitterPinterestLinkedInTumblrFacebookGoogleEmailReddit Author CandicePosted on January 18 , 2016January 18 , 2016Categories Baby , Personal , RelationshipsLeave a comment on Pregnancy : Round 2 Family Game Night Last week was a rough one . There was a lot of yelling and tears and feeling like an awful mother . It was less than ideal . By Wednesday , I was in need of some laughter in our house . Peanut received Pie Face from her uncle for Christmas and we had a full can of whipped cream in the fridge , so I suggested we try out the game for the first time . First off , it was not what I was expecting , but not in a bad way . I thought whoever got hit in the face lost . Not the case . That person just doesn 't earn any points that round . This gives the game the opportunity to share the wealth and hit every single person multiple times . It seemed to " pick on " one person per round and I got to be that person the first round . Peanut got hit every single time the second round , and T was the man of honor for round 3 . We even made it into more of a game by trying to position our faces in the cut out so that we caught the whipped cream in our mouths instead of getting hit on the bridge of our noses ( which is what was happening when we placed our chins on the chin rest ) . The desired outcome was achieved . There was laughter in our home . We all had so much fun . Even our dog enjoyed the game because we let him lick the whipped cream off of our faces each time we got hit . It was so much fun just being carefree and laughing and having fun together . And it was long overdue . Because of that , I think we 're going to implement a family game night . No , this is not a new concept . It 's not even a new concept for us . But it 's something we 're going to definitively set time aside for . It 's too easy to all sit on the couch watching TV and count that as family time . Or to sit together for dinner , then go our separate ways and say , Well , at least we spent some time together today . Last Wednesday was good for our family in every possible way and I would like to keep that going for as long as possible . Luckily , Peanut got a bunch of games for Christmas , in addition to the games she already has . This will keep Game Night new and exciting for a while , even after we start recycling old games into the mix again . I 'm just excited for us all to be spending quality time at home together , not staring at a screen of any kind , and laughing . I could care less what we do to make that happen . |
Misc Story . Thirteen year - old Nikki and her friend love causing trouble at the local amusement park . You 'll have to read to find out what genius prank they decide to pull . And I 'm sure you won 't be surprised to find that her older brother punishes her adequately for it . I waved goodbye to Steven , my older brother , when he dropped my friend , Charlotte , and I off at the amusement park . It was a gloriously sunny day , except for it was so hot sweat was threatening to drip down my face already and I 'd just stepped outside ! The two of us were thirteen years old and had nothing better to do with our free time than hang out at the amusement park down the street . We 'd both managed to bug our parents to buy us season passes , so we got in free and thus spent every evening we could there . Well , the main reason we went was because of Derrick , a junior in the high school that we would be attending . He was tall and thin , always wore a hat and had dark brown eyes that would make any girl swoon . As you can imagine , most of the time we spent there was either riding the ride that he was operating or sitting at a picnic bench across from him , munching on ice cream . Derrick wasn 't the only good - looking boy that worked there . . . of course there were plenty . And we 'd become friends with most of the guys . The females . . . well , they were another story . They saw us as what we were : bratty little teenagers who had nothing better to do with their time than to terrorize amusement park workers . " Oh no , it 's Nikki and Charlotte again , " Jonathan murmured . He was my favorite worker , even though he wasn 't the most attractive . He definitely had the best personailty and treated us like we were his own little sisters . He always looked out for us , which was mostly a good thing . . . in case we got into any trouble , he could help us out . We giggled as we stood in line for the bumper cars . It was a slow day , not many kids were there , so we didn 't have to wait in line for too long . Derrick smiled when he saw us and I wondered if he knew our names yet , then blushed because we 'd be seeing him at school and he 'd always know us as the two kids with nothing better to do with their time ! " Well . . . here goes . . " She put down her popcorn and stared at me intently , all seriousness on her face . The thing she said after that took all the seriousness away : " We 're going to fill the logride with bubble bath ! " I nearly choked on my pretzle from laughing so hard . It was so random and so funny . . . a perfect idea ! " Did you bring some bubbles ? " I managed to snort through all the gagging on the pretzle . " Simple . Today 's a slow day , and Miranda 's the only one at the logride . So she 'll have to make sure we get off okay then push the next log to the front so another kid can get on and she 'll have to help them on before she comes back to where we are . That 'll give us a good minute or two . . . and I 'll be on the lookout to make sure she doesn 't see and you can pour it in , then we can make a run for it . " Seemed like an intelligent idea to me . . And funny as hell . Who , besides Charlotte , would EVER think about putting bubble bath in the water of the logride ? We finished our food and waited in line , secretly planning our mission . Since I was wearing horrifically baggy jeans , she opted for me to put the bubble bath in my pockets in case they wouldn 't let her have her purse . It didn 't take long before we were to the front of the line and bitchy Miranda helped us into the boat as if we were too special to figure it out for ourselves . We began singing like we always did , some crazy song that we 'd heard on the radio , just to amuse ourselves and entertain the people who were standing in line . We finally began to ascend and I felt my heart nervously pounding in my chest . We screamed as the logride plunged to the bottom , becoming soaked with water and watching as Miranda sent the next person off and came to meet us in the back . She pressed the button to stop the log and helped steady the boat when we got out , then watched us exit and went back to the front . Then Charlotte and I turned around and went back inside . I tiptoed towards the water and Charlotte peeked her head around the corner , keeping a close eye on Miranda who was chatting with some kids in the front of the line . I pulled the bottle out of my pocket and unscrewed the lid , then began dumping the contents into the water . It seemed like it was taking forever and then the water started bubbling and Charlotte began giggling and trying to cover her mouth to keep from laughing aloud . The bubbles were finally all drained and Charlotte muttered " Oh shit ! She 's coming ! " and ran past me , somehow managing to knock me over in the process . The rest happened in slow motion . She rammed me in the shoulder , I lost my balance , then tried to catch myself , but ended up stepping on my pants instead and toppled over . . . . RIGHT into the water . I don 't know how I managed to miss the track , but I did and ended up in the lake right next to the track where the kids who had last been put on the ride were now coming down . I started freaking out and screaming , trying my hardest to swim out , but I was panicking so much that the only result was water in my mouth . The log drifted past me and I heard a girl say , " Look , Mommy ! " I then realized that Miranda had radioed some of the other workers and they were all rushing towards me . Miranda was freaking out so much that she almost forgot to stop the breaks for the people who 'd just finished riding . She started screaming out what 'd happened to one worker as the other came over to me and told me to grab his hand . I did as instructed , then saw the bubbles and began laughing . I was laughing so hard that when I was finally pulled out of the water , I just lay on the grass cackling . The workers didn 't find it very amusing . One of them was already scolding Charlotte , who was on the other side of the fence . " Are you trying to kill yourselves ? " he was rambling , then adding a few more things . The worker who was near me , Josh , helped me up and walked me towards Charlotte and the yelling manager man and let me have a bit of the yelling , too . Everyone was staring at us and I had the strange urge to wave at them , but resisted . He took ahold of each of our upper arms and dragged us to the front where we passed by every good - looking worker EVER , including Derrick . Not to mention we saw Jonathan who immediately gave us a questioning look . Needless to say , they weren 't very happy with our bubble adventure . The only rule that we 'd really broken , though , was sneaking inside the exit without a worker present . He made sure to tell us how dangerous that was and that it was a rule that could not be broken . I secretly hoped that Miranda would get in trouble for not keeping a better eye on us , but didn 't have much time to think about it . " I 'll need the name and number of both of your parents , " the manager spat when we got to a small building . It was the place where there was first aid and lost and found . . . It also had his office . He handed me a towel and I wrapped myself up then followed him to the room . The two of us sat in the chairs in front of his desk , just like we were little kids having been sent to the principal 's office and were awaiting our paddling . Charlotte was the first to rattle off her number and I noticed that her lip was quivering . Fearless Charlotte was finally broken . She talked like she 'd do anything , but she was just as scared as I was . . . We waited in the cold room outside of the manager 's office for what felt like hours . Random people kept walking in and seeing us sitting there . I looked so pathetic wrapped up in my towel with dripping hair and shivering . Jonathan even came in once to see what was going on and make sure we were okay . Of course he expressed his disappointment . And as much as it bothered me to see him upset with me , I knew I 'd be devastated when Steven found out . And unable to sit . Charlotte 's mother arrived before Steven and she was infuriated . She stormed inside and shouted , " Get into the car , Charlotte Jenkins . And you better enjoy sitting down while you still can ! " Being there without Charlotte was the most frightening thing ever . I stared at the clock and listened to the girls answer the phone . Every so often another person would walk in for a bandaid or something they 'd lost . I was absorbed into trying to figure out how the two - way mirror worked when I heard heavy footsteps and noticed a tall figure over me . " Hey , Nikki , " he replied , and I noticed a flicker of anger in his eyes . I couldn 't help but gulp . While Derrick had the most beautiful dark brown eyes , my brother had the most frightening . The way Derrick stared at you was like an adorable little puppy . The way Steven stared at you was like he could see right through you and you weren 't getting out of it no matter how hard you tried . " Let 's go . " He was surprisingly calm , but I didn 't try to initiate a conversation for fear that I might be reprimanded . I wanted a peaceful ride home , but the fact that he kept the radio turned off didn 't help that . Not to mention it was about a thirty minute ride from the amusement park to my house . The tension in the car was unbelievable . " I 'm not blaming her . I just think that when the two of you get together you don 't think about consequences as much as you should . I figured the first spanking would 've told you what happens when you do something you 're not supposed to . . " I had a flashback of that first spanking that my brother had given me . It was the last week of school and Charlotte and took it upon ourselves to skip English class by sitting in the locker room in the gym . It was one of those class periods where only sixth graders had P . E . and we stuck out like a sore thumb . We threatened a couple of the kids to not tell on us , but some of them didn 't listen and told anyway . The gym teacher , who was normally a boys ' coach , but had this class of co - ed sixth graders , had a girl go inside and make sure that no one was changing , then stormed into the locker room . He wasn 't such a tall man , but that afternoon he towered over us and yelled with all of his might . It was the scariest thing in the world ! He lectured us on skipping class and then sent the girl who 'd taddled to his office to get the Board of Education ( such a creative name . . . how many schools actually have a paddle called that ? ) . She came back with a smirk on her face , hoping she could watch , but he dismissed her instead . I 'd never been paddled before . In fact , the most spanking I 'd ever gotten was a couple of swats from angry aunts or uncles . My parents never spanked me . They never felt the need to . I guess that 's why I was so terrified . I kept telling myself that he couldn 't do that to us when I knew very well he could - - we lived in the deep south , in the boonies . Spanking in schools was still allowed , whether right or not . I began to wish that I lived in the city . . . The paddling was short and sweet . . . he told us to bend over and swatted us three times with the paddle . It stung , but nothing nearly as bad as the spanking I got when I got home and Steven found out what 'd happened . He 'd muttered obscenities under his breath and swore that he 'd " tear me up . " I was uber surprised that my brother would even * think * about spanking me because he wasn 't even raised in the south and he 'd only gotten spanked a couple of times himself . But hell , he spanked the daylights out of me and I was bawling like a baby within seconds . When I didn 't make any effort to move , just gave him the look of an innocent puppy , he shook his head . " Get out of the car , Missy . You are getting spanked , and no adorable looks will get you out of it . " I pouted , but pushed the cardoor open and walked two feet behind Steven towards our house . He held the front door open for me then directed me towards the sofa . He sat down and stared up at me . " But wouldn 't that be a cool story to tell everyone ? ' How 'd your little sister die ? ' ' She fell into the water at the amusement park and drown . ' Then maybe that bitch . . . " " HEY ! Watch your language , Young Lady . And NO , it wouldn 't be cool to tell everyone that story . I 'd like to keep my sis around for a few more years , even if you are a pain sometimes . " I whined but peeled my jeans off and let them fall to my knees . He didn 't waste any time getting me over his lap . " Pleaseeee Steven . . " I begged , squirming to free myself from his grip and not go over his lap . He was overpowering , though . I was over his lap and staring at the carpet . My only defense was to move my hands back to try and cover my bottom so he wouldn 't spank me . " Damn right you won 't do it again , " he said , then slapped my still - wet backside . " Because you won 't be able to sit down for long enough to contemplate it . " He smacked me again and again , and each time I yelped and squirmed as much as I was able under his firm grip . " And you are going to write a letter of apology to the manager , do you understand ? " " A letter of apology ? ! ? " I shrieked , only to be answered with a sharp smack on my right sit spot . " Okay okay okay ! ! I 'll write a letter of apology ! ! Pleaseeeee stopp ! ! " However , he didn 't stop . He kept up spanking me , circling my waist with his arm to ensure that I 'd stop squirming so much . I was bawling by this time . The tears steadily streamed down my face and I couldn 't breathe from all the crying . I tried to wiggle away but he wouldn 't let me . I tried to reach back but he grabbed my hands just in time . There was no preventing this assault on my backside . He smacked my sit spots a couple of times then stopped , resting his hand on my bum . " Now , go take a shower and get to bed . No amusement park for the rest of the week . " Misc Story . Leslie enjoys sleeping . Who can blame her ? It just sucks when she promises her older brother that she 'll make it to class and then she , um , doesn 't . Sleeping Kicks Ass My face was buried into my pillow , drool escaping from my mouth , and I was probably snoring . Who knows ? All I know is that Thomas , my older brother , woke me up and interrupted my sleep . " Leslie ! Are you going to get up and go to school ? " I don 't know why he asked me . Like I 'd tell him no or something . He sighed loudly . " If you don 't go to school , I 'm going to give you a spanking , " he told me , then walked out , spraying cologne on . I ignored that statement . Even though I was sixteen years old , he always threatened to spank me , and never followed through . Why start worrying now . I didn 't answer , just snuggled with my stuffed animal and drifted back into a solemn sleep . Of course , the damn alarm clock started buzzing only minutes after I 'd fallen asleep . I slammed the snooze button countless numbers of times and finally just turned my alarm off and went to sleep , not waking up until about 10 : 30 . Oops . " Shit ! " I said aloud and stood up instantly , as if there was any chance of getting to school on time now . I slapped my forehead and glared at the ceiling . It 's not like it was the ceiling 's fault or anything . I just had to glare at something and it 's kind of hard to glare at yourself . " Dammit . How could I miss school ? I 've got that huge Chemistry test today and the creative writing thing due that I was going to work on in first period . Dammit , dammit , dammit ! I can 't go to school now . . " I don 't know where my line of reasoning came from , but that was it . So I called a friend from work . I hated that phrase , tag along . I was so close to declining when Mat took the phone from her . " Leslie ? What are you doing skipping class ? " Well , that was easy . I hurried out of my pjs and took a quick shower , not bothering to wash my hair because it was raining anyway . I slipped on my clothes and pulled my hair back in a ponytail . I sped to Olive Garden , not wanting to be late and hold them up for lunch . It was bad enough that I was tagging along anyway . They were waiting in the doorway when I got there . Mat was tall and thin , excited to see me as always . Carrie was about my height , not nearly as giddy , but hugged me anyway . The hostess came up and walked us to the back , handing us each a menu . I chose the least expensive decent - sounding thing on the menu and chowed down on salad and breadsticks as Mat and Carrie joked around about random things . I kept quiet for the most part , wanting them to forget about me being there , but they kept asking me questions about school and stuff , so I guess they didn 't mind too much that I was there . Then I started thinking about Thomas and how he 'd threatened me , yet again , with a spanking . He wouldn 't be happy when he found out that I didn 't go to school , and he would more than likely find out . He always found out when I did something wrong ! After lunch , Mat took up the tab as promised , then the three of us went in his car to the park and played around for a little while . Who cares that I 'm sixteen and they 're in their twenties ? We had fun anyway . I smiled and headed towards the house , teeth chattering , either from playing outside in the cold rain or nervousness . I don 't know why I was nervous . It 's harder to lie when you 're nervous . I needed to lie to get out of getting into trouble . But from the looks of it , that wasn 't going to happen . Thomas was home when I pulled into the driveway . I took a deep breath and threw my backpack over my shoulder and headed inside . My brother was sitting in the dining room at the table doing his homework like a good student . Of course , the moment I opened the door , I heard him stand up and he was soon in the doorway between the dining room and living room . He folded his arms . Apparently , he was pretty pissed off . " Don 't pull that shit with me , Leslie . You skipped school today . Yes or no . " He unfolded his arms and walked towards me . " I cannot believe you , " he scolded , shaking his head at me . " What did I tell you this morning before I left ? " I was about to the point of begging , but he didn 't allow me . Instead he moved his hands towards my pants and lowered them . " W - what are you doing ? " " Hush with all the questions , Leslie , " he ordered and swiftly pulled me over his knee . I struggled slightly , but he landed a hard smack on my bottom which caused me to squeal . " Stop moving . " It only took the first number for me to move my hands away . I had begun to whine even louder now , almost at a cry . " Pleaseee . . " He took that please as a sign to spank me instead of letting me up . I was hoping that it 'd all been a joke and he 'd been just trying to scare me , because if that was the case , it 'd sure as hell worked ! But that wasn 't it - - and I realized this when he landed the first flurry of smacks onto my bare bottom . They were hard and fast , concentrating mainly on my sitspots and the lower part of my bottom . " I 'm going to go , " I whined , almost to actual tears . " Please , Thomas . . . please stop . I 've learned my lesson . " " Not quite , " he answered , still spanking at full force . I 'd begun to squirm by this point and was trying to wiggle away from his grip , but he held onto me tighter . " If you don 't stop moving so much , you 're going to be sorrier than you already are . " I whined and tears started escaping from my eyes , but it didn 't keep him from spanking . He spanked and spanked and spanked until I couldn 't contain myself any longer and I was crying like a baby . Then he lifted me up with the false hope that it was over . I hobbled over to the corner , crying harder at this time . Thomas left the living room but was only gone for a couple of seconds , then sat down on the couch . I wanted to look and see why he 'd left , but didn 't dare take my nose away from the corner . It was already bad enough without making it harder on myself . He nodded and patted his lap . I could do nothing but comply and lay back over his lap . The first blow was the worst because I wasn 't expecting it , much less expecting how much pain it would cause . I shrieked as loudly as possible , by this point crying like a baby . He delivered a few final blows to my sit spots and set the brush down on the coffee table . I cried heavily over his lap and he let me stay there for a while . " Now , next time I tell you that you 're getting a spanking are you going to take me seriously ? " " Skipping class is dangerous , " he lectured . " Not only would it be a problem if someone got hurt and didn 't know where you were to contact you , it 'd be a problem if you got hurt , or if the school found out and it got put on your record . That wouldn 't be cool . " He kissed my cheek and pulled up my panties and pants . " Now , go work on whatever it was you missed in school today . Dinner will be ready in a couple of hours and we can watch CSI . " Misc Story . Alexis takes ecstasy and her friends aren 't too fond of the idea . She doesn 't have a real older brother , but Ryan is close enough , and takes it upon himself to let her know just how un - fond of the idea he is . It was 8 : 49pm , a school night , and I 'd just finished my homework . Okay , you 're right , it is a first , but what else could I have done ? I was sitting in my house by myself , it was dark outside , and everyone was either at work or sleeping . Not to mention if I didn 't turn in my homework the next day , my teacher wasn 't going to be very happen and I 'd have a good chance at failing the class . I wouldn 't mind if I hadn 't had to have the class , but it was American History and my teacher was doing his best to get me to pass because I 'd slacked off so much . My friend , Brent , kept making statements about how I should be taken over someone 's knee for skipping so much , but I didn 't think anything of it . Brent is three years older than me and a college student at a local university . We worked together . He is gorgeous . Anyway , enough about the homework . Did I mention I was livid ? How could she ? My mom , I mean . She was a borderline alcoholic and a compulsive gambler , trying to " recover . " But she wasn 't at home . Where else could she be ? You guessed it : the casino . And that pisses me off . . . because if she 's going to try and " quit " gambling , why the hell would she be at the casino ? ? So now you know that the addiction thing runs in the family , and I know it all too well . I 've had a few addictions of my own : chocolate , internet , bugging people . You know , just the normal stuff . Then I became a teenager and experimented with cigarettes , alcohol , and finally , ecstasy . The latter was my favorite of the three because it 's so great . It 'll get you feeling like you 're a million miles away and there 's no worries in the world . I could understand my mom 's fixation with gambling , because it 's nice to be numb . But did she really have to leave her sixteen year old daughter at home alone on a school night when she was already feeling down ? So I blamed her for the fact that I was dialing my drug dealer 's number . I hadn 't done X in over two months , since I began working with Brent and another friend of mine named Ryan . But I guess like they say , once an addict , always an addict . " Going okay , " I answered , clearing my throat . My hands were a little shakey because I always get nervous when I think about ecstasy , and the fact that I had no idea when my mom was coming home and I definitely didn 't want her to catch me on it . " Can I get some stuff ? " " O - okay . Thanks , " I stammered then hung up the phone . We always met at the same place , in the parking lot of an abandoned shopping center that they were planning on turning into a church . It was halfway between both of our houses . . a happy medium , so to speak . I stumbled to the refrigerator , palms sweaty but shivering , and stocked up on water , putting at least five bottles in my backpack . I went ahead and ate a poptart to kill time and snuggled with my cat until fifteen minutes had passed . I took a deep breath in to steady my racing pulse and scribbled a note for my mom . She hadn 't bothered to write me a note or anything , but I had the decency to do it for her . I threw the pen down in anger , scaring the hell out of my cat and apologizing , then storming outside , near tears . It was pretty nice outside , considering that it was the middle of February . Of course , Louisiana is fucked up and it was almost 70 degrees . My dealer was waiting for me when I pulled into the shopping center . I could recognize his car from anywhere : it was pimped out , like one of those ugly cars you see on " Pimp My Ride . " Personally , I would never drive it . But I guess to each their own . I popped the pill in my mouth without even thinking to look at it . Ecstasy pills are so pretty . . I love to look at them and admire its beauty . That sounds cheesily pathetic , I know . But really . . . it 's just like foreshadowing your feelings . The prettier the pill , the prettier you 'll feel when you take it . I love ecstasy . I took a swig of my water to wash the taste down . Never chew on an X pill , it tastes like shit . I didn 't chew it , I swallowed it , and it still tasted like shit . But don 't judge the effects by the taste . . because the effects are so not shit . Enough about my infatuation with ecstasy . After taking the pill , there wasn 't much I could do except for wait for it to kick in . It takes about an hour , so I was safe to drive until then . I wasn 't going to crash at Laurie 's house , because she would freak out when she found out what I was on , so it 'd be a good idea to contemplate who would let me actually crash with them for the night . My first thought was a Mexican friend of mine named Daniel . He loved me and would definitely take me in for a night . But when I called him , he was dead asleep and explained that he had to work that night . No way was I staying at his house with his crazy roommates . Who else was there ? Well , I had loads of Mexican friends , but none of them I trusted enough to be around me while on X . I had a friend from school that I tried to call , but she didn 't answer . I was kind of happy about that because I didn 't exactly want to be with her anyway . My last resort was to call Ryan or Brent . I don 't have many friends , but the ones I do have either live with their parents or freak out at the thought of drugs . Ryan nor Brent lived with their parents nor would they freak out over X . . . I hoped . I cleared my throat and found Ryan 's number in my phonebook then clicked the " Yes " button to dial . My hands were still shakey and I knew I was running out of time to find somewhere to go . It was nearing that one - hour mark and I didn 't want to be driving while under the influence . Too much shit could happen , like a wreck or going to jail or anything . I wasn 't going to take that chance . " Hey , " I said hastily , " I have a really important favor to ask . " My heart was racing because I was so nervous . I had no idea how Ryan would react to drugs . . . but he was only a few years older than me and had surely experimented before and couldn 't really get that upset with me . . . right ? I drove carefully to his house , being extra paranoid because the X could kick in at any moment . I didn 't want any cops to pull me over and it to kick in right at that moment and say or do something so stupid it 'd get me thrown in jail . They 'd have to pry my poor mother away from the slot machines at the casino and she 'd be pissed . " Pull yourself together , Alexis . Just make it up the stairs , and then you can do crazy shit , " I told myself , aloud , and then started giggling . I sipped on a bottle of water then opened the door of my car , checking three times to make sure I locked it and indeed had my keys in my pocket . Ryan must have been getting worried because he looked out the window to make sure I was okay . I gave him the thumbs - up sign and ambled towards his house . He lived in a duplex and his apartment was on the top floor . Yay for stairs . I just love them , especially when I 'm too fucked up to walk straight . After plowing into the wall several times , I finally made it up the stairs where Ryan was holding the door open . " What 's up with you ? Are you drunk ? " he asked , taking my backpack when I handed it to him . " Girl , you are so fucked up , " he told me , but sat down anyway . I lay my head in his lap and he pet my hair a little . " What 's wrong ? Why did you do ecstasy ? " " Because my mom is a bitch . I fucking hate her , " I told him , but giggled anyway . " I love you , Ryan ! " I told him . He shook his head . I listened to his heart thumping inside his chest . " I wouldn 't expect something like this out of you , " he said softly . I must 've snuggled with Ryan forever . We watched some tv and I giggled a lot , but nothing really that spectacular happened . I just felt numb , and that 's all I wanted . I dozed off somewhere in there . Well , I wouldn 't consider it actually sleeping . I was half gone , but mostly just had my eyes closed and was letting my mind dream for me , though I knew it was a dream . I knew when I opened my eyes that whomever it was that was talking to me would be gone . I pet Ryan 's cat for a little while . Then the after - effects started happening . . . the constant sick feeling . . . the sweating and shaking . " Alexis ? Are you okay ? " Ryan asked , and I could definitely hear the worry in his voice at this time , even though I was fucked up . I shivered and snuggled up to him , forgetting the argument about ecstasy . Ryan was there . He wouldn 't let anything bad happen to me . I trusted him . Next thing I remember I was still snuggled up in the blankets he 'd given me and lying on his couch , but he was in the other room talking on the phone . " You know more about this than me . . . . You 're going to be a doctor for god 's sake . Can 't you just come over and make sure she 's okay ? " Moments later , there was a slight knock on the door and I mumbled " who is it ? " although Ryan had already gotten up to get it . I peeked my eyes open and saw Brent in the doorway . I couldn 't help but smile . There was absolutely no worry in my mind . " Hey , Brent , " I whispered . I shook my head . " Just comin ' down . Tell Ryan not to worry . I 'm fine . I just need to snuggle and my tummy hurts . " " Are you sure you 're just coming down ? Have you ever taken it before ? Do you trust the person that had it ? Do you always get sweaty and cold when you 're coming down ? " Ryan was pacing back and forth . " She 'll be okay , " Brent said . " But I 'll stick around for a little while anyway . Get some sleep , Alex . " I nodded and closed my eyes again , not wanting to drink anymore water because then I 'd have to pee and I was sick of having to get up and pee . That was the only thing on my mind as I tried to go to sleep . I had some more crazy dreams where I thought people were talking to me and knew if I opened my eyes they 'd be gone , but otherwise , I finally managed to get some actual sleep . I woke up about 4am on Ryan 's bed . They must 've carried me in there . Ryan was conked out next to where I 'd been and as I headed for the restroom I noticed that Brent was sound asleep on the sofa . I was still a little messed up , so I tiptoed to the living room and shook Brent . " Yeah , you are . Get up , " Brent said as he came into the room . " We 're not taking pity on you because you decided to do drugs last night . Come on , I 'll drop you off . " " I don 't care , " Brent answered . " You have to be stern with her , " he was telling Ryan , " else she 'll think she can do whatever the hell she wants . That 's the problem with highschoolers these days . " " Shut up , Brent . It 's not like you 've never skipped before and you 're not that much older than I am . The only person who can talk about immature high schoolers is Ryan and that 's ' cause he 's a grandpa . " Nonetheless , it got me out of bed . It was actually kinda cool that they were being all demanding and insist that I go . . . kinda like the older brothers I never had and always wanted . But that didn 't keep me from complaining : " Fine , I 'll go to stupid school , but only to make you happy . " I rolled my eyes at him as he grabbed his jacket , then I gave Ryan a pathetic look . He just shook his head at me . He wasn 't in the usual Ryan - cheery mood . Brent didn 't seem too pleased either . Had I really made that bad of a mistake by going over to Ryan 's house ? " Uh huh , " I groaned , stretching my arms out and slipping my shoes on . I gave Ryan a big hug and wanted to apologize in the process , but there was a wad in my throat and I figured if I did , I 'd begin crying . I all of a sudden felt terrible for letting them down as opposed to upset that I got caught . Dammit . . . how does that happen ? Was I really that high on the morality chart ? " Was I that annoying last night ? " I asked , catching a glimpse of my car and knowing that there 'd be no way I could concentrate on driving . It was waay too bright outside and I was feeling a little too spacey . " Me , too . " He paused and unlocked the doors to his 4runner . " No , you weren 't that annoying , we 're just disappointed that you 'd do something so stupid . But we 'll talk about this after school , okay ? " He started up the 4runner and sped off . I leaned my head back and closed my eyes , still feeling a little sick . I think I dozed off for a minute , or I was just so lost in my thoughts that it didn 't take that long to get to my house . I desperately wished that he 'd just let me go to sleep and skip school , but I didn 't even bother asking - - I already knew the answer . Brent came inside with me and hung out with my cat while I showered . I pulled on my baggiest pair of jeans and a T - shirt because I felt like shit and didn 't care if I looked like shit . With my hair wet , I pulled it into a ponytail and slipped on some flip flops . " Ready , " I said . Brent blinked at me . He was really preppy and always dressed up all nice for everything . I couldn 't imagine him in a pair of sweatpants or baggy jeans . . . So he was probably surprised that I 'd be seen in public looking as shitty as I did . He would * never * look that shitty in public . My school day was quite uneventful . I turned in my American History homework to which my teacher was proud and told me if I kept it up , he 'd do something special for me . He really was a nice guy and was trying so hard to help me pass because he knew I had it in me . But hell , his assignments were hard as fuck and I wasn 't even the least bit interested in American History . He just said I needed some motivation , which is weird because Brent said that sometimes , too . So I guess his motivation for me was to do something special ? Or threaten me with failing ? I don 't think either really motivated me that much . . . I think I was just too bored to think of anything else to do . " Oh , my friend brought me to school . I ran out of gas and money , " I lied . They didn 't need to know about the drugs . They 're too goody - goody . " Nah , he 'll be here in a sec , " I told them . I really didn 't want them to meet Brent because they always had a habit of either scaring off my friends or stealing them from me . And Brent was too cool . . . I didn 't want them to do that to him . I stalked back towards the campus and noticed Brent 's SUV through the mass of cars . I ran towards it and hopped inside , desperate to get away from the school . We didn 't say much to each other and I guess I assumed that I could finally go home after he dropped me off at my car , but I was wrong . I gulped and walked towards his room . He shut the door behind him and I was getting a little freaked out . What the hell was he going to do ? ? " Do you not realize what the hell you 're doing to yourself ? Do you not realize how much you 're going to fuck up your head ? Ecstasy kills brain cells , it 's not healthy . There 's a healthier outlet of emotions , don 't you always say that about your mom ? Are you that hypocritical ? " I totally wasn 't expecting that . " Okay , so I fucked up . . I 'm sorry . . I promise I won 't do it again . " " I don 't want promises , Alexis . You can promise me everyday and that doesn 't mean anything . Didn 't you promise Brent last week that you 'd start going to all of your classes ? Didn 't you promise that you 'd start doing homework ? And have you followed through ? No . And this is too serious to rely on promises . You could seriously end up hurting yourself really badly . " He stopped pacing for a moment and stared straight into my eyes , then got on his knees , to my level , my face inches from his . " You are my friend , Alexis , even if I 've only known you for a couple of months . You mean a lot to me , and I don 't want you to fuck yourself up on drugs , okay ? You have too much ahead of you . Anytime your mom isn 't home you can stay with me . . . or anytime you want to stay you can , but you 're not going to do any drugs anymore , got it ? " The next thing he did , I totally wasn 't expecting : he hugged me ! And that was that . . . I was under the impression that it was all over . . . until he sort of pulled me off the bed and sat down in my spot . Well , that was okay . . . it was the next thing . . . the fiddling with the button of my pants that kinda caught me off guard . " Hey Ryan . . . what 're you doing . . ? " I said , but before I knew it , my pants were sliding down . I tried as hard as possible to keep them up , but Ryan pulled me over his lap . " A what ? ? ! ? " I shrieked , trying to roll off of his lap . The only problem was that he 's waay stronger than me and kept a good grip on me . " No , Ryan . . wait . . you can 't ! " " I won 't do it anymore . . . please don 't do this ! I feel like a seven year old ! " And felt even more like a seven year old when he started smacking my bottom with an open hand . To top it off , it actually * hurt * like shit and I kicked and squirmed , then reached my hands back to keep him from spanking . It didn 't work . . . instead of stopping the spanking , he grabbed my wrists and pinned them against my back . I sure was putting up a fight and I 'd almost forgotten that Brent was in the other room . Obviously , no one would want someone else to hear them getting spanked , especially someone like Brent who kept telling me how much I deserved it . So you 'd think I would have tried to be quiet so he wouldn 't be able to hear , but I wasn 't . Ryan was spanking way too hard for that . Finally , after a few minutes of that , he stopped . I instantly hopped off of his lap and rubbed my bum . " Nope , I 'm not finished , Alexis . " I whined like a little girl but didn 't wait for his count of three . I was sure that the longer I prolonged this the more pain I 'd end up being in . That was the logic through my head as I rolled over on my stomach , sore bottom in the air . Of course , you know how it goes . . . I couldn 't help but move my hands back to cover my bottom . I reluctantly moved them in front of me . Then I heard a sound and turned to see what it was , only to notice that he was taking his belt off . This really got me whining good . I moved my hands , almost to tears , and tried my hardest to keep them in front of me as he landed three more deafening blows to my backside . Then I couldn 't help it and had to move them back again . It hurt too much . " I 'm sooooo sorrryyy ! " He paused , but when he noticed that I wasn 't moving my hands anytime soon , he moved them for me . " Stop reaching back , " he ordered then landed a couple of more until I reached back again . It must 've been aggravating for him , but I couldn 't help it ! The spanking hurt soooooo much . That should 've been enough to keep me from doing it - - it 's bad enough that Brent could hear all that was going on , he most definitely didn 't need to see it . But guess what ? After three hard smacks , my hands wanted to reach back and I restrained , until he landed the fourth , and I couldn 't help it . I had to . . . it hurt sooo badly . . . and it 's like a reflex ! I moved my arms in front of me and Brent grabbed ahold of each wrist . He sat down and we were pretty much eye - to - eye which was very embarrassing . I felt like such a little kid . It didn 't take long before Ryan began spanking me again and Brent ended up having to keep a good hold on my hands . He kept me from squirming too much and talked to me in a soft voice , as if I was having a baby and in pain . " It 's almost over , " he was saying , " just a little longer . " How weird is that ? It felt like forever before the spanking finally ended and I really was bawling like a baby . I hadn 't expected myself to start crying , but I felt so miserable for letting my friends down and I wasn 't in control of what was happening . For all I knew , he could 've been spanking me all night ! But I think he was just waiting for me to break , and once I was broken , Brent let go of my hands and Ryan lifted me up and snuggled with me for soooo long and it felt so great . And Brent sat next to us and pet my hair . . . " I think she needs to rest a bit , " Ryan said and Brent nodded . They both kissed me on the forehead and tucked me into bed . I smiled and rolled onto my stomach , panties now up , but no pants . My hair was matted against my face from crying so much . . . but that was far from my mind . . . the only thing I was thinking was " What the hell just happened ? " It was so weird , like something from a dream . No , the spanking wasn 't pleasant . . . far from that . But after so many years of being an only child and having only my mom around , who only cared about me half of the time . . . it was kinda cool having some kind of older brother to take care of me . I was ready to be taken care of , and if that meant spankings , I was all for it . I 've written over 200 spanking stories since the age of 15 . My work has been featured in CF Publications , and my first full - length ebook ( Spanked by Her Brother ) was published in April 2016 by LSF Publications . I love chatting with people , so feel free to add me on social media and strike up a conversation : ) Outside of spanking , I enjoy traveling , partying , philosophizing , thinking about sociology , guitar hero , roller coasters , and being spontaneous . View my complete profile |
Misc Story . Thirteen year - old Nikki and her friend love causing trouble at the local amusement park . You 'll have to read to find out what genius prank they decide to pull . And I 'm sure you won 't be surprised to find that her older brother punishes her adequately for it . I waved goodbye to Steven , my older brother , when he dropped my friend , Charlotte , and I off at the amusement park . It was a gloriously sunny day , except for it was so hot sweat was threatening to drip down my face already and I 'd just stepped outside ! The two of us were thirteen years old and had nothing better to do with our free time than hang out at the amusement park down the street . We 'd both managed to bug our parents to buy us season passes , so we got in free and thus spent every evening we could there . Well , the main reason we went was because of Derrick , a junior in the high school that we would be attending . He was tall and thin , always wore a hat and had dark brown eyes that would make any girl swoon . As you can imagine , most of the time we spent there was either riding the ride that he was operating or sitting at a picnic bench across from him , munching on ice cream . Derrick wasn 't the only good - looking boy that worked there . . . of course there were plenty . And we 'd become friends with most of the guys . The females . . . well , they were another story . They saw us as what we were : bratty little teenagers who had nothing better to do with their time than to terrorize amusement park workers . " Oh no , it 's Nikki and Charlotte again , " Jonathan murmured . He was my favorite worker , even though he wasn 't the most attractive . He definitely had the best personailty and treated us like we were his own little sisters . He always looked out for us , which was mostly a good thing . . . in case we got into any trouble , he could help us out . We giggled as we stood in line for the bumper cars . It was a slow day , not many kids were there , so we didn 't have to wait in line for too long . Derrick smiled when he saw us and I wondered if he knew our names yet , then blushed because we 'd be seeing him at school and he 'd always know us as the two kids with nothing better to do with their time ! " Well . . . here goes . . " She put down her popcorn and stared at me intently , all seriousness on her face . The thing she said after that took all the seriousness away : " We 're going to fill the logride with bubble bath ! " I nearly choked on my pretzle from laughing so hard . It was so random and so funny . . . a perfect idea ! " Did you bring some bubbles ? " I managed to snort through all the gagging on the pretzle . " Simple . Today 's a slow day , and Miranda 's the only one at the logride . So she 'll have to make sure we get off okay then push the next log to the front so another kid can get on and she 'll have to help them on before she comes back to where we are . That 'll give us a good minute or two . . . and I 'll be on the lookout to make sure she doesn 't see and you can pour it in , then we can make a run for it . " Seemed like an intelligent idea to me . . And funny as hell . Who , besides Charlotte , would EVER think about putting bubble bath in the water of the logride ? We finished our food and waited in line , secretly planning our mission . Since I was wearing horrifically baggy jeans , she opted for me to put the bubble bath in my pockets in case they wouldn 't let her have her purse . It didn 't take long before we were to the front of the line and bitchy Miranda helped us into the boat as if we were too special to figure it out for ourselves . We began singing like we always did , some crazy song that we 'd heard on the radio , just to amuse ourselves and entertain the people who were standing in line . We finally began to ascend and I felt my heart nervously pounding in my chest . We screamed as the logride plunged to the bottom , becoming soaked with water and watching as Miranda sent the next person off and came to meet us in the back . She pressed the button to stop the log and helped steady the boat when we got out , then watched us exit and went back to the front . Then Charlotte and I turned around and went back inside . I tiptoed towards the water and Charlotte peeked her head around the corner , keeping a close eye on Miranda who was chatting with some kids in the front of the line . I pulled the bottle out of my pocket and unscrewed the lid , then began dumping the contents into the water . It seemed like it was taking forever and then the water started bubbling and Charlotte began giggling and trying to cover her mouth to keep from laughing aloud . The bubbles were finally all drained and Charlotte muttered " Oh shit ! She 's coming ! " and ran past me , somehow managing to knock me over in the process . The rest happened in slow motion . She rammed me in the shoulder , I lost my balance , then tried to catch myself , but ended up stepping on my pants instead and toppled over . . . . RIGHT into the water . I don 't know how I managed to miss the track , but I did and ended up in the lake right next to the track where the kids who had last been put on the ride were now coming down . I started freaking out and screaming , trying my hardest to swim out , but I was panicking so much that the only result was water in my mouth . The log drifted past me and I heard a girl say , " Look , Mommy ! " I then realized that Miranda had radioed some of the other workers and they were all rushing towards me . Miranda was freaking out so much that she almost forgot to stop the breaks for the people who 'd just finished riding . She started screaming out what 'd happened to one worker as the other came over to me and told me to grab his hand . I did as instructed , then saw the bubbles and began laughing . I was laughing so hard that when I was finally pulled out of the water , I just lay on the grass cackling . The workers didn 't find it very amusing . One of them was already scolding Charlotte , who was on the other side of the fence . " Are you trying to kill yourselves ? " he was rambling , then adding a few more things . The worker who was near me , Josh , helped me up and walked me towards Charlotte and the yelling manager man and let me have a bit of the yelling , too . Everyone was staring at us and I had the strange urge to wave at them , but resisted . He took ahold of each of our upper arms and dragged us to the front where we passed by every good - looking worker EVER , including Derrick . Not to mention we saw Jonathan who immediately gave us a questioning look . Needless to say , they weren 't very happy with our bubble adventure . The only rule that we 'd really broken , though , was sneaking inside the exit without a worker present . He made sure to tell us how dangerous that was and that it was a rule that could not be broken . I secretly hoped that Miranda would get in trouble for not keeping a better eye on us , but didn 't have much time to think about it . " I 'll need the name and number of both of your parents , " the manager spat when we got to a small building . It was the place where there was first aid and lost and found . . . It also had his office . He handed me a towel and I wrapped myself up then followed him to the room . The two of us sat in the chairs in front of his desk , just like we were little kids having been sent to the principal 's office and were awaiting our paddling . Charlotte was the first to rattle off her number and I noticed that her lip was quivering . Fearless Charlotte was finally broken . She talked like she 'd do anything , but she was just as scared as I was . . . We waited in the cold room outside of the manager 's office for what felt like hours . Random people kept walking in and seeing us sitting there . I looked so pathetic wrapped up in my towel with dripping hair and shivering . Jonathan even came in once to see what was going on and make sure we were okay . Of course he expressed his disappointment . And as much as it bothered me to see him upset with me , I knew I 'd be devastated when Steven found out . And unable to sit . Charlotte 's mother arrived before Steven and she was infuriated . She stormed inside and shouted , " Get into the car , Charlotte Jenkins . And you better enjoy sitting down while you still can ! " Being there without Charlotte was the most frightening thing ever . I stared at the clock and listened to the girls answer the phone . Every so often another person would walk in for a bandaid or something they 'd lost . I was absorbed into trying to figure out how the two - way mirror worked when I heard heavy footsteps and noticed a tall figure over me . " Hey , Nikki , " he replied , and I noticed a flicker of anger in his eyes . I couldn 't help but gulp . While Derrick had the most beautiful dark brown eyes , my brother had the most frightening . The way Derrick stared at you was like an adorable little puppy . The way Steven stared at you was like he could see right through you and you weren 't getting out of it no matter how hard you tried . " Let 's go . " He was surprisingly calm , but I didn 't try to initiate a conversation for fear that I might be reprimanded . I wanted a peaceful ride home , but the fact that he kept the radio turned off didn 't help that . Not to mention it was about a thirty minute ride from the amusement park to my house . The tension in the car was unbelievable . " I 'm not blaming her . I just think that when the two of you get together you don 't think about consequences as much as you should . I figured the first spanking would 've told you what happens when you do something you 're not supposed to . . " I had a flashback of that first spanking that my brother had given me . It was the last week of school and Charlotte and took it upon ourselves to skip English class by sitting in the locker room in the gym . It was one of those class periods where only sixth graders had P . E . and we stuck out like a sore thumb . We threatened a couple of the kids to not tell on us , but some of them didn 't listen and told anyway . The gym teacher , who was normally a boys ' coach , but had this class of co - ed sixth graders , had a girl go inside and make sure that no one was changing , then stormed into the locker room . He wasn 't such a tall man , but that afternoon he towered over us and yelled with all of his might . It was the scariest thing in the world ! He lectured us on skipping class and then sent the girl who 'd taddled to his office to get the Board of Education ( such a creative name . . . how many schools actually have a paddle called that ? ) . She came back with a smirk on her face , hoping she could watch , but he dismissed her instead . I 'd never been paddled before . In fact , the most spanking I 'd ever gotten was a couple of swats from angry aunts or uncles . My parents never spanked me . They never felt the need to . I guess that 's why I was so terrified . I kept telling myself that he couldn 't do that to us when I knew very well he could - - we lived in the deep south , in the boonies . Spanking in schools was still allowed , whether right or not . I began to wish that I lived in the city . . . The paddling was short and sweet . . . he told us to bend over and swatted us three times with the paddle . It stung , but nothing nearly as bad as the spanking I got when I got home and Steven found out what 'd happened . He 'd muttered obscenities under his breath and swore that he 'd " tear me up . " I was uber surprised that my brother would even * think * about spanking me because he wasn 't even raised in the south and he 'd only gotten spanked a couple of times himself . But hell , he spanked the daylights out of me and I was bawling like a baby within seconds . When I didn 't make any effort to move , just gave him the look of an innocent puppy , he shook his head . " Get out of the car , Missy . You are getting spanked , and no adorable looks will get you out of it . " I pouted , but pushed the cardoor open and walked two feet behind Steven towards our house . He held the front door open for me then directed me towards the sofa . He sat down and stared up at me . " But wouldn 't that be a cool story to tell everyone ? ' How 'd your little sister die ? ' ' She fell into the water at the amusement park and drown . ' Then maybe that bitch . . . " " HEY ! Watch your language , Young Lady . And NO , it wouldn 't be cool to tell everyone that story . I 'd like to keep my sis around for a few more years , even if you are a pain sometimes . " I whined but peeled my jeans off and let them fall to my knees . He didn 't waste any time getting me over his lap . " Pleaseeee Steven . . " I begged , squirming to free myself from his grip and not go over his lap . He was overpowering , though . I was over his lap and staring at the carpet . My only defense was to move my hands back to try and cover my bottom so he wouldn 't spank me . " Damn right you won 't do it again , " he said , then slapped my still - wet backside . " Because you won 't be able to sit down for long enough to contemplate it . " He smacked me again and again , and each time I yelped and squirmed as much as I was able under his firm grip . " And you are going to write a letter of apology to the manager , do you understand ? " " A letter of apology ? ! ? " I shrieked , only to be answered with a sharp smack on my right sit spot . " Okay okay okay ! ! I 'll write a letter of apology ! ! Pleaseeeee stopp ! ! " However , he didn 't stop . He kept up spanking me , circling my waist with his arm to ensure that I 'd stop squirming so much . I was bawling by this time . The tears steadily streamed down my face and I couldn 't breathe from all the crying . I tried to wiggle away but he wouldn 't let me . I tried to reach back but he grabbed my hands just in time . There was no preventing this assault on my backside . He smacked my sit spots a couple of times then stopped , resting his hand on my bum . " Now , go take a shower and get to bed . No amusement park for the rest of the week . " Misc Story . Leslie enjoys sleeping . Who can blame her ? It just sucks when she promises her older brother that she 'll make it to class and then she , um , doesn 't . Sleeping Kicks Ass My face was buried into my pillow , drool escaping from my mouth , and I was probably snoring . Who knows ? All I know is that Thomas , my older brother , woke me up and interrupted my sleep . " Leslie ! Are you going to get up and go to school ? " I don 't know why he asked me . Like I 'd tell him no or something . He sighed loudly . " If you don 't go to school , I 'm going to give you a spanking , " he told me , then walked out , spraying cologne on . I ignored that statement . Even though I was sixteen years old , he always threatened to spank me , and never followed through . Why start worrying now . I didn 't answer , just snuggled with my stuffed animal and drifted back into a solemn sleep . Of course , the damn alarm clock started buzzing only minutes after I 'd fallen asleep . I slammed the snooze button countless numbers of times and finally just turned my alarm off and went to sleep , not waking up until about 10 : 30 . Oops . " Shit ! " I said aloud and stood up instantly , as if there was any chance of getting to school on time now . I slapped my forehead and glared at the ceiling . It 's not like it was the ceiling 's fault or anything . I just had to glare at something and it 's kind of hard to glare at yourself . " Dammit . How could I miss school ? I 've got that huge Chemistry test today and the creative writing thing due that I was going to work on in first period . Dammit , dammit , dammit ! I can 't go to school now . . " I don 't know where my line of reasoning came from , but that was it . So I called a friend from work . I hated that phrase , tag along . I was so close to declining when Mat took the phone from her . " Leslie ? What are you doing skipping class ? " Well , that was easy . I hurried out of my pjs and took a quick shower , not bothering to wash my hair because it was raining anyway . I slipped on my clothes and pulled my hair back in a ponytail . I sped to Olive Garden , not wanting to be late and hold them up for lunch . It was bad enough that I was tagging along anyway . They were waiting in the doorway when I got there . Mat was tall and thin , excited to see me as always . Carrie was about my height , not nearly as giddy , but hugged me anyway . The hostess came up and walked us to the back , handing us each a menu . I chose the least expensive decent - sounding thing on the menu and chowed down on salad and breadsticks as Mat and Carrie joked around about random things . I kept quiet for the most part , wanting them to forget about me being there , but they kept asking me questions about school and stuff , so I guess they didn 't mind too much that I was there . Then I started thinking about Thomas and how he 'd threatened me , yet again , with a spanking . He wouldn 't be happy when he found out that I didn 't go to school , and he would more than likely find out . He always found out when I did something wrong ! After lunch , Mat took up the tab as promised , then the three of us went in his car to the park and played around for a little while . Who cares that I 'm sixteen and they 're in their twenties ? We had fun anyway . I smiled and headed towards the house , teeth chattering , either from playing outside in the cold rain or nervousness . I don 't know why I was nervous . It 's harder to lie when you 're nervous . I needed to lie to get out of getting into trouble . But from the looks of it , that wasn 't going to happen . Thomas was home when I pulled into the driveway . I took a deep breath and threw my backpack over my shoulder and headed inside . My brother was sitting in the dining room at the table doing his homework like a good student . Of course , the moment I opened the door , I heard him stand up and he was soon in the doorway between the dining room and living room . He folded his arms . Apparently , he was pretty pissed off . " Don 't pull that shit with me , Leslie . You skipped school today . Yes or no . " He unfolded his arms and walked towards me . " I cannot believe you , " he scolded , shaking his head at me . " What did I tell you this morning before I left ? " I was about to the point of begging , but he didn 't allow me . Instead he moved his hands towards my pants and lowered them . " W - what are you doing ? " " Hush with all the questions , Leslie , " he ordered and swiftly pulled me over his knee . I struggled slightly , but he landed a hard smack on my bottom which caused me to squeal . " Stop moving . " It only took the first number for me to move my hands away . I had begun to whine even louder now , almost at a cry . " Pleaseee . . " He took that please as a sign to spank me instead of letting me up . I was hoping that it 'd all been a joke and he 'd been just trying to scare me , because if that was the case , it 'd sure as hell worked ! But that wasn 't it - - and I realized this when he landed the first flurry of smacks onto my bare bottom . They were hard and fast , concentrating mainly on my sitspots and the lower part of my bottom . " I 'm going to go , " I whined , almost to actual tears . " Please , Thomas . . . please stop . I 've learned my lesson . " " Not quite , " he answered , still spanking at full force . I 'd begun to squirm by this point and was trying to wiggle away from his grip , but he held onto me tighter . " If you don 't stop moving so much , you 're going to be sorrier than you already are . " I whined and tears started escaping from my eyes , but it didn 't keep him from spanking . He spanked and spanked and spanked until I couldn 't contain myself any longer and I was crying like a baby . Then he lifted me up with the false hope that it was over . I hobbled over to the corner , crying harder at this time . Thomas left the living room but was only gone for a couple of seconds , then sat down on the couch . I wanted to look and see why he 'd left , but didn 't dare take my nose away from the corner . It was already bad enough without making it harder on myself . He nodded and patted his lap . I could do nothing but comply and lay back over his lap . The first blow was the worst because I wasn 't expecting it , much less expecting how much pain it would cause . I shrieked as loudly as possible , by this point crying like a baby . He delivered a few final blows to my sit spots and set the brush down on the coffee table . I cried heavily over his lap and he let me stay there for a while . " Now , next time I tell you that you 're getting a spanking are you going to take me seriously ? " " Skipping class is dangerous , " he lectured . " Not only would it be a problem if someone got hurt and didn 't know where you were to contact you , it 'd be a problem if you got hurt , or if the school found out and it got put on your record . That wouldn 't be cool . " He kissed my cheek and pulled up my panties and pants . " Now , go work on whatever it was you missed in school today . Dinner will be ready in a couple of hours and we can watch CSI . " Misc Story . Alexis takes ecstasy and her friends aren 't too fond of the idea . She doesn 't have a real older brother , but Ryan is close enough , and takes it upon himself to let her know just how un - fond of the idea he is . It was 8 : 49pm , a school night , and I 'd just finished my homework . Okay , you 're right , it is a first , but what else could I have done ? I was sitting in my house by myself , it was dark outside , and everyone was either at work or sleeping . Not to mention if I didn 't turn in my homework the next day , my teacher wasn 't going to be very happen and I 'd have a good chance at failing the class . I wouldn 't mind if I hadn 't had to have the class , but it was American History and my teacher was doing his best to get me to pass because I 'd slacked off so much . My friend , Brent , kept making statements about how I should be taken over someone 's knee for skipping so much , but I didn 't think anything of it . Brent is three years older than me and a college student at a local university . We worked together . He is gorgeous . Anyway , enough about the homework . Did I mention I was livid ? How could she ? My mom , I mean . She was a borderline alcoholic and a compulsive gambler , trying to " recover . " But she wasn 't at home . Where else could she be ? You guessed it : the casino . And that pisses me off . . . because if she 's going to try and " quit " gambling , why the hell would she be at the casino ? ? So now you know that the addiction thing runs in the family , and I know it all too well . I 've had a few addictions of my own : chocolate , internet , bugging people . You know , just the normal stuff . Then I became a teenager and experimented with cigarettes , alcohol , and finally , ecstasy . The latter was my favorite of the three because it 's so great . It 'll get you feeling like you 're a million miles away and there 's no worries in the world . I could understand my mom 's fixation with gambling , because it 's nice to be numb . But did she really have to leave her sixteen year old daughter at home alone on a school night when she was already feeling down ? So I blamed her for the fact that I was dialing my drug dealer 's number . I hadn 't done X in over two months , since I began working with Brent and another friend of mine named Ryan . But I guess like they say , once an addict , always an addict . " Going okay , " I answered , clearing my throat . My hands were a little shakey because I always get nervous when I think about ecstasy , and the fact that I had no idea when my mom was coming home and I definitely didn 't want her to catch me on it . " Can I get some stuff ? " " O - okay . Thanks , " I stammered then hung up the phone . We always met at the same place , in the parking lot of an abandoned shopping center that they were planning on turning into a church . It was halfway between both of our houses . . a happy medium , so to speak . I stumbled to the refrigerator , palms sweaty but shivering , and stocked up on water , putting at least five bottles in my backpack . I went ahead and ate a poptart to kill time and snuggled with my cat until fifteen minutes had passed . I took a deep breath in to steady my racing pulse and scribbled a note for my mom . She hadn 't bothered to write me a note or anything , but I had the decency to do it for her . I threw the pen down in anger , scaring the hell out of my cat and apologizing , then storming outside , near tears . It was pretty nice outside , considering that it was the middle of February . Of course , Louisiana is fucked up and it was almost 70 degrees . My dealer was waiting for me when I pulled into the shopping center . I could recognize his car from anywhere : it was pimped out , like one of those ugly cars you see on " Pimp My Ride . " Personally , I would never drive it . But I guess to each their own . I popped the pill in my mouth without even thinking to look at it . Ecstasy pills are so pretty . . I love to look at them and admire its beauty . That sounds cheesily pathetic , I know . But really . . . it 's just like foreshadowing your feelings . The prettier the pill , the prettier you 'll feel when you take it . I love ecstasy . I took a swig of my water to wash the taste down . Never chew on an X pill , it tastes like shit . I didn 't chew it , I swallowed it , and it still tasted like shit . But don 't judge the effects by the taste . . because the effects are so not shit . Enough about my infatuation with ecstasy . After taking the pill , there wasn 't much I could do except for wait for it to kick in . It takes about an hour , so I was safe to drive until then . I wasn 't going to crash at Laurie 's house , because she would freak out when she found out what I was on , so it 'd be a good idea to contemplate who would let me actually crash with them for the night . My first thought was a Mexican friend of mine named Daniel . He loved me and would definitely take me in for a night . But when I called him , he was dead asleep and explained that he had to work that night . No way was I staying at his house with his crazy roommates . Who else was there ? Well , I had loads of Mexican friends , but none of them I trusted enough to be around me while on X . I had a friend from school that I tried to call , but she didn 't answer . I was kind of happy about that because I didn 't exactly want to be with her anyway . My last resort was to call Ryan or Brent . I don 't have many friends , but the ones I do have either live with their parents or freak out at the thought of drugs . Ryan nor Brent lived with their parents nor would they freak out over X . . . I hoped . I cleared my throat and found Ryan 's number in my phonebook then clicked the " Yes " button to dial . My hands were still shakey and I knew I was running out of time to find somewhere to go . It was nearing that one - hour mark and I didn 't want to be driving while under the influence . Too much shit could happen , like a wreck or going to jail or anything . I wasn 't going to take that chance . " Hey , " I said hastily , " I have a really important favor to ask . " My heart was racing because I was so nervous . I had no idea how Ryan would react to drugs . . . but he was only a few years older than me and had surely experimented before and couldn 't really get that upset with me . . . right ? I drove carefully to his house , being extra paranoid because the X could kick in at any moment . I didn 't want any cops to pull me over and it to kick in right at that moment and say or do something so stupid it 'd get me thrown in jail . They 'd have to pry my poor mother away from the slot machines at the casino and she 'd be pissed . " Pull yourself together , Alexis . Just make it up the stairs , and then you can do crazy shit , " I told myself , aloud , and then started giggling . I sipped on a bottle of water then opened the door of my car , checking three times to make sure I locked it and indeed had my keys in my pocket . Ryan must have been getting worried because he looked out the window to make sure I was okay . I gave him the thumbs - up sign and ambled towards his house . He lived in a duplex and his apartment was on the top floor . Yay for stairs . I just love them , especially when I 'm too fucked up to walk straight . After plowing into the wall several times , I finally made it up the stairs where Ryan was holding the door open . " What 's up with you ? Are you drunk ? " he asked , taking my backpack when I handed it to him . " Girl , you are so fucked up , " he told me , but sat down anyway . I lay my head in his lap and he pet my hair a little . " What 's wrong ? Why did you do ecstasy ? " " Because my mom is a bitch . I fucking hate her , " I told him , but giggled anyway . " I love you , Ryan ! " I told him . He shook his head . I listened to his heart thumping inside his chest . " I wouldn 't expect something like this out of you , " he said softly . I must 've snuggled with Ryan forever . We watched some tv and I giggled a lot , but nothing really that spectacular happened . I just felt numb , and that 's all I wanted . I dozed off somewhere in there . Well , I wouldn 't consider it actually sleeping . I was half gone , but mostly just had my eyes closed and was letting my mind dream for me , though I knew it was a dream . I knew when I opened my eyes that whomever it was that was talking to me would be gone . I pet Ryan 's cat for a little while . Then the after - effects started happening . . . the constant sick feeling . . . the sweating and shaking . " Alexis ? Are you okay ? " Ryan asked , and I could definitely hear the worry in his voice at this time , even though I was fucked up . I shivered and snuggled up to him , forgetting the argument about ecstasy . Ryan was there . He wouldn 't let anything bad happen to me . I trusted him . Next thing I remember I was still snuggled up in the blankets he 'd given me and lying on his couch , but he was in the other room talking on the phone . " You know more about this than me . . . . You 're going to be a doctor for god 's sake . Can 't you just come over and make sure she 's okay ? " Moments later , there was a slight knock on the door and I mumbled " who is it ? " although Ryan had already gotten up to get it . I peeked my eyes open and saw Brent in the doorway . I couldn 't help but smile . There was absolutely no worry in my mind . " Hey , Brent , " I whispered . I shook my head . " Just comin ' down . Tell Ryan not to worry . I 'm fine . I just need to snuggle and my tummy hurts . " " Are you sure you 're just coming down ? Have you ever taken it before ? Do you trust the person that had it ? Do you always get sweaty and cold when you 're coming down ? " Ryan was pacing back and forth . " She 'll be okay , " Brent said . " But I 'll stick around for a little while anyway . Get some sleep , Alex . " I nodded and closed my eyes again , not wanting to drink anymore water because then I 'd have to pee and I was sick of having to get up and pee . That was the only thing on my mind as I tried to go to sleep . I had some more crazy dreams where I thought people were talking to me and knew if I opened my eyes they 'd be gone , but otherwise , I finally managed to get some actual sleep . I woke up about 4am on Ryan 's bed . They must 've carried me in there . Ryan was conked out next to where I 'd been and as I headed for the restroom I noticed that Brent was sound asleep on the sofa . I was still a little messed up , so I tiptoed to the living room and shook Brent . " Yeah , you are . Get up , " Brent said as he came into the room . " We 're not taking pity on you because you decided to do drugs last night . Come on , I 'll drop you off . " " I don 't care , " Brent answered . " You have to be stern with her , " he was telling Ryan , " else she 'll think she can do whatever the hell she wants . That 's the problem with highschoolers these days . " " Shut up , Brent . It 's not like you 've never skipped before and you 're not that much older than I am . The only person who can talk about immature high schoolers is Ryan and that 's ' cause he 's a grandpa . " Nonetheless , it got me out of bed . It was actually kinda cool that they were being all demanding and insist that I go . . . kinda like the older brothers I never had and always wanted . But that didn 't keep me from complaining : " Fine , I 'll go to stupid school , but only to make you happy . " I rolled my eyes at him as he grabbed his jacket , then I gave Ryan a pathetic look . He just shook his head at me . He wasn 't in the usual Ryan - cheery mood . Brent didn 't seem too pleased either . Had I really made that bad of a mistake by going over to Ryan 's house ? " Uh huh , " I groaned , stretching my arms out and slipping my shoes on . I gave Ryan a big hug and wanted to apologize in the process , but there was a wad in my throat and I figured if I did , I 'd begin crying . I all of a sudden felt terrible for letting them down as opposed to upset that I got caught . Dammit . . . how does that happen ? Was I really that high on the morality chart ? " Was I that annoying last night ? " I asked , catching a glimpse of my car and knowing that there 'd be no way I could concentrate on driving . It was waay too bright outside and I was feeling a little too spacey . " Me , too . " He paused and unlocked the doors to his 4runner . " No , you weren 't that annoying , we 're just disappointed that you 'd do something so stupid . But we 'll talk about this after school , okay ? " He started up the 4runner and sped off . I leaned my head back and closed my eyes , still feeling a little sick . I think I dozed off for a minute , or I was just so lost in my thoughts that it didn 't take that long to get to my house . I desperately wished that he 'd just let me go to sleep and skip school , but I didn 't even bother asking - - I already knew the answer . Brent came inside with me and hung out with my cat while I showered . I pulled on my baggiest pair of jeans and a T - shirt because I felt like shit and didn 't care if I looked like shit . With my hair wet , I pulled it into a ponytail and slipped on some flip flops . " Ready , " I said . Brent blinked at me . He was really preppy and always dressed up all nice for everything . I couldn 't imagine him in a pair of sweatpants or baggy jeans . . . So he was probably surprised that I 'd be seen in public looking as shitty as I did . He would * never * look that shitty in public . My school day was quite uneventful . I turned in my American History homework to which my teacher was proud and told me if I kept it up , he 'd do something special for me . He really was a nice guy and was trying so hard to help me pass because he knew I had it in me . But hell , his assignments were hard as fuck and I wasn 't even the least bit interested in American History . He just said I needed some motivation , which is weird because Brent said that sometimes , too . So I guess his motivation for me was to do something special ? Or threaten me with failing ? I don 't think either really motivated me that much . . . I think I was just too bored to think of anything else to do . " Oh , my friend brought me to school . I ran out of gas and money , " I lied . They didn 't need to know about the drugs . They 're too goody - goody . " Nah , he 'll be here in a sec , " I told them . I really didn 't want them to meet Brent because they always had a habit of either scaring off my friends or stealing them from me . And Brent was too cool . . . I didn 't want them to do that to him . I stalked back towards the campus and noticed Brent 's SUV through the mass of cars . I ran towards it and hopped inside , desperate to get away from the school . We didn 't say much to each other and I guess I assumed that I could finally go home after he dropped me off at my car , but I was wrong . I gulped and walked towards his room . He shut the door behind him and I was getting a little freaked out . What the hell was he going to do ? ? " Do you not realize what the hell you 're doing to yourself ? Do you not realize how much you 're going to fuck up your head ? Ecstasy kills brain cells , it 's not healthy . There 's a healthier outlet of emotions , don 't you always say that about your mom ? Are you that hypocritical ? " I totally wasn 't expecting that . " Okay , so I fucked up . . I 'm sorry . . I promise I won 't do it again . " " I don 't want promises , Alexis . You can promise me everyday and that doesn 't mean anything . Didn 't you promise Brent last week that you 'd start going to all of your classes ? Didn 't you promise that you 'd start doing homework ? And have you followed through ? No . And this is too serious to rely on promises . You could seriously end up hurting yourself really badly . " He stopped pacing for a moment and stared straight into my eyes , then got on his knees , to my level , my face inches from his . " You are my friend , Alexis , even if I 've only known you for a couple of months . You mean a lot to me , and I don 't want you to fuck yourself up on drugs , okay ? You have too much ahead of you . Anytime your mom isn 't home you can stay with me . . . or anytime you want to stay you can , but you 're not going to do any drugs anymore , got it ? " The next thing he did , I totally wasn 't expecting : he hugged me ! And that was that . . . I was under the impression that it was all over . . . until he sort of pulled me off the bed and sat down in my spot . Well , that was okay . . . it was the next thing . . . the fiddling with the button of my pants that kinda caught me off guard . " Hey Ryan . . . what 're you doing . . ? " I said , but before I knew it , my pants were sliding down . I tried as hard as possible to keep them up , but Ryan pulled me over his lap . " A what ? ? ! ? " I shrieked , trying to roll off of his lap . The only problem was that he 's waay stronger than me and kept a good grip on me . " No , Ryan . . wait . . you can 't ! " " I won 't do it anymore . . . please don 't do this ! I feel like a seven year old ! " And felt even more like a seven year old when he started smacking my bottom with an open hand . To top it off , it actually * hurt * like shit and I kicked and squirmed , then reached my hands back to keep him from spanking . It didn 't work . . . instead of stopping the spanking , he grabbed my wrists and pinned them against my back . I sure was putting up a fight and I 'd almost forgotten that Brent was in the other room . Obviously , no one would want someone else to hear them getting spanked , especially someone like Brent who kept telling me how much I deserved it . So you 'd think I would have tried to be quiet so he wouldn 't be able to hear , but I wasn 't . Ryan was spanking way too hard for that . Finally , after a few minutes of that , he stopped . I instantly hopped off of his lap and rubbed my bum . " Nope , I 'm not finished , Alexis . " I whined like a little girl but didn 't wait for his count of three . I was sure that the longer I prolonged this the more pain I 'd end up being in . That was the logic through my head as I rolled over on my stomach , sore bottom in the air . Of course , you know how it goes . . . I couldn 't help but move my hands back to cover my bottom . I reluctantly moved them in front of me . Then I heard a sound and turned to see what it was , only to notice that he was taking his belt off . This really got me whining good . I moved my hands , almost to tears , and tried my hardest to keep them in front of me as he landed three more deafening blows to my backside . Then I couldn 't help it and had to move them back again . It hurt too much . " I 'm sooooo sorrryyy ! " He paused , but when he noticed that I wasn 't moving my hands anytime soon , he moved them for me . " Stop reaching back , " he ordered then landed a couple of more until I reached back again . It must 've been aggravating for him , but I couldn 't help it ! The spanking hurt soooooo much . That should 've been enough to keep me from doing it - - it 's bad enough that Brent could hear all that was going on , he most definitely didn 't need to see it . But guess what ? After three hard smacks , my hands wanted to reach back and I restrained , until he landed the fourth , and I couldn 't help it . I had to . . . it hurt sooo badly . . . and it 's like a reflex ! I moved my arms in front of me and Brent grabbed ahold of each wrist . He sat down and we were pretty much eye - to - eye which was very embarrassing . I felt like such a little kid . It didn 't take long before Ryan began spanking me again and Brent ended up having to keep a good hold on my hands . He kept me from squirming too much and talked to me in a soft voice , as if I was having a baby and in pain . " It 's almost over , " he was saying , " just a little longer . " How weird is that ? It felt like forever before the spanking finally ended and I really was bawling like a baby . I hadn 't expected myself to start crying , but I felt so miserable for letting my friends down and I wasn 't in control of what was happening . For all I knew , he could 've been spanking me all night ! But I think he was just waiting for me to break , and once I was broken , Brent let go of my hands and Ryan lifted me up and snuggled with me for soooo long and it felt so great . And Brent sat next to us and pet my hair . . . " I think she needs to rest a bit , " Ryan said and Brent nodded . They both kissed me on the forehead and tucked me into bed . I smiled and rolled onto my stomach , panties now up , but no pants . My hair was matted against my face from crying so much . . . but that was far from my mind . . . the only thing I was thinking was " What the hell just happened ? " It was so weird , like something from a dream . No , the spanking wasn 't pleasant . . . far from that . But after so many years of being an only child and having only my mom around , who only cared about me half of the time . . . it was kinda cool having some kind of older brother to take care of me . I was ready to be taken care of , and if that meant spankings , I was all for it . I 've written over 200 spanking stories since the age of 15 . My work has been featured in CF Publications , and my first full - length ebook ( Spanked by Her Brother ) was published in April 2016 by LSF Publications . I love chatting with people , so feel free to add me on social media and strike up a conversation : ) Outside of spanking , I enjoy traveling , partying , philosophizing , thinking about sociology , guitar hero , roller coasters , and being spontaneous . View my complete profile |
Geronimo has been the subject of movies before ; Chuck Conners played Geronimo in Geronimo 1962 , and in 1993 Wes Studi took on the legend in Geronimo : An American Legend . In the 1950 's Desilu western television show , The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp , Earp befriends Geronimo . But no one has ever resurrected the Spirit of Geronimo , and allowed himself to become the embodiment of the Great Apache Warrior turned prisoner of war … until now . Ramos 's performance before a hometown crowd at The Lawton Community Theater did not disappoint . A full house eagerly welcomed the actor home . While waiting for the show to begin , the local audience chattered amongst themselves about " how they knew Rudy . " The chattered died down when Ramos took his place on stage for act one . The play begins in 1886 Arizona as Geronimo prepares to surrender to the US government , and Ramos 's audience travels back in time and becomes Geronimo 's audience . As the play progresses , it becomes apparent that Geronimo takes great pleasure in entertaining an audience . An enraptured crowd who thought they came to see Rudy Ramos play Geronimo is instead taken on a journey through time , hosted by Geronimo , that begins at the warrior 's surrender in Arizona , and ends in Lawton , Oklahoma , 1909 , shortly before his death . Through Ramos , Geronimo is allowed to share his innermost thoughts with his audience . We see more than just another side to Geronimo . We are given access to his mind and his spirit so that we are able to understand who Geronimo really was and how he made the decision to surrender , not to give up , but to preserve the future of the Apache tribe . To find out more about Geronimo , Life on the Reservation click here . To learn more about the author , Janelle Meraz Hooper click here . To find out about the next High Chaparral Reunion click here . Rudy Ramos fans will be excited to know that his reading was recorded , and is available for viewing . Rudy will be taking " Geronimo , Life on the Reservation , " on a nation wide tour that will premiere on March 22 , 2014 , during the High Chaparral Reunion at the casino del Sol . Tour dates are scheduled for Tombstone , Arizona , Santa Fe , New Mexico , and Muskogee , Oklahoma , with more on the way , giving us all the opportunity to see the best adaptation of " Geronimo " ever ! Visit to get all of the most up - to - date information ! High Chaparral Fans please visit the High Chaparral Reunion website ! Be sure to register for the 2014 reunion ! The reunion is held in Tucson , Arizona at ' Old Tucson Studios ' where High Chaparral was filmed in March or April . Fans will enjoy private luncheons with cast members , a cocktail meet and greet , a trail ride , and many other fun and memorable activities . This event will be a vacation of a life time for High Chaparral fans ! Visit the website and register for the reunion here . If you are on Facebook , please visit and " like " the High Chaparral Reunion page . Penny is there every day , posting memories , old and new , and keeping fans up to speed on all of the latest HC " must know " news ! High Chaparral Reunion Page on Facebook . I think it was 1996 . Jerry and I were supervisors together at a local business . I guess we were both still young enough to hang out with folks from work . . . something that I stopped doing years ago . The Rolling Stones were coming to Owen Field at the University of Oklahoma and several of us decided to go as a group . Jerry opted for a party bus so that we could drink and not be concerned with driving . Thinking about all of this puts me in mind of how much I have aged just since the nineties , because we went to see the Stones on a party bus - on a work night ! ! We were older , true , but in retrospect , not yet wiser ! Jerry entrusted the security of the tickets to me . And I in turn , promptly had them stolen ! I can 't remember how many of us had tickets , but I do remember that I had them all ! Jerry was a long time local business man who was taking a brief break from operating the family business when we met . Jerry had the good sense to purchase the tickets with his credit card , so he was able to have the stolen Stones tickets replaced and waiting for us at will call when the party bus dropped us off at the stadium . The stadium was packed and all concert goers were herded beneath the bleachers like cattle both coming and going . Our original tickets were on the 50 yard line a few rows back from the tickets that replaced the stolen ones . The new ones were much better because there was a second stage in the middle of the stadium and our seats were on the same row as that second stage . So we got to see Mick Jagger perform so close to us that we could see the groupies toss their undergarments to him as he sweated , danced , and sang to the crowd . I was not going to let the people who stole the original tickets off the hook so easily . So on the way to our seats , I stopped at the original seats and approached the one who was seated in mine . She was someone I knew from Oklahoma City and she had the audacity to tell me that she had those tickets for over a month . I could see the guilt well up in her face when I was able to name the precise time and place when she got those tickets only a few days earlier . As far as I was concerned , the group of people who stole the tickets should be escorted in shame out of the venue . But Jerry intervened . He just wanted to have a good time and let the issue of the original tickets go . I didn 't like it , but I was a women in my early thirties who had two kids , at a Rolling Stones Concert with a bunch of coworkers on a party bus ! I had a mid - life coming of age moment and I dropped the issue , thus most likely preventing my own homicide ! Our best times were mostly spur of the moment ideas , like the time when we found ourselves at the annual " Lions Club " Carnival that had set up in the parking lot at the mall on a gloriously sunny afternoon in May , when we spontaneously piled into her 84 Delta 88 and set out to have some fun . The two of us were standing at the carousel watching as the ride went round and round ; as our kids went up and down on their painted pony of choice . The moment was as magical as the music , and thoughts of holding on to a fleeting moment in time didn 't occur . The idea came to me that this place was costing us too much money , so we decided to leave , and in about a half an hour we were pulling into an empty parking lot at the virtually forgotten Eagle Park in Cache , Oklahoma . Eagle Park was once the epicenter of fun for those living in southwest Oklahoma . Now , in the eighties , the momentum was already fading - so for this old amusement park to revive itself for what may have been its very last time ( for all I know ) , was truly spectacular . Our kids were full of enthusiasm and excitement because we were an adventurous bunch , so while they never knew what to expect from " us moms , " they did know that whatever we were going to do was going to be packed with treasured moments that would linger in their memories for a life time . The five of them were curious and I , self - assured , as we seemed to cross an invisible bridge , into a place that was made just for us to enjoy on that day , in that moment . We were in the midst of shut down old wooden food stands with faded red and blue paint , that offered food for our spirits and not for our bodies . There were rides standing still and the children gazed . So did we . An older man ( perhaps in his fifties or sixties ) with gray hair , and wearing blue jeans , a western shirt , and cowboy boots came out of the office of the old place . He seemed to be expecting us . The park came alive , one ride at a time . The kids were overjoyed as they ran from the swings , to the twist - a - whirl as one lone operator and six park guests chattered and laughed in a truly golden moment that must have always been planned for us to be there - on that day , in that time , when a treasure simply presented itself to us and we took it . Eagle Park is an Oklahoma Ghost town now . The first bunch of kids , and the second are all grown and making their own memories with their own families and best friends . One left us early , when he was twenty . Until today , in this moment , I hadn 't thought a lot about that moment . The time when we had our own private amusement park ; and we made a memory . " Daddy 's not here dummy . " I said . " And I know how brave you are . You ran home screamin and cryin when Mrs . Delaney 's Chihuahua chased you home from school . " Just then I heard the back door creak open and the screen door slam . Hooby and I were home by ourselves since Daddy was working . We didn 't know where our mom was . She left us a long time ago . Then we heard footsteps . They sounded like big feet to me . Like the heavy sound a boot makes when it 's being worn by a grown man and being walked across a wood floor . The footsteps got louder and closer and Hooby ran and hid behind a curtain while I stood frozen ; I was like a deer in the headlights if ever there was one . When the predator at last made his appearance he didn 't look anything like I 'd imagined . He was a tall , man , with a slender build . He had salt and pepper hair with more pepper than salt and the oddest style I have ever seen . His hair was cut short and parted on the side and careful styled with hairspray ( obviously ) , so that the front sticks out like a cliff about four or five inches from the forehead . He was wearing a tanned uniform with freshly polished cowboy boots , a gun in a holster and a badge . " I 'm sorry I scared you kids . I just wanted to come home and see if everything was all right here at the house . Now I don 't want you to worry about anything . Just keep the doors locked . I 've got somebody watchin the house at all times . I wish I could stay home with ya 'll , but I can 't . I have to work . I have to help catch this guy and put him back where he belongs . " " Hoob " This escapee , Bobby Plant ( that 's his name ) , did get the death penalty for his crime . But last year the death penalty was declared to be against the law . So all the people on death row got commuted to life . " Dad said . " It appears he made some kind of false bottom in a laundry basket . He worked in the prison laundry . I just know he couldn 't have escaped if he was still on death row . All prisoners are worthless if you ask me . A bullet only costs twenty - five cents . I think they should all be lined up and shot right in the head . Problem solved . " Dad said . Dad never had a problem saying exactly what he thought . His unique take on freedom of speech got him in trouble on more than one occasion in his life . Dad carefully walked around the house checking to make sure all the windows and doors were secure . Then he went outside and walked all around the house with his really really bright policeman flashlight that is not only good for seeing in the dark , but also for busting windows , heads , or whatever needs busted . I was trying to watch Dad from the backdoor of the laundry room , but it was too dark . Then I saw the door to the shed open and sure enough someone peaked out as if to see if the coast was clear . I knew they couldn 't see me from where I was watching . The shed door closed again and I knew I needed to act quickly . " First , I need to tell Dad . " I said to myself as I put my plan into action . " Then I need to call the police . And Hooby . He needs to hide some place safe . But where ? " My mind was all over the place . " Oh I know . I 'll send him over to Mrs . Delaney 's . " " I may have to pour water on him to wake him up . " I thought . " " Hooby . Wake up ! Do you understand me . Wake up now ! ! " " You need to get your shoes on and run out the front door and run to Mrs . Delaney 's house as fast as you can . Tell her I sent you and I 'll explain later . Can you do that ? " " I should call the police now . " I thought . " Then I 'll find dad . That way if anything goes wrong the police will be on their way . " After I called the police , I quietly crept around back to see where dad was . It was dark and I couldn 't see anything , but I figured I 'd see his flashlight and find him easy enough . When I spotted Dad , he was just about to open the door to the shed where I saw Bobby Plant hiding a few minutes earlier . I knew dad was careful , but I figured if he knew the guy was in there it would eliminate the element of surprise . I went back inside through the laundry room and as quick as I stepped inside I was captured like a Venus fly trap catches a fly . I never saw it coming . Suddenly my short small body was being held against a larger body and his big hand easily covered my mouth and nose and it smelled like salt and dirt . About the same time I saw the flashing lights of the police cars outside . It was starting to look like Dad and the other cops were going to open the shed and find the same thing Geraldo Rivera found years later when he opened Al Capone 's vault . " You need to keep quiet kid , if you like breathin . You dig what I 'm sayin . " Bobby said . " I 'm gonna let you go and when I do you don 't run away and you don 't scream . " " It 's meatloaf , mashed potatoes , and green beans . " I said . " Me and my grandma snapped the beans ourselves . She taught me how . You better eat it quick though . He was finishing up his plate of food and I rinsed it off in the sink . Neither Bobby nor I realized it , but the police spotted us in the house and were surrounding the entire house with men . The phone rang . " Katy . It 's your daddy . Try not to be scared . We 're gonna catch Plant . We see him . Does he have any weapons that you can see , honey ? " Bobby and I sat down at the dining room table . Sitting there at the table with Bobby Plant made me feel the dichotomy of the situation although at the time I wouldn 't have explained it just that way . Our dining room with its round oak table and white linen napkins and tassels on the curtains was the safest and warmest place I knew . Now I was sitting here with a deadly criminal and I was his hostage . I was in the most danger I had ever been in as long as I 'd been alive . Some how I managed to keep Bobby engaged in conversation which distracted him from worrying about getting captured . He didn 't even notice when two officers came in from behind and grabbed him before he ever knew they were there . I 'm glad they didn 't have to shoot him . That was a long night for me and for dad . Until now , I don 't suppose I have ever told anyone about that night . I just hadn 't thought about it . Dad still thinks we oughta just shoot prisoners in the head and be done with them . Some people just refuse to change I guess . This is a story that I like , but I have never revised . This is nothing more than an old rough draft that is still in need of much revision . Feedback is welcome - I thought that if I posted my sstory in its rough form , that perhaps I might be inspired to resume my work on it , and give it a good polishing . I saw the sunlight through my eyelids so I knew it was morning . I slept in the alley behind the Piggly Wiggly with my back propped up against the wall . My long hair and mustache were matted with drool and vomit . I looked around my and saw the two empty pints of vodka I drank the night before . I realized I was tightly gripping another and was relieved to find a good corner left to give me a little relief from the shakes . I took the last swig and tossed the bottle . I always hate the overwhelming feeling of guilt I get when I start to sober up a little bit . My ex - wife is driving our daughter down to Florida this weekend where she 's goin to grad school . They shouldn 't have to be makin the trip alone . I pulled a picture of my daughter out of my wallet . In it she 's about six or seven and the way she 's posed she looks like she 's getting ready to report the news . That picture always makes me smile , ya know ? But Nicole just graduated from college a couple of weeks ago . She 's a pretty girl with honey blond hair and big brown cow - eyes like mine . My sister Donna used to tell me I had cow - eyes . Nicole is athletic like me too . I played football all through school . Nicole is a figure skater . Liquor stores are closed on Sunday in Oklahoma . As usual , I bought a pint to save for Sunday , but I drank it . I felt around in the pockets of my wranglers to see if I had enough money for a six pack of beer . I knew I desperately needed to eat , but I needed a drink a lot worse . Eating was futile anyway . The longer I chewed the bigger food got in my mouth . Swallowing food is next to impossible . And no way could I keep it down . I was so sick that even my eyelashes hurt . I decided not to waste my change on piss water . Beer didn 't even have enough alcohol to make me mad . I had just enough change for a 64 ounce bottle of Dollar Store listo . I paid the cashier for the mouthwash and went back to my spot and lit a cigarette . I must 've puked a gallon . My gut convulsed and I heaved uncontrollably - partly from the alcohol poisoning and partly from the thought of drinking the listo . I started gagging wildly from the pit of my stomach all the way up through my esophagus and the puke shot out of my mouth and nose like a polluted water fountain at the thought what I was about to do . Stomach acid burned my nostrils and tears poured from my red , swollen eyes . After a few minutes I composed myself enough to crack open the listo and I swallowed about half the bottle in a single chug . That shit is so god awful I had to swig as much as I could in one gulp just to get it over with . The terrible concoction I just deliberately ingested hit my stomach like a sledge hammer . My stomach started convulsing violently again . My body rejected the listo , but I had to force myself to keep it down . The wretched sensation in my body made me want to shit , puke or die , but I didn 't know which . I had to keep it down . Easiness came over me after several agonizing moments , and I knew relief was at hand . A toxic liquid current flowed through my veins and eased the nagging demon that tortured my soul until I gave my body what it demanded . I was 45 years old by the time I ended up drinking listo behind the Piggly Wiggly in Tulsa . I tried to stand up , but I just kept falling back down , so finally just gave up and lay there face down , taking up six feet and four inches of alley space from my size 12 hiking boots to my Dallas Cowboy cap that waited beside me like a loyal friend to go back on my head . In a stupor I had visions and thoughts of my life . I heard my sister Donna 's best friend Laurie calling me . I was fourteen years old and in the ninth grade during the fall of 1976 . Donna and Laurie pulled Donna 's 69 Cougar up beside me as I walked down Melrose Lane in Oklahoma City . I was coming home from football practice . " Hey Bubba ! Hop in ! Let 's go for a ride ! . " Donna said . She opened her door and pulled her seat forward and motioned for me to get in the backseat . Laurie was rolling a joint . Jethro Tull 's Locomotive Breath was blasting over the speakers . Donna was two years older than me and I thought she was so cool . She was tall and pretty with long blond hair . All the boys in school wanted to go out with her and the girls all wanted to be friends with her . I didn 't know where I fit in yet , but I sure did look up to my sister back then . I crawled into the backseat of Donna 's Cougar and I smoked my first joint . It was also Donna who gave me my first hit of acid and my first shot of heroin . Donna went to prison when she was in her thirties for forging checks to get money for drugs . Oh , and her friend Laurie died of a drug overdose back in high school . Getting high gave me a sense of confidence I hadn 't had before . I felt cool . I was making friends and I finally felt like I fit in somewhere . I was having fun too . When I was high I felt like there was an amusement park in my head . Dad was an alcoholic . He quit drinking on his own when he was in his late forties and never touched another drop . I always thought that 's the way it would be for me too . That one day I would just quit like Dad did . I always looked up to dad . He was kind of like my hero I guess . Dad never did take shit off of nobody . One time at his work he got pissed off at his boss and he reared back and thrust his hands forward and shoved his boss 's desk over ! I was home alone one afternoon and didn 't have any pot so I decided to improvise . I started lookin around for Dad 's stash and I found a fifth of Popov vodka hidden way back in the coat closet behind some Christmas paper and my sister 's old Mystery Date game . I poured myself a good glassful and replaced what I took from the bottle with water . If Dad noticed , he never said anything about it . I sat on the couch in the living room and drank vodka while I watched Brutus and Popeye duke it out over Olive Oyl on our family 's old 19 inch color portable . My first taste of alcohol gave me the sweetest sense of peace I had ever known . Smoking pot was great , but for me alcohol was exactly what I had been looking for all along . I know people say alcohol and drugs are different , but they 're not . Alcohol is the king of drugs . I was married once . Carly and I met in high school . But the first time I ever saw her was when we were both about nine or ten years old at her dad 's filling station . I was with my mom when she pulled in there to get gas . A pretty barefoot girl in cut - off jeans and dirty feet pumped the gas and she must have made an impression because I never did forget her . When Carly and I did start dating I noticed that she bit her fingernails and I said something about it . A couple of weeks later her nails were growing out and polished and she keeps them nice to this day . That 's when I knew she loved me . I called her my Cinnamon girl cause she had the most gorgeous soft long cinnamon brown hair and these hypnotic emerald green eyes . We got married after graduation . Carly straightened up when she found out she was pregnant . She quit everything . Cigarettes , drugs , drinking - and after that her life was all about the baby . I didn 't change though . But I fell in love with my baby girl the day she was born . It was a frozen December that year and Carly and I lived in Medicine Park , Oklahoma . The roads and everything were iced over . Wouldn 't you know that would be the night Carly would go into labor ? Her water broke and she woke me cause she thought she peed the bed . I didn 't even have gas in the car . The whole village was frozen over and I knocked on every door until I finally found someone who would give us a ride to the hospital . Yeah , in those days I believed I had a good life ahead of me . No one noticed that I slipped out of the hospital and made a quick dash to the liquor store for a pint of vodka . This damned addiction had such a hold on me that I chose it over my own daughter . I pried my eyes open and looked around , realizing I was in jail . Sick as hell I raised up from the bunk . " Yeah . " " Get up . You have to go before the judge . " I managed to crawl off of my bunk and follow the jailer to the booking room to see the judge . I didn 't remember getting arrested , but whatever I was charged with , I 'm sure I did it . I 'd been in jail hundreds of times and I knew the drill . Somehow , I had always managed to avoid being charged with a felony , but I have been in city and county jails from Lawton to Claremore . Judge Parrish presided . " Hawkins , when are you gonna cut out all of this nonsense ? I 'm getting kind of tired of seeing you in my courtroom . " " I plan to quit sir . I 'm getting too old for this . " " Yes you are . I don 't think I have ever seen the same person come through my courtroom as many times as you have . I don 't want to see you anymore . " " Yes sir . " " You 're charged with public intoxication . How do you plead ? " " No contest . " " $ 750 fine . You can pay the cashier at the court clerk 's office or sit the fine out in jail at five dollars a day . Send in Ronnie Johnson . " He told the jailer as I was dismissed back to my cell . I crawled back into my bunk and went to sleep . I knew I 'd make trustee in a day or two and that would earn me $ 80 a day toward my fine . I 'd be out in less than two weeks . I was voted most likely to succeed in high school . I 've always been an over achiever to compensate for my shortcomings . It 's the typical behavior of an alcoholic to be exceptional in whatever we do in hopes that no one will notice our faults . Fooling counselors and the otherpatients in treatment was easy for me . I 'd been to treatment so many times I could run the program myself . I always knew I was going to drink as soon as I got out , but I still fooled everyone . I remember a time in group when one of the younger patients had something to say . " When I first got here , all I wanted to do was leave . But Hawk saw me sitting in a corner by myself and he reached out to me . He encouraged me not to give up . He told me I could make it if I would give it a chance . I just wanted to say Thanks Hawk . You 're all right , man . " Guilt and Shame raged inside of me like cancer . Hate and alienation from loved ones happens as a result of the disease of alcoholism . If I had another disease , like pancreatic cancer or something my loved ones would be surrounding me , right ? But alcoholism makes me do things that makes me feel guilty and ashamed and makes my family ashamed of me . I honestly don 't mean to do such terrible things , but they just happen . I have a lot of guilt because I was not there to raise my daughter . I always loved her and planned to take care of her . But I couldn 't stop doing what I was doing and she grew up so fast . My wife is the one who had to work and she took such good care of Nicole . I remember a rare time when I was at home alone with Nicole and the police came to pick me up on a warrant . " You 're not taking me anywhere until I get someone here to take care of my daughter . " I said . The police waited until my mom could get there to take my daughter . But it was only one of the countless times my little girl suffered the shame of watching her daddy being carted off to jail in handcuffs . " You have to leave Hawk . The only thing you ever do is drink . And if you 're not drinking you 're tryin to find a way to get a drink . I 'm not doin this anymore . " Carly said . I was 44 years old and sick to death of the way I was living my life . " You do whatever the hell you want Hawk . I don 't give a damn . Drink . Don 't drink . Whatever you want . Just leave me the hell alone . " " Just listen to me . Please . I need a ride to treatment in Watonga . I don 't know anyone else who can take me there . Even if you don 't want anything else to do with me , please will you take me to treatment ? " " Stop wasting my time , Hawk ! That 's a week from now . By then you 'll be working on you 're next bunch of empty promises and lies . " " This time is different Carly . I swear . I don 't want to do this anymore . The pint I drank today really was the last one . I can 't get into Watonga any sooner or I would . But I have already made up my mind not to drink anymore and I 'm not going too . " Carly did drive me to Watonga and I stayed sober for six months . It was the best six months of my life . I started my own cleaning business and was very successful . I built a large savings account got , my driver license , bought a car , and paid off old fines . I put as much effort into being sober as I ever did into drinking and I was good at it . In fact , I had been so good I decided to reward myself , so one night six months sober ; I bought a pint to drink while I watched a pre - season Dallas Cowboys football game . I needed to get a grip . " I 'm David Hawkins . It 's Sunday June 15 , 2008 . I 'm 45 years old and I 'm drunk off my ass . I 'm behind the Piggly Wiggly on Admiral in Tulsa . " I was starting to sober up . I passed out . " We need an ambulance out here . " The police were called when a guy from Piggly Wiggly brought out some trash . I had drunk myself unconscious before , but this time was different . I wasn 't unconscious , but I couldn 't tell anyone that I knew what was going on . At the emergency room charcoal was pumped in my stomach and mouthwash was pumped out . I drifted in and out of consciousness but I pretty much knew what was going on . After a few hours I finally talked to a doctor . " You know what happened . You damn near killed yourself drinking mouthwash and vodka . Your pancreas is shot which you probably already know . Chances are if you drink again you probably won 't survive . You need to stay here in the hospital because of your pancreatitis . You can 't have anything by mouth until we can get you stabilized . I 'll get you ready to move upstairs . " The doctor was right . I had known for years that I had pancreatitis . I just didn 't really believe it was as bad as they all made it sound . I stayed in the hospital and got myself dried out . Then I borrowed a few dollars from a nurse and I left . I ducked along the side of the liquor store and cracked open the red cap . I guzzled the whole pint in one swallow like it was Kool - aid . I sat on the ground and pulled out my favorite picture of Nicole from my wallet . I stared at it for a long time both laughing and crying . |
Ella and Lily both got American Girl dolls for Christmas . Lily 's is a real baby doll with lots of clothing in a trunk . Ella 's is a bigger girl , and she looks a bit like Ella - dark brown eyes , brown hair . Lily likes her baby well enough , but Ella is in love with her doll . Her name is Hermione ( what else could it be ? ) and she goes everywhere with Ella - to playtime at Matilda 's , to playtime at Lisa 's . Ella also has to sleep with Hermione in bed with her . Every morning Ella changes Hermione 's clothes and brushes her hair . Ella 's never really been into baby dolls , so I 'm a bit surprised by her reaction to Hermione . My mom pointed out that maybe this doll is different because she 's a girl , not a baby . I suppose that could be it . I have to admit that I think the dolls are really cool . When I was little I played with my mom 's Mindy doll , who had a trunk full of clothes . I 'd change her clothes and pretend she was going to different events . I think I 've been looking at the American Girl catalog just as much as Ella has been . And I get frustrated with Lily because she won 't let me change her baby 's clothes - what 's the point of having a trunk full of clothes if the doll doesn 't wear them ? I overheard Ella talking to Matilda about her doll 's wardrobe - she was lamenting her doll 's lack of a nightgown . Ella doesn 't like that Hermione has to sleep in clothing every night . I started thinking that a nightgown wasn 't an unreasonable request from Ella - besides she hadn 't really asked me for it . So this morning I gave her the catalog and told her she could pick out one nightgown or set of pjs for her doll . She was just thrilled . I see this as the start of a bad trend on my part . Because I think the dolls and outfits are cool , I could very easily fall into the habit of buying Ella clothes for her doll just because I can . I had said that she would only get clothes for birthdays and Christmases , but it seems unfair to make her wait that long for new clothes . I 'll have to come up with a system to keep myself under control and to keep hokgardner It turns out I 'm not the only person in the house who just loves , loves , loves babies . Ella and Lily engage in bouts of baby worship on a daily basis . Campbell will be sitting quietly in his seat and one or the other or both will just descend on him . They cover him in kisses and sing him songs and give him hugs and then zoom off , again , leaving him a little bewildered . Ella is a little more restrained than Lily in her affections . Ella likes to sing Campbell songs and " speak " to him in baby language , which mostly involves saying " goo - goo , ga - ga " to him over and over again . She thinks she 's communicating because Campbell usually laughs when Ella does it . Lily is far more agressive . We say that Campbell is as big as he is so that he can survive her love . She likes to climb into his car seat with him , and she rocks him so hard in his bouncy seat that we 're afraid she 's going to catapult him across the room . We 're constantly saying , " Lily , not so hard ! " Fortunately , Campbell 's a good sport about it . I 've discovered that Lily becomes much more attentive to Campbell when other people are paying attention to him . She 'll start hugging and kissing him , and then the person will say , " Oh what a good big sister you are ! " Lily just eats it up - she 's got the system figured out . If she pays attention to Campbell , people pay attention to her . That having been said , Lily does still love on Campbell when no one 's watching . I 'll come in the room and catch her talking or singing to him or reading him books even though no one is there to see her doing it . Watching the girls with Campbell makes me feel like we 're doing something right as parents . I know there will be sibling rivalry - heck , there already is - but at heart , they all love each other . Posted by Christmas is over , the presents have all been put away , the relatives have all gone home , and the girls still have two weeks left in Christmas break . Now what do we do ? My parents left this morning , and the girls and I looked at each other in puzzlement . It 's the first morning in a week that we haven 't had a planned activity or house guests here to keep us busy . We didn 't know what to do with ourselves . I gave in and turned on some cartoons for a while to give myself a break from pestering . Then we ended up outside to play with friends for an hour , which was a life - saver . Now comes the tricky part - just what do we do for the next two weeks so that we don 't go insane . Having a baby to tote along makes things harder . Loading three kids into the car can sometimes send me into a panicked frenzy , as my parents witnessed yesterday . I 'd get two kids ready and the third would refuse to cooperate . I guess we 'll invite lots of friends over to visit . It 's easier sometimes to bring the fun here . It 's been a good Christmas , so far . No one 's ended up sick or in the hospital - yet . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that we don 't have repeats of past years . Also , this was the first time in two years that we haven 't travelled . I don 't think Ella remembers having Christmas morning at our own house . It was nice to be home on Christmas morning . I don 't think we 'll go anywhere for Christmas again for a long time . My parents and sister were able to come here , which made it even better to be home . We started the festivities at Brandon 's grandmother 's house with that side of the family . I didn 't realize gift giving would be happening , so I didn 't bring any of their gifts . Oops . The girls had a great time handing out and opening presents . They did it so quickly that I lost track of who gave them what . The big hit , as far as Lily is concerned , are her fancy slippers . They have little heels and feathers - just the thing a three - year - old would love . Christmas morning started with the girls hitting our bedroom door with a thud . They burst in shouting , " Santa came ! Santa came . " The proof ? He ate the cookies and drank the milk that they left out for him . Just seeing the gifts wasn 't enough - once they saw the empty plate they were convinced . Once the present opening started , Ella was ruthlessly efficient . Lily , however , kept getting distracted . She 'd be halfway opening one present when Ella would hand her another . She 'd drop the original present , still wrapped , and start on the next one . It was pretty funny . We kept having to turn her around and get her to focus on one gift at a time . Ella had asked Santa for an Easy Bake Oven , and she got one . This has extended her belief in Santa for another year . She 's already make one cake . And she tells everyone she talks to about it . My parents gave the girls each an American Girl Doll ( http : / / www . americangirl . com ) . Ella was so thrilled with hers that she was speechless . She held it with this look of absolute joy on her face . My mom was worried that she didn 't like it because Ella didn 't saPosted by I was having a big pity party for myself this morning . I found out yesterday that a friend who had a baby , by c - section , four weeks AFTER I did , ran 10 miles yesterday . I 'm still struggling with three miles . What am I doing wrong ? I know I have three kids , and she only has one , but still . I ought to be farther along than this . I had planned to run with a friend this morning and push myself a bit , but I had to cancel because I have done something to my neck . Right now it hurts to walk , so there 's no way I could go for a run . I pondered doing a slow jog through the ' hood , but after being up for a while this morning , I gave up on that idea . So now it 's been a week since I 've run , and I 'm more than a little frustrated . And hearing about Moya 's campus run didn 't help things . But after spending an hour playing with Campbell this morning , I snapped out of my self - pitying mood . He 's just the happiest , smiliest baby right now . He sat in my lap and talked and laughed and kicked for an hour . And that hour made not being able to run seem like a really small price to pay . If I had gone running I would have missed that bit of time with him . Posted by I volunteered to help chaperone Ella 's class field trip today . The teacher 's plan was to go caroling in the neighborhood , which didn 't go quite the way she expected . But more on that in a minute . Two classes went caroling - about 40 kids . Ella 's class had half a dozen parents show up to help . The other class had none . The teachers lined all the kids up and had them hold on to a length of rope in an attempt to keep everyone together . Turned out to be a pretty bad idea . The boys delighted in playing tug - of - war with each other and wrapping the rope around their friends . Other kids thought it was fun to sit on the rope as the other kids were walking along . Then there were the times when the kids on the front end of the rope were walking , but the ones on the back end weren 't , bringing the ones in front to a screeching halt . Finally the teachers gave up and had the kids walk with partners . Campbell and I brought up the end of the line , keeping the stragglers with the group . Two little boys kept fighting over who got to be the absolute last person in line . I had to break up a wrestling match more than once . Other kids would fall behind because they spotted something they wanted to investigate . It 's amazing what can distract kids - a leaf , a mud puddle , a fence , a parked car . You name it , we stopped to look at it . Another boy fell behind the group because he was busy walking backwards so that he could warn me not to step on things . The caroling wasn 't very successful because no one was home . We caught two elderly women at the first house we went to and sang to them . But then we walked and walked , looking for someone else to sing to . One man told the mom who knocked on the door that he was too tired to listen to singing . Another woman just said no thanks and slammed the door - talk about Christmas cheer . Finally , we found two people who came out and walked across the street to where the kids were waiting . They were very appreciative of the kids and clapped for them . We gave up at this point and turned the kids loose on the plPosted by Ella has been on the verge of reading for months . She 'd read parts of pages then get frustrated and stop when she ran into too many words that she didn 't know . I understood what she was doing ; I do the same thing . It 's why I quit playing tennis . I 'd get so angry that I couldn 't hit perfect forehands each and every time , so angry that I wouldn 't want to play any more . She also memorized large passages of her favorite books - Cat in the Hat , One Fish Two Fish , Go Dog Go - and would recite them without looking at the page . She 'd " read " those books to Lily at bedtime , and Lily would be so thrilled that her sister was reading to her . But now , it 's all finally clicked . I realized it the other day when she was resting in our bed because she was home from school sick . She had a book in there with her , and I asked if she was reading or looking at pictures . She rolled her eyes and said in her best teenage voice , " I 'm reading , of course . " Later , I asked what story she had read and she told me all about it . It was clear that Ella really had read and comprehended the story . She has also started reading signs and postings , which catches me off guard . Yesterday in the car she started reading the names of stores and asking what they sold . And when I went to read her some instructions posted on the wall , she stopped me and said she could read them herself . I 'm beyond thrilled that Ella is reading and that so far she likes doing it . Reading is my favorite thing to do . I can 't go to sleep at night without spending some time reading in bed . I always have a stack of books next to the bed and one or two hidden in the covers . I changed Ella 's sheets the other day and found a stash of her books tucked away in her bed and was so proud - like mother , like daughter . For Christmas I got her a subscription to Spider magazine . It 's a kids ' publication with short stories and poems . Brandon refers to it as the New Yorker for the kindergarten set . I hope she likes having her own magazine arrive each month . I had my whole morning planned today , and nothing went according to my plan . I 've given up on running at the crack of dawn for the time being . Campbell 's sleep schedule just doesn 't fit with my getting up early . He wakes up to eat between 4 : 00 and 4 : 30 . I don 't want to go running that early , and I don 't want to go back to sleep only to wake up at 5 : 30 to run . I have to get Ella up at 6 : 40 , so I can 't go at 6 : 00ish . I 've been able to run at 9 : 15 , after I drop Lily off at preschool . Campbell usually falls asleep in the car on the way home , so I park him with Brandon and head out the door . That was my plan for the morning . But when I walked in , Brandon was on his way out to a meeting . Sigh . So I figured I 'd take a nap while Campbell slept . He 's been waking up a lot at night , and I could use an hour or two of shut - eye . Instead , Campbell woke up and wanted to play . I was really frustrated for a few minutes . But I stopped myself . I need to remember to enjoy these quiet mornings with Campbell . He 's our last baby , and I need to savor the little moments - like having him sit on my lap and talk to me . So instead of trying to get him to sleep , we chatted and played and laughed . After an hour or so , he conked out and I was able to nap . It turned out to be a good morning , even though it didn 't go according to my plans . It was another lesson that a change in plans can be a good thing . Three months to the day after Campbell was born , I ran my first post - baby race . I 'd like to say I raced it , but I didn 't . My goal was just to finish the 5K , which I did , just barely . It 's the farthest I 've run since the Daisy 5K on Mother 's Day . I think I ran that race faster , despite being 5 months ' pregnant . Right after that race I started having really bad ligament pain , so I switched to walking . Then a month after that , I went on partial bed rest and couldn 't even walk . So I really went months and months without doing anything , let alone running . I guess I should be glad I was at least able to run today . The best part of the day was running the kids ' K with Ella . At the Mother 's Day race , I ran with Lily while Ella ran by herself . This time Brandon ran with Lily so that I could run with Ella . We held hands for most of the race , and she finished with a huge grin on her face as we came through the cheering crowds . I finished with tears in my eyes - I was so proud of her and so happy to be out running with my girl . I 've looked forward to doing that since she was born . Lily and Brandon finished a few minutes after us . Brandon said Lily loved every minute of the crowd cheering for her . I hope to have many more great runs with them and Campbell . I 've accpeted the job . It turned out to not be as time - intensive or as lucrative as I thought it would be . But I negotiated an extra $ 1100 out of the editor , and the schedule will allow me to take on other projects if I feel like it . Also , they 'll pay me in installments through the year , so I won 't have to wait until next December , the final due date , to get my money . While I 'm a bit disappointed in the pay , I am viewing this as a good opportunity . With any luck it will lead to further projects with this editorial group , which would be a good thing . I like the lead editor in the group and wouldn 't mind working with her more in the future . It 's also a bit of a relief to hear that the work won 't consume as much of my time as I thought . I like having mornings where I don 't have to rush back the house and go straight to the computer . There are days when I want to go have coffee with friends or run errands or get a pedicure without feeling guilty for not working . And then there are the times when I just want to sit on the sofa with Campbell asleep in my lap and enjoy watching my little boy . Even though I won 't be working as much or earning as much as I thought , I 'm still keeping the cleaning lady ! I just won 't hire her to do the laundry . So , I think I 've just accepted a job . I gave the editor a strong tentative yes . She 's pulling together the financial aspects and writing contracts . I 'd be a freelance project manager on a huge multi - media grammar component that is being marketed to schools to help teachers teach grammar to students who are struggling with it . In many cases , these students are not native English speakers . As project manager , I 'd be assigning components to other freelancers , keeping track of all the pieces , reviewing work submitted , etc . I 'd still be working from home , and it would still just be part - time . I 'm very flattered that they asked me . They have a whole stable of freelancers there , and it seems like I 'm the first one they approached to take this on . I worked on one large component of the project , and when I submitted my final version I asked the project manager if there was any more work coming down the pike . Next thing I know , I get this offer . The editor who offered it told me that they wanted to catch me quickly , before I looked elsewhere for work . I wouldn 't start work until after the holidays , which is a good thing . And they 're aware that there will be a period when I 'm still feeling my way and figuring out what I 'm doing . I 'm glad they 're not expecting me to jump in and have a handle on everything right away . The only question I have is whether I 'll be able to balance this part - time job along with my full - time job of husband , three kids , house and volunteer work . It could be tricky . One thing I 'll do , though , is keep the cleaning lady . I was getting ready to cut her back to every other week . But if I accpet this , she 's coming once a week for sure . Brandon said I could even hire her to do the laundry for me ! I know that " How the Grinch Stole Christmas " is required holiday viewing , but last night I remembered that I just don 't like the movie version . I 'm fine reading the story to the kids or hearing it read , but please don 't make me watch it . Why ? Max the dog . I always feel so sorry for him . He 's such a happy little guy , ready to ride on the Grinch 's sleigh . But instead , the Grinch is so horrible to him - making him wear the horn on his head , making him pull the huge , present - laden sleigh . I remember crying about poor Max when I was a kid . Last night I watched the movie with the girls , and again , I got upset about Max . It ruins the whole movie for me . I know the story has a happy ending and Max gets a slice of roast beast , but it just doesn 't matter . It occured to me that I ready don 't like any of the Christmas kid shows . We recorded Rudolph , Frosty and Frosty returns for the girls , and I let them watch the shows this weekend . Blech . Ella , like me as a child , was scared silly by the Abominable Snowman in Rudolph . She didn 't care that in the end he just wanted a job . I don 't care either . They shouldn 't put such creatures in holiday movies for kids . I think " It 's a Wonderful Life " is awful , as is " Miracle on 34th Street . " I don 't care how cute Natalie Wood is in it . So what holiday movies do I like ? I can only think of a few . One is " Holiday Inn " with Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire . At least I think that 's what it 's called . The " Charlie Brown Christmas " is acceptable , as is " The Christmas Story . " In fact , " The Christmas Story " is the only one of the holiday movies that I really enjoy watching . Poor Ralphie in his bunny suit . I 'm trying not to prejudice the kids with my feelings about the holiday shows , but it 's hard . But did tell Ella I agreed with her that the Snowman was scary . Bah humbug . David Foster Wallace has a book of essays titled " Another Supposedly Fun Thing I 'll Never Do Again . " I love the title , even if I didn 't much like the book . I 've started dividing my life 's experiences into categories like that . Sunday 's events definitely qualified as something that was supposed to be fun but wasn 't . Liz and I made plans to take our girls to see the Nutcracker . The tickets were pretty expensive , so I explained to the girls that this was one of their Christmas presents . I ordered them new dresses from Hannah Andersson and bought them cute tights to match . I was really looking forward to a nice afternoon with just us girls - they desperately needed some time with me . Brandon was going to stay home with Campbell and put up more Christmas lights . Everything was all set . Then Brandon found out he had to work on Sunday . The clients he had been shopping on Saturday couldn 't make up their minds and wanted to see more houses . Such is the nature of his business , and ordinarily it wouldn 't have been that big of a deal . But we were both disappointed and frustrated by it this time . I considered calling in a sitter or a grandmother for Campbell , but I had pitched a big fit the night before in front of Brandon 's mother about how everyone needed to leave me alone about not being ready to leave Campbell with anyone other than Brandon just yet . I figured that after having a tantrum , I couldn 't then call his mother . So I dressed the girls in their new dresses and Campbell in his best outfit and hoped that all would go well . It mostly did , but only because Liz was there to help . I was pretty frazzled by the time we even got to the concert hall . We were supposed to wait and meet Liz and Ava in the lobby , but I couldn 't handle keeping track of both girls in the crush of people , and it seemed that everywhere we stood was in someone 's way , so we found our seats and settled in . Of course , as soon as we sat down , Lily decided she was dying of thirst . So I took her out to the lobby , leaving Ella behind . Campbell had been asleep Posted by Sometimes it 's easy for me to forget that Ella is still a little kid . These days she seems more like a short teenager - all legs and attitude . She 's already mastered the eye roll , long sigh and drawn out " mo - om . " Yesterday I got a good reminder that she really is just six . We went to a birthday party for one of our little friends , and " Cinderella " was there . She was a good Cinderella ; she had the fancy dress , glass slippers , elbow gloves , etc . Ella was absolutely entranced by her . When Cinderella was telling the kids stories , Ella was on her knees right in front of her , eyes wide open . Ella has never liked getting her face painted , but when Cinderella offered to do it , Ella was there in line with the other kids . And the highlight of the morning for her was when Cinderella gave Ella a bead necklace . After Cinderella had rolled off in her Honda ( the coach must have been in the shop ) , Ella asked if we could invite Cinderella to her next birthday party . That 's when it really hit me - Ella didn 't get at all that Cinderella was an actress our friends had hired to work at the birthday party . She thought Cinderella was REAL and that she was there like any of the other birthday guests . I am so glad that Ella bought in to the magic and pretend of the party . Kids seem to grow up quickly and so it was reassuring to see that she still believes in princesses and fairy tales - even if I don 't like the messages that most of the fairy tales carry . I told her that we might invite Cinderella for her next birthday . She usually runs through at least a dozen birthday ideas each year , so I know she won 't stick with this one for long . But seeing the delight in her face yesterday makes me want to consider it . My older daughter is becoming even more of a drama queen than she has been . We 've been having some behavioral issues lately , and she 's decided that she needs to let me know how she feels , in writing . Before she could write , she 'd scoot notes out into the hall when she was in time out . The note would be a picture of me with a circle around it and a line through it . Then when she learned how to spell " Mama " she 'd send out a note with a line through the word . Now the notes are far more entertaining . A few weeks ago , I packed her off to time out for being rude . She sent a paper airplane out into the hall . The note on it said , " Dear Mama , I dot like you . Love Ella . " My comment was that at least she still loved me . Last week she sent out a note that had a picture of me with fangs and the caption " Big Mama , Bad Mama . " I have it saved so that I can pull it out and embarass her later . This morning , after I told her she had to go to her room as soon as she got home from school for being rude , she wrote me a note that said , " You don 't like me do you ? " I told her that I loved her too much to allow her to behave so badly . She didn 't like that answer at all . I was relieved to find out that it 's not just her . One of her best friends , who is the sweetest , most polite little girl I 've ever met , has been giving her parents similar problems . Ella has been talking back to us , stomping her feet when she 's mad , slamming doors , and sticking out her tongue without opening her mouth ( I have a hard time not laughing when she does it ) . I 'm amazed that she does all these things . I would have never dreamed of mouthing off or sticking out my tongue at my mother when I was Ella 's age . I would have sooner played in traffic - the risk of death would have been less . So now I 'm stumped - how do I get her to snap out of this phase and how do I react to all the little notes she leaves us . Any suggestions ? I 've always wanted a red - haired baby and a thumb - sucking baby . My mom , her sister , and her brother all have red or redish hair . And my great - grandfather on my dad 's side had a red moustache , so red hair does run in the family . Unfortunately , none of the kids or grandkids have ended up with red hair . But I think I finally have my thumbsucker . I should preface this by saying that I sucked my thumb until I was eight , when my father made me wear a sock on my hand to break the habit . Little did he know that I just sucked my thumb in bed at night when he couldn 't see me . My mom , to give me a retort for those who teased me , taped a copy of Shel Silverstein 's poem about thumbsucking on the inside of my lunchbox . It was the first poem I ever knew by heart : Oh the thumbsucker 's thumb may be wrinkled and wetand withered as white as the snowbut the taste of the thumbis the sweetest taste yetas only we thumbsuckers know . Ella used a pacifier until she was three , when the " pacifairy " came and took all of her pacifiers to give them to new babies and left a big , blue bicycle in their place . I tried to get Lily to use a pacifier , but she was never interested . She 's always had her lovies - cloth diapers with bright fabrics sewn on . The nice thing with her is that in a pinch , a dishtowel or washcloth will work as well as a lovie . When Campbell was about two weeks old , I gave him a pacifier , and he took to it right away . Brandon protested strongly . He didn 't want to go down the same path we had with Ella . But then one night , when he was in charge of the baby , he gave in and popped one in Campbell 's mouth . Now , Campbell 's interest in them is sporadic . Sometimes he 'll use one , but most of the time he won 't . Instead , he 's spent much of the past two weeks trying to get a thumb in his mouth , and I 've been encouraging his efforts . He started out by holding both hands straight out in front of his face and concentrating on them . Suddenly one would move , and he 'd pop himself in the forehead . He 'd do this over , and over , and over again . Slowly , hiPosted by One of the neat things about growing up and getting out in the world is that you get to find out just how strange your family is . You realize that things you thought were perfectly normal aren 't . For example , I get the oddest looks from people when I tell them about our Christmas traditions . Throughout my childhood , it was our tradition to hang our Santa letters outside on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend . We 'd hang them from a light fixture outside with a piece of bread . Mom and Dad told us that Santa 's elves fly around in his magic sleigh on that night collecting all the letters for Santa . The bread is for their snack . The next morning , we 'd get up and discover that the letters were gone and that someone had taken a big bite out of the bread . I did this every year , even after I knew the " truth " about Santa ; I remember hanging out my list as a high school student . I remember very clearly the first time I told someone about this and got the " you did what ? " look from them - it was in college . My roommate then asked why we didn 't just go to the mall and tell Santa what we wanted like every other kid in this country . I don 't think mom and dad EVER took us to the mall to see Santa . It wasn 't until I spent my first Christmas with Brandon 's family that I realized that in most houses , Santa doesn 't leave wrapped presents . I walked in to his parents ' living room and saw a pile of unwrapped loot for me and thought , " Hey , who opened my stuff ? " When I said something to Brandon , he informed me that Santa doesn 't have time to wrap everyone 's presents . I 've asked a lot of people about this , and it turns out that most of them got unwrapped presents . Who knew . So now Brandon and I are started our own traditions for the kids . I had them write their letters and hang them outside with bread , but we told them that the elves fly around every Sunday night between Thanksiving and Christmas ( mostly because I forgot to have them write letters on Thanksgiving weekend ) , and Santa leaves presents that are wrapped . I am wishing , however , thPosted by I 'm struggling with getting back to running , not because of the running itself , but because I just can 't seem to find the time . Who would have thought that having three kids would limit my activities ? This morning , Campbell woke up a little after five , so I fed him thinking he 'd go back to sleep and I could go for a run . Wrong . The little monkey decided he wanted to play . So I hung out in the bed in his room , dozing while he ran in place next to me . I figured that he 'd fall asleep at some point , so I decided that as long as I made it out the door by 6 : 20 , I 'd have time to run before the girls got up . Didn 't work . Campbell fell asleep at 6 : 30 , and Ella woke up at 6 : 40 . I got dressed for running , hoping Campbell would stay asleep after Ella headed off to school . I can leave Lily watching cartoons even if Brandon 's still asleep . Unfortunately , Campbell woke up at 7 : 45 . At 8 : 00 , I took him in our room in his bouncy seat and plunked him next to the bed and told Brandon he was in charge . I headed out before Brandon could protest . I had my first solid run so far . I 'm still doing Gallow half - miles , but it 's the first time I haven 't been looking at my watch , waiting for my next walking break . I even ran past my four - minute mark twice . I ended up going longer than my goal of 20 minutes , and I finished with strides . I 've signed up for a 5k in three weeks , and this was the first time I 've felt like it 's possible I 'll survive the race . Progress is being made ! So here 's my day today - I woke up at 6 : 00 to feed Campbell , who had actually slept really well last night . Then I woke the girls up at 6 : 40 to get them ready for their day . This involves rushing them through breakfast , shoving them in their clothes and pinning them down to brush their hair . Actually , at this point , Ella 's the only one I HAVE to do this to because she goes to school first . This week it 's my turn to drive the car pool , so I settle Campbell in the bedroom with Brandon and turn cartoons on for Lily . This morning I drove Ella , Luke and Matilda to school ; it 's the first time I 've done all three . When I looked in the rear - view mirror it suddenly hit me that I 'm really a mom of a kindergartener . These are my kids , not someone else 's that I 'm just watching for a really long time . When I told Lisa R . about this epiphany , she just laughed at me . In addition to feeling like a mother , I also realized I was the epitome of the suburban housewife - my car is filled with juice boxes , books , baby wipes , and booster seats . And I 'm ok with that . I took Lily to school and then bolted to Central Market because we were out of everything - milk , bread , sugar , real food . I rushed home , unloaded the groceries and then headed back out , poor Campbell in tow yet again . I had promised to help chaperone Ella 's class field trip to Zilker Park . I got there early enough that I was able to walk a few laps of the 800 meter loop there . The hills are a lot harder when I do them with Campbell in his bjorn . I 'm feeling the results already . I had fun watching Ella and 80 other kindergarteners tear around like mad on the playground . Ella entertained the other parents with her antics on the monkey bars . Russell is having visions of Ella 's being a child - climbing prodigy with him as her guide . I joked that maybe she could be the youngest to summit El Capitan . After the field trip , I headed to Lily 's school to pick her up . Then we headed home for rest time . I actually managed to get an hour 's nap in before it was time to fetch Ella from after - scPosted by People keep asking me what life is like with three and how I manage . My answer to the second part of the question is the same as when I had two kids - I just do . I mean , I don 't have much of a choice , do I ? That 's not to say it 's easy juggling three kids , because it 's not . It takes far more planning and organization than comes naturally to me . I 've had to become a stickler about certain things to make life easier . For example , every afternoon after we do homework , Ella has to put her daily folder and homework notebook in her backpack and her backpack next to the front door . I learned very early in the school year that this little step saved us lots of running around and yelling first thing in the morning . Also , when she takes her shoes off , they have to go in the basket in her closet . Otherwise , we have to launch a house - wide search for the shoes just as we 're trying to leave in the morning . I 'm also making Lily be more responsible for her own things . She has to bring her lunchbox in from the car every day and put it on the kitchen counter . She also has to remember to bring her lovies with her in the car now ; I don 't automatically grab them for her . A few trips spent crying in the car taught Lily that she needed to bring them each morning . She 's also started clearing her own place at the table and putting her plate in the dishwasher . She likes to tell me what a good helper she is . I 've also started carrying a huge diaper bag and keeping all of my stuff - wallet , checkbook , phone , etc - in it so that everything 's in one place . I 'm far more together than I ever have been . Although , I do keep forgetting to put in a new change of clothes for Campbell . He 's ridden home in just a diaper more than once in the past two weeks . As for what life is like with three kids , I can 't really say yet . Campbell 's a baby , not a kid . He 's so labor intensive right now that I can 't get an real feel for what my future will be . As for what 's like right now - noisy and busy . There are times when all three kids are crying ; that 's when I usuallyPosted by I 've been running consistently for the better part of 15 years , yet this morning 's run felt like the first time I 'd ever put on running shoes and gone a mile . I haven 't run since mid - June when my belly got too heavy for me . And I had to stop walking in mid - July because of contractions . So up until three weeks ago when I started walking several times a week , I haven 't done much in the way of exercise in about 4 months . Boy did I feel the lack of activity this morning . Much to my surprise , my legs didn 't give me any problems - I actually felt pretty strong . I guess lugging around a 13 - pound baby on my walks helps with strength training . My lungs , abs and stomach gave me the most trouble . It was cold and dry out , which made my lungs burn . I 'm now afraid I 'm headed for a bad episode of asthma . My abs hurt where the doctor sliced me open to deliver Campbell , and I 'm not sure what was up with my stomach ; maybe it was just in shock from the unfamiliar activity . I planned to run Gallow - miles - 9 minutes of running , 1 minute of walking - for 20 minutes . Instead , I switched to Gallow - half - miles . My friend Jennifer trained me to run very slowly at the beginning of runs , almost tip - toeing along , and I did that this morning . It worked ! If I had started out trying to run " strong , " I would have died and gotten frustrated . Instead , I tip - toed through my run and held the same pace . I even passed a woman who was running on the other side of the street . I did pretty well until minute 12 , when I tripped over an ant or something just as small and fell full - length on the pavement . My right knee and left should caught the brunt of the impact , as usual . My knee is scrubbed up pretty well , but my favorite Decker Challenge shirt saved my shoulder from too much road rash . I 'm just pretty sore . A woman out walking her dog helped me up and then complimented me on my shoes ( stupid Frees ) . I managed to finish running , despite my injuries . I didn 't have any umph left for strides , though - sorry Jen . While it was far from a successful run , it was myPosted by Actually , it was more like one of those days . Poor Campbell had his two - month check - up yesterday morning , which took two hours . The good news is that he 's thriving - he 's in the 90th percentile for weight . Neither of the girls was ever that big , not even Lily . The bad news is that he got four shots . The poor thing just screamed until he wore himself out . He slept for about 3 hours afterwards , tuckered out from the trauma I suppose . Everything was fine until about 2 : 00 when he started running a slight fever . I didn 't have any baby tylenol on hand , so Lisa brought some over , but it was expired . I decided to risk it out of desperation . He finally settled down and slept in his bouncy seat for an hour , which was good because Lily woke up from her nap in the guest bed in a puddle . I had to clean her up and strip all the sheets off the bed . Molly was over playing for a few hours , and Ella came out of her room at one point to tell me that Molly had had an accident . Time to get another child cleaned up . Brandon has really made a point in the last two months of being home for dinner and bedtime , but last night he had a client meeting that he had already rescheduled once , so I fed the girls soup and bread and butter for dinner and promised them cartoons if they did a good job eating . I turned on Pink Panther cartoons for them and gave Campbell a warm bath in the hopes of calming him down because he 'd been crying for much of the past hour . Not even carrying him in the baby bjorn had helped . He loved the bath and was content to sleep on my chest for about an hour . But then I had to get the girls ready for bed , and he woke up and started crying again . I managed to get the girls in bed and settled Campbell down successfully , so I worked for about an hour until the baby woke up again - crying . I spent much of the next two hours trying to calm him down . I finally took his temperature , and it was 101 . All of the baby books say to call the doctor immediately if an infant 's temperature goes over 100 . 4 , so I called the on - call pediatriciPosted by Ever since I left my full - time job at the AG 's office , I 've had something of a freelance career . Last year was a profitable one for me ; I earned almost as much working part - time as I did working full time , and I got to work at home in my pjs if I wanted to . Work this year has been a bit slower , and I haven 't been as diligent about pursuing more contracts . I didn 't look for work this spring because I was focussed on Danskin . Then I was put on partial bed rest and didn 't feel like working . Two weeks ago I started feeling I was ready to get back to freelancing and sent feelers to two editors at Holt . In the past , it 's taken a few weeks - even months - for work projects to get rolling there . So I figured that I could send out the inquiries and then still have some time to recover from childbirth before I started working . Instead , I got an immediate contract offer , which I accepted . I started working on the project this weekend , fitting it in around demands from three kids and a husband . It was a bit of a struggle , but I 'll get used to working again , I 'm sure . One friend asked why I felt the need to take on work right now , and I couldn 't come up with a real answer other than my compulsive need to do too much . But her question got me thinking about why I feel the need to work . One reason is that I 've had a paying job of some sort since I was 16 years old , and it feels wrong to me to not have one - like I 'm a slacker . Also , I like to contribute financially to the household . I know intellectually that taking care of three kids , keeping track of my husband and managing a house are huge contributions to our family , but I feel less guilty about spending money if I 'm bringing some in . For the record , Brandon has never once pushed me to take on work - this is all my doing . One other thing I struggle with is my identity as a stay - at - home mom . I 'm glad I made the choice to stay home with our kids , and I 'm grateful that I 'm able to . But I like to be able to say that I 'm a MOM and a freelancer ; mom always comes first . The intellectualPosted by Ella had the day off of school yesterday . It was a combination teachers ' work day / Veteran 's Day holiday . I made lots of plans to have it be a special day for her . She 's definitely gotten the short end of the one - on - one attention now that Campbell 's here , and I wanted to have some special time with her . We started the day by taking Lily to preschool and saying Hi to Ella 's teacher from last year . Then we met some of her preschool friends at a nearby park for a playdate . After that , we went with the girls and their mothers to lunch . All the girls got to sit at their own table at the restaurant , which made them feel very big . When we left lunch , Ella and I , with Campbell in tow , went to our favorite toy store to buy refills for her sticker maker . Unfortunately , they were out . Then we went to James Avery to have two charms that she got for her birthday put on her charm bracelet . After we picked up Lily we all went to Amy 's Ice Cream for a treat . Then all hell broke loose . I had to take Ella for her six - year check - up . Ella has never liked our pediatrician , I don 't know why . She refuses to talk to him or even look at him . And even trying to get her to open her mouth for him is a nightmare . Once , when she had strep , it took me and the nurse to hold her down while he pried open her mouth to take a look at her throat . He decided not to even bother with a throat culture because of how traumatic just looking at it was . Before we went to the doctor 's , Ella and I discussed her behavior . I told her that if she didn 't cooperate with the doctor and open her mouth when he asked , she 'd go to her room when we got home . She still chose not to cooperate . I had to pry her off my leg so that the doctor could weigh and measure her . And when it was time for her actual exam , she sat glued to me on a chair rather than on the exam table . As with previous check - ups , she refused to open her mouth . Lily , however , opened her mouth for the doctor , even though she wasn 't there for a check - up . She likes our doctor and chatters away to him at her appoPosted by First , here 's a picture Lily drew of Ella . I think it 's wonderfully silly . I write a lot about Ella , but not as much about Lily . I 'm just not even sure where to start with her . When she was little , we called Lily the " angel baby " because she was so sweet and even tempered . About six months ago the angel baby disappeared . It now seems that she spent the first three years of her life watching Ella and figuring out how to drive her insane . She can get Ella going so fast it 's amazing . Lily can whistle , but Ella can 't , which frustrates Ella to no end . So Lily will sit at the kitchen table with Ella and just start whistling . Ella will put up with it for a few minutes before getting upset that Lily is showing off by doing something she can 't . Lily will also sing songs that she knows Ella doesn 't like just to get her riled up . And it doesn 't matter how much we tell Ella to ignore her sister , she still lets Lily get to her . My mom calls Lily the " stealth child " because she looks so sweet , even while doing something she knows she souldn 't be . She has those big blue eyes and the little rosebud mouth . She 'll give you the biggest smile in the world while swiping the cookie out of your hand . After one particular incident , mom said that she never would have believed Lily capable of such a thing if she hadn 't been there to witness it . I realized recently that I 've let Lily get away with a lot because a . she 's been the baby of the family for so long , and b . because she just looks too sweet to do anything mischievious . We 're having battles these days as we sort things out and work on changing some of her little habits - like spitting at her sister when she 's mad . We 've always said that Ella is a born negotiator . When we tell her she can 't do something , she 'll immediately say , " How about we do xyz instead ? " I spend a lot of time just saying no over and over . Lily is the very opposite . I 'll tell her she needs to do something , and she 'll just tell me no . So then I end up saying , " How about doing xyz instead ? " to which she just says no . Posted by Women say that they have strange dreams when they 're pregnant . I have them after having the baby . I 've had some doozies in the past few weeks ; some have been really upsetting . There was the one where I dropped my friend Megan 's baby on the floor . I can still hear the thunk . I picked Andrew up , dusted him off and took him to his mom and didn 't tell her what happened . I woke up so upset - I was afraid that something would be wrong with Andrew as a result of the fall and Megan wouldn 't know what had happened . It took a good while after I woke up to remember that it was just a dream and that I hadn 't really dropped the baby and nothing was wrong . Last night I dreamt that I was giving Campbell a bath in the washing machine - delicate cycle of course . I even opened the lid of the washer to check on him - he was just bobbing around in there . Fortunately I pulled him out before the spin cycle . Someone asked me why I bathed him that way and I responded that it was how I had given all my babies their baths . I think it 's the sleep deprivation that 's causing these dreams , and I 'll be glad when they stop . I 'm ready to be finished waking up upset from dreams . Two years ago I had such high hopes in the days before the election , only to have them dashed . As I told two friends , it was so bad that not even Jon Stewart could make the outcome funny . In the two years since the election , things have just gotten worse - the nation is further in debt , the situation in Iraq has grown even more deadly , we 've lost our good standing around the world , the envirionment 's a wreck , New Orleans is gone , and our civil liberties have been eroded . Bush and company have come close to destroying our country and several others to boot . I really want to believe that tomorrow 's election will be better , that the Democrats will take control of at least the House . But I 'm too afraid to get my hopes up . What worries me is that there are people in this country who still support Bush and think he 's doing a good job . There may just enough of them out there to ruin things for us . Closer to home , I 'm sure we 'll end up with another four years of Governor Perry barely leading the state . It was nice to think that Kinky Friedman could get elected - I signed the petition to get him on the ballot - but now it 's obvious he 'll be lucky to come in third . At least it 's not likely that Carole Keaton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn will win . I couldn 't take four years of listening to her screech and call herself " Grandma . " Unfortunately , I don 't think Bell can pull it off , and we 'll continue to have a state entirely controlled by republicans . Maybe I 'll be happier at this time tomorrow night , but to quote Eeyore , " I doubt it . " My problem , if you can call it that , is that I love babies - love , love , love them . I love them despite being sleep deprived and covered in spit - up . There 's just something so wonderful and miraculous about babies . I 've been reminding myself to really treasure this time with Campbell . He 's our last baby , so I don 't want to miss anything . With the girls , I used to read while nursing them ; with Campbell I study his little face and watch his little fingers and toes move around . Yesterday he gave me his first milky smile while eating , and I just about cried . I sit and hold him long after he 's fallen asleep just so I can snuggle with him and feel him breathing . I love watching his face while he sleeps ; he runs through so many expressions - happy , concerned , sad - in about 60 seconds . I have an aunt and uncle who have 8 children , and until I started having kids , I never understood how someone could have that many . But now I do . If we had the money and the space , I 'd definitely have more children . I 've decided that Nordstrom is the best store in the world . Granted , they don 't have a lot of clothes I 'd wear , and the children 's department is tiny , but they do have several things going for them . First , the women 's bathroom . It has a nice little area for moms to sit in and feed their babies and a very clean diaper - changing area . I was in there today with a hungry baby and was able to sit in a comfy chair in a quiet room and feed Campbell - it was far better than sitting in the car and feeding him . The second thing is the shoe department . I used to say I wasn 't a shoe person , but now I realize I always have been . In the past though , my love of shoes was purely for running shoes . I always had five or six pairs stashed in the closet . Now , however , I 've discovered there are far more interesting shoes to spend my money on . Every time I go to Nordstrom I fall in love with a new pair . Several months ago , I saw a pair of pink Dansko clogs that I just drooled over . I decided to wait a while before buying them . I went in today to get them , but the pink shoes weren 't on display . I decided to try on the green ones instead . The saleman came out with the bad news that he didn 't have the green clogs in my size , and then he opened a box with the PINK ones and asked if those were OK instead . I did a little happy dance . The kids ' shoe department is also excellent , if expensive . I have a hard time paying a ton of money for shoes the girls are going to outgrow or destroy in a matter of months . But when they have shoe sales for kids , they really have sales . The last reason that Nordstrom is the best store is the staff . I 've never dealt with a rude or snobby or unhelpful person there . It 's nice to go to a store where I know I 'll get good service ; it 's so rare these days . So there it is , my blatant plug for Nordstrom . Ella really surprises me sometimes , and makes me worry about what we 're in for when she 's a teenager . A few weeks ago , she had been acting up at the dinner table , so I excused her and sent her off to her room . Later , as I was folding sheets in the guest room , I called her in for a chat . I asked her what she wanted to talk about . Her response was that she wanted to talk about Lily and Campbell and how I was driving her nuts . I asked her to be more specific , and she said , " Mama , I know you 're just trying to make this be about my behavior . " I just about dropped my teeth in surprise . Of course that 's what I was doing , but how did she figure it out ? Most mornings , she refuses to drink her juice or milk at breakfast , saying she 's not thirsty . I worry that she 's going to be dehydrated and try to force the issue , usually unsuccessfully . This morning , I gave the girls chocolate milk , hoping that the rare treat would inspire Ella to actually drink . She came around the corner after she finished breakfast and informed me that she hadn 't drunk all of her chocolate milk because she knew that I gave it to her just to get her to drink something . She figured me out AND was willing to not drink all of her milk just to prove the point . Unbelievable . When we went to our parent - teacher conference a few weeks ago , we told her teacher a few of these stories just to give her some insight into what she 's dealing with . Her response was that she couldn 't wait to see Ella as a teenager . You 'd be amazed at how many people say just that . On another track , the girls have been bickering a lot lately , and I know it 's a result of the new family dynamics , so I try not to interfere or referee too much . Yesterday afternoon Ella came in to my room to report that Lily had hit her in the stomach ( Lily likes to hit and we haven 't figured out a way to stop it yet ) . Lily was trotting right along behind Ella , so I asked why she had hit her sister . She quite cheerfully informed me that she did it because Ella had licked her . I nearly burst out laughing . I thenPosted by I 'm really having to change my expectations for returning to running . My first goal of running a 5K six weeks after Campbell was born went out the window when I had the c - section . There was no way I was going to recover fast enough . Now I feel like I could go run , but I just can 't find the time or energy . Campbell is just now sleeping for four or five hours at a stretch at night . Unfortunately , his long stretch usually starts at 7 : 00 , which doesn 't do me any good . And his sleep isn 't consistent enough for me to leave him in the mornings to go run at 5 : 30 or 6 : 00 . Brandon is great at handling the late shifts , but asking him to do anything that early in the morning is just pointless . Part of my problem is that I 'm pretty tough on myself about things like this . I look at other runner friends who have had c - sections and compare my recovery and running to theirs , and I don 't measure up . I expect that I should be able to do what they did , and I get frustrated when I don 't meet my own expectations . I have to remember that I 'm the only one setting deadlines and I 'm the only one keeping track of what I do or don 't do running - wise . This is not a competition to see who can recover the fastest . Running will always be there , and I 'll get back to it someday soon when Campbell is sleeping more and I get more rest . I just need to ease up and cut myself some slack - which is easier said than done . Well here I am , starting an " official blog " instead of just posting on my own Web site . I think this will be easier than coding and ftping and fighting with my html editor . And maybe I 'll be more consistant in my postings now . |
' I heaved and strained , my body wouldn 't move an inch . Those pressed tight around me were heavy , some were unconscious . I began to float away , taking in the final seconds of my life ' ' I heaved and strained , my body wouldn 't move an inch . Those pressed tight around me were heavy , some were unconscious . I began to float away , taking in the final seconds of my life ' On Saturday 15 April 1989 , eight of us set off from Nottingham for Sheffield under a beautiful blue sky . Liverpool were playing Nottingham Forest in an FA Cup semi - final at Hillsborough , and our two cars - one carrying four Forest fans , one four Liverpool fans - made short work of the motorway . We had made a loose arrangement to meet up after the game ( no mobiles back then ) , but when our driver parked the car a mile or so from Hillsborough , we realised we 'd come in at the west end of the ground , behind the Leppings Lane stand - the Liverpool end . I 'd been a Liverpool fan since I was six years old . I went to my first cup final at 16 , and had my first season ticket on the Kop before I 'd left school . But in 1988 - 89 , aged 19 and in my gap year , I couldn 't afford one . Two weeks before the semi - final , the phone went . My brother , a Forest season ticket holder , had a spare . " It 's for the Forest end , mate , " he said . " Come and educate yourself . " Now , as we approached the stadium on Leppings Lane , we split up - I 'd only met the other three lads for the first time that day - and I set off for the Forest end . The residential streets around the stadium were barricaded at each end , so I approached two policemen and asked how to get round the ground . " You don 't , " they said . I moved on to the next street , where a senior officer , wearing a flat hat , was talking to a constable . I asked again . " You a Liverpool fan ? You 're not going up the Forest end . Forget it . " They turned away . I hid any trace of my colours and gave it one last try . Fifty yards on stood another senior officer . He stopped me before I got within five yards of him . " I 've just seen you , " he said . " You 've already spoken to four of my men and I know what they 've told you . " He pointed at the entrance to the Leppings Lane stand . " Now get to that turnstile right on the end . The fella there is letting in fans with Forest tickets . " Strangely , I turned to walk away . That fella wasn 't going to let me in with a Forest ticket . But I hadn 't walked a few steps before the policeman shouted at me . I 'll never forget his words : " This is your last chance , " he said . It wasn 't an offer . Two minutes later , I was through the turnstile . As I made my way towards the tunnel that led to the terrace behind the goal , I didn 't dare look back . I couldn 't believe my luck . It was 2 . 15pm when I walked into pen 3 on the Leppings Lane and took up a spot just to the right of Bruce Grobbelaar 's goal , about 10ft from the perimeter fence . I had travelled to matches alone since I was 15 , and today , as always , I made for the liveliest spot , right among the choir and the comedians . For 10 minutes I stood in the sun , taking in the sight of a big old stadium slowly filling up on FA Cup semi - final day , leaning idly on one of the crash barriers that stood like staples on the terraces to limit a crowd surge . By 2 . 30pm it was getting strangely uncomfortable . Looking around , I could see that fans older and clearly more seasoned than me were getting edgy . I shrugged two people off my back and pushed my way under the crush barrier , so that it was now behind me , and not on my chest . Ten minutes later , it would have been too late . By then , 20 minutes before kick - off , the crowd around me was wheezing and sweating and settling slowly , grudgingly , like cement . I had been in tight crowds before , but this was different . A silence was falling over the people around me . Some were hyperventilating , others were fainting . I was starting to panic now , but I was stuck . The pressure was tightening like a vice . My eyes began searching for police , or stewards , but no one was coming . Slowly , my legs , my backside , my arms and finally my chest went numb . One ear was folded in against my cheekbone by the head of a man to my right . I could move my head , my eyes and my mouth , and no more . My right foot seemed to move involuntarily , until I realised it wasn 't on the ground but planted on the calf of a man in front of me . I had never felt anything like this before : not on the Kop , not at Wembley . And it was about to get worse . Behind me , Peter Carney , a 30 - year - old fan from Liverpool , was one of hundreds of people now being swept into the packed central pens from the concourse . " We were walking through the tunnel at about 10 to three when , whoosh , this surge came and I was off my feet , " he remembers . " I actually entered the That crush barrier was a few feet to my right , but I didn 't see it . Because the light was slowly closing around my head . By now I was gasping for breath , and worried that my neck wasn 't moving freely . Within feet of me people were standing dead , bolt upright . Three men had long stopped breathing and were now staring , with a fixed , almost disinterested expression , into the distance . Their faces were bleached white , but turning blue , their lips a cold violet . The only comfort I could find was that thousands of people who were still alive were now shouting for help , screaming , " There are people dead in here ! " There were CCTV cameras trained on us . And there were police just a few feet in front of the fence who must have realised that metal crush barriers in our pen were bursting out of the ground . Unbelievably , at 3pm , the match kicked off . I remember the roar of the crowd around the ground , and the stillness that followed in pen 3 as people gave up screaming for help to save the air in their lungs . By this time my lungs were burning and freezing with alternate breaths . I was paralysed from the neck down . Rival chants were bouncing the length of the ground , and I thought of my brother , watching from the opposite end of the stadium , where I should have been . Two police officers were sharing a joke , nervously , on the cinder track , 10ft away . No one was coming to help . Behind me , Peter Carney was about to have a near - death experience . " Whenever I see a fish come up to the surface , that 's how I must 've been , " he remembers . " My head was tilted back , gasping for air . Then I lost consciousness . The sky became white cloud , the white cloud became a tunnel shape , and I went down this tunnel . It was like looking down a pipe . It was never - ending . Then I 'm looking back at the pens , me in the middle of a perfect circle of people , and heads , and I 'm going down , and I 'm looking at the top of my head . " Eight feet or so in front of Peter , I was about to have my own moment of reckoning . I had been crushed on that terrace for over half an hour . I was exhausted , and stiff with shock . Incredibly , two people to my left had managed to climb above the crush , and were now crawling on all fours over the shoulders and heads of people around me , to the fence at the front . Unable to move , too exhausted now to shout , I wondered how they had managed to get out . And why it had been decided that I wouldn 't . It was then that I caught the eye of a policeman just the other side of the fence . It was an unmistakable , meaningful moment : because for four or five seconds , across the heads of scores of people , we looked each other in the eye . I lost him when I mouthed the words , " Help us . " He smiled to himself and shook his head at me , and walked on , a little uncertainly . At that point I thought : " We 've been left to die . " Many people already had . People bigger than me , smaller than me , and smarter than me were gone . Now it was my turn . Fifty seconds , my brain was telling me : you 've got 50 seconds left . I don 't know where the figure came from , but there wasn 't a moment of doubt in my mind : just a calm , orderly voice telling me to hurry up and take in the final minute of my life . As the seconds ticked down to 45 , 40 , 35 , my lungs began to falter . I screwed up every ounce of strength left in my body - to lever myself into the air , climb on to someone 's shoulders , escape . But as I heaved and strained , my body wouldn 't move an inch . Those pressed tight around me were heavy , some were unconscious ; others were gibbering , trying to black out what was happening . I counted down to 20 seconds , and then at 15 , or 14 , I gave up . At 10 seconds , nine , eight , I floated away for a moment , briefly euphoric . Then I settled into my body , opened my mouth towards the sky and sucked what I could out of it . And then I closed my eyes . Five seconds later , they opened . The sky was still blue . And the police had finally opened the gate in the fence and were swearing at us . And I had survived . The people on the Leppings Lane who didn 't survive were daughters , husbands , sisters , sons . The oldest victim was 67 , the youngest a 10 - year - old boy , the cousin of a then eight - year - old Steven Gerrard . Many of them died standing up , of traumatic asphyxia . Others , in their last moments , were borne across the pitch on advertising hoardings , towards ambulances that never came . Some of the dead had lost their footing in the crush and had been trampled . Others , unfortunate to be leaning against the crush barriers , were killed by a weight on their chest equivalent to a small car . In his interim report , Lord Justice Taylor concluded that the main cause of the disaster was overcrowding , and that the main reason was " a failure of police control " . As the police neglected to manage the build - up of fans on the streets outside the Leppings Lane stand , the senior officer , Chief Superintendent David Duckenfield , ordered a large concertina gate leading into the ground to be opened . More than 2 , 000 people moved through the gate and into the Leppings Lane terrace , straight for the two packed central pens behind the goal : no one thought to direct them to the two outer pens , which were lightly populated . Swept along a narrow tunnel by a growing swell from behind , the fans ploughed into pens 3 and 4 , unaware that their fellow supporters were being ground into the barriers , the fence , and each other . Written by Professor Phil Scraton , Hillsborough : The Truth is recognised as the definitive analysis of the disaster , and all that followed . Commenting on the updated edition , Scraton says : " Twenty years on , many bereaved families and survivors are remarkably resilient . Yet beneath the surface lies unimaginable grief , compounded by an overwhelming sense of injustice . Brought together by an avoidable tragedy , they were treated appallingly on the day , then betrayed by a flawed investigation , inadequate inquests and a criminal justice system that protected the authorities . All police statements were reviewed and , in many cases , altered by a team of senior officers . Anger is understandably directed towards those responsible , those who made deceitful allegations against fans , and those who perpetuate the myth of hooliganism . " That the very act of surviving a major tragedy changes people 's lives and personalities is obvious . But to what extent is not . Family and friends who knew me then and now will tell me I 'm the same person . I think they 're right , a few psychological bumps and bruises aside . After escaping through the gate in that fence , I carried two people across a football pitch to a gym that had become a mortuary . One was barely alive when , along with six or seven other fans , I picked him up off the grass and laid him on an advertising hoarding . By the time we had run the length of the left wing , he was dead . We went back for another : there was a row of bodies by the goal - line . Help yourself , the police seemed to be saying . We kicked another board over , but as it lay flat on the ground a policeman walked over and stood on it . " You can 't just vandalise the stadium , " he said . So we picked up this lad by his arms and legs . As we ran his big , heavy body along , bumping his head on the grass in the vain hope of reviving him , I gazed down at the little ring of blue marks now swelling round his belly , like a baby 's footprints . We stopped in the corner of the pitch , at a bottleneck by the football club 's gym . People were waiting for orders , ambulances , oxygen . There were dozens of fans there , holding the injured and the dead - on boards , by the arms and legs , in their arms . I stood there looking up for my brother , wondering how he was dealing with this . As we entered the gymnasium , there were medics going to work on people ; policemen and fans with their heads in their hands , priests administering the last rites . The man we were holding now was dead when we picked him up , but I found it hard to let go of his hand . Eventually his body , coated in a gelatinous sweat , slipped from my grasp and on to the shiny floor . A few bumps and bruises ? The truth is that I will never know if the person I am today , nearing middle age , was the man I was always likely to be - the result of my genes , my schooling , my childhood friendships - or whether I am thIt would take a psychologist to unlock parts of my mind that have been numb for 20 years , and some that I have surrendered . If in a sense I have come from Hillsborough , I am not prepared to go back . What I have long suspected is that , emotionally , the clock stopped at 19 . Since holding death at arm 's length I 've held the advancing years there , too . I was a mature teenager , but I haven 't grown up since at the same pace as my friends . I haven 't had kids . I won 't let my own youth go just yet . I will turn 40 next year , but to most people I seem to be around 30 . It wasn 't until many years later that I realised I 'd suffered post - traumatic stress disorder . It lasted for four years . I cried a lot , and randomly . I felt cold and angry , and empty . I 'd never felt like this before . At times I felt overjoyed to be alive . The next day , I might wake up feeling half - dead . I woke up one day on the kitchen floor , after blacking out . ( Get up , make a cup of tea , don 't tell Mum and Dad . ) I drank heavily , but socially , and verbally abused police officers in the street , and I spent two nights cooling off in a police cell , in the early 90s , for my troubles . ( Still haven 't told Mum and Dad . ) Then , strangely , one day it was over . Since then , since my mid - 20s , I have never begrudged Hillsborough its place in my life . If I had lost someone that day then I would feel differently . But it is such an integral part of my life , and I have to live with who I am . Perhaps the most important thing Hillsborough taught me is honesty . There is so much about 15 April 1989 that is wrong , and false , and dishonest , that survivors cling to what they know to be true . Lord Justice Taylor described the Liverpool fans ' reaction at Hillsborough as " magnificent " . But to experience something so terrible , to be accused of thieving and pissing on police officers when you were in the process of trying to save lives , or comforting people in their final moments , is an insult so deep in the psyche that honesty becomes the key not just to remembering but to anything that rThe only professional ambulance attendant to reach the Leppings Lane , Tony left the ambulance service in 1995 now lives on the Isle of Bute We were at the Northern General when we got a 3 - 9 call to an incident . They told us there was a fatality , but when we got to the ground there were ambulances from everywhere , even Derbyshire . As we pulled up a policeman came to my window and said : " You can 't go on the pitch , they 're still fighting . " A senior ambulance officer came to the door , and it was him who put the horns on . We said : " The policeman says they 're fighting - we can 't go on . " And he said : " I don 't give a fuck who 's told you you can 't go on . You get on that pitch and you don 't stop until you get to the end . " As we went along , the police were starting to form a wall across the pitch . We went through them and then saw people running towards us . As we got to the goal there was an absolute sea of people . I 'll never forget the sound . . . it was like a large swimming pool ; there was screaming and shouting , it was deafening . People were banging on the side of the ambulance , shouting " Help ! " and " Over here ! " I didn 't have a clue what was going on . We 'd been told there was one fatality , that was it . We had these walkie - talkie radios and we tried to see if there was anyone I could report to , but the radios were useless . I was being pulled in different directions , people were shouting for oxygen , all sorts of demands . And I thought : " I can 't help everybody . " I was looking back up the pitch for other ambulances , but nobody was coming . There were two girls on the grass , getting CPR . I decided to take one into the ambulance , but when I got back there were three bodies on board : one on the stretcher , and two piled on top of each other on the floor . There was a woman got into the vehicle doing mouth - to - mouth on a guy in the bulkhead . There was a young girl 's body with a guy bent over her trying CPR , but he was blowing vomit into her chest . I got the girl on the stretcher and then I looked down . . . and it wasn 't the girl I 'd wanted to take . This is the problem I 've lived with ever since . I asked again to be put in touch with ambulance control , but the radio wasn 't working . I went to get my oxygen mask and bag , but they were gone . I looked up the pitch again and no one was coming . And I said to the driver : " We 're gonna have to fuck off here , " and we asked a policeman to close the door . We weren 't doing any good . You 're used to having one casualty in the back , but there were too many bodies to deal with . We just didn 't do a very good job that day . We left people on that pitch who were being worked on , and there were no professionals there to help them . A few years later we attended an accident on the A1M . There are people alive today because of the treatment we gave them ; we were just so good , as a team . But we were never given the chance at Hillsborough . There were 44 ambulances waiting outside the stadium - that means 80 - odd staff could have been inside the ground . But they weren 't allowed in . There was no fighting ! The survivors were deciding who was the priority , who we should deal with . The police weren 't . We weren 't . Can you imagine a rail accident where all the ambulances wait on the embankment while the survivors bring the casualties up ? I took away the wrong people . I was the only professional ambulance attendant to reach the Leppings Lane , but I was written out of the disaster . I was given a commendation ( which I ripped up ) , and I represented the South Yorkshire ambulance service at the memorial service , but I wasn 't called to the Taylor inquiry . I didn 't exist . You look at the Taylor report - I didn 't exist . When I was interviewed by the West Midlands police I questioned the whole thing : why was I put in that position , you know ? They didn 't want that aired in court . I know I dealt with it wrong . I know that . But I should never have been put in that position . The Taylor inquiry was told my ambulance never got on to the pitch : it would 've contradicted evidence given in another case . But I was there , in the police CCTV videos . All these questions they would have had to ask me are key to the mismanagement of Hillsborough . If they had asked me , it would have been disastrous for the police and the ambulance services . Afterwards I blamed myself so much . I still do . I still get angry with myself , for not stopping and taking a deep breath , for not changing the course of things . I couldn 't deal with it afterwards . I ran marathons , triathlons . I took it out on my partner at the time . I went on holiday to Dallas in 1992 and I came back and I realised I wasn 't in control . I split up with my partner . But who 's to say I wouldn 't have done that anyway ? In the summer of 1995 we got a call to a suicide in Rotherham . Nothing unusual in a suicide . But he had a T - shirt , jeans and trainers on . That 's what almost everyone was wearing at Hillsborough , in that makeshift mortuary . I just went to pieces : I was hyperventilating , I could hear the screaming again . And I left , I went off sick that day , and I never returned to the ambulance service . By October I was living here , on Bute . My partner joined me and we 've been here ever since . I needed to get away , and this felt right straightaway . It was the turning point . People here know about Hillsborough , but they are very good - no one talks about it . I 've had two children since we 've been here , and I have two from my first marriage . For the first nine years I ran a bicycle repair shop , but I 've been a community recycling project manager since 2004 . We 're a social enterprise ; we employ people who 've had difficulties . We 've won awards , and people have come up from England to have a look at us . I 'm very busy , and it 's a very positive part of my life . It 's very therapeutic here . Everything here is positive . Michael was 32 when he went to Hillsborough . He was a steward at Anfield and had got into pen 3 at around 2 . 15pm . He leant on a crush barrier to read his programme and before he realised , he found he was trapped . The crush became so bad he began to pass out . Two lads in front of the barrier had a bit more room , and they kept slapping his face to keep him conscious . But the pain was too much , and he couldn 't breathe . The next thing he knew he woke up in the Northern General in Sheffield . The hospital phoned me at 6 . 30pm to say they had Michael . I said : " I had a feeling I was going to hear from you . " I just knew . I had been glued to the television , but my daughter , Sam , who was two at the time , kept saying : " I want to watch Thomas the Tank . . . Thomas the Tank , Mummy ! " I was going out of my mind . My brother 's wife drove us over the Pennines . The thing I remember most was all these half - empty coaches coming back . Michael had ended up hanging over this barrier . He severed the nerves in the top of his leg , which has left him partially disabled , and he suffered broken ribs - one of these fans had been hammering on his chest to revive him . He only found out what had happened three weeks later , when he went to the rearranged match at Old Trafford and bumped into these lads . One of them said : " Last time we saw you , you were dead ! " They had been giving him the kiss of life when a policeman came over and said : " You 're wasting your time , lads , leave him there with . . . " ( there was a line of bodies , you know ) . These lads got the fright of their lives when they saw Michael on his crutches , but they were overjoyed because their efforts hadn 't been in vain . Nine months later , there was a TV documentary about Hillsborough , and the camera zoomed down the tunnel and on to the terrace . Michael went into a trance , watching it ; he relived it all , there on the sofa . He was saying : " I can 't breathe , I can 't breathe , I 'm going to die ! " And he had stopped breathing . He was speaking , screaming , clutching his trousers . . . I witnessed what he 'd been through , but when he came round he couldn 't remember . It was about 18 months later that he learned his injuries were permanent . Michael had been a scaffolder , but although he gave it a good go he had to call it a day in 1990 . He hated not being able to work , and I had to work full - time as a legal secretary . He 's not on crutches any more , but he says it 's like having toothache in the top of his legs . We were assigned a family counsellor , and that helped , but Michael became a very selfish person . He began to go out a lot - he was out all the time - and he was drinking more than he had before . His excuse was that it was the only way he could sleep . He was frightened to go to sleep , and frightened that he might not wake up . Everyone loved him ; he was just an outgoing , good bloke . But he would never speak about the fact that he was left for dead . When he was having counselling I was sitting there thinking : " I 'm suffering too , you know . " Because he was shutting me out - there was no way of helping him , and that upset me a lot . Our second child , Ben , was born in 1991 , which was a lovely surprise , but Michael just couldn 't snap out of it . I was thinking : " If Hillsborough hadn 't happened , I 'd be really pissed off with you . " But it was like : " What will people think of me if things don 't work out ? It will be my fault . " I was burnt out trying to support him , and it became one - way support . He just wanted to go into his own world . The eldest knew by the time she was six or seven that Daddy had been through something terrible , and the kids began to dread Saturdays - match days . I began to sense things weren 't going to work out in about 1994 or 95 , but it took me two years to pluck up the courage to end it . We went to the pub and I said : " This isn 't working any more . " He looked quite relieved , actually . We split up , and then divorced in 1998 . He remarried in 1999 or 2000 . It 's only in the past 18 months I 've started to feel like I 'm my own person again . Sam is 22 now , and Ben 's 17 . None of us blames Michael for what happened , and we 're all still friends . The most important thing is that he 's alive . But I lost my husband at Hillsborough , and that gets overlooked . I 've found it hard to commit to a new relationship , but when you have kids you have to get on with things , and as a mother they come first . Peter was playing for Liverpool when the game was abandoned . He is now based in Newcastle , doing PR for Newcastle United and also working in the community Four minutes into the game I had a shot that hit the crossbar . Naturally , at the time I was disappointed . In hindsight , it was good that I didn 't score , because people outside the ground heard the roar when I hit the bar and tried even harder to get into the terraces . They were just excited ; they didn 't know what was happening at the front . If I had scored , the fans would 've been even more excited and more people could have been crushed . But as soon as I hit the bar I turned round , and from even way up the pitch I could see there was trouble behind the goal . There were people climbing over the fences . We didn 't have a clue what was going on . A policeman ran on to the pitch and told the referee to take the teams off . We sat in the dressing room , waiting . Graham Kelly , the chief executive of the FA , came in and told us he would get the game back on as soon as possible . He came in every 15 minutes or so and said that . We didn 't have a clue that people were losing their lives outside . But the dressing rooms backed on to a car park , and we could hear the sirens . There were players in that dressing room who had been at Heysel , so they were fearing the worst . We were still sat in our kit at 4 . 30pm . We didn 't know what had happened until we left the dressing room and met our families . I went to a funeral of one of the victims , in Burnley . The family were magnificent with me , but I found it really hard . I 'd only been to one funeral before that , but this one was for a teenage boy . I can go to funerals now , of young children who I 've met in hospital and who 've died . And as sad as it is , I can cope with it now . But I couldn 't then . It was terrible . The likes of John Barnes , Alan Hansen and Kenny Dalglish were better men than I was . They went to so many funerals . Kenny and his wife Marina went to over half of the funerals . They went to three in one day on more than one occasion . From the moment the disaster began , right to the end , Kenny was unbelievable . Many of the players feel that the reason Kenny left the club in 1991 was because mentally he 'd had enough . The whole Liverpool ethos changed when he left , in terms of the managers . It 's taken them a long time to get back in contention for the title . We had a two - week break from football after the disaster . We went and visited survivors in hospital , here , there and everywhere . But I couldn 't wait to get back on the field and play : it took my mind off things . Barnesy couldn 't face it for a while . We lost the league title decider to Arsenal a few weeks later . I wasn 't too bothered , to be honest . My wife Sandra had gone into labour and I went straight from the match to hospital . After what had happened at Hillsborough , people had lost children and I was just about to have one . Our son was born the next morning . Hillsborough made me realise how lucky I was . I was a fan myself in the 70s and 80s , watching Newcastle at St James 's Park , and I 'd been in some uncomfortable situations . It made me realise what the fans had to go through to follow the team . Meeting some of the families who lost their children that day made me realise that I was born lucky . No money in the world could buy the memories I have of playing for that team . I 'm just so relieved I didn 't score that day . I met Ian when I was 14 and he was 15 , and we married five years later . At the time of Hillsborough , we had two children , both under eight . Ian was a psychiatric nurse at a high - security hospital and I 'd just started a degree course in criminal justice . He went to the match with a group of workmates : some had seat tickets , but Ian and his best friend Joe were in the Leppings Lane . They had been swept into one of the pens behind the goal by the surge . It was so strong it carried them two - thirds of the way down the pen . Ian was right in front of Joe and they were squashed together . He could always feel Joe 's hands on his shoulder , and he kept up a discussion with him , saying : " We 'll get out this way . " When he got out of the pen Ian was still talking to Joe , and he could swear Joe was talking back . But at the inquest Ian was told this was impossible , because Joe was dead before Ian even got out of the pen . He couldn 't get over the fact that their conversations hadn 't happened . Ian got out through a hole in the fence and he assumed Joe was with him . He wasn 't . I didn 't hear from Ian until 9pm , when he called to say Joe was still missing . They 'd been to the mortuary at the stadium several times , and there were Polaroids of the people they had there . But Joe 's face was so contorted Ian couldn 't recognise him in the photo . It was a logo on his shirt they noticed , then they went to check the body , and it was Joe . He was very tall , which put him at a disadvantage : his chest had been damaged by the heads of so many people around him . Ian was diagnosed with post - traumatic stress disorder just a few weeks after . He wasn 't seriously injured , but he was a wreck . He was a man 's man and he said he didn 't need help , so he went straight back to work . Two weeks later he came home from his night shift , went upstairs and smashed the bathroom up . He wasn 't an aggressive person , but he couldn 't handle the emotions . Ian agreed to have counselling . Being a psychiatric nurse didn 't help him , because he didn 't want to be seen needing the support he was giving other people . He saw it as some kind of failure . He was prescribed Prozac , was on it for three months , and it helped . But he had a lot of nightmares . I thought he was through the worst , but Hillsborough was like a spectre . He never went to football after that : our son lost so much bonding time with his dad because he wouldn 't go to the game . About two or three weeks before Ian died , there was all this stuff about Kelvin MacKenzie being on Newsnight , and Ian got really angry . I didn 't realise just how much it bothered him . His sleep was being disturbed , but he was also worrying about his business . He gave up nursing 10 years after Hillsborough and he set up a computer company . For seven or eight years it went well , then it started going downhill . Ian died on the Tuesday . The weekend before , we 'd gone up to the Lake District and had a lovely time ; there was no hint of any anxiety . He said everything at work would be fine . On the Monday night he was a bit tetchy , a bit tired . In the morning I remember him getting up before the alarm and turning it off . I 'd just rolled over to where he 'd been sleeping , and I thought , " Ooh , I 'm glad he 's not coming back to bed , " because where he 'd been lying was lovely and warm . Ian got up and had a shower and put his work clothes on . He did everything he 'd normally do : he had a cup of tea , went into the garage and fed the rabbit . At about quarter to eight my daughter came up and asked me something and I said : " Oh , ask your dad , " and she said : " Dad 's gone , " and I said : " He hasn 't gone this early ; he hasn 't even said goodbye . " She said : " He has . He 's not downstairs . " So I came down and his van was still on the path . I called his mobile and it rang in the living room . We went out into the kitchen and the garage door had the key in , so my daughter ran out to the garage . And Ian had hanged himself in there . She started screaming . My daughter was barely a teenager . Luckily she didn 't see his face . Ian was on a small ladder ; he was still standing on it . At first she thought he was standing on it to reach something , so she started to talk to him , but then she noticed that he had something round his neck . When I went in I saw his face . Sometimes I feel angry , and I think : " Why didn 't you talk to me ? I could 've helped . " In the weeks after Ian 's death I felt that if my youngest hadn 't been there , I 'd have taken an overdose . Sometimes I think he didn 't mean to do it ; it was a cry for help . Then I just think : " He 'd gone into the garage to feed the rabbit and thought : ' I can 't go back , I 've had enough , ' and he snapped . He 'd seen a way out . " Ian was never the same after Hillsborough . He was like a coiled spring . The least thing , he would get worked up . He was always on edge . He 's been gone two years now . We had his funeral in the church we got married in , and it was lovely , really comforting . But his death has made us all a lot more insecure . I do have faith , and I have to believe there 's an afterlife . There 's just nothing that 's worth taking your life for . Nothing will ever be the same again . All names have been changed . I didn 't go out to take the system on . I just wanted to find out what happened to Kevin . But the jury at the inquest never heard the true story of how my son died . He would 've been 16 in May 1989 , and he 'd been working really hard for his GCSEs . He was due to go to the match with his friend Andrew and Andrew 's dad . But the night before , Kevin told us Andrew 's dad had to work , so he couldn 't take them . Steve , Kevin 's stepdad , said : " Well , you can 't go . " Kevin went upstairs looking so sad . Steve said : " Poor little bugger , all he does is study . Shall we let him go ? " And I said yes . We never got a call to say Kevin was missing . There was a young lad up the road , Stuart , who 'd gone to the match , too , and his mum had just heard that Stuart was dead when I called in on her . She was in floods of tears , but she said : " Don 't worry , Anne , Kevin will be OK . " I phoned the hospital in Sheffield , and eventually I got through to the mortuary at the ground . And I said to this guy : " Can you look for a little boy with a horn of life around his neck ? " He said : " You best stay where you are , the police are coming round . " I put the phone down and said to my mum : " I know why the police are coming . " Kevin had been pulled out of the crush in pen 3 , but he died not long afterwards . When we got to Sheffield we weren 't allowed to touch him . He was behind a pane of glass : " Property of the coroner " . When the coroner finally released his body I was really excited , it was like : " Kevin 's coming home ! " He was in his little coffin , but he looked lovely . He was just Kevin . At the inquest in March 1991 , the coroner ruled that everyone who 'd been killed at Hillsborough had died of traumatic asphyxia , and that they were all dead or brain dead by 3 . 15pm . This ruling was crucial , because it meant there could be no investigation into the actions of the South Yorkshire police after this time . Questions like why were over 40 ambulances not allowed into the ground , and why did the police not activate the major accident plan until 3 . 55pm couldn 't be examined Kevin 's case is now being heard in the European Court of Human Rights , under Article 2 , the right to life . Kevin died in the hands of the state , and it 's his right to a thorough investigation into how he died . We 've also gone under Article 6 , the right to a fair trial . My solicitor has told me that if they rule in my favour , we 'll get that inquest . That would open 3 . 15pm till 4pm for everyone . I 'm really tired of it now . Sometimes I wake up and think : " No , I don 't want Hillsborough today . " I grow my flowers in memory of Kevin , marigolds and asters and lobelia . It 's helped me a lot . But if Europe doesn 't rule in my favour , I 'll carry on , because I know that the only answers I can get are in court . |
Jake Dayton ran home , it was the end of the last school day before Christmas vacation . Jake was glad to leave third grade reading , writing , and arithmetic until the new year . He was eager to see if his Dad had gone back to work at the nearby plant . Dad had been off work for about two months and every night before bed time the family gathered together for night time prayers and asked for God to bless the plant managers so they could open again . Jake knew that each day that his Dad had been out of work , his Mom had grown more worried and though she was working , her job at the chain bookstore downtown did not pay near enough to keep the family going . And worst yet it was Christmas , where would they get money to buy gifts or Christmas dinner fixin 's . Jake threw off his coat and ran into the kitchen . Dad was sitting at the table newspaper opened . Jake could make out the headline on the front page , " TEXTILE PLANT REMAINS CLOSED FOR HOLIDAYS , MANAGEMENT HOPEFUL FOR NEW YEAR . " Dad put the paper aside , and he and Jake exchange looks . " Well , Jake , I guess you can read the headlines here . No work until the New Year it says , I know that you are disappointed and so am I . But good news maybe by January I 'll be back to work . What 'd you say ? Let 's just postpone Christmas until then , " said Dad . " Oh , Dad are you kidding , we can 't just postpone Christmas , " cried Jake . He could see Dad was serious . We 've got to get busy and decorate , Christmas is coming and no matter what , we have to celebrate Jesus birthday , said Jake . Dad and Jake went down the stairs and to the closet to pull out all the Christmas decorations . There would be no real live tree this year , but they still had a small tabletop fake pine tree they could decorate . They pulled the tree out and carried it upstairs first . Then one by one Jake and Dad pulled the cardboard boxes from under the stairs and carried them upstairs to the great room above . They had more decorations than tree , so Jake was careful to select the ornaments that had special meaning . He and his Dad left the ball ornaments , garland , and tinsel in the boxes . Jake could tell that Dad was really not too excited about decorating , so he tried to be as cheerful as possible . They started with the tree and Jake asked Dad about the ornaments . Mom always told Jake each year about where the ornaments came from , what year or something special about each one . Dad did not seem to know any of this information , so Jake told Dad about the crystal angel that was given to them by Aunt Grace who died last year , and the bell that said " Baby 's first Christmas " , that Mom had bought at the Hallmark store . It was small stocking blue for a boy . Jake unwrapped a white and gold bell with cursive writing , " Our First Christmas , Jamie and Cynthia , " and hung it on the tree . Dad did not seem to care , and in fact the more Jake brought up the memories , the more irritated Dad got with the whole decorating business . " Jake , let 's just get this stuff out . Mom will be home soon , and she doesn 't want to come home to Christmas mess . We 've got to hurry , " said Dad . " Well . I 'm not MOM ! " shouted Dad . He could see the hurt in James 's eyes , but it was already said . He was trying to be positive , Lord , but all he could think about was the bills , the money , and the thought of Christmas without presents for his family . Jake had the box out from under the stairs . It was a very old cardboard box , water stained and the markings were from an old department store that had gone out of business long before Jake was born . Jake opened the box , it smelled old and dusty , and this box had not been opened in a long time . " Careful Jake , said Dad , those pieces are almost as old as me . " " What are they Dad ? " asked Jake . He picked up a wooden figure , unwrapped the straw from it to see that the figure was of a man with a crooked staff , carved with a robe not pants and shirt . The man had a kind face and was smiling a kind of half smile , kinda like his Dad 's smile . It was funny ; the figure reminded him of Dad . Oh , crèche , it 's French for manger , actually a three dimensional art representation of the nativity scene . But for our sakes here in the United States , we would say that it is a French word for a nativity scene , " said Dad . " Where did Mom get this one , it sure looks old , " said Jake , while picking up the wooden pieces and examining them one by one . " Well , Jake , said Dad , they 're not Mom 's , they 're mine . You see Jake ; I helped your Great Grandfather Dayton carve these a long time ago . I was older than you . He lived with us after Great Grandmother Dayton died . In fact these carvings were his last ; he died before the next Christmas . I had completely forgotten that they were here . " Together Jake and Dad went into the backyard to the shed that Dad called his " shop . " Inside Dad kept his push mower , various tools for working on the car and in the house , several rusted paint cans . On his work bench were wood carving tools that he had inherited from Great Grandpa Dayton . They were covered with dust ; Mr . Dayton had not used them in years . He had been too busy with starting a family and working ten to twelve hour shifts at the local steel mill . Dad searched through the assorted cans of DW - 40 , flat tire fixer , and caulk until he found his bottle of carpenter glue . " Jake , look around in the back yard for some dry loose grass , Dad said . We can use it on the roof of the stable . I am going to find my bottle of tungsten oil . We 'll polish the figurines with the oil and clean them up real good before we put them out . " Jake only had to hear Dad once . He was so glad Dad 's mood had changed and was eager to hear the story behind the wood carved crèche ' . Jake gathered up the loose grass in a small tin bowl and brought it to the shop . Jake and Dad headed back inside . Normally Dad would have used the glue in the shop as a precaution from getting it on the countertops of the kitchen , but night had already fallen , and the temperature was dropping . It was below 32 degrees according to the old clock with temperature gauge that hung in the only window of the shop . Back inside Dad and Jake rubbed their hands together . Dad had been forced to keep the heat inside on 65 degrees to reduce the electric bill during his lay off . Mom , Dad , and Jake kept light jackets on inside the house and when necessary turned the kitchen stove on briefly to warm the air , then right back off . Dad got the newspaper he had been reading from the kitchen table , careful to not to use the news or the sales papers that he knew his wife , Belinda , would want to search through on the kitchen counter top . Dad carefully dusted off the stable , removing the old grass and wood shavings onto the newspaper . Then he dropped the yellow carpenters glue in small curling ribbons on the roof of the stable . Jake carefully placed clumps of the loose grass he had collected , covering the glue . " There , Dad said , that should do it . We 'll let the glue dry on its own and then we will take Mom 's hair dryer on slow and cool and finish it . That will also help to remove some of the loose grass as well . " " Wow , Dad these look really good . Better than the ones in the department store . I like them in just the wood with no paint , " said Jake . " Well , Jake , that is just the way Grandpa Dayton wanted them . He wanted them to be natural , out of God 's stuff , he would say as we carved , said Dad . Grandpa was real particular about the wood he used when carving . And with this he was very particular . He made a trip to the old sawmill outside town for just the right wood . He would not use pine , only oak would do for this crèche ' . It took several months to gather just the right oak wood scraps , clean of defect from the mill . He got the wood scraps , because at that time my Dad was out of work and we were just barely making ends meet . Dad was doing odd jobs and Mom was doing other peoples laundry . Grandpa Dayton could not work , he was sick . Later that winter we found out it was serious and before the next Christmas he had passed away and joined my Grandma Dayton . As I look back now , I think that he might have known that this Christmas would be his last . " " Older than you son , I was around fourteen , said Dad . I was mad at the world for my Dad not working , mad at my Mom for not buying me the cool stuff to wear , mad at the school for keeping me in classes that I thought were not useful , and mad at Grandpa Dayton for trying to interfere in my world of rock music , video games , and tough guy antics at the local drug store . You see , Jake , I was not a Christian during my growing up years like you . Dad didn 't see the point in going to church , and Mom went on occasion , but she had to spend a lot of Sundays doing laundry that people wanted to pick up Sunday night before the beginning of the week . Grandpa Dayton loved God and wanted to go to church , but with no one to drive him ; he had to forgo church attendance , so he spent Sundays out in a shop like mine . He listened to local radio preachers on an old AM transistor radio and many Sundays we would here his booming baritone voice as he sang along with the hymns . " Dad began to hum the tune and sang the chorus for Jake . He ended with a loud love lifted … . me ! " Wow , Dad , you got a booming deep voice too ! " exclaimed Jake . Dad laughed and it was the first time in a long time that Jake had seen his father in such a good mood . Dad found some old torn white T - shirts in his drawer . Dad cut them to make small rags and together Jake and his Dad put a little oil on them and carefully polished the wooden figurines . The oil removed the dusty build up and the oil seemed to make each pieces come to life beneath the rags . As life came to each piece with addition of the oil , Jake could see on Dad 's face a peace that he had not seen in a long time , the time before the job loss , and the weeks of rejection in finding other work . " Okay , Dad , tell me about the crèche ' , did you carve it or did Great Grandpa Dayton ? " asked Jake " Well , Jake , said Dad , it was both of us . But I was not a willing carver at first . Some things happened that put me at home for the month before Christmas that year . And at the time I thought it was going to be the worst month of my life . " " Sure , Jake , I 'll tell you , it something you need to know about me and about Grandpa Dayton , said Dad . I tell you while the glue is still drying on the stable . Look Jake , all the pieces are clean , just let them dry . My I wouldn 't have guessed that these figurines would look so good and stand the test of time , but I guess it is just like my memory of the days we worked , Grandpa Dayton and I , in between the books and talks , was the carving . " Dad set the each piece on the counter to dry . He counted the pieces and picked each one up examining it for any spots left without oil . As he looked at each he began to tell Jake about the month before Christmas when he was fourteen . " I was fourteen the year Grandpa Dayton died , began Dad . He and Grandma Dayton had come to live with us when I was five . Their health was not good , Grandma had been diagnosed with cancer the year before and the medical bills , trips for chemotherapy had cost them all of there savings . It became necessary to sell their house and move in with us Page 7 I was happy at five to have my grandparents come to live with me . Less than two years after they came , Grandma Dayton died . Grandpa Dayton lived on with us ; his great faith in seeing Grandma again was a mystery to me . Mom and Dad had not carried me to church much , always busy working , but Grandpa and Grandma Dayton had told me stories from the Bible and I especially loved the stories about the miracles of Jesus . Together we prayed for Grandma Dayton to be well , but when she died , I could not understand why the stories of Jesus ' healing did not happen for Grandma . I was about eight when she died . From then on I had more difficulty in believing Grandpa Dayton , because I had not really believed in Jesus for myself only for Grandma and Grandpa . The years went on , Grandpa living with us and we were close . Each day I would come in from school to spend hours in Grandpa 's shop as he worked on small machines for pay to help out with the money and when he did not have a machine to fix . a lawnmower motor to repair , he always had a wood carving project . I sat and watched as his big , rough hands would take a misshapen scrap of wood and turn it into a dog , a cat , or many times a figure from the Bible . He carved animals for Noah 's ark , David and Goliath , and Daniel in the Lion 's Den . As he carved he would tell me the stories over and over again . Sometimes he would tell of his courtship with Grandma or about the days when he was a little boy and how his Dad had helped him develop the love of carving . He told how his Dad had related to him the miracle of taking a left over scrap of nothing but kindling wood , and through the talent given to him by God , making that scrap into a carving that spoke the glory of God to all who saw it . Some of what Grandpa was saying went over my head as a little fellow , but the love I saw in Grandpa 's eyes when he talked about God was not , and I longed for the kind of faith he had , but I was always discouraged by the death of Grandma . How could God who delivered Daniel from the lion 's moutCrèche I was leading a life that was deceptive and on the road to criminal acts which finally happened the year I was fourteen . My buddies and I decided to break into the school and paint the walls with graffiti , turn over teacher 's desk , and look for any money left in teachers ' desk . We were particularly angry at our history teacher . He was your absent - minded professor type who loved history and gave reports to write when we acted up in his class . My two best friends at the time , Jeff and Matt , decided to get him back . We especially trashed his room , scattering his collection of World War II magazines on the floor , stomping and tearing the pages , and using spray paint to spray Nazi swastikas on the chalk board . We thought we had gotten away with the whole break in until the next day when the vandalism came on the news and we realized we had forgotten to cover one of the hallway cameras . There we were on the tape ! The police came to our door and I was taken in handcuffs to the police station . Mom and Dad along with Grandpa Dayton came down in the family car . Principal Williams was there to press charges . I sat down on the bench with Jeff and Matt as our parents met with the police , the principal , and the school superintendent . I was ashamed and wished a thousand times I had not let myself get involved , but I couldn 't let Jeff or Matt think that I was a " sissy or a chicken " , so I put on the rough and tough attitude and joked with Matt and Jeff about reform school . I did not know it then , but inside my Grandpa Dayton pleaded with the school and the police to let him be my prison warden at home . He told them that he would be personally responsible for my education , and my punishment . At first , the police and superintendent were adamantly against it , stating that an example had to be made of the boys or else others would be encouraged to try the same thing . But as Grandpa pleaded for me the principal and superintendent softened and the police stated that it would allow the school officials to make the final decision though the police reminded the school that if this did not go well , the police would have to step in if I ran away or quit school . As for Matt and Jeff , their parents would not accept responsibility for them . They had a long track record for petty crimes and their parents were not willing to try to keep them at home , though they were given the option . In the end , Grandpa Dayton won the hearts of the school and I went home that night , angry and belligerent to be Grandpa 's constant companion until the new semester at Johnson High School . Matt and Jeff left in handcuffs for Pinson Home for Boys in the south , to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in the reform school . They had a chance to come back to Johnson High in the second semester if they had good behavior and passing grades form Pinson . Matt and Jeff never came back to school . They left the reform school worse than when they went in . Matt ended up in prisoPage 9 Crèche The ride home that night was pure agony for me . I desperately wanted to say I was sorry , but my pride and my tough guy attitude would not let go . I wanted to cry and feel my parents and Grandpa Dayton say it was going to be all right . But how could I the street wise thug wannabe say it ? So I remained sullen and quiet in the back on the ride home listening to the gentle sobbing of my mother and watching my father fight back emotions . Grandpa Dayton sat next to me in the back seat . If it wasn 't for him , I would be heading for Pinson . I desperately wanted to say I was sorry to Grandpa , but again the words became like bile in my mouth and I swallowed them down acidic and painful to my throat , not to mention my mind . I went to bed that night with a thousand different emotions weighing on my mind . Thoughts of running away kept me awake . I was an embarrassment to myself and my family . I wanted to leave , become a success and return to make them proud . But the odds of a fourteen year old boy in the big city with no money , no skills , no job , the only ending I could see were handcuffs and Pinson . The next morning started early . Grandpa always got up with the chickens a leftover habit from his days on his father 's farm . So at five o ' clock he came knocking on my door to start my day in the Grandpa Dayton Reform School . First thing he said was to eat breakfast , a meal I usually skipped or filled my stomach with an iced Pop Tart . Grandpa Dayton stated that this was the first habit I was to change . From now on it was eggs or bacon , toast , milk or juice , the traditional breakfast . My stubbornness started from the very beginning . After the previous night , the fight was not in me for the breakfast food , so reluctantly I put a small amount of eggs and toast on my plate . Grandpa fixed his plate . He said grace over the meal , and I thought okay , so here it goes , the Christian thing , or well , I am not going to fight that either , not now anyway . Together we ate in silence . Breakfast dishes put away , Grandpa and I sat down at the kitchen table . It seemed that Grandpa too had been awake last night . While I had been weighing the runaway scheme possibilities , Grandpa had been making out a calendar with each day for the next two months filled with household chores , trips to different town landmarks , academic time , Bible study , and afternoon workshop duties with Grandpa . " For this to work , said Grandpa , you and I are going to have to come to an agreement . I put my neck out for you , Jamie , and though that was a risk , my greatest fear is losing you to the things of this world . I know that you are angry and that there are emotions and thoughts inside of you that need to come out so that healing can take place . I don 't expect these things will be resolved overnight . What I do expect is cooperation , respect , and a willing spirit . " " Oh , Grandpa , I said , I am not happy about this whole thing . I don 't have any thoughts that you need to know , I am just being a normal teenager . Maybe not normal to your standards , but you live in a world that I don 't want to be a part of . It is old fashioned , not hip or cool , and I intend to endure these next weeks . I plan to do what you say . My thoughts will remain my own . " And so the long days began . Up before daybreak , breakfast , academics , household chores , all the ones I hated like laundry , stripping wood floors and relaxing them under the relentless religious radio station that Grandpa Dayton listened to every day . In the evenings , after a small lunch , we went to visit some landmarks , the Old North Church , the Confederate Cemetery , the monuments for fallen heroes of world wars , Korea and Vietnam . I listened as Grandpa told story after story of who , what , where , when , and how of the visits , and did my best not to show my total lack of interest in the past . What did these old dead guys have to do with me ? I was tougher and smarter than to let myself get mixed up in some cause or war which would serve other people more than me . At least three days per week we visited Grandma Dayton 's grave . This was the worst . Grandpa Dayton thinking that one day he would see her again . If God had the power to save her , he wouldn 't have to wait , she would still be here . God was just as dead to me , as all the monuments in all the places we visited . The days rolled on , past a dismal Thanksgiving . We had hen instead of the turkey which was a part of Dad 's old job , every year each family was given a bird so we didn 't have to buy one . There were very little sweets , sugar just way too expensive . Our television was old and fuzzy , so the traditional football games after lunch turned into staring at black and white splotches on a small screen . Mom and Dad made excuses to the rest of the families for not sharing in Thanksgiving with them . They used work and rest as the excuse which was transparent to the relatives , but they did not push the issue . Dad 's not working except for odd jobs around the community and Mom 's taking in of laundry and Page 11 sewing were helping , but making ends meet was extremely difficult . Dad shut himself off from my in - house incarceration , at Grandpa Dayton 's request . I can see now it was just Grandpa 's way of keeping my Dad from more anxiety . Mom was so busy seeking out odd jobs along with Dad , that for the most part my day to day existence was with Grandpa alone . My academic work was right in line for finishing up the semester . Grandpa kept in contact with all my teachers and each day I had fresh assignments and each night an ample amount of homework to keep me busy . My body was in subjection to Grandpa , Mom , and Dad , and the school board , but my mind was busy conjuring ways to leave and never come back . The day after Thanksgiving , Grandpa didn 't allow another day of vacation ; he woke me up exceptionally early for an errand . He said we were going to the sawmill at the edge of town to pick up carving wood . I reluctantly rolled out of bed to the sound of WDCJC , Christian radio , and headed down for breakfast , barely combing my hair , in my rumpled shirt and pants from the day before . " Good morning , Jamie , said Grandpa , today we 're headed for the lumber yard . We are going to pick out some good pieces for carving . I thought that maybe instead of just cleaning my shop and watching me work , you could join me in a project . " He ignored my rumpled clothes , my unkempt hair and my attempt to look as miserable at being awake at 4 : 30 am was not impossible . I slumped down in my chair , disgruntled and ready to throw the toast and bacon in the trash , head to my room and dare him or anyone else to come into my space . Why does he have to keep pushing me I thought , I was compliant wasn 't I , just stop making me try to like the same things he does ! I was growing in defiance to Grandpa and though I knew he loved me and what interested only in my good , I was irritated that he was trying to force his beliefs and his faith on me that was bad enough . Now he wanted to choose my hobbies and interest too ! I rebelled in spirit and in body that morning . " I am not going , I don 't want to , I have done everything you have asked , Grandpa , but I am not interested in wood carving , or burning , or whatever you have planned . I am sick of that stupid radio station , I am sick of all your talking and me just listening , I am sick of YOU ! Let me alone , old man , and I 'll finish this semester and then you want have to be Page 12 Creche bothered with me any more , " I said . I slammed down my juice and it splashed on the counter top and onto the floor . Mom and Dad ran down the stairs at the end of my tirade and stood at the bottom mouths open . Dad opened his mouth to correct , but Grandpa shushed him . " You will go with me , said Grandpa Dayton . I have been tolerant and patient with you , Jamie , but you will do everything I say including this trip to the mill . Now go upstairs , get dressed warmly and make it quick ! " I don 't know why , but Grandpa 's tone of voice and the fact that Mom and Dad were there ready to send me to Pinson changed my mind . I stomped up the stairs , mumbling to myself . Back downstairs , Grandpa was ready with his walking cane and we headed out into the thirty degree weather . Grandpa could drive , but he chose to walk most places that he could for his health and because he did not like driving in the city traffic . We walked at a brisk pace because of the cold for Grandpa and because of my desire to get to the old mill quickly . The mill was about one mile from our house . You walked sidewalks until you got to the railroad tracks , and then you followed the tracks for about a one - half of a mile . The mill was located near the tracks . The original owners of the mill built their business there to be close to the tracks for lumber sells to be quickly loaded and sent by rail to destinations across the country . " Well , good early morning to you , Mr . Dayton , said the man inside the small office . What brings you out so early ? " " Hey , Charles , said Grandpa , I 've come to look over the scrap pieces with my grandson . I 've got a special project in mind for this Christmas and we 've got to start right away and with the best scraps we can get . I would like mahogany first choice , second oak , and no pine " " Mahogany ? questioned Charles , must be a very special project . Scrap mahogany is scarce , but Mr . Dayton , you 're in luck . Yesterday we had a special order mahogany dining room set . We made the rough cuts here , and then sent them on to Tennessee for craftsman at the Ashley furniture plant to finish . Follow me and I 'll show you where the scraps are here in the scrap bins . " Grandpa Dayton and I picked through the pile of scrap mahogany wood with fingers numb with cold . I was less enthusiastic than Grandpa . I felt like one of the beggars on the streets we had seen with their possessions in plastic bags . Or some with shopping carts rusted with age and taken from grocery stores long since replaced by bigger mega marts with their new plastic carts . As much as I tried not to , I became interested in the wood search . It was a simple treasure hunt for pieces that were good enough to carve . Grandpa stressed we needed wood with no major cracks and the beauty of the color of the mahogany impressed the artistic bent in me . We recovered several beautiful pieces . Grandpa took the ones I had picked with his and we headed up to office to pay for the scraps . " Good work , Jamie , you found some beautiful scraps , " said Grandpa . In spite of myself , I felt like I had contributed to the search . I fought it though . Charles loaded up a cardboard box with the wood and Grandpa handed it to me to carry the three miles back home . The weather instead of warming seemed to have gotten colder , the sun not shining , a gray cloud cover that kept the day dreary . Back home the morning went as usual . I did my academic work and then had Grandpa to check it and verify with his signature that I done the work alone as part of the requirements by the school suspension guidelines . Grandpa set the table for lunch . The weather prompted him to fix soup several times a week , and though I longed for lunchroom fare , fries and hamburgers , I did not complain . After the soup , Grandpa put on his work jacket . " Jamie , this is your elective credit for this semester . I called the superintendent and he okayed this " shop " project for credit . It will give you the extra credit you need for passing to the tenth grade but if this is not what you want , and then I will call him again , " said Grandpa . Page 14 It had not occurred to me that Grandpa would have figured out my credit deficiency or that he would take it on himself to find out . I had already calculated my credits and knew that my semester suspension would remove my shop credit as I had no shop class to attend and could not make it up at home , or so I thought . " No , Grandpa , don 't call , I need the credit . I don 't want to be left in the ninth grade for a stupid shop credit , " I stated . The weather was cold , and the tool shed was equipped with a small space wood space heater . Grandpa fed the heater and it warmed the shed quickly . Grandpa tuned his little transistor to his favorite gospel station . His favorite preacher , Brother Green , was preaching and I could tell from Grandpa 's face he was happy and content with his radio and to have his hands in wood . Grandpa carefully picked the wood scraps from the box and began arranging on the work table . " Let 's look at the color and grain of the wood , Grandpa said . I think I know what I would like to carve from these pieces , but we have to be sure that we have the right amount of wood . I want all the carvings to come from these pieces so that they have color and textures that are the same . Kinda like cutting a dress from the same bolt of cloth . " " Don 't you want to know what we are carving ? " asked Grandpa . " Okay , sure , I said , what are we carving ? Some wooden toys or maybe doll house furniture , thinking of some of the projects I had seen at school . " A crèche , repeated Grandpa . A crèche is a representation of the birth of Christ . It originated with St . Francis of Assisi . He used real humans and animals to depict the nativity . Even back in 1223 , St Francis was trying to get the eyes of Christians off the material aspect of Christmas gift giving and back to the true wonder of Christmas , Christ 's birth . I want you and me to carve a crèche for Christmas . " " Come on Grandpa , don 't you ever give up , I said . That Christian stuff , it just isn 't for me . Let 's just carve some wooden trains or something . We could donate them to a local charity to give away for Christmas . " " No , I 've made up my mind , Jamie . There is something down inside that tells me it is the right time for carving this crèche . My spirit won 't let it go , " said Grandpa . I knew when Grandpa started talking about his spirit , it was a done deal . So we began that afternoon making drawings of all the nativity figures we wanted to include in our crèche . I hoped for just a Mary , Joseph , and the baby and maybe a few animals . Grandpa Page 15 was enthusiastic and planned for the Holy Family and three wise men , a shepherd , some animals and an announcing angel . In all Grandpa had planned out about ten different pieces . He also wanted to find some wood to build the stable to house the figures . It was a big project to complete with only about three weeks before Christmas . " Grandpa , that 's a lot of pieces to carve before Christmas , " I said . " We 'll finish with the Lord 's help , " he said . Then Grandpa presented me with an X - Acto wood carving knife . It was not the most expensive , but knowing Grandpa 's budget , it was more than he spent in several weeks . " Here , Jamie , a carver needs the right tool . I picked this knife out just for you , " said Grandpa . I wanted to hug Grandpa , to thank him and to let him know how much I appreciated all he was doing to help me , but I didn 't . " Thanks , " I barely got out , without looking at him . So we began the crèche that afternoon with a lot of work and a short time to do it in . Grandpa was driven to get the crèche finished . At the time , I thought he was just pushing me toward his religion and thought that I would get as involved as he in creating the crèche pieces . I tried hard not to care , but in the end , I was drawn into the carving and found myself looking forward to the hours of my Grandpa 's " shop " class . Of course , I was still not crazy about the radio station . I wanted to hear Arrowsmith or Kiss , but I knew better than to ask . Pretty soon I got used to hearing the preachers , the teachers , and could even sing along with some of the gospel favorites during the Old Time Gospel Hour . Due to my lack of skill in carving , Grandpa chose the animal pieces for me . It was work , hard work that made my fingers ache , along with my back . It was slow and tedious work , and some days I wanted to just throw the animal I was working on down and quit . But I would not . I was as stubborn as Grandpa in many ways . I would not let him out last me . When I thought Grandpa was not looking , I would pretend to be working , but watching his gnarled fingers as he carved delicate faces on the lumps of mahogany . With fascination , I watch as he poured love through his fingers into the bodies and faces of Mary , who reminded me of Grandma Dayton , Joseph , who really looked like Grandpa , and the wise men who resembled my Dad , Uncle Joe and his son , Eric . The days grew shorter with December . Grandpa and I agreed to start our academics earlier , at six in the morning . A month before I would have strongly protested . School time was eight o ' clock , but I was drawn to the tool shed , the carvings , and the time of quiet music and the warmth of the heater and the warmth of Grandpa 's companionship . Grandpa was winning and I knew it . My grades were good , my attitude changing from rebellion to reconciliation . I had been away from the corrupting influences of the guys at school and I could really say I didn 't miss the pressure to be the tough guy . Page 16 " Grandpa , don 't spoil what we have here , I said . You know that I have liked the carving , even getting to the books earlier to be out here . I realize that I am calmer and less agitated , but I am not ready to go into the Jesus thing ! " " Jamie , I am not pushing you about Christ . Just think about how you have felt the past few weeks , the peace we have had between us . Search your heart , Jamie , that 's all I ask , " said Grandpa . " I don 't have to think about it , Grandpa , its okay for you , but not me ! " I slammed down my knife and walked out of the tool shed . I knew that I had hurt my Grandpa again , but I just could not admit that I needed Jesus , or anybody . That evening Grandpa was unusually quiet . He ate his dinner , and then excused himself to his room . I so wanted to ask his forgiveness for my attitude earlier in the day , but I did not know what to say , so I said nothing . The next morning , Grandpa was late getting up . I fixed breakfast for us both , his usual egg and toast with black coffee . Just as I sat down , he walked into the kitchen , he looked tired . We put on our work jackets and headed out in the cold morning for the tool shed . I had finished the camel , the sheep , and the cows for the stable scene . My donkey was almost completed . Grandpa had finished all the people , except Jesus . I knew that we still needed to construct the stable , clean and put varnish on the pieces . Maybe today Grandpa would Page 17 carve the baby Jesus . I would not tell him , but I was interested in knowing who would be his model for Jesus face . " It is really cold in here , " I commented . Then silence . Grandpa did not seem to be mad . But he was not his usual talkative self . Most mornings he would tell me stories of his childhood , or how he met Grandma . Sometimes it was about the depression and World War II . Sometimes I had heard the story more than once , but I just listened . I liked to hear about his life , for some reason , it gave me peace knowing that I was a product of his family tree , hardworking , patriotic , loyal , and God - fearing . We worked all through the day . Only stopping at lunch for Campbell 's Tomato soup , Grandpa 's favorite . He ate little and picked at the turkey sandwich . I knew something was wrong , but I ignored it and kept trying to keep my conversation at our normal tone . Shadows began to fall across the yard . Grandpa and I had varnished all the pieces except the baby Jesus which Grandpa had still not carved . The stable was constructed of some scrap plywood and I picked real dry weeds to glue on the roof . Soon Mom and Dad would be home . I was anxious as to why Grandpa kept avoiding the carving of Jesus , but he had let me know that he would do it on his own time . We ate dinner again in relative silence . Mom and Dad talked about their work day . Dad was back at the steel factory and Mom had been able to get on at the local drug store . It looked as though our Christmas would be better than our Thanksgiving with holiday food , and even a few gifts under the tree . Grandpa excused himself early again and went straight to his room . Mom and Dad suspected that we had been at it during the day , but I told them no , that in fact Grandpa had been quiet all day . I began to worry about Grandpa . Curiosity got the best of me and around nine o ' clock I knocked on his door . " Yea , think I can pass the history easy enough , but English and math will be tough , " I commented . " You 'll do well , Jamie , I have confidence , said Grandpa . I know why you are here . You want to know about the carving . " " Yes , Jamie , I had to work on it in here . Take a look and you 'll see why , " said Grandpa . He picked up the baby Jesus and handed it to me . It was amazing , the face looked just Page 18 like me as a baby . Then I saw that he had been carving on his night stand and that my baby picture was there beside the shavings . " Why , me Grandpa , I am certainly no model for Jesus , " I said . " Of course you are Jamie , you see he was born and died for everyone even for you . He is like you in his humanity , but He is God and can take away all the hurt and anger you feel , " said Grandpa . I knew that Grandpa had labored way into the night to do this carving after dinner . It was his way of showing just how much he loved me , as much as he loved Jesus . " Grandpa , I want to have Jesus in my heart , can you tell me how ? " I asked . Together Grandpa and I said the Sinner 's Prayer in his bedroom . We finished the crèche in time for Christmas . Mom was thrilled and Dad was proud of my carving skill . I passed my semester exams , barely . Only one point in Math , but I was encouraged that because of my " shop " grade I would go on to the tenth grade . I was looking forward to Driver 's Education and getting my learner 's permit . It was a good Christmas . Grandpa enjoyed it all and Dad even carried him to visit some of his brothers and his sister in the southern most part of the state . It was Grandpa 's last Christmas with us . During the spring he was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer that Grandma Dayton was diagnosed with years earlier . He grew weak and feeble and the last few months stayed in the bed . I went into his room everyday to show him my latest carvings , talk about my grades , my friends , and Jesus . I had started attending a local church and when he was able I borrowed my Dad 's station wagon and drove us to services . I knew that Grandpa would not see the summer unless Jesus decided to heal him . And I was right . One bright sunny morning , Grandpa just stopped breathing . Months before I would have been angry and bitter , but knowing Jesus was with Grandpa and at the moment he took his last breath , Jesus had taken his hand and led him onto the streets of gold . He was reunited with Grandma and the joy he felt I could only imagine . I cried tears of sadness for I would miss him , but tears of joy for his reward . Jamie had tears in his eyes as he ended his story . " I do too , Jake , said Jamie . Jake , I know that this past few months have been hard on all of us . Many times I have felt that God is not here or that He has not listened to our prayers . But seeing this crèche today has reminded me of those hard days of the past and how Grandpa Dayton showed me how we face the hard times . With Jesus , we have nothing to fear and like Joseph we can say that what the world intends for evil , God can make it for our good if we trust in Him . Grandpa Dayton left us a legacy of blessings . Jake , I am sorry that I have not shared this with you sooner . Grandpa Dayton showed me overcoming faith . I had let the world squeeze it out of me , but today I promise you , son , I will do my best and with God 's help we will stand firm on His promises . " " Its okay , Dad , I know that you have been sad . But I know that God hears us and soon you will be working . I kind of ' think Grandpa Dayton is smiling right now . The crèche was more than just important for that Christmas long ago , it is important today . It reminded us of what really is important about Christmas , Jesus in our lives everyday , every circumstance . Don 't you worry Dad about Christmas presents , having this crèche to remember Grandpa Dayton and the love of our family , that is the best present ever ! " said Jake . " Let 's finish decorating , Dad . I think we should put the crèche on the sofa table . When Mom gets home will you tell her about great Grandpa Dayton ? " said Jake . Jake and his Dad finished unwrapping the pieces of the crèche and cleaned them . Then they carefully placed them on the sofa table . It was going to be a good Christmas . " Thanks Grandpa , " said Jamie in a whisper . He carefully placed the baby Jesus in the center of the crèche . |
. . . the arrival of my mother . This trip has so many firsts attached to it for her . I can 't wait to experience them with her ! John and I did a lot today in preparation and even used our oldest son to help , our youngest son tried to undo what was being done , but he 's one . We 'll let it pass for now . I haven 't taken pictures of Malachi 's room all finished , but posted a picture of Simon 's room on Facebook . Not only did I paint this week , but we had curtains made for our first floor . They 're thin - ish , wispy curtains that weren 't too expensive and really add a lot to our first floor . It 's amazing what projects get done when you 're about to have a visitor . I think we 're done with projects though . We have about 14 months left to enjoy the work that 's been done , and enjoy it we will ! Quick update . . . Malachi seems to still be recovering a bit , his appetite isn 't what it normally is . But he hasn 't been sick since the other night , and no sign of seizures either . His neurologist said that stomach bugs can aggravate / cause seizures so we shouldn 't worry . Malachi 's teacher called at 2 : 30 and asked if I was the one picking Malachi up . I said yes and that I was getting ready to leave . She told me that since lunch he 'd been complaining about an upset stomach , and had been crying for Mommy for a while . When I got there he wasn 't playing with friends , he was sitting in a chair waiting for me . I talked a bit to his teacher and we went home . Right after I 'd opened his door and grabbed his backpack he said " I don 't feel good " and then proceeded to puke in the backseat of the car . Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening he puked another five times . He can 't hold down anything . We put him to bed before 8 : 00 after about an hour of being puke free . We brought an extra crib mattress that we have in the house into our room and put it next to our bed so he wouldn 't have to walk across the house to tell us that he got sick . I came downstairs to watch T . V . and John stayed upstairs to play a video game . I heard John call out Malachi 's name and go into our room and then heard silence . I knew that since I didn 't hear the door close , or crying and puking it meant seizure , but since I didn 't hear anything I didn 't want to jump to conclusions . John made his way downstairs and told me that in fact he did have a small seizure . Not a partial , just a short grand mal . No drool , and quite short . Neither of us is very surprised really since his little body and mind have been under a ton of stress since about 3 : 00 today . Not only has he puked six times , but he has no nourishment because he can 't keep anything down . Poor guy . Luckily he did wait long enough to puke the last time that his medicine should have been digested . John 's going to email the Neurologist in the morning and give him the details . I had already emailed his teacher and told her that he wouldn 't be in school . I have a work thing tomorrow , I guess I may not be able to make it to . Of course , after a night of rest , all may be better . I wrote my Senators today . I 've never done that before . Sure I used someone 's letter and then made it my own , but I still went through the effort . I had to . The House of Representatives passed HR1 , and if Senate passes it we 'll have a 16 % cut in our pay right now . If the President is going to freeze everyone 's pay for two years that 's fine . If Senate is going to shut down the WHOLE government because they need to then fine . But HR1 only applies to Foreign Service Officers - and only those overseas . My question is why ? Why pick on one of the smallest groups in the U . S . Government ? Some of us are serving in expensive countries , some of us are serving in dangerous countries ( and yes I understand we get compensation for those specific things , but . . . ) and cutting our pay is going to make a lot of people angry . And if you 're cutting pay then there 's a chance it will be difficult to get some Officers and their families to go overseas . I know that a 16 % cut in pay is going to hurt in Costa Rica . . . it is NOT cheap here ! So please write to your Senator . Tell them that you 'd like them to NOT pass HR1 . I 've wanted to paint rooms in our apartments for a long time . When we lived in Dallas we weren 't allowed , so it was an unrealized dream . When we arrived in San Jose I found out that if we wanted to paint the house that was fine , but we 'd need to have it painted back - SOLD ! The living room and dining room were painted less than six weeks after moving here . I 've thought for the last 10 months that it would be really nice to have the bedrooms painted as well . With # 3 coming the desire to paint has gotten stronger . So this past weekend Malachi , Simon , and I went to EPA , a Superferreteria ( think Lowes ) , I had the colors for Simon and the baby 's room picked out , and I asked Malachi what he wanted ( WARNING : Never let your 5 year old pick the colors , unless your 5 year old has an uncanny way with colors ) . We bought the paint , and some painting tools and took them home . We originally had plans to go to the beach on Monday ( was that just yesterday ? ) with our day off but with the highway closing none of us wanted to make the trek . So Monday turned into painting day , a . k . a . killing Sara 's body day . I started at about 7 : 30 a . m . and I taped and primed the walls . Then once that was dry , I had John help me put tape up to mark where the third color ( the horizontal stripe ) would go . Then I painted the two main colors in both of the rooms . In total that was one coat of primer in both rooms and four different colors between the two rooms . With all of the bending , squatting , standing , stretching , taping , and painting my body was so over it by the end of the day , which was shortly before 6 : 00 p . m . . . I think . I was so , so happy that we had already scheduled a masseuse to come . By the time I cleaned myself up , John was half way through his massage . I started reading The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison . When I reached page 25 , the masseuse was ready for me . I had an amazing one hour massage and shortly after went into a deep sleep until Malachi came in this morning at 5 : 40 . I had a busy day at work today and came home with a headache and nausea , but I decided to do the second coats in Malachi 's room before dinner anyway . Out of breath and with a worsened headache and nausea I sat down at 6 : 00 p . m . and after a bit went for the Panadol ( acetaminophen ) . Pizza was delivered about two hours from ordering , and was enjoyed by the whole family . The kids went to bed , and I 've been watching recorded episodes of Chuck and Castle and writing this blog during that . Now . . . I 'm ready for bed . Friday night John watched Simon while Malachi and I went to Multiplaza ( the local mall ) . There 's a place there , full of large bounce house like activities , where you can drop off your child to play while you go shop . OR . . . you can take your child and watch them play . If they 're under 4 you can go play with them . I had to sit outside and watch , but after he had a pretty good time . At first he didn 't really know what to do or who to play with , and a little boy then yelled at him , and that certainly didn 't help . Finally he watched another little boy do something , to which Malachi copied and then continued doing for 10 minutes , over , and over , and over . He eventually found a little girl to play with and spent the remainder of his time with her . After about 40 minutes I told him it was time to go eat dinner . He wanted McDonald 's , and since I 've recently been on a no McDonald 's kick I said no . However , I don 't know if I picked something that was healthier for us . I took him to Oui Oui Crepes , he had a nutella crepe and I had a banana and chocolate crepe . After he stuffed his mouth full , didn 't chew properly , and started chocking he got the hang of eating the crepe and enjoyed it . His came with M & M 's which he thought was pretty special . After that we went home and he went to bed . Last night John and I went out on a date . We were supposed to go to a movie and then dancing with some friends , but our maid told me when she got here that she had to leave early . She wanted to be home by 9 : 00 , she had a good reason but I was pissed . I told her when we scheduled for last night that we were going to be out late . The dancing didn 't start until 9 : 30 . I didn 't say anything to her about it for a couple of reasons . One , I didn 't know if my Spanish was good enough to convey what I was feeling , and two , I didn 't want to let my anger rule what I said . I was determined to not let my anger towards P ruin what I could have with John . We had a good time at the movie , and then headed home . I told P before we left that we already had tickets and that the movie will be done around 9 : 00 , and we 'd head straight home . We did just that , and when we got home Malachi was still up . . . not good . Malachi shouldn 't have been up that late ! She knows that he goes to bed by no later than 8 : 00 on the weekends , she 's babysat enough to know that . sigh Next time I guess I 'll just have to be more thorough in giving her directions for the evening . Or . . . I could arrange for someone else to babysit . Malachi 's test results came back normal for an epileptic . We have digital and hard copies of both of the tests for the future if we ever need them . The neurologist didn 't add a second medicine or increase the dosage more than what he already did last week . He 's still hopeful that Malachi will grow out of the seizures . Simon 's well check went really well . He 's 22 lbs and 24 inches long with a 19 inch head . He 's just over 90 % for length and just over 50 % for weight , which is common at this age because of how much he 's moving around now . He of course has the big Emery ( my mom 's side of my side ) head , I 've blessed both my kids with that . He passed his exam with flying colors . The scar from the growth removal is healing really well as well . After even a short time at work today I felt so much better . I talked to a friend for about 20 minutes about where we 'll be next ( don 't know . . . ) . That with the knowledge that it 's now been a week since Malachi 's had a seizure , the large amount of crying done over the last two days , and all of the prayers and good thoughts sent my way , I think I 'm finally getting better . I know I am . Today I had a breakdown . Not that I haven 't had a few in the last eleven days , but this was like a real breakdown . First came the stress cry that I got under control after only about five minutes ( that 's a really long time to cry ) , and then my body and especially my brain only did what was necessary . During the kids ' naps I went to my " happy place . " I was somewhat blissfully happy for a little bit because my brain wouldn 't allow anything else . Then I returned to reality and fell into some crying , although this time instead of being in the " privacy " of the car with John and Malachi , I was at Malachi 's school with all of his friends and their parents for the Valentine 's Party / Presentation . It was very hard for me to control myself there . I almost wasn 't able to do it a few times . My husband was gracious enough to make dinner ( well he usually does , but I think he could sense my utter lack of willingness to do it ) and after the kids went to bed I drew a bath , lit some candles , and read a book ( my " happy place " ) . I 've made it known that sometime soon I need dinner and a movie out with a girlfriend . I 'm sure I 'll get that with no contest . Just for a quick update : Malachi 's EEG went well . The Dr . will got the results to both tests tonight . We 're apparently meeting with him on Thursday at 2 : 00 but were only informed of this through the Embassy nurse who was informed by our neurologist . I was supposed to bring him the previous test results ( the ones done 19 months ago ) but when I went to their office today it was closed . . . at 10 : 00 a . m . They don 't hold normal office hours here . . . anyway , I digress . So he has nothing to compare them with because I have to work the next two days . Oh well . He 'll tell us that there was nothing on the MRI and the EEG and we 'll tell him that 's what happened last time . Simon 's still teething the 8th tooth , which came in one day last week , but other than that , he 's great . Thank God . # 3 is moving a ton and I can even now feel him punch and kick at the same time . He 's strong too , it 's starting to get a bit . . . uncomfortable . Less than half way to go ! Malachi had a few partial seizures this morning . We kept an extra close eye on him today since the last grand mal he had was precluded by a partial . Thankfully though , there was no grand mal . We stayed at home all day until 7 : 00 p . m . when Malachi and I went to the store to get a few things . Then we had a good time staying up until 10 . We watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition , talked to John 's parents for a while , and then did dishes together . Those things with the grocery shopping and getting ready for bed equaled the three hours that we had to keep him up . He 's been very excited about staying up late and getting up early , we 'll see how excited he really is at 4 : 00 a . m . when John gets him . Tomorrow 's test will be very different . It 's only going to be 30 - 40 minutes long and they want active and sentient brain activity so he will be falling asleep at some point . He also won 't be so restricted . He won 't be able to move around a lot , but he won 't have to redo parts of his test because he moved . The Dr . should get the results from the MRI tomorrow , best case scenario is that there 's no change . I don 't know when he 'll get results from the EEG . Last time we did a short EEG like this there was no seizure activity on the test . Even when we did the long test there was no seizure activity . So we 'll see if they can find anything this time . John missed work on Thursday and is going to miss part of the day tomorrow , but we 'll bring him to work when we leave the hospital . Malachi 's not going to be in school in the morning but we 're going to the Valentine 's Day Party at his school at 2 : 00 . We still don 't know if he 'll be going to school on Tuesday . We have much to discuss . I had a few prayers to God about Simon 's birth and every one of them was answered . My epidural wasn 't as good as with Malachi 's labor and delivery , but it did help a bit . The labor started on Saturday the 12th and he was born at 1 : 54 p . m . ( EST ) and weight 8 lbs . 4 oz . and was 21 inches long . He passed all of the newborn tests and was cleared to be with us . He cried a lot that first day , but was amazing to us . His blood work and eventually his skin showed that he was jaundiced . The doctors said it was because our blood types conflicted . So he spent the remainder of our time in the hospital in the UV bed getting his tan on . Unfortunately we didn 't get a picture of this . He was pretty cute laying in the bed with his eye protectors on . The first few days we were definitely in our honeymoon phase . We loved our new life with our two boys . Simon didn 't wake up every two hours because of the jaundice - and he had a big appetite , I couldn 't keep up with it and had to supplement . I was also supplementing because the jaundice wasn 't going away the way we 'd hoped it would . Finally the jaundice was gone , and so were we . Simon handled our travel to TX like a champ , sleeping the whole way on the flight from D . C . He met our friends in Dallas , and then after a couple of days in Houston for Daddy 's work , he slept through another flight to Costa Rica . He 's grown and developed at a rate completely new to John and I , and was wearing his brother 's 18 month clothing at 10 months ( partly because he was huge , partly because of clothing shrinkage ) . Before that , his development ( laughing , smiling , cooing , talking , rolling , sitting , etc . ) seemed a bit early if not right on time . His first tooth came in at 5 months , 3 weeks , and his next tooth came in a few days later . His next two teeth didn 't come in until he was eight months old , and he 's slowly been teething since then . He now has eight teeth and it seems his first molar is forming and going to come in . Learning to crawl was difficult for him because of our tile and wood flooring that offered no traction . He did the army crawl for a long time and finally mastered crawling at about ten months old . Shortly after that he started to " cruise " around our furniture and now will take a couple of steps between pieces with confidence , but no more than that . In January of 2011 Simon enjoyed his first ever vacation in Minnesota . The cold didn 't seem to bother him nearly as much as it did his mother . He met his Grandpa on his mommy 's side for the first time as well as many extended family members and some friends that mommy 's had for many years ( one friend mommy has had for almost 27 years ) . He really enjoyed flying and was just like his brother was at that age . He 's had two colds and one infection ( throat and ear ) but otherwise has been healthy over the last year . He 's a bit of an attention hog , and cries even if he 's fallen just a little bit . He 's certainly the baby of the family . But he 's amazing , and we 're so happy he 's in our lives . I feel like today was a victory . As much as possible we treated Malachi like a normal five year old boy , and he was seizure free yet again . I wish I didn 't react every time he trips , or makes a jerky movement but every move he makes that reminds me of a seizure makes my heart do two things , stop and then race . John said that they decided to do the MRI with out contrast and would refund us $ 300 from the $ 800 that we paid . However , the Dr might decide we have to go back and do one with contrast anyway . I hope not because that would mean that he would need an IV and try putting a needle next to Malachi , it makes him freak out . Today during the preparation the MRI technician pulled out a syringe that had a needle to measure the sleeping medicine for Malachi . We all thought it was going to be a shot and he was crying so hard , he was so scared . He stopped as soon as he was told it was only for measurement . My wonderful girlfriend did come sit with me , and I needed her at times . She gave me a big hug when she arrived and it was perfect , I needed it . Malachi walked out five minutes short of two hours after I left the imaging center . I was so happy to see him walking out of there , and he had his mind on one thing . . . food . He 'd been fasting so he was so hungry . He had a snickers bar and a box of orange juice for breakfast . Malachi 's MRI is going to take two hours . John 's in the room with him holding his hand . I can 't be there because of the pregnancy , but I don 't know that I 'd want to be there right now . I started crying when his head was being strapped in , the technician asked if I was ok . I had my back to him and nodded , I 'm not going to cry on his shoulder . I might not have been the best patient 's mom , but I wasn 't all that impressed with him . In his defense he did try to calm Malachi down when he thought there was going to be a shot . Malachi just wasn 't accepting it . . . . is easy until about three hours after their bedtime . Malachi started crying he was so sad that his dad 's video game wasn 't over and he wasn 't playing with him yet . After he calmed down and finished wiping snot all over his face he looks at me with all seriousness and says , " I 'm not tired yet . " It took a lot of energy not to laugh pretty hard at that . Our activities tonight to keep him awake have been , watching The Phantom Menace , playing a game , baking cookies , and now he and John are watching Wipeout that was recorded last night . Tomorrow morning , I think cartoons will be sufficient in keeping him awake . He has to fast though so I 'm going to have to sneak a breakfast in there somewhere so I don 't eat in front of him . We 'll leave for the hospital at about 7 : 30 and begin our morning of testing . The test is two hours long , so John and I plan on looking for some wi - fi and working on our bid list . So far what I 've seen is pretty encouraging . Unfortunately we can 't go to Algiers though because no kids over 5 are allowed because of inadequate schooling . That surprises me though , I would think they would have great schooling . It 's possible that Americans aren 't allowed at their schools though . We 're deciding what our priorities are for our next post , and mine is a good school for Malachi . I 've decided that while house help and working would be great , I can do without for a couple of years . If I 'm not working I 'm much more likely to work on finishing my bachelors in who knows what after the kids have gone to bed . When we woke up today we just chilled , Malachi woke John up at about 5 : 30 and I woke up at about 6 : 15 . Simon slept in until 8 : 00 and we decided we should start moving for the day . John got Simon out of bed and I was taking care of Malachi . I was doing makeup in Malachi 's bathroom when he was showering ( it 's hard for me to be too far from him right now ) and I heard John say I should come look at the pattern on Simon 's face . Here I thought that he laid on a stuffed animal for a long time , but when I got into our bedroom where they were I noticed the rash that was on Simon 's torso last night had spread all the way up his head and his eyes were a bit puffy . We assumed that it was a reaction to the medicine he was taking for the infections . He joined us at the Health Unit where the nurse had agreed with what we thought about Simon and was trying to get a hold of the Pediatrician to see what he wanted to do about it . She took a look in his ears and confirmed that both of them were red and a bit swollen . The Dr . decided on Zithromax for three days - good . One problem solved . While we were sitting in the reception area of the Health Unit , the Imaging center at CIMA called John 's cell phone to make an appointment for Malachi 's MRI , with contrast . We made it for Saturday morning . Throughout the day there were emails and phone calls and much confusion about what was going on . Finally John got a call from the neurologist mid - afternoon who said that we could do an EEG on Friday morning or Monday morning . They decided on Monday morning because the night before both tests he needs to stay up a couple of hours late and get up a couple of hours early . With this setup he gets to rest on Sunday . So , in conclusion . No blood tests are going to be ordered right now , an MRI is scheduled for Saturday , and an EEG is scheduled for Monday . I need to bring Malachi 's records from all of his other tests that were done a year and a half ago . I may do that tomorrow , or I just may wait until Monday since I 'll need to pass the time during the EEG . Simon is doing much better , the rash is almost completely gone . Dad is sleeping happily next to me , and I 'm going to turn in pretty soon . Tonight shortly after he finished his sucker ( he loves those btw Grandma and Grandpa ) , we were watching TV and he started making a noise . Neither John or I thought anything of it , but I glanced at him anyway and told John he was having a seizure . We got him on his side on the couch and let it run its course . It was about a minute long and even though I think it was a grand mal ( now called tonic clonic ) his body wasn 't in it . It was just his head and face . His mouth was moving as well , and he was making a gasping like noise . After he was done seizing he did a lot of groaning and he moved around a lot . By that I mean he got off the couch and was trying to walk . At one point he was sitting on the floor and moving forward . He certainly didn 't seem alert at this time , and he continued to groan . Simon was around for all of this , and I 'm sure he didn 't know what to make of it . I think he wanted to play with Malachi during the seizure . Afterwards Simon still wanted to play with Malachi . Simon was grabbing hair and even was going for his eye lashes ( he loves eye lashes ) . Malachi didn 't notice because he was in the postictal state and was basically asleep . John did get him to respond verbally to a question after he was all done moving around and had been still for a couple of minutes . We then let him go to sleep for the night . Every once in a while he would make a noise that sounds a bit like a hiccup . John called the neurologist on his cell phone and explained the situation . The Dr said that tomorrow we need to go in in the morning and that we 'll probably go see another Dr at another hospital . The first Dr . , Dr . S . said we might need to add a second medicine . We 'll see what testing is done tomorrow , hopefully it 's not traumatic for Malachi . We 'll both go to the appointment if our nanny is here before hand , I 'll wait with Simon and then take a taxi if she 's not . I have to admit that when John got the " call " to the Foreign Service in May ' 09 I got very excited about the possibilities of house help . We already knew we wanted to live in hardship places in order to get Student Loan Repayment Program ( also known as SLRP ( pronounced slurp ) , and that meant that we 'd be in a place that would make house help affordable . I loved the possibilities open to me . . . I mean , come on ! Who wants to do house work ? ! Yes , yes , you and you like doing it - but you 're rare ! I hate , and I mean hate doing housework . Then the time for packout came , and I felt really weird having someone come pack all of our things . And they had to pack ALL of our things . Partly for security and safety ( of them and our things ) and partly because they have to fill half a box with paper , even if it 's stuffed animals ( that is a Sara exaggeration of course - but they use so much paper ! ) . I did get them donuts , and I was nice to them , but it was so weird to sit around that day and watch them do work I could have done . When we lived at Oakwood it felt like living in a hotel sometimes , one of the reasons being that we had maid services every week . It felt weird at first , being home and having someone else clean the bathrooms , change the sheets and towels , clean the kitchen , and vacuum for us . But it didn 't take long to get used to and was a huge blessing in my life because of the pregnancy and then baby . When we were posted to China we knew that we 'd have an ayi ( house helper ) and were really excited . When our post changed to Costa Rica , we were a bit uncertain about house help , but were excited to learn that it was affordable after all . At first we were a bit lazy about hiring someone . We were just enjoying our new life . And then after about a month we knew . . . we just knew that we had to hire someone . The house was really dirty , and I just couldn 't keep up with the floors , which is weird , because if there 's one thing I actually like doing in the house its floors . There 's something so satisfying about it - I think it all started when I got a brand new Oreck vacuum for a wedding present from my in - laws . I just loved making the fun patterns on the carpet . . . I digress . I contacted our CLO to ask for some recommendations , and to plead with her to make the appointments because John was busy at work and my Spanish was laughable . She was nice enough to do so , even though it 's not her job . She made two appointments for that Saturday and we eagerly awaited meeting our new maid . . . well we hoped we would . The first person came in that morning and told us she traveled three hours to get there and was only looking for part time work with no kids involved . NOPE ! Sorry . She left after 10 minutes . I felt kind of bad that she came so far for nothing . Hopefully she likes being crowded in unairconditioned busses for a really long time . The second person came that morning and was really nice . She lived close and was great with the kids - who were great with her . We liked what we heard and she liked what she saw . We told her we were going to check her references and get back to her . We were really excited to find out that one of her references was a former FSO here in San Jose . Unfortunately he was on vacation the next week and didn 't answer our emails for a couple of weeks , which made me really sad because I wanted her right away . Eventually he emailed us back and said that she was great for the house and with the kids . SOLD ! We called her and asked her to start the next Monday . She originally started at Part - Time with the understanding that she would move to Full Time either after I started working or at the New Year . I quickly knew that I couldn 't live without P and that I wanted her at my house all the time . All . The . Time . My husband agreed to more hours when I wanted them , and shortly after I got my job , we moved her to almost full time , and a few weeks ago made it official that she 's here full time . I LOVE having house help . She takes great care of my kids , and loves them . I had some jealousy issues for a while , but I know that my kids are in great hands , and they always prefer me over anyone else . P is amazing and I don 't know what I would do without her . There are some challenges to having someone else do the work you used to do ( I didn 't it rarely , but I did it , and to my own standards ) . Your standards might not be the standards of the maid , they might not fold the clothes the same way either . I 've learned to not care though - she 's doing it and I 'm not . Don 't get me wrong , I will tell her if I want something changed . For instance , she wasn 't cleaning the whole toilet , just the seat and the inside ; I 've asked her to clean the whole thing . As previously mentioned , I can 't imagine my life without her . And yet , right now I 'm imagining my life without her because we may be living in a place where we can 't afford an amazing house helper at our next post . Unfortunately she has a son and won 't be able to come with us where we go next . I can only hope that we get Manila - because then everyone ( John and I ) get 's what they want . Posted by We got to the office before John , who joined us about five minutes before the appointment was supposed to start . Fifteen minutes later a woman came out ( I 'm confused about this . He 's a Pediatric Neurologist and her son was sitting alone in the waiting room . . . ) , and we were told to go in . He asked us about the event ( his English isn 't great and my Spanish isn 't great , especially in the realm of medical terms , so he and John did most of the talking together ) , getting very specific , and I felt a little foolish getting into the position that Malachi was in , but once he got an idea of what happened he did a physical exam . The physical exam was passed with flying colors , and the Dr . determined that we just needed to increase the amount of medicine that he 's given . He gave us a Rx and scheduled an appointment for April ( some Dr . 's here schedule their own appointments and then have you inform the receptionist when the appointment is ) for another check up . He reassured us that Malachi 's " attack " shouldn 't cause us any concern , and we should proceed normally ( although , who am I kidding , as much as I want to proceed normally , I 'll always be watching out of the corner of my eye to see him , and straining my ear to hear him , and occasionally calling out his name if he 's too quiet ) . Then the best part of the appointment , the announcement that no testing was needed - not even blood tests ! So . . . not only was he fine , but we didn 't have to poke or prod ! That 's definitely the best part . We ( Malachi and I ) were dreading news of blood or other tests . There were cheers from the two of us ! We left the office , and celebrated the amazing results of the afternoon , and Malachi 's great behavior by getting lunch for John and I and dessert for all three of us ! Last night I was exhausted and even though that was the case , I didn 't go to bed early enough . I did spend a great evening with my wonderful husband though . Today at work , I was so tired . I had two meetings this morning , the second one running until almost 12 : 30 . By the end of that I was very hungry and almost laying down on the table because my body was so heavy and hard to support . In the afternoon , I chose to go to a meeting just so I wouldn 't fall asleep at work . We talked about my few questions , and he did the exam : measure the belly , take the blood pressure , listen to the heart beat , weigh the big fat preggo . I say big fat preggo because I gained 3 1 / 2 kilos this month ! ! For those not familiar with the metric system that 's 7 . 71617918 pounds ! That 's way too much for one month and he said the only reason he 's not killing me is because so far I 'd lost almost that much . My net gain in half the pregnancy is only half a kilo . I go in again in about five weeks and get to have another sonogram ! I love seeing the baby ! I also love that they 're not as rigid as Dr . 's in the States about how many times I have to go in . It 's cheaper this way . At 4 : 45 this afternoon I got Simon out of his crib so we could leave for the Super Bowl party that started at 4 : 30 ( oops ) . He felt really , really hot . He had a fever this morning and we gave him Tylenol . He took an extra long nap and then afterwards felt really , really hot . I arrived at CIMA ( great private hospital about 10 - 15 minutes from our house , depending on traffic ( up to 30 minutes ) or how I drive ) and brought him to the E . R . registration . I waited about two minutes , which felt like an eternity , registered , which took about twenty seconds , and was called back in another two minutes . Simon 's temp and weight were taken and we were shown to a room . The Dr came in about two minutes later , asked some questions , did a quick exam and said there was swelling in his left ear and throat as well as some white plaque in his throat , diagnosis : infection . She gave me a Rx for the infection , and a pain relief spray for his throat . She also said to continue the Tylenol for pain and fever . I went to the Pharmacy , got his medicine and came home . Total time in the Hospital : approx . 30 minutes , Total Cost : approx $ 130 . I LOVE private medical care and cost in Costa Rica . My dear friend ( yes I feel like I can call her a friend , no I 've never met her , that 's just how it is in the State Department Blogging Community ) at A Daring Adventure is going through an atrocious situation with the Fairfax County Public School system . She closed comments on this entry in her blog and forced me to publicly chide her for being so apologetic to me and the community . http : / / adaringadventure . typepad . com / blog / 2011 / 02 / discrimination - sorrow - anger - tears - pain . html She apologized profusely to me because she hadn 't been on the blog to update the Roundup Calendar or announce my topic . I said in my roundup entry that I knew something was wrong , and I was right . To my sweet friend who is going through something horrible , please know that we in the community love you and would ( should ) never hold you to standards that we wouldn 't hold ourselves . I commend you for your restraint , knowing that I would have a very , very hard time holding myself to . When someone offends us it 's damaging , but we dust ourselves off and move on . When someone offends / hurts / damages our children we become a force to be reckoned with . My own son has been singled out in our gated community as one who shouldn 't be befriended . Three times he 's asked / attempted to play with the children here and they 've ostracized him every time . Every time I see the kids playing around the community , I glare and dream about them getting a little too close to the car as I drive out ( honestly . . . yes , then I realize that 's crazy ) . All this to say , that I understand your tears , I understand your need for restraint , and I completely understand your absence the last week and a half . When reading your post about what your son is going through and the horrible treatment you have received from the F . C . P . S . system , I cried . I cried for him , and I cried for you , who after fighting as hard as you can , can only hold him , and do no more . I know that exact feeling , and it 's one of the worst in the world . On that note , I want to thank those who 've given their support and prayers for Malachi and our family . So far he 's still seizure free during the day ( that we know of ) so we 're going ahead today as if it 's normal . John and I will take Malachi to the neurologist this week , hopefully we 'll be able to get in . Here 's what will happen : We 'll tell him it was a minor event , over short , full recovery . He 'll order blood work to check the levels of medicine in his blood , he 'll probably order another MRI and EEG ( for which I 'll probably shave his hair off because during the last EEG application through his hair was really difficult ( read this to understand , it 's the story of the previous seizure , hospitalization , tests , etc . ) ) . He 'll increase the amount of medicine Malachi receives , or add a second medicine , and send us home . Malachi may never have another seizure again , he may have another one on Tuesday . That 's one of the worst parts of this , the not knowing . Yesterday on the way to the Embassy to get John I heard a familiar noise from Malachi , and although he makes it on his own sometimes looked back to check on him . He was indeed having a seizure . I was stopped at a light but knew I needed to pull over . I said a very quick prayer and looked over to the lane next to me , it was empty - not normal during rush hour on this road - thank you God ! I told Malachi that he was ok and that I was going to pull over and get him out ( for myself of course , he was unconscious during his seizure ) . I did exactly that , there was an empty parking lot very close to me , so I pulled in and without even turning the car off , grabbed my cell from it 's uber convenient spot to time the seizure and got Malachi out very quickly . I laid his head in the crook of my arm with his body on his side . I looked at my phone to see the time and to call John . By the time I looked back down at Malachi he was closing his eyes and had stopped seizing . I think total , this event was about 30 - 45 seconds . It was very short , with no drool , and was by far the least traumatic seizure for him . Malachi didn 't even cry which is abnormal . He used to scream after a seizure . John answered the phone immediately , probably thinking I had arrived . I told him Malachi had , had a seizure and then I started crying . Between sobs I told him that it was short and he was already done . I got Malachi to respond to a question of mine , told John to call our Embassy nurse ( he couldn 't get a hold of her ) , and that I 'd be right there to pick him up . I drove to the Embassy often watching Malachi in the rear view mirror . He was definitely still in the postictal state ( Wikipedia : The postictal state is the altered state of consciousness that a person enters after experiencing a seizure . It usually lasts between 5 and 30 minutes . . . ) , and I was also in the postictal state ( read : bawling , controlling myself , bawling , etc . ) . John was waiting for us outside and when I stepped out , he gave me a big comforting hug and took over the driving . Over the course of our drive home ( about 25 minutes ) he had fully recovered and won the " race " to the door . I was a mess the rest of the night , John was my rock , Malachi was showing no sign of any seizure . He had dinner , watched a bit of T . V . , and went to bed on time . I hadn 't been able to get a hold of the nurse , but she called at 10 : 30 after she saw our missed calls . We told her what happened and that since he recovered so well , we 'd keep an eye on him this weekend , but would wait to call any Dr . or go anywhere until Monday unless he had another event this weekend . I thank God that Malachi 's ok . I thank God that I was able to pull over , and that his seizure was so short . I thank God that his recovery was full and that it happened in the " right " amount of time . So far today he 's been just his normal self . I , however , have been a little different . I actually cuddled with him for the duration of a movie . I wouldn 't normally do that , but I was just thankful to have my boy in my arms . What does that do for bidding ( getting our next job ) , you ask ? It means that we 'll probably be going to a more expensive ( read : no house help / working for me ) country that has great medical care , some possible countries are England , Sweden , Germany and Australia . We get our bid list later this week and we 'll hand it in shortly after that . I don 't know how long it will take to get our assignment after that , but I think ( hope ) we 'll know by the end of March where we 're going . That said , our roundup is quite small this week . Which is unfortunate , I was looking forward to some funny and gasp inducing stories of life abroad . The assignment was worst / best / most embarrassing stories of life as an ex - pat . My quasi prediction at the beginning of the week came true . My story DID happen this week . Luckily for me , I 'm the only one who actually experienced this story ( I think ) . I can 't imagine what would have happened to my corridor rep at Embassy San Jose if the person I was talking to actually heard me . So here 's my most embarrassing story : I recently dyed my hair dark brown . It 's a really good change , and everyone has noticed because it 's so different from the blonde highlights that I had before . One of the Locally Employed Staff in the military office , which is next to my office , stopped me as I was walking by and asked me ( in Spanish ) why I dyed my hair . I thought he asked my why I was walking . I had just returned from using the restroom and was a bit speechless . I really didn 't want to tell him , nor did I know how to say in Spanish , that I had to go to the bathroom . So I mumbled a response in English that he didn 't understand ( due to the mumbling , not the English . . . his English is great actually ) and tried to move on . I then came to find out what he was really asking and gave an embarrassed laugh as I gave my answer , which had nothing to do with going to the bathroom . The situation could 've been much worse . . . much , much worse . But thankfully I got through somewhat gracefully and my really embarrassing story is now only shared with my blog readers . . . which I don 't think includes anyone I work with , except my husband . . . and maybe not even him . |
. . . the arrival of my mother . This trip has so many firsts attached to it for her . I can 't wait to experience them with her ! John and I did a lot today in preparation and even used our oldest son to help , our youngest son tried to undo what was being done , but he 's one . We 'll let it pass for now . I haven 't taken pictures of Malachi 's room all finished , but posted a picture of Simon 's room on Facebook . Not only did I paint this week , but we had curtains made for our first floor . They 're thin - ish , wispy curtains that weren 't too expensive and really add a lot to our first floor . It 's amazing what projects get done when you 're about to have a visitor . I think we 're done with projects though . We have about 14 months left to enjoy the work that 's been done , and enjoy it we will ! Quick update . . . Malachi seems to still be recovering a bit , his appetite isn 't what it normally is . But he hasn 't been sick since the other night , and no sign of seizures either . His neurologist said that stomach bugs can aggravate / cause seizures so we shouldn 't worry . Malachi 's teacher called at 2 : 30 and asked if I was the one picking Malachi up . I said yes and that I was getting ready to leave . She told me that since lunch he 'd been complaining about an upset stomach , and had been crying for Mommy for a while . When I got there he wasn 't playing with friends , he was sitting in a chair waiting for me . I talked a bit to his teacher and we went home . Right after I 'd opened his door and grabbed his backpack he said " I don 't feel good " and then proceeded to puke in the backseat of the car . Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening he puked another five times . He can 't hold down anything . We put him to bed before 8 : 00 after about an hour of being puke free . We brought an extra crib mattress that we have in the house into our room and put it next to our bed so he wouldn 't have to walk across the house to tell us that he got sick . I came downstairs to watch T . V . and John stayed upstairs to play a video game . I heard John call out Malachi 's name and go into our room and then heard silence . I knew that since I didn 't hear the door close , or crying and puking it meant seizure , but since I didn 't hear anything I didn 't want to jump to conclusions . John made his way downstairs and told me that in fact he did have a small seizure . Not a partial , just a short grand mal . No drool , and quite short . Neither of us is very surprised really since his little body and mind have been under a ton of stress since about 3 : 00 today . Not only has he puked six times , but he has no nourishment because he can 't keep anything down . Poor guy . Luckily he did wait long enough to puke the last time that his medicine should have been digested . John 's going to email the Neurologist in the morning and give him the details . I had already emailed his teacher and told her that he wouldn 't be in school . I have a work thing tomorrow , I guess I may not be able to make it to . Of course , after a night of rest , all may be better . I wrote my Senators today . I 've never done that before . Sure I used someone 's letter and then made it my own , but I still went through the effort . I had to . The House of Representatives passed HR1 , and if Senate passes it we 'll have a 16 % cut in our pay right now . If the President is going to freeze everyone 's pay for two years that 's fine . If Senate is going to shut down the WHOLE government because they need to then fine . But HR1 only applies to Foreign Service Officers - and only those overseas . My question is why ? Why pick on one of the smallest groups in the U . S . Government ? Some of us are serving in expensive countries , some of us are serving in dangerous countries ( and yes I understand we get compensation for those specific things , but . . . ) and cutting our pay is going to make a lot of people angry . And if you 're cutting pay then there 's a chance it will be difficult to get some Officers and their families to go overseas . I know that a 16 % cut in pay is going to hurt in Costa Rica . . . it is NOT cheap here ! So please write to your Senator . Tell them that you 'd like them to NOT pass HR1 . I 've wanted to paint rooms in our apartments for a long time . When we lived in Dallas we weren 't allowed , so it was an unrealized dream . When we arrived in San Jose I found out that if we wanted to paint the house that was fine , but we 'd need to have it painted back - SOLD ! The living room and dining room were painted less than six weeks after moving here . I 've thought for the last 10 months that it would be really nice to have the bedrooms painted as well . With # 3 coming the desire to paint has gotten stronger . So this past weekend Malachi , Simon , and I went to EPA , a Superferreteria ( think Lowes ) , I had the colors for Simon and the baby 's room picked out , and I asked Malachi what he wanted ( WARNING : Never let your 5 year old pick the colors , unless your 5 year old has an uncanny way with colors ) . We bought the paint , and some painting tools and took them home . We originally had plans to go to the beach on Monday ( was that just yesterday ? ) with our day off but with the highway closing none of us wanted to make the trek . So Monday turned into painting day , a . k . a . killing Sara 's body day . I started at about 7 : 30 a . m . and I taped and primed the walls . Then once that was dry , I had John help me put tape up to mark where the third color ( the horizontal stripe ) would go . Then I painted the two main colors in both of the rooms . In total that was one coat of primer in both rooms and four different colors between the two rooms . With all of the bending , squatting , standing , stretching , taping , and painting my body was so over it by the end of the day , which was shortly before 6 : 00 p . m . . . I think . I was so , so happy that we had already scheduled a masseuse to come . By the time I cleaned myself up , John was half way through his massage . I started reading The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison . When I reached page 25 , the masseuse was ready for me . I had an amazing one hour massage and shortly after went into a deep sleep until Malachi came in this morning at 5 : 40 . I had a busy day at work today and came home with a headache and nausea , but I decided to do the second coats in Malachi 's room before dinner anyway . Out of breath and with a worsened headache and nausea I sat down at 6 : 00 p . m . and after a bit went for the Panadol ( acetaminophen ) . Pizza was delivered about two hours from ordering , and was enjoyed by the whole family . The kids went to bed , and I 've been watching recorded episodes of Chuck and Castle and writing this blog during that . Now . . . I 'm ready for bed . Friday night John watched Simon while Malachi and I went to Multiplaza ( the local mall ) . There 's a place there , full of large bounce house like activities , where you can drop off your child to play while you go shop . OR . . . you can take your child and watch them play . If they 're under 4 you can go play with them . I had to sit outside and watch , but after he had a pretty good time . At first he didn 't really know what to do or who to play with , and a little boy then yelled at him , and that certainly didn 't help . Finally he watched another little boy do something , to which Malachi copied and then continued doing for 10 minutes , over , and over , and over . He eventually found a little girl to play with and spent the remainder of his time with her . After about 40 minutes I told him it was time to go eat dinner . He wanted McDonald 's , and since I 've recently been on a no McDonald 's kick I said no . However , I don 't know if I picked something that was healthier for us . I took him to Oui Oui Crepes , he had a nutella crepe and I had a banana and chocolate crepe . After he stuffed his mouth full , didn 't chew properly , and started chocking he got the hang of eating the crepe and enjoyed it . His came with M & M 's which he thought was pretty special . After that we went home and he went to bed . Last night John and I went out on a date . We were supposed to go to a movie and then dancing with some friends , but our maid told me when she got here that she had to leave early . She wanted to be home by 9 : 00 , she had a good reason but I was pissed . I told her when we scheduled for last night that we were going to be out late . The dancing didn 't start until 9 : 30 . I didn 't say anything to her about it for a couple of reasons . One , I didn 't know if my Spanish was good enough to convey what I was feeling , and two , I didn 't want to let my anger rule what I said . I was determined to not let my anger towards P ruin what I could have with John . We had a good time at the movie , and then headed home . I told P before we left that we already had tickets and that the movie will be done around 9 : 00 , and we 'd head straight home . We did just that , and when we got home Malachi was still up . . . not good . Malachi shouldn 't have been up that late ! She knows that he goes to bed by no later than 8 : 00 on the weekends , she 's babysat enough to know that . sigh Next time I guess I 'll just have to be more thorough in giving her directions for the evening . Or . . . I could arrange for someone else to babysit . Malachi 's test results came back normal for an epileptic . We have digital and hard copies of both of the tests for the future if we ever need them . The neurologist didn 't add a second medicine or increase the dosage more than what he already did last week . He 's still hopeful that Malachi will grow out of the seizures . Simon 's well check went really well . He 's 22 lbs and 24 inches long with a 19 inch head . He 's just over 90 % for length and just over 50 % for weight , which is common at this age because of how much he 's moving around now . He of course has the big Emery ( my mom 's side of my side ) head , I 've blessed both my kids with that . He passed his exam with flying colors . The scar from the growth removal is healing really well as well . After even a short time at work today I felt so much better . I talked to a friend for about 20 minutes about where we 'll be next ( don 't know . . . ) . That with the knowledge that it 's now been a week since Malachi 's had a seizure , the large amount of crying done over the last two days , and all of the prayers and good thoughts sent my way , I think I 'm finally getting better . I know I am . Today I had a breakdown . Not that I haven 't had a few in the last eleven days , but this was like a real breakdown . First came the stress cry that I got under control after only about five minutes ( that 's a really long time to cry ) , and then my body and especially my brain only did what was necessary . During the kids ' naps I went to my " happy place . " I was somewhat blissfully happy for a little bit because my brain wouldn 't allow anything else . Then I returned to reality and fell into some crying , although this time instead of being in the " privacy " of the car with John and Malachi , I was at Malachi 's school with all of his friends and their parents for the Valentine 's Party / Presentation . It was very hard for me to control myself there . I almost wasn 't able to do it a few times . My husband was gracious enough to make dinner ( well he usually does , but I think he could sense my utter lack of willingness to do it ) and after the kids went to bed I drew a bath , lit some candles , and read a book ( my " happy place " ) . I 've made it known that sometime soon I need dinner and a movie out with a girlfriend . I 'm sure I 'll get that with no contest . Just for a quick update : Malachi 's EEG went well . The Dr . will got the results to both tests tonight . We 're apparently meeting with him on Thursday at 2 : 00 but were only informed of this through the Embassy nurse who was informed by our neurologist . I was supposed to bring him the previous test results ( the ones done 19 months ago ) but when I went to their office today it was closed . . . at 10 : 00 a . m . They don 't hold normal office hours here . . . anyway , I digress . So he has nothing to compare them with because I have to work the next two days . Oh well . He 'll tell us that there was nothing on the MRI and the EEG and we 'll tell him that 's what happened last time . Simon 's still teething the 8th tooth , which came in one day last week , but other than that , he 's great . Thank God . # 3 is moving a ton and I can even now feel him punch and kick at the same time . He 's strong too , it 's starting to get a bit . . . uncomfortable . Less than half way to go ! Malachi had a few partial seizures this morning . We kept an extra close eye on him today since the last grand mal he had was precluded by a partial . Thankfully though , there was no grand mal . We stayed at home all day until 7 : 00 p . m . when Malachi and I went to the store to get a few things . Then we had a good time staying up until 10 . We watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition , talked to John 's parents for a while , and then did dishes together . Those things with the grocery shopping and getting ready for bed equaled the three hours that we had to keep him up . He 's been very excited about staying up late and getting up early , we 'll see how excited he really is at 4 : 00 a . m . when John gets him . Tomorrow 's test will be very different . It 's only going to be 30 - 40 minutes long and they want active and sentient brain activity so he will be falling asleep at some point . He also won 't be so restricted . He won 't be able to move around a lot , but he won 't have to redo parts of his test because he moved . The Dr . should get the results from the MRI tomorrow , best case scenario is that there 's no change . I don 't know when he 'll get results from the EEG . Last time we did a short EEG like this there was no seizure activity on the test . Even when we did the long test there was no seizure activity . So we 'll see if they can find anything this time . John missed work on Thursday and is going to miss part of the day tomorrow , but we 'll bring him to work when we leave the hospital . Malachi 's not going to be in school in the morning but we 're going to the Valentine 's Day Party at his school at 2 : 00 . We still don 't know if he 'll be going to school on Tuesday . We have much to discuss . I had a few prayers to God about Simon 's birth and every one of them was answered . My epidural wasn 't as good as with Malachi 's labor and delivery , but it did help a bit . The labor started on Saturday the 12th and he was born at 1 : 54 p . m . ( EST ) and weight 8 lbs . 4 oz . and was 21 inches long . He passed all of the newborn tests and was cleared to be with us . He cried a lot that first day , but was amazing to us . His blood work and eventually his skin showed that he was jaundiced . The doctors said it was because our blood types conflicted . So he spent the remainder of our time in the hospital in the UV bed getting his tan on . Unfortunately we didn 't get a picture of this . He was pretty cute laying in the bed with his eye protectors on . The first few days we were definitely in our honeymoon phase . We loved our new life with our two boys . Simon didn 't wake up every two hours because of the jaundice - and he had a big appetite , I couldn 't keep up with it and had to supplement . I was also supplementing because the jaundice wasn 't going away the way we 'd hoped it would . Finally the jaundice was gone , and so were we . Simon handled our travel to TX like a champ , sleeping the whole way on the flight from D . C . He met our friends in Dallas , and then after a couple of days in Houston for Daddy 's work , he slept through another flight to Costa Rica . He 's grown and developed at a rate completely new to John and I , and was wearing his brother 's 18 month clothing at 10 months ( partly because he was huge , partly because of clothing shrinkage ) . Before that , his development ( laughing , smiling , cooing , talking , rolling , sitting , etc . ) seemed a bit early if not right on time . His first tooth came in at 5 months , 3 weeks , and his next tooth came in a few days later . His next two teeth didn 't come in until he was eight months old , and he 's slowly been teething since then . He now has eight teeth and it seems his first molar is forming and going to come in . Learning to crawl was difficult for him because of our tile and wood flooring that offered no traction . He did the army crawl for a long time and finally mastered crawling at about ten months old . Shortly after that he started to " cruise " around our furniture and now will take a couple of steps between pieces with confidence , but no more than that . In January of 2011 Simon enjoyed his first ever vacation in Minnesota . The cold didn 't seem to bother him nearly as much as it did his mother . He met his Grandpa on his mommy 's side for the first time as well as many extended family members and some friends that mommy 's had for many years ( one friend mommy has had for almost 27 years ) . He really enjoyed flying and was just like his brother was at that age . He 's had two colds and one infection ( throat and ear ) but otherwise has been healthy over the last year . He 's a bit of an attention hog , and cries even if he 's fallen just a little bit . He 's certainly the baby of the family . But he 's amazing , and we 're so happy he 's in our lives . I feel like today was a victory . As much as possible we treated Malachi like a normal five year old boy , and he was seizure free yet again . I wish I didn 't react every time he trips , or makes a jerky movement but every move he makes that reminds me of a seizure makes my heart do two things , stop and then race . John said that they decided to do the MRI with out contrast and would refund us $ 300 from the $ 800 that we paid . However , the Dr might decide we have to go back and do one with contrast anyway . I hope not because that would mean that he would need an IV and try putting a needle next to Malachi , it makes him freak out . Today during the preparation the MRI technician pulled out a syringe that had a needle to measure the sleeping medicine for Malachi . We all thought it was going to be a shot and he was crying so hard , he was so scared . He stopped as soon as he was told it was only for measurement . My wonderful girlfriend did come sit with me , and I needed her at times . She gave me a big hug when she arrived and it was perfect , I needed it . Malachi walked out five minutes short of two hours after I left the imaging center . I was so happy to see him walking out of there , and he had his mind on one thing . . . food . He 'd been fasting so he was so hungry . He had a snickers bar and a box of orange juice for breakfast . Malachi 's MRI is going to take two hours . John 's in the room with him holding his hand . I can 't be there because of the pregnancy , but I don 't know that I 'd want to be there right now . I started crying when his head was being strapped in , the technician asked if I was ok . I had my back to him and nodded , I 'm not going to cry on his shoulder . I might not have been the best patient 's mom , but I wasn 't all that impressed with him . In his defense he did try to calm Malachi down when he thought there was going to be a shot . Malachi just wasn 't accepting it . . . . is easy until about three hours after their bedtime . Malachi started crying he was so sad that his dad 's video game wasn 't over and he wasn 't playing with him yet . After he calmed down and finished wiping snot all over his face he looks at me with all seriousness and says , " I 'm not tired yet . " It took a lot of energy not to laugh pretty hard at that . Our activities tonight to keep him awake have been , watching The Phantom Menace , playing a game , baking cookies , and now he and John are watching Wipeout that was recorded last night . Tomorrow morning , I think cartoons will be sufficient in keeping him awake . He has to fast though so I 'm going to have to sneak a breakfast in there somewhere so I don 't eat in front of him . We 'll leave for the hospital at about 7 : 30 and begin our morning of testing . The test is two hours long , so John and I plan on looking for some wi - fi and working on our bid list . So far what I 've seen is pretty encouraging . Unfortunately we can 't go to Algiers though because no kids over 5 are allowed because of inadequate schooling . That surprises me though , I would think they would have great schooling . It 's possible that Americans aren 't allowed at their schools though . We 're deciding what our priorities are for our next post , and mine is a good school for Malachi . I 've decided that while house help and working would be great , I can do without for a couple of years . If I 'm not working I 'm much more likely to work on finishing my bachelors in who knows what after the kids have gone to bed . When we woke up today we just chilled , Malachi woke John up at about 5 : 30 and I woke up at about 6 : 15 . Simon slept in until 8 : 00 and we decided we should start moving for the day . John got Simon out of bed and I was taking care of Malachi . I was doing makeup in Malachi 's bathroom when he was showering ( it 's hard for me to be too far from him right now ) and I heard John say I should come look at the pattern on Simon 's face . Here I thought that he laid on a stuffed animal for a long time , but when I got into our bedroom where they were I noticed the rash that was on Simon 's torso last night had spread all the way up his head and his eyes were a bit puffy . We assumed that it was a reaction to the medicine he was taking for the infections . He joined us at the Health Unit where the nurse had agreed with what we thought about Simon and was trying to get a hold of the Pediatrician to see what he wanted to do about it . She took a look in his ears and confirmed that both of them were red and a bit swollen . The Dr . decided on Zithromax for three days - good . One problem solved . While we were sitting in the reception area of the Health Unit , the Imaging center at CIMA called John 's cell phone to make an appointment for Malachi 's MRI , with contrast . We made it for Saturday morning . Throughout the day there were emails and phone calls and much confusion about what was going on . Finally John got a call from the neurologist mid - afternoon who said that we could do an EEG on Friday morning or Monday morning . They decided on Monday morning because the night before both tests he needs to stay up a couple of hours late and get up a couple of hours early . With this setup he gets to rest on Sunday . So , in conclusion . No blood tests are going to be ordered right now , an MRI is scheduled for Saturday , and an EEG is scheduled for Monday . I need to bring Malachi 's records from all of his other tests that were done a year and a half ago . I may do that tomorrow , or I just may wait until Monday since I 'll need to pass the time during the EEG . Simon is doing much better , the rash is almost completely gone . Dad is sleeping happily next to me , and I 'm going to turn in pretty soon . Tonight shortly after he finished his sucker ( he loves those btw Grandma and Grandpa ) , we were watching TV and he started making a noise . Neither John or I thought anything of it , but I glanced at him anyway and told John he was having a seizure . We got him on his side on the couch and let it run its course . It was about a minute long and even though I think it was a grand mal ( now called tonic clonic ) his body wasn 't in it . It was just his head and face . His mouth was moving as well , and he was making a gasping like noise . After he was done seizing he did a lot of groaning and he moved around a lot . By that I mean he got off the couch and was trying to walk . At one point he was sitting on the floor and moving forward . He certainly didn 't seem alert at this time , and he continued to groan . Simon was around for all of this , and I 'm sure he didn 't know what to make of it . I think he wanted to play with Malachi during the seizure . Afterwards Simon still wanted to play with Malachi . Simon was grabbing hair and even was going for his eye lashes ( he loves eye lashes ) . Malachi didn 't notice because he was in the postictal state and was basically asleep . John did get him to respond verbally to a question after he was all done moving around and had been still for a couple of minutes . We then let him go to sleep for the night . Every once in a while he would make a noise that sounds a bit like a hiccup . John called the neurologist on his cell phone and explained the situation . The Dr said that tomorrow we need to go in in the morning and that we 'll probably go see another Dr at another hospital . The first Dr . , Dr . S . said we might need to add a second medicine . We 'll see what testing is done tomorrow , hopefully it 's not traumatic for Malachi . We 'll both go to the appointment if our nanny is here before hand , I 'll wait with Simon and then take a taxi if she 's not . I have to admit that when John got the " call " to the Foreign Service in May ' 09 I got very excited about the possibilities of house help . We already knew we wanted to live in hardship places in order to get Student Loan Repayment Program ( also known as SLRP ( pronounced slurp ) , and that meant that we 'd be in a place that would make house help affordable . I loved the possibilities open to me . . . I mean , come on ! Who wants to do house work ? ! Yes , yes , you and you like doing it - but you 're rare ! I hate , and I mean hate doing housework . Then the time for packout came , and I felt really weird having someone come pack all of our things . And they had to pack ALL of our things . Partly for security and safety ( of them and our things ) and partly because they have to fill half a box with paper , even if it 's stuffed animals ( that is a Sara exaggeration of course - but they use so much paper ! ) . I did get them donuts , and I was nice to them , but it was so weird to sit around that day and watch them do work I could have done . When we lived at Oakwood it felt like living in a hotel sometimes , one of the reasons being that we had maid services every week . It felt weird at first , being home and having someone else clean the bathrooms , change the sheets and towels , clean the kitchen , and vacuum for us . But it didn 't take long to get used to and was a huge blessing in my life because of the pregnancy and then baby . When we were posted to China we knew that we 'd have an ayi ( house helper ) and were really excited . When our post changed to Costa Rica , we were a bit uncertain about house help , but were excited to learn that it was affordable after all . At first we were a bit lazy about hiring someone . We were just enjoying our new life . And then after about a month we knew . . . we just knew that we had to hire someone . The house was really dirty , and I just couldn 't keep up with the floors , which is weird , because if there 's one thing I actually like doing in the house its floors . There 's something so satisfying about it - I think it all started when I got a brand new Oreck vacuum for a wedding present from my in - laws . I just loved making the fun patterns on the carpet . . . I digress . I contacted our CLO to ask for some recommendations , and to plead with her to make the appointments because John was busy at work and my Spanish was laughable . She was nice enough to do so , even though it 's not her job . She made two appointments for that Saturday and we eagerly awaited meeting our new maid . . . well we hoped we would . The first person came in that morning and told us she traveled three hours to get there and was only looking for part time work with no kids involved . NOPE ! Sorry . She left after 10 minutes . I felt kind of bad that she came so far for nothing . Hopefully she likes being crowded in unairconditioned busses for a really long time . The second person came that morning and was really nice . She lived close and was great with the kids - who were great with her . We liked what we heard and she liked what she saw . We told her we were going to check her references and get back to her . We were really excited to find out that one of her references was a former FSO here in San Jose . Unfortunately he was on vacation the next week and didn 't answer our emails for a couple of weeks , which made me really sad because I wanted her right away . Eventually he emailed us back and said that she was great for the house and with the kids . SOLD ! We called her and asked her to start the next Monday . She originally started at Part - Time with the understanding that she would move to Full Time either after I started working or at the New Year . I quickly knew that I couldn 't live without P and that I wanted her at my house all the time . All . The . Time . My husband agreed to more hours when I wanted them , and shortly after I got my job , we moved her to almost full time , and a few weeks ago made it official that she 's here full time . I LOVE having house help . She takes great care of my kids , and loves them . I had some jealousy issues for a while , but I know that my kids are in great hands , and they always prefer me over anyone else . P is amazing and I don 't know what I would do without her . There are some challenges to having someone else do the work you used to do ( I didn 't it rarely , but I did it , and to my own standards ) . Your standards might not be the standards of the maid , they might not fold the clothes the same way either . I 've learned to not care though - she 's doing it and I 'm not . Don 't get me wrong , I will tell her if I want something changed . For instance , she wasn 't cleaning the whole toilet , just the seat and the inside ; I 've asked her to clean the whole thing . As previously mentioned , I can 't imagine my life without her . And yet , right now I 'm imagining my life without her because we may be living in a place where we can 't afford an amazing house helper at our next post . Unfortunately she has a son and won 't be able to come with us where we go next . I can only hope that we get Manila - because then everyone ( John and I ) get 's what they want . Posted by We got to the office before John , who joined us about five minutes before the appointment was supposed to start . Fifteen minutes later a woman came out ( I 'm confused about this . He 's a Pediatric Neurologist and her son was sitting alone in the waiting room . . . ) , and we were told to go in . He asked us about the event ( his English isn 't great and my Spanish isn 't great , especially in the realm of medical terms , so he and John did most of the talking together ) , getting very specific , and I felt a little foolish getting into the position that Malachi was in , but once he got an idea of what happened he did a physical exam . The physical exam was passed with flying colors , and the Dr . determined that we just needed to increase the amount of medicine that he 's given . He gave us a Rx and scheduled an appointment for April ( some Dr . 's here schedule their own appointments and then have you inform the receptionist when the appointment is ) for another check up . He reassured us that Malachi 's " attack " shouldn 't cause us any concern , and we should proceed normally ( although , who am I kidding , as much as I want to proceed normally , I 'll always be watching out of the corner of my eye to see him , and straining my ear to hear him , and occasionally calling out his name if he 's too quiet ) . Then the best part of the appointment , the announcement that no testing was needed - not even blood tests ! So . . . not only was he fine , but we didn 't have to poke or prod ! That 's definitely the best part . We ( Malachi and I ) were dreading news of blood or other tests . There were cheers from the two of us ! We left the office , and celebrated the amazing results of the afternoon , and Malachi 's great behavior by getting lunch for John and I and dessert for all three of us ! Last night I was exhausted and even though that was the case , I didn 't go to bed early enough . I did spend a great evening with my wonderful husband though . Today at work , I was so tired . I had two meetings this morning , the second one running until almost 12 : 30 . By the end of that I was very hungry and almost laying down on the table because my body was so heavy and hard to support . In the afternoon , I chose to go to a meeting just so I wouldn 't fall asleep at work . We talked about my few questions , and he did the exam : measure the belly , take the blood pressure , listen to the heart beat , weigh the big fat preggo . I say big fat preggo because I gained 3 1 / 2 kilos this month ! ! For those not familiar with the metric system that 's 7 . 71617918 pounds ! That 's way too much for one month and he said the only reason he 's not killing me is because so far I 'd lost almost that much . My net gain in half the pregnancy is only half a kilo . I go in again in about five weeks and get to have another sonogram ! I love seeing the baby ! I also love that they 're not as rigid as Dr . 's in the States about how many times I have to go in . It 's cheaper this way . At 4 : 45 this afternoon I got Simon out of his crib so we could leave for the Super Bowl party that started at 4 : 30 ( oops ) . He felt really , really hot . He had a fever this morning and we gave him Tylenol . He took an extra long nap and then afterwards felt really , really hot . I arrived at CIMA ( great private hospital about 10 - 15 minutes from our house , depending on traffic ( up to 30 minutes ) or how I drive ) and brought him to the E . R . registration . I waited about two minutes , which felt like an eternity , registered , which took about twenty seconds , and was called back in another two minutes . Simon 's temp and weight were taken and we were shown to a room . The Dr came in about two minutes later , asked some questions , did a quick exam and said there was swelling in his left ear and throat as well as some white plaque in his throat , diagnosis : infection . She gave me a Rx for the infection , and a pain relief spray for his throat . She also said to continue the Tylenol for pain and fever . I went to the Pharmacy , got his medicine and came home . Total time in the Hospital : approx . 30 minutes , Total Cost : approx $ 130 . I LOVE private medical care and cost in Costa Rica . My dear friend ( yes I feel like I can call her a friend , no I 've never met her , that 's just how it is in the State Department Blogging Community ) at A Daring Adventure is going through an atrocious situation with the Fairfax County Public School system . She closed comments on this entry in her blog and forced me to publicly chide her for being so apologetic to me and the community . http : / / adaringadventure . typepad . com / blog / 2011 / 02 / discrimination - sorrow - anger - tears - pain . html She apologized profusely to me because she hadn 't been on the blog to update the Roundup Calendar or announce my topic . I said in my roundup entry that I knew something was wrong , and I was right . To my sweet friend who is going through something horrible , please know that we in the community love you and would ( should ) never hold you to standards that we wouldn 't hold ourselves . I commend you for your restraint , knowing that I would have a very , very hard time holding myself to . When someone offends us it 's damaging , but we dust ourselves off and move on . When someone offends / hurts / damages our children we become a force to be reckoned with . My own son has been singled out in our gated community as one who shouldn 't be befriended . Three times he 's asked / attempted to play with the children here and they 've ostracized him every time . Every time I see the kids playing around the community , I glare and dream about them getting a little too close to the car as I drive out ( honestly . . . yes , then I realize that 's crazy ) . All this to say , that I understand your tears , I understand your need for restraint , and I completely understand your absence the last week and a half . When reading your post about what your son is going through and the horrible treatment you have received from the F . C . P . S . system , I cried . I cried for him , and I cried for you , who after fighting as hard as you can , can only hold him , and do no more . I know that exact feeling , and it 's one of the worst in the world . On that note , I want to thank those who 've given their support and prayers for Malachi and our family . So far he 's still seizure free during the day ( that we know of ) so we 're going ahead today as if it 's normal . John and I will take Malachi to the neurologist this week , hopefully we 'll be able to get in . Here 's what will happen : We 'll tell him it was a minor event , over short , full recovery . He 'll order blood work to check the levels of medicine in his blood , he 'll probably order another MRI and EEG ( for which I 'll probably shave his hair off because during the last EEG application through his hair was really difficult ( read this to understand , it 's the story of the previous seizure , hospitalization , tests , etc . ) ) . He 'll increase the amount of medicine Malachi receives , or add a second medicine , and send us home . Malachi may never have another seizure again , he may have another one on Tuesday . That 's one of the worst parts of this , the not knowing . Yesterday on the way to the Embassy to get John I heard a familiar noise from Malachi , and although he makes it on his own sometimes looked back to check on him . He was indeed having a seizure . I was stopped at a light but knew I needed to pull over . I said a very quick prayer and looked over to the lane next to me , it was empty - not normal during rush hour on this road - thank you God ! I told Malachi that he was ok and that I was going to pull over and get him out ( for myself of course , he was unconscious during his seizure ) . I did exactly that , there was an empty parking lot very close to me , so I pulled in and without even turning the car off , grabbed my cell from it 's uber convenient spot to time the seizure and got Malachi out very quickly . I laid his head in the crook of my arm with his body on his side . I looked at my phone to see the time and to call John . By the time I looked back down at Malachi he was closing his eyes and had stopped seizing . I think total , this event was about 30 - 45 seconds . It was very short , with no drool , and was by far the least traumatic seizure for him . Malachi didn 't even cry which is abnormal . He used to scream after a seizure . John answered the phone immediately , probably thinking I had arrived . I told him Malachi had , had a seizure and then I started crying . Between sobs I told him that it was short and he was already done . I got Malachi to respond to a question of mine , told John to call our Embassy nurse ( he couldn 't get a hold of her ) , and that I 'd be right there to pick him up . I drove to the Embassy often watching Malachi in the rear view mirror . He was definitely still in the postictal state ( Wikipedia : The postictal state is the altered state of consciousness that a person enters after experiencing a seizure . It usually lasts between 5 and 30 minutes . . . ) , and I was also in the postictal state ( read : bawling , controlling myself , bawling , etc . ) . John was waiting for us outside and when I stepped out , he gave me a big comforting hug and took over the driving . Over the course of our drive home ( about 25 minutes ) he had fully recovered and won the " race " to the door . I was a mess the rest of the night , John was my rock , Malachi was showing no sign of any seizure . He had dinner , watched a bit of T . V . , and went to bed on time . I hadn 't been able to get a hold of the nurse , but she called at 10 : 30 after she saw our missed calls . We told her what happened and that since he recovered so well , we 'd keep an eye on him this weekend , but would wait to call any Dr . or go anywhere until Monday unless he had another event this weekend . I thank God that Malachi 's ok . I thank God that I was able to pull over , and that his seizure was so short . I thank God that his recovery was full and that it happened in the " right " amount of time . So far today he 's been just his normal self . I , however , have been a little different . I actually cuddled with him for the duration of a movie . I wouldn 't normally do that , but I was just thankful to have my boy in my arms . What does that do for bidding ( getting our next job ) , you ask ? It means that we 'll probably be going to a more expensive ( read : no house help / working for me ) country that has great medical care , some possible countries are England , Sweden , Germany and Australia . We get our bid list later this week and we 'll hand it in shortly after that . I don 't know how long it will take to get our assignment after that , but I think ( hope ) we 'll know by the end of March where we 're going . That said , our roundup is quite small this week . Which is unfortunate , I was looking forward to some funny and gasp inducing stories of life abroad . The assignment was worst / best / most embarrassing stories of life as an ex - pat . My quasi prediction at the beginning of the week came true . My story DID happen this week . Luckily for me , I 'm the only one who actually experienced this story ( I think ) . I can 't imagine what would have happened to my corridor rep at Embassy San Jose if the person I was talking to actually heard me . So here 's my most embarrassing story : I recently dyed my hair dark brown . It 's a really good change , and everyone has noticed because it 's so different from the blonde highlights that I had before . One of the Locally Employed Staff in the military office , which is next to my office , stopped me as I was walking by and asked me ( in Spanish ) why I dyed my hair . I thought he asked my why I was walking . I had just returned from using the restroom and was a bit speechless . I really didn 't want to tell him , nor did I know how to say in Spanish , that I had to go to the bathroom . So I mumbled a response in English that he didn 't understand ( due to the mumbling , not the English . . . his English is great actually ) and tried to move on . I then came to find out what he was really asking and gave an embarrassed laugh as I gave my answer , which had nothing to do with going to the bathroom . The situation could 've been much worse . . . much , much worse . But thankfully I got through somewhat gracefully and my really embarrassing story is now only shared with my blog readers . . . which I don 't think includes anyone I work with , except my husband . . . and maybe not even him . |
Okay , so obviously this is not about my first horseback ride . No , this is about the first ride on Sunshine after her injection of ECP . I honestly wasn 't expecting a miracle ( thank goodness , since I didn 't get one ! ) . And I honestly wasn 't disappointed , either . The injection was done on Thursday evening , and it just didn 't work out the next 2 days for me to ride . I can 't remember what happened on Friday , but Saturday was way too hot during the day for an out - of - shape horse and rider to be working . I had planned to ride Saturday evening , but of course right after I dropped C off at Mama 's it started raining . I will ride in the rain if it starts when I 'm already on ( as long as its not a heavy rain ) , but I won 't start in it . Yesterday , the stars aligned and I was able to escape outside for an hour ! I borrowed a toddler cot for C ( in hopes that it would help her nap without being held ) , and lo and behold , it was magical all weekend . Saturday afternoon she slept for almost 2 hours in it , and yesterday for almost 3 . P also took a long nap yesterday , so around 3 I snuck outside . Yes , it was the hot part of the day , but a storm cloud was coming , and it was cooling off a little . It was still 90 degrees , but there was a nice breeze so it didn 't feel so terrible . I knew if I waited til later in the evening it would be raining ( and it did rain , a LOT - while I was feeding the horses ! haha ) , so I had to take the opportunity when it arose . I had read on Friday that trot poles and cavalletti are good for strengthening a horses ' stifles , so that was my plan . I forgot to set up the ring before I got Sunshine out , but I got her ready ( man , I need to clean my nasty tack ! its a disgrace ) and just ground - tied her while I set everything up . ( If your horse is not trained to ground tie , DO IT ! Its the best thing ever . My horses are not 100 % trained like this , meaning it doesn 't work everywhere , but in the arena they will stand perfectly still - without eating grass - until I 'm ready for them . So nice . ) Anyway , I set up a line of trot poles , a tiny cross rail , and then I used my cool cavalletti thingys to set up some more raised trot poles . Technically , they are jumps ( I think they 're 18 inches , maybe less ) , but Sunshine will not actually jump anything less than 2 feet . My goal was not to get her to jump , but to get her to really pick her legs up and work . I can tell she 's really out of shape . She . was . so . SLOW ! I was hot and sweaty just form the warm up , trying to keep her moving . Granted , it was 90 degrees , but she is outside 24 / 7 , so she should be used to the heat . Once she realized she had to focus on poles , she perked up a little ( that girl loves to jump ! ) , but I still had to give her a lot of leg to keep a good tempo . I was pretty pleased with how she picked up her feet . She knocked the poles several times , but most of the time that was due to me not having the spacing between poles correct . Next time , I 'll correct that . I wasn 't sure how much of the pole work I should do with her . I mean , she is pretty out of shape , but I 'm not sure how hard it is for a horse to do that , you know ? Admittedly , I 've never spent much time with trot poles and raised poles like this . When I was " teaching " Sunshine to jump years ago , I figured out quickly that it had to be at least 2 feet for her to even consider jumping , and even then sometimes she would just take a big step over it ( now , knock it on up to 2 " 6 ' or so and she would fly over them poles ! ) , so we didn 't spend much time at all on low poles . Its boring to me . With Wiley , I 've done a ton of trot poles , cause he needs the help with focusing on where to place his feet . But its never been boring with him because he really needed the exercise . Does that make sense ? Anyway , I didn 't want to push it since it was so hot and its been a while since Sunshine has been actually worked . I have no idea how long I rode since I didn 't have a watch or my phone with me . After I decided we were done with the poles , I decided to try for the canter . My vet said to keep trying . I was actually able to get a few canter strides in both directions ! It wasn 't pretty at all , and it wasn 't easy by any means , but it was better than the last time I rode her . She didn 't want to get into the right lead , which is normal for her . But she did it after I insisted , it just took her a few steps longer than it should have . I felt like it was progress , though ! This issue is gonna be a hard one to gauge , because its not like I can just observe her in the pasture to see if she 's still lame . And with it being so hot and muggy , none of the horses feel like running much anyway . The only way I can tell if she 's improving is to get on her and ride her . I briefly thought about getting up early this morning to ride , but I was so exhausted from yesterday that I decided against it . ( After I rode , me and C did the Wii Dance game , and boy , what a workout ! ! ) I have a really hard time getting up in the morning anyway , so I 'll have to trick myself somehow into gettin up early enough to ride , haha . I do plan to hop on her tonight , though . DH and I have already decided on an easy supper , and he knows that I need to get Sunshine back into work to help her issue , so if the weather cooperates , it should work out . Wish me luck ! ! Yesterday afternoon the new vet came out to give my horses their shots and check Sunshine for lameness . First off , I want to say that I love this vet ! He 's about an hour away from me , which sucks , but that 's as good as I can get right now . When I called Dr . Frazier last week , I knew just from the phone conversation that we 'd get along real well . He 's a bit of a smart ass , but that 's okay with me , cause I am too . ( ; He doesn 't take himself too seriously , but you can tell he knows his stuff . Some people may not like that cockiness , but it doesn 't bother me . Maybe cause I 'm sort of like that , as well ? haha Wiley was up first for shots . I went into the pen and put the halter on him , intending to bring him out to the vet 's truck . That 's what most vets want you to do . Not Dr . Frazier ! He just sauntered right in there with us . Its not a huge deal , but I liked it . It showed me that he 's not afraid of horses at all ( since there were 2 other horses loose in there with us ) - I have had a vet before who was clearly intimidated by equines , and they knew it ! ! Anyway , Dr . Frazier 's assistant ( a 4th year student who was super nice ) administered the shots and Wiley stood there like a champ . He 's always good with vaccines , but you just never know what to expect with him and new people ! Next up was Rambler . He 's always good for the vet and farrier , so I didn 't anticipate any problems with him . In fact , I didn 't even hold him while they gave him the vaccine ; I was too busy keeping Wiley away , haha . Wiley is extremely jealous when my other horses get attention . He 's such a brat . ( : Finally we were ready for Sunshine , who also was excellent for the shots . ( Can I just say I am so grateful that I have horses who are well behaved for vaccines , deworming , and the farrier ? ! I know what a blessing it is . ) I told Dr . Frazier what troubles I 've been having with Sunshine ( I blogged about it here back in June ) , and at first he was confused . He walked her in some tight circles , looked at her confirmation , palpated her back and hips , and started examining her legs . I have a very limited experience with lameness ( Junior has degenerative joint disease , so I know all about that , and one of Mama 's old horses , Angel , had severe arthritis , and I 've unfortunately seen several foundered horses , though never my own , thankfully - and that 's my experience with lameness ) , so I wasn 't even sure what he was looking for . I explained how Sunshine wouldn 't canter - and it felt like she couldn 't , not just wouldn 't . He nodded like that made total sense ( I feared he would tell me I 'm babying her , you know ? ) . I told him how I 've always had issues with her canter , but that I 'd always assumed it was because I got her when she was about 8 or 9 ( we 're not exactly sure ; she 's not registered ) and she had basically zero training . Plus , she 's half Saddlebred , so it has always felt like she wanted to gait but wasn 't quite sure how ( again , I assumed from lack of proper training ) . I don 't ride gaited horses , so I 've never been able to test that theory by trying to get her to gait . And I didn 't want her to gait anyway . Give me a nice , smooth canter / lope any day ! Dr . Frazier asked me if Sunshine canters in the pasture . I noticed recently that she doesn 't anymore . I 'm not sure when she stopped , but I have noticed recently on several occasions when the boys were cantering / galloping back to the barn , Sunshine just trotted . She hasn 't always been like that ; she has always been a little lazy , but she normally canters when the boys do , especially when I call them in for feeding time or when I let them out in the morning . I had eliminated saddle fit as the issue . I think I blogged about it , but a few weeks ago , I rode Sunshine out in the field ( where she normally likes to canter better than in the ring - I assume cause she doesn 't have to go in circles out in the open ) bareback and I could still barely get her to canter , and when I did it was very ugly and uncomfortable to ride . She 's been on a joint supplement since June 1 for arthritis , and I hadn 't seen any improvement , so I was thinking either it wasn 't a good enough supplement for her , or she didn 't have that particular joint disease . I 've also noticed that she " pops " when she moves sometimes , especially if she 's been standing still for a while . Again , I figured that was arthritis , cause that 's how Angel always sounded in her knees ( her knees were humongous with the disease , and she was sound at the walk , but couldn 't go faster than that without pain ) . You can hear a pretty loud popping / clicking noise , but I 've not been able to pinpoint where exactly its coming from with Sunshine . Anyway , Dr . Frazier felt of Sunshine 's ligaments around her stifle and knew immediately what was going on . He had me feel them , as well , and it was obvious to me that something was weird , but I had no idea what . Sunshine has Intermediate Upward Patellar Fixation . What a mouthful . ( I found a good article on it , here . ) Basically , the ligaments on the inside of her patella are way too tight . In fact , they feel more like bones than ligaments . Dr . F had me feel Wiley 's in comparison , and what a difference ! My poor Sunshine . He said she is mechanically incapable of cantering since her ligaments are so tight . Her right is worse than the left , which makes sense because she 's always been worse to pick up the left lead ( making her right hind have to stretch out more on a circle ) . Luckily , Dr . F said this condition doesn 't cause her any pain , it just makes it impossible for her to do certain things . She likely has trouble with hills , too , but there are no hills around for me to test that theory . And since the trot is such a different action for the stifle ligaments , she doesn 't have any trouble with that . Backing up should also pose a problem . And come to think of it , she has always been reluctant to back , and I do hear an audible pop when she backs up - which is probably her medial ligament snapping back out of the locked position . He said she doesn 't have a classic presentation of UPF ( of course she doesn 't , she 's my animal ) , but he 's pretty confident that 's what she has . In severe cases , you 'll see the horse drag that leg when she walks , and if you don 't actually catch that , the hoof normally shoes a wear pattern from being dragged . Sunshine 's is not that severe , but she 's probably on her way there , if the hardness of her ligaments is any indication . I asked what causes this condition , and Dr . F said no one 's certain yet , but different things can attribute to it . He says he sees it in a lot of post - legged horses , and I 'd never thought about it , but if you look at the picture above you can clearly see that she is a bit post - legged . He also said it was genetic , and she 's been like this her whole life , which really made sense with me , given our history of canter struggles . I guess its just been slowly getting worse over time . I did some research this mornin and found that physically unfit horses can get this condition , too , and one of the cures for it is to get the horse back into shape , and especially the stifles ( hill work , trot poles , cavalletti ) . That makes sense , too , since Sunshine is so out of shape right now . She 's never confined to a stall , so she walks a lot , which probably has kept her from gettin too bad yet . So now my goal is to work on strengthening her stifles . We don 't have any hills around here , but I have plenty of trot poles and the ability to set up cavalletti . And that stuff is fun to me , so I won 't mind doing it . The problem will be trying to find time to actually ride her . : / Maybe I need to try again to ride before work in the mornings . . . Anyway , Dr . F recommended a shot of ECP ( estradiol cypionate ) , which is supposed to work to loosen tight ligaments . When I heard the word " estradiol , " I immediately asked if this was gonna make her go into heat or act more marish than she already does . He chucked and said no . But I researched it this morning , and the drug is used to make mares go into heat , and all the other uses listed also have to do with their cycles and pregnancy . So we 'll see how it affects her . I did read , though , that sometimes it completely chills a mare out . Sunshine 's already getting more chill the older she gets , but less hormonal would never be a bad thing . Dr . F said to keep riding her and keep asking for the canter , and if in 4 weeks she 's not improved , we 'll move on to the next step . According to him , that is to inject the same drug directly into the ligaments ( yesterday he did an IM shot ) . I 'm sure 10 different vets will give you 10 different opinions on treatments for UPF . But Dr . F seemed to know exactly what he was talking about , so I trust him . My hope is that this one shot did the trick , and getting her back into shape will prevent it from happening again . So I feel a lot better now that I know what 's wrong with my girl . I 'm glad its not arthritis , or a non - healing injury , or behavioral ( though she may have some behavioral issues cause she thinks she still can 't canter even though hopefully she will be able to ) . And I 'm glad she 's not in pain . So wish me luck on getting her back in shape , and pray that this shot fixed her up ! ! I feel like I have to blog about Junior 's visit with Dr . F , as well . As some of you know , Junior used to live at my house until a year or so ago , when Mama purchased a new horse , Sixx , and didn 't want him to be alone . So she took Junior back ( who was originally her horse anyway ) . Even though Junior 's not mine anymore , I still have a bond with him ( boy , me and him have had some good times ! ) , and I go see him whenever I go to Mama 's . Mama said Junior has been lame the past several days , but I hadn 't seen him . I just assumed she was overreacting ( as usual ) , so I brushed it off . Well , I went with Dr . F to Mama 's house after we were done with my horses . My cousin trotted Junior off and boy was he lame . : ( Poor baby . I could tell he was off in the front left and the right hind ( the right hind is where he has the joint disease , so that was no surprise ) . Dr . F did an exam of his front legs , and ended up doing a nerve block on his foot . That completely took away the lameness ( in the front end ) . He mentioned navicular , but he doesn 't want to make a diagnosis yet , since there 's so many things that could be wrong in the heel area . He put Junior on a pain medicine for a few days to see how he goes , then he 'll go from there . Most likely , Mama will end up having to put corrective shoes or a slight wedge on Junior 's front feet . And hopefully that 'll fix him up . Dr . F didn 't have much time after all that , plus he wanted to address one problem at a time , so he didn 't do anything about Junior 's right hind . I told him that Junior hasn 't had a joint injection for the degenerative joint disease in 4 years , so its probably time for another one . He agreed that 's probably the case , but wants to do x - rays and compare them with the old ones to see what 's changed in there . Boy , am I glad I 'm not payin Junior 's bills anymore ! haha I do feel bad that my old boy ( he 's not even old , he 's only 17 ) is in pain . I hate seein a horse in pain like that . They can 't do like dogs and hop around on 3 legs when one hurts . Then you have Mama 's horse Sixx . What a mess . He has way too many problems to list . We had to give him a shot of corticosteroids before he could get his vaccines , because he 's prone to anaphalactic shock . Luckily , that did the trick , and his other issues are well - maintained right now . That 's another one I 'm so glad I don 't have to pay the vet bills for ! He 's a really nice horse , and he is supposedly trained in low - level dressage , but I 've only ridden him once . Mama wants me to ride him more and see what he knows , but I 'm too scared he 'll break ! haha So that was our exciting vet visit yesterday . Oh , yes , I almost forgot . I also asked Dr . F his opinion on Sunshine 's thyroid tumor . I first noticed it 2 years ago , and my vet at that time told me what it was and said there 's not much to do about it . She said it may grow to the point where it interfered with Sunshine 's breathing , at which point we 'd probably have to put her down . But I 've just been keeping an eye on it , and so far it hasn 't bothered her at all . Dr . Frazier said he sees thyroid tumors a lot , and the majority of the time they don 't bother the horse ever . He said he saw one grow to the size of a cantaloupe and the horse was fine . That made me feel better . I 'm just gonna continue to watch Sunshine 's and pray that it never affects her . My poor baby girl just can 't catch a break lately . First she had the UTI , then she got the stomach bug , and now it appears she 's got vaginitis ( AGAIN - I hate antibiotics for that reason ! ! ) and some sort of really strange rash . : ( She 's a tough cookie , though - none of this is slowin her down much ! The stomach bug lasted almost a week . It didn 't stop all at once , it was very gradual . And thankfully no one else got it from her , which makes me think maybe it was , in fact , related to the antibiotics and not actually a virus ( though she did have a fever for a few days , so who knows ) . At any rate , I 'm super glad that its over . There is nothin worse than seeing your child in pain and not being able to help . And her little tummy was causing her a lot of pain ! ! Every time C is on antibiotics , she develops vaginitis ( basically , a yeast infection ; not sure why her dr calls it something different ) . I mean every . Time . Its so frustrating . I know we can try to prevent it by getting her to take probiotics and eat yogurt . But , seriously , have you ever tried to get a toddler to consume something she didn 't want ? ! Its near bout impossible . This time , I bought gummy bear probiotics , and I just knew she 'd love them cause they 're basically candy . Nope . She wouldn 't touch them for days . Until we saw a commercial on TV and the littler girl ate some . Even after that I 've managed to get C to eat maybe 2 of them . They taste pretty good to me , so I assume she just doesn 't like the gummy texture . * sigh * As for yogurt . . . she used to love the stuff . She 'd ask for it . But maybe she ate too much of it and got sick of it , cause now she rarely will eat it . My MIL can 't get her to eat it at all anymore , and I can only occasionally . I got her to eat one container of yogurt when she was on antibiotics this last time . After that she wouldn 't touch it . So I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that she 'd get a yeast infection at some point , and I 've been watching for it . Its probably been building up for the past several days , and we just weren 't able to see any outward signs ( i . e , redness ) yet . Well , I saw the tell - tale redness last night . Thankfully , the last time we dealt with this the dr provided us with a ton of Nystatin cream , so I won 't have to take her back to get a new prescription . She 's already had 2 doses of the stuff , so she should be improving pretty quickly . But the stupid yeast infection makes her have accidents , just like with a UTI . Its so frustrating . I think its because the infection makes it burn when she pees , so she holds it until she just can 't hold it anymore , then has an accident . Cause she 's not just been having small accidents ( like she did with the UTI - that was a tiny amount of urine every 20 minutes or so ) - this is like a lake every few hours ! Big mess to clean up . My MIL told me last week that C was still wetting her pants quite a bit , and I told her she 's probably messed up from bein sick , just to give her time . But now I 'm thinkin its the vaginitis that was brewing . * sigh * The good news is that the Nystatin usually works really fast , and then she 'll stop having accidents . I know the pattern . Luckily , she doesn 't have to be on antibiotics very often since she 's a pretty healthy child ( other than recurrent UITs , and we are seeing a specialist next month about that ) . She 's had 2 ear infections that we treated with antibiotics . The only other thing she 's taken them for was UTIs . I think that 's pretty good for 2 . 5 years . Anyway , the faster she gets , the better cause we 're all sick of dealing with accidents ! Yesterday she peed on my bed and my couch . And I don 't mean a little bit . It looked like someone had spilled a gallon of liquid both times . Oh , and she did the same thing in the carseat over the weekend . * sigh ! * You can 't get mad at her though ; she can 't help it . We 're just workin through this until she gets back to normal . Now for her rash . . . this one has us all completely stumped . I noticed it Friday night . She was super ill Friday evening ( that means she was in a bad mood , for all you non - Southern folks ! ) and we couldn 't figure out why . She ate a lot at supper - I had cooked fried pork chops , fresh green beans , and fresh potatoes , and she ate everything , which surprised us . After supper , the 3 of us went outside to feed the animals . When we got back in , I noticed what looked like a bug bite on her shoulder . I had forgotten to put bug spray on her and it was at the edge of dark , so I assumed it was a mosquito . Well , in the bath tub later , I could see the spot better and it didn 't look like a mosquito bite . It almost looked like fire ants had got on her . She had 6 - 8 little whelps and the whole area was very red . Wasn 't bothering her though . Then I noticed she had another really red area on the back of her neck . By the time we got out of the tub , I was noticing red places ( and some with whelps ) on several different areas on her body . None of the areas were bothering her , so I wasn 't too worried . Until I was literally watching them pop up ! It was crazy . When they got on her face ( around her eye ) , I got concerned . So I gave her Benadryl . She hadn 't had anything to eat that was new to her , and hadn 't been exposed to anything new at all recently . Saturday morning , she looked better , but as the morning wore on , I was seeing more red places pop up . And then it got really weird . She 'd get a red area and a whelp that looked like a bug bite , and 30 minutes later it was gone . You could literally watch it pop up then disappear . Crazy . It still wasn 't bothering her , so I just let her go about her day as usual . The 2 of us went to my MIL 's pool that afternoon , and I 'm sure the chlorine didn 't help her at all . When we got back home , it looked like she had eczema on her thighs and butt . I rubbed her down with lotion and got her to sleep , but she slept fitfully . That night I gave her more Benadryl . DH kept saying take her to the dr , but I knew they 'd tell me to do what I was since it wasn 't bothering her at all . Yesterday the places were a little itchy to her , but not enough that it interfered with her day or anything . For church I put her in a super soft dress with no inside seams , and during church we were watching her get redder and redder , and little whelps popping up everywhere . And then disappearing . After church I let her be naked at home , because it did seem that any type of fabric was irritating her skin . That did help some , but she was still getting red places . I gave her more Benadryl last night and this morning at first she looked much better . By the time I dropped her off at my MIL 's , though , I saw several red places - on her feet and around her right eye . : ( I 've looked online and all I can find is reactions to changes in diet or things like fabric softener . Well , I 've been using All Free & Clear for years now , and I don 't use fabric softener cause I 'm allergic to it ( and it ruins cloth diapers ) . Absolutely nothing has changed lately . The only thing I can think of is maybe she 's developed a sudden food allergy . But to what ? ? Over the weekend she ate a ton of bread and crackers , but that 's normal for her . My girl loves her carbs , haha . I don 't even want to call the pediatrician because they 're gonna want to see her , and we are NOT doing that again right now . I hate exposing her to all those germs in that place , and I know her immune system is weak right now , since she 's been dealing with so much . No , thank you . So I 'm not sure what to do . I 'm gonna keep researching and keep praying that it doesn 't get worse . Maybe its a delayed reaction to the antibiotic she was on ? Her last dose was Friday night . But she 's had that drug before , several times . I 'm at a loss ! ! Sorry , I know this post was terribly boring for people other than myself . But I wanted to document it for later . I really hope I haven 't passed on my freak gene to my daughter . We all know that Nikki has unexplained health issues that come and go . : ( Whew ! The last few weeks have been insane . I say that a lot , don 't it ? But its always true . Of course , looking back , all those other times I said that were nothing compared to the past 2 weeks for me . Most of my business has been work - related , and thankfully I 've been able to come home in the evenings and basically just relax . Which I have desperately needed , let me tell you ! In short , my company has been experiencing a lot of major changes lately . My office has broken away from our parent company and with that has come a ton of work for me . I love being busy at work , so its been okay , but there have been a few times that I 've wanted to pull my hair out ! On top of all the changes and new stuff to deal with , I had to train 2 employees for our parent company . Of course , everything was happening all at the same time , so it was pretty stressful . Which is why I haven 't even thought about my blog . I do plan to go back and finish blogging about our OBX trip , cause I definitely want to remember that ! And we 've taken more trips since then , so more memories to log . I think I blogged about my eye issues recently . If not , basically I 've been suffering from extreme dry eye for several months now . A prescription for Restasis is pending , has been pending for weeks now ( my insurance doesn 't like to cover expensive drugs like Restasis , bleh ) . Anyway , I had another appointment the week after our OBX trip . My eye dr put plugs in my tear ducts , and it has made a huge difference . For a few days , I didn 't see much improvement and I was pretty disappointed . But finally , I can wear my contacts almost normally . I still can 't wear them every day , and I still normally take them out early in the evening , but its such an improvement . If my RX for Restasis ever gets approved , I 'm sure I 'll be able to wear contacts like any normal person . The weekend after our OBX trip I didn 't do a thing . At least not that I remember . I remember on Sunday we were supposed to take C to a birthday party , but neither of us felt like going so we just lazed around the house . It was lovely . Thankfully , we hadn 't even mentioned the party to C , so she didn 't know what she was missing ! Terrible parents , huh ? July 1 was supposed to be a quiet day for me at work , but I got a call early that said 2 people were on the way for me to train , and they were 15 minutes away ! Yikes . ( For the record , it wasn 't my boss that called me . He found out after I did that these girls were coming . ) Unfortunately , I didn 't teach them much since they were unexpected . Plus , the 3 of us went to lunch and then they had to leave around 2 . Oh well . The next 2 days , I had one girl here . Thankfully , she was really smart and nice , and having her here wasn 't much of a burden . I had a ton of work - related problems to deal with , though . The first and second weeks of July were horrible in terms of work problems . I spent hours every day on the phone with support people . Fun , fun . I think I 've got almost everything sorted out now . Whew . On July 3 , my best friend had some important surgery . So on top of dealing with all the work - related mess , I was worried about her all day until I heard she was okay . Well , sort of . She had some major reactions to the surgery and the drugs . It was pretty scary for a while there . But she pulled through and is now almost back to normal . Also on that day , my boss told me not to worry about coming in on Friday ( we were already closed for the 4th ) . I think he felt sorry for me since I was so stressed out and working so hard . So I had a 4 day weekend ! ! The 4th was spent in a frenzy . We had a ton to do to prepare for our annual July 4th cookout . I made sure to enjoy the day , though . After I got some initial cleaning done that morning , me , C , and my mama played in the pool for a while . Then , while I got C to sleep ( on her crib mattress on the floor again ) , Mama cleaned my bathrooms for me . DH was a huge help around the house that day , too . Between the 3 of us , we got that nice nice and clean . So that the family could demolish it that night , haha . Our yard has been pretty soaked lately . It rained for 40 days and 40 nights here . That 's not really an exaggeration . I 've never seen so much rain at once . Literally , every day for a long time now it has rained . Our garden has drowned . Our animals are swimming . Its been bad , though not nearly as bad as some people have had it . Anyway , because the yard was so soaked , we set up all the tables in the driveway . Of course , people still managed to get dirty and track all that into my house . I was amazed at how much dirt we swept up that night . But everyone had a great time . We had over 30 people show up for the cookout this year . And it was nice cause we didn 't have to rush off for fireworks at 9 . ( This year , our town held fireworks on July 6th for some reason . ) Which also meant we had guests in the house until like 10pm . But C got to play with her cousin ( who is 3 ) , and they had a blast together . I love having both our families together like that . The next day was Friday , and DH decided to head down to the river for the day . His aunt and uncle have a place near the Pamlico River , and they have a boat . Its where we went back in January , when I got the pictures of the eagles . Its about a 2 hour drive from home , so not bad at all . When we got there , we rode the boat to Washington , where we got out and walked around town for a while . That was nice , even though it was about a thousand degrees . C absolutely loved riding the boat , as long as her uncle didn 't drive too fast ! When we rode back to the dock , we let C play in the water for a while . The Pamlico River is really brown and muddy from all the rain eastern NC has had lately , so it was pretty gross , but that didn 't stop C from having fun ! We didn 't have her bathing suit with us ( we knew on the boat we wouldn 't be stopping to swim or anything ) , so we just let her play in the water in her clothes . She loved that . We stayed until after supper and got home that night around 10pm . Which is when we discovered that our air conditioning was broken . It was 85 degrees in our house . WAY too hot ! ! My brother works on heat and air units for a living , so luckily he was able to come over that night and work on it some . I don 't know anything about A / C units , but he couldn 't do much Friday night . So we turned up all the fans and slept almost naked . Saturday morning my brother came back and worked some more . He got it working , sort of , but said it would take a long time to cool the house . Well , most of our windows don 't open ( hello , old house ) so we weren 't able to get a good breeze going through there . It was miserable . I stayed long enough to get the floors vacuumed and mopped , and did a few loads of laundry , then C and I left for Mama 's . We played in Mama 's little pool for a while , then took a nap in the wonderful A / C . DH wanted to head back to the river that night , and since our house was still 85 degrees , he didn 't get an argument from me ! We packed up and made it there before it was too late . We spent the day Sunday on the boat fishing . Now , I don 't have any patience at all for fishing . But this was actually kinda fun to watch . I didn 't participate cause I had to hold C and make sure she didn 't fall off the boat . But DH and his uncle were net fishing , which I 'd never seen before . They had this super long net and would set it up , then his uncle would drive the boat in circles and we 'd be really loud . The idea was to scare the fish into the net . It worked pretty well . We caught a good mess of fish this way , mostly spots . Even C wasn 't bored with everything . I , unfortunately , discovered that day that I now have a true allergy to the sun . I applied SPF 50 sunscreen every hour or so all day , and didn 't get a sunburn , but after a couple of hours I broke out into a rash on my legs . It was wonderful . I ended up having to cover my legs with a towel . And lucky me kept having a reaction for days after the sun exposure . Like , I 'm still a little itchy , and its been over a week . Ugh . Every night last week I had to take Benadryl just to sleep , and some days I had to take it at work , too . Which I hate doing ! ! Anyway , we had a fun time at the river . Once again , after we got off the boat , we let C play on the little beach . This time in her bathing suit . ( : She had a ball . I think we made it home that evening by around 6 . Our house was still pretty hot , but we could tell it was getting cooler . By Monday morning the house was blessedly cool , but DH had decided that we 'll be getting a new unit . My brother patched ours up so it 'll work for a while , but sometime in the very near future we 'll be shelling out a couple grand for this thing . Gotta stay cool , though ! Now for the sickness . My poor baby has been suffering through another UTI lately . : ( She started having a lot of accidents , and after a couple of days I started to wonder if it was her kidneys again . Last Tuesday night , she peed 5 or 6 times in 40 minutes , so I knew something was up . I tried to get her doctor to just test her urine without having to see her , but they insisted . So Wednesday after work , I took her in . Her urine looked clean under the microscope , and I was confused . Of course , I didn 't want her to have a UTI , but I knew somethin was wrong . They cultured it " just in case . " Well , early Thursday morning I got the call that she did indeed have an infection . It took until after lunch for her antibiotic to be ready , but we did manage to get 2 doses in her that day . Almost immediately , the antibiotic made her have looser stools ( sorry , TMI probably ) . But that 's normal , so I didn 't think much of it . Saturday morning , she had a few bouts of explosive diarrhea . Poor baby . She still acted okay , though , and she wasn 't peeing as much . So I felt comfortable leaving her with my parents while I went to see my friend that had had the surgery . C ended up staying with them for longer than I intended cause she took a super long nap . Again , that 's normal when she 's fighting an infection , so I didn 't think much of it . She was really whiny and clingy after her nap , but after a while she acted better . Her and I drove to town to pick up a pizza for supper , and she ate 2 pieces , plus some bread bites . Then after her bath that night , she told me she was freezing and started crying . Then I realized she had a fever . : ( She actually slept pretty well that night , considering . But yesterday morning , she woke up with a bad stomachache and immediately went to the potty , where she had diarrhea . That continued all morning . She was pitiful , and it broke my heart . I was thinking the antibiotic was affecting her , so I called the doctor , who insisted on seeing her again . So the 3 of us headed to town , where we learned that she most likely has a stomach virus . On top of her UTI ! Poor baby . : ( Probably picked it up the other day when I brought her to that germ - ridden place , and her defenses were already weakened . Ugh . Sot he doctor didn 't do a thing for her . After the appointment , she was feeling better , so we picked up some groceries and ate at Outback . She barely ate though , and was really tired . Once we got home , she napped for a little while , but woke up with a tummyache again . After a while she was feeling better again , and seemed like herself . We actually had fun yesterday afternoon . She had a few more bouts of pain / diarrhea last night , but then slept in her crib until 4 : 45am . Unfortunately , it all started up again this morning . Fever and all . I hate seein my baby sick ! By the time I left for work she was feeling better , thankfully . Hopefully she 'll be over this soon . And hopefully we won 't get it . I 've already been feeling nauseous for the past several days . . . ugh . |
I have spoken several times about the interaction between the main character in my latest story , Darwin , and her friend Clive , a fellow college freshman that has Aspergers Syndrome ( Autism Spectrum Disorder . ) I have loved how these characters interact in what I have written and even how they will interact in future writing . I 've thought a lot about this , and it 's helped me make a decision . 50 % of the royalties I receive for Darwin 's Selection Volumes 1 , 2 , and 3 I will donate to an autism - focused charity of my choice . Watch this video for the announcement , then consider purchasing an e - book of Darwin 's Selection , Volume 1 . You 'll get what I think is a good story , and you 'll be helping out a great cause . Sometimes I wonder if I am alone in my discomfort when it comes to self - promotion . I have no problem standing in front of a group of people and telling them a story for the sake of entertainment , but I have never felt right if I am doing it for the sake of promoting something . It isn 't that I think that what I have is bad . I certainly hope that it isn 't ! I guess that I just feel arrogant if I am trying to build up people 's view of me or my work . Am I alone in this ? Probably . Just another one of those ways that I am weird . Well , despite that discomfort , this week I have to do some promotion because on January 31st , my first YA story , Darwin 's Selection , Volume 1 : A Whole New World will be available as an e - book novella . I would really love a good showing , so I 'm swallowing my discomfort and doing a little shameless self - promoting ! My best friend has a unique obsession . He loves pens . Specifically , he loves trying to find really nice fountain pens . I 've never been able to understand this focus of his because I can 't make much use of fountain pens . I 'm left - handed and I hold my pen in an awkward fashion so all that I do with a fountain pen is smear the ink all over the page . However , I was thinking about my best friend and his love of fountain pens , and my mind gained a great , new appreciation for them because of some unusual , symbolic thoughts that occurred to me . Usually , once my mind starts going into deep , symbolic thought I switch gears and start thinking of something else . I 'm a very busy individual and I don 't have a lot of time to focus on such subjects . That , plus the fact that the world is probably better off without my deep thoughts keeps me from considering such things . For some reason , though , I kept going on this . One of my other concerns about fountain pens deals with their habit of bleeding ink . I 'm clumsy enough as it is . I don 't need help getting things to stain my clothing . I handle that well on my own , thank you very much . Thinking of the bleeding pen reminded me of a quote I once heard . There are different versions of the quote , but basically it said , " Writing is easy . Just sit down , open a vein , and bleed onto the paper . " This rather morbid description is a pretty good representation of how many writers feel about their work . It is part of their life . And then I remembered where most men kept their pens : in a pocket , usually over their heart . See the symbolism coming together ? If you are a writer , whether it be professional , amateur , poems , novels , or even just interesting Tweets , let those words , that ink , bleed from your heart through the pen to the paper . Whenever you write because you " have to , " you are just putting ink in a pattern onto stylized wood pulp . But when that pen , which you have kept near your heart , bleeds the words for you , you have created art . You have put a part of your soul on display . No matter how much it may be criticized or acclaimed , that is your work , your blood , and it should be an object of pride . Enough deep thoughts for me . I told you that I try to avoid it . Now I think I need to go make some lunch and perhaps , just perhaps , order me a fountain pen . Bet you it will ruin my shirt . It might be worth it , though . " I know that I should have done more research , but where was a really supposed to look up information on that topic ? " Many writers these days seem to be skipping out on the level of research that they could have undertaken simply because there didn 't seem to be much of an online presence for that topic . We have become an internet obsessed society ( I mention on my online blog . The irony is not lost on me ! ) I think that there is an opportunity to research most topics if we are willing to look around . See what I mean here : Any Language Arts teacher on the planet will tell you this : our vocabulary seems to be shrinking . It isn 't that we aren 't exposed to new and descriptive words , it is the fact that we don 't use them once we are exposed to them . Am I exaggerating ? Does it really matter ? Forget the cowboys , I want to know where have all the synonyms gone ? ( Sorry for the old music reference ! ) Well , that is what I decide to try and tackle with this video blog . I didn 't get a chance to put up a blog or vlog last weekend for many reasons . One of the reasons was that I was trying to work on ideas for cover art . Honestly , I should have done that a while ago . After all , anyone that is honest with themselves will admit that they tend to judge a book by its cover . That first impression is hard to get past . If you do that with books you read , maybe you should do that with books that you write as well . Here are some thought on that : We all want to put everything that we have into everything that we do . It 's considered a sign of true character and proof of your determination and commitment to your work . Still , is this the best idea ? If you put everything that you have into your first story or book , what happens when it is time for your second story ? Watch to see what got me thinking about this and my logic behind the idea that you really need to hold something back . I thought that I might do a little something different today . I found an old story that I wrote , and I figured that I would put it up here for your entertainment and opinion . Of course , this story was written over a decade ago , so my style has ( I feel ) improved greatly since , but if you have a few minutes and want to feel better about yourself ( because you aren 't the main character ) , then here is an old story of mine that was the beginning of a series I wrote for my friends centered around the character Norman Blackberry : Norman Blackberry was always excited about new opportunities . He was especially excited about new opportunities in places where people didn 't know him . Norman was always trying to escape his reputation . He wasn 't mean . In fact , he was one of the most polite people you could meet . He wasn 't stupid . He was salutatorian at his graduation . If there was one word for Norman 's reputation , it would be unlucky . Norman never tried to find problems . They always seemed to find him . He stopped going to watch his high school 's football team after lightning struck the bleachers he was sitting on . He was not hurt , but the city banned him from the stadium as a health hazard . He was the first patient in recorded history to get food poisoning from a cracker . He also set the record for most number of broken bones suffered in one year of gym class . Events like this had been occurring all of his life . Because of this , no one wanted to be around Norman . Looking around at the small community college campus , Norman was hoping that would soon change . There were lots of people here that didn 't know about his perpetual bad luck , so there was a chance that he might be able to turn his reputation around . As he walked towards one of the buildings , he dreamed of what life might be like if it were just a little different . He pictured a large group of friends hanging on his every word as he told stories about his many adventures . He imagined a lovely girlfriend who thought the world of him . He imagined his confident walk as he went into classes where everyone hoped he would be there . He imagined that the door was open when it really wasn 't . Norman smacked into the closed door , bounced off of it , and rolled back down the steps . As luck would have it , most of the students were standing outside of the building , socializing before their first class . The roar of laughter was deafening . Norman tried to laugh it off , but he knew no one was fooled . He gathered up his books , gave a shy wave to the applauding crowd , and walk back up the stairs . He stood at the door for a moment , trying to figure out how to open it when his hands were full of books . The people coming out of the building were not so patient . One flung the door open , hitting Norman , causing him to roll down the steps again , this time with a bloody nose . Norman missed his first college class because of his trip to the clinic . Much to his surprise , his nose wasn 't broken . The nurse 's hand was broken , though . It happened when Norman set his books down . He hadn 't even known she was sitting there . He was already banned from the clinic . His next class wasn 't until after lunch , so he decided to take a trip to the cafeteria and try to get through it without injury . Norman was almost successful in his attempt to eat lunch without incident . He went to the Subway in the food court and bought a meatball sub . It had always been one of his favorites . He very carefully carried his meal to the table , managing not to trip or spill any of his drink . He sat down , rather proud of himself . He ate his meal with a ravenous hunger . It had been a long morning and he was very hungry . When he had finished the foot long sub he was surprised to realize that he was still hungry . He had never eaten two subs at one meal , but he decided that he might as well eat rather than have a rumbling stomach in class . He stood up to go purchase another sandwich and heard an odd thumping noise . He chose to ignore it and headed towards the counter . The first sign that something was wrong came when people started giving him strange looks . Norman knew from long experience what would come next . Sure enough , there started to be a few giggles , then outright laughter . Norman looked down to see that his shirt and pants were covered in red marinara sauce . He looked back over at the table and saw several meatballs on the floor . The reason that the sandwich had not filled him up was because half of the meatballs had fallen out of the sandwich and into his lap . Embarrassed , but refusing to show it , Norman continued to walk towards the counter . People were looking at him and laughing as he walked by . Norman just kept walking until something unusual caught his eye . There was one young lady sitting at a table nearby . She was tall and slender , with long , dark hair . She had striking brown eyes that seemed to sparkle when she looked at him . She was one of the prettiest ladies Norman had ever seen . On top of it all , she wasn 't laughing at him . She was looking right at him and smiling . Something in her face didn 't make him think she was amused . It seemed more like she was smiling to encourage him . Norman could do nothing but stare . Something about the young lady had truly captured him . It would have been better if he had stopped walking while he stared at her . Instead , he ended up walking into the counter at the Subway . This brought a new round of laughter and a groan of pain from Norman . He looked back at the lady that had entranced him , but she and her friends were on their way out the door . Norman went back to his car before his next class . He grabbed a jacket and buttoned it up to hide some of the stain . It worked for the most part , but the temperature was in the upper nineties and the jacket was a warm one . Norman had probably sweat off five pounds by the time he entered a classroom . His face was read and his shirt was soaked . Now he couldn 't take off the jacket because of his sweat - stained shirt . It was like a never ending cycle for him . Norman found a desk , sat down , and looked around . He continued to look around several more times . Something there didn 't seem quite right . Suddenly , it hit him . " I 'm surrounded by nerds ! " he exclaimed , not quite realizing he had said it out loud . Everyone with taped glasses and a pocket protector turned towards him with a scowl . He shrank down in his seat until he hoped he was invisible . Eventually the other students turned back around and continued their debate on who the best captain was on Star Trek . The professor finally arrived . He looked like he fit right in with his students . Tall , thin , and with glasses so thick that NASA had offered to buy them from him , he stepped up to the front of the room and growled " Q ' aplah ! " Everyone in the room answered in kind , except Norman . He just sat there , wondering what in the world was going on . For once , he didn 't feel like the biggest geek in the room . It had taken twenty minutes for Norman to realize that he was not in his psychology class . In fact , he was sitting in on one of the stranger courses offered at the school : Speaking Klingon for Beginners . He had to have one of the other students explain to him that it was a made up language for the Star Trek shows and movies . He had gotten up to leave and was ridiculed with names like qu ' ahom and patakh . He couldn 't decide whether to be insulted or not . After checking his schedule , Norman realized that he had gone into the correct room number , but in the incorrect building . He finally found the correct building and classroom . He was already half an hour late , so when he opened the door , all eyes turned towards him , including a pair of sparkling brown eyes . Norman stopped in his tracks . The young lady from the food court was sitting in class with the same smile , looking at him . He could swear that her smile was speaking to him . You 'll be fine , it said . Just give it time . As he stood in the doorway , staring , he heard a new round of laughter . It took him a moment to tear his attention away from those eyes . Then he became a little more aware of the world around him . He had the distinct feeling that someone was behind him . He could hear them breathing . He could feel them staring at the back of his head . Worst of all , he could smell them . It wasn 't a horrible smell . In fact , it was very familiar . The scent of ivory soap mixed with corn oil from cooking . Never in his life had he wanted that smell to be anywhere other than here . He slowly turned around . It was like waking up to a nightmare come true . Behind him stood none other than his mother . Normally when he had this nightmare , Norman was standing in front of the class in his underwear . He couldn 't help but check to make sure he still had all of his clothes on . Thankfully , he did . But then the nightmare returned when his mother reached up and hugged him , loudly proclaiming " Oh , my little boy is in college ! I can 't believe it ! You are just growing up so fast ! " Norman managed to squirm out of his mother 's grasp . No one in the class was making a sound . It was as if they were all too shocked to believe that this level of embarrassment could really happen to an eighteen year old . " Honey , I just stopped by to remind you that you promised to run by the grocery store and pick up some milk . All right , I will admit it . It was just an excuse so that I could come by and see my sweet boy on his first day of college . " Then , in the final act of social death , she reached up and pinched his cheeks . " Now you just go on in there with all your little friends and have a good time . " Norman 's mother walked away , still emitting that high pitched squeal of delight that mother 's are known for . Norman made his way to an unoccupied seat , not daring to look towards the girl with the brown eyes . He was certain that even she would not be able to encourage him after something like that . The class was still in shocked silence as he got out a paper and pen to take notes . Even the professor seemed surprised . Finally , after a full minute of the loudest silence Norman had ever heard , the professor continued his lecture . " So , as I was saying , class … the classic case of an overprotective parent is usually characterized by behavior like … well … like that ! " Even Norman had to admit that he was glad when the first day of college was over . It had been rough even by his standards . He didn 't look forward to going home and seeing his mom . He could never quite bring himself to tell her how much she had embarrassed him . He knew that it would devastate her . Still , if she showed up again , he thought he might exit through the nearest window , no matter what floor he was on . If there was a silver lining to the very dark cloud that was his college reputation , it was the lady with the brown eyes . Norman could not stop thinking about her . It wasn 't just because she was beautiful . Norman wasn 't that shallow . It was because of the look that she had given him several times that day . She wasn 't looking down at him . She wasn 't laughing at him . She wasn 't trying to pretend he didn 't exist . She wasn 't even trying pretend that she didn 't see him fall over in his chair ( that happened shortly before the psychology class was dismissed . ) She knew that he had messed up , but she smiled anyways . Whenever he saw that , Norman was almost able to forget how clumsy and unlucky he was . Almost . Before he made it home , Norman made a decision . He was going to try and meet that young lady . In fact , he almost felt confident enough to ask her out . That was a major leap for Norman . He had not been out on any dates . Most people were scared to be in the same zip code as him , much less have any sort of social contact with him . It was amazing how long rumors of him spreading chicken pox to his entire fourth grade class had stuck with him . Most girls were afraid to get into the same vehicle as Norman for fear that something might explode or some illness will be spread , and they will be part of it because they were near Norman Blackberry . Despite these problems , Norman thought that it might be worth trying to ask this young lady out . She looked like she might understand . She might be forgiving . She might give him the time of day . Norman said all of these thoughts out loud . He was in the habit of talking to himself , especially when driving around . He came to a stop sign and hit the breaks . They squealed a little , but Norman didn 't notice . He was still carrying on his one man conversation . People crossing the street in front of his car kept looking at him , wondering if he had a small headset or if he really was just talking to himself . Norman paid them no mind . If he had , he would have seen the brown - eyed lady walk in front of his car and smile warmly at him . He also would have known that she wasn 't all the way across when he hit the gas and started driving again . He ran over her foot , breaking three toes . He never knew it and didn 't even stop . College can pass by pretty quickly . Before he even knew it , a month had passed by and Norman had still not spoken to the brown - eyed lady . He had discovered her name . Vanessa . Vanessa Humphries . He only had one class with her , so he only saw her on Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays . In fact , the next time that he saw her , she was on crutches . He didn 't know why but he hoped she was all right . When he saw her talking with a group of friends outside of the Humanities Building , he tried to walk up and talk to her . When he approached , one of Vanessa 's friends saw him coming and shrieked . The others picked up Vanessa 's books and hustled her away . He wasn 't certain , but he thought he heard Vanessa yelling something about it not being his fault . This scenario continued until almost October . Still , things were looking up for Norman . He had convinced his mother to never visit the school again . He had learned to pack extra napkins to prevent ruining his clothes . He had even learned a little Klingon to be able to converse with the nerds . His psychology class was going especially well . No matter what disorder they were learning about , Norman seemed to be aware of a good example . It was often things that he saw in people around him . Many of the students whispered that it proved how he could drive people nuts . The professor had taken a liking to him until he asked Norman to come to the front of the class one day to demonstrate multiple personality disorder . Norman was only too happy to oblige . Norman leaned casually on the chalkboard , not realizing it was reversible . The chalkboard spun around suddenly , knocking Norman off balance and smashing into the professor 's head . The professor still showed a wonderful demonstration of multiple personality disorder : first was Confused Man , followed by Speechless Man , followed by Angry Man . He was about to introduce Norman to Violent Man when the bell rang . Norman beat a hasty retreat out of the classroom . He was down six flights of stairs before he knew it , and , realizing he was out of breath , he sat down in the lobby to rest . When he heard the elevator ding , he looked up without thinking . Still hobbling , but at least without crutches , Vanessa stepped out and headed for the door . She didn 't see Norman in the lobby . Norman watched as she left , still unable to understand why he couldn 't get her out of his mind . Did she really understand him ? How could she ? They 'd never met . Surely she couldn 't understand what it was like to be the first person sent to the hospital after being attacked by a large - mouth bass . Who could , except Norman ? Norman slowly got up and walked towards the outside door . He stepped out and looked around . The leaves were turning . The colors were beautiful . Someone was sitting on the campus lawn playing a guitar softly . There were workers going around the campus gathering leaves to put into large , wheeled trash cans . They all seemed to be so happy . And then there was Vanessa . She had hobbled a pretty good distance , but Norman could still see her . Then , to his surprise , Vanessa turned around . She looked right at him and smiled . It was that same encouraging smile that he had seen before that seemed to make her eyes shine . At first , Norman couldn 't believe that she was looking at him . He turned around to see if anyone was behind him that she was trying to smile at , but there wasn 't . When he turned back around , Vanessa was still looking at him . She gave him a little wave , and then continued to walk across campus . Norman was in a state of complete and utter bliss . She had waved at him . He was happy to the point of being manic . He was suddenly on top of the world . All of the accidents , broken bones , lightening strikes , animal attacks , and poor clothing choices that had ever affected him didn 't matter any more . In a fit of recklessness , Norman hopped up on the rail of the steps and started to slide down . He was grinning from ear to ear . That feeling of complete joy is probably what kept him from really thinking his actions through . The stairs leading out of the Humanities Building were steep . So was the railing . Norman was giddy when he first started sliding down the rails , but that giddiness quickly changed to terror as he picked up speed uncontrollably . Norman let out a little squeal before he reached the bottom of the rail , because he saw where he was heading . At the bottom of the rail was one of the large wheeled trash cans the workers were using to collect leaves . With no way to stop , Norman closed his eyes as he flew off the rail and landed in the trash can , neatly folded in half with both his arms and legs sticking out of the top of the can . The trash can began rolling with the momentum that Norman had picked up . Norman had absolutely no control over where it was going . It proceeded along the sidewalk and down a hill . Picking up speed , Norman began to realize not only the danger he was in , but the danger to others . He started to hear people yelling at each other to get out of the way . He felt a bump and then heard what sounded like a squirrel moaning . A few students even threw trash into the can as it sped by . Norman was pretty sure that whatever good fortune he had built up was being flushed right down the drain . This became even more clear when he head someone yell " Vanessa ! Get out of the way ! " Vanessa turned around just in time for the trashcan to crash into her . Vanessa , the trash can , and Norman fell over in a tangle of arms , legs , books , leaves , paper wads , and two empty Coke cans . It took Norman a few seconds to gather himself . He was dizzy and in pain . When he looked beside him and saw Vanessa lying on the sidewalk , that pain tripled . He immediately stood up and started muttering apologies . " I 'm so sorry ! I couldn 't stop ! Are you all right ? Are you hurt ? Are you single ? I mean … are you all right ? " It took a moment , but Vanessa slowly sat up . She looked up and saw a very nervous Norman stretching out his hand to help her up . Despite the throbbing in her foot and the scratch on her head , this made her smile . She accepted Normans outstretched hand and pulled herself up . It was the first time that Norman had really gotten to look at he up close . She was taller than he was , with dark black hair that cascaded halfway down her back . She was wearing a pair of wrangler jeans and boots . Norman stared at her for a moment , then realized he was staring . He mumbled something about helping her and bent over to pick up her things . He started reaching for her books and noticed where she had dropped a hat . A cowgirl hat . He picked it up , more out of curiosity than anything . Vanessa reached over to take it from him , lightly brushing his fingers when she did . Norman had to fight against passing out he became so light - headed . Vanessa put the hat on and Norman almost passed out again . He had never been bug on the whole country look , but it worked perfectly with Vanessa . Realizing that he was staring again , Norman started to stammer . " I 'm … . uh … my name is … uh … what 's my name again ? " Vanessa laughed lightly . " Hello , Norman . My name is Vanessa . " She held out her hand for him to shake . Before he even knew what he was doing , Norman took Vanessa 's hand and kissed it . As soon as he realized what he had done , Norman dropped Vanessa 's hand and lifted his head up , prepared to be slapped . When no slap was forthcoming , he opened his eyes and looked at Vanessa . She was blushing . Vanessa smiled that smile once again . " I have been wanting to talk to you for so long , but I never seemed to find the opportunity . I was wondering if you might be available on Friday night for a date ? " Norman heard the words , but it took him a minute to realize that he wasn 't the one saying them . In fact , Vanessa was asking him out . Vanessa seemed to know that there was no way that Norman would be able to answer . The chances that he could put together a syllable , much less an entire sentence , were pretty much nil . She wrote her address and phone number on a small piece of paper . She placed it in his hand and whispered as she walked past . " Pick me up at seven , please . " Norman never knew that she had left . The shock had been too much for him . A few second after she had walked by Norman finally passed out , falling back into the trash can and continuing to roll , much like Norman , to destinations unknown . |
Joy has a favorite now . I was rocking her , and she started crying and scrambling to get down . I let her down , and she walked over to her crib , crying and reaching for a fat stuffed blue pony inside . I got it out for her , we sat back down in the rocking chair , and she squished her face into the pony and went to sleep . Leaving daycare , William saw one of the other kids ' mom walking in . He told me , " That 's Ashton 's mom . That 's not my mommy . You 're my mommy . I don 't want her to be my mommy . " I put some honey mustard on Joy 's french fry . She didn 't like it . She gagged a little bit , then grabbed a napkin and wiped off her fry . I had to be out and missed bedtime one night . Omar told me that Joy had missed me and was crying for me . When I got home , she was asleep , but I went in and rubbed her back lightly . She peeked open one eye and looke at me , then closed her eyes , snuggled down and did her " happy kicks . " I told William to drink his milk so he can grow big and strong like dinner . His response : " Daddy is big , and he doesn 't drink milk ! " ( Omar is lactose intolerant . ) I was trying to get Joy to say " bye bye " for Omar to hear , but she wouldn 't do it . I went into the kitchen to clean up while Omar stayed with the kids in the living room . After a bit , I heard Joy saying , " bye bye , bye bye ! " I looked in and saw Omar sitting with his back to the stairs , but he had left the gate open and Joy was halfway up the stairs waving through the banisters ! My first photo recipe blog ! I always thought these looked like fun , so I thought I 'd give it a try . I 've really been into baking lately . I was going to try a blog with my noodle hot dogs , but I didn 't like how they came out . Yesterday afternoon , I made Apple Coffee Cake . I got the recipe from Betty Crocker . I had a few problems with the assembly , but you can learn from my mistakes . I 've started writing my recipes on 4x6 cards , in preparation for the recipe box that I will one day own . Since I 've had a history of forgetting to turn on the oven until I 'm ready to put the pan in ( come on , you know you 've done this ) , I write the oven temperature right next to the name of the recipe at the top of the card . So my recipe title reads " Apple Coffee Cake 400F . " Helps me to remember to turn on my oven to preheat while I assemble my recipe . I thumbtack the recipe to the wall next to my mixing area . I cut the butter into pats , and started cutting it in until crumbly ( bottom ) . It didn 't take long . The pastry knife got gummed up some , and I stopped a couple times to clean it off , but found that if I just kept going , it cleaned itself off . I set my crumb mixture off to the side , and started on my batter . Got my greased 9x9 " pan . Don 't you hate it when you put the batter in ( this is half the batter ) , and it looks like there 's no way it will cover the whole pan ? All it takes is a little patience , though . Notice I ditched the wooden spoon for a spatula . It 's a pretty sticky batter , so the spatula was much better for spreading . Apples layered on top of the batter , then sprinkled with half the crumb mixture from above . I 've tried various methods of sprinkling crumb mixtures like this ( using a spoon , gently shaking it out of the bowl ) , but I 've found that the best method is just to use my clean hands . Grab a handful and sprinkle ! This method gives me the most control . Seeing as how the batter was so sticky , I knew the crumbs would stick to it . My strategy was to put little blops all over , and then gently smooth out and connect the blops . It didn 't work . Not only did the crumbs stick into the batter , the apples did too ! I was about ready to give up , I was so frustrated . But I just kept trying , and ended up with the last photo on the bottom . Please , if anyone has a better way to do this , let me know ! Luckily , there were more crumbs to sprinkle over the top and hide the imperfections ! Also , chopped pecans . The recipe said 2 Tbsp of chopped nuts , but that didn 't look like enough to me . So I added a little more . I love my little whisk ! It 's perfect for these small jobs like the glaze ( also good for scrambling a couple eggs for the kids ) . I started with 2tsp milk at the top right , but that was way too thick for drizzling . I added the entire 3rd tsp , and that was perfect ( bottom picture ) . I recommend it served with a cup of Don Francisco 's Vanilla Nut Coffee . My favorite coffee ! The cake was pretty good , a little dry , but good flavor . Love the cinnamon , brown sugar , and apples . I was in school , 10th grade . I was walking back to the classroom from the library with my world history class . A student passing in the hallway told our teacher that a plane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers . Our teacher didn 't believe him . When we got back to the classroom , he turned on the TV , and there it was . Most of the teachers had the TV on for the rest of the day ; very little work got done . I went home and turned on CNN for probably the first time in my life , so that I could keep watching , even though I had no idea who Al Quaida or the Taliban were . The high school was right across the street from the main entrance to Cherry Point Marine Base . The base was on such high security , a lot of the kids had trouble getting home that day . For months after , they searched every car going on base . The line backed up for about two miles every morning . The teachers quit counting tardies ; even the buses were late most days . I remember meeting up with my brother in Spanish class . He 'd been trying to call our dad , but couldn 't get through . Dad was ok . He told us , later , that he 'd gone over to the church , and they went out to the front steps and passed out lemonade to the droves of people just walking to get out of downtown . But even as I paused this morning to reflect on these things , I was interrupted by a little boy 's voice , demanding to have his shoes tightened . Because even though it seemed like everything stopped that day , life did go on . And I 'm so glad it did , because I have so much to be thankful for today . Since that day 10 years ago , I graduated college , got married , had two beautiful kids . And one day , my kids will learn about 9 / 11 in a history class . They will learn what a horrible day it was , but it won 't be burned in their memories like it is in ours . But as I remember today , I am proud to be an American , I honor every one who has given their lives for our freedom , and I hug my kids just a little bit tighter . As I was buckling Joy into her carseat this Sunday morning , I had one of those moments . If you 're a parent I 'm sure you 've experienced it : this moment when you are suddenly overwhelmed by how much you love this child . It amazes me to think how much love my heart holds for my two precious children . Of course , since it was Sunday , my thoughts must tend towards a religious direction . I began to think about how God 's love is often compared to a parent 's love for his child . I thought , " I love these kids so much , how amazing that God could love me the same way . " But then I realized that I was wrong . A parent 's love is a shabby metaphor for God 's love . Because as a parent , my love is still flawed by human sin . I am greedy , I am selfish , I lose my temper . But God 's love is perfect ( reference 1 Corinthians 13 , you know , the " love is patient , love is kind " passage ) . Now that really is amazing , probably beyond what my feeble mind can comprehend . As I am still trying to think this idea through , I go on to church , the service starts , and Jeremy Bell begins to preach . His passage was Ephesians 6 : 1 - 4 , and he was talking about parenting . He was primarily speaking about the need for godly fathers , but there was still room in the message for us mothers . A key point in his message is that the purpose of discipline is to bring your children closer to God , and when we discipline , our children should see Jesus in us . We need to be demonstrating God 's love to our children . But wait , I just realized this morning how flawed my parental love is , and how perfect God 's love is , how am I suppose to achieve such a high standard ? Just that morning , even , I had lost my temper with William . There was no godly discipline involved , I was just angry with him when I put him in the bathroom for time out . How can I demonstrate God 's love to my children ? Scene : a little downtime in front of the computer the next morning , perusing Facebook of course . What 's this ? Lindsay and Britney are talking about a Christian author named Rachel Jankovic who writes about motherhood . I go to check Lindsay 's blog , and find a link to an article . In those moments when we fall so short of showing God 's love to our children is when we need to cling to God 's love ourselves . We fall on His gracy and mercy , accept His forgiveness , seek His guidance , and plunge back in to try again in His strength . And this is how we learn to show His grace , mercy , forgiveness , and yes , His love , to our children . Thank you for your amazing love , beyond what I can comprehend . Thank you for your grace and mercy that You shower upon me daily . Help me to rest in that assurance , to find my strength in You . Thank you for blessing me through my children . Thank you for the joy they bring to my life . Please guide Omar and me as we raise these kids to know You . Teach us daily , so we can teach them . Help us to rely on You , so that we can show Your love to our kids . Dropping William off at daycare one morning , I paused to talk to Faye about his last eye appointment and prognosis . As we were ending our conversation , we both looked over at William sitting at the breakfast table . When he saw us looking , he shouted , " Rock and roll ! " with appropriate hand gesture . Joy got her twelve month shots last week . She started crying , and I picked her up as soon as I could , and the nurse quickly scooped up her supplies and left . After a few minutes , Joy calmed down , looked over at the door where the nurse had exited , and in a firm , angry voice said , " Dah ! Ba dah ! Ah ! " and shook her little fist at the door . We went to pastor 's house for lunch last Sunday . Miss Sandy had saved a dead butterfuly for William to look at . William held it gently in his hands for a few minutes admiring the colors . Then he sat down on the ground and said , " Here he goes ! " When the butterfly didn 't go anywhere , William looked up and announced , " It needs new batteries ! " Joy was standing at the couch , and I went to take her hand so she could walk to the stairs to go to bed . But instead of forwards , Joy started walking backwards ! She was so proud of herself . William rode his tricycle all the way to the park , played for over half an hour , then rode his tricycle all the way home ! His first complaint when arriving home was , " I 'm hungry ! " Then he napped for 2 - 1 / 2 hours . I have a younger sister . Her name is Melissa . We 've been friends my whole life . But I 'm not going to talk about her in this post . Erin and I got along from the start . I helped time her wedding processional . But we didn 't really get to know each other until January 2010 , when we both found out within days of each other that we were pregnant . My second , Erin 's first . Of course , that was an instant connection . Then we both started having symptoms that led us to believe we might be having miscarriages . That was pretty much an instant bond . At that point , we were emailing each other every day , sometimes twice a day , to check on each other and comfort each other . What a relief when we found out both the babies were ok ! And the bond stuck . We continued emailing each other ( though not quite as often ) , about our pregnancies , and then about labor , and then about our babies . And our topics of discussion just started widening out more and more , until here we are a year and a half later , and we literally talk about everything ( seriously , you probably can 't name a topic that we wouldn 't talk about ) . If anything happens , Erin is one of the very first people I have to tell ! Getting an email from Erin is always a highlight in my day . Or a text . Neither of us likes the phone very much . Having Erin as my sister has been , still is , and I 'm sure will always be a huge blessing in my life . I took longer to adjust to Connie . The first time Omar took me to visit Connie , when we were just engaged , I was so uncomfortable . I didn 't know how to talk to her , or what to do . Now that I 've gotten to know her better , I absolutely love her . I can tell she likes it when we visit ; she smiles when she watches the kids , and likes to see photos that we bring for her . She pays attention when I talk to her , and she likes to be touched : rubbing her arm , or especially stroking her hair . She always closes her eyes in enjoyment when I stroke her hair . I enjoy the time we spend with her now ; it feels natural just to sit and chat with her and let her know what 's going on in our lives . This last time we were there , I showed her some pictures of Titus , so she could see how big he is getting . I showed her some of the scenery in Wyoming , too . I think she agrees that would be a wonderful place to visit . We always try to take the kids , because Connie likes to watch their antics , but they limit our visits , because by the end of an hour , they are pretty restless and ready to go . But they are getting used to visiting Connie , too . William used to be afraid of the big wheel chairs and everything , but he 's much more comfortable now . And Joy was so sweet to Connie this last time , she stroked her face a little and waved bye - bye when we left ( Joy doesn 't wave bye - bye very often ) . We need to get down to San Diego to visit her more often . I 've also found that I really like crockpotting overnight . It 's an idea that has come to my attention many times before , but I always forget about it before actually trying it . Now it 's my favorite . I discovered that after the kids are in bed , I can actually relax while I 'm cooking , and I enjoy the process of chopping and sauteeing and mixing things to put in the crockpot . The next morning , I transfer the food to tupperware and put it in the fridge , and then quickly wash the crock before the food dries onto it . Then I head to work already feeling a sense of accomplishment in the day ! And we 're cranking out some great meals . My sister Erin gave me a taco meat recipe that is so delicious ! And this week , we produced our own version of beef stew served over rice that came out quite good . I also have a southwest chicken recipe to try , from one of my coworkers . And of course , there 's always my classic crockpot stand by : chili ! I don 't usually put shoes on Joy for daycare , just for things like going to the store or the park . This morning , though , Joy sat and watched while William and I put on our shoes . Then she crawled over to the shoe rack and grabbed her shoes , and started calling me and waving her shoes at me . So I put her shoes on , and she was happy . = ) I picked up Omar and the kids , and told Omar about my day as we all got settled in the car and left the church parking lot . I did not mention my conversation at the end of the day with my coworker , and Omar doesn 't know her ( just for the record ) . Omar said we needed to go to the Target in Foothill Ranch because we needed handsoap and breakfast food for Joy . I agreed , but asked why Foothill Ranch because the one on Jeronimo is much closer . We left home around 9 : 30 , right after Joy 's morning nap . The first stop was Target , to get a leash for William . Yes , I put my son on a leash . I always thought I would never do that to my kid , but we knew it would be so busy at the fair , and William is prone to taking off suddenly . So we got him one of the monkey backpacks , with a leash for a tail . It worked out so great ! It was slightly problematic , because William thought that pulling on it and running in circles around us was a great new game , but it was very reassuring to know exactly where he was all the time . For Joy , we tried out a new wrap with the Moby : the hip hold . Joy loved it , she could look around and see and reach for things , but she could also lay her head on me and snuggle close when all the sights and sounds got intimidating . And it was a better hold for me , because she is getting too heavy for the traditional front wrap . The excitement for the kids started in the parking lot of the fairgrounds . William was so excited to see all the cars , and he could see the ferris wheel , and Joy was pointing and smiling at everything . We walked past a charter bus that backfired , and William jumped and screamed , then laughed . First stop was livestock . We saw cows , sheep , and pigs . The sheep were quite noisy , and every time one bleated at William , he jumped and yelled back . One of the girls from the youth group at church had a lamb there named Thor , so we saw her and got to meet Thor . That 's the one in the video on Omar 's Facebook , if you saw that . As we came out of the last barn , we saw two HUGE oxen yolked together . They were giving a small demonstration . Their shoulders were taller than Omar . William was mostly unimpressed though , until one of the oxen starting peeing , at which point , William stopped in dismay , " Oh , maaaan ! " We wondered through the fairgrounds and soon stumbled across the pony rides . Of course , every horse William meets now must be Bullseye from Toy Story . So William got a ride on Bullseye . As we continued our walk , we kept passing signs for roasted corn on the cob , giant turkey legs , fish and chips , hot dogs , and of course fried everything . Joy start shouting out in excitement everytime she saw some one with food , so we realized it was probably time for some lunch . Despite all the exotic offerings , we determined that the thing the kids were most likely to eat were hot dogs and french fries . ( Actually , Joy would probably have eaten anything , but William is pickier . ) We paid a small fortune for some sunscreen , because of course we had forgotten to bring any . I lathered up Joy and myself while Omar took William to the bathroom . Then I did William while Omar got us some food . The hot dogs for the kids , and some chicken fajitas and roasted corn for me and Omar . Joy sat on the table smiling and being adorable while waiting , charming everyone sitting nearby . We were running out of time , energy , and money , so we just wandered a little further into the fairgrounds . We stopped a minute to hear a band playing , but William didn 't know why he couldn 't go up and play the drums . We saw more signs for foods , and stumble upon the kids rides , but decided not to do any that day . Then we found a " Backyard Monsters " exhibit . It was a tent of bugs . There were several giant robotic bugs that moved . William screamed a little when the massive wasp lunged towards him a bit . But William liked looking at all the samples of bugs in the cases , all the beetles and walking sticks and stuff . After that , we decided to call it a day . We headed back towards the parking lot and decided to get a sweet treat to end our day . We were a little short on cash , so no cotton candy , but we were able to get a large cherry lime icee to share . Joy was really into the icee ; she kept trying to climb out of the Moby wrap to get to it when it wasn 't her turn . Into the car and trying to navigate our way out of the fairgrounds . Both kids were gone before we hit the freeway . Unfortunately , they both thought that the half hour ride home was enough of a nap and proceeded to be cranky the rest of the day . William only sweetened up when Elvis and Lauren came over to hang out , and he told them about everything he saw at the fair . We had a blast , and we 're planning on going back again before the fair ends . We 'll go a little earlier to do a little more before the kids hit their limit . I want to let William try some rides , and some cotton candy . I want to see the glass blower and the Ice Museum . And then Omar and I want to abandon the kids one evening and go on our own to have some fun . Maybe with the Illescases . I need to eat something fried . William was asleep when we arrived at the restaurant . But as we tried to lay him down across some chairs , he started to stir , and spotted the basket of chips on the table . Instantly he sat up , look around , said , " chips ! " and started eating . Omar 's car had to go to the dealer for some repairs . After work , the kids and I took Omar to pick up the car . We hung out in the parking lot for a few minutes to make sure Omar got the car okay , and I told William we were waiting for Daddy . When I saw Omar start driving in his car , I backed out of my spot to follow . William started yelling at me , " No , no ! Don 't go ! We have to stop ! We have to wait for Daddy ! " I told him that Daddy had his car , and pointed it out as Omar drove by . Omar honked and waved as he passed , so I told William , " Let 's follow Daddy home , " and he agreed to that plan . Our couch reclines , and last night Omar laid back in the his section . Joy seized the opportunity to try to crawl back there . I saw her go around the corner , but thought she was just going to rattle the gate at the bottom of the stairs . Omar and I stared at each other in surprise when we heard a squawk from right behind us . I jumped up to find Joy stuck in the spot where it got narrow again after the wider opening from the recliner . I told Omar not to move , and with a little squirming , Joy got backed out enough for me to grab her and pull her out . She was a little upset and covered in lint and dust . Joy 's favorite book is " Baby Says Peekaboo . " It has lift up flaps , and textured objects , and a mirror on the last page . She always finds that book for her bedtime story . Even if I hide it in the back of the book cabinet , she 'll pull all the other books out and find it . When my mom babysat last Sunday , I forgot to tell her that we had added that to the routine . But after my mom put Joy in her pajamas , she said Joy crawled over and opened the cabinet and got that book out for my mom to read to her . There 's a woman at my work named Judy . She 's one of my favorite coworkers . She 's not a Christian , but if you could get to heaven by good works , she would be there in a heartbeat . She 's the kind of person who will always go out of her way to help you . Even if she 's busy , and it 's not in her job description , and she doesn 't know the answer , she will still drop everything and help you figure it out . She 's the kind of person who always shows up with little gifts and trinkets because " I saw this , and I just thought of you . . . " She 's the one who always remembers the birthdays , and holidays , and special occassions , and celebrates with decorations , cards , or cakes as needed . She 's the kind of person who not only brings doughnuts to the office , but when she hears you mention that you like the blueberry doughnuts , she always remembers to include a blueberry one in the box . She so rarely speaks ill of some one , that when she does , you know something must really be wrong . And even when everything at work is extremely hectic and stressful , she still keeps an upbeat attitude and helps us remember to laugh . Last week , she received the Values in Action award for Service , and I can 't think of anyone more deserving . But I fall so short . So very short . Lately , I 've been having trouble just taking care of my family and keeping my house tidy , and I never even remember to send birthday cards to my nieces and nephews . And I 'm very selfish . And I definitely complain . A lot . I have started the process of weaning Joy . We are taking it slow , just eliminating the mid - day feeding right now . But one of the steps I 'm trying to take is to un - associate nursing and sleeping . So this evening , I nursed Joy before her bath , then went to just put her to bed after her bath . She did not like that idea at all . She cried and screamed at me . I held her the whole time , because nursing is such a close bond , I didn 't want her to feel like I was abandoning her by refusing to let her nurse . She kept crying and reaching her arms up at me . It was so heartbreaking , because I knew exactly what she wanted and how easy it would be to give it to her . But I just kept holding her , rocking her , and singing to her . It felt like forever , but I guess it was just about 5 minutes before she finally calmed down . I layed her down in her crib and gently rubbed her back and kept humming until I saw her eyes beginning to drift shut ; then I quietly left . I felt horrible and just wanted to sit down and cry . 5 minutes later , she started fussing again . I went in to check on her . She had rolled over onto her back , and when she saw me come in , she smiled at me . I walked over and rolled her back onto her tummy , and she looked back over her shoulder and smiled again , and just kind of squirmed around getting comfortable . I said good night , went back out , and she went to sleep . I felt so much better . It was like she had called me back in to tell me that she forgave me , and she was sorry for acting the way she did . Now I feel like this whole weaning process is going to be ok . I know there will be many more hard moments like tonight , but we 'll come out all right in the end , and I 'll still have my special bond with my special girl . We spent about an hour outside . For the majority of the time , we were just right outside the front door . We took out a blanket for Joy , and a ball and his tricycle for William . At first , I spread the blanket on the grass for Joy , but she kept reaching over and trying to eat the grass , so I had to move her to the sidewalk and just keep close to be sure she didn 't fall over and hit her head . William rode his tricycle a little and chased his ball around . Our next door neighbor 's son who is 6 or 7 came out and played ball with William a little , too . When we got bored of that , we put our things inside and went for a walk . I just let William lead the way , and we counted stairs and found flowers before looping back around to our house . The weather was absolutely gorgeous today : sunny and beautiful without being hot . We had a great time . When we got home , I made William and Joy hot dogs and peas for dinner . I made french fries , too , but they got burnt . They both ate really well . Joy was exhausted and went to bed at 6 : 30 , so I got some extra cuddle time with William before he went to bed . It was a good way to end the day . And there is nothing sweeter than when my little boy spontaneously tells me that he " looooves " me . We first noted a couple months ago that something didn 't look right , and it 's gotten noticeably worse . Omar had him screened at the school last week , and they confirmed that something was wrong and labeled it . He 's got severe strabismus , which is a problem with the eye muscles , as well as severely impaired vision in his left eye . He has an appointment with an ophthalmologist on May 4th . From my research , I 've learned that surgery is a common option for strabismus , and then he may still need glasses for his vision . But we won 't really know anything until his appointment , but his eye keeps looking worse , so please keep William 's eyes and vision in your prayers . ( William is in the bathroom doing his thing on the toilet . From the bedroom , Omar and I hear a what sounds like a small explosion , and then a small whine . I go to check . ) ( William is helping me with the laundry . I ask him to push the basket of clean clothes that just came out of the dryer into the bedroom . He does . I follow a few minutes later , and find him very carefully putting all the clean clothes from the basket into the dirty laundry hamper . ) I love my special bond with my baby girl . Joy is more attached to me than William was at this age . Maybe partly because of the breastfeeding : I only did a couple months with William , but Joy and I are still going . Whatever the reason , she is definitely a mommy 's girl right now . I love to see her little arms reaching for me . She 's cutting a tooth right now , and I hate to see her hurting and not feeling good . My precious baby girl . . . I feel like I have earned my right to some relaxation this evening . I got so much done today . Last night , Omar helped me kick off my productive day by helping me pick up the living room . I also got the kitchen cleaned up , including wiping off counters and tables and getting into the corners with the broom . I found so many puffs . Joy is getting pretty good at getting them into her mouth , but they still seem to end up everywhere . We went to bed late , but the kids kind of let us sleep in this morning . Joy was up at 6 , but I just took her to bed with me . William was up at 7 , so he came to bed too and we turned on Toy Story 3 . So we didn 't really get up until 8 . My big accomplishment of the morning was vacuuming the whole house . Both my kids are terrified of the vacuum . As soon as he saw me pulling it out , William yelled , " Don 't vacuum my toes ! " and ran to climb up on the couch with Joy . And Joy cried everytime the vacuum came near . Her face was so sad and terrified ; I felt really bad and gave her extra cuddles when I was done . When we moved upstairs , I put them both in the crib while I vacuumed . William seemed to think that was a safe spot , but Joy was still worried the vacuum was going to get her , so she still cried and had to have more cuddles . Mid - day , I found time to take a nap with Joy . She was so tired , but wouldn 't go down , so I finally layed her on the living room floor and layed down with her for a while . She slept for an hour and a half there ; I layed with her for about an hour , then got up . After naps , we all went to the store , and I practiced some of my new money saving stuff . Using coupons , we saved over 10 % on our Target shopping trip . Also , I tried out my new iPhone app call Shopkick . I think it 's going to be good ; easy to use and rewards that 'll I 'll actually use . I just downloaded it last night , and I 'm already up to level 4 with 300 points . We 're really aiming to save money so we can both pay off our debt and also be able to give more . By the time we got home , we just had time to feed the kids dinner and put them to bed . Then I finished putting laundry away and cleaning the kitchen ( including washing all my pump accessories and bottles , which I usually put off until Sunday night on the weekends ) . Now it is my relaxation , including a cup of Dunkin ' Donuts Strawberry Shortcake Coffee which is so yummy . And of course , a movie and time with my husband . |
I originally started this blog to chronicle my past as I approached 40 . Now as I have moved beyond that milestone , it chronicles my present : the crazy , the mundane , the every day extraordinary that makes up all of who I am . It 's My Former Life , My Current Life and everything in between . Welcome ! But me ? I couldn 't tear myself away from my mother 's lifeless body , still laying on the sofa as if she was just quietly sleeping there , as she had done for the last month and a half . I felt crazily , scarily alone surrounded by all of these people . They all had their own versions of who my mother was to them : friend , wife , sister , lover , mother . But none of those descriptions were accurate for me . She was indeed my mother but she was so much more than that to me . She was my confidante , my roommate , my co parent . What would I do without her ? I touched her forehead , looking for evidence that she was really gone . " She 's still warm , " I whispered to myself , as if somehow I could just turn back the clock a few hours , days , months . Her eyes were still slightly open . I squinted my eyes just so , trying to visualize for a second what life would be like if she was just really asleep on the sofa , like when I used to come home late at night and she was babysitting for me . Just a few minutes ago , she was here . But as I sat there and the minutes piled on top of each other , the reality set in that she was very , very far away . My sister came and sat next to me on the floor , her phone calls done . " Her jewelry , " she said simply . " What should we do ? " My mother didn 't wear much these days , but she still had two tiny diamond earrings in her ears and a bracelet on her wrist . Wordlessly , I turned my mother 's head slightly and removed one earring and put it in my left ear . I removed the second , and held it out to my sister . She put it in her left ear as well and hugged me . I handed her the bracelet . " I don 't like wearing jewelry and you do . You should have it , " I said quietly . The paramedics came . AsI 'd seen six months ago when our neighbor had passed away , they carefully and quietly did their work and put my mother 's now cold body into a black , rubber bag . They allowed us one more goodbye before her face disappeared under the rubber as the zipper closed the bag around my mother 's still form . I stood at the door as the gurney was slowly guided down our front stairs and into the ambulance without its lights on . I stood there numbly until my father came up behind me and gently closed the door . I felt the emptiness crack inside of me with the finality of the closing of the door . She was really gone . My mother , who had been there for me through my whole life : protecting me when my brother 's angry rages left me with broken bones , when I crushed on an impossible to reach rockstar , when my father put his energy into his career and went for months without seeing me , when I fell for a boy who lived two hours away , when I chose to major in music in college even though it was not a safe career choice , when I came home from that same college during my freshman year pregnant , when the boy who had gotten me pregnant disappeared ( literally ) , when my first love came back and asked me to marry him , when that boy too disappeared ( literally ) , when my toddler son needed books or clothes or daycare , when I needed time to study or visit with friends or a night of feeling like a regular 21 year old . My mother had always been there , always been my champion , my rock , my safety net . " Who will be there for me now ? " I wailed , the words angry , and scared , and primal . I didn 't care who heard and I wasn 't looking for an answer . There was no answer , of course . There could be no one there for me now in the way that my mother had been . I was alone in a way I couldn 't have even imagined . My mother shifted under the blankets we had wrapped around her lap and shoulders , a sign that the morphine was wearing off and that she was coming out of that drug induced haze that gave her the only relief from her struggle for air . I looked over to my sister , who picked up the steno pad notebook on the coffee table next to the sofa . She nodded ; the last entry on the medication list had been at 3 : 40 am . Likely now , around 8 : 30 , the meds were wearing off and it would be alright to give her some more . I lifted up the blanket on my mother 's lap to put her slipper socks on her feet ; the air near the floor was cooler on this February morning . I gasped , gazing down at the dusky purple / blue color I saw on my mother 's toes . I pressed my thumb into the bloated skin at her ankles ; the impression lasted four seconds , not the flash of an instant that I was used to . " Look at her feet , " I said . " That 's what the nurse said to look for . They always check her feet and ankles for swelling . " " I 'll make the call , " my sister said , already walking out of the room in the direction of the kitchen phone . I could hear her as I furiously rubbed at my mother 's feet , trying to remove the purple color there . I massaged them carefully between my warm hands , hoping to do the work that I knew her heart was no longer able to . The worried tones of my sister 's voice carried over the quiet voices of my brother and mother 's friend talking in the kitchen . She wasn 't just calling the nurse . As I quietly whispered encouragement to my mother , calmer after I 'd administered a few drops of liquid morphine on her tongue , I heard my sister phone my father , my mother 's girlfriends and my sister 's husband . The sun rose higher in the cold , February sky , and with its rise , people arrived . My mother 's breathing grew louder and more irregular . My father strode in and I saw him crumble as he looked at my mother 's blanketed figure on the corner of the sofa . My sister and I stepped back as he took one of her hands in his and started to whisper quiet words to her . He cried and her face moved enough to show him that she heard what he was telling her . He kissed her forehead and walked silently into our kitchen to compose himself . The nurse arrived to examine my mother . As she lifted the blanket draped across my mother 's shoulders , she could see that my mother 's hands now were the color of red grapes , and cool to the touch . Her feet too were back to the dark color I 'd spotted there before . " It 's happening , " the nurse told the group of family and friends in the room . " It won 't be much longer . " The room was quiet . My sister , brother and I formed a semi circle around my mother and began trying to warm her extremities . My mother would breathe in long and loudly , painstakingly slowly , and then exhale . Each one was a herculean effort , but still she continued on . Finally , we heard a car outside . It was my aunt and uncle 's rental car . I spoke to my mother in excited tones : " He 's here ! Wake up ! I can see them walking up the drive ! I don 't think he has a bat for you this time ! " She looked up , clearly remembering the childhood prank she 'd told us all about . When they were kids , my uncle had put a dead bat under her pillow from their attic . Her mouth moved slightly , acknowledging that she 'd heard and been amused by my joke . She kept her eyes on the door until he and my aunt entered . She caught his eyes for a few seconds ; it might have been one second , it might have been five . And then , she leaned back on the pillows , her eyes unfocused . Her breathing became scarily regular , and loud , like a machine . The nurse took a place beside my mother and listened carefully with her stethoscope . She was unresponsive to any of the nurse 's commands . We all knew it before the nurse put it into words . My mother was no longer conscious . She 'd waited for him . She 'd given him his chance to say goodbye , and she was exhausted . The nurse told us that she was still alive , but in a coma . During the next twenty or so minutes , her breathing was steady and regular , moreso than it had been for the previous two days . But it grew quieter . And quieter . And finally , the nurse told us , " There 's just a few heartbeats left . It 's time to say goodbye . " My sister and brother and I all gathered around her in a semi circle . My father stood just to the outside of our grouping . My uncle and aunt stood just outside the circle , along with the nurse and my mother 's girlfriends . I took my mother 's hand and squeezed it . I thanked her for everything she had given me over my twenty two years with her . I told her how lucky I was to have had her for a mother . My brother , sister and father all said similar things . Paul , the husband of my friend Jewel , was standing at my front door . It was Friday evening , the darkness spreading early in the cold February night . My house was loud and bright ; there were people in the kitchen speaking loudly and a nurse in the front room with my mother . Friends had brought over dinner and it was being heartily eaten by the five or six people huddled standing around the table . They were loudly talking , laughing and generally trying to forget the reason they were all gathered here . If you didn 't look over to the sofa , you would never have known what was transpiring that evening . But Paul did look . Paul looked over to my mother on the sofa , with her oxygen tubes snaking out from under blankets , her gray pallor and breathing so loud he could hear it before he even knocked on the door . The horror on his face said everything about what was really going on at my house that night . We were on a death watch , and my mother was dangerously close to the end . " Thank you so much for coming over , Paul , " I said , businesslike , trying to draw his attention away from the spectacle that was unfolding . " I really appreciate you coming to pick up Zach . I have all of his things together for overnight . His toothbrush , his pajamas , his blanket , everything you 'll need . " I paused . " Thank you , " I said . " I don 't even know where to start . Thank you . " Paul 's eyes slid from the figure on the sofa to me . Warm sympathy took over the frozen stare as he composed himself . " Of course , " he soothed calmly . " As long as you need us to have him , we 're happy to do it . Just give us a call tomorrow and let us know how it 's going . " " I 'm so sorry . " Paul gathered me into his arms for a warm hug . I had heard the words so many times in the last few days that they hardly seemed real anymore . " I wish there was something more I could do . " I pulled away from Paul and touched his sleeve . " I can 't thank you enough for helping me out with Zach . This is obviously not a good place for him to be right now . I don 't want him to see any more of … . this . " I turned slightly , seeing the hospital bed , the table full of pills , the portable commode in the center of our living room . The nurse on the sofa beckoned me over as I closed the door . " I honestly don 't really know how she 's still here , " she told me in between my mother 's bursts of loud , mucous filled breathing . " She is having a lot of episodes of apnea , she 's not eating or drinking anything and she 's barely responsive . Is there something she could be waiting for ? " " She keeps asking when her brother is arriving . Every time the morphine wears off , she asks if he is here yet . " We 'd all been wringing our hands for days over the fact that my uncle had waited so long to get on a plane . He lived in Los Angeles , and we 'd called him two days ago with the word that my mother had taken a significant turn for the worse . Finally , earlier today the word came that he had been able to get a seat on a red eye flight overnight tonight . He and my aunt would be arriving at some point late tomorrow morning . " Ah ha . That must be it , " the nurse nodded at me . " I have seen it before . Patients will themselves to live for a person to arrive or an event to happen or something specific , something tangible . It sounds crazy , but the will to live is a powerful force . I would say it 's pretty clear she 's waiting to see her brother . When 's he going to arrive ? " " I 'll be by the phone . It could happen tonight , or she could make it until he gets here , I just can 't say . But you know the drill , right ? " " Call you first . Don 't call the police until after she 's passed . " This was Hospice protocol . Even with an Advance Directive for no heroic measures , Hospice recommended that families wait to notify the authorities until after the death . My mother was seated semi upright on the sofa . She couldn 't lay flat any more without the fluids in her lungs overwhelming her into a coughing fit . She sounded asleep ; her breathing was now quieter , and more regular than it had been earlier . Her eyes were closed . My sister , brother and I were scattered about the room , in various stages of consciousness on the floor or chairs . A girlfriend of my mother 's was here with us too ; she had driven the two hour drive from her home in Lansing as soon as we had called her the afternoon before . My son was asleep upstairs , oblivious to the goings on below . The room was dimly lit by a digital clock and the lowest setting on a three way lamp . It was warm ; we 'd cranked up the thermostat to keep my mother comfortable . I could see that my mother 's friend was in the kitchen getting something to nibble on . Outside , the streetlamps glowed , keeping watch over our vigil . I grabbed my felt tip pen and journal notebook and wrote the following : " How does it feel to sit and wait for your mother to die ? My mother is in the last stages before death , where her meds have got her so doped up , she remembers almost nothing . Her speech is slurred , she 's very weak , and her entire body shakes with the effort of each breath . Or at least , it used to . Now she 's quieter . She was rattling quite loudly from the mucous before , and now her breathing is slower . This either means the meds are working or she 's very close to death . This is exactly what I dreaded , remembering her in this terrible state ; her mind is so messed up and she can 't do anything for herself any more . Everyone is coming out to say goodbye ; I expect it to happen this weekend . It is 3 : 00am on Friday morning . How do I feel ? I alternate between numbness and tears . That I am losing someone I 've taken for granted my entire life . Something so basic … this is my mom . And soon I won 't have one . I can 't believe it 's already here . It sounds so cliche , but I wish I had more time . Not like now , of course , but before . Talking about life , and her parents , and me , and family . Now she 's so far gone , there 's no chance to say any of it . I can 't believe it is finally happening . I knew it would , but it came so fast ; really , in the last two days . At least I was able to take care of her and make a difference at the end . I wish I could think of words for all of my thoughts , but right now it is easier to let them swirl around my head … " " Mom ? " she asked into into the air , with her eyes closed . We all looked around at each other , wide eyed . My mother 's mom had died in 1974 , when I was four years old . Her father had died nine years before that , in 1965 . There were more words coming from my mother 's mouth , but they were impossible to understand . I thought I caught the word " coming " and possibly the word " soon " . " It 's on the list , " I whispered . " The list of symptoms that Hospice gave us . The ones that show that they 're getting … close . ' Discussions with people who have already passed on ' is right on the list . " " She is asking me to come with her , " my mother said . " She said that they are waiting . " I assumed the " they " meant both of her parents . I would have never in a million years believed that my mother spoke to her parents if I hadn 't witnessed it myself . It was the kind of thing that I always thought was a good story , the kind that people tell when they are feeling maudlin or sentimental about those who have passed on . But it was clear to me that my mother was indeed having a conversation , not a dream . I went to work the next day , a Thursday , when my mother had slept through the night uneventfully . She 'd been in good spirits considering the addition of the hospital bed and table and commode . I went to school and waited for the phone call that never came . My old choir teacher ( now my colleague ) was in line behind me for the copy machine when she asked : " Why didn 't you tell anyone ? " And I told her that I just didn 't think it was appropriate or professional to talk about my mother 's cancer at work . Half of the people I was currently working with had been teachers when I had attended this school as a student ten years prior . If anything was going to get them to see me as a grown up and a professional , it wasn 't going to be me talking sadly about my personal troubles . She said she understood , and in a caring voice told me to let her know if I needed anything going forward . My mind wasn 't really on my work that day , fortunately it was a light day in Life Skills ; no cooking . The students were researching food borne pathogens , so it was quiet . I let my mind wander during class , and decided that I would go home for my long lunch break . I lived literally around the corner from the school , and knew that I 'd have plenty of time to check in , reassure myself and come back to school with my mind more at ease . When I pulled into our town house parking lot , I saw some cars I recognized . My sister was supposed to be there , of course , it was the middle of the day . But I recognized a few other cars of my mother 's friends . How odd , I thought . I supposed my sister wanted some company or support for my mom 's mood today ; the hospital bed was something we 'd always talked about as a big milestone . I opened up the door and froze . There was my mother on the sofa , as always , but she was still in her pajamas . Pajamas . I knew that meant something was very , very wrong . It was one of the things that my mother prided herself on ; no matter what , she dressed herself , every day . I had argued with her about this , that she was home anyway , why didn 't she stay comfortable ? She pointed out that being in daytime clothes made her feel that she was just hanging out at home , not a sick person who didn 't have a choice about being there . Two steps inside the front door and I could see that my mother was having trouble breathing . I could tell by the expression on her face as she looked up at me . A few of her friends were there , and I think someone she worked with at her last job downtown . In that moment , I knew . I knew the moment I looked at her , before the door even could shut behind me , that we were here . We were there . We were at the end . This was it . " Have you called the nurse ? " I asked my sister . She said yes , that the Hospice nurse was going to be by later that afternoon with some new medications to help my mother . We 'd just talked to them last night of course , during another seemingly endless coughing fit . It was clear we 'd turned some sort of corner . " Let me go back to work and tell them that it is time . " I forced myself to walk calmly to the door to not alarm my mother , whose desperate eyes I could not shake . But once out the door , I ran . I bolted for the car , and sped fifty miles an hour around the corner back to my school . My former band teacher opened the door for me as I ran up to the front of the school ; " Is something wrong ? " he asked . I must have looked like a crazy person . " Yes , " I responded too loudly and ran past him , still holding the door , looking bewildered . I went to my assistant principal and told her that I was going to have to leave my position , effective immediately . I apologized for leaving her in a lurch , but my mother 's illness had progressed to a critical level . I knew that I wasn 't going to be able to work until after she passed away , and I knew it wouldn 't be long . The teacher I was replacing was due to be back in a week anyway , and by the time I might return , the position would be over with anyway . My AP was very understanding and sent me along , without argument . By the time I returned home , the Hospice nurse was at the house . She confirmed my suspicions ; we were , she told us slowly , at the end . She told us what to watch for : cold hands and feet , swelling in the ankles and calves . She told us we would start to hear my mother 's breathing become more pronounced : ' They call it the ' death rattle ' for a reason , " she said . She gave us a bottle of liquid morphine and instructions on how to administer it . After the crowd left that day , I curled up next to my mother on the sofa and put my head on her shoulder as she slept . The tears that had taken so long to find me flowed freely . I felt my mother 's body stir . I picked up my head from her now wet sleeve . I couldn 't lie . I couldn 't be strong in this moment . " I don 't want you to go , " I said simply , between sobs . It was four or five in the morning . Dark . Quiet except for the whirr of the oxygen machine in the corner . All of a sudden , I heard my mother rustling on the sofa across the room . She was trying to get up . " It 's OK Mom . Don 't sit down , just stay there and I 'll get some clean clothes and we 'll get you all cleaned up . Stay calm , you don 't want to lose your breath . " She looked at me with pleading eyes . " This is ridiculous , " she said . " I am so sorry . I 'm so sorry you have to do this for me . You shouldn 't have to do this for me . " I looked at her with my sternest teacher eyes . " Mom , I 'm happy to be able to do this for you . And right now , you need to stop freaking out about letting me . I 'm here , and I 'm glad I am . OK ? " As I rushed to get her clean clothes and a bucket with warm , soapy water , I did the mental calculations in my head . It was a good while before I could call my sister to come over and stay with her . Maybe I needed to stay home with her today . But how could I stay home from the teaching job that I was the substitute for ? Call a sub for the sub ? Did they even do that ? I didn 't want to ruin my chances of getting a job at this school . It was perfect ; it was close to home , and it was the school I 'd attended myself . I loved that idea . But there was no way I could leave my mother home alone for the usual 7 - 10 am time frame that I normally did on my work days . We 'd set up a schedule of friends and family to come every day , but I didn 't want to ask them to come earlier than ten . And we hadn 't really needed them to ; our system had worked well . My mother slept most of that time frame anyway . The friends stayed till about two or three , and I got home at about 3 : 30 every day after I retrieved Z from day care . Plus , I didn 't want to ask a friend to deal with a possible day of loose bowels and humiliation on the part of my mother . She would not let anyone else save a family member deal with this for her , and she was having a hard enough time with that . I had to call my sister . At about 5 : 45 , I picked up the phone . She had a toddler daughter , my niece Samantha , and I hated to do it . It wasn 't easy for her to come over and hang out with my mom ; Sammie wanted to grab the long tube for the oxygen and needed to be kept entertained and out of trouble . My sister already took two of the day shifts during the week , and it was hard to ask her for more . She had a house and a husband and all of the things that went along with that . But I felt like i had no choice . After some tense words between the two of us , my sister agreed to come over at 6 : 45 , in time for me to leave for work on time . I had a time block at lunch where I could come home to check in , and if she was better by then my sister could leave . I went to work , but my head was at home . I couldn 't help but think that we were at a crossroads with my mother 's illness . This was new on her long list of symptoms . The Hospice gave us a book , with a list of symptoms in it . As you checked off more and more on the list , that meant your patient was closer and closer to the end . I knew I was going to have to say something soon to my school . I asked my co teacher for my first hour class if I could go speak to the principal . He wasn 't available , but the assistant principal was . I closed the door and told her that I was caring for my sick mother , and that I expected that a phone call could come today or one of the days soon at work , and if that call came , I would have to leave on very short notice . I explained the nature of the illness and briefly that I was the primary caregiver . But my mom was better when I got home . She was in good spirits and there was no repeat performance of the bout of trouble that had woken us both up this morning . But she knew too , where we were headed . She told me to pick up the phone and call the number in the Hospice book for the medical supply company . The social worker and counselor told my mother that it could be very comforting for those left behind to see all of the details in place exactly as the person who had passed away had wanted them . It was also a comfort for the dying person , to know that they had relieved their survivors of having to make the decisions . They would know where to have donations sent , which funeral home to use , whether or not a casket should be open or not . " This is exactly the conversation I never got to have with my mother when she died , " my mother explained to my brother , who was clearly not interested in this conversation . " And that led to arguments between me and my brother and your father . They all wanted an open casket , but I knew my mother wanted a closed one . But because we never had the conversation , they didn 't know that was what she wanted . I want you all to know what I want , and that way that will be one less worry you all have after . " I finally broke the silence . " I get it . I remember our grandmother 's open casket . It is , in fact , my first memory . My first memory is of her funeral . " " It 's true . I remember our father picking me up so I could see her . He told me to tell her goodbye . I remember thinking , if I never tell her goodbye , maybe she 'll come back to life . So I never did . " " It was just before my fourth birthday . " I paused . I had been about to say that my young son was even younger than that , but I didn 't want to remind my mother that it was quite likely my son , her sweet firstborn grandchild that she loved so dearly , would likely never have a memory of her . And so the conversation began . We discussed every bit of the process . My mother asked to be cremated ; both of her parents were cremated and she thought that made sense . " I don 't want to be buried , " my mother said . " I don 't want anyone standing around a cemetery feeling sad . I don 't want anyone to feel obligated to go ' visit me ' . I won 't be there . I want you all to take my ashes up to my favorite beach up north , right outside of my favorite restaurant , and I want you to sprinkle my ashes there . If there is anything to this ' final resting place ' business , I want to be able to have a good meal and a drink while I watch sunsets and sunrises over the water . " The social worker chuckled . " I think that sounds lovely , " she responded . I took quiet notes . My sister 's face grew red and I knew she was trying not to cry . " No church service , " she responded . " I 've never been very religious . I think a memorial service at the funeral home is more appropriate . But I would be very honored if you would officiate at my memorial . " She nodded to the counselor , who was also a Catholic nun . " I would be happy to do that for you , " the Sister responded . " I 'm touched that you feel that I would be able to celebrate your life in the way that you lived it . Even if I am a nun . " My mother went on to request that there be no visitation on the days leading up to her service . " Those visitation days are hard for the family . Everyone wants you to accept their sadness while you 're so busy trying to not drown in your own . I don 't want hours and hours spent like that for you guys . " We went on to decide who would eulogize my mother ( her brother and my father , which I thought was a bold move ) , where donations would be sent , what restaurant we would all eat at afterwards , and which funeral home to use . It was all very tidy , the notes I took , of what to do and when and how . My mother agreed to write her own obituary in the coming days , so that we would have that ready to go as well . There was just one question left . " What kind of flowers ? " My sister asked this . For someone who planned a wedding , I wasn 't surprised she thought of that . It would have never occurred to me . " Well I know how this goes . You always say donate to a cause instead of flowers , but people always do it , " she laughed . She thought quietly for a minute . " The only flowers I want there are calla lilies . Just a few , standing up elegantly in a clear vase with water in it . That 's all I want there . " |
Posted in 04 . The Flirt | Tagged 4 . The Flirt , Becky Barksdale , Beverly Johnson , Beyonce , Bobby Taylor , Cece Peniston , Chili , diana ross , Foxy Brown , Geri Reischl , Helen Phillips , Invincible signing , Jane Pratt , Janelle Commissiong , Jodi Gomes , Kai Chase , karen faye , La Toya Jackson , Lisa Marie Presley , Marva King , P . Diddy , Patti Boulaye , Sherilyn Fenn , Stacey McKenzie , Stephanie Mills , Tatiana Thumbtzen , Tatum O ' Neal , Todd Gray , Vanessa Williams | 8 Comments » I 've tried to put a series of quotes from various people together in context in order to create a more clear understanding of what his releationships were like , something which should hopefully be cheaper and more truthful to read than having to trawl through various trashy lazy biographies . It 's amazing how clear certain stories become when what 's been said has been framed in context . Some of the quotes have been paraphrased and rephrased in order to remove the interviewer 's question , but hopefully the sentiment has been retained . " We had the biggest crush on each other . Of course , at 11 we didn 't smooch all the time . But there was lots of flirting . He was timid but the sweetest , funniest kid . And though we never declared our love - you don 't at that age - we both had feelings . Posing for our end of school picture , he even got me to stand right behind him . He really proved his sweetness , though , when we had to sing in front of our parents before we moved on to high school . I didn 't want to embarrass Michael by being out of tune . But he nudged me and squeezed my hand to let me know it was OK . " I didn 't really have any girlfriends when I was in school . There were girls I thought were cute , but I found it so difficult to approach them . I was too embarrassed - I don 't know why - it was just crazy . There was one girl who was a good friend to me . I liked her , but I was too embarrassed to tell her . But I think Michael really liked me . He called me and then I started driving over to his house , where we hung out and talked about TV and music . He let me watch him sing and dance in their studio . Once we went ice - skating and he held my hand as we glided around the rink . I wondered if he might try to kiss me but he didn 't . After another outing , he did give me a kiss good - bye . But it was only a gentle peck on the cheek . I was just absolutely in love with Michael Jackson . I thought he was the greatest star ever . I definitely had a huge crush on him . And we kissed . On the lips . A little peck action ! It was close , but it was on the lips . I thought he was the greatest thing in the world , I really did . Oh , I felt that hormonal rage for Michael . He never acted upon it , but I did . I thought he was hot . I was ready for Michael but I didn 't make it clear to him that there could maybe be something there . We went ice skating . Michael and Marlon and Randy . And Maureen and Eve and me . She says it was an intimate date between she and Michael . She had a crush on Jermaine ! Michael is presently involved with a young lady he cares about a great deal . However , he is doing everything he can to protect her from the glaring eyes of his adoring public . This is one thing Michael intends to keep to himself . I 'm sure his fans would never begrudge him a little privacy or a little quiet romance . But girl , girlfriend had my nose wide open , okay , you could drive a truck through my nose . I loved her so much , God . I would give her money , I would give her jewelry , I would give her a house , a car , whatever . I was never good enough . She knew how I was from the beginning , it wasn 't like she didn 't . I wasn 't going to change , not until I got married . I loved her so much . I didn 't want to see that . I did not want to see that . I knew she was fooling around . I know , girl . I know it for a fact . And it was a good thing that it was finally over . I don 't regret that I didn 't sleep with her . I 'm glad I didn 't . I was enthusiastic . I thought it would be wonderful for Michael and me to work together . Michael and I were pretty close during that time . We spoke on the phone every couple of days and usually saw each other about once a week , when our careers permitted . We were already very close friends . She 's such a beautiful , talented woman . Doing this movie together was very special for me . I love her very much . I have always loved her very much . Diana Ross was a big support throughout the shooting . Michael referred to her as " my mama " on the set . She made a habit of checking in on him in his dressing room each morning . Even Diana Ross was calling him up - calling Michael every day telling him don 't sign don 't sign , don 't go to Columbia . You 're gonna get in a lot of trouble , things like that . Diana Ross was close to Michael . Michael always admired Diana Ross , he loved Diana Ross . They were very good good friends . I 'm crazy about Michael and I love him a lot . He 's been my inspiration . He 's a very gentle , wonderful human being , one of the special ones in this universe , and I don 't even know if he knows how special he is . So whenever I can be around him , I like it . I like to rub shoulders with talent . He 's got good vibrations . His aura is only about love . So I like being with him . Later , when I showed him the proof sheets of the photo session , he ordered two large prints of every picture , which was highly unusual . Typically , if someone orders one or two pictures from a session , it 's considered a success . I was blown away . " Two of every single one ? That 's about 144 prints … Michael answered , " Yes , I can count . I want one set for myself and one for Diana [ Ross ] . Todd , this is magic . " " They have a friendship as genuine as any I 've seen . On set Diana would say , ' what would Michael think of this ? ' Michael would say , ' what would Diana do with this ? ' " There 's a Black lady in my life but you wouldn 't take me seriously . It 's Diana Ross . I love her . Not as a big sister , see , I told you that you wouldn 't take me seriously . I would like to marry Diana Ross , I 'm saying that . Uh huh , I feel something more than close friendship for her . And what does age have to do with it ? Look at it this way : how old you would you be if you didn 't even know how old you are ? She 's the kind of person I can tell anything to - the most private of secrets ! And she tells me her secrets as well . Sometimes I tell her I 'm going to marry her . Our relationship goes on forever . To me , [ Diana ] is a peacock … That 's what she is . She has so many colors . She 's not only a singer . She 's a philosopher . She teaches you all kinds of things . Sometimes even I 'm stunned at how he can be so shy . He 'll hide , talk like this ( she whispers ) - then you let him on stage - and he turns into this sexy , macho thing . I try to get him to step out socially , to get a little more out of himself . He spends too much time by himself . When I heard Diana Ross was getting married , I was happy for her because I knew it would make her very joyous . Still , it was hard for me , because I had to walk around pretending to be overwhelmed that Diana was getting married to this man I 'd never met . I wanted her to be happy , but I have to admit that I was a bit hurt and a little jealous because I 've always loved Diana and always will . But Michael ( Jackson ) - when he wants to see me , he sees me ; when he doesn 't he kind of closes the door . There 's no reaching him , there 's no finding him , there 's no anything . He 's just this illusive love out there . Somebody you care about , want to protect in a strange kind of way , feeling motherly toward him , but at the same time you can 't reach him and don 't know where he is . There 's something you just said that made me think of Michael Jackson . I used to talk to Michael on the phone all the time . I haven 't talked to him for years now , but he always used to ask me questions about how to make this whole show - business thing work . I thought I was with Diana ; that was just in my own mind . It took me years to get over Diana … A hell of a long time . I told her then , and I 've always believed since , that it was a tragedy that her performance in the play could not have been preserved on film . I cried time after time . If I had been tempted to go onstage , it would probably have been to work with Stephanie , although her performances were so moving that I might have cried right there in front of the audience . I was in love with Michael ! I was really in love , and I thought I was going to be Mrs . Michael Jackson , but he was so slow ! I was ready to become a bride ! Oh my God ! I think I could marry someone like Michael because we both have similar tastes . We both like stuffed animals and children . In that way we 're compatible . But then again , we 've never really sat down and had a long talk . I guess I don 't really know him . We 're always so busy . You know what I want to say … Michael is very much a man and he 's very , he was very loving , very caring and all that but I 've never , we never had sex and I never saw him … I only saw Michael with his underwear on and he looked very cute ! Michael is very cute in his little underwear ! Michael is a great kisser , I 've kissed him ! He is a great kisser ! And he 's very , very affectionate ! Where 'd he kiss me at ? Where do you think he kissed me ? I 'll just say that Michael is very much A MAN ! That 's what I 'm trying to say . We were maybe 18 - years - old . I got to know him as a person , as a friend and he was really all about our love - very affectionate , very loving . He was really all about love . I mean I 've been with Tate … I 've been , well not with … I been with Tate . Tate , I dealt with Tate when I was a little younger . She came up to me in a club , we heard a … Maybe it was too … She put her hand on my … I couldn 't believe it . I saw her again , which was at a club on Sunset Blvd called the Roxy . We talked and talked and talked . When we met , I was sitting at this table and all of a sudden I felt this soft hand reach over and grab mine . It was Tatum . We were watching a band and underneath a table she was holding my hand I was melting This probably wouldn 't mean a lot to other people , but it was serious stuff to me . She touched me . That 's how I felt about it . In the past , girls had always touched me on tour ; grabbing at me and screaming , behind a wall of security guards . But this was different , this was one - on - one , and that 's always the best . It was just magic , better than anything , kissing her , anything . It was magical . There were fireworks going on . It was all I needed . But that means nothing to kids today . She grew up too fast . She wasn 't into innocence , and I love that . - Michael The next day she invited me to join her at Hugh Hefner 's house to watch Roots on videotape . She got sort of bored , so we went outside and got into the jacuzzi . We weren 't naked as people have said . We both had on bathing suits , just enjoying ourselves . And that 's it . Well , I guess I am dating her in a way . I 've taken her out a couple of times - or she 's taken me out - whatever . But she is a friend of mine and I see her occasionally . She wants to take me camping . I 've never done any of those things . I been knowin ' this business all my life so there 's no way of quittin ' - but I am ready for a nice long vacation . He gave me his number , and we started talking everyday - long drawn - out conversations that sometimes got so boring I would hand over the receiver to my friend Esme Gray . Michael would just keep on , thinking he was talking to me . His usual subject was sex . At 12 I didn 't have much to say about sex . But Michael was intensely curious about anything , everything sexual , though in an incredibly sweet and innocent way . Most of the time you [ other entertainers ] understand each other easier , Tatum will call me up and say , " Hey , you wanna go somewhere ? " Like most of the people you may see me out with , like Tatum and Janelle , they 're kind of on and off , they 're friends , and [ hysterical laughter ] … I talk to them . I don 't know how to describe it , really [ more laughter ] . I don 't know what to say . I remember her telling me to come over to her house in Beverly Hills , and what she 's going to do to me . All the sexual stuff . So I 'm scared to death . Scared because I 'd never done anything like that . I came over there trying to be Mr Big Shot and brave and I remember she cut out all the lights in bedroom , opened the curtains so you could see the whole skyline of the city over the cliffs . It was beautiful . Michael used to come to my house when I was living with my dad , and I remember him being so shy . He once came to my house and asked to come upstairs because he 'd never been in a girl 's bedroom before . Once he came into my bedroom , and he wouldn 't even sit on my bed . And she told me to lie on the bed . And I did . She slowly walked over and she touched the button of my shirt to open it . I took my hands and I wouldn 't let them down . And she just walked away . She knew I was too shy for it . She wanted to do everything and I didn 't want to have sex at all , because there were a lot of values associated with being a Jehova Witness . I said , " are you crazy ? " One of those was to be kind to everyone . He sat on the bed , and we kissed very briefly , but it was terribly awkward . So I said , ' I can 't . ' Michael , who was sweating profusely , seemed as intimidated as I was . He jumped up nervously and said , ' Uh , gotta go . ' That 's the closest I ever got to Michael , which is why I 'm amazed by his recent claim on national TV that I 'd seduced him but he was too shy to carry it through . Ours developed into a real close relationship . I fell in love with her ( and she with me ) and we were very close for a long time . Eventually the relationship transcended into a good friendship . We still talk now and then , and I guess you 'd have to say she was my first love - after Diana . I will say that Tatum and I had a really serious relationship . We both are so busy that things have cooled off , but we 're still really good friends . [ She ] calls me all the time and I hope she reads this interview because I 'm sorry I couldn 't get all of her calls . But she 's still a wonderful friend of mine . When I won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist , Michael Jackson was the first person to greet me , he ran to me out of the darkness of the stage . He grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek saying softly ' I 'm so happy for you " - already emotional from my own triumph - it was momentarily eclipsed by that moment with him - I couldn 't believe it . Michael Jackson had kissed me ! Now Brooke Shields , she was one of the loves of my life . We dated a lot . Her pictures were all over my walls and mirrors . My sisters would get jealous and tear them off the wall . I was at the Academy Awards with Diana Ross and she just came up to me and said , " Hi , I 'm Brooke Shields . Are you going to the after party ? " I said , " Yeah , " and I just melted . I thought , " Does , she know [ that photographs of her are ] all over my room ? " She asked me to dance because I was not going to ask her . You know , I 'm really shy and embarrassed . So she says , " I got to dance with you tonight . " I said , great . So we got together on the dance floor and danced . They were playing that old fashioned Benny Goodman , Tommy Dorsey music , which wasn 't much of a groove . First , you 've got all these bald headed old people on the floor slow dancing , the Lawrence Welk sound . We really couldn 't get into it so we got to talking and got to know each other . And man we exchanged numbers and I was up all night , spinning around in my room , just so happy . She was classy . Brooke and Michael have been friends for a couple of years . And it seems that it 's a sudden thing and it 's not a sudden thing . You know how some people look at things and it 's not that way . They have a quiet friendship and she just wants to share and hopefully give him support too as far as a friend is concerned . She 's gorgeous and she 's something special to me . She is the most sincere , understanding and interesting girl I 've ever known . We talk on the phone for hours without getting bored . Despite the press 's portrayal , Michael and Brooke 's relationship was a friendship , plain and simple - at least in Michael 's mind . It was obvious to Janet and me that she had other ideas . About to watch a movie with us at home , Brooke would declare , " I 'm going to sit by Michael , " grabbing his hand . " Michael , where are we going to sit ? " I love Michael dearly . I went to the AMA and that was really the first time we ever went out in public together . I talk to him all the time and he said that he would really like to have me go with him . Brooke Shields asked me out every time you saw us out together . It was her idea to go out and do it every time . I sincerely liked Brooke Shields too . I liked her a lot . Miss Shields had visited my parent 's home and asked him to escort her . Michael looked to me for advice but Michael ended up with her , even though he knew that career wise it wouldn 't be a good move . His fans don 't like to see Michael with a girl because they 're all hoping he likes them . He 's a very very good friend of mine and I trust him and he trusts me and we have a very very good understanding . I mean , I don 't want anything from him , I don 't need publicity and that 's why I 'm seen with him . I like him very very much and I think that he felt comfortable that I was there at the Grammy Awards because he 'd come back and he 'd sit down with me and say , ' Was that OK ? Did I do all right ? ' " Michael is having an affair with Brooke Shields and sees her a lot . Every time I talk to him about her he smiles and seems to be very , very happy . I keep saying to him " Do I hear wedding bells , Michael ? " and he breaks into a big grin . Michael told me that Brooke Shields was the most aggressive girl he 'd met in his life . After being out with her , he 'd come to me and say things like , " She tried to kiss me . She tried to stick her tongue down my throat . " Well , let me say that right now , we 're closer now , than we ever were . We love each other more now than when we even knew we did when we were younger . Because we had fun when we were younger , it was a sense of relief . I think we both had a crush - and still do have a crush on each other . I mean , I think part of having a crush on someone is admiring them - almost , we have a lot of fun together ; it 's almost unfortunate because we know each other so well . I mean , he just amazes me every time I sit down and talk to him . She is very sweet , smart . She is not an airhead . She is real smart . A lot of people think that when someone is beautiful that are like an airhead . She is very smart . Brooke Shields used to call him on the phone a lot . This was the pre - cell phone era , so I would usually answer his calls and then have to go find him in the studio . She was always really nice to me . We 're just friends . He didn 't refer to me as a girlfriend . He felt he could say how he felt about me . We grew up together . He trusts me . Michael was there with Brooke Shields , who he was dating at the time . It was trippy and the studio was dimly lit . I shook hands with them both and played . Then they split , and went off to dinner . He gave me the most incredibly beautiful ring that you could ever imagine . Of course , people built that out of proportion , they said we were engaged . It really wasn 't really about that , it was a friendship ring . When he gave it to me , it was the most adorable thing ; we hadn 't really ever exchanged gifts before . He never actually formally proposed to me , though . He would sort of say , " Why don 't we adopt a child together ? The way your heart works is what I want in my life , " and I said to him , " You 're always going to have my heart . " I was getting changed , so I was crouched down half naked on the dressing room floor and he came in and giggled . I was used to taking my clothes off in front of strangers . Michael seemed very relaxed about it . It helped that I was crazy about Michael and he seemed taken by the fact I was a Playboy model . Michael Jackson and I met in the wardrobe room . I saw his shiny shoes first . He was so cute with his little bow tie . I 'll never forget that . He has such a presence . You can feel his energy from across the room . The last time I saw him was in the studio when he was recording the Bad album . He sent me to Germany , to go pick up our Grammy , our award over there . He let me bring it home , he wanted to come pick it up , but he was going to send someone else to pick it up and I told him , " no , if you don 't come pick it up yourself , you know you 're not going to get it . " So he didn 't come get it so he called and told me that it was mine and I could keep that one . He started getting all nervous and stuff . He said , ' She 's adorable , she 's adorable . She 's so hot ! " It was just so funny seeing him that way . He kept saying , ' I can 't wait until I do the werewolf scenes so I can chase you . ' I 'd say he 's shy , but only when he 's around people he doesn 't know . Actually , Michael seems almost outgoing , at least while he 's working . I could tell just by the way he playfully flirted with me that he likes women . I met Jane Fonda at the studio while getting my makeup done and she asked me to take him a note and give him a kiss and a hug . When I told Michael about the kiss he said , ' Well … ! ? ' . I think if he finds the right girl , he 'll marry her . But in the meantime , I just don 't think he deals with sex . He seems to be on a different level . I mean , sex isn 't everything . Every day , Michael came and sat and watched me . He was in awe of me . He was always in my face trying to learn to do things with makeup like I did . He got to flirt with me . He got to play with me , touch me and flirt with me . So that was great . We would just sit in his dressing room and we 'd talk about … why he couldn 't date me ( laughs ) . You know , why we couldn 't be as intimate as I wanted us to be . He told me that there was someone else that really liked me on the set and he couldn 't cross that line . I had some intimate moments with him in his trailer . Let me see how I can say this without , you know , being too … I won 't say that I have seen him in his birthday suit but close enough . It was a little kindergarten thing . It was important for him to be around someone who would make him feel comfortable . It was kissing and puppy - love make - out sessions - and a little more than that . I 've already told you more than I 've ever told anyone ! I wouldn 't say it was further than he 'd ever been with another woman . I don 't think he 's that innocent . ( laughs ) He 's not that innocent . He definitely knew what he was doing . In his own little way . I think things got pretty sexy between Ola and Michael . Some very sweet kind of physical interaction going on beteen the two of them . I would say not first ( base ) , I would say second base … maybe … third . After that , we talked on the phone every day , on every stop of the tour . And I thought , Wow . Doesn 't she have other things to do ? After all , she 's Elizabeth Taylor ! At the end of the tour , I asked her if I could come by for tea . She said , " Yes . " I brought Bubbles along . She didn 't mind … Other women , probably attracted to Michael 's relative innocence , approached him even more directly . But other women were simply friends , and he received many gifts from them , which he took as thoughtful tokens of their affection . One famous actress gave him a set of beautiful gray silk sheets monogrammed with her initials , ET . We thought they were so sumptuous and pretty : we never thought there was anything untoward about the gesture . Elizabeth Taylor was going to visit and Michael wanted some privacy . Jermaine made a wisecrack about Elizabeth and was quickly put in his place . " Don 't ever talk bad about Elizabeth Taylor to me , Jermaine , " Michael said softly . " She 's beautiful . The most beautiful woman I 've ever met . " By this time Michael and Elizabeth were already well acquainted but their friendship would grow during this brief stay in the hospital . She came for visits several times a day and sometimes brought him violets , which stood in sweet contrast to the dozen black roses LaToya had delivered from London . Yes and no ( do I get jealous about Liz dating other men ) . I know that if we ever did anything romantically the press would be so mean and nasty and call us , " The Odd Couple . " It would turn into a circus and that 's the pain of it all . You know I push her in a wheelchair sometimes , when she can 't walk . It 's none of their business what we have together . I have to be with people who like me . She 's a warm cuddly blanket that I love to snuggle up to and cover myself with . I can confide in her and trust her . In my business , you can 't trust anyone . Elizabeth is someone who loves me - really loves me . But Elizabeth is also like a mother - and more than that . She 's a friend . She 's Mother Teresa , Princess Diana , the Queen of England and Wendy . We have great picnics . It 's so wonderful to be with her . I can really relax with her , because we 've lived the same life and experienced the same thing . He is one of the most loving , sweet , true people I have ever loved . He is part of my heart . And we would do anything for each other . Then , I met Michael . One day I was invited to the studio and I met Michael . I was like , " Oh my God ! I 'm here with Michael Jackson ! " and then my childhood thoughts and dreams just went through my head and Michael was admiring this beautiful waist top that I had . It had so many different panels of lace and he said , " It 's so beautiful ! " He kept walking around me , and I froze ! I couldn 't even talk . I think I 'm star struck ! I did pretty good until I got to him , because I had a crush on him as a kid . Oh my goodness , I 'm like , " Michael Jackson is admiring me ! " It took a while , because he had a lot of security and stuff , like , " What does she want ? " and " Why is she really around ? " You know , they watched me for a while . They studied me religiously , but then they learned , " Okay , she 's not so crazy and she doesn 't have any other motive , except she wants to work and she 's friends with Michael . " Michael ended up taking to me , so I ended up becoming one of his playmates . We had too much fun ! We were two young adults that were real childish , but we had so much fun ! I would travel with him sometimes , and we would torture the press , we would hide and do things ( laughs ) and just have a lot of fun . I saw him turn to the person next to him and say something . I later found out from David Banks , one of the video 's writers , that Michael had said , " She 's the one . The rest are extras . " That 's why it 's my job to cast the girl , because it ' my job to think they are cute . So I can do that if I really like them , like some of the girls you see in my videos . I have cast them because I really like them and it caused a problem afterwards because they start to really like me , and I don 't want to get that serious , and it becomes a problem sometimes . By our fourth take , the heel of my boot was caught in the cars upholstery and Michael put his hand on my leg to help pull it out . It blew my mind that he had actually touched my leg , which I pulled away and began to tumble out of the car falling on my butt and hard too ! Michael started laughing hysterically as Joe Pytka yelled , " Get up , keep it going , keep it going , and don 't stop . " As I did , Michael got out of the car and started wiping my butt off . The fall caused a run in my stockings and the stylist wanted me to change . I started walking off the set and Michael asked , " Where are you going ? " I explained that she wanted me to change my stockings . He disapproved by saying . " No , I like it . I think the run is neat . It 's sexy . " During a quick break from the scene , Michael pointed out two birds high above us perched on a ledge - they were making love . He said , " Look , " while pointing up . I became embarrassed and shy and I looked away blushing . Michael stood gazing at me with this sweet smirk on his face that was somehow naughty . Between the scenes , Michael said to me , " I heard you wanted to dance in this video . " I admitted it was true and I said , " I thought I would get the opportunity to dance with you . " Michael replied in a soft and sweet voice , " Don 't worry , we 'll work together again . " I expressed how great it had been working with him and then he asked me if his team had my number . As I left , I could hear Michael say to Frank : " Aren 't you going to give it to her ? " Frank replied , " No , why don 't you give it to her ? It 's from you . " They were bickering like kids and before I knew it Frank tossed one of Michael 's hats to me . A black fedora with his name embroidered in gold inside the rim that he used in the Bad Tour . I caught the hat as if on cue and as I walked off I recall saying , " I love you Michael " I guess the fan was coming out of me . To be honest , I could not help but to think that [ Katherine ] was checking me out . She wanted to see the girl she had heard about . The girl that had captivated Michael 's interest or tweaked Michael 's curiosity , and I eventually found out I was correct about her suspicion . She admitted it to me later . Yes , I know Tatiana very well . Yes , in fact , right after Michael did the commercial with Tatiana he called me in his room and he talked to me about her because he really liked her and had fallen in love with her and he asked me , what did I think ? And I said , " Well if you 're in love with her let her know . " Not long after the video production was over , Michael 's stand - in , Craig , who had become a friend of mine , called and said , " You know , Michael talks about you all the time . He asks me how you are and told me to tell you hello . I think he really likes you . He says stuff like how incredibly beautiful you are and how sweet you are . " On February 8th Frank Dileo , requested we meet at his office in Ventura . He told me how he could tell I had a thing for Michael and advised me to move on for my affection for him . He told me to focus on my career instead . He also made a comment about having me over to see his new home someday , but without mention of Michael being around or his own family being there . On their first date towards the end of the 80s Michael 's manager Frank Dileo was present as a sentry dog . Frank knew that Michael was interested in her and the three of them met at a restaurant . Without informing Michael , Frank had tried to court her even though he was married . " Ah , ha , you see ! You are a threat to him . If Michael falls in love and wants to marry you , then Dileo fears the person Michael is close to could have more value and credibility than he does with Michael . " Katherine said . Joli , Michael 's secretary joined me . She told me that she knew Michael had feelings for me , because he spoke of me often . Yet , she said that she was confused to why he had not responded to my request to speak with him yet . She promised me that she would make the call happen . As I grabbed his collar , I landed a big wet one on his cheek . I kissed him . I did not think anything of it , and I did not think he would be ticked off . The dancers told me that he was happy and excited about the kiss . Telling me , " OOHHH , Boy ! You just made Michael 's day ! He was happy ! " I pretty much thought it was a good thing . I apologized to him because I had kissed him on the cheek . I said , " I am sorry if I threw you off in any way , " Mike intervened by saying , " OH ! NO ! NO ! It was fine ! It was great ! I liked it ! . " Then I asked him , " Well would it be all right then if I did it again , and perhaps take it a step further ? " He said " Oh sure ! That 'll be great ! " I thought about whether or not I should follow through on the kiss . For some reason I was questioning myself . As I stepped up to him and put my arms around his collar , he looked deep into my eyes , almost as though he was challenging me . Then he did this sexy little thing where he bit his bottom lip . I placed my arm around his waist , and I landed a kiss right on his smacker ! Never for a moment did I feel this was one - sided , as he at this point , put his left hand on my rear . The next person to greet me was Michael 's mother Katherine . She walked towards me and gave me a big bear hug . She later admitted to me that she saw absolutely nothing wrong with us kissing . She approved . Miko was in a rage . He yelled , " How dare you f * * * * * * take advantage of him like that ! You f * * * * * * b * * * * ! Who the f * * * do you think you are ? I cannot believe you are f * * * * * * took advantage of him like that in front of all those people . " Michael 's mother called me saying she was very interested and concerned about me . I first spoke with Rebbie for a few minutes and she said that they were concerned about me . They wanted to know why I was fired from Michael 's tour and she stated that her mother wanted to speak with me herself . As I prepared to go onstage and accept for him , the announcer said , " Since he could not be here tonight as he 's still on tour , we accept this on his behalf . " Well , so much for that ! No one informed me of the change . I approached the gate and I asked Bill Bray , Michael 's assistant if he could please relay to Michael that I would like a moment with him . He told me that he would see what he could do . Before I knew it , Bill yelled ' ' Well hurry up ! If you are coming , come on ! We do not have all day ! We 've got another award to get . " He kept repeating exactly the same words to me that he said on stage . As though he had been scripted . He said , " Oh Tatiana ! It is so good to see you ! I had no idea you were going to be here . " It was like an instant replay , and it was so weird . I said , " Michael , I would really like to talk to you . " Right after I said that , Bill Bray grabbed Michael 's arms and pulled him away saying , " We gotta go ! " They did this as if they planned it . Majestic helped me understand what really happened to me that night . He said that when Bill Bray yelled for me to " Come on " it was probably giving Michael a cue for him to come outside his trailer so that I could not go inside . Then , when Bill pulled his arm saying , " We gotta go , " that was also a planned skit . He made it clear to me that Michael did not want to speak to me . Just as David Banks pointed out before , if Michael wanted something , he got it ! " What Michael once he gets , " he said . When they see me running the other way ( they know I don 't reciprocate ) . Yeah . Some of them follow me around the world and it 's hard . The lie slipped out of my mouth simply because of my feelings for him . I felt that an injustice was being committed . Plus , I wanted Michael to see how much I loved him . The unknown dancer has never been near a celebrity and couldn 't believe that my son wanted her . She could barely overcome the excitement and openly spoke about their relationship . It wasn 't pleasant for Michael because he did not want her to be put out on a public review before he had the opportunity to spend some real time with her . [ Prince and I ] met by chance one night at a club and started talking about an interview I had given to the Star tabloid during the scandal involving Michael Jackson and the underage boy . Prince was upset that I had spoken to the tabloid ; he attacked me for my comments and he was especially bothered by a line that quoted me as saying that Michael would never get married . He shouted , " Did you need the money that bad ? Are you that poor - that broke , that you sell your story to the tabloids ? " From then on I went through an " I want to be like Michael Jackson " phase . I can do everything he can do only I 'm a girl ! I still idolize him above any performer . He transcends almost every level , appeals to everyone . So in the nightclub I was all over the place , I combined everything . Street dance , modern dance , a bit of jazz and ballet , I was Twyla Tharp , I was Alvin Ailey , I was Michael Jackson . I didn 't care , I was free . At the same time she will come to my concert and cry . She comes there and tears rolling down her face for the song and the presentation of the song . There are some good qualities in her . Madonna laid the law down to me before we went out . " I am not going to Disneyland , okay ? That 's out . " I said , " But I didn 't ask you to go to Disneyland . " She said , " We are going to the restaurant and afterwards we are going to a strip bar . " I said , " I am not going to a strip bar . " Guys who cross - dress [ note : House of Xtravaganza ] ! " We drove to the restaurant in my car . It was dark out , but he was still wearing sunglasses . I said , ' Michael , I feel like I 'm talking to a limousine , do you think you could take off those glasses so I could see your eyes ? ' He paused for a moment , then he tossed the glasses out the window , looked at me with a wink and a smile and said , ' Can you see me now , is that better ? In that moment , I could see both his vulnerability and his charm . " Later we went back to my house to watch a movie and sat on the couch like two kids , and somewhere in the middle of the movie , his hand snuck over and held mine . It felt like he was looking for more of a friend than a romance , and I was happy to oblige . In that moment , he didn 't feel like a superstar . He felt like a human being . ( At the Oscars ) it was pouring rain , the limo door opened and Michael got out first . I got out right after him , and my bodyguard leaves with Michael under the umbrella . I was left standing in the rain . It was so fascinating to see how people responded to him . At the time I was with Madonna she was into these books , a whole library of women who were tied to walls . She said , " I love spanky books . " Why do I want to see that ? How would you like getting a phone call and she is telling you that she is putting her fingers between her legs . I would say , " Oh Madonna , please . " She said , " What I want you to when I hung up the phone is rub yourself and think of me . " That 's the kind of stuff she says . She does . When I see her she says , " This is the finger I used last night . " Wild , out of control . She is not sexy at all . Michael was also working on a commercial in a studio nearby where Madonna was shooting a movie . Madonna walked in one day and Michael was telling me something like , " You know Madonna can be naughty , a bad girl . Sometimes she needs to be spanked . " He hadn 't realized Madonna was standing right behind him . So that 's what we were doing : watching movies , having dinner , hanging out , going to the Oscars , being silly , seeing if we could work . He got relaxed . He took off his sunglasses , had a glass of wine , I got him to laugh . " Michael Jackson isn 't very masculine . He looks like Diana Ross . He has those beautiful doe eyes . He even talks like a girl and he 's conquered the world . " Madonna visited MJ in the studio exactly one time . They spent a little while in his " private " room in the back , and then she left . When I asked Michael later about her visit , he said that she " scared " him . I think we all speculated that she tried to make a " move " on him , but Michael never said . In any event , we never saw her again after that … I felt like a peasant next to them , like this big clumsy farm girl . Like , when I 'm hungry , I eat . When I 'm thirsty , I drink . When I feel like saying something , I say it . And they have these manners and they 're just so careful about what they eat and what they say . I haven 't seen that documentary [ Living With Michael Jackson ] , but it sounds disgusting , like he [ Martin Bashir ] exploited a friendship . Publicly humiliating someone for your own gain will only come and haunt you . I can assure you , all these people will be sorry . God 's going to have his revenge . There is no question that Michael Jackson is one of the greatest talents the world has ever known . That when he sang a song at the ripe old age of eight he could make you feel like an experienced adult was squeezing your heart with his words . That when he moved he had the elegance of Fred Astaire and packed the punch of Muhammad Ali . That his music had an extra layer of inexplicable magic that didn 't just make you want to dance but actually made you believe you could fly , dare to dream , be anything that you wanted to be . Because that is what heroes do and Michael Jackson was a hero . When I first heard that Michael had died … All I could think about in this moment was , " I had abandoned him . " That we had abandoned him . That we had allowed this magnificent creature who had once set the world on fire to somehow slip through the cracks . While he was trying to build a family and rebuild his career , we were all passing judgment . Most of us had turned our backs on him . I thought , " my God , he was so unique , so original , so rare , and there will never be anyone like him again . He was a king . " Michael Jackson was a human being but he was a king . Long live the king . The sweetest thing Michael said to me was , um , that I reminded him of a fawn , which is like a baby deer . He said that is what he thought I looked like . I thought that like a " Bambi , " and I thought that was very sweet . " Naomi ! Herb ! " photographer 's shout as Herb attempted to steer Naomi down the red carpet . How 's the video ? " " I want to suck Michael Jackson 's cock ! " Naomi dutifully tried to inform the free press as Herb shoved her in the door while attempting to gag her with his spare hand . We were joking ALL the time . It was like , jokemaster . It was constantly jokes , jokes , jokes . We had a lot of fun . We were like two children . We had water fights and ( giggles ) cream can fights , whipped cream can fights . UKNOWN WOMAN " Well , you know what you gotta go and find out . You can 't afford not to take a chance . I mean you can 't be completely totally alone . " She told me she goes like , " Michael , why can I never get the chance to see you and never get through to you , " and I said . . " I well I don 't wanna call you because I said you know … spend some time with you and stuff . " So she goes , " I love you Michael and I 'll do whatever it takes and all that , " right ? When she was eighteen I used to tell my lawyer John Branca , do you know Lisa Marie Presley ' cause I think she 's really cute . And he 'd laugh every time . He goes , " I 'll try my best " , that 's what he 'd say . Then he 'd come back and I 'd say " well did you find out ? " He 'd say " no , there 's nothing " . Michael wanted to meet me earlier in my life , and I said , " No way . " I thought he was a freak , and I had no interest in meeting him . But when I finally did , he immediately dashed any preconceived idea I had about him . I didn 't think of him like that when I first met him . We had something though . We were sitting talking and after 20 minutes I 'd forgotten who he was . He was very quick to , the first time I met him , sit me down and go , ' listen , I 'm not gay , I know you think this and I know you think that . And he started cursing , and he started being a real person . And I thought ' wow ' . I was always saying , ' People wouldn 't think I was so crazy if they saw who the hell you really are : that you sit around and you drink and you curse and you 're fucking funny , and you have a bad mouth , and you don 't have that high voice all the time . ' He 's not stupid , he didn 't get where he was because he 's stupid . It 's unfortunate that not a lot of people know who he really is . He doesn 't let anybody see it . And he has some idea about how he should represent himself in the public , that he thinks works for him , which is the sort - of meek victim , meek - quiet thing that he does , which is not like how he really is . So , he doesn 't let a lot of people see that . Then I met Michael and I could tell he was interested in me - we had a connection at the time . I made the mistake of saying I was not happy in my marriage , and the courting started . Flowers . Calls . Candies . You name it . . . everything started coming . " I fell in love … for him . Because he was an incredible , an incredibly dynamic person . If you were in his vicinity and he wanted to give - and he showed you who he was , and he was willing to do that in any way , meant that … I have never felt so high in my life . I have never felt so high in my life as that . I am not lying when I say that . He had something so intoxicating about him and when he was on , when he was ready to share with you or give it to you , and be himself and allow you to come in . I don 't know if I 've ever been that intoxicated by anything . Lisa , kept calling me after that . Constantly calling me . And she wanted to get together with Michael more . Lisa met with Brett a few times to talk about it , remarking that she had " a few things in common with the Jacksons and maybe she should pursue a friendship with Michael . " I always talked about him as a passionate man [ who was ] extremely loving … and that attracted Lisa , that loving part , and loving children . I began getting phone calls from an amazed Brett about this time . " He 's saying , ' Gosh , Lisa 's calling me and Lisa 's really interested in Michael ! ' " Brett 's impression , was that Michael was absorbed in his work , but that Lisa was really interested in him . " And I said , ' Come on ! What do you mean ? ' [ Brett ] said , ' You haven 't met him , but he 's very charismatic . ' And I said , ' Yeah , but I can 't believe it . ' He said , ' Yeah , she 's kind of pursuing him . ' I think it was the passion of a woman who fell in love . And Michael wasn 't even interested at all . And he is a gentleman ; he wouldn 't have wanted to pull her away from her marriage to Danny . And she pursued him . He 's not sexually seductive , but there is something riveting about him . He doesn 't let people see who he is . When he does , it 's hard to shake . Yes , she did have sincere feelings for him , according to what she told me . She did . She didn 't do it because Michael coerced her . She genuinely cared about him . She told me she knew he was interested in women . He called … I was in touch with him through the whole process of this - charges going on . I was talking to him when he disappeared . I was actually supposed to go to Santa Juan , Puerto Rico when he left and disappeared , and I got a call that he wasn 't going to be there and I was actually a part of the whole thing with him , by talking to him on the phone , so … Of course , I wouldn 't have married him at the time if I hadn 't ( felt physically attracted to him ) . It wasn 't instinctive to me right off the bat . He needed to make that overture because I wasn 't going to . Apparently , Michael Jackson is a freak in bed . Lisa said he was amazing , and she 's been around . Everyone was saying , ' No way , Lisa . It can 't be true . Michael Jackson ? Are we talking about the Michael Jackson , the one with the glove ? ' However , she wasn 't joking , and it wasn 't long before she didn 't think it was funny , either . My taste in sex is probably " porn style . " [ Laughs ] I am a little dark on the subject . I like it rough , the way they do things in porn movies . Man , we were backstage after the show , and here comes Mike with this chick , and he 's all up in her face , kissing on her , and we were saying , " Who the heck is this girl ? " Finally he introduced her : Lisa Marie Presley . You could have knocked me over with a feather . I said to the guys , " Check this out . The King of Pop and the King 's daughter , together . It had to happen . " They looked pretty cozy . Yeah , anyway we were spending a lot of time together . I don 't know how it didn 't manage to get in the press , because we weren 't hiding it . I was in Las Vegas , we were in … everywhere … bookstores . We were not hiding it . On the way to the movie theater , he turned to her and said , " Lisa , here . Come here . Sit here . " He said it just like a regular man , not in that little - boy voice of his . It was like , you 're going to sit with me , woman , and she did . I was very impressed , but I was also confused . I mean , who was this guy ? I know that he and Lisa Marie were absolutely 100 % in love because I was around them , and it was amazing . It was a great love story . I know that . Michael asked me , " Can I bring my love interest ? " It was romantic . Later , I asked Michael how things were going and he said , " Great . I just got to kiss the most beautiful girl in the world . I hope I 'm worthy of her . I think I might marry her . " For a while , those two were really getting it on . He told her that she was the only woman he could see himself marrying . And I was like , ' You gotta be kidding . ' but Lisa responded , " Myrna , you don 't understand . " Michael was the one who mentioned marriage . On the telephone . He first asked me … We were going out four months , um … right ? Four months ? I was separated for four months and I said … he said what would you do if I asked you to marry me ? And I said I would . Lisa and I were in the living room [ at Neverland ] having a glass of wine . We had just finished watching All About Eve , starring the great Bette Davis . We both love that movie . I just walked over to her , reached into my pocket and pulled out this huge diamond ring . " So what do you think ? " I asked her . " You want ? " She screamed out , " Yes , yes yes . " I never even officially popped the question . We never actually discussed marriage . It just sort of happened . We were in the library in front of the fire and he pulled this giant 10 carat diamond out of his pocket and put it on my finger . I think he got on his knees too and proposed . I did think it would be forever . Lisa didn 't live at Neverland . We visited Neverland the way … I lived at her house in the city and every once in a while we visited Neverland . It would be like our fun weekend . I honestly can tell you that it was in every sense a normal marriage and everything was spoken . In the middle of the night , if he needed to wake up and tell me , bounce something off me , and wake me up and wanna talk … if there was trouble … He was like a little gnome . I used to tell him he was a gnome running around the room because it was hard for him to sleep . A lot of times I couldn 't sleep either if he wasn 't sleeping . I 'd just hear him piddling . It was a bit endearing but then I didn 't mind it . But he did have a hard time sleeping , yes . And I really loved that role and I loved taking care of him . It was the highest point of my life , one of the very highest points of my life . When things were going really well and he and I were united together and he and I had an understanding about some of the people and the things that could go around him and he was with me on those things and we were a unit and I could take care of him . Loved being next to him , taking care of him . I was on such a high from doing that . It was a very profound time of my life . But believe me ; the love affair between them is real . It 's not a phoney marriage designed to make Michael look better . Michael definitely wants to have children with Lisa Marie - and she says she can 't wait to have his baby . The press release was Lisa Marie 's idea . She wanted to set the record straight . If it was up to me , I would have just said , " Let people think what they want . " After the ( Scientology ) test , Lisa Marie hugged him and kissed him on the lips . She was so proud and happy . It certainly looked like they were a happy couple . I was there when Lisa Marie was around . They acted like two kids in love . Held hands all the time and she hung out at the studio for quite a while . I never questioned their love for each other . We did mundane married couple things , like watch TV together . I remember Alanis [ Morissette ] broke like a bat out of hell back then . I pulled him into the room and said , ' You gotta listen to this . ' He liked her and then when she took the Grammy , he goes , ' Well , that 's your girl , you were on it . ' " For Diane Sawyer to ask all the other questions and then have someone else ask that - why ? I 'm sick of this whole stupid thing about , ' Do they have sex ? ' Somebody asked me that and I said , " No , they just sit there , look at each other and masturbate . ' I mean it 's STUPID . I wish people would shut the fuck up and leave him alone . What I saw made me think of the scene which two in love act as if they were alone in the world , in spite of the crowd which surrounds them . That only comes when two people are deeply enthusiastic about one another . I did not even need to guide Michael and Lisa . I did not need , for example , to ask them to intertwine . They spontaneously did it and most naturally . They spoke to each other in a very soft tone , the tone of two people very much in love with one another . Between shots , they were whispering and giggling to each other . They were so happy it was hard to keep their attention on the camera . They were so much into each other . I had a lot of fun with Lisa Marie on the set . But when the director said , " Action " , she became very shy . I was giving her a hard time too ! As for Nic and Michael , there were good times , but people are just interested in the bad stuff . It 's just sensationalism . With Michael , I learned a lot . Nothing was all that terrible . And I did things that hurt him . I did stupid things too . Danny was still very much part of my life . Michael didn 't quite know what to do with that sometimes . That made him uncomfortable and I understood that . Michael would wonder , " Why are you in Hawaii with Danny ? " I 'd take a vacation and Danny would go . Michael would get upset and " Where are you ? " and he would disappear for a couple of weeks and I couldn 't find him . I wanted children and she didn 't . She felt she had her kids . She promised me before we married , that would be the first thing we 'd do was have children . It disappointed me that she wouldn 't keep her promise to me , you know ? The great sex continued , though . It was the thing that made it difficult for her to see straight where he was concerned . Whatever was going on in the privacy of their bedroom was enough to keep her hooked into the relationship . However , things were getting strained . When they weren 't in bed making love , they were fighting . Michael always spoke with affection and respect for Lisa Marie Presley , with the one exception when he told me that she has wanted him to get involved with Scientology and got pushy . He had to tell her that he had no interest in becoming a Scientologist . Michael was dismissive of Scientology and spoke of how the practices of Scientologists that he had been exposed to were not sufficiently spiritual or substantive for him . As much as he can love anyone else , possibly . I don 't know how much he can access love , really . I think as much as he can love somebody he might have loved me . It was like a drug . He was like a drug for me . I felt like I just always wanted to be around him , always wanted to be part of - I felt so high . I 've never felt like that around another human being , except for one , which was my father . I was still very much in love with him when I left him . I left him to sort of stomp my foot in the ground and go … I was trying to take a stand and say , come with me , don 't do this . That was a stupid move , because he didn 't . And he 's you know , he 's a stubborn … I 'm stubborn , he 's stubborn . The two of us it was like you know … I know Lisa was great . She was a sweet person . But it is hard to tie me down . I can 't stay in one place one time so that 's why I don 't know if I can really be completely married all the time . Yes , ( marriage is too confining ) . I don 't know whether I 'm disciplined enough . But I want to say this because it 's important : I didn 't feel appreciated [ by Jackson ] . That was why I left . It might have hit him later because I never took or wanted anything . He may have realized that at some point . I have no idea . I 'm not easy to live with in that way for a wife . I not easy and I know I 'm not easy . And women want to be the center . And I remember LMP would always say to me , " I 'm not a piece of furniture . " " I 'm not a piece of furniture . " " You just can 't … " and I say , " I don 't want you to be a piece of furniture , " and you know , there 'd be some sick little girls calling on the phone and she 'd get mad and hang up on them . Lisa Marie was just with me in Africa . We ( went to ) IMAX theaters , simulated - ride safaris , dinner . We went parasailing . It was wonderful . " She regrets ( not having my baby ) . She said so . She 'd like to ( have a baby with me ) , yes , " he says putting a mischievous finger to his lips . " Shh . " The only thing I know for sure is Lisa definitely is not back with Danny . She really did visit Michael there [ the Beverly Hills hotel MJ was staying at ] . I definitely think Lisa wants Michael back . They spend a lot of time together . I talk to Mike pretty often . The hardest decision I have ever had to make , which was to walk away and let his fate have him , even though I desperately loved him and tried to stop or reverse it somehow . After the divorce , I spent a few years obsessing about him and what I could have done different , in regret . Then I spent some angry years at the whole situation . We again , were going to get back together , we spent four more years after we 'd divorced getting back together and breaking up and talking about getting back together and breaking up . At some point , I had to push it away because it was not , I wasn 't moving forward with myself . And actually afterwards , he and I were still … I was still flying all over the world still with him to follow . After we got divorced she would hang out with my mother all the time . I have all these letters saying , " I 'll give you nine children . I 'll do whatever you want . " and of course the press don 't know all these stories and she just tried for months and months and I just became too hard - hearted at that point . I closed my mind on the whole situation . I remember that 's how she felt ( regretting having his child ) at the time [ laughs ] . No matter what I say , I 'm in trouble with this question . The next issue of TV Guide will probably say " Well , Lisa said she doesn 't ever want to see him again ! " Lisa 's sweet . I like her very much and we are friends . And who knows what tomorrow brings ? I have no idea how she feels today . I 'll just say that . She comes to my house and sees the children , and we talk on the phone , that sort of thing . I 've been through two bad divorces . I just got out of the second one . Even when married to those women that I was married to , I 'd go to bed hurting . I was hurting . The last time I spoke to him was sometime in 2005 . It was a very long conversation . I was so removed from him and he could feel it and he could hear it . And I think that 's one of the things that killed me in the end too was that I was very distanced and he was checking to get a read , he was trying to throw a line out to see if I would bite emotionally and I wouldn 't . I was pretty shut off at that point . I don 't even know how I managed to be like that but I was . He asked if I still loved him and we went into a whole thing about that and I told him I was indifferent and he didn 't like that word and he cried . He was trying to find out where I was at and how I could become so detached . I go ' Hi ' . And he goes ' Hi , ' and I said , ' You know what ? Nobody does what you do better , and nobody does what I do better . Let 's get this over with . ' And he laughed , and we just became friends . It was just right away . When he went into the rehab , I remember that Debbie was so , so relieved . When Michael got out of rehab he started dating Lisa Marie . But he never stopped seeing Debbie , even after he married Lisa Marie . I know when Michael was addicted , Debbie stayed on the telephone for hours and hours , pleading with him to save himself . She told me that she said : " If you die , I will be crushed . I wouldn 't be able to survive it . You are my very life . " He 'd call and say , ' Hi what are you doing ? Do you want to get a video ? ' We 'd sneak out without security . We got caught . I thought , ' Oh my God ! This is like a Beatles film . We 're getting chased by people . We 'd go out and do stuff , sneak him into premieres and things … yeah , we had a good time , we had a good time . But it was true , just the same : Michael was seeing Debbie Rowe while he was married to Lisa . Lisa knew it . At one point , she and Debbie had a tense telephone conversation during which Lisa said : " Look , nursey . I 'm sorry that you 're in love with my husband . But he 's mine . So get lost . " I knew he wanted a family , so one day a few years ago I said to him : " Michael , I 'll give you the baby you want . " He said no . He said he wanted a traditional family . So he married Lisa Marie . When that broke up , when she left him , I said " I 'm serious , I 'll give you the baby you want . " I know that they had sex together . That 's what she told me . That Debbie had sex with Michael … I have no doubt . I wasn 't in the bedroom . But I have no doubt that when she would tell me her - these little things about their private life - that it would … Sleeping with Michael was the weirdest experience of my life . I once had to pretend I was a peasant girl at his ranch while he put on a suit of armor and conquered me . Michael was an incredible lover who left me exhausted . We 'll take suites with two rooms . I need my space . When I need to sleep , I need to sleep . He 'll stay up until 4 am pacing , thinking . Sometimes he 'll come up to me in the middle of the night when I 'm asleep and stick things in my nose or my ear and wake me up . Sometimes I wake up and I won 't hear him and I 'll be in a panic . When I realise he 's asleep , I go into his room and climb into bed with him because than we can sleep together . One of the best things to do is … what I think … When you love someone … don 't you ever wake up in the middle of the night and just look at ' em ? And see the beauty . I mean that 's … peace . That 's … calm . That 's , that 's how that person is . You know you don 't see the stress of the day or what 's going on , you know . And I could sit and stare at him for hours . ' Cause it was calm . At the time when the story broke , Debbie was supposed to meet him in Australia . She presumed that the trip would be off , that Michael would be so upset about what had happened that he would refuse to see her . She cried a lot that day . We call it investigative journalism . She really is Michael Jackson 's best friend . Theirs is a brotherly - sisterly love . She didn 't do this for monetary gain , but monetary gain will result . She made it clear her role is to deliver ( the baby ) to Jackson after three to four weeks . It will be looked after by two nannies hired by Jackson . I picked up the telephone , hoping it was Michael calling for Debbie from Australia , and this woman said : " Would you please put Miss Rowe on the phone ? " ' I thought it was a reporter , so I said : " She 's not here . " And the woman said : " Well this is Michael Jackson 's mother . I simply must find her . " Immediately handed Debbie the phone . Debbie is a nurse who loves her work , who loves taking care of people . Every day she wants to get up and look after others , to help them and make them better . That 's why I love her , and that 's what gives her bliss in life , God bless her . I haven 't abandoned him , a lot of people think I 've abandoned him , I haven 't abandoned him . I haven 't abandoned my husband . I 'm there , it 's not like I 'm that far away . I can be there in 13 hours . I 'm really independent , and Michael understands that , and I 'm really fortunate to have a husband who does understand that . Who knows that I need to work , and I need to have my own self . Because he is so big , and he is so Michael . I don 't need to live with him 24 hours a day . And he 's working right now . And when he comes home we 'll have time , and we 'll be together more . We are a family unit . Michael and I will always be connected with the kids . I will always be there for him . I will always be there for the children . And people make remarks , oh , I can 't believe she left her children . Left them ? I left my children ? I did not leave my children . My children are with their father where they 're supposed to be Michael would kill me if I said that ( we had sex ) , I refuse to discuss those details . But I will say that he 's a normal man , he 's a red blooded man . He 's very flirtatious , he loves women . He was the love of my life . When you look at him , you don 't see the freakish appearance that comes through in pictures . I see his heart . Michael and I used to talk about show biz alot . He gave me alot of advice . He knew I wanted to be an actress , so he put me in Is This Scary and Ghosts . I 'll always be grateful to him for that . He did not want me to do it . Sometimes he didnt know what was best for himself though ! Thankfully , after I did it he thanked me ( although he asked me not to do any more interviews . . lol ! ) The most touching moment for me was when Rebbie spotted me . She came over to me and gave me a big hug . She thanked me for being there for her brother and told me she had heard so many good things about me . That meant so much to me and I 'll always have a soft spot in my heart for Rebbie . Lisa did a FANTASTIC job in articulating exactly how it felt . The interview was great . I was in tears through the whole thing . I completely relate , and I understand . " What is the definition of cool ? Michael Jackson made " Heal the World . " He could do that because he was golden . He was himself . He didn 't have to try to be cool . Think about a lot of your favorite bands or groups . Would they make a song called " Heal the World " ? No , because they are too concerned about their leather jackets . Ironically , they are probably wearing leather jackets because of Michael Jackson . " |
Posted on October 13 , 2014 by Wendy 9 There are days when you have a hard time . Days when you can 't think of anything but what is going wrong . It 's on those days that I find it most important to step back and look around me at the things I 'm grateful for . Today is a day I want to really look around and pay attention to what is in front of me , I know I have so much to be grateful for ! I 'm grateful I woke up today . What ? You think I 'm joking ? I thought I 'd start at the beginning of my day , and I thought what is the first think I 'm grateful for today ? I 'm grateful I 'm here . I 'm grateful that I 'm alive . I 'm grateful I can breathe . Oh there is a good one ! Last night I had a very difficult time breathing , I coughed and coughed , and had a hard time taking a deep breath . I had used my inhaler and it didn 't seem to do anything . I did a nebulizer treatment , and I could breathe better , but of course I had the shakes for a long time afterward ( I really hate that thing , a necessary evil ) . Then I started coughing again , and well , it was a not so great breathing night . Just one of those nights for me . I did sleep without much coughing , so that is great ! We 're working on getting the chronic bronchitis under control , but haven 't gotten there yet . I 'm not complaining . Last night was a rougher night than usual , the weather changed … . rainy , damp … that makes it worse . Again , not complaining , just stating the facts . I accept it as it is , and I am fine with it . I will be going to a new pulmonologist soon and we will work at getting this more under control . I am very grateful that I can breathe better today . I 'm grateful my husband can walk our new dog every morning , and she is so good about it ! When we first talked about getting another dog Stuart said he didn 't want to have to walk it . Then we met Kiki , and knew she was the right dog . I was having hip problems , but thought it was going to be over very soon . The doctors thought it was just a little inflammation , I was scheduled to get a hip injection and they thought that would be the end of it . So when we decided to start fostering Kiki , I had planned to be the major caregiver . Little did we know I would fall the night after my injection causing me to have a herniated disc in my back , and now a month later , I 'm still not walking Kiki . I 'm still not walking much at all . However , Kiki is the best dog about taking walks . If you are in a hurry , she will go very fast . She isn 't the kind of dog who will just go out and sniff and sniff just for the sake of it . If you go out and walk out to the tree and then walk back toward the house , she will go . No problem . Often , in the mornings she will run Stuart outside , go real fast , and run back in and go back to bed ! She says … . " Bye Dad ! I 'm ready to go back to sleep ! " He has even said that he likes taking her for walks ! I 'm a little envious . I 'm very grateful they have bonded and the walking issue , never became an issue ! I 'm very grateful my doctor thinks my herniated disc will heal with just a little physical therapy . Yep , right now I 'm bored out of my mind . I 'm so tired of not being able to do anything . I can 't walk far without pain , I keep waking up because of pain , I can 't sit long without pain , well it just hurts . I 'm so relieved that the spine specialist thinks that I will heal with very conservative treatment ! Yay ! ! I 'll happy dance when I can ! ! I 'm grateful I didn 't gain weight while taking steroids . Oh boy , oh boy can we get happy about this one ? ! The steroids made me go out of my mind , I was climbing the walls and wanted to destroy people , but I didn 't gain weight ! I didn 't weigh myself for the past month , it was too hard to try to step on the scales , I finally weighed this past week . I lost 4 pounds ! For inquiring minds … . that is a total of 44 pounds lost so far ! ! I 'm grateful I understand I can 't trust my emotions right now because of the steroids . I was actually very proud of myself for my self control and for understanding that it was the steroids that were making me feel so horrible . They are still nagging at me a bit , I have one more dose , but you know it will take a little while before they are out of my system … . so I can 't trust my emotions . That is a good thing to keep in mind . It is very difficult for someone who is bipolar to feel this way . I am always very on top of my emotions , very in tuned to how I 'm feeling . I have to be . If I start noticing that my feelings are our of sync with how they should be , I need to talk to my doctor . By this I mean , I need to watch out if react to something in an inappropriate way . For instance , the other day , I said to Stuart , " Why don 't you use your damn common sense once in a while ? ! ? " in reaction to him just asking me a simple question . This was VERY inappropiate ! I do not talk to him that way , and I couldn 't calm down . I was sitting there suddenly saying … . " I don 't act like this any more ! I don 't feel like this anymore ! " I took some deep breaths , centered myself , and calmed down . Apologized over and over to my dear husband and explained I couldn 't help it and it would probably happen again . I was full of anger I couldn 't control and he was probably going to get the brunt of it . He was a dear sweet love and hugged me and understood . Yes , he did get it a couple of other times , nothing like that time , and we dealt with it very well because we talked about it and how thI 'm grateful for a small place to live . I 'm grateful for a place to live that is safe . I 'm grateful for a place to live that is peaceful . I 'm grateful for our place . I have been a little ungrateful for out little place lately , and just now I realized just how very grateful I am for this place . I really do love this little place in many ways . I love that it is small . I am very grateful I do not have to climb stairs right now . I couldn 't . It is so much easier for me to get around this little place . I have been feeling a bit claustrophobic in here lately , and way too isolated . I know it 's because I just can 't do anything . My mind wants to do something and my body says NO . ( yeah I 'm working on that ) I 'm very grateful that of all the places we looked at to rent we found this peaceful little place . It is quiet here , ( yes that is so important to a deaf person … haha ) . There is little traffic on the street . There are more people out walking their dogs in my neighborhood than there their are cars that pass by ! I just think that is so cool ! Yes , as I write this little piece I 'm much more grateful about the place I live . I 'm grateful Kiki loves her new toy so much ! Yes it is the little things that bring joy into our lives ! Kiki loves her little toy so much ! She has forsaken all of her other toys for the one she picked out at the pet store . It is a little beaver … I think . It has a recycled bottle inside so it crunches , and it has a squeaky toy in the tail . She loves this thing so much ! She carries it around , and gets so excited . She will chase it , she will play hide and seek with it , she will run and get it and bring it to you just to show it to you … . . " Look ! LOOK ! SEE ! my toy ! ! ! ! " She takes it to bed with her . She doesn 't play with it in bed , no she just has to have it with her . If I 'm in a different room she will go check on me then she will go and get her toy and bring it to the door and show it to me … . like she is showing the toy where I am ? ? Then she will leave . She has so much fun with her toy , and it brings me much joy playing with her with it , and just watching her with this toy ! I will never get tired of watching her play ! I 'm grateful my husband took me out yesterday for a short trip to the mall and I found a bra that fit - First Try On ! ! ! don 't really need to follow up on that one … . but I will ! I must say , this is the very first time this has happened , and it is amazing to me . After losing so much weight I went in and completely guessed my size ! I was not up to trying on a lot , this bra was on mega sale and I thought , OK , I 'll try it . I had on an old bra that was too small , so I adjusted the size from it … . and Wow ! I 'm still amazed that it fit , and it just looks and feels so great . No gaps , no pinching , no pulling … . . I 'm a happy woman ! It was also on such a mega sale I won 't feel bad if when I lose more weight and soon need a different size ! One thing that is a little different about me losing weight … . I have bigger boobs . I 've always liked my breast . I have felt they were just the right size , not too big , not too small … just right . When I gain weight , they have always stayed pretty much the same . They didn 't get really big with me . ( a lot of women gain a lot there , I didn 't . ) Yes I 'm silly , but just thinking about it , if things keep going as they are I 'm going to be a bit bigger . Right now I 'm a cup size bigger than I normally am at this band size . Stuart likes it . hahaha However , I can 't imagine him not liking anything about my body … . he is a bit biased . and I 'm very grateful for that ! oh there is so much to be grateful for ! ! I 'm feeling so much better than I was when I started this post ! I 'm grateful I have so much to be grateful for . . . here 's a few more … . I 'm grateful I got to tell my sister how I was feeling about some things . It doesn 't matter if things don 't change , I 'm just so grateful that we talked and I know she knows some things now that were stuck in my head and I needed to let it out . It 's hard to put some things in the past if you don 't know if other people have put it there , or heck , if they even know about it . Yeah , try to wrap your head around that one . I just feel better about things . I 'm grateful for that . I 'm grateful that I 'm emotional . ( no one needs to understand that one . It just really used to bother me , now , I 'm glad . I like having deep feelings . It may hurt a lot sometimes , but it is also pretty darn great other times . Being " emotional " is not a bad thing . ) I 'm grateful I found this meditation on forgiveness … . I needed it … . Forgiveness Meditation ( this is just a written page , not a link to a guided meditation , read if you want . I liked it a lot . ) I 'm grateful I have clean water . ( I really don 't like the water from our tap here , we have started using bottled water , and I 'm so grateful for it . It really makes me think a lot about people who can 't get clean water at all . I 'm so very grateful that not only do I have running water in my home , but I am able to get wonderfully clean water whenever I want it . I 'm grateful I have access to fresh food . Something else I have thought about a lot lately . I have talked a lot about the change in my diet , how I 've lost so much weight and how much healthier I am because of my new eating habits . I haven 't mentioned some of the other things I 've noticed that I can only attribute to my diet change . My hair is thicker . My fingernails smoother and less brittle . My skin is clearer . I can tell you I haven 't changed my hair products , nor have I done anything different to my nails , so I can only attribute those changes to my diet . I did change my facial wash , but I will admit I don 't use it every day . I am a self proclaimed foodie . I love good food . I love fresh food . I 'm grateful that even though we have had very lean times over the past couple of years , we have always managed to eat as fresh as possible . We have cut corners every where we could so we could spend a little more on our groceries . We do still spend wisely in the grocery store , but let 's face it , fresh fruits , veggies , and high quality meats are expensive . For some people it is a matter of choice , but sometimes it is a matter of not being able to afford food … period . Can you imagine if you simply could not afford to buy groceries at all ? There are so many people who go to bed hungry every night . So many people who are malnourished . My gratefulness about food is huge . I 'm so grateful that I now have the knowledge to be able to nourish my body in a healthy way , and am able to provide it with all the food that it needs . Do I wish it were different ? Sometimes … . I 'm working on a NO for that answer , but I think " Sometimes " is pretty good . I still love my life , just as it is , even if nothing changes , even if it gets worse , I still love my life ! ! I recently wrote a post that could easily have taken up 3 posts worth of writing . You know if I wrote that much in one sitting I have a lot on my mind . You also know if I 'm making up words to say how I feel , I 'm in a one heck of a state ! Some of the things I have written you will still see , I 'm breaking it up into a couple of post , some of it you won 't … . I have decided I just can 't talk about it here . Maybe some day , but not now . I want to , I think it will help some people , but it 's just something that I can 't talk about yet , at least not here . And that 's hard on me , for a number of reasons . So … on to what I will talk about … ( and it turns out this post is MUCH longer than anticipated … . yep it 's one of those days . as you get to the end you will understand , but forgive any errors please , I couldn 't go through and edit this , I am in too much pain . But I wanted to get it posted . at least part of it needs a voice … . . ) Saturday my father and sister came for a little visit . It was nice . Even though we only live one state away we don 't get to see each other much . They don 't get to come often , and I can 't travel very often . Unfortunately , since our trip to Tucson , 2 years ago , I haven 't been able to travel at all . I thought it was going to be better the last few months , but then I hurt my hip . Now I can 't ride in the car across town without being in severe pain . So who knows when I can go to South Carolina . Thankfully , my sister brought my dad to see me . We had a nice lunch and visit , then they were on their way . Before they came I decided to get a shot of Toradol , an anti - inflamatory to help me not be in intense pain while they were here . I wish I could have them more often , but you can 't take them on a regular basis . I was very pleased that I could visit with them without worrying too much about the pain . I was also happy I could hear them fairly well . I couldn 't hear my father at first , but after a little while I realized if I sat closer to him I could hear him better . What a relief . I felt bad that I could understand everyone else , but was having such difficulty understanding him . All in all , a good visit . After they left I decided my hip was still feeling well enough we could go and meet the dear lady from the agency who had Kiki and make her adoption final . So off the Pet Supermarket we went . Luckily , they are very nice there and let me have a chair to sit in while we shopped a bit and adopted our newest family member . Since the vet thinks Kiki is between 1 1 / 2 and 2 1 / 2 we decided that her adoption date is her 2nd birthday ! So September 27th is her birthday ! She was lavished with gifts . She got a new sweater , because she has been cold on some of these early fall mornings when she goes out . It is red , and looks quite fetching on her sleek black and white body . She also got a new toy that she loves ! She has abandoned all of her other toys for this toy , it is so funny ! She also got a new tag , a little purple heart with her name and phone number on it … . we need to get her microchip reprogrammed . She is officially ours now ! I was so very happy when we were in the store and one of the people who work there told me that he had seen Kiki so often when she was there waiting to be adopted and she looks like a different dog . She is so happy and well mannered . He said it is amazing how much she has changed in just the short time we have had her . That couldn 't have made me happier . I knew then , that yes , Kiki really was meant to be our little girl . Saturday night I was getting ready for bed . I was sitting on the side of the bed taking my night meds and suddenly I felt the Meniere 's signals . Okay , this has not been unusual lately . I 've been very acute for the past month or more . Having mini attacks many times a day , so I wasn 't worried . I took a deep breath and calmly tried to focus . Then FLUSH . . heat through my body . Ugh . OK . Calm . Focus . You got this . Whoosh . better lie down . Focus . feel the hand on the table it is steady . you are not moving . HEAT . HOT . I ' M ON FIRE . Stuart walks in . " Attack ? " " yep . ice . " Focus . breathe deep . calm . calm . Spinning faster . wow . deep breath . focus calm . you got this . it 's ok . spin . stop . spin . stop . breath … . . Ice . . Good ! Still hot . chest hurts . can 't breath deep . calm . spinning fast still . calm . calm . it 's ok . it 's part of you . you can do it . " Stuart … shot please " focus calm . calm . so tired . ( took meds earlier . Stuart got shot ready , ( I 'm lucky I have Phenergan shots available to me , it is an anti - nausea / vomiting drug ) he was about to give it to me and dropped it . Couldn 't find it . suddenly spinning stopped . yes . OK . rest . BAM . started going the other way ! What the ? OK … calm down . but this is weird . you can do it . focus . feel your hand . - what the heck is happening ? this is not right . - it 's all OK . focus . calm calm . focus . it 's just different . - no , this is very different . now it 's jumping all around . what is going on ? - calm down . calm down . calm calm . focus . it 's kind of freaking me out he can 't find that shot - focus on your focal point . it will be alright . - I need the damn shot ! I 'm getting scared . - shhhh . calm down . focus . focus . breathe . calm . . calm . this is not real . the room is not moving . You are not moving . calm breathe . - Ah … shot . It will be better soon . - Calm … calm … shhh . AH ! oh my gosh … . " Stuart " . " I 'm right here babe . I 'm not leaving you . " " I can 't stay awake . I 'm all dopey . If I fall asleep it gets worse ! I 'm so sick . I 'm scared . It hurts . My stomach hurts . " " I 'm right here , you are safe . I 'll try and keep you awake if you want " This went on for a long while . I kept dozing off no matter what . It was horrible . I would wake up spinning even more ! Then I got VERY sick . I was going to throw up . But nothing came up . I just gagged , and coughed , and mucus from my lungs came up . I couldn 't take a breath in ! I had this huge gag that felt like vomit was coming up but it was like a HUGE burp came up then I couldn 't breathe . My lungs hurt . I was having an asthma attack and trying to throw up at the same time ! I was so afraid I was going to have to go to the ER because I could not breathe . Stuart was holding me putting my inhaler in my mouth for me . I got enough in to breathe again . ( afterward he told he kept watching to make sure I was getting in some air and not having any signs of needing oxygen … . but he is also thinking we may need to see about getting oxygen for me at home . ) Finally , it calmed down enough that when I dozed I stayed asleep . And I slept ! The pain from my hip did not wake me up at all that night . I was so exhausted . I felt so bad . I was trying so hard not to feel like I handled thing badly . I really freaked out . I panicked bad . I couldn 't stay mindful . I couldn 't accept what was happening to me . I hated my body , I hated my life , I was afraid I was dying and hoping I 'd just hurry up and die at the same time . This is not what I have been working so hard on . This is not mindfulness . But it is . Mindfulness is a practice . You can 't beat yourself up if you don 't live up to your expectations all the time . Mindfulness is not just about making it better . It is about feeling how you are , how things are now , and not being judgmental about it . It is about being gentle with yourself . On Saturday night , I could not accept my condition . I could not handle my situation without panicking . That was the way it was . I could feel every nerve in my body screaming that it wanted this to end . I couldn 't accept that this was just the was it was … I fought it . But I was there with it . I had a hard time looking back at it non - judgmentally . But now I can . I can look back and say , I had a damn hard night . I handled it the best I could . Things happened that have never happened before , and it really scared me . Who knows , I may have handled it better than I would have in the past , because of my mindfulness practice ? I 'm okay with how I handled it . At first I was sad about it . I felt like I failed myself . I didn 't . Mindfulness is hard . Living mindfully is not easy . But it does making living your life easier . Or at least it has mine . So I 'm off to being more accepting of how my life is , even when it 's that bad . It 's my life . It 's much easier on me when I accept that . If I try to fight it , it makes it worse . It really is better when I accept that I have my illnesses , and I have the symptoms , and all the things that they cause . I have found that I can deal with those symptoms better when I stop fighting them so hard . I feel better . I cope better . Heck , the symptoms have been easier . I 'm just saying how I feel about all of this , I 'm feel I 'm just testifying . . haha . I 'll write a more coherent post about this sometime . With references . Or maybe I 'll find a guest writer . Who knows . For now , we 'll just see how it goes with me … . hope that 's alright with all of you . On Sunday , I decided I couldn 't stand the pain and the constant Meniere 's attacks any longer . They use steroids to break both cycles . However , too high of a dose of steroids can really mess you up with Meniere 's and make you have worse attacks . So I started on the dose that the urgent care doctor gave me and put a call in to my otologist at Duke on Monday . Unfortunately , it was phone tag for a few days , and then he wasn 't comfortable messing with this prescription . I do not think he understood the situation ! ! I am so beside myself right now ! I mean right now , I just found out about this . I am looking at these pills trying my best to figure out the best way to ramp down off of them without it being too drastic . Going from 4 on one day to 2 on the next is not a good idea . So I take out the prescription bottle and count how many I have left . 10 . Wait , I should have more than that to meet the original prescription . I count again . 10 . STRESS ! I filled this prescription weeks ago . Will the pharmacy really believe they shorted me ? Thankfully , yes they did . I got 6 more pills . I can do this . Breathe . Take the day as it comes , and accept it . That 's all I can do . So … . I sit down and think . I will figure out how to ramp down the steroids that is between the prescription the urgent care doctor gave me and the prescription my ear doctor gave me before . I 'm sure I 'll be fine . It 's not quite such a severe drop between going down . Should I be messing with my prescription ? Heck I don 't know ! But I feel better , with this regimen . I 'm too afraid to ramp down so fast . and I 'm too tired to read over it to fix any errors . I 'm being a very bad blogger . I hope you will forgive me . I just fell again today … . I 'm not going to write about that now ! I 'll tell all about my back / hip / leg pain after my doctor 's visit on the 6th ! I 'm sorry , but I 'm not up to being an editor today . 🙂 My back / hip / leg thing … just isn 't going to get better if I keep falling is it ? Of course , that 's why I 'm falling ! ! I can handle it … . . one moment at a time . I can handle anything for a moment , after all , isn 't that really all we know we have , this moment ? She was very scared and shy . She wanted me to pet her , but wasn 't sure . Then she looked at me and I think she suddenly she realized , I was a good one . I bent down to her and she came up to my face and gave me the tiniest lick on my nose . Tears welled in my eyes . I knew this dog needed me . Her name is Kiki . She is about 2 1 / 2 years old . She is a Terrier mix . Looks like she is probably a Rat Terrier , with maybe some Chihuahua in there ? She is a little thing , she weighs about 13 lbs . One of the first things you will notice about her is that she has a crooked front left leg . This is part of her sad history . Kiki has had a rough life so far . We know she was in an abusive situation , that is where the broken leg came from . It healed without being tended to . I can 't imagine the pain she had to have been in . She then ended up in a shelter where she was adopted by a lady who had 11 dogs . She was a hoarder . The dogs were not house trained . They were not socialized or exercised . Her neighbor had adopted a cat from the agency that ended up with Kiki , the Tasha , the founder of the agency , tried to talk the lady into letting her find homes for some of the animals but she wouldn 't let her . The lady was subsequently evicted and that is when the Tasha got Kiki . She had her for a month trying to get her socialized , at least partially house trained , and just calm before trying to find her a forever home . Kiki has been with her for about 3 months and has really shown what a wonderful dog she is . When we first met Kiki she would growl at Stuart sometimes . Actually , she growled here and there at anyone . Stuart said she growled at me a couple of times , but I never heard it . ( the wonders of being deaf , huh ? ) We talked to her Tasha and asked about fostering her for a little while before deciding about adoption , explaining that we weren 't sure if our big old cat would accept a dog in the family . We did foster a dog for a little while once before and Max did not accept him at all . However , he was a big dog , and a puppy . We were hopeful that this situation would be different . Kiki is smaller than Max , and she has lived with cats before so she is used to them . Tasha understood and said she was willing to let us foster her for a few weeks before we adopted her . We took an application with us to talk it over and get things started . She was not too sure she really wanted to be here at first . I felt so bad . She was very attached to Tasha . Kiki cried and cried when she left her with us . After a few hours she got a bit more settled . She did play some with me that night , and slept curled up beside me . It became apparent she was going to bond with me , but it was going to be a little bit harder with Stuart . So I had him give her treats , and spend more time with her and suddenly I came out to find … . They are best buddies now ! She is still wary of him when he has on his work clothes , but she warms up fast as soon as he puts on his every day clothes . I guess she just doesn 't like a man dressed up ! She used to get very upset when she got crowed . We live in a small place now , if two people pass in the hall , it is crowded . Kiki would often growl and cower if we were suddenly over her , she has gotten used to it now . She is adapting so fast , I 'm so very proud of her . In these two pictures you can see how her leg healed when it was broken . We still have to take her to see a vet to see if she is in pain , or if this will affect her in her later in life , or if there is anything we should do about it ? We know we can 't afford to pay for her to have major reconstructive surgery at this time , but if she needs to have surgery , we can start to save for it now . She does not act as if it hurts . She runs and jumps without favoring it . In the photo it looks as if she is favoring it , but when she walks she puts her weight on it . It breaks my heart to know someone hurt her like that . I can only promise her that I will try my best to make sure no one ever hurts her again . We were asked if we would keep her name . We thought about it … . should we change it ? Truthfully , we wouldn 't have named her Kiki , but she likes it . She listens to it . We thought about changing it to Mini , it sounds close so I 'm sure she would get used to it . We thought it would be cute because we have a Max . But she 's Kiki . Stuart often calls her Kikster ! He has also called her Yoda because of her ears . She does have Yoda ears . A friend said she could have multiple names , Kiki Mini Yoda … now we keep playing around and singing her songs every night adding names on to her . hahaha However , she is Kiki . We knew it was a good sign between Kiki and Max when they didn 't chase each other . They were a little curious , but mainly stayed out of each others way . Then on day 3 I was lying in bed reading and Kiki fell asleep on one side of me , and Max came up and went to sleep on the other side . I was in a pet sandwich ! Wow ! I was amazed ! Then yesterday I walked in the living room and saw this : They had both taken my seat ! Most importantly though , I think they are pretty comfortable with each other ! Every once in a while they will chase each other . I 'm not sure if they are really chasing each other , or playing . I think they are playing . When they catch each other , they just stop . It 's kind of funny . We haven 't officially adopted Kiki yet . However , we do plan to . We just want to have her checked out by the vet first . I can 't imagine what they could possibly say that would make us not adopt her . We just feel it would be irresponsible for us to go into this adoption without knowing everything . For those of you who have followed my blog for a while know how much the loss of my dog Sandy left a huge open hole in my heart . It has been about 2 1 / 2 years since she died . We feel it is a good time for us to add a new member into our pack . We think Kiki is a good fit . I also feel Sandy has had a little paw in selecting her . There have been a few little things that she does that are just so " Sandy " . Suddenly I can talk about Sandy without crying . I feel this sadness lifted . She has not been replaced in any way , I feel she wanted me to help another dog the way I helped her . I feel like I 'm fulfilling a promise , and her memory is living on in this new little furry baby . This has been a very joyful time and a very hard time for me . People who are going to adopt a pet have many things to consider . Chronically ill people have many more things to consider . This is a huge responsibility . I have been doing so much better recently I thought I could take care of Kiki mostly on my own . I was writing stories of the future . Just as worrying does no good because we can 't do anything about the future , expecting the future to be as the same as it is today is also fruitless . Everything changes . We have to remember , we can 't predict the future . When things hit us from out of the blue , we have to make room for it and adjust . Wego HealthI 'm not a Doctor ! I don 't even play one on TV . ( if you are young , you probably won 't get this joke . ) I do not give advice . This is not a professional blog . I make many mistakes . If you expect to read perfect grammar , or want someone to tell you what to do , you may be in the wrong place . I Love Comments ! I love to hear from my readers . Any comments , suggestions , support , or just saying hello will help make all this worth it . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
This sweet little pile of goodness brings me so much joy ! ! ! I could watch them for hours . They don 't do much right now , but they are so innocently sweet . They are only 4 days old and they are very similar to newborn babies . They eat , sleep and snuggle . Just like when my children were wee little , I am in awe of them . It is amazing that they would grow and develop into these diverse little darlings . I can 't wait until they open their eyes and start playing ! ! ! We didn 't plan on the puppies . This is Holly . She is a foster dog that I care for and love until she is adopted by a loving family . She was pulled from a kill shelter on the day that she was going to be euthanized . I am so grateful that Danielle from Dash Animal Rescue saved her ! She is such a sweet little girl . She is only a puppy herself at only 9 months old . When she first came to stay with us , she was a very sick little girl . She had Kennel Cough and couldn 't hold anything down . She didn 't have an appetite and slept all the time . Little did we know that she was experiencing morning sickness while sick with kennel cough . After a few weeks we noticed that she was gaining weight and we thought it was because she was getting better . When she started to change in ways that only a pregnant dog could I took her to the vet . Dr . Kelleher performed an ultrasound and we learned that she was pregnant with at least three ! This was not good news since she was only a puppy and since there are so many dogs and puppies without a home to call their own . I couldn 't help it though . . . I was excited ! : ) Since we didn 't know when she became pregnant we really didn 't know when she would deliver . We read up online and learned that she was at least 45 days along since we saw the spines on the ultrasound and dog gestation is 63 days . She would have her puppies within a 20 day period . I started to read all about dogs giving birth and how to help . I learned that sometimes mommy dogs don 't get their puppies out in time and they die from suffocation . I hoped and prayed that she would deliver when I was awake and home from work . Well . . . prayers aren 't always answered and the night before she was going to see the vet , Holly woke us all up with loud yelps ! I ran into my son 's room and there was a puppy on the floor still in the sack and the second puppy was already being born . I knew what to do ! With only a slight hesitation , I grabbed the sack and ripped it open . I didn 't think that I had made it in time as the puppy lay lifeless in my arms , but then she took a BIG breath and started to move . Whew ! Holly continued to deliver puppy after puppy after puppy . . . She had SEVEN in all ! ! ! ! I know that dogs sometimes have bigger litters , but Holly is only 11 pounds herself ! One of the puppies was stillborn , which was so so sad . I know that Holly did her very best and that is what is important . I have to laugh at myself because I worry about those puppies just like I did my own children . Are they warm enough ? Are they eating enough ? Are they sleeping enough or too much ? It is so joyful and so unnerving all at the same time . : ) Only one of the puppies has a name and that Deb Lairson What has slicing taught me ? I am sure that I will forget something , but I am going to use my slice today to attempt to list many of the great advantages of slicing ( and some of my new learning too ! ) . 1 . Audience - I love to write with and for other people , but rarely write when it 's just for me . It is ESSENTIAL that my students have an audience for their writing . 2 . Feedback is a must ! After writing my post for the day , I would check my inbox to see if anyone had commented on my post . It is so exciting to get feedback from others when you are writing . 3 . Feedback does not always elicit revision . Sometimes feedback is just feedback . You can revise after receiving feedback , but sometimes you just want to enjoy it . 4 . Don 't be too intense about making sure that everyone has walked away with a specific thing each day . I worry about what the take away is with my students and I am pretty hard on myself . I think that for awhile anyway , kids need to write to build community , develop an atmosphere of sharing and giving feedback . They really need to be comfortable and if I am sitting next to them asking them what they learned about writing that day ( or sometimes telling them ) , it can suck the joy out of writing . 5 . You can use any container for any topic . I learned this when I was in the writing project , but really noticed the truth of this statement as I was writing . 6 . Writing is fun ! It doesn 't have to be laborious . 7 . Ralph Fletcher was right all those years ago when he said to write what matters . Those topics tend to flow . 8 . I CAN write for 31 days in a row ! ! ! ! I LOVE TO SLICE ! ! ! : ) Posted by If you didn 't know , today is world bipolar day . It is a day for people with bipolar disorder to tell others about their disorder and their success with that disorder . If you didn 't read my earlier post about my son Connor , you would not know that my son has bipolar disorder . I initially thought about writing a post to Connor , in letter format , as I have seen other slicers do . Then I thought more about it . Bipolar disorder has not just effected Connor . It has effected each of the members of our family in different ways . So here 's to my family and their amazing love for each other . . . To Tim ( my husband ) - I am sorry that Connor has been " sick " for much of his life as I know that neither one of us would choose that for him . Thank you for loving him anyway . Thank you for sticking around because I am sure that there have been times when you wanted to run for the boarder ! : ) This journey would have been so much harder without you by my side . Thank you ! I love you ! To Emma - You have been an amazing big sister to Connor ! You have always been there for him . I remember you trying to calm him down so many times and sometimes you were the only one who could . I wanted to protect you from the bad times , but you wouldn 't let me . You jumped right in and loved your brother no matter what ! I truly believe that God gave you a gift that I have seen in very few others that helps you to be there . You talk him down . You give him a reason to live . You never give up . : ) You have also been there for your baby sister . She was so scared of Connor 's behavior sometimes and you helped to get her out of harms way and you distracted her when she was worried or afraid . I am so sorry that you had to deal with some of the things that you have . I wouldn 't wish the hard times on anyone and I wish I could have made them better for you . I love you very much . You are strong and brave and you have a HUGE loving heart . Thank you for sharing that with your family . To Connor - I am so sorry that your life is not easy , that you have been so sick that you didn 't even want to live anymore . I am very proud of you for sticking it out . I know that you have been in some places that I never could have imagined sending you and for that I am sorry . Your comfort sometimes had to come second to your survival . We have been in some scary places together , but at the end of the day you were always willing to do what you needed to do to get better . I am so grateful for that ! Don 't every stop taking your meds . You need them to survive . It is more than just mood swings for you sweetheart . If you are not on your meds , you are not yourself and it almost always ends in a hospital stay . You need to remember that bipolar disorder to you is what diabetes is to me . We have to take our medicine to stay healthy . You are NOT bipolar disorder . You HAVE bipolar disorder . You can do whatever you want as long as you take care of yourself . I love you ! To Abbie - You were so scared when you were little . I am so sorry that you were . You have so Posted by I don 't go out very often . I usually get everything I need to get done and then shower and watch my recorded shows in the evening . Last night , however , my friend Michelle asked me to go out and I thought , what the heck ? I haven 't been out in forever and it really sounds like fun ! We went to a place called the Bluestone which ironically , used to be a Baptist Church . We didn 't know what to expect , but quickly found out that there was a country concert there . Exciting ! We went in and ordered our first drinks ( one of two for me since I was driving ) and walked around to check things out . The first musician was getting started and so we went onto the dance floor and danced around to the music . Pretty soon , we were talking to the people around us and dancing in a group . It was SO MUCH FUN ! : ) I felt like I was 22 and danced like I was 22 ( nothing like the girls in the video - I was NEVER that cool ) . I raised my glass and hooted and hollered like I was 22 . I 'm not saying that I am going to do this very often , but for right now , I have to tell you how important it is for all of us to make sure that our lives are balanced with work and fun . Don 't spend your life at home . Get out and explore ! It will seriously be good for your spirit ! : ) So as not to mislead you , I will tell you that if you are in your 40 's and you haven 't danced in a REALLY long time , you will NOT feel like you are 22 when you get out of bed the next morning ! LOL Thank goodness I had a scheduled massage today ! : ) I leave you with the song that inspired my title . . . Enjoy and Happy Dancing ! Goodbye Scale ! ! ! I have been trying ( using this loosely ) to lose weight for about 18 years now . When I was young , I was a skinny little thing who could eat EVERYTHING in sight and not bat an eye . I never gained a pound . This lasted all the way through college . Then I got pregnant with my oldest child and I ate so much ! : ) I thought I had a tapeworm before I knew I was pregnant . LOL I lost the weight after E , but then I was pregnant with C by the time E was one . Whew ! I was crazy hungry again . . . I tried to have self control , but it was an epic fail . One day I ate a WHOLE box of turtles ( and slept for 2 1 / 2 hours after ) . Bad choice , but anyway . . . I gained ten pounds less with C than with E . I thought that was better , but the doctor was not as enthusiastic . I lost most of the weight after C . When I trained to be a literacy coordinator , I worked long hours and ate at odd times . . . lots of fast food . I stress ate and ate when I was bored , happy , sad . . . I ate my feelings and found a new all time high on the scale . I was actually thinner when I was pregnant with A because of gestational diabetes than before I was pregnant . The scale became something that I would step on time after time after time , worrying that what I saw would disappoint me . It did . . . I would lose , gain , lose , gain . . . So now I am training for a triathalon . I am not doing it alone . I am the swimmer . My sister is biking and my brother is running . I have not weighed myself in awhile . I refuse to . I go to the gym at least three days a week . I work out for 20 minutes , lift weights and swim for about 45 minutes . I feel good . I 'm stronger and I have more energy . I do like to see progress though , so instead of weighing myself , I am measuring myself and the inches are coming off . : ) It 's exciting ! I can see the bones in my feet , the muscle that runs along the front of my calf , and I can feel my jaw . I am starting to feel the difference in my clothes . I even went down a dress size ! ! ! : ) This is it for me . I am not working out to lost weight . I am doing it becauseDeb Lairson I have a strength and a curse . I am very visual . By that I mean that I don 't know what I want until I see it . If I hang something in my house or lay a rug down or place jars on the counter and it doesn 't look right , I will mess with it until it does . It could drive other people crazy ! I have learned to just accept it , but it can be a pain sometimes . Let 's talk about my winter wreath . . . I wanted more than just burlap and white so I added a little blue . I put together and took apart the wreath at least 5 times . I finally gave up and hung it on my front door . I thought about that wreath every time I drove up to my house or left my house . I couldn 't stand it . It didn 't look right . I was very proud of myself because I didn 't take it down , but I was thrilled to death when Ash Wednesday came around and I could put my Easter wreath out . Right now I am trying to figure out how to create a wall of pictures . Here I go again . . . I have tried the frames many different ways and each time I do , something is just not right , but I don 't know how to fix it . So here I go again . . . : ) Posted by My son Connor has never been " normal " . He has been fabulous , wonderful , loving , kind , caring , smart , funny , and a wonderful human being all around . He was born with bipolar disorder . Now , he was not diagnosed at birth , but from the get go , he was symptomatically bipolar . I didn 't know this when he was litttle , but when I was reading about it later on , his infancy was pretty typical for one with a mood disorder . Connor NEVER stopped crying unless I was holding him close to my body . He cried every time I put him down . He cried when his dad was holding him . He cried when he had a bath . This teeny tiny little person was anxious from the time he came out of the womb . He only felt comfort when in my arms , swaddled in a blanket and close to my neck . I loved it when he was little . He just seemed like a little cuddle bug . I quickly adapted by carrying him around in a snuggly . He was close to my body and I had my hands free . This was very important since I also had a one and a half year old little girl , my sweet Emma . Just breathe . . . As Connor got older , he seemed ok . He didn 't want to be away from me , but I just thought he was shy . He cried really hard when I left ( for four hours sometimes ) , but everyone went through separation anxiety , right ? My friend Michelle took her daughter to the same daycare I took Connor to , ( Emma went to a sitter who used to have Connor , but she couldn 't handle him ) . She came to me one day and said , " Have you every looked into Connor 's mental health ? I think he has bipolar . " WHAT ? ! ? Noooooo . . . . . I had never even thought about that . I was a teacher and I knew all about behavior modification , right ? I thought I could just teach him to make better choices . Just breathe . . . Connor continued to concern me , but it wasn 't until he was 6 that I was really willing to consider that something was definitely not right . Every night , Connor would go into a rage when I told him that it was time for bed . He did not handle doing anything that he didn 't really want to do well at all . I would hold him tightly while he raged on , until he would go limp in my arms , crying , " I 'm so sorry mommy . I don 't mean to . " Just breathe . . . My husband and I decided to take Connor to the doctor . He was diagnosed with bipolar type two with psychosis ( did I mention he was hearing voices ? ) . Initially , I thought that it would all be ok . That Connor could do anything that he set his mind to . Then we started trying meds . Oy ! That was NOT fun ! Connor tried so many meds in the first month after his diagnosis and there were so many different side effects . I remember when he tried one of the meds , my mother - in - law was over and Connor started laughing hysterically , rolling on the floor , scratching himself . I was trying not to appear too concerned as to not scare my mother - in - law . I called the doctor who said that I needed to stop the med . I looked over at my mother - in - law and she was sitting on the couch , looking at Connor , tears rolling down her cheeks . I had already been in the throws of this illness for long enough that I had forgotten what it looked like to others . Just breathe . . . We ended up putting Connor in the hospital . I felt like I couldn 't manage the many different side effects on my own . I had my third child by this time and she ( Abbie ) was only a year old . Getting your child into an inpatient facility is a horrific experience . I took Connor to the ER ( only way to get in ) , sat in a padded room ( where they put all mental health patients ) for over eight hours before anyone came to talk to us . Hungry and discouraged , I admitted Connor into the facility with great trepidation . I was leaving him there with other kids up to 18 years old . He was only 8 . . . Just breathe . . . Even though the hospital was hard , it was the answer to our prayers that we needed . Connor was put on a cocktail of different meds that took the voices away and made his rages disappear . The bad thing was that he now had a flat affect . I was assured that this would get better over time . I felt like I had lost my child and that I was choosing to keep him that way every time I gave him a dose of his medicine . It was devastating . I did a lot of praying and a lot of crying . I was very brave all day and then , when the children were all asleep , I would go to the basement , listen to Michael W . Smith 's song He 's My Son and I would cry . I didn 't have the words to pray sometimes to Michael did it for me . Just breathe . . . For 5 years , things were good . Connor went to the therapist every week and the psychologist every month . He was listening well and learning at school again . Whew ! I knew that this would not last forever , but I sure was grateful that it was lasting as long as it did . When Connor went into the 6th grade , he developed very significant anxiety . He had always been anxious , but managed to do everything he needed to do . Connor began to struggle going to school . He was worried that someone would throw up near him and that he would get sick . Flu season was definitely the worse . Connor refused to go to school and began to refuse to go to the psychiatrist . He was anxious about everything . For years we tried to figure out why he was anxious , but we couldn 't . That is why it is called generalized anxiety . Duh ! Just breathe . . . We spent the next 4 years , trying to get Connor to go to school . We dragged him there , dropped him off kicking and screaming , called the sherriff . Connor only escalated . He began to threaten to kill himself . He also began to rage again . Back to the hospital . . . Just breathe . . . Connor was in and out of the hospital through the beginning of 11th grade . He escalated to threatening me . I had to press charges . It was the hardest day of my life . It was the best thing that I have ever done . Connor was on probation for his behavior . He went back to the hospital to get his lithium level back up since he had stopped taking his meds . He finally decided that he wanted to do well . He wanted to stop fighting and start living . I 'm not going to say that this has been a walk in the park , but he is doing well right now . He is still going to the psychiatrist monthly but we are taking a break from counseling . Connor had therapy two days a week for two years and had become dependent upon the prompting of therapists . I told him that he needed to take on his learning himself . I told him that we would go back to counseling if he needed that level of support again . He knows that it is there if he needs it . Just breathe . . . Mental illness is a life sentence . There is no cure . I can tell you that through this experience , you really find out who your real friends are . You know who they are because they are the ones who look out for you and your other children . They come and take your 9 and 1 year old daughters out for a little fun while you deal with the side effects , doctor appointments and overall terror you are feeling , fearing for your child 's life . There were some days when I didn 't know if Connor would run away , jump out of a moving car , take pills , cut himself , or try to strangle or suffocate himself . It was scary stuff . Your real friends hold you while you cry , meet you at the hospital or show up at your door with dinner because they know you don 't have the energy to cook . We have been through some scary stuff with our little guy , but I have to say that the one thing I always remember is that God has a plan for my son and that plan does not involve being overcome by this mental illness . Connor 's illness has helped a lot of people to learn and grow . It has made me an advocate for the mentally ill . I hope anDeb Lairson When I was growing up , we had a laundry chute in the house that went from the second floor hallway into the laundry room downstairs . We always loved to throw our clothes down the chute , which was a brilliant way for my mom to get us to clean up after ourselves . : ) Eventually my brother , sister and I got the idea that the chute could be used for fun ! We started with our stuffed animals . One of us would go downstairs and open the cabinet door that the chute was built into and the other one would stand upstairs and yell , " Ready ? " That quickly turned into putting our Adventure People ( remember those ? ) on a string and helping them to " scale " the mountain that was the chute . That turned into , " Hey ! What if we went down the chute ? " I think that it may have been my idea originally , but it was quickly accepted by my brother and sister . Since Greg was the smallest at the time , we decided that we would start with him . It looked like it was going to be a piece of cake until . . . he was holding on to the outside of the chute , legs dangling toward the first floor . We thought it might not be such a good idea . . . We decided to pull him out , but he wouldn 't come out as easily as he had gone in . I decided that I was going to go downstairs to catch him . I opened the cabinet door , threw all of the dirty clothes on the floor and put myself into the shoot to reach up to my brother . I didn 't think it was going to work because I could hear my sister saying , " Just let go " to my brother 's " NOOOOOO " . : ) I reached up and grabbed his little foot and gave a tug . I told him I was right there and I wouldn 't let him fall . I hear the telltale sound of him sliding his little body through the chute . I didn 't anticipate a curve in the chute , but no worries ! I grabbed his little foot and PULLED ! He slid down the chute and out into the cabinet . It 's funny . . . That was quite an adventure for the three of us as we laughed and prayed that we would get Greg out before our parents came home , but we never spoke of it again . Posted by My daughter Emma and I traveled to South Carolina on Wednesday for her best friend 's graduation from basic training . It was a whirlwind trip , lasting only two days . We were in South Carolina long enough to get my first taste of spring ! It is amazing how just that little time changed my energy level and my interest in the outdoors . When I got home from work today , I crashed on the couch from the exhaustion from the trip , but after a few hours of vegging out , I was ready for more spring ! Luckily , the weather here in Ohio was cooperating a bit with 61 degree temperatures ( briefly ) . : ) I started by setting the table and chairs up on the deck . Then , getting into it , I cut a vine back off of the deck . I cleaned out the fire pit , started a fire , and burned the trimmings . That was enough for one night , but I am ready for more ! Bring it on spring ! : ) Posted by My family had been out to dinner at Max and Erma 's . We had a great time and we all joked around on the way to the car . I couldn 't have been that old . . . maybe 8 . My little brother was 4 . He was the cutest little kid ! He had REALLY big blonde hair ( my mom could not bring herself to cut his curls ) , big blue eyes and this mole on his perfect white cheek , nose sprinkled with freckles . He almost always wore soccer socks pulled up to his knees . My mom always paid close attention to my brother and his whereabouts because he usually wasn 't where he was supposed to be . I don 't know what happened , but I think she must have been distracted because after we all ( or so we thought ) got in the car and my dad started pulling away , I felt an emptiness in the seat next to me . I looked over to see my brother , white knuckled , holding onto the seat of the car and the car door , legs moving so fast they looked like Flinstone feet ! ! ! His eyes were huge and I could see the fear on his face . I wanted to tell my dad to stop , that Greg was not in the car and that he was running as fast as he could , holding on for dear life ! All I could do was . . . LAUGH ! ! ! ! I tapped my sister , who finally yelled , " DADDY ! ! ! ! ! GREG IS NOT IN THE CAR ! ! ! ! STOP ! ! ! ! ! ! " Thank goodness for my sister and her cool head ! My dad stopped the car . My mom jumped out of the car , swooped Greg into her arms and our baby boy was safe . : ) I want to point out that my entire post is underlined and I am not sure why . There is absolutely no reason other than the fact that I couldn 't make it stop . : ) When I first started teaching shared reading , I was very procedural . I watched another teacher do it in a video and though , " Wow ! That is really cool ! " and I started doing it in my classroom the very next day . I had no idea of the power or the real purpose until much much later . I realized how powerful it was after I learned about the literacy framework that my district uses . Within the framework there are different levels of support . Read aloud is the most supportive , then shared reading and finally guided reading and independent reading . I am a very visual person , so the image of the framework really helped me to think about my teaching and the scaffolding of my students I needed to do . I started to think about what my students need as readers . I asked myself , " What do they have under control ? What can they almost do ? What do they need to learn next ? " I think of the framework as my toolbox , holding all of my valuable teaching tools . I teach by using the teaching and learning model : teach / model / demonstrate , prompt , praise , expect . So , when I combine this with my toolbox , the teaching is very purposeful and powerful . I don 't just do things because they are cute anymore ( well , maybe occasionally ) . I use the tools that I have to move students forward . Vygotsky and his Zone of Proximal Development has been a huge part of the way that I teach too . He believes that we should teach in the zone . That is when the child is able to do it with support . Then you gradually release support as the child becomes ready , creating a new zone . It 's not just a theory to me . It is my teaching life . So . . . on to shared reading . When I think about what my students can do and what I want them to do next , I pick a shared reading piece very carefully . If I can 't find one , then I create one , using the book room books , poems or nonfiction pieces as my mentor text . This isn 't for sissiesDeb Lairson I was a literacy coordinator for 13 years . This meant that I taught , while planning professional development for the teachers in my building . I also presented the professional development . I really enjoyed it for the most part . I was so excited to share my passion for teaching literacy with everyone around me . : ) Teachers often tell me that they don 't know how I know so much ( and I most certainly don 't know it all ) . I usually feel uncomfortable because I don 't want to stand apart from the group . I actually want more than anything to melt into the group some days . I want to be a part of things . I have been thinking about how I do have so much information about reading and writing in my head all the time , just waiting to be tapped into . It has been a process for sure . As I am writing this , I am cringing because I worry that people will perceive that I am tooting my own horn here . I am not . Just reflecting on how I would answer people who ask the question if they had all the time I would need to answer it well . : ) It takes a lot for me to learn anything . Nothing really comes easily and it really never has . I started my journey in rural Ohio . I loved teaching there . I met a lot of great people and I had a lot of opportunities . My first year I taught kindergarten and title reading . I felt really good about what I was doing , but I will tell you right now that I didn 't know anything about how to teach . I knew how to present information , but not the explicit teaching I would later learn how to do . In July before my second year , I got a call that said that there had been a reduction in force and that if I wanted to continue to work I had to go to Reading Recovery training . I had just had my first child and I just wasn 't sure , but after my husband told me that I either go or we 'll be living on the street , I decided to give it a try . I am so glad that I did ! Reading Recovery Training was the first powerful thing I did as an educator . I had a lot of heavy reading to do ( Becoming Literate ) and I was so so tired , but I found tTry new things . Look at the data to see if what you are doing really works . The kids will tell you through their work . That is a guarentee ! If not , shift may need to happen . Oh how I loved to play ghost in the graveyard ! The neighborhood kids and I would make our plans to play while we were baking in the sun at the neighborhood pool . We would all go home for dinner and baths and then we would meet on my front porch . If you have never played , one person is the ghost and runs off to hide while the rest of the group waits on the porch and counts . When the counting is done , everyone goes ghost hunting . Whoever finds the ghost first gets to be it next . We played night after night in the summer , interrupted only by a game of sardines or kick the can . I love remembering this because I can actually conjure the feeling of the warm summer nights , crickets buzzing . . . fireflies flashing . One night , when we were all hunting for the ghost , we were having a particularly hard time finding him . We looked in the trees , under bushes , EVERYWHERE ! Just when we thought that we were NEVER going to find him , a white image came around the corner of the house with an eerie sound . . . . " Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa ! Whooooooooooaaaaaaaaa ! " You have never seen kids scatter and run faster ! I ran around to the front of the house and up the stairs , terrified ! I hid under my bed , listening to the rapid beating of my heart and my own hurried breath . I waited and waited . . . Suddenly I heard my mom 's laughter coming down the hall . She was not just laughing , she was crying , she was laughing so hard ! It was my MOM coming around that corner with a sheet over her head . : ) After I recovered from the fear and then indignation that followed , my mom and I went hand in hand to the neighbors to assure the other children that our yard was in fact NOT haunted . Posted by Honestly , if you really think about everything that has to happen , every baby is a miracle baby . My youngest , loves to hear the story of my pregnancy with her . She asks me to tell it at least once a year . : ) I call her my miracle baby because she almost didn 't make it . I was about 7 weeks pregnant with Abbie when I found out that I was pregnant . Tim ( my husband ) had decided that 2 kids was perfect . We had a boy and a girl and he though that that was good enough . Well , it was , but I always wanted a big family . I just didn 't feel done and I was struggling to accept it . My mom and I were going to a friend 's wedding and I thought that if I was going to drink champagne I wanted to make sure that I wasn 't pregnant . I drove to the drug store and bought 3 ( overkill , I know . . . ) . I did one and then the other and then the other and they were all POSITIVE ! ! ! ! I was so excited that I ran outside to tell my neighbor Mark and locked myself out of my house ! The joy continued throughout my pregnancy , but the challenges were about to begin . One morning I woke up and felt like I had a bladder infection so I went to the urgent care . They said that I was fine , but that my sugar was REALLY high . I didn 't have diabetes so I thought that was strange . I told them that I was pregnant and they had me follow up with my doctor . I had gestational diabetes at only 8 weeks along . The doctor said that this was really early . I could handle that . I saw a dietician and went on a diabetic diet right away . Two days later , I woke up in the middle of the night with a pain under my right rib . I thought it was gas , so I took a warm shower , drank some water , took a malox . I was able to fall asleep after a few hours . When I woke up , I felt a little better , but still had a gassy feeling . This is not uncommon in pregnancy , so I went to work . I distinctly remember working away in my office when a very sharp pain hit . I began to worry that it was the baby . I tried to walk it off and it only got worse . I was doubled over in pain and I called the doctor right awPosted by How Do I Write ? I recently saw a post asking others how they write , where they get their ideas and inspiration . I have been thinking a lot about that and I have to say that I stand on the shoulders of other authors . I have been very blessed to have been a literacy coordinator with the Literacy Collaborative from The Ohio State University . I had excellent training , but still did not really know how to be a writer . To tell you the truth , it took me several times to really buy in to the whole teacher writer belief . I am a firm believer now ! : ) I didn 't become a firm believer until I tried it . I actually wrote and when I did , it 's like my lesson plan pen had a mind of it 's own . I no longer had to labor over what to teach next . I got it ! Writing is a process and when you know the process , you can see so much more clearly what your little writers need , whether they are in kindergarten , or college . So , how do I write ? During my time as a lit coordinator , I had the GREAT pleasure of meeting and learning from and watching Georgia Heard , Katie Wood Ray , Ralph Fletcher , Lester Laminack , Carl Anderson and Tom Romano . Each time I had an opportunity , a little seed was planted . Write . . . Write . . . Write . . . Each time I learned another trick about how to plan your writing . I learned that everything my teachers taught me wasn 't true , with the exception of the conventions and there is freedom even there when you write . Ralph Fletcher taught me to write what matters . That got me about three and a half stories ( of course about my children and my family ) . : ) Then he showed a child how to draw a sketch of the people in his life , the places he had been and the things that he does . I have done this , and I can get hundreds of stories just from the map I made of my neighborhood . Katie Wood Ray emphasized the writer 's notebook . I started one . . . then put it in a drawer . . . then pulled it out . . . I go back to that notebook now and harvest ideas from long ago . Lester Laminack is gifted at sharing stories from his own life . I love listening to him read his books . I love his craft . I use his craft in my own writing . Georgia Heard has to be my all time favorite . For a long time , I wrote poetry . I loved her ideas about looking out the window and really looking . Thinking about things in a different way . I have also read a TON of professional books . I am actually a bit of a book hoarder to tell you the truth . I love to read books by the authors I mentioned above . I will read anything from the Teachers College at Columbia . I loooooove Lucy Calkins and Shelley Harwayne ! I have heard both speak and they are so different and yet so very passionate . My favorite go to methods are without a doubt , sketching people I know . You can list them if you want to , but the picture does so much more for me . I write in my head for a long time before I actually get anything down on paper . My go to place for great thinking is in the shower . I don 't know what it is . . . the white noise or the quiet . . . or maybe the lack of interruptions on a good day or early in the morning . I don 't think I will ever stop using the methods that I have been taught . I almost freeze with the question , " What are you going to write about ? " . I have to slow down , relax , breathe . . . Then I sketch out my thinking and off I go ! I don 't like to revise . I don 't really like having others revise my work either , although I do it because I know that I want children I teach to be open to the input of their audience . It 's waaaaay harder than I thought though ! When I was in he writing project , I had to meet with one of the teachers to go over my piece and to receive feedback . The whole time she was talking I felt a little oppositional . I didn 't want to change anything . I had worked so hard . . . . I did try some different things that she suggested and I left others alone . It was much better after working with her and I am forever grateful for her gentle touch . : ) The point is . . . just write . It doesn 't matter if it 's good enough , long enougDeb Lairson I just had the very fun , wonderful and blessed experience of being a foster mom to two puppies . I only meant to foster one , but when I saw the two little sisters who had been rescued from a kill shelter , I just couldn 't separate them . I brought them both home . I didn 't know what to expect as a foster mom , but I will tell you that it has been an unexpected blessing ! I thought that I was doing something for them when really we were helping each other . They brought me joy , laughter and fun ! : ) Here they are : Megan and Daisy have a forever home now ! They leave tomorrow . I can 't believe how quickly they were adopted ! I have to say that I give so much credit to social networking when it comes to finding a home for these foster puppies . I shared their pictures and my friends shared and their friends shared . . . They go " home " tomorrow . I couldn 't be happier for them ! They are being adopted by a young couple . They really seem like great " kids " ! : ) I am leaving this post feeling so much love for the puppies , for the animal rescue who saved their lives , and for their new family ! : ) Posted by My sister and I shared most of our toys when we were little . There were some toys that did not officially belong to either my sister or me , but we did claim some of them . My sister decided to take a doll I firmly believed belonged to me to school . She wrote the letters SS on the doll . When I saw this , I was really infuriated . I screamed , I cried and then I scrubbed the doll until you could barely see the SS . Then . . . I took the biggest , fattest , darkest marker I could find and I wrote DD . My sister saw those two bold letters and she laughed and laughed ( still laughing to this day ) . I didn 't understand initials yet , so I thought my sister had written SS for Sandie Sandie . Well , that 's how I got the nickname Dumb Debbie . : ) I grew up hearing stories about my mom and her cousins . I LOVED story time ! : ) One of my favorite stories involves my mom , her sister Millie , their cousins Marion Marie and Baby Al . My mom and her sister and her cousins were often up to " no good ' . They didn 't have video games or tv to entertain them so they entertained themselves . One day , they decided to sneak my grandma 's cigarettes out of her purse and have a try themselves . They walked up and over a hill so that they wouldn 't be seen ( or smelled ) by their mothers . When they had smoked all of the cigarettes , they sent Baby Al to get some more . Al promptly walked up over the hill and into the house to tell his mother ( my great aunt ) and my grandma ( Aunt Titter ) that the girls were out of cigarettes and that they would like some more . The grown ups ran to where the girls were and dragged them home , made them sit at the table and smoke cigarette after cigarette until they felt ill . The funniest part is that my mom and Marion Marie both declined when asked if they would like another , but my Auntie Millie said , " Not just now , but maybe a little later . " Posted by I don 't know if we just didn 't listen to our mom or what , but she would often resort to telling us stories to get us to behave . There are many , but I am just going to share a few right now . . . to whet your appetite . : ) The Casey Brown Story : My brother , sister and I often played outside as children . On any given day , you could see us on a big wheel , roller skates , skateboards , plastic stilts , bicycles , you name it ! : ) My mom did not care what we played on , but she REALLY cared that we were wearing shoes while we were doing it . She insisted . Welllll . . . sometimes I didn 't listen very well and would run out of the house in my bare feet . In fact , I usually had bare feet as a child . I hated shoes . My mom would find me wherever I was a bring me home to put shoes on . Flip flops did not count . Boo ! One day , my mom sat me down and told me the Casey Brown story . She told me that a little boy who lived in the neighborhood ( really ) had been on his big wheel without shoes on . She said that he was riding down the big hill by the pool when he lost control . He tried to pull the break and it didn 't work so he put his bare feet down to slow down . Casey lost all of the skin on his feet and had to have bandages for a very long time . He couldn 't play outside and he couldn 't ride his big wheel . I don 't know if this story was true or not , but I can tell you that I most certainly did not ride my bike , big wheel or anything else barefoot ! The Sandman : I am going to admit right up front that I was not a sleeper . I never slept as a baby , a toddler or a young child . I believe that my mom told this out of sheer desperation to get me to sleep so don 't judge too harshly . : ) My mom tucked me into bed every night . It was a very special time because it was usually the only time that I had time alone with her . I can 't remember if she read to me or not , but we would often talk about our day and she would answer the ten million questions that I had generated that particular day . : ) I remember one night when she was tucking me in , she said , " Now you go to sleep or the sandman will get you . " I promptly told her that that was NOT true . She told me that if I put my head on my pillow I could hear his footsteps coming down the hall . Of course I put my head on my pillow , and sure enough , there was the rhythmic sound of the Sandman 's footsteps . I was terrified ! I pulled my blankets up around me ears , pulled my legs up ( lest he pull me out of my bed by my feet ) and shut my eyes as tightly as I could . Even if I couldn 't fall asleep , I was definitely going to look like I was asleep ! Many years later , I realized that the sound of the sandman was actually my own pulse in my ears . LOL Uncle Al : I had a MAJOR problem with playing with car locks when I was little , especially when I was in my grandma 's car with the automatic locks . I loved those things ! Click click . Click click . Over and over . . . Well this bad habit drove my grandma crazy ! I remember one time when we were traveling somewhere around Texas all by ourselves , she was in the front seat and I was in the back seat and she had specifically told me NOT to play with the locks . Hmmm . . . . That just made me think about the locks in an almost obsessive way . It was like having an itch that you can 't scratch not being able to touch them . I just put my hand over the lock at first . " Don 't you touch that , " grandma said sternly . Click click . Click click . Now my grandma 's arm was sweeping the backseat , trying to catch me in the act . So terrifying and exciting at the same time ! Click click . Click click . Her arms swung closer and closer . Click click . Click click . Grandma slammed on the brakes and pulled me out of the car to swat my bottom on the side of the road . You would think that I would learn , but no . . . So this brought on the Uncle Al Story . . . . One day , while my grandfather was driving the cousins home from their grandparents , Uncle Al was playing with the door . Well , he had unlatched the door but didn 't realize it . When grandpa turned a corner , Al 's door flew open and Al began to fall out . Grandpa grabbed his foot and help on or else Al would have fallen out of the car . When grandpa finally was able to stop the car completely , he pulled Al in and his head was full of rocks ( literally ) . I can 't say that I never played with locks again , but I can tell you that that story made me cut waaaaaay back . Well , I am proud to say that I have not told my children terrifying stories to keep them in line , but don 't think for a minute that I haven 't been tempted ! ! ! ! I don 't know about you , but I have been feeling every one of my 42 years lately . : ) I am tired and sore for the most ridiculous reasons . Yesterday a 5th grade boy ( we will call him my favorite ) told me that I am really good with children . That alone was a wonderful compliment and it was very touching . : ) I told him that I have three children of my own so I have had a lot of practice . He gave me an odd look and then went to class . Today , when I went into the cafeteria today , " my favorite " asked me how I have three children . I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought I was 25 and that that was too young for three children . It 's one thing when a kindergartener thinks you are 19 , but another thing when a 5th grader thinks you are 25 . And that , my blogging friends , is why today was a FABULOUS day ! : ) Posted by My mom was an adventurer when I was little . She used to wake us up at 4 in the morning and head out on an adventure ! We drove everywhere . . . California , the Black Hills , Mt . Rushmore , Maryland , Florida , Texas , New York , Niagra Falls . . . It was always so much fun because my mom would see a sign or a billboard and stop at various places just because they looked fun . My mom got this trait honestly because my grandma and my aunt were the same way . They loved to travel at the drop of a hat . On one trip to Texas , my mom , grandma and aunt were sitting around the kitchen table as they often did and they decided that they wanted to take us to New Orleans . I was so excited ! I had never been there before and I couldn 't wait . When I was excited , I was often hard to manage , asking a million questions from the back seat . Because of this , my mom and grandma had me sit on the hump in the middle of the front seat . The windows were open and I got to listen to the ongoing conversation between my mom and her mom . I was actually quite entertained . I sat still with my baby doll in my arms , looking out the window and daydreamed about my imaginary friend , friend giant ( that 's another story ) . My mom and grandma were smoking as they talked , waving their hands around as they always did . My grandma was trying to make a point with her hand gestures and . . . OH NO ! ! ! ! I first noticed the situation when I smelled the strong , terrible smell of burning plastic ! My baby doll 's hair had gotten too close to grandma 's cigarette and it was ON FIRE ! ! ! " Help ! " I screamed . " Help my baby ! ! ! " As soon as my grandma saw my baby doll , she grabbed her and tossed her right out the window ! I crawled into the back seat and watched my burning baby until she became a little dot in the distance , crying the whole way . I never understood how my grandma could throw my baby out the window , but now I smile wondering if I would do the exact same thing . : ) Posted by I absolutely loved to visit my grandparents when I was little . I didn 't get to see them very often since they were in Texas and I lived in Ohio . We made a trip every summer though . It was important to my mom that we knew our grandparents . In between visits , we would talk on the phone often . My brother , sister and I would run to the phone to be the first to answer . My grandpa always teased me , calling himself " bad grandpa " . I would argue with him over and over again , giggling as we played . His special name for me was Stick in the Mud . I didn 't know until years later that he called me that because I was a stubborn little thing . When we drove to Texas we would usually drive until we got there . It was an 18 hour drive . I always slept a lot because my mom told me that it would make the trip go faster ( or maybe because of the dramomine she gave me ) . The excitement would build as we drove down their street . You could almost cut the enthusiasm with a knife . As soon as we pulled into the drive , my brother , sister and I would burst from the van to be the first to knock on the door . Sometimes we tried to trick our grandparents by pretending to sell something , thinking that they surely wouldn 't recognize us after a whole year ! : ) They always played along , followed by exclamations over how much we had grown . We had many traditions in Texas , but my very favorite one was C - A - N - D - Y newspaper . My grandpa LOVED sugar more than anything and he would spell out the word candy , pretending that we were tricking my grandma . The funny thing is that when I was really little , I really thought we were pulling one over on grandma ! Grandpa would tell us to hurry to the car before grandma figured out what we were really doing ! Squeals of delight would follow us out to the car . My grandpa would drive up to the corner store , buy a paper ( our cover ) and let us pick out our favorite candy . It doesn 't sound like a lot , but getting our super secret candy with grandpa was such a treat for my siblings and me . I am glad that I didn 't know grandma knew Deb Lairson I participated in my first full Twitter chat this evening . It was really fun and I was thrilled to have been able to follow along throughout the entire chat . These things just aren 't that easy for me . : ) Not at first anyway . . . Participating in the chat made me remember my time with the Columbus Area Writing Project . If you don 't know what that is , it is a group of teachers who gather together for professional development . The whole idea for me was that I wanted to be a teacher who was a writer so that I could be present as a writer in the classroom . I was going to grow as a teacher and unexpectedly grew as a human being . Up until this experience , I had never been in a group of teachers with different backgrounds . That was very interesting . I was there as a kindergarten teacher and everyone else was ( I think ) 4th grade or higher . That 's the really cool thing about writing . You don 't have to be from the same background or experience for it to be relevant to you . If you really understand that writing is a process and you are ready to look at it at that level , it doesn 't matter who you look at it with . My time with the Columbus Area Writing Project began with a retreat at Kenyon College . Kenyon is in a beautiful setting near Mt . Vernon , Ohio . I was paired up with another woman who quickly became my friend . When our group would meet ( on the 4th floor ) , we met in a large room with a huge table in the middle of the room . We all sat around the table and would talk to those around us . Dave , Robin , Kevin and Melissa were leading our group and they quickly engaged us in writing opportunities that allowed us to get to know each other . This was an experience that was different from anything I had ever experienced . The writing we shared elicited different responses from the audience . Some laughed while others cried . This new group was like an onion and the writing was beginning to peel the layers back to expose something we didn 't even know we had . . . a community of writers or the writer within . For me , it was Gretchen 's story Posted by It had been raining for days and I was absolutely itching to go outside . I typically spent the day , all day , at the pool and the three looooong days of rain and thunderstorms made me feel trapped in my own house ! I was kneeling on the living room sofa , watching each drop of rain slide down the glass when I noticed the sun peaking through the clouds . " Mom ! Mom ! " I called . " The sun is shining ! Can I go to the pool ? " I think that my mom wanted me out of the house just as much as I wanted to go so she of course said yes and off I went . I skipped down the hill to our neighborhood pool , towel over my arm and a smile on my face . As I rounded the corner of the tree line I could hear laughter and splashing . The sounds lured me in , curious . . . As soon as I could see the bridge over the creek , I knew I had to join the fun ! There were several children teetering on the bridge railing over the flooding waters of the creek below . Their shouts of joy sent excitement shooting through my body . I loved the water and I loved adventure ! I heard my mother 's voice in my head warning me of every bad thing that could happen if I jumped . . . I considered turning around or moving along to the pool , but only for a moment . I watched the other children climb up , jump off and yell out in sheer joy ! I saw their heads bobbing through the rapids of this little creek , catching onto a large tree that had fallen during the storms . To get out they had to wrap their arms around the tree , throw a leg up and slide over the moss covered trunk . No problem ! As my turn approached , I became a little nervous . What if I didn 't catch onto the tree ? What if I hit my head on a rock ? What if I got hurt or died ? All of these things were running through my head . I didn 't care though . This looked like so much fun and how likely was it that I would get hurt the first time I tried it , right ? I put my little hands on the top of the rail , hoisting myself onto the ledge . I almost lost my balance one but caught myself . The cheers of the other kids was giving me confidence that I am not sure I would have had on my own . As I watched the swirling , rushing water below , I jumped far and high into the air . I heard in the distance , " DEBRA LEE ! ! ! ! ! ! " Then the water was covering my ears , my eyes , pulling my body downstream faster than I thought it could . I could see the fallen tree , my life raft , only briefly as I swirled around in the brown , murky creek water . Just as I reached the tree , I felt a swift jerk on my shirt and I was suddenly not in the water anymore . My name had been screamed by my mother as she saw her daring , brave , stupid child jump into dangerous , post storm waters with wild abandon . Now I was being pulled from the water with the adrenaline fueled fear of my mother . " What were you thinking ? " she screamed . I was about to answer when I realized that she wasn 't really asking a question . The seat burning spanks started at the creek and continued all the way home . My day in the sun was over . . . . Posted by The Tunnel I grew up in the best neighborhood in the world ! I loved it there ! I was never bored and always managed to find an adventure or two . One of my favorite things to do was to play in the creek . It wasn 't a very big creek , but it was visited by many . I remember venturing either upstream or down , looking for treasures , creatures or just all around fun ! I loved the little water spiders that kept me company on my many adventures . My mom didn 't really like that there was a tunnel at the end of the creek where teenagers hung out . She didn 't want me to go down there and knowing me and my quest for adventure , she has to make me feel like I COULDN " T go down there . : ) She told me that there were holes in the tunnel and that if you fell into one , it was very deep and probably went straight to hell . I guess that I should probably tell you that my mom was raised in a boarding school by nuns . The reference to hell sounds cruel , but it was a big part of my upbringing . I am sure that my mom meant to keep me safe , but this time , the danger of falling into a pit straight to hell wasn 't going to work . : ) My friend and I decided that we were going to see what this forbidden tunnel was all about . It was a very exciting adventure ! We waded in the water , stepping on stones and listening to the calm trickling of the stream as we moved toward our destination . As we entered the tunnel , we noticed that there were many spray painted words and pictures . We stood staring at the entrance in awe . I lived in a suburb , so grafiti wasn 't even a part of my vocabulary . The tunnel was very ominous looking , dark and forbidden . My friend and I eased in , walking slowly and checking under our feet for especially deep looking water . Not far in , we saw a dark black hole of water . . . The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I swear I thought I felt a breeze that hadn 't been there before . Our pace slowed a bit the further we got in . Our steps were more careful . When we were almost to the middle of the tunnel , we saw the scariest painting we had ever seen . It was the head of the devil , staring at us , daring us to go further . . . My friend and I were NOT playing around with that ! We turned and ran all the way home ! We did finally make it to the other side of the tunnel eventually , but it took many many trips down that dark corridor before we finally had the nerve . : ) I have three children whom I adore ! I have been teaching for 21 years and feel so often that my adventure has only just begun ! : ) I love that feeling and look forward to learning through reading and writing blogs . I am returning to the classroom this year after coordinating testing and coaching . This truly feels like a breath of fresh air and I look forward to it ! View my complete profile |
Mar21 There is a time in life that most people go through . It 's not about hitting bottom , it feels worse than that . Its more than a rough patch , it seems endless no matter what you do . Weeks and months go by and it doesn 't seem to get better . Every thing you touch turns to shit , people get tired of helping or holding your hand . More and more you don 't want to be a drain on your loved ones so you withdraw , a little more every day . If you do go out , go to work or run errands , you are just going through the motions . There is no rhyme or reason for the way it is , and you run out of ideas or energy for making it better . It doesn 't seem to change , or end . Sometimes I think my whole life has been one long dark night . Then I remember some pretty good times , years of happiness and prosperity . That is what the Dark Night does to you , it makes you forget the happiness you have known . In reality I have had periods of great happiness , wonderful contentment , and many periods in my life that I call the Dark Night . The company I was working for had been bought out some years before and in 2007 they started making some serious changes . At first I was assigned some traveling , which I thought was fantastic . Then I was given some special projects and opportunities to advance myself and help to reshape the department . Fantastic . Hmm , lots of unpaid overtime . The more I did for them , the more work they gave me . In my personal life I was attending a lot of spiritual retreats and classes . I really thought this was all a new and exciting chapter in my life . The stress started to get to me , though . I developed an anxiety disorder . Then I started having random pain in my body for no apparent reason . I hurt my back working out at the gym and it never got any better . I ended up on anti - anxiety and pain medications . In 2008 I hit menopause , adding an anti - depressant . In 2009 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia , had to take 6 weeks leave of absence , and more medicine . In September 2010 I was laid off . I was able to get a temp job in March but it only lasted a few weeks due to my need for days off to rest . I applied for early retirement through Social Security , beginning another long process that I am still muddling through . I was no longer able to leave the house for shopping or able to clean house and do my laundry . I only made it through those months because of 3 dear friends . One came to shop and clean and wash , one came to spend the night several times to keep me company and the other one took me out to breakfast once a week . In December 2012 I lost my house and had to let my dog go to foster care . I moved in with my parents and applied for medical care through the county . Lots of pain pills . The oblivion was so alluring . I was no longer involved in church , or anything really . The new doctor began rationing my pain pills and eventually took me off them . I still have pain but at least I am awake . And all along I have been fighting the Darkness . Begging the universe to bring an end to it , looking for ways to find the Light again . Its exhausting . Fighting anything is exhausting . In spite of my efforts to make things better , it only got worse ! I was fighting with every one in my life . Finally this past summer I decided that enough was enough and that I was ready to check out . I wrote a note . I texted it to 2 friends and saved it in my phone . Then I got in the car and went to visit a friend in Arkansas . It 's only 6 hours away and 1 tank of gas . It was the beginning of October and I planned to live only until the 13th . Russ 's birthday would be my day to leave this plane . Well , my friend became seriously ill right after I arrived . We made a pact : that as long as she would fight for her life , I would not try to end mine . I hate to say that her illness saved my life , but I felt needed and useful . After returning home , I started thinking about this Dark Night and why it wasn 't ending . I was reading a lot of memes on Facebook about resistance and attraction and other metaphysical stuff . I had tried the constant gratefulness route before but nothing really got better so I had given up on that . I began to think along the lines of letting the Universe have its way . One morning it just hit me in the forehead . Why am I fighting this Darkness anyway ? Is there something inherently wrong with being in the dark ? Isn 't darkness part of universal balance ? Could there be a real reason for being there ? I made a decision right then . I accept the Darkness for what it is . I accept that this is where I am right now . I will embrace it . I will enjoy it . I will open up to whatever I can learn from it . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on March 21 , 2016 , in Life after 50 , Spirituality , Uncategorized and tagged Dark Night , Dark Night of the Soul , depression , Resistance . Leave a comment Aug25 The older I get , the more I realize how much healing is needed in our world . I have also learned there are many ways to heal . There is also a difference between healing and being cured . Being cured means that whatever was ailing you has been removed permanently . Being healed can mean the same thing , but it also can mean that you are given the strength and understanding to handle what you find you must endure . For this moment , I am going to write about a healing that also cures . Hugs . Yes , hugs ! Have you ever been hugged so well that you could feel the sadness leave your body ? These are the best kind of hugs ! Someone said that the only jewels you need around your neck are the arms of a child . I find this to be true . No , they don 't come in colors that match your new outfit , and you can 't pawn them for money . But they are priceless beyond compare ! I suffer from major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder . It 's been so long now , that I seem to carry a certain amount of sadness with me every day . Most of the time I don 't notice it , but it 's just under the surface waiting for a trigger . When I first read that comment about the arms of a child , it reminded me of how I feel when I get a hug from my grand - daughter and my son . My son is over 6 feet tall , and I am 5 foot 7 . When he hugs me , his arms go all the way around me and he pulls me up against him . I rest my head on his chest and I can hear his heart beating . I can feel the heat of his body . He will squeeze me , just right , and I can feel myself relax . I usually don 't even realize that I was holding my body tense until that moment . When he is hugging me like that , I feel safe and I realize that all is as it should be . My mind clears and I smile again . When my grand - daughter hugs me , she will tell me that she is going to hug me . This means I am supposed to keep my arms down and let her hug me . It is a gift she is giving to me and I am supposed to just accept it . I find that more than precious ! She is just 3 , and learning how to show love when she feels it . She will wrap her arms around my neck or around my arms , as far as she can . She will stay like that for a minute or two . I can smell her hair , the clean smell of her skin that little children have . More than that , I feel her unconditional love for me , her grandma . It 's all I can do to stay still and let her do this without throwing my arms around her ! But I must , because she wants to give me this gift . So I just close my eyes and soak it up . I can feel a peacefulness come over me like I feel when I am alone with God . Perhaps in that moment of receiving the hug of a child , I am alone with God ! When I want to give her a hug , sometimes she puts her arms around my neck and sometimes she just stands there . She doesn 't resist , so I pull her as close to me as I can . I hold her as tight as I can without hurting her , and feel her heart beating . It is a feeling of life , of energy . The feeling of a connection that I have with no other person on this earth . My sadness and loneliness fade away . There have been other people in my life that had this effect on me . One of the first was my own grandmother . When she would hug me , I could feel her love in the way she pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me . I knew I was her favorite , and I needed to know that . She was there for me with a hug at times when no one else was there for me . I miss her every day . It is her example that I want to emulate with my grand - daughter . Another one who could heal me was my son 's father . He was my first love , and we were pretty young . He was a very tall and muscular man , and his hugs were strong . I felt safe and secure . Again , I could feel his heartbeat , and it was strong and steady . When he was out to sea , I had a cardigan sweater that belonged to him , and I would wear it because it smelled like him and I would feel his hug . But thinking of this makes me sad , because the hugs became fewer and finally stopped . He went away and I was heartbroken for years . Not too long after he left us , I met a man who was older than me by fifteen years . I will write about my relationship with him in another article . He was experienced with hugging . He knew I was a scared young mother , and he knew how lonely I was . He knew just when to hug me . When his arms were around me , I felt accepted as a woman again . It helped me heal from losing my husband to another woman . We were together for many years , off and on , as friends and lovers . He has moved on finally , and I miss his hugs very much . It 's ok , because all is as it should be . Hugs from my girlfriends are different . I don 't rest my head on their chests to hear their heartbeats . But we hold each other tightly , patting each other on the back gently , and look into each others eyes knowingly . When my friends hug me , I know I am part of a larger family . I feel uplifted , I feel believed in . I have one sister , she is two years younger . We have only started hugging again in the past couple of years . We did hug each other a lot when we were very small . As we grew older there were family dynamics at play that caused me to pull away from her . It wasn 't until she went through her second divorce that she realized how much she needed me , and I was able to find a way that I could be her big sister again . We don 't see each other often , but when we do , we hug . We hug hello , we hug goodbye . It is a reassuring type of hug , letting each other know that we are there for the other . I look forward to her hugs . When my son was eighteen , he was arrested . It was Christmas time , and I was frantic and panicked . The first thing I did was drive over to my parents ' house , in tears . I came to them because they had been through the same thing with my brother many times . They both hugged me long and tightly . I could feel the fear leave my body , because their hugs told me that they understood what I was feeling , and that it was all going to be ok . It did turn out ok in the end . Again , everything is as it should be . Even so , the hugs got me through it . I hope that as you read this article , you are thinking about the people in your life that hug you . The people who you hug . What do they feel when you hug them ? I hope they feel loved . I hope that when they hug you , that you feel all the sadness leave your body and in its place you are filled with love . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on August 25 , 2014 , in Random Thoughts and tagged Cure , depression , healing , Hugs , loneliness , Love , sadness . Leave a comment I could say it 's a matter of perspective . It probably is but that is not how it seems . I struggle with Major Depression and even though I am on some good medication , I still have to struggle . I don 't like that word " struggle " . I like better the idea that if you do not resist then you open yourself up to all possibilities . But in the case of depression , it IS a struggle . The other option is escape . There are quite a few ways to find escape , some harmful and some not . If I am not too far into the darkness I can read or watch TV . Talking on the phone helps , but it seems like when I need that the most , every one has gone to bed or not at home . Being overwhelmed by depression is not something that can wait til later to be dealt with . She gives me complete unconditional love , and I do the same for her . I love her in a way I have never experienced before . Hearing her voice can lift me up to the clouds , or calm me down and make me feel at peace . When we are together , we don 't want to be apart . She will follow me everywhere and she will hardly leave the room unless I come with her . When she spends the night , she will snuggle up to me so close I can feel her heartbeat and her warmth becomes a part of me . Even in the summer it is not too hot . Then when morning comes , we wake up at about the same time . It 's uncanny ! I haven 't seen her in about a month . Since I don 't have my own place right now , I don 't get to see her anytime I want to . It is so very frustrating that I just want to scream and scream and scream ! It 's not like I don 't know that I WILL see her again , it 's just that when I am in this frame of mind what counts is right now , not next week or next month . Before she came into my life , when depression would hit me this way and there was no one to talk to I would just cry all night , all day . Sometimes I would take some pain medication just to stop feeling and go to sleep . ( This is part of the reason I don 't live on my own right now . ) Samantha and I both know we are here to help each other . I told her this when she was a baby and just after she turned three she told me the same thing , the exact same words . So I believe this is true , that we are blessings from God for each other . I don 't mean to imply that my relationship with her is more important than her relationship with her parents . It 's not . It 's just different . It 's not because of how she makes me feel that I love her so much . I love her because she is Samantha , a beautiful creature inside and out , and she is a part of me , the best part . No one , not one , loves her the way I do . What is wrong with wanting her cuddles when I am feeling down ? I don 't want her to talk me into being happy , or make her responsible for my feeling better , that isn 't her job . Her job is to be a little girl and to learn and grow up . She needs the cuddles and attention that only her grandma can give her , as much as I need to have her near me . It 's a two - way street actually . I don 't think that anyone I have tried to explain this to understands . The depression is compounded by the fact that I have little control over my life right now . I can 't get the medications I know would work best for me , because I have no insurance and the county has strict guidelines on what medications they will issue and what dosages . Some of these medications are not working very well . Some of the treatments for my chronic pain aren 't working at all . I can 't work outside the home , yet I am having to fight fight fight an ongoing battle with Social Security and I continue to get turned down . At present the appeal has gone to the federal board and all I can do is wait . No control . The lawyer told me I could earn a little bit of money working from home , but not too much . So I am trying to sell products online and to friends from a direct sales company , but after a good first start the sales have dropped off . I am worried that it won 't pick up . I know its back to school time and that makes a difference . Fear is part of depression , and what I know intellectually does not make the fear go away . Due to this slow sales time , I have no money . That means I can 't put more gas in my car or get it inspected . This leads to arguments with my son over whether or not he feels like bringing Samantha to me . After all , he works all week and has to drive through traffic all week long . After all , I say back to him , I don 't have any money for gas ! No control . It 's all out of control right now and that feels wrong and scary . It does not feel normal . You see , I have been in control of my life for a long time . I raised my son on my own , have had a good employment record , paid off debt . I have become an ordained minister and I have helped other people . I have been there when my friends or my sister needed me . I have been there for my parents and always , always for my son . It 's not like they aren 't there for me . I am living in my parents house right now . My son contributes to the cost of doctors and medicine . My dear friends are willing to do whatever they can … Depression is such a horrid thing . It makes you think that whatever anyone can do for you is not enough . You feel like there just isn 't enough and never will be . You feel like nothing is possible . I haven 't even been able to write all week , until this evening . I am writing now because I am so very angry . Angry with the depression , angry with the chronic pain , angry with the fatigue , angry that I can 't have my grand - daughter over to visit me this weekend . Angry that I don 't have control over my life the way I used to . I am even angry that I don 't have my dog with me anymore , even though I know she is with friends that love her and she is happier there . Her name is Holly and she and I bonded into a friendship that was a new experience for me . We used to sing songs together . But there isn 't enough room for her here , so my dear friend took her in . I am so glad she didn 't have to go to strangers , but I am angry that I can 't have her with me . Samantha loves Holly too , and together we all had some funny times . Samantha used to drop food to the floor from her highchair and call to Holly to come and eat it . She thought it was such a hoot ! Her giggles were so cute that I could not find it in myself to get her to stop dropping food on the floor . No control . Is God in control then ? I don 't even know anymore . It feels like everyone else is in control of my life except me . Even this depression . It comes when it pleases , and stays as long as it pleases . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on August 22 , 2014 , in Life after 50 , Samantha and tagged Anger , darkness , depression , fear , frustration . 2 Comments Jul31 Today my son is thirty - five . I remember explicitly the day he was born . I was nineteen years old , in a small town on the coast of Oregon away from all my family except my husband . I was excited the day had finally come , but I was scared to death . Someone told me that the memory of the pain of childbirth would be forgotten . That was a lie . I remember it completely ! He was born face up , and could not be turned , so in order to make room for his face to come through the birth canal the doctor cut me several times . I ended up with two hundred and sixty stitches ! I remember someone asking me if I wanted the mirror placed so that I could watch the birth , but I said no . I was in so much pain that I just wanted it over with , I had no interest in seeing what was happening to my body . For those few hours this was the worst thing I thought I had ever been through and I did not believe I could do it . Several times I begged the doctor to just take the baby out or push it back in because I wasn 't going to do this anymore . I 'll bet all birthing mothers say that ! Finally , the only way I could push sufficiently was to practically sit up . My husband held me up as far as he could and I used my entire being , everything that was in me , to push that child into the world . At last ! It was done and my son was here , all in one piece and beautiful . He was truly beautiful , with long lashes any girl would envy , a double crown in his hair . I was starving , I was so hungry and finally someone brought me a sandwich . I took about 3 bites and fell asleep . I didn 't see my son again for nearly twelve hours . My breasts ached , I could see the nurses wheeling other babies down the hall to their mothers to be fed , and I cried and cried until finally they brought him to me . I was the last one . He had been sleeping and they didn 't want to wake him up . I didn 't care ! After all that work I did , I wanted my baby and I wanted him right now ! After feeding him at my breast , I laid him down on the bed and took off all the clothes and just looked at him . Each tiny finger and toe , his little ears . His sweet pink lips . I had been afraid to have a boy , I thought I would surely be better off with a girl . Since I had been a girl I would know what to do with one . As I sat there gazing at this little miracle , I was flooded with gratitude that I had a boy , I knew that I would know exactly what to do for him , how to care for him and how to raise him . I would know what kind of clothes to pick out and what kind of activities he would be interested in . I just … . knew . We ended up staying in the hospital for four days . He had jaundice , I had an infection in my stitches . I was able to spend a lot of time with him and I insisted that they not use the ultra - violet lights on him . I had read that those lights might be a cause of hyper - activity . So they brought him to me and I kept him near the window and the natural light to help his blood to change as it must in newborns . I remember there was one nurse , I don 't know her name anymore but she had and effect on me . She was mean and rude . She would come in and mash down on my uterus very very hard . She said she was " kneading " it to help the swelling go down . She said it was standard practice but I didn 't care , it hurt ! It hurt so bad that when she didn 't stop when I told her to , I punched her in the face ! I think that was the first time in my life that I actually took up for myself with someone outside of my family . I never saw that nurse again . When I was eighteen I had a radical surgery on my left knee , and it left me unable to move my leg at all . All the doctors and nurses believed that I would eventually be able to lift my leg off the bed , and they said I could not go home until I could do it . But I couldn 't . I tried and tried but that leg would not move . I gave up and started to become depressed . I begged the doctor to just put a brace on my leg and let me go home . A young nurse took pity on me and came to me with an idea . It would be our secret . She would place her hand under my calf and lift my leg for me , and all I had to do was try to hold it there on my own . I found that I could do that ! At first just for a few seconds . But she came in several times a day for two days and each time I could hold my leg up longer . Finally she just touched me and I lifted my leg about 3 inches on my own ! We both were very excited ! The doctor came in the next morning , ( I had practiced all night ) and I proudly showed him my accomplishment . He was very pleased and said I could go home now , that physical therapy would help me do the rest and soon I would be back to running . ( I never did get back to my jogging routine ) . I grew up believing I would be married and a mother . That was all I wanted , and I was so happy to be married and have this little baby . However , when he was about two and a half , his father left us . I was working , but all of a sudden I wasn 't making enough money . I was plunged into the world of single parenthood . I was completely unprepared . My family helped with some things . I was able to cut some expenses by doing laundry at my parent 's house , and for several months my mom watched my son while I worked . Later , when his dad moved away , they would take my son every other weekend to give me a break . I will always be grateful for the things my parents did for us . It was a very hard adjustment . Getting up earlier , no time for breakfast . Get myself and my son clean and dressed , pack his bag and off to the sitter or daycare . Work hard all day . I was in retail so I was on my feet all day long . After work , pick up my son , get home and prepare us a meal that was healthy . Read to him , play with him . Bath him , get him settled into bed . Then a little TV for me , and soon I was asleep . My days off were filled with errands and laundry and cleaning . There was no one to share these daily chores with me . In the beginning I had a sort of breakdown , became depressed but I didn 't know it . I just felt like I was on autopilot . I took good care of my son , but for a couple of weeks I didn 't bathe myself , I hardly ate . When I tried to eat I would just throw it all up . I was working in a men 's shoe store , with men . No one said anything to me , but one day I noticed a couple of them looking at me in a funny way . That was when I realized that I could not remember my last shower or the last time I kept any food down . When I got home that night I took a long hot shower and fell into bed . I woke in the middle of the night with a fever , fell back to sleep and dreamed . I dreamed I was in a cave , in sackcloth with my hair all tangled around me , barefoot and all alone . I woke up in the morning shaking with fever , when I tried to get out of bed I fell to the floor . I crawled to the phone and called my mom to come and get my son . I think she took me to the doctor as well . I know my fever was high and there was mention of a seizure . I was supposed to go to a specialist at some point and be tested for seizures , but I never did . Once I recovered , I was too busy . I did heal from this , and became pretty good at the parenting thing . There were some ups and downs , arguments with the ex over money and time spent with his son , illnesses . But there were bright times as well , and I hold those memories close . My son also had to adjust , I have a picture of him taken at the day care center about the time his dad left us . He looks depressed in that picture , a sad little boy who didn 't understand what was going on in his life . By the age of nine he wasn 't doing too well without his father . I will let him tell that story when he is ready , it is enough for me to say that he had to create a new self as well . We had excellent help from the medical profession for him to be able to do this at such a young age . When I was twenty - nine , again I fell into a deep depression , for no reason that I could see . I was prescribed Prozac , it was the newest hottest drug on the market . It did help some what , but it gave me insomnia and to help with that I was prescribed Ativan . At the urging of a dear friend , I entered therapy . Shortly after that , I was diagnosed as bi - polar . The medication was changed , and I was told some awful things about my future . I was told it was a progressive condition , that I would get worse over time . I was told I should not work , that I should not raise my son . I was told to let someone else raise him . Well , I just could not accept that at all . I believed that as long as I was in therapy perhaps I would make it . I was too terrified of becoming homeless to quit working . My son was the one bright spot in my day . I couldn 't lose that . He had already lost his father , I couldn 't put him through losing me too . So I stayed in therapy , I took my meds and kept going to work . Never once did I miss a day of work due to this issue . Some days were bad , and I would come home and throw a pot pie in the oven for supper and lay down on the couch . I would play board games with my son , or watch him play Nintendo . I felt like no one understood me . I know my family tried to , but there was a lot going on there with my brother . My closest friend was busy with new babies . There was one friend , Steve , who did understand the depression phase , and he would come over and just sit on my couch and let me lay my head in his lap and sleep . No words . Just his presence . I will always be grateful for this . During the up times , I shopped . I mismanaged my money and my mom had to bail me out several times . I couldn 't control it . I thought I was doing ok . I was paying my bills and I thought that using the credit cards was ok as long as I made the payments . But there were more and more credit cards , then I was given an American Express card . Well that was a different ball game . It had to paid in full , and this is when I started asking mom for money . In the end , I had to file bankruptcy and start over . I really did learn to manage money then , all cash . All the time . This is how it went for about 5 years . Work , therapy , child rearing . Battling the schools to pay attention to my son 's learning disability . Managing my money , trying to date . I was afraid all the time . I felt like there was this huge sign flashing on my head that said " MENTALLY ILL " in big neon letters and everyone could see it . I believed that everyone could tell just by looking at me . I began to withdraw . I stopped going to church , stopped going out with friends . Accepted that this was my life . I was working hard at the therapy , but I still had these fears to deal with . Then one day , I decided that enough was enough . I was sick and tired of being sick and tired . I was standing in my cube at work and I raised my fist toward heaven and silently screamed at God : " You could heal this ! Why don 't you ! Why are you making me go through this ! I don 't want it anymore and you have to do something about it ! " Almost immediately a voice , like a thought , came to me , silently . A scripture came to my mind and it was " As a man thinketh , so he is " . Then that voice that was like a thought said to me , " Susan , if you want to be well , then ACT well " . Very simple advice , I wondered why I hadn 't thought of it before . I made some decisions that day . On my own , with no advice from anyone else . I kept it secret , just for me . Secret , so that if I failed , no one would know . No one would say I told you so . If I succeeded , it would be mine alone . I worked hard at becoming what I considered normal . I resisted my impulses and gave thought to my actions . If someone asked me to do something and I would have said no , I would pause and think and then say yes . When I realized I was acting out of a habit , I forced myself to do the opposite . At first this required concentration . After some time , it became easier and one day I was just being myself . A new self . I felt whole . After about two years , I was in a therapy session and the doctor put down his pen and looked at me with this questioning look on his face . He asked me , " Susan , what have you done ? ! " I asked him what he meant . He said he had watched me very closely for several months , and that he believed I was no longer bi - polar . I asked him if he was sure of that . He was , he said . He was certain of it , but he wanted to know what I had done to bring this about because he was also sure it had nothing to do with him . I just smiled for a while . Then I told him what I had done with myself . A new birth , once again a new me . Was this harder than giving birth to my son , or making my leg work again ? I don 't know . I know it was hard , but there isn 't really anything to compare it to . Years later I learned how I was able to cure myself of the bipolar disorder . It has to do with the neuro - pathways in your brain . When you have a thought , it creates a pathway , and the more you think that thought , the stronger the pathway becomes . If you stop thinking that thought and replace it with a new thought , a new pathway developes and the old pathway withers away from disuse . But I didn 't know this , I only knew that it was up to me to make a change . When my son was nineteen , he moved out on his own . It was his time to make a life for himself . It was hit and miss for awhile , but eventually he got the hang of things and got his feet on the ground . He has a good head on his shoulders . For me , it was empty nest time . What was I supposed to do with myself if I wasn 't spending my time looking after my son ? I worried when he didn 't call me . I worried when he did call me because it usually meant something was going wrong . I talked to him and said that i needed him to call me just to say Hi , every couple of days or so . I told him I didn 't know what to do with myself , and you know what he said ? He told me to go ahead and just live my life ! Now , that was a novel idea ! Now , I am about to be fifty - five . I am a proud grandmother . It is my hope that I will be able to help my grand - daughter prepare for a life that can bring anything at any moment . Throughout the whole ordeal of being bi - polar and getting over it , I maintained my job at the same company . I worked there for twenty - two years . That job became a career for me , and it was a blessing as well . I was safe there , I did my job well and I had someone there who understood what I was dealing with and protected me . Eventually , as it always goes , the company was bought out by a larger corporation . For seven years we all struggled with the change from being a family business to a corporate atmosphere . One day the parent company merged our company with another and that became the beginning of the end . All that went on during this time is another story . I don 't know if I will write about that . It still hurts too much . After working there for twenty - two years , in spite of all of my accomplishments , I lost my job . I was fifty - one years old . That same year I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and degenerative spine disease of the lumbar . When that happened , I started to slip into that old depression again . I had enough severance pay saved to sustain me for a couple of years , so I just stayed in . I gave up . I filed for SSDI . I stopped leaving my house except to see the doctor or run down to the 7 - 11 . I paid friends to clean my house and do my laundry , take out the trash and pick up my medications . I did not leave the house if I could help it . I paid a neighbor to take care of my yard . My best friend would come over now and then to spend the night , giving me company and making me laugh a little . We watched TV together . We would splurge on fast food and cookies and ice cream . We shared all these treats with my dog , Holly . Holly started to get very very excited when she saw my friend drive into the driveway ! I had a another friend , Dawn , who was a licensed psychotherapist . She lived in Missouri , and I was living in Texas . Never the less , once a week we did therapy by phone . She could do long distance Reiki and other types of energy healing as well as talking . We did visualizations , reframing , past life regression . We were trying to find the root cause of this repeated depression that haunted me . We were never able to get there though . Dawn passed away from multiple myeloma just a few months after she became a grandmother . I was happy that she lived long enough to meet her grand - daughter . I miss her very much . By now I was taking a lot of medications . Pain meds , muscle relaxers , antidepressants , anti - anxiety , blood - pressure , beta - blockers , pharmaceutical vitamin D , anti - inflammatories . Nothing was really helping , and none of it was treating the fibromyalgia . I began to take more and more of the pain killers and muscle relaxers . All I ate were cookies and chips and ice cream . Sometimes candy . I just wanted to sleep . Just to sleep , that was all . I was unable to sleep in my bed , I would wake up with bad dreams . So I slept in my recliner and this didn 't help my back . I wasn 't sleeping well , and I guess that is why I kept taking more medication , because all I really wanted was to sleep . Eventually , my funds got very low . I realized I would not be able to pay the rent soon , or the bills . After much discussion , my dad said I could stay with them until my disability was approved . By now I had been denied twice and had hired a lawyer . I was too sick to pack up my house . My friends did what they could . Most of it was done by my sister , God bless her . I loved that little house . It was built the same year I was born . It had a large back yard and Holly loved to roam the perimeter and roll in the grass . She liked to lay in the sun . My landlords were wonderful people . The neighborhood was quite and peaceful . There were red birds , cardinals , robins and doves . The same squirrels took up residence in my trees and threw acorns and pecans at me . I had great neighbors . I didn 't want to leave . There just wasn 't any choice . I guess I brought about a tenth of my things to my parents house . The rest is in storage . I miss my books , my TV , but my parents have gone out of their way to make me comfortable . Holly went out to the country to stay with my friend whom she loves so much , there is ample room for her to roam . She is being well cared for and loved . I am at peace with that . Shortly after I moved in , my medical insurance ended . I applied for medical assistance through the county hospital . It took a few months but I was finally accepted and managed to get an appointment with a GP a couple of weeks later . It was wake up time ! This doctor was shocked at how much medication I was on and that I was not in a coma ! Those are her actual words ! She switched the muscle relaxers , switched the anxiety medication , started me on a medication for the fibromyalgia , lowered the dose of my painkillers , and upped the dose of my antidepressant . I didn 't like these changes , however I had no choice but to go along . I saw her once again , and then she was rotated and I was assigned a permanent doctor . He raised the dose on the anti - depressant again , and upped the dose for my diabetes medicine and talked to me about my weight . This was the first time ever that a doctor actually talked to me about my weight ! He referred me to the orthopedist for my back , and to the psychiatric department for the depression and anxiety . It has taken some time but I am making headway . The back pain isn 't any better even after a long series of injections , so I am supposed to have a more intensive procedure soon . I am at the maximum dose for the pain killers , as well as the anti - depressant . I am walking with the assistance of a cane . I am about to be fifty - five years old . I am wondering , what do I want to do with the rest of my life ? I know I can 't go back to work full - time or even part - time really . My back and my fibromyalgia won 't allow that . But I feel something else growing inside me . I feel a need to be creative again . I want to write . I have no education in writing . I did some procedural writing when I was working . I wrote poems as a teenager . ( what teenage girl hasn 't written a love poem or two ? ) I kept a journal while I was in therapy . I have written sermons , and even delivered them at church in front of real people ! I want to write . Here I am , starting from scratch again . I decided to begin with a blog . Now I am writing articles for Blogmutt and LinkedIn . It 's nothing very grand , but I am doing what I want , I am writing . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on July 31 , 2014 , in Life after 50 and tagged bipolar , childbirth , depression , family , Friends , God , healing , identity , single parenting , starting over , therapy , unemployed . 4 Comments Jul11 I hate to admit it , but I am receiving SNAP benefits , and when I go to the store , I swipe that card as fast as I can and jam it back in my purse . This comes from the time I was first married and had a newborn , my husband was in the Coast Guard and our entire income was 400 . 00 a month . This was 1979 . The Coast Guard paid the rent and basic utilities , but that 400 did not stretch enough to cover the phone , the rent on our color TV , yes I said rent ( we gave it up after a month ) , the food , baby items , gasoline , etc . So we went on WIC and Food stamps . Then when my husband left me , and I became a working mom , I was fortunate enough to have jobs that paid well . Sometimes I took in a roommate , but not often . I very seldom received child support , but I did get my son raised and on his feet , I even provided him with a car . THEN , 4 years ago I lost my job of 22 years . I had enough saved and along with the unemployment that lasted me 3 years . I was never able to find a job before I became unable to work at all , and plummeted into a profound depression . That is when my parents and sister packed up my things for storage and at 54 years old I moved in with my parents . It felt like I had lost every thing . Pretty much . My car is paid for so I didn 't lose that . I was renting my house , so that was not a problem , and I had used my severance pay to pay off all the credit card debt . When I moved in with my parents I had a little money left , but that 's gone now . My son pays for my medication and doctor bills , and I have applied for social security . And again , once again , I had to apply for food stamps , or SNAP as its now called . Thank God it is a debit card thing and not the stupid paper coupons you had to sign at the register ! So yeah , I relate to the many people in this country receiving WIC and SNAP . It is painful when others make judgements and assumptions and then express those opinions out loud when a person like myself is at the check out register . I don 't believe that anyone is taking advantage of this system . The application process is very detailed so it 's pretty hard to fake it . May30 After losing my job in 2010 , I tried hard to find another job in the same field . After awhile I gave up , and eventually fell into a depression . I have had depression before , but this time it was really bad . My family rescued me , and I found a place to let go off everything and just rest . Now , I am more myself again , and able to reflect on what has happened , where I am and where I should go with my life . I recently read a short article about potted plants . It said that when the plant stops flourishing you should take it out of the pot and check its roots . If the roots are going in circles around the perimeter of the pot , the plant is root - bound . It has taken all the nourishment it can from the soil . At this point , it is time to re - pot , or plant it in a garden to flourish again . While re - potting you have to manipulate the roots back outward so they will resume their path of growth and receive nourishment . You might even have to cut off the bottom portion of the roots if they are very bound up . This helps it let go of the parts of the roots that are not functioning well . This is how I see myself . A re - potted plant . One of the women I used to work with was always telling me that I was too talented for the job I was doing . Perhaps if I had listened to her and explored other avenues earlier I may have avoided the depression that was so devastating . I guess I wasn 't ready , I was too comfortable . So , here I am now . I have decided that I want to write . I am starting with this blog , and I will search the internet for everything I can find about writing . I am stretching out my roots , into this big world , to see what other nourishment it has to offer . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on May 30 , 2014 , in Life after 50 and tagged depression , family , job , potted plant , roots , soil , writing . 5 Comments After losing my job in 2010 , I tried hard to find another job in the same field . After awhile I gave up , and eventually fell into a depression . I have had depression before , but this time it was really bad . My family rescued me , and I found a place to let go off everything and just rest . Now , I am more myself again , and able to reflect on what has happened , where I am and where I should go with my life . I recently read a short article about potted plants . It said that when the plant stops flourishing you should take it out of the pot and check its roots . If the roots are going in circles around the perimeter of the pot , the plant is root - bound . It has taken all the nourishment it can from the soil . At this point , it is time to re - pot , or plant it in a garden to flourish again . While re - potting you have to manipulate the roots back outward so they will resume their path of growth and receive nourishment . You might even have to cut off the bottom portion of the roots if they are very bound up . This helps it let go of the parts of the roots that are not functioning well . This is how I see myself . A re - potted plant . One of the women I used to work with was always telling me that I was too talented for the job I was doing . Perhaps if I had listened to her and explored other avenues earlier I may have avoided the depression that was so devastating . I guess I wasn 't ready , I was too comfortable . So , here I am now . I have decided that I want to write . I am starting with this blog , and I will search the internet for everything I can find about writing . I am stretching out my roots , into this big world , to see what other nourishment it has to offer . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInRedditPrintTumblrPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted on May 17 , 2014 , in Life after 50 and tagged depression , family , job , roots , writing . 4 Comments john pavlovitzStuff That Needs To Be SaidSpiritual Formation CenterAWAKENING TO THE DIVINE PRESENCE IN THE WORLD Jan Stone Writes OnFollow my writing journeymysticheartblogWhat Matters MostHoly Soupwith Thom Schultzjohn pavlovitzStuff That Needs To Be Saidmadukovich 's cogitationsIgnorance is BlissuniquelifeviewsBooks and reviews with a little sassInnovative Ink1950 Memories of Suburban AdventuresMostly humorous stories with Buddha - like observationsDances With FatLife , Liberty , and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size DependentConnect | Engage | InspireHerald Magazine - - a Community of Christ publicationDaily BreadA daily discipline from Community of ChristSwinging From GrapevinesKristen LambAuthor , Blogger , Social Media JediCR Hodges , AuthorTales of Valkyries and Martians , ghosts and kitsune , were - coyotes and neodymium lasers . 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This week has been one of breaks with the past for Fred . For a while now , maybe every couple of months , Fred will ask can he have Colm or Vincent or Thomas over . These are names from at least 3 years ago when Fred was a regular at Lispole School . Sometimes he 'll get angry and remember something Vincent would have done . They had a fight one day over a shoe and Fred brought that up a couple of times this week , something that happened maybe 5 years ago . He 's not one to harbour a grievance is our Fred . " I miss my friends , " or " I wish I could have my friend Thomas over , " or " that Vincent he makes me mad . " Now why he happens to think of these old friends we don 't know but it must be very difficult for him to come to terms with losing their friendship . But miss them he does . Maybe it 's being in a different school that has reminded him of them , who knows . But this week we had to lay it out that those friends are in the past , for now . Even if Fred remembers them chances are that they may not remember him . In fact Colm has lived in the US for last few years and Thomas left Lispole School before Fred did . There were a lot of tears and sadness . To try overcoming this Lisa and I would point out that he 's making new friends . Jayden was mentioned a lot and Fred did say that Jayden was his best friend . To top it all I think Fred is also thinking of the carefree days he had with those old friends , before epilepsy took over his life . He 's remembering the good old days . It 's hard to tell a ten year old that he has to move on , especially one who 's been through as much as our Fred . But being the stoic that he is , he understood but the sadness is still there . The problem too is that Jayden has his other friends and for the time being Fred can 't go do what they all do together . The second thing had to say goodbye to this week were his milk teeth . Fred takes his time with things and has been very slow in shedding those first teeth . Now at ten his adult teeth are coming through and need help getting space in his mouth . On Thursday Lisa took Fred to the dentist to pull the ones that needed to go . Before he went Fred gave his teeth a good washing . . . At the dentist Fred had some of his lower front teeth pulled . When he came back he showed me the holes left behind . Apparently he didn 't flinch at the extractions or when the needle went into his gums . Amazing how things have changed . Then again this is the man who had me pull out a tooth once that was dangling from his top gum , and thanked me for doing it . That night though , just as he and Lisa went up to bed , I heard a big scream . Suddenly someone came running across the landing and down the stairs at the rate of knots . Fred burst into the front room , out of breath and his heart beating ten to the dozen . At the very least I though Dracula must have appeared at the window and Lisa was fighting him off with gloves of garlic . After he got his breath back Fred blurted out that there was a spider in the bed . Yesterday Ed Galvin had me on one his magical mystery tours and I left the house at about 9 . 15am . As I usually go to the market on Saturday mornings to stock up on fruit and veg Lisa had to do it this week . It was great . Fred went with her , they went to all the stalls filling the bags and it was something that a few months ago we wouldn 't have dreamt of doing . He was on his best behaviour , helping Mummy and doing normal things any ten year old would . Afterwards the two had to drive out to Dingle to collect Ruby . Fred was only too happy to get out and they met Lisa 's friend Fiona into the bargain . Now , on a normal weekend Lisa may have done that trip on her own and I would have gone to the market on my own . The way things transpired Fred got out and about , which can only be good for him . When I returned around 6 . 30pm I got one of Fred 's big , dramatic welcome homes . He clings to you for dear life and follows you around so as to remind himself of what you look like . Phrases like " I missed you so much " or " you were gone forever " are used as is " please don 't go away again . " It 's very flattering and makes coming home even more special . Sometimes he 'll tell tales of fights between himself and Mummy but none such yesterday . He did tell me though that he 'd had confusion during the morning while I was away . The fact he didn 't tell Lisa is upsetting as she would need to know so as to minimize the impact of a seizure , the last thing she would want is Fred hitting the floor at the market . This week had a first for Fred , at least something he hadn 't had in a long time . He was off school Monday with a cold . For once it was a normal , everyday infection that grounded him and something that kids get every day . Another bit of normality for our Fred . Not that he didn 't know how to milk it . The duvet was brought down from the bed and he got a whole day of watching whatever he wanted . Every now and then he 'd let out a sigh or do a big sniff , just letting us know that he was suffering , that the day home was justified . So as far as Fred was concerned the cold was putting an end to his school days , he 'd done that and now it was time to move on . As it happens , as the day progressed he recovered strongly , enough for him to go back on Tuesday . In essence he 'd had the cold all weekend and Monday was only a day of recuperation . Funnily enough he hasn 't had many sick days over the last few years , probably not mixing with other kids kept him away from infection . Now he 's back at school and whatever is going around Fred is bound to catch . This cold was being blamed on Jayden as Fred reckoned he 'd had it first . Poor Jayden wasn 't there to defend himself . All in all this back to school process has gone very well . Fred has adapted well and seems to have made some friends too . Jayden has been over and there have been mentions of other names as well . His reading has come on leaps and bounds . He was doing homework with Lisa during the week and read his book from cover to cover without a stumble . The writing could be better , he still tends to make the letters too big but that will resolve itself in time . Fred is good at maths , he flies through the sums Denise gives him and seems to be getting the hang of the sums quickly enough . Each day this week I collected him from school . Out he 'd come with a different sticker from Denise on his jumper . " Excellent work " or " star " would be one day and " great " or " wonderful " another day . Back home he 'll always say is that he 's not doing any homework ; his job is done for the day . The class diary will say differently though and after a bit of cajoling in the afternoon he 'll usually sit down at the kitchen table to do it . It 's getting slightly easier , he won 't fight to the bitter end to avoid doing it but he certainly won 't come easily . What kid does though ? On Wednesday as he was settling into being home , I emptied the school bag . It felt heavy , heavier than usual and when I opened the middle section there was a brachiosaurus , one of the solid German made models he got a few years ago . Obviously Fred decided it needed a trip to school and had snuck it in when Mummy wasn 't watching . Whether Jayden was shown it , I don 't know but I 'm sure Denise must have seen it when getting his stuff together . Sometimes I think Fred brings these toys along with the idea of showing them to his friends but in the fun of school he forgets all about them . Or maybe he wants them for the comfort factor , who knows with our Fred ? The first thing Fred does is strip off the uniform and throw it to the four corners of the front room , then he 'll ask for lunch . On Tuesday I went up to get him a change of clothes and I spotted a pair of jeans he hadn 't worn for a while . When he put them on I could see why , he 'd grown a bit since and they were a size or two too small . But Fred squeezed into them , looked at his legs and suddenly started smiling . He put his hands in his pockets and said : On Friday I had to go collect our car from the garage in Limerick . Two weeks and a day from when they first received it . I was upstairs when I got the call and when I came down to set off , Fred was lying out in Lisa 's arms . He 'd suddenly felt the confusion coming on and had quickly gotten into his mother 's arms to try sleep it off . For all the abuse Lisa gets from both Ruby and Freddie it 's always her they turn to when in trouble . Its testament to the mother she is and how much they actually do love her . Lisa wouldn 't listen to my not going , she sent me on my way with the logic that , it was only the afternoon away and not to let it break up the weekend by going off on Saturday instead . So off I went . Fred was very quickly in a deep sleep , it 's amazing how an onset of confusion can do that . Once I got to Limerick and retrieved our car I called home . Fred was awake and doing well , looking for dinner and watching a DVD . The relief to hear his voice in the background calling his Mum was massive . Back to Tralee I drove and got the biggest welcome home ever from the little man . You 'd think I 'd been at sea for the last year the way he ran out to meet me . Soon though it was obvious things weren 't well . Hannah was over , which made Fred very happy , but he didn 't say a word when she came in the room . Instead he had that look of fear that comes over him sometimes , those times he knows there a seizure on its way . Into his mother 's arms again but this time Lisa took him up to bed . Being prepared is the key here . We got him to the toilet and laid out the bed , where he 'd be safe . Fred wasn 't two minutes in the bed when the seizure struck . However there was a lot of shuddering not the full blown explosion of the usual kind . His eyes had flickered a lot leading into to it and he looked as if he was fighting it . It lasted the usual ninety seconds or so and he relaxed on his mother after it was all over . When he was safe I went back down to eat my dinner and chat with the girls . About an hour later I went up to check on them again . Fred was full of shakes ; his whole body was shaking , shuddering really but not going into seizure . Remarkably he was awake , the poor little man only too aware of what was happening . I sat in beside him . Eventually the mother of all angry seizures broke through . Like a racing car revving up for the off , it blasted through and gave Fred a fair whacking but he took it . After a couple of minutes it passed and Lisa sent me away again . She likes to take charge of these episodes and doesn 't need me fussing about . When not directly involved I tend to hover about , probably getting in the way more than anything else . I did what I was told but first made a cup of tea for Lisa . Every now and again I 'd check in on what was happening but all was fine , Fred was sleeping heavily but no more activity . At about 11pm I went up to bed but Lisa sent me off upstairs , she wasn 't for moving . All I could do was what I was told and kissed my sleeping man goodnight . For once I must have slept well for the next thing I knew it was 7 . 30am . I rushed downstairs and in the bedroom the two were almost exactly as I 'd left them . Fred had had a peaceful night and was sleeping it off . Lisa allowed me take over and off she went for a walk . Fred got up with me about an hour later and we made a big breakfast . Ella and Ben came for a quick visit and though Fred didn 't come in from the front room it was more out of tiredness than anything else . Even as they left he came out to say goodbye and did a few laps of the estate after they 'd gone . A scream of ' just go away ' coming from Ruby followed by a ' no you go away ' from Fred has reached me upstairs . Now should I go down and see what 's up or leave them sort it out for themselves ? Fred is in great form this morning but that great form doesn 't translate into funny for Ruby when she 's just out of bed . Lisa , Fred and I were up earlier than Ruby , my teenage daughter needed to catch up on her sleep ; she was at a party on Friday night and has been jaded since coming home yesterday . It 's gone quiet , it sounds like a full outbreak hasn 't occurred , maybe it will be safe to go down for lunch . Over breakfast Fred was full of his fun . He was telling us about ' Jaws the Girl ' , his name for the first Jaws movie and re - enacting the funny bits when the three stars are drunk on the boat at sea . I 'm not sure if it 's the contagious laughter of the three men he finds so funny or the actual jokes . You never know with Fred , he has a great sense of humour . Before sitting down at the table he 'd been doing a silly dance to some music on the radio , making his parents laugh at his nonsense . He calls the movie ' Jaws the Girl ' as a young girl gets eaten in the famous opening scene of the film , also I think it 's because a still from that scene is on the cover of the DVD case . One may question a ten year old watching Jaws but he loves it and knows it off by heart at this stage . At a pub quiz one time there was a question to which I knew the answer was Jaws because Fred watches it so often . A fairly obtuse one too . A woman , who knows me and Fred , asked for a hint to the answer . The usual carry on at a good natured pub quiz . I said ' it 's to do with the sea and it 's my Fred 's favourite movie . ' That team wrote down ' Finding Nemo ' and were a bit surprised at the answer being Jaws . Always one for a surprise is ' my Fred . ' Last night he sounded like he was going into a seizure . It was in the middle of the night , he made that horrible sound I can 't describe and his body stiffened . It was over in seconds , I wasn 't even sure what was happening when Fred called my name . . . As I cuddled him he dropped off to sleep , leaving me awake , I still hadn 't recovered from thinking he was having a seizure . A scary fox was fairly removed from a thirty foot shark , wherever he got that image from . Freud and Jung could spend a lifetime at Fred 's dreams without being any the wiser . Ruby wasn 't the only female Fred has been fighting with this week . On Friday I took over from Lisa for the second shift of waiting outside of the school . Now that he does a half - day it can be too long for one person alone to sit on duty . Someday we 'll get brave enough to skip home while he 's inside . Lisa told me how a row had erupted just as they were heading to school . Fred , for all his wonderfulness , can be frustrating when you 're trying to get him out the door in the morning . If he 's not looking for something to take with him or just doing anything except getting dressed he can push you to the limit when in a hurry . On Friday I think it was the fact he 'd spilled toothpaste on his school jumper when washing his teeth . This time instead of taking the reprimand he 'd gone for the row and two had a right old ding - dong . So much so that Lisa had forgotten to make his lunch . After dropping Fred she 'd had to rush home again to get it ; no matter how big the row the love of the mother still triumphs . Lisa went off home and I stayed on duty . At lunchtime when Fred 's head came around the corner , I got out to meet him . Denise , as always walked him to the gate and when saw me he took off , running with arms outstretched . " What 's that ? " I asked . Sometimes it can be that he had confusion , other times he 's just reporting Jayden being bold , you never do know . Back home Lisa was standing in the kitchen . Fred stood beside her , head down but looking up at her from time to time . Lisa holding her stance , looking down at him , not saying a word . On Monday afternoon , I was having lunch and Fred was beside me , watching a movie . He was bit jerky , it was day fourteen so this was to be expected . Outside on the back wall a pair of magpies were eating the crumbs I 'd put out earlier . Two for joy , I said to myself and pointed out their beautiful colouring to Lisa . She agreed and I headed off upstairs to my office leaving the happy two to relax before doing homework . Fred was coming out of the seizure just as I got into the front room . ' No sixteen day break this time ' , I remarked as I helped Lisa get Freddie comfortable , not that fourteen days isn 't great . Apparently he had asked Lisa if he could go to sleep and as he was making his way across the couch the seizure struck . She 'd noticed his eyes flickering but it had hit very quickly . The poor little man probably had been caught unawares but at least he was in his mother 's arms . All afternoon the epilepsy took a go at Fred . Lisa nursed him , kept him safe and made as little fuss of the episode as only she can do . At about six o ' clock Fred had number five , the number we agreed to step in at , and so Lisa gave him the shot of Diazepam to try call a halt to it all . It worked . The seizures stopped and Fred slept soundly . He woke about 8 O ' clock and moved over to cuddle up to me . So much for the mother giving him all her care for the day . She 'd sat there all afternoon , for nearly seven hours , with just cups of tea and the odd digestive to keep her going . There was no way I could take over , it wouldn 't be even contemplated while Fred was in seizure . Now Lisa could get a break , she could relax and catch up on her day . On Monday I was getting Fred ready to take to school . As part of trying to give him independence , of not having Mummy and Daddy forever fussing over him and to get him to do things for himself , I leave him alone in the front room to get dressed . While he 's doing that I make his lunch and tidy up the kitchen . Normally after a few minutes I get the call to help , sometimes he 's dressed and Fred only calls me say he 's ready . That morning Fred was quiet and when I 'd packed his bag he shot into the kitchen to grab it off the table . He was almost fully dressed , no shoes on though and I gave him a minute or so before following in to the room . When I did he was hanging over the back of the couch , rummaging in the toy boxes . . . Later that afternoon he joined me in my office . He dragged a chair from Ruby 's room and sat at the desk watching something on YouTube , headphones on so as not to disturb Daddy . After a while he took off the headset and turned to me . . . On Thursday we had an appointment with Professor Mary King at Temple Street . Prof King is our Dr Shahwan 's mentor and the person he claims taught him all he knows . High praise indeed from the man Lisa and I adore for all he 's done for our Fred . Amre wanted MK , as she is known , to do a full overview of Fred 's case , run an independent eye across everything and give her opinion . Vital input for the upcoming surgical consult meeting . Very importantly too he wanted her to check for any underlying genetic disorder or metabolic problems that may be causing Fred 's epilepsy . Amre couldn 't go into the surgical consult without this work being done , as it may be one of the first questions asked . There would be little point putting Fred through surgery if his epilepsy is being caused by other factors . Also Amre had noticed a ' slowness ' in Fred 's EEG brain readings , a slowness that couldn 't be explained by medication use and continued seizures alone . MK is recognised as being an expert on childhood neurological problems and getting her to cast a cold eye on Fred 's case was a sign of how much of a perfectionist Dr Shahwan is , how he covers every angle . We set off for Dublin on Wednesday . The idea being that we 'd get a night with Conor and Cathy and arrive fresh for Prof King Thursday morning . As it was likely to be the last sunny day of this current round of trips to Dublin , we left early and took the scenic route to Limerick , the coast route via Foynes . The weather was gorgeous , the scenery lovely and we drove along , chatting as we went . As we drove onto the motorway at Limerick I was sorry to leave the easy going trip along the Shannon behind . The motorway is great but can be a bit boring . We were making good time ; all was ok with the world . Then , somewhere between Nenagh and Moneygall , I changed gear to move out to the fast lane when nothing happened . The gear stick moved but the car started losing drive , it wasn 't responding to the accelerator . At first I thought I was imagining it but as I pulled into the hard shoulder the car was shuddering and came to a full stop . The engine restarted first time but the car wouldn 't move . Luckily I 'd taken up Audi 's offer of a year 's free roadside assistance and I rang the freephone number . The guy was very helpful and said that they would look after everything but it may take up to an hour to get us sorted . Luckily it was a warm day . Fred and I got out and sat on the steep bank , watching the cars go by and throwing stones into the deep grass . Lisa stayed in the car , reading her Kindle . Every now and then I 'd get a call , updating us on what was happening , eventually I got one from the tow - truck driver who was somewhere outside Toomevara and would be with us by about 5 O ' clock . We ate fruit and rationed the one bottle of water we had . The cars sped by , the noise was heavy and the heat off the tarmac was strong . Fred kept asking where the repair man was , he was anxious to get to Inchicore . I got him down of the bank and into the car , into the loving arms of his mother . Typical Fred , what a time and place for the poor boy to feel a seizure coming on . Lisa laid him out on her lap and he was asleep in seconds . As Lisa pointed out , maybe the concentration of car noise had sent to brain into overdrive . We closed the doors to lessen the noise but it was so hot we had to open the windows on the bank side . About 15 minutes later I saw the tow - truck arrive . Fred popped his head up to see , the confusion had passed , or so he claimed . The driver , Mark , was a lovely fellow and could see immediately that not all was well with Fred . He put Lisa and Fred in the cab of the tow truck while we tried getting the car up on the back . Mark managed to drive it up and soon we were on our way . In the truck he rang his HQ to report that we would need immediate help as we were travelling with a sick child . In fairness to Fred he did look a bit wrecked , both from the heat and the confusion . It was a tight cab , all four of us were squashed in and there wasn 't any air conditioning . Mark got us off the motorway ; he 'd gotten a call to say that he was to take the car to Limerick and that there would be a rental car waiting for us there . As Mark explained our situation they told him to get us a taxi for the journey . So in Nenagh Mark had a taxi waiting , we unloaded the car into the back of the lovely , cool , air - conditioned BMW and headed for Limerick . Fred was sitting up now but Lisa and I decided to head for home . Freddie wasn 't having it ; he wanted to see Conor and Cathy . At 6 . 30pm , five and half hours since leaving Tralee we got to the rental place . Luckily I had my driving licence with me and by 6 . 45 we were sitting in the new car . Fred , delighted to be on the road again , sitting up beside his mother . After a bit of discussion and checking Fred over , we decided to continue to Dublin . The next day 's meeting was too important to miss and Fred did seem to be over the confusion . We grabbed a quick ' dinner ' from Burger King and ate it in the car , back on the Motorway . Fred sat up for the whole trip , looking out at the evening views and was delighted when he saw the lights of the city as we approached Dublin . In Inchicore we knew we 'd done the right thing , all our troubles slipped away . We arrived bang on 9 O ' clock but the welcome made us forget our tiredness and we put the trip behind us . It became a story to tell . Many stories were told , we laughed , we ate and we drank some wine . Freddie watched a DVD until about 10 . 30pm when he and Mummy went off to bed , only after kisses from his Conor and Cathy . On Thursday we were in Temple Street for nine . After signing in we went down to our favourite cafe in the basement for breakfast . Mark rang to say he 'd dropped the car off and I thanked him again for all he 'd done for us . Lisa and I were nervous about the meeting , Freddie didn 't want to meet ' Mary King ' , he wanted ' Cathy Madigan . ' As it happened Cathy Madigan joined us in the meeting . From the beginning you could see that Prof King was a formidable brain , someone who knew everything about their field , someone you could trust . She did many , many tests . She had Fred hopping on one leg , jumping around , spoke directly to him and more importantly ignored the parents . Fred was her subject , she wanted to get her judgement from her questions and Freddie 's answers . She swopped opinions with Cathy as she went , drawing on Cathy 's months of time spent with Fred , always thinking , always assessing . When she finished she laid it out for us . She didn 't think that there was any genetic disorder and gave us many reasons for this opinion . To confirm her view she was ordering a series of blood tests , just for the record really but also to be definite . What she was concerned with was the slowness of Fred 's EEG readings . This correlated with what she had garnered from her own tests and from Cathy 's work . She believes that Freddie has a learning disability but cannot say if it 's from the damaged part of his frontal lobe as identified by Dr Shahwan or if it is separate from that again . After the meeting Cathy took us to her room for a talk . She explained that Prof King 's findings were very positive , if there was a genetic disorder the prognosis would be a lot more serious . Cathy outlined how tough a road Fred will have in front of him , but also how much we already had in place , how much work had already been done . Fred was back in school , he 'd had the months of brain mapping as done by her and the resource teacher had being appointed for one - on - one learning . He 'd even had Jayden over to play . The Temple Street team is in place to start work immediately on Fred , once the surgery is done . This is a difficult time for us . There are many variables at play and much won 't be known till Fred has his surgery . We are pinning all our hopes on the team saying yes to Dr Shahwan 's case and he reckons the meeting will happen in early October . Amre has covered every angle in preparing Freddie 's case and we really feel the Temple Street team is behind us every step of the way . Yesterday morning was the first Saturday of the back to school era . As we 've suddenly being getting up at 7am again , maybe 7 . 15am for our Fred , yesterday 's lie - in till 8am was nice . This morning it was nearer 9am which was even nicer . The really great thing about Saturday morning was the chance to have a lazy breakfast and catch up on some reading . So there I was , on my second cup of coffee , Lisa off doing Lisa things and Fred finishing his breakfast . My head was in my magazine , I was reading a review of a book on modern democracy when Fred asked . . . On Monday , day sixteen , Fred was anxious to have Jayden over . As Jayden 's Mum was busy Lisa and Fred went over to collect him . From my office I saw them arrive and could see how happy Fred was to have his friend over . They went inside and when I came down at lunchtime , the two were digging into chicken sandwiches and watching Mr Bean . They were both laughing at the same things and I could see how happy Freddie was to have someone to share it with . Much as I try not to , I still find Mr Bean annoying , so for Fred to be able to share his jokes with someone was great to see . Later they went playing outside and were having great fun doing boy things . After a while they came in and the two went upstairs to get some tools , Fred had decided to go digging for dinosaur bones . The rocks over the other side of the estate are an ideal place for an archaeological dig . So the two set off with screwdrivers , brushes , a hammer and various other tools . When I looked over they were getting an audience . The other kids on the estate were getting interested in the dig and were gathering around . This was great for Fred , they are all younger than him and as they are running around doing their own thing he doesn 't play with them . Now for once they were following his lead , getting interested in what Fred was doing . Lisa went over to the dig to keep an eye on things . While Jayden was upstairs I looked out at the other kids getting tools from their houses . Freddie really had them all going , little Billy across the way was struggling down the footpath with a garden shovel . Then one of the other mothers came running towards our house . Lisa was holding him in her arms , Fred had been kneeling so hadn 't fallen , just collapsed into her arms . That maternal instinct of hers just knew not to be too far away from her man . The other kids were standing around , confused more than shocked , Billy leaning against his shovel . We got Fred into the car and brought him home . As we lay Fred on the couch Jayden came downstairs with a box of tools . I asked him to go get the tools they had brought over earlier and he ran off . When he came back with the full box , Ruby packed up his bags and I put him in the car . As I drove him out of the estate he asked . . . Oddly enough what happened was a good way of breaking new ground . Fred had interested the kids in his things , Jayden too , and the seizure , which had been expected , was handled well by Lisa and little fuss was made of it . If there was a good way of showing Fred 's epilepsy to the estate and to Jayden , Monday 's event was probably the best we could have hoped for , with little fuss and minimum drama . The night went ok . Fred didn 't have any more big seizures but he had a few small ones . About 8 O ' clock he woke and ate two small bowls of risotto . We went to bed about 10 . 30pm and after a book he went off to sleep . An hour later he had a couple more small ones , and I expected a night of big ones to follow , but he slept well . About 5 . 50am , a big one hit . Lisa gave the medicines as usual at 6am and another seizure hit about 6 . 30am . Fred slept soundly for the rest of the morning , Lisa lying beside him keeping guard . |
The apartment we moved into was beautiful and spacious . My family and I were happy to get away from our old apartment . My dad always came home from work with a big smile on his face and almost every day he came home with a big bar of chocolate . My mom got an interview call from the school where my sisters and I were studying in , and within a week she got a job as an English Teacher . Now with my mom also earning , it has become easier for my dad . Before when my dad was the only bread earner in the family , it was kind of tough for him to feed all of us . I mean it 's not that we were poor but at that time my dad could afford to take us to a restaurant only once in a month , and at times when my sisters or I fall sick then it was tough for my dad to use the money for any entertainment purposes . Sorry , I never mentioned this before , but I am a Christian ( Roman Catholic ) . The reason why I never mentioned this to you was that at that time my family and I never used to pray much . We believed in God , but we used to pray rarely . But this time we needed him by our side at all times . My new apartment had two bedrooms , two bathrooms , a huge kitchen and dining room and a huge living room . My parents had the master bedroom for themselves , and my sisters and I used the other bedroom . There were three beds for each of us . All the three beds were attached , and on one side of the room , we had an altar with the picture of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and a small lamp with a small cross inside emitting an orange light . It gives out a little light but enough to distinguish the big cupboards from the small drawers . Even with the altar in our apartment , me and my family still prayed rarely . Right at the foot of our beds , there is a small portable clothes holder . I don 't know what you call it , but it 's something that everyone uses to dry their clothes if they don 't have a place to hang wet clothes outside . People use this mostly in apartments . Everything seems to go well , but one day my dad came home angry . He didn 't want to talk to anybody , and he didn 't have his dinner , he just went directly to bed . The next day my mom asked the reason for him to be so angry . And my dad said he doesn 't know why . My mom was the first to realize that whatever has happened to us at the old apartment was going on again . My sisters and I started to fall sick again . My dad lost his job , and that made it worst . Things began to go upside down again . My mom was the one who became more depressed . She was the only one in the whole family who doesn 't seem to be affected by sickness or any other horrible feelings . But she understood that something was not right . And that 's where again my sisters and I found out the reason . It was bed time . My parents went to bed . My sisters as usual and I were talking stories . The light was off , and only the small lamp with the cross inside was lit . At about 1 am we were still wide awake . That night was so different from other nights . This is the first time my sisters and I couldn 't sleep . And for no reason we became scared . I don 't know why . At about 1 : 15 am the small lamp with the cross inside suddenly went off . I have no words to say how my sisters and I felt that night . The whole room was entirely black . In about 5 min we were able to adjust our eyes in the dark . And that is when we saw it . We froze . I want to scream . I can 't turn my head sideways ; I can 't even move my body . I 'm sure my sisters felt the same way . Something was jumping from the foot of our bed over the clothes holder and on to the other side . It was black . Even in the dark room and with a little light coming out of the window , we could still see that black thing . It looked more like a furry animal . It was just jumping from the foot of our bed and over the clothes holder and back again . If we see a person jump up and down with his hands high up in the air , you can tell the man is happy . That was the same way we could feel that thing was jumping out of joy . For about 5 min we could see this creature jumping . And this suddenly it just vanished . We didn 't move at all from our beds . I wanted to run to my parent 's bedroom . For once in all my life I felt that being with them is the safest place I could be . But I couldn 't get up . My sisters and I fell asleep at last out of fear . Next morning my mother came to our room to wake us up and saw all 3 of us are hugging each other in our sleep and we were completely covered with the blanket . My youngest sister was sweating so much that even with the a / c on . She was running a high temperature . My mother woke us up and saw that we were so pale and our eyes were so red . My sisters started to cry . We told her everything what happened during the night . My mother called my dad . He was freaked out after he heard what we said to him . My mom kept mumbling to herself . She kept saying , " It has followed us here . It has followed us here " . My dad didn 't go to office that day . My mother , my sisters and I didn 't go to school . We were so scared to do anything . The room was so silent . My mother suddenly stood up and told us that there is one solution . PRAY . My mother took us all in front of the altar and that is when my parents noticed the lamp with the cross in it was not on . My dad tried to fix it but it wouldn 't work . We started to pray the rosary . That night my sisters and I slept in my parents ' bedroom . For a week we prayed without fail . We began to pray every morning when we woke up , before having lunch , at 5 pm and night before going to bed we say the rosary . Suddenly a week later after the incident the lamp with the cross inside suddenly lit up . And my mother suddenly jumped up with joy and said we are all safe now . And yes we were . After that , everything came back to normal . My dad was happy with the way he was at first . We never felt sick again . We continued to pray always . It has been the same way , a happy family for the past 15 years now . At times I used to think if all these problems we faced were because of that old apartment . I don 't know . But maybe if we would have prayed , our problems would have been solved when we were in our old apartment . I couldn 't say . All I know is that my family is saved because we allowed God to be close to us . We never saw anything horrible again for the past 15 years . And I 'm glad about the way things are now . We 're so happy . I don 't remember how old I was but I think I was in the 4rd grade . So I guess I was really young at that time . The story I 'm about to tell you is real and the only one who were able to witness this were my two little sisters . The apartment me and my family were staying was about 25 to 30 years old . It was on the 5th floor . That was our first apartment . There was always something odd about that apartment . Most of the time my dad and mom used to get angry for no reasons at all and me and my little sisters used to fall ill most of the days . Here is one incident that happened to my mom when I , my dad and my sisters went to meet some relations of ours because my granddad passed away recently . My mom stayed back for she said she wasn 't feeling well . After the visit my dad drove us back to the apartment and when we climbed up the stairs to out apartment , I saw my mom standing outside the main door and trembling . My dad asked her what happened and she said she had a feeling that dad ( granddad ) was inside our apartment . My dad 's first words were , " What rubbish " . When he opened the main door I admit I did see the reaction on my dad 's face . He turned white . I didn 't realize this at first but it suddenly occurred to me that I can get some bad smell coming out of my apartment . It was the very same stinky smell of my granddad . My granddad was always smelly . But this smell was not mistakable . It was him and he was in my apartment . My parents were a bit freaked out but within a week we completely let that memory out of our heads . Now here is the worst part of my nightmare . Few months later I was returning home from school . While I was climbing the stairs I can get the smell of something burning . The smell was so strong that it was hard for me to breathe properly . Each step I took towards my apartment the smell grew stronger and stronger . As I reached the main door I realized the smell was coming from there . My dad opened the door for me and I could see him covered with ash . My two little sisters came running to me and said that the AC blew up in flames . I was excited and disappointed that I wasn 't there to witness the incident . My sisters pulled me to the bedroom and that is when I noticed right under the AC there was a huge round black patch . My sisters were pouring out words on how my dad put out the fire . The reason how the fire occurred was because there was a short circuit and the wire blew out in flames . My dad said he will apply paint on the black patch as soon as possible . But he never did it . And that is when I realized that it wasn 't just me and my family staying in that apartment . We had an uninvited guest staying with us and we never knew that . I and my parents realized this only after my two little sisters who were sick at that time revealed that there was someone with us . A Few days after the fire incident , my youngest sister fell ill with high temperature . My dad was at work and I , my mom and my two little sisters were at home . My little sister was on my mother 's lap in the bedroom where the fire broke out . I and my other sister were in the living room watching cartoons . For some reason I wanted to go to the bedroom . I don 't remember what I wanted to take from there but I remember going there and that is when I noticed my mother was scared and she was trying to calm my little sister down . My sister was so scared . She was looking at the place where the black patch was and she was crying and shivering violently . I looked at what she was seeing and I didn 't at first noticed it properly but after staring at the black patch for a few seconds I realized what it was . It was not just a black patch . It was a face . It had eyes and a mouth . The mouth was wide open . It was like it was laughing out loudly . My other sister after hearing my little sister crying out loud she too came into the bedroom and froze . She too had noticed the face . But there was something else I couldn 't see that my two little sisters were seeing . From their point of view the face was moving and laughing like as if it was enjoying the way me and my family were suffering . When my dad came back from work my mother told him what happened . He was totally freaked out after he stared at the black patch and noticed it was a hideous face . We had a small can of paint and my mother started painting over the face until not even the slightest part of it can be seen . It took some time for me and family to settle over this . My little sisters were affected the most . They started seeing nightmares . Within a month we shifted to a new and better place . I noticed a lot of difference in my family . My dad and mom where always laughing and playing with us whenever they had free time . I and my sisters never used to fall sick like the way we used to before . Everything was going on great for us . Months later we got news from friends who were our neighbors at our previous apartment where we used to stay before . They said after we left the whole apartment was repainted . A new family moved in . Our neighbors said that they were a joyful and happy family . But within four months that family was devastated . The husband started to shout every time for no reasons . Their kids started to fall sick every time just like the way it happened to me and my family . That couple got divorced a few days later and they left the apartment . After that another family took the apartment . And a month later while they were on a vacation , fire broke out and the whole apartment was burned down . We later got the news that the fire broke out from the same area where the black patch was . While I entered college and my sisters were in the high school , I remembered this incident and I asked them about this . They grew nervous and said they remembered it well . They both said the hideous face was laughing out loud . They said they could hear a man laughing . I remember I couldn 't hear the face laughing but all I know was there was a face there . I started going through the net to see if anybody else as witnessed such an incident . Many stories I have read are all different and new . So I thought of putting this incident on the net in case somebody else has faced the same situation . All those who have studied with me at ICAT will recognize him . Those of you who haven 't the faintest idea , then please don 't crack your head . He 's nobody . This incident happened to my cousin brother during my school days . He was elder to me but still at that time I learned to swim in just a day . Back there in Riyadh , My uncle 's son invited me and my sisters to go swimming with them . The swimming pool belongs to my uncle 's company , so we had all the privacy . To go swimming is like a dream come true if you are anywhere in Saudi Arabia , at least for my sisters . I and my sisters went for the first time and we had lots of fun . The whole swimming pool just for us ! I didn 't know how to swim at that time and I badly wanted to learn swimming . So I watched the way how my uncle was swimming and after a lot of tries I could swim . I don 't know how to float on water but I can swim without stopping and I try to swim near the platform in case I get tired . Two days later my uncle invited my cousins to join us . It was their first time to . We were all exited . I was eager to jump into the pool . As soon as we reached there we put on our swim suits and jumped into the pool . In 30 minutes I was able to perfect myself . As for my cousins , it 's their first time in a swimming pool . My cousin brother started to practice swimming with us all . I remember him asking me this question when he saw me swimming well , " How did you learn swimming so fast ? " My uncle 's son can swim to and after some time he said lets all go to the deeper side of the pool and swim to the end . I was ready but my cousin who still hasn 't learned to swim properly was doubtful . But still my friend told him it 's ok and that all he has to do is paddle his legs and hands . I wasn 't so sure about this and warned my cousin that it 's risky . Well I didn 't have to say that twice . He was already standing with my friend at the platform of the deepest part of the pool ready to jump . And in they jumped both my friend and my cousin brother together . I saw that both were swimming to the other side of the pool and I took a deep breath , closed my eyes and dived into the water and started swimming to the other side . The pool was really long and I couldn 't reach the other side of the pool . But somehow I managed to reach the part of the pool where I could stand . And that 's where the nightmare began . I opened my eyes expecting to see both my friend and my cousin brother to be somewhere ahead of me . But they weren 't . From behind I heard some kind of choking noise and someone hitting the water hard . I turned around and saw my cousin brother drowning . He was trying to reach the platform but he was too far to reach it . Because of that he caught hold of my friend and both started going down . Both were on the deepest side of the pool but if I stretch out my hand I could reach my friend . But for my cousin brother I could do nothing . I was too horrified . Suddenly my friend managed to push my cousin brother somewhere close to the platform and somebody from there managed to get to him and pulled him out of water . As for my friend , I was standing at the edge and I managed to pull him towards me . I looked over to over my cousin and saw him sitting on the platform coughing badly . After sometime he stood up still shivering out of fright and walked to the men 's changing room . I was still dazed from what happened . I was glad that he was ok . After a few minutes we all got out of the water silently . Nobody spoke a word . I don 't remember how old I was . Maybe I was in grade 2nd or 3rd . But I know I was too young to do most things on my own without the help of my parents . Back in Riyadh , me and my family used to go to the American Embassy for Mass . There weren 't any churches in Saudi Arabia , so we had to go to the embassy since that is the only place in Saudi Arabia where no one can catch us practicing our religion . As usual one day me and my family went for mass . Everything went on smoothly . The choir sang well . The priest gave a wonderful speech that I found boring ( maybe I was too young to understand ) and my parents found the speech very interesting . I saw everyone taking the host and took a sip of the wine from the cup ( In US , the people gets the host from the priest and another person holds a cup with wine . All those who wants to have the host with wine can take a sip from the cup and this practice is not there in India ) . " The mass has ended . You may all go in peace " . These were the last words spoken by the priest and then I guess I never wanted to go for a mass in an American Embassy or anything that relates to the Americans for just one reason . I 'm going to tell you what that reason is if you promise to keep my age or height or whatever it is in your mind before I tell you my reason . I mentioned before that I was too young to do most things on my own . So I was just a little boy and I need my mother by my side at all times . As soon as the mass ended I wanted to go to the rest room badly . That 's not a problem isn 't it ? It 's a nature of a human being to dispose of whatever their eaten . There 's a rest room in every home , in every work place and it was easy to find the rest room . HAAAAAAA ! ! ! The best part of the American restrooms is that , they are so shinny , neat and don 't stink like our Indian restrooms and it 's air conditioned . I took all my time and my mother from the other side of the door was screaming at me to come out . Once I was done I looked for a hose pipe . Ok … That 's not there . I looked for a bucket … Ok … that too wasn 't there . I looked for a bloody tap … . . What the … Where is the … O my God … . How the hell was I going to wash ? There was this fear in me as if I was sitting on a time bomb that was going to blow up any minute . Which bloody restroom that doesn 't have a hose pipe or a bucket or at least a tap ? I started to scream for my mother . She got so scared and came running to the door and asked what happened ? I told her the reason . I not sure if I heard it properly but I think my mother was laughing with her hands covering her mouth . She said she will get a bucket and a mug for me . I was inside a room that was the size of a telephone booth and it looked like hours since she finally showed up . She got a bucket with water and a mug . I was so happy to see a bucket with water inside it . I had my accountancy text book open in front of me which is the size of the New Testament and Old Testament combined together . I removed my accountancy record book from my bag and this book almost reached from the tip of my fingers to the elbow . With neither the text book nor my record book fitting on my desk I think I should have the teacher 's desk to fit these two books . In the middle of the class my P . Ed ( Physical Education ) teacher came in an asked my accountancy teacher if he takes few minutes of her time . My accountancy teacher happily gave him the permission . I think she was glad to get a few minutes rest . A teacher trying to take care of 30 students in a class wasn 't a joke . My P . Ed teacher told us that a sports selection is going to take place and all those who are interested can give their names . Those who are selected can go for the nationals in Jubail ( Saudi Arabia ) . Well to start with , I haven 't been in any of the sports activities that took place in my school for the past 5 years and I have no clue whether I could even cross the finish line without stopping to get my strength back . I enrolled . At least if they call me for practice I could skip these boring classes . Sweet ! My P . Ed teacher told to all those who gave their names should be there at the football field by 5 pm . At 1 : 30 pm the last class was over and I went home thinking to myself will I ever get selected for the nationals . I 've heard of other guys who were so fast that you just got to blink once and there they are at the finish line . I wasn 't good at anything . So what if I just give it a try . At least I tried . That was enough for me . I tried …… . . At 4 : 50 my dad dropped me in front of my school and I started walking towards the football field . I froze . What on earth ? The whole ground were filled with students . Most of them were taller than me . Most of them were warming up . And I just stood and stared as if I was seeing the enemy getting ready for battle . Why on earth did I ever get myself into this mess ? Waste of time . Damn . My P . Ed teacher blew his whistle and said all those interested in 100 meters race please go to the starting line . Yup ! I 'm here miles away from home . I have nowhere to go if I turn back now . What the hell … Just go and be done with it . I went to the starting point and got myself ready . I turned to my left and noticed there were at least 40 of us at the starting line ready to race . All of them were taller than me . Some of them were well built . And I stood there like a dead scarecrow waiting for the crows to peck my flesh out . This is the first time after five years I will be running on the track . All these weird thoughts kept coming to my head . It was more like a whisper . Voices …… . . " Ryan , forget it . It 's no use . You are just going to fall half way down the track begging for someone to give you a glass of water " . I closed my eyes , took a deep breath and ran . I heard hundreds of shoes scratching against the tarred ground . I ran … . I could feel the breeze on my face … . I felt so light . I opened my eyes half way down the track expecting the other runners to be close to the finish line . What the hell … Where was everybody ? Where are the other runners ? I was still running and suddenly from somewhere in the crowd someone shouted , " Go Ryan , Go " . Everyone was screaming . While still running I turned back and saw the rest of the runner 's way behind . What on earth is going on ? Everybody started shouting my name . I don 't know how but suddenly I felt a gush of strength flowing into my body and I ran towards the finish line with every bit of strength I had in me . I crossed the finish line . Wow ! My P . Ed teacher shouted , " 11 seconds . A new record " . Wow ! Everybody surrounded me and was clapping , congratulating me and … . Wow ! I was out of breath , I was like … . Wow ! My P . Ed teacher then said out loud again , " All those who wish to go for 200 meters . Go to the starting line . " I went to the starting line with my head up , smiling . Everyone was like ; " You can do it , Ryan " . Heard the whistle and ran as if there were dogs chasing me . Half way again I noticed I was in the lead . Yeah ! I 'm the man now . Everybody was cheering . That maybe gave me more strength . I ran and crossed the finish line . The next day it was my annual sports week . When I reached school as usual the next day , it was so different . Guys who I never even heard of or seen before were all wishing me good luck . I think the whole school knows about me now . Someone told me my seniors are really nervous . My house captain saw me from a distance and he went on a full throttle and gave me a big hug and said , " The topaz ( yellow ) house is counting on you bro . " He then started shouting so loud , I guess even the school bell couldn 't ring that loud . He shouted at the other houses , boasting , " Hey , the road runner is here . You guys are dead . " He started laughing . The whole topaz house started shouting out my name . I never felt so lively . I felt I was somebody at last . The whole school came out to watch . The whole staffs were present to . The first race was the 100 meters . Here I go . I jogged to the starting line . There were a total of 10 runners going to run along with me . All of us with just one mission , that is reach the finish line before others could . I ran liked never before . Everybody was screaming . All of them started shouting , " Road Runner , Road Runner … " I broke my previous record . 10 . 98 seconds . I won a first prize . The other houses started getting really nervous . My house captain was shouting orders like mad . He suddenly felt he should encourage the house much more . We all started at same time . But at the turn I lost my grip a bit . I was so close to the guy in front of me . Well , I reached second place . The timing for me was 14 . 99 seconds and the guy who won first place got 14 . 97 seconds . No probs . Still my house was in the lead . The other activities like the long jump , disc throw and high jump went out well for the topaz house . The last race is yet to come . The 4 × 100 relay race . I heard the whistle . It has begun . The first two ran slow . But somehow the third runner made up . Damn , all the three teams got the baton and started running . I got the baton and ran full throttle towards the finish line . I passed the first house and did my best to pass the other two houses . I couldn 't . They were in the lead . Anyway we got the third place . They called my name three times to go on stage to get my certificates . I was declared one of the fastest runners in school . I got 1st place for 100 meters , 2nd place for 200 meters and 3rd place for 4 × 100 relay . After all the racket was over , I went out of the school and saw my mom waiting for me and for my dad to come . My mom saw me and smiled . She said , " Everybody in the staff room was talking about the way you ran today . " She was proud of me . We waited for my dad to come . He usually goes over to Girls section which in some other location and then he comes over to the Boys section to pick me and my mom . When my dad arrived , I saw my sisters smiling at me . When we got in the car , my sisters started chattering like monkeys . " Bro . we heard you are one of the fastest runners in school . Everybody in the girl 's section was talking about you . " I was surprised to hear how fast the news reached the girls section . Whatever , the girls were all talking about me . That 's more than enough . Hehe … I turned my head to the left to see my dad . I had a smile on his face . He was happy with me . He didn 't have to say that loud . I just knew it . The next day I was called to be on the football field everyday from 4pm to 6pm . My P . Ed teacher wanted all those who were selected to get ready for the nationals . During the practice I got a fatigue on my right leg and we had only 5 days left for us to go to Jubail for the nationals . I was really disappointed that I had to get this injury at this time . Damn . This slowed me down a lot . Five days went really fast and I was ready to go . The only one who uses the computer everyday is me , my mom and my dad . When my dad comes home from work he goes straight to the computer to check if he has got a mail from his manager . My mom uses the comp when she has to type a question paper for the students in her class . As for me I use the system for surfing the net , playing games , hearing music and watching movies . Nothing else … hey I 'm telling you the truth … OK fine … . I tried to open some porn sites before but in Saudi Arabia all the porn sites are blocked . So I never got the chance to see how a porn would look like till grade 10th . I saw the first porn movie in school when I was in grade 10th during camp day . I remember when I opened the class room door I saw all my friends around a table with a laptop on it . Their eyes where all out of their sockets and they were all drooling . Hmmmmm …… What could they be watching ? I went over and tried to peep over their heads to get a glimpse and then …… . . Hehe …… got high fever that night 🙂 My dad as usual came from work and went straight to the comp . , my mom was in the kitchen and me and my sisters were watching a movie on HBO . My dad suddenly called me and my mom to the bed room where the computer is and closed the door . He looked at me and said , " Son , You and I know very well who uses the computer the most . Could you please explain this to me " . A porn site was opened . My mom just started barking at my dad telling him why did he had to show it in front of her while I was there . While my dad and mom was arguing I tried to memorize the site name but couldn 't . My dad closed the page …… snif … . . The problem is when my dad opens the internet explorer , this porn site is the home page . My dad called a computer mechanic to change the home page . I would 've changed it . Well , I guess my dad didn 't trust me then . He even started asking all his colleagues at office if these porn sites get open if a new dvd writer is installed ( I bought a dvd writer before this incident ) . And the best part is my dad 's colleagues said , " Yes , absolutely " . Damn those idiots . Could have stuffed a camel in their mouth if I was present when they were telling that to my dad . My dad gave me a good advice to the mistake I didn 't make . Great ! Two years later I finished my grade 12th and got a seat in a digital media college in Chennai , India . I was at the airport with my family . Just another 20 mins for the me to get the boarding pass and rendezvous . My dad and mom called me aside and gave me a 10 min advice . Dad : All the sites are open in India . Don 't take that as an advantage . Use the internet for your study purposes . Maybe your friends will show you a porn site , k , watch , as a man i know you will be tempted to see one but don 't make that a habit . Went to college the day before yesterday and got good news … . THE COLLEGE IS CLOSED … . they said thats because of the rain . Whatever … . soon after that I went with Sujan to Hari 's place ( Besant Nagar ) . It was raining and I thought to my self what the hell I 'll stay over for the night and leave tomorrow . Me and Sujan left hari 's place the next day by 5 : 30 pm . We had tea from lovely bakers and we both went our separate ways . It took some time for the bus to come …… Can 't blame it …… . Maybe because of the rain ……… the roads if you notice it 's just like the moon … . full of craters … . 6D came at last …… . I thank God for that ( 6D goes directly to Kannagi Salai ) …… It was raining heavily and I asked the guy in front me if he could close the window . He did … . . God bless him … . . Yeah right … . as if … . he was showing off . It was boring and I tried to read the names of the shops but the window panes were all tinted and over that the rain hitting the windows … . It was so stuffy inside … . God it was so boring … . . It was so painful . At last Santhome . Just another stop and I reached Kannagi Salai . It was so quiet inside except for the rain hitting the roof . Suddenly everything went wrong . We all heard a huge sound scrapping the left side of the bus and the whole bus just started to shake . What ever hit the bus broke most of the windows on the left side . The bus just slanted on two wheels and fell back on its four with a huge jerk . All the ladies inside where screaming ( I don 't have to explain how a lady scream right ) . It was scary . The lady sitting next to me fell right on top of me and bloody hell when I saw her before the accident she looked like a woman I could carry with one hand … never judge a person with the way they look … . GOD ALMIGHTY … . she weighed a ton … . . People were screaming and shouting that the bus went over a person … . it was a complete chaos … . There were glass pieces on the seats . The bus stopped right in the middle of the road and everyone got out to see what hit the bus . A huge branch from a tree fell on the bus . Luckly no one was hurt . Most of the ladies had their hands on the chest and on their mouth and the men were all just staring at each other . I was so happy once I reached my room . I layed down on my bed and still couldnt get that scene out of my head . I was happy to be alive and thanked God for another chance . A little about meThis blog of mine is mostly about memories I wish to remember and cherish for a real long time . The posts in my blog are not completely just about me but experiences of others too . Some random posts contain weird stuffs but that 's just for fun I play on my friends . Email Subscription |
Nearly the entire floor was covered with our loot as my brother and I sorted our takings from the day 's Trick or Treating . The first step was to categorize everything : chocolates , sours , gummies , loose change , miscellany . The prep work facilitated the trading that would then occur . Jim didn 't really like things like Spree or Sweet Tarts . I didn 't want anything with nuts . He 'd get my Mr . Goodbars , I 'd get his Sour Patch Kids . Trades had to be fair and equitable . There was no way I was giving up a full size Reece 's Peanut Butter Cups pack that I didn 't even like unless I was getting the same amount of candy in return . For some reason on one particular Halloween , I ended up with an extraordinary amount of Brach 's Butterscotch hard candies . I loved them , but since I was only about 7 , my mother really didn 't like me eating them . I come from a long line of women overly concerned that their children will choke on hard candies . I knew I had plenty and figured no one would notice if I snuck one . I gingerly opened the wrapper , doing my best to cover up the crackling of the plastic . Jim was busy organizing his bounty by the order he 'd like to eat it , so he couldn 't care less what I was doing . I popped the candy into my mouth . It was sweet and buttery , just like I knew it would be . There was that hint of slime around the very hard part that let you know it was sitting on someone 's shelf a little too long . I swirled it around with my tongue , letting it knock into my teeth . Then I chomped down on it so my molars would dig in and get stuck , straining my jaw to release it . Over and over I did this , enjoying the taste as much as the getting away with sneaking the candy . The thing about getting away with it was key . We were allowed to select one piece of candy to eat before bed on Halloween , once my mother declared everything was safe . Getting to have two pieces when Jim only got one would mean that I was the ultimate victor . I sat there thinking about how much better than him I was . He wouldn 't dare sneak candy because he was afraid of our parents . But they didn 't scare me . " Hey , Jimmy ! " I called out . I was going to stick out my tongue and show him the butterscotch . I couldn 't wait to watch his face turn purple with anger and see him run off to tattle . He looked up from where he was sitting and I moved the candy to the front of my mouth . As I opened my mouth to speak though , the candy slid to the back of my tongue . I tried desperately to bring it forward but to no avail . It slipped down my throat . I panicked . I jumped up and grabbed my throat , trying to cough the yellow disc up . Jim didn 't know what was happening so he just went back to his sorting . " What 's going on in there ? " Mom called from the kitchen . I couldn 't answer . All I could do was cough . I couldn 't stop , but still nothing came up . My mother came running in to find me coughing , red in the face , flailing my arms about . She asked what I was choking on but before I could even attempt to answer she went off on a rant about how this is why we weren 't supposed to eat any candy . I showed her the butterscotch wrapper I had shoved in my pocket . She came back with a cup of warm water . She made me sit on the couch and drink . I could feel the hard lump in my throat . It hurt , but at least I had stopped coughing . More water was administered , until eventually the candy could be swallowed . " Mom , my stomach hurts , " I whined . Glancing over with a dirty look , the lecture started back up . All of it was true . And that 's when I realized that I had never gotten my authorized piece of candy . With all of the commotion and water consumption , I didn 't even notice Jim was chowing down on a Hershey 's bar . The glare I received in return made clear her stance on the matter . I sighed to show my disappointment and placed my water glass on the end table . I cleaned up my candy from the floor placing it back into my plastic pumpkin . I put my best pout on and endured more lecturing about how my disobedience meant that I didn 't get to have the few fun things she could give me in life . " Fine , " I said with a huff . I should have said I was sorry , but she was really starting to annoy me . " I have to go to the bathroom . " We 're coming to the end of the Pish Posh 8 - week Challenge . I 've had a lot of back sliding going on these past two weeks and I haven 't lost any weight . I haven 't been walking due to work and time constraints , but if I 'm being honest , those are just excuses . I 'm good at excuses . If there was an 8 - week challenge to make as many excuses as possible , I 'd probably do really well at that . One of the things Pish Posh talked about this week is her commitment to a vegetarian lifestyle and her love of animals . She writes for an animal rights group , which I think is wonderful . I admire her resolve to be kind to animals in every way she can . Part of the reason I admire it so much is because , while I truly in my heart of hearts believe that eating , testing on and otherwise using animals is wrong , I still eat them and wear leather and , well , I don 't know what else but I probably do it . I don 't test on them though . When I think about hurting animals because they are tasty , it makes me sick . Case in point , this post . I successfully was meat free ( but not dairy free ) for most of my pregnancy , but I started eating meat again when Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around when I was 8 - 9 months pregnant . After Nathan was born , meat was easy . I hadn 't practiced easy vegetarian cooking enough to have a routine and I fell back to old habits . Even now , when I wish I didn 't eat so much meat , I keep doing it . Did you read this post where I very briefly state that I know I should go vegan for my health at some point ? I have a list a mile long of excuses why I don 't . Someday . . . someday . . . See , I told you I was a wanna be . I have a lot of vegetarian intentions , it 's my execution that leaves much to be desired . Reminiscent of my work on this challenge , wouldn 't you say ? You might be wondering what my point is in all of this . My point is that we were challenged in this last week of the , ahem , challenge to have one vegan day . That means no meat , dairy , eggs . Nothing that comes from an animal at all . One day ? That 's easy . I was going to make it Monday when I 'd be at work most of the day and not have to worry about feeding other people most of the day . But with the storm that 's apparently coming this weekend , I don 't know what 's going to happen . If I lose power and have to eat everything we have quickly , I may not be able to be as picky . And in case anyone was really interested and was keeping track , I 'm barely holding steady at being down 10 pounds since labor day . I haven 't had alcohol since 9 / 4 and I was walking every day except the last two weeks so we can hardly call that every day anymore . I 'll try to post one last time about the challenge when it 's over with a final wrap up post . Thanks for reading along all these weeks . Nathan didn 't sleep in his own crib until he was 16 months old , and even then it was only for half the night . Eventually he stayed in his room until 2 or 3am . When we moved to our current home in June 2010 , he started staying in his own room all night , which means until somewhere between 5 and 6am . Bedtime used to be a nightmare . It took me years , years , to get him to fall asleep within in a few minutes and stay asleep for most of the night . I do this by standing with him . Sometimes I hold his hand . I am fully aware that this sets the stage for sleep issues and I 'm not doing him any favors . I understand that I 'm not solving the problem long term . But did you read his sleep history ? I 'm tired . It 's been a long almost 6 years of messed up sleep and the pregnancy was no prize either so really I haven 't had consistent good sleep since May of 2006 . You 'll forgive me for aiding and abetting . I took this picture , no flash , sitting on my couch . It was brighter when he was up because the TV was on . But he made me turn the dining room light on because it was too dark . Exhibit B : Don 't let his happy face fool you . He was afraid to come into this room while I was in another . Again , no flash here , folks . Also , see that round , gray thing on his far wall ? That 's a Moon In My Room . That lights up like a full moon and it , along with the light on his fish tank , a battery operated fake candle , a nightlight that projects SpongeBob 's face on the ceiling , a spinning disco light and the hall light ( that light from the doorway ) all stay on until he 's asleep . And he 's complaining it 's too dark . I could read in there it 's so bright for crying out loud . When he falls asleep I turn off the hall light . The last few nights it 's been back on by 1am . Again , I know I 'm not doing anything to stop his behavior , but I really just want us all to go to sleep . He told me he 's afraid of the darkness outside the windows so I close the blinds . Other than that , he can 't name his fear or expand upon it . I 'm at my wit 's end . I can 't leave him in a fully lit room to do something else or else he 's freaking out . When ( not if ) he wakes up in the night he 's afraid and can 't go back to sleep . On the one hand , I feel badly that he 's so scared . I hate that . On the other hand , come on . He is afraid in rooms that practically have flood lights in them simply because it 's night . My parents ' approach for me was to shut up , suck it up and grow up . It 's dark , get over it . I don 't want to take that approach with my son . I am , however , losing patience rapidly . Anyone care to weigh in on this one ? Normal developmental milestone ? Turn on all the lights ? Turn off all the lights until he 's desensitized ? ( I 'm not serious about that last one . ) I was out on a date with my not - yet - husband to see Bob Mould at Irving Plaza in Manhattan . We were really excited for the show since the venue was perfect for getting right up front by the stage . We stood outside until the doors opened , having arrived early since the show was standing room only . Once inside though , something inside of me went terribly wrong . My shoulders and arms began to ache and my knees felt week . I could feel my eyeballs start to sweat as chills raced down my spine . I made a detour to the ladies room and it was all downhill from there . When I finally emerged after what felt like an eternity , my not - yet - husband was quite concerned . I told him we needed to leave but I couldn 't explain why . I couldn 't see 2 inches in front of me and I had suddenly gotten the worst migraine of my life . My stomach , now completely empty , continued to cramp and cause me to double over . I was shaking , burning up and freezing at the same time . I thought I was dying , but I couldn 't fathom the idea of finding an emergency room . I just wanted to get home . I stayed in bed for days . Every time I ate I got sick . Every time I set foot outside , I was so afraid I 'd get sick that I would go right back home . I made it to a doctor who couldn 't tell me what was wrong . He was convinced I had been drunk or pregnant and gave me an antibiotic that clearly wasn 't going to help my condition . I went back to work , but wouldn 't engage in any social activities . When I finally felt well enough to get back to my therapist , she asked why I hadn 't come to see her sooner . She was certain I 'd had my first panic attack and without any treatment I was having smaller ones ever since . I was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication . I stayed on the medicine for months , but it never really solved my problem . Therapy was great , but not much help when I was out in the world and about to melt down . Someone suggested aromatherapy . I learned that citrus smells , particularly lemon , can be helpful when battling anxiety . I purchased a small tube with lemon essential oil that I carried with me everywhere I went . When I started feeling anxious , I 'd grab my tube and concentrate on the smell of lemons . The deep breathing helped me relax and the feelings would pass . For years I carried around that tube of lemon oil . I learned to apply it to tissues , so when I was out at a client I could pretend I had frequent allergy attacks . It was in my purse at my wedding and all through out the process of planning the wedding . It was with me for the mundane activities that seemed to cause me great stress such as trying new restaurants , going out with friends and grocery shopping . I stayed out of New York City as much as possible , as I was not looking forward to revisiting the scene of the crime . But one night , an event came up and I had no excuse not to go . Being afraid of going out didn 't seem rational or like something I wanted to explain . And with my terrible luck , that also happened to be the night I forgot my lemon tube . We ventured down into the subway . Between the noise , the heat and the smell I was certain my next big panic attack was imminent . I took deep breaths , but not too deep because it was a NYC subway after all . I kept breathing and before I knew it , we were back off the train and heading back up to the street level . I managed to make it to the venue in one piece , but after sitting down in the crowded audience , my anxiety flared once again . My shoulders and chest started collapsing , my legs went dead and my stomach turned over on itself . I couldn 't get out of that room quickly and I couldn 't sit there . It was starting to seem like I was never going to be able to leave the house again . It worked . I calmed down . I ended up enjoying the show , stand up comedy . Laughing all night , I forgot to feel terrible and be afraid . I don 't carry the tube anymore . It dried up and I never bought a new one . Whenever things get crazy , a room gets too full or I don 't know what to expect , I think about lemons . I think of their crisp smell , their sweetness and tanginess . I think about taking a deep breath , inhaling the aroma and feeling it pass through my nose and straight to my brain . My pulse slows , my stomach stops churning and my arms and legs don 't feel so numb . The dizziness subsides and I can make it through a few more minutes . This weekend I have plans to meet friends at a bar for someone 's birthday . Our friends ' band will be playing . I 've been to this bar to see this band before . I don 't have a sitter lined up yet . I don 't know what time we 're going or what we 'll eat for dinner before hand . What if there 's no where to sit ? What if we get there too early ? Or too late ? What if there are too many people I don 't know ? The deserted road led to The Clearing . Everyone knew what you went to The Clearing to do and when they got there , Richie only had one thing on his mind . Janet had suggested they go for coffee instead , or that he drive her home . " Let 's not go to The Clearing , " Janet said . " I 'm not ready for that . I don 't want you to get your , um , hopes up . " She giggled nervously . Richie looked over at her from the driver 's seat and laughed . He only laughed ; he said nothing . Once in The Clearing , he put the car in park and turned towards Janet . She could feel his icy stare boring holes into her own . She knew what he wanted . It 's what they all wanted . He leaned in to kiss her and she let him . He reached up to cup her breasts , rubbing and smooshing them with his large hands , and she let him . He put his hand on her thigh and squeezed . She let him . He slid his hand up , up into her skirt and tried to move her panties out of his way and that was when she stopped him . " You went too far already . I told you no . I told you I didn 't want this . I told you not to come here . Take me home . " Janet was fighting back tears as she smoothed out her skirt and adjusted her top . " No . You knew what kind of guy I was when you agreed to go out with me . You know you want it and you 're just being a tease . " He was right about one thing , she did know what kind of guy he was when she started dating him . But she ignored everyone 's advice until now . Knowing what she did of his past , she knew it was best to follow his order . She picked up her purse from the floor of the car and got out . As soon as the door was closed , he took off , leaving Janet standing in the middle of The Clearing . After a quick look around , she saw that neither of the other two parked cars belonged to friends . The walk down to the main road was only a few miles , so she set off . There was a phone at the gas station right before the turn off to The Clearing . She knew her father would be furious with her , but he would still come to get her . It was only October , but the trees were bare already . It had been cold , as if something strange was in the air . Janet heard the caw of a vulture and looked up to find one circling overhead . She wished she had worn a warmer coat or shoes made for walking . She wished it didn 't look so much like the kind of night where terrible things happen to girls walking alone on dirt roads . A car approached . At first it looked like Richie 's , but the closer it got , Janet knew it wasn 't him . It pulled up ahead of her . Having no where else to go , she walked towards it . Janet looked behind her and in front of her . She was still nowhere near the main road and the night was getting darker . She pulled up the handle on the car door but wouldn 't budge . Tucking her shoes under her arm , she used the force of two hands to wrangle it open . There was no interior light . The car smelled of old clothes and rotting food . Janet slid in anyway and pulled the door closed behind her , trying to be graceful so as not to offend . The car started rolling , but the driver said nothing . They sat in dark silence all the way to Murray 's Gas Station . Janet jumped out , said a quick , yet sincere , thank you and ran towards the phone booth . The car didn 't move . She pushed her way in , deposited a coin and called home . Her father answered , his disapproval evident in his voice . " Daddy , please come get me . I 'm at Murray 's and I 'm scared . " Before she could hear his reply , the line went dead . She could feel something watching her . Turning slowly , she noticed the couple from the car , leering at her and smiling in a most unfriendly way . A bright red glow emitted from their eye sockets . The man began to push open the door and suddenly everything went black . I 'm trying another fiction post over at The Speakeasy . Please do come join us . For the record , the red - eyed people are real . I was just one of the lucky ones . After two weeks of sad - sack woe is me posts , I realized I needed a break . My body needed a break , my brain needed a break . I kept doing well with my breakfasts and lunches , but my dinners were awful ( well , tasty . and bad for me ) . I did not walk at all . I did not track my calories . I 'm sure they were through the roof . I didn 't have any alcohol . So that 's 2 of 3 goals that I stuck to . I had planned to take off from the challenge between 10 / 19 - 10 / 21 to celebrate my anniversary . We were going to go away , but we ended up not . We did still ship the kid over to his grandparents because , lets face it , that 's still kind of a vacation . I think in the last 24 hours I have eaten as much as I have over the last 11 years of marriage and I still have 24 more hours to go so I should weigh 4 , 893 pounds by Sunday . If I 'm lucky . This is short and sweet this week . I 'm going for a spa day today with my lovely husband , then we 're having Indian food tonight . The order of events was a conscious decision , you are very welcome , Spa Workers . I 've done a considerable amount of sitting on my ass watching things since yesterday and intend to continue doing that . In fact , I 'm going to go have a bowl of mashed potatoes for breakfast and get back to catching up on Children 's Hospital . My parents never got up in the morning , so my brother and I were always on our own . Mom was always tired , Dad was always hungover . The rules were simple : Play quietly . Don 't use knives or the stove to make breakfast . Don 't wake them up . My brother and I shared a tiny bedroom that didn 't even have enough room for two twin sized beds . His bed was a " youth " size and mine was essentially a toy chest custom built by my father with my crib mattress thrown on top . We had a small dresser to share and one of those chests of drawers made out of cardboard that were all the rage in the dime stores of the 80s . My mother couldn 't stand to sleep in a room with my father because of her immense dislike for the man . She chose instead to sleep on the living room loveseat . My father , ever intent on tormenting her , took up sleeping on the large couch . This rendered the living room , the only room truly large enough for two children to play in , completely useless to us . Their bedroom , though vacant , was off limits . We were forced to play in the upstairs hallway just outside of our room . One Sunday morning , I was 5 and my brother 7 , we were playing one of our make - believe games . The exact details are sketchy some thirty years later , but since the games were always more or less the same , I can offer the gist . All of our dolls and stuffed animals were involved , each with its own unique personality and back story . There had been weddings and divorces , some of them were related and others were just friends . Our relationship to this crew was never quite clear . We could have been their parents or their human overlords , but more likely than not , we simply interacted with them the way the people interacted with the muppets on The Muppet Show . Everyone knew who was human and who wasn 't , yet the mostly harmonious relationships were never regarded as odd . Much of the morning had gone by without us waking our parents . No fights had broken out , physical or verbal , and we hadn 't grown bored of each other 's company . We felt triumphant and confident that our morning would be a success . But our success was to be short lived . I 'm also linking up with the Challenge Grid this week , because I enjoy overextending myself . Please click through and read the work of other writers on the grid . Also check out the the speakeasy where my fiction piece is hanging out with the other pieces of fiction . Mary replaced the handset , inched her way back to the armchair and took back up with her knitting . She 'd been working on the same afghan , night after night , for as long as she could remember . It was longer than any person could need and more than any sofa could hold . Some was on her lap as she worked , but the bulk of it was heaped on the floor in a pile next to her little basket of needles and yarn . She kept her eyes fixed on her project , glancing up only occasionally at the clock . Behind her , the floor lamp gave off the only light , illuminating the chair and very little else . Mary rose slowly , her joints cracking as she straightened her frail body . She set her knitting aside on her seat and walked over to the desk on the opposite wall . She pulled the chain on the lamp with her right hand , reaching for the phone with her left . She raised the handset to her ear and cleared her throat . " Meet me outside . " This time the caller did not hang up . Mary could hear breathing and the chirping of crickets and the wind rustling through the trees . " Who is this ? " Click . She put the phone back once again and turned off the light . She shuffled back to the chair , eased her weight down and resumed her knitting . Several moments passed before the phone rang once again . She rose and returned to the desk , repeating all of the same motions just as she had hundreds if not thousands of times before . Mary padded to the front door and flipped on the porch light switch . The door opened quickly with the force of the autumn winds . Mary 's white nightgown flowed and swirled about her ankles , her feet feeling the chill in the air through her old slippers . There was still only the sound of crickets and wind . Mary returned to the house , turned off the porch light , turned off the desk lamp and sat back in her armchair to resume knitting . She only completed a few more rows of the burnt orange blanket when the phone rang again . Mary knew it was Katie . It was always Katie and Mary never asked on the fourth call . Mary set the phone down on the desk , the cord tightening and twisting back up on its own . She headed back to the door and flipped on the light . She held tight to the door as she opened it , expecting the wind this time . She stepped out onto the porch , wrapping her arms around her chest to protect herself from the chill . She looked around , pushing her hair out of her mouth where the wind had blown it . " Katie ? " she called out , knowing she 'd get no reply . Katie was out there , but Mary didn 't know where she would find her . She shuffled down the steps , squinting to see beyond the reach of the porch light . Scanning the ground , she finally saw the blood . Several smaller drops at first , growing larger as Mary followed them . She ventured farther from the house and into the night . She stopped when she found her daughter . Katie knelt on the ground , clasping the long chef 's knife that was covered in John 's blood . Her brother 's body was splayed out before her , his torn shirt soaked crimson . When she heard her mother approach , she looked up from the body to reveal her bloodied , tear - stained face . " I 'm sorry , Mom , " the teen said through her tears . She heaved the knife in the air and thrust it into her own chest . She collapsed onto her brother , pushing the knife in deeper . Her body rolled off onto her back as she choked on her own blood and the final breaths of life escaped her . I 'm giving fiction a try over at the Speakeasy this week . Please click through and read other works of fiction and poetry . Don 't forget my friends on the Challenge grid either ! Imagine I asked you to do me a favor and you agreed . I requested that you go to the store and pick up some half - and - half for my coffee and you returned with a cup of milk you borrowed from the neighbor . How am I supposed to react to that ? You agreed to the request and then you then did what you felt like doing which wasn 't what I asked of you nor was it what you agreed to . Let 's run through the possible outcomes here : 1 . I suck it up and drink my coffee that now tastes like crap . I resent you because if you had just done what I had asked and you agreed to , I would be happy . Now I 'm not and it 's your fault . 2 . I could tell you that you didn 't do what I asked . You could give me attitude , tell me it 's good enough and that I 'm too demanding . Again , I feel terrible because you 've pointed out one of my flaws ( holding people to standards ) and you 're upset with me . Even if you don 't give me attitude and you simply go back out to the store , I feel guilty for pointing out what you did incorrectly . All my life I 've been a people pleaser . If roles were reversed , I 'd have asked you what brand you like , the level of fat you 'd like in your half and half and if your first choice is not available what your back up is . This way , you see that I tried my hardest to make your coffee experience as pleasurable as possible . If your coffee sucks , it 's not my fault . I did what I could . I know this is insane , by the way . However , if you came back to me with ANY half and half , I 'd be happy . Milk is not half and half , therefore I am unhappy . And if you give me attitude and imply that I should be happy as both are dairy products that will , in fact , lighten my coffee , I will be further annoyed . My standards are not as high as everyone thinks - I simply think that in very many cases , there is a right way to do something and a wrong way . Milk does not equal half and half . This is a black and white case . The problem here is why can 't people just do what they are asked and what they agreed to ? I hired someone to grout my shower . He did , except for one spot where he didn 't . Now I am waiting for him to come back ( on a Saturday no less , when we had to rush our showers because it will not be unusable for the rest of the day ) and do his job correctly . Someone asked me for my opinion on a separate matter . I said that I thought the solution to the problem could potentially be found in a particular place and should be sought in that location . That person did not seek the solution and then I was called into the matter again by another person only to have to repeat myself . And when I said I didn 't want to continue discussing until the research was done , I was given attitude and it was implied that I was in the wrong . Whenever I ask my kid to do something that he is 100 % capable of doing , he does the bare minimum coming close to what I asked but not quite there . Then when I tell him he didn 't do what I asked , he gets upset that I 'm displeased with him . In all three scenarios , the end result is the same . I feel like a shit - heel for expressing displeasure that someone did not do what was expected . I feel guilty . I have been told I 'm too demanding and that I expect too much of others . I have been told I 'm a bitch . I have been told that I 'm mean . I often end up doing things myself and then resenting the person who should be doing it in the first place . I don 't think that telling someone they didn 't do what you asked them to do is wrong . I don 't yell or scream . I have been known to use my so - calm - it 's - scary voice , the one that you can never prove I said anything wrong or used a threatening tone or anything like that , but you know that I am done screwing around . I do throw tantrums now and again , that is true , but usually that 's when my first 12 attempts to get something done fail . It 's week 6 of the challenge . The topic this week is punching fear in the face . What am I afraid of ? Here 's a brief list : My ankle won 't stop hurting if I don 't take care of it and I can take a break and I won 't gain back all the weight . I can also buy new shoes like I 've been threatening to do for weeks and that will help . But it requires being proactive rather than complaining . There will always be people who don 't like me , that 's their problem . I don 't have to please everyone and I don 't have to do every thing myself . I can stick to my standards without being a bitch . I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be miserable . My kid will someday sleep and someday I will too . I won 't be this tired forever . I can find time to write if I want to make the time . Insurance and benefits was a safe choice career . It doesn 't have to be permanent but it does have to be for now . I 'm 36 , not 86 . This isn 't it for me . I guess my biggest fear of all is that when I get in this mood it 's not going to go away . That 's never happened before . I 'll stop being in a rancid mood . People won 't bother me so much . My patience will return . I can get back to normal . Until it passes though , it 's such a chore to make healthy choices . It 's exhausting . I have to keep going . The funk will pass . I don 't really have the energy to punch fear in the face , but I 'll give it dagger eyes and hope it gets the point . On to Week 7 . But first , I 've been doing my 20 minutes 6 - 7 days per week . I haven 't purchased breakfast or lunch or had any alcohol . Starting weight : 162 . 8 We were three young ladies , P , K and I , walking in the dark on a Saturday night . To be more accurate , it was Sunday morning already . We had made walks such as this countless times before . Teenagers tend to feel immortal , but not us . We were goth before kids were called goth . We knew evil was out there . There was darkness around us that we could feel , even if we couldn 't explain it . In spite of all of this , we were not afraid . In the wee hours of the morning , we made our way , discussing all of the things we were interested in that could set a mind wandering in some unlikely places . We weren 't exactly looking for trouble , but none of us would have been disappointed in an event that furthered our beliefs about life beyond ours , parallel worlds and strange happenings . It is that frame of mind , after all , that we felt strongly was necessary to allow us see these odd occurrences . We were open to the experiences . We welcomed them . We rounded the corner to a bridge that connected the town we were in to the town we were headed to . Abandoned railroad tracks were below and a veritable forest grew from either side of them . The trees grew so high , in fact , that they went up and over the edges of the overpass . There was a sidewalk on only one side and guardrails protecting a pedestrian from both falling down on to the tracks but also from the road itself . The lack of maintenance and landscaping , however , meant the protections were for naught and a pedestrian was forced to walk in the street . To make matters worse , there were no street lights over the bridge , only some on each street at either end . Once in the middle , there was only the moonlight to guide you . We walked past a car parked on the opposite side of the street facing the same direction we were headed . It was parked directly on the corner , illegally , a man sitting in the driver 's seat . We wondered why this person was sitting there , motionless in the shadows of night , with the car not running and no lights on . We decided that three young ladies such as ourselves , out at such an hour , should make it a point to keep walking . We plodded up the hill that lead to the foot of bridge . In our hurry , we had stopped chatting to focus on getting to a residential area on the other side . Our footsteps echoed . The wind rustled the trees ahead . Otherwise , the night was still . I glanced over my shoulder and my friends did the same . In that instant , and impossibly so , the car 's high beams flashed on and the engine started at the same time . The car began to pull up the hill , slowly at first . The headlights flooded the darkness to reveal just how overgrown the foliage was in front of us . There was no way we could make passage on the sidewalk . We looked back again and the car was no longer simply driving across the bridge . Rather , the driver had the car pointed straight towards us , just as we were forced into the road without the implied safety of the guardrail . We ran like our lives depended on it . As far as we were concerned , they did . The car approached at an unsettling rate . When we reached the area where we could get to the sidewalk , we were pushing and pulling each other off the road . It was as though we had become one mass , one force striving to keep each other from harm . Huddled and shaking , we turned toward the vehicle . All at once , the driver straightened out and began to drive normally as though nothing ever happened . We were out of danger , but not before we got a good look at the figure driving . He was shadowy , almost gray . His extremely curly hair was cut short . His smile revealed brilliant white teeth , sharply contrasted against the darkness around him . His eyes , though , his eyes were not eyes at all . Deep in the cavity of his skull glowed a burning red light . To this day , we all stick to our story . We know what we saw . Though no one believes us , chalking the sighting up to a misunderstanding or overactive imaginations , we remain certain that some sort of evil spirit , for reasons unbeknownst to us , tried to murder us on the Montross Avenue Bridge . Let me start out by saying that I was not emotionally equipped to handle the nonsense of this week . I 'll be blunt : I started my period this week . I was a hormonal wreck and I didn 't feel well . I have been exhausted . I had a migraine and cramps and absolutely zero patience . Monday and Tuesday are my long days at work which means I get an hour lunch which means those are my long walk days . Except for this week apparently . On Monday at lunch while walking the track with a coworker , the school nurse called . We decided to not start another lap while I called her back : My son was hit in the face with a rock while playing . But it was no big deal ( ! ) and she just let me know just in case . So , crisis averted . No . Because while on a call at 3 : 20 with a very upset client ( ugh ) my mother in law who picked up Nathan from school was texting and calling like crazy . When I called her back , Nathan was screaming in the background that his ear hurt . So I left work early to take him to the doctor where he was diagnosed with " a whopper " of an ear infection . Tuesday Nathan stayed home with his grandparents and I went to work . But he wasn 't quite well . It was raining , so I had to do my walk in the basement of my office . It wasn 't fun . I sent him to school on Wednesday , in spite of some tummy distress from his antibiotics and at 11 : 30 , while on a conference call with my boss ( who didn 't know I ducked out and was still talking to me ) and a client ( who presumably didn 't care that I ducked out ) and several others , I got a ( nother ) call from the school nurse , this time urging me to come on down with a new set of clothes . Enough said . More work piling up , more sick kid . No walk for Michelle . Thursday the work continued to pile and I continued to worry about another phone call from school . I sent extra clothes , but that wouldn 't get me out of picking him up if he was sick again . We got through the day , but there was a mountain of homework that a grouchy , still not feeling well kid needed to catch up on and his fully menstrual mother needed to help him with . My living room was a very unpleasant place . Friday , I took a mental health day from work . I was going to spend the morning writing and then pick up my kid at 12 : 30 for his half day . There would be errands to run and stuff to do . As I was eating breakfast , I noticed water had been leaking out of the shower and down my kitchen wall . So less writing and more calling repair professionals . I moved the drop ceiling to investigate and bits of the actual ceiling above fell on my head and into my bra . By 10 : 00 my nerves were shot . I did stuff my face with pizza and salad on Sunday , with just pizza on Thursday and with Burger King on Friday . I did throw in 20 minutes of exercise every day , mostly kitchen jogs . No alcohol still since 9 / 4 . I didn 't get to add in weights this week , but I 'll work on that next week . I didn 't eat take out for breakfast or lunch , but dinner . . . Oh dinner . . . Today : 153 . And yes , I 'm shaking my fist at the sky that I couldn 't lose that one more . 2 lb to get to an even 10 pounds lost . That is just the sort of kick in the pants that this week needed to end on . So there you have it . A rambly , ranty , diatribe on my shit week . I did well considering and I 'm going to cut myself some slack . But not so much slack because that BK yesterday was inexcusable ( but really , really salty and delicious ) and that can 't happen again . And two pizzas in one week wasn 't a wise move either . Lest I sound like a bitter , cranky , miserable woman , there WAS good stuff this week . 9 . 8 pounds is nothing to sneeze at and that post I " cranked out " earned an Editor 's Pick . Hormones make me whine and cry and not look for solutions . I feel better today . I 'll start looking for solutions today . Now I need to catch up on all the other Challenge participants blogs . I 'll get to it . I promise . You should go read everyone 's too . I know all of us can use the support ! I fashioned a headband out of a bandanna and pushed my curls off my face to adhere , as much as I was willing to anyway , to proper food safety standards . I put my foot up on a chair to tie my shoe and headed up front to start working . On my way , I nearly ran into him in the narrow corridor by the walk - in freezer . " Hey . You 're on today ? " he said . Of course he knew I 'd be coming in . Everyone checked the schedule first thing because a good crew would make or break a shift . Maybe I was supposed to think he didn 't care that I was there . Every time we worked together lately , this was our dance . Rumor had it he had a crush on me . I had a boyfriend and wasn 't interested . I maintained that I was doing nothing to encourage his flirting , but at the same time I knew I was doing nothing to discourage it either . It was fun and he knew the situation . All afternoon the squabbling and banter continued . There seemed to always be a reason for him to brush up against me or full on knock me out of his way . Every little girl knows that boys push you and pull your hair when they like you and just because he was 16 , that didn 't mean he had grown out of this style of flirtation . And just because I was 18 , that didn 't mean I wasn 't going to react . I always pushed back , shouted at him or threw something , just let him know his actions had not gone unnoticed . It was all part of the game . At some point , I 'd had enough nonsense . It was time to get ready for the full shift change and I was growing weary of his antics . I tried to yell at him playfully but my intentionally light tone didn 't do enough to hide my annoyance . I had upset him and felt badly about it . He stomped off to the back to sulk and I followed . " Good . You feel bad . That 's what you get . You 're always so mean to me . " He was so proud of himself for getting me to beg for his attention . I was furious . How dare he make me look foolish ? " I 'm mean to you ? ! If I 'm mean to you , it 's only because you 're an asshole , always knocking into me or being obnoxious . You totally deserve it ! " He swung a wet , soapy dishrag in my direction and it was on . I tried to protect myself from the rag while simultaneously wrestle it away from him . He was much stronger than I was , so he always had the upper hand . I grabbed one end of the rag so he couldn 't whip it at me anymore , but he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it hard so I had to let go . I screamed in pain and tried to punch him . It was the kind of altercation that started as fun but was beginning to get out of hand . The roughhousing continued . I tripped over a chair behind me and fell back against the upright freezer . We were still attacking one another and he fell towards me . He put his hands up to stop himself from crushing me , one on either side of my head . Time stopped . We were both breathing heavily . My heart was racing , no doubt from the struggle . He probably thought it was for him . He was smiling and staring at me intensely . I looked back at his blue eyes . He was so close . I should have pushed him off of me but I just stood there , arms frozen at my sides . The sound of footsteps interrupted the silence between us and caused us to break our stare . We bounced away from one another . He went to put the dishrag in the sink . As I breezed past my other coworker , I noticed her confused expression . I looked up at the clock . " It 's 6 . Shouldn 't you leave ? " I asked him . I was walking back up front before I even finished my sentence . Why would he do that ? Why would he get that close ? I hopped up on the front freezer and sat there , the cold metal against my thighs , watching the traffic drive by me . I 'm linking up with Yeah Write 's Challenge Grid . There are more changes going on over there , so please click through , read the work of other talented writers and see what we 're all about . Join us , we 'd love to have you ! |
Nearly the entire floor was covered with our loot as my brother and I sorted our takings from the day 's Trick or Treating . The first step was to categorize everything : chocolates , sours , gummies , loose change , miscellany . The prep work facilitated the trading that would then occur . Jim didn 't really like things like Spree or Sweet Tarts . I didn 't want anything with nuts . He 'd get my Mr . Goodbars , I 'd get his Sour Patch Kids . Trades had to be fair and equitable . There was no way I was giving up a full size Reece 's Peanut Butter Cups pack that I didn 't even like unless I was getting the same amount of candy in return . For some reason on one particular Halloween , I ended up with an extraordinary amount of Brach 's Butterscotch hard candies . I loved them , but since I was only about 7 , my mother really didn 't like me eating them . I come from a long line of women overly concerned that their children will choke on hard candies . I knew I had plenty and figured no one would notice if I snuck one . I gingerly opened the wrapper , doing my best to cover up the crackling of the plastic . Jim was busy organizing his bounty by the order he 'd like to eat it , so he couldn 't care less what I was doing . I popped the candy into my mouth . It was sweet and buttery , just like I knew it would be . There was that hint of slime around the very hard part that let you know it was sitting on someone 's shelf a little too long . I swirled it around with my tongue , letting it knock into my teeth . Then I chomped down on it so my molars would dig in and get stuck , straining my jaw to release it . Over and over I did this , enjoying the taste as much as the getting away with sneaking the candy . The thing about getting away with it was key . We were allowed to select one piece of candy to eat before bed on Halloween , once my mother declared everything was safe . Getting to have two pieces when Jim only got one would mean that I was the ultimate victor . I sat there thinking about how much better than him I was . He wouldn 't dare sneak candy because he was afraid of our parents . But they didn 't scare me . " Hey , Jimmy ! " I called out . I was going to stick out my tongue and show him the butterscotch . I couldn 't wait to watch his face turn purple with anger and see him run off to tattle . He looked up from where he was sitting and I moved the candy to the front of my mouth . As I opened my mouth to speak though , the candy slid to the back of my tongue . I tried desperately to bring it forward but to no avail . It slipped down my throat . I panicked . I jumped up and grabbed my throat , trying to cough the yellow disc up . Jim didn 't know what was happening so he just went back to his sorting . " What 's going on in there ? " Mom called from the kitchen . I couldn 't answer . All I could do was cough . I couldn 't stop , but still nothing came up . My mother came running in to find me coughing , red in the face , flailing my arms about . She asked what I was choking on but before I could even attempt to answer she went off on a rant about how this is why we weren 't supposed to eat any candy . I showed her the butterscotch wrapper I had shoved in my pocket . She came back with a cup of warm water . She made me sit on the couch and drink . I could feel the hard lump in my throat . It hurt , but at least I had stopped coughing . More water was administered , until eventually the candy could be swallowed . " Mom , my stomach hurts , " I whined . Glancing over with a dirty look , the lecture started back up . All of it was true . And that 's when I realized that I had never gotten my authorized piece of candy . With all of the commotion and water consumption , I didn 't even notice Jim was chowing down on a Hershey 's bar . The glare I received in return made clear her stance on the matter . I sighed to show my disappointment and placed my water glass on the end table . I cleaned up my candy from the floor placing it back into my plastic pumpkin . I put my best pout on and endured more lecturing about how my disobedience meant that I didn 't get to have the few fun things she could give me in life . " Fine , " I said with a huff . I should have said I was sorry , but she was really starting to annoy me . " I have to go to the bathroom . " We 're coming to the end of the Pish Posh 8 - week Challenge . I 've had a lot of back sliding going on these past two weeks and I haven 't lost any weight . I haven 't been walking due to work and time constraints , but if I 'm being honest , those are just excuses . I 'm good at excuses . If there was an 8 - week challenge to make as many excuses as possible , I 'd probably do really well at that . One of the things Pish Posh talked about this week is her commitment to a vegetarian lifestyle and her love of animals . She writes for an animal rights group , which I think is wonderful . I admire her resolve to be kind to animals in every way she can . Part of the reason I admire it so much is because , while I truly in my heart of hearts believe that eating , testing on and otherwise using animals is wrong , I still eat them and wear leather and , well , I don 't know what else but I probably do it . I don 't test on them though . When I think about hurting animals because they are tasty , it makes me sick . Case in point , this post . I successfully was meat free ( but not dairy free ) for most of my pregnancy , but I started eating meat again when Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around when I was 8 - 9 months pregnant . After Nathan was born , meat was easy . I hadn 't practiced easy vegetarian cooking enough to have a routine and I fell back to old habits . Even now , when I wish I didn 't eat so much meat , I keep doing it . Did you read this post where I very briefly state that I know I should go vegan for my health at some point ? I have a list a mile long of excuses why I don 't . Someday . . . someday . . . See , I told you I was a wanna be . I have a lot of vegetarian intentions , it 's my execution that leaves much to be desired . Reminiscent of my work on this challenge , wouldn 't you say ? You might be wondering what my point is in all of this . My point is that we were challenged in this last week of the , ahem , challenge to have one vegan day . That means no meat , dairy , eggs . Nothing that comes from an animal at all . One day ? That 's easy . I was going to make it Monday when I 'd be at work most of the day and not have to worry about feeding other people most of the day . But with the storm that 's apparently coming this weekend , I don 't know what 's going to happen . If I lose power and have to eat everything we have quickly , I may not be able to be as picky . And in case anyone was really interested and was keeping track , I 'm barely holding steady at being down 10 pounds since labor day . I haven 't had alcohol since 9 / 4 and I was walking every day except the last two weeks so we can hardly call that every day anymore . I 'll try to post one last time about the challenge when it 's over with a final wrap up post . Thanks for reading along all these weeks . Nathan didn 't sleep in his own crib until he was 16 months old , and even then it was only for half the night . Eventually he stayed in his room until 2 or 3am . When we moved to our current home in June 2010 , he started staying in his own room all night , which means until somewhere between 5 and 6am . Bedtime used to be a nightmare . It took me years , years , to get him to fall asleep within in a few minutes and stay asleep for most of the night . I do this by standing with him . Sometimes I hold his hand . I am fully aware that this sets the stage for sleep issues and I 'm not doing him any favors . I understand that I 'm not solving the problem long term . But did you read his sleep history ? I 'm tired . It 's been a long almost 6 years of messed up sleep and the pregnancy was no prize either so really I haven 't had consistent good sleep since May of 2006 . You 'll forgive me for aiding and abetting . I took this picture , no flash , sitting on my couch . It was brighter when he was up because the TV was on . But he made me turn the dining room light on because it was too dark . Exhibit B : Don 't let his happy face fool you . He was afraid to come into this room while I was in another . Again , no flash here , folks . Also , see that round , gray thing on his far wall ? That 's a Moon In My Room . That lights up like a full moon and it , along with the light on his fish tank , a battery operated fake candle , a nightlight that projects SpongeBob 's face on the ceiling , a spinning disco light and the hall light ( that light from the doorway ) all stay on until he 's asleep . And he 's complaining it 's too dark . I could read in there it 's so bright for crying out loud . When he falls asleep I turn off the hall light . The last few nights it 's been back on by 1am . Again , I know I 'm not doing anything to stop his behavior , but I really just want us all to go to sleep . He told me he 's afraid of the darkness outside the windows so I close the blinds . Other than that , he can 't name his fear or expand upon it . I 'm at my wit 's end . I can 't leave him in a fully lit room to do something else or else he 's freaking out . When ( not if ) he wakes up in the night he 's afraid and can 't go back to sleep . On the one hand , I feel badly that he 's so scared . I hate that . On the other hand , come on . He is afraid in rooms that practically have flood lights in them simply because it 's night . My parents ' approach for me was to shut up , suck it up and grow up . It 's dark , get over it . I don 't want to take that approach with my son . I am , however , losing patience rapidly . Anyone care to weigh in on this one ? Normal developmental milestone ? Turn on all the lights ? Turn off all the lights until he 's desensitized ? ( I 'm not serious about that last one . ) I was out on a date with my not - yet - husband to see Bob Mould at Irving Plaza in Manhattan . We were really excited for the show since the venue was perfect for getting right up front by the stage . We stood outside until the doors opened , having arrived early since the show was standing room only . Once inside though , something inside of me went terribly wrong . My shoulders and arms began to ache and my knees felt week . I could feel my eyeballs start to sweat as chills raced down my spine . I made a detour to the ladies room and it was all downhill from there . When I finally emerged after what felt like an eternity , my not - yet - husband was quite concerned . I told him we needed to leave but I couldn 't explain why . I couldn 't see 2 inches in front of me and I had suddenly gotten the worst migraine of my life . My stomach , now completely empty , continued to cramp and cause me to double over . I was shaking , burning up and freezing at the same time . I thought I was dying , but I couldn 't fathom the idea of finding an emergency room . I just wanted to get home . I stayed in bed for days . Every time I ate I got sick . Every time I set foot outside , I was so afraid I 'd get sick that I would go right back home . I made it to a doctor who couldn 't tell me what was wrong . He was convinced I had been drunk or pregnant and gave me an antibiotic that clearly wasn 't going to help my condition . I went back to work , but wouldn 't engage in any social activities . When I finally felt well enough to get back to my therapist , she asked why I hadn 't come to see her sooner . She was certain I 'd had my first panic attack and without any treatment I was having smaller ones ever since . I was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication . I stayed on the medicine for months , but it never really solved my problem . Therapy was great , but not much help when I was out in the world and about to melt down . Someone suggested aromatherapy . I learned that citrus smells , particularly lemon , can be helpful when battling anxiety . I purchased a small tube with lemon essential oil that I carried with me everywhere I went . When I started feeling anxious , I 'd grab my tube and concentrate on the smell of lemons . The deep breathing helped me relax and the feelings would pass . For years I carried around that tube of lemon oil . I learned to apply it to tissues , so when I was out at a client I could pretend I had frequent allergy attacks . It was in my purse at my wedding and all through out the process of planning the wedding . It was with me for the mundane activities that seemed to cause me great stress such as trying new restaurants , going out with friends and grocery shopping . I stayed out of New York City as much as possible , as I was not looking forward to revisiting the scene of the crime . But one night , an event came up and I had no excuse not to go . Being afraid of going out didn 't seem rational or like something I wanted to explain . And with my terrible luck , that also happened to be the night I forgot my lemon tube . We ventured down into the subway . Between the noise , the heat and the smell I was certain my next big panic attack was imminent . I took deep breaths , but not too deep because it was a NYC subway after all . I kept breathing and before I knew it , we were back off the train and heading back up to the street level . I managed to make it to the venue in one piece , but after sitting down in the crowded audience , my anxiety flared once again . My shoulders and chest started collapsing , my legs went dead and my stomach turned over on itself . I couldn 't get out of that room quickly and I couldn 't sit there . It was starting to seem like I was never going to be able to leave the house again . It worked . I calmed down . I ended up enjoying the show , stand up comedy . Laughing all night , I forgot to feel terrible and be afraid . I don 't carry the tube anymore . It dried up and I never bought a new one . Whenever things get crazy , a room gets too full or I don 't know what to expect , I think about lemons . I think of their crisp smell , their sweetness and tanginess . I think about taking a deep breath , inhaling the aroma and feeling it pass through my nose and straight to my brain . My pulse slows , my stomach stops churning and my arms and legs don 't feel so numb . The dizziness subsides and I can make it through a few more minutes . This weekend I have plans to meet friends at a bar for someone 's birthday . Our friends ' band will be playing . I 've been to this bar to see this band before . I don 't have a sitter lined up yet . I don 't know what time we 're going or what we 'll eat for dinner before hand . What if there 's no where to sit ? What if we get there too early ? Or too late ? What if there are too many people I don 't know ? The deserted road led to The Clearing . Everyone knew what you went to The Clearing to do and when they got there , Richie only had one thing on his mind . Janet had suggested they go for coffee instead , or that he drive her home . " Let 's not go to The Clearing , " Janet said . " I 'm not ready for that . I don 't want you to get your , um , hopes up . " She giggled nervously . Richie looked over at her from the driver 's seat and laughed . He only laughed ; he said nothing . Once in The Clearing , he put the car in park and turned towards Janet . She could feel his icy stare boring holes into her own . She knew what he wanted . It 's what they all wanted . He leaned in to kiss her and she let him . He reached up to cup her breasts , rubbing and smooshing them with his large hands , and she let him . He put his hand on her thigh and squeezed . She let him . He slid his hand up , up into her skirt and tried to move her panties out of his way and that was when she stopped him . " You went too far already . I told you no . I told you I didn 't want this . I told you not to come here . Take me home . " Janet was fighting back tears as she smoothed out her skirt and adjusted her top . " No . You knew what kind of guy I was when you agreed to go out with me . You know you want it and you 're just being a tease . " He was right about one thing , she did know what kind of guy he was when she started dating him . But she ignored everyone 's advice until now . Knowing what she did of his past , she knew it was best to follow his order . She picked up her purse from the floor of the car and got out . As soon as the door was closed , he took off , leaving Janet standing in the middle of The Clearing . After a quick look around , she saw that neither of the other two parked cars belonged to friends . The walk down to the main road was only a few miles , so she set off . There was a phone at the gas station right before the turn off to The Clearing . She knew her father would be furious with her , but he would still come to get her . It was only October , but the trees were bare already . It had been cold , as if something strange was in the air . Janet heard the caw of a vulture and looked up to find one circling overhead . She wished she had worn a warmer coat or shoes made for walking . She wished it didn 't look so much like the kind of night where terrible things happen to girls walking alone on dirt roads . A car approached . At first it looked like Richie 's , but the closer it got , Janet knew it wasn 't him . It pulled up ahead of her . Having no where else to go , she walked towards it . Janet looked behind her and in front of her . She was still nowhere near the main road and the night was getting darker . She pulled up the handle on the car door but wouldn 't budge . Tucking her shoes under her arm , she used the force of two hands to wrangle it open . There was no interior light . The car smelled of old clothes and rotting food . Janet slid in anyway and pulled the door closed behind her , trying to be graceful so as not to offend . The car started rolling , but the driver said nothing . They sat in dark silence all the way to Murray 's Gas Station . Janet jumped out , said a quick , yet sincere , thank you and ran towards the phone booth . The car didn 't move . She pushed her way in , deposited a coin and called home . Her father answered , his disapproval evident in his voice . " Daddy , please come get me . I 'm at Murray 's and I 'm scared . " Before she could hear his reply , the line went dead . She could feel something watching her . Turning slowly , she noticed the couple from the car , leering at her and smiling in a most unfriendly way . A bright red glow emitted from their eye sockets . The man began to push open the door and suddenly everything went black . I 'm trying another fiction post over at The Speakeasy . Please do come join us . For the record , the red - eyed people are real . I was just one of the lucky ones . After two weeks of sad - sack woe is me posts , I realized I needed a break . My body needed a break , my brain needed a break . I kept doing well with my breakfasts and lunches , but my dinners were awful ( well , tasty . and bad for me ) . I did not walk at all . I did not track my calories . I 'm sure they were through the roof . I didn 't have any alcohol . So that 's 2 of 3 goals that I stuck to . I had planned to take off from the challenge between 10 / 19 - 10 / 21 to celebrate my anniversary . We were going to go away , but we ended up not . We did still ship the kid over to his grandparents because , lets face it , that 's still kind of a vacation . I think in the last 24 hours I have eaten as much as I have over the last 11 years of marriage and I still have 24 more hours to go so I should weigh 4 , 893 pounds by Sunday . If I 'm lucky . This is short and sweet this week . I 'm going for a spa day today with my lovely husband , then we 're having Indian food tonight . The order of events was a conscious decision , you are very welcome , Spa Workers . I 've done a considerable amount of sitting on my ass watching things since yesterday and intend to continue doing that . In fact , I 'm going to go have a bowl of mashed potatoes for breakfast and get back to catching up on Children 's Hospital . My parents never got up in the morning , so my brother and I were always on our own . Mom was always tired , Dad was always hungover . The rules were simple : Play quietly . Don 't use knives or the stove to make breakfast . Don 't wake them up . My brother and I shared a tiny bedroom that didn 't even have enough room for two twin sized beds . His bed was a " youth " size and mine was essentially a toy chest custom built by my father with my crib mattress thrown on top . We had a small dresser to share and one of those chests of drawers made out of cardboard that were all the rage in the dime stores of the 80s . My mother couldn 't stand to sleep in a room with my father because of her immense dislike for the man . She chose instead to sleep on the living room loveseat . My father , ever intent on tormenting her , took up sleeping on the large couch . This rendered the living room , the only room truly large enough for two children to play in , completely useless to us . Their bedroom , though vacant , was off limits . We were forced to play in the upstairs hallway just outside of our room . One Sunday morning , I was 5 and my brother 7 , we were playing one of our make - believe games . The exact details are sketchy some thirty years later , but since the games were always more or less the same , I can offer the gist . All of our dolls and stuffed animals were involved , each with its own unique personality and back story . There had been weddings and divorces , some of them were related and others were just friends . Our relationship to this crew was never quite clear . We could have been their parents or their human overlords , but more likely than not , we simply interacted with them the way the people interacted with the muppets on The Muppet Show . Everyone knew who was human and who wasn 't , yet the mostly harmonious relationships were never regarded as odd . Much of the morning had gone by without us waking our parents . No fights had broken out , physical or verbal , and we hadn 't grown bored of each other 's company . We felt triumphant and confident that our morning would be a success . But our success was to be short lived . I 'm also linking up with the Challenge Grid this week , because I enjoy overextending myself . Please click through and read the work of other writers on the grid . Also check out the the speakeasy where my fiction piece is hanging out with the other pieces of fiction . Mary replaced the handset , inched her way back to the armchair and took back up with her knitting . She 'd been working on the same afghan , night after night , for as long as she could remember . It was longer than any person could need and more than any sofa could hold . Some was on her lap as she worked , but the bulk of it was heaped on the floor in a pile next to her little basket of needles and yarn . She kept her eyes fixed on her project , glancing up only occasionally at the clock . Behind her , the floor lamp gave off the only light , illuminating the chair and very little else . Mary rose slowly , her joints cracking as she straightened her frail body . She set her knitting aside on her seat and walked over to the desk on the opposite wall . She pulled the chain on the lamp with her right hand , reaching for the phone with her left . She raised the handset to her ear and cleared her throat . " Meet me outside . " This time the caller did not hang up . Mary could hear breathing and the chirping of crickets and the wind rustling through the trees . " Who is this ? " Click . She put the phone back once again and turned off the light . She shuffled back to the chair , eased her weight down and resumed her knitting . Several moments passed before the phone rang once again . She rose and returned to the desk , repeating all of the same motions just as she had hundreds if not thousands of times before . Mary padded to the front door and flipped on the porch light switch . The door opened quickly with the force of the autumn winds . Mary 's white nightgown flowed and swirled about her ankles , her feet feeling the chill in the air through her old slippers . There was still only the sound of crickets and wind . Mary returned to the house , turned off the porch light , turned off the desk lamp and sat back in her armchair to resume knitting . She only completed a few more rows of the burnt orange blanket when the phone rang again . Mary knew it was Katie . It was always Katie and Mary never asked on the fourth call . Mary set the phone down on the desk , the cord tightening and twisting back up on its own . She headed back to the door and flipped on the light . She held tight to the door as she opened it , expecting the wind this time . She stepped out onto the porch , wrapping her arms around her chest to protect herself from the chill . She looked around , pushing her hair out of her mouth where the wind had blown it . " Katie ? " she called out , knowing she 'd get no reply . Katie was out there , but Mary didn 't know where she would find her . She shuffled down the steps , squinting to see beyond the reach of the porch light . Scanning the ground , she finally saw the blood . Several smaller drops at first , growing larger as Mary followed them . She ventured farther from the house and into the night . She stopped when she found her daughter . Katie knelt on the ground , clasping the long chef 's knife that was covered in John 's blood . Her brother 's body was splayed out before her , his torn shirt soaked crimson . When she heard her mother approach , she looked up from the body to reveal her bloodied , tear - stained face . " I 'm sorry , Mom , " the teen said through her tears . She heaved the knife in the air and thrust it into her own chest . She collapsed onto her brother , pushing the knife in deeper . Her body rolled off onto her back as she choked on her own blood and the final breaths of life escaped her . I 'm giving fiction a try over at the Speakeasy this week . Please click through and read other works of fiction and poetry . Don 't forget my friends on the Challenge grid either ! Imagine I asked you to do me a favor and you agreed . I requested that you go to the store and pick up some half - and - half for my coffee and you returned with a cup of milk you borrowed from the neighbor . How am I supposed to react to that ? You agreed to the request and then you then did what you felt like doing which wasn 't what I asked of you nor was it what you agreed to . Let 's run through the possible outcomes here : 1 . I suck it up and drink my coffee that now tastes like crap . I resent you because if you had just done what I had asked and you agreed to , I would be happy . Now I 'm not and it 's your fault . 2 . I could tell you that you didn 't do what I asked . You could give me attitude , tell me it 's good enough and that I 'm too demanding . Again , I feel terrible because you 've pointed out one of my flaws ( holding people to standards ) and you 're upset with me . Even if you don 't give me attitude and you simply go back out to the store , I feel guilty for pointing out what you did incorrectly . All my life I 've been a people pleaser . If roles were reversed , I 'd have asked you what brand you like , the level of fat you 'd like in your half and half and if your first choice is not available what your back up is . This way , you see that I tried my hardest to make your coffee experience as pleasurable as possible . If your coffee sucks , it 's not my fault . I did what I could . I know this is insane , by the way . However , if you came back to me with ANY half and half , I 'd be happy . Milk is not half and half , therefore I am unhappy . And if you give me attitude and imply that I should be happy as both are dairy products that will , in fact , lighten my coffee , I will be further annoyed . My standards are not as high as everyone thinks - I simply think that in very many cases , there is a right way to do something and a wrong way . Milk does not equal half and half . This is a black and white case . The problem here is why can 't people just do what they are asked and what they agreed to ? I hired someone to grout my shower . He did , except for one spot where he didn 't . Now I am waiting for him to come back ( on a Saturday no less , when we had to rush our showers because it will not be unusable for the rest of the day ) and do his job correctly . Someone asked me for my opinion on a separate matter . I said that I thought the solution to the problem could potentially be found in a particular place and should be sought in that location . That person did not seek the solution and then I was called into the matter again by another person only to have to repeat myself . And when I said I didn 't want to continue discussing until the research was done , I was given attitude and it was implied that I was in the wrong . Whenever I ask my kid to do something that he is 100 % capable of doing , he does the bare minimum coming close to what I asked but not quite there . Then when I tell him he didn 't do what I asked , he gets upset that I 'm displeased with him . In all three scenarios , the end result is the same . I feel like a shit - heel for expressing displeasure that someone did not do what was expected . I feel guilty . I have been told I 'm too demanding and that I expect too much of others . I have been told I 'm a bitch . I have been told that I 'm mean . I often end up doing things myself and then resenting the person who should be doing it in the first place . I don 't think that telling someone they didn 't do what you asked them to do is wrong . I don 't yell or scream . I have been known to use my so - calm - it 's - scary voice , the one that you can never prove I said anything wrong or used a threatening tone or anything like that , but you know that I am done screwing around . I do throw tantrums now and again , that is true , but usually that 's when my first 12 attempts to get something done fail . It 's week 6 of the challenge . The topic this week is punching fear in the face . What am I afraid of ? Here 's a brief list : My ankle won 't stop hurting if I don 't take care of it and I can take a break and I won 't gain back all the weight . I can also buy new shoes like I 've been threatening to do for weeks and that will help . But it requires being proactive rather than complaining . There will always be people who don 't like me , that 's their problem . I don 't have to please everyone and I don 't have to do every thing myself . I can stick to my standards without being a bitch . I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be miserable . My kid will someday sleep and someday I will too . I won 't be this tired forever . I can find time to write if I want to make the time . Insurance and benefits was a safe choice career . It doesn 't have to be permanent but it does have to be for now . I 'm 36 , not 86 . This isn 't it for me . I guess my biggest fear of all is that when I get in this mood it 's not going to go away . That 's never happened before . I 'll stop being in a rancid mood . People won 't bother me so much . My patience will return . I can get back to normal . Until it passes though , it 's such a chore to make healthy choices . It 's exhausting . I have to keep going . The funk will pass . I don 't really have the energy to punch fear in the face , but I 'll give it dagger eyes and hope it gets the point . On to Week 7 . But first , I 've been doing my 20 minutes 6 - 7 days per week . I haven 't purchased breakfast or lunch or had any alcohol . Starting weight : 162 . 8 We were three young ladies , P , K and I , walking in the dark on a Saturday night . To be more accurate , it was Sunday morning already . We had made walks such as this countless times before . Teenagers tend to feel immortal , but not us . We were goth before kids were called goth . We knew evil was out there . There was darkness around us that we could feel , even if we couldn 't explain it . In spite of all of this , we were not afraid . In the wee hours of the morning , we made our way , discussing all of the things we were interested in that could set a mind wandering in some unlikely places . We weren 't exactly looking for trouble , but none of us would have been disappointed in an event that furthered our beliefs about life beyond ours , parallel worlds and strange happenings . It is that frame of mind , after all , that we felt strongly was necessary to allow us see these odd occurrences . We were open to the experiences . We welcomed them . We rounded the corner to a bridge that connected the town we were in to the town we were headed to . Abandoned railroad tracks were below and a veritable forest grew from either side of them . The trees grew so high , in fact , that they went up and over the edges of the overpass . There was a sidewalk on only one side and guardrails protecting a pedestrian from both falling down on to the tracks but also from the road itself . The lack of maintenance and landscaping , however , meant the protections were for naught and a pedestrian was forced to walk in the street . To make matters worse , there were no street lights over the bridge , only some on each street at either end . Once in the middle , there was only the moonlight to guide you . We walked past a car parked on the opposite side of the street facing the same direction we were headed . It was parked directly on the corner , illegally , a man sitting in the driver 's seat . We wondered why this person was sitting there , motionless in the shadows of night , with the car not running and no lights on . We decided that three young ladies such as ourselves , out at such an hour , should make it a point to keep walking . We plodded up the hill that lead to the foot of bridge . In our hurry , we had stopped chatting to focus on getting to a residential area on the other side . Our footsteps echoed . The wind rustled the trees ahead . Otherwise , the night was still . I glanced over my shoulder and my friends did the same . In that instant , and impossibly so , the car 's high beams flashed on and the engine started at the same time . The car began to pull up the hill , slowly at first . The headlights flooded the darkness to reveal just how overgrown the foliage was in front of us . There was no way we could make passage on the sidewalk . We looked back again and the car was no longer simply driving across the bridge . Rather , the driver had the car pointed straight towards us , just as we were forced into the road without the implied safety of the guardrail . We ran like our lives depended on it . As far as we were concerned , they did . The car approached at an unsettling rate . When we reached the area where we could get to the sidewalk , we were pushing and pulling each other off the road . It was as though we had become one mass , one force striving to keep each other from harm . Huddled and shaking , we turned toward the vehicle . All at once , the driver straightened out and began to drive normally as though nothing ever happened . We were out of danger , but not before we got a good look at the figure driving . He was shadowy , almost gray . His extremely curly hair was cut short . His smile revealed brilliant white teeth , sharply contrasted against the darkness around him . His eyes , though , his eyes were not eyes at all . Deep in the cavity of his skull glowed a burning red light . To this day , we all stick to our story . We know what we saw . Though no one believes us , chalking the sighting up to a misunderstanding or overactive imaginations , we remain certain that some sort of evil spirit , for reasons unbeknownst to us , tried to murder us on the Montross Avenue Bridge . Let me start out by saying that I was not emotionally equipped to handle the nonsense of this week . I 'll be blunt : I started my period this week . I was a hormonal wreck and I didn 't feel well . I have been exhausted . I had a migraine and cramps and absolutely zero patience . Monday and Tuesday are my long days at work which means I get an hour lunch which means those are my long walk days . Except for this week apparently . On Monday at lunch while walking the track with a coworker , the school nurse called . We decided to not start another lap while I called her back : My son was hit in the face with a rock while playing . But it was no big deal ( ! ) and she just let me know just in case . So , crisis averted . No . Because while on a call at 3 : 20 with a very upset client ( ugh ) my mother in law who picked up Nathan from school was texting and calling like crazy . When I called her back , Nathan was screaming in the background that his ear hurt . So I left work early to take him to the doctor where he was diagnosed with " a whopper " of an ear infection . Tuesday Nathan stayed home with his grandparents and I went to work . But he wasn 't quite well . It was raining , so I had to do my walk in the basement of my office . It wasn 't fun . I sent him to school on Wednesday , in spite of some tummy distress from his antibiotics and at 11 : 30 , while on a conference call with my boss ( who didn 't know I ducked out and was still talking to me ) and a client ( who presumably didn 't care that I ducked out ) and several others , I got a ( nother ) call from the school nurse , this time urging me to come on down with a new set of clothes . Enough said . More work piling up , more sick kid . No walk for Michelle . Thursday the work continued to pile and I continued to worry about another phone call from school . I sent extra clothes , but that wouldn 't get me out of picking him up if he was sick again . We got through the day , but there was a mountain of homework that a grouchy , still not feeling well kid needed to catch up on and his fully menstrual mother needed to help him with . My living room was a very unpleasant place . Friday , I took a mental health day from work . I was going to spend the morning writing and then pick up my kid at 12 : 30 for his half day . There would be errands to run and stuff to do . As I was eating breakfast , I noticed water had been leaking out of the shower and down my kitchen wall . So less writing and more calling repair professionals . I moved the drop ceiling to investigate and bits of the actual ceiling above fell on my head and into my bra . By 10 : 00 my nerves were shot . I did stuff my face with pizza and salad on Sunday , with just pizza on Thursday and with Burger King on Friday . I did throw in 20 minutes of exercise every day , mostly kitchen jogs . No alcohol still since 9 / 4 . I didn 't get to add in weights this week , but I 'll work on that next week . I didn 't eat take out for breakfast or lunch , but dinner . . . Oh dinner . . . Today : 153 . And yes , I 'm shaking my fist at the sky that I couldn 't lose that one more . 2 lb to get to an even 10 pounds lost . That is just the sort of kick in the pants that this week needed to end on . So there you have it . A rambly , ranty , diatribe on my shit week . I did well considering and I 'm going to cut myself some slack . But not so much slack because that BK yesterday was inexcusable ( but really , really salty and delicious ) and that can 't happen again . And two pizzas in one week wasn 't a wise move either . Lest I sound like a bitter , cranky , miserable woman , there WAS good stuff this week . 9 . 8 pounds is nothing to sneeze at and that post I " cranked out " earned an Editor 's Pick . Hormones make me whine and cry and not look for solutions . I feel better today . I 'll start looking for solutions today . Now I need to catch up on all the other Challenge participants blogs . I 'll get to it . I promise . You should go read everyone 's too . I know all of us can use the support ! I fashioned a headband out of a bandanna and pushed my curls off my face to adhere , as much as I was willing to anyway , to proper food safety standards . I put my foot up on a chair to tie my shoe and headed up front to start working . On my way , I nearly ran into him in the narrow corridor by the walk - in freezer . " Hey . You 're on today ? " he said . Of course he knew I 'd be coming in . Everyone checked the schedule first thing because a good crew would make or break a shift . Maybe I was supposed to think he didn 't care that I was there . Every time we worked together lately , this was our dance . Rumor had it he had a crush on me . I had a boyfriend and wasn 't interested . I maintained that I was doing nothing to encourage his flirting , but at the same time I knew I was doing nothing to discourage it either . It was fun and he knew the situation . All afternoon the squabbling and banter continued . There seemed to always be a reason for him to brush up against me or full on knock me out of his way . Every little girl knows that boys push you and pull your hair when they like you and just because he was 16 , that didn 't mean he had grown out of this style of flirtation . And just because I was 18 , that didn 't mean I wasn 't going to react . I always pushed back , shouted at him or threw something , just let him know his actions had not gone unnoticed . It was all part of the game . At some point , I 'd had enough nonsense . It was time to get ready for the full shift change and I was growing weary of his antics . I tried to yell at him playfully but my intentionally light tone didn 't do enough to hide my annoyance . I had upset him and felt badly about it . He stomped off to the back to sulk and I followed . " Good . You feel bad . That 's what you get . You 're always so mean to me . " He was so proud of himself for getting me to beg for his attention . I was furious . How dare he make me look foolish ? " I 'm mean to you ? ! If I 'm mean to you , it 's only because you 're an asshole , always knocking into me or being obnoxious . You totally deserve it ! " He swung a wet , soapy dishrag in my direction and it was on . I tried to protect myself from the rag while simultaneously wrestle it away from him . He was much stronger than I was , so he always had the upper hand . I grabbed one end of the rag so he couldn 't whip it at me anymore , but he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it hard so I had to let go . I screamed in pain and tried to punch him . It was the kind of altercation that started as fun but was beginning to get out of hand . The roughhousing continued . I tripped over a chair behind me and fell back against the upright freezer . We were still attacking one another and he fell towards me . He put his hands up to stop himself from crushing me , one on either side of my head . Time stopped . We were both breathing heavily . My heart was racing , no doubt from the struggle . He probably thought it was for him . He was smiling and staring at me intensely . I looked back at his blue eyes . He was so close . I should have pushed him off of me but I just stood there , arms frozen at my sides . The sound of footsteps interrupted the silence between us and caused us to break our stare . We bounced away from one another . He went to put the dishrag in the sink . As I breezed past my other coworker , I noticed her confused expression . I looked up at the clock . " It 's 6 . Shouldn 't you leave ? " I asked him . I was walking back up front before I even finished my sentence . Why would he do that ? Why would he get that close ? I hopped up on the front freezer and sat there , the cold metal against my thighs , watching the traffic drive by me . I 'm linking up with Yeah Write 's Challenge Grid . There are more changes going on over there , so please click through , read the work of other talented writers and see what we 're all about . Join us , we 'd love to have you ! |
We , as the Negro Race , are a free people , and God be praised for it . We , as the Negro Race , need to feel proud of the race , and I for one do with all my heart and soul and mind , knowing as I do , for I have labored for the good of the race , that their children might be the bright and shining lights . And we can see the progress that we are making in an educational way in a short time , and the war end in his favor , the poor white man should have given to him one negro , and that would fully pay for all of his service in the army . But my God moves in a way unknown to men , and they can never understand His ways , for He can plant His footsteps on the North , the South , the East , the West , and outride any man 's ideas ; and how wonderful are all of his ways . And if we , as a race , will only put our trust in Him , we shall gain the glorious victory , and be a people whose God is the God of all this broad earth , and may we humble ourselves before Him and call Him , Blessed . I shall never forget that lovely Sunday morning when I saw my dear mother returning again to her own native home and her own dear ones once more , but mother would not go to the house with us , as she did not want to take the law in her own hands . So she told sister and I where she was stopping and told us to come to her after we had told the gentleman where we lived , and I went to him and told him that mother had come back and wanted to have us to come where she was staying . He , Mr . House , did not want us to go , and I took my oldest sister and marched out to go where mother was and he did not like that freedom , and he tried to find which way that we had gone to the place , but he did not find us , and we had been to the place where the people were that had homes , and that they would kill us at first sight , and that was all that I wanted to see , and I did not find one thing true of their sayings . Mother now has to tell the gentleman where to find all of her own dear ones whom God in His love for had kept for her , and she should have been very grateful to Him that her life had been prolonged and all that she had left alive were still alive , awaiting for her to return , and finding that her children were all over in different places , and now she has to tell where to find them , through the help of the Lord . And when she had gone for them and was told that some of her own were dead , she said that she would go and dig up their bones ; but they were not dead , as was said , and she sent the soldiers after them and sometimes they were told the same as mother was , and some of the little ones had to be sent for two or three times before they were brought . My oldest sister knew where they all were , so she could help to get the rest . I was two and a half years , as near as I can remember , when my own slave mother 's house was burned to the ground , and I shall never forget that Saturday night . My mother 's husband had gone to a dance and mother was there alone with her little ones , and we all came near getting burned up . We were all asleep when I awoke and found the house in a blaze . I did not know enough or I was so much scared that I did not call to my mother , but I think that she heard me when I rolled out of the bed , and she was out of the bed quick as could be and getting the feather beds she threw them out of the door and got the children and threw them out , and she , finding that she did not have them all , said , " My God ! I have not all of my little ones ; " and she ran in the house to look and she found me under the bed , for I saw so much fire that I was getting out of it , and God be praised that I was saved from that fire , and I have not had the time to run after any fires since , for that fire was all the fire I want . I had not to stay there then , for the time is near at hand when I shall go to my white mother 's to live , for she is in Tennessee and will come home soon to be with her darling child ; and when she shall start again I shall go , and now the times are all well for me as then , but the time has come that the Lord has called her away from her child to be with Him , and and how could I live without her ? And she was to leave her sick child there for her own mother to care for , and God will raise up friends in this lonely world to look after those that cry unto heaven , believing that He is a hearer of the true prayer . I shall always remember that Saturday afternoon when I was lying so sick when my dearly beloved white mother took so sick , and they had the doctor there for me , and he had to see after her the same time , and she was getting so much worse all the time and the doctor had not any hopes of her , and they took me from the room where she was , to a room upstairs and she had them to take me down to look at her once more . That was on Sunday and on Monday she heard the call to her to come up to that blessed land where she should be forever with the Lord and her dear husband . and I would to God she could see me to - day ; it would do you good . Lord , lead me on day by day , and help my feeble life to be formed like her 's , for when I think how she used to watch by my bed at nights , while the angels watched by my bed from on high to see that I should rise ; and is not God the One that I should serve ? And I love to serve Him and honor Him , for He is my all in all ; for she has shown me how great her love was for me and all of humanity , and I love to think of her love and to know how wonderful it would be to see her sweet face on this green earth , and it does seem to me as if I could almost see her by thinking of her so much . I have said that we came to this lovely city in the year of our Lord 1865 , and in that year I went to live with a good family that were members of the church , where the Lord spoke peace to my soul , under the preaching of the Rev . David Moore , then the beloved leader of the noblest band of God 's children on this earth and a more beloved people never lived . They were always on the lookout for any strangers that might come in the church , and they soon found me out as I was a stranger in the Monday night meeting . The dear pastor came to me the first one , for he did not stop to think whether I was an African or what nation I had come from , but he saw in me a soul , and he wanted to find out if there was any room for Jesus to live or what I should do with Jesus , or what should I do for Him , who had done so much for me ; and my poor heart was ready and waiting for some one to come to its rescue . It was then and there that I yielded my life and my all to the one that can save to the uttermost all that come unto Him by the Lord Jesus Christ . My dear mother had four of her children called home to heaven within a short time . Some of them left her for the land of love in the same month , and there seemed like nothing but God 's displeasure on us , but it was God 's love to us , for we know that they are safe from all harm and danger in this world of sin and distress . Some of them I never saw more after landing in this city , but I shall see them and know them when I shall have fought the blessed battle on this side , and the victory shall be on the Lord 's side . Then I can sing with the angels above : I WAS baptized by the Rev . David Moore , the pastor of the Washington Avenue Church , who is one of the best beloved ones on this earth , for he never overlooked me in the time that my soul needed the Lord Jesus Christ to save me from my sins and make me a child of the King , which makes me what I am to day . I bless God that he ever put it in my dear mother 's mind to come to this place , for she was not a Christian , and the heaviest burden that I have carried was praying for one that was the head of the great family where she should have been a leader of her dear ones to the Lamb of God , that taketh away the sins of the world . But God be praised for a little one to lead so many , for of all the people of mothers there was not one that knew of this love of God , and how many were the souls given for me to work for . I told my mother that I had found Jesus and was going to follow Him . She said , " My child , you are too young , I am afraid that you will not hold out . " And I said , " Mother , if I should look to myself I should fail , but I look to Jesus . I have given my life and He can hold me in the power of His might and can keep me from failing ; so I can not go against your will , but I must follow Him , for you know how He has saved me from sickness so many times , and now the time has come for me to pay my vows unto Him for making me His own . " I went forward in My grandma was almost one hundred years old , and when she heard that the Lord had saved me and that I was praying for her she saw her own sins and asked me to come on to visit all of my people , and I , getting ready , got my oldest sister to go with me . I found that the way was opened for work , as there we began the work , and they were looking to see something that they would never see in this world , and sweetly they were all brought to the Saviour . Grandma went home to carry the good news and some of the rest have gone with the same good news . The subject of this sketch , as I said , was born again under the preaching of Rev . David Moore , of the Washington Avenue Baptist Church , which is one of the noblest churches of this city , and it has some of the best people in it of any church in the world , for there is more done for those in need in other lands . When I became a member of that church I could not read in any book , for I did not know a letter . There was a gentleman in the church by the name of Mr . Lansberry , who finding that I was one of those that was going to learn , went to a store and bought me a First Reader and gave it to me , and I did not lose any of my time at nights . I went to the meetings every night and came back and got a lady , who was a sister of Mr . Bailey , to be my teacher , and sometimes she used to be so very sleepy that she could not keep her eyes open and I would shake her and say that my lesson was to be learned , and it was always well learned . Then I went to the Sunday - school to let my Sunday - school teacher hear it on Sundays , and he , Mr . Ward , always said that he was sure that I would learn so fast I would soon catch up with his Bible Class . It was not long before I could lay my Reader down and take my lessons in the Bible , and I can bless God for all of this , for the love and the kindness that I received of all that knew me was a token of His great love for me , and I know that He was near me all the time to bring me nearer to the Light . My mind was then fixed that I should some day go to school and I could not rest night or day I was so anxious , to go to school ; but my dear mother could not send me . She had poor health and no one to help her to take care of the younger children , and I had to work and do the best I could with my books , hoping that the time would come that I should see myself sitting in some school studying , the same time asking mother to let two of the other children go to school every day . She did let them go for awhile , but some one came and wanted her to let them go to work out again and she let them go out to work . God be praised for the way he has led me since , I was three years old until this day , for it was His hand that taught me to remember all of these long years . I have in my mind the time at the old home when they put me on the fine dressing table in front of the large mirror , while the Rev . Mr . Walker baptized me in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost , according to the Methodist tests in those days , and I always thought that was to give me my Christian name ; but when the Lord had spoken peace to my soul He led me to follow in his footsteps , and I gladly followed Him to be buried to the world - - that is , to be put out of sight , and that is what the word means . I have found it to be one of those times when the Father was pleased with His own dear beloved Son , and I know that He will be pleased whenever we do please Him , for God so loved the world of sinful men that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should have everlasting life , for God sent not His Son into the world to condemn it , but that through Him all might believe in Him and have everlasting life . He led me on day by day , and after a while I found that He had led me to go away from home that I might get ready for the work that my heart was so full of , for every time that I saw the newspaper there was some one of our race in the far South getting killed for trying to teach and I made up my mind that I would die to see my people taught . I was willing to go to prepare to die for my people , for I could not rest till my people were educated . Now they are in a fair way to be the people that God speaks of in the Holy Word , as He says that Ethopia shall yet stretch forth her hand and all nations shall bow unto her . I long to see the day that the Ethiopians shall all bow unto God as the One that we should all bow unto , for it is to Him that we all owe our homage and to be very grateful to Him for our deliverance as a race . If we should fail to give him the honor due there would a curse come to us as a race , for we remember those of olden times were of the same descent of our people , and some of those that God honored most were of the Ethiopians , such as the Unica and Philop , and even Moses , the law - giver , was of the same seed . Nature awakens in our being a feeling that we must lay at His feet that we may get the blessed approval , for we are so changeable , but God is unchanging . He is omnipotent , and all else is transition . Yet God rules the oceans , the mountains , the valleys , and all that walks the broad earth . Well , now I shall tell you something more of my working in the City of Brooklyn . I lived with the Bailey family the first year , and when they went away in the summer , as all of the rich used to do , I stayed in the house for the summer and they went across the ocean and were away for some time . The next year I did not like to stay in the house alone , so Mrs . Bailey got me a place with a nice friend of hers , and when she came home , thought that she was going to have me to come back to live with her but I stayed with her friend as there were but three in the family and the work was not hard , and it gave me more time to study , and Mrs . Stafford 's son . Willie , was so glad to have me as his pupil that I had not any trouble to get my lessons ready for him . He went to school every day and he could not get through his head how it was that I could not go to school every day as he did . His mother told him how it was and his eyes would fill with tears and he would ask his mother and father to let him stay at home on Sundays to read the Bible to me while I should get the dinner ready , and they would let him stay , for he wanted to see me going to the House of God on Sundays as they did and was willing to have anything to eat that I might have the opportunity of attending the church and Sunday - school . His mother would let me go to the Sunday - school on every Sunday , for they were good people and were of the kind that delighted in their help and they were members of the Church of The Messiah , and they were a very happy family . They did not think that anything was too good for my enjoyment and that is the reason that I stayed with them and did not go back to the lady as she wanted me to do . I could not tell which seemed to love me most , and then her son was so willing to teach me , as Miss Abbie Bailey had , so I made up mind that as I had more time there for study I would remain , and I had some of the best days of my life when I began to learn so fast , and he would bring me before his mother and father that they might hear me recite my lessons and see how well I was doing under him as my teacher . They felt the more glad to see how much he was interested in teaching me . Later on in years I was taken sick with the smallpox and was carried away to the hospital . He was taken sick while I was away and his mother said that he would call for me about the last one on this earth , and she tried to find me , but she did not know where I was for some time after his death , and then she felt so bad to think that he was gone and did not see me , for he always loved to be with me that he might hear me sing , as I was always on the wings of song if I were at my work ; and that is the way that I have been all of my life . But all of this time I kept in mind the idea that I should save every cent that I could that I might send myself to school some day . That day did come when it seemed as dark as any night I had ever seen , when I should go away to boarding school and spend that little and should not have enough to finish ; but I went , taking the Lord as the guide of my life , and the way began to grow bright before me and I could see all the clouds rolling away and the brightness shining forth . I went to Washington , D . C . , and entered the Wayland Seminary , under the leadership of Professor G . M . P . King , of Bangor , Maine , with his other teachers and professors under him ; all of whom are a noble band of teachers . And the way the Lord did help me in my studies is a blessing to the dear ones that I had under me for the eleven years that I was in the school work , and the way they progressed . lesson , for we could see the key to all lessons where nature had designed for a grand school of learning . At this place was to be found one of the best schools of learning that has been built by man . And I think of the hundreds and thousands of teachers and preachers and lawyers and doctors that these two schools have turned out in the different parts of this country , and many of them are in other parts of the world . At Harper 's Ferry I spent four years and they were years of hard labor , but they were just as sweet as they could well be , for the Lord went with me and I found favor with all of the teachers . When I had spent the first eight months there I learned to have the greatest love for my beloved teachers , and when the time came for me to leave the teachers I thought that my poor heart would break . Though I was coming to my own people in Brooklyn , I felt that I was leaving my best friends on the earth and so did all of the students . I can never tell any one how many happy hours that I had , for the only trial that I had was that of sickness , which caused me to be of a great care to her all of her life . It was her delight to wait on me and to have her cousin , the doctor , to be always ready to come at any moment she should send for him . He was a good doctor by the name of Sims , and I always liked him , too , until I had the typhoid fever and I had to take some oil . I did not like to take it and he held my hands so that they could pour that in me , and he and I fell out . He is my rock and my hiding place in the time of trials , for a child that had all of the love and comfort of a queen was now left to her own dear mother , who had so many more and had to work so hard to take care of us all that I have seen sit up all night long working for her little ones . I used to feel sorry to see her sitting up alone at her work . I would get up out of the bed and sit with her till daylight ; for I was always near mother after the dear one had been plucked from this earth to await my arrival . It was not long after this dear one had been called away before we were all in different places , and to share the fate that comes to those that are left behind those that have been good and kind . Then the time is coming that mother is to be taken from the whole family of little ones and they are to be left in the hands of others . That is one of the saddest times of life for children when they do not know if they shall ever see her face on this green But God in His great love to us meant that we should see the return of our dear mother to her own and that he would send her and the children out of the Land of Egypt as He did of old when He had tried to teach the rulers how wrong it was to sell and buy human flesh , and this was one of those awful sins that had to be repented of by those that could and would not see the truth . When the wrath of God came upon them and took all of the slaves away from them they could see nothing but tears and curses to the God of Heaven , and some of them cursed the earth , the stars , the moon . The negroes that had prayed so hard to God said that was the cause of the war , for they could see something in their prayers that seemed to reach up to heaven , and the answer had come for their deliverance . Is not this a great God who can hear the prayers of the faithful ones when they pray ? Do not we owe our lives and our all to this great and good God the Father , God the Son and God the Holy Ghost ? And if we should fail to recognize Him we should have a worse sin fall on us than ever any one race had . My brother did try to get away , but he was caught and locked up in Richmond , Va . , and for a awhile we heard them say that he would be killed , but God was there to help him , so he came out all right and went to work on the breastworks , and when he did try again he got over on the Northern side . They almost caught him again , but as the Lord was his leader at night , he made his escape , and to hear him tell of that river that he crossed and how he walked on the water and he was so scared that he did not know he got wet ; but I know that he did get wet , though . He said the Lord carried him over the river without letting him get wet . I am sure that I could not help laughing at my brother to hear of such a thing , for there never was a time that I have read of since the time of Peter that any one was called to walk on the water . The Lord was there Himself to show Peter how small his strength was when he trusted in his own strength , and Peter would have failed entirely if his Lord and Master had not been there . My sister Frances was hired out and we did not see her from one Christmas to the other , for she was a good way off where she could not get home . She was treated very badly by some of those where she lived and her limbs had been sprained so that she could hardly move on them . When later on the Lord had it so arranged that she was taken home to live , where she could be cared for ; she soon got better and was able to go about helping mother , Then my sister Annie was given to the gentleman 's married son and she was not with us , and sister Tempy Green was with the minister , and she was one of the dead ones that mother had a time to get . Maggie , Susie , Martha and Mary were at the same place where mother was sold from , and she went and got them at once . It was like a dream to them to see how far she had been sold and to see her back there again . Sister Lavinia was at the same place where I was and she was treated very badly by the man 's own daughter , for she would whip her without cause . Sister Rosa was at the same place and she was three and a half years on mother 's return . As I told you , she was six weeks old when mother was sold and that made it three years and three months that mother was gone from her own native home to a a part of the country where she did not know any one , not even the great God who had been so good to her all of those years when she was gone ; and all of her whole life God was watching over her and giving to the world one child who was to help to educate the down - trodden race which was , through Abraham Lincoln , to be God 's leader for the children that were in Egypt in the South , and God with this leader and the race , they came through fire and smoke , and now they can see the And there is another that I shall not leave out of this book , for if I did the book would be incomplete , and that is Frederick Douglass , the greatest of men among the negro race of this country or of any land on the globe . He wrote and spoke and went all over to try to do all he could for his race , and who could forget such men as these ? I would say in true lines , may the earth fail to move sooner than I forget those noble - lives . Honored be their memories and honored be their ashes , for their lives shall live in the memories of all coming generations and their ashes will make rich the soil whereon they lie . J . D . Fulton is one that will have one of the highest places at God 's right hand , for he started out to look after the Ethiopian 's rights when he was only seventeen years of age . What can be said of a long life like his , that has written and traveled and spoke to such large crowds of hearers in the interest of the race which I represent . How I have seen those silvery locks fly as his warm heart melted to tears as he pleaded for the down - trodden of the Ethiopians ; and if God has ever heard a prayer I know that He hears the prayer of this dear good man , for I have seen the answer come in mighty power , in many ways , to the saving of precious souls , and the way that he wrote about the negro in this country and its problem . Dr . J . D . Fulton 's first wife was one of the loveliest women that ever lived , for I have been to their house to dine with the family and I found that Mrs . Sarah Fulton and family were the same that they were in the church . There was the sweetest home that I ever saw in all my life , for the father and the mother were all love , and then take Miss Jennie , the eldest child , and she was a lovely girl , and there was Miss Nellie , another lovely girl , and Sadie , the youngest girl , and she was her father all the way , and the boy Justin , who came to the family while I was away . I think he has a large heart like his dear father , and I do know that if he only is a good man like his father God will own and bless him . This Mr . John House had the largest sum offered to him for a girl as I was that was ever offered for any one and he would not accept the whole world of money , on account of the one that had loved me and cared for me , for he well knew that after all of those prayers that he would be sinning ; and he would not have had my mother sold away from her children if his brother would have let him know it in time . He went away to attend court and to his surprise found that my mother was sold . He came home at once to let us know of it , and he was the one that called in my sister Frances and sister Annie and sister Rosa , for the two oldest that I speak of fell to a dead brother who had drank himself to death , and these were sold to pay for his drink . He had been dead for some time and those that he owed now came in to get their pay , which was their only chance ; and the money that they got did not do them much good , thanks to God , for it was in the time of the war and the money was of the Confederate money , and it was during the great struggle when this money was called in never more to be the money of these United States , for this Union needs the kind of money that will be good in all lands , and I am glad that the people can see it now as they never saw it before . Mrs . Sarah Potter , who is a beloved and dear lady , who is the bright morning star of the Washington Avenue Baptist Church , and who is one of the brightest lights that this city has or ever will have , for she is all over this city looking after the needy ones , comes from a noble family and all of the family have been foreign missionaries . She has been a home missionary for many years and God has blessed her and her labors , and her dear father was doing missionary work in India for fifty years , and God blessed his work there . Now that his dear work has been finished in this world and he has gone to his reward , his works do follow him , for the number that have been saved through his preaching eternity will tell . Mrs . Sarah W . Potter was the beloved wife of a sea captain , Mr . William Potter , and he owned a ship that sailed the Indian Ocean , and he was washed overboard one night while his wife , Mrs . Potter , was sick , and she did not know that he had a watery grave until the next day . They had one son , who is now married , by the name of Frank , whom I held as an idol , as he always called to me when in trouble , for his dear mother taught him the love of the Bible , and he would not fight any boy , let them do him as they would . He knew that I would go after the boys for blocks , as I was one of those soldiers that was not afraid to fight . As he grew older I told him that he had to go out into the world to fight his way and I wanted him to begin it at once , and he did learn to battle for himself . He married a lovely girl by the name of Miss Katie Harvey and they have two children , the eldest a girl and the youngest a boy , which is the lovely little man of the home . myself living in 1875 , after twelve or thirteen years of service . It was there that I met Mrs . Sarah Potter . She has been all of a mother to me to give me all the encouragement she could bestow on me . For all of this kindness I am more than grateful to my Heavenly Father , for I know that all goodness comes from Him . He surely has shown His love to her in sparing her to see me go from her home to Washington to school and spend three years and then go to Harper 's Ferry and spend four years , and to see me out in the world teaching for eleven years , and to break down while at my post and now at home to serve in another way . Is not this not God 's love to me , as a poor , humble servant of His ? I should never forget to give the love and honor due Him . When I found that I could get through school in a given time as I had studied hard , if I had the money , I told Miss L . A . Pousland , that I would not be there to work any more , as I had a place in Saratoga Springs for the Summer . She felt bad to lose me , but as she knew that I could make more money for three months at the Springs she wanted me to have my heart 's desire , so I came on from school and went to see her and then made ready for the Springs , getting one of my sisters to go with me and taking such things as we could . We were there too soon and we had to wait for work , and I went around and made myself known to the white people . They soon called on me to come and do work for them , and the first was a Mrs . Carpenter , a good lady . She then got her married daughter to have me to work for her family and they were a fine family . Her daughter 's husband was a grand studio man on Broadway , doing a good business . Then she sent me to another friend of hers , and my sister and I could live for a while . There was Mrs . Purdy , who was another one of my friends , for I did work for her laundry for three years , and she said whenever I came to the Springs and wanted work to come to her ; if the house was filled there was room for me . So you see how God did open the way for me in that strange and lonely place , where there are so many that go there for the Summer looking for work . I went out of the house where we were stopping and got the washing and brought it home to my sister , for she would not go out of the house as she had not been from the place where she lived before . I got her to go with me to help me with the work , and it was coming in so fast I had to get a white lady to help us to get through , for the colored people said that we would not get work as the laws were passed to keep the New York workers out , and I told them that they would have to pass laws to keep the rich people of New York from coming there to board if they should keep the workers out ; so I did not hear to that , and found the way for I had the will , and where there is a will there is always a way . So much for the first Summer . Well , the second time I went up alone . I say alone , I mean that my sister did not go , but the Lord did go with me that Summer , for I did not go to the house where my sister and I was for they tried to discourage us the first time . I always mark one that is an enemy to me and shake the dust off of my feet and let the Lord do for that one what He thinks is best . When they made me an offer of larger pay for the work done on the Lord 's Day , I told them that in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth and He rested on the seventh day , and I felt that if He needed rest on that day I was sure that I must have rest . So the Sunday work was not carried on any more in that laundry . He said that the Lord had sent me to that laundry for the bettering of all in it . The gentleman was from Philadelphia and his name was Mr . Cheek . Mrs . Purdy had one daughter , and a lovely girl in music , and her name was Kittie Purdy . She was sought to play everywhere as she was a fine player , and everyone thinks her a very pretty girl . Her mother is a perfect lady , for she used to be so kind to her help . She never was late in any of her meals for the help and she always sat down with us and eat with us . She was as jolly as any one at the table and she always called me her bird , for I was on the wing of song from the time I began my work until my work was finished , and then I would start home as happy as any one could be . Then I would be the first to greet her in the mornings always and she used to say that I brought to her a great deal of comfort each hour and drove all of her business cares away . I used to feel glad that I , although a working girl , could be of some love and comfort to some one , and it makes me feel glad to - day that God in His love to me and for me can own such a feeble one . have worked for her the third year if she had not taken sick at the time she did . A gentleman came on from Philadelphia and she got me to work for him and I found him a fine gentleman . I praise God for all that came to me while I was pursuing my studies , and to - day I do feel like saying , To my story : Mrs . Haseltine , I said , had to go to the Saratoga Springs for the Summer and she used to let me hear from her , but my work in school was so great that I lost sight of her and I do not know if she is in Florida or not . Wherever she is I love her and she has my heart . She did all that she could all the time that I worked for her to let me do extra work for the boarders so that I might earn money outside of what she paid me , and the ladies used to come to the lanndry and talk to me , for some of these ladies went to school as I did and some of them waited at the large hotels in the Summer time to pay their board . The gentleman that had Mrs . Haseltine 's house took me in at evening time to entertain the guests , and they all helped me . When I came home to make ready for school I was at our own church one evening when dear Dr . J . D . Fulton was giving us one of his grand lectures , and he gave me time to sing , read and speak . The church took a grand collection for me , which amounted to seventeen dollars and seventy - three cents . I was better fixed that year than I had been at any year since I had been going to school , for I had worked all of the Summer and would not spend any of my money as I wanted it all for school , but the evil one came and stole it from me and I was Well , I did not know what I should do , so I made up my mind that I had done all that lay in my power - - that is , I had earned the money , and some one had taken it from me and I was left to go without . So I took the Lord for it , and could not board as I had done , but I bought some little things to use and boarded myself , and I was up sometimes at the late hours of night , when all of the people were asleep , cooking for the next day , that I might not be late at school . So you can see how loving God was to me . My life in school was one of joy to me and to my mother and sisters and brother and brothers - in - law , and all of the time that I was in school they were sending me their mites to help me along . My sister , Mrs . E . F . Rodwell and Mr . G . W . Rodwell , and my sister , Mrs . Annie Lindsey and Mr . F . P . Lindsey , were the ones that never for once forgot me , and at Christmas time , I was like a child looking for something . Everybody was good to me . Praise the Lord for all of the love that came to me in the time of need . Well , my work ended in 1886 , though I taught in 1885 , and had the blessing of God with me in this school . There were twenty five out of the school brought to the knowledge of the truth , such as the Lord will own and bless at the last day . God be the glory . Amen and Amen . liked , so I went there trusting in the Lord . I lost that place , but they got me another one where they built me a new house , and the Lord did bless me in this place , although . I was not able to go to the Baptist Church only once a month , for there was not any nearer than ten or fourteen miles . When the next year came I helped the people build a church and it was all paid for before I left there . How God did pour out His spirit there in the salvation of souls , and He did add unto the dear church such as will be saved at the day when He shall come to make up his jewels ; and I can praise His name for such a Saviour . After being there for sometime I was taken sick and was there sick and could not teach my school for that Winter . It made me feel very bad , but my good Dr . Ford said that he thought all of the county were sorry to learn of my illness and all were losing a good teacher . I would not be able to do any school work for sometime to come as the nerves were all overworked , and that had brought on other troubles which were of a dangerous nature . So my heart was heavy indeed , and if I had not had my hope built in Jesus Christ I would not have stood , for I felt that all other ground was to me a sinking sand . I stayed there all of the Winter and then came on home to Brooklyn , and the Lord was so good to make me well ; I went back to my work and taught all that Winter , and when my school was out I then went down to the county seat , which Hinton is a lovely little town on the Chesapeake and Ohio Railroad and in the Blue Ridge and Alleghany Mountains , and is one of the greatest places on the road , as all of the trains from the West , East , South and North stop there . It is a lovely town and they have a roundhouse there where they build locomotives . They have a fine Y . M . C . there . There are a number of men employed at this place . They have two nice Baptist Churches and a Baptist Mission , two Methodist Churches , one Episcopalian , one Congregational , one Presbyterian and one Roman Catholic and one college , a number of private schools and a number of public schools and the county is doing a good work in education , and to the Lord be all the praise for all of this good work . Hinton I said was a lovely place . Like Harper 's Ferry , that I spoke of in the preceding chapter , it is situated on Camp Hill in a lovely place , between the Potomac River on one side and the Shenandoah River on the other , and it has two of the most beautiful bridges I ever saw . When you see the trains coming and going it looks lovely . The Wayland Seminary is in a lovely spot on Meredian Hill , between Fifteenth and Sixteenth streets , and you can see all over the City of Washington . It is lovely to behold with all of its fine buildings and art galleries , though I do not like it as well as Harper 's Ferry , for I was not well the whole time I was there and I had so much better health at the Ferry . I bless God that I made the change when I did or I might have been gone to my long home before I had the time to see so much of God 's love to me in the way He has led me through paths that I did not see then . I can truly say unto Him , Lord , Thou hast been my dwelling place in all of these years of trial and has been my rock in a Well , I came home last October a year ago , 1895 , and made up my mind to stay for the time being . Some of the people found out that I was here and they sent for me to come to see them . I went to Mrs . Murphy 's the next week and I was there nearly a year and found that I could not do much lifting , so I did not feel well for quite a while , and I had a heavy day of it the last time that I was there . So I told her daughter I should not come any more as I had gone early that I should get home early . It was nealy six o ' clock when I stopped . They are a lovely family of four men and four girls , all of whom are are very fine indeed ; two sons married , and children , and one daughter married and she has two little ones . Miss Josephine is a school teacher , Miss Alice is the housekeeper , as the mother is not very well at times . One of the lovely girls is a Sister in a convent . At the Pells and the Powells . Mrs . Pell is a lovely woman , with two children , one a lovely young lady and full of the sweetest music the ear ever heard , for I do not think that there ever was any one that could play sweeter music than her . The other is a boy , a nice youngster of promise . Mrs . Powell is the sister of the first Mrs . Pell and she has one daughter , who is a Mrs . Pell , whom I have to call Mrs . E . Pell to let each one know which one I mean . There are other ladies in the mansion that are very nice to me . Mrs . Pell No . 1 is the head of the house and is a fine lady , and in telling you of those that I have worked for and I am doing work for I mean to tell that it is by the day that I work for some of them ; as you will see as you read this that I have had very few places where I lived out by the month , and staying a good while in a place . love to me a poor sinner of the dust . And what can not the Lord do for those who put their trust in Him ? We feel like saying to the blessed One , how amiable are all of Thy works , oh Lord , and our eyes are seeing Thy salvation in many parts of the earth . I can remember the first time that it was my pleasure to hear dear Dr . J . D . Fulton . It was on Thanksgiving Day when he first came to this city to preach at the Hanson Place Church , as their pastor . The Rev . David Moore had him to preach the Thanksgiving sermon at the Washington Avenue Baptist Church , and we were all delighted at hearing him on that day . I loved him on hearing that sermon , for I felt the spirit power on that day , through his preaching . I shall always think of the Doctor and his loving family , for we , as the negro race , have not such a friend on earth as Dr . Fulton . I am not afraid to say it to his dear honor is he is not dead , and I wish every negro knew him as I do for then they would all feel toward him as I feel . I hope that he will long live to tell the truth as he has in days gone by ; and if he was in this city where the evil is so strong , we should hear him sounding the watchword , and that is the reason that those that loved the ways of sin did not like him , for they felt that he had cause to trouble them while they were yet in their sins . A speech to a crowded church , in the year of our Lord 1888 , in Talcott , Summers Co . , W . V . I was asked to have this published out there , but I wanted to have it brought to my home in Brooklyn . I was into so much work out there , and my people were not there to see what the Lord did help me to do : Dear friends , let us look for a few moments and think of the time when you had not a church where you could worship God . I told you that God would give you this lovely place , where no one could drive you out , and to see what great things He has done for you in a little time , and how great things can He not do if we will only trust Him ? We have those of our race that have held places of greatest trust and God bless them in those places . Why should we give up the fight and lay our armor by when there is so much for us to do ? No , no , we can not and we will not lay the grand old armor down , for the Lord is on our side and we shall surely conquer if we look to Him whose arm is so large and strong . Then let us take fresh courage and march on until we reach the goal , and then we shall be glad and rejoice for the Lord has spoken good to His people , the Ethiopians . and begin now to rejoice ye in your own race and feel proud of the race , but not ones that can dance the best on the ball - room floor , for there is very little in that when it is all summed up in a whole . Let us thank all the good people who have shown any love to us while we have been in this work of building and may they all find favor in the sight of God . You have a dear good pastor who is willing to give his life to the Lord and the church . Let us take fresh courage and march into His service , for we shall gain if we only trust in God and do the right He will help us to persevere . I was wondering a few days since if the men of the present day had lost the respect that men used to have for the women . I was carried back to the year of 1884 while in school with so many of the young men of my own race , when I saw so much of the respect that they showed to us girls and that was what caused me to write this to their honor . I think that true etiquette is one of the greatest blessings that young men can have for the women , for it is to them that we look to for the protection and love , and if we fail to find it in them where shall we look ? This is one of the greatest fortunes that one can have , and it is that which makes a young man what he ought to be . We , as the women , need so many of such ones and the world needs them fully as much , and the God who made them looks for more and when he does not find it in I found a number of young men that used to attend the Wayland Seminary that had the greatest regard for the girls , and I could not but notice them in this respect and their kind acts while there , although I was not in the same classes with them , but I never saw them make any difference while I was in school . I always found good friends among them and I never saw a young man meet one of the young ladies but they lifted their hats , and that made the people of Washington , D . C . , always speak of it in the kindest terms . One never loses anything in this way , and their virtues are greater than gold . While at the Harper 's Ferry school I found the loveliest teachers that ever were in a school . Professor Brackett , the head of the school , is a fine gentleman , and his wife , Mrs . W . Brackett , is a lovely lady and she is one of the finest teachers that ever lived . She has three nice children , two of them are girls and one boy , who is a young man by this time , for I have not seen him since he went to Maine to attend school , which is the Bates ' . It is a fine school of Latin , and a number of the students went to that same school . and we all loved her . Miss C . Brackett was one of the lovely teachers , and one whom every one of the other teachers loved , for she was one of the finest readers that ever lived , let it be man or woman . They used to have her read nearly every afternoon when the school was out , and sometimes they would call to Professor Curtis to read to the school . He was a very good reader , but Miss C . L . Franklin was the grand trainer of the whole school . They had a grand reading circle there at nights for the rich of the Ferry , and she was the one to do the fine reading . All of the noble people of the place loved her and she will ever be loved and remembered by all who knew her . She is now in Washington , D . C . , teaching , and the people have learned to love her as we did . I do not think that any one could help loving her for her love and fidelity to the race which she represents . Miss C . L . Franklin 's mother , who is a lovely woman whom we all love as a mother , for she had many of the students at her house to board , like Mrs . William Lovett , and she was so very kind to all of them that she will be remembered by us all , for we love those in our school life that would say a kind word to us . It was to help us along in our daily toil . Mrs . Bell was one of the ladies that kept boarders and she is much beloved . Mr . W . M . Bell is one of the teachers and all love him as a teacher . But God has wonderfully blessed the teachers that have been sent on there from the North to look after the interests of the negroes . They love the work of the school - room , and it is their meat and their drink daily to give away what they have received . The Word says that it is more blessed to give than to receive , and we are always ready to receive from the hands of our earthly friends , and it is much greater to receive from God . Mr . Thomas Lovett has two lovely little girls , named , respectively , Florence , the eldest , and the other Shoelett , and they are very smart . Mr . Lovett has built a hill - top house in a lovely place . It is filled in the Summer time , while he has music for the boarders . That makes it pleasant during the warm weather of the Summer months , and it is one of the loveliest places that can be found on the B . & O . Railroad , and the white people go their from all parts . I had the pleasure of stopping there on my way home in 1895 , and it did my soul good to find such a fine house built by one of the colored gentlemen and one that I had known ; for I was at his mother 's boarding house for the whole time that I was at the Ferry . He was teaching school then in the Winter time and looking after his mother 's business in the Summer time . So I am glad that some of my people are trying to make an honest living . He is one among the many at the Ferry that are keeping boarding houses ; and I am thankful for all that comes to us as a race . I hope , as I have often heard dear Dr . Fulton say that he wanted to see the race go forward , and I pray that the time is not far distant when all of the friends of the negroes shall see them making men and women of themselves , and then the grand problem will be solved . Then we shall be glad , for I am grieved night and day for my own people , and I feel so grateful to God for letting me see and to know that I have such a good friend as Dr . Fulton is . He shall be loved by me as long as I live , and I hope that he will ever be loved by all that shall read this life of mine , for he has been a father to me and I am one that always remembers a kindness as long as any one will do one for me . God will bless those that will think of me in love . And what a glory it will be for all that have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb ; and I know that two darling mothers have washed their robes and made them white , and to God be all the praise for the great love that He has shown to poor me , who feels so lonely on this lovely Lord 's day . How much have I found in His service , too , and if I could be able to go there to - night I feel that I should be blessed , but I have to stay at home to - night as I have not been well for a month or more . I feel grateful as can be that I could be out this morning , and I will pay vows unto my God as long as I shall live , for He is my rock and my hiding place in the time of trouble . I have had a storm of them and it is to Him I fly to shield my soul from the evil one , and knowing as do how many hard spells I have had , it I shall not forget the kind care of Dr . Matthews , of this lovely city , whom God gave to me when I was very low and the three times a day that he paid his visits to see how I was I getting along . He was so kind in his words to comfort me and to give my mother cheer I shall always think of him kindly , for the snow was so deep that a horse could not travel very well and he had to walk it three times a day . I had not my white mother then to care for me , but my own mother did what she could for me and I know that she has her reward in heaven for all that she has ever done for me in the times when I needed the most care . There is good Dr . Reeves , a good Quaker doctor , and I had to have him to attend me . He was very kind and gentle in his treatment of me and I am very glad that I found such a friend in him , for he was like a father to me ? I shall not overlook dear Dr . Warmsley , who was a good doctor to me and he was kind as he could be , and I shall not forget him , although I have not seen him for a long time . What shall I say of the last doctor that I was under out West , and that is Dr . J . W . Ford , who was so kind to me as a stranger . He would come when he was sent for . It made no difference what time of day or night . It might be you would find him on his way where he was sent for and sometimes he would be on the road all night long , for he is the best doctor in the county , and I was going to say the best in the State of West Virginia . They all send for him , far and near , where they have any fever , and he is so good in fevers , through the Lord , he is sure to bring them out of if they do as he tells them . May the Lord give him a good To my story as a school girl : It was full of sweet love and regard , for I gained favor with all of the teachers and professors and all of the pupils . The Lord be praised for all of this love and joy that came to me in my school days . Then the love that came from the Washington Avenue Baptist Church of sending me the sum of twenty or thirty dollars to help me in paying my expenses was of the greatest love for one in a school , as I wanted to pay as I went , and then the Sunday - school would send me their money , one of the dear , loving favors of God 's love , and naming each time from which the money came and sending it through the Board at Chicago . Then Mrs . Conley or Mrs . Connell sent it to me and the Board sent the same way when my own beloved church sent me money . It was in the time of Mrs . Sarah Fulton and she did not forget me when I was in school . The Mission Band of our church sent me some money every year after the first year that I went to school . Sometimes it was to the answer of my prayers that the money came at the time I needed it to pay my board and God be praised for those who from the bottom of their hearts contributed in the grand and good work of education . For all that I shall do in this life to help some one that needs help , I shall think of the Lord 's love to me and try and do what I can to bring them to the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the world , and to God I owe my life and my all , and if I should fail to love and honor Him I know that He will not remember me before His dear Father in heaven . is one of the finest gentlemen anywhere around the whole country , and is much beloved by all who know him . The white people who board with him in the Summer time all liked him , for he was so nice and quiet . He has a large family of girls and boys and all are smart . He sent two of them to the Hillsdale College when they had finished at the Ferry , and one was John Lovett , who studied law , and the other one , Miss Etta Lovett , was a fine school teacher and a music teacher . I have just learned that the last one of the girls has married , and that is the youngest of the family . They all have good partners for life , which does not come to all large families . God bless such a father and mother , who have taken such good care of the training of their children . Mr . John Lovett was one of the teachers of whom I shall speak of , as I boarded in their house for four years . A more lovely woman never lived than his mother . She is known far and wide as one of the best ladies to keep boarders and she has a lovely family of girls and boys . Mr . Thomas Lovett is a school teacher and much beloved . He married a doctress , who is one of the finest ladies that lives , She is from the North and she has some of the best people of the Northern cities that she waited on , and they love her to day for the kind care that she had for them . Miss Emma Carter is one of the teachers , and Miss Lizzie Sims , Miss Frances Sims , Mr . Burrell and Mr . C . H . Plummer ; and of later years Miss Mary Brackett has gone there as one of its teachers and there are others that have gone there as teachers . The dear good work is going on in the strength of the Lord and I hope that He will still bless his work . The same that I said of Miss C . L . Franklin I will say of Miss Lulia Brackett , who is married now and is still one of its beloved teachers . She loves the work of teaching the negroes Mr . William Bell is one of the the teachers whom we all love dearly , and he taught school outside for a while before he came to teach at the college . He had the greatest success as a teacher . May God bless those faithful ones as they are far from their homes , family , friends and loving ones . I had the pleasure of working for a fine family in Brooklyn by the name of Davis , and I found them all a lovely family . I had the pleasure of going away in the country one Summer to a place called Flemington , N . J . , and we had a fine time as it was his father and mother 's home , and they had a dairy farm and all of the nice things that one finds in the country . I was not well while there as it was low land , and one of their daughters was not well , so I feeling that I would be better to come home they got ready and come on home , and I left them and went to my home where I could rest . In the Fall I was so much better that I was able to go back out West and take up my work again . When I had finished my public school I taught a pay school for the Summer and had a large number of scholars , and they progressed well . Some of them would go without their food all day to study extra lessons . teacher or teachers , and I was so much more blessed , for all teachers have a way of their own . The new teacher always makes so much change in a school and in the pupils , I found that to do good work in school I should stay long in one place , that I might bring the scholar near to me . Sometimes I have had it rough , but in it all I can see the hand of God leading me to do all that I could to help forward the great cause of education in those parts where there was so much need . |
Just a little more than a dozen Poe residents , more than half of which were freshmen , were gathered together in the dayroom . Mrs . Horton stood there with a grim expression on her face as she looked around the room , setting her eyes on each of them . When her eyes locked on me , I could see the sympathy and worry looking out . Downpour , the slender Asian girl with blue streaks in her hair , nodded at that . She had a dark and worried expression , which surprised me a bit . As far as I knew , she and Amy hadn 't even said two words to each other since arriving . Downpour tended to only hang out with the other lesbians , and generally seemed to avoid us changelings . " Yesterday , after lunch , " Mrs . Horton continued , " Amy Maguire suffered a spontaneous burnout and was immediately rushed to Doyle . In spite of the rumors , " she looked at Peacock , " she did not die . I have been told that Amy is in stable condition and seems to have recovered from her ordeal with amazing speed . In fact , I have also been told that she will be released from Doyle shortly . " Yesterday , when Amy had suddenly dropped to the ground and went into seizures , I 'd been more than a little worried . However , I hadn 't been the only one . Hardwyrd had rushed to her side to see if he could help , and he 'd been hurt because of it . Apparently , Amy had shifted into her energizer mode , because there 'd been a flash of blue light , and suddenly , Hardwyrd was knocked out on the ground too . He 'd been rushed to Doyle along with Amy , though unlike her , he 'd been healed up and sent back to Poe a short time later . " I 'm surprised they 're going to release her so soon , " Martina commented . " I mean , burnouts are really serious , so she could have died … I have a hard time believing that she just shook it off so quickly … " " As I said , " Mrs . Horton reminded her . " I am not at liberty to discuss her medical issues . " She looked around the rest of the group . " Now , please stop spreading unfounded rumors , because I do not want anyone else knocking on my door , asking when the funeral will be held . " After that , everyone began to disperse and go back to whatever it was they were doing . My eyes went to Downpour , mostly because a small rain cloud was forming along the ceiling above her head . Downpour could manipulate the weather , and most notably , make it rain in small areas . I 'd heard a couple girls talking about her power , and saying that it was a combination of energizer and manifestor abilities . I didn 't really care how Downpour could make it rain inside , only that she was obviously pretty miserable at the moment . A minute later , I was out the door and on my way to Doyle . If Amy was awake and feeling well enough that they were going to kick her out , then she was feeling well enough that she might appreciate seeing a friendly face … especially one as cute as mine . I chuckled at the very idea , since it wasn 't that long ago , that no one would have ever referred to ' Big Al ' Morgan as being cute . When I arrived at Doyle , I immediately began to scowl , feeling just a little apprehensive . I 'd spent far too much time in a hospital to be comfortable in a place like this . It brought back some bad memories . Almost without any real thought , I created a single ribbon , then began to absently play with it . That allowed me to distract myself as I went to Amy 's room . For a moment , I didn 't think that Amy was going to answer . Then , she let out a sigh and admitted , " I have a … medical condition . " She gave me a wry smile . " The doctors think I have a damaged BIT , and it keeps causing me to go into burnout … " At my look of surprise , she quickly explained , " Most of them aren 't this bad . In fact , most of them are just micro - burnouts , and I 'm fine again a few minutes later . My body tends to heal itself when I shift modes . " Amy was trying to act like this was no big deal , as if a burnout was just an inconvenience that she could simply shrug off . However , after my own manifestation and burnout , I 'd learned a few things about the condition . Even a light burnout was considered to be a serious problem . From the look in her eyes , if not her smile , she obviously knew this too . " You didn 't name yourself after some casino game , did you ? " I blurted out in sudden realization . There was another kind of roulette that she could have named herself after , and one that I suspected was the real source of her name . Russian roulette . " I … came close to dying a couple times , " Amy admitted quietly . " Especially the first time . If my mom hadn 't been there to cool me down in time , I probably would have died . Most of the time , it only lasts a couple minutes , and I recover right away . But … " She paused , giving me a wry look . " Sooner or later , I won 't be able to recover in time , and when that happens … " " Shit , " I exclaimed , feeling my heart break a bit for the kid . I was suddenly reminded of when Rachael was about her age , and when we first started to realize that her Diedricks was something she 'd have to deal with for the rest of her life . " Pardon my French , but that is fucked up … " Without saying a word , I just hopped up onto the bed and sat beside Amy . Neither of us spoke , mostly because I didn 't know what the hell I could possibly say . If it had been my wife Meg there , or my daughter Melanie , then they probably would have just given Amy a big hug . However , in spite of turning into a cute little girl , that kind of thing still didn 't come natural to me . Finally , I said , " I know what it 's like … having a death sentence hanging over your head . Two months ago , I was in the hospital , and I wasn 't supposed to ever leave . " I scowled at the memories , wishing that I had a beer to drink from . Instead , I absently played with my ribbon . " Cancer . My whole body was full of that crap , and there was nothing they could do except drug me to the gills and wait for me to die . " This time , it was Amy who gave me a sympathetic look . " Damn … I know you 'd said you were sick , but … I didn 't realize it was that bad . " " I was lucky , " I told her after a moment . " One night , close to the end , a miracle walked right into my hospital room . Admittedly , my miracle came with a few strings , but it was still a miracle . I wouldn 't be here now without it . " Amy was silent for a moment , then she began to chuckle . " Good speech , " she told me . " I 'm not giving up . The researchers here at Whateley are supposed to be some of the best in the world , so if anyone can figure out how to fix me , it would be them . But , that was undoubtedly the best motivational speech that anyone has ever given me . " " Smartass , " I grumbled , fixing Amy with a glare before I started to chuckle to . " Fine then . Are you ready to get out of here ? " In spite of Amy 's eagerness to leave , she still had to wait another fifteen minutes , until one of the doctors looked her over again . We walked back to Poe together , after that , neither of us really saying anything . We 'd already had a nice little talk , and that seemed to be enough for both of us for the time being . Mrs . Horton 's smile faded and she let out a long sigh . As a parent , who 'd raised three children , I knew that look . I was the look of a parent who was forced to deliver bad news , when they wished that they didn 't have to . " I am sorry to be the one to tell you this , Amy , " Mrs . Horton said . " But the administration has decided , that in light of your medical condition , you should be placed in another dorm , which might be better equipped to monitor your situation and help you . " From the look on her face , it was clear that she wasn 't happy with this decision . Hawthorne . I 'd only been at Whateley for a couple days , but I 'd already heard a few things about the remote cottage . Some people called it the Freak House , and said that it was where they hid away the most freakish mutants on campus , the ones that were too extreme for Twain and Emerson . This was also the place where they housed the students who couldn 't control their powers , and who were a danger to themselves and others . I fought back the tears that wanted to come , reminding myself that there was no point crying over spilled milk . Mrs . Horton said that since the administration had already made their decision , there wasn 't much I could do until I 'd resolved my issues . However , Mrs . Horton had also promised me that once my burnout problem had been taken care of , I 'd be more than welcome back in Poe . Even though I 'd only lived in Poe for a short time , I didn 't want to leave . I 'd been making friends , and I even had a roommate I liked . Now , I feared that I was going to lose my new friends , and that I wouldn 't be as lucky starting over . I glanced back to Alyss , who was following a short distance behind me , carrying my luggage . She had just grabbed my luggage and began carrying it , without my asking her . I think she was afraid that if I exerted myself , that I 'd go into another burnout . " Hey , " she added with a smile of her own . " You know , you can always come back to Poe and visit anytime . And , there ain 't no reason I can 't come over here either . " Just then , a woman came out of the building and stopped by the entrance . She was a large black woman in a wheelchair , though wheelchair probably wasn 't accurate since it had no wheels . Instead , her high tech looking chair , probably a devise , had glowing orbs on the corners instead , and the whole thing floated just above the ground . Though I 'd never seen this woman before , much less talked to her , I knew who she was . This was Mrs . Cantrel , Hawthorne 's house mother . Mrs . Horton had told me that Mrs . Cantrel was already expecting me . " You must be Roulette , " Mrs . Cantrel greeted me with a friendly smile . " Welcome to Hawthorne . Come on in and we 'll get you settled in your new room . And don 't worry none , because we don 't bite . " Then she chuckled , " Well , most of the residents don 't . " I entered the building after Mrs . Cantrel while Alyss followed behind me . The house mother led me down the hall , stopping at the door that I assumed was mine . Then , she handed me the key . Mrs . Cantrel remained outside the room while I went in to check it out . There was only one bed , so I had a single . At least there was one good thing from my move , though admittedly , I would have preferred to keep rooming with Alyss . " And that sounds like my signal to leave , " Alyss told me . She grinned up at me , looking absolutely adorable . " I 'll see you later … " I nodded at the introductions , wishing that Alyss had stayed a little longer , because it could have been fun watching her and these kids meet up . " Hi , " I said . " I 'm Amy … or Roulette . " I received a couple half - hearted ' hellos ' from the girls , who were obviously more interested in whatever they were doing than in me . As Mrs . Cantrel spoke , the girl pulled her hood back and stood up so I could get a much better look at her . She had long blue hair , and a killer body which practically screamed that she was an exemplar . She was lithe , athletic , and a bit curvy in all the right places , definitely more than any normal girl our age should be . " Hi , " I responded with a faint smile . Then , I couldn 't resist pointing out , " You 've got the blue hair and eyes , and I 've got the purple . Maybe we should be friends . " Then , my eyes were drawn to the last person in the room , a young woman who had very pale skin , which was covered with some metallic blue tattoos . Her hair was metallic too , and when she looked at me , she actually seemed to have some kind of runes in her eyes . Interesting . When my tour guide showed me the common kitchen , my eyes went wide in delight . It was pretty spacious and looked to be fully stocked with the basic cooking utensils . However , I quickly got the impression that the kitchen had mostly been unused , except to store things in the fridge or to nuke them in the microwave . Caitlin led me through the cottage , pointing out some notable rooms . " Diz lives here , and she 'll try to talk you into playing Scrabble with her . Don 't , unless you like getting your butt kicked by a twelve year old . " Then , a few minutes later , she pointed to another door , " And this is where Puppet lives . She can 't leave , and you can 't go in without hazmat gear . " Then , I saw two students standing in the hallway , who immediately caught my attention . They looked like they 'd come straight out of the Sunday comics . Literally . The first boy had a mop of dusty brown hair . I wasn 't sure what color it would have been if clean , but his hair and entire body looked absolutely filthy , as though he hadn 't showered in years . There was even a small cloud of dust floating about him , which made my neat freak side squirm in discomfort . " No , " I said with a shake of my head . I felt bad for what I 'd accidentally done to Hardwyrd , but at least he 'd come out of it all right . " I only maimed him a little . " I looked over Charlie Brown and Pigpen , but didn 't say anything about their appearances . I suddenly wondered , if this was somehow for my benefit . Was this some kind of Hawthorne initiation ? Was one of them an illusionist , making me see them this way ? After this , the tour continued , with us going down to the basement . Or more accurately , going to the first of four basement levels . And from the way Caitlin mentioned the basements , I had to wonder if there might not be even more of them down there . " This is my room , " Caitlin told me . " And nextdoor is where Paige lives . She 's crazier than I am , and she 's a were panther to boot , so don 't ever let her bite you … But if you ever need to know anything about computers , she 's the girl to talk to . " " Were … panther , " I repeated with a gulp , suddenly having visions of my neighbor 's cat pouncing on me . I shook my head and gave Caitlin a weak smile . " How nice . " After this , Caitlin took me to another room , a large one that was dominated by a swimming pool . However , there were globs of goo floating on top of the water , so there was no way that I 'd ever want to swim in there . In addition , I could see something on the bottom of the pool , though the globs made it difficult to make out what that was . A man was standing a short distance away , where nobody had been just a minute before . I didn 't jump at his sudden appearance , though I was definitely curious . I sniffed the air , and as I was currently an exemplar , my senses were extremely sharp . I didn 't smell anything from this man , nor did I hear anything from him . No heartbeat . No rustling of clothing . No breathing . For a moment , I stared at Fubar , then my eyes went down to the figure in the bottom of the pool . " Is that you ? " I asked , guessing that the man in front of me wasn 't really there . He had to be a projection of some kind . And though he could have been an illusion or hologram , the fact that he 'd said he was head of the psychic arts department suggested that he was an entirely different kind of projection . A psychic projection . And of course , Caitlin had just warned me about a ' wild Foob ' in the water . " Yes , that is , " Fubar agreed pleasantly . " That is indeed me . I was once a student here at Whateley , but after graduation , I elected to remain and help other mutants . " I was sitting at a table in Crystal Hall , eating lunch with Amy and one of her new friends from Hawthorne , a blue haired girl named Sapphire , who was actually wearing a cloak that seemed to be made of blue scales . The whole thing was swept back , including the hood , so I didn 't have a problem making out her face and body . Sapphire was definitely a looker , and well - built for her age too . Or , as I liked to put it , she was jailbait . Of course , Whateley was full of kids who fell under the category of jailbait . But , what could you expect in a place that had so many exemplars , and when any fourteen year old girl might be built like a twenty - one year old porn star . In fact , I even shared a shower with a few exemplar girls , who could easily have gotten a guy in trouble , though , that was a problem that I no longer had to worry about . Because of my own exemplar status , I 'd hopped right back over the puberty line . Ever since I 'd turned into a little girl , I hadn 't felt a single tingling in my nether regions , nor have I felt any real attraction to anyone , male or female . In fact , I seemed to have completely lost my ability to have those kinds of feelings , which was probably a good thing , considering how young I looked . There was a good chance , that one day , I would hit puberty again , and when that happened , I had absolutely no idea if I 'd start liking girls again … or if I 'd begin to like guys instead . For all I knew , it might be both or neither . Fortunately , I had plenty of time to get used to the idea , so that when that day did come , I wouldn 't be too shocked by it . Hopefully . I nodded at that , glad to hear it . I liked Amy , and wasn 't happy about her being dropped off into Hawthorne . I 'd heard a few rumors about the place , which made me worry for the kid . " He looks kind of scary , " Amy added a moment later . " Even for Whateley … hence the name . But he seems pretty nice . And besides that , he 's actually a teacher here . " " He 's one of the psychic teachers , " Amy continued , tapping her temple and smiling wryly . " So apparently , he 's going to be the guy to help me learn to control mine . " Then she let out a sigh . " If I can ever get finished with the power testing . Because of what happened the other day , they moved up my testing and I 've been going through it all morning . " Amy shook her head and let out a sigh . " This morning , they did a bunch of testing , trying to get a better idea of how my shifting works . Not that they can learn much about that , unless they actually catch me when I do shift … which is only when I 'm asleep or going through a burnout . This afternoon , they 're going to focus on my psychic powers … since that is what I have today . " However , Amy shook her head again . " Nope . They 'll want me in there to test each of my power sets , which means a few more trips in . " " Sorry to hear it , " I told my former roommate . She 'd told me about how she 'd been kidnapped , and had spent an entire week being put through power testing . I imagined that not only did this have to be frustrating for her , but it had to be bringing back some bad memories . " As it is , " Amy continued , " they put a biometric monitor in my room , to let the doctors know if I go into another burnout . " She shook her head . " And they 're talking about making me a portable one I can just strap around my wrist or something , so they can keep an eye on me constantly . " " Venomous , " Sapphire corrected me with a faint smile . " But don 't worry , it isn 't lethal . It just causes numbness and paralysis , depending on if you get it on your skin or in your bloodstream , and on how much . " " Not much , " I responded with a chuckle . " I just need to check out a few possibilities for a campus job . My family is paying my way , but I want to make it easier on them if I can . " When we were done with lunch , we all went our separate directions . Sapphire pulled her cloak tight around her , including the hood , and then started back towards Hawthorne by herself . Amy rolled her eyes , let out an exaggerated sigh , and then went back to the power testing labs with an obvious lack of enthusiasm . I hadn 't gone far when I heard some girl exclaim , " Oh my God . Is that a kindergartener ? " It didn 't take much to realize that she must be talking to me . Though I tried ignoring the girl and continuing on my way , she didn 't want to leave it at that and ran up to me . " Hey , you … " Her tone was dripping contempt . " Yes ? " I responded , giving the girl a flat look . She was blonde and pretty , and the only thing missing , from turning her into a stereotype , was a cheerleader uniform . Just as I turned to walk away , the girl fired a burst of light right in front of me , to keep me from leaving . " Don 't you lie to me , you little brat . Do you know who I am ? " This brat 's attitude was really starting to piss me off , and I could feel my temper starting to rise . I clenched my fist in an almost instinctive preparation to fight , but at the same time , I had enough sense to resist this rising urge . No matter how big of a brat this girl was , she was still a kid . And though I would absolutely love to throw her over my knee and give her a good spanking , with my current strength , I could seriously injure her by doing that . " ALYSS , " the familiar voice called out again , this time from a closer distance . I looked at the source and was surprised to see Iron Rose , who was coming straight towards us at a fast pace , with a grim look on her face . She glared at Starbright and demanded , " What the hell is going on over here ? " Rose scowled more deeply , and suddenly , her flesh changed into metal . " Ribbon is in my cottage , " Rose told the other girl , who now looked even more intimidated . " That means this is my business . " " A few of them , " she admitted bitterly . For a moment , Rose looked around , then in an almost conspiratorial tone , she told me , " Back in my old school , there were a few bitches like her who made my life miserable . They kept calling me a wetback dyke , among other things … " " I didn 't look like this , back then , " Rose told me with a grimace . " Then I manifested and had a growth spurt … " She flexed one of her biceps to show off . " They stopped messing with me after that … At least until they called the MCO on me … " Then she paused , having a momentary pained look on her face , which quickly vanished . She ran a hand over her bald head , and looked almost chagrined as she added , " But , it turns out that turning into metal isn 't good for your hair follicles … " With a chuckle , I nodded agreement . " I imagine not . I kind of had the opposite change … I got short , scrawny , and my hair grew out … " I ran a hand through my long white hair and earned a faint smirk . " I figured , if I 'm gonna look like a cute little girl , no matter what I do , I might as well have fun with it … " Rose escorted me to my destination , and we continued chatting on the way . Once we arrived , she said a quick goodbye , then hurried on her way . I went inside the garage and began looking for the person I was supposed to meet . It didn 't take me long to find him . Melvin Donner was a big man , even larger than I 'd been back in the days when I 'd been known as Big Al . He towered over me , and he would have intimidated any normal girl my age , or at least , my apparent age . However , there wasn 't anything normal about me . I didn 't know much about Donner , other than that he was the auto shop teacher on campus , and that he was looking for a couple students to help him around the garage . That of course , was why I was there . " Carson told me that you might show up , asking about the Gearheads , or if I had any work , " Donner said , still staring down at me . " She said I should give you the benefit of the doubt , and at least see what you had to offer . " The look of skepticism didn 't really change . " I got an email saying that you were interested in a job . " " Then , let 's see what you 've got , " Donner said , leading me through the massive garage and to where a 2001 Honda Accord was parked . " This belongs to one of the faculty , and it won 't start . Why don 't you see what you can do to get it running again . " I went to the wash room , where I stripped off my dress and manifested some new clothes that were a little more appropriate . A minute later , I came out of the wash room , now wearing a set of blue coveralls , which were about as close as I could create to what I used to wear at work . My name ' Alyss ' rested in the same spot , where I 'd once had a name tag for ' Big Al ' . And on top of that , I 'd taken the ribbon that was already in my hair , and used it to tie my hair back into a ponytail . Donner didn 't say a word about my change of clothes , though I did see a faint nod of approval . As a former professional , there was no way in hell that I was about to wear a loose and frilly dress while working on a car . I didn 't give a damn if the dress got dirty or ruined , since I could just make another one . What I did care about , and was pretty sure that Donner did too , was that I wasn 't wearing something that could get caught in the engine and be a major safety issue . Without saying a word , I popped the hood to look inside , then I tried to start the car . It didn 't start , but the lights came on so it wasn 't something quite as obvious as a dead battery . I don 't know how many times some idiot had their car towed to my shop because it wouldn 't start , when all they needed to do was put in a new battery . A few seconds later , I was back under the hood and looking more closely . It didn 't take too long to find the problem , and to my surprise , there was a back room full of spare parts , which happened to have just what I needed . As soon as I had the part in hand , I really went to work . Donner kept coming back to check on my progress , but didn 't say a word . When I climbed out from under the hood in order to get a socket , I noticed that someone had messed with the tool chest . They 'd wrapped a large cargo strap around the whole thing , then put an engine block onto the strap , right next to the chest . Whomever did that , had removed the hoist . There were some chuckles around the garage , and I saw a couple students look in my direction . Obviously , they thought it was funny to mess with the new girl , not that I could blame them . I 'd seen similar antics in garages full of grown men . Ignoring the pranksters , I picked up the engine block and moved it over a few feet . The laughter stopped , and the pranksters went silent . After the brief delay , I dove back under the hood . Eventually , I ended up under the car , double checking a few things from beneath . " That should do it , " I announced as I climbed out from beneath the car . I wiped my dirty hands on my coveralls , feeling more than a little pleased with myself . The work had been easy , but it made me feel more like my old self than I had in a long time . " Alyss , " exclaimed the tall redhead named Lanie , who was one of the RAs for the sophomores . I hadn 't really talked to her before , and was just a little curious about why she was there . " I didn 't know you were interested in cars . " I nodded to Donner , then climbed into the car and turned the ignition . It started right up and purred like a kitten . Well , it purred like a car that could have used a tune - up , but it was still in good shape . " Nope , " I responded with a grin . " My grandpa was a mechanic , and I spent a lot of time helping him out in his garage . Everything I know , I learned from him . " Donner nodded agreement at that , then we talked for a couple minutes , discussing when I should come in and what kind of hours I could expect . By the time we were done , I was grinning . I couldn 't wait to get back to work . Lanie stood back while we were talking , but once Donner left , she stepped forward . " So , " she asked me with a grin . " Has anyone told you about the Gearheads yet ? " I was in the power testing labs , wearing a sensor suit and staring intently at the monitor in front of me . I didn 't bother to show my annoyance at the fact that I 'd spent the entire day testing , and I didn 't learn a single thing about my powers that I hadn 't already known . Instead , I 'd resigned myself to going through the motions … again . After spending several hours trying to guess what cards they 'd draw , or read their minds , I was mentally worn out . I already knew from my previous testing that my esper sense let me feel where other people were around me , but not much else . I was a telepath … but couldn 't hear anyone 's thoughts unless I was physically touching them . And then there was my telekinesis . I could only lift about 20lbs at one time , which wasn 't really all that impressive . " I think that all my abilities fall between a level two and three , " I said , though I wasn 't sure if any of the scientists were actually listening . They were still looking over the results of my testing , and seemed lost in their own little world . " None of them are especially strong . " For the next five minutes , Dr . Quintain went off on a lecture about how my various modes , with their different powers , could be the key to better understanding how powers worked . He used the term ' Rosetta Stone ' several times , and was excited enough that he actually scared me a little . I could appreciate his enthusiasm , but he sounded just a little too much like ' Dr . Smith ' , the mad scientist who 'd kidnapped me , because he was interested in researching the exact same thing . That line of thought was less than encouraging , because the last thing I wanted to do , was sleep in the lab for a week , while wired up to some machines . Or even worse , get wired up to all the sensors , and then wait until I went through another burnout . That might get them a lot of data , but it would be less than enjoyable on my part . Dr . Hewley looked to Dr . Quintain . " Making appointments for further testing may be rather problematic . With her powers changing each day , without any apparent pattern … " The two scientists continued their discussion , talking about me as though I wasn 't right there in front of them . And since they kept using a lot of technical terms , I couldn 't even follow along , at least not completely . Still , I understood enough of their conversation to get the point . They wanted to put me through more testing . A LOT more testing . I groaned to myself since I 'd already been through more testing than I was happy with , and the last thing I wanted to do was go through even more . However , I had to admit that if they could figure out how my power actually worked , then they might be able to figure out how to stop me from going into so many burnouts . They might be able to keep my power from killing me . " I have an idea , " I blurted out . When neither responded , I raised my voice and repeated . " I have an idea . " This time , they both paused to look at me . I nodded at that . " That sounds like it will take up a lot of my time , and be a huge hassle … " I let that soak in for a moment , then I allowed myself to smile . " Well , I really need a campus job , and they told me that I can 't work in the kitchens because of my burnouts . . . So … " Dr . Quintain stared at me for several long seconds before giving a faint nod . " That sounds … like a workable idea . If we hire you to clean , file , and retrieve coffee , then you 'd be on hand and available , on a regular basis . " The two scientists went off and began to discuss this between themselves , just far enough away so that I couldn 't overhear . I wished I could control what modes I shifted to and when , or at least , that I was currently an exemplar . As an exemplar , my senses were as enhanced as my strength and stamina , so I would have been able to listen in without too much trouble . A short time later , I was back in normal clothes and out of the testing labs . I wasn 't very enthusiastic about the idea of going back tomorrow , but at least now I was going to be paid for it . That would make the whole unpleasant ordeal , at least a little less of one . Since it was about time for dinner , and I was definitely hungry , I went straight for Crystal Hall . In almost no time at all , I had a plate of food , and was looking for a table . Fortunately , I didn 't have to look for long . I saw Alyss , Voodude , and Breakdown sitting together at a table . I gave Breakdown a wary look , still not happy about the way she 'd ruined my device , but with a shrug I went over and sat down anyway . Alyss chuckled at that . " I 'm afraid I didn 't get to keep the single for long . About an hour ago , Horton went and gave me a new roommate … " " Her old roommate , " Alyss told me with a shrug . " Martina and Christina were going to kill each other , so Horton moved Martina in with me . " Alyss smiled faintly . " I don 't have any problem with Martina or her mom , so it works out for everyone . " We continued talking for a couple more minutes , but then , I noticed another student who was walking around , looking for a table . Sapphire was wearing her cloak , as she always did . I still didn 't know why she always had that thing , and wasn 't about to ask . At least not yet . However , I held my hand out for her attention . The cloaked came over towards our table and gave a self - conscious smile . " Hello , " she said , pulling back her hood so that everyone could see her more clearly . " I 'm Sapphire . " " Not bad , " Alyss told me with a grin of her own . " Not bad at all . I actually got a new job too . I 'm helping out in the motor pool . " Nearly everyone gave Alyss a look of surprise , except for me . She didn 't look anything like the kind of person who usually worked on cars , but I 'd seen the tool box in her luggage . Only someone who is serious about their work , would bother to bring their own tools like that . " He 's a manifestor , " I explained with a chuckle , thinking of the boy whom I 'd only met last night . " He creates this disgusting green slime , but can control the density and texture , to make it super slimy and slippery , gooey and sticky , or even pretty hard . It 's pretty gross , and to make it worse , it comes out automatically whenever he sneezes … " I nodded at that , knowing that the boy had a heavy duty air filter in his room , just so that he had at least one place where he could relax . " I 'd probably feel sorry for the guy , " I admitted wryly . " If he hadn 't tried to cop a feel five seconds after we met . " Once we finished eating , and remained to chat a little longer , the other … the Poesies returned to their cottage . I watched Alyss leave with Voodude and Breakdown , feeling a little sad that I wasn 't going with them . However , I was beginning to make friends in my new cottage too , so I started back to Hawthorne with Sapphire . Sapphire and I made some small talk as we walked , and I tried to make sense of her . She was an odd girl , as her always present cloak demonstrated , but I was used to odd . In fact , considering who my friends and family were , I wasn 't sure that I 'd know how to have a conversation with a normal person . Some people would probably say that normal and I weren 't exactly on speaking terms . Suddenly , Sapphire stopped . " What ? " I asked , noticing that she was just standing there and staring straight at the snake girl . " Are you okay ? " Instead of answering me , Sapphire pulled her cloak tighter and began to scowl . Then it dawned on me . Sapphire was either afraid of snakes , or just of someone with such severe GSD . A few seconds later , the snake girl slithered away while Caitlin turned and went back into the cottage . Sapphire lowered her head , pulling the hood up and over it so that I couldn 't see her face very clearly . Then , she continued walking into Hawthorne , not saying a word as she went to her room and vanished inside . I stared at Sapphire 's door for a few seconds , wondering if I should knock on it and see if she wanted to talk . However , I didn 't really know her very well and had no idea of what to say . So instead , I went to my own room , pulled out my recipe book , and sat down to read . I sat up in bed and just sat there for a moment with my feet dangling over the edge . The bed was pretty large and roomy , feeling almost like it was a queen or king sized . Ironically , just a couple months ago , I wouldn 't have been able to sleep on it without my feet hanging over the end . At times like this , I couldn 't help but thinking that it was as though the entire world had changed , and not just me . Everything was much larger than before , and everyone . Sometimes , I almost felt like I was in some kind of funhouse . I was relieved to find the showers empty , but not surprised . After all , I had gotten up a little early just so I could beat everyone there . I hadn 't gotten up early just to avoid the line , though that was a nice benefit . The truth was , I wasn 't comfortable showering with all those other girls . Showering with them made me feel like I was some kind of pervert or dirty old man , even if I was now a girl myself , and completely lacking in a libido . Once I was done with my shower , I slipped back into my robe and began the long and boring process of drying my hair . Long hair was a pain in the ass to dry , but I couldn 't just cut it off . For one thing , it really went with the image I was trying to project . And for another , neither my daughter Melanie , nor either of my granddaughters , would ever forgive me if I did . I did momentarily wish that I still had Amy 's hair dryer , because that thing did the job pretty damn fast , but I didn 't bother to dwell on what I didn 't have . After all , if wishes were horses , then everyone would be wearing hip waders . By the time I was fully cleaned , dried , and dressed , the other girls in the hall were starting to get up and head to the showers . I made sure to be out of there before that happened . And fortunately , Martina had already gotten up and was preparing for her shower as well , so I no longer had to worry about waking her . Since I was getting pretty hungry , I decided not to wait for anyone else , and left for breakfast on my own . A short time later , I had a plate full of pancakes and sausage , and even more importantly , a large mug of coffee . Black , of course . I didn 't see anyone that I really knew , so I found a nice empty table and made myself at home . I looked around the table at the four girls who 'd invited themselves to sit by me , and I felt a certain sense of amusement . They reminded me a bit of my granddaughters , especially Kimberly . And that just made me think that if Kimberly ever manifested as a mutant , then she 'd probably be quite a handful . " Actually , it 's my power , " I explained , holding out my hands and creating several brightly colored ribbons , which I dropped onto the middle of the table . The girls quickly grabbed for them , as if they were great new toys . " They only last about a day though , then they disappear … " The girls continued chatting while they ate , and I watched them with some amusement . They were a lot younger than most of the kids in this school , which meant that they didn 't have a lot of kids to play with in their own age group . It was no wonder that they 'd immediately come to join me , since I looked to be about the same age . And admittedly , I kind of liked the idea of having some people around , who were the same size and apparent age as me . For once , I didn 't feel like a midget in comparison . " Watch the attitude , little girl , " Starbright exclaimed . She came over and grabbed my shoulder , in what was probably supposed to be a firm and painful grip . I barely felt it . " I haven 't forgotten that I need to teach you a lesson about respect … " A moment later , I manifested a new dress , right onto Starbright . It was the biggest , poofiest , and most overly frilly dress that I 'd ever made , and to top it off , the whole thing was a bright neon orange . The four girls at my table gaped in surprise , then burst into giggles . I just smirked , because it wasn 't going to come off that easily . In fact , I 'd created the dress tight against her body , not leaving any slits or openings big enough for her to slip through . The only way to get out of that monstrosity , was to cut herself out of it . At this point , not only were the four little girls at my table laughing , so was nearly everyone sitting nearby . Suddenly , Starbright began to glow with bright dazzling lights flashing around her , making her difficult to look at . A moment later , I realized that this was intentional as she ran out of the cafeteria as fast as she could . This was actually quite a change of pace for me . Back in my old life , when I was still Big Al , I had a tendency to solve most of my problems with my fists , or with the threat of using them . Unfortunately , that was no longer an option , not when it would be too easy to seriously hurt someone , and especially not against a child . With a nod , I stood up and walked around the table , touching Ember and forming her dress around her . She let out a loud ' squee ' of delight . Then I did the same for Miranda , Revekah , and Morgan . Miranda and Morgan had similar reactions to Ember , but Morgan seemed somewhat less excited . Before I knew it , the four of them ran off , leaving me at the table by myself . I watched them leave , amused by their delight in something so simple . It reminded me of other days , ones long ago , when Rachael and Melanie had been excited with their new dresses . When I got back to Poe a short time later , I immediately started heading towards my room . However , the moment I stepped into my hallway , I realized that something was wrong . There were rain clouds along the ceiling , with rain pouring down onto the floor . It took me only a couple seconds to realize that the clouds were coming out of the girl 's bathroom and showers . I ran into the bathroom , then froze at the sight in front of me . Downpour was sitting on the floor , in a pool of her own blood . There was a knife on the floor beside her , and a deep gash on the inside of one of her arms . " No , " Breakdown cried out , crouched down beside the bleeding girl . She was frantically tearing at her shirt , trying to tear off a strip of cloth . It took me a moment to realize that she was trying to create a bandage or tourniquet . " You have to , " I insisted , kneeling down beside the girl . " You can 't give up … I don 't know what 's going on , but things will get better . They always do … " " Downpour has severe depression , " Angel said as she pushed past everyone else to get to Downpour 's side . I backed off to give her room . " Her medication doesn 't work on her anymore , not since she manifested … " I stood there for a moment , staring at Downpour and feeling an ache in my heart . How close had Rachael come to doing this herself ? Her own life had been a living hell , for so long that she had to have at least considered ending it all . I didn 't know what demons Downpour was dealing with , but I really felt for the poor kid . I just wished that I knew how to help her . Mrs . Horton began using magic on Downpour , apparently to heal her arm or stabilize her , but I didn 't get a chance to see . While the housemother was working , Angel began shooing the rest of us out of the room . Since we were only getting in the way , I left without argument , and half pulled the other girls out as well . " I 'm pretty sure we got to her in time , " I said , trying to reassure myself as much as the other girls . I looked to Cindy , who 'd been the one to run for help . " You did good . I think you may have just saved her life … Cindy stood there with tears running down her cheeks , though that could have been the rain that was still falling down on us . " I hope so , " she whispered , staring towards the bathroom door with a worried look on her face . " I sure hope so … " I looked around the hallway , noting that half the floor seemed to be showing up now . Along with everyone else who 'd already come , Lexi , Victory , and Christina had arrived as well . They were looking up , obviously concerned about it raining in the hallway . However , after Peacock talked to them for a few seconds , their expressions turned to shock , horror , and concern . " Damn , " I muttered , clenching my fists tightly . It was ironic , that as strong and tough as I 'd become , I still felt helpless to do anything . It was with a grimace of frustration , that I reminded myself of something I 'd already come to realize , " Solid muscles and a wrench can 't fix everything … or even the most important things . " Since there was absolutely nothing I could do , and I didn 't want to get in the way or be a useless lookyloo , I returned to my room . I changed clothes and dried myself off , but what I really wanted to do , was find some asshole to punch . I wanted to kick the crap out of whomever was responsible for this , but I knew it wasn 't that simple . Still , I had to calm myself down , and I knew something that always helped me to relax . A couple minutes later , I was out the door of Poe again , but this time , I wasn 't going anywhere but around the cottage itself . I started walking around to the backside of the building , but paused when I caught a very familiar scent . It only took me a few more seconds before I found the source . Standing right behind the cottage , while casually leaning up against the wall , was the largest girl I 'd ever seen . Compared to me , she was enormous , with bulging muscles , bronzed skin , and fairly short hair , which was actually a metallic gold in color . This was Hippolyta , who 'd been pointed out to me before , though we 'd never actually met . And at that moment , she was puffing away on a cigar . I claimed my own spot on the wall a short distance away , where I leaned back and prepped my cigar . Hippolyta watched me with a look that seemed to be a mixture of curiosity and amusement , though she didn 't say a word . After lighting my cigar , I took a nice pull on it , then blew the smoke out with a certain satisfaction , imagining that all my stress and frustrations were floating away with it . 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The reason that I thought I was mad was because they could have been voices in my head . The reason I thought I wasn 't mad was because I knew the voices didn 't come from inside my head , they came from the things , just like you when I have a conversation , I know your voice comes from you and not from me . Yes , I do see your mouth move , and a piece of litter doesn 't have a mouth to move and I don 't know how it speaks but it does , so there we are . I was out for a walk in the park , I stepped over the packet and it said , " I 'm lonely , " in a small voice . I stopped , looked around , but there was no one else there and anyway , I knew fine well it hadn 't been a person speaking to me . " Excuse me ? " I said . Even the fear of madness doesn 't mean that you have to lose your manners . Understanding that everything that exists is alive in its own way is difficult enough , but being able to speak the language of things makes the world a noisy place . You can tune it out when it 's not directed at you , but it 's always there . Some of it is joyful , when things are what they are and everything is right and itself and in the right place . Sometimes it 's sad though , as you hear things lament as they fade and break and decay , and all things fade and break and decay . That upset me very much at first but you learn to live with it because is no alternative , and besides , all the things are busy thinking the same thing about you . When all of the arranging and burying and crying was done , I knew I needed to get away . It felt like something had changed in my life , that a gear had slipped and suddenly I was going in a very different direction , even if I didn 't yet know what it was . I needed to be away from people , away from phones and condolences and tax forms , so I packed a rucksack and went wandering . Some nights I stayed in pubs or B & Bs , but when I could I made a bivvy out in the open and slept under the arch of the sky , letting the wind blow everything out of my mind . The night it all happened , I had picked the wrong place to camp , too low , too damp , and I was tired of slapping at midges . I packed my rucksack , and decided to head for the higher ground that rose up to the west behind the woods . I could have skirted the woods , but it was the long way round , the moon meant that there was plenty of light to find my way , and I was tired and maybe it wouldn 't have made any difference anyway . I woke up in the morning , lying on the forest floor , and I hurt everywhere I had something to hurt . I checked myself , but couldn 't find any wounds . I checked my rucksack , but nothing was stolen . I wondered if I had simply walked into a branch and concussed myself and imagined it all , but I couldn 't find one . I walked out of the woods , and I sucked in the cool air of early morning , and although I didn 't know why I felt as if my life had jumped track again . I won 't tell you about it , because I cannot put it into words . Everything is ripped from inside you , and forced into new shapes . It hurts beyond belief . But then the changing stops , and you breathe in the air , and you smell a thousand warm , living things , and the hunger is on you and the hunt begins . After the first time , I was sick for days , and it was only a string of family pets that I had taken . After the second time , I thought about suicide , because I loped around a corner , and there he was , and he was probably a good man and maybe he had a family but the hunger was on me and the hunt was in me and didn 't take very long at all . After the third time , I decided it was the way I was , and there was no changing that , and we were all just prey in something else 's food chain , and I would follow my nature until I was caught and killed . I think that I wanted that mercy , because I did not do much to avoid getting caught . In the end though , I was , cornered in an alley full of litter and puddles and beaten with a scaffolding pole until the beast left me and I turned back into what I had been . There was shouts then , amazement and horror , and then they beat me more , just in case , and kept on doing it until darkness flooded my thoughts , and I let it in , never expecting to see light again . But I did . The scientists wanted me , of course , to probe and analyse and sample and attempt to understand something that according to their thinking could not possibly be . But the scientists didn 't have as much money as the entertainment business , so they had to watch from the sidelines and argue theories amongst themselves . The men who captured me were poor and smart , which is a dangerous combination . Rather than take me to the police , they took me to a man who dealt with the tabloids on behalf of celebrities caught doing what they shouldn 't be doing , and he made a phone call to the reality TV impresario and it all rolled out from there . The police sniffed around frustrated , but with no evidence to link me to things that everyone thought I had done which were , by and large , the things I had done . The government made noises about the need for scientific investigation and a Minister called to have me seized but then the tabloids got the hunger and the hunt and when they were done , he was politically dead and the rest of the government pretended that he had never been . I howl and I change once a month , and the rest of the time I live in a ' secure environment ' and I have internet and X - box and chef - prepared food , and it 's only when the moon is about to be full that they stop bringing the food in and start passing it through an elaborate cat - flap . A man who was very religious and who called me an abomination tried to break in one day to kill me . He 'd bought a replica gun which had been converted to a real one , and made his own silver bullet by melting down his mother 's tea service , but the people who own me pay for the very best of security , and he got nowhere near me . He probably has less freedom than I do , now . I shift a lot of merchandising to teenagers , who more than anyone can identify with frightening changes to bodies and impulsive behaviour , but many authors of vampire fiction hate me because that 's now so last year and romances of the wolf are now the big thing . When I change it 's the centrepiece of a live TV production that is syndicated around the world . I thought people might grow bored of me , but that hasn 't happened yet . We have light shows and guest singers and dancers dressed as wolves , and some kind of quiz show element that I don 't really understand , but when the contestants win something they have to howl . I change and the audience gasps and I snarl and charge at the plastic walls , but I can 't get anywhere . Later , when the audience are gone and the cameras are off , they throw chickens and mice into where they keep me , and I eat them but they do not satisfy my hunger , and one day they will make a mistake and I will get out into the audience , and there will be a hunt that day , the last hunt , but the best . He started to reply , but caught the words in his mouth and killed them . They walked along the path in silence . David looked away to the right , at the tall hedge that ran alongside the path , tiny gaps occasionally giving glimpses of the field beyond . Every so often there were little yellow flowers hiding in the twisted branches , brilliant against the green , but he didn 't know what they were called . Occasionally a car passed , the sound eventually swallowed in the background hum of the traffic along the busier roads that led into town . He listened to Jess breathe , hearing anger in every breath . " What ? " But even as he was speaking he followed her outstretched arm , the embroidered cuff of her shirt , the tiny hairs golden against skin , skin deep brown apart from the pale band where she no longer wore the watch he had bought her , her delicate hand , the chipped dark red nail varnish on her pointing finger . The road had grown to four lanes as they walked closer to the town , and dividing the lanes was a raised kerb , straggles of grass , a low metal rail . There was a dark shape half - hidden in the grass . They both squinted across the road . A bus went past , warm air pushing at their faces . They both rocked back on their feet slightly , and she took hold of David 's arm , just above the elbow . " ' Course . Let 's take a look . " He tried to sound calm , in control , the sort of man who would always cross to see what it was . As they crossed the road Jess didn 't let go of his arm , and he was careful to make sure he held it so she wouldn 't need to . It was a dog , a small wiry - haired brown and white terrier , with ears that looked too big for its head . The dog lay with one leg out in front , the leg was bent in a wrong way and the fur was dark and matted . Jess made a noise and her fingers were tight on David 's arm . " It 's OK love , " he said quickly , " it 'll be OK . I 'll get it to a vet and they 'll do something with its leg , and then I 'll find a home for it . I can ring the shelter , they 'll take it when it 's better . It 's OK . " The dog looked up at them without moving its head , its eyes dull . Its side was rising and falling quickly , the breaths coming out in short huffs . There was a faded red leather collar around its neck , but no identity disc , no address , no name . David could hear the tears in her voice , and felt a momentary relief that this time he was not the cause . He shuffled closer to the dog , disgusted at his detached self - interest . His compassion was one of the reasons Jess loved him . Had loved him . " Shit . " David said , jerking his hand away and nearly stepping back into Jess . The dog 's back legs finally found traction in the long grass and it shot away from them and into the road , holding the injured front leg up close to its body , over - sized ears back against its head . The car in the nearest lane missed the dog , the driver braking violently , but the car in the far lane hit it at speed and the dog bounced in a slow , lazy curve through the air and into the field beyond . The car slowed but didn 't stop , and the other driver who had braked looked at David , looked at the motionless dark clump that lay in the field , tried to say a thousand things at once with his face , and drove off . Cars sped past as they stood there in silence . Eventually David muttered something , crossed the road and walked into the field , pausing for a minute to look down at the huddled shape . He reached out a hand , but didn 't touch it . When he was back beside Jess he shook his head , but didn 't say anything , just stared out at the traffic . Miller had never been a lucky man . Raffle tickets for good causes curled and yellowed in a drawer with fading lottery tickets and tattered betting slips . He 'd never been a lucky man , which was why he was surprised when he picked the envelope up off the street and found out that he was a Lucky Winner . The envelope was an unremarkable thing , a non - descript brown oblong . Miller picked it up because if he saw anything interesting on the street he always picked it up . It was one of the ways in which he compensated for not being a lucky man : this was a short - cut , a way of cheating . He wasn 't entering a contest , as such , so perhaps the gods that prevented him benefiting from good fortune would be looking the other way . He wouldn 't even have noticed the envelope if it had been for an incontinent dog . He had just avoided treading in one evil - looking yellow mess , and was walking along the street with his gaze firmly fixed on the pavement , determined to avoid the other piles which appeared at ten foot intervals , when he saw the envelope lying half in the gutter , half on the curb . He looked closely to make sure that it wasn 't resting in any excrement , and then he picked it up . It was unmarked , apart from the words " Important : Open Me " which appeared on the front , in a plain type of a modest size . Miller flexed the envelope in his hands . The contents were thin but firm , like a cheap birthday card . He ran his thumbnail along the top of the envelope and pulled out the contents . It was a ticket , coloured gold and the first thing that he noticed were the words " LUCKY WINNER " . At first he thought that it was junk mail , the sort that began Dear Mr Miller , You Have Won A Hundred Thousand Pounds at the top , and ended by explaining that if you bought some shoddy goods , you might end up in a draw in which you might win a prize of some value as yet unspecified but inevitably less than you had spent in the first place . But the more he read , the more excited he got . This wasn 't junk mail . This was real . You are a Lucky Winner of a new kind of lottery , the ticket read . Money is donated by our corporate sponsors , and once every six months winning tickets are left in public spaces chosen at random . Many of these tickets will go unclaimed , swept into bins or washed down gratings . But the few people who are are observant and curious enough not to pass them by will be rewarded as Lucky Winners and will share in Fantastic Cash Prizes . You are one of these people . Soon , as word gets out , people will be combing the streets for one of these tickets . But you are a Lucky Winner already , and can claim your prize now ! There was an address in the business district and a bar code along one edge of the ticket . Miller started to jiggle from foot to foot with excitement . FHe 'd heard about big companies doing this sort of thing , it was just another way of advertising , a new gimmick that would get people talking , viral marketing . Sports shoe companies , car manufacturers , companies that made best - selling chocolate bars , they 'd all be in on this , soon the whole city would be talking about it and people would be ransacking parks , rummaging through rubbish on the streets , trying to find the Lucky Winner tickets . But he was one of the first . Maybe even the first . Miller stood for a moment on the street , as excited as a child at Christmas , visions of yachts and tanned women and casinos and sports cars whirling in his mind in a dance of luxury and endless pleasure . He looked again at the address on the ticket . He had intended to ask the taxi driver to wait , but on the way he changed his mind . The driver might realise that Miller had just won a fortune and would pester him for a large tip , so he asked the man to let him out when they reached the street . The neighbourhood looked safe enough , unremarkable brick and glass offices , occasional men in suits scuttling between them . He did not need to look again at his winning ticket , the address was in his memory and would stay there as long as he lived . Number 635 , floor A . The door of the building nearest to him belonged to a firm of architects , and was emblazoned with a decorative number one . Miller wished he hadn 't been so hasty in paying the taxi off , and set off down the street . Number 635 was a plain building , no different from the other six hundred and thirty four that Miller had trudged past . A discreet name plate outside indicated that it was the offices of the LW Corporation , but gave nothing else away . Hardly surprising though , Miller thought , why shout about their presence . Might attract all sorts of undesirables . He was surprised though , when the door did not open . Surprised , and annoyed . It was the middle of the week , it was the middle of the day , no business should be shut at this time . He looked around for a bell , but could not see one . Then he realised that under the nameplate , set into the wooden surround , was a metal slot a few millimetres wide . Miller reached into his pocket - stopped , looked around , made sure that nobody was about to mug him - and pulled out the envelope . He took the ticket out , and slid the edge with the bar code on into the slot . There was a faint hum , and then a click , and the door in front of him jerked open a few inches . Miller pushed through it and walked in to a small lobby . There was no desk , and no - one in sight . He stood there for a moment , uncertain . Surely there should be somebody around ? Maybe the receptionist was tending to the needs of another Lucky Winner . He felt an unexpected resentment ; he had wanted to be the first . " Hello ? " he said . " Hello ? " " Hello sir . You must be a lucky winner . " Miller jumped , because the voice came from behind him , and he had not noticed any other doors other than that he had walked through . He relaxed though when he saw the speaker . He was a small man , rather old , and he walked with the sort of stoop that people who spend their lives in service acquire . He could have been a commissionaire , a night porter , an elderly family retainer . His dark suit smelt of mothballs , and when he walked - with a slight limp , Miller noticed - his highly - polished shoes squeaked . " No sir , you hang on to your ticket . Congratulations on your good fortune . You 'll need to come this way sir , if you please . " The old man lead the way to a door on the far side of the lobby . That 's what I 'll do , Miller thought . I 'll have some servants . A man like this , and a fat cook , and a wise gardener , and a silent chauffeur to drive the cars . He reached the door , where the old man stood waiting . I suppose he 's expecting a big tip afterwards , Miller thought . Well he 'll be disappointed , because I 've got next to no money on me . Unless they give you a little bit of the prize in cash . Maybe they do . A few thousand to enjoy straight away , while all the business of banks and investments and trusts is sorted out . The old man opened the door and Miller walked through to a landing at the top of some stairs . The bottom of the stairs was in darkness . Miller began to turn , but he was too late , far too late . The old man shut the door behind him , and Miller heard a click . " Hey ! " Miller shouted . He pushed and rattled at the door , but the lock had engaged . " What the hell is going on ? Are they all out at lunch or something ? I don 't want to wait here . Hey ! " All he heard though , was the a fading squeak of highly polished leather , and then there was nothing . This was an outrage . When he met the directors he 'd make sure that he had the old man sacked . Perhaps they had kept him on past retirement out of sentiment , not realising quite how senile the fellow was getting . Miller pulled the ticket from his pocket again , read both sides as if he were expecting to find something on there that he had missed the other hundred times that he had read it . Nothing about opening hours on there . Nothing about lunchtimes . It struck him that he was being very foolish . The reason that it was dark at the bottom of the stairs was probably that a bulb had just blown , and no - one had realised yet . The reason that the door was locked behind him was obvious too : it was for security . " Of course , " Miller said out loud . " They must give out cash . Excellent . Sensible of them to keep the doors locked then , cash on the premises . " He walked down the stairs , still holding his ticket , squinting as the light from the landing slowly faded behind him . He couldn 't see what was in the room at the bottom of the stairs , but it looked to be quite some size . There was a strange and very unpleasant smell , that he couldn 't place . Perhaps there was a light switch on the wall nearby . He stepped forward into the room , hand fumbling up the wall , but then he slipped on something loose on the floor and fell . He broke his fall with his free hand , still clinging on for dear life to his winning ticket with the other . " What the hell is this ? Nearly broke my neck , paper all over the floor , it 's a disgrace , health and safety would have a fit . " He scooped up a handful of what he had slipped on , and peered at it . He couldn 't see well enough , so he retreated half way up the stairs where the light was better , at one point nearly falling again , when he got his foot tangled in what felt like a bundle of sticks . The smell was becoming unbearable . When he reached the top , he looked at what he had collected from the floor . Then he sat down on the top step , his winning ticket in one hand , half a dozen identical others in the other , all of them battered and torn and stained red , and he started to cry . He had never been a lucky man . |
The reason that I thought I was mad was because they could have been voices in my head . The reason I thought I wasn 't mad was because I knew the voices didn 't come from inside my head , they came from the things , just like you when I have a conversation , I know your voice comes from you and not from me . Yes , I do see your mouth move , and a piece of litter doesn 't have a mouth to move and I don 't know how it speaks but it does , so there we are . I was out for a walk in the park , I stepped over the packet and it said , " I 'm lonely , " in a small voice . I stopped , looked around , but there was no one else there and anyway , I knew fine well it hadn 't been a person speaking to me . " Excuse me ? " I said . Even the fear of madness doesn 't mean that you have to lose your manners . Understanding that everything that exists is alive in its own way is difficult enough , but being able to speak the language of things makes the world a noisy place . You can tune it out when it 's not directed at you , but it 's always there . Some of it is joyful , when things are what they are and everything is right and itself and in the right place . Sometimes it 's sad though , as you hear things lament as they fade and break and decay , and all things fade and break and decay . That upset me very much at first but you learn to live with it because is no alternative , and besides , all the things are busy thinking the same thing about you . When all of the arranging and burying and crying was done , I knew I needed to get away . It felt like something had changed in my life , that a gear had slipped and suddenly I was going in a very different direction , even if I didn 't yet know what it was . I needed to be away from people , away from phones and condolences and tax forms , so I packed a rucksack and went wandering . Some nights I stayed in pubs or B & Bs , but when I could I made a bivvy out in the open and slept under the arch of the sky , letting the wind blow everything out of my mind . The night it all happened , I had picked the wrong place to camp , too low , too damp , and I was tired of slapping at midges . I packed my rucksack , and decided to head for the higher ground that rose up to the west behind the woods . I could have skirted the woods , but it was the long way round , the moon meant that there was plenty of light to find my way , and I was tired and maybe it wouldn 't have made any difference anyway . I woke up in the morning , lying on the forest floor , and I hurt everywhere I had something to hurt . I checked myself , but couldn 't find any wounds . I checked my rucksack , but nothing was stolen . I wondered if I had simply walked into a branch and concussed myself and imagined it all , but I couldn 't find one . I walked out of the woods , and I sucked in the cool air of early morning , and although I didn 't know why I felt as if my life had jumped track again . I won 't tell you about it , because I cannot put it into words . Everything is ripped from inside you , and forced into new shapes . It hurts beyond belief . But then the changing stops , and you breathe in the air , and you smell a thousand warm , living things , and the hunger is on you and the hunt begins . After the first time , I was sick for days , and it was only a string of family pets that I had taken . After the second time , I thought about suicide , because I loped around a corner , and there he was , and he was probably a good man and maybe he had a family but the hunger was on me and the hunt was in me and didn 't take very long at all . After the third time , I decided it was the way I was , and there was no changing that , and we were all just prey in something else 's food chain , and I would follow my nature until I was caught and killed . I think that I wanted that mercy , because I did not do much to avoid getting caught . In the end though , I was , cornered in an alley full of litter and puddles and beaten with a scaffolding pole until the beast left me and I turned back into what I had been . There was shouts then , amazement and horror , and then they beat me more , just in case , and kept on doing it until darkness flooded my thoughts , and I let it in , never expecting to see light again . But I did . The scientists wanted me , of course , to probe and analyse and sample and attempt to understand something that according to their thinking could not possibly be . But the scientists didn 't have as much money as the entertainment business , so they had to watch from the sidelines and argue theories amongst themselves . The men who captured me were poor and smart , which is a dangerous combination . Rather than take me to the police , they took me to a man who dealt with the tabloids on behalf of celebrities caught doing what they shouldn 't be doing , and he made a phone call to the reality TV impresario and it all rolled out from there . The police sniffed around frustrated , but with no evidence to link me to things that everyone thought I had done which were , by and large , the things I had done . The government made noises about the need for scientific investigation and a Minister called to have me seized but then the tabloids got the hunger and the hunt and when they were done , he was politically dead and the rest of the government pretended that he had never been . I howl and I change once a month , and the rest of the time I live in a ' secure environment ' and I have internet and X - box and chef - prepared food , and it 's only when the moon is about to be full that they stop bringing the food in and start passing it through an elaborate cat - flap . A man who was very religious and who called me an abomination tried to break in one day to kill me . He 'd bought a replica gun which had been converted to a real one , and made his own silver bullet by melting down his mother 's tea service , but the people who own me pay for the very best of security , and he got nowhere near me . He probably has less freedom than I do , now . I shift a lot of merchandising to teenagers , who more than anyone can identify with frightening changes to bodies and impulsive behaviour , but many authors of vampire fiction hate me because that 's now so last year and romances of the wolf are now the big thing . When I change it 's the centrepiece of a live TV production that is syndicated around the world . I thought people might grow bored of me , but that hasn 't happened yet . We have light shows and guest singers and dancers dressed as wolves , and some kind of quiz show element that I don 't really understand , but when the contestants win something they have to howl . I change and the audience gasps and I snarl and charge at the plastic walls , but I can 't get anywhere . Later , when the audience are gone and the cameras are off , they throw chickens and mice into where they keep me , and I eat them but they do not satisfy my hunger , and one day they will make a mistake and I will get out into the audience , and there will be a hunt that day , the last hunt , but the best . He started to reply , but caught the words in his mouth and killed them . They walked along the path in silence . David looked away to the right , at the tall hedge that ran alongside the path , tiny gaps occasionally giving glimpses of the field beyond . Every so often there were little yellow flowers hiding in the twisted branches , brilliant against the green , but he didn 't know what they were called . Occasionally a car passed , the sound eventually swallowed in the background hum of the traffic along the busier roads that led into town . He listened to Jess breathe , hearing anger in every breath . " What ? " But even as he was speaking he followed her outstretched arm , the embroidered cuff of her shirt , the tiny hairs golden against skin , skin deep brown apart from the pale band where she no longer wore the watch he had bought her , her delicate hand , the chipped dark red nail varnish on her pointing finger . The road had grown to four lanes as they walked closer to the town , and dividing the lanes was a raised kerb , straggles of grass , a low metal rail . There was a dark shape half - hidden in the grass . They both squinted across the road . A bus went past , warm air pushing at their faces . They both rocked back on their feet slightly , and she took hold of David 's arm , just above the elbow . " ' Course . Let 's take a look . " He tried to sound calm , in control , the sort of man who would always cross to see what it was . As they crossed the road Jess didn 't let go of his arm , and he was careful to make sure he held it so she wouldn 't need to . It was a dog , a small wiry - haired brown and white terrier , with ears that looked too big for its head . The dog lay with one leg out in front , the leg was bent in a wrong way and the fur was dark and matted . Jess made a noise and her fingers were tight on David 's arm . " It 's OK love , " he said quickly , " it 'll be OK . I 'll get it to a vet and they 'll do something with its leg , and then I 'll find a home for it . I can ring the shelter , they 'll take it when it 's better . It 's OK . " The dog looked up at them without moving its head , its eyes dull . Its side was rising and falling quickly , the breaths coming out in short huffs . There was a faded red leather collar around its neck , but no identity disc , no address , no name . David could hear the tears in her voice , and felt a momentary relief that this time he was not the cause . He shuffled closer to the dog , disgusted at his detached self - interest . His compassion was one of the reasons Jess loved him . Had loved him . " Shit . " David said , jerking his hand away and nearly stepping back into Jess . The dog 's back legs finally found traction in the long grass and it shot away from them and into the road , holding the injured front leg up close to its body , over - sized ears back against its head . The car in the nearest lane missed the dog , the driver braking violently , but the car in the far lane hit it at speed and the dog bounced in a slow , lazy curve through the air and into the field beyond . The car slowed but didn 't stop , and the other driver who had braked looked at David , looked at the motionless dark clump that lay in the field , tried to say a thousand things at once with his face , and drove off . Cars sped past as they stood there in silence . Eventually David muttered something , crossed the road and walked into the field , pausing for a minute to look down at the huddled shape . He reached out a hand , but didn 't touch it . When he was back beside Jess he shook his head , but didn 't say anything , just stared out at the traffic . Miller had never been a lucky man . Raffle tickets for good causes curled and yellowed in a drawer with fading lottery tickets and tattered betting slips . He 'd never been a lucky man , which was why he was surprised when he picked the envelope up off the street and found out that he was a Lucky Winner . The envelope was an unremarkable thing , a non - descript brown oblong . Miller picked it up because if he saw anything interesting on the street he always picked it up . It was one of the ways in which he compensated for not being a lucky man : this was a short - cut , a way of cheating . He wasn 't entering a contest , as such , so perhaps the gods that prevented him benefiting from good fortune would be looking the other way . He wouldn 't even have noticed the envelope if it had been for an incontinent dog . He had just avoided treading in one evil - looking yellow mess , and was walking along the street with his gaze firmly fixed on the pavement , determined to avoid the other piles which appeared at ten foot intervals , when he saw the envelope lying half in the gutter , half on the curb . He looked closely to make sure that it wasn 't resting in any excrement , and then he picked it up . It was unmarked , apart from the words " Important : Open Me " which appeared on the front , in a plain type of a modest size . Miller flexed the envelope in his hands . The contents were thin but firm , like a cheap birthday card . He ran his thumbnail along the top of the envelope and pulled out the contents . It was a ticket , coloured gold and the first thing that he noticed were the words " LUCKY WINNER " . At first he thought that it was junk mail , the sort that began Dear Mr Miller , You Have Won A Hundred Thousand Pounds at the top , and ended by explaining that if you bought some shoddy goods , you might end up in a draw in which you might win a prize of some value as yet unspecified but inevitably less than you had spent in the first place . But the more he read , the more excited he got . This wasn 't junk mail . This was real . You are a Lucky Winner of a new kind of lottery , the ticket read . Money is donated by our corporate sponsors , and once every six months winning tickets are left in public spaces chosen at random . Many of these tickets will go unclaimed , swept into bins or washed down gratings . But the few people who are are observant and curious enough not to pass them by will be rewarded as Lucky Winners and will share in Fantastic Cash Prizes . You are one of these people . Soon , as word gets out , people will be combing the streets for one of these tickets . But you are a Lucky Winner already , and can claim your prize now ! There was an address in the business district and a bar code along one edge of the ticket . Miller started to jiggle from foot to foot with excitement . FHe 'd heard about big companies doing this sort of thing , it was just another way of advertising , a new gimmick that would get people talking , viral marketing . Sports shoe companies , car manufacturers , companies that made best - selling chocolate bars , they 'd all be in on this , soon the whole city would be talking about it and people would be ransacking parks , rummaging through rubbish on the streets , trying to find the Lucky Winner tickets . But he was one of the first . Maybe even the first . Miller stood for a moment on the street , as excited as a child at Christmas , visions of yachts and tanned women and casinos and sports cars whirling in his mind in a dance of luxury and endless pleasure . He looked again at the address on the ticket . He had intended to ask the taxi driver to wait , but on the way he changed his mind . The driver might realise that Miller had just won a fortune and would pester him for a large tip , so he asked the man to let him out when they reached the street . The neighbourhood looked safe enough , unremarkable brick and glass offices , occasional men in suits scuttling between them . He did not need to look again at his winning ticket , the address was in his memory and would stay there as long as he lived . Number 635 , floor A . The door of the building nearest to him belonged to a firm of architects , and was emblazoned with a decorative number one . Miller wished he hadn 't been so hasty in paying the taxi off , and set off down the street . Number 635 was a plain building , no different from the other six hundred and thirty four that Miller had trudged past . A discreet name plate outside indicated that it was the offices of the LW Corporation , but gave nothing else away . Hardly surprising though , Miller thought , why shout about their presence . Might attract all sorts of undesirables . He was surprised though , when the door did not open . Surprised , and annoyed . It was the middle of the week , it was the middle of the day , no business should be shut at this time . He looked around for a bell , but could not see one . Then he realised that under the nameplate , set into the wooden surround , was a metal slot a few millimetres wide . Miller reached into his pocket - stopped , looked around , made sure that nobody was about to mug him - and pulled out the envelope . He took the ticket out , and slid the edge with the bar code on into the slot . There was a faint hum , and then a click , and the door in front of him jerked open a few inches . Miller pushed through it and walked in to a small lobby . There was no desk , and no - one in sight . He stood there for a moment , uncertain . Surely there should be somebody around ? Maybe the receptionist was tending to the needs of another Lucky Winner . He felt an unexpected resentment ; he had wanted to be the first . " Hello ? " he said . " Hello ? " " Hello sir . You must be a lucky winner . " Miller jumped , because the voice came from behind him , and he had not noticed any other doors other than that he had walked through . He relaxed though when he saw the speaker . He was a small man , rather old , and he walked with the sort of stoop that people who spend their lives in service acquire . He could have been a commissionaire , a night porter , an elderly family retainer . His dark suit smelt of mothballs , and when he walked - with a slight limp , Miller noticed - his highly - polished shoes squeaked . " No sir , you hang on to your ticket . Congratulations on your good fortune . You 'll need to come this way sir , if you please . " The old man lead the way to a door on the far side of the lobby . That 's what I 'll do , Miller thought . I 'll have some servants . A man like this , and a fat cook , and a wise gardener , and a silent chauffeur to drive the cars . He reached the door , where the old man stood waiting . I suppose he 's expecting a big tip afterwards , Miller thought . Well he 'll be disappointed , because I 've got next to no money on me . Unless they give you a little bit of the prize in cash . Maybe they do . A few thousand to enjoy straight away , while all the business of banks and investments and trusts is sorted out . The old man opened the door and Miller walked through to a landing at the top of some stairs . The bottom of the stairs was in darkness . Miller began to turn , but he was too late , far too late . The old man shut the door behind him , and Miller heard a click . " Hey ! " Miller shouted . He pushed and rattled at the door , but the lock had engaged . " What the hell is going on ? Are they all out at lunch or something ? I don 't want to wait here . Hey ! " All he heard though , was the a fading squeak of highly polished leather , and then there was nothing . This was an outrage . When he met the directors he 'd make sure that he had the old man sacked . Perhaps they had kept him on past retirement out of sentiment , not realising quite how senile the fellow was getting . Miller pulled the ticket from his pocket again , read both sides as if he were expecting to find something on there that he had missed the other hundred times that he had read it . Nothing about opening hours on there . Nothing about lunchtimes . It struck him that he was being very foolish . The reason that it was dark at the bottom of the stairs was probably that a bulb had just blown , and no - one had realised yet . The reason that the door was locked behind him was obvious too : it was for security . " Of course , " Miller said out loud . " They must give out cash . Excellent . Sensible of them to keep the doors locked then , cash on the premises . " He walked down the stairs , still holding his ticket , squinting as the light from the landing slowly faded behind him . He couldn 't see what was in the room at the bottom of the stairs , but it looked to be quite some size . There was a strange and very unpleasant smell , that he couldn 't place . Perhaps there was a light switch on the wall nearby . He stepped forward into the room , hand fumbling up the wall , but then he slipped on something loose on the floor and fell . He broke his fall with his free hand , still clinging on for dear life to his winning ticket with the other . " What the hell is this ? Nearly broke my neck , paper all over the floor , it 's a disgrace , health and safety would have a fit . " He scooped up a handful of what he had slipped on , and peered at it . He couldn 't see well enough , so he retreated half way up the stairs where the light was better , at one point nearly falling again , when he got his foot tangled in what felt like a bundle of sticks . The smell was becoming unbearable . When he reached the top , he looked at what he had collected from the floor . Then he sat down on the top step , his winning ticket in one hand , half a dozen identical others in the other , all of them battered and torn and stained red , and he started to cry . He had never been a lucky man . |
Tagsconflict of interest , desert story , fiction , guilt , help a friend , infidelity , IRS , joshua tree , sexual morals , short story , sunsets , Under the table Arthur Penbroke enjoyed a life of semi - reclusion in Joshua Tree where he was employed under the table . He worked with and oversaw the landscaping and maintenance crew at a retreat center on the east end of town . The center hosted various events , mostly , but not entirely restrictive to , spiritual or religious - minded groups . As a legal American he didn 't need to be paid this way , and he knew that this form of pay was illegal . He lived in a cabin that he 'd been remodeling over time . His art was writing and he 'd been working on a novel : a " desert noir " involving a well - known musician hiding out in a secluded vacation rental recording an album by himself . Arthur stood in the doorway of the office building and looked back at the plump , middle - aged woman seated at her desk . He was surprised to have heard her . She had a meek voice and may have been embarrassed by it because she rarely spoke up . " You know what for ? " he asked . A year or so before Arthur and Susan had briefly carried on an affair while she was separated from her husband Jim , but they had dissolved the relationship amicably when her marriage soon reconciled . They remained professional in their work environment , although sometimes they 'd slipped into flirtatious talk . Often this left Arthur feeling a bit guilty , especially whenever Jim stopped by the office , dropping off supplies from Costco or bringing her something she 'd left at their home down in Palm Springs . Arthur was sure that Jim never knew and he couldn 't imagine the shame he 'd feel if Jim ever found out . In the office Arthur usually tried to keep space between him and Susan , which was hard because she was the one who told him what to work on each day . Presently , he was hoping this meeting would be routine and formal . It was Friday and he wanted to grab a beer with Charles after work or something . Margaret looked back up from her computer screen . " No . She just wanted me to let you know . " She shrugged to him , looked back to her screen , and then pointed behind her . " You can go in now . " He looked in the office candy jar for a Tootsie - Roll but none were left . Walking toward Susan 's office , he sighed loudly . This could go one of many ways . Susan was unpredictable . Margaret looked up at him , but she didn 't say anything . Susan 's back was to him when he walked in . Her desk was covered with pens and all sorts of paperwork : stacks of applications ; folders filled with files on who - knows - what ; a few tattered spiral notebooks ; and a single piece of paper , folded as if from an envelope , lying over the face of her computer 's keyboard . There was also a plastic tray with her lunch leftovers ( unfinished corncob , beet stains , and a picked - at salad ) splayed across it . He looked at her long , curling , black hair . She turned around and met him with a pleasant smile . On some days you could see the forty - plus years in her face , but Arthur found her looking softer , that old tease he knew within her eyes . " Not a bad week in all , really . We 've gotten that water leak in Topaz Hall fixed and everything cleaned up from it . " He sat down in a chair before her desk . " Charles trimmed back the trees in front of Emerald and Juan did an insect spray over there - " " Why didn 't he have it done ? I swear Art , if they aren 't listening to you - and I know they aren 't listening to me - how are we going to get things done ? " Her telephone began to ring , but she ignored it , moving in closer to him . " I 've got a meeting with the board members next week . They want to see progress before allowing us another loan . " She moved back , again relaxing in her chair . " Don 't worry . It wasn 't his fault , I happened to beat him to it . " He wiped his brow and pulled on the front of his shirt to cool himself . She kept a candle burning on her desk at all times , and it always smelled like an exotic rainforest . An oscillating fan also stood behind her chair next to the lamp , but he 'd never seen it on . " I 'm glad to have you working for us . You know that . " She stood up , leaned toward him . " But you also know I like to have things done my way . " She walked around the desk to the other side of Arthur . He turned his head to face her behind him . " You know I know you do . " He paused , wetting his lips . Then he quickly realized she may have misread this gesture as a flirt . " Look , it 's not like these guys are doing bad work . Everyone gets a little lazy after a long day . They 're working a small under - the - table job and I 'm not sure they take most of our clientele seriously . " " Perfect . Why you 're here . We got a letter today about undocumented workers . Basically we 've got to tighten ship and legally account for all workers . " Slightly snickering , she turned his head forward and began rubbing his shoulders with her small , yet strong , hands . It felt great , he had no idea where this was going and wasn 't sure he was up to finding out . His entire body quickly tensed up under her fingers . He jerked his body away from her hands and turned back to face her . " What 's with you ? " asked Susan . She was frowning , and it was pouty . It made Arthur worried that she had some sort of intentions he wasn 't grasping . " Something 's up . " " I mean that I need you and your crew to have legal documentation , social security , what - have - you , to Amanda . Fill out your W - 2 's . All within two weeks at the latest . " Her face was red , but she couldn 't hold her smile back when she tried to be serious . Her eyes glowed . " We could get in big trouble here . I cannot lose our non - profit status . " She returned to her chair and picked at the papers on the desk . " I 'm not even sure how many of our guys are legal . " He looked down to the floor and ran his hands up and down his face . " Where else are they going to be able to find work ? Those guys are assets to this place . They work hard - " " You just got done telling me that they 're lazy . I don 't want to have to tolerate that . If they aren 't legal , then I 've been doing them a huge favor and , sadly for them , the favors run out . " " I didn 't mean to be so off - putting . I 'm sorry . " He flashed a smile meant to be coy ; a calm look filled her face . " Is there some way you can move these guys around this paper trail ? " " You 're my most important man , " she said . The red in her face was a blush now . She hesitated , as if considering what to say next . " I can try to make something work - for you - but if I can 't , I 'm going to have to let those guys go . In the instance that this does work , it 'll only be a few . One or two . " " Now of course , I mean that in all aspects , ' my most important man ' " she said . " Jim 's in L . A . and I 'm staying on site this weekend . You 're not on call . " She reached to touch his shoulder once more . " If you have any trouble you can call anyway , " Arthur said , rising from the chair . He was ready to make his exit . " Nothing much planned this weekend . Reading . Maybe go for a hike . " He looked at the clock on the wall . It read 5 : 26 . " I told Charles I 'd give him a ride home . He 's waiting out there . I 'll call you later this evening . We can talk more . But not here , you know that . " He turned to leave , but then looked back to her once more . " I feel guilty enough . " He walked out of the office and into the retreat center 's bookstore . Charles was sitting on the bench outside the French doors of the entrance , tearing the rubber away from the sole of his shoes . Arthur opened the door . He could smell the scent of wet creosote bushes . " C ' mon , let 's get out of here , " he said . Before moving to the desert Arthur spent a few years in Los Angeles . He had meant to begin a burgeoning singer / songwriter career , but he ended up waiting tables and playing a few open mics to near - empty rooms . The whole thing ended up being more stressful than he was willing to risk . The city life was overbearing on his nerves , and he could never attain a grasp on its pace and energy . After many sleepless nights trying to juggle everything the idea of fame grew weak - willed and he turned to writing fiction at home . Some friends from L . A . who were into rock climbing had taken him out to Joshua Tree on one of their trips , and soon after he was making solo camping trips , getting better acquainted with the area and some of the community , which he found rich and thriving . He loved the openness , the vastness , the feeling of nature confronting you one on one . At night the sun would set into the San Bernardino Mountains , blending deep reds and purples across the entire sky . He listened as silence blanketed the night like the stars above . His writing , at the same time , had begun to make new turns ; he felt that the desert had helped him reach a clarity . On a bulletin board outside a coffee shop he found an ad for the small cabin for rent - to - own on the north side of town . Like a studio apartment , the cabin itself consisted of just one large room . There was an attached bathroom just outside the back door . It sat near the center of a five - acre lot on the north side of town . The nearest neighbor was nearly half a mile down the dirt road . Soon he had gotten the job at the retreat center and had made new friends like Charles . Charles was in his mid - twenties , a few years younger than Arthur . He lived with his girlfriend and their infant daughter at his parents ' house on the south side of town , not far from the entrance to the national park . Charles had been hired about a year before , around the time Arthur had been promoted to head of the crew . He was the first man that Arthur got to really work hands - on with in the training . Every once and a while they 'd go on weekend excursions with a couple other guys , camping and climbing . Charles ' car was in the shop , so Arthur was taking his friend back and forth to work . They lived on the opposite sides of town , but he didn 't mind . He was more worried for Charles ' job . They got in Arthur 's old diesel Volvo and headed down the highway . The sun was glaring in the sky behind them as they rolled past the light into downtown Joshua Tree . The air conditioning didn 't work too well , so they had their windows down ; the breeze of the desert air cooled them as it filled the entire car . " You want to grab a beer at the Saloon ? " asked Arthur over the sound of the wind . " I 've got get home . The old man is cooking up a storm tonight . Eat with us if you don 't have anything going on . " " Nothing planned so far . " Arthur remembered his boss . " Susan wants me to call her to discuss . . . things . I may go home and try to settle that out . " " I don 't know what 's going on . " Arthur maintained his focus on the long , winding road that took them closer to the park . " Look , " he started . He explained to Charles not only about the W - 2 forms for Amanda and how the payment at work was going to change , but how he was trying to work with Susan to get around it . " I 'll figure out something , " Arthur said . He was trying to calm his friend , but he wasn 't really sure if he could fix this . He wasn 't an accountant , and he didn 't know if he could bring it to himself to use Susan . Of course she 'd come on to him , but it wasn 't right to sleep with her , especially with her marriage back together . What a mess . " Yeah , yeah , " said Arthur . He let up his focus and looked over to his friend . " Who said anything about regret anyway ? " Arthur tried to force a smile , though he felt that his attempt was read as half - hearted . They bounced down the bumpy dirt road listening to the local rock radio station . It was a mile or so before they got up to Charles ' family 's property . The driveway was marked with a handmade sign reading Juarez . The house was in the center of the yard and had many multi - colored additions that had been added throughout the years . The sides of the house consisted of scattered chicken coops , rusting children 's bicycles and old tires , random sheets of metal and pieces of rotting lumber . A low wooden fence , which met with a boulder - covered hill back behind the house , surrounded the perimeter of the yard . A few old cars , none of which appeared to be operational , dotted the yard . There was smoke rising from the backyard , and it smelled like barbeque pork . Charles got out of the car and leaned through the open window . " Are you sure that you don 't want to stay ? There 's more than enough to eat . " Sometimes he felt Susan used her sexuality and their past over him . While they had cordially agreed to move on , she never really turned down the flirting . Maybe it was a part of her personality , but she seemed to enjoy making Arthur feel excessively awkward in the presence of Jim . Once Jim had stopped Arthur in the office and made small talk with him about sports , stock portfolios , golf tips , things Arthur had no interest in . It seemed to go on forever . In the background , Susan , noticing Arthur stuck in the loathsome loop , began to lick her lips and touch over her body , teasing him right behind her own husband 's back . Arthur feigned having to use the restroom to escape the situation . He had waited in the men 's room until he no longer heard Jim 's voice and promptly exited the building . It had been well over a year since they had ended the affair . He had to admit to himself that he was still attracted to her . Besides the sex , she was actually someone he could talk to , a rarity . They used to watch sunsets , talking about literature and art . She 'd helped him a lot with his book . Arthur didn 't really like to talk about his work with many people , but Susan was someone he trusted . She had good feedback and encouraged him to make the leaps that he 'd felt he 'd made in his writing since he 'd come to Joshua Tree . She understood his sense of satire , and he was able to learn things he 'd never imagined , not just sexually . Still , he hated the thought of ruining a marriage , and he liked Jim . The guy might have been dull and , most likely , a hardcore conservative , but he didn 't want to break his heart . As Arthur entered his home a rush of warm air pushed him back . He 'd forgotten to leave a window cracked . Leaving the front door open , he quickly moved about pulling up blinds and unlatching windows . A short dresser nearly six feet long stood near the entrance . There was an old record player , a pair of speakers in wooden cabinets , and a row of lined up record 's on top of it . Arthur 's bed , on the opposite side of the room , was covered with climbing gear and his folded laundry . He flipped through the LPs and pulled out Mingus Ah Um . After looking over the back cover for a minute or so he placed the vinyl down on the turntable . Music filled the room , and he moved to the kitchen area . There were a few worn , wooden cabinets , a sink , and an old , small white stove next to its matching refrigerator . From the fridge he retrieved a bottle of Tanqueray , a two - liter bottle of store - brand tonic water , and some ice from its upper compartment . He cut up a small lime that had been lying on the counter . Grabbing the cordless from the wall , he went back out to his front porch , which was shrouded in the shade of the structure . He sat in the comfy reclining chair he 'd bought at a thrift store down in town . The tag in the store read twenty - five dollars , which was fine with Arthur , but when the guy at the counter rang him up , he was informed that there was a sale going on and it was only ten . Arthur felt bad getting the chair for cheaper , because he knew the money from the store went to different charities , and insisted that he pay the full , marked price . He set his drink on the table beside him and decided to give Susan a call . When she didn 't answer he figured she was probably still in the office . So he called Charles . When Charles answered he sounded like he 'd already had a few drinks himself . " Becky says you can 't come back over unless you bang Susan for my job . " He laughed loudly into the phone . " I 'm having a drink on the porch . " He grabbed the glass and took a sip . " Tried to call Susan . No Answer . " He fixed the phone between his head and shoulder , stood up , and fluffed the cushion of the chair out . " I don 't know what to do . I don 't even know if she 's so shallow that she 'll trade sex for this . I almost hope not , in a way . " " Shit . " Charles ' voice rose through the phone , creating static in the line as he spoke , but it was a voice full of anxiety , not anger . " You made it seem like she 's just dangling it in front of you . " " What would that make me for taking it ? " Arthur walked out into the fleeting evening sunlight , looked up at the sky . A few light clouds hung to the south . He tilted the glass back to his mouth until there were only cubes . " She 's fickle . " " Hell man , you 'll figure it out . Why don 't you come on over ? There 's still plenty of food , plenty of drinks . " Arthur hung up the phone and made another drink . The side of the record had ended , but instead of flipping it over , he pulled out another one and put its side - B on . While he made himself the drink he laughed about Becky 's supposed suggestion to " bang Susan " . Sitting down with his drink at his small kitchen table , he tried to remember the last time he 'd had sex and he remembered Jessie . Arthur had met Jessie down at the Joshua Tree Saloon , not long after the tryst with Susan had ended . Jessie was twenty - one versus Arthur 's thirty , an age difference that was of concern to him at the time . He must have been suppressing the fact there was a wider gap between Susan and himself . The sex was alright and she was as stunning as any guy would hope for in a girl her age , but , looking back , it was too soon after Susan . Susan was better for him in so many ways . Jessie couldn 't stimulate him intellectually . He never even told her he was a writer for fear of what mass marketed trash she 'd come to associate him with just out of pure ignorance . She only seemed concerned with text message conversations and gossip - talk about people he didn 't know . Not long after the last time they 'd had sex , Arthur came to sort of realization of how inexperienced she was for him , and , over her sobbing , that 's how he had , maturely , tried to explain it to her . He hadn 't slept with anyone since . " I saw that you called . " It was Susan . She sounded as bubbly as ever . " Called you back as soon as I noticed . Didn 't want to miss you . " He imagined her on the other end , twirling her hair around her finger like a high school girl . " I told you I 'd call . " The gin had lightened him up . " What are you up to ? " He heard her sigh . She sounded as if the phone was against her lips . He sat down into the soft chair on the porch , sinking into it . " Working late on a Friday ? Don 't you ever quit early ? " " I figure I owe you one , " she said . " The thing is , though , we can probably only save one guy . Maybe two , but I wouldn 't count on it the way the bookstore sells . " " Thank you for even trying . " Arthur stood up and let out a big breath of air . He told her that he knew that Charles didn 't have documentation and that if he had any choice in the decision , he wanted Charles to keep his job . He reminded her about Becky and their child he was trying to support . She agreed to keep Charles for as long as she could keep up the ruse . The board could never know anything about it , and if anything came up he 'd have to go . " I don 't want you to feel like you have to do anything , though , " he said . " Don 't worry about . I want you here . I 'm already making your drink . " He shook his own drink for her to hear the ice clinking . " If you 're not here soon enough , I 'm going to have to drink it myself . " Arthur walked back inside . He cleared his laundry off of the bed , putting it all where it belonged . Then he made the bed . He cleaned some dishes that had been left in the sink and prepared the drink he 'd claimed to already be making , along with another for himself . After closing the blinds throughout the house , he lit a few candles on the dresser and walked back outside with both drinks and waited for Susan to come . Tagscute kid 's story , desert fiction , funny story , joshua tree , kid fiction , mojave , short story , summertime , young love From a drawer in Grandma 's kitchen I grabbed a pair of scissors and began cutting out a Family Circus from the Sunday funnies . Jeffy , the boy in the cartoon , had traveled throughout his entire neighborhood ; his entire path , including loops and other wild turns through clotheslines , tree houses , over fences , doghouses , and car hoods , was marked with dotted lines . After I finished cutting out the comic , I showed the comic to cousin Tom who was flipping through the Calendar section . " We do that stuff all the time in Colorado , " said Tom . Then he shot up and walked to the window in the living room where he seemed to be examining the neighborhood . " Yeah . I bet we could do it here . We 'll need Ivan to help plan it out . " I joined Tom at the window . We were both eleven , the fourth summer we spent together at Grandma Ethel 's house in Joshua Tree . Mom said us kids were good company for Grandma and that it gave me something to do all summer . Not much seemed to change from year to year , only little things like I was a little taller than him this year , a pretty girl about my age had moved in next door with her family , and the old people down the street with all the dogs seemed to have even more in the yard . The girl was what I thought about the most . Tom had spent the last few weeks talking about his girlfriend back in Colorado and I wanted to have my first girlfriend . Around the corner from Grandma Ethel 's house was where Uncle Bob and Aunt Jane and Ivan and Vicki , more cousins , lived . Vicki was older than all of us and we rarely saw her that summer , but Ivan was a few years younger than Tom and I and offered us most of the fun available in the desert . Everyday I hoped that I 'd see that girl and go talk to her , but Tom and Ivan kept me distracted with big projects or games and toys and TV . Grandma Ethel 's house had a huge satellite dish that picked up hundreds of channels , but at Ivan 's house they only got a few channels that Uncle Bob picked up on the antenna . I could see the antenna on my uncle 's roof from the window in Grandma 's living room . Tom turned from the window . " Aunt Jane will to drop him off after they have church . " He grinned this evil smirk he seemed to have developed over the last year . It reminded me of a bad guy from a Batman comic book . I think that 's where Tom got it from . He acted tough , but I 'd seen him cry before . " He has to do church every Sunday like a good wimp . " I went down the hall to ask Grandma about Ivan but she wasn 't sure when he 'd arrive . Her room smelled like the school library and she was watching a soap opera . It always smelled like that and she was always tucked back there watching something on TV . When I returned to the living room Tom was sprawled across the couch watching cartoons . I sat in the empty recliner , Grandma 's seat , and extended the footrest out . " Ivan 's supposed to be here in ten minutes , " I told him , guessing . I took a quick glance out the window , thought I saw someone coming down the street . Tom didn 't reply . He continued watching the screen , laughing at the appropriate moments . After a few minutes without any response , I spoke again . " Did you hear me ? I said Ivan should be here soon . " " The dotted lines , " he said . " You said it 'd be fun . Let 's do it . I was thinking you stay here and try to figure out how to get other kids around here to come do it too . " " Make a game of it , a race , " said Tom . He explained that he and Ivan could draw maps of the surrounding yards and then go out and find obstacles that they could jump over or use as landmarks for turns and whatnot , just like Jeffy in the comic . It sounded like the fun part but he wanted me to stay inside in order to , as he said , " rally the troops . " He was getting in over his head again . I was beginning to understand what he was getting at when I noticed Aunt Jane 's car in the driveway . I rushed out of the chair and to the front door just as she opened it from the outside . The kid was easily distracted , especially when hanging out with the two of us . He was always in a great mood and wouldn 't let anyone bring him down . It seemed like Ivan enjoyed having been born and raised in the desert . But we , especially Tom , often teased him for living in the middle of nowhere ; we were both from crowded neighborhoods with paved roads and stop signs . Ivan liked to play out in the huge dirt yard that Uncle Bob had , covered with Joshua trees and weeds and holes that we liked to dig in the sand sometimes . When Ivan was inside he played with Legos , always . The kid loved Legos . As usual , Ivan seemed to treat Tom 's sneering like a friendly handshake and just continued watching with a smile on his face . " What do you guys want to do today ? I can bring over my Legos . " " Hey Ivan , " I said . " When you were talking to Lydia out there , did she … " I started whispering . " Did she mention me at all ? " Ivan looked baffled . " Her mom is my mom 's friend . Sometimes we go over there and they talk a lot . We get to play her Nintendo games though . " " I guess so , " he said . He looked down at his tiny red sneakers and then he broke out with energy again . " Hey , you should go talk to her sometime . She 's real nice . " I heard Tom calling me . After waving Ivan on toward Grandma 's room I returned to the living room and we watched the cartoons . I wanted to ask Tom why I couldn 't go out with them to scope out the obstacle course , but I didn 't want to get him started . Whenever he had a plan going he would be grumpy to anyone who asked too many questions . Soon Ivan came back saying the two of them could go outside . I told them I was to stick around and draw . Since I was staying at the house I got to thinking that maybe I would see Lydia out the window and I could go talk to her like Ivan said . He and Tom collected some pieces of paper and pencils . As they left the house into the hot , bright day , I could hear Tom explaining his plan to Ivan , including an insult about the Family Circus . I wondered why Tom had to be so cruel sometimes . Sometime that afternoon Tom came back and took me into the bedroom we shared . He lightly closed the door behind him as if not to wake Grandma , who was napping in the next room . Tom asked me to close the blinds that I was standing near and peering out of . I accidently dropped them pretty fast , and Tom , looking busy preparing papers , sitting on the messy bed , must have heard the crash of the blinds against the sill . Now Tom was staring over toward the window . Harper turned to see what he was looking at . Daylight bled through the blinds , causing shadows to move across the room as cars drove by outside . Perhaps a car pulled into the house next door . " Well , get over here and let 's get to business , " he said . I looked down at the dark carpeted floor and moped over . I sat at the foot of the bed , opposite Tom , trying not to make eye contact . I could 've really cared less . First they wouldn 't let me go help them and now he was bossing me around . Putting a pillow between me and the wall , I made myself as comfortable as possible . Tom flipped through some pages marked up with words , numbers , shapes , dotted lines , and some little symbols that I couldn 't quite make out as anything with which I was familiar . The ceiling fan squeaked as it spun at a low speed . I slid off the bed , walked back to the window . I pulled the blinds back from the window a little and peered out . Without looking up , Tom continued speaking . " The trials ? Tonight if you can find us a flashlight . Have you found others to help ? Remember . That 's your job . Or you and Ivan . " Still looking out the window , I finally saw her . It was Lydia and her father . Her long , blonde hair fell just past her shoulders onto a blue dress . Her father wore a fancy - looking suit , but he had an angry look on his face . Every time I 'd seen him , in fact , his face looked as if he were mad . They walked from the front yard to the back yard , and as she passed through their wooden gate , I thought that she made eye contact with me . Just as I watched their gate close , I realized that Tom was standing right behind me and had been speaking to me . Lydia 's cheeks quickly flushed with a light cherry color and she quickly looked down to her twitching feet . " I always see you waving to me , " she said . " But you never come talk . " When she looked back up at me I noticed her eyes . They looked like the pale blue sky behind her was showing right through her head . I 'd never seen eyes so remarkable . From her yard , I heard her mother screaming for her and the chug of a car starting . Her mother was often yelling ; you could hear her out in the street all the time . " See you later , squirt . Don 't ruin those tunnels before I get to see them . " She left . When her parents ' car pulled out of the driveway she smiled and waved to us . Ivan , seemingly oblivious to anything else , continued playing in the dirt . " I already showed him around the neighborhood . He told me he had important paperwork to do and that I was too little to understand and that I 'd better just play with my Hot Wheels , " he said . " So I did . " " I don 't get what the big deal is . I always talk to anyone I want to even though sometimes my mom says not to talk to people we don 't know . I don 't know why talking to them is bad . And sometimes I forget who we know and don 't know . A lot of people look alike . " I got down and helped him dig some more tunnels and he told me about some other kids in the neighborhood that we could get to run Tom 's obstacle course . There was Brenton Trevor , this kid three streets down that had a house with a lot of old tires out front ; and Nick Taylor , a boy that had his left arm in a bright green cast all summer and whose dog always followed him around everywhere he went ; Kenny Wallace still sucked his thumb and was hard to keep attentive . Ivan said he 'd ask his dad if there were more kids in the neighborhood that he was forgetting . " It 's almost dinner time though , " he said . " We won 't be able to talk to them now . " Over the next few days Tom kept showing newer and newer maps with the path marked by dotted lines that he had been developing . Each map became more detailed as each path became more complicated . It was far beyond Family Circus at this point , but the spirit , I supposed , was there . Whenever I thought he was finally going to move on to something else there would be a new map or Tom and Ivan would return from another surveying trip through the neighborhood . Meanwhile I had been on the lookout for Lydia , having finally come up with the courage to try to talk to her again . It always seemed like no one was home over there , and when they were she never came outside . Ivan and I went out Wednesday and Thursday , trying to find kids around the nearest six blocks or so . We mostly walked through the desert , play sword fighting with sticks we 'd found . On Thursday I brought an old golf club I 'd found in Grandma 's garage and used it as a hiking cane . Ivan and I would take turns hitting the fallen seeds from Joshua trees with it , watching the pieces scatter across the desert . We found Nick Taylor and his small dog walking out there and told him about Tom 's plan . The dog kept jumping up on Ivan , so he stood back a few yards from us where the dog wouldn 't go . I 'd never met Nick before , but he seemed alright . He agreed to do the obstacle course and knew some other kids that might want to do it too . He lived next to Kenny Wallace and would send the message over to him as well . We told him it would happen on Saturday at eleven in the morning beginning at our grandmother 's yard . It was getting dark when Uncle Bob gave me a ride back over to grandma 's house and I found Tom on the couch watching cartoons in the living room . He was playing a game where he responded to whatever characters on the screen were saying out loud . It was funny for a while , but then it started to get annoying when he wouldn 't let up . A little while later grandma made us dinner . After that he was normal , but he didn 't talk about the course at all . We played a game of Monopoly . Ivan was supposed to come over , but he never arrived . Tom got really mad when I won the game after about three hours of play . He talked a lot about his girlfriend in Colorado , but he never said her name . He said he had a show box at home full of letters that she 'd written to him in class . After he 'd gone on so long I began to wonder if there really was a girlfriend or if he was just pulling bull on me to look cooler . I wouldn 't put it past Tom to have had a girlfriend before me though . If I would have accused him of lying he 'd have been madder than losing a long game of Monopoly , and if I had mentioned Lydia he 'd have just made fun of me somehow . So I just let him tell his stories whether they were real or not . He was still up when I went to sleep , sitting at the little desk with the small lamp on . I 'm not sure what he was working on . This was the third night he 'd stayed up past me like this . It rained the next day and I spent most of the day watching TV . In the afternoon Tom finally presented to me the official map and path of his obstacle course . " Ivan and I ran through it today . You see here … " He pointed to a back yard on the map . " That 's the McKenzie 's slide . They have a loose board in their fence here and if you pull it back you can go through and then go up and down the slide and run along the house to the front yard and cross the street … " I had to admit I was impressed . That night we went to sleep at the same time and Tom whispered to me in the dark . " I really wanted to do something fun this summer . We haven 't done anything but watch TV . When you cut out that comic and I got that idea , I don 't know , I just think it would be great . " He may have said more , but I fell asleep before I could hear him say anything else . When I woke the next morning I was alone in the room . The blinds had been pulled up , revealing a cloudy day outside . After rubbing my eyes a few times I noticed Tom outside in the dirt driveway with Ivan . Tom clutched his paperwork while Ivan was carrying his tub of Legos . Ivan stopped whatever he was doing and waved to me with a wide toothy grin . Tom then began to pull him down the road , out of view . I was about to open the front door when Tom came barging through it . " Way to sleep in . I opened the blinds hoping it would wake you . It 's nine o ' clock . Are these kids going to be here or what ? " I didn 't except Tom to be acting like this . " This thing 's not ' til eleven , " I said . What 's your hurry ? " " No hurry . It just seems like no one wants to work with me . You just woke up and Ivan came over with his Legos wanting to play , " said Tom . " But I 've got him going over the course now , making sure it 's all in place . " He pushed past me , walking further into the house toward our room and then he turned back . " Just make sure those kids show up and that they 're ready in time . " At about 10 : 45 a bunch of boys , lead by Nick and his dog , started showing up in Grandma Ethel 's front yard , just as I 'd promised Tom . After a while there were fifteen or so kids standing around , kicking their feet into the ground . Some of them began to wrestle and yell out , getting louder and louder as if to drown out the others . Dust was flying everywhere . Tom hadn 't come out of the house yet when I saw Lydia over in her yard with her dog on a leash . I looked around at all these kids and decided that it wouldn 't hurt to just step over to the next yard . Besides , Tom had asked me to have those kids ready . They were ready . When I approached Lydia I immediately tried to speak , but my voice came out a stammer . " H - hi . How ar - are y - you ? . " My cheeks must have instantly brightened . " My cousin Tom is planning an obstacle course . " I looked at her hair . It curled at the ends and seemed to float as a breeze swept between us . " I 'm walking my dog . I 'm not allowed to go further than just down there . " She pointed her finger down a few blocks . " Do you want to walk with me ? " I looked at her and then down to her little brown dog and then back over to the crowd of boys , who were now wrestling and climbing all over each other , loudly of course , all the more wildly . I knew I was supposed to be helping Tom , but at that same moment I saw Tom walking up from the house to all those kids . " Yeah . Tom 'll take care of them . He doesn 't need me , " I told her . We walked down a few blocks until our houses were just almost out of sight and then turned around to retrace our steps . For most of the walk I was being shy , and I let Lydia do the talking . Mostly about her friends and what they were doing this summer while she was stuck at home with her mom . She 'd look over at me and it was as if I didn 't hear anything . I just stared into those pale blue eyes . When I did finally speak I talked about playing with Ivan and Tom and how I liked spending this summer with my cousins . The more we walked , the more relaxed I felt . We stopped at the point she couldn 't go past and continued talking . I told her about life in Los Angeles and that I wanted to get a skateboard . " I 've never seen them , " I said . It was the truth . I 'd seen them say rude things to each other often , even though they 'd told me not to do such things , but they never fought . It was quiet then for a moment and I didn 't know what to do or say . The small dog on the ground whimpered as a breeze came up . Lydia moved over quickly and grabbed me in a big hug . I put my arms around her back and squeezed her for a few seconds . " Thank you for walking down here with me , Harper , " she said when she pulled back . She tugged on the leash and we headed back . As we were returning we heard a loud screaming . I thought it might have been Lydia 's parents still going at it and it made me sad , but then I saw what was happening . I saw all those kids dispersing about the neighborhood , down streets and through the desert . They weren 't on any obstacle course . They were entering houses , stopping and playing in other yards . Lydia and I got to Grandma Ethel 's house and found Tom down on his knees sobbing . I stood over Tom . His messy clump of black hairs were shaking , and his breath was heavy . " What happened ? Hey , where 's Ivan ? " I asked . All he could do was tell me to shut up . I didn 't want to hear it from him . What he was crying over was nothing . He didn 't have any real problems . I ignored him and started walking away . I could hear him moving and soon he had jumped up on me and was hitting my back . I was able to push him off , but by now I was feeling mad . I pushed him down when he came back at me and then I grab his neck in a head lock and pulled him down . " Tom . Stop it , " I said . " Get over it . " I forced him aside . He was flushed red and breathing heavy . Even his teeth were showing , but I knew wouldn 't do anything more . Part of me felt bad for him . He had worked really hard on the course . His attitude killed it in the mean time . I shouldn 't have hurt him , but I was glad that I 'd gone with Lydia . I put out my hand in peace . " Let 's go inside , " I said . I helped him up and we walked back to the house with an arm around each other . When we got inside the house Ivan was in the living room sitting in the center of scattered Legos . His whole bucket 's worth was poured all over the carpet . He looked up at us and asked , " Want to play Legos ? " Tagsdesert politics , desert story , environmental morality , environmentalism , hippies , joshua tree , politics , retired , short story , solar fields , tortoise rescue I had just gotten in from feeding the dogs and the tortoises out back and was feeling listless , lying in the recliner watching a Dateline report , picking through my beard for Ritz crumbs . Not an unusual situation for me , especially since I 'd retired from the town planning commission . I was startled by the phone ringing loudly across the house . It was a Tuesday night . Naturally , I didn 't even consider answering it . Soon enough Janice came in from the kitchen showing a careless smile that drew attention to her ruddy , delicate lips , and handed me the cordless . " It 's for you , dear , " she said , remaining near the chair watching Brian Williams on the TV . Her silver - streaked brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail , a frayed dishrag slung between her hands . Janice turned back to her own business just as the voice continued . " It 's Morgan . Morgan Stone . Maaan , I 'd hoped you 'd be at the meeting tonight ; it was a real doozy . You 've gotta stop this shit . " A vague image of the young man immediately hit me : a ragged , shouting head of brown hair . I recalled this hair vocally rallying behind me , agreeing with my viewpoints with ridiculous imprecision , often slipping into curses or attacking the more conservative members . His intent , in my opinion , was to intentionally create conflict and destroy any chance of moving forward with business . It was kids like him on the left that made me glad I was out of the game . Must handle this one carefully , I thought . " But you 're a man held up by the community . We 've counted on your opinion to balance things . You defeated projects bigger than this before . " " That 's it though , John . Those fellas want to build that solar field off Sunfair Road . Just like last year . This time it looks like they may have the pull to do it . " I knew of the past proposal , but was unaware it was still an active issue . Last I 'd heard SolPlex , the company behind it all , was trying to lease land from the Bureau of Land Management . Well , apparently they got it . And further , Morgan , through his incessant ramblings , told me that there was already a planned Environmental Impact Report coming down the pike . I was starting to think that if I didn 't get rid of this kid , he was going to be calling every week about this until it was over ; I always hated that we had to publicly release our contact information . It could take forever for these plans to meet their ultimate pass or fail . Better to nip this one in the bud . We planned to meet on Thursday in the library of the community college in Joshua Tree . It was just a few miles from the house and Morgan was enrolled as a student and worked on campus . In the short time since I retired from the board , it had already become clear that I had an abundant amount of time on my hands . Why not have a chat ? Later that night , lying in our bed and in the glow of David Letterman , Janice and I carried out what has become through our 38 years of marriage a nightly ritual of light conversation . She told me she was thinking about reintroducing the tortoises into the desert , letting them go Saturday afternoon . We 'd adopted them from the Desert Tortoise Rescue a few months previous with the intentions of reintroduction into the wild . Since the kids moved out and started families of their own we 'd been doing various sorts of similar projects ; something to look after , I suppose . " Weren 't we - maybe more you and your buddies - called the ' new left ' at some point ? " She made ersatz fingers . " Wasn 't that what you were calling yourselves ? " Some friends and I moved out here to the desert to get out of the city , escape the structural confines that we felt living in L . A . in the seventies . Our intention was to provide for each other , to create a place to live a more natural lifestyle . We were under the influence of up - tight parenting , liberal arts educations , and the asinine Nixon administration , all filtered through assorted thought - inducing substances ; the commune or whatever never really took off . I started to substitute teach in town for work ( Janice wouldn 't leave the city until I was making some money out here ) , which eventually turned into a fulltime gig ; and eventually time moved on and we all grew up and out of the times . " But their agendas are confused , " I said . " Too much at once . Everything either redundant or catch - 22 . There 's a bigger picture ; you and I see it ; it took time , but you and I see it . " " Why don 't you can engage this new youth movement to organize in a manner that is suitable to your specifications , Abby Hoffman ? " She poked me in my ribs , making me smile . I kissed her and we caught the top - ten - list before turning out the tube . When I went to meet Morgan I was slightly stoned from a joint I took a hit off while entangled with my coffee and New York Times and Guardian websites ; sometimes it 's hard to get through the daily news without it . I 'd never been to the school before , but the library was easy to find ; the campus was so small . My mind had conjured memories of Williams Andrews Clark at UCLA , my alma mater ; but in reality what I 'd found was nothing more than a large room with a wall of partially filled bookshelves , and in the center sat some rectangular tables , each with four chairs around them . There were only a small handful of people in there . I spotted Morgan at the far end of one of these tables . He had on a patched military - styled jacket and his face wore a pale , sunken look as if he 'd just had his first shave in months . On the table were a few textbooks and notebooks ; a small gray cell phone ; a black laptop adorned with stickers ; and two little paper cups of steaming coffee , one , I soon learned , for the each of us . I greeted him with an outstretched hand . He quickly started clearing space on the table , apologizing , telling me that he had just gotten out of history class . Apparently he was also studying journalism , and getting the , as he put it , ' boring math stuff out of the way . ' He even mentioned , in some sort of altruistic jest I 'd hoped , that he was considering writing a story on me . " No story here , " I said . " Hell kid , all you know of me is that I was planning commissioner for a small town for a short time . And before that I was an English teacher - " The boy 's face flushed a soft pink and then he cleared his throat . " I 'm not about to let them screw ten acres of pristine land for their own financial gain . We are about preserving and cultivating this land naturally . " That 's when I started putting things together . It seemed to me like Young Stone had a bias in the situation and was looking for Johnny here to reinforce the argument , make it sound more authentic - like , so they could just coast right in themselves . Looking back this may have been mere paranoia on my part , but you can 't immediately trust one 's intentions just because you 've spoken to them a few times and they agree with some of your own agendas . " Some type of get - off - the - grid idea , I imagine , " I said . " Down with the man . " I took a drink from my coffee , tipping the cup afterward with a grin toward Morgan to indicate the joke . He smiled and again cleared his throat . " A small collective , " he began . " Very much a response to current affairs , not unlike the Occupy movement . But we feel that the problem with the Occupy protests is that these people want their share of the money . As if money is the answer . Money is the problem , and trying to get off of their system is the better protest . " By then Morgan was standing , his voice volume bordering on inappropriate for the setting . I was getting worried we were bothering the other five - or - so people in the place . I adjusted my posture , making a small motion for him to sit back down . He sat and leaned in toward me , now speaking at almost too low of a volume . " Look , I know you 're out , Mr . Jass . " He looked puzzled , or maybe it was desperation . " We 're just trying to build an argument against SolPlex to get something going . " In the living room that evening I read over the newest issue of National Geographic . An old Eric Dolphy record was playing low on the hi - fi . Janice just got in from work and was on the couch rubbing out her bare feet , which had been stuffed inside tiny flats all day , and trimmed her toenails . As she went about her self - styled pedicure , she told me about her day . A customer in the little health food store she works at , a man about my age , she said , had a seizure right there in aisle two . Her co - worker Karen was on her lunch break , so she was the only one there at the time . She picked up the man , laid him across the backseat of the Camry , and drove him to the ER herself . " And then once I get back to the store . " Her face now was red and her eyes seemed to pop from her face . " Karen pulls into the parking lot in that ol ' beat up diesel Volvo , wondering who the hell is inside working the registers . I told her : ' Don 't get me started . ' Isn 't that funny ? " Just then the dogs started scratching on the back door . I put down my magazine and looked to Janice . It was obvious that she wasn 't going to get up , so I went and let them in . While she was in the kitchen , I was thinking over the meeting with Morgan . I hadn 't yet decided a stance on the planning matter . I had left the boy saying I 'd think about it . But what does that mean , ' Think about it ? ' Research each fact , read the fine print and weigh out the good and the bad until there is a definitive opinion ? And about opinions , isn 't the thing about them that everyone has one and , well , no one can quite ever seem to agree with anyone on anything entirely . Am I right ? " Always the optimist , dear . " I offered her a toast with a wink and we clinked our glasses of red wine together . " He wants me to come to their meeting tomorrow night . " The next morning , outside while feeding vegetable scraps to the tortoises , I caught the sunrise from over the national park . It 's a sight I 've seen many other mornings , but that Friday morning the hues of red and yellow that were unlike anything I 'd seen before . Even God couldn 't have made this . I stood there watching the shadows of Joshua trees and brush shrink quickly from long ambiguous forms to solid definable reflections . The Transformation Joshua Tree meeting went on much like planning board meetings had on slower agenda nights : the handful of folks in charge talked the most and the local opinion was more passion than articulation . The difference , however , was that instead of being held in the supposed prestige quarters of town hall , we were in a downtown art gallery . The exhibition hung on the brick walls epitomized surreal art nouveau , if I remember correctly , lots of greens and purples , very Max Ernst . I sat in a cold , metal folding chair listening to group members in discussion . Their primary ideas were of resiliency and self - reliance . Although nothing new to me , their arguments impressed me ; their discussion of the planned solar fields convinced me that their concern for the natural land was genuine and not for selfish purposes . Later , Morgan introduced me to a few key players of the group . The range of their individual backgrounds surprised me : two yoga instructors , a former dentist , a Methodist reverend ( female even ) , an aerospace employee , artists , musicians , schoolteachers , and plenty of kids with degrees , but probably no ( or only low paying ) jobs ; . They all seemed like nice people , a rarity in these kinds of functions these days . Just inside the gallery door I spoke with Frankie , one of the yoga instructors , probably in her sixties , but , frankly , looked at least half it . " We want to teach others how they can set up their own local Transformation Initiative , " she explained . " And to empower the community to tackle the BIG issues of peak oil , global warming , and this crazy economic mess we 're caught up in . These companies , SolPlex included , are stuffing the right pockets of the system . They sure got their EIR fast - tracked . " She looked me dead in the eyes when she talked to me , smiling warmly while I nodded along to her pitch , nearly hypnotized . That 's when Morgan came walking up laughing . " Is she telling you all about our planned communist uprising ? " He whipped an arm around Frankie , looked at me with a nod of his brow , sly as a fox . " I 'm only kidding . " " All about progression , John . " Morgan released the woman from his side as she began to wander off elsewhere . I waved goodbye and Morgan stepped closer to me , the same arm outstretched to pull me in . " Walk with me , " he said . " Let 's talk . " Morgan and I shared a joint in the parking lot . The only cars around were those of the people at the meeting and whatever occupants there were in the nearby Thai restaurant . A single streetlamp lit whatever the incandescence from the storefront porches couldn 't ; otherwise it was a dark , new moon night . Morgan was again in the army jacket , though it was a remarkably warm evening ( I had worn only a t - shirt , shorts , and some sandals ) , and his hair was pulled back into a small ponytail . At first he seemed surprised when I sparked up , but the casualness of the whole thing , coupled with that fact that , you know , we were getting high , quickly calmed the young man . Trying to handle the tip of the thing without burning my fingers , I said , " The problem I see with getting people against the fields is that it 's alternative energy . Big deal these days . It 's in your mission statement even - " " Oh , I see that . " I looked up at the moon , holding in my hit . Exhale , small cough . " But that 's a hard sell these days . There 's a big push going in that direction . " I passed it to Morgan who looked at me , his eyes a clichéd red , reaching out . He said nothing . " It was a hard sell back in the day , " I continued . " Hell , what you want is why I came out here in the first place . " " This whole world is made of progress , " I said . He tried to hand the roach back , but I declined , waving it away with my hand . " But you can 't save land with progress today . Progress means building more things and eliminating wasted space . " " No . I just question the change you 'll be able to make . " We started walking back toward the art gallery where it appeared that others were heading off for the evening . " I guess I was idealistic like you . A few of us were . Me and some buddies from college . The idea was to get out of the city . Get out of L . A . " " We never would 've gotten much off the ground . Like I said , idealists . Intellectuals , pseudo and / or otherwise . " I paused to laugh , remembering the reality of the former situation . " Mostly sat around rapping , talking up ideas , you know ? " After he was gone I stood around for a while , admiring the warm air of the evening . I waved to Frankie when I spotted her driving off . Only a few cars were left now . It was quiet , the highway traffic sparse . I started thinking about the EIR they 'd been talking about , the Environmental Impact Report . Great state legislation had made it a requirement . It seemed to me that this could already be a legitimate threat to SolPlex , but that only time would tell . Not much we could do . After a while Morgan came back out with a handful of papers and I decided to tell him how I felt . " The EIR could be great , John , " he said . " But we 've got to continue protesting these companies like SolPlex . Let them know we don 't need them in our desert . " On the way home the night sky seemed especially bright for a new moon . Once I was on the dirt road I turned off the headlights and navigated by the light of the stars . And when I got home I lay on the hood of the car , leaning my back against the frigid windshield . Janice came out and joined me and we listened to the breeze of the air . Something in the distance moved through the brush . The tortoises in the yard chomped on pieces of lettuce . That Saturday at about three in the afternoon Janice made some sandwiches , putting some lettuce aside for the tortoises , while I pulled the old Datsun pickup around to the front of the house . I put a thick layer of blankets down in the bed of the truck . After the two of us ate we loaded three of the little guys onto the blankets and tossed the pieces of lettuce in after them . Once we got to the highway I drove east toward Twentynine Palms , and then north just past Sunfair . As I drove the only thing on my mind was the safety of the tortoises in back . When we got further from the highway , just past where Sunfair transitions into a dirt road , I brought the truck to a crawl as we climbed up the road . I gazed about around the general area , an expanse of dirt hills , Joshua trees , and dried up weeds and shrubs . " I think the Transformation area is near here , " I told Janice , pointing to the northeast . I drove a little further , up a small hill of dirt and rocks and sight - surveyed the immediate land . Finally , I spotted an area that appeared to be fenced off . Bingo , I thought . Some light clouds had moved in , causing the sunlight to wash over the mountains and the valley with a shimmering yellow and orange filter over all of it . A giant white bird dropped itself in a spiraling motion before the truck , catching a breeze and then disappeared to the west . As if following it , I took my left turn onto a narrow , untrodden path . After a while any resemblance of the path was gone and we seemed to be driving over brush and cacti . Finally we got to the area I had perceived to be the proposed BLM land . I turned off the ignition and climbed out into the desert . There was a small , wooden makeshift fence . I went back to the truck , unlatched the tailgate , and climbed in with the tortoises . I secured a grip on the smallest of the three and handed it to Janice , who gently set it on the ground . She grabbed one of the small pieces of lettuce and tossed it a few feet from the animal 's mouth . This was repeated with the next one and then I personally carried the last one , the biggest one , out myself . Janice grabbed a small bag of carrots she 'd brought from the cab , opened it up and poured the contents onto the desert floor . We were in Grandma Ethel 's dining room eating cereal . I sat at one end of the table slurping at a bowl of Captain Crunch . Milk had dribbled all over the funny pages I was reading . My cousin Tom sat at the other end , flipping through the Calendar section of Grandma 's L . A . Times newspaper , sipping leftover coffee that he 'd swiped from the pot . Tom looked up from his paper . His black hair looked thick and greasy . Neither of us had gotten haircuts all Summer . He sighed . " I don 't read those comics . I read serial issues . " " What 's that ? Like Superman ? " I got up and carried his bowl and spoon to the kitchen and then came back to the table and picked up the comics section . I went over to Tom 's side leaned against the adjacent counter top . " Well I like these funnies , " I said . " My favorite 's Blondie . I like when he makes the huge sandwiches . " I shoved the newspaper in his face . " Which one does he - Ooh ! I want to cut this one out . " I jerked the paper back to get it to fold . In the kitchen I grabbed a pair of scissors and began cutting out a Family Circus comic . Jeffy , the boy in the cartoon , had traveled throughout his entire neighborhood and his entire path , including loops and other wild turns through clotheslines , tree houses , over fences , doghouses , and car hoods , were marked with dotted lines . After I finished cutting out the comic I gave Tom a closer look . " Not always . I like these ones with the dotted lines , " I said . " I like how he goes across all the yards . That would be fun . " " We do that stuff all the time in Colorado , " said Tom . He got up , walked to the window in the living room , and looked out at Grandma 's neighborhood . " I bet we could do it here . I 'll plan it out . " I joined Tom at the window . That was our fourth Summer at Grandma 's house in Joshua Tree . We were ten , the Summer my parents broke up . Not much seemed to change in the desert from year to year , just little things . A cute girl about our age had moved in next door with her family and the old people down the street with all the dogs seemed to have even more in the yard . Mom said we were good company for Grandma and it gave me something to do since she and dad had to work all the time . We were living in L . A . in ' 92 , so mom drove and visited some weekends . Around the corner from Grandma Ethel 's house was Uncle Bob and Aunt Jane 's house where Ivan and Vicki , more cousins , lived . Vicki was older than all of us and we rarely saw her that Summer , but Ivan was about two years younger Tom and I and offered us most of the fun available in the desert . Tom turned from the window . " I think Aunt Jane 's going to drop him off after they have church , " he said . He grinned widely . " He goes to church every Sunday . " The he burst into a spirited laugh . I went down the hall to ask Grandma about Ivan . When I returned to the living room I found Tom sprawled across the couch watching cartoons . I sat in the empty recliner , Grandma 's seat , and extended the footrest out . " Ivan 's supposed to be here in ten minutes , " I told him . I took a quick glance out the window , thought I saw someone coming down the street . I was still standing near the door , pretending to laugh at Ivan . It often seemed that Ivan enjoyed having been born and raised in the desert . But we , especially Tom , often poked fun at him for living in the middle of nowhere . Grandma Ethel 's house had a huge satellite dish that picked up hundreds of channels , but at Ivan 's house they only got a few channels that Uncle Bob picked up on the antennae . Ivan mostly liked to play out in the huge yard that Uncle Bob had , covered with Joshua trees and weeds and holes that we liked to dig in the sand sometimes . When he was inside he played with Legos , always . The kid loved Legos . As usual , Ivan seemed to treat Tom 's sneering like a friendly handshake and just continued watching with a smile on his face . " What do you guys want to do today ? I can bring over my Legos . " " Hey Ivan , " I said . " When you were talking to Lydia out there , did she … " I started whispering . " Did she mention me at all ? " Ivan looked baffled . " I can introduce you sometime . Her mom is my mom 's friend . Sometimes we go over there and they talk a lot . We get to play her Nintendo games though . " Ivan came back soon saying they could go outside . I told them I wanted to stick around and draw . I was secretly hoping I would see Lydia out the window and maybe talk to her . Ivan and Tom collected some pieces of paper and pencils . As they left the house into the bright day , I could hear Tom explaining his plan to Ivan , including an insult about the Family Circus . I wondered why Tom had to be so cruel sometimes . Early in the afternoon Tom came back and took me into the bedroom we were sharing . He lightly closed the door behind him as if not to wake Grandma , who was napping in the next room . Tom asked me to close the blinds that I was standing near and peering out of . I accidently dropped them pretty fast , and Tom , looking busy preparing papers , sitting on the messy bed , must have heard the crash of the blinds against the sill . Tom was staring over toward the window . Harper turned to see what he was looking at . Daylight bled through the blinds , causing shadows to move across the room as cars drove by outside . " Well , get over here and let 's get to business , " Tom said . I looked down at the dark carpeted floor and moped over to the bed . I sat at the foot of the bed , opposite Tom , trying not to make eye contact . Putting a pillow between me and the wall , I made myself as comfortable as possible . Tom flipped through some pages marked up with words , numbers , shapes , dotted lines , and some little symbols that I couldn 't quite make out as anything with which I was familiar . The ceiling fan squeaked as it spun at a low speed . " The trials ? Tonight if you can find us a flashlight . We should find others to help . That 'll be your job . Or you and Ivan . " Still looking out the window , I noticed Lydia and her father next door . Her long , blonde hair fell just past her shoulders onto a blue dress . Her father wore a fancy - looking suit . They walked from the front yard to the back yard , and as she passed through their wooden gate , I thought that she made eye contact with me . As their gate closed , I realized that Tom was standing right behind me and had been speaking to me . Lydia 's cheeks quickly flushed with a light cherry color and she quickly looked down to her twitching feet . " I always see you waving to me , " she said . " But you never come talremk . " When she looked back up at me , I noticed that her eyes . They looked like the pale blue sky behind her showing right through her head . I 'd never seen eyes so remarkable . From her yard , I heard a female voice call for her and the chug of a car starting . " See you later , squirt . Don 't ruin those tunnels before I get to see them . " She left . When her parents ' car pulled out of the driveway she smiled and waved to us . Ivan , seemingly oblivious to anything else , continued playing in the dirt . " I already showed him around the neighborhood . He told me he had important paperwork to do and that I was too little to understand and that I 'd better just play with my Hot Wheels , " he said . " So I did . " Over the next few days Tom kept showing me up to date maps with the path marked by dotted lines . Each map became more detailed as each path became more complicated . Whenever I thought he was finally going to move on to something else there would be a new map or Tom and Ivan would return from another surveying trip through the neighborhood . Meanwhile I had been on the lookout for Lydia , having finally come up with the courage to try to talk to her again . It always seemed like no one was home , and when they were she never came outside . On Friday night I was finally presented with the official map and path . " Ivan and I ran through it today . You see here … " Tom pointed to a back yard on the map . " That 's the McKenzie 's slide . They have a loose board in their fence here and if you pull it back you can go through and then go up and down the slide and run along the house to the front yard and cross the street … " I had to admit I was impressed . Just before we went to sleep that night Tom whispered to me in the dark . " I really wanted to do something fun this summer . We haven 't done anything but watch TV . When you cut out that comic and I got that idea , I don 't know , I just think it would be great . " Tom may have said more . He may have talked all night : apologizing for how he talked down to Ivan just because he was smaller ; confessing that he too liked to read the funny pages sometimes , at least the Sunday ones ; laughing after a dirty joke he 'd learned back in Colorado ; or maybe , even , sobbing , softly , a secret that I had never known about him , and never would , because I had fallen asleep before I could hear Tom say anything else . When I woke the next morning I was alone in the room . The blinds had been pulled up , revealing a cloudy day outside . After rubbing my eyes a few times I noticed Tom outside in the dirt driveway with Ivan . Tom clutched his paper work while Ivan was carrying his tub of Legos . Ivan stopped whatever he was doing and waved to me with a wide toothy grin . Tom then began to pull him down the road , out of view . I was about to open the front door when Tom came barging through it . " Way to sleep in . I opened the blinds hoping it would wake you . It 's nine o ' clock . Are these kids going to be here or what ? " " No hurry . It just seems like no one wants to work with me . You just woke up and Ivan came over with his Legos wanting to play , " said Tom . " But I 've got him going over the course now , making sure it 's all in place . " He pushed past me , walking further into the house toward our room . He turned back . " Just make sure those kids show up and that they 're ready in time . " At about 10 : 45 a bunch of boys started showing up in Grandma Ethel 's front yard , just as I 'd promised Tom . After a while there were fifteen or so kids standing around , kicking their feet into the ground . Some of them began to wrestle and yell out , getting louder and louder as if to drown out the others . Dust was flying everywhere . Tom hadn 't come out of the house yet when I saw Lydia over in her yard with her dog on a leash . I looked around at all these kids and decided that it wouldn 't hurt to just step over to the next yard . When I approached her I immediately tried to speak , but it came out a stammer . " H - hi . How ar - are y - you ? . " My cheeks must have instantly brightened at the attempted greeting . " My cousin Tom is planning an obstacle course . " I looked at her hair . It curled at the ends and seemed to float as a breeze swept between us . " I 'm walking my dog . I 'm not allowed to go further than just down there . " She pointed her finger down a few blocks . " Do you want to walk with me ? " I looked at her and then down to her little brown dog and then back over to the crowd of boys , who were now wrestling and climbing all over each other , loudly of course , all the more wildly . I knew I was supposed to be helping Tom , but at that same moment I saw Tom walking up from the house to all those kids . " Yeah . Tom 'll take care of them . He doesn 't need me , " I told her . We walked down a few blocks until our houses were just almost out of sight and then turned around to retrace our steps . For most of the walk I was being shy , and I let Lydia do the talking . Mostly about her friends and what they were doing this summer while she was stuck at home with her mom . She 'd look over me and it was as if I didn 't hear anything . I just stared into those pale blue eyes . When I did finally speak I talked about playing with Ivan and Tom and how I liked spending his summer with my cousins . I told her about life in Los Angeles . The more we walked , the more relaxed I felt . As we were returning I could hear a screaming across the sky . Once I saw what was happening , noticing most of the kids dispersing about the neighborhood , down streets and through yards , I realized they weren 't on any obstacle course . They were entering houses , stopping and playing in other yards . Lydia and I got to Grandma Ethel 's house , finding Tom down on his knees sobbing . I stood over Tom . His messy clump of black hairs were shaking , and his breath was heavy . " What happened ? Hey , where 's Ivan ? " I asked . I wanted to tell the truth , that I 'd walked off with a girl instead of helping him , but I knew that it would just upset him more . " Let 's go inside . " I helped Tom up and we walked back to the house with an arm around each other . When we got inside the house Ivan was in the living room sitting in the center of scattered Legos . His whole bucket 's worth was poured all over the carpet . He looked up at as and asked , " Want to play Legos ? " " He 's a veteran , " Brinkmeier says . " Of sorts . " He relates Larry 's background a little more deeply to Hank . Beverly and Larry had a brother , Walter , who died in Vietnam , part of Operation Texas Star they called it . Larry had been close with Walter , who had written him letters , one every two weeks or so , since he 'd gone the previous Fall . Beverly had received a few as well , each one , she 'd said , seemed sadder than the last . When news of Walter 's death came back over , Larry , eighteen that Spring and just about to graduate high school , broke down in a manner that Beverly had never seen anyone break down up ' til then or ' til she passed . For a few years Larry had seemed to take on Walter 's personality , convinced that he 'd had all those experiences of the war not a scratch on him . He drifted for a while in the mid to late seventies , following around a rock band . At some point in there he was committed , but when California started releasing people the mother took him in , though she was about on her way out by this point . Tagsfiction , first day of school , first day of school story , lego story , pre school , short short story , young child story " Ivan ! Are you getting ready ? " called his mother from the kitchen , preparing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich . He stood hiding , small enough to be unnoticeable , behind the wooly grey of the living room 's love seat . Red pajamas enveloped his entire body , except for his head , with its matching red hair , and his hands . Every once and a while , he would peek over to see if she was watching . When the top of her brown head was no longer in view , he trudged through the house seeking her . She slumped with a sigh , lightly grabbed him by the arm , and pulled his limp body to his room where she removed him from the pajamas and then redressed him in clothes he had picked out . His first day of school attire consisted of dark denim overalls , which covered a white t - shirt that had two cartoon horses walking away from each other printed on it . The shoes his mother had bought him the previous week , red Converse all - stars with dinosaurs on them , were already filthy , and his mother wanted him to wear his nice Sunday shoes , but Ivan insisted that if she was going to make him to pre - school that he must wear the dino shoes . As they left the house , feet sinking into the sandy beach of the driveway , they both squinted from the brightness of the day . Ivan closed his eyes hard , trying to stop the orange - pink from poking through . Realizing he could block it out with his hand , he raised one to his forehead and the other to his mother 's palm , swinging near his shoulder . In the car , she listened to male radio voices talking about things Ivan was too young to understand or care for . His mother probably did not care either , but she seemed to enjoy the man 's voice . Perhaps it was for Ivan 's sake , to have a masculine voice telling him about the world . She 'd later claim to have never been with a man since Ivan was conceived . When they arrived at the school , Ivan noticed two little kids inside the fence , his age , playing tug - of - war with a piece of rope . They pulled and pulled each of their ends until finally the rope broke and they both tumbled down . As his mother opened the car door , he could see the teachers running over to the small children to see if they were hurt . " It 's going to be okay sweetie . They 're nice people . I 've met them . It 'll be okay , " she said , pulling him into the fenced courtyard before the building . " Mrs . Johnson . I 'd like you to meet my little Ivan . Ivan , this is Mrs . Johnson . " " Well hello Ivan , " said Mrs . Johnson , leaning down closer as if to examine him . " You 're going to have a fun first day today . We 're working on crafts today . But first , we have a playtime . Just promise to be a good little boy for us and you 'll love it here . " " Yes Ivan , make sure you be good . Mommy 's got to work now , but I 'll be back to pick you up this afternoon . If you are good maybe we 'll stop for some ice cream before we go home . " He stood at the fence , watching her enter the car . The faux wood station wagon kicked up clouds of dirt as it headed down the dirt road , back toward the highway . Watching it disappear after making its turn , sweat building on his brow , he held hard to the cold of the chain link fence , crying for her return . The daycare teachers rushed over , pried him away , and took him inside with the other children to begin the day . None of the other children were crying ; plastic toys filled their hands . Boys in the corner pushed yellow , metal dump trucks while girls on the opposite side played house with dolls and child - size dinette sets . A few children came to Ivan and asked him what was the matter . He told them , through pouting fits , that he wanted his mommy to come back . The other children reached out their toys to him , wanting to play . One boy showed Ivan a rubix cube , but he did not really know what to do with it . Another handed him a GI Joe figure , but after Ivan began playing with it the boy ripped it back from his fingers . Ivan moved toward the back of the room where he found a large plastic tub full of Duplo blocks to play with . With the blocks he began to build a town , starting first with the street layout and then the buildings , side by side in rows . He used red blocks on one side and blue on another . When he was nearly complete , some other boys came over to ask him his name . When he told them , they giggled and asked what he was building . He told them he was building a big city and then a dinosaur was going to come and destroy it . The boys sounded with " oohs " and " ahhs , " asking him where the dinosaur came from . Just as the boys were discussing their attack plan , parents began showing up to pick up their children . With some of the boys leaving , they decided to make their attack the next day . When Ivan 's mother arrived , he told her all about the friend 's he had made like Steven who liked building houses with flat roofs and Paul who chewed on blocks as he thought about his next placement . He even told her how excited he was to go back the next day . " I can 't wait to go back tomorrow mom for our big attack . Our big city that we built , we 're all going to attack it . " Ivan 's excitement quickly subsided however when his mother told him that the teachers probably clean up all the toys at the end of the day , just like she 's always reminding him to do at home . Ivan thought about this , hoping it was perhaps untrue , that the city would still be built , ready to demolish in the morning , and he realized that if it was true , then the city must be built again , but this time quicker , and maybe more efficient . Either way , it would be built and they would demolish it , together . |
They were on the run and forgetting how not to be . He wore his flowered shirt and she wore her straw hat so they could always spot each other in a crowd . The goons were a few steps behind them - had been since that day at the empty house by the sea - but they made friends where they needed friends , they bought bus tickets and street maps , and sometimes they stopped long enough for a movie or a beer , or for a quickie in a borrowed room . They were far from home , but they didn 't know how far . They figured everything would turn out all right in the end . Only this Los Angeles had too many doors : doors in the sidewalks , doors on every side of every house , little doors in the trees . Most doors didn 't have anything behind them . They 'd checked a few . They stayed like that for a while , she with her hair falling over his shoulders , he slowly unclenching . Then a bus pulled up to the curb , and the driver threw down a rope ladder . The two boys climbed aboard , and the babies in their backpacks woke and went wide - eyed at the ascent . Babies , fat and shining , grinning , everything new to them . They 'd seen a town where powdered wigs were strictly required . A town where the laws were made by observing how the alpacas grazed on a particular meadow . A town that was just a train station . They 'd been in the country , and then in the mountains , and then in the desert . They learned to stop asking where they were , because people here didn 't understand that question , mistook it for a joke . A big grin and " Why , you 're right here ! " was the typical reply . What they wanted was to get home in time for the wedding - their wedding . They held hands as often as they could . They got used to not getting used to things . They knew that his name was Jim and that her name was Laura , and sometimes that was all they needed . In the Set - It - Down Saloon , the bouncer bounced a baby on his knee . At every table , in every booth , at least one baby lolled . The bartender had a baby slung over his chest and a second laid out on a blanket next to the taps . " I 'll tell you what you kids need , " he said to Jim , and Jim thought he was going to say a baby , but what he said was " You need a sure thing . My cousin Louis , for example . This guy has a sure thing . Have you ever heard of muffins ? " " Louis is in the muffins business . It 's going to be huge , you know ? When people get a taste of these muffins , they 're all going to want in on them . They 're going to eat these things until they burst . Standing room only . There 's a sure thing right there . " The baby on the bar - a boy baby - started peeing . The stream of urine splashed over the bar and over the baby 's own legs . The bartender waited until it was done , then lifted the baby 's legs , cleaned up underneath , and cleaned the baby , too , all with the same rag . It was a fortune teller in Phoenix ( except it wasn 't really Phoenix ) who 'd said it to them . She lived in a little white house with a very green lawn and a sign out front with a picture of a crystal ball on it . She was out front , too , on a lawn chair , sunning herself in a two - piece . She was maybe nineteen . " You look lost , " she 'd said dreamily , and they were lost , and feeling a little desperate , so they followed her inside , and she 'd gazed into her crystal ball and told them : " Your way home lies through a window . A window or a small box . " " I 've got plenty of boxes out back , " the bartender said . " Take all you need . " The baby on the bar was crying now , so he swapped it for the one slung over his chest . " Now there 's the first sensible question you 've asked all night , " the bartender said . " You 're sitting at my bar , kid . It 's called the Set - It - Down Saloon , and people come here to set things down , usually themselves . I 've worked here for thirteen years , and sometimes I think it must be the absolute center of the universe . " He looked around . " You smell something ? I 've never smelled anything like that . Like something frying in butter . " Laura had found too many doors at the back of the bar , none of them labeled women or men , ladies or gents . No helpful pictograms . So she 'd picked a door at random and opened it on to darkness . She reached for the doorknob , but the man in the dark got ahold of her other wrist and danced her deeper into the room . Then she was in a chair , and a lamp was on , and on the table next to the lamp was a half - eaten sandwich on a white plate . The man sat beside her . He was big in his big pinstripe suit , and he had big blond hair and a handsome smile . The man shrugged and took a bite of the sandwich . Cheese , it looked like . " So , you still with that guy ? " he said . " What a loser . " " One hundred eighteen guests , " she said . " Do you know how difficult it is to herd that many people ? To make sure they all have a place to stay ? To make sure they 're seated at tables with people they don 't hate ? " They were just two kids from upstate New York . Before , he 'd been working for an agency that tracked fish populations . Seven hours each day , in a room he and his coworkers called " the dungeon , " he sat at a window with a view on to a streambed , watching for flashes of silver in the murky light . He kept a counter in each hand , clicking one for shad , one for lampreys . Sometimes a lamprey would attach itself to the glass with its mouth and stay there for hours . Jim would try not to look at it , at its rings of teeth , at its flat yellow eyes . She 'd been commuting into the city to work for a company that predicted trends in film , television , fashion . She 'd earned a promotion and a measure of fame among her peers for her work on a report titled " The New Escapism , " which proved to be about 90 percent accurate . The interns referred to her as " the seeress " and competed for the right to do her photocopying . Whenever someone asked her what she saw coming next , she usually said , " Me getting fired , " and knew she sounded a little hopeful when she said it . When Jim came through the door with a bottle in his fist , the chief goon let go of Laura and backed away . They all looked at one another for a moment , then Laura went to Jim . He smashed the bottle over the edge of a crate . The glass shattered and fell from his hand , useless . The chief goon chuckled , and swept back his big blond hair . " People are placing bets , you know . On how long before I catch you . I give you another day or two , tops . " They ran . Out in the bar , everyone was crouched low at their tables and booths , leaning protectively over babies . A half dozen goons , rubbery in their pinstripe suits , slid like jellyfish from vents in the ceiling , through the windows , from under the jukebox . They shifted in their shiny black shoes , ankles wobbling as they solidified . Jim swung at him . His punch connected , but Jim 's fist sank into the still - gooey head . The goon 's face bulged , looking like a balloon that 's been squeezed on one side . His smile stretched and swelled . Jim hollered and pulled back , but his hand was stuck fast , somewhere just below the goon 's left eye . The goon was laughing now , and so were all the other goons . Jim 's hand felt warm and tingly in there . It didn 't feel good . Laura swung her backpack at the goon 's head . He was solid enough now that the impact meant something , and the goon 's eyes fluttered shut . He fell against the bar , and Jim was free . Free , but he only stared at the fallen goon , his face blank . Laura grabbed him by the arm , pulled him from the bar , pulled him down the sidewalk past the goons ' black sedan , all the way to the closest monorail station , because this Los Angeles had a monorail . A train pulled in just as they passed through the turnstile . They hopped aboard , keeping low , and found two empty seats between a puppeteer and a woman with a basket of bananas on her head . Jim didn 't look at her ; he was staring at his right arm . Which ended , Laura now saw , just past the cuff of his flowered shirt - nothing where his hand should have been . The flesh was smooth and rounded , as though he 'd never had a hand there . The puppeteer , who had hissing snake heads on his fingertips , was watching . He leaned close and wagged the fingers of his right hand . " Can 't take any chances , " he said . " That 's why I got these puppies insured . " They bought tickets for an afternoon show and sat in the back row . There were no movies in the city , only live theater . Jim stared at the spot where his hand used to be , ran the palm of his left hand over the stump . " Maybe this one will get more dexterous over time , " he whispered . At first he 'd wondered how he was going to count shad and lampreys when he could hold only one clicker at a time . Then he wondered whether Laura would want to marry someone with one hand . There were things he did with that hand that she liked . " Why ? " she said , then understood : he wanted to hold her hand , but he couldn 't now unless she was on his left . She said , " Let 's just watch the play , all right ? " She kept her hands in her lap , under her straw hat . The stage , lit with blue and green lights , was covered with stones , most of them round and smooth . It reminded him of the bottom of the stream back home , the stream he 'd come to think of as his stream . Offstage , someone played a zither . Turtle puppets with slowly moving limbs swung suspended in the light . From his perch on a bridge above , a curly - haired boy reached for them with an enormous net . When he caught a turtle , people in the audience clapped and bounced their babies on their knees . He went to get something to eat . The girl behind the lobby snack bar must have been from some other city : no baby , though she did have a chicken on the counter . She was teaching it to sort paperclips into little piles . He didn 't see any popcorn , but he asked anyway , and the girl set a packet the size of an old cassette tape on the counter . Jim opened it and looked inside . Not popcorn , exactly , but some kind of soft , white candy . He fished two dimes out of his pocket , and she dropped them into the register without looking . This was something he and Laura had going for them : the currency here was similar enough that no one noticed the different set of faces on their coins and bills , and the exchange rate seemed to be in their favor . The few twenties they had with them when they crossed over were going a long way . " It was for you last time it rang , and the time before that . " The girl stroked her chicken with both hands , smoothing its feathers . " Please just answer it , " she said . " I 'm writing it up , " the woman said . " I 'm a biographist , and I 'm working on your biography . It 's coming along nicely . " " Biographist , " the woman said , laughing . " Listen , I want to meet you . For an interview ? We could live together , maybe , just for a year or two . My publisher would be so pleased . " " Haven 't you been reading the papers ? You are just wowing them , Mr . Jim . Wowing them with your . . . I don 't know what to call it , exactly . But I want to figure it out , and turn it into something you can taste . Something you can slick back your hair with , you know ? " He returned the newspaper , noticed that she had Purple Pow - Pow behind the counter and bought a bottle , then tucked that in his shirt pocket and went back into the theater . The boy with curly hair was center stage now . He stirred a cauldron of turtle soup and sang a kind of dirge . " Yeah , " he said , wondering : If he was famous here , why wasn 't Laura famous ? Probably because he was the one who talked too much , who got them into trouble , who bumbled through everything they were up against . And people here found that interesting . Jim hadn 't been paying attention to the words , but now he listened . " I want to go home , " the boy sang . " I want to go home . " And then , more quietly , " All I need is a window , a window or a small box . " After the show , Jim convinced the girl behind the snack bar to show them the way backstage . They found the young actor in his dressing room . He didn 't want to talk about the play , didn 't want to talk about the song he 'd sung , or who 'd written it . " I 'm going to do bigger things , " he said . He nodded at Jim and added , " He knows . He understands . " The boy rolled his eyes at Jim , knowingly , as though in some private understanding . Then he opened a trunk and brought out a stack of bound pages . " I think this is the one . I don 't know . Maybe it 's the last one I did . Or the one before that . " Jim hunkered down and said , " So , thing is , we know this play 's just pig and pepper to someone with your talents . " Pig and pepper was a popular game here . At least , lots of people talked about it , though neither Jim nor Laura had seen it played . " But we really need to know who wrote this play . A lot of . . . a lot of feelings are riding on this . Ours , and some other people 's . Our families , our friends . People with some pretty big feelings . " Laura knelt beside the boy and put one hand on his shoulder . " We won 't tell him that we saw you , " she said . " This can be our secret . " The boy looked at himself in his mirror , then looked at Laura . " He comes every few days , to drop off more pages . He gives us presents , presents that we hate . He makes us open them in front of him . He says we aren 't good enough for his plays , that we should be happy just to know him . His name is Gray . " The door opened and a tall man with a handlebar mustache ducked through , a marionette draped over his arms . Seeing it , the boy 's face went pale . The man set the marionette in a chair . She nodded , but the boy 's eyes had closed , and the man carried him from the room , leaving them alone with the marionette . Jim was about to say something , but she shook her head to stop him , because she 'd already seen it , seen the puppet 's curly hair and brown eyes , its delicate fingers . It looked just like the boy . They 'd been fighting about something , the day they crossed over , but now neither of them could remember what the fight was about . They couldn 't remember how they 'd crossed over , but they had their passports with them and their passports had been stamped . Were there customs officials ? Inspections of some kind ? Neither of them could say . The first thing they knew of this place was a roadside diner , and a menu they couldn 't make sense of . Then a hot meal of something syrupy that came in three bowls , each a different color , each with a little plastic ship floating on top , then a panicked conversation in the parking lot , and apologies for the things they 'd said that they couldn 't remember . The wedding was about two months off : plenty of time to find their way back . There were roadside hotels , and more diners , and drive - in movie theaters with big playgrounds under the screens . It was summer , and fireflies flashed in broad fields , and once they even managed to rent a car , but there was something in the contract they didn 't understand , and an agent of the rental company came and took the car from them , shaking the wad of paper they 'd signed and shouting about how hard his job was because of people like them . They asked everyone they met which way to the border , but no one knew what they were talking about . They showed their passports , pointed at the stamps they 'd been given , but got only shrugs and vacant looks in return . They asked , " Where are we ? " until they learned not to bother asking . He saw the whiteness of her knuckles as she squeezed her pen . She needed this , needed something to hang on to , and he did too , maybe . So he said , " Okay , how about this ? I promise , at least once a year , to learn a new craft and to craft something for you . " They left the theater and found the nearest newsstand . Newsstand wasn 't really the word for the thing . These roadside stalls , common to most every town they 'd visited , were stocked with tools , small appliances , old photographs , and bits of junk neither of them could identify . But there were also books , maps , glossy magazines , and copies of the latest newspapers . They scoured the papers for mention of the play , for anything having to do with its author . New merchandise was unloaded at a neighboring stand , and the other patrons swarmed away . A man in shiny green shorts came up to Laura and said , " Take these for a minute ? " He dumped two babies into her arms and was gone before she could say anything . " That asshole goon . There was something about the way you two looked at each other in the bar . Like it wasn 't the first time you 'd talked . " She kept turning pages as she spoke . " He came up to me in the first week , I think . You were - I don 't know , in some store , looking for that soda you like . " " No better than anyone else . He said they 'd be keeping track of us . They 're like border guards , I guess . And now he just kind of checks in with me sometimes . " " That 's really great , " Jim said , bouncing the baby against his side . " So as long as you guys are pals , do you think you could get us deported home or something ? And while you 're at it , maybe you could ask him for my hand back ? Because I really liked having a right hand . " " It 's not like that , " Laura said . " He doesn 't want to help . It 's more like he 's waiting for me to slip up . Like he 's looking for an excuse to - I don 't know what . To do something really bad to us . " Jim tapped the stump of his arm against what looked like a toaster oven . " He already has done something really bad to us , Laura . But apparently you 've got too big of a crush on this guy to worry about it . " " It 's tomorrow , or maybe the day after . The day we were supposed to get married . " She shoved the other baby at him - now he had one on his left side and the other wobbling under his right arm . Both babies were red - faced and bawling as Laura ducked out of the stall and walked off . He went over to the man in the rattan chair and said , " You know this guy , Gray ? Gray . Turtle soup , singing . Come on , help me out here . " " Gray , sure , sure , " the man said , standing up , shaking himself free of the babies . He took a utility knife out of his pocket and cut the twine from a bundle of thick books , then set them aside until he found the one he was looking for . The cover said simply Gray in big , blocky type . She 'd already disappeared around the corner . Jim closed the book , tucked it under his arm , and ran in the direction she 'd gone . He thought he spotted her straw hat , bouncing above the downtown lunch hour crowd , but it was just the basket on a melon salesman 's head . " West or east ? " he 'd asked her one day . They were on a train that sped along the edge of a deep , river - hewn chasm . " I just want to know if we 're going west or east . " That night , Jim sat in a sculpture garden in what he thought must be the center of the city . There were statues of cats , of moons , of arches shaped like horseshoes . It reminded him of something . " That cereal , " he said to the musician who was sharing his carafe of spiked Pow - Pow . " That breakfast cereal with all the little marshmallows in it ! " But the musician just shook his head , and plucked a few notes on his zither while his two babies splashed in the fountain . It was completely dark inside . The windows were no - way windows , tinted on both sides . But the engine roared , and the car veered and rattled , and somehow the driver was driving . The radio was on and tuned to something old - timey . The air was very cool , though Laura could feel the press of many bodies around her . " Remember that day ? " said the chief goon . " The house by the sea , the second time I saw you ? Stay , I wanted to tell you . Just stay with me . " She remembered : a cloudless afternoon , a dusty road out of town through tall grass , the ancient house on the high sea cliffs . The door was unlocked , and the retired colonel - the one they 'd been told might know the way home - was dead or away or had never existed . She and Jim wandered countless bare rooms , dizzied by views of rock and wave and sky , until back in the entry hall they heard for the first time the sickening slosh of the goons ' arrival . Only the handsome one , the one with thick blond hair and a big grin , the one who 'd told her weeks before how it would go , walked in on solid feet . She thought maybe she could reason with him , but instead she 'd said to Jim , " We have to run , " and they ran , and kept running . The other goons were chuckling . There were more of them than could possibly fit inside that car : dozens , maybe . They could have filled a small theater . Jim wandered until he came to the bus station . He sat for a while , watching the drivers raise their rope ladders and motor away . Then he walked over to a food stall and watched sausages turn under the heat lamps . He was hungry but his money was gone . He said to the boy in the stall , " Hey , can I have one of those sausages and not pay you for it ? " He felt a little better after that . He stole a pen from a ticket booth window , then found a stack of leaflets advertising masks and baskets . The backs of the leaflets were blank . He made posters , drawing Laura 's face with his left hand . The picture looked like something a five - year - old would make , all squiggly lines and smudges . But with some practice he got her eyes right , and the length of her hair . A janitor saw what he was doing and gave him a little pot of glue . Jim put the posters up all over the bus station , then went outside and stuck them under windshield wipers . He pasted them to telephone poles , to construction site barriers , to windows , to doors . When he was hungry , he found an open - air market , ordered a bowl of noodle soup , and asked if he could have it for free . The chef just shrugged and said , " Sure , Jim , it 's all yours . " He made more signs . He wrote , Jim wants to marry this girl but he can 't find her ! He plastered one neighborhood with them , took a bus to another neighborhood , plastered that one too . Sometimes people recognized him and cheered him on . A kid gave him a pair of nice blue sneakers with stars on them . They were too big , but he wore them anyway , letting them flop around as he walked . By evening he was exhausted . He found a door in the base of an overpass , opened it , and went into the empty room on the other side . He curled up on the cement floor , said Laura 's name aloud to himself , and slept . " Because there are people who want to know how many turtles there are . The real problem , though , was that no one had counted dream turtles before . Should they be counted like regular turtles ? And what if the stones woke up ? What would happen to the turtles then ? The boy knew he needed some good advice , so he went to the girl who could predict the future . " Jim was awakened by a gentle knocking and the orange light of morning in his eyes . A woman stood in the doorway . She was short with short pale hair , and very pretty . " Mr . Jim ? " she said . " Mr . Jim , I wonder if I could speak with you now ? " She took a notebook and pen from her vest . " Are you sleeping in here , Mr . Jim ? I never thought of that before . Anyone could just walk right into one of these rooms and take up residence ! " The woman leaned against the doorway as she laughed , her knees buckling slightly . " Of course it wasn 't ! " she said . " Is this the real you , Mr . Jim ? It is , it is . How can you keep it up ? " Jim realized that the biographist didn 't have a baby . She wasn 't from this city , and maybe not from this country . The thought dizzied him : other , stranger nations in this already too - strange place . " Listen , " he said , " I think you 've got the wrong idea about me . I 'm not supposed to be famous . Back home , I 'm pretty much just like everyone else . " She tapped the biography with her pen . A dozen times yesterday Jim had nearly left the book behind : hard enough hanging all those posters with one hand . But he 'd kept it , and last night he 'd used it as a pillow again . He flipped through the biography as the biographist watched . " Yes , " he said at last . " Yes , I am very interested in the life and work of the author Gray . " " It tastes like regular turtle soup , except fizzier , and it evaporates on your tongue . The boy ladled the soup into wooden bowls , and everyone had a little , and they all thought it was very good . But the girl who could predict the future arrived late , and there wasn 't any left for her , and she told them about the bad things that were to come : the storm , and the battle , and the waking of the stones - " " It 's not a happy story , " Laura said , " and it doesn 't turn out well . " She took a breath to keep her voice steady , but when she tried to speak again her voice wasn 't there at all . How long had she been in this car ? How many hours , how many days ? The silence , without her voice to break it , was terrible . Even now , she thought , that monster in the front seat was enjoying this , enjoying his job . The goons loved getting angry , loved knowing that she would eventually disappoint them . Loved having the excuse they needed to snuff her out . The goons settled in again , but as she told her story , she could tell they were no longer listening . She 'd failed , somehow . The driver shifted gears , shifted direction . The car swayed , moving fast now , and Laura braced herself against the seat to keep upright , to keep herself from falling into one of those vile forms in the dark . The biographist drove Jim into the hills , along winding roads choked nearly to the narrowness of a footpath by flowering bushes and vines . A gentle rain fell , but they kept the windows cracked . There were bottles of Purple Pow - Pow in a cooler in the back seat , and Jim helped himself . He had to hold the bottle between his legs while he twisted off the cap . An hour passed before they turned off the road and through an open wrought - iron gate . The biographist stopped the car there and let the engine idle . She gave Jim another serious look and said , " You don 't have to do this . " " Gray can be very mean to people . I heard he gave terrible , terrible presents to his own biographist . But you and me , Mr . Jim , we could keep on driving . Do you know how much coastline we have here ? It just goes and goes . " Jim twirled the purple liquid at the bottom of his bottle . He could say yes , he thought , and his own old world would never know the difference . The two of them would drive , and he would talk , and she would write things down and laugh , and who knows ? But he was already shaking his head . " I have to talk to him . I have to find out if he knows where Laura is , and if anything here adds up to anything else . " She nodded , very solemn , and put the car back into gear . Neither of them spoke as they rode through more bushes and then out over a green meadow . The sun was clear of the clouds now , and the air was hot and damp . Beyond the fields , the broad valley was dotted here and there with houses and swimming pools . Before he and Laura crossed over , Jim had tried hard to love planning their wedding . He read wedding magazines , and pitched his ideas , even the ones he knew Laura 's aunt wouldn 't go for . " Everybody has doves , " he said at dinner one night . " What would really liven things up is a falconry demonstration . And let 's have a medieval feast . People can eat with their hands and drink tankards of ale . " He knew how far he could push things before Laura got upset , and he pushed things just that far , then stopped . The wedding he was talking about wasn 't a wedding at all , but a spectacle meant to make people scratch their heads . A ceremony that didn 't mean what it meant , because what it meant scared the hell out of him . Three great pavilions were festooned - festooned was the word - with streamers , blinking bulbs of glass , and giant glittery suns and moons . Beneath the tents and spilling out over the lawn were hundreds of revelers , people in suits and dresses but also in masks and wigs and corduroy clown costumes . People on stilts , or riding alpacas , or driving miniature cars with plastic eyes on the hoods and big furry wheels . Babies , painted bright colors and decorated with ribbon , rode laughing on shoulders or careened over the grass . There were ice sculptures : birds , mountains , helicopters , treasure chests , symbols that might have been religious or might have been signs for money or mathematical functions , all melting into clear pools . Music came from one of the pavilions . It sounded like a brass band , heavy on percussion , piped through a Theremin . The noise made the car rattle . The biographist must have brought him in through a back way , because more people were arriving by the minute , in cars and on motorcycles , sliding down ladders out of buses . She touched his hand . " We had only so much to go on . But the wedding , it sounds very important . So we wanted to build it proper . " Jim got out of the car . People saw him and cheered . They held up sheets of paper : the fliers he 'd plastered all over town . Jim wants to marry this girl ! Laura 's poorly drawn face , hundreds of times over . He ran through the crowd , and the biographist followed him . She had her notebook out again . " Mr . Jim , Mr . Jim , " she said . " What are you feeling right now ? " Jim was thinking too much to think about what he was feeling . He was thinking about these tents . One was full of food ( enormous aspics jiggling between piles of olive loaf and stacks of Pow - Pow ) , one was for dancing ( laser lights bounced off euphoniums and shining steel drums ) , so maybe the third tent was for the ceremony . And maybe he 'd find Laura there . Streamers and flash bulbs popped as he strode over the lawn , his too - big sneakers flopping . People touched his arms , back , and neck , then whirled away screaming , as though they 'd won a prize . A corduroy clown on stilts leaned back and bellowed , " No telling what 'll happen , folks ! " As soon as Jim entered the tent , the music stopped and the crowds hushed . A few people followed him inside and sat on pillows , set babies in their laps . Others peered in from just outside . Others , he saw , watched live feeds projected onto screens out in the field . The biographist kept close , and kept taking notes . Standing at the altar was a man in loose - fitting brown clothes . Jim recognized the long hair , long nose , and wide eyes from the pictures in the biography . Gray opened his arms and said , " Jim , my boy . There you are . Such a long time I 've been waiting for you . " The car stopped , doors opened . She closed her eyes against the light . The chief goon took her arm , and she grabbed her hat as he pulled her outside . His hand felt cool on her arm . " This isn 't how I wanted things to go , " he said . " I wanted a happy ending . " Damp grass brushed against her ankles as he led her forward . She put her hat on and pulled the brim low , squinting to see . She 'd expected some nameless spot in the desert , buzzards overhead , a shovel to dig with , but here was a lush green place , full of people and noise and music . It looked as though a party was underway . " Dunno , " the chief goon said . " It 's Gray 's thing . He said to bring you , but I figured if it worked out between you and me . . . " He threw his head back and set his jaw , making a show of not showing how hurt he was . The goon didn 't answer , but led her across the field toward something so bright she couldn 't look at it directly . An enormous mushroom , growing dome - like over the grass . No , it was a tent , and there were three of them . Three , just like she 'd told the chief goon a few days ago at the Set - It - Down Saloon . Gray . The wedding guests loved him . Loved him as he strutted over the rugs , telling Jim and Laura 's story . They already knew how it went , but they loved hearing Gray tell it : the bus rides and train rides , evenings camped out in strange bars and diners , those jellyfish men close behind . The biographist , in a trance , listened and wrote everything down while the others swooned and held their breath . Jim thought maybe he loved Gray , too . There was something familiar about him , like an uncle he 'd forgotten he had . Or like all the mad scientists in all the movies that had mad scientists in them . Gray hugged Jim , and Jim hugged him back . Gray said , " Are you ready ? " " Ready for your own marriage , " said Gray , " so long in the making ! " To Jim he added quietly , " And for the premiere of my greatest work to date . Congratulations , my boy . We 're so pleased that you could be part of it . " He told the rest of the story . Told how Jim lost his hand - gasp ! - told how the goons captured Laura - groan ! - told how the goons had her still . " My footmen , " Gray called them . Did they report to this man , then ? Had they hunted Laura and him on Gray 's behalf ? " I knew you 'd come one day , " Gray said . " But you got here on your own , didn 't you ? You found the clues I left . " Gray looked at him and waited . Everyone looked at him and waited . It was his turn to say something . He said , " It was in your play . Everything That Swims . " " And we 'd heard it before . A fortuneteller told us how we 'd get home . ' A window or a small box , ' she said . " Jim went close to Gray and grabbed his arm . He wanted to talk to him , not to everyone . " So you know what it means , " he said . That got the guests going again , and while they laughed and applauded , Gray turned to Jim and spoke quietly and quickly . " A fortune teller said the same thing to me once . An old drunkard , lived down by the docks . He spread his cards over the top of a barrel and told me how to get home . ' A window or a small box , ' he said . If it were a window and a small box , then maybe we 'd have something . It might have to do with an arrangement of some kind : window , box , box , window . But which of the two is it ? And which of the million windows and small boxes ? For a while I thought it was a local turn of phrase , and I tried it out on everyone I met . Best I can tell , it doesn 't mean anything at all . It 's just something fortune tellers say to people like us . " " Don 't you understand ? " Gray said . " I 'm not from around here , either . We 're over the wrong rainbow , Jim . East of east of Eden . But it 's ours , don 't you see ? I don 't want to go home , and neither will you . They love us here . These people will gobble up anything , just anything . It pains me how easy it is . Watch . " Gray turned and raised his arms . " A wedding ! " he said . " With the great turtle presiding over the ceremony ! " The wire - and - fabric turtle suspended above the altar moved its head and legs , and the wedding guests roared . Now Jim spotted a familiar face . The curly - haired boy from the theater walked up the aisle , carrying a plain hinged box in both hands . When he reached the altar , he stopped , knelt , and held the box up to Jim . The chief goon dragged Laura through the crowds . People saw them coming and hopped out of the way ; some danced and shrieked when they saw the goons in the grass . Laura glimpsed a screen in a field , and for a moment Jim 's face appeared projected . She moved toward it , but the chief goon pulled her close . " I know you 'll only ever hurt me , " he said to her as they walked . " And my wild , madcap heart can 't bear it . I have to let you go , don 't you see ? " But he didn 't let her go , only pulled her more and more quickly toward the tents . The music had stopped , and the sun was going down . The chief goon said , " I wish I didn 't feel like this . You 've turned me into something I 'm not , Laura . I never used to care . I never gave two bits about anyone ! " It 's all right , she wanted to tell the goon , everything is going to be all right , but she didn 't think that would help , and she didn 't think it was true . Into the smallest of the three tents they went , and here was candlelight , and hundreds of people perched on pillows , and some kind of ceremony underway . A man in what looked like yoga clothes stood at the front of the crowd . And beside him was Jim , her own Jim . She called his name , and the wedding guests turned and gazed at her . They shuffled to their feet and said , " Oooh ! " as the chief goon led her down the aisle . Music struck up from the next tent over . It was a wedding . It was her wedding or something like it , and aside from the fact that Jim was here , it was all horribly , horribly wrong . Gray pushed him toward the box . The old man was surprisingly strong . How long had he been stuck in this place ? Long enough to get used to being the most interesting thing around , Kal - El under a yellow sun . But this superman was jealous and spiteful , and when Jim and Laura 's wedding began to eclipse him , he must have decided to claim it for himself . Jim watched that big goon walk his bride grimly down the aisle . She stumbled , but he kept her marching . Would do worse , Jim thought , if he didn 't stick to his role . So he put his hand on the box . It was warm to the touch . The biographist , writing again , shook her head and said , " Oh , Mr . Jim , " as though the whole thing was already written . And maybe it was . He found the catch and slid it aside . A small , spindly doll lay curled inside . Its wooden limbs were hinged , like those of a posable artists ' mannequin . It wore blue jeans and a floral print shirt , and its face , Jim thought , looked a lot like his . The doll stretched its arms and legs . Then , clacking and moving fast , it climbed out of the box and onto Jim 's arm . It crawled up past his elbow , moving like a bug . Jim tried to fling it away , but the doll held tight . He screamed . Laura screamed , too , and the wedding guests went silent . A few fainted , and babies began to cry . The music screeched to a stop . The goons grinned , all of them except their leader , who just looked sad about the whole thing . Gray gestured with his left hand . The puppet didn 't stop squeezing until Jim took his place there at his side . Even then it kept a strong grip . The biographist wiped tears from her eyes as she scribbled notes . Gray gestured with his other hand , and the goon brought Laura forward . She stepped onto the rugs , but turned and took the goon 's arm in both hands . " Please , " she said to him . " Please help us . " The goon sighed and looked at Jim . " Look , " he said , " I 'm a free agent , but he 's under contract now . Nothing I can do . " He sounded genuinely sorry . The other goons only smirked . She recognized the one from the Set - It - Down , the one that Jim had punched and that she had knocked out with her knapsack . She went to stand in front of him and his smirk fell away . He looked at the chief goon , as though for instructions , but Laura didn 't give them the chance to talk it over . She tore the goon 's shirt open and plunged her hand into his chest . The goon 's eyes widened , and his breath went out of him . The sound was echoed by the hundreds of wedding guests in the tent and beyond . Laura felt around in the gooey mess of the goon 's innards , cool jelly between her fingers . She found what she was looking for and pulled , but the goon , showing his teeth , wouldn 't release her . Her hand began to tingle , and her fingers went numb . She looked at the chief goon . He seemed to understand what she was up to . He nodded at the other goon , and , frowning , the goon let her go . In her hand was Jim 's missing hand , perfectly preserved and dripping goo . The guests gasped at the sight , and Jim felt weak to see it there . His hand ! They 'd done so much together . He wanted to talk to it , wanted to hold it in his arms , his own baby . But Laura didn 't give it to him . She tossed it straight into the box the doll had crawled from , still open in the actor 's hands . It landed with a thump and the boy looked at it . The thing on Jim 's throat perked up . It knew that the hand had something to do with Jim , and it was on to the scent . It crawled back down his arm , head turning as though to sniff the air . Gray went to the chief goon and grabbed him by the lapels . The guests were loving it , though , and the goons saw their new part in the show . They circled their former employer . He shouted at them to desist , to make room . But the chief goon gave a signal , and Gray vanished in a whirl of pinstripes . They got married . Not that night , but two weeks later , with just a few friends in attendance at the Set - It - Down Saloon . They were hoping for a cake , but no one knew what cake was , and when Laura explained the recipe to the chef , he laughed and said , " But alpacas don 't lay eggs ! " Instead there were muffins , or something like muffins . The bartender 's cousin brought them , and they were a hit , a sure thing . " Here 's to a sure thing ! " the bartender toasted . They didn 't dress up for the ceremony . He wore his flowered shirt , and she wore her straw hat , and the vows worked fine . For their honeymoon , they asked the goons to chase them for a while , and the goons obliged . They took buses and trains from town to town , and saw a lot of the country they hadn 't seen before . They saw things that didn 't make much sense to them , and some things that did . When they got back to the city that wasn 't Los Angeles , Laura found one of the signs Jim had made glued to a telephone pole . They decided to stay . The house was at the edge of the field where Gray had tried to marry them . It was dark and low - slung , but Laura discovered a room in the back with a view of the broad valley below . " We 'll take it , " she said , though only Jim was there to hear her . She began to write . She had some ideas for a play - for a few plays , it turned out . The plays did well , and one of the bigger productions made a real star of the boy with curly hair , who was free from his old contract . The biographist moved in , and when she was done with Jim 's biography she started working on Laura 's , and when Laura and Jim had children - a boy and a girl - she wrote their biographies , too . Their children , Jim and Laura admitted to themselves , were a little strange to them . They went to school and were given babies to raise , and they were experts at pig and pepper , and they spoke to each other in a way that was different from how they spoke to their parents . But the children listened patiently to stories from the far - off land of upstate New York , like the one about the warrior who stalked the forests and was the last of his kind , and the one about the schoolteacher who saw a rider with no head , and the one about the man who fell asleep in the mountains and woke to find the world changed . Then they didn 't want to hear those stories anymore , so Jim and Laura stopped telling them . There were some hard times : Their son was often sick , and he did poorly at school . He ran away , got into some kind of trouble they didn 't understand , trouble that plagued them for many years with documents and visits from officials . Later , the chief goon took him on as a kind of apprentice , and after a few years he went full - time , and they didn 't see much of him after that . Jim learned crafts . He learned to knit one - handed , and he learned how to brew Pow - Pow , and he learned spelunking , which wasn 't a craft , exactly , but he took Laura with him into the caves . It was a popular thing to do here , and they made friends with fellow spelunkers , and got spelunking newsletters in the mail , and Laura wrote a play about spelunking that proved to be her biggest success . All comments must meet the community standards outlined in Tor . com 's Moderation Policy or be subject to moderation . Thank you for keeping the discussion , and our community , civil and respectful . Name Email Comment |
John is actively saving Petey 's life right now , as I blog . John is saving Petey from me by doing laundry . Otherwise Petey 's life might be in real danger . Allow me to explain . John and I had been to a neighbor 's house a couple of streets over . Since it was such a short distance we opted to walk . I wore some heavy athletic pants since there is a bit of a chill in the air once again . Our neighbor has a sweet little dog that greeted us warmly and continued to make us feel welcome by sitting in our laps . John even gave the dog a belly rub . We had a nice visit with our friends and walked back home . I decided to change pants since I didn 't need such heavy pants in the house . I left the pants in the floor for a moment while I was putting on the others . Petey went over and gave them a good sniffing . As he siffed , I explained that there had been another dog at the house and that John had even given her a belly rub . Petey decided that the only thing to do was to PEE ON MY PANTS . Yes , Petey peed on my pants in the bedroom floor while I was STANDING RIGHT THERE ! Petey did not care that I was yelling at him to stop . It was much more important for him to mark his territory . Hearing all of the commotion , John decided to investigate . He promptly offered to wash the pants for me , thus saving Petey 's life . * * * Honestly , I 'm not really mad at Petey . I 'm stunned and I 'm wondering what else we are in for . He 's an old dog and has always done things his own way . I think it will only get worse from here . * * * Breaking the Rules We know quite well how important it is in this household to follow the rules . One of the most important rules is for all things to be done decently and in order . Petey does not cope well with changes in his well ordered world . We learned that lesson once again last night . Before relating the story from last night , it is important to know what the evening routine should be . Petey goes to bed first , preferably about 9 : 00 . Earlier is better and later will be tolerated but not past 10 : 00 . Then he goes to bed alone . Lori goes to bed second . She is allowed to read until such time that John goes to bed . That is that . It works quite well so there is no reason at all for things to change . Somehow the earth tilted on its axis or there was a wrinkle in the universe because last night John went to bed first , and went to sleep . Petey hurriedly got in bed . He was upset that he 'd been beaten to bed . What 's worse was that John was in Petey 's ' starting position . ' He moves to the center when Lori gets in the bed . Petey 's only option was to get in Lori 's place . This is when the trouble really started . Lori seemed to think that she should get in the bed , in her spot . Petey did not . Petey repeatedly snapped and snarled at Lori every time she tried to get in the bed . The fracas woke up John . He tried to hold Petey still long enough for Lori to get in to the bed . It took several attempts as Petey was snapping and snarling at John . Petey was just plain mad about the situation . Lori finally got in the bed and no one was bleeding . Petey found a nice spot on John 's back between his shoulder blades that needed to be licked . So , Petey set out to licking that spot at a frantic pace . When he was finally dissuaded from licking that spot , there was an equally good spot on Lori 's back . Finally , Petey was pushed completely under the cover at their feet so that they could get to sleep . Apparently , this was far too hot for Petey . He got out from under the cover and positioned himself between their heads panting like he 'd been on the Sahara Desert . Lori gave up and went to the couch . John and Petey spent a restful night in the bed . This will NOT happen again , not on Petey 's watch . During John 's single years he bought himself a lovely camel backed sofa . It was a tone on tone white / ecru . It was quite lovely and suitable for a man living alone . Knowing that he wouldn 't be alone all of the time he purchased an extended cleaning plan , sort of like scotch guard kicked up a notch . Be forewarned , those plans are only good when the business from whom it is purchased continues to actually be in business . The couch was maintained and in quite good condition in spite of the cleaning folks no longer operating , until several months ago . The couch was showing age just as all furniture does when it is used , but was still quite serviceable until Petey decided to make it his personal toilet . When Petey started peeing on the couch we tried everything we could think of several times and then tried a few more things . We used the training pads ; we used positive reinforcement when he peed outside ; we scolded ; we cajoled . We used pet odor eliminator ; we used febreeze ; we used oust ; we used all three ! We barricaded . At one point the barriers were so elaborate we could hardly get to the couch . I 'm surprised engineering students didn 't come study it . Nothing , I say , nothing worked . Petey still peed on the couch . It didn 't matter how much or how often we scrubbed and cleaned the couch , floor , and rug . It smelled like pee in the living room . We were embarrassed for people to come over . There was always an underlying odor of urine . Forget about laying on the couch to watch TV , at least not without a gas mask . So last weekend we actually drug the couch outside and scrubbed it with ammonia and sprayed it with the hose . God helped us by sending rain in the night to further saturate the couch . After another 24 hours outside detoxing , we decided it was time to bring the couch back inside . While the couch was outside we scrubbed down the living room , even getting to those pesky cobwebs in the corners . When the couch was back inside in the living room , it was glorious . The living room was all clean and shiny and the only scent was the lavender diffuser on the end table . ( Cue the harp music . . laaa . . . ) I ( Lori ) started doing the P90X workout & nutrition plan on October 1 . John and I discussed it . Initially , he planned to do it also but changed his mind for some very good reasons . He 's always been the smart one . Even though , John and I discussed it and agreed , we failed to mention this to Petey . When will we learn ? Petey does not like the P90X workout at all . He could care less about the nutrition plan , but he cannot stand for me to be jumping around in the living room . I 've tried sneaking in there while he 's asleep in another room but I always get busted . For some unknown reason it is not allowed for him to be in another room while I work out . It must be against the Petey code . For some of the routines , I must lay in the floor . This is a real affront to Petey . Every time I get in the floor he comes over and licks my face frantically . I don 't think I am displaying signs of unconsciousness or any distress that might require constant face licking . Until today , I thought that he liked the salty taste from the sweat perspiration glistening . Today , when I refused to stop after the frantic licking , he flung himself down on his brown pillow in the living room . He made sure that his back was to me . Periodically , he would sigh and look over his shoulder to see if I knew he was shunning me . Even though Petey is almost 16 human years old and has quite the grey head , he can still muster a vicious bark . The kind that communicates that he 'll rip your head off right here , right now . It has always been amusing to me because he 's so small . The victims of this ferocity are much larger than him and could just punt him away . So far none have . Most are amused and go on about their business . This was demonstrated most recently last week . Our neighbor whose driveway is next to ours is out of town . A woman that Petey never has liked came by to feed the cat . ( That may be why Petey doesn 't like her . ) Petey began his most vicious rant against her . I ( Lori ) was in the house and John was outside . Initially , I didn 't do anything because I knew John would have the situation in hand . The barking continued and seemed to get worse , so I decided to investigate . When I went out on the back porch . I saw John in our driveway with an amused look on his face . This woman in the neighbor 's driveway going about her business and Petey in our driveway giving the woman a good barking . Just about that time , Petey got strangled . He turned around with his back to the woman . He began to cough , hack , wheeze and gag worthy of a 911 call . This went on for several seconds if not a minute or more . BUT , as soon as Petey had cleared the pipes , he once again turned around and resumed his verbal assault of the woman . The three humans had a big laugh and Petey was a little bewildered as to the humor . The woman actually offered Petey a treat after all of that . Of course he snubbed her and the treat . Who does she think she is being nice to him after all of that ! } catch ( err ) { } Something has happened in our neighborhood to make the flea population grow exponentially of late . Poor Petey . Every time he comes in the house he must be de - flead immediately . Yesterday , after one outing , I pulled off 6 . Later , after another trip outdoors , John pulled of 4 . That is a total of 10 fleas in one day . We talked to the vet about it and were told that even the best flea treatments can take a couple of hours to kill a flea . Petey can 't take that . He 'd scratch himself into oblivion if he had to endure two hours of torture before a flea died . He 's enduring the humiliation a little better . I think as smart as he is , he 's figured out that he feels better once the inspections are complete . He doesn 't like them very much at all , but he 'll stay still long enough for a good once over . BUT , not twice . We have to be quick and thorough ! Yesterday we attending a wedding that was over 2 hours away . We were gone from the house from about 3 : 00 in the afternoon until after 10 : 00 . This is a very bad infraction of the Petey rules . No one should be gone from the house that long . Both people being gone is even worse . Then we were gone waaaaaay past bedtime . That is the perfect trifecta for Petey 's ire . On the way home we discussed just how much trouble we were in and what if anything could be done about it . We wondered if we would be met at the back door , or if Petey had put himself to bed without us . It really didn 't matter since , either way we were in deep trouble . We were met at the door , a little to our surprise since it was after 10 : 00 . Petey zipped outside to take care of business with the expectation that the three of us would go straight to bed . He didn 't dilly - dally outside . He was out and back in quickly so as not to waste precious sleep time . Little did he know that we had been listening to the Alabama game on the radio all the way home and that there were still a couple of minutes left in the game . We rushed in to turn the TV on and actually watch the last few moments of the pounding the Tide was giving Michigan . This was quite upsetting to Petey . He spend the next few minutes as the game ended huffing and puffing at us as he walked down the hall to the bedroom and back . He flung himself around the living room floor to demonstrate that we should be laying down not sitting down . As soon as the game was over , I ( Lori ) had mercy on the poor dog and went to bed . John likes to watch the interviews and recaps at the end of the game and he would be several minutes getting to bed . I thought if one of us went to bed that would be fine and Petey would settle down . Oh no ! Petey got in the bed alright , but that was all . He was not settling down to sleep at all . He started under the covers , but had to get on the pillows , then he had a very bad itch . After that he decided the foot of the bed was more appealing and then back under the covers . The itchies struck again and he had to be uncovered to take care of than . On and on , round and round we went , much like a toddler delaying nap time . I was a little tired from a long day and wanted to go to sleep . I told him so and that if he didn 't settle down he 'd have to get up . He got up . I think he thought he was punishing me by not sleeping with . me . He could have been going for John , but it didn 't matter to me . I was glad . I could finally get some sleep . } catch ( err ) { } Petey managed to stay in the bed without falling out last night . He and I ( Lori ) went to bed first like we virtually always do . He likes to get way down under the cover at about my midsection . He was on his side with his paws facing me and apparently had a bad case of RLS . I couldn 't take the constant pitter - patter of little paws on my back . I decided my best course of action was to move to the other side of the bed and work it out with John later . I got up , walked around the bed , and got back in on the other side . That way Petey 's back would be next to me . I could even snuggle against it because he has soft fur . That worked for about 2 seconds . I didn 't time it , so I can 't be sure . As soon as I got settled , Petey flipped over so that those pointy paws were jabbing me repeatedly every few seconds . I thought about getting back up and going back to my rightful side but then realized that I was a human and Petey was a dog . He should be the one adjusting not me . Just about the time I had that thought , he decided to move . He moved so that his head was on the pillow and out from under the cover but his body was still covered like people do . I had to laugh . He doesn 't know he 's a dog . } catch ( err ) { } Last night about 11 : 45 , as I lay dreaming , Petey fell out of the bed . I felt him move , heard a yelp and then a thud . I got up to check on him but he 'd already high - tailed it out of the room . Apparently , hugely embarrassed . I found him in the living room on his brown pillow . I felt of him and didn 't feel anything out of place . He decided to go out , which I thought was a good idea . I watched him walk to the door and down the steps with no problem . He scampered across the driveway , took care of business and came back up the steps . No harm done . He spent the rest of the night in the living room . No harm done there either . The reason I am posting this is because of the dream I happened to be having at the time of the incident . John and I were walking through a lovely landscaped area in northern Alabama . There were lots and lots of pink crepe myrtles that were planted in a very artistic way . He was lamenting that they shed so much and were hard to care for properly . I was concerned for my shoes . The area where we walked was not paved , but just lawn and my heels were sinking as I was wearing my favorite pair of dress shoes . As we walked along , we realized that we were in a Civil War cemetery . We began to look at the various monuments and headstones only to learn that this particular graveyard was for cats ! Yes , CATS ! Just about the time I realized where we were , I felt the move , heard the yelp followed by the thump . Anybody else think Petey knew what I was dreaming and was upset ? He certainly would not like me dreaming about cats , even dead ones . Creepy , huh ? } catch ( err ) { } I have likened Petey to a toddler many times in this blog . His selective hearing , need to be first , and general ' my way or the highway ' attitude have all been discussed here . Yesterday , I was reminded of another toddler like behavior that I don 't think has been mentioned . Be forewarned this is one of those subjects that isn 't discussed in polite company . That is Petey won 't poop in front of us . This is not a new behavior , but is just happened again and made me realize I don 't think I 've mentioned it before . Much like a toddler hides to poop so does Petey . Petey still goes outside , but he won 't let us see him . Yesterday afternoon I let him out . Since I was in the middle of something , I just opened the door for him and went back to finish what I was doing . Then I went outside . Initially , he had his back turned but I could tell he was doing the ' poop walk . ' I won 't go in to detail . I 'll just say I recognized what was happening so I kept my distance . For some reason he turned around . He locked eyes with me and immediately stopped . I knew I 'd messed up , so I told him I 'd go around the corner of the house and wait . It was too late . He 'd dashed behind the garage where I couldn 't see him . I did not follow because I knew what was going on and I didn 't want to be the cause of any digestive upset caused from holding it too long . In a bit , he came trotting up with a look of innocence on his face . I think he thinks we don 't know that he poops . Whatever , I don 't care . As long as he keeps it outside . I ( Lori ) took Petey to the vet today . He 's been sort of lethargic lately and then the last couple of days has been having trouble walking . He has a heart murmur so we 've been warned to watch for the lethargy . He also has arthritis in his back ' hip ' joints . We felt like the two things had flared up on him at once and he needed some help . I mean really , the dog wasn 't even grumpy . It was like it was just too much trouble for him to get upset . We were quite concerned . We speculated as to what the prognosis would be and what sort of tests and / or procedures would be required . We had that hard conversation about just how much time the old fellow had left and should we go for quality of life over quantity of years . It wasn 't a good evening , but it was a conversation that needed to happen . I was alone to take Petey to the vet . I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing . I told Petey that we were going to the vet and the vet would make him feel better . He let out a heavy sigh and wouldn 't look at me in the car . As if , he really knew what I said , but did not agree . I also suggested that he behave but he was already ignoring me . When we got there he would not get out of the car . I had to carry him in . He was a trembling mess when it was our turn to go back to the exam room . On the exam table , it seemed that the important thing for him to do was to bury his head under my arm . That was fine with me and the assistant . As long as he was calm , we were OK . He went willingly with her to the scale . She had him walk so she could observe him . It may be he thought she was taking him out of there . Who knows ? They returned with the vet and another assistant . I figured someone had read his chart and knew that the real Petey would show up any minute and reinforcements would be needed . I suggested a muzzle since Petey had been snippy with us a time or two when we tried to check on his hips . I also offered to leave , thinking he might behave a little better . They agreed to the ' party hat ' as the vet called the muzzle but said I should stay . The assistant held Petey and the vet started her exam . The second person merely observed and I answered questions as they arose . Petey calmly stood and let the vet do her thing while casting woeful glances my direction . Soon enough the exam was over and there was no request for x - rays or other extreme medical tests . No discussion of end of life scenarios . Even his heart murmur was the same as before . It seems Petey has a type of worm caused most likely from swallowing a flea . We were given some medication and sent home . Petey was as good in the car on the way home as he has ever been in his whole life ! I even went through the drive thru at the bank and he didn 't mind . ( She didn 't give him one of those nasty treats either , probably because she couldn 't tell he was in the car . ) I gave him the medicine as soon as we got home . He had a nice nap and now he 's scurrying through the house like a young pup . I have to shake my head at all of us . John and me for thinking he was near death and Petey for acting like he was near death . You 'd think we 'd learn . We 've lived with Petey long enough to know he 's the drama dog . Such is life with Petey . It is hot here . Actually , that is an understatement . We are experiencing record breaking highs , not just for the day but all time record highs . The afternoon temps are in the triple digits . They have been for several days now and will be for several days more . I am glad to finally not be cold but Petey is the creature most happy about this turn of events . We can 't keep the dog inside . He 's always loved melting in to the neighbor 's black top driveway in the heat of the summer sun , but this is a whole new level . The back - door to our house is on the west side of the house . In the afternoon it always gets toasty warm in the summer . The past few days the metal screen has been too hot to touch . We 've not latched the door so that it can just be pushed open . Seriously , it is hot ! Petey , has insisted on going out and napping on the back porch right in the hot sun . He 'd lay there for hours if we 'd let him . We don 't know why he 's staying on the porch rather than going to the neighbor 's driveway . We think it might be his hips . He doesn 't like going up and down steps so much . It matters not , he gets plenty of sun right there on the back porch . It is closer to the sun too , since it is a little higher ! We are careful not to let him stay out more than about 20 minutes . We don 't know if dogs can sunburn or not , but we do know they get heat stroke and heat exhaustion . He 'll come in when we make him . He 'll pant and carry on like he 's just run 10 miles , but soon enough he 's standing at the back - door wanting out again ! We stall him for as long as possible , but that dog is quite insistent . We 'll finally break down , let him out and the cycle starts over . In fact , I think he 's standing there now , looking forlorn , waiting for me to open the door . Our back door has the hinges on the right and opens on the left . Petey has this habit of putting his head right up against the left side of the door so that he can rush out the second the door is open . Perhaps he is concerned that we 'll change our minds about letting him out during the door opening process and he has to make it out quickly . Perhaps it is a strong desire to be the line leader . Perhaps he wants to check for danger before we exit the building . Who ever knows with Petey . We are accustomed to this little quirk ( along with all the rest ) and think very little of it . Recently we went to my mother 's house and took Petey with us . Her front door opens the opposite way . The hinges are on the left and opens on the right . Petey did not notice this slight change in architecture . He recognized the signs of us leaving and immediately put his head in position to zip right out the door as soon as it opened . Only this time there was one small problem . The door didn 't open on that side and he bashed his head . We don 't really think he got a brain concussion but he took a pretty good knock on the old noggin . It didn 't knock any sense in to him either . I 'm really sorry we didn 't have a video camera to capture the moment . I 'm sure it would have gone viral . I blogged about trying to brush Petey 's teeth some time ago . This afternoon this comment popped up in response to that post . I have deleted the brand name , because they aren 't paying me to advertise for them . " X Brand toothbrush can help you make a clean sweep of mouth bacteria . Oral hygiene is important when you want to keep your smile bright , your teeth and gums healthy , and your breath fresh . " Poor Petey has always struggled with fleas . It is like they are more drawn to him that any other animal outside . This time of year we constantly battle the fleas to keep Petey comfortable . Earlier this week we gave Petey a bath and put a flea treatment on . It was one of those ' better than Frontline ' types . I can 't recall the name right now . We thought we were ahead of the game but we were wrong . Last night we got four fleas off that poor animal . Four , count them , four fleas . He was miserable . He was so miserable that he didn 't object to our dousing the fleas with lotion to drown them while they were still on him . It had the added benefit of making his skin nice & soft too . John then put flea spray all around his neck . The hope is that will create another barrier for those vile pests . Pete 's been a lot calmer toda - I think I hear the tale tell thumping of a paw , that can only mean scratching - the war is not over ! Earlier this evening there was a knock on our front door . John answered . I heard the exchange of men 's voices , a " no thanks " from John and a pleasant farewell by the young man at the door . I couldn 't understand anything else to know what the exchange was actually about . I asked John what he was selling . John told me that he was not selling anything but collecting funds for the democratic party . The second he heard that , Petey launched himself off the couch with great fury , like he used to do when someone knocked on the door . We went to great lengths to keep people from knocking on the door to avoid scenes such as this . Petey puffed his fur up to its greatest volume to make himself as ferocious as possible . He barked and growled as he scurried around the living room looking for any trace of that intruder like he was going to rip his head off . Petey was completely calm and quiet up until that point , so we can only assume that he 's a republican . We didn 't know dogs held political beliefs . I feel compelled to preface this post with a little walk down memory lane . I think it will make a little more sense that way . Who knows though ? I 'm not sure how often I ever make sense . When I was a little girl , on Sunday afternoons after church , Daddy would play gospel music on the stereo . This was in the days of LPs . ( LP stands for Long Playing record . They were played on a turntable at 33 1 / 3 rpm , as opposed to 45s . ) We had a very nice stereo so that several LPs could be stacked . Once one album was finished another would drop down and play until the entire stack had fallen . It was really cool . I have memories of hearing Tennessee Ernie Ford and his deep , rich voice singing some of the old majestic hymns . Among my favorites were " When the Roll is Called Up Yonder " and " Whispering Hope . " For some time , I 've been looking for those songs on various music venues on line but have not been successful . So , for Christmas this year , my mother cleaned out the old albums and allowed all of us to take those we wanted . I was so happy to see that those two songs were on one album and snatched it right up . There was another album by old Ernie that I took along with a Pat Boone , The Plainsmen , and two compilation albums . I didn 't get to listen to them right away because the turntable wasn 't in working order . We don 't often use it now . I also didn 't feel like subjecting John to the music . His preferences run towards classic rock , like that of the 1970 's not 1950 's and 1960 's gospel music . ( My coveted album is dated 1962 . ) When I realized that John was going to be out of the house for several hours and that the turntable was working , yesterday seemed like the perfect time to see if my memories were accurate . I first put on the album with my two favorites . It was just like I remembered . Funny thing , of all the songs on the album those two seemed to have the most skips . Maybe they were Daddy 's favorites too , and we listened to them the most . What does this have to do with Petey ? At this point , he was resting calmly on his big brown pillow which happens to be directly in front of the sound system . He continued to calmly rest there seemingly content to listen along with me . Petey and I listened to and enjoyed both of the Tennessee Ernie Ford albums a couple of times . Then I decided to give the Plainsmen a spin . Let 's just say the first song did not suit my musical taste . I was not at all offended and somewhat amused when Petey made a beeline for the back door . I let him out while they twanged on , hoping it would get better . It didn 't . I left the back door propped open because I didn 't want to miss hearing him scratch while listening to my music . I scanned the album cover for a favorite song . I found one and moved the stylus over to that song . My thinking was that maybe I 'd enjoy them more listening to a song I already liked . I was wrong . It was worse . I took the Plainsmen off the turn table . I looked at the compilation albums . One had the Plainsmen on it , so I decided against both of them and gave Pat Boone a try . Pat was good . Once Petey heard that Pat was on , he came trip - tropping back in the house and took his place on the big brown pillow . In fact , I think he preferred Pat . He could have gone anywhere in the house . He could have stayed outside , but he curled up on the pillow and listened along with me . Petey 's hearing isn 't what it used to be . But he knows good music when he hears it . And he knows bad . He 's not going to waste any of his hearing on bad music . I can 't say as I blame him . We can 't figure out how to make it work with him . We 've tried several times , but to no avail . The other night , John had Petey in his lap trying to use the fingertip brush , but Petey would not allow it . He had that we take Petey on the back porch where he thought we 'd have more leverage . This was because we trim his toenails out there . We tried a couple of times , but John never so much as got his finger under Pete 's lips . I 'm trying to gradually introduce the toothbrush still . It may never work but this won 't be so traumatic for us or him . Yesterday I got him to chew on the toothbrush a bit after rubbing it in the meat drippings left on my plate . I pushed too hard though when I put a dab of toothpaste on the brush and then added the drippings . He was finished . I 'm not . self . John and I just got back from a much needed beach trip . While we were there the only souvenir we got was a canine teeth cleaning kit for Petey . I opened it while telling Petey it was his and how much he was going to like it . He did like the toothbrush a lot . He chewed on it for a good while . I put a little of the toothpaste on my finger and he licked that One step at a time . I 'll let him chew on the toothbrush again tonight . If that goes well , tomorrow , I might put a little toothpaste on it and see what happens . One day before too long , I might actually be blogging Hi . Petey here . I fear the humans in the house have lost their minds . It started with the female . She saw blood on my hind quarters the other day and looked and looked at me to find the bleeding . Failing that , she went on a quest to find what was making the blood like stain on my white fur . She washed my bed and blankets thinking they had some thing in them staining me . What a silly woman . Now , I have to get my fur back on them and scent them just the way I like them . Although , I confess I like it when she gets them out of that warming box , but I digress . I continue to torture the male with my hunger strikes . He goes through all sorts of gyrations to get me to eat . He just doesn 't get it . I don 't want it . It doesn 't matter what sort of " food " he puts in front of me I . DON ' T . WANT . IT ! I don 't care if he heats it . I don 't care if he mixes in some of his food . I 'm not going to eat until I 'm good and ready he can just get over it . Then , the two of them ganged up on me on Saturday night . They looked in my mouth and saw blood . As if , I didn 't have the situation firmly in hand by not eating and wiping the blood on my fur , they took me to the vet ! THE VET ! ! This quack decided I need to be on antibiotics . Huh ! That 's what they think . They can cajole , beg and plead all they want . I am not taking those pills , not , not , not ! The woman even got my peanut butter out . Yes , I have my own jar of peanut butter . She seems to think that she 's tricking me in to taking the pills by slipping one in the PB after giving me a few licks . She 's so silly . I 've been on to her game all along . After all , I have my own jar of peanut butter . But this time , I 'm not caving . I 'm not falling for their little tricks . I heard them discussing forcing it down . I 'm not sure what that means , but I 'm sure I 'm not going to like it . I 'm going to hide out under the computer table . They 'll never find me here . I admit the first picture is staged . I don 't usually take pictures of the bed . I had made the bed and went in to the other room Soon Petey walked in and jumped on the bed . I heard all sorts of scratching and carrying on coming from the bedroom . I went to investigate and found Petey on the bed . I don 't know how he got the pillows around him like that . Petey apparently takes a nice nap every morning after the house is empty . We had suspected so , but didn 't know for sure . Two recent events however , confirmed our suspicions . First a couple of weeks ago I had to come home for something in the middle of the morning . I gave very serious consideration as to if I really , truly needed to come home or not . I knew I 'd be violating the Petey Rule of only leaving once a day . Also , since the trip home would be a quick stop & go in rapid succession it would be even worse . After consideration , I knew I had to do it . I would make up for it with extra treats . So , I got home and was a bit surprised that I was not greeted at the back door with great enthusiasm nor was I met with sinister barking , just a resounding silence . I tiptoed through the house and got what I needed . I saw that Petey was still under the covers in the bed just where I 'd left him over two hours before . I was honestly concerned that ole Pete might not be with us anymore , so I gingerly pulled back the covers . I didn 't want to wake him and expose my rule breaking ways , but I couldn 't just let him stay there if my worst fears were confirmed . I watched carefully until I saw the deep breathing and then slipped the covers back in place and tiptoed back out . Whew ! Petey would never know . Since that time , I had a bout with a little bug that required me to stay home from work and in the bed . Let 's just say that Petey was mad . He made it very clear that I was messing up his routine . He wanted in the bed and he wanted in the bed alone . It didn 't matter to him how I was feeling . I was not supposed to be in the bed . He kept coming back to the bedroom . When he would find me still in the bed , he would let out a heavy sigh and meander out of the room . After several times of this , I had mercy on the poor dog . I decided I felt well enough to lay on the couch . Once I did that and Petey got the bed , life was much better for both of us . Petey has claimed the recliner now as his own . John knows better than to fight it . Not only has he started napping on the love seat . He 's been putting a blanket in the recliner . On Sunday he even moved Petey 's stairs in front of the recliner . Of course , that could have been a defensive move on John 's part . Petey hates those stairs . He 's quite insulted by the thought the he might need help jumping on the furniture . Posted by Today is Petey 's birthday . He is 15 years old . He is counting the days until he gets his learners ' permit . LOL ! He 's an old man in dog terms . He has grey hair and arthritis , but he still rules the household with a firm paw . He romps up and down the hall whenever he wants to . If he doesn 't want to , he won 't and no amount of coaxing helps . He snuggles in any place warm and claims that territory for his own . He fights for his territory and he wins . He begs shamelessly for bacon treats . Sometimes he 'll lower himself to eat another flavor , but still has a clear preference for the bacon treats . Admittedly , we don 't ration the bacon treats as we once did . We figure age has privileges . Happy birthday to the old man . We 're glad to have him with us . |
Last night I cried , because I thought about my mother , as I often do . I know she must be sinking farther and farther into dementia , and I can 't do anything about it . I love her and miss her , and I wish things had ended differently . ( But I guess she made her choice also . ) I wish I could comfort her , in that far - away place she now dwells . How can you be angry with someone who is now probably like a confused child ? I cry because I remember her fear of dementia , and her fear of having to live that way . I cry because I tried so hard to care for her and please her , and she called me hateful names ( while she was still in her right mind . ) I cry because I 've always loved her , and I just wanted her to love me back . I cry because I wish that I could soothe her fears , and I can 't . All of this is progressing so rapidly , and I could see it plainly awhile back . We were told that it would not get better . I knew that her care needs were more than I could handle anymore , and I was already 3 1 / 2 years into total exhaustion , and sick myself . There should be no shame in saying that I could not continue on as I was . I simply could not . I knew that I was going to die . But my brother didn 't get it . Now maybe he will . How frightening it must be , to be trapped in your very physically ill body , losing your mind . It seems like some kind of cruel nightmare , that has no ending . She was so afraid of becoming like the people we saw in the halls of the nursing home ( where she was for 5 1 / 2 months of rehab . ) I always reassured her , and tried to help her through her confusion , and prayed that it would pass . It really accelerated after her hip surgery . She was never really the same after that , and we were warned by the Ortho doctor that many elderly people are affected that way by the anesthesia . And now I can 't get to her . She might as well be in a castle with a drawbridge and a moat , instead of a small house in a small town with my angry brother , and a caregiver . She 's isolated . She probably wouldn 't want to see me anyway . And I could not go back without becoming totally involved in her care , and I am not physically able to do that anymore . I have been very sick lately , and I just can no longer take the stress of her care , or of her emotional treatment of me . That is why she was so much better off in the Assisted Living , where she could get socialization , food she loved , and medical assistance and supervision . There was a Memory Care Unit there as well , if she needed it later on . But my brother was determined to bring her home , and now he is probably overwhelmed as well . ( You cannot possibly know what it is like to care for all her needs until you 've done it . I could not keep up anymore , and the stress of it all was killing me . ) I needed help desperately . I can only reach her through my prayers . I ask God to comfort her , and strengthen her . I ask Him to take care of her , as I no longer can . I ask Him to soften her heart towards me , and let her memories be of our happy times together ( and there were quite a few , in spite of our problems . ) I ask God to tell her I love her . " Crying while driving " has a nice poetic ring to it , but it is not a wise thing to do . But when you feel like crying , wisdom is the last thing on your mind . So why I am crying while driving ? Because I was on my way home once again , from the nursing home , feeling exhausted and in despair . I cannot reveal yet the total story of things lately , but in time I will . ( So it is much sadder than the words I write . ) Tonight I arrived , with a basketful of clean clothes for my mom , and proceeded to put them neatly in her cabinet . Blouses on one side and pants on the other . I used to combine them into outfits for her , but she said that she would rather pick out her own combinations , and that makes a lot of sense to me , as it is one of the few things that she has any choice about these days . The long sleeved blouses and slacks are on the bottom shelf ; the short sleeved blouses and her gowns are on the middle shelf . The top shelf is reserved for the things she doesn 't need as frequently , like extra boxes of Kleenex , red bedroom shoes , and toilet tissue . And in the separate , but attached , cabinet on the right , there are the diapers , tactfully called " briefs " in this world where there 's only so much stark truth that can be tolerated . I had also bought a standing mirror for her to use , while putting on her makeup and combing her hair . The bedside tray tables in the nursing home do not have mirrors , like the ones in the hospital do . She had been using a hand held mirror , but this would be much more convenient , and less hassle . I am always arriving with things that ( I hope ) will improve the quality of her life , in this place she dislikes so very much . The lady in the room with my mom , called us " angels " and said how sweet it is that we do Betty 's laundry , and fold and put away her clothes . She never had children , but has 2 nieces from Birmingham , who are helping to facilitate her move into an assisted living apartment , on the same property where she previously lived , in a military retirement village . Since the nieces are so far away , their visits are limited , and so this little French lady thinks the attention that we give my mom is wonderful . Betty praised Rob to the skies , calling him " so special " ( as he is actually doing her laundry , bless his heart . ) And as an afterthought , she said , " Lonnette is special too . " Earlier , I noticed a grouping of towels on the end of her bed . They were neatly folded , except for the washcloth , and she explained , " Those are my towels that I 'm going to wash out before I go to bed . " My mind did cartwheels at that statement , but somehow I managed a weak smile , as though I understood . This was just another day in the land of dementia , and it feels like being in the Twilight Zone . One moment things are going well , and the next they aren 't . It is very disconcerting and confusing . I 'm still trying to accept it . My mom was a very smart lady all of her life . Unable to afford college , she worked as a secretary at one place or another . Once she worked for the Coca - Cola company in Atlanta , and after moving to Florida , she worked on one of the military bases for the Comptroller 's office , until she retired . She was an excellent , efficient secretary , and always gave it her all . She was also one of the most organized people that I have ever known ( with regard to paperwork , particularly . ) And still is , or was . We brought 2 Krystal corn - dogs ( by request ) and she was busily ( and happily ) eating them , as we talked . ( She hates the nursing home food , and I don 't blame her . I had a dinner there at a luau one evening , and I didn 't really like it either . ) So as often as I can , I bring her treats , or make picnic dinners or snacks for her . Sometimes I 'll even cook a casserole that she enjoys . I waited for the nurse to make her nighttime drug pass , and asked if I could speak to her for a moment . We discussed the antibiotic , Cipro , that my mom has been on for yet another urinary tract infection , and I remind her to make a note that she has had clostridium difficile before , as a result of that same antibiotic ( in excess . ) ( My mom 's stomach has been upset for several days , and we suspect the Cipro . ) At any rate , my mom then decided that she needed to go to the bathroom , and after helping her safely into the room , we resumed our conversation . Imagine my shock , when they told me that she now refuses to take a shower ! I remembered that a week ago she had refused on a Monday evening , declaring that she had already had her shower earlier in the day . This was part of an elaborate psychotic ( or hallucinatory ) episode that I will discuss in more detail in another post . At any rate , she had not had a shower , and she refused to have one . Tonight they told me that she refused again . ( In the nursing home , they only get 2 showers a week - one on Monday , and one on Thursday . ) They then proceeded to tell me that she refused last Thursday 's shower also . ( This is totally out of character for her . ) " So , you 're telling me that she has not taken a shower since Thursday a week ago ? " I asked in disbelief . ( She last had a shower on a Thursday . Then she missed a Monday , a Thursday , and now another Monday . ) This meant that she would not have a chance at a shower again , until this coming Thursday . Since it was getting late ( for nursing home residents , anyway ) we got up to leave . Then my mom tried once again to get up from her wheelchair , which was at the foot of her bed . I asked her to please let me get it near the bedside for her , and reminded her ( for the hundreth time ) that we needed to lock the brakes on it every time before she got up . She stood , and then pivoted into position on the side of the bed , and sat down . ( They have recently informed me that most of her transfers are unsafe , so they want her to be supervised , but she often attempts the transfers without them . ) As I told her goodnight and kissed her goodbye , I realized that she could not yet lift her feet into the bed alone , because of her hip surgery . I bent down to lift her legs , and she told me that she only needed help with the right leg ( the side of her operation ) and then she showed me that she was able to lift the left leg into the bed . How much can a heart break until it can 't break anymore ? How much sorrow can a person endure until they are numb ? Apparently , I haven 't reached that place yet , as I am still crying . I have been strong beyond my ability . ( Mainly because it wasn 't my ability , but the Lord 's , that has brought me this far . ) Can I trust Him to carry me further still ? There have been no mountaintop experiences in my life for a long time - just valleys that seem to never end . They say that it 's in the valleys that you develop character . ( Whoever they are . ) I wonder how much pain they have survived , to know such a thing , though I do believe it 's true . I must be full of character by now , and I 'm so ready to cry " uncle . " ( It 's an expression for saying " I give up - enough 's enough . " ) But how much is enough ? How hot does the fire get , before you run screaming out of it ( or worse , are consumed by it ? ) How lonely do you have to feel , before someone hugs you tightly and says , " It will be okay . " ( Even if you know it won 't . ) How invisible ( in your pain ) do you have to become , before you completely disappear ? I went to the nursing home this evening , and I found my mom sitting on her bed , eating her dinner . She looked very exhausted and tired . There was a strong odor of urine in the room , though I didn 't mention it . I had tried to call her all day the day before , but had not been able to reach her . I was not able to visit yesterday , as I was not feeling well . And I had tried all day today as well . ( I go at least every other day . Sometimes every day , when I am able . ) After calling and calling , I realized that she could no longer figure out how to answer the phone . My brother had left a cell phone for her , and had painted green where the " answer " button was , and red where the " hang up " button was , but the paint or marker had worn off . So now , she would fumble with the buttons , completely frustrated , trying to answer , with no success . And I would begin to worry when I couldn 't reach her . ( I have to back up a little to tell the story . ) My mom had a fabulous roommate until Saturday . Sophie went home on Saturday morning . It was a very sad time for her and my mom , as they had grown to love each other . They were allies against the nursing home world , and together they could overcome almost every obstacle or trauma . Truly it was a lovely friendship - one made in heaven . On the day she left , my mom requested that Sophie play her German music one more time . My mom had become very fond of it . Sophie always provided atmosphere in the room . On certain nights , you would think you were in a 5 - Star Hotel . Sophie even had a fish , swimming in a serene aquarium , and at night before bedtime , she would dim the lights and play beautiful classical music , or her German songs . ( She was from Germany , and had a lovely accent . ) It was a charming atmosphere for a nursing home room , while Sophie was there . On the same day that Sophie left , Addie arrived . Addie is a large , very confused , and aggressive woman . It was a total culture shock after sweet , precious soft - spoken Sophie . Addie immediately wanted the blinds closed . She could not figure out why she was there , and she cursed under her breath every moment . When I would try to visit my mom , I would often pull the curtain , so that we could talk in peace , but Addie would pull it back abruptly , without warning . She ordered me around , and I did numerous tasks for her , and she kept asking where the remote for the TV was . Sadly , I had to tell her , that they had said that the maintenance man would bring one - but he never did . Not in weeks . ( This has really been hard on my mom , who has a broken hip , and can 't get out of bed to change the channel . ) Since her eyesight has grown worse , it doesn 't leave anything for her to do , but lie in bed . She tries to read the paper , or a magazine now and then , but she can 't see well enough anymore , to read for very long . Addie must have asked 20 times in 30 minutes , about the remote control . Then she wanted to know a million other things … over , and over , and over again . I was nearly crazy , so I know my mom was . She has to live with this 24 / 7 . Even in the night , Addie will curse and say , " I can 't wait to get out of this hell hole . Or , " Oh , God . " ( ETC . ) My mom had broken her right foot and her left leg , and had received therapy , and was about to go home , when she fell one night , on her way to the bathroom , and broke her hip . Now , after a painful surgery , she is once again on another regimen of physical therapy , and this time it is very painful , and even more difficult . In order to get through it , she has to have her rest . Day after day , we all answered Addie 's questions , even though we grew increasingly more frustrated . Finally last Sunday , we decided to complain . My favorite nurse ( a male ) was filling in on my mom 's hall on Sunday afternoon . He usually works on the other hall . When I arrived , much to my surprise , my mom was in her wheelchair , putting on lipstick ( something she has not done in weeks ) , preparing to go to complain with us . ( I thought this was very brave . ) I told the nurse very politely , that the lady was driving my mom crazy , and that I felt she wasn 't getting any rest . He said that he would submit a complaint , and for me to check back . On Wednesday , I went back and asked him if he 'd heard anything , and he said that they would never tell him anything , bu that they would contact us . I told him that I had not heard a word . The CNA , who often works with my mom , agreed that Addie was driving everyone crazy , and said that my mom had finally gotten her told a few times . ( I guess in her frustration , she couldn 't take anymore . ) The male nurse said that he and the CNA ( Certified Nursing Assistant ) would file another complaint . He then told me to check with a nurse ( I 'll leave out her name to protect the innocent ) who would be working on Friday from 2 p . m . through the entire night . He indicated that if I complained again to her , that should take care of it . So that brings us back to this evening ( Friday . ) As I said , I walked in and my mom was sitting on the side of the bed , finishing her dinner . She told me that Addie had put on her ( my mom 's ) clothes , had wet them , and put them in a bag in her wheelchair . ( So that explained the horrible smell when I walked in . ) My nose led me to the bag . By this time , I 'd had it ! I was glad that we had come to complain again . This was just too much . ( Addie was in the dining hall at this time . ) When the nurse came in , we explained what had transpired all through the week , as well as what I had just found . She said , " You mean that Addie is putting on your mom 's clothes , and then wetting them ? " I answered , " That 's what she said , and you can smell the urine . " She agreed , and offered to wash the clothes , as I cleaned my mom 's wheelchair , and Rob gathered up the rest of her clothes to take home and wash . ( But none of us could understand how Addie could possibly fit in my mom 's clothes . ) The nurse left the room , and I put away some gowns and clothes that I had brought for my mom . I finished cleaning her wheelchair with antibacterial wipes , and also cleaned her bedside tray . About this time , the nurse returned and asked to see me outside . She and the CNA were waiting by the entrance , and the CNA proceeded to tell me that my mom had wet the clothes . ( This took a moment to process . ) " I 'm so sorry " , I apologized . " I believed what my mom told me , as she is not one to lie , and she seemed so sure about what had happened . " The CNA told me that my mom was getting worse mentally . She said , " She 's in and out . " I told her and the nurse , that my mom had been a brilliant woman all her life , and had lived completely independently until now . I assured them that while she did have a little confusion and some minor temporary memory problems now and then , that she had never experienced the kind of confusion she was now experiencing , after the surgery . I also told them that for the earlier part of this week , she seemed completely clear to me , except for one or two remarks that made no sense . They said that they would be having her evaluated by the psychiatrist on Wednesday . I asked if I would be told what the evaluation was , and the nurse said that I should call the unit nurse early Wednesday morning , ( early being before 7 : 00 a . m . when the psychiatrist would come ) and tell her I would like to speak with the doctor . ( More run - around probably . I won 't hold my breath , that I will actually learn anything , but we 'll see . ) Rob and I had been on our way to dinner , on this Friday evening , but things had gotten so complicated that we weren 't able to go . When I got back into my mom 's room , she asked if she could get in her wheelchair , so that we could go for a little walk . ( I could not say no - dinner or no dinner for us . I just could not leave her right now . ) So I said that would be fine , and called for the CNA to transfer her to the wheelchair , as she can 't stand right now , and it is a tedious process of moving her legs and body in a certain way , to get into the chair . I went out into the hallway to wait . I found a corner nook , sat down with Rob , and began to cry . It was just too much . I was still trying to process what I had just been told , and the sadness of it all . The tears were streaming down my face so much , that I had to go to a nearby restroom and get some tissue . I apologized to Rob about dinner , and asked if he wanted to go eat alone , or do some errands . He said he would call his mom , while we walked . ( His mom is in Assisted Living in Central Florida . ) So Betty and I escaped ( at least for a moment . ) I took her through the double doors that led to the atrium , where the privileged lived . It was a large open area in the Senior Living residence area . We had visited it before , to see how the " other half " lived . What a contrast between the nursing home , that was tucked away in the back of the building , and the affluence of those who lived in the retirement apartments . We had a very good time . I told her that we were going to run away . We laughed about that , and wished we could . An elderly woman waved to us from her window that overlooked the atrium , and we waved back . We looked at the bowling area , the pool table , the puzzle area ( where 3 dimensional castles had been built , as well as what appeared to be the London Bridge . ) We wheeled right up to the fancy dining hall , and then right into it . The lights were dimmed for the evening , and there was only one worker in the back , who seemed to ignore us . Then we found the pool . I had always smelled chlorine in the atrium , but never saw a pool . Finally , I reasoned that perhaps they didn 't have one , since the whole place was senior citizens , and maybe it would not be safe . But we found it , just off the dining hall . It was a very small rectangular shaped pool for swimming laps , or doing aquacize . The sun was still up , so I wheeled my mom outside into the fresh air - something she has not experienced much of since mid June . We walked completely around the building , a very nice long distance , and then back into the front entrance of the apartments . Sadly , we made our way back to her room , but we were happy with the nice walk we 'd had , and I made a mental note that I could take her to the atrium sometimes , and we could have our snack there . ( I don 't think the people at the retirement apartments would care , and it would be a nice change of scene . ) Once back in the room , she wanted a soda and some crackers , so we sat together at the foot of her bed , and ate peanut butter and cheese crackers . I bring lots of snacks for her , as she has lost 30 pounds since coming to the nursing home ( and she is always giving them away to her favorite helpers . ) Hey , it doesn 't hurt to bribe the best ones . Rob and I decided to go ahead and eat out , and enjoyed a nice dinner ( at 9 : 00 p . m . ) and then on the way home , my cell phone rang . ( I believe she said it was the nursing home Director Of Nursing . ) She was very brash , harsh , and overbearing . She said , " My nurse told me you were upset . " I explained to her that I was no longer upset , but that we did have a problem with my mom 's roommate . She told me that there were only 2 " female beds " available , and they expected a lady to return from the hospital to one , and that the other one was in a room with a lady that sometimes " cried out . " I tried to explain to her that we didn 't want to move my mom , as she had the best room in the nursing home , with a view of the golf course , and lots of bird feeders outside her window . ( She said that she could not move the other lady without her family 's permission . And that she ( Addie ) had previously been in the room with the lady that called out , and her ( Addie 's ) family had asked for her to be moved . ) At a complete loss , I asked her to please not move my mom to either of those rooms , as she was happy with her bed by the window , ( it was just that the other lady was driving her crazy . ) This woman was not compassionate or kind . She would not let me say a word , and I finally gave up in total exasperation , ( deciding that maybe the devil we knew , was better than the one we didn 't know . ) I asked if Addie was due to go home anytime soon , and she said perhaps in a week . So that was that . I slammed my cell phone shut . So this was the culmination of all those complaints , trying to follow nursing home protocol . I was in the van , and the tears began to fall again . Tonight I was finding the world just too cruel , and even though I have been extemely strong through all this , there are those days when it 's just too hard . And so I cry , and for a moment , I let myself experience the horrible reality that has become my life . ( And most importantly , my mom 's life . ) And then I dry my tears , bandage my breaking heart , and go on , afraid to even think about more than the next few hours … As we drove in the van to tell my mom that my step - dad had died , my heart was absolutely broken . I wondered if her heart could take the news , and I was so glad that we were going to tell her in person , for no other way could even be an option . She had previously suffered a heart attack , and I knew that this shock would be precarious to her health , so we wanted to be there for her . I was in shock myself from the events of the day , and felt like I was in another world , where things happened and I was watching from afar , with no say in the outcome , and no way to change the devastating results . I will never forget that I was the first one in the door . My mom had said that she was exhausted after her morning visit to the hospital . ( We had gone early at the request of a nurse , who told me on the phone , that she didn 't think my dad would make it through the day . My mom knew that he had gotten worse , but she didn 't know about that comment . I just made sure that I got her there sooner than we normally went , in case the nurse 's feeling was right . I felt as I stood by his bedside , that this would be the last time I would ever see him alive , and the pain was unbearable , as the tears spilled from my eyes , and ran down my cheeks . I cried for him , I cried for my mom , I cried for our family , and I cried for the great loss I was personally experiencing . But I did not cry out loud , as I would later , because I was trying not to further upset my mother . ) How can I ever tell you all the feelings that welled up in me at that moment ? I could not understand how she could possibly know this , as all the nurses had been informed that we were going to tell her in person , and that we would ask her if she wanted to see him , before they moved him from the room . They knew how important it was to us , to tell her in person . ( So I was fairly sure that they were not to blame . ) So who was ? It turns out that the Organ Donor people had called her to ask if she would be willing to donate his organs . Can you imagine ? Getting a call like that , when you did not even know he was dead ? I was so mad , that it was a wonder I didn 't have a heart attack . I wanted to punch someone , and even now as I write this , I have to fight the urge to scream with rage . ( Please know that I think organ donation is wonderful , but to approach someone about getting their loved ones organs , before they have even been told he was dead , was a royal mix - up . ) How could something like this happen ? It was cruel and heartless . It was inexcusable . My mom was finally able to explain that the woman on the other end of the phone was horrified , when she learned that my mother had not yet been informed of Sam 's death . She told her to call the hospital immediately . ( Imagine my mom trying to deal with the fact that he died , and being told that way . ) Once we somehow partially recovered from the shock of that situation , we asked my mom if she wanted to see my dad before they moved him . We told her that it was entirely up to her , and that we would do whatever she wanted . She decided that she wanted to see him . So we set off for the hospital immediately . When we got to the Critical Care Unit , the nurses there had apparently heard what had happened , and expressed dismay and sorrow . We understood that it wasn 't their fault . There had been a terrible mistake in communication somehow . I began to cry immediately upon seeing him . Huge sobs of anguish found their way to the surface , and my husband gently whispered in my ear , to remember that Sam wasn 't there anymore . He held me tightly as I cried . My mom was in total shock , as she sat in a chair next to his bed . They had lowered the bed from the height it had previously been . ( During his hospitalization , and while he was still responsive , earlier in the whole scenario , I had made him a gift basket , with some golfing magazines , and some other small gifts , along with a little adorable stuffed bulldog . The magazines were never touched , because he was just too sick to read them , though he loved golf , but the little bulldog became a mascot of sorts , representing his tenacious fight to live . As he was moved from room to room , the little bulldog would always mysteriously end up right by his side . Once in Critical Care , my mom and I came in , and like so many nights at that point , my dad was heavily sedated , and not aware of our presence that we could tell , though we always talked to him lovingly , just in case he could hear us . There on his shoulder , a nurse had placed the little bulldog . It looked like a flea on a giant , as my dad was 6 ' 4 ″ . Even lying down in a hospital bed , he was amazingly tall , and had an overwhelming presence . So as we entered the room , after his death , once again a nurse had placed the little bulldog on the bed beside him . My mother was in complete shock , as I mentioned , but she immediately grabbed the little dog , and hung onto it for dear life . She could not cry ; she could only stare in disbelief at her beloved husband of 44 years . My brother 's face had tears rolling down it , and my daughter was distraught , as we all were . My husband was trying to console me . But I could not control my sobs of grief , and I did not try . I wept for all that he had meant to me since I was 7 years old . Sam often would tell me he loved me , as the three of us watched TV , when I visited their home , as an adult . I must have thanked him over and over , in recent years , for the wonderful care that he gave my mom . He retired to take care of her . She is an insulin dependent diabetic , with many other health problems . He was the one I ran to when I had a problem , ( not so much emotionally ) , but to get advice , and for him to fix things . I used to say that if the world broke , Sam could fix it . And now it was broken beyond repair , and he would not be here to help . One of the things that I noticed , as I walked into the room , was the peacefulness . There were no machines clicking , no respirator noises , no blood pressure beeps . Just quietness , except for the sounds of sorrow . As painful as it was , to be gathered with my immediate family around my dad 's death bed , I am so glad that we made the decision to be there one last time together . Never again in the mad dash of informing relatives , making funeral arrangements , ordering flowers , etc . , was there ever a chance to grieve quite like that again . It was always too public , and there were so many times when we needed to be strong for each other . So in those moments by his bed , I grieved , and felt a pain that was raw and guttural , in its depth . The sounds that came from my throat were literal wails . It was only later that I wondered how it sounded to those outside the door . But in that moment I could care less , and I couldn 't have stopped crying if I was ordered to . I cried at other times , in my room , and in the presence of my husband , but it was never like that day . In fact , my husband and I are ordained ministers , so we did the funeral , and we sang the songs , only by God 's grace . At the visitation , I shook hands , greeted , and hugged everyone , as I stood by the casket , and directed them to my mother , who was also greeting people nearby . My brother drug in my dad 's golf clubs , and placed them by the coffin , at the visitation . It was the right thing to do . When the extended family ( not immediate ) first gathered at my mom 's house , the night before the visitation , I remember being so frustrated , because there was laughter coming from the kitchen , and I wondered how anyone could laugh at a time like this . Didn 't they realize that Sam was gone , and was never coming back ? I could not stand the sounds of it , and so I had to leave . ( I was exhausted from several weeks of his illness , surgery , and hospitalization . I was also emotionally and physically drained , from caring for and worrying about my mom , and from now trying to deal with his death . My mom was resting in her bedroom , so I knew that she was away from the laughter . The funeral was wonderful . Even the funeral directors said it was the best funeral they had ever witnessed , and since they see at least one every day , we were pleased . ( I believe the reason that they said that , was because it was so personal . Everyone who spoke knew my Sam well , and therefore everything came from the heart . My brother spoke of how his dad had " loved him back home " after many years of a wandering , wild lifestyle . My stepbrother told how my parents had taken him , and his brothers , into our home for awhile , to try and give them a better life . It didn 't seem to work initially as there were too many adjustments , but later he got a chance to come back , and it made a huge difference in his life . Today he is a lawyer , and so is my husband , so I guess we 're well legally represented . Sam came from a family of 9 , so one of his sisters spoke for the family , and shared what a wonderful person and brother he was . His co - worker and golfing buddy shared his memories of Sam , on behalf of his friends . I told my memories of him , as the biggest man that I had ever seen in my life , at that time . He wore a size 13 shoe . I spoke of his many talents , and told of my love for him , and of my mom and dad 's love for each other . My husband and I sang " Precious Memories " , " Amazing Grace " , and a beautiful song at the end of the funeral , " There 's A Light At The End of the Darkness . " ( Thank God for that ! ) My husband told everyone how to be sure that we would all get to see Sam again in heaven - by accepting Jesus , and inviting Him into our hearts . It was a moving and beautiful service , and Sam deserved a wonderful send off . This poem will sound like I 'm worse off than I am . Actually I wrote this some time ago when I must have felt as equally sad . I take heart in the fact that I can 't remember now what had me feeling that low . But I am adding this poem to let you know that I have felt this way this past week , and apparently long before . The kind of attacks I 've been through for a solid week , without intervention from the one man ( the owner of the site ) who could have stopped it all , can leave you feeling depleted and disillusioned . But I will never be sorry for the ministry I had to hurting people there , nor will I forget the healing I received as well . Last night I went back to the site where all the drama and cruelty occurred , ( to retrieve some poems I had written , but not copied ) and saw that I have quickly been replaced . But somehow I know from the sweet notes you 've written me , that we will not soon forget the time we shared our hearts , our struggles , and our grief . After I retrieved my poems , I deleted my account , and I am hoping that today really will be the end of all the cruelty , and bad memories . I will hold onto the memory of the love those of us who were grieving had for each other , and the encouragement we gave one another , and the prayers we prayed . Although we were all hurting , we found time to reach out to each other , and our burdens were lifted , if only for a little while . But the friendships are lasting , and I will hold each one of you in my heart forever . After listening to Roy Orbison 's " Only The Lonely " again , I wanted to know more about him . He had one of the most incredible voices I 've ever heard . And this was in the day when there were no studio enhancements to speak of . There were no elaborate sound boards , and mixing systems back then either . You plugged in your instruments and microphone , and you either sang well or you didn 't . ( He did ! ) Nik Dirga wrote in a Roy Orbison CD review , " Roy Orbison was the voice of sorrow . But sorrow never sounded quite so sweet . For nearly 30 years , Orbison was the quintessential spokesman for the brokenhearted , with his trademark sunglasses , hiding his eyes , so all you would focus on was the voice . " And by the way , he was not blind , as many people believe . One night when he was about to perform , he realized that he had left his glasses on the plane . He did suffer from poor eyesight , and so in desperation , he grabbed a pair of prescription sunglasses that he had with him . The band thought they looked cool , and a legend was born . Even though Orbison originally signed on with Sun Records ( as did Elvis Presley , Johnny Cash , Jerry Lee Lewis , and Carl Perkins ) , he had only limited success there ( Ooby Dooby - 1956 . ) He then contracted with RCA for a short while , and eventually went on to sign with Monument Records in Nashville . Fred Foster urged him to break with his previous style , and he started writing his own songs , and co - writing with Joe Melson , and later Bill Dees . He also created a very unique sound in rock and roll , with his almost operatic voice , complete with falsetto , and a three octave range . His release of " Only the Lonely " reached # 2 on the charts in 1960 . ( See yesterday 's post to hear this phenomenal song . ) His life was indeed tragic . His first wife , Claudette , died in a 1966 motorcycle accident . From research , it seems that Roy and Claudette were on separate bikes , and her motorcycle crashed into a truck , that unexpectedly pulled in front of her . She died an hour or so later from multiple injuries . ( Earlier he had written the Everly Brothers ' hit , Claudette , about his wife . ) After her death , he found it difficult to write for quite awhile . To deal with his grief , he immersed himself in concert engagements . He was offered an opening slot on the Eagles 1980 tour , and later released a duet , " That Loving You Feeling Again " , with Emmylou Harris . Several famous singing stars including Linda Ronstadt , Don McClean , and Van Halen covered his songs , and re - releases of his own songs made him popular in the U . S . again , as a concert performer . In 1987 , he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame . That same year he also recorded a duet remake , with k . d . lang , of his hit Crying . In the late 80s , he achieved notoriety as a member of the Traveling Wilburys , with band members Bob Dylan , Tom Petty , George Harrison , and Jeff Lynne . The amazing thing about Roy Orbison is , that even though he suffered horrendous tragic events in his life , he overcame so many of them , and gave a gift to the world . That gift was his voice , and we should be forever grateful . Elvis Presley called him , " the greatest singer in the world . " |
We 've been hit with a snowstorm about a month earlier than is the norm for this part of the country . I love the beauty of snow . . . how it covers everything in a soft blanket as it sleeps , waiting for the spring . It sparkles and as my daughter keeps reminding me , it surrounds us with snow fairies that we can see only if we believe . Despite all the beauty of winter I 'm frustrated that my running outdoors season has been cut short by almost a month . I love getting outside and running . I was just starting to get past some of my injuries that started last April and seemed to plagued me incessantly , my body trying to explain to me something that is going on which I have yet to understand . I have a 5k on December 7th . It is the same 5k that was my very first ever last year . I want to do well . I want to kick ass at it . Not getting out to run for the next week makes me fear I am not going to do well . Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have all the fixin 's ready for dinner . It will be just the four of us , again . It feels lonely . Another time of year when it is impossible for us to be with family . Sweet One is so absolutely excited about tomorrow and the fact that it is almost December . She can 't say December without sounding like she is telling me the most magical secret in the entire world . I need to continue to look with her eyes when things are hard . Ever since moving to this country I have always felt like Thanksgiving is a big celebration that starts off the Christmas season . In Canada , Thanksgiving is just Thanksgiving . That is our focus . But within a few hours of filling up on everything we are supposed to be thankful for , a large portion of the population down here will line up on the cold sidewalk only to barge into a store with their elbows out , fighting almost to the death for that next great deal . I saw neighbours returning home last year after a night of no sleep and a day of crowds . They looked like they had been hit by a truck ! I don 't really understand it . When all is said and done , I miss my Dad . On December 15th he would have been a whopping 64 years old . Sure , we would have made jokes , but his candles would never set off the fire extinguisher . So maybe everything right now is all about that loss . Another year when he will be missing from the home of my siblings . A miracle might have happened that perhaps we would have found a way to mend the bridge and maybe he could have been missing from my home at this time of year , but I don 't know . " . . . a miracle is just a shift in perception . " And so again I will take it all breath by breath . Learning to be compassionate and gentle with myself and trying to be open to the Divine Guidance I will be given so that I can see the beauty in all of this . Posted by Singing always came very easy for me . Learning the notes was never a challenge nor was memorizing . Because of this I was always able to get away with a minimal amount of work . During my degrees , singing in choirs throughout the week also helped work on my endurance and so I never had to practice for hours on my own . The requirements for my degrees kept me moving forward and doing what needed to be done . But that was it . At this point in my life singing has never been more difficult . It is the hardest thing I am trying to do . After 4 . 5 years of not singing I started up again . We 've had a surrogate family since the day we arrived all those years ago and when patriarch passed away I had no choice but to offer to sing at his funeral . I felt something in my spirit and I couldn 't ignore it . A nagging sensation came after me and I ran upstairs to see if I could perhaps sing the piece that was spinning through my head . When I realized there was something there I phoned our friend and offered to sing for her father 's funeral . I phoned before I could spend any time second guessing my choice and scare myself out of it . I truly believe that this moment was one of spirit and not of me . The whole process of getting the piece ready was interesting . Learning the notes wasn 't an issue , the challenge was getting some degree of technique back . My voice was so out of shape but I kept working at it day by day with a motivation I 've never had before . I 'm thankful for it because I accomplished a lot . It wasn 't brilliant , but it was damn good considering I hadn 't sang in 4 . 5 years . A few months later I took another chance . I auditioned for a community production of Les Mis . I didn 't get the part I wanted and I wasn 't willing to give up time and pay for babysitters for a lesser part . ( I would have probably thought differently about it if I were in a bigger place . ) The more the producer spoke , the less I wanted to be involved . The more the director spoke , the more I knew she was going to choose someone she already knew from another town . She wasn 't ready to take a chance on a wild card . Despite all of that , I left that audition with an amazing sense of accomplishment simply because I put myself out there and spoke my truth . I believed in myself and it felt amazing . Now I am trying to get my voice back in shape for singing classical repertoire and I don 't really know what to do . My voice is pretty much exhausted by the time I 'm done singing for 20 - 30 minutes . I 've learned quite a lot of notes in a short amount of time but I 'm struggling with figuring out how to get my voice to really sing . I have absolutely no endurance and so by the time I 'm done my short practice I feel like I 've gotten nowhere . The ease of singing in my previous years didn 't prepare me for this . Each time I get myself into my little studio I am afraid but I make myself do it because I know I need to . I am convinced that in the process of hopefully finding my voice again I am healing so much more of me that I can imagine even though at this moment I feel completely lost . Every once in awhile things go well and I have a glimmer of the freedom I once had in my voice but they are few and far between . I am trying to have faith , to trust the inner guidance I hear that is telling me to sing . A dear friend of mine is offering me a chance of a lifetime . Airfare , accommodation and retreat fees covered for this ! Seven nights in Puerto Vallarta with workshops where I will care for myself in a way I 've only ever dreamed of . That 's almost a week and a half away from my kiddos when I 've never actually left them for any real time . The only time I 've been away from the house overnight was when Little Man was born ! My friend had mentioned this last April when she was visiting and I told myself I 'd be stupid to say no . We 've called my in - laws and they are very interested to see if they could make it work so they could come and stay while I 'd be away . I asked the kids over dinner last night that if I had to go somewhere for a little bit with my friend , would they like to have Gramma and Grampa come to play with them . They said yes . But the problem is that Little Man would turn 3 while I 'd be away . And that makes it so hard for me to give a firm yes . I could pretend his birthday is another day so he nor Sweet One would ever know I wasn 't actually there for it . But I 'd know it . We arrived home a week ago . I 've wanted to type and try to process all that happened on our two week trip that covered 3 , 512 . 1 miles but I haven 't been able to . There was so much that happened . t wasn 't the colossal gong show I had expected it to be . It was what it needed to be and there were many beautiful moments that I am holding onto dearly . ( I 'm now no longer afraid of long car trips with small kids ! ) On the day that we buried my father I was surround by a family I had tried not to connect with for many years because connecting with them meant connecting with my Dad . And really , that never went the way I 'd hope it would so what was the point ? He didn 't understand me or listen to me so why would they . But they loved me and my family . My sister and I talked about how we never felt that cared for and loved by extended family like that before . " Don 't knock . This is your home while you 're here . You need anything , just come in and take it or ask if you can 't find it . " That was what my Dad 's youngest brother told me within minutes of arriving on the farm . Strangely enough , when I looked at him I saw my Dad looking at me . My counselor told me that after we buried my father I might feel a sense of relief . But I didn 't . I wanted to so desperately but it didn 't come . I sat on the ground with Little Man in my lap only a few feet from the hole where the wooden box that contained the ashes would be placed . The headstone a few more feet past that . It was a short service but I cried through the whole thing . At one point the Pastor nodded to my brother who then took the box and placed it in the hole . I felt my entire torso start to shake and I thought was going to scream . I wanted to sob . I was in awe of my brother who could do that without falling down himself . I reached over and held the hand of my cousin who was sitting beside me with her son in her lap and I felt a little better . I sat there for awhile hoping that a wave of relief would come over me . My Grandma walked up to the headstone and said in a strong , even tone , " Well , goodbye my son . ' Til we meet again . " I wanted to be able to say my own version of that but no matter how long I sat there , it didn 't come . I think I was one of the last to leave . For the rest of the day and the day after that we were surrounded by such a great love . I felt home in a place that I never understood . The farm was amazing . Sweet One spent hours each day running with her cousins and having the greatest time . Little Man was usually close to Big Love or I but he still had fun in his own way . We were taken out in boats , fed food and spent hours around a campfire . I thought that maybe as I was surrounded by his mother , and sister that perhaps I would start to feel a bit of peace . I didn 't want to leave the farm . I felt at home there in a way I never thought I would . We had to leave to meet with Big Love 's family . My sister had left the farm a few minutes before us and it seems she had the same idea that I had . I left the kids and Big Love at the car and walked towards the grave . My sister and her family were saying good bye and so I stayed back and watched them . After they were done my sister stayed with me a bit and I tried so hard again to be able to say goodbye but I couldn 't . I was scared it would never come . A few days later as we started the five days back to where we live we stopped at the cemetery once again . This time I carried with me a Dwarf Red Campion . The kids were very excited to plant this for " Grandpa 's Special Place " . I felt like finally I found something I could do for him . I dug into the dirt that was filling the small hole and pulled out as much as I could to make room for this plant , threw in some food and then proceeded to plant it . The kids helped me every step of the way . We made sure the peacock feathers my niece and nephew had placed there remained standing tall , watered it so it could begin to grow and said our goodbyes . " I miss Grandpa , " my Sweet One said . The four of us standing there , leaving kisses on the headstone . Together my little family helped me say my first goodbye . Finally , I felt like the first seed of peace was planted inside of me . It 's been a hard few days . Today marks the one year anniversary of my Dad 's death . Unfortunately , it 's actually a three day even because there 's the day he had his accident , the day we waited to hear about what organs he 'd be able to donate and then finally , today , when he was taken off the machines . I started a more lengthy letter to my Dad on Thursday but it just didn 't feel right . Mostly because I didn 't know exactly how I felt . One minute I 'm ok , the next I 'm crying during the warm up to my Friday morning run and sobbing during my cool down . I 've spent the last few days trying to be gentle with myself and others . I 've had a few moments of peace and I 've had some that are not . The final goodbye is yet to come . On August 3 we will be interring his ashes in a family plot in rural southern Saskatchewan . It is a very small cemetery where all of his family are or will be buried near the farm that he was raised on . We will make our way there through Ohio , Indiana , Illinois , Wisconsin , Minnesota , and North Dakota . On the way home we 're going to take a slightly different route and go through South Dakota as well as Iowa . I don 't really know what to expect of this trip , just as I don 't always know what to expect from my grieving process . But I do know it is all a sort of pilgrimage for me . Learning to let go of the hurt from a relationship where a father and his daughter could never find a way to hear one another , letting go of the guilt for cutting him out of my life , coming to terms with the fact that I will never have the chance to reconcile with him and that he never met my kids . I 'm learning to forgive myself . It is harder than forgiving him at this point . But I am learning so much . It seems that in some ways I am learning more from my Dad in his death than I did before . For many years I was taught that I could not trust my feelings . As an INFP , that 's a pretty large part of myself that I am told isn 't allowed to be heard . I 'm starting to feel more and to take a chance in believing in it . Letting it show me more of who I am . I 've been self - abusive towards my physical appearance for many years . In my last year of high school , the day I stepped on the scale and it read 97 pounds was one of the greatest moments I had that year . Not good . I can tell you that I was probably 155 when I stepped on the scale four years later at the end of my Bachelor 's degree . I was 130 just before I got pregnant with Sweet One , 135 after and now I 'm sitting just under 140 . All the running and pilates and yoga and chasing after children that I 've been doing hasn 't been helping as much as I hoped . Part of the problem was that I 'd often eat out of boredom . So I started with MyFitnessPal . com and the first few days were hard but I think they 're going to be ok . It is somewhat empowering to learn how much my body needs to be a comfortable weight ( perhaps I 'll even find my ' happy weight ' ) and then to find foods that will leave me feeling nourished at the end . The foods I am putting in my mouth are quite healthy and I like that . ( I also have a friend who has been doing this and knows that it scares me a bit so I 'm sure she 'll keep tabs to make sure I don 't get stupid . ) I 've been pretty angry over the past few weeks . It comes in flashes . I keep wondering if it is part of Kubler - Ross ' stages of grief . I kind of hope so . Because that way I 'll know that it will end at some point and I 'll be better because of it . But I don 't want it to cause any damage to my kids . It 's always my kids . Every time I get mad and yell I look at them and remember how much it hurt me when my Dad would scream at me . How I promised my babies I would never do that . And now I do . But I can stop . Less than a month until my pilgrimage . I have no idea what it is going to be like to travel so many miles with the kids , inter my father 's ashes and then drive back . I hope I learn a lot . I was sitting here , drinking my coffee and reading Glennon Doyle Melton 's Carry On , Warrior . A friend and I went to see her in Pittburgh at a book signing and it was fun . I like her writing . While none of this is ' new ' , she writes honestly . Without holding anything back . With love and truth . To fully accept what she writes will mean that I have to fully accept myself . As I finished up this afternoon , something inside of me settled and said , " you will . " I 'm not sure what I find more shocking , that I emailed ESPN customer service or that I had a personal response within an hour of my original email ! Neither of this equals the surprise and excitement that Big Love shouted out when he realized that not only did we get ESPN2 but they were showing a CFL game and the Roughriders were kicking the Eskimo 's butts ! ( He hasn 't finished the game so maybe that has changed . ) Big Love doesn 't shout . And if he does , I look at him with a look of , " Is that the best you can do ? " Big Love 's family pretty much all live in the capital of Saskatchewan . And they are all die - hard Roughriders fans . My Dad was raised in the very southern part of Saskatchewan and he , too , was a die - hard fan . I remember having fancy turkey dinners with the tv sitting on the kitchen counter so he could watch the game while we ate . So thank you , ESPN2 . You made the day for my husband who takes care of his family so well and rarely asks for something for himself . Crazily enough , I might even watch part of the game myself ! I 've spent a lot of time in the past few weeks yelling at my kids . Not because they deserve it but because every time something got hard I got angry . I thought a lot of it was because of the journey we have ahead of us to inter my father 's ashes . That with my kids fighting bedtime , I was a mess . Two days before Father 's Day was here , my friend mentioned how hard it is . And I wanted to cry . I didn 't think Father 's Day was going to be anything for me because I hadn 't made it anything for my Dad over the past few years . On Saturday , I had two lemonade and vodkas before supper . I loved the buzz . On Sunday , I just kept breathing and tried to make it through . The first hymn at church was one we often sang as I was growing up and I could hear my Dad 's voice . I couldn 't sing . Too many tears were ready . Monday we started a project on our porch that I thought would be quick . Pressure washing away the paint on the ceiling of our porch and then letting it dry so I could start painting on Friday . That was not the case . There 's been a lot of scraping . I hate scraping . This morning I woke up and I was on the verge of tears . I 'm sad . I 'm grieving . It 's an unexpected stage but it is still hard . I kept trying to put one foot in front of the other but I was stuck . I didn 't know how I 'd make it through with the kids . My feet have been bothering so I decided I 'd load them up in the car and head north 35 miles to get some insoles as well as play at a park that was near enough to the store . I didn 't leave on time so that I could get back for nap time . But instead of getting stressed out , I let go . ( This is my biggest lesson right now , learning to let go . ) I stopped at a St . Arbucks , grabbed a fully - caffeinated latte and headed to the park . The kids played for an hour and I love drinking my coffee as they had fun . Then we got my insoles and headed to a fast food chicken restaurant - A for lunch . Little Man fell asleep on the way home and continued to sleep when the car was parked at home . I usually plan things . I hold on to nap time with white knuckles so I can keep my sanity . But today , my sanity was found as I threw away the usual schedule and allowed myself to be sad . It 's nice to be sad . It 's easier to be angry but actually allowing the hard part , the sadness , through , then the healing can begin . So I got back to the shirt I had started a few days before my Dad has his accident . It is Simplicity 2594 view E . I was quite surprised when I pulled it out of the box because I had gotten further ahead than I had remembered . And it actually looked promising to me . Now because of when I had started it , it took a little emotional encouragement to get back at it . Once I did I was excited because I had high hopes that it would turn out alright . Not as perfect as this one but something I could add to my sad summer wardrobe ( my daughter keeps telling me I need new shirts because I have holes all over the area where it rubs on my pants button ) . The yoke totally got me . I had to undo the shoulder seams because I thought I messed up and so I just did what I thought might work out . But it didn 't because somehow when I went to attach the yoke and do the top stitching , it didn 't line up and I had to fold over some of the collar . Ok . I can deal . The problem with each and every attempt at making a top for myself flopping , I start to beat myself up . I really want to be able to make myself something here and there and I know I need to keep working at it to get any better , but I feel like every attempt gets all fukked up ! It 's a waste of money for me to buy the material and never wear the shirt . If the top part does end up being somewhat wearable , maybe I can add a zipper in the side near the bottom , but then that is going to be very stiff compared to the rest of the soft cotton material that I used . Why can I make such nice stuff for my kids and when it comes to attempting something for myself , it looks like shit ? ! And yet , I still want to keep trying . There 's a top pattern floating around on the interwebs that I might try . Maybe I 'll have better luck with a PDF pattern than the ones I get from the usual suppliers . I want a fence . Just like last year at this time , I desperately want a fence . Then I wouldn 't have to put up with so many kids using our backyard as theirs . Ok yes , I told the parents the kids could walk through so they didn 't have to walk along the busy street but seriously , they 're turning it into an extension of their own backyard . And seriously , kid . Is yelling the whole time actually considered communication in your house because it 's been over an hour and that is all I 've heard . A loud , guttural yell that doesn 't make you sound cool , it exhausts me and makes me want to shove that football - with - a - tail - on - it down your throat . The kids jumping on the trampoline which is on the other side of the fence from you aren 't yelling half as much as you ! And really , if you 're going to throw that damn thing over the fence , perhaps actually get it over the fence . I know it gives you one more thing to yell about and feel like your cool and perhaps actually getting the attention that you want . But if it ends up landing in my garden you sure as hell better not think that you are allowed to walk in it and stomp all over the little plants that are just starting to emerge . Great , here 's comes neighbor kid . I can only imagine how many hours I 'm going to have to spend involuntarily babysitting you once you 're all done Kindergarten because rather than play with you themselves , your parents will tell you that Sweet One is outside and you should go play with her and teach her all sorts of nasty , spoiled girl ways to disrespect everyone else around you . Did you seriously just walk up to my daughter only to tell her that you 're not going to play with her ? I can see from the look on your snotty little face that you are doing it only for your own little power trip . Please let us be busy when it is your birthday party this year because I really don 't want to have to spend any money on you nor socialize with your extended family that pretended we weren 't there last year ! That we will move . To a sweet area in a larger center where we can have a house with a fence . And that when it comes time to move , this house which I do so love , won 't take more than a year to sell ! I haven 't been here very much lately . Not a single post in May . It wasn 't because things weren 't happening because it was actually quite a busy month . The kids and I traveled up to Toronto to meet my mom for a few days and then near the end of the month my sister and her kids made it to our house . This visit was a big deal in my world because it was the first time my sister came to my house . I 'm not sure why it is but when I 'm visiting with my family there is so much that happens for me emotionally . With my mom , it was learning to let go of the mother I often wish she would be and know that I am still ok if she is unable to listen to what I 'm saying . With my sister , well I can 't sum it up into a little sentence but I do know that I started the visit out feeling like I desperately needed her approval for so much but it didn 't end that way . I really loved having her here . The week ended too quickly . Now I 'm stuck in the stage of kids who will go to bed perfectly one night and then they spend a chunk of time the next talking to each other . Right now , Little Man is calling his sister over and over . Sometimes in the morning Sweet One tells me that she snuggled Little Man so that he could go to sleep . I absolutely love it . She is becoming incredibly protective of her little brother . Just the other day he was almost knocked over by a 5 year old on his bike . It took her very little time to be by his side with her arm around him to make sure he was perfectly fine . If there is one thing I hope to do as their mother is to teach them to care for one another . Now my focus is on trying to get a few things done around the house and prepare for our road trip . We will have close to 30 hours of traveling ( in one direction ) to get to the place where we will bury my Dad 's ashes . We 're driving mostly because it is much cheaper than flying and also because we thought it might be fun to see the sites on the way . Also , if the kids get restless , we can just get out of the car and go explore something . We 'll have 6 states to check out as we head west and then return . It could be very interesting ! Our furthest point west is going to be Mount Rushmore . I was there once a long time ago with my family on one of our trips . A week ago when we were at our Saturday place for cinnamon buns ( a local artisan bakery which we love ) , I saw a photo on the wall that came from the next door art store . It is of a bit of a dark ' spot ' in the trees . Like a quiet place one might find to go and sit . Rays of sunshine are making their way through the branches to light to it a little at a time . I fell in love with it . I 've never felt a connection with a photo the way I do with that one . It was on my mind the moment we walked in the store . To say it spoke to me sounds cheesy but that is absolutely true . I felt deep down that I needed to have it . It was $ 175 . I didn 't have the money for it but I couldn 't take the risk of it disappearing . I went next door and spoke with the store owner . I told her something was drawing me to that picture and that I wanted it but I didn 't have the money right . She told me for $ 5 down , it is mine and I can pay as I can until I reach the total . No time limit . " You should have an emotional experience when you buy a piece of art . " I nearly cried . I had no worries about committing to the price . ( That was quite surprising in itself ! ) She let me take a small sold sign to place on the picture and I couldn 't have been happier . Something in that picture speaks a truth to me that I am only beginning to understand . I got home and was glancing through Facebook . Sweet One said she wanted to see " that picture " . I pulled up my profile picture , saw my father holding me at about 1 year old and both of us completely covered in diaper cream . I looked at the date in the lower right corner of my computer . 9 months ago today he died . So much is churning inside of me . One thing is somehow connected to the next . I 'm singing again , I 'm finding beauty in things I see . But most of all , I 'm learning to trust my inner voice . Yesterday was my 35th birthday . I wasn 't looking forward to it . I was stuck in a funk for too much of the day . Thirty was exciting because I was looking forward to getting pregnant ( and strangely enough I ovulated on my birthday and had a positive test a few weeks later ! ) and I saw so much ahead of me . But with 35 , I 'm done having babies and I really don 't know what is ahead . I 've been working through so much over the past 9 months and sometimes I have moments of peace but there are a lot more moments when I feel like I have no clue . Yesterday morning I ventured out into the rain to go for my run . It 's been rough getting back to running since the snow has melted , dealing with a hip injury , and I really wanted a good one . When I got to the trail the rain stopped . The run felt ok . Near the end the sun peaked out for two songs . It was the first time I was actually hearing the lyrics in a particular song and this is what I heard : Jann Ardne 's lyrics spoke to so much of what I 'm working through right now . I couldn 't ignore it . Then when it was over , the clouds covered up the sun and I didn 't see it again for the rest of the day . Today I started singing while I was washing the floors . It felt somewhat free and easy . I had no choice but to run upstairs and see if I was close to the appropriate key or if it would be higher and therefore much harder to sing . But it wasn 't . I was only a semitone off . I phone a friend of mine who just lost her father and asked her if they would like me to sing at the funeral . She started crying and said they would love it . After 4 years of not singing , I 'm jumping in with both feet and it feels good . Terrifying and exciting , but completely right . I got an email today from the director of Residence Life at the school I did my undergrad at . He told me of how he had been thinking of me and a solo I sang a long time ago . The title of the song was " Behold ! I make all things new " . His son had lost his wife unexpectedly ( neither of them would even be 30 ) shortly after my Dad died and has found a new love . Some beauty after a hard time . I don 't usually get emails from this man but to get one today with all those words , well , I can 't help but wonder . Everywhere I turn I am being told I need to let go . It is the only way to move on . " The work happens in the let go . " I don 't know exactly how to do it right now but I 'm finding my way , step by step . It 's hard . It 's terrifying . But during my 35 miles drive home after an appointment with my counselor , I felt a peace that I don 't feel that often . Being an INFP , when I can feel something it is my truth . So I take a moment to breathe it in and let the feeling permeate my body . Right now I am where I am supposed to be . It 's not the easiest place but there are moments of beauty and light . I believe that when I am through this part of my life , things will be better . I will be better . And it will be worth every moment . At the end of a long day of traveling we found ourselves in a strange city . While neither of us had ever been to Seattle , save driving from its airport to a hotel further north , it didn 't make us nervous . Cities make sense to me . The mass transit , the buildings , the people walking and cycling . I loved it . Little Man was strapped to my back while I pushed Sweet One in the stroller and Big Love hauled the suitcase behind him . At least my cargo sang at the top of her lungs for most of our trek ! I want to be living in a bigger center in the next few years . Right now ourr life in a small town with very small housing costs is manageable but I worry about whether or not we 'll be able to manage it . ( Yes , one day I do want to go back to work but the idea of what to do and how to make my skills appealing is another post in and of itself . ) I see the people walking down the street , I read blogs of young families figuring out their owns lives where they live and I can 't stop wondering how we all end up right where we are . I look at lovely houses and gardens with children playing in them and try to picture us in their place . I 'm excited at the idea of figuring out how to get where we want to be but also scared because I really have no idea what our options might be . Or even if it is going to happen when I 'd like it to happen . ( We originally thought we would only live here for 5 years . This July it will be 7 ! ) Maybe that 's my problem . I have no idea . There 's no equation that will help me understand why one person lives in a wonderful city while I am in this wee town . We need to take the steps necessary to see where our next stop is but there are moments I 'm afraid it will never happen . In six sleeps we will wake up earlier than the sun and hopefully be out our door , on the road to the airport , by about 6 : 30 . We have a nearly two hour drive to the airport then we hop on our first flight that will take us to Washington . Then the fun beings as we board plane # 2 and arrive in Seattle , WA 6 hours later . We 'll grab a hotel and then be on the Clipper the next morning . I 'm not really looking forward to this trip . I 'm worried that I won 't get any sleep and I 'll get glared down by my MIL more times than I 'm comfortable with . On the other side of that , I 'm hoping I 'll grow up enough to just let go without putting negative expectations on it and try to enjoy myself while my kids get to spend some time with their grandparents and aunt and uncle . Sweet One is absolutely , completely excited about this trip . Yesterday after Preschool her teacher told me she was a little out of sorts because she was so excited . This is the first time we 've ever been told she was out of sorts by her teacher . In terms of entertaining the kids , I have loaded up a number of movies onto a couple of SD cards so that they can watch them with Sweet One 's Innotab2 . The fact that I can use an SD was one reason I chose it over its competitor . She got it from her grandparents for Christmas and I 'm hoping it will save our sanity this trip . One problem in terms of trying to pack light is that the case I bought for it is rather large and would take up pretty much her whole backpack . So I searched and found this tutorial at So Sew Something ! and figured that I could add a few pockets and padding to make it work for the Innotab2 . I 'm using a 12 " zipper and have cut my main pieces at 10 " x 11 " . The smaller purple pieces are for the pockets and they are 2 . 75 " x 6 " . The large purple pieces have a piece of fusible fleece attached to the back as do 2 of the 4 smaller purple pieces . It ended up a little wider than it needed to but it is not nearly as thick as the other case . Sweet One will love it because I made it out of her " absolutely favorite colors ! " ( Anyone else 's kid in love with Charlie and Lola ? ) The pockets each hold two game cartridges and slide in very nicely . While we can 't reach down into them to get the bottom cartridge , they slide out very easily by placing a finger at the bottom of the cartrdige and pushing it up and out . A few days ago I had actually made one other pouch with the same tutorial . Before putting it together , I basted on a piece of Insul - Bright to each of the outer fabric pieces . Then I continued on as the tutorial told me to and I now have a pouch that will keep some portable yogurt and cheese sticks cool since we 'll be in the air for both lunch and supper ! I was watching the news ( which I never do anymore ) and the station for the nearby larger center had a story about a group of homeless people who had created a beautiful and moving light display . I 'm not exactly what it consisted of but I knew that my first reaction was that if it was supposed to be as inspiring as the coverage was saying then I absolutely had to go . When I got the kids napping I left . I went to the display . I didn 't really care that I left my children at home alone because it was more important for me to see something that would provide me with a spiritual experience . When I arrived home , Big Love was back from work because I had been gone much longer than I imagined . I had no explanation . I was confused at why he was mad but the guilt hadn 't started to set in yet . We have flights booked ( thanks to our credit card rewards ) to go to the in - laws in March . We 'll fly out of the closest large airport ( almost a two hour drive from here ) , fly to Washington and then to Seattle . That last leg is just under 6 hours . It is so far . We 'll stay the night in Seattle and then we hop on a passenger ferry for just under 3 hours and end up in our destination . It is so long . I went for a jog on Wednesday morning and that was my first day . Not sure if that was a good thing or not as I 'm usually quite hungry after a jog , but I survived . Friday was definitely the hardest . But that could have also been because Big Love was home and I didn 't need to power through the day as much as I do when I 'm on my own with the kids . When I look back at it , 12 smoothies in three days is a lot , especially when the lunch one pretty much filled up my entire blender ! Little Man wanted to taste them but quickly determined that they were ' yucky ' . They really didn 't taste that bad , and the supper one would tasted even better if I would have had access to ripe mangoes . ( But really , mangoes are not local and I live in a rural town . What do I expect at this time of year ! ) Sweet One had an amazing time at her birthday party . The cake didn 't fall on the floor like last year , she and her friends had fun running around and playing in the church 's gym , she got spoiled with an official Disney Tangled dress complete with a braided headband , an official Tinkerbell dress ( which she is wearing as she watches Secret of the Wings which her uncle gave her ) and more things that she is loving . Today is her actual birthday and so we had a special waffles and strawberries breakfast and some more gift opening . Yesterday we opened just the ones from friends at the party and today I 'm trying to spread them out throughout the day ! We 'll end with dinner at Wendy 's and home for more cake and ice cream . Along with all of Sweet One 's surprises , I got my own today . I had just finished working out in the attic and decided to look for my diamond a bit . The whole time I thought I was wasting my time but I checked one more spot and there it was , sitting on a floorboard , shining a wee bit ! It 's been a very good day ! I 've been reading Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin . I read about it somewhere and put it on my amazon wishlist . On Christmas Eve , I found it in one of the boxes from my sister that I was instructed to " just leave the goddamn box sealed until the 24 " and then wrap the contents up . I wasn 't too excited but the moment I started reading it I changed my mind . I 'm reading it slowly , trying to think about the things I 've read and actually remember them . ( I 'm not one who can easily remember details from reading , I 'm better at big pictures . ) From my point of view , my sister has a lot of things . Many of them I really like and often find myself wishing I had . When we were visiting this summer she had a coffee cup that was shaped like a Starbucks take out cup and it looks like a black piece of paper with circles cut out were placed on a white mug . I loved it . When I was leaving she gave it to me . It didn 't mean much to her but i use it every time I sit and have my coffee at home . I love it . The energy and story behind this mug , despite its simplicity and that my sister probably hardly gives it a second though , means a lot to me . I 'm reminded of my sister each day and I get to hold something that she held even though she is many thousand miles away . So possessions are important to some of us . Shortly after lunch today I turned on Olivia for the kids . I stood there watching them for a few moments and , as I so often do , I rubbed my back with the back of my left hand . Something hurt . I was a little surprised . When I brought my hand in front of me the diamond was missing in my engagement ring . I had cried . I 'm extremely sad about it . It feels like such a bigger loss than just a stone . I imagined having it for many years even though it wasn 't grand or fancy . Big Love chose it because it had a lot of color in it - sometimes I could see a bit of a rainbow inside . My sister had talked to me and told me that Dad was talking about coming back to Canada for Christmas . ( He was living in Norway at this point . ) It was always very stressful to have him in her house for two weeks straight during the holidays and she had asked me to try and dissuade him from doing so . So on a Saturday while on my way to choir rehearsal ( I used to sing in a professional choir ) I was talking to him on the phone . Because even then our relationship was strained I would often talk to him at this time because then I had an excuse to get off the phone . We were talking about him coming for Christmas and I told him that he may want to hold off on a visit because if things went the way I was thinking they were , he 'd need to come in the spring or summer for a wedding . Big Love was at my apartment when I got home about 5 . 5 hours later and with a little bit of nervousness in my voice , I asked him if it was ok that I told my Dad that . Big Love looked at me with big eyes and calmly asked , " Do you think it is ok ? " I said yes and then he reassured me that everything was fine . I found out a few weeks later that while I had been at rehearsal , Big Love was out buying my ring . He was so nervous he made a few laps around the mall before he actually went into the store . After buying it , he was so nervous / excited that he walked home to his apartment rather than taking the bus ( the walk could have easily been an hour ) . Then he put it away in a safe spot and hopped on the bus to come to meet me at my apartment . This diamond is so much more than just a diamond . I can not even think of all the things that it symbolizes for me . I have cried and I just feel sad . I really want a little miracle to happen and it show up but I don 't have my hopes up . It doesn 't seem plausible . It also isn 't plausible that we 'll be able to get a replacement in any foreseeable future . I moved to a small town in 2006 where people thrive on knowing everybody 's business and kindred spirits are as hard to find as a good haircut . I am married to a man who , despite his tall and skinny frame , shows me a love so big that keeps on growing . Our daughter was born in January 2009 and our " Little Man " joined us the first day of April 2011 . Being called Mommy makes my skin crawl - I much prefer Mama or Mum . Constantly hoping Sweet One won 't wake up too early , we are learning what each day with two kids is all about . I love coffee and going to matinees . I watch too much tv . I 've been told that I " think too much " and so with my heart on my sleeve , I come to this page hoping to clear my head and make sense of myself , this place and my life . 1 . Eat a macaron2 . Go on girl 's trip3 . Go back to New Orlean 's without kids4 . Live in a city again5 . Swim with dolphins6 . Learn to bake cheesecake - well . 7 . Learn to bake tasty pies . 8 . Go to New York9 . See a Broadway Show10 . See Kristen Chenoweth Live11 . Eat a fish / shrimp taco12 . Visit San Francisco13 . Have a beach vacation at one of those beach houses you see on tv / the movies . 14 . Go to Crate and Barrel - not just online , an actual store . 15 . If I 'm going to continue living in the states , I 'd like to live somewhere that has a Trader Joe 's . With wine . Because in this state they don 't have wine . |
Juan 's life is about to change , unfortunately , not for the better . " This can 't be my life ! " If you 've ever felt trapped in a life that you wish had turned out differently , or wondered , " Where is God ? " this suspense - filled Christian fantasy will captivate you . This is the story of two men whose paths cross briefly during their childhood , then again during adulthood . Juan does his best to lead a normal life , after a freakishly bizarre accident . While trying to establish some kind of normalcy and dealing with the strange side effects , he finds himself caught up in a web of suspense and danger as he tries to help a friend bring an evil , cunning , and power hungry ego - maniac to justice . In the process , Juan receives a very special gift . " This is not a fairy tale … as you 're reading along don 't be surprised if you smile often and even laugh out loud . Diogenes is a great story teller . " - Fr . David McBriar O . F . M . Juan Arias was an ordinary twelve - year - old kid living in a middle income household . The downturn in the economy had hit everyone hard . Fortunately , no one in the Arias household experienced a layoff . Maria was a preschool teacher , and Ron was a programmer for a large software company in Cary , North Carolina . They were good parents and the bedroom community of Cary suited them fine . Fortunately , Maria 's work schedule permitted her the flexibility to cook dinner for her family . Early on in their marriage , Ron and Maria agreed on two priorities for their family . The first was to eat dinner together as a family as often as possible . Second , was their decision not to impose any religious baggage on their children . Whenever the subject of religion came up , Ron would say , " When they are old enough , they can choose a religion if they so desire . " Maria and Ron were practical people . Although they had both been raised Catholic , neither were practicing Catholics . They attended their local church on Christmas and Easter , as a nostalgic ritual from their youth . That was about as far as they wanted their religious influence to go . Juan was not an athletic kid . He preferred to read and take pictures , lots of them . There was something magical about taking a picture . He could see something everybody else could see , and yet , it was his way of looking at it that made it unique . He would see texture and the juxtaposition of elements , where most people only saw a bunch of rocks , or he would see the interplay of light and shadow as they created exquisite patterns , where most people saw a rusty toolbox . It was Wednesday the week after Thanksgiving and the Arias family had just sat down to dinner . All the Thanksgiving leftovers were gone , so Maria decided to make her traditional spaghetti and meatballs , which happened to be Juan 's favorite . Then came a knock at the door . Ron reluctantly got up from his plate of hot spaghetti and meatballs . When he answered the door , he was greeted by a tall gentleman in his forties . His well sculpted chin and thin mustache reminded Ron of Errol Flynn , one of his favorite movie stars from the 1930 's . Alongside the stranger , stood a boy . He appeared to be the man 's son . At once , Errol Flynn smiled and held out his hand to shake Ron 's hand . " Good evening , I 'm Blake McPride , and this is my son Monty . We 've rented the house across the street for a couple of months until the one we are building is completed . This was in our mailbox , but I believe it belongs to you . The mail carrier placed it in our box by mistake . " Ron took the magazine . He figured that it was probably delivered as a promotional trial since he had not ordered it . He did not invite them in . His stomach was grumbling , and all he could think about was the spaghetti and meatballs getting cold on his plate . He wanted to keep this short and not appear to be rude , but the spaghetti was calling . " Why , thank you . " He held out his hand . " It 's good to meet you both . Welcome to the neighborhood . If there is anything we can do to help you get situated , just let us know . " " This is Mr . Blake McPride and his son Monty . They are renting the house across the street for a couple of months until the construction of their new home is completed . This is my wife , Maria . " Maria raised her hand and motioned to them . " Won 't you come in , we 're just about to sit down and have dinner ? There is plenty . Where is Mrs . McPride ? She is welcome to join us as well . " " My wife passed away last year . It 's just the two of us now . " Mr . McPride glanced at Monty . " Thank you for your generous invitation . Monty and I have reservations at Chateau Croix . I 'm having dinner with a colleague . There 's some last - minute company business that needs attention before the big move . " " Oh I see . " Maria felt bad that the boy had lost his mother . She wondered how , but did not want to pry . " I 'm so sorry about Mrs . McPride . " Ron froze at the thought of having to stand at the door much longer while their dinner got cold . Why on earth did his wife want to prolong this conversation ? Surely this was not the time to get into a question and answer session with the new neighbors . His stomach growled and he pictured his fresh hot spaghetti turning into a clump of petrified mess . He would need a chisel and hammer instead of a knife and fork . " We develop products for the medical industry . The company is being relocated to Research Triangle Park from Sacramento . " He looked at his watch . " Well , we 'd better get going . I don 't want to be late for my dinner meeting . Thank you again for your hospitable invitation . " Juan peeked through the curtain as the new neighbors left . " The new boy must be a couple of years older , " Juan thought . " Maybe he 's from another planet . " There was something about him that made Juan uneasy . Maybe it was the way he looked into space while his father was talking . He thought about it for a moment , but that wasn 't it . It was the way Monty glanced at him occasionally with what seemed to be a glare of anger in his eyes . Maybe it was nothing , Juan thought . " Maybe I just imagined him giving me a dirty look . " Then , as he was about to turn away from the crack in the curtains through which he was peeking , he saw Monty fall behind just enough to be out of Mr . McPride 's view . Monty looked around quickly to make sure nobody was watching . Juan crouched down behind the curtain . " What was this new kid up to ? " As Juan continued his surveillance , Monty turned and quietly deposited a ferociously large glob of spit on the Arias mail box handle . Nobody suspected that he was accumulating his mega spit bomb as his father spoke with Maria and Ron . At last , he released it on its target . It oozed down the sides of the handle and the front of the mailbox . Monty looked at it and was glad of the slimy surprise which he hoped would be evident to the next person who opened the mailbox . He shuffled to catch up to his father , but before he did , he quickly glanced at the small crack in the sheer curtains and spotted Juan looking at him . Juan 's heart thumped . He was sure it would pop out of his chest . He froze with horror as he realized that he had been spotted . Monty 's look clearly conveyed , " If you tell , you 're dead . " The look was punctuated with a creepy smile . Then Monty turned and caught up to his father already halfway across the street . Juan made a dash for the dining room table and sat down looking at his plate of spaghetti and meatballs . Ron took a bite of his food . " It looks like we have new neighbors , at least temporarily . Hmm honey , you make the best spaghetti . I couldn 't wait to get rid of them so we could get down to business and eat . " " Ron , I know you were eager to get rid of them , but we have to be polite . They seem nice enough , too bad about his wife passing away . The son looks to be about Juan 's age , maybe a little older . What did you think of Monty , Juan ? Perhaps you can be friends and help him make the transition to his new home ? " Maria observed that Juan was not eating . " What 's the matter , Juan ? You haven 't touched your food . " " I feel fine . " His thoughts were on what he had just witnessed , and he wondered what to do . If he told his parents , who knew what this new kid would do . He looked a little crazy . Perhaps it best not to tell and just hose down the mailbox after dinner . " No , I 'm fine , mom , just not hungry . " Juan glanced up at Ron . Then he realized what was in his father 's hand . He popped out of his seat , ran over to Ron and grabbed the magazine out of his hands . He ran back to his chair and placed it neatly on the table . Juan looked at his parents with an inquisitive look as if they should know the answer to that question . " Cause it has the best photography ever . That 's why . I saved my allowance and used it to get a three - year subscription . " Maria noticed how her son was eating . He reminded her of a hungry caveman . " Got your appetite back , huh ? Speaking of photography , what were you taking pictures of out in the back yard this afternoon ? " Ron was a little annoyed that his son should be involved in this kind of project . After all , they were in a public school , and religion has no place in school . " Why is Mrs . Arnold having you do that kind of project ? She 's is not supposed to be teaching religion , is she ? " " No , we don 't have religion class , Dad . We 're learning about different people and their customs and rituals . The next one is going to be on Chanukah . She wants us to learn about them , that 's all . " Ron looked at Maria . She knew how strongly he felt about keeping religion out of school . There was no place for " God " or other superstitions in today 's fast - paced world . Those who believed in such nonsense were usually the uneducated or people who had some kind of guilt or insecurity that could probably be cured by a few sessions of good psychotherapy , not a life of religion and idol worship . Ron was proud to be head of his secular family . Maria ignored Ron 's frustration . " I 'm sure you 'll do well , dear . Now close your magazine and finish your dinner . You can look at it afterwards . " Maria looked at Ron . He knew what she was thinking . " Do you have to start with that again ? " She turned to Juan . " Now , now , let 's not argue . You 'll have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do . " Juan was undeterred . " I know what I want to do . I want to take pictures for this , National Geographic , the best magazine in the world ! " He was defiant as he held up his prized copy . His subscription was official . It was like a rite of passage . Photography was his life . Juan 's excitement was not at all deflated by his father 's comment . " That 's all right , they still need good photos . I 'm writing them a letter so I can work for them one day . " The next morning Juan and Angie headed off to school . Juan was in the fifth grade . Angie was in second grade . Angie liked having her big brother go to school with her . They both attended PS189 . He always looked after her . Today , Ms . Arnold gave the class a set of math problems . Juan was good at math . Although they were being timed , he had no trouble with most of them . A few were tricky , but he wasn 't fooled at all . " Class , may I have your attention please , " she said with a big welcoming smile . " I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our class , Monty McPride . I know you all will help me make Monty feel right at home . " Then she looked at Monty . " Welcome Monty . Here , let me show you to your seat . " Juan was certain that this was a bad omen . The weird new neighbor was now in his class . This was so unfair . Why couldn 't he move to the desert or someplace far away ? Juan pretended to look at his book , but he could feel Monty 's gaze upon him . At least there was no way that Monty could sit next to him . There was only one empty desk , and it was two rows over . That was a relief . Then Ms . Arnold asked Becky Pearson to move to the vacant desk . Monty would need to use the larger desk ; he was a big boy . Juan was horrified at the realization that the easygoing classmate with the ponytails , that sat next to him , was being replaced with his neighbor from hell . " What are the odds of this happening ? " Juan thought . " I must be the unluckiest kid on the planet . My life is over . Not only do I have to live close to this spit - bomb puking lunatic , but now he will be lurking at my side in school , casting whatever poison he has my way . Maybe I should pretend to faint or pass out . That would get me out of here now , but I would be right back in this seat tomorrow . There is no escaping . What are the mathematical odds ? Is there a scientific explanation for this ? There must be . My dad says that everything can be explained by scientific reasoning if we just look closely enough at the facts . What are the facts ? Rich crazy kid moves in across the street . Rich crazy kid spits all over my mailbox . Rich crazy kid is assigned to my class and winds up sitting right next to me . " Juan closed his eyes , dreading the inevitable . " Hey loser , " came the soft whisper in his ear . Juan didn 't even bother to turn and look at Monty . He pretended to be listening to Ms . Arnold . Juan sighed . He looked down onto his pad in an attempt to avoid Monty . All at once , Juan let out a yell and jumped up from his desk . He backed up and tripped over the person sitting on the other side . There was a crash . The class froze . All eyes were upon him . He was breathing hard as he struggled to get up and shoo away the large centipede that was on his note pad . It was a big black juicy one . " Yes , ma ' am , " Monty said politely and he went to the window . He leaned out , holding the centipede in his palm . " There , little fella , " he said in a gentle , caring voice . Then he tightened his fist until the centipede exploded in his hand . " That 's better . " Monty wiped his hand on the outside brick to get rid of most of the insect debris before leaning back in . Then he leaned in and said , " OK , he 's safe now . " " OK , everyone , remember that your photos for our culture and rituals class are due next week . I hope that you are giving some thought to your photographs . There will be first , second and third place winners who will receive homework passes . We will review the photos as we learn about what this day represents for Catholics . Next , we will explore the Chanukah celebration among the Jewish people . Are there any Catholics in this class who can share a little about Easter ? " Approximately a third of the class raised their hands . Juan was not sure whether he should raise his . He knew that his parents were raised Catholic , but he didn 't know what he was , or what being Catholic entailed . They did not go to church much , and he never asked about it . Juan remembered that the last two times the family went , on Christmas and Easter , there was singing and people read stuff to the audience . Today was definite proof that there was no such thing as God . He would never have allowed Monty to move in next door and now sit next to him at school , but he would research Easter a bit . He was sure he could do well with his photo entry . Freddie lowered his hand . " It 's when we get to buy new clothes and stuff we want . Not like Christmas when other people give you presents . This is mostly stuff you eat or wear , like chocolate covered bunnies , or a new shirt or pair of pants . " Henry stood up . " At first , everyone liked him , then nobody liked him . Then after they killed him , some people thought he was the son of God because he came back to life . " Henry seemed very proud of his knowledge . " OK , very good , Henry . Now class , whether you believe in God or not is not the point . We are exploring beliefs of different cultures and groups of people so that we can better understand them and get along . All right , let 's move on to our English grammar lesson . " Monty strolled over to his table and shoved to make room for himself . He sat down between Juan and Henry . " I know you saw me last night , loser . " He whispered to Juan . " That was my little gift to you and your family . I was extremely disappointed that you washed it off . You should be more appreciative . " Monty turned to Juan and opened his mouth wide , to expose the partially chewed food in his mouth . Juan cringed with disgust . Monty smiled his sick grin seeing Juan 's reaction . " That 's why . Because it 's fun . Because I can . You should try it . Then you wouldn 't be such a loser . " " No , thanks ! " Juan got up and started to take his tray to another table . Monty stuck out his leg and tripped him . Juan started to fall . Henry leaned out and prevented him from going all the way down and spilling his lunch . Monty looked honestly disappointed and made a pouty face . Then he turned to Henry . " Hey , stupido , what do you think you 're doing ? " He then opened his mouth to expose his partially chewed food for Henry to see . When Juan got home that afternoon , Maria called for him . " Juan , honey , I need you to do me a favor . Get out the hose and wash down the mailbox , inside and out . " Juan looked at his mother with surprise . Last night 's mailbox wash and the spit bomb removal had been quite thorough . Did he miss a spot ? " Honey , the mail carrier left our mail next door with the Jansens because some crazy person left the remains of a dead squirrel in our mailbox . The poor old man almost had a heart attack when he opened it and saw it in there . I need you to get a stick or something and put it in a garbage bag . Then I need you to hose the mailbox down to get rid of the blood and remaining gunk that is smeared inside . I called it in and filed a vandalism report . The police said that we need to do the cleaning up ourselves . I can 't imagine what sick sort of person would do such a thing . " Juan persisted . " Yeah , but is there really a God ? I mean people go to church and pray and all that kind of stuff , and we go at Christmas and Easter . Is there a God for them ? " Ron rolled his eyes again . " It 's just a belief , son . It doesn 't need to be real . Folks just take comfort in pretending a God is there . " Maria looked at Ron . " Well , I don 't share your father 's view completely . I believe there is a real God who is there for everyone . People have their own way of believing or not believing that He is there . When you are older you can decide for yourself if there is or isn 't a God , and what that means for you . Your father and I don 't want to pressure you into believing in something that you otherwise might not accept . Why do you ask ? " Juan explained his class assignment . " Ms . Arnold was talking about different cultures and beliefs and asked if there were any Catholics in the class who could explain what Easter was about . I didn 't know if I was Catholic or not . You were both brought up Catholic , but I wasn 't sure what that made me . Is someone Catholic just because their parents are Catholic ? " Maria gave Juan an endearing look . " You can be Catholic until you decide what you want to be , if anything . When you 're older , you can make up your own mind , OK ? " Ron looked at Maria with a frown but did not say a word . The family ate quietly for a few minutes and then Juan started with questions again . " Mom , what did happen on Easter ? " Ron got up and left the table , taking his dinner plate with him . " Come on , Angie , eat with daddy in the living room . " Angie just shook her head to say , no . Maria turned her attention to Juan . " What little I know about Easter is that Jesus was crucified . They nailed him to a cross on a Friday . He died , and three days later , he rose from the dead and went to heaven . On Easter Sunday , that 's what we celebrate . " " No . That 's a little more complicated . Jesus was the son of God . He helped many people , taught them things and cured many of them . He even brought back one of his dear friends from death . His name was Lazarus . " " Why couldn 't Jesus save himself from being killed if he could bring the other man back from the dead ? Why didn 't God save his son from being killed , if he was God ? Couldn 't he do that ? " Maria was starting to feel a little uneasy . She didn 't know how to answer her son 's questions , which were growing in complexity . Finally , she said , " Well , honey , I 'm not quite sure , but there was probably a good reason . " Angie sat quietly and then broke the silence with a loud fart . Maria and Juan looked up and started to laugh at the same time . Angie started giggling after seeing their reaction . The next few days at school were excruciating for Juan . No more dead things had appeared in the mailbox , but sitting next to Monty , there was constant bullying , nose picking , bug squashing , and gross displays of the contents of Monty 's mouth . Many of the kids in the class tried to avoid their hellish classmate . Even Ms . Arnold seemed to be growing tired of Monty 's tricks and his pretense of being an angel . He was sent to the principal 's office more in one week than anybody else had gone all year long . It was the night before Juan 's photo was due for the class project about Easter . During dinner , Ron asked , " How is the new boy doing , Juan ? I understand that he 's in your class . " " That 's not nice , " said Maria . " Why are you saying that about him ? He and his dad seemed nice when they came to the door . " Ron glanced at Maria . " The father 's loaded , you know ! That company that is being relocated ? He owns it . I checked it out . McPride Industries is huge . They have contracts with every major hospital . The guy must be worth millions , easy . " Juan shrugged his shoulders . " Yeah , he may be rich , but he 's still a jerk and a bully . He 's mean and nasty and pushes everyone around . " Maria could not believe that Monty was as bad as all that . " I 'm sure he 'll adjust . After all , it can be difficult moving to a new place . " Ron glanced over to Maria then at Juan . " I 'm sure it 'll be all right . Just don 't let him bully you around . " Juan looked at his dad . He thought , " How can a grown - up be so stupid ? That kid is twice my size , and he 's been left back fifty times . " Big brother Juan came to her rescue as he always did when something was troubling her . " Here , take mine . I 'm going to be busy at lunch anyway and won 't have time to eat . You might as well take it . " Juan picked up the lunch bag and gave it to Angie . " Don 't mind him . He 's an idiot . " He reassured her . Juan continued to his locker and then stopped into the boy 's bathroom before going to his class . Monty followed him in . Juan was not aware that he had been ambushed . Monty had a weirded - out look in his eyes . He pushed Juan hard enough that he fell to the ground . The book and papers in his hands went flying and fell onto the white tile floor . Monty looked like a madman . He wanted to hurt Juan badly . Then out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of Juan 's photo . He also spotted a letter of some kind and picked it up . " What 's this ? " Monty read the letter out loud . " Dear National Geographic , my name is Juan Arias and I really like your magazine . I am a recent subscriber and enjoy your fine photographs . When I 'm older I would like to apply for … " Monty looked at Juan , then back at the letter and started to laugh hysterically . " You dweeb , you 're such a nerd ! " Then he crumpled the letter and threw it on the ground and spotted the photo . Juan got up and tried to grab the photo out of Monty 's hands . " It 's my entry for the photography contest . Give it back . " Monty shoved Juan back again . " Hmm , you know , I was going to enter , but I just didn 't get around to taking a picture . So , loser , I guess I 'll be in it after all . This will have to do . " Juan got back up in a hurry as he continued to try to get his picture back . " I don 't care , give it back ! " Monty gave another hard shove , but this time Juan did not fall to the floor . " Oh , did I say you , loser ? I meant your loser sister . You say one word about this and your cute little sister is not going to be so cute anymore . " As he said this , he pulled out a rather large knife and pinned it under Juan 's throat . " She 'll look more like that squirrel I left for you . You remember it , don 't you , the mailbox surprise ? " He gazed at Juan , enjoying the moment , taking it all in and feeling wonderful about himself . Then he gave Juan a full creepy smile and said , " And I mean it , loser ! " Monty then looked at himself in the mirror , threw himself a kiss and left the bathroom . Juan picked up his books and the rest of his papers , including the crumpled - up letter , and tried to clean himself up . His neck was a little sore where Monty had poked him with the knife . As Juan examined the area on his neck , he saw a few drops of blood where the knife had made contact with his skin . " God help me , " Juan said as he looked in the mirror . " And please don 't let anything bad happen to Angie . " Juan sat in his chair gazing at his notebook , lost in thought , when Ms . Arnold announced , " OK , class make sure you put your photographs on my desk this morning before we get started . I 'll take a look at them during lunch and announce the winners of the free homework passes this afternoon before we begin our lesson on culture and rituals . " The kids lined up . One by one they placed their photos on Ms . Arnold 's desk . Juan remained in his seat as Monty got in line to hand in the stolen picture . When it was his turn , he politely smiled at Ms . Arnold and put the picture on her desk . Then he beamed a big friendly smile to her . As the line continued to move , Ms . Arnold noticed that Juan just sat there . He had not gotten in line . " Juan , don 't you have an entry for the photo project ? " Juan wondered what Ms . Arnold would think if she knew all Monty had done and that he was a diabolical bully . It was amazing that she had not caught on to him by now . " Why are grownups so blind to things ? " He wondered , but he dared not say a word . He remembered the dead squirrel in his mailbox and the threats Monty had made to hurt Angie if he said a word . The morning dragged on and then it was finally time for lunch . Juan , Henry , Adrianne , and a few other kids were gathered in the playground . They formed a circle and were hunched over , looking at something on the ground . Monty approached the group . " Hey , Henrico stupido , I do whatever I want , and I always get what I want . Get that through your thick cabeza . " He paused and looked around at them . " What 's so interesting ? What are you all looking at down there ? " " That 's just what it 's called . It 's a bug . It doesn 't really pray , " Henry blurted out . He didn 't say the rest of what he was thinking , which was , " How stupid can you be ? " " OK , Henry , pray to God that this praying mantis doesn 't die in the next minute . If it 's still alive , then there is a God . If it dies , then there isn 't . " Monty made the motion with his other hand as though he was going to smash the insect . " You better start praying . I 'm counting down . If you 're not praying out loud by the time I get to one , the bug dies , and it will be your fault . Five , four , three , two … " " OK , OK , " Henry said as he started to pray . " Our Father , who art in heaven , hallowed be thy name . Thy kingdom come , thy will be done , on earth as it is in heaven . " Everyone was motionless and stared at Monty holding the insect in his hand . Then Monty smiled at the group and said , " You dweebs , I was just kidding , " as he put the insect gently on the ground . There was a collective sigh of relief . Then Monty crushed the insect with the heel of his shoe . " See , I told you , Henrico stupido . It wouldn 't matter how hard you prayed - ha ha ha ha . " Monty was hysterical with laughter . He looked at the group of kids . Some of the girls were crying . Everybody was upset . " And if any of you go blabbing to Ms . Arnold , I will step on you . Just try me . It will be so much fun . For me , that is , not for you . You 'll be in pain . " With that , he turned , jumped the fence and then turned back toward them . He continued walking backwards while pointing at the group and roaring with laughter . As he turned again to see where he was walking , he walked straight into a pole . When they saw this , the kids stood up and pointed while they and laughed . Dazed for a moment , Monty turned and saw the group pointing and laughing at him . He felt the surge of pain from the lump that was starting to form in the middle of his forehead . He touched it and cringed , " Ouch ! " Embarrassed , and with a painful bump on his head , he turned to run across the street . He was not paying attention to the traffic because he was still a bit stunned from what had happened . Monty did not see the car that had just made the yellow light and was speeding his way . He started to cross the street , and a loud honk pierced his ears . He looked at the oncoming vehicle with shock . At the very last instant , he was jerked back out of the path of the oncoming car . Monty turned quickly to see who had yanked him back . " Son , you should be more careful . That car is a lot bigger than you . Why , you could have been squashed like a bug , " said the old black gentleman standing beside him . " You with me , son ? " the man asked . Monty gave a strong yank and ripped his arm away from the man 's grip and walked away . " You might want to thank the Lord that you weren 't killed , " the old gentleman said as he stood watching Monty walk across the street . He shook his head and murmured , " You 're welcome . " Back in the classroom , everyone took their seats . When Monty came strolling in , a few of the children who had seen him walk into the pole , started to giggle . Monty looked around at them , gave them all a dirty look , and sat down . " OK , boys and girls , this afternoon we will announce the winner of our Easter photo contest . Your assignment , as part of our culture and customs class , was to take a picture that is representative of Easter . We will use these photos as a way to learn a little bit about this particular holiday . " Juan sat there , lost in his own thoughts . He was out of the running and would get a failing grade on this assignment . What Juan didn 't know was that this would be the last time he would see Monty McPride for a long time . Blake McPride had paid the crew overtime and added more men to get their house finished several weeks early . The trucks were moving the McPride household as the class in PS 189 sat in Ms . Arnold 's class that very afternoon . Blake McPride would be sending the car around after school to pick Monty up to take him to their new home in the most luxurious and exclusive neighborhood in Cary . Monty would start class at the prestigious McGuire Academy the following day . Juan would come across Monty again in the future , but their encounter would be much worse . Ms . Arnold read the names of the winners for best photos . " We will start with the third place ; the winner , Katherine Smith . Second place goes to Laura Diaz . All of your photos were quite good , and it was difficult to select the top three winners , but there was one photograph that the judges felt deserved first place , and the winner is Monty McPride . " The class reluctantly applauded as Monty held his head high . There was applause from around the room and the man in his late thirties stood with his head held high . He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the somewhat subdued applause . It was a formal black - tie affair and members of the Board of Directors of McPride Industries and their families were in attendance . Some had expressions of surprise on their faces while others murmured at their tables . The applause died down quickly , and Monty McPride spoke to the crowd . " Thank you , thank you very much . I 've worked hard for this , and I am as surprised as some of you to receive the top sales award for this past year . Since there are so many products here at McPride Industries , I tried a new strategy this year so that I could reach more customers with more of our products . Well , it seems to have worked . Thank you again . " Polite applause arose then subsided quickly . The wait staff took their cue . Now that the award had been presented , they started to serve dinner . Background music from the Ed Mann Trio softly filled the room with smooth jazz . The 300 people gathered at this year 's banquet started the evening by watching a video about the company . Then they heard from key department heads about the company 's growth overseas and the role of technology within their new products division . This was followed by award presentations to individuals in separate categories . Now that the awards were out of the way , the guests were free to converse and dine . Next , they would hear from the CEO about something big that was on the horizon for McPride Industries . Monty 's award was a bit of a surprise to everyone , including the folks organizing the event . At the last minute , Fred Wilkins explained to Beth Avery , the event coordinator that there was an error in the name of the designated recipient of the sales award . A new plaque was produced within hours of the event . " Idiots . " Tom Harris , the director of human resources was not pleased . " That guy hasn 't worked a day in his life . If it weren 't for his rich old man , he 'd probably be out on the street or in jail . He must think we 're all a bunch of idiots . " Tom knew that Monty was the least likely candidate to receive any kind of award , especially one that was dependent on hard work . A few of the guests congratulated Monty and shook his hand as he made his way from the stage back to his table . He walked by Blake McPride 's table with his head held high . He glanced over at his father . Blake McPride did not say a word . After the Monty peacock had strutted past their table , Blake turned to John and nodded . " Yes , Harold Jacobson was supposed to receive it . I 'm not sure what just happened , but , oh , how I wish it were true , John . Nothing would make me prouder . Lord knows , I 've given Monty every opportunity to earn an honest living here . I felt I owed him that much . After all , he is my son . " Blake wanted to hear the rest of what he had to say . " Go ahead , John , you 've always spoken your mind . Don 't stop now . " John Delmont did not say what was really on his mind , what he really wanted to say about Monty because he could not bring himself to say it . Even though Blake McPride trusted him and encouraged him to speak freely , John could not tell his boss that he thought his son was " pure evil . " Blake was the father , after all , and as much as John felt he could speak openly , this was a line he did not want to cross . " Perhaps I shouldn 't say this , Blake , but you need to stop feeling guilty for whatever it is you think you did or didn 't do and exercise some tough love . Stop feeling like you owe him everything , because the cost just keeps rising , and I 'm not just talking about the money . You 're lucky to be alive , my friend . You 've had your run - in with stress and fortunately that medicine you take every day is keeping you alive . Monty 's effect on morale is becoming worse , and I 'd hate to see something happen to you because you are trying to rid your guilt by catering to Monty . You cannot take responsibility for Monty 's decisions . " Blake nodded . " You 're right , John . I 've been trying to make up for my own incompetency as a father . I 've moved Monty to just about every division within the company , and the result has always been chaos . This is terribly difficult , John , but I think I know what I have to do . God help me and forgive me , but I may have to fire my own son . I 'm not sure how he hoodwinked this award , but I 'll get to the bottom of it . " " Dear colleagues and friends , I want to take a few moments to share some exciting news with you . Some of you may have heard rumors that we have been testing a new secret product . Well , it 's true . It 's been in the works for quite awhile , but I think we are close to a breakthrough . We are about to make medical history in the treatment of burns . Now , to tell you a little bit more about this incredible technology , here is Ray Cromwell , with MedezTeck Labs . He is heading up our research efforts . " Ray Cromwell took the stage and shook Blake McPride 's hand . Ray 's brown hair was neatly cut , and his face was pleasant in the way he seemed to exude confidence . His smile was sincere , and he did not appear to be nervous , although he was very nervous . This was the most exciting project Ray had ever worked on . He had always dreamed that he might lead a team in a breakthrough project like this and at 34 he was getting his big chance . Ray had attended North Carolina State University and was an avid basketball fan . He had a great deal of charm without any self - centeredness or conceit . It was his love of basketball and his honest charm that helped him meet and win the heart of his true love . It happened one day while at a big rivalry game between NC State and the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill . He was dressed in his NC State red enjoying the game on his side of the stadium among a sea of fellow classmates all in red . After the second quarter , he visited the concession stand to get a drink . The line behind him soon swelled with fans dressed in red . All of a sudden , a girl dressed in UNC blue approached the concession stand and the reds started booing . This was no ordinary rivalry . The young lady was surprised by all the attention and booing she was receiving . When Ray Cromwell took a look at Angie Arias , his heart skipped a beat , and he emotionally switched sides . UNC blue had never looked this good . She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen . He told the person in line behind him to save his place . Then he stepped out of the line , waved his arms at the reds and said , " It 's OK ! She 's with me ! " He winked at her , held out his arm in a true gentlemanly fashion and escorted her to his spot at the front of the line , as roars of " Traitor ! You rat ! It won 't last ! You 're crazy ! " came from the rest of the line . She was special and Ray was still an avid NC State fan . Contrary to what his friends said to him when he fell for a UNC girl , there was no therapy needed in the household of two people who loved each other and loved hating each other 's team . It made for some interesting commentary during rival games . " Ladies and gentleman , BD109 is a revolutionary product that allows the various layers of thermal tissue to bond at an extraordinary rate . It is absorbed by the skin very rapidly and begins its bonding of cells and tissues almost instantaneously . It is conductive and in many ways functions like human skin . One of the extraordinary properties is its ability to bond with inorganic tissue to create a new type of epidermal system . We have had success with different medical fabrics and created artificial skin prototypes . The implications are far reaching . Our testing is in its final phase , and there should be some more good news regarding the outcomes later next week . We expect that the McPride Industries Bonding Agent , BD109 , will cut the recovery time for burn victims in half . " Fred Wilkins wanted power , prestige and wealth . He knew he would get it the day McPride , Jr . took over the company . Fred also knew that Monty needed his help to get what he wanted . Since Fred was the leading geek at McPride Industries , he had access to all the company 's computer systems and the data they contained . He was an expert programmer , hacker and sleaze bag . Both men sat in Monty 's office the following day . " Good job , Wilkins . I don 't know if those idiots , including my father , actually bought it , but things went smoothly yesterday . Are you sure no one can track what we did and find out how we altered the numbers ? " Before Wilkins could respond , Monty cut him off . " Doesn 't matter , by the time they figure out how we did it , I 'll be running this place . By then , it won 't matter . " Wilkins responded with confidence . " No one will ever be able to track anything . It 's amazing what you can do with a little programming know - how and a few well - placed bugs . Money skimmed here , money skimmed there , along with the commissions from the sales you never made , the dollars become quite significant after you add … . " " It 's just like Ray Cromwell said . It will revolutionize medicine , but here , take a look at this . " Wilkins produced a large brown envelope and handed it to Monty . " It 's a report on BD109 that I managed to retrieve from the MedezTeck Lab 's server . I think you might be interested in the results . " " So what ? All I see are a bunch of charts . Why are you wasting my time with this , Wilkins ? " Monty had a short fuse , especially when it came to geeks and their reports . Monty turned to page 16 and looked it over . Then he took a deep breath and looked at Wilkins . " More gibberish and charts , Wilkins , just tell me what I 'm looking at before I bitch slap you . " Wilkins finger pointing became frenzied as it pointed to a small chart which had several items listed with numbers scaling from 1 to 10 . He looked like a kid who found a golden ticket in a chocolate bar . " Do you see that chart ? It refers to the level of user dependency that is a projected outcome from BD109 if repeatedly ingested . Basically , it means that in addition to being an externally applied bonding agent , BD109 has the potential to be the most addictive drug on the planet . However , it is not being formulated for internal use . It 's intended for external application only , in which case it would be harmless . " Monty grabbed the chart and stared at it . He slowly turned to his partner in crime . " Wilkins , if you weren 't so damned ugly , I think I 'd kiss you . " " Pleased ? Hell , this is the best news I 've had since I learned that the old geezer will die without that medicine he takes ! By the way , is everything ready ? " " Who would have guessed that we could make a fortune treating the burnies and another fortune supplying the druggies . " Burnies is what Monty decided that he would call burn victims . He thought of it right then and there , spontaneously . He thought himself to be quite witty . Witty , spontaneous and fun , that was Monty . He also considered himself extremely good looking . Whenever Monty saw another man that he thought might be attractive , he would rate himself in comparison . He always won , of course . He was absolutely sure that there was no one more witty , spontaneous , fun or handsome than he was . What a delight he was to himself , always pleased to think people perceived him as breath of fresh air in their otherwise drab world . " Ray Cromwell 's report suggests that if the final test is successful , BD109 should be ready for manufacturing in less than three months . " Wilkins was satisfied that he had earned big brownie points with the future CEO of McPride Industries . He was climbing that corporate ladder faster than Superman could leap a tall building in a single bound . Monty reclined in his chair with his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling . Then he quickly spun around in the chair . After all this good news , he was feeling just a little bit giddy , and that brought out that fun and spontaneous side of him . All of a sudden Monty dipped his hand into the candy bowl on his desk and flipped something to Wilkins . " Here , have an Easter egg mini . Hmm , I love Easter , don 't you , Fred ? " Whenever Monty was in a particularly good mood , feeling all giddy and spontaneous , he would refer to Wilkins by his first name . Otherwise , it was always " Wilkins . " Monty continued in his euphoric bliss . " I just love Easter . It 's the season for marshmallow bunnies and chocolate - covered eggs . It 's the best time of the year , don 't you think , Fred ? Christmas is overrated , too commercial , kind of phony . You know what I mean ? " Blake McPride spent most of the morning in meetings with the heads of marketing and public relations . They reviewed ideas for a product name for BD109 , and strategies for a public relations plan . Two of the top choices for the product 's name were Epiphoenix and DermalNew . That afternoon , he planned to review another important project for Broadwell Medical . He buzzed Ms . Simmons , his secretary . Peggy Simmons was Blake McPride 's personal assistant , going on three years . She had run out to get his prescription many times before , but she never liked it when he skipped taking it for whatever reason . It seemed to be happening frequently . He kept misplacing his bottle . She planned to call his doctor for an extra prescription to keep on hand , in case he lost his medicine again . She hoped that he was not starting to get senile . " Yes , sir . Would you like for me to run out , right now , to have it refilled ? " " No , no , that won 't be necessary . I 've done it before , and I 'll probably do it again . I hate being ball - and - chained to this medicine . Finish what you 're working on first . I 'll be fine . " Blake McPride reviewed the marketing plan and product names for BD109 again and decided that he liked " DermalNew " better than " Epiphoenix , " which sounded too contrived for his taste . While he reviewed the marketing schedule , he heard a knock on his door . Blake looked up and saw a head poking in , which he ignored . He turned his attention back to the document on his desk . Monty opened the door the rest of the way and let himself in . He took a leisurely stroll over to the guest chair . On his way , he looked around the chairman 's office . As he did so , he puffed up his chest and wore a grin on his face . He slowly sat down and patiently waited to hear the chairman say something . Monty sat quietly continuing to gaze around the office . He was in no hurry . He amused himself by thinking of the Rolling Stones song , " Time is on My Side . " " Yes , it is , " he thought to himself . " If you 're waiting for me to congratulate you , you can forget it . " Blake McPride 's voice was low and matter - of - fact . He continued to examine his papers . Monty smiled and started to make his case . " Oh , come on , dad , I 've been working really hard . " He said these words without much conviction , like someone reading a script but not doing a very good job at it . Monty spoke , but it still sounded like bad acting . Even the words he used were a little odd for a grown man . " Gee whiz , Dad , isn 't that kind of harsh ? I mean , after all , I did win the sales award . " Monty liked saying , " Gee whiz . " It was another spontaneous bit of retro awesomeness . He even made it sound a little nasal just for effect . The chairman looked up at Monty . " That 's just it . You 've never even been on the map . Your sales efforts have been nonexistent , and the only reason you 're here is that you 're my incompetent son . " The old man 's blood was beginning to boil . Monty , now sounding a little more serious , attempted to make his case . " I 've changed , Dad , really . I wanted to show you , so I worked really hard and it paid off . I won top honors . " Monty put on his best polite and sincere voice . " I realized that it would be up to me to lead this company someday . Your retirement has forced me to see what a fool I 've been not to work harder , but , I am determined to work as hard as necessary after you retire so that I can lead this company to greater profitability . " It sounded so rehearsed and artificial that the chairman just rolled his eyes . He looked at Monty for a long moment , expecting to hear more dribble . " I guess that 's all he rehearsed , " the chairman thought . " You can cut the act , Monty , I 'm naming Stevens as the new chairman , and I 've decided to redistribute ownership of this company among the board and the employees . These people have worked hard and sacrificed much to get us where we are . Consider your small but significant equity share as an act of charity , because you sure don 't deserve it . " Monty knew it was true . However , that was not a good enough reason for his father to select Stevens over his own son . " Even when I did something to make you proud , you 'd never admit it . As a kid , when I won that photography contest , you never congratulated me or said that you were proud . " " Good grief , you lunatic , that 's because you didn 't win it . You stole that photo from the Arias boy . Do you think I didn 't know ? Do you think people are stupid ? Heaven help me , but I should have put my foot down , after first giving you a good kick in the ass . All that childhood nonsense that I thought you would outgrow has only gotten worse . I always thought you 'd turn around and be an honorable man . Heaven knows , I 've tried . You 've never gone without . You 've always had it easy , too easy , and that 's my fault . Look at you , a grown man , and you still don 't know what it is to work for something that you want . You think that you can scheme , weasel or bully your way into getting it ! I 'm afraid that someday you really will get what you deserve . Unfortunately , so will I for not doing a better job of instilling a good set of values and a proper ethic into you . I should have listened to your mother , God rest her soul . She warned me about overcompensating for my frequent absences by giving you everything you ever wanted and not being stricter with your sorry ass . God help me and may your mother forgive me , but you 're fired , you ungrateful brat ! " " Fired ? " Monty snickered . " You 're right , old man . We each get what we deserve , except for your son who 's getting screwed by his own flesh and blood . " Monty took his seat and looked rather relaxed . Blake McPride , on the other hand , did not look too good . He was flushed , and his heart was beating a mile a minute . Monty sat calmly in the chair . " You 're wrong , old man . My concern is quite genuine . " He sat patiently and looked at his watch . " Say , isn 't it time for your medicine ? You know , the stuff that 's keeping you alive ? " " Now , now , old timer , take it easy . I found them on the floor . You must have dropped them . Say , you 're kind of overdue to take them , aren 't you ? That 's not good . " Monty held the small pill bottle in his hand and examined the label as though he had all the time in the world . He listened to " Time is on My Side " playing in his head and a snicker came across his face . " OK , Monty , just give me the pills and get out of here . " The chairman was hoping that his son would be reasonable , especially since breathing was becoming increasingly difficult . Monty sat calmly , still examining the bottle . Then he put it back in his pocket and took out a piece of paper and slowly unfolded it . He took a pen from his shirt pocket , removed the cap and tested its ability to write on the papers sitting on the chairman 's desk . He made a few scribbles , and then drew a happy face , but instead of a smile , he made a wiggly line . Blake McPride was now beginning to feel dizzy . " Monty , I never thought you could stoop so low . I don 't have time for this , and you leave me no choice but to call security . " Thank God for the panic button on the side of his desk . He never thought he 'd have to use it , but this was now a life - and - death situation . " How could my own son do this ? " Blake thought . Shock , grief and pain all crossed through the chairman 's mind as he pressed the silent alarm button under his desk . Monty took out a nail file and started to file the nails on his left hand . He did one , blew the dust off and started to file the next one . " I took the liberty of disconnecting your little buzzer so we won 't be interrupted , and I know you don 't have any meetings this afternoon , so we have plenty of time to take care of our little business . " " Hiding my medicine , Monty ? My God , boy ! " The chairman 's voice sounded a bit raspy now , as though he needed to drink some water . " You 've crossed the line . You 're mad . " Monty was now filing his right hand . The chairman reached for the phone , and Monty grabbed it . The old man 's hands began to tremble . Pain ran up and down his left arm . His chest tightened . He struggled to get the phone again , and Monty applied more force . Blake McPride was dying . He knew he had very little time ; he tried to scream . Monty put his hand over the chairman 's mouth and took out a handkerchief from his pocket . He then stuffed it into the old man 's mouth . Monty grabbed the old man 's face , looked into the fading eyes and said , " OK , old man , this is your last chance to be a good boy . " Monty then put the pen in Blake McPride 's hand and signed the chairman 's signature with it . He had been practicing . The old man was weak , and it was easy to make the swirly signature which looked like a doctor 's illegible scribble . When Monty released his grip , Blake McPride collapsed onto the floor . He was just barely conscious and trying to say something but could not because he was gagging with the handkerchief stuck in his mouth . Monty looked down on his father , calmly put the signed executive order in his jacket pocket , collected his pen , and got down so he could try to hear what the old man 's last words would be . He removed the handkerchief from the chairman 's mouth and leaned close . " What is it , old geezer ? " Before he could utter a sound , Blake McPride closed his eyes . At that instant , the office door behind him opened , and Peggy Simmons walked in with the Broadwell files . |
Verity celebrated her 2nd birthday on Saturday ! I can 't believe it 's been 2 years since I 've been pregnant . That 's the longest time since , well , 2000 , I guess . Verity looked a bit like Rudolph the Red - Nosed Reindeer for her birthday because she fell on the carpet at Bible study Friday and skinned up her poor nose . What a present ! We brought dessert to Bible study Friday night to celebrate , even though most of us had been gone all day down in Charlottesville . I made 2 strawberry pies late Thursday night . They honestly did not turn out that well , which goes to show I should probably not start baking things at 10 : 00 PM , lol . They never really set , although that did not stop my kids from gobbling them down . Bob baked brownies while we were gone , and those went over well , as usual . Yum ! Saturday Verity got to celebrate by spending a good deal of the afternoon as a cross - country meet . The high schoolers ran in a different meet ( ironically about 20 minutes north of Orange , where we were on Friday , so about an hour and 20 minutes away ) , but they ended up meeting us at this meet in time to see Jonathan run . The elementary school where we were had a lovely playground , so the kids had a ball playing there . Verity would not keep her shoes on so she got pretty filthy . Anna competed in her very first cross - country race ( a 3k ) , and she got third for girls in her 10 and under age group ! She was happy because she had been very nervous in the car on the way over . One thing she was nervous about is that she doesn 't actually have her team singlet because the company was out of girls medium ones . So she just had to wear a tank top of her own , and she was * very * concerned about this . We all tried to tell her that this was a meet that was very casual and literally no one would care a single bit about what she wore . We were right ! Whew ! She got this nifty little medal , which I am sure will be a motivator to greater things . She has been enjoying this season . After dinner , which was Costco pizza ( Verity did not get a say in that , lol ) , we had ice cream in Verity 's honor . Well , we tried to anyway . I had bought 4 half gallons not too long ago , and we only had ice cream a time or two . . . but with all these teenage boys around , ice cream really doesn 't last that long , and it turned out that all 4 cartons , plus another one we found in a different freezer , were practically empty . We scraped out what we could , and also dug up a few ice cream bars from the recesses . Poor child # 10 ! She didn 't seem too disappointed . After the ice cream , Verity opened her presents . This is a real struggle for me - - what do you get a 2 year old who has 9 older siblings ? ! ? And when you don 't want to just have even more stuff to be strewn about the house ? Bob had gone to Ikea awhile ago , and he had picked up a wooden train set and a wooden abacus , so we gave those to her . She does like the train , although it is possible that Micah and Drew like it even more than she does ! I used the abacus on Monday with Micah to help him learn his doubles facts . I 've been using duplo towers , but the abacus is easier . Bob also had picked up an adorable little leotard that was on sale at the girls ' gymnastics place , so Bob was the real shopper this birthday . I was so glad because I really didn 't have any extra time to hunt around for something we don 't already have ! Verity was confused by the concept of tearing wrapping paper , probably because lately she has torn pages of a few books and gotten ROUNDLY scolded by me for it ! It looks like we should have just given Verity the gift bag ! She had a ton of fun with that too ! The younger 6 and I went to the store Monday afternoon ( after an eternity at the dentist office for cleanings ) , and in line Verity pointed to the balloons and said , " Balloon ! Balloon ! " . I decided to buy her one of the little ones on a stick , and she was thrilled to pieces with that ! Plus it can 't fly up to the top of our cathedral ceiling and get stuck in our ceiling fan blades , so a win - win , definitely . Verity is still the happiest little girl , although I will say she has started to show her temper a bit more lately . She has definitely gotten more screechy and demanding as well ! She has also started saying a lot more words , fitting in with our usual pattern of not talking much ( recognizable words at least ) until around 2 . Her hair is finally coming in ( curly ! ) . About 2 weeks ago she peed on the potty one morning when she had been dry all night , and I got all excited , thinking she might be ready to potty - train . Well , she has not produced any other thing on the potty since then , so my hope has been dampened , lol . I guess we 'll keep buying diapers for a little longer . It 's been over 19 years - - what 's a few more months ? ! In fact , the very night of her birthday , I was giving her a bath with Micah and Drew - - and she POOPED a ton in the tub ! What in the world ? ! She hasn 't done that since she was a baby ! What a stinker ! Good thing she 's cute . . . I think we 'll still keep her . LOL ! Today Rivendell took a field trip down to Montpelier , the home of James Madison , and also to UVa . A few weeks ago I started having panic attacks about how to deal with all the little kids , since we were doing separate tours for high school / junior high , and the younger kids at both places , and I really wanted to be with Luke on the admission tour at UVa . So Bob generously volunteered to take leave and stay home with Micah , Drew , and Verity . That was * such * a blessing . There were quite a few times during the day where I said , " I can 't even imagine dealing with the littles right now too . " It was so much nicer without having to worry about them , because I am sure they would have been miserable ! One reason was because we left the house at 7 : 15 . It was a beautiful drive , but everyone else in our car missed out because they were fast asleep . We made good time and were actually the first ones at Montpelier . This literally never happens , and I 'm sure it wouldn 't have happened if Micah , Drew , and Verity had been there ! We split up into 2 groups immediately and went our separate ways . This was the only time we saw the older kids . The view from Montpelier was so beautiful and relaxing ! I would have loved to sit on a rocking chair on that front porch for awhile ! Our guide took us down to a room used as a kitchen for James Madison 's mother , who lived here with them , using some rooms on one side of the house as her " apartment " . There were just chairs in the room , and the guide passed out bags of costume stuff , plus a card for each person to read , telling about the person they were supposed to be . Faith , here , was Dolley Madison , which was a source of great envy and consternation for Anna . Faith got to wear a little turban , gloves , and a necklace , while Anna had to wear a big white shirt , because she was " Paul Jennings " , James Madison 's personal servant . You would not believe the amount of huffing and dirty glares at Faith ! I told her in a fierce whisper that she was showing such an ugly , jealous heart , and that she needed to just read her card and get over herself . Thankfully she did , but it was touch and go . Grace was carrying on about her tennis shoes because apparently no tennis shoe on earth can be remotely comfortable for her delicate feet , so she spent most of the tour walking on her tiptoes , with just her toes actually * in * the shoes . This was one of those points where I was glad not to be dealing with Micah , Drew , and Verity , lol . The other characters were James Madison 's parents , his teacher at boarding school , Thomas Jefferson , and his college friend . It was actually a very interesting exercise , and a good way to engage the kids . I think they all learned quite a bit . After the dressing up part , we toured the rest of the house , which was interesting . I was again struck by how incredibly well - educated our founding fathers were . When I hear Democrats talking about how to Constitution should be an evolving document , or words to the effect that they could improve on it , I can 't think how anyone now possibly thinks they understand history , logic , etc . well enough to change a single thing . Really amazing . The kids impressed the guide by reciting the preamble to the Constitution for our guide when she asked what the purpose of the Constitution was . I was very glad that our memory work applied ! There were also several things we saw in the house that really fit in with the book that Anna and Grace are reading for their lit class called Diary of an Early American Boy . It is from a slightly earlier time period , but some of the objects mentioned in it were in Montpelier , so it was fun to see those . After our tour , we walked over to see the Temple , which is part of an archaeological dig right now . Under the Temple is the ice house , and the guide said Madison built the temple on top of it so he could sit there and feel the cool breeze coming up from the ice . Today would have been a lovely day for that . The weather really was beautiful , but it got hot , walking around in the sun ! That was another time I was glad not to be carting the littles around . They would probably not have done well on the tour and been kicked out to the " kids getaway " room down in the cellar . On our way back to the visitors center , we walked through the formal gardens . There weren 't a lot of flowers blooming now , but it was really pretty . There were some shady parts with benches , which also seemed like really nice places to spend a hot day . There was a sundial in the middle of the garden , and it accurately showed the time as noon . After we got back , we had a picnic lunch , just in time because everyone was " starving " . Miraculously they all revived , and we hopped back in the car to drive 45 minutes to UVa . Emily arranged 2 tours for us , a historical tour for the younger kids , and an admissions tour for the high school guys . They both started at 2 : 00 , and we thought we would have plenty of time , but then we couldn 't actually get to the parking garage in the middle of campus that admissions recommended we park at . So we had to turn around and go to a different one a few blocks away . This took up more time , so we had to really hoof it back to the Rotunda , where the tours started . Again , I was so happy to not be trying to walk fast with crabby toddlers ! Luke , Caleb , and I went on the admissions tour . Our guide was really good , sharing a lot of his personal experiences . He seemed like a real grounded , solid young man , so he left a good impression of the school . I will say though - - I do not like the campus as much as VT 's . It just seemed claustrophobic , with all these narrow paths crowded with people , and a ton of different levels . Everything was up stairs , across a path , down some more stairs into a courtyard , up some more stairs , etc . I was pretty disoriented . But the university itself seems like a good one , lol . Luke liked it a lot , any how . He said he could definitely see himself there . We 've just got to finish up the applications . I need to send in my part - - hopefully next week . We ended our tour at the room that was Edgar Allen Poe 's while he was at UVa . He was only there 10 months as a student . The high school lit kids just finished a unit on Poe 's short stories , so this was a very fitting place to get their picture taken . Then we reconvened at the bookstore , walked to the Rotunda for more pictures , and finally headed back to the parking garage . We were so glad for air conditioning and some water ! We quickly drained our water bottles , so we stopped at Chick - FIl - A for dinner . We got home at 7 : 35 , dropped off Caleb and Luke , and the headed over to Bible study because we were bringing dessert . Such a long day ! Bob had a fun day too . He and the kids went to Petsmart to get a few more fish for our fish tank . Then they took a picnic lunch over to River Bend Park , where they also went on a hike to Great Falls . Micah , Drew , and Verity had great fun - - but Bob ended up carrying both Verity and Drew a lot of the way back to the car ! We should all sleep well tonight ! We spent Saturday cleaning out our garage because we have a mouse . Indulge me while I continue to pretend it 's just one mouse , thanks . We first noticed evidence of this mouse during the winter because he ate into a bag of chocolate chips I had carelessly left on the floor in front of our shelves in the garage . And then later I noticed he had also eaten into a bag of plain M & Ms up on the top shelf . And also some almond roca pieces from a can the girls had left open on one of the lower shelves . Those he delicately moved out of the can and nibbled , until the foil wrappers were empty except for poop . All the other things - - boxes of Ritz crackers , granola bars ( 2 kinds ! ) , graham crackers , etc . - - he didn 't even touch . Clearly this was a mouse that loved chocolate . A mouse that loves chocolate definitely seems like one from a children 's book . I started thinking of him as " Chester " . I thought he would be gone after the winter , and I started not putting chocolate out in the garage . But alas , Chester did move on to some Sunchip snack mix no one liked that we bought a long time ago at our food co - op . We discovered this when Anna decided to use some of them up Thursday and found a completely empty bag with a neatly nibbled hole . There were actually a total of 3 empty bags , so I guess that sustained Chester once I cut him off of chocolate . The snack mix bags were fairly stale and rancid by this time , so we just tossed the whole box . But that is what led to the Great Garage Clean - out of 2016 . We put as much stuff out on the driveway as possible so we could sweep out all the droppings under the shelves . Eventually we got to this dark scary corner between our freezer and the purple garage fridge . The only time we ever even bother with anything there is when we need some camp chairs or tarps ! Well , we took every single forgotten item out of this corner , and there we found Chester 's quarters . It was a huge nest made of insulation and shredded paper towel , although I never could see that he broke into our big cases of paper towels . Knowing us , though , " we " certainly could have just dropped some paper towels and left them for Chester to find . There was a ton of poop back there too . I think we have to judge Chester as a refined mouse of good taste because he never bothered the big cord for our fridge which runs right by his nest . I am so glad he never nibbled on that ! Eventually we got everything put back in the garage . I got empty plastic storage tubs from the basement to put food in on the shelves , and we moved all the individual bags of chips , which the kids use for co - op lunches , inside . We did find an unopened package of mouse traps , so clearly we had these thoughts before , lol . In fact , we also found a sprung trap under the shelves . Who knows what we baited it with ? Chester got it out unscathed , though . Grace was looking at the traps , and she said , " It looks like these will hurt the mouse ! " I said something about it breaking the mouse 's neck , which should be pretty instantaneous death . " We 're going to KILL the mouse ? ! ? " She was pretty horrified . Who can blame her ? Our read - aloud just last spring was Mrs . Frisby and the Rats of N . I . M . H . . We 've read Redwall , Ralph S . Mouse , Stuart Little , and all those other classic mouse books . They 're cute ! Also full of nasty poop , and while I can deal with " Chester " , I really am NOT comfortable with the idea of a whole family of mice including multiple generations bedding down in the scary corner this whole winter ! Of course , we still haven 't actually gotten around to setting the traps . . . We officially started back with all our co - ops last Tuesday . I was worried , since we had been gone all weekend , and Faith , Micah , and Drew got back later from Idlewild . But not to worry , because last Tuesday went like a charm ! Everyone did well , there were no glitches , even with the computers , and so I breathed a sigh of relief . That may have been premature , however , because wow , did we ever have quite the day today ! I haven 't been feeling well ( allergies , I think , plus a bunch of canker sores in my mouth ) , so I was already not 100 % . We 've been having random issues with our printer , which always makes me really stressed . Bob , Luke , Caleb , Jonathan , Anna , Grace , and Faith were all at the Redskins / Steelers game last night , thanks to tickets from Bob 's company , and so while they had an amazing time , they didn 't get in bed until midnight . And 3 out of 4 TNT kids had show - n - tell or read - n - tell . Anna did fine for her read - n - tell , which is like an oral book report . She picked Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians , which was well received . Micah was extremely not enthusiastic about his show - n - tell , but fortunately the aide was a friend of ours from our Friday night Bible study , so I emailed her to give her the backstory on his object . He brought a baseball from a Nationals game he went to with Bob , Anna , and Ian , a friend of ours from church , 2 years ago . It was right around his birthday , so on the way home , Bob and Ian got the whole metro car to sing " Happy Birthday " to him . Then this random stranger , who had caught a foul ball during the game , presented the ball to him , which was really sweet . So Claire , the aide , asked Micah leading questions , which he did answer . No one else in his little class had ever gotten a ball like that , so they thought it was pretty special , which made him smile . Grace was a different story , however . She ( reluctantly ) decided to talk about our ride in the C - 17 when we flew space - a to Travis AFB on our way to Hawaii in 2014 . I helped her type up a little narrative so she could just read it , and I printed out 4 pictures to go along with her story . In the van this morning , I asked if she had it , and she assured me she did . But when I dropped her off at her classroom , she turned to me and said , " Oh , I don 't think I put it in my backpack . " What ? ! ? I checked , and sure enough , it was not there . I told her I would go home and bring it back to her , even though I had to start teaching biology in about 20 minutes , but when I got home , I couldn 't find the folder anywhere . I would just have started teaching class , except Verity chose this morning to have a huge melt - down tantrum . Eventually I just put her back to bed so I could start teaching , but I was already frazzled , and I hadn 't even started my first class ! After we got started , Jonathan appeared in the schoolroom . He had been in the basement starting the " Traditional Logic " dvds for himself and 2 other boys . He showed me the disc , which had a largish crack on the back , and so it wasn 't working . Of course it wasn 't - - not today ! I remembered the second disc had broken the last time we did this class because for some reason , it was really hard to get them out of case , but I hadn 't realized the first one had cracked as well . Lovely ! I sent him back down with instructions to go over the introduction stuff orally , and made a mental note to order new dvds . Happily , Verity was in a much improved frame of mind when I got her up after my class ended . When we headed back over to pick up the kids , I got Anna first and asked her if she knew where Grace 's folder was . " Oh , she had it in the van , but she dropped it so it went behind the back seat . Didn 't she get it ? " Well , noooooo . . . and she didn 't even mention anything about the van this morning ! I was pretty steamed , so I told Grace that since she had been so deceptive , she was going to have to deliver this little show - n - tell to my afternoon life science class , to the memory work kids , and then to the biology kids during lab on Thursday before giving it next week to her TNT class . Well , that set off waves of tears and sobbing . The drama ! It took a good 20 minutes of sniffling and carrying on before she would read it for the life science class , but she eventually made it through . The boys were very interested , asking lots of questions about the ride ( like I knew they would ! ) , so she felt better . She didn 't balk at all about giving it to the memory work kids , and she ( happily ) told Caleb tonight that she was going to give her presentation ( that 's a big word for what is like a 1 - 2 minute thing , lol ) to his class on Thursday . So overall I would say she has gained some confidence , which is good . My big hope , however , is that she will decide that avoiding things like presentations in front of people by being sneaky is really not a good way to go . I did point out while we were waiting for her to stop crying before life science , that if she had just read the thing this morning , she would have already been WAY done ! Ah well . It was interesting . I 'm just glad this was not the first day , or I would have definitely considered it a bad omen for the rest of the year ! And that would have been unfortunate , because really things * are * going well so far this year . I 've made a concentrated effort to work with Micah Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays , since those are the days I don 't teach . I started Anna on Teaching Textbooks 5 for math this year , and even though it 's only been about 3 weeks , it has already really boosted her confidence , and she is really liking it . Grace is back to Saxon , this year 5 / 4 . She and Anna really are in a pretty similar place , but obviously I can 't put them in the same program because that would devastate Anna . So this is working out fine , and she doesn 't seem to mind not having a fancy computer program to put her answers into . Faith is buzzing right along , even getting her work done without me telling her to some days ! This week the online classes start . It 's been really nice to just kind of ease into our fall schedule , since it has a bunch of moving parts and is fairly complex . After Thursday , all classes and activities will have started , so hopefully we 'll be able to work any kinks out of transportation or anything else . So far Caleb and Jonathan have seemed more motivated to get their school work done , and I can only pray that continues ! Luke and I have been meeting Thursday evenings to work on college application stuff , so we are making some progress there . There are definitely a lot of plates to keep spinning . Hopefully once we get this big ship moving , inertia will take over , and we 'll just keep heading in the right direction ! We had such a fantastic time at the Labor Day retreat for my parents ' chapel and Bible study group . The weather was perfect , the speaker was great , and it was so nice to catch up with old friends ! One family who had been stationed elsewhere for a few years is back , so they were there again , and I really enjoyed the times I could sit and talk with Anja . Saturday afternoon the little boys got to ride around the ( corral ? paddock ? I 'm not horsey ) , even though I forgot to sign them up , and there wasn 't supposed to be any room left . They were really looking forward to it , so I was * so * glad it worked out . Whew ! Drew looked cute with his helmet on ! He was a little more scared of the horse than Micah , but he did fine . They also got to pet the baby miniature horse who was born back in June . Monday morning , Bob left with Faith , Micah , and Drew to go to Idlewild , the amusement park he 's taken all the other kids to . You can see how excited Micah was about this ! They had a great time riding the kiddie rides . Idlewild is really the perfect place for kids the ages of Micah and Drew , and Faith always enjoys being the oldest ! The rest of us had an uneventful drive home Monday after lunch . It was very quiet , since Verity napped , and we didn 't have to stop once , since the smallest bladders were not with us ! Bob and the kids got home a little late , around 9 : 00 , and the kids slept really well after their exciting day ! I 'm finally catching up by going back to the Friday before Labor Day , when we headed out early to visit Bob 's parents . We got there after lunch , in time for cake and ice cream on the front porch ! Bob 's sister Jane stopped by to visit too . I love , love , love this picture of Bob 's mom with Verity ! She was helping Verity up and down the porch stairs . We were so thrilled to see how much more she was moving around . Jane had the brilliant idea for her to snack on Frosted Flakes , since she hadn 't been eating too much . But she loves Frosted Flakes , and they are easy for her to munch on . She had a lot more energy and was so much warmer than the past few times we 've visited , where she mainly sat in her recliner under several blankets , no matter how warm it was . Luke spent some good time with Grandpa on the back swing , and eventually Jane and Bob went back there too . We got Bruno on Easter of 2014 from our friends Zachary and Karynn , who didn 't have room in the apartment they were moving into for more than one bunny . I was pregnant with Verity at the time , and I think it was my pregnancy hormones that convinced me that was the right time to get the bunny I had always wanted ! Bruno was a mini rex , which is the softest bunny breed ever . Most bunnies have a rougher outer coat of guard hairs , but rexes don 't have this outer coat . They only have the soft undercoat . We always said Bruno was the real " Velveteen Rabbit " . The even better thing about rex bunnies is their wonderful temperment . Bruno was a happy boy , never biting or being crabby . He was so good with all the kids ! He got his exercise by merrily hopping away from a lumbering Verity , squealing with glee as she got somewhat close to him . Bruno started out in our study , but when Verity was born , we needed to put her downstairs pack - n - play in there , since it has doors that close . So we moved Bruno to the schoolroom , where he had this spacious set - up . He loved to nap on the plastic piece by the litter box . It was a leftover piece from one of the chair mats for under rolling office chairs . We had to put that cardboard on top of his cage after he learned he could jump on top of the cage and then hop on out ! Eventually we did get a nicer piece of cardboard . Bruno loved to go outside and nibble on leaves . Once he discovered the shadow of the big van , however , all he wanted to do was hide under there , so we stopped letting him out in the front yard . No one wanted to spend time urging him out from under the van by gently poking around him with a hockey stick ! He looked like a long ( fat ) seal when he laid out like this . It is hard for me to imagine anyone getting tubby on a diet of timothy hay , some pellets , and lots of kale and greens , but he was proof that it is possible ! I guess he needed Verity to chase him more ! We let him hop around the main floor in the evenings . We always shut the study door , because of all the computer cords , and we eventually had to shut the play room doors too , since he decided that was his own personal gigantic litter box . He never peed in the family room , though , and he loved to race in a circle through the room , and behind our long sectional couch . He would kick his heels up in the air and just have a good time . We did lose a few computer charging cords and ear bud cords before we learned to be VERY careful about unplugging everything and putting all cords up on the couch so his sharp teeth couldn 't snip right through them ! Although he liked to stand on his hind legs and look at what we were doing , he never did learn to jump up on the couch with us . He also really liked nibbling on books and papers people would leave on the floor . The Rithmatist by Brandon Sanderson was a real favorite . He took some big hunks out of those delicious pages ! When we had our tree up , Bruno loved sitting under it , occasionally nibbling on a present or two . I was always worried that he might nibble on the cords for the lights , but for some reason he always left those alone . We also liked to let him out on the deck , since we could close gates so he couldn 't get out . When we had our big blizzard in January of this year , we cleared a circle path for him to run around on . He was pretty interested in this strange white world ! We loved picking dandelion leaves and clover for Bruno to munch on . His absolute favorite was kale , though . In fact , I was a little concerned about him this past week because he only nibbled on a bit of the kale I was giving him , which was very unusual for him . In thinking back , I remember things that were off , but he didn 't seem sick or anything that really put up a red flag . He was definitely eating less the past week or 2 , and he was less active . We would let him out of his cage , and he would hop around the school room a time or two , and then hop back into his cage and lie down . He was spending more time in his actual little cage in the back , and not on his red carpet where he usually lay . When I was petting him just a few days ago , I remember thinking I could feel his bones a lot more than usual . He was molting , so I was thinking maybe his coat was just really thin or something . But it was even the wrong time for him to be losing his summer coat - - it certainly isn 't seeming like winter any time soon . Last night the older 3 boys stayed home , and the rest of us went to Bible study . When we got home at around 9 : 30 , I immediately saw that Bruno was lying on his side in his cage with his head down . He was unnaturally still , and I realized he was just staring off into space . I told the kids I thought Bruno was dead , and no one could believe it . Jonathan was especially shocked because he had just petted Bruno 's head maybe 30 minutes before . He said Bruno was definitely alive , but he didn 't lift his head up very much at all , so he must have died very shortly after that . There was definitely no struggle , and he never seemed like he was in any kind of pain , so that 's a relief . Last night as we were going to Bible study as well as early this morning , we saw a wild bunny across the street . Grace said , " Maybe it 's a sign for Bruno ! " I told them that bunny was definitely younger than Bruno ( who was right around 3 years old - - a birthday buddy with Verity ) , because wild bunnies don 't live very long at all . Bruno had a good , happy life where he was very loved . We will all miss him very much . He was the perfect pet for us - - he didn 't require tons of taking care of , and he was absolutely silent , except for his little hippity - hopping around the floor . We definitely didn 't need any more noPosted by |
She was working in the checkout lane of a local market . I would see her when I bought food for the night or next two nights . I worked construction and would come in after the work day ended . My name is Johnston Williams ; and yes I do know I have two last names . I am thirty four , five foot ten , one hundred and eighty pounds . I have the typical construction tan . I don 't work out , and I don 't go to a gym or any of that . I do run , always liked to run , especially now that I have the space for it and do it right . But for seven years I did not get much ability to do it . Now I do it as often as I can . There was always a big smile for me and I decided to ask her out . We did the normal local bar stuff , but I did not drink alcohol . I was a construction worker and she was going out with a man who worked with his hands . We did hit a place and have some dinner before hand . I wanted to take her line dancing but instead the date prematurely ended at her place when she screamed for me to fuck her ass and every other hole she had . Lucky for me I put a bag on the big guy . She told me I did not have to but I asked her if she knew how many women I fucked in the past year and she said no . I asked her how many she had and she said about ten , but it was probably more like twenty , she was a slut . Then I asked if she knew everyone they had been fucking and so on . She got the idea and helped me bag the boy . It was a pretty hot time from an over the hill babe . When she was young she was probably the hottest piece around but time and too much booze took that away . She was not all that bad , but that did not make her good . But hell it was pussy and I needed some . I was still horny so I asked for the next night and she said yes . About noon of the next day she called and said something had come up and how about moving the date to Monday . Hell no problem , Monday pussy is just as good as Saturday or Sunday pussy . I was looking for a good mean Rib Eye so Black Angus was on the agenda , I needed some red meat . Eating that Rib Eye took me back and I was staring into space and then I noticed her . Little miss grocery checker was two booths down swapping spit with two other dudes and living on the fat . Not my problem . The place was getting a little boring anyway so I packed up , called the boss and told him I was out of there and away I went . He did not have much work for the next month anyway so he did not worry about it . He told me I could have anyone call him about my work ; and to call him if I needed any work next time I was in the area . I spent a lot of time working this way and burning bridges not the best of ideas when you like freedom and the open road . I hated being indoors , had way more than I needed of that already . I have this huge Tahoe with a trailer that I made for it . It has a hitch but also two bars on each side that tie into my Tahoe suspension so there is no rolling back and forth at eighty . I had been around for more than half a year so it was time to leave anyway . Let 's face it when a grocery store checker stands you up you have to figure out that you are pretty damn far down the list . So now I loaded up the Tahoe and the enclosed trailer with everything I had , which was damn little . I put my Harley into it , and no it isn 't some chopper or a hog but just a nice bike to do some riding . It came with a butterfly net and a crescent wrench . The net to catch all they damn parts that keep falling off and the wrench to put them back on . Hey , made in America means something special to me . So here I am and on the road , always driving the speed limit and being nice to everyone . I am a walking rolling search for some fool with a badge , so I have learned to play it cool around them , but they can spot me from a hundred miles . I have the look and they have all seen it before . I am listening to some tunes , having just filled up the Tahoe and both belly tanks , and it is getting pretty dark . I like the side roads so I don 't see any cops and I see this fire way up ahead . I pull off before I get close and take out my binoculars with the laser sighting and it looks like a few bikers are fucking the shit out of this skinny skank . She does not appear to mind but does not look like she is enjoying it , but what whore does . But there was something wrong and I did not like it . She was drugged , I could see it , and if she is drugged she can 't consent and if she can 't consent then it is rape . Damn I hate rapists . Fuck , I could have gone all day without seeing this shit ! So I take out the bike and do some changing . I know the routine well by now . I roll up to them and get off . I say nothing but they do ? " Who the fuck are you ? " and " Get the fuck out ! " or " You 're dead meat asshole ! They talked too much . I have hardly quit rolling and I have already pulled out two Smith and Wesson Semi Automatic five shot Chief 's Special and start banging away with both 45 ′ s . That give 's me twelve shots , if I have put one in each chamber and I did . The first guy 's head exploded as he was banging into the drugged girl . Been there done that . The other two were moving around to get something , anything , to fight back with . I let them both have it and kept it up . She hardly looked at me when the guy in her blew up from the head down . His head just fucking exploded . She just looked at me with dead drug addict eyes . This was her life , she did little with it other than be here , and one asshole or another , it did not matter to her . As long as she got her fix she was happy ; well happy is not the word for it . I did not kill the other two right off and they were wiggling around so I went and emptied the 45 ′ s in their heads . Someone who I looked up to once told me when you decide what to do just fucking do it and don 't over think it . Get it done and get the fuck out . I made her repeat it as we walked back to my bike . I put her on the back and pulled into the road , no tracks on asphalt unless you burn out . I told her to keep the bike up and she did . I took a few branches and wiped out any foot prints in the area and put dirt on the fire until it was out . Made sure to lay the bikes down in the underbrush , put the bodies there too , you would have to know they were there to see them . No prints of the tires or our feet were left . We headed back to my Tahoe . I put her into the passenger seat . I changed clothes and put the Harley away . She was dark skinned , had short hair , skinny as a rail , no ass , no tits , and tats . Everything I hated in a woman and that was her . Well it would not be rape , but she still had what I was looking for , a hole between her legs . As we drove I handed the guns to her and told her to strip them . There was no ammo so I was not worried . She did it like she grew up doing it . I had her strip the magazines too . Then I handed her a small wrench with a screw driver on the other end and she took the grips off and pulled out everything else . Everything went into the bag I gave her . About ten miles up there was a bridge and she tossed one of the frames out . We dumped the other one off a different bridge into the waters . Except for the two slides , the rest of the little parts went along the side of the road miles apart . As we drove it would be a spring or a screw and after about two hundred miles it was all gone . Damn they were two of my favorite guns too . I knew where we had to go and I headed right for it , in a round about way . I had a full set of tanks and that would get me six or seven hundred miles . I made a few stops to let her fix and get gas . If she was high she was no problem . We stopped once at a rest stop and I got a little sleep . I handcuffed her to me . She did not seem to give a shit one way or another . She was getting stoned and got water and food and it was warm and dry , that was all she cared about . Damn she stunk . She was a hard core bitch too . She was sporting five tear drop tats ; one for each six months in the slam . Some put them there for each six months their man does , she did it for the two and a half she did in prison . I gave her some food but she was not all that hungry , she was heroin chic , because she was a heroin addict . With her it was not a fashion statement , it was a life choice , she chose to kill herself with drugs and sell her pussy to get them . No one would ever miss her ; she was part of that faceless and uncared for underbelly of society . She was already dead , she just did not know it yet , but everyone who saw her did . And did she have tats and I hated tats . Tats from prison ; tats from being a whore , tats from being owned . She had sleeves , hard core tats , and no fucking butterfly 's or flowers . This bitch would kill you for a high . They don 't get any better than that . When we got to where we were going I pulled her drugged ass out of the Tahoe and carried her into the cabin . I left the doors open to air the thing out , she made everything stink . I had been here many times , and it was the only thing I owned that I could not take with me . I put her in a chair and tied her down . She was so fucking high she had no idea what I was doing , but she would . I cut her clothes off and she started to come awake . I had a covered outside porch and that is where I kept her . There was an old pot bellied stove there and I kept it fired up just after I got there . She woke up and cussed me ; she was going to do a lot more than that . She screamed but there was no one for miles but I gagged her anyway . The light in her eyes never came on , and it was like she was really dead . There was nothing left inside . Not fear , not anger , nothing , she was dead , she just wanted to get high and that was not going to happen ever again ; it was time for her to die . She told me she was going to need a fix but I just shook my head no . She offered me pussy , I told her it was already mine ; I did not need her to offer what I already owned . I made her repeat that she was mine and she did . That unemotional resignation was still there ; she tried to pretend she was still alive by pretending to have emotions , but we both knew it was a failure . Soon that would all be gone ; that would all be dead . I took off my shirt , I was skinny too , but I had a lot of muscle from good old fashioned fucking hard work . She looked at my body , and it looked a lot like hers , especially my arms . I had the same tracks she had . " You are dead " I told her " time to be reborn . " " Yes and yes , " I replied , " but you will have help . " " I don 't want to . But I don 't have any choice do I ? I 'm yours but I really don 't want this . " She was trying to talk me out of it but was resigned to it . She did not even cry she knew she was already dead . " No choice at all . You have a new name too . You will forget if I tell you now . " " No tell me now , I need something to look forward too . " she told me . She looked at me and laughed . It was good to hear her laugh , especially when she was going to die . " You fucking named me after Wuthering Heights ? Heathcliff ; you named me after Heathcliff ! " I was glad to see she knew what was going to happen ; but I did not intend to letting her free . She would have 48 hours after her last fix before it really hit . Then death would be upon her . The next day it would be diarrhea and then she would be tired , would have the urge to take nap , and then beginning to feel unwell . Those pleasant experiences would be followed by extreme sweating , along with , fatigue , and wanting to lie down . And smelling , more like stinking , if she could stink anymore than she already does . I actually washed her down a few times and hosed off the rear deck . Then it would be snotty runny nose , watery eyes , fatigue , anxiety , and the aches begin , and the stomach cramping would get worse . And it did not get better . There would be a complete loss of appetite , accompanied by hot and cold sweats . Going cold turkey is never easy but you have to do it . By the third day her diarrhea gone because there was no food passing through her gut , and she started shaking violently back in that fetal position . Irritability is a nice way of saying she would be a yelling and screaming bitch , and she would get to have that feelings of hopelessness , and her thoughts would run to , " This will never end . Can I die from this ? I 'm dying , someone help . " She knew she was dying , and soon she would be resigned to death . I held her when I could , remembering that she was dangerous when she was not high . After that she got to have 4 or more days of insomnia and going in and out of consciousness from pain , and trying to sleep to make it go away . Her vision would be so bad that she would not be able to see . During this time I moved her from the chair to a bed and back again . She was restrained each time . But I had to move her for her own health . She finally got through it and after about a week she was dead and it would be time to be reborn ; the physical part anyway . I made her keep repeating that she was mine and when she did I told her my things , my property , were not junkies . I kept repeating that , NOT JUNKIES . We talked a lot about drugs and how fucked up she was . I had been through the entire thing and I had quit cold turkey like she did . No more drugs . Two weeks later , now clean and sober and drug free for three weeks we left the cabin and went into the world . Her old life was gone , now it was her new life . I am sure she wondered why I had not fucked her , she was a hole and I was a man and that is what men did to a hole , especially one tied up . I wondered the same thing too but I was not into rape . The first thing I did was buy her some clothes . She had a shit load of tats but I did not try to cover them . As a matter of fact I knew someone who was very good in the business and we gave her a few more . I wanted the ones on her neck covered so he came up with this lace shit that went up high and down to the base of her neck . It covered a tattoo I did not want anyone to see , that person was dead , Calbrit Heath , Cali for short , was born . She was one hard cold bitch too . I knew she would never feel save without a weapon so I bought her a couple of blades , she smiled when I gave them to her . Real nasty blades and sharper than a razor they were . She carried them everywhere . I know she could shiv me at any time but I did not think she would do it . Hope I am right about that one . She never batted an eye when I killed those three guys who were raping her for the price of a fix . She had a sort of sexy scary way about her ; even with all the tats , or maybe because of them . I took her into a woman 's clinic and they did a drug and STD 's scan . Had one done on me too , just for drill . She was rotten with tons of shit , I was clean . I got her all the needed medication and made sure she took it . I had to hang in the area to get her fixed but it worked . Three months later she tested OK . I had been working on a few jobs and she went with me . She did not want to be alone so I took the Tahoe and she stayed there during the day or walked abound where I was working . When she walked around no one worked very much . She was tall and skinny , titless and assless , and had tats everywhere , but she just made you feel you were going to die if she did not fuck you . Especially those damn tits , more like nipples on a chest without the tit . Shit they were on high beam all the time . With a tank top and short shorts she was begging to be bent over and fucked . One of the guys at the site made an attempt . He went up and put his hand on her ass and said something to her . She turned and smiled at him . I knew this was going to be trouble . She was not the kind of woman who wanted to " talk about it . " The next thing this fool knew she had a blade to his neck and a second one pointed and pressed into his cock , or at least where it would be if he had not pissed himself and probably drawn it up inside his body . He probably looked like a woman with a pussy instead of a man with a cock if he had been naked . I walked over to her and smiled shaking my head . I was amused by her decisive way of letting him know exactly how she felt about it . I was to find out just how decisive she could be when she wanted or did not want something . She pulled the blades away , put her arms around my neck , kissed me deep and hard , and with a mile and a half of tongue , pulled back and said , " I belong to you . " The funny thing is I never ever touched her , not even a kiss . We had only gotten the cleared up results a day or so earlier and I was waiting for a weekend . And her eyes , there was a light on in them too ; bright lights . Then Cali turned and looked at the guy who had grabbed her ass and the light was gone and it was deadly black in those eyes . He actually pissed himself again . No one touched Cali or even looked at her funny on that site , but the still all wanted to fuck her . She was a wild woman in bed . She fucked me everyway I could think of and some I did not even know about . She did it all with me and she did it because she wanted to do it . Funny that for a man who did not like any of the things she physically was , I was crazy about her body , every inch of it . And that little thing between her ears , I liked that too . I did not realize it but after months of being together with no sex and only being able to talk , I had fallen for her . But she was still silent about her past , we all have secrets . But Cali beamed when children came around . She loved children and they seemed to love her . Some of the women would be hostile at first but appeared to back off after they talked to her . It was a woman thing , I stayed out of it . Cali and I spent some time looking at the country . I worked some and we traveled a lot . She liked the bike and so did I but the Grand Canyon beckoned and we were off and not on a bike , but we did take it . We hit all the national monuments , and headed east . By now she had a few more tats with some color in them , black and grey gets old . We also covered some up with better looking ones . Prison tats are not all they are made out to be . She liked her new tats and I made sure it was quality work she got . She was covering her old life with a new one . I think we were in love . We were staying in Atlanta when she got quiet and the lights went out again , her eyes became dark and vacant . I was pretty worried and then I looked at what she was looking at . I knew immediately . We drove on and we did not talk . Night was falling , I told Cali that we were going to be leaving tonight and to pack everything up and go and fill up the truck and she watched me as I pulled the Harley out of the trailer . I was putting on some leathers and she just came up and kissed me ; not a hot , " fuck me now " kiss , just a real loving kiss . She said " thank you " and left to fill the Tahoe and the belly tanks with fuel and check out everything . When Cali got back he was gone , but it took no time at all to pack everything up . She even got the map out and planned the route , and she knew where the trip would end . She did notice her blades were gone . The bill was paid and she was just sitting , waiting . She was afraid to leave the room but as time passed she went out and bought some fast food for the trip . She knew exactly what was needed , she had been there before . At 11 : 00 pm John came in carrying a girl . He and Cali undressed her and gave her a quick bath , and John took a shower to wash all the blood off . He poured bleach in the shower and tub . They put sweats on her and she was put into the Tahoe but this time Cali got in back with her and held her as he drove . John had put the Harley away and had changed clothes . There was blood on everything . It all went into plastic trash bags and went with them . The drive started pretty fast . No stopping at all unless it was to take a piss . Cali had filled the car with fast food , junk food , coffee water , and even nuts , fruits and anything else they could eat and not have to stop . It was a long trip but they should make it in three days . That night the police would respond to a business dispute . The business was prostitution and the dispute was between a cheap low grade pimp with a reputation for violence and turning his whores into junkies to control them and a customer , a biker that no one had seen before and could not identify . Even the bike was not described , just black with no plates . The pimp had his throat cut so he could not yell and then was gutted . It was reported that one of the girls was missing but there was no real description of her other than white , young , tats , and heroin skinny . They figured she probably ran away when the pimp was killed . She was new to the area and no one knew much about her except she was hard and cold . The girl barely woke up and then she would fix and go back to see if the dragon was still there ; it was . After her third fix she woke up to find herself strapped into a chair in a secluded cabin . During her ride over she started to come down and began see what was happening around her . The first thing she saw was John . She looked at him with the same black lifeless eyes he had seen on so many heroin addicts before , on Cali too . He raised his shirt sleeve and showed her the tracks . " You have had your last ride , from here on you walk on your own two feet . I am here to help you but I am not alone and neither are you . " She yelled and cussed just like Cali had done a year earlier ; there is never any difference , no addict is unique when it comes to this time in their life . She accused him of killing her pimp and of wanting to rape her . He admitted the first and denied the second . This gave her pause . She remembered back . What did he say " This one is mine ? Is that what he said ? But what one , what was he talking about ? Me , he was holding me when he said it ! " The pimp wanted a debate so John reverted to what he had been taught . The first swipe cut the pimp 's throat and vocal cords and with him spurting blood John went up and ran the blade from the crotch to his breast bone . The pimp could not even scream . John wanted him to suffer , if only for a few moments . With his guts spilling out John spun him around and put the point of the blade at the base of his neck and pushed . The pimp started shaking and fell to the ground and the shaking stopped as John and the girl stood emotionless looking watching him die . " You 're mine , say it ! " John said to her . She said it like Cali had before . He made her repeat it on the ride back to the motel . Like Cali had done she took all the dope and her kit before she left her dead pimp and rode off with her new owner . She was used to being owned . She was stoned and out of it by the time they got to wherever they got to and now she was here . Now she sat tied to a chair , with a killer standing before her and no way for her to escape . Then she heard movement behind her . The hair on the back of her neck stood up . She felt a hand on her shoulder and the body moved around into her line of vision . " It 's OK baby , it will be ok , it will only hurt for a little while , and then you will be fine . I will be with you all the time and so will John . It won 't be easy but it never is . " She looked up into the eyes of her female captor . " MOM ? " she yelled out and started to cry , this time the tears were real and wet . Cali reached out and held her and cried too . There was light in both their eyes . Like her mother before her she got a new name ; Grange , Grange Heath . Cali laughs , and calls John an idiot and asks if he has ever read anything other than Wuthering Heights . John laughs and tells her he wants to be consistent . Grange would come out and be born in a week and be able to travel in a month . The first week is the hardest when it comes to physical pain , but the mental anguish does not end . John and Cali tell her it will never ever end , it hasn 't ended for them and it will never end for her . Grange is taken to the doctor and yes she too has a body full of disease but like her mother there is no AIDS and she is not HIV positive . The medication starts to fix her abused body , but drugs or even the lack thereof , cannot fix her abused mind , that will take longer , probably forever . She will have company , Cali and I will be there with her . During this time all of John 's leathers and the clothes that Grange wore that night are burned . John is broken hearted but the Harley has to go too . He takes it into the woods and over the small damn that borders his property . His beloved Harley , now in pieces , becomes a place for fish to play , like an ornament in a fish bowl . It can never be seen again . Grange , like Cali , bears the marks of her life . She has three tears , but hers are for hard Juvenile time . Sure they say it is not prison but the place has guards and bars and you do what you are told when you are told . You can get killed there as easy as anyplace else ; she earned her tears . She never says what she did to get a year and a half in jail ; but it must have been something pretty bad . She is every bit the cold hearted bitch her mother is . There are the empty cold eyes that lack fire and light , the light was there for a minute when she first saw her mother , and maybe it will come back . She has learned her mantra well , she is John 's and he does not want a drug addict for property . She is loaded with tats , like mother like daughter . Well maybe a little better , some of hers already have color in them , if you count red from the bleeding skulls . The neck tats have to go , to easy to identify , so she gets the neck lace treatment just like Cali . Actually this should make things a lot easier , they are a family , almost , and any description for people being wanted will not include a family , not for the first time nor this second . There are too many dead people in our shared past , even if they deserved to die . Having mother and daughter with the same neck tattoo will fit what some people think is part of a family thing . Cali and Grange look like mother and daughter or even sisters and you can 't miss they are family . John fits right in with them because he looks hard and dangerous because that it what he is . All three of them have secrets and those secrets made them what they are . They resume their travels . Grange is now aware of her mother 's relationship with John and also knows that there will be no more whoring , she is free from that life as long as she wants to be . In New Mexico , John gets them both ID with their new names on them . The Tahoe is too small so John gets a damn bus ; a real bus . They work on it and build out a bedroom , shower and bathroom , and a small bedroom for Grange . They even put in a kitchen with gas . So they can get into other places they get a small four seat car to tow . They cook on the road , use the portable internet satellite John has installed and stay in touch with the outside world as they move . They even track police stories about people found dead , including pimps and bikers . John has them reading on line and even manages to get them to study for their GED ; college can come later ; it took him seven years to get his degree , they have all the time in the world for theirs . But the most important thing is to expand them beyond what they did in their prior lives . Like her mother she was tall , heroin chic skinny , and even though titless and assless she is so fucking sexy that she oozed sex appeal just like her mom . " But what the hell could I do with her " thinks John to himself . She could travel with us but sooner or later she would need her own life and that means the streets and heroin again . Her mother and I talked a lot about it and did not have an answer . We would need to do something . She was now healthy and she would need to meet some people her own age . We had family meetings ; yes we call them a family meeting . We talked about school or something like a trade school , even school on the net . She had self esteem problems , duh . She was a whore before the age of eighteen ; and molested in foster care . Molested , what a stupid word , she was raped . Heroin was her escape ; all three of us have been there . Alcohol , pot , maybe some meth or coke , but eventually it was Heroin that dulled the pain the best . She did not want to leave us , she was afraid of what would happen . She knew she might not be strong enough to fight on her own and we three were stronger together than apart . So that is what we agreed , we agreed to stay together until it was agreed not to stay together . We would be a family , supporting each other . We would be free of outside pain but able to fight the pain inside with the help of this new family . I awoke with a pleasant sensation on my cock , and I was getting a very expert blow job . I could also hear crying but from a different direction . I looked to the crying and there was Cali sitting there in tears . I looked at my cock and there was Grange sucking me off and doing a bang up job too . But this was off just a bit . Cali came over and kissed me . " I love you and I love my daughter and she needs this too . " With that she pushed Grange 's head back over my cock . " Thank you for caring about me , " Cali said . Her crying had stopped and as we kissed I felt Grange stop sucking and then I felt the weight move and soon my cock was in a very wet warm place . I could feel it being enveloped by Grange , feel her taking me into her body . Then Grange was riding me . Cali and I kissed and I pulled her breast to me and sucked as I ran my hand over her pussy . " I love you " I said to Cali . " She stopped me and looked into my eyes . " She needs this " and then Cali moved so that her face was near my cock and Grange 's pussy . It was the pussy she was after . I felt Grange tighten up as Cali started licking her clit and Grange went all spastic when Cali started sucking on it . Then I heard Grange yell , " Mommy daddy is fucking my little pussy " followed by " Suck me there mommy " and " Oh God , Daddy , Mommy " until her words mixed together in a incomprehensible train of thought , and her pussy clenched like a vice and I swelled up and started shooting ropes of cum into her pussy . Cali started licking and sucking even harder . I had never experienced anything like this in my life . Cali was the sexiest woman I have ever fucked and the only one I had ever made love to who actually loved me back , but this was something new . How could I have known that being called Daddy while I was being fucked by Cali 's daughter would affect me like this . Well this was just a little bullshit here ; my woman was eating her daughter 's pussy , Grange just called me daddy , and I was shooting cum and I wanted a pussy to eat , and I was sure that there were enough of them to go around . I pulled Cali over my face and started my snack ; sex is hard work and I had to eat to keep my energy up . Cali has always loved my pussy eating and she was hot as hell anyway and she took her flight within a few minutes . When Grange finally got up she started leaking cum like crazy and Cali did not know whether to clean my cock or Grange 's pussy . When Grange said " Mommy see what daddy did to my little pussy " Cali chose the pussy and Grange , bless her little heart , decided that cleaning her new daddy 's cock was the right thing for her to do . " I 'm cleaning my daddy 's cock mommy " she said as she took it into her mouth . With an experienced cock sucker at work I got hard fast and next thing I knew Cali was on her back , I was inside her pussy and Grange was sitting over her face dripping my cum into her mouth and licking her mothers pussy as I pumped into her . " Fuck mommy daddy , fuck mommy " Grange said . " Fuck her real good daddy . " I 'm not sure where all this came from but it was kinky as hell and I loved it . That is when I pulled out of her pussy , lifted her legs higher and slid a very slimy cock into Cali 's ass . That put her pussy even higher and Grange put her entire mouth over that now gaping hole and sucked and licked like a hungry dog . I always loved fucking Cali 's ass , she kept it clean for me . During one of the strokes I came out , Grange grabbed it to put it back in and then looked at it and her mom 's ass . Not a brown spot anywhere . Then Grange took it into her mouth for a few sucks and put it back into her mom 's asshole . It turned into an orgy of three . Because I had cum just a few minutes before I was able to hold off but it was difficult with Grange calling me daddy and doing a 69 with her mother . This had not been the plan , in fact there was no plan , but it was working out for me . I moved around and took Grange 's ass and let Cali lick her pussy with my cock just inches away . We changed places all night long . I had my cock in every hole they had and my tongue was having a good time too . These two really loved each other and me too . I wanted my own pussy and now I had two , and all it cost me was a couple of 45 ′ s some blades and four dead bodies . Hell that was cheap pussy if you ask me . But somehow my desire for pussy changed , it became more than that . These were my friends , my best friends , my confidants , my lovers , my family . Other than one other person they were closer to me than anyone else in my life . Sure it was sick , but we were sick anyway and we were sick together and we were not hurting anyone , at least not then . You can 't actually beat addiction but you can replace it with something else , and Grange and Cali replaced theirs with me . Now I had two hot sexy women , mother and daughter , who fucked me to a standstill and themselves too . It was sure better than drinking every night in some bar or doing drugs and losing your mind and self respect . I also was a father figure to Grange and a husband to Cali . I know it was a fucked up family but it was us and we liked it . Sometime during the night we went from orgy mode into love mode . We made love with each other . It was soft , tender , and caring , with orgasms that rolled over each of my girls like warm Hawaiian waves . I would like to say I was a human volcano of endless hot male lava , but that would be bull shit . I held out as long as I could and hoped to stay heavy when I could not stay rock hard . They helped me out , made me the best I could be for them and for me too ; they probably had more sexual experience than I ever had and I did not consider that as a minus . It was just something that happened in our before life that we could use in the life we had together now . It did not make those experiences good ones , just useful to us now and now is all that mattered . They had done what they did before because they were told to do it , forced to do it , and paid to do it . They did it to survive , just barely , but survive was the goal , even if the survival was to allow them to find more heroin . Then they were meat , holes to be used . Now they were doing it because they wanted to be with me and each other , they were not meat , they were loved and sexual intimacy was part of love . They were sharing themselves with me because they wanted to . We were joining together because we could not stand to be apart . They were not being used ; because they already knew that I was theirs forever , just as much as they were mine . In the morning we woke up and I had a girl on each side of me , wrapping me in a cocoon of love . I kissed each of them on the forehead and on their eyes . They both awoke with a smile . This was not a first for Cali and I but for Grange , she said it was the first time she did not wake up after sex feeling like a dirty whore and with a man she knew actually loved her . She felt clean and satisfied . Well emotionally clean , we were all covered in cum , male and female cum . I kept my girls in bed and made them breakfast and we ate in bed . After breakfast we had desert . I had wet pussy and they had tube steak with protein . There is nothing like watching your woman leaking your cum as her mother or daughter drank it from that leaking hole . Yes I helped too . I love a dripping pussy , as long as I made it drip . They had both been whores and were hard cold bitches to everyone but me . They were like pit bulls , if they were your pit bull you felt safe , if not , then you moved with caution . Everyone around them moved with caution once they realized how dangerous they could be . When they walked down the street jaws dropped and dicks stood up . Sex appeal was their old business but they could not turn it off , it was second nature and I had no problem with it . I did not make them stay , that was their choice . I loved their choice in clothes . They would wear net tops with no bras so that those " A " cup tits poked out through the holes and then they would tell me it was so people could see their beautiful tattoos . By now it was full body with bright colors with birds and flowers . I took that to mean they were happy again . The only place they did not have any were in their stomachs and hips . They said they would tell me why later . They were now wearing happy beautiful tattoos . I never had a tat , and before my girls I did not like them at all but damn I loved to trace the designs with my tongue and kiss the vibrant colors . They both had pussy tattoos too . First they used lasers to keep them bald except for around the slit itself , then it was tat time , and they had a vision . That was a real trip getting those . They had flowers that opened up at the slit . They did not want their slits covered but the flower was all around it . The little hair they left around the slit would represent pollen on the inside of the flower . We went to an artist who was good with flowers . When he saw my girls he was panting to get to their pussies . He had a reputation for playing stinky finger with pussy tats but he was the best . I warned him before we started on Grange not to try it . Well he got the design down and started the outline . Then he made a little mistake . I could see his hand reaching over to put it on her pussy ; even I could see that there was no need for that . He was going to put his hand on her and stick his thumb into her . As I grabbed my . 45 caliber Derringer but Cali beat me to the punch . I heard her voice about the same time I heard him take a sudden breath . " Mine is bigger than yours " she told him . He held in his working hand an ink gun with a small needle . She held in her hand a straight razor and it was right at his throat and not just holding it , it was across it so that all she had to do was pull and any movement would cut deep into it and hit sever an artery as well as everything else until it reached the bone of the spinal column . He was one of those guys that used a lot of mirrors as he did his tats , he wanted to make sure they were perfect from every angle , and more than one mirror picked up the razor and by now my Derringer . He smiled weakly and moved his hand back to where it should have been . He sort of smiled and raised his shoulders up and down in a slow shrug , he did not make any sudden moved , and sat back as the razor was removed . I put the . 45 away and sat back . It was then that he saw that Grange had a similar Derringer , only a . 38 , pointed at his balls . My girls were bad news for anyone but me and at times I was scared by how fast they reacted to perceived threats . The parameters or our business relationship now having been firmly established he went to work as the artist he could be and was . It took more than a month to complete Grange 's and another to do Cali . I loved the way they looked . I was always smelling the flower and trying my best to lick up the honey . We stayed there for almost a year . We moved the bus to a job site and I worked it and Grange and Cali helped although I made them wear long sleeve shirts and pants , lightweight cloth . The sun was hard on their tats and I did not want they hurt by skin cancer . They ended up being good workers and learned the trade fast . The bus allowed us to remain at the sites and the girls made a lot of friends . The wives did not like them at first , they knew whores when they saw them , but after a week or so they came around . Their husbands sensed danger and stayed away from them . They both loved kids and played with them every chance they got . Cali hated that Grange was taken from her . The first reason they gave was Cali was too young to have a baby ; they forgot she got pregnant in foster care , THEIR foster care . The second reason they gave was Cali was a whore . Finally when Grange was twelve the state in its infinite wisdom prevented Cali from seeing Grange at all and refused to say where she was . Had Cali knows the danger Grange was in she would have killed to protect her but she did not know . They had the same life , suffered the same indignities , lived in the same hell and had the same results . Now they were mine and I intended to keep them safe . They both said that one day they wanted children and we talked about babies and I loved the idea . We started talking and I told them I never thought I would end up with them as lovers and mates . My ideal was long blond hair , a voluptuous body , big breasts , that was my ideal . But since I met Cali all that has changed . She is my idea of perfection . Tall , thin , pixy hair cut , dark hair and dark eyes , and that is perfection and since Grange is just like her mother , she too is perfect in my eyes . I told them that while I could see men without a problem it was females that I could not see . They were faceless moving shapes and nothing else . Cali asked me how I saw Grange then . I told her that it was easy , and I did not even have to see that Cali was upset . Grange came across just like Cali , every detail was perfectly clear , it was obvious she was Cali or part Cali and when I saw that I knew that I had to come and get you ; I had to save you for Cali and ultimately for me . They were my perfect women even with tattoos and I loved every line and color of those too . I let them know that I could not envision a life without them . Waking up with them , hearing them laugh , the sound of their voices , these are essential to my very life . Sharing thoughts during the day , feeling their hands in mine as we walked , I dreamed of this for the rest of our lives . And the sex Cali said , you forgot to mention the sex . I had to smile , yes the best sex in the world and the only real loving I have ever had . They both smiled when I told them that . We stayed at one job and then another . I told them it was time for a major trip and if they wanted to get passports we could take a cruise . The I . D . 's I got them were perfect and the Passports came in 90 days . I had a passport so there was no problem . Up until this time they had seen me protect them and I had seen them move to protect each . We were at a small local establishment , more for dinner than drinking , but there was a bar . A few of the men wanted to dance but neither of my girls wanted to , at least not with them . They had enough strange men touching them to last a lifetime . We did dance together , one at a time though . And yes they were sexy as hell so I did not get to angry at anyone , yet . We walked outside and some fool walked up and pointed a gun at my head and said first he was going to take my money and my life and then he was going to take my women . Why do these idiots talk instead of acting ? His gun was to my head and a fast movement to the side caused his bullet to just graze the side of my head and the second missed me completely . The noise really made it hard to hear but there was nothing wrong with my eyes , other than the muzzle flash and a little powder residue . They struck without making a sound and without warning . I never even saw her move but Grange just reached up and cut his throat and it was so deep I though he was going to lose his head . At the exact same time Cali had hit right under the sternum on his left side and made sure to move the blade back and forth shredding his heart . He fell over backwards with Cali 's blade still sticking out of his chest . We just stood there and watched him bleed out . There was no emotion until they looked at the blood on my head where the bullet grazed me . I just told them it was ok but they were worried . Funny they were worried about a scratch and they had not the slightest feeling for the man they had so expeditiously sent into the afterlife . About that time there were cops everywhere . The first bullet hit a muscle bound drug seller , his thing was steroids , the second hit the undercover cop who was buying the drugs , but he would be ok . All three were in the place we just came from . Everything was now on disk , and after some interviews we were allowed to leave . It felt good to have the police there watching during a drug sting and then you had police as friendly witnesses . Don 't get me wrong , they took their time with us , but eventually we were allowed to go . It was time for a trip that is for sure . With two more dead bodies and this time cops for witnesses in our favor it was time to get out of dodge . We headed for the ship and the safety of the seas and a foreign port . It was not the best cabins on the ship but they were nice and only five thousand per person for what they call an ocean view . What we really wanted was to do nothing but lay around and love each other . When we got on board the bags were put into our cabin and Cali and Grange were anxious to explore the ship . So they and I went for a first walk , two lovers and their man . They turned the corner and ran into her . " Hello Johnnie , how have you been doing ? " she asked him . He did not reply , and his anger was evident . She was five foot two , with long blond hair , blue eyes , and she was buxom and curvy . She had a cruel little smile on her face and some ape on her arm . She took at look at Cali and Grange and said " Still fucking skanks I see . " " Oh Johnnie , there is no need to be angry after all this time " and she reached over to stroke my face . It was almost like she heard growling and she pulled her hand back quickly . John had felt both his girls go into attack mode but he held them back by holding their hands tight and at his side . They were protective and now the blond knew it too . John already knew how protective they could be . " Fuck no you slut . You 're not good enough for them to piss on you if you were on fire . " He was obviously not pleased with her . " Since Johnnie does not appear to have picked up any manners I will have to do it myself , I 'm Jesse , his wife . " " Still haven 't divorced me you lying bitch ? " John asked . " Johnnie , I can 't do that , until death us do part , that was what we swore , not to mention that terms of the trust . No divorce . " Jesse replied . For a second he remembered back , but even though only a second , it was years to him . Every day passed through his mind , every stinking God Damn day . He was only 18 and newly married to Jesse , the hottest girl in his school . They had just graduated and gotten married . Everyone was surprised because he was such a nice sweet guy , and he never raised his voice and never had a fight . He was the typical " nice guy . " Jesse was the hottest action in school . She had more sex by the time she got married than many men had their entire life . One day John came home and Jesse , not even married to him for a year , was fucking some guy in the den . Neither one of them saw him enter . He was in shock and went over to the fireplace and picked up a brass poker . When the man said he was going to cum he had his back to John and Jesse had her eyes closed . She told him to " Knock me up " and John swung in a downward motion , hitting the man on the top of his head and literally splitting it in two , like a ripe melon . The man fell back and his cock pulled out of her as he fell backwards and it was still spitting cum all over Jesse even though he was dead . She opened her eyes and saw John there and the man dead . John remembered thinking , " Wow , I guess brass weapons , even before the Iron Age , could do some real damage , I just cut his head in two . " John went for a life on the run , he had killed the man . Jesse called 911 she was freaked but her action probably saved John 's life . She did not clean anything up and the police documented the cum and the fact they had been having sex when he was killed . The blood spatter proved that . John was on the run for two years and was finally arrested when they found him in an alley , hiding from reality , riding the dragon . They detoxified him cold turkey and two weeks later he was ready to enter a plea to first degree murder . Jesse testified that John appeared to be clear headed and thinking about what he was doing and she told him " no " and " not to do it . " It was a lie of course . If he got the death penalty the money was hers . The jury looked at the evidence and hated Jesse but convicted John of voluntary manslaughter . He was sentenced to ten years but only did seven and three on parole . Only seven , yea right . He remembers his father there when he was sentenced . The fucking asshole actually smiled at him getting ten years . His cell mate became a surrogate father to him . How you wonder ? He had him beat up every day for the first year . John had no option other than learn how to fight . If John did not leave the cell , Mason , his cell mate , would just have people come in and beat him . It took two years before he could walk any were in the yard and not fear anyone . He did not start fights , but he would never walk away from one . He minded his own business , but once or twice did kick some ass to save some kid from more than just an ass kicking . For some inmates a new young punk and his virgin asshole are as close as he was ever going to get to a woman . No one ever tried to fuck John but they did beat the shit out of him . By the time he got out of jail he was a hard man and protected himself by hurting other men , men who were just as hard as him . Mason was a lifer and told him how to live . " Don 't try to talk your way out of anything , talking gives the other guy time to think and plan . Decide what you want and just do it . If it is important enough to do it , then do everything and anything to get it done . If you can 't commit to doing it that way , it is not worth the bother , walk away . " John lived that way . He had done that with Cali and Grange . He had killed and did not even think about it once he made up his mind . He had done the right thing for them . The only thinking was in the heat of killing , who to kill first and how . Once his parole was up he was on his way into the dark underground world that swirled around him and others like him . The vortex was drawing him in , he was comfortable there . They make up an entire society , one that no one ever sees ; people that are not on any census unless it is as prisoners . Just before he left he got a " Certificate of Rehabilitation " from the office of the Governor . A year later he got a " Pardon " and " Restoration of Civil Rights " notice . The really strange thing is no one knew where he was , but they arrived at his door by messenger . Mason was the father he never had . The man who told him how to live in a world were there were bad people who did bad things . John was as bad as they were and capable of being cruel if he had to be . But deep down John never wanted to hurt people , and every time he had hurt someone , they deserved it . Three bikers raping a girl in the country ; a pimp keeping a young girl working the streets ; those were evil people and he did not even think twice about killing them . Her voice broke through his thoughts . " Been teaching your , - - friends - - what you learned in prison ? " Jesse asked . When she said it , murder came to his mind and to the minds of Cali and Grange too . He had learned to kill without remorse in prison and he had killed for them ; to protect them . He had killed in uncontrolled anger when he found the man fucking Jesse , but for them , for Cali and Grange he killed with purpose . We walked away without saying anything more to Jesse . I had a lot of explaining to do and the girls listened to my story . It gave them a lot of insight about me , especially my seven years in prison . " I thought I recognized the tears " Cali said . It was not long before we met " mother . " Actually it was more like we were summoned to her presence by her maid . We went together into her royal presence in her private suite , not even the captain entered without an invitation . " So these are your new friends " she said extending her hand first to Cali and then to Grange . " I am so pleased to meet you , please call me Ruth or better yet , Mother . I think I would like that best . Have a seat would you like something to drink ? " Funny that she did not approach me for even a hug and not even a hello . " No baby , he smiled at you , not laughed . He was upset that you got all that time , but he was so proud of you , but you would never talk to him . He was proud you became a man and stood up to that bitch you married . He was proud the way you took your sentence , without a tear or fear . He was even proud the way you wanted to do it alone . He hoped Mason would help you some , and it looks like he did . " His mother finished and just looked at Johnston . She was the only person to call him that . Then Ruth started to talk with Cali and Grange . " Still using Wuthering Heights for things I see . He almost had the damn book memorized , I just hope he would not end up like Heathcliff did and looking at you two , there is not a chance in hell of that . " She said to Cali and Grange . Ruth could tell they had a hard time understanding how she knew about them . " I have been watching him for years , and when his father was alive he did too . That also means I have been watching you too . " " Johnston , Mason helped you because when he was first in prison he had someone who looked out for him , your father was that person . You didn 't know that did you ? That you father went to prison . Your father did ten years for murder , he killed his wife 's lover " she said with a smile . " I am his second wife , your father was my only lover and my only husband , but I would have been satisfied even if it was only as his lover . " With that I was escorted to the door ; I had been dismissed . Women , shit , I hope when I come back there are still three alive in there ; someone could get eaten . I knew what my girls could and would do to protect me and I was hoping that Mother did not make any sudden moves . I was standing at the fantail when I felt a presence ; it was Cali and Grange . The both hugged and kissed me . It had been four hours and I missed them both . They both said that they just loved my mother . No one ever loved my mother except my father and me , so that was pretty strange . Others respected her and feared her but love ? We finished our walk around the ship and found all the decks and places where we could go . Mother had given us special passes which would allow us to be anywhere on the ship and just sign for it . What the hell if it made Cali and Grange happy then I was all for it . It was during this time that I told them about my trust fund and explained that was how I could buy everything we wanted , even though we did not go nuts with it . I also told them about the divorce provision , no divorce ever . Whoever filed for divorce lost the money and the non filing spouse got it all . A few days passed and Jesse went nuts wherever the girls were around . She would walk out by the pool and the men would stop and look at her , she loved it , she lived for it . But the minute Cali , and Grange showed up she was forgotten and the men had to straighten their bathing suits . They wore thongs and a few patches of cloth and not much else . They wanted those bright tattoos to show off . I put lots of sun screen on them first . |
Well , I 've been tagged by my Stepmom in this little photo game . You are supposed to go to your sixth photo file and post your sixth photo from that file , telling all about it . First I went to Picasa , but my sixth folder in there was from Halloween , and each of my kids was looking sideways . Then I went to the bottom and counted up . Not much better . So I decided to go to my other picture folder , the one in Windows . I accidentally went to my fifth photo file , and didn 't like number six , so I decided to go with number five , but when I uploaded it , it turned out to be this picture , which is actually the sixth folder and sixth picture . I give up . Here it is . I have no specific memories of this picture , but I have many specific memories of this child . She is my last baby . I 'm crazy about her . She was grumpy to me when she was little , which she still is , really . Little , not grumpy . But now she tells me things . Like she wants a doll , a big girl doll , that talks , with a button . And a bus . A school bus ? No . A bus that drives . I am going to remember this girl as permanently having her hair in her eyes , except for the first twenty minutes of the day , and maybe several three - minute periods throughout the day after I reclip her hair back . She is very into dressing herself lately . Yesterday she had her underwear on backwards , her shirt on backwards , and her shoes on the wrong feet . But don 't worry . The shoes don 't last . Or the socks . Or the shirt , for that matter . She likes being naked . She likes to tromp in the snow . It 's irresistable . There before her lies the scooped sidewalks , but she veers over to the small mountain ( yes , it is a mountain here ) and clomps all over it . We are trying to wear only snow boots outside now . We saw a brand new baby in church on Sunday . She wanted to go get a closer look , and we stood there , amidst the crowd of others oohing and aahing over this sweet days - old little girl , and she said , " Is that the baby Jesus ? " She seemed a little disappointed , like it wasn 't what she had expected . Those are my randoPosted by It is so quiet around our house this morning . Everyone is sleeping but me . Gertie came into our room at 6 a . m . telling us that it was morning , " Grace said it was . " I think she slept with Grace last night . Lately , she 's been sneaking out of her bed into one of her siblings ' beds after we put her down . I have even started reminding her when I leave that I want her to stay in her own bed , and she says she will , but then she must change her mind . I guess I don 't mind horribly if they don 't mind . But I don 't like that it 's sneaky , if it is . Grace spend the last three days at a place called Eagle Bluff . It is an environmental learning center . Outside . In December . It is something that the whole pile of 7th graders get to do in this town . They are outside for stretches of 3 hours at a time . She said she stayed warm and learned a few things . She was so tired when she came home that I haven 't heard much about it . I heard about a tiff and drama between her bunkmates , but that was it . Oh , and that they were trying not to waste food , and it was sort of a contest . The kids got into it . They were trading food and eating other 's leftovers so they wouldn 't waste more than they had . Grace said her group did very will , with only 7 1 / 2 pounds of wasted food for the three days . I don 't know how many were in the group , and I know that the syrup on the pancakes killed them in the end . I know if I added up the weight of the wasted syrup around my house I could feed many hungry . They might get sick eating all that syrup , though . My kids eat almost nothing I prepare at our house , and they are way too picky about what John prepares . I think we should try this experiment at home . Maybe they 'd get into the challenge and EAT . What we fix . Gertie ate some sugary cereal yesterday . Gobbled it up . Asked for more . As soon as I dumped more into her bowl she declared , " I don 't like this . " And she pushed it away . What is that ? I hate that . And she can 't seem to leave anything she doesn 't care to eat on her plate . I remember the others being that wayPosted by Well , that wasn 't very nice , was it . I wanted you all to come back , and my intentions were pure , but I have just been spending every waking free moment working on a big trial transcript that I want to get out before Christmas . Anyway , I 'm done with the biggest task , now I just have to proofread it , and enter my corrections . I 'm feeling pretty good about that . And since Christmas is fast approaching , I need to finish with Thanksgiving . I just found out this year about a sort of hometown kickoff to the Christmas season around here . The night after Thanksgiving our small downtown is abuzz with activity . They have a parade ( sort of ) down Main Street to where they light up all the Christmas lights in town for the first time . The local businesses participate with special treats or small giveaways . So we drug Heather and her family downtown , in the freezing cold , to eat some cookies and get the kids pictures taken with Santa and let the kids ride a train . I would say , overall , it was a good time . John thinks we froze out those southern cousins ( Sorry , southern cousins ! ) And this post isn 't all that I imagined it to be , but I need to do some catching up around here . We sat down for a game of Portland in a Box , which was a Christmas gift from Niece Heather many , many years ago . Savannah was excited to play an Oregon game , and it was fun to play with some folks who had actually been to every square on the board . It was a bit slow moving with so many players , but we all had fun . Even Heather . Even in this picture . Savannah had quite a flair for rolling dice . She rolled doubles a lot and really held her own in this mathematically challenging game . This is one of Grace 's artsy pictures . I just like it . And this adorable little child is just too irresistible for the camera . What can I say ? Just plain precious . I think there 's kind of a Brady Bunch thing going on here . Completely unintentional , but how clever . If it had been intentional . And this little guy really liked his turkey pin . And I really like this little guy . Those cousins are fun to be around . Is it time for turkey yet ? Again ? We finally abandoned the game looking just like this . Grace had one property . I had two . Heather wouldn 't trade . Apparently it 's a long - held conviction . Savannah loves her Daddy and gave him whatever he wanted . . . and Ethan started giving away everything he owned as soon as the Playstation started calling his name . And it calls his name , believe me . This has taken me a very long time to download all these pictures and I 'm not even close to done . So this is going to come in parts . That will be good for my blogging habit , and it 's sure to make you check back for more . ( smiley face here ) If you 've seen my youngest lately you probably know that she 's a bit neglected - - in the hair department , I mean . And I 'm coming to the point where I 'm ready to cut her hair . Well , have it cut , I mean . We 're talking about it . Anyway , tonight I thought it was so telling when she sat down with her bag of barrettes and stuck a countless number in her own hair . I really do try to keep the hair out of her eyes , and it never fails that they are always falling out or the hair is falling out of them . I haven 't actually tried this method , though . Maybe I should do that . And please don 't judge on the snotty nose and peanut butter face . That is an entirely different type of neglect ( which I am only sometimes guilty of ) . I should have prepared her for the picture , but you know , sometimes you need to take the moment at exactly the moment it presents itself , or you 'll never capture the moment . I am working on ( in my mind ) a Thanksgiving post , but it will have to be bigger . Grace took 90 pictures and 53 of them were good ones ! I need to try to choose and post . Big post to come . I just said , " I like you , " to Gertie . She replied , " I can 't say , ' I like you , ' because I have tea in my mouth . " She had just taken a drink of tea . She cracks me up . We had a high school friend die in a hunting accident last week . His friend was getting out of the truck and the gun accidentally went off , shooting Lanny , who bled to death . He was in John 's class and had helped us buy a few cars over the years . He sold cars . One was a cute little Mazda 323 turbo . I really did like that little car . His wife was my best friend in the whole wide world when I was in middle school . She lived just a couple blocks down our street , which was the highway . We called each other every day many , many times . We had sleepovers . We coordinated our clothes that we 'd wear to school . This was in the days of leg warmers . Should we wear the blue polo and the red leg warmers or the red polo and the white leg warmers ? We babysat and dearly loved the Martin family girls for years together . They had Mandy , then twins , Katie and Kyla , and then Mara . While they were very young , they needed two sitters , but after a couple years , one of us could handle it , really . They gave us the option : We could take turns or stick together and each be paid half . We mulled it over ( not for long ) and decided to babysit for 50 cents an hour so we could keep doing it together . Boy , we loved those kids . Anyway , it was a very sad occasion , and John and I both wanted to be there , so we began scrambling to make that happen . My friend Brenda agreed to take the big kids , including carting them all over high heaven to get them where they needed to be when they needed to be there . She bought a birthday present for Ethan 's little friend 's party that I forgot about . She is a saint . The previous owners of our dog took her in . They do that when they can . They are saints . We took Gertie with us . She 's a saint . . . well , not quite . She did a great job at the funeral , though , until she got hot . She had been very fidgety , but quiet for the most part . Until she got hot . Then she said inPosted by We had our first snow this last week . It was actually beautiful , making the trees georgous and big , fat flakes . I always love fresh snow , and this was perfect , melting as it hit the sidewalks and roads . When it piles up and has to be shoveled and plowed it turns dirty and is much less appealing to the eye . Gertie made a few snowballs . It was fun . Ethan is so pleased with this Lego tower he made . Can you all read it ? I don 't recall what the message was referring to , but the consequences of your choice certainly are severe ! Then we had Ethan 's birthday party . We played a game called " Straight Face " where one person tried to crack the rest up , as they were desperately trying to break a smile . Grace made us smile . How can you not ? These are some ten - year - old boys doing what ten - year - old boys do . I said I wanted to take their picture , so the all simultaneously picked their noses . Lovely . I tried to throw this party together on very short notice , and I think they had fun . Grace , my hero , helped me wrap gifts and bake and decorate a cake , and set this birthday table . I really felt like I couldn 't have done it without her . Gertie is sick , and she was yesterday for the party as well . We hated to cancel , and she wasn 't coughing too badly , so we decided to segregate her and go ahead as planned . It all worked out because she slept through the whole commotion . But I wouln 't describe last night as going so well . She was up frequently . She was so hot . She was crying and needed me to be sleeping with her . She needed a drink . She needed to me hold her . She needed me to not touch her . At one point she said , " I don 't want your jammies . " I thought , " Well , that 's fine . You don 't have to wear them . " Then she said , " No . It 's . . . it 's . . . it 's . . . it 's fuzzy . I don 't like them . It 's fuzzy and you have to take them off . It 's fuzzy and I don 't like them and you have to take them off . " Apparently the same thing I love about my pajamas is the same thing she hates about them . They had to go . I 'm hoping for a better night tonight . You know , my own bePosted by We are driving home from dropping my basketball star off at practice number two this morning and Gertie finds a loose packet of Skittles in the car . She starts telling me how she wants to eat them . I tell her no . She starts crying that she wants to eat them . I tell her no . She starts screaming that she wants to eat them . I tell her no . And then . . . Me : Your attitude is very stinky right now . Gertie : Stinky , what does that mean ? Me : Bad . Your attitude is very bad . It 's a no - no . Gertie : You mean my attitude is bad and it 's stinky ? Me : Yes , that 's right . Gertie : Well , I don 't even understand what that means ! Don 't you love that ? Oh , isn 't Halloween fun ? I was just feeling a bit blah yesterday , which is too bad , but that 's the way it happens sometimes . After I ironed 6000 shirts for John , I laid down on the bed and started to read Water for Elephants , which I am really enjoying so far . My sweet husband took over and roasted the pumpkin seeds from the pumpkin carving yesterday . He even delivered me some in bed . We always roast them , and I always don 't like them very much . But it 's a tradition , right . I recruited Grace to help Ethan with the French hobo costume , which I don 't think my son had given a bit of thought to . She was all over that , though . She found some older pants and destroyed them , same with a shirt . I finally came downstairs and Ethan just looked like a kid with torn up and dirty clothes . It was the face paint that did the trick . I thought he was actually pretty cute . Gertie decided to go with the Tinkerbell costume , over the bumble bee . That suited me just fine . Our sitter and friend had donated those costumes for her , and nothing could have been easier . She woke up from her nap on the crabbier side yesterday , so it was a bit of a challenge getting her into the costume and out the door , but we finally got it . Grace had asked to go trick - or - treating with her friend across town . Both John and I were disappointed to lose her , but I guess we both understood and remember being that age and wanting to go off with your friends . I took Gertie and Ethan with me to drop Grace off , and figured that could be our trial trick or treat . Gertie said trick or treat , but it was below a whisper . She didnt ' hold her bag open , she just stared at the big girls and the rest of the family . And with some prompting she said thank you . This could be interesting . . . We decided to hit our old neighborhood first , because if Gertie pooped out , Ethan could still go around our neighborhood a bit . The first house we went to there was a woman all dressed up with pink spiky hair and pink and silver sparkly stars painted all over her face dishing out the candy . GertiePosted by Gertie is killing me this morning . She 's got a sliver , which she is obsessing about all the time . It hurts , but she doesn 't want me to touch it . Every once in a while she approaches me and says , " Mommy , don 't take my slither out yet . " He He He . Halloween is tomorrow . I think we will finally carve a pumpkin this afternoon . The weather is beautiful here , and I hope it stays that way . Gertie is a trick - or - treater in training . She 's been eagerly anticipating knocking on doors and being handed a piece of candy after she says , " Trick or treat ! " And she tells me many times about how she 's going to look them in the eye and say , " Thank you . " Grace is going to be wearing the Alice in Wonderland costume that we paid nearly $ 20 for at Walmart so she could wear it in the school play in a couple weeks . At least her costume is covered . She is on the border of being too old for trick or treating . She informed me a couple weeks ago that if she did go trick or treating , she 'd rather John and I didn 't go , but that she just take Gertie and Ethan herself . That way she 'd feel more comfortable knocking on doors and begging for candy . Ethan has been telling me he 's going as a French hobo . I am still wondering what difference there is between a French hobo , and just a hobo , but I guess we 'll see . I 'm not expecting much . My Dad was here to see us last week and I have not even one picture from the visit . Very disappointing . We had a good time together all the way around . He helped me take care of some unpleasant errands and shook his head as he opened our van 's hatchback . Let 's just say we haven 't vacuumed the van out in a while , and it needed it . He did that for us , he gassed us up . He bought fish for Ethan , which Ethan noticed right away when he came home from school . It was a good time . The days are just whizzing by around here . Tonight John and I have our small group , which is new . I am looking very forward to that . John finally ordered and received a new turntable to play his vinyl on . That is what I wanted to get him back on September 4th , his birthday , but I was hesitant to pick one out . I asked him to do it , and he was slow to make a decision . But now he 's got one , it 's hooked up and spinning often . We all like it . And Gertie has just been a kick lately . She has got the funniePosted by Oh , it 's been so long since my last post . It seems like just a few days ago . Things have been going well for us around here . I just really do like this life . The Phillies are in the world series this year . That is John 's favorite team . He 's been loyal to them since he was just a little guy . I remember when we were early married they made it to the world series and won . But that was a long time ago . We are rooting for them big time in this house . Ethan has just finished doing his homework tonight and it is shortly after 9 p . m . He had church tonight , and we decided to let him go even though that homework wasn 't done . I 'm really not sure what to do with days like this . He was feeling pretty overwhelmed and on the verge of a meltdown . I knew he 'd be up late , but I also thought he needed a break . I really think he has a hard time staying focused on schoolwork sometimes after a long day . He had spelling , math ( tons of it ) and social studies and reading . That 's a big load . We settled on doing the social studies during the lunch hour tomorrow and tackling the rest tonight . I was just finishing getting Gertie into bed , way too late , by the way , but she had church too . Anyway , Ethan wanders up with a big smile and a ho - ho in one hand and a fist - full of peanuts in the other . Oh , my word . He was so glad to be finished . Conquerer . I just love that boy . But he 's got to get organized . . . . I don 't know if I hit the nail on the head with the low blood sugar , but I 've been trying to make sure Gertie has a bit in her belly before each nap and so far , so good . We 've had a good week , and I 'm enjoying that girl . The other day I was snuggling Ethan ( yes , he still likes to snuggle ) and Gertie was jealous . I was telling her it was his turn . She could join us , but I wasn 't ousting him . She really wanted me to herself . She fussed , and then cried , and then gave up on that . After a bit she said to Ethan , " I know , Brother , you can go over on the couch and I 'll have this side of Mom . " She was proposing it like it was a great deal for him . He didPosted by We 've been busy around here . Last weekend I offered to go get John 's mom for a visit . John had been planning on making the drive , but he was having a hard time getting up the gumption to get going . I thought a bit of peace ( even though it 's staring down a long straight stretch of interstate ) and a good book on tape sounded pretty good to me . I drove to SD on Saturday and back on Sunday . I worked on Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning . Football was canceled due to an extremely wet Tuesday around here . Gertie and I had Bible study yesterday morning and then Marge and I headed out to Target while Gertie napped in the afternoon . We had a long good time shopping without distractions and came home to a slightly grumpy husband who thought we were a little out of control . Gertie has been up and down on waking up from her naps in fits . The other day I received an e - mail from a friend seeking help about a kindergartener waking in the night upset and afraid . Unfortunately I had no sage advice for her , but it did spark the idea that there are other people out in the world who may have my problems . I just googled something like " toddler wakes up screaming from nap " and found a few sites of parents having the exact same problem with their little ones . It sounded almost exactly the same , just irrational , inconsoleable crying that lasts about thirty minutes . Do you know what advice they were being given ? That it might be low blood sugar . Wow . That was a new idea to me . It makes them behave that way . They suggested making sure that you feed them some good protien before they nap . I think there might be something to this for my Gertie . We try to nap her around one , but depending on what 's been going on , sometimes it itsn 't until three or so . At one o ' clock she 's just eaten lunch , but at three , it 's been a while . I don 't recall any pattern , but now I 'll be looking for it . Yesterday she was down early after a good lunch and she woke up in a great mood . We 've had a good couple of days . She is certainly headstrong , and likes to do heIt is homecoming week for the university in our old hometown . We like to go to that if we can , and I guess we can . So we are headed out again this weekend . We always have a great time and see some familiar faces . We had a homecoming parade here for the high school and lots of kids threw candy . Gertie keeps talking about the kids that threw candy at her . She wants to eat it . I guess when I write that , it doesn 't sound so odd . When she says it , it makes it sound like they assailed her ( but she liked it ) . It 's raining candy . Can 't beat that . Ethan has football tonight , and I 'm really hoping John 's mom will join us for the " fun . " It 's hard to get her out . She just doesn 't enjoy it much , but we like having her around . These are a bit old , but a couple - - and actually the only - - pictures I took of the weekend I spent with my girlfriends a couple weeks ago . They are my oldest friends and I love these pictures . Also , the last picture of Gertie was actually my attempt at posting a video . I 'm having a heck of a time , but I am determined . I will get it on here . It 's probably too long . . . It 's been a very busy , but very pleasant day so far . Gertie and I had a grooming morning , clipping toenails and cleaning ears . Her nails had been long neglected . I don 't love grooming . I actually don 't hate it either . I just don 't seem to take the time to do it often enough . Then we headed out to the Nature Center here in town again for another walk with some friends . That was just plain enjoyable . I can 't tell you how much my soul hungers for that connection with others . I love conversation and discussion , and I just can 't seem to get enough lately . Good days . Gertie had a great time getting absolutely filthy exploring the creek and the bugs and the sticks and such . I was thrilled to watch her digging about . The Nature Center is a museum - type place with lots of stuffed birds and smaller animals , as well as skins and bones and antlers of various animals . They have a snake and a bee hive and a few salamanders as well . It is small , but fun for kids to explore . And then the bulk of the excitement revolves around a wooded area with paths and a creek running through it . It 's got prairie and just lots of nature to explore . She didn 't want to go home , and when we couldn 't check out the snake ( that lives safely inside a big glass box ) because they were closed over the lunch hour , she was quite upset and crying . We 'll have to go back again soon . Then we met John for lunch and I raced Gertie home for a quick nap before we begin the race that is Tuesdays at our house . I am really wanting to get a video of Gertie ( and maybe the kids that don 't change quite so quickly as well ) . I promise to do that soon . I am working the rest of this week . . . I 'm very tired and I 'm not doing the math , but I think it 's been two nap days since that post and both awakenings have gone very well . Yesterday I was gone , and John said there was minimal fussing because I was gone , but there were no tantrums and all went well . Today , again I was gone , but she wandered downstairs and was in a great mood . Everybody cheered her on and made a big , big deal about how nice it was that she was so happy when she woke up . I just can 't believe that once I finally put this out for all to see she does a 180 . Thanks for prayers . God is good , good , good . Even to me ! Gertie continues to wake up from EVERY nap screaming and crying . She is irrational and uncooperative . I just don 't know if I can put on paper ( or , uh , the internet ) how incredibly frustrating and exhausting this is . Today : Wakes up screaming for Mom . John goes up and she 'll have nothing to do with him as he tries to bring her downstairs , calm her down , but evenutally gives up , leaving her screaming in her room . John and I are just discussing what to do because this is becoming an ugly routine . She starts screaming for Dad . He goes and brings her down , telling me that she 's going to calm down . Her face is blotchy and red , she can 't regulate her breathing yet , and she clings to me , still whimpering . I sing a bit to her , and she tells me , don 't say that . I ask her if she 'd like something to eat . She starts crying . She 's not hungry . She doesn 't want a banana . She wants a banana . I take her in my arms to get the banana . She wants to peel it like a monkey . Mind you , all of these comments come out in on - the - verge - of hysterics cries . She takes three bites . She doesn 't want any more fruit . I want Cheerios . I place her in her chair to set her up , and she 's still screaming at me . She needs a drink . I 've had it . I take her up to her bed and she screams up there for a few minutes . She tells me she 's going to calm down , so she is allowed to come down . I sit her back in her chair as she whimpers for her drink , then her Cheerios . She eats . She watches Dora . That was ten minutes ago . Now she is cheerfully talking of going to church and how she wants to go to her class . Go figure . And , heeelp meeeee , please . II realize I 've been a little short on pictures lately . These are of the kids playing on the rocking horse we picked up off the curb in front of our neighbors ' house . Have you ever picked up someone 's trash from the curb ? In my part of the country it is kind of an understood thing that if you put something out on the curb you are hoping that someone will consider it a valuable treasure and take it off your hands , that way you don 't have to pay to dispose of it . I think our neighbors have moved by now . There is no car there ever anymore , and for a couple weeks before they moved they were frequently placing things out at the curb . We have another set of neighbors that snatched up most everything , which is just fine with me . But the other night Grace spotted the rocking horse and raced over to check it out . She hollered over to me that it was in good shape , and I hollered back to go ahead and bring it home . Real classy . Now I have a huge rocking horse sitting in my living room . The kids love it . Gertie keeps taking her babies for rides on it . Ethan is a crazy man on it . But what am I going to do with this big rocking horse ? I am thinking after a bit , maybe it will be on my curb . As for other goings ons , we are in the full swing of school . We are all adjusting well to the fall schedule , racing from here to there and there to here . Ethan starts football tomorrow morning , and he 's excited about that . I 've been doing laundry all day . Lots of it . John told me this morning he 's got no clean underwear . Well , now he does . Ethan told me this morning that he was wearing his last clean pair of pants . Not anymore . The kids are on the trampoline , and John has built a bon fire for s ' mores . It is a good family Friday night . ( Except that I 'm in here blogging , but that 's about to change . ) All my chicks are in the nest . As for me , I 'm off to Sioux Falls to visit my girlfriends this weekend . I don 't know what we 're going to fill our time with , but it will most certainly be girly - girl things that our husbands won 't much enjoy doing withPosted by Gertie keeps saying a few things that I want to make sure I write down . I can 't recall if I 've mentioned them before , so sorry if I 'm repeating myself . First is the rhyming . She is rhyming everything . I love you bove you . There is the school pool . I want a cracker tacker . Rhymes everywhere . Then she is telling me I 'm the favorite mom in the whole world . And Dad is the favorite dad in the whole world , and so on . And it seems to be required after she says it that I say it back for her . You are the favorite Gertie in the whole wide world . If I don 't say it back , she repeats it in an angry way until I fall in . The biggest repeater is " Mom , I love you and I don 't want to disobey you . " She says this all the time . All the time . Not after she disobeys me . Just when she 's sitting on your lap or crying because she 's " really sick . " Just a quick post . This morning I got up early with Grace and we ate breakfast on the porch . It was a dark and windy morning , although it has still produced no rain . The kids went to school , first Grace on her bike , then Ethan on the bus . Grace has little lists posted about the house : eat breakfastdon 't forget cello bookgym bagShe is definitely a list maker . She also isn 't very tidy , so I find them laying about . I enjoy them . It is fun to see what is on her mind . She was ready so early , but that was good because she helped me out a bit in packing Ethan 's lunch and got off to school early enough to take care of a few loose ends . Ethan was sluggish . He went to bed early enough , but he 's got a cold , or allergies . I am never quite sure . I almost considered keeping him home . He was planning on riding his bike , and I was going to take Gertie to join him , but Gertie was a sleepy head this morning , so he was faced with a lonely ride to school . At the last minute he opted for the bus . I am glad because I don 't completely trust his ability to not be hit by a car . He watches for traffic 90 % of the time , but every once in a while I catch him dart out into the street without even glancing sideways . We have charted a very low traffic route to school , but one of the streets is now under construction , so he 'd have to take the busier street . It was a good day for the bus . Gertie has had a great morning . She still comes to me occasionally saying that she is really sick or would I love her for a minute , but overall , this morning , she played on her own some , she was happier , she ate well and has been drinking a bit . I was able to get a lot of laundry done , some phone calls ( even a fun one with sister Beth ) and many errands run . We had a good day . I just finished putting scalloped potatoes and ham in the crockpot . Pray for good food . Dinner is usually John 's forte , but he 's working all day in Albert Lea today , and won 't be home in time to fix anything . I thought I could help with this burden . I just don 't cook much , so I haven 't tried this recipe . I 'm sure Posted by If I had read a post like that I 'd be checking in , so I felt I better update . Although , it is Labor Day weekend , so maybe many of you won 't read this until I 've already caught you up . So for my memory bank as well , here is the story : Yesterday when Gertie woke up from her nap John saw a big bright red drip of blood on her lip . We looked in her throat and could see some blood and a big bright red spot in the back of her throat . We knew we 'd need to take her in , but the blood didn 't continue to come out her mouth , and we were trying to determine if we could take her to the urgent care here in town , or head to Mason City where the ENT doctor has his practice . I tried to call the triage nurse , but I got voice mail , so we had decided to just head to Mason City . As we were walking out the door , the nurse from our local hospital called back and assured me that they could determine whether we needed to head down to the ENT or if they could handle it here . So we changed gears and decided to go to the local urgent care . A very long two and a half hours later they told me that I needed to go to Mason City , and would I like to ride in the ambulance or drive myself ? I opted for our own ride , so I collected John and Grace ( Ethan is visiting Cousins Hunter and Tate ) and we drove down to Mason City . Things moved much more quickly while we were there . The doctors made a decision that they 'd like to remove the blood clot and stop the bleeding . Gertie didn 't even cry when they put the IV in her wrist . She is so brave and I am so proud of her . The nurse gave her a bunch of stickers and she immediately stuck them all over her lower arm . They were lots of dime - shaped stickers of the Disney princesses and they were headed in for surgery . John and Grace left for some much needed dinner , as it was 8 : 30 or so by then . I was able to stay with her as we walked toward the operating room , and left her only as they walked her into the operating room doors . When the doctor came out he told me that she is quite a trooper . She did great . They found Posted by Please pray for Gertie . I realize many of you won 't read this in a timely fashion , but I 'm making my pleas . She is in surgery right now because of a blood clot that formed in her throat . The doctor feels that the best thing to do is to remove the clot and cauterize the source of the bleeding . I think we 're looking at an overnight in the hospital again , but I 'm not absolutely sure . Please pray that they easily find the source , that they are able to stop the bleeding , that she tolerates the anesthesia well ( she did great with the tonsillectomy ) , that her mom isn 't overtaken with fear , that we can be a comfort to Gertie as she recovers again . I kept thinking something blogworthy would pop up to post about , but I have nothing , so I 'll post anyway . We are in recovery mode around here . Gertie is doing well in the sense that she 's had no complications . I think her throat hurts quite a bit . She isn 't eating all that well , although , she is eating , so that 's good . But she wants a lot of different things , and tries to eat them , and then decides she 's done after a bite or two . As the enabling parent , my excuse is that I want her to eat something , so I keep it coming . She wants peaches . I get peaches . She eats two bites and then she 's done . Five minutes later she wants pudding . I get pudding . That is a one - bite snack , and then she 's done . First she makes a mess of her face and arms and chair , then she 's done . Then she wants a cheese taco . That she mostly eats . Then she wants a gogurt . Two bites . Then she wants a bagel , but I say no . Then she wants a bowl of Kix . Again , I say no . I 'm ready for bed . Time for bed . And when it comes to drinks it 's almost just as comical . Again , because I 'm trying to get her to drink a quart of liquid a day ( and she 's not doing it ) I keep the fluids coming . The last few days she carries around a chocolate milk and a juice and sometimes a water . When she snuggles with me - - which is almost all the time - - she needs both drinks , both in her lap . Of course , she rarely takes a drink from either of them , but she needs them close . In her lap . What she does like is popsicles . She eats them in the morning , afternoon and evening , one after the other . She is whining again an awful lot . I feel bad because I know she isn 't feeling well . She tells me many times in the day that she isn 't doing very well . She comes to me often and says , " Will you love me for a minute ? " So I feel sorry for her and I 've had many adults tell me they had their tonsils out and they remember it , either from being an older child or even an adult , and it really hurts and it takes a long time to heal up . So I am creating many , many bad habits that I 'm praying we are able to breakPosted by My prayers were answered , and Gertie 's surgery went very well . She was scared when they carried her off . I had prepared her for them rolling her away on a little bed , and she many times was telling Dad and me the story of how the people in masks and hats are going to come in and roll her away on a bed . But when the time came , they just took her from my arms . They were in scrubs , but most of them didn 't wear masks , only hats . They said it would take about 45 minutes . I felt like that time flew by . I don 't think it could have taken that long . The surgeon said that her tonsils were pretty big , and her adenoids not as big , but the surgery went well and she 's waiting in recovery . She 'll probably be in there for about an hour . They 'll come get you . It must have been about 20 minutes later that they said she was asking for me . And it was a long walk through the halls until I reached her . When I saw her she was kind of sleeping and little bottom lip was sticking like she was sad ( because she was ) . I climbed into bed with her and she cried for a minute , and then she 'd fall back asleep and then wake up and grab me as she cried out . That went on for a bit and then they wheeled us up to the hospital room . She had no vomiting or nausea that we could tell . She drank right away and ate popsicles . At lunch time they brought her a clear liquid diet of jello , broth and juice . She ravenously went at all of it . Just one bite after another . She said , " Something else . " Grace and Ethan were in the hospital room by the time Gertie and I arrived . Grace really wanted to be there , so John had dropped them off on his way to work . They both did really really well in the room . Gertie didn 't seem to want their hugs or affections for the most part . She just wanted mom . That made both of them a bit sad , but I told them not to take it personally . Ethan was going a little stir crazy after a bit . He was tossing the stuffed elephant around and stuffing his arms and legs and trunk into his body . That made Gertie mad . Lots of things he was doing were makPosted by Last night Gertie and I were reading before bedtime . She had chosen this book that a college student of John 's had given to Grace . It shows pictures of so many different things and gives the French word as well as the English . Anyway , we came upon a picture of a hamburger and I asked Gertie what that was . She immediately said , " That 's a crabby pattie ! " Some of you may not be surprised . Some of you may know that that is a common term from Sponge Bob Square Pants . But I just couldn 't believe that my daughter identifies a burger by relating it to a Sponge Bob prop . I did wonder if she 'd know what a burger was . We do eat them - - a lot - - in the summer , but we just cut up a few burger bites for her with no bun , so I wasn 't sure we 'd ever called them hamburgers to her . It struck me that my older kids , when they were younger , would have had no clue about crabby patties . I turned my nose up at Sponge Bob and we didn 't watch it . But now Gertie knows the Simpsons and Sponge Bob and many other things that aren 't appropriate for her . And the worst offender is John . I think he prefers Sponge Bob to Dora , and he definitely prefers the Simpsons to Little Einsteins . There is no hope for me ! And in other happenings , both John and Grace are sick now . The bug has made it 's way to everyone except me . Please don 't find me . I have a call into the doctor to make sure we should still be going forth with surgery in the morning with the bug floating around our home . Gertie is feeling fine , and this bug started with her . She 's long over it . And the nurse just called . We 're good to go . Bright and early . . . Once again , I find myself putting this off . I 'm not sure why . I think maybe it 's just too much to say . We had a very fun family vacation : Chapter 1 : Work Before PlayWe decided to head over to John 's Mom 's house for the first leg of our trip instead of the end . She was having a garage sale and it was one week to moving day . I was very concerned about arriving with three kids and being " helpful , " but it all worked out . John was able to accomplish a few tasks that she wanted done around the house . I helped pack up the rest of the kitchen and haul some things over to the apartment . The apartment is really nice . It is big and clean and new and nicely laid out . I think she 'll fit nicely in there , and the laundry and mail are close to her apartment . She is excited about settling in . Her sale went very well , and she got rid of most of the bigger things . Some of the smaller nick - knacks and dishes and things didn 't sell , but those were and easy trip to the good will , I believe . What didn 't sell , we stuck out on the curb and prayed somebody would come along and take it . They did . All of it . Marge 's sister Susie and her husband Larry ran the sale , they did a good job and stuck it out until the end . I talked to Marge a few days before her move and she told me that her house sold . Apparently a woman of about 70 years old and her son have been looking for a home . They showed up at an open house that Marge 's realtor was giving for another home . They started talking and telling her what they were looking for , and she thought Marge 's house was perfect . They looked at it and made an offer . Things are falling into place beautifully and Marge feels the hand of her Savior over the whole situation . Chapter 2 : All Work and No Play Makes John a Dull BoyWhen we left South Dakota we headed down to Omaha to the Henry Dorley Zoo . This has been a favorite place for us for several years , and I have to say , this year was definitely no letdown . Gertie has reached the perfect age to be so excited about all the animals , and the big kids ( and the biggPosted by John came home from his mother 's house yesterday . It is so good to have him home again . We really missed him . Gertie bumped into a drawer last night and started crying , I walked over to comfort her and she just shoved me aside and ran to Dad . She missed those strong arms too ! He brought a van full of stuff from Marge 's , which we 've been tackling today . The one I want to talk about is a new bed for Gertie . We took the crib down this morning and set up the new bed , rearranged the room a few times , and finally settled on a placement . Gertie was excited as we made the bed up , but then we went down to eat lunch . I 've been trying to restore order to the house ( which sometimes seems to create chaos first ) by settling so many things John brought back into their homes . Pretty soon I noticed that Gertie was nowhere to be found . That can 't be good . That just doesn 't happen with her . She doesn 't get into too much trouble that way because she seems to really like the company of others more than she likes exploring . But still , I was a bit concerned . Then I found her asleep in her new bed . I had been sorting some clothes and reorganizing , and I had left a small pile on her bed of things that needed to be hung up . She found them , and dressed herself up before she fell asleep . I am so excited that she likes that new bed so much ! I am hoping that it will go okay , this transition between crib and bed . I remember Ethan just didn 't understand he could leave his bed for the longest time . When he 'd wake up , he 'd yell out , " Mom , I 'm awake . " I never really clued him in because I was afraid he 'd start getting up whenever he wanted to . Hopefully Gertie will be so cooperative . In other news , Ethan had lost his retainer on Thursday night . We looked everywhere and couldn 't find it . He 's been incredibly faithful with that thing , and I figured it must be here somewhere . I kept trying to get him to retrace his steps , to think back to the last place he had it and he had nothing to offer : Mom : Where did you put it when you took it off ? Ethan : ( absolutelyPosted by Hey ! It 's been a while . I thought i 'd talk mostly . I haven 't taken pictures in forever . To start my week . . . i babysat the Moreland kids on Monday . we had good fun , except the 0 . 7 mile walk to Ellis and back ( Ellis is the middle school I attend which serves free lunches to kids under 18 ) . did i mention me and Ethan had to switch between a wagon with a 22 lb . Toddler and a 5 year old , and a stroller with a 30 lb toddler uphill ? On the upside . . . we saw two baby racoons on a driveway and stood to watch them for about 3 min . that was cool . Tuesday i had a cello lesson at 9 : 00 am , but other than that i relaxed . Wednesday I watched the kids again , and a little later i went to the doctor . 3 shots . OUCH ! ! Only one hurt later though . It got swollen and sore with a slight redness on friday , but it 's normal again now . Thursday i was planning to go to work with mom . . . but as you know she finished early so i couldn 't . I watched Gertie while she went and cleaned her office . Then we relaxed . Friday the kids came again . in the afternoon we went to the pool in a nearby town ( much more little kid friendly than our pools ) And then immeadiatly when we got home i head off to a one night work and fun camp . Basically , we had some fun friday night and roasted marshmellows . However I was up till midnight and got up at 7 : 00 . Then i helped haul some tables and cleaned some garbage cans and a fridge . Then I weeded untill lunch then after lunch for a total of 4 and a half hours of weeding . Then we walked down a river and found a mailbox , and a TV . Adriel ( going into her Senior year of college ) decided to try some raw clam meat somebody found . I don 't even want to talk about it . finally we went on a climbing wall and a zipline . Lots of fun but the harness was very uncomfortable . When I got home I was SO TIRED ! ! ! but now , i 'm just kinda chillin . Sorry no pictures . I was very busy as you can see . At the end of school last year Ethan brought home a little cabbage plant in a styrofoam cup . He had a sheet of paper that explained that if he grows this cabbage and takes a picture of it when it 's all grown up , he 'll be put in a drawing for a $ 1000 prize . I don 't think it necessarily has to be the best cabbage or the biggest cabbage . It is just a completed and good - looking cabbage . We cut it this morning . It is huge . It is 11 pounds ! Really , I 'm not the master gardener . I don 't quite know how many of the leaves to peel off before we get to the real head . His may be smaller if I knew that . It 's very oval shaped . Now what do I do with this cabbage ? If anyone has any recipe ideas , please let me know . The gal that cuts my hair said she stir fries it . That doesn 't sound too bad , but I already can 't remember what she stir fried it with . And this is my little cabbage . She didn 't want to be left out . I am done working ! We had a jury trial scheduled for the rest of this week , but the guy decided to plead guilty , so now I 'm home again . Yippeee . I found this out yesterday , so I raced home and took Grace to the doctor . She had to get shots . Then this morning I needed to go back to tie up loose ends and gather my things . I left home , and as I was driving they were talking about a very bad storm heading our way . The kids were by themselves for just a couple hours until the sitter would arrive . I was worried about them and called home as soon as I got to work . It all worked out , and the storm wasn 't too terribly bad where we are . We had a good day , and ended it with a swim in the pool and movie afterward . It was fun . Gertie went to bed well . She is getting her tonsils taken out on the 21st of this month . They really don 't look good , and I thought the ENT might recommend this , and he did . They want to keep her in the hospital overnight since she 's so young , but it 's pretty routine . I 'm trying to be a big girl about the whole thing . I can do this . John is at his mom 's house trying to help her prepare to move . I miss him . I 'm sleepy and I need sleep . ZZZzzzzz . . . . I 've been having a hard time with this Blogger . I don 't know if it 's Blogger , or it 's me . It 's probably me . But I was posting pictures , and they were showing up and looking fine , and then I 'd go back later and they 'd be gone . And then I was having a hard time uploading pictures into Blogger . This morning I finally got it all straightened out , but if you 've checked in in the last couple days , please go back and look at my pictures to make sure you saw all I wanted you to see . I 'd hate to have you miss out on some really cute kids . Can you tell I 'm in a collage sort of mood ? Ethan 's baseball season came to an end this week . I love watching that kid play . And these are some memories . |
It 's crazy to think how much can change in a month . Almost one month ago on September 22 , I went through a full day of work with no breaks other than lunch due to my prep - less Thursday schedule . I drove home immediately after dismissal so I could have some time to myself before heading back for a school event at night . Then I returned to work and spent another two hours at work in the evening for Back to School Night speaking to parents about the plans for the upcoming year for math , English , and science . The reason for all of the changes is because of what happened that next Friday morning on September 23 at 3AM . It was by far the most terrifying and most traumatic experience I have ever lived through in my entire life . I was sleeping on the couch in the baby 's room because I have found that it helped with my back when literally out of nowhere , I was woken up from my dream because I felt liquid of some sort moving through my system at an incredibly fast rate . I thought that maybe I had to use the bathroom , but it was completely out of my control . I immediately rolled off the couch to the floor , and I still had absolutely no control . One of the more unfortunate symptoms of pregnancy is loss of complete bladder control , but I distinctly remember thinking , " It can 't be this bad , can it ? " Then I started thinking that maybe my water had broken . I had also read that it doesn 't typically come out so quickly the way that it 's portrayed on TV and in movies , but I wasn 't 100 % sure . With the flashlight on my phone , I tried to figure out what it was , but I couldn 't tell . I stood up and rushed to the bathroom . However , when I sat down , I was in for a huge shock . There was blood everywhere . I had had an incident with bleeding just 5 weeks earlier , but it was nothing like this . I called for Howard and banged on the shower door to wake him up . The worst part of this was that it wasn 't stopping . Without being too graphic , the baby 's room and the bathroom basically looked like a murder scene . Saying that I was bleeding would have been an understatement ; the only words that could be used to describe what was happening was " gushing " and " pouring . " Howard called my doctor 's answering service knowing that we 'd have to go to the emergency room but wanting them to be prepared for our arrival . I was about to break down and cry hysterically , but somehow he remained calm and kept me calm too . Later on , he told me that he was visibly shaking , but I just didn 't notice because all I could do was look down . As Howard got me new clothes , I called my parents ' house , which I knew would probably scare them because the only time that typically happens is for emergency purposes . My mom said they could pick us up , but I wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible , and we 're less than 15 minutes away . When we went downstairs to grab my bag and a hoodie for me as well as put on our shoes , I was praying out loud and saying , " God , protect the baby . Keep him safe . We know You love him more than we do . " And as scared and worried as I was that I was going to lose the baby after carrying him for 8 months , I started feeling a bit more at peace that God was in control . Since it was about 3 : 15AM at that point , it was fairly chilly outside . The windshield on the car kept fogging up , so we were being cautious about that . One good thing was that they finally paved Forest Avenue ! It was so bumpy for weeks after they tore it up , and it was such a relief that the drive could at least be a smooth one . I had the directions on my phone even though we 've been there before a few times in the past , but it also gave us something to focus on instead of worry . I was texting my mom to keep her updated because she and my dad were going to go to the hospital too . I also texted the director of my school and the headmaster to let them know we were going to the hospital so that they would be prepared for the fact that I was going to miss work . It 's also a comfort knowing that they would be praying for me too . Because we were there a little over a month ago , Howard knew to drive the car to the back of the hospital and drop me off at the emergency room . He walked me in and I told the nurse there that they were expecting me upstairs . She called to confirm and then asked if I wanted a wheelchair . I took her up on that offer because I wasn 't sure if constantly moving was hurting the situation . Plus , I didn 't think I could maintain my composure and stand much longer . While the nurse took me upstairs , Howard went to park the car . I filled out the forms that I had already filled out not too long ago after the first very minor bleeding incident . It was surreal being there again . A nurse came in and brought me to triage where she gave me a gown . I asked if I could use the bathroom first before being hooked up to monitors , and thank God when I went , I could tell that the bleeding was coming to a stop at that point . Howard arrived around that time so he was able to help me change into the robe . The nurse put two different monitors on belts around my belly . One was to monitor baby 's heartbeat and the other was to monitor any potential contractions . We immediately saw that baby 's heart rate was exactly where it should be , and we both breathed a sigh of relief . I felt that as long as he was okay that everything would be fine . The craziness of the night wasn 't just for me though . There was another couple in the section next to us that was dealing with the woman 's fairly intense labor . My mom had arrived at that point , but since only one person was allowed in triage , she had to stay in the waiting room right next to it . She heard that woman in pain and wondered if it was me and if the baby was coming incredibly early , but then she picked up on the constant swearing and knew it wasn 't me ! That woman was soon transferred to labor and delivery . But then the night continued to be an eventful one as another woman was brought in sitting in a wheelchair clearly in incredible pain , and she had to be taken directly to a room because she was literally going to have the baby right where she was ! It actually took some time before I was fully examined . I went to the bathroom a few times while waiting because of the fact that I was hooked up to an IV . Since I knew the bleeding wasn 't heavy at this point and that baby 's heartbeat was strong , I was starting to calm down . There were two different residents that came to ask me questions . The first one did the ultrasound and then the second one did the full exam . My mom was allowed to come back and stay with us as well since there was no one else in triage at that point , but my dad stayed in the car . Even my doctor showed up at one point ; she actually got angry at some of the staff because she had requested that they not examine me because it was so late and I wasn 't cared for right away due to the two women who had their babies so quickly . I think the message might 've gotten lost in the hustle and bustle of the staff change . Someone from antepartum ended up coming to see me and just casually mentioned how I was staying in the hospital for at least a night . What now ? I have to stay at the hospital ? Apparently no one told me about that either , so that was news . In all honesty , she was the one person who I wasn 't that happy with because she just had a very direct and somewhat blunt way of delivering news or answering questions . For example , I had an IV in my arm already , but they needed another tube of blood for testing because one was left out in the initial testing . She was looking on the back of my hands and my wrists and my other arm to see if she could draw blood , but there was nothing available . She questioned why I hadn 't had any water to drink , and I explained to her that since arriving at the hospital , I wasn 't allowed to eat or drink anything . She asked why I didn 't drink any water beforehand , and I had to explain to her that we arrived at 3 : 30AM , and that I was woken up from my sleep and didn 't think as I was changing and getting ready to leave to go to the hospital that I should get a drink of water . When she finally poked me in the back of my left hanThankfully , I wasn 't required to be hooked up to the IV bag any longer , which meant going to the bathroom would be a little easier . It was still rather painful though because of the angle of the needle . I really hope the veins on the back of my hand are visible when I have the baby because I don 't want to deal with it in my arm again ! Plus , it also meant that I could eat and drink ! Lunch was soon , but we weren 't sure when it would be delivered , so Howard and my mom went to the cafeteria to get some food . I was really wanting something like a salad and soup from Panera , which my dad was willing to get , but it was just easier to do some from the cafeteria so that my dad wouldn 't have to drive far to get it and return with it . I thoroughly enjoyed that soup since I was so hungry at that point . My mom actually had to help me in the beginning because it hurt so much to bend my right arm due to the IV . I then switched over to using my left hand . It wasn 't the most spectacular soup in the world , but it tasted homemade and I liked that they got me a ton of noodles to slurp when I was done with the broth . I was eventually brought a sandwich for lunch , but I didn 't eat it at that time though I did enjoy the chips ! My mom left in the afternoon because it was actually my grandfather 's birthday dinner celebration . It was just Howard and me for the duration of our stay along with the two other women who were already in antepartum . Most of the time for me was spent like this : I was hot because of the chux that you sit on , so I didn 't even want the socks that they gave me or the blanket that was on the bed . I don 't even know what else we did to pass the time , but I was amazingly grateful that Howard stayed with me the entire time . Since we 're only about 15 minutes away from the hospital , I told him that he could take a break and go home if he wanted to , but he stuck by my side . Since there were no nurses really stationed in antepartum , he also didn 't want to leave me without the ability to get help if I needed it . I do remember that during that time , I wrote an email to my boss about having to begin my maternity leave much earlier . The last time I spoke to him about it , I had said I was trying to make it to the end of October , but clearly God had different plans . I had to just stop thinking about my responsibilities at work and accept the fact that my priority was to make sure baby stayed put until my due date . I also didn 't have much of a choice because of the bed rest , but for once , I didn 't feel as guilty as I thought I might . I was actually pushing myself at work for the past week or so , and Howard and my parents wanted me to start my leave earlier than what I had planned . I was returning home with swollen feet and just falling asleep on the couch with no energy to do anything . I had also had the flu shot and the Tdap , which knocked the wind out of me for a little bit as well . But in the past 8 years or so of teaching , I kept going to work work regardless of how I felt . However , this was one time in my life where work just could NOT be on my list of concerns any longer . I took a few bites of it and wasn 't enjoying the beefy flavor , so Howard actually ate it ( along with the sticky rice my mom made the day before that my dad brought for him when he picked up my mom ) . I had half of the chicken and roasted red pepper sandwich from lunch . I look back at these pictures and know that although it was a stressful time during the pregnancy , we also were able to have some laughs . Howard thought the little styrofoam container was a delicious soup of some sort , but in reality , it was just hot water for tea . He was smelling the beef stew in the large container ! That night , I was grateful that we were both able to sleep . Howard was upright in a chair when the night nurse came by and got him a reclining chair and a blanket that was definitely more comfortable for him . During the nighttime hours , one of the women had an emergency situation with the baby 's heart rate or something like that as the alarms went off . Then since the other woman who was next to us was discharged , another girl and her husband was brought in in the middle of the night too . I woke up from all the sounds but was able to fall back asleep . It wasn 't a deep sleep by any means , but it was still needed . Our favorite nurse of the stay was named Rachel , and she did have to come to me in the morning hours because the monitor wasn 't picking up baby 's heartbeat . He was clearly so done with having that thing on him because any time a nurse would move it around , he would kick it ! Not only could I feel it , it was audible on the monitor as well because it would suddenly be a loud thump . Howard and I laughed at his behavior because he was actually more well - behaved with the nicer nurses as if he knew to be cooperative . I was grateful that after spending so much time in the hospital that I wasn 't actively bleeding . I definitely still had some old blood and some spotting , but it was much easier to deal with than what had happened at home . I was hoping and praying that I 'd be discharged , but I also knew not to expect it to happen so quickly . Instead , I looked forward to breakfast . Unfortunately , the breakfast I was given was French toast , which is one of my least favorite things to eat in the entire world . I figured I 'd be hungry enough to eat whatever was given to me , but this was like a shingle . A dry , whole wheat shingle , haha . Even Howard didn 't think it was very edible , and he doesn 't mind whole wheat bread or French toast ! Howard went downstairs to the cafeteria to grab us some more edible food for breakfast . We split a cheese omelette that I actually thought was pretty good especially compared to the French toast and some corned beef hash . We also split pancakes , and Howard indulged in some bacon since it 's something we never actually buy ourselves . We finished our breakfast around 9AM . Then we were visited by nurses and finally the resident who said that we were going to be discharged ! They were waiting on the blood test that the nurse Rachel had taken to check that I wasn 't anemic from the blood loss . She had to prick me in the right wrist , but she did it so gently that it was such a relief compared to the horrid experience with the back of the left hand . I signed the papers after being told that I had to stay on bed rest , and we walked downstairs ( after the difficulty of trying to find someone let us out of the unit because the doors are always locked ) . I sat in the lobby area as Howard go the car , and I took this picture at 10 : 36AM . I was beyond grateful that I was leaving and going home . I prayed for the one woman who was still in the hospital who would have to stay until her baby was actually born . Personally , I couldn 't wait to be home to use my own bathroom and to take a shower and be comfortable sleeping once again . Since then , the pregnancy hasn 't exactly gone the way I imagined it would what with the bed rest and the planned early c - section , but that 's going to have to be another story for another day . All I know is that this adventure is one that is going to require a lot of trust in Him ! I just have to keep remembering that God loves my baby more than I ever can , and He also loves me too more than I can ever imagine . Just 5 days after we got that first positive pregnancy test , I called a new doctor to set up my first appointment . My current gynecologist no longer delivers babies , so I had to find someone new . I didn 't know how I could ask those around me for recommendations since I hadn 't told anyone else about our news other than my immediate family . We hadn 't even told Howard 's family yet because we were waiting for my father - in - law 's birthday dinner so everyone would be together . In my search online , I decided to look at a former doctor who left my current doctor 's office to start her own practice . I discovered that she closed her practice fairly recently , but she recommended a doctor that even delivered her own babies . Well , an obstetrician who delivers other doctors ' babies ? Sounds good to me ! The funny thing is that when I found her Facebook page , I saw that a few of my friends actually liked her page . What made it even better is that I saw a review from my colleague 's wife who raved about her . She was actually the one I wanted to ask since she had 3 babies already , and there you go ! Thanks to the internet , I was able to find her without even asking ! Thankfully , I was able to get an appointment with them after telling them it was somewhat through a personal recommendation . That first appointment was scheduled for Monday , March 21 . Although we were excited to be having a baby , it still didn 't feel real just yet . Sure , we did tell some more family members and my closest colleagues at that point , but I didn 't feel any different . There was a part of me that was kind of like , " Well , I still have to get through my daily work days and plan lessons and pretend that everything 's the same . " I think I just needed that confirmation from the doctor herself , as if there was any possibility that the 5 positive pregnancy tests I had sitting on the toilet tank were incorrect . I didn 't know what to expect during that first appointment . I 'm the type of person who prefers to be prepared as much as possible , so before any medical procedure , I look up anything I can online just so I 'm not surprised . However , since there were so many different things that could happen during a first appointment depending on doctors , I wasn 't sure . I just knew that I 'd probably have to get used to peeing in a cup , haha , which is something I have always hated to do . In fact , I 'd prefer to get blood drawn than pee in a cup , but now that I do it at every appointment , I 've gotten rather used to it , thankfully ! With no definite expectations other than that , I was a little nervous . Howard and I sat in the waiting room for quite a bit of time . When we were called in , the nurse asked if we were there because I was pregnant , and I said yes . She replied , " Yeah , the husbands don 't usually come to the pap smears ! " After the routine questions were asked and my blood pressure and weight were recorded , the doctor came in to ask a few questions of her own and run through her own tests . I was then led into another room for an internal ultrasound . It 's funny how the things that you have always dreaded in the past are just things you have to do and can handle when it means it 's for your baby ! The room was set up so that instead of my having to turn to look at the technician 's screen , I could just look up at the one mounted on the wall in front of me as I was lying down . When the image popped up , I noticed something unusual , but at the same time , I didn 't really think too much of it since it was my first time really looking at an ultrasound carefully . But the technician then said something we both were NOT expecting at all . She said , " As you can see , it 's twins . . . " WHAT ? ! TWINS ? ! She said she saw it right away , but she wanted to make sure she could see a heartbeat on both babies before she said anything . Howard and I looked at each other with wide eyes . We were shocked . We have joked for years that if we ever had twins , we would name the babies Luke and Leia if it was a boy and girl . Many people have heard the story of how I promised him that those would be their names since he loves Star Wars so much ( even though it was kind of a joke , I think , haha ) . We had also only recently discovered that twins do actually run in his family . I think it was just something that he had forgotten since his extended family lives around the world . In that brief moment , I had a million thoughts run through my head . I thought about how it would be so much more difficult on us to handle two babies at the same time at the same age and how it would cost twice as much to feed , clothe , and diaper our little ones ! But as quickly as those worries sped through , they came to a complete halt . The technician actually couldn 't find the heartbeat for the second baby . We heard the beautiful sound of Baby A 's heart , but there was nothing for Baby B . And suddenly , the fears I had just a minute ago turned into bewilderment . What ? How was there no heartbeat ? As the news sank in , I began to cry . The doctor came into the room at that time , and the technician explained to her what had happened . They gave me tissues and explained that it was probably Vanishing Twin Syndrome . Because ultrasounds are done so early nowadays , it 's possible to see that there are twins before a miscarriage occurs and one is absorbed by the other twin . In the past , it wouldn 't have been as easily detected because by the time they could see the baby in an external ultrasound , the other twin would have disappeared already . She said that instead of having me return in a month for my next appointment , she wanted to check me out again in two weeks to make sure that everything was okay . If I had any bleeding / spotting or any other miscarriage symptoms , I was to call the office . Howard and I spoke to her a little more and got more information about pregnancy in general . We left the office rather quietly , but when we got to the car , the tears just started flowing again . I know that medically speaking , these things happen , but I was afraid that it was something I did or didn 't do that caused it to happen . I 'm sure plenty of other women have had the same thoughts I had , but I just felt guilty because I was the one carrying both babies . I also felt guilt about the immediate thoughts I had in the office regarding how I was scared about having to handle two babies at once . I went home , and we both called our parents and then texted our siblings to let them know . It was a very confusing time emotionally . I did a lot of reading online in an attempt to have a better understanding of it . Some articles definitely made me cry many times . For example , there was one woman in an article who mentioned it felt like going to a birthday party and a funeral at the same time . We were sad about Baby B , but we were also happy about Baby A . But at the same time , we felt guilty for being happy about Baby A . My emotions would flip flop on an hourly basis . Was I even " allowed " to be sad ? Some women are only pregnant with one baby and have a miscarriage . At least we still had one with us , right ? There are some women who have infertility issues and can 't even get pregnant and stay pregnant with one baby . I should be thankful , right ? We also knew that Baby B was already in heaven having the best time . I didn 't know what I should or could feel . We didn 't share this information with many people at the time or since then . Other than our immediate family , I only told two of my colleagues at work the next day because I knew I needed their prayer and support . After some time , we also told our small group , but that was much later on when it was easier to talk about it . I just couldn 't handle my own emotions and then deal with what other people might say too . My mentor teacher told me that even though we still had one baby , I had every right to be sad about the other baby and that we should give ourselves time to mourn that loss . I mean , even though I was still pregnant , I did lose a baby . One person I told attempted to comfort me by saying that at least we didn 't hear both heartbeats during one appointment and then not hear them the next . Sure , I agree that would 've been more devastating , but this was still taking an emotional toll nonetheless . When we told our small group , our leader said that sometimes when he has to comfort others due to his pastoral role within ministry , the only thing that can be said is , " That sucks . " I couldn 't agree more . During those two weeks of waiting for the next appointment , I was incredibly sick from morning sickness , but it was made worse by the worries . There was a slight chance that the second heartbeat just wasn 't audible because the baby was too small . I didn 't know what to think . I admit I didn 't even know how to pray . The doctor had explained that having multiples increases the risks in pregnancy and that I would have to stop working by a certain week and take it easy to prevent preterm labor . I knew it would 've been a strain on my body if that was the case , but I couldn 't help but ask God why there had to be another baby in the first place if it wasn 't going to survive . It sounds silly , but I even wondered if Baby A knew that something was wrong and missed Baby B . At the next doctor 's visit , we could physically see that the second sac was shrinking . For those of you who saw Howard 's Facebook post on our 4th anniversary in May , you already saw this picture . You can see that the second baby didn 't grow the way the first baby did . I also had some bleeding in the uterus . As sad as it was , I actually started feeling a little better physically thereafter . Weeks 6 - 9 of my pregnancy were the worst in terms of morning sickness and stress , but once we had more of a final answer about our twins , we could move on to being happy that Baby A was healthy and growing right on schedule with a heartbeat at 185 beats per minute . We could look forward to being parents ! Writing this entry definitely brought up a lot of the emotions that I thought were long gone . I guess there 's no way to truly make the sadness about our other baby go away forever . Even though I will be giving birth to one baby in November , I am and always will be the mother of twins , and we both look forward to meeting our other baby in heaven ! When we found out that we were pregnant on Wednesday , March 2 , we were still a little skeptical . As I mentioned in an earlier post , I took another test the next day in the morning for a confirmation . We didn 't tell anyone right away because we wanted to let the news sink in and enjoy it when it was just the two of us . It definitely is different once people know . It felt odd keeping such a secret though because that Friday was my school 's annual Pajama Movie Night , and I had to order a well - done burger when a few of my colleagues and I went out to eat before the event . Everything I did made me wonder if I would do or say something that would give it away . I always thought I 'd tell my mom immediately , but it happened to be that my dad 's birthday celebration was that Saturday . He always tries to tell me things , and I 'll reply , " Mommy already told me . " If there 's anything new going on with me , he typically hears it through my mom because we talk so often and about everything . I thought it would be extra special to make the announcement specifically to my dad so that he would also see just how important he is to me . Just to be on the safe side because Howard and I were still doubtful , I took another test on Saturday morning . This was just two days after the last test , and that line could not be any darker ! There was no waiting for it to appear ; it automatically appeared ! It was amazing to see how clear it was ; there was absolutely no denying it at that point ! I also kept thinking about how great it was that my colleague told me to get the Dollar Tree tests . I mean , I took so many just to confirm ! Okay , now that we had that confirmation , I had to figure out how to reveal the news . I just knew it would be the perfect opportunity because my entire immediate family doesn 't get together that often , and I really didn 't want to just text it . This was a rare occasion with the best timing ! I decided to make a card because I 've done that once in a while in the past so it wouldn 't be too out of the blue . My dad isn 't really someone who likes getting gifts ; he 'll worry that we spent too much money on him ! Anyway , I didn 't have the time to make anything fancy with my Cricut or Silhouette , so I used the internet to get a simple black and white picture of a slice of cake and copied and pasted it so that there would be 9 slices on the front since the addition of our baby would make us a party of 9 ! When we go to the house , I knew we would have to wait a bit . I wanted to make sure my brother , sister - in - law , and niece were there too . I kept waiting for the best moment because I did want Howard to film their reaction or take pictures if possible . When we went upstairs to the living room , I was thinking it would be the right time because we were all taking pictures of Ava , but my mom wasn 't sitting anywhere near my dad . I wanted to make sure that they were together so that she could read it too when he opened the card . Okay , I 'd have to wait a little longer . Later that night , we were in the kitchen for dinner . We had ordered in so it was fairly relaxed , but I thought it was hilarious that my mom had brought up a Seagrams Escape Fuzzy Navel , which is what we used to get in Florida and is the only drink that I ever have that 's considered alcoholic . I had to pass on it as I claimed I wanted Martinelli 's instead and that I 'd have the Seagrams later . I ate a little but not too much because I was feeling a little nervous ! Finally when we were getting ready to have some dessert , I gave my dad the card . He took it , thanked me , and then put it aside . I told him to open it , and while he was doing that , my mom realized she had miscounted plates , but I didn 't want her to miss out on reading it too ! I had to tell her to look . My younger brother was on the other side of my dad , so he leaned over to take a look too . As I said before , the front of the card just had 9 slices of cake on it with the beginning of the happy birthday song , but instead of finishing the lyrics , I wrote , " Happy birthday dear . . . " with the continuation on the inside of the card . On the inside , I wrote " Goong - goong ! " because that means maternal grandfather in Cantonese . Even though my parents are already grandparents , they have different titles in Chinese because my brother had a baby . My parents can only be Goong - goong and Por - por because of me because I 'm their only daughter . Anyway , I inserted a picture of the pregnancy test and then wrote the following : " We 're going to have to split the cake into 9 pieces ! Love , Howard and Rae ( plus one ) . " The reaction was priceless . My dad laughed , but I don 't think he realized what it meant or what the picture was until he saw the " plus one " portion . My mom and younger brother both looked up at the SAME EXACT TIME and said " Really ? " at the SAME EXACT TIME ! And then they both did a little celebratory dance IN THE SAME EXACT WAY . Here 's just a snippet of the video : It made me laugh so much , and even now as I watch the video , I 'm reminded of what a great moment it was . I 'm really glad that it worked out that my entire family was there . We were saying to my baby niece that she was going to be an older cousin ! Now when we get together for dinners and celebrations , we 're going to need an even larger table as our family continues to grow ! After months and months of trying to get pregnant , there was a part of me in the back of my head that was convinced that maybe we would be one of those couples dealing with infertility . There were articles I read that stated that 6 months to a year was the typical amount of time it took , but at the same time , I knew of people that got pregnant rather quickly or without even trying . I told myself that it would happen at the right time , but I kept thinking that with the health problems I 've had since college , I 'd come across some issues preventing it from ever occurring . At the same time , Howard and I had also been searching for a new place to live . Initially , we started apartment hunting and found an apartment we LOVED in a great location with a ton of space and a reputable landlord only to realize that there were no hookups for a washer / dryer and it wasn 't possible to add them up because it was above a dental practice . Another apartment was actually a newly renovated townhouse , and the two of us seemed to really get along with the family and daughter that were renting it . We told them of our interest , and it came down to two parties , but the owner ended up not choosing us and apologized because of how much he knew we loved it . We then switched to looking at houses after our parents advised us that it made more sense to pay a mortgage than pay rent , but the houses we liked sold quickly . I didn 't think we 'd be able to handle a down payment on a house , so we then began poring over the online listings for townhouses . There was one we absolutely adored and even put an offer on it , but the owners insisted that they wanted $ 5000 less than full price . It wasn 't worth it in our opinion , and even our realtor said that their counter offer was ridiculous . As you can see , there were many internal struggles and even faith struggles throughout this time because I felt that we were ready to move on to the next stage of our lives . We both cried many times when the pregnancy tests came back negative despite symptoms suggesting othStart on the chores and sweep ' til the floor 's all clean , I 'm sure I 'm not alone when I say I spent my middle school and high school years waiting for the day I could finally have a guy call me his girlfriend . It was as if my life would surely have more meaning and purpose once someone else determined that I was worthy . I eagerly waited for high school graduation when I could stop worrying about the competition for being ranked first and second . Once I began college , I would be able to study what I wanted to study and leave behind the world of classes like economics and history ( sorry , Jess ) . Then after receiving my Bachelor 's degree , I was anticipating the moment when I would finally have my MRS degree . Knowing that I would undoubtedly have my spouse by my side for the rest of our lives gave me feelings of comfort and peace . And now that I have been happily married for almost 4 years , there are two things that I look forward to hopefully happening sooner rather than later . Much of what Howard and I have thought about is how things would be easier if we were as financially " set " as my brother or his sister . Some of you already know that Howard and I have been looking to move . We initially thought we were going to rent a 2 - bedroom apartment , which would be an unbelievably amazing upgrade considering we live in a studio right now . After many prayers and seeing God close many doors and giving us the clear " no 's " that we ask for , we have been house hunting instead . I feel that once we find the right place and we can move , we 'll have more closets to get organized , better kitchen appliances and space to prepare healthier meals , and more room to finally be able to repay our families and host dinners . And don 't get me started on just how thrilled we will be when we finally have access to our own washer / dryer ! The other stage of my life that I am looking forward to is having a baby . I have always felt that being called a mom is such a prestigious title . I think fondly about the way my mom parented my older brother and me and feel that it is such a high calling . I thoroughly enjoy my nephew and nieces , but there 's part of me that wonders when it will happen for my husband and me . During all these instances , it 's as if I 'm somehow always thinking that at the next phase , I will be set and my life will surely begin . Since the start of the school year , however , I have been learning how to be patient with all the things that I think will mean some sort of completion in my life . I have been reminded time and time again that God is the one whose plans will far surpass any plans I attempt to make . I have worried about many things , but I see over and over again that He orchestrates all these phases . For once , it is as if I am finally learning to fully submit the desires of my heart to the One who knows it all . Yesterday in church , I was especially touched . There was a new song included in worship called " Death Was Arrested . " Part of the lyrics are as follows : Those lyrics just seem to directly address Rapunzel 's and sometimes my thoughts of " When will my life begin ? " I admit that I sometimes lose sight of God 's plan for my life when I try to take things into my own hands and plan and organize it the way we all plan our lessons and organize our classrooms . I hope that over the past 31 years , I have gained wisdom and not just head knowledge and looking to His Word is definitely the best way to get plugged into the true source of wisdom . Some of the many verses that have reminded me of God 's wonder can be found in Psalm 139 : 1 - 6 , 13 - 16 . Just a few hours after sharing that with everyone , Howard texted me to tell me that after adjusting our initial offer , the new offer we had made on a house the day before was accepted ! And then as you all read in my previous post , it was just a little over a week when we saw those two lines indicating that we were going to be having a baby ! It 's funny looking back on everything that happened and seeing how God was in charge the entire time even though we kept trying to control our steps and do things according to our own timing . It was clear that He was wanting us to surrender and trust , and I can truthfully say that I 'm glad He waited for us to get to that point . Because in the end , what do I know ? Nothing . What does He know ? Everything . " Can you stop at the store and get like , steak ? Or tofu ? Some kind of protein ? " That was a slightly odd text for me to send Howard back at the beginning of March . Anyone who knows me is aware that I would much rather enjoy plentiful helpings of stuffing , mashed potatoes , and green bean casserole at Thanksgiving instead of the turkey or beef . I 've been known to choose an entree at the restaurant based on what comes with it on the side . My mom used to remind me when ordering that I had to choose something with protein in it because , in my opinion , that 's just not the best part of the meal so I would avoid it if I could . So when I had this sudden craving for protein , I had a feeling something might be different . Howard came home from work and stopped at our local store for two small steaks . I was excited to have some beef , which is somewhat rare in our household . But because it was an out of the blue craving , I decided that maybe I should take a pregnancy test in case there was a need for my steak to be cooked all the way through . In all honesty , this was probably the first time I didn 't really have high hopes for what the test would reveal . This was the second batch of pregnancy tests that we had purchased , which meant I had gone through some months of feeling hopeful and then ultimately feeling disappointed when the test came out negative . I had come to the point in my walk with God when I realized that if He wanted us to be parents , it would happen in His time instead of our own . Taking the test this time was done just out of precaution . Even so , there 's something somewhat nerve - wracking about waiting even if it 's for just a short interval . I set the test on the top of the toilet tank and sat down on the bathroom rug with the timer on my phone set for 3 minutes . When the buzzer indicated that it was time to look , I stood up and peered over and saw . . . nothing . Nothing had happened . There wasn 't even one line for the control . I was wondering what happened because it didn 't look as if liquid had even moved at all , so I picked it up and for some strange reason , looked underneath the test to see if I could visually detect any issues with the test . Then because I tipped it one direction , the liquid moved down the testing strip and two lines automatically appeared . The testing line wasn 't as strong as the control line , but it was undoubtedly there . I froze . The test had to be faulty , right ? But then again , any line even if it 's faint means that there 's HCG present . I called Howard to the bathroom and told him what happened . Maybe I put it on a spot of the toilet tank that wasn 't level . But I had done that before in the past . We decided we would just try again with another test . Thankfully , my colleague at work told me to just grab the ones from Dollar Tree because that 's what she had successfully used for her two kids , so I didn 't have to feel bad about spending so much money on pregnancy tests ! But since I had just used the bathroom , I had to keep drinking water and wait a bit at first ! We were in denial at that point because of all the times I 've read about tests that were faulty . About 20 minutes later , I took the second test . We both waited in the bathroom and when the 3 minutes was up , we turned to read the results . There it was again ! That second line ! We just stood there staring at each other as we were not quite sure what to believe . In the past , I wondered if I or both of us would cry especially after wanting a baby for a while , but we were just in shock and kind of laughing at what was before our eyes . The rest of the night , I kept saying , " Am I pregnant ? " but it was closer to a statement than an actual question . We kept looking at each other and then bursting out in laughter . I know that any line means there 's HCG in the urine , but I just couldn 't fully believe it . We decided I 'd take another test in the morning when the HCG is supposedly the strongest , and that third test confirmed it ! What ? ! So now we know we 're definitely having a baby ? ! We 're going to be parents ? ! Welcome ! My name is Rachel . I 'm a wife , a middle school teacher ( math and ELA ) , a Disney fanatic , a self - proclaimed ninja , a sushi eater , a couponer , and a paper crafter ! Join me on my random adventures ! |
It 's crazy to think how much can change in a month . Almost one month ago on September 22 , I went through a full day of work with no breaks other than lunch due to my prep - less Thursday schedule . I drove home immediately after dismissal so I could have some time to myself before heading back for a school event at night . Then I returned to work and spent another two hours at work in the evening for Back to School Night speaking to parents about the plans for the upcoming year for math , English , and science . The reason for all of the changes is because of what happened that next Friday morning on September 23 at 3AM . It was by far the most terrifying and most traumatic experience I have ever lived through in my entire life . I was sleeping on the couch in the baby 's room because I have found that it helped with my back when literally out of nowhere , I was woken up from my dream because I felt liquid of some sort moving through my system at an incredibly fast rate . I thought that maybe I had to use the bathroom , but it was completely out of my control . I immediately rolled off the couch to the floor , and I still had absolutely no control . One of the more unfortunate symptoms of pregnancy is loss of complete bladder control , but I distinctly remember thinking , " It can 't be this bad , can it ? " Then I started thinking that maybe my water had broken . I had also read that it doesn 't typically come out so quickly the way that it 's portrayed on TV and in movies , but I wasn 't 100 % sure . With the flashlight on my phone , I tried to figure out what it was , but I couldn 't tell . I stood up and rushed to the bathroom . However , when I sat down , I was in for a huge shock . There was blood everywhere . I had had an incident with bleeding just 5 weeks earlier , but it was nothing like this . I called for Howard and banged on the shower door to wake him up . The worst part of this was that it wasn 't stopping . Without being too graphic , the baby 's room and the bathroom basically looked like a murder scene . Saying that I was bleeding would have been an understatement ; the only words that could be used to describe what was happening was " gushing " and " pouring . " Howard called my doctor 's answering service knowing that we 'd have to go to the emergency room but wanting them to be prepared for our arrival . I was about to break down and cry hysterically , but somehow he remained calm and kept me calm too . Later on , he told me that he was visibly shaking , but I just didn 't notice because all I could do was look down . As Howard got me new clothes , I called my parents ' house , which I knew would probably scare them because the only time that typically happens is for emergency purposes . My mom said they could pick us up , but I wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible , and we 're less than 15 minutes away . When we went downstairs to grab my bag and a hoodie for me as well as put on our shoes , I was praying out loud and saying , " God , protect the baby . Keep him safe . We know You love him more than we do . " And as scared and worried as I was that I was going to lose the baby after carrying him for 8 months , I started feeling a bit more at peace that God was in control . Since it was about 3 : 15AM at that point , it was fairly chilly outside . The windshield on the car kept fogging up , so we were being cautious about that . One good thing was that they finally paved Forest Avenue ! It was so bumpy for weeks after they tore it up , and it was such a relief that the drive could at least be a smooth one . I had the directions on my phone even though we 've been there before a few times in the past , but it also gave us something to focus on instead of worry . I was texting my mom to keep her updated because she and my dad were going to go to the hospital too . I also texted the director of my school and the headmaster to let them know we were going to the hospital so that they would be prepared for the fact that I was going to miss work . It 's also a comfort knowing that they would be praying for me too . Because we were there a little over a month ago , Howard knew to drive the car to the back of the hospital and drop me off at the emergency room . He walked me in and I told the nurse there that they were expecting me upstairs . She called to confirm and then asked if I wanted a wheelchair . I took her up on that offer because I wasn 't sure if constantly moving was hurting the situation . Plus , I didn 't think I could maintain my composure and stand much longer . While the nurse took me upstairs , Howard went to park the car . I filled out the forms that I had already filled out not too long ago after the first very minor bleeding incident . It was surreal being there again . A nurse came in and brought me to triage where she gave me a gown . I asked if I could use the bathroom first before being hooked up to monitors , and thank God when I went , I could tell that the bleeding was coming to a stop at that point . Howard arrived around that time so he was able to help me change into the robe . The nurse put two different monitors on belts around my belly . One was to monitor baby 's heartbeat and the other was to monitor any potential contractions . We immediately saw that baby 's heart rate was exactly where it should be , and we both breathed a sigh of relief . I felt that as long as he was okay that everything would be fine . The craziness of the night wasn 't just for me though . There was another couple in the section next to us that was dealing with the woman 's fairly intense labor . My mom had arrived at that point , but since only one person was allowed in triage , she had to stay in the waiting room right next to it . She heard that woman in pain and wondered if it was me and if the baby was coming incredibly early , but then she picked up on the constant swearing and knew it wasn 't me ! That woman was soon transferred to labor and delivery . But then the night continued to be an eventful one as another woman was brought in sitting in a wheelchair clearly in incredible pain , and she had to be taken directly to a room because she was literally going to have the baby right where she was ! It actually took some time before I was fully examined . I went to the bathroom a few times while waiting because of the fact that I was hooked up to an IV . Since I knew the bleeding wasn 't heavy at this point and that baby 's heartbeat was strong , I was starting to calm down . There were two different residents that came to ask me questions . The first one did the ultrasound and then the second one did the full exam . My mom was allowed to come back and stay with us as well since there was no one else in triage at that point , but my dad stayed in the car . Even my doctor showed up at one point ; she actually got angry at some of the staff because she had requested that they not examine me because it was so late and I wasn 't cared for right away due to the two women who had their babies so quickly . I think the message might 've gotten lost in the hustle and bustle of the staff change . Someone from antepartum ended up coming to see me and just casually mentioned how I was staying in the hospital for at least a night . What now ? I have to stay at the hospital ? Apparently no one told me about that either , so that was news . In all honesty , she was the one person who I wasn 't that happy with because she just had a very direct and somewhat blunt way of delivering news or answering questions . For example , I had an IV in my arm already , but they needed another tube of blood for testing because one was left out in the initial testing . She was looking on the back of my hands and my wrists and my other arm to see if she could draw blood , but there was nothing available . She questioned why I hadn 't had any water to drink , and I explained to her that since arriving at the hospital , I wasn 't allowed to eat or drink anything . She asked why I didn 't drink any water beforehand , and I had to explain to her that we arrived at 3 : 30AM , and that I was woken up from my sleep and didn 't think as I was changing and getting ready to leave to go to the hospital that I should get a drink of water . When she finally poked me in the back of my left hanThankfully , I wasn 't required to be hooked up to the IV bag any longer , which meant going to the bathroom would be a little easier . It was still rather painful though because of the angle of the needle . I really hope the veins on the back of my hand are visible when I have the baby because I don 't want to deal with it in my arm again ! Plus , it also meant that I could eat and drink ! Lunch was soon , but we weren 't sure when it would be delivered , so Howard and my mom went to the cafeteria to get some food . I was really wanting something like a salad and soup from Panera , which my dad was willing to get , but it was just easier to do some from the cafeteria so that my dad wouldn 't have to drive far to get it and return with it . I thoroughly enjoyed that soup since I was so hungry at that point . My mom actually had to help me in the beginning because it hurt so much to bend my right arm due to the IV . I then switched over to using my left hand . It wasn 't the most spectacular soup in the world , but it tasted homemade and I liked that they got me a ton of noodles to slurp when I was done with the broth . I was eventually brought a sandwich for lunch , but I didn 't eat it at that time though I did enjoy the chips ! My mom left in the afternoon because it was actually my grandfather 's birthday dinner celebration . It was just Howard and me for the duration of our stay along with the two other women who were already in antepartum . Most of the time for me was spent like this : I was hot because of the chux that you sit on , so I didn 't even want the socks that they gave me or the blanket that was on the bed . I don 't even know what else we did to pass the time , but I was amazingly grateful that Howard stayed with me the entire time . Since we 're only about 15 minutes away from the hospital , I told him that he could take a break and go home if he wanted to , but he stuck by my side . Since there were no nurses really stationed in antepartum , he also didn 't want to leave me without the ability to get help if I needed it . I do remember that during that time , I wrote an email to my boss about having to begin my maternity leave much earlier . The last time I spoke to him about it , I had said I was trying to make it to the end of October , but clearly God had different plans . I had to just stop thinking about my responsibilities at work and accept the fact that my priority was to make sure baby stayed put until my due date . I also didn 't have much of a choice because of the bed rest , but for once , I didn 't feel as guilty as I thought I might . I was actually pushing myself at work for the past week or so , and Howard and my parents wanted me to start my leave earlier than what I had planned . I was returning home with swollen feet and just falling asleep on the couch with no energy to do anything . I had also had the flu shot and the Tdap , which knocked the wind out of me for a little bit as well . But in the past 8 years or so of teaching , I kept going to work work regardless of how I felt . However , this was one time in my life where work just could NOT be on my list of concerns any longer . I took a few bites of it and wasn 't enjoying the beefy flavor , so Howard actually ate it ( along with the sticky rice my mom made the day before that my dad brought for him when he picked up my mom ) . I had half of the chicken and roasted red pepper sandwich from lunch . I look back at these pictures and know that although it was a stressful time during the pregnancy , we also were able to have some laughs . Howard thought the little styrofoam container was a delicious soup of some sort , but in reality , it was just hot water for tea . He was smelling the beef stew in the large container ! That night , I was grateful that we were both able to sleep . Howard was upright in a chair when the night nurse came by and got him a reclining chair and a blanket that was definitely more comfortable for him . During the nighttime hours , one of the women had an emergency situation with the baby 's heart rate or something like that as the alarms went off . Then since the other woman who was next to us was discharged , another girl and her husband was brought in in the middle of the night too . I woke up from all the sounds but was able to fall back asleep . It wasn 't a deep sleep by any means , but it was still needed . Our favorite nurse of the stay was named Rachel , and she did have to come to me in the morning hours because the monitor wasn 't picking up baby 's heartbeat . He was clearly so done with having that thing on him because any time a nurse would move it around , he would kick it ! Not only could I feel it , it was audible on the monitor as well because it would suddenly be a loud thump . Howard and I laughed at his behavior because he was actually more well - behaved with the nicer nurses as if he knew to be cooperative . I was grateful that after spending so much time in the hospital that I wasn 't actively bleeding . I definitely still had some old blood and some spotting , but it was much easier to deal with than what had happened at home . I was hoping and praying that I 'd be discharged , but I also knew not to expect it to happen so quickly . Instead , I looked forward to breakfast . Unfortunately , the breakfast I was given was French toast , which is one of my least favorite things to eat in the entire world . I figured I 'd be hungry enough to eat whatever was given to me , but this was like a shingle . A dry , whole wheat shingle , haha . Even Howard didn 't think it was very edible , and he doesn 't mind whole wheat bread or French toast ! Howard went downstairs to the cafeteria to grab us some more edible food for breakfast . We split a cheese omelette that I actually thought was pretty good especially compared to the French toast and some corned beef hash . We also split pancakes , and Howard indulged in some bacon since it 's something we never actually buy ourselves . We finished our breakfast around 9AM . Then we were visited by nurses and finally the resident who said that we were going to be discharged ! They were waiting on the blood test that the nurse Rachel had taken to check that I wasn 't anemic from the blood loss . She had to prick me in the right wrist , but she did it so gently that it was such a relief compared to the horrid experience with the back of the left hand . I signed the papers after being told that I had to stay on bed rest , and we walked downstairs ( after the difficulty of trying to find someone let us out of the unit because the doors are always locked ) . I sat in the lobby area as Howard go the car , and I took this picture at 10 : 36AM . I was beyond grateful that I was leaving and going home . I prayed for the one woman who was still in the hospital who would have to stay until her baby was actually born . Personally , I couldn 't wait to be home to use my own bathroom and to take a shower and be comfortable sleeping once again . Since then , the pregnancy hasn 't exactly gone the way I imagined it would what with the bed rest and the planned early c - section , but that 's going to have to be another story for another day . All I know is that this adventure is one that is going to require a lot of trust in Him ! I just have to keep remembering that God loves my baby more than I ever can , and He also loves me too more than I can ever imagine . Just 5 days after we got that first positive pregnancy test , I called a new doctor to set up my first appointment . My current gynecologist no longer delivers babies , so I had to find someone new . I didn 't know how I could ask those around me for recommendations since I hadn 't told anyone else about our news other than my immediate family . We hadn 't even told Howard 's family yet because we were waiting for my father - in - law 's birthday dinner so everyone would be together . In my search online , I decided to look at a former doctor who left my current doctor 's office to start her own practice . I discovered that she closed her practice fairly recently , but she recommended a doctor that even delivered her own babies . Well , an obstetrician who delivers other doctors ' babies ? Sounds good to me ! The funny thing is that when I found her Facebook page , I saw that a few of my friends actually liked her page . What made it even better is that I saw a review from my colleague 's wife who raved about her . She was actually the one I wanted to ask since she had 3 babies already , and there you go ! Thanks to the internet , I was able to find her without even asking ! Thankfully , I was able to get an appointment with them after telling them it was somewhat through a personal recommendation . That first appointment was scheduled for Monday , March 21 . Although we were excited to be having a baby , it still didn 't feel real just yet . Sure , we did tell some more family members and my closest colleagues at that point , but I didn 't feel any different . There was a part of me that was kind of like , " Well , I still have to get through my daily work days and plan lessons and pretend that everything 's the same . " I think I just needed that confirmation from the doctor herself , as if there was any possibility that the 5 positive pregnancy tests I had sitting on the toilet tank were incorrect . I didn 't know what to expect during that first appointment . I 'm the type of person who prefers to be prepared as much as possible , so before any medical procedure , I look up anything I can online just so I 'm not surprised . However , since there were so many different things that could happen during a first appointment depending on doctors , I wasn 't sure . I just knew that I 'd probably have to get used to peeing in a cup , haha , which is something I have always hated to do . In fact , I 'd prefer to get blood drawn than pee in a cup , but now that I do it at every appointment , I 've gotten rather used to it , thankfully ! With no definite expectations other than that , I was a little nervous . Howard and I sat in the waiting room for quite a bit of time . When we were called in , the nurse asked if we were there because I was pregnant , and I said yes . She replied , " Yeah , the husbands don 't usually come to the pap smears ! " After the routine questions were asked and my blood pressure and weight were recorded , the doctor came in to ask a few questions of her own and run through her own tests . I was then led into another room for an internal ultrasound . It 's funny how the things that you have always dreaded in the past are just things you have to do and can handle when it means it 's for your baby ! The room was set up so that instead of my having to turn to look at the technician 's screen , I could just look up at the one mounted on the wall in front of me as I was lying down . When the image popped up , I noticed something unusual , but at the same time , I didn 't really think too much of it since it was my first time really looking at an ultrasound carefully . But the technician then said something we both were NOT expecting at all . She said , " As you can see , it 's twins . . . " WHAT ? ! TWINS ? ! She said she saw it right away , but she wanted to make sure she could see a heartbeat on both babies before she said anything . Howard and I looked at each other with wide eyes . We were shocked . We have joked for years that if we ever had twins , we would name the babies Luke and Leia if it was a boy and girl . Many people have heard the story of how I promised him that those would be their names since he loves Star Wars so much ( even though it was kind of a joke , I think , haha ) . We had also only recently discovered that twins do actually run in his family . I think it was just something that he had forgotten since his extended family lives around the world . In that brief moment , I had a million thoughts run through my head . I thought about how it would be so much more difficult on us to handle two babies at the same time at the same age and how it would cost twice as much to feed , clothe , and diaper our little ones ! But as quickly as those worries sped through , they came to a complete halt . The technician actually couldn 't find the heartbeat for the second baby . We heard the beautiful sound of Baby A 's heart , but there was nothing for Baby B . And suddenly , the fears I had just a minute ago turned into bewilderment . What ? How was there no heartbeat ? As the news sank in , I began to cry . The doctor came into the room at that time , and the technician explained to her what had happened . They gave me tissues and explained that it was probably Vanishing Twin Syndrome . Because ultrasounds are done so early nowadays , it 's possible to see that there are twins before a miscarriage occurs and one is absorbed by the other twin . In the past , it wouldn 't have been as easily detected because by the time they could see the baby in an external ultrasound , the other twin would have disappeared already . She said that instead of having me return in a month for my next appointment , she wanted to check me out again in two weeks to make sure that everything was okay . If I had any bleeding / spotting or any other miscarriage symptoms , I was to call the office . Howard and I spoke to her a little more and got more information about pregnancy in general . We left the office rather quietly , but when we got to the car , the tears just started flowing again . I know that medically speaking , these things happen , but I was afraid that it was something I did or didn 't do that caused it to happen . I 'm sure plenty of other women have had the same thoughts I had , but I just felt guilty because I was the one carrying both babies . I also felt guilt about the immediate thoughts I had in the office regarding how I was scared about having to handle two babies at once . I went home , and we both called our parents and then texted our siblings to let them know . It was a very confusing time emotionally . I did a lot of reading online in an attempt to have a better understanding of it . Some articles definitely made me cry many times . For example , there was one woman in an article who mentioned it felt like going to a birthday party and a funeral at the same time . We were sad about Baby B , but we were also happy about Baby A . But at the same time , we felt guilty for being happy about Baby A . My emotions would flip flop on an hourly basis . Was I even " allowed " to be sad ? Some women are only pregnant with one baby and have a miscarriage . At least we still had one with us , right ? There are some women who have infertility issues and can 't even get pregnant and stay pregnant with one baby . I should be thankful , right ? We also knew that Baby B was already in heaven having the best time . I didn 't know what I should or could feel . We didn 't share this information with many people at the time or since then . Other than our immediate family , I only told two of my colleagues at work the next day because I knew I needed their prayer and support . After some time , we also told our small group , but that was much later on when it was easier to talk about it . I just couldn 't handle my own emotions and then deal with what other people might say too . My mentor teacher told me that even though we still had one baby , I had every right to be sad about the other baby and that we should give ourselves time to mourn that loss . I mean , even though I was still pregnant , I did lose a baby . One person I told attempted to comfort me by saying that at least we didn 't hear both heartbeats during one appointment and then not hear them the next . Sure , I agree that would 've been more devastating , but this was still taking an emotional toll nonetheless . When we told our small group , our leader said that sometimes when he has to comfort others due to his pastoral role within ministry , the only thing that can be said is , " That sucks . " I couldn 't agree more . During those two weeks of waiting for the next appointment , I was incredibly sick from morning sickness , but it was made worse by the worries . There was a slight chance that the second heartbeat just wasn 't audible because the baby was too small . I didn 't know what to think . I admit I didn 't even know how to pray . The doctor had explained that having multiples increases the risks in pregnancy and that I would have to stop working by a certain week and take it easy to prevent preterm labor . I knew it would 've been a strain on my body if that was the case , but I couldn 't help but ask God why there had to be another baby in the first place if it wasn 't going to survive . It sounds silly , but I even wondered if Baby A knew that something was wrong and missed Baby B . At the next doctor 's visit , we could physically see that the second sac was shrinking . For those of you who saw Howard 's Facebook post on our 4th anniversary in May , you already saw this picture . You can see that the second baby didn 't grow the way the first baby did . I also had some bleeding in the uterus . As sad as it was , I actually started feeling a little better physically thereafter . Weeks 6 - 9 of my pregnancy were the worst in terms of morning sickness and stress , but once we had more of a final answer about our twins , we could move on to being happy that Baby A was healthy and growing right on schedule with a heartbeat at 185 beats per minute . We could look forward to being parents ! Writing this entry definitely brought up a lot of the emotions that I thought were long gone . I guess there 's no way to truly make the sadness about our other baby go away forever . Even though I will be giving birth to one baby in November , I am and always will be the mother of twins , and we both look forward to meeting our other baby in heaven ! When we found out that we were pregnant on Wednesday , March 2 , we were still a little skeptical . As I mentioned in an earlier post , I took another test the next day in the morning for a confirmation . We didn 't tell anyone right away because we wanted to let the news sink in and enjoy it when it was just the two of us . It definitely is different once people know . It felt odd keeping such a secret though because that Friday was my school 's annual Pajama Movie Night , and I had to order a well - done burger when a few of my colleagues and I went out to eat before the event . Everything I did made me wonder if I would do or say something that would give it away . I always thought I 'd tell my mom immediately , but it happened to be that my dad 's birthday celebration was that Saturday . He always tries to tell me things , and I 'll reply , " Mommy already told me . " If there 's anything new going on with me , he typically hears it through my mom because we talk so often and about everything . I thought it would be extra special to make the announcement specifically to my dad so that he would also see just how important he is to me . Just to be on the safe side because Howard and I were still doubtful , I took another test on Saturday morning . This was just two days after the last test , and that line could not be any darker ! There was no waiting for it to appear ; it automatically appeared ! It was amazing to see how clear it was ; there was absolutely no denying it at that point ! I also kept thinking about how great it was that my colleague told me to get the Dollar Tree tests . I mean , I took so many just to confirm ! Okay , now that we had that confirmation , I had to figure out how to reveal the news . I just knew it would be the perfect opportunity because my entire immediate family doesn 't get together that often , and I really didn 't want to just text it . This was a rare occasion with the best timing ! I decided to make a card because I 've done that once in a while in the past so it wouldn 't be too out of the blue . My dad isn 't really someone who likes getting gifts ; he 'll worry that we spent too much money on him ! Anyway , I didn 't have the time to make anything fancy with my Cricut or Silhouette , so I used the internet to get a simple black and white picture of a slice of cake and copied and pasted it so that there would be 9 slices on the front since the addition of our baby would make us a party of 9 ! When we go to the house , I knew we would have to wait a bit . I wanted to make sure my brother , sister - in - law , and niece were there too . I kept waiting for the best moment because I did want Howard to film their reaction or take pictures if possible . When we went upstairs to the living room , I was thinking it would be the right time because we were all taking pictures of Ava , but my mom wasn 't sitting anywhere near my dad . I wanted to make sure that they were together so that she could read it too when he opened the card . Okay , I 'd have to wait a little longer . Later that night , we were in the kitchen for dinner . We had ordered in so it was fairly relaxed , but I thought it was hilarious that my mom had brought up a Seagrams Escape Fuzzy Navel , which is what we used to get in Florida and is the only drink that I ever have that 's considered alcoholic . I had to pass on it as I claimed I wanted Martinelli 's instead and that I 'd have the Seagrams later . I ate a little but not too much because I was feeling a little nervous ! Finally when we were getting ready to have some dessert , I gave my dad the card . He took it , thanked me , and then put it aside . I told him to open it , and while he was doing that , my mom realized she had miscounted plates , but I didn 't want her to miss out on reading it too ! I had to tell her to look . My younger brother was on the other side of my dad , so he leaned over to take a look too . As I said before , the front of the card just had 9 slices of cake on it with the beginning of the happy birthday song , but instead of finishing the lyrics , I wrote , " Happy birthday dear . . . " with the continuation on the inside of the card . On the inside , I wrote " Goong - goong ! " because that means maternal grandfather in Cantonese . Even though my parents are already grandparents , they have different titles in Chinese because my brother had a baby . My parents can only be Goong - goong and Por - por because of me because I 'm their only daughter . Anyway , I inserted a picture of the pregnancy test and then wrote the following : " We 're going to have to split the cake into 9 pieces ! Love , Howard and Rae ( plus one ) . " The reaction was priceless . My dad laughed , but I don 't think he realized what it meant or what the picture was until he saw the " plus one " portion . My mom and younger brother both looked up at the SAME EXACT TIME and said " Really ? " at the SAME EXACT TIME ! And then they both did a little celebratory dance IN THE SAME EXACT WAY . Here 's just a snippet of the video : It made me laugh so much , and even now as I watch the video , I 'm reminded of what a great moment it was . I 'm really glad that it worked out that my entire family was there . We were saying to my baby niece that she was going to be an older cousin ! Now when we get together for dinners and celebrations , we 're going to need an even larger table as our family continues to grow ! After months and months of trying to get pregnant , there was a part of me in the back of my head that was convinced that maybe we would be one of those couples dealing with infertility . There were articles I read that stated that 6 months to a year was the typical amount of time it took , but at the same time , I knew of people that got pregnant rather quickly or without even trying . I told myself that it would happen at the right time , but I kept thinking that with the health problems I 've had since college , I 'd come across some issues preventing it from ever occurring . At the same time , Howard and I had also been searching for a new place to live . Initially , we started apartment hunting and found an apartment we LOVED in a great location with a ton of space and a reputable landlord only to realize that there were no hookups for a washer / dryer and it wasn 't possible to add them up because it was above a dental practice . Another apartment was actually a newly renovated townhouse , and the two of us seemed to really get along with the family and daughter that were renting it . We told them of our interest , and it came down to two parties , but the owner ended up not choosing us and apologized because of how much he knew we loved it . We then switched to looking at houses after our parents advised us that it made more sense to pay a mortgage than pay rent , but the houses we liked sold quickly . I didn 't think we 'd be able to handle a down payment on a house , so we then began poring over the online listings for townhouses . There was one we absolutely adored and even put an offer on it , but the owners insisted that they wanted $ 5000 less than full price . It wasn 't worth it in our opinion , and even our realtor said that their counter offer was ridiculous . As you can see , there were many internal struggles and even faith struggles throughout this time because I felt that we were ready to move on to the next stage of our lives . We both cried many times when the pregnancy tests came back negative despite symptoms suggesting othStart on the chores and sweep ' til the floor 's all clean , I 'm sure I 'm not alone when I say I spent my middle school and high school years waiting for the day I could finally have a guy call me his girlfriend . It was as if my life would surely have more meaning and purpose once someone else determined that I was worthy . I eagerly waited for high school graduation when I could stop worrying about the competition for being ranked first and second . Once I began college , I would be able to study what I wanted to study and leave behind the world of classes like economics and history ( sorry , Jess ) . Then after receiving my Bachelor 's degree , I was anticipating the moment when I would finally have my MRS degree . Knowing that I would undoubtedly have my spouse by my side for the rest of our lives gave me feelings of comfort and peace . And now that I have been happily married for almost 4 years , there are two things that I look forward to hopefully happening sooner rather than later . Much of what Howard and I have thought about is how things would be easier if we were as financially " set " as my brother or his sister . Some of you already know that Howard and I have been looking to move . We initially thought we were going to rent a 2 - bedroom apartment , which would be an unbelievably amazing upgrade considering we live in a studio right now . After many prayers and seeing God close many doors and giving us the clear " no 's " that we ask for , we have been house hunting instead . I feel that once we find the right place and we can move , we 'll have more closets to get organized , better kitchen appliances and space to prepare healthier meals , and more room to finally be able to repay our families and host dinners . And don 't get me started on just how thrilled we will be when we finally have access to our own washer / dryer ! The other stage of my life that I am looking forward to is having a baby . I have always felt that being called a mom is such a prestigious title . I think fondly about the way my mom parented my older brother and me and feel that it is such a high calling . I thoroughly enjoy my nephew and nieces , but there 's part of me that wonders when it will happen for my husband and me . During all these instances , it 's as if I 'm somehow always thinking that at the next phase , I will be set and my life will surely begin . Since the start of the school year , however , I have been learning how to be patient with all the things that I think will mean some sort of completion in my life . I have been reminded time and time again that God is the one whose plans will far surpass any plans I attempt to make . I have worried about many things , but I see over and over again that He orchestrates all these phases . For once , it is as if I am finally learning to fully submit the desires of my heart to the One who knows it all . Yesterday in church , I was especially touched . There was a new song included in worship called " Death Was Arrested . " Part of the lyrics are as follows : Those lyrics just seem to directly address Rapunzel 's and sometimes my thoughts of " When will my life begin ? " I admit that I sometimes lose sight of God 's plan for my life when I try to take things into my own hands and plan and organize it the way we all plan our lessons and organize our classrooms . I hope that over the past 31 years , I have gained wisdom and not just head knowledge and looking to His Word is definitely the best way to get plugged into the true source of wisdom . Some of the many verses that have reminded me of God 's wonder can be found in Psalm 139 : 1 - 6 , 13 - 16 . Just a few hours after sharing that with everyone , Howard texted me to tell me that after adjusting our initial offer , the new offer we had made on a house the day before was accepted ! And then as you all read in my previous post , it was just a little over a week when we saw those two lines indicating that we were going to be having a baby ! It 's funny looking back on everything that happened and seeing how God was in charge the entire time even though we kept trying to control our steps and do things according to our own timing . It was clear that He was wanting us to surrender and trust , and I can truthfully say that I 'm glad He waited for us to get to that point . Because in the end , what do I know ? Nothing . What does He know ? Everything . " Can you stop at the store and get like , steak ? Or tofu ? Some kind of protein ? " That was a slightly odd text for me to send Howard back at the beginning of March . Anyone who knows me is aware that I would much rather enjoy plentiful helpings of stuffing , mashed potatoes , and green bean casserole at Thanksgiving instead of the turkey or beef . I 've been known to choose an entree at the restaurant based on what comes with it on the side . My mom used to remind me when ordering that I had to choose something with protein in it because , in my opinion , that 's just not the best part of the meal so I would avoid it if I could . So when I had this sudden craving for protein , I had a feeling something might be different . Howard came home from work and stopped at our local store for two small steaks . I was excited to have some beef , which is somewhat rare in our household . But because it was an out of the blue craving , I decided that maybe I should take a pregnancy test in case there was a need for my steak to be cooked all the way through . In all honesty , this was probably the first time I didn 't really have high hopes for what the test would reveal . This was the second batch of pregnancy tests that we had purchased , which meant I had gone through some months of feeling hopeful and then ultimately feeling disappointed when the test came out negative . I had come to the point in my walk with God when I realized that if He wanted us to be parents , it would happen in His time instead of our own . Taking the test this time was done just out of precaution . Even so , there 's something somewhat nerve - wracking about waiting even if it 's for just a short interval . I set the test on the top of the toilet tank and sat down on the bathroom rug with the timer on my phone set for 3 minutes . When the buzzer indicated that it was time to look , I stood up and peered over and saw . . . nothing . Nothing had happened . There wasn 't even one line for the control . I was wondering what happened because it didn 't look as if liquid had even moved at all , so I picked it up and for some strange reason , looked underneath the test to see if I could visually detect any issues with the test . Then because I tipped it one direction , the liquid moved down the testing strip and two lines automatically appeared . The testing line wasn 't as strong as the control line , but it was undoubtedly there . I froze . The test had to be faulty , right ? But then again , any line even if it 's faint means that there 's HCG present . I called Howard to the bathroom and told him what happened . Maybe I put it on a spot of the toilet tank that wasn 't level . But I had done that before in the past . We decided we would just try again with another test . Thankfully , my colleague at work told me to just grab the ones from Dollar Tree because that 's what she had successfully used for her two kids , so I didn 't have to feel bad about spending so much money on pregnancy tests ! But since I had just used the bathroom , I had to keep drinking water and wait a bit at first ! We were in denial at that point because of all the times I 've read about tests that were faulty . About 20 minutes later , I took the second test . We both waited in the bathroom and when the 3 minutes was up , we turned to read the results . There it was again ! That second line ! We just stood there staring at each other as we were not quite sure what to believe . In the past , I wondered if I or both of us would cry especially after wanting a baby for a while , but we were just in shock and kind of laughing at what was before our eyes . The rest of the night , I kept saying , " Am I pregnant ? " but it was closer to a statement than an actual question . We kept looking at each other and then bursting out in laughter . I know that any line means there 's HCG in the urine , but I just couldn 't fully believe it . We decided I 'd take another test in the morning when the HCG is supposedly the strongest , and that third test confirmed it ! What ? ! So now we know we 're definitely having a baby ? ! We 're going to be parents ? ! Welcome ! My name is Rachel . I 'm a wife , a middle school teacher ( math and ELA ) , a Disney fanatic , a self - proclaimed ninja , a sushi eater , a couponer , and a paper crafter ! Join me on my random adventures ! |
" Yeah . I was going to start back , but your mom invited me for church and lunch , so I guess I 'm sticking around a little while . " Then he stopped . " That is if you don 't mind . " Emily had been in that little church many times in her life . In fact , it was the only thing that had kept her on the planet the last four weeks of her junior year , but never , ever , not even once had she felt like this while being there . Next to her Jeremy sat squirming smoothly . That was a hard combination to pull off , but he clearly had experience . With her father on one side of the family and her mother on the other , Emily sat between Jeremy and Derrick , who obviously hadn 't gotten enough sleep the night before . Mass started , and Emily stood . She wondered if Jeremy had ever been in a church before , but then she pushed that thought and all others away . If she thought about him , she would get nothing out of the Mass . Somehow that felt like cheating , so she anchored her attention on the service and vowed to keep it there . The little church was nice . Far nicer than the auditorium thing his parents used to drag him to . This church had statues that looked a hundred years old or better . They were mostly white with gold etchings on them . The high - arched ceiling held delicate chandeliers which bathed the pews in soft light which was easily eclipsed by the light streaming in from the huge stained glass windows lining each side . At first Jeremy tried to catalog all of it . Finally he simply closed his eyes and let it wrap around him . It was simpler that way . Somehow the place held a peace that settled into him . It was strange because he 'd never associated church with peace . Mostly it was sitting up straight , having to be on your best behavior , putting on your best face for everyone , showing off . But this felt very , very different . His spirit relaxed inside him , and his hyperactive need to make a good impression stood down its guard . As the service progressed , it became clear that it was a good thing he had people who had done this with him because there was a lot of up and down , sit , stand , sit again . He followed as if on autopilot . It was easier that way . He tried to listen , but in truth his spirit was too intent on soaking in the peace to do much else . After a couple of readings , they sat , and the preacher stepped to the lectern . " The Gospel today tells the story of the blind beggar . Now here is a man who was born blind , and then one day Jesus happens by . Jesus notices the man and has compassion for him , but the disciples , ever the ones to miss the point entirely , use this man 's misfortune to kick him to the curb a bit further . " ' Rabbi , who sinned ? This man or his parents that he should be born blind ? ' Now blindness in the Bible is a symbol for not seeing what is essential in this life . It means you are living blindly , blindly following what the world says rather than what God says . And here is this man , stuck in his blindness , stuck in the ways of the world that do not work . " And here are the disciples wanting to know who 's to blame . But Jesus turns the question on its head . ' It was neither that this man sinned , nor his parents , but it was in order that the works of God might be displayed in him . ' What Jesus is saying is that ' Look , it doesn 't matter how he got here . What matters is what God can do through him now . ' " And so it is with us . Maybe you have made a mess of your life . Maybe you have been so caught up in the world 's tricks and traps that you can 't figure out how to even start asking for God 's peace , protection , and help . That 's okay . Jesus assures us , ' It doesn 't matter how you got here . What matters is what you do with this moment . Are you going to give this moment to God and let His glory work in your life , or are you going to sit there blind and do nothing about it ? It 's totally up to you . ' In fact , there 's even a term for it . It 's called free will . " God gave us the gift of free will so that when we choose Him , it is a free choice . He does not force us to accept the gift of grace and healing . He holds it out to each of us in the way we will most hear it , but accepting or not accepting it is always our choice . Just like the blind beggar . When Jesus puts the paste on the man 's eyes and tells him to wash , the man had a choice . He could have said , ' Well , that will never work . Who ever heard of such a thing ? ' That 's what the Pharisees say , but that 's not what the man says . Instead , he takes the leap of faith to just do what God says to do , to take this step in faith , leaving the outcome and everything else in God 's hands . " When you do that , when you put it all in God 's hand and take the next step He 's showing you , your blindness will be healed because the blindness is only a symptom of trying to do it on your own . The second you put it in God 's hands , that 's the moment you will see life as it truly is . But you have to realize that the blindness can retrench itself in us . Every moment of our lives we have the choice of moving a bit closer to heaven or a bit closer to hell . Hell is listening to the world 's assessment of the situation . Heaven is trusting God 's assessment , plans , and guidance . " It is really that simple once you do it , and really that hard until you do . " He paused and then raised his hands . " Let us stand . " Jeremy 's head was spinning with the words . How could the preacher have known he would be here today ? How could he know to use that reading and to say those words ? It was as if he was speaking directly to Jeremy and Jeremy alone . The questions and confusion stayed with him through the rest of the service , through lunch , and all the way until it was late afternoon . He couldn 't get them to leave anymore than he could get himself to leave . So after playing three games with Nathan , he took his own little leap of faith and asked Emily if they could take a walk . He needed to talk to her , not to pour out hurt , but to figure out where to go from here . Slowly they walked up the lonely dirt road leading from Emily 's house , up the mountain into the heart of the ranch . The dust made Jeremy remember her father 's boots . Dirty . It was his first impression of the man , but since then , he 'd had the chance to watch him . On the outside he might be dirty , but on the inside there was a solid character forged like tempered steel . It was a quality Jeremy couldn 't remember ever having been around . It fascinated him in a way few things ever had . " So , I guess you 're ready to get back to real life , huh ? " Emily said . Her glance over at him was only that . " Big city , fun stuff , excitement . " " No . Not really . " There was so much in his heart , he didn 't know how to open it up without it all gushing out . " I kind of like it up here actually . " Surprise jumped to her face . " Really ? I figured you were bored silly by now . Gosh , there 's nothing to do like what you 're used to . There 's not even an iPod in sight . " " No , there 's not . " Thoughts streamed through him . The slower he went the more they came . He knew she would patiently answer everything . He just didn 't know where to start . " So , I have a question for you . " " Well , I try to . I don 't know how good I really do at it . " She let out a breath . " But I know the more I do it , the better life works out . " " I don 't know . " He shook his head and let his gaze slide out to the haze that was beginning to envelope the mountains beyond . If he didn 't start back soon , he would again be facing driving in the darkness . " There 's a part of me that wants to do that - to put my life in His hands and believe He 'll handle it , but then there 's the other part of me - the one who 's seen how horrible Christians are to each other , and I just don 't know which is real . " Fear took a swipe at him . " Oh , you know . All the ' this one 's mad at that one because they don 't sing right , ' and the ' that one 's mad at that one because of something they did ten years ago . ' " He shook his head in revulsion . " We had the preacher and one of the women run off together . That one was sleeping with that one 's husband , and that one had embezzled $ 50 , 000 . If you were around long , you knew the dirt on everyone . It was pretty disgusting . " " Even the kids were hypocrites . I mean I knew kids who said they were Christians . They came to youth group and the whole thing , and then they wore T - shirts to school from concerts they went to . It 's not just that they weren 't Christian concerts , but they were like heavy metal and rap stuff that talks about drugs and living it up and how you can use women and trash them when you 're done . I don 't understand that . I mean it 's bad enough that kids who aren 't Christian go for that stuff , but when Christians do it … " " You know , just because you 're forced to go to church doesn 't necessarily mean you 're a Christian . And just because you sit in a pew for an hour or go to youth group doesn 't mean you live it . " She took two steps and one breath . " In fact that 's how the whole Bible Study thing got started . Dena and I started talking about how we 'd go to youth group and so much of it was about how bad the other religions were . It was like , ' Love everybody , but you have the right and responsibility to point out all the ways their worship is different than yours , how they are missing the boat . ' " She shook her head in disgust . " I knew Dena was a good person . I had seen her live life up close and personal . She was a good Christian even if her denomination wasn 't mine . " That 's when we started talking about it , and we came up with this idea to just get together and talk about God without all the rules junk getting in the way . " She shrugged . " It showed me that we have way more in common than things that are different . " Emily laughed at that . " It 's so much deeper than that . Talking about that stuff would be boring . " For a moment she paused to get the words lined up . " No . We talk about what God is doing in our lives , how awesome He is , how incredible it is to live in His love and His grace . " She seemed to float for a moment , and then the words stopped . She looked at him shyly . " Sorry . " He laughed his acknowledgement . " Okay , back then I did think you were a little weird , but I 'd just never heard anybody be that excited about God before . Everybody I knew thought it was a chore you had to do to in order to earn points to get into Heaven . " " That 's so shallow . It so keeps people on the surface . " She ran her hand through the air . " In fact , I think religion is one of Satan 's best ways of keeping us from finding God . " She shrugged . " Well , if I 'm fighting to get you to see how your rules are wrong , and you 're fighting to get me to see how my rules are wrong , two things happen . One , neither of us are focused on God and what He 's doing , and two , we 're scaring people like Jeremy away from even wanting to believe there is God - much less from telling him how much God loves him . " This was getting harder to formulate answers because he was going deeper into himself than he ever had . " Trusting and peaceful . You have a hope - like tomorrow will be worth living even if you don 't know quite how today . " He shook his head . " I don 't know . I 'm not good at putting it into words . " " Yeah . " The word was a breath . " You talk about the Holy Spirit like He 's right there with you , like He 's your best friend or something . I 've never heard anybody do that before . It 's like all the other Christians I 've met are so intent on impressing you with their rules and their holiness that they forget to bring God along . I just want to ask , ' And where 's God in all of this ? ' " " No . " He laughed softly . " You just talk , just like ' Oh , me and God were talking the other night and … ' You talk to Him like I talk to Eric . " They had gotten to the end of the trail , and Emily veered off and sat down by the white fence there . Carefully Jeremy lowered himself to the ground next to her . " Now … " He took a breath and let his gaze take in the breathtaking scene stretched in front of them . If Heaven could have been any more beautiful , he wouldn 't know how . " Now I don 't think I ever want to leave . " He sat for a minute and then looked over at her . She didn 't say anything for a long moment . Then she looked right at him . " Do you have to ? " The thought that her parents might not understand or that they might understand too much never crossed Emily 's mind as Jeremy leaned toward her . All she could think was how perfectly in place he looked sitting there next to her , and how she never wanted that to end . His lips brushed hers gently , and her head spun with such a feeling of safety and peace she thought she might never come down . One kiss . One brush with his hand , and he pulled back . When she opened her eyes , he was gazing at her . Logistics escaped both of them . The logistics proved not to be overwhelming . Jeremy was about Nathan 's size , just a bit smaller , so clothing wasn 't an issue . Derrick 's shoes fit him , and since Michael had his own place , the bedding situation was easily solved as well . The only thing that was a bit of a hurdle was Emily 's dad . He didn 't seem particularly excited about Jeremy 's extended stay ; however , her mom smoothed it over , and by Monday morning Jeremy was out at the stables helping Emily with chores . " Here , you grab this bale . I 'll get this one . " With a yank , Emily jerked the yellow rectangle from the stack and started through the stables . Jeremy grabbed the other one and yanked , but it was much heavier than he had anticipated . It took a second yank to get it up from the stack . " Gee , remind me not to pick a fight with you . " " Why 's that ? " Emily threw the bale to the ground , whipped out a silvery tool . With two clicks the bale fell apart . She picked up three pieces of it , opened one stall , and put it in the feeding bin . " She - woman , huh ? " Emily closed that stall and went to the next . She patted the chestnut colt 's head . " Good morning , Liberty . Wow . Have you gotten big ! " She slipped into the stall and put out the feed . Jeremy couldn 't help but notice the low pigtails sliding down her shoulders . She looked ultra - casual in a countrified way , but he realized you don 't really have to get dressed up to feed animals . Just the smell was enough to roil his stomach . It was a blessing that for the moment the pancakes and sausage were staying down . She snapped the wire on the next bale and continued feeding the horses . His gaze chanced over to a rack of guns stashed behind a wall of glass and curiosity overtook him . " Oh , yeah . I 'm coming . " He glanced back at the guns , knowing there was more . Somewhere down deep his spirit resolved to ask . Holy Spirit , help me find the words to find out what 's really going on with her . Jeremy was exhausted by the time they ate lunch , but he wasn 't going to let them know his energy was flagging badly . After lunch , he took his dishes to the sink in perfect imitation of everyone there and took his place beside her at the sink . A dish then two and he took a breath to steady the thought of helping her . He took the dish she held out to him . " Oh , I wouldn 't know about that . Depends how much else you have planned for me to do today . " She handed him another dish . " Well , we 've got to help Daddy with moving the calves to the North end , then we 've got to go into town for tonight 's groceries , and make supper . I also need to get the stables cleaned out , but that may have to wait ' til tomorrow . " By five - thirty he knew why she had laughed . The moving the calves thing had sounded so simple . They were in one pen . They just had to be moved to another pen . But riding horses was easier than it looked , and the calves all seemed to have minds of their own - minds that told them to do whatever the herders wanted them not to do . To say Jeremy was sore by the time they got back to the stables would 've been like saying the Eiffel Tower is a historic landmark . His legs hurt . His back hurt . His feet even hurt , which was odd because he hadn 't walked in four hours . Carefully he slid off the horse , and the ache turned to a jellylike feeling all up and down his body . " You okay , Roy Rogers ? " Emily asked with a grin as she slid from her mount . Her bent - up straw cowboy hat pushed her pigtails even lower . She came around and took his horse to lead them to the tie - up post . She was already trailing two other horses behind her . In quick succession she tied the horses and went about taking their saddles and accessories off . Jeremy couldn 't believe how strong she was . The saddles weren 't light by any stretch , and by now his whole body felt like a wet noodle so that the energy it took to haul the saddle into the barn to the tack room nearly did him in . She however looked like this was a breeze . " I think I 'm going to sit down , " Jeremy said , lowering himself to a bale of hay by the wall when he reemerged from the tack room . He knew he should help her . His spirit was willing , but his body just wouldn 't cooperate . It was like a spent sponge . He watched her put everything else up and take the horses one - by - one back to their stalls . When that was done , she brushed off her hands and her jeans . " I have to go get the other two from Daddy . You want to come ? " Jeremy heaved a sigh as he leaned back onto the scratchy wood of the stable wall . He tried to talk himself into moving , but it just wasn 't happening . The most he could do was blink . He should 've felt bad , but all he could feel was stiff and exhausted . She walked out , and he heard the thump of the barn door . He leaned further into the hard , scratchy wood of the wall and closed his eyes . Never had simply sitting felt so good . However , from around the corner , in walked not Emily but Brock . With one scowl on the preppy face , Jeremy knew he was unwelcome here . He sat up with effort . Brock looked at him with derision . Then he looked back at the guns . He opened the cabinet and pulled one out . Checking it over , he glanced at Jeremy . Knowing how this game was best played , Jeremy stood behind Brock and admired the stash of guns . He hooked his hands under his armpits and widened his stance . " So you collect them , huh ? " Jeremy shrugged . " Nothing . I 've just always thought it was cool . My dad and I used to go hunting in Montana . Trace Taylor 's ranch . " " Yeah . We never really shot much of anything . It was more vacation for my dad , perk from the bank , that kind of thing . " The truth was he 'd only heard about the hunting trips , but he knew enough about the owner of the hunting grounds to use it to impress Brock . Brock was trying very hard to be unimpressed . " Yeah , I 've heard of it . " He looked down the sight again . " So , you 're here with Emily then ? " There was something of disbelief clouding that question . " Oh . " Brock nodded , but the hard edge never left his voice . He replaced that gun and took out another . " So you 're into animals then ? " The contempt in Brock 's eyes and the snide laugh went through Jeremy like a hot knife . " Not worth the trouble 's what I 'd call it . " He seemed to consider the statement . " Not that she 's not now . She was looking plenty hot at the dance the other night . " The gulp this time had nothing to do with fear of Brock and everything to do with how she was looking at him . There was only a miniscule shake of her head . Then her gaze lowered , and she dragged the saddle over into the tack room . " Well , I 'm outta here , " Brock said . He put the gun back and closed the case with a snap . " I 'll see you around . " " Yeah . Around . " Jeremy barely realized he was talking , and in seconds Brock was gone . Carefully Jeremy walked to the tack room . Each step held as much pain for his heart as for his body . He got to the door just as Emily stormed out . She was walking without really paying attention to where . Had he not spun away as she came out , she would 've walked right over the top of him . Panic surged into him as he followed her . " Hey , Em . Is everything all right ? Are you okay ? " Except for seeing Jeremy talking to Brock , which was a far bigger shock than she wanted to dwell on , Emily was really enjoying Jeremy 's visit . She liked watching him on the horse . It was good for a laugh . She liked doing chores with him . Although he didn 't know much about horses and he didn 't really know much about the operation in general , still he was at least willing to try . As they cleared the supper dishes , Emily stole a glance at him . He was talking with her father about the financial aspects of the operation - production costs , outflow , return on investments , options held , diversification strategies . Things she would never understand . Still , she could sit and listen to him for hours even about bone - numbingly dry topics like finances . Washing the dishes while listening to him made the task all - but do itself , and before she knew it , she was finished . Careful not to disturb them , she crossed through the tiny eating area and headed for her room . She needed a shower and a clean set of clothes . At least then she wouldn 't smell like the stables . The thought brought up the image of Jeremy talking with Brock . Hot fury spread through her . She wanted to ask what that was about , but she didn 't dare . There were too many paths that conversation could go down that she 'd rather not travel . She 'd had lots of practice at sliding through the shower in mere minutes , and she was out in no time , headed back to her room - bathrobe on and hair up in an old ratty towel . " Hey , Em , " he half - whispered , and she spun as if caught in an armed robbery . " I 'm going to take a quick shower , and then I 'll meet you on the porch . K ? " " Okay , " she squeaked out and turned for her room . For the next 15 minutes she wondered what he had in mind . The brush was like a plane on autopilot as it slid through her hair . Excitement about seeing him was eclipsed only by concern over the tone in his voice when he asked . When she was presentable again , she angled her way out of her room and down the hallway . Her parents were in the living room talking , and her steps slowed the closer she got . Carefully she anchored her arms over her stomach , wondering what to do . " I 'd never thought about bringing up the profit margins like that , " her dad said . " I 'm going to mention it to Mr . Wycliff in the morning . It 's an excellent idea . " Emily stuck her hands in her back pockets , hating to eavesdrop , and walked into the room as if she had never broken stride . " Don 't mind me . I 'm just going out to do some star gazing . " She made it all the way to the door . Her mother 's smile told her all she needed to know . Quickly she wrenched the knob and fled out into the cool darkness . It truly was magical . Because of how the house was situated in relation to the surrounding area , no lights other than those from the picture window were visible . It was almost like being the only living being on the planet . She put her hands up on her arms to ward off the cold , glad she had opted for the blue and brown cable - knit sweater , as she sat down on the little glider . Tiredness from the day washed over her . She leaned her head to one side and then the other to get the kinks out . It felt good to just sit . The squeak of the door pulled her attention that direction as her heart filled her chest . " Yeah , I heard . " She pushed a strand of hair over her ear , put her hands to each side of the glider , and pushed her shoulders up by straightening her arms . Having him around always did funny things to her insides . He came over but didn 't sit . " What do you say we go for a walk ? " He put out his hand , and like it was a real decision she picked up her hand and placed it in his , her gaze never leaving his face . She stood , and in the next breath , he pulled her to his side . Arm - in - arm they stepped down the three wooden steps to the gravel driveway . Neither spoke until they were headed off the gravel path and down the hill that led away from the house . " Oh . " She kept walking , but now this seemed more serious than she had expected . It was hard , however , to keep her mind on the conversation and away from the thoughts of how good he smelled all clean and right out of the shower . She willed her thoughts away from that as she tried to get concern over the anticipatory excitement flooding through her . " So you 're not going back to see your dad ? " He walked three sliding steps before he answered . " Because the only reason I 'm taking it is to make my dad happy , and I 've lived the part about me being miserable to make him happy long enough . " Two steps and he looked up at the stars dotting the night sky before continuing . " I went to Boston Central because he wanted me to . I majored in business because he said it was smart . The only thing I did for me was marketing , and I haven 't heard the end of that decision yet . " I didn 't see it until this weekend , but I haven 't made a single real decision for myself or for my life maybe in forever . I listened to him because he was Lloyd Stratton , big time investment lawyer . I thought he knew best , but now I think he may know best for someone else , but he doesn 't really know me at all . " Us . It sounded so real , so permanent . Panic seized her . Did she want an us ? Did she want him scheduling his life around hers ? Was that fair to him ? Was it smart ? They were now down in the valley , the field stretched before them . Jeremy steered them down the small dirt path that lay along the edge of the field . Emily felt his glance but was having so much trouble with the questions going around and around in her mind , she couldn 't be concerned with what it meant . It took her a moment to assess the question . It was overwhelming in scope . She brushed the hair out of her face that snagged on the breeze . " Well , I 'm going to summer school this year to pick up a few more classes . Then I graduate in December . Then … " Nervousness at what came next in her scenario slithered through her stomach . She let her gaze travel to the stars so she wouldn 't have to look at him when she said it . " Then I want to come back here and be the game warden or the ranch 's hunting coordinator . " They turned into the grass blanketing the field . She still didn 't know where they were going , and in truth she didn 't have enough spare brain cells at the moment to really care . Midway down the grass - covered field , Jeremy stopped . Without really asking , he pulled her down with him so they were facing the mountains and the stars that both seemed very far away and very close at the same time . The rest of reality receded behind them . The ground was cold , but he laid down first and pulled her onto his chest . She put her hand across him , and as weird as the set up was , it was very comfortable . " Yeah , " she said softly . Moments long since relegated to the past slipped over her . " I used to sit out here by myself a lot . " There was more , but it stopped at the top of her chest . Her eyes fell closed on the memories , and with a grimace she pushed them away from her . She hadn 't thought of that time in forever , and she certainly didn 't want to think about it now , out here , with him . Although he sounded interested and not accusatory , the question slammed into her , scattering the memories and the dam holding them back . Her gaze fell from the stars to the blackness below them . Desperately she fought to push the memories into their hole even as they sprang up like a geyser . She tried to breathe , to think of something logical to say that would answer everything , but all she found were the memories . It was clear he 'd put a lot of pieces together - too many . Trying not to completely lose it , Emily sat up and scooted across the soft grass away from him . The distance felt good , but it wasn 't enough . She put a shaky hand to her forehead and tried to pull in a good breath . It didn 't work . Instead it dragged anguished tears out of her heart . She slammed her eyes closed . She didn 't want to cry . She couldn 't . If she ever started , they might never stop . Forcing the air in and out slowly , she fought the onrush of her past even as it swamped logic , reality , and everything else . Jeremy sat up next to her as the pain reached the surface . In her heart she begged him to stop asking , to go away and leave her to the pain . It was better that way . Safer . In one blinding flash all the pent up grief surfaced . She gasped it back , but it overtook her in a rush . Her heart arched and pitched , fighting to keep the emotions down , but they were too many and too strong . The middle of her heaved with their fury . Doubling over it , she fought to keep it down . She felt his hand on her back , drifting there , tender and knowing . It killed her to know he had guessed , that he now knew . Nothing would ever be the same between them again , and she hated that . " It was a long time ago , " she whispered as if that settled the matter . She was losing the battle , but still she fought . If she could just get all the feelings back down , she might make it through this without breaking right in two . " Emily . " Jeremy seemed to be struggling not to scream at her yet his voice was barely above a whisper . " I want to know … I want to know what happened . " She shook her head at that as the emotions overwhelmed her . The closer he moved toward her , the farther away she wanted to get . " No , you don 't . " Tears flooded over the banks of her resolve , coursing down the same paths they had years before . She looked up to the heavens in desperation . If she could just turn back time so he could never have learned the truth … Please , God , make the hurt stop . Emily could hardly breathe much less speak , and it took more than a moment to be able to get anything out . Then with great effort she pushed the fact that this was happening away from her and said the words she had long since forgotten to remember . " We moved here in February of my junior year . " This was better , she realized . If she just stepped back objectively , she could say the words and not feel them . Numbness clamped over everything else , and she took a ragged breath . " He was a senior . I was a junior . I had never really had a boyfriend before that . I 'd never even been out on a date . Then one day out of the blue he started talking to me . " She wrapped her arms around herself to shut out the cold , but she was shivering anyway . Rocking back and forth without realizing it , she forced the words out . " I thought he really liked me , you know ? That maybe I 'd found a real boyfriend . We went out a couple times , just with his friends , nothing big . It was nice . Not fireworks and thrills , but nice . And then he asked me to the prom . " This breath curled her shoulders over the rest of her . It hurt just to remember how utterly stupidly excited she had been . " I was so excited … Like this was my dream come true . My prince come to rescue me . " Her laugh was hollow and numb . " My family had never had a lot of money , and the fact that he did … well , that added to his charm I guess . The night of the prom , I got all dressed up in this stupid pink satin dress , and we took pictures and everything . The meal was nice I guess . I don 't really remember that part too much . And then when the dance started … " She stopped , realizing she couldn 't go on . A moment , then two , and she blew out the air in her lungs , forcing the tears back into their dungeon . " He asked me if I wanted to go with him up to the drop off . " She shook her head and glanced back at Jeremy . " And like the idiot I was , I went . " The memories enveloped her again , and she closed her eyes to them . There was no reason to lie anymore . What she hadn 't said he had clearly guessed . " I don 't know what I expected , but we were out on this deserted road , and it was raining . I couldn 't have gotten back if I 'd have had a map , which I didn 't . " She pursed her lips at her own stupidity . " He started kissing me and telling me he wanted me and everything . " Ache crashed over her again , and she squeezed her eyes closed against its assault . " I didn 't want to , but I couldn 't get away from him . There was nowhere to go . " The story faded out . She couldn 't bring herself to relive the gory details much less to say them . Some she remembered , most she had blocked out . It didn 't matter , he knew now . " When it was over , he took me home . By Monday morning I was annoying trash to him and everyone else , and it 's been that way ever since . " She laughed . " He was Brock Wycliff . Who was going to arrest him ? Besides , things got worse before I had the chance to get my head on straight . " Guilt meshed with the shame . " Michael was a senior , and he started getting in all these fights at school . He was in trouble all the time . Mom and Dad flipped out . They thought he was mad we had moved again . They grounded him and had him working all the time . He almost got suspended , and then Dad found the first kill . " Emily wiped at her eyes . " Yeah . That 's what they call them when they find something that 's been hunted and left . It was a little doe . She 'd been shot in the head , twice . Two days later they found a buck with the head missing . " Emily sniffed back the tears . " Brock has a little side venture . He takes his buddies or whoever out hunting - in season , out of season . It doesn 't really matter to him . They shoot whatever moves until they get something they want to keep . Everybody knows about it , but nobody does anything because he 's Brock Wycliff . " Emily sniffed again and put her head down . " No . Michael was trying to protect me - my reputation . " She laughed derisively . " Like that was possible . I started getting all these weird phone calls and guys started saying stuff at school . " The shrug truly looked as if it didn 't matter . " I guess word got out about me . " " Huh . Sure feels like I did . " Her single glance at him tore through his heart . The smile she wore was sad and knowing . She was ripped , bleeding , wounded and marred and there was not one thing he could do about it . " I thought I was going to go crazy at first . I really did . Everything was just spinning and spinning and spinning . I couldn 't concentrate on classes . I couldn 't carry on a conversation to save my life . Mom and Dad were yelling at each other about Michael and the ranch and moving . I just couldn 't get a handle on anything . I thought I was losing my mind . " The words wound to a stop , and Jeremy waited for them to start again . When they didn 't , he leveled his gaze on her . " Did you ever tell them ? " Slowly side - to - side her head moved . " I couldn 't . They 'd always been so proud of me . How could I tell them I was the town tramp ? " " Em . " Her name was barely a breath . " You aren 't a tramp . He used his power and money , and he took advantage of you . " " No . " The word was sad and hushed . The sniff was more a breath . " I wanted him to like me . I wanted to be popular like all the girls at my other school . I knew he 'd been drinking that night . I knew it . I was there before prom when him and his buddies were taking shots and playing chandeliers . I even got in with him to go to the prom knowing he was wasted … I was so stupid . " She put her hand to her eyes and closed them together . " That 's what I remember most , you know ? The smell of the alcohol . It was so thick . It was like I was going to drown in it . It was like I knew it had taken over everything - him , his sanity , me , my choices . I just wanted him to stop , but I couldn 't reason with him , and he was so much stronger than I was … " As the tears came again , Jeremy turned her to him gently and pulled her into his embrace . He couldn 't erase the memories , but he could hold her now . And he was determined to do that - as inconsequential as it seemed . She collapsed into him , and he held her there as her anguish and helplessness transferred into his spirit . He , too , wanted to do something to stop her pain , but it had been so long ago . What could he do now ? Then his thoughts tumbled onto an understanding that dragged him up short . His own eyes fell closed against the pain it dredged up . Not only did she hate him because of the money , she hated him for the drinking as well . Pieces snapped into place , and each one was like a charge leveled against him . The night after Fire & Ice , she 'd driven him home . Why ? It had never occurred to him to even ask the question until now . And he 'd been mad at her . How arrogant was that ? Here she was trying not to relive the pain , and he was doing everything possible to bring it back up . The thoughts of her sitting in that club , watching him drink , knowing how much he 'd had and getting more fearful with each passing drink hit him with a hard thwack . No wonder she had freaked at his apartment . No wonder . " Oh , Emily . I 'm so sorry . " The words gushed from his heart . " I 'm so sorry , baby . I didn 't know . " He looked at her as torment stabbed into him . " But I did . I knew you 'd been hurt , but I never thought … I never understood … Jeez , I 've been such an idiot . You must hate me . " It was his turn to back up . He slammed his eyes closed against the accusations he had no arguments to dismiss . " Look at me . I 'm everything you hate . " His eyes came open then , and they traced back and forth as understanding washed over understanding . He linked his arms over his knees . " I 'm a rich , spoiled brat who thinks the world owes him whatever he wants . " When he looked at her , he couldn 't hold her gaze . His fell to his wrists as he shook his head at his stupidity . " I thought this was about you . I thought all the times we hit bumps was because of you , but it wasn 't . Was it ? " One look at her told him everything . He stumbled to his feet and took two steps away from her into the deepening night . Staring up at the stars , he put his hands on the back of his head . The night around them was indeed beautiful , and he 'd never seen any of that beauty until her . Now … How could he ask her to stay with him ? Ask ? He 'd all - but told her she was . His arrogance just got deeper and deeper until he was sure there was no bottom to it . He felt her step up beside him , and his spirit fell into the hopelessness of even saying the words as his hands fell from his head to his sides . Still he had to say it , just so she could make a real choice . His gaze stayed on the stars because he couldn 't look at her and say the words . " Look , I have no right to ask this , and if you tell me no … Well , I 'll understand . " He licked his lips because they felt like cotton . If she said no , this would be the end of a dream he hadn 't even realized he 'd been dreaming . If she said no , there would never be any future he wanted to live . It hurt to acknowledge that , but he knew it was true . " When I 'm with you , I see life so differently , " he said , the words floating from the center of his spirit . " When I 'm with you , I see how life could be not just how it is . It 's where I want to live . I want to see the world like you do . I want to see the possibilities and to believe they 're real . " Frustration trounced on him . " Ugh . I 'm not saying this right . " He shook his head in disgust at himself and scratched the side of his head . Then desperate for the chance to make his appeal to her soul , he turned and took her arms in his hands . Her sorrow - filled , confused gaze searched his . " Emily , I need you . I do . I need you to show me how to live where you do . I don 't know how to do that without you . " The possibility of losing her forever drifted through him , and tears came to his heart because this might be the last time he got to look into those beautiful eyes . " Please . Please , don 't give up on me . I need you too much . " Never had Emily seen all the way to the bottom of someone 's soul , but she knew as she gazed into the sad vulnerability pleading with her from his deep brown eyes , she was seeing it now . He looked vulnerable and terrified as if she really might break his heart right then and there . It was more honesty than she 'd ever seen . Softly she shook her head and smiled at him . " Hey , do you know how many times I 've wanted to tell you to get lost ? " She laughed as tears stung her eyes . " I 've told myself so many times that you 're everything I thought I didn 't want in my life . " " But I couldn 't do it . I can 't because I can 't get you out of my head and my heart and my dreams . You 're a part of me now , and as hard as I 've tried to make that not be true , the more I realize it is . " Her eyes took in the spark of hope deep inside him . " I can 't imagine living my life without you either . " She nodded . " Really . " And then she was in his arms , clutching him to her , feeling their souls meld together . Wherever life took them when they walked out of this field , they would walk there together . She knew that with every piece of herself at that moment . It was a good thing he was holding her , or she would 've floated right off the earth . " I don 't know . Half as much as I love you ? " Then seriousness dropped between them , and she knew he was going to kiss her . His hold on her relaxed , and when he leaned toward her , it was gently , softly a question rather than a demand . Sensing what he was telling her , she closed her eyes and let him come . The moment his lips met hers , she could hear the angels singing in the night sky above them . It was as if all of Heaven was cheering the uniting of their paths . Tuesday was a blur of happiness and furtive looks - just to make sure . Jeremy saw it in her eyes every time they made the connection . Her shy had turned from self - defensive to more teasing and bashful , and he loved it . He could see her thoughts about him being there with her , and it made his heart dance . He wasn 't there because she felt sorry for him . He was there because she wanted him to be , and the trust that took was not lost on him . He had gotten his second chance to be the man she needed him to be , and he wasn 't going to let such a blessing slip by unnoticed . No , this time he was going to do things differently . More differently than he ever had . This time his comfort and his wishes would be second to hers . Her happiness and peace were his new goals , and he was determined to go to the ends of the earth to give her what she 'd given him . He would take what had gone so horribly wrong and somehow , he would find a way to make it right . By Wednesday afternoon , although he hated to leave her with the chores , studying once again resurfaced on the reality of his life . He no longer had the cushion of a job with his daddy 's company to rely on . Now he was on his own , and as liberating as that felt , it was also a bit scary . Could he really do it on his own ? Studying , really learning the information , had never felt so important . Nathan was tearing it up on the X - box , and Derrick was working on a paper in his room . Jeremy realized quickly that taking notes from the little tape recorder he 'd brought in case he had time and got bored was futile with that much activity around . Emily was out with her dad herding more cattle into the pass - whatever that meant . It had to do with horses , and that was enough information to scare him and his sore body away . However , he did want to be there when she got back , so he took his books and walked down to the stables . It would be quiet down there . He would be able to get plenty of work done . In the stables he set up his work station on a bale of hay and smiled at how drastically his life had changed . Who would 've guessed he 'd feel so at home on a bale of hay ? Pushing those thoughts away , he got down to business transferring the spoken lecture to notes he could actually study . He had just flipped the tape over to the other side of the little mini - recorder when he heard the squeak of the barn door . His hand was still on the recorder as he looked up and realized it was not Emily but Brock . All movement slammed to a stop . Even Brock seemed to slow his strides when he saw Jeremy sitting there . " Oh , hey , " Brock said , and Jeremy had never felt such seething hate for anyone . Smooth and suave . What girl wouldn 't have fallen for every line he used ? Even his walk was conceited . It made Jeremy sick just to think about this jerk 's hands on Emily . Well , he might have taken advantage of a young , defenseless girl , but he 'd met his match here . The best part was , he didn 't even know it . It was crystal clear to Jeremy that Brock was trying not to be impressed , and equally clear that he was . Jeremy went back to his typing although carefully he pushed the record button on the recorder rather than the play button . Whatever notes he missed would be well worth it . Jeremy laughed . " Not much of one . I 've never actually got much more than a rabbit or two . " A plan started to form in his thoughts . " But I think it would be off the chain to have something really big , you know ? Something real impressive to put up on the wall . " He shrugged . " Not that I 'm good enough to ever get something like that . " " Oh , yeah , tell me about it . I 've heard of guys paying ten grand or more for a good one . " He was literally shooting in the dark , but the interest on Brock 's face told him he was in the ballpark . He wasn 't really looking at Brock . In fact , his attention seemed to be on the notes on his laptop , but actually it was squarely on his target across the room . " Heck , I 'd be willing to fork over some serious cash for one even if I wasn 't the one who actually got it . " The polishing slowed as Brock sized Jeremy up . It was all Jeremy could do not to fall into the trap of breaking his disinterested posture ; however , he kept his gaze on the laptop as if he wasn 't even really paying attention to the conversation . He hit the arrow key twice just to have something to do . " Getting you something for your wall . It could be arranged . " There was a cockiness to every move Brock made that said he knew nothing could touch him . " Wow . Just like that ? " Then a thought occurred to Jeremy . " But aren 't you supposed to hunt in the daytime ? What 's the point of going at night ? You can 't see anything anyway . " It was a serious question , and it was meant only as that . Putting that gun back , Brock shook his head . He took two steps to where Jeremy sat and put his foot up on the hay bale . Anchoring his elbow on his knee , he narrowed his eyes and hiked one eyebrow . " Ever heard of spotlighting ? " Information and lots of it was what Jeremy needed most . The second Brock left , he turned his attention to the Internet on the laptop . Thank God for wireless . However , only a few clicks into his search he heard the barn door squeak again , and his attention jumped to it . " Waiting for you of course . " Jeremy closed the laptop . He wasn 't sure about letting Emily in on this plan , and until he made a firm decision , he was going to err on the side of caution . " Are you finished with the herding thing ? " Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . View all posts by Staci Stallings → This entry was posted in A Little Piece of Heaven , Novels and tagged A Little Piece of Heaven , Christian Romance , YA . Bookmark the permalink . ← A Little Piece of Heaven , Ch . 21 & 22 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Lydia Hernandez pursed her lips to even out her lipstick . She hated lipstick , especially red lipstick ; any shade of red made her look like a tiny Chicana tart . Pale red muted that only a little . Lydia was headed off to a job interview and everything she 'd ever heard about what a proper businesswoman looked like was that she wore lipstick . She wanted to make a good impression , so she wore lipstick . She ran her fingers lovingly over her beautiful black dress ; carefully smoothing wrinkles only she could see . The dress was very chic , very fashionable . Expensively chic and fashionable . It was the most expensive dress she 'd ever owned . The dress was basic black , with a dusting of embroidered flowers in yellow and blue , gold and red , across the bodice . It was the prettiest dress she 'd ever owned . She wanted to cry , looking at her image in the mirror . She had loved the dress the instant she 'd seen it three weeks before at Goldwater 's . The price would have left her aghast before , but it didn 't make any difference any more , did it ? So she 'd bought it . Afterwards , Lydia felt horribly guilty about her extravagance and hadn 't worn the dress at all . " Lydia Hernandez , " she whispered to herself , " it 's about time to make up your mind once and for all . Are you going to do this ? Really ? " When she was little and growing up , Momma had told her how beautiful her hair was and how important it was that she should take care of it . Taking care of her hair had consisted of getting out a brush and stroking it fifty or a hundred times mornings and nights . Never , ever , did taking care of her hair entail getting it cut . She 'd gone through eight years of grammar school , four years of high school and six plus years of college before she realized what taking care of her hair really meant . Momma had always been there to help brush the lustrous black wave , to help braid it . After a while , Lydia 's twin sisters , five years younger than she was , had practiced on each other - - and Lydia . With four people taking care of the rain of black silk that fell lower than some hemlines , she 'd never realized what a commitment it was . Now she had to do deal with it alone ; there was just her . Hair as long as hers required care every day . Washing her hair was a major project ; combing it afterwards was an ordeal . At least if you were doing it yourself for almost the first time in your life . Twice in the last five months she 'd thought about having it cut , but there were some ties to the past she wasn 't ready to sever . How was she going to handle it if she had to work ? On top of the guilt trip about contemplating getting her hair cut , she was wondering what it was going to be like to go every day to a job , if this interview turned out as she wanted . Or how she thought she wanted it to turn out . That made her feel even worse . All Lydia 's life she could remember Poppa waking up in the morning and getting ready for work . There was no reason to be ashamed of having to work for a living ! Certainly she had every expectation that someday she 'd be doing that herself . Then five months and seven days and four hours and ten minutes ago her comfortable world had crashed . Momma and Poppa had both been killed in a car accident when Momma was taking Poppa to work , as she did any day she wanted to use the family car . March 9th , 1982 had been the turning point of Lydia 's life , of the lives of her brothers and sisters . Like the rest of her family , Lydia had grieved for weeks over the death of her parents . But , in the middle of the first week , even before the funeral , she found out that Poppa had left them something to remember him by . He 'd been insured for a truly monumental sum . Monumental sum . The words , heard often at first , made her ill even now , five months later . Her father would never have said that they were poor , but their family was far from rich . Poppa had made it clear that he expected them all to do better than he had . Lydia had never thought about it ; school and a profession was what she wanted for herself as well . Poppa had been proud of her , so very proud . She knew how hard he worked to provide her college money and she wanted to make him proud of how well she did . But , after they were dead , she learned that he 'd paid extra , out of pocket , for additional life insurance - - a million dollars on himself and the same on Momma . The million dollars had been a shock ; the million dollars on Momma had been another shock . The lawyer for the city employees union explained about the double indemnity provision - - if either was killed in an accident , the face amount was doubled - - two million . She had been stunned , beyond reason , beyond speech . And then the lawyer explained the double double indemnity clause - - if they both died in the same accident , the sum was doubled again . A Las Vegas jackpot gone wild , at a cost so awful as to be beyond imagination . If she hadn 't felt responsible for her brothers and sisters , she was sure she 'd have refused the money . She 'd have given it to charity or something - - anything but keep it . But that kind of money is a duty , in and of itself . She had no right to throw away the patrimony of her brothers and sisters , even if she thought it was going to destroy them . It had been only a few months and she could already see that her fears about what the money was going to do to them wasn 't idle ; it had already begun to destroy their family . Up until her parents death , they had at least paid lip service to being close - knit . Now the family had fissioned . Her older brother , Rodrigo , had moved away from home two years before the accident . Poppa had left him the house in trust for his younger brothers and sisters . Rod had moved back in and , charitably , the example he was setting was not a good one . Lydia decided she had to get the little ones away from that environment , and she had . She bought a rambling ranch - style tri - level house out on the edge of the suburbs . It cost over forty - five thousand dollars , but that was small change compared to what Poppa had left her . But at least they had gotten out of the old house ; escaped the old neighborhood . Her twin seventeen - year - old sisters had stayed behind . They both said they wanted to finish high school at their old school . They only had another year left and they said that they didn 't want to leave their friends . Friends ? Every male in school , every male within four or five miles , knew if he could convince either of her twin sisters to uncross her legs , even once , he would have to do the " right " thing and marry her . Of course , the fact that on their eighteenth birthday each of her twin sisters would inherit more than two thirds of a million dollars did not bear on their thinking in the least bit . Sure - - and the grass is blue and the sky is green . Poppa hadn 't been blind or stupid . He 'd divided the money up between his children . Nearly half went to Lydia and a twelfth to each of the others , except Rodrigo , who got only two hundred thousand . He 'd left instructions that made it clear that she was to use the extra money to take care of any of her brothers and sisters who got into trouble , a last resort . Lydia had been half a semester away from completing her thesis for her doctorate in computer science at Arizona State . After the accident she pled personal problems and her mentor / thesis advisor said that he understood and had done the things needed to cover her at the university . But that had been three months ago , after she 'd struggled to finish the classes for the semester that she absolutely had to . Her apologies were wearing a little thin , because she hadn 't reapplied for the fall semester . When she was a little girl growing up , she learned to read leaning over Poppa 's shoulder as he read to Rodrigo . She 'd been allowed to sit with them , although the consensus was that she was too young to read . In fact , she had learned to read before Rodrigo , even though he was nearly two years older than she was . Through grade school and high school Lydia hardly had to study . She finished number two in her high school graduating class , right behind her best , and only , friend , Sarah Fong . Where Lydia was smart , Sarah was brilliant . Where Lydia hardly had to study , her friend crammed morning , noon and night . Lydia had been carried away for the first few years of her friendship with Sarah . She wanted so much to be just like Sarah ! Almost from the start , things hadn 't quite worked out like Lydia expected . Lydia studied , but not the hours Sarah did - - there was too much work to do for a family as big as Lydia 's . Sarah had a burning ambition to go to a big league school and major in mathematics . Lydia didn 't have any real ambition at all . Poppa never pressured her to become an engineer , but she knew that it would please him if she did . It wasn 't what Lydia wanted , but then , what did she want ? She wasn 't even smart enough to ask herself the question ! She didn 't love math the way Sarah did , but Lydia did like hard courses - - they were fun . All of the advisors and most of her teachers told Lydia how hard it was in Engineering and how much harder it was for women . And , for those women who made the grade , it was harder still to stay . So , in the end , Lydia had signed up as an engineering major when she started at Arizona State , as much to spite the " you can 't do it " reasoning as anything else . She came to like the professor who taught the Engineering Problems class . He was on loan from the math department and was very different from her other teachers . The class was as much an introduction to computer programming as about engineering problems and she found she liked computers and programming , both . The professor was impressed with her work and was looking for a bright pupil who would reflect well on him . Lydia signed up as his graduate assistant even before she finished her BS . She 'd gone on to get her Masters and she was nearly finished with her doctoral thesis . Lydia realized that she 'd been drifting , letting other people decide what she should do . She enjoyed computers and programming , but she wasn 't sure what she wanted to do with her life . Reflecting on what she liked the most , Lydia realized that it was when there was a problem to solve that she perked up . Finding an obscure bug made her day , the more obscure the better . She stared at herself one last time in the mirror . She 'd tried to keep everything from affecting her . She 'd tried to lie to herself and say that she had succeeded . What a joke ! Even this lovely dress ! It was shorter than Lydia liked , coming just below her knees . " It 's unfashionably long , so it 's on sale , " the clerk had told her , apologetically . That was her . Unfashionable . Unfashionable , if short . A person who believed that a dress that came six inches below her knees was risquè . She pulled and tugged to smooth out a few more wrinkles . Everybody told her that she was too skinny , but she 'd never felt that - - although she wouldn 't have minded being gifted with something in the bosom department . Even Rico , fourteen , had his head screwed on right , although he did want to play football . Of all of the kids , Rico had been happiest to move out to the suburbs . He was sure that he was a shoe - in to make the varsity at his new school . At their old school , he wasn 't even being considered . The two boys didn 't mind staying home to watch their two younger sisters , although they did take turns . Both of her younger brothers were fiercely protective of their little sisters . Diego saw her and whistled . " Hey , Lydia ! Terrific ! " How many sixteen - year - olds spend their summers studying books on electronics ? Diego would have been the apple of Poppa 's eye ! He was going to be a good electronics engineer some day ! Rico looked up from his own book and smiled . He was even quieter than Lydia had been at his age . Rico 's fondness for contact sports aside , his grades were every bit as good as hers or Diego 's . Of course , he was reading some sci - fi thriller , not a textbook . But it wasn 't as if it was affecting his schooling ! It was summer , vacation time ! The rest of them seemed okay , but she worried about the younger ones , especially the two girls . Lydia had their inheritance in long term , federally insured CDs . Three years at eighteen and a half percent interest . If the interest rates held , their money would nearly double before they were eighteen - - not that anyone thought the rates of 1982 would last . It made her dizzy to think about it . And yet , she had to - - she was in charge of their money . " I 'm going to lunch with Jason Fong ; he 's Sarah 's second cousin , " she told them . " He 's sweet on her . She thinks he wants some hints . " It was true enough and neither of them would understand job hunting . Both of her brothers laughed . Not often , not at first , but it crept up gradually . It was only after they moved away that Lydia fully realized what they 'd left behind . Now , she wouldn 't let the kids go back , even to visit . If Rodrigo , Emelita and Rosa wanted , they could come and see them . If she had her way , none of them would ever go back there . It was disloyal , turning her back on the old house ; she 'd heard all of that already from Rodrigo , from her grandparents , both sets of them . Except here the kids could go out and play in the evening and you didn 't have to worry about them being hurt . She went out and got into her van - - also something new in her life . Before moving to the suburbs she 'd either ridden with Poppa or Rodrigo or taken the bus . Poppa had taught her how to drive and insisted that a couple of times a month she drive them someplace , so she could keep her hand in . Lydia humored him , but had never needed a car going to college . Still , she found she needed a car to live in the suburbs . Picking one had been a nightmare . Rodrigo heard she was looking for a car and dragged her off to look at cars that were not only expensive , but also impractical . Hispanic women do not suffer from machismo . Her impulse had been to get something inexpensive , like a VW , maybe even a Japanese car . Poppa would have been upset at the latter , but they were inexpensive to operate as well as to buy . Lydia test - drove three or four compacts and , while she liked their price , the size wasn 't adequate . The used car salesman had quizzed her , then , about what she wanted . The next thing he showed her was a full - sized van . She balked . " It 's too big ! " she told him . " I 'll never be able to handle it ! " She had never met a used car salesman before ; the urban apocrypha she 'd heard seemed to be wrong . He 'd been consistently polite , pleasant and not at all pushy . He simply said , " Well , why don 't you get in , and if you want to , we can go for a test drive . Please , what can it hurt , just getting in ? " Lydia climbed into the driver 's seat . A " captain 's chair " the salesman called it . Lydia could see why - - it was more comfortable than Poppa 's chair in their old house . While she sat well above ground and the steering wheel was large , it felt comfortable in her grasp . And , amazingly , her feet had no trouble reaching the pedals . In some of the compacts she had to scoot the driver 's seat all the way forward and still had to stretch to reach the gas pedal . She 'd never driven a vehicle with power steering or brakes before ; it was wonderful . The steering wheel turned easily and the brakes were responsive . Lydia drove it around the block and found that she liked it very much . The salesman looked pleased ; so she drove it around the block again . She knew she wanted it . So now she drove a full size van . Rodrigo hated it , so she knew she 'd made a good choice ! The last time she 'd talked to Sarah , Sarah had been very sympathetic . Of course , Lydia had called at two in the morning , feeling depressed . They had talked for more than an hour and towards the end Sarah mentioned Jason . She usually did . Jason Fong was Sarah 's second cousin on her father 's side of the family . He was older than they were ; he was an accountant , a CPA . At twenty - five he 'd made partner in one of the Big Ten accounting firms , and a year later he quit to take a job with an up - and - coming Phoenix company . He was also madly in love with Sarah . Sarah was single mindedly driving towards her goal of a doctorate in Mathematics from UCLA . She had been on track to go to one of the top tier of technical schools , but those dreams died with her father , two years before she graduated from high school . UCLA , while not her first choice , wasn 't a bad consolation prize . Sarah chuckled . " Sure , what do you know about business ? I told Jason about how much money you inherited . He said with that much cash , a good lawyer and a good accountant , you could buy his company . Jason says that if you don 't have both , you should get them . " Lydia told her that she had a good lawyer , from Poppa 's union . And the lawyer had given her some names of people to talk to about how to take care of the money . She 'd talked to them all . " Jason 's got a computer problem . Maybe you could help him . " There was the sound of a plea in her friend 's voice . Sarah 's father had died suddenly of a heart attack ; they had too much in common for Lydia not to recognize her cry for help . Lydia promised Sarah she 'd talk to him and finally let her go back to sleep . The next evening Jason called ; Sarah had talked to him first . He suggested they have lunch together and Lydia agreed . She parked at one of the downtown parking structures , aggrieved to have to pay to park . Un - Phoenix like , she thought . The price was steep , too . She wondered if she could get her parking stub validated at the restaurant . Jason had suggested the downtown Hyatt Regency . She 'd never eaten there , or even heard about the restaurant before . It wasn 't her sort of place . She met Jason in the hotel atrium . Lydia had heard that such atriums were a design feature of a lot of Hyatt 's . There was a large open space in the middle of the hotel , with glass elevators along one side . It was filled with light and greenery and was quite pretty , with the sound of falling water in the background . The elevator ride was not like any she 'd ever been on before in her life . Rising up inside the atrium was pretty , but then there was a flash of darkness and then they were outside , going up the side of the building . It took a conscious effort of will to maintain her composure . She 'd seen the movie " The Towering Inferno " three times ; she adored Fred Astaire and Steve McQueen was cute . But hanging over nothing wasn 't something she was used to or comfortable with . The restaurant was on the top of the hotel , a big circular affair . She thought the design a bit odd , but didn 't comment on it . They were shown to a window table and were handed menus . Jason studied his briefly and put it down . Lydia was shocked at the prices . Her first thought was to get a salad . Except that some of the salads were more expensive than some of the entrees . She was still having trouble coming to grips with life as Poppa had made it . The world would not end if she had a seven - dollar steak for lunch . She vowed she 'd make sure they got separate checks and then picked what she wanted . When she put the menu down she saw Jason looking at her with interest . After a second he gestured out the window . " Nice view , isn 't it ? " She nodded . You could see the city well from up as high as they were . Lydia pointed out a few landmarks that were visible and had meaning to her . " Good ! Let me start with two basic points . Valley Electric Supply is a sound company and although it is publicly listed , almost three - fourths is owned by the Wilson family . Most of the rest is held by the officers and employees of the corporation , such as myself . " Lydia nodded in response . " When I came to them , Valley was hurting . They had suffered from bad financial management for several years and even worse accounting . Sales were down to about thirty million dollars a year and the year before I was hired they managed to lose a million and a half dollars , which is a great deal for such a small company . " As soon as the waitress left , Jason continued . " About six months before I came on board , the company hired a man named Tom Leech to be the data processing manager . There was a consultant working for them at the time and three computer operators . Mr . Leech seems to have moved cautiously at first , but by the time I arrived on the scene the consultant and one of the operators were gone , at Mr . Leech 's request . This impressed the owner , Mr . Jed Wilson . The man had analyzed the situation and did what had to be done . " She suddenly understood that this Tom Leech had added two people to the rolls of the unemployed . There had been enough of that in the neighborhood when she was growing up . She wasn 't sure she liked someone who would do that . " Yes , yes , " Jason said , reading her expression again . " But don 't feel sorry for the consultant . He drives a red Corvette with a license plate frame that reads : ' Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins ' and lives in a penthouse in downtown Phoenix and has a yacht in Santa Barbara . " Anyway , my point was that Mr . Wilson found quite a lot to like about Tom Leech . And , in fact , I like him as well . He has proved to be quite a bit more responsive to requests than any other computer boffin I 've worked with or heard of . Requests that I would normally expect to take months and months he does in hours ; occasionally days , but usually hours . " Jason shook his head ruefully . " I don 't know how you feel about others in your profession , but sometimes they come across as Mandarins that the rest of us mortals must kowtow to and obey their every whim . Tom Leech has been excellent to work with . In the year I 've been with Valley and working closely with him , we have plugged the major accounting gaps and put in business controls that were sorely needed . This last year 's sales were nearly forty million dollars and we showed a million and a half dollar profit . A considerable turnaround . " " Phoenix in particular and the Southwest in general have pretty well missed the bullet . For us , business is booming . We are heavily dependent on development and new construction , which is continuing at almost record levels . " Jason continued . " A month or so ago , over the Fourth of July three - day weekend , I went to visit Sarah in LA . On Friday night we went to a movie in Westwood , near UCLA . To make a long story short , we were walking along the street , looking at the shop windows and had to wait for a traffic light . While I was standing at the corner talking to Sarah , a black Corvette pulled up in front of us . The man who was driving is the accounts payable clerk at Valley . Jeff King is a very large black man ; he 's very distinctive . He was wearing enough gold jewelry to remind me of Mr . T . " Jason 's eyes met hers . " At first I didn 't think anything of it . It was just someone I knew that I 'd seen . Then I began to wonder how a clerk at Valley could afford the car and jewelry . That was a lot of car and a lot of gold . By the time I got back to Phoenix , I had gone from curious to concerned . So I did a little checking . I think he 's stealing from Valley , although I don 't know how . " " There 's no proof . Not only is there no proof that he has stolen from us , there is no proof that anything has been stolen . The police require more than a complaint that someone is driving a Corvette or wearing gold jewelry before they will investigate . You have to show them that a crime has been committed . There is no evidence of one . " He chewed on a piece of tomato for a moment , still working on regaining control of his emotions . " Valley 's fiscal year ends on March 31st . Since we are publicly listed , we are subject to SEC regulations , one of which requires us to be audited annually . Our auditors are one of the Big Ten accounting firms and cost a small fortune . " After our year - end the auditors spent nearly a month fine - combing our accounts . It is their job to spot things like this . They gave Valley a clean bill of health . Yet , I stayed late one night to check the personnel files , plus I ran a credit check on King , too . King moved into a condo in early April , he seems to have paid almost half down . He bought the car in May . Cash . Something is wrong . " Jason looked embarrassed . " Everything at Valley is run by the computer . Tom Leech has improved things quite a bit ; we 're even keeping correspondence on the machine now . There is no chance that the money for a condo or a ' Vette came from petty cash . The checks would have come through the computer . Had to have come through the computer ! " Jason sighed . " Auditors never give a final report without making comments about how to improve security . This year , they complained about our check handling procedures . So , now Tom Leech prints the check edit , gives it to King to proof , who then gives it to Mr . Wilson for final approval . Then Tom prints the checks . Personally . Then he hands the checks to King to match up with the paperwork , before the checks go to Mr . Wilson for his signature . After the checks are signed they go back to King to be mailed out . " Jason munched some more tomato . " On the surface the system looks solid , but something is rotten in Denmark , I 'm sure of it . As for drugs , King is there at seven every morning . He stays , most days , until past six . He 's salaried , so there 's no overtime . Would a drug dealer work ten to fifteen hours a week of overtime if he didn 't have to and wasn 't getting paid for it ? " I don 't think Tom Leech is involved , but I don 't know for sure . He lives with his wife and three kids in a small house in north Phoenix , and shows no signs of unearned income . But I just don 't know . He 's a million times smarter than King . " Jason paused and looked hard at her . " Lydia , I don 't legally know anything . I 've talked to Sarah about this , now you . I haven 't talked to anyone else , not even Mr . Wilson . It 's just a suspicion ; there 's no real evidence . I spent a couple of late nights going over the payables . I couldn 't see anything wrong , everything appears to be in order . Except I 'm as sure as I can be that this fellow is stealing from us . I can 't be sure if he has confederates and so I 'm being cautious . " Lydia finished chewing a piece of her steak . " I don 't know hardly anything about the subjects you 're talking about , " she told him . " Although I know something about condos , houses and cars after some recent research I 've undertaken in those subject areas recently . " " A Corvette , at least according to my brother Rodrigo , goes for something upwards of $ 25 , 000 . A condo , well , a cheap one , you 're looking in the upper thirties , to perhaps fifty thousand . Even if he just made down payments , you 're looking at twenty or thirty thousand dollars . Are you telling me you could be missing that much money and not know it ? " He nodded , glumly . " You have to understand that we have about six million dollars worth of inventory currently and two million in receivables . Stock in hand , ready to sell ; money owed to us . As I said , I ran a credit check on King ; he owns the car free and clear and paid half down on the condo . He must have paid in cash . My guess is that we 're missing upwards of $ 80 , 000 and probably more . Perhaps two percent of the total value of the inventory , if it 's that , five or six percent of the receivables if he 's found a way to fiddle those . Jason looked her straight in the eye . " I can 't trust anyone at Valley , not because I necessarily think they 're involved , but because I don 't know if they are . We 're a good small company , but something like this could bring us down . " If you were to come to work for us for a couple of weeks as a programmer , perhaps you could spot something I 've missed . I 've looked , but . . . " Jason wagged a finger . " With your expert knowledge , I 'm sure you 'll spot how it 's being done . Then we can arrest whoever is responsible and that will be that . All you personally have to do is work with the computer until you find out if there is stealing going on and how it 's being done . You won 't be Sam Spade or Secret Agent 007 , just a computer consultant , working under cover . " Lydia sat thinking for several minutes while they continued to eat . She looked out the window and , after a few seconds , she laughed . Jason looked at her quizzically . " I like it ! The restaurant must rotate ? " The view out the window had changed from when they 'd sat down . She watched carefully - - you could see the world move around you if you watched closely and were patient . " At first I wanted to surprise you and I was disappointed when you didn 't notice . We 've gone around one and a half times . I decided you weren 't going to spot it . " Lydia wondered how Jason and Sarah were going to get along . Sarah was intelligent , but she had only a rudimentary sense of humor . Jason 's was much better developed . She got up and looked to see how it was done . Except for an obvious band on the floor , there was no sign inside the restaurant . The rotation did explain some of the very odd design of the kitchen and service areas , though . She sat back down and saw that Jason was studying her gravely . " Are you interested ? " he asked hesitantly . No fool he - - Jason recognized procrastination when he saw it . " I 'm not sure what I can do to help you , " she replied , trying to be honest . " I don 't know what kind of computer you have , but odds are it 's an IBM . " He nodded and she went on . " I have only very limited experience with those . At school I mainly worked on DEC machines . I may have been introduced to some areas of investment strategy that I would never have dreamed I would learn about , but I know almost nothing about business . You talk of payables and receivables and inventory - - I don 't know anything about those . " " We have an IBM System 38 . It 's a middle - sized machine , programmed in a language called RPG . Tom Leech thinks it 's the cat 's meow . He does things quickly that I am used to having to wait weeks or months for . As for the business principles involved , I 'll loan you a basic business text and a basic accounting book . There 's nothing very complicated about our operation . " Lydia saw the hole in that and said so . " If it 's not very complicated and everything is easy to learn , why did you spend so long studying accountancy ? Why don 't you know what 's going on ? " His expression was a shade less friendly . " Well , we use only a small subset of some very complicated rules . As for why I can 't figure it out , all I can say is that I just haven 't done it yet . If I were to go over everything , item - by - item , I 'd almost certainly find it . Except we print something like 2500 checks a month , and receive nearly ten times that many ourselves . I am looking . I am going to continue to look . My thought is that the problem lies with the computer system , somehow . I don 't have much expertise with the actual working of computers and I wanted to get the advice of someone who does . " He reached into his inner coat pocket , and brought out a couple of sheets of folded paper and put them down in front of her . " I took the liberty of preparing a resume for you . Just say the word and I 'll see a copy gets in the stack to be considered . Otherwise , " he grinned wanly , " consider it a free service . " The resume was two pages long and of course , only dealt with her university course work . Lydia was surprised Jason knew so much about her ; obviously he 'd talked to Sarah . And she and Sarah told each other everything . Almost everything . She thought about it for a couple of more minutes , and then sighed . " I guess so . Go ahead . " She was not only aimless , but desperate . If she was willing to do something as strange as this , she just had to be desperate . But it certainly was different . And , in its own way , it did sound interesting . So she agreed . What the heck , right ? Jason grinned broadly , dug into his briefcase and handed her the two books he 'd promised . " You 're assuming an awful lot ! " she told him with a laugh . " It pays to be prepared , " was his reply . " I 'll set everything up . Remember , you don 't know me from Adam , right ? " |
A number of years ago , my job required me to wake up early each morning and head to work - pretty much like everyone else in the whole world . But on one particular day , I really didn 't want to work . It was the day after Christmas , a Friday , and most everyone else was taking the day off . My kids were home for winter vacation and the last thing I wanted to do was drag my lazy carcass to the office . I managed to get out of bed in a reasonable time , eat breakfast , and wandered out into the dark yard to scrape the ice off my car windows . It was a cold , gloomy day , the sun wasn 't yet clear of the mountains , and it seemed I was the only miserable soul that had to go to work . Well , almost . I heard the sound of the garbage truck arriving , so I knew at least one other person in the world was working . While the car warmed up , I pulled the big , black trash can out to the street and returned to the garage to get another empty box that was too big to fit into the can . The garbage truck pulled up and the driver waved down at me . He had a big smile on his face and acted as friendly as Mr . Rogers . Or maybe Mr . Bean . I briefly wondered what the heck his problem was - if anything , he should be hating his job even more than I was that morning . The big robotic arm reached out and lifted the can up over the truck . It dumped all our leftover Christmas packaging into the bin , with Mr . Rogers smiling the whole time . I couldn 't really talk over the noise of the truck , so I pointed at the extra box I had . The driver motioned for me to toss it up into the bin . I did so , but a small wind caught the box and it landed behind the bin on top of the truck . Now what could I do ? The driver was totally unfazed . He saw the box through his mirror , took the truck out of gear , unbuckled his seat belt , climbed out of the door and onto the ladder next to the cab . And he was still smiling and waving and nodding his head like he was the happiest man in the world . He couldn 't reach the box from the ladder , so he climbed onto the top of the truck and found he still couldn 't reach it . He waved at me like nothing at all was wrong and actually climbed down into the garbage bin to reach the box . Then tragedy struck . He slipped on the slime and disappeared down into the dark depths of the trash hole . I ran over to climb up the ladder , but his head popped back up . He was safe , and still smiling and waving . Then he slipped and fell again . This time when he resurfaced , he didn 't wave . He instead chose to use both hands to hold onto the side of the truck . He inched his way through the rubbish and reached my errant box . After pulling it in , he slowly returned to the front of the bin , climbed out of the trash and back into the cab . He was covered with slime and torn - up gift wrapping , but he never stopped smiling . There are occasionally things that happen in your life that make you stop and think about what you 're doing . For some , it may be an embarrassing event . For others , it may be a family tragedy like a divorce or death . Even moving to a new town can be a major event for kids . Health issues , injuries , bad grades - all kinds of things can suddenly affect you in ways you couldn 't have predicted . I was out gallivanting with my friends one night and we headed home around midnight . Because of what later happened , many details from that night are a little fuzzy . I don 't recall what we were doing , but I 'm sure it involved driving around looking for classmates , goofing off , laughing , cheeseburgers , the usual . None of us were into drugs or alcohol - we seemed to entertain ourselves quite well without needing chemical assistance . I don 't even remember if I was driving that night or if we were in someone else 's car . I only remember that we had several people in the car that all lived within a couple blocks of each other . As we neared the neighborhood , we saw police and emergency vehicles all over and the main road was blocked . We saw a mangled car in the middle of the street and activity all around . A crowd of spectators had gathered and most looked pretty somber . An officer directed us through a side road and as we passed , I heard something about a fatality . It kind of humbled us as we drove the last little way to our houses . We didn 't know what was going on , but it didn 't look good . I don 't remember the exact events after I arrived home , but I do remember my parents were very glad to see me . It didn 't take long to find out what had happened . A few friends of ours from school had also been out that night . Unfortunately , their group had decided they did need some chemicals . They 'd been drinking pretty heavily and were driving home - drunk and at very high speeds . It was estimated they were going at least seventy miles an hour on a road with a thirty - five posted limit . Their car crossed a little bridge and went airborne . It flew straight into a parked flatbed semi trailer . The trailer severed the top of the car right off . It was a pretty grim incident and made me glad my friends and I weren 't drinking . But it also made me think about some of the crazy stuff I did . I wasn 't a very careful driver before that . After that , I tried to be a little more careful and even started wearing my seat belt . Nobody wore seat belts in those days and my friends often bugged me about it . I spent a lot of time in my high school years playing jokes on people , and sometimes people got me back . One of those paybacks happened late on a Saturday night , long after I was in bed . My mom woke me up Sunday morning and said I needed to go out and do something about my car . It was an old , green 1973 Chevy Impala that broke down a lot . I wasn 't sure what mom was talking about and figured something must have fallen off of it again . I rubbed my eyes and looked out the window . It had snowed a thick layer during the night , but only on my car . What was it ? Mom gave me her " I don 't know what kind of friends you hang out with " look . I threw on a shirt and went outside to investigate . I stood there assessing the damage . Then I heard some honking . Our street happened to be the connecting road between two parts of the neighborhood , and everyone was on their way to the local church - while I was standing there , barefoot and wearing pajamas , staring at a pad - covered car . You know what the conversation at church was about that week . It took a while to get them off the car . Some of the adhesive never came off . But it didn 't take long to find out who 'd done it . It seems these were a new brand of pads that the manufacturer had sent out to mailboxes all over the county as free samples . ( Can you imagine some old widower living alone and opening his mailbox - " What the crap is this ? " ) The post office ended up with many cases left over and didn 't know what to do with them . They decided to give them to the nearby Girls Village , which was a group home for girls with family issues . A whole building filled with girls our age was a strong temptation for me and my friends , so we hung out there a lot . And we played practical jokes there a lot . And they finally got me back . Pets are an interesting concept . The idea of owning another living being for your own enjoyment is a little strange , especially when you keep that being in a cage . But pets can be entertaining and provide some friendship . And I suppose that friendship often goes both ways . When I was young , I had a dog named Snoopy . I wasn 't too creative in coming up with names . He was a small shorthaired mutt , the kind my friend calls a Neighborhood Special . We kept him outside , but probably shouldn 't have because he was really too small and furless for our harsh winters . One winter afternoon , I wanted to play in the snow but couldn 't find anyone to join me . It was a cold , gray , dreary day , and nobody else wanted to go outside . So I suited up and went out by myself and found Snoopy waiting there . He 'd been alone all day and jumped all over me . He wagged and snorted - I think that 's how dogs laugh . He followed me around while I tried to roll out a snowman . It hadn 't snowed in several days and the crusty snow wasn 't sticking , so I soon gave up that pursuit . I tried making little roads in the snow for pretend cars to drive in . The grass under the snow had piles of smelly , decomposing leaves leftover from autumn , so that wasn 't fun either . Snoopy enjoyed the smells though . The driveway had been cleared , so there was no ice to slide on . I tried playing tetherball , but the rock - hard ball hurt my hands . I soon realized why nobody else had wanted to go out . I finally gave up and just sat on the snow under the plum tree . Snoopy jumped onto my lap . I tried calming him down , but his tail just wouldn 't stop wiggling . He eventually curled up and I petted him while my butt froze . As he lay there , he kept raising his head to look at me , as though trying to tell me something , or perhaps thank me for spending time with him . Soon my dad came home from work , and I went inside for dinner . I left Snoopy by himself in the cold , dark yard . A year or so later , on a warm , spring Saturday morning , I left Snoopy in the yard while I went to get a friend . Snoopy really wanted to follow me , but I closed the gate and made him stay . When my friend and I returned we discovered Snoopy under the fence . He 'd tried following me by pushing his way through . His collar had caught on the fence and in his efforts , he 'd choked himself . While my high school friends and I often participated in silly shenanigans , we usually didn 't purposely try to be mean to people . One time , however , my friend Stitch and I decided we needed to egg someone 's house . To this day , I can 't understand why we felt that need , or why we picked this particular person . I can 't recall our target 's name , but I do remember he was a nice kid who never did anything to us . But in our minds , he needed an egging . We planned our caper at Stitch 's house . I distracted his mom in the kitchen while he stole two eggs from the fridge . It wasn 't easy , because his mom had a sense of knowing when we were about to try something . We managed to get the eggs and then drove my old 1971 Ford Country Squire station wagon over to the target house . This was to be a drive - by egging , so I inched the Country Squire past the target house . It was late afternoon , there were people all over , and we worried who might see us . But we egged each other on - ha ! - and were determined to go through with it . I think we had eggs on our brains . Stitch sat up on the open window sill and tossed his egg over the car . It soared in a beautiful arc across the yard and … it landed on the lawn and bounced . Then rolled to a stop by the doorstep . Stitch 's mom must have known what we were up to and hard - boiled the egg . I knew I could do way better than that . I brought my left hand back across my chest . I threw with all my might out the driver 's window . But the egg never made it . Instead , my hand slammed against the front pillar of the car . I nearly broke my fingers . Egg splattered everywhere , especially down the defrost vents . It took at least a full hour for the two of us to restore our proper breathing . We laughed so hard we needed oxygen . And the Country Squire never smelled the same after that . When parents ask a teenager " What were you thinking ? " and the teen responds " I don 't know , " the parents need to realize that the teen truly doesn 't know . Like the time my older son jumped out his friend 's moving Suburban . Did he really think he could accelerate his legs from a complete stop to twenty - five miles an hour before he hit the asphalt ? When my friend Brent and I were fifteen and moving on to high school , we received invitations to Meet Your School night a few weeks before classes began . Moving from junior high to high school was a big step , and we didn 't want to be complete dorks by not attending Meet Your School . Besides , my older sister was a school officer and promised me it would be cool , so I took her word for it . We even got there ten minutes early . And we quickly discovered that only dorks got there early . In fact , I think only dorks attended at all . We worried we wouldn 't find a seat and hurried into the auditorium . Only one other person was there - an older guy , probably some other dork 's dad . We sat about five rows behind him and waited for the excitement to begin . Brent had a touch of hay fever that day , and while we sat there , he coughed and produced a giant loogie . Teenagers are fascinated with body fluids - pus is always a favorite - and not wanting to swallow it back down , Brent expelled it onto his hand . And it was a magnificent specimen . The next question was , what could he do with it ? A fifteen - year - old boy in that situation doesn 't have a whole lot of options . Walking to the restroom to wash his hand was certainly not one of them . He chose the only other option - tossing the loogie out into the air . I mean , what else could he do ? The loogie whirled through the dark auditorium like a spiral galaxy spinning through outer space . It arced downward and straight toward the one place we wished it hadn 't gone - right down the neck of The Dad sitting in front of us . It was a perfect shot . A hole in one . But there was no time for congratulations . Brent and I froze into perfect granite statues . The Dad winced . He reached back into his collar . He pulled his hand out slowly . Slime dripped from his fingers . He turned around . He stared back at us . If you took the entire energy output of the Three Gorges Dam Hydroelectric Generators , it wouldn 't even come close to the amount of energy Brent and I expended for those eight seconds trying to maintain composure while The Dad 's eyes bored into us . Maybe he 'd think it was someone else . Of course we 'd forgotten we were the only other dorks in the whole room . We fully expected a beating , but The Dad just slowly stood up , continued glaring at us , and walked out of the room . He came back after a few minutes and sat somewhere else . I 'm not sure what prompted him to be so forgiving . Maybe he 'd tossed a loogie when he was fifteen . I don 't recall participating in many overt acts of vandalism when I was young . I could say I thought it wasn 't right to purposely destroy or damage other people 's property . But that wasn 't true . Actually , I was just always afraid of getting caught . There was the time we found a shopping cart in the neighborhood that belonged to the local market . We decided to be good Boy Scouts and return it , so naturally we connected it to the trailer hitch of my buddy Stitch 's car and dragged it all over the place before finding our way to the market . Then , to make sure the owner knew we 'd brought it back , we hung it from the handle of his front door . A while later , we passed by and noticed two police cars there - apparently we 'd set off the alarm . We weren 't purposely trying to vandalize anything , but I 'm not sure how well the cart worked after that . Or the door . One time , though , Stitch and I decided to pursue the ultimate act - spraying our names on the top of the water tower . I 'm pretty sure this tower is still there , and it 's not just a little structure that anyone can climb up . It 's a giant round ball supported on massive legs , and for some reason , is checkered red and white . It looks like a soccer ball on stilts and it 's huge . I think it was built during World War Two when soldiers were stationed nearby . On the fence at the bottom , a sign used to read " Property of US Navy . " We were about seven hundred miles from the nearest ocean , so I 'm not sure how that worked out . We staked out the tower one day to plan our assault . A razor wire fence surrounded it . Easy enough to cross . A ladder ran up one of the tower legs , but the bottom of the ladder was at least twenty feet in the air . My dad 's extension ladder would reach that high . A cage covered the bottom of the tower ladder , but it looked like it was just latched shut . Having done our due reconnaissance , we figured it was possible . So a few days later , we returned to conquer . One of us had to stay down to hide the extension ladder and move the car away , so I was chosen to climb up . After extending the ladder to its full length , it barely reached to a few feet below the cage . I carefully climbed up to the top rung of my dad 's ladder and discovered the cage was locked . Now what ? The only way past was to climb on the outside of the cage , which was made of fine mesh . I could fit my fingers in it , but not my feet . I 'd need to climb up several yards using only my hands . Actually , only my fingers . But I was a skinny kid and a champion at pull - ups - I could easily pump off forty or more on the bar in my bedroom door . So I managed to scramble up the cage , nearly cutting my fingers off on the mesh . I made it to the main ladder and began my ascent . It took a very long time to climb all the way up . I 'd never realized how tall that thing really was . Finally , I reached the top , where a catwalk surrounded the giant ball that held the water . I looked down at all the small people below me . I was king of the world . No one had ever accomplished such a feat before . My spray - painted name would go down in history . I 'd be remembered forever as the Edmund Hillary of the Tower . After surveying my kingdom , I retrieved the can of paint from my back pocket and started searching for the best place to spray . And there I saw it , just above the catwalk , a message in black spray paint : " Ha ! We were here first . " Followed by names and a date from a year earlier . So I covered their names with paint , sprayed mine and Stitch 's in their place , and descended back to the mortal world . Despite not being first to conquer the tower , it was still quite a feat , though one of the more dangerous things I 've ever done . Several years later I stopped by to see if our names were still there . Unfortunately , it had all been painted over . Probably by the US Navy . I think many people re - define themselves at various times in their lives . Sometimes it 's deliberate and sudden - you show up at school with newly spiked hair and a bunch of head banger music in your iPod . Other times I think it just happens over time - a mean bully that slowly realizes his victims are actual human beings and not punching bags . When I was in high school , I decided to change everything about me , including my name , for one day . I became a nerd , or what I thought was a nerd . Back then , nerds weren 't cool like they are now , and I wanted to be the most un - cool person in the school . Of course , I wasn 't very cool to begin with , so it wasn 't that hard . I found some old clothes , most of which were too big for me , and a pair of my dad 's old horn - rim glasses ( which were very much NOT in style then ) . I put some tape on the glasses for good measure . I carried a dictionary around with me . You remember dictionaries , don 't you - those thick books with words in them ? I also carted a record album called Beginning Square Dance , along with all my text books , which I normally left in my locker . I had a whole fistful of pens in my pocket , a dorky ball cap , and a Snoopy lunch box . When I got to school , I purposely avoided people . I stared at the floor and slinked along the edges of the hallways . A few teachers recognized me and got a good laugh out of it . But several times , I walked into class and the teacher politely asked if I was a recent move - in , usually in a " I don 't want to frighten you " voice . The other kids found that pretty funny . The principal stopped me when I was late to one class . I think he was a little confused about whether I was for real or not . My friend Stitch got a great picture of the encounter . It was interesting because most people really didn 't know who I was that day . I had a couple rude or teasing comments directed my way , but I found that few people purposely picked on me . Rather , I was just ignored . It kind of made me wonder what it felt like for kids who were ignored every day . I don 't know that I came away from that experience with any great revelation . I just did it all on a lark . But thinking about it now , I realize there are a lot of invisible people in the world - people who are invisible even though we see them every day . As I 've gotten older , I 've reflected on my life and come to a conclusion : I 'm pretty sure I have a social disability . I often have difficulty relating to people in a normal way . I usually end up resorting to humor or just acting goofy . When I was in high school , I found a way to temporarily overcome this problem - instead of interacting with real people , I created fake ones . One day I decided we needed a scarecrow in our vegetable garden , so I went to the thrift store to find some old clothes . After bringing home a flannel shirt and a pair of overalls , I stuffed it all with newspaper and sewed it together . I attached some old socks and shoes and used a halloween mask on a wig stand for the head . I had a lot of fun with Ethel , especially at traffic lights and drive - throughs . Since my old car had a bench seat , I sometimes strapped her into the driver 's seat while I sat in the passenger seat and drove with my left foot and arm stretched across the car . When I was too nervous to ask a girl out to a dance once , I put Ethel and a hidden walkie - talkie on the porch so she could do the asking . Then , after I got turned down , I took Ethel to the dance instead . One day , the front wheel of my car fell off and I was stranded in the middle of a busy road . Nobody stopped to help until I hung Ethel out of the door like she 'd passed out . A police officer ( the third to pass by ) immediately stopped - but it was to offer some choice words rather than to assist . At least the tow truck driver found it funny . After a while , I realized Ethel was probably lonely when she sat in my car by herself all the time . So I made three friends for her and named them all . We had a great time all summer long , attending fireworks shows and parades , but it almost came to a tragic end when they nearly got shot . It happened like this . I picked up several human friends for a night of gallivanting and didn 't have room in my old Impala for everyone . So I folded my thrift store friends in half and sat them down side - by - side in the trunk . I had to squeeze the trunk lid down tightly to get it to shut . As we were traveling around , I happened to pull onto a road and swerved a little - right in front of a city cop , unfortunately . He pulled me over in the 7 - 11 parking lot to see if we 'd been drinking . After looking at each of us closely and inspecting the car , he still wasn 't convinced we weren 't drunk and asked to look in the trunk . I suggested that wasn 't a good idea , which only made him more curious . So I handed him my keys and he walked over to open it . The cop jumped backward and grabbed for his gun . My friends and I fell onto the pavement , laughing so hard we shot Slurpees out our noses and couldn 't breathe . Once the cop caught his breath , it was all he could do to keep from laughing and remain professional . He decided we weren 't drunk , so he let us go , and we bought new Slurpees and continued our gallivanting . My elementary school had the usual schoolyard bullies who made sure everyone did as they commanded . They paraded around in various mini - gangs , each claiming their territory in the yard . While each mini gang was frightening as a group , it was amazing how un - scary many of the individual members became if they accidentally got separated from their pack . One winter day after it had snowed all morning , I really wanted to make a snowman during lunch recess . I couldn 't do it alone , not with roving snowball - smashing gangs all over the yard . So I enlisted my own Gang of Wimpy Friends to help . But unfortunately , our gang was about ten levels below the tough guy gangs . I started rolling a giant fluffy ball and purposely steered it toward Bully Gang # 1 , which was the toughest of the tough . They had a guy named Tracy in their pack , who was almost a whole gang by himself . They saw my tempting snowball and bared their fangs . But before they could do anything , I announced that I 'd made the giant snowball just for them to squash . Then I turned and walked away . I did the same thing two more times - gave them a nice snowball , let them smash it , then walked away . I was then ready for step two of my plan . This time , I walked far away from the bullies , to the other side of the Jungle Gym near the giant tires . There I proceeded to make a snowman , hoping Bully Gang # 1 would be happy with the three snowballs I 'd already given them , and that they 'd leave me alone . But rather than instantly smash my snowball , he sat down on the tires and watched . Attacking the snowballs I 'd already given him must have made him hungry for more . I knew he was waiting for me to finish . Bully Gang # 1 had gone to another corner of the yard to terrorize new victims . This left the Jungle Gym territory open to Bully Gang # 3 ( # 2 was knocking down my friends on the ice ) . As soon as they saw my snowman , which was almost finished by then , they immediately charged . My plan had worked , but not like I 'd expected . And of course , the next day Tracy was back with his gang , I was off with the wimpy guys , and proper order was once again restored . And neither of us ever spoke of the incident again , all the way up through high school . To do so would have broken a sacred trust . As a father of a child with Down syndrome , I wanted to do a small part in helping people understand more about Down syndrome . It 's not a disease or anything terrible like that . It occurs when a person 's 21st chromosome has three copies , rather than the normal two . Hence the chosen date for this event : 3 - 21 . People with Down syndrome have certain physical characteristics and some cognitive impairment , but can live healthy , productive lives as active members of their community . One of my books , The Power of Powers , has a character named Sparrow who has an unspecified disability . If you know anyone with Down Syndrome , you 'll easily recognize that this is what I was trying to portray . I patterned much of Sparrow 's behavior and speech after my son , Tian Tian , who also has Down Syndrome . My purpose in doing this wasn 't to preach anything or try to spotlight Down Syndrome . I just wanted to tell a story and happened to include a character with these traits . Also , though , I guess I wanted to show that in many respects , people with disabilities aren 't really that different - everyone just wants a peaceful and fulfilling life . Tian Tian does have some traits that are different from others . One thing that stands out is his desire for simplicity . We 've given him some cool - and expensive - toys before , only to have the toys ignored while he plays with more simple items . Rather than ask for a fancy helmet to play a knight , he 'll just put a plastic mixing bowl on his head . He has some ornate toy swords , but prefers to use our Vitamix juicer plunger . The plunger also doubles as a gun , an airplane , a bird , or whatever else he needs it to be . Another toy that was his favorite for years was a green plastic doctor 's thermometer from a toy doctor kit . The first phrase Tian Tian learned to say was " green toy , " and he took that toy with him everywhere . He lost it many times and always found it again , until it fell down a storm drain one day . If anyone can tell me where to find one just like the one in this photo , Tian Tian will be eternally grateful ! Something he 's played with for many years is a small plastic horse . At one time , it had velvety fur and a soft mane , which all rubbed off long ago . Now it 's just a rather homely , hairless , brown piece of plastic . But in Tian Tian 's eyes , this horse is as magnificent as Spirit , Stallion of the Cimarron . |
Nearly everyone agrees that masturbating should only be done in private , and do so . Nearly everyone would be mortified to be accidentally discovered masturbating , or to accidentally discover someone masturbating . This is an issue everyone worries about . People often delay or postpone masturbation when they feel they lack privacy , and people often stop masturbating while painfully close to orgasm when they hear a sound that threatens their privacy . Yet , there seems to be no consequence of being discovered . Few of the people who walk in on a masturbation session say anything about it , generally being too embarrassed themselves to say anything . Most of the people who discover someone masturbating are older and experienced with the practice themselves . I was masturbating in front of my PC and my sister was sick and sleeping in another room and when it was going to happen , she saw me . I instantly hid my penis and she just said that I should not blackmail her or else she will tell my dad . Is it OK ? ( age 15 ) I work in a group home for developmentally challenged adults . One time I walked in on one of our residents and he was masturbating . It was so funny . He had halfway tied himself up and had bound his feet to a chair . I didn 't say anything to him but everyone who works there thinks it 's a funny story . I also tell the story to guys I meet , and it 's helped me get them to tell me private things . Guys think it 's cool when a girl talks about masturbating . ( age 20 ) I was going to masturbate when my father came down and knocked on the door . I said come in and it was locked . I unlocked it and made a deck of trading cards and he said , " Don 't pretend I don 't know what you were doing and pretend it never happened . " Now everything is awkward . Any advice ? ( age 12 ) I don 't quite understand what happened . You said you had to get up to unlock the door , so obviously he didn 't see you masturbating . You seem upset that he guessed correctly that you had been masturbating even though he didn 't technically catch you . I think it should not be awkward , and you should pretend it never happened . A distant relative 's daughter , 17 , caught me jerking off in my room when she walked in without knocking . I was just finishing and was unable to stop even on realizing that she was in the room . She saw me ejaculate over my fists and left the room with a smile . Since then she has been giving me enough hints of wanting to get into the bed with me . I have restrained myself as she is still not 18 . How do I tell her NO ? I stay at her parents ' place for work reasons . ( age 37 ) You don 't need to tell her anything because she hasn 't asked anything . She is only giving you hints , right ? Just stay professional around her if you absolutely need to stay at her house . A few years back , I was home with only my younger sister ; the rest of my family was out . She was going through a phase where she 'd very rarely leave her room , so I felt safe in masturbating in the living room . I had my laptop set up and my headphones on and I was going at it when , out of the corner of my eye , I saw my sister coming down the stairs in direct view of me . I covered up quickly , but she looked me in the eyes with some contempt . When I saw her go back in her room and close the door , I resumed my masturbation session until I finished . She never brought it up and neither did I , and my parents didn 't find out , so it ended well . ( age 20 ) I work at a bank . Several years ago , I went to use the ladies ' room . Needing some relief , I began to pleasure myself . Just as I was reaching orgasm , the door opened ; apparently I hadn 't locked it . A co - worker stood and stared for the longest time as I came . Then she just carefully closed the door . Was it a Full - Service Bank ? We were at the beach last summer with my wife 's extended family . I was showering with the door locked ( I thought ) and while in the shower I started masturbating . I couldn 't have sex with my wife since our kids were sleeping in the same room . The shower had a clear glass half wall and a tile bench that was opposite the shower head . I was sitting on the bench leaning back with my eyes closed and about 90 % to orgasm when I heard something over the noise of the fan and shower . I opened my eyes to find my 14 - year - old nephew staring at me . I quickly got up and turned my back and asked him to leave and close the door . He said he needed to use the toilet which was separate from the shower . I said go ahead and waited for him to leave and close the door . While he was using the toilet he was laughing so I just said , " sorry about that , I thought the door was locked . " He left the room and I stepped out to check the lock and the plunger on the door that catches in the door frame did not engage because the door was warped . I pushed hard on the door to get it closed . Certain that I was now safe , I went back to finish masturbating . Afterward we were out on the deck and I told my brother - in - law what had happened , just in case the topic came up with my nephew . He chuckled and said thanks for the heads up on the door . I decided to talk to my nephew to keep him from running his mouth . I said , " I know what you saw and I am sure you do it too , so just like doing it in private , let 's keep this matter private . " To which he snickered and said , " no problem . " Despite being in private and being in what I thought was a secure place , I still got caught . It is still embarrassing even at my age because it is a private matter . If you get caught it is not the end of the world . Parents can help a lot by discussing masturbation in a healthy and matter of fact way before kids start so that there is not a shroud of secrecy . As parents , our silence on the subject leaves kids to wonder why we did not see fit to pass on our thoughts and morals when we teach them everything else . ( age 45 ) I got caught masturbating by my babysitter . It was embarrassing . Actually , it 's pretty embarrassing to be old enough to masturbate and even have a babysitter . So let me explain . The babysitter was not really for me . But my parents had a baby when I was 12 . They did not think I was old enough to care for my sister even though they had no problem leaving me home when it was just me . So they would hire a babysitter when they went out , and it was understood that she was there to take care of my sister and that her sitting of me was more supervisory than hands - on . So I was pretty much in the habit of doing as I pleased when the sitter was there , and I didn 't go around asking her permission for things , telling her when I was going to bed , etc . , and my friends came and went as usual . And this sitter had been here before , so she knew what the expectation was . One night when I was 13 , after I had learned to masturbate , I went to bed and was doing my usual thing in bed . The sitter came in without knocking because she was trying to find something in the kitchen and didn 't know where it was . She burst in and saw me stroking my penis ( which was made easier because I had the bedroom light on ) . She was very flustered and just stammered and walked out . I finished what I was doing and then went out to talk to her . She was really super embarrassed and admitted that she had never seen an erection before . I was surprised by that because she was a senior and I just assumed that girls that age have seen it all . We made a deal that she wouldn 't tell on me and I wouldn 't tell on her and all would be cool . It has been so far . ( age 14 ) I like how you finished what you were doing before you went out to talk to her . I think you should make a point of letting the babysitter know when you 're going to bed so she won 't bother you after that . Not all people are sexually active by the time they 're high school seniors ( or even seniors in college ) ; in fact , I would argue that the girls who babysit are less likely to be sexually active . I haven 't been caught yet , but sometimes I throw the harpoon back in my pants because I hear a noise . ( age 21 ) Over Christmas Break , I wasn 't really caught masturbating , much as in the process of cleaning up . It was 3 : 00 a . m . and usually no one is awake , so I decided to masturbate . I had just ejaculated , rested for a second and then went to the bathroom ( which is right across the hall from my bedroom ) to clean up . While masturbating I had kicked off my underwear , so while walking to the bathroom , I was naked from the waist down . Halfway to the bathroom , I noticed my mother in the hallway . I quickly darted into the bathroom . I tried to play it off like I was going to the bathroom , but I don 't think I was very convincing . I 'm very embarrassed as this is the first time I 've ever been caught . I know I should have put on my underwear again , but it was 3 : 00 a . m . and I had semen on my hands . Should I have said anything to my mother ? ( age 19 ) I think I may have been caught , but I 'm not so sure . I was in my room and I reached the " point of no return " and my sister barged in . I wasn 't using visual aids ; I was having a fantasy just by daydreaming . I quickly covered up with my pants and ejaculated in them . Sometimes I don 't think my sister realized what happened but other times I think she did . I was so embarrassed . ( age 16 ) I was home alone and I decided to masturbate in the living room . While I was masturbating , my sister opened the door and caught me . I 've always had a good relationship with her so I knew she wouldn 't tell my parents , but I was surprised that she got me a nude mag a few days later . ( age 17 ) I just got caught masturbating by my sister , and I am so embarrassed . I was already completely embarrassed that she saw me stroking my penis . But an hour or so afterward , I saw her in the house and she said , " I always figured you did that . " ( age 15 ) I 'm Jason . One night I felt really psyched up , and I needed to calm myself down , so I went into my bedroom to masturbate . I thought I was at home alone . But about 10 minutes later , my uncle walked into the room suddenly . He saw my penis . He just said " oh " and walked out again . Later I told him that I had an itch and was just looking to see what was causing it , and he said he understood . Do you think he knows what I was doing ? ( age 17 ) I just got caught about 30 minutes ago masturbating in the bathroom . ( I forgot to lock the door . ) I got caught by my little sister 's boyfriend , who 's 18 . All I could do was stare at him like a deer in the headlights , and now I 'm mortified . I don 't want him telling my sister about this , and I don 't know what to think of it . He apologized repeatedly , and he left within 5 seconds of catching me . The weird part is this happened while I was at work . I work for my parents in their house ( where I learned to masturbate ) doing office work , and I feel comfortable there . I don 't get much privacy at my own house because of my roommates , so lately I 've been doing it here . What do I do ? ( age 23 ) I don 't think you need to do anything . What difference does it make if he tells your sister ? If she doesn 't know that you masturbate , then she is dangerously ill - informed about male sexuality . She probably masturbates herself . Just be normal around the boyfriend and don 't forever act like he has something on you . He doesn 't . I have been masturbating for 5 years and lately my frequency has gone up . I need to do it once a day at least and if I have the time and place , I do it twice a day sometimes . Last week I was at a friend 's house where we secretly watched some very explicit pics on his laptop . Both us got boners and while my friend went to masturbate in the bathroom , I decided to do it in his bedroom . The door was bolted but the window was half open and he didn 't tell me that his 11 year old sister was home . When I was close to finishing , I heard a gasp and then a giggle which made me jump as I saw she was watching . In my haste to cover up , I zipped up without ejaculating . Why did she reveal herself only when I was about to ejaculate ? Since I didn 't ejaculate despite being very close , will it cause any harm to my genitals , as I was painfully hard all the way home ? ( age 16 ) You thought you had privacy , but you didn 't . Windows aren 't only for seeing out ; people can see in too . Maybe his sister only saw you right at the point she gasped . By not ejaculating , you gave yourself blue balls . All males have to endure it occasionally . It will not cause you any harm . I got into a habit of saving erotic images into a folder on the computer . As I only live with my mom and sister , to be courteous to them , I decided to move the folder onto a USB stick . I would store the USB in the top drawer of my desk and would use it when masturbating . One day recently I was in the mood and needed to access my stick . I went to get the USB from the drawer , but it was missing . I decided to go look in my sister 's room for it , and it was on her dressing table . I quickly took it and went to check the folder . I saw she had put some files of her own on it . I hoped she hadn 't looked , so I opened the folder , and everything was still there . At the bottom of the folder was a Notepad document titled " It 's OK . " It was a paragraph of text saying the usual things like , It 's good to see you 're finally growing up , it 's normal , I 'm glad you 're looking at these images , don 't worry I won 't tell Mom , etc . etc . I was somewhat relieved but was no longer in the mood to masturbate . So I returned the USB to her dresser . ( age 16 ) A few weeks ago , my mom suggested that she thought I was masturbating . It wasn 't like she was mad or anything , but I denied it . I 'm not sure I was so convincing . Do you think she knows ? ( female , age 13 ) You can know something only if it 's impossible for you to be mistaken about it . If your mom doesn 't know you masturbate , she strongly suspects . If she suspected correctly , then you don 't need to worry about anything . If she suspected incorrectly , then you should feel unjustly accused . Recently , I was up quite late , and my mom had gone to bed hours before , so I felt free to masturbate in peace . I was getting really close to orgasm when my bedroom door swung open and my sister poked her head in . I sat up straight and tried to cover myself , and she asked me to turn my sound down . I 'm not sure if she noticed what I was doing , since it was dark , but I can 't help but feel she noticed what I was doing . I now always feel really paranoid when I masturbate and I haven 't been able to enjoy masturbating ever since . How can I reduce my paranoia ? I find your site amazing . You were in the dark . She didn 't see . Even if she did , who cares ? She probably masturbates too . Don 't let paranoia about something you don 't even know happened interfere with your enjoyment of something you would otherwise find greatly pleasureable . I was masturbating in bed last night and the door was open and I was listening for people coming and then my mom walked past but I stopped before she saw me but I didn 't have the covers over me and I was naked . Do you think my mom saw me ? She exclaimed and asked why I was still awake . I said my pj 's were on backward and I was swapping sides . Is it believable ? Please help ! I don 't want anyone to know ! ( age 13 ) I 've been caught masturbating three times in my life so far , and this one was the most embarrassing . I was 16 and working my first summer job at a restaurant . One of my classmates also worked there . We had a particularly busy Saturday night and it was a really hot evening . Our shift ended at 10 PM , and the other boy said he was going to head down to the beach for a swim . We didn 't have our suits with us , but late night skinny dipping was normal . His girlfriend was picking him up from work and I ended up following them to the beach in my car . After swimming , we got out and got dressed and he said he and his girlfriend were going to take a walk down the beach . I figured they wanted to make out so I just said I was heading home . I went to my car and the thought of them making out on the beach got me horny so I decided to masturbate in my car before going home . I put the seat back , pulled down my pants , laid back and started to go at it . I had been masturbating no more than five minutes when I heard a shout and laughter . My classmate and his girlfriend were there ; they had decided not to go for a walk . He teased me about it for probably a week or so , then all was forgotten . ( age 47 ) I was caught by my mom in one of those moments that I just couldn 't stop masturbating because I was so close to orgasm . I was at my bed just with my panties on and was masturbating through them , when my mom opened the door and screamed at me . I was far too close for stopping so I just had to hear her screaming while I kept on masturbating for a few more seconds until I reached orgasm . She just left my room . She never mentioned it again . ( age 17 ) I find myself questioning whether your story is true . The point of no return ( for males ) is where a male has already brought himself to the moment when ejaculation will happen within a second . He can stop before that moment and not ejaculate . The closest parallel in a female would be where she has brought herself to the edge of orgasm and cannot stop herself from having an orgasm . If you needed a few more seconds to get to that point , you obviously could have stopped . After seeing all these stories , I feel really lucky that I haven 't been caught since I started jacking off when I was 9 , and I do it an average of 17 times a week . I grew up with three sisters and a brother . I am lucky . ( age 19 ) Well , don 't give yourself credit for winning the Powerball . You are young . The average male doesn 't get caught until he 's almost 30 . At the rate you 're going , there 's a suddenly opened door and startled looks in your future . I have been masturbating since I was 12 . A couple days ago , my 17 year old brother walked in on and me now he jokes around with me in a manner that I think is really uncomfortable . What can I say to him that doesn 't sound too mean but prevents him from acting this way around me ? ( age 14 ) I have never been caught masturbating but my mom makes me keep my door unlocked and open at all hours . Should I tell her that I masturbate or need privacy or something so I can be alone ? I hardly have any time home alone . ( age 14 ) When I masturbate , some preparation usually goes into it , like getting tissues or something at the ready for clean - up , but one night I was in a particularly horny mood . I had been browsing hot chicks . My mom was downstairs , with the TV up loud . So I thought took off my pants , obtained some arousing images and lay back to jerk it . Sometimes I like to just lie on my back on my bed , headphones on , eyes closed . I must 've been masturbating for a decent 5 - 7 minutes , and opened my eyes , to get ready to catch my ejaculate . When I opened my eyes , Mom was standing in the doorway . I got such a fright and scrambled to cover myself , but still ejaculated . She apologized and closed my door . I still just jerk it even if she 's around , being caught isn 't something to be afraid of . Thank you for your great site ! ( age 16 ) Long ago I when I was masturbating in the school shower , my friend caught me and he joined me and we jerked off together . We still masturbate together whenever he comes over to my place . I have noticed that my orgasms are more intense and more fun than when I masturbate solo . We both are pretty sure that we are straight and we masturbate together occasionally just for some fun . After reading your site , you seem to be quite against mutual masturbation . You say it 's personal activity but once in a while doing it with your bud is fun . I don 't think that masturbating with him has caused any noticeable change in my body . Am I missing something ? Can you tell me with reason why are you against joint masturbation when it 's so much FUN ? ( age 17 ) I don 't think I 've said I 'm against it ; when young people ask me about it , I point out that it 's being sexual , and most people are not sexual with their friends . If there is an age difference or some other kind of imbalance between the two , it is possible that one is trying to exploit the other . I would think by age 17 you would be better able to handle this than two 11 or 12 year olds would be , for example . Today I fell asleep after masturbating , and my dad caught me with my hands in my pants . He didn 't say anything , so I stood up and walked away , but I was so embarrassed that I cried in my room and I still can 't muster up the courage to face my dad . Should I talk to him about this or should I pretend like nothing happened ? ( female , age 14 ) My neighbor lady was mowing their lawn yesterday in a bathing suit . This was nothing unusual to see . After a half hour she caught my eye once again . As she drove her riding lawn mower in just her bikini she was having too good of a time . She was definitely having an orgasm . She made great orgasm faces and clenched her shaking legs together . I just had to masturbate to it . I opened my blinds and rubbed my penis as I watched her . It was the greatest orgasm I 've ever had . I think she briefly saw me . I now always try to be home when she is mowing their lawn . She sunbathes in her backyard regularly and just the sight of her in a bikini makes me orgasm harder than my girlfriend can make me . ( age 21 ) Yes , vibration will really do it for a woman , but it doesn 't seem to do much for men . Be very careful masturbating where someone can see you , even at your own window . Maybe especially at your own window . Earlier today I was going at it using pictures on my phone when I heard a knock on the door . I locked my phone and put it on my bed and told my female cousin to come in . We talked for a while and then I unlocked my phone . That picture I was jerking to was still on the screen . I don 't know if she saw it . I quickly changed apps and she didn 't say anything . Do you think she saw it ? She was looking at my phone before I unlocked it . ( age 14 ) If she was looking at the phone after you unlocked it , then she saw it . Even if she saw the picture , she didn 't necessarily connect it to you masturbating . But if she did , then she connected correctly . Yesterday my boyfriend came over to visit and my mom sent him to my room . He came in without knocking and saw me sprawled out on my bed masturbating . I really just wanted to die ! He went out to the living room and sat there and after a few minutes I came out and greeted him , but I just feel like things are not the same . I don 't know if I 'll ever be able to look him in the eye again . What should I do ? ( age 16 ) I don 't know that you need to do anything . He was the one who came in without knocking . He is probably more embarrassed than you are , or at least he should be . My first recommendation to you is that you just go on as usual and don 't say anything about what happened yesterday . If you really feel you have to say something , start by saying , " I 'd like to talk about what happened yesterday . " Then let him talk . He probably masturbates more than you do and has perhaps been discovered himself . Either way , this shouldn 't be an important issue in your relationship . I � ve been masturbating since I was 11 but I share a bedroom with my younger sister . I don 't like to masturbate in the bathroom . I 'm not comfortable there . I get the most privacy at school in the library where I can masturbate under the desk . Often I wake up before my sister and do it . It makes me happy and relaxed for the school day . Is it normal for me to be this horny ? Some days I feel like I just have to masturbate right then and I can � t even think about schoolwork . I read on here it � s not good to look at porn until I � m older . I was just wondering why other than getting caught . ( age 13 ) You can indeed get in a lot of trouble if you 're caught masturbating at school , particularly out in the open in the library . You can bet that whoever took that report last time kept a record of it , and the allegation will be more likely to be believed if a second student ( or worse yet , the librarian ) report you . Never masturbate in a place where you don 't have privacy . Lots of people your age feel sexually aroused often . But that doesn 't mean they have to masturbate every time they are . Wait until you get home . I advise against using porn at your age because you should be building your sexual imagination instead of importing other people 's fantasies . I am in the ninth grade now . I have had a tremendous urge to wank since I was a kid . I started masturbating when I was 8 and was able to orgasm without ejaculating . When I had just discovered the pleasure , I used to do it in class . One day one of my female classmates caught me red - handed when I was about to finish . That was six years ago . She told some of her female classmates , all of whom teased me to the hilt for the next few weeks . Now I masturbate only in absolute privacy but these classmates still keep jeering and teasing me about it . How can I make them stop ? ( age 15 ) You illustrate profoundly one of the consequences of being caught masturbating in public , even though you might not have known better six years ago . At your age , most of the girls and nearly all of the boys have started masturbating themselves , so they should feel more empathy for you now . Instead of acting very bothered by being teased , simply say , " I don 't do that at school anymore . " That will do more to shut them up than by you getting flustered . When I masturbate , I usually wait until everyone is asleep and pull my pants down underneath my blankets and rub my hand against my clitoris under the blankets . If someone comes in , I can then get my pants up really fast . I love your site . It 's very helpful . ( age 14 ) OK , but it would be better if you could masturbate whenever you feel like it and not have to wait until everyone is asleep . You would also enjoy it more if you had more range of motion instead of being forced to do it underneath the blankets . A lock on your door or a better expectation of privacy would translate to more enjoyment for you . I was on vacation and I walked in on my brother jerking off and watching porn . I walked out and went back to my room . I ended up closing and locking the door . I got really wet and started masturbating myself . I went to the kitchen for a second and noticed he had his door closed ; I got kind of sad because I wanted to see it again . I know that 's wrong . But later I told him don 't worry about it , all guys do it . Now I find myself masturbating more than I used to . ( female , age 14 ) I got caught masturbating at my friend 's house while he was at the store buying donuts . His sister who is 18 caught me and at first she just stared , then she started laughing at me . The next week while my friend was asleep , I went to use the bathroom and she came out completely naked and I got an immediate erection and almost ejaculated . She just looked down and smiled . After that we made out . Then I finally used the bathroom . Then while I was walking back to my friend 's , room I said goodnight to her and she was masturbating . I didn 't say anything . Then the next morning my friend asked me why it took so long to use the bathroom . I just said because someone was in it . Should I tell him that I have feelings for his sister and that she has feelings for me too ? You might be reading too much into the situation . She might be only sexually curious about you and not have feelings . It would be better if you discussed the situation instead of just randomly exposing your privates to each other while you are supposedly there to visit her brother . After you have discussed it with her , you can tell your friend as much or little as you want . He doesn 't get to decide anything . Many nights I stay at an accommodation for my work in another town . Some days back , I was in my room watching an erotic clip on my laptop . As it was late in the evening , I decided to masturbate . I was at it for a few minutes and was nearing orgasm when I noticed a pair of eyes reflecting in the mirror . I continued until I ejaculated . When I was walking up to the washroom to clean myself , I saw my landlord 's 21 - year - old daughter slipping away hurriedly from my window . The next day we met as usual but she gave me a knowing smile while chatting . I now feel that whenever our eyes meet , she gives me a mystic smile . I am wondering what do . How do I put an end to this ? Should I say sorry to her or just let it be ? ( age 32 ) Unless you 're interested in her sexually , it would be a good idea to find another place to stay . If you have to stay at that place during your work week , then try to have as little contact with her as you can , and definitely don 't let your eyes meet daily . She was the one who was peeping on you , and you have nothing to be sorry about . I have been babysitting a 6 year old for the past few months . One late night , when he was fast asleep and I was feeling horny , I went to the other room and started to stimulate myself . I was fully clothed . I only unbuttoned my jeans and inserted my right hand inside my panties . I closed my eyes to enjoy the sensations and was extremely close to orgasm when I noticed , to my horror , the boy had gotten up . He was rubbing his sleepy eyes and was looking at me from the doorway . I could not stop until I orgasmed and hastily made myself presentable , as he wanted me to sit with him in his room . He did not ask me anything but I am extremely embarrassed as I was all flustered , sweaty and was chewing my lips during my fingering session . Do you think he realized what I was up to ? ( age 22 ) No , I don 't think he did . But to be perfectly safe , if you have an uncontrollable urge to masturbate again while you 're babysitting , why don 't you take it to the locked bathroom . His parents will understand that you occasionally need to use the bathroom for a few minutes at a time , especially when he 's asleep , but they won 't be cool with you masturbating in their living room . If that person were to ask my advice , I would tell them not to worry partially because I also masturbate . But I don 't want them thinking I do if I don 't and I don 't want to think anyone else does if they don 't . I find it misleading to say for a fact that all parents are understanding about masturbation or that they 've all done it when some people are the exact opposite . ( age 20 ) I think people who believe they 'll never be caught masturbating are most likely to be . Now you 're making me hope you 'll get your comeuppance ! Masturbating is normal , healthy , and fun , and even necessary for male sexual health . It is no worse to assume that someone who doesn 't masturbate does than to assume that someone who masturbates doesn 't . Playing the percentages , nearly all males past puberty masturbate regularly or used to do so , and so have a majority of adult females . I masturbate every day at least once and I have a sister who is two years younger . Yesterday I did it right when I came home from school . Usually I do it at bedtime but yesterday I needed it right after school . I was doing it face down ( yes , I know it 's bad ) and my sister came in to see if I was home . I stopped right away and she didn 't see any private parts but she might have seen my butt moving . Do you think she knows ? ( age 16 ) If she 's 14 , she probably knows that all boys and most girls your age masturbate often . Whether she connected the movement of your butt to your masturbating at that moment , I don 't know . If she didn 't see anything obvious like naked pictures or your penis , then you might have gotten away with it . And so you know , I urge you to give up prone masturbation ASAP . I was masturbating the other day in the stairway to the terrace . Usually that 's a very private space and I can hear someone climbing so I stop if I hear anyone climbing . This time I was much too engrossed in my masturbation when my 20 year old cousin came up . I was startled and so was she to see me in that position with my erection sticking out . I tried to make an excuse of severe genital itching and she told me to apply some medication . As I was climbing down , she went up and I saw her burst out laughing like anything . Did she realize what I was doing ? She has been normal with me since that incident . ( age 14 ) She absolutely knew what you were doing . The stairway to your terrace is not a private space at all . I hope you 've learned your lesson and will now masturbate only in truly private spaces like your bedroom or bathroom . My bathroom window overlooks a residential apartment building . I was on it when I looked and saw my friend 's younger sister looking through my window flashing torchlight . I felt so embarrassed . I was suicidal , and I don 't know how to face her . ( age 18 ) There seem to be a lot of details missing from your message . I don 't know what " flashing torchlight " means . Was she using a flashlight ? To do what ? Was she flashing you ( i . e . , exposing her privates ) ? You say you were " on it . " On what ? Were you masturbating ? Since she was the one looking through your window , maybe she should be the one who is embarrassed . Don 't be suicidal and just lift your head high and greet her when next you see her . This morning I felt really horny , and my mom was out of the house , so I sat down at our shared computer and retrieved some porn , and I masturbated . I have done this many times and am very careful not to get caught , I always stop and look if I hear a noise . I put cream on my penis for lubrication . I was about to ejaculate listening to the moans of porn , and then I heard the door open . I quickly exited the porn and threw pants on and hid the cream . When I masturbate , I get really red on my chest and face ( is this normal ? ) and I forgot to put on a shirt . My mom came in and asked me what happened and she was getting mad at me and asking me what I did . I just flat out told her I was masturbating and she said , " oh , why didn 't you just say so then . " and then she acted like it was no big deal . I am an only child and my mom is a single parent , and it just feels so weird looking at her and talking to her now . ( age 16 ) The redness is called sex flush . It is harmless , but people can figure out what you 've been doing if they see it on you . It shouldn 't be weird talking to your mom now , since she was so cool about it . It also shouldn 't be a problem for you to get your own computer or other device to use in your own bedroom . Earlier today , my mom was at work so I decided to have a special extended masturbation session . I closed all the windows and blinds , locked the doors , and prepared a towel for my shower for when I was finished . I found some exciting material on the Internet and masturbated twice . Shortly after my second orgasm , I decided to finish the video and head to the shower . Then I heard my mom unlocking the door . I jumped up , closed out the window as quickly as I could , and ran into the shower . Luckily , my mom left shortly after I had gotten into the shower . She came home later that day and said nothing until she was off to bed . She said that she understood what I was doing , but if she caught me looking at porn ( not masturbating ) again she would do something about it . I 'm glad the situation is resolved , but I don 't know what to do in the future . Any suggestions for keeping it private ? ( age 15 ) Your mom 's issue is not with you masturbating but with your watching porn . I advise males your age to use their imaginations to masturbate anyway . If you can respect her wishes not to use porn in her house , I don 't think you will have trouble keeping it private . I went to my girlfriend 's house to go swimming for the day . She told me she invited a few our friends . I arrived when I was supposed to and her mother said she was watching TV in her room waiting for someone to show up and said I could go get her . Her door was closed and I said it was me . I heard her mumble something that sound like come in . When I went in , she was fully naked rubbing herself and moaning a little . I realized what she was doing after what was only a second and said sorry and closed her door . She called me back in . She said she was bored and wanted to have some fun . She invited me to have some fun too . As I started masturbating , she quickly was getting louder and she kept looking at me . I ejaculated into a tissue ( she had some in her room ) and then she suddenly stopped and asked if i wanted to " do it . " I kind of shrugged and said I don 't know , I would have to think about it . Then all day at the pool she was making advances toward me . One time she came around me from behind and grabbed my crotch . What should I do ? Should I do it with her to pleasure her even though this would feel wrong to me ? Or should I tell her I 'm not really comfortable with it . I 'm sure I would like sex , but I have morals and would regret it afterward . ( age 14 ) You should be honest with her that you 're not planning to have sex anytime soon . She will probably understand . I have been masturbating for about a year and a half , and I 've been keeping it very secret and private . However , sometimes , I just look at porn without masturbating just to get aroused . My parents are divorced . Yesterday , I was at my mom 's house , and I was really bored . I was in my room , so I decided to look at some porn , but I wasn 't masturbating . My mom walked in and demanded to look at what I was doing . I tried to close the tab but she saw it anyway . Instead of saying " it 's natural , never mind " like most parents would , she immediately starts yelling about how I 've lost her trust and it 's unnatural and bad for you and blah blah blah . She grounded me for a week , refusing to listen to any arguments in my defense . What should I do ? ( age 15 ) A few days ago , I was watching anime on YouTube and got a spontaneous erection . I thought I had locked my door , so I just paused the video , opened some photos that help me , and started masturbating . Well , the door wasn 't locked , as it turns out , and my mom walked in . I quickly closed the porn tab , but then my anime tab was still open , and the shot was paused on a frame of the shirtless male protagonist . My pants and underwear were , of course , still down . I don 't know how to approach this . My mom caught me masturbating , which I would ordinarily just leave alone , but for all she knows , I was masturbating to same - sex anime porn . I really want to clarify that wasn 't the case , but I have no idea how to do that . It is best if you don 't say anything . She might have seen you close the porn tab . Anime is nothing but a cartoon , and your mom probably doesn 't connect it to masturbating . I have been caught twice . The first time was by my dad , when I was wanking in the shower . He looked at me weird , then went out and told both my brothers that I was wanking in the shower . I did not find that to be cool . Mom taught me early on that masturbation was a healthy , fun and safe and was best done in private . She caught once when I was 18 , while I was by our private pool . I didn 't realize she was home . She quickly turned around , and said " Ooops ! " We both then laughed about it . Mom had come out to tell me that we had visitors on the way . Glad they didn 't catch me . ( age 19 ) About an hour ago , I was masturbating with my girlfriend on webcam when my dad opened the closed door and walked in . ( He only saw me , and I didn 't have any bottoms on . ) He just stood there and said , " Keep the door open for the cat . " Then he walked away , without closing the door . Now I feel like it 's really awkward . What do I do ? Luckily , I wasn 't near the point of ejaculation . ( age 14 ) A few days ago , my mother used my computer in my room , and today while I was on it , I saw that a link to a porn site I was on was clearly visible . Ever since then , my mom has been making me keep my bedroom door open to " let heat in . " Do you think she caught me ? More likely she thought it was cold when she used your computer . I started masturbating a year and a half ago . One night I was in my bed and felt very horny . The door was partially locked and I instantly started to masturbate , and all of a sudden I heard someone coming . I got worried because it was 2 : 05 a . m . So I stopped until the footsteps went away . It was my sister , 3 years younger , who wanted to ask something about her schoolwork . It was the first time that I was close to getting caught . ( age 15 ) I have read on HealthyStrokes . com that after you start ejaculating , you can 't stop , but I never believed it until last week . I forgot to lock my door and my mom walked in when just as I started squirting . She just said oops , sorry . When I came downstairs , she was extra nice to me . She is so cool . ( age 16 ) A couple of months ago , I was masturbating in my living room ( I was the only one home ) , and I had just finished and cleaned up and I got to to go to the kitchen . When I got up , I put my penis back in my pants and zipped up , to realize that my neighbor was at my door ( which is mostly see - through glass ) . I don 't know how long she had been there or what she had seen . I let her in , but then realized that my laptop was still open with porn on it on my coffee table . I hopped over the couch to close it . She asked me about shoveling her driveway , then left . Do you think she knew ? ( age 14 ) I started masturbating a few weeks ago and have been doing it every night at around 2 : 00 a . m . ( Everyone goes to bed at 10 : 00 p . m . ) . As usual , I opened up some porn and started at it . I was at the point of no return when I heard my door being opened ( my door handle has a broken lock ) . My sister walked in before I could do anything and she saw the porn ; I don 't think she saw me . I feel really awkward . ( age 12 ) People have to feel awkward sometime . Be glad you 've found something new that you enjoy . I know you enjoy it because you only started a few weeks ago and are already doing it every night . I have been thinking it over and the real problem when it comes to being caught masturbating is not being seen but rather the semen . It gets on stuff and cannot always be cleaned up fully . Eventually someone will notice . ( age 15 ) You did not ask a question . Nearly everyone who has supplied a story about being caught to HealthyStrokes . com was seen or interrupted by someone . I can 't remember a story about someone finding semen that didn 't get cleaned up . That doesn 't mean it hasn 't happened ; but really , who is going to inspect your space for signs of semen ? I don 't think the semen is the real problem . Semen is good . I was caught while I was masturbating . I imagined she was in the yard so I found the moment for masturbating but she was actually in her bed . I don 't know if she saw me or not . What should I do ? Does she forget about it ? I just want to die ! ( age 18 ) If you don 't know if she saw you or not , why do you think you were caught ? You will not die but you will masturbate again thousands of times . Just forget about this incident and be more careful the next 5000 times . So I 'm in the living room and my mom sleeps in the room it 's late at night and I can 't see the corridor where my mom 's at but if she peeked she could see me since it 's lighter in the living room . She just entered the bathroom I 'm not even sure if when she got out , she washed her hands , but she went back to the room and turned off the Internet . I go to the room and ask her to keep it on and she just softly said OK which she usually yells when I wake her up at night so I 'm not sure really . I 'm not sure either . I thought your message was going to be about getting caught masturbating , but you didn 't mention anything about masturbating or being caught . Try to express your ideas more clearly than that . The only place I can masturbate is the bathroom . I was doing my thing there and my mom walked in . I got up quick , and I was in a squatting position next to the toilet and she never saw me lying down , but I can 't shake the feeling that she suspected at least what I was doing . ( I had a shirt on but no pants . ) What are your thoughts ? She won 't get me a lock on my door . ( female , age 13 ) I was in my room doing my homework and I got very horny all of a sudden . I closed the door so I could rub one out very quickly . I was about to ejaculate when my sister and a few of her friends ran in my room . I yelled at them to get out but they stood there like they saw a ghost . I didn 't realize they saw me ejaculate on my stomach when I thought I was under my blanket . When they see me at school they just laugh at me with a red face . My dad took off all the locks on the bedroom doors except his and Mom 's . What should I do next time ? ( age 15 ) I was in my room . I left the door open , because I was getting dressed to leave , and my parents and brother didn 't care about that . The window was also open , and I had my pants down , no underwear . I started to milk the cow , then my dad walked in the room . He asked my brother to go downstairs as he closed the door . He said , " If you want to do that , you have to do it in private , with the window and door closed . " I agreed , but was I caught ? ( age 12 ) My brother was using my computer to order a pizza , and I was sitting next to him . While he was mousing , he clicked on my history tab , and even though I had cleared my history , it showed porn sites I had been to . It was only on screen for about three seconds before he clicked off . He didn 't say anything . Do you think he caught me , or just decided not to mention it ? ( age 15 ) As used on this page , " caught " means someone saw you masturbating . You were not caught . Your brother probably knows you use porn and probably that you masturbate . But if he 's old enough to order pizza , he does too . You have nothing to worry about . I got home early from school but was pretty horny from seeing my new teacher so I decided to masturbate in my room . I didn 't realize my sister had come home only a few minutes after I did . I was getting really into it . I had a picture of a really hot babe up on my computer , and I was mere seconds away from orgasm when my sister opened my door to see what all the noise was . At first I freaked and tried to hide myself , but I knew she already saw . She apologized and said she 'll knock next time . I manged to continue and finish and was happy with the outcome , so I had no need to be ashamed of something so natural and fun . I masturbate at least once a day , and it 's so exciting ! I even put up a few pictures of babes I adore ! ( age 15 ) I was feeling very horny one evening and decided to wank off . I did not bother to close the curtains though my room door was secure . I reached orgasm pretty quickly in a few minutes and just started spraying when I heard peals of laughter coming across from the terrace alongside my window . To my horror , my niece who is going turn 14 next month had watched and now she was doubling up with laughter . I immediately closed the window but could hear her laughter for a good while . Though she has not told anyone in my family about this incident , she has a mischievous glint in her eyes whenever we meet . As we are next door neighbours , it is becoming quite awkward for me to face her . What do I do ? ( age 28 ) Just be normal around your niece . If she doesn 't already masturbate , she will be within a few years . She is old enough that people in your family wouldn 't think it right if she told on you . Be more careful about who can see you . A few months ago , I was upstairs masturbating when my mom called me just when I was ejaculating . She wanted me to come straight down and as I was walking down the stairs , I noticed a visible wet patch on my pants . Ever since then , she has been acting funny around me , and I think she knows what I was doing . How can I tell her that masturbation is normal ? It 's weird because my 16 - year - old brother doesn 't masturbate because he has Asperger 's syndrome so I seem to be the only one who does this stuff , and it 's awkward . ( age 14 ) Even if your mother noticed the wet spot , she might have thought you had a urination accident and doesn 't necessarily think you masturbated . And if she guessed that you masturbated , she guessed correctly . I find it hard to believe that she has been acting weird around you for months because of this . I also don 't believe your brother doesn 't masturbate . A web site about masturbation for people with autism says , " The sexual feelings and needs of individuals on the autism spectrum are no different than the rest of the population . " ( Melissa Dubie , " The ' M ' Word , " www . autism - help . org / family - masturbation - autism . htm . ) There is also a good chance your mother masturbates too , so I think you are making way too many assumptions . It was months ago . Just forget it . I 'm 80 but masturbate almost every day . My wife no longer engages in sex but my sex drive is like a 20 year old . The other night while I thought my wife was sleeping , I was doing myself pretty well when I happened to look up to find my wife watching me . She just laughed and said , " I don 't have to ask you if you 're enjoying yourself , because it looks like you are . Have fun , I 'm going back to bed . " I did have fun and really enjoyed the fact that my wife wants me to be satisfied . What a great story ! I hope I and all of my readers are in such good shape when we 're 80 . I look at naked girls ' pictures on my PC in my room during my masturbation sessions . My room does not have a lock and it is hard to close the door so I usually watch adult content in the early morning when my mom and sister are sleeping . However , my mom woke up and saw the light in my room . She thought that I fell asleep with the light on so she came in to turn the light off . I did not hear her , but I noticed that the door was open wider than before and I heard her in the kitchen . She did not say anything to me regarding that event . ( age 18 ) I just got caught tonight and I 'm so embarrassed . I was lying completely bottomless on my bed and my brother walked in and saw me with my hand on my pussy . There was absolutely no mistaking what he saw . He slammed the door and went away . I 'm too embarrassed to look at him now . He has gone to bed and I don 't know what I 'm going to say in the morning . ( age 19 ) Follow - up : No , he should not be as embarrassed as I am , since I am the one who got seen bottomless and masturbating . He saw me stroking my vulva . I can 't imagine being any more humiliated than that . You say " they are as embarrassed as you " a lot , but it just isn 't true . OK , but he is embarrassed too . I promise he doesn 't want to talk about it . He will likely be more careful coming into your room from now on . If it 's any comfort to you , sisters walk in on brothers masturbating a lot more often than brothers walk in on sisters . When I was 17 I was spied upon by my 19 - year - old sister from start to finish . I used to have asthma attacks , and my sister was attentive to my labored breathing . She had saved my life a few times during past attacks . After lightly hearing my breathing and asking through the door if I was OK she got the key and opened it just a crack . With my eyes closed and headphones on with music blaring loud , I had no idea she was there . I opened my eyes after finishing , and there she was leaning into the slightly opened doorway . She said " Sorry , I thought you were having an attack . " She must have seen me finish . She closed the door before I could say anything . I then got dressed and took about five minutes before I walked out of the room trying to figure out what to say . I apologized , saying I was sorry that she caught the end of that event . She immediately apologized for opening the door , and added why she did . To which I told her , please don 't apologize and in fact I thank you for having checked if I was having an attack . She said she was sorry because it didn 't take 10 minutes to figure out that I wasn 't having one . She said that she was sorry for having watched the whole episode . She said that she only stayed being stunned , but that afterward she figured that since I had not seen her that she would stay until I did see her before she asked are you OK . She wanted to see how it was done because she had never seen a guy masturbate before . I told her to seriously not worry about it . I highly doubt that there are many sisters who walk in on their brothers who would be as nonjudgmental , kind , not put down or laugh derisively , and be sensitive in humor over it . She is super special . And in retrospect I have no qualms that she had her lesson in watching me that day , because it was learning experience that many folks unexpectedly get , and for her it was not at the hands of some moron . ( age 44 ) You would have been within your rights to be mad as hops about that incident . I think you really might still be after 27 years . It only took a second for her to see that you were not having an attack , and at that point , nearly everyone would disappear for fear of being embarrassed . I was only caught masturbating once . It was about a decade ago , but it was very embarrassing . I was still living with my parents . I usually masturbated before bed or before getting up in the morning . It was summer so I was sleeping in my underwear and I took that off to masturbate . My door didn 't have a lock , but I felt safe because it was pretty early in the morning . Then my dad walked in to retrieve something . He was leaving for work , and I think he thought I would be asleep . I quickly covered with my sheets , but I am sure he saw what I was doing . He apologized and never ever mentioned it . ( age 34 ) I 've been caught a few times by my mother . She has no respect for my privacy , and the lock on my door does not work . Each time I 've been caught I was on my bed , with legs spread just enough for access to my vagina , and I was rubbing my clit through my clothes . She walked in to tell me something or to put clothes in . She always looks at me with a startled expression , and then looks down and walks out as if nothing happened . She definitely knows what I 'm doing each time she walks in on me , but for some reason she never mentions it . I expect her to get mad , but instead she just pretends she didn 't see me masturbating , which is actually quite a relief . I usually just get along with my business , assuming she won 't walk in on me again during the rest of my session . ( age 16 ) Your mother knows that girls and boys your age masturbate often , and she probably masturbates herself or used to . She has no reason to be mad . Why not work on getting that lock working ? About a year ago , I came home from visiting my girlfriend and was feeling horny but when I got home my mother was up watching TV so I sat with her and watched TV for a while when she got up and said she was going to bed . After about 10 minutes , I decided to have a quick wank on the sofa so I dropped my shorts and started to go slowly and enjoy myself . About 15 minutes into a fantastic wank , I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye at the adjoining patio doors . My mother happened to go out the front door and go around to the back . It was very embarrassing . ( age 19 ) I was upstairs in my parents ' bedroom and my mom was going to go to the pharmacy unbeknownst to me . I started wanking and she came to get her purse and tell me she was leaving . As soon as I saw the shadow of my mom in the hallway , I put my phone in the crack of the chair and tried to pull up my shirt but I couldn 't . She asked , " what are you doing with your pants down ? " I said I had used the bathroom and my pants didn 't go up all the way . Another time I did it and nearly got caught . I think she might have known because she said don 't do it again . How can I tell her it 's healthy ? ( age 13 ) You don 't need to educate your mom . The important thing is that you know it 's healthy . My older brother and I shared a bedroom ( twin beds on opposite sides of the room ) . I had gone to bed , and was asleep when he came into the room very drunk . He was never quiet , drunk or sober , when he came to bed . He stripped and immediately started stroking his penis . I was awake , but I didn 't want him to know I was watching . Trying to peek through slits of my eyelids , he busted me anyway . ( age 66 ) That doesn 't count as a " caught " story , because he wasn 't doing anything to keep you from seeing . He knew you were there and probably didn 't care . If he was very drunk , then he probably didn 't remember catching you catching him afterward . I was caught once when I had just started mastrubating . My stepfather came into my bedroom and saw me . I covered myself . He said he was sorry and walked out . We talked about it the next day and he said he was cool with it if I did it in private . I am 35 now and I still do it . I 've always had a weird fascination with being caught masturbating . I was in a youth home where the staff liked to catch and stop children masturbating , usually right at orgasm . ( age 55 ) I � m 14 and my sister is 13 , and she has a friend who sometimes comes over and stays overnight . She � s really a nice girl and I like her and it � s fun when she stays over . She � s also really mature and you can talk to her about things and she understands what you say . The last time she stayed overnight , I was in my room and really wanted to masturbate , so I started doing it lying on the bed . I thought I closed the door but maybe I didn � t close it all the way . Maybe I made some noise because my sister � s friend came in and saw me doing it . She saw everything . She just looked at me and I didn � t have time to move or get my clothes and she said she was sorry and went out . Later that night , she knocked on the door and asked if she could come in and talk to me and I said OK . She sat on my bed and told me she was really sorry for coming in before and said she didn � t think I was doing anything wrong and that it was OK to masturbate and that she was wrong for just coming in and wouldn � t do it again and she wouldn � t tell anyone she saw me doing it . Then she said she did it too and that it � s normal . I thought that was really nice of her . Then she said I could watch her doing it if I wanted , since she saw me doing it . I said no because I still felt weird about getting caught and I was afraid someone would catch us . But now since it � s been a couple of weeks , I � d like to watch her masturbating and wonder if I asked her , if she � d still let me . Should I ask her ? What if she says no ? I really want to see her doing it and she said I could after she caught me . It 's a bad idea to do anything sexual with a girl that young . I suggest you keep being friendly toward her , and maybe in a couple of years , you could pursue the idea of being sexual . I was sleeping in the living room of my father 's TV last night and woke up early . I wanted to go back to sleep but couldn 't so I masturbated under the covers . I wonder if he heard me . I know he didn 't see me . ( age 37 ) Your father 's TV has a living room ? I don 't know what your father heard . If he heard anything , maybe he didn 't care , and if you know he didn 't see you , then he couldn 't be sure of what he heard , if he even heard anything . You are also pretty old to be wondering if your father knows you masturbate . I promise he does . I 'd just gotten back from the gym and it had been a while since I 've had intercourse so I thought I 'd masturbate . My door was shut and usually no one bothers me at night . Not even two minutes later , my stepbrother walked in and stared at me . I was quick enough to cover up so he didn 't see anything but the only thing I thought to say was I 'm busy and he just laughed and stood there . I am mortified that this happened and I need to know is it bad or awkward that I was caught ? We are both dudes so I can 't help but think that 's not as awkward as a girl walking in . ( age 19 ) A girl walking in would have been more awkward , and Melania Trump and her Secret Service detail walking in would have been more awkward still . My point is that what happened was awkward all by itself . Your stepbrother didn 't seem to learn anything from his intrusion , so I suggest you either lock the door or remind your stepbrother to knock before he comes in , or both . Last week I had a sleepover at my best friend 's . I woke up and saw him naked and stroking himself . I got an erection and he noticed . He told me he wanted to see it and compare penises . I showed him . He suggested I masturbate too . I told him I was OK ( didn 't want to ) but then went to the bathroom and masturbated in private . He said we should masturbate together in the morning . Is he gay ? Am I gay ? ( age 15 ) My home has serious privacy issues ! For example , my sister will get annoyed at me for locking the bathroom door , because she " needs to use it too . " The bathroom is the only room in the house with a lock , and it 's super uncomfortable to masturbate anywhere in the bathroom , plus my parents and sister will get annoyed at me for locking it . What do I do ? ( age 15 ) I was home alone and I knew my family would be out for most of the day so took the opportunity to use the big screen computer in the family room . I watched a cam girl stripping with my pants down and got really into it . I could feel myself getting close to orgasm and I was feeling pretty freaky so I stood up and ejaculated explosively on the desk . I exited the porn and got some tissue to wipe it up . I 'd just finished cleaning up and flushed the tissues down the toilet when my brother 's very conservative Christian girlfriend walked in the front door . She had come to drop off some item for my brother but if she had come a few minutes earlier , she would have seen me masturbating or at least wiping up . From then on , I have always locked the front door when I masturbate at that computer . ( age 22 ) Your parents know that all males will be masturbating by the time they 're done growing . So your parents already know or suspect that you masturbate . If they discover you , it will not make any difference . The ideal time to masturbate is whatever time you 'll enjoy it . About half of male masturbation happens at bedtime . That is also the time you 'll be least likely caught . I made a trip with two of my closest friends last summer . It was a long journey ( two weeks ) and first I didn 't masturbate at all but after a week I just needed it . I was doing it in my bed , under the covers . It was a shared bedroom in a hostel . Only my friends were there . When I finished , I realized they were awake . There was so much semen , some of it leaked onto the mattress . They obviously also saw the tissue I used to wipe up . It was so embarrassing . They said nothing , but I don 't think they were really cool about it either . It was awkward for the rest of the trip . ( age 19 ) My family stayed at my grandparents ' house for Christmas and the whole extended family was there so a lot of people had to sleep in the middle of the house including my brother ( age 16 ) and me . He said , " Well , I guess I can 't masturbate tonight ! " and I said , " Sadly not . " We both laughed . That was the first time he ever said anything to me about masturbation . ( female , age 12 ) About 4 years ago I was staying at someone 's cottage . One afternoon I was in the mood to masturbate so I lay on the lounge bed in an outbuilding , stomach down , pulled up my dress and started to rub myself . I was quite far from the house and the bed was lower than the windows so I didn 't bother closing the curtains . When I looked up , two young men were staring at me with huge smiles on their faces . They caught me in the act . They were plumbers who had come to fix the shower but nobody warned me . I have never been so embarrassed in my life . Luckily I didn 't know them and have never seen them again . ( age 30 ) I was masturbating in front of my PC and my sister was sick and sleeping in another room and when it was going to happen , she saw me . I instantly hid my penis and she just said that I should not blackmail her or else she will tell my dad . Is it OK ? ( age 15 ) I was jerking off in my room last week without bolting the door when my 17 year old cousin walked in . She was startled to see me doing that and stared at me for a moment or two and then left the room with a smile . I was left red - faced . She did not say anything about it . She gives me a knowing smile when our eyes meet . Is she hinting at something ? ( age 20 ) I was alone at home . I decided to masturbate in front of the computer in my room . I don 't watch porn but only look at pictures of nude girls so I can hear if someone is near my door . Since I was alone , I didn 't close my door . Suddenly I heard our neighbor ( female , 35 ) in our living room and calling my mother . My room is next to the living room and she entered my room . I tried to minimize my browser , but it didn 't respond so a web site with plenty of nudity was on the screen . I managed to pull my trousers back . She asked me where my mom was and I answered that she was out of town . Then she left and didn 't say anything about what she saw . What should I do now ? ( age 15 ) You may contact the author via e - mail or if you wish to be anonymous , enter your questions and comments in the box below . Your question may be also answered on the male or female or prone pages . Click a button to go to a popular page on this site : HealthyStrokes . com is not designed to provide medical advice and does not provide medical advice . All material is for information only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice , diagnosis , and treatment . Please review the information contained on HealthyStrokes . com carefully and confer with your doctor , psychologist , or other health care professional as needed . Copyright � 2002 - 2017 by HealthyStrokes . com . |
It turns out we were on the same page as far as the spanking . He felt like the counting interfered with us talking and made the spanking feel more like a game instead of a tool to keep me on track . So the counting is out ( yay ! ) . He even apologized for the way it was handled . As for the unresolved issues that we were supposed to have dealt with , he was still on the fence . While they were on his mind , he couldn 't get past the idea that it was unfair for him to spank after he 'd already told me he wasn 't going to spank for it . So we agreed to let those go . He said I 'd be in trouble soon enough anyway . Since I had done my chores for the day , I just laughed it off . Steve did tell me he wouldn 't put spankings off anymore unless absolutely necessary . Since he knows it frustrates me to have him not do a spanking after it 's been hanging over my head for several days , he promised not to do that anymore . He will deal with it at the first opportunity , even if it turns out to be a week after the original offense . After our talk , we snuggled in bed and watched TV for a bit . Then he asked me about a chore that I was supposed to have done about a week ago . As much as I hated to admit it , I had forgotten it so it still wasn 't done . I offered to get up and do it right then , but I guess he felt like he needed to make a point . So he spanked me while giving one heck of a lecture ( probably one of his best lectures yet ) . And I went to bed with a sore bottom curled up in his arms . The chore in question was done first thing this morning . I had planned to knock out today 's chores right afterwards , but something came up that had to be dealt with ASAP . So I called Steve to get his okay to put them off until it could be handled . As it turns out , my ASAP situation didn 't take as long to handle as I thought it would so I got home in plenty of time to finish up and still had time to do some of the things I wanted to do . If you 've been following along here , you know that sometimes Steve puts off punishments for a few days and then ends up forgoing them altogether . He always says he doesn 't feel right punishing for something that happened days before . While I understand what he 's saying , it 's frustrating waiting days with it hanging over my head only to have nothing happen . Even worse , because nothing happens , I end up feeling guilty because it was left unresolved . Which leads us to the conversation we had the other night . From little comments Steve has made here and there , I 've suspected that he felt just as unresolved as I did . Every time I 'd ask him about it , he 'd say it wouldn 't be fair to me if he changed his mind after telling me I was off the hook , but he would never say if he was feeling unresolved about those punishments . Finally the other night he admitted he did feel unresolved . I told him I felt the same . So we talked about it for a while and agreed that we needed something so we could both move on from those missed punishments . Since Monday 's role affirmation was only a couple days away , we decided to wait until then . Then there was yesterday . We went to bed last night and initially it seemed like he had forgot , but then he remembered it was Monday . First he wanted to try a new position , me laying with my upper body on the bed and my legs hanging down . He also wanted me to count , something he 's never made me do before . On a side note , whatever genius came up with the idea to put spanking videos on a website that sells implements needs a swift kick in their hindquarters . Steve got way too many ideas . I lay there for a few minutes waiting for him to continue , but he never did . Finally I asked if that was it and he said he thought that was enough because I 'd been good lately . A lot of thoughts were swirling around in my head so I got up to think about things and try to get my thoughts straight so I could talk to him . One , it felt very disconnected . From the very first role affirmation when I told him that I needed to be talked to during it , he 's made a point to do it . He talks about slips I 've had , why they 're not good for us and the direction he wants to see us going . This time was different . He didn 't say a word other than to remind me to stay still or keep the count . I ended up feeling like the spanking had no purpose . Two , I 'm frustrated because I don 't feel like he handled those issues we both felt unresolved on . So I 've waited a couple days yet again only to have him not do it again . It was bad enough the first time he let stuff go , but for him to do it again after we had talked and agreed to deal with it really bugs me . The combination of things left me feeling rebellious . It also had me wanting to do something to provoke some reaction . But I fought down those feelings and did the right thing . Yay me ! I went back in the bedroom a little later to talk to Steve about what I was feeling , but ended up not saying anything because I was afraid my frustration would spill out . So here I am today still trying to get all my thoughts straight . I know I need to talk to him about what I 'm feeling , but I also know I need to do it the right way . I don 't want him to feel like he let me down or that he failed at being HoH . I know it 's a role he 's still growing into and there 's bound to be growing pains so I 'm trying really hard to be patient and supportive of his efforts . I 'm celebrating today . You see I have now entered the ranks of those with buns of steel . Last night for the very first time ever I broke an implement with my butt . I managed to get myself in hot water on Thursday for forgetting a chore . It didn 't help that the chore in question was one of Steve 's pet peeves . After he spanked me , he told me I had to do it the next day . He also said if it wasn 't done when he got home , there would be dire consequences . He spelled out those consequences in explicit detail so there was no question that he was serious about it . It wasn 't a pretty picture . It never is when it involves your most hated implements , the words deliberate disobedience and a promise of not sitting easily afterwards . I have a bad habit of procrastinating . Even though I know it 's better to get stuff done early so I can relax for the rest of the day , I put stuff off . If I happen to remember the chore during the day , I check the clock to see how much time I have left and then put it off some more . I keep putting it off until I 'm down to an hour , sometimes less . Then I rush around in a frenzy to get stuff done . A lot of times it works . This time wasn 't one of them . Since the chore would only take me a few minutes to do , I put it off until the last minute . Steve got home earlier than I expected and I was busted . Later that evening we were in the bedroom . Him swatting fast and furious . Me laid across the pillow struggling to stay still and submit to the spanking . About halfway through the spanking , I thought I heard a faint snap . A few seconds later Steve said " Well that didn 't last long . " I looked up from the pillow I had my face buried in to find him holding the handle of the paint stirring stick in his hand with the upper part of it hanging down . Apparently he hadn 't realized it broke until he went to swat me again with it and felt the upper part hit his hand . I cracked up . He let me have my laugh for a minute before continuing on with the remaining implements . I ended up getting off a little easier than Steve planned thanks to our dog . He 's a small dog , but thinks he 's a lot bigger . He 's also very protective of our family , especially me . He has got between me and Steve before and once bit the wooden spoon I was being spanked with . But for some reason we forgot to put him out like we usually do . About the time the paint stick broke , he realized what was going on and came rushing out of the blanket to protect me . He started barking and growling at Steve . When that didn 't work , he got in between us to block the swats . After moving him a few times and having him get right back in the way , Steve gave up . I think my little hero deserves a steak . Then I 'm going to go do a Buns of Steel workout . Now that I know my butt can break an implement , I 'm setting my goal for the wooden spoon and hanger . I 've been debating about writing this post for a few days now . Some of my hesitation was because I was embarrassed over it . I also didn 't want to put the whole experience down in words because then I would have to face up to the fact that I let my stubbornness and procrastination carry me into a battle I had no hope of winning . It all started when Steve told me to clean up the living room . I protested because the mess was mainly his and our daughter 's mess . While taking care of the house is my responsibility , I didn 't think it was asking too much for them to pick up after themselves . After all , I may be a wife and a mom , but I 'm not a maid . I got stubborn about it and dug in my heels , refusing to do it . When he came home , it wasn 't done . Needless to say , he was not happy and I got spanked over it . On the second day , he told me again to clean up the living room . I actually started to do it , but the more I picked up stuff they had been too lazy to pick up themselves , the madder I got . So I said the heck with it and went to do something more fun . You guessed it . I got spanked . It seems he doesn 't consider a chore done until it 's completely finished . I was still feeling stubborn on the third day , but a little leery of yet another spanking . So I decided to work a little more on the living room and then do some other chores . I guess I figured it would work because it was showing some effort on not only the chore he gave me , but others as well . I figured wrong . By the fourth day , I was tired of getting spanked , especially since each one was worse than the previous one , and I was determined not to get another one . I procrastinated the morning away , figuring I had the afternoon to get it done . But some unexpected things came up and I didn 't get a chance to do it . That threw him a little bit . One on hand , he was tempted to be lenient because he knew the stuff that came up was stuff that I could not put off . He was also proud of me for confessing and accepting responsibility for it without making excuses . On the other hand , he knows I don 't do well with inconsistency . So he decided to go forward with the punishment , but temper it because there were some mitigating factors . But by the time we could get to it , he was having trouble keeping his eyes open so he put it off . He said he 'd try to get it in the morning if he had time before work , but if not , it would be handled the next night . Then we were at day five . We both ended up dozing back off after I got our daughter off to school . By the time he woke up again , he was running late so he gave me a hasty kiss , reminded me that the living room better be finished by the time he got home and took off . I was probably asleep again before he even made it out of the driveway . I ended up sleeping a lot longer than I planned and by the time I got up , I didn 't have a lot of time for cleaning before I had to pick our daughter up . I managed to get everything but the sweeping and swiffering done before I left . We had to stop by Walmart on the way back so it was close to four before we got home . I figured I would be okay because Steve normally doesn 't get home before five . I had just picked up the broom when I heard his truck in the driveway . I was devastated because I was so close yet would be getting another spanking because it wasn 't completely done . I took a chance and ran outside to ask him to please wait ten minutes before he came in . He knew why without me saying so , but I guess he felt bad for me because he said he had to unload his truck anyway . I sent our daughter out to help him and rushed to finish . A little while later , he finally came in . He looked around and said it looked good except I hadn 't cleared off the coffee table or end table . I started to make the excuse that it was his stuff and our daughter 's stuff but then I stopped . I guess all the frustration of the week caught up to me because my eyes filled up with tears and I told him that I was giving up and would just stay in the bedroom since that 's where I kept ending up . I turned and started down the hall to the bedroom when he called me back . He said he was proud of me for doing as much as I had . Then he surprised me by saying I was right about them picking up after themselves so they were going to help me by cleaning off the two tables . Steve ended up letting me off the hook for the spanking that had been postponed from the previous night . He said he felt like it would be unfair to spank me since I did finally get it done . So that 's the whole sad tale . You know my dad once told me I could outstubborn a mule . I just wish he 'd told me that I can 't outstubborn a HoH . Yesterday afternoon I was at Walmart with our daughter . We had went to pick up a few things and decided to wander around for a bit . We stopped off at the paint section because our daughter likes to get one of those paint color cards . It started out as something to entertain her when she 's little , but has turned into a habit . While we were there , I decided to check out a paint stirrer stick since I 've heard about them on a few blogs and Steve had mentioned a few nights before that he wanted more implements . Why he wants another one already is beyond me . We just bought a new one a couple weeks ago . Not to mention he had the brilliant idea to use the back scratcher the other night and it now resides in the drawer with the rest of his implements . The more important question is why was I even considering helping him in his search for new implements since in hindsight , I wouldn 't have helped with the ones we already have . I guess I 'll have to plead a temporary case of insanity because I left the paint department with a paint stirrer made for a 5 gallon bucket of paint . The thing is nearly 2 feet long . Anyway , we did a little more shopping and then headed to the register . The cashier rang up everything , gave me my total and I went to swipe my card only to hear the lady behind me in line yell " Wait ! " The cashier and I both turned to her and that 's when she said it . By the time we got home , Steve was just getting out of his truck . I got our daughter busy with cartoons and showed Steve my new purchase . Then I told him the whole sordid story about my adventure at Walmart . After he got done laughing his butt off , he informed me that they are also called paint paddles , a fact that the woman in line obviously knew even though I didn 't . One of Steve 's oft - used expressions during spankings is " This hurts me more than it hurts you . " I 've always disagreed and once responded in a fit of frustration " You should try being on this end . " ( Remember OTK Conversations ? ) The first time I said it , he got cracked up . He ended up laying down the spoon and pulling me in his arms , at which point we both laughed until we were close to tears and the punishment was forgotten . It has become our thing during spankings . He says his line and I say mine . It no longer works to end a punishment , but it does remind both of us that the reason we are doing this is because we want to have more of those laughable moments where we genuinely enjoy being together and living in harmony . Once after a spanking , I was feeling frustrated and trying to explain to Steve why I sometimes fight a spanking , either by protesting before it starts or by moving out of position during it . I told him it hurt and since he was the one wielding the spoon , he just didn 't understand how it felt and how hard it was to submit to it . He got quiet , a sure sign that he 's thinking . A minute later he handed me the spoon and rolled onto his stomach . He told me I was right and he was giving me an opportunity to show him how it felt . To say I was surprised was an understatement . I was so stunned by it that I just sat there holding the spoon in wide - eyed amazement . I mean how many spanked wives get the chance to give their HoH a few swats ? Was it a trick ? But he kept laying there quietly waiting for the swats to land . I tried . I really did . After all , this was a once in a lifetime , probably never ever going to be offered again opportunity , one I 'd be kicking myself for passing up the next time I found myself over his knee with that darned spoon warming my bottom . I 've playfully swatted Steve with my hand before when we were playing around , but this was a whole different ball game . After a couple minutes , he lifted up on his elbows and looked at me . He looked from my face to the spoon laying on the bed beside me , then sat up . I took his hand , turned it palm up and laid the spoon in it with a rueful smile . I told him I couldn 't do it because it didn 't feel right . For the record , I wasn 't talking about doing away with domestic discipline . I was talking about the system for getting housework done . When we first started , Steve would give me a few things to do each day . It might be cleaning out the fridge , making some important phone calls or doing a load of laundry . I always had at least two chores , but usually no more than five . If he knew one of the chores was a time - consuming one , he 'd only give me a couple chores . On days that the chores were easy ones , I would get more . You get the idea . The only problem with that system is that he sometimes forgot to give me chores and I 'd end up with a chore - free day . Not that I 'm complaining , but things weren 't getting done . And he didn 't always notice other things that needed to be done and I wasn 't exactly forthcoming about those . So we decided a new system was in order . I did a little research and settled on the FlyLady system . Each day had specific chores . For instance , I decided that Mondays were when I would dust and wash towels . Each week focused on a specific area of the house . Ideally the area would be done by the end of the week , but the goal was to spend some time each day working on that area . I wrote out the plan and took it to Steve for approval . He said it looked good and we were off . It was a good idea in theory , but failed miserably in execution . There were a couple reasons it failed . The first reason ( the main one ) is that Steve could never keep up with what I was supposed to do each day so he usually just assumed I had done it . If he asked me , I would tell him , but for the most part , I had a don 't ask don 't tell policy . This caused two reactions in me . I got frustrated because I worried about being in trouble only to have nothing happen and I was tempted to keep doing it since it went unnoticed . The second reason was that it wasn 't flexible enough . Take my recent illness . Admittedly there were some days that I could have done some chores , but there were also days when I didn 't have enough energy to get out of bed , much less do chores . Did I do them anyway regardless of how bad I felt , roll them over to the next day or skip them altogether ? So last night we hammered out a new arrangement . Laundry has to be done Monday , Wednesday and Friday . He doesn 't care what I wash on those days as long as I do at least one load each of those days and by the end of the week , we all have clean clothes , towels and sheets . If I know a chore that needs to be done and I know he probably won 't think of it , I have to suggest it . Otherwise , each day he will give me the chores that he sees need to be done . We would have talked about it and I would have tried my damnedest to talk you out of quitting . Because I like the way things are now . I 'm not just talking about the house either . We get along a lot better now . At that point , I smacked him with a pillow . He retaliated by tickling me . We laughed and played for a bit , then snuggled up and fell asleep holding hands . And all was good in our world . My weather forecasting skills must be on the fritz . After two weeks of building , I was calling for one heck of a storm round these parts . The kind of storm that brings a deluge of rain , thunder rumbling loud enough to shake the windows , lightning streaking the sky and wind whipping through the trees . I was all set to hide out until the storm was over and calm weather returned . That 's not the storm that arrived last night . The evening got off to a slow start . At the appointed time , I dropped our daughter off at her grandparents ' house . It took me close to an hour to get away myself because they wanted to catch up . I thought for sure Steve would be home when I got there , but he wasn 't . About an hour after I made it home , Steve finally arrived . I walked out to greet him , only to see that he wasn 't alone . He had brought home a coworker . Apparently the coworker 's wife was supposed to come pick him up when he called to tell her he was off work , but she wasn 't answering the phone . So Steve came home , swapped to another vehicle ( his work truck is terrible on gas and the guy lives on the other side of town ) and took him home . Then Steve 's phone rang . I have a love / hate relationship with that phone . I love that I can get ahold of him any time I need to talk to him . But I hate how it always seems to ring when we 're trying to get some alone time or having a conversation . Prior to DD , I once jerked it out of his hand , turned it off and shoved it to the bottom of my purse because he kept taking calls while we were out on a date night . Anyway , the call was from a friend who had just got home after having surgery . After being cooped up in the hospital for a couple days , he wanted to come over . To Steve 's credit , he told the guy that it would have to wait because it was our alone time . BUT instead of hanging up , he continued to talk to him for a while . Once he got off the phone , we were down to less than an hour before we had to pick our daughter up . Needless to say , I was not happy . I was really fighting to not let my frustration get the better of me . I mostly managed although a " I don 't know why the hell I even bother . " did slip out . He caught up to me as I was leaving the room , turning me to face him and lifting my chin so we were eye to eye ( well as eye to eye as we can be considering he 's taller than I am ) . He apologized that our evening didn 't go as planned and told me that the punishment I had coming would still be carried out , just delayed until our daughter was home and in bed . Then he left to go pick her up . While he was gone , I kept thinking and my frustration kept growing . After two weeks of having a punishment hanging over my head , I was not happy to have to wait any longer . As a result , by the time he got back , I was feeling kind of feisty . I might have even told him that he may as well just go to bed because I was NOT coming in there so he could spank me . When he told me I would have to come to bed some time , I said I 'd sleep in the recliner in the living room . I can already see you shaking your head and saying " Oh Dana , why do you insist on digging deeper when you 're already in trouble ? " Once in the bedroom . I laid my head on his lap and he stroked my back while we talked . Then he put me in position and got started . It was over quicker than I expected . He granted me grace . A lot of it . In all honesty , more than I deserved . Yesterday was our four month anniversary since deciding to implement domestic discipline into our marriage . Looking back at all the changes it has brought to our relationship , I regret taking so long to work up my nerve to talk to Steve about DD . If I had brought this to him when I first started thinking about it , we 'd be close to celebrating two years by now . Given how easily he agreed to it , I find myself wondering why I was so worried about his reaction that it took me a year and half of thinking before I talked to him about it . Last night we were laying in bed watching TV together when he commented that I seemed like I was feeling better . If you read my post earlier this week , you know what that means . I jokingly replied that I was still sick and gave a few fake coughs as proof . He just laughed . Truth be told , although I 'm still not completely well , I am feeling a lot better . I 've even managed to catch up on some of the housework I was behind on . He decided to wait until this evening since we 're going to have the house to ourselves for a few hours while our daughter visits her grandparents . Once I heard that , I was all set to make a quick getaway before he changed his mind , but he had other ideas . As soon as I sat up on the edge of the bed and reached down to put on my slippers , he surprised me by saying I was to stay put or else . Since I had already dodged a major bullet for a day , I decided not to chance finding out what the " or else " was . So I laid back down beside him under the quilt . He reached our for my hand and intertwined his fingers in mine . We lay there talking for a while before settling into a companionable silence as he watched TV and I let my thoughts wander . It 's funny how our relationship has changed over time . Early in our relationship , we were always together . If he went in the bedroom to watch a movie , I was right there beside him . If I curled up in the living room recliner with a book , he would play on the computer in the same room . As time passed , though , we started spending a lot of time apart . We were still under the same roof , but most of the time we were in separate rooms of the house . I used to fuss about us not spending time together . I felt like I didn 't get any time to myself with him . But I was just as much to blame for it as he was . Now that Steve 's found his inner HoH , he has been insisting on it me staying nearby more . Even if I 'm not watching TV with him , he wants me close so he can see and touch me . So when he turns on COPS for the fiftieth time , I grab my laptop or a book and head to the bedroom with him . Because even if we 're both busy doing our own thing , I have to admit I like knowing he 's close enough I can see and touch him too . Things have been kinda peaceful around here lately . You might even say they 've been spank - free for a bit . I 'd like to say that it 's because I 've been a perfect angel and haven 't done anything to land myself in hot water , but I can 't . This is just the calm before the storm . If you look closely , you can see the storm clouds gathering on the horizon . It 's only a matter of time until the storm arrives . It all started when I got a cold , a cold I generously shared with Steve ( wasn 't that nice of me ? ) . His ran its course within a few days . Mine , on the other hand , has got progressively worse . I 'm not surprised . Thanks to numerous respiratory infections as a child , I have weak lungs . Add in asthma and me being a smoker ( dumb , I know ) and I 'm a magnet for respiratory illnesses . A cold almost almost turns into bronchitis . Or worse . After a scare with my breathing Thursday night , I was told to go to the doctor so I could get some antibiotics . I ended up sleeping nearly all day Friday until it was time to pick our daughter up from school and then we ran errands . By the time we got home and I remembered I was supposed to call the doctor 's office , it was too late . Steve was not pleased . It wasn 't the first time that week he had been unhappy with me . You see I may have taken advantage of not feeling well to get away with some things that I normally wouldn 't have . Things like letting the dishes pile up , skipping chores and being a little less than respectful . It 's not that I set out to misbehave . I 'm just feeling so crappy right now it 's easy to give in to it and let stuff go . But I didn 't get spanked . When I asked him why he didn 't , he said he 's not going to spank me while I 'm sick . He wants me healthy so I can focus on why I 'm getting punished . So in the meantime , he 's keeping track of my offenses and they will all be handled once I 'm not sick anymore . At the rate I 'm going , that 's not going to be for a while . Common sense would say that if you 're already in trouble , it 's probably a good idea to start behaving and not get in any more trouble . But I guess all the cold medicine and breathing difficulties have messed with common sense . Instead the little devil on my shoulder has come out to play . With a quick jab of her pitchfork , my angelic side was sent tumbling down . The little devil is in control and whispering things like " You 're already in trouble , may as well enjoy it . " in my ear . So even though my bottom remains unspanked for now and has been for going on 2 weeks , it 's just the calm before the storm . Once I 'm back on my feet again , Steve will have me flipped facedown over his lap and a storm all his own will be raining down on my backside . Neither of us will enjoy the storm , but we both know it 's necessary to send those storm clouds away so we can get back to our sunshine . fair weather . Note : This post was originally written October 3 , 2012 . Since then , more implements have been added . Scroll to the bottom to find the newer ones . Early in our DD relationship , Steve mentioned that he wished we had a bigger spoon . I foolishly graciously decided to surprise him with one . I found this one ( Mainstays wooden turner ) at Walmart for a mere $ 3 . As you can see , this spoon is squared more than the typical wooden spoon . While I haven 't been spanked with a wooden hairbrush ( we don 't have one ) , I would say it 's probably similar . It 's sometimes used for warmups . For minor offenses , Steve uses the spoon for the entire spanking . It has some sting , but is more thuddy . The sensation wears off pretty quickly . There 's nothing fancy about it . It 's just a plain leather belt . I bought it for Steve when his old belt fell apart because he 'd had it for years . The belt isn 't used a whole lot , probably because it 's not as handy as the other implements which are stored in the dresser beside the bed . He 's also said it 's kind of awkward to use , which is probably why it 's not his first choice . Steve does wear it when we 're out and about or traveling as a subtle reminder though . It 's somewhat stingy and the sensation lasts a little longer than the spoon . Plastic Hanger I made the mistake once of telling Steve that we needed some quieter implements because I didn 't like having to wait all day for a punishment . Even though I 'd read about hangers , since they were referred to as very ouchie and very stingy , I was not going to mention them . Unfortunately , he thought of it on his own . The hanger is used for major offenses and repeat offenses . It packs quite a sting , especially on an already warmed bottom . It can raise welts . I avoid it whenever possible . This one was found on a trip to the adult toy store . It 's a cat o ' nine tails . The name is a bit misleading because the tails aren 't knotted as they are with a normal cat o ' nine . When Steve first picked it up , he wasn 't too impressed with it because it looks kinda wimpy . After smacking his own palm with it a few times ( and hearing me yelp when he accidentally caught my arm with it once because I was standing right beside him ) , he decided he liked it and tossed it in the basket . It 's not been used a lot . It has a tendency to wrap so it requires some control . Even used lightly , it had a surprising sting . The sting stays with you for a while . Note : This one has somehow disappeared . We 've turned our bedroom upside down but it 's nowhere to be found . This is something I wouldn 't have originally thought of as an implement . For some reason , we have a bunch of these laying around the house . One night Steve surprised me by using one during a spanking . He was pleased with the results so it now resides in the drawer with the rest of the implements . It 's less thuddy than a wooden spoon , but still has some sting to it . Since it 's longer , it also leaves an impression across my entire backside . It rarely gets used because he finds our other implements more effective . Also known as a paint paddle , a fact I didn 't know until someone pointed it out to me . These are often given for free when you buy paint . Ours was purchased at Walmart for 28 cent . It 's made for use with five gallon paint buckets so it 's about two feet long . It is similar to the backscratcher , but packs more sting because it 's thinner and more flexible . They also appear to be less durable than other implements because it broke during a spanking . Of course since you can get them for free or next to nothing , it 's not a big deal to replace it . Wooden Dowels These were purchased after Steve learned about canes ( ugh ! ) . Rather than buy an implement he wasn 't sure would be effective or liked , he decided to go the cheaper route and buy something similar to try first . Hence the wooden dowel . They can be purchased for less than a dollar a piece at Walmart and I 've saw them in craft stores as well . They come in a variety of sizes . The smaller sizes are whippier and have more sting . The thicker ones have less flexibility and tend to be thuddier . The smaller ones tend to break fairly easy when used . I 've managed to break two already . I have to admit I was happy they broke because they are pretty stingy . Note : Now that we have an actual cane , these are pretty much no longer used . The Cane They 're fairly inexpensive . We got a set of two rattan schoolhouse canes for $ 10 . 99 from Cane - Iac . If you 're looking for a place to buy implements , I highly recommend them . They have good quality products , good prices and are fast shippers . As with the dowels , they come in a variety of sizes . The one we have is very stingy . The picture is of the one we have . I don 't like it at all . Unfortunately , because they 're more flexible than the dowels , the odds of me breaking it are very slim . The Paddle These can be homemade or purchased . Prices can vary widely depending on the size and the type of wood . I think ours was $ 18 . 99 from Cane - Iac . It 's both thuddy and stingy at the same time . Holes in the paddle can make it more stingy . Of course Steve wanted holes so that 's what we have . Like the cane , this is one I prefer to avoid when I can . Unfortunately , it 's one of his favorite implements so it makes an appearance at most spankings . Sometimes referred to as an icing spreader . In a brief moment of insanity at the dollar store , I tossed this in the cart . I had read about it a few times and I was curious . Ours is a double - headed one with an end for spreading and another for scraping . When he first saw it , Steve said it was wimpy . I was tempted to agree with him after the first few test swats but then he figured out the best way to swing it and I quickly learned that it can be stingy , especially when applied to the sit spots . The sensation also tends to linger for a bit . The first time we tried it , it didn 't seem too bad . It was a little stingy in spots , but nothing major . The second time , it had more of an effect . I don 't know if it was the difference in pain tolerance between attempts or he figured out how to use it more effectively . It 's more stingy than thuddy . From what Steve told me afterwards , when the side with the heart is used , it leaves a nice imprint of a heart on my backside . While I was buying our leather paddle , I happened to look through the close - outs on Cane - Iac and came across a rubber paddle . Curiosity combined with my love of a bargain had me throwing it in my cart as well . And since it 's made from recycled materials , it 's a green implement . It was only $ 9 . 99 . When used lightly , it has more thud . When used harder , it 's both thuddy and stingy . It also seems to build heat as I was still feeling the effects over an hour afterwards . For the purposes of this blog , I 'm Dana and my husband is Steve . We 've married and have a child together . Like most couples , we 've had our problems . After coming to the realization that my procrastination and disrespect was a huge problem in our marriage , I started exploring options . I came across domestic discipline ( DD ) a while back , but it took a bit for me to work up my nerve to bring up the subject with my husband . To my surprise , he didn 't think I was crazy for bringing it up and now we 've begun a new stage in our relationship . I 'm working harder to be the wife I should have been all along and have given him the authority to redirect me if I get off the path we 've chosen together . I started this blog for a variety of reasons : to document our journey ( in case we want to look back ) , to connect with others with DD relationships ( because everyone around me is vanilla to the core ) and to help work out issues I 'm dealing with ( since writing things out helps ) . I welcome others ' input so feel free to comment or email ( danaandstevek @ gmail . com ) . Join us and other like - minded individuals in chat for some great conversation . ADDS ChatThe ADDS chatroom offers a Sunday morning community sit down discussion , a Monday night topic discussion and bi - weekly HoH and tih chats . D & L ChatThe Discipline & Love chatroom offers Sunday night topic discussions . Both chats are free and do not require registration to join the conversation . Both are open 24 / 7 so if you miss the scheduled chats , you can still stop in for general discussion at any time . |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 16 , 2013 Two years ago , I started this blog . I began writing because I felt alone . I knew there had to be other gay men out there who were looking for the same thing I was , and I wanted a way to connect with them . At the time , I just ended my first gay relationship , and I found myself in very unchartered waters . I was already out to close friends , but not publicly . Because I had so few gay friends and a strong aversion to gay bars , I had to find a mate digitally . I began serial dating , at one point going on four dates in four days - And thus , One Gay At A Time was born . Since the beginning , I have gone on MANY dates and put myself in many situations well outside my comfort zone . I have not only grown more comfortable in my own skin , but I 've also grown up as a gay man . I got all the hookups out of my system and began searching for a meaningful , long - term relationship . The time has come for the next chapter of my life and for this blog . For quite some time I 've been blogging about CK ( aka Clark Kent or Superman ) . You 've gotten to know him through my eyes in the early stages of our relationship . It 's been some time since I 've blogged , and I apologize for leaving you , my readers in the lurch . I do not mean to abandon the small community I 've worked so hard to foster , but I 've been struggling with the next chapter of the blog . I had to make a choice between the blog and my man . It 's quite obvious which I chose . As a result , I will no longer be blogging about the specifics of my relationship with CK . However , in lieu of continuing to finish our story in a daily dairy format , let me catch you up on what has happened since July . Here are some of the highlights … In July , CK joined my family for our annual beach vacation . While I went for the entire week , he only joined us for a few days . It was the first time we 'd spent an extended period of time apart , and with my trust / cheating baggage , it was a true test of my sanity . I was thrilled and relieved when he finally arrived . It was also nice that he would finally get to spend some real - time getting to know my parents . In early August , I traveled to Miami , CK 's birthplace to surprise his family with a visit to celebrate the birthdays of his two beautiful nephews ( turning 1 and 2 only a week apart ) . I felt incredibly special taking this trip with CK . I was meeting his ENTIRE extended family . Before this point , I 'd only met his mother . I was welcomed into the family with open arms and came to grow strong bonds with them over just a handful of days . This was unchartered territory for both of us , as I 'd never been brought home to meet the family by anyone other than my high school girlfriend , and he 'd never brought a man home to meet everyone before . It could not have worked out better ! Around Labor Day , CK and I went on week - long vacation to the Hamptons with 15 of my friends and family . While there , our relationship grew very strained . I felt he was trying too hard to impress my friends . I wanted him to be himself so all of them would come to love the man I knew , not the man I felt he was trying to be for them . By the end of the week , I reached my breaking point . I was so stressed out from organizing the vacation and ensuring everyone was happy that I made myself miserable , and I took it out on the person closest to me . In the penultimate moment of the trip , one night we not only exchanged words but also fists and shoves , as my closest friends and sister witnessed the lowest moment of our relationship . It took a lot of time for CK and I to figure things out . This wasn 't the first time our relationship reached physicality , but I hoped it was the last . It also took a long time for things to return to normal between CK , me and my circle of friends . My sister wasn 't speaking to me for over a month and my friends had semi - ostracized me from typical gatherings . I burned a lot of bridges on that trip , and I am still working to rebuild them today . You can expect to read about my experiences and feelings dealing with issues such as physical violence in a relationship as one of the topics I will cover in coming posts . In September , CK and I found an apartment in Hoboken to call our own . We moved in together in the midst of Hurricane Sandy 's wake on November 2 . Although the experience of moving immediately following a hurricane is incredibly overwhelming , we are both stronger as a result of the experience . In my experience , moving in with a lover is unlike sharing a space with any other . You 'll certainly be reading about my experiences and the things I 've learned from this experience as well . After Sandy exhausted my last modicum of energy , I decided I was too tired to shave my upper lip . CK and I both decided to raise awareness and funds to fight prostate cancer by growing mustaches for Movember . I proudly raised over $ 500 for charity as a result of my stache , and I was thrilled when we both shaved them off - We both looked like pedophiles . For the first time in my life , I had someone to take home to meet my family for Thanksgiving . Before venturing home , I sent my extended maternal family an email to get the awkwardness out of the way . You 'll be pleased to know my family welcomed him with open arms . I imagine coming out to extended family creates a lot of anxiety for man , as it did for me , so I hope sharing my experiences will encourage more to share the truth with the ones they love . When I returned to Hoboken after Thanksgiving , preparations began immediately for what would have been my Sixth Annual Holiday Bash . This year , it became Our First Annual Holiday Bash . I finally had someone to share the hosting duties with , making it extra special . Although CK and I spent Christmas apart , after all the festivities with my family , I hopped on a flight down to Miami to spend the rest of the holiday season and New Years Eve with my man and his family . CK 's sister and brother - in - law planned a trip with their two boys to Disney World for two days . After a little persuading , I convinced CK we should join them . I preferred Disney to a raucous gay party any day , and it was truly magical to see Disney World through the eyes of a two - year - old . In February , CK and I took a romantic trip to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz , NY . Although it seems we can 't go anywhere without having some kind of quarrel like an old married couple , the trip was amazing and couldn 't have come at a better time . We went ice skating , snow shoeing , swimming , hiking , and much more . It was a perfect escape for both of us to get out of the city and away from the bustle of it all after the holidays . In between , there have been countless brunches , parties , trips , nights out , Broadway shows , fights … Oh yea , and plenty of sex - Can 't forget the sex ! Overall , things have been going well for us . You have good days and bad days , but you have to realize the bad days are just there so you appreciate the good ones all the more . I am thrilled to announce , this past Saturday , CK and I celebrated our one - year anniversary at the restaurant we went to on our first date , Frankies Spuntino 570 . Although we waited nearly an hour , the evening was perfect , and I look forward to many more years together . To my most dedicated readers who haven 't let me lack of posting stop them from commenting words of support on my blog , thank you . You are what has motivated me to get back into this once again . I feel like many of you have integrated my writing into your daily routines , and I have left you with your morning coffee in hand and no reading material . You will not see the frequency of posts you may have grown accustomed in the past , but I still hope you find time in your lives for One Gay At A Time . Recently , I was approached by HowAboutWe , a subscription service designed specifically for couples , to try out their services . I 'd heard the name before , but I had no idea what it was I was being offered . I went online to investigate further , and I was blown away by the opportunity before me . HowAboutWe had the direct line to some of the best dates out there . As I dove deeper into the site , I discovered that each month , CK and I would receive a new " DateBook " - filled with pre - planned , one - of - a - kind experiences here in NYC . These weren 't just ordinary dates - Broadway shows , dinner for two , cooking classes , driving experiences … The list went on and on . And , that 's just December . For our first HowAboutWe date , CK and I chose " In Due Course , " including a four - course dinner for two at celebrity chef Todd English 's restaurant Olives at the W in Union Square . The date was purely magical . CK and I sat down at a very cozy table for two in the corner . Our every need was attended to by the amazing wait staff who brought us a delectable meal consisting of 2 glasses of Prosecco , a crab toast appetizer , Rabbit Tagliatelle , 2 glasses of wine , Branzino A La Plancha , and the coup de grâce - Warm Chocolate Pudding Cake . Everything we ate and drank was spectacular . And , HowAboutWe took care of everything from the reservation all the way down to the tax and tip on our bill . It was utterly seamless . At $ 22 / month , HowAboutWe for Couples membership gets you so much : FREE HowAboutWe Dates - every month , sold - out tickets and members - only events , early booking on HowAboutWe Dates , up to 75 % off other HowAboutWe Dates , and rewards ( like buy one get one free tickets on Fandango ) . I challenge you to find a deal better than that ! I for one will continue to go back to HowAboutWe time and time again for amazing dates and opportunities . It 's tough balancing the working and dating worlds . Anytime someone can take a little bit of the work out of either , I 'm all in ! They get how busy I am . That 's why most dates are flexible and can be scheduled whenever I decide , except however , some are one - time - only scheduled events , like performances or special excursions . But , who wouldn 't rearrange their schedule for those experiences ! ? On top of that , this isn 't marriage - No big scary commitment . You can pause or cancel at any time . And , dates on HowAboutWe for Couples can also be purchased as a non - Member , without the Member discount and other benefits of course . I have to tell you , my immediate gut reaction was to say no . I have never used toys before . I 've always been a bit intimidated by them and never really felt a strong need for them . My body and the men in my life had always been enough toys for me . No need to bring electronics into the bedroom . I informed my boyfriend , CK about my new toy and anxiously awaited its arrival . This toy in particular intrigued me because I thought it might be geared just for me . Many times , in order to climax , I need my prostate stimulated manually . I 'd been with a lot of men , but CK was the first to finally crack this code . It was an immense relief on my own self - esteem as a man , and it did wonders for our sex life . So , in a way , a prostate stimulator was right up my alley ( pun intended ) . When my Mangasm Edge arrived , I was both excited and a little apprehensive . Few things have been in my backside over the years - A few fingers and a few man parts , but never anything other than that . I wasn 't quite ready to relinquish all control , so on the first test run , I didn 't engage with CK . On a night we spent apart , I broke out a pack of batteries , and after giving it a shot I was pleasantly surprised . I took things very slow , and there was a small bit of discomfort at first , but that quickly passed once I relaxed . I just wasn 't used to it yet . With a little maneuvering , I was able to find my " he - spot " with ease . And boy did it hit the spot ! I have to admit , I was worried about the vibration aspect of the Edge . I wasn 't sure that was something I wanted , but I figured I 'd decide that after feeling it first . When I got the vibration to the perfect amount , the pleasure increased dramatically . The good news is , the vibration is not just one setting . It is easily adjustable by the user . There certainly is a learning curve on the vibration aspect of this toy , but once you get it , you get it ! With the help of the Mangasm Edge , when I finally reached orgasm , it was amazing . It was different from any other time I 'd reached orgasm , and this new sensation was very much welcomed . I was one happy camper . I would highly recommend this toy for anyone who needs that extra little help to get him to climax . And , even if that 's not the case , it 's an overall fun toy to bring into the bedroom . So , if you 're interested in any of these products , roboticblowjob . com is offering 20 % off if you use the code : OGAAT . Christmas is right around the corner too . Perhaps that special man in your life could use a little more stimulation this holiday season . Gift the gift of orgasm this holiday season , cause who couldn 't use more of those ! ? Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on March 14 , 2012 Since my breakup with Smiles , I 've been making greater efforts to spend more time with friends . I didn 't neglect them while I was dating him , but I certainly didn 't shower them with attention either . They 're very important to me , and I wanted to make sure they knew they were appreciated . Of course , I also just loved hanging out with them , otherwise they wouldn 't be my friends . One of my old roommates asked me if I wanted to go out to the bar . It 'd been a long time since he 'd done this . It came quite out of the blue , but I was very happy for the invitation . Since we don 't live together , we get along much better . It wasn 't that we fought all the time while we lived together or anything . It 's just much simpler now . I look forward to bar nights with him . At the same time , one of the girls who I know from my annual Martha 's Vineyard trips was planning a birthday gathering the same night a block from my office . I asked my old roommate if he minded going there for happy hour . I thought it would make things convenient so I could spend time with both . It 'd been a long time since I caught up with both friends . My old roommate and I arrived at the bar early . We made our way through the crowd at Gingerman to the bar to order some beers . I offered to pick up the first round , as I generally do . I handed him his beer and we cheersed . It was at that moment I learned it was his birthday . I had no idea until he said something . I felt like such a sh * t . He was a close friend , and I was usually up on that sort of thing . I have everyone 's birthday in my phone , so I checked to see how I missed the date . It turned out I didn 't have his birthday in there , but with more investigation , I had scheduled it a month later on the same date . I told him how bad I felt , but also added , " At least I offered to buy the round ! Haha . " He laughed and quickly forgave my mistake . I thought about it for a second , and realized I was the only one meeting him for drinks . I was the one he wanted to spend his birthday with . I was touched and happy . We stood by the door because it was the only place we could stand , drink and have a discussion . He told me his plans to go to Atlantic City that weekend for his birthday with a busload of people . I wished him luck since it sounded like such a complicated situation . After some time , the birthday girl arrived . She came in and gave me a big hug . I introduced her to my old roommate , and we quickly caught up . She decided to make her way to the back of the bar to see if she could grab a table when the bouncer chased us away from the front door . My old roommate and I had already been back there and knew there were no tables , so I let her find out for herself after telling her that . He and I made our way to the front corner of the bar . Just as we did , a couch opened up . I texted the birthday girl to come join us . About ten minutes later , she finally did and brought the rest of her group over . I talked with my old roommate as more and more people filtered in . It was becoming an intimate little circle . I introduced him to everyone that joined that I knew . When the evening was dragging on , I decided I was read to head home . I had to take equipment home from work , so I was going to book a car service from my office . I invited my old roommate to join me since he still lives in Hoboken as well , and he accepted . I pointed out how I bought all his drinks and provided him a ride home , proving I wasn 't a bad friend who forgot his birthday after all . We said goodbye to the birthday girl and the rest of the group . She pulled me aside and told me how cute he was . I explained to her he wasn 't a love interest . I pointed out how she 'd met him at my Christmas parties , as well as his girlfriend . She was so confused , but I realized what happened . He was guilty by association . Because he was sitting on the couch with me , and because of my status as a gay man , everyone who knew this bit of information also assumed he was gay as well . As we walked to the car , I pointed out to him what happened . Even though there was nothing I could have done to prevent it , I apologized to him for it . He was oblivious to it , and he laughed it off . That night , I also had to say goodbye to another ex - roommate . He was still a good friend and tennis partner . He was moving to San Francisco for work , which meant I would probably see him once a year like my other San Francisco friends . I was very sad to see another friend go . Slowly but surely , all my friends were moving away or pairing up and falling off the face of the earth . I know this is part of getting older , but that doesn 't make it any less painful . My sister and I went to the bar where he and his friends were gathering . It was nice to get to see him since it had been so long . He 'd been quite busy with his new job , but now I 'd see even less of him . After I got to chat with him for a bit , I texted my other friends , D and his girlfriend and asked what they were up to . They wanted to meet up for drinks , so we decided to go to Cooper 's Union , where I know the owner and bartender . We met them there , and the whole lot of us wasn 't charged for a single drink the entire night . He always took great care of me and my friends when he worked at my usual watering hole . Now that he branched off and opened his own bar , the attention only got better . I had a great time with everyone that night . I got to see so many of my friends . Normally I 'm too lazy to do any of these things . I always bail last minute out of selfishness , but I was trying to be better about it . It was already paying off . I had a really great time . In the middle of all this , a gorgeous man walked into the bar . I 'd seen him many times before . I 'd actually seen quite a bit of him as well . He was a usual at my favorite bar , and he was a usual at my gym in the city . Apparently we both lived in Hoboken , and we both worked in the same neighborhood . I 'd had a crush on him for a looonnnggg time , but had a very strong feeling he was straight . He was still gorgeous and fun to look at . At the same time , I noticed he caught my sister 's eye as well . It 's ironic , but we have the same taste in men periodically . We both acknowledged shared interest in him , but I pointed out to her it wasn 't even worth a battle . She 'd already won . There was almost no question in my mind he was straight " How do you know ? " she asked . " I can just tell . But , I can also tell you he looks great with no clothes on - At least from the backside anyway , " I added . We both laughed and she continued to ogle him from afar . I did as well , but I was much more discreet about it . When I was tired and it was time to go home , I gathered everyone to make our way home . Of course I wasn 't going to walk out without paying . I gathered cash from everyone and handed him a wad of cash before walking out the door . I had a great night . I saw a lot of my friends in one night , I got to scope out a hottie I 've had my eye on , and I had cheap drinks . Maybe single life was working out well for me . Maybe it was time I tried that for a while … Maybe not … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 2 , 2012 Christmas day had passed . My time home was coming to an end . I was happy to be home , but I was also anxious to get back to normal life . The morning after Christmas , my father and I decided to do a little shopping to see if we could land any special deals to kill time . I would also finally be in cell phone service , so I could text Smiles and wish him a safe flight . When I got into service , I got an influx of text and picture messages . He 'd sent me quite a few , keeping me updated on what he was up to . I really was missing him and quite anxious to get back to see him . I proposed we do dinner at my apartment since he had to postpone it before the holidays . He texted back in agreement . I was finally going to get to make us the standing rib roast . I told him I missed him , and he responded , " I miss you too ! 🙂 " I could have melted into a puddle right there . This was so unlike him to express his emotions like this , but I was eating it up ! The day after Christmas is always spent with my father 's side of the family . We all gather together for a nice potluck meal that rotates from house to house year to year . This side of the family has also shrunk significantly . My grandparents have been gone since I was quite young . My father 's brother is in rough shape these days from his battles with diabetes . His sister died a few years ago and her husband is in a nursing home . I rarely see their daughter , my cousin since she moved away and got married . That left one sister whose husband also passed away a few years ago . But as that generation was shrinking , another was growing in leaps in bounds . The living sister has 5 children , all of which are married and have become baby making machines . They now outnumber the four of us five to one . The gathering is always a lively one with many children running about . Christmas is one of the two times I spend with this side of the family each year ( the other being an annual family reunion ) . We also have an annual tradition of a " Yankee gift swap " or " white elephant sale " depending where you come from . The tradition has lost a lot of its allure as my cousins have adopted a new tradition of buying crap at Wal - Mart and Big Lots the day after Christmas for half price . My sister and I had to work the Tuesday after Christmas , so around 5 : 00 we hopped in the car and made our way back to Hoboken . When I got back to my apartment and unloaded all my presents from home , I picked up the phone and called Smiles . Sadly , it went straight to voicemail . I was hoping to relax after a long car ride with some time talking to him , but alas , that wouldn 't be the case . My roommate arrived home , and we swapped all our holiday stories . We plopped down on the couch and started to catch up on the programs we saved on the DVR . After some time , Smiles called . I think if you were in New Jersey when the phone rang , you may have seen a beacon of light in the sky that was my smile . He told me about his trip home and the ordeal he went through . When he got back to the city , he 'd gone out with one of his female friends for dinner . He devised a new plan to work out of her apartment going forward so he would be more productive than he was working out of his apartment . He felt if he had a place to go to every day that wasn 't in line of sight of his bed , he would get more done . I told him I thought it was a great idea . Even though they wouldn 't be coworkers , they could keep each other on task . Either that , or it would be a complete disaster , and they would be a constant distraction for each other . I 'm quite the hypocrite , you see . I complain about the treatment of Valentine 's Day and New Year 's Eve as a special holiday for couples , when I really just fancy another holiday more . I just hate the weight put those two days , but for me , Christmas carries much more weight . I woke Christmas morning and hopped the shower . I 'm so tired of seeing pictures of me Christmas morning with greasy hair and scruff . The timetables are quite turned on their head since I was a kid . My sister and I would sit at the top of the stairs waiting for my father to come home from the morning duties at the farm . On top of that , we 'd have to wait til he showered so we could stand to be in the same room as him . Nowadays , my sister and I are the last to wake . I knew I could leisurely shower , as my sister would still be asleep until someone came to wake her . My mother 's side of the family came to our house in the afternoon to celebrate the holiday . We always spent Christmas afternoon with my mother 's side of the family , but this year was a little different . My uncle and his recent wife were not attending because she was due to have a baby in January . One of my aunts and her husband always came for New Years , not Christmas . This would also be the first Christmas without both my grandparents . It was a little more solemn for me . The only attendees were my aunt , uncle , and three cousins . I waited until a convenient time to sneak away so I could call Smiles . I wanted to make sure I wasn 't interrupting his Christmas plans . I went upstairs to my parents ' room to call him around 5 : 30 . I got no answer . I 'm not out to my extended family , so I then began to worry he would call back , and his caller id name would splash across the television screen , as does everyone 's name who calls . I worried my extended family would see a man was calling me on Christmas . I 'm not sure why I worried . I 'm not ready to tell them just yet , and I suppose I didn 't want them to jump to their own conclusions before I had a chance to properly tell them . Smiles did call back , but not until 10 : 00 after everyone had left . I took the phone up to my room and talked to him for quite some time . Our phone conversations never lasted long , so it was nice that he didn 't cut it short . He told me about everything he 'd been doing with his family . It was nice to hear he finally relaxed around them and realized they loved him no matter what state his career was in . It was a nice Christmas present to get to chat with him and feel closer to him even though we were miles apart . I had an agenda as well . There was a question I needed to ask before it was too late . I was very nervous to ask this question . I 'd failed to ask it once already on the way to the airport . I was afraid of the disappointing answer I expected . In the middle of our conversation , I asked him , " Can we spend New Year 's together ? " In a shocking reply without thought , Smiles said , " Sure . I was going to [ my friend 's ] for a party . I 'll just tell him I 'm bringing a plus one . We chatted a bit more before ending the conversation . It was quite a nice Christmas gift to know I had New Year 's plans . I was beginning to worry I would spend New Years on my couch alone . All my friends had plans that didn 't involve me . I was already picturing myself in bed at 7 : 00pm . Knowing I had plans was great , but knowing I would spend the night with Smiles made my night . I walked around the rest of the night with a smile from ear to ear . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on January 30 , 2012 Smiles was halfway across the country and Christmas was rapidly approaching . There 's something about dating someone over the holidays that makes you really appreciate that person . There 's also something to be said about being single over the holidays that makes me utterly depressed . I was happy to be on the dating side of the fence this year , but I would certainly miss Smiles . While he was home , he sent me periodic texts out of the blue . I got a few picture messages of him and his mother 's dog on the beach and some pictures from around town . They were sweet simple texts that showed me even though he was many states away , he was still thinking about me throughout his day . This seemed a bit of a stark contrast to the conversation we had just before he left . He told me he couldn 't be in a serious relationship right now . If that was the case , why was he reaching out to me even when I wasn 't around . I started to wonder if maybe he didn 't know what he wanted . As he was driving around , he called me to chat . It was a really sweet conversation . He was asking how I was doing and what I 'd been up to since everyone left town ahead of me . He was telling me all about where he grew up and his old high school . We talked about his mother a fair amount and her business . He sent me a picture of some of the things she worked on . I was getting access to mother information . You don 't share that with someone you don 't truly care about . I was getting more of him . It was exactly what I wanted . I wanted to know more about where he came from . I wanted him to open up . I wanted it all . As the rest of the family was arriving into town , Smiles started getting anxious . This is something he did regularly - Got worked - up over small things . He was texting me about solutions to the problem , such as drinking . I encouraged him to do whatever made him comfortable . There was no reason he couldn 't have a few cocktails to take off the edge if it would make him more relaxed . He was anxious about talking about his career . He was still working hard to get it off the ground , and I think he was ashamed about that . I told him he needed to be proud for being so brave for starting something from the ground floor . Not many people can do that . They just go work for someone who has already done all the heavy lifting . He has very low self - esteem when it comes to his job , and he has no reason to . No one finds overnight success , and I have strived to convey this to him constantly while being very supportive of all his ventures . The morning my sister and I were driving home to Pennsylvania , he texted just to see how my day was going . Again , I love these sweet gestures that show he 's thinking about me . I was much happier over the past few days than I was immediately following our conversation . When I got home , I had no cell phone service . It makes it a little more difficult to talk without a little more effort . I made sure he had my parents ' landline number , but I knew he wouldn 't call it . He probably didn 't want to have to talk to anyone if he called and they picked up . I had his number , but now I was settling in with the family . I wasn 't home for long , so I wanted to make sure the time I was there , I was present . I didn 't want to be running off constantly making phone calls . When I came back out of mass , I had a response . He told me he dodged the church bullet . I told him I wasn 't so lucky . My parents ' priest is one of the most boring people I have ever encountered . Going to church is penance in itself . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on January 27 , 2012 Waking up with the feeling of dread is never a good thing . Upon opening my eyes , I immediately knew something was wrong . It all came crashing back . I remember the conversation I had with Smiles the night before in my bed . It didn 't go as well as I would have liked it . I needed to reassess the situation and make a decision before proceeding . One thing was for sure ; I was going to proceed with caution . No longer was I going to invest so much of myself into a one - sided relationship . Smiles was still interested , and I had optimism the relationship could still progress towards something good . However , I could no longer devote so much of myself to someone who wasn 't doing the same for me . I had that day off , but I had to wake very early . I needed to get my friend 's car keys before he went to work so I could take Smiles to the airport . When I volunteered to take the day off from work , I thought it would be a perfect way to see him off . I wanted to be both helpful and selfish . I wasn 't going to get to see him for a week , let alone on Christmas . The next best thing I could get was sending him off at the airport . I climbed out of bed , put on clothes and rode my motorcycle over to my friend 's place . I swapped the bike for his car and drove back to my apartment . When I got back to my room , there were a few minutes left before Smiles was supposed to wake to get ready for his flight . I undressed and climbed back into bed . I drove him through the Holland Tunnel and stopped in front of his apartment . There were no legal spots available , so I had to sit in the car while he got ready . When he got out of the car , Smiles checked out another street and texted me from his apartment : " If you wait another five minutes , you can park on the other street at the meters . " It was nice of him to check that out so I wouldn 't have to sit in the car alone the whole time . My question from the night before was still in the back of my head . The car ride was rather quiet . It was as if we were both searching for something to talk about . I had yet another question burning a hole in the back of my mind . I had no New Year 's Eve plans , and all my friends did . I didn 't want to spend it alone , but Smiles hadn 't mentioned it to me . I had no idea what his plans were , but I wanted to spend it with him . The conversation from the night before didn 't change that . I was about to ask him if we could spend it together , but as we neared the airport , things got hectic because he wasn 't sure which terminal he was flying out of . That question would have to wait until later . Once we had that settled , I found a space at curbside and helped him unload . We exchanged a very quick hug and kiss as he set off for home for the holidays . It was very unceremonious . I don 't know if he was self - conscious because we were in public or if it was because he still felt awkward , but I was very disappointed . That was not the way I wanted to be kissed by the man I was dating but not seeing on Christmas . That was not a proper goodbye . Since I had my friend 's car and the rest of the day off , I decided to run an errand I 'd been neglecting . I took a route home that allowed me to stop by Michael 's to pick up a large panoramic photo I had framed . All that alone time is NOT good for me . It 's a sure to produce over - thinking and slight depression . I really didn 't know how to proceed . There was a fork in the road , and I wasn 't sure which road to take . I decided to make a stronger effort to engulf myself with my friends . I wasn 't going to give so much of myself to Smiles , and in turn , I would fill that void with friendship . After I ran my errand , I went home and watched TV on the couch . I needed to distract myself with some form of entertainment , but it wasn 't working . I was still thinking about what I was going to do . I hopped on Facebook while watching TV and got a message from N : " I miss you buddy . " I hadn 't hung out with him since we broke up with the exception of my holiday party . Maybe it was time to give friendship with him another chance . I hit him up to see what he was up to . He was going out that night and told me he would keep me in the loop regarding his plans so we could hang out . I know Smiles was settling in the with family , and I wouldn 't expect him to call . But , it would be nice if he called , even if just to let me know he landed safely . That night , I never heard from Smiles … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 10 , 2011 Since I 'm from Pennsylvania and Broadway 's from California , I went home for Christmas , and he stayed in the city . I was disappointed we weren 't spending Christmas together , but I wasn 't ready to bring him home and his work didn 't allow for time off . A few days before I went home , we spent a night in the city . We saw the decorated storefronts and the tree in Rockefeller Center , finally ending at the Plaza Hotel for a drink . This was the first time a man bought me a drink . I felt so special and so loved . For weeks , he bugged me about what I wanted for Christmas , but I refused to tell him . I knew , without asking , the perfect gift for him , and I wasn 't going to give him an easy out . I really had no idea what he was going to bring to the table . We celebrated Christmas at my apt the night before heading home . I handed him a rather sizable box . He handed me an envelope . He opened his first . The Sex in the City complete dvd collection ( deluxe edition ) . He was ecstatic . He mentioned months ago how much he wanted it . He threw his arms around me and gave me a big kiss . Inside my envelope was a card and 2 tickets . Weeks earlier , we discussed going to see Driving Miss Daisy on Broadway ( with Vanessa Redgrave and James Earl Jones ) , but tickets were more expensive than I was willing to spend . I was so touched he remembered I wanted to see it and got us tickets . Inside the card , he wrote about how much he enjoyed spending time with and getting to know me over the past few months . Also , we would have a night on the town with dinner , a show and topped off with sex . I couldn 't help myself . I started to cry . He was concerned , but I calmed his questioning look when I planted a big ol ' wet kiss on him . We spoke on the phone Christmas Day even thought we couldn 't be together . Coming home from Christmas at my grandfather 's , my mother and I finally started talking about my homosexuality . We were talking about my sister 's relationship , when my mom finally said , " And are you still dating the same guy ? " I told her how happy I was . Then we began talking about coming out to my extended family . She asked if , how and when I planned to tell them . I told her it was irrelevant for the time being until I felt the need to bring someone home to meet them . At that point , I would probably send them an email . She asked if and how I would tell my grandfather . I explained how uncomfortable it may make him and how it could unnecessarily alter my relationship with him . I think my fear was also her fear . He 's from a different generation , and he may not understand . I could see she was relieved I wasn 't planning on breaking the news to him because she was worried about dealing with the fallout . That year , I also spent New Year 's Eve with Broadway . I 've had one good New Year 's to date , and I can 't even remember it because I was too drunk . It 's never been an exciting event for me . It 's a burden to plan for and a holiday I could do without , much like Valentine 's Day . We planned a very nice night . We started at my friend 's apt in Hoboken . Following , we planned to go into the city to watch the ball drop at his cast mate 's apt . After that , we would meet up with his roommates and friends to close out the night at a bar near his place . Plans changed , however , when we were unable to catch a bus after 45 minutes . The fear of passing midnight in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel became very real . So we decided to head back to the party in Hoboken for a bit . When we got back , my good friend came up to me and said , " I 'm so happy you came back . After you left , I was saying how I was disappointed I wasn 't spending New Years with you . " That was one of the sweetest things anyone 's ever said to me . I realized he truly was a good friend . Everyone decided to go to the rooftop to watch the fireworks in the city and count down as the ball dropped . Broadway previously watched the ball drop every year , so he asked if we could stay in view of the TV . I didn 't care where we were , I was just happy to finally have someone to share New Year 's Eve with . After the ball dropped , we had our midnight kiss . I really felt at ease with him . I was thrilled with out relationship and never felt closer to anyone in my life . It was a New Years to remember . After everyone came down from the roof ( which apparently didn 't allow for any fireworks viewing ) we decided to try our luck getting into the city . This time the bus came without much delay . At this point , we skipped the cast mate 's party and went straight to the bar to meet up with his close friends . We ended up at 9th Avenue Saloon and threw back a few more drinks before hopping in the photo booth for a photo shoot together . |
The Murders in the Reed Moore Library Dupin expects simple things out of his day . A sunny spot beside the fountain to nap . His tuna delivered at precisely the right time by librarian Penny Copper . He didn 't expect someone to stuff bodies in the book returns and disrupt his entire day ! On top of the hill , right above the green swath of lawn where C . Dupin liked to nap in the sun and watch the humans walk past , sprawled the Reed Moore library . Named , of course , after Reed Moore , the founder of the logging company Moore Wood , who built the long - house library for the town . The library sported massive logs that gleamed golden in the sunshine and a green metal roof . Soaking in the sunshine , the library looked like it enjoyed the warmth as much as a cat . Dupin stretched out a leg and took a long lazy lick off the long white fur on the back of his leg . He rubbed his leg across his face , then repeated the process on the other side . Dupin sat down . It wasn 't as if he hurried . She walked towards him up the concrete sidewalk , a typical enough human although more slender than most , with short blond fur on her head . The rest of her was so bare that , like many humans , she wore clothing . In this case a dark blue skirt , white shirt and a blazer that matched the skirt . As humans went she looked as neat as a cat , which was saying a great deal . Dupin closed his eyes . He stayed that way until his whiskers picked up the breeze of her passing and the faint scent of apple tickled his nose . Then he opened his eyes and followed along behind . Dupin curled around her legs and leaned against the back of her calves . It was time to get inside where she kept a can of tuna . Anything else could wait . Except when he closed his eyes Dupin smelled something almost as interesting as tuna . He opened his mouth slightly and breathed in . Yes , nearby . It smelled almost like a freshly killed field mouse but stronger and greasier . Dupin stood up and followed the scent . It was coming from the book drop where Penny was still pulling out books . Dupin crouched right beside the metal door in the side . Yes , indeed . Right there , just a small pool of blood had oozed out from inside the drop . Dupin opened his mouth wider and breathed in deep . It made his fur stand on end . This wasn 't a field mouse , gopher or bird . It smelled like a person . All sweat and chemicals with an under - scent of fire and smoke . Penny bent down to stroke him , tucking the books she had gathered into one arm , but Dupin flattened his ears and didn 't look away from the blood . Finally she looked at the metal door and saw the blood herself . Her hand went to her mouth . Penny unlocked the door and , as soon as it opened a few inches , Dupin darted inside . He immediately felt safer surrounded by the rich smell of the library . He padded quickly across the lobby to the polished cedar service desk , crouched , and sprang right up on top . He turned in a circle surveying the library as Penny followed him inside . With the hanging lights out shadows draped the library . To Dupin 's left was the children 's end of the library with the short shelves and a large open area at the center where Penny told stories . On his right the taller adult shelving , comfortable chairs and , under the wing , the computer lab . At a cursory glance all looked as it should but Dupin still had the scent of the blood in his nose and it kept his fur up . He needed his tuna , and some water , and a good cleaning before he would feel completely calm . That wasn 't right . It was too late to do anything about the man - from the smell it had to be a man - in the book drop . But she could still get Dupin his tuna ! " Police ? " Penny pressed a hand to her chest . " This is Ms . Copper , at the library ? There 's blood in my book drop . " " Right . Blood , on the ground from inside . Like something was bleeding . " Penny shook her head . " No , I haven 't opened it . I was taking out books that were stuck in the slot and Dupin noticed the blood . Yes , my cat . I came inside and called you . " " Yes , thank you . I won 't touch it . " Penny put down the phone and looked at Dupin . " What could it be ? Do you think someone poured blood into the drop ? Why would they do that ? " Dupin meowed and stood up . Time to worry about the tuna , and no , the blood hadn 't been poured into the drop . Beneath the blood he had smelled the salty , sour smell of a man and a whiff of decay . Someone put a dead man in the book drop as if he was an overdue book . It was too late to do anything about him . The police could handle getting him out . Dupin turned in a circle and looked back at Penny . Tuna ! No , not a good idea . Penny walked away from the counter into the back work area , which took her closer to the tuna . Okay , maybe a good idea . Dupin jumped down to the floor and walked quickly after her . He caught up , walked through her legs and headed towards the door to the staff room . Dupin walked around the workstations at the center of the work area , past the rows of Coroplast boxes full of books along the back wall , into the staff room . Home away from home . Not much of a room with an old green couch marked with his claws , and a wobbly table and two scratched dark wood chairs . Dupin went to the cupboard where Penny kept the tuna and rubbed against the door . He arched his back and looked back at her . He couldn 't believe it . She left . Without getting the tuna . Dupin stood still in shock . She actually walked away without getting his tuna out . Looking around the library could wait , he couldn 't ! He caught up when she flicked on the light in her office . He rubbed against her legs and twitched his tail to catch her attention . Instead she ignored him , looking around the office as if the glass - topped computer desk , or the pictures of Mt . Rainier from her climbs , held some secret . Everything looked as neat as ever , but more importantly , it smelled fine . Dupin circled her legs again . She sighed and walked away from the office , out of the work area altogether . Dupin was trying to decide what to do about it when Penny screamed ! He crouched down and flattened his ears . Why had she screamed ? She was standing just out of the work area , behind the circulation desk . She had her hands pressed to her face now . Dupin rose slightly and opened his mouth . He breathed deep and picked up a faint sticky scent of decay , but mingled with it a floral smell . That wasn 't the smell of the man in the book drop . Dupin padded up beside Penny . There , in the wood book drop beneath the counter he saw dark red curls , the top of some woman 's head . Another dead person in a book drop ? What was going on ? He smelled salt and looked up to see tears falling from Penny 's eyes . She sniffed and wiped her hand against her eyes . She took a deep breath and turned and headed back towards her office , nearly stepping on Dupin . Not that he 'd be so slow as to let that happen . He heard Penny in her office picking up the phone again . More calls to the police . Dupin walked closer to the drop and breathed deep . He didn 't smell any blood . The woman didn 't die the same way as the man in the outside book drop . Dead people in book drops , that wasn 't right . His fur rose up and he growled deep in his throat . Not right at all . Who hid their kills in a book drop ? There had to be better places . Whoever did this put the bodies there for a reason . They wanted the bodies found . Why ? Penny sounded upset , almost yelling into the phone . Dupin walked closer to the drop but he couldn 't see inside . Just the dark red curls sticking up out of the drop . In the office he heard Penny put down the phone . He went over to the drop and rose up , putting his front paws against the wood . He opened his mouth and breathed in deep . He tried to turn but he had been so focused that Penny was right behind him . She grabbed him before he could twist away and lifted him up into the air . Human thumbs ! He didn 't fight . He just went limp . She marched across the work area , turned right and then held him just with one hand . She opened the metal door in the back corner and set him outside on the concrete ramp ! Dupin reached out one paw and drew his claws along the metal . He waited a second , then did it again . Nothing . Twice more and no response . Annoyed Dupin sat down in front of the door and used both paws , alternating . Scratch , scratch , scratch , scratch ! Dupin gave out a frustrated yowl and swiped at the door again . She actually put him out without his tuna because of dead bodies ? Clearly she didn 't have her priorities in order . Which meant she was going to need his help to put things right . Dupin gave the door a final swipe . Sirens screeched through the morning air . Dupin flattened his ears and looked towards the road . Police . He bounded off the concrete path into the dark space beneath the rhododendron bushes . Dried leaves crunched beneath his feet . He padded quickly away from the back door , slipping from one bush to the next . He caught a whiff of squirrel but didn 't stop . Out on the street the police sirens rang out again and again . Dupin reached the corner of the building and broke into a trot as the police cars pulled into the parking lot . Uniformed bodies poured out of the cars . Vans pulled behind the cars and more people got out . So many people ! He picked up the pace and made it to the front doors before any of the police or other humans even got close to the building . Dupin crouched beneath the bench along the left side of the walkway , near the black metal bike racks . It smelled of burnt tobacco beneath the bench and one stale bag of chips . The library 's front door swung open . Penny 's shoes shuffled on the concrete as she edged away from the book drop . Dupin darted out from his place of concealment , like the shadow of a bird he flew across the concrete for the narrow open gap . He sensed rather than saw her reach for him but she was far too slow . By then he 'd already entered the library . He headed at first towards the counter area but that 's where the other body was in the other book drop . He swerved and headed instead towards the heavy padded chairs and one of his favorite spots beneath . Enclosed on three sides , but with an opening beneath the back , he liked watching people come and go in the library . Safe in the shadows beneath the chair Dupin , surrounded by his own scent markings , settled down and watched Penny at the door with the police . Another scent distracted him . Dupin sniffed around and found an envelope beneath the chair that smelled of mint . He rubbed his face against it , one side , then the other . Out by the lobby the police crowded around Penny but she didn 't cringe or back away from them . She stood right up to the man who was in charge . That man wore a long black coat that reminded Dupin of ravens . He tried to get some raven chicks once . Actually went so far as to climb the tree after the nest but the parents saw him and chased him away . Even after he was on the ground they kept coming after him with their harsh cries and nasty beaks . Dupin narrowed his eyes , wondering if that man was like the ravens . Penny led the police into the library right towards Dupin 's hiding place . He shrank back a bit further into the shadows . Penny 's hand waved at the counter . The man in the black coat stood close to Penny . Dupin could smell a fishy sort of smell about the man from where he was hiding . It made him feel a little better about the man , but reminded him that he still hadn 't got his tuna . Even so he stayed concealed . " I thought so . I didn 't check before I put the key in and turned it to open the door . I always do it that way , the door stays locked until you flip the little switch on the door . " " No . Henry was with me . And Dupin , of course . We don 't like to have people leave alone , even if it isn 't dark . Just to be safe . We walked out together . I pulled on the doors to make sure that they were locked . I know I did . " " It 's a city - owned building , it was donated when the library was built . You 'd know better than me who has access over there . All of my staff have keys . The city hires cleaning staff , so they must have keys too because they get in and clean the library after hours . " Dupin eased out of the space beneath the chair . He walked over to Penny and rubbed against her legs . He let a low purr rumble through his chest . Penny ? Hardly . Dupin observed lots of humans and he knew better than most that everyone loved Penny . He 'd even go so far as forgiving her for forgetting his tuna . Eventually . Bored , Dupin wandered away from Penny towards the circulation desk . Teams of people had gathered around the desk while the detective talked to Penny . They had pulled the book return bin out from the desk . Dupin padded closer , edging around the end of the desk . He sat down beside one of the tall pillars where he could watch and still keep an eye on Penny . Just in case she decided to get his tuna . They were all so busy about the dead people , it was like someone had stirred up a nest of yellow jackets . Another cluster of people buzzed around the book drop outside . They had that one open too and had pulled the bin partway out before it got stuck on books that had piled on top of the body . The detective shook his head . " Please stay here , until my people have a chance to look everything over . " Blue eyes found Dupin sitting beside the pillar . " If you could keep the cat out of our way , that 'd be good too . " He heard Penny 's footsteps approaching and looked up . Penny got close and Dupin let out a small meow . He arched his back , expecting a scratch but instead she scooped him up . She brought him close to her chest and wrapped her arms around him . For a second Dupin tensed , then he relaxed and breathed in her apple scent . No tuna . Yet . Penny carried him away before he could see anything interesting , including the dead body . She took him back to the stuffed chairs and sat in the one he had hid beneath . She absently stroked his back . Dupin flexed his claws and stretched out first his left leg , then his right . He put his head down and closed his eyes . If he couldn 't eat , he might as well sleep . David reached out and put a hand on Penny 's arm . " I thought you might be able to help us with that . You get a lot of people in here , do you feel up to taking a look ? See if you recognize them ? They don 't have any identification on them . " Dupin paused in his cleaning and looked at Penny . If she could lay her ears back or have her fur stand up , he thought she would do so . She took a deep breath and nodded . Penny shivered . " Yes , but I 'd need a subpoena to release those records . They 're confidential under state law . Why do you want to know who checked out the books ? " " A lot of the books we removed had fallen on the body . Others were beneath the body . Anyone returning books might have seen something suspicious or someone hanging around . " Penny crossed her arms but nodded . Figuring the most likely possibility of tuna lay in sticking close to Penny , Dupin followed along after Penny and David into the lobby . There lay the dead man and woman in black body bags upon the gurney , with all of the assorted smells of death . Dupin looked over at Penny . She nodded . " That 's Bill Wilson . He teaches over at the high school . Who would want to kill him ? " " That 's what we need to find out . " David zipped up the dead man 's bag and then moved around to the other one . He unzipped it . " Her ? " Penny didn 't move from the spot where she stood . She stared for several seconds then took a deep shuddering breath . " Camille . Camille L ' Espanye . She works here at the library . " Penny brought her hand to her mouth and sniffed . " Camille ? Why ? " Dupin stood up and looked at the body bag with more interest . He breathed deep and , yes , Penny was correct . The woman was Camille . She gave him extra cat treats when Penny wasn 't looking . And now she was dead too ? His fur stood up . " She had keys to the building . " David said . " Maybe she came back for something and interrupted whatever was happening with Mr . Wilson . Or maybe they were together ? Do you know if they were dating ? " Penny shook her head . " Camille 's ten years younger than him . She 's just out of college . I don 't think she was seeing anyone seriously . " David made notes in his book . " We 'll check on it anyway . Thank you Ms . Copper . If I have more questions I 'll let you know . " Camille dead . That disturbed him . Bad enough he hadn 't gotten his tuna and Penny was upset , but killing Camilla ? Dupin 's eyes narrowed . He wasn 't going to wait around for David to try and figure it out . The man seemed well - meaning enough , but he was hampered by being human . His only advantage was the fact of his thumbs but that didn 't matter . Dupin looked up at Penny quietly crying . He had his own human , with her own set of thumbs . She wasn 't a cat , but for a human she seemed quiet bright . Between the two of them he felt confident in their ability to find the responsible party . No tuna . Penny upset . Camille and that teacher , Bill Wilson , dead . Someone had to pay for their crimes and Dupin didn 't trust David to figure out what happened . No , it 'd be better for all concerned if Dupin and Penny identified the criminal . He knew his human . She loved finding answers . He watched her each day in the library answering questions for the people that came in and out . While her intellect might not match his own - that would no doubt be impossible for a human - she still showed almost cat - like insight . And she had thumbs , the one human attribute that saved the entire species . " Yes . We 're done . I 'm releasing the scene . I can send in a couple officers to help clean up , if you like ? " Penny shook her head . " We 'll be okay . I 'll take care of it . I 've got to clean things up . We won 't be opening today . " Dupin ran between Penny 's legs into the library . The library smelled of latex gloves and fingerprint powders . He sneezed and stalked closer to the circulation counter . When he got there he padded across the top towards an area covered in fingerprint dust . " Dupin ! " Penny rushed up to the counter and put a hand out in his path . " Don 't walk in that ! That 's all we need , are cat prints tracked all over . " As if he wanted to track that stuff all over and get it in his fur ? Dupin sat down and licked one paw to prove his point . Penny put her hands on her hips and sniffled . " It 's just so - " He ignored her and tried to get his claws into whatever it was beneath the keyboard . Not for the first time he considered the intangible mystery of why cats didn 't have thumbs . His claw hooked onto a metal ring and he dragged out a small brass key hooked to a red plastic tab by the ring on his claw . He shook his paw and the key clattered in the fingerprint dust . Dupin slammed a paw down on the rattling key . Confident in her ability to answer that for herself , Dupin jumped down from the counter and sniffed around the book bin that had held Camille . The police had gone over the wood bin but they didn 't have the benefit of a cat 's nose . The bin still smelled of death . It needed cleaning . Penny lifted the key up in front of her face . " It looks like a fingerprint , in the dust on the plastic tab . " She lowered it to the counter and set it down . " We 'll have to show that to David when he comes back . " Maybe so , but it didn 't answer any questions right now . Dupin left the bin and sat down to clean the fingerprint powder off his paws . It tasted like ashes and made him sneeze . Dupin didn 't bother stopping . Penny left the counter area and headed back into the staff room . Dupin realized that this put Penny near the tuna and took off running after her . Unfortunately he realized too late and she surprised him in the doorway holding wet paper towels . Dupin tried slipping around her but Penny caught him . She grabbed his feet and rubbed them with the wet towels . It was almost as bad as being licked by a dog ! She finally released him and he headed under the nearby desk where he sat cleaning his drenched paws . While he cleaned himself Penny busied herself cleaning the counter area , except for the spot where she left the key . She used a spray on the book drop , the sort that made his eyes water , so he stayed back beneath the desk and just watched . Penny noticed the scratch along the side of the bin . Penny smiled . " Okay . You 're right . I should be trying to find out something to help David with his case . Like why Camille might have been here . Or why anyone would kill Bill Wilson . I always thought he seemed nice enough . He thought he was more charming than he was , but a lot of men are like that . " Dupin jumped up on the desk and sniffed at the papers there . A red file folder sitting on the desk smelled like Camille . He pushed it with his paw towards the edge of the desk . Didn 't they smell like Camille ? It should be obvious , but Penny suffered from the same poor sense of smell as most humans . Dupin arched his back for a scratch but Penny didn 't notice . " The deadline for these financial aid forms is today . " Penny looked at Dupin . " This could be very helpful . If she left these forms here , it could explain why she came back to the library last night . " Penny carried folder towards the front desk . Dupin jumped off the desk and followed her to the counter . She put the folder down next to the key . Dupin jumped up on the counter . From the counter it was much easier to look at Penny 's face . Dupin purred happily against her hand . He still wanted his tuna , but scratches were progress . Except then Penny stopped . She tapped her fingers on the counter . " So Camille comes back to the library to get the folder she forgot . I still don 't see how that ties in with Bill Wilson . I can 't imagine they were involved . " " I should check the outside drop , make sure it 's been cleaned up before anyone puts more books in it . " Penny pulled open a drawer on the back of the counter and rummaged in a plastic basket with a good dozen keys , each attached to a bright plastic tag . Dupin yawned . Penny took out another key , a duplicate of the one sitting in that small patch of fingerprint dust . She tucked the spray bottle and a roll of paper towels beneath her arm before heading towards the outside doors . Dupin followed . Before they got to the lobby Penny stopped . Dupin came up from behind and rubbed against her leg and then stopped too . Several people were standing outside the main doors . Penny took a breath and then started walking again . Dupin trotted along after . Penny went out to the main doors and pushed them open a crack . There were four humans standing outside . A man smelling of sawdust with red cheeks and dark hair stepped forward . The other humans , a red - haired woman , and an older couple came closer . Dupin sat down just behind Penny where he could see everyone . He breathed in deeply . The woman smelled of fire and smoke . It reminded him of the body that had been in the bin , but much stronger . The older couple had smelled almost the same as each other , a dry , powdery , minty sort of old smell like dried leaves . The woman moved her hand in a circle as she said , " Look , this is terrible , really . But you know life does go on . Everyone else still has places to go , things to do , and I don 't mean to be a bitch but Camille said my book was supposed to be in last week and it didn 't come in which meant I lost the whole weekend . Then I get this email saying it 's there and I just need to pick it up . You don 't even have to do anything , I 'll grab it and check it out . " The red - haired woman stared at Penny for a second then shook her head . " Look , just forget it . I don 't have time for this . " Then the man standing beside Penny shook his head . " Guess she didn 't need it that much after all . " He held out his hand . " Rod Allan . " " I guess not . " Penny shook his hand and let go quickly . " Folks , I 'm sorry , but we won 't be open today . If you 'll excuse me , I need to clean the drop . " The old couple started to move away but the old man pulled free from his wife 's arm . Both Penny and the man looked up as the older man approached . He had pale blue eyes and very pale saggy skin . His wife tugged on his arm . " Come on Sullivan . " She looked at Penny . " He likes quoting . That 's about all he can remember these days , are poems and lines from plays . " Dupin watched the old couple move off , the woman tugging on the man 's arm . Rod moved away a couple steps and rubbed his rough jaw . Dupin waited to see what he intended to say when a police car rolled up in front of the library . Rod ducked his head , stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked away down the sidewalk . David got out of the police car . He walked past Rod and headed straight towards Penny . Dupin got up and strolled over to Penny . He rubbed against her legs . " Hello again , yourself . " He reached into his jacket and pulled out a few sheets of paper . " I 've got the subpoena and the barcode list . Are you ready to help me out now ? " Penny held up a finger . " It 'll only take a minute and I 'll feel better . Then I 've got something to show you inside . " Penny unlocked the book drop , twisted the handle and pulled open the metal door . Dupin peered around into the drop . It still smelled of the dead man , Bill Wilson . Penny reached inside and pulled the bin out . Dupin moved aside , and once the drop was out of the way he went to the opening and looked into the drop . A dark flat shape lay against the side of the drop . Dupin strolled inside . He went to the thing he had seen and sniffed . It turned out to be a leather wallet that smelled like the dead man . From outside he caught a whiff of the cleansers Penny sprayed on the drop . He pawed at the wallet . It fell open . There were pictures inside . Dupin took a long look . Penny needed to see this . He meowed and crouched as the drop magnified and echoed the sound . Dupin turned his head smoothly and looked at the bright opening of the book drop . Two human faces looked in at him . Penny on the right , smiling and on the left the blue - eyed gaze of David . Dupin crouched down and kept his paw on the wallet . " It looks like a wallet . Just a sec . " Penny crouched and walked into the drop bent over . Dupin backed off the wallet when she reached for it . " Good kitty . " Penny picked up the wallet and waddled back out . For once she lacked her usual cat - like grace . Dupin wouldn 't hold it against her . He followed her out of the drop . Penny straightened and flipped the wallet open . Dupin couldn 't see anything . Very frustrating . He looked around and then jumped up on top of the book drop . He walked to the edge and could finally see what Penny was looking at . Pictures , in the wallet , of the dead man and a young woman with long blond hair . Lots of it , like a Persian cat he 'd known once . Penny flipped to the next picture and it was a picture of the red - haired woman smelling of fire and smoke that had been here just a few minutes ago . Penny held the wallet out to David " Not her . We haven 't been able to get a hold of her . " David flipped back to the first photo . " But that girl isn 't their daughter . They don 't have a daughter . We already checked with the school . " Penny shook her head . She reached out and scratched under Dupin 's chin . He closed his eyes with pleasure . " It was Dupin that found the wallet . " First Penny wanted to clean out the book drop bin before she put it back inside . Dupin stretched out on the warm metal drop and snoozed while she worked . When she finished he jumped down and inside first , as soon as she opened the door . Dupin stopped and looked back but the humans were moving so slowly . Penny laughed at something David had said . Dupin recognized the signs of human courtship . Penny had , on occasion , dated various men . None of whom were good enough for her , a fact that she had quickly realized when Dupin had made his displeasure known . Penny walked quickly across the library . So quickly that Dupin barely avoided being trod upon , escaping at the last moment by springing up onto the circulation counter once more . David followed at a more leisurely pace . Penny turned around , facing him with her hands resting on the counter behind her . " Maybe we do ? " Penny turned and gestured at the key sitting in its island of fingerprint dust and Camille 's binder . " I thought you might want to look at these . Dupin found key beneath one of the keyboards . It 's to the book drop outside . " " We also found Camille 's folder with her financial aid forms that needed to be filed today . I think she came back to get the forms . While she was here she decided to empty the book drop and got in the middle of Mrs . Wilson killing Mr . Wilson ! Mrs . Wilson came back today because she realized that she had left this key and was afraid it would lead back to her . " Penny frowned . " I don 't know . Maybe she didn 't think it through . Maybe she assumed that Camille was also sleeping with her husband . " Dupin rubbed against Penny 's arm . It was a good idea , but David had a point . Thumbs and the ability to speak , that 'd make all of this much easier . So would tuna . He walked to the edge of the counter and meowed . David shook his head . " No , thanks . It may not pan out , but I do need to talk to Mrs . Wilson before she finds out about her husband from someone else . Just email me the list , my card is there . " " I 'll take the key and have it tested . And the folder . " David pulled a couple more bags from his pockets . He bagged the key in a small baggy and then the folders in a larger one . " If you find anything else just leave it where you find it and give the department a call . Believe it or not , we 'll figure this out . " As David left , Dupin got up and rubbed Penny 's arm again . She turned around and scratched his neck , then ran her hand down his back through his long fur . Almost as good as tuna , but he couldn 't quite forget the empty knot in his belly . Penny went into her office . Dupin followed and crawled into his bed beneath her desk . While she typed on the computer he busied himself cleaning his fur again . It took longer than Dupin thought was possible . Twice he woke from short naps when the drone of the keyboard keys ceased , but each time Penny started typing again . On the third time she pushed her chair back from the desk . Dupin lifted his head and yawned . " David identified the books that were underneath Mr . Wilson , and those on top of him . They kept track of the layers of books so we have an idea of when books were put in , in what order . There 's not a lot of names on the list . " " That guy from earlier ? Rod Allan ? He turned in books that were beneath Bill Wilson . There was also a book checked out to Mr . Wilson . And that older couple , they came by yesterday too . I recognized the names when I saw it . Sullivan and Madeline Winters , they returned books that were right on top of the body . " Dupin walked out from under the desk . Interesting . And all of them showed up the next morning ? Maybe because one of them wanted to return for their kill ? Did humans eat things they killed ? They must , because they had things like tuna . Dupin 's stomach rumbled . He really needed to eat something . " I 'm going to call David , tell him I 've emailed the list . He needs to know who came by today . " Penny picked up her cell phone and dialed quickly . She leaned back in the chair . " Really ? Well , that 's interesting . We just found out that the picture in Wilson 's wallet , of him and the girl ? That 's Lenore Allan . She 's a student in Wilson 's class . " Penny ran a hand along Dupin 's back . " So he might have gone after Mr . Wilson because of his daughter . That sounds like a motive to me . " Dupin felt water drip on his ear . He flicked it and looked up at Penny . Water flowed from her eyes . As much as he didn 't care for the water , he knew her well enough to know what she was thinking . It was Camille . If this man killed Bill Wilson , then he must have killed Camille just because she saw something . If she hadn 't gone back for her folder she would have been fine . " Alright , bye . " Penny hung up the cell phone and put it down on the arm of the couch . Dupin batted at it . Penny snatched it away and stuffed it in her pocket . " Stop that , you 're always redialing people . " Penny stroked Dupin 's back . " Looks like we 've solved the crime . Thanks to you . You found the folder , and the wallet . Plus that key ! And all without your tuna . " Dupin jumped down to the floor and turned in a circle . He meowed . Penny laughed and stood up . " Okay , okay ! I 'm sorry . It hasn 't been a typical day . " " Reed Moore Library , Penny . How may I help you ? " Dupin noticed the change in her expression and paused in his cleaning . He couldn 't quite make out the voice on the other end . Dupin heard David 's voice . " - pretty upset about it , but his alibi checked out . He was giving a business presentation at the time the murders happened . You don 't have any way to determine when he dropped the books in the drop , do you ? " " She checked out too . Fell apart when we told her , was also shocked about the photo . She 's been taking evening classes and we 've confirmed she was in class that night . " David was quiet for a minute . " At this point we don 't have much . We got a fingerprint off the key you found but I 'm waiting for search results . Forensics are starting to come in but it 's starting to look like there might have been more than one assailant . Sorry I don 't have more . " " That 's okay . Thanks for letting me know . " Penny hung up the phone . She stroked Dupin . " I guess we didn 't solve it after all . " Penny picked Dupin up in her arms and stood . She kept stroking his back so he didn 't mind . " He said there might have been two people . That makes sense . Camille and Mr . Wilson died differently . The key might turn up a match , but what if it didn 't ? " He 'd already gotten his tuna . As far as he was concerned David was welcome to figure out what really happened . He lay slack in Penny 's arms as she walked out of the staff room . She carried him back to the counter and put him down on top . She pressed her hands together . " Okay , Dupin , let 's work through this . Camille comes back to the library to pick up her folder . She decides - because she was like that - to go ahead and empty the book drop while she was here . She goes out to empty the drop and Bill Wilson is still out there . One person stabs him while the other goes after Camille . She tries to get away or call for help by coming in the library . The killer outside shoves the dying Mr . Wilson into the book bin and then pushes it into the book drop , closes and locks the drop . Their partner strangles poor Camille inside and lets the other in , who tosses the key on the counter where it slides beneath the keyboard . They put Camille in the drop in here and then leave . " It made sense but Dupin 's eye noticed something beneath one of the padded chairs . He jumped down from the counter and walked over to the chair . He crouched down and inhaled . The minty - smelling letter still lay where he left it . Dupin reached in and scratched at it . He managed to pull the envelope partway out . Penny stooped down and picked it up . Dupin rubbed against her legs . Penny 's breath caught . She stood very still for several seconds then looked down at Dupin . " Do you know what this is ? " " I recognized the Winters , they come in all the time . " Penny blew out her breath . " And she 's always checking out those serial killer books , from the 364s . This letter is addressed to them . They must have dropped it ! What if they 're serial killers , working together ? They could have dropped the letter when they - " Dupin didn 't move . Somehow the idea of talking to a pair of potential killers didn 't have much appeal . Plus he 'd just eaten all of that tuna and it sat like a lump in his belly . A nap was the order of the moment . A long nap to allow the tuna time to digest . " Dupin ? " Penny stopped in the doorway . " Here , kitty . Come on . There 's nothing to worry about . We 'll just be helping David out , see what they say when I ask if they saw anything . Maybe they 'll let something slip . " Penny marched towards him . He thought of dashing away , but he hated running on a full stomach . Penny scooped him up and held him close . She pressed her face to his back and he smelled the apples in her hair . David was on the phone . " Wait for me . My people can look at the letter . We found hair on the inside drop and I have people checking the fingerprints on the books against the book drop key . We 'll get them . " Penny didn 't answer as she turned the steering wheel and slowed . Dupin rolled over and stood up . " I 'm on the street now . I need to know why they did it . " The house sat back from the road with fir trees and bird feeders along the fence line . Penny stopped the car . Small brown birds flitted around the tree branches . Dupin perked up his ears . The house itself looked like a lot of human dwellings , yellow and white , mostly uninteresting . The old couple was out front in the yard , the woman pruning rose bushes with a pair of snips and her husband digging in another flower bed with a trowel , when Penny lifted Dupin out of the front seat and carried him up the cracked concrete walk . The old man looked back and squinted so much that only one pale blue eye stayed open . Against his side Dupin felt Penny 's heart thumping away like a mouse caught beneath his paws . She was scared but she marched straight up the drive towards them . She stopped across the chain - link fence from the woman . " Call me Maddy , dear . Don 't mind my Sully , he 's grumpy as usual . " The old woman looked at Dupin and smiled broadly . " You 'd better keep a good grip on that cat . Wouldn 't want him to go after a bird or something and get squashed by a car ! " Penny 's arms tightened . " No . I 'm helping the police with the murders at the library , and I thought maybe you could tell me something ? " " Murders . " Maddy pressed her hands together and her smile widened to show bright teeth . Dupin didn 't like the way she looked at him . " Why would you think we know anything about those poor people ? " " Books you returned were on the body . " Dupin felt Penny take a deep breath . " The police took a fingerprint from the books and matched it to the one on the book drop key . They 've also found your hair in the inside book drop where you stuffed Camille . " Dupin blinked . That wasn 't exactly what David had said . He tensed . If the old woman tried anything she 'd find out how sharp his claws were . At the other flower bed Sully rose and came towards them with his dirt - covered trowel . Maddy snipped her pruning snips closed . " Opportunity . We walked to the library to return books and there was that man talking to that young girl . No one was around . " She opened the snips and snapped them shut again . " As far as motive , well dear , it was our anniversary and we always try to do something special . " Sully had nearly reached the gate . Penny backed away towards the car . Dupin 's fur stood up and he growled deep in his throat . Maddy laughed . " Run , if you like , but if you 're here the police haven 't linked any of that evidence to us . Not yet , at least . We 'll disappear and find you another time , dear . " Penny shoved the letter back in her pocket and pulled out the cell phone . Dupin heard the sirens coming towards them . Penny said , " Detective ? Did you hear all that ? " " Yes , Ms . Copper . " Dupin heard David 's voice coming from two directions and turned to see the detective step around the trees along the front into the driveway . He had a gun in his hand . " Mr . and Mrs . Winters , put the tools down and come out here with your hands up . " " Huh , his timing couldn 't be better if he did it on purpose . " David held out his hand . " And I 'll need that letter as well as a statement on finding it . " Officers came up and took the couple into custody . Dupin purred against Penny 's chest . Of course he figured it out first , and why would David think he hadn 't made the call on purpose ? Nevermore would this couple kill . This story is the 15th weekly short story release and the first break from the Planetary Bodies series of science fiction stories . I wanted to post something different this week and decided to go with the first mystery featuring my feline detective , C . Dupin ( based , of course , or Edgar Allan Poe 's famous detective ) . I wrote the story while managing a library and we were doing a community ' big read ' of Poe 's works . Later on I published it under my " Ryan M . Welch " pen name . A novel followed , The Task of Auntie Dido , that will get reissued as well one day . I 'm releasing each of these stories , one per week , here on my website . Eventually I 'll do standard e - book releases when I am satisfied that I can create the cover art that I want for the books . In the meantime I 'm enjoying these weekly releases . Stories will remain until I get up the e - book versions and at that point I 'll take the story down . If you 're interested in longer works , feel free to check out my novels through the links at the top of the page or on the Books page . Check back next week for another story . Next up is a romance story , Boldy , Sort Of . Writer and artist , Ryan M . Williams , author of more than twenty novels , writes across a range of genres including fantasy , science fiction , romance , paranormal , and mystery . He holds a Master of Arts from Seton Hill University in writing popular fiction . His short fiction has appeared in anthologies from Pocket Books , WMG Publishing , and in On Spec Magazine . He currently attends San Jose State University , pursuing a Master of Information and Library Science degree . View all posts by Ryan M . Williams Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on June 1 , 2015Categories Short StoryTags 2010Stories , C . Dupin , Cat , Librarian , Library , Mystery , Penny Copper Post navigation |
I 'm sarcastic , brutally honest , but generally one of the most down to earth caring people you will meet . That doesn 't make me a saint by any means and personally , I think saints are a bit on the boring side . I 'm a mom , wife and volunteer - none of those things define who I am . I wish I knew what was bothering this kid . He 's alternating between fussing / crying and then laughing more than we 've ever been able to get him to , as he stares at something I can 't see . I 'm thinking ' Dude , seriously , you 're freaking me out . ' And I 'd like the ghost to keep him happy , stop slacking off . At first I thought maybe he had an earache but now I 'm thinking he 's teething . . . at two months old . Is that how this is going to go kid ? Do everything months in advance ? At this rate , he 'll be crawling in a few days and walking in weeks . I look forward to when he can hold his head up and sit up on his own , past that . . . I can wait . Once they start moving around , they start making messes . No thank you . Earlier in the evening , I had gotten myself a cherry dr . pepper . ( best pop EVER by the way ) I almost always drink my pop out of a straw when possible . ( I 'm trying to put off having my teeth bleached for as long as possible . . . dark pop stains teeth , the straw bypasses the teeth ) I have been running low on straws as I keep forgetting to grab more at the store . I finally found one in a drawer , at the back . I took my pop to the bedroom with me and went to take my first sip . When I felt something very not liquid - like . I quickly fished it out of my throat . Hoping it was just a couple of hairs or a piece of lint that had magically ended up in my cup between the pouring and the walking to the bedroom . I grabbed a light and realized it was the body of some bug . * gag , gag , gag * I ran to the kitchen and did a little dry heaving . I took the straw with me and sure enough , some bug had decided to set up shop in the straw and I sucked half him up it with my pop . Not sure if I 'll ever look at a straw the same way again . . . or maybe I should say I 'll never not look before I drink again . I had an excellent day today . Last night , the kids both went to sleep and stayed asleep so I was able to sleep when was , you know , still dark outside . Which meant , I was up a lot earlier than I have been . I called my mom and we went out to the mall . ( with both kids , Shawn was helping some friends build a deck ) We wandered through the stores and chatted . Jasmine was behaving for the first time in weeks . Evan was a little fussy . Ok , I 'm lying , at one point and time he was full out screaming . He was having belly pain . One trip up the elevator and he fell asleep however . ( too bad we didn 't realize that during the 20 minutes of on and off screaming fit ) I bought Jasmine two super cute shirts . Very adorable . Evan got one of those tiny blankets with a frog attached to it since he likes to chew on soft things more than binkys . He loves it . We sat and ate at Max and Erma 's . It was just really nice to get out . Plus , I haven 't gotten to see or speak to my mom much the last few weeks . I always seem to be asleep when she gets home from work . Basically , I missed my mommy . : ) After we got home , me and Jasmine painted in her new book today . I 've been putting off painting with her because it 's messy and I 'm normally miserable . Well , it 's been long enough since the last time she painted and she seems to get the idea now . Before I knew it , we 'd been painting for two hours . It was just a nice day . I keep waiting for something bad to happen . My good days usually go that way . I keep glancing at the phone thinking it 's going to ring with bad news at any moment . Maybe I should go to bed quickly . haha Wow . Talk about a kick to the ole self esteem . We ( he ) got lost on the way to the plastic surgeon today , making me 20 minutes late . If we ( he ) had just listened to me in the first place , I would 've only been a few minutes late . Thankfully , the doctor was running behind . He came in and we discussed what I wanted . Then he looked at one side and said we could forgo a lift if I went with implants since I was only borderline in need of a lift but then he looked at the other side . " Wow , there 's a significant size difference between the two . " Gee , thanks doc because , you know , I wasn 't already self conscious about that . Then he said I would definitely need a lift and he wouldn 't feel comfortable doing one without the other . I was hoping to get away without the implants but he says I will always be quite asymmetrical if I don 't . Right now , I 'm looking at 100cc on one side and 300cc on the other , silicone memory gel implants . If either side has a defect in the first ten years , the company pays the entire cost of another surgery to fix it . If it EVER has a defect after ten years , they pay for a new implant but not a new surgery . My boobies will have a lifetime warranty . : ) The earliest he will do the surgery would be four months since I just had a baby . He likes to wait a total of six months after a baby is born or six months after you stop breast feeding . I don 't know when I 'll be able to do it though since I can 't seem to get financing through anybody without a co - signer . Shawn would like to just pay cash but we 're not great at saving large sums of money when we know it 's for a " fun " expense and not bills . I have to do it the weekend before he goes on vacation so that he is home to help me all week with the kids . The doctor says I should be off pain medication by the third or fourth day and that I 'll still be allowed to lift Evan but not Jasmine . I just want to do it and get it over with so I can look / feel normal again . These kids killed my body . Doc asked how I looked before the kids and I said normal . He turned and saiPosted by I 've had twenty minutes of total quiet . Jasmine hasn 't stopped making noise for weeks . Running , yelling , screaming ( mostly all in the playing sense . . mostly ) , riding a car through the house , playing musical instruments . . . then singing as loudly as she can to them . And I 've been begging her to shut up for weeks . Evan sleeps through most of it . Before you know it , he 'll be making noise too . I 'm going to have to invest in bulk amounts of ear plugs to keep my sanity . It 's only a few more weeks till it really warms up . . . at least that 's what I keep telling myself . I 'll be opening the back door and letting her run like a wild animal . Hopefully I 'll be able to get my flower boxes cleaned out during that time . We have perennials planted in them . My grandma planted them years ago . They 're not . . . very attractive flowers . And until they get flowers , they look like large weeds . My plan is to pull each and every one of them and keep pulling till they stop coming up . Then I 'm going to use the bottom box for vegetables and the top box will probably have mostly sunflowers . ( I love sunflowers . . . I just want to hug ' em ) The flower box in the backyard needs some kind of fence around it before I can plant anything there . Last year the dogs trampled my tulips within hours of the flower finally opening . Oh yeah , I 'm getting the spring bug . I can 't wait to start planting . Who knew I would look forward to this so much every year once we got our own house ? I 'm not too pleased with this whole being female thing at the moment . Cramps from hell . My doctors should be forced to give me darvecet for five days out of every month . I 'm dead serious . I haven 't had a period off of birth control in something like six or seven years . They hurt . I spent most of yesterday whining . . . and then some more today . I haven 't been able to work out since the day I had these moles removed , last Thursday . The positions all rub on one of the two sores I now have and now I have the cramps that make just the thought of exercise painful . I guess now I know why I was so irrationally pissed off the other day though . Thanks PMS for ruining two days . I went nine months without having to think about this stuff and now it just smacked me in the face full force . ' Hey ! Guess what ? I 'm baaaaack . ' I 've gotten quite a bit accomplished in the last couple of days however since I 'm unable to workout and whatnot . We moved a dresser into our bedroom and I moved most of our clothes into it . ( not Shawn 's , he keeps his clothes in his office so he doesn 't wake anyone up when he gets up for work at 4am ) I cleaned out the ferrets cage . . . from top to bottom . Not a small feat considering it 's taller than I am . I usually just clean out the top or the bottom and then do the other part the next time . I was moving it out of my husband 's office though so I figured I would just clean it completely . Dirty little weasel bastards . I still have a few litter boxes to buy before I 'll be letting them use the entire cage 24 hours a day . They need a litter box in every single corner or else they go potty in the corners that don 't have litter boxes and then the litter boxes stay spotless . I cleaned most of the kitchen today . I just have a little corner left to do . I 'll start on the living room tomorrow probably and then move onto the side rooms . Thursday I have my consult with the plastic surgeon . I probably won 't go to sleep the night before . I don 't think I would get up if I fall asleep . Most of the time , I don 't even remember my hPosted by What kind of dog gets a tick in the middle of March ? I mean really , we 're what , two days into Spring ? Really ? I 'm surprised I saw it at all since it blends in with the dog . It was Cash , our fawn doberman pincher . The tick was literally the same color as he is . Being that it was very early morning , I didn 't wan to wake up my husband to help me pull a tick off him so I tried to do it myself . Imagine me , in my kitchen , on a slippery floor . I have a seventy pound wiggling dog , a tick within an inch of said dog 's eye and I have to take tweezers to rip it out . The dog never stops moving under normal circumstances but it was made even worse by me being on the floor with him , this close to his face . I managed to get a hold of the tick and ripped it out . The tick is definitely dead , which I 'm sure of being as his insides were on the outside . . . and his head was missing . Now I have to try and dig the ticks head out of the dog 's face . I eventually had to give up for the night as the cats were making Cash very nervous and he was beginning to growl at them . They were circling him as if getting ready for some sick gang initiation . I was slightly frightened I may be next so we headed for a more secluded room where only the smartest of cats could 've managed to infiltrate . He 's bleeding a little now . . . and the tick head is still in his face . * sigh * I 'll have to get the assistance of my husband tomorrow to help me hold him while I do some . . . digging . I 'm so glad my dogs don 't try and eat me when I am forced to cause them pain . I hear it 's not a fun way to go . Evan went to the doctor today and got some shots . ( 3 total stabs and one was a shot with multiple vaccines ) We get to do it again in May . He 's only had one full bottle since 8pm and it 's now 3 : 30am . He 's been crying a lot and sleeping . I hated going through these with Jasmine . After her first or second set , she ended up with a fever of 102 . We 'll be keeping an eye on him for the next 24 hours as that seems to be when the fever hits with these vaccines . I had thought they 'd stopped vaccinating for Polio but I was wrong as he got that vaccine today . Several weeks ago , we made the discovery that he has an undescended testicle . Shawn talked to the doctor about it today . They used to wait till 5 years of age to treat it but they 've found in the last such - n - such years that waiting that long can cause testicular cancer later on in life . I think if it hasn 't come down on it 's own by one year , they will take action . Even though it 's rare , being a mom and hearing the C - word about your two month old baby is scary . Hopefully in a few more months , it will decide to make it 's presence known . God , the kid is going to hate me when he 's older and finds out I posted for the world to see that his testicles were abnormal . : ) After April 1st , I won 't have to worry about birth control for ten years . That 's crazy to think about . I have problems taking the pills as the hormones affect me adversely . After talking with my regular physician ( as I trust only him 100 % as far as my doctor 's go and know he wouldn 't advise me to do something if he wasn 't certain of it 's safety ) I have decided to get an IUD . No hormones , no pills , nothing for ten years . And no one getting snip snipped until we 're certain we 're done having kids . Now if they approve male birth control in those ten years for distribution and they prove to be safe , my husband can start taking something or getting injected and I 'll be done completely with all birth control . Tomorrow we 're going to take Jasmine to see Coraline in 3D . I 've never seen a movie in 3D so I wanted to go evenPosted by Well , that appointment sucked . The numbing medication burned , thankfully only for a few seconds . Then came the smell . Wow . Burning flesh has a way of staying with you for a while . I came home , changed my clothes and I swear I can still smell it . Ick . I didn 't feel him take it off but I heard it . No stitches were needed . You know it 's going to hurt when your doctor says ' Now this is really going to sting . Please don 't hit me . ' I swear , that 's what he said . That was when he was getting ready to numb the one in my armpit . And he was right , it really stung . I managed to control myself however , and let him go unharmed . : ) The area stayed numb till about an hour after I got home and then the pain set in . I don 't feel one of them at all but the one under my arm has been super uncomfortable . My guess is that it 's a more sensitive area and it also happens to be a place where you sweat more often than anywhere else . After I left the doctor 's office , I began to shake . All that adrenaline had no where to go . At least I was able to control myself and didn 't pass out . ( although before we got there I was pretty convinced it would happen ) Over the years I 've gotten better at learning how to breath and distract my brain a little . I still plan on going back and getting a handful of others removed , including one on my face . I left Evan alone in his bouncer for a few minutes while I went into the bedroom to help clean up a mess Jasmine had made . When I got back , he was crying a little . I figured he was just upset that we had all left him . Then I noticed his hand was bleeding . One of the cats must ( Saffron ) jumped onto him while he was in the bouncer . I 'm assuming they were chasing each other and he was used as a human trampoline . I was no pleased with the kitty . Then I had to make him cry all over again while I scrubbed it clean . Jasmine got upset when she saw his hand because she thought she had done it . Earlier she had pinched his hand ( the other one ) , I 'm assuming just to see what his reaction would be . I used to do similar thingPosted by Tomorrow I have those two moles removed . It 'll be nice to never worry about them again . Then again , I fear needles and having my body cut into pieces , even if it 's a part of my body that I don 't want anymore . Yeah , and I think I can have plastic surgery . HA ! A week from tomorrow is my consultation with the plastic surgeon . I really need to get on making my other appointments . My eye doctor can wait a little while but I really need to call my OB . My appointment with them should 've been six weeks after Evan was born . Evan is going on nine weeks old . Do you think I 'm going to get a lecture ? ? Speaking of Evan . He has a belly ache today . What that means for the rest of us is that we get to listen to him fuss and scream intermittently for hours at a time . When it gets to be too much , I 've been sticking him in one of his various baby contraptions and letting him cry for a while . A few times it 's managed to put him to sleep . And a few times , he 's just cried more . Babies are such . . . babies . Wahhh I have to poop , wahhhh . Get over it . : ) I brought in our old recycling containers tonight for Jasmine 's toys . I had to clean them first , obviously but they worked quite well . You can see the carpet in her room again . My uncle gave us a few dressers and soon we 'll be a little more organized . Maybe I 'll actually be able to locate our clothes without digging through a pile that 's been left on the guest bed . The horror ! If I wasn 't worried about the munchkins waking up , I would go to another set of pilates . I don 't feel the workouts as much during or immediately after as I would like to . When I work out , I want to struggle , curse the instructor and wish for death . I usually feel it to some degree the next day but only if I 'm working those muscles . I think I 'll start doing the dance dance revolution earlier in the day and then in the evening , I 'll do the pilates . Throughout the day I 'll do lunges and squats , as I 've already been doing . ( it doesn 't take long to do 50 of them at a time . . . you can do it while you 're waiting for the microwPosted by I am thinking of taking Jasmine to see Coraline in 3D this weekend . At first I was concerned when I read the reviews stating that it probably isn 't a good idea to bring kids under 7 to the movie due to the scariness of the movie . Then I remembered . My kid has seen I Am Legend and The Dark Knight , both in theatre . She can handle a scary kid 's movie . My 3 year old can kick a 12 year olds ass any day . ; ) Jasmine is fine today . I really wish this would stop happening . I never know when we 're going to wake up and she 's going to be sick again . I 'm going to ask her doctor about it at her yearly check - up . She was able to play outside for a while today . It was pretty windy out there though so 70 felt a little more like 60 . I even had a sweatshirt on . The dogs took turns laying next to me . I 'm not sure if it was jealousy or trying to help keep me warm . Doesn 't matter , I stole as much body heat from the furry monsters as I could get . All three of the aussies are my little sidekicks . The only time they leave my side is if Jasmine is calling them . Our mini rex rabbit , Scrappy died today . I had a feeling it was going to happen soon . He was starting to show his age . A few days ago he got a runny eye and wasn 't eating as well . Then when I checked on him today , he was gone . We had him for seven or eight years . Cleaning his cage was always an issue as I was pretty allergic to him and would spend hours sneezing afterwards . We had planned on getting two female dwarfs from a shelter after he passed but I think we 're going to wait a few years till life calms down . Posted by Yeesh , what a long day . I was looking forward to warm temperatures , playing outside with the dogs and just enjoying the day . My daughter had other ideas . We once again had a day full of unexplained vomiting . All day long she was throwing up on blankets . I had a ton of laundry to do . At least she didn 't spike a fever this time . She did almost end up at the doctor 's office , at the very least . We were in bed and she said she had to pee and that she wanted me to carry her to the bathroom . Once I got to the bedroom door , I had to set her down to open it . Instead of bearing weight , she just collapsed onto the floor . I sat down with her and her eyes kept rolling up into her head . She was acting like she was just going to go to sleep right there , sitting up . I had to slap her in the face a few times to get her to respond . We went to the bathroom but she just sat on the toilet and kept doing the same thing with her eyes going up into her head . Eventually she said she wanted to go back to bed and asked me to turn on one of her shows , by the time I turned around , she was asleep on the bed . My husband called a few minutes after that and we decided if she didn 't wake up acting more normal , that we 'd take her to the doctor . A few minutes later , she was asleep and started vomiting but woke up . She remembered everything that had happened earlier . She continued to throw up for a few hours but in between , she was acting ok so we decided to forgo the doctor . She took a nap around 6 and has been fine since she woke up . She 's currently looking forward to playing outside tomorrow . Does anyone know of some good REAL magazines out there ? I like Marie Claire but only the articles that are about things that happen around the world , not the fashion and make - up crap . Seems like all the magazines out there that are geared towards women have the following on the cover - something about " pleasing " your man , how to keep / find a man , how to dress ( probably for a man ) , how to apply make - up ( ditto ) . Why not , something with some substance ? I picked up a Time magazine this week and will flip through it and see if it holds my attention . I don 't want to know how to get / keep / please / dress for / etc . for a man . If the one I have , doesn 't like me the way I am then tough . If I needed to make changes to certain behaviors that might hurt his feelings or cause friction in the relationship , fine but if you don 't like my effin ' make - up , go find something you do like . ( my husband loves me the way that I am by the way ) I was thinking of trying a National Geographic but I 'm not sure if it 's geared towards what I 'm interested in . And really , I 'm not completely sure what that is , until I find it . It was a long weekend but a good one . I have now been up for over 36 hours . I should be sleeping but , I 'm not really tired right now . I got to spend the last almost 36 hours with my husband ( he took a nap . . . wimp ) . These last two weeks , I really haven 't seen much of him . When he 's asleep , I 'm awake and vice versa . We got breakfast today , went to my mom 's , played outside on the swings , and went to my uncle 's . That 's the most I 've done in a day in . . . well I can 't remember . Before I was pregnant it seems . I really wish people lived off less sleep . I wouldn 't want to forgo all sleep because , I like dozing off . However , I 'd like to be able to survive off more like 2 hours than 8 to 10 . I could live with 2 hours out of my day devoted to sleep . But , I want my kids to sleep much longer than that . HA ! This past week , I took Rocky out in the early morning hours to go potty . While outside , I thought I saw a bird nest in the magnolia tree . I was thinking it would probably be some sort of finch nest since it was on the branches and not secured at the trunk of the tree . I didn 't have my contacts in so I had to get pretty close to the tree before I was fully aware of what it was . It turned out to be a very large hornet nest . ( I believe it to be a baldfaced hornet ) It 's about the size of a volley ball . We 'll actually have to cut some of the branches off the tree to remove it . I didn 't stick around to look at it for very long but I did get some pictures , which I will post later on . I was doing some research online and it turns out that they typically will not reuse a nest and once winter sets in , they all die . I 'm thinking of cutting it open to get a look at the inside structure . I think it would be neat to see it from a different view but I want to be sure I won 't be harming anything inside . I can 't believe this massive thing went un - noticed all summer and fall . It 's not far from our backdoor so you would think one of us would 've been observant enough to see it . I do remember Shawn saying he was mowing over in that area one day and had rubbed up against the trees . He said the sky turned black and he didn 't stick around to see where they were coming from . It concerns me because I have a moderate allergic reaction from one sting ( at least the last time I checked , which has been since I was 10 or so ) . I don 't doubt that several at once would kill me . My main reason for concern is the kids . They have never been stung so I don 't yet know what their reaction would be and I don 't want to find out from a hive of them attacking us . If I thought something was still living in there , I was going to take it out to a field but I 've also read that sometimes these hornets take to killing honey bees , which we all know are not expendable right now . Looks like this nest is going to be used to my science brain food . ; ) I 'll be sure to iPosted by I ate , you can all breathe a sigh of relief . : ) I fit into a smaller size of pants now . I now have three pairs of pants that I fit into . My husband keeps telling me to buy more jeans but then I can get lazy and just wear that size for however long . This way , I have to lose weight to wear clothes . It 's strange , but it works for me . I only did squats last night , since most of my weight is in my butt and thighs . I 'll go back to the pilates on Monday . After the workout the other day , my abs are still sore . I wasn 't able to make it 24 hours without sleep . I guess in my old age , I just can 't make it that far anymore . : ) ( for those unaware I 'm 26 but my husband and mom say I act like an old woman ) My husband is supposed to actually wake me up today when he gets home so that I 'll only have a few hours of sleep . He fell asleep right after he walked in the door last night and didn 't wake me . Evan finally fell asleep yesterday morning at 11am . He didn 't wake up again until 7pm . And he really didn 't wake up . He was just making a lot of stretching noises so I made a bottle and fed him . He never actually opened his eyes . He then slept till 10pm before he finally woke up . And it wasn 't pretty . I had a sore throat all last week and I think he has it now . If he was older , I would 've thought he was teething because he has been drooling a lot the last two days . But I think it 's because it hurts to swallow since he 's drinking his bottles kind of funny . At one time , he screamed for 45 minutes and that is definitely NOT like him . The only time Evan cries is if he 's in pain and if he 's REALLY hungry . ( and the stupid adults have failed to recognize that in a timely fashion ) I eventually got him to fall asleep in one of Jasmine 's chairs . Which she was very not pleased about . I had to promise to buy her a toy to get her off my back . I won 't do it again but desperate times and all that . The chair vibrates and I was able to pat his back through the fabric and get him to fall asleep . I then proceeded to tip toe through the house till he wokePosted by I 'm so tired and I have only been up for 12 hours . Yeah that 's right , I didn 't get up until 9pm . It was a long night / day the previous day , let 's just leave it at that . I 'm attempting to stay awake today so I can fix my sleep schedule . I don 't know if I 'm going to make it . Actually , at this point , I strongly doubt that I 'll make it . Shawn is supposed to wake me up when he gets home so hopefully , it 'll be more of nap than going to sleep . I 'm not sure I 'll have a choice if Evan doesn 't go to sleep and stay that way for more than a few minutes . Jasmine isn 't helping the situation . I wish it was dinner time . I don 't feel like making anything right now but it 's been about 36 hours since the last time I ate something . This is the second time this week that I will have gone 48 hours without eating . The first was Saturday night till Monday night and that was because I really wasn 't feeling well . This time is more stress than anything . It 's no wonder I want to sleep , I don 't have anything in me to keep me awake . I 'm basically just rambling at this point . My son is seven weeks old , he should sleep more . He just finally went to sleep at 7am after being awake for over 8 HOURS . Someone broke his sleep switch or something . And I want to know who damnit . : ) But I found a way to exercise when he won 't let me . I figured out that in the time it takes for the toliet to flush completely and stop making noise , I can do 42 squats . : ) I 've been reading a lot the last few weeks . I can only read a little at a time before one of the kids needs something but it prolongs my reading enjoyment . Otherwise , I 'd read most books in one or two sittings . Particularly if it 's a really gripping book . Right now I 'm reading Still Alice by Lisa Genova . I had no idea it was the bestsellers list until after I bought it . I don 't pick my books based on popularity or the cover . More often than not , a particular book just draws me into it for no apparent reason . I don 't even need to see the cover , just the binding and I know I 'll buy it . I read every book from cover to cover , no matter how awful it may be . I once read some where that if a book hasn 't gotten you by page 150 , it 's just not going to happen but I always finish them just in case . So far , the page 150 rule has been right every time . At any rate , the book I 'm reading right now is about a fifty year old college professor who is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer 's . I 'm about halfway through it now . It 's really got me thinking about the possibility of my mom , myself or my children having the disease . I don 't think we 'd have the gene for early onset but I would not be surprised if one of us has one of the other gene 's that causes Alzheimer 's . There 's a lot to suggest that my great grandma on my mom 's side had dementia or Alzheimer 's . She was never diagnosed with anything but it was pretty clear one holiday when she was at my grandparents house and she told my great grandfather that she didn 't know anyone there and that she wanted to go home . My grandfather was her son . My grandfather was in his 70 's when he passed away and never showed any signs that I 'm aware of that he had any type of dementia . We don 't know yet about my grandmother . She has memory problems but doesn 't want to address them . Only time will tell . My dad 's mom has been diagnosed with dementia . The doctor 's claim it was brought on by chemotherapy . But who knows that she hadn 't already had symptoms of the disease before she started the chemo anPosted by I have a consultation in two weeks with the plastic surgeon . It should be fun to have my body judged with a very critical eye . Yeesh . I don 't suppose I could be a super physically fit person in two weeks time huh ? Next week I 'm having some cutting done to my poor body . It 's an appointment I 've been putting off but I felt like if I have the balls to have major surgery , then I should have them to do this too . I 'm having two moles removed and not for cosmetic reasons either . One rubs continuously on my clothes and bleeds , the other is under my arm and I 'm sick of shaving over it . I have a few that I 'd like to have removed for cosmetic purposes but I 'll wait on those . One is on my face and I 'll have that removed by a plastic surgeon to be sure to have the smallest scar and the others will be removed by my normal m . d . I still need to make a few more doctors appointments , three actually but at least this is a start . I 'll make the rest for next month or the month after . ( dentist , girl doctor and eye doctor ) I 've spent the last few days looking at boobs . Lots of boobs , webpages full of only boobs . I have decided to get some new boobs . Boobs , boobs , boobs . ; ) Geez , who knows what kind of people are going to visit my blog through the search engines after that . Yes , my announcement is that I 've made the decision to get plastic surgery . I never ever thought I would be a person to get breast augmentation but I had no idea what I would look like after two kids either . I 'm 26 and I have the boobs of a much older woman . I hate looking in the mirror . And I avoid it at all costs now if I 'm shirtless . I always thought the people that got this surgery were women who were sluts , or young girls too stupid to realize that their small breasts were just as beautiful , if not more so , than the big chested girl down the road . I 'm not doing this for anyone other than myself . Again , I always assumed women did this for men , whether it was the men in their life or the men they wanted in their life . I 'm aware of the risks and the pain involved . However , I still intend to go through with it . It will be a while however as my body still needs to recover from the last kid I popped out and I need to work on the money needed to pay for the surgery . ( which costs more than popping out a kid , by the way ) I plan on scheduling my consultation in the next few weeks so that I can get an exact idea of what I 'm looking at . I 'm planning on a lift with implants but I 'll have to wait and see what they tell me is needed for the best results . The doctor I want to go to is in Chicago but I don 't need them to tell me he 's ridiculously expensive in order to know it . Therefore , I will be going to a more local surgeon as long as I 'm satisfied with them after my consultation . So that is the announcement . I will not be leaving blogging . I couldn 't even if I wanted to . I 've been doing this for a long time now and it 's become a part of my daily life . It would be extremely difficult to ever give it up . I am currently watching a foster cat for one of the other fosters that had to go out of town . She 's a small calico with a powerful punch . I don 't think the cat should ever be given catnip again . I was interested in seeing what her reaction would be so I threw some on the floor . Then I made the mistake of trying to throw a toy mouse for her . She went for my hand instead . Thank god she has her nails trimmed . My hand still stings . I 'm not used to catnip having that effect on a cat . My personal cats just go to sleep after eating it . I 'm currently listening to a savage calico run rampant through my house . Is it any wonder my bedroom door is locked ? ; ) I have a small announcement to make in the coming days . I 'm sure some will have less than positive things to say about it . At one point , I would 've had the same reaction but things have changed . A very good friend of mine tried to overdose on pain killers tonight . She 's going to be fine . I don 't know what to do . I don 't want her to be left alone for even a second but I have two kids of my own to take care of . My brother took the pills but I 'm sure there are others in the house some where and there 's always other ways to kill yourself . I really think she would be dead right now if my brother hadn 't gone over there . She called me but I wasn 't home at the time . It 's not like I could 've predicted that this would happen but I still feel awful that when she needed me , I wasn 't there to answer the phone . By the time my brother got there , she had already taken 1800 mg of Lyrica and was finishing writing her suicide letters . He 's with her now and will be till morning when he has to go to work . She 'll be going to school a few hours after he leaves so she won 't be alone for too long and her sister is there as well . I think after she gets home tomorrow I 'll go pick her up for the evening . All this time I 've been so worried about my brother and what he 's been going through . I just feel like I 'm going to be sick . I 've felt that way since I talked to him hours ago . I wanted to go over there right away but again , I have two small kids . Jasmine loves her so much and I didn 't want her to see my friend like that . It 's been a rough couple of weeks . I didn 't get to sleep till around 11am this morning . I was so exhausted that I couldn 't sleep . I think my sinuses were swollen as well because my teeth were hurting , any time I pushed on my cheeks , it hurt worse . Evan woke up about a half hour after I fell asleep but went right back to dreamland as soon as the bottle was finished . The next time he woke up , I had him on my lap . After he was finished with that bottle , I let him lay there for a while since he wasn 't totally knocked out , I didn 't want to risk moving him and waking him up . I was sitting up and leaned my head against the wall behind my bed . The next thing I knew , Shawn was in the room telling me to call my mom and taking Evan into the other room . It wasn 't till later that he told me that I had been passed completely out when he came in . I thought I had been awake the entire time . I can 't believe I was so tired that I fell asleep sitting like that . That was the whole point of sitting in an awkward position , so that I wouldn 't fall back to sleep with him on my legs . Now , I 'm off to read a little bit of my book and relax before , hopefully , going to sleep . I had to remove the elizabethan collar from Minka yesterday . Why ? She decided it would be a good idea to melt herself to the baseboard heater . She must have laid down next to it to keep her warm with the collar against the heater melted to it and when the heater turned off , the plastic got cold again and hardened . I figured to keep from having smoked cat , I should just take the thing off . I told you , she 's retarded . |
I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . So many years living in this nightmare . . . . . so many dark memories for these children . Children who did nothing wrong . Who 's lives were stolen from them by an impostor . Someone they thought they could trust . After all , he worked at their favorite place to play . He was dressed as one of their favorite characters . How could they have ever known . . . . that it would come to this ? Of course , years and years of pain . . . it makes people do things they never thought they would do . Makes them angry . And hurt . Revenge was something they thought would fix everything . But , it didn 't . When the man who betrayed them died , his soul stayed . It didn 't make them any happier , didn 't fix what was broken . And now , they were stuck with him forever . Perhaps , more killing would ? Yes , after all , there were plenty more people like this man . More people in that security outfit . They had to be bad too . All they had to do was get rid of all the bad guys . And so , they killed . And killed . Every person they saw when it was time for them to roam , they killed , and made like them . Yet , was wasn 't anything working ? Why couldn 't these children just move on ? Was there anything that could put their souls at ease ? Or would the pain far in the past continue to haunt them worse than they haunted others ? 1 . There are more ghosts in this rp than just the five children . These ghosts include the Purple Guy , the ghost controlling the marionette , and possibly others depending on how things go . 2 . There will be a more humans than just the Night Guard . These humans can either be friends of the Nightguard who come to Freddy 's with him or they can be workers at Freddy 's . 3 . In the rp , in contrast to the games , it will be in a Freddy 's Pizzeria that the children are set free , not the Freddy 's Fright . It just makes things easier since a lot of the characters were left out in that one XD 4 . The animatronics can not move during the day . This is kind of obvious . But that doesn 't mean the ghosts can 't : 3 This also doesn 't mean ghosts can go crazy during the day scaring people either . Ghosts will show themselves in moderation , not all the time . For the sake of the rp , we will say the ghosts can chose when they want to show themselves and when they don 't . 5 . This rp will take place in this year ( 2017 ) . The timeline of games to now goes : FNAF4 , FNAF2 , FNAF , and the rp would be basically canceling out FNAF3 . I think FNAF4 and 2 happened in the same week as well , so keep that in mind . 7 . The ghosts are able to choose when they can and can 't become solid , though it takes years of trying ( of course , them being ghosts for over thirty years they have been able to accomplish this ) and even then it takes a massive about of concentration to become solid even for just a few moments . This is why they still use the animatronics to do their dirty work . 8 . Instead of the security getting ' trained ' by the tapes with phone guys and such , our new guard will be doing on the job training . The new security guard is on duty and doing all the work of course , but there 's another character . He will be head of security . On a side note this guard is probably in his twenties and would be pretty experienced at Freddy 's , having worked and survived the night shift a few times . And being a guard would run in his family . In other words : The grandson of the Purple Guy . Biography : Unlike most siblings , Jacob actually had a very good relationship with his sister . Perhaps it was the age difference that they were able to get along with one another fairly well . Sure , there were times when his sister got on his nerves and he would try to defy her rules she had when babysitting he and some of his friends , but all together he and his sister were really close . When he found out his sister was babysitting him for the summer , he was a little disappointed . He would have much rather someone who wasn 't apart of his family watch him , but he really didn 't have a choice in the matter and went along with it quietly . Hey , at least she took them to Freddy Frazbear 's Pizzeria alot ! Yet , it was one of those times that they went there where things changed for them . . . forever . When he saw his sister asleep at one of the tables , he didn 't think much of it . After all , his sister had been studying a lot , so maybe she just needed a break . So , he and the other children went on playing , as if nothing was wrong . It was toward closing time though , that something strange happened . One of the workers in a Bonnie suit approached he and his friends , asking them if they wanted to see the newest animatronics in the back getting put together . They agreed happily and followed the man to a part of the restaurant marked for employees only . Though , that was strange . . . where were the animatronics he was talking about ? When they asked him this , he stated there were no new animatronics and , in fact , they were going to be the animatronics . The children , realizing what was going to happen to them , began cowering and crying , the man pulling out his knife , ready to kill Jacob and the other children . Jacob though , maybe , his sister would save them . She jumped at the man , trying to wrestle the knife away from him , but . . . she failed . The children were forced to watch the young woman 's horrible fate , tortured and killed slowly by the man . After he died , he thought that was it . But , he was wrong . He heard his sister , calling his name . Perhaps this was a dream ? He only wished it was , but it wasn 't . When he woke up , he was standing beside the Freddy Frazbear animatronic , but he felt strange . Different . And his sister , she was different too , standing beside the Marionette that used to give them gifts . The marionette seemed to move with his sister , mimicking her actions sometimes . It took him a moment to realize that she was controlling it . And he , when trying , could do the same , expect it was with Freddy . He had no more small frail body that someone could break . No , now he had Freddy . No one would ever break him again . Other : Jacob listens to his sister a lot . If she tells him to do something , he does it without question . If he tells her to calm down , he calms down , if she tells him to listen to her music box , he listens , and if she tells him to kill the security guard . . . . well , how could he argue with that ? Biography : Simon is the older brother between he and his sister . Well , if you count being born three minutes before she was that is . He and his sister are twins . Despite their bickering , his sister is his best friend and they are always together . He loves to pick on her as well , though if he sees any one else messing with her or making her sad , he is the first one to stand up for her and protect her . Just like he did the day that they died . He and his sister were the last ones to die at the hands of the purple man and before the evil man could get to his sister , Simon shielded her , trying to protect her the best a six year old boy can . The ending was the same , with both of them dying , but at least he had tried . When he died , he thought that was the end . But it wasn 't . His babysitter , Annabella , had other plans for all of them . He and his sister got new bodies , and their new bodies were Bonnie the Bunny and Chica the Chicken . He was stronger now . He was able to protect his sister better now , not that she needed it with a stronger body of her own . When Annabella , or Marionette as she told them to call her now , suggested that they start taking out all the security guards , that they would do the same as the other man did in killing them , they were excited about it . They were going to be doing good . He loved to play with their ' new toys ' they got . Each one reacted so differently to seeing he and his sister . Other : He loves playing the with new ' toys ' . That 's really the only thing he thinks of the new guards . They were just toys at their disposal . And he always loved to figure out new ways to play with them . Sydney is the younger sister between she and her brother . Well , if you count being born three minutes after he was , that is . She and her brother are , obviously , twins . Despite their bickering , her brother is her best friend and their always together . It 's almost as if their attached at the hip ! She hates that her brother plays mean little jokes and picks on her , but she knows he means well ; If he sees any one else messing with her or making her sad , he is the first one to stand up for her and protect her . Really , he 's always been her knight in shining armor , and she 's always been his King ( because Queens don 't get absolutely control ) ! Just like all their games of make believe . It had been . . . Horrible . She and her brother had been the last the parish , they had been able to do nothing . Simon looking frantically looking for an exit . And her self , just , standing there . Stock still . In fear . Frozen . When the man finally turned to her , Simon had done the other thing a brother could . He used his body as a shield . He died trying . And then finally , after seeing the life leave her brothers body , she to was mercilessly slaughter , while trying to desperately reach out to her brother one last time . Well . . . She thought that was going to be the end , the last time she ever saw her brother . But the Marionette gave them a second chance ! Kill the guards like they killed them and be together forever ! Saving all the other boys and girls and forever being bound to one another . What else could she ask for , what else could she want ? She 's to play Chica the Chicken in this little haunt . In life she had been the more timid of the two , always needing her brother to lead the way . In death she 's doing her best to never let it be the same . She won 't freeze again . Next time they save the best for last it won 't be because she was to scared . No kid plans on witnessing multiple murders in one setting , but when they do it 's pretty understandable that they leave the event more then a little traumatized . ( Not to mention probably a little confused and scared for his life , with questions like . " Was I seen ? Am I next ? What happened ? " ) Needless to say , like any kind scared out of his ever loving mind he kept it completely to himself . He had picked up rather quickly on Darius ' new found fear of all things Freddy 's , and he took great joy tormenting him with it as older siblings are known to do . His brother made his home just as much of a living hell as Freddy 's was . No where was safe from the crippling fear and persisting nightmares . His life was polluted by a constant state of terror . His brother had taken things to far . Biography : Anna was just your average girl . She was beautiful , well liked , and all around possibly the person with the most promise in her small town . She graduated high school at the top of her class and enrolled in the local university in her home town . Of course , with her living in her home town and her parents working all the time , she offered to watch her younger brother , Jacob when summer time came around , as well as a few of the other kids in town . One of their favorite places to go was Freddy Frazbear 's Pizzeria , which had been recently remodeled with new animatronics and many rooms the children could play in . It was such a great place . Or . . . so she thought . One day , while they were all there , the kids running from room to room playing , Annabella had been doing some summer school work for her university at one of the tables and , due to her having stayed up late studying the night before , fell asleep at the table , only to wake up after closing with one of the workers shaking her awake before walking out saying she had to leave before the Nightguard locked the doors . Confused , the young woman got up and after packing her things , began to walk around the restaurant , trying to find the kids , and hearing them crying , followed the sounds to a room labeled ' Safe Room : Employees Only ' . Despite the sign , hearing them crying , she rushed into the room to see a man , dressed in a purple security guard outfit , hovering over the children that he had cornered with a knife in his hand . It was instinct what she did next . She had to try to defend her younger brother and the other children . Had to save them . It was painful , filled with her screams as the man slowly killed her , torturing her until she finally died and her body stuffed into the box in the prize corner to lay dead beside the old puppet . After he killed her , he killed the children , including her younger brother . He had won . Gifts . Give gifts . Yes , that was what she did . . . . or was it what the Marionette did ? But . . . she was the Marionette , wasn 't she ? Yes . . . yes she was . Her body may have died , but now she had a new one . One that was . . . . less disposable . And now , it was her job to give gifts . And her first gifts ? The gifts of life . The children she died protecting , they would not perish . Their souls would live on . They would be fixed . She would make it so . And that is what she did . They got their revenge in time . It didn 't take long . The man wasn 't as smart as he thought he was . He had stuffed them in suits , and yet he himself was in a suit . One that was his end . The Springtrap . Yet . . . why did she not feel better ? And why weren 't the children at ease ? Perhaps they still had more to do . . . more . . . killing . Other : She 's very angry and has been since the day she and the children were killed . With her soul not at ease and pain she feels , now she will try to kill anyone that wears the same uniform that evil man did , as if it will ebb away at the bitterness and help her pass on . So far though , all it has done is make things worse and make her sick in the head . She cares about the children with her deeply , as if they are her own family . She tried to keep them on a straight track and from becoming ' completely ' insane . Messing with the security guards is one thing , but if they mess with any of the other workers she will correct them . They are after the men in uniform , not any person they can get their hands on . Of course . . . sometimes they just won 't listen . She tried so hard in her first few years of death to forget about her human life all together , that way it wouldn 't make her sad to think about anymore . So , now , thirty years later , she remembers very little about her past before she was ghost . Its sad , but true , yet she is so caught up in her revenge that she doesn 't realize just how much she has truly forgotten . Not only has she forgotten her memories , but also she has forgotten what its like to be human . To care and feel for others ( besides the kids of course ) . This is what makes her so vicious in her attacks because she herself has forgotten just how important life truly is . Vincent wasn 't always so messed up . He was a good guy . He once loved the animatronics and at one time in his life would never have dared to harm a child . But bad things can change a person quickly . When he turned twenty five he married the love of his life . This woman was everything to him and he thought they would be together forever . He could only assume his thoughts were confirmed when she had his child . A son . Everything was just going so right with him he thought nothing could ever bring him down . That is , until he came home one morning to find his wife and son gone , a single note laying on the kitchen counter . His wife left him for another man , and to add even more injury to him , took their son away , never allowing the poor man to see his son . He was torn apart by all this , but tried to go on . He really did . He went to work faithfully every day and sometimes even the nights . Yet , it all was too much . Hearing those children 's laughter . It all reminded him of the son he could never spend time with . It was like ripping open that all too fresh wound every second he stayed in that place . He just had to stop the laughter . Had to get them to shut up . And one night , he did . Four children , all playing , their laughters filling the restaurant much louder than the other children . And even better for his sudden plan , the girl supposed to be watching them seemed to be asleep . This would work perfectly for him . As closing time drew near , he knew he had to make his move quickly . And so , he approached the children , giving his best smile , telling them there was new electronics in the back , ones that were going to be put to use VERY soon . He asked them if they would want to see them , and of course , the kiddies said yes , following him so willingly into the back room . By now , everyone had gone home and he had these children all to him . As they walked in , he shut the door behind them , being sure to stand between them and the only exit in the room . When they asked where the animatronics were , he replied to them coolly that there were none . And more so , that they were going to be the animatronics now . With that , the man pulled out a knife he had stolen last minute from the restaurant 's kitchen and began advancing toward the crying children . Only that stupid girl got in the way . She had found them and screamed at him to leave the kids alone , trying to wrestle the knife away from him . She couldn 't though . She wasn 't as strong as he was . He was easily able to pin her to the floor and with a wicked smile on his face , took her life first . Oh did he have fun with her , watching her bleed with every little cut and stab he gave her , letting her death be slow , so that he could take in her pain . After his long time of letting the girl take the pain and die , he turned his attention on the children . He wasn 't as slow with them . Not that he didn 't want to do the same to them , but he knew if he waited any longer he might run out of time hiding all the bodies . So , he killed them , every last one of them . And once he had stolen their lives , he stuffed them each in an animatronic , and was done with them for good . The next few weeks for him were full of torture . He was working the night shift and everywhere he turned they were there . The children and the girl , or the animatronics he had stuffed them into . Paranoia and panic filled him more and more with every moment he was in there . He had to get rid of them . The animatronics . Perhaps if he did the ghostly figures would leave him be . And so , he did away with them . Every one of them . Tore them apart to where they would never bother him again ! Yet , even it the animatronics weren 't there to haunt him any more , that didn 't mean the ghosts weren 't , and they were closing in . He thought he would be safe . After all , the room he was in was called the Safe Room . No animatronics could enter that place , so surely those ghosts couldn 't either , right ? Wrong . He stood in there , hiding , when suddenly all five of them appeared before him , the girl walking forward , a deadly look on her face . Fearing his life and what the ghosts could do to him , he had the brilliant idea to get into the old Bonnie spring lock suit . After all , they couldn 't touch him when he was in that . It was a fabulous idea . The idea thought , would be the one to finally take him out . A wide smile grew on the girl 's face as the spring locks collapsed within the suit . The ghosts fading away for now where the last things he saw before everything went black . Once they found Spring Trap in a bloody mess , the Fazbear 's manager didn 't want to deal with this . They would get shut down if this got out after all . So , the only option was , to board up the safe room for good . Hide the gory animatronic and never let it see the light of day again . Anthony grew up in a small suburban household with one sister who is younger and a single mother . He played baseball for his high school and pretty much had an uneventful average childhood . He moved out right after high school into an apartment closer to the city for work , in an effort to take a burden off his mothers shoulders . She was reluctant to see him go , but grateful for one less mouth to feed . Really laid back , kind of quiet . He likes to read and tends to do it whenever he can find the time , even at work or important events . He is known to have bad luck and has become more pessimistic since high school . He thinks of himself as completely average and doesn 't have really good people skills nor does he wish to be social . Favorite Character at Freddy 's : He 's kind of really doesn 't like the animatronics . When he was a kid though he liked Bonnie . Perhaps it was the purple . . . . Xander grew up as a normal kid . He went to school , made friends , and listened well to his parents . Sure , he had some . . . anger issues . Nothing serious though , and through those issues did his best to do what was right . His father worked as the head security guard at Freddy Fazbear 's Pizzeria , and apparently so did his grandfather , who had went missing a few years before he was born . Xander would often go with his father to work when the man worked the day shift and he had just as much fun as the other children . Back then , his favorite animatronic was Bonnie , though if asked he would always say Bonnie was his favorite only because ' his fur is purple like Daddy 's uniform ' . It was rather obvious that when he turned eighteen he would fall under the family business and take up a job as a security guard at Freddy 's as well . But , of course , the teenagers always get the job no one else wants ; the night shift . Quickly he realized that things were very different at night when at Freddy 's . The animatronics moved and even tried to get at him a few times . He didn 't understand what was going on and it scared the living hell out of him . Needless to say , once his shift was over , he went straight to his father to question the man . His father seemed to just know what the boy was going to ask him about because he had a whole speech ready for him . A speech that Xander didn 't exactly like to hear . . . His grandfather , the first in their family to work at Fredbear 's , when Freddy 's was still called that anyway , had done something horrible within the halls of the restaurant . No one knew though , except for them . Their family were the only ones that knew the full truth . Sure there were rumors , but no one had solid proof but them . His father showed him letters . Many letters his grandfather had written to no one but himself . How he was going insane . How he hated his wife for taking their son away . And how , in his misery , seeing the happy smiling children in the restaurant just drove him crazy . Drove him to a place he would never return from . He had killed five people . Five innocent people . No only that , but even after he killed them , these people , supposedly , continued to haunt him , controlling the animatronics to go after him . The souls of the people he killed were in those machines . The letters were still well hidden within the Summer 's home , and no one would ever know , expect for them . Only they knew the truth . Yet , there was still the question of , what happened to his grandfather ? Where had he disappeared to ? He supposed he would just have to find out in time . For now , Xander continued to work at Freddy 's the next few years , and now , six years later , his father has retired and he is the head security at the place , training all the new comers that join the team . Of course , there are still times he has to work against the animatronics , but he 's grown used to it and seen their patterns , so he 's become practiced at saving his own skin , with a few close calls of course . Still , he just tells the new guards in training that the animatronics roaming mode is glitched . Couldn 't have them questioning things , now could he ? He had to protect the family name after all . Other : He 's not as cruel as his grandfather was . In fact , he tries to do good , while at the same time hiding the truth . Its a bit of mixed feelings from him . And it doesn 't help with a certain voice in his ear telling him to continue what the golden bunny started . To finish the job that is still waiting to be done . It drives him insane and drive him to do things he normally wouldn 't do . He 's just messed up in the head . The question is , will he fall into that same insanity or will he mark his own path ? Ever since she was little , living in a brown stone in up down town york , she had always been bright and bubbly when she allowed herself to be around others . But if you forced yourself into her space when she was having alone time you were bound to find one of two things . A depressing mess of a girl , or a fiery death bomb of a woman just ready to explode in your face . Her parents took her to professionals for awhile , trying to figure out what was wrong . They never pinned down a solid diagnosis . Some said MPD , others said BPD , most guessed depression , but none were sure . The only thing they could get out of her was in these mood swing moments she claimed to be thinking about recurring nightmares she had and doesn 't feel completely like herself . You might wonder what she does when she wonders off , well , thats pretty easy to answer . She tinkers with anything that ticks . ( even if she 's not allowed ) Mechanics has always been a bit of her passion of hers , so later in life , when she moved close to a local pizzeria looking for someone to make sure the animatronics and other machinery stay 'd running , she wasn 't exactly going to say no . Now was she ? She has the bad habit of talking to the animatronics like their people . Asking how their day has been , complimenting parts of their gears , complains about her day , apologizing for not moving fast enough to stop the kid from the Guffin 's Birthday Party from throwing a whole pizza directly into Freddy 's mouth , etc . She claims just because their metal doesn 't mean their any less alive . ( no one said she wasn 't a little off her rocker . ) When she needs time alone she 's hang out in the spares parts room , or in pirates cove . Away from crowds basically . Anywhere she can get away and talk to a wall or cry for awhile . As long as she gets her work done who cares ? Biography : There really isn 't much to her past . She 's just your average girl who grew up here in the same town that Freddy 's opened up in . She loves to cook and loves kids as well . This is why she started working at Freddy Fazbear 's Pizzeria . After all , the place had both of those things ! I 'm fine doing both . In some points in the rp I may be aggressive and lead the plot and in other parts I may look to my partner to lead it . I try to keep things equal though and keep us both equally leading . " Yeah , well this is where the big boss man has us , so get we have to used to it . " Xander commented to the manager of the Pizzeria as they looked up at the old sign in the front of the building that read the name of the place , before the two of them walked into the ' new ' location , where the restaurant would soon be . . . after it was cleaned up a little bit that is , " This old place was left to rot for years , so what do you expect ? With out budgets cuts we couldn 't keep the other building , so we have no choice but to move the Pizzeria here . " " You would think he would have sold this place long ago . It 's so . . . . creepy . " He said walking into the very entrance of the basement to turn on the lights all around the dusty restaurant , " Gonna take a lot of work too , getting this place in working order . " " Of course we can . It 's not like we 're going to be doing this all by ourselves . All the other workers from the old location are going to come and pitch in on the clean up and preparations . The owner 's paying us all overtime to do this crap . " He began flipping switches in the power box at the very top of the basement stair way , " The first thing we have to do is bring in those animatronics and boxes from the old place . Their in my truck . If we hurry we can go ahead and get that done before night falls . After all , I don 't want those things in free roaming mode inside my truck . " Xander really didn 't feel like going out and getting those . . . things . He didn 't like touching them . It just sent chills down his spine looking at them , let alone being so close to them . Yet , he sucked it up and did as he was told , going out to the truck and helping the man unload everything . The animatronics were first to go inside , being set upon the empty stage while the two men began bringing crates and boxes inside and carrying them down to the basement . Some crates of things were too heavy for the two of them to move on their own so they just left those in the truck for now and continued on with the things the two of them could carry . The manager though , who hadn 't seemed to felt the movement when carrying it , was annoyed that he had let it go , " Kid , you gotta work out or something if that thing was too heavy for you to help me carry . " Leaning down , the older man picked up the puppet , a curious look on his face , " I 've never seen this one before . Well , I mean I 've seen old drawings of it , but that 's all . It 's an animatronic . " He began turning it over in his hands curiously , thinking something over in his head , " You know , we might be able to use this one . As a new edition . You know , new place , new thing for the kids to play with . " " Kid , so are all the others . Besides , we can clean it up . Maybe we can even look into what it used to do here and we can fix something up for it . I 'll talk to the boss tomorrow . " He walked over , setting the puppet on the stage for now with the other animatronics before dusting his hands off on his pants , " Alright , I think that 's good for today , we 'll get the rest of that stuff tomorrow . Be here bright and early so we can get a jump start on all the cleaning and repairs . " " Yes sir . " Xander stated with a nod , though he seemed to be distracted by his thoughts , watching the man leave before walking over to the stage , stepping up onto it and to where the thing lay limp on the wooden platform . He was quiet , standing there staring down at it for longest time before he spoke , his voice coming out in a knowing tone , " You 're one of them . " He huffed , kicking the thing a few feet away from him , " Great . Another thing to have to deal with when I start watching this place . " Turning he went to walk off , only to have something grip around his leg and jerk him so that he fell flat on his face on the floor . Quickly scrambling to his feet , he saw the puppet 's long arm react to lay back limply beside it once more , and even worse , he saw , just a glance , of a girl standing behind it , a girl just a few years younger than himself , with ghostly yet stunning grey eyes and hair . Scrambling to his feet before she could do anything more to him , he quickly made it to the door and left out . He had read about her , just as he had all the others . Now , they were all able to fight . All able to get at him . But he wouldn 't let them . He wouldn 't be another victim like all the guards they had killed before . He had fought them off this long and when this place opened up , he would continue to fight them off . He would always win , he was sure of himself on that . ...[̲̅ s ̲̅][̲̅ i ̲̅][̲̅ x ̲̅] [̲̅ m ̲̅][̲̅ o ̲̅][̲̅ n ̲̅][̲̅ t ̲̅][̲̅ h ̲̅][̲̅ s ̲̅] [̲̅ l ̲̅][̲̅ a ̲̅][̲̅ t ̲̅][̲̅ e ̲̅][̲̅ r ̲̅]... This had become a game to them . Something they did with every new Night Guard that happened to walk through those doors . The poor fools had no idea what they were walking into , but they soon would . Annabella would make sure they realized quickly that things in Freddy Fazbear 's Pizzeria were not what they seemed to be . It was so much better for her now that her Marionette was freed from the crate . She didn 't have to only scare them now . Now she could go back to killing them as well , just as she used to do all those years ago . Their game was simple and oh did they enjoy playing it . Bonnie and Chica got to always try first . The guard usually had an easier time deterring them , but Nora and Skylar made excellent distractions for the others . Of course , every once and a while those two got a kill , but it wasn 't often . When Bonnie and Chica couldn 't get to them , Foxy would have his fun , running so quickly down the halls to jump in and take them out so quickly . Sometimes he wouldn 't get the guard either though , so that 's when Freddy would take charge . Jacob was a little sneakier than the others . He moved quickly and silently usually . Sometimes the guards wouldn 't even know he was in the same room with then until it was too late ! Fredbear tended to play too , but he rarely played for kills . No , Darius just scared and terrified the guards with visions and hallucinations , which at times was more fun to watch than the killing . Either way , Anna always enjoyed watching all the children take their turns in the game . Of course , Annabella played too . But , her turns were more sporadic . It always depended on the music , at least that 's what they had all agreed on , that way she wasn 't killing everyone out there before anyone else got a chance . After the workers had cleaned up the old diner and turned it into a Pizzeria , they had researched the Marionette and found out about it giving out the prizes in the prize corner , as well as staying in a present shaped box . They had done well to recreate that ( they even let her do that job during the day , the Marionette giving out the prizes to the children ) and her Marionette during the night would stay in its comfy box , Anna listening to the music from the music box play . Not that her ghost didn 't wander unseen by the humans as the others played the game , but her marionette didn 't move with her during those times . Annabella roamed about , watching the others with a wide smirk on her face as they began surrounding the office . The man , their newest Night Watch , was doing well . Very surprising . But , in his trying to ward off the others , he had neglected the music box in the Prize Corner . She was thrilled to hear the music stop as the ghostly figures of she and some of the children , invisible to the man 's eyes , stood in the hallway just a little bit outside of the man 's office . His sister just gave a small laugh under her breath , " Almost . Don 't worry , I 'm sure you 'll get the next one . But now , it 's my turn . And I want to have a little fun . " Approaching and entering the office , she didn 't show herself the man at the moment , but did speak , her whispers reaching the man 's ears as she stood right next to him , bent to his level so he could hear her right in his ear , words spoken in a way that would make anyone 's heart stop , " I 've got no strings . . . " A hand ran icy chills over his arms , " . . . To hold me down . . . " She walked around the other side to whisper in the other ear , " . . . To make me fret . . . . . " An invisible hand brushed against his face as she spoke the next line , making him yell out and almost fall out of his seat , " . . . or make me frown . . . . " She gripped the back of his shirt ( though this took quite a bit of concentration on her part ) , tugging on it slightly , " . . . . I had strings , but now I 'm free . . . . " She moved away from him now , moving to stand at the front of his desk , enjoying watching the man tremble in fear , " . . . There are . . . " A hand slammed down on the desk , " . . . . . no strings . . . . " Finger nails dug into the desk , clawing the wood , making deep scratches in the surface , a dark grin on her face as she finally showed herself to the man , her pale eyes watching the panic on his face as the girl leaned forward , hands still digging into the desk , words whispered darkly in a way that drove terror into him , " . . . . . on me . " There were loud and pained screams as the Marionette jumped from the shadows of the halls , throwing the man down onto the tiles of the floor . It was . . . quite messy really . But , then again , when wasn 't it messy to stuff a body into a animatronic suit ? The Marionette did so with skillful practice , wires and beams stabbing into the man as he screamed his life away . He lasted longer than the others did when being thrown into one of those things . usually they would have lost conscious by now , but it wasn 't under they smashed his head into place that he gave out his last groan , pools of blood seeping from the suit as she stepped back to admire her work , a finger to her lips and giggling ever so softly , " Not often I get such a screamer . Or that I get to kill anyone at all really . That was quite enjoyable . " " Nice show , sis . " Jacob said , appearing next to his sister , bending down to look at the bloody mess , " You would think he would have listened to the warnings about the music box . But , oh well . He learned the consequence really quickly . Bet he won 't do it again . " He laughed and stood up straight , looking up at his sister , seeing her smirk lightly at his small joke . " Sure won 't do it again . In fact , pretty sure he won 't be doing anything again . " She turned and began walking back out of the office , speaking to all the others , " Anyway , now that our new friend is in his suit , I say we head back to our places . It 's almost six o ' clock . " And with that , the Marionette slowly stood up , under Anna 's control as it made its way back to its box , climbing inside and all ready for the new day . A new night . Xander sighed as he walked in through the entrance the next night promptly at eight , rubbing the back of his neck , decked out in his all purple ' head of security ' uniform . Kids were just now starting to leave for the night , the place closing down while the few workers stayed behind to finish up cleaning and other things . He had been called and told about the unfortunate death of the new Night Guard . Sad that the man hadn 't even lasted a whole night on his own . He was hopping to not have to train another guard so soon , but then again , what was he to expect ? Not many lasted long here anyway . Now he had to train yet again another guard . Fabulous . He himself was here a few minutes earlier than he was supposed to , just to make sure the office was clean like it was supposed to be ( after all , those cleaners sometimes missed some blood ) and that all the cameras were in working order . It didn 't take long to check those things though and when he had he moved back into the main show area , watching everything around him . By now , the animatronics on stage were being turned off and winding down . He himself walked over to the Prize corner , glaring the at the puppet when he was sure no one was looking , before he began to wind the music box on the counter . From his office he could so their his monitor as well , but he wanted to see that thing gone for now . He hated even looking at the thing . As the music began to play from the little box , the Marionette slunk back down into it 's box and Xander closed the top on it . Good riddance . He would have to make sure that thing stayed in there the rest of the night . With a nod , he hopped up to sit lazily on the counter of the prize corner , running a hand through his dark hair as he looked around , watching the others do their own jobs while he waited for this new guy to show up so he could get started on his , " Where is that guy ? He better not be late . " " Ease up , Xander and get the stick out of your ass . He 'll be here soon . Besides , like you have anything to complain about . At least you 're not the one stuck doing dishes after the kids leave . " Connie , the head cook at the pizzeria , commented as she walked around form table to table , picking up glasses and plates that had been left from the last show and sticking them in the buss bin she had at her hip . One would think that with how much money this place made they would be able to afford someone to wash the dishes and such , but no . Due to ' budget cuts ' she was stuck doing it after hours , which always left her in a foul mood . Well , more foul than she normally was anyway . " Like you do anything in that smelly ol ' office anyway . " She called out and before he could even reply she was making her way back into the kitchen with the dirty dishes to start washing them . She had been standing there for just a few minutes when the air in the kitchen began to feel cold and she shivered , drying her hands off and rubbing her arms as she called to the next room , " Hey , Arizona , if you have time , fix that stupid AC ! It 's on the bug again ! " She paused and added , " If you get it done tonight I 'll throw in a pizza and distract Xander so you can key his car ! " Sure , she know very well Xander was in the next room and could probably hear her , but did she really care ? Hell no , she could honestly care less about anyone in this smelly place . She was just here for the paycheck and benefits of scooping out the hot guys that worked there . She moved to sit on the counter of the kitchen , flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder , " Better let me know soon ! It 's ten thirty already ! We gotta be outta here by midnight ! " Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . 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After the death of Karen Marie , Hans bought the little Relief Society Hall in Mapleton , just west of the home belonging to his son Joseph and Harriet , and lived there for possibly 4 or 5 years . This building was formerly the meeting place for the Relief Society . As was common in that day , Relief Society was held in a separate building rather than the chapel ; many of these were built and paid for from the " dues " paid by members of the Relief Society ; this one was about a block east of the main Chapel and on the other side of the street and was probably built about 1890 . Following the death of Hans Peter , the home became the property of Joseph Jensen and was used for a residence for a few years and later for storage . This building is located today behind a newer home at 195 East Maple , in Mapleton . There have been attempts to preserve the building . The bricks have been cleaned and efforts have been made to stabilize the walls . The doorway and access have also been altered . The pathway through the grass to the front door of the Relief Society building was lined with purple flags ( Iris ) . The outside measurements are 15 x 20 ft . There was no running water inside so water had to he carried from a hydrant at the back of Hattie and Joe 's house . On the inside , a huge wardrobe stood against one wall at the back of the room . On the opposite side was his bed . The stove was a cook stove that was also used to heat the house . A cupboard , with glass in the doors on the top half to show off the nice dishes , stood in the corner . A table and a " Bishop 's couch " completed the furnishing . The couch had a wooden back and arms and a slat seat with a mattress on top to make it comfortable to sit on . A short distance behind the house was a granary , also made of brick , but a lighter color ; it had been used to store the grain kept by the Relief Society for an emergency . Until this building was built , the wheat was stored in the back of the Relief Society Room . Outside and a little north was the outhouse or " shanty , " with three holes for seats , each one sized appropriately for the different sizes of occupants . As a little girl , Marie remembers the " Leafy Society " ( Relief Society ) ladies meeting in this room or building . The Jensen girls , who lived just few steps east , were assigned to help clean . She remembers them singing the hymns with gusto even if some of their voices were a little " screechy . " Marie also remembers playing the pump organ there , powered by pumping the foot petals [ sic ] . Fern recalls , " After Grandpa moved into the Relief Society house there by us , we really got to know him . He was always an pleasant and " chuckled " over the things we did . He always sat with his back to the door , facing the warm stove , so we 'd sneak in the door and go over and grab him and scare him . We loved it as he 'd always act as if he were scared and grab us and give us a squeeze for being " naughty . " He loved smoked herring and other kinds of fish and the smell was always in the house . Any time I smell that good smell I am reminded of Grandpa and how he enjoyed the fish . " I remember him always being so neat and clean . He wore a full heard and kept it so clean and white . I remember how soft it always felt and his hands were soft too . As he got older , Mom would have one of us go get him or walk over to the house to stay for part of the day . We also took turns walking him to Church for each meeting , and were so proud to get to be the one to hold hands and walk with him . This is why his soft hands are so vivid in my memory . And he always thanked us for taking him as if we 'd done him such a great favor . " When he 'd come over to our house in the daytime , he had a favorite place to sit by the end of the stove , and lots of times he 'd lean on his cane and just watch the activity going on . He seemed to know that where he sat he was out of Mom 's way while she worked . And knowing our Mother , I 'm sure she kept a conversation going with him - - maybe encouraging him to tell about Denmark . Mother was so proud to tell us that Grandpa had said to her , " Your children honor me . " How I wish all this had been recorded . " He fixed his own breakfast , which was usually " fisk " ( fish ) - - which he bought in a keg and kept in some kind of a brine - and barley coffee . He ate his noon meal with us and had his " supper " at his place , usually bread and milk and smoked fish and sometimes some homemade " beer . " He liked " tin " ( thin ) , not " tick " ( thick ) soup and loved his homemade " beer " and " coffee " - - neither of which were in violation of his strict Mormon ethics . One of his favorite delicacies was fruit toast . During the summer , we gathered and dried berries . These were soaked and cooked with sweetening , then thickened and poured ever toast . ( Some years age this recipe was included in the Relief Society Magazine . ) Muriel also remembers living next door as a young girl , and gives us her perspective of Hans Peter Jensen . " I used to go over to Grandpa 's house and build fires for him in the mornings so that he wouldn 't have to get up in the cold . I would walk home with him at night when he left our house and I remember what soft hands he had as he held my hand . I would sleep on the couch and he must have waked me in the mornings , as I doubt I was an early riser . He always had the little kindling brought in . I would wad up some paper and put it in the stove and then add the kindling , followed by bigger pieces of wood , then lay the coal on top . He kept a gallon can of kerosene nearby and I would pour a liberal amount over the whole thing and then light a match to it . It would take right off and I would go back home as soon as I saw that the coal was burning . " Every Saturday , there was always a quarter on the table for me . I have wondered many times since how he could afford to give it to me as money was a very scarce item in those days . One day on my birthday , instead of a quarter , he left me a pretty strand of heads . I can only guess how he ever got those . He was such a kindly quiet man and I know our family all loved him . supper like bread and milk . On one occasion , He ran out of the beer , so Mother decided to make a batch for him . We had a big screen porch at the back of the house whore she washed and she had two number 3 tubs to rinse the clothes in . We used them to have our weekly bath in also . Well , she scrubbed one of them real clean and made the beer in that . She covered it with a cloth and left it to ferment or whatever it did . Clara and Len had wanted to go on a trip to California , so they brought Alice down for us to take care of while they were gone . She was just a little tyke , about 2 years old . She caught the whooping cough after Clara left so we just tended her as best we could . One day I happened to go out on the porch and there was Alice having the time of her life bathing in the tub of beer . I gathered her out - shoes , socks , clothes and all and called Mother . I was sure that she would be really sick , but it didn 't seem to make her any worse . Maybe she drank some and it pepped her up . I did tell Mather that she should measure the contents she bottled it . " We had a player piano at our home and happened to have the roll of " Midnight Fire Alarm , " which I used to love to hear , so I would play it often . Our sister - . in - law , Beth , had the sheet music of the same song . I learned to play it fairly well , but one day decided to put the roll on and played it while was playing with my own hands . The switch where you turned the roll off when it was finished was at the top where I had to put the sheet music . Well , I started to play - better than Mozart himself - and Grandpa heard me and came in the parlor to watch . Of course the darn thing ended , and I had nothing to do but reach up under the music and turn the player off . Grandpa always carried a cane and he shook that cane at me and stalked out of the room . " One day , three of the cousins , June Whiting Blanchard , her sister Beulah , and Fern Jensen , the youngest daughter of Joseph and Harriet , were playing together . As June remembers the experience , Harriet had just baked an apple pie and came out onto the porch where the girls were playing and handed it to Fern . Fern thought the pie was for three hungry girls , so she went to the kitchen and got three spoons and they enjoyed the pie . Harriet expected that Fern would understand that it was to be delivered to Grandpa in the little house next door . " " My Father Herman and his brother went out to the West Mountain and homesteaded a big farm out there . The first recollection I have of Grandpa and Grandma was when I was about 5 years old . ' There weren 't any phones so I don 't know how my brother and I knew that Grandma and Grandpa were coming , but we were waiting for them and finally saw the little black buggy coming a long way off and ran to meet them . Grandpa took me on his lap and let me drive the horse ; of course , we knew they had a sack of old fashioned candy for us . When they lived in Spanish Fork , we visited quite a lot . Grandmother always had a quilt on the frames to sew and us kids would have a playhouse under the quilt . When Grandma died , she had a quilt on that hadn 't been finished so Mother and some of the Aunts finished it before the funeral . At rest time , they put a pan of sweet beer on to heat and toasted bread on the back burner of the shiny black coal stove . And I had a bowl of hot bread and beer . " Veda Tweede Durfey , another of the grandchildren , adds , " We used to watch Grandpa drive up whether it was buggy or car . The day that I remember , particularly , they were in a buggy . I must have been about 9 or 10 and was attempting to do some ironing . Grandma asked me if I knew how to iron . I said nothing but went and asked mother what she meant . She always had a little bag of candy with her , so we were glad to have them visit us . One time they had purchased one of the first cars around and we went riding with them . Grandpa , never a good driver , did not see the train coming down the tracks and just about crossed in front of it . We were all pretty shaken up . Grandpa came to live with us for a time . We really enjoyed having him . I don 't think he was a burden to us . We missed him when he died . The family was grown and all of the children but Peter were married when they built the brick home in Spanish Fork . The original property was about 1 / 4 of the block . Directly behind the home were a washroom and the sheds and outbuildings , all linked together according to the Danish custom . There were some animals , principally some sheep and a cow . [ Note from Marcelaine : The first picture is from the history . There is a pickup truck in front , so I am guessing this is a fairly recent picture . The second picture shows the image from Google Maps . ] Upon moving back to Spanish Fork , Hans felt that this was a good time to retire . He carried a cane , which was supposed to be a more a symbol of the good life than to steady his walk . It was easy to get to Church ( it was just a short distance ) and they still had old friends there . He had Old Roany , a faithful roan horse , that they used when they went to Mapleton about once a week to see the family . Later he bought a Model " T " Ford and sold Old Roney to Joseph . He soon acquired a reputation as a very poor driver as he never slowed for corners . One time , he brought Aunt Lizzie 's daughter from Lake Shore where the Tweedes had moved to Mrs . Martin , a midwife , to have a baby . She thought it was a pretty wild ride . How long he owned the car is not known , but he didn 't have it after Grandma died . Some kids had stolen and wrecked it . The family was glad , as he was such a poor driver . Adjusting to the automobile from the horse and buggy was not an easy move for him . Muriel remembers , " When Grandpa and Grandma lived in Spanish Fork , I remember one Saturday when Dad took us ( Marie , Nelda , Fred , Fern , and me ) with him for a visit . Dad had a load of wheat to take to the mill to be ground into flour for our winter use . It took awhile to get the flour , so he let us all go to the picture show , " The Ten Commandments . " That was a very rare treat indeed . We went back up to Grandma 's after the show was over to go back home with him . When we got there , Grandma , who had such a cute little laugh , gave us all a hug . Whenever we were lucky enough to visit her , she always gave us a piece of hard tack candy from a pretty soup tureen that she kept full of candy . Since we seldom got any candy , it was always the high point of our visit . " Well , as it happened , she didn 't happen to have any candy that day . l was crushed to think that she didn 't have any . She said that she would fix us a piece of bread with syrup on it , which she did , but I wouldn 't eat mine . She asked Marie if I didn 't like it and that Marie said , ' She always eats it at home . ' But I still wouldn 't eat it as I was sulking and would rather go hungry . " Fern remembers going to the home as a small girl and having to take off her shoes when she entered the home . Water was carried into the home in a bucket equipped with a dipper , which also served as the drinking cup for the entire family . Fem also remembers their wooden shoes and liked putting them on and clomping around outside . There are a few brief references to a second wife for Hans Peter Jensen . Two Family Group records among the surviving papers of Marie Jensen Whiting , both dated April 1928 , show two marriages for Hans Peter in the Endowment House on 23 Nov 1874 : first to Karen Marie Nielsen and a second endowment and sealing to Ann Marie Jorgensen * . Ann Marie was a convert from the old Country ( Denmark ) . She died 7 Jan 1915 and was buried in the Spanish Fork City Cemetery on a lot owned by Hans Peter Jensen . Karen Marie and Hans were buried there later . A small flat stone engraved " Mother " lies in the grass next to two other stones marked only as " Menna " and " Louis . " Harriet Whiting Jensen stated , " Grandfather obeyed the law of polygamy as it was taught by the church leaders and believed that those who entered into it would receive a higher degree of Glory . Fern remembers a story supposedly told by her mother that she isn 't sure is true . As the story goes , when Grandpa Jensen was considering following the Prophet 's encouragement to take a second wife , he had a dream one night and dreamed he had tied two of his goats to the same post and that they constantly fought and jerked at the post to get away from each other . Even so , I guess Grandpa felt he had to obey the prophet and took the second wife . Karen Marie evidently cooked meals for Ann Marie , but wouldn 't wait on her . Ann Marie rarely entered into any of the family social life ; instead , she seemed confined to her small one room cabin , later referred to as the washroom , just behind the family home in Spanish Fork and straight out the back door . She lived here until she died . She was blind from a cancer on her face . Little else is known about her . Hans Peter Jensen served two missions for the Church to his native Denmark . Since his mother lived in Denmark until she was 90 , he saw her when he was on his first mission in 1900 . He was released early from his first mission , which was a concern to him as he would have preferred to finish his mission . This probably accounts for his serving a second mission , even though Karen was very sick when he left . This second time he had to come home because of poor health . We have several original documents from the Scandinavian Mission that show his service there . The first shows that he was released from service in the Aalborg Conference on March 5 , 1901 . His date of arrival is No journals or other personal notes of his mission are known to exist . Clare Jensen Arnett provides some notes and clippings that detail the early beginnings of the church in Denmark along with other happenings . The year of these notes , taken from the Diary of the Pioneers , is 1851 . Although missionary work in Denmark had begun years earlier , Hans Peter Jensen would likely have been subject to some of the same hostile treatment as other missionaries as indicated in the notes below . May - The Book of Morman was translated into the Danish language by Peter O . Hansen , and was published by Erastus Snow in Copenhagen , Denmark . It was the first edition of the book printed in a foreign language . The first number of the Eteile du Deseret , ( Star of Deseret ) a monthly periodical , was published in the interest of the Church by Elder John Taylor . August 21 - The saint 's [ sic ] assembly hall at Aalborg , Denmark , was demolished by a mob , which also mistreated some of the brethren . Aug 16 - The first General Conference in the Scandinavian Mission convened in Copenhagen , Denmark . Erastus Snow presided , continued fer three days . Oct . 24 - Elder Hans Peter Jensen ( not our grandfather ) and Hans Larsen received cruel treatment from a mob in Bornholm , Denmark for preaching the Gospel . A number of the Saints were cruelly treated by a mob in Brondbyoster , Sjaeiland , Denmark . A newspaper clipping , apparently from the Church News dates 1974 , June 16 , Copenhagen , Denmark - " The Copenhagen Denmark Stake , the first in that country was organized by President Ezra Taft Benson of the Council of the Twelve . Missionary work had begun in Copenhagen in 1850 , the first baptisms having taken place in Aug 12 of that year . The first branch was organized the following September , and over the next 80 years more than 26 , 000 people joined the Church in Denmark . " Clara also notes , " Grandpa 's favorite Apostle was Apostle Widsoe ( John A ) . How he loved to meet him as he could talk the Danish language with Hans . I often wondered why he was his favorite but after reading the " Gospel Net " by John A Widsoe , I know . Grandpa was on a Mission at the same time as Apostle Widsoe 's Mother and her sister and is in one of the missionary pictures with them . " This picture of the family of Hans Peter and Karen Marie Jensen , with Hans absent , was taken while he was serving a mission to his native Denmark . Front : Hans Peter , Karen Marie , Mary Eliza ( Lizzie ) , Allie Morris . Back : Neils Christian , Joseph , Erastus , Caroline Few people had the faith that Hans did . He was always helping with the sick . For example , Albert Milton Whiting , father of Harriet Jensen , had been ill all winter with heart trouble . One Sunday afternoon the family went over and knelt down while Grandpa Jensen offered a prayer . Grandpa Whiting began to improve and was able to go places until his death some months later . One night when he lived in Spanish Fork , he was coming from the barn after doing chores , and something said , " Go over to your neighbor and administer to her ; she is very ill . " He walked into the house and told his wife . She said if he were wanted , the neighbors would come after him . He kept thinking about it and finally put on his coat and left the house for the neighbor 's . As he entered the house , he could hear a woman crying as if she were in great pain . When she saw him she said , " Oh , brother Jensen , you have come to save my life . I have been praying that you would come . If you will administer to me , I will be healed . " He laid his hands on her head and pronounced the blessing . As he took his hands from her head , three gal stones [ sic ] passed from her and she got well . She said she was [ sic ] never been bothered after that . Another time , Hans felt impressed to go to Mendenhall 's ; he had been over earlier in the day assisting with a little sick daughter . About midnight , something awoke him and told him to go help , so he walked back over to Mendenhall 's , a distance of a mile . They had been praying that he would come . The young daughter , Helen , had been ill for some time . Grandpa gave her a blessing . No one could count the trips he made to Mendenhall 's when Helen had a ruptured appendix . Helen got well and went to school for a year before she died suddenly of a heart attack after being to Primary that day . Her funeral was on the lawn at Mendenhall 's and all the Primary children walked to the nearby cemetery after the hearse . Bruce Mendenhall shares the following about his Grandmother , Eliza Rebecca Tew Mendenhall . " Some time after I was born , Mother was very sick . Brother Hans Peter Jensen was sent for to help administer to her . He said , ' Sister Mendenhall , do you care if I speak in my own tongue ? " He was a returned missionary from Denmark . Mother said , ' No , not a bit . ' Brother Jensen gave her a wonderful blessing that was the turning point in her recovery . For Hans and Karen , the boat ride across the ocean was very difficult . Karen was ill all of the way . The passengers had to go onto the deck each day for fresh air , but she was too ill to walk , so Hans carried her . She was a small woman , not weighing much over 100 pounds . They had to bring their own food , as the fare was meager , and cooked it in groups , using old pots . Hans had a brother , Chris , who also came to Utah and lived in Springville . Chris was a tailor by trade . He was married to Rose Allred but later divorced . He had several children . Once Hans and Karen were located in Utah , he was proud of the fact that he had been able to come to Utah without depending on the Perpetual Emigration Fund set up by the LDS Church to help the Saints come to Utah . But they were very poor , as their money was almost gone . Their meat for the first winter was a cow head given to them by one of their neighbors . Karen said of the experience , " There 's much meat on them . " They lived in an old house of Bill Johnson 's in Spanish Fork . Hans made a bed and crossed ropes for springs . They had no chairs that first winter . They ate their meals standing at a window . It was a hard struggle to get along , but they managed somehow and also helped to take care of others who came from their homeland later . After living in town for a year of [ sic ] so , they moved to Lake Shore , just a few miles west of Spanish Fork . The land was flat there so the water was easy to get and they could have fish to eat from Their first home in Utah was an adobe house with a thatched roof made of cane . In the summer , they moved into the fields west of town where they stayed in a granary owned by Bill Johnson . He remembers how the roof leaked and the rain poured through . The river at that time ran through the Johnson Farm ; in one place the river had changed its course leaving a large area of very rich dirt , so they cleared out a large area of willows to give them extra space to plant potatoes ; the story was that the potatoes yielded 900 bushels to the acre . The first farmland Hans was able to buy was a piece in northeast Spanish Fork . There he built a three - room adobe house ( with a mud roof ) for his family . Uncle Hansen made the adobes . Taylor Larsen laid them together , and he ( Hans Peter ) did the carpenter work . Early maps of Spanish Fork City describe the northeast part of the city as " Little Denmark . " The various nationalities tended to live together and preserve some of their customs and language . After the four wards were made , this area was also known as the Fourth Ward . Since the soil in the area was mostly alkali and very poor for farming , he moved to Mapleton for better land . They bought land in Mapleton known as the part of the School Section , the west central part . This would have been after 1890 , as records show that all of their children were born in Spanish Fork , except Allie who was born in Mapleton . Their Mapleton home is located at present at 125 S . 1600 W . Here they raised their family . This house was built of nice red brick , had two stories , and was on approximately 10 acres . It had a parlor , a big dining room and living room , and a large kitchen , and two bedrooms upstairs . The home is located near the head of the Big Hollow , which is probably where they got their water , as there was a nice spring there . The stream of water running through this area was the location of early baptisms in Mapleton and served as a settlement for some of the Indians . The Big Hollow was a large grove of trees just west and north of the intersection of Maple Street and 1660 West ( Highway 89 ) . Maple Street continues on to the southwest to Spanish Fork . The Springville Evergreen Cemetery is just a little north . This home was later sold to son Pete and Ruby when Hans and Karen moved back to Spanish Fork . Stanley , a son of Peter Jensen and Ruby , now ( 2004 ) owns the home and has remodeled it . The original home has been covered with a white imitation brick veneer . Hans and his sons farmed about 40 acres . As was a custom in Denmark , they rose early and had breakfast . Then about 10 o ' clock , the mother took out something for them to eat and this happened again in mid - afternoon . The Denmark winters were very severe with deep snows . At the corner of the farms were very tall posts and on the post nearest the house , they would place a black flag as an appeal if there was illness or if they needed help . Their out buildings were connected together so that they could go from one building to another to take care of the animals without going out in the open weather . Hans built like this in Utah , his sheds attached together like they did in Denmark , but not connected with the house . The first building was a tool shed , then a granary , and last the chicken coop . The barn was on to the south . Hans was very fussy about everything and had a place for everything . By the tool shed was a large barrel where they put wood ashes and filled it with water . This mixture made the lye they used to wash with as well as their home - made soap . The grandchildren learned early that they didn 't put their fingers in it because it made your hands sore . They had a big iron kettle that was used to heat water in to wash . Their daughter Harriet helped make the soap as long as they lived in Mapleton . When they moved hack to Spanish Fork , Hans let Harriet have the kettle with the provision that she wasn 't to lend it . Hans was a carpenter and very handy with tools and made much of their furniture . He also made wooden shoes for the children until they were old enough to go to school . Joseph get his first store shoes when he was four . Before that , he wore his wooden shoes so he could go out in the snow if he wanted . Later , in the teen years , they wore their older wooden shoes on the way to dances and kept their nice new ones to wear at the dance , changing to their nice ones when they got there . Hans had a wooden bench that he sat on that held the piece of wood as he worked on it . His feet , pushing on a lever , provided the pressure to hold the work in the jaws above the bench while he worked the shoes or other project with his tools . The bench is much like what is known today as a shaving horse , a tool rarely seen today except in a museum . A history of Hans Peter , kept by his daughter in - law , Harriet Whiting Jensen , records that Hans Peter Jensen was born 20 June 1844 in Dronninglund , Hjorring , Denmark , son of Jens Peder Pedersen and Karen Hansen . His parents owned a farm and kept two horses , six cows , some young stock , sheep , and other farm animals . The wool from the sheep was used to make cloth for their clothing . They raised flax to make thread and factory - cloth for their underclothing . They had a building for each particular use , and these were connected together with arches or some kind of shelter because of the cold and deep snow that was sometimes six to seven feet deep . Their fuel was called tara . It was sort of a sod from marshy places where there had been a grove of trees at one time , and leaves had fallen and packed together . This formation was , sometimes , four feet deep . This was cut into squares and laid out to dry . When dried , tara looked like coal . Pieces of wood were often found buried in the debris . The girls used to wheel out the wet sod in wheelbarrows . Hans Peter 's second brother got the old home for he married a girl who had money and was able to pay each of the children his or her share so they could keep the home . According to custom , Hans Peter should have had it ( property was usually inherited by the oldest son who assumed the responsibility of caring for the parents ) , but he was poor and would have been unable to take care of his parents the rest of their lives . With the proceeds from his share on the home , he was able to buy a small home , which he sold later for enough money to come to Utah . At about twelve years of age , he came home from school very sick with a cold and fever . After a while he went back to school , but broke out all over with sores . Everyone said he couldn 't live , but his father used pine - tar inside and out until he became well . Sometime after , as he and his brother were coming from school , he was bitten on the leg by a poison snake . His father tied a string tightly around his leg . It swelled so badly that it burst full length . In less than two or three hours the poison ran out . It was more than a month before he could use his leg . Another time , he fell into a deep hole where men had been getting clay . The hole was nearly filled with water . He could not swim , but by an act of Providence , he was able to reach the side where the wagons had pulled out . He was married to Karen Marie Nielsen , Nov . 5 , 1869 . He met his wife when she was living in the city . They both worked at the same gore ( or home ) . They had been married nearly a year when he became interested in the Latter Day Saint 's Gospel , through a cousin , Chris Sorenson . He did very little preaching because he was afraid it would cause trouble with his wife ; however , it had impressed him , and he began to study the Bible for himself . His wife became very much afraid because her mother had told them that the Mormons were false prophets and they must beware of them . His father and family were very bitter when they heard he was investigating Mormonism . His wife went to them for aid and help in this trouble . His father had said the baptism , sprinkling , that he had received when he was a baby was all that was necessary . One time he dreamed that an old playmate came and wanted him to go to a meeting and listen to the Priest talk . This dream came true for his old playmate came and they went to the schoolhouse to hear the Priest . They were sitting near the front where they could see the door . As the minister was preaching of baptism , he said , " The children belong to the Devil until they are baptized , so do not hesitate very long before this ordinance is performed . " Grandfather ( Hans ) could see a man standing at the door who was dressed in a red suit of peculiar make and he knew him to be the Devil . He stood and laughed and scoffed as the Priest spoke of baptism . Hans could hear him plainly . After the meeting was over and they were returning home , he spoke to the others about it and was surprised that they hadn 't heard or seen anything . This to him was a real testimony that he was doing ríght by changing churches and that he needed another baptism . Not very long afterward , he and his wife were baptized . He said afterward that when his friends departed after the baptism , he had one half mile left to go alone , some of the way through a grove . He was so afraid that the devil might torment him some more . Karen was not so very sure that she should be baptized , but the Elders finally assured her that she was doing right so she went with her husband . They were baptized on the fifth of March , 1871 ; Chris Sorenson spent all day cutting the ice for it was more than two feet thick . When they went to the water ( about midnight ) , the ice had frozen over again . Her clothing was frozen before she could get to the house , a distance of about a block . They were confirmed by Peter Anderson and Lars C . Sorensen , respectively . They left Denmark to come to Utah , June 21 , 1871 , and landed in Salt Lake July 24th of that year . They came on to Spanish Fork and lived in town about a year . Then they rented a farm and moved down by the lake , where they lived for two years . Here two children were born and one died . Five days after the baby 's death , Hans was crossing the Spanish Fork River in a boat . An old rope used to pull them across the river broke , upsetting the boat , and he tumbled into the water . He always said he could not tell how he came to the other side for he couldn 't swim . They moved to Mapleton and bought a farm . On one occasion after they first moved , Hans was laying out in the wagon box , when a voice came to him from a heavenly being . The spirit was so strong that its influence stayed with him all night and the next day . The voice said , " We are satisfied with you and your family , but there is one person you must not keep company with . " It later proved that he was wise in getting away from this evil influence . Grandpa Jensen belonged to the Black Hawk War Veterans even though he never did participate in the war . Probably some of his Spanish Fork friends did as he used to go to their encampments . He was a High Priest in the Priesthood and was an active church member . He was an inspiration to his family . He was honest and upright in every respect , always trying to do right and having his children do likewise . He enjoyed seeing the young people dance . After the death of his wife he lived out by his son Joseph in Mapleton , about a block from the dance hall ; he often went down and watched the dancing though he was past 80 at the time . I have decided I am going to start looking for histories of my ancestors and share them on this blog so that they will be more readily available to any of their descendants who would like to read them . If there is anyone who has any of these histories ( or other documents with stories ) , I would love it if you would share them with me so I can make them available to our family here . Please feel free to share any of these posts with people who would be interested . I am starting with a history of Hans Peter Jensen and Karen Marie Nielsen . They are my great - great grandparents . I have a pdf copy ( sent to me by Sue Stevens ) that is readable , but the pictures are not great because , as she said , this is a scan of a copy of a copy of a copy . . . Sorry about that . Apparently the original is in the special collections section at the BYU library . If there is anyone in that area who would like to get scans of the original and send those to me so I can put better images here , that would be great . It is about 30 pages long , so I will be breaking it into parts . I assure you it was well worth the read for me ( or I would not be bothering to put all this effort into sharing it with you ) . The information presented here is a compilation of family records made available to James William Whiting by his Mother , Marie Jensen Whiting , and from correspondence and oral interviews with family members . These stories represent a collection of several documents written mostly by Harriet Lucinda Whiting Jensen ( wife of Joseph Jensen and the 4th child of Hans and Karen ) , and Harriet and Joseph 's daughters - Clara Jensen Arnett , Marie Jensen Whiting , Nelda J . Carlson , Muriel Jensen Cox , and Fern Jensen Butler . Additional sources are a letter written by Morris Bissell ( son of Caroline Jensen Bissell , the first child of Hans and Karen ) and the letters of Veda Tweede Durfey and Thelma Tweede Butler , daughters of Mary Eliza Jensen Tweede . It is hoped that other descendents [ sic ] , reading this account , will know of other stories and photographs available through their families and will be willing to add to this record . " The first company of this season 's emigration of Scandinavian Saints sailed from Copenhagen in the evening of June 23 , 1871 , bound for the land of Zion , on board the Steamship " Humber " in charge of President William W . Cluff . . . . The whole company consisted of 387 souls . After a successful voyage ; the " Humber " arrived safely in Hull , England , on June 26th , from which place the emigrants were conveyed by rail to Liverpool the following night . After arriving safely in Liverpool in the morning ( June 27th ) , the emigrants , 397 souls , including a Scotch family , embarked on the Steamer " Minnesota , " which sailed the following day ( June 28th ) with its precious cargo for New York , where it arrived 14 days later ( July 12th ) . From New York , the journey westward ( by rail ) was resumed on the 13th and the company arrived in Ogden , Utah , July 21st . Here the company was dissolved , some of the emigrants going north , many to Salt Lake City , and others farther south to other cities and towns . The journey from Copenhagen to Utah was made in four weeks . . . . " Two of the passengers on this voyage were Hans P . Jensen and Karen M . Jensen ( Source , Mormon Immigration Index ) . If the tossing and turning of the ocean for three weeks was not trying enough for two weary passengers and Karen Marie being pregnant , the trip from New York by railroad was not very comfortable either . The year was barely two years following the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad ( May 1869 ) . Although surely much easier than by oxcart or handcart , you can imagine this ride would not have been comfortable either . The fare in the summer of 1869 was $ 150 for first dass and $ 70 for immigrant . By June , 1870 from New York to San Francisco had dropped to $ 136 for first dass a , S100 for second class , and $ 65 for third class or immigrant . First Class meant a Pullman sleeping car but immigrants sat on a bench . We can only imagine which category Hans and Karen would be traveling . Recently my Aunt Sue sent me pdf files of some life histories , and it has been such a treat to read through them . I just finished reading the life history of Hans Peter Jensen and his wife Karen Marie Nielsen , who joined the church in Denmark and emigrated to the United States . They are my great - great grandparents . At the end of the history are transcriptions of their patriarchal blessings . One line in Karen Marie 's blessing stuck out to me : " for thou wast called and chosen of the Lord to come forth in this dispensation to assist in bringing forth a righteous Branch to the Lord . And thy Posterity shall be numerous upon the earth . and they shall enjoy all the blessings of the new and everlasting covenant . and shall become a mighty people in the midst of Zion . " I thought it was pretty amazing to read that part after reading about her life . Except for one of Hans Peter 's cousins , it sounds like the rest of their family did not join the church , so when they joined the church and then left all of their family to be with the Saints in Utah , they really were starting a new righteous branch and being grafted into a different tree . I 'm sure by now they have hundreds of descendants who have been blessed because of them . I feel very inspired by their examples of faithfulness . It motivates me to live in such a way that I can see them one day and feel that I have been a source of credit and joy to them . |
went to the store and bought brand new boots " Awh - Haaa ! " Grace 's five - year - old daughter Glory joined in . Unconsciously , the other two women started to hum along while they looked at their hand . About the second " Awh - Haaa ! " Vera abruptly stopped humming and looked at her sisters with a raised eyebrow . Something was fishy ; Momma was much too happy . Barely containing their amusement , they watched as she cheerfully arranged her cards . Finally , unable to suppress her laughter any longer , Vera jumped up , snatched the cards out of her mothers hands , and fanned them face - up across the table . The fun escalated as Vera rushed around the table and ran her hands all around her mother and the chair she sat on to feel for extra cards . " Stand up ! " Grace and her sisters said as they pulled their mother to her feet . They shook her blue calico dress and screamed with laughter as extra cards fell from every fold . " Glory , " Vera told her young niece , " crawl under the table and get those cards for your Auntie Vera , okay ? " Grace moved her feet to the side so that Glory could scramble under the table . Her childish giggles danced around the women 's feet as she scrambled for the extra cards that dropped from her grandmother 's dress . " Yeah , Pauline , chimed in , the next time you 'll play in nothing but your lace step - ins and a bra made from two tortillas . " " Well , at least I 'll be the coolest one at the table , " Momma chirped . Vera reached across the table to gather all the cards and reshuffle them . " We 're going to start all over , and we 'll watch you every minute . " Grace felt a sharp pain in her stomach when she looked up and saw her husband 's scowling face through the screen door . Why was he home so early ? She didn 't have to look at him again to know his normally handsome blond features smoldered with disgust . Dwayne hated for Grace to have her family over . There would be trouble once her family left , since the room was heavy with the smell of pinto beans and tortillas . When they visited it was bad enough . It irked Dwayne even more when her dark - skinned family stayed for meals . " Gawd almighty ! " Grace had mimicked earlier in Dwayne 's high twangy voice to her sisters , " A Texan breakin ' bread with tacos ! What will folks be thinkin ? " Grace said a quick goodbye to her mother and sisters and moved away from the narrow doorway as the women filed past Dwayne . She held her breath as Pauline and Vera passed the loathsome soldier . She never knew what her sisters might say . All she could count on was that her mother would deliberately say something sweet to him . Always gracious , she wasn 't one to pick a fight . When Grace 's mother stepped onto the porch she leisurely adjusted the plastic tortoise shell combs that held her long , dark hair in a bun . Then she fished her clip earrings that matched her outfit out of her dress pocket and put them back on her ears . Grace gasped when she saw her mother nonchalantly slip another extra card that was also in her pocket into her purse before she stepped onto the sidewalk . Pauline was next in line . " Dwayne , this heat 's too much for you , it 's over a hundred today , you 'd better take it easy , " she cautioned . The sound of her high heels click - click - clicked on the shiny kitchen floor and made Dwayne cringe . From the beginning of her marriage to Dwayne , Grace had been caught in the ferocious sandstorm that swirled around him and her sisters whenever they were together . Raised on a cattle ranch where his father 's booze bottles almost outnumbered the cattle , Dwayne didn 't know what to think of Pauline 's high - heeled shoes and frilly clothes . He just knew he didn 't like them . For her part , Pauline never considered making any changes to accommodate the manipulative soldier her sister had married . Dwayne clinched his jaw and refused to let himself look down at Pauline 's high heels as she passed him , but she knew that he knew that she wore them . Always playful , she did a quickstep on her way to the door . The ruffles on her colorful full skirt moved to the music her heels made as she walked . Before she passed Dwayne , she adjusted her peasant style blouse with the elastic around the top to make sure her bosom wasnt exposed . It was a subtle movement ; only Grace noticed it . Pauline lingered in the doorway as she said goodbye to Grace , then glided out the door and tossed her long , wavy black hair . The movement jangled her large , golden earrings as she crossed the threshold . " Adios , Muchacho ! " she called to Dwayne , as she gave him a backward wave . Grace 's eyes flew to Dwayne to see if he noticed that her middle finger stayed up longer than the others . He didn 't . He was already looking at Vera . " You look like hell , " Vera said as she passed a sweaty and wrinkled Dwayne , " and you could use a shower . Phew ! " she added as she marched out the door . Grace saw her mother give Vera a sharp look when she got to the porch , but her oldest daughter just shrugged her chubby shoulders , as if to say it was the best she could do . This cowboy had used up all of his good graces with her . Grace wasn 't surprised that Dwayne had remained quiet while her family left . She imagined that he had plenty to say ; he just didn 't dare say it . Not with these women , who weren 't as meek as she was . She couldn 't tell which woman he feared the most : the mother , quiet but cunning ; Vera , outspoken , tough , and fearless ; or Pauline , who could cut a man to ribbons with her tongue and flirt with him at the same time . As Vera reached the sidewalk at the bottom of the porch stairs , Pauline broke into a sprint ahead of her across the yard to Vera 's car and jumped into the back seat , still giggling . Pauline had given her first gringo salute when she held up her finger to Dwayne , and she was tickled with herself . Even her mothers look of disapproval couldn 't dampen her glee . When Gregoria opened the car door on the passenger side to get into the front , Pauline buried her face between her legs in her ruffled skirt , to muffle her laughter . Vera opened the door on the driver 's side and stopped outside the car to light a Kool and let some of the hot air out of the car before she got in . She waved a final goodbye to Grace just before she slid behind the wheel and started the old blue Cadillac . Grace 's heart ached when she saw Vera 's car move out of the parking lot . To avoid raising dust in the neighborhood , Vera drove so slowly that Grace thought about grabbing Glory and making a run for the car . But if she left now , it could make Dwayne mad enough to file custody papers for their daughter . She could leave her marriage anytime . The trick would be leaving with Glory . Vera headed the old Cadillac for the highway and blew her cigarette smoke out the window as Gregoria halfheartedly said , " Vera , you must show respect to the men in the family , the way we did to Poppa . " " When he acts like Poppa did , I 'll show respect , Vera answered . Did you see how mad he was ? He just can 't stand to see us have a good time . I 'd like to see our baby sister dump that pain - in - the - ass sourpuss . He 'll never treat her right . " " Ayyy , Vera , by the time Gracie met Dwayne , Poppa was already sick . He couldn 't stop Dwayne , and you girls were off with your new husbands , " Momma groaned . Dwayne made your Poppa so miserable . Juan worked so hard to fit in here , and Dwayne did everything he could to make him feel like he didn 't belong . He always refused to believe your father had a college degree in engineering from the University of Mexico . He treated him like he was nothing but a cotton - picker . Your poppa only picked cotton when it was the Depression , and he needed to put food on the table . " Momma dabbed at her eyes . The women nodded their heads in agreement , as if they 'd never heard the stories before . " Yeah , I remember that gun he used to carry for rattlesnakes in the fields , Pauline jumped in . Poppa was a perfect shot . BAM ! Those snakes were dead as sticks . " " Pauline , you don 't really believe that ? " Vera laughed as she looked at her sister in the rearview mirror . Poppa couldn 't hit the broad side of a barn with that old gun . It was loaded with snake shot . He couldn 't miss because the pellets sprayed everywhere . That 's why he always told us to stand way back . " " Really ? " Pauline asked . I thought it was so we wouldn 't get snake blood all over us . " Just before they dropped Pauline off at her tiny garage apartment , Vera asked , " Sis , do you and Boyd want to come over and listen to my new records tonight ? Ive got all the new ones , even Nat King Cole . " " Come without him . Benny is going to show us how to samba . You can come as you are , no one else will be there . I want to learn a new dance before Rudolf takes me to the officer 's club Saturday night . " Pauline was obviously uneasy , but with Momma in the car , Vera could 't dig any deeper . Besides , if her sister were having trouble with Boyd , she 'd handle it . Pauline was tough . Grace was the sister Vera was worried about . Her little sister was in over her head and too stubborn to admit it . Momma 's favorite , Grace had been kept so close to home that she 'd never had any experience with men when she was growing up . At the time , Dwayne must have looked good to her naive sister . Anyone else with more savvy would have thrown him head first into a creek and never looked back . " Maybe . Will Grace come ? " Pauline pouted , as she sank further into the back seat , her mind still on Grace 's cranky husband . " I asked her and she said she 'd ask Dwayne , " Vera answered . But you know Dwayne doesn 't like us or our music , and he has never been a dancer . He doesn 't even two - step to that country music he loves to torture us with . Her mother and sisters gone , Grace braced herself for the latest tirade from Dwayne as she started dinner . She didn 't have to wait long . Dwayne stood behind Grace and ranted at her as she breaded perch with a combination of flour and cornmeal . When she moved back and forth from the countertop by the sink to the stove , he followed her so she wouldn 't miss a word . " The fish you caught look good , Dwayne , " Grace chatted as she tried to soften his anger . It was an honest compliment . Dwayne had a lot of faults , but he was one heck of a fisherman . The day before , he 'd gone fishing on the way home from work and had caught a whole stringer full of perch before it started to get dark . They didn 't eat them that night because Grace already had dinner on the table when he got home . Dwayne was only briefly pleased at the compliment . Soon he was back to running down Grace 's family as she peeled potatoes to fry in one of her big wrought iron skillets . " Why the hell cant ' you keep your family out of here ? " Dwayne yelled as he jerked his fatigue hat off his head and threw it across the room . " What if I 'd brought one of the officers from the battalion home ? Do you think one of them would want to see a bunch of women sittin around playin ' cards and gibberin ' in Spanish the minute he walked through the door ? " " I 'm sorry , Dwayne , I never thought you 'd be home so early . " Grace 's lower lip quivered , and her words tumbled out on top of each other like potatoes that rolled out of an overturned sack . " But we weren 't speaking Spanish , Dwayne , we werent ! " Grace hustled around the kitchen to get Dwayne a goblet of iced tea . She desperately wanted to go to Vera 's . Not only would it be fun but it would also keep Dwayne away from her for the evening . She knew she didn 't dare ask to go until he was in a better mood . " It 's a good thing you pepper - bellies just eat beans . Otherwise , Id be in the poor house , he sneered as he lit a Camel . " It wasn 't just the food . Dwayne even resented her mother and sisters when they brought the food with them . He never hid the fact that he felt her family wasn 't worth his time . Only Rudolf , Vera 's husband who was an Army colonel , ever got more than a few grunts from him . " I 'm sorry , Dwayne . It 's just that they were here all day , and we got so hungry , and Glory had to eat something . I just warmed up some leftover beans and Momma made a few tortillas . It was nothing fancy . " " It 's a dog - eat - dog world , Grace . " Dwayne lit another cigarette from what was left of the last one . " And we 're not rich . We 've got to spend our time and money on the people who can do us some good . " Dwayne finished his iced tea and left the glass on the table , where a puddle of condensation formed at its base and crept like a bleeding wound across the old table with the red , marbleized plastic top . The pattern of the moisture disturbed Grace and she hurried to wipe it up . " Okay . Vera invited us over tonight . Everybody will be there . Benny 's going to be there to show Vera how to samba , and I haven 't seen him for awhile . But , if you don 't want to go , I 'll call and say were staying home . " " We were invited to Vera 's ? Is Rudolf going to be there ? " When Grace nodded yes , she noticed his interest perked up . " Call them , he urged , tell them well be over as soon as we eat . In this man 's Army , it could come in real handy to be on good terms with a colonel . " On his way down the hall to change out of his uniform , he said loudly over his shoulder so Grace could hear , " And I 've got a business idea to talk over with your mother . " Grace , who was at the stove serving the fish and fried potatoes on plates , rolled her eyes . Just what made him think her mother would be interested in one of his screwy business plans ? Grace went to the bathroom and stood outside the door . " There 's no need to call her . She said to come if we could , " Grace explained . " I think she 's just serving drinks and that cocktail cereal - mix she makes up in the oven . It 'll be an early night since everyone has to work tomorrow . " He drove down the dusty road that ran along his property and got angrier at each passed fence post . The fence was still in the same sorry shape it was when he was there last . Posts leaned every which way , and barbed wire lay on the ground in a lot of places . Before he ever got to the ranch , he had to stop his car and shoo five of his own cows off the road . " Where the hell is that foreman of mine ? " he cursed . He only had a few days to help him get things in order before he had to go back to the post . Back in his car , he raced up the road to Cord 's shack , ready to read him the riot act , only to find he wasn 't there , either . " I 'll just have to get a rope and pull the damn cows back over the fence myself , " he muttered . Dwayne tried the doorknob on the tool shed and let out a yell . " The son - of - a - bitchin ' door is locked ! " he kicked the shed until the boards cracked . " Cows roamin ' all over the place , lucky they weren 't run over , and the son - of - a - bitchin ' shed that holds a two - dollar rope is locked up tight . " Dwayne all but frothed at the mouth . He hollered and swore in every direction , " God damn it to hell . " As he yelled , the cows moved in on him , mooing with every step . It was certain Cord hadn 't gotten around to feeding them yet , and they were looking for dinner . " Damn cows would 've starved to death , " Dwayne shouted into the sky , " if I hadn 't showed up . " Dwayne stood and beat his fists on the hood of his car out of pure frustration and anger . The cows seemed to take his pounding as some kind of dinner bell ; they moved closer and closer until their wet , slimy noses pushed against him . Totally frustrated , he broke down the door , grabbed a bag of feed and a rope , and went to work . As he pulled each loose cow back over the downed fence , each one broke into a trot and headed for the feed bin . " Damn almighty ! " he yelled after them . " You can walk over a broken fence to get out , but you need help to get back in over the same damn broken fence ? " he couldn 't decide if they were ornery or just plain stupid . Maybe a lot of both . And where was that useless foreman he 'd hired ? Dwayne looked around at the tractors and bulldozers he 'd borrowed from Aunt Bett so that Cord could dig a pond for the cows . Far as Dwayne could tell , they 'd never even been moved since he brought them over . Well , Cord would have to explain to Aunt Bett why the machinery was starting to rust . Damn . She was gonna be mad , and he couldn 't blame her . Not one bit . With the cows fed , Dwayne began work on the fence , but it was really a two - man job , and it was hot , so Dwayne decided to wait for Cord in his shack . Another burst of anger erupted from Dwayne when he tried to turn the doorknob . It , too , was locked . He peeked in the window and swore again when he saw the floor , littered with empty beer bottles , crumpled cigarette packages , and other assorted garbage . Just then , he saw a green pickup pulling a trail of lazy dust behind it , headed his way . He watched it as it leisurely made its way down the road , like a cow walking away when the feed bin was empty . He was more than annoyed that Cord didn 't even speed up when he saw Dwayne 's car parked in front of his place . Dwayne crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the fender of his Ford and waited impatiently for his foreman to drive up . His narrowed eyes seethed with disgust as he smoked his Camel and stared bullets through Cord 's windshield . He expected that Cord would be ashamed of himself , like a little boy who got caught when he skipped school . He wanted to see fear in Cord 's apologetic eyes . But to Dwayne 's surprise , Cord jumped out of his truck and verbally attacked Dwayne . " Why didn 't you call and tell me you were coming ? " He knew he was caught with his pants down and didn 't like it one bit . Surprised , Dwayne fell back against his car . When he recovered he threw his cigarette to the ground , clenched his fists by his sides and shot back , " What do you mean , ' let you know I was coming , ' you son - of - a - bitch ? This is my ranch and I can come any damn time I want to , by God . " Dwayne was angry , but he didn 't want to actually fight Cord , and he was relieved when he saw his Aunt Bett as she drove her John Deere tractor toward them down the road . What was that thing that hung over her head ? At closer look , Dwayne saw that she had duct - taped a big pink umbrella to her tractor . No one bothered to try to talk until she parked the big machine and shut off the engine that roared like the mechanical king of the fields that it was . Dwayne lifted her tiny body down from the high seat . " Aunt Bett , what are you doing out in this heat in an open tractor ? " Dwayne said as he lifted her down and hugged her at the same time . " Have to drive the tractor . They took away my driver 's license after they tricked me into taking that eye test . " She followed his gaze to the umbrella and explained , " The umbrella helps a little . Besides , got to keep my face from wrinklin . " " Your face looks fine to me , Aunt Bett . You should stay in out of this heat , though . " " Would 've , ' ceptin I saw you drive by . Whyn 't ya stop ? Could 've cooled ya off with something cold to drink . " Dwayne didn 't bother to answer , he just turned and stared at Cord . A long , hateful stare hung in the hot air until Aunt Bett broke the silence , " No matter , y ' all come over ta my house . I 'll cool you both off with some iced tea and black boy cake . " " You still bakin , Aunt Bett ? " Dwayne asked as he headed to his car . Midstep he turned around and added , " You ride with me ; we 'll fetch your tractor when it cools off some . " When Aunt Bett pulled the car door shut , she turned to Dwayne and laughed , " No , I don 't bake no more . Haven 't for years . Not since I put a batch of strawberry jam on the stove to can , and took a nap . Boy , " she laughed , " I had myself a mess then . There 's still jam on the kitchen ceiling ; don 't have any way to get it off . But gettin ' back to the cake , those bratty girls of your brothers bring me something right regular nowadays , always tryin to sweeten me up so I 'll give them a piece or two of my antique furniture . I never do , of course . The minute I start giving away stuff , they 'll never go home and I won 't never get no peace . " " Better watch those spoiled nieces of mine , Aunt . They 're used to gettin ' their way . Don 't know for sure if anyone 's ever told them no . And I ain 't never heard of them liftin ' a finger around any of my brothers ' ranches , have you ? " " No . Can 't say as I have . Don 't know as how they 'd work in them fancy clothes they got , anyway . I don 't even think they really cook all that stuff they bring me , either . I 'm bettin ' their moms are abakin ' it for them . " I just can 't figure out why they built those big new houses , now they want to go fill em up with old furniture . No offense . " " None taken . I told them that all that stuff was so old it came over in a covered - wagon . " Before they went into the house , Cord slowed his car down and yelled out his window , " I 'm gonna grab some beers . Be back soon . " Off he went in a cloud of thirsty dust . Dwayne went into the kitchen and sat in one of Aunt Betts two kitchen chairs . After she poured the iced tea and put a bowl of fresh strawberries on the table , she moved the extra chair next to the wall and brought out an old wooden pear crate to sit on . Aunt Bett never sat on any regular seat that wasn 't painted John Deere green ; she 'd had back trouble for years . When Dwayne looked at the empty chair his aunt had moved out of the way Aunt Bett cautiously said , " Most likely , Cord won 't be back tonight . He 's got lots of friends at the tavern . " Dwayne gulped his iced tea . It had a distinct flavor of East Texas well water , like a combination of rust and oil . He tried to make Aunt Bett think he didn 't care where Cord was by announcing , " Long as he 's there at sun - up tomorrow , ready to work . " Aunt Bett got real quiet and looked down at the sugar crystals that were spilled on the table when Dwayne had sugared his iced tea . She moved them around with the tip of her finger from one spot to another , carefully avoiding Dwayne 's eyes . Dwayne got the idea that the chances that Cord would be up bright and early tomorrow and ready to work weren 't very good , either . " Fine . They 're getting ready to move back to town when I leave . " Dwayne knew Aunt Bett wasn 't really interested in Grace and Gloria , so he didn 't say any more . He wanted to tell her he was leaving Grace , but he just didn 't know how . Besides , he really wasn 't ready to get into an I - told - you - so conversation . " How was the trip ? " Aunt Bett and Dwayne talked half the night and Dwayne finally bunked on Aunt Bett 's couch that was about two feet shorter than Dwayne . Before he went to sleep , he looked over the furniture that his nieces wanted so bad . Just looked like old junk to him . That old pie safe , for instance . With its pine construction and punched tin doors , it was about as useful as a light bulb on a bale of hay . To his way of thinkin ' , anyway . And that ugly old oak china cabinet must be over a hundred years old . Who in their right mind would want that ? Now , that bed of Aunt Betts was special and probably worth quite a bit . Its headboard almost touched the ceiling , and it was heavily carved out of solid black walnut . Dwayne had always wondered about that bed . Must have come through Aunt Bett 's side of the family . No Tyler that Dwayne ever heard of had furniture like that . Aunt Bett was originally from New Orleans . ' Course that was years ago . Maybe that bed had come out of a southern mansion somewhere . Before the sun was up the next morning , Aunt Bett banged around the kitchen and boiled coffee in an old tin pot while she fried eggs in her favorite wrought iron skillet . The smell of the fresh eggs mingled with the spicy aroma of the home - cured , thick - sliced bacon and slowed Dwayne down for over an hour . After he ate , he helped his aunt clean up the kitchen and wiped up some of the jam on the ceiling , left from her last canning adventure . The ceiling was , after all , just inches above his head . It was easy for him to wipe a soapy rag over the dried jam . " I never can use them all . I just beg everyone who comes to my door to take a bagful home with ' em . There 's paper sacks by the door if you want some . " " Might take some to Glory . Not much else to take her from around here . " " Help yourself . They taste real good in cookies , but they 're such a pain to crack . Ya gotta really want ' em . Some fella stopped by the other day and offered to buy the tree from me . The whole tree . Said it wasn 't worth much , but he thought maybe he could sell it for a few bucks to the lumber companies . " " I run him off , like I did that joker who wanted to buy my land for hardly no money just so he could build a lot of cheap stick houses on it . Imagine : land I 've spent my whole life buildin ' up the topsoil on and he wants to cover it up with asphalt . Thought I 'd have to get the shotgun after him just to get him off my property . Then he said he understood I needed time to think it over , and he 'd be back . The nerve . " " There 's never any time . They hit the door so quick , and then theyre gone quicker than water in a well . I never even have time to load my shotgun . I 'd get me a mean ole dog , but he 'd probably crap on my strawberries and I 'd get so darned mad I 'd end up shootin ' him . " " Well , a dog probably isn 't a good idea . He might knock you down and make you break a hip or something . You don 't need that . " Dwayne gave his aunt a quick hug before he went out the door . " Better go start that fence . First , I have to go into town and buy some more posts and wire . Good thing I cashed a check before I left . I can 't find my savings book anywhere . Must have left it at a truck stop on the highway . " " Come back for supper tonight . I figure I can git a meal cooked as long as I stay awake and in the kitchen . I 'll bring you men some sandwiches and lemonade at noon . " " Thanks , Aunt Bett . " As Dwayne left the kitchen , his aunt was beginning to knock the fat off a piece of smoked ham with an old butcher knife before she put it in a pot with some fresh black - eyed peas . He knew she 'd make some corn bread later to go with them . Always did . The heat built up right fast , and when Dwayne stepped off the porch , he decided he 'd just leave that tractor of Aunt Betts where it was . He and Cord would just drive over to her house for lunch . No use in her getting out and maybe getting heatstroke . He felt a pain in his chest every time he thought that something might happen to his aunt . After he 'd lost his parents , one to an accident and the other to the mental hospital , he and his brothers and sisters had been homeless . The girls found a home right away with his mother 's sisters . Aunt Bett had taken in the boys when no one else wanted them . She 'd been good to them , too . But one night , in a fit of anger because Aunt Bett yelled at him for not feeding the pigs when he was supposed to , he 'd run away to Fort Worth to join the Army . He was only fourteen , but he was big and strong for his age . At six feet tall , no one ever questioned him when he said he was eighteen . He always did regret that he 'd left Aunt Bett . Soon after that , her husband died , and the rest of the boys left to join the Army too . Guess they were all anxious to be on their own . Dwayne would have never left if he 'd known his brothers were going to leave and she was going to be left all alone . The fact that , as good as she was to Dwayne , she 'd never accepted his Mexican wife and child hadn 't changed his feelings toward her none . Folks were just like that around here . " If only I 'd never left , " Dwayne said softly to himself over and over . " I 'd have my ranch right down the road from Aunt Bett , a normal family , and everything would be okay . " Thinking about his aunt made the short car ride to Cord 's shack even shorter . Before he knew it , he was in front of the out - building he let Cord live in . He 'd been so deep in thought about his childhood that he didn 't notice until he was out of the car that Cord 's truck wasn 't there . " Damn . That good - for - nothing bastard knows we have to start work so I can get back to Fort Sill . Where the hell can he be ? " Dwayne didn 't know where Cord was , but he had a pretty good idea what he 'd been doing . Cord was always popular with the local girls . Anger mixed with jealousy . Dwayne was about ready to go into town alone and get the fence supplies when he saw Cord 's pickup as it sped down the road , dust flying everywhere . " Damn , you 're gonna scare the cows to death , " Dwayne said to Cord when he drove up . " Naw , they 're used to me , " Cord grinned . " Ready to go ? Let 's take my pickup . " Dwayne climbed onto the high seat of the pickup and slid his feet around so the empty beer bottles wouldn 't be underfoot . The empties rolled back and nestled around his feet like eggs around a hen . " Damn almighty , did you drink all this beer yourself ? " In his first attempt , he throws Glory to the snakes , but a giant alligator snapping turtle scares the snakes away . ) Glory writes in her diary : Well , Pete drove us home to talk to Mom , but we didn 't get very far . Mom thinks I just have a wild imagination . At least Pete believes me . I think it was the turtle that killed it for Mom . She listened real good until we got to that part . My mom hears so much hooey from her brother Ben that she has little patience for tall stories . She looked at Pete and her expression said that what she had here was just another man full of hot air . And , for some reason , it made her real mad . Like she 'd hoped he was going to be different . " How could there be a turtle that big ? " she scoffed . They talked some more and Pete got kind of mad and got up to leave . This was one of those times when a kid thinks they 're talking about a turtle , but the grown - ups are really talking about something else entirely . In this case , I think Pete was accusing Mom of still loving my dad , but he never said that , he just kept talking about the turtle . Mom was doing the same thing : talking about the turtle but meaning that she didn 't want to get messed up with some guy who was a pathologgy liar . Whatever that is . Or maybe she thought Pete was too full of wild ideas , just like Dad used to be . At least I think that was what was going on , I wasn 't sure , and I didn 't dare ask , because I 'd never heard the chickens cluck over here , and I didn 't want to start now . - 0 - |
WARNING : Some of the photos posted on this page may be hard for people to seeWithin days of posting my photo and message on Facebook , I had hundreds of people messaging me with their own similar stories . I felt like so many of us go through hard times in life , but we don 't always have people to talk to . I want everyone to know that they are not alone ! If you want to comment on my stories , please do , but please keep them kind . If you want to share your story , please visit the page below for details , thanks ! Lately I have been having a hard time with the idea of the world forgetting about my boys . I don 't fault anybody for doing so - people have their own lives and their own children and the world moves on . But for me , their loss is so real . I am healing and moving on , but they are still part of me . The memories are so real . I still remember feeling their kicks inside of me . I remember holding their tiny bodies and singing to them while they passed away . I remember praying and wishing that they could stay . I look at their picture every day and miss them . I try not to dwell on the what might have beens , but in the back of my mind I know that had they been born on their due date they would be just over six months right now . I would have two crawling boys making messes in my house and keeping me up at night . Instead , I sit home alone every day while my other son is in school , and I feel the emptiness of a life that is missing those two boys . It still hurts . Not in the same way as it did at first , but sometimes it hurts deeper now since I have so much time to sit in the quiet of their absence . As we are struggling with fertility treatments and hoping to get pregnant again , it makes it even more real that they are not here . Sometimes I feel like I am carrying the weight of their memory on my shoulders . I want to scream at the top of my lungs , " They lived ! They were here ! " They may not have been here for long , but they are still my sons . I love them and I miss them , and they weren 't just a sad thing that happened to me . I can never forget about them . I have three children , and I love them all . I know that as time goes on , the rest of the world will forget that I have twin boys up in Heaven waiting for me , and I am going to have to find peace with that . But Chase and Cooper will never be forgotten in our home , and they are forever part of our family . was my first pregnancy . During my pregnancy I had spotting but was told not to worry about it but if I was worried I could come in to get checked , so I did that for at least up to 16 weeks . At 22 weeks I began experiencing some pressure and got check and was told the mucus plug was still intact but if I see sign of bright red clotting than get to the ER . That day I went to lay down and when I got up had the sign that the doctor told me to be aware and went to the ER . Got to the ER and trying to get out of the car my water broke . I got checked in and they were waiting for my regular doctor to see if they could do a rescue cerclage , but I was far too dilated and she was breech when I delivered her at 22 weeks and she with my google but for some reason it would not let me so I went this route . I would love to share my story that no matter what , at least to me , getting pregnant means a human child / being that should live unless something happens that God feels the child / ren should not be here with us . I think of my daughter , Nadine , every day and wish she was here . Again , thank you for sharing your story . You had said , " I just want people to know that there are other options out there and there 's a place to share their grief . It 's okay to talk about it . People With you saying this means so much . At first I was able to talk about Nadine , but to show her on a " social site " - I just couldn 't bring myself to do it until this year when I posted pictures of my daughter , Nadine , on my Facebook page . I felt it was time for me to share my story / pictures of Nadine . So are some pictures of my daughter Nadine Nicole . I don 't know how to crop so if you feel you need to you have my permission to do so . The hospital I was at would give the mother a keepsake box with pictures and " I lost baby Adrian at 14 weeks Feb 1 , 2015 . I started bleeding on super bowl Sunday . The bleeding got worse then what I thought was a clot was my baby . I held in my hand a fully formed baby with all his tiny fingers and toes . I was in complete shock so I called for my husband from the bathroom he took me to the hospital . I had to have two units I had a D & C for my placenta , and I went home that night feeling empty and in shock . I felt guilty . What if it was something I did ? I had taken no pictures . I never had an ultrasound and never heard a heartbeat so I had nothing to remember him . That 's when my husband suggested we name our baby . We picked a unisex name : Adrian Glen Castro . I looked up online and found out that we could have our baby buried or cremated , and that gave me something to cling to so I 'd have something to remember , so we called and arranged it . My husband went to sign papers at the hospital . I was still on high iron pills and resting , but thankfully the nurses took pictures , footprints and hand prints for us and also told us it was a boy . I cried - I was so happy to have something of baby Adrian . Then the day came to say goodbye , so we arranged to view baby before cremation . That was a hard day but I am glad I got the chance to have this when so many don 't even know this is an option . My Angel baby will never be forgotten . . . and I 'm happy to say I 'm four months pregnant with a healthy baby and no problems so far . " years ago I had my third child . My first two pregnancies were hard since for some reason when I got to 7 months into the pregnancy labor would start - my first born was a preemie at 36 weeks weighing 5 pounds , two years later I had my daughter and despite bedrest and medication to avoid premature contractions she was born at approximately 7 months weighing 3 pounds . When my husband and I discovered we were having another child a scarce 5 months after our daughter was born we dreaded having another premature baby , but we did . My son Juan Diego was born at 26 weeks weighing a pound and a half . Prognosis was grim , when I saw him in the incubator he looked so small and yet completely formed and resembling his older brother , the doctors prepared us for the worst and gave us a run in of all the complications he could present . It is a true miracle that he survived all those years ago in a third world country and a regular nursery not even close to the technology of a NICU in the states . But God had other plans for my son and despite staying 3 months in the hospital and several health issues that are not directly related to his premature birth , he turned 21 this August 21st and has brought many blessings to our family . to remain anonymous . It is one that needs to be read , because she has seen all sides of this issue . Thank you so much for sharing . I was a 15 year old who had lived with 10 years of sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of multiple family members . My mind was probably a little messed up . I had recently been raped by my older foster brother . But then I found that my boyfriend and I had conceived . I bring a baby into that life . No one came forward to help give two scared very troubled teens any other options . I kept thinking if Heavenly Father didn 't want it to happen he 'd stop me . Well that 's not how it works . I figured that out when my boyfriend fainted on the floor during the " procedure " . It was too late . We did love our baby . And it has affected our whole lives . Our pain will never go away . We gave her a name and a ceremony . We prayed and felt our baby was a girl . Her name is Angel Marie . I wrote her a song : " Angel , Angel Marie , how could I do what I did to you ? Oh and Angel , Angel Marie how could I know how it 'd feel ? Oh and how could I know it was real ? Angel , Angel Marie I thought you would be gone . How could I know I would be so wrong . For you dwell within my heart and from there you will it wasn 't working out . Then after 1 1 / 2 years we finally conceived . We were overjoyed . We shared the news , after the six week mark , when all looked perfect . But after 12 weeks when we went for our four month appointment , the healthy heartbeat could no longer be found . My body refused to naturally take care of the dead baby and was clinging to the pregnancy , 4 weeks after the baby had died . So Avery , the baby I 'll never hold on earth , was removed from me . We more cautious . After the four month mark all seemed well . We shared to joyous news . Then the quad screen came back with issues . After an amino 9 - 17 - 12 they found our baby boy had mild Spino Bifida and Trisomy 18 . Trisomy 18 is fatal , especially in boys . He could not live outside the womb for more than a year , probably for less than a day . While he wasn 't due until the end of February he would probably be born early . We were given the option to terminate . I didn 't feel supported by medical staff in keeping this terminal baby alive in my womb . However , I began the longest 3 months of my life . Yet I wouldn 't change them because they were Ezekiel Dominick 's life . He was born 12 / 23 / 12 at 30 weeks . He was born alive and lived 30 minutes . He got his body and returned to his Heavenly Father . We love him and know that our family is forever . But it still hurts . A few months later my sister who couldn 't have another child of her own was blessed by a young continue to try but 2 1 / 2 years later that healthy baby we long for is still not making its appearance . We pray Heavenly Father will have mercy on us and bless us . We can 't afford to adopt . I wish adoption was easier for birth moms and adoptive parents and more affordable . Then maybe more would see it as an option . It would help so many . So you see I 've been on all sides of this issue . I love and morn all my children . Heavenly Father loves us all and will make everything right as we follow him . I hope my story can help others . Posted by The only thing I have to say to that is that my babies were once 8 weeks , and 12 weeks . We all were . Those babies , even that young , will continue to grow and develop and be born and become adults one day . How can you say that it 's ok to kill a baby ( fetus ) at 12 weeks but not at 20 ? Where do you think it 's ok to draw that line ? These babies are humans , just like Chase and Cooper were . They have fingers and toes and a body and a beating heart . I will post a story tomorrow that includes a picture of a 14 - 15 week old baby who was stillborn . It 's hard to look at , but you can clearly see that she was a baby , not a blob of cells . I know that abortion is not an easy decision for most women who are contemplating it . And there are are a very small number of situations where abortion might be the best option . I am not trying to say that I know what is right for you . I just want people to realize that these babies inside of us are BABIES . They are LIFE . And I feel like we should do everything we can to try to save them and give them a chance at life . I don 't know how to say it any clearer , so I will leave it at that for now : ) My husband and I have 3 kids . Each one had more complications that the last . Our third was supposed to be a twin but we miscarried his sister . I couldn 't sleep , I couldn 't eat . I was tired all of the time . I felt so depressed and languished all the time . After 2 wks of this , I went to the ER with severe pain in my side . Another miscarriage . We were devastated . No , we weren 't trying , but we weren 't not trying , if that makes sense . I was almost 8 weeks along . It was the most horrible thing that I have ever experienced . It was so painful . With every cramp , it felt like some took a red hot scalpel to my skin . Then the blood came . It felt like buckets of it . I would stand in the shower , as blood clots and tissue , gushed out of my body . Tissue . Not clots or liquid . Tissue . My baby . A baby . A real baby . It was melting out of me and I was melting out of my self . I felt like I had failed as a woman and as a mother . But I was also heartbroken , because I had fallen in love with a baby that I didn 't even know I had inside me . The minute they said I was pregnant , my husband and I were overjoyed . We had so much love that it bursted out of us . Then minutes later it was grief . It was terror . We wondered if our baby felt what we felt . Felt pain ? Felt lonely ? 7 and a half weeks pregnant and we were wondering these things as if it were alive . Because we knew that it was . We lost a child that day . Not a fetus or an embryo . A CHILD . Our second child had been taken back to heaven . A CHILD . We still grieve over our babies . We still celebrate our sons birthday as if his sister was here . She gets a little ceremony with just the close family every year . Our last baby is talked about daily . We pray every night and talk to them . All this talk of abortion and planned parenthood saddens me . I know the loss of a child . I know the pain . I pray that this world starts to see what is going on . I pray for the children . I received this email from a sweet woman who wants to remain anonymous , but I know the pain she has felt . I am so proud of her for trying again and will be praying that everything goes well for her this time around . I know her angels are watching over their family . " In May 2015 we lost our identical twins Michael and Raphael . I believe that God needed few more angels at His side . It just suddenly happened . I was 18 weeks around that time , not having any labor symptoms , no bleeding , no problems with the cervix or anything else . One day I developed a sore throat and had a fever , so we decided to go to ER to get checked . After they took care of my fever and sore throat the doctors did an ultrasound on me just to make sure everything was ok . Next thing I knew there were 2 ER doctors and 1 OB doctor trying to find my baby 's heartbeats from the ultrasound , and I had a bad feeling ( I am a nurse so looking at the ultrasound machine I knew something was wrong but I didn 't want to jump to conclusions without having professional opinions by the doctors ) . Finally one of the doctors broke the news to my husband and I that our twins had no heartbeat at all . I was in denial , so I demanded a second opinion from my specialist , so they did another ultrasound , but there was still no heartbeat . I felt like I died inside me , I had never felt that pain in my entire life . The doctors told us we should deliver immediately since I was at a high risk for complications , and that once I delivered they could do an amniocentesis to try to determine what went wrong . So I went into labor ( induced ) , and got an epidural because I just couldn 't take any more pain . It also broke my heart when I saw my husband looking at our babies . It has been hard for me to move on , from time to time I just see myself crying and still some part of me blames myself for what happened . I was having a hard time to sleeping at night and just kept thinking about what happened . I am very lucky to have a husband who is very supportive . After 2 months we received the autopsy report and some other test results . They said that everything was normal , the only thing was that my placenta was too small for twins to carry them to full term . After hearing this I felt some relief knowing I hadn 't done anything to cause this . I also asked the specialist about my placenta , and she said that every placenta is uniquely made for each pregnancy and having twins is just very high risk . I am only 27 , still young , so I told myself I am not giving up and we will try again . I will do whatever it takes to keep the next pregnancy safe , no matter what I need to do . We just started trying to conceive again and we are hoping this time everything will be ok and that God will answer our prayers . " Kim reached out to me on Facebook and told me that her adopted son was almost a late term abortion . Thank goodness his mother chose another way . Thank you so much for sharing such a miraculous story with us Kim ! Read about their miracle : " She was 15 , scared , felt alone , inadequate . She found herself in a gown waiting for the door to open to end her pregnancy . As she was waiting for the doctor to enter the door , she could feel her baby moving inside of her growing belly . The minutes seemed like days inside that cold , dark room . All she could hear was the crinkling of the paper rolled out onto the table she was sitting on . She can 't explain what came over her , but she knew what she had to do . She had to run , and that is what she did . She ran out of that clinic as fast as she could , and she never looked back . Our son is now 2 . 5 and we were there the day that he was born . His selfless , beautiful birth mother chose LIFE for her son ! Was it easy for her ? No ! There is nothing easy about being 15 and pregnant and having the world tell you that you can end all of it with one " quick procedure " . Every night when I go into my little boys room after he is fast asleep , I kiss his big curls and thank God that our son is alive . I thank Him for having His hand in that abortion clinic . And I continue to pray for all of the other girls that are feeling scared , helpless and alone in the same situation as our son 's beloved birth mother was in not too long ago . " Kim Haugen is an adoptive mama to her beautiful 2 . 5 - year - old son . She is married to the man of her dreams and they also have a 9 - month - old daughter and are in the process of adopting again . They live in Minneapolis , MN . Posted by working a part time job and had just signed up for the Navy . When we found out we didn 't tell anyone I was pregnant right away except for a couple friends . When we finally got the courage to tell our family we told my family first because we knew they would take it the best . We told my boyfriend 's family about a week later and at first they weren 't happy , but it grew on them . We went for my first appointment and found out I was about 16 weeks already and we heard the heart beat ( this was before we found out it was twins ) . That 's when I fell in love and started to become excited ! The doctor was feeling my stomach and said I felt larger along than what I was , so we went and did an emergency ultra sound on May 22st , and that 's when we found out we were having identical twin girls . We told everyone and they were so excited . In June 2010 everything took a turn for the worst . I had started spotting so I rushed to the hospital but all they said is I was dehydrated and I needed to drink lots of water . Then a week later I was hurting so we went right back and again they sent me home saying I was dehydrated and that I need to drink 3 gallons of water each day . A couple of days later I went back to the hospital because I was cramping and bleeding and my oldest daughter 's sac had broken . This time they kept me in the hospital and gave me some medicine to try to keep them in and relax me . They had told my dad that I was having contractions but I could not feel them . On June 16 , 2010 at 8 : 56am I gave birth to my oldest , Augustina Charmaine Alonzo and she was stillborn . Then at 9 : 04 am I gave birth to my youngest twin , Antonia Tiffany Alonzo , and she only lived for seconds . She died while she was getting baptized . They told me it was Twin to twin transfusion syndrome ( TTTS ) . It 's been 5 years and I 'm okay with them not being with me . I know it was God saying I wasn 't ready , and I tell myself that my mom ( who had passed away ) want to meet her grandchildren . Now I 'm pregnant again with a little boy and I am so excited ! He 's due anytime now . I 've seen a specialist this pregnancy and he has finally given me answers about my first pregnancy and TTTS . It feels so much better now to know that it was nothing that could have been stopped and it was nothing I did . I tell my son he 's got two older sisters who love him and who watch over him . I do miss them but I know they a better in heaven with God and my family . " Thank you so much for sharing your story Diamond ! I am so excited for your new addition , and he will know that he has two precious angels watching out for him . Wishing you all the best , and thank you again for being so open ! - Heather " In July of 2014 I found out I was pregnant . My boyfriend and I at the time didn 't know what to do or how to handle it . We were only together for a month and I was already pregnant . I took four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive . Both of us in shock and scared for this big change in our lives . This was our very first child , and it took us awhile to recognize that this is real . When I went to my first ultrasound , I to change a tragedy into a blessing . Months went by and my boyfriend started making the baby 's nursery . Our theme was the jungle for a baby boy or girl . My boyfriend working as hard as he could in the nursery - I always had to tell him to come to bed at night . We became excited , happy , and even more blessed . He came home from work and would talk too my stomach and say , " Daddy 's home , " and I won 't ever forget the first time he heard baby 's heartbeat . I have never seen him so happy and excited about anything . When I became 21 weeks pregnant we were going in girl ! " and we both started crying . My boyfriend knew the whole time she was going to be a girl . Tears of joy fell from his face because he was so happy to be having a girl . We named her Adalynn Mae Kroll . The next day I got a phone call saying my daughter looks healthy and my ultrasounds looked great , but a tried to go to the bathroom but the pain wouldn 't go away . All of a sudden I realized I was bleeding . I started screaming and crying at God to please not who was living with me . I told her to come back to the bathroom with me and her boyfriend called 911 . I will never forget the pain and terror I felt . When the paramedics came they assumed I had hemorrhoids and just left me there . As I screamed and cried I begged my friends to take me to the hospital , but I just couldn 't move the pain was excruciating . When I went back to my bathroom I sat down and cried until I felt like I had to push . I told them to call 911 because I knew Adalynn was coming . Knowing it was going to happen I calmed myself down . The paramedics came back and put me in the ambulance and drove slowly to the hospital . It was agonizing . By the time I got there I had to give birth to my daughter . When I did the nurse came up to me and said , " I 'm sorry . . . Baby didn 't make it , " I screamed and my whole body went numb . I started shaking out of control and I just couldn 't calm down . The worst part of it was having to tell my boyfriend . The father of my child . I 've have never seen him cry as hard as he did . We stayed in the hospital overnight . We got the chance to hold her , kiss her , hug her and tell her we love her . We got her cremated and had a little funeral for her . Till this day I still think about her . I know she is with my mom and grandmother and grandfather now . They will take care of my baby until it 's my turn to go . I still have her ashes and I sleep with them from time to time , but I gave her clothes to someone else . Now I can only hope this doesn 't happen again . Thank you for taking the time to read this , and thank you for letting me share my story . " " This is my daughter . She was born in February , 2009 . When I was 14 I was sexually assaulted and I never told anyone . I ended up pregnant and homeless . I can 't tell you how many people told me I should consider abortion . That it was the best thing to do . Around 5 months pregnant I got into a program for pregnant homeless women and it was there that I made the decision for adoption . The day that she was born was the scariest and most amazing day of my life . She was perfect . Absolutely perfect . I got to watch the adoptive parents with her and I knew that I was making the right decision , although it was heart breaking going home empty handed and to be honest 7 years later it 's still hard . I know she is happy healthy and loved more than she could ever know . Thank you so much Arlee for sharing your story . Thank you for being so brave and for choosing life for your sweet little girl . What an amazing mother you are ! This is my first guest post from another mother , and it is an amazing one ! Little Micah is a miracle , as you will learn from reading his story . Thank you so much for sharing it with us Danielle ! son was not " viable " . It was a word we were coming to hate . It all started the day my water broke , at 21 weeks . I was treated as if I had a was running a fever . They determined that since baby was not " viable " they would like to induce labor as they feared I had a life threatening infection . We called on everyone we knew to start praying , and within two hours I was now stable . We were then told that it was our decision to induce or to hold out and see what baby does , but they couldn 't do anything at that time to stop labor . We decided to wait . We couldn 't induce when we were sure this baby was not going to make it . the next three days we were told horrific statistics that no parent should ever have to face . We were told that our baby would not cry upon birth . We were told that he will likely be stillborn . We were told that , ears . I didn 't get to see him . He was rushed away by a huge team of Doctors and Nurses dedicated to saving his life , as that was the choice we had made . You see , we were told that we didn 't have to choose to intubate him and put him on a ventilator , but we had to do all we could to save this precious life . He had trusted his Mommy from conception to care and nourish him , and though my body was failing him , I wasn 't going to ! I was going to fight for him . I was going to advocate for him ! I was going to be the voice of this tiny , fragile little boy who already I second I was able to meet Micah changed my life . He was so small . I didn 't know what to expect . Would he look " normal " ? Could I bond with this baby ? Those questions were a mess in my head as I was wheeled into his room two hours after his birth . The sight I saw was a perfectly formed baby . Lots of tubes and monitors all set up to be an artificial womb to this baby born too soon . My husband and I stood there just staring at this beautiful little boy who we were told we couldn 't hold as the skin was so sensitive it would hurt him . We were told we could press lightly on the skin so we each put our hand near him . HE reached up , and held our fingers . This was the strongest grasp I would ever feel . I never knew how strong a baby was until that moment ! He had a powerful grip on our hands , and now our hearts . was about to spend the next 4 months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit . He was going to go through heart surgery , at 2 weeks old and just over a pound . He was going to hang on to life by a thread some days . There were days I couldn 't leave his room . I slept on the floor next to his warmer bed many nights , because my heart was so grieved for this tiny baby and I couldn 't leave him alone . He was going to go through every ventilator they had available . He was going to be on Nitric Oxide to help his lungs . He would get scores of X - Rays and heel pricks . He was was this little baby who was on morphine for pain . He still had his eyes fused shut . You could see his chest vibrate from the ventilators . It was heartbreaking . Here was a boy who we would see get to take his first sneeze . His first smile . We would get to see the hiccups , from the that Micah 's life , Micah 's story , and Micah 's example would help others , and could somehow save other babies born too soon . We didn 't know what the will for Micah was , but we do now . It was to be a voice for all those other babies . We didn 't understand at the time that Micah was right on time , but now we do . Until you are faced with a situation like this , you cannot grasp the intensity that will become every decision . You can read every doctor report , you can get advice from everyone . You can be knowledgeable on every part of prematurity , but that does not change the fact that Micah was just as much full of life at 22 . 4 weeks as he now is at almost 3 years old . Every scary moment has been worth it . Every doctor visit , every oxygen tank we went through , every middle of the night phone call from Natologists , was worth it . We now have a very perfect almost 3 year old we get to call son , when we were preparing for empty arms . Our hearts are full because we chose to give him a chance at life . could have survived are being torn apart and discarded or sold . It makes my heart sad . There are so many better options ( adoption being my personal favorite ) . These are precious children of God . I love you Chase We struggle with infertility and it took us years to get pregnant , so we were SO excited when we found out we were going to have twins ! They were identical , so they were high risk the whole time and I was monitored every few weeks by ultrasound . Around 18 weeks I started feeling some pressure , but I had an ultrasound at the hospital and they said everything was fine . I still felt uncomfortable with that , so I actually changed doctors a few times to find one I felt better about . I found a new specialist based on recommendations and they were able to get me in last minute . I will forever be grateful for this miracle , because had I waited just a few more days I would have gone into labor without ever knowing what had gone wrong or being given the chance to try to save them ! My new doctor did another ultrasound and exam and discovered that I had an incompetent cervix which was leading to preterm was full term . Unfortunately , I know now that this is actually really common with twins . We did everything we could to save them , including surgery and a couple hospital stays , but it wasn 't God 's will . Eventually I went into labor and there was no stopping it ( they won 't give any medication to try to stop labor if you are before 24 weeks along , and I was about 22 ) . There is no promised medical intervention for babies under 24 weeks in the US , which was hard , because once they were born I had to watch them struggle to breathe and wasn 't able to help them . But they each died peacefully in our arms , and blessed our lives in that short time more than I could have ever imagined . We know that everything When the doctors first saw that my cervix was shortening and the chance for delivering healthy babies was low , they offered my husband and I an abortion . They told us we could just end the pregnancy right there , quick and simple . It broke my heart to even hear it , because I knew we would never do that . We had to fight for our babies ! I had seen them in about 10 ultrasounds at that point , and I knew they were alive . I felt them kicking inside of me and they already each had their own little personalities . I just knew we had to do everything we could to try to save them , and we did ! Knowing that we tried gives us such peace . We gave them every chance to survive , but in the end it was up to our Heavenly Father and He needed them back home with Him . We prayed for a miracle , but sometimes God answers our prayers in unexpected ways : ) Cooper and Chase are our miracles . I wanted to get my picture out there not to judge or hurt others , but because I feel like a lot of people don 't connect the fetus inside of them to an actual baby when they are thinking about an abortion . I just wanted to bring awareness to others so that they could see that these are little people . But I had no idea it would spread like it has ! Thanks Thank you so much to everyone who has shared my post , and especially to the wonderful people who have messaged me with your own beautiful stories . I made a lot of new friends today : ) We live in such a wonderful world with so many good people , and I really appreciate the amazing response I have gotten to my post . Not too would be alright and that was the way God intended it to be . I felt very strongly that they were sent to this Earth for a reason , and that they didn 't need to live very long to change lives and make a difference ( especially in my own life ) . I am so happy that their memory is living on , and I can 't wait to see them again Chase and Cooper were born to my husband and I in November of 2014 . They didn 't live long , but they changed our lives forever . This blog is to honor their memory , as well as others who want to share their story . I am a wife and a mom to 3 boys - Cason is 6 and Chase and Cooper are my angels in Heaven . I am a stay at home mom as well as a wedding and family photographer here in Utah , and I like to watch TV and play board games ( when I can get my husband to play with me ! ) . I am a Christian ( LDS - Mormon ) and believe that my babies are with God and that we will see them again ! Hi my name is Grace Bonilla and I live in El Salvador , Central America . 21 years ago I had my third child . My first two pregnancies were . . . |
May 14 , 2017 Wednesday was our 48th wedding anniversary ! It still seems unreal after all this time . Not sure why I didn 't think I would be married this long to the same man - my parents were married almost 60 years . Eddie 's parents were married about the same number of years , so we come from great examples . It doesn 't seem that long , it is as if our marriage is broken into chapters . The earlier the chapter , the more it feels I read it in a book or someone told me about it . Yet I have photos of those years and as I look back at myself , I see myself differently . More kindly than I felt at the time . We decided to try a new Chinese restaurant in Southcenter . They have Dim Sum and Eddie was delighted with the page of greens . We tried a few things and had enough to bring home . I kinda wish I had ordered the dumplings , maybe next time . It was different and except for the noise , we enjoyed it . We have become sticks - in - mud lately , more homebodies that going and doing all the time . I find myself looking in the mirror but all I see is someone 's grandmother hiding my own face . Where did she come from ? Will she ever go away ? I don 't feel old , more about 30 or so , ready to start my life now that I have finally grown up . I 'm glad I have copies of my journal for the years I wrote it - maybe time to go back and read it again . I remember several people saying what an interesting life I had - if you just read the journal . There was a whole lot I didn 't put in , too depressing . Would yu believe we had 2 days in the low 70 's with sun and warmth . It went back to rain again by Friday and we won 't really see sun until mid - week or later . Even so , the flowers are blooming , the lilacs are out , the Rhodos , azaleas - all kinds of blossoms . We have what looks like white and pink snow on the ground because the flowering fruit trees are losing petals as the leaves come out . We have little nubs on the branches of the fig tree - not many leaves yet . I haven 't been out to check the fruit trees , though we have lots of blossoms on the blueberries . A little more sun and warmth will help tremendously . The downstairs bathroom is done . Eddie is waiting until tomorrow to use it because he wants to be sure the shower door has curd . He could use it now if he wants . Now it needs to be furnished - we have some brown towels and I gave him my bathmats . Then we found Soft Scrub , toilet brush , squeegee and glass cleaner - the door is transparent glass . We need to check for new towels and mats , plus waste basket . I have my car back - we picked it up on Monday afternoon . I 'm so glad to have it back , that stupid Kia Optima has the emergency brake right where I need room to get my foot out so I can leave the car . Otherwise it 's fine but I much prefer my own car . It feels so good , so familiar - I know where things are in it - none of this trying to figure out what happened to something in a strange car . I had a wonderful show on Tuesday with Jamie and Diane Osborne - they were a delight to interview . This week I have a good friend Diane Kolb as my guest . She is the Executive Director of Children 's Country Home for medically fragile children . All my shows are in the archives at 1150kknw . com - just look for my show in the list . We sold our lot in Ocean Shores , Monday we need to have our signatures notarized and send back the title papers . We haven 't really made a profit on it , but now we don 't have property taxes , club dues that keep going up and sewer fees . The whole point of buying it was to have a piece of Washington State while we weren 't living here . Now it really isn 't necessary , it has become an expense we don 't need at this point in our lives . We hope to be getting the check soon , it goes into our house fund . It has been interesting having Eddie home most of them . He keeps forgetting I didn 't retire , he gives me that hurt " How dare you leave me " look . Then he wants to know when I will be home . He has been working contacts and seeing what is possible - it takes time and he wants it settled right now . Sometimes being a scenic route is better than a point A to B by the shortest route . He likes to be doing , accomplishing things and making a difference ; I doubt he will ever be happy sitting and watching tv . The difference this time is he didn 't have something to go into as he left the previous job . There are a couple of good possibilities , but it takes patience and that 's hard for him . You could call this a weekly round - up of my life . I have a project or two in the works , not quite ready to talk about them yet . I haven 't taken much in the way of pictures of the flowers . However , my sisters Ellen and Candy have been sending lovely photos . I think they are both a bit warmer than here . May 7 , 2017 It definitely helps to roll with the punches some weeks . This was one of them . Monday we spent the day here together , I was working on a new order for shirts , another one for lapel pins , plus I do a donation of pens for Children 's Country Home every year and show prep for Tuesday 's show . And of course , I helped Eddie with some of his things . We don 't know what the weather will do - if I said rain , it would be the most accurate . Tuesday I went to do my show and then came home - Eddie was here working on his emails and his Kaplanian Report . Also , we see Brad when he needs to do some work before his sub contractor comes . Wednesday he was here with the plumber - now there is a toilet that works and a sink with a small leak . Still waiting for the shower door - they found a crack at the bottom and had to do it over . We hope it will be here this week . Wednesday was Breakfast Club and Eddie had an appointment with a friend to tour his company . After Breakfast Club I went to see Dr . Cheryl and whenever to Jerry 's Rock and Gem for some healing stones for a special friend . Joan had been on my show a few weeks earlier and I asked her advice for my friend . She suggested several stones , plus a red suede drawstring bag for them . When I came home , Eddie was here - he was back by 10 : 30 or 11 . He also talked to his friend about knowing anyone is looking to hire . We sent him Eddie 's resume . It has been the oddest thing , I have been needing cat naps to stay awake - no idea what that is about because I sleep well at night . I had a cat nap before I saw Cheryl , then I fall asleep in my chair , waiting for the doc , waiting to pick up the car , etc . Sometimes it is a liedown on the bed . Yesterday was the first time in a while I didn 't feel the need to nap . Thursday Eddie spent all day at Joint Base Lewis McChord for the Defense Symposium . I planned to spend the day by myself , but then texted my friend to see if she had a few minutes because I had a special gift for her . She invited me to lunch at Salty 's in Redondo Beach and it was lovely . We had some sun which was a delight . We had a lovely time and she was pleased with the stones I gave her . I don 't know how WooWoo or Hocus Pocus she is , but I explained about them and said I wanted her to be around a long time . Thursday was one of those usual days when we had at least four seasons in one day . In the morning was fog and when I went to have lunch , the sun had come out . It was a lovely afternoon , but I could see dark clouds from the south . I arrived home just before the rain started - very heavy rain , thunder and lightning , hail in some places and high winds . Unfortunately Eddie got stuck in it as he was driving home - rain so hard he couldn 't see . I was uneasy about him in all that weather - what a welcome sight when he came in the door . We had more rain , lightning and thunder overnight - some lost electricity but we were fine . Friday morning we went to pick up my car at 10 - Eddie hates the Toyota . It was so good to see my car back together again , I had missed driving it . We had a lunch date with Danielle , she used to be with Andy but had received a better off with someone else . She had talked to Eddie on the phone to tell him what is happening and she was interested in having him do procedures manual and later some training . She has not quite divested from Andy and needs to set things up with the new group , so it will be a bit before she is ready for Eddie to help her . He will be able to do things at home rather than going up to Arlington where she lives . We left Nordstrom in south center and Eddie noticed the check engine light was on , a little flashing light where it shows what gear you are in and also the anti - skid light was lit . Not a comfortable feeling . So we called Pat 's , they said to come back and they would put it on the computer . Well , we spent quite a while there and it turned out a sensor needed changing . We are back in a rental - only had my car 4 hours . This time it 's a Kia Optima , a nicer car and more convenient . They can get the part and will install it on Monday . Friday was such an uncomfortable day , I was so stiff , sore and unbendable - I felt trapped in a cage . I had been doing pretty well , so I wasn 't sure what was happening . I have had many days lately when I have felt heavy , awkward and clumsy . It is depressing , that 's for sure . April 30 , 2017 This could be called a catch up post , pictures of things from the last 2 or 4 months . It feels as if most of what I have written lately is not so positive stuff , but there have been a lot of bright spots as well . There has been a lot of talk about the number of days of rain opposed to the few days of sun - those sunny days were delightful and very much appreciated it . The sun pops out quite often , it seems the clouds have more strength at this point than the sunny . The weatherman says a sunny , 70 degree day on Wednesday - we will see what arrives . Brad has been here working on the bathroom downstairs and it is probably in the last quarter of finishing . The sticky part is the shower door - will it be late ? Eddie wants it all done before he uses it . He is excited to see it come together and see the big changes Brad has made . He feels spoiled using the bathroom upstairs , I think he will revel in his new one . We have had some spanners in the works getting my car fixed - first they kept saying they had to establish responsibility - my insurance company has no problem . Then they weren 't going to cover all of the rental car and finally they wanted to put " gypsy " parts to repair it . When Pat 's group took the car apart , there was twice as much damage inside than they first thought . We are hoping they will be finished this week . The Toyota Corolla is okay but I prefer my Subaru Imprezza . As for me , I am fine after the accident . I have been going to my chiropractor to help me integrate it and release the tight stiffness . It has been quite a while since I saw her last , feels so good to have adjustments from her . I am feeling much more comfortable with my radio show , I think I have a focus for it now . Instead of just saying there is a gift in every difficult situation for one to uncover , I need to give some ideas and ways to the finding . I am still working on that , it is simmering on the back burner until I have a clearer picture . Also , I talked to the station manager Erik about sponsors and what I can offer them . This feels as if it is the hard part - if I had money to fund it myself , I wouldn 't have to look for sponsors to stay on the sir after October . I just went outside to enjoy the sun while it is here . I looked at the garden and took some pictures - amazing how the flowers come up and I didn 't do anything . How cool is that ! I need to open up the kitchen remodel site and add the bathroom pictures . I think there is a link on this blog to get there . I want them to be in chronological order , though it means the last ones will be first . A bit of catch up about things . Yesterday I went to a memorial service for the Celebration of Life for a friend I met through Charlotte . There were a group of ladies who got together for birthday lunches and Charlotte invited me to join them . I met Joyce and got to know her over several years - a real lady and very special . I am not big on going to church and I didn 't really want to go . I went to be there for Charlotte and support her - her friends are slowly disappearing and losing Joyce is a real blow to her . They were like sisters , shared an apartment together and did all kinds of things together . There were some happy moments - when she found several of the youth group came back , looking at the pictures and talking to people she knows at the church . I have no idea what happened , but Monday and Tuesday were miserably uncomfortable days . I was stiff , sore and nothing really helped to lessen it . Monday I went to see Dr . Cheryl to see if she could help with things . I was feeling so beat , I went home for a nap . I did feel better afterwards . I did my show on Tuesday , but came home right after for another nap . Wednesday was better , so I went to Breakfast Club . I enjoyed it as usual - the pouring rain all day wasn 't a deterrent - simply Seattle weather . I stopped at a couple of places to talk to people being on my show . When I finished , I came home to meet Eddie so we could go do something together . As I came to Ambaum on 128th , the light was red . I waited for the green light and was crossing the first lane when a car came right in front of me . I tried to stop , but I hit her and I saw her make a very graceful 180 turn , stopping right in front of a truck going the opposite way . I was in the middle of the street and decided to park in the gas station . It shook me up , I noticed stiffness in my neck and across my shoulders . I was shaking and trying to gather my wits . I called 911 , called my insurance agent and finally called Eddie . He came over - missed lunch with the guys at the archives - and saw my car . Not a happy camper ! It took me a bit to finally get out and look at the damage . The front bumper is gone - the one we just fixed from the hole . Actually , the bumper came off as I drove out of the intersection . I called Pat 's to have them tow the car - they will fix it . The woman admitted she ran the red light and apologized - she also told the sheriff 's officer when he arrived . There was a woman who heard it and then the other car came right up to the front of her truck . She was gathering information and making shut everyone was all right . It seemed as if there were people talking to me and people on the phone - I definitely needed my wits then . Also Eddie answered some questions and also talk to the other woman . She was upset and it scared her 3 year old son . I wasn 't mad or scared , just shaken up and upset my car needs to be fixed . things were friendly all around - the sheriff officer was amazed . He had just come from an accident where both people were angry and ready to come to blows . If I get angry and ream the lady 's tush - what have I accomplished ? Eddie isn 't as mad as I expected , he was more worried about me than the car . The tow truck came , the papers were all filled out and we were able to leave . We went to Pat 's and they arranged for a rental car , plus did a estimate for the damage and repair . I have a Toyota Corolla and it isn 't too bad . Much better than the Chrysler 200 . I drove it home and went for a nap - it wasn 't difficult to fall asleep . He did the errands he planned to do and then came home . Not quite how we planned to spend the day . Thursday I spent the day at home resting . Eddie spent the day up north at the Women in Aviation Conference . He was quite impressed with the women there , learned things as well . Another day with people who love aviation . Friday , Saturday and today have been quiet . Eddie went to the Museum of Flight this morning , hardly anyone there . No doubt having Easter dinner with family . April 9 , 2017 It has been a challenging time lately . I have been coughing like crazy - sometimes so hard it feels as if I have rows and rows of burning needles in my chest . I also lost my voice - not that it kept me from talking . I had to ask Benny to rebroadcast a show for me - no voice and 28 minutes of coughing is not my idea of entertaining radio . Because I have been having such a bad time , I saw Doc Pierce Tuesday morning . He gave me antibiotic for 7 days , plus I had forgotten he had given me something for the cough a while ago . Last night was the first night 's sleep I have had in a long time . I didn 't cough much , but it took me a bit to go to sleep . Eddie has a cough , not like mine , but he has stuffy , runny nose with sneezing - he thinks it 's allergy . I 'm wondering if my is sinus because I get what feels like a sinus headache at times . Both of us would love to be finished with all of it . I wonder if we are getting more sensitive to things inside and outside . After I went to the doc Tuesday morning , I went to see the eye doc in the afternoon . Not my favorite to have all this in one day . However , I am doing well and the macular degeneration is not any worse . I seem to have spent the day taking cat naps because I was having trouble keeping my eyes open . I went to Breakfast club the next morning , came straight home to bed and slept and cough until about noon . This stuff is for the birds . I did feel better in the afternoon ; I 'd rather sleep at night . Brad has been here for a week or so doing the bathroom remodel downstairs . He did demolition to prepare it for the repiping on Thursday . They turned the water off so Greg the plumber could replace as much pipe as possible . That meant Eddie and I needed to find things to do somewhere else . We went to Panera for breakfast , picked up the laundry and wandered around the new Ikea . I was amazed at how much I walked before needing a sit - down . It 's huge , with floors , but the food available to buy is very sparse from what it was . Their restaurant is much bigger - we didn 't check the menu . We took stuff home and then went down the hill . We spent quite a while wandering around in Barnes & Noble , then grocery shopped and finally decided to come home around 3 : 30 or 4 . The water was still off and it was close to 6 when Greg was done . There is a lot of sediment and grit from the peeling pipes , plus the pipes coming in from the street need to be replaced . I was glad to have the water back . Greg said to call him the next day of there were any problems - he was working Burien that day . In the night , I heard water running - the toilet was completely closing . So there was drip , drip , drip along with a spraying sound . I looked in the tank and found a new kind of set up . No ball , though the handle still has a change to flush and the left has the regulating to open and close the valve . However , where the ball used to be is a canister type device - love to know how it works . I called Greg the next day to let him know - he came out and found there was sediment in the works . So he flushed it out and thought he fixed it , but then on his next test , it started running . More sediment ; I am glad to say , so far it is working perfectly . Friday was quite a day rain with really high winds . some places lost power , trees fell on houses and cars . I 'm so glad Mom and Dad opted to do underground wiring a long time ago . So far we have not lost power . I suspect when all that weather goes over the mountains and east , it will intensify . Everyone has been having wild weather . It was up to 60 on Thursday , now it is in the 40 's . I keep thinking Spring weather will finally emerge . Meanwhile , the flowers , trees and bushes are blooming like crazy . We may not have the weather , but we have lovely blooms and beautiful colors . I miss the mountains , they have all been shrouded in clouds most of the time . Today is the 50th anniversary of the 737 at the Museum of Flight . It is not Eddie 's week to go , but he wanted to check it out . I don 't think it is raining , which I 'm sure the organizers are pleased . April 2 , 2017 Last week was the first week of retirement for Eddie - except he wasn 't sitting on his tush watching tv . He has been calling people , having lunch or making plans for lunch and also , he has an appointment Monday with Steve to talk about Eddie doing some research . We have no idea how it will unfold , just watching what happens as it comes . I saw my dermatologist Monday to find out if I had to make a visit to the MOHS surgeon or not . At the time she thought I would , but I opted for her to freeze it , then if she needed to do a biopsy , we would talk about MOHS . I am so glad to find out I don 't have to , everything is fine . Next fall or winter she wants to do a face peel to get rid of the tiny bits that will turn into cancer . I can hardly wait . I had a call from the cardiologist 's office about my scoring . Of course , no one will tell me anything one way or the other , I have to come in for an appointment . If there was a serious problem , I 'm sure they wouldn 't wait 2 weeks or more for the appointment . More things to cross off my list . I found out Medicare doesn 't cover orthotics , so that is out - of - pocket . I have an appointment in May , not sure if I will keep it or not . I did make an appointment with the clinical psychologist on Wednesday afternoon - Medicare doesn 't cover it , but she does half price for Medicare patients . I 'll see how it goes and work from there . I finally have an appointment with Dr . Cheryl , my chiropractor , tomorrow . I haven 't seen her for ages and I am feeling rather stiff not very flexible . I always enjoy going to see her , she is so gentle and her fingers know exactly where it hurts . Something else on my To Do list . I have to see the eye doctor Tuesday for my yearly check up . he gave me a new prescription for glasses last year , so it will be a while before I need to do that again . Sometimes I think there is more preventative maintenance every year I am older . Last week was also the beginning of the downstairs bathroom remodel . Brad has been doing demolition - the shower is gone as well as the toilet . Eddie has moved to the upstairs bath with me - taking a shower up here is so much more luxurious that downstairs . Thursday morning they went to choose tile , floor , fixtures , faucet , sink with cabinet , etc . Ed is choosing because it is his bath . The plumber was here on Friday - we still have galvanized pipes that have little bit flaking off inside , all that goes through the rest of the house . Better to do as much as we can now rather than later when some of the bath would have to be torn up again . I have some pictures as it has happened , so I will put them on the house remodel blog . My networking breakfast group had to move because the owner of the building sold it . So the catering business also had to close . We are meeting at a restaurant that is next to a hotel - they gave us a good deal . Also , this week is the change of officers for the next 6 months . I volunteered to be a Member At Large - don 't really have to do anything except show up at a board meeting . We still have rain and chilly weather - oh my , is that the sun ? Wonder how long it will last ? The trees and flowers are blooming like crazy - temperature doesn 't see to phase them . Flowering fruit trees , forsythia , camellias and rhodos in some places . Lately the moles have been quiet - maybe they are resting for the next assault on the lawn . Eddie has noticed dandelions blooming - Spring is definitely official now . I have been doing my radio for 5 months - the first set of 3 months was such a learning experience . Now I feel I have more of a handle on it and what it is about . I also have to talk to Erik about sponsors so I can stay on the air . I have asked people to be guests and it has worked out quite well so far . Most of the shows are just me with topics about Loving Yourself and the components that seem to comprise it - like a jig saw puzzle but without a picture on the box . I 'm working on how they all fit together - unless there is a different , better way to approach it . Both Eddie and I are stiff runny , stuffy with sneezing . I have quite a cough the past week , I need to check with Doc Pierce to know when it is just a cough or bronchitis . Eddie and I keep each other awake at times - night - time seems to be the most uncomfortable time . I have been drinking a lot of hot lemon or lime water - seems to help but it also means trips to the throne . I have had to resort to 2 finger hunt and peck - so far it has worked pretty well , not many mistakes . My little finger keeps changing sensations - right now it feels as if the nerve is just covered by skin and any time I touch it , I can it feel it . Then , at times it suddenly feels cold on something - not necessarily metal , porcelain , etc . I 'm hopeful it means the feeling is coming back . It 's been quite a while since I did a post - 3 months to be exact ! I have had trouble writing because my little finger on my left hand has put in extra letters and I have to keep going back to fix it . I have finally decided on the 2 finger hunt and peck system to eliminate as much as I can . I 'll do spell check and if there are other errors , I 'd say you will be able to figure them out without any problem . We 've had 2 snow storms , one on the 1st of the year , the other last month . I definitely don 't go out in snow - I did my show from home rather than risk finding myself in a ditch . I would have been fine , it was smarter to do it from home . I had one I had to have a rebroadcast because I lost my voice - not helpful in radio . I feel I am getting the hang of the show after 5 months , though what seemed clear a bit ago , isn 't quite so clear . Definitely a learning experience . Eddie has retired for the 4th or 5th time . Two weeks ago was Eddie 's last day with Andy - finance is not his thing and spending time at the aviation conference really brought that home to him . He had such a great time that week - like a kid in a candy store . He met all kinds of people and his Kaplanian Report was a hit . He is following up on contacts , talking to people and looking to creating a new venture in commercial aviation . We don 't know how it will show up or how it will look yet . Eddie has decided that at this age he doesn 't have to do something he doesn 't want to do . That also means he is home a lot more - a big adjustment for both of us . I let him know I haven 't retired , I have my own life and business . There also my medical life , . Tomorrow is a cardiac scoring the cardiologist wanted me to do - on me . I am going to see my dermatologist on Friday to check if I have to do minor MOHS surgery or not . I opt for not . I need new orthotics , I have a list to the right since I broke my hip and I am noticing it more as time goes on . Maybe they will even help me clip my toenails , I am having trouble reaching as well as strength to clip . Both of us are dealing with runny , stuffy nose and sneezing - is it sinus or allergy ? No one seems to know . Doc Pierce would rather save the antibiotics for heavy - duty situations - that 's fine with me . I prefer to go do the things I want to do and not spend so much time on medical . My personal injury case is finally settled - it 's only been a year and a half . I got money earlier and then the second one just came recently . I called Brad to find out when he can start on the downstairs bathroom - he came by this week with ideas and a budget . He needs to schedule the plumber and electrician , so I 'm not sure when he will start . Since there will be a new shower stall , he wants to dig up the old one and see what is underneath before the plumber comes . So he will do that first - Eddie can still the sink and toilet but will shower up here . Since he will probably be home , he can make the decisions for his bathroom . We had Mr . Rooter out because the hot water went wonky . He had to replace the elements , my bad for not draining the water heater every year . It 's so lovely to have it working properly again . The joys of home ownership . I also have a new toilet seat - the other one was loose and I have a bit more bulk now , so the mix didn 't work out very well . No more loose toilet seat . We have had more rain in the last 3 months than all of last year . Not sure why - it still feels like fall and winter even though the flowers are blooming . The crocuses were out last month - it was chilly - and they bloomed their hearts out . Then the mini daffodils are blooming and a pink Hyacinth came up from out of nowhere . Now the grape hyacinths are showing their pretty , purple faces . The Scillas have greenery all over the place , soon they will have lovely lavender blossoms . The forsythia on the bank finally bloomed , they are usually the first . December 25 , 2016 How did Christmas sneak up on me ? It is on Sunday and we 've barely finished Thanksgiving . Christmas has definitely changed over the decades - yikes , it is literally decades at this point . Growing up , Christmas was like the rest of the year - family time . My Dad once told me if they could take the three of us , they didn 't want to go . I don 't remember Christmas the 1st 7 years of my life in Southern California - my memories are of 1955 when we moved to this house in Seattle . We usually bought a Christmas tree a week before Christmas , but it went into a bucket of water at the bottom of the outside basement stairs . There was a store called Chubby and Tubby that had 99 cent trees . We would all split up and look for a tree in the lot - then we had to decide which would be our tree . I usually saw a cool tree - being held by someone else . I loved the smell of Douglas fir - that is the smell of Christmas to me . Christmas Eve was when we decorated the house with greens and put up the terrace . We had a holly tree next to the house and a cedar type hedge by the drive and usually a fir somewhere by the canyon . As the Christmas cards arrived in the mail , my Mom hung a ribbon or two to the front door and taped up the cards . She had hooked a NOEL hanging for the front door , so sometimes that went up first and the cards were on ribbons on either side of the fireplace . During this time , Mom would be making Christmas cookies and we " helped " . It was mainly decorating , though whatever we did , it was fun to be in the kitchen with all those wonderful smells . And Christmas fudge - a recipe Dad got from someone at North American . He was told it is the See 's fudge recipe - whether it is or not , it 's wonderful ! ! I remember Mom putting it in the hall closet to cool off . We would also go out to the see the Christmas Ship - yacht decorated with lights and a different choir every night singing carols . There were small boats following it , also decorated with lights . They would stop at different places w here a bonfire was built and they would anchor in as close as they could and play carols to all of us on shore . There was a schedule published for the week or so they did it , on the lake and the Sound . The day before Christmas we decorated the house . The tree went up and after Dad tied it to the curtain rod to keep it from falling . He put on the lights while the rest of us decorated its . We never had a " coordinated tree " , the decorations were from different times . There were some from when Mom and a Dad were first married , some came from friends or we made ; others were bought to supplement those that broke - it was a hodge podge - our own special hodge podge . We had to keep filling the pan for the tree with water because the cats kept drinking it . We were fortunate it didn 't occur to any of them to climb the tree . One year we put up the tree a week before Christmas - we all were tired of it before Christmas arrived . By doing it Christmas Eve , then the next morning was Christmas . Mom made a sour cream coffee cake for breakfast and then we opened our gifts . Then Mom made a proper breakfast . When my older sister was married , Mom decided to have Christmas Eve , then they would spend Christmas with his family . when I was married , I went out of the country . Our first Christmas as a married couple was in Australia - it didn 't feel like Christmas because its was in the middle of summer . We had a rather sad artificial tree with some ornaments . What I do remember is one of the women at the store where I worked asked me the significance of a white Christmas . That brought me up short until I realized all the Christmas cards , movies , etc . show snow - how could they connect in the middle of summer ? The worst day was Thanksgiving - no one there knew what it was or why we celebrate it . I made the mistake of thinking what Mom and Dad would be doing and it really upset me . I couldn 't really explain why I felt that way to the other women . When I came home from work , Eddie had cooked a whole chicken for us . When we came back from Australia , we were living in San Francisco and no money to go to Seattle for Christmas . So Mom and Dad and my younger sister came to us for Christmas . After that , Eddie was able to arrange business trips to Seattle , we just had to pay for my ticket . So for many years we went to Seattle for Christmas and my sisters would come too . One year our godson from Australia came for a 6 week visit - 2 weeks in LA where we lived , 2 weeks in Seattle for Christmas and 2 weeks in LA before we left for home . it was an interesting time , I took pictures , bought postcards and assembled a photo album so he could show his family . It took some time to do the album , so it was after he left that it was done . When he came up here , we had a small fir tree by the drive that was big enough for a Christmas tree . He and Dad cut it down and put it up in the living room . We also went to dinner at Ivar 's salmon house by the locks and the Christmas ship was going through . We had a lose up view and heard the carols . When our 2nd oldest niece came t3o visit , she w as amazed because it wasn 't like Jerusalem at all . My parents took her on a walk down to the beach on an old logging road - she said she had never been in a forrest before . SHE saw Vashon from our window and wanted to see an island - not sure what she expected . I was surprised to find there aren 't Christmas trees and decorations in Jerusalem . When she was here , we started new tradition - a middle eastern buffet for Christmas Eve dinner . My sisters were still coming for Christmas and we continued it for several years . It was getting harder to travel during Christmas and my sisters haven 't been here for quite a while . Both Eddie and I were glad not to travel this year to Toronto - we love being with them but the getting there and coming home is not always easy . December 22 , 2016 I know I haven 't been posting very often , there is a reason - I have to work twice as hard to make sure you can read it . Ever since my elbow replacement , my left little finger and ring finger are not working very well . My little finger is numb and tends to catch on things and hit wrong keys so I seem to have a language all my own . I am writing my show prep for Tuesday about Christmas and will use it for my blog later on . I would have had it all done but I had to keep fixing it as I went along . I don 't have a whole lot to write about since I feel I am catching up more than anything else . We 've hwad a little snow , but not enough to really count . It was sleeting wheqn Eddiqe left this morning , though it was mixed wit3h rain , he wasn 't really conceqrneqd about it . It has been really cold lately - well , cold for us . I don 't miss the snow and ice we had in the East and also in Fort Wayne . We are glad we decided t4o stay here for the holidays . I have been enjoying doing my radio show - it feels easier and more relaxed thant he first time . I also know more 3thsn I did the first time . I decided to talk about my Christmas memories , especially with my family and when Sylvia came and our godson Jason form Austra ; ia . Later I asked Bennie what he thought - he said I am a good story teller . I was pleased to hear t3hat . I also need to help peqopke understand what4 the show is about , why I am doing it and the message . I am wondering what I am going to talk about next Tuesday - I don 't have a guest at the moment . Th moles are having a field day in the lawn . Not only does one make a huge mound , after Eddie pounds it down , the little sucske2r make another one right on top . I don 't know what has galvanized them to be so active , I ' da love two put a stop to it . As I have said , we don 't have a golf course lawn but there is no reason to have it look like a construction zone . Jorge , who does the lawn , said he had something , so maybe we can stop some of them . Tomorrow the pest guy is coming for his third visit . He was here two weeks ago and out of 12 traps , no furry creature . he will remove the traps and plug up as much as he can to keep them from finding a winter home here . We had snow on Monday , about an inch and snow on Friday , 2 inches at least . Monday was problematic for Eddie in the morning because it started snowing when he was having breakfast in Southcenter . He wasn 't sure how it would be on 405 into Bellevue - then found someone had broken his back passenger window - no briefcase . He came home and spent a lot of time working with the bank because our checkbook was in the briefcase - also Andy 's business checkbook . Then called Vickie , our insurance agent and took his car to Murray 's Collision - we just got mine back . Someone backed into my front passenger bumper leaving dents and scratches and a big hole . I said that is why I am such a nag about leaving anything in plain sight in the car . He didn 't really believe me , just thought I was being paranoid . NEWS FLASH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! He has a Hyundai Sonata , but he misses his wagon so much that he is impatient for it to be fixed . I had a Chrysler 200 for a rental - it was very awkward to drive and get in and out . So glad to have my Subaru back . Friday 's snow was more problematic - Eddie didn 't go to work , but worked from home . I rescheduled my haircut and a new client visit - the pest control guy came in the afternoon . I heard scratching on the bedroom ceiling last Wednesday - a familiar sound of furry creatures looking to settle in for the winter . He came the following day to set traps and see where they are getting in . He came this week - nothing in any of the traps - not sure what 's happening . He will be back in 2 weeks to check again and put copper mesh over the holes he can reach . We also need to put new insulation up in the attic as well . Week before last we were doing Secret Santa for Breakfast Club . I was given Bryan Gormley - someone I barely know . I found he had 3 daughters , so the first week I did a Family Fun Box with cookie cutters , frosting , 4 bottles of sprinkles , recipes for Gingerbread cookies and Sugar cookies . The 2nd week was a set of wooden puzzles and the last was a set of 4 small bottles of spices and some ideas to use them . I think he was pleased . We had the third gift at the Christmas party Wednesday night . Thursday was the PNAA Christmas Party in Mukilteo - we skipped it because they said snow was coming in the evening . Glad we did because driving home in the dark and the snow isn 't something that is easy any more . This coming Friday is supposed to be the party for Andy 's group . So far there hasn 't been a response and Eddie will have no regrets canceling it . We 'll see how it plays out over this week . Andy is leaving the following day for China to visit his Mom . Things have changed for him , he had to have a written invitation to visit . He is now an American citizen , so it looks as if they don 't recognize he was born there . That bugged him no end . The past few days I felt myself with less energy , so Saturday after we finished our errands , I crawled into bed for a nap . I slept about 2 hours and felt so much better . I have been sleeping better as well - I think the nap took the edge off being tired . Looks as if I need to make time for a lie down or nap every once in a while . Oh my , have the moles been busy ! ! ! Our lawn looks more like swiss cheese than grass . On the bright side , it is aerating the grass so I don 't have to do it . I am wondering if the kids grew up and didn 't leave home . Looks as if we have a colony instead of a small family . We had a card telling us the new value for the house and land - the house is worth more than the land . Maybe they think the land is less valuable with holes in it . I suspect our property taxes will be going up again . We have an arborist in Breakfast club now and he came by Thursday to look at the fruit trees , fig , blueberries and dogwood . They all need help and the isn 't going to charge all outdoors to do it . He will prune and clear grass away from the trunks and then in Spring will prune the new fruit so we have better fruit and maybe the apples won 't keep hitting the ground so often . Might even keep the creepy crawlies away . I also need to have John come and give us the view back . The snow on the Olympics is spectacular ! ! When the sun comes up and shines on the snow , it is gorgeous . We sometimes have to look quickly or the sun disappears . A lot of the time they awry covered with clouds . Occasionally Mt . Rainer comes out in all its glory , what another spectacular sight ! |
About two years ago , my husband and came home to police cars sitting in front of our house , cops in and around our yard and an extremely large group of people seeming to grow around the place . It was a parents worst nightmare ! The house , I didn 't care about , but the problem you see , is that we had left our youngest two children at home alone . My heart hit the floor and panic set in ! I ran to the door and pushed past a bunch of teenagers to try and get into my house , my husband just behind me . It seemed like hours before I made it in ( I know it was only seconds , but still to this day it ' feels ' like hours ) , I looked around my home frantically and didn 't see my kids . An officer stepped over to me . Literally , he took just one step - again it seemed to take so long and seem to be so far to just walk the couple of steps from my door into my kitchen . I only saw his face in a blur , I was still searching for my kids ! As he moved towards me , I saw my youngest son ( then only 9 ) just behind the officer . Thank God ! ! Where is . . . and then my daughter came out from the other room ! I have never been so happy ! We had been gone only for maybe an hour and half at most . My oldest was at school , while the other two ( 9 and 11 years old ) were at home . They were just starting to stay home alone once in a while , and felt so happy and grown up to be without parents ! Cell phone ? Nope ! We didn 't believe in them . Cell phones mean taking your work and other things with you when you go out and we believed in living in the moment . So . . . as you can imagine , when the shit hit the fan my kids couldn 't get a hold of us , of me ! We all have cell phones now , I cant believe how stupid that was ! A simple modern convenience that makes life safer for the kids , and we only thought of the inconveniences it could cause . Anyway , while we were gone someone had come to the door and knocked several times . The kids had been told to never open the door when we were not home , and certainly never to strangers . The stranger at the door didn 't give up , knocking and banging louder and louder . The kids got scared and ran upstairs to my bedroom - thank god they were smart enough to grab the phone on the way ! They heard the man walking around the main floor and then begin up the stairs . They tried to hide , but only found hiding space under my bed , and only room for one . The youngest was pushed under the bed by his sister , who stood guard - phone in hand . She told us later that if the man came into the room she thought that he would see her and not think to look under the bed where her brother was hiding , she thought this would help protect him . Meantime her brother was so scared that he couldn 't stop shaking . He wet his pants and begged his body to stop moving , because it was making the bed shake , and this could give away his hiding place . He was so frightened and wanted his sister to be safe too , but couldnt manage to do anything about it . ( To this day , he is still working this out and finding a way to make peace with himself and find the courage he believes he should have had . ) They eased my kids out of that room and downstairs , where eventually we arrived . They explained to us what had happened , and we exhaled with such relief ! The kids were okay ! 7 The police took bootprints and fingerprints and caught the guy a couple of days later . We all felt so relieved ! That is until it happened again . And again . and again . . . Over the next 12 weeks the attempts continued , sometimes several times a day - and sometimes days in between attempts . One man , other times two or three men - from the front of the house , through the windows , often during the day and sometimes at night . Those three months we lived in terror . The police couldn 't figure out what they wanted . Were we involved in drugs ? Did we have firearms in the house ? Did we often have large amounts of cash in the house ? The answer was always the same ' NO ' . All the police could think of , was that there was something in our home that these guys wanted . And not the original creep that broke in , because he was in jail . What the hell was going on here ? We put locks on all our gates , cut away all bushes that could become hiding places for intruders , put new locks on doors , boarded up ground level windows , put in a fairly sophisticated alarm system and got a purebred watchdog . We also got cell phones for everyone . There were bats in every room , at night we strategically placed mats with nails sticking up , on the floors , we armed everyone with whistles and did many other ' little ' things to try and keep our family safe . What we just could not understand was why ? Why did they keep coming ? What could be so valuable or important in our home that they would want ? Most often , the people who broke in - when they made it into the house , went upstairs to the bedroom . Not ' bedrooms ' , but ' bedroom ' the one that my youngest two children shared . We eventually caught on that they were after the kids . Why ? Which one ? We just couldn 't figure it out . Nothing made sense . Most of the time they broke in , or tried to break in when my husband was out . Once he was just out in the front of the house working on the car , when they tried breaking into the back , coming over the back fence - our dog went nuts , so I let her out of the house and she ran towards the back fence where two men were climbing over and into our yard . The dog stood between the men and me , and barked and growled . I saw this and ran towards them , bat in hand , yelling and screaming for them to get lost . The men ran away , only to come back another day . Another time , my husband had gone out to get some groceries . He was not gone half an hour , and I looked out my bedroom window only to see a man looking in the house from the side of our garage - inside the gated area ! I got all the girls to the ' safe spot ' in the house , and went back to see him sneaking across the yard towards the house . I picked up my paintball gun and aimed . I had to wait for him to come into range , which seemed like forever . Finally , he walked across my view and I shot , and shot and shot and shot . I think I must have gotten off five or six shots . One of them hit him right in the chest . Yahoo ! ! ! Now the police will find him easily I thought ! He fell down , and I kept shooting . I don 't know if I hit him again , my vision had become blurry and it was difficult to focus . He ran away , and I called the police . I was shocked beyond belief . Not only was my family being terrorized and the police seemed to be unable to help , but they were threatening to charge me for protecting my family ! Things went on like this for about three months . My kids became increasingly frightened , the youngest took to hiding in small things like boxes or cupboards - especially when his dad went out . We began to sleep together in one room , the youngest two kids and I . My oldest daughter stayed in her room . She seemed somewhat unaffected by what was going on - and a little confused at how long the rest of us continued to feel afraid . My husband slept in the living room . Why ? Well , one night the kids begged him to sleep in their room with him , and so he did . He slept on the floor , in the only available space - a short distance from the door . The next morning he woke up to our 11 year old crying ' Dad , there 's a man in my room ! " It seems that a man made it past our locked gates , through the locked door - without setting the alarm , past the motions sensors , and into the kids room . My daughter says he stood there for a long time ( probably not so long , if time moved like molasses for her the same way it had for me when I felt frightened ) , he just looked at her , then smiled and began to walk into the room . She called out and my husband jumped up - the man ran out as soon as he spotted my husband . Tom chased him out of the house and down the road , but he got away . It seems that our oldest daughter turned off the alarm and sensors and ' forgot ' to lock the back door where he got in . She was 17 , how could she forget something like that , at at a time like this ? She seemed to forget about the locks and alarms often . I began to suspect brain damage . . . I am not kidding . This is not a joke . I began to believe that she has some sort of brain damage , or malfunction causing her to be so . . so dumb ! I was determined to get her some help , get her checked out when this was all over . None of it seemed to be affecting her , she was the same as always except that she didn 't seem to realize the importance of our families safety . The rest of us were loosing our cool - to put it mildly . We had been under so much stress and constant trauma that we were in shock , and living in a way that I expect many people do in third world countries where life is very difficult and very cheap . This all came to a head one night when my husband was out walking the dog . The kids were in bed and I was on the phone with my friend , when we both heard a couple of funny sounding ' clicks ' . . . sounded like someone was on the phone with us . We dismissed it as paranoia and continued talking . A few minutes later the phone line went dead . I freaked out and grabbed the closest thing I could use to defend myself - the paintball gun - and positioned myself in front of the stairs . No One was getting up there ! No one was getting to my kids ! The alarm system was right there , and I checked it - no doors had been opened , no person had entered our house . Now I was totally freaked . I just stood their , defending the stairway that lead to the kids . If I am totally honest , I think it was more fear that rooted me to that spot , than choice . Someone banged at the door , making me jump so that the paintball gun went off ! I heard my girlfriend calling to me , and so I let her into the house . We quickly made a plan . She went upstairs to get the kids , and took them into her car , while I defended the stair case until they got out of the house . It sounds stupid now , but at the time all I could think of was that the stairways was the place that i had to make sure the intruders didn 't cross if I wanted to be sure to keep my kids safe . Tom came home . He checked the whole house , and no one was in it . Not a soul . The only problem seemed to be that the phone cord had been cut , in the kitchen . Someone had cut the phone cord ! Someone had been in our house ! They got past the alarm ! It was the most frightening moment of all ! Slowly it began to dawn on us that no one had entered our house . No one had been hiding in our house . It had to be someone already there . It had to be one of us . My legs gave out , my stomach churned , my head hurt . I thought I might throw up . Who knows , maybe I did . . . I don 't remember . In one swooping moment my world came crashing down . There was only one person who could have possibly done this . Only one person who could have gotten past me to cut the Cord and get back upstairs without me seeing . I wouldn 't let myself believe it or even think about it . " I cannot think about this ! I cant talk about ! We made a mistake , the cord must have torn " . We didn 't discuss what we knew , but somehow found a way to stuff it way down . That was a mistake . It has been a while since I have written here , and allot has changed . Most of which , is on the inside . What I mean is that my husband and I have chosen a course of action , we have a plan and a path that we have decided to follow . It feels great , to have some kind of a foundation again . Maybe the plan will change , it is going to have to be flexible - but having a direction and moving towards a common goal together is a fantastic feeling . I have never finished telling you the whole story about how we came to know about our daughter being a psychopath , and I will tell you all the details - just not today . It is going to take some time , for me to sit down and write about that time and those events and today is just not that day . Soon though . Tomorrow I will write about how we came to be on this new path , and how our daughter tried to have her siblings killed . Perhaps I will write to you about last year when she began asking about where our life insurance would go if we died and who would have to take care of the other kids . Or maybe I will tell you about the time she cut the phone lines so that we could not call out for help . I am starting to realize that there are just so many ' times ' to write about . This whole thing has taken over our lives , consumed them like a gluttonous vampire ! But no more ! We have found a way to stand up again and take our lives back , to really live and let go of the fear . We have found a way to embrace the love we have for each other and get up off of our knees . I have waited for what seems like forever , for someone to come and save us from this living nightmare . I thought that the universe , God or even a friend might fix it all and just save us . . . help us run away so that we could live in another country and forget all this . But after allot of crying and wishing and praying , nothing has happened . It has been a year since our daughter was diagnosed as a psychopath and just a select few ( 4 ) individuals know about it ( besides our psychologist and psychiatrists ) . At first we talked with them allot , but after a while they began to disappear . It has now been three months since our last visit with a ' friend ' . There is a very occasional quick call , but mostly we are on our own . I don 't blame anyone , it must be a bit scary for them and perhaps they run out of things to say after a while , and they have the luxury of getting on with their lives and not having to think or deal with this if they don 't want to . I would jump at the chance to run away from this if I could ! So , I understand - I don 't like it , sometimes it makes me angry or feel very hurt and sad - but I understand . On the upside we have learned how to be our own hero 's , how to save ourselves and each other . I have learned how to be a stronger person and be my own hero , to save myself - of course if there was an option , I would choose for someone else to take over ! haha Amazing how even now , that is soo true ! I wish it were my truth that I was this really strong woman who would not even think about letting another person , or even god , save her - but . . . well I 'm not . I would run away from this situation in a blink of an eye ! I would get my two youngest children to a place of much greater safety and if at all possible , forget every moment of it ! But there is no on wearing a cape , no one saving us , saving me . And now even our support system has faded away to almost nothing . We are truly on our own . Today was an absolutely wonderful day . The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult . I have been trying to get my feet back on the ground and begin to create a new life for myself and with my family , but the last couple of weeks have felt more like standing in the middle of the ocean on a log ! Well , it was my birthday today and it was fantastic ! I just couldn 't have asked for anything better ! Birthdays are pretty lo key here . We usually have a relaxing day ending with the birthday person choosing some favourite food for supper , and of course cake ! Presents are most often home - made . This year my kids gave me a handmade purse and a new pillow . I loved the purse , although I am not too sure that i will be able to carry anything too heavy inside it ! And the pillow is just what I have been wanting - I keep stealing my husbands because he has a great feather pillow that is just so comfy ! And now I have one too ! To top off this lovely birthday fest was a special present from my husband . A private concert with Cher and Tina Turner in my own basement ! Yup , he is pretty great ! He fixed up the basement to suit a concert . . . you know , surround sound with a big screen t . v . and all that . Then he gave me a concert CD from two of my favourite performers ! We got dressed up and went off to the concert . It was so much fun , almost like being at the real thing . We clapped and whistled and yelled and sang ! It was wonderful . Probably the best evening I have had in a couple of years . As I sit here writing this , I think that maybe there is a chance we can salvage the rest of our lives . Maybe we can find that solid foundation in our love for each other and build a new life . It 's true that it isn 't going to look the way I thought it would , but so what . We have what matters , we love each other and we are all willing to try . That would be really nice . I will sleep on that thought tonight . Good night , and thank you for reading my blog . I hope you too have a great evening ! And if you are going through some troubled times , perhaps you too will find some sure footing in the love you have created around you , and within you . Today is Wednesday and it is just after noon , everyone is still sleeping . It seems that we have all switched our sleep patterns around and have begun to sleep during the day and stay up half the night . Last night we ate supper at 11pm . Its a good thing that we home - school our children or it wouldn 't be working so well . Last night I finally got to sleep around 5am , I have been awake since around 10am . My body seems to want to shut out . . . everything right now . I have gained about forty pounds in the last year , which is unusual for me . It has been my habit to exercise for about two hours a day , sometimes more . I love to swim and the walk to the pool is about 7 miles . So I walk , swim for an hour or two and walk again . It also used to be my habit to practice martial arts and boxing ( with a non - living sparing partner ) a couple of times a week . Food is one of my favourite past times and I used to cook special meals for the family at least a couple of times a week . Now all i want is junk food . I realize that we are all medicating ourselves with junk food and movies , doping up our bodies with a lack of exercise and lack of sleep so that we don 't feel or know as clearly as we could . Knowing this , and changing it are 2 very different things . The problem of course , is that it effects every part of my life , not just the part I want it to . Its a funny thing , the things you learn about yourself when life doesn 't turn out the way you thought it would . You get the chance to see your true self , a small piece of who you really are - without all the fluff and junk - without the illusions that we build up around us . We get a glimpse of our true nature , whatever that might be . For some the prospect is frightening , for others it is a godsend . For me , it has been a bit of both . When all the illusions are stripped away , we only have our truth : our experiences and how we chose to use those experiences - maybe to act as evidence about something we want to believe or to support a choice we want to make . It has been my experience that all to often we choose the belief or emotional outcome of an experience long before we even had the experience . We decide - maybe even subconsciously - what we want to feel or do , not feel or not do and then we fit that outcome to the experience we are having . The very odd thing is , that we then proceed to believe it ! As I look around , I see that our world is built on this fundamental flaw of self created reality ' reality ' . One of the things that happens when you learn that someone you love is a psychopath , is the slow stripping away of that self created reality . I have found that the lies / illusions and truths are most often mixed together , and not always so easy to decipher at first . I don 't mean that it is difficult to understand logically , but that it is difficult to ' get it ' - the pieces all fit together but it still doesn 't make sense . And then the ' self created ' truths begin to erode , some slowly and some so quickly that the rest of you doesn 't quite know what happened . In a blink of an eye , you have lost something you believed was true and real - a treasured moment is illuminated and stolen away . Yesterday my son found a picture of himself when he was just a baby , which began the inevitable discussion of what he was like as a baby . My kids love those stories ! The onslaught of baby stories eventually brought up questions about what their sister was like when she was a baby . Its amazing , how in just a blink of an eye everything changes , and it takes the best part of a few days for the rest of you to catch up to that change . That 's what happened yesterday . I was telling them how , when Kathy was born , the doctor put her on my stomach to hold . The cord was still attached , and she was all slimy ( this drew a fair amount of ' yuck ' and ' ew 's ) . I was so excited to have a girl ! I was going to be a single mom and was scared to death of parenting a boy - I had no experience with boys , but I knew how to be a girl . . . so I was thrilled I had a girl and she looked so healthy , all her fingers and toes in all the right places . My life to that point had been difficult , and I was so happy to have someone in my life who I could love and would love me back . That had been the reason I kept this baby , and didn 't give her up for adoption . Ultimately I was selfish . I wanted to be loved . I thought that I could love this little miracle and she would love back and that would make the world alright . So when I looked down at this brand new life and she lookIt was one of those defining moments . You know , one of those moments that changes you , that wraps itself around your soul and changes you . I loved that moment . I loved that baby and the little girl she grew into and I still love her now , even after everything that has happened . " But Mom , psychopaths don 't have emotions do they ? " my son asked me . He was right . Psychopaths do not have the physical capacity to for love . That was a defining moment . A black truth that wraped itself around my soul and changed everything ! And as I sit here , I am thinking about how quickly she responded to my smile , and smiled back - how the rest of my relationship with her was built upon that moment . I wanted to be loved , more than anything and in that moment and each that followed I chose to believe that she loved me too . The reality of that moment is much more sinister once the illusion is stripped away . Now as I recount the birth of Kathy , I realize just how quickly nature takes over . Since a psychopath cannot love , this was not love she showed me . Instead it was instinct . I feel awed and frightened by that nature ! She was a brand new born infant , that had no capacity to love or be happy , and she smiled at me . Of course she was mimicking what she saw me doing . Mimicking is a part of the psychopaths nature as it allows them to ' fit in ' and get what they want - even as an infant . I don 't know if you can understand how bone chilling that thought is . How right from birth a psychopath is a predator , and how easy it is for them to fit in . Who doesn 't want to hold precious those memories of our children being born ? Or of a childs first steps towards you , first words , or any of those moments that made you laugh or cry ? I realize now that right from birth my daughter was a predator , and how easy it was for me to wrap lies in truths and call them ' reality ' . I have learned a great deal about psychopaths lately , and just as much about myself . Life has certainly not turned out the way I thought it would . That little new born baby so delicate and fragile , now grown into a young woman , was not what I expected . As I glimpse the real me , why I chose to believe the things I have believed , I find that I am not what I expected either . It 's surprising just how many psychopaths are out there . From what I understand one percent of people are psychopaths - that 's one in a hundred . In a city of one million people that is 10 , 000 psychopaths . This means that there is a good chance that you have bumped into one or two sometime during your lifetime , maybe you even know a couple , work with one or have dated some , married one or had one teach your children math . Who knows ? They often blend into society quite well and seem just ' a little quirky ' . Not all psychopaths are like Jeffrey Dahmer , some are very successfull blue collar workers , and many of them don 't even know who they are ! Just one percent of psychopaths are female . That means of the 10 , 000 psychopaths in a small city , only 100 are female . I don 't know why that is , its a bit of a stereotype though haahah . Yah , I know , bad humour ! From what I understand , the intelligence level of most psychopaths is just above or below average . A small percent of them have a high IQ and an even smaller percent have a very high IQ . I don 't know why that is either , perhaps there is some link between learning and emotions that we have not fully discovered yet . I would like to talk about that in more detail later , but for now suffice to say that my daughter is ' unusual ' , even for a psychopath . She would be one percent of one percent . So , of the 100 psychopathic females out of one million persons , there is only 1 that has higher than average intelligence . That 's Kathy - one in a million . Kathy doesn 't yet know that she is a ' psychopath ' and that is a great thing . Once she has a label to put to those things that make her ' different ' , she can research what that means . It would not take long for her to accept and embrace these differences and have the excuse she is looking for , to leave behind the last bonds of civilized society . In other words , she is looking for an excuse to embrace her unique , preditorial self and that would be it . Kathy is young , and has lived in a somewhat controlled environment where she mimicked those around her - who have been pretty descent human beings . She is only starting to ' come into being ' , as one of our psychiatrists put it . He wanted us to pay him $ 160 per hour so that he could watch the process . " Its rare to have such an opportunity and I would love to see the development of a ' young ' psychopath " . Ya , that 's a story for another day too . But the point of all this is that she is still trying a little bit , to fit into society - the edges of society , but she has not yet left the bonds of all societal rules . She lies , cheats , steals , will have sex with anyone as long as she gets what she wants out of it , manipulates , lies some more , makes up stories , and did I mention she lies ? But , she has not yet killed . Maybe we will be lucky and she wont . Who knows . When she tried to have our other children killed , she got other people to do it for her . I told you she was smart , smart enough to not want to get caught . She terrorized our family right from the center of it , without our even knowing . Of course all the signs were there , but we just did not want to know . I just could not fathom that my child , that little person born from my body , who I loved so dearly , who put her arms around my neck and hugged me , and took her first steps towards me and said her first words to me , could want to hurt our family , could PLAN to hurt our family , to kill her brother and sister . Yes , all the signs were there , but my brain and my heart just could not make sense of it , could not accept that truth . And so I pushed the truth to a dark corner wayyy at the back of my mind . It was a feast of fear for her . She , like all psychopaths feed off of other peoples fear . It makes her feel ' smart ' and more powerful than them . She certainly got to feel allot smarter than all of us during that terrible time , and still is . So , Kathy doesn 't know she is a psychopath and we cannot tell her . As long as she doesn 't know , it buys us time . Once she realizes her place in society , she can be a predator without the confines of trying to fit in . There must be other people who are going through a similar experience . . there must be at least one other family who can understand ! I have never been a person who believed in support groups , I thought that support groups were for people without friends . I was wrong . There are only a hand full of people in my life that know about what is going on . Some of them have spent hours talking and caring for us , some avoid us for a variety of ' reasons ' . I don 't blame them . What gets me , what really stings is that look in their eyes - some days its enough to knock my legs out from under me . You know the look , its as if someone I loved has died but wont stay in the grave - sadness , fear and pity all tied up into one little look . Ahhhhhhhhh ! ! ! ! ! So , every day I fear that someone will try to kill my husband and / or children . Every day I hope and pray that today is not the day . I know without any doubt that the day will come again , but please God , DO NOT LET IT BE TODAY ! Each day I try to support my family in feeling safe and finding a healthy state of mind , body and emotions . Each day I play the ' pretend ' game with a predator who cannot know that I know who she is , each day I love her and hate her and wonder which day I will hate her more than I love her . Each day I wonder , why ? So , are you out there ? Have you had to live with a psychopath ? I would love to hear from you , to know that we are not alone . Maybe we can help each other , give each other suggestions and pointers ? Who knows , right ? Okay , this is NOT me . I cannot publish a photo of me , in case my daughter see 's this blog . This is the closest I could find : - ) Hi there , my name is Betty , I am married and have three children ages 18 , 12 , 11 . My oldest daughter just turned 18 and is a psychopath who has , at times , tried to kill my other children . There are no support groups for families of psychopath 's , and it isnt something you just tell people . . . it tends to scare them away . So , this blog is a place where I can vent and express my life , and maybe if I am lucky I will find some peace . This is not my husband . Publishing a photo of my husband could cost us our lives , or the lives of our children . So this photo will have to do . |
I 'm a little bummed , though . You know I used to make all these scarves for a charity called Scarves From The Heart . They deliver them to cancer patients at a treatment center near where they are located . But when I went to the website to get the address , apparently they 've dismembered , or disbanded , or disengaged , or whatever charities do when they shut down . Whatever you call it , they aren 't there any more . So , now I need to find a new charity to send my scarves to . Speaking of scarves , I just realized I never showed you Beverly 's finished cowl . I can now that she 's got it . Oh , and my sister sent me some bear sausage . Well , something like a slim jim , only made with bear meat . I haven 't opened them yet . She also sent me some of that really good fireweed jelly that she makes . I 'm almost tempted to move to Alaska myself , just to get some more of that stuff . My younger brother and sister in law sent me a gift card to Amazon . com , so what did I do but buy a book . Uglies , by Scott Westerfield . Everybody gets to be supermodel gorgeous . What could be wrong with that ? Tally is about to turn sixteen , and she can 't wait . Not for her license But Tally 's new friend Shay isn 't sure she wants to be pretty . She 'd rather risk life on the outside . When Shay runs away , Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world - - and it isn 't very pretty . The authorities offer Tally the worst choice she can imagine : find her friend and turn her in , or never turn pretty at all . The choice Tally makes changes her world forever . It is the first of a series , but I haven 't bought the second book yet . Next up on the reading list is The Handmaid 's Tale , by Margaret Atwood . I 'll let you know how it goes . My Mammaw had a nativity set . I don 't remember us having one in our house , but Mammaw did . When we would go over to her house , she always had the figures spread out in a lovely little tableau that frankly , just didn 't make sense to my childish logic . I would move the pieces closer , inside the stable , crowded around the baby so that they could see him . Because that 's what they 'd really be doing . They 'd want to see the baby . Mammaw got on to me about it one time , and I said , " But Mammaw , they want to see the baby . They can 't see him way out there . " She never said another word , but she 'd put them back after I had gone home . We got a Pong game the first year it came out . You had to wire it into your TV where the antenna hooked up . It was harder to play than it looked . It seems so primitive now , but it was all the rage when it came out . Even though our family was by no means wealthy , we got some pretty cool toys . I know a lot of people talk about being disappointed that they didn 't get what they wanted , but I don 't remember ever not getting what I 'd asked for . Christmas was always good at our house . I wish I had some old photos to go with this post , but most of them were ruined in the hurricane . I think a lot of the original home movies were destroyed , too , so I 'm glad my dad and I took the time to transfer them to video . I had my copies here with me , so they 're still OK . Thinking at first that my DVD player had gone crazy and was spinning the disc spinner thingy , I turned it off , but the buzzing noise continued . Then I thought it was my old movie camera , so I made sure it was turned off . It was , and the buzzing noise continued , still . Listening carefully , I realized it was coming from outside . I opened my front door , and it was a car horn . My first thought was that the people across the street were being annoying . They do have a teenager , after all . But no , it wasn 't coming from their house . It was coming from Cody 's truck . You know , my son Cody , who is in Texas right now . Not that he would have known what to do anyway . He 's not very mechanically minded is he . My first thought was to disconnect the battery , but I had to call James - - who is also in Texas - - to tell me where a wrench or channel locks or something is , because all my tools have mysteriously disappeared . He tells me to take the fuse out , but I don 't know where the fuse box is , and it 's too dark to try to find it . Then he tells me to disconnect the horn wire , but I don 't know where the horn is . So I finally get a wrench and pull the negative battery cable off . And finally , we have blessed quiet once again . Then I texted Cody and told him his truck was demon possessed . Seriously , though , I hope it 's something that can be fixed easily and inexpensively . He needs his truck . When I was a child , I 'd always wanted to have my Christmas tree in the front window of my house , so that I could see it from the street . Our house just wasn 't designed for this , though . Our living room did have a big window , but it didn 't face the street . It faced our next door neighbor 's garage . But that one Christmas . . . that Christmas of 1998 , I decided that by golly , I was going to have my tree in that front window , no matter how much of a major undertaking it was . That was the year I fulfilled my childhood dream . That was the year I had my tree in the front window . That was the year we had no electricity on Christmas Day , because that was the year of the big ice storm . I remember it like it was yesterday . Christmas was on a Friday that year , and I 'd saved enough vacation to be off of work for that whole week . The storm started on Tuesday . It had been so hot all day , with a strong South wind blowing . It was so strong that I had to close all my Southern facing windows , but that made it miserably hot inside the house . We were watching A Muppet Christmas Carol when the wind hit . I could hear it coming , screaming like a banshee across the pasture , and when it hit , the whole house shook . The temperature dropped 20 degrees in as many minutes . Sometime during the night , the rain started . By the time we woke up Wednesday morning , there was already a pretty heavy layer of ice on everything . Cody was down with a cold , but he really , really wanted to go out and knock icicles off of stuff . I bundled him up well , and let him go out for about 20 minutes , then made him come back in and drink hot chocolate . As the day wore on , and the rain continued to fall , I began to hear branches creaking and popping . I opened my front door and looked out , just in time to see the entire top of my across the street neighbor 's tree fall out . About 15 minutes later , James came knocking on my door . I 'd already put Cody to bed , but it seemed the better part of valor to get him up and go next door . After I 'd gotten him settled into bed over there , I helped James hook up their generator . About an hour later , the electricity went out , and didn 't come back on for 5 days . It took even longer for the temperature to get above freezing . It was so cold that we used Beverly 's screened porch as an extra freezer . Seriously . That evening , Christmas Eve , we opened the gifts that we would normally open with Beverly and James . I had to run back to our house to leave a note for Santa , letting him know where Cody would be that night . Well , Santa got that note , because he brought Cody 's presents to the right house . You know , back in 1998 , that 's when times were good . We got lots of presents that year , and they were all at our house . I 'd got a big garbage bag , and would trudge to the house and get a load of gifts . We 'd open them , then I 'd go back and get some more . It took about 5 trips to bring all the presents over . In a way , it was good , because we were able to make the excitement last a little longer . In a way , it was bad , because by that time , I had caught Cody 's cold , and was getting sicker by the minute . As if that weren 't enough , James had gone back to work that morning , so I had to run out and check the generator oil , and keep it gassed up . But Michael was on his way . They lived in Atlanta at that time , and were coming for a visit . They had to wait until Christmas Day to come , because one of them ( I don 't remember which one ) had had to work Christmas Eve . I tell you , I was never so glad to see Mike as I was that day . By the time they got here , my fever was up to 102 ' , and I was miserable . But now that he was home , he could check the generator , and I could just lay on the couch and be sick . Which I did - - for the next three days . Also , we invited a single mom to come for dinner , because she didn 't have any electricity either . She , her older daughter , and a friend came . They had been cooking stuff on top of their wood insert , so they were glad to get a real meal . My mother had sent me the first few of the Left Behind books , and the daughter grabbed the first one and read the whole time they were there . I don 't remember where the younger daughter was . She may have been with her dad that year . After our electricity was back on , James took the generator out to their house and hooked it up for them so they could have some heat . When theirs got turned back on , he took it to another house , and so on until everyone had power again . Which brings us to today . What with the young - un all grown up and gone and all , I was feeling pretty nostalgic , so I dug out my old home movies and watched a few of them . While it was fun looking back at times past , without those movies , all of those Christmases past just seemed to run together . In the winter of 1863 , America was in the midst of a great and terrible Civil War . A war in which brother killed brother , and fathers fought against sons . The nation was divided , and on the verge of falling apart . Henry Wadsworth Longfellow had recently lost his wife in a house fire , and his son - - who had joined the army in defiance of his father - - lay severely wounded . It was in this context that Longfellow , in his despair , wrote a poem he called Christmas Bells . We know it today as I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day . I heard the bells on Christmas Day Today , our country face much the same despair as in Longfellow 's time . We are as divided as we have ever been in our history . We are facing almost certain economic collapse . There is corruption in our government beyond what our forefathers ever could have imagined . Indeed , we already live under more tyranny than they fought to overthrow . And there is an undercurrent of unrest among the population , leading some to believe that we may be facing another civil war . Yet , we have the same hope that existed in Longfellow 's time . God is not dead nor does he sleep . The wrong shall fail . The right prevail . With peace on Earth , good will to men . Give up your own guns first . Or at least stop making such ultraviolent movies that glorify guns and killing . Or praising cop killers in your nasty rap lyrics . I didn 't take nearly as many pictures this year as I usually do . I got enough to prove that Christmas came , then I decided instead to just put the camera down and enjoy the time spent with family . Today has been kinda weird , in that it feels like the day after Christmas . I did save a couple of presents to open Christmas morning , but here is my loot from last night : FEET PAJAMAS ! ! ! I didn 't sleep in them last night , but I did wear them around the house this morning until it warmed up some . I really do like them , but I 'm almost afraid to sleep in them because they are fleece . Night sweats and fleece feet pajamas simply do not go together . It 's supposed to get cold again next week , so I may try to sleep in them one night . The bad news is , I didn 't get any of my siblings ' presents mailed . You know , there was that whole end of the world thing going on , and I sure wasn 't going to go to the post office if the world was about to end . Well , that 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Posted by Be not deceived , God is not mocked . And because we 're all just here by random chance , there is no Creator , and because there is no Creator , there is no accountability , and because there is no accountability , there are no consequences , and because there are no consequences , there is no right or wrong , so if it feels good do it , and if it 's right for you , it 's right , and people ought to be able to live the way they want to , and " DON ' T JUDGE ME ! ! ! " Don 't you judge me . . . And we 've bought into the lie that unless our children are perfectly happy all the time , we are failures as parents , so we become their pals instead their parents because we want them to like us , and we give them everything their little hearts desire , and indulge their every whim , and our child must be the special one , so we have mothers murdering teenage girls so her daughter can have that spot on the cheerleading squad , and we have daddies shooting little league coaches because his son wasn 't getting enough playing time , and we have parents killing teachers for giving their precious darling a failing grade . And our kids see this . Our kids see our example , so we have children killing each other over t - shirts and tennis shoes , or because he was wearing the wrong hat , or because the music was too loud . Sandy Hook Elementary School , Newtown , Connecticut . Be not deceived , God is not mocked . Then we sit back and act all shocked and surprised , and wonder how could this have happened when our children end up becoming exactly what we 've taught them to be . It all started yesterday . There was this guy hanging around the line . He looked familiar , but I can 't really remember ever having seen him before . I looked at him a minute , trying to place him , but couldn 't , so I went back to work . After a couple of minutes , I noticed him waving . Thinking he was waving at someone behind me , I ignored him . The next time I looked up , he waved again . I looked behind me , but there was no one there . Again , I ignored him and went back to work . He walked over to my brazing stand and said , in a very snotty , condescending tone , " Make sure you 're using your purging gas . You act like no one has ever told you that before . " Because apparently I was supposed to get that out of him indiscriminately waving his hand around . . . Nevertheless , that was entirely the wrong thing to say . " No , " I replied . " I was just wondering who you are . " He told me that he was the inspector over our line for the rest of the week . Knowing I only had 2 days left , I decided to just ignore him until our regular inspector got back after Christmas . Which brings us to today . I was at my stand , doing my work , minding my own business , off in my own little world , when I look up and see this guy just glaring at me . Face all scrunched up , neck poked out , eyes squinted . The works . I guess he was trying to intimidate me . It didn 't work . Dude , I have a CAT . I get that look a thousand times a day . If you want to intimidate me , you 're going to have to do better than that . But , seeing his attempts at making a face , I kind of did a double take , then burst out laughing . Still giggling , I went back to my work , still bent on ignoring the kid . At that point , the guy - - now remember , I had never seen this guy before yesterday , and had been ignoring him ever since - - but he walks up to me and says , I guess that 's where the expression peckerhead comes from . " What makes you think I was looking at you ? " I asked . " I never said anything to you . I wasn 't looking at you . I wasn 't thinking about you . " " Then go away and do it , Little Temp " , I said . ( The guy isn 't even ADP . He 's a temporary employee . If you ask me , temps shouldn 't be given positions of authority over full time folks . ) The more I thought about it , the madder I got , so I went and turned him in . When I told the supervisor what he 'd said , he dropped his pen . He couldn 't believe that this kid had said that , and agreed with me that it was totally inappropriate . He came back and told me that they 'd taken him up to HR and had a " conversation " about the situation . Later , my friend Billy came up to me and asked what I 'd done to the auditor down there , so I told him the story . He laughed and said , " I told him ' You 're lucky she didn 't beat your * * * into the ground ' . " You have no idea how hard it was not to do that . . . He came back later and said , " I 'll bet you he doesn 't say anything else . They chewed him up one side and down the other . " The plan was to come home and make at least one batch of cookies , but nope . It just didn 't happen . I was too tired to really do anything . All the plans I had for this evening went by the wayside , except for one . I did watch The Homecoming . Still , so many of my favorite Christmas movies I haven 't had time to watch yet . But since tomorrow is my last day of work , that 's the plan . Bake cookies and watch movies . And I hope to get caught up with all these blog posts I have rattling around in my head . TMI warning , but it 's not too bad . About a year ago , I started taking those women 's vitamins . You know , the ones that are supposed to keep you from having hot flashes and night sweats and mood swings and all that ? Well , they did that , but they also seemed to turn off my brain . I stopped dreaming , I stopped writing . I lost all my creativity . A couple of weeks ago , I stopped taking them . I tell you , it 's been like coming out of a fog . Speaking of Christmas shows , I 've been tuning in to ABCFamily 's 25 Days Of Christmas , and it 's been a bit of a disappointment . Seems that the only three Christmas shows they 've ever heard of are Home Alone , Disney 's Christmas Carol , and The Polar Express . They keep showing those three over and over , and over and over again . Why ? There are so many to choose from ! I 'd love to see Christmas Every Day , but my station doesn 't show it . I read on GetGlue . com that other people are getting to see it , but just not here . Bummed . That was one of my favorites . I have it on VHS , but no longer have a VHS player since mine went out last month . The usual suspects : Turkish Delight , chocolate fudge , and peanut butter fudge . Tomorrow , I 'll start on the cookies : Snickerdoodles , gumdrop cookies , cherry kisses . I also made a clove and orange pomander . I have one more orange , so I 'll do another one , too . The last Christmas gift is wrapped , and I 've got two more days of work until I 'm off for the rest of the year . Right now , though , I have to go stop the cat from eating the garland around my front door . Oops , didn 't make it in time , and now she 's puking it up all over the kitchen floor . And everything was going so well . . . And I 've always known he 'd written poetry , too , but never really took the time to read any of it . Recently , I was introduced to one of Kipling 's poems , and just fell in love with it . Thank you , Bill Whittle . So , here I present it to you : The Gods Of The Copybook Headings . It was written in 1919 , but it 's amazing how relevant it is today . ( If you don 't know what a copybook heading is , click the link above . Bill explains it right before he reads the poem to you . ) And the Gods of the Copybook Headings , I notice , outlast them all . We were living in trees when they met us . They showed us each in turn And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said : " The Wages of Sin is Death . " In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all , By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul ; But , though we had plenty of money , there was nothing our money could buy , And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said : " If you don 't work you die . " Then the Gods of the Market tumbled , and their smooth - tongued wizards withdrew For years , I 've used a photo hosting site called Webshots . Not only did I post my own photos to my albums there , but they also had daily professional photos that you could download and use as screensavers . I liked this service so much that I even upgraded to the premium membership . A few weeks ago , Webshots announced that their owners - - American Greetings - - had decided to delete the site . I don 't remember what their reasoning was , but they no longer felt that it was profitable or something , and were going to take it down . Instead of losing the site completely , some of the admins pooled their money and bought it from AG . But it 's not the same . I don 't know why they didn 't get it as is , but now it looks like something from a Jr High computer literacy class project . Yeah , all my photos are still on the site , but they are no longer organized into the albums I had them in . If I want a specific photo , now I have to search through a something like 4000 + photos , all in one giant stream . Not only that , I can 't choose specific photos to be in my screen saver the way I could before . So , instead of my Christmas and Winter photos , EVERY photo I 've ever taken is now rotating through my screen saver . Very amateurish . But probably the worst of all - - all the photos I 'd hotlinked from the site are now no longer available . As of now , there is no way to hotlink the photos that are still on the site , so to replace the photos , say on my blog , I 'm going to have to get all my photos uploaded to another site like Flickr or Photobucket , then hotlink each one individually to get them back onto my blog . That is going to take some time , and be a total pain in the patootie . And it would have been nice if they 'd given us a little warning . Posted by P . S . I don 't like the way YouTube is now . When I try to share a song from my playlist , it links to the entire playlist . I have to search for each song individually to share just one song . Blech . Put it back ! Posted by I 'm going to look for one tomorrow at Wal - Mart . If I can 't find one there , I 'll order this one from Amazon . com . And if that doesn 't work , I 've got plenty of lights left . I buy them obsessively on clearance each year after Christmas . But I 'd rather not have to partially undecorate the tree to change out the lights if I don 't have to . We 'll see . . . Now , about all that brazing rod you are claiming I am leaving laying around . . . Shortly after you got moved to our line , I brought the group leader , the shift supervisor , and the production superintendent over to show them the rod that was being left in the trays and on the table that is now behind us . I also showed them a large amount of rod that had been thrown in the garbage . I confirmed with the production superintendent this morning that he did indeed remember this . " I absolutely do remember it " were his exact words . That morning , the group leader also made a note on the chart about the bits of rod not being used up . In case you were unaware , those charts , and the comments left on them , are entered into the computer in the Quality office at the end of each day . The relevant chart can easily be retrieved to prove that what I am saying is correct . I 'm not quite sure why you are suddenly trying to imply that I am the one leaving all the pieces of brazing rod in the trays , but you aren 't fooling anyone . We all know where that rod is coming from . Now , I don 't know who you are trying to impress - - or intimidate - - by leaving all these notes , but it 's not going to work . I 'm not impressed , and I will not be intimidated . So , here is my proposed solution to your problem : Yep . Just do your job , and I 'll just do mine . You tend your business , and I will tend mine . You make sure you are doing what is right , and I will do the same . You stop leaving all these childish little notes , and I won 't take this matter to the front office , and we 'll all just try to get along , OK ? I heard you Sunday night , during the Cowboys game , using the tragic death of Javon Belcher and his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins to speak out against the so called " gun culture " of this country . It 's the " gun culture " , you implied , that is responsible for these deaths . If Javon Belcher hadn 't had a gun , he and Kasandra Perkins would still be alive , you claim . There is something I 'd like for you to clear up for me , though . When Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were found with their throats slashed , why didn 't you speak out against the knife culture ? OJ didn 't have a gun , yet Nicole and Ronald are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Andrea Yates drowned her five children , why didn 't you speak out against the bathtub culture ? Andrea didn 't have a gun , yet those five babies are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When James Byrd was dragged to his death , why didn 't you speak out against the pickup trucks on country roads culture ? Shawn Berry , Lawrence Brewer , and John King didn 't have a gun , and yet James Byrd is still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Timothy McVeigh blew up the Alfred P . Murrah building in Oklahoma City , why didn 't you speak out against the rental truck culture ? McVeigh didn 't have a gun , yet those 168 people are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When 19 terrorists hijacked four jets and flew them into three buildings and a field in Pennslyvania * , why didn 't you speak out against the airplane culture ? Not one of those men had a gun , yet those nearly 3000 people who died that day are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Ki Suk Han was shoved in to his death on the subway tracks in New York , why didn 't you speak out against the subway culture ? The man who pushed him didn 't have a gun , yet Ki Suk Han is still dead . So , how did that happen ? You see here the fallacy of your argument . You are blaming the gun for the action of the man holding it . These are but a few well known examples of murders committed without using guns . In fact , the majority of murders in the United States don 't involve guns at all . You could take away all the guns in the land and people would still kill people , because murder originates in the heart . What we must do to reduce violence is to change the heart . How do we do that ? Well , it won 't be easy , and it won 't happen overnight , but perhaps we could start by hanging signs in our schoolrooms that say : not the " gun culture " that is responsible for Javon Belcher 's death , and that of his girlfriend . It 's the abortion culture that is responsible , because it teaches us that human life is cheap , and that if that life is inconvenient , then it is OK to just kill it . It 's the evolution culture that teaches us that we are no more than glorified apes , no better than any bug or worm that crawls through the mud . Then you act surprised when people act like the animals you teach us we are . It is the abortion culture that teaches us that we are not set apart , that we are not created in God 's image , because it teaches that there is no God . And if there is no God , there is no judgement . If there is no judgement , there is no accountability , so what is to stop us from killing with impunity ? It is the entitlement culture that teaches us that we can do whatever we want , take whatever we want , no matter who it hurts . It 's not this mythical " gun culture " that is responsible , because it simply doesn 't exist . If Javon Belcher hadn 't had a gun , he and the girl baseball bat . Or he would have choked her to death , and then jumped off a bridge or a tall building . It 's not the gun that is responsible . Just ask Nicole Brown Simpson . Guns don 't kill people any more than a word processor makes you a moron . The desire , no , the need to knit is one that has been with me as long as I can remember , and I 'm so glad I persevered in spite of all the people who tried to talk me out of it . Knitting is too hard . Knitting isn 't easy . It 's just not . . . . here , try crochet instead . Yes , here we have three washcloths with the initials of three of my cousins on them . They are for Christmas . Now , these three cousins have never come to my blog before , but knowing my luck , today will be the ONE DAY they decide to visit . And Merry Christmas ! ! Oh , and I learned something I didn 't know . Sears used to have their own brand of yarn . Sears brand yarn . They really did sell everything . Which reminds me of how much I miss the old Sears catalogs . But that 's another post for another time . . . I 've decided to knit washcloths with people 's initials on them as part of their Christmas presents . Good thing they are quick to knit . We 'll see how many I can get done in time . All in all , it was a good Thanksgiving , even though the Cowboys and the Longhorns both lost . I was a little bummed that my old VCR went out , so I couldn 't watch my Mayflower movie . I really wish they would put that one out in an updated format . Today , and every day , I am thankful for strong , courageous leaders who will not back down from evil . I 'm thankful for a president who , when his country is attacked , doesn 't apologize to his attackers , but defends his people and his country , even though the media the world over tries to paint him as the aggressor . Obviously , I 'm not talking about our president . I 'm talking about a man whose country has been struck with more than 8000 rockets in the last 12 years , and has fought back , even though he 's been virtually abandoned by everyone who called himself his ally . I 'm also thankful for two men who , when their countrymen came under attack , defied orders to stand down and went to their aid anyway - - knowing that they probably wouldn 't come out alive . I 'm thankful that they had the skills , and the strength , and the stamina to battle for hours upon hours , all the while calling for help that would never come . These are the kinds of men we need in the world today . These are the men we need to hold up to our children as heroes . These are the men we need to try to emulate in our own lives . integrity of the electoral process , which has become corrupt beyond that of third world dictatorships . Even if he loses the battle , at least he had the courage and integrity to stand strong and fight for what is right . That 's more than can be said for a lot of people these days . For Colonel Allen West , and men like him , I am very thankful . I know some people do this all month long , but I 'm just not that industrious . So every day this week , I 'm going to post something I 'm thankful for . While I am thankful for my faith and family , everybody mentions those . So I 'm going to head in a different direction with this . You 'll see what I mean . Today , I 'm thankful that our forefathers were made of sterner stuff than we are . Yes , signing the Declaration of Independence was an act of treason . They signed it anyway . These days people are afraid to attach their names to an unofficial peititon , because " the government might know " . People today are going off the grid . Hunkering down in their bunkers . Hiding out until it 's all over . Bowing down and meekly submitting to the chains of socialism . Yes , a real book with those weird paper pages that you have to ummm . . . . turn . Yeah , that 's the word . It was recommended to me by someone on Facebook , and since they didn 't have a Kindle edition , I ordered the paperback . Since they were going to have to ship it to me anyway , I threw in two of my favorite Christmas movies . Christmas With The Kranks is based on the short novel Skipping Christmas , by John Grisham . Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis play Luther and Nora Krank , whose only child Blair has joined the Peace Corps and has gone to Peru for two years . They decide to save all the money they would have spent on Christmas and go on a cruise , much to the chagrin of their neighborhood . It didn 't get very good reviews , but I really liked the movie . I liked it enough to buy it , obviously . Of course , the book was better , but then , books usually are . Seasons Of The Heart is one of my all time favorite movies . I 've checked it out from the church library so many times that I told the library chairman that I might as well just buy it . So , I did . It follows the story of Jed and Martha Richards back in the 1800s who leave their home to settle the American West . Along the way , their two little daughters die , leaving a big hole in their lives . Then one day the preacher brings an orphaned boy , Danny , to see if Jed and Martha can take him in and give him a home . Jed soon comes to love the boy as his son , but Martha just can 't accept him . She constantly compares the boy to her two golden haired girls , and he can 't seem to do anything right , until a miracle happens one snowy Christmas eve . I can 't recommend this movie enough . * Warning , have the tissues handy . In other news , I did manage to clear enough space in the refrigerator to get the turkeydactyl in . Doing so , I discovered that my whole crisper cabinet came out . I knew the drawer would come out , but I didn 't know the casing around the drawer also came out . It sure made cleaning it a whole lot easier . I also took the time to go pull all the dead stuff out of my flower bed , but I haven 't raked up the mulch yet . I 'm going to take it up and spread it around my back steps , where it stays perpetually muddy all winter long . I 'm hoping I can build that area up a bit so it won 't be quite so gloppy . And I spent the rest of the day watching football and knitting . I watched the Arkansas / Mississippi State game , then the LSU / Ol ' Miss game . About halfway through the second game , it hit me . Football season is almost over . College football is , at least . Next week is LSU 's last regular season game . The Army / Navy game is December 8th , then that 's it until bowl games start . How could it go by so fast ? It seems like it just got started . I try not to think about things like that . I 've got a contact in New Jersey , and I sent her all the charity hats I 'd made up until now . She found a church on Staten Island who is distributing things to people who lost their stuff in the hurricane . I had to send them to her work address , since she didn 't have her mailbox back up yet . Yes , she 'd been affected by the storm , and was without power for 8 days . Anyway , one of her buddies at work wanted a hat , but she told him no . I said I 'd knit him one just for him , so I cast on this one . I didn 't do it on purpose , but I chose my go to hat pattern : The Hurricane Hat . Ironically appropriate , don 't you think ? Well , for a week at least . We are off all next week and the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend . My plans for the week include such thrilling tasks as pulling the last of the dead plants out of my flower bed . By the way , I 've got one petunia that is still alive and kicking - - even after two hard freezes . Tough old bird , she is . Also , I plan on tackling what used to be Cody 's bedroom and has now become my storage room . It 's a disaster . I 'll let you know how that goes . They did give us another turkeydactyl at work this year . I 'd though about not cooking it , and just buying a smaller turkey , but I changed my mind . I 'll just go ahead and cook it , and buy more freezer containers . Cody won 't be home until Wednesday evening , and I have cast on a new charity hat because . . . Well , I 'll tell you all about that tomorrow . Quote for the day : Balancing the budget is like protecting your virtue . You have to learn to say no . - - Ronald Reagan But this year , I remembered , and I thought a fun little way to mark the occasion - - well , fun for me , for you , maybe not so much - - would be to look back at what I posted each year on my blogoversary . Let 's start with 2005 . Really , has it really been 7 years ? only been drawing a short time - - less than a year . In order to improve my sketching skill , I decided to try to do a quick sketch every day . This is the first of my five minute sketches . It is of my cat Squeaky , drawn as she sat staring into that place only cats can see . 2006 : Today is my blogging anniversary . One year ago today , I took the plunge with this post . I don 't even do my daily sketches any more , but I miss them . I want to get started back to sketching . 2007 : 2008 : Cody had his first JROTC inspection Friday . You know how I know ? Because he came running in at 10 : 00 Thursday night saying he needed his creases ironed into his uniform shirt . Too Little Sleep and not enough excitement in my life leads to boring blog posts . The most colorful thing in my life right now is my Christmas Cactus . There , now , wasn 't that fun ? I thought so , at least . It 's been quite a journey , it was fun reminiscing about old times . Looking at old pictures . Awwwing over how little Cody was when I started . Gratuitous cute puppy pictures of Rylea and Jake . Old photos of Katie . . . When he left Sunday afternoon , he wanted to take his PS3 with him . I 'm not really a game player , so all I was using it for was to watch DVDs and stream Netflix and Amazon . So , he took it , and today I went to the store and got a new DVD / Blu - Ray / streaming thing . I debated a long time which one to get , but finally chose the one I did because it was the only one that had the Amazon symbol on the box . I wanted to make sure I got one that would stream Amazon Instant Videos , because I 'm phasing out my Netflix . I 've already dropped my DVD account , and if Amazon keeps adding more old TV shows , I might end up dropping the streaming account , too . Well , when I got home , a brief moment of panic ensued when I couldn 't find my HDMI cable . I finally located it in what used to be Cody 's room , and has now become my storage room . I really need to get that room cleaned out . At last the errant HDMI cable was located , and the gazillion character WiFi password entered , and we have streaming ! Not just Amazon and Netflix , but YouTube and Pandora , too . And a couple more things I still have to figure out . Back to Thanksgiving , I woke up this morning and realized that after today , I only have two more work days until we get the week off for Thanksgiving . I wonder if they 're going to give us another 20 lb turkey this year . Heck , I still have soup in my deep freeze from two years ago . " THESE are the times that try men 's souls . The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will , in this crisis , shrink from the service of their country ; but he that stands by it now , deserves the love and thanks of man and woman . " It would seem that there are some sunshine patriots in our midst . If you believe it 's over , if you believe America is done , if you believe we might as well bow our heads and submit and affix the shackles to our own ankles , then go from us in peace . May your chains sit lightly upon you and may posterity forget ye were our countrymen . But for those of us who still believe in freedom , for those of us who still love liberty , for those of us who still believe there are ten righteous men , we will take up the flag that you have tossed to the ground . Go from us in peace . We ask not your counsel or arms . I have not yet begun to fight . We will work tirelessly to restore liberty . We will work tirelessly for our children 's and our grandchildren 's future . We will succeed . No , it won 't be easy . No , it won 't happen tomorrow . In fact , it may not happen in our lifetimes , but we will be free again . Because liberty comes from God , and it cannot be taken from us unless we give it up . If you 've given up , then go away . I don 't need your defeatist attitude or your negativity . Because I still believe . It basically says , when you lose a game , you 've got 24 hours to mope and whine . Then it 's time to get over it and start preparing for the next one . We 've had our 24 hours to mope and whine . Now , it 's time to get over it , hitch up our britches and get back into the fight . We lost the election . We did not lose America . We The People are still here . We The People still believe . And We The People will be back . Knowing I had been caught , in a moment of panic , I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind . " And who do you think paid Santa Clause for that bike ? He doesn 't bring stuff for free . Parents have to pay for it . " " He does , honey , " I told him . " But it costs money to make toys . He 's got to pay for the stuff to make them out of . He 's got to buy tools and things to make them with . He 's got to feed his elves , and pay to keep the lights and heat on . He can 't afford to make all those toys if parents don 't pay for them , so we have to send him money for the stuff he brings . ' My little man seemed satisfied with that answer , and I breathed a sigh of relief that I 'd gotten away with that little slip . Better still , he learned a valuable lesson that I hope has stayed - - at least in part - - with him to this day . That nothing is free . Somebody has got to pay for everything . That is a lesson that the electorate of this country have yet to learn . " In a nation of children , when you give them a choice between work and Santa Claus , they are going to vote for Santa Claus . " This nation of children voted for Santa Claus . Heck , they committed FELONIES to vote for Santa Claus . The problem is , Santa Claus doesn 't bring stuff for free . Somebody 's got to pay for what he brings . Half of Americans have been living in Christmas morning for far too long . Soon the bill for their holiday will come due . Where is that money going to come from ? Standard & Poor has downgraded our credit rating twice in the last two years . China won 't loan us any more money , because we 're now considered a bad risk . We can 't tax the rich , because even if we stripped every penny from every person in the country , we couldn 't even fund the government 's bloated appetite for one year , and that wouldn 't leave any thing left for the future . This nation has a $ 16 Trillion debt . In four years , that debt will exceed $ 20 trillion . That amount of debt is simply unsustainable . Add to that the looming threat of Obamacare , and this economy will not sustain itself . It cannot sustain itself . The hard truth is , our economy will collapse . There is no stopping it now . It is inevitable . The only question is , when the money is all gone , and China calls its loan , and we are a nation brought to our knees , who do you think will pay for your Obamaphone then ? Posted by |
They say life imitates art . In fact , there are some who go a step further and say that life is art . But is it taking it too far to say that for some . . . art is life ? While it 's true that artists often claim they feel like they are a part of their creation . . . even perhaps in their work , until someone or something distracts them , snapping them back into the real world , most of them know that their paintings or sculptures are merely a reflection of life - not life itself . An artist cannot create life . . . cannot breath life into his or her work , no matter how lifelike the image . But what if they could . What if one of them could . . . . The paramedics of Los Angeles County Rescue Squad 51 don 't spend much time thinking about art . They think more about the life on the pavement than life on canvas . But not today . Today they will respond to a call where their medical training holds little sway . . . where their lights and sirens will have little effect . Today they will take an abrupt left turn as they yield the right of way in . . . The Twilight Zone . Dawn Gibson finished eating her ham sandwich , then walked into the livingroom of her second - story two - bedroom apartment . The twenty - five year old woman was a loner , her paintings her main activity aside from the job she held as a cashier at a small gift shop . Now she stood in front of one of those paintings , a gloomy depiction of a city with no people visible ; just empty sidewalks and streets , the buildings ' lit windows and a half moon shining eerily down on both . The woman frowned at the incomplete picture on canvas . She wasn 't entirely happy with how it was turning out . It needed something . . . something more to give it character . Suddenly the sound of a siren outside drew her attention to the nearby window . Curious as to what was going on , Dawn watched as a rescue squad stopped across the street where several small stores , businesses and another apartment building lined the sidewalk for several blocks . She noticed people were gathering around as a man lay on the sidewalk outside a deli , clutching his chest , while the paramedics from the squad quickly grabbed their equipment off the truck and set to work . The woman stood rooted in place as she continued to observe the medics in action . Dawn was especially taken by the younger of the two paramedics . She glanced at her dreary empty city streets on canvas and back to the dark - haired man in the sunny weather outside . He and his partner 's presence brought a certain gripping drama to the otherwise bright day . It was then she realized what her artwork needed : the paramedic . He was what she was looking for to give the character that her painting was lacking . She scooted the easel with the partially completed picture on it close to the window . Her paints handy , she quickly began to put John Gage into her design of the dark city streets surrounded by tall buildings and shadowy alleyways . She would have to work fast to get him completely painted in before he left the scene outside . The paramedics from Station 51 's A - shift helped to lift the heart attack victim on a stretcher . After setting the EKG scope and oxygen on the stretcher with the man , Johnny picked up the biophone and drug box , carrying them to the waiting ambulance . Roy walked alongside the patient , the man 's IV in his hand . Johnny set the boxes in the rear of the vehicle and Roy climbed in once the stretcher was placed inside . Gage gave the rear ambulance doors two customary slaps after they were closed and secured . Johnny noticed everyone who 'd been watching them work was now busy or going on their way with disinterest . He turned to trot the short distance to the squad ; it wasn 't there . The paramedic looked around in the sudden darkness . No one was around . Nothing was familiar . The buildings were several stories tall and lined up on both sides of the street . There was a half moon above dimly illuminating the area . Johnny stared in numb shock . Dawn sat back and admired her painting . She 'd captured her subject well . She was able to get him from the side , with just enough of his face showing to display his handsome features . His light blue uniform shirt stood out in stark contrast to the gloomy background of the picture he was now a part of . Since she had to rush to get the paramedic into the picture , Dawn wasn 't able to complete the rest of the painting first . She frowned at the white section on the left side of the picture where the canvas was still visible . The young woman dabbed one of her brushes in the paint on her pallet . It was time to complete the picture . Then the paramedic would be a part of it forever . She would add the art work to the gallery of her other ones she 'd done that were in a spare room . Dawn smiled at the thought of being able to sit and look at the hero on the dark streets of the city when ever her heart desired . He would be hers now . Roy got out of the rear of the ambulance at Rampart and helped to remove the stretcher with the patient from the vehicle . As the attendants wheeled the man into the ER , Roy quickly walked alongside , holding the IV bag . He 'd expected his partner to catch up within a few seconds , but there was no sign of him yet . Now that he gave it more thought , Roy didn 't recall the squad ever being in sight behind them on the way in . Passersby on the street gave curious glances to the empty squad parked nearby . The key was still in the ignition and the red lights on top rotated continuously within their casing . Across the street , a four - year - old boy named Ryan tugged on his mother 's sleeve to get her attention . " Mommy . . . mommy . . . " " Okay , sweetie , " she humored him . " I 'm sure he 'll reappear soon . He has to get his truck . " She grabbed a hold of the child 's hand and continued on walking . A man who 'd seen Johnny close and secure the ambulance doors , turned his gaze away briefly to look at his watch . When he looked up again , the paramedic was gone . The man now was still debating whether to call for someone over the radio in the squad . He walked closer to the truck and looked inside . Roy came out of the treatment room and walked over to Dixie 's desk . The head nurse smiled as she looked up . " Hi , Roy ! " She glanced around . " Where 's your partner at ? " Dawn paused in her work and stared longingly at the paramedic 's image . There was something about him that made the man desirable . Snapping out of her thoughts , Dawn continued on with painting the scenery . As she worked , the young woman thought about what her subject might think of his new home . Johnny looked up at the tall buildings surrounding him . Light coming from some of the windows shown onto the street and dark sky . He still had no idea how he 'd gotten where he was . And it sure It didn 't look like any place he 'd ever been to . More like what he expected New York City to be like . Except there were no crowds ; no one out to see Broadway shows . And no traffic . He was the only soul on the street . No one even appeared to be inside the buildings , unless they were hiding well . As he slowly walked down the sidewalk , Johnny felt like he was in a maze , the tall buildings that lined the streets creating a canyon like effect . " Some where there 's gotta be a way out , " Johnny mumbled to himself . " Hello ? " The paramedic yelled . His voice echoed in the emptiness . " Hello ! Anybody here ? " He hollered a bit louder . Again he was just met with his own echo . As he turned a corner , he stepped into complete blackness . It was as if everything had suddenly disappeared . In an effort to stop himself from taking an ill - fated step , Johnny flailed his arms to keep his balance as he tried to back - pedal his way to solid ground . But as quick as the ground had ended , a new sidewalk began to grow under his feet . The paramedic watched in stunned amazement as the white concrete seemed to show up in quick flashes , first one section then another , as if placed there by the stroke of a paint brush . Soon the street appeared in front of him in the darkness as well . He continued to watch in awe as another building took form in the same quick manner , the windows already lit as each floor developed . Though the brick building had a more sketchy appearance than the others , Johnny 's mouth hung open in wonder . The paramedic could only think of one explanation . Somehow someone had to have slipped him a hallucinatory drug . He looked down at the new sidewalk that was underneath his feet . It 's still here . . . so is all this real ? Johnny sighed . He had to be grateful he was on firm ground . . . for now . He just hoped Roy would show up in his nightmare soon and get him out of it . The man near the squad had left the radio alone for the time being . He stood in place and glanced around at the various people in the area , hoping to spot the missing fireman . He has to be somewhere nearby . He couldn 't have just disappeared . . . The man looked at his watch . It had been twenty minutes since the paramedic vanished . He decided it was time to contact authorities and let them know something was amiss . The senior paramedic came out of his thoughts and saw Dixie McCall standing in front of him , concern on her face . " I don 't know . I just got a call from - - " He stopped his explanation when was interrupted . " HT 51 , LA Dispatch . " " 10 - 4 , Dispatch . " He looked at the very puzzled nurse . " Someone reported the squad abandoned where we treated Mr . Simmons . " He shrugged , not sure what to say . " Johnny 's gone . " Dawn sat back and smiled at her completed work of art . With the additional empty streets and building in the painting , the fireman looked that much more vulnerable . One lone hero to fend for himself . She got up from her stool and headed for the kitchen to get a drink of iced tea . As she opened the refrigerator , there was a knock at the front door . Dawn let the fridge close on its own , and returned to the livingroom . Dawn didn 't respond , though she had forgotten . Instead she quickly and gently placed a dark cloth cover over the painting , being sure not to smudge or smear it , then went to the door and opened it , exaggerating a wide smile . She had no desire to go to the party . She 'd much rather stay home and make sure she was happy with every detail of her new work of art . But her mother had been on her lately about spending too much time alone and this was a way for Dawn to get her mother off her back . Deidre Gibson glanced at her watch . She was right on time so her daughter hadn 't had to wait long . She then noticed Dawn didn 't have shoes on yet . " Planning on going barefoot ? " " Hmmm ? " Dawn looked down at her feet . " Oh , I guess I was so busy thinking ahead , I forgot , " she explained , forcing a laugh . " I 'll be right back . " Deidre watched as Dawn went into the bedroom . She then noticed the cover over the painting on the easel and casually strolled over to it . She lifted the cover to view her daughter 's latest work of art . The realism was stunning . As she reached out to touch the fireman in the picture , Dawn returned . " What are you doing ? " Deidre looked up , surprised at the panic in the younger woman 's voice . Dawn realized her error and purposely calmed her tone . " I . . . it 's still wet . It can 't be touched yet . " Her mother glanced at the cover on the painting , thinking back to the image underneath . " You 've got a very vivid imagination , sweetheart . The man seems very real . " The two women left the apartment building , Deidre noticing the rescue squad still outside . It had been there when she arrived , but she assumed it wasn 't there on business since the lights weren 't flashing . She dismissed the thought of asking her daughter if she knew why it was in the neighborhood . After all , she reasoned with herself , Dawn isn 't one to pay attention to what goes on outside her apartment . Upstairs , underneath the cover of the painting , Gage 's left fingers twitched slightly . Lieutenant Ron Crockett was on his way to the scene of Johnny 's disappearance after getting a call to assist up another officer at the location . His stomach growled as he turned onto the street . " What have you gotten yourself into now , Gage ? " Another grumble from his stomach had the lieutenant frowning . " I hope we find you quick for your benefit and mine . " He pulled up behind the police car parked behind the abandoned squad , then got out of his vehicle . Officer Dennis Cribs approached from around the truck . " Any sign of Gage yet ? " Crockett asked . " No . None . I 've looked all through the squad , talked to several people nearby , and I can 't even find a hint as to what might 've happened . " " Not yet , but that was my next thought . Maybe someone who was closer by earlier saw something and can give a few clues . The man who called it in says he just knows Gage was walking to the squad when he turned his head away . And when he looked back , Gage was gone and the truck was still here , right where you see it . " " Well , we know two can cover more ground anyway . How about you take one side of the street and question the business owners along that stretch , and I 'll go door - to - door in that apartment building to find out if anyone saw anything , " Crockett offered , pointing to where Dawn lived . " Sounds good . Hopefully someone will have an answer . " Johnny felt strange . He couldn 't put his finger on it , but it was almost as if he was floating . Yet when he looked down , his feet were still firmly on the ground . The paramedic also was starting to feel fatigued and weaker . Maybe I 'm just getting hungry , he thought . But looking around , there was no place to eat . Johnny frowned . If he was going to hallucinate , the least he could do was conjure up a big juicy hamburger and fries . Come to think of it , a drink wouldn 't be bad right now . Roy walked into Kel Brackett 's and sighed . He 'd been sent there by Dixie so he could use the telephone in private to talk to Captain Stanley about his missing partner . He quietly went over to the desk and picked up the receiver . Roy never thought to sit in the doctor 's chair , but rather remained standing on the front side of the desk . After three rings , the captain answered on the other end . " All 's I know is that he never showed up here at Rampart . Dispatch got a call over the radio from some man other than Johnny , saying that the squad was there all by itself . But last I saw Johnny , he closed the ambulance doors and I heard him give them a couple of slaps . It was normal routine . " Roy shook his head , forgetting Hank couldn 't see his actions anyway . " I don 't think so . From how it sounds , he just noticed the truck was still there and Johnny wasn 't . But no one has said he witnessed anything . " " Yeah , and hopefully Johnny 'll have one . " The senior paramedic paused a beat , then continued . " Cap , I wanna go check out the scene myself . If they don 't find him , " he quickly added . " Well , I don 't mind if you drive through the area . . . if John isn 't found . I 've already been notified that the squad is being kept at the location for the investigation , so a replacement one is being brought over here . I know your mind is on your partner , but I had to call in a request for another paramedic for now . The people in LA County aren 't gonna hold off on needing our help while we search for John . Stay put there and when your temporary partner picks you up at Rampart , the two of you come back here and we 'll discuss what happens next . " " I don 't know , Roy . I don 't think the police are gonna want anyone else mulling around the area . It could hamper their efforts , you know . And what if whoever had something to do with John 's disappearance is still in the area ? Another squad could cause them to get antsy and leave . . . maybe take Gage with them . " Roy silently agreed . As much as he wanted to try to help , maybe the best thing he could do for Johnny was butt out and let the ones who were used to investigating disappearances handle it without him hanging around . Roy sighed . " Okay , Cap . I see your point . You win . " " Glad you understand . And hopefully you won 't have much longer to wait . Take it easy , Roy . They 'll find him . He can 't have been taken very far . " Roy hung up the telephone receiver and leaned his left shoulder against the wall , the HT strap still looped around his left hand . He glanced down at it , then looked around for any sign of Dixie . The nurse was going into a treatment room with another paramedic and a patient . Cap 's right . The county isn 't gonna put life on hold because Johnny 's gone . He shook his head . How in the hell did this happen ? Where could he be ? Johnny stepped into the newly built building since it was the closest . The only thing he saw inside was a blinding yellow glow of light that encompassed the entire interior . No walls , ceilings , furniture or people were anywhere to be seen . And seeing was another difficulty . It was so overpowering with brightness that Johnny had to squint and put his left arm across just above his eyes to shield his vision from the intense light . The paramedic hurried outside again and could see nothing but yellow spots before him . And the outdoors now seemed that much darker . Man , what is going on ? He stood staring back at the brightly lit structure , blinking to clear the yellow spots that still appeared in his vision . Johnny then turned to head for another building . Surely there had to be someone else somewhere in this world he was in . He reached up to swipe at his eyes as they adjusted to the dark again . It was then he noticed that his right finger tips appeared to be animated , as if they were painted on to the end of his hand . Johnny 's eyes widened once again when he held up his left hand and noticed two of those finger tips were the same way . That 's it . This is too much . Man , I want off this trip * now * . He looked around , hoping to spot the squad . It had to be parked somewhere nearby . He hadn 't gone that far . Or had he ? Had he walked away while hallucinating on some sort of drug and gotten himself lost ? Passed out and now was awake after the real sun had gone down ? He examined his finger tips again . But why would they look like this if I wasn 't tripping now ? And the buildings . . . they aren 't like that anywhere in the city . . . Johnny felt himself sway slightly as his mind and body seemed to tire more . His eyes didn 't feel gritty like they normally would when he was really tired . It was more like his energy was slowly draining out of him . He decided to go into one of the other buildings , but as he got to the front open doorway , he could see it was no different from the other inside . Johnny leaned against the outside of the brick structure and frowned , his eyes fixed to the ground . He had to think of a way out . Lieutenant Crockett knocked on the door of the last apartment resident he needed to check with for the time being . A few of the places along the way were apparently unoccupied or no one was home because there had been no answer . When the door opened , an elderly lady smiled . " Yes ? " The woman gave it thought , then nodded . " Yes , I did look out when I heard the siren earlier today . A red truck pulled up outside . " " No . . . no , I didn 't . I was baking cookies and I needed to get them out if the oven . I do hope the person with the heart attack is okay . " Crockett smiled . " Yes , ma ' am , I believe he is . " He grew serious again , as he still had a mystery to solve . " Did you happen to look out again after you got the cookies from the oven ? " " No , sir . I fixed myself some coffee and I sat down to watch a Cary Grant movie . Mr . Blandings Builds His Dreamhouse . Have you seen it ? " Again , Ron Crockett found himself smiling despite the situation at hand . " Yes , I have . A very good film . " He looked down the hall at some of the other doors . No one had come home yet that was out . " Well , thank you , ma ' am . " Crockett thanked her again and soon found himself exiting the two - story building . He was glad there was only a couple of dozen apartments to begin with . It made the questioning much quicker . The lieutenant sighed as he went down the interior staircase . He hoped Cribbs had better luck than he did . Dawn sat staring blankly ahead as the other women at the party gushed over the latest new creations by Tupperware . When her mother tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention , the young woman startled . " Huh ? " Dawn smiled inside . Perfect . She felt sick , but not the kind of sick her mother would understand . But since it left her looking pale , she could pull this one off easily . " I 'm not feeling very well , Mom . Do you mind if we go ? " " I didn 't want to ruin your fun , " the daughter said , playing her cards to the hilt . " Is everything okay , Deidre ? " Mary asked , concerned . The mother shook her head . " Dawny 's not feeling well . I 'm afraid we 'll have to go . " " Could I order from you over the phone ? " Deidre asked . " Yes . . . yes . Take a book with you . " The Tupperware representative at the party agreed and the Gibsons promptly left . On the way home , Dawn looked out the passenger window and smiled while her mother drove to the apartment , still thinking her daughter was sick . But Dawn was feeling much better knowing she would soon be with the new painting again . Roy arrived back at the station with his temporary partner , Charlie Dwyer . The two paramedics walked into the dayroom where the rest of the crew was still waiting for word on Gage . " Have you heard anything ? " Roy asked , leaning against the wall near the doorway , his arms folded across his chest . Chet was the first to answer . " Not a word . I sure hope they find him soon . " He shifted in his chair at the table . " Man , who would kidnap Gage ? " " And why ? " Marco added . " Let 's not jump to conclusions , " Hank said , overhearing the conversation as he entered the room . " We don 't know that John was kidnapped . " " Yeah , Cap , " Chet put in . " Johnny wouldn 't just go off and leave the squad . . . and with a victim on the way to Rampart ? " He shook his head . " No way , man . " " Oh , don 't get me wrong , " Hank said . " I don 't think John just up and left on his own , either . But until we know anything , we can 't assume we know what happened . No one can . " Just then the phone rang , and Roy reached over to answer it . Everyone waited , hoping it was news on their missing comrade . After a few " Yes " and " No 's " , and a final promise of " we will , " DeSoto hung up the receiver . Everyone frowned in disappointment . But they couldn 't ponder on it long . Duty called as the klaxons sounded . Roy hoped to hear the address where he and Johnny had treated Mr . Simmons , although going to treat an injured friend wouldn 't be the greatest thing . But at least they 'd have Gage back . However , the squad and engine were dispatched to another location several miles from there . The men left the station , not completely able to put their missing shiftmate out of their minds . Johnny looked up and blinked . He had almost fallen asleep on his feet . What 's the matter with me ? He wondered as he tried to get himself more alert . He pushed away from the building he was leaning against and stumbled , landing on his stomach on the ground with an " umph " . When he rolled over and looked behind to see what he 'd fallen over , if anything , he noticed the tips of his shoes appeared as painted on as his finger tips did . His toes were numb . Johnny groaned and sat up , bending his knees and resting his forearms on them . He wanted to get up , but it felt like it was going to take all of his energy to do so . He remained sitting , wondering what was going to happen in his nightmare next . Roy DeSoto and Charlie Dwyer worked on a victim they rescued from a multi vehicle accident . Though most people directly involved in the pile - up had minor or non - life threatening injures , this woman had been pinned in a crumpled up sports car , another vehicle partially on top of it . Extracting her had proven tricky . Now lying on a backboard with a c - collar around her neck , her left shoulder immobilized and a splint on her left leg , she was being readied for transport to Rampart General . Roy reported the condition of the victim while Dwyer took the most recent vitals . He glanced up as an ambulance left the scene with lights and siren going , two victims and another paramedic on board . Squad 16 followed behind it . " Oh God . . . it . . . hurts , " the woman cried . " My leg . . . hurts . Please . . . " Roy repeated the vitals to Rampart , also giving the run down on her injuries . " Rampart , there 's no apparent sign of trauma to the head , but the victim has a fractured left clavicle and abdominal tenderness , but no sign of rigidity . Also a possible left tib / fib fracture . " " 51 , start an IV of normal saline and administer 5 milligrams of MS . Monitor vitals and transport as soon as possible . " " 10 - 4 , Rampart . IV normal saline , 5 milligrams MS and transport . " Roy looked to Dwyer , who was now starting the IV , then down at the victim . She was doing her best to stay calm . " You 're doing fine . We 'll have you on your way in just a minute . " The senior paramedic frowned as he nodded in acknowledgment . " Okay , we 're all set , " Dwyer said . He helped the ambulance attendants lift the woman onto a stretcher , then followed them to their vehicle . Roy hurried over to help . " You want to go in with her ? " DeSoto asked . " Sure . " Dwyer climbed up into the ambulance after the patient was set . " Just no disappearing acts on me , okay ? " " You got it . " Roy closed the doors , giving them two slaps . As the emergency vehicle pulled away , he trotted over to the squad . Going through the motions , he wondered at what point things had gone wrong for Johnny . Had the younger paramedic even made it back to the squad before something happened to him ? Dennis shook his head . " A few employees in the stores said they stepped outside to watch the commotion when the squad first pulled up to the scene . But most went back to their own business as the heart attack victim was loaded into the ambulance . No telling about the customers . Most of them have left the scene , but the few who 've been hanging around different shops here don 't recall anything beyond that either . " He looked at Crockett 's small notebook . " You ? " Cribbs gave a quick wave and headed for his police car . As Crockett prepared to leave the scene , he noticed a car pull into the apartment parking lot across from where he was parked . Although it was doubtful the people would know anything , especially if they had been away all day , but there was always that slim chance . Deidre and Dawn Gibson arrived back at the apartment building . Once out of the car , they headed upstairs to the younger woman 's place . Dawn was hoping her mother would leave before long . She just wanted to be alone with the paramedic in the picture . When her mother sat down on the couch inside , the daughter tried to hide her unhappiness . " Sure . I 'd like to spend more time with you since we left the party early . But maybe I should be waiting on you . After all , you were the one who felt sick . " Johnny slowly got to his feet and rubbed at his abdomen where he 'd hit it on the ground . Looking around again , he realized something else about the strange city he was in . In almost every direction , it ended not too far away . Only one alley seemed to lead from the main streets of the place . What that alley held , he had no idea and wasn 't sure he wanted to find out . But what if it 's the way out ? With no one around to ask , Johnny started walking toward the alley that was off a couple of blocks to his left . Each step took a lot of concentration on his part , as his feet didn 't want to cooperate . The numbness in his toes was making it difficult . Reaching out , Johnny placed his right hand on the wall of a building as he entered into the narrow alleyway . He quickly jerked it away when he couldn 't feel the skin of his fingers touch the brick surface . It was then he noticed his fingers looked like they were artwork out of a painting from the tips to the lower knuckles . Johnny spread both hands out in front of him and tried moving the fingers . They wiggled okay . But he couldn 't feel them move . It was as if they weren 't a part of him anymore . That 's impossible . He continued to stare at his hands . Man , this is a wild trip if that 's what 's going on . But when could anyone have slipped me something ? Johnny brought his hands down to his sides and glanced up and around . Who would 've ? More determined than ever to find his way out of the strange place , the paramedic continued through the alley despite the odd things going on with him . It had to be the way to help . After a short time , he came to where there was a sharp turn . Hugging the side of another brick building for stability , he carefully made his way around the corner , keeping an eye out for a sign of life anywhere . When he came to the next section of alley , Johnny froze in place . It was a dead end that led to a black nothingness again . His shoulders sagged from disappointment and the fatigue he 'd been fighting increased . How can that be ? There * has * to be a way out of here somewhere . Man , it 's like I 'm locked in an endless nightmare . " Sure . What can I help you with ? " She stood in the doorway , which kept him in the hall . Dawn hoped that her mother wouldn 't overhear . " Do you recall a rescue squad arriving in the area a few hours ago ? " " Uh . . . yeah . . . I think so . I heard a siren , but I was busy at the time . I didn 't look out my window to see what was going on , " she lied . " We hear sirens all the time , so it 's not unusual . " Crockett wrote down her comments , then looked up . " Did you glance out at all ? One of the paramedics that was on the call disappeared from the scene . His name is John Gage , he 's about six foot one and thin , has dark hair . He 'd be in a light blue shirt , with dark blue pants . " Dawn shook her head . " No , I 'm sorry . I didn 't look out . And from what you described , I 'm very sorry I didn 't , " she joked . I hope he buys it . The detective nodded and closed his note pad . " Thanks for your time . If you do see him , please contact me . " He handed her a card with his name and a phone number on it . " Yes , of course . " She watched as he walked away , then stepped inside her apartment and closed the door . Sighing with relief , she composed herself more and headed for the kitchen . " I 'll get that tea for you now , Mom . " John Gage . . . his name is John Gage . When Johnny turned to head back out of the alley , he took a step before realizing that the artificial appearance of the tips of his shoes had spread to include his lower legs as well . With much effort , Johnny slowly put one foot in front of the other , taking a few steps as he looked down with morbid fascination . Just like with his fingers , his legs were moving like normal , but it was as if they weren 't really there anymore . He stopped and reached down to touch them . Both of his hands now had the same painted appearance to them . Whatever was happening to him was picking up speed . The fatigue ever increasing with the other changes , Johnny awkwardly tried to return to the main street . If nothing else , he was now familiar with that part of the strange world . And at the moment , he 'd take whatever familiarity he could get . Dawn came out of the kitchen with the iced tea and saw her mother still staring in the direction of the painting . She cleared her throat to get Deidre 's attention . " Something wrong , Mom ? " The older woman looked at her daughter and smiled . " No , not at all . I was just thinking how proud I am of you and your art work . Maybe it 's time you had it displayed in public . " " I said no . " Dawn walked over and handed a glass of tea to her . Deidre took a sip , then set the glass on the coffee table in front of her . She looked at her watch . " I think I 'd better be going . " Johnny leaned heavily against one of the buildings as he came into the main section of the town . He was beyond fatigued . The paramedic felt like the very life of him was being sucked out . It was all he could do to stay upright . Standing in the glow of light from the brightly lit building beside him , he tried to figure out what his options were . There didn 't seem to be many . It was either stay in one spot and hope someone discovered him , or go in search of help in another direction . Maybe I should 've stepped off into the black . Maybe that * was * the way out . But the thought of turning around and going back sounded like too much work . So did walking any amount of distance to another area that ended in a darkness . Suddenly he felt like he was going to fall down if he didn 't sit somewhere . With no better place to go , Johnny sat roughly on the ground under his feet . Rest . . . I just need some time . . . to . . . rest . His head lulled slightly as he gave in to the tiredness . The nurse shook her head . " It just doesn 't make sense . How can a person just disappear into thin air ? Someone had to have seen something . " Johnny remained motionless for a few minutes , hoping to regain some energy from the brief nap . But it didn 't seem to be helping . The more time went by , the worse he felt . Waking up more and opening his eyes , the paramedic glanced down at the ground , his eyelids drooping as he felt himself wanting to drift off again . His mind was anything but sharp at the moment . He brought his gaze up to glance around at his surroundings , hoping to finally find help nearby . But instead Johnny saw something even more strange than what he 'd encountered thus far . Standing on the sidewalk a block away was a faint image . It was barely visible , but there none the less . An image of himself . The other John Gage stood perfectly still , not moving a muscle . Johnny tried to stand up , but it was useless . For the brief time he 'd been resting , his mind and body had grown wearier . And as far as he could tell , except for his chest and abdomen , the rest of him had the same unreal appearance to it as his arms and legs . He looked down the street at the other John Gage again , wishing that the duplicate image would just go away . Johnny glanced at the empty city around them and briefly closed his eyes . No , I can 't . . . sleep . Gotta . . . get . . . help . Deidre couldn 't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong . As she neared the exit to the apartment building , she thought about the painting and of the fireman again . He seemed so real . Had her daughter really created him from her own imagination ? She thought back to when Dawn was in first grade . A young boy who was a bully in the class had one day become the subject of one of Dawn 's drawings . Paul Bryant . A few days later , Deidre found the drawing she 'd caught a glimpse of , crumpled in the kitchen trash can . She took it out and opened it up . For a six - year - old girl , Dawn had captured Paul 's appearance fairly well ; enough to single him out from being just a picture of any boy . She couldn 't understand why the little girl would want to throw it away . But she did know keeping it would cause an upset later , so Deidre balled it back up and tossed it . The mother got a sickened feeling as she came out of her memories . Paul Bryant had disappeared the day Dawn had done the drawing and as far as she knew , had never been found . It was as if he vanished . . . The boy 's mother laughed . " No , my son 's been going on and on all afternoon about a fireman who supposedly vanished off the sidewalk earlier today while Ryan was looking at him . I keep trying to tell him , it can 't happen . It 's impossible . " Dawn 's mother looked at the other woman and sighed . " I 'm sorry , but it 's important . " She returned her attention to Ryan . " Can you describe the fireman ? " " And . . . ? " Her heart was pounding as the boy listed the details . " He had black hair , an ' a blue shirt . With but - toms . " " Your mom 's right , son . People can 't vanish into thin air . But you 've got a good imagination . " She patted him on the head . " Don 't lose it . " Deidre was unaware of the two leaving as she thought about what was upstairs in her daughter 's apartment . Oh my God . The fireman . Dawny , what did you do ? DeSoto sat up straight and glanced over his left shoulder . " Yeah . . . I just . . . I wish we could figure this out . It just _ doesn 't _ make _ sense . " He recalled something his grandmother had told him when he was a boy and imagined monsters in his room after having a bad dream . ' John , all you have to do is confront what 's scaring you . You know deep down it 's not real . You just have to be brave and face whatever it is that frightens you and make it go away . ' She was right . It had worked many times when he was a child . No reason it shouldn 't now . With a renewed determination , Johnny mustered up all the energy he had left and awkwardly got to his feet . Staggering a moment , he took purposeful steps in the direction of his other self , not once taking his eyes off the image . The other John Gage didn 't appear to even notice him , as it didn 't budge . Not even so much as a blink . Johnny found himself feeling defiance as he approached ; ready to get the hell out of whatever mindset he was in . If nothing else was a way out , perhaps conquering his alter self was . Once he got to the mirror image , Johnny reached out to touch it , expecting it do dissipate . Instead the other John Gage 's right arm appeared solid as Johnny 's numb hand hit against it . It was as if the image were more real than he was . Oh man , this is messed up , Johnny thought as he felt a chill run down his spine , his eyes wide in shock . Now he wasn 't sure if he was even who he thought he was . His chest tightened as he felt the final changes in his body take place and breathing became difficult . The man in front of him became completely defined as Johnny struggled for another breath . Deidre didn 't bother to knock on her daughter 's front door . Instead she opened it and barged in . Quickly scanning the room , she saw Dawn now standing in front of the uncovered painting with a smile on her face . The younger woman didn 't seem to notice the intrusion . The mother walked over and stood to the side of her daughter , looking at the painting . Her heart sank when her suspicions were confirmed ; something strange was going on . The fireman in the picture had changed , his appearance even more realistic than before . Deidre bit back a gasp , any moment expecting the man to step out of the painting and be as real as she and Dawn . Dawn sighed . Her attention still on the painting , she spoke to it . " It 's just you and me now . . . and I know just where to put your new home . " " He 's mine ! I can 't lose him ! " She gave her mother a look of contempt and tugged as hard as she could on the canvas . The force used surprised Deidre and she lost hold , sending the painting and Dawn to the floor . Without thinking , the mother grabbed a jar sitting on a small round table near the easel and threw it down at her daughter in anger . It was only while it was in the air that she realized it was partially filled with something . Turpentine ? Oh no . . . Dawn was frozen in disbelief as the jar landed on the painting in her lap , spilling across her picture . Colors ran , the fireman now nothing more than an abstract design . " You idiot ! " She cried , looking up at her mother . " How could you ? " " I . . . I . . . " Deidre numbly walked over to the couch and sat down , her face buried in her hands . I killed him . God , I killed the fireman . Johnny felt himself being violently propelled through the air like he 'd been catapulted . The momentum was so strong he felt the air he 'd just gotten back into his lungs leave again . He was in complete darkness , as if in a tunnel deep below the surface of the ground . The paramedic desperately reached out to slow his momentum , but there was nothing around to hold onto . Helplessly along for the ride , he dreaded what this nightmare would bring next . Suddenly , he found himself lying on a cold concrete sidewalk . The dark night sky was once again above him , street lights illuminating his immediate surroundings ; only this time with the sounds of car engines in the vicinity . Disoriented and completely exhausted , the paramedic was dimly aware that he could now feel his fingers and toes again . Johnny closed his eyes and laid still , his breathing very rapid as his body tried to recuperate from the sudden jolt . He raced to the driver 's side of the squad and climbed in . Dwyer had come out of the dayroom and was getting in on the passenger side . Both men donned their helmets . " Let us know as soon as you can if it 's Gage , " Hank said as he handed the slip of paper with the address to Roy . The others stood nearby watching . DeSoto nodded and handed the paper to Charlie . " This could be it , " Dwyer commented , as Roy drove into the street . The senior paramedic kept his focus on the road ahead , not sure he wanted the call to be for Gage or not . " Yep . " Johnny unsteadily got to a sitting position , and looked around . A man who 'd called for help came trotting across the street , being careful of a couple of vehicles passing by . A couple who had also seen the paramedic on the ground hurried over . " Is he okay ? " the woman asked , as the first man spoke with Gage . " Yeah , I think so . " He wasn 't sure of himself , though . The man could have sworn he saw Johnny pop onto the ground out of nowhere . " Where 'd you come from , buddy ? " He asked . Still trying to get oriented and catch his breath , Johnny didn 't answer . He didn 't have one . With it now being dark in the real world , one place blended in with the other . Looking down from her livingroom window , Ryan 's mother stared in disbelief at what she thought she 'd seen . She 'd been closing the curtains when she saw what she thought was a man in a uniform of sorts come falling out of thin air and onto the sidewalk across the street . The fireman . . . but it can 't be . That just doesn 't happen . She looked at the door to her son 's room , where the child now slept . She didn 't understand it . Maybe he had seen something after all , but how could a person have just gone away in an instant ? The mother shook her head . No . No way is it possible . She finished closing the curtains . " I must be losing my mind . " She decided at that moment that she 'd never say a word to anyone . Some things were better left a mystery . Deidre came out of the apartment building in a daze . She 'd never killed anyone before and now her own daughter had put her in that position . As she walked to her car , she glanced at the police cruiser approaching , its emergency lights rotating at a rapid pace . When she looked across the street where the vehicle was stopping , she saw a familiar person sitting on the ground , light from the street lamps above casting a bright glow on him . The fireman . He made it out after all . She glanced up at her daughter 's window . The curtains were drawn . She doesn 't know yet . . . Deidre smiled . He was safe now . Roy brought the squad to a stop and jumped out . Dwyer was already getting equipment out of the compartments as Roy came around . " He looks okay from here . Just the drug box and biophone should do for now . " Charlie nodded and followed DeSoto over to the vehicle . Vince Howard met the two paramedics as they approached . " He was found lying on the ground , Roy . I tried to keep him from moving until you could check him out , but he insisted he was fine . He just wanted to get off the sidewalk . " Did he say anything about what happened ? Where he 's been ? " Roy and Charlie exchanged puzzled glances , then looked to Vince again . " A trip ? " Roy asked . " Yeah . Evidently someone must 've slipped him a hallucinogen ; says he 's been out on the streets the whole time , seeing one strange thing after another . " " How come no one saw him ? " Dwyer wondered . Vince shrugged . " Don 't know . John can 't figure it out either . " He paused a moment , then added , " Lieutenant Crockett 's gonna need to talk to him later , too . " " Sure . " Roy and Charlie walked the rest of the way to the police car and Roy leaned inside . " Well , it 's good to have you back . " " Not near as good as it is to be back , " Johnny said quietly , his voice slightly weak . The paramedic was still feeling the effects of what had taken place . " You sure you 're okay ? " Johnny sat on the exam table in Treatment Room One , waiting for Brackett to return with lab results . The doctor had completed a thorough exam of the paramedic as a precaution , finding nothing wrong aside from a few bruises on his stomach . But Brackett didn 't want to release Johnny until he was sure there was no sign of drugs in his system . " You want someone to drive you home if Brackett clears you ? " Roy asked . He and Dwyer had stayed on call from Rampart in hopes of getting an answer or two about Gage 's wild experience . Roy nodded , a concerned expression still on his face . Both men looked over toward the door when it opened revealing Brackett with a chart in his hands . He saw the two anxious men and grinned . " Well , Johnny , looks like you 're clean . If there was anything in your system , it 's gone now . " His smile quickly faded . " It 's times like this a doctor doesn 't know which he 'd rather have . . . something show up to get more answers , or there be absolutely nothing to explain what went on . " " Yes , I see no reason to keep you here if you 'd rather be at home . But , I do want you to get plenty of rest . You look like you could use it . " Johnny soon found himself leaving Station 51 in his Land Rover . Ron Crockett had interviewed him at the hospital , but just as Gage had suspected , he couldn 't give any information that could explain where he 'd been and what he 'd gone through . The lieutenant instructed the paramedic to contact him if anything new came to mind . Still thoroughly exhausted , Johnny laid down on his bed to try to get a good night 's rest . It wasn 't long before he drifted off , so deep in sleep that even the sound of a fender bender mishap outside didn 't wake the man up . But the deep sleep couldn 't keep one thing away . Johnny found himself wandering the empty streets , the artificial appearing buildings illuminating the pavement and sidewalks with bright lights from their windows . He called out for anyone to listen , but when no reply came , he wandered on in search of another person anywhere . Soon off in the distance was a man . . . as Johnny got closer to him , he realized it was someone who looked exactly like him . Gage woke up and shot to a sitting position . His hair and skin were soaked in sweat . Breathing hard , he made his way to the bathroom on shaky legs and peered at his image in the mirror . Much to his relief , he looked normal . " Oh man , " he whispered . " Ooooh man . " He splashed cold water on his face and patted it dry with a towel . Not wanting to risk having the dream again , Johnny sat up the rest of the night watching television . He 'd catch up on his sleep later the next day so he 'd be rested for duty . Much to Johnny 's pleasure , the bad dream didn 't repeat later . Not being able to reach her daughter for two days after the incident with the fireman , Deidre went to the apartment to check on Dawn . Not getting an answer when she knocked , she got the building manager to open the door with a key . " Thank you . I can handle it from here , " Deidre said . " Okay , but if you need anything else , just holler . " The place was too quiet and still . Suddenly Deidre sensed what might be wrong and rushed into the spare bedroom . She glanced around at the numerous paintings her daughter had completed . The one she was looking for now would have to be in front of the others . As her eyes scanned the amazing works of art , she spotted it , dried paints and a brush on a pallet beside it . The picture was of Dawn 's livingroom , an easel and a painted picture of the same room within it . And in that picture was what Deidre feared , yet also felt a strange sort of comfort . Dawny . Her daughter sat near the window of her livingroom , an easel and canvas in front of her , in the picture within the painting , working on yet another work of art . The smile on her face told Deidre that her daughter was where she wanted to be : alone in the confines of her apartment , where she could paint one picture after another , creating visions her creative talent allowed her to . The mother looked lovingly at Dawn . She would miss having her around . I wonder if destroying the picture would free her , like it did the fireman ? Or if it would cause me to lose her forever completely ? . . . I can 't take that risk . Deidre made her decision . She draped a spare cover over the art work and took it with her when she left the apartment . She quietly closed the front door , locking it , and continued down the hallway to the steps . She 'd have Dawn with her in her own home . When the apartment manager realized Dawn was no longer living in the apartment , Deidre would play the role of the worried mother . . . but for her own daughter 's benefit , she 'd never tell anyone the truth . Dawn Gibson picked up the pallet with blue , black , white and tan paints on it , and began to design her fireman again . She only hoped she could capture every detail and bring him back , then place herself with him . Until that time , she 'd live by herself in another world , a world some can only imagine in fairy tales or horror stories . A place John Gage will try his best to forget , but will never quite manage to , thanks to one artist in . . . the Twilight Zone . A huge thanks to Jill Hargan for her beta read , suggestions and help in getting an opening introduction worded better . Also thanks to Jackie B . and Becca for some medical assistance . If anything is in error , it 's of my own doing . : o ) And thanks to my sister for sparking the idea for this story in a conversation over the phone . |
On Christmas Day , I threw some Christmas items I 'd worked on at several different times together into a freebie . When I looked at them today , however , I decided they didn 't really go together . So I split them into two kits and added a few things . Click on the previews below to grab the expanded kits ( the link for my Dec 25 post now links to the second , more traditional , kit ) . PU / S4H / S4O . Merry Christmas ! I hope everyone has had a wonderful day with family and friends , and most of all , remembering the true Reason for the Season ! My wonderful hubby got me a new pen tablet , so I 've been playing on the computer a bit this evening . Maybe you have a use for one more little Christmas freebie ( revised ) ! PU / S4H / S4O . Several years ago , when the Navy sent us from New York to California , my husband and I moved across the country with our dog and 4 children . Even with modern amenities like minivans and built - in DVD players , this is not necessarily an easy trip . We had a lot of fun , but by the time we reached our destination , we were all tired and anxious to find a new place to live . Our 4 - year - old told people along the way that we had lost our house and could not find it , and she asked every day if we thought we might find it that day . Now , during most of the trip , we had not made hotel reservations ahead of time . We enjoyed driving , finding interesting things to do and see , and stopping wherever was convenient each evening . Most of the time , this had not been a problem . And so , after our 30 - day trip , we arrived in San Diego . We called the local Navy Lodge . They were full . So were the other Navy Lodges in the area . We had not expected that . We began to call other hotels and motels , starting with the less expensive ones that would allow dogs . When none of these were available , we began to check with the ones that would not allow dogs , thinking the weather was nice enough that we could leave our pet in the car overnight . We moved up the list through more and more expensive hotels . Finally , we had called every hotel and motel in the San Diego area in the yellow pages . We have traveled extensively , and we had never had this much of a problem finding a place before . Apparently , there were several large events converging upon San Diego simultaneously that weekend , including a Chargers game , an American Idol show , and several conventions . Everyone was booked . We had been sitting at a rest area for hours making phone calls on our cell phones , and our tired children were beginning to complain . Of course , I was beginning to get a little bit stressed out . I didn 't feel desperation yet , just stress . I was thinking we may have to rent a tent somewhere , or maybe even sleep in our minivan . My husband said even if we wanted to sleep in the minivan , we would have to find a campground or something where we would be allowed to do so . What struck me was how upset my husband had become . He 's normally the calm , cool one , while I get stressed over little things . Small things just don 't bother him that much . On this evening , however , he was feeling desperate . Somewhere in the back of my mind , although I didn 't believe that it was only my husband 's responsibility to find us a place to stay , I probably was holding on because he was with me , and I knew he always took care of things . Had I been alone with the children , things may have been different . My husband wasn 't just stressed because he was tired of calling hotels . He felt a great sense of responsibility . He had brought his family all the way across the country , far from family and friends , and now he had no place for them to spend the night . He felt he had let them down ( even though none of us felt that way ) . I realized in that moment how different things could be for fathers and for mothers , although I 'm sure many single parents take on aspects of both roles . Although my husband and I both share the responsibility of caring for our family , he tends to be the one who feels responsible when there is just no way out . Shortly after this , we called one more hotel , and they 'd had a cancellation . We paid an arm and a leg for the room , the dog had to stay in the car , and the kids slept in sleeping bags on the floor because there was only one bed in the room and the pull - out sofa was broken . But we had a nice place to sleep . Surely much nicer than the stable or cave where Mary gave birth to the Savior of the world . Living in middle class America , my family has not often felt the desperation of true need . Even when things are tight , we generally have a place to sleep and food to eat . This one evening when we literally were not sure we were going to have a place for our children to sleep made me think a lot about Mary and Joseph . Mary clearly had the rougher trip ; pregnant and about to deliver , walking about 60 miles , or possibly riding on a donkey or in a cart . She finally gave birth to her first child in a place where animals fed and slept , without aid of modern medical facilities , her mother or aunts in her family , no place to shower , or even a bed . I kind of suspect , though , that she might have been a little bit like I was that night in San Diego . Although she was uncomfortable and in pain , she had Joseph with her . He was a great gift from God , and she depended on him to take care of her and this baby . She assumed he would find them a place to stay , food to eat , and everything they needed . If Joseph was an upstanding man like my husband , who felt the responsibility for caring for his family like the weight of the world on his shoulders - and I suspect that he was - Joseph was not calmly going from door to door like we see in the Christmas pageants . He was not gently asking in two or three places if there was a place for his wife to deliver his baby , then returning calmly to Mary and a donkey and saying , well , I guess we 'll just stay in this fellow 's stable in the back . Have you ever seen a man rushing his wife to the hospital when she 's about to deliver ? Have you seen first - time fathers in the delivery room ? If you are a father , what would you do if you arrived at the hospital here in America with your wife in labor , and the hospital told you they were full , and that you would just have to stay in the parking lot ? ? ? This was the frantic state Joseph was in ! Joseph had brought his new wife who was about to deliver to this little town , far away from her family and friends . Now he couldn 't find a place for her to even spend the night , much less deliver her baby . He was desperate , frantically pleading with any place in town to let his wife in . " Are you kidding me ? " he may have thought to himself . " I had this one simple task of taking care of my wife , who is giving birth to God Incarnate , and I can 't even find a place for her to have the baby indoors ? ? ? ? " He may have even been angry with God . After all , when we are doing God 's work and giving everything up for Him , don 't we often expect Him to take care of the little things ? When Joseph finally laid Mary down in the hay near the manger , making her as comfortable as he possibly could , it was out of desperation . He probably felt like a failure . He probably wondered why in the world God had chosen him for this task . And then he helped to deliver the Savior of all mankind . Of course , it was all in God 's plan . The Savior came into the world in the humblest of circumstances , and the shepherds came to worship Him . Mary and Joseph were both just the parents God wanted for the job . They weren 't perfect . They didn 't have to be . God uses imperfect and humble people to do great things . Joseph evidently found a house for his new family soon thereafter , for the Magi visited them in a house in Bethlehem . And when King Herod wanted to kill his small baby - God 's Son , who had given up His own power and placed Himself , defenseless , in the care of Joseph - Joseph took Mary and the Baby to Egypt and saved them . He listened to God 's leading throughout his life and was an earthly father figure not only to the Son of God , but also to James and Jude , who grew up to be pillars in the early church and wrote some of our Scriptures after they saw their brother raised from the dead . Yes , Joseph was just the person God wanted for this job . My husband loves White Elephant parties . You know , the ones where you get together for a gift exchange at Christmas but instead of buying new presents , you bring something you have at home that you want to get rid of ? Some of the gifts are kind of nice ; one person 's trash is another one 's treasure . But then , there are always a few old lava lamps from someone 's garage . And then , at each party , you have at least one person who seeks out those outrageous gifts that no one wants , but everyone remembers because they are so atrocious . The person who begins scouting thrift stores in August for those perfect treasures . The one who will actually buy a White Elephant gift because it is just so much fun to give . That person is my husband . Imagine my husband 's delight when , at a thrift store the day before the office White Elephant party , he found a 4 - foot - tall stuffed baboon . Complete with the bare bottom for which baboons are known . For three dollars . The quintessential White Elephant gift . Some greedy person who wanted to unwrap the biggest gift beneath the tree would grab this up and go home with a gigantic plush monkey , while the unassuming people who picked up a small gift bag or a plain envelope would be rewarded with a $ 10 gift certificate to Dunkin Donuts . One poor fellow didn 't show up for the party today , so he risked coming in tomorrow morning to find the giant baboon checking its email at his desk . Except that something went wrong . Something always can when you mix children , Christmas presents , and a little greed . You see , we had told our children which gifts we had brought , and that they should choose something else . My daughter , one of the first people chosen to pick a gift , lucked out with a beautiful , pink - and - purple , hand - knitted cape . The evil eye on her cute 9 - year - old face kept any Marines or other wives or children from " stealing " it from her when their turn came . One person had already unwrapped a roll of toilet paper from the Base Chaplain . Then , our 5 - year - old 's number was drawn . His eyes flew to the giant wad of green wrapping paper under the tree . The one we had told him not to pick . He had to have it ! As our youngest son unwrapped his treasure , those around the room who knew of my husband 's prank began to chuckle . The Base Chaplain quipped , " Now no one will remember the toilet paper ! " As it happened , our son was probably the only person in the room who would actually want to take that baboon home . He was so happy when he got it all unwrapped . He put it on the floor and began to ride it around the room . He immediately gave it a name and began talking to it and trying to feed it Christmas cookies . We tried and tried to get someone to " steal " the baboon and trade it for another gift , but then our son would grab it around the neck and cry , " No , no , PLEASE don 't take my baboon ! " Here 's a Quickpage from Sprouting Seeds Studio 's " Happy Holidays " kit ! Go to http : / / www . sproutingseedsstudio . com / or click on preview at bottom of post to download Parts 1 & 2 of the kit . Click on the QP image to download the Quickpage . Regular PNG file and iRemember SBT file both included in download . Personal Use only . Finishing decorating the tree and the kids making a Gingerbread Train : that 's the way to spend a Friday evening in December ! We normally do gingerbread houses every year , so we decided to try something new . I think they did a good job ! I normally do not feel I have time for many forum challenges , but I really wanted Scrappy Bug 's Christmas kit , so she talked me into it ! Check out her December 2010 Challenges at http : / / www . groovyscraps . com / forums / showthread . php ? t = 1072 . Here are my layouts . Exciting news ! I was accepted onto the CT for Sprouting Seeds Studio ! ! Check out their December freebie , " Rainy Day Blues , " and check back in January for my first layouts ! The Paper Variety is seeking creative crafters who would like to join their Design Team ! They 're looking for 4 - 6 new smiles to share their love of paper crafting and inspiring others - artists of all styles and experience levels . If you love paper and enjoy using it to create a variety of projects , then you are invited to apply ! : ) Applications will be accepted until December 17th midnight . The announcement of the new team will be posted on December 22nd ! : ) Also . . they 're giving away a Crate Paper " Snow Day " collection kit - just help spread the word about the new design team . I 'm wondering if there are very many iRemember users out there ? This software for Mac scrapbooking doesn 't do every action that PSE8 does , such as blurring edges ; but for layouts and even some designing , it is spectacularly user - friendly and cost - effective . It is my favorite software by far . I don 't see many quickpages for it , though , so I decided to make some . Included in the Money Game Quickpages download are two iRemember quickpage templates , as well as the same two pages in PNG form for any other software you wish to use . Let me know if you are an iRemember user ! There 's nothing like a family game night . My kids would rather play a board game as a family than play Wii or watch TV . If you haven 't played a board game lately , why not tonight ? Pop some corn , heat up some hot chocolate , and make some memories ! Oh , yeah , and then scrap them ! ! " We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven . We have been preserved , these many years , in peace and prosperity . We have grown in numbers , wealth and power , as no other nation has ever grown . But we have forgotten God . We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace , and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us ; and we have vainly imagined , in the deceitfulness of our hearts , that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own . Intoxicated with unbroken success , we have become too self - sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace , too proud to pray to the God that made us ! It behooves us then , to humble ourselves before the offended Power , to confess our national sins , and to pray for clemency and forgiveness . " Would you just love to have those perfect , handmade Christmas cards to mail out this year ? You were planning on getting on that project back in July to have them all ready for Christmas , then you thought if you started in September you 'd still be OK . Now it is November , and the closest thing you have to a home - made Christmas card is a folded piece of red paper . Fear not ! Check out http : / / salnclts76 . blogspot . com / for beautifully crafted Christmas cards . The work is done for you ! : ) Here are the Josefina Lapbooks . Once again , my son chose to do the Mexican - American War rather than a Josefina theme , and his lapbook was not nearly as ornate as his sisters ' . I realized , however , that when I said he wasn 't " into " the project yesterday , I had short - changed him . It is true that he is not nearly as concerned about presentation as his sisters are . That is a lesson we will have to learn another day , as he does need to learn that presentation is important before he goes to college , writes a resume , and gets a job . This assignment , however , was a history assignment , not an art assignment , and I did not specify that they needed to be concerned about presentation or that their grade would have anything to do with visual presentation . I said that we were doing this project as an alternative to the frequent written report , and that I wanted them to show what they had learned about the period in history . So his project was within acceptable parameters . As I watched the kids work on this second lapbook , I realized that he was doing far more research than his sisters , and he learned a lot of information that we had not covered in class . While the girls took things we learned in class , and mainly things just from the " Josefina " books , and looked up a few items , they basically took what they already knew and started working on making a perfect - looking lapbook . They said the more " flappy " things it had in it , the better ! They also learned the required material , worked hard on their lapbooks , and certainly deserve an " A . " Meanwhile , my son spent the entire morning that they were working on cutting and pasting to research more information about his topic . He enjoys finding trivia that his audience would not know to include in his report . He learned a great deal . True , he can be a minimalist and did the least amount of work he could get away with on the actual cutting - and - pasting project . He 's not the only 10 to 12 - year - old boy who is a minimalist when it comes to schoolwork ! ! But when the kids stood up to deliver Posted by Wow ! I have been wanting to get this project done for a long time , and we finally did it ! We studied Felicity ( and Colonial Days in general ) 2 years ago in homeschool , but the interest was renewed recently as we went to Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia for the homeschool days last month . The kids loved it ! It gave us a good chance to review that part of early American history and to make these fabulous " Felicity " lapbooks that I had since found templates for on the Internet . The templates and ideas are available at http : / / www . homeschoolshare . com / American _ Girl _ Lapbook . php . If you have a girl who loves the American Girl characters and you 'd like to use them to spruce up your history studies , take a look at Portraits of American Girlhood . You can usually find the American Girl books at the library and will not need to purchase anything else . I use these alongside Beautiful Feet 's American History through Literature . My son was clearly not into this assignment ( which he did on Colonial Williamsburg rather than Felicity specifically ) . No worries . When we do a lapbook on the NASA Space Program , his will be immaculate ! Here are some papers for all those lovely leaf - jumping pictures from one of my favorite times of year ! Click image to download from 4shared . PU / S4H / S4O . Yes , it 's getting to be that time of year again . Oh , I know we are over a month from getting out the Christmas decorations ( although my kids begged to get them out all weekend ! ) . The Hallowe ' en costumes need to be sewn and the Thanksgiving turkey cooked before we think about decking the halls in red and green . And only if you are far more organized than I am do you have much Christmas shopping done ( OK , I 've done a fair amount . I LOVE Christmas ! ) . But if you have any hope of getting something besides nail polish remover from the drugstore for Christmas , you 've started dropping the hints . Let 's face it , Christmas is only 69 days away ! You know the game . You are almost out of your favorite ( rather expensive ) perfume . So you say - in plain hearing of your husband , during the commercial of a football game - " Darn ! I 'm almost out of my favorite perfume ! " You will comment on the shortage several times between now and Christmas . " Oh , honey , sorry I don 't have any perfume on tonight . I completely ran out ! But I guess I won 't buy myself any this close to Christmas . We have gifts to get for other people . " And so it goes , until Christmas Eve . Christmas morning , your husband hands you a nice little package with a big cat - that - swallowed - the - canary grin on his face . You tear it open , ready to put on your new perfume , and it is - a purse - size tool kit for you to keep in your car . Or nail polish remover . Or a new drill . " Oh , sorry , honey , " he says . " You don 't think you 'll use the drill much ? Well , I can keep it out at my workbench for you ! " So if you are married , or engaged , or think you may ever get married or have any kind of a relationship with a man in the future , let me share a lesson with you that I learned from my good friend Pam in the earlier days of my marriage . " Oh , I 'm so excited ! " she exclaimed . " Marvin is taking me on a real date tonight ! We are going to dinner at my favorite restaurant , and he made the reservations and arranged for the babysitter and everything ! I wonder what made him think of being so sweet ? " After a pause , she continued . " Oh , it was probably when I said , ' Marvin , I need you to take me on a real date this week . I need you to make the reservations at my favorite restaurant and arrange for the babysitter . I need you to treat me like I 'm special ! ' " Marvin took the hint ! Yes , ladies , we often have to completely spell it out for them . It 's not because they are slow , or stupid , or they don 't care . It 's just because men and women are different . You know that . You 've heard it a million times before . My husband will not remember anything I tell him during a football game . When I think I am heavily hinting that I want a particular thing , he thinks I am mentioning something I saw in the store in passing . Like , " Honey , I bought milk today , and I thought maybe I should get some chicken because the freezer is running low . " And he says , " Oh , OK . " So I pledged that although I love perfect surprises , I will not expect my husband to read my mind . I will not get upset when he buys a perfectly good birthday gift but forgets to get me a card , even though he knows I scrapbook and I love birthday cards to put in my scrapbooks . I will not get upset when he goes shopping Christmas week or the night before my birthday because he forgot earlier . And I will not leave " subtle hints . " When I want something , I will leave great big , screaming - billboard , colossal hints . Several years ago I wanted a die - cutter for Christmas . It was on sale at a local store . So I cut out the coupon , cut out the ad , and put them on my husband 's desk , saying , " If you are looking for a nice Christmas gift , here 's one at this store . Here is a coupon for it , and it is on sale until Friday . " Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped the die - cutter Christmas morning ! So girls , do your hubbies a favor this Christmas . Don 't make them play a guessing game . If you 'd like a little surprise , make a list of about 5 different things that you want , and he can pick one . Make it easy for him . You 'll be happier , and he 'll love you for not putting the stress of staying out of the doghouse on him . The age of information and technology has brought our friends closer in many ways . The world is smaller , and communication is instantaneous . This is a wonderful blessing , especially to those of us who have friends and family who are far away . It can also be painful , as it has been today . Our dear friends whose 17 - month - old baby boy was diagnosed with cancer last October were recently told that nothing else could be done for him . This morning I received an email , sent to many friends who have been following their story , that his breathing is slowing down , and that the mother will not be sending us any more messages , as she is devoting these last hours to holding her precious child . In generations past , friends suffering this way across the country would be alone or surrounded by few friends , and those of us far away would find out much later what happened . Today , though , we all cry with them and pray for them as they struggle through this most horrible of circumstances . Like Job , when the sun is shining and our families are healthy , it is easy for us to praise God . He is our Provider , our Sustainer , and He has given us every good blessing . But what about when our children are not healthy ? What about when we see this tiny child having pain and difficulty breathing ? What then ? Of course , the theological answer is still that God is our Provider , our Sustainer , and the Giver of every good blessing . He still loves us . He will still get us through this . He is still worthy of praise . It 's just hard to think that way when we are the ones suffering . This family , however , has remained a steadfast example of faith in God in all circumstances . They have not let go of their love for their Creator . They have not let go of the Hope that their son will soon be in a place too beautiful for words with no pain . If you think religion is a crutch for people with no hope , I would guess that you haven 't been in a situation like this . Sometimes it would not be easier to keep praising God . Sometimes it would be easier to curse Him , as Job 's wife encouraged him to do . But God gives us the strength to handle whatever comes . I realize I should not brag too much on my own husband , but since this is my blog , and no one has to read it if they don 't want to , I think I 'm going to brag just a little ! A Meritorious Service Medal is awarded for outstanding service outside of combat . My husband , a Naval Chaplain , did a number of things to earn this distinction . He participated in humanitarian efforts to get food and water to areas that had been hit by natural disaster . He counseled people and took suicide prevention classes . One of my favorite things that he did on his last tour was to set up a coffee hut on the beach , called " The Gator Cafe . " He has always believed that to help people , you have to really get to know them . In the military , you have to get in and serve with them . And so , he set up the cafe , and he went down to the beach in the mornings where the Marines were working on equipment , and he served them coffee . One of the reasons I have always loved him is because of the way he shows love to others through service . Now , while I am thrilled that we had this ceremony this morning for my husband , who certainly deserves it , my favorite part of the ceremony was when the Marine Colonel addressed my children directly , in front of all present . He told them specific things their daddy had done to receive this medal . He told them how important Chaplains are to the military , and how their daddy had helped so many people . He told them that he knows how hard it is when their daddy is gone , but that there is a purpose for it , that he is able to help other people because of the sacrifice that they are making . My children know there is a purpose for the hardship they suffer , and that other people can live better lives because they are willing to do it . I am thankful for people who help us make sense of this career for my children . I am quite certain they deserve it . So the first order of business today is to say how PROUD I am of my kids - my own four children and the other 20 in our church 's children 's play - for their performance Saturday night inGPS : God 's Plan of Salvation . The children 's musical was perfect , and the teens preparing and serving the meal for the dinner theater , as well as the teens performing in " Hands of Praise , " were all just marvelous . What a fantastic weekend ! I have written previously about Colossians 3 : 17 - " And whatever you do , whether in word or deed , do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus , giving thanks to God the Father through him . " ( NIV ) This is what these children are learning at this young age . Too often , they feel they must wait until they are older to do things . They sit in children 's church and do not become " part " of the church for years . Meanwhile , they enjoy music , acting , and other creative expression , and the world will give them places to express themselves . What I want most from plays like this is for the children to learn to use their creative talents for the Lord . To do the best they can because they are doing it for God and God alone . To enjoy worshipping God with their creative expression . And to begin a lifelong habit of using their talents for worship and service to the Creator of all . We are blessed to be part of a church congregation that recognizes the value that its youngest members and attenders can contribute . These children will remember the applause and every compliment that was paid to their hard effort . The experience has built their self - confidence and given them affirmation for a job well done for the Lord . For every person who walked up to one of these children and said , " You did a good job tonight , " I am thankful . You have invested in the Kingdom of God . Yesterday was my grandmother 's 91st birthday . It was a bittersweet day for me . Her 91 years are certainly worth celebration . I miss , however , talking to her on her birthday . You see , I used to always make it a point to call Grandma on her birthday . The last time I did that was May 2007 , three years ago . On that day when I called , she could not understand everything I was saying on the phone . I believed she knew who I was , but she also may have believed I was one of her daughters . She did not understand whose birthday it was , and she became extremely upset , thinking that she had forgotten someone 's birthday that she was supposed to remember . When our phone conversation was over , I realized that she was no longer able to speak to me on the phone . Several months later , it became difficult for her to even recognize her own children . You have probably realized at this point that my grandmother has Alzheimer 's . It is a terrible disease that steals those we love and leaves an empty shell . The last time I saw her was summer 2006 . She was living in her own house and taking care of herself , but she must have realized even then that something was wrong . Before I left , she said , " You know you have a good husband . I 've always liked him . You take care of each other , and take care of those beautiful children . If I don 't see you again here , I 'll see you on the other side . " I cried as we drove away , wondering why she thought she would not see me again . Or perhaps she was letting me know that she wanted me to remember her the way she was then , not as the empty shell that she had watched her sister become several years before . Shortly thereafter , we were transferred to the opposite coast for several years , and I have not seen her again . She is well - cared - for . My parents and my dad 's siblings visit her regularly and see to her care . She is cheerful and loving to the strangers that now surround her every day , and my mother said that perhaps she still has some work to do for the Lord on this earth , to encourage someone somehow . My grandmother 's life has always been about working for the Lord . A preacher 's wife , she raised five children with my grandfather , then lived in retirement with him until he went home to be with the Lord more than 10 years ago . After God , her family was the most important to her , and she always made time for family . She played the piano for church services until she could no longer read the music , and then she kept playing by ear or from memory . She was thrilled when my husband became a Navy Chaplain , and she prayed for him faithfully every time he deployed . I called her sometimes when I just wanted to talk . She understood my feelings when we moved so frequently , when I was getting established in a new church and making friends , my love for music , and the joys and trials of raising children and working in a ministry . She 'd been there . She could always put my feelings into words . She always prayed for me , as well as for all of her other children and grandchildren , every night . Grandma called me right after 9 - 11 - 01 . I was expecting my second child , and I was due any day . Like so many in my generation , I was about to bring new life into a world that was changing before my eyes , and we did not know what the future would hold . But that is not new to our generation . Grandma was expecting when Pearl Harbor was bombed , and my dad was born the next day . We gave our daughter Grandma 's name for her middle name . Now that Grandma 's mind has been claimed by Alzheimer 's , I do miss her , but I know that our bond cannot be broken . She is still there , somewhere , still a daughter of the King , still living for Him in her own way . Someday she will see Him face to face , and her mind will be cleared . The disease will be obliterated , and she will be reunited with the ones she loves who have gone before . I will see her there , in that great Morning , just as she promised four summers ago . Today was one of those days that I realized just how much I love to homeschool . Beautiful weather , achieved milestones , and a flexible schedule combined to make it an almost perfect day . True , we spent most of the morning inside working on our workbooks like usual . You have to get the hard work done some time . My third - grade daughter didn 't have to sit at the table too long , though . Her assignment for science this morning was to find " simple machines " we use around the house . After a brief walk around the house , writing down a few items , and some time in the kitchen with me showing her different gadgets ( she was only moderately interested ) , she lost herself in the garage . Dad 's workshop - now THERE is a place to study science ! I lost track of how much time she spent out there studying the garage door opener pulleys , the various tools that use levers or inclined planes , and the bicycles . She has a pretty good understanding now of how the simple machines work by themselves , and how they work together in more complex machines . The really exciting " aha ! " moments for me , though , are when I see things suddenly click in my children 's brains , and they start doing things that they weren 't doing before . I still remember the day my other daughter , then in preschool , suddenly realized that she could transform her " scribble writing " into the letters of the alphabet that she had been tracing . She was so excited ! My 4 - year - old son had one of those days today . He enjoys drawing , colors between the lines , and often enjoys doing his own thing while the other kids do " real schoolwork . " Today , though , art class caught his interest . We were talking about how you could use different kinds of straight lines - horizontal , vertical , diagonal , long , short , or broken - for shading in your drawings . This fascinated him . Instead of scribbling on his paper , he could copy the simple lines I was showing them how to make and actually draw a picture . Different kinds of lines made roads , water , or the fur on a teddy bear look real . This was the first time he had ever actually followed the directions in art class and made the same kind of picture that we were making . I could see the concentration in his eyes as he drew a tree , a teddy bear , then a man with hair , mustache , & a beard . I 'm not saying he 's the next great Rembrandt , or even Picasso . But he learned a skill and applied it . And took pride in doing so ! The afternoon brought our reading - out - loud time , which we decided to do outdoors today , since the weather is so beautiful . I sat in the swing under the oak trees and read to my children in God 's positively beautiful creation . This is the most fun I 've ever had in school ! First , I should probably make a confession . I hate baseball . Now , I know that sounds un - American , but I don 't mean that I hate Babe Ruth , the Yankees , or the great American pastime in general . In fact , I love attending professional games in big cities or watching the local farm teams with my family . I especially love the Baltimore Orioles , and I 've even enjoyed some high school and little league games . Of course , I love seeing my own children play more than anything . What I hate is the last several years of unorganized children 's baseball that we have plugged through . Knowing no schedule until the last minute . Finding out every Monday whether or not you have practice that night . Being told there will be no practice or game over Spring Break , making other plans , then being told at the last minute that there is a scrimmage after all . Having several of your children 's teams - within the same league - schedule regular practice at the same times in different places and expecting you to be two or three places at once . Perhaps the more dedicated baseball moms can handle it . I am ready to leave it behind and spend more energy on the bajillion other activities in which my kids are involved . So you can imagine that I was not a happy camper last night when I arrived at the park where we have been playing all season to find out that our team was not playing there . The schedule said we were playing on Field 1 . This park had a Field 5 and a Field 6 . I am new in this town , and I had missed the memo that Field 1 is not at this park . Field 1 and one other field stand alone in a separate park on the other side of town . I tried to call the coach but could not find his number . I checked my email on my iPhone ; there was no email that we would be playing in a different place . I tried to pull up the schedule or a map to where I needed to go online . I couldn 't find anything . I finally went to ask the guy who was supposed to be in charge of the league , and who was at the park where I was . He snapped my head off . He did give me directions , though , and I finally found the place where we needed to be , after trying to get the information for about 45 minutes . We were only 15 minutes late for the game . At this point , I got my son to his field and retreated to the ladies ' room . I needed to be alone . Driving around in strange areas where I don 't know where I 'm going further frustrates me . I did not want to be at this game . I wanted to go home and get a nice cup of coffee . For those of you who are reading this and think I was being utterly ridiculous , you are right . I didn 't need to let myself get that upset . The reason I 'm publishing this anyway is because I know there are others reading this who have been in exactly the same situation . I decided to pull myself together and go back and watch my son play baseball . Then it happened . The pitcher threw the ball . The coach had told my son to try to bunt it . He choked up on the bat and swung . The ball hit his finger . He bent over , said , " OWWW , " then shook it off and was getting ready to bat again . Until he saw the blood . Some males just don 't do well with the sight of their own blood . He came off the field and I ran over to him , not sure whether his finger was broken and I needed to scream and let him know Mommy was here , or whether it was just scratched and I needed to hold back and not embarrass him in front of his friends . I opted for the less dramatic approach and tried to calmly look at his finger . The coach had already seen it and said , " You need to take him to the hospital . " I rushed him out to the car and started trying to think of the best way back to the hospital . I really am not good with directions and was not sure exactly where I was . I took my iPhone out to call my husband , and dropped it on the ground and broke it . This day just kept getting better . I realized the GPS was in the other car , with my husband . OK , I just had to be calm and get to the hospital . I drove out of the ball park and started to turn left , the way I had come , to go back to the highway . Suddenly I felt a shift inside myself . The anxiety was gone instantly . The whining about my bad day stopped . I did not feel lost or confused anymore . Peace took over . I remembered someone saying the ballpark was just past " Kidville . " I knew where that was , and it was close to the hospital . I pictured the map in my head . If I turned right instead of left , Kidville should be over the next hill . I turned right and got to the hospital in less than five minutes . Anyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely horrible with directions . Was it the Holy Spirit telling me where to go , or just a God - given mothering ability to pull yourself together when you have to ? I don 't know . What I do know is that the complaining , whining ( if only to herself ) girl at the ball park was gone , and Mommy was back . " Hey , Mom ! " I heard from the back seat . " If I learn how to fence left - handed while my right hand is broken , then I 'll be ambidextrous . When I 'm having a sword - fight and someone asks why I 'm smiling , I can say , ' Because I know something that you do not know . I am not left - handed ! ' " Apparently , my son is going to be fine as well . He may lose his nail , but the fracture in his finger should be healed in a few weeks . His greatest problem may be the warped sense of humor he has inherited from his parents . Vacation Bible School time is almost upon us again . Oh , you may not think so if you are in third grade and summer vacation still seems a lifetime away ; but if you are a Sunday School teacher or a parent in a local church congregation , chances are the VBS leader has already approached you and asked if you will volunteer in June , July , or August of this year . You may already have your preparation materials in hand . Many years I have rushed , with others in my family and church , from my regular day - job to nighttime VBS , barely having time to grab a quick dinner , during that busiest week of the summer ; and I must admit that at times , I have wondered if it was all worth it . One year I had a particularly difficult teenage boy in my middle school class , who disrupted the class , did everything he could to get attention , and told me every night that he wouldn 't be back the next evening . Well , I could only hope . I was surprised , however , when his mother came to meet me after the closing program on the final evening . " Thank you so much for all you did this week , " she said . " My son has been working in construction this summer , and some evenings he was barely able to get a shower and get here on time , but he absolutely refused to miss it . All he could talk about all week was your class and all the things he was learning here . " There was another summer when I was , once again , in a new church ( see prior posts about military moves ) . I approached my good friend Pam , who was the VBS director , and said , " Pam , I will be happy to do ANYTHING you need me to do for VBS . I can do music , crafts , teach lessons . . . . " Lesson One : Never tell a VBS director you will do ANYTHING . " Great ! " said Pam . " We are planning to serve a light dinner each night to all the kids and workers , since a lot of people don 't have time for dinner before they come here . You can be in charge of cooking for the kids . " Are you kidding me ? Cooking for 100 kids or more each night ? I really was not much of a cook . " Uh , Pam , " I said , " I don 't think you understood . I can do VBS things - you know , music , crafts , stories . I 'm really not comfortable working in the kitchen every night . " Now , you would think that the average VBS director would sigh and say , all right , I 'll find someone else , but not Pam . " Debbi , " she said , looking me right in the eye . " God is asking you to step OUT of your comfort zone . I need you to stretch your abilities and work in the kitchen . " Well , clearly , I ended up working in the kitchen . The amazing thing was how much I learned from the other ladies who were working on the adult workers ' meals in there . On my husband 's next duty assignment , we ended up at a college Academy , where I frequently had 20 or more college students coming to dinner . God had been preparing me for the next job He needed me to do . If you happen to have an excellent VBS director who has the gall to ask you to step out of your comfort zone , give it a try . It 's only for a week , and you might just learn something . And trust me , it 's worth it ! |
It has really been a very sad week , and today was the most distressing of all . At the end of last week , one of the school caretakers had a severe stroke and he died on Tuesday . His wife also works at the school , so it was more personally upsetting for many of the staff . I interviewed him for the job , he was a really nice man and we always greeted each other in a friendly way . Worse , however , was the news today . The head teacher phoned me this morning to say that a student had been found dead at his home by his father . He was 16 , went to the Norfolk Show yesterday with his family and went for a shower when they arrived home . When he didn 't come down again , his dad went looking for him . I knew him from early childhood , though hadn 't spoken to him for years , he was a pupil at the village school . I always greeted his mother in the town , a very sweet woman . One cannot begin to imagine what it could be like . I will write to Aaron 's parents of course , but there is no comfort for them from me or anyone . What is worst ? Early miscarriage or late , death of a baby or a child or a young person ? Being widowed young or very old ? The death of a child or of a parent ? Each is devastating , you cannot quantify it and yet , in some ways , surely this must be one of the worst things to happen , a young person who should have so much ahead of him , who dies so suddenly , from no illness or accident . The brown hen has been coming into the porch for the last couple of weeks to lay her eggs . The other day , the Sage went outside and shut the door , not realising she was in there and I found her a while later , pacing anxiously . Today , I heard a sound at the door and thought it was the postman . I went out to discover that she was tapping from the outside , wanting to come in . Later , I needed to go out myself and checked , and was rather dismayed to find her sitting , blissed out , in the straw - lined box that the Sage had kindly left for her . I didn 't want to leave her , and I don 't want her going broody in such an inconvenient place ( it gets very hot in there in the morning ) so I picked her up , plonked her outside and left a handful of corn . Fortunately , she stood up after a couple of minutes and began to eat it . I 've warned the Sage to keep an eye on her , but sometimes you can 't stop a chicken getting broody . I feel so sorry for them , sitting on eggs that will never hatch . In other animal news , I didn 't mention that Big Pinkie came to stay yesterday . No . 400 is still here and they settled down together at once , both being placid and friendly . Pinkie comes to the gate to be fed apples , as she always used to . The grass has started to grow nicely after the rain , and the two of them wander round the field finding good grazing spots together . It 's all very comfortable and bucolic . The forecast rain arrived around half past three . A few minutes earlier , the Sage used my phone to try to ring the auctioneers in Woodbridge and came through here to say the damn phone didn 't work . I tried the number and I couldn 't get through either , but it didn 't seem to be the phone . All the same , I suggested he use the landline and there was a ringing tone and the receptionist answered . Asked if there was a fault , she explained that there had been a power cut during a storm . A couple of minutes later , as they were still talking , the storm reached here and our own electricity was cut off . And a few minutes later Weeza , with whom I 'd been exchanging emails , said that she was saving her work in case there was a power cut when the oncoming storm hit . So I can confidently say that it was moving south to north . As usual when there is heavy rain , it leaked in above the window near my desk . I keep a towel on the windowsill , but had to get a couple more to deal with all the drips . And then the phone rang . People do choose their moments . I grumbled to the Sage and he explained what needed to be done to stop the leaks happening again . " So you know ? Couldn 't it have been done already , we 've lived here 25 years , " I rather tactlessly enquired . It is quite heartrending , watching the Sage appearing abashed . He has promised to do it , or get it done , I 'm not sure which . Most dismayingly , I 've been quite off alcohol in this humid weather . One night , I just drank water , and other nights a single glass of wine has been enough . I trust that this state of affairs doesn 't last too long . The evenings seem to drag on forever . Weeza 's entry into the world of antiques came rather younger than Ro 's . When she was six or seven weeks old , the Sage helped his friends Norman and Barbara , about whom I wrote last week , with their stall at an antiques fair at Earls Court for two or three days . We took down our Victorian mahogany swinging cradle for her to sleep in , because six week old babies sleep mostly , don 't they - well , we were young and naive and knew no better . You know how it is , that people always say the same witticism as each other ? Like , when you 're seen kneeling , it 's " say one for me while you 're down there . " If you are working in your garden , you are cordially invited to tackle the speaker 's flowerbed when you have done . On that occasion , most people asked , if they bought the cradle , did the baby come free ? There were two or three other jovial remarks that were repeated rather a lot of times , can 't remember what they were at the moment . You may have some ideas yourself . One actually did make me laugh , however . A man peered into the cot and observed " That 's not an antique . It 's a reproduction . " I was reminded , by reading Mike and Ann 's blog today , of the first time that I bid at one of the major auction houses and that , in turn , reminded me of when Ro started his buying career . I told Mike that he was three or four , but I have checked the details with the Sage now , who looked up the sale and Ro was actually five , and the sale was in May 1990 at Sotheby 's . Hug0 M0rley - F1etcher was the auctioneer ( he still appears as an expert on Ant1ques R0adsh0w ) . The Sage and Ro sat at the front and , when the desired item came up , the Sage touched Ro 's elbow and up went his hand . The bidding went up and up - they nearly got the piece quite cheaply , but then a fresh bidder came in and the price doubled in a few minutes . It was a sparrowbeak jug in a Mandarin pattern , we still have it . Finally , the auctioneer 's hammer went down . " Sold ! " he said , pointing , " to this young gentleman . " Ro held up the card with the bidder number . After the auction was over , the Sage told Ro to go and thank the auctioneer . . . and ask for a catalogue - the charge should have been £ 12 but he was given it . Ro often went with his father to view sales in London . At that time , we used to buy a family railcard and could take the children for £ 1 each . We used to blithely let Ro handle the china , when he was very little this caused some anxiety once in a while , as he was reluctant to let go and had to be distracted - though it rarely happened , he was very good . I remember once , I showed him a life - size china greyhound when he wasn 't quite ready to give me an item . There was another sale that we viewed in Woodbridge in 1986 , when he was not yet two years old . There was a Lowestoft birth tablet in that sale and he was very tickled with it . He picked it up and held it to his chest . " Badge ! " he said . That was a rather worried moment before I was able to remove it from his hand . It later sold , not to us , for £ 4 , 200 ( this was a quarter of a century ago , remember , it has probably quadrupled in value now ) . Ro never dropped or damaged anything and , remarkably now I look back , none of the staff ever suggested that it was the least unwise , letting him handle valuable china . It would have been our responsibility if anything had been broken , of course . He was , genuinely , extremely careful and trustworthy . All our children handled china , almost from babyhood , and nothing was ever dropped . Oddly enough , now he of our children has least to do with the china at our auctions . He is in charge of the computer , registering the potential bidders , filling in the prices realised and printing the invoices . Weeza helps at the view , taking china to be looked at and handled , and Al holds up each piece during the auction for people to be sure what they are bidding for . None of them collects art or antiques , although Weeza , in particular , is pretty knowledgeable about Lowestoft china . We have just got home from a party , a joint 70th wedding anniversary . That is , 40 years for one couple and 30 for the other . We have known all four of them for a very long time and saw a lot of friends , including our last Rector and his wife and daughter . They are really good friends , the sort that you just catch up with at once , however long ago that you saw them . And yes , we did dance . Energetically ( barn dancing , with a caller ) and I am shockingly puffed out . Still , my hips are fine , so I am more than happy . That reminds me , and will bring me right down to earth again , it 's Ro 's birthday in a month 's time . No idea what he might like as a present . I 'll go off and worry for a while before bedtime . Today has been quieter . I 've been catching up with emails and typing . I went in to the school at lunchtime , walked around the field with the Head ( he does the rounds every day and he happened to be going out as I arrived ) and I saw the people I wanted to . Hugs and chats and so on , and then I called in at the village school on the way home . It had an inspection the week before we did , and now the news is official , that they have received ' good with outstanding features , " which is marvellous . I love that school , I was a governor there for 18 years and it will always be dear to me , although I left five years ago . Don 't feel obliged , but if you want to read the report , it 's here . This is an evaluation under the current framework and ours is under the new one , we 're one of 150 schools in the pilot . We are having a piece of ground paved over , it 's on the east side of the house , open to the south but shaded from mid - afternoon . The chickens having taken over the lawn , we tend not to sit and eat out there any more , so I suggested using this sheltered area instead . I suspect we will use it during the day and , if we want to sit out , will go round the other side of the house in the evening , but we haven 't time for that at present anyway . We had some sharp sand delivered and the Sage took the driver out a cup of tea and chatted for a few minutes . The tray is one that my mother - in - law had made for us when Weeza and Al were little , with photos set in - nearly all of Weeza , actually . In one of them , the Sage 's father , Pa , was holding her and the driver recognised him . The Sage was really pleased to share memories . It was one of our better decisions , moving here to the Sage 's childhood home . And today , to take my mind off things , I helped clear by the hedge on the front field . The brambles have built up badly for several years and , now that the partridges and pheasants have nested , it seemed a good time to get rid of them and let light and air through to the mostly hawthorn hedge . In the afternoon , they moved on to the other hedge , along by the road ( although still the field side , the road side is kept tidy ) . About 10 or 12 feet of rubbish has been taken out . We will , of course , still encourage wildlife , and birds to nest . But the grass is in poor condition and will be improved by grazing , so we are going to fence the field , provide water ( there is a stand pipe nearby ) and have some cows or sheep on there for a while . The day never starts well with a dental appointment . . . still , just a check - up and nothing needs to be done . If it had been , I 'd have had to cancel tomorrow 's blood - letting . Dear oh dear , feels like a draining week . I arrived home to find Al 's old Morris Minor ( it is old , although not as old as I am ) out of its garage . Mike was taking it away to have a look at it . Al has decided to sell it . This is a big decision , it was his 17th birthday present and gosh , that is over half his lifetime ago . I 'm looking out of the window at a broom in flower - not the sort you sweep the floor with , the plant broom , obviously . I grew it from seed about 20 years ago . I grew several , in fact , and I think this is the last one left . It has grown into a small tree , which was rather unexpected as the rest stayed bushy and not very tall . This one is 15 or 20 feet high . If I had known it would grow so tall , I wouldn 't have planted it there . It 's not in the way , exactly , but now it overhangs the phone line . And , when it was windy a couple of weeks ago , a branch ( that did not overhang the phone line ) broke . The wood split so it is still attached , and we can see , at the join , that there is a small amount of rot . We haven 't cut it off yet , it was in bud at the time so I thought it might as well flower . It 's looking rather pretty - the rest of the tree , that is - with a rather mimosa - esque air . However , I think that we have had a warning and I 'm afraid that severe pruning is in order . It will sprout again ; it has where we removed one branch that showered Dilly with rain regularly , as it was just above where she parks her car . However , it will look fairly unattractive for quite some time . I haven 't reported progress on the drive project for some time . It 's all been rather bitty . We need to get everything done as far as possible to the same extent before the whole thing is completed . However , progress is being made and yesterday , the Sage and I walked around the garden deciding on priorities for the next jobs . Richard is coming with his digger tomorrow , and both he and Jamie will be along on Thursday and Friday , so we can get a lot done . It is indeed costing a lot , but we 've not spent much here for years , so it 's about time . Once the last of one 's children grow up , leave home and become financially independent , one realises how much they used to cost . The garden can receive the benefit this year . The whole garden , never mind the drive project , is rather bitty and so will never be a thing of great beauty . It will be reasonably pretty , in parts , and enjoyable for children to play in because there are nice little hidden - away areas plus open spaces , it will still attract wildlife because there are large parts that we will leave as much as possible , and the chickens will still be free to roam anywhere but the vegetable garden . I will , no doubt , be very frustrated when they eat my flowers , but I 'd rather have happy chickens than flowers . The new border will , if necessary , have shrubs rather than herbacious perennials in it . I can grow them in the vegetable garden . That is bigger than we need , now I don 't grow anything for Al to sell . Oh , and there is a low wall for me to build . I 'm looking forward to that . It won 't be a decorative one , or even a barrier . It 's just to stop the lawn falling on to the drive and will be no more than a foot high . I can 't remember if I said , a few weeks ago , there was a programme about Morecambe and Wise and we were really pleased when they showed a short clip of an episode in which a friend of ours appeared . It prompted me to Google his name and , on IMDB , I found out which episode it was . I promptly ordered that series from Amazon and squirrelled it away for a suitable occasion . When Ro was at a loss for a birthday present for his father , I offered it to him . Norman and Barbara were dear friends of the Sage 's . They had an antique shop in London and often did business together ; the Sage was a full - time auctioneer at that time and they bought a good deal of stuff from him . Norman 's day , or rather evening , job was musician ; he was a pianist and a composer and played at all sorts of events , night clubs , variety shows , the Ritz - he was the pianist there too , although I don 't think he ever overshadowed the soup and annoyed the chef to the point of violence * , he was far too considerate for that . The year before I married the Sage , Norman and Barbara 's daughter Carole had her 21st birthday party at the Ritz and the Sprig * * was a guest . One of the highlights of his social life , that was , it was fabulous . And the first time he took me to London on my own ( we had gone there with his friend Arthur the week before to an art exhibition ) , sort of our first date , he took me to their shop to introduce me to them . They were highly intrigued , he had never been seen by them with a woman before , and along he came with an extremely young girl ( well , compared to him , that is ) who hardly said a word , and no explanation ! Anyway , Norman died some years ago and Barbara is in her 80s now and has recently moved house to live near Carole , and we phone each other a couple of times a year . The 60s and 70s were the best years , I suppose , he was earning and spending a lot of money and having plenty of fun . He was absolutely lovely and we remember him with great affection . I 've just checked the DVD to find the episode with Norman in - if you happen to have the programmes , it 's Series 9 , Episode 5 , very near the start . It was absolutely lovely to see him again , and I 'd forgotten that the sketch lasted several minutes . I shall put it on the Sage 's laptop later , he will love it too . The Sage is such an enthusiast . He has been reminiscing , rather beyond my capacity , I must confess . I don 't have a bad memory , but to remember when something happened , it 's best if there 's something to hang it on , as it were . For example , I know exactly when Miss Fitt died , because it was the year that Ro was born ( she was thrilled to be able to hold and cuddle him , she loved children ) and she lived to 101 years and 6 months , to the day . Since I remember her birthday and how old Ro is , I can work it out . But then he was asking me other dates and I have only a vague idea . He started to talk about Mrs Dare , Miss Fitt 's blind sister . He spoke of her with such warmth that I was puzzled . " Did you meet her ? ' " Oh yes , " he said , " I remember her well . " Since I don 't , not very well , and he could only possibly know the family through us , I was more puzzled , and pondered for a while . I finally pointed out that she died well before he moved to Lowestoft , when I was still a child . He tried to argue for a bit , but I had my facts marshalled by then , and so he had to agree that he never actually knew her at all . He and I met when I was 16 , in early February 1970 ( I 'm afraid I cannot give you the exact date in this instance ) . " I heard all about her , " he protested . " I feel as if I knew her . " He does that , you know , and I 've so often seen the look of bewilderment on someone 's face when he talks about someone as though about a friend , and it turns out to be someone who lived at least 80 years ago . Most people are far too polite to challenge him , even when he starts to ask if they knew him or her too ? It 's very amusing to watch , though it drives me nuts when he does it to me . I am boringly precise about verifiable details and uninterested in speculating on ones that cannot be checked , and he is rather the opposite . Weeza can hardly bear to watch us when we have that sort of conversation , though the boys find it quite entertaining . Looking at my diary , I see that we are going to another party next Saturday . This is turning out to be the most sociable year we have had for a very long time . I 'm rather awkwardly aware that those to whom we ' owe ' hospitality are not , in the main , the ones who have been here , so I 'd better get going and find some free weekends to ask them over . Although it has to be said , it 's rather safer to get near the time and phone on the chance they 're free - those things planned weeks ahead can become inconvenient in the end . I don 't suppose that we 're in any way unusual , in that a free week can suddenly get booked up and the event at the end of it becomes difficult to fit in at all . Our friend Daphne , who was unable to come today , has suggested that we have a party to celebrate the car 's 82nd birthday on 3rd August . She has known the Sage for about 60 years and remembers when he bought the car . I shall soon exhaust my pudding repertoire at this rate . Wink has to leave very early tomorrow morning to get back for the Bod 's birthday celebrations . She says that she will not wake us - although one or other of us is usually awake very early , even if we don 't get up straight away . There was torrential rain today , by the way . First a hailstorm , which was a bit of a surprise , and then several downpours , with a thunderstorm . Rain is traditional at this time of the year , of course , but we don 't often get hail in mid - June . Quite impressive . I woke up early again , around 5 . 30 and listened , but there was no sound from the fireplace so I played Angry Birds for a while on my phone . The sound an hour later was from a desperate , rather than an angry bird . The Sage was still asleep , so I got up , moved the chest of drawers and uncovered the fireplace . The dove was flopped in the grate , but it fluttered strongly enough when I picked it up and flew away when I released it through the open window . I hope it found water quickly and has survived . I wasn 't surprised ; in my experience they do not leave the apparent safety of the fireplace unless you chivvy them . Wink has arrived and brought pouring rain from the West Country with her . I have made three meat dishes for tomorrow and will do two vegetable ones in the morning . I have also made two of the three puddings . I am quite agitated , however , in case there is not enough food . This does not , you understand , indicate that there is not enough food , just that I am never entirely comfortable unless I have overcatered . Rather splendidly , the major fuss I made here the other day has got it out of my system and I 've been feeling better since then . . In part because there is too much else to do - once I took in that I haven 't time to hang about , there 's so much to be getting on with , I stopped dwelling on the frustration that the thing that we are waiting for has not happened . And so I 'm still burning the candles ( just at one end ) but I 'm listening to music too in the evenings . This morning , I had just woken up when , at around 6 o ' clock , I heard the sound of a dove falling down the bedroom chimney . I knew it was a dove because I could hear that it was a large bird , but pigeons never do fall down . Maybe they just have a better sense of balance . There is a board in front of the fireplace and a chest of drawers in front of that . When we got up , we moved them and left the windows open and the door shut . I don 't know if it got out as I went out for lunch ; the Sage shut them later on the assumption that it had probably gone . I hope so . We will find out at first light tomorrow ; if it is still there it will start to flutter again and I will get up straight away and let it go . There are ledges in the old chimney where it was sitting when I looked for it this morning . As you can tell , I 've dealt with this regularly over the past 25 years . We do occasionally have birds come down the drawing room chimney , but less frequently , and they are smaller birds . This chimney is lined so there are no ledges . Once , my cleaning lady came to tell me , in some agitation , that there were two black and white birds flying around the room . A pair of swallows had fallen down . We were able to get them out of the window , but there was a fair amount of clearing up to do . At least , since we never light a fire in the bedroom , there is no soot . I spent some more time this evening looking at photos . Some of the few in existence of my grandmother , who died when I was two and whom I don 't remember at all . She was holding my sister as a baby or standing by my grandfather and he was holding her . It 's indistinct and I can 't really see what she looked like , but I don 't think she was bothered in the least about her appearance . It was just as well , she had had cancer in her face and and radiation treatment , which I think must have been fairly haphazard at that time ( I think it was the 1930s ) had destroyed some of the bone , which periodically worked its way out , and she wore a scarf or bandage round her head to hide the damage . Just a casual knotted piece of material . It looked quaint , but I don 't suppose she cared , from what I have heard of her . Although I 've done a fair amount of reminiscing here over the years , I don 't look back much . My mother told me a lot of stories about her and my father 's past , but I don 't think I have done as much to my children . It 's a bit late to start now , they 'd think it was the ramblings of an old woman . Er . . . Anyway , I have succeeded in buying a birthday present for the Sage , which is rather a relief , as his birthday is on Friday . It is a saucer . He will love it . Soon , I must start to think about his party on Saturday . There will be 21 or 22 of us - though that does include the children , and I don 't suppose that Hadrian will take much part in the festivities . I 'm going out tomorrow , but I 'd better allow time to do some shopping , and then cook on Friday . I could have planned ahead really , couldn 't I . Bit late now . Darlings , I know that there is nothing in the world that you want more at this moment than pictures of the young Z , is there . Is there ? Oh . Well , you 're getting them anyway . As I said , I 'm doing some turning out of my mother 's things and I was awfully pleased to come across her Christmas crib - she and my father bought it in Woolworth 's in 1947 , the year they were married , when just about everything was in short supply or rationed and they didn 't have much money anyway . No doubt , you will be shown it in six months ' time . There was also the fairy for the tree , who isn 't very pretty , to be honest , and the last of the bird tree decorations that I loved so much as a child . I didn 't know that she had kept one . I also found several packs of photos . Also , in a walnut box with some odds and ends I was surprised to find a lock of my hair . I vaguely remember promising to bring it back from the hairdresser 's when I finally had my long hair cut , which I think was sometime in my late 20s . These are all of me in my twenties . The first is me and my mother , at her house - not the house I grew up in , she and my stepfather moved house in the late 1970s . It was before The Haircut . The second was taken in 1981 , when Joepie , our childhood au pair visited . In the third , I 'm with Miss Fitt ( sadly , her real name ) . She died in 1984 at the age of 101 and this was her 100th birthday party , so it must have been June 1983 . The next time is the same party , although the colour of my jacket is quite different - the truth is probably somewhere in between . The last of these pictures was taken in our lovely Edwardian house in Lowestoft and my stepfather , Wilf , is in the foreground . That 's all of me , but this picture of Wink is so lovely that I want to show it to you . Isn 't she pretty ? That 's during the same visit made by Joepie ( Dutch , short for Johanna , pronounced Yoopi ) . Finally , Al with the Sage 's Ma at Miss Fitt 's birthday and Weeza and Al in 1981 . They must have been 7 and 5 at the time . Sorry about the mark on Al 's face , I didn 't notice before I scanned the pic and I can 't be arsed to do it again . Sentiment can only go so far . Sheesh . This evening , I cannot find music to fit my mood , or else soothe it . I 've tried a range of stuff , and it all irritates me . I have turned it off and lit a candle instead . I 'm becoming a nervous wreck . Time was , you got a longish period of notice of a school inspection , but you knew when it would be . Then you got short notice ( at one time , it could be no notice at all , they might just walk in , but I don 't think this happened to many schools ) . This time , they told us that we 're in the pilot group , but not when they would come . I am not consciously worrying , but my shoulders hurt because they are so tense , my face aches because I 'm grinding my teeth and I wake every hour or so at night . Even the Sage is irritating me , because he 's so cheerful . Well , not just that . Someone called in for a school business conversation and he monopolised the conversation throughout , with the result that we weren 't able to have our discussion . I 'm sorry . It 's just that there 's so much to do , and this is holding us up . I 'm also attempting to do some turning - out , things belonging to my mother . Yes , she died eight years ago , but this is stuff that stayed in a cupboard in Al and Dilly 's house for some time , so it 's only been in a spare room for five years or so and it just got left . Now , I 'm being a good example to the Sage . He has a room to turn out , and he needs somewhere to put his things . There 's no point in nagging , I 've got to have a practical solution or the work will never get done . Anyway , much of my mother 's stuff has turned out to be old papers , not interesting ones but newspaper cuttings and bank and tax papers , so it can all be burned . But every half hour or so , someone calls or the phone rings and then I don 't get back to it . I can see that this will take me quite some time . So far , one boxful to keep , four to get rid of . I cannot see that we will ever be in a position to downsize . Having said that , Ro 's room is as he left it when he moved out , and it 's a huge room . Lined with cupboards and shelves , it could solve all our storage space issues . I wonder if he 'd mind . Now it 's raining properly , at last . Showers were forecast yesterday - I went to London with a waterproof jacket and sunglasses in my bag , though only needed the sunspecs , because it was dry all day and sunny for an appreciable part of it . It was lovely at 7 . 30 this morning when I first went out , not a cloud in the sky . We had lunch with Weeza and co . Zerlina does enjoy food . She ate the sausage first , then the carrot and asked for more . She cleared her plate ( chicken , roast potato , chipolata , carrot , asparagus ) , picking up the asparagus neatly with her fingers , although eating the stalk first rather than the tip . Then she ate ice cream . After that , she wanted to have a go on her swing , so I pushed her for rather a long time . Swings are rather more fun when you 're swinging than when you 're pushing . Please read each part of that sentence entirely in its context , btw . She is a tall and slender little girl with a lot of energy , but she also needs plenty of sleep . Her mother ensures that she still has an afternoon nap , which is quite unusual in a child of her age ( Weeza herself was impossible to keep in bed for a nap after 18 months or so ) but I 'm sure that it 's good for her . I took a present for each of them ; Adnam 's bitter for Phil , grape juice for Weeza and a book for Zerlina . It is a book written by my friend Charlotte , who stayed with us a few months ago . She only wrote and illustrated three books , as she had bad RSI and couldn 't draw any more ; we bought the first one when Ro was young and we still have it , but the others were for younger children and I didn 't get it at the time . I haven 't yet given any thought to the Sage 's birthday present . He is terribly difficult to buy for . I noticed , the other day , that I 've driven 16 , 000 miles in my car since I bought it , 32 months ago . How neat . I still do not particularly warm to it , but it has to be said that Mercedes make good cars , or they did 13 years ago , anyway . Well over 100 , 000 miles and it 's ( regrettably ) still going strong and I have no excuse to trade it in . The Sage is working on his old Rover at present , almost everything is wrong with it . He and his friend Mike ( the * other * Mike and Ann , if you came to the party ) spent all day on it , and got it working in the end . It didn 't help that a mouse had made its home there . The electrics are still to be done , but the plan is to have it on the road for August in time for its 83rd birthday . The tube back , it was about 5 . 30 and , although a Saturday , was very crowded . We were jammed in and some people had to stay on the platform and wait for the next train . A lot of tourists , who found the crowds good fun and were smiling . There was a group of Spanish people and one of them was talking loudly to another , a few yards away . Her voice was not only loud , but piercing and I tried to keep my head turned for her voice not to blast right into my ear . Standing there strap - hanging , I pondered - if asked , I 'd say I don 't like crowds at all and I feel oppressed if there are too many people around me , but the only discomfort I felt was because I was too hot and wished I 'd taken my jacket off . I tried to think it through - I think it was the patience that made the difference . There was physical consideration , people were trying not to touch , but being good - humoured if it was unavoidable . Because we were all standing still - that is , swaying about a bit but not moving along - I wasn 't nervous of being knocked over . Um . Still doesn 't entirely add up . Tomorrow , we are having lunch with Weeza and family . She and Phil want to go and check out dishwashers without Zerlina , so the Sage and I will babysit after lunch ( she still has a nap , so I must remember to take the papers to read , or a book ) . It isn 't indeed . We 've been awaiting the Ofsted call for an inspection for the last three weeks and have still not received it . The village school , Al says , has . They are to be inspected next Tuesday and Wednesday . They will do well , it 's a jolly good little school and has been for at least the last 23 years - I became a governor there in September 1988 and Ro started there as a pupil in April 1989 . 18 years , I retired in 2006 , and I still refer to myself as part of it ; that is , I say " we " rather than " I . " I probably always will . I 'm ludicrously tenacious . Interestingly , though it 'll be the first inspection in the new school buildings and there isn 't a permanent Head at present . The excellent Head left in February and they interviewed for a replacement , but no one came nearly up to scratch . One of the teachers was asked to be acting head for the time being , rather than bring in someone temporary , a mark of how well the staff all work together . Tomorrow , I 'm going to London to meet my sister . We 're meeting for lunch and then going to the Albert Hall to see this - which , actually , I 've only just looked up , I wasn 't at all sure what we were going to . She rang a few weeks ago to suggest it , I 'm happy to go and will enjoy it , though I 'm not big on dance in particular . Probably because I 'm not the most ' visual ' person , unless it 's printed - for example , I forgot to put in my contact lens this morning and I only noticed a few minutes ago that things were a bit soft - focus . This afternoon , I unpacked the dishwasher and started to remove the filter at the bottom to rinse it clean , but not all the water had drained . I checked that the programme had finished ( not entirely daft , darlings ) and then that the drainage hose hadn 't kinked , and then put on a rinse programme to see if it was a one - off . It wasn 't . I phoned John Lewis where we bought it from , and got a call - out number to give the service people . I was in a queue when I rang that number so decided to do it online - but while I was looking at the website , I noticed instruction manuals . On that , it said that the pump might have just blocked and to try resetting it . Well whoopee . Glad I did , and so saved myself from looking an idiot with a service engineer call - out . I 've got the instruction book here somewhere , of course , but I 've put it away very , very securely . Last night 's was a short post , because I was completely distracted by the news I 'd had at around 6 o ' clock . I had been making minestrone soup - how is it , by the way , that I never seem to be able to make a small amount of minestrone ? Nearly 8 pints , and I 've added more stock to the leftovers today . I should say , that we packed away a lot of it last night and had more for lunch today . I left the soup to cook in the bottom oven for a final half hour , poured a glass of wine and came in here to check emails , and found one from the school business manager . The title was Fwd : Academy Order approval ( * name of school * ) . Do you know , I almost cried . A huge smile on my face , I had a swig of wine and read the message . From her , it just said ' Sent from my iPhone ' . Beneath , it started " Dear Lynn , I am delighted to tell you that the Secretary of State and Lord Hill have approved your application to convert to academy status . " It was a warm and friendly letter and , I must say , that our project lead at the Department of Education is very helpful and reassuring whenever we get in touch with him . We are on track , having done a great deal of preliminary work ( engaged solicitors , obtaining land deeds , engaged financial , pension and HR services , obtained quotes for insurance , accountants and so on , but there 's still a lot to do . Ironically , the least to do is in school . The thing is , the school is great . We have excellent staff who work together really well , an exceptional Head and governors are shrewd and knowledgeable managers who monitor what 's going on . The students are great , and I know that because I go into lessons regularly and get to know them . We have a very wide curriculum ; being in a rural and not a wealthy area , we need to provide both sound academic education as well as arts and vocational courses . We want to protect this against the push to narrow the curriculum in schools . We will transfer all the terms and conditions of all the staff ( as we 're required to do ) but , although we could change them afterwards , we do not intend to . Why would we ? Tonight , I went out for dinner and wore stilettos , for the first time in ages . Since having my hip done , I 've been able to wear heels , though best not everyday , but they 've mostly been reasonably substantial ; wedges or , at least , chunky . But I put on my pale pink stilettos , that I bought for Weeza 's wedding six years ago ( so are practically new , especially as they haven 't been worn for three or four years ) and they felt comfortable , if I was a little tottery . All we need now is Ofsted . Ahem . The Sage and I went out together today . It was largely a business meeting , but the person has a china collection which the Sage was invited to see , and he asked if I might come too , which was thoughtful of him . However , it indicates an alarming degree of togetherness . This is the third time in five days that he has included me in something he 's doing and it 's quite uncommon . Not sure if it 's good for us . How am I to surprise and delight him in the evening if we have spent the day in each other 's company ? It 's his birthday next week , and my sister announced her intention of coming to visit for the celebrations . The Sage has never particularly celebrated his birthday and has never encouraged me to arrange anything beyond an invitation to the immediate family . However , this time , I thought that something should be done , and Weeza had the smart notion that I suggest we celebrate his fifty years as an auctioneer , and that we invite some of his oldest friends and also his fellow - collectors . Remarkably , this worked and he 's quite keen . So , on Saturday week , we shall have a party . Another party , that is . And we have two invitations pending . We 've not had such a social whirl for a long time - whirl being a relative term , of course . More like a slow twist than a dizzying twirl , but at this rate we might get back to the old days , when we had a circle of friends whom we often saw . I 'd love it . I like cooking for a lot of people . I should make it very clear , there were some excellent teachers at that school , though there were also some poor and indifferent ones . I may go back to the topic - in fact I 'd like to , if only to think it through for myself . I was quite happy there , and if I was unstimulated I didn 't mind , I preferred to be left alone . My sister , however , was not happy at all and , looking back , it 's hard to understand why our parents didn 't move her to another school . Today , I spent at the high school , first with a meeting between me , the head and the financial manager . There 's a lot happening , in preparation for becoming independent of the local authority . We 've not had our application accepted yet , but have been told that we 've passed the preliminary stages . After that , I spent the rest of the day in Year 9 music . It 's at the limit of what I can help with , sometimes a bit beyond , as it involves composition and I don 't have the knowledge . I was better with the afternoon group than the morning one , having picked up some useful tips . In addition , the afternoon group are very friendly , if , on occasion , slightly too much so . I 'm too old and experienced to get myself into difficulties , and they are fine . Teenagers are great , and it 's interesting to see how a tricky personality can get drawn into a lesson and do some really good work . This evening , I went round the Common on a trailer , drawn by a tractor . There is an annual inspection , where a couple of dozen owners see what 's going on and how it 's being maintained . It is a privately - owned common , where 400 acres are owned in 300 shares , known as ' goings ' , mainly by private individuals , but also by charities and the town council . The Sage , who is a Common Reeve ( voluntary management committee member ) owns 10 goings ; I went as a representative for his cousin . A large part of the common is rented by the golf club , much of the rest is let for cattle grazing , and the rest is open to the public for walking on . More management is required than you 'd think ; a lot of birch and oak saplings grow from seed and have to be cut down , as does gorse and various wild flowers , when in the wrong place . At present , the main problem is dog - walkers on the golf course , who seem oblivious to the danger of beetling into the line of fire of a driven ball . There 's plenty of space for them to walk , it seems perverse to trot along the fairways . Afterwards , we went for a drink at the golf club . It was a lovely sociable atmosphere and I rather wished I played , or had the least inclination to , for the pleasure of going there . When we finally rolled home , I couldn 't be bothered to cook . I put a frozen pizza in the oven . The school I went to was pretty poor , frankly . It was a nice little school for nice girls , especially Catholic ones , which I wasn 't . The reasons for us going there were - well , it 's easy to come up with a theory , but how am I to know whether it 's accurate ? My sister , who is five years older than I , was down to go to Sherborne , but my mother reckoned that Lowestoft was better for her health ( she had sinus problems and still suffers from severe hay fever ; Lowestoft was reckoned to be good for lungs and there had been a TB hospital on the sea front ) so cancelled that . Then she met a girl who went to the local private school , in Southwold , and didn 't find her manners up to scratch , so decided that she 'd rather we went to day school . The local one was okay , but not great , at primary level and fairly rubbish later on . I suggested , really quite politely , in later years that my parents weren 't too bothered about education for girls , it would have been different if we were boys . My mother was affronted , but it was true . It was a different world , half a century ago . I have additional thoughts on the subject , but they are better kept to myself . I am frank , but rarely disloyal . Having said that , I didn 't mind my school , and was perfectly content there . I wasn 't stretched , but I read a lot - I read encyclopaedias for pleasure , which I 'm sure some of you did , but I doubt that many do now - and I did okay . Science was almost non - existent , which confirms my view that my parents didn 't think that education for girls mattered ( my father studied science at university and was a mathematician too - in fact , he was that person that may not exist any more , a polymath , as his knowledge of literature and the arts was wide - ranging too ) and the maths teachers were rubbish . Anything I knew was learned from my father . I remember one Geometry lesson where the teacher got stuck in the middle of a problem and , finally , a kind and clever girl ( not me ) finally got up and solved it on the blackboard . We were such nice girls ( I 'm not kidding , my class had the reputation of being the least trouble in the whole school ) that we didn 't even hold it against the teacher - not so much through kindness as because we didn 't really care . I 'm talking about the late 1960s . It wasn 't cool to be too enthusiastic , and we must have not been easy to teach . Well , I wasn 't , at any rate . I was dreadfully shy , but I was also pretty arrogant , and not a team player in the least . I listened and thought , but I didn 't join in . Actually , the Head of the high school says of me now that I listen without saying much , and then come in with a killer comment at the end . I dunno about that , but I am better joining in with a small group than a large one , and I do like to think around the subject . However , the reason , in those days - and this is a confession , darlings , one that will be the despair of the teachers among you - that I thought that it was daft to give away a good idea . Listen to the others , think of a different angle and then put it in an essay . No one else would get the credit . Hah ! But also , a lack of pushiness came in . Even if I 'd wanted to say something , I 'd have been talked down by someone else . Maybe ( this refers back to an eaPS - A rival for Woolydogs ? - double take In today 's post , Christopher refers to the Latin writer Horace , whose Odes he studied for Latin A Level . I read Ars Poetica for mine , and loved it . I still mutter quotations from it at pertinent moments , although it 's better not to do so out loud , because that would be very irritating . Another writer we studied was Pliny , who wrote a lot of letters and then published them . I 've forgotten most of the ones we read and translated , but there are a few that still stand out in my memory . Pliny the younger was the nephew of the elder Pliny , who died in the eruption of Vesuvius . He wasn 't there when the volcano erupted , but dutifully went to see what was going on , and also to attempt to rescue people in his boat , and was overcome by fumes . Pliny wrote a very interesting account of what went on , brought back to him by survivors . I joined the class in its second year , having left school with two A levels ( English and History ) because my school , on the verge of closing down , had a severely limited range of subjects to choose from . I had flunked Latin and chosen to learn to type instead of taking French , but in the Upper Sixth I changed my mind , took up both of them again and passed , and then decided I wanted to take A levels in both subjects . I had , years earlier , skipped a year so I was not quite 18 at the start of the school year and went to the local high school for an extra crack at exam - taking . At the start of one lesson , I observed some chuckling going on . The teacher was going round the class and each girl ( it was a co - ed school , but it so happened that Latin , that year , was only being taken by girls ) had to translate a couple of lines . Since I always sat near the back , I 'd only bothered to prepare the second half of the epistle - well , I say bothered , but I was being pragmatic . It took me longer than everyone else to do half the work - so I didn 't know why , but they 'd worked out that the embarrassing line was going to be translated by the most unsophisticated girl in the class . I 'd had to make an effort to be less shy , joining a new school , and I had reasonable social skills in any case , which were the reasons that was not me . The subject of the epistle was a shocking incident that had happened at the baths . There was a rich , elderly Roman who was notoriously cruel to his slaves and some of them attacked and tried to kill him . It described how one slave seized him while others hit him in his face and private parts . I can 't remember the Latin for private parts , but that 's the direct translation . Poor Elaine stammered and stopped when she got to that bit and couldn 't carry on . " Groin , translate it as groin , " said the teacher , kindly . As I remember , for I 'm sure you will want to know , the Roman survived the attack for a few days , but then died and the slaves were put to death horribly , although some of them escaped . Interestingly , the rich Roman 's father had been a freed slave ( as was Horace 's father ) and it 's perhaps surprising that he was so unpleasant to his own slaves . The third epistle that I remember was unintentionally hilarious if meant solemnly , but still entertaining if written as a tease ( which it probably was , no one could be that pompous and not mean to be ) . He had invited a friend to dinner , but the friend didn 't show up . Pliny wrote to reprimand him , saying that he had to pay up the not inconsiderable value of the feast - which included a whole lettuce . Each ! As well as three snails and two eggs ! Presumably , the no - show had preferred to watch dancing girls and eat sea - urchins than have intelligent conversation and listen to a poetry recital , scolded Pliny . I 'm spending the weekend catching up on work , so that Monday won 't catch me unawares . I 'm up with most of it now , but have run out of steam . Still have a rousing hymn to choose for tomorrow , Once I 've got my piano back , I 'll have no excuse not to practise . Choosing hymns , I look at the type of service , the time of church year , the theme of the service , I look up the readings - I 'm very conscientious . I should have been going to a funeral on Monday , but I found out that I 've been included in a lunch for 24 people , which will be on 3 tables and I 'm supposed to be hosting one of the tables . The organiser had forgotten to give me the date - it had been cancelled because of a power cut and rearranged , but I wasn 't there when the others were told . I feel badly about missing the funeral , but I did have a long chat with her son today and the Sage will go , you can 't fit in everything and I don 't want to disappoint my friend . I also had a chat with my doctor , at the same social event . He told me that he is retiring in November - he 'd already told the Sage a while ago , but is politely telling each person that he can individually . He 's been my doctor for 25 years and I 'll be sorry to see him go . I like him very much , we understand each other . He has high standards , which might seem an odd thing to say - that is , if I went along for a vague whinge , he 'd be slightly disappointed , because he 'd expect something more specific from me . If I were needy or frail , he 'd amend his expectations . He said , if all his patients visited him as often as I did , he 'd not have been very busy . Once every five years is about the norm , which shows how fortunate I am with my health . I did go more often for a couple of years about my hip , and it was actually quite hard not to whinge then , so I always made sure that I had something practical to suggest . He has arthritis in his knees and was limping slightly but noticeably . I 'm glad I 've got hips rather than knees - though would rather not have it at all , of course . Bloody arthritis . He asked me how my hip is ( doctors usually avoid asking after one 's health when off duty , I took it as a compliment , that he knew I wouldn 't turn it into a consultation ! ) and I said it 's fine . " Glad you had it done ? " " Yes , I am , " I said , simply . I slept thoroughly last night and caught up on the previous night 's insomnia . It 's a nuisance , though . I 'm drinking strong black coffee right now . I hope that coffee doesn 't start to affect me . I don 't mind decaff , but one doesn 't normally have a choice of blend or roast and , although I don 't have the number of coffees that I do of teas , I do like to choose what sort I feel like drinking . I heard birds calling in a warning tone , looked out and there was a cat in the garden . I went out to tell it to leave , and there was a branch of a broom lying on the ground , though still attached to the trunk . I grew it from seed over 20 years ago and it grew unexpectedly tall , small tree sized rather than bushy . I think that some major lopping will be needed . No really , I didn 't sleep . Ten minutes , sometime between 1 . 40 and 2 . 00 am . I got up at 3 . 20 and roamed around the house disgustedly until the blackbirds started to sing . I 've nearly fallen asleep a couple of times today , but I 'd rather not , now it 's this late , and hope I 'll sleep tonight . Enough about a singularly boring subject . I did get a cuddle with Hadrian today , he was awake and tranquil - he doesn 't really cry , which is just like his father was as a baby . Last night , he didn 't go to sleep until 1 , but only woke once during the night so they felt they 'd had a good night 's rest . I phoned Charlotte this evening - you may remember , she 's my half - Dutch friend who visited a couple of months ago . She was very over - stressed at the time , which I didn 't say , and she 's been in hospital , recovering . She 's fine now , and has decided to live in England again , which will be good . I rang to tell her about Hadrian . The front field was cut for hay yesterday and baled today . Those huge , 6 foot diameter bales . The grass was short , but full of good seed so will be nutritious . However , hay will be in short supply , the bales are worth £ 80 each , but Graham needs them for winter feed , he won 't be selling them . Mind you , that small amount of rain we had has made the grass green up surprisingly . Big Pinkie , the friendly and elderly cow , will not join us yet . She is in with a field of heifers , teaching them to take life slow . 400 is quite happy on her own , Jonny phoned earlier , and suggested bringing 77 back now she had settled down . We said no . . . frankly , if she wanted to leave again , I 'd not stand in her way . What a beautiful day . The showers of the last week have made me appreciate sunny days again . Richard brought his mini - digger and has been widening the drive again ; the gravelled area , for those of you who have been here . The big heap of aggregate is nearly gone and we will have as much parking area as we want in another day or two . That isn 't to say that the drive is nearly finished . That 's going to take ages . The Sage loves a project , but he 's not so good at finishing one . Planning and putting into action is what he 's good at , but then he gets bored and wants to move on to the next thing . I 'm more of a plodder . I am not spectacular , but I stick at it , once I 've started . Dilly is feeling quite well , but she hasn 't had the easiest time . In medicine , as in so many spheres , things go in fashions and in cycles . The latest anxiety is clots . Since her first two babies were born by Caesarean section , the third had to be , and this time she has had to have blood - thinning injections for a week afterwards , which Al has administered . However , she 's had quite a lot of bleeding from the wound . It transpires that this is not at all unusual , if you have blood - thinning medication , but no one warned her , so it was very worrying when it first happened and they called a paramedic in to check her . It builds up in a sort of blister and then pops - you can imagine how scary that is . It is still happening , though less , and her final injection is tomorrow , so hopefully it will clear up after that . Luckily , everything is absolutely fine with Hadrian and he is a tranquil and cheery baby . I 've only seen him awake but not feeding a couple of times , and hardly held him at all , which is a bit tough on a doting granny , but my time will come , no doubt , probably when I should be busy with other things . Squiffany and Pugsley have gone to spend the night with their other grandparents , which they were very excited about . I listened to A Good Read on Radio 4 the other day , I turned on the radio on the way home from Dave 's and it was part - way through the programme . One of the selected books was A High Wind In Jamaica , by Richard Hughes . I read that , some 45 years ago , because it was a set book at school , and I hated it . But I 've always remembered it fairly clearly , which means it must have been . . . well , memorable . I suppose I should read it again and see if I admire it after all , these many years later . What I remember is , there was a group of children and a great storm . I remember a description of a short fat black woman losing her footing and being bowled over and over by the wind . I remember the children having a discussion about sorting clothes for the wash and someone saying they could be sorted by each person ' sThat 's as I remember it , anyway . Odd , that I recall all that , and didn 't like the book or the story . Of course , my memory may be at fault - there were a couple of incidents mentioned in the radio programme that I haven 't said , although they did trigger my recollection when I was reminded . Can anyone tell me whether I should remain with a memory of a book I didn 't like , or else return to it and appreciate it after all these years ? Other books I had to read at school and didn 't like were Redgauntlet , by Sir Walter Scott , and Nada , the Lily , by H . Rider Haggard . I remember nothing , not a word , of the former . I thought the latter was horrid . There , the narrator was obliged to put his hand into fire as a test of his honesty . He was lying , but endured the torture and so was assumed to be telling the truth , but he had a withered hand for the rest of his life . At the end , Nada was walled up in a cave and Umslopogaas , her lover , was too injured to move the stone and they died there together , touching hands . I have never read any Rider Haggard since , I thought it was horrid and gruesome . This is slightly awkward , as I know his granddaughter ( whose name is Nada ) and some of her family , and can hardly say so . However , since I remember the book , it was evidently better written than Redgauntlet . I 've never read any other Scott either , not even Ivanhoe , although I enjoyed the dramatisation as a Sunday evening serial when I was a child . The afternoon was not what I 'd hoped for . I arrived home from the hairdresser to find bantams clustered around the door and , as I unlocked it , I heard the phone ringing . It was a neighbour the other side of the field saying that the two cows that were brought here this morning were out . I left a note for the Sage and went to find them . They were in a field where some men were working , painting an old tractor and cutting some grass . I said I 'd see if I could find where the cows had got out , mend it and come back to drive them back to the field . I phoned Jonny to tell him and he said that it was the second time they 'd got out , he 'd been over once already , so I said that I 'd get them back in . The Sage wasn 't home , so I asked Al to help me . They were reasonably biddable , we got them back , fastened up the wire and then chivvied them onto the Ups and Downs where , I knew , the fencing was very secure and there were no weak spots . And yet , I was mistrustful , so I went back out again - sure enough , one of the cows was about to barge down the barrier across the stream which divides the fields . I spoke sharply to her and they both moved away . The next forty minutes was frankly not very nice at all . No . 77 was , I soon realised , the breaker - out . She was very annoyed about being thwarted and set off round the field to find a weak spot . No . 400 followed for a while , but then settled down to chew the cud . 77 came towards me , trying to go around towards the stream , but I headed her off . Every few minutes she approached again , each time getting bolder and I had to wave my arms and shout , whereas to start with just a stern word was enough . Finally , the Sage arrived home and came to find out what was going on . I said that we had to tie up the gate to make it more secure and he said he 'd go for rope - at that moment , 77 ran at me . Half a ton of pregnant dairy cow coming at you is scary , I can tell you . I shouted loudly and waved my arms and she veered away and . . . the Sage saw that I wasn 't exaggerating when I had told him what was going on . Anyway , he tied up the gate and we left , but she has still barged it down again . We 've phoned Graham , the farmer and Jonny 's dad , and he said that she 's very attached to her friends and misses them . There 's a very narrow bridge back towards the farm and if she dares brave that , she may arrive home of her own accord . The Sage has gone to see if he can find her , and asked me to stay by the phone . I know that he actually doesn 't want to see me having another run - in with 77 , I suspect it was just as scary for him to watch as it was for me , but I 'm anxious about him . I 've given him my phone , as I know it 'll get a signal down there , in case he needs any help . Ah . He 's just got back and says he 's driven her on to another field . She might find her own way home , in any case , they will find her in the morning . No . 400 seems quite relieved to have our field to herself for a while . Hopefully , they 'll bring Big Pinkie tomorrow and the two of them can settle down together . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
It has really been a very sad week , and today was the most distressing of all . At the end of last week , one of the school caretakers had a severe stroke and he died on Tuesday . His wife also works at the school , so it was more personally upsetting for many of the staff . I interviewed him for the job , he was a really nice man and we always greeted each other in a friendly way . Worse , however , was the news today . The head teacher phoned me this morning to say that a student had been found dead at his home by his father . He was 16 , went to the Norfolk Show yesterday with his family and went for a shower when they arrived home . When he didn 't come down again , his dad went looking for him . I knew him from early childhood , though hadn 't spoken to him for years , he was a pupil at the village school . I always greeted his mother in the town , a very sweet woman . One cannot begin to imagine what it could be like . I will write to Aaron 's parents of course , but there is no comfort for them from me or anyone . What is worst ? Early miscarriage or late , death of a baby or a child or a young person ? Being widowed young or very old ? The death of a child or of a parent ? Each is devastating , you cannot quantify it and yet , in some ways , surely this must be one of the worst things to happen , a young person who should have so much ahead of him , who dies so suddenly , from no illness or accident . The brown hen has been coming into the porch for the last couple of weeks to lay her eggs . The other day , the Sage went outside and shut the door , not realising she was in there and I found her a while later , pacing anxiously . Today , I heard a sound at the door and thought it was the postman . I went out to discover that she was tapping from the outside , wanting to come in . Later , I needed to go out myself and checked , and was rather dismayed to find her sitting , blissed out , in the straw - lined box that the Sage had kindly left for her . I didn 't want to leave her , and I don 't want her going broody in such an inconvenient place ( it gets very hot in there in the morning ) so I picked her up , plonked her outside and left a handful of corn . Fortunately , she stood up after a couple of minutes and began to eat it . I 've warned the Sage to keep an eye on her , but sometimes you can 't stop a chicken getting broody . I feel so sorry for them , sitting on eggs that will never hatch . In other animal news , I didn 't mention that Big Pinkie came to stay yesterday . No . 400 is still here and they settled down together at once , both being placid and friendly . Pinkie comes to the gate to be fed apples , as she always used to . The grass has started to grow nicely after the rain , and the two of them wander round the field finding good grazing spots together . It 's all very comfortable and bucolic . The forecast rain arrived around half past three . A few minutes earlier , the Sage used my phone to try to ring the auctioneers in Woodbridge and came through here to say the damn phone didn 't work . I tried the number and I couldn 't get through either , but it didn 't seem to be the phone . All the same , I suggested he use the landline and there was a ringing tone and the receptionist answered . Asked if there was a fault , she explained that there had been a power cut during a storm . A couple of minutes later , as they were still talking , the storm reached here and our own electricity was cut off . And a few minutes later Weeza , with whom I 'd been exchanging emails , said that she was saving her work in case there was a power cut when the oncoming storm hit . So I can confidently say that it was moving south to north . As usual when there is heavy rain , it leaked in above the window near my desk . I keep a towel on the windowsill , but had to get a couple more to deal with all the drips . And then the phone rang . People do choose their moments . I grumbled to the Sage and he explained what needed to be done to stop the leaks happening again . " So you know ? Couldn 't it have been done already , we 've lived here 25 years , " I rather tactlessly enquired . It is quite heartrending , watching the Sage appearing abashed . He has promised to do it , or get it done , I 'm not sure which . Most dismayingly , I 've been quite off alcohol in this humid weather . One night , I just drank water , and other nights a single glass of wine has been enough . I trust that this state of affairs doesn 't last too long . The evenings seem to drag on forever . Weeza 's entry into the world of antiques came rather younger than Ro 's . When she was six or seven weeks old , the Sage helped his friends Norman and Barbara , about whom I wrote last week , with their stall at an antiques fair at Earls Court for two or three days . We took down our Victorian mahogany swinging cradle for her to sleep in , because six week old babies sleep mostly , don 't they - well , we were young and naive and knew no better . You know how it is , that people always say the same witticism as each other ? Like , when you 're seen kneeling , it 's " say one for me while you 're down there . " If you are working in your garden , you are cordially invited to tackle the speaker 's flowerbed when you have done . On that occasion , most people asked , if they bought the cradle , did the baby come free ? There were two or three other jovial remarks that were repeated rather a lot of times , can 't remember what they were at the moment . You may have some ideas yourself . One actually did make me laugh , however . A man peered into the cot and observed " That 's not an antique . It 's a reproduction . " I was reminded , by reading Mike and Ann 's blog today , of the first time that I bid at one of the major auction houses and that , in turn , reminded me of when Ro started his buying career . I told Mike that he was three or four , but I have checked the details with the Sage now , who looked up the sale and Ro was actually five , and the sale was in May 1990 at Sotheby 's . Hug0 M0rley - F1etcher was the auctioneer ( he still appears as an expert on Ant1ques R0adsh0w ) . The Sage and Ro sat at the front and , when the desired item came up , the Sage touched Ro 's elbow and up went his hand . The bidding went up and up - they nearly got the piece quite cheaply , but then a fresh bidder came in and the price doubled in a few minutes . It was a sparrowbeak jug in a Mandarin pattern , we still have it . Finally , the auctioneer 's hammer went down . " Sold ! " he said , pointing , " to this young gentleman . " Ro held up the card with the bidder number . After the auction was over , the Sage told Ro to go and thank the auctioneer . . . and ask for a catalogue - the charge should have been £ 12 but he was given it . Ro often went with his father to view sales in London . At that time , we used to buy a family railcard and could take the children for £ 1 each . We used to blithely let Ro handle the china , when he was very little this caused some anxiety once in a while , as he was reluctant to let go and had to be distracted - though it rarely happened , he was very good . I remember once , I showed him a life - size china greyhound when he wasn 't quite ready to give me an item . There was another sale that we viewed in Woodbridge in 1986 , when he was not yet two years old . There was a Lowestoft birth tablet in that sale and he was very tickled with it . He picked it up and held it to his chest . " Badge ! " he said . That was a rather worried moment before I was able to remove it from his hand . It later sold , not to us , for £ 4 , 200 ( this was a quarter of a century ago , remember , it has probably quadrupled in value now ) . Ro never dropped or damaged anything and , remarkably now I look back , none of the staff ever suggested that it was the least unwise , letting him handle valuable china . It would have been our responsibility if anything had been broken , of course . He was , genuinely , extremely careful and trustworthy . All our children handled china , almost from babyhood , and nothing was ever dropped . Oddly enough , now he of our children has least to do with the china at our auctions . He is in charge of the computer , registering the potential bidders , filling in the prices realised and printing the invoices . Weeza helps at the view , taking china to be looked at and handled , and Al holds up each piece during the auction for people to be sure what they are bidding for . None of them collects art or antiques , although Weeza , in particular , is pretty knowledgeable about Lowestoft china . We have just got home from a party , a joint 70th wedding anniversary . That is , 40 years for one couple and 30 for the other . We have known all four of them for a very long time and saw a lot of friends , including our last Rector and his wife and daughter . They are really good friends , the sort that you just catch up with at once , however long ago that you saw them . And yes , we did dance . Energetically ( barn dancing , with a caller ) and I am shockingly puffed out . Still , my hips are fine , so I am more than happy . That reminds me , and will bring me right down to earth again , it 's Ro 's birthday in a month 's time . No idea what he might like as a present . I 'll go off and worry for a while before bedtime . Today has been quieter . I 've been catching up with emails and typing . I went in to the school at lunchtime , walked around the field with the Head ( he does the rounds every day and he happened to be going out as I arrived ) and I saw the people I wanted to . Hugs and chats and so on , and then I called in at the village school on the way home . It had an inspection the week before we did , and now the news is official , that they have received ' good with outstanding features , " which is marvellous . I love that school , I was a governor there for 18 years and it will always be dear to me , although I left five years ago . Don 't feel obliged , but if you want to read the report , it 's here . This is an evaluation under the current framework and ours is under the new one , we 're one of 150 schools in the pilot . We are having a piece of ground paved over , it 's on the east side of the house , open to the south but shaded from mid - afternoon . The chickens having taken over the lawn , we tend not to sit and eat out there any more , so I suggested using this sheltered area instead . I suspect we will use it during the day and , if we want to sit out , will go round the other side of the house in the evening , but we haven 't time for that at present anyway . We had some sharp sand delivered and the Sage took the driver out a cup of tea and chatted for a few minutes . The tray is one that my mother - in - law had made for us when Weeza and Al were little , with photos set in - nearly all of Weeza , actually . In one of them , the Sage 's father , Pa , was holding her and the driver recognised him . The Sage was really pleased to share memories . It was one of our better decisions , moving here to the Sage 's childhood home . And today , to take my mind off things , I helped clear by the hedge on the front field . The brambles have built up badly for several years and , now that the partridges and pheasants have nested , it seemed a good time to get rid of them and let light and air through to the mostly hawthorn hedge . In the afternoon , they moved on to the other hedge , along by the road ( although still the field side , the road side is kept tidy ) . About 10 or 12 feet of rubbish has been taken out . We will , of course , still encourage wildlife , and birds to nest . But the grass is in poor condition and will be improved by grazing , so we are going to fence the field , provide water ( there is a stand pipe nearby ) and have some cows or sheep on there for a while . The day never starts well with a dental appointment . . . still , just a check - up and nothing needs to be done . If it had been , I 'd have had to cancel tomorrow 's blood - letting . Dear oh dear , feels like a draining week . I arrived home to find Al 's old Morris Minor ( it is old , although not as old as I am ) out of its garage . Mike was taking it away to have a look at it . Al has decided to sell it . This is a big decision , it was his 17th birthday present and gosh , that is over half his lifetime ago . I 'm looking out of the window at a broom in flower - not the sort you sweep the floor with , the plant broom , obviously . I grew it from seed about 20 years ago . I grew several , in fact , and I think this is the last one left . It has grown into a small tree , which was rather unexpected as the rest stayed bushy and not very tall . This one is 15 or 20 feet high . If I had known it would grow so tall , I wouldn 't have planted it there . It 's not in the way , exactly , but now it overhangs the phone line . And , when it was windy a couple of weeks ago , a branch ( that did not overhang the phone line ) broke . The wood split so it is still attached , and we can see , at the join , that there is a small amount of rot . We haven 't cut it off yet , it was in bud at the time so I thought it might as well flower . It 's looking rather pretty - the rest of the tree , that is - with a rather mimosa - esque air . However , I think that we have had a warning and I 'm afraid that severe pruning is in order . It will sprout again ; it has where we removed one branch that showered Dilly with rain regularly , as it was just above where she parks her car . However , it will look fairly unattractive for quite some time . I haven 't reported progress on the drive project for some time . It 's all been rather bitty . We need to get everything done as far as possible to the same extent before the whole thing is completed . However , progress is being made and yesterday , the Sage and I walked around the garden deciding on priorities for the next jobs . Richard is coming with his digger tomorrow , and both he and Jamie will be along on Thursday and Friday , so we can get a lot done . It is indeed costing a lot , but we 've not spent much here for years , so it 's about time . Once the last of one 's children grow up , leave home and become financially independent , one realises how much they used to cost . The garden can receive the benefit this year . The whole garden , never mind the drive project , is rather bitty and so will never be a thing of great beauty . It will be reasonably pretty , in parts , and enjoyable for children to play in because there are nice little hidden - away areas plus open spaces , it will still attract wildlife because there are large parts that we will leave as much as possible , and the chickens will still be free to roam anywhere but the vegetable garden . I will , no doubt , be very frustrated when they eat my flowers , but I 'd rather have happy chickens than flowers . The new border will , if necessary , have shrubs rather than herbacious perennials in it . I can grow them in the vegetable garden . That is bigger than we need , now I don 't grow anything for Al to sell . Oh , and there is a low wall for me to build . I 'm looking forward to that . It won 't be a decorative one , or even a barrier . It 's just to stop the lawn falling on to the drive and will be no more than a foot high . I can 't remember if I said , a few weeks ago , there was a programme about Morecambe and Wise and we were really pleased when they showed a short clip of an episode in which a friend of ours appeared . It prompted me to Google his name and , on IMDB , I found out which episode it was . I promptly ordered that series from Amazon and squirrelled it away for a suitable occasion . When Ro was at a loss for a birthday present for his father , I offered it to him . Norman and Barbara were dear friends of the Sage 's . They had an antique shop in London and often did business together ; the Sage was a full - time auctioneer at that time and they bought a good deal of stuff from him . Norman 's day , or rather evening , job was musician ; he was a pianist and a composer and played at all sorts of events , night clubs , variety shows , the Ritz - he was the pianist there too , although I don 't think he ever overshadowed the soup and annoyed the chef to the point of violence * , he was far too considerate for that . The year before I married the Sage , Norman and Barbara 's daughter Carole had her 21st birthday party at the Ritz and the Sprig * * was a guest . One of the highlights of his social life , that was , it was fabulous . And the first time he took me to London on my own ( we had gone there with his friend Arthur the week before to an art exhibition ) , sort of our first date , he took me to their shop to introduce me to them . They were highly intrigued , he had never been seen by them with a woman before , and along he came with an extremely young girl ( well , compared to him , that is ) who hardly said a word , and no explanation ! Anyway , Norman died some years ago and Barbara is in her 80s now and has recently moved house to live near Carole , and we phone each other a couple of times a year . The 60s and 70s were the best years , I suppose , he was earning and spending a lot of money and having plenty of fun . He was absolutely lovely and we remember him with great affection . I 've just checked the DVD to find the episode with Norman in - if you happen to have the programmes , it 's Series 9 , Episode 5 , very near the start . It was absolutely lovely to see him again , and I 'd forgotten that the sketch lasted several minutes . I shall put it on the Sage 's laptop later , he will love it too . The Sage is such an enthusiast . He has been reminiscing , rather beyond my capacity , I must confess . I don 't have a bad memory , but to remember when something happened , it 's best if there 's something to hang it on , as it were . For example , I know exactly when Miss Fitt died , because it was the year that Ro was born ( she was thrilled to be able to hold and cuddle him , she loved children ) and she lived to 101 years and 6 months , to the day . Since I remember her birthday and how old Ro is , I can work it out . But then he was asking me other dates and I have only a vague idea . He started to talk about Mrs Dare , Miss Fitt 's blind sister . He spoke of her with such warmth that I was puzzled . " Did you meet her ? ' " Oh yes , " he said , " I remember her well . " Since I don 't , not very well , and he could only possibly know the family through us , I was more puzzled , and pondered for a while . I finally pointed out that she died well before he moved to Lowestoft , when I was still a child . He tried to argue for a bit , but I had my facts marshalled by then , and so he had to agree that he never actually knew her at all . He and I met when I was 16 , in early February 1970 ( I 'm afraid I cannot give you the exact date in this instance ) . " I heard all about her , " he protested . " I feel as if I knew her . " He does that , you know , and I 've so often seen the look of bewilderment on someone 's face when he talks about someone as though about a friend , and it turns out to be someone who lived at least 80 years ago . Most people are far too polite to challenge him , even when he starts to ask if they knew him or her too ? It 's very amusing to watch , though it drives me nuts when he does it to me . I am boringly precise about verifiable details and uninterested in speculating on ones that cannot be checked , and he is rather the opposite . Weeza can hardly bear to watch us when we have that sort of conversation , though the boys find it quite entertaining . Looking at my diary , I see that we are going to another party next Saturday . This is turning out to be the most sociable year we have had for a very long time . I 'm rather awkwardly aware that those to whom we ' owe ' hospitality are not , in the main , the ones who have been here , so I 'd better get going and find some free weekends to ask them over . Although it has to be said , it 's rather safer to get near the time and phone on the chance they 're free - those things planned weeks ahead can become inconvenient in the end . I don 't suppose that we 're in any way unusual , in that a free week can suddenly get booked up and the event at the end of it becomes difficult to fit in at all . Our friend Daphne , who was unable to come today , has suggested that we have a party to celebrate the car 's 82nd birthday on 3rd August . She has known the Sage for about 60 years and remembers when he bought the car . I shall soon exhaust my pudding repertoire at this rate . Wink has to leave very early tomorrow morning to get back for the Bod 's birthday celebrations . She says that she will not wake us - although one or other of us is usually awake very early , even if we don 't get up straight away . There was torrential rain today , by the way . First a hailstorm , which was a bit of a surprise , and then several downpours , with a thunderstorm . Rain is traditional at this time of the year , of course , but we don 't often get hail in mid - June . Quite impressive . I woke up early again , around 5 . 30 and listened , but there was no sound from the fireplace so I played Angry Birds for a while on my phone . The sound an hour later was from a desperate , rather than an angry bird . The Sage was still asleep , so I got up , moved the chest of drawers and uncovered the fireplace . The dove was flopped in the grate , but it fluttered strongly enough when I picked it up and flew away when I released it through the open window . I hope it found water quickly and has survived . I wasn 't surprised ; in my experience they do not leave the apparent safety of the fireplace unless you chivvy them . Wink has arrived and brought pouring rain from the West Country with her . I have made three meat dishes for tomorrow and will do two vegetable ones in the morning . I have also made two of the three puddings . I am quite agitated , however , in case there is not enough food . This does not , you understand , indicate that there is not enough food , just that I am never entirely comfortable unless I have overcatered . Rather splendidly , the major fuss I made here the other day has got it out of my system and I 've been feeling better since then . . In part because there is too much else to do - once I took in that I haven 't time to hang about , there 's so much to be getting on with , I stopped dwelling on the frustration that the thing that we are waiting for has not happened . And so I 'm still burning the candles ( just at one end ) but I 'm listening to music too in the evenings . This morning , I had just woken up when , at around 6 o ' clock , I heard the sound of a dove falling down the bedroom chimney . I knew it was a dove because I could hear that it was a large bird , but pigeons never do fall down . Maybe they just have a better sense of balance . There is a board in front of the fireplace and a chest of drawers in front of that . When we got up , we moved them and left the windows open and the door shut . I don 't know if it got out as I went out for lunch ; the Sage shut them later on the assumption that it had probably gone . I hope so . We will find out at first light tomorrow ; if it is still there it will start to flutter again and I will get up straight away and let it go . There are ledges in the old chimney where it was sitting when I looked for it this morning . As you can tell , I 've dealt with this regularly over the past 25 years . We do occasionally have birds come down the drawing room chimney , but less frequently , and they are smaller birds . This chimney is lined so there are no ledges . Once , my cleaning lady came to tell me , in some agitation , that there were two black and white birds flying around the room . A pair of swallows had fallen down . We were able to get them out of the window , but there was a fair amount of clearing up to do . At least , since we never light a fire in the bedroom , there is no soot . I spent some more time this evening looking at photos . Some of the few in existence of my grandmother , who died when I was two and whom I don 't remember at all . She was holding my sister as a baby or standing by my grandfather and he was holding her . It 's indistinct and I can 't really see what she looked like , but I don 't think she was bothered in the least about her appearance . It was just as well , she had had cancer in her face and and radiation treatment , which I think must have been fairly haphazard at that time ( I think it was the 1930s ) had destroyed some of the bone , which periodically worked its way out , and she wore a scarf or bandage round her head to hide the damage . Just a casual knotted piece of material . It looked quaint , but I don 't suppose she cared , from what I have heard of her . Although I 've done a fair amount of reminiscing here over the years , I don 't look back much . My mother told me a lot of stories about her and my father 's past , but I don 't think I have done as much to my children . It 's a bit late to start now , they 'd think it was the ramblings of an old woman . Er . . . Anyway , I have succeeded in buying a birthday present for the Sage , which is rather a relief , as his birthday is on Friday . It is a saucer . He will love it . Soon , I must start to think about his party on Saturday . There will be 21 or 22 of us - though that does include the children , and I don 't suppose that Hadrian will take much part in the festivities . I 'm going out tomorrow , but I 'd better allow time to do some shopping , and then cook on Friday . I could have planned ahead really , couldn 't I . Bit late now . Darlings , I know that there is nothing in the world that you want more at this moment than pictures of the young Z , is there . Is there ? Oh . Well , you 're getting them anyway . As I said , I 'm doing some turning out of my mother 's things and I was awfully pleased to come across her Christmas crib - she and my father bought it in Woolworth 's in 1947 , the year they were married , when just about everything was in short supply or rationed and they didn 't have much money anyway . No doubt , you will be shown it in six months ' time . There was also the fairy for the tree , who isn 't very pretty , to be honest , and the last of the bird tree decorations that I loved so much as a child . I didn 't know that she had kept one . I also found several packs of photos . Also , in a walnut box with some odds and ends I was surprised to find a lock of my hair . I vaguely remember promising to bring it back from the hairdresser 's when I finally had my long hair cut , which I think was sometime in my late 20s . These are all of me in my twenties . The first is me and my mother , at her house - not the house I grew up in , she and my stepfather moved house in the late 1970s . It was before The Haircut . The second was taken in 1981 , when Joepie , our childhood au pair visited . In the third , I 'm with Miss Fitt ( sadly , her real name ) . She died in 1984 at the age of 101 and this was her 100th birthday party , so it must have been June 1983 . The next time is the same party , although the colour of my jacket is quite different - the truth is probably somewhere in between . The last of these pictures was taken in our lovely Edwardian house in Lowestoft and my stepfather , Wilf , is in the foreground . That 's all of me , but this picture of Wink is so lovely that I want to show it to you . Isn 't she pretty ? That 's during the same visit made by Joepie ( Dutch , short for Johanna , pronounced Yoopi ) . Finally , Al with the Sage 's Ma at Miss Fitt 's birthday and Weeza and Al in 1981 . They must have been 7 and 5 at the time . Sorry about the mark on Al 's face , I didn 't notice before I scanned the pic and I can 't be arsed to do it again . Sentiment can only go so far . Sheesh . This evening , I cannot find music to fit my mood , or else soothe it . I 've tried a range of stuff , and it all irritates me . I have turned it off and lit a candle instead . I 'm becoming a nervous wreck . Time was , you got a longish period of notice of a school inspection , but you knew when it would be . Then you got short notice ( at one time , it could be no notice at all , they might just walk in , but I don 't think this happened to many schools ) . This time , they told us that we 're in the pilot group , but not when they would come . I am not consciously worrying , but my shoulders hurt because they are so tense , my face aches because I 'm grinding my teeth and I wake every hour or so at night . Even the Sage is irritating me , because he 's so cheerful . Well , not just that . Someone called in for a school business conversation and he monopolised the conversation throughout , with the result that we weren 't able to have our discussion . I 'm sorry . It 's just that there 's so much to do , and this is holding us up . I 'm also attempting to do some turning - out , things belonging to my mother . Yes , she died eight years ago , but this is stuff that stayed in a cupboard in Al and Dilly 's house for some time , so it 's only been in a spare room for five years or so and it just got left . Now , I 'm being a good example to the Sage . He has a room to turn out , and he needs somewhere to put his things . There 's no point in nagging , I 've got to have a practical solution or the work will never get done . Anyway , much of my mother 's stuff has turned out to be old papers , not interesting ones but newspaper cuttings and bank and tax papers , so it can all be burned . But every half hour or so , someone calls or the phone rings and then I don 't get back to it . I can see that this will take me quite some time . So far , one boxful to keep , four to get rid of . I cannot see that we will ever be in a position to downsize . Having said that , Ro 's room is as he left it when he moved out , and it 's a huge room . Lined with cupboards and shelves , it could solve all our storage space issues . I wonder if he 'd mind . Now it 's raining properly , at last . Showers were forecast yesterday - I went to London with a waterproof jacket and sunglasses in my bag , though only needed the sunspecs , because it was dry all day and sunny for an appreciable part of it . It was lovely at 7 . 30 this morning when I first went out , not a cloud in the sky . We had lunch with Weeza and co . Zerlina does enjoy food . She ate the sausage first , then the carrot and asked for more . She cleared her plate ( chicken , roast potato , chipolata , carrot , asparagus ) , picking up the asparagus neatly with her fingers , although eating the stalk first rather than the tip . Then she ate ice cream . After that , she wanted to have a go on her swing , so I pushed her for rather a long time . Swings are rather more fun when you 're swinging than when you 're pushing . Please read each part of that sentence entirely in its context , btw . She is a tall and slender little girl with a lot of energy , but she also needs plenty of sleep . Her mother ensures that she still has an afternoon nap , which is quite unusual in a child of her age ( Weeza herself was impossible to keep in bed for a nap after 18 months or so ) but I 'm sure that it 's good for her . I took a present for each of them ; Adnam 's bitter for Phil , grape juice for Weeza and a book for Zerlina . It is a book written by my friend Charlotte , who stayed with us a few months ago . She only wrote and illustrated three books , as she had bad RSI and couldn 't draw any more ; we bought the first one when Ro was young and we still have it , but the others were for younger children and I didn 't get it at the time . I haven 't yet given any thought to the Sage 's birthday present . He is terribly difficult to buy for . I noticed , the other day , that I 've driven 16 , 000 miles in my car since I bought it , 32 months ago . How neat . I still do not particularly warm to it , but it has to be said that Mercedes make good cars , or they did 13 years ago , anyway . Well over 100 , 000 miles and it 's ( regrettably ) still going strong and I have no excuse to trade it in . The Sage is working on his old Rover at present , almost everything is wrong with it . He and his friend Mike ( the * other * Mike and Ann , if you came to the party ) spent all day on it , and got it working in the end . It didn 't help that a mouse had made its home there . The electrics are still to be done , but the plan is to have it on the road for August in time for its 83rd birthday . The tube back , it was about 5 . 30 and , although a Saturday , was very crowded . We were jammed in and some people had to stay on the platform and wait for the next train . A lot of tourists , who found the crowds good fun and were smiling . There was a group of Spanish people and one of them was talking loudly to another , a few yards away . Her voice was not only loud , but piercing and I tried to keep my head turned for her voice not to blast right into my ear . Standing there strap - hanging , I pondered - if asked , I 'd say I don 't like crowds at all and I feel oppressed if there are too many people around me , but the only discomfort I felt was because I was too hot and wished I 'd taken my jacket off . I tried to think it through - I think it was the patience that made the difference . There was physical consideration , people were trying not to touch , but being good - humoured if it was unavoidable . Because we were all standing still - that is , swaying about a bit but not moving along - I wasn 't nervous of being knocked over . Um . Still doesn 't entirely add up . Tomorrow , we are having lunch with Weeza and family . She and Phil want to go and check out dishwashers without Zerlina , so the Sage and I will babysit after lunch ( she still has a nap , so I must remember to take the papers to read , or a book ) . It isn 't indeed . We 've been awaiting the Ofsted call for an inspection for the last three weeks and have still not received it . The village school , Al says , has . They are to be inspected next Tuesday and Wednesday . They will do well , it 's a jolly good little school and has been for at least the last 23 years - I became a governor there in September 1988 and Ro started there as a pupil in April 1989 . 18 years , I retired in 2006 , and I still refer to myself as part of it ; that is , I say " we " rather than " I . " I probably always will . I 'm ludicrously tenacious . Interestingly , though it 'll be the first inspection in the new school buildings and there isn 't a permanent Head at present . The excellent Head left in February and they interviewed for a replacement , but no one came nearly up to scratch . One of the teachers was asked to be acting head for the time being , rather than bring in someone temporary , a mark of how well the staff all work together . Tomorrow , I 'm going to London to meet my sister . We 're meeting for lunch and then going to the Albert Hall to see this - which , actually , I 've only just looked up , I wasn 't at all sure what we were going to . She rang a few weeks ago to suggest it , I 'm happy to go and will enjoy it , though I 'm not big on dance in particular . Probably because I 'm not the most ' visual ' person , unless it 's printed - for example , I forgot to put in my contact lens this morning and I only noticed a few minutes ago that things were a bit soft - focus . This afternoon , I unpacked the dishwasher and started to remove the filter at the bottom to rinse it clean , but not all the water had drained . I checked that the programme had finished ( not entirely daft , darlings ) and then that the drainage hose hadn 't kinked , and then put on a rinse programme to see if it was a one - off . It wasn 't . I phoned John Lewis where we bought it from , and got a call - out number to give the service people . I was in a queue when I rang that number so decided to do it online - but while I was looking at the website , I noticed instruction manuals . On that , it said that the pump might have just blocked and to try resetting it . Well whoopee . Glad I did , and so saved myself from looking an idiot with a service engineer call - out . I 've got the instruction book here somewhere , of course , but I 've put it away very , very securely . Last night 's was a short post , because I was completely distracted by the news I 'd had at around 6 o ' clock . I had been making minestrone soup - how is it , by the way , that I never seem to be able to make a small amount of minestrone ? Nearly 8 pints , and I 've added more stock to the leftovers today . I should say , that we packed away a lot of it last night and had more for lunch today . I left the soup to cook in the bottom oven for a final half hour , poured a glass of wine and came in here to check emails , and found one from the school business manager . The title was Fwd : Academy Order approval ( * name of school * ) . Do you know , I almost cried . A huge smile on my face , I had a swig of wine and read the message . From her , it just said ' Sent from my iPhone ' . Beneath , it started " Dear Lynn , I am delighted to tell you that the Secretary of State and Lord Hill have approved your application to convert to academy status . " It was a warm and friendly letter and , I must say , that our project lead at the Department of Education is very helpful and reassuring whenever we get in touch with him . We are on track , having done a great deal of preliminary work ( engaged solicitors , obtaining land deeds , engaged financial , pension and HR services , obtained quotes for insurance , accountants and so on , but there 's still a lot to do . Ironically , the least to do is in school . The thing is , the school is great . We have excellent staff who work together really well , an exceptional Head and governors are shrewd and knowledgeable managers who monitor what 's going on . The students are great , and I know that because I go into lessons regularly and get to know them . We have a very wide curriculum ; being in a rural and not a wealthy area , we need to provide both sound academic education as well as arts and vocational courses . We want to protect this against the push to narrow the curriculum in schools . We will transfer all the terms and conditions of all the staff ( as we 're required to do ) but , although we could change them afterwards , we do not intend to . Why would we ? Tonight , I went out for dinner and wore stilettos , for the first time in ages . Since having my hip done , I 've been able to wear heels , though best not everyday , but they 've mostly been reasonably substantial ; wedges or , at least , chunky . But I put on my pale pink stilettos , that I bought for Weeza 's wedding six years ago ( so are practically new , especially as they haven 't been worn for three or four years ) and they felt comfortable , if I was a little tottery . All we need now is Ofsted . Ahem . The Sage and I went out together today . It was largely a business meeting , but the person has a china collection which the Sage was invited to see , and he asked if I might come too , which was thoughtful of him . However , it indicates an alarming degree of togetherness . This is the third time in five days that he has included me in something he 's doing and it 's quite uncommon . Not sure if it 's good for us . How am I to surprise and delight him in the evening if we have spent the day in each other 's company ? It 's his birthday next week , and my sister announced her intention of coming to visit for the celebrations . The Sage has never particularly celebrated his birthday and has never encouraged me to arrange anything beyond an invitation to the immediate family . However , this time , I thought that something should be done , and Weeza had the smart notion that I suggest we celebrate his fifty years as an auctioneer , and that we invite some of his oldest friends and also his fellow - collectors . Remarkably , this worked and he 's quite keen . So , on Saturday week , we shall have a party . Another party , that is . And we have two invitations pending . We 've not had such a social whirl for a long time - whirl being a relative term , of course . More like a slow twist than a dizzying twirl , but at this rate we might get back to the old days , when we had a circle of friends whom we often saw . I 'd love it . I like cooking for a lot of people . I should make it very clear , there were some excellent teachers at that school , though there were also some poor and indifferent ones . I may go back to the topic - in fact I 'd like to , if only to think it through for myself . I was quite happy there , and if I was unstimulated I didn 't mind , I preferred to be left alone . My sister , however , was not happy at all and , looking back , it 's hard to understand why our parents didn 't move her to another school . Today , I spent at the high school , first with a meeting between me , the head and the financial manager . There 's a lot happening , in preparation for becoming independent of the local authority . We 've not had our application accepted yet , but have been told that we 've passed the preliminary stages . After that , I spent the rest of the day in Year 9 music . It 's at the limit of what I can help with , sometimes a bit beyond , as it involves composition and I don 't have the knowledge . I was better with the afternoon group than the morning one , having picked up some useful tips . In addition , the afternoon group are very friendly , if , on occasion , slightly too much so . I 'm too old and experienced to get myself into difficulties , and they are fine . Teenagers are great , and it 's interesting to see how a tricky personality can get drawn into a lesson and do some really good work . This evening , I went round the Common on a trailer , drawn by a tractor . There is an annual inspection , where a couple of dozen owners see what 's going on and how it 's being maintained . It is a privately - owned common , where 400 acres are owned in 300 shares , known as ' goings ' , mainly by private individuals , but also by charities and the town council . The Sage , who is a Common Reeve ( voluntary management committee member ) owns 10 goings ; I went as a representative for his cousin . A large part of the common is rented by the golf club , much of the rest is let for cattle grazing , and the rest is open to the public for walking on . More management is required than you 'd think ; a lot of birch and oak saplings grow from seed and have to be cut down , as does gorse and various wild flowers , when in the wrong place . At present , the main problem is dog - walkers on the golf course , who seem oblivious to the danger of beetling into the line of fire of a driven ball . There 's plenty of space for them to walk , it seems perverse to trot along the fairways . Afterwards , we went for a drink at the golf club . It was a lovely sociable atmosphere and I rather wished I played , or had the least inclination to , for the pleasure of going there . When we finally rolled home , I couldn 't be bothered to cook . I put a frozen pizza in the oven . The school I went to was pretty poor , frankly . It was a nice little school for nice girls , especially Catholic ones , which I wasn 't . The reasons for us going there were - well , it 's easy to come up with a theory , but how am I to know whether it 's accurate ? My sister , who is five years older than I , was down to go to Sherborne , but my mother reckoned that Lowestoft was better for her health ( she had sinus problems and still suffers from severe hay fever ; Lowestoft was reckoned to be good for lungs and there had been a TB hospital on the sea front ) so cancelled that . Then she met a girl who went to the local private school , in Southwold , and didn 't find her manners up to scratch , so decided that she 'd rather we went to day school . The local one was okay , but not great , at primary level and fairly rubbish later on . I suggested , really quite politely , in later years that my parents weren 't too bothered about education for girls , it would have been different if we were boys . My mother was affronted , but it was true . It was a different world , half a century ago . I have additional thoughts on the subject , but they are better kept to myself . I am frank , but rarely disloyal . Having said that , I didn 't mind my school , and was perfectly content there . I wasn 't stretched , but I read a lot - I read encyclopaedias for pleasure , which I 'm sure some of you did , but I doubt that many do now - and I did okay . Science was almost non - existent , which confirms my view that my parents didn 't think that education for girls mattered ( my father studied science at university and was a mathematician too - in fact , he was that person that may not exist any more , a polymath , as his knowledge of literature and the arts was wide - ranging too ) and the maths teachers were rubbish . Anything I knew was learned from my father . I remember one Geometry lesson where the teacher got stuck in the middle of a problem and , finally , a kind and clever girl ( not me ) finally got up and solved it on the blackboard . We were such nice girls ( I 'm not kidding , my class had the reputation of being the least trouble in the whole school ) that we didn 't even hold it against the teacher - not so much through kindness as because we didn 't really care . I 'm talking about the late 1960s . It wasn 't cool to be too enthusiastic , and we must have not been easy to teach . Well , I wasn 't , at any rate . I was dreadfully shy , but I was also pretty arrogant , and not a team player in the least . I listened and thought , but I didn 't join in . Actually , the Head of the high school says of me now that I listen without saying much , and then come in with a killer comment at the end . I dunno about that , but I am better joining in with a small group than a large one , and I do like to think around the subject . However , the reason , in those days - and this is a confession , darlings , one that will be the despair of the teachers among you - that I thought that it was daft to give away a good idea . Listen to the others , think of a different angle and then put it in an essay . No one else would get the credit . Hah ! But also , a lack of pushiness came in . Even if I 'd wanted to say something , I 'd have been talked down by someone else . Maybe ( this refers back to an eaPS - A rival for Woolydogs ? - double take In today 's post , Christopher refers to the Latin writer Horace , whose Odes he studied for Latin A Level . I read Ars Poetica for mine , and loved it . I still mutter quotations from it at pertinent moments , although it 's better not to do so out loud , because that would be very irritating . Another writer we studied was Pliny , who wrote a lot of letters and then published them . I 've forgotten most of the ones we read and translated , but there are a few that still stand out in my memory . Pliny the younger was the nephew of the elder Pliny , who died in the eruption of Vesuvius . He wasn 't there when the volcano erupted , but dutifully went to see what was going on , and also to attempt to rescue people in his boat , and was overcome by fumes . Pliny wrote a very interesting account of what went on , brought back to him by survivors . I joined the class in its second year , having left school with two A levels ( English and History ) because my school , on the verge of closing down , had a severely limited range of subjects to choose from . I had flunked Latin and chosen to learn to type instead of taking French , but in the Upper Sixth I changed my mind , took up both of them again and passed , and then decided I wanted to take A levels in both subjects . I had , years earlier , skipped a year so I was not quite 18 at the start of the school year and went to the local high school for an extra crack at exam - taking . At the start of one lesson , I observed some chuckling going on . The teacher was going round the class and each girl ( it was a co - ed school , but it so happened that Latin , that year , was only being taken by girls ) had to translate a couple of lines . Since I always sat near the back , I 'd only bothered to prepare the second half of the epistle - well , I say bothered , but I was being pragmatic . It took me longer than everyone else to do half the work - so I didn 't know why , but they 'd worked out that the embarrassing line was going to be translated by the most unsophisticated girl in the class . I 'd had to make an effort to be less shy , joining a new school , and I had reasonable social skills in any case , which were the reasons that was not me . The subject of the epistle was a shocking incident that had happened at the baths . There was a rich , elderly Roman who was notoriously cruel to his slaves and some of them attacked and tried to kill him . It described how one slave seized him while others hit him in his face and private parts . I can 't remember the Latin for private parts , but that 's the direct translation . Poor Elaine stammered and stopped when she got to that bit and couldn 't carry on . " Groin , translate it as groin , " said the teacher , kindly . As I remember , for I 'm sure you will want to know , the Roman survived the attack for a few days , but then died and the slaves were put to death horribly , although some of them escaped . Interestingly , the rich Roman 's father had been a freed slave ( as was Horace 's father ) and it 's perhaps surprising that he was so unpleasant to his own slaves . The third epistle that I remember was unintentionally hilarious if meant solemnly , but still entertaining if written as a tease ( which it probably was , no one could be that pompous and not mean to be ) . He had invited a friend to dinner , but the friend didn 't show up . Pliny wrote to reprimand him , saying that he had to pay up the not inconsiderable value of the feast - which included a whole lettuce . Each ! As well as three snails and two eggs ! Presumably , the no - show had preferred to watch dancing girls and eat sea - urchins than have intelligent conversation and listen to a poetry recital , scolded Pliny . I 'm spending the weekend catching up on work , so that Monday won 't catch me unawares . I 'm up with most of it now , but have run out of steam . Still have a rousing hymn to choose for tomorrow , Once I 've got my piano back , I 'll have no excuse not to practise . Choosing hymns , I look at the type of service , the time of church year , the theme of the service , I look up the readings - I 'm very conscientious . I should have been going to a funeral on Monday , but I found out that I 've been included in a lunch for 24 people , which will be on 3 tables and I 'm supposed to be hosting one of the tables . The organiser had forgotten to give me the date - it had been cancelled because of a power cut and rearranged , but I wasn 't there when the others were told . I feel badly about missing the funeral , but I did have a long chat with her son today and the Sage will go , you can 't fit in everything and I don 't want to disappoint my friend . I also had a chat with my doctor , at the same social event . He told me that he is retiring in November - he 'd already told the Sage a while ago , but is politely telling each person that he can individually . He 's been my doctor for 25 years and I 'll be sorry to see him go . I like him very much , we understand each other . He has high standards , which might seem an odd thing to say - that is , if I went along for a vague whinge , he 'd be slightly disappointed , because he 'd expect something more specific from me . If I were needy or frail , he 'd amend his expectations . He said , if all his patients visited him as often as I did , he 'd not have been very busy . Once every five years is about the norm , which shows how fortunate I am with my health . I did go more often for a couple of years about my hip , and it was actually quite hard not to whinge then , so I always made sure that I had something practical to suggest . He has arthritis in his knees and was limping slightly but noticeably . I 'm glad I 've got hips rather than knees - though would rather not have it at all , of course . Bloody arthritis . He asked me how my hip is ( doctors usually avoid asking after one 's health when off duty , I took it as a compliment , that he knew I wouldn 't turn it into a consultation ! ) and I said it 's fine . " Glad you had it done ? " " Yes , I am , " I said , simply . I slept thoroughly last night and caught up on the previous night 's insomnia . It 's a nuisance , though . I 'm drinking strong black coffee right now . I hope that coffee doesn 't start to affect me . I don 't mind decaff , but one doesn 't normally have a choice of blend or roast and , although I don 't have the number of coffees that I do of teas , I do like to choose what sort I feel like drinking . I heard birds calling in a warning tone , looked out and there was a cat in the garden . I went out to tell it to leave , and there was a branch of a broom lying on the ground , though still attached to the trunk . I grew it from seed over 20 years ago and it grew unexpectedly tall , small tree sized rather than bushy . I think that some major lopping will be needed . No really , I didn 't sleep . Ten minutes , sometime between 1 . 40 and 2 . 00 am . I got up at 3 . 20 and roamed around the house disgustedly until the blackbirds started to sing . I 've nearly fallen asleep a couple of times today , but I 'd rather not , now it 's this late , and hope I 'll sleep tonight . Enough about a singularly boring subject . I did get a cuddle with Hadrian today , he was awake and tranquil - he doesn 't really cry , which is just like his father was as a baby . Last night , he didn 't go to sleep until 1 , but only woke once during the night so they felt they 'd had a good night 's rest . I phoned Charlotte this evening - you may remember , she 's my half - Dutch friend who visited a couple of months ago . She was very over - stressed at the time , which I didn 't say , and she 's been in hospital , recovering . She 's fine now , and has decided to live in England again , which will be good . I rang to tell her about Hadrian . The front field was cut for hay yesterday and baled today . Those huge , 6 foot diameter bales . The grass was short , but full of good seed so will be nutritious . However , hay will be in short supply , the bales are worth £ 80 each , but Graham needs them for winter feed , he won 't be selling them . Mind you , that small amount of rain we had has made the grass green up surprisingly . Big Pinkie , the friendly and elderly cow , will not join us yet . She is in with a field of heifers , teaching them to take life slow . 400 is quite happy on her own , Jonny phoned earlier , and suggested bringing 77 back now she had settled down . We said no . . . frankly , if she wanted to leave again , I 'd not stand in her way . What a beautiful day . The showers of the last week have made me appreciate sunny days again . Richard brought his mini - digger and has been widening the drive again ; the gravelled area , for those of you who have been here . The big heap of aggregate is nearly gone and we will have as much parking area as we want in another day or two . That isn 't to say that the drive is nearly finished . That 's going to take ages . The Sage loves a project , but he 's not so good at finishing one . Planning and putting into action is what he 's good at , but then he gets bored and wants to move on to the next thing . I 'm more of a plodder . I am not spectacular , but I stick at it , once I 've started . Dilly is feeling quite well , but she hasn 't had the easiest time . In medicine , as in so many spheres , things go in fashions and in cycles . The latest anxiety is clots . Since her first two babies were born by Caesarean section , the third had to be , and this time she has had to have blood - thinning injections for a week afterwards , which Al has administered . However , she 's had quite a lot of bleeding from the wound . It transpires that this is not at all unusual , if you have blood - thinning medication , but no one warned her , so it was very worrying when it first happened and they called a paramedic in to check her . It builds up in a sort of blister and then pops - you can imagine how scary that is . It is still happening , though less , and her final injection is tomorrow , so hopefully it will clear up after that . Luckily , everything is absolutely fine with Hadrian and he is a tranquil and cheery baby . I 've only seen him awake but not feeding a couple of times , and hardly held him at all , which is a bit tough on a doting granny , but my time will come , no doubt , probably when I should be busy with other things . Squiffany and Pugsley have gone to spend the night with their other grandparents , which they were very excited about . I listened to A Good Read on Radio 4 the other day , I turned on the radio on the way home from Dave 's and it was part - way through the programme . One of the selected books was A High Wind In Jamaica , by Richard Hughes . I read that , some 45 years ago , because it was a set book at school , and I hated it . But I 've always remembered it fairly clearly , which means it must have been . . . well , memorable . I suppose I should read it again and see if I admire it after all , these many years later . What I remember is , there was a group of children and a great storm . I remember a description of a short fat black woman losing her footing and being bowled over and over by the wind . I remember the children having a discussion about sorting clothes for the wash and someone saying they could be sorted by each person ' sThat 's as I remember it , anyway . Odd , that I recall all that , and didn 't like the book or the story . Of course , my memory may be at fault - there were a couple of incidents mentioned in the radio programme that I haven 't said , although they did trigger my recollection when I was reminded . Can anyone tell me whether I should remain with a memory of a book I didn 't like , or else return to it and appreciate it after all these years ? Other books I had to read at school and didn 't like were Redgauntlet , by Sir Walter Scott , and Nada , the Lily , by H . Rider Haggard . I remember nothing , not a word , of the former . I thought the latter was horrid . There , the narrator was obliged to put his hand into fire as a test of his honesty . He was lying , but endured the torture and so was assumed to be telling the truth , but he had a withered hand for the rest of his life . At the end , Nada was walled up in a cave and Umslopogaas , her lover , was too injured to move the stone and they died there together , touching hands . I have never read any Rider Haggard since , I thought it was horrid and gruesome . This is slightly awkward , as I know his granddaughter ( whose name is Nada ) and some of her family , and can hardly say so . However , since I remember the book , it was evidently better written than Redgauntlet . I 've never read any other Scott either , not even Ivanhoe , although I enjoyed the dramatisation as a Sunday evening serial when I was a child . The afternoon was not what I 'd hoped for . I arrived home from the hairdresser to find bantams clustered around the door and , as I unlocked it , I heard the phone ringing . It was a neighbour the other side of the field saying that the two cows that were brought here this morning were out . I left a note for the Sage and went to find them . They were in a field where some men were working , painting an old tractor and cutting some grass . I said I 'd see if I could find where the cows had got out , mend it and come back to drive them back to the field . I phoned Jonny to tell him and he said that it was the second time they 'd got out , he 'd been over once already , so I said that I 'd get them back in . The Sage wasn 't home , so I asked Al to help me . They were reasonably biddable , we got them back , fastened up the wire and then chivvied them onto the Ups and Downs where , I knew , the fencing was very secure and there were no weak spots . And yet , I was mistrustful , so I went back out again - sure enough , one of the cows was about to barge down the barrier across the stream which divides the fields . I spoke sharply to her and they both moved away . The next forty minutes was frankly not very nice at all . No . 77 was , I soon realised , the breaker - out . She was very annoyed about being thwarted and set off round the field to find a weak spot . No . 400 followed for a while , but then settled down to chew the cud . 77 came towards me , trying to go around towards the stream , but I headed her off . Every few minutes she approached again , each time getting bolder and I had to wave my arms and shout , whereas to start with just a stern word was enough . Finally , the Sage arrived home and came to find out what was going on . I said that we had to tie up the gate to make it more secure and he said he 'd go for rope - at that moment , 77 ran at me . Half a ton of pregnant dairy cow coming at you is scary , I can tell you . I shouted loudly and waved my arms and she veered away and . . . the Sage saw that I wasn 't exaggerating when I had told him what was going on . Anyway , he tied up the gate and we left , but she has still barged it down again . We 've phoned Graham , the farmer and Jonny 's dad , and he said that she 's very attached to her friends and misses them . There 's a very narrow bridge back towards the farm and if she dares brave that , she may arrive home of her own accord . The Sage has gone to see if he can find her , and asked me to stay by the phone . I know that he actually doesn 't want to see me having another run - in with 77 , I suspect it was just as scary for him to watch as it was for me , but I 'm anxious about him . I 've given him my phone , as I know it 'll get a signal down there , in case he needs any help . Ah . He 's just got back and says he 's driven her on to another field . She might find her own way home , in any case , they will find her in the morning . No . 400 seems quite relieved to have our field to herself for a while . Hopefully , they 'll bring Big Pinkie tomorrow and the two of them can settle down together . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
Taking a break from my tales tonight to reflect on something that 's been both an inspiration and a frustration to me as I 've been writing them . My husband and I recently discovered the ABC show , " Once Upon A Time . " We loved it from the first episode , and have been watching it almost every night for the last six weeks or so . But what started out as a really truth - filled , faith - bolstering fairy tale seems to have lost its way in the episodes we 've watched recently . The most disappointing choice that the writers have made is in Snow White 's storyline . ( Warning : spoilers ahead . If you 're a fan and haven 't yet gotten to the end of Season 2 , you may want to read this post after you do . ) You see , Snow White 's " talent " was that she was pure of heart . Even faced with the darkest acts of evil , she was always able to see the potential for future redemption in her enemy . But then , Snow made a dark choice herself . She chose vengeance rather than love . That , in itself , was not disappointing to me , because that made her human . It made her relate - able . The disappointing part is the way that the show presents her redemptive path . Rather than showing that love , repentance , and forgiveness are the key ingredients in redemption , it is instead required that Snow earn her redemption by doing good deeds , specifically toward those whom she has hurt . But even when she has done these things , Snow is still tormented by the knowledge that there is a dark spot in her previously pure heart . It seems that the show 's writers understand that good deeds can never equal redemption ; but they don 't know what to do with that fact , so they just send Snow on an endless journey , attempting to earn her purity back and purge the darkness from her soul . Isn 't this just like what so many of us do ? We feel that there is something wrong in our hearts - that we 're not pure as we ought to be - but we don 't know what to do with that knowledge . So , we just keep trying to do our best - to give to charity , to be kind to our children , to volunteer at the local public school or soup kitchen , to recycle and compost our trash - but we never seem to quite expunge the guilt that lies underneath our conscious thoughts day after day . Here 's the hard truth , one that the " Evil Queen " tells Snow in the show : There is no way to remove the dark spot in our hearts . Like Lady Macbeth , we are doomed to spend our lives crying " Out , damned spot ! " and wringing our hands in futility . Unless … Unless we invite the One who truly is pure of heart to take the stain from our souls . Y ' shua ( Jesus ) is the only one who has the " magic " necessary to clean our hearts . He doesn 't require that we perform a list of good deeds or ritualistic activities to earn His love and favor . All we have to do is ask , and believe , that He can free us from the unwieldy weight of our own bad choices , and He will . He will clean our hearts and restore us to the relationship with God that we all deeply long for . Whether we 've been believers for a long time , or are just now finding our hearts opened to acknowledge God 's existence , we need to know that it 's not our own efforts that can save us from ourselves . It is only God 's effort on our behalf . G . K . Chesterton once said , " Fairy tales are more than true , not because they tell us that dragons exist , but because they tell us that they can be beaten . " Jesus took the punishment that we deserve - death - and then he overcame it , like a knight defeating the world 's most gruesome dragon . Like the fairy - tale prince that He is , Jesus overcomes evil and offers to rescue our hearts , if we 'll let him . We can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after . But for them it was only the beginning of the real story . All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page : now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read : which goes on for ever : in which every chapter is better than the one before . " The City has been my home for as long as I can remember . Since boyhood , I have spent my days safe within its high , white walls . I never thought I would leave its sun - warmed cobblestone streets or spend my days out of earshot of its ever - flowing fountains . But that all changed the night the survivors came . Watching them limp in through the city gate , past the library where I was working late , I felt like I 'd been punched in the stomach . This kind of pain , the ugliness of what had been done to these people , it was something I had never seen before . Never before had I been face - to - face with the consequences of Evil . Sure , I had read about it in many of the books in the library - about the First Ghoul Uprising and other , more ancient battles ; about the dark places on the edges of the kingdom where strange things were seen and where only the strong of heart dared dwell . But this was the first time I saw such things with my own eyes . And it was the first time I felt fear rise in my heart at the thought of what Evil was capable of . I went out into the streets and began pointing the wounded toward the Healing Homes . Then I saw a man who could barely walk on his own . One of his ankles was bent at an odd angle and he was limping in horrible pain , leaning against walls and a too - short staff as he moved very slowly along the street . I went to him and put my arm around his back . But when we reached the first Healing Home , it was full to overflowing . The man 's slow pace meant that many had passed him and reached the Home first . It was the same at the second and third Healing Home . Finally , after climbing more than half - way up toward the center of the City , the man said breathlessly , " I must rest . Please . " We found a stone step and I lowered him carefully onto it . " I can go get help , " I said . There is a Healing Home near the center of the City , at the top of the hill . I 'll bring someone and we can carry you the rest of the way . " " No , " he said . " Please - " he ground his teeth in pain . " Please don 't leave . I need someone to keep me awake - I 've lost too much blood - " " You need help now , " I said . " I 've got to get someone . If they don 't stop the bleeding , you 'll die . " I felt myself getting queasy as I looked at the pool slowly forming around his foot . The nausea that I 'd been trying to hold back washed over me then , and I felt myself begin to tremor . " I - I don 't know what to do . I can 't - it 's better if I get help . I 'll run . I can be back with help in a matter of minutes . " His ankle was broken . The bone was protruding from his skin . Blood flowed down his leg and over his foot . I felt myself retch . The wounded man was not the only one in danger of passing out now . Then I felt his hand on my shoulder . I felt his lack of strength as he tried to squeeze my shoulder in reassurance . " You can do this , " he said . Though his voice was weak , there was confidence in it . I squared my shoulders . He was depending on me . " I can do it , " I said . " Tell me what 's next . " I felt for a pulse in his neck . It was still there , though weak . Knowing there was nothing else I could do for him there on the step , I took off running as fast as my feet could carry me up to the last Healing Home . I reached the Home and shoved open the doors . Other wounded were already there , but I was able to find an attendant and quickly explained about the wounded man . Shouting an order at another healer , he quickly followed me from the house and we both sprinted back to the man who I 'd left slumped against a doorpost several blocks away . When we reached him , the healer quickly examined his injury , then said , " We 'll need a litter . We can 't carry him without one or we 'll risk injuring him further . " Immediately , he began knocking on the nearest door . A moment later a woman appeared , carrying a candle . She gasped when she saw the man passed out nearby and the pool of blood beneath him . " We need a bedsheet and two long poles of some sort , " the healer said to her . " Do you have those things ? " " I have a sheet , but no poles . But the man next door , he 's a carpenter , he might have something . " Without waiting for the healer to instruct me , I immediately ran to the door she had indicated and began pounding on it with my fist . Seeing the injured man , he said , " I don 't have any poles , but I have some long branches . I was going to make bedposts out of them . Follow me . " I followed the man into his workshop . The floor was thick with sawdust and there were several half - complete pieces of furniture leaning against the walls . I could tell at a glance that his workmanship was of the highest quality . But I didn 't stay to admire the chests and chairs . He handed me two long branches , with the white , paper - like bark still on them . Thanking him , I took the branches and made my way quickly back out to the street . When we reached the building , I was asked to wait outside . Even this , the last and most remote healing center in the city was already full with patients . I wanted to go in , to see that the wounded man was taken care of . But my nausea began to creep back in as I saw so many injured people waiting for treatment . So , I waited on the front steps , my head in my hands - exhaustion and a sense of soul - weariness weighing me down . So many wounded . And how many more were dead , left on the battlefields to be ravaged by the Ghouls ? The streets were silent . All the wounded had found places to rest and receive care . The other citizens of the City , many of whom had come out into the streets to help , had gone back to their homes . I was about to get up and head back to my rooms near the library , when I heard footsteps in the alley beside the Healing Home . Turning my head toward the sound , I saw a group of six men - generals by their armor and insignia - carrying a litter up a stairway and into an adjacent building . I could not see who was on the litter , but I knew it must have been someone important to be carried by such high - ranking men . " I - I 'm sorry , sir , " I said . " I saw you carrying someone inside , and I was curious . I should have minded my own business . Forgive me . " It was then that I noticed the tears on the man 's cheeks . " You needn 't apologize , " he said , and then sighed heavily . " The news will reach all ears soon enough anyway . The man we carried in was the King . He is dead . " I staggered backward and nearly fell on the top step behind me . The general caught my arm . " The king ? " I whispered , incredulous . " The king is dead ? " " Yes , " he said softly . " As hard as it may be for any of us to believe . " He moved past me then , starting down the stairs . " You should get home , " he said to me , looking over his shoulder . " Rest while you can . Tomorrow will bring more grim news than just the king 's death . We should prepare ourselves . Our City is about to become a battleground . " And with that he hurried off into the dark streets . I am sad to see it go . I have had a good life here in El . I enjoyed many adventures , the best of which was becoming a mother . Maryam is in the City now . I wish I could say goodbye to her . The king is dead . I don 't understand how that can be any more than I understand how the warm blood flowing from my veins carries my life away with it . The king was said to be eternal . Now , as I face death , it seems strange to me that I am not eternal , too . How can a life be tied to such a small , temporary thing as a body ? How can this great , ever - growing essence in me end ? Even now , as my moments grow small , I still feel myself becoming larger - the very experience of dying expands me , give me more understanding , and more questions . Will they never be answered ? Will this curiosity which is in me , which has led me like an adventurous friend into so many experiences and relationships , will it just end ? Be snuffed out ? Even a candle leaves a vapor , a whiff of growing , dispersing smoke when it dies . Will I ? Or will I just be gone , like a footprint in the dust after the wind blows over it ? It seems impossible , and yet I have never been told otherwise . Death - the untouchable subject . No one talks about it . The dead are here one day and then gone the next , as if they never existed ; their names are not mentioned . But why ? And why am I only now seeing the foolishness in this ? Why did it take the experience of my own death to make me realize that we have been wrong all along ? It is wasteful to let death take our loved ones . It is cowardly . No , perhaps we cannot stop their bodies from ceasing to hold their life , but we can keep ourselves from closing the door on their lives as if they never existed at all . Why should we not talk about our loved ones that have gone through death ? Why should we close our lips and our hearts to the memories of them - both joyful and painful ? Why should death be the end of them ? And what if it isn 't the end ? What if they , like the candle 's smoke , expand into the air all around us , becoming part of the very atmosphere of our days ? What if they simply shift into another way of being , leaving their bodies behind , but not ceasing to exist any more than the light of the candle ceases to exist when it leaves the flame , than the heat of a fire ceases when it leaves the hearth ? The light and the warmth remain , though no longer embodied by wood or wick . Perhaps these are the foggy thoughts of a woman whose breath grows weak and whose eyes are becoming misted over . Yet I feel , as death draws nearer by the heartbeat , as if clarity is just beyond that veil , as if the words - the understanding - which cannot function in this too - mortal clay , will burst upon me once I shed this body . Perhaps this is not the end after all ? So it 's 10 : 00 pm on Friday night , and I haven 't written a fairy tale in 2 days . I 'm afraid I shall have to ( at least temporarily ) retract my promise to publish a tale every day . My sincerest apologies . You see , we 're at a family retreat , and while I had hoped to be able to continue to write while I 'm here , it 's not working out that way . But don 't worry … I have characters and plots floating around in my mind , gaining more and more coherence as the hours go by . Soon I will share them with you all . Please be patient . And please stay tuned ! I am known by many names in the Kingdom of El . Some call me the Gypsy Song , others the Invisible Whistler . But the most common is the Piper of Pied . Some have thought that this title referred to my clothing - which they mistakenly believed to be made of many different colors of cloth . But this name actually refers to the older meaning of " pied , " which is " foot " or " feet . " For you see , it is only the footprints of my followers that are left behind after I visit a village . I discovered my gift when I was just a child . I was given a small flute as a birthday gift one year , sent by an anonymous giver . For weeks on end , I did nothing but practice that flute . I took it with me everywhere I went . Then , one day , when I had finally become quite good at playing it , I noticed that some of the other children in my village were following me around . I thought they liked my playing , so I began to play louder , making my way throughout the village streets . Soon other children and even adults began to join in the parade . By the time I 'd finished my song , the entire village had come out and begun to follow me . When I finally took the flute from my lips , they all seemed to shake themselves and look around . They seemed surprised to find themselves in the village green , where I had stopped , as if they did not remember following me there . At first , I didn 't know what to make of this strange phenomenon . But it didn 't take long for me to realize that every time I played my flute , the people who heard me immediately stopped whatever they were doing and began to follow . It was fun for awhile . Then it became frightening . More than once , a fire was set or a baby temporarily abandoned because someone followed the sound of my music , leaving the task they had been engaged in . No one ever discovered how or why these things were happening , for after I stopped playing , no one could remember why they had left their home or their work or what had made them walk to some other place in the village . The people in my village , including my own family , thought that they were subject to some kind of strange illness or a curse of some sort . Eventually , they sent to the City to ask for help . In the meantime , I had learned to use my talent for my own gain . I began sneaking away to other nearby villages and settlements . Once there , I would play my flute loud enough for all to hear , then lead them far from their homes , out into the wilderness . Then , as they were " waking " from their trance , I would run back to their houses and barns and gather their belongings - anything valuable and small enough to carry easily . I would carry these spoils back to my own village , where I hid them in small cave I had discovered not far from my family 's home . I had no specific plans for all my laid - up treasure . I just enjoyed collecting it . I thought that someday perhaps I would take a great , long journey and would use my trove to fund my trip . But mostly , it just made me happy to think that I had tricked so many people out of their belongings and no one was the wiser . Meanwhile , I had discovered something interesting about my gift and its limitations - although my music would immediately weave its spell over most people , there were some who were unaffected . These were always children - usually the younger ones . I came to the conclusion that the reason people followed my music was because , for awhile , it made them forget their sorrows . When they heard my music , people got a look of dreamy contentment on their faces . Even people who I had never seen smile before seemed happy and peaceful when they followed me . My music somehow made them forget the deep sorrows that they never talked about but that lived deep in their souls and weighed their hearts down from day to day . But children , especially the youngest of them , had no such sorrows to forget . It was disconcerting for me to return to a village now emptied of its people and to see a tiny child toddling about , wondering where everyone had gone . Fortunately for me , there was rarely a child left behind that was old enough to talk - so no one gave away my identity when the adults returned . Then , one day , just as I was stashing my latest haul in the cave , I heard the sound of trumpets coming from the village green . Quickly crawling out of the cave , I ran to see what was happening . To my great surprise , standing in the middle of the green , surrounded by my family and the other villagers , stood the King . Fear gripped me . What if the king discovered that it was me that was causing the trance - like wanderings and the disappearing possessions ? What if he found my cave of booty ? Would he punish me ? Take me back to the City and throw me in a dungeon for the rest of my life ? Or would he tell everyone what I had done and leave me at their mercy as they beat or pilloried me for all the trouble I 'd caused ? I decided that I would do everything I could to stay out of the king 's way while he was there . If he never met me , then he couldn 't suspect me . And I would take a break from my pillaging for awhile . Maybe if things calmed down for a few months , if there were no more complaints , then I could resume my activities more subtly in the future . But for now , I would lay low . " I know that you are the one who has been putting the people into trances and stealing their goods , " said the king . I started to protest , but then fell silent . The look in his eyes , while not angry , was stern , and I could tell he would brook no argument . " Yes , your majesty , " I said quietly , bowing my head . My fate was sealed . There was no escaping it . My actions had caught up with me and now I was going to pay for them - with death , perhaps , or something even worse . " No , sir , " I said . " It came with no note . " Inwardly I wondered if some dark sorcerer or other purveyor of evil had sent it , to lead me astray and cause chaos among the villagers . Perhaps it was part of some larger nefarious plan . " You ? But why ? " How had the king even known of my existence ? And why would he send me something that would lead me into a life of evil , when he himself was renowned for his goodness ? " But I don 't understand , " I said , still waiting for him to proclaim my punishment . " I have only done harm with my music . Why , if you knew what I was capable of , would you want to help me along that path ? " Stunned that I was not being sentenced to death or dungeon , I quickly agreed . " Yes , yes , I 'll make amends . And I 'll never play music again . I 'll never lead people away from their homes or their children . I 'll destroy the flute . Here , I 'll do it right now ! " And I pulled the flute from my pocket , ready to crush it with my heel . " Don 't destroy it , " the king said , putting his hand on mine to keep me from throwing the flute to the ground . " There will come a day when your talent will be put to good use , when people will need you to lead them where they would not otherwise follow . Your flute , and your talent , will be needed one day . " " But how will I know when that is ? " I was worried that if I kept the flute , I would be tempted to use it again for harm . Better to destroy it now and never again face the desire to entrance and steal with it . " You will know , " he said confidently , " if you learn to listen to your heart and not your selfish inclinations . For it was I who gave you this talent , when your parents brought you to the City as a tiny baby and asked that I christen you . I gave you your name , and I gave you your gift . And if you listen closely to your heart , you will know when it is time to use it again . " Many children in El are given their names by the king . But I had not know that I was one of them . For some reason , my parents had never told me this . Now that I knew that my talent and my name were gifts from the king , I wanted to keep them unsullied . In the future , I wanted to be untainted by greedy and rebellious actions . When the king left that day , I thought I had been released from a terrible punishment . I returned the things I had stolen , and attempted to make right the other harm I had done - both in my own village and in the others nearby . But what I hadn 't realized is how heavy a punishment it would be simply to live among those who had come to distrust and even hate me . Most of them , once they found out what I 'd done , didn 't want anything to do with me . They ceased to call me by my name , " Patrice , " and began to call me " Pied . " The avoided my eye and kept their distance when I was about . Eventually , I decided that I had to leave . I had only sixteen summers at this point , and was not technically old enough to leave home . But staying in the village had become too painful for me . The looks of disdain , fear , and anger were too much for me to bear day after day . Though my family told me I should stay , I could tell that they were ashamed of me and wished me gone as well . I thought I would be better off in some distant place where people did not know my past , the things I had done , where maybe I could begin anew . And so , with my flute in my pocket , I left Braed permanently . Or so I thought . Last night was my sentry shift . I was assigned to the North gate . It had been a long day of washing and mending , and I was tired . At thirty - four summers , I am not as young as I once was . The work of scrubbing and wringing the clothes and hanging them , wet and heavy , on the lines is tiring at times . But I reported for my shift on time . With news of the Ghoul attacks in the North Country , it is more important than ever to guard the City . For if the City is lost , then the whole kingdom is lost . The three - hour shift was uneventful . Our relief had just come and I was about to go home , grateful to be able to finally sleep , when I saw something out of the corner of my eye . Though she moved swiftly , I recognized the shape of a young girl slipping out through the gate into the darkness beyond . I followed her for about an hour . She kept to the road , and it was not hard to stay near her , though I had to hide quickly a few times when she turned to look behind . But she seemed to not notice me . Then , suddenly , she dove into a clump of heather beside the road . I thought that if she had seen me following then this was a foolish move , as I could have quickly overtaken her in her hiding place . But then I saw that it was not me she was hiding from , but the shapes on the road . Following her lead , I moved swiftly off the road and into a clump of bracken . As the shapes drew nearer , it was all I could do not to cry out . For they were none other than the king 's army - torn and battered , some wounded beyond recognition , many limping or dragging themselves along . How could this have happened ? How could our king , who had never before suffered defeat , have failed ? And why was he not leading the procession ? Surely he should have returned with his troops - should have ensured their safe return to the sanctuary of the City ? The girl I had followed stayed hidden during the entire procession . I debated about running back to the City to tell them to prepare to receive the wounded . But the same instinct that had told me not to accost her as she left , now told me to wait , to stay near her . I waited , crouched in the bracken for nearly an hour as the wounded passed by , my heart aching more and more with each broken soldier that went past . Then I saw the generals . They were standing tall , in spite of being wounded themselves . At first they were too far away for me to see the formation they marched in . But as they drew nearer , I realized that they were arrayed in two rows - three men in each row . Immediately , I felt the breathe knocked out of my lungs . Such a formation could only mean one thing . They were carrying a litter . And if the generals were carrying a litter themselves , rather than honoring the other soldiers with the task , then there could be only one man upon that litter - the king . As they passed , I felt hot tears begin to stream down my cheeks . The king was not merely wounded , as I had dared to hope . It was clear by his white - grey face that he was dead . It was all I could do to hold back the sobs that were rising inside me then . The king , dead ? How ? How could it be ? The king who had reigned over the Kingdom of El from time immemorial - the one who everyone said was immortal - how could it really be him lying on that litter , returning to the City he built generations ago for his friends and followers ? How could the one true king be dead ? As I wrestled with these thoughts and the fear and horror that threatened to engulf me , I heard a rustling nearby . I turned to see the girl emerge from her hiding place . She stared after the generals and their unthinkable burden for awhile , then turned and began to head north again . This time I knew I had to stop her . I knew that if I cried out or made a sound that she would run and I might never catch her . So , pushing down the flood of emotions inside me , I began following her quietly , gaining on her step by step . She was more cautious now , more skittish , looking around her every few moments as if afraid that more of the wounded would appear . I knew that they would not , that every soldier who had survived the battle was now behind us , drawing near to the City . But the girl 's increased vigilance made it difficult for me to get close to her . I had to keep ducking behind bushes and into gullies beside the road . Finally I drew close enough that I thought I could make a break for it and catch her . But at that moment she turned her head and caught sight of me . She cried out and began running full tilt down the road . I took off after her , but as exhausted as I was , it was hard for me to keep up . After nearly ten minutes , the girl slipped and lost her footing . In a moment , I was upon her . I tackled her to the ground , trying not to injure her or myself in the process . She beat at me with her fists and flailed like an animal in a trap . But finally I subdued her , pinning her arms above her head and sitting on her legs to keep her still . " Yes , it was the king . So what ? I 'm glad he 's dead ! He stole my parents from me and now he 's gotten what he deserved . So let me go . I won 't live in his stupid City . I 'm going home , to the North Country , where I belong . " " No you 're not , " I said . " However you feel about the king , it was his power and strength that kept this kingdom peaceful and safe . Now that he 's dead , there is nothing to keep the dark creatures and evil men in check . You 'll be dead before you reach the next village . And we 'll both be dead if we don 't return to the City right now . In fact , we 'll be lucky to make it , as it is . You led me on quite a chase and there 's a lot of distance between us and the safety of the walls right now . " " Even if it was the king 's reputation that kept everyone in check , " spat the girl , " no one knows he 's dead yet . Except you and I . So they won 't be out for blood until the word gets out . That will take days , maybe weeks . " " You fool , " I said , becoming frustrated with the obvious ignorance and the stubbornness of this girl . " It wasn 't the king 's reputation that kept them in check . It was his very life . His life force prevented dark things from being able to take hold in the kingdom . With him dead , every filthy , twisted thing that has been holed up for as long as the kingdom has existed will be slithering out of their holes and shadows . By the time this night is over , the kingdom of El will be a vastly different place than it has been before . The only chance we have - the only chance anyone has - is within the walls of the City . " " But my parents , " she said , trying to twist out of my grasp again . " They 're out there somewhere . If what you say is true , then they 're in danger and I have to get to them . I have to go to them now ! " " Your parents aren 't out there , girl . If they survived the battle , then they were among the wounded that passed us on the road . There is no one left in the villages . Everyone who couldn 't fight was evacuated to the City . Everyone who could fight is either dead or on their way into the City right now with the remnants of the king 's army . You and I are the only two out here . " This realization seemed to stun her into submission for a moment . Her hands dropped limply to the dirt . " But my parents , " she said weakly . " I didn 't see them . I don 't think they were among the wounded . " " You never know , " I said , trying to put some confidence into my voice . " Many of the survivors were wearing blankets over themselves to keep warm . Your parents could have been among them … then you wouldn 't have been able to see their faces well enough in the darkness to recognize them . " I didn 't say that they also could have been among those so disfigured that even if she 'd seen them in daylight she might not have known them . " Come , " I said . " The only way to know if your parents survived is to return to the City . And quickly . We 'll have to run the whole way if we 're to make it alive ourselves . " The thought of such a run made me feel weary to my very bones , but I knew we had no choice . As if to confirm my words , a low howling sound began to echo in the distance . The girl started up . Then there was a rustling in a bush somewhere much closer . I pulled her to her feet and we both began running - running as if our lives depended on it . Because they did . I 've always loved the mountains . As a little girl , I used to stand outside our cottage and stare hard into the distance , trying to make them out against the horizon . Sometimes , on a clear day , when the light was just right , I could see their outline far away , calling to me . When I was ten , my father took me north with him . He was a weaver , and he would make beautiful rugs and blankets and fabric from the wool that the local shepherds brought us . Once a year , he would load up all his textiles onto our wagon and take them north to the villages near the mountains , where the cold winters made his wares a valuable commodity . I could hardly wait to set out on our trip . I danced around the wagon . " Are you ready yet , Father ? Can we go now ? How long ? The sun will be up soon . Let 's go , let 's go ! " My mother and grandmother kept trying to reel me back in . " Clarissa , come here . You need a heavier jacket . Did you pack your thermal undergarments ? Where are your mittens ? " I ignored them . It was barely autumn . The air was still warm , even this early in the day , before sunrise . I couldn 't understand their worry . Finally , all was ready . My mother handed me my bag , full of all the warm clothes she could fit in it . " I know you 're excited to be going to the mountains , Clarissa . But be sure to heed your father - the roads of El are not safe like our village . There are many dangerous things out there . " My grandmother squeezed my hand . The excitement that danced in her eyes matched my own . " Clarissa , you will finally see the mountains , as I know you have always desired . Perhaps you will even have an adventure or two . " I hugged her tight . My grandmother had always understood me better than anyone else . " Good - bye Melodie , " my father said to my mother . " Good - bye children , good - bye Mother ! We 'll see you in three weeks , four at the most . " " Good - bye ! " I called out as the oxen began pulling us away toward the road that would lead us north . " Good - bye ! We 'll be back soon ! " Now that the journey was actually upon us , I began to feel a little nervous . Three weeks away from my family and my home . It suddenly seemed like a long time . My father put his arm around me . " Don 't worry , Clarissa , " he said . " You 'll see them again very soon . And in the meantime , we 'll have some grand adventures . Just wait and see . Did I ever tell you about the Little People of Meridanth that live in houses made of grass on the southern slopes Mount Tanden ? " And he began to regale me with stories of all the people and places we would see on our journey until I completely forgot about the home I was leaving behind , and thought only of the wonders ahead . Five days into our journey , we stopped at a village called Braed . The mountains had grown larger and larger as we travelled north . From our room in the Inn , I could see them turning red and pink in the sunset light . " Two more days and we 'll reach the hill country , " my father said . " Then one day more , perhaps a day - and - a - half , and we 'll be in the foothills . That 's where we 'll sell most of the rugs and blankets . It stays cool there all year , and the winter comes early there . We might even see snow . " I woke with a start sometime later . The fire had burned low and the sky outside was black like coal . I looked to where my father should have been sleeping , but his bed was empty , his blankets still neat and untouched . He had never gone to bed . Surprised , I slipped out of bed , wrapping one of the blankets around my shoulders . Where could he be ? Maybe he had gone down to the common room and fallen asleep in front of the fire there ? Or maybe he was checking on the oxen in the stable . When I got to the stables , I found the door open wide . The animals were each safely shut into their stalls , but there was no one else in sight . I went to where our two oxen were sleeping , nuzzled against one another for warmth . Where could he be ? And where was everyone else ? Although it was late , it seemed strange that no one was about at all . At most of the inns where we 'd stopped , there were always a few travelers in the common room into the small hours of the morning . And it was not unusual for the innkeeper and stable boy to be up late as well , welcoming late - arriving boarders . I slipped back out into the inn yard , closing the stable door behind me . The night was very quiet . I was becoming quite worried , and scared . I decided to go out to the main road that ran past the inn . Perhaps there was some trouble somewhere in the village and my father and the others had gone to help . But when I reached the road , all was silent . The houses along the road were all dark , no candles burning in any of the windows . Truly frightened now , I began backing toward the inn yard , when I saw something that made me stop . In the road were many footprints . This was not unusual itself , but what was unusual was that they were all going in the same direction , north - out of the town - and that there were no cart or animal hoof marks among them . It looked as if a great group of people had all walked along the road recently - right out into the wilderness . Just then I heard a wailing sound begin in one of the houses nearby . I jumped in fright , but as I listened a moment more , I realized that it was not some weird and terrible creature , but a baby , who must have woken from its sleep . I hoped to see a light in the house and to hear the baby quiet as it 's mother got up to tend to it . But the windows remained dark , and the crying continued , growing stronger and more desperate with each passing minute . Finally , I could take it no more and I moved to the door of the house . To my surprise , it was not completely closed . I pushed it carefully open , my heart thumping wildly in my chest . What if there was something hiding in the shadows ? But as my eyes adjusted , I saw that the single room of the cottage was empty and motionless , except for a cradle in the corner , where they crying was coming from and where two tiny fists were reaching up , shaking in distress . I went to the cradle and saw an infant about three months old lying there . The blue blanket told me that it was a boy child . The room was cold , and the baby was shivering as he cried . I quickly picked him up , wrapping the blanket tight around him and holding him close to my chest . Having four younger siblings had taught me what to do with a crying baby . The baby quickly quieted and began sucking his tiny thumb . " There , there , " I said , patting his back . " Where are your mama and daddy ? Where has everyone gone ? " I was still frightened , but somehow having this little baby to care for had made me a little braver . I was not completely alone . And , there was someone who needed me to be strong , to try to make sense of things . Searching the room , I found some fresh milk in a clay pitcher . I remembered that my mother had sometimes fed my brothers and sisters milk with sugar in it when she was unable to nurse them . I set the pitcher in the coals of the nearly dead fire to warm it . Then I found a crock of sugar and mixed some into the milk . But I could not find a skin bag like my mother had used to give the milk to my baby siblings . " Nevermind , " I said to the baby , who was now falling asleep in my arms . " I 'll use one of the water skins we use for traveling . I think I can make it work for you . " Hefting the now warm pitcher in one arm and the baby in the other , I made my way back to the inn . Still , I saw no one about . Once I thought I saw movement on the road , but it was just a clump of grass swaying in the wind . Back inside the inn , I lay the baby on my bed . He began to fuss and whimper , but I was able to fashion a make - shift teat for him from my water skin and he happily drank the warm sugar - milk from it . When he 'd begun to fall asleep again , I gathered up my possessions and my father 's . But I couldn 't carry them all down to the stables without leaving the baby alone in the room , which I wasn 't willing to do . What if he were gone when I got back ? What if he disappeared like everyone else ? Instead , I fashioned a sling out of a shawl my mother had packed for me , passed it around my shoulders and carefully placed the baby inside . He stirred slightly , but then curled against me and went back to sucking his thumb , his eyes closed peacefully . Then , gathering up our belongings , I moved quietly down to the stables . I woke Bodkin and Darla and led them out to where our wagon sat in the yard and hooked them into their harnesses . My father had placed oiled skins over the piles of textiles . Loosening one tarpaulin , I pulled several blankets from beneath and placed them on the floor beneath the wagon 's seat . Carefully I tucked the baby into his little nest of colorful woven fabric . He would be safe and warm there . Stowing my bag and my father 's beside the baby , I climbed up on the seat and slapped the reigns . Slowly , the oxen began to pull the wagon out of the yard . I turned them north , following the footprints on the road . We were going to find out where everyone had gone . And , more importantly , why . |
I 've had a cat of one sort or another nearly all of my life . My first cat was called Tiger , and she was ( of course ) a striped tabby . My earliest memories are of her having a litter of kittens . When one died , some idiot told my brothers and me that it died from overhandling , thereby making me think that I killed it by petting it . It was many years before I discovered that I hadn 't . There were some periods of catlessness from the time my parents split up two years later , until I was eleven , when my father told me he had a present for me in his car . I ran to the car and saw nothing on the seats . " Must be under the seat , " he said , so we ducked down and there was a gorgeous multicolored Angora kitten . I named her Fluffball . I plead being eleven . A year later , she went out one day and never returned . But a neighbor 's cat had kittens , so we next adopted a grey and white female whom I named Little One , because she was the littlest one in the litter . I plead being twelve . We had her for nine years , until she disappeared shortly after my mother moved to Florida . In the meantime , I had taken home a kitten in January of my freshman year in college , intending to give it to my father . She was a multicolored striped tabby , and she was beautiful . He didn 't want it . He got it anyway , as I shortly thereafter left my mother 's house and moved in with him , kitten and all . A year later , she presented us with a litter of kittens . I chose one even more beautiful than Lady ( I plead being a freshman in college ) , named her C ' mell ( I plead having just discovered Cordwainer Smith and The Ballad of Lost C ' mell ) , and a year later left New Jersey for the west coast , cat and all . She and I ultimately drove from Steilacoom , a suburb of Seattle , to Rancho Bernardo , a suburb of San Diego . Then we flew to Florida and ultimately back to New Jersey , where I had her for seven years , until one day she went outside , never to return . I waited another year before getting another cat , as I was then out of school and working and saving money to move out on my own . Lady was still there , and very happy to be an only cat again . I told my friends to keep an eye out for me . I wanted a female , multicolored , shorthair cat , much like C ' mell . I wanted it after Labor Day , since I was going to move into my new apartment that weekend . A month before Labor Day , a friend of mine called me up . She 'd found my kitten , she told me . " Is it female ? " " I think so . " " Is it multicolored ? " " Sort of . " " Does it have short hair ? " " I think so . Come and look at it . " So I went . The cat was an orange and white striped tabby , it was male , and it had the telltale fuzz which , on a kitten , denotes a long - haired cat . I didn 't want it . I told my friend I wouldn 't keep it . I 'd take it for the weekend , because she was allergic , and on Monday I 'd bring it to a shelter and find one that I wanted . Her next - door neighbor laughed at me and told me I would never give that kitten up once I took it home . I assured her that she was wrong . Tigger started out life with another name , but after a week , I noticed that when he played , he hopped with a stiff , four - legged hop that was , essentially , a bounce . In fact , he bounced his way from the bottom of my bed to the top the very first night I had him , thus assuring he would never have another home . So his name became Tigger , and he bounced until nearly the end of his life , which was five years ago next month . Wow . February 4th is the fifth anniversary of The Tig 's death . That was a rough one . He died of cancer at the age of 13 and a half . I had never been so attached to a pet before ; I had never had clinical depression before - - the combination had me worried I wasn 't going to make it much longer than Tig . I did make it , obviously . Family and friends helped a lot . I had no idea you could get so attached to a pet that you would grieve for it like it was a family member . It explained a lot to me about other people 's behavior . I had to wait three months before I could get my new cats , because I wanted kittens . Until Tig died , I was unaware there was a " kitten season " , and that February wasn 't it . But I did want an orange tabby like Tig , and one day my downstairs neighbor told me her daughter had just the kitten for me . Some jerk had left twelve ( yes ) ten - day - old kittens at the Clifton animal shelter , and all but one were orange . She fostered two , and on Easter Sunday , I got a glimpse of the two kittens . I wanted the male straight off . Pure orange , fuzzy , cute as a button . The female was dirty and ratty , covered with milk and whiny . Nah , one cat was all I could handle , I said . By the end of the day , I 'd guilted myself into taking them both . I got them when they were twelve weeks old . Tigger and Gracie , my polar opposites . Tig is my big dumb Tigger cat who loves everyone , sleeps in my bed with me , plays constantly , talks constantly , plays fetch , gives hugs , and follows me around . Gracie is a CAT . She 's affectionate in her way , at her choosing , and in her places . She runs from visitors ( unless there 's tuna or brushing ) , doesn 't talk much , wants you to throw things so she can look at them as you throw them but not chase them . She likes nothing better than to hide somewhere I can 't find her , or sleep in the sun . But she 's my Sweetness , and my world would be emptier without her , and without Tig . So now you have the basics . Let the stories - - and the pictures - - begin . - - MAY permalink I kicked my cat in the eye two weeks ago . Well , not really , but I was barefoot , and I took a step to get something on the other side of the room - - probably socks , as it 's wintertime - - and Tig was , as usual , underfoot . Only this time it was literally - - my big toe went straight into his left eye , toenail first . Result : Two weeks later , a weeping eye infection that spread to his right eye , an expensive trip to the vet when I can least afford it , and eyedrop medication that has to be put in twice a day . This , mind you , for the cat who can no longer get his claws clipped at the vet 's because the last time we tried it , we wound up having to wrap him , got extra assistance , and even with the vet , his assistant and me holding him , Tig slashed both the vet and me before we finished all four paws . That was the last time I bothered . I figured they 'd start charging me more if I kept asking for his claws clipped . Yesterday , he hissed and yowled and swatted at the vet and me . He leaped when he got his feline leukemia shot , but the vet had a good hold of him . And the vet showed me how to put in the eyedrops . " See how easy that was ? " he said , smiling . " Yeah . The first time , " I said . My vet is a sadist when it comes to my handling Tig . He likes to tease me about how it 's no real problem . I knew that from then on , Tig would run and hide as soon as he saw the dropper bottle . I was wrong - - he didn 't recognize it until after I put one drop in one eye . Then he tried to leap for the ceiling and run . I managed to get the other eye done , but despaired of being able to figure out how to do it again this morning . So here was my brilliant idea : Tig loves tunafish . I 'd made sure to buy some yesterday . I held the plastic bag in one hand , the dropper in the other . " Let me see your eye , " I said , which is a phrase he already knows , as I 've been saying it umpteen times since he got kicked . He doesn 't mind having his eye cleaned with a tissue . So for five minutes , we went back and forth between his desire to eat tuna and his refusal to get drops put in his eye . I cajoled and enticed , until finally I just gave up and grabbed him and put the drops in . He didn 't like it , but was less violent than last night . And I gave him tuna afterwards , in the hope that he 'd associate getting eyedrops with getting treats . All I can say is , if he was the one that turned out to have asthma and need steroid pills every other day instead of Gracie , he 'd be dead by now . Either from lack of medication or because I just plain killed him out of frustration . permalink Last night as I was trying to answer some email , I heard strange noises from the direction of one of my cats . Tig was asleep in the Coca - Cola box ( which is too small for him , and was Gracie 's , but neither fact makes a bit of difference to Tig ) . I couldn 't place the noises - - they sounded something between a snore and a whimper , if cats whimper . While I was looking at him and trying to decide whether to wake him up , Gracie , who heard him too , crept slowly and cautiously toward Tig , just as curious as I was . I started laughing silently as she stood next to him , ready to run for cover , when he suddenly woke with a start , raised his head , and looked at Gracie , who had stepped back - - just in case , you see , not because she was frightened . Perhaps he was having a nightmare about some strange woman grabbing him and putting eyedrops in his eyes . In any case , he went right back to sleep . Sleeping cats are an extremely relaxing sight . Mark Twain said that you can tell the comfort level of a house by the number of cats sleeping in the windows . Gracie , the one with asthma , snores regularly , Tig only occasionally , but more often than not , he sleeps next to me , usually touching me , and I often wake up in the middle of the night because my 16 - and - a - half pound cat has decided he wants more room in the bed , and is pushing against me . The fact that he never succeeds , indeed , the opposite occurs with my pushing him further away , never seems to get through . But the moment I wake up in the morning he 's yowling for me to pet him . A purr in the morning is a good thing . Gracie needs to be pet in her own time , at her place of choosing , and in her own way . There 's the bathroom sink , her favorite petting place . There 's her " nest " , the bottom shelf of my bookshelf that I lined with a towel specifically for her to sleep in , since Tig took over the kitty condo practically the moment I brought it home . There 's the spare room , which she has claimed for her own , and where she sleeps of an evening . And there 's right next to my CD tower , so she can rub against the sharp plastic edges with the side of her face while I pet the rest of her . Our evening ritual is generally my having to follow her through my bedroom until she decides where the petting place will be that evening . On rare occasions when I catch her lying down and pet her then , if I ask her , " Who 's my girl ? " , she responds by flexing her claws in and out , that kneading motions cat do . I read once that dogs consider their owners to be pack leaders , and cats consider their owners to be their mother . I don 't know how true that is , but there are definitely times when I feel like cats are as much work as babies ( see below ) . permalink Tig will stay outside if I close the door , but Gracie will not . She freaks if she doesn 't have an avenue of escape . Tig will also yowl at the door outside until I come let him in . Gracie will merely hide somewhere nearby in a frenzy of fear until my neighbors come home and knock on my door to tell me there is a half - crazed cat that wants to get inside . So all of this introduction is for the following : I have a balcony , which in bad weather serves as a substitute for the full outdoors . Tig scratches at the door enough to have ripped off the weatherstripping I replaced this winter after he ripped off the previous year 's weatherstripping . Every morning while I 'm eating breakfast , Tig does this , often accompanying the scratching with a few yowls . Every morning , I reach over and open the door . And every morning - - every single fucking morning - - Tig refuses to go outside the first time I open the door . I close it , he waits a few moments , scratches again , and goes out the second time . Perhaps it 's just because it 's still wintertime , and I won 't leave my front door open for my cats to go in and out as they please . Perhaps it 's because I 'm unemployed again , and therefore home a lot more often . But I am no longer allowed to write , or surf the net , or blog - - at least , according to Tigger . My sole job is to pay attention to him . That means I 'm supposed to pet him , brush him , play with him and feed him tunafish whenever he wants . I am allowed to pet Gracie once in a while , but only for a little while , and only if he 's busy doing something else at the time . He will literally push his head under my hand as I 'm reaching out to pet her , if he decides he wants the attention . Okay , so I 'm a bit indulgent . There are a pair of comic book boxes sitting next to my chair in the kitchen , and Tig has gotten in the habit of jumping on them and meowing when he wants me to pet him , and I 've left them there because I 've found it easier to deal with that than to have him stick his paw through the back of my chair and smack me on the back until I pay attention to him . Remember , I can 't clip his claws , so if I 'm wearing a thin shirt , his claws are most unpleasant attention - getters . I 'll eventually move the comic boxes , but for now , Tig gets to sit a foot away from me , at chair level , and beg and beg and beg for attention . And he 's an attention addict ; once you give him a little , he wants more , more , more ! In the meantime , Gracie waits stoically until she gets tired of all the attention Tig is getting . Then she yowls in short , loud bursts , indicating that she wants some loving , too , and I had better do something about it . Preferably while giving her water in the bathroom sink , and with Tig licking her ears all the while . It 's a little disconcerting to think of yourself from a cat 's - eye - view . But then again , it 's a lot comforting to be followed from room to room by a small , purring creature who only wants to stay within arm 's reach because he loves you so . permalink If you have cats , you 're going to get scratched . That is a given , unless you want to be one of those beasts that declaws your cat . The only legitimate reason I can see for declawing a cat is if you have a child at risk from said cat 's claws and will give up neither the cat nor the child . I have - - sigh - - six cat scratches at the moment , the worst of which is on my right thumb and hurts like a sonofabitch . That one was from last night , when I was brushing Tig and he tried to tell me I was getting too close to the tangles . Well , he did tell me , actually , only we disagree on the proper language for such a complaint , and so , my thumb is scratched . Deeply . Anyway . Today is a beautiful spring day , and we have all been outside several times , doing the laundry , eating grass , and just sitting in the sun and feeling glad that winter is nearly over . I will leave it to you to decide which of us were eating grass , and which were doing the laundry . I 've read that dogs think of their owners as their pack leaders , and cats consider you their mother . I 'm inclined to believe those theories , because they begin to explain Tig 's behavior while exploring The Great Outdoors . He tends to wander the farthest , often out of my sight , and from time to time , I go outside and call him , as I like to keep him close by . To my utter surprise , he comes running . If he 's about fifty yards down the sidewalk , and heading into the yard with dogs , and I call , " Tig ! " he ( most of the time ) will turn and start racing towards me . Today the connection clicked in my mind . Have you ever watched those animal shows where they study the big cats in the wild ? The cubs go off on their own a lot , but when Mama Cat roars that certain roar that says , " Get your asses back to the den , kids ! " they come immediately . So when I go outside and call my Tig , he 's probably thinking something like , " Ooh , Mom 's calling , maybe there 's food ! " and he comes a - runnin ' . Mrowr . permalink This morning , after I got up , Tig headed straight for the front door and started yowling to go out , because it 's been nice out most of the last week , and I 've been letting him and Gracie wander . " It 's cold and rainy out , " I told him . " You 're not going to want to go . " He yowled and yowled . " Fine , " I said , opening the door . He stepped to the outside door as I opened it , then immediately stopped and started blinking at the rain . He surveyed it for a few moments , then turned around and meowed at me . His meaning was clear : Make it stop . I laughed at him and he came inside , and immediately went to the back balcony door , where he thought perhaps it wasn 't raining . I opened that one , too . Now he 's sitting and sulking , yowling from time to time , because if he can 't go outside , he wants my full and undivided attention , and some belly rubs besides . He is , in fact , yowling as I write this , at intervals of perhaps five seconds , and is quite close to being permanently silenced . I know I said I 'd always wanted a Maine Coon cat , but I wish I had known beforehand how vocal they are . Are there breeds that don 't meow ? Because I think I want one of them . Especially at , oh , five in the morning when Tig is yowling for me to get up and play with him . permalink My Sweetness is sick . She has asthma . She nearly died of it the first time she was diagnosed - - fortunately , when she had her seizure , it was at the vet 's office , where I had brought her because I didn 't know what all that coughing and hacking was about . I thought she just couldn 't cough up a hairball or something . Then she seized as we were leaving . It was touch - and - go for a while , but she made it through . And now I get her steroid shots or give her pills . Giving her pills is a major undertaking . She 's smart - - you do something once , and she won 't let you do it again without a struggle . She knows the sound a pill bottle makes and heads for the hills if you jiggle one , so I put the pills in a plastic bag next to the bottle . She now knows what I 'm doing when I reach up to the top of the microwave and try to remove a pill from that bag . She won 't touch anything that you try to mix the pill in - - not even tunafish . So it 's a struggle to catch her , but once I 've got her and gotten the pill past her clenched teeth , we 're done . Oh , unless I don 't put the pill far enough down her throat and she pretends to swallow it and then spits it out when I let her go . But she 's been worrying me since Friday . I have increased her dosage because she 's having asthma attacks , and they are coming with increasing frequency . They 're not supposed to be happening at all . The pills are supposed to be controlling it . This morning she had an attack at 5 : 45 , and it was a small , quick one so I thought I 'd just go back to sleep and give her a pill when I got up in a few hours . Minutes later , I could hear her starting to hack again , and Tig , who was standing inches away from Gracie , began to meow anxiously , chirruping to her or to me , possibly to get me to make her stop choking . I got a pill and gave it to her while Tig watched and chirruped , and then when I was done he hastened to sniff her to make sure she was all right . I went back to bed and hoped that would be the last time today I 'd hear choking . Now I 'm on Gracie Watch the rest of the day - - the vet 's booked this afternoon and doing surgeries this morning , and wants me to come tomorrow afternoon if it isn 't an emergency , or bring her and leave her there if it is . I don 't want to leave her locked in a cage at the vet 's for hours . I have the pills ; I can raise her dosage to prevent more attacks . But Gracie is lying with all of her feet tucked under , which is her " I don 't feel so good " position , and I am concerned about my poor Sweetness . permalink TOP Can 't understand it . Mother put me in the jailbox again , and took me to The House of Pain . I know I didn 't do anything wrong - - she just did this to me a moon or two ago , and The Evil One stuck me with his longclaws . Stuck that damned bluntclaw up my ass again ; what is it with that thing ? I am not his mate . Mother knows this wasn 't the time for longclaws . I don 't understand - - I only threw up four times , and only twice on the green soft stuff on the floor . First thing they did when she left me there - - why did you leave me with them , Mother ? - - was throw me into solitary . I tried to talk the free sister into getting me out ; she pretended not to hear me . I hate her . She lives in The House of Pain and turns a blind eye to what The Evil One does . If I can get out of this box , I 'm going to give her such a beating . I 'll stick my shortclaw up her - - whoops , here comes The Evil One 's assistants ! More Later . Hey . Mother took Tig out in the jailbox . ALL RIGHT ! I have the whole place to myself ! Par - tay ! First thing I 'm gonna do is sleep on the inside tree . The one Tig never lets me sleep on . Then I 'm gonna mark all of his spots and make him mark them all over again . Big bully . I hope they stick him with the bluntclaw . Oh , cats , this is the worst they 've ever done . Ever . They stuck a longclaw in me , and then I fell asleep , and I seem to remember something noisy and a bellyrub , and then when I woke up - - you 're not gonna believe this - - my belly fur was gone ! My fur ! My beautiful long fur ! The fur that Mother brushes every day with the Belly Tickler . This is ridiculous . And cold , too . And my head hurts , and my mouth is dry , and I 'm hungry and they won 't feed me and oh , shit , I have to go to the bathroom again . Wait . They 're coming this way again . No ! Take him ! Take that funny - looking thing over there , look , his tongue 's hanging out , he must be sicker than me , he 's not even a cat , no , wait , leave me a - - [ Yawn ] Okay , let 's see what else . I know . I 'll eat out of this bowl . Now I 'll eat out of this one . Ha ! Now I 'm going to take a nap - - on Mother 's bed , and I 'm gonna mark it , too . On his pillow ! Okay , it 's been long enough . Mother should be coming to get me by now . They 've stuck longclaws into me , they 've stuck shortclaws into me , they 've stuck bluntclaws into me . They took my beautiful belly fur . They took my blood ! There 's nothing left for them to take . It 's getting dark . Where 's Mother ? Mother ? Mother ! This has been the best day ever . Mother and I watched the soundbox together . Mother didn 't have to stop Tig from beating me up - - because he 's not here , hahahahahaha ! He 's at the House of Pain , hahahahaha ! Hey , tonight , I 'm gonna sleep with Mother , and he can 't stop me ! Tried for hours to get the free sister to let me out of jail . Then I got too tired and fell asleep . They didn 't give me any food . They stuck this thing in my paw and this stuff dripped out of it into me . When I woke up , I forgot where I was for a minute . Then that thing in the jail next to me made those noises again . Woof . What kind of sound is " woof " ? It must be one of the lower animals ; cat speech has been developed for thousands of years . I once met a cat who knew sixteen different cat languages , and he cursed me out in all of them after I kicked his ass . Editor 's note : For the sake of accuracy , I must point out that Tigger never won a fight in his life , and is generally the first one to run inside my apartment and jump up on the windowsill . I never knew why he was meowing to the cats outside before , but I do now . Daylight again . They stuck me with longclaws again , took more blood . And I found out that while I was asleep yesterday , they broke off my claws ! Can you believe that ? How can a cat protect himself without his claws ? The Evil One is heartless and cruel , and if he comes near me today , I 'm gonna get him . Damn . I can 't . He broke off my claws ! Later : They tried to get me again . That 's it , I give up . They 're gonna have to take me dead , ' cause I ain 't moving from the back of this jail . Go ahead , Evil Ones ! Your paws aren 't long enough to reach me back here . Ha ! Wait . What 's that voice I hear ? Mother ? MOTHER ! ! Goddam goddam goddam goddam . Mother brought that loser back . I was so hoping he was gone for good . Well , I 'm gonna let him know he can 't kick me around anymore . AHAHAHA ! Look ! Mother just stuck pink stuff down his throat ! AHAHAHAHA ! Serves you right for - - hey , wait ! No , it 's not time for the white thing yet ! No , don 't put that in my mouth . Ew , it tastes terrible ! Editor 's note : And here the diaries ended . For the record , Gracie has been hissing at Tig ever since he came back , and I will never give Tig another dose of pink liquid medicine , which is now decorating my rug , my leather sofa , my kitchen floor , and Tig 's fur . His colitis can damned well heal by itself . That 'll teach him not to eat so much grass . And a four - inch - diameter bald spot looks ridiculous on the fat underbelly of a longhaired Maine Coon cat who likes to lie on his back all the time . I wish I had a digital camera . permalink TOP If you are easily grossed out , leave now . I don 't know why I feel compelled to discuss this , but it 's almost as if an overpowering urge is forcing me to write about it . Perhaps Tigger has finally learned the trick of hypnotizing me in my sleep - - you do realize all cats work on this their entire lives , don 't you ? The purpose of a cat , you understand , is to enslave us without our realizing we are slaves . A happy , seemingly independent workforce to take care of their every need - - that 's the ultimate goal for all of catkind . I know this because , as you can see below , I can understand cattalk . Oh , the gross stuff . Well , Tig 's problem of some ten days ago was that he has been eating enormous amounts of grass , and choosing the really indigestible kind while he was at it . So a large mass of grass combined itself with a large mass of cat hair , made its way down to his lower intestine , and stayed there , blocking the usual workings of the intestines , and causing me to be late on my first day back to work , as he was literally leaking from his behind . It was surgery day , so I left him at the vet 's and they called me back for permission to X - Ray . The vet had felt the mass of grass and cat hair and thought it was either a third kidney or a tumor , and decided he needed a picture of it to be sure which it was . He also did an ultrasound at some point , which required shaving a four - inch - wide swath of lower belly . The X - Ray showed one kidney was larger than the other , which worried the vet for a while , and required overnight hospitalization . Sometime after I got off the phone with the vet , Tig apparently passed the mass of grass and cat hair ( major owtch ! ) , at which I am certain that at least one member of the vet 's staff must have said , " Holy shit ! " , and so when I called the next day they told me fine , pick Tig up after work and the vet would let me know what the problem was , but overall he was okay . Oh , and they were going to give him a bath , because , as the vet said , " He was a mess down there . " I kinda figured , and was grateful someone else was going to clean his butt , thank you very much . Bad enough I had to clean up his vomit four times the previous morning . ( I told you this was going to be gross . Actually , I haven 't quite gotten to the part that was weighing on my mind yet . ) So when I went to pick him up , I had to wait a while , and then I went into the exam room with the vet and listened as he described what he had done to Tig and what had happened . After a few minutes , an assistant came out and said , " Uh - - we 're going to need Miss Yourish 's help with her cat . He won 't come out of the cage . " I was envisioning Tig at his worst , all hisses and claws - - but it was quite the opposite . He had obviously decided that they had done enough to him , and he wasn 't coming out of the cage ever again if he could help it . He pressed himself flat up against the rear , and wouldn 't let anyone come near enough to grab him . He was wet , bedraggled , hungry , shaven , tired , and frightened , and when I came to the cage and called him , he walked slowly in disbelief toward me . I picked him up and he practically flew into the cat carrier , the other familiar thing in the room . You could just hear him thinking , " Get me out of this hellhole ! " It took Gracie nearly a week to decide that Tig was , indeed , her brother that she was raised with . The vet smell lasted a long , long time . ( Either that , or she 's just a bitch . Tig only hissed at her for one day the time she was stuck at the vet 's overnight . ) But they 're back to normal now , although I have not let either of them out front since the incident happened . I 've decided supervised visits only - - it cost me a hell of a lot of money to find out that Tig had his unique form of indigestion to deal with . Oh , yeah - - his shaved belly revealed that he has a double row of orange spots , like a tortoise shell , which I couldn 't see through all the fur before . It 's quite cute . All of the above incidents have made me far too aware of my cats ' bowel movements ( including the fact that Tig 's took days to get back to normal and caused me to be late for work again the morning after I brought him home , as well as banish him from my bedroom until I was sure he was having no more accidents ) . And I 'm sitting here in my kitchen about an hour ago , and Tig is in the litterbox . I know it 's Tig , because he is the Felix Unger of cats and litterboxes . Gracie goes in , does her business , and leaves . Tig gasps in horror and says , " YOU FORGOT TO COVER IT ! " and leaps in after she is done to do the job for her . When it is his turn in the box , he does this : Digdigdigdigdig . Squat . Move . Digdigdigdigdig . Squat . Move again . Digdigdigdigdig . He repeats this , mind you , sometimes for as long as five or ten minutes at two o ' clock in the fucking morning ! And I live in an apartment , and the noise is LOUD . ( Have I mentioned lately that I hate cats ? ) So an hour ago , I hear Tig in the litterbox , and when he finally decides on the right position ( more than likely using his KGPS device - - Kitty Global Positioning Satellite ) , here 's the thing that I 've always noticed but never yet mentioned aloud : When a cat takes a crap , man , they shoot out like big brown bullets . Pop ! Pop ! Pop ! Makes you wonder how far those suckers could go if you could aim a cat while it was excreting . Not that I would , but it certainly does make you wonder . Okay , maybe not you , but it made me wonder , and now I 've gotten to that point again where I wonder if I 'll be able to deny having written this if I ever run for public office . About a month ago , I discovered something a little weird about Gracie . I had bought a box of Junior Mints ( movie sized ! ) form the local CVS , and then Passover hit , so it stayed in the CVS bag , forgotten , for about a week . Then I remembered it , got the mints , and put the bag in the microwave cart . Only it got taken out of there , because Tig pulls bags out of the cart to get my attention when I 'm not giving him enough attention ( his ultimate goal is 24 hours a day , including having me stare at him while he is napping ) . And Gracie suddenly went a little ape over the bag . That is , she started treating it like it had catnip in it - - rubbing her face against it , purring , basically making kitty love to it , and refusing to share with Tig . And then she exhibited all the behaviors of having just ingested catnip , including munchies and the final nap . I could only conclude that catnip and peppermint extract may be from the same family , which makes a bit of sense , as spearmint looks a lot like catnip . The most amusing thing is that Tig is completely unaffected by the mint scent , but since he saw Gracie with the wrapper , he wanted it , too , and rubbed against it and you could almost see him going , " Uh - - heh . I don 't get it . " That was enough for him , he left Gracie to rub her face on the foil wrapper and then roll around on her back and try to capture her tail with her front paws . I expect her to fall asleep any minute now , with a kitty smile of satisfaction on her face . I am tempted to give her a piece of mint , but there 's a lot of chocolate in it , and it 's the bittersweet kind , which is most poisonous to cats , so I think I 'll pass . permalink TOP I am right - handed . Months ago , I allowed Gracie to sit on the chair to my right when I work at the kitchen table . File this under Einstein 's definition of insanity ( repeating the same action over again and hoping for a different result each time ) : Gracie has a whip - like tail . When you pet her , she tends to flail right and left with the tail . As I said , I am right - handed . I cannot count how many times I 've had to move my drink to avoid getting cat hair in it , or , if it is near empty , to avoid getting it knocked over . I drug my cats . That 's right , I am my cats ' supplier . When I want them to leave me alone , I get out the catnip and distribute it liberally around several areas . I have to put it in multiple places , because it 's the only way Gracie gets any . Tig is that annoying older brother who hogs everything , even if he doesn 't really want what she has . If he wants to sit on the kitchen chair while Gracie is in it , he will leap up and stand over her until she moves . She always moves , unless I shove his big fat butt off the chair first . My cats are talkers , especially Tig . He chirrups , meows , and yowls on a constant basis , even when he 's asleep . He has taught Gracie to be more talkative . This is not a good thing , as they both have a tendency to talk to me while I 'm writing . I expect they 're saying things like , " Why are you doing that again ? You did that yesterday . Come outside and watch me catch a bird and eat some grass . " Or , " I 'm hungry . Can I have some tuna ? Were you going to feed me tuna ? Are you opening the big box that has tuna in it ? I want tuuuuuuuna ! " And then there 's , " He 's picking on me ! He 's picking on me ! " " Well , she won 't play with me . All I did was ask her to play . And bite her ass a little . " " He bit my ass a lot ! " And my favorite one : " Why are you lying in bed with your eyes closed ? Get up and play with me . It 's almost light out ! " permalink TOP I 'm so happy that Gracie is happier , healthier , and more playful here in Richmond than she was in New Jersey . I expect some of it is because I have no more carperting , only wood floors , and sliding on a wood floor is fun . Also , no carpet and central air means her asthma is more under control , and I 'm giving her less medication for it . She 's even coming into bed for bellyrubs . ( Though I 'm convinced that 's because the nighttable got switched back to the left of the bed , where it was two moves ago , and the left side is her side and the right is Tig 's , and things were reversed in Montclair . Gracie does not like routine change . She simply stopped coming into bed . ) Anyway . She 's happier and more active , Tig is utterly unchanged and unimpressed . His routine is the same . Only the settings have changed . Except for the bugs . I 'm not really liking the bugs . The cats are very much liking the bugs , but me I could easily live without them . My townhouse seems to be a haven for crickets and cricket - like creatures . The cats had a big one tonight that was smart enough to get under the television stand . I thought there was an excessive amount of noise coming from the living room earlier , but it wasn 't until I said , " What have you got there ? " and looked that I figured out why . Jiminy was captured ( by me ) and deposited outside in the rain , thank you very much . And he 's only the latest of the cricket - things . There have been these big brown bugs that have cricket legs but flat , beetle - like bodies . I don 't know what they are . They 're related to cicadas , I guess , only not nearly as ugly . The cats killed those . There are ( sigh ) Daddy Long Legs . Really big mothers . The cats killed those , sometimes inadvertently pulling off a leg and making me think of my childhood . ( No , I never did that , but some of the boys I knew did . ) There are various and sundry spiders that sometimes get killed , and sometimes get away . There is the occasional fly , but we 're all fine with that my old apartment complex had zillions of flies due to slumlord refusing to keep the garbage / recycling areas sprayed . used to actually reach behind me to open the kitchen door when I heard a fly buzzing around , wait a few seconds until the fly flew out , then close the door . t became rote after a while . The thing is , I really don 't like bugs . The only insect in the world that I can stand is the butterfly , and then only if I don 't look at it close up . It isn 't that I 'll shriek and run away ; quite the contrary . I don 't run . I don 't shriek . I generally utter a resigned sigh and get either a cup ( good bug ) or a newspaper ( bad bug ) and take care of business . But I don 't like bugs . And I especially hate finding dead bugs on the floor , which is what I do on a daily basis now . I hate it even more when I pick up the dead bug and it moves . That happened last week , while I was getting rid of one of those brown cricket thingies . I threw it outside . It must have recovered , because it was gone a few minutes later . Anyway . Bugs . Cats . A good combination when you 're trying to write and they 're bored . A bad combination all the rest of the time . Plus , half the time the cats eat the bugs when they 're done playing with them . w . w . nd may I say : Ew . permalink TOP My cats come when you call them . It 's true . When I let them outside , they often disappear from view but almost never from earshot . So when I need to get them back inside , I go to my patio door and yell their names . About 98 % of the time , they come running home . Sometimes , they get that ornery cat thing . " Yeah , you 're calling my name . So ? " That 's when I have to go out and grab them . Tig likes to pretend he doesn 't hear me far more often than Gracie . I think he sits in a nearby bush and laughs at me while I 'm calling him . They have quite a vocabulary , my cats . I read somewhere that cats can learn only about a half - dozen words . That is patently false . My cats know , among other things , " Wanna go out ? " " Get down from there ! " " Get off that chair ! " " Tigger , come say goodbye . " " Tig , say hello to . . . " " Who 's hungry ? " " Come here . " " Tunafish ? " " SHUT UP ! " " Don 't rub around my legs ! " " Who 's my girl ? " " Give me a kiss . " " Want to get brushed ? " " Leave her alone ! " " Leave Gracie alone ! " " Hey ! Leave your sister alone ! " Gracie also knows her other name ( Sweetness ) . Tig knows his name but answers to anything , including , to the great delight of a friend 's six - year - old who tried it , " Anything . " The phrase , " Give me a kiss " gets Tig ( when he 's in the mood ) to rub his face against mine . I 've almost gotten him to where he does it on command , and I am working on getting him to rise up on his hind legs when I say " Up . " ( Go ahead . Laugh . When I say , " Tig , come say goodbye , " he runs out from where he is and leaps onto the top ledge of the kitty condo for one last pat before I leave the house . ) " Don 't rub around my legs " is the phrase that all of my cats have learned , as it is said when I am in my work clothes and don 't want to brush cat hair off them before or after a workday . " Who 's my girl ? " is what Gracie hears when it 's her turn to get some major attention and petting , and never fails to get her to knead her paws in response . Of course , there are a few phrases I haven 't been able to get them to understand . Unfortunately , the one that I need them to understand the most is , " What do you want ? " Alas , I think that one will remain a mystery to them . permalink So I 've had this awful sinus / cold / whatever thingie for the past week , and one of the beauties I 've had to contend with is the reintroduction of my cats , who have known each other since they were ten days old . Because on Tuesday , Tig got incredibly sick with some kind of virus , forcing me to isolate him in the upstairs bathroom while removing anything made of material that I 'd have to wash , as he was vomiting and leaking diarrhea and doing the messiest things a sick cat can do . I debated taking him to the vet because I thought he was possibly trying to pass another mass of cat hair and rough grass , but by about 7 p . m . , when he barely lifted his head as I checked up on him , I decided I might have a dead cat on my hands if I didn 't bring him to the emergency vet . So , out through the pouring rain with a sick cat . Several hundred dollars later , we 're back home , I 'm completely certain that emergency vets ' sole job is to relieve you of as much money as they possibly can no matter what 's wrong with your pet , he 's been given IV fluids and some kind of antibiotic shot , and is re - isolated in the bathroom for the night . I go to bed with earplugs in , fully expecting him to yowl at the door . Didn 't matter ; I was up until three in the morning coughing my lungs out , unable to sleep . He did surprise me by letting me go back to sleep for a few hours later the next morning . He must have been wiped , too . But here 's the thing : Gracie refuses to allow that Tig is her brother with whom she 's been living these past five years . She did this the last time Tig was at the vet 's , but I thought that was because he was gone overnight and smelled medicinal when he came back . He was here , albeit in the bathroom , overnight , and groomed himself quite quickly once he recovered from his weakness . Doesn 't matter to Gracie . If Tig comes near her , she growls and hisses . If Tig looks at her , she growls and hisses . She won 't eat while he 's eating , won 't come inside if he 's standing at the patio door , won 't come near me if he comes near me . And Tig 's response to this is blissful ignorance . Yeah , she 's growling at him , but he knows she doesn 't really mean it . So for the past two days I 've been hearing a chorus of hisses and yowls that let me know exactly where both cats are at any given time . The only truce area seems to be my bed , and I think that 's because I form an unwilling wall between the two of them . Tig sleeps to my right , Gracie to my left . They know the other is there , but perhaps there 's a little - known rule of cat life that allows them to share the human even when they loathe each other . I 've noticed that Gracie keeps a watchful eye on Tig even while she 's getting her bellyrub . But she really enjoyed herself last night , when Tig decided to stay downstairs and sleep on my bathrobe , giving Gracie about half an hour alone with me . And they were both in bed with me when I woke up this morning . But it 's been a hiss - a - thon day . And I 'm damned tired of it . Someone explain to me again : Why is that two cats are better than one ? They 're supposed to befriend and play with each other and leave you alone ? Yeah , right . Not when Gracie wants desperately to be an only cat . permalink Anyway . The chair immediately to my right is , during most of the day , the chair in which Gracie comes to say hello , be petted , and often pretend to sleep while I 'm working . I 've recently allowed Tig to jump on the chair , because , well , he 's a pain in the ass and it 's stopped him from being as much of a pain in the ass . He 'll jump up for a scritch under the chin , get one , and then take complete and utter advantage of his position in the chair to break the rules and try to either get on the table , or play with objects on the table . A case in point : Here 's Tig after I 've finished writing the post , accepting my thanks for the inspiration . ( That 's only the partial look . I 'll capture the full look another time , I 'm sure . ) That 's my Tig . When he 's not doing that , he 's climbing something he 's not supposed to be climbing , or shredding something he 's not supposed to be shredding , or beating up Gracie all to get my attention . hen again , he is one gorgeous , affectionate , playful kitty . hich is why he hasn 't yet been killed . ermalink TOP |
This blog is dedicated to the dog that helped me become the person and mother that I am today . He was a best friend , a confidante , and at times the glue that held us together when I thought for sure that we were falling apart . Magnum was with us in life until December 14th , 2010 . I was alone . It was me , and my boys , against the world . I pretended like I was empowered , like I could handle anything that came my way . But I really couldn 't . Thankfully , my neighbors were able to keep my secret . Christy and Rob , who lived behind me , were a godsend . If something broke , I called Rob . If I felt like I was on the edge of a breakdown , I called Christy . To this day , they are more than my best friends , they are my family . Rob has fixed broken drawers , moved heavy furniture , and saved me from scary situations . . . . like a mouse in the house . I hate mice . Mice are evil , demented , and disgusting . Yes , I am an animal lover . And yes , I know that they are harmless . But I still can 't stand them . So when I spotted that small , furry , devil animal run across my bedroom floor as I was getting ready for bed one night I screamed bloody murder . It was a reflex . The scream came out of me , and I couldn 't control it . ( Kind of like when the doctor hits your knee with that hammer tool . . . pure reflex ) Soon the entire house was alive and LOUD . Joe ( at about age 5 , he was no longer JR , he insisted on being called Joe ) and Shane both woke up . Shane started screaming because I was screaming , Joe was running in circles crying because he had no idea why I was jumping on the bed crying . . . . yes . . . . crying . And Magnum just barked at me . I pulled the boys up on the bed with me and called Rob and Christy . . . . I could hardly talk , but eventually they understood what was happening . Christy calmed me down , and sent Rob over to my house . When he walked through the door he saw the boys and me crying on my bed , and Magnum going crazy , jumping up and down barking . He did a quick inspection , and noticed that I had a gap next to the pipes under my master bedroom sink . That was how the devil mouse got in . " We need to put foam in that space , but we have to do it tomorrow . . . . . everything is closed right now . Are you going to be okay ? " " We will have to get a mouse trap or D - con . Will you be okay for tonight ? If you get those tomorrow , I can set them for you . But you will have to live with it for tonight . " I just stared at him . Is he kidding me ? That mouse might crawl up my bed . He might bite me or the boys in the middle of the night and then we will have rabies . Then what ? FINE . Fine . Yes I can do this . But I am not happy about it . After Rob left , I shook out the sheets on my tiptoes . . . because for some reason I felt safer without my feet flat on the floor . No mice in the bed . Good . Joe and Shane got into my bed , and before I got into bed I made sure that the sheets were not touching the floor . . . . . just in case the mouse thought it would fun to climb up the sheets and attack us while we were sleeping . Needless to say , I don 't think I slept that night . Every sound , every movement , I pictured the mouse with his giant fangs trying to attack my dog in order to get to us . When Magnum moved , I waited in anticipation , hoping he would turn into a mouse hunter and save us . Never happened . Magnum snored loudly that night , as I watched the clock , waiting for it to be a good time to wake up the boys so we could go to the store to arm ourselves with every and any kind of of mouse killing apparatus . . . . and the foam to fill in the gaps around the bathroom plumbing . Finally , that time came . I didn 't even shower . ( After all the bathroom was infested by rodents ) We got into the car and went to the store . I bought mouse traps , rat / rodent poison , and foam . When we got home , I left the boys in the car while I gingerly tiptoed inside to get the phone . I brought the phone outside and called Rob . He looked at me , smiling . " This is just a bad area for mice , with the wetlands and all . But let me show you something . . . they aren 't really mice , though . They are shrews . " I didn 't live in a stick built home . I live in a glorified double - wide trailer . There is just open space between my floorboards and the ground underneath . I stared at the dozens of holes going between the ground and the siding . . . . you have got to be kidding me . This was a rodent metropolis . I was dizzy and disgusted . " Thanks for letting me know , " I stammered . I quickly got a couple boxes of the rat / rodent poison out of the car . . . I bought ten boxes , just in case . Thank god I did ! While the boys played in the driveway with Magnum , I went to work . I think I put down three boxes of the poison along the side of the house . I filled up all of the holes . This was my house ! I am taking it back ! By that time , Rob came over . He set my traps , filled the gaps with foam , and put poison under the bathroom sink for extra measure . Magnum , Shane , Joe and I decided to spend the day outside . I set up the tee ball in the back , and I got the kiddy pool out . Rob and Christy came over while the boys were playing in the pool . As we sat in lawn chairs and laughed about the night before , we saw Magnum pounce on something . It was a shrew ! For those that don 't know the difference between mice and shrews , shrews are an uglier , even more evil version of a mouse . He caught it ! Disgusting and nasty , but I have to say I was so proud . Christy and Rob burst out laughing , I screamed . . . just a little that time . Magnum proceeded to catch it , in his mouth , let it go . . . then when it tried to run off , he caught it again . Magnum thought it was a toy ! This game of dog and mouse went on for at least 10 minutes . We were laughing so hard , even the boys came over to see what this crazy dog was doing . Then , suddenly , the shrew just stopped moving . He probably died of a massive heart attack , because this giant dog wouldn 't leave him alone . Then Magnum laid down with his snout next to the shrew , trying to nudge it back to life . Finally , when he realized it wasn 't going to " play " with him anymore , he lifted his head and looked at us with his big , droopy , sad eyes . Finally , late that afternoon , Rob checked the traps inside the house . There it was , the lone mouse who attacked us so viciously ( in my mind ) the night before . I was a little sad as Rob walked back to his house with the trap , I almost felt guilty . It really was just a tiny little mouse . But I was so relieved to have my house back ! It was bound to happen . Matt and I were like oil and water , and the longer we were together the worse it was becoming . The fighting was constant , and had become worse after I left my job at the resort . In August of 2001 , we separated . The separation was my idea , and I will not deny that . I had many reasons , including the total disrespect that Matt had for me . He just wasn 't a nice guy if he wasn 't getting his way , or if things were not going the way he had planned . It was a late night , about a month after Matt moved out , when I heard someone pull into the drive way . I was sitting on the couch with Magnum next to me . Magnum immediately went to the door and barked once . Then there was a knock on the door . I unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door slightly , at 5 ' 2 " I was too short to see out of the peephole . It was Matt . We were really trying to get along at this point in the separation , so I had no problem allowing him into the house . Once I did , and he started talking , I realized I made a huge mistake . He was drunk . And under the influence of Bacardi , his verbal abuse had occasionally become physical . " I need to see the boys , " he said . " You know this is all your fault . You are keeping me away from them on purpose ! " His voice had gotten loud , and I knew he was going to get out of hand . I didn 't want to risk the boys waking up to the sound of us fighting again . " No I am not , and you need to leave . You can see them tomorrow . " I put my hand on his arm to try to push him toward the door . I don 't really remember how the next part played out . I just remember that he was yelling at me as I was trying to get him out of the front door . I never saw it coming . With a closed fist he hit me across the right side of my face . Magnum barked as I looked up at him in surprise . All of the pushing and shoving and grabbing that had happened before , he never hit my face . And as I looked up at him , I never saw his raise his other fist . The pain was so intense , and somehow I was on the floor . Out of nowhere , Magnum was suddenly standing over me . The growls that were coming out of him were nothing I had ever heard before . Matt reached down toward me , possibly to help me off of the floor . . . . but as his hand went down toward my crumpled body , Magnum latched on to his forearm with his teeth . He kept shaking his head with Matt 's arm in his mouth , an action I had only seen on police dog documentaries . He tore through the fabric of Matt 's shirt , and I really don 't know how bad the bite tore his skin . Matt finally broke free from Magnum 's grip and ran out of the house . I just laid there , crying . Magnum laid down next to me and licked the tears coming from my eyes . I couldn 't believe what just happened . I heard Matt 's truck leave my driveway , and I know I should have called the police , but I just couldn 't move . I don 't know how long I was on the floor . . . but Magnum never left my side . Magnum was the kindest , gentlest dog I had ever known . Prior to that night , I always questioned what would happen if we really needed him to protect us . I had visions of him running up to an intruder , wagging his tail and expecting a treat . After that night , though , I knew he would protect me and the boys with his own life . I felt comfort in that . And there was never any more incidents between Matt and myself after that night . Suddenly the " dumb ass dog " ( as Matt used to call him ) had the upper hand . That night gave me strength as well . I no longer felt alone . There were many days before that night that I wondered if I was making the right decision . . . . wondered if I was ready for the struggle as a single mom . Magnum gave me strength that night . And I knew that he wouldn 't let anything happen to me . Magnum was my dog . My protector . When Shane was about a year old , I left my wonderful job at the Grand Traverse Resort . I didn 't really want to leave , but I also didn 't feel like I had a choice . My hours would often stretch to 60 or more per week , and the boys were in day care for much of that . Matt was working nights as a bartender , and that helped with the child care situation . But there came a day when Matt wanted to go back to his chosen profession . Matt was a chef by trade , and a very VERY talented one . But the problem was , with every executive chef position Matt held in our married life , it never lasted more than 6 months . So when Matt told me he was interviewing for an executive chef position at a golf course over an hour away , I was apprehensive . Then when he got the position , I was panicked . With the hours that he was working , plus the drive time , plus the hours I had to work . . . the kids would spend all of their time in daycare . So after much discussion , I decided to quit my job . I would have preferred not to , because I was making very good money and had great benefits . But I also felt that it was time for Matt to step up to the plate , and try to support us . I was hoping this time , it would last . So I quit my job . I did start a home business making jewelry and selling at art fairs , but for those first few months after leaving the resort , I just enjoyed the boys . It was summer in northern Michigan , we spent a lot of time at the beach or at the neighborhood pool . We also spent a lot of time playing outside in the back yard . There were several kids in the neighborhood now . Heather lived behind me , Jill was next door , and Heathers step brother Robert had just moved in to live with his dad . Our corner of the neighborhood had become very close knit . We are constantly getting together for anything and everything . And all of the older kids loved to come to my house because of the boys and because of Magnum . Heather and Jill would come over just to play with the boys or play ball with Magnum in the back yard . I had bought a tee ball set for JR that summer . He was five years old , and thought it was great fun ! He would hit the ball and Magnum would bring it back for him . They would play like that for hours . Well , after a few weeks , this game between a boy and his dog attracted the attention of the older kids in the neighborhood . Tee - ball became a nightly ritual . And it was all the kids versus Magnum . The rules were simple . Magnum was always the infield . The kids took turns hitting the ball and running bases . If they hit the ball , and Magnum brought it back to the tee before they ran around the bases , then they were out . If they circled the bases before Magnum brought it back , then they scored . The kids would play this for hours , and rarely score . . . . even if they hit it in the woods next to the house . Magnum always found the ball and brought it back ! Eventually the game became so popular that some of the neighbors would bring lawn chairs over just to watch . We would sit and watch , have a couple beers , and enjoy the summer evenings . Magnum loved the attention , and we loved to see him get it ! Nor was I the object of my baby 's attention . No , Shane was not an ordinary baby . Shane loved me . But he loved me second . The object of my baby 's attention , affection . . . my baby 's security blanket . . . was not me . Nor was it my husband , or my older son . Nope . Shane 's little baby world revolved around one thing . Magnum . From the moment Magnum first saw Shane , the feeling was mutual . I have never seen a bond between a baby and a dog , like theirs . Magnum was never more than a few feet from Shane . He slept when Shane slept and sat vigil when Shane was awake . And if Magnum dared to wander away from Shane while he was napping , Shane was wake up with a jolt and a scream . It was like they were connected on so many more levels than the average boy and his dog . As the months rolled on , and Shane started talking his baby talk more , I anxiously awaited the first " real " words . He spent hours conversing with Magnum with his baby words , and Magnum listened patiently . Shane would press his sticky fingers into Magnums eyes and nostrils , and the poor dog never flinched . They were a pair obsessed with each other , so I shouldn 't have been surprised the day that I heard those first words . And Magnum answered to it . The pure joy in that labradors eyes when he heard " dawgdawg " that first time , was priceless . His puppy could talk ! I really couldn 't tell you when Shane finally said " mama " . It didn 't really matter . His first word was dog . Or more precisely " dawgdawg " And not too much later , when I would hear Shane call his dog , it usually meant mischief . One day , while toddling around in the kitchen , Shane spied something on the kitchen counter that he wanted . I don 't remember exactly what it was , but I remember pushing it a little further back on the counter to stay out of his reach . He gave me this look that seemed to challenge me . He wanted it , and he would get it . " DAWGDAWG ! ! " , he yelled . Of course Magnum wasn 't too far away , and reached Shane immediately . Shane pointed to the floor . . . and Magnum layed down , right in front of the counter . With a grin , Shane climbed up on Magnums back , tiny toes dug into his warm brown fur . And what do you know ? That object was no problem for the toddler now ! Labradors love water , and Magnum was no exception . In fact , water was the reason for his existence . He could chase a ball or a stick for hours in the water . At one time , he spotted Matt across Arbutus Lake in his little fishing boat , and swam right out to the boat , and proceeded to follow it until Matt brought him back to shore . I was laughing so hard , seeing Matt 's agitated expression . " Can you keep YOUR dog on a leash please ? How the hell am I going to catch anything with him following me like that ? " About a month after Shane was born , we decided to go on a family outing . It was a warm day in the middle of May . I packed some snacks for JR and a couple bottles for Shane . We decided to take a drive up the peninsula because we thought the cherry trees would be blossoming . We arrived at Haserot Beach a mere 40 minutes later . I pulled the kids out of the car , while Matt let Magnum out of the back of the pickup . Today we were planning on letting Magnum have a good spring swim , so we were extra prepared with some tennis balls and a tennis racket . Magnum dashed right into the water and the turned to face us with an expression on his face that said " Come on guys , let one rip ! " So that is exactly what Matt did . Matt sent those tennis balls out over and over , while JR played in the sand , and I just watched holding my new baby . Magnum was having a blast . He was relentless energy , and absolutely amazing to watch . We were laughing as Matt hit one last tennis ball , maybe a little harder than the ones before . This tennis ball went further out and hit a buoy . I remember distinctly watching as the ball hit the buoy and bounced to the right of it . Magnum swam straight out , and instead of going for the ball he grabbed the buoy . He wanted to bring the buoy in ! At first it was funny , and kind of cute . But Magnum wouldn 't give up , and you could start to hear his labored breathing on the beach . I started to panic , and debated swimming out to him . " It 's too cold , Les , you just can 't go out there " , Matt told me . The minutes ticked by like hours , and I had to hand Shane to Matt because I was starting to cry . JR was already crying on the beach , obviously sensing my emotions . Suddenly a man ran up to us , and said that he was going to get his canoe . Where did he come from ? I think I was nodding as I saw him run to a house that was next to the public beach . I kept screaming for Magnum to come back . " Please Magnum . . . . come on ! Come ! MAGNUM ! " It must have been about 15 minutes that he struggled with the buoy . And I could tell he was actually moving it ever so slightly . But somehow my last frantic cry for him got his attention . He looked at me ! Then he started to swim towards the shore . I was so relieved ! He swam halfway back , and then circled back toward the buoy . Oh thank god , he turned back around and headed towards the shore . When he finally reached me he collapsed . The poor thing , he was shaking so bad ! I ran to the truck and grabbed a couple towels and then ran back to my dog to try to dry him off as much as possible . He was shivering and cold , but he was alive ! JR and I hugged him so hard . " Let 's warm up the truck " , I said to Matt . " He 's riding in the back . I don 't want the inside of the truck to smell like wet dog . " I just stared at Matt . He said that so matter of fact , so heartless . But he said it in a way , that I knew no matter how much I would argue , I would never win . " Fine , then lets get home quickly . " We did get home quickly , I will give Matt credit for that . I got Magnum and the kids in the house , and made sure everyone was warm enough . In fact when Matt left for work that night , I destinctly remember JR , Magnum , and me cuddled together on the couch under blankets . He was still a pretty wet dog at that point , but all I cared about was that he was a warm wet dog . Toward the end of the summer of 2009 I found out I was pregnant . I wasn 't really sure how I felt about it , because the situation between my husband and I was tenuous at best . Maybe this baby will make things better ? I was 26 years old , and still unsure of my place in life . And in hindsight , that was a very dumb place to be . I was 26 years old , with an excellent job ( now at the Grand Traverse Resort ) , I owned my own home , and had one awesome child already . But I was full of insecurity , because I chose to listen to my husband more than I would listen to myself . He was a 36 year old man , with a part time job , who bragged about how he married someone younger so he could retire early and I could support him . My pregnancy was not easy . I was sick , I was huge , and I was miserable . Matt was a bartender and worked late nights , and I spent many of those crying into Magnums fur wondering how I got myself into all of this . In February of 2000 , about two month before I was due , I went into early labor and was put on bed rest . I was supposed to have help at home , but Matt found more and more excuses to be away . My bed rest consisted of trying to contain a three year old boy and young dog . . . . all while staying in bed ? Thankfully at the time , some new neighbors moved in . Heather , a 10 year old girl , and her parents moved in behind me . Heather wandered over one day , and met Joe and Magnum . Thank god for her ! She walked Magnum for me after school , and she would play with Joe . I couldn 't really leave to meet her parents , but I thanked god everyday that she found us . Finally , after two months of early labor , Shane Alexander was born eight days late on April 9 , 2000 . I tried to do all the right things to introduce the new baby to the dog . The first day , I sent Matt home with the baby hat the the nurse put on Shane when he was born so Magnum could get used to the smell . When we brought him home , Magnum was intensely curious , but never once jumped or tried to lick him . I sat in bed nursing him , and Magnum just stared at me from the foot of the bed , sizing him up it seemed . Then when Shane fell asleep in my arms , I got up and set him down in the bassinette next to my bed . I gave Magnum a quick pat on the head and said , " This is your baby , too . " Matt and his mom were in the kitchen making dinner , so I went to the kitchen table and sat down . We chatted for awhile , and then I realized Magnum was nowhere to be found . Magnum was anywhere if there was food . I got worried and jumped up and quickly walked back into the bedroom . There was Magnum . . . his head rested against the side of the bassinette , watching Shane sleeping . He glanced at me when I walked in , as if to say , " I got this " He agreed with me . This was his baby . This was his job . He never left Shanes side after that . |
I don 't know what has been going on with me for the past 2 - 3 weeks but … I feel like I am backtracking with my social skills . I am so awkward and shy , not that this differs from how I have always been … I know that I am a sky and reserved person . I have come to terms with that fact about myself . I used to think it was due to my low self esteem , but I have learned that it truly is who I am . I remember my mom always telling me that I used to be a really quiet baby . I never cried for attention or talked much . I always kept to myself . Through my time in college , I have learned that not many people share this characteristic . In fact , it is super rare for people to be like this . Most people are social and know how to interact with people regularly . People are somewhat talkative . It 's in our nature . We 're social animals . Take , for instance , yesterday . I took part in this photoshoot for people of color at my school . I had learned about it 5 minutes before , and I happened to be in the same building , so I thought , " Sure , I 'll stop by . " But this was the first time that I had actually done a photo shoot with people in the black community . I didn 't expect there to be a difference . Heck , I didn 't even realize the difference until today . But there was one , a very big one . I came in , and I immediately felt judged for whatever reason . Everyone would see who came in , look them up and down , and continue with their activity . I found that a bit odd , but whatever . So I had not really thought about a pose to do , but I thought it would just be super casual . I do some smiling shots and laughing shots and be done . Nope . First , I asked for the opinion of the photographer if the color looked okay ( we were able to choose are background color , and I had chosen yellow . I went with yellow because I 'm always a happy , smiley person ) . I didn 't want it to look like I was doing 5th grade school pictures or something . She looked at me and then looked at the color , and she said , " Uhh yea , it 's whatever you want . " Then another person came and asked if something was wrong , and she told them , " She wants to make sure the color matched with her outfit . " So we are doing the shoot , and I am smiling casually , laughing casually , and I thought it was going well . But every time she snapped a photo , she would say , " Okay , think of something happy and cheerful . " And while I 'm trying to think of something , she would snap the photo . She was going so fast , and I just wasn 't ready . To be honest , I wasn 't ready to begin with . I was pushed to go next because the other girl was helping her friend out with something . So that left no time for me to even think . Anyways , I am trying to , and while I am thinking about it , she 's snapping pictures . She 'd look at them and say , " Okay , do you want me to put you into poses ? " I was just thinking , " What ? " I thought this was super casual . So I am trying to stay happy and stay cheerful . I 'm laughing into the camera , looking away , looking at her , talking with people off the camera … And then she says , " Okay , can someone make her laugh or something ? " And now all eyes are on me , and I 'm just standing there awkwardly . I didn 't know what to say or how to react . I didn 't know what she wanted , and now I felt embarrassed . Now I just wanted to leave . So people are coming and talking to me and trying to make me laugh , but I am just smiling and laughing , same as I was before , because that is just who I am naturally . But apparently it just wasn 't good enough or something . She would look at me and say , " Uhm … just … do whatever you want to do . Be yourself . " Then , she proceeded to tell me certain poses to do . She told me to act like I was yawning or stretching , and I thought that felt super weird . She told me to take off my jean jacket , which I thought looked better on , especially since now I had pit stains from all the nervousness . When I came in to do the photo shoot , I thought that the photo was to capture the real me . All of me . Awkward , laughing , shy , smiling me . That 's why I chose yellow . I wanted to portray that . So I switch to someone else , who was super chill . She was actually a good friend of mine , and I knew she was good with cameras . She made me feel at ease again . I felt like I could be myself with her , and it was nice . She let me do whatever - just smile , talk with people , laugh around … the same things as what I had been doing with the prior photographer . She said I was super photogenic and that she loved the pictures she took . It 's funny though , because when the first photographer was photographing another girl , the other girl was only doing one pose , and it was fine . She was saying , " nice , great ! " , but all she did was stand still and look off into the distance . Why did she want more from me ? Okay first off , there was this lady sitting right in front of me who would not just sit stiff . AND she overreacted to everything that happened in the movie . She found every single thing funny , and when things were actually funny , she wouldn 't laugh . She danced to every single song and … it was just alot . I was so distracted by her . Even a girl behind me commented on the fact that not everything in the movie was funny … I loved that it was based on a true story , the idea that these women are finally being recognized for all the work they did for NASA ( Katherine Johnson , Dorothy Vaughan , and Mary Jackson ) . It 's crazy just how much we go through history knowing some of the big - shot names , the huge supervisors of it all , yet the people working behind the magic are not recognized . For example , Rosalind Franklin is hardly ever mentioned in biology textbooks ( though , I believe people are working to change that ) because she was a woman just working in a lab . But her x - ray picture of DNA helped to ultimately find its true structure . But is she the one credited for it ? Nope . Watson and Crick , the people who stole the x - ray picture off of her desk , were the ones who ended up getting the Nobel Prizes for the discovery . In that time , women were not allowed to receive Nobel Peace Prizes . Unfortunately , Franklin was not recognized until after she had died . I did not even know about her until 9th grade of high school . All that time , I was told " Watson and Crick " , " Watson and Crick discovered DNA ! " " Watson and Crick found the helical structure ! " These women did some incredible things for NASA . Without Katherine Johnson 's phenomenal mathematical skills , NASA would not have been able to put the first American man into space . Without Dorothy Vaughan , women probably would not fight for the right to demand a higher job title and higher status . Without Mary Jackson , colored women would probably not think it possible to become an aeronautical engineer , or an engineer at that . These women changed America 's ( and the world 's ) idea of the STEM field . America used to look through a black - and - white lens , but these women put color into it . Over the past few weeks , I really thought about the idea of being a physics major . After taking physics last semester and being in my second semester , I realized just how much I love the science . It 's the only class that I actually have opened the textbook and actually enjoyed reading it . That has NEVER happened for me in a STEM class . I remember how back in high school , I was actually really good at physics . I was one of the few people in my class ( only 3 of us ) who passed the AP Physics exam . Last week , I was walking down the physics hallway , and they showed a picture of their graduates . Their classes are TINY . Their graduating class is about 25 students ( compared to my bio graduating class of over , and , to no surprise , they were all white males . I was a little surprised at how small the department was , because the professors all seem like geniuses in the field , and they are all super enthusiastic about it . I would think that there would be more . NOPE . I have also always been fascinated by the idea of an engineer , the idea of space , the idea of being able to take someone and send them out of the earth . I thought ( and still think ) aeronautical engineers are the coolest people on the planet . I remember going to the Aerospace museum in DC over Thanksgiving break 2015 and I was like a fat kid in a candy store . Now , no one really knows this , but Amelia Earhart is one of my favorite people in world history . I don 't know what it was , but her disappearance was the most fascinating thing to me . How did she just disappear and no one know where she was ? When I was young , I used to come up with alternative ideas as to what may have happened to her . I thought that maybe she decided to reside at a nearby island . First off , I would be highly under - estimated , like the women in the movie . None of the men thought that these women were worth much . They al prejudged their intelligence only to realize just how important and needed they are in the field . Dr . Hadiyah - Nicole Green , a black female physicist who is breaking boundaries all over the place in STEM research , is my role model right now ( besides Chimamanda Ngozi - Adichie , of course ) , and she has me thinking , " Why don 't I just change my major ? " she was the 76th black female in the US to get a PhD in Physics . I thought that was crazy . Where are the women ? Why are the numbers so small ? I am so excited . The dean had emailed me today about the results of my petition , and she said that it went through and that I should be able to . I am so excited right now ! I was worried because my GPA did not really hit their minimum . I was super sad because studying abroad has been a longtime dream for me . Heck , it was the first information session I went as a freshman . I was super pumped , but I had gotten discouraged when the woman said that if you were premed , you would be in the worst situation . But I am just so excited for it that none of this really matters for me currently . I just want to go and travel ! I love to travel , so yes , I want to go ! Now all I have to do is finish the college application . Hopefully they let me in . I am so motivated . I hardly got any sleep last week ( which is probably why I woke up so late for classes today . I should not have gotten out Saturday night . . though it was a great time ! Okay , I digress ) . I was working on everything studying abroad , which is why I am so happy that everything went through ! I would have actually cried if everything did not go as planned . Today , I wake up to sunlight shining in my room . I had a dream about … something . I 've forgotten . But I wake up form that dream , and it was as if I knew something had happened . I jump out of my bed and am yelling to the skies while I try and put on clothes while doing my hair . I was in such a panic . I have never … EVER woken up so late for classes before . Not even when I was in high school . Not even middle school . Heck , not even elementary school ! I had missed my physics class ( which is the most important one for the day ) and my sociology class ( and that was my third class in a row that I am missing ) . I also missed half of Latin , the class that I had stayed up all night studying and preparing for . So of course I was not going to miss that one . I threw on clothes , tried to look decent , and I ran out of the door . I had texted my friend that I had just woke up , and she said , " Lol . " No , no " lol . " This wasn 't funny for me . I had missed most of my classes . My mom is not paying for me to go to this school just to miss my classes . I mean yea I had stayed up super late last night ( and I should not have . I should have went to bed by 2am , but I guess peer pressure ) . I didn 't really go to sleep until about 5am . But I 've done that before in the past , and I still managed to wake up for classes . So long story short , my roommate moved out over February break . We had gotten into a huge fight , and she decided to leave . Thank God ! I was actually looking for housing when she came in , argued , then left . It was just great ! So now I have this whole room to myself , which is super nice . I turned her bed into something like a long lounge chair where I can sit and work , and it has served me very well . I covered it with my gray blanked and put my red armchair there as well . It 's perfect . I have had about 5 roommates up to now ( counting the summers ) , and I am so used to having someone in the room that it feels weird when I don 't . And many of my friends are doing their own thing now , with their own friend groups . So I literally am just in my room studying or wasting time . It gets lonely , but sometimes I really do need the time to myself . But one thing I hadn 't realized is that in the past , I would wake up to my roommates waking up . As a result , I would never sleep in so late . Even when I was late , I wasn 't extremely late . Today , I realized that I did not have anyone to come and check on if I was awake or not . Friends in physics didn 't even text asking me where I was . And I didn 't have anyone in sociology checking on me , even if I shared that class with people . Because what if I were to just leave ? Would anyone notice ? Would anyone check where I went ? What if I got kidnapped ? Would life just go on ? And it seems like all the friends I did make are kind of keeping their distance now , and it makes me sad . I 'm sure it was because of the past relationship I was in . It didn 't end well and , well , it somewhat divided the friend group . And many of them went to the other side . I ran to Latin , and thank God it was a calm day . I was kind of upset that he didn 't even go over the passages that I had stayed up translating last night , but whatever . Atleast I had made it to ONE of my classes today . The last time I was in Latin class , I did not do so well . As I said in my last long blog post , I was picked on by the substitute teacher and couldn 't say a single thing . So this time around , in fear of the substitute teacher giving my name to the teacher , I made sure to scan and translate all the lines . So today , I just had the feeling that he would pick on me at some point . I actually thought I would be the first one picked because I thought that the substitute had talked about me . He didn 't mention anything about last class , so I guess not . So there came about 5 minutes before the end of class . He wanted to finish one more poem . I looked at it and felt like I knew most of what it was saying , but I had forgotten words ( the sleep deprivation is actually real . My short - term memory is getting worse ) . He looks at the page , and … call it a gut feeling or God Himself , but I had the strong feeling that he was about to choose me . I was trying to hit every elision in the poem because it always bothered me when I heard other people miss it . It came to the last line of the poem and there were 3 elisions one after the other . I promise you , I read over that line atleast 3 times because it was so hard . Once I was finally done , the class kind of chuckled , but I chuckled along with them and so did the professor . It was more on the laughter at how hard I had tried with that last elision . Atleast I got it in the end . The professor was smiling , so that was always good . So I started to translate , and that 's kind of where I stumbled . I had translated the poem earlier , but I had forgotten some key words . So there were pauses and times where I had to ask him for help . I would say about two times to be exact . I am going to say that nerves probably got to me . Not only am I sleep - deprived and my short term memory is taking a toll , but nervousness definitely does not help . I was trying with all my might to remember what was being said in the poem , but it wasn 't working . Next week is the test , and I am a little nervous . I will probably need to translate and scan all the poems that we have done over this weekend . No partying for me I was planning on going to this Caribbean night thing tonight , but I have too much on my mind right now . I know that I should probably go to my Latin teacher 's office hours next week just to ask him how many hours a day does he believe we should study for Latin . He has already said the best way to get better at Latin , but it kind of sounded like he wanted us to be experts . I 'm going to have to ask him to about a more realistic approach because … I ain 't a Classics major . Something in my gut told me to miss my Latin class today . I don 't know what it was . Maybe it was the fact that it was 2am on the last day of break and I had not even touched my Latin stuff . I found out that I had to translate about 7 poems , but I had no idea how that was going to happen . I took little 90 minute - naps ( because I read somewhere that it takes 90 minutes to finish a REM cycle ) , and somehow that kind of worked . I would wake up not feeling groggy and I felt like I could work . But then I would just go back to sleep after a little bit . By 6 : 30am , I decided to wake up and finish the poems . It was around this time that I felt the need to just email my professor saying that I would be sick and miss class . I should 've done it , I really should have . But then I thought , " What if this was the one day that he choose a me and I would lose participation points ? " Also , what if I needed to use that sick excuse for another day when I was really dying ? So being the good student I am , I decided to go to class . So after Sociology , I walk over to my Latin class , which is technically in the same building . I sit and go over my notes once I reach the class room . I am a little nervous because there were so many poems to go over , but I knew that I had atleast looked over them . So the rest of the class comes in , and we are all waiting for our teacher when suddenly some one tall old man comes in . He asked with an English accent , " Is this the Latin Catullus class ? " We all nod , and he just comes in and sits down . He says that he is taking over the class for today . I thought to myself , " Wow , I really could have missed this class today . " So he comes in , and he seems nice and everything . But he also seems very straight - forward . No wasting time and no beating around the bush . While he was talking about it , he was talking about how controversial and sexual it was , and he used the word " Racy " . Right when he said that word , he stared at me . I stared right back at him with disbelief . Did that actually happen ? I even smirked a little bit . I looked at the poem and my mind went blank . I knew what the poem was about . I knew it was about this guy having a sexual desire for a girl , but everything in the middle was a little confusing for me . In the poem , I didn 't really catch on to the fact that he was forcing her to stay home for him . Anyways , the point is , once he pointed to me and asked me to answer , my mind drew a huge question mark and I didn 't say anything . All I said was that I knew the main character and that was it . I didn 't want to feel dumb by saying it was sexual , even though it really was . Maybe I really didn 't know this poem as well as I had hoped . What I really hated was the fact that it was as though I had solidified his idea of me . He probably just wanted to test how smart I really was . He wanted to see how much I knew . Once I didn 't say anything , it probably justified his assumptions , which really pissed me off . And the worst part of it was that I felt that my failure allowed others to feel more comfortable when talking . They probably thought that they weren 't as bad as me . He called on people to translate , and he called out a couple people on how bad their readings were , but even that was better than my response ( or the lack of one ) … Also , I know that he will probably say something to my professor because he will definitely remember me . I mean come on , he can just say , " The ' black girl ' in your class did not say anything when she was called upon " and my professor would know exactly who he was talking about . If it were anyone else , he wouldn 't have a name and the professor wouldn 't be able to pinpoint who it was . Ughhhh . I can just tell that my professor will call on me next class . Hell , he might even make me translate everything for that day . Now , I really have to be on my A - game on Friday . The crazy thing is that , all problems aside , I really liked this guy . I liked how he taught the material . It was actually what I had expected to get out of my Latin class when I enrolled . I like how he broke everything down and made me see the poetry in a whole different way . We talked about this other poem about inviting this guy to dinner , but it was so cool how he made us see the invitation inside the poem . I also liked how he stressed that the poem at first glance is different from the hidden message . He MADE us see that hidden message and it was fun discovering it . I also enjoyed how he was open to most interpretations ( I say most because there were some people who he said were just completely wrong ) , though he definitely showed that he had favorites . There is this girl in my Latin class who just does the most all the time . She always has this super intricate evaluation of the situation int he poem that ends up being correct , but no one would have probably guessed unless they studied Catullus for atleast 10 years . She just seemed like such an expert . It was as if she lived and breathed this stuff . And this probably has nothing to do with it , but I found it interesting that she was probably the least melaninated person in the room . As in , if there was a spectrum for the amount of melanin each person has in the room , I would be at on e extreme and she would be at the other . Her skin was so pale and her hair was so blonde . It was as if she had never been under the sun before . So she always had something to say in class , and when she said something today , the guy just really liked it and said that she was spot - on . So he asked for her name , which he never did to anyone else in the class . And after asking for her name , he said that he probably should not have asked for names , and for whatever reason , he looked at me again when he said this . What was that suppose to mean ? That was the second time during the entire class that he made a remark and looked at me while saying it . Even earlier in the class , after I had not answered him , he did not make eye contact with me during the rest of class ( even though I was making very strong eye contact with him . I probably was making his nervous , because he definitely stumbled through his words at the beginning of class . Maybe he was just nervous in general ) , up until he made this remark . I was so surprised , yet not surprised about this guy . This may not have been the first time that I had been in a class where I was the only black person in there , but I felt very out of place in this class specifically . I didn 't talk to anyone in there even on a regular day , even though I shared a class with a few of them the semester before ( maybe it will dent their appearance and their " status " to all other people in the class ) , so I get to class , I don 't say anything , and I am one of the first to leave . I 'm only there to pass the class and get my credit for graduation . I just want to become a doctor ; ( I felt and heard a bubble of silence around me . It was like everytime that someone passed me down this path , no one said anything . Maybe because it was out of pity , maybe it was out of guilt , maybe it was out of sympathy , empathy ? Whatever it was , I felt it . People turned their eyes to the ground . Others looked at me with sad eyes . Some people gave a sad smile as if they had heard that I had lost someone , like I had lost something . I wasn 't a big fan of the silence . It made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin . It was as if looking at my skin color was an automatic indication that I was not with Trump . On the contrary , there were definitely a handful of people my color who sided with him ( only God knows why , but they did ) . Of course , I could not bring myself to support the guy because he conflicted with too many of the values that I held true and dear to me . The night before , my dorm held a viewing party to watch the election . The entire main lounge was full of people . I was coming in and out of the room because I had homework , but it seemed like I couldn 't even focus on it . I didn 't get any studying done , because I was so distracted by it . Every time that I heard yelling or shouting come from the lounge , I would run to see what had happened . I also saw that people were also doing the same thing as me . I just kept popping in and out . I was suppose to be studying for a Biochem quiz for the next morning , but I couldn 't . It didn 't work . And meanwhile , my roommate was asleep during the ENTIRE thing . As in , she went to bed at 6pm and slept throughout the night . She got up at around 11 : 30 just to see results , and then she went straight back to bed . It was as if it didn 't really matter to her . She seemed unbothered by it . I don 't believe she even voted because she never got the absentee ballot in the mail . I saw the main room . They were worried . They looked stressed . I remember when I first came into the room and saw that the votes were 120 - 97 . I was utterly confused . I was wondering who were these people who were voting for him ? How could so many people agree with his policies ? With his ideas , his plots ? I was scared , because I really couldn 't imagine a future with him as president . I , on the other hand , went to the main lounge only to see that the entire room had cleared out . Everyone went home . It was at that moment that I was scared . No one was rejoicing , no one was even watching the elections anymore . Something had gone wrong . This couldn 't be . There was no way . The polls leading up to this day told me otherwise . All news stations were pretty confident that Hillary would have an easy win . There was no way that this man who was the laughing stock of the US , not to mention the world , was about to be president . I sat down on the blue couch on the side with my Biochem study guide in hand . Anderson Cooper and some other guy with a beard and glasses were talking about the election and they were giving us updates . 5 minutes later , I hear a woman on the screen say that there has been some breaking news … It was at that moment that the whole room went silent for a second . Even the news anchors kind of went silent for a slight second . It was shock . It was finality . It was unbelievable . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing , what I was watching . My eyes stared in horror . Some people in the room started crying , shaking their heads . Someone yelled at the screen , " Bullsh * t ! " Other people stormed out of the room . I was still sitting there motionless , my mouth wide open in shock . I cried for all those people who looked to America for hope . I cried for religious freedom . I cried for same - sex marriage . I cried for peace . I cried for safety . I cried for the undocumented . I cried for the children . I cried for families , even my own . I cried for my parents ' efforts for a better future . I cried for my mom who received her first taste of freedom when voting for the first time . I cried for the future generations . Hell , I cried until I forgot what I was crying about . I felt like I had just lost all hope for humanity in that one instance . I couldn 't take it anymore . I couldn 't feel anything . I felt numb for a second . I felt vulnerable . I felt like I had let my entire family down . I felt lonely , hopeless , drained , stressed , tired , sick , angry … That 's why after the results came out , I wanted to see his reaction . I wanted to feel justified in my feelings towards these results . I wanted to know that I wasn 't the only one who felt something . Anything . I believe it was how he kind of stumbled through his words while talking to the other anchors ( who seemed perfectly okay with it , I might add ) . Though he was wearing glasses , he just seemed kind of shocked . His eyes were kind of squinted , as if searching for words or trying to wrap his head around what had just happened . He wasn 't standing still like he usually did . He was swaying , he was talking alot with his hands . It was comforting though to see how my university dealt with the matter . When I say that this thing affected my entire school … I wasn 't kidding . The response was somewhat overwhelming . It was as if we had all lost something in this election and professors were completely understanding . So many people received extensions on papers , postponing of assignments , no deductions on participation if they were absent , it was very heart - warming . And some professors called in sick and said that class was cancelled . It was almost like there was no class that day because my classes were pretty empty as well . In my Biochem class , the entire first row was empty . I had a quiz that morning , but I missed it because I could hardly wake up on time . I was outside of the room along with many others who decided not to take the quiz , and there was a guy talking to his friend , saying how badly the results were . He was cursing and yelling , getting emotional , and it just seemed okay with everyone around him because we all felt that way . We all understood him . When I entered , even my professor was a little shocked to not see me sitting in the front row as I usually do . I had never missed a quiz in his class . He seemed a little sad , and I felt his eyes on me for a second . And then the class started . Obviously it was really quiet . A single tear rolled down my cheek while sitting there . In the middle of lecture . And then another . I had to quickly get myself together because , I mean hellooo , I was sitting in the front row ! And I was the only one in the front row ! I didn 't want anyone commenting on me getting emotional . I didn 't want the pity or anyone looking at me with those sad eyes . I managed to get through that lecture , not retaining a word of what he said , and I went to my physics class . In there , it was also quiet . Many people hadn 't shown up for class . During that class , I knew that Clinton would be talking , so I sat in the back and opened my laptop to watch her speech . Normally , the professor would 've told me to put the laptop away , but I guess today he just knew that no one was in the mood , so he didn 't say anything . I watched the speech , and it was a sad one . Hillary was wearing purple along with her husband . She had walked out , and it was not very evident , but her eyes were somewhat red . But she still looked great . She was smiling and bowing her head at all the claps and cheers given to her . She kept clearing her throat to hold back tears . I really congratulated her on how strong she was . I wouldn 't have been able to do what she did and still does . I skipped my physics lab because I just couldn 't handle it right now . I wasn 't mentally there . My mind kept going back to the election with every situation . So I sat in the biology office and did my physics homework due that day . It should 've only taken me an hour , but it instead took 4 hours . Part of it was that I was with a friend who definitely wanted to talk about the election , so we kept talking about it while working . People would come in and we would talk to them about it . So yea , it just became more of conversation than actual work . There was someone who I had not spoken to since last year . We were not on good terms . She came into the office and I easily went back to physics while she was talking to my friend . So she came in , and I was surprised that she was even talking to someone next to me given that she never wanted to even be in the same vicinity as me . When she left , she said " Bye you guys . " I couldn 't tell if she was talking to me because we hadn 't talked in months and there were other people in the room . So I didn 't say anything , but maybe I should have . She came in again later , but I still couldn 't make eye contact with her . I couldn 't even talk to her . I couldn 't tell if she wanted to . Maybe due to this situation , it made it okay for us to talk , but I just couldn 't bring myself to talk to her . Plus , I was scared that things would just go back to the way they were after all of this kind of calmed down . So I said nothing . I worked on physics , and acted like she wasn 't really there . That night , I had a Nicaragua trip meeting , and even the coordinator said that she had skipped her workday today because she couldn 't handle it . She made us go around the room and kind of say how we were feeling . It felt comforting to know that not one person in the room felt okay , and it was okay . Right after the meeting , there was a debriefing facilitated by a group on campus . Soo many people showed up that they had an overflow room . It was just a time to talk about how we were feeling and initiate dialogue in groups . My group talked about how we weren 't comfortable with the idea of so many people agreeing with many of the things that Trump said . We wondered what went wrong , gave possible explanations , talked about how this affected us directly and why we were bothered by the idea of his as president . We talked about how college campuses tended to be more Democratic and why that was . A guy talked about how most of his family was Trump supporters , and how he felt distant from his family . I talked about how a friend had told me that on the night of the election , when Trump has won , he had heard cheering down his hall . When he went to see what was going on , they yelled at him " Border control ! Border control ! Go back to your home ! " Everyone was shocked that this blatant racism was already starting . We also addressed how we felt a little weary about friends who voted for Trump because it felt like they did not respect them as a person . After the talks ( which were super comforting I might add ) , my vice president talked to us . It was at that moment that I realized that even the people in high power such as him were not okay with this . He knew that there was a problem . If he knew there was a problem , then there were many others who were not okay with this . After that debriefing , there was another debriefing in my dorm lounge . People talked about how they felt , and how they were dealing . Even religion came into it . Many people believed that these were the final days , but they also felt like some religious people were giving up . While some felt like God had deserted them , others felt like God was teaching America a lesson . One thing I really took away was that though the times looked bleak , we needed to stay optimistic and stay encouraged . It is definitely hard right now , but somehow it will get better . This is just the beginning . She talked about how the way she dealt with troubles was by assuming the worst . She said that she knew that things get bad and she knew that Trump would win , though not by as big of a margin as he did . But she accepted the fact that life is bad , the world is evil , and that 's just the way it was . One girl blatantly said that she did not agree with her and that it was not the way we should look at life . Of course , my roommate tried to justify herself many many times , but it wasn 't working , it only made matters worse . It came to a point where someone else had to interject and say that people deal with things differently and that we needed to recognize it . After leaving the room , many people were talking about her , and for a good reason I guess . They were going off saying that this girl needed to nkow when she was wrong , and that it was not okay to feel the way she did . Some didn 't know that I was her roommate , so when I said that , they looked at me with shocked eyes and they said , " I 'm sooo sorry . " I was just like … yea I know . Even my RA was in there and said , " Now y ' all see what I have to deal with " and she even looked at me and was like , " She knows what I 'm talking about . " I laughed , but I knew that she was right , and it felt good knowing that people didn 't think I was just crazy when I talked about just how much I had to go through in the room . And mind you , she was yelling and cursing and going down the halls on the phone , so you could tell that she wanted to be heard by everyone . She even left our room door open . And this was 9 : 30am , when some were still asleep . Well , she came back to the room and … needless to say , someone was not happy about this . On the other side , I could hear a girl yelling in the bathroom to someone in the bathroom with her , saying that " This girl needs to realize when she is wrong and that she needs to calm down . She should know that everything that she was saying was wrong . " I went to go and fill my water bottle to hear a little bit of the convo . The last thing she said was , " You need to tell that girl to check herself . " That 's when I realized that she was talking to my RA who also lived in the same suite as us . I walked into the room , and well it was a little awkward . I mean we already don 't talk , but still … I was confident in the fact that America was smart , that they were accepting , respectful of other cultures , of other people . I was confident that atleast more than half of the population was in favor of peace , of unity . I was confident that Americans would make the right decision and vote not only for themselves , but for this country 's future . I was confident that people would not vote to condone more violence , murder , racism , dehumanization , rape , injustice , As for the emails … no politician is perfect . In fact , a majority of the tactics used in politics involve pulling strings here and there , calling up the people that you know to help you get to high places , and this idea of justifying acts using utilitarianism where things that may be unlawful and unjust are done for the greater benefit and the common good . Every politician has done it , but since she 's in the limelight , of course the media will exploit this to no end . It hurts to feel like my vote did not matter . This was my first time voting ( yes , that may give you a small indication as to where I fall in age ) , and I was excited . No , I was ecstatic . I couldn 't believe that I would be able to do such a thing as an American citizen . This is something that my ancestors could not even imagine me doing . My mom also voted for the first time . She was so happy . She texted me saying that she went to the voting booth and casted her vote in . That same day , I decided that I needed to cast my vote in quickly . 11 , 000 votes for Harambe ? ? That 's equivalent to a medium - sized college all wasting their vote away ! I was horrified , and am still in shock at the fact that people could waste votes on that while there are people in America who still do not even have that right . I also am surprised at the huge discrepancy between poll results and the results given throughout this election by newpapers and articles . Being in such a position to swindle the decisions of voters should not be taken lightly . Thoughout this election , people thought that Hillary would win . Hell , I became soo confident in my thoughts that I almost didn 't vote thinking that my vote wouldn 't matter America tends to hold this strong egocentric idea . When I say ' egocentric ' , I mean the thought of America and only America , the idea of only taking care of their own and no one else . If you ask many Trump supporters why they voted for Trump , they will possibly tell you statements along the lines of , " I want my America back , the way I remember it , " " My life won 't change significantly , but I want the government to be about the people instead of themselves , " " I don 't want another Clinton in the White House . It will give our government a bad rep , " " I don 't want to lose my job to immigrants , " " I want to feel safe , " " I don 't want the US to be in such a huge deficit anymore , " " I don 't like Obamacare . I don 't have to use it , but it was a failure , " " He knows how to make deals that will make America great again , " " I completely hate Trump , but I want conservative laws , " " I want the American dream , and that 's what I 'm getting with Trump " … We have wayy too much power in our hands just to only think about ourselves . The rest of the world is depending on us for almost every aspect of life . We are suppose to be the most - advanced people in the world , yet we are failing at even choosing the right leader . I have two friends studying abroad in France , and when they heard about the elections , they were as shocked as everyone else . The next day , French journalists stopped them and came up to them , asking them about the election : what were their thoughts ? How did they feel about it ? |
By Andrew Sinift The rain falls so softly onto the battlefield ; yet , oh so steadily . It has been raining for days and most likely hasn 't even considered letting up . Every drop falls slowly from the clouds above down to the green earth below . No , it hasn 't rained hard - but it seems to be staying consistent . Day in and day out , morning and evening - the rain continues to fall . Of course , the battle itself is over . There is nothing left to fight for ; the blood has been shed , the victory has been won , the spoils have been shared . The battlefield lies behind for most of us . The other soldiers left to enjoy their victory , leaving the rain to wash away the blood . One can 't be sure , but I doubt a single one of them looked back . That is , of course , with the exception of myself ; the soldier who can never leave this field . I fought so valiantly in the battle , leading my men on the front lines . Early on I took so many wounds that I quickly lost count . But I kept fighting nonetheless . In the end , I was a victor - I was liberated from tyranny . As the rain falls , I find myself sitting on a rock overlooking the field where my kin and I have fought beside each other , watching each other die . I wonder if the end of the fighting has truly come . Surely , some other day will arrive when humanity sees fit to use this field to shed blood again . Surely , the cause will be noble . Surely , the stakes will be great . Even more surely , brothers and close friends will watch in horror as their loved ones are taken from them right before their eyes . Who are the victors ? There are none . Who are the triumphant ? There are none . Who are the great and glorious ? There are none . Who are the defeated ? We all are - every last one of us . So , as I look onto this eternal battlefield , I pray that the end can somehow arrive . I pray that no more blood be shed on this battlefield or any other . I pray that the end of war can come . For the last memory of this battle that I can recall - that I will ever be able to recall - was an act that should not only have ended this battle but all battle 's to come . Probably most strong and wise men will label this man a fool - I label him the Ender of War 's . I doubt this man was a soldier at all ; though , he was very strong . He was probably little more than a farmer whose land just happened to become our battlefield . He was a victim . But when the battle came to his doorstep , he did not find it fit to pick a side and enter into the fray ; no , he stood outside of his home and I can 't be sure , but I believe I saw a tear in his eyes . I saw my captain approach him in the middle of battle and order him to flee or fight . Many men would have run away . Others would have picked up a sword and entered into the confrontation , but this man was braver than most . He simply asked my captain a simple question : " Is all of this worth it ? " Enraged , my captain pulled out his sword and held it to the man 's neck , ordering him to move to his knees . The man complied . My captain began lecturing this poor man about the nobility of our cause - the freedom that our fight would bring , the justice . The man just hung his head and cried before saying : " This is no freedom . There is no justice here . " Finally , the man looked my captain in the eyes and said , " Hate cannot overcome hate . Only love can do that . " The battle was over shortly thereafter and my captain was labeled a hero . My people were liberated . We were victors . As my countrymen , my friends , and my brothers left the battlefield , they chanted : " Freedom ! We are free ! " The desert floor was dusty and dry ; not a lick of moisture hung in the air . The dark clouds settled low yet offered no hope for rain . Lighting flashed in the distance but it certainly wouldn 't crack open the skies to let the water fall on the burnt and parched landscape . Clouds of dust rolled along the countryside creating a light haze completing the darkness . An old highway stretched for miles across the desert from emptiness to emptiness . Few vehicles found themselves traveling across it . Those that did were those leaving nothing only to arrive at nothing . The asphalt was old and worn down to sand - not from travel but from the erosion from the earth . Some highways wear and break down after carrying too much of a load ; others wear and break down from not carrying enough of one . Henry Adams found himself driving a ' 69 Camaro down this highway . The roar of the engine and the tires on the asphalt created little stir in the air - just another lost soul fleeing a lost life . He hadn 't seen another vehicle for almost an hour but he most likely didn 't notice . He was half drunk and held a bottle of whiskey in his right hand along with the steering wheel . Henry was a man just shy of middle - age . His dark , brown hair was long and unkempt . His face needed shaving but he didn 't yet have a full beard . His skin was dripping in sweat from the heat and exhaustion . Tears filled the bottom of Henry 's eyes . He released his foot from the throttle and applying a small amount of break allowed his car to slow to a halt on the bottom of the desert floor . Holding his foot on the break he fell forward in his seat placing his forehead on the top of the wheel . His shoulders began shaking with sobs . The lightning continued to crash throughout the desert . The storm moved steadily - almost methodically . It made its way towards Henry 's halted vehicle . And when it made its way overhead it stilled and waited . An eerie calm filled the air . Gently , Henry lifted himself up . He was back in his apartment - the apartment he had lived in ten years prior . Looking towards his right he saw his roommate Samuel still sleeping . Sweat poured from all the pores over his body . He could feel the dampness of the shirt that lay over his shoulders . Yet , when he looked down , it wasn 't the same shirt he remembered wearing in his car just minutes before . He bolted from his bed and ran towards his desk in the office a room over . He was surprised to see his old computer sitting there . It was his old desktop that ran off of Windows 98 . He cursed silently to himself as he turned the ancient PC on and heard the familiar whir of the desktop computer attempting to start . What was going on ? The dinosaur of a computer finally came to life and Henry looked straight at the bottom right corner of the screen . The date showed dim and pixilated : 2 / 28 / 02 - February 28th 2002 . Henry cursed again , this time more loudly . Leaning back in his chair , he began to think . There was something of importance to this day . It wasn 't just any day . No , this was the day directly following the worst mistake of his life . The tragedy that was his existence had begun only hours earlier . He had broken the heart of Sophia , the only person he had ever truly cared about . The days , weeks , months , and years following that fateful decision had been a spiral of depression mixed with drugs and alcohol . His decisions would eventually lead him out onto that desert road . But was it all a dream ? Henry let his mind fall into a deep state of thought . Perhaps this was nothing more than an incredibly vivid dream caused from making a dreadful decision . Henry chuckled as he saw his old friend half awake with his eyes barely open and his hair sticking out in odd directions . " I 'm fine . " Henry lied with a laugh . His face lay against the steering wheel . His foot had slipped off the break and the car was now idling slowly down the highway and drifting into the other lane . The whiskey bottle had fallen out of his hand and spilled over the floor . Henry cursed out of confusion and sorrow for his spilt alcohol . " Well go take a shower and I 'll make some breakfast . " Samuel said . Like always , Sam had an easy fix . " If you 're not feeling better then we should probably get you to a doctor . " He found himself staring in the mirror . He couldn 't believe his eyes when he saw himself . His face was clean shaven , his hair was short . He was also incredibly younger than the last time he had seen himself in the mirror . " You 're feeling bad about Sophie . " Samuel replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world , " What do you think ? " He asked sarcastically . Henry didn 't look up , didn 't make eye contact . The name and the reality behind those words struck him to the core . " What do you know about it ? " " I guess I just got scared . " Henry replied with surprised simplicity . Unbeknownst to his friend , he had had 10 years to think about it . " With her moving out of state and me stuck here . I just didn 't think we could last the separation . " A dark glare formed over Henry 's face . He remembered this conversation now from all those years ago . He remembered this turn of events that was happening right now . It was like an incredible experience of déjà vu . He had ruined his closest friendship the day after he had ruined the life he had with the woman he loved . " Ah , " Samuel nodded , " I guess I don 't know anything . You 're only my best friend after all . The sad thing is , just yesterday morning you were talking about proposing to her - moving with her even . And then you just couldn 't follow through . " Samuel just shook his head , " I care about you too much to shut up about it . It 's not too late , Henry , you can still go back to her . I mean , she loves you man . " Without even realizing what he was doing Henry bolted out of his chair and into the table knocking it over . He grabbed Samuel by the collar and pulled him out of his seat as he threw him against the wall . He got right in his face and screamed , " There 's no going back , Samuel ! I 've lost her ! It 's all gone ! " Tears welled back up in his eyes , " I 'm too far gone , Sam . " He whispered . " I 'm too far gone , Sophie . " He sobbed Henry glanced up and into his rearview mirror . He saw the highway that lay behind him . His eyes fell lower on the road before him . Chuckling , he thought of an old Robert Frost poem . The road through the desert was a straight shot . The sun was bright and glorious as it reflected off his car painting a beautiful portrait on a dying landscape . Tears continued to flow down his face as he began to see the desert giving way to civilization . He still had miles to drive . " You just passed out , that 's what happened . " Samuel said out of frustration . " Here let me help you up . " He was able to get Henry up and put him in the only chair that hadn 't fallen over in their scuffle . " What 's wrong with you this morning ? " " I don 't know if I 'm here … I don 't know if I 'm … there . " Henry was trying to work it out for himself . " Ah , maybe I 'm just going crazy . " " Moments ago … " Henry tried to start again , " I was ten years in the future driving in the middle of a desert . What 's happening here - now , this morning - it 's an old memory of mine . Its like I 'm living in this memory . " The car was skidding across the road . Henry awoke with a fright and heard screaming as he looked up and saw that he was about to hit another vehicle head on . He tried to react but he there wasn 't enough in time . His Camaro crashed head on with an SUV . Henry awoke with his head on the kitchen table which apparently had been righted . Samuel was walking back into the kitchen with two cups of coffee . " So you 're awake again . " He said as he took a seat next to his friend , sliding a cup towards him . " Look , Henry , I think we need to get you to a doctor . Something obviously isn 't right . " Henry looked at him questionably and then did the same . A cold , wet feeling touched his index finger . He lifted it away to see blood . Cursing , he reached across the table and grabbed a napkin to clean up his bloody nose . Henry chuckled , " I 'll try , brother . " He finished dabbing the blood with the napkin then sat it down . " To my memory , everything that 's happening now happened about ten years ago . The last thing I remember before all of this started was driving into the desert more than halfway drunk . In my memory , you and I aren 't friends anymore . I don 't even live in around here anymore . I threw my life away after what happened last night . " Then , this morning , I woke up and I was right back here . But it wasn 't a dream . I keep … flashing back to my old self … well , my future self . And then I flash right back here . The last thing I remember , I was driving and I crashed because I 'm passing out there just like I am here . I know you probably think that I 'm crazy . " " I already told you I knew that , Henry . " Samuel said with a sympathetic smile . " I can 't say I understand or believe what you 're telling me . But I believe that you believe it . " Henry cursed , " I just don 't see why she has to move so far away . I mean , things were so perfect right now . Why did she have to go ? " " You know why , Henry . " Samuel attempted to console . " That 's where her family is , that 's where she had a job lined up . " Henry swore again , " It 's not that easy , Sam ! " He replied slamming his fist on the table , " What if she stopped loving me ? Then I 'm stuck out there all by myself . " Henry 's own words struck him to the core . He was afraid that Sophie would leave him and he would end up being in a strange land alone . Yet , by throwing her away that was exactly where he ended up . " So don 't blame any of this on her . " Samuel said , still calm but raising his voice . " This isn 't about her going or not going . This is about you being a coward . " Without thinking , Henry 's fist went right into Samuel 's face . " Don 't you call me that again , you … " The light flashed before he could finish . Henry awoke in a hospital bed . He heard the beeps and the whirs of the medical room . He felt the scars on his face . He swore , finishing the sentence he had started . Looking around he saw the entrapment of the hospital room . Sobs began welling back up inside of him . " You can never go back , " he cried . " There 's no going back . " He remembered the feelings of having Sophie in his arms ; remembered running his fingers through her hair and the love he felt for her . But it wasn 't enough - for either of them . " It 's never enough . " He sobbed . He found the strength to lift his head . There , in the doorway , surrounded by the light of the hallway , stood Sophie . She was older than the last time he had seen her - but still beautiful . Her long , dark hair still found a way to shine . Her eyes still weakened Henry 's heart . Her voice still made his soul leap within him . " I wouldn 't have believed it if I hadn 't seen you . " An obvious tear fell down her right cheek . " When I saw them pull you from the car … I … " " Sophie … " Henry started , " The reason that I was driving … the whole reason I was out here … all the way out here . I was going to find you . This … " he searched for words , " Sophie … maybe it 's a sign . " He began becoming excited . " Maybe … we 're meant to be together . " He realized he probably sounded like a raving lunatic but he didn 't care anymore . " Maybe its destiny . " " Oh , Sophie . I 'm so sorry . If I could I would change it . I promise you … if I could . I was a coward , I 'll admit it . I … I 'm sorry . But we can start over . This is destiny , this is fate Sophie . We get our chance to go back ! " Sophie 's voice turned cold , " No , Henry , we can 't . You had your chance but that 's gone now . I have a new life here . So don 't you dare talk to me about going back . I 've put you behind me … And I don 't want to go back . " She finished as she choked the tears down and turned to leave , " But you 're right about one thing . " Turning to say one last thing , " You were a coward . " And those were her final words to him . " Sophie … " Henry whimpered , " Wait , " he pulled himself out of the bed ripping out his IV 's . He began moving towards the door and started to call her name one more time . But then a knife plunged through his heart . Not a literal knife made of metal - no , this knife cut much deeper than that . Henry would have welcomed the metal blade over what his eyes beheld in that moment . Sophie walked into the arms of another man and the two embraced . A young child , no older than five , clung to her leg . The three of them held each other for a moment and then turned down the hallway to leave . One of Sophie 's hands held her husband 's , the other one held her child 's . And there , Henry fell to his knees and wept . " You can 't go back , " he whispered . " You can 't go back . " He was sobbing uncontrollably when the flashing took him again . " Don 't mind me . " Samuel told him as he sat in a chair not far from his friend . " I carried you out here to lie down so that if you fall you can 't hurt yourself . " " Well … that may be how things are where you come from . But back here in the past - which I happen to enjoy calling the present - you still can . " Stillness filled the air . " If what you 're telling me is true … if you 're really flashing back and forth between now and the future … well , then the only way that I can think of fixing it is to make this future of yours to where it never happens . " A new sense of hope overwhelmed Henry . It was kind of hope he hadn 't experienced in a very long time . Perhaps , just maybe , he could change things . He jumped up and ran outside . Barefoot , Henry ran down the street towards the one he loved . The morning sun was bright - brighter than the flashes . A song began to play deep inside Henry 's soul as he reached Sophie 's apartment complex . The run hadn 't taken more than ten minutes . When he got to the door he began knocking loudly . " Sophie ! It 's Henry ! I 'm sorry ! " His cries were filled with both sorrow and joy . " I 'll change it ! I 'll go with you , Sophie ! Just give me another chance ! We can still change things ! " By Andrew Sinift The air was cool for a summer night . A light haze , almost like a fog , rolled into the valley . The air stood almost completely still - yet it almost seemed to have some kind of bite in it - as if it were ready to strike ; the way a viper strikes when it feels threatened . And it was humid - downright uncomfortably humid ; creating a light mist . The full moon was out and the stars were brighter than ever . The night sky shone through the fog and the mist and the cruel air illuminating everything . The heavens and the earth seemed closer than ever . It was as if the earth and stars were reaching out for a comforting embrace in a time of complete sorrow and terror . It was on this night that Jake Shire found himself driving home after a relaxing day at the lake . Jake always liked to take the backwoods roads to get anywhere ; didn 't care for dealing with traffic , even just a little . Give him an old , country road and let them truckers take the highway as he liked to say . And so he found one of his favorite farm roads once he passed a relatively small town called Tulare . It was a rough and unkempt road but it got him to his home in Hanford just fine . At this time of night he wouldn 't have to worry about getting stuck behind a tractor either - that was a common problem on these types of roads in central California . The road had probably never been repaved and thus had been slowly falling into ruin since the day it was first laid down . Pot holes and chunks of loose asphalt paved the way . The spotted , yellow line in the middle of the road was faint and could hardly be seen in the mist . Corn fields lay on one side of the road and dairies were on the other . The stalks of corn weren 't very high as it was still some time until harvest . The agriculture fields like this in the area provided pleasant homes for rats , mice , snakes , and many other creatures . A rat emerged from the field to the right side of the road and slowly and cautiously moved towards the road and the dairy on the other side . It stopped right before it stepped onto the broken pavement . Looking up , it sniffed the cool air attempting to detect a threatening predator of some kind . Even he was fascinated by the night sky that seemed so bright that evening . Fear struck the small creature and he almost darted back into the field from which it came . But it regained its courage and began moving back towards the road . The rat moved slowly across the asphalt . It hadn 't quite make it to the center when Jake 's headlights shone further up the road . The small rodent froze upon this peculiar sight . The lights grew bigger and he could feel something large approaching . The old road seemed to shake underneath its small paws . In the last possible moment , the rat ran forward to the dairy on the other side . The front tires of the approaching vehicle barely missed him . Jake never noticed the small rodent that he had almost killed . He struggled enough to keep his eyes on the old road hoping to see lights from Hanford begin to appear through the mist . The hour was late and he was growing so very tired . He knew he 'd still be tired come Monday but it was days like the one he 'd just had that made life worth living . Days where you could relax and simply exist . But now , the only place Jake wanted to exist was in his nice , warm bed . Home couldn 't have been more than five minutes away . The small town that he had called home for his entire lifetime would be coming into view at any moment . The radio was playing an old country western tune that most people Jake 's age had never heard of by a singer they couldn 't care less about . Most people his age would take pop and rap over good old country music . As he was driving , he felt himself drifting into a sleep , jerking his head up every now and again just to see the next line in the road in front of him . The fact that he was slightly drunk didn 't help matters much . He kept trying to whistle to the tune in order to keep himself awake . He wasn 't worried though . As well as he knew the area , he could probably drive home from here in his sleep if he had to . That 's at least what he was trying to tell himself . His head slowly began to droop down and his eyes were starting to close . Then , he caught himself jerking his head up quickly with a gasp . He quickly noticed a wrecked sports car on the right side of the road that caught his attention . He let his foot off the throttle to take a look . The car had run straight into a power pole and was easily totaled . He turned his attention back in front of him . A woman standing in the middle of the road shined bright in his headlights . Caught off guard , he had just enough time to slam on the brakes and turn the wheel sharply to the left . The rear of his pickup swung to the right , spinning the truck sideways . The sound of tires squealing filled the night air . As the truck skid by , one wouldn 't have been able to stick a piece of tissue between the rear bumper of the pickup and the woman . The truck came to a halt . Jake swore as he tried to gain a sense of what had happened and where he was . He felt as if he were trying to wake up after a nightmare . But this was no dream . The truck had slid off to the shoulder of the road . He hadn 't heard a bump so he was pretty sure he hadn 't made contact with the woman . Looking in his rearview mirror , he vaguely saw the outline of the woman in the moonlight . Jake sighed with frustration as he killed the engine and opened the door of his truck . Trying to hide his frustration , he stepped out and onto the wet pavement . The woman was looking at him as a deer looks into headlights . He noticed that the woman was probably only about twenty years old and she was actually fairly attractive . The bright moon and stars reflected off her golden hair and sparkled in her blue eyes . She was wearing what appeared to be a relatively expensive blue dress and high heels . Jake once again noticed the sports car on the other side of the road ; once beautiful and surely valuable - now wrecked and worthless . It had to have belonged to the woman . At first , giving her a ride home didn 't sound like such a bad idea ; she was , after all , a very attractive , young woman . He chuckled at the thought . But any attraction was instantly lost when she leaned over and vomited all over herself . The stench of alcohol and who knows what else filled the summer night air . Jake took a step back and swore , trying not to throw up himself . He hesitated before stepping back and saying " I don 't think I can do that . " He was trying to sound as if he sincerely cared as he began moving towards his pickup . " Ya 'll better stay out of the road though . " He turned to go back to his truck but then stopped himself . He knew he couldn 't just leave this woman out here - even if she was a pathetic drunk . He turned back towards the woman . " I 'll tell ya what ; I 'll call for someone to pick you up right here . " He pulled out his cell phone and prepared to dial . The woman swore , " Don 't call the cops " She slurred then laughed again . " See " She said pointing back to her once nice car , almost falling over as she did so . " They won 't like that . " She laughed . " I 'm just a little drunk . I don 't know if you noticed . " " Well , I 'm gonna go then . ' Spose ya can do whatcha want . " Jake said putting his phone away and began walking towards his truck . He just wanted to get home . " Don 't leave me here . " She pleaded . She wasn 't laughing any more . Tears were beginning to fill her eyes and cover her cheeks as her desperation shined through . Jake swore again and looked at his shirt and jeans noticing traces of vomit on them . " Git out of here ! " He yelled at her and tried again to step inside his truck . The deadly sound of bone colliding with asphalt filled the night . Time seemed as if to stop as the woman and the pavement met . The sound of her skull slamming into the pavement filled the air and seemed to echo as if it could have been heard miles away . Every sound that had once filled the night seemed to cease . Not even the sound of insects in the fields could be heard . The only sound was the haunting echo of bone and asphalt colliding . As her body rolled over from the force of the impact , the ruby red blood could be seen on the wet pavement where the back of her head had collided with the ground . It seemed to glow in the darkness of the night , making it the only visible thing . Her face , once smiling and giggling , was now cold and dark . Her eyes that once sparkled from the glow of the moon were now as lifeless as those painted on dolls for children to play with . Blood could be seen in her golden hair All signs of life were gone . He didn 't know how to respond to what had just happened . His breath ceased as if he were the one to lose his life in that moment . He couldn 't get past the fact that the blood he witnessed before him was due to the work of his hands . But it was in self defense , he tried to convince himself . He was protecting what was rightfully his . But did that make what had happened right ? The horror of what would follow haunted him . He looked for approaching vehicles - expecting the police to pull up and arrest him for his crime . There was nobody approaching . The question now lay before him , should he admit to what he had done ? Should he call for help and hope he would be seen as innocent ? The reality that there was no way that he would escape the consequences of what had just happened began to sink in . He could never tell another soul what he had done . So he left her . He left her dead body , her blood , and he would attempt to leave any memory he had of her . He would put it behind him , never speak of it again . Never speak of the blood on his hands . And so he climbed into his truck and drove away . It would be as if it had never happened . The smell of liquor filled the room . Broken bottles of glass covered the stained and mildewed floor . Flies consumed a half eaten sandwich lying on the carpet . The apartment was dirty ; it hadn 't been dusted for a year . The smell of rotting food , mold , and alcohol would have made the vilest of vermin uncomfortable . A man sat in his recliner , a half a bottle of whiskey in his hand . He took a drink and looked at the calendar on the wall . A bunch of X 's marked the calendar except for one day , that day . A year had passed since the incident on the road . With each day the realization grew clearer : When that woman had died , he had died with her . Since the events of that dreadful night , he had learned the woman 's name : Kathy Meyers . He had researched all he could about the short life that she had lived , which wasn 't hard to do in a small town . She was twenty - one at the time of her death . Just a few years prior , she had graduated the top of her high school class . She couldn 't afford to go off to college even with scholarships , so she ended up working in a local diner , and later at a bar . No one had been brought to trial for her murder , but for all intents and purposes , the case was closed . There weren 't any leads to a suspect . For the man in the recliner , the past year had been a living hell . He had tortured himself with the thought of turning himself in ; hoping people would understand what had happened , but he couldn 't . He hid the skeleton in his closet and locked it up as if it were his very soul . Which was why he was sitting where he was , in that rotten apartment not fit for vermin , drinking the whiskey like there was no tomorrow . And it didn 't matter , he told himself , because he was already dead . He belched and laughed , much like Kathy had done the night that she had died . He laughed again at the thought as he pulled himself out of his recliner . As he walked into the kitchen , cockroaches scattered for cover . He grabbed his car keys that had been ensnared in a spider web on the counter and walked out the back door into his garage . Before climbing into his truck , he dropped the half bottle of whiskey on the garage floor , smashing the bottle and spilling its contents over the concrete . He just laughed as his bare feet walked over the glass cutting deep into the bottom of his soles . He climbed into the truck leaving blood stains on the floor board and accelerator . He opened the garage door as he turned the key . The engine roared to life . He pulled out and onto the road . His destination : that old country road , the road where Kathy Meyer 's life had tragically ended on that horrible night , one year prior . It was about midnight when the police arrived at the scene . On a road just outside of town a pickup truck had collided with a family sedan . The truck had run a stop sign and t - boned the other vehicle . The driver of the tuck had obviously been drunk . He died in the incident . His body was thrown out the front windshield as he wasn 't wearing a seatbelt . The sedan was found a good distance from the intersection . The hit had been high - speed and severe . The car had contained a family of three : a mom , a dad , and a one - year - old child . They had been returning from a family vacation at the lake . None of them made it through the impact . In the home of the one who drove the pickup , the police found numerous articles about the Meyers murder that had occurred a year prior . One year exactly since the incident . They re - opened the investigation and the evidence led them to believe that Jake Shire had been the culprit . His sin was exposed in all its shame but not until after taking another 3 innocent lives . For consumed him , it did , the sin of his past . And no matter how hard he had tried to run , it had caught up to him and eventually cost him his life , as well as the lives of others . And that skeleton that he had hid so desperately in his closet was now his own . Although many do not remember it , there once was a great and powerful king in a distant land who loved his people as a father loves his children . In the northern regions of this forgotten soil , he created a magnificent kingdom filled with all kinds of living creatures - horses as swift as the wind , birds with voices of angels , deer as gentle as a loving mother . But of all that he crafted , the Creator King loved the humans most for he created them to be in his image . The land that he created was saturated with great and wondrous forests , cool streams , and rich gardens . There was no dead thing in the entire land . Everything was beautiful , green , and alive . Soft hills rolled throughout the countryside . Extravagant and beautiful snowy mountains lay in the south with pleasant grasslands in the north stretching all the way to the sea . When the king saw all that he had made and how his people loved it so , he concluded that it was very good . In the first years of this mighty kingdom , all the people loved the king intensely . The king and his people were always together in community with one another . The king would often hold grand parties in his wondrous citadel in the south , inviting all of his people to be with him . The king identified them as his children and as his friends . The people were affectionate to one another likewise . They loved and cared for their neighbors as much as they loved and cared for themselves . Everyone was equal among them . There were no lords or masters , save the Creator King . Everyone was joyful and the king knew that everything was as it should be . As time moved on , new generations filled the land and started to wonder about and question their way of life . Their thoughts inquired if the king was truly necessary ; seeing him as a pointless authority and believing that they could manage the kingdom just as well without him . They desired to do what they saw right in their own eyes . The king was aggrieved by the thoughts of his people but respected the freedom that he had chosen to give to them . When the new generations requested that he leave , the king obliged and left his home in despair . The people then began to rule themselves and no longer had relationship with the Creator King . Togetherness began to break between the people in the kingdom and their communion turned to discord . The stronger folk turned to taunting the weak . Men started seeing women as inferior and commenced to ruling over them . Over the course of the age , the people cast out those that they characterized as being " Peasants . " Those given this title were exiled to a far - off land in the north . The Royals , as the stronger folk called themselves , claimed that it was for the Peasants own good and protection . They even claimed that it would have been the will of the Creator King that the Peasants no longer resided with Royals . And thus the Peasants and Royals were divided - as it has been such ever since . As the years progressed , much of the land grew to be barren . The people no longer cared for the land that their lord had given to them and let it be laid to waste . The earth that remained ripe and green was kept by the Royals but what was parched and dry was left to the Peasants . The land where the Peasants lived was a wasteland . Much of what the king had created was now desolate and broken - the grass , dead and dry ; the rolling hills , barren ; the landscape , lifeless . It was as if a painter had destroyed a beautiful masterpiece with just a few quick strokes of a brush . What beauty there once was became lost and destroyed . Sharp rocks covered the soil mixed with thorns and thistles . There was hardly any green left in the land and even the few things that still bore shades of it appeared just as lifeless as they would without it . The light green of the sage brush offered little hope or sign of life . If anything , it served only as a reminder of the fruitful gardens of distant lands that would never be seen again by Peasants . A narrow river trickled through the countryside ; its voice being the closest thing to music one could find in the land of Peasants . Many of the Peasants would meander by it , dreaming of where it might go and where it had been . They hoped to believe that the river offered life somewhere else even if it did nothing for their own home . Of course , if it did bring life elsewhere , it would suggest that somehow it had forgotten to bring it to them - but just the thought of life beyond death can strangely warm a heart . The homes of the Peasants were plainly and simply built . Sheds , they were called - nothing more than a few hastily nailed boards thrown together to give the pretense of civilization . Old stables that once housed horses were turned into homes when they were no longer suitable for animals . Flies and other insects flooded the rooms and covered the faces of the children , mixing with dirt and tears . The sorrow of the Peasants could be felt in the air and the people were suffocated by it day by day . The cruelty that humans can afflict on one another - in the name of what is great and good ! For this affliction was done in the name of the Creator King ! The name of what is right and just has been forever tarnished . For this became the reality of Peasants - not lush green gardens , not ever pouring streams ! Rather , the sharp rocks , the thorns , the thistles , and all the dead things among a fallen creation ! O ' what mankind can do with such beauty - what mankind can do to each other ! Everything became loss , everything became dead . And thus all hope left the Peasants . They realized that they would live and die in the wretched land that the Royals had forced upon them . Every day they prayed for a savior but there was never hope that one would come . For only fools hope in the land of Peasants . Most never realized that the one true king lived among them for he did not present the appearance of a great lord . He dressed like a Peasant rather than one of the Royals . Dirt covered his face just as it did the faces of his neighbors . His flesh was beaten and torn . Scars covered his entire being . His dark hair was tattered and frayed . His unshaven face showed stains of grey . His eyes showed signs of weariness . His clothes were little more than rags loosely sown together . He blended in perfectly with the rest of his people . No one perceived him being anything special . In truth , he appeared even poorer than the majority . He did not have a shed to call his own . Instead , he lived in the homes of what friends he could find . The only thing that really seemed different about him was his willingness to love and accept others . This was a hard thing to find among the Peasants - one willing to serve out of love rather than profit . The king would never hesitate to reveal himself to those who sought him . Many labeled him as insane when he claimed to be king - yet others believed in him . But whoever inquired of who he was would be told the truth . And the king entered into relationship with whoever desired it . Perhaps his closest friend was the Peasant named Adam . One evening , before he knew the king , Adam trekked outside the village to an unkempt cemetery . He drew near to the grave of his wife whom he had lost the previous year . She had been executed during a Peasant trial . It was custom in the land that if a Peasant were under trial by the Royals , they could redeem their charge if they were to end the life of a fellow Peasant . Adam 's wife had been sought out during a trial and executed . Adam had not found peace since . His wife had been the only thing worth living for in his wretched existence . On that dark night , Adam knelt by the tombstone of his wife and allowed his tears to flow freely . He grieved for his wife but also for his loss of faith and hope . He had always believed in the Creator King as a child and prayed that if there was a king beyond the wasteland of his home that someday the Peasants would be set free . But now Adam found himself doubting that a loving lord of any kind could exist . For how could there be a great and loving lord and king who could allow such evil to happen ? The king saw Adam grieving that hour and heard his cries . His heart was filled with compassion for his child . So he followed Adam that night to the gravesite and kneeling beside him , they wept together . " I don 't believe you , " Adam alleged through his tears . " I don 't believe in the Creator King for I am so lost that I don 't rightly know if I can believe in anything anymore . I 'm not sure that I even know this day what it means to be human . " " I know more than you can imagine , " the king answered returning a smile . His face then grew grave , " I know that the water which you drink is old and filled with dust . But this , my friend , is not what I inquired of you . What do you desire to drink ? " Adam obeyed and saw that his water had turned to red . Slowly , he brought the wooden cup to his lips and let the liquid drip onto his tongue . The taste of grapes was so sweet on his taste buds . It was the best thing that had ever passed his lips - it was like honey . He savored the wine for as long as he could before swallowing . " I see now that your claims are true , " Adam said . " You are the king that I heard about as a child . Teach me , my lord , how to follow you - show me what it means to be human . " And so Adam believed in the king . The two formed a strong bond and Adam followed the king wherever he went - and he was always welcome . They discussed life - the good and the bad . The king began teaching Adam about what it meant to be human . Yet , not all their talk was earnest . They often joined in laughter together . For the king was not merely Adam 's mentor , but also his friend . " One cannot be human alone , " the king told his followers . " If you are to love me , you must love each other . If one of your sisters or brothers is sick , nurse them back to health . If they are hungry , feed them . If they are without shelter , house them . You would not let yourself go through these things - nor should you let others . " And so the followers of the king entered into community and looked after one another . Each of them loved each other just as they loved themselves . Though the heartaches of life still came upon them , they never endured them alone . Many of the king 's followers were still not satisfied . The Royals would often enter the village and destroy their crops and other works . They begged and pleaded for their lord to set them free . The king replied , " Know that these matters are being looked out for . Control what you can control . Remember , I would not be with you if I had forgotten you . You cannot control the treatment of the Peasants by the Royals but you can control how you love me and how you love others . " And so Adam went with the king to the land south of the Peasant village . The terrain grew steep and grew to be more like mountains . Green shades could be seen in the grass and soon there were trees as well . They passed over several streams and at last they found themselves engulfed in a small forest . Then king entered a small , dark clearing and sat down . Adam sat down next to the king and they resided in silence for some time . Any instance that Adam began speaking , the king quietly and graciously quieted him . For hours they sat and just listened . The sound of the wind surrounding them created a peace . The coolness of the breeze on their faces strangely warmed their spirits . The sounds of insects and birds mixed with the hush of the wind and though there were no instruments being played - it was the most beautiful music Adam had ever heard . " This is true , " the king replied in seriousness . " I do not ask you to live a life of solitude . But I tell you the truth , if you never take time to listen , how will you ever hear me calling ? How can you hear when you do not listen ? I do not merely call you to be alone - I call you to be alone with me . For I am jealous for you , as I am of all in my kingdom . I love spending time with each of you but so often you become so distracted . So I desire to spend time with you in your solitude where distractions are removed . " The king sat in silence for a few moments longer but finally he answered , " My friend , a day is coming when I will no longer walk among you . It is in these times that I will ask of you to be still and listen for me . Never forget that even if you can 't see me , I am always with you . When you suffer , I am holding you and suffering with and for you . " This brought tears to Adam 's eyes but he did not reply . Adam and the king spent the rest of their day in silence . They did not speak more words but rather just breathed and existed . When the sun began setting , they got up and returned to the village . " My friend , " the king said with a smile , " I love the Peasants . I never want you to be without me . Know that even during the darkest nights and the most painful hours of your life , that I am with you . My feet are cut by the rocks just as yours are . I bleed just like you do . I suffer just like you suffer . Thus , I know you even more - and now you know this . Adam , in life you will experience suffering , evil , and death - never forget that I experience these thing as well - and can overcome them . " Adam was intensely comforted by these words . Yet , at the same time , he was puzzled by what the king had been saying throughout the day . Why would he leave his followers ? And how could he say that he would experience death - surely the lord of the Peasants couldn 't die ! Word began to spread through the village of the Peasants of all the king had been doing . More and more people began following him . News of the revival in the village of the Peasants reached the ears of the Royals . They heard of the man who named himself king . " Let come what may come my friend , " the king replied . " A day will arrive for each of us to experience death . So I shall experience it as well . " " But my lord ! " Adam protested . " All others deserve it ! You do not ! We are wicked and rotten people , we have all done terrible things . You , my king , are perfect ! " So despite what Adam said and the warnings of the other followers , the king did not go into hiding . It was not long before he was taken captive and dragged to the center of the village to be beaten and bruised . His captors spit in his face , mocking him . Many of the Peasants joined in the mocking . Several of the king 's followers abandoned the scene and returned to their sheds in hiding ; fearing the Royals would seek them out as well . But Adam stayed and watched as the soldiers ridiculed and beat his lord . How could these men do this to the only man who did not deserve it ? The king was brought to the point of total despair . His flesh was ripped and torn . He lay on the ground weeping . But somehow , through his busted and broken lips , he uttered the words , " I love you all . " " Get up ! " one of the soldiers ordered , pulling the king up from the ground . He spit in his face and then forced a sword into his hands . " Here you go my king , " he scoffed . " Kill one of these Peasants and show your loyalty to the kingdom . Choose any one you like - even a sick one will do . Maybe then we 'll set you free . " This was , after all , the Royal 's custom in trials . The king became tempted in this moment - not out of a lack of love for the peasants - but the reality and brutality of death was laying heavy on him and he could hardly bare it any longer . He desired to use the sword on his attackers and show them that he was lord . But the Creator King knew that he must go through with death so that he could show his children that he was stronger than death itself . His eyes made contact with his child , Adam . Adam could see the pain and humiliation in the king 's red and bloody eyes . He would still love his king if he accepted the terms of the Royals - nothing would change his love for his lord . But the king replied , " These Peasants are like my children . I would never kill one for I love them . " He then handed his sword back to the soldier . Adam watched in agony as his king fell dead and lifeless before him . He could see the blood pouring from the chest of the one he loved . He could not bear to watch any longer , fleeing back to his home . He tried to forget all that he had witnessed but the images would not leave his mind . In his bed he wept through the night . Lengthy were the days after the death of the king . Adam and majority of the other followers still met but suffered deep distress . They could not help but feel forsaken by their lord . They wailed and they mourned together , but they did not forget the lessons that the king had taught them . One day , the week after the king had died , Adam led the remaining followers of the king to the clearing in the forest that the king had revealed to him . They took their time in silence - listening for the king ; praying that he would answer . When evening approached and the followers prepared to leave , they heard footsteps nearing in the forest . They feared that the Royals were drawing near . But it was soon clear that these were the steps of but one man . The other followers were just as awed . The king 's body still showed scars from his beating and execution . His clothing was still torn from the trial . But his face somehow seemed brighter than ever . He smiled at his friends and let out laughter . " My friends , " the king finally replied . " I am the Creator King . Death has no grip on me . My foes tossed me into the grave but not even the power of death can hold me . Nor will it hold you if you put your faith in me . Do not forget all that I have taught you . " " There are things that I must tend to . " The king replied . " Bur remember this : I desire above all else relationship with you - all of you . I have lived among you to show you that I am with you . Just because you cannot see me does not mean that I am not with you . Know that in your darkest hours I am right beside you feeling what you feel - hurting because you hurt . You have seen me suffer , you have seen evil afflicted on me , you have seen me tempted , and you have seen me die . But you have also seen me overcome those very things - the things you experience daily . Now you know that I can suffer with you and that I can help you overcome . Do not give up hope ! Not even in the end ! For I am with you and will return for you ! " Adam and the other followers returned to the village and told the other Peasants what they had seen . They never forgot the love the king had showed them . In their darkest hours they remembered their lord and trusted that he was with them . The legends grew among the Peasants and they forever looked toward his return . The Peasants never forgot about him . They would always tell the tale of the great and mighty king who became a Peasant - the Lord of Peasants . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Aaron 's been grouchy lately , which makes me extra irritated with him . I actually have been pretty tired of Aaron the last few days . I hope that doesn 't disappoint anybody but it 's true . His attitude leaves a lot to be desired right now . . . . . . . . . . . and this affects my attitude , leaving me with much to be desired in the attitude department as well . I had been out in the garden today and lost track of time . Realizing that I needed to check on Aaron and ask him about lunch , I went up to his room to offer him some lunch . He finally came downstairs , still carrying that attitude , so I was pretty brusque and unhappy myself . This made him calm down and be contrite . After all , food is in the balance here . Speaking of food , he asked if Andrea was " coming over " today . . . . . . . . . as if she 's on the next street and might come over , instead of being an hour away and driving down for the day . When I told him that she would be here , he asked , " So what food are we having ? " Everything seems to boil down to food with Aaron . I told him that we were having chicken , and he asked the question he forever and always asks when we 're having chicken : " Is it boneless ? " No , this chicken is not boneless , Aaron . He thought for a few seconds , and then said , " The problem is . . . . . . . the bone . " So I responded , " Aaron , this is Kentucky Fried Chicken . Does that make it better ? " His attitude improved greatly at the magic words . . . . . . . . . . Kentucky Fried Chicken . That smacks of eating out . . . . . . . . . . . of restaurant food . . . . . . . . . . of anything other than what Mom makes . Aaron 's not been picky as he 's grown up , but now that he 's gotten more of a taste of eating out , he does indeed love it ! He decided that he could handle the bones in KFC chicken and so that matter was settled . I went outside to do something and when I came back in the kitchen , Aaron was polishing off an ice cream bar . I walked by the side of the kitchen table , and lo and behold . . . . . . . . . . . . there were two more ice cream bars on the chair . He thought they were safely out of sight , but Mom 's eyes are sharp for these things and his plan for three ice cream bars was foiled . I did compromise and let him have one more , but not two more . He knew a good turn of events when he saw it and so didn 't press his good fortune . As he got up from his chair , he walked over to me in the kitchen and stood there . I turned to look at him and he asked , " Mom , does the face around me have chocolate ? " There he goes , warming my heart with his clever use of language . I paused when he asked me this question to be sure I heard him correctly , and so he repeated it . . . . . . . . . . " Does the face around me have chocolate ? " And he gave a little laugh . . . . . . . . . . I 'm not sure why . . . . . . . . . . . and I smiled and told him that his face was clean . He thumped on upstairs to take a nap , leaving me with that awareness again that no matter how irritated I am with him , he will somehow manage to make me smile and to keep me sharp with his amazing way of talking . I well remember when the kids were little and days were exhausting and stressful . There were times that I would smile at something and realize that I had not used those muscles all day . What were my children having to see when they looPosted by We hadn 't seen Kristi in four years and were looking forward to having her come for dinner and fellowship . Catching up on life and hearing about her missionary work in France was going to be the order of the evening . I had my menu planned and knew the order in which I needed to prepare the food so that it would all be done right on time . The first item to prepare was the homemade Pound Cake that I would later serve with ice cream and chocolate syrup . I love to have my house smelling like good home cooking when someone comes to visit , and I knew that this Pound Cake would start off that homey smell just right . After the cake was in the oven for awhile I noticed that I wasn 't smelling that wonderful aroma that I had looked forward to experiencing - and neither would Kristi when she walked in the door ! All I was smelling was the acrid , offending odor of burnt cake . How could that be ? So I turned on the oven light , peeked in through the glass door , and quickly found the cause . There on the floor of the oven was an ugly mound of burnt cake batter . Somehow some of the cake had oozed out of the tube pan onto the bottom of the oven and proceeded to bake into a black , ugly glob . I couldn 't open the oven door to remove the offense because then the cake would fall , so I had to let it continue baking and filling the house with its burnt odor . I wasn 't smelling my wonderful Pound Cake . Instead , all I whiffed was the burnt glob on the bottom of the oven . Later , I put the Ravioli Lasagne in the oven and in my hurry to get it started I decided not to remove the burnt batter . I thought that it had surely burnt so much that it wouldn 't smell anymore and so I would take care of it later . But sure enough , as the lasagne began to bake I could only smell the dark smell of something burning . It wasn 't until I opened the oven door and gingerly scooped out as much of the glob as I could that the smell began to go away and to be replaced by the delicious scent of lasagne and cake . I wonder what aroma I emit when I am around others ? I 'm not talking about the scent of my lotion or whether I brushed my teeth . Paul said it so well in II Corinthians 2 : 14 - " But thanks be to God , Who always leads us to triumph in Christ , and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place . " Am I manifesting the sweet aroma of Christ to everyone that I am around ? Sometimes I know that I have let the hardness of life burn me to a crisp . When I allow life 's situations to burn me instead of bake me to perfection under His guiding hand , then I emit a very unpleasant odor . How I respond to the disappointments I face will determine whether I 'm aPatty When Aaron had his teeth cleaned a couple weeks ago , the dentist found a large crack in one of his back molars . This explained the pain that Aaron had been having since biting down hard on some steak a few weeks prior to this discovery . Dr . Baxter , our dentist , said that Aaron would need a crown . Aaron has talked and talked about his broken tooth , his cracked tooth , his sore tooth - and also talked of his crown , wondering if it will be silver or gold , and just how the whole process will transpire . He 's also been curious about the dental hygienist there at his dentist 's office . He must have been very observant ………… . . or as he would say , " I 'm just very curious . " She is oriental , so you can guess where I 'm going with this if you 've read my blog for any length of time . The other night he was once again talking about his upcoming crown . " Mom , you know that lady that works on my teeth ? She 's Korean , or Chinese , or Japanese ! " At least he didn 't try to place her in Africa as he is so often prone to do . He continued about his hygienist : " Would you call that lady who cleaned my teeth a servant ? Is she a servant of Baxter ? " I assured Aaron that she was not a servant , but was a dental hygienist who worked for Dr . Baxter . I was hoping that he would not ask her today about her servant status . She was polite and smiling after Aaron 's prep work was over , so hopefully he wasn 't offensive in any way . One good thing about dental visits is that Aaron has very little talking time there . When the dentist was finished with Aaron 's work today , I heard him telling Aaron what an awesome job he did . Thankfully , Aaron really does do very well with medical procedures . Nothing has ever greatly bothered him ………… . not even needles . Not even dental needles …… . SHIVER ! ! As Aaron rounded the corner to the waiting room , I immediately heard , " Mom ! " The staff there is so kind and understanding , and the receptionist just smiled . Aaron continued , " Can we go to Pizza Hut for lunch ? " Now I had already told Aaron that lunch was questionable due to his numbness that was sure to come . He was still hoping for a miracle . I had to tell Aaron to hush as I made his next appointment and his Pizza Hut question kept being repeated . The hygienist gave him a coupon for a free ice - cream cone , so the pizza question then became an ice - cream cone question . We made our usual post - dental Wal - Mart visit . I had my list ready and Aaron had his usual stops all planned : Bathroom ……… Snack Aisle ……… . . Video Aisle . I looked up from housewares to see him lumbering toward me , balancing three canisters of his now favorite Multi - Grain Sour Cream and Onion Pringles in his arms . We put them in the cart and he was off again , only to return soon after with a DVD in his hand . It 's a DVD that I 've said no to in the past but Aaron is ever hopeful . The answer was still no . He heard the stern tone of my voice and knew that his Multi - Grain Sour Cream and Onion Pringles were in jeopardy if he responded incorrectly , so he was mellow about not buying the DVD . He did try for a new keyboard ………… . . with another no from me ………… . . and a new desk chair ………… . . and another no ……… . . and a travel neck pillow that he always wants ………… . with yet another no . But Aaron wasn 't finished . He asked about the spaghetti I told him we were having for supper , wanting to know about bread . Before I could answer , he asked if we could have some ………… . can you guess ? Croissants ! ! I surprised him by saying yes , and then told him to go get his treasured Croissants while I picked up one more thing . Soon I headed toward the deli breads , only to see Aaron once again lumbering toward me with - of course - THREE containers of Croissants . He had planned his argument well , telling me that he could have some for breakfast , too ! He was so hopeful and was balancing the containers so carefully , that I caved and said yes . Happy , happy Aaron ! He sat on the bench outside his favorite nail salon while I paid , with strict instructions from me to NOT stand in the door staring at the women getting their nails done . I forgot to mention not clapping , and soon I heard that familiar , ear - splitting CLAP ! ! ! He was looking right at me , knowing that my head would shake no and my mouth would form a silent no . He smiled his lopsided , numb - faced smile . Good old Aaron ! We both know exactly what to expect from each other , though sometimes there are surprises . Aaron 's surprises today came in threes with his three Pringles and his three Croissants . For me , it was the surprise of seeing Aaron with his three containers of Croissants . I thought he would have figured out how to stack them and carry four or five , at least ! Posted by Aaron came down for supper last night with a song on his mind , for whatever reason . " Mom , you know that song that goes ' Call on Jesus , call on Jesus … . ' ? Remember that song ? What song is that ? " He repeated his question several times as I tried to grasp in my memory exactly what song he was talking about . Then it hit me . " Aaron , you 're talking about Chris Tomlin 's Untitled Hymn . " As we ate , Gary took his tablet and looked up Untitled Hymn . Soon the beautiful melody and the precious lyrics were filling the kitchen as we ate . Aaron listened closely , affirming that this was indeed the song that he was thinking about . Soon the song was nearly done , as Chris sang the touching verse about death : " And with your final heartbeat , kiss this world good - bye . Then go in peace , and laugh on Glory 's side - and fly to Jesus , fly to Jesus , fly to Jesus and live . " Aaron got such a puzzled look on his face . " Fly to Jesus ? Does that mean we 'll be angels ? ! " We talked about that awhile , and he wanted to know about why each verse has different words ………… come to Jesus , sing to Jesus , fall on Jesus , etc . We discussed the fact that this song shows the various stages of our Christian walk and then death at the end . It was a sweet almost - ending to our day . Until Aaron had to mention another music reference that also had stuck in his head . " I was watching Yosemite Sam on TV and he told this girl to come to the cash bar , and then they would make some music together ! " Gary and I were silent as Aaron asked what Yosemite Sam meant , but Gary 's cheek had a twitch and his mouth was working hard not to grin . I was a good girl and didn 't laugh TOO loud . As Aaron carried his plate into the kitchen , Gary smiled at me and whispered a warning - " Don 't you talk to him about it ! " It 's been one of those mornings . You know . . . . . . . . one of THOSE mornings . I went to bed bothered by worrisome issues that I should not go to bed being bothered by . . . . . . . . . . those worrisome issues . Can 't end that sentence in a preposition . : ) I went to my new location in Andrea 's old room that I 've set up for myself . . . . . . . . a new desk and an alone place to have my quiet time . The new location didn 't seem to help . I felt stifled and ineffective in my time with the Lord this morning . Distracted . . . . . . . and thinking that I needed to dodge my prayers that were bouncing off the ceiling , going no where . Is Satan unhappy about my desire for a more intimate time with the Lord ? Perhaps . Later , I looked at the weather forecast and the upcoming week of temps above 100 and no rain only increased my weariness . Our scratchy dog with allergies ; laundry waiting to be washed or put away ; dishes to take care of ; even a Supreme Court ruling and an election in Egypt that I don 't agree with were piling up in my mind . Talk about taking on the cares of the world . Come on , Patty . This is really ridiculous ! After my shower , I heard good old Aaron in the hall . " Mom ? " I told him that I would be out in a minute . I could tell that I would have very little patience with him today . . . . . . . . . shame on me . He thumped downstairs to take his pills and thumped back up to see if we could now talk . I again told him to wait . . . . . . . . . . and when I did open my door , he was in his room and promptly told me to come look at his finger . He held it up for me as I walked in , and there it was . . . . . . . . . . . . . his index finger , all wrapped up in a bloody band - aid . My patience was even less now . " Mom , last night I had some loose skin and so I used my knife to cut it off . " Oh Aaron . We 've heard this story before and I knew what was coming . . . . . . . . . . . and it did . He wanted to know if he should have used his little pocket knife to cut off the skin ; why not ? ; what would I use ? ; that he couldn 't help it that the knife slipped , etc . , and etc . I removed the band - aid and saw the raw wound where he had cut or pulled off his loose skin . I could feel my irritation increasing . I told him to go shower . . . . . . . . . . . . his whole body , by the way , not just his finger ! I know how he thinks . Aaron showered and then came to my bathroom , where I further cleaned and medicated and dressed his wound . He could sense my mood and so he scurried on downstairs , deciding to get his own coffee and carry it to his room himself without bothering his moody mom . Soon I heard , " Mom , I spilled some coffee but I 'll clean it up . " Oh goodness , Aaron ! Where did you spill coffee ? " On the stairs . I 'll clean it up ! " No , Aaron . . . . . . . I 'll get it . All the while , I was muttering under my breath about how this is the last thing I needed and why did he have to carry the coffee up himself when he 's so shaky and of all mornings . . . . . . . . . . . . Then I saw the spill , which looked more like a gushing of coffee . It was splattered on several stairs , but one stair in particular was soaked with coffee . Oh Aaron ! Look at this mess ! Next I saw coffee on the living room floor , so got the Swiffer and mopped that section . I headed for the soppy stairs , with Aaron saying , " I 'll clean it up , Mom ! " But I grabbed towels and began the clean - up , while Aaron then said , " Here , I 'll help . " He proceeded to carry a wad of paper towels from the kitchen into the living room and instead of heading for the stairs where I was , he started wiping off the piano . WHAT ? ? ! ! Sure enough , some coffee had splattered onto the piano and Aaron was working to clean up the brown spots . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . while he stood on the still - wet floor . I went from unhappy to unhappier , all the while muttering about how my nerves couldn 't take much more and of all mornings and please , Aaron , don 't talk right now . . . . . . . . . . . I continued my shallow thinking as I realized that I would indeed have a bad hair day , no matter what I did to try to improve the mess on my head . The clothes I chose to wear today didn 't help any , nor did the sandals . No time to change all that now . Of all days for me to have a doctor appointment , I moaned to myself . Little annoyances for the remainder of the morning reminded me of my misery . Aaron and I hurried out the door , stopping at the grocery store on our way to meet his group . I had promised him a Cheddar Pasta Salad to take to his group . Of all mornings to need to leave early , I grumbled . At the deli counter , as we waited to be served , Aaron began to notice all the dishes . He leaned over and oohed and aahed over the Deviled Egg Potato Salad , The Layered Salad , the Fruit Salad , the German sandwiches , the Spaghetti Salad . . . . . . . . . . . . and his joy over simple food began to silence my distasteful attitude . He had moved beyond spilled coffee , bad hair , wounded finger , scratchy dog , and hot temps . He noticed the good things before him . As we walked out with not only his Cheddar Pasta Salad , but also a bottle of flavored water and some Skittles , he chattered happily about anything and everything . If I wasn 't listening , I would have missed his observation that the entrance sidewalk at the Warren Theater is , in his words , " . . . . . . . twinkle stone . Does it have jewelry in it , Mom ? " I had to pause in my heart and smile . As we drove to meet his group , I told him that I was sorry about my attitude that morning . He didn 't say a word , but I know he filed that apology in his mind . I needed to say it and he needed to hear it from his grouchy mother this morning . Later , at Sassy Nails , I sat across from a stranger - another mom - while our toes dried . We talked and she shared how her sister had died of cancer , and how through it all she had blessings to be thankful for . This woman , this mom , this sister , had no idea about how much I needed to hear those words . How easy it is to let the slight troubles of my life ruin my disposition and take my mind off the Lord ! So I have counted my blessings for the rest of the day : Aaron came home one day last week , bounding in the door in his usual bounding way . Immediately I heard his routine , " Mom ! " He continued to call my name as he made the rounds of the house until he found me . It never fails . Not that he finds me . . . . . . . . . . . I can 't hide that well . It never fails that he calls " Mom ! " repeatedly throughout the house . I have told him over and over to quit yelling out " Mom ! " but to wait until he finds me , and then he can say " Mom " and proceed with his tall tale or his question or his observation or his question . . . . . . . . . . . quietly . This is foreign and unacceptable to Aaron , obviously , so I just waited as he yelled " Mom ! " and then as he walked in my bedroom I proceeded with my hello and how are you . . . . . . . . . none of which he was interested in at the moment . " Mom ! " he continued . " I was wondering about something today . " So proceeded our evening conversation , continuing throughout supper preparation and throughout our time of waiting for Dad ( aka Gary ) to return home from work . Aaron could not really define why he was tired of calling Gary and I by our usual titles of Mom and Dad . However , he assured us that he was very tired of the Mom and Dad routine , and that Gary and Patty would suit him so much better . Sure enough , during supper Aaron didn 't waste much time before approaching Gary ( sometimes referred to as Dad ) with his newfound name change . " Dad , I told Mom that I want to start calling you guys Gary and Patty . " Of course , Gary agreed with me because I 'm Mom ( or is that Patty ? ) . He told Aaron that he should not call us by our first names but by our titles of Mom and Dad . We struggle enough with instilling respect for others in our very vocal Aaron . We both tried to make him understand that calling us by our first names would be showing a lack of respect . I don 't know why we thought that this would matter to Aaron . Since when is it weird to call Mom and Dad . . . . . . . . . . . . Mom and Dad ? Aaron couldn 't quite answer that question . I tried a different approach as I told him about given names and that his given name is Aaron , my given name is indeed Patty as well as his Dad 's given name is Gary . BUT our title to our children is MOM and DAD . Aaron listened . I felt that I had made an important break through in this stalemate . Pointing to myself , I asked , " So Aaron , who am I ? " Today has been a stay - at - home day - for both Aaron and me . Aaron slept late and when I went in his room to check on him , he said his stomach hurt . I didn 't hear any seizures but knew that he didn 't feel well . Or did he just go to sleep late last night and so wanted to sleep in ? I 'm not at all sure about the reason he didn 't feel well , but I made the decision to let him stay home from his day group today . The decision was easier , too , since I was going to be home all day , and so I didn 't have to rearrange my schedule in order to be here with him . He was delighted to hear that he could stay at home - and with Mom ! He did feel the need to confirm over and over to me that he really was a little under the weather . " Mom , I don 't feel well . " And a minute later , as he followed me into my bedroom , " Mom , I don 't feel well . " Down the stairs to the kitchen we went , and once again , " Mom , I don 't feel well . " Aaron , I know you don 't feel well . You really do get to stay at home today . Then I told him that he needed to get in the shower first thing . Aaron doesn 't particularly like showers …… . . or baths ……… . . or any form of working to keep clean . He heard the news that he had to still shower and said , " Are you sure that will be good for me ? " He showered and then drank his freshly brewed coffee , seemingly unaware of how blessed his life is at times like this . I took the opportunity to remind him that he needed to eat something , but his stomach was not yet ready for that . I took the further opportunity , since we were discussing food , to talk to him yet once again about how he needed to eat right and make wise food choices when he is out with his group . " Aaron , what did you buy yesterday with your money when you went to Quik Trip ? " He answered , " I bought a 52 slushie and 4 Hot Tamales . " Good grief , Aaron ! For those of you who may not know , a 52 slushie means a 52 ounce slushie . The biggest ……… . the largest ……… . . the extra grande ……… . . the one that Aaron always buys . " Aaron , " I asked . " What other sizes do they have ? " So I told him that a 16 would be far better ……… as would ONE box of Hot Tamales ……… NOT four ! " Why is a 16 a good size ? " he wanted to know . Because a 16 is plenty , Aaron . A 52 is WAY beyond plenty ! Aaron continued to talk as I worked around the house , following me from room to room . For instance , he informed me of a visitor at Paradigm that used to work there . " Mom , that lady that used to work at Paradigm came for a visit with her baby ! " I tried to narrow down just who this person was - pretty sure I know - but to help me out Aaron clarified , " She 's that white - skinned lady ! " I smile . No matter how many times we tell Aaron not to refer to skin color , he invariably comes back to that - or some other - physical feature to describe someone whose name he can 't remember . We worry about him being offensive ……… a concept he does not grasp nor does he care to . I went outside to work in the garden and to trim some bushes . I enjoyed the fresh air , the birds , the sound of the wind ………… . and then , " Mom ! " There stood Aaron , wondering where I was and what I was doing . I invited him to come out to join me and to talk ………… not believing those words were coming out of my mouth ! Aaron does not need an invitation to talk . He manages that very easily , like breathing . Yet on this morning , as Aaron came back outside with his shoes and socks on , carrying his trash can ………… . . he did not talk . He busied himself in the dried leaves and grass and twigs on the back side of the garden . When he absorbs himself in this activity , he is lost in thought ………… . relaxing in his own world . This is one world that we are not a part of …………… . a place where only Aaron goes . Even my comments about the beans or the clouds or the wind or the lady bugs did not elicit a response of more than a grunt or a word or two . I was lost in thought , too ……… . thinking of prayer requests from friends and family ; thanking the Lord for recent answered prayers ; thinking of those whom I love facing major decisions and challenges ; learning lessons , as always , in my garden . Soon I asked Aaron if he wanted some lunch ………… . some chicken pot pies . This brought his head up quickly ! " Yeah ! " he answered . " How many ? " One , Aaron . One is plenty . Not a 52 , or 16 , or 32 ………… or 4 , like the Hot Tamales . Once in the kitchen , he waited patiently for the microwave to cook his one pot pie . I told him that soon it would be ready and that he could let it cool . And he said , " After that , we 'll pray . " Simple , yet profound . He remembers that we pray before we eat at home , and when we are out . I am reminded of the teaching that we as parents or grandparents or friends or teachers carry on with those under our care . That consistent , daily teaching ………… and how sometimes we wonder if any of it is sinking into their inner being . Oh yes , it is ! So as we continue to live our faith , and teach our children no matter their age , we pray that what they are seeing and learning will reside in their souls and their hearts forever . We pray for our Andrea as she begins graduate school far away in Texas . We pray for Andrew as he finishes his last year of college , that he will seek and know God 's will for his life . We pray for our future with Aaron , for his safety and for our wisdom and patience . Yes , Aaron . After that , we 'll pray . Always pray . Posted by Recently , Aaron came into the kitchen where I was working and launched into his latest area of interest for that day . " Mom ! Today John , Allen and I were talking about Romeo and Juliet . " Well , this certainly is a switch , I thought . He 's gone from his latest alien fascination straight into Romeo and Juliet . I could tell that I was going to need to hang on for this ride . Aaron continued , " Is this thing true about Romeo ? " What thing , Aaron ? " That poem ……… the one that ……… . . oh , what 's his name ? Shakespeare ? Didn 't he write that poem about Romeo and Juliet ? " It wasn 't a poem , Aaron . William Shakespeare wrote a play about Romeo and Juliet . " Yeah , and Juliet said ' Therefore art thou , Romeo ? " I realized that at this point we had a compilation going of Rumpelstiltskin and Tangled and who knows what else ? Interesting . Fairy tales and Disney and Shakespeare , rolled into one . I should send Aaron to Hollywood ! I tried to straighten this tangled mess out as I worked , but Aaron finished his informative conversation with me and thumped up to his room to occupy himself for the evening . But the next day , at supper , he had fresh ears . Andrea was there as well as Gary , and Aaron soon launched into his tale of Shakespeare and the poem he wrote about Romeo and Juliet . As he continued , the three of us were exchanging side way glances and doing everything possible not to laugh loudly at Aaron 's version of Shakespeare 's poem ……… which we kept trying to clarify with Aaron that it was a play but Aaron has dubbed it a poem and so it will stay a poem . As he excitedly talked about this great poem , and how Juliet was looking for Romeo by asking the famous ' Therefore art thou , Romeo ? ' question ……… . and how she was standing in the castle window …………… and then how she jumped out of the window ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gary , Andrea , and I were chewing vigorously in an effort to stifle our laughter . But the tipping point came when somehow Aaron mysteriously forgot who wrote this amazing poem and he asked , " Who wrote that ? Was it Arnold ? " Aaron paused to think for a moment and then continued , " No , it wasn 't Arnold Schwarzenegger from the Terminator . " That was it . I dissolved down into my chair , trying not to choke on my food as I laughed and then in my best Austrian accent , I just couldn 't resist . I said , " I 'll be back ……… . . Juliet . " I know you had to be there , but Gary , Andrea and I totally lost it . I had to leave the table as the tears of laughter rolled down my cheeks . We don 't often laugh like this about what Aaron says , except behind his back , because at times he takes it personally and thinks that we are laughing AT him instead of WITH him . Actually , at this moment we were laughing AT him and we just couldn 't stop . Thankfully , Aaron was still stuck on Shakespeare and Schwarzenegger and didn 't seem at all bothered by the laughter and choking and Mom repeating again , " I 'll be back ………… Juliet . " He then began to ask if Shakespeare was still alive . " I thought Shakespeare was kinda still alive to write poems . " Well , I 'd say that at that moment Shakespeare was very alive and well at our house . More so than he probably would have ever wanted to be . Or was that Schwarzenegger ? And I seriously doubt that this is over . I 'll be back ……… . Shakespeare ! It was a hot June 18 in Princeton , West Virginia , 57 years ago . Beth King was busy watching over her three children , ages 4 and under , as well as preparing for her parents to arrive from Florida . Her husband , Jack , was at work and so she busily got the house and dinner ready for her family to arrive . Oh , and someone else was getting ready to arrive , too . Beth was 9 months pregnant ! And so in her typical hard - working fashion , she decided to tackle one more task that needed to be done . Grabbing the lawn mower , she set out to mow the large yard . She was barefoot - after all , this IS West Virginia ! After mowing awhile , Beth ran in to check on the dinner in the oven . She had made a specialty of hers - Cheese Souffle - and knew that she needed to watch its rising very carefully . Bending over , she slowly opened the oven door and received quite a surprise . Her water broke ! ! I don 't remember all the details at that point - I was the one about to be born - but I can imagine that there was much rushing around and changing of plans and phone calls and getting to the hospital ! Dr . Pace had to be called in from a family picnic on this beautiful summer Saturday . I had no concern for other 's plans , only my own ! Dr . Pace was wearing a very bright Hawaiian shirt and didn 't have time to change because I was in a hurry . Mother had green feet from mowing the lawn . And so I was born , looking at green feet and a bold Hawaiian shirt . Does this explain me to all of you ? It should . And guess what my favorite meal is , the one that Mom always made for me when I would come home from college or from being around the world as a military wife ? Cheese Souffle , of course ! ! I love you , Mom , for giving me life on this day 57 years ago - strange as it was ! As Father 's Day approaches , my thoughts naturally turn to my Dad more often than usual . The other day , I purposefully kept my eyes from looking at the Father 's Day cards written for Dad as I perused the cards and made my choice . Even now , over three years since his death , looking at those cards for Dads will certainly bring the tears . I 'm sure that Mary Beth and Bob , John and Jeanie , Jan and Bob , and Kathryn and Jimmy feel the same as Gary and I do . We have so much to be thankful for ……… . . many good years spent with such a kind and dear man rather than only a few , as is the case with so many others . Yet I know that no matter how long he would have lived , the missing would never be any easier . He was just that kind of man . I think that perhaps the attribute of our Dad that made him the dearest was his selflessness . This trait was evident in the way that he could laugh at himself and allow us to laugh with him ……… . . or laugh at him , too ……… . without any hint of pride at all . He also took time to talk to people and to really listen without seeming hurried or disinterested in what was being shared . He looked for ways to reach out to others with a helping hand , a few dollars , a wise word of advice , a ride somewhere , a visit , a shared laugh ………… . always with kindness . He wasn 't out to promote himself or protect his time . He was all about others and about family . I saw the greatest demonstration of his selflessness many times during the month that I spent with him and Mom before he died . I 've heard it said that the way a person handles his impending death is a real evidence of the person they truly are . I can vouch for this statement when I think of Dad . He was polite , and humorous , and gentle , and thankful even as he daily faced pain and uncertainty and the knowledge that he was leaving Mom . I learned a lot from him during that emotional month . Dad was very modest ……… very , very modest . During our childhood , we never saw him without a shirt on . Even when he mowed the yard on a hot summer day , he wore a shirt . If we happened to see him shaving in his bathroom with the door open , he was wearing a tee shirt . And never , ever did we see him in a pair of shorts . That would have been very out of character for him . We didn 't think anything about it ………… we just accepted this aspect of Dad 's character and loved him for it . All of us kids hoped that Dad would still be able to preserve his modesty during his final weeks of fighting cancer . None of us wanted to see him have to face that loss …… . that humiliation . It weighed on my mind as I flew home to be with him and Mom before he died . I was there to help , to minister to them both . We children were all doing what we could , but now as he declined rapidly I dreaded what may be ahead . He was getting so weak , I learned , that Mom had to swing his legs up into bed at night as he sat on the edge of the bed . This was very difficult for her , physically . On my first night there , as I listened in the other room , Mom told Dad that he should let me come in and help him into bed . He surprised me by saying , " I will not ! " But I could understand . He wasn 't being difficult . It was simply that his modesty and privacy was hard to relinquish . It was only a matter of days after I arrived that he was allowing me to assist with getting him into bed . He had pajamas on but it was still hard for him . Yet we both laughed and said funnOne day , after a particularly trying time for Mom both physically and emotionally , Dad called me to his bed . He said , " I don 't want your Mom to ever have to do that again . " He told me that he wanted Amy , his precious Hospice nurse , to train Jan and me on how to care for his personal needs . Jan and I were both dreading this moment , more for him than for us . We knew how hard this decision was for him . Yet he came to this point not for his own welfare , but for Mom 's . He was so worried about her health and her emotions that he was willing to give up his own feelings in order to care for her . Jan and I both talked to Dad , asking him if he was very sure - and he confirmed that he was . When Amy came to the house the next time , she briefly showed us what to do - yet was able to do it in such a way as to preserve his dignity , which was a real blessing . The entire time that we helped with his toilet needs , we were able to do so with respect and with little invasion of his privacy . Still , it was a monumental change for him and for us . Soon after we began this new phase of his care , I had positioned him back into his wheelchair when I looked down and saw that he was crying . It upset me and I quickly knelt down by his side , feeling that he must be embarrassed at what he was forced to do . " Dad , what 's wrong ? " I asked . He then told me , in his weak and slow voice , that he was sorry . Sorry ? " Dad , what are you sorry for ? " And he answered , " I 'm sorry that you and Jan have to do this . " The reality of what he meant hit me with such force that I could hardly speak . Dad wasn 't crying for himself or for his own humiliation . He was crying because he felt like he had made Jan and I be a part of something that we should , in his opinion , never have had to do . He was thinking of us , not of himself . He was apologizing for what he felt he had caused for us - embarrassment at having to take care of our father 's personal needs . I hugged him and assured him that we were privileged to be allowed to care for him . And I told him that I didn 't want him to ever feel that way again . This picture of Dad 's selflessness will stay with me forever . If anyone had a right to feel sorry for himself and to cry over his own situation , my dying Dad sure did . Yet he still thought of others , of us , as he did until the day he died . He was still teaching us by his actions how a man of God should live ……… . . and how a man of God should die . Thank you , Dad . Aaron was very grouchy this morning . He wanted things done his way , at his time , and so was pretty hateful for the first part of his morning . Sometimes when he reaches a tipping point , he 'll grab something that usually belongs to him and he will throw it or punch it or bang it . This morning it was to rip it ……… . a special book that he grabbed and then twisted and tore a couple pages in the book . Firmness , yet with calmness , is key to leading him through these periods of anger . The calmness on my part is more effective than anything . Funny that being calm is the very hardest thing for me to do . I want to yell at him ……… to talk some sense into him ……… . to not give in to his demands . Each situation varies and so requires individual solutions , but the common thread is for me to remain calm . Just as quickly as his anger erupted , it seemed to leave . He crunched on his celery and peanut butter while I ignored him and went about my business . He doesn 't enjoy being ignored . He tried to engage me in conversation , but I had no desire to please him at that moment . His mood may have been " up " at that time , but mine was still " down . " I 've tried to explain to him how emotionally draining it is to those whom he mistreats when he is angry , but these emotions of others mean nothing to him . It was truly amazing to see the rapid switch in his mood . He was suddenly very happy and very talkative , excited to tell me about his Smurf movie that he 's enjoying ………… " Chapter 5 is so funny , Mom ! Come in my room and look at this part ! " He sang and yelled happily in the shower , too , and then stood in my room chatting away . I noticed , though , that sweat was beading on his brow . It was as if his body was in overdrive . Sometimes this means that he will have seizures soon . I 'll need to keep the monitor turned up tonight for sure . He began to tell me about reading the night before . Aaron only reads at night , right before turning out his light and going to bed . One day he told me , " Mom , I went to bed at 11 : 14 and got up at 7 : 31 . I need to figure out a way to quit reading so late . " I simply answered , " Aaron , just quit reading . " His reply : " But I have to get tired first . " These reading and getting tired issues are not so simple to Aaron . He will read his Handy Answer Books to a certain point , do or die . Therefore , lately we 've tried to get Aaron to go to bed earlier and so begin reading earlier in an effort to turn out his light earlier . The simplest solutions don 't always work with Aaron . Spinny eyes , huh ? That 's how I was feeling after our up and down morning . A spinny morning with Aaron , going in different directions . He described it well . I 'm thankful that I have the day while he 's gone to hopefully get my balance back ! Yesterday Aaron had a dentist appointment , so as usual I told him that we would eat lunch out somewhere - his choice . This of course makes Aaron very happy . He climbed in the car and settled in for the ride to Chili 's , with our music cranked up but with Aaron still trying to talk over the sound of Billy Joel . Nothing deters Aaron from talking . Trust me . It 's fun to just sit with Aaron in a restaurant and let him guide the conversation . Control might be a better word . As soon as we were led to our table , the talking began and continued non - stop for the entire meal . Only when chewing his huge burger was Aaron quiet . I also knew from the moment that our server , Christy , came to the table that she got Aaron . She was relaxed with him , smiling and interacting with him , which showed me how much she liked and enjoyed him . She had none of the nervous glances and stony looks that so many others do when they meet Aaron . This also put me at ease . Christy asked right away if we wanted an appetizer . Aaron perked up and asked , " What 's an appetizer ? " Christy and I tried to explain appetizers to Aaron , but all he cared about was revealed in his next question : " Does it have bread ? " You know how Aaron loves bread . Anyone who buys 36 rolls at Wal - Mart does indeed love bread . Christy went on to get our water while I continued to answer appetizer questions and assure Aaron that we did not need an appetizer , and that no , there was no bread appetizer . Next , Aaron wanted to know what a margarita was as he studied the poster on the wall . No , Aaron , you cannot have a margarita , either . Now please look at the menu at something that you CAN have . . . . . . . . . . . and of course , he ordered the biggest bacon burger that he could find . . . . . . . . . . after looking at all the menu pictures and having many questions about the food that he saw . He always comes back to burgers . . . . . . . . . with bacon , surely . His eyes are always moving , observing every detail around him . He liked the tile table where we sat , bright and unusual . " Mom , this design looks like a snowflake . . . . . . . . . . and this one looks like leafs . . . . . . . with snowflakes . " Which led him to remember pepper . " Mom , remember when I looked at pepper in the microscope ? It 's all leafs ! Why would we eat leafs ? " He was bothered by the water left on the table from where it was cleaned before we arrived , so he began swiping the table with his hands . He also does this for crumbs , but I stopped him before we had even more water on the table from spilled drinks . Then he realized that he didn 't have his obligatory toothpick by his side that he must always have by his side when he eats . He got up to go get a toothpick that he had seen at the welcome desk near the front door , but I stopped him quickly . His eyes don 't miss anything ! Christy was kind enough to bring Aaron a toothpick on a little paper towel . . . . . . . . . . . which he promptly dropped and lost . Somehow he managed to finish his meal minus the toothpick . He wanted to clap , so I gave him repeated reminders that clapping was not to be done in the restaurant . He still got a few in anyway , despite my stern looks . And talk , talk , talk ! We talked about getting him new shoes after the dentist , when we went to Wal - Mart . Whereupon he turned in the booth and stuck his foot out to show me the semi - hole in his tennis shoes . . . . . . . . . . . . and poked his finger in the hole as he said , " See , Mom , you can actually feel the inside of the shoe ! " Turn around , Aaron , and quit jabbing your finger in your shoe ! He held up the onion slice that was on his huge bacon hamburger . " Do you call these purple onions ? " He knows the answer but will always ask anyway , so I answer the way that I always answer . . . . . . . . . . . that these are not purple onions but are called red onions . . . . . . . . . which leads to a discussion of red vs . purple , and is he color blind like Granddaddy ? He remembers that he read a long time last night before bed and is now feeling tired . " Mom , guess what time I got up ? I got up at 7 : 57 ! " He paused for a second and then continued , " I mean , not 7 : 57 . It was 7 : 17 ! " When did you go to bed , Aaron ? " I turned my light off at 11 : 23 ! " The precise world of Aaron . I would expect no less . We also know all about the literal world of Aaron , which he hilariously demonstrated in this conversation : " Mom , Paradigm has a janitor now . I didn 't know they hired a janitor ! " And I teasingly replied , " Well , it 's because of all you messy people . " With a straight face , Aaron said , " No , she doesn 't clean people . She cleans tables and floors . " He did not understand my laughter , which made it even funnier . More talking , all the while eating . . . . . . . . . . or should I say cramming . . . . . . . . . . . his huge bacon burger into his mouth . Finally , there lay on his plate the burger , the onions , the tomato , the lettuce , and the bacon . He continued to eat the bun smeared with ketchup and mayo , and then finished off each of the other items one by one . He saved the best til last . . . . . . . . the bacon . . . . . . . . . . . and proceeded to cut one of the pieces in half . I wondered why , and then he handed me one of the halves . " Here Mom . You can have half of my bacon . " Oh , how sweet . But I declined , begging fullness on my part , and so he happily shoved both halves in his mouth and finished off his meal . We drove through the car wash , where every aspect of every feature of the car wash was expounded by Aaron . . . . . . . . . . even up to bedtime last night . . . . . . . . . . . . every aspect , believe me . The dentist visit was next , where it was discovered that Aaron has a crack in his tooth . We remember when it happened not long ago at supper , where he was vigorously eating steak . Now we are hearing all about cracks in teeth , crowns on teeth , and the prospect of his next dental visit soon to come . Gary and I are just seeing dollar signs . Wal - Mart was the usual going here and going there and hearing all his observations about EVERYTHING . . . . . . . . . . . . do you know how much there is to talk about at Wal - Mart ? ? ! ! We left with his favorite non - flavor - bursting sour cream and onion Pringles . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheez - Its because we ran out because he ate them all . . . . . . . . . . . and a box of croissants . . . . . . . . . . of course . Driving home by the recently plowed farmer 's fields , he wondered why part of a field was bare . " Mom , why is there bald grass there ? " Bald grass ? " Yeah , there 's nothing in that field . It 's bald grass ! " As always , I 'm following Aaron and enjoying his language . . . . . . . . . . . . but agreeing with what he had said previously at Chili 's . " Mom , I clapped at Paradigm one day and the janitor told me that I need to take a chill pill . Why did I need to have that ? " Oh Aaron , if only there was such a thing as a chill pill ! There are times that if you didn 't take one . . . . . . . . . . . . . I would ! ! ! Yesterday when Gary and I left church we ran a couple of errands . We also decided to eat lunch at Olive Garden . I 've just returned from a week at camp , so the time alone with Gary was very nice . I really enjoyed our lunch . . . . . . . . the good food , uninterrupted conversation , and just time alone with my husband . Later in the day , Aaron was hungry and asked if he could have some Taco Bell . He and I jumped in the car while Gary was watering some new grass . Aaron and I stopped to throw some newspapers in the recycling bin , pick up a prescription , and finally ended up at the Taco Bell drive - through to buy his supper . Aaron wanted to know if I was getting any food , but I told him that I wasn 't really hungry . On the drive home , Aaron asked why I didn 't buy any Taco Bell food . I again told him that I wasn 't hungry . I felt like I knew where this conversation was headed . Aaron was pondering about why I wasn 't hungry . He was wondering what I had eaten and when I had eaten that would cause me to not be hungry at this time of day . I wasn 't trying to hide anything from Aaron , necessarily , but I just didn 't want to make a big deal out of the fact that Gary and I had eaten out . . . . . . . . . . without Aaron . Therein lies the problem . . . . . . . . . . we ate out without Aaron . And sure enough , as Aaron and I played a game of Skip - Bo before bed , Aaron brought the subject up again . " Mom , at Taco Bell , why didn 't you get food ? " I repeated to him that I wasn 't hungry , even as I knew that now we would face this issue head on . Aaron continued to probe . " Did you eat ? " I told him that I had indeed eaten . And he asked , " So what did you eat ? " I 'm not going to lie , and therefore I told him that his dad and I had eaten lunch out . " Where did you eat ? " he wanted to know . Funny how I was feeling like a delinquent teenager who had to give an account to his parents for going somewhere that he should not have gone . Feeling badly now , I told Aaron that we had gone to eat at Olive Garden . He then gave me a look that touched my heart . And his words . . . . . . . . . oh my ! " You should have told me . I would have gone . Didn 't you want me ? " Stabs of guilt pierced my heart . Aaron 's shoulders slumped some , and I was initially feeling miserable at this turn in his mood and this sadness when he spoke . " Oh Aaron , " I assured him , " Your dad and I would have loved to have you go with us . It 's not that we didn 't want you . . . . . . . but sometimes Dad and I need time together , too . " Aaron seemed to accept this explanation , and his mood lifted as we continued to play Skip - Bo and talk about other things . He had no idea of how badly I felt . . . . . . . . . how conflicted . This conflict is one that any parent of a special needs child feels , especially an " adult child " that can put two and two together enough to know when he is being left out . For this is how Aaron sees this situation . He is simple in his thinking and very egocentric . He is being left out of an event that he loves . . . . . . . . . eating out . . . . . . . . . . . . . with people that he loves to be with . He doesn 't understand the relationship of husband and wife . He doesn 't understand or care about the fact that Gary and I relish some time to be alone and to be " normal . " Gary and I both have to balance our own relationship against that of our relationship with Aaron . This is paramount for any couple with children , and I believe especially important for those who parent special children who take so much time and energy . Gary and I are in a place in life when parents are typically experiencing empty nests . I 've written about that before ( Our Nest ) . We don 't know how long we will have Aaron at home with us . We do know that Aaron is smart enough to piece together that we went to a restaurant without him when we could have taken him . We do know that Aaron feels hurt about being left out . We do know that Aaron knows how to make us feel guilty , whether intentional or not . And we do know that we must not let this guilt rob us of our relationship with each other . We can explain these issues to Aaron and we can assure him of our love , but we must never sacrifice our bond in an effort to always include Aaron . There 's a balance to be kept on both sides . It would be wrong for Gary and I to be so absorbed in each other that we neglected Aaron . Likewise , it would be equally wrong to be so taken up with Aaron and his needs that we neglected our own time and growth together . Thankfully , neither Gary nor I are ones that feel a need for constant attention or big trips together or going out every weekend . A dinner alone here several times a week is a respite for us , a time to recharge and converse and connect . It 's really a matter of the mind more than anything . And sometimes those mind games can be very tricky . I refuse to feel guilty for enjoying time alone with my husband . . . . . . . . . time without Aaron . Time without listening to him talk of his latest movie , of something he has read , of what someone said , of the weather , of what time he went to bed and what time he got up , of global warming , of icebergs , of what food he 's eaten , of cavemen , of the legend of the trash men or the legend of the beagles , of the medium window he broke . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I could go on and on just like Aaron does ! I just returned home yesterday from a week at our church youth camp down in Davis , Oklahoma . I 'm one of the cooks . The week is full of laughter , fellowship with my cooking buddies , hugs from the youth , sore feet , and many special memories that are made . This is our fourth year of camp , and each year I 'm so grateful to Gary for making it possible for me to go . Sometimes he has taken vacation the week I am gone , or Andrea has been here to help with things . This year Gary did not take vacation and Andrea is no longer living here . Aaron was able to handle his mornings just fine , though . He knows the routine for the couple hours that he was here before his day group staff , Cody , picked him up . There was one morning that wasn 't too smooth , though . On Wednesday , Aaron was apparently throwing his back scratcher down the stairs like a Frisbee , he said . We 're not exactly certain how it all happened , but the small window in the door broke . Aaron ended up calling Gary , who came home from work to help clean up the mess . Thankfully things worked out fine and hopefully Aaron learned a lesson . Probably not , but we can still hope . Usually when I 'm gone , Aaron will call my cell phone repeatedly . . . . . . . . . . . . but this time , I didn 't hear from Aaron all week . Until Friday afternoon . Aaron was still at his day group and Krysten let him borrow her cell phone . . . . . . . . . . . I hope she let him borrow it . He 's been known to help himself to phones . Anyway , my phone rang and I knew when I saw the name on the phone that it was probably Aaron . I answered anyway . And was I surprised ! " Mom ! I miss you ! ! " Wow ! Was this Aaron ? Or just someone who sounded like Aaron ? Usually when I answer the phone , even when I 've been gone , he launches right into some grand story without saying anything personal at all . So I responded , " Aw , Aaron , I 've missed you too ! " He chuckled , unsure of how to accept those words . " So Mom , when are you coming home ? " " I 'm coming home tomorrow , Aaron ! " And he quickly asked , " What time ? " It 's very important for Aaron to have details . Tomorrow has many hours and he feels a need to know the time . I told him that I wasn 't exactly sure , but that didn 't work . " But what time ? " he asked again . So I told him an approximate time . He was content with that . Then I fully expected a food question , but he went on to tell me about his day at the movies . . . . . . . . . . . . . and eventually , he got the dreaded Wednesday morning incident off his chest . I told him that I knew about that . We talked about not throwing things , etc . And he asked , " But don 't you throw a Frisbee ? " Dad told me about the medium window , Aaron . As we talked he was feeling relieved , I 'm sure , to have this conversation out in the open before I came home . We finished talking as I told him that I had to go . And the next day , just as soon as I walked into the house , I heard him lumbering up the stairs . He had video game codes on his mind and didn 't give me a hug right away , but finally at Gary 's reminder , Aaron gave me a sideways Aaron hug . And soon after that , he asked the question he had been saving all along . Saturday morning I decided to run Aaron down to Great Clips for a much needed hair cut . I hoped that we would beat the crowd , and thankfully we did . As the worker there looked Aaron 's name up on the computer , I realized she was glancing nervously at Aaron . The hair dresser who would cut his hair and trim his beard also had the same reaction . Oh brother ! It always amazes me how I can tell in just a few seconds whether someone will " get " Aaron or not . I was fairly certain that these two girls were in the " not " category . I was right . Aaron was delighted that he didn 't even have to sit in a chair to wait for his turn . " Here Mom ! " he said as he took his glasses off and handed them to me . Then he took his treasured ring off is finger for me to also hold . Good grief ! I was wondering if his shirt was next ! Those nervous girls were taking it all in , becoming even more nervous . I smiled . Just be yourself , Aaron . Yet Aaron can also sense when someone doesn 't understand him , so he was very quiet . The girl didn 't engage him in any conversation whatsoever while she quickly cut his hair and trimmed his goatee . Her loss , for sure . We were both glad to escape and head on over to Dillons for a few groceries . I was checking out the cantalopes and Aaron spied the artichokes . He quickly grabbed one and loudly said , " Mom ! Remember these ? " He was so happy with his find that I just had to snap a picture and laugh with him at this most unusual vegetable that he has always loved . Always , always , Aaron loves the unusual . He IS unusual , so it fits ! Up another aisle , Aaron was once again amazed at his find . Cactus in a jar ! Another exclamation and another picture , and something to talk about for the entire weekend . His day group will no doubt hear all about it today , too . Later , as I stood in an aisle visiting with a neighbor , Aaron was spying all the wonderful finds in the meat department . I had one eye on him and one on my neighbor , who smiled as Aaron brought me some Brats to examine , another package of yet different brats , and then I heard , " Ewwwww ! ! " Of course , he found a Leg of Lamb that really did look like a leg of a lamb . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and this was indeed a great discovery of grossness to pick up and show us ! I leave with our church group today for camp , where I and my buddies will don our camp cook aprons . I 'll miss Aaron and his enthusiasm . I will not miss his whacks on the back or thumps on the head . Last night as I told him goodbye and goodnight , and was closing his door , he said , " Goodnight Sweetie ! " That 's Aaron for you ! Aaron bounded in the door today and saw me in the kitchen right away . " Mom ! I ate two large buttered popcorns at the theater . . . . . . and a Twizzlers . . . . . . . . . . and I have acid now ! " So started another " Aaron is home ! " moment . . . . . . . . . . . . or a couple hours , actually . He seemed even more talkative than usual today , if that 's even possible . So many subjects . . . . . . . . . . so much to say . . . . . . . . . . and he doesn 't care how much time it takes . He was very excited that one of his day program staff 's children came to his day group today , and that they brought their little dog . At least I think the people that came were Barb 's children . " Mom , Barb 's sister was at Paradigm today . Or was it her child ? " I asked how old this person was and Aaron said she was young , or maybe a teenager , so I told Aaron that this girl must have been Barb 's daughter . He continued to talk about the little dog and the daughter ( I think ) , and then paused and asked , " So is she her child ? Or sister child ? " You know , Aaron 's family tree must have lots of twists and turns ! Where would you put a sister child ? I went to pay for some repairs on Gary 's truck , and then to go get Gary at work . Aaron wanted to ride along . . . . . . . . . and talk . . . . . . . . . . talk . . . . . . . . . . . talk . . . . . . . . . As we walked into the service center , I told Aaron to be quiet . I walked up to the counter and one of the mechanics was on the phone , bent over at the counter talking and so of course didn 't acknowledge us . Aaron stood there about 5 seconds , and then said , " Hey ! " Aaron ! ! He 's on the phone ! I said to be quiet ! So Aaron decided that being quiet didn 't mean to not speak , but it meant that he could speak . . . . . . . . . . . . in a whisper . He whispered , " Well , I was trying to get his attention . " And I found myself whispering back , " He can 't talk to us when he 's on the phone . " The manager came out then and waited on us , and as I was taking care of the bill , Aaron was still making his whispered comments . " Mom , " he said in his hushed tone , " those are some big tires on the wall . " " Yes , they are , " I whispered back . Good grief ! Why was I whispering , too ? I felt like we were in a library or a funeral home ! The manager smiled and I explained that I had told Aaron to be quiet and I paid as we had a nice normal , unwhispered conversation , and we left before Aaron tried to get anyone else 's attention . He doesn 't have to work hard at that , believe me ! As we drove and as we waited on Gary later , Aaron had lots to tell me . Remember how I talked about Aaron and his way of trying to figure out where people are from ? Today he said , " Mom , there 's a staff at Paradigm named Boo . . . . . " and Aaron proceeded to tell me something that Boo had said . I was still back on that name . I have no idea if that 's his name or how it 's spelled , but Aaron insisted that his name is Boo . And of course Aaron had to add , speaking of Boo , " He 's a Spanish kind of way . . . . . . . . . . or Chinese , Korean , or Japanese . " Oh brother . . . . . . . . . . here we go again ! I am not listening anymore ! He talked about our Great Dane not listening to him . Aaron 's right . . . . . . . . . . Jackson doesn 't listen to or obey Aaron . Much like me . And Aaron said , " Is Jackson dumb ? " I reminded him that Jackson is certainly not dumb , and that I 've told him not to say that he 's dumb . I told Aaron that sometimes Jackson is stubborn , but not dumb . So Aaron asked , " Well , is being stubborn a reason to say he 's dumb ? " Speaking of stubborn . . . . . . . . . . . . . This morning I told about how Aaron was talking about Gary living on a farm when he was young . I don 't know what it is , but Aaron keeps going on and on about farms . We were driving home and Aaron pointed up to a housing area . " Mom , have you been in that neighborhood ? It 's a farm area ! " Well , look Aaron . . . . . . . . . . . . we 're home now ! See you later ! I need to finish supper . Alone , I thought to myself . Please let it be alone for at least a few minutes . My head was full of all his chattering and whispering and questioning . But my mouth had a smile , too , because with Aaron there is always something to learn or to laugh about or to understand or to see in a different way . And the fun memory of turning our music up loud in the van and holding our hands up in the peace sign as we bounced to the music , with Aaron laughing and saying , " I hope there 's no policeman around ! " Me too , Aaron , me too . I can only imagine what Aaron would tell him before I told him to whisper ! P . S . Aaron just came downstairs to tell Gary about Barb 's family that came to Paradigm with the little dog . He was once again struggling with the relationship . " Mom ! They were Barb 's teenager children , right ? Or her brother and sister ? " Is there a Relatives 101 course I could enroll him in , I wonder ? Aaron has always been greatly interested in the fact that during part of Gary 's childhood , he lived in the country on a small farm . They had a garden , of course . . . . . . . . . . . . nearly everyone did . And they had some animals . . . . . . . . . some chickens , a few cows . . . . . . . . . you know , just a nice country setting in the mountains of North Carolina . Every now and then , Aaron will talk once more about Dad living on a farm when he was young . He wants to know what it was like , what animals they had , what did they grow , etc . In fact , just the other night at supper he was talking about it once again . He just really is fascinated with that aspect of Gary 's life . And I had to explain the difference in being a small farmer and being a big farmer , wondering all along why this subject holds so much interest for Aaron . I guess he just can 't imagine his Dad hanging out with cows , or pigs , or chickens . As if to prove my point , Aaron then asked , " Mom , did Dad have roosters ? " I allowed myself a loud cackle at that statement ! So funny ! Aaron reminded me that Aunt Sandra 's neighbor has roosters and that they are TOO loud in the mornings ! So we need to see if before our next trip home , someone can straighten up those rooster 's morning behavior ! Get on it , Sandra ! I am the mother of three adult children . Our oldest child , Aaron , has both Epilepsy and Asperger 's Syndrome ( high - functioning autism ) . Aaron is now 30 years old and still lives at home with my husband and me . Aaron is really very funny , when he 's not being very aggravating , and I love to share the humor and the joy of living with an adult child with autism . Sometimes I share the frustrations and struggles , too . Interspersed throughout are devotional thoughts that come while I garden and just live my daily life . It 's a journey ! |
went to my spot at the top of the stairs and looked down waiting for somepup to start climbing . Then the wind began to blow , the ground shook under my feet , birds flew out of the trees , the Bridge itself swung like it was caught in a mighty breeze . Then I heard the cries from the mortal side , like thunder in the distant , but high pitched , and mourning . " No ? " " Why ? " " Please don 't let it be true ! " I did not know patted me on the head . " It 's OK Foley . I know there is great sadness on the mortal side . I know my Dad 's heart is broken . So is mine . But told him I hadn 't noticed him climbing the stairs . " Oh I didn 't have to . A hand picked my up and carried me here . " I had never heard of such a thing . But then I remember . He was Tommy Tunes . He and his Dad told him I needed to swear him in but he said it wasn 't necessary . When you are a dog as well known for his good deeds as he was there is no swearing in process . Of course I was sworn in , but that 's cool . Tommy did so much . hope the people who run DS know that . Tommy was exclusively on DS . No Facebook , Tanner Brigade , or any other site . He was like Streisand playing Vegas . You wanted to see him you needed to go to one place : DS . As someone said before he was Doggyspace . More than Zuckerberg is Facebook . The biggest reason to check DS everyday is now on the immortal side of life . ( Then again I have been here for 14 months and written more than John Grisham in that time . ) told Tommy that the next step was for him to get fitted for his wings . Suddenly they popped out of his back . " No fitting needed , " he said . " They said they have had them ready for years . They are outlined with gold because of the wonderful love I shared on Earth , how are your wings ? " I tucked my plain wings further behind me and smiled , then changed the subject telling him we should go to his cloud . both flew up to it . I had never seen a first time angel fly so gracefully . He was headed to the biggest cloud in the sky . I tried to catch up to tell him those were off limits , but he flew through the cloud and into the most expansive mansion I had ever seen . I landed next to him . " Tommy , I don 't think we should be here , " I said . I saw the big oil painting of him and his father over the mantle and I knew he was in the right place . My claws tapped on the marble floor . I rubbed against the silk curtains . Tommy went around the corner and said " cool " then came back with some freshly popped pop corn . He gave me some . " How big is your pop corn popper ? " he asked . big , real big , " I said nodding . Actually it was a microwave I got at Sears . On the opposite wall from the painting was the largest wide screen television I had ever seen . Before he became engrossed watching something I suggested we go down to the river , look in the waves , and watch his Dad and Freddie Girl . I don 't need to do that , " he said . He nosed the remote and turned on the TV . A live view of his Dad sitting with Freddie Girl came on . Tommy sighed deeply and put his head between his paws . A slight tear fell from his eye . It was very moving but I could not get past my jealousy that I had a small screen TV and had to go down to the river to see my loved ones in the waves . I heard his doorbell . It sounded like church bells ringing . I didn 't move to answer . There must be a butler . But no one came and I told Tommy I would get the door . When I answered it I felt like such a fool . This was why Tommy lived in the most special place at the Bridge with so many privileges , this is why his Dad will join him here someday , was Gina Busch and Pepsi . For those who don 't know Gina was Freddie Girl 's first Mom who crossed the river after getting cancer ( Pepsi had preceded her a few weeks earlier . ) Gina ran across the marble floor to the couch where she kissed Tommy over and over again , thanking him for saving Freddie Girl , and Pepsi , who gave me a lick ( we see each other almost every day ) went over and gave Tommy a big hug too . Then the three no longer felt any jealousy over Tommy 's reward . He deserved all of it , and more , for Freddie , for friendship , for love , for humor , for caring , for being a brother to a thousand dogs . I slipped out of the house and went back to my modest , clean , well lit cloud , pulled out my decree pad and did something not even Tommy could do . I wrote out an order that all humans must follow , on DS , I am creating a group called the DS Hall of Fame and the first dog inducted will be Tommy Tunes . I will let the humans work out how they want to nominate and vote on other members but I ask that they let time pass first . Tommy should be the only member for a few months . It is only fitting , because he was the Babe Ruth , the Beatles , Michael Jordan , and Joe Montana of DS , all rolled into one . . Dear Aunt Foley : What the hell ? So one Dad makes a minor mistake and a dog steps into a grate and now all Dads are bad dog parents ? I know lots of Dads who are great dog parents , and are raising their dogs on their own . I think you owe them an apology or you are going to get the reputation as an anti - Daddite - Katie Dear Katie : Oh boy , I really opened a can of garlic with my last Ask Aunt Foley . I certainly did not mean to dismiss the love and care that so many Dads give their dogs . There is such a long list of great Dads I could not list them here but they include your Dad , Reese 's Dad , Hobo 's Dad , Tommy Tunes ' Dad , Leo 's Dad , Stamford 's Dad , and even my own Dad . Just from my own experience I can tell you how great Dads are . Daddy took me for my walks , got up with me in the middle of the night when I needed to go outside , cleaned up my accidents , snuggled with me , played with me , and treated me like his little princess . And most of all he takes care of my Mom and works to make the kibble . How was your weekend ? Mine was pretty crappy , most of it coming out of my butt . And it was crappy for Mommy and Daddy who became very worried about what was coming out of my butt . Heck it was even crappy for River who , for the first time in her life was thrust into the role of caring sister , and did a good job . As many of you know , I am a very nervous dog . When I get nervous things in my lower end turn to liquid , and when it does I become like a leaky faucet , if your faucet was hooked up to the sewer line . Last Wednesday Mommy and Daddy rearranged the living room so their chairs were closer together and Mommy was facing the TV without having to turn her cranky neck . There was some , what I would term tension between Mommy and Daddy over cleaning the floors , and that tension turned my bottom end innards to water . This lasted a couple of days . On Sunday Mommy turned on the stove to make Daddy breakfast . I hate the stove . It 's electric and it beeps . Last year one of our smoke alarms began beeping and I didn 't react well at all . Ever since then I have been very sensitive to beeping sounds . On Sunday the stove beeping sent me over the edge turning everything in my body to liquid . It started out as my normal nervous diarrhea but my system was so sensitive that everything in me wanted to come out . Then something happened that scared my Mom very much . I was straining so hard that cherry red blood started to drip out of me . It felt like my entire insides was throbbing . Mommy and Daddy googled what to do and saw : PANIC ! so they did . They called the emergency vet who told them to keep an eye on me , that I wasn 't in any imminent danger , and to take me to my usual vet in the morning . I still had the runs at night , but the blood stopped . And it is here that I have to give a shout out to my sister . At 2 : 30 AM I woke up and had to poo . I got out of bed , went to the pee pads , and left a poo puddle . I am too small to jump into bed so all I could do was just sit on the floor and look sad . River saw me , woke Daddy up , and he picked me up and brought me back to bed . So thank you River , that was very sweet of you In the morning we were off to the vet first thing . I wasn 't crazy about this because I got my appetite back but I knew it would make Mommy and Daddy feel better if I went to the vet . I soon regretted it . I got a thermostat up the butt and had a slight fever . Then the vet took me away and stuck a needle in me for blood . Finally the vet gave me a shot to make me feel better and told my nervous parents she would call the next day with the lab results . This morning the vet called to say my bloodwork came back normal and she thinks I suffer from stress colitis . With medication I should be back to my normal self in a few days . Mommy and Daddy are not going to give me any mediation for my nervous condition but try to treat it naturally by keeping me out of stressful situations , thunder shirt , and some natural remedies . . So dinner time means walks time ( or a drive if it 's raining . ) I knew this day was coming . As I have written before all dogs have only so many heartbeats , and they are never enough . I knew Max 's song was ending soon . His brother 's arrival two weeks before was a terrible shock but Max … . well , he was expected . And now he was coming . When I got to the top of the stairway leading from the Bridge his brother Tupper was already there . He silently nodded at me . He was being a good angel , observing proper protocol , but I promptly broke it , gave him a hug , and licked a tear from beneath his eye . Max waited to be sworn in , which I did quickly , and then he had Tupper hugged . " How is Mommy ? " Tupper asked . Max just sadly shook his head . They hugged again and there were more tears than even my curved tongue could clean . They let go of one another and Max asked what was expected of him next . There were wings to be fitted , a cloud to be found , the reams of unnecessary paper work to be filled out , but that could wait . I motioned them over to a tree so we could sit and talk . " There is a story about the dutch boy who saw a hole in the dyke . The dyke was filled with water . If the hole wasn 't fixed the town would flood . So he put his finger in the dyke stopping the flood . Us dogs , we are the finger , and the water , that 's all the pain and suffering in the world , and our Moms are the town , and when we are gone all that pain and suffering overwhelms them . " The brothers thought this over . " Or like in the Catcher in the Rye . You know how Holden wanted to catch the kids before they fell off the ledge . We are like that with our Moms , " Max said . " Jesus Christ ! " I said , stunned . Then realized my mistake and said " No , no Jesus Christ , not paging Jesus Christ . Cancelling the page . " " I don 't think my Mom would change having my in her life for anything , " Raider said . " I know how much she loved me and I felt terrible when I left her . We were both sobbing . Plus your Moms were lucky , they had other dogs , my Mom is all alone . " We sadly thought about this . There is nothing worse than being a dogless Mom . I suggested we go down to the River of Life . When we got there Raider caught his Mom in a wave and he pawed at her , then lay down on the grass and let out a soft whimper . I sighed . " I went to see this play , " I said . " It was by some guy named Shakespeare . He is writing plays for dogs now . He says they are much easier to work with than humans . In the play he said it is better to have love and lost a dog than to never have loved a dog before . I think he 's right . " " We can 't fix their broken hearts , " I , the most experienced said . " I don 't know if you were alive on September 11 , 2001 but bad men knocked down two big buildings in New York . Those big buildings , like our Mom 's heart , could never be replaced , but they built a great big strong building where it once was . When your Mom is ready , you will help her find a new dog . It won 't help replace the destroyed building that is your Mom 's heart , but the new dog will help her build a new strong building there . People admire the new building , but never forget the old . " I gave him a pat on his head . " She will . She is a wonderful dog Mom . One of the best . And there are so many dogs out there who need a good home . When she 's ready you will connect them , and they will start to rebuild their new tower of love . Then some day she will join you here but until then there are millions of things to do here , so many things you can 't even imagine , and you will love all of them . " " To keep us from thinking about how much we miss our [ parents . " All three dogs nodded , then Tupper took Max with him to show him their new cloud and meet some old friends . Radar , who I befriended the first day I joined Doggyspace , stayed near me . Even though he was a New York dog he was a big Red Sox fan and he asked me , since we were angels , if we could fix them . Dear Aunt Foley : The other day I was on a walk with my Dad . I was doing my usual walk stuff , looking around , sniffing , turning my head at any sound . Like all dogs we trust our humans to watch where we are going . Unfortunately Daddy wasn 't really paying attention to where we were walking and he took me over a stormdrain . My leg went right through one of the rectangular drains and then I fell sideways . My Daddy had to lift me out . Whose fault was this ? Clint Dear Clint : For generations us dogs roamed the world without a leash carefully watching every step and we never fell in a grate and got stuck . Then we got our calling to become man 's angels and we moved in with them . Man , being genetically mistrusting , put a rope on us so we didn 't run away from them . Once that happened we made a pact with them . We would let them put the leash on us and walk us but they had to watch where we were going . We would spend our time smelling the flowers , looking at the sky , checking out any vermin that needed chasing and any old friends who may be outside . Well your father went and broke that agreement when he let you fall in the drain . It was his duty to make sure you did not get stuck . I think there is only one thing that can be done here . You Dad needs to put on a leash and look around while you hold the leash in your mouth . Then we can see what you guide him to to leave him with a hurt leg . Aran 's problems started as quietly as a summer cold : A few sneezes , watery eyes , those things we expect to pass with time . Even though he was eating and playing as usual his condition didn 't pass in time and it made his Mom scared and worried . Being a Mom of great experience she sensed Aran was acting more clingy than usual . As his Mom so eloquently said " The worst part of being a pet parent is that you can 't ask them what 's wrong . " The news from the vet was worse than expected . It was neither allergies or a cold , but an indentation in her head . Indentation in your head is not a diagnoses anyone , human or pup , wants to hear . Somehow Aran was losing muscle around her skull due to nerve damage and one eyes was smaller than the other . What such a diagnosis means is " we don 't know what 's wrong , more testing is needed " and that sucks . Aran was given an ointment for her eyes and several pricks so the vet could get some blood . The vet told her Mom the best thing to do was to look Aran in the eye . If she had trouble blinking or if her eye became swollen more extensive tests would be needed and , like most of us , when it comes to bad things , we don 't want anything that might be needed . During all the pricking , prodding and pushing Aran was a very good girl . She even let a bright light be shined in her eyes . She was such a good girl I think it added to the prayers us angels rushed up the mountain to the big guy . When the blood and urine work came back everything was good but she was diagnosed with unilateral massetera . The poor baby got diagnosed with something none of us angels had ever heard of . She was experiencing muscle loss due to nerve damage and is going to have to see a neurologist . Her Mom is hoping the ointment for her eyes will stops the itching but at some point an expensive MRI , more tests and more bills will be on the way . Dear Aunt Foley : Last Wednesday I was in the kitchen , minding my own business . There was a roasted chicken on the dining room table . That chicken must not have been all the way dead because it got up and walked off the table then fell on the floor . I know dead chickens should not be walking around on the floor so I picked it up in my mouth and killed it for sure . Then Mom and Grandmom came in , found the chicken in my mouth , and blamed me for knocking the chicken off the table . How do I prove my innocence ? - Paco Dear Paco : Oh your Mom and your Grandmom owe you a big apology . I have heard of these things before and know what happened . The chicken was dead , but it came back to life . What your Mom had on her dining room table was a zombie chicken . Zombie chickens are very dangerous . A zombie chicken ankle bite can be deadly for a human . I must admit most dogs I know would have run away and hid but not you Paco . You picked up the zombie chicken , shook it , and killed it . And what thanks did you get ? But for the rest of us we would like to thank you for your selfless act . You very well could have saved us all . I ask all my friends on the mortal side of the Bridge to check any chicken brought into the house and if it smells like juicy chicken it is probably zombie chicken so get it in your mouth and kill it immediately . Once the mainstream media begins covering the zombie chicken crises you will be thanked . Here at the Village of the Pruned it is rather cramped . We have about five feet of property on either side of us , someone living behind us , and a road in front of us . We don 't mind at all , especially since before we lived here we lived in a condo where humans pass by our window causing us a great deal of unrest and barking . Until this week . We have two big fern trees in our yard and this week I was sure there was something hiding under them . My suspicions were further raised when I saw the remnants of one of my bird friends , nothing but feathers . I suspected we had a cat infiltration . That 's when I saw it , hidden deep under the tree , a kitty ! I barked and it took off running around the house . I gave as much chase as a Yorkie on a retractable leash can , and it beat it 's little paws out of my yard . She had a seizure that may have been caused by heat stroke . I flew up with the prayers requests and , by the time I got back I learned those prayers were answered because Daisy was improving . But then I got another … . . request . It came from Hattie Mae . Hattie doesn 't pray so much as she issues demands and her demand was that she be able to check on her friend Daisy . While both their Moms are on the Internet they weren 't on sites that connected . I didn 't take this one to the big guy . If you think I get upset at him you haven 't seen anything like Hattie Mae . I relied on my friends Lily and Ben and thanks to them Daisy and Hattie has a wonderful reunion . He had contracted a disease that caused his immune system to attack his own blood cells . He went through a very dire time but thanks your prayers his vet was able to get his blood levels normal enough so he could go home . He still needs prayers : His immune system became compromised when the doctors stopped it from killing his blood cells , and he picked up an infection , but he is home , with his Mom , and is getting better . There were lots of prayers for Apple this week . He got a bad case of tummy trouble and womited all over the house . With some dietary changes ( no more beef or fish which were affecting his liver issues ) he is back to eating and digesting normally . He had not eaten for several days and was very lethargic . Apollo and I brought the prayers up to the Big Guy directly . When we flew down we found out that Czar would be OK , and we could not help but remark on the irony of miracles . When I first met Apollo he had been poisoned by some evil neighbors . Luckily he recovered . Czar Bishop had been poisoned too , this time accidentally . A farmer friend of Czar 's family had used boron to aid his chick pea crop . He then fed the chick peas to the turkeys and the turkey to Czar Bishop who got boron poisoning . The vet flushed the boron from his system and prayers are needed that Czar Bishop 's kidneys were not permanently damaged . I even had to ask for prayers for Pocket because she has an upset tummy . Mommy asked me special to pray for her . I told her that Pocket has tummy trouble when butterflies startle her and she will recover without prayers . But she 's my Mom so I flew up the mountain and apologized to the big guy with my small prayer request . " Yes , last night alone I got 785 , 327 prayers about an exhibition football game . Sorry , not my department . And neither is who will win a reality television show , although I must say that Zach from Big Brother is a tremendous tool and I have thought about smotting hin and I haven 't smotted since Moses 's time . Now run along , and remember how many times I have answered your prayers in the affirmative . I wasn 't friends with Barnum when I was on the mortal side of life despite the fact that he lives closer to me than all other dogs on the Internet . My Mom and Dad , with River and Pocket , got to meet Barnum and his sibling Bailey at Miss Laura 's house last fall and they all had a delightful time . I was quite jealous that I did not get to meet them . Now I don 't want to meet him at the Bridge for a long time . I am trying to use that to Barnum 's advantage . I told the big guy that I never met Barnum 's acquataince on Earth and did not wish to do so now . I said I just didn 't like the cut of his jib although I am quite sure he has a perfectly lovely jib . It was a desperate measure but I thought the situation called for it . But again I was dismissed with a wave of the hand . I recently celebrated my second birthday . I would like to thank everyone who made it a special day . I am so lucky to have such great friends . I got a spa day on my birthday and got to party with the Griffons at the groomers . They are always fun . But there is something most unwelcome that comes with each birthday . The trip to the vet . It was a normal Thursday . Daddy put Pocket in her crate and Mommy picked me up . We went outside and got into the car . Knowing my birthday was coming up I was thinking : Ice cream ? Dog park ? Hamburger ? We drove into the vet 's parking lot . I had only been here once and I vaguely remembered it . I was sniffing for ice cream and thought I got a whiff of anti - septic ice cream but when I got inside I knew there would be no ice cream . The first thing they did was weigh me . I have been taught by Foley that whenever I am being forced to do something don 't cooperate under any circumstances . When I got on the scale I got a severe case of wiggle butt . So I weigh anywhere between five and 11 pounds . Then I was brought into an examining room . Mommy held me close to her and whispered nice things in my ear . When you are home that means she loves you . When are are somewhere else that means she 's nervous and you are about to get screwed . A side door opened and the screwer came in . She was a nice woman with a white lab coat They put me on a tiny , shiny table and at first I thought everything would be OK . She held me and rubbed me checking me over . She looked at my eyes and teeth and she put some soft round thing on my chest to make sure it was beating . And then she went behind me and HEY THERE ! " It 's just a little prick , " the vet said . I remembered the last time I heard that I ended up with a litter of puppies . I tried to get off the table but an assistant grabbed me ( the enforcer ) while my Mommy sweetly told to me cooperate ( my pimp ) while I received two more little pricks from the vet ( my john . ) Then I was done , it took less than two minutes . It was all very familiar , and very unpleasant . A few days later I had my birthday filled with wonderful friends wishing me well and it made everything I went through worth it and I want to thank all my friends who made my birthday wonderful . Dear Aunt Foley : This week my Dad took me into the gigantic water container they have in their backyard for some unknown reason . They put this jacket on me , and then Daddy held me while I splashed around . What 's up with that ? - Scooter . Dear Scooter : When I was a younger dog I thought the large water container was an emergency stash for the zombie apocalypse because everyone knows that when zombies strike they hit the water department first to sap our vital resources ( and if they don 't they should because it 's a wicked good plan . ) But then I wondered why they would assume the zombies would only attack between June and September and cover the water container up the rest of the time . That 's when it came to me , they used to pool to cool off when the weather got hot . Actually it is a pretty good idea , as I think it must be very expensive to build an ocean outside your house . I am sure humans love it . And , like all things that humans love , they want to share it with us ( unless it is alcohol or chocolate , the two forbidden zones . ) So you got to go in the pool . I am sure it was very scary at first especially for tiny dogs like us who aren 't very good at pushing off the bottom of the pool and rising to the top . But your parents knew that so they put the jacket on you so you can float . It is very much what it 's like to be up here with the angels flying from cloud to cloud . So the pool is a little bit of heaven on Earth . Except it 's a lot wetter . And you are basically swimming around in a pool of human filth . But you do get to be with them , it 's safe , it 's fun , and you get to cool off on a hot day . This page was founded in 2007 by Foley Monster . She was joined by her sister Pocket Dog . In 2013 Foley took a job as a Judge at Rainbow Bridge where she continues to blog . The newest family member , River Song joined us a short time later |
went to my spot at the top of the stairs and looked down waiting for somepup to start climbing . Then the wind began to blow , the ground shook under my feet , birds flew out of the trees , the Bridge itself swung like it was caught in a mighty breeze . Then I heard the cries from the mortal side , like thunder in the distant , but high pitched , and mourning . " No ? " " Why ? " " Please don 't let it be true ! " I did not know patted me on the head . " It 's OK Foley . I know there is great sadness on the mortal side . I know my Dad 's heart is broken . So is mine . But told him I hadn 't noticed him climbing the stairs . " Oh I didn 't have to . A hand picked my up and carried me here . " I had never heard of such a thing . But then I remember . He was Tommy Tunes . He and his Dad told him I needed to swear him in but he said it wasn 't necessary . When you are a dog as well known for his good deeds as he was there is no swearing in process . Of course I was sworn in , but that 's cool . Tommy did so much . hope the people who run DS know that . Tommy was exclusively on DS . No Facebook , Tanner Brigade , or any other site . He was like Streisand playing Vegas . You wanted to see him you needed to go to one place : DS . As someone said before he was Doggyspace . More than Zuckerberg is Facebook . The biggest reason to check DS everyday is now on the immortal side of life . ( Then again I have been here for 14 months and written more than John Grisham in that time . ) told Tommy that the next step was for him to get fitted for his wings . Suddenly they popped out of his back . " No fitting needed , " he said . " They said they have had them ready for years . They are outlined with gold because of the wonderful love I shared on Earth , how are your wings ? " I tucked my plain wings further behind me and smiled , then changed the subject telling him we should go to his cloud . both flew up to it . I had never seen a first time angel fly so gracefully . He was headed to the biggest cloud in the sky . I tried to catch up to tell him those were off limits , but he flew through the cloud and into the most expansive mansion I had ever seen . I landed next to him . " Tommy , I don 't think we should be here , " I said . I saw the big oil painting of him and his father over the mantle and I knew he was in the right place . My claws tapped on the marble floor . I rubbed against the silk curtains . Tommy went around the corner and said " cool " then came back with some freshly popped pop corn . He gave me some . " How big is your pop corn popper ? " he asked . big , real big , " I said nodding . Actually it was a microwave I got at Sears . On the opposite wall from the painting was the largest wide screen television I had ever seen . Before he became engrossed watching something I suggested we go down to the river , look in the waves , and watch his Dad and Freddie Girl . I don 't need to do that , " he said . He nosed the remote and turned on the TV . A live view of his Dad sitting with Freddie Girl came on . Tommy sighed deeply and put his head between his paws . A slight tear fell from his eye . It was very moving but I could not get past my jealousy that I had a small screen TV and had to go down to the river to see my loved ones in the waves . I heard his doorbell . It sounded like church bells ringing . I didn 't move to answer . There must be a butler . But no one came and I told Tommy I would get the door . When I answered it I felt like such a fool . This was why Tommy lived in the most special place at the Bridge with so many privileges , this is why his Dad will join him here someday , was Gina Busch and Pepsi . For those who don 't know Gina was Freddie Girl 's first Mom who crossed the river after getting cancer ( Pepsi had preceded her a few weeks earlier . ) Gina ran across the marble floor to the couch where she kissed Tommy over and over again , thanking him for saving Freddie Girl , and Pepsi , who gave me a lick ( we see each other almost every day ) went over and gave Tommy a big hug too . Then the three no longer felt any jealousy over Tommy 's reward . He deserved all of it , and more , for Freddie , for friendship , for love , for humor , for caring , for being a brother to a thousand dogs . I slipped out of the house and went back to my modest , clean , well lit cloud , pulled out my decree pad and did something not even Tommy could do . I wrote out an order that all humans must follow , on DS , I am creating a group called the DS Hall of Fame and the first dog inducted will be Tommy Tunes . I will let the humans work out how they want to nominate and vote on other members but I ask that they let time pass first . Tommy should be the only member for a few months . It is only fitting , because he was the Babe Ruth , the Beatles , Michael Jordan , and Joe Montana of DS , all rolled into one . . Dear Aunt Foley : What the hell ? So one Dad makes a minor mistake and a dog steps into a grate and now all Dads are bad dog parents ? I know lots of Dads who are great dog parents , and are raising their dogs on their own . I think you owe them an apology or you are going to get the reputation as an anti - Daddite - Katie Dear Katie : Oh boy , I really opened a can of garlic with my last Ask Aunt Foley . I certainly did not mean to dismiss the love and care that so many Dads give their dogs . There is such a long list of great Dads I could not list them here but they include your Dad , Reese 's Dad , Hobo 's Dad , Tommy Tunes ' Dad , Leo 's Dad , Stamford 's Dad , and even my own Dad . Just from my own experience I can tell you how great Dads are . Daddy took me for my walks , got up with me in the middle of the night when I needed to go outside , cleaned up my accidents , snuggled with me , played with me , and treated me like his little princess . And most of all he takes care of my Mom and works to make the kibble . How was your weekend ? Mine was pretty crappy , most of it coming out of my butt . And it was crappy for Mommy and Daddy who became very worried about what was coming out of my butt . Heck it was even crappy for River who , for the first time in her life was thrust into the role of caring sister , and did a good job . As many of you know , I am a very nervous dog . When I get nervous things in my lower end turn to liquid , and when it does I become like a leaky faucet , if your faucet was hooked up to the sewer line . Last Wednesday Mommy and Daddy rearranged the living room so their chairs were closer together and Mommy was facing the TV without having to turn her cranky neck . There was some , what I would term tension between Mommy and Daddy over cleaning the floors , and that tension turned my bottom end innards to water . This lasted a couple of days . On Sunday Mommy turned on the stove to make Daddy breakfast . I hate the stove . It 's electric and it beeps . Last year one of our smoke alarms began beeping and I didn 't react well at all . Ever since then I have been very sensitive to beeping sounds . On Sunday the stove beeping sent me over the edge turning everything in my body to liquid . It started out as my normal nervous diarrhea but my system was so sensitive that everything in me wanted to come out . Then something happened that scared my Mom very much . I was straining so hard that cherry red blood started to drip out of me . It felt like my entire insides was throbbing . Mommy and Daddy googled what to do and saw : PANIC ! so they did . They called the emergency vet who told them to keep an eye on me , that I wasn 't in any imminent danger , and to take me to my usual vet in the morning . I still had the runs at night , but the blood stopped . And it is here that I have to give a shout out to my sister . At 2 : 30 AM I woke up and had to poo . I got out of bed , went to the pee pads , and left a poo puddle . I am too small to jump into bed so all I could do was just sit on the floor and look sad . River saw me , woke Daddy up , and he picked me up and brought me back to bed . So thank you River , that was very sweet of you In the morning we were off to the vet first thing . I wasn 't crazy about this because I got my appetite back but I knew it would make Mommy and Daddy feel better if I went to the vet . I soon regretted it . I got a thermostat up the butt and had a slight fever . Then the vet took me away and stuck a needle in me for blood . Finally the vet gave me a shot to make me feel better and told my nervous parents she would call the next day with the lab results . This morning the vet called to say my bloodwork came back normal and she thinks I suffer from stress colitis . With medication I should be back to my normal self in a few days . Mommy and Daddy are not going to give me any mediation for my nervous condition but try to treat it naturally by keeping me out of stressful situations , thunder shirt , and some natural remedies . . So dinner time means walks time ( or a drive if it 's raining . ) I knew this day was coming . As I have written before all dogs have only so many heartbeats , and they are never enough . I knew Max 's song was ending soon . His brother 's arrival two weeks before was a terrible shock but Max … . well , he was expected . And now he was coming . When I got to the top of the stairway leading from the Bridge his brother Tupper was already there . He silently nodded at me . He was being a good angel , observing proper protocol , but I promptly broke it , gave him a hug , and licked a tear from beneath his eye . Max waited to be sworn in , which I did quickly , and then he had Tupper hugged . " How is Mommy ? " Tupper asked . Max just sadly shook his head . They hugged again and there were more tears than even my curved tongue could clean . They let go of one another and Max asked what was expected of him next . There were wings to be fitted , a cloud to be found , the reams of unnecessary paper work to be filled out , but that could wait . I motioned them over to a tree so we could sit and talk . " There is a story about the dutch boy who saw a hole in the dyke . The dyke was filled with water . If the hole wasn 't fixed the town would flood . So he put his finger in the dyke stopping the flood . Us dogs , we are the finger , and the water , that 's all the pain and suffering in the world , and our Moms are the town , and when we are gone all that pain and suffering overwhelms them . " The brothers thought this over . " Or like in the Catcher in the Rye . You know how Holden wanted to catch the kids before they fell off the ledge . We are like that with our Moms , " Max said . " Jesus Christ ! " I said , stunned . Then realized my mistake and said " No , no Jesus Christ , not paging Jesus Christ . Cancelling the page . " " I don 't think my Mom would change having my in her life for anything , " Raider said . " I know how much she loved me and I felt terrible when I left her . We were both sobbing . Plus your Moms were lucky , they had other dogs , my Mom is all alone . " We sadly thought about this . There is nothing worse than being a dogless Mom . I suggested we go down to the River of Life . When we got there Raider caught his Mom in a wave and he pawed at her , then lay down on the grass and let out a soft whimper . I sighed . " I went to see this play , " I said . " It was by some guy named Shakespeare . He is writing plays for dogs now . He says they are much easier to work with than humans . In the play he said it is better to have love and lost a dog than to never have loved a dog before . I think he 's right . " " We can 't fix their broken hearts , " I , the most experienced said . " I don 't know if you were alive on September 11 , 2001 but bad men knocked down two big buildings in New York . Those big buildings , like our Mom 's heart , could never be replaced , but they built a great big strong building where it once was . When your Mom is ready , you will help her find a new dog . It won 't help replace the destroyed building that is your Mom 's heart , but the new dog will help her build a new strong building there . People admire the new building , but never forget the old . " I gave him a pat on his head . " She will . She is a wonderful dog Mom . One of the best . And there are so many dogs out there who need a good home . When she 's ready you will connect them , and they will start to rebuild their new tower of love . Then some day she will join you here but until then there are millions of things to do here , so many things you can 't even imagine , and you will love all of them . " " To keep us from thinking about how much we miss our [ parents . " All three dogs nodded , then Tupper took Max with him to show him their new cloud and meet some old friends . Radar , who I befriended the first day I joined Doggyspace , stayed near me . Even though he was a New York dog he was a big Red Sox fan and he asked me , since we were angels , if we could fix them . Dear Aunt Foley : The other day I was on a walk with my Dad . I was doing my usual walk stuff , looking around , sniffing , turning my head at any sound . Like all dogs we trust our humans to watch where we are going . Unfortunately Daddy wasn 't really paying attention to where we were walking and he took me over a stormdrain . My leg went right through one of the rectangular drains and then I fell sideways . My Daddy had to lift me out . Whose fault was this ? Clint Dear Clint : For generations us dogs roamed the world without a leash carefully watching every step and we never fell in a grate and got stuck . Then we got our calling to become man 's angels and we moved in with them . Man , being genetically mistrusting , put a rope on us so we didn 't run away from them . Once that happened we made a pact with them . We would let them put the leash on us and walk us but they had to watch where we were going . We would spend our time smelling the flowers , looking at the sky , checking out any vermin that needed chasing and any old friends who may be outside . Well your father went and broke that agreement when he let you fall in the drain . It was his duty to make sure you did not get stuck . I think there is only one thing that can be done here . You Dad needs to put on a leash and look around while you hold the leash in your mouth . Then we can see what you guide him to to leave him with a hurt leg . Aran 's problems started as quietly as a summer cold : A few sneezes , watery eyes , those things we expect to pass with time . Even though he was eating and playing as usual his condition didn 't pass in time and it made his Mom scared and worried . Being a Mom of great experience she sensed Aran was acting more clingy than usual . As his Mom so eloquently said " The worst part of being a pet parent is that you can 't ask them what 's wrong . " The news from the vet was worse than expected . It was neither allergies or a cold , but an indentation in her head . Indentation in your head is not a diagnoses anyone , human or pup , wants to hear . Somehow Aran was losing muscle around her skull due to nerve damage and one eyes was smaller than the other . What such a diagnosis means is " we don 't know what 's wrong , more testing is needed " and that sucks . Aran was given an ointment for her eyes and several pricks so the vet could get some blood . The vet told her Mom the best thing to do was to look Aran in the eye . If she had trouble blinking or if her eye became swollen more extensive tests would be needed and , like most of us , when it comes to bad things , we don 't want anything that might be needed . During all the pricking , prodding and pushing Aran was a very good girl . She even let a bright light be shined in her eyes . She was such a good girl I think it added to the prayers us angels rushed up the mountain to the big guy . When the blood and urine work came back everything was good but she was diagnosed with unilateral massetera . The poor baby got diagnosed with something none of us angels had ever heard of . She was experiencing muscle loss due to nerve damage and is going to have to see a neurologist . Her Mom is hoping the ointment for her eyes will stops the itching but at some point an expensive MRI , more tests and more bills will be on the way . Dear Aunt Foley : Last Wednesday I was in the kitchen , minding my own business . There was a roasted chicken on the dining room table . That chicken must not have been all the way dead because it got up and walked off the table then fell on the floor . I know dead chickens should not be walking around on the floor so I picked it up in my mouth and killed it for sure . Then Mom and Grandmom came in , found the chicken in my mouth , and blamed me for knocking the chicken off the table . How do I prove my innocence ? - Paco Dear Paco : Oh your Mom and your Grandmom owe you a big apology . I have heard of these things before and know what happened . The chicken was dead , but it came back to life . What your Mom had on her dining room table was a zombie chicken . Zombie chickens are very dangerous . A zombie chicken ankle bite can be deadly for a human . I must admit most dogs I know would have run away and hid but not you Paco . You picked up the zombie chicken , shook it , and killed it . And what thanks did you get ? But for the rest of us we would like to thank you for your selfless act . You very well could have saved us all . I ask all my friends on the mortal side of the Bridge to check any chicken brought into the house and if it smells like juicy chicken it is probably zombie chicken so get it in your mouth and kill it immediately . Once the mainstream media begins covering the zombie chicken crises you will be thanked . Here at the Village of the Pruned it is rather cramped . We have about five feet of property on either side of us , someone living behind us , and a road in front of us . We don 't mind at all , especially since before we lived here we lived in a condo where humans pass by our window causing us a great deal of unrest and barking . Until this week . We have two big fern trees in our yard and this week I was sure there was something hiding under them . My suspicions were further raised when I saw the remnants of one of my bird friends , nothing but feathers . I suspected we had a cat infiltration . That 's when I saw it , hidden deep under the tree , a kitty ! I barked and it took off running around the house . I gave as much chase as a Yorkie on a retractable leash can , and it beat it 's little paws out of my yard . She had a seizure that may have been caused by heat stroke . I flew up with the prayers requests and , by the time I got back I learned those prayers were answered because Daisy was improving . But then I got another … . . request . It came from Hattie Mae . Hattie doesn 't pray so much as she issues demands and her demand was that she be able to check on her friend Daisy . While both their Moms are on the Internet they weren 't on sites that connected . I didn 't take this one to the big guy . If you think I get upset at him you haven 't seen anything like Hattie Mae . I relied on my friends Lily and Ben and thanks to them Daisy and Hattie has a wonderful reunion . He had contracted a disease that caused his immune system to attack his own blood cells . He went through a very dire time but thanks your prayers his vet was able to get his blood levels normal enough so he could go home . He still needs prayers : His immune system became compromised when the doctors stopped it from killing his blood cells , and he picked up an infection , but he is home , with his Mom , and is getting better . There were lots of prayers for Apple this week . He got a bad case of tummy trouble and womited all over the house . With some dietary changes ( no more beef or fish which were affecting his liver issues ) he is back to eating and digesting normally . He had not eaten for several days and was very lethargic . Apollo and I brought the prayers up to the Big Guy directly . When we flew down we found out that Czar would be OK , and we could not help but remark on the irony of miracles . When I first met Apollo he had been poisoned by some evil neighbors . Luckily he recovered . Czar Bishop had been poisoned too , this time accidentally . A farmer friend of Czar 's family had used boron to aid his chick pea crop . He then fed the chick peas to the turkeys and the turkey to Czar Bishop who got boron poisoning . The vet flushed the boron from his system and prayers are needed that Czar Bishop 's kidneys were not permanently damaged . I even had to ask for prayers for Pocket because she has an upset tummy . Mommy asked me special to pray for her . I told her that Pocket has tummy trouble when butterflies startle her and she will recover without prayers . But she 's my Mom so I flew up the mountain and apologized to the big guy with my small prayer request . " Yes , last night alone I got 785 , 327 prayers about an exhibition football game . Sorry , not my department . And neither is who will win a reality television show , although I must say that Zach from Big Brother is a tremendous tool and I have thought about smotting hin and I haven 't smotted since Moses 's time . Now run along , and remember how many times I have answered your prayers in the affirmative . I wasn 't friends with Barnum when I was on the mortal side of life despite the fact that he lives closer to me than all other dogs on the Internet . My Mom and Dad , with River and Pocket , got to meet Barnum and his sibling Bailey at Miss Laura 's house last fall and they all had a delightful time . I was quite jealous that I did not get to meet them . Now I don 't want to meet him at the Bridge for a long time . I am trying to use that to Barnum 's advantage . I told the big guy that I never met Barnum 's acquataince on Earth and did not wish to do so now . I said I just didn 't like the cut of his jib although I am quite sure he has a perfectly lovely jib . It was a desperate measure but I thought the situation called for it . But again I was dismissed with a wave of the hand . I recently celebrated my second birthday . I would like to thank everyone who made it a special day . I am so lucky to have such great friends . I got a spa day on my birthday and got to party with the Griffons at the groomers . They are always fun . But there is something most unwelcome that comes with each birthday . The trip to the vet . It was a normal Thursday . Daddy put Pocket in her crate and Mommy picked me up . We went outside and got into the car . Knowing my birthday was coming up I was thinking : Ice cream ? Dog park ? Hamburger ? We drove into the vet 's parking lot . I had only been here once and I vaguely remembered it . I was sniffing for ice cream and thought I got a whiff of anti - septic ice cream but when I got inside I knew there would be no ice cream . The first thing they did was weigh me . I have been taught by Foley that whenever I am being forced to do something don 't cooperate under any circumstances . When I got on the scale I got a severe case of wiggle butt . So I weigh anywhere between five and 11 pounds . Then I was brought into an examining room . Mommy held me close to her and whispered nice things in my ear . When you are home that means she loves you . When are are somewhere else that means she 's nervous and you are about to get screwed . A side door opened and the screwer came in . She was a nice woman with a white lab coat They put me on a tiny , shiny table and at first I thought everything would be OK . She held me and rubbed me checking me over . She looked at my eyes and teeth and she put some soft round thing on my chest to make sure it was beating . And then she went behind me and HEY THERE ! " It 's just a little prick , " the vet said . I remembered the last time I heard that I ended up with a litter of puppies . I tried to get off the table but an assistant grabbed me ( the enforcer ) while my Mommy sweetly told to me cooperate ( my pimp ) while I received two more little pricks from the vet ( my john . ) Then I was done , it took less than two minutes . It was all very familiar , and very unpleasant . A few days later I had my birthday filled with wonderful friends wishing me well and it made everything I went through worth it and I want to thank all my friends who made my birthday wonderful . Dear Aunt Foley : This week my Dad took me into the gigantic water container they have in their backyard for some unknown reason . They put this jacket on me , and then Daddy held me while I splashed around . What 's up with that ? - Scooter . Dear Scooter : When I was a younger dog I thought the large water container was an emergency stash for the zombie apocalypse because everyone knows that when zombies strike they hit the water department first to sap our vital resources ( and if they don 't they should because it 's a wicked good plan . ) But then I wondered why they would assume the zombies would only attack between June and September and cover the water container up the rest of the time . That 's when it came to me , they used to pool to cool off when the weather got hot . Actually it is a pretty good idea , as I think it must be very expensive to build an ocean outside your house . I am sure humans love it . And , like all things that humans love , they want to share it with us ( unless it is alcohol or chocolate , the two forbidden zones . ) So you got to go in the pool . I am sure it was very scary at first especially for tiny dogs like us who aren 't very good at pushing off the bottom of the pool and rising to the top . But your parents knew that so they put the jacket on you so you can float . It is very much what it 's like to be up here with the angels flying from cloud to cloud . So the pool is a little bit of heaven on Earth . Except it 's a lot wetter . And you are basically swimming around in a pool of human filth . But you do get to be with them , it 's safe , it 's fun , and you get to cool off on a hot day . This page was founded in 2007 by Foley Monster . She was joined by her sister Pocket Dog . In 2013 Foley took a job as a Judge at Rainbow Bridge where she continues to blog . The newest family member , River Song joined us a short time later |
They say the first year after you lose your husband is the hardest . Ironically , it even has a cute name : The Year of Firsts . The first wedding anniversary , the first Christmas , the first baseball season - everything is the first time without him . The first birthday without Alan brings a picture to my mind of the candle - less pile of his favorite donuts that I strategically arranged on a plate into a circular cake shape . ( Even as I write this I know memory deceives me . If I dig back hard enough , I remember our friend Grace made Alan 's cake that year . Carrot , his favorite . I was too numb to have been so thoughtful . ) Then there was the first time I went in for a teeth cleaning that fall : the way the entire staff looked at me , how certain I was they all already knew without my saying a word , how I couldn 't bring myself to meet their gaze , how I was grateful for each scrape of the dentist 's scaler to distract me from the weight that pressed into my sternum . And there was the first time I tried and failed to talk about Alan using past - tense verbs , the sound of them ringing too final in my ears . What no one tells you , though , is that the firsts don 't end after those twelve months . In terms of frequency , they start loosening their grip , but still they come , slow and steady . Sometimes when you least expect it . I should have known another first was happening when something I saw on Instagram made me cry . A man I 'd never met before was getting married . He had kind brown eyes and she had a wonderfully proportioned face . They could have been in a teeth - whitening ad . They were young , around thirty , and from the looks of his Instagram feed , did your typical around - thirty - year - old things . Except they seemed to do it better . There were pictures of her twirling in the sunlight in front of a vintage car and drinking a milkshake alluringly at one of those diners that are so old they 've become hip again . I saw him , too , on the other side of the camera , laughing because he 'd been too caught up watching her , missing the moment , and accidentally taking a picture of the table . Of course , I didn 't know if that 's what actually happened . I didn 't know him , and he didn 't know me . But we did share something . I saw it in his profile . One word that didn 't match the happiness I saw in his face : widower . I clicked on the link in his profile , searching his personal blog for clues . How did he get his eyes to twinkle like that ? Over the course of two hours , my phone casting a glow in the otherwise dark room , I uncovered the life - bones of the brown - eyed man , using them to build a person with a past , a present , and a future . He 'd been married to his best friend and the love of his life for close to eight years . She was an artist with curly brown hair and a ready smile . Her funeral was standing - room only . Everybody who met her loved her . Reading about her and looking at her pictures , I loved her , too . She looked like the type of person I 'd want to share my fries with . She 'd been sick , though , and then suddenly , as it sometimes happens with sickness and young people , she was gone . Four months later , her husband started dating . Soon after , he met his current fiancée , and their smiles have been gracing dental - office posters ever since . Somehow Brown Eyes had managed to hit the jackpot . He had found not just one true love , but two . And he was marrying the second in a month . For having never met the guy , I didn 't know why I cared . All I know is that I did . I pictured Alan in Brown Eyes 's shoes and me in the role of the artist wife . I imagined him going on dates a few months after I 'd died : him wearing his favorite button - down shirt , her in form - fitting jeans . Dim lighting . Sangria . Furtive thoughts and shy glances . My face felt hot . If Brown Eyes had really loved his wife , how could he move on so quickly ? He was wheeling past , rushing to forget . I felt betrayed by a man I didn 't know , on behalf of a woman I 'd never met . But I knew that wasn 't all . Reaching that conclusion did nothing to quell the spring of emotions welling up in my chest . I turned my phone off and lay back in bed , letting the darkness of the room seep in and swirl inside me . And then , before I could stop it , it happened . It was just for an instant , but it was enough . The guilt sliced me in half . I shook the image from my head , and hot tears slipped down my cheeks . Of all the things I 'd felt in the past year and a half since Alan had died , I 'd never felt anything like this . It was a string waiting to be pulled . Thinking about finding the loose end made me feel sick , so instead I climbed a mountain and looked down at Brown Eyes from my perch . What kind of widower wanted to find someone new to share his milkshakes with ? To go on adventures with ? Who wanted that ? Not me . I didn 't want any of it . And neither should he . Clearly , he didn 't love his wife as much as I loved Alan . It was an awful thing to think but it was easy . He was a stranger who couldn 't tell me otherwise . But that 's what made Judgment Mountain so great . It was a place where I could focus on assessing other people 's lives so I didn 't have to think about my own . I was still up on the mountain , deluding myself , when I met up with Eddie for dinner a few weeks later . He sat across from me , smiling . I tried to read his eyes to determine if it was a real smile or the kind that hid things that hurt too much to think about . We most often exchanged the latter in the short time we 'd known each other . We had met at a now defunct Kaiser bereavement group for young spouses . Most of the people in the group , including Eddie and me , had partners who 'd been on hospice . Alan and Eddie 's wife Jeannie had had cancer . Paul Kalanithi described it best when he wrote , " Yes , all cancer patients are unlucky , but there 's cancer , and then there 's CANCER , and you have to be really unlucky to have the latter . " They both had the all - caps kind , one of the main commonalities in the intersection of the Sobrina - Eddie Venn Diagram . " You know , it was surprisingly good . I spent it with my friend and his family . His little girl made it her mission to make me smile . She even waited for me to get there to open her presents . It was really , really sweet . How was yours ? " " I visited the park where we scattered Alan 's ashes . I hiked up to the bench at the top of the hill , and it hit me for the first time how nice it was that he chose that spot . I never realized until then that he probably did that on purpose so I wouldn 't have to go visit some sad arbitrary plot somewhere . " My words caught slightly in my throat . Then I realized that Eddie might visit Jeannie at a cemetery , and I kicked myself again . " I still don 't know what to do with Jeannie 's ashes , " he said . His eyes misted over , and I could tell he wanted to say something . A moment passed and he shook his head , changing his mind . " Leave it to you to make me cry . " " I decided to make some changes , " Eddie said , smiling . It lingered in the corners of his lips , revealing a side of Eddie I 'd never seen before . So it was a real one . " I 've been exercising more . I 'm up to doing an hour and a half on the elliptical machine every day at max resistance . And next week , I 'm playing Ultimate Frisbee with people a lot younger than me . I hope I don 't break anything . " He laughed . " Wow , that 's great . " When I first met him , he couldn 't walk or do the elliptical for more than ten minutes . I closed my menu but not before silently picking something to order for Alan : the lamb shank . He would like that . Another reflex . He looked back down at his menu , while I did the math . Jeannie had died in January . It was less than a year later . If it had been anyone else , I would have thrown him down the mountain already , but Eddie was different . I knew for a fact how much he loved Jeannie . I could see it in him , full , whole , and remarkably intact . And I realized , after the initial shock faded , that his asking another woman out did nothing to change that . Dinner with Eddie gave me hope . I thought about coming down from the mountain , even if just a little . But when I told my sister about Eddie starting to date again , she texted back , " Whattt ! ! ! Do people just not fall deep in love anymore ? ! ? ! ? ! ? " And it put me right back up on the summit . It seemed that 's where everyone else thought I should be . I didn 't dare tell her how I 'd found him brave . It took a while before I found the courage to tell anyone else , until one day it came up in conversation with my friend Angela . We 'd met at the same grief group that I knew Eddie from . Her husband Raymond didn 't have cancer ; he had died suddenly in June from a blood clot after surviving a stroke the previous month . We were both in our early thirties , and I knew she knew what it was like to walk around in the world like a ghost , only to have that feeling subside and be replaced with the sensation that your skin is turned inside out . She texted to ask how dinner was with Eddie , and I texted back about how he 'd started dating again . " No , you didn 't at all . I 'm truly happy for you . " And I really meant it . I expected to feel the surge of emotions as I had with Brown Eyes , but all I felt was relief . She loved and missed Raymond deeply . We talked about it all the time . And now she was seeing someone new . She was proof those two things could coexist . The realization radiated through me . Judgment Mountain began to crumble , and as it did , I recognized it for what it was : a place where I judged myself . I judged people for moving on too quickly because the truth was I was afraid I was moving on too fast . I wanted things to stay the same for as long as possible , to live in the world that Alan still lived in . But that world didn 't exist anymore . Could I still love Alan forever and simultaneously want to find someone new to share my life with ? I hated myself for even wanting to ask . As if asking was somehow an admission that Alan 's love wasn 't enough . That I was replacing him . That he was even replaceable . It was out of the question . But Eddie , Angela , and Brown Eyes helped me understand that it wasn 't the question that I had wrong - it was the answer . I wasn 't asking because Alan 's love hadn 't been enough . I was asking because it had been more than enough . It had lifted me and filled me and carried me gently when I didn 't even know I needed it . I could feel it when he watched me sleep in the morning , by the patient way he answered my questions on everything from foreign policy to the way last night 's movie had ended after I inevitably knocked out . I miss the blond hairs on his arms . I miss his smell . I miss sharing life with him . The yearning to find someone new isn 't a way of replacing him as I 'd feared . It 's a testament to how wonderful I know life can be with someone . And it 's because Alan showed me that that kind of love exists that I want to find it again . I don 't fully know what that means , but I 'm ready to let myself find out . My mom is nearly bald . Her hair started falling out in her late twenties , getting thinner and thinner , until what remained fell away after the round of chemotherapy she got for breast cancer treatment . The hospital gave her a wig , a short straight bob . Around the time strangers started confusing her for my dad , I tried to get her to wear it . She didn 't though . She hardly ever wore it , putting it on only for the rare special occasion . I asked her once why she 'd snipped a jagged hole in the bangs of her wig at my cousin 's wedding . She 'd said , " It 's too hot . " I didn 't want to admit it then , but , as the sweat pooled in the strapless bra I wore under my pale green bridesmaid 's dress , I understood what she meant . Sometimes it 's just too much trouble to look the part . " Okay , " I said . Nothing peculiar about that . I had no idea she knew people in Hawaii , but she was always making new friends at her Buddhist temple . Her words bounced off the back of my skull and landed in a soft pile where they remained to be thought about later . " My friends have a farm . They raise crops and sell the produce at the flea market , " my mom said , intrigued , a few weeks before our departure date . " They live in a little house on the land . " My mom 's friends weren 't rich , but they weren 't poor either . After all , they were getting by with that warm blue ocean in their backyard . It reminded me of a Kinfolk article . I pictured my mom 's new friends wearing stylish overalls in a refurbished Airstream . The video came up in her search for Cambodian Buddhist temples in Hawaii . It ended with a phone number on the screen that my mom promptly dialed . We were invited to come visit ; everyone was invited . ( It was the " everyone " bit that struck me as most creepy . ) The scene in my head changed from Kinfolk to Texas Chainsaw Massacre . This sounded not unlike that time a man lured people to his ranch by advertising a cheap car for sale on Craig 's List , only to shoot them all execution - style once they got there . Neither of my parents shared my concerns . Cambodian people wouldn 't do that , my dad said . " I guess " was the only clever response I could think of . When we got to Oahu , we spent half of our time exploring the island and the other half bobbing in the water at the beach in front of our hotel . My mom asked when we 'd go see her friends . Soon , I said . I was the only one properly insured to drive the rental van , and the rule - follower in me insisted I drive . Three days before the end of our vacation , after we 'd seen Mermaid 's Cave and eaten our fill of shaved ice , I decided the trip wouldn 't be ruined if we were to all die then . It was time . As I drove the van to the farm , I thought about the two sea turtles I 'd swum with and the five rainbows that arched in the sky that day . I 'd be going out on a high note for sure . To my surprise , I didn 't turn the van around , delivering us all back to the safety of our Waikiki high - rise hotel . I followed my mom 's lead : She had a way of knowing things . Like that time she knew she had a tumor growing inside her and insisted the doctor cut it out . Her mammogram results had come back negative just one month prior . Only after she kept insisting something was wrong did they send her back for more testing and confirm her suspicions of cancer . If something was up , she would be the first one to know . As I followed Google Map 's directions , the cramped city streets of Honolulu gave way to neighborhoods with more breathing room . I wondered where the farms were . I took a few turns before the map showed we were fast approaching our destination . Did we have the address right ? These homes had tennis courts . These homes were mansions . My dad called the phone number from the YouTube video and spoke with a man . We were in the right place . As we climbed out of the van , my sister Sophie and I laughed nervously the way you do when you 're pretty certain you 'll be okay but a small part of you still wonders if you might get shot . We walked down a long driveway to the house at the bottom . My mind struggled to make sense of what was happening . Three younger men moved about , preparing a charcoal barbecue next to an open garage , while an older man stood holding a cell phone . A young boy splashed in the swimming pool in the middle of the grassless front yard . There was no lawn , just concrete and a shabby L - shaped mansion serving as the backdrop . A tall white spiral staircase from the eighties connected the two sides of the " L . " Whoever designed it must have thought it lent the property a grand air , but the effect reminded me of the motels we stayed in on our family vacations as a kid . " Oh , right , " Tan Man said . " Well , this is where we live now . " He gave an apologetic shrug . Turning to face the other men , he said , " These are my sons and that 's their friend . " After a few more minutes of small talk , my mom said , " You guys hang out . " I shot wide eyes at her , willing her to say she 'd just be a few minutes . She didn 't notice and slipped away into the mansion with my dad and Tan Man . The hive mind was broken . " It 's hard making it here , " Toshi said . " Finding work , paying the bills . A one - bedroom apartment goes for a thousand dollars a month . A month . Can you believe it ? " Wrapped in a towel , Toshi 's son joined us at the table . He opened a container of poke and split apart a pair of wooden chopsticks . By the way he ate , I doubted all that fish would put a dent in his appetite . Rithy nodded in agreement . No one said anything ; I took the moment to listen for anything unusual . A muffled scream or a crash from inside . Only the sound of the wind filled my ears . " Oh , that 's a story , " Magnus said . " There was this Swedish couple watching the news one day . All of a sudden they decided to adopt a baby . The woman at the church they called said , ' Well , I don 't have a baby , but I do have an entire family . ' We were in Cambodia at the time when stuff was starting to get bad . My mom was pregnant with me and there was also my dad and two brothers . Whatever the couple was watching on TV that day must have been crazy because they decided to do it . They sponsored our family to come to the States . That 's why I have a Swedish name . " I might have asked why they didn 't all live in Sweden , but I couldn 't stop thinking about the logistics of adopting an entire family . A light , unseasonable rain fell , covering everything in a soft mist . A tropical storm was passing through the islands . " This ? " Magnus asked , surprised . " No , this belongs to this Japanese couple . They had it built quickly , so the floor plan is all fucked up . No one wants to buy it at $ 4 . 7 million . " Magnus got up to check on the grill . When he came back , he sat down and resumed drinking his beer . It was dark out now , and there was nothing to look at except each other and the empty garage we sat in . I fought the urge to look at my phone . I could tell Magnus had finished answering the question , but I 'd never stepped foot on a $ 4 . 7 million property before and wanted to know how one comes to barbecue in such a place . " My parents have a cleaning business and one of their clients is the owners ' daughter . She told her parents about my parents and they fell in love with my mom . Asked her to look after the place . " I nodded . The guys drank their beer . A lull in conversation settled over us like a fishing net trapping random sea creatures together . We weren 't sure how any of us came to be there . After a long while , Rithy asked Toshi and Magnus about an upcoming wedding . They talked about the friend who didn 't get an invite and laughed . I fiddled with my hands and half smiled like I understood the joke . They started talking about who was coming over with the meat skewers , who was bringing drinks . It clicked then that the reason for the barbecue was Magnus 's visit home . We were intruding on their party . " Mohammed 's here , " Toshi announced as a car pulled into the driveway . Looking at me , he said , " This is the only Cambodian Muslim you 'll ever meet on the island . Converted . Even changed his name . " With Mohammed there , the conversation turned a corner , quickly moving past us to inside jokes and gossip about people we didn 't know . The guys tended to grilling the meat and disappeared around the corner to smoke pot . We sat with Toshi 's son who had moved on to an octopus poke . The longer we sat there , the more I felt how I did in high school when my best friend and I crashed parties we weren 't invited to . We weren 't privy to those conversations either . When I couldn 't sit with my half - smile plastered on any longer , I went to the house to find the bathroom and did a double take as I stepped inside . There was no blood . No one on the ground having the life choked out of them . All four parents sat at the kitchen table , talking and laughing . Perhaps I would have been more patient had I stepped into a stickier situation , but I was annoyed that they were having the time of their lives . Meanwhile , sitting in the garage , the awkwardness pulled at my skin until I 'd wanted to tear it all off . I caught my mom 's eye and silently tried to convey how much we wanted to leave . No luck . I used the bathroom ( Magnus was right about this place : Even the bathroom in the apartment I rented back home was nicer than this ) and then walked back to the kitchen . She apologized to her friends about her kids ' picky tastes , but surprisingly , she and my dad wrapped up their conversation , got up , and followed me outside . As we walked back to the driveway , my mom told me her friends had invited her and my dad to come back and stay in one of the empty rooms . I turned and studied her friends ' faces one last time . Just in case . We went in a circle doing the praying - mantis , said goodbye to the group of guys steadily forming in the garage , and got back into our rental van . Before the van door had even swung shut , we unleashed on my mom . Sophie and I took turns , telling her how awkward it was , reprimanding her for leaving us like that . My mom didn 't say anything , letting us get it all out of our systems . She was in her own world anyway , one where people cleaned houses , lived in mansions , and went to the beach on their lunch break . Without getting the reaction out of her we wanted , we quickly lost steam . We moved on to swapping stories from inside and outside the house . Next time . I looked at her in the rearview , beaming in her seat and dreaming about all the possibilities . I shook my head and smiled . I didn 't doubt her for a second . It was May 22 when Alan died last year . Everyone around me was amazed by how well I managed , but that 's because they didn 't know the whole truth . By June , a little man had set up shop inside my chest . To be clear , the little man doesn 't live in my chest - he doesn 't have groceries in the refrigerator or put his feet up on the coffee table at the end of the day . To say he works there would be more accurate . The most surprising part of it all is when I look in the mirror : My husband is gone , my body harbors an invader , and I hardly look any different for it . I can see why people might think I 'm fine . I have never heard the little man say anything , not even a sigh , but I feel him . He 's the busiest when I miss Alan the most . I don 't know what his full job description states , but I have a good idea . His job is to ensure I feel everything I can 't show : the homesickness for a place I can never return , the crushing weight underlying the finality of it all . To get his point across , he launches intermittent campaigns throughout the day - " grief attacks , " I call them . Sometimes the attacks are big and violent , forcing me to crumple onto my couch , blinded by tears . Sometimes they are small , squeezing all the air out of my lungs . At first , living with the little man frightened me , but over the past nine months , we 've learned how to co - exist . When he wages his attacks , I can only let him . I alluded to the little man in the very beginning , back when people were still dropping off casserole dinners . They nodded with their mouths turned upside down and tried to imagine what it must be like . But after a while , everyone went back to their normal lives . I couldn 't blame them . I tried to , too , but nothing felt normal anymore . People stopped asking about the little man wreaking havoc in my chest . They wanted to know about my vacation plans , work , my new haircut . I brought him up less and less until I eventually stopped talking about him . This morning , the little man is very busy , making it hard to get out of bed . My body feels twice as heavy as normal , as if long , lead bars now occupy space in each of my limbs . The bars don 't take up all the space in my arms and legs , but they don 't rattle around either . They 're heavy , after all . The little man shields his eyes with his hand , looks up , and frowns . Dark clouds are in the forecast , threatening rain . They 've been brewing in my head over the last couple of days . I roll over onto my side , summoning the energy to get ready for work , and feel the lead weights follow a second later . I work at a mid - size tech company in Mountain View , California , where I do B2B marketing . Mostly that means putting together PowerPoint presentations that the sales team use to pitch solutions to clients . It sounds straightforward enough , but somehow my days are full of back - and - forth email exchanges , meetings , and rough drafts . Everything takes longer and involves more people to complete than you 'd imagine . For instance , this morning I am in a meeting with eight people to discuss logo designs and venue possibilities for an upcoming event . Two people present in the meeting , one person makes the decisions , and the rest of us are just along for the ride . The meeting eats up an entire hour of everyone 's day . Normally , I would get antsy thinking about the other things I could be doing in that hour , but it 's hard to care with the little man going on as he is . It 's strange being at work in the middle of one of his violent attacks . All my Alan memories , the sad ones reserved for when I 'm alone at night , bubble up dangerously close to the surface . I look around the room in a slight panic , but no one is paying any attention to me . All eyes are focused on the screen at the front of the room . I sit back in my chair and try to focus on the presenter 's explanation of this particular logo 's type treatment . After the meeting , I go back to my desk , and , in an attempt to keep the grief attack at bay , I scroll through the endless emails that have poured in over the weekend . I delete the ones that are spam , ignore ones that require nothing of me , and flag the rest to respond to later . Some emails are marked with an exclamation mark to denote the urgency of their contents , but after reviewing them again , I decide they can wait and begin making my list . Every day I make a to - do list . First , I write down each task that I need to complete . Then I go back through the list , writing a number next to each item according to its deemed priority . Priority assignment is based on the project requester , the deadline , and the number of people depending on it . These are just loose guidelines , though . Sometimes I 'll assign a task a higher priority just because I feel like working on it at the time . It 's funny because they 're just numbered items on a piece of paper , but as soon as I finish making it , I can focus . Without it , the fear that I 'm overlooking something else more important that I should be working on creeps in and paralyzes me . I have only prioritized about half of my tasks when I can feel my resolve crumbling at the edges . I catch myself slipping and hope the little man doesn 't notice . The little man , however , doesn 't miss a beat and seizes the opportunity to make inroads on his attack . He pulls me in , and I am helpless to stop it . I am back in our living room on that last day . Alan is lying in his hospital bed , next to the fireplace . He 's moving his arms and muttering words under his breath , as he has been for the past week . This morning his lips are the slightest shade of blue , his breathing has changed , and his knees are purple . Everyone else had missed it when they 'd left for my sister 's college graduation that morning . But I saw it . I knew everything was about to be different . I call hospice and talk to the nurse manager , explaining the changes in his condition . When I mention his purple knees , she pauses . Purple knees , I learn , are a sign that your time together is almost up . I ask the million - dollar question we 've been asking ever since he was first diagnosed : How long ? The nurse manager tells me she 'll send someone who 'll be able to assess the situation and give me a better timeframe . I hang up the phone . I don 't know what to do , so for the moment , I do absolutely nothing . I have never known Alan 's knees to be so telling . After I gather myself , I break apart again , crying in the chair next to Alan 's bed . I 'd been preparing for this moment , but I 'm not ready . I don 't even know if now is the right moment . If he has hours left , I should say goodbye now , but if he has days left , shouldn 't I wait ? The silence settles over us like a heavy layer of dust . I decide to say goodbye now , just in case , but everything that comes out sounds stupid . My voice isn 't my own . Finally , I lean into his ear and whisper . It sounds better when I don 't have to hear that voice that isn 't mine . I tell him how much I love him , that I 'll be okay , that he can go if he needs to . I read in one of the booklets hospice gave me that it 's important to " grant permission " for your loved one to let go . I don 't believe myself when I tell him I 'll be okay , but I hope they might be the magic words to bring him comfort . I sit back down and stare into his face , convinced I 'll see something register . But if it does , I can 't tell . His expression is unchanged , his arms still moving - A steady stream of people walk by my desk . I look at the clock in the corner of my computer screen . Lunch is fifteen minutes late . It 's normally served at eleven - thirty , and if it 's not served within ten minutes of that , people go crazy . That 's a slight exaggeration but not by much . Fearful that we might never eat again , people begin lining up in the cafeteria as if somehow that might help . I check the lunch calendar I keep pinned to my wall . Today we are having lunch from a restaurant named Pizza ? . There is an actual question mark in the name . The food finally arrives , and I can hear the soft roar in the cafeteria from my desk . After enough people walk past me with salad and pizza slices piled high on their plates , I walk to the kitchen to see what 's left . I place two slices of veggie pizza on a paper plate , fill a cup with water , and head to the lunch table where I usually eat with the rest of my team . At the last second , I think better of it and make a beeline for my desk . I don 't have the energy to make conversation today . It makes people uncomfortable when you just sit and listen . Most people need to fill the empty space with some kind of noise . In my experience , it 's only a matter of time before people run out of things to talk about . They start asking questions they already know the answer to or bringing up inconsequential topics . I find myself repeating things I already said or feigning interest . Short of wearing a tee - shirt that says " I don 't feel like talking , but I like sitting with you , " the only thing I can do is watch more movies . Whole worlds unfold in front of me , and I don 't have to say a word . And sometimes , though not always , movies can make me forget the little man 's even there . My favorite movie genre is science fiction , especially those of the apocalyptic and post - apocalyptic variety . People think it 's somewhat strange , but when your husband dies at thirty - one , the idea of everyone else dying en masse , holds a romantic allure . Almost every night , I watch a movie - sometimes even two or three . A part of me wonders if I 'm abusing them , like an illicit substance . I 'm sure a psychologist would ask if my movie - watching negatively affects my everyday life . I suppose it doesn 't really , except it irritates me to participate in conversations when I would much rather have them play out in front of me like on a movie screen . That might be one negative impact . But you never hear about movies ruining someone 's life , do you ? If I could only watch a movie right now , it might help me deal with the little man . But , being alone at my desk with only my veggie pizza to occupy me , I know he won 't let me off easy . As I chew , he taps around my right lung like he 's testing the quality of a cantaloupe . When he hears a sound that pleases him , he uses one hand to mark the spot and , with his other hand , removes a tiny straw from his back pocket . He raises it high above his head , then swiftly brings it down , puncturing a hole in my lung . I let out a small gasp . It 's a small straw , but I can feel the air escaping through it . I wonder if this is how it feels to have a collapsed lung . I know two people whose lungs collapsed : my friend Sue and a co - worker 's boyfriend . Neither of them even knew it had happened . Sue found out during a check - up the day after getting a lung mass the size of a golf ball biopsied . She says she didn 't feel a thing . The co - worker 's boyfriend was in college at the time , partying at a hotel in Mexico . He fell off the third - floor balcony and , if you can believe it , was picked up and carried back to his hotel room where his friends tucked him into bed for the rest of the night . It was only the next morning , after he 'd been taken to an American hospital by medevac , that his collapsed lung was discovered and a steel rod was placed through his body . Still , I think the average individual would feel something if his lung collapsed . Shortness of breath to say the least . So maybe it 's like this : You feel a collapsed lung , unless you have bigger things to worry about . Like the possibility of lung cancer or a broken back . Speaking of bigger things , the little man has finished with the straw , content with its placement , and is walking around with an Allen wrench . I 'm impressed by how much he 's able to store in those tiny pockets of his . I watch him scramble around , kneeling down to tighten screws in three separate places , knitting my ribs closer and closer together . When he is satisfied , he slips the wrench into his back pocket where it disappears with the rest of his toolbox contents . He wipes the sweat off his brow and admires his handiwork . The tightness in my chest is even more pronounced now . I swallow my last bite of pizza and it settles like a lump in the back of my throat . The combination of the straw in my lung and the bolts in my chest makes it incredibly hard to sit up . I want to writhe around , to shake the little man loose . Or at the very least , I 'd like to lie down . Maybe I will just keel over and die . You hear about that , don 't you ? It happens all the time with older couples : After years of marriage together , one dies and the other , perfectly healthy , save for the usual creaks and aches that old age brings , follows shortly after . I used to think maybe I could be so lucky . I 'm sure my friends and family worried for a while that I might do something stupid to harm myself , but I 'm afraid of pain and suffering . I 've seen enough of that . However , if I could somehow relay the message to my heart to just stop beating one day , that wouldn 't be such a bad deal . Nice and neat . To pull off such a feat must require a tremendous amount of trust and coordination between organs , the kind that only comes after spending a lifetime together . That 's the only way I can explain why only older people die of a broken heart . Young people just aren 't there yet with their anatomy . Even if they tell their hearts to stop beating , there 's no way for their hearts to know how serious they are . Sitting at my desk , I can 't move around too much or lie down , but I need to do something or else I might implode . I could cry . I 've cried at my desk before , the kind of tears that are hot and silent . But I don 't trust the character of these tears today . I feel them swell inside me , a water balloon the little man has filled too full . It threatens to burst at any minute . I throw the rest of my lunch in the trash and try to get it together . The water balloon is shaking . I look down and realize my hands are trembling . I want to tell her everything - that I can hardly breathe today , that the water balloon might pop at any minute . I open my mouth , but before I can get a word out , she turns back around to face her computer screen . I have one more meeting before the day is over . This one is with my marketing communications team , a sub - group within the larger marketing department . We meet once a week , usually on a Monday , to provide status updates on our projects . Sometimes we 'll show each other what we 're working on . We go in a circle , one by one . I try to focus on what my teammates are saying , but it 's hopeless . I sit quietly , taking shallow breaths in an attempt to keep everything inside . " This week … " I trail off . I look down at the to - do list I 've been working on all day . Just read off the list , I tell myself . " I 'm working on the positioning for the new media product . " The water balloon has stopped quivering quite as much . I place it on the table next to my notebook so I can read through my list faster . I 'm surprised that it stays put and doesn 't roll off the edge . " And that 's it , " I lie . I need to get out of the room . I can feel the little man boring holes in my chest , and I 'm certain everyone can see my discomfort . When I look up from my list , though , everyone is buried deep in their laptops . Lisa retracts her pen and places it back down on the table , concluding the meeting . Nobody can see the little man like they would a scar on my forehead . But he 's there in my chest all the time . So it 's just me and him . Me and him and the lonely thought that Alan would know but will never know . He would understand in the same way that he understood when we watched the movie about the retired couple visiting Paris . They go away together in the hopes of sparking romance in their tired marriage . It 's just a movie , of course , but watching them wandering through the cobblestone streets , arm in arm , made me feel a terrible pinch inside . I wanted to be in the middle of all those lights , walking on those streets , feeling Alan 's arm wrapped around me . I wanted all of those things I thought we would have . I hated the old couple . I looked at Alan asleep next to me , his face and body a shadow of what it used to be . He looked so peaceful , even though I knew seething pain waited for him just around the corner . The tumors in his pelvis ate away at his sacral bones , and physical activity as simple as shifting his weight had become a burden . It hit me that we would never adventure to a new city again , at least not in this life . Bitter tears rolled down my cheeks in disciplined silence . I was Alan 's cheerleader , his eternal optimist - that was my job . He could never know about my fears and doubts . As I cried , hating that old couple - hating all old couples - Alan 's hand reached out for mine . I turned , surprised he 'd woken up , to see his blue eyes fixed on me . I tried to stop crying , but I couldn 't . He held onto my hand , patiently waiting . |
They say the first year after you lose your husband is the hardest . Ironically , it even has a cute name : The Year of Firsts . The first wedding anniversary , the first Christmas , the first baseball season - everything is the first time without him . The first birthday without Alan brings a picture to my mind of the candle - less pile of his favorite donuts that I strategically arranged on a plate into a circular cake shape . ( Even as I write this I know memory deceives me . If I dig back hard enough , I remember our friend Grace made Alan 's cake that year . Carrot , his favorite . I was too numb to have been so thoughtful . ) Then there was the first time I went in for a teeth cleaning that fall : the way the entire staff looked at me , how certain I was they all already knew without my saying a word , how I couldn 't bring myself to meet their gaze , how I was grateful for each scrape of the dentist 's scaler to distract me from the weight that pressed into my sternum . And there was the first time I tried and failed to talk about Alan using past - tense verbs , the sound of them ringing too final in my ears . What no one tells you , though , is that the firsts don 't end after those twelve months . In terms of frequency , they start loosening their grip , but still they come , slow and steady . Sometimes when you least expect it . I should have known another first was happening when something I saw on Instagram made me cry . A man I 'd never met before was getting married . He had kind brown eyes and she had a wonderfully proportioned face . They could have been in a teeth - whitening ad . They were young , around thirty , and from the looks of his Instagram feed , did your typical around - thirty - year - old things . Except they seemed to do it better . There were pictures of her twirling in the sunlight in front of a vintage car and drinking a milkshake alluringly at one of those diners that are so old they 've become hip again . I saw him , too , on the other side of the camera , laughing because he 'd been too caught up watching her , missing the moment , and accidentally taking a picture of the table . Of course , I didn 't know if that 's what actually happened . I didn 't know him , and he didn 't know me . But we did share something . I saw it in his profile . One word that didn 't match the happiness I saw in his face : widower . I clicked on the link in his profile , searching his personal blog for clues . How did he get his eyes to twinkle like that ? Over the course of two hours , my phone casting a glow in the otherwise dark room , I uncovered the life - bones of the brown - eyed man , using them to build a person with a past , a present , and a future . He 'd been married to his best friend and the love of his life for close to eight years . She was an artist with curly brown hair and a ready smile . Her funeral was standing - room only . Everybody who met her loved her . Reading about her and looking at her pictures , I loved her , too . She looked like the type of person I 'd want to share my fries with . She 'd been sick , though , and then suddenly , as it sometimes happens with sickness and young people , she was gone . Four months later , her husband started dating . Soon after , he met his current fiancée , and their smiles have been gracing dental - office posters ever since . Somehow Brown Eyes had managed to hit the jackpot . He had found not just one true love , but two . And he was marrying the second in a month . For having never met the guy , I didn 't know why I cared . All I know is that I did . I pictured Alan in Brown Eyes 's shoes and me in the role of the artist wife . I imagined him going on dates a few months after I 'd died : him wearing his favorite button - down shirt , her in form - fitting jeans . Dim lighting . Sangria . Furtive thoughts and shy glances . My face felt hot . If Brown Eyes had really loved his wife , how could he move on so quickly ? He was wheeling past , rushing to forget . I felt betrayed by a man I didn 't know , on behalf of a woman I 'd never met . But I knew that wasn 't all . Reaching that conclusion did nothing to quell the spring of emotions welling up in my chest . I turned my phone off and lay back in bed , letting the darkness of the room seep in and swirl inside me . And then , before I could stop it , it happened . It was just for an instant , but it was enough . The guilt sliced me in half . I shook the image from my head , and hot tears slipped down my cheeks . Of all the things I 'd felt in the past year and a half since Alan had died , I 'd never felt anything like this . It was a string waiting to be pulled . Thinking about finding the loose end made me feel sick , so instead I climbed a mountain and looked down at Brown Eyes from my perch . What kind of widower wanted to find someone new to share his milkshakes with ? To go on adventures with ? Who wanted that ? Not me . I didn 't want any of it . And neither should he . Clearly , he didn 't love his wife as much as I loved Alan . It was an awful thing to think but it was easy . He was a stranger who couldn 't tell me otherwise . But that 's what made Judgment Mountain so great . It was a place where I could focus on assessing other people 's lives so I didn 't have to think about my own . I was still up on the mountain , deluding myself , when I met up with Eddie for dinner a few weeks later . He sat across from me , smiling . I tried to read his eyes to determine if it was a real smile or the kind that hid things that hurt too much to think about . We most often exchanged the latter in the short time we 'd known each other . We had met at a now defunct Kaiser bereavement group for young spouses . Most of the people in the group , including Eddie and me , had partners who 'd been on hospice . Alan and Eddie 's wife Jeannie had had cancer . Paul Kalanithi described it best when he wrote , " Yes , all cancer patients are unlucky , but there 's cancer , and then there 's CANCER , and you have to be really unlucky to have the latter . " They both had the all - caps kind , one of the main commonalities in the intersection of the Sobrina - Eddie Venn Diagram . " You know , it was surprisingly good . I spent it with my friend and his family . His little girl made it her mission to make me smile . She even waited for me to get there to open her presents . It was really , really sweet . How was yours ? " " I visited the park where we scattered Alan 's ashes . I hiked up to the bench at the top of the hill , and it hit me for the first time how nice it was that he chose that spot . I never realized until then that he probably did that on purpose so I wouldn 't have to go visit some sad arbitrary plot somewhere . " My words caught slightly in my throat . Then I realized that Eddie might visit Jeannie at a cemetery , and I kicked myself again . " I still don 't know what to do with Jeannie 's ashes , " he said . His eyes misted over , and I could tell he wanted to say something . A moment passed and he shook his head , changing his mind . " Leave it to you to make me cry . " " I decided to make some changes , " Eddie said , smiling . It lingered in the corners of his lips , revealing a side of Eddie I 'd never seen before . So it was a real one . " I 've been exercising more . I 'm up to doing an hour and a half on the elliptical machine every day at max resistance . And next week , I 'm playing Ultimate Frisbee with people a lot younger than me . I hope I don 't break anything . " He laughed . " Wow , that 's great . " When I first met him , he couldn 't walk or do the elliptical for more than ten minutes . I closed my menu but not before silently picking something to order for Alan : the lamb shank . He would like that . Another reflex . He looked back down at his menu , while I did the math . Jeannie had died in January . It was less than a year later . If it had been anyone else , I would have thrown him down the mountain already , but Eddie was different . I knew for a fact how much he loved Jeannie . I could see it in him , full , whole , and remarkably intact . And I realized , after the initial shock faded , that his asking another woman out did nothing to change that . Dinner with Eddie gave me hope . I thought about coming down from the mountain , even if just a little . But when I told my sister about Eddie starting to date again , she texted back , " Whattt ! ! ! Do people just not fall deep in love anymore ? ! ? ! ? ! ? " And it put me right back up on the summit . It seemed that 's where everyone else thought I should be . I didn 't dare tell her how I 'd found him brave . It took a while before I found the courage to tell anyone else , until one day it came up in conversation with my friend Angela . We 'd met at the same grief group that I knew Eddie from . Her husband Raymond didn 't have cancer ; he had died suddenly in June from a blood clot after surviving a stroke the previous month . We were both in our early thirties , and I knew she knew what it was like to walk around in the world like a ghost , only to have that feeling subside and be replaced with the sensation that your skin is turned inside out . She texted to ask how dinner was with Eddie , and I texted back about how he 'd started dating again . " No , you didn 't at all . I 'm truly happy for you . " And I really meant it . I expected to feel the surge of emotions as I had with Brown Eyes , but all I felt was relief . She loved and missed Raymond deeply . We talked about it all the time . And now she was seeing someone new . She was proof those two things could coexist . The realization radiated through me . Judgment Mountain began to crumble , and as it did , I recognized it for what it was : a place where I judged myself . I judged people for moving on too quickly because the truth was I was afraid I was moving on too fast . I wanted things to stay the same for as long as possible , to live in the world that Alan still lived in . But that world didn 't exist anymore . Could I still love Alan forever and simultaneously want to find someone new to share my life with ? I hated myself for even wanting to ask . As if asking was somehow an admission that Alan 's love wasn 't enough . That I was replacing him . That he was even replaceable . It was out of the question . But Eddie , Angela , and Brown Eyes helped me understand that it wasn 't the question that I had wrong - it was the answer . I wasn 't asking because Alan 's love hadn 't been enough . I was asking because it had been more than enough . It had lifted me and filled me and carried me gently when I didn 't even know I needed it . I could feel it when he watched me sleep in the morning , by the patient way he answered my questions on everything from foreign policy to the way last night 's movie had ended after I inevitably knocked out . I miss the blond hairs on his arms . I miss his smell . I miss sharing life with him . The yearning to find someone new isn 't a way of replacing him as I 'd feared . It 's a testament to how wonderful I know life can be with someone . And it 's because Alan showed me that that kind of love exists that I want to find it again . I don 't fully know what that means , but I 'm ready to let myself find out . My mom is nearly bald . Her hair started falling out in her late twenties , getting thinner and thinner , until what remained fell away after the round of chemotherapy she got for breast cancer treatment . The hospital gave her a wig , a short straight bob . Around the time strangers started confusing her for my dad , I tried to get her to wear it . She didn 't though . She hardly ever wore it , putting it on only for the rare special occasion . I asked her once why she 'd snipped a jagged hole in the bangs of her wig at my cousin 's wedding . She 'd said , " It 's too hot . " I didn 't want to admit it then , but , as the sweat pooled in the strapless bra I wore under my pale green bridesmaid 's dress , I understood what she meant . Sometimes it 's just too much trouble to look the part . " Okay , " I said . Nothing peculiar about that . I had no idea she knew people in Hawaii , but she was always making new friends at her Buddhist temple . Her words bounced off the back of my skull and landed in a soft pile where they remained to be thought about later . " My friends have a farm . They raise crops and sell the produce at the flea market , " my mom said , intrigued , a few weeks before our departure date . " They live in a little house on the land . " My mom 's friends weren 't rich , but they weren 't poor either . After all , they were getting by with that warm blue ocean in their backyard . It reminded me of a Kinfolk article . I pictured my mom 's new friends wearing stylish overalls in a refurbished Airstream . The video came up in her search for Cambodian Buddhist temples in Hawaii . It ended with a phone number on the screen that my mom promptly dialed . We were invited to come visit ; everyone was invited . ( It was the " everyone " bit that struck me as most creepy . ) The scene in my head changed from Kinfolk to Texas Chainsaw Massacre . This sounded not unlike that time a man lured people to his ranch by advertising a cheap car for sale on Craig 's List , only to shoot them all execution - style once they got there . Neither of my parents shared my concerns . Cambodian people wouldn 't do that , my dad said . " I guess " was the only clever response I could think of . When we got to Oahu , we spent half of our time exploring the island and the other half bobbing in the water at the beach in front of our hotel . My mom asked when we 'd go see her friends . Soon , I said . I was the only one properly insured to drive the rental van , and the rule - follower in me insisted I drive . Three days before the end of our vacation , after we 'd seen Mermaid 's Cave and eaten our fill of shaved ice , I decided the trip wouldn 't be ruined if we were to all die then . It was time . As I drove the van to the farm , I thought about the two sea turtles I 'd swum with and the five rainbows that arched in the sky that day . I 'd be going out on a high note for sure . To my surprise , I didn 't turn the van around , delivering us all back to the safety of our Waikiki high - rise hotel . I followed my mom 's lead : She had a way of knowing things . Like that time she knew she had a tumor growing inside her and insisted the doctor cut it out . Her mammogram results had come back negative just one month prior . Only after she kept insisting something was wrong did they send her back for more testing and confirm her suspicions of cancer . If something was up , she would be the first one to know . As I followed Google Map 's directions , the cramped city streets of Honolulu gave way to neighborhoods with more breathing room . I wondered where the farms were . I took a few turns before the map showed we were fast approaching our destination . Did we have the address right ? These homes had tennis courts . These homes were mansions . My dad called the phone number from the YouTube video and spoke with a man . We were in the right place . As we climbed out of the van , my sister Sophie and I laughed nervously the way you do when you 're pretty certain you 'll be okay but a small part of you still wonders if you might get shot . We walked down a long driveway to the house at the bottom . My mind struggled to make sense of what was happening . Three younger men moved about , preparing a charcoal barbecue next to an open garage , while an older man stood holding a cell phone . A young boy splashed in the swimming pool in the middle of the grassless front yard . There was no lawn , just concrete and a shabby L - shaped mansion serving as the backdrop . A tall white spiral staircase from the eighties connected the two sides of the " L . " Whoever designed it must have thought it lent the property a grand air , but the effect reminded me of the motels we stayed in on our family vacations as a kid . " Oh , right , " Tan Man said . " Well , this is where we live now . " He gave an apologetic shrug . Turning to face the other men , he said , " These are my sons and that 's their friend . " After a few more minutes of small talk , my mom said , " You guys hang out . " I shot wide eyes at her , willing her to say she 'd just be a few minutes . She didn 't notice and slipped away into the mansion with my dad and Tan Man . The hive mind was broken . " It 's hard making it here , " Toshi said . " Finding work , paying the bills . A one - bedroom apartment goes for a thousand dollars a month . A month . Can you believe it ? " Wrapped in a towel , Toshi 's son joined us at the table . He opened a container of poke and split apart a pair of wooden chopsticks . By the way he ate , I doubted all that fish would put a dent in his appetite . Rithy nodded in agreement . No one said anything ; I took the moment to listen for anything unusual . A muffled scream or a crash from inside . Only the sound of the wind filled my ears . " Oh , that 's a story , " Magnus said . " There was this Swedish couple watching the news one day . All of a sudden they decided to adopt a baby . The woman at the church they called said , ' Well , I don 't have a baby , but I do have an entire family . ' We were in Cambodia at the time when stuff was starting to get bad . My mom was pregnant with me and there was also my dad and two brothers . Whatever the couple was watching on TV that day must have been crazy because they decided to do it . They sponsored our family to come to the States . That 's why I have a Swedish name . " I might have asked why they didn 't all live in Sweden , but I couldn 't stop thinking about the logistics of adopting an entire family . A light , unseasonable rain fell , covering everything in a soft mist . A tropical storm was passing through the islands . " This ? " Magnus asked , surprised . " No , this belongs to this Japanese couple . They had it built quickly , so the floor plan is all fucked up . No one wants to buy it at $ 4 . 7 million . " Magnus got up to check on the grill . When he came back , he sat down and resumed drinking his beer . It was dark out now , and there was nothing to look at except each other and the empty garage we sat in . I fought the urge to look at my phone . I could tell Magnus had finished answering the question , but I 'd never stepped foot on a $ 4 . 7 million property before and wanted to know how one comes to barbecue in such a place . " My parents have a cleaning business and one of their clients is the owners ' daughter . She told her parents about my parents and they fell in love with my mom . Asked her to look after the place . " I nodded . The guys drank their beer . A lull in conversation settled over us like a fishing net trapping random sea creatures together . We weren 't sure how any of us came to be there . After a long while , Rithy asked Toshi and Magnus about an upcoming wedding . They talked about the friend who didn 't get an invite and laughed . I fiddled with my hands and half smiled like I understood the joke . They started talking about who was coming over with the meat skewers , who was bringing drinks . It clicked then that the reason for the barbecue was Magnus 's visit home . We were intruding on their party . " Mohammed 's here , " Toshi announced as a car pulled into the driveway . Looking at me , he said , " This is the only Cambodian Muslim you 'll ever meet on the island . Converted . Even changed his name . " With Mohammed there , the conversation turned a corner , quickly moving past us to inside jokes and gossip about people we didn 't know . The guys tended to grilling the meat and disappeared around the corner to smoke pot . We sat with Toshi 's son who had moved on to an octopus poke . The longer we sat there , the more I felt how I did in high school when my best friend and I crashed parties we weren 't invited to . We weren 't privy to those conversations either . When I couldn 't sit with my half - smile plastered on any longer , I went to the house to find the bathroom and did a double take as I stepped inside . There was no blood . No one on the ground having the life choked out of them . All four parents sat at the kitchen table , talking and laughing . Perhaps I would have been more patient had I stepped into a stickier situation , but I was annoyed that they were having the time of their lives . Meanwhile , sitting in the garage , the awkwardness pulled at my skin until I 'd wanted to tear it all off . I caught my mom 's eye and silently tried to convey how much we wanted to leave . No luck . I used the bathroom ( Magnus was right about this place : Even the bathroom in the apartment I rented back home was nicer than this ) and then walked back to the kitchen . She apologized to her friends about her kids ' picky tastes , but surprisingly , she and my dad wrapped up their conversation , got up , and followed me outside . As we walked back to the driveway , my mom told me her friends had invited her and my dad to come back and stay in one of the empty rooms . I turned and studied her friends ' faces one last time . Just in case . We went in a circle doing the praying - mantis , said goodbye to the group of guys steadily forming in the garage , and got back into our rental van . Before the van door had even swung shut , we unleashed on my mom . Sophie and I took turns , telling her how awkward it was , reprimanding her for leaving us like that . My mom didn 't say anything , letting us get it all out of our systems . She was in her own world anyway , one where people cleaned houses , lived in mansions , and went to the beach on their lunch break . Without getting the reaction out of her we wanted , we quickly lost steam . We moved on to swapping stories from inside and outside the house . Next time . I looked at her in the rearview , beaming in her seat and dreaming about all the possibilities . I shook my head and smiled . I didn 't doubt her for a second . It was May 22 when Alan died last year . Everyone around me was amazed by how well I managed , but that 's because they didn 't know the whole truth . By June , a little man had set up shop inside my chest . To be clear , the little man doesn 't live in my chest - he doesn 't have groceries in the refrigerator or put his feet up on the coffee table at the end of the day . To say he works there would be more accurate . The most surprising part of it all is when I look in the mirror : My husband is gone , my body harbors an invader , and I hardly look any different for it . I can see why people might think I 'm fine . I have never heard the little man say anything , not even a sigh , but I feel him . He 's the busiest when I miss Alan the most . I don 't know what his full job description states , but I have a good idea . His job is to ensure I feel everything I can 't show : the homesickness for a place I can never return , the crushing weight underlying the finality of it all . To get his point across , he launches intermittent campaigns throughout the day - " grief attacks , " I call them . Sometimes the attacks are big and violent , forcing me to crumple onto my couch , blinded by tears . Sometimes they are small , squeezing all the air out of my lungs . At first , living with the little man frightened me , but over the past nine months , we 've learned how to co - exist . When he wages his attacks , I can only let him . I alluded to the little man in the very beginning , back when people were still dropping off casserole dinners . They nodded with their mouths turned upside down and tried to imagine what it must be like . But after a while , everyone went back to their normal lives . I couldn 't blame them . I tried to , too , but nothing felt normal anymore . People stopped asking about the little man wreaking havoc in my chest . They wanted to know about my vacation plans , work , my new haircut . I brought him up less and less until I eventually stopped talking about him . This morning , the little man is very busy , making it hard to get out of bed . My body feels twice as heavy as normal , as if long , lead bars now occupy space in each of my limbs . The bars don 't take up all the space in my arms and legs , but they don 't rattle around either . They 're heavy , after all . The little man shields his eyes with his hand , looks up , and frowns . Dark clouds are in the forecast , threatening rain . They 've been brewing in my head over the last couple of days . I roll over onto my side , summoning the energy to get ready for work , and feel the lead weights follow a second later . I work at a mid - size tech company in Mountain View , California , where I do B2B marketing . Mostly that means putting together PowerPoint presentations that the sales team use to pitch solutions to clients . It sounds straightforward enough , but somehow my days are full of back - and - forth email exchanges , meetings , and rough drafts . Everything takes longer and involves more people to complete than you 'd imagine . For instance , this morning I am in a meeting with eight people to discuss logo designs and venue possibilities for an upcoming event . Two people present in the meeting , one person makes the decisions , and the rest of us are just along for the ride . The meeting eats up an entire hour of everyone 's day . Normally , I would get antsy thinking about the other things I could be doing in that hour , but it 's hard to care with the little man going on as he is . It 's strange being at work in the middle of one of his violent attacks . All my Alan memories , the sad ones reserved for when I 'm alone at night , bubble up dangerously close to the surface . I look around the room in a slight panic , but no one is paying any attention to me . All eyes are focused on the screen at the front of the room . I sit back in my chair and try to focus on the presenter 's explanation of this particular logo 's type treatment . After the meeting , I go back to my desk , and , in an attempt to keep the grief attack at bay , I scroll through the endless emails that have poured in over the weekend . I delete the ones that are spam , ignore ones that require nothing of me , and flag the rest to respond to later . Some emails are marked with an exclamation mark to denote the urgency of their contents , but after reviewing them again , I decide they can wait and begin making my list . Every day I make a to - do list . First , I write down each task that I need to complete . Then I go back through the list , writing a number next to each item according to its deemed priority . Priority assignment is based on the project requester , the deadline , and the number of people depending on it . These are just loose guidelines , though . Sometimes I 'll assign a task a higher priority just because I feel like working on it at the time . It 's funny because they 're just numbered items on a piece of paper , but as soon as I finish making it , I can focus . Without it , the fear that I 'm overlooking something else more important that I should be working on creeps in and paralyzes me . I have only prioritized about half of my tasks when I can feel my resolve crumbling at the edges . I catch myself slipping and hope the little man doesn 't notice . The little man , however , doesn 't miss a beat and seizes the opportunity to make inroads on his attack . He pulls me in , and I am helpless to stop it . I am back in our living room on that last day . Alan is lying in his hospital bed , next to the fireplace . He 's moving his arms and muttering words under his breath , as he has been for the past week . This morning his lips are the slightest shade of blue , his breathing has changed , and his knees are purple . Everyone else had missed it when they 'd left for my sister 's college graduation that morning . But I saw it . I knew everything was about to be different . I call hospice and talk to the nurse manager , explaining the changes in his condition . When I mention his purple knees , she pauses . Purple knees , I learn , are a sign that your time together is almost up . I ask the million - dollar question we 've been asking ever since he was first diagnosed : How long ? The nurse manager tells me she 'll send someone who 'll be able to assess the situation and give me a better timeframe . I hang up the phone . I don 't know what to do , so for the moment , I do absolutely nothing . I have never known Alan 's knees to be so telling . After I gather myself , I break apart again , crying in the chair next to Alan 's bed . I 'd been preparing for this moment , but I 'm not ready . I don 't even know if now is the right moment . If he has hours left , I should say goodbye now , but if he has days left , shouldn 't I wait ? The silence settles over us like a heavy layer of dust . I decide to say goodbye now , just in case , but everything that comes out sounds stupid . My voice isn 't my own . Finally , I lean into his ear and whisper . It sounds better when I don 't have to hear that voice that isn 't mine . I tell him how much I love him , that I 'll be okay , that he can go if he needs to . I read in one of the booklets hospice gave me that it 's important to " grant permission " for your loved one to let go . I don 't believe myself when I tell him I 'll be okay , but I hope they might be the magic words to bring him comfort . I sit back down and stare into his face , convinced I 'll see something register . But if it does , I can 't tell . His expression is unchanged , his arms still moving - A steady stream of people walk by my desk . I look at the clock in the corner of my computer screen . Lunch is fifteen minutes late . It 's normally served at eleven - thirty , and if it 's not served within ten minutes of that , people go crazy . That 's a slight exaggeration but not by much . Fearful that we might never eat again , people begin lining up in the cafeteria as if somehow that might help . I check the lunch calendar I keep pinned to my wall . Today we are having lunch from a restaurant named Pizza ? . There is an actual question mark in the name . The food finally arrives , and I can hear the soft roar in the cafeteria from my desk . After enough people walk past me with salad and pizza slices piled high on their plates , I walk to the kitchen to see what 's left . I place two slices of veggie pizza on a paper plate , fill a cup with water , and head to the lunch table where I usually eat with the rest of my team . At the last second , I think better of it and make a beeline for my desk . I don 't have the energy to make conversation today . It makes people uncomfortable when you just sit and listen . Most people need to fill the empty space with some kind of noise . In my experience , it 's only a matter of time before people run out of things to talk about . They start asking questions they already know the answer to or bringing up inconsequential topics . I find myself repeating things I already said or feigning interest . Short of wearing a tee - shirt that says " I don 't feel like talking , but I like sitting with you , " the only thing I can do is watch more movies . Whole worlds unfold in front of me , and I don 't have to say a word . And sometimes , though not always , movies can make me forget the little man 's even there . My favorite movie genre is science fiction , especially those of the apocalyptic and post - apocalyptic variety . People think it 's somewhat strange , but when your husband dies at thirty - one , the idea of everyone else dying en masse , holds a romantic allure . Almost every night , I watch a movie - sometimes even two or three . A part of me wonders if I 'm abusing them , like an illicit substance . I 'm sure a psychologist would ask if my movie - watching negatively affects my everyday life . I suppose it doesn 't really , except it irritates me to participate in conversations when I would much rather have them play out in front of me like on a movie screen . That might be one negative impact . But you never hear about movies ruining someone 's life , do you ? If I could only watch a movie right now , it might help me deal with the little man . But , being alone at my desk with only my veggie pizza to occupy me , I know he won 't let me off easy . As I chew , he taps around my right lung like he 's testing the quality of a cantaloupe . When he hears a sound that pleases him , he uses one hand to mark the spot and , with his other hand , removes a tiny straw from his back pocket . He raises it high above his head , then swiftly brings it down , puncturing a hole in my lung . I let out a small gasp . It 's a small straw , but I can feel the air escaping through it . I wonder if this is how it feels to have a collapsed lung . I know two people whose lungs collapsed : my friend Sue and a co - worker 's boyfriend . Neither of them even knew it had happened . Sue found out during a check - up the day after getting a lung mass the size of a golf ball biopsied . She says she didn 't feel a thing . The co - worker 's boyfriend was in college at the time , partying at a hotel in Mexico . He fell off the third - floor balcony and , if you can believe it , was picked up and carried back to his hotel room where his friends tucked him into bed for the rest of the night . It was only the next morning , after he 'd been taken to an American hospital by medevac , that his collapsed lung was discovered and a steel rod was placed through his body . Still , I think the average individual would feel something if his lung collapsed . Shortness of breath to say the least . So maybe it 's like this : You feel a collapsed lung , unless you have bigger things to worry about . Like the possibility of lung cancer or a broken back . Speaking of bigger things , the little man has finished with the straw , content with its placement , and is walking around with an Allen wrench . I 'm impressed by how much he 's able to store in those tiny pockets of his . I watch him scramble around , kneeling down to tighten screws in three separate places , knitting my ribs closer and closer together . When he is satisfied , he slips the wrench into his back pocket where it disappears with the rest of his toolbox contents . He wipes the sweat off his brow and admires his handiwork . The tightness in my chest is even more pronounced now . I swallow my last bite of pizza and it settles like a lump in the back of my throat . The combination of the straw in my lung and the bolts in my chest makes it incredibly hard to sit up . I want to writhe around , to shake the little man loose . Or at the very least , I 'd like to lie down . Maybe I will just keel over and die . You hear about that , don 't you ? It happens all the time with older couples : After years of marriage together , one dies and the other , perfectly healthy , save for the usual creaks and aches that old age brings , follows shortly after . I used to think maybe I could be so lucky . I 'm sure my friends and family worried for a while that I might do something stupid to harm myself , but I 'm afraid of pain and suffering . I 've seen enough of that . However , if I could somehow relay the message to my heart to just stop beating one day , that wouldn 't be such a bad deal . Nice and neat . To pull off such a feat must require a tremendous amount of trust and coordination between organs , the kind that only comes after spending a lifetime together . That 's the only way I can explain why only older people die of a broken heart . Young people just aren 't there yet with their anatomy . Even if they tell their hearts to stop beating , there 's no way for their hearts to know how serious they are . Sitting at my desk , I can 't move around too much or lie down , but I need to do something or else I might implode . I could cry . I 've cried at my desk before , the kind of tears that are hot and silent . But I don 't trust the character of these tears today . I feel them swell inside me , a water balloon the little man has filled too full . It threatens to burst at any minute . I throw the rest of my lunch in the trash and try to get it together . The water balloon is shaking . I look down and realize my hands are trembling . I want to tell her everything - that I can hardly breathe today , that the water balloon might pop at any minute . I open my mouth , but before I can get a word out , she turns back around to face her computer screen . I have one more meeting before the day is over . This one is with my marketing communications team , a sub - group within the larger marketing department . We meet once a week , usually on a Monday , to provide status updates on our projects . Sometimes we 'll show each other what we 're working on . We go in a circle , one by one . I try to focus on what my teammates are saying , but it 's hopeless . I sit quietly , taking shallow breaths in an attempt to keep everything inside . " This week … " I trail off . I look down at the to - do list I 've been working on all day . Just read off the list , I tell myself . " I 'm working on the positioning for the new media product . " The water balloon has stopped quivering quite as much . I place it on the table next to my notebook so I can read through my list faster . I 'm surprised that it stays put and doesn 't roll off the edge . " And that 's it , " I lie . I need to get out of the room . I can feel the little man boring holes in my chest , and I 'm certain everyone can see my discomfort . When I look up from my list , though , everyone is buried deep in their laptops . Lisa retracts her pen and places it back down on the table , concluding the meeting . Nobody can see the little man like they would a scar on my forehead . But he 's there in my chest all the time . So it 's just me and him . Me and him and the lonely thought that Alan would know but will never know . He would understand in the same way that he understood when we watched the movie about the retired couple visiting Paris . They go away together in the hopes of sparking romance in their tired marriage . It 's just a movie , of course , but watching them wandering through the cobblestone streets , arm in arm , made me feel a terrible pinch inside . I wanted to be in the middle of all those lights , walking on those streets , feeling Alan 's arm wrapped around me . I wanted all of those things I thought we would have . I hated the old couple . I looked at Alan asleep next to me , his face and body a shadow of what it used to be . He looked so peaceful , even though I knew seething pain waited for him just around the corner . The tumors in his pelvis ate away at his sacral bones , and physical activity as simple as shifting his weight had become a burden . It hit me that we would never adventure to a new city again , at least not in this life . Bitter tears rolled down my cheeks in disciplined silence . I was Alan 's cheerleader , his eternal optimist - that was my job . He could never know about my fears and doubts . As I cried , hating that old couple - hating all old couples - Alan 's hand reached out for mine . I turned , surprised he 'd woken up , to see his blue eyes fixed on me . I tried to stop crying , but I couldn 't . He held onto my hand , patiently waiting . |
A shoemaker named Simon , who had neither house nor land of his own , lived with his wife and children in a peasant 's hut , and earned his living by his work . Work was cheap , but bread was dear , and what he earned he spent for food . The man and his wife had but one sheepskin coat between them for winter wear , and even that was torn to tatters , and this was the second year he had been wanting to buy sheep - skins for a new coat . Before winter Simon saved up a little money : a three - rouble note lay hidden in his wife 's box , and five roubles and twenty kopeks [ 1 ] were owed him by customers in the village . So one morning he prepared to go to the village to buy the sheep - skins . He put on over his shirt his wife 's wadded nankeen jacket , and over that he put his own cloth coat . He took the three - rouble note in his pocket , cut himself a stick to serve as a staff , and started off after breakfast . ' I 'll collect the five roubles that are due to me , ' thought he , ' add the three I have got , and that will be enough to buy sheep - skins for the winter coat . ' He came to the village and called at a peasant 's hut , but the man was not at home . The peasant 's wife promised that the money should be paid next week , but she would not pay it herself . Then Simon called on another peasant , but this one swore he had no money , and would only pay twenty kopeks which he owed for a pair of boots Simon had mended . Simon then tried to buy the sheep - skins on credit , but the dealer would not trust him . Simon felt downhearted . He spent the twenty kopeks on vódka , and started homewards without having bought any skins . In the morning he had felt the frost ; but now , after drinking the vódka , he felt warm , even without a sheep - skin coat . He trudged along , striking his stick on the frozen earth with one hand , swinging the felt boots with the other , and talking to himself . ' I 'm quite warm , ' said he , ' though I have no sheep - skin coat . I 've had a drop , and it runs through all my veins . I need no sheep - skins . I go along and don 't worry about anything . That 's the sort of man I am ! What do I care ? I can live without sheep - skins . I don 't need them . My wife will fret , to be sure . And , true enough , it is a shame ; one works all day long , and then does not get paid . Stop a bit ! If you don 't bring that money along , sure enough I 'll skin you , blessed if I don 't . How 's that ? He pays twenty kopeks at a time ! What can I do with twenty kopeks ? Drink it - that 's all one can do ! Hard up , he says he is ! So he may be - but what about me ? You have house , and cattle , and everything ; I 've only what I stand up in ! You have corn of your own growing ; I have to buy every grain . Do what I will , I must spend three roubles every week for bread alone . I come home and find the bread all used up , and I have to fork out another rouble and a half . So just pay up what you owe , and no nonsense about it ! ' By this time he had nearly reached the shrine at the bend of the road . Looking up , he saw something whitish behind the shrine . The daylight was fading , and the shoemaker peered at the thing without being able to make out what it was . ' There was no white stone here before . Can it be an ox ? It 's not like an ox . It has a head like a man , but it 's too white ; and what could a man be doing there ? ' He came closer , so that it was clearly visible . To his surprise it really was a man , alive or dead , sitting naked , leaning motionless against the shrine . Terror seized the shoemaker , and he thought , ' Some one has killed him , stripped him , and left him here . If I meddle I shall surely get into trouble . ' So the shoemaker went on . He passed in front of the shrine so that he could not see the man . When he had gone some way , he looked back , and saw that the man was no longer leaning against the shrine , but was moving as if looking towards him . The shoemaker felt more frightened than before , and thought , ' Shall I go back to him , or shall I go on ? If I go near him something dreadful may happen . Who knows who the fellow is ? He has not come here for any good . If I go near him he may jump up and throttle me , and there will be no getting away . Or if not , he 'd still be a burden on one 's hands . What could I do with a naked man ? I couldn 't give him my last clothes . Heaven only help me to get away ! ' ' What are you doing , Simon ? ' said he to himself . ' The man may be dying of want , and you slip past afraid . Have you grown so rich as to be afraid of robbers ? Ah , Simon , shame on you ! ' Simon approached the stranger , looked at him , and saw that he was a young man , fit , with no bruises on his body , only evidently freezing and frightened , and he sat there leaning back without looking up at Simon , as if too faint to lift his eyes . Simon went close to him , and then the man seemed to wake up . Turning his head , he opened his eyes and looked into Simon 's face . That one look was enough to make Simon fond of the man . He threw the felt boots on the ground , undid his sash , laid it on the boots , and took off his cloth coat . ' It 's not a time for talking , ' said he . ' Come , put this coat on at once ! ' And Simon took the man by the elbows and helped him to rise . As he stood there , Simon saw that his body was clean and in good condition , his hands and feet shapely , and his face good and kind . He threw his coat over the man 's shoulders , but the latter could not find the sleeves . Simon guided his arms into them , and drawing the coat well on , wrapped it closely about him , tying the sash round the man 's waist . Simon even took off his torn cap to put it on the man 's head , but then his own head felt cold , and he thought : ' I 'm quite bald , while he has long curly hair . ' So he put his cap on his own head again . ' It will be better to give him something for his feet , ' thought he ; and he made the man sit down , and helped him to put on the felt boots , saying , ' There , friend , now move about and warm yourself . Other matters can be settled later on . Can you walk ? ' ' Why don 't you speak ? ' said Simon . ' It 's too cold to stay here ; we must be getting home . There now , take my stick , and if you 're feeling weak , lean on that . Now step out ! ' Simon was amazed . The man did not look like a rogue , and he spoke gently , but yet he gave no account of himself . Still Simon thought , ' Who knows what may have happened ? ' And he said to the stranger : ' Well then , come home with me , and at least warm yourself awhile . ' So Simon walked towards his home , and the stranger kept up with him , walking at his side . The wind had risen and Simon felt it cold under his shirt . He was getting over his tipsiness by now , and began to feel the frost . He went along sniffling and wrapping his wife 's coat round him , and he thought to himself : ' There now - talk about sheep - skins ! I went out for sheep - skins and come home without even a coat to my back , and what is more , I 'm bringing a naked man along with me . Matryóna won 't be pleased ! ' And when he thought of his wife he felt sad ; but when he looked at the stranger and remembered how he had looked up at him at the shrine , his heart was glad . Simon 's wife had everything ready early that day . She had cut wood , brought water , fed the children , eaten her own meal , and now she sat thinking . She wondered when she ought to make bread : now or to - morrow ? There was still a large piece left . She weighed the piece of bread in her hand again and again , and thought : ' I won 't make any more to - day . We have only enough flour left to bake one batch . We can manage to make this last out till Friday . ' ' If only the dealer does not cheat him . My good man is much too simple ; he cheats nobody , but any child can take him in . Eight roubles is a lot of money - he should get a good coat at that price . Not tanned skins , but still a proper winter coat . How difficult it was last winter to get on without a warm coat . I could neither get down to the river , nor go out anywhere . When he went out he put on all we had , and there was nothing left for me . He did not start very early to - day , but still it 's time he was back . I only hope he has not gone on the spree ! ' Hardly had Matryóna thought this , when steps were heard on the threshold , and some one entered . Matryóna stuck her needle into her work and went out into the passage . There she saw two men : Simon , and with him a man without a hat , and wearing felt boots . Matryóna noticed at once that her husband smelt of spirits . ' There now , he has been drinking , ' thought she . And when she saw that he was coatless , had only her jacket on , brought no parcel , stood there silent , and seemed ashamed , her heart was ready to break with disappointment . ' He has drunk the money , ' thought she , ' and has been on the spree with some good - for - nothing fellow whom he has brought home with him . ' Matryóna let them pass into the hut , followed them in , and saw that the stranger was a young , slight man , wearing her husband 's coat . There was no shirt to be seen under it , and he had no hat . Having entered , he stood neither moving , nor raising his eyes , and Matryóna thought : ' He must be a bad man - he 's afraid . ' Matryóna muttered something to herself and did not move , but stayed where she was , by the oven . She looked first at the one and then at the other of them , and only shook her head . Simon saw that his wife was annoyed , but tried to pass it off . Pretending not to notice anything , he took the stranger by the arm . Matryóna 's anger boiled over . ' I 've cooked , but not for you . It seems to me you have drunk your wits away . You went to buy a sheep - skin coat , but come home without so much as the coat you had on , and bring a naked vagabond home with you . I have no supper for drunkards like you . ' ' Much wisdom I shall hear from a drunken fool . I was right in not wanting to marry you - a drunkard . The linen my mother gave me you drank ; and now you 've been to buy a coat - and have drunk it , too ! ' ' Give me my jacket . It is the only one I have , and you must needs take it from me and wear it yourself . Give it here , you mangy dog , and may the devil take you . ' Simon began to pull off the jacket , and turned a sleeve of it inside out ; Matryóna seized the jacket and it burst its seams . She snatched it up , threw it over her head and went to the door . She meant to go out , but stopped undecided - she wanted to work off her anger , but she also wanted to learn what sort of a man the stranger was . Matryóna stopped and said : ' If he were a good man he would not be naked . Why , he hasn 't even a shirt on him . If he were all right , you would say where you came across the fellow . ' ' That 's just what I am trying to tell you , ' said Simon . ' As I came to the shrine I saw him sitting all naked and frozen . It isn 't quite the weather to sit about naked ! God sent me to him , or he would have perished . What was I to do ? How do we know what may have happened to him ? So I took him , clothed him , and brought him along . Don 't be so angry , Matryóna . It is a sin . Remember , we all must die one day . ' Angry words rose to Matryóna 's lips , but she looked at the stranger and was silent . He sat on the edge of the bench , motionless , his hands folded on his knees , his head drooping on his breast , his eyes closed , and his brows knit as if in pain . Matryóna was silent : and Simon said : ' Matryóna , have you no love of God ? ' Matryóna heard these words , and as she looked at the stranger , suddenly her heart softened towards him . She came back from the door , and going to the oven she got out the supper . Setting a cup on the table , she poured out some kvas [ 2 ] . Then she brought out the last piece of bread , and set out a knife and spoons . ' Yes , naked and freezing . Simon saw me and had pity on me . He took off his coat , put it on me and brought me here . And you have fed me , given me drink , and shown pity on me . God will reward you ! ' ' You have had the last of the bread , and I have not put any to rise . I don 't know what we shall do to - morrow . Perhaps I can borrow some of neighbour Martha . ' In the morning Simon awoke . The children were still asleep ; his wife had gone to the neighbour 's to borrow some bread . The stranger alone was sitting on the bench , dressed in the old shirt and trousers , and looking upwards . His face was brighter than it had been the day before . Simon said to him , ' Well , friend ; the belly wants bread , and the naked body clothes . One has to work for a living . What work do you know ? ' Then Simon showed him how to wax the thread . This also Michael mastered . Next Simon showed him how to twist the bristle in , and how to sew , and this , too , Michael learned at once . Whatever Simon showed him he understood at once , and after three days he worked as if he had sewn boots all his life . He worked without stopping , and ate little . When work was over he sat silently , looking upwards . He hardly went into the street , spoke only when necessary , and neither joked nor laughed . They never saw him smile , except that first evening when Matryóna gave them supper . Day by day and week by week the year went round . Michael lived and worked with Simon . His fame spread till people said that no one sewed boots so neatly and strongly as Simon 's workman , Michael ; and from all the district round people came to Simon for their boots , and he began to be well off . One winter day , as Simon and Michael sat working , a carriage on sledge - runners , with three horses and with bells , drove up to the hut . They looked out of the window ; the carriage stopped at their door , a fine servant jumped down from the box and opened the door . A gentleman in a fur coat got out and walked up to Simon 's hut . Up jumped Matryóna and opened the door wide . The gentleman stooped to enter the hut , and when he drew himself up again his head nearly reached the ceiling , and he seemed quite to fill his end of the room . Simon rose , bowed , and looked at the gentleman with astonishment . He had never seen any one like him . Simon himself was lean , Michael was thin , and Matryóna was dry as a bone , but this man was like some one from another world : red - faced , burly , with a neck like a bull 's , and looking altogether as if he were cast in iron . Then the gentleman shouted at him : ' You can , can you ? Well , remember whom you are to make them for , and what the leather is . You must make me boots that will wear for a year , neither losing shape nor coming unsewn . If you can do it , take the leather and cut it up ; but if you can 't , say so . I warn you now if your boots become unsewn or lose shape within a year , I will have you put in prison . If they don 't burst or lose shape for a year I will pay you ten roubles for your work . ' Simon stitched a paper measure seventeen inches long , smoothed it out , knelt down , wiped his hands well on his apron so as not to soil the gentleman 's sock , and began to measure . He measured the sole , and round the instep , and began to measure the calf of the leg , but the paper was too short . The calf of the leg was as thick as a beam . When he had gone , Simon said : ' There 's a figure of a man for you ! You could not kill him with a mallet . He almost knocked out the lintel , but little harm it did him . ' Then Simon said to Michael : ' Well , we have taken the work , but we must see we don 't get into trouble over it . The leather is dear , and the gentleman hot - tempered . We must make no mistakes . Come , your eye is truer and your hands have become nimbler than mine , so you take this measure and cut out the boots . I will finish off the sewing of the vamps . ' Again Matryóna wondered , but again she did not interfere . Michael sewed on steadily till noon . Then Simon rose for dinner , looked around , and saw that Michael had made slippers out of the gentleman 's leather . ' Ah , ' groaned Simon , and he thought , ' How is it that Michael , who has been with me a whole year and never made a mistake before , should do such a dreadful thing ? The gentleman ordered high boots , welted , with whole fronts , and Michael has made soft slippers with single soles , and has wasted the leather . What am I to say to the gentleman ? I can never replace leather such as this . ' And he said to Michael , ' What are you doing , friend ? You have ruined me ! You know the gentleman ordered high boots , but see what you have made ! ' Hardly had he begun to rebuke Michael , when ' rat - tat ' went the iron ring that hung at the door . Some one was knocking . They looked out of the window ; a man had come on horseback , and was fastening his horse . They opened the door , and the servant who had been with the gentleman came in . ' He did not live to get home after leaving you , but died in the carriage . When we reached home and the servants came to help him alight , he rolled over like a sack . He was dead already , and so stiff that he could hardly be got out of the carriage . My mistress sent me here , saying : " Tell the bootmaker that the gentleman who ordered boots of him and left the leather for them no longer needs the boots , but that he must quickly make soft slippers for the corpse . Wait till they are ready , and bring them back with you . " That is why I have come . ' Another year passed , and another , and Michael was now living his sixth year with Simon . He lived as before . He went nowhere , only spoke when necessary , and had only smiled twice in all those years - once when Matryóna gave him food , and a second time when the gentleman was in their hut . Simon was more than pleased with his workman . He never now asked him where he came from , and only feared lest Michael should go away . Simon was surprised . Michael never used to look out into the street , but now he pressed against the window , staring at something . Simon also looked out , and saw that a well - dressed woman was really coming to his hut , leading by the hand two little girls in fur coats and woolen shawls . The girls could hardly be told one from the other , except that one of them was crippled in her left leg and walked with a limp . The woman stepped into the porch and entered the passage . Feeling about for the entrance she found the latch , which she lifted , and opened the door . She let the two girls go in first , and followed them into the hut . ' We can do that . We never have made such small shoes , but we can make them ; either welted or turnover shoes , linen lined . My man , Michael , is a master at the work . ' Simon glanced at Michael and saw that he had left his work and was sitting with his eyes fixed on the little girls . Simon was surprised . It was true the girls were pretty , with black eyes , plump , and rosy - cheeked , and they wore nice kerchiefs and fur coats , but still Simon could not understand why Michael should look at them like that - just as if he had known them before . He was puzzled , but went on talking with the woman , and arranging the price . Having fixed it , he prepared the measure . The woman lifted the lame girl on to her lap and said : ' Take two measures from this little girl . Make one shoe for the lame foot and three for the sound one . They both have the same sized feet . They are twins . ' Simon took the measure and , speaking of the lame girl , said : ' How did it happen to her ? She is such a pretty girl . Was she born so ? ' ' How can I help being fond of them ? I fed them both at my own breasts . I had a child of my own , but God took him . I was not so fond of him as I now am of them . ' ' It is about six years since their parents died , both in one week : their father was buried on the Tuesday , and their mother died on the Friday . These orphans were born three days after their father 's death , and their mother did not live another day . My husband and I were then living as peasants in the village . We were neighbours of theirs , our yard being next to theirs . Their father was a lonely man ; a wood - cutter in the forest . When felling trees one day , they let one fall on him . It fell across his body and crushed his bowels out . They hardly got him home before his soul went to God ; and that same week his wife gave birth to twins - these little girls . She was poor and alone ; she had no one , young or old , with her . Alone she gave them birth , and alone she met her death . ' ' The next morning I went to see her , but when I entered the hut , she , poor thing , was already stark and cold . In dying she had rolled on to this child and crushed her leg . The village folk came to the hut , washed the body , laid her out , made a coffin , and buried her . They were good folk . The babies were left alone . What was to be done with them ? I was the only woman there who had a baby at the time . I was nursing my first - born - eight weeks old . So I took them for a time . The peasants came together , and thought and thought what to do with them ; and at last they said to me : " For the present , Mary , you had better keep the girls , and later on we will arrange what to do for them . " So I nursed the sound one at my breast , but at first I did not feed this crippled one . I did not suppose she would live . But then I thought to myself , why should the poor innocent suffer ? I pitied her , and began to feed her . And so I fed my own boy and these two - the three of them - at my own breast . I was young and strong , and had good food , and God gave me so much milk that at times it even overflowed . I used sometimes to feed two at a time , while the third was waiting . When one had enough I nursed the third . And God so ordered it that these grew up , while my own was buried before he was two years old . And I had no more children , though we prospered . Now my husband is working for the corn merchant at the mill . The pay is good , and we are well off . But I have no children of my own , and how lonely I should be without these little girls ! How can I help loving them ! They are the joy of my life ! ' The woman went away with the girls . Michael rose from the bench , put down his work , and took off his apron . Then , bowing low to Simon and his wife , he said : ' Farewell , masters . God has forgiven me . I ask your forgiveness , too , for anything done amiss . ' And they saw that a light shone from Michael . And Simon rose , bowed down to Michael , and said : ' I see , Michael , that you are no common man , and I can neither keep you nor question you . Only tell me this : how is it that when I found you and brought you home , you were gloomy , and when my wife gave you food you smiled at her and became brighter ? Then when the gentleman came to order the boots , you smiled again and became brighter still ? And now , when this woman brought the little girls , you smiled a third time , and have become as bright as day ? Tell me , Michael , why does your face shine so , and why did you smile those three times ? ' And Michael answered : ' Light shines from me because I have been punished , but now God has pardoned me . And I smiled three times , because God sent me to learn three truths , and I have learnt them . One I learnt when your wife pitied me , and that is why I smiled the first time . The second I learnt when the rich man ordered the boots , and then I smiled again . And now , when I saw those little girls , I learnt the third and last truth , and I smiled the third time . ' And Michael answered : ' God punished me for disobeying Him . I was an angel in heaven and disobeyed God . God sent me to fetch a woman 's soul . I flew to earth , and saw a sick woman lying alone , who had just given birth to twin girls . They moved feebly at their mother 's side , but she could not lift them to her breast . When she saw me , she understood that God had sent me for her soul , and she wept and said : " Angel of God ! My husband has just been buried , killed by a falling tree . I have neither sister , nor aunt , nor mother : no one to care for my orphans . Do not take my soul ! Let me nurse my babes , feed them , and set them on their feet before I die . Children cannot live without father or mother . " And I hearkened to her . I placed one child at her breast and gave the other into her arms , and returned to the Lord in heaven . I flew to the Lord , and said : " I could not take the soul of the mother . Her husband was killed by a tree ; the woman has twins , and prays that her soul may not be taken . She says : ' Let me nurse and feed my children , and set them on their feet . Children cannot live without father or mother . ' I have not taken her soul . " And God said : " Go - take the mother 's soul , and learn three truths : Learn What dwells in man , What is not given to man , and What men live by . When thou hast learnt these things , thou shalt return to heaven . " So I flew again to earth and took the mother 's soul . The babes dropped from her breasts . Her body rolled over on the bed and crushed one babe , twisting its leg . I rose above the village , wishing to take her soul to God ; but a wind seized me , and my wings drooped and dropped off . Her soul rose alone to God , while I fell to earth by the roadside . ' And Simon and Matryóna understood who it was that had lived with them , and whom they had clothed and fed . And they wept with awe and with joy . And the angel said : ' I was alone in the field , naked . I had never known human needs , cold and hunger , till I became a man . I was famished , frozen , and did not know what to do . I saw , near the field I was in , a shrine built for God , and I went to it hoping to find shelter . But the shrine was locked , and I could not enter . So I sat down behind the shrine to shelter myself at least from the wind . Evening drew on . I was hungry , frozen , and in pain . Suddenly I heard a man coming along the road . He carried a pair of boots , and was talking to himself . For the first time since I became a man I saw the mortal face of a man , and his face seemed terrible to me and I turned from it . And I heard the man talking to himself of how to cover his body from the cold in winter , and how to feed wife and children . And I thought : " I am perishing of cold and hunger , and here is a man thinking only of how to clothe himself and his wife , and how to get bread for themselves . He cannot help me . When the man saw me he frowned and became still more terrible , and passed me by on the other side . I despaired ; but suddenly I heard him coming back . I looked up , and did not recognize the same man : before , I had seen death in his face ; but now he was alive , and I recognized in him the presence of God . He came up to me , clothed me , took me with him , and brought me to his home . I entered the house ; a woman came to meet us and began to speak . The woman was still more terrible than the man had been ; the spirit of death came from her mouth ; I could not breathe for the stench of death that spread around her . She wished to drive me out into the cold , and I knew that if she did so she would die . Suddenly her husband spoke to her of God , and the woman changed at once . And when she brought me food and looked at me , I glanced at her and saw that death no longer dwelt in her ; she had become alive , and in her too I saw God . ' Then I remembered the first lesson God had set me : " Learn what dwells in man . " And I understood that in man dwells Love ! I was glad that God had already begun to show me what He had promised , and I smiled for the first time . But I had not yet learnt all . I did not yet know What is not given to man , and What men live by . ' I lived with you , and a year passed . A man came to order boots that should wear for a year without losing shape or cracking . I looked at him , and suddenly , behind his shoulder , I saw my comrade - the angel of death . None but me saw that angel ; but I knew him , and knew that before the sun set he would take that rich man 's soul . And I thought to myself , " The man is making preparations for a year , and does not know that he will die before evening . " And I remembered God 's second saying , " Learn what is not given to man . " ' What dwells in man I already knew . Now I learnt what is not given him . It is not given to man to know his own needs . And I smiled for the second time . I was glad to have seen my comrade angel - glad also that God had revealed to me the second saying . ' But I still did not know all . I did not know What men live by . And I lived on , waiting till God should reveal to me the last lesson . In the sixth year came came the girl - twins with the woman ; and I recognized the girls , and heard how they had been kept alive . Having heard the story , I thought , " Their mother besought me for the children 's sake , and I believed her when she said that children cannot live without father or mother ; but a stranger has nursed them , and has brought them up . " And when the woman showed her love for the children that were not her own , and wept over them , I saw in her the living God and understood What men live by . And I knew that God had revealed to me the last lesson , and had forgiven my sin . And then I smiled for the third time . ' ' It was not given to the mother to know what her children needed for their life . Nor was it given to the rich man to know what he himself needed . Nor is it given to any man to know whether , when evening comes , he will need boots for his body or slippers for his corpse . ' I remained alive when I was a man , not by care of myself , but because love was present in a passer - by , and because he and his wife pitied and loved me . The orphans remained alive not because of their mother 's care , but because there was love in the heart of a woman a stranger to them , who pitied and loved them . And all men live not by the thought they spend on their own welfare , but because love exists in man . And the angel sang praise to God , so that the hut trembled at his voice . The roof opened , and a column of fire rose from earth to heaven . Simon and his wife and children fell to the ground . Wings appeared upon the angel 's shoulders , and he rose into the heavens . |
A shoemaker named Simon , who had neither house nor land of his own , lived with his wife and children in a peasant 's hut , and earned his living by his work . Work was cheap , but bread was dear , and what he earned he spent for food . The man and his wife had but one sheepskin coat between them for winter wear , and even that was torn to tatters , and this was the second year he had been wanting to buy sheep - skins for a new coat . Before winter Simon saved up a little money : a three - rouble note lay hidden in his wife 's box , and five roubles and twenty kopeks [ 1 ] were owed him by customers in the village . So one morning he prepared to go to the village to buy the sheep - skins . He put on over his shirt his wife 's wadded nankeen jacket , and over that he put his own cloth coat . He took the three - rouble note in his pocket , cut himself a stick to serve as a staff , and started off after breakfast . ' I 'll collect the five roubles that are due to me , ' thought he , ' add the three I have got , and that will be enough to buy sheep - skins for the winter coat . ' He came to the village and called at a peasant 's hut , but the man was not at home . The peasant 's wife promised that the money should be paid next week , but she would not pay it herself . Then Simon called on another peasant , but this one swore he had no money , and would only pay twenty kopeks which he owed for a pair of boots Simon had mended . Simon then tried to buy the sheep - skins on credit , but the dealer would not trust him . Simon felt downhearted . He spent the twenty kopeks on vódka , and started homewards without having bought any skins . In the morning he had felt the frost ; but now , after drinking the vódka , he felt warm , even without a sheep - skin coat . He trudged along , striking his stick on the frozen earth with one hand , swinging the felt boots with the other , and talking to himself . ' I 'm quite warm , ' said he , ' though I have no sheep - skin coat . I 've had a drop , and it runs through all my veins . I need no sheep - skins . I go along and don 't worry about anything . That 's the sort of man I am ! What do I care ? I can live without sheep - skins . I don 't need them . My wife will fret , to be sure . And , true enough , it is a shame ; one works all day long , and then does not get paid . Stop a bit ! If you don 't bring that money along , sure enough I 'll skin you , blessed if I don 't . How 's that ? He pays twenty kopeks at a time ! What can I do with twenty kopeks ? Drink it - that 's all one can do ! Hard up , he says he is ! So he may be - but what about me ? You have house , and cattle , and everything ; I 've only what I stand up in ! You have corn of your own growing ; I have to buy every grain . Do what I will , I must spend three roubles every week for bread alone . I come home and find the bread all used up , and I have to fork out another rouble and a half . So just pay up what you owe , and no nonsense about it ! ' By this time he had nearly reached the shrine at the bend of the road . Looking up , he saw something whitish behind the shrine . The daylight was fading , and the shoemaker peered at the thing without being able to make out what it was . ' There was no white stone here before . Can it be an ox ? It 's not like an ox . It has a head like a man , but it 's too white ; and what could a man be doing there ? ' He came closer , so that it was clearly visible . To his surprise it really was a man , alive or dead , sitting naked , leaning motionless against the shrine . Terror seized the shoemaker , and he thought , ' Some one has killed him , stripped him , and left him here . If I meddle I shall surely get into trouble . ' So the shoemaker went on . He passed in front of the shrine so that he could not see the man . When he had gone some way , he looked back , and saw that the man was no longer leaning against the shrine , but was moving as if looking towards him . The shoemaker felt more frightened than before , and thought , ' Shall I go back to him , or shall I go on ? If I go near him something dreadful may happen . Who knows who the fellow is ? He has not come here for any good . If I go near him he may jump up and throttle me , and there will be no getting away . Or if not , he 'd still be a burden on one 's hands . What could I do with a naked man ? I couldn 't give him my last clothes . Heaven only help me to get away ! ' ' What are you doing , Simon ? ' said he to himself . ' The man may be dying of want , and you slip past afraid . Have you grown so rich as to be afraid of robbers ? Ah , Simon , shame on you ! ' Simon approached the stranger , looked at him , and saw that he was a young man , fit , with no bruises on his body , only evidently freezing and frightened , and he sat there leaning back without looking up at Simon , as if too faint to lift his eyes . Simon went close to him , and then the man seemed to wake up . Turning his head , he opened his eyes and looked into Simon 's face . That one look was enough to make Simon fond of the man . He threw the felt boots on the ground , undid his sash , laid it on the boots , and took off his cloth coat . ' It 's not a time for talking , ' said he . ' Come , put this coat on at once ! ' And Simon took the man by the elbows and helped him to rise . As he stood there , Simon saw that his body was clean and in good condition , his hands and feet shapely , and his face good and kind . He threw his coat over the man 's shoulders , but the latter could not find the sleeves . Simon guided his arms into them , and drawing the coat well on , wrapped it closely about him , tying the sash round the man 's waist . Simon even took off his torn cap to put it on the man 's head , but then his own head felt cold , and he thought : ' I 'm quite bald , while he has long curly hair . ' So he put his cap on his own head again . ' It will be better to give him something for his feet , ' thought he ; and he made the man sit down , and helped him to put on the felt boots , saying , ' There , friend , now move about and warm yourself . Other matters can be settled later on . Can you walk ? ' ' Why don 't you speak ? ' said Simon . ' It 's too cold to stay here ; we must be getting home . There now , take my stick , and if you 're feeling weak , lean on that . Now step out ! ' Simon was amazed . The man did not look like a rogue , and he spoke gently , but yet he gave no account of himself . Still Simon thought , ' Who knows what may have happened ? ' And he said to the stranger : ' Well then , come home with me , and at least warm yourself awhile . ' So Simon walked towards his home , and the stranger kept up with him , walking at his side . The wind had risen and Simon felt it cold under his shirt . He was getting over his tipsiness by now , and began to feel the frost . He went along sniffling and wrapping his wife 's coat round him , and he thought to himself : ' There now - talk about sheep - skins ! I went out for sheep - skins and come home without even a coat to my back , and what is more , I 'm bringing a naked man along with me . Matryóna won 't be pleased ! ' And when he thought of his wife he felt sad ; but when he looked at the stranger and remembered how he had looked up at him at the shrine , his heart was glad . Simon 's wife had everything ready early that day . She had cut wood , brought water , fed the children , eaten her own meal , and now she sat thinking . She wondered when she ought to make bread : now or to - morrow ? There was still a large piece left . She weighed the piece of bread in her hand again and again , and thought : ' I won 't make any more to - day . We have only enough flour left to bake one batch . We can manage to make this last out till Friday . ' ' If only the dealer does not cheat him . My good man is much too simple ; he cheats nobody , but any child can take him in . Eight roubles is a lot of money - he should get a good coat at that price . Not tanned skins , but still a proper winter coat . How difficult it was last winter to get on without a warm coat . I could neither get down to the river , nor go out anywhere . When he went out he put on all we had , and there was nothing left for me . He did not start very early to - day , but still it 's time he was back . I only hope he has not gone on the spree ! ' Hardly had Matryóna thought this , when steps were heard on the threshold , and some one entered . Matryóna stuck her needle into her work and went out into the passage . There she saw two men : Simon , and with him a man without a hat , and wearing felt boots . Matryóna noticed at once that her husband smelt of spirits . ' There now , he has been drinking , ' thought she . And when she saw that he was coatless , had only her jacket on , brought no parcel , stood there silent , and seemed ashamed , her heart was ready to break with disappointment . ' He has drunk the money , ' thought she , ' and has been on the spree with some good - for - nothing fellow whom he has brought home with him . ' Matryóna let them pass into the hut , followed them in , and saw that the stranger was a young , slight man , wearing her husband 's coat . There was no shirt to be seen under it , and he had no hat . Having entered , he stood neither moving , nor raising his eyes , and Matryóna thought : ' He must be a bad man - he 's afraid . ' Matryóna muttered something to herself and did not move , but stayed where she was , by the oven . She looked first at the one and then at the other of them , and only shook her head . Simon saw that his wife was annoyed , but tried to pass it off . Pretending not to notice anything , he took the stranger by the arm . Matryóna 's anger boiled over . ' I 've cooked , but not for you . It seems to me you have drunk your wits away . You went to buy a sheep - skin coat , but come home without so much as the coat you had on , and bring a naked vagabond home with you . I have no supper for drunkards like you . ' ' Much wisdom I shall hear from a drunken fool . I was right in not wanting to marry you - a drunkard . The linen my mother gave me you drank ; and now you 've been to buy a coat - and have drunk it , too ! ' ' Give me my jacket . It is the only one I have , and you must needs take it from me and wear it yourself . Give it here , you mangy dog , and may the devil take you . ' Simon began to pull off the jacket , and turned a sleeve of it inside out ; Matryóna seized the jacket and it burst its seams . She snatched it up , threw it over her head and went to the door . She meant to go out , but stopped undecided - she wanted to work off her anger , but she also wanted to learn what sort of a man the stranger was . Matryóna stopped and said : ' If he were a good man he would not be naked . Why , he hasn 't even a shirt on him . If he were all right , you would say where you came across the fellow . ' ' That 's just what I am trying to tell you , ' said Simon . ' As I came to the shrine I saw him sitting all naked and frozen . It isn 't quite the weather to sit about naked ! God sent me to him , or he would have perished . What was I to do ? How do we know what may have happened to him ? So I took him , clothed him , and brought him along . Don 't be so angry , Matryóna . It is a sin . Remember , we all must die one day . ' Angry words rose to Matryóna 's lips , but she looked at the stranger and was silent . He sat on the edge of the bench , motionless , his hands folded on his knees , his head drooping on his breast , his eyes closed , and his brows knit as if in pain . Matryóna was silent : and Simon said : ' Matryóna , have you no love of God ? ' Matryóna heard these words , and as she looked at the stranger , suddenly her heart softened towards him . She came back from the door , and going to the oven she got out the supper . Setting a cup on the table , she poured out some kvas [ 2 ] . Then she brought out the last piece of bread , and set out a knife and spoons . ' Yes , naked and freezing . Simon saw me and had pity on me . He took off his coat , put it on me and brought me here . And you have fed me , given me drink , and shown pity on me . God will reward you ! ' ' You have had the last of the bread , and I have not put any to rise . I don 't know what we shall do to - morrow . Perhaps I can borrow some of neighbour Martha . ' In the morning Simon awoke . The children were still asleep ; his wife had gone to the neighbour 's to borrow some bread . The stranger alone was sitting on the bench , dressed in the old shirt and trousers , and looking upwards . His face was brighter than it had been the day before . Simon said to him , ' Well , friend ; the belly wants bread , and the naked body clothes . One has to work for a living . What work do you know ? ' Then Simon showed him how to wax the thread . This also Michael mastered . Next Simon showed him how to twist the bristle in , and how to sew , and this , too , Michael learned at once . Whatever Simon showed him he understood at once , and after three days he worked as if he had sewn boots all his life . He worked without stopping , and ate little . When work was over he sat silently , looking upwards . He hardly went into the street , spoke only when necessary , and neither joked nor laughed . They never saw him smile , except that first evening when Matryóna gave them supper . Day by day and week by week the year went round . Michael lived and worked with Simon . His fame spread till people said that no one sewed boots so neatly and strongly as Simon 's workman , Michael ; and from all the district round people came to Simon for their boots , and he began to be well off . One winter day , as Simon and Michael sat working , a carriage on sledge - runners , with three horses and with bells , drove up to the hut . They looked out of the window ; the carriage stopped at their door , a fine servant jumped down from the box and opened the door . A gentleman in a fur coat got out and walked up to Simon 's hut . Up jumped Matryóna and opened the door wide . The gentleman stooped to enter the hut , and when he drew himself up again his head nearly reached the ceiling , and he seemed quite to fill his end of the room . Simon rose , bowed , and looked at the gentleman with astonishment . He had never seen any one like him . Simon himself was lean , Michael was thin , and Matryóna was dry as a bone , but this man was like some one from another world : red - faced , burly , with a neck like a bull 's , and looking altogether as if he were cast in iron . Then the gentleman shouted at him : ' You can , can you ? Well , remember whom you are to make them for , and what the leather is . You must make me boots that will wear for a year , neither losing shape nor coming unsewn . If you can do it , take the leather and cut it up ; but if you can 't , say so . I warn you now if your boots become unsewn or lose shape within a year , I will have you put in prison . If they don 't burst or lose shape for a year I will pay you ten roubles for your work . ' Simon stitched a paper measure seventeen inches long , smoothed it out , knelt down , wiped his hands well on his apron so as not to soil the gentleman 's sock , and began to measure . He measured the sole , and round the instep , and began to measure the calf of the leg , but the paper was too short . The calf of the leg was as thick as a beam . When he had gone , Simon said : ' There 's a figure of a man for you ! You could not kill him with a mallet . He almost knocked out the lintel , but little harm it did him . ' Then Simon said to Michael : ' Well , we have taken the work , but we must see we don 't get into trouble over it . The leather is dear , and the gentleman hot - tempered . We must make no mistakes . Come , your eye is truer and your hands have become nimbler than mine , so you take this measure and cut out the boots . I will finish off the sewing of the vamps . ' Again Matryóna wondered , but again she did not interfere . Michael sewed on steadily till noon . Then Simon rose for dinner , looked around , and saw that Michael had made slippers out of the gentleman 's leather . ' Ah , ' groaned Simon , and he thought , ' How is it that Michael , who has been with me a whole year and never made a mistake before , should do such a dreadful thing ? The gentleman ordered high boots , welted , with whole fronts , and Michael has made soft slippers with single soles , and has wasted the leather . What am I to say to the gentleman ? I can never replace leather such as this . ' And he said to Michael , ' What are you doing , friend ? You have ruined me ! You know the gentleman ordered high boots , but see what you have made ! ' Hardly had he begun to rebuke Michael , when ' rat - tat ' went the iron ring that hung at the door . Some one was knocking . They looked out of the window ; a man had come on horseback , and was fastening his horse . They opened the door , and the servant who had been with the gentleman came in . ' He did not live to get home after leaving you , but died in the carriage . When we reached home and the servants came to help him alight , he rolled over like a sack . He was dead already , and so stiff that he could hardly be got out of the carriage . My mistress sent me here , saying : " Tell the bootmaker that the gentleman who ordered boots of him and left the leather for them no longer needs the boots , but that he must quickly make soft slippers for the corpse . Wait till they are ready , and bring them back with you . " That is why I have come . ' Another year passed , and another , and Michael was now living his sixth year with Simon . He lived as before . He went nowhere , only spoke when necessary , and had only smiled twice in all those years - once when Matryóna gave him food , and a second time when the gentleman was in their hut . Simon was more than pleased with his workman . He never now asked him where he came from , and only feared lest Michael should go away . Simon was surprised . Michael never used to look out into the street , but now he pressed against the window , staring at something . Simon also looked out , and saw that a well - dressed woman was really coming to his hut , leading by the hand two little girls in fur coats and woolen shawls . The girls could hardly be told one from the other , except that one of them was crippled in her left leg and walked with a limp . The woman stepped into the porch and entered the passage . Feeling about for the entrance she found the latch , which she lifted , and opened the door . She let the two girls go in first , and followed them into the hut . ' We can do that . We never have made such small shoes , but we can make them ; either welted or turnover shoes , linen lined . My man , Michael , is a master at the work . ' Simon glanced at Michael and saw that he had left his work and was sitting with his eyes fixed on the little girls . Simon was surprised . It was true the girls were pretty , with black eyes , plump , and rosy - cheeked , and they wore nice kerchiefs and fur coats , but still Simon could not understand why Michael should look at them like that - just as if he had known them before . He was puzzled , but went on talking with the woman , and arranging the price . Having fixed it , he prepared the measure . The woman lifted the lame girl on to her lap and said : ' Take two measures from this little girl . Make one shoe for the lame foot and three for the sound one . They both have the same sized feet . They are twins . ' Simon took the measure and , speaking of the lame girl , said : ' How did it happen to her ? She is such a pretty girl . Was she born so ? ' ' How can I help being fond of them ? I fed them both at my own breasts . I had a child of my own , but God took him . I was not so fond of him as I now am of them . ' ' It is about six years since their parents died , both in one week : their father was buried on the Tuesday , and their mother died on the Friday . These orphans were born three days after their father 's death , and their mother did not live another day . My husband and I were then living as peasants in the village . We were neighbours of theirs , our yard being next to theirs . Their father was a lonely man ; a wood - cutter in the forest . When felling trees one day , they let one fall on him . It fell across his body and crushed his bowels out . They hardly got him home before his soul went to God ; and that same week his wife gave birth to twins - these little girls . She was poor and alone ; she had no one , young or old , with her . Alone she gave them birth , and alone she met her death . ' ' The next morning I went to see her , but when I entered the hut , she , poor thing , was already stark and cold . In dying she had rolled on to this child and crushed her leg . The village folk came to the hut , washed the body , laid her out , made a coffin , and buried her . They were good folk . The babies were left alone . What was to be done with them ? I was the only woman there who had a baby at the time . I was nursing my first - born - eight weeks old . So I took them for a time . The peasants came together , and thought and thought what to do with them ; and at last they said to me : " For the present , Mary , you had better keep the girls , and later on we will arrange what to do for them . " So I nursed the sound one at my breast , but at first I did not feed this crippled one . I did not suppose she would live . But then I thought to myself , why should the poor innocent suffer ? I pitied her , and began to feed her . And so I fed my own boy and these two - the three of them - at my own breast . I was young and strong , and had good food , and God gave me so much milk that at times it even overflowed . I used sometimes to feed two at a time , while the third was waiting . When one had enough I nursed the third . And God so ordered it that these grew up , while my own was buried before he was two years old . And I had no more children , though we prospered . Now my husband is working for the corn merchant at the mill . The pay is good , and we are well off . But I have no children of my own , and how lonely I should be without these little girls ! How can I help loving them ! They are the joy of my life ! ' The woman went away with the girls . Michael rose from the bench , put down his work , and took off his apron . Then , bowing low to Simon and his wife , he said : ' Farewell , masters . God has forgiven me . I ask your forgiveness , too , for anything done amiss . ' And they saw that a light shone from Michael . And Simon rose , bowed down to Michael , and said : ' I see , Michael , that you are no common man , and I can neither keep you nor question you . Only tell me this : how is it that when I found you and brought you home , you were gloomy , and when my wife gave you food you smiled at her and became brighter ? Then when the gentleman came to order the boots , you smiled again and became brighter still ? And now , when this woman brought the little girls , you smiled a third time , and have become as bright as day ? Tell me , Michael , why does your face shine so , and why did you smile those three times ? ' And Michael answered : ' Light shines from me because I have been punished , but now God has pardoned me . And I smiled three times , because God sent me to learn three truths , and I have learnt them . One I learnt when your wife pitied me , and that is why I smiled the first time . The second I learnt when the rich man ordered the boots , and then I smiled again . And now , when I saw those little girls , I learnt the third and last truth , and I smiled the third time . ' And Michael answered : ' God punished me for disobeying Him . I was an angel in heaven and disobeyed God . God sent me to fetch a woman 's soul . I flew to earth , and saw a sick woman lying alone , who had just given birth to twin girls . They moved feebly at their mother 's side , but she could not lift them to her breast . When she saw me , she understood that God had sent me for her soul , and she wept and said : " Angel of God ! My husband has just been buried , killed by a falling tree . I have neither sister , nor aunt , nor mother : no one to care for my orphans . Do not take my soul ! Let me nurse my babes , feed them , and set them on their feet before I die . Children cannot live without father or mother . " And I hearkened to her . I placed one child at her breast and gave the other into her arms , and returned to the Lord in heaven . I flew to the Lord , and said : " I could not take the soul of the mother . Her husband was killed by a tree ; the woman has twins , and prays that her soul may not be taken . She says : ' Let me nurse and feed my children , and set them on their feet . Children cannot live without father or mother . ' I have not taken her soul . " And God said : " Go - take the mother 's soul , and learn three truths : Learn What dwells in man , What is not given to man , and What men live by . When thou hast learnt these things , thou shalt return to heaven . " So I flew again to earth and took the mother 's soul . The babes dropped from her breasts . Her body rolled over on the bed and crushed one babe , twisting its leg . I rose above the village , wishing to take her soul to God ; but a wind seized me , and my wings drooped and dropped off . Her soul rose alone to God , while I fell to earth by the roadside . ' And Simon and Matryóna understood who it was that had lived with them , and whom they had clothed and fed . And they wept with awe and with joy . And the angel said : ' I was alone in the field , naked . I had never known human needs , cold and hunger , till I became a man . I was famished , frozen , and did not know what to do . I saw , near the field I was in , a shrine built for God , and I went to it hoping to find shelter . But the shrine was locked , and I could not enter . So I sat down behind the shrine to shelter myself at least from the wind . Evening drew on . I was hungry , frozen , and in pain . Suddenly I heard a man coming along the road . He carried a pair of boots , and was talking to himself . For the first time since I became a man I saw the mortal face of a man , and his face seemed terrible to me and I turned from it . And I heard the man talking to himself of how to cover his body from the cold in winter , and how to feed wife and children . And I thought : " I am perishing of cold and hunger , and here is a man thinking only of how to clothe himself and his wife , and how to get bread for themselves . He cannot help me . When the man saw me he frowned and became still more terrible , and passed me by on the other side . I despaired ; but suddenly I heard him coming back . I looked up , and did not recognize the same man : before , I had seen death in his face ; but now he was alive , and I recognized in him the presence of God . He came up to me , clothed me , took me with him , and brought me to his home . I entered the house ; a woman came to meet us and began to speak . The woman was still more terrible than the man had been ; the spirit of death came from her mouth ; I could not breathe for the stench of death that spread around her . She wished to drive me out into the cold , and I knew that if she did so she would die . Suddenly her husband spoke to her of God , and the woman changed at once . And when she brought me food and looked at me , I glanced at her and saw that death no longer dwelt in her ; she had become alive , and in her too I saw God . ' Then I remembered the first lesson God had set me : " Learn what dwells in man . " And I understood that in man dwells Love ! I was glad that God had already begun to show me what He had promised , and I smiled for the first time . But I had not yet learnt all . I did not yet know What is not given to man , and What men live by . ' I lived with you , and a year passed . A man came to order boots that should wear for a year without losing shape or cracking . I looked at him , and suddenly , behind his shoulder , I saw my comrade - the angel of death . None but me saw that angel ; but I knew him , and knew that before the sun set he would take that rich man 's soul . And I thought to myself , " The man is making preparations for a year , and does not know that he will die before evening . " And I remembered God 's second saying , " Learn what is not given to man . " ' What dwells in man I already knew . Now I learnt what is not given him . It is not given to man to know his own needs . And I smiled for the second time . I was glad to have seen my comrade angel - glad also that God had revealed to me the second saying . ' But I still did not know all . I did not know What men live by . And I lived on , waiting till God should reveal to me the last lesson . In the sixth year came came the girl - twins with the woman ; and I recognized the girls , and heard how they had been kept alive . Having heard the story , I thought , " Their mother besought me for the children 's sake , and I believed her when she said that children cannot live without father or mother ; but a stranger has nursed them , and has brought them up . " And when the woman showed her love for the children that were not her own , and wept over them , I saw in her the living God and understood What men live by . And I knew that God had revealed to me the last lesson , and had forgiven my sin . And then I smiled for the third time . ' ' It was not given to the mother to know what her children needed for their life . Nor was it given to the rich man to know what he himself needed . Nor is it given to any man to know whether , when evening comes , he will need boots for his body or slippers for his corpse . ' I remained alive when I was a man , not by care of myself , but because love was present in a passer - by , and because he and his wife pitied and loved me . The orphans remained alive not because of their mother 's care , but because there was love in the heart of a woman a stranger to them , who pitied and loved them . And all men live not by the thought they spend on their own welfare , but because love exists in man . And the angel sang praise to God , so that the hut trembled at his voice . The roof opened , and a column of fire rose from earth to heaven . Simon and his wife and children fell to the ground . Wings appeared upon the angel 's shoulders , and he rose into the heavens . |
One participant had been virtually aphasic ( without speech ) since her stroke , and her husband had largely conveyed her story in the workshop - however , when the script was complete , the woman astonished us all by reading her own part aloud to the group . Tears were shed by us all . We marvelled at how the brain and the sheer will to self - express can collude to make seemingly impossible communication occur . In stroke terms I 'm one year old . I had no movement on this side of my body , I was like a child … so I 'm one because I 've advanced to the abilities of a one year old . You 're reborn again . This side , it more flops about more than it is controlled , not a great deal of strength , but I do have some control of it compared to a year ago . I didn 't even realise I 'd had a stroke until they told me in hospital . I 'd had a splitting headache for two weeks . So , a bit of a shocker . Isn 't it ? I thought I was going to get over it quicker , but it 's going to take time . I felt like I needed to be there for my family but I couldn 't be , so that was quite hard . I didn 't know if I was coming or going really , and still don 't really understand it all . What happened . The whole package . There 's a mystery around it all for me . There I was , I couldn 't speak , I 'd lost all my balance . But then I discovered , I could sing ! I couldn 't utter a single word , but I could sing . I was humming to myself , ' Somewhere over the rainbow ' , humming to myself … ! When I realised , I started crying . I could sing ! I come from a musical family - I used to play the piano . I 'm starting again . I 'm getting there - it 's a struggle - I have a piano at home so I do my scales . I 'm getting there . I believe the brain can reconnect itself . It doesn 't matter in what time . This is one piece of advice I would perhaps give you and that is not to worry about time but to spend time , perhaps for the first time in a long time , on yourself , on concentrating on getting yourself better . And to try and do as many things as you possibly can . It is incredibly tiring , the amount of brainwork it takes to get things done - don 't be hard on yourself just have a rest and then you can try again . In the beginning , definitely sleeping helps . It takes time for your brain to reconnect , for your body to obey your brain . It 's a bit rude , but my brother said when I could give someone the bird , then I would be on the way to recovery . I opened my hand out and he said , ' Go on , show me your middle finger ! ' , and I strained and eventually did it and he was cheering ! My brother 's wonderful . But generally , nobody knows about stroke and what it does to you , so nobody knows what to do or how to help . It 's very difficult for families , especially if you have young children . At first I didn 't let my son into the hospital because I didn 't want him to see me as I was - I referred to myself as a vegetable , and then as I got a bit more mobile , as a jellyfish . When I was inanimate , on the ward , it wasn 't just me there , it was all the other people - who obviously were recovering at different rates - it would have been very distressing for him to see not just them but his own mum too , not being at all well . Sometimes , I just shut it out and then I don 't have to think about it . I don 't think about it , but when I talk about it , it brings it all up . After the stroke , I was angry so I pushed people away . We hurt the ones we love . There is an anger - why did it happen ? Why me ? And your life flashes before you , you know , like you 've died , and you 've been reborn . And you don 't know how much mobility you 'll get back . I lay in hospital for a while writing myself a bucket list of what I could still do . I thought either I lie here or I get on with it , and having children , just lying there wasn 't an option really . So I just had to get on with it , and I 've moved house since and all sorts … with difficulty , but you know all these things you have to do in life , it 's perhaps made me stronger . Nonetheless , it 's disappointing that having done all that I 'm not fully better yet but the fact I 've done so much has probably helped . I had people say to me , " Oh well , what you don 't get back in the first six weeks you 'll never get back " , which is quite scary and also , not true . So I was in a mad panic and even though it took me a long time , in those first weeks , I tried to do everything I could for myself . Just things like having a shower and unscrewing bottles and the movement of cleaning myself , it took me absolutely hours . You have to really concentrate , because it takes that much effort . I was famous in the hospital for the water escaping from underneath the bathroom door . Just spend the time … you can only do things really slowly . . but I think its important to give yourself that time . Some things , I didn 't know where to start , even just picking up the shampoo bottle , you 'd pick it up but then have to concentrate on just holding it , otherwise your hand just lets go and it 's gone . And then you 've got shampoo all over the place ! There isn 't so much time in the day after you 've had a stroke , because everything takes so much longer . You plan to do something and you get about half way through and the day is gone . I get pleased with what I 've done and that cheers me up . At the end of the day , I tend to think , what have I done today and I say I 've done that and I 've done that , that was good . But I do get frustrated I must admit . I don 't think you can help it . So another piece of advice I 'd give is just don 't be hard on yourself . If you get to the end of the day and you can remember what you should have done , well , don 't worry about it . It 's not worth it . Let it get you organised and motivated for what you can do the next day . You 've got to think about doing things more slowly . You 've got to focus more , concentrate more . Little things around the house , I 'd tend to try to do things and I 'd stay there until I got myself worked up , instead of walking away and going back and doing it again after a while . Cleaning is quite physical - vacuuming and wiping things - the physiotherapist when I was in hospital said those sort of movements are good for you . Being active gives you a sense of self , it 's part of moving on . Before I had my stroke I 'd be reading two books at a time . … now I can read two and a half pages of a book , but really concentrating . It 's my memory . I get to the end of a page and it 's gone . I try to read at least one page every day , but my mind gets really tired . The other day , I read three pages , and I had to go to bed , because I couldn 't see anything after that . It was too much for me . And it 's the same with talking , when I 'm trying to explain something , I can 't , it stops . And that 's it . Some people though , they read more since having their stroke , because it is something they can still do , and they can do it sitting down and they enjoy it , reading about other people 's situations , and their emotions , learning a good deal about life as they read the story . People look at me on a good day and think there 's nothing wrong with me , but it 's up here . You have good days and bad days . There isn 't a definitive manual , just perhaps general principles . It 's good to have family members who can coax you gradually , who can push you a little bit , when you are low or depressed , to do the things you need to do , like exercise . People who can be hard and loving at the same time . It 's good to be in the same room as someone else , even if you are doing different things . It 's hard for both parties . There are times when everyone cries , when the frustration gets too much and you take it out on someone else . But as long as you say sorry at the end . . ! Your family members need to look after themselves too . Take some time out for themselves , because it can be a long haul . They need to go off and do something that gives them a break from the bedside or the worry . Sometimes they 're faced with losing the person that they knew before . So they need to seek people who can support them with their feelings of loss or sadness . Your life changes completely , but there is a new road to discovery . I have discovered how stubborn I am about getting better ! Look after yourself , not just in a physical way , but in an emotional way . Some of the things I do now , like not being so hard on myself , I wish I 'd done before . I could blame the doctors , who didn 't do the tests when I went in with my headaches over those crucial two weeks … but why should I ? The doctors just gave me painkillers , when they could have picked up I was having a stroke . But you 've got to accept that . When I think back to the early days I can do so much more now . And I have found it has brought out the kindness in everybody . Everyone is so helpful , so sensitive . Everything has got still to carry on , but you must do it at your own pace . Make the most of your life , see it as your chance . I feel I was rewarded by survival really , because I could have been … gone . So now I 'm on the other side , I fight for it . [ To audience ] They say you should keep healthy to prevent a stroke ; well I had just lost four whole stone , [ to husband , imagined beside her ] hadn 't I ? Walking , gardening , hill - walking , travelling . And the weekends were spent in the caravan . We weren 't stay - at - homers . We were really active and nothing could stop us . Well , that morning , I 'd been painting the ceiling . It was my grand - daughter 's birthday party that afternoon , so I cleaned the paintbrushes and drove over to Clare 's , my daughter 's house . I pulled the car up at the curb and went to get out , but my leg wouldn 't come with me . I thought , ' That 's funny , I 've got a dead leg . ' I felt a bit dizzy and I said to myself , ' That white spirit went right to your head . ' So , you know , I just pulled my leg out and headed towards the house . Two minutes later , I am walking up a garden path , and I 'm thinking to myself , ' Clare 's got new plants pots . I don 't remember these ! ' , when Clare 's friend , Rachel calls out to me , ' Eileen , where are going ? You 're at the wrong house ! ' Well , I was too . We laughed . I 'd been a Girl Guide leader for 30 years , and here I was lost as can be on my daughter 's own street . We got to Clare 's just as they were singing happy birthday . I 'm eating some birthday cake , and my daughter says , " Mum , you 're not eating the cake . " Not eating it ? Well , it 's true , I wasn 't swallowing it . It wasn 't going down . And I was talking slurred , as if I was drunk . We were all First Aiders in the family , we should have known . We 'd seen it on TV . ' F . A . C . E . ' How stupid we were ! But , you see , I thought it was the white spirit . And I seemed to come back round . So I took an aspirin … for the headache . Well , it was later that evening , when I had been sick and had lost the feeling in my hand too , that I phoned NHS direct . They asked me a barrage of questions , pointless really , and eventually I said , " You see , I think I 've had a stroke , and I 'd like to talk to a paramedic . " I could hear the women on the end of the phone pause and breathe in . " The paramedics are very busy , " she said . " But I 'll see if one can come out to you . " Everyone blames each other , you see . Why didn 't we phone 999 immediately ? But , at the time , you don 't think it 's a stroke . The doctors were amazing . They gave me a clot - busting injection , though it was really too late . I took it , but it didn 't help . And quietly , as the stroke took over , I slipped away into unconsciousness . For two weeks I knew nothing . Nothing . [ To husband ] You just sat by my bed , didn 't you ? For ages . And when I eventually began to come round , I couldn 't get the words out . They asked me questions , and the answer that came out was the opposite to what I wanted to say . I felt so helpless . The words just wouldn 't come out . I could understand most of the questions , but the answers got stuck in my head . The noise on the ward was so difficult . And the fact that we were so helpless . You 'd ring the buzzer , and sometimes no one would come . You 'd need the toilet , but you couldn 't go on your own . And no one would come . You 'd see the nurse take a peek , and then go away . If you weren 't dying or on the floor , they 'd just leave you to it sometimes . One lady asked for a complaint form , and the nurse said she 'd bring one , but it never materialised . And when her daughter went to ask for one , she was told they 'd been taken away . I did physiotherapy every day if I could . They 've got twelve weeks to get you fit enough to go home , if you are lucky enough to have family to look after you at home . I was told at the hospital , " Your family have said they are willing to have you at home . " It gave me such a shock . I couldn 't imagine otherwise , but there are families who can 't , or won 't , look after their relatives after a stroke . I 'm back at home now and I 'm starting to feel a bit better . We put a banister on both sides of the stairs . At first , I 'd be just kicking the step , I couldn 't lift my leg . But [ to husband ] you said , ' Just stand still , and get your foot up . ' And eventually , I did . It 's down to teamwork , you see . And not giving up . It 's so easy to lose confidence in yourself . But I started going to the Stroke Association 's lifestyle group at the sports centre where they have talks about stroke . We start with an hour of exercise . At first , we all stayed in a room off to one side , but now we actually go into the gym and use the equipment . It 's that sort of thing that gives you your confidence back . At first I felt angry , really angry . Why me ? Why a stroke ? But I understand more about stroke , and in understanding it , the frustration starts to go . I feel calmer now . We 've even started using the caravan again . Last time we went , the car needed driving across the field . It was empty , so my husband says , you drive it over . And I did . You see , I 'm proving to myself that I can do things I 'd thought I 'd never do again . And my speech is coming back , at its own pace . At the group , we had a theatre session . The director came in and introduced herself to me . She asked me my name , and my name wouldn 't come out : ' Ei … Ei … ' Eventually , [ nodding at husband ] he says , ' Eileen . She 's called Eileen . ' The session starts and they want volunteers to read the script . Other people in the group read , and then , when they want one last volunteer , [ nodding at husband ] he goes , ' Eileen 'll have a go . She can 't always talk in conversation , but if it 's written down … ' So , they put the script in my hand , and … I start to read , out loud . It all comes out , sentence after sentence . My brain is picking up the words on the page and the words are coming out . I look up , and everyone 's amazed . Eileen ? But she can 't talk ! Some of them have got tears in their eyes . You see , there 's no second - guessing stroke . It leaves you with a million possibilities , if you are game enough to try . February the second , two years ago this next February . I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and I just couldn 't stand up straight , I kept falling to the side . The hairdresser comes that day and always I open the gate for her . That day she noticed that gate was shut , and then she looked at the breakfast table through the window and saw that my breakfast things were still on the table , so she went running round to her mother and got my front door key off my friend . The next thing I knew the ambulance men were there . I would say , don 't give up however hard it is . It 's hard . Very , very hard . It cuts down your life terribly really , for going out and things , especially if you haven 't got someone . I think … you 've just to go on with your life and get on with it . It was July of last year and I walked into the hospital and said at the desk , " I don 't feel so good , I think I 've had a stroke . " And they kept me in for a couple of days . I think probably I 'd had one the previous month , but I hadn 't recognised it , but the second time I didn 't feel too bright and I was wrestling in the middle of the night to get my dressing gown on and the arms wanted to go through the head and the head wanted to go through the arms … So that was that . I stayed in for a couple of nights and then came out . The rest was just rebuilding my life from there . I had several people from the Stroke Association coming in the early days , and they still do , but apart from that it 's been something I 've had to tackle on my own . I suppose I am strong in that respect . My children have their own lives and the last thing I really want to do is worry them . I think the stroke has made me determined to beat it - it feel it as something to be beaten . I will fight it . I 'm determined not to have another stroke . Although I detest having to take the medicine , I suppose it 's inevitable really , I 've got to take it , but I 'm determined one way or the other , to try to find alternative routes by exercise and by eating the correct things , and to try to eliminate and reduce the dependency on the medicine . Learning to have communication without using only words . People who listen . I can commiserate with you , being on your own . I feel for you . The words come and they go again . When emotions come , the words get harder . Everyone 's so wonderful . You 're so lovely . You are . Everyone is so kind . Listen . Listen . I would say , understand the carers . They are all such wonderful people , they really are . So helpful . Professionals come to my home two times a week , from the Stroke Association or the local authority . People need compassion and understanding , the understanding of the family situation , and the victim , and the carers in particular . Before the stroke I was a very active person . I 'm one of the most impatient people you 've ever met , so not being able to do things , I find very difficult . Doing up shirt buttons … My wife does so much for me ; it 's very difficult for her . It can be such a long turn , and carers need patience , and tolerance too . I don 't think at the beginning you realise how long a road it 's going to be . I didn 't realise I 'd had a stroke for sometime . I was on holiday in March and I 'd had a couple of falls while I was on holiday and didn 't think much of it . I came home and was treated for a while with depression , and the months went on and then just before Christmas they did a scan and the stroke showed up on the scan . So I 'd gone from the March to the December not knowing I 'd had the stroke at all . And I 'm only now having treatment for the stroke . So it took me very much by surprise really . I 've had other health problems too , some related to the stroke , and others , I don 't know if they are due to the stroke . I 've lost my sense of taste . I 'm not sure if that 's because of the stroke or something else . So I have to try and be positive about myself and it 's not always easy . You just try and learn to deal with it day to day - without too much trying to grumble about it all the time ! I find it nice to be able to share things sometimes with other people who have had the same , or similar experiences , so you are not on your own with it ; they have an understanding about what 's going on . There 's a sense of togetherness . You 're not in it alone . You 're sharing with others . 4 . 20am . I jumped out of bed to go to work and there were no legs there . I fell on the floor and , for the next four hours , until the policeman knocked the door down , to get me up , I didn 't know anything . My deputy at work had arrived at work and found my work had not been done - ' cause I usually start at 5 o ' clock . He 'd turned up at 8 o ' clock . Because I 'm diabetic , he 'd thought I was possibly in a diabetic hypo and he 'd called the police . They 'd arrived with a paramedic at about 8 o ' clock , just gone , and for two or three days after that , I don 't remember what happened . But apparently , I nearly died . Apparently , a lot of us do . You have to be patient and you have to be really , really strong , because you get really easily depressed which I did . The only good thing I would say is that I lost 5 stone . I wouldn 't recommend it as a cure for being overweight ! I want to say something about the people who care for us . In the last couple of years we seem to have heard a lot in the television and the papers about carers who haven 't been good . But I can say … hand on heart … the care I have received has been brilliant . They are caring people who don 't get enough attention for what they do for us . That is the most important thing , the doctors and the nurses , physios , they all help to get us back to here , where we are . If you had seen me two years ago compared to what I am like now … I am like this because of what they have done . The carers don 't know me . This is the thing , nobody knows me yet they are willing to give their time to make sure … to mend me . That is the main thing - they are trying to mend me and push me back out as soon as I can go . And you can 't really put that into words , what it means . He wants to tell you something . He starts and he can 't get it out . I say to him , " Take your time , it 'll come in a minute . " I think , when the professionals tell you that things won 't improve after , I think they said , eighteen months , two years - well , that is absolute rubbish ! Don 't set any time limits . It may be a very small improvement , but things change constantly , and sometimes they get worse , sometimes they go back , sometimes they go forward . I mean the basic disability we recognise won 't go away , but just small changes take on a very great importance . We call Laura ' Britannica ' sometimes ! It 's all still there . When she had her stroke , she was studying Biology at the Open University - she was in her last year . And now , she 'll watch TV , like Frozen Planet and she remembers it all , the names of all the animals … and in a way , that makes it worse . I was working at the time of the stroke . I took early retirement to be with her . You 've got to be a lot more patient . It is extremely difficult . There 's the frustration with the person who can 't communicate too . You need to be prepared to do many things you perhaps never did before , whether it be ironing , washing , making a bed , assisting all the time , making sure that if they are out with you that they are holding hands with you , because in my case she does drag one of her legs and so quite often trips . So it 's about doing many things you didn 't do before . Getting a cover on an eiderdown . In the hospital , we had a particularly arrogant consultant , a stroke consultant , that 's all he did , was strokes , I think for too long . And when I look back know , Laura was unconscious for ( cries ) two weeks , and he said , " Oh well , we 'll have to put a peg in her stomach if she doesn 't eat within two days . " He was so arrogant . I found a complete difference between the nurses … I mean I know they 're criticised … but I found particularly the head nurse , the matron , was very helpful . She was practical , down to earth , and a complete contrast to the consultant who … well , they think they 're gods don 't they ? Fortunately , neither Laura nor myself had had any contact with hospitals , so this was a completely strange environment for me and was this guy in charge and you do tend to … well I have an aversion to people in authority … but this guy 's dealing with people who 've had strokes , all day everyday . But he was just so clinical . We had a review meeting , and unfortunately my daughter came with me , and it was just so dispassionate . Impersonal . I know he shouldn 't give you false hope , but it was the opposite . Mind you , my husband didn 't even see a consultant . This was six years ago . He lay in A & E all day , til 11 o ' clock at night , for lack off beds . Well eventually , he ended up on the only bed they had , in the orthopaedic ward . And there he stayed . And nothing was being done and I 'd keep going to the Sister and asking what was happening , and she 'd say , " He 's nothing to do with me . This is not a medical ward , it 's an orthopaedic ward . He 's not my patient . " And I 'd say , " But you 're the Sister on the ward , so why has he not seen someone ? " This went on for three or four days . One orthopaedic doctor , who was a neighbour of ours at home , came to see the chap opposite David in the ward and turned round and said , " What are you doing here David ? " I explained , he 's not seen anyone . He said " Leave it with me . " He went back and found David 's notes from his heart attack . And the heart specialist came up to see him … But he never ever went on to a stroke ward or saw a stroke specialist . He was in hospital for two weeks . Any window for treatment , early intervention was closed . Laura was put on the medical assessment ward , mixed at the time . People exposing themselves left , right and centre . No one gave her any help , no one was there to feed her , she was just left by herself . And even when she left the assessment ward . There weren 't any stroke wards in those days . So she just went from one ward to another . That was it . David was not treated at all . He was in a medical assessment unit with the lights on all day and night . I was thinking , I 'd have been better off at home , because I could have rung the doctor . That 's what I thought standing beside his bed , and I 'm talking about standing beside his bed for days , thinking ' I 'd be better off at home , because I could ring the doctor . ' It was worse than I can possibly say . The most dreadful experience . And he was getting a temperature . And I managed to find a nurse with great trouble , and she said she would get him something , actually he couldn 't have swallowed so I don 't know what she 'd have done , but she never came back . It was the most dreadful , dreadful experience . However , it 's much better now . When he came out of hospital , he was half - blind , couldn 't move his right side so in fact had to be in a wheel chair , couldn 't speak at all , he couldn 't see because he wasn 't merely half - blind , he had double vision , he couldn 't read , so was in a sense completely cut off . Anyway , a couple of weeks ago , he walked down to Marks & Spencer 's and bought himself a pair of pants . ( Cries ) It may not seem much , but to me it 's a miracle . He walks to the stroke communication club by himself . And back again . I ask myself , how many years did that take ? Six . Six years . So things do improve . On the day of the club , I don 't have any problems getting Laura up . If we 're not going out anywhere , I can 't get her up until one o ' clock , half past one in the afternoon . She 's motivated to come because she does appreciate mental stimulation . Laura is very competitive and being asked a question that 's a challenge to her , and no doubt you 'll find she does interrupt , because she can 't wait . Fortunately , my wife was always the one that wanted to travel . She had plans for two or three foreign holidays a year when we retired , and I was the one that was happy pottering in the garden . Which looking for something positive , at least , while she 's in bed til one o ' clock in the afternoon , I 'm pottering in the garden and doing some do it yourself . I just have to keep looking through the bedroom window to make sure she hasn 't tried to get out of bed , or fallen . This is a second visitation for me as I had a major stroke five years ago . I showed something of a recovery at the time but I went back to work probably too soon and found myself having greater and greater difficulty coping with my work which resulted in my nerves really coming to the end of their useful tether , I think . I had to give up work and basically rang up the Stroke Association and said ' Can you help ? ' They are helping me to enjoy a belated rehabilitation . Part of my nature is being stubborn - I didn 't deny the stroke , but I was definitely evasive about it and tried to minimise its existence and carry on as before and that became a bigger and bigger mountain to climb until I slid right down to the bottom of the mountain again . Mine was a minor stroke , a TIA , four months ago , and in fact looking back I suspect I had probably had two or three minor ones in close succession in the week previously . The actual stroke itself didn 't seem anything to me . It was my friend who recognised the symptoms and I was taken off and diagnosed in hospital . It was somethingwhich was totally unexpected because I had always had an active and healthy existence . The main characteristics affecting me have been quite a prolonged spell of weakness and tiredness , but I am making great progress with getting myself back on my feet . It was ten years ago - the brain just shut down . A stressful event and later there was a confrontation outside the supermarket coming home after work - and I didn 't realise but that blew me over the top . When I got home , I thought I was fainting , caught myself , pushed myself up again , started to go again and then I don 't remember anything til I woke up in bed the next morning . I couldn 't talk - I talked to my cat and it came out like rubbish . I didn 't know what was wrong with me . I couldn 't use the phone or anything . Numbers , letters , nothing made sense . Where do you find the alphabet ? Most people say on the computer - but it 's not there ! For a start it 's Qwertyuiop on the keyboard , and yes , there 's a spellchecker - but no alphabet . I tried to type out the alphabet and I got halfway through and I stumbled and couldn 't figure what was next . I 've got a very investigative mind - I was proactive before they invented the word . But I couldn 't find the letters on the keyboard . My initial reaction to the stroke was one of disregarding it , minimising it and trying to carry on as normal , as how I was before , and that strategy of mine failed . It was the wrong strategy . I chose the wrong way of dealing with it , and hindsight now tells me - and this is how I shall be approaching things in future - that I should have viewed the stroke itself as a ' change of life ' event which requires a reassessment , a re - evaluation , of all things . It could be values , it could be goals , it could be intentions , it could be relationships , it could be anything and everything which is of importance to you . It all needs re - evaluating . To ask what is important ; and what is not . You need to take things slowly and be patient . Take it day by day and do what you feel you can do in each day ; don 't try to do more than you feel you can do . If you feel you need to rest then rest ; if you feel you need to talk to somebody on the telephone then just do that . Just , see how it goes . My friend says to me , ' You have to accept how things are . You are able to walk down to the town centre and do a bit of shopping and you 're in your eighties . Bath is full of people who are octogenarians and they can hardly move ! Even though you 've had a stroke , relatively you 're a fit person ! ' The most important thing is , we 're still here ! I know it 's easy to say to someone who 's just had a stroke , but we have have been through it . I know it 's a dreadful Monty Python thing , ' always look on the bright side of life ' , but … we 're still here ! I kept nagging my GP and saying , " When can I go back to work ? " He 'd say , " Oh , don 't worry , don 't worry for now . " And eventually , when he probably thought I was strong enough , he said , " I 'm going to have to tell you , you 're never going to be 100 % , so forget about going back to work . " And I think that hit me . It was like being made redundant times 100 , probably . I 'd had a job that I 'd really enjoyed ; of any of my jobs down the years , I 'd never had a job that I 'd enjoyed so much . But there we are - all good things come to an end . But humour , you 'll see the humour in me , and that 's another important thing . Jokes keep us going . Initially , I said to my friends ' Wait up , it 's my slow brain ! ' and I 'd laugh at myself . When it first happened to me , the infrastructure didn 't exist as it does now . Now I receive regular visits from the Stroke Association 's Care Coordinator - and she is a marvellous support helping with various forms and paperwork . It is also a comfort for me to meet other people who have had a stroke - we have shared experiences which in my case are not experiences which I share with my peer group or my family or anyone outside of this environment . So , it is something valuable to me . The Stroke Association 's classes have easily been the most effective and most productive factor for me in my rehabilitation . Plus the fact that my friend encourages me to make an effort and get out , and go for a walk around the local area . As a result of that I am doing much better in mobility now than I was a couple of months ago . Still a long way to go but I feel that there is progress . If I do go out shopping , afterwards I ask myself , ' was I able to visit several shops in the one trip or did I have to restrict myself to the supermarket and then get the bus back ? Or was I able to go on to the bank , or to two or three places ? And if I was , then I feel that I am really achieving things . When I 'm fatigued , sometimes my words come out as rubbish . People don 't sometimes understand why you take time to get the words out , so I made a card to use at the shops that says ' I have had aphasia , give me time . ' It helps , except when you are on the phone to one of these helplines because you can 't hold it up to them ! You say , please can you speak more slowly , and they just talk at the same rate but louder ! Sometimes , in the rush of life , people get impatient with you , but I think to myself , I know more than you know because I know what may be lurking round the corner for you . I wouldn 't wish it on anyone . A psychologist came out to see me and I was worried that she would have preconceived notions that anyone who had had a stroke would automatically be very depressed and very dependent on some sort of support . She encouraged me to write down goals , and then would come back to check on me to see if I had done them ! It wasn 't a bad idea and I think I probably learnt something from it . I said to her , I don 't think I 'm really depressed ; I have my down days when I 'm down in the mouth , when I 'm a bit despondent that I 'm not making better progress , but I don 't feel I have to rush off to my doctor and ask for antidepressant pills . So she seemed quite happy to let me get on with it . Initially , it was a male ego thing : I had to swallow a huge amount of male ego and admit that I couldn 't cope . And that was something that I battled against for a long , long time . That was hard . Archetypal man . People responded surprisingly well . My family and GP have been very supportive . I did become very depressed at giving up work , which is a large part of life for most people . It certainly was for me . Suddenly it 's not there anymore . And I wouldn 't call it a bereavement as such , because I didn 't love the job that well , but it is still something that was lost , that I no longer had . That required some adjustment . The stroke has made me rethink my life , my position , and my way forward in life , and what 's important to me , and to minimise things that I could have made more important than they actually were . In the main I am a lot happier opening up than I used to be - it 's risky , and that 's always the fear for people who don 't open up - and I don 't imagine anybody sees all of me , or all of me all of the time - but , I should think that 's probably fairly normal . |
The door opened and the stable boy wordlessly gestured to him to enter , and closed the door behind him . Without waiting to be invited he sat at the table , and John sat on his bed as before . Neither man broke the silence . The time that passed was probably 30 seconds but it felt like minutes , hanging like a fog between them . Eventually it was John who spoke : " Yes that 's true . " Richard reddened . What should he say ? Apologising to a servant was out of the question . His father would never do such a thing . But , he reflected , his father would never have got himself into such a mess . He needed to consult Jasper . Jasper would know how to handle it . Jasper always knew what to do for the best . Richard waited patiently . He did not move from his comfortable bed , and he took his time drinking the luxurious chocolate drink , newly fashionable among those wealthy enough to afford the expensive import . Richard 's demand for three cups would be thought an extravagance even for a member of one of the wealthiest families in the land . However he had another matter on his mind which was causing him considerable unease . He was not sufficiently relaxed to be enjoying either his bed or his chocolate as he waited for his faithful adviser and servant to return , and wondered how he was going to explain it all to Jasper . Richard loved Jasper like a father . He knew if there was one person in the world to whom he could bare his soul and admit to things he was hardly prepared to admit to himself , it was Jasper . He had always told him everything . He 'd told him when he carved his name into the leg of one of the Hepplewhite chairs in the hallway outside the nursery . He 'd told him when he 'd discovered masturbation . Jasper always listened without judgement , always fought for him even against his father . No - one else could get away with that but Jasper could and did , on occasion . So he found he could talk to him this time . " Yes . The new man is John Harris . He 's younger than Carter , about my age . He 's wonderful with horses , he can calm them when Carter can 't . " Jasper took pity on him and played a game they both remembered from Richard 's childhood . He offered words to end the sentence : " . . . rude ? . . . shy ? . . . arrogant ? . . . funny ? . . . missing ? " " I want to . I need to . But I don 't know how to , and I think I 've blundered and maybe made it impossible . " He told his old friend about riding with Harris , and about the bathing , and about Harris 's refusal to ride with him again , and the reason he gave . By the time he had finished , he was crying quietly . Jasper was also the only person in front of whom he could cry without embarrassment . " Well , Master Richard , " Jasper used the address that he used to use when Richard was a child , and Richard saw the significance of it . " I have some tough advice for you . He 's right . " " But , what does he have to complain about ? I had to bathe in front of other boys at Eton and at Cambridge and no - one thought anything of it . It isn 't as if he 's got anything I haven 't seen plenty of times before ! " " No , Richard , you 're wrong . Firstly he 's not used to being naked in front of others . And actually he does have something you haven 't seen before , as far as I can see : beauty - a beauty that has held you captive ! - And he knows it . He saw you looking at him . He knows his beauty has an effect on you . I don 't know how he feels about that , but it should be his choice whether to display his body to you , not yours ! Don 't you see that ? " " Harris is a paid servant . He is not a slave . Your father pays him for his labour and his skills with horses . He has agreed that those services are at your disposal , in exchange for his salary . His beautiful body is not part of that contract . If it was , he would have to consider himself a prostitute . Would you want that ? " " Richard , I want you to be happy . More than anything . You know that . You 're the nearest thing to a son I will ever have , and you 're the best son I could wish for and I love you more than anyone in the world . But I think you have a difficult lesson to learn . Have you fallen in love with this man ? " Richard 's voice was cracked and weak as he spoke through his tears . " I don 't know . I think so . What am I going to do , Jasper ? " " You 've offended him by taking advantage of the master and servant relationship . You must avoid doing that again . Don 't visit him in his room - he 's obviously uncomfortable with that . Perhaps it would be best to wait until you see him in the stable yard , and then approach him and ask him to saddle Bucephalus for you . Then while he 's doing that you can talk to him . You 'll need to try and choose a time when there 's no - one else around . " So Richard watched the comings and goings in the stable yard from the window in his dressing room from which he 'd first caught sight of John Harris . Early in the day he saw Carter sent away on horseback on some errand , and John remaining in and around the stables cleaning , tidying , being busy with small tasks . But James the head groom was around too and Richard judged that Harris would not want to talk to him with James lurking . So it was a pleasant surprise when he saw his own father , the Earl himself , ride into the yard , leave his horse with Harris , and accompany James into his little office where Richard expected they would be closeted together for a half hour at least . This was his moment . He sped down the stairs and out into the stable yard just in time to see John reappear after stabling his fathers big roan . " John , would you fetch me Bucephalus , and saddle him up , please ? " he called in as normal a voice as he could manage , his stomach knotting with nerves . Richard waited , standing on one foot and then the other , restraining himself from jumping up and down with nervous excitement . And quickly Harris was back , leading his magnificent animal . While John began the process of preparing the horse to be ridden , lugging the heavy saddle from the tack room , fixing and adjusting the strap under his belly that would keep the saddle - and rider - in place on the journey , and harnessing him with bridle and bit , Richard approached and spoke to him . " John , I have to say how sorry I am about last night . What you said was right and you made me realise I 've treated you very badly . I 'm truly sorry - can we start again ? I want to be your friend . " " Lord Richard , sir , I 've a sickly mother to support and so I need this job and can 't just leave if things don 't suit me . All the same , I 'll risk my job to tell you that you 're dead right - you 've been treating me very badly and I don 't take kindly to it . A man 's got a right to some dignity and you treat your horse better than me . That 's not right , and no amount of apologising from you is going to make it right . So I 'm sorry , sir , but I 'll just stick where I belong and I 'll thank you to stick where you belong too . " " I deserve all that you 've said and you 're right to be angry but I 've learned that I need to change my attitude and I will . I am . And I would never cause you to lose your job for speaking your mind about something outside the bounds of work . You can trust me about that . " " I guess so , sir , and I know you mean well . But friends ? You and me ? It wouldn 't work , sir . No good can come of it , mark my words . " Bucephalus was fully kitted out now , and the stable boy held the horse steady while the aristocrat mounted , and then passed the reins up to his employer 's only son who looked him pleadingly in the eye for a moment , and rode off . He had no particular journey to make so just rode the big horse at a gallop up the ride and back a few times . By the time he returned the horse to the stables , both James and Carter were very much in evidence and Richard made no attempt to make further contact with John . He just handed his horse to Carter and strode off , back to the big house . By the time he had climbed the stairs to his own suite of rooms and found Jasper , he was in despair . He had tried a reconciliation just as Jasper had recommended and been rebuffed . What more could he do ? Well , he could consult with Jasper again , for a start . And Jasper told him : " Don 't get despondent so quickly ; this was just your first attempt . Now you need to make opportunities for him to be in your company whenever possible . At some point it will be possible for you to speak to him again . " She rode in one morning on one of her husband 's hacks and sailed in to find her brother . He was in the Orangery , reading letters just arrived , and enjoying the warmth as the sun poured in . " Richard , we 're going to the theatre tonight ! " " No , I suppose not . I 'm no chicken but there are limits . So that 's why you 're coming . Andrew says I can go if you will chaperone me . Please say you 'll come ! " Richard for the first time considered going to the theatre with his sister . Mr John Gay 's revolutionary ballad opera was the talk of London and he was curious to see it himself . And he thought of the necessary coach journey of twenty miles and the need to take a coach driver and without further thought he knew he would go . " Oh , Thank you Dicky , you 're very good to me and I love you to bits ! We 'll have a grand time and I 'll make Andrew regret he went off to do his tedious business ! I can hardly wait . Now , what is your news ? " And Richard began to tell his sister a string of little unimportant snippets about life in the big house and his father 's latest projects around the estate . As always Rachel listened with interest and interrupted with opinions and suggestions . Not for the first time Richard thought that she would make a superb estates manager . She knew the running of the property and the situation of the tenants better than anybody and she could get the best from the staff without causing resentment . She was wasted as the decorative wife of a minor aristocrat , hosting polite tea - parties in their town house and making ever - so - slightly racy conversation with the guests when he hosted hunting parties on their estate . Richard carried most of the load of estates management now that his father had begun to trust him with it more , and since his father had always refused to employ a manager . And Richard knew to consult his sister when he faced a problem , just as he knew to consult Jasper about more personal problems . He knew himself to be blessed with good , wise and kind counsellors and friends , and gave himself a reminder not for the first time that he should be sure to show them his appreciation . And he had another opportunity to spend time with Harris . He would instruct James that he would need a carriage and that he would use Harris to drive it . James would want to drive the carriage himself , or to assign Carter to do it , but Richard would insist and James would back down . He might complain to the Earl but Richard would already have cleared the use of the carriage with his father and he felt sure the Earl would not listen to James ' bellyaching . Life began to look better . Bless Rachel ! In the event he didn 't need to clear it with his father - the old man was home at the time and Rachel mentioned it to him when she went to see him in his library . He readily consented to the use of the carriage as Richard knew he would - his sister could always get what she wanted from the Earl . While she spent a happy hour prattling to her father , Richard bounded out to the stables to find James and told him the plan . As expected James baulked at allowing Harris to drive , but Richard was able to quote his father 's authority , not mentioning his father knew nothing about the identity of the driver , and James backed down immediately . A little subterfuge goes a long way , thought Richard . He chased Rachel away at noon , knowing that she would need several hours to prepare herself for the theatre trip . He himself sprawled on his bed and slept for an hour . Jasper woke him in good time and he dressed in a deep bottle - green silk , more showy than his preference , but he thought it would go well in the darkened theatre . Richard climbed up onto the box and Harris took the reins and snapped them against the horses ' backs and the carriage moved off . Richard watched John controlling the horses with a practised wrist action and the occasional call . He steered the coach perfectly between the big wrought iron gates at the foot of the drive and out onto the public road . Richard had seldom seen such skilful driving . John 's concentration was focussed and Richard could see him noticing everything about the way the horses moved , using small tugs on the reins to correct any small deviation from the path he wanted them to follow . Every so often John looked across the box to Richard with a quizzical expression , just for a moment , before turning back to his task . " There 's not much to beat it , sir , I reckon . It 's all about controlling a lot of power . See these horses ? They could rip a man apart if he was tethered to them . But it 's the man who gets to wield that power . It 's a wonderful feeling . " John looked across at Richard again . Uncertainty passed over his face , just for a moment , and then a decision was made . He reined the horses in and the carriage came to a stop . Richard looked a question at John . Richard took over the reins and snapped his wrists , causing a ripple to run along the reins which clipped the backs of the horses as it passed - and the horses moved off . John watched and commented as Richard did his best to keep the horses moving in the right direction and at the right speed . He struggled to get them working together and John shifted across the box , coming to a halt with his thigh against Richard 's , and covered Richard 's hands with his own , showing him how to tweak the reins just a tiny amount to give the horses the needed guidance . Richard was momentarily distracted as he felt a tingle through the backs of his hands at the touch of the other man . John patiently guided Richard , showing him how to get the best out of the horses and how to steer accurately . He commended him where he saw fit and criticised him when he got it wrong . There was none of the subservience Richard might have expected and Richard revelled in the knowledge that John was now treating him as an equal . He was happy , happier than he could remember ever being before , sitting on the box next to John and doing this together . They rounded the final corner before turning into the drive up through Andrew 's small estate to the house . John had shifted closer to Richard in order to guide his hands , and now shifted away again . Richard looked across at him . Rachel was as good as her word and bowled out of the house as the carriage drew up at the foot of the steps , looking like finest porcelain in a big flouncy pale blue dress . Richard climbed down from the box and embraced his sister , and then helped her up into the interior and climbed in with her . John , once again in charge of the reins , set the coach in motion , and the rest of the journey was uneventful . John 's driving was almost miraculous , the coach travelling smoothly and without drama , but covering ground with amazing speed . Rachel thought they were going too slowly but he got them to the West End of London in record time . When they pulled up outside the theatre , Richard climbed out first and had a word with Harris . " This will probably last three hours . Get yourself something to eat . And I don 't want you to get cold , so by all means shelter in the inn across the road , there , if you like . If we come out and I don 't see you with the coach , that 's where I 'll look for you . " John 's eyes widened . It was unheard of for a master to be so considerate of a servant . Other grooms would be waiting shivering all evening by their coaches , and if their masters found them to have deserted their posts they would be severely punished . " Yes , sir , thank you sir . " Richard helped his sister out of the carriage and they stepped gingerly , avoiding the piles of horse droppings scattered all around the theatre as best they could . Inside there was the usual pandemonium . Richard gave Andrew 's name and they were shown to their box , and they were pleased to note they had a good view of the stage . Richard pondered about the next few hours . Would he enjoy the comic opera he 'd heard so much about ? Would he enjoy being in company with his sister without the encumbrance of her rather boring husband ? He couldn 't get the thought out of his mind that he really wanted to invite John in to share the experience with him . It was John he wanted to share it with . He smiled as he tried to imagine how Rachel would react if he brought his groom into the theatre . The play was everything he expected and more - a biting satire on the politics , morals , society of the day , executed with wit and charm and humour and great music . By the end of the evening Richard and Rachel left the theatre singing the songs and whistling the tunes , chatting nineteen to the dozen about the way certain leading politicians were lampooned and ridiculed . Scurrilous and hilarious . Richard gave his attention to his sister . It wouldn 't do to have her think his relationship with his groom was out of the ordinary . He handed her up into the carriage and followed her in . John urged the horses on and the carriage moved off . Rachel chatted about the performance , speaking a little louder than her normal quiet tone to overcome the rumble of the wheels . She needed little encouragement from her brother though he was happy to provide it at intervals as necessary . It had been a MOST enjoyable night . Richard 's mind wandered as his sister prattled on . Despite the brilliance of the play , his best memory of the evening would be the touch of John 's hands over his own . He looked out of the window . London was behind them , lights in windows in the far distance now . All around was deep darkness , an occasional farm showing a light as they passed it . Quite suddenly the carriage slowed and stopped . John was using the brake so something must be up . Richard partly opened the door and stuck his head out . Ahead of them was a shadowy form which eventually he made out . A man on horseback , pointing a pistol directly at him . His heart sank . It was not a surprise when a voice called out : " Stand and Deliver ! " Rachel yelped and Richard turned to shush her . " Don 't do anything stupid ! " he whispered . " Sit tight and we 'll see if we can get through this ! " He looked out through the partially open door of the carriage and faced the highwayman advancing slowly on his horse . The gun was trained on him and he held his breath in fear . The highwayman called out : The brigand guided his horse past the pair of horses harnessed to the carriage , the animal stepping carefully to avoid stumbling on the rutted roadway . His eyes bore into Richard 's and his aim never faltered as he closed on him . As he drew level with the box , John launched himself through the air and tackled the highwayman , knocking him sideways off his horse and the two of them landed on the ground , John on top of the outlaw . Richard leapt out of the carriage towards the tangle of bodies on the ground . At that moment , the pistol went off and a howl rent the air . Richard faltered but kept going . John was rolling away from the highwayman , his face distorted in pain , clutching his thigh . The other man , still lying on the ground , had discarded the spent pistol and was struggling with the folds of his cloak , searching perhaps for a second weapon . Richard dived on top of him and , feeling the solid shape of a gun beneath him , lunged for it and took it before its owner could . The highwayman felt the gun pulled from his waistband and froze . Richard stood up , panting , cocked the pistol and pointed it at the criminal on the ground in front of him . It took him some moments to catch his breath . What should he do now ? John continued to writhe in agony . Just six feet to the left , the highwayman lay , his eyes glued to the gun in Richard 's hand . If Richard allowed his attention to drift to John 's plight , the criminal would certainly make a run for it . He made his decision . " Get up , get on your horse and go ! " he growled , and gestured with the gun in support of his statement . The unsuccessful robber stared at him for a moment , weighing up what he 'd heard . Then he scrabbled to his feet , vaulted onto his horse which was grazing nearby unconcerned , and rode off at a gallop . Immediately , Richard was crouched beside John asking about his injury . John moved his hands away from a spot midway down his left thigh . Hands covered in blood . In the bright moonlight it was clear to see that the white pantaloons were scarlet and brown with blood and there was a pool forming on the ground below him . Richard took the material of the clothing and ripped it up to John 's groin , then tucked it away and to the side so that he could see the wound . A round hole in the top of the leg seeped blood , black and gelatinous . Another in the side allowed a little river of blood to run around the leg and drip to the ground . Richard realised he must act quickly . He looked to John 's face . He saw fear mixed with the pain . " You 're going to be all right . Just trust me . You have to be all right . I need you to be all right . Stay with me , please ! " " Thank you ! " He grabbed the bundle from the floor of the carriage and began tearing strips from it as he ran back to the wounded man . He fashioned a pad from a folded strip , and placed it over one hole in the leg . Then made another pad and placed it over the other . He got John to hold the two in place and then began winding a bandage around the leg , holding both pads tightly against the wounds . He knew the wounds would need cleaning but could do nothing about that there , and he only hoped the presence of the second hole meant that the ball had gone right through the leg and out the other side . Otherwise it would need to be removed and he didn 't know if he had the stomach for that . In the dark Richard couldn 't see John 's face well but he felt his forehead which was cold and clammy . Not a good sign , he thought . John replied : " Yes . Come - I 'll help you up . " He leaned over and took John under the arms , before pulling him upright as he stood up . John fainted away and Richard crooked one arm under his bottom and lifted him bodily , and carried him to the carriage . He couldn 't lift him directly into the carriage because the doorway was too narrow so he slid him in and along the floor , shoulders first , then folded his legs with the wound uppermost . " Rachel , make him as comfortable as you can . I 'm going to drive . " She knew better than to complain . The tone of his voice she knew from their childhood - it would brook no argument . But she did wonder . She knew Richard as a kindly man , good at acting charitably so she wasn 't surprised that he would look after the wounded man this way . But the agitation on his face showed her that he was struggling with powerful emotion . She looked down at the man on the floor at her feet with interest . In no time at all they arrived through the archway at the side of the big house and into the stable yard . Richard was calling out " James ! James ! " even before the carriage came to rest , and despite the late hour , both James and Carter appeared , in night shirts and carrying candles . Richard explained the situation and between them they carried the young man up to his own room . Carter fetched a bowl of hot water and some cloths while James undid Richard 's dressings . " You did a good job here , my Lord . You 've maybe saved his life - he 'd have lost a lot more blood without this bandage in place . " James continued to work on the wound . Once the dressing was removed , he washed the wound with plenty of the water . Then he poured a little brandy into the wound , which made John convulse . Once he was satisfied that the wound was adequately cleaned he bound up the leg in much the same way as Richard had done , but with fresh strips of material . The pieces of Rachel 's petticoat were discarded - and Richard remembered that she was still out in the carriage . " James , as soon as you can spare him , could I have Carter to drive my sister and me to her home and back ? I think she should get home as soon as possible . I 'll go with her but I 'd prefer not to drive . " Richard moved up close to John on his bed , looking pale and drawn , but conscious and alert . He smiled at the prone man and squeezed his shoulder . " May I come back to see you tomorrow ? " he asked . Rachel discovered that Carter was not such a skilled coachman as Harris . She also discovered something about her brother that she 'd never realised before . She noticed soon after Richard climbed back into the coach with her that he was distracted - he was quiet , and unresponsive when she tried to start conversation . But once the first light of dawn began to creep over the horizon and she could see his face , she was staggered . He was staring blankly at the wall of the coach with a foolish grin all over his face . She knew better than to question him about it , but thought she might visit him in a day or two and talk to him . She could use concern for the wounded groom as an excuse . She watched her brother and suddenly it hit her : she knew that look . Richard had fallen in love ! But when ? He hadn 't had that look on the way to the theatre , nor when they set off homewards after the play . So during the journey or after it . Who could Richard possibly have fallen for , dramatically if his expression was anything to go by , in that period ? Rachel bent her considerable intellect to solving the problem . She realised she was the only woman Richard had had contact with , so he was in love with a man - which took a leap of lateral thinking to contemplate , but she found it to be within her ability . She discounted the highwayman - that was ridiculous . Which left James , Carter and Harris . There was no reason why Richard should feel differently about James or Carter than a week or a year earlier . So that left . . . Harris the stable boy . Richard knew that he hadn 't been much responsive to his sister 's attempts to draw him out on the short journey back to her husband 's estate . But nevertheless he was surprised that she gave up the attempts - that was not like her . She could usually talk the hind leg off a donkey and needed no encouragement to sustain a conversation with a brick wall - like himself , he realised , at the moment . But now she was staring vacantly into space much as he had been doing . Very curious . The coach pulled up at the foot of the steps in front of Rachel 's home and they both alighted . Rachel turned to her brother and wrapped her arms around him , pulling him into a hug which he realised was more than a cursory good - bye from his sister . This had a ferocious emotional intensity about it . His eyebrows raised , but he returned the hug . She stood on tiptoes to bring her mouth close to his ear and said : " Be careful , my Richard . Just be careful ! " Back in his own suite of rooms , Richard collapsed onto his bed and fell asleep , fully clothed , and stayed there until after noon . Jasper of course heard the gossip from the kitchens - one of the stable staff had fought off a highwayman to protect the young master and mistress , and was wounded . So he chose not to wake Richard , leaving him to sleep . |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 16 , 2013 Two years ago , I started this blog . I began writing because I felt alone . I knew there had to be other gay men out there who were looking for the same thing I was , and I wanted a way to connect with them . At the time , I just ended my first gay relationship , and I found myself in very unchartered waters . I was already out to close friends , but not publicly . Because I had so few gay friends and a strong aversion to gay bars , I had to find a mate digitally . I began serial dating , at one point going on four dates in four days - And thus , One Gay At A Time was born . Since the beginning , I have gone on MANY dates and put myself in many situations well outside my comfort zone . I have not only grown more comfortable in my own skin , but I 've also grown up as a gay man . I got all the hookups out of my system and began searching for a meaningful , long - term relationship . The time has come for the next chapter of my life and for this blog . For quite some time I 've been blogging about CK ( aka Clark Kent or Superman ) . You 've gotten to know him through my eyes in the early stages of our relationship . It 's been some time since I 've blogged , and I apologize for leaving you , my readers in the lurch . I do not mean to abandon the small community I 've worked so hard to foster , but I 've been struggling with the next chapter of the blog . I had to make a choice between the blog and my man . It 's quite obvious which I chose . As a result , I will no longer be blogging about the specifics of my relationship with CK . However , in lieu of continuing to finish our story in a daily dairy format , let me catch you up on what has happened since July . Here are some of the highlights … In July , CK joined my family for our annual beach vacation . While I went for the entire week , he only joined us for a few days . It was the first time we 'd spent an extended period of time apart , and with my trust / cheating baggage , it was a true test of my sanity . I was thrilled and relieved when he finally arrived . It was also nice that he would finally get to spend some real - time getting to know my parents . In early August , I traveled to Miami , CK 's birthplace to surprise his family with a visit to celebrate the birthdays of his two beautiful nephews ( turning 1 and 2 only a week apart ) . I felt incredibly special taking this trip with CK . I was meeting his ENTIRE extended family . Before this point , I 'd only met his mother . I was welcomed into the family with open arms and came to grow strong bonds with them over just a handful of days . This was unchartered territory for both of us , as I 'd never been brought home to meet the family by anyone other than my high school girlfriend , and he 'd never brought a man home to meet everyone before . It could not have worked out better ! Around Labor Day , CK and I went on week - long vacation to the Hamptons with 15 of my friends and family . While there , our relationship grew very strained . I felt he was trying too hard to impress my friends . I wanted him to be himself so all of them would come to love the man I knew , not the man I felt he was trying to be for them . By the end of the week , I reached my breaking point . I was so stressed out from organizing the vacation and ensuring everyone was happy that I made myself miserable , and I took it out on the person closest to me . In the penultimate moment of the trip , one night we not only exchanged words but also fists and shoves , as my closest friends and sister witnessed the lowest moment of our relationship . It took a lot of time for CK and I to figure things out . This wasn 't the first time our relationship reached physicality , but I hoped it was the last . It also took a long time for things to return to normal between CK , me and my circle of friends . My sister wasn 't speaking to me for over a month and my friends had semi - ostracized me from typical gatherings . I burned a lot of bridges on that trip , and I am still working to rebuild them today . You can expect to read about my experiences and feelings dealing with issues such as physical violence in a relationship as one of the topics I will cover in coming posts . In September , CK and I found an apartment in Hoboken to call our own . We moved in together in the midst of Hurricane Sandy 's wake on November 2 . Although the experience of moving immediately following a hurricane is incredibly overwhelming , we are both stronger as a result of the experience . In my experience , moving in with a lover is unlike sharing a space with any other . You 'll certainly be reading about my experiences and the things I 've learned from this experience as well . After Sandy exhausted my last modicum of energy , I decided I was too tired to shave my upper lip . CK and I both decided to raise awareness and funds to fight prostate cancer by growing mustaches for Movember . I proudly raised over $ 500 for charity as a result of my stache , and I was thrilled when we both shaved them off - We both looked like pedophiles . For the first time in my life , I had someone to take home to meet my family for Thanksgiving . Before venturing home , I sent my extended maternal family an email to get the awkwardness out of the way . You 'll be pleased to know my family welcomed him with open arms . I imagine coming out to extended family creates a lot of anxiety for man , as it did for me , so I hope sharing my experiences will encourage more to share the truth with the ones they love . When I returned to Hoboken after Thanksgiving , preparations began immediately for what would have been my Sixth Annual Holiday Bash . This year , it became Our First Annual Holiday Bash . I finally had someone to share the hosting duties with , making it extra special . Although CK and I spent Christmas apart , after all the festivities with my family , I hopped on a flight down to Miami to spend the rest of the holiday season and New Years Eve with my man and his family . CK 's sister and brother - in - law planned a trip with their two boys to Disney World for two days . After a little persuading , I convinced CK we should join them . I preferred Disney to a raucous gay party any day , and it was truly magical to see Disney World through the eyes of a two - year - old . In February , CK and I took a romantic trip to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz , NY . Although it seems we can 't go anywhere without having some kind of quarrel like an old married couple , the trip was amazing and couldn 't have come at a better time . We went ice skating , snow shoeing , swimming , hiking , and much more . It was a perfect escape for both of us to get out of the city and away from the bustle of it all after the holidays . In between , there have been countless brunches , parties , trips , nights out , Broadway shows , fights … Oh yea , and plenty of sex - Can 't forget the sex ! Overall , things have been going well for us . You have good days and bad days , but you have to realize the bad days are just there so you appreciate the good ones all the more . I am thrilled to announce , this past Saturday , CK and I celebrated our one - year anniversary at the restaurant we went to on our first date , Frankies Spuntino 570 . Although we waited nearly an hour , the evening was perfect , and I look forward to many more years together . To my most dedicated readers who haven 't let me lack of posting stop them from commenting words of support on my blog , thank you . You are what has motivated me to get back into this once again . I feel like many of you have integrated my writing into your daily routines , and I have left you with your morning coffee in hand and no reading material . You will not see the frequency of posts you may have grown accustomed in the past , but I still hope you find time in your lives for One Gay At A Time . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 1 , 2013 Tensions were high between CK and I . Nearly every night , we 'd find something to argue about . Although it didn 't always result in an explosive fight , there always seemed to be some kind of noise in the background . The honeymoon was officially over . When we woke in the morning , CK apologized for the night before , as did I . As we got ready for work , we both agreed underwear was not something we should be fighting about . After making us breakfast , we ate , showered together , got dressed and made our way to the PATH . A day prior , CK got tickets to see Hot Chip in Brooklyn from a coworker . He asked if I was interested in going . We had already planned to head to Brooklyn to visit Hip since he was recovering from his second hip replacement surgery , so I said , " Sure . Why not ? " While we were at work , we nailed down plans via text and phone . Since I finished much earlier than he did , I hopped on the subway and made my way to his office . He wasn 't quite ready yet , so I asked for his coffee order and hit up Starbucks . I didn 't sleep very well the night before , so I needed something to keep me up and give me the energy to be a fun date . While riding the subway out to Brooklyn , I asked CK if he requested the time off to join my family on vacation . He reacted to the question as if this was some big surprise . I 'd only been asking him about it for a solid month . When he asked me to take time off and book a flight to Miami for his nephews birthdays , I did it without question . Now that I was asking him to take time off to be with me and my family , he didn 't think he could get the time off . I was p * ssed ! I found it quite selfish . If he 'd requested the time when I originally asked , we wouldn 't have gotten into the argument that ensued . As I said , we seemed to be fighting about everything . The rest of the ride wasn 't pleasant . It grew to far higher proportions when we got off the subway . I wanted nothing more than to get right back on the subway and make my way home . I no longer had any interest in going to the concert , and I told him that . It takes two to fight , so I take half the responsibility , but he was being rude and treating me in a way I wasn 't willing to subject myself to . As a result , I skulked behind him as we walked through Prospect Park . As he yelled at me for not helping him navigate our way to the concert , I shouted back , " Fine . Just go without me ! I don 't want to go anymore . I 'm not going to have any fun . " I wanted nothing to do with him or Hot Chip . I think he understood I was serious and responded by apologizing . " Can we just get past this tonight ? " he asked . " Do we have to sacrifice our entire night over this fight ? " I didn 't want to just put on a happy face and grin through it . I was angry , and to be honest , I wanted to go home out of spite . The concert was something he wanted to go to , and just as he didn 't put in the effort to come with me on vacation , I wasn 't going to come to the concert . I realized how unproductive this would be , so I agreed to go ( not before numerous attempts to make my way back to Hoboken ) . When we finally made it in to the concert , CK bought me a few beers , and we cut through the crowd to watch the concert already in progress . Surprisingly , I started to have a better time . Admittedly , I 'd never heard of the band before we arrived , and I didn 't recognize any of their music . The fighting ended , and CK was being affectionate . We even made a few friends while moving from place to place among the crowd and managed to bum a smoke off some nice guys . When the concert was over , it was far too late to visit Hip . I felt really bad considering he was the original plan and reason for the trip to Brooklyn . I wasn 't thrilled we sacrificed his visit for a concert , but in the end , it was CK 's decision . On the walk to the subway , we found ourselves in a situation once again that birthed yet another argument . When we were a safe distance away from the situation , I began to calmly explain how p * ssed I was at him . Once again , he didn 't think it was a big deal and almost brushed it off as if I was overreacting . I didn 't care . To me , it was so much more . I told him explicitly how much I didn 't like these types of situations , and he completely disregarded those feelings . I don 't think he consciously acted in spite of my request - Quite the opposite . I don 't think he was thinking at all . After arguing about the matter the rest of the way to the subway , I decided I wasn 't going to engage him in conversation any longer . Clearly I wasn 't getting through to him . We rode the subway with a large group CK decided to befriend . I wanted nothing to do with them . When he asked me questions or tried to introduce me , I simply ignored him . If he wasn 't going to take my feelings into consideration any longer , I wasn 't going to regard his either . I began to wonder if this was something we 'd ever get passed . Maybe we were just inherently different . Maybe he would never be able to see things through my eyes . I began to think about what it would mean to end things . Obviously that would be my last resort , but I began to prepare myself for that possibility . I was also in a tough spot because I was spending the night at his place . By the time we resurfaced in midtown , CK finally realized I was ignoring him . He started to get irritated by this , and yet another fight broke out between us . This time , I didn 't care . I went nuts . I didn 't care who saw us fighting or what they heard as I laid into him . We argued back and forth about the severity of the incident at hand for some time . He didn 't realize it , but as each of these incidents came up , my tolerance for them dwindled more and more . Toward the end of the argument , I think CK finally got a clear idea of the zero tolerance I had left . I 'm not the most bending person ( and that 's an understatement ) , but this was one sticking point I wasn 't going to bend on . I didn 't care how small the infraction . He had a choice , and he needed to pick me . He finally understood my stance and apologized for everything . He didn 't think this fell under my umbrella of discomfort . He finally understood that nothing in this realm would be acceptable to me . We were able to civilly walk the rest of the way back to his place , but the conversation was certainly nonexistent . When we got back to his bedroom , I brushed my teeth , stripped down to my boxer briefs and climbed right into bed . CK finished what he needed to do before bed and climbed into the opposite side of the bed . That night , we didn 't go to bed fighting , but there wasn 't a lot of love in the bed either . I live for my weekends , so if there was anything I could do to make them better , I did . I utilized my free Friday afternoons to run my errands so Saturday and Sunday would be all mine . I tried to clean and do laundry , run to the grocery store , etc . This Friday , I was very successful getting through my list . I stopped by my allergist for my weekly shot . Since I left work at 1 : 00 , I decided to eat lunch at McDonalds ( never a good decision ) . While sitting there , I noticed two men walking holding hands across the street . I was a bit surprised . I immediately thought , " We do that in Hoboken ? ! " In the six years I 'd lived in Hoboken , only once before had I seen two men holding hands . I was thrilled to see the courage and the progress . When I finished eating , I swung by the salon for a haircut and hit up the gym to lift and swim . After my swim , I called CK from the roof deck of the gym . Although we made tentative plans for Saturday night , we hadn 't discussed plans for that night . It was our anniversary . He automatically assumed I was spending the night in the city since he came to Hoboken the previous night . I was not under the same impression , so I explained I did not want to spend both Friday and Saturday night away from place . I told him to pick one . This of course turned into an argument . He complained about the trek to Hoboken , and I resented this . I 'd made the trip back into the city to be with him many times after a long day at work , and I did it without complaint . He always made it seem like torture when he had to traverse the Hudson River . The argument grew more and more heated until he threatened not to come at all . I wasn 't having any more of this , so I hung up on him . I was tired of this game we were playing . I didn 't want to argue anymore . In addition , my testosterone was already flowing after a solid workout , and my blood was beginning to boil with every complaint . After I got home and a few minutes passed , he called back ( He always was good at playing the role of peacemaker ) . He told me he 'd come to Hoboken , but it wouldn 't be until later . We discussed the argument calmly , and both apologized for getting out of hand . He explained he had assumption I was coming there all day . The idea of him trekking out to Hoboken on a bus wasn 't all that thrilling to him after having those expectations all day . I explained how one of us would always have to make the trek to the other . There was nothing we could do about that , at least for now , so the more fair and balanced we could make it ( and the less complaining ) , the less burdensome it would feel . He agreed . Hours passed , and I heard nothing from him . I felt he was dragging his feet and as every minute passed , I grew more and more annoyed . He told me he had to shower before coming over . He obviously wasn 't still showering . I was sure he was just lounging about , which is fine . But I wanted him to be lounging about with me . This wasn 't just any night after all . We were supposed to be " celebrating " our three - month anniversary . I finally got so annoyed I sent him a text : " Maybe tonight would be better spent apart . I 'm in a really cranky mood now . " It was already past 10 : 00 . At this point he was coming over to sleep and not much else . He called and told me he was already in a cab on the way to the PATH . I encouraged him not to doddle before saying goodbye . I needed to cool off before he arrived , or it was a guaranteed fight the moment he arrived . It seemed all the smallest things so easily got under my skin . I was all wound up . Work was stressing me out . Life was stressing me out … Finally , at 11 : 00 , he arrived , flowers in hand to make up for the botched night . Honestly , I would have preferred he came three hours prior , but the gesture was utterly sweet . And , I forgave / thanked him immediately . I tried to be cool with everything and have a nice time with him since it was a special night . There was no use being miserable . It wasn 't really his fault either . Work made me a miserable son - of - a - b * tch . He asked me how my day was . I further explained my new predicament and fretted over the possibility of being unemployed in the near future . I was very pessimistic about the whole situation . I certainly will hand it to him . He remained positive and tried to assure me everything would be fine . This is why I loved him so much . NO matter how much of a Debbie Downer I can be , he always picks me up and dusts me off . In spite of my pessimism , he was always optimistic . We also learned to collaborate professionally . We were helping each other bolster up our positions in the social media realm of our jobs . He taught me things I didn 't know about , and through my recent vigorous research , I taught him a thing or two as well . When I 'd had enough talk of my job situation , we agreed to order Chinese food for dinner . I was too tired to cook . While we waited for the food to arrive , we smoked to relax . He told me about his day at work and the stellar presentation he delivered to the powers that be . He was proposing a new initiative that was well received by the decision - makers . I was happy for him , but also jealous . Sure , I realize how horrible that is to say , but I 'm nothing if I 'm not honest . The rest of the night was much better than the evening had begun . Eventually , I forgot all about our fight and my emotions were back in check . We ate our food while watching TV in each other 's arms on the couch . I finished eating , but CK was still chowing down as he poured some of the General Tso 's sauce onto on his plate . After a few minutes , he started fretting . Apparently , he 'd eaten something quite hot . After investigating , I realized he ate a whole chili pepper . Tears were streaming down his face as he rinsed his mouth over and over again in the sink . Next he tried a glass of milk and a few pieces of bread . That didn 't seem to be helping . He even took to wiping his tongue with a napkin . Nothing helped . It was all I could do to maintain my composure , but after a while I couldn 't hold back . His face wasn 't the only one wet from tears . I was hysterically laughing so hard I was crying . After a good laugh , interspersed with failing advice , I consulted Google for a better solution . We 'd tried everything in the book . When I told him someone suggested eating another one , he looked like he was going to throw me out the third - story window . I was still getting a chuckle out of all this but certainly at his expense . It was torture for him , but he had no idea the gift he was giving me . He delivered exactly what I needed that night - A good laugh . Eventually the pain subsided , and he forgot all about the incident . As our eyelids grew heavier and heavier , we moved to my bedroom for the night . As tired as we were , our appetites weren 't quite satiated . We were pinning each other down for the count before we counting sheep . As hot as things were for him during dinner , things in the bedroom were even hotter . We tired ourselves out between the sheets before he finally drifted off to slumber wrapped in my arms . That night taught me something very important . No matter how much we fought , this was the man I loved , and there was no changing that . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 15 , 2012 After a tumultuous weekend , it was back to work on Monday . Both CK and I had very busy days , and we didn 't find much time to chat . But , before we went to work that day , we decided to spend the night in Hoboken . I finished work at a reasonable hour , so I decided to hit up the gym for some lifting and a quick swim . When I finished my swim , I called CK to find out what time he was expecting to leave work . I was about to head home and make us dinner for the night . Something seemed different . He hadn 't reached out to me all day , and it was now 8 : 00pm . When I finally got him on the phone , he seemed distant at best . It was then I learned he had other ideas in mind . It almost seemed like he was looking for a night apart . I was wondering if he was beginning to have doubts about us . I couldn 't figure out his motives , but it felt like something was up . When I told him I wanted to see him , he asked if I would be willing to come into the city to spend the night at his place . I wasn 't thrilled with the idea . I had it in my head we would be spending the night in Hoboken all day . I hadn 't packed an overnight bag and had already traversed the Hudson twice . I had the ingredients for dinner sitting on my kitchen counter . He pointed out how much of a pain it was for him to come to Hoboken , and I pointed out how it was just as difficult for me to make my way back into the city for the same reasons . We began arguing about the long - standing issue . Whenever it was my turn to come into the city , I did it without complaint . When it was his turn to travel , he often managed to slip in subtle complaints or excuses for why he couldn 't make it . I didn 't feel like he was meeting me half way , and I let him know it . Although I wasn 't happy , and I didn 't quite agree with the situation , I decided to relent and come to him . I wanted to see him , and that was more important to me than the inconvenience of a short bus trip . This would allow him to continue to work while I made my way in . Otherwise , I wouldn 't have been able to see him that night . I went home , showered and packed the ingredients for dinner to take into the city . Hauling raw chicken into the city didn 't make the most sense , but it was economical and faster than many other options . I was also taking raw pork ribs with me , as I was planning to make myself lunch for the following day . I slung a heavy bag over my shoulder and hopped on the bus headed for Hell 's Kitchen . When I arrived , I received a warm welcome from CK at his door . He flung his arms around me and gave me a giant hug . I was truly happy to see him . We had a rough patch only a few days earlier , but I put all that behind me . I wanted to get back to us - Back to happiness . When one of his two roommates came home , we all began chatting about the third roommate in his absence . There was always a plethora of things to chat about when it came to him . He was like a walking carnival . Every day was a new adventure with that one . He didn 't lead a double life . It was more like a quintuple life . He was one shady mo - fo , and every day was a new shocking story of what new ruse he was trying to pull . When dinner was ready , we sat and ate together in front of the TV . CK was very appreciative that I made dinner so he could continue to finish his work . I was happy to be sharing a meal and a nice night with him . I liked taking care of my man every once in a while , especially when it was so apparently appreciated . When we finished eating , CK finished his work . We had about an hour before bedtime , so CK suggested we play some video games . This isn 't something I 'd done in six years at best . I wasn 't very good at video games because I never played them , so it was always a frustrating situation . I don 't like things I 'm not good at . I warned CK of this before we got started because I didn 't want the night to result in an argument . It didn 't take long before I got frustrated , so I sat there with the controller in my lap while CK continued to play . When he realized I wasn 't playing , he paused the game to question me . I explained how I didn 't know what I was doing , and I think he finally understood . He took me through a short tutorial , and I was back to being happy again . Now that I knew what I was doing , I was even able to beat him at his own game . When 11 : 30 rolled around , I made my way to the bedroom . I asked CK to join me , but he wanted to continue playing . So , I left him to his own devices while I brushed me teeth and got ready to go to bed . When I was ready to climb between the sheets , CK was still in the living room playing video games . I came into the room and was very blunt . " Can you please come to bed ? I didn 't trek into the city so you could play video games all night . If I knew that was what was going to happen , I would have stayed in Hoboken , " I declared . I know it was a bit heavy - handed and melodramatic , but I was very put off by his actions . He got the picture and joined me in bed . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on September 25 , 2012 Before you jump into today 's post , I 'd like to bring to your attention a story a reader shared with me last night . Being the hopeless romantic I am , I was so touched by their story . Check it out here . When CK and I got home after a long night out on the town , we argued about the timing of the following morning . I was insistent we would keep our plans , or I would leave him behind . I wasn 't going to flake on Boston because he wanted to stay out at the bar that night . I realized we weren 't making much progress , and we were only staying up longer by arguing , so I set my alarm and climbed into bed . The next day , I woke up and started reaching out to Boston . Much to my chagrin , he wasn 't responding . I tried over and over and over again via text and phone , but still no response . I 'd already managed to get CK up , and he was being incredibly cooperative considering how early it was and how little sleep we got . I wasn 't happy because I got in an argument with CK over this , and now Boston was flaking on me . I was trying so hard to salvage this so CK wouldn 't flip out on me when I told him Boston wasn 't responding . I hit up Hip to see if he 'd be interested in the beach . It 'd been some time since we hung out , and I thought it would make CK much happier to have one of his friends there . I asked D and his girlfriend if they wanted to join us at the beach , and surprisingly , they were in . They would just be joining us a little later . I also reached out to my sister , and I learned she was driving out to the beach . We were planning to take the train , but now that Boston was missing in action , I asked her if she would give us a ride . Now , I had to manage the logistics of getting someone from Brooklyn , CK and I in Hell 's Kitchen and my sister coming from Hoboken through midtown coordinated . CK and I were making great time . We hopped in a cab , and it was looking like we would all get to our meeting point at the same time . I couldn 't have been happier and more stressed . My sister arrived a few minutes before us , and we all piled into her car and were off to the beach . This was the first time my sister met Hip . I had a feeling they would get along since Hip is such a mellow guy and easy to get along with , but in her usual fashion , she took a little warming up . Once she warmed up to him , they were really hitting it off . As we drove , I texted Boston telling him we were on our way and invited him to join us out there when he and the girl he was staying with got moving for the day , but I had a strong feeling I wasn 't going to see him . About half way out there , he finally called and told me he was way too hungover to come out to the beach . He offered to meet up later that evening , so I told him I would hit him up on my way home . We arrived at the beach and spread out , taking over a solid chunk of beach . D and his girlfriend were on their way and would be joining us shortly . This day was going so much more smoothly than I ever thought possible . The weather was gorgeous , and we were all having a blast . I was really enjoying being with such a great group . Everyone was relaxed and having fun . We took a picture together , and we all agreed it was the picture of the summer . Now that summer is over , I can testify it was , at least for me . Later in the day , CK and I decided to go for a jog / walk . It was nice to separate from the group for a little and take a nice stroll . We talked about the night before , and he apologized . He also thanked me for such a great day . The biggest smile grew across my face . I know I was stressed that morning and annoyed how things were playing out , but it was all worth it to have such a fun and carefree day . I was so happy with him . I loved him , and I couldn 't see myself with any other man . He was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with . We stopped to take pictures on the rocks of the jetty . This quickly turned into a typical CK photo shoot , which I 'm not the most thrilled with . I 'm not a fan of having my picture taken because 99 % of the time , I hate the results . I don 't like being in the spotlight , but CK does . When I take the pictures of him , I know these pictures will be sorted through as fodder for his Instagram feed . This is yet another account of my attention not being enough . He still needed the attention of his adoring fans . I wasn 't crushed by this . I have thicker skin than that , but it didn 't exactly have a positive effect on my feelings . On top of that , I knew everyone was about ready to go home when we started our walk . I didn 't want to make them wait too long to leave . I tried to be a good sport and shot some pictures of him and even let him snap a few of me , but the time came for me to insist we return to the group . As we walked back , we passed two hot and I can only assume straight men walking the opposite direction . As we passed , CK not only made a comment regarding their aesthetic , but took the conversation one step further and asked if I would ever entertain the idea of fooling around with another couple ( acknowledging a previous unprovoked sentiment I stated expressing my lack of interest in ever bringing another person into our relationship ) . I immediately started getting very anxious , and my heart sank a little . I was immediately taken back to the previous night with him looking around the bar to see who was looking at him . I was right back to worrying I would not be enough for him . My heart beat started pacing . I immediately and definitively expressed to him my feelings on this , and I think he recognized how worked up this was making me . I told him this was my worry when I finally came out . I didn 't know if I could ever find a man who would settle down with me and give me a " traditional " relationship . I realized that 's not for everyone , but that 's what I wanted . It 's not something I wanted to compromise on , nor do I think it 's something I should budge on . Now , I was worrying if CK was the right man for me . " This isn 't something I want . I just wanted to know if you would be open to this , " he said . I responded , " If it 's not something you want or you 're interested in , then why did you bring it up ? If this is coming up now when everything is fresh and fun , how 's it going to be ten years from now ? Will I ever be enough for you ? " He started backtracking immediately . He put his hands on my shoulders and said , " Babe , you are who I want . No one else . I was just asking the question , not proposing we do it . " I explained to him how worried I was that it was even brought up . He managed to calm me down and acknowledged that knowing that was off the table does not make him want to stop dating me . He added , " You have nothing to worry about . I want to spend the rest of my life with you . " I was a bit more relaxed , but I was still questioning if I was enough for CK . It had been the theme of many of my past relationships , and I didn 't want to go through that again . When we got back , we all packed up and headed home . On the ride home , I fell asleep in CK 's lap . Unbeknownst to me , Hip and my sister we 're now like two peas in a pod . They were having so much fun together blasting music and weaving through traffic . D and his girlfriend were following , so when traffic came to a halt , Hip climbed up through the sunroof and started making faces and flailing around at them . When we got back to the city , my sister dropped the three of us off at CK 's . He needed to pack an overnight bag before we went back to Hoboken for the night . We hung out for a majority of the evening before finally taking the bus to the other side of the Hudson River . Not before getting ice cream , of course . In the end , I didn 't get to hang out with Boston before he left town . It just didn 't work out . Maybe I 'd have to wait another year to finally see him . All in all , it was a great day . I had so much fun hanging with my friend and CK 's friends . It was completely refreshing to see his friends getting along with my friends . It wasn 't all roses and sunshine , however . I was still worried I wasn 't the man CK was looking for . I worried I was looking for him to settle down with me , and he wasn 't quite ready for that . It 's not that I didn 't trust him to not cheat on me so much as worrying we didn 't have the same relationship goals and outlook . Only time would tell if our paths were heading in the same direction . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 26 , 2012 After not sleeping for more than four hours , Friday night , I slept like a log . I was out very quickly and slept straight through to the morning . I was also starving . After not having a full meal the night before , I was feeling ravenous . I went into the kitchen and began heating our Greek dinners from the night before in the oven . I returned to the bed to fool around with CK while they heated . He was waiting for me with open arms . I dove right into them . I loved waking up with him . It made my day begin so much better . We continued to fool around and hug and kiss . Rolling around in the sheets with him was a perfect way to begin our day . When the food was heated through , I plated our meals and brought them to bed . We watched TV on his iPad while we ate our brunch . It was very tasty . I loved eating dinner food for breakfast . Later that morning , I realized I forgot my toothbrush . I needed to go out and purchase one . I got dressed and made my way to a nearby bodega while CK got dressed for the day . I also popped into Starbucks for a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino . It was a gorgeous day , and I was happy to be outside . With delicious coffee in hand and a new toothbrush in my pocket , I made my way back to CK 's apartment . I texted CK to get a move - on since it was so nice out . It was already after noon , and I wanted to take advantage of the nice weather . He finally had a weekend he wouldn 't have to stress about finding a new apartment , and I wanted to get some much - needed sun . We made plans for him to show me his new apartment on the way to Central Park . CK finally got ready , and we decided to walk there . It was so nice out , I wasn 't about to get on the subway , nor did I want to pay for a cab . We came upon a street festival on Ninth Avenue on the way . It seemed like fun , but it was a little overcrowded . I was anxious to see his new living quarters and hit up Central Park . With blanket in hand , we cut through the crowd to get to his street . Just before we got to his apartment building , we happened upon a cute garden society park . We decided to scope it out along the way . When we finally got to his building , it turns out we weren 't able to see his apartment . His new roommate never left a key with the front desk . The doorman wouldn 't let us up to see the roof - deck either . We didn 't fight it . We left and made our way to the park . When we got there , Sheep 's Meadow was packed . There was little real estate left for us to put down a blanket . He laid down and took off our shirts so we could get a little color . We talked about a myriad of things while hugging and kissing each other . We made sure not to make a spectacle of ourselves , but we were enjoying each other 's company . When a little boy walked by us and waved at us , he turned to me and said , " Awwwww . He 's so cute . Let 's get one ! " I laughed , but deep inside , I melted a little . I could just picture how awesome a father he 'd be . I looked forward to a long future with him , and the thought of us raising a child didn 't scare me in the least . I was excited ! I agreed down the road it would be great to raise a kid , but I suggested we get a dog first . At that , he wanted to go shopping for a dog for me . I explained I am not able to take care of a dog . I lead too active a lifestyle , however , if the time came where we 'd move in together , I would certainly love to get a dog together . We spent a good portion of the afternoon lying around chatting . When CK was finally bored with this , he suggested we rent bikes and take a ride around central park . I thought this was a great idea , so we packed up and found some bikes to rent . This was an incredibly shady transaction . I felt like I was buying drugs . We talked to about five different guys before we were given a bike that may or may not have been stolen . He asked for one of our licenses . Neither of us felt comfortable doing this because we weren 't sure we 'd ever see the same guy again , let alone our licenses . He agreed to let us have them without the collateral . A simple fist bump sealed the deal . I guess we look like trustworthy guys . We took the bikes and sped off on our ride . We did a complete loop of the park . CK broke out his iPhone and started using Video Star again to film us while riding . It was a lot of fun , until he dropped his phone along the way ( However , this added greatly to the actual video that resulted from the footage ) . The phone survived unscathed , and we continued on . We rode around for about an hour before taking the bikes back . Many times we joked about running off with our new bikes , but we didn 't want the bad karma . I was feeling peckish , so we made our way to Whole Foods to pick up a snack to eat before heading back to Hoboken for dinner . I had another Living Social to use up . We made our way back to his place before heading to the PATH . I left my bag there , and we made our way to 1 Republik . I called P along the way an encouraged her to join us . When we got to the door , we were denied because I was wearing flip - flops and CK and I were both wearing shorts . I 'm sure if we stood and argued about going in for dinner , they would have made an exception , but I was in a good mood from an awesome day . I didn 't want to argue . We decided to hit up Four L 's instead . We grabbed a table , and the three of us had some spectacular drinks and a few plates of food . We had fun people watching and judging the others making scenes in the bar . We walked holding hands and having fun the whole way until CK stopped abruptly . He pulled me in and told me he had something to tell me . Just then , I let out the biggest fart I possibly could . My comedic timing was finally on point . We both busted our sides laughing . When I encouraged him to tell me what he wanted , he wouldn 't budge . I regretted the fart slightly , because I think I ruined what I believed was meant to be a beautiful moment . I highly suspected , based on his actions , he was about to tell me he loved me . I ruined it with a fart . I would have to wait until the next time he got the urge to express this . I 'd already told him I was close to saying it , but I hadn 't said it yet . I was anxious if to learn if I was right about what he wanted to tell me then . When we got back to my apartment , CK and I made our way to my bedroom . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . He wanted to penetrate me , and I obliged . I wasn 't the biggest fan of bottoming on my back , so I turned onto my stomach and raised my hips into the air while he prepped . He was inside me , and it felt great . I loved feeling his body against mine while he kissed the back of my neck . Just before he was about to finish , he pulled out and shot all over my back . He grabbed me a towel , and we laid next to each other enjoying the lasting effects of sex . When he asked if I wanted to penetrate him , I jumped on the opportunity . I really wanted to fall asleep inside him . He agreed to this , so we got into the spooning position . I lined up and slowly slide inside him while hugging him from behind . This felt great . Of course , there would be no sleeping . This simply escalated to sex , but it was the best sex we 'd had to date . I was penetrating him in the spooning position at first , but before long , I rolled over on my back , and he was on top of me while I was still inside him . It was unbelievably passionate . We changed positions many more times after that , one of which was the reverse cowgirl . I loved every second of it . He was making me feel things I 'd yet to feel with him . It was inconceivable ! That wasn 't meant to be what happened , but neither of us complained . We both went to bed that night happy men . Not only did I get great sex , I also suspected my boyfriend truly loved me . I 'd have to wait for confirmation on the latter portion , but I was still on a high from great sex regardless . I would sleep rather soundly that night with the most amazing man I 'd ever had in my bed . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 19 , 2012 The day after my birthday , CK and I made plans for me to meet his mother while she was in town . I celebrated my birthday the day before without him , but I still managed to have fun . I was incredibly excited to see him . I was also incredibly honored to meet his mother . I couldn 't believe he felt comfortable introducing me to her exactly one month from the date we first met , however , we 'd grown extremely close in that short period of time . There was a plan for me to meet CK , his mother , and three of his friends at Essex and Beauty on the Lower East Side for brunch . It was Mother 's Day , so I knew wherever we were going was going to be a sh * tshow ! I was slightly anxious . I was more nervous about meeting the one friend I 'd never met before than I was about his mother . I 'm not sure why , but I didn 't feel any pressure there . I was pretty relaxed about it . Either way , I was missing my Superman terribly . I arrived a few minutes late for our reservation . CK and his mother were still in transport , but the three friends had already sat at the table . One of them came to the front to greet me and take me to the table . I 'd met him before when we all went to see Avengers together . As we ascended the staircase to our table , he informed me of a problem in the kitchen . He mentioned something about a leak and having to shut the kitchen down . There was new immediacy to our plans . Per usual , CK was running quite late . I learned they were in a cab , but they were on the other side of Manhattan , however , he shared the good news he finally found a new apartment . It wasn 't in Brooklyn . It wasn 't on the Lower East Side . It was in Hell 's Kitchen . I was thrilled ! ! We learned they wouldn 't arrive in time for us to order , and one of the friends began to protest in uproar . He argued with the staff until he learned of the true nature of the problem . The maître d ' offered to walk us over to their sister restaurant , The Stanton Social to ensure we got a table and were served quickly . On the walk over , we happened upon CK and his mother getting out of their cab . He was in the process of calling me . I said hi to him and was introduced to his mother . She wasn 't what I expected at all . I 'm not sure what my expectations were , but she certainly surpassed them . She was gorgeous and very lively . I immediately loved her spirit and energy . We continued to the other restaurant . Not only did we get a table quickly , we were also served champagne to start . They more than made up for the inconvenience . On top of that , I feel we upgraded restaurants , not downgraded . His mother took the time to hug all the other boys and say hi . She knew two of them from Miami , where CK grew up , so there was some catching up to do . CK was rather reserved in regards to PDA . We didn 't kiss , but I got a hefty hug . He whispered in my ear how much he missed me . We held hands under the table nearly the entire meal . It was very nice being with everyone . The conversation flowed , and there was rarely an awkward moment . Our food was excellent , and we all enjoyed our meal . I was worried I 'd feel like an outsider , not because his friends wouldn 't include me , but because they all already knew each other . I was the new guy . I didn 't know the stories . I didn 't know the inside jokes . That would take time . Generally , until I 'm comfortable , I get quiet . I was worried they would think I was antisocial , which clearly isn 't the case . I really loved watching CK and his mother interact . She had a nickname she called him , and I found it adorable . They shared a lot of the same mannerisms . I watched her keep him in line ( and made sure I took mental notes ) . They were incredible together , even with the hell they went through over that weekend to find him a new apartment . It was obvious the copious amounts of love they shared . When we exited the restaurant , his mother returned to go to the bathroom . He took the opportunity to pull me in and give me the biggest kiss . It was quite a scene , but we didn 't care . His friends made comments , and he pointed out how he wouldn 't kiss me in front of his mother . Apparently , it made her slightly uncomfortable when he " flaunted his homosexuality . " I thought this was funny , because it 's the kind of thing I could hear coming out of my mother 's mouth . When she came back outside , we made plans to go back to his place and spend the rest of the evening on his roof watching the sunset . We stopped for a bottle of wine and some beers and went up to the roof with the batch of cookies I baked for his mother . Before heading up to the roof , CK and one of his friends were talking in the kitchen . That left myself and his mother in his living room to chat . I learned about all her dogs , as well as CK 's dog all living under her care . She told me how early she had to get up to take care of them the morning she flew out . We talked about what it takes to raise a dog and discussed CK 's desire to get a dog . He was constantly trying to take me shopping for a dog , but I couldn 't take care of one on my own . I wouldn 't have a dog until I lived with someone who would help me raise it . Maybe CK could fill that roll one day . We spent a lot of time talking about cooking . CK 's friend was an avid cook , so we had a lot to chat about . I showed him my massive digital cookbook I created . I learned where CK inherited his lack of cooking skills . Apparently , his mother was a self - admitted non - chef . She barely cooked , so the two of them discussed their lack of skill in the kitchen , however , each had their specialty they could cook . I expressed my plan to teach CK how to cook , but ensure he wouldn 't cut his finger off again under my supervision . After a while , a guy CK used to hook up with who lived in the building joined us . CK privately made a comment to me when we were downstairs how he may have seen us all through the window . He mentioned inviting him to join us , and I didn 't protest . My guard was up however . I had no idea how he 'd treat me . After all , I was the one who got the man he had a crush on . They were almost roommates until it came to light he had a crush on CK , who told me he did not share the same feelings . In the end , this guy was pretty cool . He wasn 't combative toward me in the slightest , and we actually got along . The conversation continued through the night . When this guy left , CK made an attempt to set him up with the friend who joined us from brunch . I really liked this guy . He seemed to get it . He was very realistic and had a great sense of humor . Of the friends I 'd met so far , he was the one I felt I would get along with the best . When the old hookup left , CK 's friend called him to set up a date . This also killed two birds with one bullet . The old hookup would be tied up and would stay away from my man . Yes , I was getting territorial . CK 's mother told us stories about him when he was a child , and I was really enjoying getting to know him , his mother and his friends . It was starting to get late , and CK and his mother still needed to get dinner . I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day . I too needed to eat something other than cookies . I said goodbye to CK 's mother with a big hug and CK walked me to the door . We talked about how much we couldn 't wait until his mother left , not because either of us were tired of her , but because we were hungry for each other . We hadn 't slept together in days , and our animal instincts were growling . I said goodbye to him with a big kiss and made my way to the PATH to head home . It was a very successful weekend . I had a great birthday , and apparently , I was a hit with CK 's mother . The whole day was a big success . I was all the more excited to be a bigger part of CK 's life , and I couldn 't wait for the next moment . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on March 26 , 2012 I needed to be honest and upfront with PR . He deserved that at the very least . However , this was going to be a very delicate situation . I wanted to make sure I didn 't hurt his feelings . I really did like him and wanted to be his friend - I just didn 't think we 'd be a good match to date each other . I gathered up a little courage ( if I was truly courageous , I would have called him on the phone ) , and I we had the following exchange : Me : After you left yesterday , I gave our compatibility a lot of thought . I have bigger doubts now . You and your friends are into the scene , and that 's not really my thing . Then there 's the sexual compatibility issue was well … And we 're in very different places right now . I can see you 're still recovering from your breakup . I don 't want to seem callous , but I don 't want to lead you on . I 'd rather take a step back from this now , rather than when we get deep into things and serious feelings develop . You 're a great guy . I think very highly of you , and I hope we can remain friends . I 'm sorry if this comes as a shock , but again I thought it better to speak up now . PR : Okay . I just saw this . I understand your concerns . But I would like to say I 'm not all about the " scene . " I do enjoy going out with my friends , and that is exactly all it is to me . Regarding our sexual compatibility , I thought I was making it clear that I am willing to be versatile for you . I get the sense that this is more about my moving back home and where I am in my life right now . Obviously I recognize I 'm not in the most stable position in terms of my job , but I 'm working to change that . As for my emotions , I can honestly say that I 'm over my previous relationship . Yes , this is a bit of a shock . I know we were moving quickly . And I am willing to slow down , but as I understand it , you are asking to just be friends . Is this correct ? Me : I know you 're willing to be vers , but I 've been down this road . With my last relationship , I put sex on the back burner for things I thought could make up for it . I learned my lesson . I told myself I would find someone with great sexual chemistry with me . I told myself I wouldn 't settle . As far as the scene things , Griffin doesn 't sound like fun to me , and I know how much you enjoy it . We 'd end up constantly making sacrifices for each other . I have no desire to put on a wig and dress up . I 'm not judging . It 's just not my idea of fun . Me : You 're moving home and the job search thing are factors , but not the main obstacles I foresee us running into going forward . I just think we lead different lifestyles . We have a lot in common , but we also have a lot of different priorities . I don 't think slower is going to change things . PR : As far as the dressing up thing , I did that for the first time in my life for a couple of hours ! I never said or expected you to do so . I understand the sexual aspect . And , I agree it 's a big concern . But I thought it was workable . I felt our chemistry was worth exploring and being versatile . My priorities and getting myself in a stable position in my work and home and to one day be able to share all I have to give with someone and build a home and life together . Listen , I thought we had great chemistry . I 'm not trying to argue or beg . I just feel like maybe you have some misconceptions about what I value and look for in a person . Me : I think I have an understanding of what you 're looking for , but I don 't want to sacrifice who we are to make the other happy . It never works . Been there , done that . PR : I just don 't understand what sacrifices you 're talking about . I don 't believe you were faking the whole time . I feel like something spooked you and you 're not telling me . It sounds like you 're saying I 'm too gay for you . But you have never voiced anything like this when I spoke of things like Griffin . I mean this is a drastic reversal from when I last saw you yesterday . Me : I wasn 't faking it , but we only spent time together . We weren 't out with your friends or mine all that much . It is a reversal because I took a step back and looked at the week and what I learned about you . I didn 't say anything about Griffin because I try to have an open mind , but I need to make changes or I 'll keep repeating old mistakes . PR : I know . It 's better you told me now . I 'm not angry or anything towards you . Just sad . I was really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and had something special planned . Me : I 'm very sorry . I didn 't want to get into tomorrow under false pretenses . That wouldn 't be fair to you . I knew you 'd do something utterly sweet . |
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